#like - being able to learn anything from analyzing it fits well with being able to learn spells as long as written down

[aparticularbandit]

D&D wizard Junko Enoshima with Ryoko Otonashi's Memory Notebook full of all of her spells.

[laughhardrunfastbekindsblog]

Lost and Found

Summer of Bad Batch 2024 | Week 2 | Prompt: Comfort Zone

Summary: Tech had only lived on Pabu for a short while; but as soon as he saw it again, with the knowledge that his family was somewhere down there, waiting for him, he knew: he was home. POV: Tech, Crosshair, Phee (Word Count: 5397)

Read on Ao3

Tech sat back in the passenger seat, datapad resting on his lap, his eyes burning slightly from fatigue after having spent the past few hours of the trip researching the habits of a specialized breed of hounds called lurcas. He had wanted to pilot the ship himself; but Omega had been so excited to show him firsthand how much she had progressed with the skills he had taught her, and he just hadn’t been able to say no. Besides, his piloting skills, while still more than adequate to handle flying especially during a non-combat trip like this, were mildly hampered by the nerve damage he had sustained to his left arm – he could still use the appendage, thankfully, but it remained significantly weaker than his right arm and fatigued rather quickly.

He remembered the flying lessons with Omega so well now - those were among the clearest of his memories, memories it had taken him well over a decade to recover.

There were still some small pieces of his life he couldn’t remember. How he had survived the fall from the railway was one of those pieces: apparently he had been delirious, or so he had been told, when the small band of native Eriaduans – intelligent beings, though so primitive and so reclusive with their dwelling places hidden deep in the forests that the other intelligent species on the planet paid them no mind – had found him; and he had sunk into a coma for months, before waking to realize he had no idea who he was, though thankfully he still knew how to speak, understand, and read Basic.

It hadn’t helped matters that he could barely see anything… until a few days after waking, when he had discovered that looking through a piece of curved glass brought his vision into sharper focus; and with this observation staying forefront on his mind, as soon as he was able to start hobbling around on his own, he had proceeded to gather materials and construct himself a pair of spectacles without really consciously thinking about how to do it, almost as if… as if he had done such a task several times before.

This had seemed so familiar, and he had learned very quickly to lean into familiarity as far as he could in his efforts to rediscover himself. It had been this feeling of familiarity that had drawn him, like a moth to a flame, to the recently downed shuttle near the natives’ village. It had been this feeling of familiarity that had guided his hands and his thoughts as he had successfully repaired the shuttle. It had been this feeling of familiarity that had led him to decrypting and reviewing the mission reports and data logs in the shuttle’s databanks; and he had found he recognized the basic facts of the Clone War and the aftermath, he knew the Empire went against everything he stood for, he remembered flashes of battles and he knew he must have been involved in the war somehow, though he didn’t look much like the clones who had formed the GAR. But, while most of his procedural memory had remained intact, and his semantic memory had returned at a rather astonishing rate as he researched what he could from the databanks, the brief flashes of episodic memories that he did have, much of the knowledge he remembered… there had been no context for it. He hadn’t known how he fit into it, or who or what had been important to him. And it seemed that the more he tried to consciously hold on to the personal memories in order to analyze them, the more quickly they slipped away altogether; faces and names in particular remained frustratingly out of reach. So he had soon learned to let these images, these episodic memories flicker across his mind without trying to think about them.

Still, he had kept leaning into the familiar as much as he could for countless months, and as the forests of Eriadu had become increasingly known to him, he had resigned himself to living out the rest of his life there… until Imperial soldiers had begun searching the forests for rebel cells, and he had intuitively known he should not be discovered. The native Eriaduans had refused to leave the planet with him, and he had let it go, knowing chances were high that the Imperials would leave the natives alone so long as he wasn’t with them. And so he had followed the feeling of familiarity that prompted him to pilot the shuttle, leaving Eriadu behind and entering the somehow reassuring white void of hyperspace.

The next decade had been a blur as he found and settled on the remote planet Tintha. He had been drawn to one of the tiny towns there, where he eked out a living doing what he had recognized best: engineering, mechanics, tinkering, decrypting, exploring, researching. What’s more, he had realized these things weren’t just familiar – he enjoyed all of it.

But he still hadn’t known who he was.

His skills, already appreciable on their own but even more noticeable given how secluded the planet was, had drawn the attention of a few influential people first on Tintha, then the wider system of Torus, until one day a man with cybernetic implants and the rather cryptic name of Echo – no surname – had visited him to ask for assistance decrypting information that turned out to be top-security Imperial intelligence. Then, after posing some rather probing questions about who he was and where he had come from - questions he couldn't very well answer - Echo had abruptly asked if he would agree to meet a young pilot named Omega to assist her with a rather more complicated task. He had agreed to meet the pilot, but hadn’t wanted to commit to joining the Rebellion – of course these strangers were rebels, he had figured that much out, though Echo had mentioned nothing by name – sympathetic though he might be to the cause. Besides, Echo and Omega kept acting so strangely around him, as if there was a lifetime of secrets they wanted to tell him but didn’t dare mention.

Well, most people seemed to act oddly around him. Or maybe he acted oddly around people. That awkwardness was all too familiar, and he had a feeling that things had always been this way, even before losing his memories.

Still, both Echo and Omega, these strangers he had only recently met, felt so familiar to him; and, following his usual method of leaning into familiarity, he had trusted them enough to let them take some scans and a blood sample – “Maybe we can help you find out who you are, in exchange for your help,” they had said. And he had allowed it; of course he had run his own blood sample before, but these rebels likely had access to more databanks than he did on this remote planet.

And then Omega had asked for his help recovering recorded data from an extremely familiar pair of broken goggles. And the first item he had found was the old back up copy of the picture of Clone Force 99, taken shortly after Echo had joined the squad.

And he had started to remember.

“Omega?” he had said tentatively, gently, turning his gaze to the tall, confident, energetic, brilliant woman next to him, so similar yet so different from the adolescent sister he had so quickly grown to love all those years ago.

Omega had instantly known that he remembered her – really remembered her, and her eyes had filled with tears. “Yes, Tech, it’s me,” she had whispered.

Tech.

Yes, that was his name – finally, he could remember his name. The Eriaduans had called him a term in their native tongue – Esha’Nu, Lost One – for so long, and he had gone by the name of Nu for years here on Tintha. But upon hearing his real name, it had been as if all – well, almost all – the discrete and nonsensical and decontextualized flashes of memory started clicking back into place.

His follow up question, however, had had nothing to do with the return of his memories.

“You recovered all this recorded data years ago, didn’t you?” he had asked Omega shrewdly.

Omega had laughed. “Yes,” she had said, nodding – and then her jaw had started to tremble as tears began streaming down her face. “It… it was all we had left of you. I had to find a way to restore it all, and I did. But,” and she had sat up straight, clearing her throat in an effort to stop the tears, “I was hoping that maybe the goggles or the pictures would help jog your memory, more than just being told you were a clone.”  

All those years – his family had believed him to be dead.

If only he could have remembered who he was sooner. But there was no way to change that now. He had lost so many years with his loved ones - which meant there was no time to spend wallowing in regret over the lost years, over circumstances he had had no control over anyway. And a lot of the old memories were still frustratingly distant, vague, unclear - he had to address this issue before turning to the task of catching up on all the developments he had missed with his family. 

“I would prefer to keep these to review the information when you go back to your mission for the Rebellion, Omega,” he had said matter-of-factly, indicating the goggles.

And Omega had smiled. “Tech, you are my mission now.”

Reviewing the recordings with Omega and Echo had done wonders in further clarifying Tech’s memories. He had lived for years trying to rediscover himself and had even been partially successful, though, despite Echo’s and Omega’s reassurances, he now knew his mind wasn’t nearly as exceptional as it had been before – still genius-level intellect, perhaps, but he recognized he couldn't retain quite as much information as he had before the fall and his mental processing speed was slower. But all of that hardly mattered. What mattered was that, now, he could remember at least 85% of the life he had forgotten; he could recall nearly everything, including that fateful choice on Eriadu, his final glimpse of his family before everything had faded to blackness.

Or what he had thought would be his final glimpse.

Tech, his eyes closed against the glare of the ship’s interior lighting, now smiled. He was with Omega and Echo now; he would be reuniting with his other brothers soon; there were certain friends he hoped to meet again eventually.

He was about to see his whole family again.

“We’re coming out of hyperspace now, Tech,” Echo called over his shoulder from the co-pilot’s seat next to Omega.

Still smiling, Tech opened his eyes and walked to the front of the flight deck, staring into the white blur of hyperspace for several seconds until…

There was Pabu.

He had only lived on the planet for a short while; but as soon as he saw it again, with the knowledge that the rest of his family was somewhere down there, waiting for him, he knew: he was home.

**********

Crosshair, standing outside the Archium with Wrecker and Hunter, saw the ship approaching and suddenly felt like he would throw up.

Ridiculous, he scolded himself. He had been impatiently anticipating this reunion for weeks, ever since Echo and Omega had told them the unbelievable news that they had found Tech, alive – a blood sample and a clone identifying code scan had definitively confirmed it. And, even more miraculously, they had been able to help Tech remember his true identity.

Crosshair had searched for happiness and peace for so long, and had finally found it in abundance with his family after their victory on Tantiss.

It had taken months, but he had eventually come to terms with the fact that Tech was gone.

It had taken even longer, but he had eventually let go of the guilt and regret he had felt over Tech’s sacrifice to save the entire family – including him, Crosshair – on Eriadu.

He hadn’t thought it possible to ever feel more happiness, until he and Hunter and Wrecker had received Omega’s transmission, her words only barely intelligible given the sheer amount of glee in her voice, that Tech was alive.            

Crosshair had been in shock – all of them had been – until Wrecker had broken the stunned silence with an enthusiastic whoop so loud the ceiling of their cabin had actually shaken; and Crosshair hadn’t been able to stop smiling as a wave of almost giddy relief had washed over him while Hunter had eagerly inundated Omega with follow up questions. The next few weeks had been a whirlwind of preparation and discussion – they had to make up an extra bed; what kind of food did Tech like to eat now?; would it be a good idea for Tech to meet Batcher right away or should the hound stay in the back room?; would the reunion be too overwhelming?; they should ask Shep and the other Pabu residents to allow the reunion to be private; would it be too calm?; what was he like after so long, and would it be too much to take in given how much they had changed? But in spite of the busyness, Crosshair couldn’t help but feel that the days were passing by far too slowly: he wanted to see his brother now.           

Well, “now” had finally come; and, standing here as Omega’s ship came in to land, Crosshair thought of the last time he had seen Tech, and his heart sank. Their parting on Kamino had been rather less than amicable on his, Crosshair’s, part, even as his brothers had invited him to rejoin them. Crosshair had just stood there sullenly on the platform, refusing to even look at his brothers as Tech had turned first to prepare the Marauder for departure while the others had followed one by one. Even knowing then that his commitment to the Empire meant it was highly unlikely he and his brothers would willingly cross paths, Crosshair had never really thought that critical moment could be the last time he would see Tech.

For years since the devastating event on Eriadu, the idea of the family ever truly being whole again had been an impossibility, even as they all did their best to honor Tech's sacrifice. Now that the impossible was suddenly imminent, Crosshair wanted so desperately to see Tech again, but he had to wonder: did Tech really want to see him? After all, if he, Crosshair, had just gone with his family after they had saved his life on Kamino, Tech would never have needed to sacrifice himself on Eriadu, and would never have been lost and alone for well over a decade.

After all Tech had been through, did he want to have Crosshair back as a brother?

The ship’s ramp lowered, and Crosshair suddenly found he couldn’t move as he saw Tech slowly descend. Omega had told them that the primitives who had helped Tech on Eriadu hadn’t exactly had the best medical equipment, and Crosshair could clearly see this to be true given the multiple prominent scars crossing Tech’s face, the pronounced limp that bore evidence of once-shattered bones in his right leg and pelvis that hadn’t quite been set properly, and the slight yet still noticeable weakness of his left arm that hung rather limply by his side. What’s more, Tech now wore thin-rimmed spectacles, his hair was slightly longer and liberally streaked with gray, and the wrinkles developing around his eyes and mouth were readily apparent despite the scars.

Wrecker, tears already pouring down his face, bounded forward to pull his brother into a bone-crushing hug, and didn’t release him until Tech managed to wheeze “Wrecker” in a voice indicating impending risk of suffocation. Hiccupping slightly, Wrecker set Tech back down on the ground and stepped back to allow Hunter, a warm if somewhat shaky smile gracing his face, to grasp Tech’s forearm and clap him on the back in Hunter’s signature greeting.

Crosshair hung back, rooted to the spot, hopeful and happy and scared and apprehensive all at once.  Tech’s voice was the same, he had the same welcoming closed-lipped smile, he appeared as calm and quietly happy as he had ever been when near the squad – his family.

But Crosshair hadn’t been part of the family when Tech had fallen. Tech had spent months thinking Crosshair hated them all, yet had still wanted to rescue him, only to sacrifice himself and be left behind…

Tech abruptly looked over and met Crosshair’s eyes, and his smile widened as he relinquished Hunter’s arm and limped toward his youngest brother.

It was now or never: Crosshair had to say something.            

“Tech,” he croaked.

“Crosshair,” Tech returned casually. “Omega told me you had returned.” And he placed a reassuring hand on Crosshair’s shoulder in greeting.

Crosshair wasn’t really the hugging type, and he certainly wasn’t one to initiate a hug. Neither was Hunter. Or Echo, for that matter. Wrecker and Omega were the only ones who gave hugs freely and without hesitation. And Crosshair knew Tech had always been the most touch-averse of all of them; though, according to Omega, Tech had readily accepted and returned her hugs as she had been growing up.

All of this passed through Crosshair’s mind as he stared in near-shock at his long-lost brother, the one he had thought he would never see again, the one he had wanted so desperately to reconcile with…

Crosshair couldn’t help it: before he even realized what he was doing, he had wrapped his arms around Tech’s shoulders and was hugging him with all the strength he possessed.

What was worse: he was crying. He, Crosshair, the one who prided himself on being more emotionally stoic than even Echo, the one who had made it through Tantiss and beyond without letting one stray tear leave his eyes (that one time on the Tantiss bridge didn’t count, that was rain, not tears), was now sobbing so hard onto Tech’s shoulder he was positive that, any moment, his brother would awkwardly pull away to avoid being drenched.

Instead, Tech gingerly placed his hands on Crosshair’s back, and lightly returned the embrace.

“I’m happy to see you too,” Tech said quietly.

All of Crosshair’s anxiety, doubt, and fears were erased, washed away by sheer relief, gratitude, and joy.

No matter what had happened before, they were still family, they were still brothers.

Tech was home.

**********

Phee approached the door of the cozy, well-lit cabin tucked against the mountainside, striding confidently and resolutely up the path; yet she paused ever so briefly to take a deep, calming breath before opening the door and stepping inside.

Hunter had contacted her a few weeks ago to inform her that Echo and Omega had found Tech, alive and relatively well, but having spent the past near decade and a half since Eriadu as an amnesiac. He had now recovered his memories, he knew who he was and who his family was, and he was coming home.

“He asked about you, Phee. He wants to see you.”

Phee had agreed to return, but had told Hunter it would be some time before she had wrapped things up enough to come back to Pabu. In truth, she ended up taking far more time than she needed to conclude her business and make the trip to the island planet. She had never been through the ordeal of losing one’s own memories and identity, living lost and alone for years before rather abruptly rediscovering them; but she could well imagine that such an experience would be overwhelming at minimum, and intuited that it would likely be best for Tech to have time to reconnect with his family first.

Besides, she needed some time to figure out how she felt about all this.

She had always liked Tech. Even in the very beginning, when his awkward and seemingly know-it-all behavior had initially turned her off, she couldn’t deny she had felt an instant and persistent attraction to him; and as time had passed and she had come to know him better, the attraction grew, and what had at first been rather annoying traits and quirks of his became endearing. After she had introduced his family to Pabu, she and Tech had spent more time together and had certainly grown close, close enough that her liking of Tech had turned into – well, she wouldn’t have called it “love” at that point, but definitely a hope that their solid friendship could soon become much, much more, could perhaps become love.

And then Tech had died, and Phee had been devastated, but she had hidden her feelings as best she could – after all, she had just been a friend, she wouldn’t lose her cool and make Tech’s bereaved family feel obligated to comfort her. And besides, she still liked the band of misfit clones that were Tech's siblings. And so she had continued to do what she did best – liberating ancient wonders – while also dabbling in much riskier intelligence acquisition and prison breaks in order to help Tech’s family save their imperiled brother and sister. And then she had subsequently maintained her friendship with the family, visiting Pabu frequently for their sakes as much as for Shep and Lyana, all the while knowing deep down that she was doing all of this as much for Tech’s memory as she was for the sake of her own friendship with his siblings…

Okay, fine, she had loved Tech, loved him as far more than a good friend. And knowing now that he was alive, with an airtight reason for having not shown up before now, and was asking to see her – well, all those feelings were reawakening at a frighteningly quick pace.

Thing is – she had fallen in love with the Tech of over ten years ago, before he had spent years not knowing who he was and therefore quite possibly discovering new things about himself in the interim. Would she, could she still love him as he was now?

“Omega says he was a little different when she and Echo first found him; but now that he’s recovered his memories, he’s become much more like his old self,” Hunter had said. “Still some differences – he’s definitely quieter, doesn’t interrupt nearly as much, not much of a risk-taker, insists he’s not as brilliant as he used to be…”

“So he only rates four times higher than genius intelligence level, instead of five?” Phee had quipped.

“More like only nine times higher instead of ten, by Echo’s estimation, but you get the point,” Hunter had replied levelly. “And… well, you know clones were engineered with accelerated aging…”

“Old people don’t scare me,” Phee had scoffed lightly. “I still talk to you, don’t I?”

And Hunter, rolling his eyes in exasperation, had chuckled in reply.

She wanted to stay in love with Tech, and nothing Hunter had said to describe Tech’s current state had indicated he had drastically changed. But there was also the fact that Phee still didn’t know for sure how Tech had felt about her – she had become well accustomed to Tech sometimes being oblivious to social cues and “normal” social interactions, but he had been almost uncharacteristically standoffish during their last parting, and while she had brushed it off at the time as Tech being Tech and resolved to have a definitive discussion with him as soon as he returned… well, he had never returned.

If he hadn’t returned her feelings then, what were the chances he would now?

But hey, Phee thought practically here in the present, as she stepped over the threshold into the cabin, it’s not like I’ll be any worse off in the romance department than I am now. Holding out a hand to prevent Batcher from knocking her over as she closed the door behind her, she glanced around, nodding at Omega, Hunter, Wrecker, Crosshair, and Echo, who were all seated in their customary places around the central open-floor room, before her eyes fell on the sixth figure just a few feet away from Echo...

There he was, seated at the small table that bordered one side of the room. She recognized him instantly: still bespectacled, still with piercingly intelligent yet warm brown eyes, still on the lanky side, still with his hair slicked back off his forehead making his hairline more pronounced; though now with a scarred face, graying hair, even more of a tendency toward hunched shoulders, and more wrinkles around his eyes and mouth.

In other words, he was even more handsome than ever.

And he was looking right at her, calmly regarding her with his typical thoughtful expression.

Phee, being herself as always – no point in pretending to be anyone else, after all – fixed him with a sarcastic stare.

“Well, look who’s finally decided to show up.”

“Better late than dead, I believe is your phrasing,” Tech replied steadily. “Or it used to be.”

Oh stars, his voice - his confident, soothing, practical voice - was the same…

And yet, steady though his voice may be, there was a hint of hesitation in his eyes, and Phee suddenly realized: he was just as uncertain about how much she had changed, as she was about him.

Well, she’d just have to show him who she was.

“That phrase still holds true,” she conceded airily, sitting in the chair across the table from him and leaning back, crossing her arms. “Good to see you all,” she addressed the rest of the family.

The others greeted her in return; and, determined to make this visit as natural as possible, Phee forged ahead to engage them in light conversation, not leaving Tech out but not focusing specifically on him either. Hunter, as could be expected, seemed to pick up on her intention first; and with their combined efforts, Wrecker soon stopped glancing meaningfully between Tech and their guest and instead joined in the discussion, with Echo, Omega, and even Crosshair then following his lead.

Apart from interjecting a few minor corrections to some details Hunter and Wrecker elaborated on regarding events on Pabu over the past few days, Tech seemed content to just soak it all in, quietly watching the scene while idly stroking Batcher who had serenely parked herself squarely next to his chair.

Then again, Tech had always been most at his ease around his siblings. It had taken weeks on Pabu before Tech had started to seem more relaxed around Phee, even as he had given every indication that he wanted to be around her; and it had also taken her some time to come to terms with what she had initially mistaken to be mixed signals.

Phee was glad that Tech had so quickly readjusted to life with his family. And maybe – just maybe – this could mean he may soon be comfortable around her again.  

It was nearly half an hour before the brothers and Phee had caught each other up on recent happenings – well, all recent happenings apart from the most significant development, which was currently sitting right across the table – and Phee turned to Omega, who was still laughing over Wrecker’s retelling of the latest fishing expedition gone wrong.

“Omega,” Phee said, “I want to hear all about your rebellious exploits before you disappear again.”

“Some of those exploits are supposed to be classified, Phee,” Omega replied solemnly.

“So?”

Echo glowered, but Omega broke into a grin. “We’ll catch up as far as I’m allowed,” she promised, before her eyes darted briefly to Tech and she added, “Later.”

Phee, knowing it was time, took the hint and turned to directly face Tech. Crosshair, of all people – bless that man, though of all Tech’s brothers Phee would never have thought that Crosshair could be so insightful in situations like this – rather forcefully drew his siblings’ attention away from the table’s occupants by complaining loudly about the current toothpick shortage on Pabu. Tech, still engaged in his siblings’ discussion, opened his mouth – probably to explain precisely why certain supplies were low on the remote island while the galaxy at large was at war – but promptly turned his attention to Phee when she spoke.

“I see Batcher has taken a liking to you,” she said casually.

Tech smiled a bit as he glanced down at the aging hound. “I have always been fascinated by creatures of all kinds, but I never saw the purpose of maintaining one as a companion,” he said conversationally. “This has been especially true the past few years – there was no reason to permanently take on the care of an animal when I didn’t really know who I was. Even now I can’t say lurca hounds are of a temperament that would make them my first choice of pet. But this one in particular is exceptional. Omega did well domesticating her.”

The more Tech talked, the more Phee's spirits rose; but she kept her demeanor relaxed and straightforward. “Yeah, Batcher is fine, but Mel is the closest thing to a pet I’ve ever wanted to have. Apart from her, I’ve pretty much always travelled alone.”

Tech glanced at her with an openly interested expression.

“You haven’t taken up traveling on a permanent basis with any other pirates or smugglers since we last spoke, then?” he asked.

Cheeky. Phee raised a brow at him, immediately recognizing the reference to their last conversation – the one she had replayed countless times in her head in the intervening years – but now wanting to hide the fact that she was simultaneously impressed, shocked, and strangely elated.

If he not only remembered their last conversation but was now willing to reference it, could that possibly mean he had loved her too?

But she had to stay cool. “I believe I was the one who told you not to run off with pirates or smugglers while you were gone,” she retorted.

“Yes, well, there were surprisingly few members of either category in the vast forests of Eriadu, or on a world as remote as Tintha,” he returned a trifle stiffly, in the manner Phee recognized as the one he used when he knew he hadn't picked up on all the subtext of a statement but still felt obliged to respond. “I couldn’t have run off with one even if I had wanted to.”

Phee smirked. Tech might be able to recite all the definitions and detailed components of flirting like the walking dictionary/encyclopedia combined that he was, but he would never be able to effectively put flirting into practice. And she loved him for it.

Oh, yes, she still loved this man. She couldn’t wait to get to know him again.

And it was her turn to answer the question.

“Well, you know, there was one man I would have considered traveling with on a permanent basis,” she said, deliberately borrowing Tech’s own words. “Not a pirate or a smuggler, but a handsome fella, strong, brave, wicked smart. He disappeared, though, and for a long time I thought he’d never come back.”

Tech surprised her by looking almost… disappointed? “Oh, I… didn’t know that,” he said, as if at a loss for words. “I… I hope he returns someday.”

Oh, poor Tech – okay, now was obviously not the right time for teasing or subtlety.

“In case I wasn’t clear,” she said slowly and distinctly as she leaned forward, rested her arms on the table, and caught and held Tech’s gaze, “the man I was talking about is you.”

Surprise, relief, uncertainty, and hope all passed over Tech’s face in equal measure before his expression settled on unreadable, and he was silent.

And Phee was suddenly acutely aware that, despite the low voices in the background indicating Tech’s siblings were ostensibly still talking amongst themselves, all ears were open and straining to keep track of this particular conversation.

Shaking her head slightly as she chuckled, Phee pushed her chair back from the table. “Let’s go for a walk, Brown Eyes.”

Tech readily agreed, his expression brightening as a small hopeful smile dawned on his face; and when she took his hand as they exited the cabin, he didn’t shy away.

@summer-of-bad-batch

[kanna-kizuchi-enjoyer]

Analyzing the versions of Terusai

How well it fits within canon and with the characters general personalities

Explanations:

Kokomi and Kusuo: Theyre already close friends and Kokomi has been shown to have a crush on him, when his powers went away, he stared at her and did say that her face would be considered pretty. Also the combination of gorgeous and psychic would be unstoppable.

It would also help both of them out, both of them get considered more than human, by their family especially. Kusuo already considers Kokomi to be a regular girl which is part of why she likes him so much, platonically or romantically. I think that opinion would do wonders for her, she would be allowed to have a break and wouldn't have to keep up her performance around him. And for Kusuo, Kokomi doesn't know him extremely well as shown by her fantasy version of him. However, she could get to know him better as time progresses. Even if she does learn about his powers, she would be shocked at first obviously, however she would grow to accept it, and given how shes been treated and how she is favoured by God, and her ability to guess people thoughts on her with extreme precision (see: average boy from the 3 legged race) her experiences border on psychic, this would allow her to be able to see Kusuo more as a regular boy than most people who know do, an example being Kuusuke.

It would also most likely help with their familial issues given the similarities. Both their older brothers have their issues, albeit different degrees, this would allow them to understand each other's problems and therefore let each other work through it.

Makoto and Kusuo: Who doesn't like enemies to lovers? They hate each other but they keep interacting, one time Makoto even halfway hugged him, strange behaviour to a guy you hate, not to mention how many times Makoto has randomly showed up at Kusuo's house unannounced. Also, Makoto is shown to be very jealous of Kusuo due to his friendship with Kokomi, a good twist on this would be that he's jealous of Kokomi but can't handle those feelings so he copes in the strangest manner. This would improve Makoto's character and the fanbases opinion on him. He is definitely the most hated Saiki K character, why? Because of his blatant obsession with his own sister, if you remove that, you can focus on his better qualities more. He's a funny and interesting character with a great design but that gets overshadowed by the sister thing.

Aside from that idea, it still works even if you keep the sister issue. Learning to love someone else would be good for him. His obsession hurts him and especially Kokomi, so being separated from her would give both her time to heal and him time to learn to love someone else, and allow the siblings to develop a healthy sibling bond.

Kokomi and Kuusuke: I believe it would be toxic as hell. Kuusuke has been shown to be actively hostile towards her (and most people) and given how much of her pride he shattered, she probably holds a deep grudge against him. I think if they were to date they would act nice to each other around people but it would be very strained and fake, but they would end up trying to best each other constantly, Kuusuke because he dislikes her, and Kokomi because she dislikes him and to regain her damaged pride. They would be like the couples who actively despise each other but Kuusuke and Kokomi would not tell people that.

However, in the scenario of a healthy relationship, It could benefit them in some ways. As I said with Kusuo, Kuusuke doesn't consider Kokomi anything more than a regular girl, (he actually believes that she's less than that, or more accurately, all humans are, except Kusuo and he likely places himself between the two categories.) Since he doesn't consider her godlike, she could be free to be herself, and be somewhat free from that pressure. On top of that, Kuusuke figured out her entire characters based on about 20 minutes with her, so there wouldn't even be a point of being a perfect pretty girl since he already knows who she is. I would say it would help him get over his competitiveness against Kusuo, however, I doubt he thinks highly of anyone else's opinion so Kokomi's input would have no effect on his behaviour. However, seeing the Cambridge scenes, he seems extremely lonely, so companionship, romantic or not, would benefit him.

Makoto and Kuusuke: Honestly, there's no telling how they would react to each other, they have no dynamic to go off of. However, everything I said about Makoto and how Kusuo would improve him, goes for Kuusuke as well so it would impact Makoto at least, and with Kuusuke, as with Kokomi, it would help dwindle his loneliness. Also, they have a lot of comedic potential, they are both very eccentric and strange men, being around each other's influence would probably amplify those traits. Imagining the amount of disapproval Kusuo and Kokomi would have about it is great on it's own. Overall, they are up to interpretation, they can be whatever the viewer wants them to be, and that in of itself is wonderful potential.

My personal opinions on them

What does "Positive but neutral" mean? It means I like the ship but I do not indulge in actively shipping it. Other than that, I post about Makoto and Kuusuke everyday without fail, I love Kokomi and Kusuo's friendship and see them more as best friends rather than lovers, and I am not very fond of Kuusuke and Kokomi (as a ship, as characters I adore them)

Overall, I respect all ships and the people who ship them.

[aortaobservatory]

im VERY interested to hear your thoughts on the blood aspect... its one that i think is taken very much at face value, and is somewhat limited in the traits often ascribed to it (responsibility, heritage, friendship).

Though we have canonical explanations for the Aspects, you're correct in that they often get reduced down to face-value. It was a problem I encountered myself in my early analyses; human beings are multi-faceted, and thus, so are these aspects which are meant to represent many concepts within humanity as a whole. That was something I had to learn to ascribe to my classpect analyses.

My analyses now use four keywords I whittled down from the canonical descriptions as well as the wider concept I understood it to convey. This is an attempt to portray these aspects as multi-faceted as opposed to what is commonly done in flattening them down into only one concept. (IE, "Blood = Friendships, Breath = Independent, Light = Smart, Mind = Logic, Hope = Religious, Rage = Anger", and so on. These words aren't necessarily wrong, but they're definitely not right either, and they definitely don't fit everyone within those aspects. They do not encapsulate the full scope of the aspect as a whole, which means they do not encapsulate the full scope of whatever classpect they are applied to, which then provides a flat, confusing, or biased classpect analysis.)

From The Extended Zodiac, I pulled these keywords from the Blood Aspect description. These would be the "canon" traits; they are what I adhere to when analyzing, but it should also be understood that this concept encompasses much more to do with than these keywords. Its "vibe", if you will, is much more than what is written.

TEZ Blood Keywords: Bonds, trust, camaraderie, groups, inspirational, relationships, friends and allies, charismatic, uplifting, magnetic, (sullen, unkind, set-in-their-ways)

None of the above traits are inherently good or inherently bad. The Blood Aspect, like all the other aspects, is inherently neutral; it is neither good nor bad, but merely a representation of a concept we experience as human beings.

I will say that responsibility is definitely a core trait of the Blood Aspect, but the aspect should not just be limited to that trait and its synonyms. Responsibilities, promises, relationships, camaraderie, community, bonds, connections; these things are what Blood is about. The ties that bind and the blood of the covenant are strong themes for the Blood Aspect.

I would personally say that Blood is what drives humanity, community, and many cultures. That is not to then say that Breath, its inverse, has no place in humanity either; too much of anything is never a good thing, and these aspects have inverses to balance them out accordingly. This is also part of why I so strongly believe inverse classpecting is important to consider as well, as you must be aware of how you should balance to be able to balance, but I digress.

Blood does not just value the relationships they have. They can also be the core of their friend groups, the thing keeping their family members together or in touch, so on and so forth. I believe that particular concept is termed "Unity". They bring people together, which is very powerful.

This is why Karkat, as a Knight of Blood (Active Utilizer), was able to bring twelve extremely different and difficult people (including himself) together long enough to succeed at an extremely convoluted, long game session. Kankri on the other hand, as a Seer of Blood (Passive Knower), was not experienced in his aspect and wasn't able to bring his friend group together a long while before they decided to scratch, but that did not mean he wasn't trying; as inane as Kankri's rants were, they were founded from his understanding of Blood as someone who only understood it from the point of view of the Breath aspect. Had Kankri reached godtier as a Seer of Blood and fully properly understood the Blood aspect, I believe he could have succeeded in the same fashion Karkat was able to.

This got quite long, my apologies. I did not think I would have this much to say! I hope it was intriguing for you.

[rfxiii]

Michael-centric Headcanons

Davey didn’t know Michael was going to show up to his own funeral back in Ludendorff, and when he spotted him; he was mad as hell. But Michael had to be there, for the dramatics.

Michael has a collection of old vhs tapes that he’s carried around with him since the 80’s- a good percentage consisting of Solomon Richards films.

Michael’s drinking habit started in his mid-teens- he’d steal alcohol from his father and sneak out to go drinking with his friends. He liked how cool everyone thought he was for being able to get them alcohol, but eventually the weekend drinking with his friends spiraled into a dependence to escape the realities of his home life.

When they first met, right when Trevor shot that guy with his flare gun, Michael thought Trevor was honestly the coolest person he’d ever met.

Michael had always suspected that something went on with Amanda and Trevor/Brad or both of them. And when it happened, he honestly didn’t care. But as a little time passed, she got pregnant, and then they got married, it started to bug him. But too much time had passed for him to openly confront any of them about it, so he just stews in his suspicions and over-analyzes every interaction.

Everyone seems to agree that Michael was probably raised catholic. That being said, he doesn’t practice, and tells himself he doesn’t believe in anything but his ability to shoot a gun and take a life. But he still finds himself subconsciously “praying”, or something close, when bad things happen; and it’s a habit that pisses him off so badly.

He cannot handle spicy food, like, at all. He had chili with jalapeño in it once and cried because he honestly couldn’t even handle that.

Basically canon, but he always has to be in control, to the point of micromanaging everything everyone does. Brad and Trevor being so out of control back in the day was one of the main points of contention between them- because he couldn’t tell them exactly what to do.

One of the reasons he likes Franklin so well is because he does follow orders. He may question Michael, but he also wants to learn from him and so he’s easier to order around. He does genuinely like Franklin- obviously, but he loves being listened to like he’s the leader.

Big classic rock and old school country enjoyer. Lynyrd Skynyrd, AC/DC, Hank Williams Jr., etc.

He genuinely wishes Franklin was his son- he’s such a smart, adaptable, skilled young man that Michael wishes he could have raised him as his own and shown him the ropes from the get go.

Michael and Amanda genuinely try to love each other, but because of how their relationship started, it’s always been forced. And with Michael’s persistence to try to be “the perfect family”, he’s put even more strain on them to the point where she genuinely doesn’t feel like she can fit his image of what a family “should be”.

He secretly enjoys yoga, but he’d rather die than admit it to anyone.

He’s incredibly self conscious about himself. After becoming Michael De Santa, he had to let Michael Townley go. But Michael Townley was the dangerous stick up artist, he was the high school jock, he was a leader; to him, he was someone important. But Michael De Santa is just a fat, washed up, old man in a failing marriage with kids that resent him. And he’s honestly grown to hate being Michael De Santa.

[bugeyedfreaks]

Hi! First off, want to say I love the blog. Been keeping tracks of this account since 2014-2015. I always feel like I end up learning something new about the series here in one way or another. Also always appreciate the silly shitposts too.

I was hoping if you 'd be able to help me with something though, if that isn't too much of a bother. I'm slowly chipping away at an extensive PPG AU project and I've noticed that it's pretty difficult to find a lot of things I'm looking for. Particularly, I've been trying to find a reference for background characters in the show and compilations of what the interiors of various settings look like (such as the Professor's home, Mojo's layer, and Pokey Oaks Kindergarten). If you or anybody else has any resources for either of these things, or really any resources regarding character and set design pertaining to the series, I'd love to to know. I've mostly been getting my information from analyzing the cel-animated seasons of the show and was hoping there was a bit more. Once again, really love the blog and have for a long while. Apologies if I'm being a bother here. Have a good day! :]

Awww, hey, I’m glad you’ve been hanging around! I consider this to be the Mojo Jojo of PPG blogs: you can come here to not only find thoughtful, intelligent, well-written/curated posts about all manner of amazing PPG knowledge but also the goofiest most shitposty shitposts you’ve ever seen in your life. 😆 I strive for versatility!

As far as all of those settings go, I mean… you’re basically already doing the right thing already by watching straight from the source. Now, if you’re looking for some sort of production document listing out some canonically consistent layout of some of the locations in Townsville, you probably won’t find much since they would invent rooms and spaces in places like Mojo’s lair and the Utonium Chateau all the time out of necessity for whatever episode they were making. I’d just take everything from what you’ve already collected and kind of average it all out.

As for characters, check out this post by the amazing and talented @pumpkinpuffgirls that goes into detail about their designs. It’s more about constructing new OC designs that fit into the design sensibility of the show, but there are some production models in the post that might be helpful.

…now that I’m thinking about it, someone also once made a layout of the Utonium Chateau (in Japanese), although this is what I mean by averaging everything out: this isn’t canon, but it IS at least an average of some of the rooms/room placements that are seen in the show that you could use for stuff like AUs.

If I find anything else that could be useful I’ll add it here… but maybe those links could help as a start!

[apompkwrites]

Aster Anon here with another brainrot! This is more so personal headcanons and oc material, as the black sheep are intended to be us, therefore vary. Sheep 7 Best Classes and Clubs !

Lil Heart![Name]

Club: SCIENCE

Trey gets the opportunity to break down Lil RoseHeart's character. Plus imagining Rook going on energetic rants while Lil RoseHearts is confused is funny.

Best Subject: DEFENSE MAGIC

Riddle's best subject is Practical Magic. And what better way to symbolize their relationship than making their best subject opposites? Plus I feel like “Defense” fits them since they are a “take it all, don’t fight back.” kind of person.

Older Rose![Name]

Club: BAND

I was going to say equestrian but Riddle is there- so… They’re going with Papa Lilia, Kalim and Cater. I think that would be a really cool quartet!

Best Subject: Ancient Curses

I think it fits their rebellious personality well. I can also see them studying this instead of the material their mother intended.

Young Kingscholar![name]

Club: BASKETBALL

Just imagine Kingscholar![name] interacting with one of the most chaotic clubs. Floyd, Ace, and Jamil. It would be such a comedic group. I can also see them getting into more athletic clubs.

Best Subject: Animal Languages

Ruggie has this as one of his best subjects. And [Name] kinda had experiences with hyenas , sooooo. Match that up, and we get a cute scenario of the outland kids teaching [name] how to speak ant or sm.

Lil Ashen![name]

Club: BOARD GAME CLUB

Let's be fr, Azul and Lil Ashen don’t have a bad relationship. It's just circumstances that make it seem like so., I imagine Little Ashen joining the same club to ensure Azul’s doing okay, plus I think they’d have fun!

Best Subject: Magical Potions

Don’t ask. It just seems fitting. Plus Azul’s best is alchemy so it's a nice pairing.

Lil Asim![name]

Club: FILM STUDIES

Little Asim’s yearning to be recognized shines through here! On the extra tidbits, Vil runs this club. And Asim and Vil would make an excellent duo with how contrasted they are to one another.

Best Subject: Astrology

Don’t question me on this. I just know.

Lil Schoenheit![name]

Club: FILM STUDIES

This is probably the saddest one to me. But I imagine Vil forcing Lil Schoenheit to join it because he wants to.. help them get better at acting.

Best Subject: Magic Analysis

Again, I just know. A more angsty reason would be because they felt like they had (even if nobody was forcing it upon them) to analyze magic in television or documents to make their performance better.

Lil Shroud![name]

Club: MOUNTAIN LOVERS

Okay, canonically Jade doesn’t have any club members- but…. This is fanfiction so :P. I think it's funny because Idia is such a shut-in, and I like the idea of Lil Shroud wanting to go out and make friends, and just really enjoy nature. Then Shroud!name and Jade would be SO fun to see.

Best Subject: Conjuration

:( . . . (just like their older brother)

Lil Draconia![name]

Club: MAGISHIFT/SPELL DRIVE

This is so comedic and so fitting at the same time. I feel like Lil Draco would choose this because it's athletic and evolves using magic (so they can prove themselves.) and the fact LEONA is the club leader, Malleus’ enemy is SO funny. Like Leona legit going to Malleus like, “I stole your sibling overgrown lizard.”

Plus, I think Ruggie, and Epel would be an awesome pair for Lil Draco.

Best Subject: History of Magic

A personal headcanon of mine is Lil Draco loves hearing stories from elders, or reading stuff off the internet. So I can see them studying and reading books about world history! And they’re fae, so it makes sense all the while.

hihi aster anon :D

cute cute lil hcs for your versions of the black sheep :))

just the duality between rook and lil rose plus the middle man trey ajsdkhsjd. and then lil rose being able to use defense magic??

versus older rosehearts who just did anything to defy ms. rosehearts? like doing band but instruments that aren't formal or anything? and then learning ancient curses? imagine them trying to use them on ms. rosehearts qakjwdshak

ugh just imagine lil kingscholar throwing a basketball at the elders. healing moment fr. hhh and then just thinking about nuru, jabali, and jabori all teaching lil kingscholar animal languages :OO my heart hhhh

mmm lil asim being good at astrology D: maybe because they spent so long watching kalim and one of their lil siblings go on magic carpet rides in the middle of the night ;-;

[quiznak-ofgrayskull]

Um. I think I just wrote a whole essay on Ninjago love triangles I'm so sorry.

Has anyone ever touched on the parallels that Ninjago draws with its two love triangles? Like. Nya and Misako, Jay and Wu, and Cole and Garmadon (as the love triangles are presented in canon). Like I know both love triangles were shoehorned in, blah blah blah, but I enjoy the trope shush.

So like both Misako and Nya (until her elemental powers were revealed to her) were both normal people who were stuck with all the cool elemental masters.

Jay and Wu were the usual "good guy" in accordance to how love triangles must work, that the person typically ends up with. Falls in line with the "young Wu was an absolute dumbass" hc (is it canon? idk-) as well as with both of them being a bit more romantic in nature (the awkward s1 date, and the sappy love letter)

And Cole and Garmadon are the "bad boy" alternative (once more in accordance to Love Triangle Rules, and possibly one of the main reasons the Nya Jay Cole love traingle does not work - Cole doesn't fit this), and they come in to disrupt the "endgame" couple. And character parallels are a bit more difficult to draw because Cole really doesn't fit this, but I suppose they could both be more subdued characters (compared to Jay and young Wu), as well as not very romantic in nature (Garmadon not writing his own sappy love letter (that we know of), Cole in general). Cole is definitely more level headed than Garmadon but still.

And then where the relationships diverge: The endgames. Because Misako actually went with the "bad boy" character, which from what I've seen doesn't happen often. That sort of character is typically there to add tension for the inevitable endgame, but Misako actually did choose Garmadon.

And Nya chose Jay, which does fall in line with the actual love triangle logistics.

I'm not good enough at analyzing things to pinpoint exactly what this means about the characters, if it were to mean anything at all. Like, is there technically a right choice? Is the "good" guy the right choice, and did Nya learn from Misako's errors? Did Misako make a specific error that Nya never even had to face? Did Nya make the wrong choice because she'd never considered anything else before? (Or are they different characters under different circumstances in which different choices were made, may the be good or bad?) And listen, I am well aware that the love triangle isn't good writing. I enjoy it because I am stupid. But if there was a point trying to be made, I think it's interesting.

Plus how it affects the relationships between the romantic rivals. Brothers and best friends, respectfully. Like, the rift that it creates between both groups, and the friendships that have the potential to be destroyed over romance- which is actually quite rare from what I've seen in these tropes. Typically the romantic rivals aren't so close? They know each other, of course, but rarely is their own relationship being compromised a focal point. And yeah, I know it's annoying to see romance being put on a pedestal above friendship, but it's also just interesting to me.

Like, Misako, and Wu and Garmadon's rivalry mattered so much to the two of them that years later, Wu got mad over the letter. Like, as adults, that affected them. And Jay and Cole being able to resolve it, and be friends despite it is also very cool to me.

And Wu being hung up on it shows the general lack of resolution that he got from that. He might have been waiting for a response for his letter, that he put all his heart into (to the point he forgot to sign it), only to find out, in a letter from Misako he had hoped would be for himself (or maybe one from his brother), that the two were together. Maybe that stung a bit, that Misako hadn't even mentioned his letter. Maybe he wondered about it, why she never mentioned it one bit. Maybe he put the pieces together, but brushed it aside as jealous speculation, in favor of trying to support his brother. Maybe that's why he got so angry when he found out.

And I think we can agree that it never really mattered as much to Cole as it did to Jay, which also makes for an interesting dynamic. Their friendship was strained more so from the rivalry than the romantic rivalry. Jay was super invested in it, and Cole probably just wanted things to go back to normal (maybe he was just competitive, or got carried away in general). And I think Jay and Cole's friendship being more important, and resolved first, is actually really cool. I really love that scene in season four, always have.

Not to mention Jay and Cole being separated for a long period of time between seasons 3 and 4, which let feelings, and misdirected anger and grief fester. At that point, it was a lot more than Nya.

Same with Wu and Garmadon, probably. Not so much canon evidence, but I can imagine that after so much, they got bitter over the whole thing, too. Wu did, at least.

Okay I think that's it? If anyone wants me to rant more about the ninjago love triangles I will do so gladly (clearly). Though I severely doubt there's a market for this. Pretty sure it's one of the least favorite writing decisions ever made in the show. That does not stop me though-

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, 16yo girl here. I had been questioning what my MBTI type was between ENTP and INTP for quite a long time - I had known that Ti and Ne were always at the top of my stack, but not which one was stronger... until yesterday, when I reflected back on my sheltered upbringing and I came to the conclusion that I was an ENTP, just one with very marked introvert tendencies and possible developmental delays due to combination of a stifled dominant function and possibly autism.

That stifling of Ne is also probably why I have only become more reclusive as time went on - I spent most of my time as a child either at school, the same small private school I've been going to since 1st grade, or at home, mostly on my computer. While in the surface my time on the internet allowed me to have easy access to novelty, it is still doing the same thing over and over again on a grander scale.

Meanwhile, I never managed to truly "fit in" at school, and after starting to make amends with my old friends at the end of sixth grade the pandemic happened, which pretty much meant that the only thing I'd be doing for two years was basically staring at screens all day. Once I returned back to school, I started feeling 'othered' again, and even as I found out it was partially over my own immaturity, I still feel like I will not actually become part of the group right now, that I should just grind it out until it ends, that college, due to the new environment and size will be the time I'll truly begin to shine - further proven by how excited I was when I went to one of the unis I was considering's open day recently.

Meanwhile, my ISTJ mother won't stop comparing me negatively to my brother and on how he was so similar to her in personality compared to me, always implying that I turned out "off" in some way or another, even if she's usually well-meaning.

Thoughts?

-----------------------

I don't guess at type. You've only speculated about one possible function, which is nowhere near enough info to draw any kind of sound conclusion. I generally won't comment on type assessment unless people follow the instructions on the contact page to submit a proper profile of themselves. In short, I won't have any "thoughts" if you don't give me enough to analyze.

You've basically described typical adolescent adjustment issues that anyone of any type can suffer. It is not uncommon for teens to have trouble fitting in. Why? Because they are still in the process of learning good social skills. When you're at the "beginner" level of learning anything, your ideas tend to be very primitive or crude. Thus, from the teenage perspective, socializing often boils down to the idea of "approval", which is taken to mean EITHER be like everyone else OR be an outsider.

Either/or thinking is a form of illogical thinking that creates a false dichotomy, essentially reducing your world to only two possibilities. You said that not being able to find your group right now, maybe it would be better to just leave it until college - once again, your world only has two possibilities. This kind of oversimplified thinking is normal in children and teens, but it is considered a sign of cognitive immaturity in adults (as their thinking hasn't evolved since adolescence). It's not something for you to be concerned about but, rather, something to be aware of and gradually improved upon.

When compared to full-formed adults, young people (<25) are limited in several ways:

They lack life experience, so they haven't had enough time to learn all the knowledge and skills they need to live life well.

They lack cognitive resources to understand complexity because the brain hasn't reached physical maturity yet.

They lack emotional resources to cope with difficulty because the brain is still feeling the effects of changes that began in puberty.

They might also lack confidence due to too many environmental factors being out of their control.

They might also lack direction due to not having access to enough learning resources they need for self-development.

They might also lack purpose due to not having enough access to positive role models, guides, or mentors to help them see the bigger picture of life.

I mention these things not to make teens feel shamed and ashamed for what they naturally lack, but to make them aware of where their potential lies. Your "weaknesses" are just as important for realizing your greater human potential as your "strengths". Weaknesses make plenty of room for learning, development, change, growth, evolution, and transformation... BUT this is assuming you know how to confront weaknesses in the right way. So, reflect: How have you responded to your weaknesses, as signaled through your mistakes and failures?

How do you respond to lack of life experience? Do you keep it that way by locking yourself away? Do you waste your time with trivial experiences? Do you seek out meaningful learning experiences?

How do you respond to lack of cognitive resources for understanding complexity? Do you just reduce everything into oversimplistic ideas? Do you avoid complex situations? Do you study them to grow your understanding? Do you get help for understanding them?

How do you respond to lack of emotional resources for handling difficulty? Do you numb yourself? Do you run or escape from negative feelings? Do you seek appropriate help and support? Do you set out to learn healthy coping skills and strategies?

How do you respond to lack of confidence? Do you shit-talk yourself more and more? Do you write off your future? Do you assert more independence? Do you take more control whenever possible? Do you improve your knowledge, skills, and capabilities?

How do you respond to lack of direction? Do you give up on yourself? Do you resign yourself to the status quo? Do you learn how to make better decisions for yourself? Do you learn how to set and achieve more fulfilling goals?

How do you respond to lack of purpose? Do you settle for less? Do you resign yourself to being small? Do you ignore existential pain? Do you seek answers? Do you set higher aspirations? Do you commit yourself to greater ideals?

Adjustment issues are very likely to get expressed through auxiliary development problems. Since you're unsure about your type, the most I can say is that healthy Ti encourages people to 1) analyze and learn from mistakes/failures, and 2) identify and acquire the knowledge/skills required to eventually succeed. If your response to failure is dismissal, evasion, withdrawal, or avoidance, it means you are choosing to get stuck at a low level of competency indefinitely.

If you are able to get past the beginner level in socializing, you'll start to realize the false dichotomy and how self-sabotaging it really is. Socializing is much more nuanced and complex than "insider vs outsider", and there are more options available than "conform vs rebel". This raises the question of what other options are available to you - it is a question for your Ne to answer.

Yes, it's true that you can't be friends with everyone. But you don't need to be friends with everyone, do you? You only need a handful of close friends who understand you in order to have a satisfying social life. They don't have to come from school or the usual places. They can come through other activities. They can come from all demographics or backgrounds.

Growing up in a small environment puts you in danger of thinking too small all the time. The key is you have to recognize that the world is a big place, so you have to start putting yourself out there to find the friends of best fit. The more people you meet, the more you increase your odds of success. Whether you try now or later isn't the right point to focus on. You're not going to find what you're looking for as long as: you don't actually get up to look, you have absolutely no system or plan for proceeding, and/or you don't have the skills to keep relationships even when you do find good people. You need real-life social experience if you want to improve your social skills. The sooner you get started, the better. It's unrealistic to think that you'll magically be great at relationships just because you started college.

I know options can be limited at your age but 16 is generally the age when teens really start to venture out into the world on their own (without parents/guardians). In many places, you can drive and work at 16. You can start exploring places you've never been to around town. You can join more extracurricular activities/clubs that would put you in contact with people beyond your school. I shouldn't have to tell an ENTP to go out and explore, as you should simply follow your natural Ne motivation. If that motivation is absolutely nowhere to be found, then perhaps reconsider your type.

[theresistanceneverquits]

So this last week was OCD Awareness Week and it got me thinking about how in TMNT 2012, Donnie was “confirmed” to have obsessive-compulsive disorder. (A writer who worked on the show confirmed it.) However, as someone with OCD I have never related to Donnie, and I’ve recently been rewatching the series with this knowledge in mind and still have not seen any good evidence of representation from him.

However, I feel like a character that actually displays themes of OCD well is Leo. I will say that my view of Leo’s OCD-coding is more based on his mentality, as opposed to actually showing signs of rituals or anything. This is me acknowledging that in-canon he does not exhibit Actual signs of OCD (neither does Donnie), but rather that his mentality better reflects OCD than Donnie’s does, to the point where I’ve related to Leo at times because of these themes.

There are also aspects that overlap with Leo possibly having ptsd and/or depression in the series, but I am making this analysis to educate you about how OCD works regardless, as I feel there is still something to be learned from headcanons and theories when it comes to analysis. I will also analyze how Donnie’s traits that can be skewed to represent OCD actually better fit a diagnosis of autism, using research provided to me by some friends who are autistic.

Onto the analysis! Starting with Donnie, there were a few traits I was able to identify that could work as OCD. He’s neat and organized, dislikes change, and hyperfixates on his work. He also had that chart to help him ask out April, which shows his need for preparation. However, his chart was in preparation for the sake of a goal, whereas for OCD the “preparation” is like preparing for a tragedy that will never exist. And the chart is being used to avoid social conflict as opposed to his own internal anxiety. These traits are not caused by a need to satisfy intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but are rather how he processes his environment better. Donnie would feel frustrated, off-kilter, and overwhelmed if his routines were messed with. Leo attaches more of a moral weight to the actions in his routines.

So that brings me to how Donnie shows signs of being autistic. He tends to explain things and volunteer information when the situation doesn’t call for it, and especially during dire situations. An interesting parallel is how in Rise of the TMNT, Donnie is canonically autistic; in the Rise Movie Donnie says, “Data collection calms me down.” In the season 2 finale of 2012, Donnie tells Leo that oversharing and being technical is “how I deal with stress!”

Donnie also stims, such as often sticking out his tongue when he works. He is also very particular about the layout of his stuff in his lab, and shows great distress when someone (Mikey) messes with his stuff. He doesn’t want to feel out of control of his environment in his own workspace. He also tends to take things literally, such as when Raph said “Could we pick a more cliche way to get eaten?” sarcastically, and Donnie proceed to list off actual cliches to Raph’s annoyance.

Finally, Donnie sometimes experiences sensory discomfort. When Mikey spilled “greasy popcorn” all over Donnie, Donnie was enraged, noting the fact that it was greasy in particular. Additionally, at a point where all the Turtles get sprayed with monster guts, Donnie’s initial reaction is to ask for hand sanitizer. While washing your hands and being clean is a common OCD trait, Donnie’s concern here is with because of the texture and germs associated.

Leo’s turn!

Okay so before we get to how 2012 Leo is OCD-coded, I want to point out that Leo actually definitely has OCPD in every version except for Rise and you can fight me on that. “Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control (with no room for flexibility) that ultimately slows or interferes with completing a task;” Leo is consistently portrayed as being a controlling perfectionist. Additionally, “OCPD is a personality disorder, which means it involves personality traits that are stable, long-held, atypical, and problematic in some way. In the case of OCPD, people with this condition may find it hard to relate to others, and their devotion to perfectionism and rigid control can make it difficult to function.” This is Leo to a T. Others around him get annoyed with these traits in him, and these traits make up many of his definitive personality traits across the franchise. This side note aside, we may move on to OCD.

I am reiterating here that my purpose is to show how Leo’s themes as a character and in his story reflect those of obsessive-compulsive disorder and am seeking to analyze and educate based on that. I am not arguing that he canonically has OCD. That being said, his themes align best with the subtype of moral scrupulosity OCD, which has people obsess over the morality of their thoughts and actions and often seek outside help to distinguish the truth.

Some basics of Leo’s character that fit OCD themes: he has several episodes of panic, recurring nightmares about his worst fears, he’s controlling and a perfectionist, and thinks something bad will happen if he isn’t at his best and puts all that pressure on himself alone. People with OCD tend to believe that bad things happen because of certain things that they do or don’t do, regardless of how accurate that belief is (it is not an accurate belief). They also can seem oddly controlling to others as they try to gauge certain no-no actions from those around them. Additionally, in “Fungus Humongous,” Leo says, “I face my fear every day.” OCD is run by fear and paranoia, and we too face our fears every day. Fun fact: I like to watch “Parisitica” and “Fungus Humongous” when I’m feeling low because of how relatable I find Leo’s struggles in them.

FINALE SPOILERS: Finally, a symptom of OCD includes “Aggressive or horrific thoughts about losing control and harming yourself or others,” which I feel parallels in Mutant Apocalypse, when Leo attacks his family in a crazed state. He becomes just like the Shredder at this moment; a direct contradiction to his worst fear of losing them. He becomes double mutated because he chose to save his family over himself.

Examining now how Leo’s struggles line up with the morality theme, it’s like his brain is giving him ultimatums and black and white statements about ‘ok you have to be THIS or else THIS will happen.’ In a smaller scale, he would rather do training “right” than quickly, like in that scene where Leo’s doing his katas slower than his brothers and he makes a jab at them for their ‘poor’ form.’ Another interesting example comes with how he is consistently obsessed with finding and helping Karai throughout the series. He feels an intense sense of responsibility about it, even in situations when it really seems out of their hands, either because of wacky circumstances or because of her own actions. He says he's doing it for Splinter, but Splinter has already reassured him several times that he doesn't NEED to. His obsession conflicts with the interests of literally his entire family; it’s a situation that is linked with his morality. Leo is a very kind person who sees the best in people and wants to help them. Karai is his sister and his father’s daughter; he takes it as his personal responsibility to save her—a savior complex born from this obsession.

Now I wanna talk about Leo’s fears and where he turns to deal with them. OCD thrives off of people “Doubting and having difficulty tolerating uncertainty.” The next few sections includes major spoilers for the season 4 finale as well as talk of Main Character Death, so feel free to skip this section. Season 4’s space arc and events taking place after “Requiem” show intense examples of this for Leo. While a part of his actions here are likely due to ptsd and/or depression, it also parallels well with how OCD works.

Leo often goes to his father for advice. However, in the space arc when he’s separated from Splinter and in season 5 when Splinter is dead, Leo still has a need to seek advice and validation from his father. It is a response of grief, but it’s also his way of feeling like he’s getting guidance in a time when he doesn’t trust himself. This is similar to the reassurance-seeking compulsion, where someone with OCD goes to an outside source to entertain whatever thoughts the OCD has come up with, instead of just letting those thoughts go. Leo talking with Splinter practically every day via hologram in the space arc is his coping mechanism during that time, but even his brothers view it as excessive. It’s as if it’s the only thing tethering him during that time where he has little stability.

Additionally, ruminating is seen in the form of Leo constantly focusing on Splinter’s death, both in the space arc and post-“Requiem.” “OCD obsessions are repeated, persistent and unwanted thoughts, urges or images that are intrusive and cause distress or anxiety;” in “Trans-Dimensional Turtles” in the space arc, Leo is talking with the past version of Splinter and sees a vision of him being stabbed by the Shredder. This flashback is presented as something he is constantly thinking and worried about; very little else consumes his thoughts. The ptsd overlap once again occurs here, but I am pointing out that it is this sort of rumination that people with OCD experience often.

Finally, people with OCD “may try to ignore or stop [their] obsessions, but that only increases [their] distress and anxiety.” In the space arc, Leo is slowly being put through it, until he snaps near the end of the arc, going off on a suicide mission alone when he thinks they’ve been led astray by Fugitoid. No one in his family brought up their concerns for his mental well-being to him, and when not surrounded by his family he expressed his doubts and fears. But most of the time for those 6 months Leo spent in denial, singularly focused on their mission to save Earth and Master Splinter. It wasn’t until that vision was seemingly put in jeopardy that he finally snapped and acted reckless to the point of nearly dying. Leo simultaneously indulged in his obsessions while consciously ignoring their existence while in the presence of others, and that led to him being in great distress.

2012 Donnie is not at all a representation of obsessive-compulsive disorder past being the “smart character,” but he is a good representation of autism, whether intentional or not. Leonardo, while not explicitly being a character with OCD, does carry similar themes that make for a relatable OCD-coded character.

Here’s my contribution to OCD Awareness Week. You are now Aware.

Special Thanks:

@/sailor_the_robot on Insta for practically co-writing this with me. Much of this essay includes direct quotes from her.

@phoenixquill-art for her help as well with Donnie’s analysis!

@mej2235 for beta reading :3

Sources:

[mistydeyes]

hey, i wanted to ask for a cod mw2 pairing if possible

I’m black (dark skinned) and around 5’7. I am plus sized but do try to be active in the pool. I normally wear glasses since that’s what i’m used to but I will wear contacts depending on what im doing that day or if i want to be extra with my makeup. My natural hair is either braided back or in twists so i can have a break from long braids or twists. I do have a decent collection of wigs which i try to take care of.

I am very smiley to the point where it’s stuck on my face. I care deeply for those im close with and my family. I am trying to build self confidence but I never let someone random try and ruin my day. I really like reading, listening to music, cooking/baking, and learning about anything (chemistry, embroidery, music production, etc).

For my future, i am hoping to become a foreign service officer or work for the cia as i study international relations and my current foreign language i’m taking is Chinese. I want to do that for a while and then transition to teaching as a way to inspire kids and help them understand intersectionality in daily life.

For my ideal partner, I would like someone who can just understand me. I love quality time and just enjoying each other’s company. I also have a huge habit of spoiling others and wanting to be spoiled almost every month. I also prefer talking in person as that feels more intimate than texting (unless we’ve been together for a while then texting is fine)

thank you for when ever you get to this!!!!

Phillip Graves (a/n BRO this man has such husband potential if he wasn't an absolute asshole but anon you sound like the coolest person ever and I hope that everything goes well with your major!)

How you met: Government "Morning, agent," the front guard greeted as you underwent security, "got a new wig I see." "You know it, have to use my government salary for something," you joked before entering the elevator. Working for the CIA had its perks, while you enjoyed a cushy salary, the amazing health insurance, and loan forgiveness, you were never able to have a great relationship outside of work. People got a little too nosy when on dates you told them you worked in the "private sector." The doors of the elevator began to close before a hand reached out to stop it. A blonde man who looked like he was more fit to be on a modeling shoot stepped in with a smile. "Looks like we're going to the same floor," he commented and stood next to you as the elevator ascended. You stood in the peaceful silence before he spoke up again. "Didn't know the government hired such gorgeous employees," he flirted and you smiled a little bit wider. "I'm sure they looked at my resume and not my face," you replied as you looked up at him. You couldn't deny he was handsome but you had been down this road before with other DC boys that weren't worth your time. "Well with a face like yours, I'm sure you come highly decorated." God this man was a smooth talker. As you came closer to your destination, he sighed dreamily. "The name's Phillip, hope to see you around, doll face," he winked at you before exiting. It wasn't until later that day when you entered a debrief with your superiors that you saw Phillip's blue eyes light up as you sat down and return his gaze.

A peek into your relationship: Anniversaries were the gift giving Olympics for you and Phillip. Every year you tried to one-up the other. Last year, you took the cake by giving him a sports car that he dreamed of ever since he became the CEO of the Shadow Company. You knew this year, he would be trying to outdo you. What you weren't expecting was being showered with gifts the day before your 5th anniversary. After a long day analyzing some Chinese intel, you entered your Georgetown apartment to the scent of thousands of roses. "Surprise, sweetheart," your boyfriend greeted as he kissed you gently. "Philip I thought our anniversary was tomorrow," you exclaimed as he pulled you into his arms. "Doesn't mean I can't spoil you today," he replied, "Now get dressed, I have something special prepared for you." Your laughter echoes through the hallway as you entered your bedroom. On the bed lay a dress that looked like it was spun from pure gold. You gasped as you put the silky fabric on and saw how it complimented your skin. Underneath the dress was a matching purse, an expensive brand you had only dreamed of owning. You opened it as you exited the hallway and saw a small white box on the inside. You delicately opened it as you made your way back to Graves. You could only hold a hand over your mouth as you saw a beautiful gold ring, adorned with crystals in an extravagant baguette shape. "Surprise gorgeous," Phillip replied before getting down on one knee. You hand to hand it to him, he gave you the best gift you could ever want.

[chaoslynx]

hey chaos, i think you said once that all your ashes are autistic… could u elaborate on this headcanon? 🤗 i also noticed some of your ashes self soothe via rocking motions, is this an autistic ash specific action..?

I do headcanon Ash as autistic! I don't necessarily go out of my way to write him that way, but I have noticed that I kind of always have, even before I actively started thinking about the headcanon.

Here's some stuff from canon that supports the theory!

Ash upon first meeting Max: “Yeah I read all your columns! I didn’t like them.” And then he doesn’t understand why that’s not a compliment.

Ash took years of etiquette classes, essentially learning how to mask, but still struggles when he’s not actively putting the effort in.

Special interests! His hyperfixation on learning, math, books.

He’s a picky eater.

We know Ash is brilliant, but he struggles with emotional intelligence. Clearly gets a little confused with interpersonal relationships, like his brain not working when it comes to Eiji.

Ash not understanding why his joke to Eiji about modeling (and it being more difficult than CP) falls flat. You can see the moment where he’s, like, “… Wait. That didn’t work.” And then he changes the subject.

“If he’s so smart, how did Ash not notice that anything was wrong with Shorter when he was working for Yue?” He trusted Shorter, and wasn’t able to pick up on the indicators that Shorter was behaving differently until it was too late. Another big reason Ash blames himself for everything that went down there.

Honestly a lot of the "if Ash is so smart, why did he [xyz]?" work well with this headcanon, esp if you consider IQ and EQ (emotional intelligence quota) as separate spectrums.

Black and white thinking patterns. The fandom often considers Blanca morally gray, but Ash? Ash thinks Blanca is 100% correct and trusts him when he says that Ash is bad for Eiji.

During Angel Eyes, Ash essentially has a meltdown when Shorter goes off script and acts socially unpredictable, as Shorter is prone to do. Later this is actually an asset for the two of them as friends, but they’re not there yet.

The way Ash seems to analyze others' behavior at times, like how he thinks of human behavior as almost a puzzle or challenge to solve, something that can be predicted and quantified.

I haven't thought of my fics' Ash's self soothe rocking or hugging himself as necessarily tied into the autism headcanon, but it definitely could be! I have kind of ... I guess a wholistic approach to writing a character? I don't think about "okay Ash is doing this because he's autistic, but he does this because of trauma, and then this because of an inherent personality trait, versus this is socialized and learned behavior, and--" but more like ... "taking Ash's entire character into account, this is how I think he would react in this situation." We might not see him exhibit all of these behaviors in canon, but my fics present a different situation than canon. In particular, fic often allows Ash to show more vulnerability than he usually did onscreen in canon, both post canon and during missing scenes.

I do the same thing for my original characters (both in fics and novels); I often don't have a character's whole backstory and personality planned out when I start writing them. Instead, I just have a person in mind who fits the story, and then allow their "character sheet" (so to speak) fall into place.

[regnumaves]

WHAT MAKES A PERSONALITY

A template for analyzing features of a personality beyond listing adjectives.

SELF-CONCEPT

View of Self: A king responsible for the safety and prosperity of his people. Beneath the tough exterior of the savage and unforgiving warrior who brings retribution and doom to his and his subjects’ enemies, lies a caring leader who will go to great lengths to ensure the well-being and comfort of those he cares for and would readily lay down his life for them.

View of Others: Ranges widely and changes at the drop of a hat depending on their actions. Starts with cherished friends and trusted allies, and ends with scumbags he wishes he could kill more than just once. Tibarn takes a while to begin trusting new people he meets. He wants to, but he has been burned several times, and he has seen the full extent of both beorc and laguz cruelty. However, once shown that someone is worthy of his trust, he only sees it fit to repay it, becoming a faithful ally who stands by them until the end.

View of World: A curious place that seems to only grow larger as he continues to discover new skies. In his own words, the world should be “noisy, vibrant and chaotic”; it’s filled with creatures big and small of various species and properties, and they should all have the right to existence, so long as they don’t threaten the existence of others. With Hawks generally leading carefree lives of flying and hunting, I believe Tibarn to be pretty in tune with the concept of a circle of life, and imagine he doesn’t like seeing it disrupted.

Motivations & Goals: Lead his people well and protect them. Save their Heron brethren from complete annihilation. Protect the laguz, their rights and their freedom, both through warfare and at a diplomatic table.

What they Value Most: Loyalty, honesty, honor, sticking to one’s ideals.

EMOTIONAL REACTIONS

Reaction to Stress: In front of others, Tibarn cannot show weakness. I do believe he genuinely does not get stressed or nervous easily, and even when he does, he does not allow it to get the better of him (see also: burning of Phoenicis). Instead he remains focused, serving his role as the pillar of stability that his men can flock around in a moment of doubt. It will affect him later and he will probably need someone like Reyson to help him get it out, because otherwise he just strangles it all inside him - but no matter what, he will not show it in front of everyone.

Reaction to Fear: Pretty much same as above. Fear is an emotion Tibarn does not feel often honestly, the main situations I can think of where he would have felt it were Leanne’s kidnapping by the Black Knight and, again, the burning of Phoenicis, specifically when he first got the news - and his response would be the same as to stress, except he would also react with anger and swear vengeance. Tibarn never really fears for himself - only ever for others.

Reaction to Success: Pretty standard, I’d say. Joy and satisfaction, naturally. May boast a little, but means it in a good-natured way. Will encourage his allies to look on the bright side of things and enjoy the success they’ve achieved before thinking again about whatever doom and gloom still hands above their head.

Reaction to Failure: Remains focused and tries to keep his people calm and under control. Always looks for ways out, ones that don’t necessarily have to involve him making it out. Thinks about the safety of others long before his own - in a situation such as a lost battle, would be ready and willing to risk himself to ensure that his people and his allies make it out safely.

DEVELOPMENT

Ideal Self: Above all else, a strong king who is able to achieve anything that his people need him to achieve, and never fails them again.

Areas of Growth: Moving past his distrust. Forgiving himself for previous failings. Learning to let go of past grudges more easily, instead of allowing them to direct his actions for years or decades. Continuing to develop both combat and diplomacy skills. Maybe if possible becoming less weak to crossbows because god damn that 50 damage to the face is a BITCH—

Barriers to Growth: Stubbornness and vindictiveness. Inability or at least struggling to let go of things. Also while he thinks before he jumps into things, he is also headstrong and impatient and sometimes it shows.

[the-last-hipopotamovolador]

People on this app have to learn to see people (and characters) not as horrible monsters or angels who could never do anything wrong in their life. Idealizing and dehumanizing people/characters is an empty form of analysis that is based on the childish criteria that people are intrinsically and totally good (angels or heroes) or that people are intrinsically and completely evil (villains). THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE WORK. (And if you want a realistic character, it shouldn't fall into those categories either)

Labeling a person/character as a monster even though they have done the worst unimaginable things is totally counterproductive to the discourse of social justice and human rights. As long as we cannot put aside that childish idea that there are people who are born evil (they are born "monsters") or that cruelty appears in people just because, we will never be able to correctly analyze the cruelest behaviors that people commit (rape, torture, genocide, hate speech, etc) and so, we will not be able to understand it's "reasons to exist" meaning what feelings, social pressures and stimuli cause the violent behaviour. To eradicate the violence of humanity once and for all we have to be extremely aware that ALL PEOPLE ARE THE PRODUCT OF A COMBINATION OF FACTORS WHERE THE SOCIAL CONTEXT AND PERSONAL HISTORY ARE INSEPARABLE FROM THE PERSON AND THEIR WAYS OF THINKING AND ACTING. People are not born bad (or good) we are formed as people by learning from our environment, VIOLENCE AND HATE ARE LEARNED (AND TAUGHT). THERE ARE NO MONSTERS OR ANGELS, WE ARE ALL HUMAN PRODUCTS OF SOCIETY. Classifying someone as a "monster" only leads to the ERRONOUS idea that their cruel way of acting was inevitable since they lack humanity, WHEN IN REALITY HUMAN SOCIETY IS THE ONLY GUILTY OF GENERATING "MONSTERS". As humans who have spent centuries living in societies dominated by hatred, wars, racism, exploitation, abuse, misogyny and any type of violence imaginable, we have to ASSUME that all that is a HUMAN product, as a society we have to take responsibility of our "monsters", assume them as people who are what they are because of everything they have lived and learned and actually do research on how violence and hatred is taught and learned in order to stop the circle of violence through EDUCATION.

Other things that seem very obvious but evidently a lot of people on tumblr don't seem to understand:

1. UNDERSTANDING why a person is the way they are and act the way they do, DOES NOT MEAN believing that their violent acts cannot or should not be judged and punished. (I can understand the reasons that led a baby to become a abusive man, but that does NOT MEAN that I believe his actions are correct or that he cannot be judged for his actions.)

2. FEELING SORRY FOR A PERSON IN A MOMENT OF "WEAKNESS" DOES NOT MEAN LIKING THAT PERSON OR BEING UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE THAT THEY HAD GENERATED A LOT OF DAMAGE TO OTHERS (with the same example I can find out stuff about the life of the abusive man that makes me feel actually sorry for him but that does not mean that I will stop believing that he is an abusive person and that his abusive acts should be judged) FEELING EMPATHY FOR THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS IS TOTALLY HUMAN AND DOES NOT IMPLY LIKE OR SUPPORT TO SAID PERSON.

3. liking a fictional character who is abusive, toxic, violent, etc. DOES NOT MEAN YOU APPROVE THEIR ACTIONS (NEITHER IN FICTION OR IN REAL LIFE). There are many characters that I like that are extremely violent and that does not mean that I am a fan of violence itself, there are cruel characters or characters that act violently that I like because I consider that they are very well constructed characters and that they are very realistic/representative of how humanity works (something that I personally really like to see in fiction).

LIKING A VIOLENT CHARACTER BECAUSE IT IS WELL WRITTEN AND BECAUSE THEY FIT WELL INTO THE STORY/ FICTIONAL UNIVERSE IS NOT THE SAME AS LOVING AND SUPPORTING VIOLENT REAL PEOPLE.

[makingspiritualityreal]

On Spiritual Leadership

Many people have role models, gurus and authority figures they look up to. They view them as perfect, composed, imagining that they know everything and they can do anything, because they feel so good about themselves. Few realize, that to arrive at any sort of actual clarity, one must first thread the path of uncertainty.

It is my uncertainty, that forced me into the path of deeper contemplation. Any answers that I have provided to you, I have, because I know how it feels to desperately want to understand life, and struggle to do so.

When the restricted comfort of clear answers that my family disciplined environment provided stopped being enough, I was feeling so lost, it provoked me into a path of questioning. It forced the search through already established schools of thought, classical academic or spiritual, analyzing other people's lives, values and ideas, for me to try to find out who I am, only to find out who I'm not. It forced me to be stuck under other people's opression and influence, to know exactly how I can accept to be influenced, and what I won't allow.

It is through that confusion and exploration, that I was able to find and communicate the ideas that my mind gave birth to in the process, that I share with the collective, hoping they are of some value. Despite that, I grew to understand that ultimately, nothing and noone can dictate who you are for you. Not Astrology, Tarot, Human design, not any school of thought or esoteric science. Not your job, friends or even your partner or your loved ones. It is your own individual take on all of the energies above and your filter of how you experience them, that creates the idea of who you are. It is going to be your individual expression and how you yourself relate to other people, that will define YOU. Trying to strictly fit into anything only takes you so far in life, as it soon becomes a prison and destiny inevitably pushes you further on your journey.

Maybe that's the person I am for now. Maybe I'm supposed to be searching, until I experience and find something solid. Maybe I'm supposed to not know, until a certain point. Maybe there is value in the quest, even if it feels so rocky, even if it feels daunting and scary, like I can't find my feet. Maybe it's just the fear of not having anything solid to dictate my life for me that is scary. And maybe I should embrace it, and accept that whatever works, works as long as I'm happy, even if it's just for now, and that it's ok to experiment with that and change it if necessary. Maybe there is value in the journey because it takes me away from the narrow confines of thinking that life is always black and white and blind obedience would always work in my favour. Maybe I'll always be in this state, and the point is to realise that there are no absolutes in life, and you have to learn how to navigate it as you go.

There is no model to life. There is no guidebook. At the end of the day, it is your adventure, your experience, and you decide what you do with it. Noone can, or should try to tell you what to do, not even a higher force, which you are after all a part of. All that matters is how connected you are to yourself.

That can scare many of us, because in one way or another, we are often raised to adapt or conform to other people's values. I certainly was, because of my south node in the 8th house, which became a comfort zone. Yet for years now I have been pushed to try to find my own path (2nd house dasha)....and it hasn't been an easy quest, as it left a trail of suffering on its way. People rarely treated me well, when I tried to find or establish myself, because when you take a stand for yourself, everyone around you who never has taken a stand for anything authentic ends up feeling uncomfortable.

There were many moments I wished I never felt lost, scared or directionless. I look back on my earlier life, growing up feeling so pressured to be what everyone else told me to be. Forced to adapt to someone else's idea of me, so that I'm loved and accepted, and hating that. Growing up breaking this pattern, and wishing I stopped being so afraid of punishment for doing so.

It can feel impossible to fight off external influences, when you haven't solidified in your own power yet. When someone comes at you, you find yourself wishing you knew what to respond to that. It can make you scared of fighting people. Not knowing what to defend myself with. Taking your time to find any solid preferences you can find inside yourself, that would be unquestionable. Feeling vague about the few hunches you have.

After you fight all these battles for your self identity, you arrive at realising, that like everyone else, you just want to be happy. That you just don't want to get hurt by people, like you did in the past. That you want to be able to exist without someone forcing you to fit the mold, that you want to feel the freedom of self expression.

You are allowed your quest. You are allowed your journey, even if you don't know where it's going. Because wherever you are, it is a step closer than yesterday. Tomorrow, you will go even further. In a few years, you might not recognize yourself. There is something inside you, that knows the way. Trust it. 

[orphancookie69]

Business Venturing 101: Beginning and Endings

Business. It has changed so much over the years, but its a fundamental to life. You can see business in power struggles, trade, and the growth of the current day and age.

Story time folks. I will tell a story that I hope someone learns from. I will tell it in a way that is a little bit anonymous and yet, its a hell of a story.

Background:

Here is a very theoretical question, where does a story begin? With me, my POV? But then when there is a lot of players to a story-everyone's background has some significance. Me, I am a 3rd generation Real Estate professional. My partner, a 2nd generation real estate professional. Partner is an investor at heart, usually taking care of family (or strangers like family). Our business partners, varying levels of experience and skills. The office leader had started at least 5 other real estate offices for other people after their grandparents got them into the business. Their partner was a 3rd generation professional as well. Between the family legacy, family and friend ties of their cohorts, and the experience-a helluva stage was set.

Story Time:

The office leader and partner quit/get fired and face the question of what do they do now? Remember, sometimes when one gets fired/quits-it is not always because they did a bad job. Sometimes the powers that be want you gone for their own nefarious reasons. So, decision time-Retire, get a job (not in the field), or DIY? An idea strikes, and pen goes to paper.

Friend to friend, we hear the idea out. It has merit. The leader has experience, hard to think it could fail. While that is always a possibility, when making a bet of any kind-if the odds seem to be in your favor from the aspects you can analyze-you make a decision based on that. My partner was agent #1, their first deal was massive and set the pace for the company. I was their first new licensee. I still remember picking out the office during the build out and imagining a hopeful future.

Looking back now, this was one of the first red flags but hindsight is 20/20. When building any type of company, a lot of work happens behind the scenes before the public really sees or hears anything. One of the first, and most important decisions, you make is-Staff. Even a small company starting out needs at least one body. You have: CEO (chief executive officer)-management of the organization, CFO (chief financial office)-treasurer, and Admin. We had our CEO, and what would come next is our CFO.

The CFO was someone we had been in business with before. While they did not do too bad, being a cog in a machine already running was different being a builder of a new machine. It takes a different person to be an employee compared to self employed for a company built from scratch. I raised concerns about this person not being a good fit, I was told that in the right environment I would see a "different side" to this person. I trusted the process, but should have raised my concerns louder. But it takes two to tango-as much I could have screamed my concerns-more people could have listened. A company could have the best plan, but the wrong crew could bode bad omens for actually being able to play that out to its full potential.

From Personal to Office Space. What are you doing, where are you doing it, and who are you doing it with. One of the next red flags is the attitude of going big or going home. Concept for the office was grander than the means for it. It was beautiful when it was said and done, but without being more mindful of the means it would take to upkeep it-its beauty was doomed to be lost. Following this idea of grandeur, more bodies came in for staff. While the attitude of "make it work" is one even I can get behind, we should have grown into that point.

All along the way, money was invested from various sources in various amounts. Some people invested more than we, some more than once, and eventually everyone was invited to invest. The investment pool being too big, if you don't think you can pay it back, becomes a danger to the company. Money is a lot of things to a lot of people. For us, it was giving our former friend a chance to live their dream unhindered, and to be able to finally bet on black like others had done and succeeded. For some it was their first investment after inheritance, others it was building their life up one small investment at a time. For the company, it was necessary to stay alive, but the company eventually dying would hurt so much more than they would realize.

What everyone at the company would soon learn to realize is that more money was being spent than was being produced. Money was being borrowed to compensate. The few who could see or knew about it spoke to the Manager and they would not listen. Trust in the wrong people, can take lifetimes of karma to pay back. Mistakes were made, but at our own cost to pay. Such is the risk to not only be self employed but also make your own company. Staff was not cut down, recruitment did not happen, and standards were not enforced. Worse than that, the manager would make promises then forget he made them and accuse you of being the bad guy for making him keep his WRITTEN word.

Before the wizard behind the curtain showed themselves to a farce in their final stand, some started to predict the end would come. Some even put a year and month on it. Somehow we kept going. Then bad management decided to remove themselves from responsibility. Making a joke at their last meeting, "If I was going to leave the company, I would disappear before it closed up!" Laughing out loud...and with that the owner's wife switched to her "real lifelong passion of haircare".

The entire time, and to this day, the owner blames "the market". Which is BULL. This group of agents has seen good and bad markets, and plenty of companies survive through it. You survive differently in every market but survival is possible. So with the old king gone and a puppet king in place, we try to salvage the situation. We faced our own options: stay for the couple of months we could, find a new space, join a new brokerage. A deal was attempted with a former devil brokerage we knew, but at the last minute a negotiation with the owner of the building came to light. The deal attempted to survive, but it could not.

With that, we faced our options again and decided we would together pull ourselves out of this. The former company's death date was chiseled into its headstone, assets sold off, and manager filed PERSONAL BANKRUPTCY to avoid having to pay any of the fines for their actions. Meanwhile, any staff member with assets is going into protective mode and investors are choosing how to respond to the events. Some are suing, as is their right. Some, risk losing assets to pay off debts. The timeline to make the next company better than ever started, not even leaving time to mourn or be angry. The manger thinks everything is fine, it was just a "bad business deal", and that they did NOTHING wrong. Aren't people just the nicest when you pay them to fan your ego?

To work your entire life, bring your family's legacy into it, and then just give everyone who ever cared about you-on a personal and professional level the bird...Wow. Some say their mind broke-but on some level they knew what they were doing. The question on everyone's upset mind is...Why? We may never have answers to that. The fallout from the decisions that led us to this point are still being felt. Even when the dust settles, the time to rebuild will start. Some assets and relationships will be lost forever, some are reparable.

Bring into that the confusing mess that is the regulations in the world of Real Estate. But we together can survive, Real Estate can endure, and Karma is a Witch with notebook. If I never see this manager again, it will be too soon. But I and my partner are just one of many dealing with this.

Lessons Learned:

When making any bet in life, think of the aspects you know of when considering if the odds are in your favor.

Experience, is important, but not all experience is good experience.

Who is on your team is as important as the plan for the team itself. It takes two to tango.

When running any business, the numbers dictate what you can or cant do.

Don't take someone else's money if you do not plan to be honest in your business. Their investment into your business could mean things for them you know not of.

Just because they are a friend, does not mean you cut your investment contact ANY slack. This is business, get your return or your money back.

Someone giving you bad business advice can you forever, someone messing up an investment you can bounce back from in a couple of years.

Treat people the way you want to be treated, the karmic earthquake that is the results of bad choices back to back-may never be able to recover from.

Every company recruits. There is no company out there that doesn't need to recruit staff or clients.

Having the wrong person in the wrong position is costly.

This is a story half a decade in the making, still in progress. As one chapter ends, another begins. The stress of all of this is probably the worst part of this. Even after everything is said and done, the side effects linger on. I hope someone learns to treat people better, or to be a smart investor.