#like Cas did rebel before Dean multiple times

[adreamoverlife]

Is this a safe place to admit I don’t really like the way Castiel is often talked about in relation to destiel or will I be crucified for the second time

[nexus-my-beloved]

Has anyone ever really thought in detail about the fact that Cas fell for Dean. I know we acknowledge it, sure. We all know he did it. "I rebelled, for you", sure. But.

Cas fell as an angel multiple times and each time he went to Dean he was turned away at some point. And, as understanding as Cas may be to Dean's motives, it likely registered each time as something Cas did wrong. Because Cas always does something wrong. ( "Something happened, something went wrong-" "why does that something always seem to be you?" ) Cas has given up everything that he is and was for Dean and he's been turned away countless times, left to make it on his own, and hope he finds a way. An angel has been homeless, struggling to survive because the one he is in this state for turned him away.

Boiled down to its essence, Destiel is awful because it works like someone always trying to please the other but never being enough. "I gave up what I was so that I could be with you." "I liked you better before." is what their whole dynamic seems like, at least on one side. Cas, in the beginning, when he was an angel that had not yet been tainted, was revered by Dean and Dean was scared of him in a way. Once Cas fell for Dean? Things were different. Because he's an angel, or because he was, he needs to know /everything/, but it isn't all explained to him. He doesn't know what happens for normal people in the world, he has no concept of normal, he's lost and confused and he doesn't get help and he gets patronized and sent away because of it. Because he doesn't understand. Because he isn't human but he tries so hard to be for /Dean/.

Destiel is awful and horrible but it's great at the same time because of a myriad of things, but at some point in time, one of them always thinks they're doing awful, or there's miscommunication, or they push each other away. They can't be together because they don't talk things through. If they did, they'd be great- but they don't, and unfortunately that's the only universe, the only chance they ever had. Where Cas died telling Dean he loved him when the sacrifices Cas made throughout the years said it loud enough for it to not have to be said for any reason other than to put the nail in the coffin that Dean didn't notice or didn't know how to go through with it.

[youchangedmedestiel]

My thoughts just after finishing Supernatural

One year ago on this exact same day I finished SPN. I watched 15x18, 15x19 and 15x20 in a row. I just ate dinner between 15x18 and 15x19 (weird dinner). After watching episode 15x20, I wasn't that pissed off about the end. It changed now, because I got the time to think about it.

See, I knew Cas wouldn’t appear in the last two episodes, but somehow I still hoped that the deal with the Empty wasn’t the reason, because he deserved to be happy. As I progressed through season 15 I felt it coming, even though I was hoping until the last second. And when I got to episode 15x18, I understood that it was this deal that was going to kill him but I didn't know how. That confession scene destroyed me but anyway I went to eat my dinner while being destroyed and then I came back to SPN to watch the last two episodes, knowing I wouldn’t see Cas anymore.

Then came episode 15x19, I've read often that people prefer to ignore 15x20 and I can totally understand (Dean deserved to live free and happy), but 15x19 is NOT a satisfying ending for me, because Cas is still in the Empty (well maybe not, but we don’t know that yet) and I just can’t, he can’t stay there, dead, I can’t accept that.

This is what allows me to appreciate 15x20 a little bit. But it’s not the only reason, because in this last episode I spotted several empty bottles of alcohol in Dean’s room and you all know why. He misses Cas, for sure, at least it’s my headcanon because I need it. Plus, he doesn’t stay long alive after Cas’s death, there is no real timeline. He couldn’t ask Jack to bring him back because Jack told them he wouldn’t intervene anymore and left. So maybe their hopes to get Cas out without Jack were at zero. But I’m sure Dean searched in the bunker’s library when he had the time to before he died. He searched for a way to get Cas out. And then he died (unfortunately, it still hurts). 

Which brings us to episode 15x20. The end of SPN is “good” in a sense that Dean wanted Sam to have a life, a normal apple pie life, so it’s a happy ending for that, because he achieved his goal but HE DESERVED to have that too, for himself, that or anything he wanted, not only for his little brother but FOR HIM AS WELL. 

AND ABOUT CAS? Well about Cas, especially the crumbles we got with “Cas helped” I totally understand why people feel pissed about it, I kind of feel like that too now. But when I first saw this scene, I was happy to hear about Cas because I already knew he wasn’t in the last two episodes so I wasn’t going to be as disappointed as people that waited to see the episode when it aired.

We learn that Cas remade Heaven (with Jack’s help) to do a Heaven Dean deserves, and I - for me it was like Cas fucking succeeded to give Dean what he deserved. He not only saved his life multiple times, but also told him he loved him, made him believe that he did and gave him freedom (for a short amount of time, I’m really pissed about that for sure and I’m sure Cas is too, like he wasn’t expecting him so soon) but he also changed Heaven for him, to make one he deserved.

HE CHANGED THEE ENTIRE HEAVEN FOR THE MAN HE LOVES. I’m going to cry writing this, because that’s like the greatest love story ever told. And yes I would have done things differently, but I can’t and with what they gave us I do what I want. And we have an angel of the Lord, that rebelled against Heaven and that was dead, being back and building a new Heaven for Dean to enjoy eternity with the people he loved. He knew Dean was made of love and he needed a space to express it, and Cas gave it to him (with Jack of course) but damn *typing with tears in the eyes* that still hits me soooo damn hard. Because when someone love you enough to tell you they do without excepting something in return, sacrifice themselves while doing it without having an answer about whether their feelings are requited, and remake Heaven for you to have the afterlife/eternity you deserve, nothing can beat that. THIS here, this is what grabs my heart and clenches it every damn time. The greatest love story ever told. No one, NO ONE can change my mind.

[roachingurcoach]

“So spare me your contempt Castiel, the self-hating Angel of Thursday. You know what every other version of you did after ‘gripping him tight and raising him from Perdition?’ They did what they were told. But not you. Not the one off the line with a crack in his chassis."

Chuck was a lying liar who lies, and here's why:

Apocalypse!verse Castiel was scarred and insane. You could argue that the scarring perhaps had something to do with his alternate Jimmy Novak, who was still his vessel, or maybe excessive battling in the war they were in the middle of (and all the wars that came before), but there is a very high possibility that his mental state and appearance were due to frequent 'reprogramming' (a.k.a. brainwashing involving extreme torture). In season eight, we are shown scenes of Naomi torturing Castiel in order to get him to comply with her commands with a device that is needle-shaped and drill-like, involving puncturing mainly the face and very close to the eyes. Apocalypse!verse Castiel's face and eyes are heavily scarred-- to me, this implies that he had to be 'reset' so many times that even his grace couldn't keep up with the healing needed on his vessel, and damaged his mind to the point of being unrecognizable as who we know of as Castiel. He fought to rebel and go against Heaven and Chuck's chosen narrative for his universe (though he likely didn't know about that) so many times that he lost his mind and his capability of performing free will through excessive torture.

Arguably, this Castiel didn't have a Dean, and therefore must have been compliant, because he had no catalyst to not do what he was told. While he didn't have a Dean to encourage him in this universe to rebel in the large way he did in the mainverse, we know that Castiel rebelled before, though those rebellions were smaller, and the 'corrections' made of him weren't escaped. Multiple times throughout the show, other angels derisively remark about Castiel's rebellious nature, even before we see them interacting with him regularly, and before he's committed multiple acts of rebellion on screen after meeting the Winchesters, mainly Dean. Further on, angels admit that Castiel has been brainwashed before (as seen when Castiel tells Dean he 'doesn't serve man, and certainly doesn't serve (him)' (paraphrased) after previously being friendly to Dean and assisting him, exhibiting a strange behavioral change after he returns from Heaven), also implying that his memories of said events have been wiped (he doesn't know he's being controlled by Naomi until the crypt scene in season eight, and considering he didn't know who she was when she was so familiar with him, his memory must have been altered). While some of these things may have been throwaway detailing, later down the line they were built upon, and grew to indicate that at heart, Castiel actively pushes to achieve free will and do what he believes is right.

Endverse!Castiel was still partially recognizable as our Castiel, and for what we had seen of him at that point in time, he behaved understandably for someone who spent most of his existence angelic and fully-powered with constant access to his trueform and a supply of grace: he drowned himself in various chemicals through sex and/or drugs in order to avoid focusing on his near-humanity and his powerlessness when he used to be able to perform feats no human could ever top, escape from fights without a scratch, and maybe even just communicate with other angels and his friends(?) in Heaven, who had by that point abandoned him for staying behind. With Dean. Who was even more of a dick to him, and Castiel still stayed by his side, even if they no longer got along.

In this universe, we also see Chuck, who could have been (and most likely was) included there as merely a familiar person, but in retrospect, one of his lines and his very presence can be taken to mean something else.

"Yeah. I don't think Cas is going anywhere." (Chuck Shurley to Past!Dean Winchester in The End)

This line is said with a smile on his face, and a kind of what, are you kidding? look at Dean. Partially because Dean should know where Castiel is, and partially because Castiel is. Not. Leaving. In the future, we know that Chuck is god, and very likely, that means he has been god for a good long time. This means he was present and 'managing' the Endverse, whose timeline was slightly ahead of past!Dean's universe (which we know is possible with Chuck making a claim about what every other Castiel did (in the past tense)).

Knowing that he was/is god, and knowing that he liked to interfere when a 'story' didn't go the way he'd planned or wanted, Chuck's statement about Castiel not leaving and the expression on his face when he said so implies that he has tried to make Castiel leave, and every time, Castiel has found some way to thwart this, even unknowingly, and that Chuck has at this point resigned himself to his (yet another Castiel) not complying, even subconsciously, and has molded this world and Castiel in a way that he considers a compromise: he gets an ending where everyone dies in a way he sees fit. Both brothers are killed by Lucifer, and Castiel dies separately from his closest companions in battle for a borderline meaningless cause. Further reinforcement of Chuck having interfered with the Endverse and specifically Endverse!Castiel is when he tells Metatron (correct me if that's not who he says this to) that he doesn't even remember how many times he's reset or brought Castiel back, which indicates that Castiel has deviated from his written path many times before his more current ones in the main universe, and in all of Chuck's other universes with all of his other Castiels.

You may not agree with my takes on the validity or reality of the alternate worlds we were shown (e.g. the Endverse potentially being constructed fictionally by Zachariah in order to convince Dean to agree to being Michael's vessel), on characterizations of the AU!Castiels, or on when Chuck was god, but despite my potential inaccuracies, my various statements hold up as examples of Castiel being so very devoted to rebelling and/or staying with Dean Winchester that he required constant altering and monitoring in order to get him to stay in line and die when he was supposed to in Chuck's narrative in every single universe he exists.

Castiel rebelled in every universe, and in most of them, he was finally broken free because of Dean. They may not have won in those universes, but they were a thorn in Chuck's side that lead to his defeat* in the main universe.

*if you believe that Chuck didn't win in the mainverse.

[bing-bang-bingo]

- 4x3: c. 40:00 Cas comforts Dean after Mary makes a deal w/ Azazel

- 4x7: 15:50 Dean stops Sam from shooting Cas, then Sam mentions that he’s “heard a lot about him”

- 4x7: 39:00 Cas tells Dean he prayed he’d save the town, then he tells him about his doubts and Deans future troubles

- 4x10 & ???: Dean calls “last night on Earth” his best line. He uses this line on Cas

- 4x10: 27:15 “Castiel has this weakness. He likes you.”

- 4x10: 32:50 Cas looking jealous and sad when Dean kisses Anna

- 4x16: 7:30 Cas tells Dean he got in trouble for showing emotion and getting to close to Dean. 8:20 “I would give anything not to have you do this”

- 4x16: 39:00 Cas warns Dean to be careful while Dean is in the hospital, they discuss the first seal and saving Dean from hell

- 4x18: 31:30 Cas tells Dean how to save Sam from Lilith even though he’s not allowed to interfere

- 4x20: 38:00 Deans face when Cas tells him he “learned his lesson when he was in heaven”

- 4x22: 30:40 Cas considers rebelling for Dean. 33:00 He does. 35:20 He fights multiple Archangels for Dean

- 5x1: 5:45 Dean denies Cas’ death 8:25 “I learned that from my friend Cas you son of a bitch”

- 5x1: 31:00 Cas saves Sam and Dean from Zach

- 5x3: 6:10 Cas-“I need your help because your the only one who will help me”

- 5x3: 10:20 Dean fixes Cas’ tie and jacket

- 5x4: 38:50 “Don’t Ever Change”

- 5x8: 38:20 Dean makes Gabriel bring Cas back, then makes sure he’s okay

- 5x13: ?:?? Cas won’t let Dean meet with Anna because it’s not safe

- 5x17: 30:30 Cas and Dean discuss what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad

- 5x18: 25:15 Cas kicks Deans ass for trying to sacrifice himself

- 5x21: 3:50 Cas and Dean bickering like and old married couple then Cas gives Dean a heartfelt apology.

- 6x17: 18:55 “No you’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you.”

- 6x17: 38:00 Sam: “So you killed 50,000 people for us?” Cas: *looks at Dean*

- 6x19: 25:20 Bobby reassures Cas that they’ll be back soon, Cas acts like a worried and disappointed wife.

- 6x19: 36:25 Cas yelling “Dean!” when Eve bites him

- 6x19: 40:00 Dean is the only one who doesn’t think Cas is working with Crowley (he’s wrong but it’s sweet)

- 6x20: 4:50 Dean v v worried, “But Cas you’ll call right? If you get into real trouble?”

- 6:30 Crowley implies that Cas is distracted by Dean and tells him he reeks of the Impala.

- 7:20 Cas says that Dean taught him how to care and what to care about. Then Cas saves Sam (for Dean)

- 13:15 Cas says that the worst part of working with Crowley (basically his sworn natural enemy) is that it hurt Dean and that he hated lying to him.

- 25:20 Cas refuses to ask Dean for help because he has “sacrificed too much” even though it means Cas could die.

- 26:00 Crowley tells Cas he has a way for everyone to get a happy ending “with all possible entendres intended” while Cas stares longingly at Dean.

- 33:00 Dean is close to tears when he learns that Cas is working with Crowley, Cas says he did it to protect Dean.

- 35:25 “Dammit Cas we can fix this!” “Dean it’s not broken!” He then tells the boys to run from the demon cloud and Dean gives him the saddest look in the world before being forced to leave him behind.

- 38:00 Cas watches Dean sleep. “I’m doing this for you Dean. I’m doing this because of you!”

- 6x21: 22:40 “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I’ve just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”

- 6x22: Dean to Cas- “Don’t make me lose you, too.”

- 7x2: 5:35 Dean nearly cries on screen when he thinks Cas is dead

- 7x17: Cas says “I remember ~you~” as soon as he regains his memories.

- 7x17: Cas ask why Dean didn’t tell him all the horrible things Cas did. Parallels the conversation Karen and Dean had about telling Bobby she remembered him killing her and her telling Dean that he had never been on love before.

- 7x21: The face Dean makes when he sees Cas again plus the prolonged eye contact when Cas says Deans name.

- 7x21: Hester telling Dean that when Cas first saved him from Hell he was lost- parallels- Lucifer/Jess saying she was dead the moment she met Sam.

- 7x23: 8:50 “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.” Meg to Dean about Cas

- 7x23: 32:45 “I’m sorry but I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”

- 7x23: 36:50 Cas steps in to protect Dean despite spending the whole season avoiding fighting and saying he won’t fight.

- 8x2: 25:00 Cas ran away to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Dean refuses to leave purgatory without Cas.

- 8x7: 20:30 Deans reaction to seeing Cas all cleaned up.

- 8x7: Dean convinced himself that it was his fault Cas was still in purgatory because he’s a sweet idiot boy who hates himself

- 8x7: 35:00 The whole Dean and Cas conversation about purgatory and Cas doing stuff that puts him in danger.

- 8x8: 12:30 Cas just casually going through Deans stuff and Dean not saying anything.

- 8x8: 13:00 Cas offering to watch over Dean while he slept

- 8x8: 15:15 Dean talks to Cas about feelings and heaven even though Dean hates talking about feelings.

- 8x17: Cas fights Naomi’s mind control for Dean

- 8x23: 22:50 Dean and Cas sadly discuss Cas closing the doors of heaven and say goodbye

- 9x1: Dean prays to Cas and tells him he isn’t mad about the angels falling.

- 9x1: Cas’ first instinct is to explain himself to Dean then to come help him.

- 9x1: Dean begs Cas to “for once, look out for yourself.”

- 9x3: 36:45 Dean to Cas after Cas came back from the dead “Don’t you ever do that again!”

- 9x6: Literally just Dean trying desperately the whole episode to hang out with Cas

- 9x10: 26:00 Dean and Cas talk about how Cas is doing and Dean offers him a rare sincere apology. Plus the “I prefer the term ‘trusting’. Less dumb, less ass.” dialogue

- 9x18: Cas’ little smile when Dean makes a joke about Honor Bars and Cas is just so happy to hear his voice.

- 9x18: Metatron’s illusion of Gabriel calls Cas Dean’s boy-toy

- 9x18: Cas can tell something is wrong with Dean, then Cas yells at Dean about getting the Mark of Cain

- 9x22: Cas chooses Dean over all of Heaven once again

- 9x22: The Cas and Dean conversation about the three of them being enough when an army wasn’t and Cas giving up an army all for Dean

- 9x23: “I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace.”

- 10x1: 5:00 Cas about Dean- “I miss him.”

- 10x2: 9:00 Cas’ reaction to learning that Dean is a demon

- 10x3: The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end of the episode. “You look terrible” “You on the other hand, your looking good.”

- 10x5: Deans reaction to Cas and Dean actors hugging and holding hands

- 10x5: “Put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” *looks directly at fake Cas*

- 10x9: 15:00 Cas tells Dean he’s a good role model. Then asks him if he’s okay and when Dean lies and says he is he pushes it further. Dean makes Cas promise to kill him if he goes Dark

- 10x22: Dean and Cas fight and parallel Cain and his Wife.

- 10x23: Dean sees Cas’ bloody face in the mirror

- 11x1: Cas being more worried about Dean than himself even though Cas is under a spell that will kill him.

- 11x2: Dean calling Cas and stressing out when he doesn’t answer

- 11x3: Dean trying to coax Cas out of the attack dog spell, refusing to fight back when Cas was attacking, freaking out when Cas took a minute to wake up, refusing to let Cas heal him (because he “had it coming”), and refusing to let Cas apologize (because “there’s nothing to apologize for”).

- 11x10: “Dean, I came as soon as you called.” Also: “Stick your tongue out.” Dean-*does*

- 11x11: Dean realizing that something is wrong with Cas (while he is possessed by Lucifer)

- 11x11: Mildred says that Dean is pining for someone else(probably meant to be a reference to Amara, but she told him this after he had seen Cas for the first time in a few days.)

- 11x14: The sadness on Deans face when he realizes Cas is Lucifer and then his determination to save Cas

- 11x15: Dean getting kinda dark when he talks about what he’s willing to do to save Cas and he prioritizes saving Cas over bearing Amara.

- 11x17: Dean once again prioritizing saving Cas over saving the world. Sam reassuring Dean that they’ll save Cas (even though Dean didn’t say anything about what was upsetting him)

- 11x17: The camera zooming in on Dean after Michelle says that there is no normal after losing the man you love.

- 11x18: Dean refuses to put Lucifer in the cage or let him fight Amara while using Cas as his vessel.

- 11x18: The difference in the way Dean looks at Lucifer vs at Cas

- 11x18: Dean about Cas: “Lets go find that idiot and bring him home.”

- 11x19: Dean has been looking for leads non stop for a week since Amara took Cas

- 11x21: Amara uses Cas’s heart to find Dean, then shows Dean images of Cas beaten and bloodied to convince him to turn against Chuck

- 11x23: Dean’s face when he realizes Cas is back and Lucifer is gone.

- 11x23: Dean tells Cas he isn’t stupid and that he always helps

- 11x23: Cas: “Dean are you okay? How do you feel?”

- 11x23: Cas hugging Dean super tight before he goes off to die. Dean entrusting his life’s purpose (look after Sam) then thanking him for everything.

- 12x1: Cas seeing that Dean is alive and hugging him while his voice breaks.

- 12x1: Cas taking the job Dean have him very seriously

- 12x2: Dean adorably venting to Cas about his mommy-issues

- 12x3: Dean- “Morning sunshine want some coffee.” Cas- “No thank you.”

- 12x7: “Well at least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” They are such husbands

- 12x7: “Engaged in what Cas? killing you?”

- 12x8: Cas being so worried about what happened to Sam and DEAN that Kelly escaped.

- 12x9: Mary-“You left them!” Cas- *voice breaking* “Dean told me to go!” Also, just Cas looking so hard for them.

- 12x9: Cas blaming himself for Sam and Dean being taken

- 12x9 Cas knowing how long the boys have been gone down to the hour.

- 12x9: Cas’s voice and eyes when he hears Dean’s voice on the phone.

- 12x9: Cas killing Billie because “You mean too much to me” and “The world needs as many Winchesters as it can get.”

- 12x10: Poor Sam having to deal with Cas and Dean while they fight like an old married couple.

- 12x10: Dean immediately telling Ishim to go to hell when he insults Cas

- 12x10: Sam telling Dean to go to Cas when Dean thought Cas was in trouble

- 12x10: Cas immediately believing Dean about Ishim even though they’re mad at each other. Dean about to let Ishim kill him to save Cas.

- 12x10: Ishim comparing Dean and Cas’s relationship to Ishims relationship with his human lover, then saying he was going to cut Cas’s human weakness

- 12x11: “And Cas is my best friend.”

- 12x12: Dean about Cas- “My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here...”

- 12x12: Dean stressing out and voice breaking as he tries to comfort poisoned Cas

- 12x12: LITERALLY TOLD DEAN THAT HE LOVED HIM WHILE CAS WAS DYING

- 12x12: *looking at Dean* “I love you.” Then adds “I love all of you”

- 12x12: Cas- “Run.” Dean- “Cas, no.”

- 12x12: The look Dean gives Cas when he won’t stop staring at him after he’s healed.

- 12x14: Dean says some very harsh stuff to Mary after finding out the reason they Cas almost died at the lake house was because Mary was working for the British Men of Letters

- 12x15: Dean could tell something was up with Cas after talking to him for less than a minute, over the phone.

- 12x18: Sam trying to make Dean feel better about not hearing from Cas.

- 12x19: Dean literally always acting like a scorned wife when Cas comes back after long periods of time

- 12x19: Dean made Cas a mixtape

- 12x19: Cas- “I ~needed~ to came back here with a win for you.”

- 12x19: Cas- *gesturing between Dean and himself* “You mean... we?” Dean- “Yes, dumbass, we.”

- 12x23: Dean screaming for Cas when he attacks Lucifer and trying to chase after him forcing Sam to drag Dean back through the rift. A direct parallel to Dean pulling Sam away from Jess and the fire in Pilot

- 12x23: Dean kneeling next to Cas’s dead body looking up at the sky completely devastated.

- 13x1: Dean couldn’t bring himself to say dead when referring to Cas

- 13x1: Dean PRAYED to GOD to bring Cas back

- 13x1: “We just lost ~everything~. And now you’re gonna bring ~him~ back.”

- 13x1: Dean personally wrapping Cas’s body and giving him a hunters funeral.

- 13x1: The look of complete devastation on Dean’s face when he burns Cas’s body.

- 13x3: Dean refusing to help save Jack because he blames him for manipulating Cas and getting him killed.

- 13x4: The Empty to Cas: “I know what you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He loves Dean and Cas fears that Dean doesn’t love him back.

- 13x5: Sam being worried about Dean who has given up all hope since Cas died.

- 13x5: Dean being so distressed thinking Cas is gone forever that he tries to kill himself

- 13x5: Dean seeing Cas alive again and they both have tears in their eyes.

- 13x6: Dean hugging Cas and saying he’s been gone for “too damn long”

- 13x6: Dean being immediately happier and nicer to everyone once Cas is back

- 13x6: Cas saying “Yes. Yes, he does” (in response to Jack saying Dean really likes cowboys) with the tone of an exhausted spouse.

- 13x6: “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”

- 13x6: Dean made Cas watch Tombstone with him.

- 13x6: Dean and Cas dresses like cowboy husbands.

- 13x6: Cas saying “I’m your huckleberry” to Dean in a deep accent and Dean looking away.

- 13x6: Their undercover names are Russel and Kilmer

- 13x14: The whole scene where Cas and Dean fight Gog/Magog and act like an old married couple.

- 13x14: The angry, dark look Cas gives Donatello when he tries to kill Dean

- 13x16: “Dean has him by the thigh!” Cas, jealously: “He ~what~?”

- 13x16: “and that includes the Cartwright twins.” Cas, again jealously: “what did you do with the Cartwright twins?”

- 13x19: Cas angrily confronting Naomi about forcing him to kill a bunch of Dean clones.

- 13x21: Cas secretly sliding Dean more pizza when Mary and Sam left the room.

- 13x21: Cas having to hold Dean back from going after Sam. Dean would have beat the shit out of anyone else who tried to stop him.

- 13x23: Cas trying to stop Dean from giving himself to Michael even if it meant losing Sam AND Jack

- 13x23: Cas sitting alone in the bum jet with tears in his eyes after Dean left

- 14x1: Demon: “How is it you lost Dean. I thought you two were joined at the... everything.”

- 14x1: Dean trying to save Cas from Lucifer then vs Cas trying to save Dean from Michael now

- 14x3: The look that Dean and Cas give each other when Dean comes home.

- 14x9: Cas almost being happy seeing Dean happy. And then having to force himself to not be happy so he doesn’t die.

- 14x12: Cas being phased at Dean for wanting to put himself in the box with Michael forever

- 14x14: Cas is the only Dean will let talk to him about Michael and be honest about how Dean feels

- 14x14: “No, it’s on us.”

- 14x14: Cas’s voice breaking when he talks about the possibility of Dean dying one day.

- 14x18: The pure self loathing in Cas’s eyes when he feels like he failed Dean by not telling him about Jack’s soul.

- 15x2: “You asked ‘what about all of this is real?’ We are.” THE MOST ROMANTIC LINE EVER. (Plus later Eileen and Sam have the same conversation but they get to kiss because homophobia)

- 15x9- 20:00 Dean said that they lost everyone they cared about, then added Cas specifically. Then he says “I had to bury him” not “we”

- 15x9- 23:00 Dean cries when he can’t find Cas. Then he prays to him and apologizes for letting him go. He falls to his knees praying to him and fully crying

- 15x12: “I created the world.” *shows Destiel*

- 15x15: This time when Dean sees Cas leaving the bunker, he stops him. (In reference to Cas saying “you didn’t stop me” when Dean got mad at him for leaving)

- 15x16: This is the the only version of Cas that rebelled for Dean. This universe is literally being saved repeatedly because of Cas’s love for Dean

- 15x18: CAS CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO DEAN then goes to mega hell for being gay

Anyway, Cas loves Dean and Dean LOVES HIM BACK, OKAY?!?!? Feel free to add more

[ficforthought]

On being SO DONE with M*sha, a rant a decade in the making!

After giving this some thought I'm going to go ahead and give my opinion on Misha and yesterday’s situation in public for the first time ever. I was going to just post on Twitter but since this has been 12 years in the making I have exceeded the number of tweets I can put in one thread! There’s A LOT in here, so my summary is also long. I'm aware that I will lose followers over this, I'm not looking to offend anyone but it will inevitably happen. I wish anyone leaving all the best as fellow human beings.

TL;DR - having kept quiet for so long I’ve finally reached my limit and it’s all come bubbling out. I’ve never been a fan of Misha, I’ve been ambivalent for the most part, but have never criticised him in any hateful way, that's not who I am, but after all these years of putting up with his bullshit, attention seeking and troublemaking I am DONE. Deleting his tweet containing the word Wincest and replacing it with an APOLOGY just to pander to his Minions and save face is the straw that broke the camel's back. He has consistently pushed his ship on not only fans but on other actors (despite Jensen's discomfort, and him having repeatedly made his feelings known on it), he has stood by while his Minions/Hellers have harassed, victimised, doxxed and sent death threats to people based on their FICTIONAL ships. He has pandered to their gatekeeping, constantly demanded attention in obvious and not so obvious ways, and to the best of my knowledge never criticised their actions even though he's aware of it in a very real way. Some of his Minions have now taken their shit into The Boys fandom and created negativity for Jensen before the guy has even got a foot through the set door, and how is that supporting one half of your ship?

Misha has claimed to be a victim of targeted harassment from Wincest/brother fans (not only shippers) yet his fans have said and done the most despicable things on his watch, all in the name of what he must think is entertainment, or even his idea of a ‘joke’.

Any respect I had for the man based on his humanitarian work has gone because I can only take so much hypocrisy. He and his pandering because of a desperate attempt to be woke and wholly inclusive (which is actually impossible, no matter how good intentions are) are beyond pathetic. Whilst I have never seen why people think he’s so great I have friends IRL and online who genuinely adore the man, yet they have been shocked and upset by his contempt for half of the fandom that made him somewhat famous. It's disgusting and I'm not scrolling by any more. Misha, I hope to never see you on anything J2 related in future because none of us need that kind of negativity, *especially* not J2. Be gone, foul fiend!

OK, so to the too long part. Please be aware that these are my opinions as a fan of the show, of Sam and Dean, and J2, not only as a shipper. I can separate canon and fanon, and can view canon from a gen or shippy PoV. Whether you agree or disagree with my opinion let me be clear that I do not condone constant bashing and hate of a person or character so this isn’t the start of a regular thing for me. It's possible to have an opinion and not show the same vitriol that has been following this man around for years, and that’s what I’m doing. I've not posted this to prompt more negativity, it's simply to get it off my chest and make it clear how I feel. I stand by my philosophy of ship who you want to ship, enjoy it, but don't force it on other people and don't be a dick about it…hmm, that kinda sounds like familiar behaviour, though, does it not?!

I have ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUE with other people liking Misha, Cas or Destiel when it’s for the love of the characters and the ship. What I *do* have an issue with is people who are the true definition of a Heller. I don’t see that as a generic term, don't be ignorant and think I do because I know the difference between actual ship fans and the crazies, both ships have ‘em and I want no part of either of their venom. If you are reading this and class yourself as a Heller then you are part of the problem so run along and as you are all so fond of saying, 'get help' and take your bestie king with you.

I’m stating my opinion in what I feel is the most mature way I can, because unlike many people on SM, I am an adult and can act accordingly, with forethought and without resorting to temper tantrums and bullying of other people to get my point across. I am able to tell the difference between reality and fiction, I don't tar everyone with the same shipper brush and I don't expect everyone to agree with my opinion, but as we know opinions are like arseholes, we all have them and sometimes they stink. Unlike some, for the most part in life (online and offline) I *do* stand by what I say and don’t backtrack or delete things to appease the masses. I have spent a lot of time writing this out to be as clear as possible without being intentionally hateful. Bear with me jumping between actor and character where relevant, at this point they're conjoined. I will say this before I go any further, it doesn’t end well for Misha, I don’t mince my words and if you don’t like seeing facts and opinions laid out, this isn't the post for you.

I’ll say right off the bat what most of you have surmised - I’ve never held Misha (or Cas) in high esteem but I have never *hated* on him. I have shared mild criticism of his actions and opinions on Cas over the years but never, I feel, in any way that has made me feel I have something to apologise for. I have said several times I've been unhappy about Misha crashing con panels, taking attention away from J2 when at those cons *most* people paid their hard earned money to see the STARS of the show they love, first and foremost, and anyone else is a very nice bonus. The odd appearance here and there crashing a panel is fine (and Misha isn’t the first or last person to do it), maybe take up a few minutes then leave, but when someone commandeers an entire panel, that's just not on. It's not only selfish, rude and attention seeking but also disrespectful to other actors, fans and to the organisers who work hard to make sure everything ties in to give us the best con experience we can have. Everyone gets their turn on stage, there's no need to try and hog any more of the limelight, Veruca Salt style. Oh, and if you’re reading this and not getting that reference, (a) you shouldn’t be on my blog because you’re far too young, (b) look it up, and if you still don’t get what I’m saying… well then please refer to point (a). Thank you, kindly!

There was a time in Kripke's era where Cas was - I feel - intentionally used as a pawn by the writers to divert *canon* from the ‘questionable’ relationship between Sam and Dean, i.e. Wincest focus. Prior to that people (other fans) lightened up and just accepted the fact that Wincest had been there since day one in terms of the writing of the show and the fandom. All the cast and crew knew - J2, Kripke and JDM in particular - and made light of it, never judging, never shaming and often encouraging it because they understand it’s a fun part of fandom. Wincest was present enough to be part of the not so subtle subtext, as I said people just accepted it. Kink tomato was alive and well, so was ‘don’t like, don’t read’ and we all just scrolled over things we didn’t like without turning everything into a personal vendetta and excuse for bullying others who didn’t share our views. When the angels came into the plot I think most of us Wincest fans gave the Dean/Cas innuendos the small laugh they deserved and then turned back to the focus of the show which was the brothers, as it had always been intended. Misha, however, milked those moments as much as possible which was amusing at the start but got old *very* quickly, not just for fans (shippers and non shippers alike), but for other actors, in particular Jensen who is on record MULTIPLE times showing his dislike for Destiel. He told people outright that's not how he was playing the relationship between the two characters and CATEGORICALLY said "Destiel doesn't exist" but did it end there? No, it did not because neither fans or Misha let it go, in fact Misha only pushed more, goaded fans into flogging the same dead horse as much as possible. He’s never stopped, not even when there was so much discord in the fandom, a huge wedge was driven into it because of ships, which IMO he heavily contributed to.

Fast forward to over a decade later (a decade, seriously man, let it fucking go!) he didn’t even stop when Destiel did partially go canon. I have never doubted that Cas loved Dean (Sam, too) because in SPN lore angels are made to love, even rebellious ones. I, along with many others, liked that about Cas because who doesn't love a rebel, especially one rebelling for very good reasons, and because of those two wonderful men? Sam and Dean allowed him to see beyond what he'd been brainwashed to believe his entire existence. The fact is that although the nature of that love changed for Cas, it never did for Dean and was CANONICALLY UNREQUITED because Dean was incapable of loving anyone else as much as he loved Sam. All that mattered to Dean, even when he saw other characters as "family" was still Sam…ALWAYS Sam, every step of the way. Again for those who have too much Misha shaped wax in their ears, that’s canon. Whether people choose to see that love platonically or romantically is up to them, soulmates don't always have to be romantic, either way, brotherly love won out above all else on the show. No amount of Misha screaming ‘hey look, Destiel!’ changed that, but it sure didn’t stop him trying, did it?

So now that the obvious has been stated, here's something else we all know - never once in all of the years on the show did Misha drop rallying of the troops to his precious, ego stroking ship. Never once (that I am aware of) has he called out his Minions and Hellers on their continued harassment of everyone involved in the show and other fans despite the fact that they have bullied, victimised and wished bodily harm, rape and death on people who don't see their ship and because didn't get the ending to the story that they wanted. Not once has Misha shown any remorse for the trauma his "fans" have caused, and I’m taking REAL trauma, here, not the kind Twitter stans see as ‘triggering’ - people have been driven to close SM accounts, attempted, and in some cases succeeded in taking their own lives. These Minions have openly mocked Jared’s struggles with depression and anxiety, and Misha - who claims to be friends with J2 and be supportive of them in every way  - has stood by and let it all play out, knowing full well some of the goings on, if not the full extent of how toxic these people are. We know he sees things being said online, and I have absolutely no doubt he spends time online searching his name for things that are relevant in some way to him in an effort to insert himself into a current conversation, or even start one so that attention is on him. Gotta stay relevant, somehow, right, Mish?

He has actively encouraged bullying by his actions of enabling the behaviours above, both by the flogging of the aforementioned dead horse, AND by not objecting to unacceptable behaviours. Remember when Minions and Hellers were slating J2, particularly Jared, for not posting on SM about BLM and other topics? Yeah, he didn’t ask them to stop doing that, either, even when he was tagged in things along the lines of ‘If Misha can post why can’t J2?’ etc. There have been some token protests, con vids I've seen have show his 'objections' which IMO have been done in a very tongue in cheek way, meaning that those people who needed to be pulled aside and told to change their ways just carried on, because their evil overlord didn’t explicitly explain it in terms a three year old could understand that bullying and forcing your opinion on others is WRONG. Not all of his cult are young and impressionable, not by a long shot, but many of the more vocal and vitriolic ones are.

As a father himself I wonder what Misha would do if he found out that his kids were behaving in ways his Minions are? I’m aware they’re young, but kids are cruel and bullying doesn’t just happen online. Even at whatever age they are, would he laugh it off the way he appears to have done with all of this fandom toxicity? Not bloody likely! I wonder if he’s as desperate to gain the approval of his family, friends and colleagues as he appears to be for that of his Minions/Hellers? I would certainly hope so, but that question can only be answered by Misha, himself, and I can and will not presume to speak on someone else's behalf on things in their personal life. For the record I would never presume I know what J2's answers would be on anything, however I do feel that after 15 years I have an accurate gauge on what kind of people they are so would be confident that any opinion I had on a matter aligns with their morals and ethics. As much as J2 have shared of themselves with us - willingly and under no pressure to do so, I might add - we don't *know* them, but we know enough to have an informed opinion. I can’t say the same for Misha because based on the behaviour he’s repeatedly displayed, things I've heard about from other fans as well as people I know IRL who have had direct dealings with him through cons or GISH (including some very actively in the early days when it was GISHWHES) he just hasn’t seemed like a person I wanted to follow on SM. I’ve never watched any of his solo panels, though I have watched ones with both or one of the J's, mostly being left irritated because of his behaviour. Watching the J’s put up with that shit is painful, and it’s a testament to how good they are as actors that they managed to hide at least some of their disdain for as long as they did. Microexpressions give them away, particularly Jensen, and they certainly have faces I have spent many years watching closely. Beautiful faces to go with beautiful souls, both of them! <3

I have precisely ZERO interest in Destiel as a ship, very little interest in Cas as a character anymore (though I did like him in the early days,and his relationship with Jack in late seasons) so I have absolutely no reason or desire to follow anything Misha does. That said, I've obviously been peripherally aware of some things he's been involved in because of friends, from things I’ve seen on SM and general fandom stuff. Despite the things I've already mentioned about his behaviour, up until now I have been able to maintain a level of respect for him as a person because of the humanitarian and charity work he's done. He seems like someone who really does want to change the world for the better and I am in full support of that fact, so much so that I have supported TWO campaigns relating to him. I bought one of the Super Good t-shirts for the campaign he did with Michael Sheen (a true angel!), the SPN/Good Omens x-over to help homeless charities, and I chose the design with text only and not artwork of Michael and Misha on, basically because I didn’t want to be wearing something with Misha’s face on it and I make absolutely no apology for that, whatsoever. I also bought Alex's #TheEndHasNoEnd shirt, which some of the profits went to Random Acts who do great work, so again, despite not liking Misha I still willingly contributed for a cause bigger than me, and to support Alex, who I absolutely ADORE. I'm aware that Stands aren't popular with some of the fandom, however since most of the cast of SPN are happily affiliated with them then I don't feel it's my place to either judge, or to discuss topics I know next to nothing about. But I digress, as a decent human being I have shown support tangentially to a man who I don't care for out of respect for the work he does outside the fandom. Telling you this isn’t to paint myself in a good light - I don’t need your approval, I’m a big girl, unlike some I don’t need constant validation! - only to provide background on how I’ve actively *not* hated on Misha.

Now though, any respect I had for him has come to an abrupt end, the events of the past 24 hours has seen to that. Whilst I have been annoyed at his behaviour in regards to shipping, I don't feel it's ever gone this far, or at least not that I've seen first hand. This man has, IMO, contributed to so much toxicity in the fandom by way of things I've mentioned before, he's claimed - without actually saying the words - that Wincest fans weren't interested in him as a character when he came onto the show, and hasn’t felt included because of the fans’ love of the brothers. Um, hate to break it to you, love, but when you come onto an established show that is about two people, and you’re a *guest star* you can’t expect everyone to love you. Some characters we as individuals do fall in love with straight away (Bobby, Charlie, Crowley and Rowena are good examples for me), it takes time to establish a dynamic, so if that’s how he felt then it was incredibly naive of him as an actor to expect instant acceptance from anyone. Also, why wait until after the show finished to bring it up AGAIN … oh wait, yeah, that would be to step back into the limelight in a way intended to garner sympathy from Minions and INTENTIONALLY piss off bro fans and Wincest shippers alike? How fucking self centred, desperate and disrespectful do you have to be to shit all over the finale of a show that for the most part accepted you and kept you in paid work for 12 years? Well, Misha Collins levels of all of those things, obviously.  

So, on the topics of self centred, desperate to stay relevant, attention seeking and being oh so needy, the tweet yesterday from Amazon mentioned Castiel. He wasn’t tagged in it, so I refer to my earlier comment about searching online, because how else would he have possibly seen that? It’s possible someone sent it to him, I appreciate that, but if we go off past behaviour it’s not any stretch at all to believe that didn’t happen. So, once again, having seen the tweet he took it upon himself to - oh so predictably - turn it into something relating to Destiel. When I saw it I immediately rolled my eyes and thought ‘here we go again’, but then also had a little smile because I really liked the fact that he explicitly mentioned Wincest, therefore seeming to accept that his poor old dead horse wasn’t the only one in the race. I actually mentally tipped my hat to him then because it appeared that he’s matured enough to acknowledge by name the ship that predates his inclusion on the show. Great, I thought, this is a positive thing in a sea of negativity surrounding the man and his sunken ship, because what followed was Wincest trending in the US (it may also have been other countries as well but I had to sleep!) … largely due to the fact that Hellers were responding to it, calling him out on mentioning the dreaded ‘W’ word. I’ll repeat that because it’s been a rare occurrence up to that point… the Minions were actually disappointed with their overlord for mentioning another ship. We all know what they think of it and I for one, don’t give a flying fuck about their opionion. Ship and let ship, it’s all fun (or meant to be) so we have different tastes, that’s life kiddiwinks, deal with it. I mean, you really don’t have much of an example set for you when your king has proven several times over to be one of the biggest obnoxious brats out there, but just give it a try for your own sakes, yeah? Awesome, good on you, besties!

An unexpected development - to my joy and that of other Wincest shippers - them doing that got the topic trending, only *kept* trending by the fact that were all coming online asking why it was trending. Wincest shippers barely lifted a finger, we just flooded each other’s timelines with lovely content and basked in the Hellers - and Misha - shooting themselves in the foot, which was awesome. But did the vitriol stop? No. Did he get the attention he so clearly craves? Yes. Was it in the way he wanted? Fuck no, so poor, emotionally wounded baby backtracked after seeing that his name was trending alongside Wincest because that’s *so* not what someone narcissistic to do it in the first place, wanted.

Now here’s where I could easily have just moved on with an unusually fond chuckle, giving him an ironic pat on the back and a ‘thanks, Misha’ for being the one to instigate hours of fun, but once again his despicable behaviour made that impossible. It’s been more than obvious for many years that he cares more about what his fans think than anything else to do with the show and the fandom in a larger sense, but to delete the tweet and APOLOGISE for daring to be so insensitive to the snowflakes’ delicate sensibilities for mentioning Wincest in the first place was absolutely disgusting. Stating , “I used a term that I had never really given any thought to other than, "that's a thing?! Yuck." is not only complete and utter bullshit, it’s pandering of the highest order.  

We all know he has referred to Wincest on multiple occasions, so to say he hadn’t thought about is a flat out lie, which IMO is an insult to everyone, not just Wincest shippers. Does the man have no self respect at all, why would you contradict yourself in the face of such overwhelming evidence? Instead of either ignoring all the people calling him out, or addressing it with another tweet saying ‘yeah, that happened’ or something similar he chose, I repeat, CHOSE the route of claiming he didn’t realise he was being offensive to people who felt ‘triggered’ by him using the word Wincest. He basically shat all over an entire ship and large sector of the fandom in an attempt to appease his own fan base which consists of a lot of children (or those that act like children) who have no idea what RL is like.

Once again, he’s reinforced the idea that if you shout loud enough at someone just because you don’t like something they said, they will back down and apologise for something even when there’s nothing to apologise for. If he wants to be such a role model then he could easily have pointed out that a fictional ship doesn’t condone RL incest, any ACTUAL trauma people have suffered because of RL situations, and made an effort to make sure people understand that. He COULD have used it as an opportunity to do some good in the fandom by encouraging people to build bridges, to accept that people are entitled to their beliefs and that sometimes we see things differently but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t treat others with BASIC HUMAN DECENCY because of it. Instead he YET AGAIN chose to show that he cares more about what Minions think of him, keeping them onside to constantly stroke his unbelievably fragile ego in everything he does.

It is my understanding that Misha is big on (or claims to be big on) putting positive energy out into the world, treating people with respect, helping others and accepting people for who they are, not who you want them to be… all this after YEARS of consistently practising what he preaches only when it suits him. He sends out a message that it’s perfectly OK to bully, to spread hate, to draw attention to yourself at the cost of others, to throw colleagues and friends under the bus and at the same time use them to further your own agenda and get hits for your YouTube channel. Is this really the legacy he wants to leave? Is this an environment he wants his own kids to grow up in as well as future generations? Is this what he thinks is a valuable contribution as a human being? JFC, the arrogance, hypocrisy and the need for constant validation this man exhibits is nothing short of cringeworthy… actually it’s beyond that. It’s deplorable behaviour, it’s not new, and he will continue to act like this for as long as he’s being enabled and this harmful cycle needs to end.

I have friends IRL and online who are (now, possibly, were) big Misha fans, who have supported him from either the beginning of his run on the show, or since they started watching, and this is how he repays this behaviour? He’s willfully alienating decent people (including multishippers) all to make himself look good by being seen to do everything he can not to offend people. Spoiler alert, you DID offend people, you continue to do so time and again and we’ve had enough. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to be such a perpetual people pleaser, but let me say it’s not doing you any favours in any way, shape or form.

Misha, you are *not* a role model, you’re *not* someone to look up to when you can't live up to the ideals you preach. You’re spitting in the face of people who have supported you even after some questionable things in the past, who gave you the benefit of the doubt because we’re all human and we all make mistakes. The key to growing as a person is not to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, understanding *why* what you said and/or did was a mistake and making a concerted effort to make changes. I don’t ever see you doing that, you will continue down this path of only caring about Minions under the guise of caring for people in general. You are transparent, you are sad and despite the fact I’ve never particularly liked you, I didn’t speak up because I didn’t want to get involved in the drama. Well now I have spoken up and I’m saying you’re a disgrace, you have no respect for other people and nobody is fooled anymore. If it hadn’t been this tweet it would have been something else, but I for one am glad it happened so soon after the show ended so we can finally be rid of the limpet-like behaviour. It’s over, let it go for the sake of what dignity you might have left, for the sake of your family and friends and for the sake of anyone who isn’t capable of seeing through your ‘it’s a joke’ mentality.

You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Misha.

For anyone who made it to the end of my ramble, thank you. This has been a cathartic exercise and I’m drawing a line under it now, I don’t think I could possibly make my thoughts any clearer. I urge you not to get caught up in any petty squabbles with his Minions, let’s celebrate J2 and other cast and crew members who have shown us all respect and who I am proud to call part of the SPN family. There’s always one member of the family who needs to be frozen out for the good of everyone else.

[casmybelovedass]

I'm much calmer now, but I'm still salty about this and I won't stop talking about it.

So, Sam was supposed to be the main character.

And?

Stories change. This story in particular changed many times over the course of 15 years.

It was about the brothers, yes? Both of them.

But Sam was the one with the curse, the special one, the rebel, the smart one, the one with powers, the favourite.

The Luke Skywalker. The protagonist.

Dean? Oh, he was the goofy slugger, always looking for food or women to stuff his face with. The school drop-out. Always getting in trouble.

The Han Solo. The sidekick.

(Now fucking tell me who actually prefers Luke to Han Solo fucking tell-) (also he's actually Leia but-)

So... what happened?

Jensen Ross Ackles happened.

Jensen took Dean's character skeleton and built him into one of the most complex and interesting characters to ever exist.

And the writers saw that. So what did they do?

They made Dean (if intentionally is unknown) woman&queer coded, in hopes of making him look weaker, less worthy of attention, secondary.

But that's not who Dean is:

- He's a caretaker, soft, a protector.

- He desires to be loved more than anything else in the world. He's tough, and yet, submissive. (half the time, Dean's hookups are to show he's cool and gets around easily, the other half is to show his desperate need for closure)

- Stays put and silent because that is what was taught to him since childhood. Relatable.

- He's insecure. Sensitive. Good with children.

- Doesn't allow himself happiness. Always puts others before him.

- He's repressed. Self conscious. He gets objectified, mostly acknowledged for his looks.

- He acts dumb because, sometimes, it's better to be underestimated than targeted as a threat.

- He never feels "man enough", and is reminded constantly, obv mostly by j*hn, but also by society, because men shouldn't like what he likes:

Cooking

Dressing up

The idea of having a family

Chick flicks

Panties

Musicals, pop and romantic music

Being bossed around/manhandled

Men

But, fuck you, writers. All these traits? Only made him EVEN MORE interesting.

(Guess the fuck what! Cis het men don't even make a QUARTER of the fandom!!!)

People all around the world saw themselves in this beautifully flawed human, and found comfort in him.

Realizing you can be sensitive, insecure, even weak, and still be brave, strong, the hero.

Do you realise how many FTM found themselves in Dean?

Now, I love Sam, but really, his character didn't go as far as Dean's, because they simply placed him on a pedestal reading "protagonist" on it.

Yes, they gave him the powers/Lucifer/souless storylines, PTSD and a curse that kills off every woman he sleeps with, and I'm definitely making a post about Sam alone because yes.

But apart from this? They didn't give us much.

He had SO MUCH potential for more. And I'm sorry he couldn't have as much an exploration as Dean (or Cas).

Speaking of which. Castiel.

My God.

He is the definition of character development (both good and bad).

A character so fresh, so new to the world, LITERALLY, so interesting!

A character ment to stay only for 3 episodes, but had such an impact, he quickly became a fan favourite, and ended up staying until he end well...

The stone cold, mindless soldier, autism coded, "of God" angel, clearly so different from his brothers... rebelling against his own kind, experiencing humanity, emotions, choosing free will, believing in two little humans more than anything else in the universe, and helplessly falling in love with one.

An angel, learning how to love, through a human.

An all powerful being who is awkward, nerdy, socially anxious, autism&queer coded.

And what did they do?

Stripped him of his powers, basically reduced him to a lamp [AAAAA] in a corner, tried killing him off MULTIPLE TIMES, threw a bomb in the makeup/hair trailer and slapped an orange filter on Misha to make him less appealing.

Well, excuuuuuse you if I like these ones better than "I was pre-lawboy"

They just had SO MUCH MORE to offer.

And, let's be honest here, apart from soulless, trials and hunter chief storyline, when has Sam been the focus after season 5?

They gave us a decade of married drama, slow burn, breakups, widower arcs, Casifer, Deanmon, human Cas, Michael!Dean, THEE Empty Deal™️, Purgatory, CAIN PARALLELS, A SON, and so on.

But please, do tell me again how doing a 360 and going bUT sAm WAs tHE OG mAIn chArACtEr wasn't just an audience thirst trap for w*lker

[mittensmorgul]

Hi Mittens, I'm listening to your podcast (still loving it) for episode 1x20 and I have to disagree with you on Cas learning free will from Sam and Dean. We learn in season 8 that he had already been manifesting free will since the dawn of time and had to be reset each time to manufactory setting by Naomie for that. He relearn free will from Sam and Dean and had finally the support he needed to fully escape and not have his free will taken away. (1/2)

In the show (not in the show universe), yes, Dean and Sam were the first to manifest free will, agreed, but, while their influence (especially Dean's) on Cas shouldn't be dismissed, Cas' own accomplishments in this regards shouldn't be reduced to "he learned free will from Sam and Dean". (2/2) Thanks again for your great work!

Hi hi!

I'm glad you're enjoying the podcast, thank you!

And heck I don't even remember what I said in the 1x20 recording now... I recorded it six months ago :'D But also, I can't imagine it was much more than an offhand comment, or at least a broad strokes overview of how I think about and understand the subject.

I could probably do just a whole episode on what Free Will is, especially within the confines of the show's universe. I'd even argue that Sam and Dean weren't the first to manifest free will, and that all humans had free will (Chuck said it was included in the kit).

Putting this under a cut because I seriously went all rambly here before I had my coffee this morning :'D

And yeah, we do know that Cas had questioned his orders from Heaven going back millennia, to the point where Naomi had to reprogram him multiple times, as she said in 8.21. I honestly do wish we'd gotten more concrete info on what that actually meant for Cas, though.

For me, at least, while Cas may have rebelled and been reprogrammed at least three times in the past that we can say for sure (I believe Naomi would feel that once was "too many," and can't say for certain that he was mind wiped over and over in the pre-series past since the show never expanded on her original statement or Cas's past experience, and Cas couldn't remember what he couldn't remember, you know?).

But also, I can't imagine I went into extensive detail on any of it in the 1.20 podcast, two seasons before Cas even shows up :'D

Regardless, the thing that enabled Cas to grasp on to his own free will and truly hold on to it, even through several more reprogramming/heaven torture sessions (4.20, and again at least twice post-purgatory in s8 when he was first rescued in 8.07 and when he was forced to kill thousands of Deans in 8.17), was his growing understanding of and empathy for humanity. Or like... his own humanity.

And absolutely, we can't dismiss it was something in Cas himself that even enabled him to learn free will, to even WANT it for himself once he learned, but it wasn't entirely unique to Cas, either. Anna had a streak of it in her that prompted her to choose humanity and fall decades before the action of the show began. Taking on her own grace again and enduring another round of programming in Heaven essentially erased it from her again. Gabriel, it has been argued, had a wide streak of this, as well, having abandoned Heaven and his own identity ostensibly because he was fed up with his family arguing and trying to kill each other. And the other angels that wanted to remain on Earth after the angel fall event got a taste of that freedom, as well. Even Hannah, who ultimately decided those weren't feelings/things she wanted for herself. She believed they were "human things," and not meant for angels.

I'd say we even have to consider angels like Uriel in a discussion of free will and angels, because he chose the side of Lucifer in the original apocalypse. Did he choose that, or was that his "role" he was made to play? We just don't know. So we have been asked by the show to consider what free will itself truly is, and Cas is the character that arc was embodied in. He was the one we watched that journey happen in. His was the lens through which we the audience saw that entire journey unfold. Which, for me, diminishes him as a character and minimizes the significance of his entire arc to say that he "invented" free will or discovered it for himself before the start of the series.

And he may have possessed it, may have even exercised it before he ever met Dean (questioning their orders when killing the first-borns in Egypt, as Naomi mentioned in 8.21), but then as far as we know he fell into line and served Heaven loyally for thousands of years. He followed every order he got after that until... Dean.

When we first met him, he was a Heaven Loyalist, following his orders like a good little angel. What was different after he met Dean? What did Dean give him that he'd never had before? Not from millennia of watching humanity?

Cas may have understood humanity from the outside, may have even believed that some of the orders he'd been given in the past were wrong (based on what he believed God would have wanted for him, though! remember how much Cas believed? Even through the apocalypse? That his entire s5 mission was to find God so he could put everything right again? To save the world and his creation? Before his belief in God and his orders to protect and watch over humanity was shattered completely.

By the time s15 rolled around, Cas had lost all faith in God. I mean that was his big struggle during s12... So 14.20 was a final disappointment, in a long line of disappointments for him, rather than the identity-shattering bomb it was for Dean. But that's a totally different meta essay for another day :'D

Back to free will and Cas...

To me, he had the potential within him all along, but the journey we watched him make through the entire series was one of his UNDERSTANDING of free will. That it doesn't-- as Dean told him in 6.20-- mean you get to do whatever you want. Every angel ~seemed~ to be able to do that, you know? Like Raphael at the beginning of s6 (which we only saw, again, in 6.20) choosing to restart the apocalypse specifically because it's what he wanted, you know? That was literally his reasoning he explained to Cas. Just because you want something doesn't mean you can just take it or make it so. It's about understanding WHY, as much as it's about understanding HOW, you know? And THAT is the part that Cas never was able to understand until he met Dean.

And boy HOWDY did he make mistakes with it! Like... that was the plot of s6. The consequences and fallout of that formed and guided his growth arc for the rest of the series as he grew in understanding of himself, humanity, and what his place was in all of it, and learning how all of his choices had CONSEQUENCES. That free will doesn't exist in a vacuum, and what the burden of having made "bad" choices could mean (or what felt like the best choice at the time, which leads us back to Chuck's hand in the narrative often pushing them into narrative corners where all their choices were terrible... which was like... the plot of the entire series lol).

More important than free will itself, to me anyway, was the knowledge and understanding to use that free will humanely (not "humanly," but honestly that, too). He grew to fully understand his own "moral compass," which yes he had since the beginning-- he objected to killing the first-born sons of Egypt, after all-- but by the end of the series he understood. It wasn't just the ability to reject orders because they "felt wrong," or because God's will was just and should be carried out, or like so much even in the Bible where half of it contradicts the other half and its left to humanity to decide for themselves what's "moral" or "just."

And heck, even his early s4 rebellion was founded in his belief that God might not actually be giving the orders, you know? It wasn't that he believed that following the orders he was given was wrong, but that whoever in Heaven was giving the orders was wrong, which is a big difference. He couldn't believe that God would WANT the apocalypse to happen, or that he would allow Heaven to fail in their mission to protect creation, not that he objected to the actual "doing what he's told" part... It was as much about his faith in God, in believing in the Grand Plan of the universe being "good" and right as it was about disobeying an order he believed was unjust.

He learned how to understand WHY he would make the choices he did. He learned to truly LOVE.

And we know, canonically, he learned that from Dean.

So for me, those concepts go hand in hand and can't be separated out, you know? Otherwise Cas doesn't have a character arc at all. He learns nothing and doesn't (and can't) grow into the complex, fascinating character we watched for 12 seasons.

Yes, he always had a seed of that within him, but we watched it grow into its fullness because of his relationship with Dean (and Sam, and even through parenting and believing in Jack, but the show explicitly told us in plain words that it was always Dean first and foremost). Cas explicitly credited his own entire growth arc of free will and love to his relationship with Dean. I don't see how I can choose to do less.

[clairenatural]

destiel, 2k. dean’s self loathing but it ends up fluffy so it’s ok. pining. destiel finally becoming canon because sam just wants to drink smoothies in peace (this is a repost because the original got deleted!)

It’s a few weeks into all of them being back in the bunker, Sam and Dean and Jack and a rapidly humanizing Castiel, when Sam decides he’s had enough. It had been bad enough the past decade, when Castiel was always leaving and there was always another apocalypse to distract them, but the past few weeks have become damn near domestic and the mutual pining is driving him up the wall.

Sam finally snaps at a small bar in Lebanon. Cas is caught up by a pretty girl at the bar and Dean has barely touched his beer, instead watching the interaction with a mixture of longing and heartbreak, and Sam can’t take it anymore.

“Dude,” he starts, and when that fails, “Dean.” Dean looks at him. He frowns.

“What, Sam?”

“Just go talk to him. Or drag him back to the bunker and talk to him there. I’ll go stay with Eileen this weekend, I’ll even take Jack with me—just please, Dean. For me.”

Dean blinks at him, glowers a bit, and takes a sip of his beer. “Dunno what you’re talking about.”

Sam gives him a look, unimpressed. “It’s been ten years. And—” he puts up a hand to stop the protests. “And listen, I know it’s been…rough, but by some miracle things are calm right now. So just tell Cas you’re in love with him so I can stop feeling like I’m interrupting something every time I walk into the kitchen.” 

He shudders a bit, remembering the day before when he walked into the bunker’s kitchen to see Dean and Cas just staring at each other over two mugs of coffee, hands still touching where Castiel had handed the mug to Dean. Sam had cleared his throat and Castiel had jumped, spilling the coffee, and Dean had glared at his brother as he reached for a towel.

Sam had just wanted a smoothie.

He glances back across the bar table to where Dean is staring at him, open mouthed, and watches as his expression shifts to a glower as he apparently gives up on trying to deny it. Sam counts that as a small victory in itself. 

“Why? So he can freak out and leave again? Dude’s just starting to get comfortable, Sam, I’m not about to chase him away.” Dean’s tone is angry, but Sam knows him well enough to see through the facade. There’s no real anger there. Just fear.

His heart hurts a bit, for both his brother and their best friend. “Dean,” he starts, gently, leaning forward in his chair. “He’s an angel. He’s been here since the beginning of humanity. He put your soul back together. Do you really think he doesn’t already know?”

Dean’s staring at him again, as if he’s never considered that before. He looks apprehensive, and mildly terrified, but before he can respond Castiel appears back at their table. He slides a beer across the table to Sam, then to Dean, who doesn’t look at him, before settling down himself. There’s a half second of awkward silence before Dean changes the subject, and Sam sighs. Nobody could say he hadn’t tried.

----------------------------------------

Dean can’t sleep. 

He’s staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom, replaying the last few things Sam had said. He’s an angel, Sam had said, as if that wasn’t obvious. And it was, it is, but—it’s too easy to forget sometimes, especially the many times he’s ended up more human than angel, that Castiel is thousands of years old. Dean never forgets that he’s an angel, of course. That’s one of the staples of the voice in his head, the one constantly telling him to keep his feelings for Castiel a secret to the grave. Over the past ten years Angel of the Lord has become nearly synonymous with too good for you and better than you would ever deserve.

It's what being an angel means that Dean doesn’t think about. That Castiel has spent millennia as nothing more than a wavelength of light and celestial intent before giving it all up to drag Dean out of Hell. That he was a soldier, a seraph, a term that Dean thinks he knows but also doesn’t fully understand the weight of. Castiel misses a pop culture reference and Dean forgets that he understands the physics of the cosmos on a level his human brain could never comprehend. Or, not forget—he could never forget. Dean just doesn’t like to look too closely at it, because staring everything that Castiel really is in the face just makes the voice louder. Makes him feel like just a speck of dust in comparison, unworthy of the angel’s presence or time or attention. Makes him wonder why Castiel has given up everything that he is and was, everything he had since the beginning of time, for that one speck of dust.

So maybe Sam is right. And Dean hates that. Because maybe Sam is right, but Castiel has only stayed over the years because he has nowhere else to go. And he has nowhere to go because of Dean. Because the very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost, Hester said. Because too much heart was always Castiel’s problem, Samandriel said. Because I’m hunted, I rebelled, and I did it - all of it - for you, Castiel himself told him, once upon a time. I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.

And Dean had reacted in anger, like he always did. Like he always does. And Cas keeps coming back anyway.

He needs a drink.

He sighs as he hauls himself off his bed, creeping silently through the bunker on the way to the kitchen, but pauses when he hears the murmuring of the television coming from Castiel’s room. It’s a bad decision but he turns towards Castiel’s bedroom door and pauses for a moment, listening to the soft sounds of a nature documentary through the wood. What are you doing? The voice scolds. Sure, Dean. Creep outside his bedroom at midnight, that’ll make him feel real comfortable.

The television clicks off. Dean assumes he’s going to sleep, something he needs to do more and more lately, and is about to keep going to the kitchen when—

“Dean?” Cas calls. Dean freezes. He could leave quietly, and they’d both pretend it had never happened. They were good at that. He could also make some sort of excuse and continue on his merry way. He doesn’t do either.

“Can I come in?” He asks instead, and Castiel says “yes,” and then Dean is pushing open the bedroom door.

Castiel is sitting on his bed, cross-legged, wearing a pair of sweatpants they’d picked up from the local thrift store and a t-shirt that is (was?) definitely Dean’s. The sight makes his heart clench. He hadn’t considered the potential consequences when he’d dumped a bunch of his old clothing on Castiel’s bed, and it sure isn’t making anything easier.

“You sleeping tonight?” Dean asks, and Castiel shakes his head.

“I don’t need to.” He pauses. “You should be, though. Is everything alright?”

Dean shifts on his feet. He shoves his hands deep in his pockets. He looks back at Castiel, meeting his gaze. There's something so uniquely deep about it—it wasn’t there in Jimmy, and even now, nearly human, his blue eyes feel centuries old. But not like the ocean. The blue eyes/ocean metaphor is overplayed, and when Dean looks into Castiel’s eyes he doesn’t feel like he’s swimming in an endless azure ocean. He feels like he’s drowning in the Marianas Trench.

“Do you know?” Dean asks. He doesn’t mean to, but he isn’t surprised when the words come out of his mouth.

Cas blinks at him, then frowns. “Know what?”

“You know.” Eloquent as always.

Cas quirks an eyebrow. “I know many things, Dean, but even with my full grace I can’t read your thoughts.”

Dean blushes. He hopes the darkness of the room, illuminated only by Castiel’s bedside lamp, obscures it. “I guess prayers aren’t quite the same, huh.”

There’s a loaded pause. Cas shifts, moving away from the headboard to sit at the edge of his bed, facing Dean. “Praying is more abstract than humans think it is,” he starts. “Gratitude is often close enough. Longing can come through as prayer. Love… when love gets close enough to worship, it’s the loudest of all.” He pauses there, searching for a reaction. Dean isn’t sure what he’s looking for, but he doesn’t even think he’s breathing—he’d stopped as soon as Castiel said love.

After an excruciating moment, Castiel continues. “So if that’s what you mean…”

Dean braces for impact.

“Then yes, Dean. I think I knew before you did.”

And, well. There it is. For some reason, Dean isn’t running away. He thinks it’s probably because Cas isn’t running away this time—and because he’d come back. He still comes back. Regardless of the many, many times Dean had been the one to push him away.

So “I love you,” Dean says, quietly, voice rough, because there’s really no point in not saying it anymore. Then, “I mean…I love you.” He clarifies, even as saying it twice sets off alarm bells, because if there’s one thing they’re good at it’s miscommunication.

Castiel blinks at him. “I know,” he replies, puzzled. “Is that not what we were just talking about?”

Dean stares at him. “You’re still here.”

The confusion on the angel’s face deepens. “Yes, because I love you too. I thought that was obvious.” In another lifetime he would’ve used air quotes.

What.

Dean pauses for a minute, reeling, trying to figure out if he misheard.

“Obvious,” he clarifies, as if that’s the word he’s struggling with.

“Yes.”

Dean is still staring, feeling something akin to shock. Obvious?

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I have. Multiple times, in multiple ways.”

Dean thinks back to profound bond and I always come when you call and I’ll watch over you and I could go with you and hundreds of moments in between.

Oh.

“You didn’t care that I never got the message?”

“I’m thousands of years old, Dean. Ten years is nothing. I was willing to wait.”

“Jesus Christ,” Dean replies, because that is a whole bunch he doesn’t have the energy to unpack, and his brain still isn’t completely caught up to what’s happening.

“No, I’m Castiel.”

It’s an old joke, said with a smile, and that combined with the absurdity of the situation means Dean can’t help but laugh. He looks up and makes eye contact with Castiel, who grins back, and suddenly there’s way too much space between them.

Dean crosses the bedroom in a few strides, and Cas stands to meet him, and then they’re kissing, and Dean isn’t even sure who started it but they’ve both been waiting long enough that he isn’t sure it matters. He has his arms wrapped around Castiel’s waist, clinging to the soft fabric of the t-shirt that was once his own, when something in the back of his head starts screaming that this is a bad idea and he’s just going to leave tomorrow and are you dumb enough to think you can actually have this?

But then Castiel makes a soft noise in the back of his throat and deepens the kiss, pulling them impossibly closer together, and for all its years of practice Dean’s self-loathing can’t come up with a response to that.

Castiel pulls back first, flushed and breathing heavily, and Dean chases his lips for a moment before Cas catches him in his gaze, in endless blue. Suddenly, Dean isn’t drowning anymore. He’s on a lifeboat, and the trench is impossibly deep beneath him but he feels safer than he has in a long time. Home, his brain supplies, helpful for the first time in years, and Dean smiles.

Cas smiles back, bringing a hand up to Dean’s face to trace his thumb along his cheekbone. “Will you stay here tonight?” he asks, soft, and Dean leans in to press an equally soft kiss to his forehead.

Tonight and every night, he thinks. “’Course,” he says, and then leans in to kiss him again.

Two mornings later, Sam walks into the bunker’s kitchen to find Castiel pushed up against a counter, Dean kissing his way down his neck. He yelps and retreats around the corner.

“Come on, guys,” he yells, from safety, and the two have the audacity to laugh.

“You did this, Sammy,” Dean reminds.

“I said I wanted to stop interrupting things in my own kitchen,” Sam counters, but he can’t find it in his heart to be angry. He sighs. “Whatever. You know I’m happy for you. I just—” he pauses. “Can I at least come get my smoothie?”

[echochamberdean]

An Analysis of Cas’s Character: Destiel Edition

As I am sitting in my bed, eating a ham and cheddar croissant despite claiming to be pescatarian, though never quite cutting it, a thought (hard to come by these days) occurred to me. Cas, assuming preemptively that he and Dean are a thing (because they ARE), would absolutely have confidence issues and would constantly need reassurance. I asked myself what prompted this very random but very welcome thought and immediately felt multiple scenes of Supernatural fly around in my brain like a bad card shuffle and they all spelled out: CAS IS INSECURE. So, in an attempt to get this idea out of my mind and onto the internet for anyone to see, I’m writing an analysis on Cas’s character with multiple pieces to back it up because, trust me, there are multiple.

Let’s begin at the beginning, which we all know lies at the hands of episode 1 of season 4. We won’t exactly be starting there, so let’s fast forward a bit to episode 18 of the same season, a bit of a long stretch of time, I know, but hear me out. In this scene:

And many more after it, like later in episode 22 when Dean is almost forced to say yes to Michael for the first time and Dean convinces Cas to help him (which is very much a rebel against heaven and the angels). It should also be noted that in this scene and the one above, Dean is the one who reminds him of his love for humanity. Side note, the reason I’m straying from the word convince is because Cas doesn’t need convincing. Cas, I’m assuming, has already strayed from the path chosen for him. He’s “the angel off the line with a crack in his chassis”, the only version of himself that never did what he was told. So, we can assume that Cas has rebelled or at least strayed from orders long before he ever met Dean. The point here is Cas knows this. When that angel in episode 21 of season 7 that I can’t, for the life of me, remember the name of, tells Dean, “the very touch of you corrupts” it’s almost like a mother blaming their child’s friend for changing them or making them act a certain way when, really, they were like that the whole time. Cas knows he’s naturally inclined to rebel, naturally curious. That’s why he’s so apathetic and conditioned to serve in the first few episodes of season 4, he feels guilt and shame for feeling things. The one purpose he has as an angel is to obey, and he can’t even do that. He knows that Dean isn’t the reason for him being a rebel angel, however the love for Dean blossoms because no one has ever thanked him for it. In the gif of the scene above, Dean thanks Cas for helping him, for rebelling. In all of his millennium of existence all he ever got for straying from the norm, from being himself was punished, and now, suddenly, this very pretty man who saves people almost every day is thanking him for it and oh god has he always had such dreamy freckles and twinkling eyes??

General point here being, Cas is seen as a fuck up, believes himself to be one, “the self-hating angel of Thursday” as Chuck describes him, and Dean is the only one, at least to begin with, who praises him for it, encourages him even. Love naturally ensues.

Now, it can be argued that Dean’s love develops much later or soon after, the conclusion remains the same: they both end up pining for each other.

Much later in the series, specifically after Mary’s death, at the start of Dean’s mad wife phase, Dean does the very thing the angels did at the very beginning of their story. He begins to resent Cas for rebelling/going against the plan. Now, we all know Cas has never had anything but good intentions, but we also know Dean gets mean when he’s angry. And so, the famous break up scene entails with Dean’s, “Why does that something [the thing that goes wrong] always seem to be you.” Cas’s face directly after Dean says this is just fucking heartbreaking. Here’s the gif for good measure:

This look is one of devastation. A look of, ‘of all the people to ever say this to me, I never thought it would be you.’ And so, once again, he becomes a fuck up. He’s reminded of all the times he’s ever messed up, rebelled, didn’t just follow the plan, and he goes from a worthy, good-doing Winchester ally back to the ‘self-hating’ angel of Thursday. He’s so intent on doing the right thing all the time and always seems to make the wrong choices and now the person he loves the most punishes him emotionally for it. I don’t say recognizes because Dean’s always given him the benefit of the doubt. Cas knows this, he even says it in this very scene. But now he’s lost Dean’s trust. It fucking sucks.

We see only moments later in the same scene that Dean immediately regrets what he said. He likely thinks: “Shit. I just used something I know he’s insecure about against him. I’m such a douche right now.” And he even apologizes for it later in purgatory (still cry every time).

This leads us up to now. Cas has confessed his love; Dean absolutely reciprocates because you just don’t give platonic friends personal mixtapes with songs your parents fell in love to. I firmly believe, context considered, Cas is the one constantly needing affirmation:

“Are you mad at me?”

“Are we okay?”

“Am I doing good?”

Anyway, we’ve come to the end of my over analyzation of this strangely specific topic, and I’m just glad to get it off of my chest. I’ve literally been thinking about this for so long. In celebration of Dean and Cas’s roadhouse wedding, lets just all hope Cas doesn’t have a mental breakdown over the color of the flowers at the reception tables and can rest assured knowing Dean doesn’t give a damn what color anything is at their wedding, he’s just happy they’re together.

Gif Credit:

gif 1 . . . @softjensen​​

gif 2 . . . @destielette​

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

The whole multiverse idea really went nowhere in the end. Maybe they should've just taken an example from previous writers and pull the usual ~angelic/magic shenanigans~ explanation instead of the portals and all that bullshit if they wanted AUs that much.

There were interesting theories after the s12 finale, such as that maybe Cas had gotten it wrong, and the nephilim’s power had somewhat created a sort of world of the dead, not really a parallel universe but something kind of different. That Jack’s power had not actually just caused a tear in reality, but had created this whole thing. So “apocalypse world” (terrible name, really, especially without an article like they called it in the show) wasn’t actually a parallel universe that existed before that time, but the nephilim’s power made it. Or something like that. That would have been cool.

The idea of God as a writer having multiple “drafts” and versions of the story was actually pretty cool, but it did go not really anywhere. Michael’s possession arc had its moments but the concept itself was kind of anticlimatic and the Lucifer/MichaelDean fight ruined the experience for everyone. The fact that Jack caused the rift didn’t really have a followup, he was involved in the arc in the sense that he was in the other world for a while but there was no real deep connection between Jack and the other universes, so the tear in reality caused by his imminent birth was just a coincidental plot device.

Chuck “destroying worlds” was thrown out there as a warning that he would get in our world soon but only in the Kaia episode we ever conveyed a sense that these world had people and/or creatures in them that were dying. The scene in the Radio Shack in the earth with two moons is treated as comedic. The “HunterCorp” Winchesters thing is treated as comedic, no real weight to the fact that those guys’ entire world had been destroyed and everyone they knew had died. But there is a huge element of fridge horror there.

(Or did Jack bring back all the worlds? But we’re never told. We’re only shown him bringing back the people in ours.)

And then there are inconsistencies. The very fact that this world is more special than others doesn’t really hold up. It’s supposed to be more important because it’s Chuck’s favorite, but why? It seems to be because the Winchesters made it more entertaining, but it was the world where he’d put the lock to Amara’s imprisonment. Hadn’t Amara destroyed his previous worlds he’s made before he imprisoned her? So previous worlds-worlds had been destroyed and the alternate universes we saw were just drafts for the new one, or what? Also: if there are alternate versions of angels, it means there are multiple heavens. Did Chuck destroy the heavens too? Where do souls go when a universe’s afterlife gets destroyed? They stop existing? Where do the angels from those universes go? In the Empty full of multiple versions of the same angels and demons? The humans that moved into this world, which heaven do they go to? Ours? There will be two Bobbies and two Charlies etc when they die? Since they’re different people, I suppose that’s how it works, but there’s something about this that feels wrong.

Also why that one world where Mary hadn’t made the deal? Why was that one connected to ours by the first portal? What was so special about it? Why does that one get an entire arc? And why narratively? I mean, sure, it was about easing Mary’s guilt for the deal, but that felt to me like missing the point.

Everyone was like... triumphant about Chuck’s line that all the others iterations of Castiel fell back in line (even others who had saved Dean from hell and consequently had had contact with Dean) but only this one rebelled “successfully”, but it just seemed really sad to me?

So yeah, I just feel that the show bit more than it could chew with the multiple universes. It wasn’t necessarily a bad idea but the execution had issues.

[mishastoesies]

3, 20, 27 for the ask thingy :)

(questions from this list, feel free to send me some!)

3. What’s a scene that you think is underrated?

the scene in 5x14 My Bloody Valentine when they’re in the car and cas is eating all of those burgers and dean gives him that Look and whistles... yeah i bet he’s thinking about how much cas likes meat. 

20.  Favourite villain?

ROWENA MY FRIEND ROWENA!!! she’s an evil hag and i LOVE her!! powerful witch, hundreds of years old, milf queen of hell, icon status!!!

27.  Make up an episode of spn and give specifics

okay so we’re gonna take a dip into Jessica’s Mental Cas-Centric Spinoff of SPN That Spans Everything From Pre-Canon to Post-Canon 

post-canon, very “the man who would be king”-style episode (but like, happy) where cas recounts his experiences with The Michael Sword pre-this episode. 

starts with shots of heaven’s numerous corridors. we hear whispers of the Michael Sword from multiple angels, all bustling about; the date appears on screen: January 24th, 1979. the Michael Sword has been born

camera tracks one particular angel, whispers get louder. tense music. comes to a head when the angel who we’ve been tracking flings open a door, and asks: castiel, did you hear about the Michael Sword?

“yes, you’re only the thousandth angel to inform me of his existence” says a young, sexy cas. its important that he’s sexy. they are in heaven’s breakroom and castiel is going over some papers. 

“aren’t you EXCITED?? this is everything! we’re finally gonna beat lucifer! it’s gonna be so much fun!” says balthazar. he’s confused as to why cas isn’t excited

“not everything is about the michael sword, some things are about rivers. or mountains.” cas says, and he heads back to his office. we see cas walk outside and head to a room labelled Corporeal Architecture. this is his day job. (architect cas headcanons here)

balthazar follows him. “well yknow even if you aren’t excited you should STILL show up to the Human Arrangement Department’s afterparty, this vessel was a big project for them. and also since you’re head of your department, it’s on you to give him a blessing. we’re collecting them from everyone tonight”

cas rolls his eyes. “i know, i know, i’ll be there. and here i already have his blessing, courtesy of myself, raziel, adelphi, and the rest.” he hands balthazar a piece of paper and balthazar reads it. “ethereal beauty? really, castiel? you couldn’t give him something useful?”

“i’m an architect, we like beautiful things. now go away, i’m busy” balthazar goes away. this is the first time castiel hears about the Michael Sword

the second time is when we see castiel sparring with an unnamed training partner. zachariah calls castiel, balthazar, uriel, and hester to his office. “we have a rescue mission for you” and outlines the plan to save dean from hell. they accept because they have to, and they go down to hell. 

massive fight scene of them killing demons, like, so many demons. cas sees dean, who is like, covered in blood and half feral and holding a knife, does his little “Hello, Dean” and grabs his shoulder. dean fights back, but cas is stronger than him. he calls for zachariah, who angel-teleports them all up out of hell. 

they’re in the Beautiful Room; cas deposits dean’s unconscious body onto a couch, and turns to see his garrison.

everyone is covered in scrapes, starting-to-form bruises, and cuts. cas looks worse for wear, but he starts to laugh. and so does everyone else. cas heads to a door, yells “DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED” and laughs his head off. dean does not wake up. 

cut to cas shouting at zachariah in zachariah’s office. “i did what you asked! i saved him!” and zachariah going “yes, now restore him.” “or what? i have work to do!” “or do you need another trip to Internal Conflict Resolution with naomi?” and cas shudders a little bit. “no, sir. i’ll restore him” 

six-day montage of cas slowly rebuilding dean’s unconscious body. one day, he does dean’s organs, the next day, his shredded-up torso, the next, the puncture wounds in his shoulders. day six, we see balthazar come in and ask castiel if he’s going to go down to earth to perform some minor miracles, and cas says “can’t, i have work” and balthazar is like “ugh you ALWAYS have work” and leaves cas alone with dean

day six is the day that cas restores dean’s soul. again, this is part of my larger architect cas headcanon system, i can’t get into it here

day seven cas is finally done (haha get it on the seventh day god rested haha [gunshot]) and he sends dean back down to earth to claw his way out of his grave; this is immediately pre-Lazarus Rising. 

cas looks down from heaven and smiles all smitten at his creation. oh fuck he’s in love

next scene: cas’ bender pre-5x17; cas fights off a kill squad of angels that were sent after him, and they throw like, every homophobic microaggression they can at him. cas drags himself to a liquor store and drinks it; we hear sam praying to him, and him mocking sam. this turns into him mocking zachariah. “raise the michael sword, castiel; restore the michael sword, castiel” cas says in a high-pitched voice as he chugs his fifth bottle of everclear. then he hears what sam is actually saying and is like “oh fuck i gotta go, dean’s in trouble”

ten year timeskip to 15x18; all told through cas’ eyes. it’s literally just his POV for the episode, except it’s retconned to include an “i love you too, cas” before the “goodbye, dean”

cut to 3 hours before present day; we see cas standing in front of a mirror, wearing a suit we’ve never seen him in before. we cut to dean, also wearing a suit; noticeably nicer than what we’ve seen him in before. dean slips on one last item - a small, glowing white vial attached to a cord. oh fuck it’s their fucking WEDDING. 

cut to present day, in the middle of a park. turns out, cas has been saying his damn VOWS this whole time. we can assume it was all very “the first time i met you, i didn’t know what to think of you, then i touched your soul, and i knew... i would do anything for you. lie, rebel, sacrifice, anything. you’re the one work i ever took pride in creating. i love you, dean” levels of sappy

dean has a Single Man Tear sliding down his cheek. he moves in for a kiss, but cas moves back; the crowd laughs because they’re not supposed to kiss yet, and dean and cas laugh too. dean reads his vows, but we don’t hear them; they’re for cas’ ears only. music swells, and the episode ends with them finally getting their kiss. 

end credits, directed by Jensen Ackles

[lucisfavoritedemon]

Rebellious Soul: Chapter 5

Pairing: None

Summary: Y/N is having a hard time coping with the fact that her friend is gone and now her best friend is back, but there is a new player in town. The ultimate leader of the Rebels, Commander Ruby. Will Y/N be able to defeat Eve or will she give up the fight to mourn the loss of Dean?

Warnings: Mentions of torture.

Word Count: 1324

A/N: I realised that what I had posted, and what I had written were two completely different things. So I went through an edited this chapter, along with Chapter 6. I have major plans for those two chapters, and I got away from my original thought process. Also, as you may have noticed, this is loosely based off hunger games, but it's with a twist. I hope y'all are enjoying this series so far. Thanks for the understanding and patience.

"I thought that the Colt was just a legend?" I asked looking between Gabriel and Charlie.

"Well supposedly, but there are more facts out there proving that it exists more than there is proving it doesn't. When thinking about stuff like this, I go with the facts."

"Alright then. I guess I should round up my gear and head out. The faster I can find my guy the better. I have a feeling it won't be long before Eve figures out what we're planning."

"Good idea. Why don't we head out together that way we could both hit our people and both know with having to relay the information to multiple people? That way Eve doesn't find out as quickly."

"I agree. Gather everyone interested and let's head out in ten. I have to speak with Sam before we leave."

"Sounds like a plan."

Gabe and I headed off in different directions. I hadn't seen Sam since we heard about Jessica. It was hard for him not knowing whether she's alive or not.

"Hey Sam. How's everything?"

"Better. At least getting there."

"I feel so bad for what happened to Jess. I'm sorry she got dragged into this."

"Don't be. She knew the risks just like everyone else. Trust me you didn't do anything. Ruby told me what you did for her, and that is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. I never expected you to give up this opportunity to get revenge on Eve for Dean."

"Did you not hear what happened? The theories at least?"

"No. I haven't really wanted to listen to what people have to say about the matter. He's gone and I can't have him back. It hurts because we were close. We grew up in this together. He was like a brother to me."

"I know Sam. I wish there was more I could do to help you cope other than the fact that we are going to get him back. I don't care what anybody says, Ruby promised a rescue and amnesty for all of them. Including Dean."

"What does everyone say happened to him exactly?"

"That Eve had taken him hostage. Tortured him in unimaginable ways. Using him as their poster child to rid the world of Rebels. She won't stop till we are all dead or worse under her spell. Killing us off is her main goal, and she has the biggest inside man we had. She has the means of destroying us if she truly wanted to."

"I know Dean is our biggest and best weapon we had against her. He was building a case file on how to kill her. Said that he was doing it for someone special. I could now only assume that's you."

"Why me though?"

"Because you would want revenge. He knew your father died. Apparently he also knew how, and it's not how you think it happened."

"I knew he was killed, but I never told anyone because no one would believe me. They all knew I hated Eve from the moment I first saw her. She is clearly nothing but evil, and I will stop at nothing to defeat her. We have everything we need except the weapon to kill the thing that can kill her."

"What is that?"

"A special gun that can kill almost anything with a single bullet. We need the gun to kill a Phoenix. It's ashes are the only thing strong enough to kill her."

"You're not talking about the Colt are you?"

"Afraid so. Do you happen to know someone who might know it's whereabouts?"

"Yeah, but I would save him as a last resort." Sam warned.

I knew perfectly well who he was talking about, but this was a chance to get the upper hand on Eve. I wasn't going to let him tell me otherwise. I couldn't risk Dean's life on a last resort situation. He was our last resort.

"I'm sorry Sam, but this is that type of situation. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get Dean back. For all of us, not just me. He meant something to everyone, which is why this betrayal is the worst we have ever seen."

"I know, it's just, he is bad news. I wouldn't go to him unless no one else truly knows the whereabouts of the Colt."

"Fine. But if no one else does, or even if they hesitate for a second we move to him, got it?"

"Yeah now go and save Dean. For all of us."

Gabe, Ed, Harry, Michael, Castiel, and I all headed out in search of our first lead given to us by Gabriel and Cas who have known this person, well rather Angel, for a long, long time.

"Balthazar. We are here for knowledge on a weapon we seek the location of!" Gabe yelled through the thick of the forest.

As I have stated before each creature lives in a designated section of the world. If ever caught out of their designated area, they were immediately killed off. This was a beautiful lush forest that looked like a Heavenly paradise Perfect for the majority of it's heavenly inhabitants.

"Ah, Gabriel and Castiel. What brings you two traders back home, and with humans too?"

"Enough Balthazar. We need to know the location of the Colt."

"Ooh, temper. I say, is this how you got daddy to give you your favorite toys? Well that tone doesn't work on me Mikey." Balthazar spat.

I had to agree with the Angel, Michael was being a little too straight forward.

"Balthazar? We seek the location of this weapon for a good reason. Please will you help us?" I asked kindly, gaining a gentle smile.

"I wish I knew, but sadly I don't. Maybe if you five hand over the girl I will suddenly remember."

"He's lying." Gabe simply stated.

"How do you know?"

"He only wants Y/n because it will earn him and the others a spot at the big kids table. He doesn't really know where the weapon is. I say we move on."

"I agree. Let's head out."

"Okay, you got me. I really don't know where the weapon is. I'm only in charge of the Angelic weapons. The rest go through Crowley. He will definitely know where this weapon you are seeking for is. I swear."

"I know. Sadly Crowley knows everything about this gun." I whispered walking away.

I knew exactly where to find Crowley. We had a few talks here and there, but I have never asked him for a favor as big as this one.

"Crowley! We need to talk! It's about the Colt."

"Hello darling. It's about time."

"I know it has been a while, but I need you to pull in that favor of mine. You know the freebie before you start charging?"

"Yes I know what freebie means. Why do you want this Colt so bad? It doesn't even do anything."

"It's important."

"You want to kill Eve don't you? Well sorry to break it to you, but sadly she is one of the four beings this won't work on. Been there, tried that."

"We know it doesn’t work on her, but it will work on the thing that can."

"Oh. Well in that case here."

Then the gun appears in his hands and he tosses it to me. I looked at the gun in awe. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. Now all we needed was to get to the Phoenix mountain without being caught by Eve and her stupid henchmen.

"One last thing. Well really two. Don't let her know I'm working alongside you and two DON’T miss your target! Kapeesh?"

"You got it. Don't let Eve know and don't miss."

"Good." As quickly as he appeared he was gone again.

Now all we needed was to find these Phoenixes and find Eve. Things were starting to go in our favor.

SPN Tag list:

@atc74 @bella-ca @canadianspnhunter @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog @ericaprice2008 @impala-dreamer @impalaimagining @katymacsupernatural @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @mamaredd123 @masksandtruths @mirandaaustin93 @muchamusedaboutnothing @our-jensen-ackles-love @roxyspearing @sea040561 @snffbeebee @spnwaywardwitch-blog @squirrelnotsam @torn-and-frayed @winchesterprincessbride

[destiel-love-forever]

15.3 CODA

Dean stares at the bunker door, refusing to blink. Cas will come back. He just has to wait. Any second now. Cas will get a new wave of energy and come storming in. They’ll yell at each other. Hurt each other some more. Then Cas will go to his room, in the bunker, where he belongs, and Dean will get wasted and crash on the couch. 

Dean just has to wait. Once Cas comes back, they’ll finish it. They’ll go through the rest of their routine. 

Except, Cas doesn’t come back. 

Not after Dean blinks. Not after Dean realizes he’s crying. Not after Dean chugs the whiskey in his glass. Not after Dean fills that glass twice more. 

Certainly not after Dean throws the glass at the wall, the chaos of the crash sounding painfully similar to what’s happening in his chest. 

He pulls out his phone and calls Cas with shaking hands. His phone rings from across the room. When Dean slowly approaches the thing, as if it’s a bomb about to go off, as if things aren’t already beyond fucked up, as if Dean isn’t already destroyed, Dean finds a neat little pile of things that Castiel left behind. 

The cell phone Dean bought him, with the two of them in their cowboy hats as the lock screen photo. 

The mixtape Dean made him. 

The spare key to the bunker. 

The faded old Led Zeppelin t-shirt of Dean’s that they both pretended he didn’t steal. 

The copy of Slaughterhouse-Five Dean gave him. 

The cowboy hat from their trip to Dodge City. 

Dean collapses down at the table with the near-empty bottle of whiskey. As he sips on it, staring off at nothing, Dean replays the conversation. Well, maybe conversation isn’t the right word, considering he barely said anything. It’s more of what Dean didn’t say that matters. 

Dean doesn’t trust him. Castiel was right about that. 

But… they’ve lost trust in each other before. Multiple times. The two of them can be fucking idiots. They’re great at ignoring things, or keeping secrets. Great at hurting each other. 

So, yeah. Dean doesn’t trust him. But Castiel is supposed to wait. He’s supposed to just sulk and take it. Keep apologizing until Dean forgives him. That’s what he did before. That’s all he did in purgatory. Constantly apologizing. It’s what Dean did after the whole mark of cain/demon shit show. He always made sure Castiel knew he didn’t mean the things that had happened, and that he was so sorry. 

They get pissed at each other. They fight. They give the silent treatment. But they love each other, and that’s supposed to be enough. It’s always been enough. 

Why wasn’t it enough?

Dean takes a long pull of whiskey and slowly swallows it, allowing the liquid to burn him something fierce as it trickles down his throat. 

His powers are draining… but when aren’t they? Castiel’s powers have been draining since he rebelled against heaven for Dean. It’s not like he’s falling.

He’s not falling, right?

He can’t be falling. 

Dean closes his eyes, his body starting to tremble. Castiel is right, Dean hasn’t even been able to look at him. He hasn’t been paying attention. Dean has no fucking idea if Castiel is falling. When Dean asked him if he was okay outside the impala the other day, Castiel had said, “Yes, but-” and Dean had walked away. 

He had walked away! 

What if Castiel was going to tell him he could feel himself falling. For real this time, like when he did after the angels fell. Not just low grace, weak powers, and a body that needs to rest more than it should, but falling completely. Becoming human. 

And Dean rolled his eyes at him. 

Dean let him walk away. 

Dean let Castiel believe he was truly dead to him. 

Dean let him leave with the intention of moving on. 

Moving on? Fucking moving on? 

What did Dean do?

What did he do?

What the fuck did he just do?

---- 

Castiel lifts a shaking hand to the center of the door and tentatively knocks, feeling terrible that it’s so late at night. He only had fourteen dollars in his wallet, which was enough to buy gas for this short trip, but not enough for food or a hotel. This is the only other family - well, not his family, but the Winchester’s family - that Castiel has left. It’s only right he says goodbye to them before leaving for good. He knows it’s awful he didn’t talk to Sam before disappearing, but Sam had enough pain today. Castiel will call him from the road. 

The porch light coming on pulls Castiel out of his thoughts. He steps back just as the front door is opened, giving Jody a wobbly smile. She tilts her head and gives him a smile of her own. It’s genuine, and warm, and makes Castiel want to curl up and cry. 

“Castiel. Hey. Are the boys,” she stops herself, looking over his shoulder before back at him. He can feel her eyes as they rake over him. The sheriff in her must figure the situation out real quick, because her eyes turn sad and she reaches out for Castiel’s hand, pulling him inside. “You look like you could use something to drink. Do you want a beer? Maybe some whiskey? I think Donna has a bottle of vodka in the freezer.”

Slowly settling on the stool Jody gestures to, Castiel shakes his head. “No, thank you.”

“Maybe some tea?” Jody presses. 

“Yes. Tea sounds lovely,” Castiel says quietly, not wanting to be rude. “Thank you, Jody.”

“Peppermint? Chamomile?”

Having no idea in the slightest, considering all Dean drinks is coffee, Castiel says on a whim, “Peppermint, please. Thank you, Jody.”

“Of course, Castiel.” She sets a teapot on the stove, then pulls out a mug and a box of peppermint tea. As the water heats over a gas flame, she turns back to Castiel. He slumps down and clenches his hands together where they rest on the breakfast bar’s countertop. It unfortunately does not make him feel any less vulnerable or inspected. “Are you feeling alright, Castiel?”

“I’m fine,” Castiel replies, hearing Dean’s voice like he’s saying the words for him. It makes him suddenly angry. “Actually, I’m quite exhausted. And hungry. And it’s just been a very long few days. I miss Jack, so much. And I miss Mary. But I don’t think I’m allowed to miss Mary because, well, you know. It’s my fault and all. But I still miss-”

“Castiel, I’m sorry for interrupting, but Mary was not your fault.”

“I’m pretty sure she was.”

“That’s not the story I got from Sam. I know Dean has been taking it out on you, Sam’s been worried. He wasn’t sure if he should step in. But he made it very clear to me that he does not believe his mother’s death is on you. And after he explained everything, I agree with him. Castiel, you wanted to assume the best of your son. That’s what you are supposed to do as a parent. It backfired, yes, but that’s life, Castiel. That’s just how life goes.”

Castiel swallows around a lump in his throat and closes his eyes to stop them from burning. He drops his head, trying to breathe. 

The room stays quiet until the silence is interrupted by the whistling tea pot. A minute later, a steaming cup of peppermint tea is placed in front of his clasped hands. Castiel stares at it like he doesn’t recognize it. 

“Did Dean kick you out, Castiel?” Jody asks softly. 

“He-” Castiel stops when his voice cracks. He clears his throat twice before trying again. “No, he didn’t. But I didn’t belong there. Or I wasn’t wanted there. Or both. It was time I leave. I’m going to - well, I’m hoping to move on.” 

When Jody says nothing, Castiel peeks up at her. She looks devastated. “He’s an idiot. You know that, right?”

“No. No, Dean Winchester isn’t an idiot.” Castiel shakes his head, a corner of his mouth perking up. He releases a shaky, self-deprecating laugh under his breath. “Dean Winchester is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I ruined it.” 

“Castiel-”

Castiel stares down at his tea, waiting for Jody to continue. She doesn’t. He can’t blame her. What’s there to say? It’s true. His world is crumbling as they speak, and it’s all of Castiel’s fault.

The worst part, though? He can’t even regret it. Any of it. He’d rebel again. Fall in love again. He’d take all of the pain and sadness. All of the pleasure. Every kiss. Every hug. Every hand held beneath the diner table. Every laugh. Every fight. He’d do it all again, happily, because for a while there, Dean Winchester showed him what true heaven was like. 

“I’m going to go make up the spare bedroom. You just drink your tea, okay?” Jody asks in the mom voice he’s heard her use with the boys, and Claire and Alex, before. 

“I can find somewhere else if-”

“Nonsense. You’re family, Castiel. You will sleep here. Claire will be happy to see you in the morning.”

Castiel takes a sip of his tea, wondering if that’s true. Can he still be family if he’s not with Dean? He always thought he was just included because Dean said so. Is Castiel really loved and cared for by these people, even if Dean doesn’t want them to? Would Claire really be happy to see him? The angel that killed her father? 

She did keep the grumpy cat stuffed animal after all…

Jody returns just as Castiel is finishing his tea. She guides him down the hall, showing him the bathroom where he’s welcome to shower if he’d like, then the bedroom. After a final look laced with concern, Jody gives him a quick hug and wishes him goodnight, closing Castiel’s door as she leaves. 

Castiel stares at the bed for a minute, the weight of the last few days sinking in. He drags his feet across the room, stripping as he goes. The last thing he does is kick off his shoes right before collapsing onto the mattress in nothing but his boxers and undershirt. He barely has the energy to move around and get under the covers, but it’s so worth it. His entire body relaxes as the warmth encases him. 

As the mounting exhaustion begins to pull the falling angel into dreamland, the last thing he thinks about is Dean. 

Castiel hopes the man sleeps well tonight. He deserves to get some rest. 

---- 

Dean answers his phone with slow, uncooperative fingers. “Hey, Jody.”

“Dean Winchester, sometimes you are such an idiot that I want to smack you upside the head!”

“Wow,” Dean mumbles, rubbing a hand against his eyes. “You’re welcome for savin’ the world ‘n all.”

“And you’re drunk, too. I don’t know why I’m even surprised.”

“Jody, you need somethin’, or jus’ callin’ to make me feel’ike shit?”

He hears a deep sigh and rolls his eyes. Dean’s not in the mood for her to play mom right now. 

Dean has a mom. 

Had a mom. 

Just like he had Cas. 

Now he’s lost them both. 

He’s lost Jack. 

Rowena. 

Ketch.

“I just called to let you know that Castiel is safe. He’s here.”

Dean sits up straight, knocking over the empty bottle of whiskey. He ignores it as it crashes to the floor. “He’s there? At your house?”

“Yes. I gave him some tea to help calm him a bit and put him in the spare bedroom. I know angels don’t sleep, but… well, he’s sleeping.  Dead to the world already.”

You’re dead to me. 

Dead to me. 

I’m dead to you. 

You don’t care. I’m dead to you. 

My powers are failing.

You don’t care. 

My powers are failing. 

I’m dead to you. 

I know angels don’t sleep.

Dean feels sick to his stomach, whiskey flavored acid crawling up his throat. “I’ll be right there. Don’t let him leave.”

“No, Dean. Go sleep the booze off.”

“I need to be with him.”

“I’m not sure he needs to be with you, though.” Dean flinches like he’s just been slapped. Honestly, it feels like he has been.

But is she wrong? 

Probably not… 

“Will you just - just don’t let him go disappearing, okay? Take care of him, please.”

There’s a long pause. Then, “Get some rest, Dean. He’ll be fine without you.”

Jody hangs up without saying anything else, leaving Dean alone on the other end. He tosses the phone onto the table and buries his face in his hands. Maybe she’s right. Maybe Castiel will be fine without him. Hell, maybe Castiel will be better off without him. Dean should really just leave him alone. 

Dean eventually drags himself to his room, collapsing on the bed. The whiskey and exhaustion do their job, pulling him under in no time. Just before slipping into dreamland, the last thing he thinks about is Castiel. 

Dean hopes the angel sleeps well tonight. He deserves to get some rest.

There is now a PART 2! You can read it [HERE] <3

If you enjoy my work & would like to support me, please consider buying me a quick coffee [HERE] or becoming a Patron [HERE]! 

[drsilverfish]

Where the Girls Go Wild and the Boys Play Hard - The Subtext in Swayze’s Bar - 15x07 Last Call

Well, I guess now we know why Swayze always gets a pass... (a shared crush with an old flame).

And I guess we also know that the silent word in the episode title Last Call is booty... as in Last (Booty) Call - or, the tragic end to an old fling.

Ok, so I’m late to the party (I’m sure there is a party, right?) as I’ve just watched the episode and I’ve been avoiding spoilers! 

No doubt the queer subtext in this episode, regarding the nature of Dean and Lee’s previous relationship, has already been the subject of much discussion, many meta and gifs. So, apologies for any repetitions, but I’m gonna give it my best shot.

Firstly I was struck by the name of this old hunting “brother” of Dean’s - Lee. I know Lee Webb was a country singer. But, in the larger mythos of Supernatural, which Kripke based on Kerouac’s On the Road (Sam = Sal Paradise and Dean = Dean Moriarty) Lee would fit as a reference to Old Bull Lee, another character in On the Road, based on Kerouac’s friend, the writer William Burroughs (who was of course, gay).

There are many elements we’re used to - Sam/ Eileen (now overtly on the edge of something romantic) paired in the narrative whilst Dean/ Lee are paired; sharing drinks as substitutes for erotic intimacy (here, dick-touching):

which SPN has used before, notably back when Dean got infected by Nick the Siren by sharing his hipflask with him in Baby in 4x14 Sex and Violence (a subtextual kiss).

Then there’s the reference Dean and Lee make to a good ol’ time of theirs back when they shared an encounter with triplets (of unspecified gender) whilst hanging out with Lorna, in a situation at Swayze’s which could, potentially, turn into a present-day threesome, given Lorna’s earlier overt sexual interest in Dean, and the subtextual tension between Dean and Lee.

This reference to triplets (of unspecified gender) of course, reminds us of those other triplets (also of unspecified gender) to whom Crowley and Deanmon did “extraordinary things” together back in 10x01 Black during their “summer of love”.

But it was the intimacy of Lee’s line to Dean from the stage: “You can’t just sit around lip-synching to Eye of the Tiger when no-one’s watching,” that punched me in the gut. Dean had allowed himself to really be seen by this guy, i.e. shared his secret dream to be a rock star with him, which we’ve previously seen him reveal to another old love, Robin, in 9x07 Bad Boys. 

So yeah it turns out, as Rowena said, “What’s bi is bi,” - and sometimes bisexual lighting is bisexual lighting:

“Making their way, the only way they know how... that’s just a little bit more than the law will allow...” 

The Duke’s of Hazzard theme song, sure, but also, in this context, of course, an anthem, for Dean and Lee, to “outlaw” (queer, closeted) sexuality. 

Then there’s Lee’s bar, Swayze’s, itself, which sheds new light on Rocky’s Bar, the “happiness-trap” dream mind-bar which AU!Michael created in Dean’s head in 14x10 Nihilism in order to subdue him:

Looks like Dean and Lee shared a dream about owning a bar together, way back when Sammy was off at college and Dean and Lee were “hunting buddies”.

And look, Cosmic Cowboy makes an appearance inboth Swayze’s and Rocky’s: 

Yeah, I know it’s a real Family Business Beer Co beer, but that don’t mean it can’t play a role in the subtext additionally, where it connects these two old lovers’ dream bars:

I’ve written previously about the queer-coding of bars in SPN over the years:

https://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/50661253249/the-bar-scene-in-8x23-spoilers-detailed

https://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/115759833784/dean-winchester-bars-and-m-m-encounters 

https://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/182142619479/rockys-bar-a-closer-look-in-deans-mind-14x10

And there’s plenty of queer-coding in Swayze’s. Just look at those two guns crossed on the wall between Dean and Lee:

Sure, they’re about to fight, so that’s one layer, but as with the touching beer bottles above, this is also dick-on-dick symbolism 101.

And would you look at that freaking TV screen with the man on the end of a pier at sunset? Yup that also appeared in Rocky’s:

As I’ve often discussed before, pier symbolism has come, in SPN’s visual subtext, to stand for the intimate connection between Dean and Cas, from that pivotal scene in 4x20 The Rapture in which Cas entered Dean’s fishing dream, rebelling against Heaven to do so, and tried to warn him about Heaven’s plans.

Notice The Rapture is also referenced in 15x07 because the case Dean is investigating was reported in the news as a girl being “raptured” (taken up to Heaven). And that pier scene from The Rapture was referenced last week too, as Cas mused about Dean’s love for fishing’s “meditative qualities” during his Jenny Lake case in 15x06 Golden Time. The profound bond may presently be under strain, but oh boy, is the subtext singing from its hymn sheet.

Cas’ absence (and Dean’s longing for him) is layered into the subtext of both Rocky’s and Swayze’s bars. In 15x07 Dean has left the bunker because (we may infer) he’s finding Sam’s burgeoning happiness with Eileen hard to deal with, given his own break-up with Cas, and yet, the poor sod goes and runs, tragically, into another lost love. 

And then this dialogue hits us, and Dean, with break-up feels:

Dean: “Best friends don’t just up and leave without saying goodbye...”

Lee: “Unless they deserve it...”

You have to wonder if the similarities between Rocky’s (which was a fiction, an illusion) and Swayze’s, contains an ominous hint of Chuck’s handiwork. Perhaps he set up this painful scenario (by association, also a fiction) for Dean, to cruelly toy with his emotions. 

The reference to 4x06 Yellow Fever really made my subtext-dar go off, in terms of the multiple layers Jeremy Adams managed to deftly work into Last Call. Dean laughingly tells Lee about catching “ghost sickness” that one time (and of course, Lee’s Eye of the Tiger reference also recalls Yellow Fever for us). 

Yellow Fever, Dabb’s first episode for the show, is, in subtext, a study in queer-panic, which the “ghost sickness” (which infects Dean, not Sam) stands in for. See my queer reading of that episode, here:

https://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/182874642184/old-timey-spn-a-fresh-queer-look-at-4x06

“Ghost-sickness”, aka queer closeted anxiety, becomes deeply poignant here, hanging between Dean and Lee, like the ghost of their old intimacy, which they never vocalise, but which may (if we choose) be read in the way they touch each other.

Overall, this was a beautifully written episode by Jeremy Adams, and the final, tragic (sublimated) penetration of Lee by Dean with the pool cue - a real death echoing, in subtext, with all the “little deaths” (yes, sex) they’ve shared before, was acted to perfection.

Lee’s noises and grunts are the noises of a fight, yes, but close your eyes and listen to that scene. “Wait, wait,” Lee says breathlessly, and Dean pauses, before Lee tells him it’s ok to pull out. And Dean can’t freaking look Lee in the eye because this terrible new intimacy is layered ontop of older intimacies:

So is Dean’s bisexuality still subtext, after this episode?

Yes, given that out there in the fly-by-night froth of mainstream entertainment journalism, it remains (as far as I can see, in my admittedly brief trawl) unremarked upon in 15x07 episode reviews and recaps:

https://tvmoviefix.com/supernatural-season-15-episode-7-last-call-review-recap-spoilers/

https://ew.com/recap/supernatural-season-15-episode-7/

But, Dean does slay the monster in the closet that gives you fake happiness if you feed it the blood of innocents. And in that, we might read a metaphor - for Dean slaying his own closetedness (as much, anyway, as the CW will permit): 

My usual disclaimer applies: reading SPN’s queer subtext does not imply or promise textual confirmation is on the way. 

[imaginestuffs]

I wanted to share on here my feelings about the episode that aired last night. Misha Collins like I have said before is one of my favorite people. Castiel is my favorite on the show, and last night was so hard for me. Every single thing that has happened to Castiel throughout the show I looked at him and thought to myself: he is what I want to be. I want to be brave, and I want to be strong, ready to give everything for the people I love. Knowing that Cas is no longer on the show has broken my heart. I know that he will never really be gone, but I can't ever forget the way he went out. As much as I loved that scene and that beautiful speech he gave, I think he deserved better than that. He was taken out so quickly, he didn't even make it to the final episode. Being taken by the empty is not how I wanted it to go, I think that he really did deserve better than that. He rebelled, he saved them multiple times, he did so much for them, he willingly was possessed by lucifer. He died for them, for Dean. In a way I think he he wasn't just talking to Dean in that scene. I think he was talking to us too. Saying goodbye and I love you. I think in my mind that Castiel was and is an Angel in my life, for me. I see him as someone who I can count on to show me what loving people really looks like. Doing anything for them, being brave and strong for them in moments where weakness is what many people would think is the only thing to feel. But being utterly vulnerable in his own way, makes me feel like it's ok to be vulnerable and that it's not weakness it's strength in learning to feel new things and learning that like he said happiness isn't in having its in just being. I can never be able to learn that from anyone else because everytime I have seen him on screen no matter how many times I've seen the same scene he has taught me something new each time. I wish I could say thank you to him. I wish I could say thank you to Misha for giving me someone to really and truly look up to. Him and Castiel are such beautiful souls and I just can never give them a proper thank you. I know for a fact that they have changed me and have gotten me through some of my worst and darkest moments. I have never been this emotional over a show, but Supernatural is different it's not just a show for me it's a reality I could get lost in and learn from. I've never cried over a character this much, it's the day after the episode aired and I'm still crying because he means so much to me. I want everyone to know that it's ok to love a show and a character because people may not understand but they teach you something and give you someone to connect to. Love isn't just reserved for reality and real life, love is for everything and anyone that has given you something to hold onto and given you new knowledge of yourself. That's Castiel for me, and I'm not ashamed to say that. My family has made me feel like I'm overdramatic, or crazy for feeling like I do. They make me feel like I'm a weirdo because I connect to him. It hurts me each time because they make me and my feelings feel invalid. I don't want anyone to feel that way. If you love Cas, or Dean, or Sam, Jack too, don't be ashamed of that and don't let anyone make you feel like that's stupid because it's not. If it means something to you, then show that.

Misha is amazing he has given me hope that my future is what I make of it. Work hard, be kind, be yourself and don't you dare let the world take you down. You're gonna be ok, no matter where you come from your life will be amazing if you work hard for it. Accept who you are, and accept others for who they are. Don't let others think low of themselves and lift people up don't tear them down. Be kind to the world when it hasn't been kind to you. Love who you love, and love what you love because you only get one life to do that. Misha makes my life beautiful because he teaches me that the world isn't just confusing, scary and ugly. The world is beautiful, kind, and not something to fear. I wish I could say thank you to him because he saved my life. Not by just being Castiel but by being himself. If I didn't know about the show and him I really don't think I would be where I am today.

Love while you still can. Don't be ashamed of what you love and who you love. Be kind, be brave and open your heart. You'll be ok.

To Castiel, thank you for being my guardian angel.

To Misha, thank you for being my best friend.

To them both, thank you for teaching me love, bravery, strength, acceptance and light.