#like all parties involved please seek therapy

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

Ngl, at this point I'm starting to think that if an Avatar's name starts with a "K" they are going to have the sloppiest and/or most messed up/questionable love life imaginable. TT0TT

Cause the top three offenders are: Korra, Kuruk, and Kyoshi jasklfdja

I'mma call it the "Kurse" at this rate jfkdasljf TT0TT

[mageofseven]

The Boys and Therapy

Let's face it; there's not a single man in Obey Me who couldn't benefit from therapy. At least three of them have daddy issues, about six of them still grieve Lilith's exit from their life (since Satan wasn't a physical person yet, I don't think he hurts over it as much as the others) at least three of them have issues non parent family issues, three of them at minimum are constantly under stress, and almost ALL of them have been through some sort of trauma.

Honestly, this list could go farther, but Imma just jump into the post~

Please enjoy 🥰

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

Therapy In the Devildom

First off, I would like to explain how I see therapy in the Devildom. It's a relatively new practice in the realm, brought in by the cultural exchange program started in the first game (I cannot imagine therapy being a thing here during the time of Nightbringer since things are so chaotic and the people were still so closed-minded).

Devildom is a place where secrets are treasured more than grimm. Even a greed demon, when given the choice between a vault near-bursting with grimm or a single secret about some demonic duke, would choose the secret every time because it's intrinsic value is so much more in this realm.

So when therapy was beginning to become a practice here in the Devildom, they simply could not afford to go about it the same ways humans did; laws simply were not enough to keep the client's secrets safe.

The job of a therapist is considered a prestigious one in the Devildom, carrying with it the status of being a staunch member of the Aldatu faction (a political party in the Devildom dedicated to change and the chaos that comes with it, the 'true demon way'; they oppose the Traditionalist faction and are backed by Diavolo himself).

Such prestige made it easier for the demons pursuing these jobs to accept the innumerable amount of curses placed on them so they couldn't reveal their clients' secrets. Of course, there were checks and balances to this though. If any secret involved a severe law being broken or if the client revealed plans to hurt themself or others, they had assigned curse breakers to help them through the process.

This process helped a lot of demons feel comfortable enough to seek their services.

This is how the Boys found themselves seeking such services as well.

~

Lucifer:

This man was pushed into it by Diavolo.

The Avatar of Pride was more stressed at this time than the prince had ever seen and that is saying something.

Honestly, Dia was worried his friend was on the verge of popping out another Satan so attending therapy was non-negotiable.

His brothers were so weirded out by this turn of events. I mean, Lucifer? Talking about his feelings? To a complete stranger??? In what realm could this actually work out?

The pride demon spent most of the first couple sessions in silence; he told Lord Diavolo that he would attend such meetings, not that he would truly participate in such unnecessary--

Ok, this demon was good. Too good. The therapist had somehow tricked him into talking about some basic stressors. Nothing from the core of the oldest's pain, but some surface level things like dealing with piles of paperwork taller than himself and his brothers' usual hijinks.

Lucifer found himself looking forward to the weekly sessions, but would adamantly deny it if anyone asked.

Diavolo could tell that it was doing his friend some good though and for that, he was grateful.

I don't know if Lucifer would ever talk about anything important to the therapist and if he did, it would probably take decades a least to bring up topics like his Father and Lilith.

Still, therapy ended up being a good experience for this pride demon.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Seeing his brothers as grown ass men who need to make their own mistakes in order to learn.

This is something the pride demon struggles with. Sometimes, he has no issue letting his brothers handle their own issues; others, he hovers over them and lectures them profusely like a concerned and angry mother.

Realizes that, on some level, he doesn't actually want his brothers growing up. He's been raising them since he himself was a child after all so for them to grow up and not need him anymore...what would he do then? His life has been surrounded around them all this time. A life where they don't need him...it sounds empty and not a life he'd know how to live.

Mammon:

Was dragged there by Lucifer, who was honestly done with him after the 1200th time he tried to steal from the castle.

That was the surface reason anyway, the 'straw that broke the camel's back' so to speak

But the older brother had been thinking about sending the second brother there for a while now.

Behavioral issues aside, Lucifer knows his brother suffers from some self esteem issues and wants him to address them.

Mammon complained and treated it like a pain, but in truth, he had been thinking about going for a while, but was too embarrassed and didn't want his younger brothers giving him crap for it.

When he went to his first session, the greed demon was awkward as all hell

But his therapist really had a way of making him comfortable.

Unlike his older brother, there really wasn't a lot that was off the table for him to talk about, though the deeper topics took some cajoling from the professional.

He talked about a variety of things, from the crap he gets from his brothers and their 'scummy' comments, Lilith, memories from the Celestial realm...

Lucifer himself.

Main issue he works on in therapy: his relationship with his older brother.

As much as he cared about Lilith, this man never fought in the Celestial War for her; he fought for Lucifer. There is nothing his brother could do that he himself wouldn't jump in and help him with.

Mammon fucks up a lot and while some of those fuck ups are genuine...

Some are on purpose. For Lucifer.

I think Mammon is the only brother who truly understands the oldest and to a level that even Lucifer might not fully be aware of.

He knows, or maybe just senses, his older brother's need to be needed and gets in trouble so Lucifer will have to punish him, have to feel like Mammon still needs direction in life.

Not only that but...the second brother has come to realize just how much he needs his big brother's attention, even when it's negative.

When you boil it all down, Mammon and Lucifer's relationship has never really been that healthy.

The two depend on each other more than they are willing to admit and a lot of it isn't in a healthy way.

This was an incredibly painful realization for this man, but an important one

And one he still isn't sure if he wants to change.

Leviathan:

One of the brothers whose asses got put in therapy as soon as the practice became stable enough to be safe in the Devildom.

Agoraphophic, socially anxious, extremely low self esteem? This man needs it.

Fortunately, he was allowed to attend therapy virtually in the beginning.

He was still pretty quiet during the first session, but managed to open up a bit towards the end and had an easier time as he attended more sessions.

Levi grew to really like going to therapy because his therapist would let him talk about the things he enjoyed; he wasn't just restricted to talking about the bad and that made him feel really comfortable with the other demon.

He could start by talking about TSL and Ruri-chan before sliding into topics like his insecurities and things his brothers do on a regular day that make him feel bad about himself.

He talked about The Fall and the life he lived before it; what he missed, what he hated, what he desperately wished he had back...

And came to the conclusion that he didn't so much miss or even care about the Celestial realm. It was nothing more than a controlling, hypocritical place after all.

What he did miss was his childhood, where being his awkward, silly self was encouraged instead of judged.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Loving himself despite whatever other think or however he perceives their opinion of him to be.

Leviathan is great how he is and the main person who needs to understand that is himself.

Satan:

Oh boy, this man was difficult to drag there 😅

Anything Satan thinks might insinuate that he is 'broken' is too big of an insult to tolerate.

It took some real encouragements and long talks with MC to even humor the idea of going

But he did, eventually.

Was very adamant about not speaking to the therapist during the first session, but his anger got the better of him and he said a lot, some actually being productive and not just name calling and threats slewed at the poor therapist.

Another brother whose first sessions were online, though more so for the therapist's safety than Satan's own comfort.

Eventually, Satan realized the sessions were actually beneficial for him and liked how much lighter they made him feel

So the threats towards the other demon diminished and the sessions became calmer.

Occasionally he would snap at the poor therapist again and would actually feel bad about

But the therapist would forgive him because look! Progress!

Avoids talking about Lucifer for the longest time, but eventually brings up his issues about his...father with the other demon.

His existential issues and his feelings about his father where all twisted together, making him so very sensitive about it all.

By being born the way he was, Satan was brought into this world as a complete mess. Emotions so strong that even a grown man couldn't deal with suddenly forced upon a small and helpless babe.

Satan grew up tortured by anger and pain that wasn't even his and it formed him into the man he was today; it wasn't fair, but he grew to accept that Lucifer truly didn't do it on purpose

But those thoughts just led to him feeling unwanted, a burden thrusted upon Lucifer and his brothers that they had to deal with.

That only made the blonde even more compelled to find himself an identity outside of Lucifer, outside of being the a life who was forced from his body with all of the former trauma he carried.

Just who was he? For years, he collected knowledge and hoped it'd bring him purpose, bring him respect from others and be seen as his own person, but it never made him feel more complete.

He still didn't understand most emotions that he wasn't born with, even when they overwhelmed him.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Understanding his emotions, both what he's feeling and why, and also becoming more comfortable with himself.

Asmodeus:

Told his brothers he was going to therapy to keep himself "just as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside"

But in truth, he started going because he wanted to be a good influence on his brothers and show them that therapy really isn't all that scary and it could help them too.

In truth, Asmo didn't realize just how vulnerable it would make him feel though.

When he got too uncomfortable, he'd change the topic or try flirting with them to distract them, but his therapist always kept him on track.

He spoke a lot about the Celestial realm, all of the great times that he had there, but grew to understand that it wasn't truly the place he missed, but the time.

After all, it was a lot easier to keep smiles on his on his siblings' faces back when they were all kids and Asmo himself was the Jewel of the Heavens.

Since moving to the Devildom and losing Lilith...it's become so much harder to make his brothers happy and even he himself has to force himself to be positive for their sakes.

That's always been his job, raising his brothers' spirits and he took it just as seriously as Lucifer took his job of protecting them and Mammon and Beel took supporting Lucifer.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Learning that its okay to not be okay sometimes, both in regards to himself and his brothers, and that he's not responsible for his brothers' emotional states.

Sometimes people just need to be sad and that's okay! No one can be happy all the time and if his brothers are going through a tough time, he can support them without taking responsiblity for the rough time they're in.

Beelzebub:

Joined a couple days after Asmo did; he understood his other man's message and signed up for therapy himself in order to be a good influence on their other brothers.

Their family was a mess; Beel knew this all too well.

If going to therapy and talking about the mess from his perspective could help his brothers in any way, especially with encouraging Belphie to do the same, then this man will go with no hesitation.

This demon is naturally the quiet sort so it's a bit difficult to truly start the process despite his willingness, but he eventually gets into the flow of all of it.

Mostly talks about The Fall, how he lost his sister and the guilt he feels towards both her and Belphie.

Sometimes he wonders if he made the right choice in saving Belphie despite knowing he never truly made one; when he saw what that Celestial archer was about to do and Belphie's eyes met his own...he just ran to his brother without thinking, causing the archer to choose to shoot Lilith instead.

That moment changed everything for his family and so much suffering followed...

He's grateful that event led to MC's eventual birth, but the guilt he carries from pain he caused his brothers is immeasurable.

If only he could have saved both, if only MC could have still been born if he did...

There was so much he wished.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Trying not to carry the past with him every second of the present. Though tragic, the past is the past and he has so many reasons to be happy in the present.

It will take a long time working on this issue to make some good progress with it, but what matters is that he is trying just like he hopes his other brothers will.

Belphegor:

Another brother who was forced into therapy by Lucifer.

This man has been extremely depressed in the most obvious way possible for centuries so of course he needs therapy.

Really, really fought it to the point where he was escaping the therapy sessions out the bathroom window and Lucifer would have to track him down at a shop or sleeping on bench in a random park.

It made things easier when Beel started to go therapy though. Seeing Beel take the time to work on his issues made the younger twin feel like he should be trying too...

But he still didn't like it.

He was very, very slow in opening up. Like, I'm talking months of just talking about trivial shit till finally he grew more comfortable to truly speak his mind about what he's gone through.

His survivor's guilt was strong and he truly believes he shouldn't be alive, not when his little sister was gone...

Therapy really cut open some old wounds and for awhile, it seemed like this man was more depressed than ever.

Slowly though, he became stronger from it all and the past started to hurt just a little less.

He loved Lilith with every ounce of his being, but carrying this guilt was not going to bring her back nor would she have wanted him to feel guilty.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Letting the dead rest and himself truly rest as well. Yes, Lilith is gone, but she lived a happy life as a human with the person she loved. His loss was her gain and if you have to lose at all, isn't this the best scenario? That someone you love was happy and free and had their dreams come true?

This issue might take a demonic lifetime to work through, but little bits of progress are made every day and his brothers grow to see that in him

And for now, that's enough.

Diavolo:

Attending therapy was something stuck on this prince's mind for some time now.

It stayed that was for a long time without even speaking it aloud.

Eventually, he did bring it up to Barbatos and his friend heard him out so patiently.

Barb has always sought to be a comfort to the prince, but recognized that he was not a professional so there was very little he could do in the long term for him.

The butler told him that therapy sounds like a good idea and that believes Dia could get a lot out of it.

Though Diavolo is usually a pretty expressive guy, that really didn't extend to strangers who he was paying to listen to him.

He went slow with the therapist, first only speaking about his workload and how almost every moment of his life was planned out for him because of said workload

Then it lead to his father's deep slumber, the very cause of all the responsibility that was dropped on him

And eventually led to him talking about the strict childhood that his father gave him and how he grew up without his mother

And just how incredibly lonely he has always been.

The arrival of Lucifer definitely helped with that last part, but the prince still wished he wasn't so sheltered and alone while growing up.

Main issue he works on in therapy: time management and how to make the most out of the present.

There was so much of life he missed out on when he was younger, but it didn't have to be like that forever.

With the help of both his therapist and Barb, he was able to manage his time a lot better and make the most of his time off by trying new experiences.

It was easier to handle his past when his present became so much more fulfilling.

Barbatos:

Only really went at Diavolo's request.

In truth, the butler felt that therapy was unnecessary for himself, but wanted to give the prince some peace of mine so he agreed.

His opinion of therapy doesn't change no matter how long he goes.

He starts going once a week at Diavolo's insistence

And mostly talks about the stress he feels with looking out for the man.

He looks young so even other demons assume he is either about Diavolo's age or younger.

In truth, he is older than the prince and has been looking out for him since Dia was a small child.

Barbatos has essentially filled the roll of second parent since Dia's mother died in childbirth.

Though a butler, his role used to be more of a nanny; he cared greatly for the man who was currently drowning in the responsiblity and has spent so long just trying to make life easier for him

Resulting in Barbatos neglecting himself over the years for the sake of the prince.

Main issue he works on in therapy: setting some time aside for himself.

Because of his job, Dia will always need Barbatos to some degree

But the prince is also a grown man now and can function as such without Barb being there 24/7

Starts taking one day off a week and attends therapy once a month, something that makes both Barb and Dia feel better.

Solomon:

Honestly, most people don't know he attends therapy and that's how he prefers it.

He never really thought much of therapy, not in regards to himself anyway.

For other people? It was a useful tool. For him? He simply believed he's been around too long for it to help.

I mean, he was literally born in 990 B.C.E.

He was older than even some of the demons he interacted with.

He was unique, but that didn't feel as much of a good thing as he pretended it was.

His existence was a lonely one, but he hid such thoughts away.

He started going to therapy because of Simeon, because of his angel friend's gentle nudges to do so, and eventually he caved.

He went to weekly sessions and was honestly more uncomfortable than he directly expressed to his therapist.

The sorcerer always kept a light smile on his face, even when he talked about the immortality that he never wanted

Because he didn't want it.

In truth, he doesn't really remember much before he became immortal. A side effect the experiment gone wrong, he assumed, because surely he didn't purposely do this to himself.

He vaguely remembers being a king in the Human realm, a job he never wanted but was thrusted upon him buy the angels' Father, who Solomon himself worshipped at the time.

Other than that...his memory of that time is very fuzzy and it's always bothered him.

He just carries around this feeling that...that he's forgetting something important

While also carrying another, even greater feeling, that he doesn't want to know

But at the same time, he does! It's been driving him mad for thousands of years.

It felt like he had lost part of himself when he became immortal and it hurt just as much as the pain he felt from loosing others in his life from time.

Main issue he talks about in therapy: Stressing himself out about the past won't help him now or in the future. Yes, his life is long and he is tired, but the best way to cope is by seeking new experiences that make life worth living

Which he tries hard at...but can't help the tug at his brain that seems to want him to remember the past

And whoever 'Naamah' was.

Simeon:

Decided to go after convincing Soli to do so.

Simeon as his own problems, same as his human friend, and worried he might be perceived as a hippocrite if he didn't try to work on his own as well.

Very much wanted to be seen as a person who takes his own advice, so to speak

But therapy wasn't an easy thing for him.

I mean, he's an angel. It's his job to help others, guide them into making safe and healthy choices for themselves

So to be the one being helped instead of the helper was really new to him and felt very unangelic of him.

Main issue he talked about: growing so attached to the Devildom.

I mean, this place was as different from the Celestial realm as anything could be and he was taught that it was such a bad place because of it

But that didn't match his own experience here and that caused him to feel so conflicted.

The Devildom was a place of freedom while the Celestial realm was a place of order

And though, like most angels, he found comfort in that order, he also saw beauty in the chaos of the Devildom

Simeon has to grow to understand that life isn't in black and white, that things don't have to be only one or the other.

Both the Devildom and the Celestial realm can be good places despite being opposites

And it's a lesson he was so grateful for learning, feeling like he was really helping himself grow as a person and as an angel too.

Luke:

After being in the Devildom for a while, the small angel had become more quiet, distracted even

And it worried his guardian, especially when the child wouldn't talk about it with him.

Simeon eventually enrolled Luke in therapy, something that was so new to the child that his curiosity made him open to trying it.

Since he was still just a child, his sessions weren't the same as it was for the men on this list.

Instead, Luke was brought into a room full of different toys and told he could play with whatever he wanted as long as he answered the therapist's questions as he did so.

The angel was a bit apprehensive at first, but so grew to enjoy his visits to the therapist.

He often chose to make fake sweets out of play dough or draw while the therapist talked to him

And would often bring the drawings home to PH as gifts for Simeon and Solomon.

Simeon always hung the pictures on the fridge with a proud smile on his face

While Soli would hang them up in his room on the wall to the point where he was taking down the expensive paintings that came with the room in favor of giving the child more space to fill with his art.

Main issue he talked about: growing to like the demons around him while also worrying Michael won't like him anymore if he knew Lukey was friends with them.

The child tried so hard to keep to the belief that demons are bad just like Michael taught him. He really, really tried

But he had a lot of fun here in the Devildom, especially baking with Barbatos, who the small angel started to see as his best friend, but was too scared to admit it.

Would Michael not like him if he found out Luke is friends with the demon butler?

His therapist ends up helping him see that it's always good to make friends and often the bad reactions we think those around us would give about something is often just our brain scaring us.

Ends up talking about this Simeon when he gets home after this session.

The older angel held him close and told him that the therapist is right, that it's always good to make friends and that he has nothing to worry about.

The next time he bakes with Barbatos, he tells the demon how he feels, how he sees him as his very best friend and how he looks up to him.

Barb smiled at the child and patted his head, telling Luke that he sees him as a good friend as well

And the child spent the rest of the baking session blushing and hanging off the older man.

[blackfeathersflurry]

{From the 00€}

A special note for you all

-rules included-

00€: First and foremost, I truly appreciate those of you who have come across this blog and viewed its contents. It means a great deal and I hope to see it get larger as time goes on. Second, the lot of you are absolutely wonderful. I am grateful for all of the attention and flow that I have gotten. I didn't think it would get this much traction. And while this is an ask blog, as well as a letters blog, I would like you to know what is in the fray. Take it away, Seph!

A chosen theme for every month. (00€: Won't tell you what it is until you see it.)

A set goal to increase the flow, challenges and themes for @blackfeathersflurry .

@feathersflurry has officially begun posting the series Fractal for your entertainment. This includes the story of how I came to be, MUW's story and so much more. Please understand that it is a light read, though it is intended for older audiences, and is not for minors. A chapter list will be available soon.

Once again everyone, thank you all for your support. I know it's not much. But a small amount can still make a huge difference. Hmm...Anything to add, Seph?

Sephiroth: I think I'm being written far too out of character. However this blog takes place a good while after the events of Advent Children.

00€: Exactly! And it's an AU. Soooo, we are taking a bit of a different direction with this. Basically acknowledging that you were a decent dude forced into some bad circumstances and that your psychotic break did some...a lot of damage. And that sum-a-lot of damage needs atonement. With a sprinkle of intensive therapy.

Sephiroth:

Sephiroth: Just get to the rules.

00€: YOOOOU GOT IT! TAKE IT AWAY, MUW!!!

[MUW's Declassified Sephiroth Survival Guide]

For the sake of traffic, we ask that you do not spam the blog. This keeps things fair for other users and allows others to have a chance to get their asks answered in a timely fashion.

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00€: Thank you for your time everyone!

[thecataclysmic6]

Hello! I was wondering if you had any tips on how to help heal a persecutor (I know this word holds a lot of stigma, but I don't know of any others). We have one in our system I'm hoping to help as they hold a lot of pain from our trauma. Do you have any tips on approaches?

-🖤

Hi! I do have a few tips as we've been working very hard to help our persecutors along their healing journey.

The biggest thing is that this will take time and a whole lot of patience. Progress isn't linear and takes time to get to the place they want to be.

Reminder before I start the list is that every persecutor will be different. Always practice safety no matter what, and if you think your system could benefit from a therapeutic relationship, then please seek it out.

Build some sense of trust. It can be very hard to heal when it feels as if someone doesn't trust you to try. You can't force trust, but building it over time can help.

Provide a space where they can express their emotions safely. Alot of times supressing strong emotions can be overwhelming. This can be a physical place or something like a journal/sketchbook. Let them know that this is something they can have to themselves if they wish or something they can share.

Try and listen to them when they express their emotions. Their emotions should be respected.

An exercise I really like is practicing using "I statements." Things like replacing "You never listen to me" with "I wish you would listen to what I have to say."

Reassure them that they are safe. The lingering effects of trauma can leave people in a state of hypervigilance. Give them a safe environment and remind them that they are safe there.

Find healthy coping mechanisms that work for them. If they have unhealthy coping mechanisms, encourage them to trade those for healthier habits. Don't punish them for falling back on old habits, encourage them to use healthy ones. There are lists and lists of these depending on the context/emotions.

Try therapy exercises with them. Therapist Aid has alot of free exercises that we've used in the past. (note: you can use other websites of course and some exercises may need to be adjusted)

Something we've been trying recently is working on something collaboratively as a system. This can be a drawing or a blog or a journal. Something every alter has the opportunity to do and can see what the others have contributed. (We personally use a minecraft world, so feel free to get creative.)

If something doesn't work, don't force it. Like I said this will take alot of time an patience.

All of this will depend on what your alter needs and is feeling. Some persecutors need space and privacy, while others need very hands on comfort. Practicing communication and understanding will be helpful for all parties involved.

I wish you and your system the best of luck! And as always, if someone has any tips that they've discovered, please add on!

[demons-and-more-yall]

Someone wanted an explanation, so here it goes. (Please read the whole thing before commenting 🙏)

!!Sexual talk/mentions!!

Yes, Asmo is very sexual there's no doubt about that. Due to all the attention he gets and his sin, it makes perfect sense that he's the way he is. But he can still be very sexual, and acesexual. How?

Easy.

He's hypersexual.

No I'm not just slapping a term onto him, I genuinely see it.

Hypersexual literally causes unwanted or excessive sexual arousal, making people to engage in or think about sexual things to a point of distress or impairment. It effects people's health, job, relationships and other parts of their life. It also involves different kinds of common sexual experiences like m*sturbat!on, multiple sexual partners, use of 🌽-ography or paying for s*x. However when these sexual behaviors become a major, constant focus in your life, are difficult to control, and cause problems in your life and are harmful to you or others, that is in fact Hypersexuality.

Asmo is literally ALL OF THESE. He's constantly thinking, doing, or engaging in sexual things. He makes remarks around or even ABOUT family (ew) or in serious or professional environments, constantly goes out to clubs to hook up, and has hugely sexualized himself. He does it ALOT. He's known for it.

But that's the thing about being hypersexual. You can't CONTROL it. At least not without therapy. This fact makes sense, especially when you remember his brothers also have uncontrollable issues, related to their sins ofc. However unlike the others, who seem to hate the effect their sins have on them, Asmo EMBRACES it. I'm fact, for a long time I believe he didn't even see a problem with it. Everyone around him either encouraged it or disregard/ignored it, so I wouldn't be surprised if he just never really gave it to much thought. He'd need a third party or outside perspective for him to really stop and really think about it.

And guess who's the perfect third party...MC!!

I genuinely believe that MC does help the others manage their sins and their sin related issues in due time, and Asmo is no exception. They offer the perspective, that needed input he'd need to really address his issues. Or at least notice them. That and it's literally stated in cannon that he really just wants genuine love from someone. He wants someone to love him for him, not just for what he can do or give. He wants someone to love him for more then his body.

Aceseuxality is a spectrum, and while it might not be the best term to use now that I think about it, I genuinely think that once he gets the genuine love and attention he's been wanting for so long, suddenly those sexual actions or impulses don't seem as "fun". He has constant love now, he doesn't need to seek it out through other means anymore. Yet he is still dealing with those strong impulses and thoughts, even when he doesn't want them.

That's my point! He's used sex as a way to get attention, love and intimacy for a long time. It was always a means to an end. After the fall, he lost a lot of affection/attention after being the literal jewel of the heavens. Sure it technically FELT good, it's physical stimulation so he technically did get physical aroused, but he didn't... Really want it for any other reason then he just wanted that affection/attention. He's never wanted sex just because he wanted sex. He wanted it because to him, it was the only form of love he could get, at least for a long time.

Of course his sin will still impact him, and yes he will still be sexual in a sense due to it, but I don't think he'd actually act out those things anymore. He definitely would have healed from it a bit but it's still a struggle for him at times, especially with his sin (and the fact they all clearly never got therapy). For once in his life, he doesn't have to.

Of course take this with a grain a salt. It's obviously a HC, and also I'm still only on the first game. If nobody else agrees or likes this then that's perfectly fine, just please don't actually harras me about it. I was actually really nervous to make the original post so please just be nice if you wanna make a opinion on this. I'd really appreciate it. (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠)

Say you HC Belphie as Aro-Ace and nobody bats an eye.

Say you HC Asmo as Asexual and the community goes wild.

[cursedcola]

Can I request an imagine of the dorm leaders chap 1-4 going to therapy after their overblot? How would they react to it and what problems would they work through? Someone help these boys :’)

Prompt: Dorm leaders go to therapy post-overblot Characters: Riddle Rosehearts, Leona Kingscholar, Azul Ahsengrotto, and Kalim Al' Asim (ft. Special Guest) Warnings: Mentioning of emotional distress and disorders DISLCAIMER: This is not serious what-so-ever. This prompt will be taken in a light-hearted context for simple headcannons. I do not claim to have any professional knowledge of anything within this post.

Premise:

Dire Crowley does not want the reputation of NRC to fall because of a few "mishaps," popping up as of late. Rather than hiring a professional School Psychologist, he decides to call upon a ghost therapist to haunt one of the back rooms in Ramshackle Hall. Any student involved in recent, "mishaps," are "encouraged," to go seek counseling.

Oh, no. Not you MC. You're fine just as you are. Please tend to the "guests," in your home when they are on the premises. Since NRC's therapist is a ghost, they will need an assistant with posable thumbs to do the heavy lifting. Remember that you are staying in Ramshackle FOR FREE at the KIND GRACE of your beloved headmaster, yes?

One other thing. Be sure to share all the gossip with NRC staff when you're through. Have Fun ~

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Riddle Rosehearts

Mommy Issues

Man has identity issues like no other. He's pulling traits from textbook definitions and does not think for himself

He goes into therapy thinking that he knows exactly what answers to give. Definitely the one to think that he is out-smarting all the "mind games" being thrown his way

He goes because it's "recommended," but is peeved that its a ghost. NRC is that cheap, really?

Gets told to go to anger management. Becomes angry at the suggestion. Cycle continues.

In all seriousness though, he definetly benefits from having an impartial person to talk with. "Dead Men Tell No Tales," like who is the ghost going to gossip to? They're bound to the dorm?

Nevermind assistant MC pssshh they're totally not listening in

More than being upset at his overblot, Riddle is thankful for it. It threw him on his ass for a wake-up call, and is now working towards becoming his own person

Kind of funny how his mother acted all superior in her child-rearing, when she completely ignored his mental state. Yeah. He isn't moving back in after graduation.

Leona Kingscholar

He has to be physically forced into therapy. I.E Crowley makes you trick him

He did not trust you much before, but now? Run. Lock the door. Take his magestone and DO NOT let him out of that room

Best listen through the door on this one because he can and will kill you

Anyways. Inferiority complex, anxiety, emotional neglect, stress - plenty to unpack for this one. It's a good thing that the therapist is a ghost, because Leona would have harasses the door key from them somehow

Funny enough, he talks plenty when mad. All the therapist has to do is edge him on and he's raving up a storm.

I don't need stupid therapy...this is all his fault... overblot? Someone say anythin'? why should I care then? Not like I have anything to be ashamed about

Very open-book, just in-directly

In all honesty? Leona's likely not going to get much out of the session. He'll be more willing to come back if it's mandatory since he has a feel for what it's like. I think he has a good sense of what's hurting him after his overblot, and it's not something a third party can fix. He needs to duke it out with his brother back at home.

Azul Ashengrotto

If you thought Riddle was bad, then Azul's cockiness is horrifying. He is seriously trying to act like he can outsmart a therapist with a lifetime of experience. All because he read a few Psychology 101 books.

He was told about the requirement the night prior to his appointment. Why? So he couldn't try to make a contract with the therapist. Also so he couldn't do any research.

Oh yeah. He tries that. The contract thing. It's not even five minutes into the session and he's attempting to swindle the secrets of other patients. After all, the ghost is dead, so private policy who???

Fails

It is actually painful to hear him conjure up a fake life-story. Did he think that Crowley sent the ghost in blind? He did. You filled them in. Azul really needs to take this seriously.

Which is why he is told to come back. Twice a week. Oh, you have a restaurant to run? You want to be expelled? Better show up.

He is the hardest nut to crack and the anxiety this boy holds is so intense-

Ghost therapist makes you go buy a heating pad. He's always got such tense shoulders

Overall, he benefits from the therapy. Ghost therapist has him doing self-affirmations and journaling every day.

They also work on his relationship with food. It's good that he wants to be healthy, but on terms of self-image there is a lot to be done. Azul needs to learn that enemies die quicker when you have thicccc thighs (tentacles) to demolish them with.

^ can be taken in many ways. It's up to you if MC decides to add on their own little affirmation hehe

Kalim Al' Asim

Couple's therapy

The session is more for Jamil, but Kalim has his place. Ghost Therapist is honestly shocked at how well Kalim has reacted to recent events

In short, identity issues again. There are sessions dedicated to Jamil, some for Kalim, and others where Ghost Therapist leads a conversation between the two

Well, for as long as Kalim sits still. He's listening, but gets side tracked so many times.

Jamil and Kalim definitely argue about MC being there. Jamil wants you out, and Kalim is all "do you just...not remember what you put them through? Not cool,"

On that day it was therapy for three

I want to believe that Ghost Therapist touches on Kalim's choice of only eating Jamil's food. Yes, he trust Jamil but that is a lot of pressure on one person. Youa re expecting them to make all of your food, being entirely dependent, etc

As for Jamil, they definitely go into his feelings towards his lineage. Jamil knows who he is, but he can't be that person with those familial blockades.

Yup. Couple's therapy. Hands down.

These two are the most compliant. It took some convincing, but the overblot incident has put strong tensions on both students' relationship with the school. They are not stupid. If it's mandatory then it is mandatory.

[chronic-claire-universe]

HI CLAIRE!!! I AM COMING BACK AGAIN TO JOIN THE MATCH UP 😩 I hope you don't mind!

CONGRATS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL CLAIRE!!! I hope Ran always come to your dreams every single night 😌💖 We should discussing our fantasy about him again soon 😌

And here is me! (I edited this so I can give you a complete description about me)

I'm 8w9 INTP sp/sx sun: Leo moon: gemini, my height is 153cm and I have a petite body. Mentally ill? Yes, I am bipolar and having anorexia (more like relapsing again after surgery). When I am at my manic episode, I almost kill my family at the car-crash because I got too irritated that I pulled my sister's hair while she was driving—luckily she's a good driver or I am gonna be in jail rn 😩 When I was a kid, I used to get into some fights with boys (I won ofc) but since my father died, I tried not to get into fight ( I don't want to deal with my mother's dramatic and victim-mentality ass ) and I (gladly) never fight again after that 😌 That's why I really good at sport ( as a female I always got the highest point—even when compared to the male, I still on the top 5 on sport ) I really good on art ngl that's the reason I am at uni rn because I got scholarship (I won several art competition)! Also, I did english debate competition back then, but we were this 🤏 close to get into semi-final but bruh we defeated by 0.20 point! 🥲 I can do all those things by self-taught!

When I feel sad or miserable, I punish myself by starving myself lmao. Or I will usually get quiet and cut people around me. 

My social skills? Fine I think. I weirdly get along with a lot of people (everyone kinda knows me) but I never talk to them first. Even though I have a lot of friends, I only have one close friend ( tragic right:") )

My personality is rude—blunt in the rude way(?), I do whatever I want to because I seek freedom of expression, LOVE debating about certain issues, and surprisingly I'm quite a wise person. But, I have no jam. Right, I couldn't make any jokes since I usually use the wrong tone in my voice :( I prefer to keep my joke inside my imagination or write it down somewhere. I always try to dominate my man, but I want my man to dominate me too ( do you get what I mean here? 😭 ) I love to be alone too. I HATE loud voices, reptiles, and crowds. I'm not the type of person who easily shows my love to anyone. I think because I have a really high pride *sigh. I felt like my kin actually is Rindou Haitani. But when I took the quiz I got Kazutora, Getou, Mori, Eren, and Dio Brando (that's the funny one)

I'm working as a graphic designer. Which somehow makes me currently don't have any interest. But I love listening to music (pop-rock and r&b ) . I love watching wwe/mma and hate romance anime/movies.

I'd like JJK and Haikyuu match up, please🥺  NSFW and I want male!

—Sorry for long ask :(

Hey my sweet plum, I read your request thousand times, let me say that I got worried and a bit sad hearing what you had to face in your life. I hope your mental health, despite your bipolarism, it isn't too messed up, lot of genius such as Michelangelo suffered bipolar disorder and see what he was capable to create! Ran woke me up this weekend, he wanted company 😁

Anyway, here your escort for my birthday party:

Jujutsu Kaisen - Megumi Fushiguro

Babe it was him or Nanamin, I opted that Megumi could be better since he has more patience than Nanami for your bratty attitude.

Megumi has the sharp mind to get through your facade, to understand your struggles and cope without problems with your rythm.

When you're manic episodes appear, he knows how to support every idea you get, even the strangest one. The first times he was worried to see you this active and in the mood to do things but now he got used to it.

Talking about these episodes, he enjoys when you're in the mood to debate with him or others.

He often suggest to watch some educative documentaries or biopic movies especially the ones that involves human rights. You get in a fiery mood when you watch it and try to explain why the things that the characthers had to endure are atrocious and illegally and how we should fight to eradicate them from the society.

Going to the other facade of the your personality, the depressive episodes are quite difficult to handle, you stay a lot in bed, you don't want to do anything.

He always brings you a cup of tea and cuddles you for hour, sometimes he gives you a paper to let you draw.

He hates when he needs to get you up for work, he knows you struggle and sometimes even cry but in the end when you get a grip you feel a little bit better.

In these cases, he brings you out for a jog or just a walk with his divine dogs or the little bunnies ready to pet.

Overall Megumi has a lot of patience with you but he's repaid when he sees the portrait and the things you cook for him, the struggle worths the prize in the end!

Haikyuu - Daichi Sawamura

I decided you definitely need a calm but strict man in your life and Daichi is perfect for this!

In Haikyuu universe you definitely play in the female team and you met Daichi during a combined training! You're a middle blocker in your team and you can't get me think otherwise!

You are strong and Daichi is astonished to see this, but when Nekoma came for the second time in Miyagi and Kuroo got on you, to give you some advices for a better tecnique, that's where Daichi got really jealous! He saw you for first and he definitely doesn't want, that roosterhead to hit on you!

"Marv go out with me!" it wasn't a question, it was a statement "I guess asking isn't in your knowledge, but Daichi there are proper times when to ask me out. Not when I'm sweaty and in a middle of a training!" you say with sharp eyes, Kuroo laughed at your bluntness and went away, but Daichi reply "Yep, sorry I got carried away and I felt to say it know" you smirk and say "Jelous are we? Ne Daichi don't blush!".

Your relationship is pretty natural, your dates consist in training and homemade dinner

You're pretty active and energetic in Daichi's mind, that's why when you went in one of your depressive episodes he got really worried.

As Megumi he took a lot of care of you, but the difference is that he prefers that you recover from yourself, also, if you have a therapy it's really difficult for you to take it in these moments and he obliges you to eat something and help you bring down the pill.

Normally you would hate these moments, but Daichi knows really well how to handle them, comfort foods such as pizza, tacos, ice cream, sushi are there for you to help you improve your mood and somehow it helps.

When you get a bit better, you can't go out training but you definitely draw or play sports with the Wii at home, this is definitely quality time for him.

Overall it could sound strange but Daichi doesn't hate these episodes, because he can see that you can do chores or just have fun, and this is definitely a proof of strenght for him!

He definitely loves Marv the warrior girl!

I finished! Babe hope this wasn't too sad for you, but I figured out that seeing you needed fluff and comfort, thanks for opening up and join the event, if you want to help me with a little gift here this is my Ko-Fi!

[batmanlovesnirvana]

@queenwille I love how you latch onto one specific thing I said and make it your entire post. You still haven't answered the several questions I asked, complete with photos. Are their lives cheaper? Yes or no? Please, let the class know if killing more than 150 people (and still counting) is worth saving four.

“Your posts really hurt my eyes with all the colors and such” is this your answer after I literally showed you children human corpses you sick individual ???

"It was a delivery truck." Oh, how enlightening. Still is a fcking delivery truck. The Israeli army literally infiltrated the Nuseirat camp in a disguised humanitarian truck, or like you want to specify a delivery truck…There is no mistake, the Israeli army methodically exterminates the Palestinians. The ICC prosecutor is right to request an arrest warrant for extermination. So, nice try, but your argument is squeaky clean nonsense and as empty as your empathy.

The thing is, THEY STILL KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE LIKE HELLO ??? CIVILIANS ??? BABIES ???? CHILDREN ??? MOTHERS ???? FATHERSS ??? TO “rescue” 4 PEOPLE ? And y’all are supposed to be the most moral army in the word ?

Oh but yeah I forgot, you don’t give a single crap about them since they’re not Israelis.

You claim to be a leftist, yet you deny the r@pe committed against Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank. I guess the reports, voices, and testimonies of women in Gaza, the West Bank, and numerous human rights organizations don't measure up for you.

This clearly proves that you value more the life of an Israeli than the life of a Palestinian one.

And I certainly know better than a literal colonial country, thank you very much—especially one killing my own people.

"The Israeli security forces have a whole unit to defend Palestinians." This is so dystopic. Those "security forces" do nothing when called, but watch and even laugh with settlers wielding AK-47s, burning olive trees, and stealing more land for settlements. I've literally seen it with my own eyes. You must be delusional if you think the IDF or those so-called security forces will do anything to defend Palestinians in the West Bank. If anything, the situation has become worse since October 7th.

Whats the difference between a hostage and a child being taking to “prison” for months without parole just because he threw a rock at a settler, being tortured and badly treated ? Do you even know what kind of torture are those children and innocents subjected to in those “prisons” ? Did you know that even dead bodies (who die in those camps) have to finish their time in prison and the family are not allowed to receive the body until then ? Probably not. In Israel, Palestinian imprisonment continue even after death.

The thing is you don’t care and think that this whole thing started on October 7th.

This and, defending the other guy (OutlandLoud? Whatever their name is) who is clearly racist as hell ? But hey, not surprising at all, right?

"Simply four strangers having fun at a party." Sure, it's great and I'm happy they're "home." But AT WHAT COST? Especially when I see one of the hostages literally hugging Netanyahu?

Look, I don’t even wanna argue anymore. You simply and clearly don’t care about human life. It’s the sad truth.

Like Mr. Yefet has stated : “we are at such a low point that even when we do something good, it involves a crime.”

@queenwille Every colonizer see themselves with Israel. Every colonized sees themselves with Palestine.

This is gen0cide. And you and whoever supported Israel now, will be held accountable for it.

I truly hope that every Palestinian death will forever haunt you.

AGAIN, Go seek some therapy.

you can really know someone knows nothing about israeli culture when they claim IDF soldiers rape women in gaz

don’t make me explain to you why

[fleckcmscott]

Another Decade

Summary: Arthur discovers Y/N's fortieth is just around the corner. He hopes to get the occasion right.

Warnings: Swearing

Words: 5,044

A/N: This request comes from @hhandley80​, who is an absolute sweetheart! Funnily enough, I got the request for this story and Another Year within a couple days of each other. Thank you so much for it! It was great to write.

If you have any thoughts or questions, please comment, feel free to message me, or send me an ask. Requests for Arthur and WWH are open! 

This morning's therapy appointment had boosted Arthur's spirit. Left him refreshed instead of worn. Dr. Ludlow had given him a break from discussing his negative thoughts and various neuroses. Rather, she'd asked him what he wanted to talk about. What was foremost on his mind. And he'd spent close to the entire hour diving into what it was like to live with Y/N.

Having a person who cared about him was fulfilling. Beautiful. Challenging. Struggles inevitably happened but she attempted to help him through them. (A stark difference from when he’d been on his own.) The faith she'd placed in him by inviting him into her home was exciting.

Fears he'd never be worthy of that trust or such a good, intelligent woman did tend to eat at him. Especially when he couldn’t sleep or suspected he was slipping. But he was trying. Doing his best to learn every day, every hour, every minute. To alter his view of himself to include intimate partner alongside mentally ill loner. “I- I thought it would fix me,” he’d said. “It’s hard. But I don’t feel so bad all the time anymore.”

The doctor had complimented his resolve. Said he was dealing with all the changes as well as could be expected. If he followed his treatment plan, she anticipated he'd continue to do so. Appreciating the recognition, Arthur had wondered how to keep her praises close.

And now here he was. Experiencing the ordinariness of sitting in a diner with his girlfriend. Talking about their respective mornings. Sharing a meal. The crinkle fry he grabbed from the blue-plate special in the center of the table was soggy. The corner of his mouth quirked up as he dunked it in ketchup, a possible punchline coming to mind. If he could just figure out the right-

An inviting caress to the back of his hand brought him back to the present. He hadn't meant to tune out Y/N. With an apologetic grin, he pressed back into the booth's plastic cushions and took another drag off his cigarette.

“I was saying I need to head back to work,” she told him. A smile slowly spread across her face, until it nearly blinded him. “And that I can’t believe we’ve been shacked up for almost two months. I know it’s been an adjustment-“

“A good one,” he interrupted gently, interlocking their fingers.

"I’m proud of you.” The pink on her cheeks was faint. “I wouldn’t have taken the leap with anyone else. I can’t seem to get enough of your company, Mr. Fleck.” With that, she signaled for the waitress, retrieved her wallet from her purse, and got out some cash. Rising, she turned to Arthur. “Get the change for me,” she said, heading towards the back.

Her suede billfold was open on the table, her Gotham City ID card in view. He tentatively picked it up to examine the photo. Her hair was uncharacteristically flat, shorter than it was now. The flash had turned her lovely eyes red, and her lips were agape, as though she was in the middle of a sentence. A giggle escaped him. Frumpy. She was frumpy.

Reading her details, his brow quirked at her full name: “Y/N M/N L/N.” There was a nice rhythm to it, one that would also work with “Fleck,” if they got as far as he daydreamed. Then he saw her date of birth and stilled.

Her fortieth was in less than two weeks: 4/6/1942. April sixth. Shit.

He’d learned so many facts about her: the names of her nephews and niece; which college she’d attended; her favorite bands. She’d told him her birthday was in the spring. How the hell had he neglected to ask her the specific date? Awash with embarrassment, a hiccup left him and he covered his mouth.

The waitress returned with a dubious look, a receipt, and coins. As he counted out the tip, he calculated what he had in his own wallet and checking account. He’d scrimped and saved to cover the electric and water bills (though he knew he’d have to pay them in secret to avoid Y/N’s finding a way to repay him). Could he afford a decent gift, too?

Arm in arm, they walked back to Y/N’s workplace. She chatted about that afternoon’s court process, and he puffed away as if he was going to Hoyt’s office for an impromptu scolding. When they reached the steps in front of her building, she tugged at him until he stepped closer. “You’re so stiff.”

Putting on a half-grin, he leaned into her. “Don’t worry about me.” He stole a chaste kiss, one she tried to turn into more before he backed off. “I’ll see you later.”

When he got home, he didn’t bother to change into his thermal shirt and pajama bottoms. Relaxing wasn’t an option. Stretching and pacing the kitchen, he breathed in and out, in and out. He needed to focus instead of letting himself be thrown off. Like a good partner would.

Plans. He had to make plans. And not the vagaries floating around in his head of what boyfriends were supposed to do. Special ones. Personal ones. Ones that demonstrated the depths of his love for her. This was important. The start of a new decade. And her first birthday with him.

Unable to conjure other options, he grabbed the phone from the wall and dialed Y/N’s office. His leg bounced harder with every ring. He hadn’t yet spoken with Patricia, Y/N’s friend and co-worker. But he’d heard she was nice. Any suggestions she could offer were welcome.

Thank goodness she answered before he lost his nerve. “Shaw and Associates. Patricia speaking.”

“Hi,” he pushed out, fiddling with the phone cord. “Um, this is Arthur. Arthur Fleck. Y/N’s boyfriend?”

A smile lingered in her professional lilt. “It’s nice to talk to you, finally. But she isn’t here. I can take a message.”

“No, I know.” If he hesitated too long, he'd reveal his awkwardness. So he went for it. “Do you know what Y/N’s favorite cake is?” That question commenced a conversation that gradually became easier. Each sentence soothed. Consoled the irritation he’d aimed at himself.

Y/N liked hummingbird cake, a mix of pineapple, banana, and cinnamon. It sounded intricate and expensive. There was a bakery that sold it by the slice, according to Patricia. Y/N hadn’t disclosed what gifts she would fancy, but had said she didn’t need any knick-knacks, mugs, or other such trifles. As for activities, she was uncomplicated. She liked going to the movies and restaurants. Conversations and walks. The mundanity of domestic life, especially since becoming involved with him.

That lovely sentiment caused his eyelids to shut, an ember to glow in his heart. But it only confirmed what he already knew. “I want to make her happy,” he breathed. “I’m new at this.”

“We all were once,” she said, brushing his concerns off. “Arthur, she’ll love anything you do. Because you’re the one doing it.”

The kindness she was extending to him felt surreal. Not yet used to it, he tried to believe it wasn't a trick. He thanked her quietly, for her ideas and for listening to him. But as he was about to hang up, she gave him one last piece of advice. “Wear your button-up with the blue flowers. And your yellow vest.”

Blinking, he frowned. “But those are for work.”

Patricia laughed softly. “Yeah, well. She likes them. What was it she said? ‘They accentuate his sexy waist?’”

A burn rushed across his face and he rubbed his forehead. “...Oh.”

Well, that was a request he could handle.

~~~~~

It seemed as though newspaper adverts, television commercials, and even the damned billboards plastered around Gotham had an ax to grind. They all declared the same thing. Women needed to “mold their faces back to youth!” “Guard against aging skin!” Learn they could “look young again!” To be someone other than themselves.

Rolling her eyes, Y/N dropped the magazine she’d been reading in the trash can next to her desk. She’d be crossing into the “Fatal Forties” in a week. While she did use lotion before bed to prevent the formation of wrinkles, and the prospect of gray hair wasn’t one she relished, turning the big 4-0 bothered her less than she’d anticipated. Her looks were minor concerns compared to what she’d gained over the years.

The hardships she’d endured had mostly strengthened her. Allowed her, mercifully, to grow into a person who was comfortable with herself. It was said women were supposed to be set in their ways by now. And in many respects, that was true. She enjoyed her routines. She liked her career. She loved participating in life amidst millions of other people.

But meeting Arthur had changed her path. Started her on an adventure she treasured. A journey into actual partnership, rather than her earlier attempts to please and meet other’s expectations. Attempts she had failed at. Miserably.

He hadn’t cared she was five years his senior. Hadn’t hinted that he’d considered her a “spinster.” Never joked that she was an “old maid.” If she stood in front of the cosmetic counter at the pharmacy while he got his prescriptions, he’d slink up behind her and say, “You’re already pretty.” She’d never expected him to make her feel more desirable now than she’d ever felt in her twenties, stretch marks, moderately saggy breasts, and all.

During the past few days, she’d tried to piece together what he could have planned for her birthday. He hadn’t left any clues, though one night he had hurriedly tucked something under a couch cushion. He’d been a bit out of sorts, though. Biting his nails more than usual. Seeking greater reassurance.

She’d had plenty of good birthdays. There’d been parties and games. Presents. Hugs and well wishes. When she’d taken care of her father it had mostly been forgotten, apart from the cards she’d received from her ex-husband and sister. The passage of time had been marked by worsening dementia. And she had been fine with not caring.

In contrast, Arthur had stated he’d never known what it was like to matter to someone. Not until her. He’d told her he’d given Penny a blouse for her birthday once or twice. That had been years ago, however, before his mother’s reactions to him had gradually reduced to requests to send letters. Before her health had declined when he was a child and he’d had to take over every basic task. Before he’d become too exhausted to try.

Would it be fair to expect him to take much notice?

At the end of a long workday, she’d be satisfied with a quiet evening at home. Cooking dinner together. Drinking wine until she felt warm and fuzzy. Kisses exchanged here and there. Maybe some fooling around before she nodded off on the sofa with her feet in his lap. Such basic joys would be plenty.

~~~~~

The page in Arthur’s journal taken up by Y/N’s special day wasn’t atypical. He’d been writing about her since the grocery store. (“I wonder what her name tastes like. Less bitter than mine, I bet.”) Since they’d shared donuts. (“I shud have given Sara my number.”) Since she’d stared at him, then smiled at him, and he’d felt the whole world change. (“I hope Y/N likes the joke I rote for her. I practised it 100 times! Maybe she’ll let me touch her again. Shit. I’m nervos.”)

With it a mere four days away, there wasn’t much time left for gift hunting. So he pulled on his trusty tan jacket and headed out. He was unsatisfied with what his search had turned up so far. Flowers. Candy. Nylons. It had all been mediocre when she was beyond compare.

On the verge of desperation and distress, he finally managed to stumble upon the right shop. The name above the entrance, Nice Twice, was catchy. And there was a sign: “Personalization available!” Following a quick glance through the streaked shop window, he flicked his cigarette to the ground and opened the wooden door.

As he stepped inside a shopkeeper bell rang. The stench of sandalwood incense and mothballs was thick, causing him to wince. The place was overstuffed, filled with circular clothing racks, shelves of home decor and appliances, and furniture from the sixties. He tread along the faded, orange parquet floor. Squeezed between displays of bell bottoms and coats to reach a large jewelry counter by the cash register.

A man Arthur assumed was the owner popped out from behind a nearby shoe rack. He appeared to be what Penny had disdainfully referred to as a “hippie,” with his beaded headband and light blue jeans. When asked if he’d found anything he liked, Arthur answered, “Not yet.”

His shoulders tilted, drew together as he scanned the contents of the glass cabinet. Being able to get Y/N diamond earrings or a bracelet would have been ideal. He’d heard they were supposed to be symbols of commitment. Show her how important she was to him. But they’d never be affordable, even in a thrift store. There were some lovely brooches but they weren’t her style. She didn’t wear pins, anyway.

About fifteen minutes had passed when, at last, he spotted a suitable piece. The owner gave it to him to inspect. The heart, hanging from a long, silver chain, was a tad smaller than the end of his thumb. Purple, blue, and gold flowers, faded with age, were pressed under the pendant’s rounded, glass front. It was lovely, like her. And picturing her wearing it made his chest tighten.

The necklace was twelve dollars. For two dollars more, the heart’s silver back could be engraved. Arthur could definitely swing that. It took only seconds for him to choose what should be etched into it, having had his imagination sparked by a recent fifties sit-com. It would be ready Monday, the day before her birthday.

While Arthur retrieved his wallet, the owner asked, ”Hey, what’s your sign?”

Forehead furrowed, he tried to decipher the man’s meaning. He was sure he’d heard the question on television and in films. “My sign?” The man clarified and Arthur provided both his and Y/N’s birthdays.

The owner laughed. “Woo wee! That’s a powerful match.” He indicated a collection of astrology scrolls next to the register. “Your lady friend might like one of these.”

Waving dismissively, Arthur shook his head. “I don’t believe in that.” Seemingly determined, the hippie held out a rolled-up scroll. It was about the length of a cigarette, its title printed in a faux-ancient font: “Aries & Scorpio: Love & Romance.” Curiosity piqued, he pressed his lips together. “What does it say?”

“Only good things, man.” This was obviously a well-practiced pitch. And it was working The man retrieved a keyring full of unrolled, laminated scrolls. After flipping through the collection, he handed one to Arthur. He wasn’t the fastest reader, having had difficulties with it since he was a kid. But he scanned the page.

According to “the stars,” palpable chemistry existed between Aries and Scorpio. They were fun, passionate, and explosive in the bedroom. Snorting, he brought the scroll closer. “Your attraction to each other defies logic. Aries has a tough demeanor, but Scorpio brings out the compassion and love hiding underneath. Scorpio has an inner strength Aries finds irresistible.” Hm. What it said about Y/N was true. And she’d told him he was strong (which he didn’t really believe). He smiled, pleased this silly tract paid him such compliments.

He kept going. “As a pair, you are inhalation and exhalation in one. Two sides of the same coin. Aries is the sun to Scorpio’s moon.” Y/N was all those things to him. Even on days he wasn’t sure he wanted to feel better. Even on days it was easier to sink into the familiarity of misery than to strive for the unfamiliarity of feeling good.

It was after reading the final line that he nodded and dug into his pocket for two quarters: “You will be together for decades, even into the next life.”

~~~~~

Though she was standing in an overcrowded subway, squished between a man holding a dog and a woman using her as a vertical bed, Y/N felt giddy. Albeit tired. The day had been brimming with paperwork, phone calls, and running around. But it had started off well, and she was certain its upward trajectory would continue the rest of the night.

When she’d awoken, she’d discovered a pink envelope in Arthur’s place, laying haphazardly on his pillow. She’d boosted herself up on her forearm, ran her fingertips over her handwritten name, and taken out the yellow card.

There was a drawing of a man holding a woman by the waist. Lifting her until her hair touched the cheery, red “Happy Birthday.” The couple appeared thrilled. Taken with each other. And straight out of the forties. It wasn’t quite them, but it did reflect Arthur’s old fashioned romanticism.

No preprinted poem was inside. No famous quotes. Arthur had written a message instead. One which made her ache. “What do you get when you cross chocolat with something that goes thump-thump? A sweetheart. (That’s you.) My life is nicer with you in it. Even Gotham. I’m happy you talked to me. I love you a lot. -Arthur.”

He’d returned to the bedroom. Caught her mid-giggle as she’d wiggled out of her nightgown, hidden between the sheets. He was holding a mug. The same one they’d shared after the first of many lovemaking sessions.

Greedily, she’d ogled his damp hair and slender musculature. Light green eyes soft and serene, he’d sat next to her and pecked her cheek. At the flick of his gaze to her mouth, she’d flung her arms around his shoulders. Stubble burned her skin, her kisses to his dimples urgent.

“Wait,” he’d chuckled, putting the drink on the nightstand. “I made pancakes.” Even as he’d protested, he’d splayed his hand on the small of her back.

“To hell with pancakes,” she’d purred, pulling him under the blankets.

Work had been sentimental, which she’d neither expected nor wanted. Her new job would be starting in a week and a half. The small celebration they’d squeezed in served as both a goodbye and “Over the Hill” party, black balloons and grey streamers included.

Matt had been downcast as he’d shoveled red velvet cake into his mouth. “I’m sorry it turned out this way.”

A lame attempt to lighten the atmosphere had been needed. No one was going to start blubbering on her account. “You could come with me. Follow the conscience I know you have hidden somewhere.” He’d looked askance, turned towards his office. Trying to soften her joke, she’d patted his arm. “Don’t feel too bad. You could still lose the case.”

Settled on the windowsill, she’d gazed out at the streets of the city she’d grown to love. The city she called home, despite having spent only five percent of her existence in it. It was fitting to start this phase of her life here. The only period in which she’d felt whole, both professionally and personally.

A sheen had been in Patricia’s eyes when she’d joined her in the tight space, nudging her with her hip. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you here, accelerating Matt’s hair loss.”

“You’ll have to add it to your list of duties.” Elbowing her gently, Y/N continued. “I’ll only be a couple blocks away. We’ll meet for lunch. And you have my phone number.” Before her own eyes could water, she’d gone to her desk to cut another slice.

Patricia raised her hand. “You’re going to ruin your appetite.”

“Oh? Should I be expecting something?”

Finishing her own piece, Patricia crossed her ankles. “Arthur called for tips while you were in court. He decided I was an expert on you.” Y/N’s brows shooting up prompted a chuckle. “I didn’t give away all your secrets. Just some of your favorite sweets.”

The clench of Y/N’s throat was instant. And shame washed over her for assuming he wouldn’t plan much, if anything at all. He’d been considerate, even during tough times. Like at Christmas, which had been hard for him but turned out well in the end. He’d made it clear that what he coveted most, besides love and validation, was to be treated normally. Normal expectations were a part of that. She’d sought to give him a break when the benefit of the doubt had been what he deserved.

Y/N thought a bit. Surveyed the ornate woodwork in the corners of the room. Then she'd met her friend’s gaze. “Patricia, I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“Because he’s getting you cake?”

“I’m not that easy.” Laughing, Y/N sat on the corner of her desk. “Do you remember when I said I was almost forty and was going to grab what I want? Well, I’m forty and he’s what I want.”

Caution and kindness had softened Patricia’s concerns. “I don’t mean to be indelicate. But you’re his first relationship. Is he ready for that?”

Y/N sucked the frosting off her fork. “Our sixth month is soon. I’ll drop a hint. When he’s ready - if he’s ready - he’ll know I am, too.”

She’d been floating since that realization. Since admitting her devotion to Arthur aloud and thereby making it concrete. Since getting a supportive hug from Patricia. And reassurance from Matt, of all people, that she hadn’t entered a mid-life crisis.

That headiness continued as she fumbled with her keys. Upon entering their apartment, music reached her ears. Music with a faster tempo than the classics Arthur usually played. Hanging up her coat and slipping off her shoes, she recognized it as one of her “Best of Soul and Disco” LPs. She braced herself on the wall separating the kitchen from the living room, her cheeks breaking wide open.

Arthur had moved the television and its stand to the side of the coffee table. A blanket, folded into a square, lay in front of the windows. Two plates and two wine glasses were on it. As she approached, she saw sandwiches on a platter. There was pasta salad and potato salad, both covered in plastic wrap, from the deli around the corner. In the center of it all sat an empty vase.

When he came out of the bedroom, magic wand in hand, he stilled. “Oh. Hi. You’re back already?”

A giggle. “I ran.” Biting her bottom lip, she admired his tousled brown curls, feathery, light, and attractive as hell. His face was unobscured by make-up, allowing her to revel in his handsomeness. The top button of his white shirt was undone. And his yellow vest outlined his lean frame in all the right ways. He wore his usual trousers. “Did you have a gig today?”

“No.” He smoothed a palm down his chest and stomach, and she noticed he’d rolled up his sleeves. “Um, I heard you like it.”

She felt herself blush and nodded eagerly. Thank you, Patricia.

With a flick of his wrist, flowers sprouted from the end of the wand. “I wanted to do this outside. On the fire escape. But it’s too cold.” He knelt on the blanket to put the flowers in the vase.

Y/N cocked her head. The juxtaposition of him wearing his “Carnival Casual” outfit, the cutesy charm of the picnic he’d arranged with the music that was playing was ridiculous. The song went on repeatedly about miracles, need, and “sexy things.” She snorted.

As Arthur removed the cellophane from the salads, his shoulders tensed. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like,” he breathed. “I got too much.”

“No,” she replied, sitting next to him, laying a hand on his thigh. “This is wonderful.” When their eyes met, she found his look at once bashful and flirtatious.

She served the sandwiches and salads while he poured the wine, following her request to fill the glasses to the top. Mostly potato salad ended up on her plate, the mix of mayonnaise, pepper, and egg just right. A majority of the pasta wound up on his - he liked the vinegary flavor. The red wine did not pair with the turkeys on rye he’d prepared, so she saved most of it for dessert.

When Arthur held out an orange roll of paper, she was dabbing her mouth with a cloth napkin. The title made her laugh. She never would have suspected he put stock in the zodiac; she certainly didn’t. Gingerly, she opened the scroll and squinted down at it.

It described her as determined, confident, and extroverted. And called Arthur a curious, emotional introvert. While mostly true, it wasn’t quite accurate. Arthur was only introverted in personal situations, while having the courage to perform as a clown and a stand-up. Those traits could belong to anyone, depending on the situation.

But the next paragraph clued her in as to why he’d bought the horoscope. And given it to her. “You were made for each other. There are times when it’s hard to know how you both managed to ever exist apart. The bond between you is unbreakable. You have much to learn from one another.” A lump formed in her throat when she read the last line, that they’d be together until the next life. She didn’t believe in that, yet longed for it all the same. “Thank you, Arthur.”

The scroll would have been enough. Dinner would have been enough. He would have been enough. But he placed a pink, velvet necklace box on her lap. She blinked at it, hoping he hadn’t spent too much on her. Then she forced that notion from her brain - he was a grown man who could buy what he chose - and cracked it open. Her breath caught.

The heart with pressed flowers was obviously vintage. The size was demure, like her other, few pieces of jewelry. And it was exactly her style: feminine and practical. She was grateful he hadn’t gotten her diamonds or other flashy gems. Her eyes darted to his as she took it out. “This is...” Gently, he turned it over in her palm, and she saw the engraving on the back: A+S.

A+S. Arthur and Y/N. It was a bold move from him. A welcome one.

“I think that’s usually done on trees,” he said. “But there aren’t that many in Gotham.”

Chuckling, she sniffed back her tears and shoved it at him. “Here.” She turned her back towards him. His fingertips dragged along her collarbone as she lifted her hair and he latched the chain. The kiss he placed above the clasp made her shiver. Wanting him to see how the pendant rested right above her cleavage, she unbuttoned the top of her blouse.

“It’s beautiful.” She pulled him in for a kiss. Traced his crow's feet. Let her thumbs wander to the slight puffiness underneath. The wine, along with her earlier confession to Patricia, was making it easier to open up. “You have my whole heart, Arthur,” she sighed into his mouth.

His palm went to her chest as he tilted his head, his other holding the nape of her neck. The tip of his tongue slipped between her lips and warmth enveloped her. She felt his fingers play with the necklace. Heard his ragged inhalation. Knew that pride and pleasure were emboldening him, because she was wearing what he’d gifted.

Eventually, he broke their connection, told her to close her eyes and pecked her nose. She concentrated on his steps to the kitchen. The clatter of him going through the silverware drawer. And then the chill breeze of the glass door being opened.

When she was allowed to peek, she stood and followed him onto the fire escape. A lit cigarette was already between his lips, and he was lighting a candle on a gigantic slice of cake. “You’re supposed to make a wish,” he said, smoke escaping his nostrils.

She snuggled his side, snaked an arm around him as he slung his across her shoulders. After eyeing the flame a moment, she sucked in a deep breath, pursed her lips, and bent closer...

Just in time for a split-second gust of wind to blow out the candle.

Arthur groaned and started to let go of her but she stopped him. “It counts.” She lifted the fork and fed him a bite, grinning at his pleased hum. “You won’t mind me turning grey, will you?”

“No. I won’t be the only one looking old.”

She nuzzled his temple. “You don’t look old. You’re refined.”

“Sure,” he scoffed. They ate silently for a bit, but then he squeezed her tighter. “What did you...” Trepidation lurked behind his question, even after their steamy picnic. “What did you wish for?”

“That we’ll keep loving each other, even through tough times.” She lowered the fork, already full. “That I’ll like my new job.” Letting go of him, she set the plate on the metal stairs, next to his ashtray. “That you’ll be healthy.”

He huffed. “You shouldn’t have wasted any on me.”

“You’re worth all of them.” She kissed his bicep, laid her head on his shoulder. The record playing in the background turned over, switched to a slower song, and she grinned. “Now,” she said, “may I have this dance?”

Delight in his eyes, he bowed. She giggled as he grabbed her around the middle and pulled her flush against his solid frame. He led beautifully, gazing at her as if she was the only woman in the world, guiding her to the beat she was deaf to. He even dared to raise her hand for a modest twirl, and she trusted him enough for it to work.

As they spun slowly, rotating in the lights of their living room and the city, he kissed her hairline. “Happy birthday. I hope you liked it.”

“I loved it.” She captured his thin lips with her own. “Promise you’ll be here for the next twenty.”

“The next forty.” He bumped their noses and lay his cheek on hers. Y/N cuddled deeper into his embrace, feeling more cherished than she had in years.

~~~~~

Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing

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[neo-culture-taste]

Abeilles au Printemps - Ch 8

Alternate Title: Bees in Spring  

Genre: AU, romance, drama, comedy, smut, who’s the daddy

Pairing: NCT x Y/N (fem)

Rating: Mostly mature themes/ language. Smutty chapters will be labeled 🐝.

Word Count: 13000+ :D

For other chapters, see the masterlist.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s a super late chapter as your present from us! We believe it was well worth the wait~ 💘

You heard your companion's long and heavy sigh as he shifted his car into park in front of your destination. Having yet to let go of the gearshift, he squeezed it in his palm before looking over to you in the passenger seat with a disconcerting feel to his stare--even though his eyes weren't clearly visible through the lenses of his sunglasses. “You know you don’t have to go through with this, right?” 

You pulled down the overhead visor then opened the mirror to apply a light coat of lipstick to your lips--a subtle mauve/rouge you put on before every court case. You would say that it was your lucky color. “He sent over legal court documents trying to sue me,” you replied before smoothing the color onto your bottom lip. "I must comply."

“This is so stupid," he spat, now notably agitated. You knew he was going to try to talk you out of it before he even began speaking. Whenever the subject came up in previous conversation between the two of you, he would become reserved and slightly on edge, but never reveal what was running through his mind. He no longer had the time to beat around the bush--especially since he waited until after he drove you to the courthouse to try and stop you. "He's only trying to sue you because he failed at being the man of your dreams.”

“Jaehyun, my love, please calm down.” You finished putting the lipstick onto both your lips then puckered them together a few times in the mirror. "You’re getting worked up over nothing.”

“I don’t think you should go. Don’t give him anymore attention. What if he tries to spin another web of lies?”

“Then let him. I know the truth. My personal truth.” You closed the visor then bent down to pick up Jaehyun's snapback from off the car floor, before turning in your seat and slapping the cap onto his head. “And I never lose,” you said then cradled Jaehyun’s face in your hands.

Choosing that it was best not to complain anymore, Jaehyun kissed you on your forehead and followed through by kissing your freshly painted lips. He then exited the vehicle and made his way to your side to open the door. He walked you to the front of the court house and kissed you one last time before watching you go through the security scanners. He wanted to go in with you, but he only had the small amount of time it took to pick you up and take you there before his busy schedule for the day began. And as much as you would have liked to have his support during the trial, his presence would only complicate the matter further.

You checked in with your favorite clerk of court, who informed you that the other parties had already arrived. You thanked her then made your way to the small claims court on the other side of the building. Upon entering the doors, you saw Kun already standing behind the podium. He was wearing his white dental coat as if status would work in his favor during all of this. He was foolish to think he would get any sort of favor while he was trying to fight in your territory. 

“And there’s the woman of the hour!” he said loudly announcing your arrival.

You rolled your eyes as you set your belongings on one of several empty benches. The whole court was empty except for the two of you and Winwin, who would be acting as a witness. You had so many emotions bottled inside that you wanted to unleash onto your ex. However, you stayed tight lipped and ignored his welcome. You weren’t going to risk a settlement on your emotions. On cue, as the seconds hand on the clock ticked to the number eight, the court officer and court reporter appeared and began the introductions for the judge. Fortunately, the judge presiding was one of your favorite judges, so you knew that the case would be a cinch. Plus, it appeared as though Kun’s lawyer actually did decide to skip out on his case, making it easier for you. It was a tad bit surprising, since the rabbit never missed a chance to hop on anything that involved making you look bad. But it made sense for him to be a no-show, especially since the particular set of events that brought you here in the first place involved Doyoung himself. He wouldn't want to make himself look bad, oh, no.

“Ms. Y/L/N, I never thought I would ever see you behind the podium as a defendant. This is quite a surprise," said the judge after taking his seat. "Shall we begin?” 

Kun held up a hand to the judge. “Hold on, your honor. My lawyer, Kim Doyoung, is running a bit late."

The judge stared blankly at Kun briefly before speaking. "This is small claims court. You don't need a lawyer," he said and Kun's eyes looked like they would fall out of his head. You wanted to laugh so badly. 

"I don't think I can proceed without him. Are we able to reschedule--”

“No, no. No rescheduling,” you snapped, cutting him off. “You can represent yourself.” You had already dragged this case out long enough. It was time to get it done and get rid of him for good.

Kun stuck up his nose and crossed his arms. “So you can ruthlessly use your lawyer tactics against me?”

“I was going to do that anyway.” What you wanted to say was, 'No shit. We're in court,' but you didn't for obvious reasons.

“Order, order in the court.” The judge shook his head and banged his gavel silencing the both of you. He could already tell by your and Kun's dynamic how this trial was going to play out. “Let’s get this over with," he said and repositioned his body in his seat. “Plaintiff, state your case."

"Gladly, your honor," said Kun and you rolled your eyes for the second time--and so hard that you swore you felt your baby do it, too. "I am suing Ms. Y/L/N for $20,000 on the basis of scarring me both emotionally and mentally during the two year relationship we shared. I am also seeking to be compensated for the time she stayed at my residence due to her own home being renovated.”

“I see," said the judge. "Can you describe to me the actions taken by the defendant that caused you to become emotionally and mentally scarred?”

“She cheated on me with five different men while I was away at a conference overseas. But prior to that, she was staying at my home without taking part in any of the living expenses.”

Oh, hell no.

“I object!” you spat out as your blood boiled hot in your veins. He was not about to claim such a bullshit lie on you.

“Overruled," said the judge before turning to address you. "Ms. Y/L/N, that is actually a warning for you. Neither of you have any actual legal representation today, so no more lawyer speak from you." Seriously? That just pissed you off even more! Now you were definitely rethinking him as being one of your least favorite judges. "Dr. Qian, are you able to present any evidence for your first claim?" he continued.

"She's pregnant, your honor," he stated and pointed to your large and obvious baby bump. "And we never had sex." He let down his hand and a smug smirk appeared on his face. "Also, she has no idea who the father is." Gosh, you wanted to punch him more than ever right now. There was absolutely no reason for him to add that last tidbit of information. 

The judge glanced at you briefly before speaking. Just great. He definitely wouldn't be able to look at you the same way ever again. "Alright, then. Has a doctor diagnosed you with a mental disorder, for example PTSD, depression, anxiety or such?”

Kun visibly hesitated. “No, your honor…" Doyoung was supposed to do all the talking for him. He didn't know how to properly answer with a response in his favor.

“So you weren't officially diagnosed as having emotional or mental trauma nor are you on any medication or seeking therapy?”

“No...well no...but she--,“ Kun floundered in his speech. 

“So you’re suing because your feelings were hurt? Is that it?” Okay. He was still one of your favorite judges after all.

“I don’t want to speak until my lawyer gets here!” Kun half whined to the judge.

"Dr. Qian, the trial has already begun, now let's move on." He directed his attention to you. "Ms. Y/L/N, your defense, please."

You smiled to yourself knowing you had this whole thing in the bag. There was no point in getting angry over this idiot and his dumb trial. There was no way he could win. “Your honor, although it is true that I stepped out on him a few times during our relationship, my home was being renovated and I was invited to stay at his residence without having to take part in any of the expenses. It was a mutual agreement and the idea came from my boyfriend who claimed that he loved me and had plans to marry me.”

"I-I object!" Kun interjected in a full on panic. There was no way he could twist himself out of this without the rabbit.

"You can't object. You're not a lawyer," said the judge quickly dismissing Kun. "We have a witness here, right? Mr. Dong, is it? Would you please take the stand." Winwin nodded and stood up to walk and stand between you and Kun. "Since you're the witness for both parties, please state your relationship to each one.”

"I am a close friend to both Dr. Qian and Ms. Y/L/N."

"But we've known each other for more than ten years compared to the mere two they've hardly spent together," added Kun snarkily.

"No comments, please," the judge told Kun without even looking at him. "Mr. Dong, can you testify for either of the parties."

"Yes, sir, your honor," Winwin began. "While it is true that Ms. Y/L/N stepped out on their relationship, Dr. Qian did, however, invite her into his home as her boyfriend, and he promised to take care of her without requesting any financial assistance." When he finished, Kun rolled his eyes and neck dramatically, annoyed by the fact that his own best friend was testifying against him. Even though you only spent a little time with him because of Kun and Ten, Winwin had still become a close friend by your strict terms. You knew he wouldn't stand there and be unfair to you.

"Anything else you would like to add?" asked the judge.

Winwin looked over at you with sad eyes before looking at the floor and letting out a heavy sigh. "There is one more thing, your honor..." One more thing? Was he about to tell the judge about what Kun did overseas? You had come prepared to reveal that information yourself, having brought the photos Doyoung had given you to present as evidence. But it would save you the breath if Winwin was going to do it for you. 

The judge's left brow raised slightly. "Well, what is it--"

"Hold it your honor." 

All eyes turned to the back of the courtroom as the doors swung open to signal the sudden entrance of your one true rival. A wave of relief washed over Kun as Doyoung made his way to stand between you and Winwin in front of the judge, and he was holding a similar yellow envelope to the one he gave you underneath his arm. Heat radiated from your body at his close proximity to you. You remembered him explicitly telling you that he wouldn't be representing Kun anymore, but deep down you had a feeling that he would in fact show up just to spite you for what you said to him on that day, and because of what he did to you at your baby shower. 

"Ah, Mr. Kim. How nice of you to finally join us twenty minutes later," the judge stated amusedly. Today was nothing short of surprises from the people he had come to know to be highly professional. 

"I apologize for my tardiness. I had a crisis of conscience on whether or not I could represent my client today." A crisis of conscience? You scoffed at his words. His only crisis was choosing whether or not he wanted to besmirch his own name in the process of tarnishing yours.

Kun's body immediately stiffened up again with fear and confusion. "What the actual hell?! Why?!"

"I can longer represent you in this case because…" Doyoung briefly paused to look over at you. Your subdued angry expression caused him to groan inwardly in irritation before looking back at Kun and continuing his statement. "It has recently come to my attention that I am directly involved with the defendant by being a potential father of her unborn child." So he decided to drag his own reputation after all? You still weren't impressed. 

Kun's face morphed into one of absolute betrayal and disgust and the judge's mouth fell open slightly before he quickly regained his composure and cleared his throat. Jaehyun was right. You shouldn't have gone through with this to save you from the absolute embarrassment. You began fanning yourself with your case notes as your body temperature steadily increased. You could feel little beads of sweat starting to form at your hairline.

"You were one of the five guys she cheated on me with?!" Kun all but screeched.

"Actually, I was the sixth one to be notified." Okay. You were really tired of all your personal business being put on blast in this courtroom. 

"Why you fucking ass--" you began to say in your rage but the loud banging of the judges gavel halted you.

"Order! No swearing in the court, Ms. Y/L/N! You know that!"

"I'm sorry," you said through gritted teeth and purposely left off the honorific.

"And I would also like to present a piece of evidence to the court," said Doyoung as he held up the envelope. What could he possibly have had on you now?!

"Baliff, please retrieve the evidence from Mr. Kim." The officer did as he was told and retrieved the envelope from Doyoung and handed it to the judge. "Hmm," he sounded after opening it and pulling out its contents. "These appear to be photos of you Dr. Qian." Of course the rabbit's efficient bushy-tailed behind made copies of the pictures. He couldn't even let you make the big reveal yourself!

"Of me?" Kun was very perplexed, having no knowledge of the pictures being taken. However, next to him Winwin visibly stiffened as the color began draining from his face. 

"Yes, and you're canoodling with a woman who is not Ms. Y/L/N. But the interesting part is that the timestamps of these photos coincide with the alleged date of your conference overseas."

Kun was rendered speechless. He had assumed no one other than Winwin knew about what he actually did during his trip overseas, who still then was spared most of the scandalous details. With his mouth agape, he looked over to his friend for some sort of clarification, and received just that when Winwin refused to look in his direction. It was all over for him now. 

"Although your feelings were hurt," the judge continued, "it seems as though you are doing all of this out of guilt because you yourself cheated on Ms. Y/L/N as well. You also refuse to admit the both of you are cut from the same cloth. It's a shame the two of you aren't still together." Tch.

Now glaring at his so-called best friend, Kun addressed the judge. "Your honor, I have a right to know where these photos came from and why my ex lawyer has them."

The judge held back from rolling his eyes again. Did it really matter at this point? Kun was caught red handed. "Yes. Mr. Kim, do you care to answer?"

"I gave them to him," cut in Winwin.

Everyone was taken aback by this sudden revelation. You looked over to Doyoung and though his expression was neutral, you noticed he was clenching his jaw tightly, a clear indication that he had no idea where the photos originally came from or how Winwin tied into any of this at all.

"What?!” Now your roles were reversed. Kun was now fuming and you were very confused. “Did you follow me on my trip?! You're the one who sent me on the trip!'

But you quickly switched back to being livid. "He sent you?" Winwin flinched at your tone and did his best to avoid eye contact with everyone in the room.

"Order, order!” The judge banged his gavel once again. “Mr. Dong please explain the statement Dr. Qian just made."

Winwin took a deep breath and turned to face you. When he picked up his head to look at you, his guilt filled eyes locked with yours and you suddenly found it slightly difficult to breathe. "Well your honor I am a travel agent,” he began without breaking your gaze. “But I noticed for a long time that there was a disharmony in their relationship, and I figured a bit of separation would do them some good.” Winwin had noticed? You had thought you were doing so well to conceal how unhappy you were in your relationship with Kun. You had even convinced yourself that it would work out and Kun showed no signs of his discontent either. How could Winwin have seen through the both of you so easily?

“I gifted Kun with an all expenses paid vacation and conspired with him to lie about it being a conference trip, but I didn't encourage him to cheat. Kun did instruct me to keep an eye out on Y/N, but of course I'm not going to babysit a grown woman.” Winwin paused for a moment, letting everything sink in before hitting you with the rest of his shocking testimony. “But I...I hired someone to keep an eye on Kun because I knew he would go over there and do something dumb like this, and also in hopes of catching him in the act to help break the two of them up, since neither unhappy party could do it themselves.” 

"But you're my friend!” Kun exclaimed angrily. “You barely know her!"

Winwin winced but never broke eye contact with you. "The two years I've known her was enough to create a solid relationship. And just because the two of you broke up doesn't mean I have to end our friendship as well. I know it was selfish on my part but it needed to be done." He paused in an attempt to swallow the lump forming in his throat. "I truly care for Y/N. Because she's a very important woman in my life. And I hated to see her in such an unhealthy and forced relationship whether she wanted to admit it or not. I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me. And if she doesn't, then that's something for us to sort out later in private."

You forcefully broke eye contact with him, no longer able to look at the painful sadness deep within them. This whole situation was beginning to make your head hurt. Your heart was pounding in your ears and you placed your hand on your heaving chest as you tried to come to terms with the possibility of Dong Sicheng being secretly in love with you. Where was this coming from all of a sudden? How long had he felt this way towards you? Why was it so hard to fucking breathe?!

Kun’s eyes narrowed in contempt at the back of Winwin’s head. "Did you sleep with her, too?"

"Your honor!" you half screeched with enough force to cause you to lose your balance. Doyoung was quick to catch your arm and stabilize you, but you quickly took your arm back from him, not wanting to be touched in such a distressed state. Doyoung also took notice of your flushed cheeks, his brows knitting together in concern at your labored breathing, but the banging of the judges gavel and the barking of his name ripped his attention away from you.

"Order, I say! Mr. Kim! Is it true that Mr. Dong gave you these photos?"

You saw Doyoung take a deep breath and honed in on the way his Adam’s Apple bobbed up and down in a double swallow, a tell that only you knew he did when he was about to tell a lie. "Yes, your honor."

"Very well then. It seems as though you do not have a case here, Dr. Qian. Not only are you not actually emotionally affected by Ms. Y/L/N’s actions, it has been revealed that both of you were actively disloyal in your relationship. Since this was merely a pointing fingers case, I have no choice but to rule in the favor of the defendant.” The judge banged his gavel for the last time. “Court adjourned,” he said and began rising from his seat but stopped his action midway. “Oh, and Mr. Dong. You need to be more honest with your friends.'' With that the judge continued with making his exit.

Kun stepped away from his podium to confront Winwin about what he had done, the latter trying his best to escape the courtroom. You yourself needed more clarification on the matter and wanted to speak with him as well, but as soon as you took one step away from your podium a wave of dizziness hit you and you found yourself falling forward. 

“Y/N!” Doyoung called your name urgently as he caught you once again, and as soon as your forehead fell against his chest, he felt how sweaty you were through the fabric of his dress shirt. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at you and each of their faces flashed with worry once they laid eyes on the scene. “Are you feeling okay?” asked Doyoung as he tried to right your stance. But you didn’t have the strength to hold yourself up and continued to grip onto Doyoung’s suit jacket for support. “Y/N, can you breathe?”

You shook your head in dismissal. You wanted to tell him you were just a bit worked up and the feeling would pass, but your baby was kicking up a storm inside your belly. So with your fuzzy mind focusing on that sensation, the only statement that escape or lips was a breathy, “My baby…”

“Is everything alright?” called the judge.

“No. I believe Ms. Y/L/N needs to be taken to a hospital,” said Doyoung imperatively.

“No..I don’t..” you pleaded with a whisper but you were convincing no one with the way you still clung to the other attorney.

“I’ll call an ambulance,” said the court officer and he readied to take his phone from his belt.

“No, I’ll take her. It’ll be faster,” said Doyoung. “Is there a wheelchair available?”

“I’m fine,” you said sternly after managing to pick your head up. While holding onto him you were able to catch your breath and stabilize your breathing. Your baby was still doing a dance inside you, but the pounding inside your head was also beginning to subside. "Whatever it was passed." You released your grip on his jacket and started to move away from him, but you misstepped and stumbled a ways backwards. And Doyoung was right there to catch you once more, this time by the wrist.

"No, you're not and it didn't," he said authoritatively. "I'm taking you to an emergency clinic."

Ugh, no. Not again. "Doyoung, I don't-"

His eyes narrowed slightly. "You may feel fine, but think about the baby, Y/N." He kept his hold on your wrist as the two of you had a stare down in the middle of the courtroom. You knew you should go. You just didn't like the fact that it was Doyoung telling you to do it.

"Ms. Y/L/N, please let Mr. Kim take you to the emergency clinic," ordered the judge. "Or I'll fine you in contempt of court."

You rolled your eyes at the judge and let your arm go limp in Doyoung's hand. "Okay. Take me. But I can walk."

The ride on the way to the emergency clinic was mostly silent. He wasn't sure where he stood with you at the moment. Yes, he was taking you there, but any decent person would do that for a pregnant woman in distress. Even if he did provide you with the evidence to win against Kun, he was pretty sure that you still hated him, especially with the way he had originally given you said evidence. It wasn't exactly one of his most thought out decisions, but he rarely thought anything completely through when it came to you (unless it had to do with work). He did it with semi-good intentions. And he wanted to ask you if you had taken any more steps in finding out who the license plate number he wrote down belonged to. But that didn't matter anymore. Winwin had already confessed to orchestrating the photos. Besides, he didn't want to add on to your already high levels of stress. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw you fan yourself with your hand, then mentally kicked himself for not automatically blasting the AC for you. "I'm sorry," he said, breaking the silence. Slightly startled by his sudden apology, you turned your head to see him moving his hand towards his control panel and lower the temperature on the passenger side of the car. "You should have said it was too warm."

"Ah, no. I'm fine," you said and waved a hand dismissively. "It was just another mini hot flash. It'll pass soon." 

"Oh, okay," he responded without looking at you and continued to focus on where he was going. 

Oof, it was so awkward. Like Doyoung, you also didn't know where the two of you stood anymore. You still hated him, but you hated him a lot less? Or maybe you didn't care to hate him as much anymore? You didn't care about anything anymore at this point. You were just done with everything that was going on in your life and only wanted to focus on having your baby and taking care of her with your new fiancé. 

You looked down at your belly and smiled to yourself at the thought of being engaged to quite possibly the man of your dreams. Not even Doyoung, Kun, or Winwin could ruin how happy you were with your life right now. Placing your left hand on your stomach, you rubbed it up and down against it, liking the way the ring looked on your finger in contrast to the color of your dress. 

As you were lost in your thoughts, Doyoung heard you sigh in contentment and quickly glanced over to see you rubbing your belly. His shoulders relaxed at knowing you had come completely down from being so worked up in the courtroom earlier, but then he immediately tensed back up again when your hand moved through a patch of sunlight and your ring glimmered as it passed through the rays. With clenched teeth, his hands gripped the steering wheel as he tried to quietly even out his breath. He didn't have to do much thinking as to who gave it to you. He could tell by the extravagance of the ring that only one person could afford it. Besides, it was obvious who you were going to choose from the start--anyone but him. And it was entirely his fault.

Doyoung pulled into a parking spot in front of the emergency clinic, then quickly got out of the car to open your door for you and helped you out. Once you were steady on your feet, he kept his grip on your hand, closed the door to his car and led you to the entrance of the clinic. "Watch your step," he prompted you when you made it to the door and opened it. 

"Thank you, Doyoung. But I can take it from here." This time he let you pull your hand away from him, but not without some noticeable hesitation. 

"Are you sure?" he asked you knowing full well that you could handle everything on your own. But he was coming to terms with his loss, and wanted to hold on for just a little bit longer. 

You tried to gauge whether or not he was truly concerned about you and your baby, but you couldn't get a clear read on his facial expression. "Yes. I'm fine."

Doyoung sighed before placing his hand in the middle of your back and started pushing you the rest of the way through the door. "If you were fine, then we wouldn't be here."

"No, really," you pleaded as he guided you the rest of the way to the check-in counter. "You don't have to stay."

Once at the counter, Doyoung quickly told the woman at the desk about what happened to you earlier, listed your symptoms, and told her that you were not fine no matter how many times you told him that you were. You were half-surprised about how much he knew about possible pregnancy complications, but this was Mr. Walking Textbook after all. The woman agreed with him of course and you rolled your eyes at them both before she handed you a clipboard with your information already filled out for you to review. This was your third visit to this particular emergency clinic in the past year. Maybe they would give you a lollipop prize this time. 

Doyoung sat across from you in the lobby as you waited for a nurse to retrieve you. He was trying his best to occupy himself with one of the magazines provided, but you knew he wasn't actually absorbing anything he was looking at. You knew he was just being his annoyingly thorough self and wanted to make sure you and the baby were absolutely fine. But the whole situation was weird, and at some point you truly just wanted him to leave. The awkwardness of it all was beginning to get under your skin.

You pulled out your phone to distract yourself by texting Mark about what happened, but decided against it since you had been worrying him sick already for the past six months. You texted Jaehyun instead. Soon he would be legally obligated to worry about you and you needed to get out of the habit of relying on your little brother for everything ASAP. You reluctantly texted Ten as well, not really wanting to get chewed out by him but knew it was necessary. He would find out sooner or later from the clinic you were in, anyway. You knew he wasn’t going to answer you until a few hours later, and when he finally did he told you he was going to personally tie you up himself and lock you in your bedroom until your due date.

Jaehyun texted you back fairly quickly despite his busy schedule. He told you he was on his way despite you telling him that you were okay and that he didn’t have to drop everything to be with you. Why were all the men in your life so annoying and/or overprotective of you? However, you did have a feeling once the baby was born, they would all stop caring about you and devote all their attention to her. Maybe then you’d finally have a break.

“Ms. Y/L/N,” the nurse called you to go into an examination room. 

Upon hearing your name, you stood up from your seat with a little bit of difficulty, but was steadied on your feet by Doyoung, who you hadn’t even seen stand up. “Make sure you tell them everything,” he advised you before letting go of your arm. 

You rolled your eyes again. “Yes, mother,” you said sarcastically under your breath, causing a very faint smile to appear on Doyoung’s face.

The nurse studied your interaction with each other then her eyes scanned down to the ring on your finger, and you saw them flicker with misunderstanding. “Remember, you can go with her to the examination room if you want—” she tried to assure him, but you cut her off when you saw where her gaze remained.

“That won’t be necessary,” you said and began walking yourself through the hallway. “I’ve already notified someone else to accompany me.”

“Oh, um. Okay.” Before leading you, the nurse gave one last wary glance at Doyoung, whose face was once more devoid of emotion while his eyes told another story.

In the examination room the nurse performed the routine of asking for your medical history, taking your blood pressure and checking your vitals, then the doctor came in shortly thereafter. “Well if it isn’t you again,” the doctor said cheerily as he walked through the door. He must have been having a good day. There weren't many people waiting in the lobby, so you figured he was happy about his light workload. “Oh, my. You’re about ready to pop, aren't you?” You recognized him as the young Dr. Huang Renjun who first diagnosed your pregnancy six months ago. At least you didn't have to deal with anyone new that day. 

“In a few weeks, yes,” you answered him concisely, not really in the mood for small talk and just wanted to go home and take a nap.

“That’s wonderful,” he said genuinely then put his pen behind his ear. “But what isn’t wonderful is you stressing yourself out and developing high blood pressure, ma’am.” His expression turned serious and you could hear the disapproval in his voice. “I’m sure you’re aware of the complications hypertension could cause for both you and your child, hm?”

You sighed. “Yes.”

“I know you were probably hoping that nothing major had happened to you today and you would just be told to rest at home, but unfortunately we will have to run more tests on you and conduct an ultrasound to check on your baby.” He turned to the nurse and told her what tests to prepare for and she nodded and left the room.

You groaned to yourself and combed your hair away from your face with your left hand. You were so sick of ultrasounds. You were so sick of hospitals. But everything happening to you was your fault, so you really didn’t have a right to complain. 

Dr. Renjun caught the twinkle of the giant rock on your finger when you moved and his cheerful demeanor returned after he was done gawking at the size of your diamond. “I see you have gotten engaged since we last met. Congratulations!”

A bit taken aback, you smiled somewhat shyly and covered the ring with your other hand. You weren’t used to being engaged, having only been so for little over a week. And since no one else knew about it, it was a little shocking when strangers noticed. “Thank you.”

“Would you like for us to inform your companion about the next steps, or for him to come in here with you?” he asked you.

“That won’t be necessary,” you repeated the words you told the nurse earlier. You didn’t expect Doyoung to still be waiting in the lobby anyway. 

Dr. Renjun’s lips pursed in thought. “Hmm. He didn’t come in with you last time either. Is he not your fiancé? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”

Wait what? Last time? Dr. Renjun had an incredible memory to know such a random detail about a patient he had only seen once over half a year ago. However, your memory from the last visit to the emergency clinic was hazy since you were passed out for most of it, and the announcement of your life changing news kind of overpowered everything else. You vividly remembered Kun fainting, but you had no idea who had taken you to the clinic in the first place. Doyoung wasn’t the first person on your list of possibilities.

“No, he isn’t,” you answered him still somewhat in a shocked state.

Seeing the surprise evident on your face, the young doctor couldn’t help himself but to know more. “Then can I assume it was your boyfriend? The man that fainted when I broke the news? Have the two of you worked things out?”

You visibly winced at the mention of Kun, causing the doctor to tense up. “No, we didn’t. He’s actually the reason I’m here.” He relaxed a bit when you continued to speak, grateful he hadn’t overstepped, but his interest was piqued higher now, and also with a bit of concern. “He tried to sue me. I came here from the trial.”

“Yeesh,” the doctor efficiently articulated how you were sure everyone looking in from the outside felt about your situation.

“Tell me about it,” you said chuckling to yourself. “And the guy that brought me here could be my baby's father.” Dr. Renjun raised an eyebrow, but didn’t respond as you continued speaking. “As well as my fiancé...and some other guys.” You weren’t sure why you were telling him all of this, especially since you were a very private person. Perhaps you simply needed a new outlet and an unbiased take on the matter.

Dr. Renjun nodded and you half expected him to say ‘yeesh’ again, but instead he continued to be upbeat. “Well it seems everything has worked out for you in the end,” he said with a smile. “But they won’t stay that way if you don’t start taking better care of yourself,” he scolded you as he went back into doctor mode. “We haven’t conducted the tests yet, but I’m telling you now I’m prescribing that you go on bed rest for the duration of this pregnancy. I'm sure your OBGYN will say the same thing. And speaking of tests…” The doctor looked around the examination room in confusion before looking back at you on the bed. “Where is my nurse? She never came back!”

The young doctor pulled back the curtain to search for his nurse and saw her as well as a few other nurses dilly dallying in the hallway and gawking at something going on by the front desk. But soon the object of everyone’s infatuation almost knocked Dr. Renjun to the floor in its haste to see the very pregnant lady he had just been speaking to about her boy problems.

“Y/N! Are you okay? What did the doctor say? Where are they?” Jaehyun cupped your face in his hands and gazed worriedly into your eyes. 

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I told you I was fine,” you reassured him and removed his hands from your face. “And the doctor was the man you almost trampled when you ran in here.” You gestured towards Dr. Renjun who was staring at Jaehyun like he was a ghost. The young doctor knew exactly why Kun had tried to sue you now.

“Y-You’re…” Dr. Renjun had barely managed to form words when Jaehyun turned to face him. His wide eyes slid over to look at you and you gave him a smile and a shrug as confirmation to his silent question. He cleared his throat and adjusted the clipboard in his hands. “You must be the fiancé. I’m Dr. Renjun. Pleased to meet you.”

Jaehyun first looked at you confused as to why this stranger knew your secret, then he looked back to the young doctor, a bit skeptical of his age and the legitimacy of his credentials. “And you as well. What’s going on now, doctor?”

“She presented with high blood pressure, and we were about to run more tests. Please wait a moment while I retrieve the nurse.” Dr. Renjun said then all but ran out of the examination room.

“What are you doing?” You yanked him by his sleeve closer to you so you wouldn’t have to talk too loudly.

“I told you I was coming.”

“No, I meant what are you doing without wearing a disguise?" 

"I didn't have time to think about all of that."

"Did you at least have sunglasses on before you barged in here?"

"That's not important right now."

"We can't be seen leaving here together. Are you out of your mind?"

"Chill, Y/N. He literally just said you have high blood pressure. Calm down. They have a back door we can use." But his dumbass still walked through the front! 

"Did anyone in the lobby recognize you? Was--" You were about to ask him if Doyoung was still there waiting, but decided not to at the last second. You didn't want to complicate things any more than they already were. "You're sure everything is fine?"

"No, everything isn't fine. You're sitting in a hospital bed instead of safe and sound in mine." 

You cringed and had butterflies at the same time. "Ew, please stop talking. And I want to go home after all of this. I'll be the most comfortable there."

Jaehyun sighed as he played with your fingers. He knew you didn't plan on officially moving in with him until after the baby was born, but it didn't stop him from trying to persuade  you whenever he could. "Fine. If that's what you want."

Dr. Renjun came back with the nurse and they managed to properly administer the tests whilst being starstruck in your fiancé's presence.  Nothing out of the ordinary could be seen during the ultrasound and your baby was doing just fine. However, you were still prescribed bed rest and told to take it easy.

Once you were back at home, Jaehyun couldn't stay like he wanted to and was only able to walk you to the door. His assistant was blowing up his phone and he couldn't ignore him or the rest of his responsibilities any longer, so he said his goodbyes and ripped himself away from you. You stayed in bed like you were told and fell asleep while watching an afternoon game show until your bladder woke you up a few hours later. 

After you did your business in the bathroom, you began your waddle back to your bed, but as soon as you placed your hand to pull back the covers, your doorbell rang. You huffed then called out for your brother to answer the door, but received no response. Then you remembered he had a date planned with his girlfriend and probably left home while you were asleep a long time ago. The doorbell rang again and you begrudgingly waddled your way to the intercom, only to see Yuta standing on the other side of the camera. 

”Yuta? What are you doing here?” you asked him after you cracked the door open just enough to reveal your face. 

“A little birdie told me that you went to the emergency room today. So I thought I’d come by and bring you some food to eat." He held up two plastic bags filled with to-go containers in each hand. "Get your spirits up," he said and tried to push the rest of your door open with his foot, but you blocked his way from entering your apartment. The only people that knew you went to the clinic were Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Ten, none of which were anywhere near being pals with Yuta. So him finding out any other way was very concerning. 

You narrowed your eyes at him. “A little birdie?” 

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you know. Tweet tweet,” he said flatly with no change in his voice. It was the manliest bird sound you had ever heard.

“Yuta.” You pushed the door on his foot between it and the door frame. You weren't letting him in without a proper explanation. 

“Ugh, okay! My kid and I were walking into the pediatric emergency room on the other side of the building and I saw you and Jaehyun walking out the back entrance from across the way," he said and wiggled his foot out of capture. "He���s really trying to be your first choice, yeah?”

Alarmed by what just so casually came out of his mouth (and completely ignoring his second statement), you let Yuta slide past you into your home with his bags of comfort food. “Oh my gosh! What happened? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, yeah he’s fine. He got into a scuffle at the soccer game. He was already missing his top two front teeth, but now he's missing the two on the sides of those." He ripped open the bag of food and began arranging the to-go boxes on your kitchen counter. "And he has a concussion thanks to my client’s son--who I’m beginning to suspect is not the age everyone thinks he is. That kid is huge! Are you interested in a new client? Because I’m about to drop this douchebag.”

“Oh no, Yuta! I’m sure it was an accident," you said doing your best to situate yourself on one of your bar stools. "And no, I don’t need another client. I'll be up to my neck in work once I come back from being on maternity leave. Wait a minute...why are you here and not at home with your son?!”

Yuta began opening the second bag. “Relax, relax. He’s with my parents. I had to go to the office and grab some files really quick since I have to work from home for a few days now to stay with him. I grabbed food right after and thought I’d swing by and bring some for you, too. Because I'm the best person ever."

“Our work never ceases, does it? I appreciate you thinking about me.” You opened one of the containers  and was delighted to see an assortment of your favorite buffet foods. All those lunch dates with Yuta had paid off. He knew exactly what to pile up into the cartons. “Yuta, you really are the best. Thank you!”

“No problem, baby cakes" He picked one of the plastic forks and began stuffing his face whilst still standing next to you. "So, the rabbit sent you to the ER for the second time, huh? What the hell is he doing to people in the courtroom?"

You sighed and you pierced multiple pieces of food onto your fork. "It wasn't him. There was a lot more information that was revealed about the case and I guess...my heart couldn't take it in the literal sense."

Yuta almost choked on his food, not having expected you to say something as drastic as that. "Are you serious? What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine now, It was just that everything that happened today was the final straw in making my blood pressure go up. Now I'm on lock down.”

"Damn. That sucks," he said between mouthfuls. "It sounds like it was a real mess."

"Hm, yes. It was a sight to see." You took a bite of your food. "Until, you know, my heart started beating out of sync and I couldn't really breathe." You took a moment to chew your food and swallow. "All of you guys are driving me nuts."

"Hey, you just said I'm your favorite." You definitely hadn't said that, but you didn't want to stop him from bringing you food again, so you let him believe whatever he wanted. "And since I'm the favorite, I have something I want to ask of you.”

“Anything for my favorite food delivery man.”

Yuta licked some sauce off his fork. “I’m thinking about asking your friend on a date." 

You ungracefully dropped the food you had scooped onto your fork. "Huh?"

"The pretty one that was the hostess at your baby shower. Y’know, Y/BFF/N. Can you give me her number please? I also wanted to get your input on what restaurant I should take her to. She’s a pâtissière so I don’t want to insult her palette.” You weren't expecting him to ask you this of all things! You thought he was going to ask you to babysit his son, not be his wingwoman!

“My best friend? Yuta, sweetie, please.” He couldn't be serious. And did he not think about how incredibly awkward it would be if your daughter turned out to be his? You laughed at the thought and absentmindedly popped a spring roll into your mouth with your left hand, unaware that you just flashed him your shiny secret.

Immediately, Yuta's eyes narrowed slightly when he noticed the ring, but pretended not to see it as something clicked inside his head. “Please what? Is there something wrong with her?”

“No! Of course not," you quickly corrected. "She’s fine."

“Why can’t I see her then?” He placed his hands on his hips and you couldn't overlook the rigid state of his body. 

“It’s not...that you can’t see her. I just know you, Yuta. And...I don’t want her to get hurt.” You knew how it must have sounded to him, but you didn't know how else to explain it. 

Of course he took offense, and now he was ticked off. “Why would I hurt her?”

You took a deep breath, not really wanting to have to spell it out for him. “You’re a player. A womanizer. She's not the type you can mess around with. She needs someone who's serious and you don’t know how to settle down.”

Yuta scoffed. “I don’t know how to settle--I’m divorced remember.”

“Yeah, but--“

“But what, Y/N? You think I was the reason it didn't work out, right?"

"That's not--"

"You think I went into my marriage without any feelings? You think I was just playing around and chose to get my heart broken? Do you honestly think I would voluntarily go through that shit again with somebody else?" 

You sat there speechless, stunned by such a visceral reaction you never expected to come from your coworker. The two of you used to talk about how he messed around all the time and how it would be a while until he would want to be in a real relationship again, but it never elicited this kind of reaction from him. Was he actually serious about dating your best friend? Or was it something else you said that had set him off? 

"I tried to make it work," Yuta continued. "Not just for me, but for my son, too. I stayed in that loveless marriage as long as I did all for my son’s sake. But it got to the point where I was tired of being emotionally manipulated. It was so bad I had to seek professional help. You didn’t know that, did you?"

“No…,” you said guiltily and casted your gaze to the floor. 

“And you never thought to ask either. You never once asked how the divorce affected me or how I was feeling. You just assumed I was a terrible excuse for a man." Your head popped back up and you vigorously shook your head to let him know that wasn't true, but he continued talking and didn't give you a chance to speak. "Yes, I sleep around, but according to my therapist I’m trying to fill a void. I was treated so badly by my ex-wife I seek out different people to sleep with to feel something, anything." He looked directly into your eyes and for the first time you had seen the ostensible melancholy he had tried so hard to mask behind his carefree exterior. "I was numb, Y/N. I was seeking purpose."

"Yuta, I...I'm sorry," you apologized. "I didn't mean to upset you."

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “Yeah, I know. It's just…after watching you go through all this shit with your baby, I realized I needed to change my ways. Not only in the event that she's mine, but to be a better example to my son, too. I'm serious about this, Y/N. I'm willing to commit to the baby. To you. To us. In whatever capacity that may be. Whether that be a co-parent or a friend. However you choose to use me.”

Now it was your turn for your eyes to narrow. Everything Yuta had said was reassuring to you until his last sentence. You didn't like the idea of what he was insinuating. “What do you mean by 'use you?'”

Yuta smirked now that he was the one to get under your skin. “I’m not stupid, Y/N. I know I’m not your top choice in being your child's father. And I damn sure know I’m not in the running to be entrusted with your heart.”

“Yuta, that’s not true."

“Don’t lie. I see the way you look at the other guys. Jaehyun specifically. Everyone else never had a chance. And what fucking sucks is that you continue to keep all of us on a string. If we stray away, then you can pull us right back in. And you absolutely thrive on that shit.”

“No I don’t!” You rolled your flannel sleeve down your arm in attempts to hide your engagement ring, but your efforts were in vain. He had already seen it. 

“But you do! Look at what you're doing right now! I'm not fucking blind!" He gestured his hand towards what you were doing with your sleeve causing you to freeze like a guilty deer in headlights. "You love this attention. That’s why you slept with all of us in a span of two weeks. Because you weren't getting enough attention from that poor guy you cheated on. But the really messed up thing about you is that once you're done with being scared of finding out who the father is and you read the results, if it's someone you don't want, or if it doesn't work out with your first guy of choice, then you have the rest of us on standby to maybe fall back on. And that's also the reason why you don’t want me to go after your friend. Speaking of which I don’t need your permission to do so, by the way because I already have her number. I just thought it would be polite to ask you first. But everything I said before that is why I hate you giving me shit for being a player when you’re absolutely doing the exact same thing.”

“Yuta…It's not like that…" No. Everything he had said was the truth. You didn't want to believe him. You didn't want it to be true. 

“It is. And if I didn’t truly care about you, then I wouldn’t be telling you about yourself right now." He braced his arms against the counter and let his head hang down between them. "That’s what a friend is supposed to do.”

You covered your face with your hands and slowly dragged them downwards as you tried to steady your breathing. You couldn't risk taking another trip to the hospital, but fortunately you had a pamphlet to aid you in this situation. How did a nice gesture of hand delivering food turn into an emotional rollercoaster of repressed feelings and self-realization. How did you always end up hurting the men you were involved with? 

“You can’t have all of us, Y/N," Yuta said as he lifted his head back up to look at you. "You can only have one.”

You remained silent. You often forget how smart Yuta was with the way he usually presented himself. He was very perceptive and his assumptions about you were spot on. He laid it out ever so clearly that it was time for you to self-reflect and do something about your actions. But you had already made your choice. You chose to spend the rest of your life with Jaehyun before even looking at the results of the paternity test. You didn't need to hold on to any of the other guys anymore. So why couldn't you let them go already? 

“I'm sorry I upset you in your current condition,"  Yuta said, cutting the silence. "I’ll make my exit.”

He pushed himself off of the counter and made his way to the door. But as you watched his retreating figure something inside you tugged hard on your heart strings. “Yuta, wait." He stopped walking to listen, but didn't turn around to face you. "You are up there. I’d give you my heart if it came down to it.”

Yuta let out a sardonic laugh. “If it came down to it? Listen to yourself. This is exactly what I was talking about.”

You had to bite your tongue. Maybe you should have left it alone and not said anything else. But you did love him, strictly speaking. He was always a good friend to you and you valued his honesty. Under different circumstances, maybe the two of you could have become something more. That's why you didn't want to let go. He was absolutely right after all. You didn't want to let go of any future possibilities. 

“What’s going on here?” asked Mark cutting through the heavy air between you and Yuta. You hadn’t even noticed his arrival into your apartment.

“Nothing. I‘m letting myself out.” Yuta patted Mark on his back before making the rest of his way to the door.

After the soft clicks of your automatic lock, Mark sat down next to you at the counter without saying a word, helping himself to the unfinished food in the containers abandoned by you and Yuta. After what felt like several moments you put your elbow onto the counter and rested your head in your hand. “You’re not going to ask what happened?” you went ahead and asked him. 

Mark fidgeted in his seat. “No... I mean I heard most of it outside.”

“Great," you said sarcastically. At least you didn't have to fill him in on what was said now. 

“And I agree with Yuta. You can’t have them all. You only have two options, really.”

“Only two options?” You turned your head, a puzzled expression on your face. You had yet to share your news with Mark or the rest of your family. Both you and Jaehyun had mutually decided to hold off on telling anyone so the two of you could experience it before everyone bombarded you with questions about the when and where of your wedding. It wouldn't be for you and Jaehyun to enjoy anymore. So like you did with Yuta, you decided to just listen to what your brother had to say. That was also another reason why you waited to share the news. Everyone was going to have something to say. 

“Yeah. Option one is choosing none of them, which I believe you forget you even have that option of doing.” You rolled your eyes while straightening up in your seat. “And option two is to pick only one of your fellows regardless if they share the same DNA with my niece or not.”

“Well, baby brother. Since I’m oh-so struggling to choose, whose team are you on?“

“I’m actually team none of them. They all suck. Move on and let them all go.” That was unexpected.

“Woah, that’s how you’re feeling now?”

“Think about it. You already put Taeyong in his place at the shower. Johnny had already put himself in a place since he's still with his girlfriend. Taeil is having mad mood swings. And Yuta may have just put you in the friend zone.”

You visibly frowned at his last statement. “And the others?” 

“I think Doyoung has learned his lesson and turned a new leaf, but you wouldn’t know because you keep dodging him.”

“And for good reason. You do remember what he put me through, right?"

"Yeah, I still don't like him." 

You rolled your eyes. "But you like Jaehyun. You’ve been rooting for us this whole time.”

Mark hesitated and focused all of his attention on picking up another piece of food. “I’m allowed to change my opinion.”

“Yes, you are…" Something wasn't right about the way your brother was acting. "Mark, what's wrong?” He took a deep breath and fidgeted in his seat some more before absentmindedly pulling your arm to hold your hand. Unfortunately, it was the one with the giant rock on it. “Speak!”

“I was arrested tonight,” he blurted.

You blinked slowly as you processed the words that came out of your brother's mouth. You could feel your pulse quickening in your veins. “What? Why? Why didn’t you call me?! Mark, what the hell?!”

“Y/N, calm down and let me explain. I was in Taeil's car and I was pulled over by two cops because I didn’t have the headlights on.”

“A lack of headlights shouldn’t cause you to get arrested! Who were the officers? I’m going to give the police station a very stern phone call!” 

“Y/N, wait. The headlights not being on was just the icing on the cake to a car that had been reported stolen.”

With your increasing confusion, your entire face morphed into an expression that was almost cartoonish. “Reported stolen? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would his car be reported stolen if he let you borrow it?”

Mark hesitated once again, still attempting to tip toe through this entire conversation. “Because the car technically doesn’t belong to him...It belongs to Jaehyun.” 

You were rendered speechless. 

“And from the looks of things, you belong to him now, too.” You followed Mark’s gaze to the ring on your finger then pulled your hand away from him. 

”I don’t belong to anyone,” you said slightly offended. 

Mark stood up and began to pace in the space in front of you. “How much do you really even know about Jaehyun, Y/N? Sure, he’s your client and all but did you actually get to know him personally to see what type of person he was before you let him stick it--“

“Mark!” You couldn’t believe your ears.

“Sorry! I just...My head is so messed up right now. Why is Taeil’s car in Jaehyun’s name? Why was the car reported stolen? And why did that guy come to my rescue and not Jaehyun?”

“Guy? What guy?”

“This guy that looked about my age with pushed back black hair, rectangular glasses, and when he smiled his eyes turned into crescents. He was really friendly and all that, but I was so frazzled from being arrested I didn’t catch his name when he introduced himself to me.”

You mulled over the description and could only think of one person in relation to Jaehyun. “Jeno? If so, that’s Jaehyun’s assistant.”

“I must have missed that part, too.”

“Jaehyun tends to send Jeno a lot of places on his behalf. That’s not unusual, Mark.”

“Okay. But he could have at least come to save his future brother-in-law in person.”

“Don’t take it personally. I was with him earlier. He was very busy today, hence why Jeno was probably sent. You’re thinking too hard.“

“And you’re not thinking hard enough! You mean to tell me Jaehyun didn’t know his own cousin had his car this whole time, let alone let me borrow it constantly? Make it make sense, Y/N!

“Mark--“

“And why did Jeno, IF that is his real name, know to bring me here? Has he been to your condo before?”

“Not physically, no. Jeno knows—“

“Everything, clearly!”

You hobbled off of the bar stool to go strangle your brother into calming down. “Mark, let's be grateful the situation didn’t escalate into something worse. Jaehyun cleared it up with the police and Jeno brought you home to me in one piece. I’ll call Jaehyun and we can have all this sorted out so both you and I can have peace of mind.”

“But, Y/N--“

“Mark, please. My key is on the table by the door. Take them and go back on your date. I'm sure your girlfriend is worried about you.”

“How the hell do you expect me to just go on like all of this didn't just happen?” Your brother protested. 

"Don't worry yourself with my problems. Go live your life," you begged him and started pushing him towards the door. 

"Alright, alright! I'll go. Let me go take a leak first." Mark reached into his pockets then pulled out his wallet and phone. He tossed them onto the counter, but before the items landed, pieces of paper folded together flew out and slid underneath the refrigerator. 

“Hey, Mark, wait. You dropped something. It went under the fridge,” you told him and pointed in that direction.

He went to retrieve the pieces of paper thinking they were receipts that fell out of his wallet, but once he picked them up and felt the thickness of the parchments he knew otherwise. Curious, he unfolded them, and immediately frowned upon seeing what was printed on them. 

"What now?" you asked him, not in the mood for anymore surprises for the day. 

“They're photos," he said and began looking at them one by one. 

“Of what?”

“One of Yuta," he started, but paused to look up at you. "In the same outfit he had on a minute ago."

"What?"

He looked back down at the pictures in his hands. "And one of Hendery your doorman. And one of...you and Doyoung at the ER? You went to the ER today?!”

“Let me see those.”

You walked over to him and took the photos from his hands. You fully took in the picture of Doyoung dressed in his lucky suit walking you into the emergency clinic, the fuzzy image of Yuta in his son’s soccer team branded T-shirt getting out of his car at the same clinic, and sure enough, the third picture was your character of a doorman walking your handbag to the elevator. But rather than the blatant and disturbing breech of your privacy, what stood out to you the most was the watermark located at the very bottom of the photo next to the timestamp.

Y!Y.

“Go into my bedroom and pull out the yellow envelope from under my mattress,” you instructed your brother.

Although perturbed, Mark acted without hesitation and did as he was told. When he returned, you dumped the contents of the envelope onto the counter. “What’s all this?” he asked and picked up one of the new pictures. 

“Doyoung’s baby shower gift.” You decided to leave out the part about Winwin having them taken. You didn’t want to override your brother's brain with anymore new shocking information. “Take a look at these photos and tell me what you see in common?”

“Woah, Kun moved on fast!”

“That was taken when he was sosay on his conference trip. I confronted him about that today during the trial.”

“Kun's trial was today?!”

“Mark, focus!”

“Okay, okay. Yeah. The watermark symbol is the same. Are they letters or numbers? Looks like two Y's, maybe? Or an inverted tree?”

“Where did you get these from?”

Mark gawked at you in offense. “I’ve never seen these before! Why would I have secret photos of you and the men you’ve slept with?”

Something in that last sentence lit a light bulb inside your mind. “Say that again.”

“I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that," he frantically tried to apologize. 

"No, but you're right. These are all men I've had relations with."

Your brother's eyes almost fell out of his head. "You slept with Hendery, too?!

"Fuck no! He just talks to me often and probably got snapped because we're friendly towards one another." You looked back at the array of photos, switching into work mode as you tried to piece together the evidence. “Do you think these were in Taeil’s car?" you asked him. "Maybe you pulled them out from the glove compartment by accident when searching for the registration?”

“No. I’m in that car more than Taeil and I make sure it’s nice and tidy before I return it. I’ve cleaned that car multiple times to know those photos were not there. And remember it’s Jaehyun’s car.”

You rolled your eyes, but continued searching through various scenarios inside your head. Were these pictures planted on your brother? When would he have come into contact with anyone who could possibly have taken them? He'd only been to the police station since he had left your home. And how did this connect to what Winwin had said at the trial? Did he pay the same person to follow all of the other men you’d slept with? Just then, his guilty and sorrow filled eyes flashed across your mind. The look on his face when he stated his testimony, it was almost as if it pained him to say it. Like he was being forced to say it...

 “Okay, then. What happened on the way from the police station? You got into Jeno’s car and then what?”

“I was still kind of freaking out so I don’t really remember.”

“Mark, I'm going to need you to tap into that short-term memory of yours. Try to remember.”

“Alright, umm. Well, I got into his black car, spacious interior, tan leather seats--“

“I know what the car looks like! Were there other things inside that you noticed? Was Jeno a little off or anything to you?”

“No, nothing really happened. I sat in the car and he just started driving me here. We didn’t talk much during the trip except the part where he said not to mention this to you right away because it might upset you and the baby.“

“He said that?”

“Yeah, but I guess that makes sense. Jaehyun probably told him about your ER visit. You know. The one you didn't even tell your own brother about!" 

"I would have told you eventually."

"Yeah, right." Mark waved his hand dismissively. "But obviously I didn’t listen. Because you’re my sister and I don’t like keeping stuff from you, because I know if I did you’d kick my ass once you’d find out, and I--“

“Shut up. What else happened? What happened when you got here?”

Mark crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side as he shifted his weight on his feet. “Some asshole pulled out the gate right in front of us and Jeno slammed on the brakes." His head snapped up straight and grim realization washed over his face. "And you know I keep your gate key in my wallet? So when we jerked forward, my phone and wallet flew off my lap and landed on a bunch of papers he had thrown around on the floor of the car. I must have gotten the photos from his car when I picked up my stuff!”

So the pictures weren't planted on your brother, but did that mean they were planted on Jeno? Or was Jeno the person they belonged to? It made more sense for them to be planted considering who he was the assistant for. Jaehyun was likely to have more than a few paparazzi on his trail at any given moment, and you had been spending a lot of time in public with him recently. You were always paranoid about this happening with you and him one day. If Winwin originally hired this person to follow and take pictures of all the men in your life, and your secret relationship with Jaehyun was found out, was Y!Y now trying to use the photos as blackmail against Jaehyun? But that didn't explain why Jeno also had the pictures of Yuta and his son at the ER. And there was still the matter of Taeil's car being reported stolen.

Mark gripped his forearms and looked at you with scared eyes. "Y/N, I don't have a good feeling about any of this."

You didn't answer him and continued to stare at the watermark on one of the photos, still trying to recall where you may have seen it before. Sometimes your clients' cases require the use of private investigators, and you were sure you had never worked with this individual before. So if you hadn't seen the logo in one of your own cases, then it must have been in someone else's. 

You picked up your phone off the counter and navigated to your contacts with lightning speed. As you tapped the name on the screen and put the phone to your ear, Mark restarted pacing in front of you. 

The call was answered on the third ring. “—that her calling you?" asked a female voice in the background of the call. 

"No, babe. It’s Yuta. He said he was gonna call me later about a case. I'll just be a minute.” You heard some ruffling and and a jingle of a bell before the sound of a door being closed. “Hi," he addressed you finally. "Thanks for saving me from picking out flowers. I didn’t expect to hear from you today. Everything cool? What’s up?”

Normally you would have commented on everything you just heard transpire on the line, but you were too focused on the task at hand to care about him lying to his girlfriend about who was calling him. “Hey, Johnny. A lot of your clients come to you with PI services already in motion or you hire them yourself. Does someone who uses two Y's with an exclamation point in the middle ring any bells? I feel like I’ve seen their work with some of your cases specifically.”

He went silent on the line as he tried to visualize the logo in his mind. “Oh, yeah! That’s Yangyang. He takes photos of all types of dirt these celebrities do just about anywhere on the planet. He’s multilingual, too, so he can get work almost anywhere. Why? Do you need him to spy on Jaehyun for you?" Johnny laughed after his joke, but you didn't find it funny in your current situation. "He won’t spy on any of us non-celebrity folks. There’s no money in that. Unless you're ready to spend the big bucks.”

His last statement made your skin crawl and you grabbed onto your brother's arm and pulled him towards you to use him as support and to make him stop moving. “No, I just came across his watermark in one of my clients' files and I got curious.”

“Yeah, that's him. He doesn’t do honest work, but he’s harmless.” 

"John! Get back in here!" You heard the sound of the bell jingling and the door reopening before his girlfriend called him back into what you assumed was a flower shop. 

“I gotta go," he said and hung up the phone before you could give him your thanks or tell him goodbye. 

You slowly put down your phone then continued to stare into nothing as you sat in deep thought about the worst possible scenario you could think of. 

"Sis?" Mark tried to get your attention. You had started squeezing his arm and your silence really worried him. "What did Johnny--"

“Mark," you said his name authoritatively, snapping your head to face him. "I need you to go poop or whatever it is you need to do, go on your date, and forget any of this happened.”

“Are you serious?" he asked and jerked his arm away from you. "How am I supposed to focus on my date, now? I got arrested for no reason tonight and you have someone fucking watching you, Y/N!” Your brother was at wits end and you felt so sorry for all the shit you were putting him through. This was the exact reason why you wanted him to just ignore everything. 

“Look. Let me handle this. I don't want to get you involved anymore.”

“Your due date is around the corner and this could be dangerous! What can you possibly do now?”

“I can do whatever it is I need to do! Now please. Go be bothered with taking care of your girlfriend and making sure she's safe and happy or something.”

“Ugh, I can't believe this." Mark threw his arms in the air then turned to walk down the hallway towards the guest bedroom where he had been staying for the past few weeks. You heard the door slam behind him, then a muffled, angry, apology from him stating that he didn't mean to close it that hard. 

You took a deep breath and picked up your phone again to dial another number. As it rang, you rested your elbows against the counter and closed your eyes while you took several more breaths waiting for the person who was taking forever to pick up. 

“What," he answered curtly. He probably didn't want to answer you at all, but lost the battle with his conscience.

“Yuta," you tirelessly exhaled his name. "How far away are you?”

"...why?" He hesitated before asking because of the way you sounded, but he still had an edge to his voice. 

“I know we parted ways on bad terms, but I really need your help right now.”

"What happened?" A majority of his animosity was replaced with concern. "You okay? Are you going into labor right now?"

"No, it's not that. I…I need you to come get me and take me to Jaehyun’s house."

“What the fuck?" You knew he'd react that way. Maybe it would have been better to lead in with your reasoning first. 

"Yuta--"

"Are you really fucking asking me to--"

"No, listen! If you help me, I'll help woo my friend--"

"Oh, so I can date her only if I help you with some bullshit--"

"No! You can do whatever you want! You can date her and even marry for all I care," you pleaded with him. "Please, Yuta. This is really, really important.”

“Woah, now hold on." He wasn't expecting you to take it that far. And the fact that you did made him even more concerned. "You said the 'marry' word. This really is serious. What’s wrong?”

"I found out some things and I need some clarification. But I will fill you in on everything while you take me there. Please come back."

"Alright, but can’t pretty boy come get you himself? I refuse to be a personal chauffeur for a booty call. Plus, won’t that hurt the baby?”

You smiled to yourself and shook your head, glad to hear the he was back to his normal, silly self. But your smile quickly faded. “No, I’m trying to show up announced. I think...I think someone might be up to something.”

“Ooh, shit. Okay. I'm turning around now. I’ll be there in fifteen.”

Upon ending the call, you heard Mark flush the toilet before he returned to the kitchen. Without looking at you, he angrily grabbed his wallet and phone off the counter and then walked to the small table by the front door to grab your car key. But before he walked out the door, he addressed you. "You better call me if something  happens. Anything." And with that, your brother opened the door and begrudgingly left you and your mayhem to try and salvage the rest of his date night. 

You stood there alone in your kitchen for the remainder of time until Yuta texted you of his arrival. You were confused, sad, and angry. But most of all you were afraid. You were afraid that your brief period of happiness was about to become tremendously harder to enjoy or worse--taken away from you all together. Absentmindedly, you nervously spun your engagement ring around your finger as you ran through all the possible scenarios in your mind for the umpteenth time. There was only one way to confirm any of the suspicions you now had. You just hoped that the one you feared the most wasn't the one to happen to be true. 

For other chapters, see the masterlist.

Oof. Oop. 🤷🏽‍♀️

We know this is a lot to process, but we would love to have any feedback, comments, insights, whatever, We feel like y’all are gonna want to talk about this, lol.

- C&D

[johnnydeppfuckyeah]

Abuse a Man Unjustly, and You Will Make Friends for Him

“Tell the world Johnny, tell them, I Johnny Depp, a man, I’m a victim too of domestic violence… And see how many people believe or side with you.”

A survivor of hellacious abuse, who was falsely accused of being the abuser, has gone above and beyond to prove his innocence. Despite the profuse amount of evidence in his favor he still is not being believed in the court of public opinion. He did everything and more that one would expect from an abused party. Detailed notes in the form of gruesome photographs, video footage, medical records, audio confessions from his abuser, fleeing the area when violence would erupt, sinking into the bowels of depression as those around watched and could do almost nothing to help or stop it.

This man begged for there to be no more violence. He pleaded with his abuser, “there can be no physical violence..” in the audio tape. “Don’t tell me what it feels like to be punched”, as she tried to redefine his words and experience for him. “I lost a finger man..” He reminds her as she chastises him wildly for insinuating he is a victim of anything at all. The first tape is the result of couples therapy according to the accompanying documentation. We also know he was seeking professional help for his addiction issues. He was trying to change and do better for her. Little did he know at the time it would never be enough. There is nothing he could have done that would ever satisfy her lust for violence, nothing that would have made her stop abusing him. In fact he’s lucky to have gotten out when he did because in all likelihood it would have only continued to get worse for him. Amber Heard is a sick individual who lacks self control and thrives on brutality and combativeness. She is only truly living when she is sucking the life out of someone.

She managed to insert her tortuous ways into his opioid detox by withholding medication from him that would send him into spasms. This is an act that easily could have killed him by triggering him to go into cardiac arrest, not that she likely would have cared much if it had. She sought vengeance on him at all times. Her jealousy and envy of him and everything that he’s accomplished, everything that he has, and everything that he is are unmatched. Certainly by anything I’ve ever encountered anyhow. She didn’t just want what he had but I believe she truly want to be him. Right down to the cheekbones. She dressed like him, she mimicked him, she pretended to be interested in his interests. She tried to turn herself into a female version of him and lured him into her villainous talons. A literal siren.

Johnny Depp has several very impactful witness statements but the one that stands out most to me is from Tara Roberts in the Bahamas. She is his property manager there and has known him and his family for over a decade. She talks about watching a man that she knew as jovial, active, and family oriented suddenly resort to sleeping all day and becoming more reclusive. She goes on to describe several events which took place with Amber on the island, one of which sees Johnny fleeing his home on his ATV just to get away from her monstrous behavior. It proves futile as she catches up with him anyhow, continuing to attack and berate him at length. This man was fleeing his own homes to escape her on a regular basis. His security guards attest to this, having to pick him up from the Eastern Building on multiple occasions after a Heard rampage and taking him back to his West Hollywood home. Heard wanted him to stay and take her abuse because it only made her more angry for him to leave. She became enraged because he refused to stay and be her personal punching bag. It’s vomitous that anyone holds this woman up as a pillar of justice for women when in truth she is the voice of abusers everywhere.

She and her supporters try to say his witnesses are unimportant because they’re his employees. Taking into account that there are over forty of them are we really to believe that all these people agreed to be bought off with not a single soul showing conscience? Beyond that not a single soul ratting the others out and turning on them all? To the contrary several of Amber Heard’s friends have pivoted on her. Her interior decorator and friend Laura Divenere submitted a declaration that Amber had never spoken of domestic violence nor did she ever appear injured in Laura’s presence. We have recntly learned that her own personal assistant will be testifying against her in The Sun trial as well. Not one person from Johnny Depp’s camp has flipped sides. Out of all the people he has spent significant time with in his life not one person has stepped up behind Amber’s claims to echo any sentiment of violence. I don’t mean the inaneness that will inevitibly be brought up if I don’t mention — The Mark Hotel incident, the paparazzi incident with Vanessa Paradis, the crew member on City of Lies who was already proven to be a liar multiple times. I’m talking about claims of true personal violence against someone he was romantically involved with. The time was more than ripe after Amber accused him and not one other woman came forward, in fact they all defended him. I find that astonishing in a marvelous way. Character profiles are extremely important here as abusers usually have a pattern over many years. There is one person in this relationship with a pattern of abuse and abusive behavior. Hint: it’s not Johnny Depp. There is also one person here on whom you can easily find distasteful comments about meeting, interacting, and working with. Hint again: it’s not Johnny Depp.

There’s so much here already and I know we, the public, have not even seen a drop in the ocean compared to what Johnny Depp has in his possession and evidence. People aren’t thinking about that though. They see everything that comes out as some kind of diabolical “leak” from his side, designed only to slander Heard in the media. They don’t realize where these leaks come from. In the United States we have the Freedom of Information Act. All of this documentation is available to the public for anyone who cares to go and look. In the UK I understand the laws are a bit different but a member of the press can go and request the records be released to them. Why would he deny it? He has everything to lose by not being 100% open during both of these proceedings. The antithesis to this is anything coming from Heard’s camp. Anything she (or her lawyers) releases is seen as the smoking gun and people seem to forget there are two recordings out where she professes her lunacy to him let alone two trials looming with an exorbitant amount of evidence yet to be revealed. To be clear, what’s come from her side has been feeble attampts at character assassination and pathetic bids to make him a sniveling, mustache twirling, villain more than anything of real value to her case -which she only states she’ll prove, “if necessary.”

Amber Heard has now requested in both the defamation lawsuit in Virginia and The Sun suit in the UK that her evidence be kept private. In the US that request has already been denied along with two attempts to have the case dismissed flat out. She has a third dismissal attempt still pending as of this writing. That just doesn’t sound like someone who wants to prove their claims beyond a reasonable doubt. It sounds like someone who wants to shut the whole thing down by any means necessary because they cannot substantiate what they say. The courts even agreed in 2016, she can never refile these domestic abuse claims against Johnny Depp and she had hired a criminal defense attorney at that time. Does that not sound suspect to anyone else? She’s been subpoenaing irrelevant people, productions, and companies left and right. She also avoided sitting for a deposition like it was the coronavirus. After multiple excuses and delays they finally got her into the room where she threw a nine hour temper tantrum and refused to be questioned under oath. It was ultimately completed and what has come out of it doesn’t look good for her either.

She has contradicted her own stories so many times I don’t even know where to begin. For starters she seems to not remember when she got married or when her honeymoon was. She stated she only ever hit Johnny one time in defense of her “baby sister” whom she suggests he was about to push down the stairs. We now know, thanks to her deposition and audio confessionals, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. She wholly admitted to multiple violent attacks against him along with the throwing of pots, pans, cans, and vases. She admitted to kicking a door into his head while he was hiding from her in a bathroom and proceeding to punch him in the jaw directly after. Other’s have declared they’ve seen her violently assault him, spit on him, throw purses, and heavy TV remotes to name a few. The list is frankly and sadly endless, and when all is said and done I can’t imagine that Amber Heard comes out smelling like anything less than a thousand year old egg. Johnny may never be fully redeemed by all, just look at the reaction to the absurd necromancer text, some genuinely believe a man must be without any fault to be a victim. He will have his day(s) in court and he will prove himself.

Please feel free to look up any of her declarations and filings to verify the information stated here. I don’t often use a ton of citations but that’s because I assume the base of my readers to be people who are intimately familiar with the case already.

Johnny Depp is a very powerful man, just not in the way the media wants you to believe. Although it may not always seem like it, Depp has made friends around the world throughout this ordeal. People who are victims of abuse have flocked to his side after seeing what, to them, seemed like extremely obvious proof that he was the victim. Men have begun speaking up for themselves about violence they have suffered at the hands of their significant others. They no longer feel ashamed or put down because a woman laid hands on them and inflicted injury, sometimes very seriously. If nothing else Johnny should be extremely proud of himself for speaking up. It may well have been the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life and people should take him seriously. He should take pride that he influenced a large number of people to speak out about their own experiences and find catharsis with him in finally letting it out. He should be proud for giving people hope and he should be proud that he survived and continues to thrive and fight for what’s right. I hope that even in his darkest moments, and when he might be feeling most alone, he can find that one little synapse in his mind that reminds him that we are all here for him, and that he has been there for us. Johnny Depp is innocent. Johnny Depp is a survivor. Johnny Depp will have justice and Johnny Depp has already begun to rise from the ashes of this hideous ordeal. May the film offers pour in and the musical fulfilment be never ending. The best is yet to come.

[mantra4ia]

Desires: Lucifer season 5 on Netflix

Created: August 21, 2020. Last Modified: August 22, 2020.

Preface: Alright my Lucis, here’s the sitch: it’s been a minute. Life got a bit chaotic I wasn’t able to start season five quite on time when it premiered on August 21st because I haven’t finished the great 2020 Lucifer rewatch. I’m nearly done however and should be able to jump into it either later today or tomorrow, which is why beforehand I want to — as I’ve traditionally done for a few seasons — create a desires list and keep a tally throughout the season to see how many are met. I am going to try to pace myself, not binge, and watch a single episode a day so don’t spoil me. Likewise I will tag my spoilers. Here we go... #21DaysofLucifer

Season 3 and 4 Roundout - Desires Fulfilled / Questions Answered

✔We’ve seen other demons “like Maze” and a bit of what havoc they can reek. Well sort of. To be quite frank, although it was cool to see them possess the recently deceased, it wasn’t as impending doom as I was expecting. They didn’t seem nearly as disciplined or intimidating as Mazikeen, even Dromos, more bored and desperate.

✔ We’ve seen a little more or the heavenly host in Remiel. Remi was cool, if a bit intense. Her character, and her affinity to Amenadiel was a nice foil to see how far his character has come in evolution. But again like Uriel was for Lucifer, she kind of became a driving force character device to push Amenadiel’s growth. So I wonder if we’ll get to see more of her or not.

✔ (s3) The backstory of Lucifer’s arrival in LA, finding LUX, and making a deal with Amenadiel.

✔ (s3) Cain finally went to hell, YES! Not that I didn’t like Marcus Pierce/Tom Welling, there were some great interactions there, but I just think he was a wishy-washy antagonist based on how he was written and I can’t wait to trade up for Michael.

✔ Maze finally had some happiness and attachment to this silly mortal coil and it slipped away! Why Eve why? I love Maze’s bonding with humans, Linda, Trixie, Chloe. But I love that after a Millennia of serving, and then watching Amenadiel and Linda be happy in a family unit, that she might actually make her own and my hopes were dashed. 

Things we got that we didn’t even know we wanted. SO GOOD:

Season 4 ep 8: Amenadiel bonding with Caleb and confronting community violence, police brutality, and systemic racism. It was a rough episode to be sure, but absolutely needed,

Chloe talking Lucifer down and out of a self-hatred spiral and his transformation into full-fledged devil and back again.

Lucifer playing Creep on repeat while missing the detective (even after insisting in a therapy session that “he’s not a teenager playing Adele on repeat) and Mr. Said Out B**** trying to rob Lucifer and gun point and ultimately get rich. What a fun twist.

The Dan and Maze Los X’s fight. They are wicked good at laying down the  hurt on the criminal element and I was wondering when they’d pair up again after dispatching Warden Perry.

The devil in a bar fight! I mean, it’s only fair since the ladies had their brawl. I love how this fight sequence was filmed in bursts of slo-mo from various angles, involved everything from fists, to tasers, knives, bottles, and the infamous pool cue, and they picked the perfect song for pacing (Jake Bugg, Lightning Bolt, could listen to it all day on repeat.)

Time for all good demons to go home / Enough, you will bow down to your king. Go home! (aka appropriate use of Devilish intimidation face)

Amenadiel vs Remi 

A Rocky montage with Lucifer and Amenadiel / Amenadiel’s face the first time Lucifer drives the Corvette

Lucifer at the roller derby

Chloe the YA fangirl

Maze teaching Trixie about knives, with each handle decorated in a different toy.

Amenadiel and Chloe catching up: your father is so proud of you. Like and angel BOSS!

SEASON HIGHLIGHTS:

★ (s3) Amenadiel taking Charlotte home

★ Dan being comforted in his grief by Amenadiel

★ Amenadiel’s wrath and the brotherly duo tag team to lay the hurt on the drug dealer that got Charlie killed. It’s been a while since we’ve seen warrior angel ready to dispatch anyone in his way. And it was glorious!

★ (s3) Lucifer’s almost driving lesson with Trixie “Morningstar”

★ (s3) Maze torturing Lucifer by making him think he’s the Angel of San Bernadino

★ (s3) Amenadiel and Lina helping to dispose of Lucifer’s wings

★  Lucifer kicking Julian, Tiernan’s son, through a glass pane window

★ The goodbye kiss between Lucifer and Chloe

 DIDN’T LIKE:

☒ (s3) Cain playing guitar and singing. What is he, a crime lord, a top cop, or an act that the improv club wouldn’t take? 

☒ Eve. I liked Eve, but we mostly got to see one side of her around Lucifer, and a kind of floundering an confused side when she was with Maze. The side that I would have liked to see more of was the maternal side that came out when she briefly talked about Abel or was interrogated by Trixie. That made her more layered.

☒ Father Kinley. That dude is just meh.

☒ Dan’s broken heart and rebounding with Ella. Don’t get me wrong, its a good arc, but I don’t see it lasting

☒ (s3) Abel and Reese. Those were two side stories I could have done without, although they had great moments of humor. I quite enjoyed Reese’s character, and although I didn’t like Abel Lucifer’s stick-figure comic illustration of Cain fighting with him over a rock was quite enjoyable.

WHAT I TRULY DESIRE: SINFUL SEASON 5, my BURNING QUESTIONS, and SPECULATIONS

Obviously, don’t spoil anything for me, but if any of my desires end up coming true in any of the first eight episodes maybe drop me a hint in the comments...

A big time jump. We need to see the lasting impact of Lucifer’s absence. I know that time in hell works differently per that episode where Lucifer saved Chloe and almost got stuck in a loop, but we still need enough time to elapse that the impact is felt on the mortal side. Or, we need to see the passage of time through a series of events without Lucifer, like a montage of character development. At least a year or so, if for no other reason then Trixie is growing up and I actually want to see her take driving lessons with Lucifer.

Last season Maze gave baby Charlie a gift, something she’d wished she’d had growing up, and previously had alluded to the language of demons, her many siblings, and teased her mother, the mother of all demons. Will we finally get to meet Maze’s mom Lilith (or however they address her)? And, in spite of Mazikeen’s found family, she still has restlessness and abandonment issues. Will her mom finally finally bring her peace, or will clashing with her resolidify Maze’s purpose on earth?

A Decker/Mazikeen team-up or girls night out 2.0 would always be appreciated. At this point its probably 4.0 if you count the bar fight and the bachelorette party.

Will we see tougher, scarier demons, or are they just warmup to the really scary depths of hell?

Speaking of hell, more hell. Tons of hell. I want to know the minutia of all the mechanics. If Lucifer’s gotta be down there in self-imposed exile, he may as well show us around. Pour us a drink.

Will Lucifer see Cain in Hell? Not that I’m dying to see more of “sad Cain” but it would be interesting to see a more dark or desperate or cunning side to him at least now that he’s actually neck deep in torment. Or, alternatively, I’m hedging my bets that he could be a good candidate to light the fire under Lucifer’s *** to get of hell back to the earthly realm. Even in hell, I’m betting Cain would have a soft spot for Chloe, and if news reached Lucifer that Michael were trying to abscond with his life and with Chloe, it would give Cain and Lucifer one last bit of “A-Hole brothers” common ground to bond over. Like “Brothers, am I right? Go kick, get Chloe back, I’ll still have enough guilt to torture me with in a few thousand years when you get back,”   

Will Lucifer fall into peril in hell of once again potentially getting distracted and stuck in a hell loop? Will his servants be satisfied with his return? Will Amenadiel bust him out.

Mr. Said Out Bitch needs a role reprise. He’s been in every season opener 2-4, we’ve gotten to know his undergarments very well.  Its high time we get to know his name and story. He’s put in the work!  

Amenadiel should be running LUX in Lucifer's absence. We got a tease of that in previous seasons (remember when he asked what would Lucifer do?) its time for that to come to fruition. Plus, any excuse to put DB Woodside in a suit, just because he wears them so well. It would also be interesting if, after that tragedy he’s experienced, Amenadiel will start taking after Luci. Maybe not the punishing, not yet, but wanting to seek out evil and corruption. It has been teased since s1 “fall as I did.” Perhaps he’ll start developing a taste for his bother’s line of work whereas he found it repugnant in the early days

Dan and Maze or Dan and Ella pair up. Both Dan and Maze are due for some happiness.

An Azrael reboot, when need more of her. She’s the angel of Death for pity’s sake. I don’t know if the original actress is still available or if they would have to recast, or if the character concept by Netflix would even be the same, but I need Azrael to be capable of sweet and unassuming and on a coin flip downright menacing.

More of Lucifer as a godparent, bless! And maybe a cool montage of “cousin” Trixie and Lucifer co-babysitting Charlie please.

Whilst on the subject of Lucifer and parenting, and without putting Trixie too much into harm’s way, I need to see what “I would do anything to protect that little urchin” looks like. Trixstar ride or die.

Father Frank, come back! I need a cameo or recurrent role pleeeeease.

Trixie in every episode. This is non-negotiable, much like chocolate cake. Beatrice is an all-star. In fact, I’ve decided that when Dad/God finally does show up, Trixie needs to be the one to get to know him / introduce him first. She’s been captain on the celestial cheer squad for four seasons, she’s earned this.

Who's going to see through Michael's facade first? I mean, I know that trailer shows Maze torturing it out of him, but as far as intuition goes, I've got a 50/50 split between Trixie and Linda, with an honorable mention to Dan.

If Michael is Lucifer's twin, does he have the same angelic compulsion skill set? Or something different? And will it work on Chloe or is she universally immune?

A “be like Mike” pop-culture reference. ******Spoilers: ******* all the trailers have revealed Michael already, so they owe us this for letting the steam out.

As far as pop-culture, how many movie and TV references will we get from Lucifer and ensemble this year? I expect A-game, from sci-fi to 80s action, on par with the previous likes of Parent Trap, Star Wars, Home Alone, Kim Possible, and Rocky.

Will Amenadiel’s necklace make a reappearance, even after he put it around Caleb’s neck in the morgue? Heavenly artifacts have a way of causing trouble in this show.

Will what finally learn what, if any, significance there is to Lucifer’s ring? Again, as all my fictional writings will attest, I really kind of want it to be a stolen little trinket from him Dad.

Plot twist: will we get to see Hell and the silver city all in one season, or is that too devilishly good to ask? It would be intriguing if Lucifer fell from Heaven for rebelling and now some threat like, for example, the mother of demons would pose a threat to the gates such that Lucifer was called upon to defend them. Not expecting anything Endgame level with a host of Angels popping up like sorcerers...but it is food for the imagination.

Plot twist: will Michael, duplicitous twin that he is, be revealed as the reason that Lucifer does not lie and can’t stand liars? Will be get a Michael back story? Is he perhaps the true rebellious son? see: my original fan conjecture here.

Additional links to previous recaps, roundouts and wishlists: 

Season 1: Best Moments // Season 2: Predictions, Desires, Roundout, Best Moments // Season 3: Speculations, Quick-shot summary 

[valiancyvulnerability]

A Reflection and an Apology

I do not know where to begin.

In my attempt to begin, I hope you are doing well and are in a good mental space. “Things” continue to be difficult during this time; it’s frigidly cold, and there are a multiplicity of reasons to not be okay lately, if that is the case for you.

I went MIA for a long while because I foolishly fell into a self-inflicted trap once my mental health seemed to be improving during the fall semester. I had fully convinced myself that I had no other advice to offer, I had no reason to heal thru typing my jumbled thoughts onto a computer screen, and that, my friends, was a mistake I deeply regret.

Once I had become fully adjusted to college life, I was felt truly comfortable and at ease. I involved myself in extra-curriculars, made a handful of friends, and started eating again. I remember telling my therapist at my last appointment before school that I would call her a month into the semester to check in, but I never dialed her number. I ghosted her all of first semester because it felt as if therapy was something for me to temporary utilize when I am not doing well, and I was doing, so what was the point?

A toxic part of my personality is that I choose to believe that I can solve all problems alone. In all aspects of my life, that has always been the case. Give me an issue--and I am quick to get my ass in gear and think of the most reasonable solution to execute. I was not cognizant at the time that this was playing a principal role in how I viewed my own “healing”. I was not relying on anyone else other than Carson to get better, and once I got to a convincing enough spot, I ran with it and gave myself a pat on the back. Gold star. This was all me, and simply because I got results, it seemed healthy at the time.

Once the end of October rolled around, there was a sudden turbulence that didn’t seem to be the result of anything specific. I started to slip with my schoolwork, I engaged in hour-long staring contests with the ceiling, I locked myself in my room all day and took frequent unnecessary naps, and I stopped eating once more. Back at square one. Friends and family reached out, but it all sounded like white noise to me. I have possessed the ability to just push through my entire life, and this just happens to be a rough patch. Call me egotistical, but I was fully absorbed in the idea that the only person that could help me was me.

The rest of first semester was a series of many beautiful ups and many ugly downs. It was definitely a “going through the motions” type of situation. Every thought in my brain was so askew at all times that it disguised itself as a sense of consistency and comfort. I told myself I was excited to go home for break, but I knew the transition was going to absolutely wreck me just as much as it did when I moved in, whether I chose to acknowledge it or not. 

I moved all of my belongings out of my dorm and drove back to my hometown. I drifted from all of my friends from school that were important to me. Once finals were over, I blocked out everything school-related from my brain. I spent my time with my home friends, but was rather inconsistent as a friend to them. I blew up on my family daily, using some of the most explosive and hateful language that I have ever used. The excessive sleep persisted. I texted my therapist to seek medication. She replied that her soonest opening was the morning of my birthday.

My birthday quickly approached on December 22. This was the first year I was home on my actual birthday, just because COVID had tampered with our typical holiday plans. My friends threw a birthday party for me the evening of the 21st, which meant the entire world to me. I knew about it prior, and felt a peculiar dread filling up inside of me as the day lurched forward. Are they doing this because they know I haven’t been doing well and this is just an act of pity? Do they feel like they have to? Do they even want to do it in the first place? I wanted to stay home and sleep as I had been doing all afternoon. Nonetheless, I got myself up, got ready, went and met my friends and had a great time.

On the day of my actual birthday, I woke up and went to therapy. Upon my arrival, I caught her up on what had been going on in a fit of run-on sentences and utter word vomit. She suggested medication and set me up with a psychiatrist to meet with. I knew this was finally a form of relying on someone that is there to help. Although I wasn’t being my own usual rock, it did not feel like defeat. It felt like I was slowly being lifted from underwater. That evening there was a set plan to be with my family and get dinner, have cake, the works. The day continued. to drag, and I hibernated in my room, cocooned in blankets. I finally came downstairs to use the restroom and not two seconds of me being downstairs I got in an argument with my family. In a swift movement, I got dressed, got my keys, and started to leave. I wanted to just drive around aimlessly and pretend I had a different final destination rather than just returning home. On my way out the door my mom expressed that she had tried to make the day special and felt as if she had failed as a parent. 

This was a huge turning point in where I finally stared my own struggle straight in the face, sobbing, right in my own living room as it grinned back at me. I broke down, and the feeling I was experiencing was something like being submersed in a dream that you are conscious in, yet out of control. I felt as if I was choking, I wanted to vomit, but I stood, blubbering and trembling like a frightened chihuahua. Tears spilled down my face in furious waterfalls, and the expression on my face was still as stone.

After gathering myself, I went on my drive as planned, and it was storming. What am I doing? I thought about my therapy session from that morning and recalled telling her that there was not a day where I don’t think about not being alive. It’s rare that I feel like a danger to myself, but I explained that it was more of a sensation that I desired to be in a comatose-like state in a foreign country where I was ultimately unknown, and I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone in my life anymore.

What am I doing? I felt a pull to leave Illinois altogether without warning. Don’t tell your friends or your family, just go. Their lives will continue to move forward as they have and you are doing this in order to no longer be at a halt. Drop out of school. Get a job. Get an apartment, maybe with some plants and a neat rug. Start fresh. Be the genuinely good person you have failed to be for too long. Maybe cut your hair, too.

I have felt this weird pull to be elsewhere since my birthday. I started my antidepressant, Lexapro, right before I moved back into school for second semester. I am having a difficult time making friends. I cry every day. I sleep too much. Truthfully, waking up, getting ready, and making coffee in the morning feels like an immense feat. The psychiatrist told me I would go experience a “blackbox” period for up to six weeks where I would feel alone, exhausted, nauseous, and would potentially be a danger to myself. I have felt all of these things the past few weeks.

Now that I am beginning to scrape the surface of my body being acclimated to the medication, I feel better. Like really, I do! The desire of this “elsewhere” still lingers in the back of my brain, although it has taken on somewhat of a different form. I continue to daydream of this apartment, the plants, the rug--but it is not an attempted escape. In my head, it looks like a potential adventure for healing as opposed to avoidance when life challenges my well-being. 

The biggest lesson I have had to learn (the hard way, unfortunately) from 2020 as a whole and the preceding months is that I need to start taking the initiative to do things for myself. The toll my health has taken has been overwhelming, and I had tricked myself into believing I was “doing what I needed to do” by taking an extra 3-hour nap and locking myself in my room every day.

I have had to cut out things that were no longer serving me. Some were more painful than others, but I couldn’t be apologetic for it anymore. I have had it with waking up every day in a state of complete misery, permitting others to walk on my emotions, hating my body, and the way I was living. In order for me to move in any type of positive direction, I myself had to come first. 

I still have my down days, but my lowest point is behind me now, so I can properly reflect on everything that has happened up to his point. I feel as if I owe you an apology:

If you have been a part of my life in any way, shape, or form in the past year, I am sorry. I have been inconsistent, moody, dishonest, and just a poor quality individual. In order for me to give love to anyone I cross paths with, I had to be able to provide that for myself. Instead of repairing a broken machine, I kept using it until it combusted in the faces of everyone I care about. I wish there was an immediate fix to the problems I created over time, and if there was an instant solution, I would follow it with my entire being.

From this point forward, I want to assure you that I am trying to be better. I want to be there for all of you in the way you have tried to be there for me. I have not been kind to myself, and especially nobody else. If this feels applicable to you, please reach out to me so I can do my best to make amends personally.

With love,

Carson

This is not intended to be a pity trap. I am not seeking that. However, my goal is to normalize the conversation about mental health. The truth is that we all have a brain, and more often than not, we don’t always listen to what it needs. I hope that if you find yours asking something of you, you listen.

As always, stay safe and well. If anyone ever wants to extend the conversation of mental health with me personally, do not hesitate to reach out.

[girlpi]

Below the cut is a deep-dive into Veronica’s mental state and tendencies throughout the entirety of canon. This meta helps explain particular behavioral and personality traits that you may see laced in interactions. There will be a slew of triggering topics mentioned so please proceed with caution - also note that while reasoning behind some of Veronica’s tendencies I’m not attempting to justify toxic behaviors nor do I condone them in real life, obvi. 

Triggering subjects mentioned: divorce, rape, sexual assault, abandonment, ptsd, depression, alcohol & death/murder

Viewer discretion is advised *dun dun*

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Veronica’s PTSD symptoms showed themselves slowly and practically isolated from one another, which made the connection very hard to find at first. When she was young, particularly the time directly following Lilly’s death and her own rape, Veronica began to show excessive blame on herself and others, anger, guilt, shame, and a hypervigilance that could mimic paranoia. With the habit of isolating and internalizing near all emotions, it would have been hard for even someone like Keith to pick up on the small changes - specifically the feelings of shame and disgust in herself - which lead to many of these emotions not only bottling up but often overflowing with an outburst that caused more damage than it ever was therapeutic. 

The more prominent PTSD indicators came as Veronica approached adulthood, particularly after leaving Neptune. It came to be that once she found herself in a far less busy life, with a routine of school and a job that didn’t involve any type of investigating, there was more time for her mind to dwell. Mostly, her PTSD presents itself in the form of night terrors and flashbacks that are most frequent when she is over-tired or heavily stressed. A quick trigger for the most intrusive flashback, her encounter with Aaron Echolls, is the strong scent of gasoline. When alone, these episodes can last for quite a while where she is forced to ride them out until she either falls asleep or snaps herself out of them. Logan acts as a security blanket - while his presence doesn’t completely omit traumatic episodes, they’re less frequent and less intense, something he can pull her through after years of dealing with them. In his absence, when Veronica knows she’s in a bad headspace and expects a rise in episodes, she’ll sleep on Keith’s couch just to have someone around. 

Much of Veronica’s hostility and all of her self-destructive behaviors as an adult stems from traumatic past events that have never professionally been dealt with or faced. There’s fear that if she were to sit down and face them, to talk through all that has happened to her, that she’d look small to the world, weak and and tainted just as she often feels. This fear leads to emotional avoidance, something extremely frustrating for her and those that love her, but the internalization and the denial of help, in her mind, mean she’s stronger than she seems and able to handle the world on her own. 

Chronic Depression

While many would pinpoint Lilly’s death as the onset of Veronica’s depression, she’d tell you otherwise. Post-Lilly’s murder, Veronica was engulfed in finding her killer, enraged and sad, but seeking revenge - she didn’t have the time to fall into despair and depression. It was her parent’s divorce and her mother’s sudden abandonment that kick started the mild, chronic depression she carries and suppresses into adulthood. Lianne’s leaving, and failed promise to return for her, was a very sudden indication that what Veronica knew to be true: her family loving and supporting her no matter what, was a sudden lie. Soon came the realization that her own mother chose alcohol and the comfort of a Mars free lifestyle over her own daughter. This is what truly eats away at Veronica’s self-image, coupled with the jarring loss of her best friend and sudden isolation from everyone she found important in her life. In these early stages, her depression showed itself by means of insomnia, unenthusiasm, and isolation. 

While these signs lessened as she regained her footing, particularly after piecing together Lilly’s murder, and another uptick after solving her own rape case, underlying hints always stayed present, albeit quiet for periods of time. While she was able to go longer stretches without depressive episodes, the pitfalls in adulthood could be described as double depressive - in cases when Logan is gone for an extended deployment, and especially when she begins to pick up on her dad’s assumed deterioration, Veronica easily falls back into lows. During these times she suffers from intense restlessness, needing to be busy but finding no enjoyment in things, becomes increasingly irritable and retreats from contact with friends and family. The biggest indicator, however, that she is approaching a depressive drop is her appetite, which will become near non-existent. 

Depression is something Veronica knows well enough she has tangoed with - she aced school as a psychology major and understands what she was taught, but the stubbornness and fierce self-sufficiency that she insists she has ultimately prevents her from seeking help she knows would only benefit her. 

Touch Aversion

Veronica’s aversion to touch is fairly generalized until she’s comfortable with a person, and that person needs to wait for her to allow them in first. This stems anywhere from giving/receiving a hug, a handshake, comforting squeeze of a shoulder. Platonic touch is something she is far more likely to open up to, but physical closeness, cuddling, hugs, kisses on the cheek, or any romantic/sexual/sensual gesture is far less allowed. In particular, she prefers physical distance from men, especially in a setting that she’s not familiar or when she’s alone. She will even go as far as to create a barrier between her and another person, whether it be her desk, a window, anything that maintains distance, which can often be seen as a sign of abrasiveness and hostility. 

This aversion also branches out to those she loves and is comfortable with. Particularly during strong episodes of self-loathing and disgust, or after a flashback or nightmare, touch is incredibly startling unless it’s initiated by her. This isn’t to say she doesn’t show affection - Veronica easily loves up on Logan, Wallace, Nicole, Keith, and Mac, and she’ll even offer a comforting squeeze of someone’s hand, but this is because she’s in control. Learning of Shelly Pomeroy’s party, where both Duncan Kane and Cassidy Casablancas raped her, and Dick Casablancas sexually assaulted her, she felt her autonomy and self-worth violated through touch she never approved of. That night caused a heavy feeling of disgust and guilt, self-blame something she carries well into adulthood, and physical contact is something that she can control that makes sure she’s never violated like that again. 

Stonewalling

Stonewalling, for Veronica, is an out to confrontation she’s not ready for. It’s a tactic used particularly when she’s confronted with her own issues by someone else. While she won’t flat out ignore someone, she will become short in her response and suddenly occupy herself with a mundane task to seem too busy to talk. Veronica has a high fight or flight sense, often turning to fight rather than flight, but in moments when she’s feeling high-level stress, pressure, or attacked by another, stonewalling becomes her flight method, a removal from the conversation at hand. This can lead to a ton of frustration for whoever is on the other end. She grows dismissive and combative, at times letting the situation escalate to her physically removing herself. 

Unfortunately, it’s Logan who is typically on the receiving end of this behavior, exemplified nearly any time he approaches her about therapy, and in instances when he proposed marriage knowing it was off the table for her. Ideally, physically stopping her from busying herself, and choosing words that aren’t combative or belittling is how someone can reel her back in, but few get the chance as Veronica’s temper is hot and quick. 

[404-potato]

I’m going to share something because I really need to get this off my chest. Please feel free to ignore this - 

... I never really talked about it with anyone because I don’t think I really had it in me to fully acknowledge it even. “Embarrassed” is the best way to describe why quite honestly... as much as I hate to admit it

This... is how I ended up hating a series I loved. And the ship/fandom still makes me cringe because of a weirdly “traumatizing” (? maybe? not sure - i hate using that word/throwing it around;;;) incidents that wasn’t really even about the fandom directly at all?  

tw: relationship mess? 

So before IronStrange, how I used to deal with liking series was through cosplaying. There was a good base for it where I lived and good chunk of my friends cosplay too or at least familiar with the community.

I got into this particular series (that I won’t name here) because a friend (who I eventually got involved in a relationship with) was REALLY into it. It was great at first. I loved the series, it was fun, we cosplayed a pair she shipped hard at the time and at some point I liked it too (I think she’s still a bit obsessed with that pairing actually). 

Basically... she got obsessive. 

It started with the little things like... very...uh... predictable... she didn’t want me to cosplay with other people. She didn’t want me to cosplay with anyone else for this particular pairing. Wanted me to prioritize her during cons... sort of made it impossible for me to be flexible to make plans with any other people. When confronted eventually (the “hey so you know I only have so much time I can give to this hobby- if I make all these plans with you I don’t have time for other friends. We can still do things together but I want to spend time with other people too”)... she made it seem like she would give me space but when time came it was always “I’m not saying you can’t go hang out with your friends but you promised this.” “I asked you first.” ... which by promise btw was her mentioning it some months ago by passing. There were other little things here and there in the con/cos world like if any other friend wanted to put together a cosplay group and asked me she got upset I didn’t ask her to join? Her reasoning was that “well I always ask you so why don’t you.” which seemed like demanding I feel the same way about her as she did for me. ... I know... sounds terrible of me & maybe I should be more sympathetic but... you can’t... demand someone to return how you feel about them or get upset when they don’t? (by the way this was way before we dated even - she also repeated denied she had any sort of feelings for me)

And I honestly didn’t recognize it at first or thought it wasn’t a big deal. I had lot of incident in the past where friends, people I dated, etc. made some... perhaps unjustified demands and I did my best to accommodate if I was willing or situation allowed it. I truly, maybe arrogantly, believed I could fully take care of myself because i always had been that one person who could take care of themselves. ... and there was no possible way anyone could ever “take advantage of me” so to say? in any way. 

Then eventually we started dating. It was casual, lets see where it goes at first. ...then at some point we were in a relationship? ... quite frankly I don’t even remember how fully that came about. (I was not exactly in the best mental state that year due multiple disasters that was going on in my personal life - terrible timing because i let a lot of “red flags” go since I was so tired to fight). 

She wanted me to stop talking to certain friends. One was a friend who we went on couple dates (and it didn’t work out, & by then this friend was dating someone else). But she still didn’t want me be friends with this person. 

...And for those who think you shouldn’t be friends with your exes or not talk to them at all for some reason? F u. Yes it is fully possible to be friends with your ex if you both are at a good place etc. Esp if these people were not even exes per se it was like people you went on a date or two with that you both realized after “hey yea we’re friends not anything more”. 

Little by little I was talking to less and less people, interacted with less and less friends. I stopped cosplaying completely just so I didn’t have to deal with her getting upset at me. I didn’t have the energy. It felt like if I go anywhere I had to invite her. If I made any plans I should invite her. After a while I was so miserable to the point we had huge fights. I literally left the apartment to get away because she wasn’t listening to anything I was saying and all her rebuttal to everything was along the lines of “It’s because i like you so much” etc. 

Yea this whole “being loved” thing to the point they want to spend so much time with you at all times may sound sweet in theory ...but for someone who is an only child (with no distant relatives in the same country), who is used to be left alone to live my life with very minimal supervision since 5 years old, needs a lot of time to myself naturally... it’s a nightmare. But if I said I wanted to be alone or need time to myself suggest I’ll go to my parent’s (not my first choice but ya know... at this point i figured she’ll flip if I said any friend’s)... she’ll try to angrily (very recklessly) drive off saying she’ll sleep at her work parking lot?? or I came back after one of these fights and she had all these scratches because apparently she tried to take a bath with wine and she fell?? ... I feel like I couldn’t even leave. ...typing this now, it’s kinda occurring to me I felt very stuck. She says I can go, I can do things, but... i mean... I can’t?? because then she’ll go off and do something like this. That time she was physically hurt, I know I should feel bad but I honestly couldn’t feel bad. I felt suffocated. I was angry. I felt like she was doing this as some sort of attention seeking... thing. 

Oh and lets not forget comments here and there about how I should let her know what i’m doing all the time, all the change of plans. Example: barely one month after I started at a new job, it was the holiday party. I did let her know I’ll be trying to come home early but please eat without me/don’t wait up. Well as I was trying to leave, I got caught in conversation by my VP and then my CEO... i couldn’t just up and leave at that point?? And I couldn’t answer the 30+ calls I got from her. ...She was pissed. Saying how they waited for me to eat, how I said I’ll be home early, etc. I tried to explain what happened. It’s a holiday party, its loud. I can’t keep looking at my phone when i’m talking to my CEO. I did say i’ll try but shit happens and I can’t update her all the time 24/7...She said she got it but next day would still throw these passive aggressive remarks. Couple of her friends came to visit from out of town, we were supposed to spend the day together with them. I was obviously tired because of the holiday party still and I muttered like “damn i’m tired” by passing... her automatic reaction was “well you shouldn’t have stayed out then.” because in her words, during the argument that followed, we made plans to spend time with her friends so I should have prioritized it at all cost even over the job that I need. Nothing said I couldn’t just leave and come home early, I didn’t have to go in the first place. ...oh idk there is something called work politics??? esp when you are a minority girl working at 80~90%+ white male company. 

Then it all boiled up to a particular bad fight where I said I need her to compromise because I’m ready to lose it... I explained so many things from above that was genuinely becoming so unhealthy for me...  How she said she’ll be better in the past but she continued on, etc. 

...lol... and the first thing she says to that is how she still doesn’t want me to cosplay with other people. I literally had a moment of that’s what’s so important to you??? SERIOUSLY? fuck this i’m not cosplaying ever again. period. Because at that point... because of the whole incident... or many incidents, I had such negative feeling towards the hobby I didn’t want to do it anyways... let alone this pairing she really liked... or the series etc.  god there was... so many more... like the time we went to a bar to have fun, she over drank even when I told her multiple times hey maybe you should slow down... She basically did the whole “drinking excess as an excuse to say what she wants after” “i’m drunk so I’m saying this” thing. So in a very public place, the bar was crowded, there were people all around us, she yelled VERY loudly about how I didn’t seem to want to have sex with her anymore. When I asked her to keep quiet, please can we talk about this elsewhere... she KEPT GOING- LOUDLY YELLING. Hysterically crying. Honestly... considering everything going on... yea I didn’t want to. At some point it did occur to me I didn’t want to have sex at all (and that was whole another level of problem considering I’ve always been very sexual person...) I mean I would have been totally willing to have a serious conversation about this but NOT AT A PUBLIC PLACE WITH STRANGERS ALL AROUND??? I was mortified. (this is also why I stopped going to nice bars... i used to enjoy them. After my early 20s, I didn’t drink to get drunk but I loved visiting creative bars and having a nice drink or two... well... not anymore lol)  Again, these are not even 50% of all that happened with this person. .... honestly this relationship caused me so much issues personally I haven’t even begin to solve. It’s actually to the point I’m considering therapy. 

But yea... sure it may not be the biggest of things but sometimes I’m very resentful I can’t enjoy the series I used to enjoy because I just automatically have VERY negative emotions about it. Same thing with cosplay, a hobby I used to be very happily involved in to relieve stress. I now have this almost... fight or flight feeling when they are mentioned, i freeze... it sometimes feels like something is pressing down on your lungs making it impossible to breath.  

...And this is also why... I started tumblr and ended up seeking company of online people who doesn’t really know me because... yea now I’m avoiding my friends at this point or mutuals with this person since... well, everyone thinks she’s a very nice person, very good for me... because on surface level, yea she does really seem like she likes me, gets me all these nice gifts etc. They still comment from time to time about how I should be doing better. Treat her better. Because if someone screws up in a relationship, given my history and personality, its probably my doing. ...Okay. any normal situation, yea I would say that’s probably true but this? this was not... yea.

[talpup]

Summary: Yami Sukehiro just wanted to join the Magic Knights and make his mentor proud.  He knew there would be trails.  He knew trouble would come his way.  Knew he would be faced with discrimination for being a foreigner and a peasant.  What he didn’t know.  Didn’t expect.  Was that literal Chaos would come his way.  That he and his mentor’s sister would be at the center of world ending trouble.  Or that he would fall in love with his mentor’s sister and face more than discrimination; but the jealously of Nozel Silva who loved the same woman he did.

Please remember this fic is rated mature and has warnings of violence, abuse, sexual tension, eventual sexual behavior, and other possible triggers.  For a full list of story tags please check the fics AO3 (link to that at the top of my tumblrs homepage).

Important notes below the cut before chapter72 begins.  PLEASE READ.

***SORRY!***  I forgot to tell you all. A few days before last weeks vacay I did a smutty Julius one shot that I guess you could say is tied to this fic. While there’s not much plot to that one shot, I am planning a Masquerade Ball for the fall around Yami and Teris’ 19yr b.day. So I might have the events of ‘A Night With the Stag’ happen then and have Julius' disappearance noticed. Anyway, you can find ‘A Night With the Stag’ on the main dash of my ao3.

***FIC UPDATE***  Got some not so good news yesterday. Thanks to one of my 3-big chronic illness bad's munching away at my joints the Surgeon said he’d normally recommend joint replacement for my hands. But thanks to another of my big chronic baddies he wouldn't recommend it for me as it would cause further problems and pain in the long run.  For now I’m left with an up tick in my infusions ‘poison juice’ to hopefully stave off further damage. And therapy, bracing, and pain meds to help cope with the pain. What that means for this fic isn’t much at the moment since I’m so far ahead in writing. But with my typing having steadily slowed and the suggestive order not to tax my hands there may come a time when posting has caught up to where I am in writing. Which would mean this fic will become like my BNHA fics which is 'posting as I write', and you all will left waiting for updates. If that happens I’m really SORRY!

Chapter 72

Angry and impatient, Nozel entered Silva Castle.  The kingdom was still in disorder with bandits and thieves continuing to fight for supremacy within the Common and Forsaken Realms.  Even the Noble Realm was dealing with more criminal activity than usual.

“Father.” Nozel stopped to stand behind the man.

Directing a team of servants on the placement of several new acquisitions he had gotten for their palace home, Nathyn turned to his son.  “Nozel. Didn’t expect you so early.  I must admit I’m looking forward to the day we have a proper Lady Silva running our homes once again. Nebra is too self involved to be good at these types of things.”

Nathyn sighed thinking of his eldest daughter.  She would be fifteen soon. Nebra’s grimoire Acceptance Ceremony set not long after her birthday.  Come next Entrance Exams, in little under twelve months time, she would be joining Nozel as a Magic Knight in the Silver Eagles.  With Nebra residing at the Silver Eagles base, she would be Nozel’s responsibility and Nathyn would have one less thing to look after.

“Father, please.”

“What is it?”  Nathyn questioned shortly, his thoughts interrupted.

“Must we really go on with this?  The war has only just ended.”  Nozel said.

“Four days ago.”  Nathyn stated, as if that was long enough for everything to be righted.

“All the squads have a back log of missions and with--”

“That’s the Magic Knights problem.”  Nathyn said, dismissed his sons words.

“I am a Magic Knight.  Teris and I both.  And Julius is a Captain.”

Nathyn fully focused on his son and reminded.  “You are royalty first. This is more than just celebrating your Intended’s birthday.  Not that you shouldn’t insist we continue with that.  But there are Peace Parties to attend.  The people are happy this war was short and is over.  They wish to celebrate you for securing that peace.  The King wishes to honor you.”  He looked proudly at his heir.  “You did good, and should take these next few days to relax and enjoy the fruits of your success.”  His face sharpened.  “I insist.”

Knowing this was a battle he couldn’t win Nozel inclined his head and submitted.  “I’m glad to have pleased you, Father.”

“As am I.  Now go make ready.  The Nova’s will be arriving within the hour.”

72.2

Julius looked mournfully at his sister.  “Teris, I can’t.  I’m sorry.”

Trepidation growing, Teris realized that Julius was serious.  He was sending her off to Silva Castle to spend three days with them and Fyntch, and he wasn’t coming.  “You’re really going to make me go there alone? Without you?”

“The Vermilion's will be in residence at Vermillion Castle across the lawn.  You can seek refuge there.”  Julius offered.

Teris stared at him in disbelief.  “Three days, Julius.  You’re going to leave me alone in Silva Castle with Fyntch and the Silva’s for three whole days.”

“It’s no worse than spending the time with them at Nova House or Silva Manor.”  Julius reasoned.

“Yes it is!  You truly know nothing do you?  You’ve had it so easy being a man and the eldest at that.”

“I’ve had my share of familial duties and expectations forced upon me.” Julius rebutted, thinking she was being unfair and bratty.

“That you threw off.”  Teris countered.

“Watch it.”  Julius warned, expression turning from supplicating to stern.

Teris growled and spun away.  “Fine.  Leave me to those wolves.  But don’t come down on me when I make a mess and make matters worse.”

“You’ll only be making matters worse for yourself.  Can’t you see that? I’m trying to protect you.  That’s all I’ve ever tried to do with this mess.”

Teris turned back to him, eyes pleading.  “If that were true you’d come.”

Julius looked sympathetically at her. “I would if I could. You know what it’s been like.  There’s so much work to do.  I’m so overtired I don’t think I could drift off to sleep if I tried.”

“Then tell Fyntch that.  Tell him I can’t go for the same reason.  All the Black Bulls are still going on mission after mission trying to bring peace and order back to the kingdom.  It’s not right that I leave them to go off on some stupid three day leave.”

Julius shook his head.  “I tried that.  I told you I tried that.”

“Try again.”  Teris begged.

“Teris.” Julius sighed, reaching out to her.

Teris stepped back from him.

Julius sighed again and he lowered his hands.  “You are going.”  He said, simply.

Teris glared at him.  “I--”

“If you tell me you hate me I won’t even make an attempt of showing.”  Julius said, cutting her off.  Whether she meant it or not, such words always stung.

Teris gave one last try to convince him.  “Julius, I don’t want to go.”

“We all do things we don’t want to all the time.  You think I want to spend half the day in meetings and the other half doing paperwork till I can’t see straight and everything looks the same?  You think I wanted to go to war?  Or want to be having this conversation?”

“Go away.”  Teris frowned.

“Go to Silva Castle.  Don’t make Fyntch fetch you.  Do you really want him coming here, seeing how and who you live with?  He’ll pull you out of the Magic Knights so fast and have you locked up at Nova House before the day is done.  You know I’m right.”

Teris glowered.  “Fine.”

Julius exhaled and muttered to himself.  “I should’ve led with that.” He pointed at his sister.  “Silva Castle.  Twenty minutes.”

She kicked the toe of her boot into the foot of her bed.

“Teris.” Julius rumbled.

“I heard you!  Go away already.”

Julius turned and left her bedroom.  He found Yami waiting on the second level landing.  Glancing back up the stairs, he grimaced at the sounds of things being thrown about.  Looking at Yami, Julius warned.  “Don’t think it’d be too wise to go up there right now. She’s mad as hell.”

Yami smirked at his mentor.  “She’s not mad at me.”

Temper frayed and short, Julius frowned.  “You really can be a little shit sometimes, you know.”

Yami chuckled.  “Just figuring that one out?”

“Shouldn’t you be resting, eating, or heading out on a mission?”

“In a bit.  Tobin and Iban are waiting downstairs for me.”

Julius tried not to make a face at the mention of Iban’s name.

Yami caught the expression anyway.  “All hands on deck and all that.  At least Olsen's been teamed with the Bloody Creep for the most part. After what happened with Teris, he isn’t allowed on missions with any of the girls.”

Julius recalled the mission with Teris, Yami, and Iban where the Blood Mage had used his magic against Teris causing quite a bit of injury including several broken ribs.  Though the incident had happened almost a year ago, it still angered.

“They waiting in the great room?”  Julius asked.

Yami nodded, looking up the stairs.

“I think I’ll take the servants stairs and exit out back.”  Julius said, not wanting to see the man who had put his sister in such a state.

Yami waited till Julius had disappeared down the hall that led away from the boys rooms before climbing the stairs.  Standing in the open doorway of Teris’ room, he watched her tear the place apart looking for something.  She pulled out some sort of adornment from a trunk and turned around throwing it.

Yami leaned to the side, tilting his head as the thing flew by.

Teris gasped, hand covering her mouth.  “Sorry!  I didn’t know you were there.”

Yami entered the room.  “I’d hope not.  Would make me wonder if you were mad at me.”

“Tobin and Iban?”  She questioned, aware that Yami was leaving for a mission soon.  She looked at him thinking about last year when she had gone to Nova House for her birthday.

“They’re waiting downstairs.”  Yami saw her expression, knowing that she was thinking about last year when they had parted on a high desirous note only for her to return shortly after her birthday to find him angry and refusing to speak to her.  He stepped toward her, pulling her the rest of the way.  “Come here, Princess.”

Teris shook her head.  “Don’t call me that.  Not when I’m going to Silva castle.”

Yami caressed her cheek with the back of his hand.  “I don’t care what you are to them.  You’re my, Princess.”

She huffed, smirking up at him.  “Always got to have it your way, don’t you.”

His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer.  “I thought you liked it when I got my way.”

Teris laughed, lowering her head and pushing at his chest through not really trying to push him away.  “Yami. You got to go and I got to get ready to go.”

“What? Don’t want me to have my way any more?  I owe you.”

“Owe me?”  Teris lifted her head.

Yami smirked, getting exactly what he wanted, her eyes on him.  He stared at her, his desire openly clear in his gaze.  “For your birthday. I owe you a gift.”

“No.” Teris shook her head.  “We agreed no gifts. Remember.”

Yami lowered to whisper in her ear.  “Oh, I remember vividly.”

He stepped back, Teris falling a step forward.  That should leave him in the foremost of her mind till she returned to him, Yami thought.

Teris blushed at the memory of having offered herself as Yami’s birthday gift and what had ensued.  “W—we agreed we needed to be--”

“Good? Better behaved?  More restrained?” Yami smiled, looking her over.

Teris swallowed, legs squeezing together.  She could feel the pulled of his gaze as it raked over her body.

“Depends on how good, behaved, and restrained you are while suffering those humorless royals these next few days.  I don’t want you getting into trouble over there and putting an end to the trouble we get up to together over here.”  Yami’s devilish grin was cut short by Tobin’s echoing holler.

“Yami!”

Yami backed out of the room.  “Gotta go, Princess.  I’ll treat you to your gift when you return.”

Teris sunk onto the bed as soon as he was out of sight.  How could mere words leave her breathless with wanting?  While they hadn’t done anything close to what they had been up to before the war.  Teris hadn’t been frightened or uncomfortable ever since Yami had promised to be patient and work with her.  Instead she found herself eager and desirous as Yami always seemed to leave her frustrated and wanting more.  She got the distinct feeling he enjoyed this new little game of his that left her grasping and falling forward after him.

Standing, she shook her head clear of the dreamy feeling Yami left her with.  She only had one pair of court appropriate shoes here at base.  She only had one court appropriate gown here as well; but that she had found easily enough.  It was the matching shoe she had to find.

Renewing her search in the trunk that held her things, she hoped Fyntch had thought to order a few proper outfits packed and taken to Silva Castle else she would need to borrow something from Mereoleona’s closet. She certainly wasn’t asking Nebra for such a favor; not that she would wear any of Nozel’s sisters outfits anyway.  They were all pink, purple, and lavender.  Colors Teris wouldn’t be caught dead in.

“Found you!”  Teris said victoriously, pulling out the missing shoe.

72.3

Lunch at Silva Castle was made better and livelier by the presence of the Vermilion's.  Nozel and Fuegoleon called themselves rivals.  And occasionally acted as such. But in truth they got on well enough for everyone to know them as friends they were.  Their father's on the other hand were far from friends.

The rivalry between Nathyn Silva and Leonidas Vermillion had begun at a young age and had only grown over the years.  Sadly it wasn’t only their station that often brought the two patriarchs together.  Before Acier’s death, she and Marcellina, Fuegoleon’s mother, had been close friends.  The women had often planned dinners and outings together for the two royal families.  Even after Acier’s passing, Nathyn tolerated Leonidas’ company just so he could interact with Marcellina. It made Nathyn happy to be around someone who had loved Acier nearly as much as he had and could reminisce about her with him.

Seated to her husbands left, Marcellina lightly scolded.  “You should be ashamed of yourself, Fyntch.  Not bringing proper court clothes for your sister.”

“Men don’t think of such things, my dear.”  Leonidas told his wife.

Marcellina turned to her daughter.  “Mereoleona.  After we’ve finished lunch, you must take Teris out shopping.”

Mereoleona sighed.  “Really, Mother.”

“Aunt Lina, please.  I could simply borrow a gown or two from Leona’s wardrobe.”  Teris said.

“Works for me.”  Mereoleona said.

Marcellina looked horrified.  “Absolutely not.  Your coloring's are not at all similar.  The color scheme of her wardrobe will not look well on you.  Besides, your forms are much too dissimilar.  Leona’s gowns won’t fit you properly.”

“She’s only an inch or two shorter than me.”  Mereoleona told her mother. She look at Teris.  “Don’t you go growing anymore.  I won’t stand for you being taller that me.”

“Your torso is longer than hers and your legs are shorter.”  Marcellina said, not mentioning their difference in bust with men present.

“Fine. I’ll go if Leon comes.”  Mereoleona bargained.

“Why?” Fuegoleon complained, wondering how his sister always managed to force him into things their mother wanted her to do.

“Come now, Leon.  You like shopping.”  Mereoleona grinned.

Fuegoleon couldn’t argue with that.  Not to mention that someone had to guide his sister and cousin on what was proper, in fashion, and looked well on Teris. “Fine.”

“Oh Fyntch, don’t look so stern.  We’ll pay.  Consider it our birthday gift to our favorite niece.”  Marcellina told, upon seeing the mans sour expression.

“No need to mention money at the table, Lina, my dear.”  Leonidas said.

“I’m not concerned about the cost.”  Fyntch said.

“Of course you’re not.”  Leonidas said.

“I simply do not care for the time such an excursion will take from this annual gathering.”  Fyntch went on.

“Then have Nozel, Nebra, and Solid join them.”  Marcellina smiled, brightly.  “The children can go shopping while we all visit.  No doubt they’ll have more fun doing that than sitting around listening to us.”

“Please, Father.  There were these gloves I saw when we passed through and would so like to get a better look at them.”  Nebra said, looking down the table at her father.

Nathyn smiled at his eldest daughter, the thought of reminiscing about his beloved wife with Marcellina putting him in a good mood.  “Very well.  Nozel.  Look after your siblings and Intended.”

“Yes, Father.”  Nozel said, not needing to look at Teris to know her expression had hardened at the way his father had referred to her.

“Can I go, Mother?”  Leopold asked.

Marcellina looked fondly down at her youngest son.  “Dear little Leo.  You still have your magic training with Ms Theresa.”

“That’s right!”  Leopold said, becoming excited.  He looked to his brother. “I’m going to become just as strong as you, Leon.”

“I am sure you will.”  Fuegoleon smiled.

“It’s a shame Noelle isn’t here.  She and Leo could have trained together.”  Marcellina said, looking at Nathyn.

There was little Nathyn could say that wouldn’t disparage Noelle and therefore the family so he opted to suggested.  “Shall we move to the tea room?”

“I’ll take a coffee.”  Leonidas told a servant.

Marcellina glanced at her husband.  She didn’t like him drinking the beverage, it made him irritable.

The men stood, Fyntch leaving the handling of his sister to Nozel as he stepped away from the table.  Much as Teris didn’t like accepting such courtly attention from Nozel, she’d much rather take his hand of assistance than her brothers.

“You kids behave.”  Leonidas told them, making his way out of the lunch room.

“Be back in time to properly prepare for dinner.”  Nathyn instructed, eyes on Nozel.

Nozel inclined his head.

Their elders gone, they all looked at each other.

Mereoleona finally broke the silence.  “Where should we go first?”

“I still can’t believe you’re here.”  Teris muttered.

“Thanks for that.  You really know how to make someone welcomed.” Mereoleona told, sarcastically.

“Sorry. It’s only Julius said he couldn’t be here because he had so much left to do.”  Teris all but rolled her eyes thinking she was going to kill him.

“I’m sure he does.  You forget he was overseeing the southwest forces during the war.”  Mereoleona said.

Teris blinked never having considered that.  She suddenly felt bad for giving her brother such a hard time.

“The Fine Cloth.”  Nozel said, answering Mereoleona’s earlier question.  The last time he had been in there, before the Nine Day War, there had been a gown he had admired for Teris.  Never had he imagined that he would actually get a chance to see her in it.

Mereoleona slapped the table.  “The Fine Cloth it is.”

“But the gloves I wanted to look at were on the other side Dressers Lane.”  Nebra complained.

“We’re going so that Lady Teris will suitably attired for the following days events.  Not so you can purchase yet another pair of gloves.” Nozel told.

Nebra turned away from her brother sticking her nose in the air.

Nozel sighed, wondering why Nebra and Solid had to accompany them in the first place.

Teris’ brows furrowed.  “You’re making this sound as if it'll take all afternoon.  I just need two, maybe three dresses.”

“You will need two evening dresses, a ball gown, a court gown, garden gown, two day dresses, and riding attire.”  Nozel said, thinking of the itinerary for the following couple of days.

Teris scoffed.  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“As well as shoes and accessories for each.”  Fuegoleon added.

“What!” Teris shook her head.  “The shoes I’m wearing are fine.  No one will even see them anyway.”

“Yes, they will.  Ladies look at such things while you’re climbing or descending steps.”  Nebra told.

“As do the men.”  Solid smirked, always looking in hope of glimpsing a bit of leg.

Nozel turned to his brother.  Solid shrunk back.

“Really?” Teris questioned, in disbelief.  She never looked at anyone's shoes. Looking to Fuegoleon she argued.  “Even so.  What does that matter?  I don’t--”

“You’re getting shoes.  Mana!  Do you always have to be so difficult?” Fuegoleon complained.

“Do you?”  Teris shot back.

Mereoleona smiled at the two of them.  “Ah!  This brings back memories.  Kind of makes me wish you could spend a night over at Vermillion Castle with us.”

Teris spun to her.  “Can I?”

“No.” Mereoleona and Nozel said.

Teris refused to look at Nozel instead giving Mereoleona the glared meant for him.

Mereoleona step to Teris, tossing an arm around her shoulder.  “Let’s go.  I have a feeling that between Leon and Nozel the two of us can sit back and let them see you perfectly outfitted.”

72.4

Seated in the tea room, Marcellina said.  “It’s a shame Fyntch had business to take care of and couldn’t stay.  You men.  Always working so hard to see your families cared for and supported.”

Leonidas gazed lovingly at his wife.  “Just as you ladies work so diligently to see our family and homes looked after and well ordered.”

“It’s the least we can do.”  Marcellina smiled back, the couple sharing a moment.

Nathyn turned away.  Such open affection was unseemly in his eyes.  Things and talk like that were meant for private moments and even then sparingly so, least they become like the commoners who readily gave into their more feral natures any time they wished with no sign of restraint.

Marcellina turned to Nathyn.  “The boys appear to be getting along.  Then again unlike the two of you, they’ve never had much of a problem in that regard.”

Nathyn looked at Lady Vermillion who gave him one of her kind but playful smiles.

“I tease, my Lord.”  Marcellina said.

“No matter how truthful it is.”  Leonidas said giving the Silva a sideways before focusing back his wife.  “My dear, would you mind checking on Leopold so Nathyn and I can speak alone?”

Marcellina set down her cup and saucer.  Both men rose from their seats. Leonidas offered his hand and helped his wife from her seat.

Nathyn gave a slight bow.  “My Lady.  As always your presence has been a pleasure that is visited upon me too infrequently.”

Marcellina blushed ever so slightly.  “My Lord Silva.  With prose such as that I shall endeavor to have my husband and I rectify this rarity.”

She placed her hand in Nathyn’s outstretched one, smiling shyly as he lifted it to his lips to graze her knuckle with a kiss.

Leonidas watched his wife walk away.  If he didn’t enjoy the sight of her swaying backside and swishing skirts so much he might have never allowed Marcellina to leave his presence.  He turned to Nathyn who stared a moment longer at the closed door.

“You still have it.”  Leonidas declared.

Nathyn’s blue eyes turned the man.  “Still have what?”

Leonidas huffed.  He retook his seat, Nathyn doing the same.  Even when they were younger the cold fool never knew the effect his fine words had on the opposite sex.  As if Nathyn Silva’s handsome face and high rank hadn’t been enough to attract every female.  Eligible or otherwise.

Leonidas recalled a time back in their youth when Nathyn had come to him asking for advice.  A rarity given that they had never gotten along and were only ever together when circumstance demanded.  Back then the young, unmarried Silva had unwittingly piqued the interest of Lady Annsan Denwulf.  An older royal wed to a nobleman's son and heir.  Nathyn had been at a loss at what to do to put an end to the married lady’s persistent attentions.  Especially since Nathyn had been on the same squad as the Lady’s son, Dorien.

Leonidas smiled at the memory of one of the few occasions he had ever seen Nathyn Silva flustered and lacking in confidence.

“Our sons did well completing the Kings request.”  Leonidas said, changing the subject to something the Silva would find less aggravating.  “You should be proud of your boy.  It is he who will get all of the honor and credit tomorrow.”

“As is only fitting since he would have born all of the shame and blame if they had failed.”  Nathyn said.

“I wasn’t complaining, Silva.”

“It’s difficult to tell at times, Vermillion.”

The two men stared at each other.  Leonidas blinked first, not too proud to do so for the sake of peace.  “Nozel deserves all the praise he will get tomorrow.  Commanding my niece alone is a fete that couldn’t have been easy.”

“I’ll admit they both require practice in that arena.”  Nathyn said, speaking of Teris and his son.  “Though I have full faith that Nozel will command her with as firm a hand as required to get Lady Teris to submit.”

“But no firmer than necessary I would hope.  We are speaking of my favored niece.  A child as dear to me as if she were one of my own.” Leonidas said.

Nathyn arched a questioning brow.  “Is that what this is about?  You wish to take the position as the girls father figure?  If so, then get her to behave like a proper young lady.  At the very least stop her from cavorting with that foreign boy from her squad.”

Thinking of the reports he had heard of Teris and the foreigner out on the lawn during his daughters Lava Springs party, Leonidas sighed.  “I admit I was rather displeased and disappointed to hear of that.  Even my Mereoleona, free and unorthodox as she is, wouldn’t entertain a young man so openly.  Still, it seems Teris has either learned her lesson or someone has instructed her on decent, if not proper, romantic decorum.  I haven’t heard anymore murmurings of such instances.  Have you?”

Nathyn scowled.  “That hardly means such things aren’t still being done in private.”

Leonidas rolled his eyes.  “As if you went into your marriage having never felt another's lips.  Teris may be a little too much like my Leona, but she would never give herself fully outside of marriage.  Of that I’m certain.  It’s simply a line the girl would never cross.”

“She belongs to my son.”

“No.” Leonidas countered.  “She will one day belong to your son.  Right now the only claim you and Nozel have on her is that Teris is meant for him.”  He relaxed back into his seat.  “The boy loves her. That much is obvious.  So long as things with the foreigner don’t go too far, Nozel will forgive her this male diversion.  So why not let it be?  It makes her happy.  The poor child has had such little happiness in her life.  And let’s face it, I doubt Teris will experience much joy when finally wed into your family.”

Nathyn took in a steadying breath, calming his rising mana.  Looking across the coffee table, he challenged.  “You would have a problem with this if it were your sons Intended we were discussing.”

“Any Intended meant for my son wouldn’t have to seek out joyful diversions in dread of the day she became a member of my House.” Leonidas said, light tone carrying an dangerous undercurrent.  His forced smile tight, he went on.  “Let us hope that you are not fully successful in turning Nozel into you.  Else I truly will feel for my niece.”

“He’s too soft.”  Nathyn declared.

“I agree he has a lot to learn.  Both our boys do.  At least they are working with and learning together.  Explains their quick rise within the Magic Knights.  Where as you and I often battled to our detriment within the order.”

Nathyn huffed, the usual slight down turn of his lips leveling to a thin line.

“I mean it Nathyn.  Leave the girl and foreign boy be.  I’m watching the matter closely to see that nothing of any sort gets out of hand.”

Nathyn’s eyes narrowed, his lips pulling downward.  As much as he didn’t like the Vermillion telling him what to do, it was Leonidas’ last sentence that was upsetting, if not concerning.  Just how closely was Leonidas watching?  Was he aware of the failed attempt on Yami’s life during the Nine Day War?  Or the money left without word by the Black Bulls Vice Captain?  How long had Leonidas being watching?  Did the Vermillion know of the two previous attempts before this latest debacle?

Leonidas smiled at the Silva’s expression.  “I truly hope we understand each other.  Given this honor your son has won for your House it would be a shame if a controlling, prideful patriarch turned that esteem to not.”

72.5

While the Sales Assistant had needed to adjust to not showing the offerings of fine fashionable gowns to the two disinterested royal women and instead try to please the two royal men, it had been an easy adjustment to make.  These weren’t the first high bred customers that had entered where the man had a mind of how he wanted his woman to look and knew what style best pleased him on her frame.  Given what she had heard she was rather surprised Lady Nova was amenable to allowing her Intended to dress her.  She wondered if the two royals had finally submitted to their families intention to see them wed. Such a shame that would be she thought, watching Nozel closely as he tried to decide between two of the remaining riding dresses he and Lord Fuegoleon Vermillion had narrowed it down to.

The Sales Assistant sighed dreamily, wishing that it was her His Highness was outfitting.  A smile crossed her face as she took in Nozel’s form.  Better yet, they could move on the the back of the store and he could outfit her in the lingerie they offered.  She would gladly try it on for him.

She glanced at the bored Lady Nova who occasionally sighed heavily as if it was such a tiresome inconvenience to have two of the highest ranking young royals, both of whom would make any girl stop and stare at their handsome face and figure, picking out such fine dresses for her to wear.  Some girls had all the luck and didn’t even realize or appreciate it, she thought bitterly.

“This one will look better.”  Nozel said.

“And she’ll be able to move about easier in the other.”  Fuegoleon said.  He crossed his arms and looked at the Silva.  “It’s a riding dress.  Comfort and maneuverability are more important than mere appearance.”

“If this wasn’t for a court gathering I might agree with you.  But it is and I’m picking this one.”  Nozel told.

“Since this is a birthday gift from the Vermillion's, what you pick has little bearing.”  Fuegoleon said, tersely.

“Teris.” Nozel called over his shoulder.

“Are we done?”  Teris called back, sitting up.

Lounging beside her, eyes closed, Mereoleona muttered.  “I hope so.  Pretty sure it’s almost time to head back and get ready for dinner.”

“Almost.” Fuegoleon assured.  “Come here, please.”

Without looking at the Sales Assistant, Nozel ordered.  “Hold the dress up to her.”

“I’m bored.”  Teris complained, making her way over to them.  She had never liked shopping.  Shopping for fancy clothes that were meant for her were definitely off her list of enjoyable activities.  She pulled away when a sales girl held something before her.

“Stand still.  Fuegoleon snapped.

“And straight.”  Nozel added, looking her over appraisingly.

Teris made a face, but did as the two men bid.

Nozel’s eyes slid to Fuegoleon, brow raised.

Fuegoleon look Teris over a moment then nodded.  “You’re right.”

“I know.”  Nozel said, turning away.  He took it as an insult that the Vermillion had doubted his knowing what looked best on his Intended.

“Is that it?”  Teris asked, wanting to go back and sit, or better yet return to Silva Castle.

Nozel nodded as the Assistant took up the boots and accessories that he had picked to go with the outfit.

“If I can have my Lady’s measurements I will have these altered and boxed within the hour.”  The Sales Assistant said pulling a quill and paper out for Teris to write her numbers on.

Teris blinked at the woman.  “I haven’t a clue.”

Nozel sighed.  Before he could stop himself had rattled off Teris’ measurements.  The Sales Assistant caught herself staring.  She quickly turned around, jotting the numbers down and busied herself with boxing the accessories.

Fuegoleon’s expression held a mixture of displeasure and amusement.

Nozel cleared his throat and added lamely.  “I would guess.”

Teris felt both angry and embarrassment.  She felt exposed.  Examined.  She felt like a thing.  She wanted to walk out and not look back.  She wanted to head to the back and have the store clerk take her measurements, sickly interested in how accurate Nozel’s guess was. Mana.  She hoped it was a guess.  It had to have been a guess, she told herself.  How else would he have gotten a hold of her measurements?  It wasn’t that she was embarrassed about the numbers.  It was that Nozel somehow knew something so personal.  More than that, he had spoken the numbers with such confidence and ease as if he were already her husband.  Which she had made clear, time and again, he would never be.

Teris saw a tape measure on the counter and grabbed it.  Lashing it like a whip, she spun on a heel and marched to the changing room.  Nozel mindful to keep his eyes averted from her.

Fuegoleon smirked at his cousins behavior.  He turned a stern eye on Nozel.  “I had a few choice words for you.  But I think Teris will have more than enough so I’ll save my breath.  What were you thinking?  How do you even know a thing like that?”

“I have a good eye.”  Nozel said simply.  He looked Fuegoleon over and rattled off the Vermillion’s measurements.

“Impressive. I’d be quick to mention that and prove it when she comes back. Not that it’ll spare you from much.”  Fuegoleon told.

It wasn’t long before Teris exited the changing room.  Her shoulder rammed into Nozel as she passed making her way for the door. Mereoleona got to her feet.

“Teris?” She called after her cousin.  The Crimson Lions Captain looked over at Nozel and her brother wondering what they had done to upset her this time.

Fuegoleon watched his sister follow Teris out.  He looked at Nozel and shook his head in sympathetic amusement.  Stepping to the counter, he signed the bill of sale and instructed the Clerk on when and where he wanted everything delivered.

Mereoleona stepped beside Teris who had stopped at a nearby fountain.  “What’s the matter, Little One?”

Picking at a hangnail, Teris mumbled.  “Nozel knew my measurements.”

Mereoleona shrugged.   “That’s not surprising.  Lord Silva has a mathematical eye.  It’s somewhat expected one of his children would inherent the same.”  She smiled and told.  “My Mother once said that when they were younger Lord Silva’s favorite party trick was to guess how many mixed nuts were in a bowel.  She said that he was never off by more than two and that was only when he had a few too many drinks.  Father told me that Lord Nathyn helped him in sizing Mother’s betrothal ring and when it came time to put it on her finger it fit perfectly.  Said that as happy as he was to have it fit, to this day he doesn’t like it when Mother wears her betrothal ring because it reminds him of Lord Silva’s help.”

Teris relaxed somewhat at that.  Maybe that’s all it was.  It was something similar to how she could remember the words to every song she had ever heard, even if only once.  Or how she could sometimes guess the next few words from a versus or chores she hand never heard.  As useless as it was, it was occasionally a fun gift to have. If Nozel was indeed like his father, his gift would be a whole lot more useful.  Knowing that about him actually explained a lot.  Like how Nozel was able to step back and surmise the weakest point of cell for Fuegoleon, Randall, Zara, and him to focus on.  Or how he had known just what pace to set to get them to the next camp point.

Mereoleona looked over at her.  “You’re no vain girl that would be upset about something like that.  What’s really bugging you?”

“I only have two more years left.”  Teris said, the weight of it causing her shoulders to slump.

“And?”

Teris’ head snapped up.  “And!”

“That troublesome brute of yours will follow you anywhere.”  Mereoleona said with a shrug.

“I don’t want to go anywhere.  The Clover Kingdom isn’t perfect but it’s better than most.  It’s my home.  I love it.”

“Then let that muscly mess of a man fight Fyntch to free you from your family and duty.”  Mereoleona said, simply.

“Who says it’ll be Fyntch?  If Julius--”

“Julius will never fight Yami.  He’s put too much work and effort into that kid to kill him.  Besides, Julius would never do anything to force you into a future you didn’t want.”  Mereoleona pinched Teris’ cheek.  “He adores you too much for that.”

Teris pulled her face away.

Mereoleona dropped her hand.  “Julius will work something out.  You can count on that.  Your little Lord of Destruction won’t have to face him.”

“I don’t want Yami to have to face anyone.”  Teris said.

Mereoleona didn’t know if her cousin was stating what her perfect world looked like, or if Teris was still that young, foolish, and hopeful.  “I know it’s you birthday in a couple days, Little One.  But you can’t have all the things.”

“I don’t want all the things.”  Teris said, fiercely.  “I’m ready and willing to lose my name, title, and all that comes with it when it’s time.”

“Even us?”  Mereoleona asked.

“That’s the only thing I’ll miss.”  Teris said, finding it difficult to keep the other woman’s gaze.

Mereoleona clasped Teris’ shoulder.  “Don’t worry.  You won’t lose me. Well you will once Leon’s ready to become Captain, but so will everyone else cause I’m getting out of here.”

“Where are you going?”

“We’re talking about you here.”  Mereoleona put her other hand on Teris’ other shoulder, holding both of them.  “Now I need you to listen and heed what I tell you cause it’s important.”

“Alright.” Teris said, uncertainly.

“No.” Mereoleona shook her head.  “No tentative, alright's.  I said this was important.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

Mereoleona looked at the younger girl lifting her eyebrows.  “And heeding.  I need you to really listen and take in what I have to say.”

Teris gave a nervous smile.  “Leona.  You’re starting to scare me.”

“Good. Cause this is so important it is scary.  Are you listening?”

Teris nodded.

“You got of stop worrying about this stuff.  Whether you leave or stay. If that big lug fights on your behalf or not.  There’s nothing you can do about any of that right now.  Not with two year left to go. So don’t think about it.  Put it out of your head and enjoy the here and now.  With all that’s going on who knows what will happen between then and now.  Hell, Fyntch or Lord Nathyn could die.  You or Yami could die.  Nozel could--”

“Please stop saying ‘die’.”  Teris begged.

“You get my point.”  Mereoleona went on.  “Enjoy these next few days and the ones after.  Relish your ranking friends and family.  Well, maybe not Fyntch.  He is a bit of a prat.  But I do include Nozel in that.  If—when you get what you want.  Even if you don’t get it exactly as you want.  All of this changes, if it doesn’t go away forever.  Even if and when you become Knights Commander.  Which I am as certain you’ll achieve as I am of Julius becoming Wizard King.” She looked at her cousin affectionately.  “The relationships.  The close friendship you have with those two boys back in that store will never be the same.  There will be strain and tension and hurt feelings.  And that strain, anger, and hurt will always be there on some level no matter how much time passes or how well those feelings are hidden.”

Teris lowered her head fighting back the hurt, anger, and fear her cousins words brought to the surface.

Mereoleona chucked a finger under Teris’ chin.  “Don’t look so down.  You still got two years left to have a lifetime of fun and laughs with those two boys.  I’m telling you this so you don’t waste it. Consider it my birthday gift to you.”

72.6

Mereoleona knocked on her father's study door.

“Enter.” Leonidas Vermillion called.  “Ah, Leona, my dear.  What are you doing up so late?”

“Just because I’m here doesn’t mean work doesn’t follow.” Mereoleona said, speaking of her duties as the Crimson Lions Captain. She sat before her father's desk.  “What about you?”

“The Magic Knights aren’t the only ones dealing with extra work. Drink?”  Leonidas offered, getting up and moving to the bureau behind his desk that bore several decanted spirits.

Having more work to see to, Mereoleona shook her head.  “No, thanks.  You shouldn’t either.  Mother will smell it on you and scold.”

“I can handle your Mother.”  Leonidas said, pouring himself a fingers worth instead of the two he had planned before his daughters words.

“Did you speak to Lord Silva?”  Mereoleona asked.

Leonidas returned to the chair, sighing as he sat.  “I told you I would. However did you learn Nathyn hired men to kill Teris’ young friend?”

Mereoleona recalled Bronn telling her the truth of things after Yami was found unharmed after he had been taken by a dimensional spell.  She had almost gone to confront Nathyn Silva herself; and likely would have if she hadn’t been fighting in a war.  Yami had been under her command at the time.  She had been responsible for him.  More than that, Yami was a Magic Knight.  As much as the squads might bicker and fight, they were one unit.  One family.  If anyone from the outside threatened one them they may as well have threatened every Magic Knight.  Their lives were dangerous enough as if was.  They didn’t need anyone getting ideas to make it more so.  Thanks to the war, Mereoleona had been forced to wait.  The passing time had calmed her enough to think with a clearer head which had led her to the decision of going to her father.

“I’d rather not say.”  Mereoleona told her father.  She didn’t see how telling him would get Bronn in trouble.  But she also didn’t see how telling her father would make a difference.

Having his fair share of secrets, Leonidas didn’t press.  “Well, Nathyn won’t be sending people after that boy again.  Not if he knows what’s good for his family’s image or has any hope of Nozel and Teris making their marriage work.”

Mereoleona looked sadly at her father.  “She’s not going to marry him, Papa. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

Leonidas shook his head.  “I refuse to believe she won’t.  The thought of having to turn away from that girl wounds me too much.”

“You don’t have to.  I won’t be.”

“Don’t tell me your future plans to ignore my instructions.  And you know full well that I must and will if Teris indeed refuses to follow her family’s commands.  I don’t live for my needs and desires, Leona. I have a duty to this family.  To House Vermillion.  To the King and this kingdom.”

Mereoleona sat forward and inquired.  “Then why speak to Silva at all?  Why not let him do as he wishes and rid this kingdom of a dirty foreigner who’s messing around with a royal girl far above his station?”

Taking a sip of his drink, Leonidas drawled.  “Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re having fun or truly being adversarial.”

“It’s no wonder when sometimes I can’t tell myself.”  Mereoleona admitted, sitting back.

“Let us say Teris does as she’s told and weds Nozel.  She doesn’t love him and while she might learn to, it will be a rough few first years for her as Lady Silva.  If Nozel is incapable of bringing her to heel I have no doubt that Nathyn will step in and his methods will be far less tender and caring.”

“And you’re okay with that?”  Mereoleona asked.  “A girl you claim to love like your own daughter--”

“But Teris isn’t my daughter.”  Leonidas interjected.  “I may be the third highest man of this land but even I have limits on what I’m able to do.  Especially when faced against the second ranking man of the kingdom.”

While Leonidas didn’t have major issue admitting the truth of his limitations as His Royal Highness Lord Vermillion to Mereoleona, he didn’t like seeing the look of disappointment in his daughters eyes.  Apparently his children thought him able of any and everything he wished and were crestfallen every time he told them that it wasn’t true.  At least Fuegoleon as his heir, was beginning to understand his limitations, and hardly ever looked at him as Mereoleona did now.

“Teris deserves some happiness.”  Leonidas said, telling her the same thing he had told Nathyn.  “Whether she submits and weds Nozel.  Or refuses and deals with whatever consequences that decision brings her way.  It will still be a tough adjustment for her.  So yes.  After what you told me, I spoke with Silva to ensure she has a couple joyful years before this mess comes to a head.  Besides,” he shook his head in disgust, “hiring gangs to kill that foreign boy.  Nasty business that.  Nathyn should be ashamed of himself.  He had no right attempting such a thing.  He over stepped his bounds.”

“I’m not so sure he’d agree.”

“I don’t give a damn if Nathyn Silva agrees.”  Leonidas stormed. “Teris is his sons Intended.  That is all.  Her behavior and going on's are not for him to sway or tamper with.  If there’s something he doesn’t like he should speak with Fyntch, or Julius.  Hell, even speak with me.  But to try to have that young man killed, not once but twice that you’re aware of, simply because he doesn’t approve of Teris’ dealings with him.  This Yami Sukehiro is a Third Class Senior Magic Knight for mana’s sake!”

“And soon to be co-Vice Captain of the Black Bulls.”  Mereoleona added.

Leonidas raised an eyebrow.  “Truly.”

She nodded, happy that her effort to distract and calm her father had worked so easily.  “From what I understand Yami and Teris are to become co-Vice Captain's once the current Black Bulls Vice Captain retires to marry.”

Leonidas chuckled, heartily.  “Silva certainly won’t like that.  But maybe between my words and this Yami’s new rank, Nathyn will cease these tasteless attempts.”

72.6.2

Fuegoleon hadn’t meant to eavesdrop.  He had only gotten up to get a glass of warm milk after trying and failing to get to sleep for over an hour and a half.  But after what he’d just heard he didn’t think anything would help him sleep.

From down the hall he had seen light coming from his father’s half opened study door and decided that instead of fetching some milk he would offer his assistance with whatever his father was working on. As training for one day becoming the head of the royal House Vermillion his father often sent him work to do.  Fuegoleon was even charged with overseeing three of their pieces of land.  But with the war, his father had stopped sending him work and had taken over managing those properties in Fuegoleon’s place.

This morning his father had told his responsibilities for the three properties would continue once the festivities were over and he returned to the Crimson Lions base.  Even though his duties as a Magic Knight would still demand more time and attention then usual until the gangs and such could be beaten back into place, Fuegoleon had been glad to have his familial duties returned.

After hearing his father and sister, Fuegoleon walked swiftly back to his quarters.  He quietly closed and locked both the outer and inner doors of his chambers.  Running a shaky hand over his forehead, he tried to comprehend what he had just heard.  Lord Silva had hired people to kill Yami.  And not just once but twice.

He didn’t like his cousin’s close relationship with Yami, or the liberties he knew Teris allowed the man.  But that was far from a reason to kill him.  His father had been right in his tempered outrage.  Nathyn Silva had no right to attempt such a thing.  Teris was Nozel’s Intended, nothing more.  Until the two were properly betrothed neither Nozel or his father had any claim or authority over her.  Even after they were betrothed the Silva’s say wouldn’t be much.  Certainly not enough to permanently remove a person from Teris’ life by hiring people to kill.  Who would even considered such a thing?  Let alone followed through with it.  What kind of person hired people to take another's life?

Fuegoleon felt himself go cold.  Was this what it meant to a patriarch of a royal House?  He knew his father held the lives and well-being of countless people in his hand.  But he had never thought his father viewed those lives as expendable.  Sure people had died in their service to him or the family.  But Lord Leonidas Vermillion had always seen that the surviving family were given a large sum and well looked after.  Fuegoleon couldn’t imagine his father capable of ordering someones death.  Their Imprisonment and execution maybe. But those were open, lawful things.  Hiring some gang to murder someone was something completely different.  Something he had never imagined a royal doing.  Such deeds were what thugs did.

No. Fuegoleon corrected himself.  Such deeds were what thugs were hired to do.  But who did the hiring?  The thought that is was people like Lord Silva and his father troubled him.  The fact that he was lumping his father in with Lord Silva’s terrible deed simply because the two were both patriarchs and close in rank disturbed him further still.  But if Silva had done such a thing for something as simple as not liking Yami’s close connection with Teris, when Yami was a high ranking Magic Knight, it was almost certainly sure that Nozel’s father had hired such gangs for other reasons in the past.  And if that were so, what was to say that his own father hadn’t done likewise.  Fuegoleon couldn’t fathom a reason that would cause a man as honorable and caring as Leonidas Vermillion to do such a thing.  He knew his father had killed before.  His father had once been a Magic Knight where death and killing was sadly a somewhat regular occurrence.  Even so, Fuegoleon couldn’t picture it.  For some reason, despite knowing otherwise, he didn’t think his father the type of man capable of taking a life.  Then again he thought the same about Nozel even though he had seen different with his own eyes more than once on the battlefield.

Nozel! Fuegoleon jolted, his hands and face becoming clammy.  Did Nozel know of Lord Silva’s attempts?  If so, when had Nozel known?  He knew Nozel wanted to see Yami dead.  That his threat of one day overseeing Yami’s execution was far from an empty one.  What if Nozel had had enough of Yami’s teasing and inciting his anger? What if Nozel had had enough imagining what Teris and Yami got up to? Imagining what allowances she afforded Yami when she wouldn’t even accept a single kiss from Nozel.  Could it be that Nozel had been the one to make the suggestion to Lord Nathyn?  Fuegoleon didn’t think so; but up until a few moments ago he didn’t think Nathyn Silva, an upstanding royal and next in line for the throne, the type to hire assassins.

Writing isn’t just a love.  It’s my only real outlet.  And being able to connect with other people, bringing someone enjoyment through what little I can actually do has been a HUGE brightspot for me.  So THANK YOU to everyone who has ever commented, reblogged, or left an ask.

Next chapter snippet:

Yami’s jaw clenched at that.  He wasn’t sure he believed all this primordial forces business but he knew Alowishus and his Agents of Crazies did.  All Yami was willing to admit at the moment was there was something more to all of this than rare, strong magic.