#like hmmm i feel like i could do this so well
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Billyâs College Adventure Part 2
Samuel:
âOh fuck!!!â
I scream out as Billyâs body pours out cum all over his slim chest. I stare down at cute dick I know have possession over.
Thatâs when the doorbell starts ringing. Well heâs quicker than I thought. I better get his body cleaned up. I quickly wipe off Billyâs chest and grab his shirt.
The doorbell rings over and over again.
âIâm coming! Just hold on a sec!â
I look through the peephole and my body waiting outside for me to open the door.
âWho is it?,â I say just to mess with him.
âYOU KNOW WHO IT IS!â
âHmmm⊠well I wasnât expecting company. Not sure who you could be. Have we met before?â
âDude! Iâm in your body, youâre in mine. Can we just cut to the point and you let me in!â
âWhatâs the secret password?â
âPurple! Now let me in!â
âNo⊠the password isnât a âword.â Itâs a gestureâŠâ
âHey itâs me! In your body, whatâs up? Is this good enough?â
I bust out laughing, I thought he was going to flick me off.
I open up the door and Billy comes storming in.
âYou know! Itâs one thing for you to highjack my body! But itâs another for you to LITERALLY LOCK ME OUT,â says Billy whoâs now in my (our I should say his) face.
âOof! You got a spicy side! I like it!,â I say back with a big grin.
âAre got to be kidding me! You know what, Iâll fix this.â
I watch as Billy tries his hardest to switch us back. He tries for about a minute before giving up.
âFuck! Why canât I switch us back?â
âOh Billy, you really donât know the first thing about your powers do you? Youâre a swapper. A swapper canât un-swap somebody whoâs also a swapper. Now you can swap others that Iâve swapped but you canât swap us. Only I can now.â
I watch as Billy paced around the room struggling with the fact that Iâm in control here.
âSo I have a few questions,â he says to me.
âSure!â
âFirst off, who the hell are you?!?â
âWell currently Iâm you. But normally Iâm Samuel, Sam for short.â
âGreat. So you obviously are aââ
âSwapper.â
âYes, youâre a swapper. Like me which I didnât even know others existed outside of me.â
âWell other swappers are a little more quiet about their abilities. You just have yourself away earlier today.â
âI know, I figured that out pretty quick. This feels weird, normally itâs me hitting someone with the body swap surprise. Wait a minute, why did you swap that guy and that professor?â
âGreat question! That Dufus really pissed me off. And I donât really care for that professor so freaking him out too was just an added bonus.â
I watch as he tries his hardest to get a good read on me. Itâs so refreshing to even talk about this someone whoâs not my family. Granted the only other swapper in my family was my great uncle. He was kind enough to leave me a rule book.
âSo you just did that to be petty?â
âWell yeah I guess, sounds terrible when you put it that way. But trust me that guy had it coming.â
âThat seems pretty immature of you.â
âOh so youâve never just swapped with someone for the hell of it?â
âThatâs not what Iâm saying⊠I mean of course I have but itâs been years!â
âGeez Billy, didnât know you set the roles for the swapper community.â
âShut up, I didnât mean it like that. Iâm just saying you really freaked those two out. Maybe like a simple prank could have worked.â
âBilly, I donât think you understand how different the two of us are from the rest of the world. Most swapper do way worse thingsâ sides I would have eventually swapped them back.â
Billy gets quiet for a second. I watch as he flops down on his couch. ïżŒ
âSo now that you kidnapped my body, whatâs your plan here?,â says Billy.
âFinally! That was the question Iâve been waiting on. So Iâll be honest with you. Iâve personally never met another swapper outside of a family member who I really didnât get to know. But he did leave me with a lot about our powers. And I want to start really using mine. But the kind of stuff I want to do is hard to do alone. So I guess in the nicest way I can say this⊠Iâll give you your body back as long as you join me in my exploration. Thoughts?â
âUmmm⊠is this going to be dangerous or potentially hurt someone?â
âAhhhh no, at least not directly.â
âWhat do you mean by not directly?â
âWell I guess you can either find out and get your body back or just stay as me until I decide to swap us back. Which could be a very long time⊠years maybe.â
âUgh fine! Iâll do whatever.â
âCool!â
2 Hours LaterâŠ
Billy and I crashed out on his couch. It took him a bit to speak to me but once he got going he had so many questions about me. I let him ask me about my life, my family, etc. and he eventually started to open up about himself as well.
âSo let me get this straight? You forced your babysitter to swap bodies with you like every time he came over??,â I ask him.
âOh yeah! Honestly, I feel a little bad about it now because heâs so nice. Literally has no hard feelings. I was just a nightmare growing up. I could never stay in my body when I was young and trust me my dads tried hard! I even ran away a couple of times with his body. They of course found me every time. It sounds terrible but I really enjoyed being him.â
âThatâs funny, I used to get really annoyed easy at family functions. I was a very emotional teen and my dadâs brother was a bit of a prick. Always thought he was jealous since he didnât get the swapper trait and I did. I would literally swap everyone around just to piss all of them off. Iâd even make sure everyone swapped with someone who I knew they would hate to be⊠oh this one time. I swapped my uncle and our dog for like a week. I got into sooo much trouble but it was so worth it.â
âOh god not the dog!!â
âYep! Even took my dog to the park. It was hilarious!â
We went back and forth on our swap stories for hours. I door dashed us a bunch of food (on Billyâs card of course, I knew he would be cool with it the second I heard his parents are loaded lol).
âSo do you have like any booze here?,â I asked him.
âOh yeah! Want a glass of wine?â
âSure!â
âAny preferences?â
âI mean I have your pallet so whatever you like lol.â
âTrueee, I guess I should asked for me haha.â
âWell I prefer red wines.â
âGross!â
âYouâre gonna like it I promise.â
We both crack open two bottles of wine and turn on a movie in the background. After a couple of glasses I started to feel a little frisky and maybe a little too open
âSo I have a confession to make,â I say to him.
âOh god, what is it?â
âItâs nothing bad! Oh god, I canât believe Iâm saying this.â
âSit it out Sam!â
âWell before you got here, I um⊠I may have enjoyed your equipment.â
Billy sits up and for a second I thought he was going to be mad at me.
âSam did you jerk off in my body?â
âWell⊠yeah.â
âAre you kidding? I havenât even explored your body, especially since I just rushed over here. And you explore all of mine huh?â
âYeah I donât know, itâs been a minute since Iâve swapped with a cute guy. I may have just lost control.â
âOhhhh so you think Iâm cute?â he gives me a cheeky grin.
âUgh, donât get too excited.â
âWell, I think itâs only fair for me to have my turn,â he says with a bigger more cynical grin.
âWhat?!?â
âYou heard me! Iâm forced to be you so itâs only fair for me to have my fun too!â
âFine!,â I say back. I feel a rush hit me. Iâve never been around a guy thatâs in my body talking about using my body that way. Itâs kinda hot.
âSo what youâre gonna go to your room or do it right here?,â I say to him sarcastically.
He takes a big swig from the bottle of wine and pulls my shirt off.
âYou wanna come watch the show?,â he says winking at me.
Before I can answer Billy grabs my hand and pulls me up. I follow him to his bedroom.
Billy pulls down my sweatpants and hops onto his bed.
âWhat do you think? Do you look⊠sexy?â
I roll my eyes at him.
âOkay⊠here is the big reveal!,â he says to me slowly lowering my underwear.
â1..2..3âŠâ
Billy pulls my underwear down and my dick flies out. Itâs completely hard.
âNice!! 10 out 10 dick right here,â he says holding my dick.
âYou gonnaâŠâ
âSlow down cowboy! Itâs my turn to explore.â
I watch Billy gently fondle my goods. I can feel his dick pulsatingâ I can barely hide the fact that Iâm just as turned on.
âSo Sam, now itâs my turn to give you two options. You can hop into bed with me and we can full around or you can stand right in that exact spot with my hard on all night. Which one will it be?â
âBed.â
âGood, now get over here!â
Billy nearly rips the clothes off of his body.
âIs it weird that I want to kiss you right now,â he says to me.
âNah, just a little self love,â I say back.
We start making out and heâs such a great kisser. I feel him reach down and he starts fondling his dick.
âYouâre so sexy,â I say to him.
He kiss my neck and says, âyour body or me?â
âYour presence, your body. But you all around.â
âSo are you, even though youâre a bit of a dick.â
âWhat turns you on the most Billy?,â I ask him.
He lifts up his head, âyou really want to know?â
âYeah I do.â
âFeet.â
Somehow, someway, I got even harder from the words that came out of his mouth.
âIs that weird?â
âFuck no because thatâs what turns me on too.â
âAre you kidding?â
âNope! Your feet are so sexyâŠ,â I say to him.
He looks at mine and grins.
âYou have cute feet too.â
âWould it be weird if weâŠ,â I say gesturing to his toes.
âNope!â
I use Billys feet and wrap them around my dick. I start stroking back and forth. He lets out grunts in between.
I maneuver back and forth using his toes to grip.
âDonât stop Sam! Fuckkkk,â he yells out.
I go faster and fasterâŠ
Billy is moaning sooo loudâŠ
And then he screams out, âIM CUMMING!!!â
Cum squirts out on to his feet covering them.
He grabs his foot and does something so hot. I watch as he licks foot clean with my mouth.
âShit⊠that was amazingâŠâ
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i wanted to rant about simon.
what do you think so far like what are your actual headcanons for the canon simon vs this simon from this series?
my feelings about the actual simon is quite vague. i've read far more fanfictions than bothering with the actual material so my picture of his is not really...constant? idk
but with this simon, he scares me. just to think about people that can engage in such romantic and sensual acts with little to no feeling involved.
or the mc's father. her dad makes me feel such an anger and injustice that i don't know how to express it and i know we probably won't get a satisfying update on him.
you don't like your wife fine i could understand the distance between them, but how can somebody forget their child no matter if they share the same blood or not, after all the time he raised her
leaving all that behind just to start a whole new life. how can that not eat somebody alive
OHH this is actually a good question. honestly for me, simon is probably one of the hardest character to write about because he doesn't give away too much. too calm. too know-it-all.
we're just gonna talk about the romance aspects!
but based on my head-canon of the canon simon, he has those younger years where he avoids romance, but not this actively and aggressively. it's more because he has too much on his plate (anger management issues, PTSD, depression) than because he think he's not good enough for some happiness (but he also doesn't expect/hope for it.)
canon younger (probably 6-7 years after he killed Roba) Simon lives his life without the need for things to turn out in certain ways. as he gets older (yes, the 2022/2023 ghost) and better mentally, he's become a little more open to the idea, though.
he's still not actively seeking romance, settling on one-nightstands and things that don't require any strings attached. however, he's not completely closed off to the idea too. if he has someone he likes AND TRUST (this is already a high wall to get over), he might act on it. but again, not really actively pursuing it and knows he doesn't need it.
and this might come as a surprise, but he's actually the biggest flirt out thereâwell, at least when it's only the two of you. when in front of his taskforce, he goes back to acting like he's the calm, collected, cool, stoic, scary lieutenant that everyone knows. can't have you ruin his reputation, right?
"it's private but not secret," with him. though it's not loud PDA, sometimes he lets his hands linger in places like your waist, your hips, shoulders. his love language is act of service, gift giving, physical touchâhe makes sure to always appreciate you with compliments and love affirmations, but he's never really a man who's big on words.
WHILE THIS SIMON, hmmm.. he's a bit more complicated. and a mess. at some point, you can think of him as the younger version of canon simon we just talked about to simplify it, but even that's not really accurate considering the different ways they handle "all that sappy stuff" (as simon would say). this one actively and AGGRESIVELY avoids romance.
and while they both (my ver. of canon simon and this simon) sort to flings and one-nightstands, the canon simon is more careful and actually follows the boundaries he draws himself. while this simon outlines the boundaries, follows his rules until an interesting bird enters his orbit, violates them, and destroys them himself before he goes around saying "you read that wrong, darling."
NOW, ABOUT THE FATHER. . .
RIGHT! in my opinion, it's better for them to get a divorce actually and Dad still plays a role in MC's life rather than just leaving her. like, i know it'll still hurt the MC but, at least she can still have both of her parents even though in different houses! at least she doesn't have to feel neglected in her childhood.
okay, you hate someone you thought you would love forever, but abandoning your child? whose very existence was created because of you? talk about the Dad will come up in the sequel. hell, he'll even make an appearance with his two ballet loving new daughters. imagine how MC will feel.
sadly, this happens a lot in real life. fathers leaving and starting a new life without thinking about his "old" family. how people shame single mothers but never the absent fathers. people shame many women who have "daddy issues" or call them "fatherless" yet never call out men's incapability of being a real, PRESENT father.
#đ â a man's heart is truly a wretched wretched thing#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley angst#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost riley x oc#simon ghost riley#simon ghost riley fanfiction#simon ghost riley fanfic#simon ghost riley fluff#simon riley x fem reader#simon riley x female reader#female reader#simon riley x you#simon ghost riley x you#simon riley angst#simon riley fluff#cod men x reader#cod men x you#reader insert#cod reader insert#cod fic#cod fanfiction#call of duty#call of duty fanfiction#call of duty ghost#ghost x reader#ghost x you#ghost x y/n#simon riley x y/n#simon ghost riley x y/n
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I was thinking about your last few asks that mentioned Maki and Mai(How Naoya isnât that close with them and how they always get Y/N to get stuff for them). I was thinking what if there was a time where Y/N was like âI want to go to Disneylandâ or something and Naoya Ofc is like âAnything for my queenâ only to realize that Y/N was setting it up as trip for Mai and Maki to attend as well(How she convinced Junko to let them go Idk đ the only way I could see it happening is if it was like a bday present for them and Junko was feeling a little bad for them considering most of the clan wouldnât even acknowledge the day for them). I can imagine Naoya going along with it since he already agreed to do this for Y/N but just kinda stewing in his feelings about how his date with Y/N turned into babysitting his cousins at a theme park. I can see him maybe loosening up a little seeing how happy Y/N is to do this for them(depending on when this takes place, maybe it makes Naoya think about how Y/N would be with their own children in the future, although Y/N and the twins I believe was mentioned to have a more older sister younger sisters vibe but let me dream for a moment lol).
This also kinda gives me the idea of what it would be like if Naoya and Y/N had to babysit a kid for like a day or so and gives them a glimpse of what having a child together would be like before theyâve had kids. Idk who that random kid would be tho lol. Maybe even HS au where Y/N and Naoya get paired to take care of one of those fake babies XD
Sorry I got off on a tangent, Iâm obsessed and Naoya and Y/N so I think about a lot of situations they can get into. You donât have to write any of they donât strike your fancy Ofc but I still wanted to share. Sorry for rambling >.<
Hello!!
How y'all manage to hit the nail on the head with certain scenarios has me baffled, and so happy hahahaha I'm so in love with this idea; just anything Disney makes me all giddy inside, I really do love imagining scenarios where Y/N is going to the park with Naoya as a couple, or when they go with their kids and such... just those little things with their family đ„ș ajhgajghjas ugh, it warms my heart.
The taking care of a kid together reminds me of those typical school assignments where you have to take care of an egg???? Or maybe that was just me, but I'm sure you know what I mean XD so imma write something of the topic set on a hs au :)
For now, let's enjoy Naoya's plans being foiled when he takes you to Disney... but you decide to bring along Mai and Maki lol.
warnings: fluff. it says tokyo disneyland but it's based on my experience which is the california park :') i'm sorry. naoya get's all sensitive at the thought of you.
Happy reading!!
Naoya was all too aware of one of your biggest dreams, itâs been so for as long as he can remember, as well as the reason behind all his recent efforts: to take you to Disneyland on your birthday.
He wants to take you to all of them eventually, of course; in due time there will not be a park that you hadnât enjoyedïżœïżœhowever, before he takes it to the next level, he rightfully assumed Tokyo was a nice spot to start.
âY/N, are you going to do anything for your birthday?â Naoya asks, as smoothly as he couldâattempting to hide the excitement this whole ordeal brought him. Itâs essentially a date!
âHmmm, I donât know. Iâll probably just go out to eat, why?â
âClear up your schedule, weâre going to Disneyland.â
âOh my God, are you being serious right now?!â you gasp, his heart skipping a bit at the way your eyes twinkled, itâs just the kind of admiration that makes his ego grow biggerâmore so if it comes from you. âNaoya, that isâthank you so much!â
However, his satisfaction wouldnât last long the moment you prompted the question of being allowed to bring someone else. At first, he thought it would be one of your pestering friends, which he was okay with to some degree, it was your birthday after all and there was nothing else that he wanted more than to make you happyâŠ
But when he learned you planned to invite his cousins, all he could think was âreally?â
Of all people⊠his annoying 8-year-old cousins.
âAre you excited to go to Disney for the first time in your lives?!â You tried to hype Mai and Maki along as Naoya dejectedly drove towards the destination, keeping himself entertained with a much different scenario in his mind. Anything to ignore his current predicament.
âYes!â They cried back with a wide smile on their faces, as expected.
âWhat is Disneyland like?â Maki asks. âWhat is there??â
âItâs better if I donât spoil you, just wait and see!â
Though there isnât much spoiling left to be done, Naoya considers, given how his date with you is effectively overridden by their presence, demanding that your attention be solely placed on himâthe only consideration he seems to be given is when being asked how many were in your party, and sitting arrangements once in the rides.
It made his efforts undeniably futile, and was very near to giving up entirely whatever he had planned for the dayâŠ
Until a certain sight proves him wrong.
Naoya couldnât care less about his irritating cousins, and while not justified, they hadnât been the easiest to get along with either âthereâs not a moment they donât take to mock him, surely at one point that ought to irritate anyoneâ however, to see you fret about their safety, their appearance as you thread back locks of their hair back in place, even wonder what theyâd like to eat as while gently holding onto their hands as the two walked across the parkâŠ
Something about it makes his heart warm up; must be the comparison to your surroundings, how it made you blend in with the other families and make it seem as if they were your kids.
His children.
He becomes a bit more willing after that just to entertain that sweet thought a bit longer, obliging to buy all the things you wanted, even if they were to end on Mai and Makiâs hands at the end. In fact, Naoyaâs energy was redirected in keeping you and his cousins rightfully satisfied, when he once scowled at the faintest semblance of a request from their part, he was now suggesting experiences the three might find enjoyable.
âIf we go now, we might be able to find good spots.â Naoya says in reference to the upcoming parade. âOr I can go ahead while you look around or go on another ride.â
âAre you sure, Naoya? I wouldnât like you to feel left outâŠâ you murmur.
âItâs fine, prinâ Y/N.â he coughs, the twins raise an eyebrow. âGo have fun.â
âWhy are you being so nice out of the sudden, Naoya??â Maki, unable to hide her⊠confusion, points out, making Naoya fluster.
âBecause itâs her birthday!â he frowns. âWhich should be enough reason for the two of you to behave as well, instead of being the spoiled brats you usually are!â
âNaoya!â you gasp.
ââŠI meanâjustâletâs just have fun.â Naoya spluttered, making you and the twinâs chuckle.
Which is how the rest of the evening proceeded, with samples of all the food both found appetizing, alongside purchases of things that were to undoubtedly preserve this moment for years to come, and of course, pictures, lots of them, with you, Mai and Maki, in every iconic landscape with those equally memorable Mickey ears that Naoya found quite adorable on you; because it represented your happiness.
A job well done on his part, just what he wanted for you on your special day.
And once everything was done, the girls tired and you satisfied, it was finally time to go back home. Naoya helped you carry the only one of the twins that was too exhausted to make the way back to the car, while you held the other by the handâa lovely sight he didnât know he wanted to partake in until now⊠imagining them instead as both little girls that looked just like you; daughters that would take after your loving demeanor.
Your enjoyment of sweets, of places like these that heâd turn into some kind of yearly family holiday just to see them happy. Already hearing their adorable pleas, demanding their papa take them to greet their favorite characterâa princess perhaps, though they were the only princesses he could discernâor try out one of the many snacks.
âNow, now darlings; donât overwhelm your papa.â Youâd caution, gently taking the hand of your youngest before heading to him, offering him a bite of the churros you just bought for them, and him gladly taking it. âIs it good? Do you like it?â
âItâs⊠different.â He says. âI donât mind the texture.â
 âIâm gladâoh! Wait.â You then proceed to wipe the leftovers in the corner of his mouth, a moment that leads the two to stare at each other for a few seconds, a smile parting both of their lips as they realize how blessed they were to be here, with your daughters. Together.
Happy.
In love.
âŠ
When the time is right.
Only with you.
âDo you need anything else? Food, medicine? Are you feeling alright?â
âItâs ok, Naoya, just tired. You donât need to do anything else⊠what youâve done is more than enough.â You say, looking back at the twins to find them soundly asleep; they were knocked out the moment they arrived at your shared hotel roomâcertainly, today had been a long day for everyone. âIt was fun.â
âIâm glad.â He responds, feeling the tiniest sting of disappointment, perhaps expecting youâd be willing to do something else with him before the night ends, a moment of privacy between the twoâŠ
But he soon learns that you werenât far off from his desires, given how you carefully placed your hand over his chest and leaned upwards to place a kiss on his cheek, your gesture flaring Naoyaâs cheeks immediately after, more so at the following.
âMaybe next time⊠it could just be the two of us.â You murmur. âIâd like it to be just the two of us.â
âI canâI can arrange that.â Naoya breathes, nodding.
âItâs a date, then.â You smile. âGoodnight, Naoya. See you tomorrow for breakfast.â
âGoodnight, princess.â He smirks, the nickname heâs been holding off to say finally making its way past his lips and making you blush; quickly turning around out of embarrassment, ready to head back to bed⊠before decidedly returning to him and placing a chaste kiss on his lips. Now itâs his moment to turn bright red. âY/Nââ
âJust something to look forward to.â You murmur. âIf⊠ itâs not too much.â
âNo, itâs not. Actually, itâs⊠perfect.â As always.
Naoya could wait a bit thinking about a family.
For now, he just wants to love you.
It can be somewhat read like Naoya and Y/N aren't officially dating quite yet.............................................. or maybe you're just shy because Mai and Maki are there and they're like 1000000% little devils when it comes to teasing you about your BOYFRIEND with coincidentally is the dork of a cousin they have. Aw đ„č
Also, the whole thing did make me wonder how Junko would even allow this to happen.............. you must've sworn to do something crazy lol. "Fine, I'll marry Naoya if you let me take the girls to Disney." type of thing, when outside of the crazy canon and Naoya is a bit calmer, Junko always struck me as the type to look out for him one way or the other more than his own uncle!!! (she fears you'll hurt him lol)
Anyways, it was a treat writing this and now I want to write little Naomi going on an amusement park with her parents... which will happen but not on Disney, we all know she a puroland fan đ
Thank you so much â€ïž Now, take care and hope to see you soon!!
#ask#naoya zenin#naoya zen'in#naoya x reader#naoya zenin x reader#naoya zenin x you#jjk naoya#naoya zen'in x reader#jjk x reader#jjk fluff#jjk x you#prompt series: jujutsu kaisen
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cinnamon girl
after years of keeping your distance from the one boy who probably wants you dead, you have an unexpected encounter with mattheo at hogsmeade (mattheo riddle x muggleborn!reader)
a/n - decided to try something new! I had more of this fic planned but lost interest a little (a theo girlie through and through rip) but I might eventually write it all out so we'll see :))
tropes/warnings - muggleborn!reader, tw smoking, tw alcohol, idk if its fluff or angst tbh hmmm
word count - 1.4k
âNeed a light?â
You looked up from where you had been rifling through your pockets, searching for your lighter. You glanced at the voice behind you, nearly dropping your cigarette in the snow.
You were at The Three Broomsticks with your friends who had dragged you for a night out to celebrate the end of your midterms - yours and the rest of the schoolâs, from the looks of the crowd there. As well-meaning as they were, it hadnât taken long for the warm, honeyed air of the pub to begin feeling stifling, and you had excused yourself for a bit of fresh air.
If you were completely honest, you couldnât bear hearing about their plans after graduation for a minute longer. You decided that taking a break outside would be better than brooding over the loneliness stabbing your gut, even if it was dreadfully freezing outside. Still, the cold considerably perked you up as you fumbled for your cigarette pack.
Smoking was a vice you didnât regularly succumb to, and it was one that your friends disapproved of, but trying times called for trying measures. It had been this way for as long as you could remember - you felt lost and woefully untethered, strung between both worlds as you didn't seem to quite fit either. You couldn't settle on what kind of career you wanted to pursue, magical or muggle, let alone where you wanted to set up your life.
It wasnât your friends' fault, you decided. They didnât realise they had the privilege of thinking up a life after Hogwarts. You were just trying your best to not be hunted for sport, especially when the people doing the hunting were the likes of Mattheo Riddle.
You hadn't noticed the pair of brown eyes intently tracking you as you slipped out of the pub's door. He had been staring into the bottom of his third firewhiskey, his friends' guffaws like a pallid echo in his ears, thinking about how this was the last semester he could take refuge in Hogwarts. After that, real life would kick in in ways he could not run from.
That was when you had squeezed past his table - you, the girl that he found oh so curious, who had held his interest for more years than he'd like to admit. There was an endearing simplicity in the way you approached the magical world with your muggle-leaning tendencies which he found dreadfully appealing. And like with everything he truly treasured, he held you at further than arm's length.
His head had snapped up as you muttered an apology, and he had watched you make your way to the door with half a mind to call after you. In his inebriated state of mind, this was enough to be a sign.
It didn't help that you were a jumpy person by nature when the person you had offhandedly been thinking about seemingly materialised out of thin air. For a moment, you forgot to breathe. You broke into a cold sweat as your mind raced. Did he know? Could he tell, just by looking at you, that you were the worst kind of imposter, at least in his eyes?
No, you were being ridiculous. There was no way he'd know you were a muggleborn. You were dressed just like everybody else. It wasn't as though you had mudblood scrawled across your forehead. Besides, even if he did know, he wasn't about to try anything right in front of a pub chock full of witnesses.
Still, his presence made you uneasy.
Nervously, you acquiesced, leaning forward as he flicked the lighter on. As you took your first drag, you distantly noted that something about this felt...off.
"Thanks."
He pulled out a cigarette for himself. "Anytime."
The two of you smoked in silence, watching your twin streams of smoke curl in the frigid air.
"So," Mattheo said after a beat, "big plans tonight?"
You shook your head. "Not really," you replied. "Just...celebrating the end of midterms."
"Ah. Yes," he said, his lips curling into a faint, almost insincere smile. "Your last midterms. Mazel tov." He distractedly scraped at a scuffed patch of ice near the pub's door. "Must feel good to have something worth celebrating."
Even as your heart thudded, you dared to cast a sidelong glance at him. You felt half-inclined to tell him to step back from the ice. If you didn't know any better, you'd say he sounded bitter.
You glanced back at the beckoning warmth and murmuring bustle of the pub. You found yourself wishing you had stayed in that night.
"Yeah," you said, in a voice that sounded hollow even to your own ears. "I guess."
If you were a little less nervous, you might have noticed Mattheo looking at the fragile snowflakes littering your hair. One last semester of taking refuge in watching you carefully pour maple syrup over your pancakes a couple tables over every morning. He took a long drag of his cigarette, firmly shoving down the unwelcome anxiety creeping into his mind. Who knew when he'd see you again? Who knew what kind of state you'd be in if he did see you again?
He tilted his head, studying you with an intensity that made your stomach twist. âGuess youâve got it all figured out, then. Your plans after Hogwarts, I mean. Places to be, dreams to chase. You strike me as the type.â
You blinked, caught off guard by the comment. It didnât feel like a compliment.
"I don't," you were saying before you could stop yourself.
Mattheo quirked an eyebrow.
"No?"
You swallowed hard. You tapped your cigarette, watching the ash fall into the snow as you avoided his gaze.
"I don't - I haven't made any plans yet. It didn't seem..." you sighed, pushing back a limp lock of hair that was falling into your face. "...prudent."
Mattheo's lips parted imperceptibly, as if he had stumbled across some revelation.
"Prudent," he echoed with a softer edge to his voice.
You nodded, fidgeting with your jacket zipper.
"Well," you said eventually, shifting your feet. "this was nice." You put out what was left of your cigarette. "Thanks for the light."
You started to walk back inside.
"Wait."
You paused, turning back. There was an urgency laced in his voice that gave you pause, that made you stay for reasons beyond your comprehension. His face was pale and almost sickly-looking, awash with moonlight. He'd clearly drunk more than he should have, if his mildly unsteady swaying was any indication.
"I wasn't done talking to you," he said clumsily, as if to make up for the momentary vulnerability.
"Bold words coming from someone who stole my lighter."
Only as the words were leaving your mouth did it occur to you that perhaps it would not be wise to accuse Mattheo of petty theft. But you couldn't help it - you had realised his lighter was yours sometime during your conversation, something you were prepared to take to the grave if he hadn't stopped you. Yes, it was just a stupid, sticky, barely working lighter, but it was yours. It was certainly nothing worth antagonising a Riddle over, but here you were.
But before the regret could swoop in, something else did - or rather, someone else. He took half a step towards you, throwing his face into the shadows.
"You noticed?" he asked, with a wicked gleam in his eye.
You ignored the stuttering of your pulse. "Obviously."
His lips twitched like your answer secretly delighted him. You didn't feel so scared of him anymore.
Under the dark of the awning, away from the streetlights lined along the pavement, Mattheo bent down and kissed your chapped, half-bitten-to-death lips. That was when you learnt Mattheo Riddle could be unassumingly gentle.
"Good night," he murmured as he pulled away.
He stepped back, taking with him his warmth, leaving the chilly air to nip at your nose. Unthinkingly, you raised a hand to your lips, as if in disbelief. He tasted of cinnamon, of a warmth resilient enough to thaw your frozen bones.
As he disappeared back inside the cosy pub, you felt a familiar weight in your pocket, one that you had been so desperately looking for.
You hadn't even thought to push him away.
#mattheo riddle#mattheo riddle x reader#mattheo riddle x y/n#mattheo riddle x you#slytherin boys#cinnamon girl#lana del rey
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oc deep dive - gray
what common/uncommon fear do they have?
themself. losing control because of what they're capable of. they're afraid of the power they have but it also drives them to be very careful with it. most of the time.
abandonment or losing people. grief already eats them alive as it is so they're afraid of losing the people they have and getting close to anyone else.
confronting their guilt/shame and the things they've done to hurt people.
moving on from the emo shit, they find being in tight spaces unsettling.
do they have any pet peeves?
they hate mouth noises outside of kissing and horny things. loud chewing, lip smacking, etc.
being asked personal things right off the bat or just by anybody outside their inner circle đ. they don't like small talk either but find it much more tolerable.
people who joke about not being able to keep their houseplants alive. mildly irking bc plants are so important to them. (anything nature related is the best way to get them to go "um actually đ€")
being touched without their permission.
what are three items you can find in their bedroom?
on the move, they'll always have their weapons first and foremost. guns (mainly pistols but they have a couple shotguns and a rifle), whips, knives, etc.
potted plants
an old picture of miko, blake, and olive with them when they were a baby.
going over three but a pack of cigarettes
really messy vibes for when they settle down in one place:
what do they notice first in a person?
someone's overall demeanor, i suppose? are they confident, standoffish, nervous, shy, hiding or looking for something? even so, they're not always the best at gauging this or someone's intentions initially even though they'd tell you they are. next comes mouth and then the eyes. then an overall once over; more than that if they like what they see.
on a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?
physically: 10. they don't feel pain like humans do since they're a half-demon. they're able to walk off a gunshot to the head, a sword through the stomach, demons clawing or biting them, etc. none of these things feel particularly good but they don't feel nearly as intense as they would for anybody else. they're taking pretty massive beatings on the regular.
mentally: 9. gray is... perseverant, you could say. they have good resolve and can keep their composure under frankly ridiculous circumstances. they already have a very low opinion of themselves so most things you could say to them will just get a đreaction.
emotionally: 6. this goes for mainly people who have managed to get close to them (eden, dmitri, dante, etc). they have a lot of mental and physical fortitude but they are very sensitive deep down. there's some tolerance for things but a huge upset is what will finally get them to lash out. their interpersonal skills are lacking as well and they're fairly unstable for a lot of their life so their reactions to conflict can be a little unpredictable.
do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? (Or freeze or fawn?)
it depends. gray does well under a lot of pressure most of the time. if on some off chance, they can't fight their way out, they'll go for flight.
but most of the time, they have more of a fight response. when it comes to physical altercations, they have a lot of confidence in their combat skills and rightfully so. they're stronger than any humans they've come across and most demons/monsters aren't a problem.
if they feel cornered outside of that, it's a mixed bag. fight response is their knee jerk (not necessarily via physical means) but that can get nasty really quick. if they value the relationship enough, they'll try to get away and gather their thoughts.
they're not one to fawn, really. maybe freeze if something really takes them by surprise.
what animal represents them best?
hmmm. they're like a big, nervous, intimidating looking dog from the shelter. something you can bring with you to ward off strangers and weirdos. can get aggressive if needed or sometimes when it's inappropriate. affectionate and undyingly loyal when it feels safe. i've never been all that into dog motif but it feels fitting for them.
how would a stranger likely describe them?
standoffish. rude. cold. greedy. stoic. the list goes on and it's not necessarily inaccurate except for the greed, to an extent.
physically, they have a very sharp and striking bone structure but softer facial features. tan, olive skin, big brown eyes, a slight hook to their nose, full lips, dark and wavy hair, a lanky figure hidden under baggy clothes. they have pointed ears which are often hidden behind their hair. these and their fangs can be unsettling to strangers and to themself since it makes them stand out.
smells like wet soil and cigarettes -- an acquired taste. dark undereyes and a massive amount of tattoos. there's always a suspicious look in their eyes unless they want something from you, and then they're unexpectedly charming.
do they have any hobbies?
they like to take care of plants and read about botany, and things like that. they have a lot of books on it and miko would steal college textbooks for them when they were a kid.
they draw and paint as well. they're drawn mainly to oil paints but will take what they can get.
they mess around with their guns a lot. they're not a smith by any means but some customizations are needed with how they beat the shit out of them. they naturally pull the trigger a lot faster than like. everybody else. (dante has this same problem hehe). i hc they eventually have nico make custom guns for them.
they hone their powers a lot through communicating with plant life and nature around them. it's calming and it helps keep them be more precise when controlling it. it's not all that necessary given they can just make shit out of thin air if they need it but.
they do this a lot with their devil trigger as well since it's prone to popping out when they're feeling intense emotions.
i was tagged by beloved @aztarion đ§Ąđ§Ą
taglist (opt in/out): @dollthorne @vorgoth @ruvviks @theonlyadawong @deadrlngers
@celticwoman @mrs-theirin @opaleyedprince @dmc4 @numbaoneflaya
@katsigian @quendiviner @saratrantoul
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aha! i found a soobin oneshot in the drafts, that i wrote when i was in the soobin feels đł iâm going to edit (only for vibes, never for spelling or grammar đ€Ș) and finish it, then hopefully post it in the week! <3
#while i was reading what i had#i was having such an existential crisis đ#like hmmm i feel like i could do this so well#but i have so much work still to do for uni#and my sleep schedule is already shitty as it is#BUT I NEED TO WRITE IT#anyways moral of the story#NEVER delete your drafts kids!#they may be frustrating and overwhelming at one moment#but when you revisit it you may make it something beautiful!#aisha rambles
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I need to know if I'm delusional and projecting onto random characters or if Adam and/or Steve are neurodivergent
You can project whatever you want on them, and I don't know that it's "canon" so to speak but I write them with neurodivergent intent in mind just based on my own life experiences!
so I'm projecting on them too, but it's up for debate whether that's coming across in the text.
Adam is autistic and Steve has ADHD. To Me.
#I think adam autism is wayyyyy more in the text than steve ADHD#adam who has. been to therapy.#and whose mom. is a psych#thats not in canon but it's how I'm writing him#he feels like someone whose mom was psychoanalyzing him in a gentle way his whole life you know what I mean.#like. ok maybe I'm being ridiculous but its in there I swear#steve on the other hand extremely untreated ADHD and also no way of knowing he has it and also doesnt need to focus much so you cant tell#but. as much as it could be in there for his situation I think its in there#anyways this is just word of god I guess. well maybe adam autism is like fair at this point to read and consider relatively canon#dodsent madder#I'm wary of what I say is actually canon#especially when it comes to neirodivergency!#which is sooo extremely personal and SOOOO varied#but like them being trans. thats canon#and when people are like hmmm idk I dont think its in there#I'm like LEARN TO THINK CRITICALLY...#'your family wouldnt recognize you as a man and you said you were glad for it'#'the man who chose and who told me I was allowed not to'#'are you my boyfriend?' 'I prefer partner.'#like be serious. thats canon#sorry it pisses me OFFF!!!!!!#not like super duper its like fine HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHA#anyways okay. yeah adam is autistic and steve has ADHD#uh.......#also personally choose not to use the word delusional and to save it for medical discussions but your words are your choice#asks#autisticfridge#just like to make my choices clear as often as I can#ok bye love you. project whatever the hell you want on my ocs#I made them and put them out there and I get to do 100% of what I want with them
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people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime
#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head#around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working#as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of#how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol#i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were#pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family#i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by#ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me#or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made#you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm#im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help#wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career#i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades#but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard#yapping
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Getting closer, getting really close now I swear (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#True Villainy AU#Just ignore how many times I've said that up to this point lol - I'm serious this time!#I always feel so bad designing TVAU outfits because Charm is always so miserable as a model haha#Could this be a contributing factor as to why it's taken so long?? No I enjoy drawing her like that lol#Made some design notes about the important elements of what I want for her True Villain look - more than just ''Her but Kaiein influence''#I'd still really like a nod to dragon scales of some kind but honestly her classic design is more that#Always going on about her spider theming how to make it dragony! It's the one thing I'm still hung up on lol#As for the rest I think it's Really getting close :) I got to actually turn her little ''shawl'' - I always knew it was Kaiein-related -#Into something that properly mimics his shape! It's all controlled by her tho it's not a part of his body - just magic-infused matter#Made to look like him so there's still that creep factor but it's more her body than his - she can control its shape :D#And I got to keep the jewels! Yesss - made it a motif! Now it's also on her hips and knees to break up her visual space yes very good#It's drips :) Y'know - like ink :) Finally figured that one out lol good job setting up my own symbolism me#And then some elegant drapey bits to match her ''shawl'' and continue to break up her space!! Yes! Good!!#I still haven't decided on a colour palette I think black and white is too obvious and too Kaiein but hmmm - she has a lot of colours#Lots of options to pick from but which is the Correct one - her hair would stay pink so maybe some of her pinks or purples#I'll play with some digital swatches later :)#I'm also so glad I could implement the hood design from one of the scrapped outfits ah <3 I love her in a hood she's so cute#I'm rather pleased with the way the spider web design breaks up her form as well - it's more subdued than the full bottom/shoes stripes but#It's also not very clear here lol the long ones that all the way down to her feet are the third from the center ignore that second one#The second lines out from the center host her wings! Very important!#Kinda reminds me of my holosona in a way actually :0 They /are/ both Evil-aligned hmmmm#All the more reason to colour palette! Differentiate the colours in my head#Really do feel like I'm approaching it now fdjsklafd getting close now!!
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[staring out the window but it's just a sticker on the wall] i actually need to make something right now or i'll espode
#just me hi#didn't really do anything yesterday and i have some neat ideas that i haven't gotten around to because of the Sludge#but ouuuu Aura.....#yea..#//also think i want a sweet drink rn#prolly soda ngl. favorite poison :3#//i had to reset my computer (bugging out) and for some reason it signed me out of everything ? boop ??#anyway so that means ytm autoplay got turned back on. which i rarely enjoy but i don't have the power to turn it off rn so i'm just#tolerating everything that comes on loll#which i'd Like to say it's like the radio but i really really like the station i listen to often and i Understand it's gonna be a roulette#//OH YEAAA i forgot about my mp3 project !! !!!!#so i think i mentioned it can hold images too which is Sickkkk and you can put the images on a slideshow which is even cooler#and bc you can listen to audio while doing that at the same time i was thinking well this is just infinite potential here. this could be#everything khfbvshg :333#i wanna try a shorter + smaller story first.. prolly a short ghost story cuz spooky is just easier for me to do lol#ik what the visuals will prolly look like but the audio cues are where i'm a bit Hmmm abt em hfshg#i'm thinking i could put All of the audio in just like 2-3 files (for tutorials on how to use the machine for the story :) ) which isn't#hard#and cuz if you need to pause for whatever reason it's next to impossible to figure out where you are properly meant to be anyway#Yeaa i'll prolly do that :)#but if it turns out well i want to do some more complicated stuff!!#like i was thinkin and there's like a second between each pic where it could look like smth is just Kinda animated#which could be really cool and offsetting in the right spots :33#i'm really excited abt it hbfhsv - prolly cuz it feels like a new medium which always gets my gears moving lol :>#//anyway i'm gonna run out of tag space in a sec lol--#just realized the reason i tend to have my last tag cut off at the end is bc i forget to count my talk tag as. a tag. lmfvsfhvjsf#anyWay yea!!! toodles ^w^
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Chronic pain really got me going to bed before itâs even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)
#my back and shoulder are killing me and Iâve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad#so Iâm gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow#I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that#Iâm excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever#out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it#down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired#5) period tired and chronic pain tired#like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did#nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours thatâs itttttt#like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work#like Iâm already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind#gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the#heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle#my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe thereâs somewhere I want to live that has#an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe thatâs an added way for me to figure out where I want to#move#hmmm okay Iâm gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and Iâm just gonna daydream and try to fall#asleep and Iâll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo#going to think about the future because I want to live !!!!#anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother#and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until Iâm back to smoking constantly to the point where Iâm making myself sick and#then Iâll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and thatâll lead me into saving money again#or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed#either way Iâm going to smoke all summer itâs gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it#itâs gonna suck and Iâm gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and itâll be depressing and isolating and lonely and Iâll come out of#the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am#and then Iâll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression.#I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a#bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like#weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible
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maybe i should bleach my hair again.....
#my roots have grown out too much my hair is like a nasty half brown half shitty bottle blond#kinda wanna do half and half but the only blond half and half i can think of would be like black.#and if i dye half of it black i might as well dye the other half a pretty color#i would do red but i guy im kind of friends with irl has half red half black hair so it is OFF THE TABLE#also i wear a lot of green#i could do a lime color but i feel like that would just turn me into a monster can. and yellow would just look like shit#hmmm....... pink however... . ...... agh pink hair swag is drawing me back in
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been thinking about..... those dramatic otp tags some blogs have.......
#tagging the fandom is not enough i need to be able to scroll through just the yoohankim on my blog#wait let me workshop some#joongdok is easy#otp: tell me you fool#theres definitely more. like kdjs little monologue in the divorce arc. and of course - eyebrows seemingly sculpted......#doksoo......#otp: for just that one reader#theres some other good doksoo moments. lemon candy indirect kiss. i believe in the you of the 3rd turn? doesnt he say that in 1863#i think kaizenix doksoo is also really good. augh i just dont know a lot of lines off the top of my head#now. yoohan is a little tricky#1863 is very good but most of it happens off page. these 2 dont have that many good quotable interactions......#ooooh the epilogue fight. i dont remember any lines from that but theres gotta be something#okay. so i went back to read it..... ouch. my feelings. and still nothing really stood out to me.....#well. 'you should know where my story is supposed to end' is pretty good. but i might go with something a little less direct?#otp: the architects design#oooh. i like that a lot#omg or. hear me out#otp: the false last act#ohhhh how will i choose......#okay now a tag for all 3...... hmmm. a single quote probably wont cut it#well maybe something from the epilogue..... that scene with the clock?#could also keep it simple and straightforward#otp: reader / author / protagonist#hmmm i do want something with a little more drama though..... ehh ill think on it#okay well. i was gonna do more ships but i hit the tag limit đđđ#ill make a list somewhere for if i ever organize my blog. stay tuned#otp: it's a work in progress#<- placeholder so i can find this again. idk if ill have a use for it again but i kind of love it as a placeholder.....#man this is so fun. i can see why people make these!#biggie tumbles
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idk if anyone plays reverse 1999 here but i might upload the "journey in the rain" album in a hot sec
#0.txt#i don't play it either but the character trailer for the bird man showed up on my feed#and the art style/music was gorgeous so i just started looking through their trailers and stuff#i don't think i'd actually play it since the gameplay itself isn't something im into but i'll appreciate from a distance#but anyways yeah it led me to their one officially released album and i LOVE symbiosis#need it on my blog. there's only 9 songs so figured id just upload the entire thing here#in general though idk what i wanna do about like. misc songs i want to upload#like here is fine for now but i can't organize it as well so it just feels kinda messy to me#i DID have a misc music blog for a hot sec but i didn't keep it around long since it felt super aimless at the time#i'm also tempted to turn starrailmp3 into a general gacha music or whatever blog but idk. hsr has a lot of music on its own#similarly i know i'll probably end up making yet another music blog for zzz bc hoyo-mix is already going nuts on that ost#so alternatively i could also make it a general hoyo-mix blog and also upload hi3 even though i don't play it at all#hmmm might do that actually#but for non-hoyo-mix songs. i feel like i might also want to upload some wuwa tracks if they end up releasing albums for it#but they probably won't release as much as hoyo-mix and i'd want to keep the aforementioned blog on theme#so idk where i'd put the other gacha game tunes#like do i make ANOTHER side blog lol i hate having so many tbh
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mmmm should I go on a dating app and just look for a hookup..? ...considering...
#personal#like it's not such an unusual thing to do people do it all the time#and just because im aspec and demiro and my mental health is trash doesn't mean i CAN'T#right?#hmmm#ive always wanted to go down on somebody you know? and it would be better if it was someone i cared about#but tbh i don't think romance is in the cards for me and i would like to at least try sex sometime#and i enjoy doing things for other people and making them happy and i could be so enthusiastic i swear#ugh#its like 1am and i still haven't been sleeping well since that day i literally slept for more than 24 hrs#i just want to feel something#and god i want to be wanted by somebody.
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#tag talk#watched âit followsâ and I shouldn't have. didn't know it was horror going in but after a few minutes I did and I should have stopped#I'm apparently still not 100% past self-terrifying as a form of self harm. I knew I shouldn't have and I kept watching anyway#you know. most people don't know what terror is. they know fear. they know worry. they know anxiety.#terror is something different. I wish I could describe it but you really only know it when you have felt it.#that freezing up of your body. I guess some people get terror in different ways though. I freeze. others fight or flight. I just freeze.#that sense of helpless anticipation as you experience the certainty that the object of your terror is approaching. inevitably.#why fight it? you fucking can't. no matter what you do it'll always get you. it's stronger. more powerful.#hmmm. csa moment oops. I am tempted to make a joke here but I don't want to deflect from my issues.#I have trauma and I wish I didn't. I have hurt that I don't even consciously remember but my body does.#I do not have emotional trauma in the way that people have survivors guilt and feeling like it was their fault. any of those surface emotion#not calling it shallow. but like. it's like when you don't look at the needle and you don't even notice the skin prick but you feel it#you feel it hit your vein and you feel that deep body response that Something Is Not Right.#like when I got my wisdom teeth pulled and I elected to not go under for it so I was numbed but conscious for it.#part way through my body started uncontrollably shaking (well. sort of controlled. I'm good at that).#I didn't feel the pain. I wasn't afraid. but my body was feeling objective physical trauma and I had the response anyway.#I don't remember really. I don't have the surface level pain responses to the trauma.#but deep down my body knows something is wrong and I can't stop my bones from shaking even though I don't feel the pain.#hmmm. I should talk to my next therapist about this.#Lear chased off our last therapist when I was having my dissociative week after watching The Hunt.#which. tbh good riddance she was not equipped to handle us in the slightest. and we're talking to our friend/gf(?) again which is really nic#she and Lear had a few solid conversations too. which was funky cause before he snapped he didn't want anything to do with her#but we kinda had a moment where he realized he's just as fucked up as I am just differently.#anyone reading these tag talks might remember so I won't go over it again.#anyway. I'm not sleeping tonight. I think I should start taking the full pill instead of just the half. but it's just suppressing symptoms#I'm acting up because of my inner state. or maybe my inner state is tumultuous because of my outer condition? idfk#either way I'm suffering over here#not a sui risk but damn#I'm gonna finish patching the pair of pants I've been not working on for the past months
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