#knurdninja

[spoke-n-languish]

Astra inclinant, sed non obligant. Discendo discimus.

I really have no way of knowing what anyone thinks of me or what they want from me… because not one person will speak honestly with me. I appreciate all of the work developing storylines and the myriad paths forward that you have presented for me to “Leap of Faith” down, but despite it all… it strikes me that still (despite all my mad rankings to the walls of this shithole prison that saddens and crushes me just for being present within it. But has it occurred to any of you “viewers” that I can’t (repeat for emphasis: CANNOT) do what you want me to and what I desperately desire to within the circumstances that you have put me in. It is not a preference choice like, “I have an allergy to cooked carrots… no, raw is fine - I’m only allergic to the cooked ones.” Clearly, made-up bullshit that we abide because we understand that (for whatever reason) they simply do not care for that option. What I have been trying to tell anyone but no one has heard, is that I cannot “take the plunge”, without some, any, maybe even just one tiny element of truth. This may sound petulant, or whiny to some, others I have heard say, “just look it up…everything is online if you would just try to look for yourself instead of having it spoon-fed to you like a baby.” This is not my issue… Because, as stated before, early on I detected that elements of data I perceived and currently try to filter through (with no other option) have been doctored, altered or just flat out fabricated, I have not been able to find any medium that was true. To add further clarification to the depth of illusion detected by the manipulations i toil under, let me list some of the mediums I am considering to be within this Decepti-Confidence Scam Set of things I currently hold to be untrustworthy (note: for me untrustworthy = not true, not real):

* Anything found online (including from social media sites, wiki or encyclopedia pages, medical journals, digital communication of any kind such as text or email)

* Anything heard or seen on the television (as this is another digital medium it also has proven to be quite malleable as a source of information)

* Phone conversations from unfamiliar voices (as without familiarity it is more difficult for me to qualify truths vs. falsehoods).

* Conversations overheard (typically intentionally) in passing.

* Conversations from familiar voices (sadly, every person I have spoken with has also been detected as being dishonest with me).

********************************************

Nimium ne crede colori.

*I feel this requires some more insight into my meaning. Yes, everyone, everywhere, lies all the time… that is inherent in the nature of communication as we all filter input through our belief systems so that any and all output is skewed from the Greater Truth which exists without perception only and in such fashion cannot exist. Also, I am not talking about all of the “little white lies” that exist to prevent shame, guilt, fear or pain - for others as well as ourselves. I am not referring to any stretching of truths about activities or events outside of those which are intended to influence my personal information (and therefore choices and actions). Yes, I have noted it in every single person I have talked to, sometimes subtle otherwise very brash and direct attempts to perpetuate this miasma of gas-lighting that permeates fully into every aspect of my life. It is intentional or at least cooperative psychological manipulation with the intention to control via filtration, alteration and inception the information that I receive as well as what I am able to send forth out into the community at large (such as it is). It is this factor I believe which has so deeply wounded my mental state as well as the very constitution of my sanity. What’s more I have also noticed the effective feedback derived from an assumption that I have been successfully misled whenever I delve at any level into exploring any of these presented misdirections… the ripples of which, increase in amplitude with each exploration with a palpable fervor of glee or excitement at “he’s falling for it”, or “we got him again”. What some may not realize is that in my dogmatic pursuit to unravel this knitted cocoon of deceits, imperfect truths and outright lies, that has snared me and binds me into the clichéd tangled web where I still struggle trying to free myself before I feel the dooming venom piercing into me. The toxic regret of living less than what could have been… should have been mine, if I’d only looked deeper, probed more fervently, or just blindly stumbled onto by happenstance. But as has been clearly understood by me ever since realization of the extent of influence being exerted upon me, as you control all data I receive, if you want it found it will be found… if you don’t, it won’t. So I will continue to struggle, I know not how to give up, but I do so with the knowledge of the futility of my actions as the results are not dependent on the measure of effort exerted so much as your assessment of whether or not I am ready for or worthy of receiving it.

********************************************

* Also to be included, all sights seen, sounds heard, scents smelled (and hence flavors tasted), sensations felt and all other physical perceptions have been (some more constantly than others) proven fallible under your machinations.

Claudus pedibus et iniquitatem bibens qui mittit verba per nuntium stultu.

The culminating magnitude of this doubt upon my already battle-worn and weary psyche, coupled with the riddle of Y intersects at an unfortunate exact point where my craZy honor rebels against tyrannical injustice or oppression (or even well-intended misunderstanding without shared communal eXpression) to where I predict the results to be worse for all, or at least all the worst for one in particular. Whether your intentions are to be my Mjolnir, or if you sit silently on high as an overlord surveying his vassals, I constantly hope that your scales of qualification are Balanced and Just… else I expect from here on naught but doom and ruin to oblivion.

Condemnant quo non intellegunt. Ingredior in meus calceus quod cos mos agnosco. Pars magna bonitatis est velle fieri bonum. Si vis amari, ama. Semper ubi, sub ubi.

[nx-communicato]

Dear Wise O’er d’02,

1.) Not quite such a “sinister” world after all?

2.) …can make the darkness bright.

When I’ll hold your hand, I’ll understand the magic that you do!

It’s easy to greatly love cinnamon, n’est-ce pas? It is because of that fiery spice she adds to any mix.

(Speaking of, I personally can’t wait until some of any of this makes a little sense. I have been adrift in the swirling squalls of the chaotic abyss for so many seasonings, I think I’ll take just a squeeze of rhyme with my reasonings.)

[spoke-n-languish]

Alignment: Quixotic Good

Super!! Another spoonful of people I don’t recognize in places I’ve never been speaking languages I don’t understand… no you’re right — that clears everything up perfectly. How could I possibly be so ingracious.

I am well aware that even though I cannot answer the question, “What has happened to me, or ?”, I can say for certain that it took more people than just 424574514 (I will continue using this name as I do not know how else to refer to her). As amazing and gifted as she is, that is, or at least should be, understood. So, when I am begging for the truth of what has happened to me, I am looking broadly at the community as well as focusing in on my so-called friends, family and loved ones for answers… not just 424574514. I get that nobody expected me to fall so wholly and probably foolishly in love, but who in the history of mankind has ever understood how love works? And, I assume that there is a vast majority that does not understand why I can’t just let it go or move on… if it were a normal break up, yes. I would have by now.

I believe somewhere around the end of October or beginning of November I myself thought I was going in that direction… this is not to say that I have in any way changed my heart’s proposed intentions or reversed my position in any form. It is possible that only one person understands why I adamantly refuse to soften in this regard, and even she most likely did not foresee this outcome as much as I’m certain that at least initially there was a tumultuous emotional uncertainty of how to best handle the unusual nature of my decision. After all, who in their right mind would insist on pursuing a chaste life of celibacy to maintain a love unrequited and reduced to long-distance friend-zone while it has already long since been established that the object of affection was not only a pawn in an elaborate confidence scheme, but also a key component of the penultimate betrayal at the anticlimax… most likely only me, and only for you (see rule #1). But to clarify this conundrum for the rest of you. I promised to the woman I love who was never in her life prior shown the true meaning of unconditional love that she would feel it and know its power. This is how I believed when I swore it and so I shall hold until proven to the contrary by the one to whom I am beholden. Rule 1 is simple, but more beautiful by its simplicity. It states, “I love you, this will not change.” That is why I am bound by honor to stoically weather all attempts to tempt or convince or persuade me astray, and because it is unconditional, any and all wrongs are immediately forgiven. That is also partly why I have fallen prey to being triggered over and over and why I do not seem to be learning lessons as others may have hoped. Is it fool-hearty of me? - most likely, will it change? - no. But I know that there is a select cadre that knows that there are other reasons why I have been shackled thus without being able to rejuvenate or progress Their umbral machinations have made certain that I be quite successfully rooted as mired. I also believe that outside of this select private council the greater group as well as the community at large do not know the actual cause of my physical health issues nor why I was not working… instead this collection outside of the elite have been successfully gaslit (it would seem more successfully than I myself was) into believing the skewed version of the story as the select few would have it be known. This not only serves to further the objective of reinforcing the defamation of my character while polishing the hell out of that turd for you, but also in protecting you from any backlash for your deceptive subterfuges if not fully nefarious and malicious actions. So again, I beseech you — all of you, if any would be so kind as to share with me truths, for these are the keys which could set me free. And my love and my light my heart is yours. I only ask that you look within yourself. If your heart is of like intent: I will wait for you until I die. If your love has affectations for another than I shall be your most loyal friend to whatever degree you two deem appropriate. But if neither of these are things you desire, please offer a kindness and forgive this man for his old-fashioned chivalric notions and ways… if you have no intention or desire of reuniting in any way then I pray that you (as you are the only one who can) will see fit to release me from my vow. But outside of this, pray tell my lady in what fashion may I be yours?

[spoke-n-languish]

All Ways Lead To Amoré

I’m so confused all the time these days it seems, and always teetering off-balance on the brink of the Lake of Tears. I never seem to know what to do. Now, when I try to tune-in and see if I can divine direction, all I receive is a fierce pain that stabs deeply into my forehead… and above and beyond that, and in addition to the aching I’ve grown accustomed to these last six years or so, also on top of the pangs, fatigue and anxiety of detoxing, my brain has presented a new anguish to add to my personal siege on my own psyche - a new reagent to spice-up the suffering a touch.

If this ever does culminate by noble Chance into a happy ending, by which I mean that if this Hell ever abates and releases me from its frost-rimed grip in which I am held frozen, I will be scarred with a bittersweet knowledge branded on my heart. The depth of how accurately and comprehensively you understand almost every aspect of my intrinsic character has me awe-struck in the beauty of its love. But as much as that love fills me and embraces me in a glowing halo of warm serenity, I am saddened in knowing that I do not (and may never be able to) offer that same depth of appreciation to you. I don’t even know who you are anymore. It seems like there are hundreds of you. We used to laugh and rage at the unfairness whenever you dyed your hair and it would seem that the community at large would soon follow suit to match. But now I search for you in a sea of Waldo-pplegangers. I don’t know if the hollow of sorrow within me is projecting your image as if my own Tootsie Pop superbly imposing into my view, or if it is because my mind’s fracturing from the chaos of this maddening quest unrequited has made it so that shards of your rainbow scattered and broadcast about like Johnny’s apple seeds are all that is left for me to find. But irregardless, I don’t know that if I will respond appropriately or even recognize you when you do present to my eyes blinded by looking to long for light in the inky pitch black of nothingness. So, if you see me, please forgive any inappropriate response. I may not see you clearly, or I may assume I am only looking at another mirage in my thirsty sight. What I am hoping for, fearing my own failure, is that you will come to me grab me to snap my focus to full attention, and plant a long-overdue passionate smooch on me. In this way I will know it truly is you, and I will embrace you back and never let go again.

~ unaware 41oneWolf on the prowl

[spoke-n-languish]

I know this is going to end up well (actually it will most likely not even be noticed by anyone, but in response to the guilt I will feel in roughly 1.5 hours I will end up projecting my own insecurities into everyone else’s words and then feel subjectively trolled by the world), but just ignite a response backlash for fun, what the hey?

I’m tired of being everyone’s whipping boy. I am exhausted from being the one that everyone can call a fat, lazy, angry, egocentric, dead-beat, smug, lame, drunk, frigid, ugly, nerdy, apathetic, (fill __1n__ the blank loser who thinks he is so perfect. Also weary from being told that I don’t do enough for or care about anybody but myself. While these adjectives are true i that at some point in my life I am certain that there was probably a time for each to be applicable. But I am also equally certain that this same logic holds true for everyone besides me as well. Guess what, we are all assholes, but it is not considered proper etiquette to say so. So politely I shall withdraw and refrain from saying things that are not nice, instead I will endeavor to practice the old adage and not say anything at all. No promises, but we’ll see how it goes.

[spoke-n-languish]

* 1/17/23•13:00

Baby, my love, keep strong, I don’t know what to do… I have sworn to be there for you. I would gladly kick open the gates of Hell to set you free. I was prepared to take your place if necessary to spare you any more suffering, but inspite of my pleas or my prayers, I have not been shown where to go (or more likely I just missed the clue when it was presented). It has been so confusing here and I am awash in sadness and guilt for failing you so. This is my only two fears being actualized while I am being held immobile and forced to watch. I don’t want this to be the end of our tale. Please, Lord, show me were she is and I swear on my honor that I will unleash the righteous fury of my wrath in full measure against any who would stand in my way or oppose her rescue! Please just point me in the direction of her torment and I will become like as a juggernaut, unwavering and unstoppable until her safety becomes insured. I just need to know where…

[spoke-n-languish]

The official Song for the Holiday

(typically sung around a campfire)

🎵🎶🎵🎵🎶🎶🎵🎵🎶🎶🎵🎶🎵

…and now everybody, all together!!

Sung to the tune of “For he’s a jolly good fellow”

🎼 “Vooooooor—hees got a hatch-et, he’ll kill ya.

Vooooooor—-hees got a hatch-et, he’ll kill ya.

Voorhees got a hatch-et, he’ll kill ya.

Tonight at Camp Cryst’l Lake”��🎼

🎵🎶🎵🎵🎶🎶🎵🎵🎶🎶🎵🎶🎵

Happy Friday, and enjoy your extended weekends,

Everyone

[spoke-n-languish]

{I’d like to start by apologizing for my speech such as it was last night. It was unedited and unfinished, and I haven’t done much public speaking lately and am a bit rusty. to be perfectly frank, I had written it with a much more humorous and communal gist, but as I read it, my voice apparently decided it was in a different mood. Sorry.}

Judgement is not wrong. It is natural. It gets tied up politically but by a softer name it is the discernment that we use constantly every day: what is relevant, what is dangerous or safe, right or wrong, good or bad. Judgement keeps us alive. What I wanted to talk about was balance and understanding. To me, these two tenets are the foundation of Justice. In balance we are able to provide fairness and equality. Yes, the scales to wobble and sometimes dip a little to one side at times, but they always will eventually right themselves. Understanding is what allows Truth to be the guiding force of integrity for Justice. There’s a common saying that goes, “Judge yourself by your intent, judge others by their actions.” It implies that it is unfair to assume the motives of other people, something in which I do strongly agree, but here is where I disagree with the saying (and moreover, where I missed yesterday). Simply, you should not judge others by their actions without consideration of their intent also. Without assumption, this requires understanding. The easiest way: ask them. With a little compassion and an open and honest dialogue you will see their perspective and allow you to better establish more understanding and balanced and just judgements.

[spoke-n-languish]

Castaway Again

Sometimes it really sucks being so easy to throw away. I feel like (pardon me for stealing your ANAlogy) an empty gas station Big Gulp tossed out the window as so much useless litter cluttering the roadside, or a sock that’s lost it’s partner in the warsh and is relegated to the bottom back corner of the drawer never to be seen in public again.

Maybe I should change my name to Wilson (nobody ever talks about this). Everyone assumes Tom Hanks plays the titular role in Castaway, but he finds a way back. If the movie were about him it should have been called Lost & Found or something. But the poor volleyball Wilson, the true hero of this movie, takes it all in stride. He is lost on a deserted island with no one looking for him, definitively castaway. But, he manages to make a friend (not an easy feat in desolation), even seems to keep a fairly chipper attitude through the hardship to help keep his fellow wreck-mate’s mood in good spirits. Then when they set off on a daring plan to return to civilization, he is only to be castaway again, warshed overboard and bobbing in the tumultuous surf watching as his new friend leaves him by the wayside and forges on without him. So this fates-cursed ne’er-do-well drifts off into open sea hoping for any kindness of the sea itself that the currents see him to shore (any shore at this point) before some leviathan of the deep takes a curious fancy for him. Yes, Wilson has that characteristic “divine nonchalance” that make him an enjoyable if still fleeting companion… maybe: ‘Lord 185 34925 Wilson’. It’s alright, but I think I’d prefer to be a soccer ball. (Albeit, Wilson does also produce these, but for originality’s sake…) Let us see then, 185 Franklin, 185 Puma — no, no, perhaps more exotic: 185 Mikasa- maybe, or the classic ‘Lord 185 34925 Adidas: der herr mit den drei stripen’. Yeah, that’s got a little panache or zazz to it; touch of that French… I don’t know what.

[spoke-n-languish]

It is very confusing and may actually prove to be impossible to intuitively divine what I’m supposed to accomplish by jumping between (it seems like 10 or more) different people’s thought “channels”, especially without the benefit of direct communication.

Imagine trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together but to do so, you first have to run around town and look for hidden puzzle pieces that you will need to do so. Periodically some get thrown from passing cars, some are on the back sides of buildings or in a gutter or on a sign. Harder still, is that a good portion of the puzzle pieces you need are only to be found online, which is like having a giant duffle bag crammed full of puzzle pieces and you have to figure out which ones go to your puzzle or not. And to top it all off, you don’t even have the box, so you have no idea how many pieces you should be trying to find or even what the picture is supposed to look like if you were ever able to get it put together.

Easy enough task normally, sure — but now do it when you are at your lowest mental and physical health and you don’t get to talk to anyone. But, all the people that you are not allowed to interact with will be watching everything you do and seeing everytime you fail which adds all that bonus stress and zero privacy to boot. Oh yeah, also the clock’s ticking and you’re almost out of time, so at least you’ve got that going for ya’, and that’s nice.

[spoke-n-languish]

I truly do not understand what is happening. Every time I think I have figured it out, it all goes horribly wrong.

But even more than that, I do not get what the purpose could possibly be for any of this. If I am supposed to be learning some “life lesson” or using this as a “break-through” in healing; I hate to tell you, but it is not working. There are so many converging/tangential/parallel storylines and messages entangling me right now that I can’t tell what I’m looking at half the time and nothing I see ever provides a clear answer,,, only more questions.

The only consistent thread that seems to run throughout the balled up knot of entwined plots is that time is almost up. Every second counts, but I still haven’t even been shown/told what I’m supposed to be doing. Am I packing to go to the airport to catch a flight to: Australia, Germany, Florida, South Africa, Texas, Finland, California, Brazil, or Alaska, or am I possibly just going door-to-door knocking until I’ve woken up this side of Waimea (and making sure ALL my neighbors hate me). Perhaps I should be hitch-hiking to Hawi, or trying to find where I can book a rocket to the moon, or seek out some portal into Hell itself.

I will do any of these to find you, my light, but I don’t know which one to choose and every choice I make seems wrong. What do I do? I don’t want you to think I don’t care enough, or that I’m not trying. I love you and I miss you and I am so lost and confused and sad and tired of not knowing where to go or what to do. I have been completely smothered by the unknown and I know my time is up, but I don’t know what to do.