#like i did. such a bad job oh god

[korovamlecznybar]

purchased a pair of shoes.

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[sloasis]

Aisha really directed a fucking banger of an episode where Bobby reunites with his estranged mother , made Buck have gay sex and then established that he might have feelings for Eddie then passed the rest of the episodes off to the showrunners and then Bobby's fucking dead . Tommy's back . No mention of Eddie whatsoever in the two part disaster but it's okay cause he's an uber driver and Chris hates chess . Gerrard is coming back as captain . Like no hate to the directors or showrunners but isn't it kinda messed up they've just backtracked on everything Aisha did ..?

[orcelito]

guess who got STRAIGHT A'S FOR THEIR FINAL SEMESTERRRRRRRRRRRR

4.0 GPA FOR THE SEMESTER, BABYYYYYYYYYYY

this raised my overall GPA to a 3.12. which it's a little sad that i'd been struggling so much prior to this past year (from unmedicated adhd & having to work a fucking job while in school) bc i probably Could have had a really high overall GPA. this past year proved that i *can* be a good college student. but Oh Well. i can be proud of what i've accomplished in this past year at least. and i can be proud of going from academic probation a year ago to getting straight A's in my final semester of college. and managing to raise my GPA up to a 3.12. still an accomplishment!!!

[kusanagihaku]

reading eset’s haku fic your highness rn and i’m going to SCREAM!!!! may u get any ssr u ever pull for immediately this was so GOOD im chewing ur haku up IMMEDIATELY

[moeblob]

Erin, to her crush: You're a dick

Mason, the crush: I won't argue! But to clarify -

[sskk-manifesto]

Next time we should just skip over ep 3 and do a chapters 84-87 reread

[kate-apologist]

i'm gonna start replying to people who say 11 is their favorite doctor with "oh the writing wasn't very good but matt smith did the best he could in the role" because i am tired of pretending i liked almost any of his seasons

it's what i have to hear about 13 all the time and i'm sick to the gills of it. sick of it i say!

[bumblingbabooshka]

Live Fast & Prosper

[v4mpyinred]

Watching Aleks Le and the rest if the Reload voice cast beat Reload has me so messed up rn. To me it feels like the end of an era. I remember the first video dropping last year, along with so many other Reload playthroughs from other people. All those other playthroughs have since died out as more people beat the game. This was the last "big one" in my opinion...Sigh. Truly an end of an era

I can't believe reload is a year old now. The era when Reload came out was such a good time for me. I made so many fun memories & friends I'll cherish forever all thanks to this game alone. SO much has changed since I beat the game a year ago. Every day I miss it dearly 😭

[cathymee]

we're all wasting our time the earth should just explode soon <3

[queer-reader-07]

screaming crying throwing up i was all vulnerable and shit in my writer's reflection and my prof was kind and supportive in return

[elegyofthemoon]

😊

[zerothisnero]

how I look at my mom after she gets done bitching and complaining about my (00g sized) ear guages that she's allowed me to have (she's only now complaining because my conservative grandparents were throwing a hissy fit about it)

[sad--tree]

god i hope i still have a face under all this makeup........

[lesbiansanemi]

Uh oh. I accidentally liked a marvel movie. Losing my media snob credibility immediately