#lifethoughts

[onlyfulxxx]

There are souls who carry the weight of the world in their hearts. They feel too deeply, love too much, and often find themselves lost in a sea of emotions. They are both fragile and fierce, forever balancing on the edge of a storm no one else can see.

[apekshavirkar]

[successdunia]

[https-kirstenikita]

I'm not shit at this.

Writing is something that I’ve always enjoyed, but never felt good at. I remember getting a notepad and pens for Christmas one year as a child and deciding to write a story about fairies, and later on that year our school had a competition which involved “writing a book” so I translated it and submitted it. I never heard anything back.

I loved reading when I was younger, like many Jacqueline Wilson was my queen. I had nearly the entire collection and would read them over and over (and over) again. I had a lot of the original disney books as well, they were read a million times as well as a few others. I just loved reading, I would stay up all night reading and falling asleep with the book in my hand. As I entered secondary school it was the same, and sort of ended when I went into sixth form. I just loved reading, I still do, but after years of heavy academic work it was/is hard to enjoy. 

I wrote a LOT in my early teens. Fiction, non-fiction, blogs, mostly fan-fiction. I absolutely loved it, I’d have to stop myself from posting so much. Fan-fiction was my most successful, one of them has 1.6million reads on wattpad which just feels insane because that was just a little 14 year old me? I also have a plethora of diaries, journals etc that I continue to this day. Other than the physical diaries, this all stopped when school got more intense and sixth form started. I found myself either at school, working or doing schoolwork and lost the passion for writing, I also had a massive confidence knock during year 12. 

Even though I enjoyed writing, I didn’t feel like I was good at it. I never shared it with anyone apart from one friend, Emilie, who I bonded with a lot over music and writing and it was just something we always shared together even if it was shit. Other than that, my writing was mine, a secret to everyone but myself. When my GCSE exams were marked, it was a year where they had a massive shortage of examiners so they had teachers marking work in subjects they knew nothing about. This resulted on me barely scraping passing my English language GCSE despite having *almost* straight A’s in my coursework. At the beginning of year 12, one of my English teachers decided to bitterly tell me this information in front of the class, resulting in me storming out and screaming bloody murder in the sixth form block . I felt stupid, confused, cheated, like I’d been led on the whole of my GCSE’s. How on earth have I got A’s on nearly all of my coursework but a U (ungradable) on my exam when I did everything I was told to do? What? Honestly, it was one of the most confusing and heartbreaking moments of my educational career. I couldn’t believe it. 

I started doing English literature in sixth form, and after that incident it really knocked me. Year 12 was also a really difficult one for me because there was so much going on at home, this definitely added to things. I felt like nothing I did was right, whenever I’d ask for help I got hit with a snarky remark or to “google it” (yes, I will never get over this). I quit the course after 1 year because the drive and confidence was gone. I described myself as someone who’s “shit at English”. I would be that person constantly asking people to proofread, double check things, asking repeatedly if my work made sense and those people would make adjustments. 

It wasn’t until my second year of university that I really found my understanding for writing, and could see for myself that I’m good at it. I studied theatre and performance at university which was an accumulation of many things theatre-related but academically driven. We did acting, production and academic research but everything was heavily based on research and a big part of our coursework was how our research made a difference on our work. In my first year I passed with good grades, everyone says the first year of uni is a bit of a doss and it kind of was. Despite this, I wasn’t used to the amount of research and writing which was because I’d done a BTEC during sixth form which is more vocational (practical) so I spent more time on my feet than reading and researching. In the first year, we didn’t get to choose the subjects we did but it was divided up equally into acting, production and academic stuff, then from second year we got to choose what we wanted to focus on. I decided to take a leap and pick mostly academic modules for the entire year. In this, I decided to do 2 independent research modules - not a common choice.

I was hesitant at first but I loved independent research. That is the module that made me realise I’m good at research and writing. Finding something you love and pursuing it really shows your skills, and you don’t know until you’re in it. It absolutely helps that I had an amazing, open-minded tutor who I’d have fantastic 1-1 meetings with, she was brilliant. She was real and honest with me about my work. She taught me how to write, how to structure things but using my topic as the stimulus and when I say that put two and two together, it put two and two together. Suddenly my essay quality went up by miles, for every other subject I was doing I suddenly just knew how to write. This was because I had done it within a subject that was so familiar to me and it just clicked, I had a moment of realisation: I’m not shit at this. Everything came together and it was one of the most impactful moments of my life. My grades shot up as did my confidence. 

Since then, I’ve felt far better about my writing skills. I’m still slowly getting back into reading (despite graduating nearly 3 years ago…), but writing is definitely something I want to really make a habit of. I work as a receptionist and spend most of my day typing up emails, communicating and writing generally which secures that more. I even have people coming up to me now asking me to write stuff up for them and it makes me so happy because an 18-year-old would have never seen this coming.

Kirsten x

[iamunfou246]

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[wendysplace21]

Do you remember doing this?

[yourlifejam]

How do you all deal with these moments of confusion? Share your thoughts below! ⬇️

DM for any credits/queries

[teacupofhought]

I spend too much time thinking lately.

In the past I will be thinking about future, what kind of person will I be, making plans on how to get there, do whatever I can to get myself closer to where I want to be, the person to become.

But I feel like I have been stuck in that condition for too long. I did everything that I can in my power, tried my best, pray my sincerest, keeping options open but nothing seemingly happen. I'm not getting closer to where I want to be and but I also have sacrified too much that it would hurt my pride if I just give up. This dream is too big for such a small girl. Is this a blessing or curse? Everytime an opportunity came I became scared, is this the one? When faced with rejection, I ponder endlessly. Is this a sign of a redirection or to stop? I don't know anymore.

[amazingbooksworld]

My family story paints the picture of a different story. Boomers care more about society, and are more attuned to social activities than so-called adulting millennials. I’m a supposedly adulting millennial and have no way of escaping the vicious cycle of poverty other than with the good will of my boomer parents (your grandparents). I do have a way to get out, but it has to be without them, and that’s the rule. The BIGGEST distance creates the BIGGEST difference. Sincere. I need to stop being a parasite in their lives. And I want to be independent without hurting them. I’ve always been a thieving brat. And my parents didn’t even want to get a dog because I made them so miserable. They didn’t want to involve me so much with them, because they kept hoping I’d disappear. And I will disappear. I'm going to be posting more about my parents so stay tuned. Sum lame poetry too. 

[ceosophia]

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[onlyfulxxx]

Some people wear their sadness like a second skin, invisible to most but felt in every breath they take. They smile through the pain, laugh through the tears, and somehow, manage to keep going even when their heart is breaking.

[apekshavirkar]

Enigmatic Heart…

Behind her grin, a covered up sea

Of torment and distress, silently

She navigates life, with delicate grace

Expecting nothing, in each embrace

Her delight, a fire, that burns so bright

Radiating life, in the darkest night

In others' eyes, a sparkling light

Reflects her magnificence, expels the fight

Then came a man, fizzled and worn

Five a long time of anguish, adore torn

He looked for to mend, to develop anew

She saw his torment, and her heart flew

Unknowingly, she fell for his strife

Fought to patch his busted life

Her cherish, an emollient to relieve his soul

An asylum from his darkest role

He's confused, by her giving ways

"Why anticipate nothing, in unending days?"

He inquires himself, with a confused mind

"Why does she cherish, without a bind?"

For him, she's a puzzler, a mystery

A story untold, a heart in secrecy

He longs to get it, her covered up pain

To unwind strings, that weave her heart's stain

He sees her light, in the darkest night

A signal directing, to unused delight

Her magnanimous adore, a work of art

A showstopper, that touches his heart

Now he looks, to know her tale

To get a handle on the profundity, of her heart's frail

To comprehend, her brilliant glow

And in her cherish, his claim heart's growth

Should she let her guard down again and trust the process?

ASV

[successdunia]

[jrchvntr]

Nakakapagod, 'di ba? Parang ang bigat sa dibdib na may mga saloobin kang nais sanang ibahagi pero walang mapagsasabihan. Ang hirap kapag tila nag-iisa ka sa mundo ng iyong mga iniisip at nararamdaman.

[ancipreneur]

The Greatest Treasures are not Gold or Jewels But the Qualities Of Wisdom, compassion, and Kindness that Enrich your Soul.

[wendysplace21]

Minor Flooding around town

These are not my photos, taken from various Facebook sources.