#like at least admit as part of the immediate narrative that the victim blaming just ain't cool

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

"wow how pathetic it is of a man who isn't much of a fighter to be afraid and want to live in the middle of aggressors invading his lands"

WHY WON'T U JUST GIVE UP AND STOP DEFENDING YOUR LANDS THAT WE'RE INVADING AND ATTACKING ON TOP OF YOU LITERALLY DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO US

[loveteruko]

my predictions (bingo?) for drdt, chapter 2 culprit and also everything beyond, because i'm hyped, and why not!!

the original version of this post was too long and i was yapping. it felt like i was saying everything there is to say, but also nothing of real importance, so i decided to throw everything here, without all my overcomplicated rambling (some stayed though), and hope for the best that this will satisfy the fixated monster in me that needs to get my thoughts out there. also it will be fun to see in the future what was right or wrong.

so, for all of these predictions, please assume that my reasoning is either:

theorists made such well put together points that i checked the evidence on my own while also overanalysing the heck out of it and now i'm convinced

there's not much concrete proof but i think it would make narrative sense, or it would be a great direction for some character's development from what we've already seen of them

i don't even know but sometimes we just vibe and sometimes things are real in our hearts

funny thing is that i find drdt so interesting with how it handles its themes, how it foreshadows, establishes, and resolves, that i'm not actually certain about any of these. my mind wants to analyse it like it's a standard danganronpa game, like it's easy to predict smaller plot points because of the obvious bigger picture, but the special thing about drdt is that i have no idea what the whole bigger picture really is. all i know is that we're focused on trust and distrust, and we will surely follow that path, but i actually have no idea what else is in store. and i'm rambling again but bear with me. point is: i like the writing for drdt and i know i'm not prepared for whatever will be happening later down the line.

so now, for my small predictions bingo:

as most of the community on tumblr thinks, eden and levi are culprit and possible accomplice. that's the part i'm almost sure of, one of them is getting executed. i, however, am not sure who played which role. i'd like to think levi is the one who came up with most of the plan to help eden win the trial, and he's the one with the secret of killing before the killing game (which arei got), but i can't tell why exactly eden would kill arei. eden is not secretly evil. logically there should be some trick here, or it was an accident, but the eden thing to do would be to immediately admit she did it. unless that's where levi comes into play, and he's the one who pulled even more strings, not only setting up the crime scene, but also getting eden to play along. which makes me think eden would still be the one qualified as the blackened, then levi gets to blame himself and gets sick development or whatever. and maybe he lives to try to kill or at least beat the shit out of ace but ace will not die. let's say i'm going with that. eden is the culprit

whit has some special role. he's either the mastermind, or traitor, or key to ending the game, or whatever you want to call it. there's something off about whit with how he seems to know too much

rose sleeps a lot so i think there must be a point in time where someone uses that to accuse or even frame her for murder. although i don't think she will ever get killed when sleeping. i think she's going to be a survivor

ace won't be a victim, and he doesn't seem like a culprit either, so by process of elimination he needs to survive the game

david is not evil or malicious at heart, it's his depression talking. we're dealing with someone burnt out from keeping up his optimistic persona. all this act is self-sabotage and self-deprecation. he cared for arei and now he's spiraling. he will get better though, trust

i know i already talked about chapter 2 culprit but quick hu mention: she is not the culprit simply because i have no idea what her character really is yet. all i know is she is morally grey and she will not die yet because she needs to interact with nico, david, and others some more

arturo is not going to make friends with anyone other than maybe veronica, because everyone hates him, BUT he will not die that soon. i can feel him surviving at least one more chapter just out of spite. if he dies, it's not earlier than chapter four

j will not kill and she will not survive to the end. she will be a victim. my guess is chapter 3, for no particular reason.

contrary to the two points above, there's an alternate scenario i have in mind, with arturo dying next chapter and j being accused, but still innocent. and she would still become a victim later in the game, probably chapter four

veronica is too much of a wild card but if i were to predict something regarding her role... IF she was a blackened (and i can't tell if she will be), she wouldn't be all that happy or excited about it. there would be some reflection on her part. some subtle commentary on how enjoyment of darker media doesn't, or shouldn't, equal supporting or resorting to real violence. also basically everyone in the fandom agrees her secret is the one about harming herself just to feel something. this ties to what i said, i think. maybe she would kill to test herself, but taking a life will not bring her contentment

teruko will trust less before she learns to trust more (especially if eden really will die), but if there's someone she will learn to trust first, it's going to be charles. if she gets a "pep talk" about trust, it's somehow going to be from david. one asshole to another type of conversation where he's trying to help because he does genuinely care for his classmates

nico will not try to kill anyone again, but they also won't survive

this is probably all, i don't know because i wrote this at night and fell asleep. if anyone other than me stayed to read this, thank you for coming to my ted talk

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes, How do you do? Hope you're having a good time in your vacation!

I'm a 25F (unhealthy, level 1) INFJ, and my mother (late 40s) is ISFJ. I- have some issues myself and it's affecting my relationships. I currently stay away from socializing and bottling up my issues and problems. If it gets bad I cry alone in the bathroom dealing with mixed feelings of love and resentment.

I don't know how to start but I recently realized my mother has toxic traits and this causes some inner conflict. I understand she has went through a lot in life (so did my dad, still typing him)...but I want her to realize she too is flawed, not just us. There are various times she hurt me with words and during some of those incidents, we end up fighting and I say things in anger that hurt her. She believes she is never in the wrong and adapts the victim mentality. Whenever I try to reason with her, she doesn't admit her faults and immediately brings up things I did in the past. She actually repeats whatever we say in a taunting manner out of spite. As I write this, I am realizing this sounds ridiculous.

While growing up, she hated me being close to my dad and manipulated me using the victim mentality, so she succeeded in making me dislike my father in childhood. One time when we fought, I told her, "now I understand why dad doesn't bother to clear up things with you! You never listen and twist words!" She took this as betrayal and thinks I'm completely on dad's side, who hurt her. I did not dismiss her pain. I want her to understand all of us are messed up and we need to work on ourselves and fix things.

I fear that as she grows old, she'll grow more stubborn and become narcissistic. I fear that I would become like her in the future after getting married and act like her to my children and spouse in the future. My parents themselves are unhealthy due to having grown up in unhealthy and toxic environments themselves, and their parents were bounded by toxic traditions like patriarchal misogynistic practices. I am afraid of this cycle continuing, the cycle of unhealthy parents hurting their children and they grow up like that too. What should I do? How do I make my parents realize we all need help and need to improve ourselves?

I know first and foremost I should be improving myself, but I am also worried about them. I am not saying I am perfect, I also have some toxic traits but I watch myself when interacting with others. There are so many I's and reeks of narcissism, need to stop that. Also realized that I'm probably having a problem with my parent's toxic traits, maybe it's my high standards not letting me accept these flaws. They took great pains to raise me and my sibling, but it also hurts me to see them like this, I just want them to be happy and be in harmony. Apologies for this rambling, it's hard to put them in order since English is not my first language.

--------------------

The main problem is that neither you nor your mom is capable of healthy relationship boundaries. When two people don't set, respect, and enforce proper boundaries, they easily end up in a vicious cycle of conflict, even when they love each other. Why? In a close relationship, two people know exactly what buttons to push and how to bait each other into conflict. Why bait each other into conflict? When there is a serious underlying problem and/or traumatic wounding in the relationship that remains unresolved, the two parties will rehash the problem or replay the trauma over and over again, in an unconscious attempt to achieve resolution or feel a sense of closure.

Unfortunately, resolution or closure rarely happens, because during the conflict, the pain is never truly heard or addressed. The cycle of conflict then gradually escalates, as both parties get more aggressive in wanting to be heard and validated. Each person uses the conflict to act out their unresolved ego dramas and traumas. You both claim to be victims and you use each other to reinforce the victim narrative. While it might be true that you are both victims in some form, it is unproductive to keep accusing each other of being the enemy or victimizer. Nobody will ever "win" this conflict because nobody is really listening to the pain that is being expressed. The blame game destroys the good will required to reach mutual understanding.

A repetitive cycle of conflict continues because BOTH parties are putting energy into it and perpetuating it. Oftentimes, one major contributing factor to the original problem/trauma was poor communication skills or hurtful communication habits. Until at least one of the two parties improves their ability to listen and communicate maturely, there is nothing to stop the cycle of conflict, short of severing the relationship for good.

Your mom has "toxic traits" that created a toxic environment for you growing up. You acknowledge that you have similarly toxic traits and want to address them. Good. You're an adult now. An important part of growing up is becoming independent and taking personal responsibility for the trajectory of your life. You make the decisions as an adult, so your problems are in your hands. Her problems are hers to handle. Your process of healing should not require anything from your mom or even blaming your mom.

The fact that you want her to admit fault, accompany you, or work on herself means that you are violating her boundary. You want her to change, when she isn't ready or doesn't want to. You use criticism to pressure her and that causes her pain. Her maltreatment of you during conflict is an expression of the pain that you're causing her. Similarly, the way that you mistreat her is the manifestation of the pain she has caused you in the past. The longer the pain remains unresolved, the more likely it is that the hurt turns into anger, then rage, then spite...

You don't like the ways in which she tries to manipulate you to be who/what she wants you to be. That's fair. But you're not fully recognizing that you're doing the same thing to her. You're essentially saying that you won't be able to grow up and move on with your life until she becomes the mom that you want her to be. In a way, you're holding the both of you hostage. It doesn't matter if you believe that you're being altruistic and it's "for her own good" - she believes exactly the same thing when she tries to change you. Trying to change her, against her will, amounts to an attack on her being. If you're not able to love someone as they are, you're in no position to help them. If you're not able to communicate with someone without causing hurt to yourself or them, you're in no position to help them. "Helping" is about supporting people in their efforts, not about constantly pressuring them to live up to your standards.

You are too emotionally entangled with her. You want her validation, her support, her empathy, her cooperation, her confession, her atonement, etc. It sounds like none of that is forthcoming, nor is it even necessary. As long as you can't face the reality of who your mom is and keep expecting her to be different, YOU are choosing to keep yourself tied to her and her toxic ways. Yes, everyone needs social support in life, but as an adult, you should no longer need a "mom".

To become independent, you need to draw your own personal boundary in life and work within it to heal your personality problems. When you become a capable boundary setter and carve out your own space in the world, you know to rest and recuperate within its bounds and you know to keep people out when they don't respect its bounds. If you need help or support with your healing, she is obviously not the right choice, is she? She is not capable of entering your boundary without the conflict arising again, is she? There's nothing wrong with needing help/support, but you are not going to find much success by seeking it from the least qualified of sources.

Children aren't born knowing how to conduct healthy and mature relationships, so they can't be expected to understand boundaries when no one taught them. However, as an adult, it is your responsibility to address that knowledge deficit, if you hope to break past patterns and have healthy relationships. Do you understand what a boundary is, how to set one, and how to enforce one? It's about respecting your own being, respecting the being of others, and learning how to mingle with people without allowing hurt or violation. I suggest that you work with a therapist who specializes in relationships and boundary setting. Judging by the nature of your disagreements with her, you need to work on your communication skills and conflict resolution skills too. See the related tags and book suggestions on the resources page.

[trashlie]

I'm loving all your ILY posts! I've also seen your comments on reddit and I enjoy reading your insightful analysis there, too. I would like to know your thoughts on Kousuke and Alyssa. Do you think they will become narrative foils? I noticed they were acting awkwardly around each other too (it kind of reminds me of how annoyed Soushi reacts around Maya) and she seems to have a crush on him 👀 I think she'll be used to contrast how he's still capable of redemption. 1/?

I mean Yui groomed them both successfully. They have shown to emulate her behavior, value their reputation over other people's feelings, and refuse to take accountability for their actions against Shin Ae and Nol. But unlike Kousuke, Alyssa has shown no hint of remorse or even guilt. 2/?

Waaahh thank you so much, anon! Isn't it silly that I still go :O when I realize people actually enjoy what I have to say? I started yelling into the void on tumblr because I got worried I was too active on reddit and I was possibly annoying people lmaooooo so I'm actually really glad you're able to find me on both platforms! It means a lot that I'm not just yelling into a total void.

If you don't mind, I'm breaking your ask down into two parts, because I might leave somethin off/this will get too long if I keep it all in one lol. BUT you bring up things I love to think about!!!!! So!!!!!

I think we are deliberately kept in the dark about Alyssa - whether it's to subvert the scheming girl trope, I'm not sure, but there's a lot of things we don't know about her and that's definitely on purpose. She's a character who probably won't be revealed more to us for a while yet, too, which is frustrating if only because I want to know everything NOW, but it does serve to make her more interesting.

Alyssa's interest in Kousuke is so obvious I can't believe I never noticed it in my original reads. I've seen this brushed off as "She just admires him" and I'm just like... she actually sulked for a moment about Kousuke leaving! Meanwhile she was straight up all but telling Nol she'll help him pack his bags lmao.

I feel like the cast of her shadow is deliberate, too, but look at that face. Sulking.

Compare with

There's room to argue that we can't see Alyssa's face when she first tells him she won't stop him, but she kind of makes it abundantly clear that Nol being away doesn't really affect her. And, I mean, look at how their relationship is conducted. She's bragged to Meg that she and Nol are so casual and cool and easy breezy.

(I guess that means there ALSO is room to argue that Alyssa is putting on a front and just saying this to make sure people think her relationship is great, but the only People who know is Meg. And as a people pleaser, if Alyssa felt uncomfortable with the casual nature of her relationship with Nol, wouldn't she actually do more to make the relationship more of what she wants? Notably during the conversation on the balcony, she basically tells Nol this isn't really her dream relationship, which leads to the admission that they are together not for each other but for the benefits they each get so......)

Kousuke is the one who confuses me the most, because it strikes me as really weird that Yui has used Alyssa as leverage before against Kousuke. "You should bring a date, Kousuke, Alyssa will be there." What does this mean? What does it have to do with him and why would it entice him to bring anyone, anyway? I'm still really baffled on this one, tbh. Something that really stood out to me was during the dinner when Nol finally revealed he was planning to attend Oxford, Kousuke was distracted by his own news that the CFO position would be opening. In fact, when Nol mentions attending Oxford later, Kousuke seems to act like this is his first time hearing it.

Nol takes note of Kousuke's state of distraction before he finally starts talking about his plan.

The way quim does the dialogue and suddenly Kousuke's interest returning is.... interesting isn't it? From the moment Nol notes Kousuke's disinterest, we don't see his face again until Rand brings up Alyssa. Quim doesn't do anything without reason - in a movie, you wouldn't waste film on Kousuke's interesting returning at the mention of Alysa unless it meant anything, right?

There's so many little moments that make me go what the heck is going on here, too.

What the heck is up with THIS? Why does Kousuke deliberate SO LONG before he calls Alyssa? Like, do I think he's really so weirded out about calling his younger brother's girlfriend, considering he has one of his younger brother's own friends reporting on him and at his beck and call? You can't convince me that he's hesitant only because Alyssa is the sister of Meg. It just seems too wary.

And yes, this moment here?

It really does have the same tone as Soushi's wariness of Maya, except is Kousuke wary of Alyssa in the same way? Is he wary of her intentions? This one is so hard for me to read, because frankly, at this point it's hard to tell if Kousuke even cares about Nol as a brother or because he was forced to and he feels deep-buried remorse for the way he treated him and doesn't know how to handle it. Is he just aware of Alyssa's keen interest in him and that puts him on edge? Would he even care about Alyssa's keen interest unless she starts to get pushy?

I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA and frankly, it drives me nuts, so I love to discuss this and see what other people have to say. I'd never even noticed how long he deliberates before finally calling her until someone on reddit pointed that out.

lmao this so much preamble to get to the point but anyway YES they are absolutely parallels and I do wonder if they would become foils. Again, it's hard to know with Alyssa because we've been deliberately shielded so much of her personality right now and it's hard to tell what's real and what's not with her. The way that she worries about Shinae telling Nol what she did absolutely reads to me as a lack of remorse, but maybe I'm just projecting because we haven't been given much reason to like her lol. Shinae definitely makes it seem like Alyssa never actually apologized and the way Shinae just brushes it off makes me feel like there was never actual, proper closure. What Alyssa did is worse than just causing her injury: it was why she did it and how she reacted like Shinae was something dirty and how dare she even talk to her even though Shinae probably just wanted to know why Alyssa stopped being friends with her. Maybe she was even seeking closure at the time.

In the same way that Nol and Shinae are mirrors, Kousuke and Alyssa are their parallel abusers, grooming victims of Yui, those who care more about their image and reputation than anything else and have hurt others (Nol and Shinae) in their quest to fill the role. We still don't know if Alyssa dated Nol because she genuinely had a crush (doubtful so far) or because she figured out the family he's from and wanted to get closer. I try so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt but narratively we aren't privy to that yet. Also, have you noticed that Nol and Shinae both have a relationship of some kind with each others' abuser? This mirror and their parallel abusers thing is INTRICATELY woven.

That's what makes it so difficult to tell if she'll become a foil or merely a parallel that highlights what Nol and Shinae have been through. We know Kousuke will receive a redemption arc, because he's a main character, and also because I think part of subverting his trope is that he has to take responsibility for his past actions, rather than being loved in spite of the things he's done or whatever. In order for Kousuke to proper and develop further, he has to be held accountable and he has to break free of his family. Can we trust the same for Alyssa? At this point, she doesn't want to lose Nol because she knows if she loses him, she can just as easily lose her career and access to the world she's only just gained access to (and if she were to lose it all right now, it would be worse for her because she'd have all those trainee fees to pay back).

I think both Kousuke and Alyssa are likely in for a very public airing of their sins; for Kousuke it may come in the form of the expose YuJing is working on, collateral damage in the quest to take down Yui. I also think the only way to nudge Kousuke to change is that his image has to take a hit in some form. Is it that Rand isn't his father? Is it a reveal that he abused his brother? Is it whatever happened in the past that Nol got in trouble for was caused by Kousuke and he let Nol take the blame? Likewise, I think the fact that people knew Alyssa in middle school means she's not so safe, either; what if one of the girls from after school duty reveals what happened? Surely there were rumors going around school about what happened - Shinae is out of school, Alyssa is pulled from school, kids talk. Frankly, a scandal like that could ruin her career, and worse, if Nol knew what she had done, would he be able to remain shackled to her?

While I know Kousuke won't immediately take responsibility for his actions, I've always believed that such a catalyst would at least make him start thinking about it and force him to admit it. It wouldn't happen over night, but in time it will. But will Alyssa? Would she deny the allegations? Would she just shift blame, insist that it was all an accident, that it wasn't bullying like you think? (Cos look, I do believe it was an accident, but there's a way to call it an accident and still admit fault and blame; but just as easily you can call it an accident and try to shirk responsibility.)

I do love the idea of her being a foil for Kousuke, an Aesop's fable, if you will, of what happens when you barter with the devil (Yui). I'm not opposed to the scheming female character type, but I do oppose it when they take down others to raise themselves up, and if that's the way Alyssa will end up doing it, then I'll be happy to watch her fall. If she can scheme and use her connections without hurting people then hey power to ya. Unlike Alyssa, Kousuke never had a chance to evade Yui, and being able to walk away from her as an adult will be a choice he can make. Alyssa loses... so much if she breaks her deal.

I guess that's the thing about where she and Nol are in their relationship now - it's been made clear he's hanging in here because he's forced to and as a sort of act of self-sabotage, full well knowing she's here because she's taking advantage of the opportunities that "dating" him brings so... if they're in an agreement, is it okay to watch her climb right now? She leaves me conflicted and I know it's largely because she's one of the characters we know just enough to hate but so little to justify. Could it be that it all just got out of hand for her? At first she just wanted friends, was trying to find a place to belong, something good in a life that deprived her of social connections. And then comes along Yui, seducing her with ideas of fame and fortune? Was the desire to be loved and admired so strong it powered over the need to fit in with friends and she readily cast them off? Did she not anticipate what it would actually mean, thought she could have her cake and eat it, too? The way she responds to Nol's texts, and the fact that Dieter and Soushi ask him about her, means she probably isn't even in touch with them at all anymore. Idk, I really look forward to seeing their dynamic pre-idol Alyssa, because I want to know how she fit with them, what was it like?

And then, because this was supposed to be about foils lmao you have the fact that Shinae basically foils both Alyssa and Kousuke in regard to Nol, both as a person who cares about him and also as "a good friend" vs "the person I'm currently seeing" lmao like, everyone is literally set to juxtapose each other and man, I'll never get over how well this has been done lmao. Compared to Kousuke and Alyssa, Shinae is the one who accepts responsibility even when it's difficult, who knows when and how to swallow her pride (even if she's not the one who should) and I think it's why she is the one seen a the champion at Nol's side - they are the ones who care little for their images and who know how to apologize (even when they aren't the ones who should be) and that's why they are at each other's sides.

So yes, this is a very long essay response lol to essentially say: I'm still undecided if I think Alyssa will become a foil or merely remain a parallel. I would love to see her redeem herself but something tells me not all characters in this story will be redeeamable. Maybe one day we'll understand her motivation, even if we don't agree with it. I hope at the very least she makes peace with Shinae, but I get the feeling she'll be forced into it (as in, her secret gets ousted) and that's not as satisfying, but hey, if it helps Shinae then I'm for it.

A friend of mine has mused that maybe Alyssa will be the one to oust the secret herself and I'm ngl, I like that idea though it does feel kind of vindictive towards her character. Maybe accidentally spilling it to Nol would be the segue to a couple episodes from her POV though!

Gosh this was so long I'm so sorry lmao but please follow up with your thoughts and feelings, too, or if this made you think of anything or what! I think at this point in the story we've been given a lot of information but we just don't have enough of it to totally piece together what we're supposed to be seeing. I think Kousuke and Alyssa's weirdness around each other is very deliberate, though, and I'm not sure "She's Meg's sister" is enough to warrant so many panels of Kou being SO WEIRD about her, you know? Am I missing thing? Is there more to be revealed? Are we just blind? lmao Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh

[scripttorture]

I've googled around and gone through this blog a bit looking for something that could help, but either I missed it or- I need to ask it myself :'D I understand most of the effects of sensory deprivation(complete deprivation, in this case, no sound, sight, feeling, ect), but what would the immediate effects be like after just being released from said deprivation? Would there be outbursts towards anyone trying to help/touch them, extreme sensitivity to sound or light, ect? Thank you in advance you're doing a great job with this blog <3

So I think part of the reason you’re struggling to find any information is a combination of academic paywalls and the dubious recording of results for some of these experiments.

 My understanding is that there are several data sets for sensory deprivation but the sources I have access to cover three: Hebb’s experiments with volunteers in a ‘Baldwin’s box’ set up, Cameron’s abuse of around 100 mental health patients using similar set up and Lilly’s experiments using volunteers in a tank. Cameron’s notes are only really ‘helpful’ for demonstrating that sensory deprivation quickly and thoroughly fucks up the human brain. They establish a timeframe where permanent damage is likely and show what that damage is likely to look like.

 You can read about that in the masterpost here.

 It is worth stressing that consent and being able to stop something make a huge difference to our experience of it. It can, quite literally, change the amount of pain we feel. Experiments with sensory deprivation and solitary confinement both confirm that volunteering for something harmful increases the length of time we’re ‘comfortable’ subjecting ourselves to it.

 For Hebb’s volunteers the main side effect after around 24 hours was extreme disorientation. They struggled to walk down straight corridors. The sources I have don’t report distress in the volunteers. They also don’t report how long it took for the volunteers to re-orient themselves and recover.

 Based on what is reported I get the impression that the volunteers recovered relatively quickly. I can’t say with certainty whether they did struggle with things like light and noise in that initial period. That information just isn’t recorded in the sources I have. What is recorded is a pretty huge lack of coordination and confusion. There might also be some memory problems surrounding time spent in the ‘box’ (it was actually a small room but the term box seems to have stuck.)

 It’s difficult for me to be sure whether the descriptions from volunteers are memory problems or a result of the hallucinations and confusion sensory deprivation causes. Hell it could be all three.

 There aren’t any reports of aggression or violence in the volunteers. At least not that I could find.

 Volunteers from Lilly’s tank seem to have come out of 2-3 hours in the tank kind of… well high. They may have hallucinated but they generally seemed relaxed. Which might be why the tank was re-purposed as a spa treatment. (For those who wish to manipulate their brains I assume?)

 Volunteers from experiments using Baldwin’s Box do not seem to have experienced the same relaxed state. But there aren’t any reports of high anxiety that I could find.

 You do see reports of aggression and high levels of anxiety in some of the ‘experiments’ that were conducted without the consent of the subjects. For instance when Baldwin locked a soldier in one of these boxes and refused to let him out the man kicked his way out of the box and attempted to beat Baldwin. Baldwin’s notes describe the man crying, screaming and begging to be released.

 Cameron also recorded a high degree of distress in the people he was abusing.

 So some of the answer depends on whether we’re talking about a voluntary or abusive scenario. It’s also worth considering that an outburst may not be coherent or coordinated. Which means that it’s unlikely to be effective.

 I am struggling a little here because what you’re asking isn’t really something that’s covered by the dataset. I think it’s plausible. But I also think it’s worth taking a moment to consider the character.

 They’re going to be disorientated, confused and distressed. They’ve probably hallucinated. Their memory might not be trustworthy.

 Do outbursts fit with the character in this state? Does it make sense with the interaction these characters have had previously?

 Is this rescuer/helper someone the victim character has known for a long time and cares about or are they a relatively new acquaintance? What’s the level of trust here and does it come with expectations like ‘why didn’t you save me sooner’?

 Because without clear evidence to fall back on those are good narrative things to base the character’s response on.

 Sensitivity to light and sound would make logical sense. But based on the accounts I think this is more likely to feed in to the disorientation and look like disorientation rather then sensory overload. Less ‘light and sound hurt’ and more ‘I can not interpret this light and noise as things I recognise and speech’.

 I can’t be sure of that though. There’s a real lack of survivors accounts here. Most of what I’ve read is someone else’s impressions or observations of people who were in sensory deprivation (whether it was an abusive scenario or not.)

 That can be helpful. An outside perspective is useful when we’re talking about things that mess with memory and the brain. But there’s a limited amount outside perspectives can tell us about the lived experience. Survivors might have a very different take on this observed disorientation. They might have different ideas about sensitivity to sensory input too.

 I put a lot of emphasis on realism because I think it’s important to know when we’re breaking with reality and to consider what those breaks with reality imply. I think that we need to be more mindful and considerate of real survivors when we write about violence.

 I don’t think we should ignore the fact that most people get their information on torture from fiction rather then the increasing body of scientific studies. Especially when fiction usually falls back on tropes that are not only wrong but wrong in ways that tacitly support torture.

 But I’m the first person to admit that we need more data about a lot of this stuff. There are some questions we honestly don’t know the answers to yet.

 I don’t think we can blame anyone for using the best information they had at the time and making a reasonable guess at the rest. Even if that guess turns out to be wrong.

 So take the information you have, look up some of the sources in the Sensory Deprivation masterpost if you can. Then try to build something that is a reasonable extrapolation based on what you’ve read and fits with the characters you’ve created.

 I hope this helps :)

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[d2kvirus]

Dickheads of the Month: March 2021

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of March 2021 to make sure that they are never forgotten.

It was brainless enough when the Metropolitan Police suggested that Sarah Everard’s death could be blamed on her for walking home alone at night - but when it turned out that it was a police officer who murdered her, who had also been previously let off at least one case of publicly exposing himself entirely because he was a police officer, brainless left the table and instead we found ourselves noticing they were trying to blame the victim while had covered up for the eventual perpetrator

...while we also had the angry men of Twitter respond to Janie Jones’ clearly not serious suggestion that if a 6pm curfew for women were to be introduced then she would call for a 6pm curfew for men with all manner of bile, shouting, finger-pointing, and comments which the police might just so happen to want to look into

...while smirking bully Priti Patel also managed to get her oar in, as various Reclaim The Streets Vigils were shut down by the police (which is a good look, all things considered...) using the legislation that Patel rushed through a few days earlier to combat BLM protests several months after the BLM protests happened

...but then the Metropolitan Police managed to pivot the focus back onto themselves with their heavy-handed tackling of a vigil on Clapham Common that ended up with them handcuffing various women who were there - which they weren’t so keen to do when Kate Middleton was there - before releasing a statement that boiled down to “Look what you made us do” and then rushing to protect a statue of Winston Churchill for no reason whatsoever but making sure to have lots of photos of them protecting their precious statue anyway

...but then the Tory government demanded they get the last word by bulldozing through their boot stamping on a human face forever policing bill that bans all forms of protests due to it causing “annoyance” as if protesting against the ills of society is the same thing as somebody cutting in front of you in the supermarket queue or not holding open a door

...although the Metropolitan Police did try and regain their title as Biggest Dickheads the following week when an anti-lockdown march featuring professional victim Lawrence Fox and fecal enthusiast Gillian McKeith was met by the police letting them walk in a large, huddled mass without a mask between them and didn't lift a single finger

...and there’s nothing sinister about how the BBC failed to broadcast a single item saying the bill had been bulldozed through, while the piece on their website was buried instead of being on the front page

...and then at the buzzer Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services published a report saying that the police acted appropriately at the vigil, in spite of a wealth of evidence and eyewitness testimony saying they absolutely fucking didn’t

Of course we can trust the Tory government when they publish a report stating that racism isn't a systemic issue in the United Kingdom, even when various people cited as experts for this report were very surprised to hear that they were part of it given they were never asked for their input

So it has been found that proven liar Boris Johnson misled parliament over the Covid contracts being doled out by the Tories, which I’m sure will lead to widespread calls in the media for his resignation - or are we to believe that the real reason for the British media calling for Nicola Sturgeon’s resignation is down to something different?

To sum up the British press completely losing their minds about the Meghan Markle interview, we had various royal correspondents responding to some of the more serious allegations with a combination of vicious smears that don’t debunk a single thing she said or outright misrepresenting what she said to try and tip the narrative in the Royals’ favour, while the Press Gazette issued a statement rejected her claims of bigotry in the British media that can easily be disproved in seconds with photos of various front pages of The Sun, the Daily Mail and the Daily Express on whichever subject you wish to choose - which was supported unintentionally by Ian Murray trying to shout down criticism having been presented with examples of such bigotry live on air - and in response to Murray’s hapless showing, the Society of Editors put out a mealy-mouthed nonpology that pretended that nobody ever said anything about bigotry...before suggesting Murray bugger off

...although Piers Moron Morgan picked up the baton for nastiness by first accusing Meghan of making up that she had suicidal thoughts and immediately after the interview aired it was announced that Meghan’s estranged father was lined up for an interview, although it does have to be said he was far from the only person to respond by throwing that at Meghan like a rock - only to then flounce out of the Good Morning Britain studio when called out for his bullshit, shortly before being told to hand in his resignation or else

So after Keir Starmer tore up the ballot for the Liverpool mayoral election last months, you would expect him to name a new list of candidates that was more to his liking - which is cynical enough - right?  Wrong, instead he backed the government's plans to seize control of the city, meaning that Keir Starmer handed over the Labour stronghold of Liverpool to the Tories with no fucking questions asked

Further enhancing public trust in the police was Andy Marsh of Avon and Somerset Police claiming that several of his officers suffered broken bones and one a punctured lung dealing with the protests in Bristol - which turned out to be a complete lie, a lie told by the Chief Constable of Avon and Somerset Police, as not a single officer was treated for any of those injuries

...and a few days later Avon and Somerset Police apparently had to deal with mindless thugs attacking police batons with their faces and seated protesters holding up their hand throwing themselves into their riot shields.  Oh wait, that isn't what happened, instead they waded in swinging batons and using blading tactics with their shields

Nice to know that the Tory government are so in control of the Covid pandemic that somebody with the Brazilian variant got through the tough measures of testing people on arrival by simply not filling out the form - and it was three weeks before the Tory government admitted this had happened

...and the main response appeared to be Chris Philp posting a lot of tweets pointing the finger at Croydon council for something completely unrelated the same day it emerged the person with the Brazilian variant was in Croydon, which looked like a blatant attempt to game Twitter’s search algorithm

Smirking bully Priti Patel ended up having to pay off Sir Philip Rutnam to make his claims against her go away after an expensive court case with the taxpayer footing the bill, which I’m sure will lead to widespread calls in the media for his resignation - or are we to believe that the real reason for the British media calling for Nicola Sturgeon’s resignation is down to something different?   

Nice guy Rishi Sunak wowed people with his Budget, where he gave NHS staff a 1% pay raise that, in some cases, amounts to £3.50 a week which won’t even cover the fees to park at their place of work, claims that he wouldn’t raise taxes while sneaking in tax hikes, bunging an additional £15bn to Serco for their woeful Test & Trace system, and also pretending that the UK could pursue freeports now that they're out of the EU in spite the UK having seven freeports between 1998-2012 - but we’re supposed to ignore all of that because he paid to have ludicrously self-aggrandising videos of himself made

Smirking bully Priti Patel not only somehow managed to pay £5400 in a single trip to Primark, nearly £7000 in two trips to a restaurant, and £700 on cupcakes,  but also claimed the lot on her expenses - however she most certainly did not spend £77,000 on having her eyebrows done, as that business was wound up  2018, meaning she spend £77,000 somewhere - which of course led to widespread calls in the media that she resign

So nice of proven liar Boris Johnson to say how glad he is to hear that Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe is being released from prison in Iran.  Yes, that would be the same Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe who was imprisoned in Iranian prison due to proven liar Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, who was then Foreign Secretary, not reading his brief and then blurting out of she was guilty of the charges she was being held under which then led to her being given the prison sentence she has just been released from

In response to the Georgia shooting Fox News really read the mood of the nation when the debate was about anti-Asian hate and incel terrorism by doing their damndest to make sure the message told everyone who the real victim was: the shooter, that poor white boy that he is

It was so nice of proven liar Boris Johnson to arrange a charity gala to...hang on, let me check my notes, raise funds so that Carrie Symonds could redecorate her Downing Street flat

According to Andrew Pierce he doesn't see Meghan Markle as black.  Apparently it didn’t occur to Andrew Pierce how that sounds, a.) Really fucking bad, and b.) Like Andrew Pierce has reached the next level of Whitesplaining, which shall henceforth be called Whitekeeping

There’s something definitely sinister about the BBC seeing a clip where Charlie Stayt made a quip about known swindler Robert Jenrick having a huge photo of The Queen and an (upside down) union flag in his office, yet their response was to demand that Naga Munchetty publicly apologise for giggling

As if David Cameron fucking up the country in a failed bid to gain political advantage isn’t enough reason for him to be banned from going within five miles of Westminster, him calling up Rishi Sunak to see if he could get some people in the Treasury make the financial problems that Greensill Capital, who Cameron just so happens to have a stake in, certainly counts as another very good reason

Fish fetishist John Redwood reacted to the US removing trade tariffs on British cheese and British Scottish whisky by proudly crowed from the rooftops that this would not happen if we were still in the EU.  Three hours later the US removed trade tariffs on all EU cheese and alcohol exports

In another bout of Keir Starmer uniting the Labour party he decided that Anneliese Dodds would be removed as Shadow Chancellor for failing to effectively communicate the party’s vision as if it was Dodds’ fault for the poor poll results - only to do a quick 180 and back Dodds when the main response to this reason was “What the hell?”

The only surprise about The Core being exposed as a dodgy grift that was being secretly bankrolled by the deep pockets of Tim Rutherford-Browne is that it actually took so long for somebody to expose this - because it sure as hell wasn’t a surprise that Twitter account for The Core, plus the accounts and sock puppets run by Rutherford-Browne, very quickly vanished

Of course The Daily Mail and The Sun would both devote far more time and column inches to Angela Rayner claiming expenses for her air pods and rile their readership into an all too predictable frenzy than they would ever devote to, say, tens of billions of pounds worth of taxpayer’s money being siphoned off into the pockets of various Tory MPs’ mates no matter how unqualified or ill-equipped those people happen to be to fulfill those contracts

Clag peddler Gilson B Pontes demonstrated how ill-equipped they are to deal with fair criticism of their god-awful games (which Sony somehow keeps allowing on their store) by abusing Youtube’s copyright system to try and get Jim Sterling’s account terminated - and failed, thus drawing far more attention to Pontes trying to abuse the system, and Youtube doing fuck all about it even though this issue has persisted for years by this point

Are we going to hear about how Andrew Beattie is the latest victim of “cancel culture” or are we going to hear that Beattie could have started his message about how inclusive Beattie Communications in a better way than literally saying “At Beattie Communications, we don’t hire blacks, gays or Catholics”?  Gee, let me guess which one...

...and then Burger King make the exact same error by trying to tweet out a message of inclusivity on International Women’s Day, which was doomed when the first tweet of the chain said just five words: “Women belong in the kitchen”

There’s something perverse about Electronic Arts being hit with a scandal involving FUT cards from the FIFA series not because they’re clearly a form of gambling that the company have gotten away with for many years outside of a few countries who call it what it is, but because it turns out an EA employee has been selling the rarest FUT cards on the black market for several hundred pounds per bundle to many willing players who want to cheat the system.  The system of gambling.  Which is what FUT cards are

The Tories reached peak flag shagger when James Wild posed a series of questions about the lack of union flags in the BBC Annual Report, as if that means a goddamn thing

Sleazebag and alleged wrestler Joey Ryan thought he could pull a fast one and just so happen to improve his image for when the next round of SLAPP suits goes before the judge by organising an event called Wrestling For Women’s Charity - only for the entire grift to fall apart due to it being held by the company he owns, the charity itself having more than questionable backing, and the fact that Ryan was dumb enough that he tried to sneak his own face onto the poster and thought nobody would notice.  Coincidentally, once the poster was out, a lot of people noticed and the event was rapidly shut down.  Funny, that...

In the latest attempt by Gab to try and make themselves seem relevant they tweeted out some intense batshittery about preserving our way of life featuring a heavily-armed family (including the dog, which was also packing) around the barbeque.  There was one teeny tiny issue with this image: it was stolen art from the indie game The American Dream which actively satirises America’s obsession with guns, and all gab did was remove the watermarks from the picture (which they took without permission) for their rallying cry of “remember us?  We used to be where all the edgelords hung out before they went to Parler”

Once again Manchester United fans responded to a loss not by suggesting that the opponents played better but with racially abusing one of their players on social media, with Fred bearing the brunt of it this time in the wake of being knocked out of the FA Cup by Leicester

Forgotten 90s comedian Lee Hurst continued to be the face of angry white men on Twitter who think they’re funny by posting a tweet about Greta Thunberg that managed to be creepy, misogynistic, showing a remarkable failure to understand what condoms are made of, and worked out so well for him that Twitter promptly suspended his account 

And finally, irritatingly, we have Donald Trump and his proclamation that he won’t be creating a new political party for the 2024 election as he worries that he’ll split the Republican vote.  But Donald, you told us you were so popular, so surely both Republican and Democrat supporters will flock to your new party?  Or are you worried at losing two elections in a row?

[daughter-of-water]

response

Friend, I say this very seriously as someone who loves reading extra-movie Star Wars material, has enjoyed the television shows and new canon comics, and loved the old EU: if it’s not explicitly in or at least hinted at in the movie, it doesn’t exist for 95% of audiences, especially when that extra UNNECESSARY material directly contradicts what is shown in the movies.

Normally I would agree with you but like I said, Disney is money hungry and stupid. They clearly intend for you to take the anciliary stuff as canon. In fact you have to in order to remotely understand the narrative. The Rise of Skywalker does jack all to explain how Palpatine is alive or even how Rey is a Palpatine. You only find that out in the TROS novelization that Palpatine is residing in a clone body and that Rey’s father is a failed Palpatine clone. That’s hardly extra or unnecessary. You denounce the outside material as contradictory to the movies when the narrative directly contradicts itself from movie to movie. There was not a single solitary indication that Luke and Leia had known from the start that Rey was a Palpatine. In fact we have this dialogue exchange between Luke and Rey:

LUKE: Who are you? REY: I know this place. LUKE: Built a thousand generations ago… to keep these. The original Jedi texts. Just like me, they’re the last of the Jedi religion. You’ve seen this place. You’ve seen this island. REY: Only in dreams. LUKE: Who are you? REY: The Resistance sent me. LUKE: They sent you? What is special about you? Where are you from? REY: Nowhere. LUKE: No ones from nowhere. REY: Jakku. LUKE: All right, that is pretty much nowhere. Why are you here, Rey, from nowhere?

He quite obviously doesn’t have a clue who she is, where she is from, or even why the Resistance would send her of all people. Rey Palpatine a clear retcon and it is just one of many. Because of this, you basically have to treat the newest version of canon as the canon even if it contradicts the older stuff.

The Force Awakens is very clear that Kylo personally led the Knights of Ren on the night of the Temple Massacre: “Han: He was training a new generation of Jedi. One boy, an apprentice turned against him, destroyed it all. Luke felt responsible… He just walked away from everything.”

Uh, how does this line make it clear that he led the Knights of Ren the night of the Temple massacre? We have Han, someone who wasn’t even there, delivering hearsay. He doesn’t even say that the new generation of Jedi were slaughtered. He uses the words “destroyed it all” and doesn’t even specify how.

The Last Jedi attempted to justify his presence and leadership of that massacre, but it never denied the fact that there was, in fact, a massacre that Kylo led (like…you can see the dead students who are clearly not dead from a “Force Lightning” attack). And Kylo explicitly says in TLJ that he is the one that set fire to the Temple: Kylo: Did he tell you what happened? The night I destroyed his temple, did he tell you why? —- Luke: By the time I realized I was no match for the darkness rising in him, it was too late. Rey: What happened? Luke: I went to confront him. And he turned on me. He must have thought I was dead. When I came to, the temple was burning. He had vanished with a handful of my students. And slaughtered the rest.

Again, nothing in Kylo’s lines indicate that he willfully massacred students or even used the Knights of Ren to do it. He admits to the destruction of the temple which The Rise of Kylo Ren comic does imply may have been caused by a burst of Force energy on his part. In any case, he takes the blame for it. The flashback sequences and Luke’s dialogue tell us that Luke did not actually see Ben slaughtering his students. He saw the aftermath and assumed Ben must have done it.

Nothing in the movies or movie novelizations contradicts the basic point that Kylo personally led and actively participated in the Temple Massacre. Even in the comic you’re talking about, Kylo is still responsible for the “lightning strike” that destroyed the Temple and killed the students.

The point everyone has been trying to make was that the temple arson and the murder of the students was not a deliberately committed act. Ben did not roll up to the temple with lightsaber in hand and cut down all the Jedi in the building. It’s not first degree murder. It’s at worse voluntary manslaughter.

I’m tired of people trying to absolve Kylo of his actions. It truly baffles me, because people don’t do this with Vader; no one argues that Anakin killing the younglings or choking Padme on Mustafar somehow “aren’t his fault”; we as a fandom apparently have the nuance to understand that Anakin can simultaneously be a victim and perpetrator, so why so many people in this fandom REFUSE to acknowledge Kylo as a villain when literally the first thing we ever see him do on screen is massacre an entire village of innocents is baffling to me. Like…you can like a character that does shitty things without absolving him of said shitty things. It’s not hard.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of people coming into my inbox to complain what a monster Ben Solo is and refusing to acknowledge that his narrative isn’t cut and dry because Lucasfilm flip flopped back and forth with what they wanted these characters to be. Even the so called village of innocents he massacred at the beginning you referenced was affiliated with the Resistance. Said village wasn’t just peacefully going about their day only to find themselves on the wrong end of a blaster. They immediately fired upon the shuttles carrying First Order personnel the moment they arrived in order to protect Poe and aid him in his escape from the planet. The reason no one argues Anakin’s culpability for the massacre of the younglings or the choking of his pregnant wife is because those events were shown on screen. We saw Anakin slaughter children with his lightsaber. We saw Anakin choke Padme using the force. We knew the reasons behind it. We didn’t see Ben Solo cut down his fellow students on screen. Instead we get this information second hand. This alone opens the door for things to be not as they seem. Palpatine’s manipulation of Anakin, furthermore, was not heavy on force use. He, as far as we know, did not exert influence over Anakin’s mind with the Force to imitate the voices of other characters. That sort of direct mind manipulation on a character automatically lends itself to discussions of culpability. 

[allofmycrushes]

BF ending pt2

Ending it this way is unnecessary the same way Ash's rape in ep 22 was. Max's good message from the previous ep gets undermined while Ash, who has been slowly healing is again getting abused by another completely one dimensional and useless villain. His character is subjected to an absurd amount of trauma and unbelievably set up to get into such situations repeatedly not for the sake of plot but I don't know...pointless sadism. Or as I speculated before to cement what is going to happen to him in the end. Everything is forgotten, Ash wins for a moment but in the next the whole process repeats. Cumulating constant horrifying events just for the sake of it isn't good writing and not just because it's upsetting, sometimes something else happens- the useless agony forced down our throats too much starts to not ring true, it's so excessively extra to the point that it loses the impact it should have. Ending suffers from the exact same flaw. I don't agree the ending is objectively good even if it's unhappy. The worst thing about it is that due to things I wrote about earlier ending becomes not believable, it becomes more like a cliche soap opera than grim real life like tragedy. In the context of the repeating unrealistic patterns of worse torment that nevertheless have Ash pull himself through like a superman each time the ending loses a feeling of finality and realism within the story. That's why I cannot connect with the popular narrative praising the ending for being near perfectly constructed, logical and realistic even though painful. I can't get behind the reception of it as some kind of edgy masterwork in which the huge part of its greatness lays in its overt grimness.

I think people misunderstand that those who don’t like the ending are against it only because it’s not happy, that we could only accept it if it was a ride into the sunset. The way Ash died was tawdry more than clever and it can’t be glossed over. It wasn’t the only right and the best way at all but there’s another missed opportunity here. The whole journey of Ash was about breaking out of the role he’s been given (going against Dino, refused to side with Foxx). The role of the victim and then the one of a monster. He wanted to do it, was cheered on by Eiji along the way. Plagued by doubts if he could but in any case actively working towards freeing himself. When fans often insist Ash can’t be anything but a murderer, can never even try to live normally, live any other way than as a killing machine destined to die it is sadly the same self-defeating thing Ash does, it’s what he’s been told by the villains who want him to be like that and opposite of what Eiji fights to tell him. The ending means crossing out all previous efforts of Ash trying to struggle against it and all support of Eiji’s, it means it was unsuccessful in the end. All that Eiji tried to tell him, how he is a person and deserves to be just that is being finally undermined. He didn’t free himself, he internalized the reductive, negative image and punished himself, didn’t die freed. Remember the time when Yut Lung tried to guilt trip and victim blame Eiji for being Ash’s destruction? He is told he will be the reason for Ash getting hurt and his eventual death and to leave Ash alone or better yet kill himself if he cares for Ash and doesn’t want for it to happen? Eiji calls out this bullshit and doesn’t listen. Eiji rebelled when he was told to distance himself from Ash for Ash’s sake, while Ash (and the audience) totally buys into this narrative that Ash is only an unnecessary danger in regards to Eiji and needs to be separated or die if he cares. Also in the same scene Eiji still doesn’t accept Ash can’t escape and should be who Yut Lung and Dino think he is supposed to be. We all cheered for Eiji during that part of the story so why when Ash listens to what his enemies say about him, what they want from him people just accept this is what he can’t escape? Eiji never bought into the whole “they can never be together anyway because Destiny” either. They are more than a needless trouble to each other and what they are to each other when they’re together is worth more than the risk because they are simultaneously each other’s salvation too. Ash isn’t the only one who needed the other person, Eiji was depressed and purposeless before he came to America and he understands all that. In turn, Eiji isn’t there only to make Ash feel momentarily good, if he actually listened to Eiji it could help Ash to step outside the monster fate others scripted for him and I think it’s a shame that we have an ending that despite all the earlier declarations makes Eiji’s efforts useless, Ash resigns while ending allows the villain’s narrative to triumph.

One thing I've noticed is that people who like the ending saying they embrace the "necessary tragedy" in the same breath reframe it as positive, packaging it in this cushiony comforting language of liberation and sugary uplifting metaphors. Which ring entirely false if you actually face the reality of his ending. In the end Eiji didn't free Ash, having it this way means Ash bled out because he evidently thought he doesn't deserve anything better, ending means that despite cherishing Eiji's love for him Ash died still believing he's a monster who can't escape his fate. Dies believing he can't even be free. He was comforted by Eiji but it did not change anything because he didn't listen to him. I guess some people avoid confronting themselves with all that choosing instead to sugarcoat in order to reconcile but if you appreciate the harshness and you're vocal that some endings gotta be like that then why frantically reconstructing it as a joyful, epic resolution, making it out to be deep and cathartic event. If you say it's in agreement with story themes/convention then at least be consequential and admit it's bleak instead of repeating how it was actually soooo good for Ash to die. I know the strategically placed letter lends itself to try and dress Ash death in superlatives but the truth is all the happy things it meant happened earlier and have zero to do with Ash death, moreover his bleeding out crosses them out, they serve only to sweeten the morbid and sad thing that is happening. The fact of Ash dying didn't make him happy, free, didn't change his life for the better because it literally finishes it. Death doesn't magically capture all the good things forever while getting rid of the bad. So many can't acknowledge what it means, it's really that simple and awful. It doesn't bring anything good to Ash, it doesn't make him feel good. The letter did but death took everything away, the good along with the bad. So forgive me if I'm not thrilled for him...

It's quite cruel that how everything is purposefully arranged to be so doomed for a long time, then at one moment the whole conflict is resolved to give us false hope just to immediately tear it away and knock it down for good. It is of course done for more drama but it's also what makes the end so unsatisfying and makes us feel cheated out of a resolution. This sort of emotional blackmail and mixed emotions used repeatedly through BF to evoke the biggest possible response has once again unintentionally backfired on itself. BF ending is supposed to be a heartbreaker but only a fraction of that emotion is truly authentic or earned because the entire thing is built only to pain the reader, everything targeted with the eventual tragedy in mind. It’s viciously manipulative almost to an unseemly extent and becoming a shameless morbid tear jerker. I don't think there's a necessary correlation between good affecting fiction and the amount of torture inflicted on the character, I don't think the more it makes you squirm the more effective a work of art is, often on the contrary. And once you go overboard with it things become too artificial, coldly calculated. The story sacrifices consistent plot and character growth for cheap thrills in service of one weepy goal. It uses suffering of the characters and the readers in a very exploitative way, counting on creating an impact in such manner risks the story becoming a torture porn keeping it from having real developed resolution.

[eorzean-capitalist]

So, now that I’ve had some time to think about it.  Let’s break this down.

A couple reasons, honestly.

One: If someone has gone out of their way to avoid contact with me, I think it would be inappropriate to publicly air out issues between us.

This is an excuse.  There are definitely a number of people who have publicly come forward and said ‘Oz did this.’  And even provided screenshots of what you did and said to them.  These are all things you can publicly apologize for.  I’m not sure what you mean by ‘publicly air’ any issues.   What this tells me is you are still clinging to this belief that said people are ‘bad actors’, and not worthy of a direct apology sans excuses or reasons why what you did was at least somewhat justified.  That there is some kind of argument to be had, because you don’t actually believe you were entirely in the wrong.  (Hint: You were.)

As for people who have not come forward.  You don’t need to name names, you KNOW what you did.  And if you cannot remember, that’s staggeringly awful.  Do you have so many victims that you cannot even recall?  Think about that, long and hard.

I know I would have a hard time not being incredibly cynical about that coming from someone else and I wouldn't expect differently from others.

That is for your victims to decide, not you.  So far, both your attempts at apologies have fallen woefully short.  

 I really don't think there's a way to do that in remotely good taste and I think THAT is definitely an example of someone trying to control a narrative.

Oh there’s a way to do it tastefully, you just don’t seem capable of it without this highfalutin language and weird dancing around the actual apology thing you are engaging in.

I want to avoid just talking past people, if that makes sense?

You are failing miserably.  You’ve been talking in circles every time you address this.

Two: Even with the people who haven't done that, I think it's pretty inappropriate to publicly air out those kinds of issues. I don't think it's possible to own and fully discuss your bad choices and where exactly you went wrong without talking about the context.

No.  You can figure out the context yourself, your victims and the community at large do not care what the circumstances were.  They only know you abused people, and would like to see some actual remorse from you sans excuses.  Go see a real therapist, take all this stuff to them, and work out your issues.  For the apology, don’t bother.  Just say ‘I did the thing, I admit I did the thing and I am sorry I did the thing’.  No one wants to hear your bullshit word salads anymore.

A good example of one is where there was someone who was defending a pretty skeevy individual, I took some nasty gossip at face value and acted on it in a pretty gross, reactionary way. There is no way to talk about that in specific detail that doesn't look like I'm saying, "See? Other people are bad too!"

... that is precisely the kind of bullshit you’ve been doing, Oz.  I’m glad you’re aware of it.  But do you really have to say ‘I did this because of bad gossip?;  No.  Just say ‘I targeted someone unfairly, I apologize for doing that.’  See? It’s not hard.  

I think an important part of the kind of self-examination that should come after you realise you've been acting like a real piece of shit is looking at the things you reacted to and why, exactly, you reacted that way. It's great to say you'll never do something again, but if you don't examine the reasons you had and why you acted poorly in response to those reasons, saying that is meaningless.

Yes, but these are self examination things you can do without involving the community/your victims.  This is where YOU do the work, without dragging us along for the ride.  You take this to a therapist, you sit down with them, and you work out why you did these things.  (And please, get a therapist that won’t let you devolve into excusing yourself because hey, some of these people were bad so that makes me going abusive angry on them and anyone who dared to speak to them ok.)

You do this on your own time, away from everyone you hurt.  You show eventually that you have learned, by your actions, not your purple prose.  

Three: It's REAL clear there are some hard lines being drawn here by a few people and it is my genuine worry that me putting anyone on the spot to publicly forgive me, hear me out, or whatever else puts them at risk of falling on the wrong side of a line.

Oh cut it out with the fucking dramatic bullshit ‘I’m so worried about the people I hurt’.   You weren’t even remotely worried about these people when you were publicly cutting them down on your Tumblr.  In the last hours of the secrets blog, you were flailing around so much you were striking at shadows, naming names left and right.  Where was your concern then?  

No, you’re more worried about your public persona right now and how you’ll be perceived.  There I can’t entirely blame you, both of your apologies were met with a chilly reception, because they were bullshit.  You don’t seem to understand what people want from you, or you are reluctant to give them what they’re asking for: An apology without excuses.

No one has to hear you out.  Some of your victims don’t want an apology, but you should give it all the same.  Without excuses, without having to examine why you did what you did.  Without needing to directly contact them to discuss the matter.  If they want to talk to you, that's their business.  There are no hard lines being drawn here by anyone but you.

This just looks like another excuse to not have to actually apologize.  

Alternatively, it's the "public proposal" effect and I think that's a social pressure that's really pretty gross. If someone wants to just rage at me, I think giving them the benefit of a private space to just go off isn't a bad idea.

And giving you the space for you to gaslight them is just as dangerous.  I do not forget how you came to me right after my initial breakdown of your first apology.  (Btw, you can add ‘trying to gaslight captain-ameribunny’ to your list of things to apologize for.)  You tried to actually make yourself a victim to me and I was having none of it.  I don’t care why you did it, I only know you did do it and that you need to apologize for doing it.

I obviously don't have much right to ask people to not examine everything I do in the most cynical way possible, but there are things that are wrong to do for cynical reasons that are also right to do for uncynical reasons. It's not the action that's wrong, it's the motivation behind it.

What. The. Shit. Is. This.  

Are you actually complaining that people are reading what you write and taking it at face value?  See, this is why no one believes you, Oz.  Because you say things like this and we all realize you’re nothing but a bullshit artist.  You’re more worried about people’s perception of you, than in fixing this situation that you caused.  

Also, your motivations aren’t relevant.  Figure that out on your own.  Don’t make me or anyone else have to sit through your self discovery.  

I've reached out to a few people who've invited it and I'm not going to talk about how those conversations went because I think that would look like trying to profit off a conversation that didn't happen in public and the other party might not care to talk about.

Good, leave them out of your bullshit.

I'm trying to tactful and also I guess tactical about who I talk to and when. It's something that has to come in steps, it's a process. I spent a while fucking up, unfucking this situation isn't going to happen in one day.

No, see, that’s where you are wrong.  Well, ok, going to a therapist and figuring this shit out with them will definitely take time.  Learning how to not be an abuser is sometimes a lifelong process, and one you should get started on immediately.

But for the victims left in the wake of your abuse?  You can end this right now.  Apologize, without excuses or blaming others, and then leave.  Let them have the game again without fear of running into you.  Let them breathe again, without worrying you’re around the next corner.  Your victims have anxiety about being anywhere near you or running into you.  Many of them have quit Tumblr and FFXIV, just to get well away from you.  Let them have both, without your presence there to remind them of the trauma you caused them.

Pack your bags.  Hand off your FC.  And leave.  Go sort out your shit irl with a real therapist.  Then prove to everyone you’ve changed by action, not bullshit word salads that no one believes anymore.  Your credibility is gone.

[pernanegra]

Thoughts on Whole Cake Island arc and chapter 902

The Whole Cake Island arc is finally coming to an end.

How do I feel about it? Well... I have mixed feelings. I thought the first half was really great, it had almost everything I could hope for: a real sense of danger, interesting villains (especially Pudding tricking everyone), new characters, inner conflicts and dilemmas... everything was leading to a great climax, and since this is One Piece, everyone thought that the fights (and perhaps new powers) were granted - it wasn’t.

Instead, Oda decided to make some choices that I can’t help but feel like he wasted a lot of potential. Starting with the “fake” handcuffs: it seemed like a cheap way to get rid of a problem he created but regreted later. In my opinion, the Strawhats inflitrating the castle, like a heist, could be really interesting and could give us an emotional reunion with Sanji while they open the handcuffs. 

The fake mask Sanji was wearing to hide his wounds was also a missed opportunity to make the Strawhats know about Sanji being a victim of abuse or even his entire past. It could be also an interesting scenario because Nami slapped his face without knowing about it. It seems like the only purpose of the mask was to make Pudding mock his injuries.

We ended up getting a funny heist to save Brook and the emotional reunion with only Sanji and Luffy (which was great), while Sanji communicated later with the rest by mirror shards - which lessed a lot the impact imo - but still was a nice scene. Oda skipped the group reunion immediately to show Capone’s plan. 

Knowing about the plan was really anticlimactic to me. It was clear that it wouldn’t work as intended. The mother Carmel picture seems like just a set up for Elbaf, but back then it felt out of place and a really random condition to make Big Mom go “berserk”.

Which was also really disappointing as the yonkou was played like a fool by Nami, Brook and the others while she was chasing the SHs. The whole point about the cake being necessary to stop Big Mom was proved to be counter-effective. It seemed like she was really close to be defeated by lack of energy and while the cake really distracted her, it restored her strength. All the panels with Sanji and the cooks making the cake feels odd now. Despite Sanji being confirmed to be an extraordinary cook, the reaction the readers were expecting from Big Mom wasn’t really delivered by Oda.

Luffy was the only one that shined through fights, by defeating Cracker and Katakuri, two sweet commanders. It’s expected from the protagonist, but him being the only one, while the rest of the crew worked mostly as distractions and fought or clashed lesser opponents, was really bad to me. But it wasn’t only the good guys, Smoothie especially didn’t do anything relevant as a villain. The Germa also had few panels to show something, but at least they had some cool moments.

That said, let’s talk about Pudding, the most controversial character of this arc. She started as a sweet girl who seemed to be a perfect match for Sanji. Since she was supposed to be his bride, it made sense to make her exactly like that. It’s fair to create a certain narrative tension by making the readers wonder if Sanji would really tie the knot or not. If Pudding was immediately despicable, there wouldn’t be any tension, Oda wouldn’t pair one of the main characters with someone bad.

Then, the plot twist happened with Pudding being a great actress and a savage, by shooting Reiju and mocking Sanji in one of his most hopeless moments. She was supposed to be his “ray of hope”, which made her betrayal even more cruel but still epic from a narrative standpoint. It felt like a great and a progressive decision from Oda back then. There were several lessons we could take from that chapter, but one that I think it would be great is that appearances can be deceiving, and that not all girls are innocent. That could be really an interesting point for Sanji’s character as he tends to idolizes women and receives a lot of criticism in the fandom for that.

It happens that Oda didn’t want that, he basically rewrote Pudding’s character (adding the infatuation caused by a ludicrous compliment about her third eye) and last chapter seems some sort of a retcon of her actions, by making all her cruel deeds somewhat justified by the way she was raised. She ended up being another victim and a less interest character to me, despite all the depth. It seemed like Oda regreted making her evil or he wasn’t sure what to do with her character (actually the second half of the arc looked like he didn’t know the direction he wanted). Certainly, most if not all villains have a sad past that explains how they became the person they are. Doflamingo and Arlong are great examples of that. Pudding, however, was redeemed and it’s really likely that we are seeing her again and this time, it has great chances that she will be a damsel in distress by the vibes of this chapter, if she is not escaping.

Regarding her romantic feelings, we had the goodbye kiss, like it was expected, and it came from Pudding (she “stole” it), she is the one really sad about parting ways. Sanji was ready to say goodbye and didn't think twice about her. This doesn’t look like someone who is parting ways with someone he loves:

Sanji finds Pudding attractive and he is grateful for everything she did, but it’s just that. To me, their relationship looked really one sided, even knowing that Sanji was with heart eyes after the kiss, but that's the usual Sanji and I can see him reacting like that if Kalifa or Viola kissed him. He is still a perv. xD I think Pudding knows that Sanji won't return her feelings:

Since she was an important character and the bride of this wedding themed arc, I think Oda decided to gave her a proper farewell. But it wasn’t only her. This chapter also showed Katakuri. I think Oda was making a parallel with the people Luffy and Sanji “converted” from the enemy side. Pudding is obvious, but we also get to see Katakuri smiling after knowing that Luffy escaped. Other parallel is Jinbei and Germa staying behind to defend the Strawhats. They are also doing this because of Luffy and Sanji, respectively. This arc was heavily about Sanji and Luffy. So, more than just a Sanji and Pudding moment, I think the intention behind this chapter is to show the human side of Pudding and Katakuri and how Sanji and Luffy affected them. They are both characters that had childhood problems, with the SHs accepting them the way they are, unlike many of the citizens of WCI.

Back to Pudding, it seems to me like this is the end of a romance that wasn't really meant to be, given the circunstamces of an arranged marriage. There is, of course, still the possibility of them meeting again in the future and I admit that the ship has more depth now and Pudding's feelings are genuine. It’s fair to say it’s a stronger ship now, but at the same time it feels to me like it’s destined to be tragic rather than canon. I just think that it's really difficult to imagine why Sanji discovering about this kiss would change anything from his side or how he would end up discovering it to begin with, as I don't think Pudding has the intention to reveal it:

Sanji still remembers everything except the kiss, and it doesn’t seem like Pudding really impacted him that much as we didn’t see Sanji thinking about her. I think the kiss will remain as Pudding's own memento of her bittersweet end - it was a last wish after all. Hopefully she will find someone like she hinted when they first met her at the café.

That said, I certainly don't blame people shipping them now because the angst was real from Pudding's side and people might want her to be happy with the guy she loves. It's unfortunate that Oda is really giving moments to ships, including SaNa, knowing that some of them won't happen in the end (perhaps none of them will happen). I really don't like this kind of bait and all sides can feel legit betrayed in the end after all the "tease".

It’s up to Oda, like always. But I’m glad that Sanji is back with the crew and that we are moving on from this arc. There are still many years to come from One Piece and we can take a lesson from this arc: a chapter can change everything, so until the end, there is hope for everyone. ^^

[serpenteve]

part four: ruin & retcon

So Bardugo publishes Siege & Storm and predictably people are foaming at the mouth over how horrible Mal was to Alina. Personally, I think she knew people would be pissed at Mal, but she likely underestimated just how much his characterization and narrative role would lead to a broken base within the fandom.

You were supposed to be annoyed with Mal and roll your eyes at his manipulation and entitlement....not write embarrassingly long tumblr posts about what a toxic piece of shit he is. And you certainly weren't supposed to ship Alina with the villain out of pure spite!

Enter good old faithful retconning.

After spending a good book and a half hating Alina's powers and whining about her world not revolving around him, Mal has this line nearly halfway through the last book:

“I wasn’t afraid of you, Alina. I was afraid of losing you. The girl you were becoming didn’t need me anymore, but she’s who you were always meant to be.” “Power hungry? Ruthless?” “Strong.” He looked away. “Luminous. And maybe a little ruthless too. That’s what it takes to rule. Ravka is broken, Alina. I think it always has been. The girl I saw in the chapel could change that....And [Nikolai will] be a good king. But he needs you to be a great one.”

There is literally no explanation given for why, just a book ago, Mal was threatening Nikolai with violence at the mere mention of a political marriage but now he's proudly #TeamNikolina. There's no explanation for why, just a book ago, Mal spent his entire arc complaining about how he wants Alina to go back to being powerless and dependent on him but now he claims being Grisha is who Alina was always meant to be. This is not character development, this is simply Bardugo realizing she completely fucked up his characterization and now needs to quickly get the fandom back on Mal's side within the span of 8 more chapters before her planned Mal & Alina epilogue.

Of course, even Bardugo can't completely excise Mal of his garbage traits overnight so we also get lines like this immediately after:

“I know I’m supposed to say something noble—I want a united Ravka free from the Fold. I want the Darkling in the ground, where he can never hurt you or anyone else again.” He gave a rueful shake of his head. “But I guess I’m the same selfish ass I’ve always been. For all my talk of vows and honor, what I really want is to put you up against that wall and kiss you until you forget you ever knew another man’s name. So tell me to go, Alina. Because I can’t give you a title or an army or any of the things you need.”

See, this just makes Mal an even worse character. At least if he became a Ravkan patriot overnight, it would still be bad writing but at least it gives Mal some kind of internal motivation other than getting into Alina's pants.

But no, he straight up admits he doesn't give a shit about the war Alina is fighting. He just wants to fuck any remnant of Alina's affection for the Darkling and/or Nikolai out of her because they are stains on her moral character and threatens him personally. 😬

And in case we want to blame a writing fumble again, this is another line Mal says to Alina earlier on:

Notice the familiar tactic of saying something meant to induce guilt in the victim and then promptly cutting them off when they try to respond and then immediately leaving before the victim can say anything else.

There's also the gross fact that Alina can't even speak to Mal without him sexualizing her and claiming his boner will get in the way of keeping her safe. It's disgusting behaviour and puts the onus on Alina to "keep herself pure" and not tempt him lest he get distracted from doing the bare minimum.

Bardugo is sure to sprinkle other pieces of ridiculous retcon like how Mal had apparently been crushing on Alina since they were in Keramzin, which throws into question why he spent the majority of the start of Shadow & Bone flirting and sleeping his way through the First (and Second) Army without so much as a romantic glance at Alina.

The rest of Mal's characterization in Ruin & Rising is meant to induce guilt in the reader and try to win you over to his side. Mal gets a tattoo in replacement of actual character development and while he doesn't spend as much time whining or drinking away his obvious annoyance with Alina having a character arc of her own, Bardugo doesn't waste any opportunity to get you to feel sorry for him.

Poor, poor, Mal having to watch Alina being courted by Nikolai because he took her for granted and treated her like trash 🙄 Once again, he says something to induce guilt and then immediately leaves the scene. That's practically his M.O. at this point. Also, the narrative continues to treat Alina like a trophy that must be passed from one man to another, depending on who is most "deserving" of her.

The last real eye-roll inducing moment comes in the epilogue where Bardugo tries to draw a comparison between Alina's summoning powers and Mal's...tracking abilities?

“The boy and the girl had both known loss, and their grief did not leave them. Sometimes he would find her standing by a window, fingers playing in the beams of sunlight that streamed through the glass....She saw sadness in the boy too. Though the woods still welcomed him, he was separate from them now, the bond born into his bones burned away in the same moment that he’d given up his life for her.”

Alina's summoning powers are in no way comparable to Mal's magical tracking abilities. Unlike being a competent tracker that made him an army darling, Alina had no other option but to use her powers if she wanted to be healthy. Not using her powers made her sick, weakly, and depressed. Mal has none of that so he didn't lose nearly as much and this false equivalence posed by the narration is fooling nobody.

The sinister thing about this ending is that, despite being a shitty person who constantly manipulates Alina and feels entitled to her, Mal gets rewarded by the narrative. You could argue that he redeems himself in Ruin & Rising or that Bardugo is forced to scrub him of his toxic traits in an effort to win the fandom over to his side, but either way it feels wholly unearned. This relationship is framed as being "healthy" but from my interpretation of the character and their relationship, it reeks of insecurity, co-dependence, and enmeshment.

Bardugo had to pair them together in the end because these two never learned how to survive on their own and they won't let each other be their own person. And because, let's face it, Mal was never going to happy with Alina keeping her summoning powers 🙄

so i still hate book!mal 😒

I'm almost done re-reading the Grisha trilogy (because I hate myself) and I kept getting annoyed by how so many of Mal's lines that Bardugo clearly thought were "romantic" and swoon-worthy are literally just telegraphing how possessive, toxic, narcissistic, selfish and entitled he is?

I don't think I can fully express how completely she failed in trying to endear this character to me because so much of what he says and does reminds me of the toxic and controlling people I've known 😬

Note: This has nothing to do with m*lina shippers. This post is not for you. You guys can ship what you want and it's none of my business. This is just an examination of the book character's dialogue and why I (and many other people) felt uneasy about him.

part one: shadow & bone

We see the first glimpse of Mal's possessiveness and jealousy when he first encounters her at the Little Palace:

"And here you are, safe and sound, dancing and flirting like some cosseted little princess." [...] “Are you happy here, Alina?” The question took me by surprise. “I … I don’t know. Sometimes.” “Are you happy here with him?” [...] “The clothes, the jewels, even the way you look. He’s all over you." [...] “Just admit it,” he sneered. “He owns you.”

Apparently, we're supposed to excuse his blatant slut-shaming and anger because....he's been on a perilous assignment where his friends died and he thought Alina was being tortured. But I fail to see how this makes any sense because if you thought the person you loved was in danger and you'd risked your life just to see them and then discover they are actually safe and sound....would you not be overjoyed and relieved? This whole time you thought they were suffering or in danger but it turns out they're completely safe and cared for!

It's especially telling that instead of asking about anything else, Mal seems particularly interested in Alina's relationship with the Darkling, and maps their relationship dynamic as "ownership" simply because Alina wears black. His vicious tone suggests to me that he's just salty he's not the one "owning" Alina.

The real reason Mal is pissed is because Alina is happy without him (and potentially with another love interest) and he can't stand that because he feels personally entitled to have her.

Later, he admits to ruminating about this moment like an unhinged stalker:

“Do you? That night at the palace when I saw you on that stage with him, you looked so happy. Like you belonged with him. I can’t get that picture out of my head.” “I was happy,” I admitted. “In that moment, I was happy. I’m not like you, Mal. I never really fit in the way that you did. I never really belonged anywhere.” “You belonged with me,” he said quietly.

This passage has always telegraphed Mal's sense of entitlement towards Alina. Prior to her getting whisked away to the Little Palace, Mal showed little romantic affection for Alina. But now that she's the fabled Sun Summoner, he comes off like he feels he's more entitled to Alina than anyone else simply because they grew up together.

Alina even frankly tells him that she hasn't felt like she's belong with him for a long time. Instead of exploring why that might be, why they might have been on diverging paths, why Mal has made Alina feel like she is unworthy of his romantic feelings until now, Mal goes on what I assume is supposed to be a romantic speech:

"I’ve risked my life for you. I’ve walked half the length of Ravka for you, and I’d do it again and again and again just to be with you, just to starve with you and freeze with you and hear you complain about hard cheese every day. So don’t tell me we don’t belong together"

Again, this reeks of entitlement and manipulation. This is one of those lines that I see certain m*lina shippers using as proof of how "nice" Mal is but it honestly kind of scares me? He doesn't care about Alina's feelings or want to explore why she felt so distant from him. He's the one in charge and if he did X, Y, Z for Alina then he's entitled to have her and she's just going to have to accept that.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to see you, Alina. But I see you now.”

This specific line on its own doesn't necessarily have to be bad. We've certainly seen variations of this in other media. But combined with his sense of entitlement, how he treats Alina in the later books, and the fact that she needed to transform into a literal sunbeam for Mal to even consider her as a romantic prospect, it just makes me roll my eyes. Why should Alina be the one to look past Mal's obliviousness when he's barely given her the time of day and reacted so negatively at the mere suggestion that she might have found happiness with another man? Why should Alina just forgive Mal's jealousy when he has a reputation for sleeping around that Alina has kindly ignored even though it hurt her?

I don't care if you danced naked on the roof of the Little Palace with him. I love you, Alina, even the part of you that loved him.”

This is supposed to be Mal's "apology" for his outburst at the Little Palace and I was on-board with it up until the last part. This is another line I see m*lina shippers pointing to as proof that Mal doesn't have a toxic madonna/whore complex and doesn't care about Alina's previous romantic interests. But the problem is that he treats Alina's previous affections for the Darkling as a moral stain on her character. It's a back-handed compliment that amounts to: "I don't care if you had sex with him because I'll still love you, even that stupid and slutty part of you that loved him"

He touched my cheek lightly, and when he spoke again, his voice was low and raw. “I never want to see you in black again.”

Again, this is meant to be romantic but it just makes me feel very uncomfortable. Mal is so hyperfixated on the Darkling "marking" Alina with a color. It would be one thing if Alina is also equally or more perturbed by the color, but she just isn't? Or at least she's not as obsessed with it as Mal appears to be.

[medschoolash]

I don’t remember a lot because that’s how drunk I was that night. I was a junior in college. I went out with some friends for a good time at one of the off campus bars. I drank too much. I would blame myself for this for a long time.

Just before he walked into my room I remember being In my apartment on my bed with my head spinning. I remember feeling nauseous. I remember texting a guy friend and apparently telling him to come over to “hangout”. That text message, which would have probably been met with regret the next day, ended up stopping my sexual assault and preventing what would have been my rape. The guy was an associate who had been coming on to me for a while but I rejected him every time. He always made my uncomfortable but I tried to suck it up because we shared mutual friends. He was out with us that night and saw how drunk I was. From what I remember He followed me to my apartment. I didn’t lock my door. I would blame myself for this later as well. I remember looking up and seeing him in the door frame of my room. He said I texted him to come over. I didn’t. I remember being too drunk to feel immediately afraid. Something else I would blame myself for later. I remember him being on my bed and his arms being around me and I remember the uncomfortable feeling of saliva on my lips that I didn’t like. I remember the weight of his body on me and not being able to process what was going on but pushing him off me with my arms because I knew that whatever was happening wasn’t something I wanted. The rest is a haze, I don’t remember what else he did but I know I wasn’t raped, he may have violated me in other ways but thankfully I have no recollection of it. I probably wouldn’t be able to cope if I did remember it. The next thing I remember is being on my bed and his voice telling the guy friend I had invited over to leave. I would learn later that the had came over like I asked him to and entered thru the door that I apparently purposely left unlocked. Apparently my assaulter wanted to be left alone so he could rape me, thankfully my male friend was decent enough to not enable him despite their friendship.

I remember hearing “she drunk” then hearing some variation of “nah she good she good”. I remember his irate voice when my friend told him to go. My memory stops soon after this, the last thing I can recall is the feeling of relief I felt once he was gone despite being too drunk to cry and the way I vomited in the small trashcan near my desk shortly after and just before I finally passed out on my bed. The next day I remember feeling incredibly confused, embarrassed, and angry. I told one of my closest friends thinking she would empathize with me since she was my friend and cared about me. She showed minor discomfort but then told me that my “story” isn’t what he’s saying happened. Apparently he anticipated word getting out about what he did so he told his teammates that I had invited him over and wanted to hookup. That I came on to him and then backtracked when my friend showed up and started drama between two homeboys. I was hurt, appalled and afraid I would be branded a hoe and no one would believe I was assaulted and almost raped. It didn’t help that my friend basically told me that I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk. She blamed me. Letter her boyfriend and some of his fellow teammates would do the same. See he was a college athlete. Football to be exact. He wasn’t a star, he barely had a spot on the team but being on a major NCAA team that had won a national championship two years prior gave him an ego boost and made him feel invincible despite his lowly status on the team. In fact he may have been cut by then, I can’t remember but even if he was he was still very much a part of the powerful system known as college football at a big school that generates millions of dollars for the school and the state yearly. The system may not have covered up his actions, I was too confused and afraid to even report the crime, but it did enable his behavior. His narrative was already out there and it all felt unconquerable for a victim who was partially in denial about being a victim because of self and outside shame.

His teammates/former teammates knew what he did to me. They knew he was a creep before and after me. They didn’t care because it was my fault for being drunk. They didn’t care because it was convenient for them to believe that I invited him over. They didn’t believe me because they were athletes and of course girls wanted to hook up with them. Despite my attempts to make them understand that I was taken advantage of and while drunk almost raped they didnt care because because I couldn’t have been too drunk if I remembered what happened. They weren’t gonna turn their back on their “brother” no matter what and it made me feel powerless and ashamed. I remember feeling like it was my fault for a long time because when you hear it enough you start to believe it. I remember feeling like a whore despite the fact that I was actually still a virgin at the time of the incident. I remember how I got nauseous and angry every time I had to see his face but I had to suck it up because my “friends” continued to hang out with him and I still blamed myself so I was too confused and weak to understand that these people weren’t truly my friends and that I had the power to remove myself from the same circle of my assaulter. I remember how he would avoid me anytime he was around me. Despite his justifications he knew what he did was wrong and he had no right to still share space with me. I remember the night I cried myself to sleep because my on again off again ex boyfriend (we were off at the time of the incident) who knew about my assault pulled up in front of my apartment building in his car after a night of partying together. I remember how worthless and alone I felt that night because the person I loved was unfazed by another guy violating me, so unfazed that he still considered him a friend and participated in shaming me when I confronted him about why he would still associate with him. Eventually I think I became numb. Somehow I blocked it all out of my memory for years and never considered myself a victim but I know better now. What was some obscure thing I could barely recall in part due to some unhealthy coping and because I believed I wasn’t a victim but instead someone who brought it on myself, became a vivid memory again when I watched a lifetime movie where a young girl was shamed by a school football team after she was raped. Something I never talked about suddenly became something I wanted to open up about because women across the globe are sharing their stories on twitter via the #MeToo hashtag. I’ve never opened up about this in this much detail. Not even on my twitter page where I briefly talked about it. My family doesn’t even know what happened. I was too terrified of their questions to even post “me too” on my Facebook page. I guess letting it all out here is sorta like therapy for me. Getting it out of my head and making it real, finally standing strongly amongst the voices of victims, something that was denied to me and that I denied myself when I was shamed immediately after my ordeal. I googled my assaulter today and apparently he gave his life to God and is now a minister. I know a lot of people won’t understand this but I’m actually happy to hear that. I hope that he admitted to God what he did to me and asked for forgiveness and that he truly has turned his life around. I know everyone doesn’t believe in God but I do. I would prefer to have unwavering belief in his transformative power verses the alternative which is resigning myself to the belief that the guy will always be a monster. At least if he has turned his life around it means another woman won’t have to potentially have a story of being a victim at his hands. I’m not broken because of him so I’m my mind it’s better to have two people walking this earth seeking wholeness instead of two messed up people, one broken and one still victimizing. It kinda gives me closure and peace in some weird way. If anyone reads this and relates I hope it helps you feel like you aren’t alone. It wasn’t your fault. There is peace after abuse.

[sheikah]

Frikidoctor gave more details on episode 3. And sounds like Dany will be helluva annoying when Jon gets there. Having Missandei list her million titles, demanding he bend the knee multiple times (she didn't demand that from Tyrion/Yara/Then so that's shitty and hypocritical), getting into an argument with him about Starks being usurper's dogs, Ned being a traitor and the Rebellion. lol if she badmouths Ned and does so in front of Jon the audience will rage. lol She still thinks [1/2]

Targaryens were the innocent victims and Starks were villains lol Shots fired. Hopefully Jon doesn’t pull any punches and fires the big guns. Her crazy homicidal father brutally murdering Jon’s uncle and grandfather, pissing on their right for a triall after what her brother had done to Jon’s ‘aunt’ (kidnapping and rape as is believed), then demanding Ned and Robert be killed with no justification. [2/2] 

3rd ask from same anon:

oh and she will think him crazy with regard to the WWs even though she’s been surrounded by magic for so long. lmao She will frustrate Jon so badly he will turn to Tyrion and appeal to him in private, bypassing her.

This ask is so hilariously exaggerated and off base. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to correct it and set the record straight.

So here is the leak you are referring to. As anyone else reading this can see, anon took the translated leak and ran with it using their own anti Dany and anti Jonerys interpretation of what was said. 

You said that Dany was “having Missandei list her million titles.” This is pretty standard procedure. The same is done to announce whoever the king/queen of the Iron Throne is when they hold court. Dany has more titles because she’s done more stuff. Facts are facts. 

There is absolutely nothing to indicate that she asks Jon to bend the knee “multiple times” as you claim in an attempt to make it seem like this meeting goes horribly. The leak says:

“-Dany wants Jon to bend the knee, he refuses.”

and

“-Jon never bends the knee. Davos says his words from the trailer about the skeleton in the iron throne.”

Neither of these things suggests that Dany asks more than once. 

She didn’t demand that Tyrion bend the knee because Tyrion showed up offering his allegiance and help. He didn’t show up asking for help as Jon is doing. So she doesn’t need the assurance of his loyalty. However, she gets it, willingly, when Tyrion kneels to her in season 6.

As for Yara and Theon, she gets verbal swearing of fealty from them in exchange for her own promise to help them take their home back from Euron. 

There is precedent for rulers in the series asking others to bend the knee when the others present as some sort of threat. Jon does potentially pose a threat to Dany. She doesn’t know him like we do, anon. She doesn’t watch Game of Thrones. She has spent her life on another continent. How is she supposed to know that Jon Snow is honorable, different, and worthy?

This man she has never met, this son of the man who led the rebellion against her father, from a family who she has been told all her life by her only living family member (Viserys) is evil, has appeared on her doorstep demanding her help and is hailed as a king. Asking him to swear fealty is absolutely not “shitty and hypocritical.” 

If your objection is that she is asking Jon to bend the knee when she didn’t ask this of everyone else she’s ever met, consider how other kings and queens have handled this. Cersei, for example, sent a letter North in episode 1 demanding that the Starks bend the knee. She hasn’t sent a letter to every citizen of the realm. How unfair for her to only ask this of Jon, like Dany is doing. Except that there’s a clear reason. Jon is the only one who is calling himself the KitN, so assurances are needed of his loyalty.

In Dany’s case she needs to make sure that Jon isn’t just getting close to her to overthrow or betray her. 

Similarly, Jon as ruler has already made others kneel and swear fealty to him. We just saw him make children kneel before him and swear fealty, and now Jon refuses to do the same for Dany. Is Jon shitty and hypocrtical too, anon? I didn’t think so. Because these sorts of formalities and symbolic gestures are part of Westerosi politics.

Okay, onto your next claim. You say:

“getting into an argument with him about Starks being usurper’s dogs, Ned being a traitor and the Rebellion. lol if she badmouths Ned and does so in front of Jon the audience will rage. lol”

The leak says:

“Talk about Robert’s rebellion. Jon’s father was a traitor, the usurpers dog. Dany’s father was crazy.”

Again, we don’t have the dialogue yet. But Dany wasn’t even born when Ned’s family was killed by The Mad King. She has only been told snippets of this history and she has already freely admitted that she knows who her father was and what he did. She isn’t going to defend him and claim that he is blameless. 

If she does “badmouth” Ned you once again need to remind yourself that Daenerys Targaryen has never seen an episode of Game of Thrones and has absolutely no way of knowing what a good man Ned really was. It is natural and expected for her to be doubtful and distrusting of him and his family based on the Starks’ role in the rebellion, a rebellion that she wasn’t alive to understand. 

The audience, at least the intelligent people in the audience, aren’t going to “rage” at Dany for having reservations about Ned Stark’s character when she has no context to make a fair assessment of his personality. 

And guess what? Even though Aerys was terrible and deserved to be supplanted, Ned and friends were still traitors, and that’s probably what worries her. Also, a lot of people are still unaware of what Aerys did to Rickard and Brandon. Think about Jaime telling the story of why he is the Kingslayer to Brienne, and her surprise. So much of Robert’s Rebellion is he said/she said so it makes perfect sense for Jon and Dany to argue about the particulars and disagree at first. 

You say:

“She still thinks Targaryens were the innocent victims.”

There is nothing in the leaks to affirm this. This is demonstrably false. Do you not remember Dany admitting that her father was wrong, agreeing with Tyrion that they both had awful fathers who they will be better than??? Did you watch the last two seasons of the show or???

And aside from her father, the rest of the Targaryens were innocent victims, anon. Did Elia and her Targaryen babies deserve to be slaughtered? What about the very young Viserys and infant Daenerys who were driven across the world to avoid being murdered?

We have actual canon proof that Jon doesn’t blame the children for the sins of the parents and he isn’t going to blame Dany for what the Mad King did, and she is likewise going to learn Jon’s character and see who he is as a person, that he isn’t anything like this image of the Starks she has grown up fostering because of Viserys. 

But it’s not going to happen immediately. If it did, that would be boring. I’ve openly said in multiple asks that I know there will be friction between them at the beginning. We’ve known this since Lads. It’s nothing new, and I think it makes perfect sense. 

Moving on. You claim:

“oh and she will think him crazy with regard to the WWs even though she’s been surrounded by magic for so long.”

The leak says:

“-Jon tells Dany about the threat coming from the north. Says they need to be allies. She isn’t positive if she should believe him.”  

Yes, Dany isn’t positive if she should believe him. And rightfully so. She’s been surrounded by magic but Jon has plenty motive to lie to her. Think about this from her perspective. A man is asking her to go North with the bulk of her forces and her dragons, and also asking her to let him mine beneath her home so he can arm his military with more weapons. That puts her in an extremely vulnerable position. She’s being discerning and using logic. 

She has no reason to think WW are real. But we aren’t told that she thinks he’s “crazy,” we are told she is not quite sure. And that makes total sense. This isn’t anything new. Again, Dany’s doubt contributes to wight hunt, which needs to happen anyway. Because Jon needs to convince the whole realm, not just Dany, of the WW. So proof is needed anyway.

Furthermore, you say that

“She will frustrate Jon so badly he will turn to Tyrion and appeal to him in private, bypassing her.”

Leak says:

“-Dany and Jon don’t get to anything. She wants Him to bend the knee He wants Her to help him with the WW. So Jon goes to Tyrion to explain everything about the WW and to asks him for dragonglass.”

So you’ve exaggerated again. In a first meeting they don’t automatically come to an alliance. This doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. Jon talking to Tyrion is sensible. Jon and Tyrion have a previous relationship. Jon and Dany don’t. Tyrion is Hand of the Queen. Negotiating with Jon is literally his job. 

And last and most important, you conveniently left out this little tidbit because it doesn’t fit your desired narrative. Near the end of the leak’s discussion of Jon’s and Dany’s parts in episode 3, the leak says:

“-Leaked scene of Dany outside Dragonstone and Jon down the stairs comes here.

-Scene outside with the dragons, Viserion features heavily.”

So there you go. We get confirmation that after all of the drama you are so thrilled about happens, Jon seeks Dany out himself when she is alone and they have a private conversation where we can assume they make up enough for Dany to want to introduce him to her dragons, the equivalent of her children. 

It’s going to be absolutely wonderful :)

[knightofbalance-13]

HOLD IT!

https://sokumotanaka.tumblr.com/post/162989658394/friendly-reminder-that-selfish-asshole-jaune-arc

Halt!

I, Knight Of Balance, retired RWDE counter lawyer, have re-entered the fray!

Why?

because of the slander against the innocent Jaune Arc, my friend, @mageknight14, against Miles and Kerry!

case... RE-OPEN!

-Despite getting blackmailed into throwing sap at his friends (if he didn’t, he would be forced to give up his dream) by an asshole, still didn’t throw the sap at his friends and stood up to Cardin. A typical bully arc seen a billion times, speaking of blackmail jaune snuck into beacon which forging and sneaking into places your unqualified for is a crime; and we’re never given a reason. If blake a person who went from heist to literally beacon and several orphans can also get in then why didn’t he just join the academy? There’s virtually no point to him forging documents if blake can literally walk in.

HOLD IT!

First off: The bully arc comment has nothing to with the discussion at hand! this si just slander against Miles Luna And Kerry Shawcross!

Second: It is ever said that forging transcripts for Beacon is a crime! And even if it did, there is NOTHING that counters the argument about the blackmail.

Third: Blake was surprised by the fact that Ozpin knew she was in the White Fang despite the fact that her own FATHER was the former leader, meaning she deliberately hid that fact. Meaning she did in fact at least falsify her transcripts so this argument is invalid.

Didn’t put Pyrrha on a pedestal and treated her like a person and a friend instead of a celebrity. OBJECTION! I’d argue nobody but weiss did that and ene then it was only for her own selfish gain, every other character didn’t even seem to aknowledge her status nor did anyone at the tournament despite being from the four corners of remnant Not one pyrrha fan in the bunch? Suspicious don’t you think? Because they writing didn’t convey her status expect among five characters those being weiss, ozpin, qrow, ironwood and gynda. Nice try MK

HOLD IT!

Pyrrha herself outright admits in Volume 2 Episode 7, as seen here (https://youtu.be/0-f-mGvOba8?t=3m17s) that people in the PAST held her up on a pedestal and Jaune didn’t do it the instant he saw her, ergo he treaded her as a normal person out right. This also means that by meeting her through Jaune, a completely normal guy, they wouldn’t treat her that way!

But!

Soku has directly attacked Miles and Kerry twice now! This is proof that he doesn’t care about the facts and simply interrupting everything as a way to attack them , AKA confirmation bias. I submit two more pieces of evidence that support this (https://sokumotanaka.tumblr.com/post/162989670704/barbara-dunkelman-i-just-think-its-a-show-that / https://sokumotanaka.tumblr.com/post/162989666784/lindsay-jones-theres-a-lot-of-vibrancy-in-the ). And as we shall see that is the case as we continue!

-Offered Ruby a helping hand when they first met and became her first friend at Beacon. Yes after ruby offered him a helping hand; it’s common for most to extend their hands after they do the same to you; this is a good point.  But nobody gets brownie points for doing something they’re suppose to do in a school where teamwork is a priority.

OBJECTION!

That is not the point of the post! The point of the post is to show Jaune arc is not an asshole, not that he should be rewarded for common things. The mere fact that Jaune acts like a decent human being is proof he is not an asshole!

This is yet again another case fo confirmation bias on Soku’s part!

-Saves said asshole from getting mauled by a Ursa. And said ursa targeted him as well, yes he may have helped but again doing the thing you’re suppose to do in said school doesn’t earn you brownie points,  And in the end it was more of a thing about pride to him. Sad cause that could have been a great character moment.

OBJECTION!

That is a direct lie! As shown in Episode 14 (https://youtu.be/PS9huFMmSoc?t=1m34s) the Ursa outright avoid Jaune to go after Cardin: he was never in danger. And considering how hated Cardin is for his bullying and racism, the same cannot be said of everyone that they would save him. I would argue both Nora and Blake would leave him to fend it off then help him if he were to die. And again, this is not the point of the post, this is yet another example of Soku moving the goalposts to suit his own desires.  And there is no indication that this was a pride thing: In fact, if Jaune were prideful, he’d leave cardin to the Ursa as revenge for ruining his pride.

As evidence by Soku’s last statement, this si yet another attack on the writers, showing more confirmation bias as he lies and willfully misinterupts the scene to suit his narrative.

-Realized how selfishly he was acting during Jaundice and owned up to it and apologized to Pyrrha. That’s actually a good point but need again I bring up you don’t get brownie points for doing something you’re suppose to. Like being a decent human isn’t something you should get pat on the back for you should have the common sense not to be an ass. You could learn from this MK

OBJECTION!

That is the point: jaune is not an asshole. He is a decent human being. What Soku is doing is trying to change the subject in order to achieve a victory!

But since he sees this fit, so shall I: Soku has displayed signs of Psychopathic behavior in calling everyone who disagrees with him a racist, a sexist and a homophobe eve if they are victims of these there things, spreads slander about a person, lies to suit his own needs and has even suicide baited before. If this is a case of morality, then I demand that Soku be judged on these accounts as well!

-Despite being jealous of Neptune, encourages him to be himself and to ask Weiss to dance. He lectures him for not asking weiss out, and this is after constantly creepying on her for several scenes even going as far to say he’d stop being weird if she opened the door and then said  “I lied.” stalking and creeping is a real fucking issuse and using it as a point of humor is in bad taste. Sorry but jaune gets no sympathy from me.

OBJECTION!

From Soku’s pharsing, it would imply that Jaune did the same thing to Weiss but worse so this is manipulative wording. “Creeping” is not a word and Jaune is not shown to have obsessive behavior over Weiss aside from your average love struck teen, especially seeing as he would use possessive tones toward Weiss when the lecture he in facts gives Neptune is over using Weiss and not atking her feelings into account like any friend would. (https://youtu.be/0-f-mGvOba8?t=4m31s) Again, this is a lie.

To expand on the stalking subject as it will come up later, Stalking is defined and determined as such by legal dictionary: “Stalking is a distinctive form of criminal activity composed of a series of actions that taken individually might constitute legal behavior. For example, sending flowers, writing love notes, and waiting for someone outside her place of work are actions that, on their own, are not criminal. When these actions are coupled with an intent to instill fear or injury, however, they may constitute a pattern of behavior that is illegal.“ Since Jaune’s intent was not to instill fear or injury onto Weiss, he was not, in fact, stalking.

Also: Of Soku ahs no sympathy for Jaune. He has psychopathic tendencies: they have no sympathy for anyone aside from themselves.

-Wears a dress (keep in mind that he said he would do so if Pyrrha didn’t get a date to the dance as a JOKE) to cheer up Pyrrha and dances with her. There is no good or bad outcome to this.

OBJECTION!

The post is about Jaune not being an asshole and by going this far to keep a joking promise to Pyrrha to cheer her up shows that he is not an asshole. That is why this is relevant.

-When Pyrrha was feeling down about the Maiden affair, tries his best to understand what is going on and to be encouraging and comforting to her (granted, he didn’t know what was going on and Pyrrha accidentally slams him into a wall, but still). Need I say it again?

What he needs to do is show that jaune is in fact an asshole, which he has yet to do without lying and misinterepting facts.

-Despite Pyrrha slamming him into a wall, still shows up to her and Penny’s tournament round to support her. Well ren and nora ask him too it’s not a matter of akwardness it’s just being a leader; I mean wow jaune showed up what a good person to show up when all the other members of your team also show up?

That’s the point: Jaune is a decent person: that is what the post is arguing. it never said he was exceptional for doing this: just not bad.

After Pyrrha breaks down after accidentally killing Penny and as a result, doesn’t notice a Nevermore about to attack, rushes into the battlefield in order to get her out of the way, with no thought or worry for himself. Again everyone did this as well, doing your job and rescuing a teammate in danger is not something you should get patted on the back for, espeically when several people do the same thing.

Same point here, along with evidence showing he is, in fact, changing the topic at hand to suit his own needs.

-After Cinder’s speech and watching Pyrrha being incredibly torn up over her accidental murder of Penny, he and Ruby immediately assure her that it wasn’t her fault and that Cinder was to blame for this. A obvious thing to do, epsecially after ruby started doing it.

And the right thing to do as well, proving his point and therefore disproving yours.

-Realizing that he won’t be able to make it to Pyrrha in time, he immediately calls Ruby and Weiss to go to her and help. After ozpin tells him to call gynda and him and pyrrha stand there watching, doing nothing until he just disappears. Yes calling for help is great but disobeying a headmaster in disstress? A poor display of leadership, smarts to call both and potentially putting both ruby and weiss in danger? Good call indeed.

HOLD IT!

One: this is a case of morality, not jaune’s leadership skills.

Two: Jaune was obviously emotionally distressed when he called them (https://youtu.be/hq1lk-QWxNg?t=5m31s) thus is not in the right state of mind and thus showing bais against Mr. Arc.

Three: Jaune was never told that. Pyrrha was. (https://youtu.be/pT1XiUbJu_Y?t=15m33s) jaune ahd been knocked by Cnder several seconds before so he was still recovering and didn’t hear Ozpin Even so, Pyrrha never told him to get ahold of anyone. So this is yet another lie.

-Still keeps a recording of Pyrrha helping him train so all the work and effort she put into believing in him doesn’t go to waste. I mean that’s not an example of being nice as it is mourning and sadness.

OBJECTION!

An asshole would be glaring and cursing Pyrrha for leaving him: Since Jaune did not, he is not an asshole.

-Despite not liking Qrow, still helps Ruby carry him around when he was poisoned and brings him to safety out of the Nuckalevee’s way. After literally berating her uncle who showed up to save her after jaune didn’t even make an attempt; jaune literally dislike him because despite Qrow being kind of a dick he’s overall a better person and blames him for something he had no part in.  

HOLD IT!

Qrow pressured Pyrrha into becoming a Maiden which is what Jaune called him out on. And the only things Jaune ahs been accused of is being misgyonistic, which Qrow himself fits by his standards when he talked a bar maid’s skirt. So they are equal at that point and with Qrow’s self admit dickishness, Qrow is lower than Jaue on the morality pole. Thus this statement is both a lie and invalid.

uplifting speech about how despite Ruby witnessing Pyrrha’s death along with losing Penny, Team RWBY, and to a certain extent, Yang, she keeps pressing forward, and that gave them the courage to keep pressing forward, while playing down his own loss. A scene where ruby should have expressed said feelings of pain and loss rather than have them talked to at her, he plays up his loss with the sad training, berating qrow for something ozpin did infront of ruby this is a man she loves and he shits on him for reasons and things he was just for the lack of a better term barely within earshot of.

Ruby did in fact express feelings of pain and loss was expressing self loathing, self doubt and self guilt but instead focused on the condition and safety of team JN_R, balming herself for their misfortunes which at that point jaune stops her, recalls everything she’s lost, shows her that she kept moving them forward and that she should put herself down. (https://youtu.be/QjBtT4uCWpI?t=9m13s) This is yet another direct lie.

Just like the accusation jaune berated Qrow in that segment which, as the links I shall provide here (https://youtu.be/QjBtT4uCWpI?t=3m57s / https://youtu.be/QjBtT4uCWpI?t=8m47s) show he did no such thing.

In the space of one argument, he has lied twice now just to make Mr. Arc look bad.

You see the reason people say jaune is a dick is because how he progresses through the story. He stalks and annoys weiss despite her wanting nothing to do with him. Ignores pyrrha when she introduces herself and once weiss is in his arms completely forgets the fact that pyyrha is in danger with a grimm chasing her and doesn’t even attempt to tell anyone.

Jaune was introduced flying into Ruby and jumped in to try and stop Weiss from falling on the hard ground. This all happened right AFTER Pyrrha and the deathstalker appear. (https://youtu.be/ctiDu69kIho?t=1m57s)

Despite earlier talking about wanting to be a hero and wanting to help people has several opportunities to do so and just watches this happen like the velet scene despite this contridicting his established characterization.

As did the entirety of RWBY and JNPR: However, unlike jaune who si weaker than cardin and due to his bullying is an apologist for him, they are all at least as strong as Cardin (especially Yang, Pyrrha and ironically Velvet herself.) Also, in schools, it is not the bully who gets punished in that situation, it is the one who retaliated and so Jaune would gotten his ass kicked and gotten in trouble.

Sleeps in class and doesn’t bother studying; Need I remind you this is a place people have to work their asses off to get in and he’s neglecting any form of bettering himself

OBJECTION!

Two episodes prior, Ruby herself is sleeping in class and I have yet to see you call her out as well. (https://youtu.be/-E6aeUjfBCM?t=3m5s) and so you only choose toc all out Jaune because he is Jaune. Also: this is not a moral thing so it is irrelevant.

Gets pissed off when a strong talented huntsman offers her help in training despite him literally needing it cause as ruby said “You’re a leader now jaune.” but acts like a spoiled brat and refuses help, studying etc to the point of actually bring his team down because of such.  you know those group projects everyone hates where if one jerk doesn’t attempt anything you all fail cause it’s a group project? Jaune is being that guy.

May I ask if there is proof of such a group project is during Jaune’s time like that? because as of EPisode 14, Jaune no longer displays this tendency. (https://youtu.be/PS9huFMmSoc?t=4m36s) In fact, Jaune himself says exactly what you do and promises to never do this again, which he has not.

Literally continues stalking weiss and gets jealous/petty whe she likes someone else.

HOLD IT!

As I have proven before, jaune’s anger was not out fo pettiness towards Neptune but rather because he hurt Weiss for rejecting her for seeminly no reason.

Just as well, I have proven Jaune was not stalking Weiss as well due to a lakc of malicious intent.

And the statement is also a lie: Pyrrha never outright asked out Jaune, unlike Weiss. And this also implies it was okay for Neptune to do that but not Jaune.

Decides to completely derail a fight because he wants to yell ship names going as far as to snap at a person who literally reminds him of such.

Derailing a fight is not a moral issue and there are no rules against what jaune was doing, just weird. (https://youtu.be/RzEo0F8thL4?t=4m51s)

Pyrrha again is making advances on him during their alone time and jaune never breaks it off when it would be easier to say “I just don’t have these feelings for you.” than lead the poor girl on.

HOLD IT!

Jaune is obviously incapable of seeing that Pyrrha was interested in him going as far back as the dance arc (https://youtu.be/0-f-mGvOba8?t=4m) And thus making the assumption he’s stringing her along purposefully is not only false but is shifting the blame from Pyrrha who should have asked him out if she wa sthat serious!

In the middle of ruby saying it’s not your fault decides to cut her off so he can have a speech.

because he wants to make a point know: Yang, Blake, Pyrrha and Qrow have all done it.

Is told to watch amber if he wants to help pyrrha ignores the order after said headmaster trusted him to guard her and indirectly hands the maiden powers to cinder.

HOLD IT!

Jaune did in fact stand guard (https://youtu.be/pT1XiUbJu_Y?t=12m18s) only breaking when Pyrrha cried out, thus showing concern for his best friend. (https://youtu.be/pT1XiUbJu_Y?t=14m17s) By this logic, it’s Ozpin’s fault because his job was done, he was closer to Amber and he should have faster reflexes: If Ozpin can’t stop the arrow, neither Jaune or anyone short of an experienced Huntsman could.

When the headmaster tells him to call glynda him and pyrrha stare at the battle and don’t even bother reaching into their pockets.

Again, Pyrrha was told that, not jaune. the responsibility goes to him since he was recovering when he said that. Not jaune’s fault Pyrrha didn’t call.

Then jaune calls pyrrha and ruby two inexperienced hunters to help fight off a person with powerful maiden powers???

A Prodegy and her partner in a time he was not in the right state of mind.

Vol. 4 Starts off with him idiotically  claiming one of his strategies as “hitting it harder.” while also running around with no weapons/defenses making him an actual detriment to the team, when he could sit back and still give orders or if he so smart set up traps or something.

1. The team said he should go with no weapons (https://youtu.be/IZKpkzPIRlw?t=9m52s) 2. Limited supplies and no experiences in traps and 3. He detailed his plan and reasoning. (https://youtu.be/IZKpkzPIRlw?t=11m39s)

Also, by this logic, Ruby is an asshole for making the Geist’s arm catch fire and make it more dangerous. So this shows more bias against Jaune.

Despite not knowing who pyrrha is has sent in enough box tops to get a hoodie which makes no sense.

Actually, eh recognized her FROM the box (https://youtu.be/H09KTtyElWQ?t=4m) Just not in person, which happens in real life as well.

Gripes at ruby for not knowing how long the trip would take despite their original plan being taking a airship and not again remembering she’s a child with a power to go fast.

1. The airship was in the first destroyed village (https://youtu.be/IZKpkzPIRlw?t=16m49s) and Ruby’s Semblance can only hold herself and takes Aura to use, thus leaving her vunerable to attack.

Instead of taking pyrrha’s armor to her family people who’d probably want it he melted it down (with no regard for ren/nora) into his own armor. Classy.

Pyrrha had to have armor at her house in Mistral as well as all her mementos from before Jaune.

Drops the map instead of…putting it away like a good strategist would do.

As does Ruby, who holds the same title, because of the shock of seeing the destroyed village. (https://youtu.be/rHjUHnG7WOQ?t=4m28s)

When ren talks about this city being apart of his past and how he lost his family jaune decides to say “it’s creepy let’s get out of here.”

Grimm are attracted to areas of great disasters, as shown in Volume 2 with Mountain Glem.

Despite coming to a town he’s never been to talks about how he hates/is tired of losing everything.  Yet is content to sit there and watch ruby get shanked after saying that; jaune would not sit there (more on this in a bit.)

Tyrian single handedly destroyed Nora, Ren and Ruby, all three of whom are magnitudes stronger than him: he’ fight Tyrian, die, and have Ruby grieve even more while STILL getting caught by Tyrian. It would mean nothing and Jaune’s expression shows so.

After her uncle saves her life and risk his, the family she loves dearly berates him as I said because of a choice ozpin makes….after saving all their lives…berates him for a semblance that makes no sense (If miles says semblance takes aura then how could people have passive one’s without their aura depleting???)

That Qrow supported, pressured Pyrrha in and about a subject that is sensitive to him. Also, this shows bias against Miles as you complain about it now but not in the Ruby example.

Idiotically when ruby states “they’ll be okay.” decides to be pessimistic knowing it will attract grimm.

Ruby acts over naïve and lets her guard down not to mention the fact that you ignore this in the Tyrian example seeing as this would attract MORE Grimm to RNJR.

See the problem is how contidictory his character is, he wants to be a hero yet refuses to better himself even for his team and it’s not until so real coaxing does that set in cause he’d not be only telling himself down but his team.

Argument is about whether or not jaune is an asshole, not his overall character. Not only that, there is justification for hs actions when you aren’t directly lying about it. And that second line shows that he isn’t an asshole by your own words because an asshole would be self absorbed whereas Jaune is being selfless. Also there is no proof Jaune is not trying, a least, no less than Ruby who has the same motivation.

Despite being a “tactician” has only did three things. -yell pyrrha (and these people he never met suddenly do a team attack??) -Say we hit it harder.” Despite again nora about to do that and their being several ways to prove his smarts otherwise. -Telling the people who are already circling the creature to circle it.

1. They both look at the stinger and at each other, understanding each other. (https://youtu.be/ctiDu69kIho?t=8m52s)

2. Already disproved this

3. Only ren was, the others where not.

And when he wants to be a good person or wants to genuinly do something it’s shutdown by an action jaune would never do, you said so yourself he ran out to pyrrha and stated in vol. 4 he was tired of losing everything yet didn’t even attempt to help ruby which just isn’t jaune; he’d try something; anything.

Excpet Pyrrha did that exact same thing and died and grief, y your own admission, attracts Grimm so even if he could help her, he’d just be making her life worse by dying.

It blows when a character wants to be good but is constantly bogged down by by writing making his kind of an asshole, so yes he’s an asshole  with a moodswing by my and many diagnostics.

All of which are based on lying, misinformation and misintereptation.

Because we pay attention to the events that happen; no one is making up him being an asshole espeically not such a large portion of people.

Actually yes, you are. Unlike me who ahs given links to support his debunking, you do not which shows you know you’re full of it and refuse to show proof because it would contradict you.

It’s not rational thinking, jaune is a contrasting character and people and like him but dislike where he’s going and his actions just like any other character; I hope you’ll put some thought into that.

Actually, everytime this comes up, it ahs been lies and misinformation just like here: if you are right, show your proof and don’t lie. I have conclusively proven that the hatred are Mr. Arc is founded only on bias, lies, misinformation and misinterptation . This post is proof.

You have shown to lie, show bias against jaune and the writers, misinform and misinetrupt at every twists and turn to the point that every compliant you have lobbied here has been debunked.

Until next time; Case closed!

Yes, it is. And you have been found guilty of misinformation, bias, misrepresentation, moving goalposts and lying. So I think you should take this into account: If you must lie to sell your narrative, you’re probably wrong.

[saranel]

thesplendidangharadd replied to your post “That's why I didn't understand your logic. While you admitted that...”

I know you hate it when I kinda " hijack" your post but seriously I couldn't stop myself on this one . Kubo did "show" us several times ichigo had latent feelings for Orihime . The lust arc ? The grimmjow fight ? The way he reacted when she was taken to hueco Mundo ? All of this happened around chapter 200 /300 it's not the end of the story . The fandom went out of its way to prove those moments meant nothing and IT DID . The thing is that

all those ichiruki moments you think Kubo "showed" can be interpreted as a strong platonic friendship . Ichigo's showing his feelings for orihime though ? Can only be interpreted as romantic . It's the peak of mauvaise foi for you to show us yoruichi telling ichigo to say something nice to orihime and not show those like 6 panels of him blushing out of his mind just because orihime wore a revealing outfit which was the " show" part of " show don't tell"

Kubo did not separate ichigo and rukia in order to push for ichihime . He separated them because from a story telling point of view their relationship reached its narrative end at the end of the fullbring arc . Ichigo doubted rukia was still his nakama because she did not come to see him while he was powerless but when she came back to gave him his powers he understood the bond he had with her was unbreakable which made him understand the bond he had with his other frien

friends ( who were under tsukishima influence at the time ) was also unbreakable . Showing scenes of them together had no point because the readers knew where they stood , their bond didn't need further developemment . Ichihime did and renruki though and that's why there is more of it in the last arc . Bleach was not a victim of ichiruki chemistry but of the ichiruki fandom who had a frienship who could be interpreted as love for the first 100 chapters and clung to it

for the other 580 chapters of the manga blindly refuting what was irrefutable proof that the manga was going in the ichihime direction

*sigh* You do realize that the reply feature is meant to be used for short messages? Save your interlocutor the trouble and hit ‘reblog’ pls?

(putting this under a cut because I care about my fellow man and their dash)

I know you hate it when I kinda " hijack" your post but seriously I couldn't stop myself on this one

Er... When have I ever said that...? I’m not even sure what you mean by ‘hijack’? Replying to/reblogging a post is not hijacking.  I can ignore your rebuttal if I so wish and if I didn’t want people to react to this post I wouldn’t have made it (though I’d blame the requester for the impetus, I was just replying to an ask).  S’all good 👍 

I’ll tell you what I do dislike, though, since we’re on the subject (hate is a pretty strong word): people who reply to a post in underhanded ways.  Liiiike, say (and this is completely off the top of my head, totes random example) taking screenshots of a post (not even in its entirety), then uploading them to their blog and going off on a rant the OP will receive no notification for and thus cannot respond to unless they stumble upon it by chance. Which of course allows them to be as unpleasant as they like before their audience of sycophants and call the OP names without fear of them actually weighing in.  

Wouldn’t happen to be familiar with a class act like that, would you? :) Just curious!

And yeah, I bet you couldn’t help yourself.  It’s, like, so harrrrd to stay out of the tag of your NOTP.  It’s not like you want to stir up trouble, no siree, not you, not ever.

The thing is that all those ichiruki moments you think Kubo "showed" can be interpreted as a strong platonic friendship . Ichigo's showing his feelings for orihime though ? Can only be interpreted as romantic

[...] Showing scenes of [Ichigo and Rukia] together had no point because the readers knew where they stood , their bond didn't need further developemment . Ichihime did and renruki though and that's why there is more of it in the last arc .

I’m confused.  If the only way to interpret all of Ichigo’s interactions with Orihime is under a romantic light, then why did IH and RR need further development? Weren’t the endgame pairs perfectly clear?

Also, both those points are in my original post.  I do mention the platonic aspect of IchiRuki and I do say that IH and RR needed a lot more development.

It's the peak of mauvaise foi for you to show us yoruichi telling ichigo to say something nice to orihime and not show those like 6 panels of him blushing out of his mind

Mauvaise foi??? Are we talking about the intent to deceive here, or Sartrean existentialism?????? Because either way, how on earth does it apply? Did I maliciously neglect to show some sort of huge moment in IH development? Because let me tell ya, Ichigo blushing at the sight of Rukia’s ass doesn’t really rank high in a list of top IR moments, either. I’d be surprised if it even makes the top 20.  It’s little more than icing, because the rest of the cake is already there.

Ichigo blushing at the sight of Orihime’s outfit isn’t exactly the best pro-IH argument, because this isn’t the first time he’s blushed at the sight of a pretty girl/woman showing some skin:

If blushing is meant to be interpreted as a surefire sign of actual affection and not the result of being a 17-year-old boy in the presence of sexiness, get ready for IchiRukiRanYoruHime, y’all. And they say Harem Anime is unrealistic.

But you know what?  The Orihime moment is unique in a very obvious way: Ichigo didn’t even notice Orihime’s outfit until Chad brought it to his attention, which is precisely the point.

You’ll notice I didn’t use the panel of Ichigo looking at Rukia’s ass and juxtapose the two in my original post, because that would’ve been pointless.  There is a reason I chose that panel of Yoruichi and it’s two-fold: 1) the post you read was the third response in a series of asks I got about Ichigo being teased about Orihime, and 2) the Yoruichi incident, just like the Chad incident before it, is an example of ‘telling.’

Ichigo’s friends need to constantly draw his attention to Orihime because he’s not doing it on his own.  If he was in love with Orihime, he should have been paying attention to her without anyone having to pester him into it. Up until the final arc, Ichigo is completely oblivious to her and her feelings unless they’re the only two people in a room or she’s directly talking to him (the scene where she heals him in SS and tears up comes to mind, or the one directly post the Aizen fight before he collapses).  

And it shouldn’t be this way for a guy who’s in love with a girl, even if he doesn’t yet realize it (since you mentioned ‘latent’ feelings).  She should be the first person he notices in a group, the person he singles out.  That would be showing.  The only time this ever happens is after they meet up with Ishida and Ichigo notices Orihime crying.  And it’s too little too late by that point for someone who, as you claim, has liked her for a while now.  If you want to argue that Ichigo has only just started falling for Orihime around chapter 661, that I can understand and get behind, even though I’m not a fan of the ship. 

I never claimed all those moments you talk about in the Lust arc are meaningless.  I can’t speak for the bulk of the fandom, but I’ve always believed Ichigo cares deeply about Orihime.  That much is undeniable.  But the reason I never thought of this affection as romantic is because it’s not followed through in the story until the very end.  Ichigo would die for every single one of his friends; his rushing to HM to save Orihime has no romantic connotations (just like the act of his rushing to SS to save Rukia is not romantic when examined in a vacuum).  But every time Ichigo and Orihime had a moment in the series, it wasn’t ever shown to change his feelings.

I mean, hell, when he carries Orihime in the HM arc, her ass is literally next to his face and there isn’t a blush in sight.

Have fun trying to picture Ishida in the exact same scenario, guys.  I know I did

Orihime, who actually, canonically likes Ichigo, is blushing like no-one’s business, while Ichigo is all: “Bruh, this is the quickest way.” He just casually picks her up like it’s no big deal, when before he rescued Rukia in SS, the friggin’ dork just stood there with the flames of the Sōkyoku blazing behind him, grinning at her like an idiot and trying to look cool. Which is exactly the kind of crap teenage boys pull to impress the girls they like.

Even after that moment in the Lust arc of Ichigo being brought back by Orihime’s voice (which I know is very big with IH shippers) nothing changes in the way Ichigo sees her.  When he activates his Fullbring, Rukia is still the person he singles out, even after he literally rose from the dead to save Orihime.

This is what I mean by “Show, don’t tell.” In a properly developed romance, the climax of the Ulquiorra fight should’ve been the start of Ichigo at the very least starting to pay more attention to Orihime.

We get all this panel time of Orihime thinking about Ichigo, talking about her feelings for Ichigo, but nothing on his side.  He’s the friggin’ protagonist.  He should’ve spent at least some time thinking about Orihime without anyone having to push him into it.  It wouldn’t even have to be explicitly romantic like it was with Orihime, all Kubo needed to do to show his changing feelings was to occasionally show Ichigo thinking about her.  The only time I can ever recall him specifically doing so was to point out that her powers had grown and that was always after either talking to her or watching her in action.

You said it yourself: IH and RR needed more development.  And that’s the problem right there.  Ichigo and Rukia could’ve jumped straight into a romance almost immediately post Yhwach fight and even people who don’t like the pairing couldn’t have claimed they needed more development.  Even in the RR novel, Ichigo and Orihime don’t get together until 3 years post war.  

I can picture Ichigo and Orihime growing closer and Ichigo falling in love with her at some point after 684.  What I don’t see and never have is evidence of that romance from his side in the manga. The fact that they got married isn’t in itself proof of Ichigo having been in love with her from the start, it’s proof that he’s in love with her now and has been since whenever it was they started dating. 

Kubo did not separate ichigo and rukia in order to push for ichihime . He separated them because from a story telling point of view their relationship reached its narrative end at the end of the fullbring arc .

Oh, that is complete bullcrap and you know it.  Setting aside pairings for a moment, can you honestly tell me that when you thought of the final showdown in Bleach you pictured Ichigo, Aizen and Renji with a dash of last-minute Ishida thrown in?

I’ve seen posts from IH fans rejoicing in “Kubo trolling the IR fandom” and talking about how he deliberately kept Ichigo and Rukia apart, or made certain choices just to spite the fandom.  You can’t have it both ways, claiming that Kubo merely followed the narrative one day, then saying he did it on purpose the next one. It’s one or the other, can’t be both.

Kubo himself called Rukia the protagonist of the Shinigami side and she wasn’t there for any of the confrontations against Yhwach.  Orihime, at least, fought alongside Ichigo in the first one, but Rukia was completely sidelined.  ‘From a story telling point of view,’ she deserved to be there instead of Renji, but since Kubo was pressed for time, he had Renji join Ichigo on his own so they could have a talk on the way there and cement RR.  Renji literally did nothing in the final battle, unlike Aizen and Ishida.  It could’ve been anyone but Ishida in his place and the result would’ve been exactly the same.  There was no reason for him to be there on his own other than to talk about his reconciliation with Rukia.  Which was a lovely moment, but it could’ve happened at literally any other time.  Orihime wouldn’t have been left alone, either, if Rukia had joined them: the Fullbringers were all there to stay with her.

Kubo didn’t have the time to do a full-on nakama fight, so he gave Orihime her moment earlier on; shat all over Chad; shoehorned Ishida in because this was kinda his arc after all, oopsie; used Renji as canon fodder, and devoted a full chapter on Aizen swinging his dick Kyōka Suigetsu around.  But no Rukia.  

Because you know, just as well as I do, that if she had been there for the end, fighting alongside Ichigo (since a group fight wasn’t feasible), the negative reaction to the ending would’ve been ten times as bad.   

[capitalideachaps]

A Conversation with My “Rapist” - Part 1, A History

Two days ago, I had a very interesting experience. TW: abuse, trauma and rape

I want to share it with you all and process it - brace yourself for a long, very personal, pretty heavy read... in multiple parts 

 I came to uni  3 years ago, at age 19,  with an open heart and open mind, thankful to have escaped from the home town where I suffered a great deal of abuse, neglect, bullying and harassment. I was feeling hopeful - I could use this fresh start and change of environment and pace to change things and myself. I was also very vulnerable - having missed out on so much development and many of the experiences that a normal child growing into an adult would face. 

I knew I was damaged from my past, I was scared of simple things - like being hugged. This held me back in connecting to people  (and still does now in more complex ways) - the thing I wanted most, and I tried to work on this everyday. I attempted to slowly confront my fears and relearn how people are.(As it stands, I can now hug people without being scared so yay me!) 

During this time, I find someone who I really like and am immediately intensely attracted to. They are charming, fun and somewhat mysterious. Truth be told, I could still write a thousand sonnets about the experience of “falling in love” (albeit superficially) with them. This was maybe the 3rd time in my life I’d had a real life (as opposed to online) crush return the interest - the first and only genuinely wholesome time being when I was 14. (side bar: Dear Penguin Boy, you will always hold a special place in my heart, you adorable nerd. I am so sorry I dumped you out of the blue, I wasn’t aware of splitting back then or my shitty disordered attachment style. PS. How’s your egg doing? ) The second was when I was 18, and in retrospect was probably (read: definitely) being manipulated by this older Dutch man who had a thing for taking advantage of inexperienced younger girls. (Which my virgin ass surely was.) The trauma of that experience is a story for another time. 

This was only made better by the fact this time it was a fucking girl. A fellow woman? Showing interest in ME? LORD BE PRAISED - MY GAY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE. I could barely believe it was even happening. 

We hook up and eventually begin to date. The relationship is incredibly tumultuous - our flaws and unresolved past baggage ravage the other’s. We both like each other, but over the year and a half of stop and starts we hurt each other frequently. 

I know I’ve made mistakes in the relationship - applying pressure for it to be more serious than she wanted (FWB to actually dating) being the main one. And beyond that, pushing for things to go to fast and trying to rush the emotional connection that I was craving. We start on poor footing due to this, but she doesn’t protest strongly or make it clear when things progress further that we’ve gone beyond what she wants. In retrospect, it was still wrong of me to pursue to relationship in the first place.

 I  wish we’d just dated super casually instead - less sex and private hang outs (where if you don’t talk, there’s not much to do but fuck) and more public dates until we knew each other better or didn’t want to pursue it further. I also wish we’d deeply and bluntly discussed our understanding of what was happening, where things were going and relationships in general. Pro-tip: always confirm definitions - people mean totally different things with the same words.  It would have made things a whole lot less confusing. 

As we date, certain things become clear.

She doesn’t understand consent. She knows that if someone says no you stop - but beyond this, she cannot see the grey areas that exist and that it’s most important to get a yes.

I live in the grey areas, unwillingly, which is why I try to communicate so bluntly and be so straight forward. I’m already so complex - I don’t need or want to add any extra grey. Being complicated isn’t something fun I chose to do to be mysterious - it’s something I had forced upon me by circumstance - fighting to survive and get my needs met as a child. How I’ve adapted to cope with that. It’s something I’ve spent and will spend years in therapy trying to rectify. 

When I try to talk to her about this - she wants me to teach her about BDSM, so I try to start with the most important part, the foundation, consent and communication - she gets angry with me. She considers herself the victim and does not take criticism or questioning well - but it takes me years to realise this. 

I try desperately to understand her, but with no communication to go on, I am lost. She hates when I probe and needs to open up in her own time. She doesn’t share much of anything at all  -  from the small details about her day up to how she feels in the moment. I am sometimes given stories from her past, and left to extrapolate the rest. I hate the unknown - I am scared, so I push- for anything.

I have idolised her and refuse to blame her for her flaws. I buy into the victim narrative she believes not realising it. I am unable to explain her behaviour through insight into her past or present emotional state/experiences due to lack of data, but I try desperately anyway. Lacking context, I settle on believing her actions are always my fault, a lie I’ve been fed by abusers in the past. She’ll give me what I want and need when I deserve it by being perfect.

I become increasingly scared, self-loathing and insecure. I berate myself for every small thing I see as being done wrong, and whenever I take issue or am hurt by something she does or doesn’t do (usually communicate with me more), I find a way to make it my fault. I waste hours of my alone time on this, tearing myself down. 

I believe I am abusive and toxic, I am the perpetrator and she believes she is the victim of things in life and I suppose that she rarely does anything wrong. I deny my own reality and accept hers. She doesn’t need to manipulate me, no one would, I do it to myself.

 In my defence, my reality was/is pretty fucking abysmal and you might want to deny it in my place too. Despite the misplaced shame and guilt, it’s easier to be an abusive person than admit you’ve been so chronically abused and continue to relive it. One is a position of power... and the other is a complete lack of it. If I’m being abusive, then I can change. If I’m being mistreated, there’s not much I can do, it’s in the other person’s hands to cut it out or step up. And if there is anything that will trigger a victim of childhood neglect and abuse it's feeling helpless / powerless. 

To others, it looks like she is manipulating me to believe this about myself, but in fact I am filling  the gaps in our relationship with past experiences. I am reliving and recreating the trauma of my past abuse. She shares the victim mentality (and unfortunately enough, the height and build and gender expression of, priming me for this response) with a past online lover of mine who I was emotionally abused by and sexually pressured by for a year at 17.

It is easy to see how rape occurs within this dynamic. And, as a big surprise to no one, it did

 In a way, it was predestined by the circumstance and flaws of each of us. It was almost inevitable, unless either I realised what was happening and dealt with my past trauma or she worked through her issues with the victim mentality and then went on the learn more about consent and communication. We were both 19. This wasn’t going to happen without some outside intervention. 

Here’s the interesting part though - the level of insight, understanding and processing I have now would not have been reached had I not sat down to talk with her multiple times. It wasn’t easy and it definitely wasn’t pleasant for either of us - but I know it was ultimately beneficial. Or, at least... the most recent go at it (only a few days ago) was. And that’s what I would like to explore next.