#lifeispain

[spoke-n-languish]

Astra inclinant, sed non obligant. Discendo discimus.

I really have no way of knowing what anyone thinks of me or what they want from me… because not one person will speak honestly with me. I appreciate all of the work developing storylines and the myriad paths forward that you have presented for me to “Leap of Faith” down, but despite it all… it strikes me that still (despite all my mad rankings to the walls of this shithole prison that saddens and crushes me just for being present within it. But has it occurred to any of you “viewers” that I can’t (repeat for emphasis: CANNOT) do what you want me to and what I desperately desire to within the circumstances that you have put me in. It is not a preference choice like, “I have an allergy to cooked carrots… no, raw is fine - I’m only allergic to the cooked ones.” Clearly, made-up bullshit that we abide because we understand that (for whatever reason) they simply do not care for that option. What I have been trying to tell anyone but no one has heard, is that I cannot “take the plunge”, without some, any, maybe even just one tiny element of truth. This may sound petulant, or whiny to some, others I have heard say, “just look it up…everything is online if you would just try to look for yourself instead of having it spoon-fed to you like a baby.” This is not my issue… Because, as stated before, early on I detected that elements of data I perceived and currently try to filter through (with no other option) have been doctored, altered or just flat out fabricated, I have not been able to find any medium that was true. To add further clarification to the depth of illusion detected by the manipulations i toil under, let me list some of the mediums I am considering to be within this Decepti-Confidence Scam Set of things I currently hold to be untrustworthy (note: for me untrustworthy = not true, not real):

* Anything found online (including from social media sites, wiki or encyclopedia pages, medical journals, digital communication of any kind such as text or email)

* Anything heard or seen on the television (as this is another digital medium it also has proven to be quite malleable as a source of information)

* Phone conversations from unfamiliar voices (as without familiarity it is more difficult for me to qualify truths vs. falsehoods).

* Conversations overheard (typically intentionally) in passing.

* Conversations from familiar voices (sadly, every person I have spoken with has also been detected as being dishonest with me).

********************************************

Nimium ne crede colori.

*I feel this requires some more insight into my meaning. Yes, everyone, everywhere, lies all the time… that is inherent in the nature of communication as we all filter input through our belief systems so that any and all output is skewed from the Greater Truth which exists without perception only and in such fashion cannot exist. Also, I am not talking about all of the “little white lies” that exist to prevent shame, guilt, fear or pain - for others as well as ourselves. I am not referring to any stretching of truths about activities or events outside of those which are intended to influence my personal information (and therefore choices and actions). Yes, I have noted it in every single person I have talked to, sometimes subtle otherwise very brash and direct attempts to perpetuate this miasma of gas-lighting that permeates fully into every aspect of my life. It is intentional or at least cooperative psychological manipulation with the intention to control via filtration, alteration and inception the information that I receive as well as what I am able to send forth out into the community at large (such as it is). It is this factor I believe which has so deeply wounded my mental state as well as the very constitution of my sanity. What’s more I have also noticed the effective feedback derived from an assumption that I have been successfully misled whenever I delve at any level into exploring any of these presented misdirections… the ripples of which, increase in amplitude with each exploration with a palpable fervor of glee or excitement at “he’s falling for it”, or “we got him again”. What some may not realize is that in my dogmatic pursuit to unravel this knitted cocoon of deceits, imperfect truths and outright lies, that has snared me and binds me into the clichéd tangled web where I still struggle trying to free myself before I feel the dooming venom piercing into me. The toxic regret of living less than what could have been… should have been mine, if I’d only looked deeper, probed more fervently, or just blindly stumbled onto by happenstance. But as has been clearly understood by me ever since realization of the extent of influence being exerted upon me, as you control all data I receive, if you want it found it will be found… if you don’t, it won’t. So I will continue to struggle, I know not how to give up, but I do so with the knowledge of the futility of my actions as the results are not dependent on the measure of effort exerted so much as your assessment of whether or not I am ready for or worthy of receiving it.

********************************************

* Also to be included, all sights seen, sounds heard, scents smelled (and hence flavors tasted), sensations felt and all other physical perceptions have been (some more constantly than others) proven fallible under your machinations.

Claudus pedibus et iniquitatem bibens qui mittit verba per nuntium stultu.

The culminating magnitude of this doubt upon my already battle-worn and weary psyche, coupled with the riddle of Y intersects at an unfortunate exact point where my craZy honor rebels against tyrannical injustice or oppression (or even well-intended misunderstanding without shared communal eXpression) to where I predict the results to be worse for all, or at least all the worst for one in particular. Whether your intentions are to be my Mjolnir, or if you sit silently on high as an overlord surveying his vassals, I constantly hope that your scales of qualification are Balanced and Just… else I expect from here on naught but doom and ruin to oblivion.

Condemnant quo non intellegunt. Ingredior in meus calceus quod cos mos agnosco. Pars magna bonitatis est velle fieri bonum. Si vis amari, ama. Semper ubi, sub ubi.

[angelinaxk]

Nebel und Staub die Wolken ziehen auf, bist du nicht bei mir, seh ich alles in grau.

#lifeispain

[mylifeinazeroth]

Today I met a man with the most beatiful feet I've seen to date. I was shy so I just asked for a picture but not his number

[lebenstripper]

Vergangenen Montag hatte ich nach fünf Jahren wieder die erste Sitzung mit einem Psychiater. Die 45 Minuten verliefen so, dass ich drei Sätze über meine Lippen gebracht habe.

„Ich weiß nicht wieso ich hier bin, meine Mutter meinte , es wäre besser, wenn ich wieder professionell Hilfe bekäme.“

„Ich kann Ihnen nicht so recht sagen was mein Problem ist, ich bin einfach müde von der Welt. Müde davon, immer weiterzumachen, obwohl ich eigentlich nicht mehr will.“

Die Sitzung hat mir irgendwo noch mehr vor Augen gehalten, dass ich endgültig abschlossen habe. Nein. Eigentlich habe ich das schon vor einigen Jahren. Ich funktioniere. Gehe arbeiten, führe meinen Haushalt und fahre ab und zu ans Meer um mir den Kopf freizukriegen. Aber wirklich Zuhause fühle ich mich nirgendwo. In keinen Armen mehr (seit E mich verlassen hat), in keiner Wohnung, auf keinen Weihnachtsmarkt und an keinem Meer. Ich bin so in meiner Routine drin, dass ich schon vergessen habe, wie sich meine Tränen auf meiner Wange anfühlen.

Ich fühle mich nirgendswo Zuhause.

[stochastique-blog]

Experiment - Automatic Random_Reblog - Ask me !

#pms #apocalypse #pandorastalkboxproductions #progesterone #videoexperiment #videoart #videoartist #lifeispain #newmedia #glitchart #vhsart #motiongraphics #graphicdesign #horror #theshining #videoflowers #flower #florida #artistsofinstagram #artwork #art #photooftheday #uterus #ovary #gameovary #bloodfest #releasethehounds https://www.instagram.com/p/B9wrT9ilajR/?igshid=1we1hgzide1a6

[eightclawed]

almost 2 and I gotta be up at 6 #lifeispain #ihate

[she-had-many-names]

*as he deteriorates into maddness, his teleports become crazier*

whywhywhywhy

itshouldhavebeenme

nononononono

icantlivewithouther

icantdoit

icantdothis

lifeispain

*he takes out the dagger he caught from stitch earlier*

-@teleporting-anon

Why are you here? Why are you suffering through this? Why put yourself through this gauntlet?

[john-kramer-0807]

This!

@wilson-the-gay-oncologist

[insideleonie]

„ich schwöre ich würde mein Leben geben, wenn ich wüsste du könntest dann dein Leben leben“

- Pa Sports

[xonline-diaryx]

Man sollte wenn man in einer Beziehung ist NIEMALS seine Freunde vergessen, denn am Ende bist du die Person die dann vergessen wird, denn wenn diese eine Person die du so geliebt hast nicht mehr da ist dann hast du auf einmal niemanden mehr.

[angelinaxk]

Erinner dich wenn du eines Tages um mich weinen solltest, was ich sagte. „Der der geweint hat wird irgendwann lachen und der der gelacht hat wird irgendwann weinen“

#lifeispain

#lifeispain #poetin #enttäuschung #zitat #eigenes

[tdaddybitch11]

I think death shall take the pain away

[lebenstripper]

Ich könnte dich stundenlang beobachten. Deine Augen, die immer und immer wieder so ruhelos durch die Räume sehen, als würden sie etwas bestimmtes suchen. Dein Lächeln, was ab und zu unverhofft über dein Gesicht huscht und deine Augen so strahlen lassen, dass die ganze Welt etwas besser aussehen lässt, den ganzen Raum erhellen. Deine Hände, die egal ob warm oder kalt, dass angenehmste ist, was ich in meiner halten durfte. Wie gerne ich sie öfters berührt hätte, nicht nur mal zufällig streifen oder sie Zufalls inmitten deines Weges stehen.

[spektraelektra]

I always thought I was prepared for such days, because you know, I've had sad days, I've had days where nothing mattered to me, where the emptiness wasn't just on the inside but printed on the outside in such a shouting manner.. I've always thought that, but every time, the sadness mutates and is not like the sadness I've seen before,a different variant of sadness that is more advanced in pain level, that is more complex like sadness I've seen before, and today, it doesn't even feel like sadness anymore, the universe has created a sadness that is so dark in power that am so scared it might win

[anxtherblog]

„Sag mir bitte, welche Liebe ist noch echt?“

— Jamule

[shegoeshexing]

Painful Realization

You thought you’ve been doing your best to improve your life. You thought that because you did good, something better will happen and will come along--so you watch something that in turn makes you realize that all this time, you all do is whine, pray, and hope that God will dramatically change your life. What a slap in the face to realize that your lazy ass don’t deserve anything because you haven’t worked for anything. Those people you think are lucky coz they seem to be living their dream? They earned it.  They worked for it. You don’t get to antagonize them just because you’re miserable. If you want to change your life, get up and have the courage to take the course.