#like 1. i dont have a second monitor

[mistyycowoa]

Some people called my stream pre recorded in chat.. no I just don't look at chat lmao

I don't get why I'd pre record it anyways,, wouldn't I just stream if I could record??

Fucking dies

[nomairuins]

i didnt shower Or do my laundry today . very bad connor he must go away forever

[writingsfromhome]

Dos and Don’ts III

A/N: firstly apologies for the wait and secondly I absolutely did not want to cut this into another part but here we are 😢 I think this will change some ppls opinions oops dont hate me

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

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I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was off in my life; I felt disconnected from myself, my friends, and most importantly from Gray. But getting Gray to communicate when he didn’t want to could feel like pulling teeth. And I was no dentist.

I figured the solution was to stubbornly throw myself into work. After all, with Harry’s European tour starting March there was always a lot to do.

“Nice of you to get here so early,” Harry says as I step off the elevators just before 9–an hour later than I usually do.

“I had dry cleaning to pick up,” I ignore his sarcasm. “Your tour fits aren’t going to magically appear in the penthouse as nice as that would be for me.”

I keep my tone light, joking, but it’s passive just as he is. And he can’t call passive out.

That’s what working for Harry has been like since December. It was winter outside these walls and inside.

I had originally decided to let it all go after sitting with the party’s events that weekend but upon arriving to work Harry had been particular asshole-ish and I decided two could play at the game. It was like the holiday party never happened. And I was okay with that.

“If they did, I wouldn’t need you would I?” Harry takes on the same tone I do.

Asshole, “yeah, how nice would that be.”

I walk away to his closet to hang up the garment bags.

“You still have two fits that need final fitting. For today, you’ve got a 2pm for your ear plugs and monitors,” I say as I walk back into the main living space. I take in Harry in his bathrobe and bedhead and realize he must be hungover. Which meant extra grumpy. “Also a meeting before noon with Jeff—he’s sick so he’ll do a Zoom. And rehearsals start tomorrow at 8am.”

The long-awaited tour he was rehearsing for was 2 months long and with his tour manager joining him I’d be kind of redundant. We agreed I’d start the tour with him, and then end it as he came back to the UK but I’d take a break in between.

“Good,” Harry sits on a barstool and as the robe parts I hoped he was wearing something underneath. “Are you joining rehearsals?”

“Tomorrow yeah,” I instinctively start tidying the coffee table littered with Harry’s activities from last night. There’s empty bottles and unused rolling papers, takeout containers and unopened bottles.

“Can you stop that,” Harry snaps. He’s wincing when I look up. “The clinking—it’s too loud.”

His second statement comes out softer but it doesn’t make him any less irritating.

“I’ll just toss these ones,” I take the ones I’d gathered in my hand.

“So,” he carries on with the earlier conversation. “Just tomorrow yeah?”

“Yep, to make sure everyone’s there, forms are signed, and all that. Jeff will drop by too. Otherwise I’ll just be there once a week or so since I have other things to complete.”

“So you’ll enjoy the full glory of the show once it’s live on stage?”

“I guess.”

“Please y/n reign in the excitement, it’s just too much.” Harry flexes his sarcasm again.

I look up from the other side of the island and lock eyes with him. With one bottle still in my hand I don’t put it in gently, instead letting it drop onto the others in the bin. His face twists in pain and I get my hit of satisfaction.

“I am excited,” I continue. “I’ll be more excited when you get on tour but right now I’m buried under an insane amount of logistics and stuff. So I’m just pacing myself.”

“Glad you got that out of your system,” he slides off the stool. “Are you sure you want to join tour? It takes a toll.”

“What? Am I taking up the space you reserved for groupies?” I goad.

He pretends to think, “No…we’ve got a whole other bus for that.”

“Great,” I smile. “Then I’ll definitely be there for the start of your tour, cheering you on.”

“Not too hard though,” Harry grabs a water from the fridge and heads towards the bedrooms. “Can’t have all of y/n’s enthusiasm overshadowing my fans.”

I roll my eyes behind his back and choose not to respond, as tempting as it was.

By the end of the week I’ve met everyone that’ll be joining the tour, taken copies of a million contracts and filed a billion papers.

It’s Saturday night and we’re heading home from the studio. Harry, in a twist of kindness, offers to drop me home.

“You don’t live too far,” he comments as we get closer to my building.

“Yeah, I was surprised with that.” It was a stroke of luck having a short commute.

“How does Mr. Duran feel about you coming on tour?”

I throw him a look but he sits there smug, waiting. “Well he’s not keen on me being away from home for so long but otherwise he’s fine.”

“Is he?” Harry extends his knee to nudge mine, irritating me. Just a few more minutes.

“Yes.” I turn to look out the window, no longer interested in the conversation. In reality Gray had been pretty upset that I’d be travelling the continent with womanizer Harry Styles. I’d soothed his fears but he was hard-headed about it.

Originally I’d saved the conversation to be had after New Year’s to not ruin the holidays but Josie had brought up tickets for the tour during Christmas dinner and although I played it off then, he’d been in a mood since.

“You’re an awful liar,” Harry says. I don’t respond. Luckily I’m home.

I figured Sunday, on my day off, Gray and I could catch up and spend quality time together. Maybe iron out some of our kinks. But he tells me he had a few sessions and I’m left alone for most of the day, convinced Gray booked them on purpose but not wanting to admit what that meant.

The following Thursday night, Gray and I finally collide after I’d spent the week stewing in my anger and anxieties.

“Why won’t you just talk to me? I feel like I’m living with a stranger these days.” The conversation starts out semi-tamed as we wash up for dinner.

“You feel that way? Well I’ve seen my fiancée for less than 48 hours a week this last year. Talk about being a stranger.”

“I’ve been taking more time off,” I wonder when he decided to count the number of hours. But it was true—I’d started doing a half-days on most Saturdays and coming home earlier on week nights. Like tonight, I’d been home by half past 6. “I’ve been trying to spend more time at home.”

“Too little too late,” Gray mutters.

“What?”

“I just mean,” he sighs. “I…y/n, we barely get time together. We’re like flatmates these days aren’t we? We haven’t-“

“Don’t you dare Gray,” I wasn’t having this. I refused to hear what he was trying to get at.

“Y/n don’t be difficult-“

“Difficult!? You can’t go radio silent on me and then decide 3 years can just go down the drain.”

“I’m not saying that-“

“Then what are you saying!?”

The silence rings to the corners of our kitchen. The dishes are long forgotten, suds drip down my elbow and onto the floor, and Gray’s towel hangs like a white flag beside him.

“You knew what this job meant—you work with the same clientele, and you encouraged me to go for it. I’m trying to be better I don’t get it.” I finally say.

“I’m saying something needs to change.”

What takes me back the most is the even—even apathetic, tone. It’s the fact that he must have been thinking on this for long enough to be so level-headed about it.

Who has he talked to, I wonder. His sister? Our friends? Who’s advised him to go in this direction because the Grayson I know wouldn’t do me like this. Couldn’t.

Are you even the y/n Grayson knows, a small voice asks in my head.

“We’ve changed, I get it.” My tone takes a pleading ring to it and I hate it. “But you can’t just decide this isn’t worth fighting for Gray-“

“I’m not Y/n,” he puts the towel to the side and grabs my arms. “I’m not throwing anything away but we need to bloody figure something out because…I’m unhappy. And can you really say our relationship is the same? Can you call what we’re in a relationship?”

“Why not?” I whisper, tears choking me. “I thought we love each other and we support each other and-and we see each other through thick and thin.”

“I love you,” Gray squeezes. “And I know we’ve seen each other through thick and thin but…I don’t know if I can keep supporting you at the expense of us.”

“Well what do you want?” I look up into his brown eyes. They’re steady like they usually were.

“I want you, selfishly. I want all of you.”

He had what he wanted, didn’t he get that? He had me. I don’t know what more of me I could give him. And that thought tears me right through.

“What happened to setting a date?” Gray steps back and takes his steady grip with him. I sink into the countertop behind me. “What happened to planning for our future? Marriage and kids and buying a home and doing something more?”

His voice raises as he talks.

“I feel like I’ve been living in limbo for the last year! Just waiting around for you. I don’t know how much longer I can wait-“

“We can set a date,” I say. “We can do all that! You-you haven’t brought up any of it either! If it’s been weighing on your mind why don’t you ever just say something!?”

“I shouldn’t have to!”

I’d hit a nerve. We’d had this conversation a dozen times.

“Of course you do! Like, I’m not a mind reader you’ve been stewing in these feelings for god knows how long and now you’re telling me you’re thinking of-of-of ending things!?”

There, I’d said it.

His face contorts into a flurry of emotions. My body feels ragged just saying these things out loud.

“When I spoke to Stewart and Bex they said-“

“Stewart and…” I was right he’s been talking. “You were talking to Stew and Bex!? Since when did you spend time with Bex?”

“Since I had a lot of time alone at home.”

Fuck, he managed to get the upper hand all the time with that one valid point he had.

“They both agreed with me that this isn’t right. I’m allowed to be upset and ask you for something to change-“

“But why didn’t you talk to me!” The switch to anger is quick when he admits he was talking to our friends. I think about the last few times we saw them—had they been judging me? Had Gray told them by then?

Gray tries to brush past and tell me more about his validated feelings, about how things had changed. I can’t hear anymore.

“This decision you seem to want to make for both of us should involve me too and yet you make it the talk of the town before consulting me. I’m so goddamn tired of the way you shut down Gray I-“

“I’m tired!” He butts in. “I’m tired of watching things change and being forced to move past it.”

I stare at him. He’s not bending whatsoever. He’s not even understanding the frustration at being the last to know his feelings on our fucking relationship. Didn’t he understand how iced out that made me feel? When I’ve been trying to be as mindful as I can?

“You know what Gray,” I sneer. “You talk about us changing but did you ever think that we’ve been changing since we first met!? The only thing that’s different now is we stopped talking!”

I throw the rest of the dishes into the soapy water and storm out to the only safe haven I had right now—our bed.

Everyone wanted parts of me I couldn’t give and I felt torn to shreds! I hardly recognized the girl in the mirror, I hardly remembered what it felt like to be me.

The only time I felt centered, a bit of calm, was here. With Gray.

And now I knew the feelings weren’t mutual. He’d been thinking of ending things while I had curled in his arms. While I had kissed him goodnight and hello. While we had dinner or drinks. While we hung out with friends who were privy to all the cracks in our relationship. Who knows how long it had been a one-sided feeling.

I bury my head into my pillow wanting to scream and cry at the same time. My head hurts but mostly my heart hurts. I feel betrayed by my bestest friend and the person I love the most.

You’re no better, the ugly voice in my head shows up again. You’ve done things you should be ashamed of.

I block the voice out. I block it all out until all I feel is numb.

Gray doesn’t come to bed at all that night. I drag myself out of the nest I’d created some time around midnight, thinking he fell asleep on the sofa. To tell him to come to bed since I knew our sofa wasn’t long enough for him to even fit on.

I sway in the middle of the empty living room. There’s nobody here. Definitely not Gray. He’d left altogether, to wherever he’s been finding refuge recently.

It hits me; I think I’ve done this to myself. I was alone. Really alone.

***

The scowl is permanently etched onto my face as I go about my Friday morning. I feel Harry’s eyes on me a few times but even he doesn’t broach the subject. We silently maneuver around each other until he leaves for rehearsal.

I think about calling my friends to talk about this but I realize all my friends who were up to date on my life had become interwoven with Gray’s. And I already know Gray complained about my job to them based on a few parties last year. So they definitely wouldn’t be unbiased listening to anything I said.

I regret then, not staying in touch more with my friends back home. For the first time in years I feel a bit homesick.

I decide busying myself with work would be the only thing to keep me sane so I throw on headphones and get down to business.

As the day starts to come to an end I put on Harry’s stereo with the mournful songs that had been comforting me today and grab a seltzer from the fridge. He wouldn’t be home until 8 tonight and he’s always been open about using whatever was in the general living spaces.

So I nearly have a heart attack when I see a shadow from the corner of my eyes around 6.

I give a shout when it comes with a voice and once my senses return I realize it’s just a sweaty Harry back early from rehearsal.

“What? Are you doing here!?” I press on my pounding heart. “Alexa music off.”

He’s grinning at the way I reacted and now he laughs, it’s a bending-over laugh and I chuckle myself as I replay how dramatic it all was.

“Wow.” He says when he finally catches his breath. “I wish I had that on video.”

“Jesus,” I swear. “I thought you’d be home a lot later.”

“So this is what happens when I’m not home,” he teases.

“Only on Fridays,” I collapse into the closest chair and tilt my head back. “God, I thought there was like, an intruder or something. Or a ghost.”

He laughs again, moving to the kitchen for a water. “Good thing ghosts don’t exist.”

“They so do.” I reply.

“There’s no proof that’s ever convinced me they exist.”

“You live a sad skeptical life Mr. Styles.” My breathing is finally regulated and I sit up to look at him. “I’ve seen one myself when I was a teen. I wish I could be a disbeliever like you.”

“You’ll have to tell me the story,” he leans on the island looking very amused.

“I will,” I accept his challenge.

“I cut rehearsals short,” he continues. “I’m knackered from this week. I just want to be one with my couch and get drunk and not worry about what moves to do and what song to sing.”

“Yeah,” he looked tired and his hair was getting a bit shaggy. He runs his hand through the damp curls. “I need a shower and I think I should do a trim.”

“Consider it booked,” I pull the phone towards me and text his usual stylist. I hear him move around the space and pause before he disappears down the hall.

“Are you heading home soon?” He asks.

“Hm?” I kill time responding, acting like I didn’t hear his response. I didn’t want to go home at all. I didn’t even know if Gray was home or not and I didn’t want to find out. Harry repeats his question. “No. I wanted to wrap up some things. I can move to the office if you wanted the space to chill out?”

He shrugs and tells me I could go where I want.

I wanted to be out of the way, and not home. So I move to the office. The same office where weeks ago I’d teetered on the edge of a fatal decision and now was faced with the possibility of that decision made for me.

I slump in the seat and take a moment to just decompress. A headache creeps around my eyes and I just feel lost and hurt and alone.

When I break the laptop open again I move like a slug, scraping the barrel of effort and coming up with nil.

“Uh y/n?” Harry’s head pops into the door a while later.

“Yeah?” I blink up at him, still in slug mode.

He stares at me a second, “Do you have plans tonight? You could…join me in doing nothing?”

When was the last time I did nothing? I couldn’t remember. And it sounded like a distraction—not a good one, but one that helped me avoid home for longer.

“Sure?” I respond.

Harry blinks. “Oh. Brilliant. Finish what you’re doing if you’d like or you can join me now. Oh. Could you also order us some pizza or something that’s greasy and bad for us?”

I liked the direction of this. I feel my sluggish feeling slide away. “I can do that.”

“Good. Great. This is going to be a good night.”

He moves away as he talks and his last sentence is shouted from down the hall. I smile, relieved to do something like this.

I consider texting Gray, but decide against it. He left last night without a word, making me worried and today there’s been radio silence. I wasn’t in the mood to take the high road.

I do as Harry asks. Meanwhile Harry had put on some peppier music and brought out a six-pack from the fridge. His head is buried in the pantry rummaging through.

“What do you need?” I come up behind him.

“Oh,” he pops out. “Looking for some sweets. I’m sure I have some somewhere.”

“Oh yeah!” I close the doors he’s looking in and open the top cabinet. His eyes light up when he spots the options. “Food’s on its way by the way.”

He rubs his hands and starts pulling things off the pantry. It’s a different energy than any before, he’s not picking on me or ordering me around. He’s just inviting me to be on the ins with him. My instinct is to stay quiet and see where it goes but I shake it off.

“Are we just playing with beer tonight or is wine on the menu?” I ask. I hated the taste of beer.

“It could?” He unloads the pile in his arms onto the island and starts rummaging through the wines. “How about this one?”

A white. I take it from him and head for some glasses.

We end up making a buffet for ourselves on the coffee table and when the pizza comes we settle in, chatting occasionally about the things around us.

“So what does doing nothing involve?” I ask when we’re situated on the couch. Harry’s left a few feet of space between us which is very appreciated. I pull my feet up. “Because I have to say it’s been a while and I don’t know how to do nothing.”

He laughs, throwing his head back. I find myself grinning in response.

“Touché mon amie.”

“Okay I actually got that,” I nod.

“Do you speak french?” He asks as he opens the wine and pours us both a glass, mine’s a lot more full than his.

“No but I spent a month in Paris when I was in uni,” I savour the sour flavours of the wine as it coats my mouth and settles me down. “So I learned the bare minimum. Now all I can say is bonjour, ca beigne? And also un verre du vin s’il vous plait?”

“So you cut right to the chase—hey are you alright? A glass of wine thanks. Now leave me alone.”

We laugh and I hold up my glass, “I was hoping you’d get the hint. Why is mine so full anyway?”

“I’m just drinking some so you don’t have to drink it alone. Then I’m gonna crack on with the beer.”

“Oh!” There he had to go and be thoughtful again. “Forget it, I will happily drink the bottle. Drink whatever you want.”

“Yeah?” He leans forward to put his glass down.

I lean over and pour his measly amount into mine. “There, you’ve done the sharing part.”

“So y/n,” he asks after we’ve grabbed our respective snacks of choice. “Can I ask why you were listening to all those ballads before I came in?”

“I need to get a bit more drunk before I do that,” I down some more wine, already feeling the buzz of it. Obviously this was not the cheap wine I generally had.

“Alright we’ll get you there,” he promises. His eyes flicker from his phone to me and back to his phone. “Uhh could I show you something?”

“Like what?”

“We’re releasing the MV for one of my songs a week before I go on tour right.”

“Right,” I name the single that’s been thrown around countless times this week.

“I got back the deck for what it’ll look like. I’m excited can I show it to you?”

It’s endearing, in a way, how eager he is to show it. His cheeks even have spots of pink.

“Uh yeah! Let’s see it!”

“Cool,” he grins. He turns on the TV and casts whatever video is on his phone to the screen. He gives me some background on how it was setting up a whole storyline and how they’ve already started filming some of the scenes.

“The shooting starts the week after this one right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be in Scotland for a few days. You’re joining me right?”

“Yes! I’m excited to see all the action myself.” I had signed up for the 4-day trip with zero hesitation. As someone who’s always been making up stories and concepts to most music I listened to, getting to see the bts for an MV was a dream come true.

“Really?” He asks.

“Yeah, it’s real excitement I promise.”

“You’re interested in it?”

“Yeah! I love music videos, it creates a whole new experience for a song we’ve probably listened to on repeat. It’s cool!”

“So this is y/n really enthusiastic,” he leans back in the cushions to get me in full. “Now I really know you couldn’t give a rat’s arse about tour.”

“Stop saying that!” I laugh. “I was just stressed. I am excited about all of it okay?”

“So you say,” with a final glance he presses play and I’m entranced as the narration takes us through the plan.

“Umm all I can say is wow.” I turn to him when it’s done. My wine glass had been emptied and my brain had been itched with the most beautiful location and storytelling I’ve seen in a while. “That’s like a mini movie.”

“That’s what I said!” He exclaims. “It’s going to blow everything out of the water.”

“Look at us, doing nothing.” I realize we’d turned around and talked about work.

“Bollocks we’re no good at this.” Harry slides a hand down his face and I laugh at the dramatics. “Let me refill you at least.”

I happily oblige.

We talk about the mv some more, and move onto the tour. Harry asks me about the concerts I’ve been to and we get the kind of excited when you’re tipsy once we find out we were both at a Coldplay concert four years ago in London.

“That would’ve been before the success so I would have been just another bloke to you,” he notes.

“Yeah, imagine we crossed paths then? That would be crazy.”

“If we did, we might still be doing this tonight, just as mates,” he points to between us. “Or you would have fallen in love with me and I would have sacrificed my music to raise our kids.”

“What!?” It’s so absurdly ridiculous that I nearly snort my wine. “Where did that comes from!?”

“Admit it,” he puffs out his chest. “That would have happened. And I’d be so committed-“

“Well you’re assuming that in a 4 year time-span we would get to the point of having kids. So firstly no, secondly who said you had to sacrifice your career?”

“I-“ he stops mid-sentence, looking into the distance.

“Exactly!” I shout. “You’ve got nothing. You’ve just made up a story that makes you sounds good and noble!”

“Fine,” he settles down. “Fine! We never meet and you end up with your Duran bloke and I end up a musician.”

“Is that all I’m reduced to?” I raise my brow. “Who I’m with?”

“No!” He leans between us to pat my leg. It tingles. “No I didn’t mean it like that. You’ll do great things. I just mean the person you end up with isn’t superstar Harry Styles.”

I roll my eyes, “I need more wine if I’m gonna be subjected to any more of this bullshit.”

“Bullshit?!”

“Mhm,” I pop a gummy into my mouth and ignore the look of shock on his face.

“Fine. Then tell me about your bullshit,” he raises his can. “What’s happening to make you so ferocious this morning.”

Oh god. I hold up a finger and shimmy forward for some more wine. I’d drank 2/3 of the bottle and I was definitely tipsy. Maybe I’ll just sip this one.

“Fine. If you want to hear it.”

“I do.”

“I got into a fight with Gray.”

He raises a brow, I continue.

“He’s upset with me and complaining that I work a lot and that he feels like I’m his flatmate!”

“Flatmate with benefits.”

“Shut up!” I groan. “Not the point.”

“Sorry!” He holds his hands up.

“I don’t think he realizes how much of my head is just Gray like, I’m always thinking about him, about what I could do for him and say to him just to make sure he feels seen and reassured and loved! You know I’ve asked you for half-days on Saturdays when you don’t have a lot going on-“

“Mhm,” he nods along.

“I’m like, making sure I’m being a good partner. And apparently he’s been upset and not saying anything.”

“The old silent on the home front.”

“Yes!” I nearly drip wine as I pump my hand. “Yes, on the home front he’s bloody broody and quiet. I knew something was on his mind but like always he’s tight lipped. Even when I asked him a week ago he said he’s just been working a lot. What a liar!”

I complain about how it felt to be iced out of my partner’s emotions and having to guess all the time.

“Then I find out he’s been talking to all our friends to get advice.” Harry raises his brows in judgement and leans back into the sofa, and the small gesture makes me feel so validated. I didn’t realize how much I needed a third-party to just listen to my side of things. Until now, I’d literally not had anyone to talk to about this especially since I avoided talking about work with Gray. I get misty eyed.

“And when we’re talking he’s like so-and-so said this as if I want to know. And!” Now I was on a roll. I put my glass down in fear of spilling it on the pristine sofa and get on my knees to emphasize my frustration. “And the girl he quoted? Get this, I met her—Rebecca—at a job I did like a year ago? And we got along fabulously and I invited her to this party we threw right because she was new to the city and all that. She met my other friends and she fit in so well they invited her the next event. I got her into the group and now she’s talking shit about me with my fiancé behind my back!”

“She’s probably got a thing for your man,” Harry suggests.

“Oh she definitely does!” I’m animated as I continue. “She so does! I’ve caught her making eyes at him before, and laughing a lot whenever he makes a joke. I even mentioned it to him once but he said he didn’t notice.”

“He probably didn’t,” Harry shrugs.

“I know, the male species is a wonder. You get big flirts like you and then otherwise they’re completely oblivious.”

“I’ll have you know when I was a teen, a girl literally gave me a valentine cupcake and I just thought—well I knew she liked to bake, so I thought she just had extras. I didn’t understand why she didn’t speak to me the rest of the year.”

“No way,” I laugh—a lot because the wine was definitely sloshing around in my head, but also I couldn’t imagine Harry being that aloof. “I guess it comes with the ego territory. Were you less of a jerk as a kid?”

His jaw drops. “You just called me a jerk right now. To my face.”

“I did,” I say with glee. I stand to get the full picture of an offended Harry. “And I don’t regret it. So? Were you nicer as a kid?”

“No I’m not answering until you take that back.”

“What! You are a jerk…sometimes! I’m not taking it back!”

“You have to take it back otherwise I will cut you off on the wine.”

I take a step back and stumble as he speaks. Which makes me laugh more. “I think I should cut back. I am a hot mess.”

“At least you’re laughing,” Harry stands too. “It’s world’s different from this morning.”

Just like telling someone not to think of an elephant, I think of the elephant.

“Noo no don’t do that!” Harry rushes towards me and bends down to look me in the eye. “I liked it when you were smiling just now c’mon.”

“Well you reminded me why I was so upset-“

“Can’t stay grumpy, just give me another smile. One smile! Small teeny tiny smile—there it is!”

I can’t help it with his face in mine and the way he’s putting on a voice to get me to smile my face splits in a grin.

“You’re soooo annoying!” I push him but unstable and drunk I fall backwards.

I don’t know what happens next but I’m on the floor looking up into Harry’s concerned face.

“Y/n? Y/n!?”

“Yeah,” my head pounds as I try to make sense of where I am.

“Fuck,” I hear Harry say. He moves away and the overhead light attacks my eyes so I squeeze them shut.

I hear him, panicked, on the phone.

“No!” I try to call out. “M’fine! Don’t even worry-“

“Stay down Y/N,” he’s back by my side. I try to prove to him that I’m okay and sit up but a few inches off the ground and my head feels like it’s full of bees.

“So many bees,” I murmur as I go back down, now a pillow behind my head.

A few minutes later Harry’s helping me up gently. I tell him I wanted to throw up and he helps me to the toilet where I do. Gah. Why did I drink so much.

“I think I’ll head home now,” I hear myself saying to Harry like I was miles away.

“No,” his hands are around my shoulder and holding me upright as we walk out. The lift increases my nausea but I keep my eyes shut.

“I’m going home now,” I tell Harry when we get outside.

“No you’re getting checked out.”

“No!” I shove him away and nearly topple over myself. Why did he have to boss me around all the time? “Stop telling me what to do! My head hurts I’m going home!”

He tries to grab my hand but I yank it off. “Stop! Just stop!”

“Y/n,” Harry’s voice is low and comforting as he gets down in my ear. He smells nice too. “You passed out and you have a headache we have to get you checked out.”

“You’re no fun,” I cross my arms but follow him, only because my headache is so bad. As we get in the car I close my eyes shut as the lights assault them. Harry doesn’t let me sleep on the ride home even though his body is warm and steady beside me. I barely know where I am.

Harry’s POV:

I keep telling myself she would most likely be fine, just like the doctor reassured me but it’s hard not to beat myself up.

I shouldn’t have let her get that drunk, especially upset. I shouldn’t have gotten in her space and caused her to tumble back. I should have done something else.

The guilt is added to when I think of how I spoke to the doctor, demanding they do every scan and not to skip any. I hated who I became sometimes, when I pulled the famous card, but I thought it was necessary right now. Even y/n would give me a pass for using it.

I can’t stop replaying the thud as her head hit the hardwood floor, her eyelids fluttering as I rushed to her, her slack face when she lost consciousness for a moment.

It’s been hours since we came in. The doctor finally heads my way.

“Mr. Styles, your girlfriend is alright,” he holds up his hands before I’m fully standing.

I may have had to say she was my girlfriend after they wouldn’t let me have any say tonight…

“She’ll be alright, you did the right thing getting her here right away.”

“But?”

“No but,” he smiles. “Obviously it’s serious she has a moderate concussion but if she doesn’t exasperate any symptoms—takes it easy the next couple weeks, she’ll be right as rain. We can discharge her once the neurologist confirms. She’s just finishing with another patient right now-“

“She should stay overnight,” I cut him off. His cheeriness was starting to irritate me I felt like he wasn’t taking this seriously enough.

“Oh well,” he laughs but I know I’m irritating him right back. “She will be alright. I can provide you and her with a followup plan-“

“Doctor,” I say. “She’s staying overnight. If I need to rent a bed I’ll do that, tell me what I need to do, but she should stay under observation. Get the care she deserves.”

He pursues his lips, and I wait for him to agree.

“Yep,” he sighs. “I’ll tell the nurse. Just follow me and we can sort the details.”

We do that, I even take a selfie for the nurse’s daughter which grates on the doctor’s nerves even more. He leaves shortly after.

I get y/n’s room and walk there slowly, wondering how to apologize. Ever since December we’ve been playing a game of tennis with words and tonight I felt both of us relax onto the same note. Then this.

She’s sleeping when I get to her. My watch says 1am. She looks peaceful and it hurts even more.

The truth was despite acting like I didn’t, I did like Y/N but she was complicated, and the more I tried to untangle her web the more sticky things became for both of us. I didn’t want to make more mistakes than I have in the past so I’d kept my distance. Even if it hurt both of us.

Tonight was good though. Until it wasn’t. This was why I shouldn’t blur lines. You would think I’d have learned that by now.

I step by her bed, hesitating. Someone has wiped the remains of her makeup off and she looks so much younger. Like a sleeping cherub. My heart gives a squeeze.

I push back a strand of her hair, my hand wanting to do something. I settle for taking her hand in mine, it’s not the first time I’ve held it but like it always does, a flood of warmth rushes through me.

I never understood Victorian romances until her; just touching her hand got my blood pumping.

With a stroke of my thumb over her knuckles, she stirs. I freeze.

Her eyes flicker open, “Hey?”

My voice disappears. There’s too much that I want to say and nothing I’m allowed to say. Maybe a sorry. I open my mouth but she squeezes my hand. I forgot I was still holding hers.

“So much for doing nothing huh?” She cracks a smile and it breaks the marble I’d become encased in. I laugh and collapse onto the sliver of the bed.

“We should never do nothing again.”

“Nope,” she smiles, closing her eyes again.

“Y/N I’m really sorry for tonight. I feel awful-“

Her mouth parts. She was asleep.

I want to sit here with her until she wakes again, until the doctors kick us out. Something about seeing her so vulnerable here makes me want to confess the thing that’s been lodged in my chest for a long time.

I release her hand and move away from the bed. This was dangerous. Maybe I could wait in the waiting room until she’s released. Then take her home.

Something vibrates. It’s not my phone, and then I notice the purse I’d brought with us. Y/N’s.

I peek inside for the phone and her fiancé’s face takes up the screen. He looks younger. And then I remember, it’s like stepping out of the fog this night had put me in and into reality.

I pick up.

“Y/N it’s nearly 2 in the morning just tell me you’re alright? You haven’t been answering your texts I-“

“Hi,” I clear my throat and the line goes dead silent. I decide to continue. “Hey uh this is Harry. Styles. Uhm, don’t panic or anything because she is okay but she’s in hospital and-“

“What?” He comes back with a boom. “Why is she there what happened? Which hospital?”

I tell him which one, explain she bumped her head and I had to take her here. That the doctors said she would recover and be herself again soon. He simply swears and tells me he’d be there soon.

This was Y/N’s life. This was the right thing to do. Still, I stay in the room with my head in my hands and think about the whole evening again and again.

“Just tell me the bloody room…I don’t care about the time…”

The voice travels through as doors open and close in the hall and I look out. Grayson. Like a pitbull. I can see him through the rectangular window demanding to see Y/N.

I open the swinging doors and his nostrils flare as he spots me.

“Why the hell is he allowed in and not me?” He continues his tirade. “Does hospital policy not matter when it comes to the rich and famous now? I want to see her doctor and-“

The nurse turns to me, annoyed but before she can ask the question the doctor is out.

“What’s all this? Do you know the time sir, please follow me and we can talk-“

“I don’t want to fucking follow you. I want him gone and I want to see my fiancee.”

Looks are exchanged between the doctor and the nurse, finally landing on me. I imagine what they’re thinking—just another homewrecking famous rockstar, do we tell the fiancé or act cool?

“He should be able to see her,” I say in an even tone. I can feel the eyes on me, especially the laser beams from Gray.

“I thought-“

“Okay. Visitor pass him and let him in,” the doctor cuts his nurse off as she stares at me. Maybe her daughter wouldn’t get that photo tonight after all, and instead be told to pick better role models. It doesn’t matter to me. Not tonight.

I watch Gray get sorted, watch him walk down and to Y/N’s room. To his fiancée’s room.

I wonder how he feels, fighting with her last night just for y/n to end up here tonight. I wonder if that’s why he was so vocal tonight—the guilt.

But I suspected he was the kind of man that called himself easy-going and only got this raucous when another man was threatening his public image. It was pretty clear the hospital staff thought we had some pseudo-relationship arrangement. I don’t think Duran was daft enough to miss that.

Plus, I’d been the one to bring her here not him.

With a big sigh I take my phone out to call a taxi. It was my turn to go home.

I text Y/N from the car, tell her to rest over the weekend and let me know how she feels Monday morning. She could take the whole week off if she wanted but I also knew her and knew she would try to come back asap.

I try to piece back the marble armour I wore before tonight, it’s ill-fitting and hurts to get on but I do it anyway. This was why I couldn’t be the person Y/N wanted me to be; I tried to mix parts of my life together and it would only end with shite.

Y/N’s POV:

I don’t know who this man in front of me was. Or actually, I hadn’t seen him a long time.

I’d been discharged from the hospital on Saturday morning with odd looks all around. Maybe because Harry brought me in? And ever since, Grayson has been doting on me. Doting.

“Did you want anything specific?” Gray stands at the foot of the bed, asking me what he should make me for breakfast. The last time he made me a special breakfast was…last summer?

“I wouldn’t say no to pancakes?” I reply. “I looove your chocolate chip pancakes.”

“I’ll get it started,” he walks over to kiss my temple and leaves.

The weirdest part is that I feel weird; I don’t know why but Gray doting on me like this made me feel claustrophobic and…weird!

I look out the window to the overcast sky. Same, I think. At least for a Sunday, it felt fitting.

I pick up my phone and check the last response from Harry. Since I got discharged he’d been texting me to see how I was feeling. I think he was feeling guilty even though I told him it wasn’t his fault.

I tried not to drink when I was upset because back in uni it led to some shitty situations but the other night I’d overstepped my rule and done this anyway. And paid for it. I should have known better. And after the absolute misery of yesterday’s aftermath—the migraine and the vertigo and the completely lack of appetite, I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. Ever.

Today I feel a lot better. I still have a headache and I’m looking forward to breakfast with my painkiller, but the light doesn’t hurt as much and the nausea only comes back when I do too much.

You: I’ll be back in no time. Feeling better

Harry: I want you to feel the best so I’m banning you from working until Wed. And that’s conditional on you feeling better

Y: Doc said I can resume a lowkey version of my life after 48hrs

H: I didn’t like that doc. take my advice instead

Y: when did you get your md

H: same time you got yours

Y: I have an md?

H: being stubborn 101

Y: your jokes are a lot better when you text

H: cuz you’re not distracted by my face

Y: ooookay I’m no longer giving you the platform byeee

He was sassy, apparently. I never got this side of him before.

I read through the convo again and smile. But it hits me that it sounded like flirting. And that would be incredibly inappropriate. So I shove my phone in my bedside drawer and inch out of bed to join Gray.

We spend the day talking about a lot, but not about what we should talk about. Which, with the way I was feeling, was fine by me. At the same time it felt like we were both politely playing a role neither of us could put our hearts into. It felt shitty.

Gray has a session around 4 and I crawl back into bed, putting on a romcom I’ve watched a million times for comfort.

My body feels heavy and it has nothing to do with the concussion. The last couple days and my current relationship with Gray casts a shadow over my thoughts. I felt like making any decision was like wading through quicksand and running away just sounded better.

I rub my temples, hoping like a genie’s lamp, I could get an omnipotent spirit cast out and grant me easy wishes. I’d wish for things to go back to normal, for my heart not to be such a wretched thing. For clarity.

I pick up my phone and scroll to the one person I had run away from and have missed since. I didn’t talk to her very often but I thought I could use her no-nonsense approach.

My mom frets when I tell her what had happened. She goes quiet as I tell her I’d gotten drunk to forget about the troubles in my relationship.

“Relationships go through a lot of phases. It’s like going through those cave tunnels all made of rock and you gotta squeeze really tight sometimes just to fit through and continue on.”

“That is an amazing comparison mom, but I don’t know if this is one of those times. It feels like Gray’s already given up on us.”

“Well it’s been a long time he’s waited.”

“But he never said. He never talked to me.”

She sighs. “Your Grayson sure is a contemplative son of a bitch isn’t he?”

I laugh a little too hard and feel a pulse in my head. “I know. But then today he was so dang sweet—since I got home. He was so overprotective. And he made me breakfast mom and it made me realize I haven’t had that Gray in a long time.”

She’s silent on the other end. She knew there was more. How did I ever think, as a teen, my mom didn’t understand me? I think I just never understood her.

“But it felt weird.” I continue. “I feel horrible for saying it but I felt weird!”

“Was there heart?” She asks gently.

There wasn’t.

That’s what it was. And my heart weeps. All those actions without feelings.

“Have you thought about coming home?” Mom asks when the silence stretches. She always asked and I was the worst daughter in the world for never going back. The last time was when I graduated, for 2 weeks in which my family drove me crazy and I had been crazy in love with Gray and eager to get back to him.

“Maybe,” I close my eyes and slide down into bed.

“Your brother’s new girlfriend reminds me of that friend you had where she came on our camping trip and cried the whole time? What was her name?”

“Deanna? Mom I stayed friends with her all through high school! She was just very anxious.”

“I know! His girlfriend’s always darting about, jumping at tiny things. Reminds me of her.”

“Well Jace better be treating her right.”

“He does,” mom’s voice raises. “You should see them together. It’s cute but they’re still teenaged loves so I try not to break his bubble too much.”

Mom had definitely relaxed a lot since I was a teen. She had practically chased my first boyfriend away.

“Remember your first boyfriend?” She asks and I shout how I was remembering that too. We end up talking about old memories, and I feel a little more known and a little less lonely when I hang up.

Gray and I order takeout and I try to watch a movie with him but the strain on my eyes gets too much. I tell him I was going to bed and insist that he stays and finishes. I didn’t feel like watching him play boyfriend.

I’m eager to get back to work, for next week when I can go to Scotland for the MV. The eagerness comes from guilt but I carry both as I fall asleep.

***

I feel like a kid at Disneyland. Or maybe a Disney adult. Either way, I’m blown away getting to watch this MV come to life.

It’s long hours, a lot of waiting, and some shouting. But everything else is magic.

I came back to work last Thursday and other than an ear-splitting headache on the flight and a low-grade one when I stared at a screen too long, I was on my way to normal. When I got back to work Harry kept making excuses for me so I could work from the office but I refused to be treated differently and eventually he relented.

“It’s so freaking cold!” I jump up and down beside Harry by the cliffside. He’s just wrapped up a scene and the crew was taking a look at the footage to see if they needed anything more in this spot.

“Why don’t you put on more layers? Do you want an extra coat the crew might have-“

“No!” I continue wriggling around. “I’m heading back to the car in a few. This is an amazing view.”

“Isn’t it,” Harry turns to the sea that’s churning away much like my own heart these days. It feels calming to see it physically somewhere else.

We stand in silence except for my occasional teeth chattering and stare out to the view.

“Have you seen more of it?” Harry motions to the cameras. “What do you think?”

On this trip I’ve been giving my honest opinion, and I know I’ve offended Harry at least once but I didn’t come all the way here for my dream experience only to stroke his ego.

I tell him my take. We talk about the overall storyline about belonging and sacrifice until we’re interrupted with two hands holding out hot teas.

“You both looked cold,” the woman says. She was another assistant on set and I’m not sure what to do being waited on as a PA myself.

“Oh, thank you!” I make sure she knows I appreciate it. “That’s…that’s super kind thanks!”

She throws us both a smile and I stare at my cup, the heat tingling on my cold fingertips.

“Friendship and belonging yeah,” Harry starts up again.

“Yeah but also I like how you—your character, whatever, knows when it’s time to leave for his better growth. Sacrifice with his friend and sacrifice with the only home he’s known. Plus that’s a comfortable outfit.”

I tap a button on Harry’s jumpsuit. He grins. “You can have it.”

“I would be drowning in that you’re a lot taller.”

“We can have it altered,” he says. A shiver runs through me at we. I blame it on the cold.

I sip the tea now that it’s not scalding and find it’s a lot cooler. The open air, I guess.

“So you really love all this,” Harry says. “You weren’t joking about that excitement.”

“No I told you!” I flash to the night we did “nothing” which feels long ago. “I have a vivid imagination when it comes to music and I spent any spare courses on film so now I can interpret the heck out of any song and music video like my life depends on it.”

“We should get you back there,” he motions to the crew. “Get you on board.”

“Would I get the little clipboard and clapper?”

“Yeah!”

“Goals,” I sigh.

Little did I know, by Saturday as we’re filming our final scene one of the crew members hands me the clapper. He tells me I’m supposed to cut the final scene. I stare at him, thinking I misheard.

The clapboard hangs between us. He shakes it a little and I take it. It’s heavier than I thought.

“Harry asked if you can cut for the final scene, see the man behind the camera? He’ll look to you and give you the nod. Then you step in front and just do the thing.”

“Oh…” I’m still staring at the thing in my hand. My palms feel sweaty like it’s going to crash to the ground and break in two but that thought gets me to hold it closer. “Thanks.”

“Yep,” the guy walks away and I stare at the scene being filmed. Slowly I walk closer to the cameraman and he glances at me, notices the clapper, and smiles holding up two fingers.

He whispers something to someone beside him and they change the lighting. Harry walks off “screen” and I try to catch his eye to show him what I had. We catch it briefly and he winks before walking back onto the screen.

Oh my god! My heart is racing as I hold it in my hands. I had to chill. Or I’m gonna make a mess of things. It’s just a clapperboard and you’re saying one word!

Two minutes. I manage to calm down enough and when I get the signal I step in front of the camera and, as I see it later on, with the biggest grin on my face I clap down and yell “cut!”

Harry lets out a whoop and the crew cheers as the filming wraps up. I’m sure my eyes are wide as saucers as I go to Harry. He puts an arm around me and pulls me in, laughing because I tell him my heart is racing and how does he do tours when just that made me shaky.

“It gets easier,” we walk now with his arm around my shoulder. “One day you’ll be behind the camera shouting at me to move places.”

“Oooh getting to boss you around and get paid for it?” I look up at him and my breath catches because he’s handsome at every bloody angle. “Sign me up.”

He let me go and gives me a few tsks. Then he gets his phone and tells me to pose with the clapper and I do it happily. The picture shows a grinning girl with pure delight on her face.

“I’ll put that as your contact photo right,” Harry says as he gets into a jacket. “And that way at least when you call me with bad news I get to see a smile beforehand.”

“Har har,” I roll my eyes but I don’t hate the idea.

A lot of the crew decide to go out for drinks and dinner and Harry passes but I decide to go. I’d met some friendly faces and I would miss working with them, miss the overall energy, when we got back to London.

As I fall asleep that night, full and content, I realize I hadn’t texted Gray all day. I wake to check my phone and see he’d sent a text a few hours ago.

Sorry I was out for lunch with the crew. Babe it was sooooo fun I can’t wait to show you pictures when I get home.

I read the rest of his message asking how I was. I tell him my headache was gone and ask him about his week but I’ve fallen asleep before he can respond.

***

The morning I have to leave for tour I wake up way too early. Too much nervous excitement. I’d already brushed and checked my luggage was packed before crawling back into bed waiting for Gray to wake.

I watch him sleep, my eyes following the familiar contours of his face. We’d been making an effort at rebuilding the relationship since we agreed we at least had to give it a try after I got home from Scotland a month ago. On one hand it feels like starting a new relationship and also breathing easier because we were both on the same page. On the other, we’d finally started planning the wedding!

I would miss him, nearly 3 weeks away which is the longest we’ve been apart since we got together. Then I’d be home for 2 weeks, and away for the last week before Harry finishes with a couple shows in London. It was going to be epic and crazy as exhausted as I’ve been.

I huddle close to Gray and he stirs slightly but I kiss his neck to wake him.

“Hey,” he mumbles in his sleep.

“Morning,” I press another kiss to his face.

“What time?” He moves his head to kiss me back.

“Hmmm half past 7?”

He grumbles about it being so early but it stops shortly after with both of my legs on either side of him and my hair curtaining our faces.

“M’gonna miss your snooty face,” I say with another kiss. He finally opens his eyes and his hand comes up to hold my chin.

“I’ll be the one here missing you.”

“I’ll call every chance I get.”

“You’ll get to see so many new cities,” he says.

“Barely but I’m gonna try to make the most of it,” the travel schedule was hectic but I know there were a couple slower days I could use to explore cities. If I wasn’t completely exhausted.

“You’ll have a lot of fun,” he pushes my hair behind my ear.

“Remember Josie’s coming this weekend to stay the week.” Gray’s sister had taken the opportunity of a semi-empty flat to stay here while she studied for mid-terms. I had encouraged it so Gray felt less lonely.

“She’s gonna drive me crazy,” he huffs.

“Just behave,” I warn him.

“I don’t know how,” he smiles, rolling us around so he’s on top and showing me what misbehaving means. I don’t mind it a bit.

After a quick shower together we head out to the airport, Harry offered to pick me up on his way but I wanted to make sure I spent as much time with Gray as possible so he doesn’t feel like I was leaving him like before. I hoped he knew, at least, the effort I was making.

***

Stockholm, Hamburg, Oslo, and Copenhagen in one week. It was exhilarating and exhausting and hectic and so fulfilling.

I had seen Harry at small shows before but on the big stage he has a presence with a capital P. It’s amazing watching him perform and dance and be charming all over. He could be cheeky yet command the crowd at the same time. And despite all these sides he’s never inauthentic.

For the first time I’m able to take somewhat of a backseat. He already had his manager, tour manager, stylist, and tour chef with him to manage most aspects I would regularly. I became sort of an extra hand when I wasn’t having sit-down hours. That’s what I called the times I was sitting on the laptop sorting out future timelines for Harry’s life (and my wedding).

But I loved it. I’d pick a cafe close to our hotel and spend a few hours working. I’d call Gray during these times and if he was free we’d catch up on all I saw and he’d share stories with me until Josie crashed the conversation with stories of her own.

My eye bags require more concealer than usual and my body begs for nutrition but otherwise I love every second.

I’m back from my sit-down hours and get off the lift. Harry and his team were placed in the same hotel just down the hall from each other. As I approach my own door one of Harry’s band mates rushes out of his door looking stressed.

“He’s in a mood,” she huffs. “Don’t go in there.”

“Did something happen?” I ask.

She shrugs, “he gets this way. Usually at the start of tour I don’t know why. Kinda snappy just…give him space.”

I do as she says but the next morning as we wait to board our early flight to Paris he continues to be a dick to everyone.

“Maybe take a nap on the flight Haz,” one of his bandmates suggest. “We’re all bloody tired don’t be such a grump.”

“I don’t need a bloody nap stop treating me like a child.”

“What to do when you act like one.”

“You know what-“

“Woah hey c’mon.”

I startle at the commotion, I was starting to doze off but Harry rushing out of his seat and someone else stepping between him and Mitch wakes me entirely.

“Let’s stand there get some space.” Niji recommends.

Everyone follows the group away and it’s Harry, myself, and my bag left.

He glances at me, “Don’t you start too.”

“I wasn’t…”

“I could see it in your face.”

“What the hell? I was just napping I don’t even know what’s going on except that you really are being a dick.”

“There you go!” He points. “I knew you wanted to say it.”

“Guess I’m joining the others…” I pick up my bag and walk to everyone else. They’re all venting their frustrations for Harry and comfort me that he was an asshole to everyone.

It gets worse on the flight when our pilot announces we couldn’t land in Paris.

“What’s going on?” I ask our hostess.

“The weather, we apologize for the inconvenience folks but there is high winds and a lot of fog so it’s not safe to fly.”

“I have a show tonight,” Harry stands and starts to advance on the poor woman. “I need to be in Paris before 4 where are we landing?!”

“Sir we’ll be landing in the Lille airport. This is good because we’re only a few hours from the city-“

“For fuck’s sake,” Harry runs his hand through his hair.

“I understand,” the woman looks back at me and I nod, letting her know I got it.

“Harry we’ll only be delayed by a few hours-“

“I don’t have time for a few hours. We need to set up and run tests in Paris! We were supposed to be there yesterday but somebody booked the wrong shit!”

It was true, his tour manager had booked us for Monday morning rather than Sunday morning but at the time it hadn’t been a big deal since the show was 7 on Monday and we got an extra day to relax. Now it made things more stressful.

“Fuck this,” Harry mutters. The other members on the plane roll their eyes and put on headphones, sighing and looking out the window. It was obvious to everyone but Harry that this was just a minor setback.

I decide to be the idiot who enters the lion’s cage. Harry sits in the back of the plane jiggling his leg and trying to connect his phone to service.

“Are you trying to call Morgan?” I ask.

“No I’m trying to call the pope.”

“He might be sleeping.”

He looks up at me and if I wasn’t aware of how stressed he was I would laugh. Confused doesn’t even cover his expression.

“I don’t have time for this right now, I need to get to the show-“

“We have like a five hour wiggle room it’s just a minor-“

“I can’t perform thrown off like this!”

“There’s no reason to be thrown off!” I try to keep my volume contained but I can feel eyes on my back.

“I don’t need you right now just go.”

“So I guess the one week rule is true.” I mutter.

“What’s that?” He asks with an i-dare-you expression.

“I said the one week rule of you being an asshole on tour, I guess that was true. I wish someone told me I would have skipped it.”

“Well you could have skipped the whole thing and nobody would notice.”

His comeback is muttered but cuts like a machete and I feel like the words were physically slung at me. I stand there stunned, my heart sinking as he continues to fiddle with his phone until the call connects.

The shock wears off quickly leaving me with the familiar heat of anger. This was how I reacted to Harry and his dickish ways. How dare he? Why the fuck does he think it’s okay to treat me like this when he wanted? I clench my fist as his voice rises with Morgan.

But beneath the anger is a raw hurt, his words struck a nerve. The same one Gray had struck once. I was replaceable, and all the efforts I’ve put into my career were unimportant and unappreciated.

I snatch the phone from Harry, annoyed at hearing him talk at Morgan.

“Hey Morgan it’s Y/N, yeah it’s a minor inconvenience but if you can get a bus or something to the airport it should be…”

I look to the hostess and she flashes me two fingers and a shake of her hand.

“About 2 hours to get into the city.” I finish. I nod along to Morgan’s questions and repeat details back. “Yeah just text me on my phone, not Harry’s. We’ll sort this out.”

“Thank you y/n. I’m really glad you’re there today.”

The words are a feather on a pile of nails, it’s nice to hear but Harry’s cruel words still ring in my ear.

I hand the phone back to him, expecting a thank you or an apology, but he just takes it and slinks down in his seat.

“It’s her isn’t it?” Sarah gets up on her seat on her knees to look back at Harry. I pause as I walk up the aisle. Is was who?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry mutters with his eyes glued to his screen.

“It is,” someone else says.

“Who?” Claire asks.

“Don’t take his mood personally,” Sarah says to me. “Paris is a touchy city for him.”

“Do you guys ever shut up?” Harry asks.

“No that’s why we’re your crew,” Mitch responds.

“We understand,” Sarah continues. Who was she talking about!? “Just don’t take it out on us. It’s not nice.”

Harry doesn’t respond but I sense a deflating happening on his side. Sarah’s words had gotten through to him but they’d just made me super curious.

I get filled in as we wait at the airport for our bus—Morgan had saved the day.

I hear about Harry’s french lover and how he got his heart broken a couple years ago. How the last time they were in France he had disappeared for a day and they’re all sure he visited her. How he can’t go to Paris without getting in a mood, either because he doesn’t get to see her or he’s anxious about seeing her.

“That’s like a city-specific booty-call.”

“Kinda,” Sarah laughs. “But I think he grew really attached to her so it’s a bit—he’s coming back.”

Harry stomps back to where we are, a tray of coffee in his hands. His team accepts it without a word. The world’s most famous non-verbal apology.

I watch him wearily. I still wanted a verbal apology from him, was that crazy? What he said was deeply hurtful. And hearing about his French lover makes me feel a way that I don’t like so I shut it out. I stick to the anger instead. It was easier.

He starts to warm up as we board the bus, cracking jokes with his band. I pick a seat near the front and stay there with my headphones. Aside from answering Morgan’s texts I pretend to be asleep. Eventually I do.

Someone flicks my hat, “C’mon sleepyhead! We’re in the city of love.”

“Wha?” There’s a crick in my neck and I feel rusty. But Harry’s right, we’d landed in Paris. He hovers above my seat with a jovial smile but it dies the longer I don’t return it. Serves him right. He doesn’t get to be cruel and wipe it away with coffee and a joke.

He gets the hint and boards off. I grab the last of the bags and join the group in the lobby where Morgan greets Harry like his long lost son.

“The trials aren’t over just yet,” he cringes. “I don’t know why Paris keeps fucking with me but we’re booked tight for rooms.”

“What does that mean?” Harry asks.

“Uhm well,” Morgan clears his throat. “The hotel overbooked. We have 3 rooms between the 8 of us. Luckily I have a mate who lives in town so I’ll crash at his. The rest of you need to share.”

“Morgan you’re fucking with me,” someone groans.

“No I’m sorry. I booked 5 with an en-suite but they screwed up. They’re refunding us half—I fought for that at least. I can use that to put others in another hotel if you’d like but so far I’ve only managed one room with two doubles.”

“Claire and I can share,” Sarah says.

“Good, Mitch you good with the boys?”

“I’ve slept in worse places.”

“Uh y/n…would you like me to book you an extra room somewhere? I don’t want you to be far from the team-“

“She’ll stay with me.” Harry says. “I’m performing tonight and then we’re moving to Amsterdam tomorrow afternoon so…”

I squirm a little as all eyes fall to me. Cool. Casual. “Sure.”

“Sorted! Let’s get these bags up and out of the way. I’ll have a car waiting down here in a half hour so you can all freshen up and meet me again.”

We trudge along and get off on our respective floors.

“The truth is,” Harry says as we scan ourselves into our room. “I’m probably not even gonna use the bed for the night so it’s all yours.”

“Oh,” I look around the room. It’s got a french touch and a lush queen in the middle. I could deal with not having to share it. I’m sure my fiancé back home would be happier too. Even though I want to ask why I don’t. “Okay.”

We settle our things in silence and a part of me wants to break it and start talking about the ride and Paris but I’m still not over his earlier behaviour so I continue giving the bare minimum. He doesn’t seem to care.

We head off for tests and I end up falling asleep in one of the booths. The tiredness was really creeping up. I could sleep through all the noise the band was making.

A particularly loud screeching from feedback wakes me up. I look down to the group, everyone’s mostly broken up while tech crew tapes down some wires and connects equipment. Harry sits on the edge of the stage, swinging his feet and texting away at his phone. He’s different from the grump this morning. He’s lighter.

Charlie catches me looking and waves, I wave back. There’s a pit in my stomach that grows heavier as the day passes into night.

Paris is not the loudest but super engaged. Everyone has some reference to Harry adorned on their clothing or their face and I can tell Harry has a special connection to the group.

“And finally,” Harry says into the mic. “This is a special song for my French friends. Tonight has been a blessing and I want to merci beaucoup for showing up!”

The crowd cheers as the intro to his song comes on. I listen to the lyrics for the first time since hearing the song last year and connect the dots to what Sarah said earlier. Maybe this was the girl. Maybe this was why he wasn’t sleeping at the hotel tonight.

As we’re leaving the venue and I’m going through a mental list of everything we could have forgotten, we spot a familiar face around back.

“Riley?” Mitch spots him first. “Is that you mate?”

“Hey,” Riley like, Harry’s old assistant Riley is standing with a couple other people who are having a smoke. He squashes his and greets the band who apparently still feel fondly when it comes to him. He looks the exact same but my feelings towards him are curdled after knowing what he’s like and how he left us high and dry.

That leaves Harry and I still hovering by the entrance alone, staring at the reunion by the time Riley comes up to us. I guess the band knew his friends because they get to chatting. I remember then, Riley ditched Harry to work for one of his friends. Must be a small world.

“Why the long face you two, c’mon still not holding a grudge are we?”

“Riley,” Harry addresses him. I stay silent, watching Riley from where I stand behind Harry.

“Nice to see Y/N’s still sticking around. How are you liking tour life?”

“Did you come to the show?” I find my voice.

“Yeah,” he nods all friendly like this was casual and he’s done nothing wrong ever. “I might be biased because I worked for the guy but Harry Styles is one of my top artist. And I’m in Paris until the Fall so why not come support him.”

“Well,” Harry says in the same deadpan voice. ���Thanks for the support Riley.”

Riley glances over at him, smug. He knows he’s annoying Harry. So maybe I wasn’t the only one who got enjoyment out of doing that.

“Oh c’mon you’re still upset with me jumping ship? It’s been months! Y/N we’re cool right-“

Riley moves to walk past Harry and to me but Harry side-steps to stay in his way. I look at Harry. So does Riley, confusion sliding away to amusement.

“Oh I see,” he steps back, arms crossed. “Harry you sly dog you did it again.”

“We’re going now,” Harry says. “Try not to show up at any other shows.”

Harry tried to leave and I take the few steps to follow but Riley starts again.

“So y/n you fell for his trick too? I’m disappointed I thought you were immune.” Riley continues. “How’d he get you to the bedroom? Lots of booze? Or did you not even make it to the bedroom? Was it being treated like shit that did it for you?”

“What?” Now in the middle, I look between the two, wondering how this conversation took such a bizarre turn.

“You have some obsession with me Riley?” Harry steps back towards us. “Because you sure enjoy making up stories in your head with me starring in it. Don’t rope y/n into them either.”

“Not all stories,” Riley stays smug. “Some of them I’ve seen with my own eyes.”

They had to be talking about the last PA. The story Riley told me. Which means he thinks I…

“You really should watch what you talk about,” Harry reminds him.

Riley turns his attention to me, “Y/N I thought I warned you good enough. But I guess you put out as easily as the last one.”

“Riley whatever drama you’re trying to-“

“Mate,” Harry gets in Riley’s face so he can’t even look at me. I go quiet. “Get the fuck out of my sight before I get security to kick you out permanently.”

“Being the knight in shining armour doesn’t really suit you Haz,” Riley says. With one final judgemental look thrown my way he walks away. I have to lay a hand on Harry’s arm just to keep him from lunging at him but as soon as my hand makes contact he brushes me away.

This whole interaction was ego-bruising. “Why did he think-“

“Ignore him.” Harry cuts me off, his back still to me. His band, having watched the final scene unfold, now awkwardly shuffles back to us. “You okay?”

“Yeah but why-“

“Good.”

He cuts me off from asking anything and I don’t get to push because the group tries to defuse the situation by changing the subject. That includes the girls inviting me for drinks at their favourite parisian place. Harry disappears and so do those answers.

I try to poke whether the girls at dinner knew anything about his last PA but they barely met her. So I’m forced to eat oysters when they find out I’d never had them and the subject changes quickly to new and other things.

“So oysters thumbs up or down?” I’m asked as I slowly eat another.

“Weird texture…ehh?” I hover my thumb in the middle.

“Well too bad your partner—what’s his name again?” They ask. I tell her. “Ooh good name. Too bad Grayson isn’t here to cash in on all these oysters.”

They laugh and I think I’m not drunk enough to laugh as much with.

It’s the wee hours of the morning by the time we get back to the hotel. I crash alone as soon as my head hits the pillow.

***

After three weeks of tour I’m ecstatic to get back home. I wanted to sleep in the same bed for more than a day, I wanted a shower with even temperature, and I wanted a home-cooked meal.

And I wanted Gray.

I even catch an earlier flight—the night before rather than the next morning. I build up surprising Gray so much that I end up being the one who’s surprised when I come home to an empty flat.

I double check I’d set my phone back to the right time but it’s nearly 11. He must be out with friends, not a client.

I want to call him but still hold the idea of a surprise so I take a shower instead, put a load of laundry in, and make myself a sandwich. I crawl into bed at 1, still no Gray.

I end up tapping through our friends’ stories and find him in one. At least I knew where he was. But 2/3 photos I can find of him, Bex is standing too close for comfort.

I can tell by the photos there’s nothing going on. From his end. The most contact they have is his arm around her shoulder but for some reason all of this makes me mad. I’d broken it down to him that he couldn’t talk with people who had a thing for him because they would only give biased advice. But he didn’t listen. He said I was reading into it too much. And here she was, gazing up at him in every damn photo.

I hate that I wasn’t even home for a couple hours and already found something to annoy me.

I must have fallen asleep shortly after because I wake to poking on my side.

“Y/n? Is that really you? Y/n? Y/n?”

Gray.

“Hi,” I turn in bed. “I’m home early.”

“Shit!” He stands and sways back slightly. Wow, he was pissed. I hadn’t seen him this inebriated in a hot minute. “You didn’t say!”

“I know I-“

“I thought I imagined you.”

“Nope all here,” I grit my teeth. Why was I annoyed at my boyfriend for having a life, I scold myself.

Why is he so drunk and is this a new thing or did he only get this way cuz I’m not around?

“You finally came back to me,” he slurs. He smells like a brewery as he climbs into bed and I wish I could force a shower on him but I get swept up in his arms. “Hey you were right by the way.”

“About?”

“About.”

“Gray! What was I right about?”

“I’m getting to it! You. Were right. About Bex.”

“H-how do you know?” Weird coincidence. Or not?

“Sheshe she tried to kiss me!” He falls back laughing in bed. “I said nooo cuz I have a fiancée. Y/N. Oops. She was maaad.”

My heart drops. I knew it. That little bitch! And she had to go and try to kiss my man when he’s drunk! I officially didn’t like her. And the story itself adds to my irritation.

“Wow. Crazy. I’m tired as hell so I’m going to bed.”

I turn and leave my back to Gray. I didn’t want to see him this drunk, this chill about someone I warned him about trying to kiss him.

He splays on the bed where he is, draping an arm over me and pretty soon I hear his even breathing. That annoys me too, that he could fall asleep so quick. His arm is a weight over my body and I feel like I’m sinking into the bed and out of view.

***

It’s like Grayson and I have forgotten how to live with each other.

What starts out as minor annoyances turn into bickering pretty quickly. Our 1 bedroom flat begins to feel cramped and I desperately try to cling onto the idea of us because I can’t fathom us fizzling out like this but my fingernails are raw from scraping threads.

Work is the easiest it’s been in a while. With no set working hours I just spend a few hours everyday doing admin and running errands. Otherwise, unless somebody calls me I’m free.

I thought it would be great. So much free time with Gray, we could continue planning the wedding and catch up again. But he busies himself with work, and when we go on dates he doesn’t make much of an effort to talk. It’s like getting to know him all over again except he’s a broodier version of himself. It makes me mad and I end up picking fights.

I book brunch with some of the girls on the last Saturday I’m home, thinking it might help to have space from Gray and see other people. I thought everything would be fine. And it is, on a surface level—they treat me perfectly normal.

Except the only time they gave me space to talk about myself went something like this,

“So Y/N how are you? Busy touring how is that?”

“Oh yeah it was great! Really taxing but fulfilling too. I went to so many cities I haven’t visited even though I’ve been in London for like 7 years? Copenhagen was one of my fave-

“Ooh. Yeah I really want to visit Copenhagen this summer.”

“Oh I love Copenhagen…”

And I was officially asked out of sharing my own life. The rest of brunch was me reacting to everyone else’s stories and having the subject change quickly after I brought up anything about myself. When I mentioned Gray casually, I could feel the judgement. It’s like they were waiting on me to complain about him so they could pounce. It’s a weird and tiring energy.

As we all say our goodbyes I manage to catch Rebecca alone.

“Hey Bex,” I stop her on the edge of the group. “I know we haven’t talked much lately but I just want to say I don’t appreciate the moves you’re making on Gray.”

She raises a brow, “moves?”

“He told me you tried to kiss him. Those kinds of moves.”

Her face pinches. “Well someone has to make some.”

“Excuse me?” She tries to walk away but I rush to step in front of her.

“It’s no secret you and Gray are on the road to a breakup,” she has the audacity to look judgey in that moment and I want to slap the look off her face.

“What the fuck do you know about me and Gray? Back. Off.”

“Hey what’s going on?” One of our other friends drifts towards us and I notice they’re all looking our way.

“Just a friendly chat,” I say with sarcasm you can’t miss. At the same time Bex responds, “Y/n’s being delusional.”

I was going to get physical, I step back towards her but our friends get between us. I think they knew uni me, and knew I wasn’t afraid of confrontation.

“What the fuck y/n?” I was so tired of the look on their faces, like I was crazy.

“She tried to kiss Gray!” I reveal. “Last week! I’m just telling her to back off and I have every right to!”

It’s news to them. They turn to Bex who’s fidgeting with her sweater as a flush creeps up her neck.

“I-I he did! He tried to kiss me!”

I snort, “I don’t have time for your bullshit Rebecca. I’ve gotta go.”

“Oh yeah we all know you don’t have time y/n, you’re so busy these days.”

“Bex!” Someone scolds her.

“Somebody better teach her hand to keep her hand over her mouth because I will get through all of you if it means getting to her. You know you guys don’t know shit about my life. And you don’t even care to these days! Just because Gray told his sob side you guys treat me like-like shit!”

“That’s not true-“

“It is! You don’t even know my side! And I don’t care to explain because you lot are supposed to be our friends, not the judge and jury of my relationship.”

They stare blankly at me and nobody denies it so I continue: “I try so hard to stay involved in your lives knowing I can’t make it to half of our parties, I’m always messaging you guys and trying to stay on top of your socials to know what’s going on in your lives. I feel like I make all the effort and I’m just made the pariah.”

It feels good getting it off my chest. It feels amazing. I feel like I’m breathing an actual lungful of air now.

“We’re sorry if we made you feel that way.” I look at who’s said this. One of my oldest friends from uni. I scoff.

“You’re sorry if you made me feel that way?! I just said you did!”

“Sorry,” she says, quieter.

“Y’know it’s…it’s disappointing. I thought, when we became best friends first year of uni nothing could shake the bond we had. Apparently a man you met 3 years ago who vented to you about your best friend was just the thing.” All their faces are small and nobody makes eye contact with me. “Anyway, I do have to go. I have an appointment. Let’s not do this again.”

I walk away, proud of myself for saying what I had to and getting it off my chest. For sticking up for myself.

But the farther away I get, the more the adrenaline crashes through me and I end up walking onto the tube on shaky legs and collapsing in my seat. The reality of what’s happened falls into my lap and I see a bunch of burned bridges.

I spend a couple extra hours out after my appointment. I’m not going anywhere in particular, I let my feet carry me through the city as my mind continues to whir.

Harry texts me, asking me to stop by his place before I fly back for tour tomorrow evening. Apparently the concierge needed all his mail picked up and he needed a few of the items. It annoys me that he waited last minute to ask.

When I get home at 4, Gray’s vacuuming the flat. He stops it when I come in.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How was brunch?”

It’s the way he asks. I know he knows. Which means a group chat exists with our friends and him without me. It feels like another betrayal. Who keeps their partner out deliberately? Who opens up their relationship like a hockey net, open for anyone to take shots at?

“Why’re you asking?” I feel another fight coming.

“I can’t ask you how brunch went?”

“Did you hear something? Let me guess, did Bex snitch?”

“No, chill out why would Bex snitch?”

“Grayson,” I look at him deadpan. “Don’t bullshit me. If you have any respect for me, which I know now is not a lot, don’t bullshit me.”

He sighs but doesn’t say anything more. Doesn’t lie and doesn’t tell the truth.

“So?” I ask. “Is there like a group chat or something?”

“Let’s just drop it-“

“No! I’m not dropping this when you brought it up. So is there? Did you disrespect me in front of all our friends by talking shit, and then do it even more by allowing them to ice me out in a group chat you knew I wasn’t part of?”

He doesn’t respond. My temper flares.

“The hurtful part isn’t even not being part of the chat, it’s that you didn’t tell me.”

It makes sense now. I was always initiating birthday messages there or privately, thinking everyone was forgetting to wish each other. Now I know I was public fool number one keeping that convo alive when they were probably all wishing each other elsewhere. God. I was an idiot!

“Look I’m sorry y/n, after you stopped showing up to things they just made a new one so they don’t bother you.”

“Oh is that why? Because that was active up until a few months ago. So according to the timeline it was probably when you fucked up and talked shit about me to all our friends and they decided I was a bitch and they should all cancel me! Well I hope you’re happy Gray!”

“I’m not! I’m sorry I didn’t realize-“

“Stop!” I slam my hand into the wall and it hurts harder than I anticipated but I bite back the pain. “Just admit it! You want to paint me as the bad guy so fucking hard, and I am in some ways I know I’m far from perfect Gray! But instead of talking to me like normal fucking people do, you just iced me out and then isolated me from the only friends I’ve ever made in this stupid fucking city!”

I can’t help the tears now even though I don’t want to cry. I want to rage and scream and throw things about but the hurt is bigger and it bubbles over the pot and sears my heart.

I leave my shopping bags where I’ve dropped them and walk back out of the door before he can come up with a response. I couldn’t stand to look at his face. He’s betrayed me over and over and the whole time I was desperately trying to show him I hadn’t changed and I loved him.

I walk the 40 minute to Harry’s and the early evening air helps me learn how to breathe again. I take in gulps of it and try not to cry. I didn’t want to waste tears on Gray and my stupid friends. I didn’t want to do any of this! I just wanted to press pause on my whole damn life and take a nap.

Outside his building I pull out my phone and make sure I don’t look crazed. My hand is killing me and I ignore the bruising blooming fresh.

The concierge spots me just as I enter, and we make small talk about Harry on tour and his last few shows that would happen in London. I make a note to mention to Harry to send him tickets—apparently his niece listened to him.

He helps me load a cart with Harry’s mail and take it upstairs.

It had been over a month since I’d been in here and it’s weird that it feels comforting. Or maybe that was just after two weeks of feeling like a stranger at home.

Harry’s words on the plane echo back to me. Not that I was appreciated here either.

If there was ever a time to go back home to the States, it would be now. But that felt like running away. I had to sort my life out here before I made any rash decisions.

With a sigh I dump the paper onto the coffee table. After sorting what looked like bills from letters from miscellaneous I spot the two envelopes Harry wanted and put it to the side. I open the boxes next and locate his custom orthopaedic inserts he asked me to grab too.

I take the extra mail to my office to sort out. In the familiar closed quarters where I’d spent too much time in the last year rolling through a hundred phases, my feelings edge out of me. I try to wipe the tears and continue on but I end up pathetically sat over on the chair crying until I can barely breathe.

It’s pathetic because this is the first space I’ve felt I had the space to cry. And it was where I worked. Where, apparently, I wouldn’t even be missed.

New tears. Less breaths.

“Get it the fuck together,” I say between gasps. “That’s. Enough.”

Through my own self-talk I manage to calm down enough to finish the work. It’s half past 8 by the time I get back to the main living area. I get water to rehydrate myself and stay sitting on the couch staring into space for another ten minutes. I don’t think I had any more tears to cry. Just a rock in place of my heart and another bigger one attached to my ankle.

“Okay,” I finally get the courage to head home.

The end isn’t big and explosive. It’s a simple statement: I think we both know what needs to be done now.

I don’t fight him this time. I have no fight left in me. I just nod.

“I’ll sleep on the couch and still drop you off tomorrow,” he reassures me.

“Just sleep in bed,” I couldn’t even muster enough energy for expression. My flat tone is how I felt. “You don’t fit on the couch. And I’ll get myself to the airport.”

“No I’ll take you. I’ve already made the arrangements-“

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore Gray,” I say. He looks crestfallen and it irks me that he does. I didn’t want him to be sad, it was ridiculous but it was.

“Well I’ll take you anyway.” He says then turns back to the TV.

I wash the day off and make sure everything is packed for my early flight tomorrow. As I lay in bed alone I realize this might be the last time I ever sleep here. Like this. I would have to move all my shit out. Oh god, the wedding. I’d have to cancel my dress shopping dates and the cake testing, the invites we were still designing.

We’d only told our friends it was going to be a winter wedding, I’m glad we never gave them a date. Nobody had marked their calendars. Nothing about us would been permanent.

I look down at the simple ring on my hand. Everything but that.

I keep it on.

I’m still awake when Gray comes to bed but I pretend to sleep. My mind can’t stop making lists to answer: what now.

I’m in a fugue state all night and the only thing that clears the fog is the rays of sunshine peeking through the blinds in the morning. I hadn’t slept a wink.

Quiet, so I don’t wake Gray, I get up and dressed. I order a taxi and try not to linger on the hurt of doing this alone. Of Gray waking up to an empty bed.

The flight to Madrid is a couple hours and I miraculously nap through it. Everyone is happy to see me when I get back, especially when I present them with snacks they’d all said they missed from home while we were on tour. With them in hand, I’m an angel in their eyes.

I hand Harry his mail and he stops me. His eyes don’t stop examining my face.

“What happened to your hand?” He asks.

I’d picked up a bandaging kit and ice pack at the airport and with the help of Youtube, wrapped it up. It had started to bruise even worse but I couldn’t be arsed to deal with it even though it hurt. Nothing a few painkillers couldn’t fix.

“I accidentally got it caught in a door,” I lie easily. I had practiced. “It’s nothing.”

“Did you get it checked?”

“No.”

“Make sure you do, tonight’s show.”

“Sure. It’s really nothing though.”

“You sure?” He asks. His gaze is unnerving.

“Mhm,” I nod.

He’s silent, eyes scanning my face. Right as I decide I couldn’t take the scrutiny he asks, “Why were you crying last night?”

I stare, unsure what kind of trick he was playing.

“Sorry.” He laughs to himself. “I have one of those uh, motion sensor cameras in the entryway. I turn it on while I’m away so it sends like, automatic clips if there’s movement. I saw you come in and leave.”

“Oh.” Shit. Think fast. Think fast. “I uhm, got into it with some friends I had a meal with. Y’know…they were being a bit icy cuz of what they’ve heard. I’m over it though.”

“Yeah?” His eyes flicker down to my hand.

“Yeah.” I hold his green eyes for a moment, to reassure him I’m okay. I don’t know why he cares, maybe because I looked like a right mess last night as I left. How embarrassing. But I do my best acting job ever.

Satisfied, he lets me go. I return to the group asking for updates and any stories they wanted to share. Before long I’m laughing along and creeping out of my depressed mood. But something heavier still lingers.

***

TAGLIST: @boomitsallie1 @indierockgirrl @ndunad @jerseygirlinca @sunshinemoonsposts @ninasw0rld @love-letters-to-uranus @mayamonroem @sassamanda77

[soft-cristobalite]

Watched arcane season 2 act 1, thought abt it, so here are some of my thoughts in no particular order. Obvious spoilers.

Also, i watched in dub. Important to know when i am quoting charaters + when i am talking about their tone.

Starting of with something that is directly affected by dub — ukrainian Jayce is my Jayce. Ppl said he sounded condesending while talking to Ekko — not. at. alllll. true for my Jayce. My Jayce sounded tired, emotionaly burn out. "You drink tea, Ekko?" said with no though to it, in a context of continues talking of "Haha do i live here? Hahah....... Do you guys want tea? Want some tea? I'll make tea. Do you drink tea, Ekko?". But d-dub is supposed to stay true to the original— I DONT CAREEE. I love my blorbo almost-himbo Jayce, never changing his characterisation in my mind.

And i will hold Jayce's hand when i say this — you were. Just so gay for like... Essentialy going "Are you okay? Good, good" to lady Mel Medarda HERSELF and then seeing Victor and losing your mind. Sprinting with him in your hands to your lab. LIVING in your lab to monitor him. I just... I get it, you don't have many friends. But like...... Really dude. Reaally.

Give Mel and Ekko thirty minutes. I promise you they would work it out. Eternal piece would be achieved.

I know there are a lot of different opinions regarding Caitlyn. I will not be explaining in-depts what i think about her acr, because a) who cares and b) i like to see her go cray-cray. But like — why isnt anybody exept for Vi attempting to stop her??? Like why is Jayce mourning Victor's twink death instead of, yk, stopping his childhood-best-friend-kinda-younger-sister from killing ppl of Zaun, the last thing Victor wants btw? She and Vi are twenty-ish — WHYYYY are they going through it by themselves??? Why doesnt baby yoda guy with German name that i dont dare to write trying to stop the daughtrer of his ex-collegue? He is 600 or something, im sure he could've come up with advice.

Cait pointing her gun at a child is terrifying, it opens up the possibilities of her going even more blinded with anger, doing even more horrific things, and Vi is right to try and stop her. However... I know damn right i would've believe her when she said she will not miss 😭 Every single time she fired her gun she was very precise. Even in that scene she aimed at the gun the girl was holding like two seconds ago and got a perfect. fucking. score. Like i dont remember her missing at all, actually.

"Ohhhhh you're gonnnaaa haaaaaattteeee Maddie after act two—" says who? On that note, i hope both Cait AND Vi will sleep with a few random people. Good for them. Let them try to forget about each other only to realise just how down bad they are for one another. Let the scenes of Cait and Maddie hooking up intertwine with Vi's one night stand.

"Maddie is just gonna be a victim of comander Cait :(((" and i do not have any thing to say to that — we dont yet KNOW what will happen — but I dont think Cait will try to manipulate her into this. I think Maddie will flirt a bit, Cait will try and seek salvage and vulnerability in someone, especially since she is now constantly in public's eye and needs to project hope™ and stoicism™. It will be a genuine attempt to move on — not anybody's fault she can't.

But oh god, oh goooddd i cant wait for Maddie to loose the spark in her eyes due to lesbian situationship.

[cityofjieun]

★ . . . . jia in 5-star era

highlights !!

they won a moonman!!!

jieunnie was among the members that had a big shocked reaction.

she, beomgyu, and jeongin took a selfie together (ily 01z).

ji also met megan thee stallion at the award show??

she had gone to the bathroom with one of their staff during the show and ran into her in the bathroom

jia is a huge fan and had to take the opportunity to compliment her performance earlier in the night. the two had a cute little convo and exchanged instas and even took a selfie together. long story short, jia is the first person in skz to follow a non-member.

she didn't get to mention the interaction to any of the members because after she returned from the bathroom, they were announced and everything was kind of a blur after

but imagine everyone's surprise when jia is trending the next morning because meg had posted the selfie on her story and stays have noticed that they are also mutuals now

also she’s so blonde now y'all.

really one of her best colors

we got tiktoks with lsf yunjin, p1h keeho, shinee key, and tbz eric.

the pilot fanmeet.

jia x seungmin x hyunjin cafe hopping rachalog.

they hit up like 4 cafes and spent time eating and chatting at all of them.

hyune brought his sketchbook and minnie brought a book while jia was writing notes for one of their dance practices.

side note: these last couple comebacks jia has really taken to helping lino monitor dance practices and stuff of that nature.

she has gained a lot of confidence in herself as a dancer.

anyways, they took some time to just do their little things independently.

it was giving very much study with me video.

a gift for the stays in school for real.

she also got to guest host on inkigayo.

this is the second time she's guest hosted on a music show and she really needs a full-time slot, someone get on that.

jia’s favorite schedule this era by far was kstar next door

she is an avid watcher of the show and was really upset to not go on last time

10/10 era

mv styling !!

photocards !!

concept a vers, concept b vers and digipack vers.

lines !!

hall of fame 0:00 - 0:20 (original: seungmin) ★ i write my name into the stars right now on gaelleorie nal namgyeo nal jungshimeuro doraga sunlight 0:57 - 1:00 (original: han) ★ ibi tteok beoreojige mandeuneun gwanggyeong legendary 1:12 - 1:16 (original: felix) ★ shaking the industry quaking reality making it iconic 2:24 - 2:29 (original: bangchan) ★ hear the people call my name here i’m on the hall of fame

sclass 0:20 - 0:28 (original: hyunjin) ★ byeollan geottuseongi byeonhameopji beonhwahaneun geori 0:57 - 1:00 (original: seungmin) ★ luxurious like i’m an s-class best of the best on first class 2:47 - 2:48 (original: han) ★ nune ttineun tenshyeon 3:11 - 3:13 (original: felix) ★ bichi beonjyeo deouk binnaneun star

item 0:52 - 0:58 (original: han) ★kkeunimeopshi i make it mine, never die 1:05 - 1:08 (original: han) ★aitemppal? igeon naeppal purop jangchak gadeuk cha 1:46 - 1:50 (original: seungmin) ★ got the best of the best nothing much, i confess 2:22 - 2:28 (original: han) ★ i do things that nobody can do god blessed, i’m the one and only

superbowl 0:37 - 0:40 (original: felix) ★ fresh taste, fresh scent fresh shape, fresh everything 2:23 - 2:29 (original: han) ★ i’ll do it again, just the way you want it i’ll do it again for the days to come 2:33 - 2:35 (original: han) ★ yeah we bring the rain

topline 0:43 - 0:48 (original: seungmin) ★ drawing, i’m moulding, i’m rolling my waves yeah i’m counting wins on the grand line 1:01 - 1:03 (original: felix ) ★ cause we dont give a fuck 1:22 - 1:25 (original: felix) ★ BOM DIGI DIGI BOM BOM BOM BOM 2:13 - 2:18 (original: jeongin) ★ gijuneul olligo mollineun moduga brave but they can’t pass me i’m the red line

dlc 0:00 - 0:11 (original: changbin) ★ we’re only going to dance like crazy It’s just that, I like it la la la 0:54 - 0:56 (original: han) ★sunrise 1:26 - 1:29 (original: felix) ★ amudo moreuge 2:50 - 2:18 (original: jeongin) ★ got me feeling like lalalala got me feeling like lalalala

get lit 0:35 - 0:40 (original: jeongin) ★ geocham soreum dotge tto hal georago saenggiji ilgeori sandeomi oh yeah 1:37 - 1:42 (original: bangchan) ★ I don’t wanna do it, I don’t wanna do it geunyang da naeryeonoko manyang michin deushi nollae 1:56 - 2:00 (original: seungmin) ★ oneul urin bureujua eokkae pyeogo danyeo dangdanghi saramdeul apeseo chumsawido 2:27 - 2:28 (original: han) ★ let's go

collision 0:31 - 0:36 (original: bangchan) ★ romantic haetteon chueok hwesang sogak haneullo heuteojyeo beorin maeyeon gatta 1:04 - 1:14 (original: hyunjin) ★ uri dul bappi chungdo 1:11 - 2:18 (original: hyunjin) ★ yeah chungdol 2:01 - 2:07 (original: seungmin) ★ shigani jina urin mannaseo buseojideora geu heunjeogi on uju jeonchereul maemdoneun i bam

fnf 0:31 - 0:37 (original: jeongin) ★ nal dulleossan fauna and flora meonjiga dwaedo i really want you back 1:26 - 1:28 (original: leeknow) ★ yeah i’ll never be the same 2:09 - 2:17 (original: bangchan) ★ i’m catching up 2:45 - 2:50 (original: felix) ★ dallyeoga jjochaga bulganeunghaed oh

youtiful 2:13 - 2:18 (original: bangchan) ★ “I don’t know if I’m ready to show myself” you worry day and night 2:13 - 2:18 (original: seungmin) ★ cause when you give me a glance i am sure that i see the universe in your yeyes 2:13 - 2:18 (original: jeongin) ★ then that little star was surely going to become the biggest thing 2:13 - 2:18 (original: hyunjin) ★ you are a miracle, miracle you are youtifull

the sound 0:48 - 0:51 (original: jeongin) ★ ttarawara da ttarawara da 1:27 - 1:30 (original: hyunjin/jeongin) ★ oh nothing better yeah nothing matters 2:12 - 2:17 (original: bangchan) ★ deo keuge nopyeo volume up jogeum deo gwitgaeneun hamseongsoriga meolli peojyeo ganda

time out 1:09 - 1:18 (original: han) ★ so come on let’s go tteona da mirugo eodideun gaja yeogiseo meolliro run to (run to) run to (run to) 2:39 - 2:47 (original: bangchan) ★ so come on pack up piryohan geon teong bin meori sallangineun baram ttaragaja we run to (run to) run to (run to)

©︎ cityofjieun, all rights reserved. pls, do not copy or repost my work.

[tonydaddingham]

what the hell is going on in hell

this is essentially a braindump of ramble-y thoughts because the situation going on in hell is currently my new sub-fixation. a couple of things mentioned/shown in s2 would indicate the position that hell is currently in, and i dont think it's inaccurate to say that they appear somewhat stretched.

first up, we meet shax in ep1; she and crowley appear to have some kind of arrangement (ha) going in, where they are exchanging information - shax keeping crowley abreast of the goings on in hell, presumably so he can monitor his (and by extension - aziraphale's) safety being now an exiled retired demon... and crowley seems to be helping shax to assimilate to life topside, by means of teaching her behaviour that will mean she blends in more with humanity in her new role.

i did a post on bits of this scene, and on shax in general, that looked at how shax appears to be working somewhat with the favour of the higher-ups, possibly to the point of an unofficial informant, that would help her climb the career ladder. but i do wonder how far her allegiance lies, and actually how much she seems to know. in any case, a couple of things about this scene:

hell either doesn't know, or refuses to change, crowley's address for his post - they're still being sent to the flat in his name, and not his new abode, the bentley. furthermore, it's possibly even the case that hell hasn't even acknowledged that crowley has been replaced - they won't accept/recognise shax's signature.

however, shax appears to be very firmly in position as his replacement, and presumably has been for at least a little while. there's been a gap of 3/4 years between s1 and s2, so allowing for hell to be slow on the uptake in replacing crowley (as well as being initially shit-scared of him re: the holy water bath), plus shax is still learning things/remarking on how easy the job is, let's be really generous and say she's had the position, and the flat, for around six months. realistically though, estimating from her question about the boiler which, from crowley's tone, seems to be something that happens periodically, id say it's likely more around 1-3 months.

in any case, that's plenty of time for hell to update the records, right?*

same as crowley remarked in s1, it seems to be universally understood in hell that the ends justify the means; doesn't matter how things are done, just that they are. if shax echoes this sentiment, it supports that it must be true; hell doesn't give one shit about her interacting with crowley. this is supported by 1827; whether you look at it that crowley didn't secure elspeth's soul for hell through suicide, or that crowley was caught being good/nice in the general sense, either way it's strongly suggested that there is a consequence for him not doing the job. doesn't matter how it's done, only that it is.

ergo, hell doesn't care that shax is interacting with crowley, nor that she appears to be recruiting him as an intelligence source (despite his lackadaisical branding of 'traitor'), only that she does what she's ordered to. the issue is though, what are shax's orders at the moment? which leads me to the next one:

she lists three things, two of which don't appear to hold much importance to crowley, or at least he's not surprised by them. the first - he's still in hell's bad books: cool, not a surprise. the second, however, is the 'half rations' reveal. this brilliant post talks about this, because... well, what would demons feed on? or be interested in having, that holds any kind of importance to them? more on this later*. regardless though, crowley seems... to halfheartedly mull over the information? like its interesting, but not a major surprise? maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

the third thing though is the one that crowley perks up at: that something has happened in heaven. shax appears to admit that she doesn't know the details, and needs intelligence, which crowley brushes off. now, the thing that perplexes me is that - well, the conversation between michael and beelzebub hasn't happened yet, right?

could be that there has actually been a previous conversation between michael and beelzebub, where the news that gabriel has disappeared was revealed - and what we see above is a second conversation about the matter, now that it's gotten a little more urgent (hence the BOL threat)

or, that the two different scenes are out of chronological order... which honestly would be just plain weird.

the first option is possible, that beelzebub found out about gabriel from michael in a previous conversation (and told shax), and the one we see above is a follow-up.

but, in the crowley/shax conversation, shax doesn't actually seem to know that it's anything about gabriel, just that something's going on. so presumably, beelzebub doesn't know at that point either - not until the interaction above with michael. at which point, where did shax get her information from? how would shax have known shit was going on in heaven - even without the specifics - before it seems that even beelzebub knew? does shax have a different in-road with heaven?

(at which point, the only ones that appear to know about gabriel going missing, when it happens, is the metatron, michael, uriel, and saraqael - unless there's been a containment breach/someone else accessed the file? make of that what you will.)

*coming back to this point, on why hell hasn't gotten round to, or been bothered to, update the record that crowley is no longer an employee/in his flat, i think this is directly related simply to hell being short-staffed. i think it was mentioned in a BTS video somewhere, but the set design in hell purposefully included lots of files and folders to directly suggest that there is a huge backlog; whilst the higher-ups may be aware of shax replacing crowley, it doesn't appear to have reached the administrative offices:

as for why hell is short-staffed, ive toyed with it in previous posts/rbs but it would suggest that:

demons are disappearing - im thinking along the lines of the book of life, or just straight up being killed

demons are leaving - perhaps another mass rebellion?

demons aren't leaving but the numbers of the damned keep increasing - this, i think, is the most likely.

we don't know what the deal is with heaven, but presumably there is a separate facility for heavenly souls, and all we see in the show are the offices. in any case, it would kind of make sense that, if heaven is in fact taking its fair share of souls, even if lower-choir angels are attending to them... well, it's unlikely to extremely hands-on, is it; souls can be left to their eternal rest with minimal angelic involvement.

demons, however, are actively torturing their share of souls, such as is the purpose of hell, and this is definitely more hands-on; at which point, demons are going to be overworked/understaffed as the soul population increases. demons are only made from fallen angels, so the staffing situation is only going to get worse - hence why in s1, it was revealed not only that an estimate of 10 million demons exist, but that they would be pretty pissed about being told to go back to work. armageddon was meant to wipe out humans altogether (putting a stop to the ever increasing human population and therefore number of deaths), and bring about an eternal victory for one side or the other.

this, however, assumes that heaven is taking their fair share. i don't think it's necessarily the case that they're not (as i said, we haven't actually seen any areas where human souls exist in heaven - only the higher offices), but it's certainly possible that they're not, and they're all going to hell. at which point, why wouldn't heaven want more souls? isn't that ultimately the point of aziraphale and other earth-stationed angels? to bring about god's plan, but also sway humanity to the good? or is that the point - that human souls going to heaven or hell is inconsequential, and all that matters is the complete annihilation of one by the other?

1941 shows a bit more context for hell, in that we have what appears to be the main lobby, with multiple admissions demons (including shax and furfur) and there are chutes for transport into the lower floors/departments.

one thing i did notice as a small difference between 1941 and 2023, is the lights; this could be purely ambience/a single set design choice, but compare the scene where furfur has an audience with dagon, and the crowley/beelzebub chat - the lights in latter start flickering, like they are faulty or there is a power supply issue. this not appearing to happen in 1941 would suggest that the situation has gotten worse between these two points in time. it could just be for the ambience as i said, absolutely, but i think the line re: rations* could potentially be linked here.

another thing that interested me in 1941 is this:

pretty intriguing that the camera deliberately focuses on this, right? instead of continuing to track behind furfur? if it is Of Interest, what is the hourglass keeping time in, or counting down to? it could be the apocalypse, but if you consider the proportionality of sand in the top to the bottom, vs. the time that has passed since the Beginning vs. the next 78 years until armageddon, that seems... well, disproportionate? so could it be ticking down to something else, or does the hourglass time something, and it's just been recently flipped? at which point, why is it framed as so significant?

*returning to the "half-rations" point, there has to be due credit to this post by @that-ineffable-devil, it's such a good point; what do demons care about - is integral to their existence, and is essentially in short supply - that rationing would be necessary? crowley doesn't seem overly intrigued by the notion, but shax idly considers it important enough to share when prompted. op suggested that it's power; that there isn't enough (given that miracles appear to be drawn down from heaven/up from hell) to go around. op gave the great example of the ceiling leak in s1, but if the flickering lights, the broken lift mentioned by eric in ep5, and the excess backlog of filing in s2 is also anything to go by - yeah, these things could be solved with a demonic miracle or 'magical' intervention... so why aren't they?

gabriel cautions (putting it politely) aziraphale at some point around 1793 around using up 'frivolous miracles', which suggests that heaven was/is having a similar issue (or, alternatively, it was simply a power flex; to keep aziraphale in his place, so to speak). however, when we look at the archangels' reactions to the 25-lazarii miracle, their main concern understandably, given the plot, is what it signifies (ie. it's too coincidental to have occurred at the same time as gabriel going AWOL)... but not so much that there isn't enough power to allow a 25-lazarii miracle to go unchecked. instead, it seems like the sheer scale of it is just completely written off, that heaven doesn't actually care too much about how much power it seems to have partially drawn from heaven (ie. if it's a 50/50 split, 12.5 lz), and they seem to write it off like petty cash.

so tl;dr, hell might be having a power issue, but heaven doesn't appear to be sharing in it. i don't think it's anything to do with human souls fuelling miracles, because by the same logic (which i accept may be completely flawed. in fact id stake my life it is) the pool of power should be increasing, rather than decreasing - if more and more souls are being funnelled into hell and heaven respectively. so what if instead there's a leak somewhere - what if heaven is syphoning off power from hell? and when did the power leak start happening - was it to do with the failed apocalypse? is it actually nothing to do with heaven, but instead that because the soul population keeps going up and up, the power they actually have to contain and maintain them is stretched really thin? power can't be spared for lower-priority shit like filing and maintenance? why isn't heaven having the same issue? why is power seemingly finite, and where does it come from? does power actually come from god? or does it directly parallel to humanity's faith (and, presumably, the dwindling amount of it) in god? but heaven is closer to god, so they haven't yet been hit with the shortage?

this is still flummoxing me slightly - if there even is any answer to be had/if there's anything deeper to be read here - but the post is already long enough that it's probably best to leave it there... ideas very much welcome!!!✨

[shatterthefragments]

FUCK I AAID ID TRY TO TAKE MY BREAK TOMORROW EARLIER SO I COULD ATTEND A zoom COMMITTEE MEETINH 😭

I could use the extra money (especially with at least one more concert… at least one is potentially local and I can just drive there) but I also semi rely on that mid workday tumblr scrolling to get me through it rn. (Guess we’ll see if I can even leave when I want. It was an hour later than I wanted today)

Like the two girls who work sometimes together there. Like. It’s been at least a month or so now I think. Probably 3 months bc of the training benchmark thing that they had to do today instead of working. Straight up if I didn’t have a second person in I would’ve fully just broken down today. But uh. They still fully need to do a full day to shadow a clerk and then a full day where they’re supervised. I am not trained as a clerk. I am serving as their knowledge to do their jobs. I used to feel ambivalent towards my birth name but I hate it right now. The “xx” before I need to leave everything and go help them. Just fills me with dread.

And I’m okay with a bit of a language barrier -they can still communicate. But they shouldn’t necessarily need to ask me everything still. I am positive they can check a deck for a box labeled “waffles” without me needing to hold their hand through it. And they shouldn’t need me to Leave My Task to come help them ESPECIALLY when I’m with someone else (the customer complained about me :P and the store manager let me know after he left. Anyway if I have to do the “add it to the list of things to do for sure” that I’m writing in OT and that he said I should do it before I leave bc fuck even today I ended up staying late)

ALSO fuck customers who only want stuff fresh from this very day or fresh from the freezer and DONT PUT A SPECIAL ORDER IN and just request it whenever they come in. Every time. (Sometimes. The answer is no. I don’t have it cut up and available)

Would it help if I cried in front of you when I tell you that I don’t have any available right now?

Torn between catharsis and FUCK if I’m going to cry (at least mostly) because of work then I should at least be paid for it.

…I haven’t cried at (this) work since the last time I was yelled at by a coworker. (All previous times crying at this workplace were because she yelled at me) (I was almost crying. I almost went into the Cooler to have a cry)

Not to make light of it all but I’m like. One more bad Monday with those two away from a hospital stay. (I can’t bc the hospitals here are famously bad for mental health) (I have an appt and a meeting after next week’s Monday)

But like. Can’t sully any of my crafting and leather knives. (They’re very nice and I want to collect more - prettier too would be nice) but seeing the knives at work and knowing they’re freshly sharpened. It’s just. WILL YOU HEAR ME NOW?! I am screaming. I admitted OUT LOUD that I am struggling on Mondays right now. Can’t have any more wounds to heal. I have to keep my skin unbroken so I can get more tattoos. It’ll be so much harder to stop if I start. Bc the URGENCY in the urge is so fucking strong. It didn’t help when I did last but maybe it would now hit I can’t I can’t I can’t

And I’ll be really sad if what I suspect are a TON of new moles (…or maybe freckles??) are cancerous 1) I hate checking them I can’t remember and I don’t have the organization to photograph and monitor each one 2) I’d have to get the tattoos I booked somewhere else and I’m not sure if I’d go for my upper left arm or my upper front thigh area. (If you’re actually reading this I am taking input on this in case) 3) I don’t want cancer, and it would break my parents’ hearts 4) I don’t want to die (despite the Desperation telling me I do)

Im splintering. Im fragmented. And I KNOW that a large part of it is how tired and exhausted I’ve been. I AM going to bed relatively soon.

I want to get high and forget

Weed’s legal it’s probably fine

(Im still paranoid it’ll cause a psychotic break and I’m already so frequently disconnected dissociated and in such a state of unreality it’s terrifying to me. Because when they taught us about psychosis I related very heavily to a lot of it and I’m scared to admit it. I think I’m okay. It would’ve been a lot to be 15+ years deep so far and nobody noticing nobody being concerned I think I’m okay I just need to get back on the ocean. It will heal me.)

I want to not be in pain

I want to externalize some of it

I want SOME FUCKING HELP. (If I just ask I could. Allegedly. Get a referral and coverage for some therapy) but I’m okay I always am. I’ve survived 100% of my worst days and all that :P but uh. A clerk to help those two ACTUALLY FUCKING LEARN (as if they’d listen) would be Huge.

(But if I were to do edibles with a friend I trust her. I trust she’d know what to do.)

Fuck I don’t even feel like sadsturbating. I mean (I don’t like to use lube so) I already sorta went too long the other day(s) and bled a little so I shouldn’t anyway.

1000% down for someone to knead my ass until it bruises while we snuggle though.

…I just ran my retainer cleaner without my retainer inside of it… and then forgot to put it in. It’s in now. I flossed while it actually got cleaned. Which is good. But fuuuck.

“Diagnosed with a sinus infection” with Covid symptoms… I don’t want her to come back to work tomorrow (I would rather be down a person),,,

[taekooktimeline]

November 3, 2023 -

Jk goes live! I do think it’s plausible someone was in his apartment during his live, and off camera. I’ll break down why I believe that in this piece. But I do want to disclaim this as speculative, so I’ll leave timestamps and you can decide if someone is there and if so, who you think it is. 

Right at the start of his live, Jk abruptly glances off camera on his right. While I don’t hear any noises at this time, I found his abrupt glance interesting to note, since he was just facing the camera and telling listeners he’s back with his solo debut album “Golden.” Though there could be times he’s just instinctively glancing, or looking at the screen as he shares his tracks from “Golden,” it does seem like he periodically glances towards someone off camera throughout his live (or sometimes he glances at the monitor but then gazes at something / someone else). Some instances are noted below (not all encompassing): 

1:43

left and right at 2:15-2:17

2:55

3:20

4:49

Prolonged glance 6:03-6:08

7:49-7:51

9:41, it seems as if he glances as the monitor then slightly shifts his gaze to something else, before looking back at the monitor 

13:20-13:24

13:45-13:55, briefly at 13:59

39:30

You get the idea! And again, sometimes he may be looking at the monitor, but it does seem like at times he’s glancing at something or someone else. 

Timestamp 1:43, 2:55, 4:49 (side note - I want that earring😭)

Tae spams the chat!

Jk reads his fourth comment out loud and tells Tae and Jimin not to come, before he cracks up and smiles, saying he hasn’t cleaned his house.

Timestamp 44:58

He then tells them to come with a bright smile -

Timestamp 45:18

Snippet of the exchange - https://x.com/jeonmygoogie/status/1720452425994183160?s=46&t=StSwHjW0_Domk_lHUFMaCg 

During Jk’s live, Tae and Jimin go live for 7-8 seconds, outside Jk’s apartment. The translation:

🐥 dont do this aha

🐯 im going okay?

🐥 ah i said turn it off

🐯 we’re going okay??

CT: miiniyoongs

https://x.com/tishia_thv30/status/1720432709435273426?s=46&t=StSwHjW0_Domk_lHUFMaCg https://x.com/miiniyoongs/status/1720431172449173902?s=46&t=StSwHjW0_Domk_lHUFMaCg Raw - https://weverse.io/bts/live/0-129065538

There’s a distinct knocking sound that causes Jk to glance over, and then what sounds like footsteps at 49:18 as someone responds to the knock -

Timestamp 48:58

Jk wraps it up by laughing and saying he needs to go, as he doesn’t know what chaos Tae and Jimin will bring, that the two went out “right now” and drank.

Timestamp 50:18

A very random side note - I got this mug solely because Jk has it 😆

Theory as to some sounds heard as Jk went live (decide as you like) - https://x.com/loveis_taekook/status/1720679236565094892?s=46&t=StSwHjW0_Domk_lHUFMaCg 

Some have raised the speculation that Tae may have been present in Jk's apartment at the time Jimin knocked on the door. The assumption here is that Tae was the one who could be heard walking off-camera to answer the door. Throughout his livestream, Jk periodically glances in the direction of something or someone, and there is an audible sound of footsteps off-camera shortly after the knock. However, Jk informs his viewers that both Tae and Jimin were out having a drink. Given that BTS sometimes need to omit or modify information for privacy considerations, it remains unclear whether Tae briefly appeared on the livestream to greet Jimin, or if there's another explanation for the observed noises and glances in Jk's livestream. You are welcome to draw your own conclusions.

Raw - https://weverse.io/bts/live/0-128993548

[bludraws094]

ok so my pc is a fucking baby

and by that, i mean it cannot handle being shaken even slightly

i learned that when my uncle was setting it up, as i tripped over it on accident, causing it to enter what i like to call "i just shit my pants" mode

i like ultrakill

i am horrible at ultrakill

i am currently stuck on the second gabriel fight

i am making a little bit of progress, and have managed to somewhat reliably reach the second stage

however, my rage has been slowly increasing with each time he kills me

this eventually culminated in me smacking my desk

once

i smacked it one time

i did not smack it very hard

i only smacked it hard enough to cause a relatively loud noise

nothing fell

nothing broke

nothing should have happened as a result of it

my pc entered i just shit my pants mode

it was honestly kinda interesting, as my monitor lost signal from the pc, and the audio glitched the hell out before cutting out entirely

the fans were whirring as loud as they could

for some reason, it made the accessory connect sound at one point. i hadnt plugged anything in, i dont know why it did that

it would not exit i just shit my pants mode

i couldnt turn it off the correct way since 1. i was playing in fullscreen and 2. i couldnt fucking see what was going on

i had to manually restart it

thankfully, i only had discord and ultrakill open, so its not like i lost any unsaved shit

i will not forgive gabriel for his crimes, though

he must pay

i will make him enter i just shit my pants mode

[burntoutangel]

MECHANICAL SEX DRIVES

LEFT HAND AMMO AT 20% SHIELDS AT 10% ASSISTED AUGMENT SYSTEM RECOMMENDING IMMEDIATE RETURN TO BASE MISSION AT ACCEPTABLE LEVELS PILOT I AM BEGGING YOU TO TURN BAC-

Shut down the warning signs, disconnect the jack in your cranial nerves that lets the onboard AI inject suggestions tactics and orders from base command directly into you brain 

You dont need them now   

10-15 enemy units are closing in on your radar, 100 feet, 90 feet, tanks with jet engines jammed into them to allow increased maneuvers and speed. 500 feet shows an enemy mech, the one you’re chasing. So close now, just a little more

40 feet

20 feet

Enemy within range 

You slam yourself through the concrete walls of the civilian residence you hid behind, the trinkets and purchases of someones life atomized in a second, a careful move to throw off the lesser visibility of the tanks

The first two are crushed under a mix of rubble and reinforced steel beams, wires from the buildings power systems sparking and igniting fuel leaks. You’re already gone and grabbing tank 4 as a club, its rotors squealing in open air as you crush it on top of tank 5, crushing them underfoot for good measure, neural links sending the details of a fleshy squish under your metal boots

3 units that had the misfortune of jetting behind you are torched in your boosters, jets of black smoke from the meat inside being cooked within seconds, they weren’t expecting a mech of this class, metal boxes with guns strapped on top are barely above the lowest rank of the food chain of combat

You arent sure if you’re the apex of that system, but you’re damn close 

The radar blip of the other pilot starts moving and you kick the violence into overdrive to make sure you’re ready and unbothered for her arrival, tanks 6-9 shatter and melt under you remaining left weapon ammo, not worth the waste of time for a proper violent death

She’s so close now

A few of the remaining tanks and what looks like two support flyers have joined her, jetting along in her wake like parasite fish, using her cone of violence to protect them from you. Gnats. Annoying insects that get in the way

You can see her through the optical systems now. Shining armor muddied and covered in scrap and imbedded shells and oil. The jagged mark of you shoulder mounted rail guns shot accents the beauty of her machine, a hole bitten through her abdominal armor, dripping oil and coolant and countless other substances that come together to make the death-angel before you.

Your fluids will mix soon. One way or another.

“YOU PSYCHO WHORE YOU DENTED MY SHELL” comes through her mechs speakers in a flurry of anger. Right shoulder lancer raised, charging, adjust two notches down, FIRE. That takes care of her speakers. We don’t need voices right now. 

She cuts boosters and doesn’t even bother counter boosting, simply stopping her furious momentum by crushing another apartment block, hands dragging deep gauges in the remaining landscape 

The remaining tanks are hit by your last 6 railgun shots, smoking craters burned into the ground as the flyers pepper small arms along your visors, blinding flashes as 7.62 shots ring against the sensors and antenna.

Out of nowhere her hand swats one out of the air, surprising even you Into stopping for a moment. Flyer 1 clips 2 as it sails through the sky, propelled by metal claws larger than its entire frame. Both create a cascade of sparks and light as missiles flares and fuel ignite midair. An incoming message from the last enemy in front of you flashes on your side monitor.

“FINE, WE’LL DO THIS THE HARD WAY”. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her heat knife eats through the plating of your left shoulder, jutting close to the collarbone before the blade snaps in your armor and imbeds itself to you. The pain is unimaginable, burning through the pilots nervous system as it screams loud enough to crack its own jaw slightly. The retaliation is immediate, a final spare railgun round rammed through your enemies leg, blowing her mechanical kneecap out, the arching head of her mech mimicking the agony her flesh-body is probably going through, metal jaw ripping open and spiked forehead crashing into your own as the final bit of shielding for both your bodies gives way with an ear popping CRACK and a smell of ozone and desperation. A fist that costs as much or more as this entire city unit crashes into your stomach, flesh body vomiting up a mix of pre mission meds and nutrient slurry as your nervous system tries to understand feeling pain without apparent source 

Your left leg boosts itself up at uncanny speeds, remaining boosters jetting it into her center mass, where a solar plexus would be if we were flesh and blood, her visor is cracking and you can feel the anger radiating off her core. Either that or a power system on the verge of collapse. Same difference. At the same time warning signs flash across your eyes, power running low, generator damage at near critical levels, heat rising to unacceptable perimeters, pilot neural-link and information stress at 88% and rising

Both of your bodies collapse, her failing knee dragging her down as metal screams under stress, her hands clawing you down with her, falling flat on your back, adjustment boosters spluttering as they fail to adjust the sudden horizontal nature of your body. Command is screaming at you over whats left of the comm system, and from the shivers of her body she’s hearing the same message, something about “reactor meltdowns taking out an entire populated area” and “blatant waste of company resources”.  The wires remaining in your brain make a pop as you rip them from sore and bleeding ports, last message being broadcast on a private mech to mech channel

“See you back at base baby, thanks for the good time <3”

[wdxghosty]

Chapter 1 - Resurrection

Haiii! It's me again bringing you more fics, this is chapter 1 of Ophelia's backstory.

TW!!!- Mid writing

It’s 3:45 am, and I’m in a dark room illuminated by fluorescent light, from screens surrounding my bed. I linked up to all these tubes, I’m constantly getting shots, my mind has been infiltrated by that wretched beating sound coming from the heart monitor. I dont know how I got here, I remember being at the beach with my friends, we got on a boat with a bunch of guys we didn’t know, I think we got drunk. And after that, all I can remember is a splashing sound and I stopped breathing…

did I mention I can’t swim?

- - - - - - - - - - - -- -- --- ---- ----- -------- ----- ---- ------ ---- -----

I grew up with three older brothers they all had their own interests but one of them went through a ninja/samurai phase, and I watched all those shows with him, Ninjago, Randy Cunningham, and Power Rangers Samurai, but my favorite was the one about the turtles.

They had a very passionate fanbase one i was a part of, I made so much fan art, and OCs hell one of my OCs was an obvious self-insert. Well she didn’t really look like me, she was tall, thin, pretty, the most confident person you’d ever meet, she would always be that one person people would go to if they had a problem, she was adored by everyone and hated by those envious of her. Nothing like me at all, I dont stand out in a crowd, I try my best to blend into the background I want to be almost invisible. Hell, she basically is an OC because she’s not one bit like me, comparing the two of us is an insult to her perfect being.

I made her so I could draw fanart of her and Donnie. Stupid right? I would draw the two of them in situations I imagine the two of us in. We’d go shopping together, and I’d give him the montage he deserved in the clothes dont make the turtle, in rise. I’d always be by his side willingly, helping him with anything he needed, in 2012. In the bay-movies, I thought I'd be the owner of his favorite cafe, and I'd always stay in late to make him whatever pastry I thought he’d want that day, and a coffee. When I got the finished product I was so happy sure I couldn’t let anyone see it out of embarrassment, but I was so proud of them.

Hmm… the beating is starting to slow down, and I hear a bunch of people running into the room, I think I’m gonna die. This reminds me of a short comic I made, Ophelia was assassinated by whatever villain and Donnie completely lost it. I wonder if he’d lose it if he knew I was seconds away from dea- everyone stopped talking and an irritating ringing sound replaced the beating.

“Ladies and gentlemen we are now landing in Manhattan New York, please get your bags from the overhead compartments, collect all your things, and thank you for flying with us.”

I rub my eyes open and get up from my seat. “I just had the weirdest dream ever. I was some random girl and I drowned to death, I think?” I take the two suitcases from the overhead compartment, and hand Nasir his.

“You have dreams of drowning all the time, yet you still go to the beach and crash into waves ten thousand feet taller than you. At this point, you’re seeing the future.” Nasir is one of my best friends, and also one of the most useful people I know. If you have a problem with somebody, just tell him and he’ll dig up some shit that’ll ruin their life.

“Oh my god, are you saying I’m psychic!?”

“No I’m saying you’re stupid, Stop standing there and move so we can get off this plane.”

Scoff, “Whatever, I can tell the future.”

“Your delusions cloud the part of you that's actually worth having, common we have to go before the Uber leaves us.”

Oh, I don’t think I properly introduced myself. My name is Ophelia Mafuta Chenett, you might ask “Why did you tell us your full name?” and my answer to that is, that's what the villaness does in every manhwa when they introduce themselves so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m a soon-to-be freshman at Manhattan Institution of the Arts, (It’s not a real school) After passing the entrance exam I moved across the country to pursue my passion of becoming a fashion designer. Sounds stupid right? Doesn’t it sound like I'm some quirky girl from a 2010’s show? Well, I’m kinda going for that, as the main character of this world I have to keep up my spirits and believe that I can do whatever I want and even live in one of the most expensive cities in this godforsaken country. Oh, I’m also 17 years old, and my birthday is coming up soon so I'm basically 18, other facts about me, I'm from southern California, I have three older siblings, I’m 5’9 but basically 6’2 when I put my shoes on, into alt fashion, and I’m really big on video games especially when they’re story driven. Well, I think that’s it, you guys can just follow along on my journey to become… well, ME, aka perfection. XOXO byyyy!

“Please dont tell me you’re talking to your fictional 1audience again.” Nas slumped into his seat side eyeing you.

“They’re very much real I’ll have you know” She rolls her eyes at him and puts on her headphones.

“Drug addicts are probably so jealous of you, you dont need pills to get high off your ass, you were just born like that. You’re most definitely a crack baby.”

The two of them expected to get to their destinations rather quickly but, the traffic was honestly something that crawled out of the ninth ring of hell. Nasir got accepted into Princeton so he was especially irritated by the traffic. And Ophie got to campus two hours late but still managed to register and get settled in her dorm.

“Well it’s nice to know that all my stuff got here without issue.” then her phone started ringing, she got off her bed to check who called and her heart dropped. “Telli! Please dont tell me you left early, I'll hate it if you left early!”

“Nice to talk to you too Ophe, and no. I’m still in the lair because your plan landed hours ago and you haven't texted called or posted about it, so I knew after you got M.I.A. you’d unpack, and then pass out. We’re meeting tomorrow,”

“Oh… well that's embarrassing. It’s nice to talk to you again Telli, I've been so busy lately I forgot when we spoke last.” She flops onto the bed and gets under her pillows.

“Yesterday, at 5:45 am before when you were getting ready for your flight at 10”

“I’ll have you know I'm African, we usually leave ten hours before a flight, my mom was rushing me out of the house. And I find it shocking someone who’s never left the CITY is talking shit about me.”

“I've been to Tahiti before, what other countries have you been to?” she can feel the sassiness of his bum-ass eyebrows through the screen.

“OH let me correct myself. I CAN’T believe that someone who has never been to an airport IN HIS LIFE is talking about me.” She can hear him laughing his ass off through the phone, “So I think I win”

“No, I’m letting you off the hook. See you tomorrow Ophe.”

“By Tell, kiss kiss.”

She hung up the phone and rolled on her back staring at the ceiling. “Hmm… I’m an adult now. No more mom, no more siblings, just me. AAAH!” She screamed in join and kicked her feet. She hopped off her bed and dug through her bag to find her laptop, camera, and ring light. After clicking record she gets in position. “Ehem. You hear that watchers I’m a grown-ass woman now! and you hoes better prepare for Escapism season 8, watch me as I live out my college dreams! This is gonna be amazing, you know looking past all the exams and homework. Yeah, I know now I’m not special, I'm surrounded by other talented people. But I’m the MC, I’m better than them by default, and I’m special in general, all those current fashion designers that slap a print of a t-shirt and call it a day won't survive here. I have to watch out for the people who actually make their garments, but being able to sew doesn’t mean they’re a good designer and I’m BOTH. Everyone else on my wave length will become an ally or an enemy, but I crush all those who oppose me under the heel of my platform red bottoms rest assured. Well, that’s all for now bitches, see ya!”

She turns off her camera and gets back on her feet, “Well, I guess I'm done for today. I have three more days before orientation, and I don’t have my roommate yet. So I guess I should decorate my half of the room.” she turns her head and sees all the boxes stacked on top of one another.

“Or I could take a bath. She grabs her towel and opens the bathroom door, so she can bathe in boiling hot water while listening to Nightcore on repeat.

After her bath, Ophelia lays in bed scrolling through Tumblr when she starts to think of that dream she had on the plane. “That girl. What was her name?” she thinks to herself. Ophei tries to recall all she can about her, “She was on the bigger side. Short hair. I only ever saw her in muddy browns and greens.” she eventually drifts off to sleep, just to wake up again.”

- - - - - - - - - - - -- -- --- ---- ----- -------- ----- ---- ------ ---- -----

“Sweetheart wake up.” She feels someone nudge her awake, “Hun you’ve been sleeping the whole class period.”

“Oh sorry Ms. Mayflower.” She scatters to put her stuff away and tries to leave the classroom before Ms. Mayflower stops her.

“Bear, sweetheart can we talk?” She pulls out the chair on the other side of her desk, and Bear sits down in it. “You’re failing this class, and I've talked to your other teachers and you’re not doing too well in their classes either. Is everything okay at home, did something happen with Mom and Dad?”

“NO. I um… I'm just not good at school, it’s just not for me.” Bear looks down at her lap fiddling with her fingers.

“Hun, you’re only passing art, but that’s an AP class we’ll have to pull you out if you keep this up.”

“But, math and science are hard. And I always try during PE I just never pass, and Mr. Brown SUCKS. A simile and a metaphor are basically the same thing, and nothing makes sense. And I like history but I never pass the test despite the fact I always get good scores on classwork.”

“Hun I’m sorry but me, including the rest of your teachers, have talked about it.” Tears start to swell up in Bear's eyes, as she stands up. “I’m sorry”

“It’s okay, you’re fine.” she leaves the room tears threatening to fall down her face, when she accidentally bumps into a small girl.

“What the hell is yours!- oh Beary, I haven't seen you all day. You look…cute.” she stares up and down Bear, and she decides to wear the sweet Lolita dress her dad got her today. She got self-conscious and covered it with a jacket but she left it in Ms. Mayflower's room.

“Oh thank you, my dad got it for my birthday.” she uses her arms to try and cover her body.

“Yeah, you look like a baby doll,” One of the other girls said. “You know the things babies throw up on?”

“Aww look at her skirt it has plushies on it. do you sleep with them?”

“No” she whispers

“What was that?”

“No, i dont sleep with them.” she raised her voice

“Oh, well I thought you still slept with plushies, considering no one’s ever sleeping with you.” the girls start laughing and bear laughs with them trying to play it off.

“What are you talking about she's sleeping with the bears on her skirt, dont diss her man!”

The girls continue to make jabs at her dress nitpicking every single part of it to oblivion

“Haha you’re so funny Bailey, but I need to go now.” She tries to leave before the girls see her crying, but she’s stopped.

“Noo, where are you going we’re having so much fun eat lunch with us.”

Isn’t it shocking how much girls preach about sisterhood yet be so cruel to their fellow “sisters”? They’re pestering her trying to get on her nerves, she just wants to leave and they won't let her. Tall and big vs short and thin if they were guys then this would be clear cut, but for women with’s a lot more complicated. One of the girls, the smallest one grabs her arm and tries pulling her.

“Common eat with us bear we know you can eat a lot. Oh! I didn’t mean it like that.” all the girls laugh with her, and Bear starts crying.

“Oh my god bear! Why are you crying?”

“If you keep wailing like that then someone’s gonna call Peta” at that moment she pushes one of the girls to the side but she falls on her ass and started crying. And at this moment the bell rings, and everyone flods into the hall they’re currently in.

“Oh my god! The bear threw Bailey!”

“She’s gone feral!” everyone started staring at her, and some people started recording. Then someone started barking at her, and a bunch of people joined in. so she just ran away. She hid in the girl's bathroom where she cried until the security guards forced her to go to class.

- - - - - - - - - - - -- -- --- ---- ----- -------- ----- ---- ------ ---- -----

Then Ophie woke up with someone patting her back and tears trickling off her face.

...

That's it. Hope you all liked chapter 1 XOXO luv ya<3

[luxxtuxx]

The Punk Prince And His Pink Princess P3

GO AHEAD TELL ME THIS ISNT PERFECT FOR THIS PLOTT!!!!!!!1111!!1!111!! Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 4 CW: HOBIES A SIMP!! A bit of angst, i have been too nice to yall. If yall ask nicely ill give you a happy ending TW: Making fun of medical equipment -------------------

Thanks to hobies help after a few days, Y/N was back to normal. She showed up her eyes as yellow as ever and back to her happy self. Hobie couldn't help but watch her with a smile almost hidden smile, he was a punk! he couldn't be love-struck by some stupid cute... (NO NOT CUTE WHAT ARE YOU THINKING.) nerd that happily skips around. He was so thankful for his mask so then she couldn't see his stupid love-sick smile She seemed to be looking for something, might as well be helpful to find whatever might be missing. "Looking for something?" he asked leaning down over her. She didn't seem to notice him walking over, a let a scared yelp. She took a breath her eyes fading into a candyfloss pink then nods "yea, I was looking for you!" she said softly in such a sweet alluring amaz- (Hobie! focus! stop it!). "Oh, well here I am what's up? Am I getting a gift or something?" he jokes, pausing his laughter when he sees her shyly nod. God, he is so lucky she couldn't see his face, he was smiling like a dumbass and his cheeks were bright pink.

She reached into her side-clasp purse and pulled out a neat black and red bag, with neatly stacked cookies inside. He felt his heartbeat quicken, they are just some stupid ass cookies why was he feeling this way. (God fuck no, Really heart?! you chose her to be in love with!? FUCK YOU HEART) (Dont cuss me out Blame the brain! He is the one releasing dopamine and serotonin every time we see her!)

Hobie let out a tsk and kinda snatched the cookies "Thanks I guess" he looks away trying to save face. then a little light caught his eye and implant on the outside of her arm... it had a sticker on it. Pink of course, because it's her favorite to dress in. He scoffs "So you let the government fool you into getting a tracker implant? What are you fucking dumb?" it was supposed to be a simple light-hearted joke, he wasn't sure why she used her hand to cover the blinking thing, and ran away crying. The entire squad stared at Hobie like he had 8 heads. "Dude, Not cool," Pavitr says and walks off. Pavitr wasn't easy to anger or upset. Hobie paused "Gwendy, What did I do wrong? I was trying to make a joke about the blinky thingy on her arm" Gwen sighs "Y/n is hypoglycemic, you know that, that's the one thing on her body that no one had ever made fun of her for. it was her Dexcom" Hobie looked confused not knowing what that meant. Gwen sighs "Her glucose monitor so she could know when her glucose was getting low so she didn't pass out on a mission. Dude, every one of us except her can see that you like her, but what you just did was low. Im only telling you this next bit because I believe in second chances, She has a hiding spot in the ceiling on the west wing north hall."

Hobie paused. He fucked up and bad, he needed to fix this, but how?! he knew where she was but getting her to forgive him was probably gonna be the issue

[karenchasity]

SOTBAW questions cause they make me ill:

Out of the lords, who’s the most physically affectionate???

what are the lords’ favorite thing to do with kai??

Wiggly’s first reaction upon seeing kai?

POKEY’S first reaction upon seeing kai?

fuck it can you just do 3-4 for the rest of the lords i feel like getting sick

ARE UNCLE BILL AND AUNTIE CHARLOTTE CANNON??? Please say yes…

do the lords celebrate Kai’s birthday?

did Kai keep anything from the black and white?

does Kai know Webby? Auntie Webby?

do Paul and Emma ever find out abt Kai’s past w/ the lords

besties w/ max????

Kai’s fav thing to do with the lords?

is the hair natural or is dyed like in cannon? If so where tf did she get that dye

how tf did the lords survive raising an infant

Does kai ever become a singer like in cannon?? Or at the very least does she sing for recreational purposes

weird question but I’m kinda interested: is Kai’s gender/sexuality same as cannon? Or have the different experiences shaped her attraction differently? Or does she not know what gay people are? Does she know that gay people exist raspy

favorite thing to do w Paul or Emma or both?

Can the Gary ending be cannon pls pls or the one where they all live together pls it’s so sillayyyy

does Kai have sick ass black and white powers™️⁉️

Kai’s favorite memory with the lords/lords favorite memory with kai?

thank you baby for making this fic series off that goofy au i made I am violently ill about it

jfc thats a lot of questions. ok here goes.

1- probably wiggly or tinky. fucking ticklers. wiggly's also one to fall asleep with kai a lot

2- overall i think they just like to teach her things. nibbly likes to teach her about food, pokey has his music, blinky has his.. well. he's blinky. he knows everything. he teaches her the fun parts of life. tinky takes on teaching her about life itself, how to sustain it and how to keep time/do things quickly, and wiggly handles just about everything boring. tinky also likes to play tag with her (he loses on purpose)

3- which time? the first? awe. shortly followed by adoration. the second? fear, mostly. fear that she'll bring him to his knees when hes so, so close to taking what he wants. once he knows she can't (or won't) it's replaced by anger.

4- pokey's honestly kind of apathetic to kai when he first sees her. its a human baby. it cries. why would he get excited about that? the second time, he's angry. of course he is. but he's also terrified. terrified she wont come home, terrified shes hurting, terrified of.. he's not sure what, exactly. (he finds out, when kai starts to scream.)

5- both times nibbly is overjoyed. he quite likes human children, he always has, so he took to little kai easily. the second time, he knows she won't come home to him. he can smell it- feel it- on her. but he saw her again, eyes bright and cheeks flushed, grinning. that was enough for him. even if it destroyed him a little, on the inside.

6- blinky's forced himself to be apathetic both times. it hurts more the second time, but he has a job to do and he can't do it if he's caught up in emotions. no, ignore the fact that he's the most hurt by the lose of her. he mostly pretends its not her, when he has to face her.

7- tinky, arguably, is the hardest to explain. he was.. violently excited, when he first saw baby kai. at first, he was going to treat her how he treated any other human. cruelly. we all know thats not how it worked out. well, not until he saw her again, after it all.

8- sure. i dont see why they wouldn't be. kai still goes to watcherworld with bill and alice, after all.

9- i dont think they understand birthdays. they have parties year-round with her

10- she carries one of blinky's monitors with her. it's small- barely big enough to be a necklace pendant- and long-broken, but its something. she also has a small stuffed rabbit she kept, a gift from pokey.

11- maybe. maybe not.

12- not fully. they know something about her early life is weird, but she doesn't want them to stop loving her, so she keeps quiet about it.

13- absolutely. max and kai are a constant, aren't they? well, until npmd, anyway.

14- she always liked exploring with them. they didn't get to go far, but they went where they could. (where she could. some parts of the black are.. less than friendly, to humans.)

15- probably natural, a side effect of the black. if not, pokey got the dye for her. anything for his little actress.

16- no idea. im not sure they actually did lol

17- she sings for fun! but with the amount of.. stress she's put under, she doesn't have time to do more with it. maybe post-canon, if she makes it there

18- emma has to teach her about gay people. its the worst "talk" she could've imagined giving a child. kai was raised by five ungendered, entirely unlabled things. she has no concept of gender or sexuality, just her own feelings. the feelings are mostly the same as kai cannon, though i imagine she's straight up sex repulsed. can barely joke about it. it's almost body horror-esk for her.

19- she likes to take walks with them and listen to them talk. or watch movies with them. she really likes watching movies they like with them

20- we'll see. the ending is fuzzy for me right now. i have five options though, titled bad, good, love, loss, and awh fuck. "love" is the split custody ending. "awh fuck" is technically the worst, then "loss", "bad", "good" and "love".

21- is she kai drew without some sick ass powers. of course she has sick ass black & white powers

this ones getting split again ;-;

22- kai's favorite memory is the first time they took her out of the black. she was eight, they took her to watcherworld. she fell asleep on tinky before they could make it out of the park.

23- wiggly's favorite memory of kai is clique. the first time she chose him. called for him. not any of the others. she was four, and had fallen. he fixed the scrape, of course, but it was more than that to him.

24- pokeys favorite memory is dancing with her when she was 12. she wrote the song they danced to. it's his favorite, still.

25- nibbly's is the first picnic they took. it was simple, but kai was so.. excited, would be the best word, but it was stronger than that. she was six, and she picked flowers for each of her papas.

26- blinky's is more a collection of memories. if he had to pick, it was the last dinner they had together. pokey put on a show for them, brought kai on stage and made her his princess. their princess. she left about 36 hours later.

27- tinky's is the same as kais. it was the first time she fell asleep on him. he bit pokey to keep her in his arms until she woke up.

im glad you approve of my bullshit :3 hope these suffice !!

[sly-fox]

This is honestly going to suck but-

Okay, I don’t see enough people talking about this so- here we are. This will contain spoilers for the analog horror series, Guilty Tears Au of Sanders Sides. If you haven’t seen it or if any of the following triggers you, please skip: (I am listing the triggers from all the episodes just in case you want to watch it as well so some won’t make sense on a tumblr post, but just in case-) Disturbing Imagery, Loud Sounds, Body Horror, Blood, Gore, Death, Violence, Food (more like implied cannibalism, but ok-), Flashing Lights, Spiders, Ladybugs.

Now if any of that bugs you, I would say that this isn’t for you. This is just my personal opinion and analysis on this series! So let’s get started:

Episode 1: Teachers PowerPoint

So, we’re starting off with a very simple format; a PowerPoint presentation called “Dreams, a Manageable Analysis by Logan Sanders”.

Like omg Logan is so cute in this 🥺. He keeps talking about sleep and the benefits and downsides of it. But something is… off about it. The monitor keeps glitching out and skipping parts of the presentation. It skipped over the definition of Non-REM sleep, and it just is a bit strange. Then this happens:

And then it gets closer T-T. I kinda jumped when I saw it ngl- Then he gives us the definition of a nightmare. It kinda was normal at first but then-

Like wth-? This was honestly just weird to me me, cause he looked like a fucking demon- this isn’t even the weirdest part (and therefore not the most interesting).

Now, the first one is obviously a reference to everything going on with the wedding arc and… other things. Missing Important Events? The callback. Loneliness. More so up to interpretation, or is it? I’ll come back to it later. Rejection? Again, back to it later. Confusing Emotions? All that Thomas has been dealing with for a WHILE. Broken promises, WTIT, anyone?

The second photo:

Morse Code Translated (not by me): WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME? AM I A JOKE TO YOU? I TRY SO HARD TO BE PATIENT AND GIVE  YOU TIME, BUT YOU CHOSE TO MAKE A STUPID PROMISE INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING

Wow.. well what I say about this, is that Logan is snapping at Thomas again, cause as we have seen, he tends to distract himself rather than actually solving his problems. Logan is trying to communicate with Thomas again and he. Won’t. Listen.

After that we got a number sequence:

19/20/15/16/9/7/14/15/18/9/14/7/18/5

If you line it up with the letters in the alphabet, you get “Stop Ignoring Re”. I thought I heard it wrong but I didn’t-. So there had to be a reason for it to say “Re” instead of “Me”, right? Right. I’ll be tying it together, I swear. Just bear with me here. I also find it interesting that a YELLOW GLOVED HAND turned off the monitor and put an out of order note on the screen (I mean it was pretty glitchy so I mean-).

(Also there is a sticky note on the bottom left corner that reads “DONT LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN” keep that in the back of your mind c:)

Episode 2: Forgotten Fairytale

So it starts with Janus opening a story book titled “The Young Prince”.

This is interesting- I see a little crown charm on the bookmark- Erin focus- okay so the cover already grabbed my attention. At first cause I thought of beauty and the beast and

H O L Y S H I T the parallels. We have a mirror with a green gem on the handle (I don’t think it’s important but I could be mistaken-). In it, a black wilting rose. Black roses itself mean death, while the wilting flower by itself means “Term used to supress desire when it would otherwise be impossible to fornicate.” Roman wanted to go to the callback (and ask out Nico), but it seemed just out of reach, so he ended up with choosing an option that goes against himself (Virgil helped him with Nico but still-).

To the actual story, it talks about how lonely Roman feels (Loneliness huh?) and that he wants to meet his true love. He searches and searches but can’t find them. One night, a witch pays a visit. He says that he wants to make a deal: he will give Roman his “one true love” in exchange for half of his kingdom. Roman didn’t want to risk it, and told him no.. the witch did not like that.

He cursed Roman, and his face had melted off. Overwhelmed by heartbreak, he locked himself in his tower. The people eventually forgot about him and he died alone, holding the wilted black rose..

And then Janus literally closes the book on that tale-. So Roman’s I feel is more metaphorical, he feels like his world is falling apart, trying to use love to distract him from the pain of his decision to go to the wedding, and the moment he was attacked, no one helped him.. (Janus I love you but you’re a bitch-)

Episode 3: Cookie Mistake

(Yes I’m sure it’s a pun off of Rookie Mistake, it’s Patton what did you expect?)

So this an actual person acting out Patton this time.

The puns 😭. But yeah, it’s a simple baking tutorial! And it’s a mime kinda thing, so we have dialogue on the screen. It seemed normal, but this is Guilty Tears.

He dumped the flour into the bowl and made a little bit of a mess- it’s baking what are you going to do about it? But Patton started shaking slightly saying “That wasn’t supposed to happen…” It’s okay I know you said you were feeling “crumby” but damn- it’s just flour.

Ok then, laying it on thick. So Patton is freaking out over the little things and these little messages pop up. “Do you feel guilt consuming your every thought?” No I don’t think so- but this is maybe reference to POF, where he caused Thomas pain without realizing. The “Nobody is free of sin” seems like a twisted version of their new concept, “Not everything is black and white.” Patton is trying to distract himself from what happened and is only stressing himself out more.

HOLY FUCK, PATTON- Okay. So there’s obviously SOMETHING going on. Why did he have blood in the first place? Why’d he think it was a good idea? Patton are you a cannibal now-?

This gave me an idea.. this could be both figurative or literal but, the blood is on his hands.. Let’s take a look at Virgil’s episode.

Episode 4: Wake Up Call

According to (assumedly) Thomas’ phone, it is 3:23 pm. April 23rd. Almost his birthday, hmm.

Holy shit- no✨ Dolls are creepy enough-. Anyway, it’s starts off by (I assume) Virgil asking Thomas:

So one answer is normal, one is more normal for Thomas and the other sounds more Anxiety related. He chooses to brush his teeth, but they fall out. In dreams, teeth falling out are associated with loss and important life changes. Thomas has been struggling to coming to terms with the fact that he isn’t a complete pure good, and his life has changed drastically. This series started from a silly blog and now it’s a series dealing with complex and controversial issues, while he’s struggling to show the world who he is.

With the answers, they’re the same type. He chooses to make breakfast, but in the fridge with Virgil Doll, is a fucking skeleton/corpse and the fridge is all bloody. The “blood on his hands” thing might be more literal than we MAY have thought. Did Thomas kill someone? If so, who did he kill? I’ll get us there (hopefully-).

Okay- Hi Virgil- so, here I want to point out c. “I promise tomorrow I will change I will be a good person I will clean”. As soon as it had showed up on the screen, Virgil appeared. Thomas is making promises he can’t keep.

(“WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME? AM I A JOKE TO YOU? I TRY SO HARD TO BE PATIENT AND GIVE  YOU TIME, BUT YOU CHOSE TO MAKE A STUPID PROMISE INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING”)

Seems like Logan had another good point- Thomas keeps trying to say tomorrow this and tomorrow that, but Virgil knows. He wants Thomas to get up and be productive, but with Logan “out of service” you have anxiety based motivation. Virgil, being his anxiety, is also reminding him what he did.

At the end, Virgil doll is hanging by a thread (literally) and we see a gloved hand cut the thread. Setting Virgil free for now..

Episode 5: Important Reminder

Thomas is upstairs, and is going down to his living room to answer a knock at his door, and it is a WRECK. But worse than before. There’s blood on the walls and all that. He picks up “The Young Prince” something he apparently used to like during childhood, and finds this drawing between the pages:

“Have you ever imagined killing your brother?” “This is me electrifying my brother!”

Could this imply that Remus was actually the supposed witch? It was (possibly) the drawing mentioned in the Moving On episodes within the pages of a book where Princey died. This could be implying that ever since Remus appeared, Roman has been hurting. Maybe because he blames his dear twin for the murder?

…

THIS IS WHY WE SAID DONT LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN-!?

Okay- I’m okay. If you can’t tell, the word “unhelpful” was written in blood, and there is some behind the curtain. I can’t tell who it is tho- Patton? Nightmare Nico?

Speaking of Nico, ✨R E J E C T I O N✨

But really, Thomas is obviously having issues. He tried to get out the house, but Nico was busy that whole week. (Including his birthday 😢)

When he finally answered the door..:

As we’ve seen in WTIT, Thomas is scared of getting older, so I think it’s interesting that Remus called him that. “I can show you how bad things can truly get” I think this is his twisted way of saying “Get over it, you didn’t do as much harm think you did.”

(“Stop Ignoring Re”)

But of course, Janus closes the door on him, shutting him away from Thomas.

Episode 6: Blinding Denial

>No no no.

>I’m fine, I’m alright.

>I’m just…

>I’m just tired.

>I’ll fix it tomorrow, okay?

>I promise.

Thomas have still not learned? 🤨

I feel when Janus leaves the baby crying, he’s not talking about a literal baby, but Thomas. Janus has been sheltering him from the sides trying to confront him (Turning off the PC, Closing the Book, Editing the Video + cleaning the blood, etc.) but has had enough of Thomas prolonging the inevitable.

“You’ve been walking in circles”

“You’re running away from yourself”

He squished the Ladybug. Whilst crushing the hope that good luck will suddenly make things better.

“It’s time to move on and forgive yourself”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Holy crap I did it. Well hopefully you enjoyed! See you later!

[bloodhaven]

I love having chemical labs and brain wave labs showing proof there's something genuinely wrong with me instead of just

. Idk. My feelers???? Like i always doubt my mental health diagnosis' because there's no like.... Diagnostic criteria above me Feeling And Doing Things, there's no labs, there's no cords attached to my head, but we both (my psych nd me, + my therapist) know I'm depressed and anxious and have bpd and bipolar and more, but there's no labs!!!

Sorry this rant got long its under the cut um tw for self harm and needles and suicide (od) attempts

Where's the paper proof ?? Where's the chemical proof? The brain scans? There aren't any because I haven't had any done, and I don't think I'll need them done??? (Unless my dizziness doesn't go away then.... I might)

But with my Narcolepsy there's brain tests, there's cords hooked to my scalp with this nasty glue gel shit all night monitoring me, I had to spend seconds at a time under scalding water to get the gel out and I have temperature trauma so of course i was triggered and burned and crying by the time it was all out, but there's proof!!! My doctor saw it! He said i sleep like a 3 month old, which isn't great, but he saw it and then he gave it to me so I have proof forever of my narcolepsy issues

For my diabetes there's blood tests every three months to make sure my A1C is good, they tested my blood three different times!!! I was tested for hyper cortisol (once) diabetes type 1 (twice) and then they did further testing to confirm my diabetes diagnosis (twice) by my primary care & by my Endocrinologist!! Its there! I have proof!! I have to shove a needle into my tummy once a week to keep my sugars under control, and every 10 days I put a CGM into my arm so i can WATCH my sugars change !!

But where's the Proof for my mental health? The scars on my wrists and thighs? I've had people accuse me of doing it for attention before. My 3 hospitalizations? The doctor for the third didn't believe i needed it, the first time I went i had to force it , and the second time was 1 month after the first for an overdose attempt.

I! Want! More! Proof! I want the paper trail, the blood draws, the labs, the scans ,etc for my mental health... I want rock solid undeniable proof of what is wrong with me so i dont spend my life going "well what if they were wrong" i dont i dont!!

[strawberry-creep]

Okay idea, TMNT2012 x Sweet tooth

Mikey (10) as Gus

Casey (18) as Jep

Karai (20) as Bear

Shini (20) as Tiger

Donnie (18) as Aditya Singh

April (20) as Rani Singh

(theyre more like found family not romantic partners tho)

Shredder/ Oroku Saki (old as dirt) as Douglas Abott

Leo (16) as Wendy

Raph (13) as Tommy (could change)

Jennika (adult idk what age // yeah i know shes not a part of 2012 but shjh) as Aimee Eden

Splinter (deceased lmfao) as Pubba (Richard Fox)

Tan Shen as Birdie

and thats as far as ive gotten

Few things i have changed, Both Hamato Yoshi and Tan Shen were scientists who worked together and eventually fell in love and started a family their oldest Miwa, second oldest Donatello, Middle child Leonardo, second youngest Raphael and youngest Michelangelo. Yoshi had always known Martial Arts and taught his children when they were old enough to learn. Yoshi and Shen being home mutagen that is highly dangerous bc they dont know shit abt it yet. Donnie having a love for science and wanting to impress his mom takes it upon himself to go and investigate it which prompts his siblings to want to check it out too. Raph having an obsession with turtles brings his pet to come watch and Mikey crawls in (hes around 1-2 ish at the time). The mutagen spills mutating all the brothers but in different ways: Donnie only gets a turtle shell with all his other features being relatively human like, Raph gets mutated into a half turtle half human hybrid (like regular 2012 raph), Leo has turtle like limbs with the rest of his torso and head being human like, and mikey gets mutated into a half human half turtle hybrid like raph since he was exposed to it super young. Miwa finds them and calls for her parents who at first freak out and then try to find the cause of the mutation to turn their children back. (I havent fleshed out what the virus would be but lets just say the kraang had something to do with it) Then the government starts freaking out about the virus which causes chaos and once they find the mutated brothers they arrest tan shen and Don, Raph, and Leo leaving Miwa alone because shes human. Yoshi is in his lab monitoring Mikey because hes still a baby and just got mutated. Once he catches wind of the arrests he flees into the woods with mikey thinking that Miwa is safe. She wasnt and she and donnie were separated from their mother, raph and leo (who escaped). Oroku Saki being the person people go to for answers sees the potential in Donnies smarts and Miwas skills and decides to keep Donnie alive because of it having his partial mutation be a manipulation point for him and giving him to a wealthy and smart family where he can continue to advance in his studies (the o’neils) while oroku trains Miwa. After a few years of training under oroku miwa and her girlfriend Harmony escape and decided to form their own pack of children who lost their parents the foot clan and train them in martial arts they were taught. Both change their names Miwa becomes Karai and Harmony becomes Shinigami

During the shake down Casey Jones’ younger sister was born her being a hybrid (plot hole i will patch up later) which causes him to freak out

Back with Mikey and Yoshi, Yoshi changes his name to splinter as to not associate himself with his scientific discovery gone wrong and trains mikey for 10 years of his life also telling him stories of how life was and his family before all this happened until Casey finds Mikey and Splinter (dead), Mikey who has grown up with the sense that there was more to the world than what splinter told him wants to go and see for himself and find his family. Casey having a soft spot for hybrids agrees and together they travel

thats as much as im going to write bc its two am and i have school in four hours