#like how could i ever have a relationship when i need to have my own room even in a relationship sometimes...or spend time separate

[bialbovi]

I know I don't need a label to live but god do I feel miserable sometimes (paradoxically from the label and the unknown)

I am genuinely happy for my friends and their love but it is such a maze for me and maybe that's how it's supposed to feel

I've confused a friendship with what my ex friend considered "romantic" and I regretted it when I agreed to date, all this was resolved later because I confessed our feelings vary a lot

Thing is I do not feel miserable because I do not have a partner right now, absolutely not, I feel so happy because I get free time for myself and for my friends and other stuff and hobbies

I don't even want to date right now or anytime soon. And I still hang out with my friends and I am satisfied. Socially, I mean. But in the future I would love for it to work out with a future friend

I feel miserable because I am afraid that this label is going to fit way too well and I wish I was wrong. I wish I'll discover that I'm an aromantic who can feel romantic attraction just a little. for just like one person. it's scary because I don't know how it's supposed to feel

maybe I'm just an aromantic asshole who has suuuuuper unrealistic expectations, that could be the case as well

but... when would it ever stop me? I am well aware that we are all imperfect works in progress and I really want to think people are comfortable with me, or well most of them. I try to approach most people I meet, because gods I love meeting people and getting to know them, and if we establish trust we can talk about more complicated stuff and I am like down to. Because I cannot handle smalltalk constantly, we need to throw in some deeper thoughts and- and

I don't know

It just feels funny because out of all people why am I, the one who is (100%, I am so fucking sensitive) very sensitive and emotional and overthinking and overanalyzing and you know. It's funny that I'm the one who just doesn't get romantic attraction and if it happened to me like right now I'd be scared shitless. Because I don't want the chemistry of my brain to decide what I feel randomly. Like I know love from the first sight is most likely an overblown thing but also people somehow get magnetized and they just stick to each other and then just something happens. Maybe I just love everyone??? Maybe my problem is I want to have a relationship somewhere in the future but this someone has to be a friend first, but that's like the bare minimum?? That's how normal people would build a relationship, would they not?? (I mean you can date even if you know each other for a week but hey. trust issues)

It's also funny because I actually love fandom shipping, oh I love pairings so much, I love putting my own characters into relationships and I love it when some pairing clicks with my preferences. but like hell I don't even know what they are feeling and I am probably dooming the romance a little too much but I like poetic shit. I just wish. I experienced a fraction of this. but not right now because I'd be uncomfortable. I want to dissect my brain. We could argue that "Hey Albo you probably write them through the lens of friends with benefits" DING DING DING WRONG. well not entirely because it feels like how I view relationships in general is friends. with benefits. but not entirely but like??? this shit is so complicated. none of my ocs are officially friends with benefits lmao they and my favourits characters have "proper" relationships. Maybe the reason why I like pairings is my creative attempt to tap into something I have not experienced. and ofc these relationships are not perfect but that's what I love about characters and people and------

Maybe that means I am not a lost cause entirely? But like... I understand the deeper connection between people but I have not felt it if it makes sense. I can't come up with a metaphor you get me

But I cannot see myself in a relationship. And I really want to.

And I am well aware that relationships do not have to fit a structure or be stereotypical, it can be anything

But also..thinking about relationships still makes me want to prioritize my autonomy and it feels like a relationship takes so much of your time, and some type of force keeps people together for decades, even living together. "duh Albo that's what you do in a relationship, usually". I know! And I still dedicate time to my friends but it feels like getting into a relationship would be very restricting.... or maybe I am hoping for the only ideal unrealistic option again..... sigh

Even though I could keep living as I do now, for some reason I am afraid my friends are going to eventually prioritize their significant others. we should not go there right now

I just don't want to stay alone forever.

I know there are demisexuals but that's not my case entirely

and yes even though I think I still have the label bisexual somewhere every single time pride month arrives I put the green stripes on my accounts because well it stays consistent for now

and I am in my early 20's oops

what is wrong with me (rhetorical)

Aromantics who want a relationship are Valid

Aromantics who DON'T want a relationship are a Valid

Aromantics who hope to feel romantic attraction are Valid

Aromantics who feel a LITTLE romantic attraction are Valid

Aromantics who are romance repulsed are Valid.

Aromantics that enjoy sex are Valid

Aromantics who "Sleep around" are Valid

Aromantics who want kids are Valid

Aroaces are Valid

Allosexual Aromantics are Valid

Queer Aromantics are Valid

Hetro Aromantics are Valid

AROMANTICS ARE FUCKING VALID

[makeitmingi]

When Flowers Bloom In The Dark [Chapter 12]

Genre: Romance, Mafia!AU, Violence, Angst, Slow burn

Pairing: Hongjoong x Reader (y/n)

Characters: Florist!Reader, Mafioso!Hongjoong, Mafioso!Seonghwa, Mafioso!Yunho, Mafioso!Yeosang, Mafioso!San, Mafioso!Mingi, Mafioso!Wooyoung, Mafioso!Jongho

Summary: When you appeared and wept at his mother's funeral, Hongjoong found himself wanting to find out more about you. A regular girl, who owns a flower shop in his territory and has a relationship with the mother that he hasn't spoken to in years, why hasn't he ever noticed you before?

[Warning(s): 18+ for violence, use of weapons, smoking, alcohol consumption, slight gore, gang affiliation, tattoos and character deaths. Minors DNI. This is a work of fiction and does not represent the Ateez members in real life.]

Word count: 3.3K

Chapter warning(s): Mentions of prior character death, mourning/ grieving, going to a grave site.

"Good afternoon. How can I hel- Hongjoong, what can I do for you? I wasn't supposed to come in today, was I?" Your eyes widened as you scrambled for your phone, wanting to check what day of the week it was. Maybe you were not supposed to open your store today.

You've only been working at the mansion for about 2 weeks so you were still getting used to the schedule of going there to work.

"No, no, (y/n). It's not a work day today, I actually came for another reason." He cleared his throat. You nodded your head slowly, waiting for him to say something.

"I know your store is open today but my mother's grave is completed, I was just told this morning." He informed.

"Oh, already..." You replied.

"Yeah, I guess it's faster than I expected. But anyway, I was about to go see and was wondering if you would like to come with me." Hongjoong asked.

"What...?" It took a while for his question to sink in. You were not family, why would he ask you?

"If you're okay with closing your store, the decision is up to you. I could bring you another day if you'd like." He offered.

"No, it's not that... Uh..." You didn't really know what to say or how to react.

"(y/n), if you're not ready. That's fine too. We can go another day." Hongjoong spoke in a much softer tone. He could sense and see the distraught on your face but didn't know the true reason why you were hesitant. Seonghwa was the one that suggested he ask you along to his mother's grave site.

It was good advice. But Hongjoong was worried, would you judge his indifferent reaction when you were both there? What if you cried and he didn't?

"N-No, I'm ready. We can go. All the orders today have been collected. Just... give me a sec." You collected yourself to reply him.

"Of course. Take your time." He said. You nodded and gestured for him to take a seat at the work table while you went to lock the front door up and turned your sign to 'CLOSED'.

"I'll just make a bouquet for her." You informed him and went to pick out the flowers.

"Let me pay for it." He stood up, fishing for his wallet.

"No need to." You shook your head as you headed to the work table. Hongjoong watched as you skillfully trimmed the flowers and put them together, wrapping them with a nice, sage green paper.

"Would you like a separate bouquet from you?" You asked him when you were finished.

"It's fine, just one from you is sufficient." He replied, looking at his phone to avoid eye contact with you. You didn't protest or argue, merely nodding and going to grab your things. You hung up your apron and went to the bathroom to adjust your clothes and hair.

"I'm ready to go. Thank you for waiting, I wanted to be a little bit more presentable." You smoothed your dress down.

"There's time to go back to your place to change, if you want to." Hongjoong informed you as you picked up the bouquet to cradle it in your arms.

"I'm good. Thank you." You bowed your head. Once Hongjoong and you were outside, you locked the back door.

"This way." He led you to the car. Despite Seonghwa's advice to take a driver, Hongjoong insisted on driving his own car on his own.

"Thank you." You gave him a small smile when he opened the passenger seat door for you to enter. You laid the bouquet in your lap, careful to not let the flowers get ruined.

"Wow." As Hongjoong went to the driver's side, you looked around the interior of the car.

"You have a nice car." You blurted out.

"Thanks." Hongjoong, for the first time that day, smiled. He even let out a little chuckle at your abruptness. Of course it was a nice car, a Porsche 911 Heritage, it wasn't easy for Yunho and Mingi to procure it. But it was one of Hongjoong's dream cars and he loved putting the roof down to drive in the country side.

"Would you like to put the roof down?" Hongjoong asked as he started the engine. Your eyes sparkled with curiosity before you shyly nodded your head.

"Alright." Hongjoong pressed the button and you watched as the roof folded and tucked itself in the trunk.

"That's cool." You said. Thankfully, it wasn't sunny out. And you didn't know that Hongjoong was doing all this to lighten the mood.

"Let's go." Hongjoong played some soft hip hop songs in the background before beginning to drive. You carefully held the bouquet as you looked out the window.

The wind felt nice against your cheeks and it didn't feel so stuffy as it would have been in an enclosed car.

"Tell me if it's too warm or uncomfortable and I'll close the roof." Hongjoong said as he drove.

"Okay." You nodded. Even though the car ride was enjoyable, you couldn't help the way your heart was racing as you got nearer to your destination, it was like an impending doom.

Your fingers nervously drummed against your knees. You told yourself you needed to maintain your composure and your emotions in front of Hongjoong, even if you didn't know what your reaction would be when you get there.

"I... didn't prepare any offerings... We can stop by a fruit store if you want." Hongjoong said.

"It's okay. Maybe next time." You replied. You didn't ask Hongjoong why, he must have his reasons for not preparing anything, and you didn't want to make him feel guilty either.

Soon, all the buildings disappeared and you saw all the graves come into view, all lined up on the green fields.

"We're here." Hongjoong parked the car by the side of the road.

"Take your time, (y/n). There's no need to rush." That was the most he could comfort you with. He knew if he went any further, he would be crossing the line.

"T-Thanks." Your voice was shaky, an indicator of your nervousness. You looked out at the fields, not knowing which was Mrs Kim's.

"Okay, let's go." You looked at Hongjoong. He nodded and got out of the car, coming over to open the door for you.

"Follow me." He checked his phone for the directions that the cemetery director had provided him earlier this morning. You walked behind him, careful not to disturb or trip over the other graves. Hongjoong would occassionally stop and look over at you to make sure that you were okay.

"Should be right here." Hongjoong stopped and checked the name on the grave, it was his mother's name and her picture. You looked, indeed it was her.

"Go ahead." You said before Hongjoong could ask you to go first. It was only right, he was her real, biological son.

"Um..." Hongjoong felt so awkward because he didn't know what to say. You moved back a little in case he wanted some privacy.

"Hey... I brought (y/n) here. You probably want to see her more than me at this point... I'll let her do the talking, there's nothing much for me to say to you." Hongjoong mumbled with a bow.

You couldn't really hear what he said but it did sound like he mentioned your name to her, not that you would pry.

"I'm done. Not much for me to tell her." Hongjoong said to you. You nodded and stepped forward.

"I'll move to give you privacy-"

"Please don't... Could you... stay here? Please?" You cut him off, almost begging him. He was shocked by your request, he assumed you would have wanted to speak to his mother privately. But nonetheless, he nodded his head and just stood behind you.

"Hi, omonim. How have you been? I hope you've been well, I'm glad your resting place is finally complete. I-I brought you your favourites." You stuttered as you laid the bouquet down.

"I miss you... Sometimes... I wish it's still you walking through the door..." You smiled softly as tears welled up in your eyes.

"But I hope you're at peace now, free from everything." You quickly wiped your stray tears.

"I'll come visit you more often, bring your favourite tea and snacks. Just like when you used to come during lunch or tea time to chat with me." You smiled through the tears.

Hongjoong watched from the back, you genuinely had a connection with his mother. You spoke more fondly of her than he ever did.

It was like you were her real child while he was the stranger.

"Sorry." You wiped your tears and stood up to face Hongjoong. Seeing your tears, Hongjoong felt a slight ache in his chest. A feeling he has never felt before.

Screw it, Hongjoong wrapped his arm around you, pulling you to his chest. Right now, he knew you needed comforting, he didn't care about lines and boundaries. He could feel you hesitate for a few seconds before your hands gripped the material of his suit jacket and you softly cried into his chest.

As he held you, he looked over at his mother's grave behind you. Not once, since the news of her passing, has he cried. While you have cried a lot for her.

Yes, maybe the feeling in his chest was some sort of twisted guilt for not crying over his own mother's passing.

"Sorry." You cried. You didn't want to breakdown and cry, much less cry on Hongjoong's chest but you couldn't help all the emotions.

"It's okay..." He replied in a whisper.

Hongjoong and you stood there, he didn't make a move until you were ready to let go first. And once you regained composure, you did that. You pulled away and wiped your remaining tears away.

"I'm so sorry!" You said, horrified at the wet patch that was now on Hongjoong's shirt and the crumpled ends of his jacket where you had gripped too hard.

"It's fine, (y/n). Don't worry." He assured, patting your head. You felt your cheeks heat up at that gesture.

"We can go now..." You said softly.

"Are you sure?" He asked. You nodded your head. Hongjoong let you say goodbye to his mother, he didn't want or feel the need to, then you both headed back to the car. After you got in, Hongjoong kept the hood up, unsure if you wanted to just relax in the car.

"Can we put the top down again?" You requested. He hummed and pressed the button to put the hood down. With that, he began to drive out of the cemetery.

As he drove, Hongjoong glanced to the side, seeing you close your eyes as you felt the wind against you.

"I don't know how I'll be in a normal car again." You suddenly spoke with a smile on your face.

"Well, whenever you want to go for a drive, let me know." He chuckled. Hearing you say that, Hongjoong decided to take a longer route for you to enjoy the scenery for a bit.

"Would you like to go for some food or do you want to go home?" He asked.

"I don't mind going for food, if you don't have to go back to work." You turned to him with slight worry on your face.

"They don't need me. Let's go." Hongjoong said. You didn't know where he was taking you but you were fine to let him choose, you were not a picky eater.

"Hope you're okay with street food." Hongjoong told you as he parked the car by the street and pulled the hood up. You looked up at the restaurant selling street food, you were not expecting this. For some reason, you had the impression that Hongjoong and his brothers only ate at expensive places.

"I love street food." You replied. He smiled and came out, going to open the door for you. The both of you found a table by the side to sit together.

"Hongjoong sshi, what can I get you?" An older lady came to take your order.

"What would you like?" Hongjoong asked.

"Gimmari and soondae, please." You requested. Hongjoong added that to the order, adding on some other regular stuff like odeng soup and tteokbokki.

"Coming right up." The lady and Hongjoong exchanged friendly smiles before she walked to the kitchen.

"You come here often? The lady seems to know you." You asked as poured the tea into cups and handed one to him. He received it with a bow of his head and took a sip of the cold tea.

"Yeah, you probably thought that I only eat at expensive restaurants, don't you?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, you kind of stick out with your suit..." You mumbled, embarrassed that he somehow knew what you were thinking.

"Well, I don't blame you for assuming that. My brothers and I do usually eat at nice restaurants because of business and somtimes because my brothers own those restaurants. But that doesn't mean we don't enjoy our street food." Hongjoong said.

"Your brothers own restaurants?" You asked.

"Yeah, there are others too. They branch out into all different types of industries. It's good for overall business and they're passionate about it." Hongjoong shrugged.

"Wow... That's impressive." You said. You suddenly felt so small, you were just a florist. Who were you compared to them?

"Here we go." The lady came with a tray, placing all the dishes in front of you two.

"Thank you." You and Hongjoong said together. She smiled at the two of you and left. Hongjoong reached over to take the cutlery from the box and handed a set to you.

"Eat up. We can order more if there isn't enough." Hongjoong encouraged. A nice silence settled over the two of you as you ate.

"The food is really good." You said as you chewed.

"Told you." There was almost a proud smile on Hongjoong's face. You watched as he avoided all the vegetables on the plate. You tried your best not to snicker, remembering how Mrs Kim told you that Hongjoong never liked to eat his vegetables. But you didn't want to ruin the mood by mentioning Mrs Kim.

"I just don't like vegetables... If I can choose not to eat them, I don't." Hongjoong said, noticing you were staring.

"Ah! I wasn't judging..." You shook your head. Hongjoong snorted, thinking he caught you in a lie. But thinking about Mrs Kim again made you feel a little sad.

"My mother told you that about me, didn't she?" Hongjoong knew from the expression on your face.

"I..." You didn't know what to say.

"It's fine, (y/n). At some point, I have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship with my mother is vastly different from mine." He said. You looked down, not wanting to meet eyes with him.

"It's not your fault and I shouldn't have made you feel like it was." He continued, remembering what the other Ateez members told him.

"No, Hongjoong. It's okay. I... I understand." You said.

"Let me go get more soup." Hongjoong stood up, taking the bowl to go to the front. You looked at his back as the lady refilled your shared bowl then she reached over to pat his shoulder with a smile on his face as they conversed.

"Hyung! What a coincidence to meet you here!" Loud voices were heard from the entrance and your gaze shifted to see Yunho, Wooyoung and San standing at the entrance of the store.

"What are you guys doing here?" Hongjoong hissed with a frown on his face.

"We just went to the casino and wanted to drop by for a bite. It was really a coincidence." Yunho grinned.

"I don't know what you're up to... But go away." Hongjoong glared. He took the soup and headed back to your table. But of course, they didn't listen to the captain.

"Hey, (y/n)." Yunho greeted. You gave a shy wave to all 3 of them.

"Do you mind if we take a seat?" Wooyoung asked. You nodded, gesturing to them to sit down.

"You can tell them to go, you know?" Hongjoong raised an eyebrow at you. Your eyes widened, you definitely did not have the courage to tell the 3 of them to leave.

"She won't do that. She's not as mean as you, hyung." San scoffed. You've only been working at their house for 2 weeks so you were still getting to know them. One thing for sure was that despite their fierce looks, they were all really nice and for some reason, really liked to mess with Hongjoong.

"Get your own food." Hongjoong scolded, slapping Wooyoung's hand when he wanted to steal of a piece of soondae.

"It's o-okay! I d-don't mind." You stuttered, shaking your hands. They were the ones that approached you first as you were working, showing their friendly side and trying to become 'friends' with you.

"I want kimbap." San said. Yunho raised his hand to add more food orders. Your eyes widened at the amount of food they added on.

"They're big eaters." Hongjoong said to you.

"I can tell..." You giggled, watching Wooyoung pour their tea. San's injuries looked a lot better, compared to when you first went to the house and bumped into him.

"Your order is here." The lady came back and put all the food down. Your eyes widened at all the dishes.

"You'll get used to it soon." Wooyoung winked. You blinked in confusion while Hongjoong flicked a toothpick at him.

"Don't listen to him." Hongjoong said, checking his phone.

"You guys snuck out? Hwa is looking for all of you." Hongjoong looked up from the device with a frown of disapproval at the 3 sitting at the table. The 3 just gave innocent shrugs, continuing to eat their food, while Hongjoong replied to Seonghwa.

"Do you always sneak out of work?" You asked, genuinely curious.

"When you own the company, it's called an 'extended lunch break'." San corrected with a playful smirk. Hongjoong let out a long sigh and shook his head.

"Please don't think the entire company is like that, most of us are actually hardworking." Hongjoong said.

"Hey, we're hardworking too, hyung. We just like to take breaks." Yunho rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, not all of us are workaholics." Wooyoung added. Hongjoong facepalmed, there was no way he was winning against the 3 who were against him.

"Since we're done with our food, I can take you home now, if you want." Hongjoong said to you, ignoring the others.

"Aww, wait for us. We're almost done too." Yunho added.

"We can wait for them. I'm not in a rush to go back home or anything." You said.

"(y/n), you shouldn't be giving in to them, it's not good. Don't start giving into them and what they want." Hongjoong adviced. You giggled at his words, he was speaking about them like he was their father. It was nice to see such a dynamic between them, Hongjoong and Seonghwa were very much like parents to the rest.

"Nonsense. Don't listen to him. We're great, the life of the party! You'll always have fun with us." Wooyoung winked, slinging his arm around your shoulders.

"That somehow does sound unsettling." You chuckled, making the rest at the table laugh.

"Wooyoung. Arm." Hongjoong pointed out with a threatening glare. Wooyoung did obediently remove his arm from you.

"I'm taking (y/n) home." Hongjoong declared.

"See you next time, (y/n)." The 3 were honestly not that bothered, they would see you when you came to work at the mansion anyway, much to Hongjoong's annoyance.

~

Series masterlist

[theyhavetakenovermylife]

If you're looking for threesome requests, my personal favorite is Blood Orange (Raph and Mikey). I don't need anything too crazy (I'm honestly as vanilla as they come 😅) but maybe it's the two of them and the reader's first time together? They're still figuring things out a little, and Raph and Mikey need to come to an understanding on how to go about things, and it ends up being very sweet, passionate and ultimately a success. I hope this is okay. Let me know, and thank you so much!

Blood Orange (18+)

Fortnite!Raphael x reader x Fortnite!Michelangelo

A/N: I’m not that vanilla myself, but I’ve decided to cut back just a little, before any full on action is about to happen, keeping it very implied (and maybe because I got a little tired but still had an urge to get this posted today😂💚). It doesn’t go into detail about their first time together, but it does set the stage for how a threesome would come about, and I hope that’s okay❤️🧡

All characters are aged up.

Warnings: Fwb relations, implied smut, almost fingering, turtley anatomy, implied threesome.

You had tried plenty of things in your life. Many exciting things that some people could only dream of. Though you might not consider them exciting or as extreme as some people might see it, but you did enjoy it. You had enjoyed all of it. But there was still one thing that you really wanted to try. A thing you had only been able to dream of. A fantasy that had been making its way through your thoughts, over and over for quite some time now. And now, as you sat between Raphael and Michelangelo on the couch, watching a show that they had decided on, your little fantasy made its way back into focus, causing your heart to quicken a bit. And what was that little fantasy of yours? A threesome. Not just any threesome, but a threesome with you, and the two mutant turtles you sat between. And to be quite honest, that fantasy had been getting you in the mood like no other. Especially when you knew exactly what the two brothers were capable of.

For several weeks now, you had had a friends with benefits relationship with not just Raphael but Michelangelo as well. However, neither of them seemed to know about the other. None of them knew that just moments after you had been sucking Raph off in his bedroom, you would just skip across the hall to Mikey’s room, where he would eat you out in his own room. And in all brutal honesty. You loved it. It was probably one of the best things you had ever gotten yourself into. Some days it had gotten more freaky than others, with you having been fucked thuroly by one of the brothers, before you made your way to the other brother to experience the whole thing all over again.

You have had both Raph and Mikey, several times, even within hours of each other. So of course, the natural thing to be wanting next, was to have both of them at the same time. And of course, as you sat there, squished between the two men that have been pounding you to heaven and back, you couldn’t help but wonder if you should do something about it. That this was the day that you would cause your fantasy to become real.

With a lip bite you shifted your attention between the two mutants, wondering which one would be the first to make a move on you. Normally, it wouldn’t take long before one of them would cough, or do something before mumbling something about going to their room, as a sign for you to follow when the coast was clear, and all suspicion was off. So now you sat there, excitingly waiting for any of them to do something. Both Mikey and Raph sat with their eyes glued to the show, playing on the screen before you. They would only move once in a while, in an attempt to get more comfortable on the couch. At every move, you found yourself hoping, getting excited at the thought of what might happen next. So you could not help but feel a little disappointed when they were only scratching their chin, or just moving one leg over the other. It was almost getting to the point of infuriating. But then, something happened, sending shivers of joy through your body.

Raph had moved a hand to his chin, giving it a few scratches, before letting it fall back down. But instead of returning to a rest in Raph lap, just like it had done moments before, it now came to rest on your thigh, giving it a small squish, before letting his thumb rub against your clothes. It was impossible for you to not bite the inside of your lip.

Just as you started to focus on the feeling of Raph’s hand on your thigh, you felt Mikey’s hand carefully nudge yours onto his lap, with his hand slowly guiding it to where he wanted it, getting closer and closer to his cloaca. You sucked in a silent breath, noticing how both brothers were still staring at the television, not noticing what the other was doing. It was thrilling, as you felt your lower region beginning to puls with excitement. Raph’s hand moved closer to your pulsing center, as your little finger made contact with Mikey’s needy cloaca. You swallowed a moan, but you could not hide your heavy sigh. That caused Raph to chuckle, and Mikey to crack a small smile.

“And here I thought she would be a harder nut to crack”, he chuckled, finally looking your way, with his hand squishing your thigh once more. This time you could not hide your moan, too shocked to even try.

“Really?”, Mikey asked, slowly moving your hand over his cloaca, smirking as you saw your flustered and confused expression. “I honestly expected her to crack a lot sooner. You know how she gets when she has first put her mind to something”.

“What are you talking about?”, you asked, feeling your heart beating faster and your breath getting heavier.

“Did you seriously not expect us to know?”, Raph chuckled with a smug smile, leaning in closer to your face, his hand moving to cup your heat, while Mikey’s member slowly came out to let your fingers grace against it. “We’re mutant turtles babe, we can smell it on you”.

“What?”, you asked, suddenly feeling very mortified, freezing in your seat.

The two brothers started laughing, before moving closer against you.

“I don’t think she knows, Mikey”, Raph said, rubbing his hand over your center. “I don’t think she knows that we can smell when she gets aroused, or when she has been with any of us”.

“You can what?!”, you asked, turning from one to the other, your eyes wide, as the revelation of Raph’s words started sinking in. They knew, and they had always known.

“What Raph just told you”, Mikey smiled, using your hand to stimulate his cloaca, letting his head fall back against the headrest of the couch, looking at you with dreamy yet mischievous eyes. “I don’t think you realize how much fun we’ve had with it”.

“Fun?”, you asked, feeling Raph’s fingers sneak towards the hem of your bottoms.

“Yeah, fun”, Raph smirked, slowly moving below you underwear, as his fingers sneaked their way down. “It’s almost a game to see who can make you cum the quickest, or if we can beat your highest amount of orgasms in one day”.

“Why do you think we both want you on the same day, just right after each other? We know just how to overstimulate you”, Mikey said.

“But tonight”, Raph said, making his way past your mount, with one finger gracing your slick folds, causing you to shutter, wishing that he would press down, right where you needed him and Mikey the most. “We thought it would be best to see if we could do it all, together, right here, on the couch”.

“How does that sound?”, Mikey asked, his voice already sounding airy.

You did not hesitate, pressing your fingers against Mikey’s cloaca, causing his member to slowly slip out, his head peeking into the palm of your hand, while you lifted your hips just a little, chasing Raph’s fingers.

“I say, bring all you got”, you smiled, feeling delighted that your fantasy was finally becoming a reality.

[hannamoon143]

You drew stars around my scars ✮⋆˙

Life is hard. Some people don't know how to cope with that. Some people just try to feel mentally better by causing physical pain instead. How ironical, isn't it? Oh but bless you, that lee felix is in your life. Because this man never misses a thing.⋆｡°✩

Genre:Angst,Hurt/comfort

Warnings:Sh,a bit childhood trauma, Depression, Crying, mentions of food,mentions of bad eating habits

Lee felix x fem.Reader

Words: 3,9k

a/n: hey everyone<33 To write this fic brought me some comfort too, and it's healing me a bit more everytime i can use my own experiences,emotions and thoughts to write something that comforts others too, and relate to y/n a lot. And i know i'm not the only one, so i hope this can bring everyone that reads it a bit comfort. And pls always remember what of a beautiful person you are. Hurting yourself is never ever the only solution. If you need someone to talk, reach out to someone, anyone, also me if you don't have anyone. I'd rather have literally any person cry for hours in my arms, or vent to me in my dm's than have them hurt their own bodies, that always supports them. Everything felix says in that fic is true, and they r my own thoughts about this. I love you all, take care of yourselves.<3

Depression takes a lot from you. It takes your motivation, productivity, the will to socialize, and your happiness. It’s unfair isn’t it? Little, happy children become tired, broken adults.

People always think depression is something where you sit in your bed the whole day and cry. Well that is half true. Yes, there are days like that, but that’s far not everything. The worst are those dull days, when you feel entirely numb, but your life has to go on anyways. No joy in your heart, and no tears in your eyes. Just a big nothing in your mind.

After a while you figure it out though. It’s always those numb episodes, until every emotion you thought didn’t exist the days before, crashes down on you. And it’s overwhelming. Every.single.time.

But what if you’d find something that could ‚help‘ you? Something that brought you pain and relief at the same time? That made you feel alive, in the numb episodes and distracted you from the pain in the days where you broke down? The price was just your beautiful skin, and blood...

A problem was though, once you’d start, it would be very hard to stop again. But why should you anyways? Why should you stop when it was the only thing seemingly bringing you comfort for some short time?

It started off by you, picking at your skin absimendtly whenever you felt anxious, or when you just didn’t pay attention. It felt relieving. It was the burning pain when you scatched on your skin so hard it was slightly bloody, making you feel like your feelings actually mattered. And then that one night. That night everything crashed down on you. Your friends wanted nothing to do with you anymore, the few you had before, cut contact. You couldn’t even be mad at them. Who wouldn’t be annoyed by someone who constantly cancelled plans, and gave off a „depressing, annoying attitude“? Well these were their words. Oh but you saw it coming. All the overthinking in the middle of the night, those worst case scenarios, they had come true.

And your family? You never had a healthy relationship with them. So now, that you were grown up, the contact was almost entirely dead. And yeah, there was your boyfriend felix, but you’d never burden him with your problems. He already had enough on his mind with the world tour and all the new released albums, of the band he was in.

And that was it. No one there that you could reach out to, no one to comfort you, when your heart and mind were breaking into millions of glass splitters. Every person reaches their breaking point someday. And that day was yours. You remembered the night clearly. You were sitting on the bathroom floor, crying out all the emotion you had been holding in for too long. You had no friends anymore. No family. And pretty sure soon no boyfriend too. Nothing to hold onto.

Then you reached out to a drawer. You didn’t really register what you were doing as you took it out. A simple, silver blade. A little cut on your wrist. A line of crimson red blood on your skin.

At first you were terrified. What had you done? Why weren’t you affected by the stinging pain on your wrist, and the blood building in the small cut? Why did it in fact feel good? And then you decided to try it again, just to answer those questions right?

That’s where it started.

You knew you had depression. But going to a therapist? You were scared, probably too lazy, and you could never tell all your problems to a complete stranger. And most of all you didn’t want felix to worry either. He was the only one left, and soon he would surely leave too. He was the sweetest, sunny person on this earth, he deserved someone that matched his energy, and wasn’t so… hard to love.

Every single task felt like a hard, impossible chore. Getting out of your bed felt like doing the unbelievable. Doing the most simple things like showering, or brushing your teeth seemed so far away, that you could only master them on your best days. Some days, you went to work, did everything you had to, with a straight, stoic face. That was until you came home, laid into your bed, and silent tears would build wet spots on your pillow.

But somedays, even crying seemed too overwhelming. All you could do was lay in your dark room, staring at the wall. It was just the darkness and you, and somewhere in your mind, a voice whispering that it would help to cut...

And then there were these rare days, on which you felt almost too overwhelmed. It were those days you came home, and added another scar to the gallery of them on your arms. You questioned your life on these days. Because truly, you didn’t see a reason why you should be here right now. No, you weren’t proud of it. But who was there to stop you? Why should you quit if it was the only thing keeping you sane right now? When it was only the stinging pain who could make you slip out of the monotone haze in your mind, for at least a little bit time.

But it would be stupid to assume felix didn’t notice something was off. Lee felix was a pure person. Someone who could make even the rainiest days shine bright. And he cared about the people he loved more than anything else.

When you started cancelling plans it was already alarming for him. You were someone who never cancelled plans with him. You were usually a happy person, someone who made jokes that were actually funny. Someone who made him laugh with your little quirks, that he noticed over time. Someone who comforted him when he felt bad. And most of all you were the most excited person when you two would meet up. You never missed to tell him how much you loved him, that he was your happy person, and your comfort person.

That was before

Before suddenly everything stopped. He rarely got to see your beautiful face now anymore. You took a long time to respond to his texts, and when you did, they were short, and dry. This didn’t feel like you. Felix knew you. And that wasn’t you. This wasn’t the happy girl he met. And he surely wasn’t planning on letting things go like this forever. Something wasn’t right. And no matter what you said or did, to try and get away from him, and shut everything out, he would stay by your side. He would find out what was wrong and do everything possible in this world to make you feel like yourself again.

It was another day today. Another number on the calendar. You stopped looking at it. It didn’t matter anyways. Those were just numbers on paper, and they would never change anything. So you dragged yourself out of bed, feeling even heavier than usual. Like a zombie you just quickly got dressed, not even registering what you were wearing, and drank a mug of coffee. It would make you feel a bit more awake for at least a few hours. Eating breakfast had become impossible in the last few weeks. You were barely eating anything the whole day, to be honest. Sometimes, you just couldn’t stand up and make yourself something. But most times, you just didn’t feel hungry.

You went your usual way to work. At the bus, you took a short glance at your phone. You used to be on your phone a lot for the silliest things, but now you hated it. You hated the brightness, and that everytime you looked at it you had to interact with others. And the worst was, it remdinded you of what you had lost. The spark you had in your eyes on photos from a long time ago.

Something popped up on the screen

A message from felix. Of course. He messaged you every single day. You couldn’t ignore him, no matter how shitty felt, you couldn’t bring yourself to ignore him. So you opened it.

Hey sunshine<3How are you today? I thought of maybe grabbing some takeout and watching a movie together tonight, since i have off early! I’ll even let you pick one of those cheesy romcoms you love so much. Love u^^

You sighed. He was still so sweet, so caring, when he should be really annoyed, right? His girlfriend was a walking zombie, why didn’t he already break up with you?

Hey lix, sorry no time today.

Then you quickly put your phone away. You couldn’t stand thinking of his lips turning into that sad pout, when he’d read your answer. But you couldn’t meet him. You didn’t care how stubborn that was, but you wouldn’t let him see you like this. He would see right through you, and get you to tell him what was wrong.

You stopped making excuses someday. Who even cared? Sooner or later he’d leave, just like your friends. No lame excuses would matter then. Someone like you was unlovable. And that would never change.

As felix read your response he sighed.

That was enough. He wouldn’t let your relationship carry on like that. He wouldn’t let you carry on like that. Something was clearly wrong and he wouldn’t stand so far away and watch you slowly shut down from the entire world. Not anymore. Tonight he would come to your apartment, if you wanted to or not.

You didn’t remember what you did throughout the day. When you tried to recall it, there were only hazy memories, covered in a grey, thick fog. You didn’t even remember how you came home. Everything just happened. Now, you were walking through your apartment door, kicking off your shoes and coat. With a deep sigh, you dragged yourself to the bathroom. You shut the door, immediately sinking down on the floor. You were exhausted. More than that. The past days, or maybe even weeks you had held everything in more than usual. You felt like passing out right then and there, on the cold bathroom tiles. But there was something else. You knew that feeling. When you would have spent too many days in numbness, then at one point, every emotion, everything you thought wasn’t there before, creeps up in your throat from the depths of your soul. You feel the grieve, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, every single emotion crashing down on you at once. And then you can’t stop it anymore.

Tears started to well up in your eyes, and you pulled your knees up for a bit comfort.

These were the moment you hated the most, besides the numbness. Being numb is uneblievably tiring, but when all the feelings, everything comes up at once, that is even worse. You never knew how to deal with your emotions well. When you were a kid you never got the chance to express emotions. Crying was not allowed. If you did, you’d hear „ Stop it, or i’ll give you a reason to cry.“ If you screamed or hit out of anger you’d get punished in some way. Only a polite smile was, what was allowed to show on the outside, what to show to other people. That was probably part of the reason why you’d grown into a person who had these unhealthy, shitty habits, instead of expressing and coping with their emotions well.

You knew you should just let it pass. Endure these feelings. Maybe text someone to try and distract yourself. But somehow, you always went back to drowning out emotions with physical pain. You took the sharp blade from the bathroom drawer, your hands going unbelievable shaky like they always did when you took it out. You only started to cry more. You hated that you did it. You hated that you were a person that couldn’t handle their own feelings like a responsible adult, and had to shut them out with self harming instead. And still you did it again and again. You hated the way your arm looked when you put your sleeve up now. White lines from old cvts. Slightly reddish ones from some that happened some time ago. And those brightred ones. Reminders of not too long ago. They made you so angry. Reminding you of who you were. Of what you were.

So you decided to look away. You just put the blade to your wrist, looking at the blank bathroom wall. It was already so familiar, you knew where it would hurt the most without even looking.

Felix was searching around his apartment for that gray hoodie you wanted to have everytime you saw him wearing it. Maybe it would cheer you a bit up. As he finally found it, he grabbed the brownies he had made for you earlier, and his keys, heading out his apartment, to head to yours instead.

He started his car. It was a short drive so there was not much time for thinking. But there were some thoughts in the back of his head. Wasn’t he overstepping? You clearly didn’t want to see him, maybe you were also just annoyed?

But felix shook those voices off. He knew you. He had known you for years, and this wasn’t you. He had to do this.

And then he was already at your apartment. Slowly he got out of the car, taking the things, and started to walk up the stairs.

Soon he was in front of your door. Should he knock? He knew where your spare key was but he didn’t want to be respectless. So he softly knocked on the door.

„Y/n? It’s me, felix. I know you didn’t want to meet, but… i was worried. Can we talk please, my love?“

He waited for a minute. But there was no answer. Maybe you really weren’t at home? He decided to just try it. To his surprises the door was unlocked. That meant you were home, but also why would you let your door stay unlocked? He sighed, and locked it from the inside. He quietly took off his shoes, and put them on the side. Yours were scattered messily on the floor, and your coat too. Usually you hated when something in your apartment wasn’t organized. Maybe you were in a hurry before. He went into the kitchen, wich was dark, putting the brownies on the counter. „Y/n?“ he softly called out again. Still no answer.

But there, suddenly he heard something. A quiet, mumbling or...crying? His brows furrowed and he tried to follow the sound. There. In the bathroom. It seemed like you didn’t hear him calling you. At first he considered just going back to your kitchen and waiting there for you to come out, but when he heard another deep sob from you, he knew what to do. Whatever was going on right now, he wanted to be by your side. So he took a deep breath and opened the door.

„Y/N, what is g-“ His eyes widened in shock, and your head perked up immediately at the door clicking open, your gaze changing from surprise, to confusion, to somewhat realization and guilt. The sight in front of him horrified him. His beautiful, lovely girlfriend sat on the bathroom floor, her face red and puffy from crying, and a sharp blade in her hand. And your arm… How couldn’t he notice? He just stood there, in the door, staring at you.

You couldn’t read his face. Was he mad…? Of course he’d be mad. You quickly reacted as you got to your senses again. You jumped up, letting the blade fall, and a drop of blood dropping down on your white bathroom tiles.

„Felix…. I can explain, i h-haven’t, it’s not what it looks like o-okay? I’m okay, p-please i know you’re mad but-“

You got cut off. You couldnt’t even say anything more, because suddenly you were wrapped up tightly in your boyfriend’s comforting, warm embrace. You forgot how good a hug from him felt… And when you got a little glance at his face that was it. No anger, no twisted kind of any emotion against you. There was pure sympathy and love. When you also saw a tear rolling down his face, you couldn’t take it anymore. You buried your face in his neck, and let go. You sobbed uncontrollably, your arms and legs trembling so much, to the point your knees gave in, and felix slowly sank to the ground with you. Why did the cvts on your arms suddenly really hurt for the first time? He had you pulled on his lap, rocking you back and forth, stroking your hair gently. „Shhh, it’ll be alright. I’m here now, you are not alone.“

Good thirty minutes later, your sobbing had stopped, and only warm paths of tears remained on your cheeks. Felix lifted your head from his neck a bit, so he could look into your eyes. Though you had just cried your heart out, it was still the most mesmerizing pair of eyes he had seen in his life. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

„Let me treat those, okay?“ He simply said, glancing at your cuts.

He was gentle. He desinfected every single cut, apologizing every time you hissed at the sharp pain. Then he put some healing ointment on your fresh ones, and some at your older ones too. Then, with gentle, calm hands he bandaged your arms. He ended his treament with featherlight kisses on them. Then he got up, helping you up too. He had his hands on your side, his eyes on your face.

„Love…I won’t ever judge you, or get mad at you for anything, i hope you know that okay? I know that this is probably your way to cope with things, and i know that you know it’s not healthy. But it’s okay. Please just promise me, you will come to me instead of doing that, from now on hm? Everytime you want to do it you call me, text me, whatever. I’d rather have you crying in my arms for hours, venting to me for hours, you screaming at me, or do whatever you need to, than have you hurt and bleeding entirely alone on the floor. I’ll come over, and do whatever i need to, to cheer you up alright? And don’t shut me out from your life. I want to be a part again. I miss the way you’d text me when you see something that makes you smile. Or when you send me pics of the cute cats you saw on the sidewalk. Or when you just simply tell me about your day. And most important of all, i’ll stay by your side okay? No matter what. I will do everything to help you recover, and build up your life in a way that makes you happy okay? Let me help you sunshine. You don’t need to do it all alone.No matter how hard it in the past was, I’m here now, and I don’t plan on leaving soon.“

Tears welled up in your eyes again, but this time you smiled at him. „Okay lixie. Okay. I’ll try.“

Then he softly smiled at you, and guided you to your livingroom, where he made you sit on the couch. He rushed off to the kitchen, and was soon back again with a plate of brownies and his gray hoodie. „It seems like you didn’t eat much lately, you’ve been getting a bit too skinny, love. But don’t worry, now i’m here to feed you with everything you want to eat. You don’t need to move a single finger.“ He mumbled, as he first handed you the hoodie, wich you put on immediately and snuggled into it. It had always been your comfort hoodie, since it was big, fluffy, and always smelled like him a lot. Then he put down the plate in front of you. Felix’ brownies had always been one of your favorite things. They were delicious like no one else’s.Everytime you asked him what he was throwing in there, he always told you that it was his love and care wich he made them with. You believed him, this man made everything better with his sunny personality.

You simply smiled at him, and took one of the brownies, taking a big bite

„That’s my girl.“ He chuckled, ruffling your hair. As you were munching, and he was watching you with a fond smile, he suddenly asked „Do you have a marker somewhere here?“ You looked up, raising a brow. „Yeah, in the drawer over there i guess, why?“ He just stood up, and opened said drawer, taking the marker. He was back by your side in an instant. „Please give me one arm love“ He said, politely like always. You were still pretty confused but how could you say no to that? So you slowly laid your bandaged arm in his hands. He kissed it once and then softly started to draw on it. „What are you doing?“ you asked, mouth full of brownie.

„Those my love, are battle scars. It isn’t beautiful how you got them, but they are a part of you now, and they make you the person you are. They deserve to be called beautiful now too, like every single body part of yours. I love every part of you. And when they are healed, I’ll kiss each and everyone of them, but for now, they deserve to be treated with care. They will only heal properly, if you let them. If you’d always be angry when you’d look at them, they would never really heal. You would never really heal. You need to forgive yourself, and someday you will be able to move on. They show how far you’ve come, that it was very hard, but you never gave up. Battle scars, my love.“

You looked into his eyes. He said all that so sincere, you believed every word. And then as he was done you saw what he did. A lot of little stars, and a pretty moon in the middle were drawn on the bandages. And next to the moon he wrote a little note

„Because i want you to never forget who you are. You are Y/n L/n, a fighter, and the most beautiful woman i know.“

„How did i deserve you lee felix?“ You murmured in awe.

„You deserve the world, and more my love.“

And that really was a turning point. Thanks to felix, your days weren’t dull anymore. He was always there with you, laughing and talking a lot, but he also respected when you wanted some alone time. And when you came to him somedays, crying and telling him that you wanted to do it again, he took you in his arms, wrapped you both into a blanket and rocked you back and forth, until no tears were left anymore, and the world seemed a bit brighter again. Then he mumbled soothing reassurances into your hair, kissing you on the forehead.

And like this, you were willing to try. You were willing to try and recover, and create a life that you loved living, with him in it.

a/n: now a note to: @athenawindwolf because I didn't have the courage to say it that night ( we ignore that i'm writing this while you are texting me,still in that night), i'll be your chan friend, and in the context of this fanfic your felix friend, whenever you need me. I hope yk, I never judge anyone, and i've been through a lot too so rlly i would never ever judge or tell anyone if you tell me smth. We said we r the big sisters of our friends now, so that means we r sisters right? Come to me whenever you need to talk. Now this was for u, and I also have to say i'm thankful someone is sharing one of my interests now<3 Ily di angelo.@athenawindwolf (and i hope i didn't make you cry with this fic)

[winchesterwild78]

Second Take pt 3

Master List

Characters: Jensen x Reader, Karl Urban, Eric Kripke, other characters from the set of The Boys

Warnings: Angst, mention of divorce, soft smut (nothing too graphic…yet 😉)

A/N: Jensen and Reader are together and share a vulnerable moment. They decide to keep their relationship a secret for now. Before filming starts, the reader gets ready to fly back to Texas with Jensen. Jensen and Danneel decide to tell the kids. 

This is a work of fiction and does not depict real life. 

Reblogs, comments and likes are appreciated. 

Please don’t take my work and use it as your own or on any other platform. 

Minors DNI 18+

The next few days Jensen and I worked on mending our relationship. We made the decision to keep our relationship private for now. We didn’t want any problems for Danneel, Jensen or the kids, especially the kids. 

Since we hadn’t started filming yet, Jensen was flying back to Texas so he and Danneel could tell the kids about the divorce. I could tell he was nervous. 

I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around his waist, “Babe, it’s going to be okay. I’m sure there will be tears and lots of questions, but with you and D as a united front on this, they will be okay. 

I looked up at him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Come home with me.” I looked up at him with shock in my eyes, “What?” “Come home with me, back to Texas. I’m staying in a hotel and you and I can spend time together. It would mean so much to me to have you there. I’ll get you your own room so it doesn’t raise suspicion. You can visit Moose too. I know he and Gen would love to see you.”

“Can I think about it? I really don’t want to cause problems or make D uncomfortable.” He smirked. “What’s so funny, Ackles?” His lips ghosted mine, “You are. You are the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. You being concerned about D proves my point.” He placed a soft kiss on my lips but pulled away before it got too heavy. 

We decided to wait to have sex. We didn’t put a time frame on it, but we knew we didn’t want to rush it. It was damn near impossible to resist him and he knew it. 

The night before he was leaving Jensen and I were spending a quiet evening at my place. We ordered some food and we were going to hang out and watch a movie. At least that was the plan. 

We ordered the food and were getting comfortable on the couch. When Jensen’s phone rang. It was a FaceTime call from Danneel. 

“Sorry babe, I need to take this.” I nodded and stood up to give him some privacy. 

I walked in the kitchen as he answered, it was JJ. 

“Hey JJ. How are you, baby?” She sniffled, “Daddy are you coming home?” 

“Yes baby, why? I’ll be home tomorrow.” She looked at Jensen and got quiet. “Baby, it’s okay. What happened?” “Uncle Gino came over cause mommy was crying and I heard them talking about you and mommy told Uncle Gino you had a girlfriend and you weren’t coming home.” 

Jensen’s jaw clenched and he ran his fingers through his hair. I stood leaning against the counter in shock. I couldn’t believe she’d do that. 

“Baby I promise I’ll be home tomorrow. We have some things to talk about, but I promise I will be there. Where’s your mama?”

JJ sighed and smiled a little bit at him. “She’s downstairs with Uncle Gino. I took her phone to call you.” “It’s okay baby girl. Can you take the phone to mommy? I want to talk to her.” “Okay, Daddy. I love you.” “I love you too, baby.” 

My heart clenched in my chest. Being with Jensen is so easy and it’s sometimes easy to forget he has children and a life outside our little bubble. 

“Hey Jensen.” I could hear her. “Danneel, I thought we agreed to tell the kids together and before we told anyone else?” 

“We did. I haven’t told the kids anything.” “No, but you told Gino and JJ heard you. You told him I had a girlfriend?! What the hell D?!” 

I couldn’t see them, but I knew Jensen was mad. “Well it’s the truth. You do have a girlfriend.” “D don’t do that. Don’t act like you don’t have a boyfriend yourself. Yeah, I know all about him and how he’s been coming over for a few months after I leave and the kids go to sleep or school.” 

“How did you know?!” “Cameras, D.” 

She gasped, “Jens, I can explain.” 

The doorbell rang and I walked to open the door. As I walked past I saw Jensen hold his hand up, “Stop Danneel. I don’t care about your boyfriend, but you’re not going to turn yourself into the victim here. We are moving forward with the divorce, we are telling our children together and we will coexist peacefully regardless of who we have in our lives. Our children deserve that.”

“I’ll talk to JJ and try to explain what I can. When are you getting in tomorrow?” 

Jensen let out a sigh, “My plane lands about 9 in the morning. I’ll go check into the hotel and head to the house.” 

“Jens, why are you staying in a hotel?” “D I think it would be best if I didn’t stay at the house.” 

“Jensen, don’t be like that. I think you should stay here for the sake of the kids. We’re about to tell them their parents are splitting up. You don’t think that’s going to be hard on them?”

Jensen ran his hand down his face and sighed, “I know it’s going to be hard on them, hell it’s hard on me, I just don’t want them to be confused if I’m still staying at the house.” 

“Jens, stay in the guestroom. They are going to need both of us.” “Fine, I’ll stay at home.”

I gasped softly in the kitchen when I heard him. I was planning on going with him, but now was it worth me going if he was staying with her? 

My heart clenched in my chest and the familiar feeling of jealousy started to creep in my mind. He loves me. He wants to be with me. They are done, but they have a history together. She’s the mother of his children. She’s beautiful.

Tears pricked my eyes. I was worried and didn’t know how to tell him. 

I heard him groan as he stood and I heard his heavy steps coming towards the kitchen. 

I quickly wiped my eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. My back to the door as Jensen came into the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me flush to his chest.

Jensen moved my hair away from my neck and placed a soft kiss to my pulse point. “Hey, sorry about that.” “It’s fine. Is JJ okay?” “Yeah, she heard D telling Gino about the divorce.”

I nodded, “I’m glad she’s okay.” My voice came out smaller than I wanted it to. Jensen picked up on it and turned me to face him. I lowered my head, a lump formed in my throat.

He tilted my chin up, “Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong baby?” I took in a shaky breath and let it out. “I don’t think I’m going to go with you. I’d just be in the way.” 

Jensen’s brows furrowed, “What? No, you wouldn’t be. D and I will tell the kids and then we will figure out what to do from there.” “I heard you, Jensen. You’re staying at the house. If you’re with the kids I don’t want to take time away from them. I know I could go visit Jared and Gen, but I can’t stay there with them all day and all night. You need to focus on your children, not me. I love you Jensen, I can’t keep you from taking care of them. You go and I’ll stay here.” 

Jensen’s face fell. “I understand, but I really want you to be there. I know I’m staying at the house, but I would still come to the hotel and be with you.” I scoffed. The sad and angry feeling in my chest grew. 

Jensen looked at me, “What? Why did you scoff?” Jensen’s eyes searching mine for answers. 

“I don’t think this is a good idea. I feel like a dirty secret. I know we agreed to keep our relationship between us for now, but you were mine first. You should have married me, those children should be mine! Damnit Jensen, she’s taken everything from me and now I can’t even be with you. I have to stay in a hotel room and wait for you to return to me like I’m a cheap whore. I’m worth more than that. I DESERVE more than that. I would never do anything to hurt your children. They didn’t ask to be born and they deserve so much. I just want to feel like I’m worthy of your time and love too.”

The tears I had been holding started to fall heavy and fast. My chest heaving. The anger and hurt from the past 13 years finally boiling over. 

Jensen pulled me tight in his arms and held me. I sobbed into his chest. “Baby you’re not a dirty secret, and you’re right I should be married to you, but I’m not. I made a choice all those years ago, but baby I’m making one now and it’s you. It will always be you. You’re not a cheap whore, you’re the love of my life, my soulmate, my home. I never stopped loving you and I never will. If you don’t want to go home with me I understand. I want you to go, but it’s your choice.” 

He gently wiped the tears away and kissed my forehead. My breath hitched as I held him tighter. 

“Jensen, I think you should go. I need some space. Some time to think and I can’t do that with you here.” A lump formed in my throat and my heart broke. 

Jensen pulled back a little and looked in my eyes. His green eyes filled with hurt and sadness, “Y/N, please don’t push me away. We can figure this out, but only if we do it together.” 

I shook my head, “I know, but I need time Jensen.” He nodded, “I understand. I love you, Y/N. Call me when you’re ready to talk.” He placed a soft kiss on my lips, grabbed his stuff and left. 

I stood in the spot I was in frozen and couldn’t move. The familiar feeling of him leaving all those years again was filling my heart and soul. 

I pulled out my phone, ready to call anyone who would listen when I heard a knock on the door. 

I walked over, opened the door and gasped, “Jensen?!” He stepped in, dropped his bag and pulled me to him, crashing his lips on mine. 

When he pulled away he cupped my face, “I made the mistake of not fighting for you all those years ago and I’m not going to do it again. I love you and you’re in my life for the rest of it. I don’t care who sees us or what anyone has to say about it. I’m going to tell the kids tomorrow with Danneel about the divorce and then I’m coming back to the hotel to be with you. If the kids want to come they can, but I’m not letting you go again. I’m not letting us go again. I love you, Y/N Y/L/N. Now and forever.” 

I stood in stunned silence. The pain I was feeling started to heal a little. He was choosing me, choosing us and damn it felt good. I kissed him softly. “What about Danneel?” “I’ll tell her it’s not a good idea for me to stay there and offer to let the kids come to the hotel if they want to. I don’t want them to be confused about me staying there after we tell them we are splitting up. I’ll look for a place in Texas so the kids can have a place when I come home. Better yet, we should look for a place in Texas. A place for us and the kids. What do you say? Let’s find a place in Texas and move in together.” 

I looked stunned, “Jens, this is all happening so fast. Let’s slow down a bit. You find a place in Texas, and if and when I decide to move it with you I will just move into your place. I can help you find a place if you want.”

He nodded, “Okay, I understand. I just don’t want to waste any more time when it comes to our relationship.” I placed my hands on his chest, “We aren’t wasting time, we are learning how to be together again. As long as we’re together it doesn’t matter if we live under the same roof or not. I think we shouldn’t live together until your divorce is final.” 

Jensen agreed. “Will you at least still come to Texas with me tomorrow?” “Yes, Jensen. I’d love to.”

He smiled, pulled me close and kissed me. The kiss deepened quickly. Before either of us could process what was happening we were laying on the bed making out. 

My heart hammered in my chest, our eyes dark with lust. Jensen’s lips ghosted mine, “Do you want to stop?” I took a deep breath, “No. I’m ready, Jensen.”

Jensen’s hands slowly removed my clothes and then his. Goosebumps erupted on my skin due to the chilly air and the anticipation. 

His lips ghosting over my body and making my breath catch in my throat. “Do you want more, baby?” I moaned and nodded. “Use your words sweetheart.” “Yes, Jensen. Please make love to me. Take me now.” 

Jensen’s body hovered over mine as he finally took me. I grabbed the sheets and gasped as he filled and stretched me with every inch he had to offer. 

I had forgotten how amazing he felt. Our bodies moved in perfect sync and the sounds that filled my bedroom were like silent prayers to heaven. About an hour later Jensen was laying on his back and I was on his chest. His fingers drew delicate patterns on my skin. 

“That was incredible, Y/N. God I missed you.” “Yes it was, Jensen. I missed you too. I’m sorry about earlier. I guess I haven’t really dealt with the pain of the past.” 

“Shh, no, don’t apologize. You have every right to still be angry. I’m glad you were able to get some of that out. I’m sure you’re still holding on to some more. I just hope one day you will be able to get it out.” 

“Honestly the only thing I’m still holding on to is the loss of our baby. When you left I figured if I had our baby at least I’d still have a piece of you, of our love with me. Then I lost the baby and I just felt so alone. I lost the love of my life, and our baby and it hurt so much.” 

His thumb rubbed softly over my cheek, “I am still so sorry you went through that alone. If I knew I would have been by your side. Maybe eventually we could try again. Have a baby of our own, if it’s something you’d want.”

“You’d want another child? You have three already.” “I do, and they are amazing, but I don’t have any with you and I’d love to have at least one with you.” 

I smiled softly, “We can talk about it. Just not right now. We need to sleep. We have an early flight. I love you, Jensen. Good night.” 

“I love you too, Y/N. Good night.” 

He kissed my lips and the two of us relaxed against each other and drifted off to sleep. 

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[menlove]

random beatles lore i need an answer on. what’s the deal with paul proposing to multiple people before getting married to linda ? i thought he was just with jane up until linda like was he just desperate to have a spouse in that era or what

oh goooood question. we don't know exactly why he did all that bc he's never talked about it but i'll give u some details & my own two Potential Reasons

he proposed to three people Seriously: jane, maggie mcgivern, & linda. he also "jokingly" proposed to cyn and a female reporter? (or something along those lines i can't find the exact thing rn, if anyone has that one. i know i reblogged it at some point). cyn, he jokingly proposed to after john left her- brought her a single rose and said "how about it, cyn?"

but maggie and linda.... he wasn't with jane the entire way up to getting with linda. officially, anyway, bc if there's one thing paul loves to do it's cheat. one of the women he was having an affair with was maggie mcgivern. they had a 3 year long affair starting in '66. paul & jane broke up in july of '68 and in september, paul took maggie on a surprise trip to sardinia, where...

“We were lying on the beach just being young and in love. Paul turned to me, smiling, and out of the blue he just said: ‘Have you ever thought about getting married?’. I said, ‘yes, I suppose, one day…’ and I thought nothing more of it. Looking back, it was obviously the wrong answer. When I said one day I I meant in six months, maybe, but not never. But Paul was always slightly insecure and probably saw me as such a free spirit that he thought I was never going to settle down… I suppose I assumed that we would end up together but at the time I was just enjoying it all. In the ‘Sixties there was just so much going on that I didn’t have time to sit and think about the future. I suppose that, with the pressures of fame, Paul was craving security.”

maggie mcgivern, 1997 (x)

now, with linda... they started their affair a bit Before him and jane broke up. like i said, they broke up in july. but paul & linda had a "dirty weekend" in late june when he flew to nyc & then la. here's a longer post about all of that. so by the time he was proposing to maggie, he'd already had an affair with linda.

iiiinterestingly, he called linda & asked her to fly out to london in september (from paul mccartney: a life by peter carlin) and that's when their relationship became serious. so he got rejected by maggie (or he thought he did) and immediately went "ah right, who else could i possibly see myself settling down and having kids with? linda!" he still saw maggie for a while but eventually they stopped going out as he went all in with linda & wound up proposing to and marrying her.

as to Why The Hell Did He Do All That? well i have 2 thoughts on that

for both of them, though, i think it was really kicked into gear by john and yoko's relationship. like whether or not he had romantic feelings for john, i think he saw just how serious john was about yoko in comparison to cyn. and ringo & george were also married. when he talks about john & yoko, he frequently talks about it as the end of their bachelor days even though john wasn't a bachelor lmfao. but i think it kicked his ass into going oh shit i need to settle down and marry a woman too.

my Two Thoughts: a) the one i personally believe bc i think that man is queer as the day is long. but i think he realized that he needed to settle down and have that heterosexual lifestyle. he was the last unmarried beatle. there's this fun lil homophobic comment that reveals SO much about where paul's head was at imo:

-from "apple scruffs come to dinner" by andrew bailey (x)

interestingly, that's also the night they had a huge argument and he went to maggie's house crying (more about that in that source for maggie's quote up there). not sure if this was before or after the 26 year old queer comment, but i'm guessing after.

it's like a pretty Common refrain in history for queerness to be viewed as a sort of childish thing. like it's okay when you're young, not so much when you're older. i think with jane leaving & john getting swallowed up by another all-consuming, co-dependent partnership that Wasn't with paul, he realized he had to "grow up" so to speak. john had Grown Up and away from whatever fucky thing him and paul had going on and bc he always had to mirror john, he had to Grow Up too. which brings me to....

b) the other (boring) option is what follows if he's just your normal cishet dude and his 26 year old queer never to get married comment was Purely just him being a dick (totally possible lmfao, i just Personally think it still says a lot about him even if he didn't mean for it to). but it's still the same sort of motivation- the rest of his bandmates were married, john was moving on, the band was in chaos. he would've wanted to settle down and have children as is the heterosexual Norm and even straight people face pressure to do that in a certain amount of time. i really think the Franticness of it and the quick turn around with linda speaks more to a deeper underlying motivation, like being queer and the guy you're in love with has Grown Up, but it could just be a paul neuroses thing too.

tl;dr: man was juggling a bunch of affairs & decided he had to settle down and have a wife and kids Right That Second. jane dumped him and maggie said no, so he called linda and the rest is history. whether it's bc he was queer and panicking as he realized he was too old to be queer (my personal thought) or bc he was a straight man still under the societal pressure to have a wife and kid, we'll Never Know.

[cherryvinyl-777]

I Like Me Better When I’m With You

Part 1

Ellie Williams x Reader

Summary: To get back at her ex girlfriend, your enemy Ellie Williams proposes an offer to you.

Warnings: none, enjoy! xo

Based on the book/move series To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

“Come on, you’re my only option!”

God, how did you end up here? Sitting outside your university with Ellie Williams, the girl you’ve hated since primary school. No, that wasn’t a joke. As if ending up at the same high school in your small town wasn’t bad enough, you had both got accepted into the same damn university.

You stare at the tall auburn haired girl incredulously. “You have to be kidding.”

She sighs frustratedly as if she wasn’t the one asking you to pretend to be her date.

“I’m dead serious, okay? I just…I need something to make my ex jealous, and you’re perfect,” Ellie states, tapping the wooden table with her pointer finger.

You rub your temple, looking around the courtyard if only to reconnect with reality for a second. Ellie notices your hesitation and tries for a grin.

“You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it before,” She smirks, her foot now tapping on the pavement of the courtyard.

The thought practically makes you gag as you say, “As a matter of fact, I really haven’t. And anyways, what would I even get out of this little…scam?”

Ellie seems to ponder for a moment before she comes up with her answer, “Free rides to school. I’ve seen your driving, and uh…yeah,” She chuckles, glancing at you, “and…you’d even get invited to parties.”

You shoot her a glare, rolling your eyes a little too aggressively, “You’re all the same. Maybe I don’t want to get invited to parties, ever think of that?” You scoff.

Ellie gives you an apprehensive look and you just throw a fry at her face, making her laugh and proceed to eat the fry off the table.

“I’m gonna need an answer, L/N” Ellie urges, her hands interlocked together.

With a long sigh, you finally nod, causing Ellie to pump her fist.

“First rule, never do that again,” You state, pulling out a pencil and paper. Ellie stares at you, looking dumbfounded.

“You’re serious? You’re making rules?” She lets out an exaggerated sigh, holding her head in her hands.

You start writing the title of the list, “Fake Dating Rules”, causing Ellie to groan. You ignore her efforts to derail you and start listing.

“Okay…number one, no fist pumps,” You scribble down.

Ellie scoffs lightly at that, but stays silent after to watch you write.

“Rule two, absolutely no kissing,” You say matter of factly, barely even considering the fact that nobody would believe you were in a relationship with Ellie if you didn’t kiss her.

“What? Very funny, give me that,” Ellie snatches the paper from you, writing a rule of her own.

“Limit to…3 rules per person,” She scribbles down in the most god awful handwriting you’d ever seen in your life.

You can’t help but grin a little, “You just wasted one of yours.”

“Damn it,” Ellie whispers, causing you to roll your eyes.

After a half hour of bickering over what should be on the rule list and what could be left out, you had finally come to an agreement.

FAKE DATING RULES:

1. No fist pumps

2. No kissing

3. Limit to three rules per person

4. If fake relationship goes on longer than anticipated, must go on ski trip together

5. Ellie must watch ‘But I’m A Cheerleader’ with me

6. Y/N must watch ‘Love Lies Bleeding’ with me

You both take a moment to admire the completed list before Ellie interrupted.

“I think we should add one more rule,” She states, looking at you seriously.

You lean in a little, curious to see what this ‘final rule’ would be.

“You can’t fall in love with me, L/N.”

That earns her another french fry to the face before you look at her seriously as well, mocking her expression.

“That’s not gonna be a problem,” You counter, eating one of your french fries. Ellie just grins idiotically.

“We’ll see.”

an: had the best time writing this, felt so excited to get started on a fic like this after finishing s2 of xo kitty. based on the poll results, it looked like you guys wanted something like this, so i hope it’s what you had in mind! lots of kisses and ty for reading! <3

[jian-06xi]

Kenma Kozume Headcannons

By jian, because i have too much time on my hands. Also... projecting a bit.

☆ General

He's not that great at math, but can easily calculate the CRIT RATE/DMG on his gear.

Observes people from a distance, then tries to analyze their behavior for fun. If he's REALLY bored, he'll get all in on the typology shit

Bites his nails

"Wtf is a skincare routine??"

Tries not to trash talk anyone in matches, but he has to genuinely hold in his inner demons

Barely drinks water, chugs a lot after practice and then instantly regrets it because now he has to use the bathroom.

Speaking of which, he HATES public bathrooms. Piss anxiety gets the better of us and urinals aren't private enough.

Fucking loves green apple candy

Faked asthma to get out of P.E. in junior high.

Was obsessed with feudal japan because he got REALLY interested in a game that had that setting.

Laughs at his own jokes that he made up in his head. Everyone thinks he's crazy because he looks like he's laughing to himself like a maniac

I feel like he had an obscure fictional crush in a video game. He doesn't care what gender they are.

♤ Platonic

Unfortunately I must bring back the bathroom topic because I feel like he'd openly tell you "I need to fucking piss" if you guys are close. He no longer has shame.

He tried to guess your address and actually got it pretty close. LIKE SCARILY CLOSE.

Kind of chill with you and Kuroo.

He lets you sleep over, but he never gets to have his own bed. He sleeps on the couch.

Likes to just be alone one on one.

Spams invites to play video games.

He doesn't really like public hand-holding

He lets you touch his shoulders, back, and arms, but NO FACE OR LEG TOUCHING. yall are not CLOSE enough

Giggles the fuck out of dick jokes that you make because no one is immune to phallic humor

You guys kick each other under the table. Usually, Kuroo does it, but Kuroo rubs off on him a bit.

Fictional crush tierlist. You both argue who's the best.

♡ Romantic

Your guy's first date is literally at his house. You guys play games and shit

He doesn't get attracted to just anyone. It's usually people who are his friends or that he's close with.

Doesn't care what you look like, as long as you are healthy and not a bitch

He is the little spoon. He's too busy playing on his PSP to be big spoon

When it's dark out, he geeks out about constellations and random facts he picked up.

He's low maintenance, but he might come off as cold. In reality, he's just nervous

Relationship is really just an extremely flirty and intimate version of your friendship

You have never seen him cry until you guys got in a relationship. He's now comfortable with crying in front of you but still questions himself about why he is crying.

Hates to see you cry, and is often confused on how to handle it. He attempts to comfort you

You guys don't fight often because he just shrugs off whatever your debatable statement is. The only fights/lectures you get into is just telling him to communicate a bit more because it gets hard to tell what he wants. Although, this is more than all he could ever want. He's satisfied.

All dates are either at the movies or at home.

Likes the smell of your body wash. He buries his face in you (in private of course) and just ... basks in the scent.

You guys don't do the passionate French kisses or whatever, but instead you guys do sniff kisses or just pecks on the cheek.

He can't pull anyone else, so don't worry about him cheating on you. He has no interest in anyone else anyway.

[foxbinnstuff]

back with my crackship bullshit so soon holy crap! Anyways heres a ToriSaiKai ramble cuz my brains so dead

THIS MOSTLY GOES INTO TORIKAI AND THEIR FUNNY LITTLE DYNAMIC BE WARNED THIS IS LONG AND MIGHT BE OUT OF CHARACTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To me, ToriSaiKai doesn’t work that well as a full on relationship, it’d be so fucked 😭 its more of a “imagine them crushing on each other/imagine how messy it’d be if they dated for a couple months” so kinda like more like a crazy fling than anything

Toritsuka would probably find himself crushing on Saiki first cuz he can legit transform into a girl and all that, but thats been done 100 times so you get the jist :3 Tori’s brain works in a sort of “if I’m getting something from you, I’ll stay around” way so he’s being clingy to Saiki and doing extra favors for him and all that stuff because he just wants Saiki to date him at least once as Kusuko, which is far from a promise, so why is he clinging around Saiki and doing extra things for him if it doesn’t get him Kusuko in return? (he’s gay for Saiki and doesn’t realize yet) So he continues flattering Saiki and all that woth the excuse of Saiki’s shapeshifting. Why not just any other girl? Because Kusuko is canonically really really attractive and I don’t think the perv would let go of that for weeks to even months. But where does Kaido come in? Well, Kaido’s always kinda hanging around Nendo, Saiki and Kuboyasu with a huge emphasis on Saiki and Kuboyasu since he looks up to them so much, and heck you could even say “fuck it” and add Kubo into the poly crackship lol anyway, so in one way or another Kaido realizes he has more than just friendly feelings for Saiki but is in super denial! He starts feeling jealous over Tori doing all these favors and even flirting with Saiki, so Kaido’s like being protective and stuff in his own little ways going “Saiki, Toritsukas apart of the dark reunion! We need to release our powers on him!” very loudly and Saiki rolls his eyes, silently agreeing with Kaido and playing into it a little in his mind cuz yeah, maybe he should ‘release his powers’ on that perv. So Tori’s very aware of Kaido’s jokes but I do think that theres a misunderstanding and Tori thinks Kaido ACTUALLY has superhuman powers like Saiki, cuz Saiki has showed that he enjoys Kaido and see’s him as at least a friend more than a few times which is so rare for Saiki when they don’t know he’s a psychic. Tori is sort of confused and shocked when he makes that connection cuz Kaido’s so weak and small, but it kind of makes sense since his spirit guardian was a out of the ordinary chihuahua! Tori starts making thinly veiled threats back about his spirit medium power, saying stuff like how he’s gonna get a world star wrestler to possess him so they can fight it out like real men! Kaido really seriously thinks Tori’s part of Dark Reunion and Tori thinks Kaido knows about how Saiki’s a psychic and therefore knows about shapeshifting, wanting Kusuko all to himself like he does. I think it’d be really really funny if Tori knew about Kaido being gay first on accident 😭😭😭😭😭 a cocky Toritsuka going “I have no need to worry, I have waay more experience than you anyways” and a flushing Kaido going “Huh?! Who said I ever wanted him like that?!”

a bit of confusion all around! Its sort of hard for Saiki to decipher cuz all the misunderstandings but he eventually does, and he actually gets amusement out of it, not stopping it because that at first.

The 2 of them go head to head, Kaido not wanting his trusted ally and greatest friend to join Dark Reunion and Tori wanting a chance with Kusuko instead. They flatter him and pamper him and such and he actually doesn’t mind being bought extra sweets and such, he just has to put up with Tori’s overly flirtatious and suggestive comments from time to time and Kaido’s try’s at expressing his love for Saiki and how much he means to him, just so he doesn’t join Dark Reunion. Saiki can see that this is sort of ruining them at first because they both hate each other so much but then they start popping up in each others heads again and again I think it starts off as a sort of “maybe I should trick Kaido with this to make him look bad in front of Saiki!” and a “Whats Toritsuka doing over by Saiki?! He’s probably got something evil up his sleeve that’ll make Saiki succumb to the Dark Reunion! What if he puts something in his food! Poison? Something worse?!” But they get less situational and more sudden, Tori see’s something light blue and thinks “I hate that dumb chihuahua!” Kaido see’s something to do with ghosts and goes “that stupid Dark Reunion ghost perv!” They don’t even need to see each other much and they’re popping up in each other’s thoughts 10 times a day! That got a little worrying to Saiki, especially when they start having frustrated rambly thoughts about each other that felt like they never stopped.

“he pisses me off so bad! Flaunting his power around everywhere but not using it in front of anyone, such a cheap ploy just for chicks probably! Not to mention his cute act, how he probably uses makeup just to appear cuter and less threatening! That dark reunion crap is so annoying, every word out of that guys mouth carefully articulated to sound insane! He probably thinks he’s so good, that damn goody twoshoes! He drives me insane!”

“does he really think he’s so slick?! What did he even join Dark Reunion for?! To be a pervert to all the reunions women?! I should of known they’d have those kind of disgusting people, is he even a person?! His devilishly good looks, those can’t possibly be real or human! He’s some kind of undead or something! How dare he come back from his grave to haunt the JetBlackWings?! What a sick pervert!”

The thoughts lead up more and more, so does the flattery and the head to head battles. Tori pushes Kaido and Kaido punches Tori, Tori rolls his eyes and Kaido goes into a fit of yelling. Their thoughts about each other slip out but the only thing they can understand are the accidental compliments, catching them both very off gaurd.

They sort of want to understand each other and why they’re doing this after a while, Tori asking stuff like “whats your deal?! We can just take turns!” and Kaido yelling “Why did you even join Dark Reunion, to haunt him!?”

They don’t really get anywhere except they know more and more that this is all for Saiki but they want it to stop, but they really don’t want it to stop at the same time. Their little fights and nonsensical arguments replay over and over in their heads, keeping them up at night, trying understand what the other was saying, trying to understand what’s happening to their brains and why its always either each other or Saiki.

what I like about it is the huge fucking mess they have to get out of, cuz lets be real, Kaido and Tori are like COMPLETE opposites

[shannonsketches]

Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,

Anime:

GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)

VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!

Manga:

GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.

[possamble]

What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.

so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.

Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:

She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent

Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married

She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came

She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays

She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home

Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)

She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words

the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.

She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)

Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues

She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)

She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).

She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)

She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.

She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food

(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:

She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it

seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)

slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)

(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))

However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.

Subsequent conclusions about her personality:

Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).

Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:

Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.

Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?

Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:

It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:

Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.

We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.

It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.

It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.

"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).

And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?

Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?

I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:

copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.

It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.

But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.

What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."

Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.

All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)

There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.

but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.

(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)

[jrueships]

r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,

or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs

[pynkhues]

I'm really sorry you and your sister are dealing with that

(no pressure to publish this, not that there should ever be pressure to publish an ask if you don't want to, of course, but just wanted to say I hope you're doing okay)

Ah, thank you, anon, it's okay. It's been a while now (court moves slooow), but we're getting hopefully close to the end. She filed in Family Court December 2022, and we've had about five interim hearings with final trial (finally) scheduled over four days next month, so fingers crossed! But yeah, it's been A Time. He's financially and emotionally abusive against my sister, and both those things as well as medically negligent against their children (who are only six and eight and both have special needs), so it's been....rough. To say the least.

But on a lighter note, have one of my new favourite photos I took of my nephews at the jellyfish enclosure at the aquarium last month!

[princessmyriad]

.

[the-lark-ascending69]

Lumity is very cute but it seems like the kind of ship that would have a fandom so toxic it'd make you dislike the ship in time and I think that's sad.

[deus-ex-mona]

ok yk what. now that i’ve had some time to process nghy canon, considering the current pacing of gen retcon, i think their next step is as ✨clear as day✨

i really like seeing them happy together, but i truly do think that they should divorce and either live the rest of their lives as single besties; partners in hero/heroine-isms, but better off as just friends, or go their separate ways for a bit and get back together when they’re a little older and wiser, staying together for good this time around, as each other’s first and last boyfriend/girlfriend