#like a good ally

[rogueslove]

X-Men/Alpha Flight #1

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[tiffanyachings]

Matching T-Shirts for You and Your Weirdly Codependent Cousin

based on this excellent post by @casgirl

[gingerswagfreckles]

I just saw someone describe the phenomenon of all kinds of minority groups allying with people who want to kill them too as long as they also want to kill Jews and accepting all the bigotry that goes along with that even when it's directed towards them themselves as "intersectional antisemitism" and um yeah wow I think that is a really useful term.

[mazeyphaedra]

was rewatching fabian’s baron moment on account of it being the most delicious piece of pvp in my recent memory and ally beardsley’s growth as a player just shone through so brightly and with such clarity. after dusting off their shock they immediately asked about the nemesis ward, had enough knowledge about fellow pcs stocked to remember adaine’s ac with such like frustrated confidence and certainty, suggested to siobhan to dimension door out of adaine’s room, like. they came into this making a character with 4 dex. and now the dice deity offered to roll a check to sense if adaine was in danger. making decisions, asking questions, getting invested in the story, trying so hard with the tools they have to save characters from danger; ally beardsley is an incredible d&d player.

[accirax]

a collection of DCAS memes so far

[brennan-lee-mother]

“Are you four dogs?” is absolutely going into the top 3 Ally Beardsley moments. Honestly no one’s as quick on the draw who’s doing it like them?

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

i'm not trying to start anything, but i just saw a post criticizing misha collins for not choosing to quit spn when the network was homophobic and he was "profiting from homophobia" and i just think it's kind of... wild? that young people think that a person could just. decide to not work for a prejudiced corporation when they have a family to provide for?

i don't know, i don't even really want to debate or go into it more, but it's just kind of surreal to see opinions from people who weren't there in 2013 when misha collins was literally the only person willing to support not just destiel shippers but actual queer and trans and ace fans. i have no doubt that he saved lives through the care he showed to vulnerable young people who desperately needed to see someone give a damn about them. he's significantly flawed in many ways, but he will always be a saint in my eyes for how much he cared.

like i just don't think that people accustomed to this modern era where hardly anyone blinks over two men kissing on tv can understand what it was like when we were mocked and silenced, when we weren't allowed to breathe the word 'destiel' without getting booed, and misha was the only damn person who spoke up for us. the only one. who was probably risking his job in saying the things he did.

things have changed. that's wonderful. don't judge people surviving previous eras by the standards of today.

[draw-the-squad-like-this]

Draw your characters like this 💕

[manyrandomfandoms]

David Tennant and Sir/Dr Brian May both being people who have won the Ally Award makes my fangirl heart so happy

[littlebitofdnd]

Sandra-Lynn and Sklonda are having a "What Do We Do About Kristen" phone call as we speak

[royalarchivist]

Missa: [Finds a book Fit wrote for Phil and stares at it in silence for a long moment]

Missa: ...Ok, Fit is talking to Philza. Should I... should I know what they're talking about? I mean, I mean no– it doesn't worry me, it doesn't worry me. I'm not a jealous guy. But maybe they've talked about this [the situation with Bad] and know something?!

Missa: It's like– it's like seeing his cellphone. No, I'm not going to read it, I'm not going to read it. No no no, no. It's like looking at his cellphone, no!

[tanoraqui]

Kabru: [lies to Laios’s face about sharing his interests, in a deliberate scheme to befriend him]

Kabru: [watches Laios have a knock-down, drag-out fistfight with Shuro when he found out that Shuro has been lying to him for years about being friends]

Kabru: Huh.

Kabru: …Skill issue.

Kabru: [continues lying to Laios’s face]

[imaginespazzi]

Can you write a Drabble where the team is at the theater but the new freshmen who is obsessed with azzi doesn’t realize that Paige and azzi are together so they sit next to azzi and talk her ear off and Paige gets more and more annoyed and kk and ice think it’s hilarious

You asked for this a week ago and I fully forgot it was sitting in my drafts, but here's the unedited, unseriousness you asked for:

KK thinks Allie Ziebell might have a death wish. It's a shame really because she hasn't known the freshman for that long, but she seems like a sweet enough girl and really, KK doesn't feel like hiding her body. But if Paige murders her, and it's looking quite likely, by that glint in her eyes, that she might, well KK can't not help her father.

It had started basically the day they'd come back to Storrs. While Morgan and Sarah had immersed themselves in the chaos immediately, Allie had been a little quieter, gravitating to Azzi's calmness. Since then, Allie seemed to have latched herself onto the redshirt junior, slowly getting more and more comfortable.

Now Paige hadn't had any problem with that, always happy to see the freshman starting to fit in but then Allie had started to break the rules. Granted, no one had even told Allie these rules, or why they existed, but still, rules were there for a reason (except CD's Paige and Azzi can't room together because really, Paige thinks, that's a dumb as hell rule and it's not like it's stopped them anyway) and needed to be enforced.

It had started with Allie sitting next to Azzi at breakfast. Paige had been making a silly tiktok with KK, and then turned around to find her spot taken by Allie. She'd brushed it off, knowing the newcomers didn't know about her and Azzi yet. no she hadn't narrowed her eyes in irritation and this totally was not the moment KK and Ice started making a bet for how long it would take Paige to blow up.

Then there had been the car incident. Allie was trying to be nice, trying to be helpful by offering to drive, seeing that Paige's car didn't have space for all of them that were going to the movies. But then she'd made a grave mistake.

"Azzi, you can come with me."

It had taken a lot of self-restraint for KK to not burst into laughter, not at Allie's innocent enough remark, but at the way Paige's hands had immediately balled into fists at the idea of her passenger princess not being in her car.

"Azzi always rides with me," Paige had bitten out.

"Oh," Allie looked a little bit like a lost puppy and KK had to sympathize. They'd all gone through what she and Ice liked to call their "Pazzi initiation", catching onto the rules quite quickly.

And of course, Azzi, never one to let anyone feel awkward or pass up the opportunity to piss Paige off had been quick to say that, "no it's okay, I'll go with Allie today."

Allie's face had lit up at that and Paige's had immediately soured, eyebrows cocked in annoyance as her girlfriend slid into the other car, sending Paige a cheeky smile through the windshield. KK had to bite her fist to prevent herself from laughing, knowing it would only turn Paige's wrath onto her. Ice, always terrible at hiding her reactions, had let out a snicker which had resulted in her being banished to the backseat. And that, KK thinks, is why she's definitely the smarter child.

It had only gotten worse the last hour. Allie was everywhere. Excitedly chatting to Azzi about everything and nothing, as they waited in line for tickets and then popcorn. Paige had sulked as she walked behind them, arms crossed against her chest as she seethed in silence at not having Azzi's complete attention on her.

But the last straw had happened mere seconds ago, when they'd finally gotten into the cinema hall and Allie had had the audacity to slide into the seat next to Azzi. Paige had glowered at the younger girl before reluctantly taking her seat in between KK and Ice who seem to be finding this situation far more hilarious than it is.

"Do you think it'd be wrong to have a stepfather who's younger than us?" KK muses, trying and failing to keep the amusement out of her voice.

"Shut the fuck up," Paige grunts, hand gripping the seat handle tightly as she cranes her neck to continue glaring daggers at an oblivious Allie.

"I think Allie'd make a great stepfather," Ice surmises, "ooooh do you think she'd let me go on live- ow what the fuck?"

"Damn well at least we know Allie would never hit us. That's child abuse you know?" KK sends Ice a symapthetic look, as the red-shirt sophomore rubs at the spot on her arm that Paige had just hit.

Ignoring the two snickering idiots on either side of her, the UConn point guards, stands up abruptly, bumping harshly against KK's knees as she budges her way to Allie and Azzi. While the freshman looks up at Paige quizically, Azzi merely raises a knowing eyebrow, a barely concealed smirk playing on her lips.

"Allie," Paige says, voice dripping with fake honey, "that's my seat."

"Oh I didn't realize we had assigned seats?" Allie asks confusedly.

"We don't," Azzi reassures

"There are rules. For example," Paige points at Azzi, "my girlfriend," ignoring Azzi shaking her head, she points to Allie's seat, "my seat. Simple stuff like that you know?"

It's almost comical the way Allie's eyes go wide, mouth opening and closing as her eyes dart back and forth between Paige and Azzi, "oh. So um- you two?"

"Yes," Paige nods solemnly, "us two. So if you don't mind..."

"Oh yeah, yeah of course," a light blush tinges Allie's face, as she scampers away to find another seat.

Ignoring KK and Ice's howling laughter, she plops down next to Azzi with a satisfied grin, intertwining their hands together. And even though Azzi rolls her eyes, she doesn't pull away.

"Was that really necessary?"

Paige gives Azzi an offended look, "of course it was! We never sit apart at the movies."

"But-"

"It's literally rule #43 on the list."

"There's no list."

"Of course there's a list."

"Paige...."

"Azzi!"

The girl in question shakes her head, a small grin betraying how amused she actually is, "were you really jealous of our teammate? Our freshman teammate? Our freshman teammate who clearly has a boyfriend?"

"No," Paige draws out the syllable, "I just like to make sure everyone's following the rules."

"Because you're really big on rules and sticking to them right?"

"Right."

"Well that's too bad," Azzi runs a seductive finger up Paige's arm making her shiver, "guess you won't be breaking CD's rules and sleeping in my bed tonight then?"

"Fuck the rules actually!"

[emil1863]

Playing around with a concept. Might write a fic for it later...

[figsbass]

watching brennan explain dnd so succinctly to beginners really makes me think that he said fuck ally beardsley in season 1 of fantasy high. they'll figure it out on their feet