#let's get put there and give it 20%
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Post gideon's resurrection and post lobotomy-undoing harrow carries around extremely accurate diagrams of gideon and her many features so that in case they ever get in a similar situation she will definitely remember who gideon is
#what i'm saying is she has a diagram of gideon's pussy and she keeps it in her wallet#and with that i leave you. and leave the work bathroom#to 'do' my 'job'#let's get put there and give it 20%#out
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Rewatching act 2.... yeah ISHA WATCH OUT FOR THE CYCLE ISHA!!!!! NOOOOO
#ambessa setting up the logs on a fireplace while literally adding fuel to the fire with cailtyn... subtelty#silco spent his whole life trying to rile the undercity together STUPID JOKE THAT IT IS you have the chance to pull it off#isha is the true revolutionary after all... jinx get up to her level#was jinx scared of having hallucinations when the girl she released was gonna touch her shoulder??? and then she didn't#what i find really funny is that warwick knows how to use elevators and that funicular to the prison#also there is a lot of blood when he appears in the prison.... it was surprising#vander recognizing jinx with the name of powder after she complained about it eariler its just crazy crazy crazy#people commenting that its unrealistic how caitlyn bests vi when they meet in episode 6 as if there wasn't a montage about how she lost her#edge because of alcohol and living like shit.... she's not like jinx lmao....#rewatching so recently is so weird i imagine it is as close as being dr manhattan as i can get it is literally happening all at once#also the people of piltover are so dumb... lets let the government implement martial law and put this 20 something with 0 political#experience on charge with the army of this outsider agent. alright. i can tell you guys dont vote in this oligarchy you know fuck all#well i guess in that case it isnt the people of piltovers fault... just the important families that contribute in this oligarchy...#putting count fagula in charge.... salo is speciallt dumb but we all knew that#katie leung needs awards btw.... and interviews#“do not test this or you will yearn for caitlyn's dungeons” be careful singed my friend vi fell for that and look at her... her dungeons...#vander reaching for isha not jinx.... OR VI.... she just stopped him#“hes gonna kill you” and vi fighting vander to protect jinx.... yeah#and then she trusts jinx and the beast turns into vander... he serves as a recognizing tool for their true selves...#their mom being so worried about how to name vi and then names the second one POWDER kahdksjsk never not funny... also the barber of zaun#when vi joins with jayce she unlocks this loser flop aspect of her mother's inheritance.... two losers joining to maximize their joint flop#also vander kinda giving up this promise to protect the girls instead of bettering zaun... how it puts him in a standstill bc it's either or#like damn there is nothing as undoing as a daughter for reals. she didnt experience that bc she died so now vander has to and here we are#episide 6 starts with the end of the episode when viktor drops that metal piece..... hello..... is this anything#“do you think this place could work” underground utopia.... DYNASTIES AND DYSTOPIA FEAR IS NEVER AN OPTION SO DYING'S NOT A REAL PROBLEM#didnt ambessa suspect anything when they spent loke a full minite staring at each other 😭😭 she's lost her edge...#just like when she clocked sevika but not jinx... when there's a strong butch in the area her radar gets jammed up#and caitlyn leaving her weapon behind... ambessa thought she was gonna fistfight warwick or something#the metal thing falling when viktor dies repeats THREE TIMES WHAT DOES THAT MEAN#watching arcane season 2
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That episode wouldve been perfect if the pacing was a liiiitle bit slower
#look i liked it i loved it i think there was a lot of dear work put in it it was genuinely a very cool episode and all#BUT i cant get it outta my head since j watched it that it was so QUICK#i know they had to fit it all in 20 minutes or so#but it was SO rushed to me#the first part was okay#and then we move to court and it was a biit fast and i have not processed what happening yet#we dwell a bit on the court thing so by now my emotions have properly landed#although i still wish it was a little longer#and then BAM blitz being executed that part is pretty cool#but the part where he sacrifices himself also let me wishing for a longer time#although i they probably did the best on that one#and then stolas arrives and starts singing out of the blue#which okay fair thats the point he jumps to singing#but i really wish they took a bit longer on A. him stopping the axe and B. he taking in all of the situation and trying to clear things up#and THEN starting his song#the song was *also* a bit quick to me and the transitions from one layer to the other felt a bit rushed#but who am i to tell the music professionals how to music#i mean i as the audience kind of can. but i feel like its not rlly that bad or anything its just that the WHOLE episode passed in a blink#didnt give time for my emotions to keep up with everything#helluva boss#helluva boss spoilers#helluva boss s2#helluva boss mastermind#mastermind#hb spoilers
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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there is nothing that will grow your ego faster than a little dog following you around instead listening of anyone else. my puppy now
#just me hi#we got a puppy btw I may have failed to mention that lmfvsh#He's so cute ? He's so cute dude#I'm not a dog person and I don't know how I'm supposed to like. Interact with him (he doesn't purr or try to kill me when he doesn't like#stuff so how do I know ? concerned about this hvfhs) but I am rubbing his little head and baby talking him#fish likely don't know he exists cats Hate him#<- they won't let me touch them because they don't like the dog smell :(#They'll get acclimated at one point but my little feelings. Owch#also idk what this dude's name is one minute it's alote the next it's lindo now he's martín what's going On#I go 'Hiiiii :D' and he goes ':D !' and that's how we're doing this kfvshf#Also idk if I mentioned this already but the dog at my job likes me too. Apparently he doesn't do that often cuz there's a guy that's tried#To be buddies w/ him for like 20 years or smth and -I- thought one week of standoffishness was much KGHFS#I am so sorry guy I forgot the name of bc I don't think I've interacted with you before though to be honest I prolly woulda forgotten it by#now anyway and that's really on me. What was I saying. Oh yea sorry about the dog thing Guy. It's so tragic#kinda funny to have the same problem dog people say they have with cats like 'you can't tell how they're feeling!!'#first of all yes you can. They're so obvious about it they're literally biting violence killing you if they don't like it#Unless! They are playing :) and I can't explain how I know they're playing except for that little roll they do in the middle of it. adorabl#I don't think i had a second of all but aside from the tail wagging is he gonna like. Give me a fatal stink eye if I annoy him#I gotta look these things up......#He keeps trying nibble on my hands and idk what to do about that ? He's not putting any pressure but I don't like his Wet Wet mouth lmfvshf#Which btw his mouth is SO wet. Idk why I though only some dogs had a substantial amount of spit but this dude has a borderline human-wet#mouth. There's. wet in there#//OH i gtg TOODLESSSS
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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time
I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world
And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with
#N posts stuff#one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety#now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body#but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself#like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao#bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something'#like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with#is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again#and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than#'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it#which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that#so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :)#if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively#like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away.#and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered#like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?'#dimension 20#d20: stupendous stoats#tula#d20lb
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they should just give me a job
#the job hunt has not been going well#best case scenario... i get a merchandising job or something#boy oh boy can i put things in places#but being on my feet for 8 hours straight sounds like it would actually make my legs give out on me#and i cannot lift and carry things for super long#and i actually have not a single qualification for literally any job#(i am born to play and draw and write and think not to work)#i apply to a hundred jobs i hear back from zero#how is a man supposed to do this in this economy#sorry for being 20 and unemployed and never worked before and cant drive im just a little guy#i like home depot. i applied to 8 different jobs for home depot. lets see if i ever hear back from a single one#idk what it is about home depot maube i just like the smell of wood#i also applied to a job that would train me to get my pharmacy technician liscence so im hoping for that one#i do my dads pills and did both my grandmother's pills and i do my own and i could do that all day everyday#putting the pill in there is so easy and free and dare i say. kind of fun
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Me vs outlining a perfect plan for my day in my head which I can be the only one allowed to change the schedule vs my mom asking me to do 2 simple tasks
#she was like hey can you take the trash out I was like ughhhh okay yeah give me a min (I was still ordering weed)#my mom less than a minute later : hey if you want to break down all the cardboard out there I’d appreciate it Me: actually I’d rather not I#was about to shower right after I put this weed order in#then she gets all pissed at me bc I never do what she asks and blah blah blah blah blah#like. girl. I know she can’t see in my brain but I was not awake last night watching cleaning videos and psyching myself up for a day full#of cleaning my room and showering and doing laundry and cleaning funks cage and doobs cage and making my bed and dusting my ceiling fan and#taking apart my box fan to clean it and cleaning the water pitcher in the fridge and deep cleaning#like GAH I HAVE SO MANY PLANS TODAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING AND JUST SIT ON MY ASS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP#ripping my hair out and screaming banging my fists on the floor#I literally was like yeah I’ll take the trash out no I will not break down boxes right now and she went off on a whole fucking thing like#just shut up.#I hate it. why do I make plans in my head of the exact order I have to do things and if one person suggest doing anything differently or#pushing my schedule back further than I wanted to myself I get so annoyed I explode into a ball of flames#I wanted to shower dry off pick up weed let out funk refill the humidifier clean the bathroom mirrors throw sort and clean the bathroom#shelves sweep start a load of laundry clean off my desk which means cleaning and organizing my closet or my desk dresser thing to fit the#crap on my desk and I have to clean and reorganize the space next to my desk so I can fit my boombox there bc the humidifier took its place#next to funk and like I want to just cry why does everything have to be so fucking difficult for me why is everything simple for everyone#else and for me every simple task is composed of one million baby tasks that I have to do in the correct order forever or everyone around m#will think I’m stupid and dumb forever like WHAT THE HELL WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DO THING#IN WHATEVER ORDER AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN A 20 MINUTE SETBACK DOESNT COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR DAY#AHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT#BUT INSTEAD. I WILL GO TAKE THE TRASH OUT. AND NOT BREAK DOWN THE CARDBOARD BC THAT MEANS GETTING MY KNIFE AND MY HEADPHONES AND PUTTING MO#CLOTHES ON WHICH IS COUNTERINTUITIVE#TO THE WHOLE ABOUT TO TAKE A SHOWER THING#UGHHHHHHH#I am the worst human on the planet and I deserve infinite suffering#fuck this whole thing I’m pissed I’m gonna listen to music and rage clean after I pick up weed and shower
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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Looks like it's time to graduate from a student bank account to an adult bank account
#awi#personal#over a month ago there was fraud on my parents account#they caught it sorted it its all good#except#my ability to pay external bills keeps getting blocked#i call. i wait in the hold line 45 minutes. i explain my issue and the rep says huh that weird let me put you on hold while i check with#my supervisor. except im not put on hold. im booted back to the main menu#i get back in the hold line. another 30 minutes. i get a different person. i explain. they havent seen it before. theyre checking with#their supervisor. i am booted back to the main menu. i lose my compusure perhaps a lot#next day i call again. i explain. i say BEFORE YOU PUT ME ON HOLD TO CHECK WITH YOUR SUPERVISOR please know that if i appear to have hung#up I Did Not. Please Call Me Back. i am booted back to the main menu. i hang up and wait for the call back. they do not call back#i call. i wait in line 20+ minutes. i explain. they havent seen it before but hey try xyz. okay. i hang up to try xyz. it doesnt work.#i call. the hold line is over 30 minutes again. i give up#next day i call. wait in line 20+ minutes. havent seen that before. try abc? okay. i hang up to try abc. it doesnt work. i cry.#i tell my parents im fuckin losing it. its probably related to that fraud. are you guys having this issue???? no were paying ours just fine.#okay so fuck me in particular#i call. i wait in line 20+ minutes. they wont talk to me. im not the primary account holder. i say ive been talking to people for weeks.#they say not sure why but they can only talk to the primary account holder. i text my mom. i show her the error im getting. she says lets#go to the bank in person. i say okay. its too late today but we can go tomorrow. i will pick you up tomorrow mom. she says okay#i message her in the morning to silence. let me know when youre up! silence. fuck i drive over shes still asleep and theyre closing in an#hour.i drag her to the fuckin bank. wait in line. teller hasnt seen this before. asks his supervisor. she says oh i know exactly what that#is! but i cant fix it. call this number. i sit in the lobby and call the number. theyre closed. okay. i tell my mom i will call tomorrow but#if theyll only talk to the primary then youll need to call. i call. they wont talk to me. i text my mom. they close at 3 you need to call#silence. at 330 she texts that theyre closed. tomorrows a holiday. i remind her in person to call tomorrow. today i remind her again to call#i dont hear from her so at 4 i ask what the bank said. she says they closed at 3. she didnt call#im going to drive off a fuckin cliff#the bank will be open a little while after i get off work but ill be hella late to feed my cat. might just have to feed her late because im#an inch from losing my shit and i will take the ability to Pay My Fucking Bills over the covenience of the joint family account
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god i wish i was drawing funny shit cause a new favorite workaround i found for rgg characters without canonical tattoos is just to hit their back with the PHATTEST censor/mosaic filter imaginable as if you're looking at some confidential shit
#snap chats#like yk in ns/fw shit they put that filter over dicks. yeah except its just cause i dont know what to put here LMAOOO#unfortunately no im drawing something serious i guess UGH#i guess spoilers on that decision i made I Am Drawing The Arakawa Version#it just fits better for what i plan on drawing this week too when i thought bout it#its just an arakawa weekend i guess lmao#anyway no cause i might draw him shirtless in this one which means i have to do gymnastics to avoid drawing his back#alternatively i could just give him a night shirt- thats what i did for that one comic i did#though im drawing him when hes in his 20s and for some reason thats greenlight for not wearing a shirt to bed#which is funny cause i personally dont like dressing less for bed- but then again i sleep on a couch in my day clothes so#maybe i should just get shot im a fiend arent i ☠️#in any case. no cause ive thought of other arakawa-without-a-shirt comics#like i had a silly shower one in mind but i also imagined giving him one of them fluffy bath robes so#in truth i dont have a lot of opportunities to draw anyone shirtless so BIGGEST rip to that funny idea#though i could def think of something if i really tried#in any case let me get back to this comic. i already have three on my plate to work through so i should stop before i think of anymore
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if i see that fucking "don’t forget that someone else’s outdoor cat is your indoor cat" post one more goddamn time im gonna start throwing bricks at people its very simple. you cant just fucking do that. its not that easy. die or ill kill you myself
#some motherfuckers have taken my disdain for this post as me saying “outdoor cats are fine” and every single one of them is stupid as shit#FOR REAL#because if you just decide hm im gonna take this collarless cat home w me bc this is prob someones outdoor cat they're being irresponsible#abt#then just Do That without checking for ownership im stealing smth from ur fucking house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#think abt TRANSMISSIBLE DISEASES#and the fucking reality of the world that SOMETIMES INDOOR CATS GET OUT#plus like. my cat is indoor outdoor. shes fucking 13-14 years old. she's entirely too used to having her routine that she tears#up the doorframes if we dont let her out#she WONT wear a collar or harness#she WILL take off a collar we put on her#we keep her inside 80% of the time#the other 20% is just completely un fucking avoidable and i dont want anyone to give me their two cents on that unless they#have personally trained an old ass cat to enjoy collars/harnesses/whatever the fuck#come to me w some shit i will simply destroy you. you are a dumb motherfucker and if you think taking random cats off the street SIMPLY#BECAUSE its 'probably someones outdoor cat' ESPECIALLY without checking for ownership i hope to god you get rabies#chatlas
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So today I want to talk about puberty blockers for transgender kids, because despite being cisgender, this is a subject I’m actually well-versed in. Specifically, I want to talk about how far backwards things have gone.
This story starts almost 20 years ago, and it’s kind of long, but I think it’s important to give you the full history. At the time, I was working as an administrative assistant for a pediatric endocrinologist in a red state. Not a deep deep red state like Alabama, we had a little bit of a purple trend, but still very much red. (I don’t want to say the state at the risk of doxxing myself.) And I took a phone call from a woman who said, “My son is transgender. Does your doctor do hormone therapy?”
I said, “Good question! Let me find out.”
I went into the back and found the doctor playing Solitaire on his computer and said, “Do you do hormone therapy for transgender kids?” It had literally never come up before. He had opened his practice there in the early 2000s. This was roughly 2006, and the first time someone asked. Without looking up from his game of Solitaire, the doctor said, “I’ve never done it before, but I know how it works, so sure.”
I got back on the phone and told the mom, who was overjoyed, and scheduled an appointment for her son. He was the first transgender child we treated with puberty blockers. But not, by far, the first child we treated with puberty blockers, period. Because puberty blockers are used very commonly for children with precocious puberty (early-onset puberty). I would say about twenty percent of the kids our doctor treated were for precocious puberty and were on puberty blockers. They have been well studied and are widely used, safe, and effective.
Well. It turned out, the doctor I worked for was the only doctor in the state who was willing to do this. And word spread pretty fast in the tight-knit community of ‘parents of transgender children in a red state’. We started seeing more kids. A better drug came out. We saw some kids who were at the age where they were past puberty, and prescribed them estrogen or testosterone. Our doctor became, I’m fairly sure, a small folk hero to this community.
Insurance coverage was a struggle. I remember copying articles and pages out of the Endocrine Society Manual to submit with prior authorization requests for the medications. Insurance coverage was a struggle for a lot of what we did, though. Growth hormone for kids with severe idiopathic short stature. Insulin pumps, which weren’t as common at the time, and then continuous glucose monitoring, when that came out. Insurance struggles were just part and parcel of the job.
I remember vividly when CVS Caremark, a pharmaceutical management company, changed their criteria and included gender dysphoria as a covered diagnosis for puberty blockers. I thought they had put the option on the questionnaire to trigger an automatic denial. But no - it triggered an approval. Medicaid started to cover it. I got so good at getting approvals with my by then tidy packet of articles and documentation that I actually had people in other states calling me to see what I was submitting (the pharmaceutical rep gave them my number because they wanted more people on their drug, which, shady, but sure. He did ask me if it was okay first).
And here’s the key point of this story:
At no point, during any of this, did it ever even occur to any of us that we might have to worry about whether or not what we were doing was legal.
It just never even came up. It was the medically recommended treatment so we did it. And seeing what’s happening in the UK and certain states in America is both terrifying and genuinely shocking to me, as someone who did this for almost fifteen years, without ever even wondering about the legality of it.
The doctor retired some years ago, at which point there were two other doctors in the state who were willing to prescribe the medications for transgender kids. I truly think that he would still be working if nobody else had been willing to take those kids on as patients. He was, by the way, a white cisgender heterosexual Boomer. I remember when he was introduced to the concept of ‘genderfluid’ because one of our patients on HRT wanted to go off. He said ‘that’s so interesting!’ and immediately went to Google to learn more about it.
I watched these kids transform. I saw them come into the office the first time, sometimes anxious and uncertain, sometimes sullen and angry. I saw them come in the subsequent times, once they were on hormone therapy, how they gradually became happy and confident in themselves. I saw the smiles on their faces when I gave them a gender marker letter for the DMV. I heard them cheer when I called to tell them I’d gotten HRT approved by insurance and we were calling in a prescription. It was honestly amazing and I will always consider the work I did in that red state with those kids to be something I am incredibly proud of. I was honored to be a part of it.
When I see all this transgender backlash, it’s horrifying, because it was well on the way to become standard and accepted treatment. Insurances started to cover it. Other doctors were learning to prescribe it. And now … it’s fucking illegal? Like what the actual fuck. We have gone so far backwards that it makes me want to cry. I don’t know how to stop this slide. But I wrote this so people would understand exactly how steep the slide is.
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There’s this guy in town who owns this little house, and a while back he rescued a street dog that was going to get put down. Turned out she was pregnant.
Problem is, he has mental health & drug issues and couldn’t afford to get them all spayed & neutered, so now there are 6 grown bitches with 15 puppies total, and they’ve dug under his fence in multiple places but he can’t afford to fix it so they go roaming all around town. (When I say can’t afford it, I mean his house is currently running on a generator because he can’t afford his electric bill.) He’s also a day laborer so he cannot take multiple full days off work to take them to the vet an hour away. He’s in a really rough spot.
He’s not a bad person. He’s just overwhelmed.
And this little conservative town with 6 churches for 300 people, have they tried to help their neighbor? Have they adopted the puppies he’s been trying to give away? Have they offered resources?
NOPE! All they wanna do is talk shit about him and complain about the dogs but never lift a finger of their own. And they come to his house to yell at him and cuss him out about the dogs, which does not exactly engender in him a cooperative attitude, as you might imagine.
So after a while of this going on, my mom gets fed up with all the NIMBY bullshit and starts talking to the guy, because she’s done animal rescue for 20-odd years and has Connections. He’s resistant at first, but when he realizes she’s not being an asshole to him on account of his addiction or the dogs, he decides to let her help.
She gets to work organizing and networking. Finds a non-profit that will cover vaccinations, spay/neuter, and flea treatments for all the dogs. Talks the next-door neighbor into paying for materials to fix the fence, since this guy can do the work of it himself. Gets him in touch with another non-profit that will adopt out the adult dogs.
Less than 2 weeks after she decided to do something, all puppies have been to the vet, 10 puppies and 4 adult dogs have been adopted out, and the second non-profit is coming by next week to pick up the remaining 7 dogs to ship them out for adoption.
I’ve learned a lot of things from my mom—some good, some bad—but I think the most important positive message she lives as an example of is this: sometimes, when something needs done and no one else is willing, you gotta stand up and say “I’ll do it.”
#dogs#animal rescue#liveblogging the texas hill country#pets#d’ye like dagss#true story#blog together queue alone
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#the legal battle will take so long#this is going to be the hardest thing ive ever done and maybe will ever do#life has and will change forever. for the better? i hope but i dont know#is this the right thing to do? yes#does that make it easier? ....only slightly. and itll have to be enough. and i realize now that it is#but oh god does it hurt. im a victim too maybe the oldest one? oldest one alive anyway. that i know of#i cant. believe it#hindsight is 40/20 in this case but fuck#a part of me wants to tell him#to pull him aside and say#i know what you did. i know what you did and its going to come out.#and if it was only in the past i might choose to let the dead rest#but i cant let you near those kids. i can only pray to a god i dont believe in that its not already too late#but baby axel still has a chance#i know with this shit system i wont be able to take the kids from derek#but i can put you away and maybe thatll be enough#i wanna tell him that im going to the police and they WILL be coming to his mothers house#and i wanna tell him that because i loved him. So MUCH once#that im giving him the chance to kill himself and take the cowards way out before its too late#i... mean that a little too and that hurts the most#i cant kill him even though id like to choke the life out of him myself#i cant ruin my life for the man that tried to already#but it would save us all so much trouble if he did us all a favor and shot himself in the fucking skull#theres always going to be more kids and hes gotten to 4 over 2 decades at least. and those are only the ones i know for certain#hes just a pedophile. it makes so much sense now#fuck. fuck.#maybe in a few days ill be able to think about something else#can barely focus on trump getting convicted lol#id say delete later but i wont
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there's an artist I rly like not naming names but one of their ocs looks EXACTLY like [redacted person ik irl] and it always makes me double take whenever they draw them bc for a second im always like ohhh.. that's them..... but they wouldn't do that... it makes me feel soo strange
#like its not just a 'huh they remind me a little of this person' its always 'wait why did someone draw them like that'#like the mannerisms and expressions they give the character are usually pretty spot on too... ah!!#but the characters backstory n setting are wildly different. very bizarre just saw a post of theirs again and it reminded me#anyway!! woke up a bit early feeling a little nauseous but i made myself eat and its started to pass#gonna let myself stay in bed 15 more minutes and then ill get dressed and put a folder of important docs together to take to the gp#cuz idk exactly what theyll need from me in order to register. im guessing photo id + proof of address at minimum#but i wont head out until maybe 9:30 bc they dont open until 8:30 but it might only be for calls not doors the first half hour or so#being very brave!!!!!#oh my prescribers just got back to me too phew. she said i can go back down which is good cuz ive already done that this morning LOL#she suggested i can try 40 again but take 20 in the morning and 20 at lunch since it seems to wear off after 6 hours-ish hmm#maybe ill consider testing that tomorrow. just worried itd fuck w my sleep ahh but worth a try..#i do get very sleepy after it wears off so it might work out we'll see#happy monday everyone muah. go listen to 23 by blonde redhead for me <3<3<3#.diaries
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