#let’s appreciate Bad a little more
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valrnyx · 1 year ago
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Ya know what’s one thing that makes me pissed off/very frustrated?
On the original island, q!Bad was constantly up in the main plot and involved in everything. He knew almost everyone’s secrets, especially in the early days of the server. He’s always called upon for almost any group mission and is considered one of the most reliable people on the server. He’s constantly taking care of the eggs and keeping them alive. Hell, he was runner up for president when elections were happening. Bad actually would have won if Forever gave his vote to Bad like he said he would rather than voting for himself (which I’m pretty sure was against the rules anyway😒). That just shows how much trust and respect the CCs have for Bad.
Both q!Bad and CC!Bad get almost zero credit from non-ghosties for any of it. Bad does all of this and instead of getting credit, he constantly is shit on and dragged through the mud by this god forsaken community. Whether it’s for a decision he made as a CC or something his character did, there’s never some section of this fan base that isn’t pissed at him for one reason or another. Just the other day, Gumi made a first time Lethal Company lobby for Bad to play in with friends he’s comfortable with. Cellbit was invited since they’re friends and apparently this pissed off some of Cellbit’s community enough for them to start harassing ghosties on Twitter (not sure if this was going around to everyone, but someone I follow on Twitter went priv cause they were being harassed and sent death threats).
Bad is also made the villain in so many different scenarios because people need someone to blame and Bad just happened to be convenient. This got infinitely worse after Purgatory (this community got significantly worse during purgatory. Somehow worse than it was during the election arc). Bad was deemed a boogie man and then “conveniently forgot everything” after the event ended, when in reality he was just doing everything in his power to save his son (JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING. HE QUITE LITERALLY DID NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE) and then ended up with radiation induced amnesias and slowly dying.
I’m so exhausted, pissed off, and frustrated of Bad and his fanbase being harassed and shit on in this community. I feel like no one besides his fanbase and the CCs appreciate any of the work he’s done and it drives me nuts.
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marimbles · 2 months ago
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It seems to be pretty well established that most fanfic authors don’t mind when readers leave comments on old fics and in fact welcome it. But what about authors replying to old comments?
Do readers care in general whether an author replies? Is it expected and seen as rude if they don’t? Is it nice when they do but not expected? Is there a time limit to the welcomeness of replies? Like is it nice if they respond within a few weeks but if it’s been months or years it feels awkward because you don’t remember the fic anymore? I’m curious!
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mockiery · 1 month ago
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they should've put Hook in more fun lil outfits like. his princely time travel royal ball fit? his scrappy lil "blacksmith" shawl he wore when Emma tied his lying ass to a tree? put that man in a suit of armor to rob people again. let Killian have some subterfuge looks pleeeeeaaase, he deserved more fun outfits to be bad at lying in
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thatonecrookedsmile · 9 months ago
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I would say that, considering his history, he's not that wrong, but even I have doubts as to whether that would be right. But at the end of the day, this is just a joke that's been in my head for a while, sooooo…eh.
Oh hey, an attempt at a comic? Made by me? That I didn't give up during the process or lost all motivation? What was my only attempt at this, 2019? Damn, it's been a long time.
I thought about leaving this here without editing or any colors, just the natural ones from the paper and pencil. But something in my head said "HAHAHA, no" so I went back to work. I had to put this idea down on paper this time (literally). If another year passes without me being able to execute this idea, I would lose my mind.
This scenario was inspired by this video by Jehtt, inspired by the original meme by Windii. Credits to both of them.
For a long time I wanted to joke - especially on the anniversary - that I wanted Sammy to only have less than 5 seconds in the next game (or in other words, take his screen time in DR, and shorten it even more). You know, just for the funnies (unless..?) But,thanks to the news released at the beginning of January this year about The Cage, I legally can't do this joke anymore…this year. Don't worry, after that comes out (and finally gives Sam the screen time he wants,hopefully) and we start to crawl into the Bendy 3 production era, I'll make this joke when I can.
Anyway, happy birthday Sammy Lawrence. You may not be my favorite character in this franchise, but there are some things I can actually appreciate about you. Plus, you made me laugh a few moments before (you know what I'm talking about) so there's that.
And happy 7 years to Chapter 2, and by extension, Susie, Norman, Alice, the Searchers, (Johnny????), and Beta Ink Bendy. (I would mention Jack too, but he was only introduced with the release of CH4, so technically it's not his birthday yet, but I'll consider him here).
And now? May I be able to do something for CH4's anniversary. Wish me luck,cus I'll need it.
(it might be really late now, but it's still the 18th where I live, so it's still his birthday, so I still won)
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sophistired18 · 2 months ago
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Kryk ficlet about something something january, insecurities, the Earth, and sisters. Pt. 2/3(?)
Snow is falling, you're floating, let me anchor you.
"Geez, you look more nervous than me." Yaku blurts, observing Kuroo silently run circles in his head.
They're walking around the corner, about to reach the restaurant that Kuroo agreed on with his sister. Kuroo promised Yaku he'd make this work out sometime soon, but he didn't expect it to be this soon. Honestly, he was surprised she even picked up at all. Then he tried setting up a date a month ahead, which she declined due to her 'very busy schedule'. Kuroo's certain she's definitely wanting to avoid this too. Although, what he didn't expect is for her to say that she was free two weeks from then. So that's why he and Yaku are walking in the snow to a small restaurant after a long train ride to Yokohama in the middle of January. And each step they take closer, the more Kuroo realizes how much he dreads this trip. Or dreads his family. Well, his sister mostly.
"I'm not nervous." Kuroo replies. "She irritates me. Not in the way you do, I love you, she's just always rubbed me off in the wrong way." Kuroo begrudges.
"More than Daishou?" Yaku questions, his voice airing in amusement.
"Yes. More than Daishou." Kuroo admits, scrunching his brow.
"Wow. That's a new low." Yaku hums. "But, seriously, you said you didn't care what she thinks. I'm not going to get butthurt if she doesn't like me. I'm stuck with you whether she approves or not." Yaku says truthfully, nudging Kuroo in the shoulder with his fist.
"Yeah, because I don't care what she thinks." Kuroo emphasizes. "Don't give me that look. I mean it! I genuinely don't. I don't care what she thinks of me, per se.."
"So you're worried that she'll think badly of me?" Yaku asks with an air of curiosity, rather than suspicion.
"It's more like.. well, yes. Sort of. Yes. But just to be clear, it's not because I think you're a bad person that she will immediately disapprove of." Kuroo attempts to explain.
"Obviously." Yaku responds, sureness radiating off his voice. He looks up at Kuroo afterwards, insinuating for him to continue.
"What I'm trying to say is, you're an amazing person. Don't say anything, I'm not done yet." Kuroo stops Yaku before he can butt in. "And I love you so much. Which you'd think that these two things would matter as a deciding factor on whether or not my sister will react amicably... but I highly doubt any of it would even matter." Kuroo lets out.
Yaku inhales, places his hands together, before pointing both accusingly at Kuroo. "Tetsu, dear, please get to the fucking point."
"Mori, she's never ever cared about anything I do or like. Which wasn't of course, a big deal to me like ever. Except, until now. Because now, you mean so much more than anything I've ever liked."
"Except volleyball of course." Yaku remarks.
"Ehh more or less equal I'd say." Kuroo laughs.
"Okay sureee, but continue." Yaku rolls his eyes, knowing there's much more to his idiot boyfriend's internal family complex.
Kuroo sighs. "I never cared if she had nothing to do with my life. I mean, heck, she didn't say a single thing to me when our team went to nationals. My mom at least sent a text! And graduation! Both graduations! She didn't even show up. Only called to say congrats and then hung up." He says exasperatedly, leaving him to wonder why he's so out of breath after letting that out. "So yeah, she can do her own thing, it's whatever. But, there's one thing I will absolutely not stand for her to ignore or treat like it's not a big deal, and that's you. Because if she did, then I know it's simply based on her view of me. And I don't think I could ever let anyone treat you that way, especially if it's because of me. Because you are such a-"
"Tetsu. Hey, I get it." Yaku says gentle yet firm. He stands in front of him, physically stopping Kuroo in his tracks, before reaching to hold his shoulders in place. Then he continues, "But, I also completely disagree. You're forgetting the fact that you are also a fucking amazing person. So please for the love of god, please remember that. Because then, who cares what she thinks of you or me. I already know who I am, you do too. Don't let her get to your head before we've even seen her yet."
Kuroo looks into Yaku's eyes and feels vulnerable yet comforted all at once. He feels grounded. He closes his eyes, calming down his nerves that, he denied in having, and opens them to meet Yaku's eyes again. "Okay." He slowly nods.
"We don't need her blessing." Yaku reassures. "Besides, I already got your dad's and Kenma's, and those are the only ones that really matter anyways." Yaku smiles, which only brings Kuroo back down to Earth once more. Yaku does that. There's this security about him that Kuroo craves and adores, and also partially envies.
"Damn it." Kuroo curses. He lowers his neck so his forehead meets Yaku's. "I love you so much, you know that?" He takes a deep breath, wrapping his arms around the smaller man. "Thanks, I needed that."
Yaku chuckles, his warm breath visible in the cold. "You really overthink the easiest of things. I just need you here in the present, Okay? Otherwise those five braincells of yours are going to explode." Yaku laughs lightheartedly, which is adorable even if it was after he just insulted Kuroo basically three times in a row. Yet, every bit of it helped Kuroo ease up a bit, only confirming that he must be some sort of masochist.
Instead of delving into that thought, he decides to come back to Earth, where Yaku is waiting for him. Kuroo presses a light kiss atop of Yaku's head and leaves his lips there, breathing him in.
"You ready now?" Yaku asks, peering his head up.
Kuroo smiles. "Yeah, I'm ready."
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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 months ago
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(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this
#Shrouded In A Rectangle neither sleeves nor an open front to be besieged with? yes#just doing whatever else like doesn't matter. tee cargo shorts which is my best guess rn of my ideal outfit. + sandals Absolutely#unfortunately my hair could never do that. somehow neither am i yet like forties fifties? have i not been at this for eons?#i Can be like uh let's just nobody talk to me i'm busy pensively perceiving truths that you don't ever actually wanna hear about#just the other day it was like hey....a [way Having To Talk could be a difficulty / problem] was under my nose in this lifelong pattern#certainly noticing the Verbal Exchange Demand heaped upon burnout as like [delay delay delay struggle weariness stress]#but also who knows like spent plenty of time just probably indeed Not having to have such exchanges while burned out. not noting them#anyway like this isn't even [dysphoric Ideal Outfit until i could [whatever supposed even more ideal than that gender euphoria]]#though shoutout to that but like nah get shrouded anyway. the only [how do i look] im motivated to consider is: when it's a costume#when it's just me it's like. i guess whatever pants and a comfortable enough tee. need glasses. hair's w/e so cut quite short ig#might accessorize w/things that are fun to me like hey yeah yknow i might want a calculator watch#[yea as a kid it was like :( im actively appreciating the animals supposedly Gross or Bad] if i had hated little friends Sure yaay#if i had disorienting light effects like a pelagic creature. but you don't even need that. like hey i'm nd in real life. i got it#chat i'm in the walls too bestie lmao. if only my bigfoot pose reference Step was this good#tl;dr long rephrasing of my being like; now the gender slay....#& nodding & Noting when [worksheet exercise: what's your gender euphoria look?] is like shrug idk. but this is serving maximally to me; so#going Chat how can i up my uncanny stats. looking up ''isn't it like Uncanny knowledge e.g. so like why not....canny''#but i think the un canny is the Uncanniness Accuser's perspective. not of My ken. your literal weird one maybe#so again apt to be like jk i'm just autistic & shit; i got it....horror shit challenge impossible: Don't have sm typical mundane#[disability moment] as like Unsettling danger/malice cues. challenge impossible; again#subverted here like as [horror holding hands touching foreheads w/comedy] w/o Rescinding just casual disabled behavior/qualities#just remembered like three witches weird sisters etc macbeth. weird uncanny soothsaying gendering. word#anyway i should be shrouded (made no any connection whenever i put the blanket now over my head & shoulders in place min ago)#perhaps the real Ideal Look insight: i do not have any way i wish to be observed by people. secret passages / removed room anytime
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femmeleatherface · 2 months ago
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no context spoilers for the phantom of manhattan
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this book is fucking TERRIBLE
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theheadlessgroom · 9 days ago
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@beatingheart-bride
At that rumination, Susannah paused, beginning to wonder the same thing: What if she and Philippe had crossed paths all those years ago, and just didn't know it? Had she looked out into the sea of partygoers, and seen a young blonde-haired man among the faces in the crowd, blissfully unaware that he was the love of her life? Had they walked past each other, unknowingly meeting years before he set foot in Mickey's Haberdashery?
"I...I wish we'd met earlier..."
As soon as she said it, Susannah flinched, cheeks reddening at the embarrassment flooding through her-but it was the truth, wasn't it? She did wish they'd found each other sooner...she wished she hadn't had to live the last several years of her life feeling so empty, particularly in the absence of her father. She wished she could've had him to turn to-to look forward to seeing after work every night, to sit and talk to on an early morning over breakfast, to lay against his chest as they swayed to the music playing from the nearby restaurants...
And Philippe! Her beloved could've found happiness too, had they met just a little sooner-he could've had an escape from the pressures of his family, them constantly breathing down his neck, so fixed on their ideal life for him that they overlooked who he really was at heart. She wished she could've been there for him earlier-to give him an escape from the iron-clad expectations of the upper class, to be able to listen to him (to really, really listen to him), to give him some measure of comfort through her presence...
She just wished neither of them hadn't had to be alone for so long.
Cheeks still warm, she held up the tome she'd grabbed, trying to brush past her bittersweet comment as she said, "Th-This looks like the one Belle read from, I-I think it has all the same stories!"
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tritoch · 1 year ago
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me: oh wow an ffxiv theory/meta post! i love these even when i don't agree with them. i wonder if this person will highlight an underdiscussed aspect of the setting, or reframe someone's characterization interestingly the post: "in the original japanese--" me: unsubscribed. blocked. reported. hie thee hence and never darken my door again.
#ffxiv#it's written in tokyo! we are talking about people who if they had a translation question could *walk down the hall and ask the writer*#it's not the english version's fault that you're a coward who's afraid of subtext and subtler characterization#even if it was intended as direct translation 99% of you lack the japanese fluency to appreciate any degree of nuance#and you frankly clearly can't appreciate nuance in english to begin with! so how could you know if it's conveyed correctly.#my favorite example is haurchefant. a lot of people complain about him being 'toned down' in english#which 1) he is. it's culturally necessary. if EN haurchefant talked about your sweat and offered you a 'warm bed' he'd be loathed#he'd come off as sexually aggressive towards women and as bad mlm rep. fans would DESPISE him.#different audiences have different values. he has to be written slightly differently to land in the same way he does in the original.#2) no he's really not. like sure the text of his lines gets toned down. but he's still absurdly into you. he's still a weirdo thrillseeker#there's still SHIRTLESS MEN WORKING OUT IN HIS OFFICE LOL#a lot of people complain that the english version is too aggressive or people are too mean and it's like...these are different contexts#like there's sooo many alisaie lines where people are like 'she's more of a cute tsundere in jp she's mean in english' and like.#alisaie is 100% an american tsundere in english. the localization team just knows how tsundere archetypes come off in english#which is to say straightforward tsundere shit tends to scan in english as either incredibly childish or cumbrained nonsense#and they have in turn written her with just a slightly lighter hand and more culturally intelligibly in english#she's a teenage girl who covers her sensitivity and inability to stop caring by putting on an abrasive front. that's a tsundere#alisaie is sort of an insane feat of localization. new levels of technology previously unheard of#'alisaie is like my badass wlw little sister' okay...yes. let's go with that. please ignore the ass shots in the trailers.#shitpost: i got a good feeling
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lots-o-doodles · 1 year ago
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My 2023 Tumblr Top 10
1. 6,698 notes - Jan 28 2023
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2. 6,133 notes - Jan 22 2023
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3. 3,299 notes - Jan 21 2023
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4. 1,606 notes - Mar 2 2023
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6. 1,337 notes - May 16 2023
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7. 832 notes - Feb 13 2023
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8. 795 notes - Apr 28 2023
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9. 615 notes - May 7 2023
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10. 606 notes - Jan 25 2023
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Created by TumblrTop10
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quietwingsinthesky · 11 months ago
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if i ever have to play beyond two souls again im going to kill someone someone’s life ends with me
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pyrriax · 7 months ago
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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lesbianaelwen · 1 year ago
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i Unfortunately haven't been able to be on here bc i've been so fucking busy but i Have been keeping up with d20 stuff and just. burrow's end is so good for me specifically
#as a hardcore dystopian lover (and i mean yes thg but also like speculative fiction like parable of the sower)#this is so good for me and i cant wait to see how these stoats are animal farm-ing this#i remember there was a video d20 put out before it premiered where aabria said this is basically her graduate thesis i believe?#i cant find the video now but i heard that and i just Know this is going to be great#ill try to find it again if i can when i have time but YESS lets get into the epistemological reasoning these stoats have made to justify i#plus whatevers going on w radiation?? fun times#i do heavily appreciate aabria's ability to do body horror w/o being ableist too!! you dont have to be all#“oooh this thing that Can Happen is horrifying oooh!” NO. MAKE THAT ELK SPIKY#decomposition is Right there. its not a hard bar but for some reason so many ppl become pole vaulters instead of just walking below#does that metaphor make sense? ive been writing so much you guys :( my brain is a little bit melted#this is a direct @ at a certain book btw that is talked about as 'such good body horror and sooo scary." guys it was so bad.#like heavily ableist but also just not written well. eugh :|#anyways. fun times and Heavily looking forward to the next episode. i have to go write more now ;-;#like this is from something i started last night:#''Mrs. Hutchinson's privilege blinds her to the institutional violence and dehumanization in ''The Lottery''#and thus is exploited herself for a gruesome generational ritual.''#i dont love the word exploited and ill probably change it but like. thats the level we're working at. yippee#okokok bye now
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great-and-small · 9 months ago
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My grandfather and my godfather (a beloved neighbor and dear family friend) had a long standing bet- for one dollar- about who would die first. Both of them being slightly pessimistic (in the funny way), they both insisted that they themselves would be the first to die. Any time my grandfather had a health scare, he’d gleefully call up my godfather to boast that he’d be passing “any day now” and he was sure to win the bet. It was a big family joke and they were always amiably sparring and comparing notes about who was in worse shape, medically speaking.
When my grandfather was in hospice care dying of liver cancer, my godfather was quite ill also. It took him great effort to make the journey to see his dying friend. As he came into the room, supported by a family member, he shuffled to my grandpa’s bedside and silently handed him a dollar bill. He was ceding his loss of the bet, as they both knew who was going first. My grandpa had been in quite bad shape for a while and was no longer able to speak but let me tell you he snatched that dollar with unexpected strength and literally laughed aloud. He knew exactly what the gesture meant and he couldn’t help but find the humor within the grief. It was the last time any of us heard my grandpa laugh, as he passed shortly after.
When I talk about my appreciation for “dark humor” I’m not so much thinking about edgy jokes, but rather the human instinct to somehow, impossibly, both find and appreciate the absurdity that is so often folded into the profound grief of life and death. When I tell this story I think it kind of perturbs people sometimes, but it’s honestly one of my favorite memories about two men I really deeply admired. I could never hope for anything more than for my loved ones to remember me laughing until the very end, and taking joy in a little joke as one of my final acts.
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skrunksthatwunk · 24 days ago
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damnnn that manga about making manga got me acting funny (making 5 year plans)
#feverishly outlining a self work schedule i know damn well i would never be able to maintain#literally have never been this motivated about my future and i didnt even particularly like the manga lol (tbf it's vol 1)#that and the trip to my public library are making me go ouh if i think out a rigid schedule enough then maybe#i will simply no longer get burnt out ever#look it's not the most realistic and i know that but if i let myself THINK that i won't ever make anything#as evidenced by me basically not making anything for months and months and months now#and if i have a plan maybe my parents won't be too sore about me dropping out. if i choose to drop out that is#(<- probably shouldn't drop out but man.... man..........)#and maybe having that rigidity and those concrete results will suit me better than school#which at best gives me 'number go up' and at worst gives me 'number go down'#im struggling with the scale of things but i am hand-drawing calendars and shit#and honestly im extremely lucky to be in a situation where this sort of thing is tenable at all so. why not use it?#ugh i should probably get my bachelor's though. i wanna take a gap year so bad but it wouldn't Really do me any good probably#thought too hard about college and now my motivation is just gushing out of me. fucks sake#what a wound!! i think i might hate school a little bit unfortunately#which sucks bc when im not fighting for my fucking life in there it's quite lovely very much my kinda thing etc#one way i could kinda test the schedule is by using the summer as a trial run. that way I wouldn't need to drop out#but i would still have a decent chunk of time to like.. test out my model and adjust it#(so i don't drop out and then immediately realize i Cannot do this shit at all)#but honestly i kind of think i should just. maybe drop out anyway and then get a job if this fails#easier said than done i know but again maybe something more tangible would help me#and i would appreciate some of the independence it'd give me tbqh#i really honestly don't know if i can actually like. Do art or writing. in the career sense#even disregarding money as a factor i just don't know if i could actually Make anything#whicfh is bananas bc in a literal sense i have been Making things for like 20 years#idk. i think i'll let this stew for a bit and come back (<- the kind of behavior that keeps me from making things)#(<- i mean knowing when to step back is crucial i just do it wayyyyyyy too often. anyway)
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floral-hex · 7 months ago
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real sad boy hours
#why? just ‘cause.#actually I’m here at this chess tournament my brother is entered in. sitting by myself in the lobby waiting for him to finish his last game#and I’m honest to goodness trying not to openly weep. I feel so stupid#hold on. give me a second bc just writing this makes#makes me start crying a little and there are people around#life is too short#I love this kid. I’ve loved watching him grow up. and I’m always ALWAYS aware that everything is passing so fast#will I be here with him next year? will he outgrow all of this?#we don’t hang out as much anymore. he’s got his teenage things going on. his own life.#I don’t know. I’m trying to appreciate these moments as much as I can#it’s hard though. I feel like shit. my head hurts. my tinnitus has been driving me crazy#it’s hard to be present when you’re in a fog#last night in the hotel room we didn’t even really hang out. he just played on his phone until he slept. which is totally his right.#I just… I just hope I’m really appreciating this time#ok now I feel stupid for kind of crying in this hotel while lots of people walk around#i don’t know what more I could even do now. it’s not like I’m allowed to go watch him play or I can do anything but wait#I suppose I have to keep asking myself ‘am I appreciating this enough?’ and if I’m not then try to work on that#life is really shitty right now but I know there have been countless times I wish I’d been more present#so I wake up tired today and drink coffee & 5 hour energy and still I’m tired and my head hurts but I’ve still gotta try. just a little.#in a couple of years he’ll be off to college and have his own life#and it won’t be him and I going to the movies or driving him to school or having dinner together#anyway… juuuuust sad. and lonely. straight up not having a good time#but also I’m glad I’m here if only to hang around my brother a little bit#IAN! stop! god I feel so stupid letting myself wallow like this. it’s not helping. it’s just making me sad. focusing on the negatives.#whatevs. I’ve got major depression. suck my butt. I’m allowed to be sad sometimes.#this weekend didn’t really go like I thought#I guess I expected to read more and shoot the shit with my brother and hang out more but it’s whatever. life happens.#my mental & physical health has been bad for a couple months now so I couldn’t have reasonably expected to suddenly be great just because 🤷🏻#oh well!#text
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