#let's hope today is just a shitty day and ill be okay tomorrow and this isnt indicative of a larger you know pattern

[butchnavi]

god i hate depression and chronic pain/fatigue

i should probably reduce my screen time

like i literally do not care about anything anymore

i can't remember the last time i finished a book without it being a big deal

i can't remember the last time i was able to watch even one episode of a show without constantly wanting to stop and literally dragging through it

i can't remember the last time i didn't literally force myself to get out of bed

i can't remember the last time i was able to finish writing a chapter of anything

i can't remember the last time i had a conversation with one of my best friends that didn't feel like a chore

ive started making fucking kms jokes

i can feel it pulling me down under again but im just so tired and i dont know how to stop it before it becomes too late and i forget how to think clearly anymore

[wizkiddx]

ohmyword if your doing req can u pls do another fluffy, domestic one bcos honeymoon morning is some i read daily AHAH maybe like the reader gets ill and toms away or something???? pls just anything fluffy

awh thank you for being so sweet abt honeymoon morning - I do think that's one of my favourite concepts ive done!! and I hope this suits what you want, im not so sure myself but I tried :)))

summary: you try to hide being ill from Tom before he leaves but inevitably it doesn't all go to plan

warnings: mentions of being sick, I think that's all - basically just fluff 

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

The night hadn’t really gone typically at all. Instead of relishing the last night with Tom for a few months, your body seemed to have different plans. Hence why now you were curled up in a ball on the sofa, staring blankly at the TV, while the washing machine whirred next-door in the utility room and the chemical smell of cleaning products enveloped the downstairs. At least when you were sick, you were a clean sick. 

You were also a quiet sick. You had been pulled from your sleep by the uncomfortable heavy sensation from your stomach barely an hour after you’d both headed to bed. Why was beyond you - what had been important in that moment was to get away from Tom. He was flying back to set tomorrow (or given the early hours currently, lunchtime today was more appropriate) and only had a single day to settle before launching back into filming. So the poor boy was inevitably, given time zones, going to be running on poor quality plane sleep for the next couple of days - you wanted to five him a final night of peace, at least. 

As a result, you’d crept downstairs and since then spent a large chunk of the night making good friends with the downstairs toilet bowl. Once you were absolutely certain there was literally nothing else in your stomach, you chucked some bleach down the loo; then stripped your *stained* pyjamas and chucked them in the washing machine; changed into some freshly washed stuff in the utility (comprising of joggers and one of Tom’s hoodies); before you could curl up in the corner of the sofa. 

And that’s how you’d been for an hour or so. Still feeling grim, unable to fall asleep as much as you were trying to and generally just lying in a ball of self pity. And that was fine… until you heard the unmistakable slow padding of footsteps down the stairs. 

“Love?… -hy’re you up?” His voice was drenched in sleep, making it pull on your heart strings, even before he had rounded the sofa and come into view. Dressed only in his heather grey joggers only, Tom’s curls sat ontop of his head wildly - sticking up at all ridiculous angles. And then there was his puffy eyes, barely open as he slowly processed the sight of you curled up on the sofa. 

“Just couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to keep you up tossing and turning. Why are you up bub?”

“Don’t sleep good without you… you know kicking me and stealing the duvet and stuff.” Never one to maintain a level of seriousness and ‘soppiness’ - it was instantly turned back to the typical relationship of the two of you. While rolling your eyes, you still chuckled at him in the low light of the TV. Tom took the opportunity to perch on the edge of the sofa, sitting so he was grinning loopily down at you. “You fancied putting a wash on too?” 

“...I don’t know just trying to be productive?” He was catching on, he was suspicious. You could tell. His eyebrows furrowed together and he delicately hovered the back of his hand over your forehead, feeling the undeniable heat radiate into his skin. 

“And bleach?”

“Toilet needed doing anyway.” You mumbled, head turning to stare back at the TV- knowing his eyes were piercing into your soul. He sighed, in your peripheries you could see him shaking his head in slight frustration, as his hand reached for yours, giving it a squeeze. 

“You’re ill aren’t you?”

“I’m alright-“ he cut you off with a low warning of your name, making you cower slightly because he’d caught you in a lie. “I threw up a couple times but now I just feel a bit ‘eugh’”. That was, to be fair, a completely truthful description of your evening and current situation. Maybe not put most eloquently but Tom definitely got the messsage, somehow reading your mind by lightly massaging your abdomen with his hand that wasn’t clasped with yours. 

“Come on... let’s get you back to bed.” As much as you wanted to argue with him, it was clear any attempt would be futile. One of things you love so much about Tom is how fiercely protective he is of those dear to him. His circles progressively shrunk as he learnt who he could trust and who ... well he couldn’t. The culling had left a handful of people who were almost central to Tom’s life - somehow you’d managed to wangle your way into these select few too. 

So no, there was not point arguing or suggesting he puts his own welfare first. 

After putting you back int the double bed, Tom had disappeared for 10 minutes or so, when he reinterred the room it was clear he’d been busy. His tongue was stuck out in focus as he tried to balance different mugs and plates on a tray to you. Even if you felt shitty, for a moment by just seeing how far this guy had gone for you - you’d never felt better. 

“Okay there’s some lemsip with honey to settle your stomach, water and a slice of toast just because you should probably see if you can keep something down.”

“You really are the sweetest.”

“And you’re the illest so get drinking love.” He laughed softly in the yellow glow of the bedside lamps that illuminated the room. It highlighted his prominent jaw line and the way his eyes crinkled in the corners and given your slightly off state, you might’ve spent a bit too long ogling at the man cosied up next to you. Never would there be a time you weren’t grateful for him. 

Turns out you couldn’t keep the toast down but the experience was somewhat less horrific - this time you were spilling your guts out into your ensuite, while Tom held your hair and rubbed your back. Eventually things settled, allowing The two of you nestle back into bed, Tom wrapping his arms round your stomach to lightly trace random patterns on the skin underneath your hoodie - as you nestled back into his chest more. 

“I really love you Tom”

“Love you darling, now get some rest and shout if you need anything.” You hummed lightly, almost letting go to sleep now your felt a bit less like your intenpstines were wringing themselves together. But not quite. 

“I’m gonna miss you and your stupid face.”

“We can talk about that when your better” It was as if Tom thought whispering and drawing circles on your stomach was going to deafen you to his words. Yes your stomach wasn’t having a lot of fun and you were tired - but you were not deaf. It was oh so predictable too, he loved to be absolutely ridiculous. Indignantly you huffed, rolling over and eyeing him intently. 

“What’s there to talk about?” 

“Just…. Just if your sick you shouldn’t be on your own. I could always just-“

“No no you couldn’t. You and me both know for a fact you do have a choice and even if you did it be pissing off a hell of a lot of people.” He pouted, you could tell even in the darkness of the night. 

“I hate having to leave you though, especially like this.”

“Yes but you love your work too. I’ll be here when you get back… maybe just with a bit less intestines.” Laughing at that, Tom pulled you onto his chest, pressing his tips to the crown of your head as your burrowed into his side. 

It can’t have taken more than 5 seconds for you to fall asleep, exhausted from the illness, the stupid time in the morning and maybe slightly for dealing with Toms idiocy.  

You were awoken in the morning to Tom stroking your hair gently, all dressed and ready for his flight - but still finding the time to fuss over you and wanting to say a proper goodbye. After practically ordering his to leave… you best believe he dropped in the fact he’d got both Sam and Harry to come round as your babysitter. 

He was an idiot. But he was your kind, caring , beautiful and loving idiot. 

[captaincravatthecapricious]

Ill and Alone- Prompt Fill

cw food mention, nausea mention, fever, anxiety, the concept of not feeling bad enough to merit comfort, depression, isolation

Hi!  I am still accepting bingo prompts!  The crossed out prompts are already written, the starred ones are ones that I have gotten, but not posted yet!  Let me know which character you want and if you prefer writing on a drawing! Bingo sheet by the wonderful @celosiaa​

Jon wakes up to Martin leaving before dawn.  Walks him to the door, hands him breakfast and a thermos of tea.  Goes back to bed, the sticky exhaustion nipping at his heals, at the back of his skull.  Inserted in the grit in the corner of his eyes.  

He wakes up to an empty bed, Martin’s side of the room looking sad and empty, usual trinkets of their cohabitation lacking.  No prescription on the nightstand, no glasses, no poetry book, no neatly folded outfit set out for the morning, closet looking empty.  

The room is bathed in the grey light of early morning.  Jon goes back to sleep.  

He wakes up properly at nine.  He makes tea, staring at the faded sticky note that Martin had written precisely how both he and Jon respectively take their tea.  Jon remembers by this point.  It’s been years since he Needed to look at the note, but he still looks at it because… well… it’s Martin’s writing.  Instructions written with care and precision, with a little heart and a smily face.  He doesn’t trace the writing, he isn’t that pathetic, and he doesn’t want the paper to disintegrate any faster than it already is… but he wants to.  

Martin will be back in a couple days.  He shouldn’t be this clingy…  But the flat already feels empty and cold.  Jon shivers, holding his tea close to his chest, and resisting the temptation to make a second cup for Martin.  

Jon teaches his classes.  He eats lunch in his office.  A sandwich that tastes like chalk and fills his mouth with cement.  He grades a few papers.  He teaches another class.  He rides the tube home.  He falls asleep on the couch.  He wakes up on the couch.  The flat cold around him, the cushions stiff and frozen against his slight and hurting frame.  Joints stiff against the chill.  

He thinks about making dinner, or even just reheating some leftovers, but he doesn't.  He texts Martin.  'Love you, hope the volunteer training is going well.'

He falls asleep.  Heavy and aching and so tired.  

He wakes up on the cold couch to a buzz from his phone.  'Going well, just finished up for the night.  Love you!'

It's dark now, but not late.  Daylight doesn't last long in the grey of winter in London.  Jon shivers.  He thinks again about dinner, and how Martin would want him to eat, but he just wants a warm shower and to go to bed.  

He considers his cane, but doesn't feel it worth the effort.  It is out of his way, and he would just like to get this over with.  

Jon hates sitting in the shower, but he hates baths more, and his hurting limbs won't keep him up any longer.  

Jon wakes up in a cold sweat.  Salt on his lips, saltwater on his lashes.  The flat is cold.  Cold like his dreams.  Panic on his breath as the Lonely dreams still hold him in their vice.  He wraps his arms around his chest.  He tries to rub his own back despite aching muscles, trying to make his own boney hands sooth him like Martin can.  He shakes and he cries silently.  

He checks his phone, the low brightness still stinging his eyes, and smears the numbers of the time beyond recognition, but he makes out no new messages.  

He pushes himself out of bed on aching legs, and shaking arms, pulling on one of Martin's sweaters and stopping by the loo.  

He makes tea.  And tries to take comfort because it is almost as good as when Martin makes it.  

Jon goes back to bed.  

It's morning and Jon's head hurts.  His head hurts and his arms hurt and his legs hurt and his back hurts.  

He almost pushes himself up to get ready for work, but he remembers it is Saturday.  

Jon rolls over to Martin's side of the bed.  Placing himself in the divot where Martin would be, if he were not out of town.  

Jon texts Martin.  'Morning, have a nice day, love you.'

Jon dozes.  

He should make breakfast.  But he isn't hungry, and he doesn't want to move.  Even if his small frame isn't holding heat, even under the thick covers of their bed.  He wants the weighted blanket.  He wants the heated blanket, but those live in the closet.  Those are for bad nights.  Mostly of the time He and Martin under the thick duvet is enough.  

But it isn't night and it isn't that bad, is it?  And even so, that is more effort that he thinks he can spare.  

He texts Martin.  

He texts Martin.  

He texts Martin.  

He texts Martin.  

Meaningless texts with the mundanities that are beyond him.  Little messages about missing him, about making tea, about reading.  None of them lies, but cutting out the dragging exhaustion that has given way to a dragging fever.  

And Martin texts back.  

Jon bundled in the heated blanket and Martin's jumper on the couch.  Dosing off to the Archers.  He still hates that show, but it's easier to hate something for the content than admitting he feels too shitty to even enjoy the documentaries he has been saving for the weekend.  

He grades some.  Not much.  And he makes tea.  

He thinks again about the leftovers in the refrigerator, but he doesn't have the energy to eat them.  Lacks the appetite.  

Jon falls asleep on the couch.  Tea cooling on the coffee table.  Papers spread around him in uneven heaps.  

Jon texts Martin.  And Martin texts back.  

Only the buzz of the phone keeping him from sinking deeper into misery.    

Jon texts him whenever he is awake to do so, and Martin texts back during his breaks.  

Jon's head hurts.  He is shivering despite the heated blanket that is tight around him.  Woken from another nightmare by his own gasping breath.  The Stranger this time.  

He calls Tim.  

"Jon?  Everything okay?"

Still gasping from the phantom hands rubbing him down, fighting the nausea that comes with that particular brand of terror, of that trauma of his invaded personal space.  And the desperation that someone come and save him from his cold and empty flat and end this lonely weekend.  

"Jon, are you alright?  Where are you, do you need your inhaler?"  

Jon probably does, but he fights for breath for a minute and he's more or less okay.  

"I'm home.  It's fine, sorry for calling."  He feels foolish for being needy, and more foolish still because he's fighting back tears now.  Tears over nothing at all.  Just the fever.  Just the dreams.  Martin will be home tomorrow, and Jon will probably be feeling better by then, and if not, it's probably mostly exhaustion anyways.  He's been having a hard time getting restful sleep.  

"Hey, hey, hey Jon.  It's okay to call.  Are you alright?  Do you need someone to come over?"  Tim isn't angry.  It still surprises Jon that there is no bite to his voice.  No snipping, not sarcasm, not annoyance.  Just... warmth, caring.  

"Just a little under the weather.  I'm okay.  Sorry for bothering you... Had a dream... and just... Sorry it's foolish.  I'm alright."  Jon shivers, and hoping he doesn't sound too soggy over the phone.  He aches.  Stupid joints.  Stupid immune system.  Gives out the minute Martin leaves.  Which... good.  He guesses… at least Martin isn't losing sleep over him this time.  He hates that Martin doesn't sleep when caring for Jon.  He Hates it.  He hates stealing sleep for him, even if this is the mundane way of doing it, he still has cost Martin too much over the years.  

"I'm gonna come over, okay?  It's not a bother, it's not an inconvenience, I had been planning to give you a visit anyhow, I've been too busy to drop by in a while and I want to see you because you are my friend, and if I make you soup as well, hey we both get dinner out of it.  I promise I Want to.  Sasha still has work, so I don't have any company tonight anyhow.  No plans.  Nothing."

"Not been hungry."  That's all Jon has the energy to argue.  

"Feeling queasy, or just the usual fever nonsense?"  Tim asks.  He sounds too cheerful for this.  

"Nightmare queasy now, but mostly just... fever probably."

"Oof.  One of those nightmares?  Yikes.  Well, that kind usually passes in a bit, then we can make you some Spicy Stoker Sick-day Soup.  This Is to my benefit.  Sasha isn't a big fan, and Martin isn't either.  It's a good excuse to make some good comfort food."

Jon almost smiles.  "'kay."  

Tim must guess he's falling asleep again.  "Get some rest.  I'll be there soon with some soup stuff and meds.  Don't worry about letting me in, I have a key, remember?"

Jon falls asleep on the couch.  

He wakes up to tea being set in front of him.  

Jon groans and rubs at his eyes.  

"I know I've said it before, but that note in the kitchen is fucking adorable!  I mean... a little sad that it took you that long to learn how to make yourself tea, but still fucking precious that the note still has a place of honor.  Not to mention, it's good reference for when I want to make you the perfect comfort cup of tea!"  Tim smiles at him.  

And it isn't the same as with Martin, but it still warms him up.  At least a little.  

"Hey bud, how are you feeling?"

Jon tiredly rock his hand in a so-so motion.  

"Mind if I take your temperature before you drink that tea?"

Jon turns his attention inward to see if what remains of the Eye wants to be helpful today.  "38.6."

"That... I can't tell if that is handy or inconvenient.  In any case, not bad but not great.  You okay if I start the soup?  You can either get some more rest of join me in the kitchen and we can watch some Buzzfeed on my laptop?"

Jon nods.  He gathers his blanket and his tea, and limps to the kitchen.  

Tim sucks in his breath at Jon's clearly stiff movements, and rushes to plug the blanket back in before Jon can move to do so.  

"You.  Are not gonna help, okay?  You can help by drinking your tea, and some water and then getting back to the couch and using me as a pillow and eating a little something."

Jon opens his mouth to argue, but sees the steel in Tim's glare.  Nothing unkind, but still solid resistance.  He nods.  

Jon falls asleep on Tim.  On the couch.  Empty bowls stacked next to Tim's laptop, cord plugged in next to Jon's blanket.  

Tim stays the next afternoon until Martin gets home.  Marin scolding Jon for not telling him he was ill.  Martin thanking Tim for coming.  Martin wrinkling his nose at the soup.  

Martin's prescription and glasses, and clothes and book back in their proper places.  Martin in Martin's divot in the mattress, Jon smooshed against Martin, still a shade too warm, but much better than earlier.  

Jon falls asleep in Martin's arms.  

[hearts4yang]

Lovesick but Literally (𑁍+♥︎)

𝐅𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟 + 𝐣𝐚𝐞𝐡����𝐮𝐧 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

the moment when your throat started to ache along with your head, you knew that you had to cancel your date with jaehyun. you and him had been dating for a few weeks. you had dates at least twice a week, so you felt a bit guilty when you had texted him that you had to cancel your date for today while surrounded in tissues and a mug that had knocked over on your bedroom floor. not wanting him to see you in your current state you lied saying that you were ��busy”

jae: hmm wanna go out tomorrow then?

y/n: let’s see if im busy tomorrow as well:)

jae: oh okay

you placed your phone down besides you. “let’s hope i don’t feel like shit tomorrow...” you mumble to yourself before allowing sleep to take over your body.

you woke up a few hours later to your body feeling extremely sweaty, but cold. you didn’t even check your phone before immediately feeling like you had to throw up. you sat next to the toilet, hardly being able to stand up straight as your head was spinning. “i think i’m going to cancel again..” you make your way back to bed. even using your phone had made you want to just restart your whole week.

y/n: it seems like i’m also busy tomorrow, i’m really sorry<3

jae: ah it’s no big deal, but let’s try again the day after tomorrow ^^

you smiled to yourself. damn you got lucky, even though you looked like a mess at least you get a hot boyfriend. you grabbed the small mirror on your bedside table. you looked at yourself and you looked like shit. your hair was all frizzy and your eyes looked dead. you chucked the mirror across the room and pulled the covers over your head before immediately taking them off as your body was burning up. “this is going to be a shitty next 3 days.”

you certainly were right. you ended up having to call out from work and cancel jaehyun three days in a row . you wanted to tell him that you were sick, but you hadn’t wanted your new boyfriend to see you in your current state. you lied on your bedroom floor while you felt as if your head was spinning in circles. this wasn’t a very ideal weekend, but it is what it is you say. it was until you heard a knock at your door. “who the fuck is it..”

you tiredly make your way and swing the front door open to see your beautiful boyfriend with smile that quickly followed a frown after seeing how ill you looked. “hi?” you say groggily.

jaehyun shoved his way, lifting you off the floors and placing you gently on your bed. “why didn’t you just tell me you were sick? you made your boyfriend very very worried.”

“well um i didn’t want you to see me like this...” you mumbled. you were stupid and you knew it.

he could only laugh before kissing your forehead. “well let me take care of you until you get better now..” he flashed a smile with his adorable dimples showing.

you had hit the jackpot.

[belovedbangtan]

Dive| Part 9| jjk

<Masterlist>

Pairings: Jungkook x y/n, Yoongi x oc

Word Count: 4.5k

Series Description:  Camping with your ex, sounds horrible right? The camping trip was   planned and payed for long before y/n’s shitty boyfriend broke up with   her. Her best friend Abby, Yoongi, Taehyung, Jimin, and Jungkook are there to make sure she has an amazing time. However, sharing a tent with  a smoke show like Jungkook is bound to lead to some complications.

Warnings: language, drinking, mentions of sex, hardcore flirting,  maybe Jungkook didnt change afterall?, 

✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️

You wake up on Saturday morning, in potentially the best mood you’ve ever been in. A ‘good morning beautiful’ text from Jungkook definitely helped set things off on the right foot. You reply back when he instantly asks if he can Face Time, so you get up and get dressed.

When the calls connect, your breathe hitches; fuck he was so attractive. You lean in giving him a cheesy smile, scrunching your nose and telling him good morning properly. Pretending not to be phased when he rolls onto his back keeping the phone above him. You totally weren’t thinking about riding him this early, nope.

“You look pretty,” He says with a playful smile. You pause coming back over to the camera, resting your forearms on the counter.

“You’re one to talk, do you just wake up looking like that?” You tease, giggling when he tries to contain his blush. Pushing his long, tattooed fingers through his recently washed hair.

“So… where do you want to get dinner tomorrow?” He changes the subject.

“Mmm I don’t care, you can pick.” You reach into your fridge pulling fruits out so you can make a smoothie.

“Well, what’s your favorite food?”

You grin at him, you were in a teasing mood, “I told you… remember?” your face drops a little.

He instantly sits up in the bed, his brows knitting together, “You did?” he asks quietly, “Uhm, let me think.” He pulls his thumb up to his mouth and he starts to nibble at his fingernail.

“You don’t remember Kookie?” You tease again, this time pouting a bit to really sell it.

“No… I-I I remember, it’s uhm Pizza? Or Pasta?” he pulls his lip in looking at you, clearly still trying to scan his brain for a memory that you knew didn’t exist. Pausing, you come close to the camera smiling wide.

“You know, I’m actually pretty impressed. I was fucking with you. I’ve never told you my favorite food, but you guessed right somehow,” You squint, giggling when he throws his head back onto his pillow at your confession.

“You’re so mean! I really felt like an asshole! All I could remember was on the float trip, you were so drunk and you wouldn’t stop talking about Pizza,” You both start laughing at the faint memory that seemed like it was so long ago.

“Ahh so drunk me told you, that bitch,” You shake your head earning a laugh from him.

“Yeah well drunk me likes to tell secrets too, so it’s all good,” You nod your head thinking of his own drunken confession and how thankful you were for it.

“What other secrets did drunk me tell you?” you ask throwing all of your ingredients into the blender.

He  looks up thinking about his answer when a smug smile starts to pull at his lips, “I mean besides when you told me that I was the sexiest person you had ever laid your eyes on and you wanted to try every sex position known to existance with me?”

You choke on air, eyes wide as you turn to look at him through the phone screen, “I said what now?”

“That I was the sexi-“He starts to repeat himself, but you don’t need to hear it again.

“Yeah, no I got it. Uhm, when did I… when did I say that?” you stutter, trying to seem nonchalant. It definitely sounds like something you would think, but why the fuck would you say that… to him! You hold your finger up, telling him to pause. Turning the blender on he watches you patiently for about a minute. You’re eyes nervously flicking to his, hoping to recall at least a piece of this memory. Once you’re done, you pour your smoothie into a cup. You take a sip as you walk over to the phone, leaning down to hear him.

“You don’t remember? Come on babe, not even a little bit?” He cocks his head, his sinister grin making you think that maybe it wasn’t so farfetched.

“No, I kind of remember… we’re we in the tent?” you lie, you had no idea. Maybe if he thought you remembered a little bit; he might ease up. Was it better if you were completely black out and didn’t remember, or you were only a little drunk and the memory is fuzzy? Either way, your cheeks were burning red.

“Nope, not in the tent,” He giggles readjusting the phone and you see his toned chest for just a split second. Again… maybe drunk you was onto something.

You tilt your head, closing your eyes tight trying to remember any moment where you would have been bold enough to say such a thing. Suddenly his laughing brings you from your thoughts, “What’s so funny?”

“Well, I was lying but is that something you feel like you would say, y/n?” His head tilts and you realize he just pulled a you on you. “Because, I have a Karma Sutra book and we can do a few pages a day… it might take some time but i-“ He rambles on sarcastically.

“You are such an ass,” You bury your face in your hands. How didn’t you catch on sooner? Probably because you had that thought but a more R rated version of it every time you made eye contact with the fucker. Of course, it was something you would say.

“So Pizza and Karma Sutra? Is that our date,” you quip raising your brows. His face hardens, his eyes locking on yours, you can tell he’s attempting to read you. Was this a part of the joke or were you serious?

“I’m joking,” You giggle, getting closer to the camera before whispering, “or am I?”

He tilts his head and runs his tongue along the inside of his bottom lip, “How’s your smoothie?” His voice is quiet. You smile, giggling a bit because he took the easy way out. You admired him for that. Obviously, you wanted to finally have sex with Jungkook. Clearly the sexual attraction was there. You gave him the perfect opportunity to talk about sex, and he deflected.

“It’s really yummy,” you smile sweetly, the both of you just enjoying each other, “Ill have to make one for you.”

He lets out a big sigh, and the smile that takes over his face reach up to his eyes, “Do you remember me telling you about how I wanted to uhm…” He rubs the back of his neck nervously, “just be home with you? Like do normal day to day things with you?”

You smile nodding your head softly, how could you forget.

“Well I meant it then, but… I really mean it now. I wish I was there to drink smoothies with you, and just talk about our day. Maybe lay on the couch and watch a movie with you, until we’re both starving.”

Your heart feels like it could beat out of your chest. You’d be lying if your head didn’t interfere a little, warning you of the last time he made you feel this way with these promises. You take a deep breath looking away from the screen.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” He says softly and you quickly shake your head. That last thing you wanted was for him to think that he should second guess telling you anything like that.

“No, I-uhm, I still feel the same way about that. I liked the idea then, and I like it now,” You tell him.

“Im glad,” he smiles again before clearing his throat, clearly letting the moment make him softer than he was used to being, “So you’ve got your work thing and I’ve got my family thing, then tomorrow we can get dinner and uhm… talk.” He mumbles and you nod your head, laughing to yourself at how flustered he seemed to be.

“Okay then I’ll text you, bye beautiful.”

“Bye Kookie.”

As your finger hits the red button, you wait for second to make sure he’s gone before collapsing onto your kitchen floor. Your stomach filled with an army of butterflies, and your chest thumping so hard you could feel it in your ears. You wished you could skip today and fast forward to tomorrow, eager to finally be able to call him yours.

✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️

The day flew by and before you knew it you were in the Uber on your way to meet up with your co-workers. It was Johnny’s birthday, and he all but begged you to be there. You’d be a bold face liar if you said that the men you worked with weren’t attractive. All of them were breaking the scale of attractiveness. However, you never once thought about them in the way that Jungkook was worried about. To be completely honest, it was hard for you to think about anyone the way you thought about Jungkook. Even when you hated him, you still thought the world of him.

You thank your Uber Driver, flattening your peplum skirt down when you get out of the car. Texting Namjoon to announce you arrive. He meets you outside instantly enveloping you in a hug, taking your hand and leading you to the table where the rest of your co-workers are.

“y/n! I was wondering if you would make it!” Johnny yells, standing up to hug you. His tall frame hovering above yours.

You chuckle, “How could I miss it? You told me if I didn’t come you would stop getting my coffee every morning!” you quip, he shushes you by handing you one of the readily available shots on the table. Tequila. Wonderful.

After a few more shots of the harsh white liquid, you’re standing at a table with Namjoon. He’s checking his phone because he can’t seem to stop working. You pull out your phone, thumb hovering above his name and the cute monkey emoji that accompanied it. You decide to send him a simple, Hey you. He told you he had to do a favor for his Aunt. After your call in the morning you texted a bit and he told you to call him when you left the bar. It was only an hour in and you wanted to leave already. Scratch that, you wanted to talk to him already.

“You seem to be in a good mood,” Namjoon’s calm voice snaps you from your reverie.

Smiling down at the name on your screen, “I am actually,” you giggle because you were. You were so excited and happy for the next step in your life, “You know that guy I was talking to you about?”

Is brows raise and he lets out a huff, “You mean the only guy you talk about, Jungkook, right? Yes, y/n, we all know about Jungkook.” He giggles and you playfully smack his arm. Okay maybe you were talking about him a little too much.

“Yes him, well we’re going to dinner tomorrow and I think I’m ready to ask him out.” You bite your bottom lip hard, just thinking about it.

“I think that’s probably a good idea,” He laughs, bringing his beer to his lips.

“I think so too. I just wish all of the doubt was gone, ya know?” you take a drink from your drink, “Like, a tiny part of my brain just keeps reminding me of how much he hurt me.”

“But he explained all of that right?” Namjoon asks, you nod sucking your drink down anxiously, “Well I think that speaks volumes. If he meant it, and he actually feels sorry, AND he explained why he reacted that way… I’m pretty sure he cares about you as much as you care about him.”

You slowly drag your eyes to meet Namjoon’s, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. He widens his eyes as he cocks his head, as if to silently say, ‘I know, I’m a genius’. You couldn’t argue, because he was right. If Jungkook truly didn’t care about you or your feelings, he wouldn’t explained himself at all. You inhale deeply, looking at your phone for the umpteenth time. Maybe he was still busy with helping his aunt, you think.

Before you can start overthinking, a very intoxicated Johnny finds you and Namjoon. Three more tequila shots, and your head is spinning now. You’re drunk but at this point you can manage to get an Uber. You tell Namjoon you’re leaving, and you beg him not to tell Johnny. You watched how he guilt tripped another of your co-workers when she was attempting to leave early, and you don’t think you have it in you to tell him no. He seemed like beast on the outside, but he had those puppy dog eyes on lock down. Namjoon hugs you and tells you to let him know when you’ve gotten home safely.

After your Uber is confirmed you walk outside to the busy street to wait for it. The strip of bars was insanely crowded, so you sit along the window frame of the bar you had just left. Looking at your phone once again, it was almost 1 am. Your hazy thoughts wondered if he forgot about you. What would he still be doing for his aunt this late? You get a notification telling you that your uber was about to arrive, so you stand up and walk to the edge of the side walk. As you search for the white Chevy Cruze your gaze is pulled to the group of people piling out of the bar to your left.

You roll your eyes at how obnoxious they were. Loud and clearly piss drunk. Suddenly the crowd spreads apart, and what you see must be a mirage. Her dress was clinging to her body and she was clinging to him. Him. His arm was around her waist as he walks with her to a car. Her drunken form wobbling along the cobblestone. He laughed at something she said, and it made feel like you were dying inside. She says something in response, but he only seems to be concerned with getting her home. He slides in after her, and you watch his familiar tattoos disappear as the car door closes.

Your Uber honks obnoxiously, making you jump. Inhaling for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. You get into the Uber, and you almost want him to take you the hospital. That cant be right, you think to yourself over and over again. So many questions running through your mind and you can’t find an answer for any of them. All of your questions reminding you of the reason you stopped talking to him to begin with. Reminding you of the fact that you really didn’t know who he was. It felt like your chest was on fire, burning your lungs from the inside out. You don’t know when the tears started to fall, but now they weren’t stopping. You sit back and you think. Your brain and the 8 shots of tequila having very different opinions on how to handle this situation. Fuck it, you think to yourself, tequila wins this time.

“Excuse me sir,” You sniffle, attempting to mask the heartbreak, “Could I change my destination please?”

His eyes flick to your red, wet ones through the review mirror and he listens closely as you tell him the new address. Once he changes his route, you melt into your seat. Wishing it would swallow you whole so you wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. As fucked up as all of this was, and as much as you wanted to disappear; more than anything you wanted a fucking answer. Why would anyone toy with someone this much? It wasn’t a fucking game and he deserved to know that. The Uber slows to a stop and you thank him repeatedly, and he asks you again if you’re sure you were okay.

The Uber drives away, and you stop, staring up at the tall building. The last time you were here, Jungkook was the drunk one. His arm slung over your shoulder, much like the image that scorched itself into your brain of him and mystery girl. The tears are back, you decide that they have a mind of their own, because right now you can not be sad. Sure it feels like your heart was ripped out of your chest, but you can be broken later. Right now, you have to be the girl that stands up for herself, the girl that knows she doesn’t deserve to be treated like an old plaything that you love one day and throw out the next. You deserve better, and you hate yourself for giving into his deception.

It feels like a video game as you walk the familiar path. Your hand tingles when you picture his hand pulling you up the stairs. When you finally get to his door, you stand there for what seems like a decade. Your fingernails digging into your sweaty palms, trying to build an ounce of courage so you can knock. You start to over think it all, as you start to walk away you hear a high pitched giggle and then a very aggressive ‘shush’. Then before you can overthink it any more your knuckles are knocking aggressively.

The door opens quickly, “Im sorry! We will be quiet I prom-“ His eyes meet yours turning pale in an instant, “y/n, wh-what are you doing here.” His voice is shaky.

You bite your lip hard to keep from crying on the spot, without saying a word you push past him and into his apartment.

He closes the door and turns to see you running your finger along mystery girls’ purse and coat, His eyes widen when he realizes why you’re here.

“Baby, No! I swear that is not what it looks like! She is-“ He rushes to you taking your hands in his and you fling them away from you pushing him back.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” You scream and his face drops, “I don’t care who she is! I don’t want to know anything! I really thought you cared about me Jungkook! I thought that you were different, even after all of those horrible things you said to Ben. I believed that. Turns out you were worse than him! At least Ben never fucking lied to me! He might have been a piece of shit but he didn’t lie to me! You don’t want to come home to me! You don’t want to be with me! This is all just some fucking game to you! Well guess what, I fucking quit. I don’t want to play anymore.” The tears on your face are constant now. Your knees tremble as you watch him reach out for you, pushing him away again.

“Kook,” a small voice yells out, “what is going on?” Mystery girl asks as she comes into view. She was probably waiting for him in his bed, your fist curls at the thought.

“Oh is this y/n?” She slurs, clearly still way too drunk, “Oh gosh she’s so pretty, why are you crying?” she tilts her head as he ushers her back to the hallway, whispering something to help her understand.

You exhale a shaky breath, why did she know your name? You swallow hard, wondering why something felt wrong. When he appears again, his face is hard.

“She’s my cousin…” He explains and suddenly the wind is knocked out of you.

“I should have told you what was going on but, I honestly didn’t know I would be doing all of this. It’s her birthday and she wanted to go out, so my aunt asked me if I would show her a few places. Her friends got way too fucked up, and she got way too fucked up. She started throwing up, so I brought her back here because I didn’t want to leave her like that…” He runs his hand through his hair stopping when he gets to his neck.

“I’m… I’m so sorry…” You blink at him, “I just saw you with her leaving the bar, and you weren’t responding to my text… and I don’t know..” you start to ramble, wishing that you could take it all back.

In one stride his hands find your waist, pulling you close to his chest. He reaches up to your tear stained face and delicately pushes your hair from your face.

“I’m not mad at you. It looked bad. I get it, I know that I still have to work on your trust,” His voice is soft as his forehead rest against yours.

You look up locking your glassy eyes with apologetic ones, “I’m sorry for screaming at you,” is all you can manage to say. Your head stopping you from spewing all of the thing your heart (and tequila) want you to say.

You feel his chest when he laughs to himself, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“You can scream at me, I don’t mind,” He chuckles reaching up to wipe another tear away, “But I really hate seeing you cry. I never want to be reason for your tears.” His eyes start to mirror yours, before he cries too you wrap your arms around his neck pulling him down to you so you can press your lips to his.

His hands meet behind your neck pulling you closer. The longer the kiss goes on, the more you don’t want to stop. His tongue presses against your bottom lip before you allow it to meet your own. You suck his bottom lip into your mouth before pulling away.

“Are you drunk baby?” He asks quietly pressing his swollen lips to your temple.

“I drank a lot of tequila,” you answer methodically, only causing him to chuckle.

“Well you should stay here, with me. My aunt is picking her up in the morning, but we can cuddle on the couch, is that okay?”

You smile and nod knowing he wishes the circumstances were different. What he doesn’t know is that even if you had to sleep inside the bathtub, you would stay because you wanted to be with him.

“Ill go get you some clothes,” He smiles and kisses your lips fervently once more before he disappears.

You put your things down and you quickly text Namjoon to tell him you’re home safe. Smiling as your fingers type the words because ‘home’ was starting to have an entirely new meaning to you. Jungkook returns with a pair of grey sweatpants and baggy t-shirt, handing them to you as he looks you up and down.

He sighs, “You look like an absolute Goddess in that outfit but I have to be honest,” He grins, pulling you close to his chest again, “I’ve been dying to see you in my clothes again.”

You giggle as his hands travel down the length of your skirt, stopping at the hem. His fingertips brush along your thigh, before traveling up slowly. You reach out grabbing a fist full of his t-shirt to pull him impossibly closer to you. When your lips connect with his jawbone, he lets out a sharp exhale. His hands ball up and he places them back onto your hips, making you slow your attack on his neck.

“What’s wrong?” you ask with a dramatic pout, pushing yourself back so you can look up at him.

“Nothing baby, its just that you’ve drank a lot,” a soft smile forms on his lips as he leans in to kiss your forehead once more, “Now go change so we can cuddle, yeah?”

You nod instead of protesting, walking to the bathroom to change into his clothes. His baggy sweatpants hang off of your hips and you know they look so much better on him. You fold your clothes up and place them on top of your purse when you walk out. His eyes are on you as you walk over to his seat on the couch, his eyes seemingly satisfied.

“Yeah… I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing you in my clothes,” He mumbles, pulling you down to him. You decide to straddle his hip, resting your head on his chest. You feel rather than hear his laugh as you exhale dramatically. The combination of his fingers running up your spine and the melodic beat of his heart slowly turns you into mush on his chest.

“I’ve missed you,” you say quietly before you can even think about it.

“Mm, I’ve missed you too baby,” He tilts your chin up, brushing your hair from your eyes so he can look at you before pressing his lips to yours once more, “Get some sleep, don’t want you to be tired on our date.”

____________________________________________________________

A/N: I think the next chapter will be the final chapter guys! Please tell me what you think! Also, request are open! I have a few that I'm working on currently but I'm searching for a new series to write! Also check out my new one shot, Simple Things, if you haven't already! 

Also, Im getting so fucking pumped for comeback, how are we gonna handle this new era guysss?!?! 

✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️✨✨⭐️

Taglist:

@cainami @carolsummerlove @zeharilisharaban @jikooksgirl19 @fallen-for-luke @madygswich @sugalarity @lofikoo​ @ggukkieeee @peachy-bhun @megs58298 @kawaiiayasan @ jeonchan26  @ambersaesthetics​ @hopekookies​ @rumpucis @iaintnohollybackgirl​

[disruptivebychoice]

December 3rd

Letting go

To tell, not just show

For my own peace

To be brought back to the now

As the present leaving the past

 A year ago,

I had given up.

I was at my lowest low

But when I did,

I found myself grow

Mistakes were made

Lovers meant to fade

But the girl who showed up

Stayed.

Looking back, I didn’t believe

In the girl that was me

Rightfully so,

Her worth she didn’t know

I had lost myself in a pool

One meant to drown in

As I played the fool

To sink

With death on the brink

That was her hope

Secretly a wish

But I know, she didn’t know how to cope

So, as her I was

She did what she always does

Made her forget she was alive

So, her lungs,

Found another hit to deprive

 Numbing wasn’t working anymore

I wonder if she had known

What sobriety could become

What it held in store

But the idea, was one ignored

I awaited her to wake up and see

That she had it in her,

She would take on every dream

Making them happen

No longer with lies to deceive

 I became strong through this gig

I say gig, because this whole year has been a gag

Miserable, happy. But mostly alone

But its where I found myself

A full blown

Adult.

 My instinct told me to write addict

Guess just habit, or maybe sporadic

But I’m so far from that today

With god on my side,

The one whom I pray

Still wishing for parts of my insanity to leave

I sometimes pretend

It already has been relieved

But late nights, it seems

That the seams of my pillow

Have seen better tomorrows

For tears to no longer collect

Because this addiction found itself deprived

So, I’m healed, right?

I haven’t filled my brain, my lungs with smoke

I mean I vape

But that other shit had me broke

Mentally, physically and emotionally

I guess I just want to be my own fully

 No one will understand the wit

The inside jokes the ones I can’t resist

With remarks to others

About my relationship, the one made as lovers

I say lovers because it’s the voices in me

That I find laughter amongst misery I keep

Last year,

I had it already created and made

That from the start

I’d see the good let the bad fade,

No matter the darkness

That tried

I wouldn’t be torn apart

It was better to look at the green grass

That would lay on the other side

But something, I’m still trying to find

I think I’ve given up the idea of being understood

Because I would never be understood

And I mean like ever.

My life is one I live as misunderstood

 But I’ve concluded I don’t need another

To tell me my worth

Because I can understand my own

The demons that eat at me alone

I understand the misunderstood girl

 But this is a promise to myself.

A forever.

Being clean

Has shown me the worst

It’s been mean

But its also been a dream

Because I never thought I could be

So, from this day on December 3rd

I’ll remain forever as cured.

Not from the insanity

Because like my journal

It states what is life without crazy

But this time, it won’t be drugs to blame

Just life on life’s terms

The shitty, the odd, the weird

The aftermath of addiction,

The once feared leaving

 It’s clear,

I’m fearful of ever reliving the past

Because it is told

To go back out,

Times your worst by 10

That’s why I leave it as a has been

 Because funny enough,

I’m still an addict.

Just recovered, so Ill accept it as so

Its dormant now, and will never grow

Because I shut the door

On what I once looked for on the floor

Now I stare at my feet

Or cat toys under my seat

Because its far better than the worst

Of losing everything till it hurts

 Rock bottom is no joke

It’s the story of how I broke

Which is a play on words

Because you see, I smoked those

Trust me, it blows

 Even though I might not feel

The freeing sensation, the real

It’s okay,

Because I no longer am able

To lose it all

Because I won’t fall

Not down that rabbit hole

Nor be the one played as a fool

Convinced a substance

Held the power of reality

What is reality when found high

It doesn’t exist

But for so long, I was convinced

Because it made me not feel

My desire to escape was powerful

But entirely unreal

Because that certainly wasn’t me

But the girl that writes this today

She’s real as can be

I know it’s her, it’s me

I can always believe

I’ve left the past.

Entered the present.

To stay, fully as one

With the girl,

Once an addict

Full blown.

[cherryhanji]

Winter Shenanigans

oneshot. bangchan x reader

genre: romance, fluff, roommate!au, college!au, friends to lovers!au nonIdol!bangchan

words: 8.3k

warning(s): some swearing, I guess

(Anyways~~~ it's my first longest oneshot using a first-person pov. I feel like I want to write this using it. I hope you enjoy it! Luvlots!)

Winter is the worst season for me. Reason? It's cold and melancholic. That's it. I never knew why people loved the winter the most. Ever since I was a kid, I never liked the idea of playing with friends on snowy roads, throwing snowballs here and there. I don't like the coldness of winter that brings me. And what made it worse? My ex-boyfriend dumped me on a cold, winter night. Fuck him and his shitty reasons.

Anyways, I've already moved on. I'm now happily living with my roommate slash best friend, Alexa. Same college sophomores and majors. We're both majoring in Psychology. My parents decided to let me become independent. I'm thankful that I have loving and supportive parents. We both live in a cozy apartment near our school. And that all makes it easy. I just need to think about my college life and our monthly rental pay. Simple, but full of pressure but I still enjoy it because I have my best friend with me. But still, I hate winter.

"Uhm y/n, can I talk to you?" Coming out from her room, Alexa called me softly as if she was hesitating to tell me what she wants to say.

"Hmm, what is it, Lexie?" I tapped the space between the sofa.

"You know about my mother right?" She carefully asked

"Uhm, of course. Why? Is she doing well?" I asked with a bright face. Her mother is ill. She's now bedridden but I hope that she's doing well.

"Unfortunately, no." She said and lowered her head.

"O-oh. Sorry about that. What are you gonna do?" I slowly caress her back.

"Uhm, I am planning to skip the next semester as I need to go back to Gyeonggi-do. It's hard for me. But it's my mother. I can do anything if it's her." She said. I froze, shocked at her confession. But my face softens as I understand her situation.

"Uhm. Are you going to stay there for good?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no. I'm not sure. But sorry to tell you, y/n. I think you need to find a new roommate. I'm really sorry. You can't pay the rent alone so I suggest if you look for another roommate. I'm sorry if I have to leave you. My bad, winter's coming, and here I am, leaving you alone." She said and half-smiled at me. She knows that I really hate winters, especially alone.

I smiled at her to let her know that it's okay.

"No Lexie, don't be sorry. Don't worry about me. How can I be mad at you if it's important to you? Don't mind me. I'm okay. I can find a roommate. But I'll miss you. I'll miss your rants, your screams, our drunk nights after exams. I'll miss hanging out with you. Just be good, and I'll pray for your mother's recovery." Alexa can't help but cry at me. I just hugged her tightly and shush her.

"Thank you, really, y/n. I don't know what will I do without you. I'll miss you too, idiot. Don't worry, there's facetime, and DMs yah know. We can update each other." She said while sniffing her cries. I'll miss my only college best friend. But still sad because I have to endure the incoming winter season. I need to find a roommate soon.

After cleaning the whole day. I decided to contact my new roommate.

Two weeks since Alexa left and within that period, I can't still find a roommate. I even asked the good landlord to help me find one. She gladly accepts it and now she's in front of me, delivering me the good news.

"So here it goes, y/n. I found you a new roommate." She gladly told me.

"Really? Thank you very much! Don't worry, I'll pay you tomorrow for the rent next month." I said.

"Oh no, darling. Don't mind it. He already paid your rent for the next month." She said. Wait, what?? HE??! As in a male? A boy? A man??

"Wait a minute, he, you mean-" she laughed at my shocked reaction.

"Yes, darling, it's a guy. Isn't he so sweet? By the way, he also goes to your school. And he's so handsome. Bet you'll have your eyes out when you see his gorgeous face." She said describing the guy as if he was some lost God who fell on Earth.

"Uh, really? I'm glad to know that we attend the same school. Anyway, when will he move? So I can clean at least the apartment." I asked as I take a look at the apartment. It isn't that dirty because I am a tidy person and so as Alexa, but I feel like it's kinda embarrassing if I didn't clean at least a little bit. Seems like I want to leave a good impression on my new roommate.

"He said he can move anytime if the apartment is ready. Here. Here's his contact. You can message him if the apartments ready." She handed me a card that has a contact number in it.

"Thank you for this," I said and accept the card she handed.

"I need to go. You can call me if you have any concerns. Have fun y/n, with your new roommate." She said and gave a playful wink at me. I just chuckled at her playfulness. Maybe I need to get ready.

I smiled as I send the message. Winter is now starting so I made myself a cup of hot tea. Winter sucks really. Fuck this cold weather. But I wonder why it doesn't feel like melancholic as I said it was? Maybe because of my new roommate? Is it because the landlord told me that he's handsome? Or maybe I'm excited because I got to have a new friend and luckily also attending my school? Who knows?

to: new roommate [22:47]

hello! This is y/n. your new roommate at Yellow Wood Apartment. I am glad to tell you that the apartment's ready. You can move tomorrow. Excited to meet you!

Winter season means there's a possibility of having no classes because of the weather. And that's what I'm facing today. I'm sitting on the couch with my lonely ass and cold feet. As I scroll on my phone, I can't see anything different but people posting their lives every winter, playing outside, enjoying the coldness of the weather. Ugh. Winter shit. I just played some music on my phone as I cook some ramen for myself. This is the only thing that makes me sane every winter. Calm music and ramen.

As I gave myself a hearty meal, the doorbell rang making me shift from where I sit. Maybe it's my new roommate. I fixed myself first in the mirror to make myself at least presentable even if I look like shit.

"Coming!" I shouted as I stumble on my way to the door. I gladly open it and froze in front of a god. Oh no, is he really my new roommate? Is this man sent from above my new roommate?

"Uhm, hi! Y/n right?" The man in front of me snapped me back in reality. I shook my head as he spoke.

"Oh yeah, h-hi .." I said shyly. Oh shit calm your ass down bitch. I look like I'm whipped for this man even though we only met for the first time.

"It's Bang Chan, but you can call me Chan, Chris, Christopher, or baby if you like?" He gave me a suggestive wink. Just what the actual fuck? Is he okay? How can he be this confident in front of me??! He just laughed at my shocked reaction.

"Just kidding. I'm a good person. You can trust me. But, Can I first go inside? It's kinda cold here." He said as he shifted from where he stands.

"Oh! Yes yes! Sorry. Here, let me get these." I said as I reached for his small backpack that was on the floor.

"No, it's okay. I'll look like an asshole if I let a gorgeous girl handle my things." He smiled sweetly to me as he grabbed all his things and went inside the apartment. Gorgeous? Me? Gorgeous? Oh god, what will I do now if I have this gorgeous guy as a roommate?

I showed him his new room and smiled brightly as he saw the cleanliness of it.

"Did you fix this yourself? Woah, It's an eye candy. I'm a minimalistic person. And this makes me so happy. Thank you for fixing this!" He said as he sat on the new fixed bed. I smiled as I saw how he enjoyed his new room.

"Uhm, thanks for appreciating it, Chan. I'm glad that you liked it. Would you like to have a look at the apartment?" I asked him as he still taking a look at his room.

He stands up from the bed and smiled at me. "I would love to!" I went first and he followed me everywhere I go.

"Well, I wish we have good memories as new roommates. I said and gave him a glass of orange juice.

"Yeah. I hope too. By the way, you're a college sophomore, right? Where do you study? Bet it's near the apartment." He said as he drinks his juice.

"Yes. I study at Levanter University. A psychology major. I heard from the landlord that you also attend there. What are you majoring in?" I said as I sit down on the chair.

"Really? It's good to know that we attend the same school. I'm also a sophomore, majoring in Music. I really love music. Ever since I was a child, I've dreamt of being a professional music artist and composer. That's why I chose it as my major." He said. I can see that he really loves music as his eyes twinkle when he talked.

"Really? I hope I can hear you sing someday." I clasped my hands in excitement.

"Oh yeah sure Uh, by the way, who used to live here with you? Is it also a guy?" He curiously asked as he put his elbow on the table with hands on his chin.

"My best friend used to live here. But sadly she needs to go in her hometown to look after her sick mother." I told him. His face saddens a little bit.

Time passed by and we grew close to each other. I found out that he has these gorgeous eight friends since middle school. But some of them are not studying in our school. Jeongin, his youngest friend, looks like my younger brother, so I grew close to him the most. He's so caring, sweet, and lovely. Meanwhile, Changbin and Minho are the ones who also study in our school, like Chan, Changbin is also majoring in music. Minho is majoring in Business Administration. While the others, Hyunjin, Felix, Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin are freshmen from other universities. They usually hang out at our apartment and I'm no against in it. I really love hanging out with them. They're so approachable and funny. 

"Oh sorry to hear that. I hope your friend and her mother are doing fine." He said and smiled at me. I nod at him in response.

"Isn't it nice today? Winter is already here! It's good to have a cup of hot coffee and a heartful talk." He said as he looked at the window outside.

"I don't think so. I'd never like winter." I shrugged as I drink my juice. He looked back at me as if I was some crazy woman.

"You don't like winter? But why? People love it. It's nice and cozy, I live winter actually." He said and looked at me.

"I just don't like it. I like warm summer, autumn, and spring. Winter never excites me. Even when I was a kid. And my boyfriend dumped me on a cold winter night. That made worse. " I explained to him carefully. He just nods at me. Accepting my hate for winter.

"Oh I see, so how do you endure winter? I mean what do you do when the season comes?"

"I just hang out with my friend. Drinking, eat ramen, or anything that makes us warm. But when I'm alone, I usually sleep or binge-watched some dramas." I said and he nods in response.

"Hmm, it's not that boring tho. Me, I usually write songs and make some mixtapes when winter comes. I just love the feeling and emotions that winter gives me. In that way, I can make my music."

"Really? Wow, you're talented. I wish I have that kind of talent too. But I suck at those." You shrugged and chuckled. He just smiled and talk further.

Alexa decided to study next semester but in her hometown. I'm sad knowing that she'll not continue to study here but we promised each other that we'll contact and update each other.

"Noona!" Jeongin surprised me with a hug as I opened the door of the apartment.

"Oh my Jeongin! How are you, my little boy? Come inside. Hey guys!" I let them inside the apartment. Another noise from the freshmen including Changbin. It's always like this. Every time they go here. It's always this noisy. But I love it. It makes me happy and not alone.

"Hey Channie," I said as I welcomed Chan who looks tired.

"Oh hi, y/n. how's school? Sorry, I let you go home by yourself. I was just busy and these stupid boys asked me to meet them."

"Oh, it's okay. I prepared you some food." I said and cling my arms to his. We always do this. It's very comfortable and I feel like I'm in my home.

"Thank you, dear," he said and ruffled my hair. Oh. That nickname. Fuck. It makes my heart do somersaults. Is it normal to feel this for a friend like him?

"Hey lovebirds, we brought some colas and pizzas!" Minho shouted from the living room as they prepare the food they brought.

"Shut up Minho! Mind your goddamn business there!" Chan shouted

"Okay then!" Minho replied and burst a laugh.

We just sat and decided to watch the newest drama we happened to saw on Netflix.

"I'm freaking tired. Chan-hyung! I think I need to go by now. We still have exams for tomorrow, right Hyunjin?" Seungmin said as he stands up and yawned.

"Oh shit! Right! Hyung! We need to go now! I need to review some past lessons." Hyunjin said as he ready himself to go. The others also get ready. I decided to stand up and try to clean up.

"Let's do that, later. Let's say goodbye first to the boys." Chan said and I just nod in response.

"Goodbye Chan hyung! Goodbye noona! Good night!" Changbin and others bid their goodbyes.

"Yeah, yeah goodnight! " chan said as he pushed the boys out. I chuckled and waved my hand at them.

"Maybe it's time to clean up," I said and Chan nodded and went to the living room to clean.

The annoying alarm woke me up. I still have my classes on Saturdays. But Chan doesn't. When he first wakes up than me, he usually asked me to walk me in school. But sometimes he wakes up late, I just prepare some breakfast for him and leave a note telling him that I left.

As I walk out of my room, I heard some shufflings and noise from the kitchen.

"Morning sunshine! Eat and get ready for your classes." Chan greeted me and smiled.

"Morning Channie. You wake up again early?" I said as I sit down on my chair.

"Yep. I woke up early and can't go back to sleep so here, I prepared us breakfast." He said as he finished cooking and sit beside me.

"Thank you then," I said and started eating.

"I'm going to the mall near the university. Mind if I walk you to school?" He asked

"Hmm. Is it okay?"

"Of course. Hah! " he said and chuckled

"Thanks though. What are you going to do in the mall?" I asked him

"Uh, it's Changbin's birthday on the 11th. I planned to buy him some gifts."

"Really? We should celebrate it here!" I clasped my hand as excitement fills me. It's my first time to celebrate a new friend's birthday.

"Sure thing. I'll wait for you later after classes. Just text me if you're done." I nod at him and he smiled. So excited to celebrate Changbin's birthday. It's two days from now.

We just walked from the apartment to school as I still have a lot of time before my first class starts.

"So see you later y/n. do well, okay?" He pinched my cheeks and scrunched his nose.

"Yes, I will. Now go to the mall and buy Changbin a nice gift." I waved my hand at him as I went inside.

I met Minho at the cafeteria. Luckily we have the same schedule of break time.

"Y/N!" Minho went near me with food in his hands.

"Oh hello, Minho! Uh, can I ask you something?" I asked him and let him sit down on the chair beside me.

"Uhm, what is it?" Minho said as munched on his food.

"It's about Changbin. Do you know anything he loves? Like favorite clothing? Perfumes? Or what? It's his birthday the day after tomorrow, right?" I said and sip on my drink

"Oh yeah, Changbin isn't a picky person. As long as it's from a good friend, he'll love it." He tilted his head and chuckled.

"Oh, it's kinda hard. But anyway, thank you for that. I'm going to buy him a gift later. And I asked Chan to celebrate it the apartment." I said

"Really? That's a good idea! By the way, it's already time. Need to go back! See you around!" Minho stands up and bid his goodbyes. I waved at him and decided to attend my last class.

"Y/n!" Chan waved at me as I saw him outside the campus.

"Hey Channie!" I smile while happily ran to him.

"You look cute doing that," Chan said and ruffled my hair. I lowered my head to hide the lingering blush on my cheeks.

"Channie, do you mind if we go to the mall again? I just want to buy Changbin a gift."

"Hmm.. Sure! I'll help you. " he said and took my hand. God, why is he doing this? He so freaking sweet. I feel like I'm having a date with my boyfriend. Wait-- fuck boyfriend?? Erase erase. We're just friends, okay?

After I got the best gift for Changbin, I decided to take a look at the shelf and found this cute little thing that caught my eye. I took it and stare at it like it holds my future in it.

"You like that one? It's cute." Chan said as he also takes a look at the music box.

"Uh, yeah. But nevermind. I didn't bring enough money for it." I put it back to the shelf as I have no plans on buying it. But I turned to Chan as he grab again the music box and grabbed my hand.

"Let's take it. I'll pay for it for you." Chan smiled and went to the cashier.

"Hey, Chan! You don't have to." I pulled back his arms.

"No. Think of it as my gift for you. A gift to my friend. Don't worry." He said and went to face the cashier and hand his payment to her.

"Thank you for this! I really appreciate it!" I said as I stare at it again and listen to the calming music playing.

"See? You love it. What will happen to you if I didn't buy it?" he chuckled and turn his head to me. Oh no, I know he's staring at me, and stop these loud heartbeats! He might hear it! Why are you like this?? It's a simple gift. Do I like him? Yes, I appreciate all the efforts he did and the small things that he did for me. Do I already like him? I mean, it's not a bad thing if it is. But I'm scared that he might not feel the same. But it doesn't matter to me for now. I just need to forget these lingering feelings.

Changbin's day dropped on a fine Saturday. All of the boys went here including the birthday boy to help in preparing for the party later.

"Need help in cooking?" Chan asked peeking from the kitchen entrance.

"Uhm, yes, please. Changbin's foods are quite a lot!" I said as I cut the ingredients for my own version of kimchi fried rice.

"Poor little y/n. here you go." Chan started to help me, asking what should he do, or what ingredients to put next.

"They're so noisy, aren't they?" Chan chuckled as he groaned to the noise from the living room.

"Don't act like you're not one of them Channie," I teased and smacked his arm.

"Why? I'm a good boy!" I glared at him and he just laughed at me.

"Hey sweethearts! Where are the foods?" Changbin went to us while wearing his birthday hat. It's his idea. 22 years old my ass.

"Just you wait little prince, the food is nearly ready," I said

"Go away Changbin! You're so excited as hell, it's still early! Mind your business outside!" Chan said and shoo Changbin away. He just huffed and pouted at us.

"Happy Birthday hyuuung!" The juniors greeted him cheerfully after we sang him a happy birthday.

After lots of drinking and eating, the other boys were now drunk. Leaving me, Jeongin, Seungmin, and Felix sober. I chose not to drink a lot as I thought of having atleast one here have a sober mind.

I woke up peacefully without the sound of an alarm. Sunday morning. No classes, a good day to rest. But I need to clean first the mess outside.

*ring ring

"Hello? Y/N?" It's Alexa! I missed her voice.

That night, Chan brought some pizzas and colas for us. Watching some movies before going to sleep.

After our classes, Chan and I went first to a fast-food chain to buy some food.

"Lexie~" I screamed at the top of my lungs running to Alexa

"So, how's living together?" Alexa said as she grabbed a slice of pizza and bite on it.

"What do you think you're doing Alexa?" I whisper shouted at her while Chan left and went to the bathroom.

Alexa slept early because of the long travel she took. Me, on the other hand, still resting on the couch, scrolling through my phone, when I felt someone sit beside me.

"Take care of my friend, Chan. I can count on you, right?" Alexa said turned to us before she goes outside.

Winter is near again. And Chan's one year here is near too.

I just need a simple outfit since it's fucking cold outside. But shit, we're going to his parent's house. Maybe it's not bad if I wear something nice beneath my thick parka. Ugh. Why do I feel so nervous? As if I'm getting judged by his parents later. Calm your ass down, y/n. it's just dinner. No more, no less.

Winter is now starting and here I am again, sulking at one corner. We're out of fucking tea! My one and only partner in this season! Fuck!

"Y/n! You ready?" Chan knocked on my door while I'm still getting my bag.

"We're here. I'm glad to show you around my childhood home. This is where I grow up together with my siblings. It's nice isn't it?" Chan said and faced me.

"So y/n, is Chan a good roommate to you?" Chan's dad asked me. Like him, Chan's dad is a good looking man. Like Chan in his 40's. something like that.

"Where are we going?" I asked Chan as he wears his shoes going outside.

I guess winter is not that bad. Especially when Chan is always here beside me, he can make my winter warm and comfortable.

"It's quite calm and quiet isn't it?" Chan said as he stares from nowhere. I just shrugged at him and swayed my feet.

[la5t-res0rt]

fun fact fucko no one cares that he’s trans, gnc, or autistic. all they care about is that he said someone wasn’t bisexual all because they hate them. thats fucked up no matter who you are. being austistic isn’t an excuse to be an utter dick hole.

alrighty folks strap in because we are in for a long one today

to start off i will begin by saying that i care about the identities of people i like and call friends i care enough to listen and learn from them because they have different perspectives on issues that i as a person who is none of the things that this person is will ever understand

it is important to listen to people and learn from them not just shine a light out of your ass for someone out of a weird place of blind worship thats honestly so cringey but that isnt what this is about this about you and likely others harassing ad sending death threats my friend and comrade betel bitches

i will now be going under a readmore to spare the dashboard

so lets recap what exactly is he being harassed for

as you all are no doubt aware there is a blog called nether receipts where a certain user we shall not name catalogs instances where members of the beetlejuice fandom are harassed correction its a blog where this person catalogs instances where flaws in their character as well as the characters of the people around her are highlighted and critiqued with the occaisional off color remark and threat which i obviously do not approve of who would

anyway following reading some ill-informed and not-so-well-phrased comments from a certain narcissistic user about their sexuality my friend had this to say

this was the post that got them put on this receipts blog which really exists as a source of people for a certain cluster of the beetlebabe fandom to harass and try to drag or cancel 

this is the post that has made people call him biphobic and here is why thats wrong and stupid

you said in your ask that he only is saying that this icky person is not bisexual because there is malice between them and while yes its true that there is malice orion never once said that this person wasnt bisexual

i took the liberty of sifting through the harassment asks he received yesterday because you all love receipts so much i took the liberty of grabbing a few and adding some highlights so you dont miss the important bits

orion never once said this person isnt bisexual he stated that equating doing femme on femme  pornography to bisexuality is a biphobic statement and is in fact a problematic thing to say

there may be crossover between bisexual people and people who do femme on femme but they are far from the same thing doing pornography is a choice you actively make and you do it for compensation however being bisexual is simply part of who you are it is something you dont choose 

although this person would perhaps disagree

and before you come for me this person posted these for the world to see and obviously i have as many receipts as my drive can carry furthermore how does this argument make sense why would you care so much about heterophobia if youre not heterosexual why are you so pressed oh wait is it perhaps

because this person is using the split attraction model for woke points like this screams that this person sees women as sex objects or perhaps this person is comphet and is denying themselves because heteronormativity is so deeply ingrained in their being that they wish to cling to heterosexuality to keep up their squeaky clean white feminist woman persona or maybe theyre just not well informed on lgbt+ issues

editors note the editor is an ace person who considers using the split attraction model is situations like this isnt exactly helpful like i cant stop you from doing it but you shouldnt have to say im a bisexual heteromantic person you can just be a  bisexual woman and keep dating men you dating men doesnt erase your bisexuality saying that you would have sex with a woman but not romantically be involved with them makes the editor think woman = sex object and as a feminist the editor has to say thats fucked up

i will reiterate implying that doing pronography of any kind is equitable to a human sexualty is harmful to bisexual people and if youre like uhhh im bi and i think its okay guess what you do not speak for every single bi person so you should try harder to be compassionate for other peoples level of comfort

in any case statements like these are hurtful to bi people equating voluntary sex work to a sexuality isnt okay and its something that person should maybe address and consider apologizing for but since this person only listens to people in their inner circle and they dont even really listen to them its unlikely that this person will ever make amends for past biphobic tendencies because as everyone has been so quick to point out being bi doesnt excuse biphobia or homophobia or anything of the sort editors note heterophobia is not a legitimate issue im sorry if you feel oppressed for your straightness but really thats a you issue 

here is one more screenshot where my friend basically covers what i have just said as well as reminding the world that the owner of nether receipts is a narcissist 

being a bisexual person does not excuse you from saying biphobic things and there is literally no identifier you can use for yourself that exempts you from criticism for your actions and it doesnt mean that people cant demand that you address the wrongs youve done or said

you dont have to listen you dont have to do anything but dont be surprised if you say something shitty to a group of people and they get mad at you

also all that being said what orion said was not biphobic if anything he is raephobic but lets be honest who isnt ok there thats my one funny haha for you

we have every right to criticize someone who creates simulated cp and shares it with minors in 18+ servers or someone who equated bisexuality to voluntary sex work or someone who accuses people who disagree with them of being fascists or nazis or someone who goes out of their way to repost and edit art in a mocking manner or someone who actively claims to own a fandom like these are all critique worthy behaviors that all come from the same person who never explains their actions never holds themselves accountable for the shit they cause like we as people who share the same space as this person have every write to call bull roar when we see it

it is no secret that i dislike his person and it is also no secret that i will not hesitate to the the opportunity to drag them for being a shitty person whenever the opportunity arises and since their most recent beef with me was about how i was a bad friend i guess i figured this would be a good time to come forward for one of my friends who received dozens of harassment messages and several death threats over his commentary on the actions of this one vile individual

and i am addressing them now if they ever end up reading this or when it is inevitably sent to this person 

if youve got a problem with the way he and i or other antis critique you maybe come out from behind your wall of dipshit cronies and talk to us your damn self i am very sick of having to deal with nasti or morgan or that one minor or suz or that person that runs the rp blog or any of the others in your little hoard im tired of them trying to be slick like we see you we see all of you

all of your simulated cp aside youve said some really shitty things that you could easily amend since youve likely learned more about what it means to be lgbt+ since it is now a community you see yourself being a part of 

part of being human is learning from your past and making a better version of yourself for tomorrow and although i think you are a really awful person i dont think youre above self betterment and self reflection and self awareness 

also you dont seem to care at all when threats are being tossed around by your buddies but no matter how much me or orion or any of the others dislike what you do no person in their right mind would be okay with sending death threats and you shouldnt either you should at the very least extend that courtesy 

anyway

fuck you asker youre full of trash garbage and i hope you have a not so good day like i hope it rains or something invalidate my friends identity and ill yell at clouds

[hotchley]

hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

[xlokiofchaosx]

Writer’s Block by A.A.Hutchings

I am desperately searching for happiness,

just like everyone else in the world.

No matter where I look, no matter where I tread,

no matter who I find,

happiness is nowhere.

They speak of it, I see the happiness in other's faces,

How did they get it?

Who did they sell their soul to?

I don't understand why I don't get to be happy either.

All I ever hear is that it's going to get better,

just hang in there...

I've been hanging on for years.

I am still hanging, waiting to get pulled back up from the cliff,

weights tied to my ankles.

Don't get me wrong,

I have had moments of happiness,

I have gotten a taste of it,

Which is just want makes me want it even more.

Do you know how painful it is to want something you can't have?

I am so desperate to be able to breathe again...

It's hard to breathe when every inhale is like breathing in acid,

I am drowning and burning all at once.

This illness is deadly, and I don't have much longer.

They say stay positive,

they say being happy is up to you.

Fools,

You don't understand and you never will.

The illness refuses to let me go,

it attaches itself like a parasite sucking out any motivation.

Hope?

Oh my darling, I have none.

Evil continues to prey on me,

fighting back is an endless battle.

If you ask me what I want,

I will tell you I wish to die.

Dying is so much easier than this,

there is no hope to me.

This world?

Screw this world,

I didn't ask to live and I regret breathing every day.

What an evil system,

I had no chance in this world.

My heart is exceptionally strong,

I know this because I have lasted this long.

But even the strongest have limits,

and I fear I have reached mine.

Where do I go from here?

Who do I talk to?

I have so many,

yet I have no one.

No one truly cares,

they all have their own life.

If I have learned anything,

it's that every human is clouded by themselves.

I am no exception.

It's so hard though

when you need someone but there is no one.

Where are you?

I have no idea who you are,

I cannot fathom what you are,

but please I beg you to help me.

Get me out of here.

I have to save myself...

but how can I save myself?

Loneliness is caused by having to suffer alone,

walls are built by having no help.

Who is the one keeping me from ending it all?

Me.

Who is the one forcing me to get out of bed despite it all?

Me.

I am so sick of having to save me,

I hate me, why am I even saving me?!

Why have I not given up?

Maybe there is a small fracture of hope within me,

it longs for a breath of fresh air,

it cries for relief.

This illness isn't sadness,

it is a MONSTER.

When monsters attack you shouldn't be expected to fight it alone,

but you will find that anyone with this monster clinging to them is forced to do so alone.

This part is for you, dear monster,

if it were up to me,

you'd be dead.

Your love for the taste of my soul is killing me,

that is exactly what you wanted...

you don't care.

They act like you're supposed to show mercy on me,

you and I both know they are lying to themselves,

how can they know the truth when they haven't seen you the way I have?

Some don't even believe you exist,

people like that make you very happy.

If you don't exist then there is no problem,

you don't want me to see that there is a problem,

you don't want anyone to see it.

I beg them to see it, I beg them to free me.

Monster,

you know that if you are ignored you are stronger.

Monster,

you know if I don't get help you will have me,

And Monster,

you know exactly how to make sure I don't care if you do get me.

Does it make you happy to know you're winning?

Of course, which is why you just work harder,

you consume any light and leave only darkness.

I am so sick of the dark.

I am losing everything,

how?

Because I am losing me,

how can I exist if I am no longer there?

No matter how hard I try it won't go away,

no matter what I do the monster always gets his way.

"Try harder," They say,

That's not how it works, not yesterday, not tomorrow,

and definitely not today.  

I need more than just a smile,

I need more than a simple hug,

I will rage if you say it's going to be okay.

What I need is freedom,

what I need is proof that there is light, not words and lies.

Love from others,

love from myself,

and love for life.

That can't happen with the monster,

I cannot feel with him strangling me.

Getting free is a long and hard struggle,

happiness will always escape my grasp until something changes.

I cannot change it all though,

It isn't in my power to do so alone.

Do you think I am wrong?

Then you have never been where I am.

I am in a society that makes it so I have to suffer,

this community disables those with my illness,

this world enables my monster.

It's like they want it to eat me alive.

I think that is what gets me the most,

I care so much in a world that doesn't care at all.

There are ones who love me, who I hold dear,

but telling them how I feel just makes it worse,

I become their burden, what's the point?

If I tell them they just feel bad, they want to help,

but they don't know how,

They just tell me it's going to be okay,

don't tell me that unless you know exactly how to solve all my problems.

It's going to be okay?

bullshit,

that is a lie and everyone knows it.

Just look around,

it'll never be okay until there is a massive change not within me,

but around the world, and in our society.

I cannot breathe,

this illness is real,

this monster is suffocating and I am only human.

I am only human...

why does everyone act like I have to be more?

Humans are not meant for the world we have built,

when I get told I am going to hell for being who I am, I laugh,

it's so funny...

because I am already there.  

Look around,

it shouldn't take having your soul being crushed by a monster to see it.

If you think this system works you are BLIND,

you are a FOOL.

Wake up.

This illness has only one perk,

at least I am not lying to myself about how shitty this existence is.

I do not wish this world upon anyone,

even my enemies deserve to breathe better air.

I just want peace,

I want it in my mind,

I need it in my heart,

and I hope peace for all...

including the monster.

Monster, I speak to you again,

I cannot wait for the day for you to transform from something evil,

to something that I am able to tame.

I know I can never truly get rid of you, monster,

but I look forward to the day where you are no longer illness,

I long for the day where you are simply just a reminder,

a reminder that even at my worst I can succeed.

I just wish that I make it that far,

but it's not all in my control,

and that's the scariest part.

My life isn't in my control.

[vvitchmemes]

𝐋𝐎𝐂𝐊𝐄 & 𝐊𝐄𝐘: 𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐒

spoilers for season 01 episode 10 of netflix’s locke & key. tw for: addiction, violence, murder, death, demons, illness, injury.

❝ Here you go, two lattes. ❞ ❝ It’s perfect. ❞ ❝ Thanks for suggesting this. ❞ ❝ Six years of sobriety, just… poof. ❞ ❝ Slips happen. They don’t erase the progress that you’ve made. ❞ ❝ That day at my house, when you came by to check on me, you knew, didn’t you? ❞ ❝ I suspected. ❞ ❝ Everybody’s recovery is different, but what worked for me was small steps. ❞ ❝ It’s all about tomorrow, not the next year, or the next five. ❞ ❝ I just feel stuck in today. ❞ ❝ (Town/city/place) was supposed to be our fresh start. ❞ ❝ It hasn’t quite worked out the way I hoped. ❞ ❝ Maybe living here is not healthy for me… ❞ ❝ It’s only been an hour. ❞ ❝ We just need to wait and stay ready. ❞ ❝ What happens if Mom comes home? ❞ ❝ This’ll all be over by then. ❞ ❝ Uh… Guys? Look! ❞ ❝ I hope you don’t mind; I invited some friends. ❞ ❝ Shit. ❞ ❝ Just… a scare tactic. ❞ ❝ Shadows are just shadows. ❞ ❝ Get inside now! ❞ ❝ Help me barricade the door! ❞ ❝ What do you see? ❞ ❝ There’s nothing out there. ❞ ❝ I don’t like this. ❞ ❝ Did you lock the side door? ❞ ❝ It’s too quiet. ❞ ❝ I’m gonna go check upstairs. ❞ ❝ Not without me! ❞ ❝ Well, you can’t just leave me here. ❞ ❝ It’s the lights! That’s what stops them! ❞ ❝ Okay, turn on all the lights. ❞ ❝ What are you doing? ❞ ❝ I’m making a weapon with ______. ❞ ❝ You’re not gonna hurt us anymore! ❞ ❝ Holy shit. ❞ ❝ Come see this! ❞ ❝ Did I kill her? ❞ ❝ She’s still breathing. ❞ ❝ Whatever you did, she’s out cold. ❞ ❝ We can’t kill her. ❞ ❝ I mean, we literally can’t kill her. ❞ ❝ _______ can’t be killed by normal means. ❞ ❝ What if we send her back where she came from? ❞ ❝ What are you talking about? ❞ ❝ If you have any better ideas, I’m all ears. ❞ ❝ Wait, so we’re going to ____? ❞ ❝ No, you’re not. We are. You’re staying here. ❞ ❝ That’s not a good idea. ❞ ❝ Well, I can’t just stay here! ❞ ❝ I don’t care what you say, I’m going. ❞ ❝ Just don’t do anything stupid. ❞ / ❝ You either. ❞ ❝ Thanks for coming. ❞ ❝ I… I did not expect this. ❞ ❝ I was feeling a little bit generous after my brush with death. ❞ ❝ I don’t know who this bitch is. ❞ ❝ Well put. ❞ ❝ It’s okay, this is awesome. ❞ ❝ I’m sorry, I freaked out earlier. ❞ ❝ Mostly I’m just sorry that you didn’t think you could tell me about all this stuff sooner. ❞ ❝ I didn’t think that was gonna go over so well. ❞ ❝ I get that, but I’m not scared. ❞ ❝ Then you’re way ahead of me. ❞ ❝ And I’m not going anywhere. ❞ ❝ Not exactly what I picture when I think of ‘formidable demon’. ❞ ❝ Really? Pretty much exactly what I was expecting. ❞ ❝ This is all meant to lull you into a false sense of security. ❞ ❝ Can we focus? ❞ ❝ I guess it makes sense really, doesn’t it? ❞ ❝ Demons have to be disposed of properly, so throwing them behind a big demon door just seems logical, doesn’t it? ❞ ❝ You know, that being said, I don’t know, I feel like this is a little bit doomed, you know? ❞ ❝ I’m not saying like it is doomed, but I definitely feel like w’ere walking towards the Gates of Mordor. ❞ ❝ Can I ask a question? ❞ ❝ I brought a knife. ❞ ❝ Okay, any more questions? ❞ ❝ We’re okay if we go now. ❞ ❝ Look, no one has to go. ❞ ❝ Not one to resist some good, old-fashioned peer pressure, am I? I’m in. ❞ ❝ Here we go again. ❞ ❝ It’s worse than last time. ❞ ❝ How did you find this place? ❞ ❝ Yeah, no, I would’ve quit if I hadn’t already quit. ❞ ❝ Well, that was fun. ❞ ❝ You’re hearing that, right? ❞ ❝ Let’s just do this and get out of here. ❞ ❝ I don’t think we should. ❞ ❝ It was your idea! ❞ ❝ Does this feel right to you? ❞ ❝ Best-available idea doesn’t make something a good idea. ❞ ❝ Shit. yeah, we should hurry. ❞ ❝ That is not what you said before. ❞ ❝ Are you sure? ❞ ❝ We can’t take it back. ❞ ❝ We can end this… ❞ ❝ That’s… what is that? ❞ ❝ Okay, I hope we never have to do that again. ❞ ❝ I don’t think that’s actually an option. ❞ ❝ Is it weird that I kinda had fun? ❞ ❝ Do you want some food or something before you leave? ❞ ❝ I’ve always got an appetite. ❞ ❝ Great. So, I mean, we can be friends. You know, great friends, I hope. Right? Tried and true, bonded by demons and magic and all sorts. ❞ ❝ I may be a cop, but I am not saying no to Mom. ❞ ❝ Afraid so. ❞ ❝ I, uh… I gotta go. ❞ ❝ I really enjoyed this. ❞ ❝ I usually feel a lot better. ❞ ❝ We’re safe now. ❞ ❝ What, you have a raucous night or something last night? ❞ ❝ Get it while it’s hot! ❞ ❝ Look at this spread! Did you make this? ❞ ❝ We need to have a little family meeting. It’s important. ❞ ❝ I made a mistake moving us here. ❞ ❝ I thought it was a good idea at the time. ❞ ❝ I thought the change would do us good. ❞ ❝ I dragged you out here against your wishes, and now, we get to go back home. ❞ ❝ Now we get to go back to our normal lives. ❞ ❝ Yeah. I mean, it did seem like a shitty idea at the time. ❞ ❝ You want to stay? I thought you hated this place. ❞ ❝ I did… until I didn’t. ❞ ❝ Maybe dad didn’t always love it here, but this place is still part of who he is. I like being here… where he lived. ❞ ❝ I really felt like I made a horrible mistake. ❞ / ❝ You didn’t. ❞ ❝ It’s not a group hug without me! ❞ ❝ Kool-Aid was invented there, so it must be a pretty great place. ❞ ❝ I know something weird happened that night… ❞ ❝ So, I guess you’re stuck with me all summer now. ❞ ❝ You say that like it’s a bad thing. ❞ ❝ Where are you headed? ❞ ❝ So, I’ll see you at six? ❞ ❝ So, how are you feeling? ❞ ❝ So hungry. ❞

[brightblessed-aa]

so today was awful and stressful and i am gonna vent a little bit. the one lady from corporate at work was so mean that literally everyone was miserable and on edge. they had too many people there for us to all actually work and stay 6 feet apart, but if we got too close, she would yell at us. she wouldn’t let anyone go to break until everything was “all done” which makes no sense. i got sent home an hour early because i ended up working 6 hours with no break which is illegal and they didn’t want to push it to 7. i had nothing to do during the last hour so most of us being there was just performative. we basically all got emotionally abused by this lady for like 6-9 hours depending on the person. 

i leave work and have to get gas. i get some lunch on my way home and my dad instantly gives me shit for not getting him anything. and then says he’s joking when i get annoyed after my awful day. i take a nap because i have a headache and am exhausted. i get up and stuff is okay. i go hang out with my brother for a bit and watch him play a game. i am still incredibly not happy because of the day so far and the stress of working the grand opening tomorrow and i am just wondering how shitty i’m gonna get treated lmao. 

after dinner i try to play with the dog and he pulls my hair by mistake and it makes me make sound and my dad gets really pissed off and starts on me since he’s watching tv. and he’s like acting like i should have played with the dog earlier when i was not even fucking home. and so i leave, the dog is confused. i start just crying because i have to deal with this shit at work and then come home and deal with my dad who is just mean to fucking everyone. me, my brother. and esp my mom. like this woman in seriously ill and she still makes dinner for him and he just bitches about it nonstop. i am really sick of life tbh. like every day i exist i just ask myself, is this all there is? and i just wonder how long distracting myself with random muses and xiv and everything can actually help me idk. 

idk man i am just tired and stressed. after this grand opening i think things will calm down. i really hope tomorrow is just me with customers and we all get to actually have breaks and my managers are in charge and not some mean person that just wants things to “look good” because “my boss is gonna be here” like how to these assholes actually get promoted at a place that is supposed to be “one of the best places to work in the country”

[lostinyourparadise98]

Kiss Me

A/N: Hello my loves! Im so sorry that this is so shitty, it is currently 12:00 Am and my brain is melting as I write this, but I hope all of you enjoy hehe. Just a reminder that requests are open so please take advantage!!! Love y'all (:

The faint sound of snoring interrupts my sleep as  squint my eyes, attempting to shield them from the light that is streaming through the curtains. Im unable to move, the weight of a six foot tall, curly headed boy keeps me trapped beneath the sheets. Shawn is sprawled out on top of me. His face is hidden in the crook of my neck, his breath tickling the exposed skin. His strong arms wrap around my waist making it impossible for me to move. I can't help but to reach my arm up and run my fingers through his curly hair. He looks so peaceful, I don't understand how someone can look so irresistible just by sleeping. 

I feel a sudden pain in my chest as I realize this is our last day together before he goes back on tour. Don't get me wrong, I am so unbelievably proud of him. He is living his dream, workings ass off to keep his success but sometimes I just want him to myself. He is going to be gone for sixth months and I have no idea how my heart is going to handle it. 

I wiggle out of his grasp, earning an irritated moan from his lips. He is now fully on his back, his eyes still closed as he tries to return to his comfortable position. I crawl on top of him, both of my legs on either side of his thighs. A big grin spills across my face as the sheets fall off of me, revealing my naked body. The events from last night replay in my head and I can't help but giggle from the butterflies and tingles that jolt through my bones.

I lean down and place soft kisses all over his face. I start on the right side of his cheek and move to the left, I kiss his forehead and move my way down to his chin and end with the tip of his nose. He doesn't budge for awhile, so I take matters into my own hands and go faster till I earn a reaction. He groans again but this time there is a smirk on his face.

“Wake. Up. Baby. Wake. up.wake. up.” I say between each kiss. I’m caught off guard as his arms wrap around my waist. He quickly sits up and pulls me back down on the bed  till he is  hovering over me. I can't stop the fits of giggles that erupt from within me. 

“You know you could have gotten me a lot up faster if you had started with my lips.” His voice is deep and croaky, his eyes puffy and red. I chuckle at the wildness of his hair, my god he is beautiful.

“I think I kissed you enough last night, I wanted to switch things up a bit.”

He slowly leans down and presses his lips to mine. The kiss starts off slow and innocent. His arms pull me closer into him as he depends the kiss. Our tongues fight for dominance, I can't help the moan that falls from my mouth. My hands find the nape of his neck as I lightly tug at his hair, an action I know drives him crazy. The effect he has on me will be something I will never understand. I arch my back of the bed trying to get closer to him if thats even possible. We both tilt our heads, getting completely lost in each other. He pulls away first, resting his forehead against mine. 

“You could never give me too many kisses, there will never be enough to completely satisfy me I'm always left wanting more.” His morning voice has me completely weak and he knows it.

“Well you better kiss me as much as possible, after today you will have to wait six months before I can shower you again.” He pulls away from me, resting his head on his elbow so he can look down at me as I turn to face him

“hey, we are going to be okay we’ve done this before.”

“That doesn't make it any easier.” He begins to run his fingers through my hair.

“I know baby, I know.” He leans down and places a sweet kiss on my forehead

I feel my eyes begin to water, I try my best to push back the tears but the thought of him not being here in a few short hours is unbearable.

“Shawn, I don't think I can handle saying goodbye to you again.” I intertwine our fingers.

“Baby, don't think of it as a goodbye, think of it as a ill see you soon. There are no goodbyes between us. I know this hurts and I am going to miss you like hell. But I promise you I will always be here. Just call me I don't care what time it is, if you’re ever missing me just call me.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you more.” I begin to push myself out of bed, but his hand stops me.

“Where are you going?” His bottom lip is pushed out like a child. I pull away from his hand and reach for his shirt that I tore off of him last night. I can feel my cheeks redden from the memory, as I slip it on. I hope to god he doesn't notice.

“I have to go shower, ill be quick I promise.”

“Or.....” He pauses

“Hear me out, we take a shower together.”

“Nice try Mendes, we both know what will end up happening if we shower together.” 

“I promise I won't try anything, ill keep my hands to myself.” I raise my brow at him 

“Okay, maybe not fully to myself but you get the picture.”

“Alright, but only because you are leaving.” He jumps out of bed and runs towards the bathroom. I roll my eyes as I gather my new shampoo and favorite bottle of body wash. Shawn stands at the shower with his hand under the water making sure the temperature is perfect. I quickly brush my teeth and slip out of shawns t-shirt. 

“Ladies first.” Shawn pulls the curtain back and swiftly moves his hand to the direction of the shower. 

“You're suck a dork.” I chuckle as I move passed him and into the tub. The warmth of the water feels amazing against my skin. I let the water spill down my hair as Shawn gets in. I feel him reach behind me as he enters. He moves the shower head higher so the water can actually reach his head. The boy is a tree I swear.

“Sorry shorty I gotta move this.”

“Don't call me shorty its not my fault you're a giant.” I watch as he repeats the same actions as me

Can I wash your hair?” The words crawl faster out of my mouth than I expected.

“Only if you let me do yours too.”

“Deal.” I squirt Shawn’s shampoo in my hand and turn to face him. Wow, this height difference is really hitting me right now. I can't even reach his head to wash his hair.

“Uhh baby do you think you could kneel?” He throws his head back as his laughter fills the bathroom 

“Oh my God you are so cute.”

“Stop making fun of me I can't reach.”

“Ill kneel for you, you always kneel for me.” he winks and I quickly slap his arm 

He kneels down in front of me, his hands firmly on my hips to keep his balance. 

He closes his eyes in pleasure as I massage his scalp, his hair is nice and soapy   and I waist no time playing with the curls on top of his head.

“Does that feel good Bub?”

“mmmhmmm.” he hums, I rinse his hair placing one hand over his eyes so he doesn't get burned by the soap. I repeat the same actions with the conditioner. This boy is in pure bliss. He stands to his feet.

“Your turn.” To say that his hands were made for this is in understatement. He laughs at my moans I ignore him getting lost in the pleasure that is coursing through my scalp. We both finish up and dry ourselves off. 

Shawn makes his way into the bedroom putting on a pair of boxes and hopping back into bed. I take a little longer washing my face, brushing my hair, and fixing up my eyebrows. 

“Babe do you mind if I use your speaker to put on some music?” he calls from the bedroom 

“Go ahead Bub.” I begin to straighten up the mess I made in the bathroom until I hear the song he chose. Kiss me, by Ed Sheeran. My heart skips a beat as I think of the first time he kissed me, this song was playing in the background.

I walk out of the bathroom and lean against the door frame. Shawn sits on the bed smiling like he fool. He slowly rises and makes his way into the middle of the room. He stops and opens his arms.

“Dance with me?” STOP BEING SO CUTE 

My feet move before I can even think. I walked s towards him and he wraps me in his arms. I rest my head against his chest as he sway back and forth to the music.

“You should wear my shirts more often by the way.”

“I will be,I'm stealing most of them. Oh and your Harvard hoodie, yeah you're never getting that back.”

“Thats my favorite one.”

“It smells like you.”

“You can keep it while I'm away baby, I don't mind.”

“I don't want you to leave.”

“I don't want to leave you.” I rest my forehead against his 

“What do we do when the music stops?” I whisper 

“When I'm wiht you, the music never stops.” 

“Kiss me.”

“Always.”

The End 

HEEEYY YALLL sorry this was TRASH. It is now 1:21 Am and I am dead ahahahahaha. sorry I'm acting like a crack head and I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors. My brain is dead right now. I promise I will post tomorrow. Hopefully I won't be as tired.But yeah gn and love ya.

[dontbesoweirdkira]

Dating Levi Ackerman would include

-Him calling you cadet, still even though you are on his squad, just to irk you

-you calling him Captain Ackerman or Mr. Ackerman to get back at him 

-“My name is Levi, Cadet. i might have to send you out for disciplinary action next time you call me Mr or Captain”

- Him not trying to bias you, however if the mission or task might severally  harm you in any way he will force you to stay back

- yes force you because you are stubborn

-You are always to the left or right of him when out in battle so he can easily check on you to make sure you are okay.

- “L/N, how are you holding up?’ “Let me know when you are not feeling well.” “If you need to go back and have someone else take your place, tell me. Understand that?”

-He is quite soft and sweet when it is just you around. 

-he will bring you flowers on his off times, or stop by to give you food or a cup of tea when you are on night or morning duties.

-PDA is a no. he doesn’t like to show off the relationship too much because of his position and plus he thinks that the relationship is just between you and him and it is not for others to know how he displays his intimate affection.

-although with that said. if their is a creep or some cadet that is being inappropriate or quite flirtatious, he will intervene by telling them to piss off and he will move your body close upon his to show you are his and not up for auction.

-semi possessive Levi

- Jealous Levi (hides it quite well however you see right through him) 

-occasionally he would kiss you when no one is looking and whisper into your ear how much he loves you and how he would make it back safely for you.

- “ tsk, you do know i love you shit face, right? make sure this place stays clean while i’m gone. when i come back, i will be checking under the tables. ill be careful because i know you worry.”

-you guys don’t fight too often because things are normally pretty chill for the most part however if he is super stressed or overly tired, a fight might break out but it is usually made up fairly quickly.

- you are not super dependent on him, and you don’t flaunt him or show him off

- he appreciates that about you, however he does wish you could count on him some more

- not that you don’t, he just has so much stress on his plate already and you do not want to add to that pile.

-staying up with him, if he is grieving or had a nightmare.

-” listening to all his doubts and fears. 

-cuddling you constantly in hopes that nothing will come to harm you 

- He often worries that your sleep schedule will get messed up because of him but honestly WHO EVEN SLEEPS ANYWAYS LMAOOOOO

- not many nicknames other than ‘idiot’ ‘dumbass’ ‘cadet’ ‘fool’. he just simply thinks your real name is very beautiful 

-oh yeah insults. he will insult you all day and night but it is his weird way of expressing his love to you

-” Hey Cadet Y/N, why do you look worse than jean today? seriously go wash up or something.”

-”HEY LEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIII I WAS THINKIN-”

-”no, go clean the window seals shitty face”

- he really enjoy your presence and would move the earth for you even though he does not always let you know that.

- you are younger than him so he thinks that he’s too old or not energetic enough for you. often has a lot of insecurities about his appearance or personality.

-constant reassurance that he is perfect for you.

-calling him old man just to tease him

-sometimes he acts like your dad but steps back when he realizes it

-all in all an relationship with levi would be quite chill and something that moves slow. it has its ups and downs but he really loves you and he isn’t fond of many humans so take that as you will

note; oof i am tired so im sorry if this is kinda all over the palce but ill post some more tomorrow 

[alias-b]

Without The Lights~ Billy Hargrove x OC Camille Harper

Chapter 10: Shadows Of The Night

A/N: A secret bleeds and Camille finds comfort with her friend. Billy has dinner at the Harper house and things don’t go as planned. TW: Talk of assault and abortion. Sexual content.

  “Let’s see it,” Camille purred.

  “Harpy, you’re making me blush.” Billy’s chest heaved softer. “I don’t think you’re ready for it just yet.”

  “I’m ready,” she uttered, sultry. “Don’t make me beg.”

  “Kind of want you to beg.” Teeth tugged at his bottom lip. They leaned closer in response with wandering eyes.

  “Show it to me, Billy.”

  “If you insist...”

  “Okay. You two need to stop it, I am going to be sick.” A girl muttered from the next lab table to their right. Robin. Her face pinched in genuine disgust and amusement. Heather was laughing next to her, covering her lips. Camille noted they’d gotten closer over the new semester. World’s colliding still at Hawkins High. Chemistry class went on around them. Lab partners working together.

  “What…we’re just talking grades? What else could we be-"

  "What else indeed, Harper." Robin twitched one brow and Camille broke to chuckle.

  "He won't show me his damn test still. I stayed up diligently tutoring him, I deserve to know.” Camille cocked her head. Robin snickered at her finally, doodling in the corners of her paper.

  "Hm, that's what she's calling it." Billy mused while he slipped a stick of cinnamon gum into his mouth, earning a light swat at his arm. "Don't damage the goods now, Harpy." She loathed him especially today.

  “Get an A plus, Camille?” Heather looked around Robin to see Camille grin with a nod. “No surprise there.” Fingers picked up the exam and Billy huffed at it, angling still so Camille couldn't see his paper.

  “What did you get? Tell me or I'll burst.” Camille pressed. Life picked up even still. Quieter than she liked. The Party met frequently outside of school. Watching out for the others as much as they could. Billy shook his head, frowning, and her shoulder’s fell. “Oh. You studied so hard for it. It’ll be fine, we got you to passing so we'll just keep at it.”

  “I guess.” Billy flicked the paper around. “Because I got a B fucking minus. No more D letter grades.” He broke to offer a grin that illuminated his entire face and she pushed at him. "Read it and weep for me, babe."

  “Billy!” She hushed when he bounced in his seat, too happy that he’d fooled her. “That’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.” He licked his lips, cheeks heating. Those words held tight and didn’t let go. “We have to celebrate. My, uh, mom’s home tonight. We should go out to a movie. I need a night out and I think you earned one.” She was nonchalant about it.

  “A movie?” His focus shifted, hands lowering the exam to the table.

  “Yes. A movie." Camille's sly eyes flicked to him. "You know, moving pictures. Big screen. Popcorn.”

  “On this specific date?” He blinked. “Valentine’s Day.” Camille exhaled out her nose, leaning on her elbows to watch his face.

  “Yes, Billy, I want to go to the movies with you on Valentine’s Day. Clear enough?”

  “That sounds suspiciously like a date.”

  “Maybe it is.” Camille shrugged, going back to her paper as if she hadn’t just rocked his shit apart. “I’ll pick you up this time.”

  “Wine and dine me, I might try harder at this whole good grade thing.”

  “Seriously, you’re trying hard now and it’s paying off. You're slowly going up full letter grades. Evidence is clear. You're a dummy but, you're not dumb.” She filled in a worksheet, winking. Camille shifted to adjust her shirt sleeves up. Pink with red hearts and cherries. Billy stared at her when she didn’t look at him again. Admiring this person he’d come to value.

  “Thank you, Camille,” he’d said it so quietly, she barely heard it. Billy was writing on his own page now when Camille peered at him. She gave a nod.

  “Seven o’clock? I’ll come get you.”

  “Guess I’ll be waiting.” He flipped through his book. Camille opened her mouth to speak when their school’s intercom picked up. A high pitched sound caused every student to cover their ears. It echoed and adjusted before Camille grew cold.

  “Hey. R-” The feedback was static and then even again. “It’s Camille…if you couldn’t remember my voice. You probably don’t want me calling. I waited for two hours. You damn coward.”

  “Is that you?” Heather leaned over to whisper and Camille’s eyes went wide. All her classmates had already turned to stare at her.

  “No…! No!” Camille jerked herself up like she’d become possessed and raced out. Billy almost fell from his chair in shock, unable to react.

  “Ms. Harper!” Their teacher called. The horrid message continued while Camille tore down the hallways.

  “I just had some stuff I wanted to say… It was really shitty. What you did. Not just leaving me to go to a clinic myself. Leaving me to abort our baby  myself. Getting me pregnant in the first place. You are just…fucking awful. And I ignored it thinking it was love. That’s not love. Learned the hard way, I guess. But, wherever you are. Manipulating another poor girl. Fuck you. Fuck you for all of us!”

  Camille passed students who stopped to whisper. Few came out of classrooms with curious teachers. She banged on the front office door. Locked. A tape recorder sat in front of the mic with no one around.

  “Fucking eat shit. I was…I am a child. You were the adult! Can’t be an adult? You’re disgusting.” Camille heard her words echo through their entire high school. Shedding that burning spotlight upon her skin. She pressed her head to the window and wept, unable to take it before she covered her ears. “I loved you. I thought I did. Maybe I don’t know love either. But, today, a friend helped me see…just a flicker. What it could feel like. And I’m going to find it one day. I know you won’t. How could you? I don’t regret what I did and I hope one day I don’t always feel guilt and shame when I think of you. You should be ashamed, you fucked a teenager and bragged about it…”

   “…I hope you never touch another woman again, shithead. Can’t get college girls so you bat at high schoolers? One day, you’re going to meet a girl who sees you for what you are. I hope it eats you. You won’t touch me ever again. And that, I can be proud of. Just fuck you. Stay away from me. Not like that’ll be hard now. You’re twenty and you got into bed with a fifteen year old. You’re sick. Don’t spread that illness to anymore girls like you almost did with me. I see you again, I’ll destroy you. Fuck you! Just, fuck you!” Camille heard herself cry and lost it, her elbow bashed into the glass while teachers tried to tear her off. She clawed and kicked. Made a scene. Flashed her queen bee stinger. Bared her teeth. “Don’t set foot in Hawkins ever again. Have a great life.” Unable to stop the harrowing tones as it tried to loop, Camille grabbed a glass paper weight then smashed the tape and mic both to bits. When the torture ended, she sunk to the floor as her English teacher came first to hold her.

  “I had to do it, I had to!” Camille was sobbing. Body jerking with each heave. Inconsolable. She wondered what it must have been for the gate to the Upside Down to tear open and unleash hell. Something like this.

  “Shhh, it’s alright. I’ve got you, honey.” Ms. Strode always had that soft spot for students. “We’ll call your mother.”

  “Oh, my god. Margaret, wake up!” Another teacher found the office aid, passed out behind the desk. “Call the police.” Everyone rushed around while Ms. Strode got Camille to her feet. Billy was there after pushing through crowds, eyes huge when Nancy raced to catch up with him from her own classroom. Students looked at their queen fallen from grace.

  “Camille, we got you.” Nancy got around Billy and came to her other side. Billy turned to see every judgmental, shocked, and intrigued expression.

  “The fuck are you all looking at?! Show’s over, dicks!” Billy Hargrove flipped his switch and they cowered back to keep moving about their day. “Assholes.” He followed after the women when they got Camille into the empty nurse’s office.

  “Nancy, can you stay with her?” Ms. Strode got up and Billy charged in.

  “Me, too.” He didn’t ask permission. Camille was lying down, covering her face and crying hard still. Nancy held her and Billy came to her other side. Their teacher left to make some calls. They let their friend weep until she was silently gasping. Waiting for flesh to just peel off bone.

  “It was her. Edna.” Camille grew numb. “She’s trying to ruin my life all over again. But, she’s been watching me. She’s known the entire time. Bitch. Trying to get me to fucking crack.” Nancy rubbed her back to soothe her cries.

  “You can’t stay in that house. Your mother-”

  “That’s it, she hasn’t made any move at all. I don’t…get it.” Camille let Billy wipe her tears and shift long hair from her face.

  “Camille,” he realized it, “if…if this chick has been spying on you. She could know we saw your mother. In Dayton.” She lifted her eyes, stilling.

  “You know Hopper’s been watching out for her too.” Nancy spoke to calm her down.

  “She knows that we know everything. It's like she's trying to tear me down so I'm isolated and admitting it. Why didn’t she go to Rosemary or Noah? Lab never came for me.” Camille whispered.

  “Maybe she…wants to torment you first.” Nancy frowned. She watched Billy Hargrove comfort her friend and noted how it wasn’t strange anymore. Seeing him around like this. “Camille, you’re bleeding.” Nancy pulled her friend’s sleeve up. “You might need stitches.” A nasty set of cuts swelled just under her elbow. Camille hissed upon seeing it and Billy was already digging for something to stop the blood with their nurse helping in the main office.

  “I didn’t even feel that in my state.” Camille whined.

  “Hold still.” Billy helped her clean it like many of his own wounds before.

  “What am I supposed to tell her? My mother.” Camille ached and her friends paused for a brief moment. “Hawkins is a small place. Come tomorrow, the whole damn town is going to know about me. Edna wants that. She’s trying to break me.”

  “Well, as Dustin would say, when one of the Party members needs assistance: it’s our duty to provide it.” Nancy recited and Camille tried to smile. “And we will.” Billy was gentle when he wrapped her arm up.

  “Hell of a bruise coming.” He huffed, chest falling.

  “Not going to a hospital.” She brought her sleeve down. “Can you guys stay with me awhile?”

  “Not like we were planning to leave you.” Nancy pressed her head to Camille’s shoulder and rubbed her arm. Billy sat on the floor and let her hold his hand. Silent, they waited for Rosemary to appear and whisk Camille away. Ms. Strode appeared and gestured that her mother was waiting. Camille stood taller and wiped her eyes, opting to walk alone down the long hallway. Where she was gawked at by passing students. Eyes ahead, she swayed along and didn't give any of them a damn thing. Not one piece of her.

** ** **

  “Camille.” Her mother shut the door. The entire car ride was silent. Rosemary was shaken, stuffing nervous pills into her mouth. Camille didn't dare ask what they were for. Steve dropped her car off then left with Jonathan and Nancy when Rosemary wouldn’t let anyone else inside the house. “Camille, baby, talk to me. Just please.” She sat her daughter down, sounding desperate. Hands cupped Camille face, raw and splotched red. “This is because I wasn’t around enough.”

  “No, mom, I was stupid.” Camille wheezed. “I couldn’t tell you or dad.”

  “I’m so sorry, baby. You needed us. You went through that alone.” Rosemary came to hug her close, too tight. Jarring. “I’ll quit.”

  “No, fuck, mom. No. Do not do that. I’m better now. I am.” Camille forced a smile. “I made a bad choice. I learned.”

  “You never came to me. We did not teach you to lie.” She stated that with genuine confusion. As if they groomed her incorrectly.

  “I just wanted…to be perfect for you both.” Her reply was the most honest she’d been in awhile.

  “This is all Noah’s fault. He filled your head with… He couldn’t let you grow naturally. We kept a distance, thinking... I told him, I told him this had gone too far. Become too much. That we lost control in the shuffle.”

  “Mom…what are you talking about?” Camille watch her mother’s eyes. Manic. The moment flooded out. Of course, she knew exactly what it meant.

  “No, sweetie, I’m sorry. It’s just…daddy and I made mistakes too. But, I’m fixing them. I love you so much. Please…know that you can come to me. You’re my sweet girl. Mine.”

  “Mom, that…uh, you’re squeezing me. It’s okay.” Camille drew back when Rosemary let her go, speaking her syllables slower.

  “Everything is going to be okay.” She cocked her flawless head like one of the damn Stepford wives.

  “I know.”

  “I love you. I’ll keep you safe inside here. I promise.” Rosemary kissed her head.

  “I…I love you, too.” Camille gripped the couch and her mother came up. There was a moment of unsettling staring before the doorbell rang. She jumped up too quick. “I’ll be fine. I am fine. I’ll get that.”

  “Rest today. I’ll make us dinner. One of your favorites.” Her mother floated off down the hall to pour herself some brandy and Camille wiped her face. She hurried to open the front door, surprised at who was there waiting.

  “Robin? Hi.”

  “Hey, sorry, I…” Robin held out a pink backpack. “You forgot this. I snagged your assignments.”

  “Thank you, um, do you want to come in?”

  “A chance to see the new Harper house renovations? Sure.” Robin stepped into the doorway. “Changed a lot since your twelfth birthday.”

  “Yeah, wow, that was an odd day.”

  “The bouncy castle and the dancing clown that terrified all of us.”

  “You know, I have nightmares about that voice still. He had the strangest name.” Camille joked and Robin smiled at her. “Guess we didn’t see each other much after that.”

  “High school changes people. Start to discover new things about yourself.”

  “You’re almost too right about that,” Camille hung her backpack up. “Thanks for this.”

  “Yeah, I just…wanted to make sure you were okay. You know? Heather will be glad to hear it too." Robin shrugged, cheeks pink over freckles. "I also wanted to say that…what you said to that asshole was really cool.”

  “Ah, thanks. Words just came, I guess.”

  “I hope we see more of that Camille.” Robin offered, pointing with her thumb behind her. “Well, I should…”

  “Right, um, thank you again for coming, Robin. I appreciate it.” Camille paused. "I'm sorry."

  "For what?"

  "Ignoring you after my birthday party." She replied. "Glad you and Heather get along. Her parents are...strict. Girl needs more friends in her life." Robin twitched a sort of half smile at that, face softening.

  “I’ll see you around school, Cam. Don't make me split you and Hargrove up.”

  "We're not even together really."

  "You should tell him that." The teen beamed at her and moved to go outside.

  “Bye, Robin.” Camille shut the door and Rosemary was there in a flash, glass in hand.

  “Are you alright?”

  “Better, yes. Um, I had a...a kind of date tonight with Billy.”

  “Why not invite him over for dinner instead? I’d like to meet this boy you like. Your friend.”

  “Uh, I’m not sure, he-”

  “Tell him to be here at seven. I’ll make us all a chocolate cake.” Rosemary definitely hit the pills hard today. Washed them down with sips of expensive brandy. Only drank that when she was upset. Usually stayed with something white or blush otherwise. It was always how Camille could gauge her moods. By what was in her glass.

  “…Okay.” Camille waited for her to go after another awkward beat. Her breath left tight lungs so she picked up the phone to dial.

  “Hargrove.” Billy surprised her. He was never the one to answer. Neil always lied, telling her Billy was "out" before smacking the receiver down on her.

  “Billy, it’s me. My…My mother invited you to dinner. Can you come?” Her voice was shaken. Billy didn’t dare ask why over the phone. “It’s at seven. I’d really like you to be there.”

  “I’ll be there.” They both hung up and Camille plastered a smile to go help her mother cook.

  “He’s coming.”

  “Wonderful.” Rosemary moved items around. “Does he make you happy?”

  “Yes, he does. We're friends, we help each other.”

  “That’s all I wanted for you, you know.”

  “I know. I am happy. I am. You’re an…amazing mother. You know, I see women wearing your clothing and I always smile. You touched all their lives in a small way. Billy’s stepmom gushed about how she wore one of your blouses on a date. I’m proud of what you did. You did your best. Daddy did too. I know that.” Camille found something heartfelt in all this bullshit. All this pain. And I killed daddy, Camille wanted to say. She apologized for it even still. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, I was ashamed.” Rosemary was holding her again, shaking. Unraveling.

  “I’m proud of you, Camille. We’re going to be just fine. You became an amazing woman. Never stop. I just wish you'd come to me. Please, know that you can.” She kissed her cheeks and Camille relaxed. “Come on, let’s make something to impress this boy of yours.” Her daughter could only nod. The twinge of fear didn’t quite melt away. But, she was up for ignoring it. Camille Harper lived her entire life in a den of wolves. You don't just slink out of it when they begin to starve.

** ** **

  “You’re early,” Camille was relieved when she opened the door in a short, pink sweater dress with black tights. Billy had his shirt buttoned up higher than usual. Only one open. Frankly, that was more surprising than the flowers in hand.

  “For your mother. Moms love me.” He cocked his head so she allowed him inside. Camille kissed his cheek so she could whisper.

  “Something’s off.” She warned. “She’s…” Camille came out to listen as her mother hummed in the kitchen to music playing on their stereo. “She’s like…clingy and weird. Doped up.” Rosemary opened the door to interrupt them, removing an apron. She reminded Billy of twenty Karen Wheelers. All dolled up to the max. With Karen, you still got something genuine there. Rosemary lived her life in the artificial. Her current mental state amounted to shiny sequins popping off a campy prom dress.

  “Camille, darling, introduce me.”

  “Billy Hargrove, this is my mother, Rosemary Harper.” Camille stepped out of the way with the flowers. “Billy is my friend from class. He transferred into Hawkins last fall. Brought us these flowers.” The teen realized Billy was making a jab with them.

  “Sunflowers. How sweet? How’d you know?” She outstretched a hand and Billy took it in both of his

  “Mrs. Harper? For a moment, I thought Camille had a sister." He turned up the usual appeal. "Nice to finally meet you. My stepmom talks about your clothes all the time.”

  “A charmer. Flattery will get you everywhere in this house.” She grinned. More sparkly sequins threatened to burst. Billy remembered a red, sequined scarf his mother owned. Part of an old Halloween costume. Shiny and wild to the eye. As a kid, he'd playfully run about the house with it wrapped around his shoulders to music. Made him feel like a star. Until Neil came home to catch him one Tuesday afternoon. Knocked three baby teeth out. His mother threw the scarf away after that. Probably for the best. “Come into the dining room. Camille, go set the table for me.” Billy met Camille’s eyes, brow lifting subtly. They went in after her. “How do you like Hawkins, William?”

  “Oh, Billy is fine,” he swallowed. “Hawkins is…different.”

  “Used to be a much quieter place. Such a pity.” Rosemary sighed, bringing a dish to the table. “Chicken pot pie.”

  “It smells amazing, mom,” Camille let Billy pull out her chair before he held out one for her mother next.

  “He’s just a doll, isn’t he?” Rosemary served pieces up when Billy slipped into a seat across from Camille. Music still played and candles lit the table.

  “Thank you, Mrs. Harper.”

  “Rosemary, please.” She’d insisted, eating from her plate. Both teens waited until she swallowed to pick at their food. “Camille tells me you’re from California. You know, I dressed so many celebrities in LA. Award season was my favorite time. Sometimes I miss that. Hawkins must absolutely bore you, poor thing.”

  “Delicious,” Billy remarked, nodding. “And I thought that as well until I moved here. Met some…interesting people.”

  “Well, that’s good then. With the right people, you can make any place a home.” She sounded like fucking Glinda the Good Witch. If she snorted a great deal of coke. Billy watched her smile and paused to swallow. His lips lifted with some force. Camille nudged his foot under the table. “That’s what my Noah used to say.” Her mother was noticeably dazed.

  “I’m sorry for your loss.” Billy offered.

  “That’s appreciated, young man. I can see that you’re very important to my daughter, Billy. Glad to see her in the company of good friends who care about her.” Rosemary was still smiling. “Because if anyone dared to hurt her, oh, I do pity the next boy who crosses my baby.”

  “Mom.” Camille set her water down, eyes widening and Rosemary sat back. Collected.

  “Camille, you are beautiful and you are still so stupid. I really thought we taught you better. I can see now, we didn’t. Pity. You just never could grasp people. You never could trust your instincts.” She poured blame into Camille’s soul like gasoline. All they needed was a match.

  “Whoa…” Billy sat straighter when Rosemary’s knife tapped her plate. Camille’s jaw dropped.

  "Mom, stop."

  “If you don’t think for a second that this boy only wants what they all do… What have I taught you? Are you going to sleep with my daughter? Leave her shattered like the other did? Are you going to try to take her from me? When I finally have her all my own. Oh, no. I will not have it!” Rosemary smacked the table and stood. Camille jumped to her feet.

  “Billy, I think you should go now.” She came around the table to push at him. “Mom, what the hell is wrong with you?”

  “No, I’m not going anywhere.” Billy was tense, fists clenching. The words blurted out. “Look, I care about your daughter-”

  “Words.” Rosemary was a rubber band snapping. “Men, you’re all the same, you make messes and we clean them up. You hurt us and we lick our own wounds. You use and use and we come to our knees after. Where is my credit?! Huh, I took good care of you, I did. And you want to throw it all away by growing up. Without your mother, Camille!” Her daughter stopped and almost burst herself, remembering Judith King alone in that hospital. Rocking.

  “Mom…calm down,” Camille realized the magnitude of the grave danger she was in all at once. The boiling pot she couldn't leap out of. She had to stay in control. Told herself she was. Didn't trust her fucking instincts. Her fatal flaw with people. Camille's hand lifted to slip the knife from her mother’s fingers. “I think you need to go lie down.”

  “Oh…oh, yes. I am not myself. I think I,” Rosemary clenched with tears. “I think I drank a little too much brandy. Too many pills to relax me. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. I wanted one good night for you. For us.”

  “I know…let’s get you in bed.” Camille looked at Billy and helped the manic woman off to her room.

  “I didn’t mean that, I’m just so scared.” She crumbled.

  “Go to sleep. We’ll be fine.” Camille tucked her into bed and hurried out, shutting the door. Billy’s hands were on her shoulders, dragging her back to the stairs.

  “You are not staying here tonight.” He was heated, voice low. “You don’t even have to come stay with me if you don’t want to. I’ll take you anywhere. I’ll take you to Harrington or the Wheeler’s or to the damn Chief, I don’t care. But, you are not staying in this house tonight. I mean it.” Camille wrapped her arms around him. Words. “Pack a bag, we’re going right now.”

  “She wasn’t always like that, since my father…something’s coming undone inside her as well.” Camille sniffled and Billy held her back this time, firm as if to reassure her. She packed a bag and wrote a quick note to let her mother know that she was safe with a friend.

  “Come on,” Billy reached for her hand without thinking to get her out of there. “Where am I taking you?” They got into his car so he pulled out of the driveway. She fazed out of existence. Her elbow burned still. That pain was the only thing keeping her attached to this world. “Camille, talk to me. You need to stay right here now. Okay?”

  “I…” She shook her head. Tried to flood back in. For him. “I don’t know. You pick.”

  “My house it is,” he inhaled. “Dad leaves before us for work tomorrow. I’ll sneak you into the window again. Can get ready at my place and I’ll take you to school... Camille. Focus here. You're fading on me.”

  “Okay...yes, okay.” Her body mellowed out. Numb even when he beckoned to snap her back. “I don’t want to cause more trouble for you at home.”

  “You couldn’t possibly.” He hitched with amusement then. Camille looked outside at the trees, lips opening when she found words to grasp.

  “You meant it, I could tell.”

  “Meant, what?”

  “You cared about me.” She turned her head and his eyes stayed on the road. Billy didn’t speak so she went for his hand, clasping it between both of hers. “Everything that happened. I want you to know that you’re making it. Doing better. You’re my friend and I care about you too. And I forgive you. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you touching my life. And just, thank you, Billy.” His chest sunk and he squeezed her hand tight. “Just needed you to know that.”

** ** **

  “Shhh, they’re sleeping,” Billy eased Camille into his bedroom window. She had one leg over when the door opened a crack and Max poked her head in without knocking.

  “You’re not as sneaky as you think,” she whispered, amused. “Saw her pass my window.” The younger girl came forward to take Camille’s other hand.

  “Keep it down,” Billy hissed, hands under Camille's arms to heave her inside. She felt his muscles flex and let her face heat. “Go shut my door.”

  “I heard about… Well, we all…” Max shuffled her feet. Camille dropped her bag and sat on Billy’s bed. “I’m sorry.” She came and wrapped her arms around Camille’s neck when she got emotional. Billy shut his window and sighed, sneaking out to grab a glass of water. His sister was kneeling on his bed, holding his friend close and petting her hair. “It’s okay.” Billy offered her the cool glass quietly so she came out from Max to drink, eyes red and tired.

  “Come on, go change.” Billy was ushering her into his little closet with her bag. Flicking the swinging light in there on. Max stood, gaze sliding from him to the floor. He didn’t try to kick her out.

  “What happened after?” She hesitated when his eyes landed on her face. “Thought her mom invited you over.”

  “I don’t know, she just…freaked out on us.” Billy shook his head. His sister looked encouraged.

  “So, you helped her leave.”

  “For tonight,” Billy ran a hand into his hair and plopped down on his bed. Max pressed her lips. “Don’t give me that look, not like I’m in your nerd party.”

  “Maybe we can start our own side party? I don’t know all the rules but I think I’ll make some of my own up.” Max shrugged. “It can be a secret too, no one will see us coming. Just think about it, maybe come up with a cool name.” Billy lifted one brow at her, lips pressing when she stood.

  “Max.” He mustered the courage. Let it flood out. “I’m sorry.” Hands clenched in his lap when she came forward, touching his face so he’d look at her expression.

  “I always wanted a big brother,” she admitted. “Nice to meet you, Billy.”

  “You too, Mad Max.” Billy let her hug him. A quick, tight squeeze he needed. One arm returned it because she needed it too.

  “Name the secret side party.” Max moved to the closet door. “Camille, I hope you feel better.” There was some quiet shuffling.

  “Thank you,” came the muffled reply. Max crept out to get back to her room and Camille appeared, drained. Billy looked up and there was a beat.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi.” She crawled behind him atop the covers. “School’s going to be a nightmare tomorrow.”

  “Figured you’d want to skip.” Billy pulled his pants and shirt off, not bothering with much else before he reclined next to her. Camille shifted in a baggy tee, curling her bare legs up. He took note of them briefly.

  “No. Queen Bee can’t back down. Right?” Camille closed her eyes and opened them. “I don’t regret anything about the choice I made. I won’t let those people scare me into thinking that I should.” He didn’t argue with that. “Sorry, we can’t go on a normal date.”

  “We’ll get there. Eventually.” Billy turned his head to see her, idly hitting the last lamp to shut off.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Camille sighed, burying her face into pillows that smelled like him. Billy came up to shift so he could slip covers over them both. She scooted into him, allowed his hands to smooth up and down her back. Billy was careful of the wound on her arm, relaxing while they warmed up. Dim moonlight sunk between the curtains. Camille watched the shine of his eyes in the dark. Her arms curled between them, fingers shifting out to touch his chest.

  “Let me guess,” he purred. Hands smoothed over his skin. “You want to try something?”

  “Hm, what gives you that idea?” Camille drew closer, lips just barely brushing his.

  “We have to keep it down,” he warned, breathless before they kissed. Heated flesh pressed together. They held each other for a while there in the dark. Billy was more still as she explored him. Tracing over contours and scars. She cupped his face, thumbs smoothing along cheekbones. Following the swell of his full bottom lip before her mouth opened against his. Camille felt him get aroused against her thigh.

  “I want to touch you,” she uttered, fingers in his hair until he adjusted and reclined more on his back. One arm pulled her into him so she draped her body along his. Lips peppered over his collar and neck. Billy suppressed a moan and tilted his head back, hand finding hers. Camille traced his hip and guided him until she cupped his shaft through thin briefs. Fingers edged up and down the feel of him. "Oh." The softest little sound sent pride shooting up his body. He was well aware of what he was packing. Billy’s lips parted to sigh and he shifted her hand under the fabric. Longed so to be touched. Fingers wrapped around the shaft. They found a pace together. Pumping slow and rhythmic while her mouth was on warm skin.

  “Camille.” Billy came undone, hand sliding away so she could work him until he was hard and slick. Her thumb rubbed circles into the tip. Torturing him. Unraveling him utterly. His arm squeezed her closer when it became too much. “Fuck,” he craned his neck to bury his face into her hair, muffling his sighs into the pillows. “More.” She slowed to longer strokes, coming out to slip her tongue into his mouth. Drawing it out. Billy held himself together. Just barely.

  “Do you think about me when you’re alone?” Camille was going painfully slow, lips lingering down his chest. Turning the tables. "Doing this to yourself and thinking about fantasy queen Camille. Hm?" Billy tried not to scoff. No comment. “Have to give to get.” She recalled his own words. Tormented him with them. Fingernails scratched down his chest. Her mouth left little pink marks he’d remember tomorrow.

  “Yes, god, Camille.” His hips tried to rut in tune with her hand. “Few minutes after I met you just so we’re clear.”

  “Crystal.” She teased, slipping to run her tongue down his happy trail and all the way up to his tip. Billy gave a wanting little arch to be inside her. Fingers shifted into her hair. “This is more like it, yeah?”

  “Close,” he reached to stoke himself, eyes intent on her own until she opened her mouth when he offered his tip. She just felt too good. Swallowing him down all the way. “Better.” Camille gave a hum that vibrated his dick, plunging it further into her throat. She came up to find her pace again. Kisses and licks smeared arousal down his skin. Camille brought her bottom into the air and focused on the pace. Mouth slipping over him with ease. Fingers guided her by the hair, twisting locks from her face. Billy watched her suckle and pressed his head back. She'd ruin him for other flings too. They played together, heated, and as quiet as they could be. He felt his stomach flutter, body growing taut. Camille worked him, swirling her tongue as hands ran along his hips.

  “I’m right there,” he confessed, tapping her shoulder before fingers latched around her wrist. Billy tried to warn her again when her eyes lifted to his. She gave a sort of nod, massaging his skin to let him know it was alright. Lips opened when he let go, climax pumped in spurts along her tongue. Camille slowed to swallow in time before she could choke, lapping to finish him off. His muscles clenched and released rhythmically so she drew it out. Exquisitely. Billy gave a soft moan like honey. Camille came up on her knees, wiping her swelled lips on her hand. Splayed, he watched her tuck him back into his briefs before plopping next to him.

  “Been waiting to return the favor,” she mused, chest steady with deep breaths while he came down from the high. While he came down from her. Blue eyes darkened with clouds. “Taste you, I mean.” Billy, unable to stand it, came up to hover and took her face in one hand. Gazes flickered intently. “You don’t have to kiss me after, I get it.” As if it was a challenge, he pressed her into the bed to kiss her as obscenely as he could. Tongue slipping along lips and between teeth. Spit trailed when they parted.

  “Don’t tell me what to do.”

  “I think you like it,” Camille hushed, “just a little.”

  “What happened to not dating boys you go to school with?” Billy came up so she followed, braced on her hands. Legs opened while he sat between them.

  “Technically haven’t been able to date yet.”

  “You know what I mean. Flings were banned too.” He countered. "Friends who go down on each other is great and all, but...you want more and so do I. So, I'll ask you again. What happened to no flings for queenie?"

  “Guess the same thing happened with you moving on from one skirt to another,” she replied. “Haven’t even tried to continue the rounds. I wouldn’t blame you.”

  “Harpy is dodging the question,” he touch his ear, tilting toward her so she caved.

  “I can make exceptions.” She shifted to prop herself up on pillows. They observed each other.

  “Just admit that I make you hot already, Camille.” Billy lingered, easing forward. “We played this shit for months. Just let go. Can’t stand it anymore. Admit you got off to me. More than once. Lift up your shirt.” The command surprised her. Slowly, she shifted fabric up, baring herself to his eyes. Billy bit his lip at the sight of her, pleased. Nipples pebbled against cooler air. “Take it off.”

  “You take it off.” Camille hitched a gasp when hands eased up her sides. Cupped her breasts for good measure before the shirt slipped over her head. Fabric bunched around her shoulders.

  “You thought about it, what type of fuck I’d be.” He hummed, fingertips edging down the soft skin of her inner thighs.

  “Had a vague idea, you flaunt it well.” Camille licked her lips, teeth nipped at her bottom one so he came forward for a slow kiss. “Didn’t try hard to do it. Just happens when you’re…heated.” She gasped as he cupped her, offering a slow rub. Felt like he was out to claim something.

  “Heated like this? Admit it, Camille,” he ghosted his mouth over hers, eyes direct to hold her attention. Palm on her still in a way that was possessive. “You sat next to me in class squirming because you knew…I’d make you quake. Yes or no?”

  “Ye…s…” She grew timid so he advanced, lips closing around a nipple. Teeth tugged. Steady, he tormented the other bud. Tongue flicking up toward her neck.

  “What was that?” His thumb circled her clit through fabric, slicking it in her arousal.

  “Yes.” Camille tried not to melt but he was the sun and she’d flown far too close.

  “Thought about how I’d push a dress up over your shoulders and make you moan. Don’t have to say anything,” Billy’s fingers slipped under fabric, “it’s already written all over you. You got wet with my cock in your mouth.” Camille was rocking to meet his hand, jaw clenched before she stole a kiss. His forehead touched hers when two digits slipped into her with ease. Billy hushed her when she whined, body clenching him. “You wondered what it would feel like buried here.”

  “Billy,” came another plea. Her expression faltered, lost in euphoria. Lost in him. Drowning again in fire. He didn’t let up.

  “Camille…” He drawled in a quiet, sing-song tone that always ruined her. His free hand came to rest by her hip when he slid closer. “Just say the words.” Billy pumped slowly, thumb teasing that stiff bundle of nerves. Heat swelled. Her flesh cried out for more. She caved.

  “Yes…I…” Eyes closed and opened, lips parting to sigh. Billy had her. “Fuck it, I thought about you.”

  “So, process of elimination,” he was rubbing her more intently now, “I make you…?”

  “Hot.” Camille bit back a moan. “You make me hot. Okay…Ha…Happy? Fuck.” Her hips shifted back so he came with, thighs forcing hers apart when her back hit the wall.

  “Camille,” he chided, lips along her jaw. “I can’t make you come if you squirm like that.” Her hands found his shoulders to cling. “You want to, don’t you?” Billy was savoring every bit of this.

  “Yes,” she watched him slow and gave in, “I want to come.”

  “All you gotta do is ask me,” he smiled against her mouth, "just ask and I'll give you what you want."

  “Billy, fuck, make me come. I want it.” She recalibrated. “I want you. Let me, please.”

  “Since you asked me so sweetly.” He bent to leave a mark on her neck that she’d have to see in the morning. Fingers pumped and curved inside her, knuckle deep. Camille shuddered against him, moving to fuck herself in turn. He felt her clit twitch, muscles clamping down against him. “Come.” He coaxed. “You’re right there, just let go. Let go, Camille.” He made her feel so good. Hazel eyes closed so he took her jaw again with one free hand. “No, you stay right here. Look at me.” Billy wanted to watch her come undone. She could only mouth the words, eyes widening when orgasm raced within her veins. She rocked unsteadily into him. Thighs quivering. “There you are.” He eased, keeping her in a state for as long as he could. Lips offering only encouragement. Pride. Fingers slipped out of her, holding fabric aside to see her soaked and twitching. “Fuck, Camille.” Beautiful. She slipped down so he eased her against the mattress to nestle into his chest. Fingers danced all along her back. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He felt her hitch to muffle a laugh into his chest.

  “It is, isn’t it?” She tucked herself into him, contented. Billy craved a cigarette but couldn’t stand to slip from her to grab one. Instead, they breathed and traced shapes into skin. “Made the exception because I like you…dummy.” Billy shook his head, thoroughly entertained. “It’s different between us, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, think so.”

  “Feels like we’re on the same edge, terrifying as it might be.” Camille sighed, relaxing further into him. “But…it’s not lonely. Not anymore.” He could only nod, arm looped around her back. Her body breathed in tune with his. Lulling to the heartbeat pulsing under her ear.

  “Go to sleep.” He murmured into dark hair at last. Camille didn’t feel she had a choice at this point. It tugged her away. Billy held her and soothed every little twitch that dared to disturb her mind. Up until it came for him next.

[sow-ay]

First : sorry for my bad English.

I've had good feedback on my longer and more serious talks about mental illness affecting my real life, insomnia and all so let's talk about sleeping meds today. (I wrote this yesterday but it was too long for instagram so I waited until today to publish it all)

To sleep, I have a sleeping pill (call it Sleepy) but also an anti psychotic (let's call it Psyko (pronounce it in the tone Serj from SOAD uses in the verses of their song "Psycho" but write it like the Pokémon attack) (I'm ruining my own serious post)). I also have other meds for mood disorder and stuff, this is just the night part.

Note : effects can be very different on people. I remember a med that made my mom fall asleep for 10h and that didn't do anything on me with 3 times the dosage. So say meds are more effective when you don't are heavy. Damn. I was so frustrated.

Psyko has an exhausting effect when on a high dosage. Sleeping meds alone don't work on me. So my sleep is a team work between Sleepy and Psyko. They're working together since more than a year and it's been more or less effective. It’s the best we found in years.

We kept Sleepy at 2 mg but, as the dosage can be very high for anti psychotics, we never really found a right one for Psyko. I had from 50 mg to 400 mg (I think I even tried 600) depending on periods. Sometimes 400 was good, other times 200 was almost too much. That depended on so many things that we couldn't really know if we had to lower it or not.

Because I'm a fucking Highly Sensitive Person (#HSP), tons of things can impact on that. Was I in a good period ? Will I be in a bad one ? Am I going out more ? Is the gender dysphoria stronger these days ? Am I thinking about death a lot these days ? Work stress ? Family issues ? LA CAF ET LA SÉCU ? Anxiety ? Internet trolls ? ...

Some nights I barely slept and was tired all the time, so I couldn't find the energy to get up. And there is a difference between not finding the energy to get up because you are a bit tired, would love to sleep a bit more and don't want to go to work and being too tired to get up because of an illness. It really could be an Olympic discipline. Except there is no training for that. You're directly in the pro league.

I canceled tons of stuff and work appointments because of that. "Sorry I am having health issues at the moment". People must think I'm super fragile and I hope they don't worry about anything serious. I mean, this is already serious because of suicidal thoughts but maybe they think I have cancer. Why am I caring ? I can't explain to them, they're just clients.

I have that need to explain what's wrong and that's why I'm here.

Some other nights, I slept about 14h and spent the 10 hours left in bed too tired to do anything. I skipped breakfast because it was too late, lunch too because it was over 1 pm and I was too tired to hold on until dinner time. And my meds made me gain weigh. That's unfair !

I admit I prefer sleeping a lot because I have less dark thoughts and am in a lethargic state during the day, so I felt "okay" beside extremely tired. I know that's bad but I had a period during which I overdosed Psyko just to stay in that state. If there was no point in life, if I didn't have to get up for rehearsal or work I would probably keep doing this.

So we tried to reduce Psyko.

But I was still incredibly tired most of the time.

So my therapist told me to reduce Sleepy. Maybe that's because of him.

Because of the dependence it causes, we have to start super slowly. I started too fast. I went from 2 mg, to 1 mg (via 1.5 mg) in less than 10 days and had to go back to 2 mg. What happened ? Well, it took me more than 4 hours to fall asleep after 23h30 (11h30 pm) and I woke up at 7h45. 2 nights in a row. And the exhaustion was so strong in the morning that I really and truly wished to fall back asleep forever because what was the point ? I couldn't even leave my bed, my legs, back and everything were hurting and I just wanted to cry and give up everything.

So I got back to 2 mg. Today I'm at 1.5 mg. It's been about 3 weeks and I'm incredifuckinbly scared to go under again (like really, it makes me cry like a baby all alone on my bed on the evenings and all) because I feel like I would not survive one more shitty night. I'm writing this at this moment.

The battle for the Sleep Kingdom is not over.

I hope to see you all tomorrow.