#life's been... horrible lately
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The Bike
You know what's up. Part five over at my patreon. :3
#wolfwood lives au#trigun#nicholas d. wolfwood#vashwood#las!art#i'm so sorry everything is taking me so long#life's been... horrible lately
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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perpetually suffering the tortures lately
#don't ever make a very complex/esoteric story based around a pre-existing fandom .worst mistake of my life#<-(the tortures)#half joking but the autism has been extremely agonizing lately in almost every way imaginable#.mostly just in the typical way of. it being impossible to believe i can actually be welcomed in any sort of fandom/community#and feeling horribly embarrassed about continuously pushing my posts into tags where people are trying to enjoy themselves#so. been spending the last month or so trying to beat my brain out of being hyperfixated on the blorbos to the point of embarrassment#<--putting this here mostly as an apology/explanation ig for not posting much lately .#trying to exile myself from the fandom + in general. it has been hard to do literally anything but lay in bed all day#also as well as just like. summer sensory hell + sadd moments#ough . the tortures
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Everything has been so pathetically genuinely terribly cringe to me lately, to the point where I don't get joy out of anything anymore, but I'm trying
I'm aware enough to know that this is a side effect of severe depression and stagnance and mundaneity and generally being sick of being alive and hating everything for it
#but I swear to God the older I get#The less I remember the majority of people being this embarrassing and inducing#And this is coming from someone that is horribly immature and eccentric themselves at least in terms of their joys in life#it might just be self projected self-loathing#but I haven't been able to enjoy looking at anyone stuff lately#It's all pointless self-indulgent and frankly just immature#Even posting my own thoughts is making me feel embarrassed because I know doubted the core at this point that I don't matter#and that even posting about how I don't matter is a state of immaturity#I feel like I've been an adult in America for too long and I've been using social media for too long and I'm just sick and bored of the way#that people and things are in general and the way that people think and see others and my placement in it especially#It's all become very embarrassing and stupid for me personally to observe and unfortunately be a part of whether I like it or not
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Almost back home!!! I’ve been away for two weeks and I haven’t had good internet connection. Looking forward to getting back home.
I’ve been quiet cause of it, so how about a shop/merch update!! The products from my shop have already gone through a round of proofs this last week after I placed the order (as some files had gotten mixed up). I’m hoping the products finish their manufacturing and are shipped to me within this next week or so!
I’ve ordered extras of everything to put up in the shop as “in stock” after I send out my preorders, also ordered a few items as samples. They had a higher MOQ (minimum order quantity) so if they turn out well, I’d like to do a giveaway with some of them!
#I know I’ve been kind of quiet in general lately too apologies for that#gonna be honest and life has been pretty rough lately#general TW I reference death below#two incidents happened a few months ago regarding almost losing brother and losing a cousin to horrible situations#and it’s really been very difficult to deal with and has brought on a lot of haze and mental dullness or inability to focus#and tbh even months later it’s still been very difficult#it’s why I’ve probably come across as closed off or absent these last few months#so just explaining that#I’m still overcoming it but I believe I’m doing better now#I have been unable to mentally pull myself together enough to successfully create any content like fics or art#though I’m trying very hard#it is getting easier too. I have written a lot more on vacation than I’ve mana fed to write in a long time#I still love and appreciate PLA and submas so so much that just hasn’t been able to manifest in content creation lately#but it has manifested in buying merch haha#when I get home I may just show my collection#I am still alive in this fandom#if you’ve read this far thank you#and thank you for sticking around while I’ve been quiet!!
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look at the way i ride ~
#lyss.vent#been feeling very much on the edge lately#of what? i’m not really sure#a classic Meltdown ™ maybe#i have a therapist i talk to weekly now and that’s been a huge help fs#but it’s still like#my boat has a hole#too many to count actually#i’m constantly dumping out the water but it doesn’t matter yk?#i’m still sinking#there are so many things i should be thankful for#friends and family that care about me#i have hobbies that i enjoy#a good consistent job that pays well#i’m working 40 hrs a week and making enough to save monthly#this is what it means to be successful right ?#i should be happy…i have everything i need…#yet i feel rundown and empty#i’ve also realized that there are horrible ugly things that still live deep inside my bones#why do i blame myself for them when i was just there? when i was the victim?#i’m the only one who can save myself from it all so why can’t i?#what’s even worse is that i have to watch from the sidelines while life single-handedly fucks up my loved ones too#i’m so powerless in all aspects of my life#everything’s out of my control#and it hurts so much :(((#tbh old me would’ve given up by now but that dumb bitch isn’t in the driver’s seat anymore#she’s just along for the ride now but she won’t give me the aux#tho new me is stubborn and has something to prove so i’ll keep driving :3 vroom vroommm#i’ll play my own music soon#i love queue ☆〜（ゝ。∂）
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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hello (going to pretend that i didn't disappear AGAIN)
#i'm sorry#i have been saying the same thing for a while now and i hate myself for it#these weeks have just been so horrible and i'm just so??#i have lost interest in everything and now i just feel like an empty shell#it's an awful feeling i can't bring myself to do anything no matter how much i want to#it just hurts a lot i don't really know what to do at this point#i suppose this was me taking a break again i haven't written at all#i tried to. came up with two paragraphs and then dropped it#life has just been so weird lately and i really miss you all.#ANYWAYS...#ruru rambles
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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Hey, wanted to ask where the last gifs you reposted (Alex frolicking on the beach) are from ?
Thank you :)
hii 💗
i’m assuming you mean this post? unfortunately i don’t know where the gifs are from either, but i’d also love to know - if anyone can help out please do! 🙏
he’s such a little cutie pie 🥺
#sorry i’m a little late replying to this!#life has been a lot and i’ve been juggling a horrible chronic pain flare/illness/having to travel#so i’m a bit behind on all my asks and messages rn#but i appreciate them all so much and will get to them asap!#i always love hearing from and chatting to people here#truly one of my favourite things about this little space 🫶#asks#alex turner
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just learned that one of the two people who i could call friends here fucking got married a couple weeks ago and the one other person (the one i lived on the same property with for 15 months) was there and even though i have seen her since it happened neither of them told me about this. and they have also regularly been hanging out without ever inviting me. obviously i don't need to be involved in everything but you never asked if i wanted to hang out even once even though i said multiple times hey we should all hang out sometime. ok 👍🏻
#like ok you had an informal wedding and barely invited anyone and arent close enough with me to invite me whatever.#but neither of them even mentioned it? i didnt even know the one friend was still here because she was supposed to leave for socal 3 weeks#ago and told me i had to leave by the 20th because of this and apparently shes still here and if i had known this was going to be the case#i might have been able to get a much cheaper and better living arrangement.#i just keep getting reminded that i am not that important in anyones life and everyone keeps treating me like a dumb child#and i have the horrible trait of treatment resistant depression so i cant even blame them because i'm fucking miserable constantly so why#would anyone bother developing a close relationship with me#i have said multiple times to both of these people hey we should hang out more or go see a movie or have dinner or whatever and every time#they're like yeah totally! and then they dont follow through on it#i straight up have no one i can even call and talk to about how upsetting this is because apparently i'm simply too mentally ill to maintain#friendships. like people will become friends with me and at some point i'll be like ok i'm very mentally ill! and theyll be like#ok i promise thats fine! and i'm sure they even mean it but people just run out of compassion and time and patience after very long. always#anyway lately i have been on the verge of self institutionalizing to be fully honest. but i think that would have many unwanted consequences#me
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"average person creates 3 new AUs per year" factoid actually just statistical error. average person makes 0 AUs per year. Alternate Universes Catie, who lives in cave & makes over 2 each month, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
#i think about how many ive made this year and i feel a bit woozy#its so funny bcs ive always been weirdly staunch abt not making AUs for my own characters#<- just bcs i wanna establish them and putting them in different AUs makes it a bit less stable so#and them i start drawing fanart for the first time in my life and go absolutely nuts#let me think hmm i think ive made 8 or so this year 🤔#not all of them have art yet but they do haunt me#like also does it count if you make offshoots of your own AUs 😭#i have too many thoughts ;;;;;#also i think its just bcs i really crave learning new info#and ive learned *a lot* about f1 so its fun to make AUs by learning more abt smth else and then combining them#like hmm how do these real world events fit into early 18th century europe JSKFKGLLVLV#actually i *do* live in cave. me and my dark bedroom 🤧#if you stay on my blog you WILL get a history or culture lesson abt some inane thing#catie.rambling.txt#*i need to start putting 'scheduled' in the tags of posts so you guys dont get a horrible perception of my sleep schedule#well it is horrible. but not horrible enough that im staying up *too* late
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Dreamt I was eating the most delicious plate of gyoza anyone had ever had and then I woke up heartbroken that I was not in fact eating it. Went back to sleep and dreamt it was cheese day and it was 40% off all cheese anywhere and dream me was like Wow. 40% off all cheese anywhere.
#40% sale isnt even that exciting cmon. also im not actually that crazy a cheese person so#regardless#ive been prone to having super horrible nightmares throughout my life but this thing lately where i just dream im eating something delicious#and then wake up and theres nothing delicious is worse bc now im just disappointed and hungry
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Rio day!!!
#hypmic#hypnosis mic#rio mason busujima#dice arisugawa#riodice#feels like forever since i drew anything even though it's only been almost 2 months... man#actually was gonna give up on this at first because my focus was shot due to shitty life events but somehow i finished it. waow#i love rice i miss them sm... they would never ever do this but i still wish ARB gave Dice some birthday lines on Rio's bday#actually it would be nice if hypmic did literally anything with their relationship. cmon the last good thing was the MTCvFP stage#and the 2nd DRB manga chapters i guess but that's just them fighting. i want new material of them being besties :(#oh and we did get some crumbs in hypani S2 as well. but main canon really dgaf about them anymore#anyway . HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIOOO <3 <3 <3#(it's already Hifumi day in Japan but. it's the 21st where i live so let's pretend i'm not horribly late)#7-7-cherry drawingz
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80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.
#SORRY this is such a random thing to be posting about and I guess it's a vent post haha#I suppose I've just been feeling a lot of... dread and fear lately... especially in the late hours...#''Lately'' as in on and off for most of my life but *a lot* as of the past few months#Like#Oh it's weirdly embarrassing to talk about this here it's a tad personal uh **tw (discussions of) death#But do you ever just feel paralyzed by the knowledge that one day you'll be 40? Or 60? Or 80? If you're lucky!#I worry a lot about wasting my life#I worry a lot about dying an unpleasant death#Or a painful one#I suppose I've always been gerascophobic...#But finishing school and turning 23 and not having a job and having just a hard time with my physical health lately...#I haven't been great I guess#I just feel like time has been moving so quickly lately!!!#And I've been going nowhere.#:0 not to be too much of a bummer y'all I'm not like feeling horrible rn or anything but I do need to vent I think#Cause if not it just stays coiled up inside of me.#*gah* I should channel all of this energy into Glenn in my pirate fic lol#😌 he's insecure (in part) cause he feels old#🥲 ough and I don't feel amazing about that most recent chapter but I guess that's a whole new vent#working on some different stuff for a bit.#ANYWAYS#I hope whoever happens to be reading this is having a good night ✨️#oh or day if it's day for you lol
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a view from the Tañon strait :) and also my desk, since this is a desk post lmao
Cleopatra 1963 was on TV last night and ohhhhhh my god Richard Burton’s Mark Antony is everything to me for real. I wrote an Antony comic a million years ago, junked it because I don’t care about him, but I’m not immune to Richard Burton’s Antony in love and despair. like, I was frantically writing scenes in my notebook during commercial break, I was on Twitter talking about how much I love this film, etc. unparalleled. show stopping.
in other news, Trikaranos ch 1 should be up sometime this month or at the start of the next! I also have some Italian renaissance comics I want to knock out of my WIP folder. low key kind of thinking of turning the DMBJ au into a little side project for when I get tired of thinking about the implications of Roman coins and taxes or whatever, but I’ll probably attempt that as a combination of rough pencil comics and prose if I do it because it would strictly be For Fun 🤔 we’ll see! there’s some original comic stuff I want to tackle before the end of the year too. augh. the passage of time
#desk posting#who has that comic about how the world is fucking terrible. and you’re like. making comics. been really feeling it lately#like nothing is enough the political leaders of the world are a horrible and on top of everything else. I’m making comics???#I was taking to a friend about it and it’s like. well. that’s how life goes. the contradicting multitudes of existence#anyway. I’m making suman and then hot chocolate before I get started on work for the day. wahoo.#also! a little peak inside my studies sketchbook! and my beloved Mitsubishi pencil that is rapidly getting shorter lmao#I quit using mechanical pencils last fall and I’m having a blast#no real reason I just prefer the feeling of pencils that require sharpening
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