#like extremely personal vent

[maskedrealities]

Hi. Cut has a personal vent. You can read or respond if you want to, I can’t tell you what to do, but just know this gets into my personal life and how my views on myself have been very harsh.

For the warnings: suicidal ideation, self-harming thoughts, mentions of wanting to overdose, brief trauma issues, near death experience from illness.

Recently, all of my thoughts have been worsening. No one was “able” to take my to my therapy appointment before we moved, the same person that hounded me for going due to intense trauma from a very young age gave up completely on trying to get me to go. She made excuses although she wants to claim she cares, but I know she never did the second I stopped seeing the shared therapist we had, which that therapist was treating us the same and seemingly more upset with me when I didn’t do anything wrong.

I know that I haven’t done anything to actively harm people, to take advantage of them, anything. But that’s really hit where I’ve been hurt a lot. I stay lonely. Even with my lover and friends, I push a lot of people away and stay lonely. That’s something I’ll admit to. Of all of the times I’ve had someone close to me, I never feel worthy of their time, effort, love, care, anything. So I don’t accept it. It’s hard for me to accept it without getting irritated or angry.

I was getting somewhat better but not with the medication. It really sent my emotions flying and left me completely derailed from what was a normal for me. They made me too sick to eat, I couldn’t do anything without crying and that, to me, is something I can never do without being weak. That has been burned into my brain that crying is a weakness, my emotions are a weakness, and they have left me to be used before.

I don’t trust my memory of my childhood. I know I should because it affects me greatly, but I have no solid proof or evidence that I have had that happen to me. If any physical scars are there, they’re gone, completely, I have no proof that they ever existed. What if I just took in media and “adopted” that into nightmares? Believed it so hard enough that I’ve molded it into something that causes me problems? I can’t force myself to cry from that, I cringe when I see it, when it’s mentioned, when it’s slightly talked about in posts or shown to me. Yet it feels so made up.

I’ve wanted to overdose so much, to die, to simply cease existing. Sometimes I want to hit myself, punch myself, watch myself bleed, relive what I remember again and again just to have the proof that it happened. I wish that I could ask the one that hurt me “did this truly happen? Detail everything you’ve ever done to me, please, just to make me stop losing my mind.” It tears me apart.

Maybe if I just had the proof, had anything I needed that would just prove to me that it happened, that Im not making it up, would I be better? Would I finally be able to let go? Would I finally be able to sleep easy? To make me stop these actions that I have no control over? What then?

But I can’t talk about what happened to me. If I can’t believe it myself, why would someone else?

My memory can’t be trusted or is that what was wanted? I feel like a child lost in a corridor of doors, where do I run to? I have no one to run to, all the doors are slamming closed and there’s always a haunting laugh while the mirror maze in my mind shatters. I feel lost and alone. I want solitude, isolation. I mask and act all well and fine but the panic underneath is something I don’t like.

Just one restful night of sleep is all I’ve ever wanted. But I’m too afraid to be the same level of sick or close to death, I can’t walk that void again, I cannot hear my own heartbeat fail while I sit and beg for someone to save me. I know the voice I heard that told me to wake up will never return, I will never heal, I will never survive that again as much as I want to. I don’t have time.

I don’t feel like I will ever have time to do the things I want, to have a family like I want, without rushing my life away. There’s always been this feeling the older I get to 28, I’m running out of time. I’m running low on what I never had. And I will be stuck in that void for the rest of what I have, never finding a way out, being alone in solitude with my own mind breaking again and again.

But I have to keep my composure.

[bamsara]

I love Arson he's my favorite heater but I should really get a cheap laptop one day so I can leave the house to write because the Noise. Is . Too Much. I need to go write in the forest

[darkxsoulzyx]

do you guys ever get too scared to post ocs because you’re worried that their design or story isn’t cool enough

And then someone posts their OC/sona that looks super similar to your OC, even though you’ve technically made yours first

And now you’re scared of posting them because you’re afraid someone is gonna try and compare the two, because someone will always do that if they look similar enough

Do you guys ever feel that way or am I just really really stupid

[oceanwithouthermoon]

maybe its just me but i cant stand when people are like "it just doesn't sit right with me how teruhashi thought about aiura 🥺" like yes... its not supposed to ??? because her thinking badly of other girls and prioritizing male validation over everything is one of her main flaws ??? can we talk about that WITHOUT making it seem like shes not allowed to have a single actual flaw without suddenly becoming an awful person? nobody can handle complex female characters at all and its so fucking annoying

[unorcadox]

don’t you feel guilty? / you shouldn’t be here / why should you be happy? / you don’t deserve it / what good are you? / you’re better off dead / doesn’t it eat at you? / you’re living on borrowed time

[rapidhighway]

[mycological-mariner]

So I have no way to heat my home or have warm water.. Nice.

[paranormaljones]

.

[nuppu-nuppu]

Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

[fragmentedblade]

The "Dan Heng is Dan Feng" dogmatics annoy me a lot. It entirely brushes off one of the most interesting and prevalent questions posed by the game, incarnated by several characters and stories that give the question different hues with different potential answers, and a constant also in HI3, like a thread waving the two games together

[maskedrealities]

Personal small vent.

How can you tell torture happened without the scars? Only the screaming in your mind? The panic, the fear?

What if my brain has decided to add details that aren’t true? What then?

How do you save yourself from your own mind? It’s terrifying.

[omgcatboi]

Not to be a bummer but this lifestyle is very lonely.

[kazzsk2]

Extra doodle i did earlier

[justawrites]

Unpopular opinion but I see a lot of AUs where Nari and Lamb Should Not Get Together. Like I see a lot of AUs where Nari or Lamb should straight up run away. Like. Unless you are going for unhealthy, toxic and/or unhinged (which is perfectly fine and can be fun) it's set up like an abuse victim falling for their abuser. Not every AU has to be romantic to be fun.

Thaaaat being said I'm definitely not here to tell people how to live their lives. I will just turn the other way. I don't fancy following these AUs which means they're not for me and that's fine! I'm sure I write things that aren't other people's speed so, live and let live.

[bandsandwristbands]

Vent post

[dreamtydraw]

Entering depressed dreamty wave era of the month, I’ll excuse myself for being moody, I randomly feel like crying on the floor.