#sotbaw

[pastriibunz]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Hatchetfield Series - Team StarKid Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Wiggly | Wiggog Y'rath & Original Character(s) Characters: Wiggly | Wiggog Y'rath, Kai Drew, Paul Matthews, Emma Perkins, Linda Monroe, Wilbur Cross Additional Tags: most of the characters are mentioned sorry, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, in the kai drewniverse??? WHO COULDA THOUGHT, wiggly’s a dad, and i love him, SOTBAW !!! WHOOOPIE!!!, the target audience for this fic is me and my wife Summary:

kai’s first thoughts when leaving her papa’s arms, every time she saw him again, and when she comes back to him.

she loves him.

she worried that he doesn’t.

WOAGGGGGHHHHHH PASTRII WROTE A SOTBAW FIC WOAGGGG IT ENDS HAPPY WOOAHHAGG ITS FOR MY WIFE @raspberrysmoon​

WOAGGGG YOU SHOULD READ IT

okay bye

[pastriibunz]

OW OW OW OW

stop it stip

uhhhhgggh

HH

I need a fic of Kai and Blinky bonding at watcher world now OWIE

deserves the same judgement | average - sushi soucy | 3/78

"you've got the skills of an idiot, who got too much praise."

blinky's only job is to watch. he's supposed to see everything.

kai stopped responding to him days ago. he figured, none of his brothers were worried. she must be talking to them. they must have seen her, recently.

but the sniggles hadn’t. not his, not wigglys, not pokeys.

at a point, he figures he’s allowed to get worried for her.

at a point, he figures she’s hiding from them. that they made her angry. that this was a punishment, and the sniggles had been sworn to secrecy.

but sniggles can’t lie when demanded the truth. they can’t lie when the result is a slow, painful death.

and the sniggles don’t know where she is, either.

so he assumes she’s really angry. he’s not sure what happened, but their girl has always been a bit finicky. it comes with the territory of raising a human girl.

until he forces his way into her room, searching desperately for some sign of her. looking, desperately, at anything that could tell him where she is.

you’ve got the skills of an idiot,

theres nothing helpful.

well, nothing that makes him any more hopeful.

her room is nearly gone. posters nothing more than dust on the ground. her blankets, burnt. the room reeks of loss. of death.

she’s noticeably absent.

blinky doesn’t come in here very often. he doesn’t find a reason to. he knows that pokey quite likes it in here– so does nibbly. but he never did. he much preferred bringing her to him. taking her to watcherworld, or taking her to watch some sniggles do something funny.

but he knows its not supposed to look like this. its not supposed to feel like this. he shouldn’t feel sick just being here.

he keeps it to himself for three days. he keeps it to himself until hes sure she’s gone. until the floor starts to drop out from under him. until the ashes of her things are slipping away from him like water.

he’s not sure exactly what he says to them to get them to follow him. he’s not sure what he says to preempt what her room looks like. he’s not even sure what they say to him.

he’s not even sure if he said anything at all, or if they looked into his hundreds of eyes, looked at his feathers, and knew.

…pokotho doesn’t cry. none of his brothers cry. he doesn’t cry, as far as they know.

he’s quite used to crying, now. he finds himself tearing up whenever he looks, and cannot find. he’s cried onto this barely-there floor for hours at a time.

but pokotho? pokey doesn’t cry. his fiery, short-tempered big brother has never cried before. nothing had ever mattered enough to make pokey cry.

who got too much praise.

..theres a first for everything.

theres a first for tears. for all of them. theres a first for tinky keeping his mouth shut. theres a first for him not seeing something. not seeing something was wrong. not seeing that she was gone before it got this bad.

but they don’t need to hear about that. they don’t need to know that he didn’t see it.

they can believe, at least for now, that he was hopeful. that he wanted to protect them from this.

they don’t need to know that he’s the one who failed. he can keep that to himself, for now.

they’ll know when they can stomach talking about this. about her. when the wound has scarred over.

but, that hasn't happened yet.

[stuckinmyweb]

BRO SO OKAY SO

@/raspberrysmoon BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION A UNIVERSE IN WHERE THE LORDS ACTED AS KAIS FATHER FIGURES AND OUGH.

OWCHIE.

8 PARTS ARE POSTED, but I hear there’s more on the way (up to 12?? or 17??? idk I forgot the numbers)

ITS TERRIBLE

(u should read it. sotbaw. spawn of the black and white. ugh.)

OOC: If I ever get the motivation (and time) to read fanfiction again is going on the top of the list oh my god.

[deathnumber382]

hey

hey

if you like kai

you should read the sotbaw series by my dear mutual @raspberrysmoon

okay bye 😁👍

IM PLANNING TO YEAH

I heard we're making the LiB cry. That's my favorite flavor :D

[pastriibunz]

A Girl, A Ghost, and A General

A SOTBAW AU in which three residents of the Black and White escape from the clutches of the Lords, and try to navigate life in the tiny town of Hatchetfield. [based on what my lovely mutual @raspberrysmoon is doing with Kai in the SOTBAW au!]

EPISODE LIST:

Uncle Mac - The little Lady in Black finally gets a new playmate after years of waiting.

My Best Friend Is Dead - Another playmate enters the scene, one that Kai strongly attaches to.

Lessons In Being Human - McNamara and Max, with their combined years of experience, try to teach Kai how to be human (a concept that, apparently, Kai doesn’t believe in).

My Papas And Me - After a LOT of convincing, Kai finally gets McNamara and Max to meet her five beloved Papas.

Papa Blinky’s Playroom - Kai, with some negging from Max and convincing from McNamara, sneaks into the room of Papa Blinky’s that she isn’t allowed in.

Humanization - Kai spirals into a depression, feeling more distant from her papas than ever. McNamara and Max offer some assistance.

Escapism - Kai decides that the gap between her and her papas is finally big enough for her to jump down. She isn’t going alone.

Welcome To Hatchetfield - The escapees make it out, heading into a tiny town called Hatchetfield. Kai finds it overwhelming.

A Thousand Eyes That Can’t See -  Blinky calls Kai home. That’s his job. He never expected to fail it.

The Singular Voice; An Eternal Silence - Pokey is never quiet. Yet, he can’t seem to make a sound.

Time Heals No Wounds; Space’s Void Comforts None - Toys aren’t fun when your favorite playmate isn’t there to play with you.

Rabid Hunger, Firey Rage - Wiggly isn’t the only lord who wants his wrath. With Kai gone, Nibbly’s teeth are bared.

A Monarchy, Fallen - He knew it was a terrible idea. He knew he should’ve killed her when he had the chance. Now, she’s killing him. Slowly, but surely.

A Crabby Barista And The Guy (Who Doesn’t Like Musicals) - Kai meets a duo in Hatchetfield, one that she connects to in an instant.

Bunker Brains - Revalations you can only come to when you’ve got a girl who’s been raised by five eldritch beings, a hardass general that said girl’s decided is her uncle, a dead vengeful ghost that’s her best friend, a man that’s so painfully average it’s almost shocking (who’s also been roped into being a father figure), and a crabby barista/mama bear all in one room.

The Gal Who Didn’t Like Musicals - Papa Pokey isn’t gonna hurt anyone else. Not on her watch.

Hexed - Families help eachother out. Even when they aren’t sure who you are anymore.

White Without Black - Our story isn’t over yet. Not by a long shot.

Home For The Holidays - Christmastime starts to roll around, and through the overstimulating confusion that comes with it for Kai, she starts to wish she was home.

BLACK FRIDAY - PART ONE: Uncle Tom And Toyzone - Emma decides to take her wacky found family to her brother in law’s for thanksgiving. After he decides to push babysitting duties onto Emma, she decides that he has to take Kai to the mall with him.

BLACK FRIDAY - PART TWO: The Banana And The Songbird - Hannah learns that her imaginary friend isn’t so imaginary. Kai learns that she isn’t so alone in her uniqueness.

BLACK FRIDAY - PART THREE: Papa And Baby - Kai was always a Papa’s Girl. But, seeing her favorite one now, she knows things have changed.

Nuke Me Not - It’s a race against the clock for General John McNamara to keep the town of Hatchetfield from getting nuked.

Family Bonding Time - Kai’s Uncle Bill decides to take his favorite niece to the very best (and only) amusement park in all of Hatchetfield: Watcher World! Kai, however, is not having any fun.

Camping In The Witchwood - Paul and Emma send Kai to Camp Idontwannabang to make some new friends. It was the cheapest option, okay?

The Bastard And The Baby - Tinky’s favorite toy reveals some information about his missing baby.

Resurrected, Somehow - The peace that settles over the family is soon disrupted by Max being revived. Kai and the boy are psyched, Paul and Emma, however, not so much.

The Nighthawks’ Nest - Paul and Emma decide it’s best to enroll Kai in Hatchetfield High. With some pushing, she convinces Max to (re)enroll too.

Max’s Redemption Arc - Max is happy to reclaim his throne as Hatchetfield High’s Literal Monster. But when Kai starts to mimic his attitude, Max realizes his behavior needs to change. Also, a prank at The Waylon and the movie Mean Girls is involved.

Me And My Papas - After some mayhem happens, Kai is forced to reunite with those who raised her.

A Sacrifice Through Tongues & Teeth - Kai knows what she has to do. She only wishes she had the proper time to say goodbye.

Square One - The Girl, The Ghost, and The General are back to square one. Only now, they’re painfully aware of the reality.

[pastriibunz]

@raspberrysmoon remember dad wiggly… from sotbaw…

*rotates him in my brain*

[pastriibunz]

SOTBAW GIFT FOR @raspberrysmoon: Five Lords And A Baby

Wiggog Y’Wrath makes a decision he can’t come back from.

Humans sucked. 

He knew that for certain.

Wiggog Y’Wrath had been watching the creatures for millenia, and he had seen it all.

Sure, they had their good moments!

But there was so much depravity,

violence,

degeneracy,

and the like.

He knew that the human race was doomed from the start.

And what else could he do but watch this shitshow as it went up in flames?

Well, put some gasoline on the fire, of course!

But, this tale isn’t about how Wiggly (and his brothers, on many occasions) liked to screw with humanity, no.

This has to deal with the girl he hailed as “the one good thing that those vermin had ever (and will ever) produce.”

Kai Dean- Well, Kai Drew. That’s the name she had wanted.

AUGUST 22, 2001 [9:30 PM] - UNINGTON, USA.

The Lords in Black weren’t the only all powerful beings in the multiverse.

There was other eldritch beings, other gods. They lived in their own separate domain from the Black and White, one that they titled ‘The Heavens’.

WIggly and his brothers never really cared for them.

For one, they were far too stuck up and formal. What good is power if you aren’t gonna have any fun with it?

Two, they were so insistent on not interfering in human affairs. Bo-ring! They were such interesting creatures, why simply watch when you could become the bestest of paly-wals with them?

But, they did agree:

Humans sucked.

But they had a different reason than him.

To them, humans were far too much like them.

Their forms, too similar, the tongues they spoke in rang far too familiar for their liking.

To them, humans were just a bit off.

Almost gods, but not quite.

Like Jupiter, almost a star, but never could succeed.

Failed stars.

Failed gods.

So, to them, they made good vessels.

Wiggly had heard rumors flitting about. One of the more powerful goddesses had left their domain. Became human.

He never expected them to be both right and wrong.

Kai Dean was born August 22, 2001, at 3:27 in the morning, to a mother and father who’s names now elude him. She came out quiet, to the point the doctors were worried. Then, a chuckle, then sobs. She was imaginative from day one, her little brain working overtime.

But she wasn’t a god. 

At least, not the one that left.

He knew that as he stared down at the sleeping bundle in his arms.

This was supposed to be simple.

Kill the baby so she wouldn’t become a problem for him and his brothers later.

But, thanks to his form, the child started to cry. And he didn’t need her parents coming in. So he had to think quickly. He quickly fixed himself up, to look more “human” for this child. The cries, however, didn’t stop.

“Wh- I did what you wanted! Why won’t you shut up?!” Wiggly hissed at the child. 

She kept crying.

He sighed. “Oh, bother…”

“It’s fine,” he whispered to himself, “you’ve been around for millennia, you’ve seen humans do this countless times, it’s simple…”

He grabbed the swaddled child out from her crib, cradling her in his arms. He bounces her, and her cries slowly quiet, morphing into sleepy babbles. He blinks.

“Well! You’re an easy little one, aren’t you?” He says, gently booping her nose. 

The baby grabs his finger with a vice grip. She brings it up to her mouth, gnawing on it.

“Oh-!! Oh, no, no…that’s not for chewing, silly-billy!” He chuckles, pulling his finger away.

She whines, her big brown eyes filling with tears.

And then, he felt something he thought was impossible for him to feel:

Remorse.

He, Wiggog “Wiggly” Y’rath, THE Lord in Black, felt bad for this child. 

That was confusing.

But what was even more confusing was what he did next.

“Oh! Oh, I’m sorry, little one. Here, here, you can have my finger back. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” He cooed softly, bringing the back of his finger to her chubby little cheek and stroking it gently.

The girl giggled. His heart melted.

He didn’t want to kill her.

She was adorable.

She was his.

“So this is why humans reproduce….” He mumbled. 

He looks around the nursery, seeing the carved woodblock letters on the walls. He smiles down at her, playing with a curly lock of chocolate brown hair. 

“Kai, huh..? What a cute name for a cute girl.” He bounces her.

She didn’t need to die, right?

No, no. She…she could be useful.

He could…he could raise her as his own. With his brothers’ help. They’ll help her use this power to wreak havoc upon the mortals.

She doesn’t have to die, and he gets to keep her! It’s a win win! He smiles down at the bundle of joy in his arms, using a tentacle to pet her cheek.

“Well, darling, how would you like to go home with your new daddy?” He smiles at her and she giggles.

He coos. “Tickle, tickle, tickle…” She laughs.

He begins to walk back to where he came, Kai in his arms. “Hm…you need a last name. What about…Drew?” He asks, tickling her. She squeals. “Oh, yeah, you like Drew. You’re definitely a Drew.”

He turns, surveying the nursery for the last time. He looks down at her, smiling with a certain kind of love in his eyes. “Kai Drew. That’s got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

AUGUST 22, 2001 [???] - BLACK AND WHITE

Pokotho and his brothers had been waiting impatiently for Wiggog’s return. He had left, declaring some wild plan, one that he hadn’t really listened to.

“I see him.” Bliklotep declared.

“Where??? And does he have food???” Nibblenephilim asked, salivating. Per usual.

“Uh…here, and maybe..?” Bliklotep motioned towards their returning brother, now semi human, a bundle cradled to his chest tightly. He smiles at his siblings.

“Hello, friendy-wends!” He grinned, holding the bundle closer. They looked at him with confusion. He waves a tentacle towards them, rubbing circles on the top of the bundle with one of his hands. Eugh.

“Do you boys mind turning a bit more…well…presentable? I have something you’ll all be interested in.” Wiggog said slyly. The others groan, knowing what this meant. Wiggog, in turn, huffs. “Don’t pout. It’s necessary. Now. Do it.”

With practically a thousand eye rolls and loud protests, his brothers end up looking similar to the vermin that was mankind. Wiggog smiles, clearing his throat.

“So, as we all know, one of those other goddesses died-”

“Nobody knew that.” “I didn’t!” “Me neither.” “What are we talking about???”

Wiggog huffs. “Well, she did. And she ‘became human’. So, in order to cause less problems in the future, I decided to…take care of our little problem. Boys,”

Wiggog brings his arms in front of him, cradling the baby in his arms. “Meet Kai.”

His brothers crowd around him, staring at the child in his arms. Pokotho is the first to speak, smiling confusedly. “I mean…it’s kinda cute-”

“I WANNA EAT IT!” Nibblenephilim interrupted with a fervor only seen in a salivating, rabid animal. 

“NO!” Wiggog shouted almost instantly, pressing Kai close to his chest, startling the other lords. “We aren’t going to eat her! I said it earlier, we’re going to take care of her! Nurture her! Love her! Raise her as one of us!”

The other four blink. Pokotho is once again the first to speak. “WHAT.”

Wiggog has a stern, unamused look on his face. “You heard me.” He smiles down at the infant, petting her cheek. “We’re gonna raise her as one of us, so when the time comes, we can use her to cause chaos!” He nuzzles his cheek to hers, cooing to the sleepy bundle. “Who’s daddy’s little destroyer of universes? You are! Yes, you are!”

“Ahem.” Pokotho says, clearing his throat, unamused. T’noy Karaxis, Bliklotep, and Nibblenephilim are a different story, however, the three snorting as they try to hold into their laughter. Wiggog awkwardly clears his own throat.

“This isn’t up for debate. It’s happening.” Wiggog says with a certain finality.

Bliklotep turns to T’noy. “Woah, we’re parents now.” 

T’noy blinks. “Woag.”

Nibblenephilim pops between the two, raising his hand and waving it in the air. “I WANNA BE THE MAMA!”

Pokotho sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He heads towards his eldest brother. “Wiggog, are you sure this is a good idea?”

Wiggog blinks. “Whatever do you mean?”

Pokotho motions to the way Wiggog is holding the girl. “You seem…attached. I don’t know if-”

“It’s happening. You can’t convince me otherwise.” Wiggog says flatly.

Pokotho huffs. “Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

He storms off, leaving Wiggly alone with Kai. He looks down at his child, who’s been awoken by the commotion. She yawns. He sighs and smiles, petting her cheek and cooing at her. “You won’t be any trouble, huh? Nooo, you’re just Papa’s perfect girl.”

The baby laughs. He smiles and nuzzles her cheek. “Yeah, you won’t. You’re Papa’s now. For now until forever.

Fin.

[pastriibunz]

she truly is her fathers daughter.

(@raspberrysmoon SOTBAW ART RAHHH)

[pastriibunz]

A GIRL, A GHOST, AND A GENERAL - EPISODE ONE: UNCLE MAC

The little Lady in Black finally gets a new playmate after years of waiting.

General John McNamara didn’t know what to do.

It was Black Friday, and one of the Lords in Black, Wiggog Y’rath, codename Wiggly, was causing mass hysteria in the US, concentrated mostly in the city of Hatchetfield. He was saving the US President, Howard Goodman, with a sacrifice of himself. 

He knew his time was up. Nobody escaped the Black.

But he didn’t fade to dust.

Instead, he was being poked and prodded by slimy tentacles, studied by watchful, bright, glowing eyes.

“You’ll do just fine.” Wiggog’s voice boomed sinisterly. 

McNamara felt himself being taken somewhere. Suddenly, he was in a girl’s bedroom, maybe even a nursery, with the way it was styled. His clothes were odd, now. No longer was he in his uniform, now in a short sleeve blouse, bow tie, cartoony gloves, and suspenders. He also wore an odd headband with antennae that ended with a fluffy puff ball, he presumed that they were there to look more like one of the other beings that resided in the Black and White, codename Sniggle.

“Hey, lovely little princess! Papa Wiggly has a surprise for you!” Wiggly coos. His voice is softer, less sinister, yet the weight it held stayed. When McNamara looked, the voice didn’t come from a monstrous eldritch being, but what looked like a human male, other than the various shades of green and the tentacles.

“What is it, Papa?” A girl’s voice comes. Higher pitched, yet posh and formal. Possibly pubescent, it was hard to tell.

“Well, you know how you said you were starting to get bored?”

“Yes, but I believe the term I used was ‘restless’.”

“Ah, yes, you did. Anywho, I have the solution! Meet your new toy! Be good to him now.” Wiggly says before leaving.

John didn’t want to admit it, but he was afraid. Wiggog had a child? They didn’t know about that. How was he supposed to proceed? What-

“Hello!” He’s startled by a child. Bright, blue-teal hair, with 4 streaks of pink, yellow, green, and purple. Brown eyes, a toothy grin, pale skin, and a scar going along her cheek. She was dressed formally, yet childishly at the same time. If he had to place her age, maybe around 12-15.

He was painfully aware of the fact she was human.

“…Hello there.” John said curtly, stumbling a bit. It was hard to stand tall when you were half floating in the air.

The girl noticed.  “Oh, yeah, the gravity here is wonky. You’ve sorta just gotta…trust that the floor is there. Believe that you’re standing on the ground. Here!”

She takes his hands in her smaller ones, shutting her eyes. “Close your eyes.”

He felt a need to oblige. She keeps going after a moment. “Know that the floor is there. Feel the ground beneath your feet. You’re standing on stable ground. Can’t you feel it?”

John did feel it. He felt the soles of his feet on a hard wooden floor, standing on stable ground. He opened his eyes and looked at the girl, who stared back at him with a smile. She was still floating in the air, and in the time he had closed his eyes, she had flipped herself upside down. 

“What are you doing?” He asked. 

She shrugged. “Eh, I enjoy floating. It’s very fun. I've done it for a majority of my life!”

“You…have?” John questioned. Just who was she?

“Yes. For as long as I can remember.” She answered.

John couldn’t lie, he was intrigued. This girl, who they had no idea existed, who had apparently been living in the black and white for practically her entire life, this girl that affectionately referred to arguably the most terrifying of the Lords in Black as ‘Papa’, she was human. He had to know. How it happened, why it happened, who she was, and why she was still here.

“Who are you?” John said after a beat.

“You first!” She replied with a giggle.

John nodded and cleared his throat. He wasn’t going to deny this girl the information she wanted. Give some to get some.

“My name is General John McNamara of the United States Military, special unit PEIP. We call it Peep.” He spoke almost reflexively.

She ‘ooh’ed at the title, clapping for him as if he put on some performance.

“Wow…My name’s Kai Drew!” She grinned toothily.

“Nice to meet you, Kai.” He said, removing the odd headband. She gasped.

“It’s fake?! Huh?! Whu- you aren’t a sniggle?!” She shouted, going over to poke and prod him.

“I am not.” He said, pushing her away. “I’m a human.”

“That doesn’t exist, General! You’re making that up!” She said accusingly. That left him with more questions.

“You…you don’t think humans are real?” He asked slowly, with the cadence used to talk to elementary school students.

“Well…not really…I don’t think. Uncle Wiley says he used to be one, but he’s lying. My papas said so. All my papas say that they aren’t real, and that we can’t talk about them.” Kai said matter of factly.

Now this confused him. What was the goal of manipulating her into thinking humans weren’t real?

“Waaait…if you’re like Uncle Wiley, does that make you my uncle too?!” She asked, a wide smile on her face.

“I-” He started. He was quickly cut off.

“Are you my Uncle General?! Ewgh. Uncle General does not sound nice. You have a weird name, General.” She stated bluntly.

He knew now that this girl didn’t know anything about the world beyond the veil. “…General isn’t my name, it’s my title. My name’s just John. John McNamara.”

Kai makes an ‘o’ shape with her mouth. “So, are you my Uncle John? No. Uncle Johnny? Nah. Uncle Mac?”

Kai immediately brightens. “Uncle Mac! That’s it! You’re my Uncle Mac!”

John begins to refuse, but the girl launches onto him, hugging him tight. He recoils.

“We’re gonna be the bestest friends ever!” She said, clinging onto him.

John had no idea how true that was.

[pastriibunz]

dad wiggly save me…

dad wiggly…

dad wiggly save me…

[pastriibunz]

@raspberrysmoon’s sotbaw fics have fucked me up

Nyways SOTBAW KAIIIII

[pastriibunz]

hey pooks i have all of them <3333 guess whos which one :] theyre in what i imagine ti be chronological order. also i have pokeys mostly done and blinky and wigglys started :]

i forgot my name again. i think thats something worth remembering - devil town by cavetown - “i still get a little scared of something new, but i feel a little safer when i’m with you.”

i truly am my parents child - family line by conan gray - “i can run, but i can’t hide, from my family line.”

deserves the same judgement - average by sushi soucy - “you’ve got the skills of an idiot, who got too much praise.”

i’m losing on their side - i bet on losing dogs by mitski - “my baby, my baby.. you’re my baby, say it to me.”

make me love myself, so that i might love you - saint bernard by lincoln - “when i am dead i won’t join their ranks, ‘cause they are both holy and free.”

you’re scaring us and all of us– some of us love you. - achilles come down by gang of youths - “soldier on achilles, achilles come down, won’t you get up off, get up off the roof?”

apathy’s a tragedy and boredom is a crime - goodbye by bo burnham - “am i right back where i started fourteen years ago?”

HELLOOOO???

Okay

1 . Wiggly taking kai in OR kai getting the idea to leav

2 . Kai first in Hatchetfield? Maybe being a dick

3 . Blinky?? Finding kai missing or telling the other lords

4 . POKEYYY EVERyONE GO READ IT

5 + 6: the others mourning??? I’m not too sure

7 . Kai’s back maybe??? Telling them to leave???

[pastriibunz]

A GIRL, A GHOST, AND A GENERAL - EPISODE THREE: LESSONS IN BEING HUMAN

McNamara and Max, with their combined years of experience, try to teach Kai how to be human (a concept that, apparently, Kai doesn’t believe in).

Kai was a confusing creature.

She spoke more formally than any 17 year old McNamara and Max ever knew.

She was smart, clearly. A bright kid.

But she was clueless.

“So, wait, you guys willingly get into metal death traps, with other metal death traps speeding down what’s practically a lawless barren landscape?!” Kai questioned, terrified.

McNamara nodded. “That’s driving.”

“It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.” Max said.

“HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?!” Kai shouted.

Max laughed. “You have no clue how life works, huh?”

Kai shakes her head. McNamara sighs. “I’ve tried to explain life as one of us to her on multiple occasions, but…it doesn’t go well.”

Max shrugged. “Well, why not try again! I mean, I’m here, I’m like, updated course material.”

McNamara blinks, considering it. Kai perks up. “Ooh, are we gonna play school?”

Max looks towards McNamara. “I dunno, are we?”

McNamara thinks for a moment more before nodding. “Why not, sure.”

Kai squeals excitedly and Max cheers, as McNamara wonders how good of an idea this was.

“Welcome to your lesson on how to be a functioning human being!” Max said with a grin as he scribbled ‘How 2 b human’ onto the chalkboard in the middle of the room. 

Kai grins and claps. “I can’t read that!”

“Your handwriting is completely illegible.” McNamara says.

Max shrugs. “Eh, doesn’t matter. My name is Professor Maxwell-”

“You’re having too much fun with this.” McNamara interjects.

Max shushes McNamara. “Sh-sh-sh-shaddup. It’s keeping her engaged and not yapping about how humans aren’t real.”

Kai nods. “It is!”

McNamara sighs. “Carry on then.”

Max grins. “So, the first thing on the chopping block is our social lives.”

“Uwaoooh!” Kai says in awe.

Max doodles a crappy image of a traditional three person family. “So, in a traditional human family, there’s a mom-”

Kai corrects him. “Mama.”

Max nods. “Mama, and a dad-”

Kai corrects him again. “Papa.”

“Papa. A mama, a papa, and a kid.” Max finishes. “But, the cool thing is that every mama and papa started out as a kid with their own mama and papa!”

“But, as far as I know, my papas just spawned in.” Kai says.

“That’s because your family is weird.” Max says matter of factly.

“Oh okay.” Kai shrugs it off quickly.

“Anyways, there’s also other family dynamics, like sometimes there’s multiple kids, only one mama or papa, or maybe two mamas, or two papas.” Max says, drawing out the different dynamics.

“If there can be two papas, why can’t I have four- or five- papas and sometimes one mama?” Kai asks.

“‘Cause your family is weird. One, one of your papas changes between mama and papa almost daily, two, all your papas are brothers, three, it’s just weird.” Max says.

Kai nods. “Gotcha.” 

“And then there’s friends.” Max drew out himself and two other boys. “Back in Hatchetfield, I had two friends: Kyle and Jason. They’re cool. Anyways, friendship looks different for everyone. Sometimes it’s being assholes to each other, sometimes it’s talking for a long time, or sometimes it’s sitting quietly together.”

Kai raises her hand and shakes it around. “Can it be giving big ol’ hugs and maybe a smooch every so often?”

“You’re so weird, man.” Max says, chuckling. “But, yeah, if you really want that. Don’t do that to me, though.”

Kai nods. Max continues. “Also, there’s these things called social cues. You clearly have no idea what they are-”

“Uncle Mac! He’s bullying me!” Kai whines. 

McNamara shrugs. “It’s true, though.”

“I know! I’m offended because he’s right!” Kai says.

Max cackles. “Anyways, they’re things that almost every person understands.”

Max starts to doodle out certain social situations as he talks. “Like, don’t touch people without permission, give people personal space, don’t talk over people, don’t talk for too long, wipe your face, chew with your mouth closed, don’t say things that could hurt people’s feelings, sit up straight-”

“Too many!” Kai shouts.

“That’s just surface level stuff!” Max says.

She groans, flopping onto her back. “You guys are confusing. I don’t wanna be a human.”

McNamara sits down next to her. “Most of us don’t. Most of us are confused by ourselves.”

“And then there are people like me who totally get it and make fun of the people who don’t.” Max said with a shit eating grin. 

Kai glares. “You’re an asshole.”

Max burst out laughing, and McNamara immediately covered Kai’s mouth. “Don’t say that around your papas.”

Max roared with laughter as Kai looked confused. “Why?”

“It’s not a nice word.” McNamara said.

“KAI, SAY ‘FUCK’!!!” Max said in between cackles.

Kai starts. “Fu-!” McNamara clamps a hand over Kai’s mouth.

“Max, you ought to stop teaching her swear words.”

“Why?! It’s hilarious!”

“It’s gonna get you killed. Again.”

“Eh, worth it.”

Kai giggles and pulls McNamara’s hand off her mouth. “You guys are confusing. But I like it.”

“I like you guys.” She says with a smile.

Max smiles back and hooks an arm around McNamara’s shoulder. “We like you too, Kai.”

[pastriibunz]

A GIRL, A GHOST, AND A GENERAL - EPISODE TWO: MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD

Another playmate enters the scene, one that Kai strongly attaches to.

Max Jägerman was a Literal Monster.

And this time, they weren’t talking about his behavior.

A group of “Nerdy Prudes”, as he called them, had “accidentally” killed him with a prank gone wrong in The Waylon Place. 

It ended with Max skewered on a loose piece of wood, vowing his revenge in a simple statement: “Nerdy Prudes Must Die.”

When he woke, he was dead.

A ghost.

Terrifying.

Yet amazing. 

This meant he could hunt down, exterminate, every nerdy prude in Hatchetfield High.

It was fun, killing off the little nerds one by one.

However, his killing spree was short-lived.

He had gotten Ruth Fleming and Richie Lipschitz. 

They were part of the reason he died, he felt it was justified.

He was ready to get two more, Peter Spankoffski and Stephanie Lauter.

But then Grace Chasity, her girlish charm, and her rockin’ bod got involved.

He did some less than holy things with her behind the bleachers, and that was his downfall.

Thanks to some deal those nerds made, Max was taken, now being studied by five eldritch beings beyond his comprehension.

These horrors made the Literal Monster look like a kitten in comparison.

For what felt like the first time in his life, Max Jägerman was terrified.

And he couldn’t do anything other than sit there, paralyzed, as these beings giggled and chittered over what to do with him.

“I wanna eat him!” One called.

“Bo-ring! Let me put him in the box with Teddy-Bear! That’ll be fun to watch!” Another spoke up.

“For you, maybe. Can I just shut him up? His voice is annoying, I’d much rather have him be a part of my ensemble.” Another whined.

“Maybe we should just put him back. I liked watching him cause chaos.” One said.

The four beings argued until the fifth spoke. “No, no. Those won’t be any fun.”

The others quieted. Max could tell this one was the top dog. That kind of presence came with power.

He used to have that power.

“No, boys, I have the perfect thing for our new fwendy-wend.”

Max was scared for what came next as he was dragged off.

Max Jägerman was 18 years old. And he was terrified.

Kai Drew was 17 years old. And she was bored.

17 years in what was practically an empty void, and you’ll see whatever there was to see, ten times over.

The sniggles weren’t any fun to play with. They were far too good at following directions. There was no struggle, no challenge. It was boring.

Watcher World wasn’t as much fun, unlike when she was younger. At least then, she was a bit too small for some of the rides, so she had something to look forward to. Now, she was big enough for all of it, and she had ridden all there was to ride. Papa Blinky would try to add in new rides every so often for her, but each ride felt more sub-par than the last.

The Black, along with Drowsy Town, weren’t any fun to look through. She’s seen all there was to see: black void to your left, black void to your right.

She had once asked to go to The White, just for a chance to explore something new. Plus, she had whispers that her papas’ sister, Webby, lived there. She thought they’d like that. She’d get a new place to explore, plus maybe a mama. Or an auntie. She didn’t mind either way.

Her papas did not like that. 

They got all weird and angry, and The White and Webby entered on their ‘banned conversation topics’ list.

Other than that, her papas were fun, as they always were. But she knew her constant presence could be annoying. She didn’t want to annoy her papas. She loved them.

The only semi interesting thing was Uncle Mac.

She didn’t mind annoying him. He was her best friend, you’re supposed to annoy them!

He told her about the world beyond the veil. But she had to tell him about things from her life in The Black first.

That was their dynamic. Give some to get some. Kai tells him a story, he’ll tell her one. Kai gets him his old outfit back, he’ll play dress up with her, and so on and so forth.

It was strange, at first. He’d ask weird questions about her papas’ weaknesses, how she got to The Black and White, things that she didn’t know how to answer.

Once he realized that she didn’t know, it was nice. He asked about stories from her childhood, what her papas’ were like to her, what she did in her free time, and things like that.

In turn, she asked what he did before The Black, what life was like out there, who he was, and more. He wasn’t always willing to answer her questions, but he made sure she got a good story when she did get an answer.

She spent a lot of time with her Uncle Mac. He was a lot nicer to her than Uncle Wiley. Her papas weren’t very keen on this at first, but with a charming smile (plus some puppy dog eyes and a little begging), she managed to convince them it was fine.

So, here she was. Curled up, fiddling with her fingers, head lying in her Uncle Mac’s lap as he quietly read a book, listening to his breathing, and occasionally receiving a head scratch or two.

“Uncle Mac?” She spoke up eventually. He hummed in acknowledgment, a sign for her to go on.

She continued. “Can you tell me more stuff about your world?”

He nodded, looking down at her expectantly. She knew what that meant. Time for her to share. 

She nodded back. “Papa Pokey likes something called a ‘Paul Matthews’, Papa Tinky likes something called a ‘Ted Spankoffski’, he calls it his ‘Teddy-Bear’, and Papa Blinky likes something called a ‘Bill Woodward’. Papa Nibbly likes whatever is winning his Honey Festival, and last I remember it was something called a ‘Linda Monroe’. Papa Wiggly also liked the Linda, but he also likes Uncle Wiley.”

McNamara nodded. “Those are names of people, Kai.”

“Like how I’m Kai Drew and you’re Uncle Mac?” She asked.

McNamara hesitated for a bit before nodding. “…Yes. Like how you’re Kai and I’m Uncle Mac.”

Kai hummed. “So, wait, if Papas’ apparently like these humans, which still don’t exist, by the way. My papas told me I came from the Black like they did.”

“What am I, then?” McNamara asked, trying to help the girl realize.

“Dunno, but that’s not the point.” Kai said, quickly shutting him down. “If my papas like these humans, then why’d they tell me humans don’t exist?”

McNamara paused. He still didn’t know. What was the goal there? “…I don’t know, Kai.”

Kai sighed. Apparently, Uncle Mac didn’t have all the answers. 

He patted her head. “What did you want to know?”

Kai shifted excitedly. “What does PEIP do?”

“Kai, you know I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.”

“Boo.”

“I know, I know.”

“Then…tell me stories from the Great War or whatever!”

“I wasn’t alive then, Kai.”

“And I thought you were a general!”

“I…am. I just wasn’t alive then.”

“Could you’ve been alive then? Then you’d have stories to tell other than, ‘it’s classified’.”

“A lot of things we do in the military are classified, Kai.”

“Where’s the drama? The action?! Tell me something about yourself.”

“…I have a husband.”

“Ooh! Gimme the deets! Is there any marriage drama?! Did something happen with you two?!”

“No, it’s nice. We’re happy.”

Kai huffed and rolled over, cheeks puffed up in anger. “Do us all a favor and be less happy.”

McNamara simply chuckles quietly, a sound that goes unheard by Kai, and scratches her head. “Sorry I can’t be more entertaining, Kai.”

“It’s fine, I guess.” She mumbles, burrowing deeper into his lap.

A noise comes from the hall, and Kai perks up. She sits up, staring towards the door. Her behavior causes McNamara to look over as well. It opens soon after, revealing Kai’s five papas. She grins. McNamara hardens.

“Hi, princess!” Wiggly starts, before noticing McNamara. He stiffens. 

“Oh. Your…friend is here.” Wiggly mutters.

Pokey pushes past. “No matter, the show must go on. Songbird, we have a little surprise for you!”

Kai tilts her head. “What is it?”

“Well-” Pokey is quickly cut off by Tinky, who’s grinning wildly. “We got you a brand new playmate!”

Pokey glares and wacks his brother in the head. Tinky winces and rubs the spot, as Nibbly and Blinky usher Max out, dressed similarly to McNamara when he first arrived, except with a longer blouse, shorter slacks, and knee high socks.

Max gags. “Gross, I look like Spankoffski!”

His interjection goes ignored.

 “This is Maxwell Jägerman, you can call him Max. He’s gonna be a lot of fun to play with.” Blinky said, ruffling her hair. He then leaned down, whispering in her ear. “If you want, you can take him and Mac to Watcher World.”

Kai brightens at the prospect. Blinky smiles and plants a kiss on her forehead, going back with his brothers.

“Are you guys sure I can’t just taste him? Just a little bit?” Nibbly whines.

Wiggly glares. “No.” He shifts his gaze to Kai, immediately softening. “Have fun with your new friend, darling.”

Kai smiles. “I will, Papa Wiggly! Bye-bye!”

He waves before walking out, taking his brothers with him, leaving Max alone with Kai and McNamara. The ghost pounds on the door.

“Hey! HEY! Let me outta here! No way in hell am I going to be subjected to dress like fucking Spankoffski of all people!” Max shouts, pounding angrily. 

After nobody responds, Max huffs and whips around. He’s met with the sight of a mostly teal haired girl with pale skin and a scar on her cheek nose to nose with him. 

He yelps. “What the fu-?!” He’s cut off by the girl poking his nose.

“Hi!” She says, excited. Max stares down at her, confused. She continues poking him. “Why’s your skin so gray? Why are your eyes so dark? Why-”

“Kai.” McNamara speaks up. Kai freezes and retreats back to his side. Max blinks.

“Sorry about her, son. She’s excitable.” McNamara says.

“Who are you?! And who is she?! And who and what the hell were those things?!” Max shouts, pointing to the door.”

“My name is General John McNamara of the United States Military, special unit PEIP. We call it Peep.” McNamara says.

Kai then throws herself around him, hugging him tight. “And he’s my uncle! And my best friend!”

McNamara pats her head. Kai lets go and holds out her hand towards Max. “I’m Kai Drew! And those things were my papas.”

Max doesn’t take her hand, instead he just stares at her, mouth agape. “Those…freaks are your dads?!”

Kai scowls. “Hey, don’t call my papas freaks!”

“Easy, son. She doesn’t know what they do.” McNamara speaks up.

Max glares. “Whatever. What’s her deal? Why’s she so...” He said, pointing to Kai.

“I’m right here, y’know!” Kai interjected, pouting. She went ignored.

“The girl’s been raised here, she doesn’t know how to interact with people.” McNamara says.

Kai scoffs, laughing nervously. “I’m sure that’s not what he was talking about-”

“No, actually, that’s exactly what I was talking about. That explains everything.” Max says, cutting Kai off.

“Well- well- urgh!” Kai growls, defeated.

Max cackles. “That’s all you got?!”

“I am very bad at insults.” Kai mutters.

Max nods. “Clearly. You could’ve at least called me a dickhead.”

Kai tilts her head “What’s a dickhe-”

“Okay! That’s enough of that!” McNamara cuts her off.

Max snickers. “You’re a dork.”

Kai shrugs. “Can’t argue with that.”

Max smiles at her, before patting her head. Kai squeaks like a squeaky toy. He cackles and keeps it going, making Kai squeak more. Max laughs. 

McNamara, meanwhile, speeches. “Welcome to the Black and White, son. It’s a tough place for people like us. It takes a strong will and lots of persistence to even manage surviving in an environment such as this. But, I’m sure with time, you’ll make do with your situation.”

He looks over at Max and stops, stunned and confused at the sight before him: Kai, atop Max’s shoulders, giggling, as he holds her in place, smiling up at her.

“We’re best friends now!” Kai squeals, hugging him.

Max laughs. “Damn right we are!”

He looks at the stunned McNamara with a smile. “I think I’ll be fine.”

[pastriibunz]

OMG WAIT I FORGOT TO POST MY SIDE PROJECT HOLD UP HOLD UP

[pastriibunz]

OW OW OW

stop

STOP

make me love myself, so that i might love you. | saint bernard - lincoln | 5/7

"when i am dead i won't join their ranks, 'cause they are both holy and free."

tinky's default emotion is anger. anger is unhelpful.

he didn’t get attached to things. sure, he got possessive, but thats an entirely different feeling.

his brothers aren’t allowed to touch his toys, because they’re his. they’ll hurt them, or play with them wrong. and they’ll come back to him wrong.

but he has no qualms throwing away a defective toy. his anger turns to the destroyer, for seconds. theres no weight to what’s been done.

but theres weight behind her. theres weight behind this loss. he’s not going to drop this anger. he can’t. even if he tries, he can’t.

and theres no one to point it to. this can’t be her fault. but he’s not sure how it could be his, or any of his brothers, either. the sniggles are just as distraught as they are. theres no where for him to look, now.

when i am dead i won't join their ranks,

blinkys out of the question, immediately. he’s been sluggish since before he even brought it up, and has been sluggish since. he barely speaks, he barely looks at them. watcherworld shuts down.

pokey, as well, is undeserving of his wrath. he’s been silent since. it makes his stomach twist to get nothing more than a nod, or a slow blink. silence has never been a word in pokey’s vocabulary.

nibbly could never deserve to be punished. his littlest brother is taking the hit the hardest, it seems. but he’s also taking it the angriest. he’s not sure he wants to get in the way of nibblys grief.

which leaves wiggly, as it often seems to. wiggly hasn’t spoken to them since they discovered she was gone. he hadn’t come out of hiding much, either.

..actually, he hadn’t seen wiggly much at all. he.. hadn’t been able to find his older brother in days. which.. probably meant he didn’t deserve to be fought with, either.

which really leaves nobody. nobody for him to be angry at but himself.

because somehow, this must be his fault. he must’ve been too mean with her, or too rough. he must’ve scared her.

..one of them must’ve scared her. with something they did. maybe not him– maybe not only him– but them. somehow, them.

'cause they are both holy and free.

but if he hurts them, they’ll take eons to forgive him. they’re already suffering. they don’t need him to make it worse, now. they won’t find this fun.

so he stays quiet. he keeps his head down, and wallows in his feelings as quietly as he can. he keeps to himself, until one of them approaches him. until nibbly slinks up to him, and pushes a basket of grains and various grasses. the handle is covered in bite marks.

its a peace offering. nibbly must be feeling better, now. clearly he went out of his way to find the things he knew would be appreciated.

..as much as he’d like to say it doesn’t work, it does. the anger fizzles out in seconds.

it gives way to grief.

to.. tears, as much as he loathes to admit it. it gives way to curling up in a field with his brother, letting him nudge food towards his muzzle and force him to swallow it.

it helps, if only a little.