#like i feel like i cant say anything bc ill be shit on by like everyone
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POTES FINISHES KOTOR!
i planned on going to bed early tonight but the kotor brainworms made me finish the game and WHAT A GAME MAN!!! anyway sessions 10-12:
the t in ten stands for traumatised
i love how i was like omg i hope i find revan and theyre my best friend! but the second i found out i was revan i was screaming and running away like NOPE NO GET OUT OF HERE
just want it to be noted that in the hours between playing this morning and now ive repeatedly caught myself just staring into space w blank expression its all ive thought abt all day like what has this game DONE to me
i literally had to make a revan playlist earlier lmao i havent even finished the game
also i searched revan on my blog and turns out last year i got an ask where i discovered revan was a customisable protagonist and yet i still walked into this spoiler free, meaning i managed to outrun spoilers via stupidity or having a horrible memory or both. im the ultimate anti-spoiler machine
tbh it didnt help that i thought revan was a bloke for at least the first like, 6 hours
you know one of my first ideas when i first started the game was "this character is going to die and then i will play as revan" and after the first mission i was like "well surely there must be a segment where you play as revan where did i get the idea that you play as revan from" the mental gymnastics i did around the truth are impressive this game gaslit me SO hard
i know its been like 8 hours since i experienced it but if anyone calls me revan again i will start crying anyway lets find carth's son and get this star map
i still cant think of revan as myself it feels like shes some dead sister i never met that's not me i cant compute it
i get why one of the options earlier was "oh i understand bastila" but i did not pick that bc SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL THEY DID USE ME!!! LIKE!
anyway time to have one of my first times playing a party without b-dog ): ill get u back babygirl (hold out for me plz dont get darksided) ill bring murderbot or the child soldier for now
ah i love carth and mission arguing. carth has no people skills
im sorry we've had a spice shipment onboard this whole time??? i wouldve liked to have known that some hours ago substance abuse would definitely help my identity issues
aw carth n mission made up! [lie/persuade] i agree she's not just a kid we should tooootally have her in active combat situations
this sith academy is crazy wdym ppl r out here starving and dying to get in
i love that i said my companions were slaves
wtf theres only one bed. okay mission you can have the bed me and carth can sleep on the floor
onasi i recognise that sur-- DUSTIL?? SHIT CARTH ONASI OH MY GOD I FORGOR
well that went about as well as bastila's family reunion. it's okay tho cause the parental issue solver is on the case carth i will have this shit fixed asap
these tombs suck
i love that my party members have stopped following me this is useful and great i love having to manually move them everywhere 10/10 gaming
im avoiding the dark side options so hard rn idc if i'll get less prestige i CANNOT risk going evil IM NOT REVAN
ive had so many options to be like "well get fucked im darth revan" but i dont want to get laughed at or anything so im just gonna stay quiet
also i still havent accepted it and i think saying i was revan might make my character find the panic attack dialogue option
ok we got kidnapped and electrocuted by a kiddie fiddler and that seemed to fix the companions not following me problem
slay i just stole the master's ipad and that solved dusty's daddy issues. literally i could have fixed the original trilogy im so good at parental issues if i was born 4000 years later there wouldve been no star wars movies it'd be chill
sw fix-it au: revan is just There
aww theyre bonding <3 <3 <3 <3
yay i did enough stuff to enter the tomb <3 cool i'll do that later
hilarious that mr sith master was like ok fine i will declare u the victor when everyone else who applied is either dead or left the building
ELEVEN ALSO RHYMES WITH REVAN AND i'm still not over it man
god gives his toughest battles (my friend was having boyfriend problems) to his bravest soldiers (me who wanted to start playing kotor again immediately after dinner but had to be a good friend and help her)
anyway back to REAL problems. let's go get this starmap
i dislike seeing malak on the opening screen now. he literally tried to blow me up and he may have killed or kidnapped bastila i dont wanna see that bitch
can we use our force bond to like. message bastila and check she's ok bc im taking everything this game said as foreshadowing and she talked a LOT about how no jedi is immune to the dark side you know. can we make malak hasnt reverse-revan'd her
looked up a walkthrough for that pillar business cause its late and while i know it would feel satisfying to get it right, i can't be assed
pillar isn't a word anymore
oh i kinda thought if i sided w yuthara i'd be able to talk her into going lightside but wompwomp
oh yay a talk!
ok she left i got lightside points thats close enough
lets get out of here before anyone starts questioning why i came back alone from the tomb
omg lena from mission's brother's girlfriend… and shes not a bitch???? oh my god griff was the bitch lena sounds so nice lets go to tatooine
im realising ive probably missed out on a lot of sidequests by only taking b-dog and carth out for missions but uhhh
i understand that it's very important that we save the galaxy by finding this star forge but you know what i love more than saving the galaxy? drama. we're going to find mission's brother
MALAK WAS THE ORIGINAL MEATBAG
man the evil stuff sounds bad but come on revan-me had a good sense of humour. meatbag (:
fuck me sideways with a toothbrush we've got to go do walking simulator in the sand dunes again to find mission's brother
this game really makes you understand luke skywalker bc i too would be desperate to leave this planet if i spent more than a week here
oh my god so youre saying if i just walked around the full tusken base then i wouldve found mission's brother. this is what i get for not exploring every nook and cranny
im not giving griff shit. u just know in the modern day he'd have a podcast and constantly share those entrepreneur tips on instagram, thinking he was an alpha male when he has $2 and no bitches
my textures arent loading in this is so funny everything is yellow and white
ok heres the plan its very late i should be in bed but this is probably the final mission so im gonna get ready for bed and then come back to this and we're gonna pretend i make healthy life choices and that i'm not addicted to this game
session 12! yep!
and it's been so long it's definitely the morning now so theres a whole new session it's definitely not only been 10 minutes since the last bullet point and im definitely not gonna play this all night
i make healthy life decisions lets find this star forge babygirls
NOO GET AWAY FROM MY FRIEND BASTILA YOU EGGFUCKER GET AWAY
i hope the star forge has a bin i can toss malak into
christ on a bike thats a lot of ships
this secret star forge planet is lovelyyyyy. vacation planet
btw my save file is called 'tanalorr is mine' and this planet is… well its making me feel validated for calling it that
why do these ppl keep attacking me im just a chill guy
of course theres an energy shield. theres always some kind of energy shield
are u being fr? mandalorians?? get a job u guys.
omg the fish guys know im revan????
omg YOU CAN LEARN LANGUAGES W THE FORCE?? INCREDIBLE
well presumably i missed the nonlethal option to get the scout back cause i am killing this entire base rn
omg who cares im maxed out light side i have lightbeams behind me in the character menu
every time someone talks abt me n malak goin somewhere when we were besties makes me sad. like i get i was revan and evil then but still we were besties ): now we're enemies ):
great. the bad guys are gonna be inside waiting for me. this is so uncharted-core
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MALAK’s FACE HOW IS HE ALIVE THATS SO MUCH JAW GONE
is that--?? bastila queen why r u wearing black
NOO HER ASS GOT TRILLA'D!!
ok i think that convo went ok i got lightside points im gonna get her back
well aside from bastila and the murder of an entire village i think that went very well lets go sodomise a star forge
i really have got to stop using the english language in the way i do. we're gonna defeat the star forge how about that. thats better
MASTER TORTIMER SURVIVED
YAY MY GIZKA ARE BACK ONBOARD!!!!!!!!!
bringing HK cause i want him to call malak a meatbag again
love that malak's like the droids will defeat the jedi when i literally have the destroy droid ability. get fucked eggbitch
these fights are just getting annoying now where are these guys even coming from
you know what? i dont wanna fight these twats im just gonna walk away and head to where i wanna go without fighting
tf why cant i open
its rlly funny that im revans master when he called bastila a child and its implied we’re a similar age
B-DOG!! COME TO THE LIGHT
FAT W I REDEEMED BASTILA
wow we have to get off this space station before our allies blow it up, meanwhile i have to fight a bald guy with breathing problems who was responsible for a crazy reveal in the second act. deja vu…
the bastila boss fight was easy-as so i assume the malak one is gonna fucking suck
i worked out how to stop him turning the jedi into sundried tomatoes
malak is so much taller than me lmao
bit sad i didnt get to have hk call malak a meatbag again and also what happened to his face we never covered that
YEAHH WOOOOOOOOO
ooh an honour guard… a hero’s welcome
YAYYYYY MEDAL CEREMONY CLASSIC STAR WARS
taking screenshots of the gang together like a parent with their kids
IM GRINNING SO HARD RN
I DID IT I FINISHED THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A GOOD GAME GODDAMN. GAME OF THE YEAR IDC IF IT CAME OUT 22 YEARS AGO oh my god me n this game r basically the same age wtf
and i did it in true potes-star-wars-games fashion bc its way past midnight as it was when i finished jfo and js <3
ANYWAY HOLY SHIT!! WHAT A GAME!!!!! that plot im going completely and utterly insane over that plot i see why revan is such an aggressive fan favourite its not a time of day (night) that i can come up w coherent thoughts but wow. wow!
definitely want to replay as a dark sider at some point (and maybe mod the shit out of the game too)
thankfully ive already bought the sequel (and been informed of the restored content thing) so thats ready to go whenever im ready to give up my entire life for a kotor addiction again! yippee!
what a good story. gameplay was fairly fun despite its often-awfulness until the ending where it got a bit tedious and i felt like a diabetic with how much i was injecting myself in the leg but like! THE STORY!!!! THE CHARACTERS!!! EBON HAWK CREW MY BESTEST FRIENDS
man!
well. im not gonna shut up abt this for a while am i. look all im saying is i should probably drop a weather warning on u all cause the kotor fandom is not ready for the fanart tidal wave known as stealingpotatoes that about to hit them. batten down your fuckin hatches
KOTOR MY BEAUTIFUL BEST FRIEND MY WIFE I LOVE YOU MWAH GOOD NIGHT MY SWEET PRINCE
also to u, gentle reader, thank u for joining me on this journey <3 i hope u had as much fun as i did lmao
POTES SEMI-LIVEBLOGS KOTOR!
ive been writing my thoughts in the notes app but due to popular demand (one person asked for it) i'm posting my liveblogging DO NOT SAY/TAG/COMMENT SPOILERS PLEASE i read tags
warning im a yapper, im 10 hours in and theres a lot already (separated into sessions):
SESSION 1
whos this clown i thought i would be playing as revan
ive been too spoiled by dragon age origins this character creator sucks ass
only human???? ): fr?? ill just imagine her different in my brain or some shit
my life is being mansplained to me. is this bad writing or do i have amnesiacs
hes meta now??? hes talking abt the screen controls?????
omg a jedi and an evil jediii
omg their asses suckedddd they both died immediately
i <3 bringing a sword to a gun fight
WHY R THERE SO MANY SITH WHERE IS TJE RULE OF TWO
i clicked a workbench and it said lightsaber so either i get a lightsaber or i get a jedi friend whose lightsaber i can steal if im careful
I assume u play as revan in kotor2 so im gonna buy that now so i can play it when im done playing w this clown
i got light side points im getting a good grade in game morality which is something both normal to want and possible to achieve
everyone keeps saying revan is dead but thats my friend revan from tumblr hes clearly alive. or they???
my characters ass is distractingly present onscreen
huge fan of the way everyone collapsed drunk what the FUCK was in that wine
ok these sith ppl might be the bad guys but their armour is DRIPPY AS FUCK
ideologically i dont agree w the sith but they kinda went off w the fits
googling how to become a sith without being evil cause they have Drip
SESSION 2
i paid £1.19 to see revan he better show up in this game at some point
all these sith n i still cant find one revan….. stop faking ur death rn come out n talk to me babygirl this isnt like u….
why can i be light/dark side if im not a jedi. give me a laser sword
maybe this jedi gyal will know where revan is faking his death. or give me a fuckin lightsaber PLEASEEE
was just thinking 'does this game have romance' and then carth called me beautiful. i dont think im gonna romance anyone until i get this amnesia sorted
why is carth questioning me so much abt the crash im pretty sure i have amnesia
why tf did the jedi lady have me transferred to this ship are we in lesbians with each other???
carth's not wrong it is suspicious but i lowkey have amnesia so i coulda done that i coulda not
a lot of clone wars voice actors in this. was lucasfilm so broke in the 2000s that they could only afford the same 3 VAs for every project
mission is 14??????? we need to get my girl back in school
SESH 3
tale as old as time i fucking suck at racing games
ok i didnt realise you had to mash click i won
REVAN!!! REVAN!!!!!!!!!
why am i dreaming abt revan tho. real as hell but ?????
lmao cringe revan getting blown up. i thought the jedi beat rev-meister in a fight but no. accident
"such visions are often a sign of force sensitivity" COOL YAY GIVE ME A LIGHTSABER
BASTILLE LOST HER FUCKING LIGHTSABER??
CARTH IS RIGHT THATS LIKE DAY ONE JEDI SHIT. ok i still love her even tho shes a bit of a bitch and also doesnt have a saber
if we find a lightsaber im taking it first tho
whys carth getting weird abt me being weird that he doesnt trust me. i just wanna be friends mate
SESH IV: A NEW HOPE
'i mean no disrespect, but perhaps one of the male slaves could serve you better' i went in here to start a slave revolution and instead got called a lesbo
LMAO THERES A SPICE LAB???? WALTER WHITE WHERE ARE YOU
thats insaneee they blew up BILLIONS of people to get to one jedi?????? these sith arent fucking around theyre scary
UM THIS IS CRAZY GRAPHICS THE LIGHTING IS CLEARER/DARKER WHEN I COVER THE SUN W THE SHIP EDGE?? 2003 IS THE YEAR OF THE FUTURE
someone just called me padawan i kinda assumed i was in my late 20s do i just have baby vibes
all the jedi in the movies are so chill but every kotor jedi i've met so far has been a bit of a bitch
YO THEY HAVE A YODA!!! its not THE yoda but
cool so these guys are just the regional managers at best. your asses are not the council
why can everyone smell my force juju so strong
THATS STRAIGHT UP YODA'S CLONE WARS VA
why does fake yoda not blink both eyes at the same time. im calling him master tortimer he reminds me of the animal crossing mayor
bastila there was no need for such a fancy bow
malak is like evil aang
revan is so much shorter than malak omg
are me and bastila sharing dreams. are we both obsessed w revan
poor mission ):
WHAT WAS MASTER TORTIMER ABT TO SAY????????? EVER SINCE WHEN??? DID WE KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE MY AMNESIACS????? DID BASTILA TELL U SMTHN MORE WHEN I WASNT IN THE ROOM???
im intrigued i like this whole hidden jedi shtick its very compelling. so is whatever theyre hiding from me
kinda surprising no jedi found me before tho given my force juju is so strong
IM A LEGIT JEDI NOW??? SICK!!!
does revan rlly not have pronouns i thought that was a tumblr thing but they straight up are a nonbinary icon ive never heard a single pronoun used. revan's pronouns are revan/revan's
damn revan seems so cool in these stories (charismatic war hero that convinced their troops to join them as conqueror?? julius caesar) and yet all we've seen them do onscreen is get blown up and die by accident
A YEAR AGO? the way they were talking i assumed revan died like. a week before the game started
master uh i forgot his name he has martin scorcese vibes said revan was a paragon of the jedi so what im getting is that all jedi gifted kids turn evil
even if i didnt know revan as a tumblr darling id KNOW revan has to be alive somewhere they way everyone talks abt them is too cool for a character who exploded and died. i think. i hope. I PAID £1.19 TO MEET REVAN
'only you and bastila can stop malak' seriously????? just us two?? ive been a jedi for like, 6 minutes and you guys keep calling bastila young???? do you guys not wanna help??
omg im getting carth to traumadump! <3
HE WAS ON REVAN'S ARMY>??
i totally knew the jedi code and did not have to google it whatsoever
they rlly said fuck going to illum heres a crystal from the bin
he told me id be a great sentinel and i was like i know but i want blue cause i dont wanna be matchies with bastila
OGH!!! I HAVE A LIGHTSABER!!!! THIS IS GAME OF THE YEAR!!!!
omg i made my lightsaber perfectlyyy which is rare <3 getting a good grade in jedi
maybe i was a travelling lightsaber salesman before my amnesia
seriously though WHO was i everyone's kinda stopped acting like i have amnesia since the first mission BUT IVE PLAYED DRAGON AGE THAT GIVES YOU OPPORTUNITIES TO RP UR PAST. THIS DOESNT. EITHER THIS GAME IS BAD (but i love it so its not) OR I HAVE RETROGRADE AMNESIA
also everyone keeps being like "Oh ur force juju is so strong" AND NOBODY FOUND ME TIL NOW??? suspicious. did getting a really bad concussion activate the force in me
im too confused and amnesiac'd to think abt anything except the fact i have a glowing stick now
FSESH FIVE:
big fan of using aliens to avoid having to get VAs to read every line
oh so carth's boyfriend saul betrayed him and became leader of the sith fleet so he has trust issues
well he needs to calm down. i can't betray him cause i dont know what the fuck is happening
yooo i love the design differences on the mandalorians
oh my god this lady wanted to fuck her droid cause it was her husband's. and then it killed itself. wtf. game of the year tho
wtf they jebaited this juhani person into going dark side but then i talked her out of it. that seems a bit mean of them
i hope she can join my party she looks too unique to be a random npc
ive been thinking and I might be going crazy but there was a loading screen tip ages ago that said jedis could wipe ppl's mind and all i thought at the time was 'fuck the shitshow acolyte didnt make that up'. but what if one of them wiped MY memory and i used to be a jedi or smthn ????????
cause they keep being like ur weirdly good at this??? did bastila steal my memories??????????
I KNOW I HAVE AMNESIA!! EVEN IF EVERYONE DOESN'T BRING IT UP BC THEYRE PROBABLY TRYING TO SAVE MY FEELINGS
if i dont have amnesia and im just deeping the fact the opening had my life being mansplained then im gonna look real stupid
anyway time 2 go to the fuckshit ruins cave where r-dog and malak went to
"it must be referring to revan. the dark lord and malak--" revan's pronouns are revan/thedarklord
bastila said theres no mention of the Builders in the archives. does she just know every text off by heart
THIS DROID IS 20K YEARS OLD ???
omg i can equip 2 lightsabers at once. game of the year
OK I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT THE AMNESIA BASTILA IS ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY BACKGROUND THAT I CAN ANSWER. I REPEAT I DO NOT HAVE AMNESIA
ok i didnt get choices and i didnt really uh… say anything that i didnt already get told im still not ruling out amnesia
also booo i didnt get to find out how old i was
master tortimer rlly looks like the ultimate ketamine yoda
LMAO THERE WAS A DIALOGUE OPTION 2 CALL JUHANI A CATGIRL
omg kashyyk from jedi fallen order!!!
I CAN UPGRADE MY LIGHTSABER THIS IS JUST LIKE JFO
omg this ship is fun i wish everyone had personalised bunk spaces like hfw… a game which came out 19 years after this i should probably just take what we have
im gonna start w manaan cause im p sure thats what B-dog said n its the same language the droid was speakin
omg hyperspace from star wars
THE GUY THE BUILDING FELL ON???
am i having dreams abt revan bc bastila killed revan and im connected to her this is so roundabout
maybe i'd sleep better if my ponytail wasnt clipping into the pillow
[kiwi accent] six
carth needs a xanax every time i think we're friends he stops trusting me
also lmao he actually pointed out how wild it was that a day one padawan is being sent on this uber important mission and HES RIGHT IT IS WEIRD!! i thought it was main character logic but he's calling it out
i really really like the sense of unease that's setting in like at first i thought it was just cause im not used to 2003 games but no this is on purpose bc carth my friend carth keeps calling it out
THERE IS A CHILD ON MY SHIP ??????????????????
lmao the representative for menaan is roland wann. its like poetry it rhymes
there are no cameras in the sith hangar <3 rookie error i can commit crimes now
bastila's favourite hobby is getting shot and walking into my grenades
this isnt a combat system this is a missing system
I GOT ARRESTED???? IM JUST A GIRL
nvm i had a datapad that said the sith were evil so theyve let me go free and we're besties
why do i feel like ive just walked into an underwater horror mission
this suit waddles at the speed of a penguin on fentanyl
i tamed the beastie this is like how to train your dragon
MALAK FIRED ON REVAN?????? WERENT THEY BEST FRIENDS???????
but maybe revan escaped when bastila wasnt looking THEYRE FINE THEYRE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. I BELIEVE
so hopefully when we run into revan they'll be like agh i changed my ways cause of the being shot thing and they'll be my bestie
great news i successfully communicated w the ship child and gave her back to dantooine. my girl has shockingly good linguisitics skills
bastila is so dour "oh watch out for the dark side" GIRL I AM. I NEED TO GET THE BEST GRADE IN GAME MORALITY
ok OFF TO KASHYYK i hope cal kestis is there… thru the force i guess… bc he wont be born for another 4000 years but its whatever
omg you'll never guess what. another vision. wow its one of the thangs. cool this is a tomorrow me problem
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I need to try harder to get out of bed but augh
#🤖.txt#aghhfjg i really need to catch up on sleep. but i also want to do stuff but idk. this is dumb but nothing i do really feels worth the effor#anymore. Thinking like this is sad bc drawing is one of the few things i like doing and make me happy but idk#i might just go back to the way things were before. Just wait for the weekend and spend as much time drawing then#genuinely dont want to do anything at all this is so frustrating and im so tired and sad all the time#i know i should be using my break to focus on studying but with what time#Idkkkk i just really hate living like this#thinking about dropping out again but that would just mean house chores + babysitting full time while job hunting and idk if i can handle#that. I cant handle anything anymore and this is making me so sad . I want to be useful and do so many things but i reached my limit months#ago. I just wanted a week or two to just rest its all i need . But i know im never gonna get that again and at this point i might as well#just die but i cant do that neither bc i have shit to do#Everyone is always talking about how i have it so easy and how things are just gonna get worse bc they think me being home = me not doing#anything and idk. I cant take anything anymore and i think the most upsetting part of this is that i know theyre right#im not doing barely anything and i dont know. How to do more im just useless and ungrateful for the things i have#Really stressed and tired and literally nothing happened. Its gonna be 2pm soon and im supposed to wake up Earlier#But yeagh. this wasnt supposed to be this wall of text i just wanted to say that i might give up on art again for a while#aughhh i dont know how to do anything right idk how to live or take care of myself how am i supposed to raise someone .#this is. too much i think. I reallyyyyy need to relearn how to just talk to myself . I cant keep dropping these everyday and being . This t#evsryone around me. Everyone in my life deserves so much better than ill ever be#vent
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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omw to school now chat!! 😸
#Mini vent bc im not ok haha:#So i literally cant stop shaking and ws barely able to breathe when i ws getting ready + ws hyperventilating the whole time.#Feel about a split second away from starting to cry again.#Mother left like 5 minutes before the taxi ws meant to get here bc she had to bring cat to the vet.#So she ws js like 'sorry i cant help :[ oh btw you gotta get ur shit together in <5min for school bye' which. Um. Yeah.#So i had about 3 minutes of breakdown time before i had to get my shit together and now i gotta sit through 6 hours of random bs probably w#a bunch of catch up work bc i wasnt in last week when we properly went back. So ive missed like 3 days worth of lessons.#So 6 hours worth of random bs + extra catch up work (besides the fact im also behind in a bunch of shit anyways bc i joined the class late.#& i'll probably have a thousand and one teachers 'checking on' me. All they want to hear is just another fucking lie of me saying im ok bc#Im too much of a fucking burden to not be. Even if i say im not ok the most ill probably fucking get is a shitty cup of tea and 5 minutes t#sit in the hall being gawked at for having the audacity to not be ok.#Spooks isnt in today. My other friend might be? Crimson might be? And Star might be? So idfk.#I dont want to make fake fucking conversation i dont really want to talk ever or do anything.#I dont feel able to exist right now. But i cant not?? So! Hn. Guess its fucking school instead.#Um. Yeah. Sorry?( I guess? Not really.) For this chat.#See you guys later.
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my mother commented in my appearance so actually im going to. im gonna. im gonna do somethig i swear. ill do it.
#i was gonna say something along the lines of 'tear my face off and grow a new one' but that didn't actually match#bc she commented on my hair. my hair can never be the way she likes it without me hating it.#'by the time you get round to going to the hairdressers itll be down to your knees'#ill shave it again and thats a threat. stop fucking looking at it.#i haven't been feeling particularly happy with myself in general bc depressions kicking my ass.#(these vitamin d supplements haven't been doing anything i think. i still cant sleep and i still feel like shit.)#i dont like being at home. i dont like being here.
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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once again at my wits end bc of men
#rant ////#i hate being afab sometimes bc no matter what i do ill always get shit in return. this is the second time the hospital cafe staff has been#little “too friendly” w me already and it hasnt even been a month(::: this one patient is strating to drive me crazy bc istg if u dare ask#one more personal question im not responsible for what will happen. no i cant give u my pen bc u already got one and why do u specifically#want mine?? its nne of ur business if im wearing a white coat or scrubs??? stfu and let me redo ur bandages over ur catheter#MAYBE IF U HAD S KEPT QUIET INSTEAD OF CONSTANTLY ASKING ME IRRELEVANT THINGS THAT R STARTING TO FEEL LIKE HARRASSMENT MAYBE IT WOULDNT HUR#but also u kno what? i just applied over the flaster to FIXATE so yea i have to apply a little pressure. dont “ouch it hurt” me ur a grown#ass man tf#no i told u tons of times idk ur treatment plan nor am i responsible for it stop asking me stop calling ot for me LEAVE ME ALONE#if youre told u cant leave ur room to wander off whya re u asking me again??? thne going "yea well ill go n if they ask ill say my disciple#doc allowed me“ no i didnt?? ”well my number is written there anyways“ so?? its not my concern? just stay put ur average bp is 17 and u r#stil going out to smoke do you have a fucing death wish or smt#also leave me alone and no u cant call me anything other than doctor. stop acting like a douche u dont act like this to my friend. is it b#im afab and hes not? yeah im sure it is BC THATS ALWAYS THE CASE IN THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY AND IM SICK OF BEING EITHER TREATED W DISRESPECT W#WHEN I TRY TO MAINTAIN THAT FRIENDLY DISTANCE A REGULAR DOC PUTS ON JUST BC IM NOT A CIS MALE. bc wow when youre afab youre eithre asking#for it or youre a rude bitch its no inbetween im so tired
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unrelated but i DO kinda feel guilty for my little crush for reasons i will not explain. but. yeah its wild over here tonight
#🍯#sfw#like he casually mentioned being glad he can have friends who dont expect it to become anything more and i felt ill#so. ill stop having THOSE feelings immediately lol#but i genuinely DO love him as a friend#n he said i was one of the first ppl he felt comfy writing with#and i. am soooo emotional 2night#my friends r so important 2 me and im never gonna say SHIT bc i love him as my friend wayyy 2 much#sorry im saying this here we r just mutuals on my main so. akdhsk#also we were talking abt potential meet ups the other day and i HATE living where i live. everyone else is soo far away#one of my friends is coming 2 the states soon n i will be a 10 hr drive away. thats fuckign miserable#the guy this post was originally abt and 2 of our other friends live close enough that he could drive 2 them. and its the opposite side of#the country#i wanna get 2 meet my friends so fucking BAD#like. i cant put it into words but i wanna give them hugs and see their faces when they smile and akdbdn#when is it MY turn to meet my friends irl#my shark
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it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?
#myposts#this is long and honestly probably Nothing#i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it#and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here#but i do think theres something to the idea that like#as ive seen said#yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized'#i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to#but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me.#but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse#before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it#ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago#and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think#which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged#so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community#for our safety.#now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe!#cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel#again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think#basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility#coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky#--discourses in the current moment#last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*
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I don't think I even have to say what I'm thinking about this irt for yall to already know
#coughing and sputtering and falling to the floor#my....my.. my otp...........#the domasia brainrot is so real and truly unparalleled to anything else for me#we are not talking about the rest of this song right now but even depsite that the story is like.#well okay then momus you gave me an interesting au here#many of his songs have this effect thats like. okay youre wild for that one bro but also Oh My Fucking GODDDDDDDD the pain. the pain. ouggh#these lyrics are from bishonen btw#momusposting#domasia#yeah sure ill put this shit in my usual tags#also coming back to just say. once more that yeah this one hits for many reasons. as do many of his songs#seriously wonder what his relationship with his parents were like considering the quantity of songs that can be taken in certain ways#pygmalism is another shining example of this (and one that got me so damn good. sometimes i cant even listen to it despite my love for it)#(bc it perfectly encapsulates feelings about irl stuff from the past i dont like dealing with)
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screaming in the club
time for another vent in tags
#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO#i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe#n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th#ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a#utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai#ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell#like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc#then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no#food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it#harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now.#the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats#fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS.#all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY#SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf#the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther#es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much.#i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the#bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and#no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh#it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression#i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat.#im so close to snapping on them at this point#i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT#everything has gone to shit#vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.
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me, on the one hand: its weird to gatekeep people identifying with characters just bc they don't share their same race
also me, upon watching a video of someone wanting the saiyans to be in ssj form 24/7: you just want them to be blonde with blue eyes all the time bc you're mad that otherwise you can't project on to them since they're likely asian 🙄
#ig these aren't mutually exclusive stances but still#in fact if anything it bolsters my former stance bc why tf cant you just identify with them as they are#anyways ive been holding this back bc of whiney people on here but yes i kin with bruno from encanto and theres nothing you can do#to stop me.#if i relate to him in every other way ASIDE from being fuckin colombian then thats a very stupid and arbitrary line to draw im sorry and#i also dont care about your weird gatekeeping#its almost like familial abuse isnt restricted to ones race and also race is fake but anyways#fuck your weird ''white' people cant imprint on these characters' shit like. you're literally trying to stop ppl from seeing themselves#in other races. how tf do you think thats beneficial to stopping racism like AT ALL?#me when i hate when 'white' ppl put themselves in my shoes and try to empathize with me#me when i reinforce the racial binary and act like its real and not made up by white supremacists and pretend im not contributing#to white supremacists' delusion that race is real#theres literally a woman who would conventionally be recognized as white in the movie but ig gingers cant imprint on her at all or w/e#bc they dont speak spanish or something idk. is it about skin tones? bc babe give me a couple of days on the beach and ill look like bruno#dsjhfsvdhjvgfhdsvhgdf#and no i dont believe you if you try to say that the abuse he faced was somehow unique to colombian culture or something.#if anything that kinda abuse was prolly passed down from europeans who colonized the lands so i have even MORE of a reason#to feel like i can identify w it since im mostly of 'european' decent ._.#at least as far as ik.#('european' is in quotation marks bc its a place w a lot of different types of people some of which aren't recognized as white by#some white supremacists even and idk what im mixed with so)
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*lays on the floor*
#vent in the tags i guess so heads up#ive literally had the worst luck this year#i just got in my 3rd car accident#2 in as many weeks#and im just#im so tired#i really want to die but thats inconvient and scary and itll make my mom sad and my fiance sad#bc it feels likenit just liles up and up and up#theres no end#and i dont have time to do what i love anymore#and i cant handle all the shit that keeps happening to me#and im just a burden on my parents financially even tho they say im not i am i know i am#my job sucks but i cant do anything else and this is like the most ive ever gotten paid but its still fucking poverty wages and im stuck#im too dumb to run my own business#i cant get any kind of mental help bc my insurance sucks bc i cant afford anything better bc my job sucks#its just a fucking never ending cycle#and im just tired#now my cars fucked again and i cant drive it now#who knows when ill be able to get a rental so im gonna have to pay out the ass for luft and uber bc i work at Bar hours#which means they charge more#and i love fucking 30 minutes away so even non peak driving times its still like 30 bucks both ways#and im fucking poor as shit#i couldnt even get fucking hurt in these accidents so i could get a medical pay out#i just want to stop#sorry if you've read this far#its sad boy hours here rn#ill delete this later i guess#maybe maybe ill just rot away like i should#whatever
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fighting for my life trying to find info abt specificslly being an autistic parent to allistic kids but you search Autistic parent to allistic kids and evrry single thing is ITS SO FUCKING HARD TO HAVE A WEIRD FREAK WEIRD GROSS WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD SCARY ODD BLUNT AUTISTIC CHILD !!! WHEN YOU ARE NORMAL AND GOOD !!! can we all kill ourselves
#i did find a pretty good article im reading through. so ya.. it was a little upsetting at first bc they talked abt like. the author is l#autistic so they were talking abt an interaction they had with an allistic woman who had autistic parents and siblings#and she said some like. truly vile things and this person is a Far better person than me bc theyre like. well the way the she feels is sort#of a mirror of the way i felt growing up in an allistic family. which is fair but also i for shre wouldbe cussed this woman out very much#sry . she was saying shit abt how awful it was to see 2 autistic people presenting and being appreciated by their colleagues and how her#parents were broken and she was Real in a way they werent . like damn sry abt yr childhood but thats like. idk. im trying to be empathetic#but i am a broken and evil autistic person so im having some difficulty 😯#sry. i have judt been thinking abt it bc i might adopt kids bc idk likee. yk. idk what the womb situation will be and i cant afford to get#my eggs frozen etc. so theres a high chance my kids might not be autistic. which is sort of scary and i wanted 2 try and see testimonies#from autistic parents judt 2 see like. what their experience was#obv ill still love my kids KRNFJFNG even if theyre weird freaky allistics (#JOKING JOKING JOKING JOKING JOKING sry if my future kids r reading this.)#but yk i just wanted to see some of the things 2 look out for.#bc obviously. some things that are really good for autistic children can feel either stifling or distant to an allistic kid. which you can#say abt anything lol thats every kid but ykwin.
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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(
#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever#and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved#and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad#like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause#unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided#to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also#but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee#i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested#man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading#and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier#and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man#u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever#insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc#ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone#gn#.vent
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i get a therapist (HELL YEAH AWESOME, THIS IS GOOD !)
she tells me to apologize to my mom (HORRIBLE, I AM CONSIDERING MURDER)
#smudgy.txt#.vent#at first i was like yknow what that sounds like a reasonable adult thing to do ! ill do it! :]#then once the call was over i suddenly remembered 1) the details of what happened 2) my mom isnt a reasonable adult#& will most likely not take it in a way that wont trigger me more#i fucking hate when ppls first thought is to believe that the parents are in the right when their kid talks abt some shit that happened#when they dont know the full fucking story#& now im worry if i Try to explain more she either wont believe me#or say i'm too much for her to handle & drop me#& now im spiraling again#& i want to spend the weekend trying to get out of it but that won't be possible bc The World Does Not Stop#so i'm just going to have to deal w this shit all over again#how do i explain to these fuckers that i am a danger to myself BECAUSE of my family & i dont need to Be A Better Child#i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#the only person who seems to understand this is my pcp but she cant do anything abt it bc the system is bullshit + its just not her job#& my sister is offering to help me but im terrified it'll cause even more drama in this family#bc my parents are incapable of handling anything like adults#i feel like im being torn apart in a million directions. i want to rest
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