#life outside the internet
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Despite the *gestures vaguely in the direction of the US presidential election* there is at least one good bit of news on my personal front. The results of my annual mammogram, which I started relatively early and do religiously because of family history, came up as, "We want to do a secondary mammogram and also an ultrasound, because we saw something suspicious."
Insta panic on my part. But! I went in for the second mammogram and also the ultrasound (and lemme tell ya, getting your breast lubed up and having a thing rubbing all around it, especially near your nipple is hella awkward), and thankfully, the result was non-cancerous cysts and also I just have dense breast tissue that mammograms aren't great at scanning.
Like, ideally I wouldn't have had to get my breasts squashed twice in the space of a few weeks, but it's a lot better than having undetected cancer.
All y'all fellow breast havers, please make sure to have your annual mammograms starting at age 40 and earlier if you have a family history of breast cancer. Do a self-exam monthly — it's how my mom found her cancer. Trans men, even those who've had top surgery, you're not exempt, and even cis men can get breast cancer.
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I graduated high school in 2001. I met T my freshman year. Can't remember how, but they (you'll see why I'm using that pronoun in a moment) wound up joining our friend group at lunch.
T's gender was…ambiguous. They wore baggy clothes that were more in line with the style for guys at the time, but they also had a high-pitched voice. True, there were still some guys our age whose voices hadn't changed, but those were getting to be fewer and fewer as time passed. Plus, they were sitting at lunch with a bunch of girls, which no guy ever did unless they were A Boyfriend. Their haircut was short, but not so short that it couldn't be a girl's.
I didn't really care one way or the other — T was game for using the school's admin password ("nimda," or "admin" backwards) to put grainy cartoon jpegs on the desktops of the computers we were on in our horrendous "Computer Tech" glorified keyboarding class that we were both in because it was a prerequisite for all other technology classes. We were continuously doing things that drove the teacher crazy, mostly because she couldn't figure out how we were doing it (she said on the first day of class that she only knew how to use Windows/DOS and the class was taught on Macs). That, to me — a fellow in arms for antagonizing a horrible teacher — was way more important than whether they were a boy or a girl. T refused to confirm either way.
Some of my friends, however, decided that having someone of ambiguous gender was unacceptable — you had to be either a boy or a girl, you couldn't be both or neither. (I agreed that you had to be a boy or a girl because being non-binary wasn't a thing I'd learn about until years later, but I, again, didn't really think it was that important.) One of them, during sophomore year, somehow managed to get ahold of a childhood photo of T — in a dress. And during a field trip to a local water park, T showed up in the girl's locker room — in an orange, one-piece, women's bathing suit, and clearly very uncomfortable with the attention they were drawing.
So that was that. Except it wasn't.
T refused to be called a girl. They were clearly not ok with it, and when we learned about sex chromosomes in biology, they said that they had Klinefelter Syndrome, which we had all just learned about, and were trying to figure stuff out. That didn't seem to match a lot of what we knew (underneath the baggy clothes, T had a MUCH bigger cup size than expected, and they generally met zero of the syndrome's physical symptoms), but it shut up my friends about it, and we went back to doing the no-pronoun dance.
I still have zero idea exactly how T identified, or if they even quite knew themselves — this was the late '90s, after all, and the idea that there could be anything beyond the gender binary was not something that a bunch of 15 year olds in the suburban Midwest knew about. We didn't even have any out gay or lesbian students in our school of 3000 pupils.
I lost touch with T after sophomore year. Whether they dropped out, or their family moved, or they transferred schools I don't know, but they stopped going to my high school. I hope wherever they went that they did ok for themselves and that they found happiness.
I graduated high school in 99.
There was a student at our school named Wayne.
Wayne was gay. It was obvious. He was unable to stay in the closet even if he wanted to. To make matters worse, he was also Black. From a bullying standpoint, that was not a great combo. Both Black and white students made fun of him relentlessly. He was ostracized from the only community that may have given him protection. Only us theater kids stuck up for him, but not to significant effect.
Wayne was bullied so much that at one point he finally snapped and attacked his bullies with a lunch tray. I was actually seated in perfect line of sight and just sat there chewing my soggy fries in stunned silence. It didn't even seem real as I was witnessing it. The image of him wailing on his main bully as the food on his tray flew off is permanently logged into my long term memory.
The bully he attacked had blood all over his face and went straight to the nurse. Other than superficial cuts, he was not injured.
Before the attack, Wayne went to teachers for help. He went to guidance counselors for help. He went to the principals for help.
He did all of the things you were supposed to do. No one helped him. They wagged a finger at the bullies and warned them to stop.
Wayne's lunch tray melee was the only thing that worked. His bullies stayed far away from him. But a week later Wayne was expelled and the bullies were given no punishment.
So... no.
No one in my school talked about being trans.
Because the only way to survive being openly queer was to bash people with a lunch tray.
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next school year I'm changing strands, i should've followed my passions more
#sharing my brain juice#life outside the internet#i wanna learn psychology#but god this strand isnt it
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defending brody and jason from weirdos on the internet isn’t enough i need to buy a gun
#im so deadass#where are some of these kids parents#do ur mothers know ur talking like this on the internet#embarrassing#please get a life#brody grant#jason schmidt#the outsiders musical#the outsiders broadway#the outsiders cast
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hot take but maybe people should stop harassing/stalking the outsiders cast.
#seriously i’m so mad about this#people know right from wrong and following someone home?!#i have no words#like yeah i make my fair share of jokes on my blog but if i met them i would never even think about practically sexually harassing them or#<downright stalking them#behave or don’t go it’s not that hard#and to the person who justified it by saying they ‘’were asking for it because they’re attractive and in shape and wear tight costumes”#you are a vile fucking excuse of a person and i wish you the worst in life#imagine if the genders were swapped and a bunch of men/young boys yelled at young women to take their clothes off or followed them home#the internet would be going crazy and it would be taken a lot more serious#the fact it’s women talking about men doesn’t stop it from being gross and creepy and i hate these double standards#assault is assault no matter the gender#the outsiders musical#the outsiders broadway#the outsiders cast#the outsiders
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Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,
#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight#but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier#and i mean yeah#.....#i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw#so funny how i thought i was bi#I'm just really into women...#my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment”#we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we#can really understand#im not into men because you know#im a lesbian#had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared#turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things#i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :)#i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again#but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol#funny how love can be so complicated sometimes#i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh#it was better for us#hehe
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some 5am thoughts bc my cat woke me up:
solo stan’s and solo behavior can kick rocks
there is no right or wrong way to use a tracked tag — ppl have lives and ppl are busy, don’t get mad bc someone isn’t reblogging something within 2 hrs of it being posted. some of us use a tag to catch up since we’re too busy to be here 24/7, that’s not a bad thing.
if you’ve never ever ever spoken to someone personally you don’t get to speak on who they are as a human being. if you’ve never actually reached out and had a convo with someone abt who they are you’re doing a disservice to them and yourself when you just assume things abt them based on perception instead of fact
most importantly HOBI IS HOME so let us celebrate 😌🎉✨💖
#.txt#been thinking abt 2 & 3 a lot lately#you don’t know anyone beyond their fandom blog 90% of the time#what you see of me here is like a tiny fraction of who i am#and if there’s never been any effort to learn beyond that then …..#then don’t get mad at your preconceived notions of who someone is 🤷🏻♀️#the internet is crazy and since ppl put so much of their lives out there ppl get entitled and think everyone owes them everything#no one gets privacy or free time anymore in the age of the internet#and i value those two things very heavily. and so should you. there’s a life outside tumblr dot com
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I had the worst vaccination experience of my life today at the local CVS, and that's counting childhood vaccinations that I can remember crying at. The goal: Getting a flu and Covid vaccine at 4:30 pm, which I had signed up for online earlier this week.
I had to wait an hour past my appointment and that wasn't nearly the worst part. Everyone I encountered was simultaneously clearly overworked and terrible at their job. I realize this is kind of par for the course at CVS nowadays, but I got my Covid booster there last year and it was fine. This was. Not. On just so many levels.
First off, I got an email two minutes before my appointment, reminding me to arrive five minutes before my appointment. The check-in link didn't work, and the first CVS pharmacy tech I talked to about it told me to go wait on the chairs by the consultation room where they were giving vaccines. Then she told me after 5 minutes of that, whoops, I was not checked in in any way, shape, or form by just going to sit in a chair and I needed to come up to the Consultation Window to talk to the one (1) pharmacist on duty. He was on a phone call with an insurance company. More waiting. He then couldn't find me in the system despite my having received an email from CVS for my appointment. Eventually, after much confusion, he declared me checked in and told me to go wait.
While I was waiting, the guy giving vaccines took like 15 minutes for one person, came out after another long pause, asked for someone who wasn’t there, then asked for the names of all 4 of us waiting, stared bewildered at his tablet, and then wandered off behind the counter. It was 1/2 hour past my appointment at this point.
Nearly an hour past my appointment, the guy finally came back, and first says that the lady sitting next to me will go first. Then she pointed out that I'd been there the longest and was supposed to be seen at 4:30.
Vaccine guy's solution to this is to maybe just bring us all in at once because he printed out all our paperwork. Mass vaccination, whee. He insists on me and the lady sitting next to me to going in together. We both acknowledge this is weird, but we've both been waiting so long we just want to get out of here. The vaccine room is a disaster. Honestly, I probably should have turned around and left at that point. There was an overflowing wastebasket, wrappers for alcohol wipes and bandaid backings and cottonballs on the floor. The desk was chaos.
He called me by a new, exciting mispronounciation of my name that I've somehow never heard before, misread my birth date as being in March, then held out the bag of cottonballs and told me to take the last one. Then he left to find more cottonballs. There were no more in the pharmacy stock. He declared that he would take a bag from the shelves and they can yell at him later. Then he realized he was out of gloves. A similar song and dance ensued.
He then opened up the contraband bag of cottonballs, told me to take two more, and handed me a set of two bandaids, telling me to open them. This was all interspersed with him describing how understaffed they were and when you are done with this you can have a good laugh. He was clearly very past his last possible fuck to give.
Eventually, I was vaccinated, but not before he took both bandaids from me, put one on top of a cottonball on my arm where I got the flu shot, then gave me the covid vax, was confused about where the second bandaid went, and fished another from the box. Meanwhile, the opened, unused bandaid was sitting on top of the paperwork, where he had put it.
He put cottonball-bandaid combo on the second vax site, and I and the remaining cottonball he gave me to hold left. Quickly. I mouthed to the other people waiting, (who could hear everything because there is zero soundproofing on their "consultation" room) "Good luck."
I am never going to that CVS again. What the actual fuck was any of that.
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You know. I’ve been debating this for weeks now but I’m kind of upset with your decision to have a baby. You were one of my favorite Mewtwo artist but now it feels like you’re just throwing your fans to the side like we’re trash. Don’t we matter to you at all? We’re the reason you can even make anything on Patreon but now you’re going to leave us with an unfinished story? Way to make us fee appreciated and loved…
Anon do you like
Need a hug??? /gen
#I’m going to make some bread tomorrow do you wanna help???#it tastes really good fresh out the oven with some butter#fr tho I love all of my fans but I’m not gonna apologize for making a choice#if you feel this way please like#genuinely go appreciate life outside the internet#I’m just some idiot making a story#I don’t mean to come off as rude but last I checked the choice to have a baby was between me and Q#so#respectfully#you have no right to be upset#especially if all you see me as is my content#I really hope your day/night improves and you learn to live off the love you could be feeling for yourself#and not the content/validations of some internet stranger#anonymous#ask
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tip: I am so fucking mad
#yall will be like ohh mental health is so pronouns we love disabled advocacy#and then go out of your way to stalk harass and doxx a disabled poc who (checks notes) was a teenager with a dissociative disorder and did:#(checks notes again) stupid but overall not dangerous things#and proceed to compare them to real life predators and send the feds to their house for no reason#for internet clout.#you should not be proud of having quote ten years of documentation end quote on them when said individual is TWENTY THREE.#the way people on here treat ppl with mental illness is fucking incredible because they’re nothing but something to laugh at or something +#to dogpile and gang up on for some non existent justice#go outside
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im actually really good at admitting when i dont know things its just that people keep talking to me about things that i know a lot about and am objectively correct on
#this is a cartoony exaduration of a very real sentiment#whoch is that im often told that i come off like i 'need to be right about everything'#but i have achived a place in my life where i recognize when i dont have all the info or perspective nessesary need to Listen#and that i dont have to have a strong opinon abt everything#and that admitting that i lack knowledge or opinion rather than masking that with false confidence is better in the long run#bc it dosent put you on defense - makes you more receptive to new information + perspectives + corrections#its just that people will try to tell me their opinions about lawn mowers and im not going to pretend like i dont know more than them#when i do. which happens to be all the time#never met a person whos done as much reaserch on lawns + lawn care industry and related issues such as sore machines#(small off road engines)#i know theyre out there but the chances of me finding them is small and i have yet to do so#and then people try and give me their opinions abt this subject and if THEY dont shut up and listen i go rabid#like i know when its my turn to shut up and listen but sometimes im right and OTHER people need to be shutting up and listening#but also even outside of that i tend to come off as harsh/agressive/judgmental even when relaying info that im not obsessive abt like lawns#its the autism. i just word things blunt and talk with flat affect and dont know how to soften the blow well when correcting people#or even just adding my own perspective + ideas to convo without intent of 'correcting' anyone#such is life i suppose#just so long as nobody tries to tell me lawns are ethical ill be fine#<- remembers when i made a post that accidently got attention abt this subject and melted down#bc the strangers on the internet dont understand that this is my WHOLE THINF#if you knew me in real life youd understand. its my passion#text#im putting this is the lawn tag actually#lawn posting
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One thing I find incredibly funny is how people deem Donnie as super smart in all fields, which he for sure acts like. He can identify species of animal, he can calculate at a quick notice, he knows ins and out of everything around him.
Everyone and himself is painting him like this when he the very first episode assumes Mayhem is a NUCLEAR SAINT BERNARD. WHAT EVEN IS THAT? AND incorrectly guessed what the hidden city was only for april to actually explain it and donnie replies "ah yes that was my second guess".
He's literally making shit up sometimes and people aren't giving that enough time of day. He's smart, but also refuses to be wrong, even when he doesn't know anything about the subject because hes the SMART one. He is literally the one that would edit a wiki article to be right in an argument. Not often, but he would.
Interpretations are fine and all but it's strange how obviously he's bullshitting sometimes and people portray him as super smart at all times because of this. He tricked you. You fell for his ruse.
#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#mii talks#tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt donatello#rise donatello#rottmnt donnie#headcanons#rottmnt characterization#hes fucking clueless LMAO#silly guy#hes smart but also a 14 year old mutant turtle that grew up his entire life in the sewers and only had internet and april as outside sources
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Regarding the whole "Fandom Is An Escape, so why should I have to care this much about misogyny/racism/ableism/transphobia/etc." thing. Idk about the rest of you, but it gets kind of hard for me to "escape" when I keep seeing people say the same vile things about characters who share aspects of my identity that I hear all the time in real life.
#gotta say: it doesn't make me feel any better getting ignored/disparaged on account of my gender irl and then seeing every fictional woman#also get ignored/disparaged when there is no material difference between her and popular male characters other than her gender#how do I escape from irl misogyny if y'all keep willfully ignoring and flinging gendered insults at 99% (<-lowball estimate) of#female characters? how do I put aside the ableism I face in real life when y'all discuss disabled/mentally ill characters in the most#absolutely out-of-pocket way? how do I forget about biphobia when the 'arguments' you make 'for fun' about bisexual characters#in fiction sound EXACTLY the same as the things people say about my bisexuality outside of the internet/fan culture?#and then obviously this gets compounded if you are trying to even simply EXIST in fandom as a poc or a trans person or an intersection of#any or all these varying identities/life experiences#like yes caring about fictional characters is not the same as caring about real people OBVIOUSLY I can't BELIEVE I have to keep clarifying#that. and at the same time!! because multiple things can be true at the same time!!!! engaging in behavior that enforces pre-ingrained#societal biases and prejudices!!!!!!!! does not help dismantle those biases and prejudices!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in a real-world way that DOES#involve caring about actual people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it's also. interesting. when people go on & on about how some newest show about thin cis white (male) gays is So Important & Revolutionary#So We Must Do Everything To Keep It Relevant And Visible and then act this way about women/poc/trans people/disabled people/fat people#in media. so like. you DO agree that seeing a variety of life experiences represented in fiction is beneficial. you DO believe in the#value of depicting marginalized people. interesting that that only seems to apply to a VERY narrow and specific category of marginalization#(ugh remember when I talked about this and someone called me a straight person good times)
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A reminder the internet needs:
Telling someone to kill themselves is never acceptable.
There is no asterisk here. There is no "unless they're..." There is no "as a joke." There are no exceptions. Full stop.
#Suicide Mention#I don't know who decided to normalize this in recent years but they and everyone they have influenced need help#That's not an insult#I mean it genuinely#Seek help or-- at the very least-- introspection#I am sick and tired of how everyday it is to see this#Someone can be right on every point. I can agree with them entirely. But if they pepper what they say with a “kys” I block.#I do not and will not tolerate it#No one should#If you have become apathetic to something so extreme here is your reminder#There is no nuance#I don't care how terrible the person is‚ the punishment is not death#We're anti-death penalty in this house#It's especially ridiculous when it's brought up over fandom nonsense#You people need the internet taken away for a month at least#Go outside and understand what a human life is
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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Hanahaki+2012 Raph+Flowers or comfort
I couldn't bring myself to do Hanahaki at the moment, so have some 2012 comfort with flower crowns while still getting things done with the upcoming Lonely Flowers of the Nile rewrite (now with a new name TBA)
#my art#tmnt 2012#tmnt mikey#tmnt raph#asks#2012 mikey#2012 raph#teenage mutant ninja turtles#teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012#ancient egypt au#flowers#flower crowns#lfotn#lfotn rewrite#in the rewrite the 2012 family are happy and while they do tease and get on each other's nerves they're still loving and supportive brother#which makes things all the more tragic the further we get into the story#all art of tlfotn rewrite will have the 2012 turtles having rise plastrons#makes things a little easier for me#sorry if this was only a sketch#my life outside the internet was hectic as usual#plus i got some other stuff going on on the side#my bad#hope you like this little sketch for now
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