#like do u know what it is like. to go thru ur entire life. literally since u were born.

[minustwofingers]

exoplanet p.1

masterlist

ellie williams x fem! reader (ur kind of a girly girl in this one sorry)

summary: you’re one of the luckiest people in the world as one of the few families that managed to gain entrance to the most exclusive safezone on earth. after living 19 years of your life in a soft and forgiving world, a lab accident sends you across the country to jackson, wyoming, entirely unprepared and unaware of what awaits you in the real world. its a good thing u run into a hot lesbian wink wink nudge nudge

a/n: now listen now hear me out i know this plot sounds kooky asf and im sorry i literally thought this shit up in a covid fever dream. but anyway i basically blacked out at the keyboard and have about 6k words to show for this weekend and no completed hw. i can’t believe im writing. this im so sorry

warnings: ellie is mean asf at first, reader is clueless and cannot do a pushup, you’re also a little bit of a snob and have a fixation on etiquette.  i promise it gets better just bear w me lMAO. she/her pronouns for the reader, v vanilla violence and explicit language. kinda enemies to lovers vibe

im so sorry u guys idk what got into me this is the goofiest au i’ve ever written ok but i just want ellie to get to learn abt the stars and shit after all she’s been thru she deserves it ok enjoy part 2 coming whenever i finish it.

wc: 6k

It wasn’t that you didn’t know that something bad had happened to the rest of the world. You did. Of course you did. You’d have to be a special kind of stupid to not realize that there was maybe something else going on when no one was allowed outside of the walls and anyone who returned told hushed stories of decimated buildings and piles of corpses.

It was just difficult to grasp the idea of the world you knew no longer existing outside the bounds of the city. To anyone before the pandemic, you’re sure that you lead what seemed like a normal life for any privileged kid.

You had two parents, both of whom loved you very much. You went to an elementary school, then a middle school, and then eventually high school and university. You went shopping with your friends. You watched movies and ate shitty junk food and had first kisses and went on ice cream dates. You studied what captivated your interest the most—space—and threw your soul into learning about the physics of the universe.

You laid on your dorm bed, playing with the edges of your pink comforter as you gossiped with your roommate, Irena, about the professor that she thought was hot and the boy who tried to harass you for your number after you’d finished up getting lunch.

You lived a normal life, which is pretty ironic, because the only reason you got to say that was because you were born to not-normal people who had been at the right place at the right time when the world fell apart.

You see, when everyone got sick, some areas got hit harder than others. And your parents, who were vacationing in some swanky exclusive Canadian resort that only the elite knew about, happened to hit the jackpot.

Not only was their vacation spot the one area in North America with a significant metropolitan population that managed to get enough time to adequately prepare, they happened to be traveling with some big-wig execs that knew a guy who knew a guy who was in the process of evacuating and putting the final touches on a safe zone, Terranova, intended for only the highest rungs of North American society.

So, there you were. Some 25 years or so after the world as your ancestors knew it fell to shit—and you were sipping cappuccinos and getting facials without a care in the world. All because of a lucky vacation.

And, for the record, it’s not that you were ungrateful. You knew that you were lucky to be living in the last place on earth with a semblance of normalcy. What you didn’t know, however, was just how lucky you were, and you didn’t find this out until you made that one stupid mistake in Gunther’s lab.

~

“Morning, Y/N!” called out Professor Gunther, a short, squatty man with a receding hairline so impressive that his forehead now ended halfway up his scalp.

“Morning, Professor,” you said, setting your bag down on the desk, winding your long scarf from around your neck and running a hand through your hair to get the tangles out. The wind outside had been especially fierce for February, which was not ideal given that you'd forgotten your hat at home.

“Guess what I’ve got?” Gunther was smiling, his teeth perfect white squares.

You gasped. “No. It’s already here?”

He said nothing; instead, he pushed forward a slightly battered box with dents and various smudges and marks that were telltale indicators for outside shipments.

“No way,” you said, pulling it into your hands. For a moment you debated using your nails to open the seam, but you’d just gotten them done, so you reached for a pair of scissors on the table.

“This is even more than we need,” you told Gunther, reaching in to pull out a spool of wire that shimmered under the lab lights. “Can I just hook it up now? Or is there something else I should do?”

There was, in fact, something that you should’ve done before going with your pliers and wire. Something about your model wasn’t quite right, but you’d figure that out a little too late.

You see, you and old Professor Gunther were attempting to build a prototype that would enable travel at the speed of light. It did sound insane—and you should’ve known that it was a pipe dream—but you were a space nerd with nearly limitless funding and support from one of the most famous surviving professors in the world. It had been Gunther’s pet project, one that you joined as a research assistant in your first year at the university. Once you’d caught wind of it, you couldn’t stay away, and you two quickly began to form a connection only understood by lonely and isolated academics.

“Go for it,” said Gunther, waving his hand dismissively.

Excitedly, you approached the table, your hands almost shaking as you held the wire. It was a fairly new invention, first used in the creation of Terranova and its walls to effectively make it invisible to the outside world. It boasted a variety of properties that made it academically fascinating and functionally useful. Gunther had had a suspicion that it would be useful in stabilizing the process of disseminating atoms to make light speed travel possible, so you’d placed the order for a couple of spools.

“And I think that’s it,” you said, using your pliers to shape the blunt edge that you had just clipped and plugging it into the circuit board. A purple sheen seemed to vibrate around the bundle of wires and boxes.

Gunther leaned over your shoulder, peering at everything through the spectacles perched on his pudgy nose. “Well done, dear. Say, before we turn this thing on and start running some preliminary tests, would you mind grabbing us some tea from the caf? My treat.”

“Of course,” you said, standing up and brushing your hands off. “Lapsang?”

He nodded. “And anything you’d like.”

You pulled my scarf back on, pulling it snugly around your neck and snatching your bag from the table. The walk to the cafeteria was short, but it was cold enough to require suiting up again. You ordered, paid with Gunther’s card, and sat quietly as you watched the snow fall outside.

It was a beautiful morning. The wind had died down, leaving the snow to fall from the gray skies in fat, puffy flakes. The city outside was quiet, with only the gentle hum of the occasional car to break the silence.

“Y/N! A Lapsang Souchong and a Jasmine Green?”

You leapt up and grabbed the two disposable cups, smiling widely at the barista. “Hey, would you mind throwing a bag of coffee in too?”

“Anything specific?” he asked.

“I don’t know anything about coffee,” you admitted. “Anything that isn’t decaf. It’s for my roommate.”

He nodded and rang you up for the coffee, and you were back on your way.

“My dear!” boomed Gunther when you came back, throwing the lab door open and nearly floating off the ground in excitement.

“Lapsang with a spot of honey, as always,” you said, passing the cup into his hands. The bite from the heat slowly faded from your palm—the barista had forgotten to put a sleeve on his cup.

“Lovely,” he said, setting it down next to you. “I’m just going to go ahead and flip the switch…keep your wits about you! Haha.”

“Ha,” you said, though suddenly you were getting more nervous. The longer you looked at the wires, the less sense they made. And was that two uncovered wires touching? ”Hey, wait, actually—”

Click.

A hum filled the room as the power flicked on. The bright white overhead lights flickered once, twice, and then went out. Something that smelled suspiciously like smoke filled the room.

“Fuck!” Gunther fumbled for the switch. You, similarly, lunged forward to see if you could manually disconnect the wires from the input. “It’s short circ—”

As soon as you made contact with the input wire, you heard the sound of a cup tipping over seconds before the splashing of hot tea.

Then everything went black.

~

When you awoke, it was because you were shaking so hard that your teeth were clicking painfully together.

Slowly, you pulled open my eyelids to see a brilliantly blue sky without a cloud in sight, wide and unimpeded by any skyscrapers. This was definitely not Gunther’s lab.

You groaned as feeling began to return to your body, along with a thudding headache and soreness in every joint. Gently, you pressed your weight into your fingers and slowly sat yourself up, making observations as you went.

You were not dead. Your heart was still beating and your nerves still functioned as usual. You had no idea how long you'd been lying on the ground, but it had to have been at least an hour given that the sun was almost in the middle of the sky.

Another observation: you were nowhere near Terranova.

Instead, you were in the clearing of a forest, surrounded by trees with unfamiliar trunk patterns and leaves. A thick bed of white snow coated everything in sight except for you.

You were well and truly fucked. There was nowhere even remotely nearby the city that you knew was in a fully forested area.

Though at least now you held the title of the first person alive to travel at light speed. It was a small comfort, but it was something to cling to.

A shriek sounded behind you, and you spun around, still seated on the ground. The forest line was clear, but you could hear rustling. For a moment you considered that it could be an animal, but it didn’t sound like any woodland creature. It sounded unmistakably human.

“Hello?” you called out.

The shriek came again, accompanied by more crunching—both much closer this time.

“Are you alright?” you asked, hoping your voice would carry to whoever it was. “Are you hurt?”

A mangled man suddenly came into sight as he fell into the clearing from a lopsided sprint, barreling right towards you. One of his knees was bent outwards as he went, so badly it looked broken, but it wasn’t enough to slow him down as he ran towards you.

You screamed, a real and proper one that pierced the frigid air. There was no time for to run as the man closed the gap and rammed into you, his filthy hands gripping your arms through your heavy jacket as his snapping teeth and rancid breath lunged for your neck.

Bang!

A single shot rang out. The man fell limp, slumping on top of you as you frantically snapped into motion and scrambled out from under him.

“Who the fuck are you?”

You whipped back around to see a girl standing at the other side of the clearing, a revolver in her hand and an incredibly cross expression etched into her features. She must’ve been around your age, and she had short auburn hair that barely brushed her shoulders and was being tossed about by the wind. There was a spattering of freckles across her face, muted against the backdrop of her cheeks reddened from exertion.

“Hi,” you said, your voice small and pathetic. You couldn’t stop shaking. “I’m Y/N.”

The girl just stared at you for a few more beats before turning back. “Jesse! Dina! Some help?”

You pulled your knees into your chest as you waited for whatever was to come. Now that the man was off of you, you could see that there was blood trickling from his gaping maw. Something that looked almost like shards had sprouted, like little spring buds, in little areas around his face. Even his normal, unshard-ed skin was a pallor that looked like death. Something wasn’t right here.

“Okay,” said the girl, gruffer this time. “Listen, I don’t know who the fuck you think you are just waltzing in like this, but this isn’t open to the public, alright? You’re trespassing.”

“Sorry,” you said, shrinking further into yourself as you thumbed the edges of your scarf. “I didn’t know.”

“Get the hell out of here,” she said, grabbing your backpack from the ground near her feet and throwing it at you.

Two other people emerged from the trees, another girl and one guy. They all seemed roughly the same age—early 20s, maybe—and were all carrying various weapons ranging from guns to knives.

To say you were on edge would be the understatement of the century.

They spoke in hushed tones as they approached the first girl.

“I don’t understand,” the other girl said, long black locks escaping from her ponytail. “We literally just patrolled this area. There’s no way to get here without either going through the town or going over the pass, and no one’s done that.”

“And you’re sure you didn’t see her then?” The boy looked curiously at you.

“Fucking obviously,” snapped the first girl. “I think we would’ve noticed.” Then, directed at you: “Hey. How’d you even wind up here?”

“Uh….” Your mouth became dry. “Where am I again?”

The girl rolled her eyes. “You’re telling me you don’t even know?”

“Ellie,” warned the other girl. “Maybe she’s been out here for a while. Hypothermia can make you think crazy things.”

“She doesn’t look like she’s been out here for long,” pointed out the first girl, presumably Ellie.

“You’re right outside Jackson,” said the other girl helpfully.

“How close am I to Terranova?”

“The fuck is Terra-whatta?” Ellie frowned at you.

“Where I live,” you said. “I—I’m a student there. I was working on a project and something went wrong and then all of a sudden I woke up here and—what is that thing?” You gestured frantically at the limp body of the man beside you, the shock slowly subsiding as reality set in. “He almost killed me!”

Ellie gaped at you along with her two friends. “What do you mean, what is that thing? Have you never seen a runner before?”

“A runner?” You stared back. “These things are normal enough for you to have a name for them?”

“Oh my god,” said Ellie, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers. “Have you, like, never been outside before?”

“No,” you said, honestly. “I’ve never left the city walls.”

“We have got to take her back with us,” said the other girl.

“Dina.” Ellie scowled. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Dina’s right,” said the guy, finally chiming in. “We can’t just leave her out here. She doesn’t even know what a runner is. She’s gonna be killed like that.”

Ellie considered, gnawing her lip. “Fine. Consider this your lucky day, Y/N. Get up.”

The first thing you did upon reaching your feet was faint once again.

~

“I told you, Joel, we just found her like this! Lying on the ground, with nothing but her bag.”

A man said something that you couldn’t quite catch.

“Yes. I went through it. No weapons, just…weird things. Like this.”

Your eyes snapped open to see Dina rooting around in your backpack, pulling out your laptop. You were laid horizontally on a table in some warmly lit home.

“Hey!” you said. She turned around, along with a tall, buff man at her side. “Be careful with that. That has all my homework on it.”

“See?” Dina whispered. “Do you think she hit her head or something, Joel?”

Joel frowned, picking up your laptop despite your protests. “I haven’t seen one of these in…I can’t even remember how long. And I’ve never seen one this slim before. Where’d you say you got this, er…”

“Y/N,” Dina supplied.

“From my university,” you said. There was a fire that crackled somewhere behind you, and it sounded comforting. “They provide all students with laptops. That’s how we do most of our schoolwork.”

“Let me guess,” said Joel. “You from the North? A place called Terra Something?”

“That’s a real thing?” Ellie came from around the corner, standing with her arms crossed. She’d changed out of her heavy winter coat and was instead wearing a dark gray hoodie with the strings tied into a bow.

“Never been there myself,” he said. “But when I was doing supply runs back in Boston we always heard whispers of a safezone in Canada. For rich assholes who had some even richer survivalist friends. The Fireflies attempted to break in for years, but they could never find it.”

“So, like a QZ?” asked Ellie, looking genuinely curious.

“What’s a QZ?” you asked. No one acknowledged it.

“Not quite,” said Joel. “No FEDRA. With no military presence, I’m sure it was a hell of a lot cushier living there. Wasn’t it, Y/N?”

“I don’t have anything to compare it to,” you said. “But, yeah. I guess it was nice. It was just normal, I guess. Nothing extraordinary.”

“You’re wearing a cashmere scarf,” Joel pointed out. “That’s not what I’d call normal in the apocalypse.”

You blushed, pulling at the fringes of said black scarf. The fabric was thin and soft, impossibly warm against your bare neck. “It didn’t—it doesn’t feel like the apocalypse in Terranova.”

“And how’d you make it all the way out here?”

“I’m a research assistant for a professor attempting to invent travel at the speed of light,” you said. “We just hooked it up to a different wire today. It short-circuited and when my professor and I rushed to shut it off, he spilled his tea on me and the prototype. Next thing I knew, I woke up here.”

Joel blinked. “What now?”

“I know it sounds crazy,” you said, defensively pulling your knees to your chest. “But I’m telling the truth, honestly. Plus, look at me.” You let go of your scarf and held out your hands, letting the glow of the fire catch the immaculate pearl polish on your fingers. “Do I look like someone who’s traveled from Canada to wherever I am now?”

“She’s got a point,” said Dina, nodding thoughtfully. “It really must be nice where you come from to have hands like that. It doesn’t look like you’ve done a day of work in your life. Reckon you could take us back with you?”

Joel sent her a stern look. “What did you parents do to gain access to a place like that? You the daughter of the president or something?”

“No. They just got lucky,” you explained. “They were summering in Canada and happened to befriend the founders of Terranova right before outbreak day.”

“‘Summering’,” repeated Joel. “It’s been a while since I heard someone use a season as a verb. Somehow it’s not been long enough.”

You cringed.

“I’m not gonna lie, it’s a little disappointing to hear that folks like your parents are still living in the lap of luxury, even after the world ended,” said Joel. “A part of me hoped that karma would get ‘em.”

“I didn’t realize how bad it was out here,” you said defensively. “They didn’t even tell me about…what was that that tried to kill me out there? Walkers?”

“Runners,” Ellie supplied. She watched you quietly from her position leaning up against the couch.

“You ran into one?” asked Joel, another wrinkle appearing in his forehead. “Ellie, have you checked her for bites?”

Ellie’s freckled face paled as she swore. “Fuck. No, I forgot. I should’ve done it in the clearing.”

“Well, better now than never. Listen, I gotta meet up with Tommy. You check ‘er. You got a gun ready, just in case?”

“Excuse me?” you scoffed, looking thoroughly scandalized. “What do you mean, just in case?”

“I’ll be outside,” said Dina, following Joel as he left the door.

“How come it’s my job?” Ellie called after them. “No one asked me how I felt about this!”

The door banged shut in reply. She turned back to face you, her lips set into a firm line. “Fine. Take your coat off. Let’s make this quick.”

“I didn’t feel anything bite me,” you said, grabbing your knees tighter to your chest. Ellie was intimidating and scary, and you rather liked how you currently wore an extra layer of protection.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say.” She walked over to you, grabbing your scarf and unwinding it from your neck. “Shit. Is this what Joel called cashmere?”

“Yeah,” you said, watching as she stared at the fabric pooled in her hands. “It’s nothing special, really. Everyone wears them in Terranova.”

Ellie stared at you. “Can you stop saying Terranova? I swear it’s every third word that comes out of your mouth. I honestly couldn’t give a shit about whatever fantasyland you grew up in while the rest of us dealt with the real world.”

You opened your mouth, then thought better of it and closed it. It was discombobulating to hear a stranger swear so often at you.

Ellie knocked your hands from your knees and stared down at you. “Are you actually gonna make me take off everything myself? Do they have hired help to unzip your coats in Terra Novella?”

“Terranova.”

Ellie let out a sharp sigh, then lunged for the zipper near your throat.

“Okay, okay, fine,” you said, yanking yourself away and pulling your zipper down to reveal your standard lab outfit—a satiny button up shirt tucked into slacks. You pulled the rest of your puffer off, letting it drop in a pile next to you.

“So,” you said as Ellie grabbed your arm, gently rolling up the fabric of your blouse and turning your forearm back and forth, “Is this, like, a normal thing? To have deranged people in the woods attack you like that?”

“They’re not people,” she said quietly. Satisfied with your left arm, she moved to the next and let your unbuttoned sleeve fall. “Not anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

Ellie’s fingers encircled your right wrist as she fiddled with your sleeve. They were warm as they brushed across your skin, just barely touching you. “You really don’t know? I thought you at least knew about outbreak day.”

“Of course I know about outbreak day,” you said defensively. “I’m not stupid.”

Ellie arched a brow.

“They told us that it was a virus,” you added. “That it was lethal and incredibly infectious. Is that not what happened?”

“It’s not a virus, it’s a fungus,” corrected Ellie, letting go of your sleeve and stepping back as you redid the buttons at your wrist. “And it doesn’t just kill. It turns you into—into something like what you saw today. You lose your mind. The only thing that matters to you is biting everyone and spreading the infection.”

“Oh.”

“I saw you get tackled. Did your legs get scratched up at all?”

“No,” you responded, feeling thankful that you wouldn’t need to take your pants off. In that moment, literally nothing seemed more embarrassing. Your hands had begun to shake again.

“Didn’t think so.”

“If it had bitten me, would that mean that I…I would get sick too?”

“Nice going, Sherlock,” said Ellie, returning to her spot against the couch. “Really stellar reasoning skills there.”

You pulled your knees back into your chest, the gravity of the situation sinking in. All this time you’d thought it was just a virus—a measly virus that killed. That it could be anything else had never occurred to you.

“Keep shaking and I’m going to start to think that you were bitten.” She smiled thinly at you from across the room.

“I’m sorry,” you said, your teeth bouncing against each other once before you clenched your jaw. “Please cut me some slack. This is just a lot to take in. If you’ll recall, I’ve just been the first person in history to undergo atomic dissolution and reassembly. It’s a wonder I’m still alive.”

“Welcome to the club,” said Ellie, her eyes narrowed. “It’s a wonder any of us are alive.”

Your lips pressed tightly together as you sat, trying your best not to lose it at her. You’d always been brought up to be kind, to be forgiving and sweet and polite. After all, there was never any reason not to be. Terranova’s culture put a heavy emphasis on keeping the peace no matter what. Your parents rarely ever raised their voices. Your professors kindly and respectfully asked their pupils to settle down if they were too noisy, but since you were all brought up with impeccable manners, such instances were few and far between. It just wasn’t a thing to chew strangers out. Such behavior was only reserved for extraordinary situations of the like you’d never experienced. Speaking of manners…

“Thank you,” you said, finally. Yeah, you could be the bigger person.

Ellie’s gaze snapped up to you, her brow furrowed. “Huh?”

“For saving me,” you clarified, avoiding her eyes. They were uncomfortably piercing. “Sorry. I should’ve thanked you earlier. That was rude of me. And I’m also sorry for just barging in here. I promise it wasn’t on purpose. Trust me, I would do anything to be back home right now.”

“I bet you would.” Her eyes dropped briefly to your hands, unblemished and smooth as they clutched your knees. Not even a cuticle was out of place, a result of your weekly manicures and daily lotion habit.

“Sorry,” you said again, feeling heat rise in your cheeks once again. “I probably sound so insufferable and spoiled to you.”  

“Just—” She paused, frowning. “Just stop apologizing. It’s fine. It’s not your fault, or whatever.” The words seemed to pain her.

“What’s a QZ?” you asked. Now that you’d had a moment to draw in a few deep breaths, your hands were steady once again.

“Quarantine Zone,” said Ellie. “Established by what was left of the government for those of us normal people. There are a couple scattered around the country in the big cities.”

“Did you live in one? What’re they like?”

She was about to answer when the door banged open.

“Ellie!” Dina’s voice was breathless. “Joel wants me and you to go out and finish the patrol route together. She alright?”

“I’m fine,” you said quickly, hanging your legs off the table and reaching for your puffer.

“God, I fucking love that shirt,” said Dina. “Can I touch it? It looks so soft.”

You had a feeling that you would get on well with her. “Sure.”

“It’s not that soft,” said Ellie from the couch.

“Shut up, Ellie!” Dina walked over to you, grabbing the dangling fabric from your loose sleeves and letting it thread through her fingers. “Sorry about her, Y/N. She’s just like that sometimes.”

“Dina!”

Dina ignored Ellie’s protests, giving you a look full of mirth as she stepped back. “For the record, it was that soft.”

“You couldn’t wear it anywhere,” argued Ellie. “It looks ridiculous. Infected would just snag right onto the sleeves. That’s only if you didn’t get tangled up in a tree from all that loose fabric first.”

“There’s not an abundance of trees or sick fungus people in my research lab,” you said awkwardly. “So that’s not really something that crossed my mind when I got ready this morning.”

“Ha!” Dina’s eyes scrunched. “Ellie, be nice. Maybe she’ll claim us both as her long-lost sisters and get us into wherever she came from, but she’s not gonna if you keep acting like this.”

“It’s okay,” you said, shrugging. “I get it. I can’t even begin to imagine how much different your lives are out here. And, I mean, I probably could if you wanted. I’m pretty sure that all you need is a connection and a negative test for whatever the fungus is called.”

“See?” Dina gestured towards you. “Listen to her. She’s so wholesome.”

“I’d be wholesome too if I led the kind of life where I didn’t know about the infected and got to wear dumb shirts like that all day.”

Dina huffed. “Listen, Y/N, Ellie and I are gonna finish up with patrolling. I’m assuming you want to stay in Jackson until you figure everything out?”

You nodded. “If that’s alright. I don’t mean to impose.”

“We’ll talk to Maria and Tommy once we get back and see about getting you set up somewhere temporarily,” said Dina. “For now, you can just stay at Ellie’s until we finish up. Sound good?”

“Dina!” protested Ellie. “You’re just gonna leave her here unattended without even asking me?”

“What’s she gonna do? Ransack the town? With what weapon, Ellie? Her bare hands? She looks like she’d be blown over if I breathed too hard in her direction.”

You flushed. Sure, you’d never really seen much of a point of bulking up and working out when you were nothing but a student who spent all of her time goofing off with wires and telescopes, but it was humbling to have it pointed out so blatantly.

“She wouldn’t make it a day outside,” continued Dina. “I don’t think she’s stupid enough to try anything. Isn’t that right, Y/N?”

You blinked. “I mean, yeah. I’ve never spent a day without electricity and hot running water, so I’m not really clambering to leave and live in the woods.”

Ellie sighed sharply. “Fine. Cool. Whatever. Just stay where you are, okay? And don’t even think about touching anything.”

~

By the time that she returned with Joel, you were sitting at the table, 2 chapters deep into the one textbook you’d brought along with you for one of your courses.

“Glad to see the house still standing,” Joel quipped as he worked his heavy coat off his shoulders and pulled his boots off. Ellie trailed behind him, hanging up her coat and pulling off a pair of black gloves. “Ellie was concerned you’d raze the whole town.”

“I’m honored that she thinks me so capable,” you said in response, wincing as you had to dogear your textbook, your bookmarks and sticky notes tucked safely in your dorm desk far away.

Ellie sent you an irritated look before her gaze dropped to the textbook in your lap. It lingered for a moment, just long enough for you to know that she was reading the title Exoplanetary Systems.

“Tommy and Maria have decided to let you stay until you get back on your feet,” said Joel, oblivious to the hostility coming from Ellie. “There’s a cottage down the street that’ll be ready for you to move into soon. For now, you can stay with us. There’s an extra room across the hall from Ellie’s.”

“That’s too kind of you,” you said, your voice smooth and gracious after years of having your manners picked apart by your parents.  

Joel looked mildly uncomfortable. “Uh, yeah. Don’t mention it. You know how to ride a horse?”

“Yeah, a little.”

“Good,” said Joel. “Can you shoot, too?”

You stared. “Uh, shoot what?”

“A gun,” said Ellie slowly. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, her mouth contorted into a scowl. She did not seem overjoyed at the prospect of a new housemate.

“No,” you said. Your ears felt like they were on fire. “There’s, uh, a strict ban on guns in Terr–where I grew up. There was no reason to shoot anything.”

Joel whistled. “Well, imagine that. So maybe we won’t put you on patrol just yet. We’ll find something else for you to do. Got any other skills?”

Before you answered, Joel picked up your bag and peered inside of it. “Say, is this a bag of coffee?”

He pulled out the bag of coffee grinds that you’d picked up at the cafe.

“Yeah!” you said. “Before the, uh, accident, my professor sent me to get him tea from the cafeteria. I ended up picking those up since my roommate and I were out. You drink coffee?”

“Not much anymore,” said Joel, picking up the bag and weighing it back and forth. “It’s hard to come by out here. You have to pay an arm and a leg to get just a bit. I haven’t seen a bag like this since before the outbreak.”

“It’s yours,” you said quickly. “I don’t even really like coffee. I just drank it because my roommate would make me a cup.”

Joel shook his head and placed it back in your bag. “No, I couldn’t do that. I’d probably have to trade my whole arsenal plus a horse to get something this big.”

“Please, I insist,” you said. “It’s the least I can do. It’s just going to sit in my bag anyway. You’d appreciate it more.”

“Well…” Joel gave you a considering look. “I s’pose this could cover your work for a few weeks until either we find another job for you or Ellie teaches you to shoot.”

“Joel!” Ellie interjected. “I have my own shit to do.”

“That’s really generous of you,” you said, smiling at Joel. “But you could honestly just take the bag—no need to offer any reimbursement.”

Joel grunted and picked the bag up again, slinging it onto the counter behind him. “Maria’s never gonna believe me until she sees this. Full bag of monsoon malabar…didn’t even think they had that shit anymore…” He continued to mumble to himself as he shuffled around, opening and closing cabinets behind you.

When you looked back up, Ellie was staring again at your book, a line in her brow.

“You can borrow it, if you’d like.” You pushed the book towards her as a poor attempt to call a truce between you two. “It’s not like I actually need to do the reading anymore. I’m already missing lecture.”

You winced at the thought of getting behind in your classes. In the very likely case you weren’t getting back in the next few days, you’d probably need to take a gap semester and return in the fall, delaying your graduation date another 4 months. Your parents were going to kill you. This was going to create an unfillable hole in your resume. “Shooting a gun” and “riding horses” were not acceptable activities to explain away why you took a whole season off.

“No thanks,” said Ellie, pushing it back to you. “Keep it. I don’t want it.”

“It’s about solar systems outside of our locale,” you continued. “There’s a bunch of them. It’s actually really interesting.”

“It doesn’t really sound like it,” she said, but there was no venom behind her voice—just something that sounded like exhaustion.  

“Maybe not.” You sighed, deflated. So much for a white flag. “I guess it must seem pretty ridiculous to you.”

Ellie stood there, her arms still crossed and her frown deep. “Joel,” she said, speaking over your shoulder, “I’m going out. I’ll see you later.”

“Don’t do anything stupid,” said Joel. You could hear him bustling around in what you assumed was a kitchen, filling a kettle with water and lighting the gas top stove.

When you turned back around, Ellie was already out the door, coat slung over her arm as she shut it.

Before the door closed entirely, her eyes snapped up to meet yours like she knew you’d been watching her.

She was gone before you had the chance to lift your hand to wave goodbye.

again apologies for this if you’ve made it this far. please confiscate my laptop. part 2 coming soon (?) if u want also im not an astrophysics student im a thickheaded cs student who barely survived ap physics so im sorry if i’m doing a disservice to the academic field of astronomy idk shit about it 

[honeytonedhottie]

quality of life‧₊˚✩彡🎐

this post is a collaboration with @prettieinpink my lovely mutual <3 so make sure to check out ur page for the continuation of this post and it has been a PLEASURE to work with her! go and follow her <3

HEALTH : ur health is easily the most important of these categories and ur own health must be prioritized in every thing that u do. health is wealth, and without health, ur quality of life will be very low.

eat foods that are good for u and that nourish you, pay close attention to ur body and how it reacts to certain foods cuz everyones body is different and u should have a vast knowledge on your own body and how it works. eat a variety of fruits and vegetables. a helpful ratio in eating that i like to use as a basic guideline is (80% of the time, eat healthier foods and 20% of the time eat what u crave)

stay hydrated and drink between 1-3 liters of water a day, about 15 minutes before u go to sleep drink a couple glasses of water, drinking water before bed literally CLEANSES you, it improves ur skin, helps ur heart pump blood more efficiently, and improves blood pressure and heart rate, which affects ur quality of sleep in a positive way

to continue on the note of ur sleep u should be sleeping 8-10 hours of sleep a night. sleep deprivation is NOT cute, so please opt to sleep at an earlier time and rise at an earlier time as well

aside from what u consume, take care of ur health by taking supplements, drinking lots of teas, sleeping enough, stretching ur body, dry brushing, lymphatic drainage massage etc

MENTAL WELL BEING : september is suicide prevention month so i feel like now is an AMAZING time to bring up mental health and ways that u can improve ur mental state of being.

i always talk about self concept and i always will because self concept truly is the foundation of everything. ur whole entire life is literally ur mindset. keeping a positive outlook, meditating and practicing gratitude sounds cliche but it does wonders for ur happiness.

understand that its okay to NOT feel happy 24/7 because happiness is simply a feeling, and feelings are fleeting. they dont stay forever. i talked about the science of dopamine and what it does to ur brain in a previous post but some things that u can do to improve ur happiness levels are :

cutting back on social media and screen time in order to experience the world around you

surrounding urself with people who build you up

consuming social media that impacts ur mental health in a positive way

if u can, invest in therapy and if u can't do some shadow work, and based on ur discoveries with shadow work use the resources that u have (like youtube) to learn how to heal from ur trauma properly. healing isn't an overnight process, its a journey but it will DRASTICALLY improve ur quality of life.

find ways to cope and deal with ur emotions in a healthy way if ur going through a hard time, if ur going thru a REALLY hard time please go and seek help bcuz u dont deserve to live in a constant state of sadness, and if u ever need encouragement my inbox is always open 💗

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE : ur physical appearance can greatly impact ur quality of life also so here's some way to maximize ur looks:

sleep, drink water, and walk everyday - the best way to be pretty is to be healthy so make sure ur taking care of ur nutrition and ur sleep schedule

skincare - build a solid skincare routine and be consistent with it, do ur skincare RELIGIOUSLY 2x a day and dont touch ur face with ur hands unless ur washing ur face. double cleanse and dont forget to apply spf &lt;33

haircare - learn what ur hair texture is and watch influencers or people who share the same hair texture as u and watch how they take care of their hair. once u know ur hair type then ur hair will thrive and be healthy

clean nails, long or short its all a matter of preference but keep ur nails clean and done nicely

wearing clothes that fit and complement ur body nicely, get ur clothes tailored to fit ur body comfortably

take good care of ur hair to keep it healthy, and learn how to do ur hair in cute hairstyles.

lastly POSTURE will tie all of this together, ofc these categories were rly broad but u can totally look into them more to maximize ur own looks and beauty

i know dear peachie on youtube has AMAZING makeup tips especially if ur a beginner she can teach u a lot

GENERAL : this is just a broad category of helpful things that u can do to improve the quality of ur life.

manifestation : when u learn about the way that the world works and operates and how ur mind creates ur own reality u will literally step into the power of knowing that you create. start committing to ur dream life and learning about law of assumption

finding little things to be happy about : i feel my happiest when im consciously living. and what i mean about this most of us just live our lives on autopilot out of necessity or habit, but paying closer attention to our lives and our experiences and romanticizing our lives will improve the quality of ur life

decision making : make decisions that will give the quality of life that u wanna live. for the future, make decisions that are good for ur future self instead of just focusing on making decisions that only look good in that one moment. ofc this differs depending on the situation but make an effort to make smart decisions that'll set the foundation for ur future

go check out @prettieinpink for the next part of this post <;3

[hanasnx]

dilf!ani has had time to come to terms with how he’s ur literal sex symbol. like when i think dilf it’s this quiet air of confidence - he’s experienced enough with you to know you’ll do pretty much do anything and now really wants to branch out. not necessarily jus kink wise but location like HE WILL GLADLY TAKE U ANYWHEREEE ANYTIME and bc he doesn’t gaf what people think atp he will abandon all social etiquette to have you. leave events early to make you please him otw home after you teased him in public, beg you to be louderr without caring if people hear. he’s jus a lil rougher round the edges like sometimes makes the slightest dad grunt sounds when he’s tired/standing up after being sat for ages lmao but like in a hot way !

of course ani always has that desperation seeping thru but he channels it better now, his praise is more reluctant: ‘didn’t believe you were gonna be able to sit here all by yourself while i was away but you’re here just as i left you, soaking yourself waiting for me - can’t wait to reward you’ *rewarding u means some shit like an aromatherapy massage he’s lowkk into the domestic stuff now*

like real quick smut aside he’s puttin in WORK around the residence.. deffo wearing an apron regularly to do like household maintenance shit and the apron stays on during..🫠 idek LoL also his few grey hairs turn u on 🦾

LUV UR WRITING SO V MUCH TY FOR UR SERVICE ALWAYS! never sent u anything before this but have truly admired ur work from afar :) <3

describing him as having a "quiet air of confidence" is so real anon. he's just the guy that has shit figured out, things are easier when he's around especially if the odds seemed insurmountable before he showed up.

this line: "he will abandon all social etiquette to have you" got me crazyyyyyy. because he barely relied in social etiquette his entire life, until he got older and rebellion wasn't as necessary for him to feel heard. he's mellowed out somewhat. and i say that very loosely.

"leave events early to make you please him otw home after you teased him in public" making you jack/blow him while he's driving you both home... or letting him stick his fingers in you while he's got one hand on the wheel.

that bit about him making noise when he sits down oh my god... sooo daddy im not even kidding. need him to be tired of my shit and tired in general.

the fact you added: "his praise is more reluctant" bcos that's so fucking true oh my god. takes more to earn his respect and his loyalty because of all the life he's lived. not much impresses him. you'd have to go above and beyond. ""you're here just as i left you."" hubba fucking hubba.

his gray hairs most definitely turn me on oh my fucking godddd no like you'd card your fingers through it, and his tired eyes would fall shut bcos of how good your nails feel. he'd slack a little while you're talkin sweet shit about how handsome he is... run the pads of your fingers over his impossibly soft lips.

"LUV UR WRITING SO V MUCH TY FOR UR SERVICE ALWAYS! never sent u anything before this but have truly admired ur work from afar :) &lt;3" this is sooo sweet! thank you very much for submitting and sharing your thoughts <3 i'm really happy you love and admire my writing! i love reading that. also congrats on your first submission to me :) im so glad you decided to reach out.

[osarina]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the person whose vibe LITERALLY. encapsulates what hozier writes songs ABOUT <3 (IN THE BEST WAY) !! & DAZAI’S GIRL OFCC; miss carina i hope you’ve had the MOST fantastic day already & this year ‘n on treats you SO SO WELL 🫂🖤 truly u’ve shaken the bsd fandom on here w ur writing & in general such a wonderful person, ENJOY EVERYTHING TONS, fyodor & i showed up w/ the presents to spoil u 🙂‍↕️ (he is forced to pay back what he owed both u & dazai) & i’m giving you another pair of pearl earrings BCZ LOL WE R literally twinning rn i only wear those too !!

if it’s not too much pls do give a little synopsis/scenario excerpt to the BIRTHDAY COMM bcz i am still in awe glancing at it HAHAHAHA

finally, the next time i’ll pop in your inbox i’ll b there to finally express completing waterloo !! srry i am so behind on the bandwagon but it’s only bcz i have put off completing the actual BSD BEAST 😞 i paused halfway thru so i wouldn’t b spoiled, i shall get the courage to do both tho JDJSJ for u; you will get an entire essay no doubt

& GOODLUCK IN UNI SOON TOO !! i start for the first time as well rly soon so i’m hoping this year treats us well & perhaps a lanky brunette man comes along (forces himself into our life) in need of saving on a stormy day ;) LOVE YOU RINA HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN !! ᰔ

REV I'M SIMPLY GOING TO CRY YOU'RE THE SWEETEST EVER, YOU LITERALLY HAVE ME SMILING SO BIG AND MY CHEST FEELS ALL WARM AND FUZZY I LOVE U SM <3333

im giggling imagining fyodor and dazai side-eyeing each other while we sit together chatting, we would both have to keep them in line so they don't start acting up. AND OMGGGG YOU'RE ALSO A PEARL GIRLIE??? i got my first pair from my grandma and ive been obsessed with them since jdfasuhfasfhu i love pearl jewelry

HAHAHAHAHH THE BDAY COMM IM STILL GIGGLING OVER IT - so its set in my pm au actually ihfsuihfauhduf the one ive been writing for a while on here (wykyk) except that i hc that its like a non-canon one where oda didn't die and dazai never left the pm. so dazai & i were pining for like literally 3 years since we were sixteen and then not long before my 19th bday, we finally officially got together. and chuuya was SOOOO sick of it like he's been dealing with both of our dumbasses for 3 years refusing to get together but still blatantly pining for each other. so when we finally got together, he's like UGH finally, but then he realizes that it's worse because we're even MORE insufferable now that we're together. so the comm is set during my 19th bday we're going out for the night and dazai is being dazai and chuuya is SOOOO sick of it but this is the one night he can't say anything so he's just forced to sit there and deal with it LOLLLLL

OMGGGGGG I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU TO FINISH BEAST AND UU!!!!! i dont blame you for putting it off HAHAHHH the end is so heartwrenching like literally whenever i feel like i need a good cry, i go back to reread beast HAHAHH

AHHHHHH OMG YOU'RE STARTING YOUR FIRST YEAR OF UNI??? THAT'S SO EXCITING!!!! good luck sweet rev, i know you're going to kill it!! if you ever need advice or to just vent about uni, my inbox is always open, i get it 100% - uni can be so stressful but at the same time it's so nice. im dreading my classes starting up again but ive missed everyone there so it will be nice to see them again

THANK YOU AGAIN LOVELY <333 I ADORE YOU

[mithliya]

There are no unique, off-limits individual experiences that will ever explain outlandish internet jargon that harms lesbians. Away from the trolling or actual attacks on your trauma, lesbians are calling you out for using your trauma against them IDing you as an obvious bisexual woman. Going through an abusive/bad relationship and becoming penis/male repulsed does not make you a lesbian, you are just a traumatized bisexual women who is a victim of misogyny. If you really want to take your trauma seriously instead of harming lesbians and wasting their time, admit it and leave the internet and heal normally. Lesbians calling you out on your harmful larping is not harassment. You yourself should know calling out disgusting women on radblr is essential and not harassment. Now that it's on you, it's different? My words come from lesbians who also suffered CSA and yours does not align with a lesbian experience, but with a bisexual experience. Please stop using outdated sources from incestuous moids who probably thought raping women was medicine.

outdated sources from incestuous moids? the sources are almost all quite recent and the researchers were of both sexes. rape victims don’t all have the same exact reaction to being raped, but if around 20-30% of CSA victims had a similar response to me then perhaps maybe just maybe it’s about the trauma & not my sexual orientation. the fact that you saw how much my experience mimics other child rape victims and instead of considering that u decided to pretend the research must be made by rapists is repulsive!

i was always penis-repulsed. i did not “become” penis-repulsed. my first sexual interaction was rape. i wasn’t having fun times with men, then got raped, then became penis-repulsed. i had no sexual experience, got raped, and then within a few months someone took advantage of my vulnerability & trauma & further traumatised me. i left that situation and beyond that have no kind of sexual experiences with any man. this is why i keep saying you’re using my trauma to argue i’m bi because you literally are. you use a traumatic experience from when i was a child who just got raped & was actively being exploited to argue that you know my sexuality better than i do. before my rape i did not have sexual interest in men either. i don’t know what’s not clicking like leave me alone. you are literally using my literal trauma and arguing the same thing that was adding onto my trauma, the same situation i was coerced into and was trying to leave & was causing me serious distress & kept trying to end my life over, is a situation that makes me somehow into men. this has being going on for 5 fucking years. yeah it is harassment at this point and yeah this is an attack on my trauma because you’re literally arguing that i somehow wanted what i was going thru. and ur entire basis for that is i wasnt detailing how traumatic it was to me as it was actively ongoing on the blog he was going thru and had control over!!! dumbasses. what part of leave me alone isn’t clicking. what part of stop arguing with me that my trauma indicates i was interested in men is not clicking.

[bingwriterxo]

Bing…I am beyond mortified. Beyond. I like to think of myself as a logical person. Today proved that I am not that. So I’ve been getting use to my classes at Uni, and there’s this girl in my maths class. An utterly beautiful creature. A painting if you will. She sits across the room, which I sit on the first seat which allows me to get a good view (I did not pick that chair for that. I promise bing!) and i didnt really take notice of her at first, but of course me being me I did. At first she reminded me of someone and I kept looking back at her periodically and two times she caught me staring😭 I swear to you bing I’ve never been more mortified in my entire life. I just looked away and my face turned all red. You would think that’s it? Oh well it’s doesn’t seem to bad? Well after that I found her staring at me two times as well! And she didn’t even bother to look away when I caught her. So I of course smiled and went on with the lesson.

When class ended I was walking out and made it to the grounds where I preceded to check my phone (it’s my mums birthday so I had to) and I see someone out of my peripheral vision just stop in front me, like a real life halt. You could hear the rubber on the soles of the shoes just go ‘rhhh’. And I’m busy texting so it me a second , like a nano second really. I look up and it’s her!! And she’s literally staring at me. I was so shell shocked I just smiled and went, “lovely weather ain’t it?”. 😭😭 the girl…let’s call her Lacy for safety reasons. Her eyebrows go up and she just keeps staring at me, like girl is literally analyzing me. And she goes, “oh yes. Quite lovely”. And then she proceeds to wink. I’m afraid to admit it but I said my goodbye and just walked on. It such an odd interaction because she knows I’m more inclined to girls, her best friend’s sister is my cousin (so we sort of inadvertently know of each other). I think the most embarrassing part was her stopping in front of me 😂 I don’t think she realized it was me, and I don’t know why she had that reaction. But it did make my brain go gay. Very much so. I’m going to have to write poems or something bing to get rid of this energy 😭 I don’t really take advice, but I do want to know dear bing, what are your thoughts? Should I clarify why? Should I just leave be?

please this is so gay of u

where's ur rizz at baby brit, c'mon

but also, i feel like everyone goes through this at least once

i think maybe u should try to talk to her! maybe start with becoming friends?? i feel like it shouldn't be wildly hard considering u guys already have a bit of a connection thru ur cousin!

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

SVREAMS

AXEL I ONLY GET MY PHONE FOR LIKE 10MINS-AN HOUR A DAY AND USUALLY I USE THE TV NOW BUT ITS KN A MORE VISIBLE PLACE SO NO TUMBLR AND IDK MY MOM WAS TAKING JY PHONE RN BUT I WAS LIKE PLZ 5MINS

my entire life is in disarray but also kinda in a good way also someone stalkedme from ur blog and sent me an ask in arabic ab how i shouldn't be veiled and calling men honey or sum😭😭😭

UM

my parents kinda saw texts between me and M and at some point they thought i was in love w him😻🙏

glad that bits over

i have a cute flip phone for coaching now!1!

not allowed to talk to M anymore😞 but hes a just silly guy😕 a lil cutie patootie☹️

might get my phone back at the end of may thoooo praying 🌷🎀

uhhh idk what else is happening

board exams r in 1 month😭

ive been craving ice cream but parents arent allowing..

UH if im not here for my baby toges smau just letting everyone know iM FIRST

uhhhhjjj

oh ! she might go thru my phone anytime so i deleted all sus apps💔💔

but like otherwise life is great ive started studying again!1!1!!!

ILY AXEL😞🙏 MISS U EVERY DAY FR

and also sweetlyvibe and mixzimi💔 the 4lifers

also like M is cute

visually

but his personality is so ass sometimes i wanna murder him😭😭😭

we're also meant to be cuz we both fall off things! [me when im running down the stairs, him when he has a bike accident going down a hill at 60kmh<3]

BYE AXELLLLL

literally what the hell is going on in ur life rn omg??? 😭😭

GLAD THAT BITS IVER HELP UMMM YASSS FLIP PHONES i love flip phones i miss mine

NO MORE M NAURRRRR but hopefully u do get back ur phone in may!!!

boo for board exams and no icecream 😞

honestly at this rate u might be back before toge’s smau LMFAO but if not trust u will be first in spirit🤞🤞🤞

ILY AND MISS U TOO BAEEEE TAKE CARE OF URSELF 🫡🫡🫡🫡

(i tgink both u n m should wear helmets and protective gear at all times)

BYE BYE TILL NEXT TIME !

[just-antithings]

was fucked up by my sleeping pills bc they had kicked in but I was scrolling thru tumblr and was high bc of that, and anyways did a long ass ramble in tags on a post about being a mystery or some shit where I had cracked a joke doctors @ me, in the tag and elaborated, and forgot abt tumblr’s update where ppl can see tags and anyways i fucking. forgot about the tags entirely But apparently op was a fucking anti or whatever which is Unfortunate for me bc now I have ppl being a bitch to me and also being ableist in my inbox but like. I was high and was not even venting-it genuinely was just me talking and trying to relate to others who may have medical issues that are Uncommon :( was generally very jokey but i may have had a tone issue? I tend to get very open and tangential when I’m still awake after I take my pills. normally it’s fine cause it’s been about other shit. nothing identifiable as far as I can tell was said but idk as I said I do have memory issues in general and was not fucking sober AND I’m autistic. (Not an excuse, but an explanation.) anyways I’m just blocking and deleting and pretending I don’t see it as per normal but they really don’t have any compassion at all for ppl. Wild of them. how do these ppl go thru life not able to mind they own? also one of the morons is legitimately a fucking sysmed (said so themselves) and says they didn’t need to know my “entire fucking medical history” 1 bb that’s literally ur whole thing remember u WANT ppls diagnoses so u can decide whether or not they’re valid. 2 girlie I A) didn’t expect nobody to see it from what I said and B) didn’t give u my entire history cause boy oh boy that would take so much goddamn time and wouldn’t fit within tags. I personally diagnose u with “bitch disease” it’s a disease where ur a fucking bitch. treatment plans typically include learning to be a decent person and not throwing stones within your glass house. I may be a sick fuck, but ur a nasty bitch. I’m not even really mad about this all, I’m just impressed at their hypocrisy at this point. Like babydoll, if ur gonna send ppl gore bc they wrote about two made up men kissing then it’s fine for me to talk NON GRAPHICALLY (I mean if I was graphically describing shit then yeah I’d even get it even with everything else but i literally just mentioned the basics and moved on.) about med shit that has confused doctors for years in the tags which historically have been generally private unless u looked at my direct reblog. Also the same person complained about taking up “too much of their dash” baby. sweetheart darling child who needs to go to bed and quit talking to the big kids until ur ready to act like a big kid : please understand that YOU CLICKED SEE MORE. once the tags take up a certain amount of space they do in fact happen to have an automatic see more. do you know nothing about the color of the sky? I could be so much more obnoxious. There was even a damn warning that the tags were long. And again I did fuck up by forgetting tags are no longer private but literally that’s the way it was intended to start with. it’s rude of tumblr to expose that shit. anywho I’m defs high again sorrys (it’s prescribed I’m not doing like illegal crack cocaine i promys)

.

[transfemlogan]

Just a question and I’m not trying to be rude at all I’m simply curious

If you’re so mad at Thomas and what he’s doing then why are you still in the fandom and posting for it and such? If I were mad at someone to this degree I think I would just stop being apart of the fandom /genq /nm

I don’t want you to take this as me being rude and accusatory, I just want to know

HAII very good question!

I actually have left the fandom before, back in late 2020, due 2 the fandoms... increasingly racist ideals being shown thru them calling my other black mutuals the n word 4 speaking out against thomas' & the fandoms racism during the blm protests & dealing w/ my own racism being thrown at me.

I left for almost 2 years, before remaking in late 2022.

I am autistic and sanders sides is my biggest special interest and has been for 5-6 years now. So while leaving the fandom was freeing in a way, I literally cannot stop talking about SaSi. Which led to me talking about it on my main account sometimes & SaSi fans finding it & interacting w/ me despite me not wanting them to.

I am schizophrenic & deal heavily w/ paranoia & I have a weird thing w/ who can interact w/ my accounts & who cant. I don't let friends interact w/ certain accounts because of it. & so when sasi fans were interacting in a place I felt like "wasn't for them", I was more upset. & I have mutuals that don't like sanders sides so it was kind of just annoying.

& i just like 2 b critical!! That's how I interact w/ all media. complain abt every little thing & then turn around & go "yea i rlly like it :3". Bcuz not everything is perfect! & i have complex emotions !!! Abt everything !!!!

So I remade! Because I like Sanders Sides a lot it means everything to me. & I like having a place where I can talk abt it. Disliking a creator of something doesn't mean you can't enjoy what they're making.

I fucking hate scott cawthon, doesn't mean I can't enjoy FNAF.

Also, I am not super mad. At. Thomas. I know it sounds like I am, but I am just a violent thought haver & happen 2 use more angry & violent language than other people. I don't see an issue w/ that, bcuz this is my account, & iiii can do whatever I want on here (+ on places like twitter, i have him blocked so he can't even see what I am saying).

Thank u 4 being kind. This is a very silly thing 2 ask 2 me /lh. Enjoying anything doesn't mean you're enjoying what the creator does. My siblings love certain media & complain abt the writing or the creator while still loving it. like my brother who's invested w/ the new spiderman game, & he comes in2 my room 2 complain abt the lead writer & the story while also excitedly telling me about whatever is going on. My father watches marvel movies & loves marvel & yet everytime he watches one he complains abt the writing & how stupid it is (& also how much he loves it.) My older brother does it, my step mom does it, my step brother does it. My IRL friends do it (& my online friends). Hell I've had coworkers complain abt something they love around me.

This is like ... normal emotion stuff. This is just what people do. Everyone I know personally does this & has my entire life.

The concept of "not interacting w/ something bcuz ur angry at [insert thing]" is not even a Thing 2 me, I've never ever thought abt doing that ever unless I am hating every single thing abt it. Which is not the case 4 sanders sides.

[solar-halos]

20 Questions: Fic Author Edition

omg <3. thank you for tagging me @bodyelectric77<3 <3. ive never done this before so this is so exciting :o)

1) How many works do you have on ao3?

45. damn!

2) What's your total AO3 word count?

601,692

3) What fandoms do you write for?

the hunger games / ballad of songbirds and snakes mostly. sometimes total drama island lol

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

a deep dive into the mind of annie cresta

get a load of this monster

a collection of encanto what-ifs

eat my heart out with a spoon

u focus on the wrong thing and it shows

5) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i love responding to comments! it blows my mind that there are people reading words i wrote and taking time out of their day to be so sweet! <3

6) What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

probs you hurt my head like cheap red wine

7) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

queen of crabs, it's the silly awkward first date antics odesta deserves <3

8) Do you get hate on fics?

no (thank god)

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

i tried writing E rated smut once but one thing about me is that intimacy makes me laugh out fucking loud (like i always try to do bits like im wearing the crown of clowns it can get very awkward) so whenever i write anything smut-adjacent im incapable of writing it sexy i just kinda feel silly the entire time. perhaps its the asexual in me

10) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

nah. but i think an umbrella academy and succession crossover would fuck

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

nope

14) What's your all-time favorite ship?

percabeth <3 (sorry odesta but on my first read thru of the hunger games i hated annie for no fucking reason and developed a hc that johanna and finnick were having an affair.. but that is a convo for another day. LOVE them now tho obv, but ive been shipping percabeth since day 1 theyre so cute and in luv)

15) What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

tbh prob the odesta greek au. i love the concept (siren!annie is very important to me) but im just not in a greek mythology mood anymore

16) What are your writing strengths?

sometimes when i write emotions i feel like as a reader you can look at it and go "oh okay. i know that feeling" which is awesome

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

i am in love with run on sentences. "no its just a stream of consciouness writing style" baby you just wrote something that's mostly just em dashes and semicolons and parenthesis. also i don't know how to describe stuff so thank god for the internet bc i link outfits like my life depends on it. ive always struggled w writing locations too. and ive been wanting to get better at writing bits

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i tried doing this with a mags fanfic i wrote bc i hc that d4 spoke spanish before the first war. there is literally only one sentence in spanish though bc i knew for a fact the phrasing was correct (at least in a casual, conversational setting) but i do think it's really cool when people write d4 characters having entire convos in spanish even though im not confident enough in my langauge skills to do it myself. also i just don't think d4 would know how to speak spanish in canon times, prob just affectionate terms like mija/o or mano or chula. like stuff that doesn't rlly affect how the capitol understands them. i get into this in the fic, but i think even by mags’ generation spanish would stop being a common language in d4. like i love the sentiment of her carrying a piece of that w her but i don’t think the capitol would let them get away with that and it’s also Not Easy to remember how to speak a language you only learned as a child and then never used for the rest of ur life, which is what i imagined happened with her + her gen. like. me and my siblings only know english bc the moment my dad moved here he was like “okay. English Time” and that stemmed from the pressure to assimilate can you imagine if the actual law got involved. anyway this answer got long but i have a lot of thoughts about this sorta stuff, esp in d4

19) First fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson lol

20) Favorite fic you've ever written?

don't keep the devil waiting, old friend. tbh this answer changes all the time any fic im currently working on is automatically my fav lol

idk why i feel a bit silly about tagging people directly, so i am informally tagging anyone who wants to do this sorry i hope this isn't a cop out <3. ily

[anantaru]

it's ur fav and very tired anon 🤠 hru my cutie I hope ur good ur hydrated eating good food (EXTREMELY important) and enjoying SUMMERRRRRR NAAAAAAHHHHHHHH BC U KNOW IVE BEEN PLAYING GENSHIN FOR THE LONGEST TIME AND TELL ME Y IM ONLY NOW HAVING DREAMS ABT IT I've been deprived and I also might just be a cheater bc u would think that the dream would be abt kaeya. NO. it was abt that sexy fucking bastard kamisato ayato and it was scrumptious icl but I'm going insane over these fictional men 😔✊️ free me from the shackles of delusion fr but ayato looks delicious icl and his mole near his lips is so kissable. If u need me to elaborate on the dream though 😏😉 yk what's so weird these days all I can think about is getting railed i highkey think I might go and speedrun thru ur works on ao3 ALL OVER AGAIN but when I first found you yk I spent 3 days where I just read ur works till night after school ur acc legendary u keep the genshin smut reading community together ILL SAY IT AND ILL SAY IT WITH CHEST ill acc fight anyone who disagrees like I can by u some glasses perhaps to prove my point but maybe if I knock some sense into u that won't be necessary 🤩😝🤡😊 ill be ur bodyguard for free also another thing bc ik ur the biggest heizou lover I finally got him at c3 but I NEED HIM AT C6 SO BADLY LIKE ⁉️ he's so underrated it's acc so painful he's literally one punch man what more do u want ffs 🫠 anyways abt my lvl 90 kaeya build nah bc his build rn is looking a bit shitty icl he's at crit rate 33 and crit damage like 99 (HE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN 100 MAN ) with 2 p gladiators finale and 2 p blizzard strayer but I'm trying to give him 4p blizzard strayer but I've based him heavily on atk and it helps so so much I gave him aquila favonia as well which is rlly good cos of the physical damage bonus but i haven't rlly even had time to build him as much as I would like bc life man and ayato needs to be built too I've been trying to get weapons for the characters I have weapon banner this time is looking great 5 star wise for my team if I get the 5 star catalyst -> heizou and if I get 5 star claymore -> noelle bc she's a tank or maybe beidou anything else I'll still be very happy anyways HAPPY GENSHINING LETS HAVE A GOOD SUMMER MI AMOR AND IM SENDING U HUGE VIRTUAL KISSES AND HUGS ILY HAVE FUNN OKKK ADIOSSSS

BYEJWJQJQJQ I AM LAUGHING SO HARD OMG BAHQHHQHQHQ LOVE I HAVE MISSED YOU 😭😭😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 I CANT THIS MADE MY ENTIRE DAY BETTER 💕💕🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️ you‘re so sweet i‘m so happy to have you here with me and whenever i see you in my askbox i smile 🩷 thank you for being here

[sunvoids]

brain stuff is so funny (sarcasm) going from "life is so cool and I love my friends so much and I like breathing and looking at bugs with fascination and did I mention I love my friends and they also love me" to "man what's the point I'll never change things in the ways I want to and I am literally so detached of reality I don't feel like I belong, so it wouldn't really impact anyone if I was just dead" at the flip of a switch (lmao. lol. unsurprising)

like at this point it's just kind of like... suicidal ideation coming by uninvited to sleep in my bed for like a night or two and then peacing out in the morning. like ok. get another hobby my dude. or maybe for once let's go hang out in town or go for a walk together where you get your mind off of the repetitive familiar thoughts that you consider close friends but really aren't. I'll hold your hand, you can keep the hood up to hide your face if that's more comfortable, and if other people are too overwhelming we can just hang out together just the two of us. Because I know you have no intent to hurt me or yourself any more than we're already hurting. So I have no intent to force you to stay or do things that are too overwhelming, but I just want to give an encouraging push because there is more fulfilling things beyond those familiar, blood-covered thoughts that I'm VERY happy to discover alongside you! ok hi taking over ur post halfway thru but like I Get It™, and I've told you this before but you're my best friend, and for as long as you let me, I'll support you and help you towards the things you believe you can't get or deserve or are allowed to have. like yea, it's going to suck and be difficult, but we're going to be difficulter!!! together :3 bc stuff is so much more fun with company!

and sure, we're like still in the same sort of frame as we have been our entire life, but there's a lot of past restrictions that don't apply anymore but noticing that wasn't obvious in any way as it "is just a given" but it is not!!!!

I'll figure out some loopholes for the irrational rules or thoughts and ofc take it slow but we've changed a lot even if it doesn't feel like it! For one, we're not in the dark anymore and while frustration still occurs when We Can't Just Do The Tasks Or Things, nobody aims upset inwards bc we all understand it, and it's not just a mess of ???? why can't i just do these things that didn't give me any issues last time i did them and that is such a huge improvement

anyway!! blows u a kiss I love you very much and we'll get where we want to get! because we've already done that before, so we can do it again! 💖

[yourgentlegirlfriend]

hii,, pls dont let the hatenons get thru u and make urself doubt abt how u write. no one has the right to make someone feel sht for doing something that they want to the things that they do,, like how u write the characters in a story. and ffs if they think ur making someone ooc? then they havent seen any prompts in their entire life. no matter how goody or hell of a villain the character, therell always be prompts that makes the character(s) ooc. and like what? say all of the authors stay IN character, wouldn't that just be bland asf?? this place is a plothole for fanfictions, FANFICTIONS. so why not get wild with ur imagination?? go ham because u have the will and right to just do that. isnt it cool to see other self depiction and perspective of any characters that u fancy??? like, "oh no! what if santa was all seriousness and no laugh and blah blah blah" wouldn't that be fun to see and be explored and talked or whatever. and before that hatenon use this in retaliation, "that's santa not blah blah blah" god i hope that u have the brain to be able to analyze that its an example. dont they have any creative idea??? (i mean u can practically see the answer to that). and please, ure right when no one writes RE without going out of character, have they seen the domestic written fics FOR WESKER???? tell me anon, do u THINK that WESKER would be any like that??? or like that?? the closest thing he'll ever be to "domestic" is when involving with a woman in the sheets but then again, purely and only for his own benefits and nothing more (you'd be lucky if he doesnt kill u after all that). hes the most ooc out there in RE imo when written in fanfics bc people dont stay and write him in character bc people already see and know that and thats why and what makes him ooc here. hes literally the biggest example youll see,, my god. im not saying no one had written fics without going out of character, but they make it sound as if u did the most horrible thing by going ooc. and its literally easier to just not bother themself interacting with ur works if it doesnt sit right with them,, that easy. no need to be an ahole and spread sht just bc it doesnt cater u. go write one for urself then bc not all authors write only for us people out there, they also write here for themselves so naturally, youd see and read things out of ur taste. and tbh the og charm and personality of the characters arent lost and not that ooc to me yknow.... they're still them and just like what u said, not everything's to a T when it comes to writing someone,,,. i mean i just enjoy everything yall write bc thats how it should be done here. enjoy and reciprocate to the author

oooookkkay,, this is my piece of mind, and i need to calm down cuz holy sht i just literally woke up and seen this, u having hate anons again. i did not open this app just to see u be drag down. idk man, i feel protective of anyone who encounter this. bc why make someone as miserable as u?? im just tired seeing people being dckhead to someone minding their own business and life,, plus i rlly like u and ur works (⁠ ⁠´⁠◡⁠‿⁠ゝ⁠◡⁠`⁠)

sorry im anon too SHAKDISH but maybe i can be pancake anon eh? (im craving one rn 😋) fufufu, please have a good day and week and dont mind these kind of people. believe in u and ur capabilities as a writer and author here. we really appreciate you :))

hi pancake anon i love you and you stole the words right from my mouth.

Chris and leon have so much trauma i doubt they even have time to think about women it’s FAN FICTION. for a reason.

people get pissy at me for writing about the older men i head canon and i DONT GET IT

love u sm pancake anon thank you

[stylesloveclub]

i can absolutely say u are not alone. the amount of times i’ve cried about school is insane and i still don’t know what exactly i want to do in life. it’s frustrating. and so stressful. but i know i’ll figure it out some day and you will to! whatever ur going thru, ur not alone at all and tough times will pass. they won’t last forever :) rooting u on friend u got this!

my biggest issue is that i have noooo idea what im gonna do after college :( and bc of that im like ... am i even in the right major???? SO STRESSY :( but whateverrrr i am literally so young i have my entire life to figure this shit out! LOVE YA:)

[alienaiver]

Hi Nohr, I hope I'm not being rude for asking but I read you have ARFID? What is it like for you? I think I may have it but Im afraid of 'self diagnosing' and being judged 😖

hiii sweetheart! ✨ youre not being rude at all, im very open about my issues and stuff, so ill be happy to talk to u about it !! (if u also wanna rant or open up abt ur situation more privately u can go off anon (if ur comfortable) and ill reply privately or thru dm's <3)

and yep, ive had arfid my entire life. its been different things that have been safe foods at different periods of my life !!

im putting the rest under a read more bcos i go into detail of my current restricted diet and stuff, so if that triggers anyone, they wont be forced to see it !! its also just a bit long lmao

rn its Very bad and the only things i can get thru my mouth is crushed corn flakes, gummy bears, a specific ice cream and on/off cucumbers. like ive eaten nothing else since sunday and very little of either. anything else i try makes me gag, nauseous or can even give me meltdowns if forced to eat. im dizzy all the time rn and very frustrated about it 🙂‍↕️ its also sooo embarrassing because like ??? my dude those safe foods are literally candy? and im afraid i seem like i just do it to eat candy but its not and i feel so ashamed 😭

i AM hungry tho; i feel the hunger and the low blood sugar, so i try to eat, get clammy and/or triggered and then thats that. cant try again until ive regulated back to a calm state of mind and feel ready to try again.

i also react strongly to my roomie's food/the smell. i have to go into another room if they eat anything with a strong scent, or sit in the opposite end of the living room. luckily, theyre VERY understanding of it so they dont get offended!!!

as i said im going thru a kind of extreme phase right now, but in my usual day-to-day life theres still tons of food i can eat. when im stressed, have my period, big decisions or other life crisis my food selection instantly limits themselves.

but like normally i have at least 10-12 different safe food meals, besides my 2-3 comfort foods and am usually more willing to try new stuff and comfortable exploring new things.

my current arfid flare-up started during early summer where i started repeating the same three meals (like last year when i lived off of onigiri and ramen) ill go to great lengths to prepare and make the food that is safe but as soon as its unsafe, i dont go thru the trouble anymore; thats usually my first warning sign. i repeat few meals and feel safe eating less and less varieties.

for me its not about calories or weight restrictions; its 100% sensory input. im not afraid of having adverse reactions like allergies, i just physically LOATHE the food in my mouth, it grows as i chew it and it instantly triggers my gag reflex.

theres little else to do about it but go thru it as best as i am able, drink lots of water and then supplement with shakes of fruit and protein powder. usually my arfid is a symptom of distress, which means i have to fix the underlying issue before it goes back to normal.

you should never fear self-diagnosing in any capacity, because the only thing an 'official' diagnosis is important for is a) treatment accessibility and b) inner understanding and comfort in knowing youre not alone. in a lot of countries, assessments like these cost so much with no insurance, so theres no shame in learning and figuring out yourself.

even if you end up not 'qualifying' for an arfid diagnosis, it does nOT take away your issues around food or the validity in your search for solutions !!!!

i wish no one would get judged for any 'quirky' eating habits but i think its something - depending on what youre able to eat - you may need to face daily or weekly. i have a very understanding circle of people around me, and ive been struggling with eating since i was a kid, so many people in my circle are also just. used to it. they worry and in the past theyve tried to force me to eat by taking me to restaurants that didnt have my safe foods to entice me to eat differently which is ALWAYS humiliating (they dont do it anymore). theyve since learned that taking it into consideration is way easier for everyone, and will make for a more positive experience if they want me included in the eating part of anything social.

a way to handle it is to practice how to respond to judgy comments, and figuring out what you want to get out of those. are you interested in educating them about arfid and why it is hard for you? maybe learn and remember some facts or offer some sources to send that they can read, and that youre happy to explain your experiences (if you are). maybe youre just looking to appease the situation and make your eating a non-topic? then shut it down 'nicely' with a smile and a laugh like 'yea, i definitelt am picky ahaha'. it can feel a bit like shooting yourself down choosing that road, but if its people u know you dont want to have the discussion with/will make it uncomfortable or youre just not that interested in opening up to them, you can shut it down like that. for me, practicing a few formulated replies in case anyone comments on it, have made it way less anxiety inducing for me to join in social gatherings and feel less blindsided !! (and if i have to go out to eat somewhere new i check the menu online beforehand!)

my twin has pretty hardcore arfid too and when we were kids, a little worse than me, so in some aspects ive never really been alone with my issues or felt completely ashamed because she was going through the same thing, which in my case, was lucky. i wasnt the odd one out or the weird kid (we were the weird twins tho lmao but we had each other !!!) but im sure finding community in facebook groups or even here (with me or others) can also really help on the shame around being so picky. let me know if you have any more questions or wanna talk about ur experiences, im genuinely genuinely always up for a chat and here for anyone who needs it !!! 🥰🧡

[ladymortimer]

hii I was trying to watch Bojack but loss interest when s2 started idk why!!! this was like. awhile ago. I saw your post- is it worth it to keep powering thru/should I give it another chance people LOVE this show

In my opinion you should power through! Bojack is my Netflix original fave so obviously I super love it ahsbdhdnd, further into the series they also experiment with the episode formatting (an eulogy for an entire episode, same story told throughout 3 different times but runs organically, a listicle,....) and it's also fun to know that s5 is a just a giant middle finger to Harvey Weinstein. And every character arc gets a nice finish.

I'm a huge fan of well written characters like this is definitely the type of story where the characters carry the story.

I watched it the first time when s5 was announced so when I was like 16-17ish so it might also be partly nostalgia. 😅 But it helped me learn to understand a lot of life, relationships, boundaries, emotions, how things don't turn out as u initially thought but that doesn't mean u can compromise/find another way,.... And also there are so many quotes that live in my mind rent-free, like "it gets easier. But you have to do it every day that's the hard part" or the one about drowning.

The complaint I hear about this show is how that it's "overwritten"/"riddled with exposition" but imo it makes sense bc it's mainly about the emotions and the actions some characters did (mainly Bojack) and how this affected them. There's one scene in particular where Bojack had to list all the bad things he done and there's this little "background gag" where 2 characters wrote in different colors how they affected them. Like actions have consequences, the past is still haunting them but they work through and I think that's admirable: to come to terms to what happened, what you done, what you get out of it and how you're gonna move forward.

Like I can just go on about this show, if u decide to power through let me know! I would love to hear ur opinion on it bc I literally can go on about this show for sooooooooooo long. Thank you for asking ♥️‼️