#I just wish that the people I met online that I could meet IRL

[omgcatboi]

Not to be a bummer but this lifestyle is very lonely.

[meliohy]

Meeting more queers IRL makes me so happy 💕

[mattscoquette]

my experience meeting the triplets/ going to their tour ౨ৎ ⋆.˚ ✧

first i just wanna say, i am so so so insanely grateful to have attended both tours and to have met them twice. i’m not trying to brag or anything but a lot of people ask me and i figured it be easier for me to make one post rather than answer inbox questions a million times that get lost.

2/5/23 - let’s trip tour

i met the triplets for the first time during the let’s trip tour. i vividly remember being at work when the tickets went on sale and i was gonna go w my coworker but things fell thru and i went alone, and that alr was nerve wrecking enough. but i met a lot of cool people on line and everyone was super friendly. i got the pre-show small talk package, so i got to meet them before i saw them on stage. i also wrote them letters (idk if they ever opened them) but it was honestly fate when i stopped to drop them off in the present bin because there was a group of three girls in front of me so i wasn’t super rushed when i was meeting each triplet.

i met chris first! i was soooooo nervous but the second i started talking it all went away. the first thing i noticed was how small they are irl and immediately after was how fucking good chris smelled 😭 he was soo sweet. i told him how i loved watching their videos w my mom and that she was his favorite. i can’t rlly remember what else i talked about him with, and i tried to screen record my camera but i didn’t turn the mic on so i lost all the audio 😭😭

next was matttttt the loml. i was immediately soo comfortable around him, i was literally just talking like a normal conversation without even thinking. i asked him how the tour was going and he told me he was sad it was ending soon. and then i told him how one of my best friends is a triplet and we talked about that, he told me his dad is a twin and that everyone thinks he nick and chris are identical but they aren’t. he was so sweet and really listen to what you have to say, i had such a nice time talking with him.

when i met nick my auto pilot like shut off and i froze 😭😭 i literally out loud was like “i am so nervous” and he was so sweet about it, he hugged me a second time and was like “no don’t be it’s okay!” lmfaoo. i didn’t get to talk to him as long but i remember him telling me it was super nice to meet me after.

on line for the red carpet, i met madi! she was just walking around the venue, and she was over by me and i asked for a photo. she was soo sweet (and so pretty irl omfg). i didn’t wait in line for the red carpet for very long, i got merch, and then i did my photo w them :,) tbh i honestly don’t lovee it because i rlly don’t look the best in it lolol. bur ill pull thru and show u all. but this was back when u got to pick ur own poses and we all did hearts with one another (idk if that makes sense) and i stood next to my mannn😛😛

i look so diff now like i actually hate how i look when i met them but that’s beside the point 😭😭 but they all looked sooooo good. also for reference im about 5’3-5’4ish.

show-wise, it was sm more fun than the versus tour tbh. i got to see yung pleit perform and he opened w miss me and everyone was going insaneeeee. i was literally like one person behind the baracade, i was so close it was so so so cool. the triplets went on for maybe twenty minutes but they read the question i asked them which was so cool. and mary lou, jimmy, justin, and nate were all at my show!! they were on the balcony above the stage and were waving to us it was so cute. i had such a fun time at this show i wish i could go back

10/9/23 - the versus tour

this show was soooooo so so so special to me. i was going through a really really hard time. and this show made me so happy and gave me such a nice break from everything. this show wasn’t as close as the first show so i went to with my mom (she was team orange lol). i also got to meet some old online friends i made which was so nice :,) like the last tour, i got pre-show small talk. my only complaint though is that when i bought tickets backstage wasn’t available, some friends and i called the venue and they told us there was no backstage , but there actually was :( but im still sooooo grateful i got to meet them!

the order was the same as last time- chris, matt, then nick. i was so nervous about meeting them again, i literally almost forgot to take a pic w chris LMFAO. he was so sweet, he asked me how i was doing, if i was excited, all that good stuff. this time was a lot more rushed than the first, but i still got a decent amount of time with each triplet. i also got them each to draw me my fav angel numbers to get tattooed, i still haven’t gotten it yet but when i do i’ll post it :)

i was sooo nervous to meet matt again lmfao but as soon as i went up to him i felt fine. i complemented his outfit (he had on his white eeyore jacket 😭😭 so cute) and we took our picture and when i was leaving he told me it was rlly nice to meet me :,)) he is sooooooo pretty irl like his eyes r so blue and his earrings r so sparkly i was literally like in a trance. omfg.

nick was soo sweet he gave me such a big hug and was so smiley and asked how i was doing, same as chris. he also rested his head on mine when we took our pic togetherrr. he was so so kind.

my show was a monday so they had uploaded a podcast while i was on line for the red carpet, so i listened to that a bit while waiting. this tour we had pre-picked poses, but i did the hearts again. i stood in between matt and chris, and i said i wanted hearts and matt immediately did half the heart and put his arm around me so we did the heart tgth 😭😭

lowk not a fan of this pic either but :( so sweet. i love them so much. i also wore platform shoes this time lol so that gave me some height.

the show was so good! so much more entertaining than what the triplets did the first time. it was very engaging, and so fun to watch. lowk bitter i didn’t get picked to be matt’s teammate but we move. anyway. each challenge was so fun, me and my friend knew almost all the trivia questions they did 😭😭 and jenga was sooo stressful to watch lmfao it was so close the whole time, i think we had one of the longest jenga shows of the tour lmfao. chris ended up winning bc matt dropped the jenga tower and they were both tied. it was such a fun experience im so grateful to have gone !

© mattscoquette

[yuttikkele]

please tell me more about gen z lotf au 🙏🙏

OFCCC!! i wrote a lot more about this than i thought i could, and i feel like i could keep going but i do wish to go to sleep! ty for the ask! (there was also an anon ask with this question, idk if it was you, but i'm just gonna answer this one lol)

the choir boys all know each other irl (obvi they still have choir together). everyone lives roughly in the same vicinity, but no one knows that.

they all met online during the pandemic. possibly through video games, twitter, or tiktok

how did this ragtag group of people all become friends? idk fortnite probably

i don't know much about fortnite, but it seems like it would start some friendships and/or rivalries. maybe minecraft or roblox too.

how they met and became friends is hazy, like how the beta kids became friends in homestuck. point is: they're all friends. pretty much.

some boys are closer friends than others, but they're all mutuals. they're all in like the same community. what community? that is a good question i should probably think of an answer

piggy uses the nickname people bullied him with as his online name. he gets cyberbullied and has ended up on many a cringe account, but it doesn't really bother him anymore. he likes to spread information, but he was a little self-righteous about it before he quit twitter. now he argues with people on instagram. piggy's also a redditor.

ralph usually just watches other people's content, but sometimes he'll post something and it'll get pretty popular because he's ralph and being well-liked is an innate part of his character. ralph does prefer to go out and do stuff than being online all the time.

simon is chronically online. being shy, he gravitated towards the internet. he's definitely a fandom girlie and has a tumblr (hi tumblr). he spreads positivity on the internet all the time. he's one of the good ones fr. i do hc simon as a Christian, so he does spread the Word a lot as an lgbtq affirming Christian dude

jack doesn't spend too much time on the internet. he also isn't allowed a lot of these medias by his parents, so that may have something to do with it. he does get upset when his posts don't get as many likes as ralph's

roger ragebaits and leaves hate comments all the time, but he has moments where he's nice. maurice memer obviously. sam and eric are the voros twins. i don't have too many thoughts about these guys just yet

they voice chat and sometimes video call

meeting each other irl for the first time led to the utter disgust at ralph's blindness in the fashion department

ok onto them reading lord of the flies cause i think this is such a funny concept

they all miraculously start reading lord of the flies as a class assignment at the same time

they all tell each other this and they're all like "loooool that's crazy we're all reading the same book at the same time"

i saw someone on my last post ab this say exactly what im about to say. it is truly the only way to go with this.

everyone's all "oh haha ralph's got the name of the first character AND he's blonde!" "piggy has the same name as peter's online name! haha how sill-" "WHY IS MY FULL LEGAL NAME IN THIS BOOK???"

the last person is jack btw if you couldn't tell

the exact names and character descriptions matching up a little too well with the boys startles them, but they still joke about it A LOT.

i mean, think about it, if you were forced to read this book in class and you find out you and your friends are basically the main characters, you would NOT stop cracking jokes about it.

"'ugly without silliness.' wow jack, william golding really DID put you in his story!"

they do start to get a little more freaked out when, yk, stuff starts going down in the book and they have to analyze it.

piggy's eventually like "OK we, or at least i, have got to figure this out." and he goes and does some research.

aaaaand that is all i can tell you for now :))

i do headcanon a lot of the boys as queer, but my hcs of them as gen z-ers do differ a little from my hcs of them as gen silencers.

piggy is a strict ally, his aunt is an ally, allies all around, until he realizes he is not so straight as he seems and is not really just an ally. bisexual

ralph knows nothing about the sexuality and gender biz he just does what feels right. he's pretty much demisexual/romantic tho.

simon is a gay dude. he is gnc and on the trans spectrum somewhere

jack is the only one using queer slurs, everyone gets onto him for it. he's gay, but he doesn't know it/won't accept it (because everyone in his life is HOMOPHOBIC!!!). when he does finally accept it, he is still using those slurs as slurs he is not reclaiming them.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Ahhh, what the heck, your comics are so cute??? 🤣

I'm kinda curious tho (as a fellow ace)—and only if you don't mind my asking?—how you and your partner met/figured out your QPA. Because I've tried the whole... get to know people in person thing, the online dating thing, and it just... doesn't make sense. 😵‍💫 How does one find a platonic life partner in what often feels like an ocean of straight amatonormativity..? 😅

Thank you so much for the kind words!^^

I feel like my partner would be wayyyy better suited to answer that one since they're the one who suggested to be in a QPR in the first place! But to be perfectly transparent and factual I guess I'll explain the step-by-step:

I wasn't looking for anything specific, to begin with, I was very content to vibe on my own with friends and family as support. (The aro-aceness in me helped in that sense, I believe)

My partner and I started off as online friends that just got along very well and talked a lot about common interests, as close friendships work typically, at least for me

We're both ace so we talked a lot about that, and about what works for us and what doesn't

About a year and a half after starting to talk online, they suggested trying out being in a QPR. My clueless ass had no idea what that was, how that worked, and was pretty much a mess about it, but also down to try, so there we went.

It worked for us. It felt like a nice and comfy type of relationship to be in.

About six months after that we met up IRL for the first time. Vibes were very much verified IRL too.

We started out with a pretty high level of boundaries but have built up more intimacy (both in terms of physical and what we're willing to talk about vulnerably) over time. It's always been done in the form of a suggestion, in a "would you vibe with that, because I would, but if you wouldn't let's not" sort of way. It's been developing pretty naturally and smoothly.

We're still long-distance to this day because we live in different countries. We're considering marriage, mainly as a means to an end, in order to be able to stay in the same place without one of the two risking being kicked out after a while. But ironically, before that necessity even dawned on us, on our first meeting, I was the one who'd blurted out "I've never wanted to marry anyone but if it were you, I think I could". I'm still baffled I could even blurt something like that out, but I did, so I'll stand by that.

No idea what the future has in store, and if we'll stay like this permanently or not, but I don't think it'd be earth-shattering if it did end – but it IS looking pretty good as it is now, and it's good that it's nice now. It's definitely a vibe.

Hopefully that can help a little? TwT But yeah, I wasn't trying in the first place to get any kind of relationship like that, so I guess my original situation is slightly different... Either way I wish you all the best and I hope you can find something that works for you!!

[t4transsexual]

hey, I'm a transhet gal who recently got broken up with because my (also trans) boyfriend ended up figuring out that he wasn't sexually attracted to women. last night I even broke down crying because I felt like I didn't even deserve love, and although I'm doing better, I'm... still not doing great and could use some positivity for t4t stuff, if you can. id like to believe I can really find a trans man who would like me, but every transmasc that I've met irl has either been gay or ace. I've tried a lot of online stuff regarding st4t relationships, but most have just ended up in me being ghosted after a few days. it's probably because I'm too clingy and needy :c

if you don't mind me asking as well, how did you and your girlfriend meet? maybe that'll encourage me a bit too.

hey, ive also broken up with folks. sometimes relationships dont work out. its not because youre trans or t4t or even st4t, its just how relationships go. most people dont find the "right person" the first time around, it actually took me a long time of dating folks, even specifically other trans people, to find my girlfriend

i personally dont know any straight trans guys myself unfortunately, i only know straight trans girls personally, but ive met several trans guys who are at least het leaning (: youll find one!

i actually met my girlfriend over instagram, we were instagram mutuals for the longest time before getting together. its crazy how we met online befause theyre very offline, but i think thats just the universe making it happen<3 we're medium distance btw!

i wish you luck! love ya!<3

[javaghoul]

Uuuuh idk I guess off of that, when people relate to him because he's "hard" or "tough" or "cool" I always feel really. Weird.

I know a lot of people relate to him because he's severely traumatized and still pushing through. A lot of people want to be glorified like he does. That's fine - that's their prerogative. But I can't see you as cool or even edgy if you relate to him, yanno? He gets reduced to his aesthetics a lot and while I understand the ghoul perception of him (which is similar to some of these peoples'), we as an audience get to see him much deeper than that. Focusing only on the things he's doing that Look Cool and not breaking them down or comparing them to him as a character is always such a loss to me. I feel like a lot of the people I meet - esp IRL - that like TG often don't understand it, they just think Kaneki is cool and tragic, and THEY wanna be cool and tragic, yanno?

It's their business - idc what kind of person u are or u project urself to be. I'm more mourning the characterization of Kaneki himself as I watch it get twisted into this super cool super powered edgelord who's ONLY cold and detached now. A coldblooded killer who doesn't care about anything. A lone wolf.

No... No no no. It's cool you see yourself that way but you're SO missing the point with him. Projecting that onto him is doing this pansy such a disservice 😭 If you met him in person you'd hate him, you'd think he's a whiny bitch (cuz he is lowkey)

- Same anon as last time. 👽

yay hi again Alien Anon 👽

I haven't met anyone in real life who feel that they hugely relate to any of the Kanekis' (or spoken to anyone online who do), so I can't really agree or disagree with what you've said. I can believe it happening though. I have noticed that Kaneki will get thrown in with lots of other anime characters that fit into the aesthetics as you called it, when he seems like the outlier of said group (possibly because I'm more familiar with his story idk). When Kaneki is mentioned outside the TG fandom, it's a very specific evolution of him that is talked about: Post-aogiri, pre-interacting with touka again kaneki, with no mention of his background, who he was, and who he becomes.

How do you feel about him being compared to Ayato?

I've always seen Kaneki as a vehicle for the real story of Tokyo Ghoul rather than it being HIS story. He isn't a character that I think I'd get along with in real life despite having things in common with him (being orphaned, let down by family etc) and I can't imagine a much younger me ever relating/idolising him in any sort of way as -like you said- he's kinda whiny, silly, and pathetic at times.

I mean, he gets there in the end, but he takes several country miles in getting there.

This is me reaching, but maybe people like to relate to him because they like the turning point where Kaneki stops giving a shit and starts getting fighty about it. He's spent his life getting treated like crap, then he has the enough is enough moment and takes it out on the world. I think there's people that daydream about being able to do that. Could it be a bit of wish fulfillment?

You put things more eloquently than I did, so I don't think I contributed anything, but thanks for writing this! I feel that Kaneki is an off-limits character to criticize so it's refreshing when someone expresses a different opinion on him.

Oh and to add, you said people perceive him as tough: I've never seen him as tough lol, survivor definitely. But then my definition of "tough" is having shit things happen to you and not allowing it to completely change you/your life (for the worst) if that makes sense, so that's a personal thing

[mystudydiary-blog]

I saw your post on friendships and I wanted to let you know, there is nothing wrong with having only one friend. Most people actually only have very few close friends. My Mom has 3 but she's only met two of them in real life. I myself had 1 but we've become distant so now I don't really have any IRL friends anymore.

All of my friendships are online. I cannot even imagine having a friend since childhood, never happened for me. Every time I moved (around 31 times) my entire friendbase would reset to zero and I'd have to start over from scratch.

I've tried time and again to keep in touch with people and make it work. It doesn't. There is nothing wrong with having that one friend as your main friend. There is equally nothing wrong with wanting to hang out with said friend.

If he wants to spend time with his other friends, he'll probably decline an invite. Telling yourself that you're capitalizing his time is not fair to him, let him make his decision on who he wants to hang with and when. It's also not fair to you!

I don't know what happened in your life that put those negative thoughts there, but the thoughts are liars. You're not driving anyone away with them being your 1 friend. If anything, it's a source of pride like "holy heck, I made the cut when no one else did."

He sounds like an extrovert because he has other friends and is always meeting with people. And if he's stuck around with you since y'all were 12, I don't think he's going to bail on you just because you don't have anyone else to hang with. He's stayed with you this long, you're allowed to ask to hang out as friends.

If you're really concerned, and that's legit–I do that too, you could always ask to hang with him AND his other friends. Maybe meet people through him so you can expand your friend base a bit.

You could also try inviting coworkers to hang outside of work, or if you're in school still try to connect with classmates. No one is required to have copious amounts of friends and you gotta question just how close they are if they have 20 friends. The benefit of having just a few is that you get to know each other really well.

Don't sweat the fact you have 1 friend and don't convince yourself you're being a burden or that you're going to drive him away or that you're putting unnecessary pressure on him.

It's on him to communicate if he feels pressured or not. Don't let your negative thoughts control you or your beautiful friendship. Don't sweat it, revel in the fact you have one awesome friend that stuck around from childhood, and be open to meeting new people from school/work or even through your friend.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you so much, i really needed to hear this. I don't know why i feel like this because i had a pretty normal childhood but i just can't fathom why anyone would want to be my friend. That's probably a good topic for therapy lol. Sometimes i'm just a bit lonely and it's good to remember that online friends are also valid .

Anyway i'm going to try to go to more events/hobby stuff this year and maybe i'll meet some people there :)

Also i can't imagine having to move 31 times, that must be so difficult!

Thanks again for these kind words, i'll remember it every time i feel a bit down. Hope you have a wonderful day 💕

[rainbowgaez]

long ramble because i just dropped my gf off at the airport and I am a fucking mess with too many thoughts in my brain

over the last couple weeks, i finally met one of my partners—the one ive been with longer than ive been with literally anyone else in my life. despite being together since mid 2016, this was the first time we both had the wherewithal to make a visit happen, and while that may seem like it took way too long, for a lot of reasons that you don't need to know, it couldn't have happened at a more perfect time.

she flew in on the 26th and immediately i knew we would get along just as easily as we had online for years before then. both of us have always talked about how quiet and introverted we are, but it was one of those things where i didn't know if we were going to truly vibe irl until it happened, even if both of us were pretty sure we would.

we always talked abt how the first car ride from the airport was going to be awkward—it's a 3 hour drive from my place to there. both of us are slow to work up to physical affection, but when i picked her up, it wasn't but like ten or twenty minutes into the ride before we were wrapped up in each other. it just clicked. that's so incredibly rare for me with anyone. even partners ive established intimacy with, i usually have to re-warm up to them after time apart. so the fact that we connected so quickly when we first met was so special.

im a pretty boring, solitary person. my favorite activities are ones in which it's quiet and i can do my own thing. this is always a bit scary for me. i don't want to bore anyone just because my brain only ever feels like engaging with what it wants. but that wasn't a problem with her—quite the opposite, actually. we could just sit there and quietly do our own thing in my room, and it felt every bit as special as it would if we went out and did things. there was no pressure for either of us. we settled into each other's patterns instantly. within days, it felt like she'd been living with us all along. i wished that were the case.

distance is hard. it's a lot of counting. how many miles apart you are. how many hours, days it would take to close the gap. how much time will it be before you can be together for real.

and then, when you plan a visit, it becomes about counting down, and that's so exciting. you start counting the months until it's time. before you know it, you're counting the weeks. it's something to look forward to. something to hang on to.

but the moment you meet, the countdown isnt exciting anymore. it gets a lot harder. you might still have weeks to count, but before you know it, weeks become days. days become hours. hours become minutes. minutes become mile markers, and mile markers become exits, exits become streets, streets become steps, and steps become seconds spent holding each other, waiting for the other to pull away because it's the last thing you want to do. but you have to. that's the only way to start the count over. and that sucks. because you dont get to know how long it's going to be until way later. but just the same, you don't know when the next countdown will be the last one. it's the most terrifying assurance there is.

i feel blessed that me, her, and all my partners exist in the same time, in a reality where we have the ability to connect to each other despite how unlikely the chances of us ever meeting were. i feel lucky to live in a world where, one day, a silly string of text like @nudist-squid can be the first name i know someone who will eventually become one of the most important people in my life by.

but at the same time, im heartbroken and devastated. it feels cruel that we met because of certain circumstances, and yet we exist so far away for those same reasons. and closing that gap takes so much from both of us, and there's no promise we can ever close it for good. but if I can help it, I certainly want to try.

this summer has been dogshit. ive been through so much unnecessary bullshit, and when things have been looking to improve, something else happens. but this was the most wonderful bookend to a dismal season i could have asked for.

thanks for reading.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

my vday confession... there is this girl i have been seeing for a bit over half a year now and i think she might really be the one. we used to vaguely know each other and hang out in the same online spaces almost a decade ago but then fell out of touch forever and then randomly by pure chance ran into each other irl and we just clicked together so perfectly, it is amazing. it feels like it was meant to be the way we just get along so well and feel so comfortable together... most other relationships in my life ive kind of just gone along with people liking me and trying my best to be good to them and stuff but with her it feels like this is what i really want and i have a future together with her... its amazing to know that love is real and it finally came for me :) i cant be with her today sadly but tomorrow we are gonna cook a yummy meal together and i am so excited hehehe... i hope you are full of warm and happy feelings this day as well n_n

this is so wonderfull!!!!!! really reminds me of how it felt to meet slimbo irl too.. i just felt so profoundly comfortable around them, like the second we met up we never stopped talking n i quickly realized i could be my total unfiltered self in their presence. we were in vancouver & spent a whole day together literally skipping and dancing around the city while i was playing bladee from my phone speakers, we were singing so loudly all day long. it rly felt like our souls finally reunited from a past life connection and we were celebrating <3

before that i also felt the same way like i was constantly trying to go along with what others want, accept their projections, try to please them.. but slimbo never made me feel projected onto or like i have to work hard to become their 'dream girl', it's like my true natural self is already perfect for them, and vice versa. im so glad u have this special type of love too anon..i pray it lasts many lifetimes <333

to those who wish for this kind of love, never give up.. i wasnt ready to receive it until i was 30.. and it just came out of the blue so suddenly. U never know whats just around the corner. tysm for this lovely confession anon hope u have a nice time with your love tomorrow xx -PMD9

[kiraiberry]

Idia x Silver [Twisted Wonderland]

Doom Flag

Reverse comfort, fluff, Silver x Idia, Sildia

Lilia was leaving. If it wasn't the most obvious thing in the world. Lilia had announced it himself at the third years' initiation conference where everyone had gathered to discuss their plans for the future, which was kinda something Idia hadn't exactly, well he hadn't liked the idea of it at all in the first place, and the other third years had made a huge ruckus about him being employed at Olympus. With Idia being the Keeper of the Underworld, family business and all that, it was only for a short term anyways, so he didn't see what they were so excited about. It wasn't anything of an achievement to speak of. His thoughts revolved more around his boyfriend, Silver.

 Lilia was his father, Silver had revealed that to him. Silver often talked about Lilia, and the childhood days spent with his loving, sometimes teasing fae father in the forest. Idia had only met Lilia a few times, and he reminded Idia of someone he knew fairly well online- no way, Muscle Kurenai and Lilia could never be the same person. Could they?

Muscle Kurenai had left gaming and all Idia wanted was to coop himself up in his room and cry, but then he thought of Silver. About how it must hurt him, the excruciating pain he must feel about his father leaving. Idia had never been close to his parents, but he knew Silver must be hurting. A lot. Silver just didn't show it. He had his usual stoic expression and understanding responses on default mode the whole time, but Idia could tell that he had the slightest of tears in his eyes. No one could really tell these small things about Silver, given that the prince-like boy always had the same, poker face almost everytime he spoke. His surprised expression, his happy expression were only shown with a slight widening of eyes or a small curve of his lips upward- things Idia never failed to catch. Silver had him head over heels for him, and there wasn't a thing about Silver he didn't know. At least he thought. 

Crap, I sound like some kinda shoujo protag rn, bye. 

He swerved around slightly on his gaming chair and stared at his computer screen, tears still fresh in his eyes as he ran his fingers over Muscle Kurenai's goodbye message. He wished he could meet him. Oh wait, even if he did, Muscle Kurenai wouldn't ever like him anyways. He was a useless, weird looking, lame, gloomy shut-in. 

Silver's words rang in his mind. 

You're not useless at all, Idia. You're very kind and have strengths of your own. I admire you for all of those strengths of yours. Do not put yourself down. 

Silver who needed him now. 

Idia, I love you. 

Silver who was on the verge of tears, back in the cafeteria, though he didn't really show it. 

If you are feeling down, I suggest we go for a walk. My father said it often helps. Don't worry, I know a place where people don't often go. I could perhaps introduce you to some animals? If that would help you. 

Silver who was trembling ever so slightly when his father revealed he was leaving forever, but regained his composure. 

I made you some coffee- don't push yourself too much. 

Silver needed him. Idia was down, sure he was, but more important than that, was the one person who always cheered him up when he was down. Idia knew he couldn't do it, he'd never talked comfortably to someone irl before Silver came along, and consoling someone was super ooc for him- but this was Silver he was talking about. He had to try. Silver always put his troubles aside and prioritized helping Idia. If he put Silver aside to prioritize himself, that'd make him the laughing-stock of the decade, maybe failure of the century. 

"Nii-san?" Ortho's worried voice reached his ears, a hint of concern in his eyes, but Idia didn't respond as he fidgeted with the sleeves of his oversized hoodie, eyes fixated on the screen. It was only after a long silence that he spoke. 

"Ortho, can you detect Silver on the campus for me?" Idia asked. Ortho immediately complied with his request and started a scan for Silver on the campus. 

"Target detected, 130 m away from the school main building." Ortho replied mechanically after a few minutes. He turned  to his elder brother for a possible response as to why he'd made Ortho detect Silver. 

"Thanks." was all Idia offered before he wiped his tears on his sleeves and dashed out. Ortho had almost never seen his brother like this, and it was quite surprising to him, concerning even. He just hoped nothing was wrong. 

–

It took Idia a while to find where Silver was, given that he'd dashed off without his tablet or Ortho in a hurry, which was a stupid decision, maybe most stupid decision of his life, okay maybe not most since he'd done plenty of cringe things in his life. His legs were giving out from all the running, and as if that wasn't bad already, it started snowing. Where was Silver, for the Sevens' sake?! Frustration etched itself onto Idia's expression, but faded away as he heard low whimpers. 

"S-Silver??" Idia made his way carefully towards Main Street where Silver sat, stifling tears as he stared with blurry eyes at the white snow gathered under him. The snow was a pure and ethereal colour, just like Silver's soft hair, that Idia always liked to run his hand through, feeling Silver nuzzle into his touch as he slept on one of the many days that the knight slept over with the Ignihyde housewarden. 

"Idia-?" Silver's voice was shaky as he lifted glazed auroral eyes to look at him, as his arms trembled, from the cold or the pain, or maybe both. Idia felt his heart crack at the sight of Silver's tears, his heart wrenched as Silver tried to stop his tears. "I-I'm sorry about your online friend-"

"Stop." Idia placed a hand in the air to silence Silver then placed a hand on his cold, pale cheek. Silver seemed to ease up under his touch as more tears spilled from his eyes. "My online friend- I'll be emo over that later, kk? You need me rn and I'd be stupid to not notice that." Idia carefully pulled Silver into his chest, in a warm embrace. 

Silver leaned into him and wrapped his arms around Idia's waist. A warm feeling crept its way into Idia's heart as he ran his hand through Silver's hair, rubbing Silver's back with his other hand. 

"H-He's leaving-" it was rare to hear Silver stutter, and it absolutely crushed Idia's heart. "I-I was planning to repay him with m-my life- he'll be gone- Idia- what do I do?" Silver looked up at him with a mixture of inquisitiveness and hopelessness in his eyes, as if he were lost in a dream and wanted to wake up. Usually it was Idia who asked Silver to comfort him, not the other way around. He'd read lots of mangas and reverse comfort fanfics- but it was always puzzling to Idia, he had no idea what to say. What if he ended up saying something that'd hurt or annoy Silver?

Don't give up before you try. You can do it. 

Silver's soft voice reverberated in his heart. The very Silver who was crying now. Who was in so much pain he felt hopeless. Idia kissed Silver's forehead then placed his own forehead against Silver's, looking down at their intertwined hands as he ran a thumb across Silver's slender, bruised fingers, rough from training. 

"Honestly, idk either. I know you loved Lilia-shi a lot, and he's kinda my father-in-law too, technically. It hurts for me too, since Muscle Kurenai left. So, I'm prolly of the same mind as you. I mean, someone important leaving, thats literally a doom flag." Idia knew he wasn't helping at all. He was dumb. A dumb, stupid idiot. Still, Silver kept listening carefully to him, hanging on to each word. Oh, how Idia loved his prince. That gave Idia the strength to continue. 

"But, y'know, we can't exactly change things. Whoever's gonna leave, ends up leaving. We feel like we're useless and all that stuff at the time but- we didn't sign them up for the angst genre. Nor can we actually convince them to stay. And sometimes, maybe ig, [THIS LINE IS OVERUSED, IDIA SWEARS], we should let them go if we love them. And all that stuff. And we should be happy and move on," Idia tucked a loose strand of Silver's hair behind his ear. "-cause thats what they would want too." Idia managed a small smile, which hopefully wasn't his usual SSS tier creepy one. 

"Mm." Silver's grip on him slightly tightened, but never too much. Silver had enormous strength, but he always treated Idia gently, so as to never hurt him or overwhelm him with too much physical touch. Which added to Idia's long list of reasons about why he loved Silver. Idia wiped a stray tear from the corner of Silver's eye, his beautiful eyes that captivated Idia whenever he looked into them. Idia leant in bravely and kissed the corner of his boyfriend's eye, something which made Silver's eyes widen and a slight blush spread across his face as a grateful smile tugged the corners of his lips upwards. 

"Thank you, Idia." he murmured as he embraced Idia again, tears now at bay. Idia gently rubbed his back in silence. "I love you." Silver whispered, at which the tips of Idia's hair turned a shy pink. 

"I love you too." Idia felt his face heat up as he wrapped his arms around Silver, who had started to fall asleep in his arms. 

"Hold on, I'll get an umbrella or smths- I've got something else to bring too." Idia grinned. A warm drink would cheer Silver up. They'd gaze at the wintry sky together. It'd def cheer Silver up. Silver nodded slightly, then tugged Idia down by the sleeve wordlessly. The taller male glanced at him curiously, but not for long. Idia's eyes widened as Silver's cold, sweet lips fell on his in a gentle kiss, a quick one, but one that lingered on his lips long after it faded. 

"I'll wait for you. At the-" he paused for a second to keep his tears from spilling out again. "-farewell party." 

"Yeah." Idia smiled. Not exactly what he'd planned, but well, maybe the party would cheer Silver up. He didn't wanna go, but for today, he was willing to throw himself into any kind of  impossible event or tedious grind irl- he just wanted to be there for Silver.

Little did he know that they wouldn't meet for that promise. 

[silvmoonsky]

tbh i’ve done stupid shit in the past regarding internet safety but the amount of younger teens i’ve seen fully giving out their information on the internet to people they’ve known for only a few weeks or a few months is so crazy like…. there is only one person i’ve met online that knows my full name and i literally trust her with my life considering i’ve known her since i was 11 (if you see this you know who you are ily). a handful of people know my first name (which i honestly regret; it’s some of the stupid shit i’ve done). but i feel like that was pretty tame compared to what i’m seeing now? i never shared socials. i’ve hardly shared pictures without my face mostly covered/deleting it after. but especially recently i’ve seen so many more teenagers posting pictures of themselves in online spaces that they’ve literally just entered, and sharing their irl socials with people they’ve barely had time to form bonds with. and maybe this is just me being paranoid, but i find people are moving through the steps of getting to know internet friends so much faster, to the point where most teens nowadays feel like it’s necessarily to share your irl name and pictures of yourself to literal strangers on the internet. that mindset is so terrifying. like sure you could run into 20 safe friends, but what if you run into that 1 person who wants to harm you and has all the information to do so? what then? the oversharing is ridiculous because not every single person you ever meet needs to know every single detail about your life. there is no way to backtrack once you’ve given someone all that information. but most teenagers find it normal to share all that. and i wish more teenagers would be more paranoid, but in a world where the fast pace of the internet is the norm, it doesn’t look like that’s changing anytime soon. and that is absolutely horrifying, because even if the concept of internet friends is more widespread and therefore you’re more likely to find real people on the other side of the screen, it is still the internet. and you never know what could actually happen.

[notallbloodmages]

One of my friends from ff14 passed away mid-April. I only found out because his house that we shared got demo'd this last round. He frequently logged on just to make sure it didn't get demo'd. I was already worried when I hadn't seen him for two weeks, but I got really worried then. So I messaged him on Discord, and a few days later, I got a message from his family with what happened.

It was weird telling our free company. I was sort of the only person who talked to him very often. So I got a lot of condolences and it felt..awkward.

Between the first reply and the one with more details, I hoped it was a cruel prank. Maybe someone stole his Discord info, or something. He wasn't exactly a prankster, but I thought maybe something awful happened irl and he turned mean? I dunno. I would have forgiven him probably. Even with proof I feel like any minute I'll see him log on and feel the relief wash over me.

It's weird when an online friend dies. My memory is shit, and I feel like I didn't know him at all in a way. I know he collected Miku and Touhou figs. I know he had a lot of tattoos and what style they were in. But when his family asked if I had any fun stories or anything, I felt like I was lying. I couldn't remember any single moment. I spent so much time with him doing treasure maps, fashion, deep dungeon runs, MSQ prog. And yet I couldn't remember anything. I somehow never managed to take any screenshots together. I never wrote down anything in my ff14 journal besides my garden schedule. I was able to tell them how we met in-game, because that's always going to stick in my mind.

He last logged in the day before he died. I know I was online that day, but I don't remember if I talked to him.

I didn't know what he sounded like. I never got to hug him. I didn't even know he was only a couple states away! He never indicated that he was depressed, so I never considered telling him how I would do anything for him. I would have driven there, any time, to meet up.

I feel so stupid for crying so much. Every couple hours I just...I can't stand it.

general content warning under the cut

He committed suicide. He did it the day after he last logged in. I thought, after surviving a couple already, that I would be smarter and know when someone was considering it. I thought that with how candid he always was with his feelings, he'd tell me something was wrong. It's so selfish to think I could have done anything, and also very normal. I just wish I'd kept better track of our conversations. I wish I'd made sure to write down when we hung out in a party.

He didn't have a facebook or a anything, there's no way for me to read about him unless I ask his family. No way for me to look at pictures or posts or anything written by him besides the message in my ffxiv house book, and his tattoo posts on the SA forums.

I re-made one of my retainers in his image, in his favorite glamour. I'm trying to bid on his previous house plot. I'm trying not to talk about him in FC chat, but the house came up when people were talking about last second bids. It's just weird. I feel weird in our FC now. I'm already made fun of by at least one member for being "the oversharer." Everyone already knows I'm sensitive as fuck. It's hard to act normal.

[jaylikesrainbowtigers]

Tag game, Stranger things edition

@hargrove-mayfields tagged me so you know I have to do this. Thank you so much!!

Ride or die ship: Hollogrove. Heather and Billy are my bread and butter. Like so much of my stranger things content is them. I just love them healing and growing together.

Most annoying ship: St*ncy. I just hate it. What Nancy did to Steve was kind of something you can’t return from. I have seen the effects of a similar relationship on one of my irl besties and I would never wish it on anyone. I would cry if that ship happened in S5.

3. Second favourite ship: Either Elumax (platonic Elucas) or Eddie x Chrissy x Steve x Jonathan (with Jonathan, Eddie and Steve dating Argyle and Chrissy dating Robin. If someone has a ship name please suggest in the comments). I adore these ships as the developed relationships there are just *chef’s kiss* but the people who haven’t met? Just so much cute potential for love!

4. Favourite platonic dynamic: Stobin is my platonic tea. I adore Steve and Robin and believe whole heartedly that they are disabled besties. Platonic soulmates.

5. Underrated ship: Hollogrove obviously but Cunningway, Cheerscoops, Photocheer, Stargyle, and Murrlexi. Those ships are also so top tier but underrated. There are so many more.

6. Overrated ship: M*leven. Again I hate it. It is so teenage abuse romanticized. And too many people think that it is healthy or OTP. To be honest, Mike is a bit of an ick for me anyway.

7. One thing to change in canon: Destroy any hints or hopes of St*ncy or M*leven or any abusive relationship. Stop the characters putting up with it, to the extent that it is romanticized. Abuse is not good or something to be idealized. And actually include canon disabilities please.

8. One thing canon did right: Making Robin a lesbian and allowing Max and Eleven to have a strong friendship which is not focused on the boys. That trope is so overused so I am glad it was not used.

9. A thing I am proud of creating for the fandom: I am really proud of my Hollogrove stuff because there is so little content for my babies. But some of my work for @disabledbillyandsteveweek is also something I am super proud of and I can’t wait to show people.

10. A character who is perfect to me: Heather Holloway is my queen. Like she is so sweet and caring but obviously has so much depth potential. The Duffers really made a mistake not giving her more screen time. They could have done so much.

11. Most relatable character and why: Robin is the most relatable character for me. Her social awkwardness and passion for certain topics is really relatable to me. We are both band kids, lesbians and we even look fairly alike!

12. Character I hate most and why: Karen. Moral trash who willing flirted and tried to seduce a child her daughters age. She also put down other teenagers simply because she was being petty??? Like she is the adult in this situation. Even though she backed out of meeting Billy, the fact that she ever flirted with him is creepy. If you reversed the genders, the fandom would be freaking out and be like it’s so creepy!! It’s still the same situation?? Of course, it is creepy. Neil Hargrove is a close second.

13. Something I have learned from the fandom: To be more confident in sharing my opinions and work. Before I met a lovely group of people in the fandom I was so scared of being attacked for my preferences in the fandom but they showed me that despite us all not shipping or producing the same thing, we can all still support and respect each other. It really helped my social anxiety around sharing stuff, particularly for this fandom, online.

14. Three tags I seek out on ao3: I don’t actually read much stranger things on ao3 but Hollogrove, Hellcheer, and fantasy au’s are probably my top three for the fandom. I really want to see more fantasy au’s that aren’t just werewolves or vampires. I might actually write one now.

15: A song I strongly associate with otp and/or my favourite character: Pretty Brown Eyes by Cody Simpson for Hollogrove for a YouTube edit I saw. Love that song for them. Love Story by Taylor Swift is a close second.

I’m tagging @stranger-themes-blog, @carito-dorito , @mrsblackruby , @iloveyoubillyhargrove. Please don’t feel obligated to do this but I thought that I would share this with other stranger things fans.

[music-for-them-asses]

Feeling really sad after work because online friends are a blessing and a curse. I love y'all and I've made so many amazing friendships on here, people I wouldn't have ever met otherwise. But the curse is that I can't hang out with y'all in person at a moment's notice. I can't just ask you to get dinner or come over to watch a movie when I'm bored. Only one of my friends lives close to me and if they're busy, then I have no one. All my other friends live at least 40-60 minutes away driving and I only get to see them in person about once a month. My other best friends live in other states. I just feel so lonely sometimes. I wish I had someone who lived near me that was into the same shit as me. It's so hard meeting people after college. And I just feel so alone. I wish I could just hang out with y'all irl.

[autisticlee]

almost every time I have met online friends irl, they stop talking to me either immediately after or very soon after, usually after increasingly acting weird or distant towards me. it makes me feel awful. and then i'm afraid to meet anyone irl again.

I feel so silly and stupid that I have a lowkey fear creeping below the surface about going to visit my friend and their gf this summer. what if they end up hating me 🙃 i've thought about mentioning it to my friend, but I don't want to make them feel bad about it!!!!!! it's not their fault I feel this gross fear. they didn't do anything to make it happen. they're super excited and always tell me about it!! i'm the one that is struggling to feel excited because i'm haunted by past experiences that will not stop repeating like i'm stuck in an endless loop of hell!!!!! 😭

I try to remind myself that thos friend also

I seem to give off this bad vibe irl that everyone except me notices and it makes people want to avoid me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it but I wish I could!!!! perhaps i'm just simply not likable 🥲 i've had people want to be roommates and act like best friends meet me irl and suddenly start avoiding me until they straight-up ghost me. I don't understand 😔

i'm very willing to work on myself....if I knew wtf was wrong with me!!!!! but I do not!!

I also fear it's something I can't change and it's something that's part of me, so I literally can't do anything unless I mask and become a fake person. but that's so uncomfortable and lonely in itself and feels pointless. what if it's just normal autism traits and people are assholes???? then I have no choice in the matter.

everyone tells me i'll ~find the right ones~ or whatever. befriend other autistic or ND people. but it never matters. they all end up the same in the end!!!!! fellow autistic and adhd people have hurt me MORE than NTs!!! do you know how many times I thought I did find "the right people," made them promise to not do what the last ones did, promise to respect my needs and boundaries, and promise to be honest and talk everything out, but then a little while down the way they do exactly the same shit they promised not to that everyone else did?!

when the same shit keeps happening over and over, at what point does it stop being "other people are the assholes" and become "im obviously the problem" ??????? i'll have people tell me it's not me that's the problem. it's other people. those same people will become "the other people" themselves. so is it REALLY them that's the problem, or am I too goddamn stupid to know what's wrong with me and what i'm doing wrong ?!

sometimes people will put a blame on me but not tell me why it's me. just a broad statement with no details that point fingers at me. "you're gaslighting me" (after opening up to a close friend group about a difficult thing I had just experienced and that was the response one gave and then completely ghosted with no explanation, leading to the whole group abandoning me)

sometimes people will complain about certain things I can't help. "you ruined my whole day!" (some girl telling me this, a few months later after kicking me out of a group. I needed help navigating nyc subway to the bus station because my phone GPS didn't work there and she said it was ok, she'd gladly help me. then yelled at me about it a while later when she got mad about something else, about how I ruined her day that time by making her help me and being a burden 🙃✌️)

sometimes someone will drop out basically mid conversion, get extremely distant, go from replying with novels to one word replies until not responding at all, then suddenly block me a year later after ignoring me. only to come at me with "you stopped caring about me and haven't messaged me in a year" despite our last messages being me saying I miss them, them saying they've been busy (despite having the time to talk to multiple other people and ppat their message screenshots online every day and be online all the time) and me responding telling them to message me when they aren't busy so we can chat again, but never getting a response!!) only for them to admit they muted me and didn't want to talk to me "for no reason" they literally said that to me lmao wtf. how is there "no reason"

sometimes it IS them that's the problem though. like one girl who accused me of liking her and sabotaged our whole friendship based on these baseless delusions she had. sje decided she was going to "choose" to be straight (she's bi) and decided i'm a "man" (I was trans masc and starting my transition at the time, but am actually nonbinary. it was just required to be trans masc where I live to get treatment. nb people aren't allowed) and she decided guys and girls can't ever be "just friends" she even got very upset at me when I told her she's wrong and not even my type and i'm asexual/probably aromantic. she claims I ~knew saying that would hurt her~ because she apparently told me that kind of thing hurts her before. I did not know this, she never told me this. that's also a weird thing to think/say??? saying it upsets you that someone ISNT attracted to you but also being upset and ruining the friendship if they are??? what the fuck lmao. goofy behavior. I thought she'd be delighted to hear she was wrong about that but nope. she wanted to feel good that someone liked her even if it cost the friendship. haha weird 🙃 she also talked shit about me being autistic at one point lol. fellow ND being a ND hater. sue was all kinds of messed up, but at least I knew it was for sure her that was the problem and not me this one time. but she wasted so much of my time and energy that I can't get back.

it's not always clear why people do what they do, and it drives me insane until I can figure it out. most of the time I cannot. so I go on knowing i'll unknowingly fuck everything up yet again. it feels guaranteed.

I just want a stable and comfortable friendship that's close and secure. one I know will last. one where I can relax and enjoy the time with the other person and not have to be hyperaware of every little detail and look out for potential patterns I recognize that every friendship seems to fall into just like the last, that will lead to the same shit. then force me to have to try harder to save the friendship before it gets worse!!!! but trying seems to make it worse somehow. I don't fuckijg know.

I AM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE. i've reached the point where I don't have the energy or willpower to try getting closer with anyone and have to sit here feeling lonely and disconnected from everyone. I don't feel like I have even one single person I can trust or rely on. not one. if I go to anyone, i'll just burden and annoy them. they can say I won't all the want, but that's always a lie. always. last time I trusted a group wo told me that, I got told I was gaslighting them. not told why or how. but apparently losing a thing important to me and confiding in my closest friends about it is "gaslighting" now and is justification to cancel me from our group trip and then not invite me back into the group chat when I switch accounts LOL.

after that shit, I just cannot. I genuinely thought that were "THE ONES" you know, those mythical "the right people" i'm alwaus being told about thar apparently exist. but every time I find them, I am wrong. so I have no fucking clue what to even look for. they seemed so good at first!!!! how do I find better???? and how do I not fuck it up wven thought I can't figure out what the FUCK I did wrong by sharing a very deep, personal, important thing with my closet trusted friends?!

if "the right people" can't even accept me then wtf am I supposed to do??? I feel like I either deserve this, not having friends or anyone to rely on, or I just have to accept that i'll always be alone. maybe I can have little casual surface friendships....but I'll never have anything deeper and closer. i'll never have the type of thing I feel I need that's hard to explain. maybe it's just the trust of knowing something will last and is stable. i've never had that. i've been walking on egg shells my whole life around everyone. and its so uncomfortable and sucks. it makes me feel so goddamn lonely. especially when I see everyone else has their person or people.

and don't get me wrong, i'm fine with being alone by myself. if I lock myself up and don't see or pay attention to others, i'm perfectly fine and don't feel lonely. it's as soon as I see other people being together, and ESPECIALLY when i'm woth other people that I feel this deep and painful sad/loneliness that doesn't go away until i'm away from people for a while again. but even of i'm enjoying my alone time, there's often things I want to do that require others, so I can't do them and it makes me feel bad. my old therapist telling me last time I was avoiding people due to (unknown at the time) autistic burnout, that we are a social species and require interaction with other people, so I NEED to make friends and interact with others always echos in my mind. I wish I DIDNT need others and can lock myself up alone forever. that feel less painful than trying to be with others. seeing and being with others makes me feel awful and alone. being literally alone feels comfortable and not lonely, most of the time. as long as I have a single-person hyperfocus to occupy my entire existence with.

but despite feeling like this, the burnout I hit from losing several important things to me at once about a couple years ago and my friend group ditching me when I needed them most is debilitating and still going strong. I feel like this is my new permanent state of being. I don't have the energy to put any effort into friendhips. if they don't maintain themsleves or the other person doesn't put in most of the effort, I WILL let it die and act like I don't give a fuck (I do, I just don't have the power to stop it). it's all on the other person's shoulders to carry the friendship the way I carried all the ones in my past. it's my turn to be the unresponsive friend who doesn't put in effort and responds with one word. not because I secretly hate the person/friendhipz but because i'm perpetually burnt out and literally can't do much anymore. I just can't.

that doesnt mean I can't keep complaining about how lonely and disconnected I feel!!! just because i'm not trying to fix it doesn't mean my feelings are invalid! "just keep trying" only works for people who have the ability to try. my ability was destroyed and am now unable. I would need a miracle of a person who puts in enough effort and genuinely cares enough about me to nurse me out of burnout hell to the point where I can put full trust and faith into them and call them my best friend.

but I doubt that will happen. I won't believe it until I see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being "positive" and hoping for the best keeps biting me in the ass and makes the fall hurt even more. I do not have the spoons and willpower and energy for that again i'm sorry 😭

wow this was a long ramble. it's taken me 2 hours to write this. I just wrote exactly what my brain was saying and rambled off topic. this was originally supposed to be about how, while I want to be excited to visit my friend and their gf, it's really hard to because all my past experiences make FEAR lurk around every corner.

I expressed an anxiety to my friend about the trip but only said it was about going to the airport and flying for the first time ever. and alone at that. if I tell them about this little hell demon on my shoulder, it may upset them. they're always telling me how they're so excited and I can't ruin that!!!! the more excited they are, the more comfortable/less worried I feel i'm allowed to be about it??? I NEED that energy personally. and I want them to keep that for themsleves as well. especially when it's not that I don't trust THEM. I don't trust myself. I could do any number of things wrong and make a good, fun, exciting trip go bad, or create a bad after-effect that makes it all slowly break down after. my friend expressed even wanting me to move in with them and their gf. be roommates. where have I heard that one before lmao. multiple other times before a seemingly good friendship gets destroyed for unknown reasons 😭

I hate that my brain has to live this way thanks to past traumas. cptsd mixed with autism/adhd is literally hell. but when you basically never know if you're the one fucking everything up accidentally, are afraid to hurt someone important again, don't know what a real/healthy friendhip is meant to look like due to never experiencing one, and don't have the energy to deal with this shit anymore, it's impossible to make your brain chill the fuck out.

there is a chance everything will go well and nothing will change. there is a smaller chance things will even improve. I can only hope, even if I know hoping for things ends up hurting more.

"what's the worst that can happen" i'm always asked, as if the person asking thinks nothing bad can happen. imagine being very far away from home and your trusted best friend you're there with betrays and hurts you for who knows what stupid reason, and you're stranded there, alone and upset, with no one around you who cares or wants to help or comfort you. you're treated like a burden and have no one to turn to. you're trapped and alone, surrounded by strangers in a big scary city. your whole world and everything you knew is falling apart in your hands as you try desperately to patch it badk together, but your once trusted person is purposely pulling out the seams. your supposed-to-be-happy experience is forever tainted and ruined. you get blamed for it all when you're confused and lost as to what even happened! it takes years to put the pieces together and come to a conclusion about what and why it happened. but that experience left deep scars that affect everything that comes after.

I don't want want that to happen again lmao. I cant make my brain not have intrusive flashbacks when faced with a similar scenario. it's literally how trauma works.

i've heard you can heal from trauma. but is that possible when the trauma wound constantly gets reopen every time it even starts to heal? if the same shit that caused you trauma keeps happening over and over and over and over....things replying in your head end up repeating themelves despire your best efforts to go a different direction....how do you heal? how do you convince your brain to not feel like this and think these things when it feels like reality rather than a worry since these things have happened literally 100% of the time!

that's the problem. you can't heal a flesh wound by rubbing dirt and shit and sharp objects on it all the time. I feel like the only way to heal is to be able to have someone I can actually trust and reply on. someone who proves to me that they won't become another source of trauma. the wond needs a clean and stable environment to heal in.

but i'm broken. i'm annoying. i'm incredibly boring and have no personality. my interests are few and very weird. i'm not likable to most people or for very long and do and say the wrong things all the time. etc etc. *throws pity party or whatever that's actually based on facts probably because no one proved them wrong yet and idk the real reason so i'm simply guessing* so how am I supposed to make a person do this lmao since you can't force people to like you and be a good friend. I also can't force myself to like people so the person needs to be someone *I* like and feel comfortable and connected with as well. hitting two birds with one stone is.....not easy. especially when you're as clumsy and uncoordinated as me.

hopefully my trip goes well. hopefully a miracle happens and we get closer. but I can't rely on it. I can't even think about it. I keep making myself focus on other things and nkt think. but sometimes something reminds me and then this now THREE HOUR long rant happens. 😭✌️