#let’s appreciate Bad a little more
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Ya know what’s one thing that makes me pissed off/very frustrated?
On the original island, q!Bad was constantly up in the main plot and involved in everything. He knew almost everyone’s secrets, especially in the early days of the server. He’s always called upon for almost any group mission and is considered one of the most reliable people on the server. He’s constantly taking care of the eggs and keeping them alive. Hell, he was runner up for president when elections were happening. Bad actually would have won if Forever gave his vote to Bad like he said he would rather than voting for himself (which I’m pretty sure was against the rules anyway😒). That just shows how much trust and respect the CCs have for Bad.
Both q!Bad and CC!Bad get almost zero credit from non-ghosties for any of it. Bad does all of this and instead of getting credit, he constantly is shit on and dragged through the mud by this god forsaken community. Whether it’s for a decision he made as a CC or something his character did, there’s never some section of this fan base that isn’t pissed at him for one reason or another. Just the other day, Gumi made a first time Lethal Company lobby for Bad to play in with friends he’s comfortable with. Cellbit was invited since they’re friends and apparently this pissed off some of Cellbit’s community enough for them to start harassing ghosties on Twitter (not sure if this was going around to everyone, but someone I follow on Twitter went priv cause they were being harassed and sent death threats).
Bad is also made the villain in so many different scenarios because people need someone to blame and Bad just happened to be convenient. This got infinitely worse after Purgatory (this community got significantly worse during purgatory. Somehow worse than it was during the election arc). Bad was deemed a boogie man and then “conveniently forgot everything” after the event ended, when in reality he was just doing everything in his power to save his son (JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING. HE QUITE LITERALLY DID NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE) and then ended up with radiation induced amnesias and slowly dying.
I’m so exhausted, pissed off, and frustrated of Bad and his fanbase being harassed and shit on in this community. I feel like no one besides his fanbase and the CCs appreciate any of the work he’s done and it drives me nuts.
#qsmp#qsmp badboyhalo#qsmp bbh#badboyhalo#let’s appreciate Bad a little more#I know I shouldn’t look at view count as a measure but Bad is also constantly at the bottom of the QSMP view count list#it just makes me a little sad to see that almost every day#bbh#qsmp discourse#discourse#qsmptwt neg#qsmp neg
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I would say that, considering his history, he's not that wrong, but even I have doubts as to whether that would be right. But at the end of the day, this is just a joke that's been in my head for a while, sooooo…eh.
Oh hey, an attempt at a comic? Made by me? That I didn't give up during the process or lost all motivation? What was my only attempt at this, 2019? Damn, it's been a long time.
I thought about leaving this here without editing or any colors, just the natural ones from the paper and pencil. But something in my head said "HAHAHA, no" so I went back to work. I had to put this idea down on paper this time (literally). If another year passes without me being able to execute this idea, I would lose my mind.
This scenario was inspired by this video by Jehtt, inspired by the original meme by Windii. Credits to both of them.
For a long time I wanted to joke - especially on the anniversary - that I wanted Sammy to only have less than 5 seconds in the next game (or in other words, take his screen time in DR, and shorten it even more). You know, just for the funnies (unless..?) But,thanks to the news released at the beginning of January this year about The Cage, I legally can't do this joke anymore…this year. Don't worry, after that comes out (and finally gives Sam the screen time he wants,hopefully) and we start to crawl into the Bendy 3 production era, I'll make this joke when I can.
Anyway, happy birthday Sammy Lawrence. You may not be my favorite character in this franchise, but there are some things I can actually appreciate about you. Plus, you made me laugh a few moments before (you know what I'm talking about) so there's that.
And happy 7 years to Chapter 2, and by extension, Susie, Norman, Alice, the Searchers, (Johnny????), and Beta Ink Bendy. (I would mention Jack too, but he was only introduced with the release of CH4, so technically it's not his birthday yet, but I'll consider him here).
And now? May I be able to do something for CH4's anniversary. Wish me luck,cus I'll need it.
(it might be really late now, but it's still the 18th where I live, so it's still his birthday, so I still won)
#bendy and the ink machine#batim#bendy and the dark revival#batdr#sammy lawrence#porter batdr#batdr porter#crookedsmileart#another fun fact: I thought of this comic with Wally in mind instead of Porter#Problem is I don't have any designs at the moment of Wally as his ink counterpart;and I didn't want to have to think of a design for him no#So I switched to Porter;I think it still fits#my relationship with Sammy is complicated#Sammy; as the human director of the music department? He is ok. He's not my favorite of the human cast; but I don't dislike him. He's fine#Sammy; the prophet? Eehhh. I prefer the human.#Like there are things I can actually appreciate about him.#Certain details that I find interesting. And his appearance in CH2; for what it is; it's not bad at all.#But in general? I'm not very interested in this guy (at least;this version of him) And his post-CH2 appearances don't really help his cause#I still believe they had no plan to bring Sammy back later in the story#but because of his popularity they decided “yep;let's bring him back”; problem is: I don't think they knew what to do with him after CH2#and one might argue that they still don't know#Hopefully;The Cage will finally give Sammy the screen time he so desperately needs.#and maybe; then; I can finally start to like him a little more (okay; let's not go that far now)#Maybe his deaths in the franchise aren't his happiest moments; but they were definitely mine#HAHAHAHAAHHA (/j.....unless)
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Hello birdie 🖤✨
I've got something for the Life Interrupted AU.
Thena isn't feeling well lately and is considering to go back into this hellhole where she's getting drugged to unconsciousness. She's packing her stuff when Gil shows up. He's trying to talk it out of her.
(And I definitely didn't had this Idea because I'm stuck in one of those hellholes, lol)
✨🖤Hugs an Love🖤✨
"Going somewhere?"
Thena sighed, setting down one of her shirts and staring down at her bed. "I was thinking about it."
Gil walked further into her room, having just arrived. "Druig texted me. Really surprised me to hear from him, but he said you've been acting weird--wants me to 'talk to some sense into you'."
Thena let out a humourless chuckle. "I'm surprised he decided to entrust you with that task."
"Gotta say, I am too," Gil agreed quietly until he was standing behind her. "I have to agree--you seem a little anxious lately."
She had been nervous, jumpy, and Gil knew it. They hadn't been able to go out on a date in weeks because she felt on the verge of a panic attack at the thought of having to navigate crowds or risk running into someone. "Maybe...maybe I should consider-"
"Don't," he whispered, placing his hand gently over hers. Her bag was already half full. "Don't say you're going back to that place."
Thena squeezed her eyes shut, tears already burning the insides of them. "Where should I go, Gil?"
"Anywhere else," he concluded. He pulled her hand away from packing up as if she were sailing off into the horizon. He moved slowly and gently until he could sit on the chair in the corner of her room and look up at her. "Please, Thena, just talk to me."
When he was seated lower, she had no excuse not to look at him. But she stared down at his hands, holding hers so, so gently. "Druig and Makkari have been looking at places again."
Gil raised his brows. "That...that's good...right?"
It was. It was what she wanted. She wanted their lives to continue on after the ugliness of the last year. She wanted her brother to feel free to settle down and marry the love of his life. And he could do that without worrying about his sister, she was determined.
"He keeps asking me to see them," she admitted quietly, as if Druig had his ear pressed against the door and would be wounded by overhearing her. "He keeps picking rooms that he says can be mine--if I so choose."
"So," Gil prompted, giving her hands a little squeeze, "what's so bad about that?"
Thena shook her head, looking up around the ceiling of her room to keep her tears from falling. "I'm not some child he has to drag around with him. He should be choosing a home to suit him and his wife, not worrying about his burdensome sister."
"Come on," Gil whispered, his eyes drifting downward from the sheer weight of Thena's discouragement. "You know he doesn't think of you like that."
Thena sighed, pulling her hands from Gil's and plopping herself on the corner of her bed. She pressed them to her head, trying to keep them from shaking. "I know he doesn't. That is exactly the problem."
"Okay, so you don't want him worrying about you," Gil shrugged, turning in the chair to face her head on again.
Thena stared down at her knees. She wasn't wearing her work dress and stockings with a tight ponytail. But she couldn't bring herself to wear soft sweatpants anymore, opting for athleisure leggings and a cardigan at even her most comfortable.
"What else?"
She toyed with her fingernails. "I don't want to live here alone."
Gil nodded again, leaning back in the chair.
She hunched over herself more, despite her sore back. "It's not about the cost, it's...I can't be here by myself, thinking all these...things."
"Okay, so we'll find somewhere else for you," Gil leapt at the opportunity to suggest an alternative. He leaned forward again, even scooching toward the edge of the seat. "I'll help you look."
She smiled, although she still wasn't feeling the intent behind the action. "Druig offered the same. Even Makkari--but that's not the point."
Gil seemed to understand what she was getting at. And of course he did, it was Gil. He was sweet, and understanding, and he always seemed to know what she was trying to say, even if she didn't have the words. "You want to find a place for yourself."
She sighed, looking at her hands again. "I don't seem capable of anything these days."
Gil took her hands in his again, rubbing his thumb over her skin. "You know that's not true."
She wasn't as sure as he was. She never was--never had his confidence, or positivity. It was something she both envied and admired about him. She loved it about him. "Maybe-"
"No!"
She blinked, taken aback by his outburst. He was always so soft spoken, especially with her. She had never heard him so much as raise his voice. The only things he did loudly were laughing and sneezing.
"Maybe nothing!" he pressed, standing from the chair. "That place never did you any good. I don't think it does anyone any good! And I will not let you go back to that misery!"
Thena's eyes fluttered, her back straightening. Her heart began to squeeze at the sheer volume of things, but this was Gil--she was safe with him.
"Thena," he finally quieted again, kneeling in front of her. "You never have to go back to that place, okay? I don't care if you have a nervous breakdown--I'll take care of you. I'll take better care of you than they ever would in there. Just--just promise me you won't go back there because you're worried about burdening people."
She blinked, those tears she was trying to hold back finally falling. It was completely dark outside, her small bedside lamp offering minimal lighting. But it caught Gil's features in just such a way that made him seem so beautiful. "I don't want to go back there."
"Good," he nodded, turning her hand so he could press his lips to it.
"But," she gasped, her lip wobbling. She clung to him. "But what if I'm not me, anymore?"
"You're exactly who you need to be," he said without a hint of doubt in his voice. "You're Thena."
So completely unwavering, her Gilgamesh.
"You're my Thena," he repeated, softer this time, kissing the back of her other hand before pulling her up to stand with him. His hands slipped around waist to rest at her back. "That's all you need to be."
She wasn't sure who 'Thena' was, at times. At least, not as she knew herself before all this. Gil kept saying that the past year was a part of her, for better or worse. But she just wanted to leave it behind--to revert to the version of her that had existed before it all.
"Look," he whispered, still holding her so gently. "Maybe that's easy for me to say. I didn't know you before. But the Thena I know is pretty damn amazing."
She let another laugh, still not humoured in the least.
"She is," he chuckled, though, and he did mean it. He leaned closer, touching his forehead to hers. "She's this badass translator, works in a big, fancy office. She's actually pretty funny, if she's in a good mood. Kinda likes messing with me."
"I do not."
"Just a little," he contested, scrunching up his nose faintly. "But I think that side of her is cute. And she's tough--way tougher than she thinks she is. And she's an incredible sister, even when her brother is being a pain in our ass."
"Our?" she interrupted.
"Our," he confirmed, touching the tips of their noses together to silence her. "And I know he's just worried about you. That's why he keeps saying you can stay with them if you want. But I guess he doesn't really know it's stressing you out."
Thena sighed, dragged back into the depths of her problems like plunging into ice cold water. "How do I tell him?"
Gil skipped over that question, still busy holding her, almost swaying as his weight shifted from foot to foot. "So, this Thena--I mean, to me, she's the most incredible woman in the world."
"Gil," she sighed, trying to pull him from his reverent description of her.
But he nudged her head until he could kiss her lips, also gently. As gently as everything else about him. "She's the woman I love, plain and simple."
Oh, did she ever love him. She had gone from being someone who probably didn't really believe in love for herself at all to being head over heels for her sweet, gentle giant.
She sighed as she kissed him again, leaning up on her toes to loop her arms around his neck. Kissing Gil always made her feel more human--more grounded and real. It took away the buzzing in her head and replaced it with with a heavy and pleasant sedative that could spread through her veins.
Gil stayed close, his forehead against hers, lips still faintly puckered. "Better?"
"Hm," she sighed. She didn't need to explain herself--not to him. She ran her fingers gently through the hair at the back of his head. If only she never had to go to work, or take public transport, or go to house viewings where the realtor would look at her oddly. If only she could stay in Gil's arms every second of every day.
"Good," he sufficed to say, tapping his fingers against the back of her sweater. He moved his hand to her hip. "So, about this living situation-"
"Right," she sighed the heaviest she had yet (which was saying something).
"Hey," he nudged her gently, pulling her eyes up to him. "A unit in my building is going on the market for next month. It's the one above mine--sweet old guy is moving out to be closer to his grand kids."
Oh. Living that close to Gil--being neighbours?
"I can always ask him if he'd be open to a lease trade-off," Gil suggested, although he was unable to hide his excitement at the prospect in his smile. "What do you think?"
Being that close to Gil? Being his upstairs neighbour?
His smile wobbled faintly, turning sheepish as he looked away. "It's a little more modest than this place. But it's a one bedroom, and it's not a bad location. And-"
Thena stood on her toes, pressing her lips to his, even with a cliche 'mmwah' sound. He looked dazed after the firmer kiss, which made her smile genuinely for the first time that night. She leaned against him heavier, but he steadied her without a second thought. "I think that sounds perfect."
"Really?" he asked, beaming like a dog about to receive a treat with a wagging tail.
She took his cheeks in her hands, "it sounds wonderful, Gil."
"O-Okay," he laughed, sounding near hysteria. But he pulled her against his chest in his arms, even lifting her off the ground slightly as he spun them. "This'll be amazing, sweetie, I promise!"
He needed no promises. The thought of having him a mere flight of stairs away was already comforting, in a sense. And she had been to his flat plenty of times. He was right, it was in a good location, and it wasn't any further from her office than she was now, all things considered.
Gil set her on her feet once more. "I'll talk to him tonight."
"Don't get too ahead of yourself," she advised gently. It wasn't often she was able to offer a calming voice of reason these days; it felt familiar, even soothing. She toyed with some some stray hairs of his. "I may have to apply, like everyone else."
"Peh," Gil waved in dismissal again (making her laugh, again). "The old guy loves me. And that's before I tell him some sob story about wanting my girlfriend to move in so we can be closer."
Thena blushed softly, toying with the hem of her cardigan. Sometimes she had to remind herself that Gil wasn't just 'someone she was seeing', and actually the man she had known for more than half a year and had been dating for more than half that time, now.
"It'll be great," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "We can carpool to work, I'll be right downstairs if you ever wanna talk--or cuddle."
"Gil," she admonished, but it came out as a light and air whisper as he kissed her cheek again, his five o'clock shadow against her skin.
He stopped nuzzling her just to look at her more solemnly. "You should tell Druig."
"It was your idea."
"Exactly," Gil made a face, shrinking somewhat. "He'll kill me."
Thena rolled her eyes, her spirits lifting by the moment. "It's not as if you're offering to shack up with me yourself."
He didn't laugh at her joke. He didn't even seem to realise it was a joke, just shrugged one shoulder. "I mean they're both only one bedroom units. Plus, I imagine you want some space for yourself for a little. Feel like you have some more control?"
Well, he was exactly right about that, as always. Although she hadn't expected his rebuttal to be that they would need a larger space if they were to live together. She just blinked, "precisely."
"So it's decided," he grinned again, and gave her another kiss for good measure. "I'll go talk to Karun, you talk to Druig. He really is worried about you."
"I know," she mumbled, feeling properly chastised. She unlinked her hands from behind his head and squeezed his forearms. "I'm sure he was desperate to call you."
"And I'm suggesting you move into my building instead of in with him?--he's gonna have my head."
Thena laughed genuinely for the first time that night. "Don't worry, I'll protect you from him."
Gil stared at her in a way that made her toes curl. He bent his head down to sneak into the crook of her neck under her jaw. "I know you will."
She shivered as he left a kiss on her pulse point.
But he left it at that, pulling away and standing to his full height again. It left her feeling chilly, needing to pull her cardigan tighter around herself. "Okay."
Thena nodded, letting him take her by the hand. She did have to talk to Druig--about everything. About moving and also about how she would be okay without him hovering over her shoulder. She would be okay without that hell hole and its medication and she would be okay even if she felt like this different version of herself, possibly forever.
Gil grasped the doorknob with his other hand, the door not fully closed and letting in just a sliver of light from the rest of the house. He held her other hand, giving it a squeeze. "Ready?"
She nodded, holding his hand tighter, just in case she needed it. But she smiled, "ready."
#Thenamesh Life Interrupted AU#I love this au!#and we love you Love!#Thena is feeling worse and worse about Druig moving out before proposing#he's all stressed about her staying with them#but stressed because she doesn't want him to stress#it's a lot going on#so Thena gets more withdrawn thinking about all this#and eventually Druig does the unthinkable#he texts his sister's boyfriend and tells him to get his ass down here and talk to her#they come out of her room#They're holding hands and Thena looks oh so besotted#Druig sits up from the couch holding Makkari like I already don't like this#Thena tells Druig listen she appreciates his concern and she'll come and visit all the time#but she's going to move into Gil's place#and Druig loses his everloving mind#he blows up about how it's too soon and they barely know each other and he doesn't trust Gil enough to let them shack up#and Thena lets him get it all out of his system before finishing saying: Gil's apartment........complex#Makkari: lol#Druig totally loses his steam and just goes oh...well I guess that's not so bad#because Thena knows how to break bad news to her little brother#Druig is still a little wary of it and he still tells Gil that if he ever thinks Thena is upset because of him#he's got a whole lot of hell comin' his way#but he's also a good brother and tells her he'll help her move and he's not going anywhere until she's settled#they haven't settled on a house yet anyway and he won't actually leave until Thena is settled#if she called and said I don't like it here Druig is like okay we're living in the townhouse forever#meanwhile Thena actually wants him to leave the nest so she and Gil can be cutesy flirty neighbours and carpool and have sleepovers
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(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this
#Shrouded In A Rectangle neither sleeves nor an open front to be besieged with? yes#just doing whatever else like doesn't matter. tee cargo shorts which is my best guess rn of my ideal outfit. + sandals Absolutely#unfortunately my hair could never do that. somehow neither am i yet like forties fifties? have i not been at this for eons?#i Can be like uh let's just nobody talk to me i'm busy pensively perceiving truths that you don't ever actually wanna hear about#just the other day it was like hey....a [way Having To Talk could be a difficulty / problem] was under my nose in this lifelong pattern#certainly noticing the Verbal Exchange Demand heaped upon burnout as like [delay delay delay struggle weariness stress]#but also who knows like spent plenty of time just probably indeed Not having to have such exchanges while burned out. not noting them#anyway like this isn't even [dysphoric Ideal Outfit until i could [whatever supposed even more ideal than that gender euphoria]]#though shoutout to that but like nah get shrouded anyway. the only [how do i look] im motivated to consider is: when it's a costume#when it's just me it's like. i guess whatever pants and a comfortable enough tee. need glasses. hair's w/e so cut quite short ig#might accessorize w/things that are fun to me like hey yeah yknow i might want a calculator watch#[yea as a kid it was like :( im actively appreciating the animals supposedly Gross or Bad] if i had hated little friends Sure yaay#if i had disorienting light effects like a pelagic creature. but you don't even need that. like hey i'm nd in real life. i got it#chat i'm in the walls too bestie lmao. if only my bigfoot pose reference Step was this good#tl;dr long rephrasing of my being like; now the gender slay....#& nodding & Noting when [worksheet exercise: what's your gender euphoria look?] is like shrug idk. but this is serving maximally to me; so#going Chat how can i up my uncanny stats. looking up ''isn't it like Uncanny knowledge e.g. so like why not....canny''#but i think the un canny is the Uncanniness Accuser's perspective. not of My ken. your literal weird one maybe#so again apt to be like jk i'm just autistic & shit; i got it....horror shit challenge impossible: Don't have sm typical mundane#[disability moment] as like Unsettling danger/malice cues. challenge impossible; again#subverted here like as [horror holding hands touching foreheads w/comedy] w/o Rescinding just casual disabled behavior/qualities#just remembered like three witches weird sisters etc macbeth. weird uncanny soothsaying gendering. word#anyway i should be shrouded (made no any connection whenever i put the blanket now over my head & shoulders in place min ago)#perhaps the real Ideal Look insight: i do not have any way i wish to be observed by people. secret passages / removed room anytime
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me: oh wow an ffxiv theory/meta post! i love these even when i don't agree with them. i wonder if this person will highlight an underdiscussed aspect of the setting, or reframe someone's characterization interestingly the post: "in the original japanese--" me: unsubscribed. blocked. reported. hie thee hence and never darken my door again.
#ffxiv#it's written in tokyo! we are talking about people who if they had a translation question could *walk down the hall and ask the writer*#it's not the english version's fault that you're a coward who's afraid of subtext and subtler characterization#even if it was intended as direct translation 99% of you lack the japanese fluency to appreciate any degree of nuance#and you frankly clearly can't appreciate nuance in english to begin with! so how could you know if it's conveyed correctly.#my favorite example is haurchefant. a lot of people complain about him being 'toned down' in english#which 1) he is. it's culturally necessary. if EN haurchefant talked about your sweat and offered you a 'warm bed' he'd be loathed#he'd come off as sexually aggressive towards women and as bad mlm rep. fans would DESPISE him.#different audiences have different values. he has to be written slightly differently to land in the same way he does in the original.#2) no he's really not. like sure the text of his lines gets toned down. but he's still absurdly into you. he's still a weirdo thrillseeker#there's still SHIRTLESS MEN WORKING OUT IN HIS OFFICE LOL#a lot of people complain that the english version is too aggressive or people are too mean and it's like...these are different contexts#like there's sooo many alisaie lines where people are like 'she's more of a cute tsundere in jp she's mean in english' and like.#alisaie is 100% an american tsundere in english. the localization team just knows how tsundere archetypes come off in english#which is to say straightforward tsundere shit tends to scan in english as either incredibly childish or cumbrained nonsense#and they have in turn written her with just a slightly lighter hand and more culturally intelligibly in english#she's a teenage girl who covers her sensitivity and inability to stop caring by putting on an abrasive front. that's a tsundere#alisaie is sort of an insane feat of localization. new levels of technology previously unheard of#'alisaie is like my badass wlw little sister' okay...yes. let's go with that. please ignore the ass shots in the trailers.#shitpost: i got a good feeling
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My 2023 Tumblr Top 10
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10. 606 notes - Jan 25 2023
Created by TumblrTop10
#tumblrtop10#long post#sorry#this year was a really difficult one not going to lie#and I struggle with feeling happy with how my art looks#but I am so so appreciative of everyone's support it genuinely means the world to me#here's hoping my bad brain lets off a little bit more in 2024 and I can make some more art#thank you so so much#myart
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if i ever have to play beyond two souls again im going to kill someone someone’s life ends with me
#the thing about achivement hunting is that it will either prove to you how much you love a game. or make you hate it forever.#like. assassin’s creed origins? i have a platinum in that and i never want to touch it again it was so boring and bad and by the end i was#in pain trying to finish it#mass effect trilogy? i had to beat all three games on insanity and it made me feel cool as fuck when i did. the little bit of grinding in#me1 at the end for power trophies was worth that sense of accomplishment. they’re damn good games.#beyond two souls? i have had to replay black sun. 11 times. at least. trying to see all the fucking endings. because my game wont register#that i have despite having seen all of them. I MIGHT HAVE TO REPLAY IT AGAIN. I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME. I WANT TO BE FREE.#no one is makingnme do this i just like number go up#but if i ever met david cage ill kill him with chainsaws#im so sorry elliot page but i dont want to see your face again for like a year im so tired#like this experience Has let me appreciate some parts of the story that i think were genuinely good ans critique other bits in new ways.#but then i had to experience both of those things like 4 more times in a row. and i want to scream
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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i was thinking about how it took me a while to figure out i'm aegosexual (which basically means that there's a disconnect between yourself and being the subject of attraction) and i thought about how much i really dislike and just cannot see myself in slash reader fics. i tend to dislike these fics for multiple reasons, but some of them include that the reader self insert is usually really boring, has no personality outside of being lovey dovey and isn't unhinged enough for certain characters for reasons outside of contrasting personalities for my tastes (like spamton for example, why are you writing a normal protagonist to pair with fuckin spamton of all characters). but another reason is that i literally cannot connect myself to the reader self insert. like i cannot imagine myself in their place at all, it's always another stand-in that i imagine instead and thinking about myself in their place makes me uncomfortable. i can't see myself in their place because i don't see myself as a subject of attraction, and i'm repulsed to that idea. so i imagine someone else instead because that's better to me. and also because of the aforementioned reasons that have more to do with the writing of the self insert, i just cannot imagine myself acting the way the self insert does because I Personally Would Not Fucking Do That™. like i would not be romantically kissing a guy on a date, i would be infodumping about my special interests for 3 hours and then start ranting about how funny cars are while he just smiles and nods lmao
this is why i've never really self-shipped with any character. like i can be attracted to them and be like "i wanna hold his hand/kiss him/do inexplicable things to his psyche", but in reality i could never actually see myself as a subject of attraction by this character, so i'd either ship them with another character i like or imagine a sort of stand-in that has some of my traits and lives out my fantasies but still isn't me. i can fall in love but i can never connect because ew that's gross and weird. watching from the sidelines by reading fics and looking at fanart about characters being shipped with others and being intimate with each other is more my cup of tea.
#aegosexual#also i'm not like. sad about this or anything#maybe i'm a little disappointed that i probably won't experience some things but i'm not like. crying about it.#i literally don't care about it and i think i actually prefer it this way#being seen as something arousing is fucking disgusting and weird in a bad way to me and i don't think i should ignore how i feel just to-#-experience something i won't enjoy.#i just want to watch my little fictional men hold each other and kick my legs like an excited schoolboy about it in peace#also unpopular opinion but slash reader fics SUUUUUUCK and i'd rather read something else instead#now let's sit back and watch literally everyone get mad at that opinion lmao#i'm kidding i'm kidding you're obviously free to enjoy slash reader fics#i just find them to be completely unrelatable and i feel like throwing a self insert into the mix kinda ruins the whole dynamic for me#like i just personally find the idea of meddling in that character's life and being their hubby to be very unattractive#especially when the self insert is so barebones that there's no chemistry#we need more slash reader fics that are just an expression of how much the reader admires the character and nothing more i think#idk maybe i just haven't read enough slash reader fics to appreciate them as their own thing disconnected from me but i really just kinda-#-don't like them because the ones i've read were mostly kinda boring..... sorrgy#i always preferred projection anyway#although i do like dating sims. of course i don't attach myself to the MC but i do like them more than reader fics. i wonder why that is.#probably because the MC tends to have more character traits i guess? so then i can just consider them to be a different person-#-and i'm just pressing buttons for them#it's more free and directional i guess
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i Unfortunately haven't been able to be on here bc i've been so fucking busy but i Have been keeping up with d20 stuff and just. burrow's end is so good for me specifically
#as a hardcore dystopian lover (and i mean yes thg but also like speculative fiction like parable of the sower)#this is so good for me and i cant wait to see how these stoats are animal farm-ing this#i remember there was a video d20 put out before it premiered where aabria said this is basically her graduate thesis i believe?#i cant find the video now but i heard that and i just Know this is going to be great#ill try to find it again if i can when i have time but YESS lets get into the epistemological reasoning these stoats have made to justify i#plus whatevers going on w radiation?? fun times#i do heavily appreciate aabria's ability to do body horror w/o being ableist too!! you dont have to be all#“oooh this thing that Can Happen is horrifying oooh!” NO. MAKE THAT ELK SPIKY#decomposition is Right there. its not a hard bar but for some reason so many ppl become pole vaulters instead of just walking below#does that metaphor make sense? ive been writing so much you guys :( my brain is a little bit melted#this is a direct @ at a certain book btw that is talked about as 'such good body horror and sooo scary." guys it was so bad.#like heavily ableist but also just not written well. eugh :|#anyways. fun times and Heavily looking forward to the next episode. i have to go write more now ;-;#like this is from something i started last night:#''Mrs. Hutchinson's privilege blinds her to the institutional violence and dehumanization in ''The Lottery''#and thus is exploited herself for a gruesome generational ritual.''#i dont love the word exploited and ill probably change it but like. thats the level we're working at. yippee#okokok bye now
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In desperate need of a human heating pad
#I haven’t had a period in 3 months#(no not pregnant just bad about birth control and staying on it for more than 2 months at a time)#and I’m finally getting cramps and tbh I think I’m dying a little#but I’m so relieved to actually be showing symptoms of a period tbh#anyways#if Bakugou dabi or kiri could come let me use them to keep heated it woudl be so appreciated#I know all those men run really hot
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i've always had a thing where i'll get really excited about something and i tend to ramble about it and nine times out of ten, i'll get told to shut up or i'll be made to feel bad about enjoying smth sm (like for example i dont talk about the umbrella academy to anyone at all anymore even though it's my favourite show bc people always make me feel bad for talking about it so much or they give passive one word answers that make it obvious they just want me to shut up or they'll respond by pointing out flaws in it or things they don't like abt it or reasons i should feel bad for enjoying it etc. the list is endless and many many people have done this to me) so i just.... don't talk about stuff that much anymore (unless it's stranger things ofc bc you're all in this boat with me)
anyway, my point is... this has always stopped me from commenting on fics (it's stupid, i know) but i always felt like getting excited and ranting in a comment about how much i love the thing is like ???? nah they don't wanna hear what i think, i'm gonna shut up. but the last few days i've commented on three different fics and i've pushed past this weird barrier that's been in the way and it feels ???? so NICE to say nice shit to people and to appreciate their work idk
#i feel kinda stupid for letting it stop me from showing appreciation for people's work but...#gonna start commenting on fics more bc people deserve it xo#anyway this was a pointless little braindump i just needed to say it#so anyway yeah... moral of the story#1. DO comment on people's fics bc that is the one place people won't make you feel bad abt being excited (bc they wanna hear it too)#and 2. if someone gets excited about something they love dont shit all over it bc it has a knock on effect#holly.txt
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I’ll be talking about the last post I reblogged in the tags of this post for the sake of the person I reblogged it from
#mud rambles#quick lil backstory for why. I follow him but he no longer follows me so I can have my privacy bc his partners are people ive cut off#he and i have how we interact figured out explicitly he's still my friend i care for him deeply what happened between his partners and i#didnt have anything to do with him. i let him know what happened. theyre not horrible ppl just bad friends to me#anyway#SO fucking ironic to see that on my dash from them specifically because his fucking girlfriend (my ex friend who was my roommate) would#CONSTANTLY compare me to her abusive father for! no goddamn reason!#it wasn't necessarily 1 to 1 comparison but she would bring him up OUT OF NOWHERE for example one time i was literally just listening to#metallica (fuck metallica but they were MY dad's fav band so i listen to them bc of nostalgia) and she just! was like#'you listen to dad bands. my dad likes metallica' o...kay???#and that wasnt the worst one. she would just. unprompted compare me to her dad. usually like that over things i liked but she once like.#vagued me to my face about how ~crazy and paranoid~ her dad is#NOT EVEN ONCE she brought up how paranoid he was A LOT and like. at the time i was trying to be a little more open abt my paranoia w her an#my ex best friend (her other partner) so like. idk. whether it was a vague at me or not i did not appreciate it#even MY partner brought up multiple times how it was fucking weird and she was lowkey comparing me to her fucking dad#KEEP IN MIND BTW I PERSONALLY moved her out of her home state and away from her dad to room with me and my partner#i dont remember a lot of the examples bc i want to block that shit out but. what the fuck woman#anyway i needed to talk abt this but like i said i dont wanna be vagueing my friends gf in the tags of a post i reblogged from him lmao#i can talk abt it on my own blog not there#and mandatory disclaimer please do not try to figure out who the people ive cut off are and also please leave them and their bf alone#like i said he's still my friend and i care about him#i just feel the need to say that bc. i trust the people who follow me to not go and do that but. just genuinely need to clear the air#i cut them off for a reason. i dont want any kind of contact with them even indirectly. and i dont want people harassing my friend#i specifically went out of my way when that shit went down to make sure he and i were still cool so dont fuck this up for me thanx!
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My grandfather and my godfather (a beloved neighbor and dear family friend) had a long standing bet- for one dollar- about who would die first. Both of them being slightly pessimistic (in the funny way), they both insisted that they themselves would be the first to die. Any time my grandfather had a health scare, he’d gleefully call up my godfather to boast that he’d be passing “any day now” and he was sure to win the bet. It was a big family joke and they were always amiably sparring and comparing notes about who was in worse shape, medically speaking.
When my grandfather was in hospice care dying of liver cancer, my godfather was quite ill also. It took him great effort to make the journey to see his dying friend. As he came into the room, supported by a family member, he shuffled to my grandpa’s bedside and silently handed him a dollar bill. He was ceding his loss of the bet, as they both knew who was going first. My grandpa had been in quite bad shape for a while and was no longer able to speak but let me tell you he snatched that dollar with unexpected strength and literally laughed aloud. He knew exactly what the gesture meant and he couldn’t help but find the humor within the grief. It was the last time any of us heard my grandpa laugh, as he passed shortly after.
When I talk about my appreciation for “dark humor” I’m not so much thinking about edgy jokes, but rather the human instinct to somehow, impossibly, both find and appreciate the absurdity that is so often folded into the profound grief of life and death. When I tell this story I think it kind of perturbs people sometimes, but it’s honestly one of my favorite memories about two men I really deeply admired. I could never hope for anything more than for my loved ones to remember me laughing until the very end, and taking joy in a little joke as one of my final acts.
#I think almost anyone in medicine will understand this#to absent friends!#gallows humor is a very human way to cope#death#grief#dark humor#illness
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real sad boy hours
#why? just ‘cause.#actually I’m here at this chess tournament my brother is entered in. sitting by myself in the lobby waiting for him to finish his last game#and I’m honest to goodness trying not to openly weep. I feel so stupid#hold on. give me a second bc just writing this makes#makes me start crying a little and there are people around#life is too short#I love this kid. I’ve loved watching him grow up. and I’m always ALWAYS aware that everything is passing so fast#will I be here with him next year? will he outgrow all of this?#we don’t hang out as much anymore. he’s got his teenage things going on. his own life.#I don’t know. I’m trying to appreciate these moments as much as I can#it’s hard though. I feel like shit. my head hurts. my tinnitus has been driving me crazy#it’s hard to be present when you’re in a fog#last night in the hotel room we didn’t even really hang out. he just played on his phone until he slept. which is totally his right.#I just… I just hope I’m really appreciating this time#ok now I feel stupid for kind of crying in this hotel while lots of people walk around#i don’t know what more I could even do now. it’s not like I’m allowed to go watch him play or I can do anything but wait#I suppose I have to keep asking myself ‘am I appreciating this enough?’ and if I’m not then try to work on that#life is really shitty right now but I know there have been countless times I wish I’d been more present#so I wake up tired today and drink coffee & 5 hour energy and still I’m tired and my head hurts but I’ve still gotta try. just a little.#in a couple of years he’ll be off to college and have his own life#and it won’t be him and I going to the movies or driving him to school or having dinner together#anyway… juuuuust sad. and lonely. straight up not having a good time#but also I’m glad I’m here if only to hang around my brother a little bit#IAN! stop! god I feel so stupid letting myself wallow like this. it’s not helping. it’s just making me sad. focusing on the negatives.#whatevs. I’ve got major depression. suck my butt. I’m allowed to be sad sometimes.#this weekend didn’t really go like I thought#I guess I expected to read more and shoot the shit with my brother and hang out more but it’s whatever. life happens.#my mental & physical health has been bad for a couple months now so I couldn’t have reasonably expected to suddenly be great just because 🤷🏻#oh well!#text
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Also on mob psycho I am just so happy and sad and all the feelings for mob. My god that boy is going through it. Only just started season three but man. He has got a quite amazing support system but also so many people using him and I can only imagine this going poorly.... as much as reigen may actually care for mob now like hes the luckiest man alive to both be alive and also still have mob's trust. Mob and emotions and fridndship and ahhhhh. The "get a clue" scene just. Oh man. I wish I was more articulate but I just started watching it today soo. Just excitement
#imagine my surprise when reigen is like. actually literally kinda pathetic and not just in the uwu affectionate way like a little pitiful#man what are you doing#like its working somehow but also kind of sad#also simultaneously less of a douche than I'd expected too? though thats those moral lessons he gave mob doing a lot of heavy lifting#was also surprised to find out serizawa's entire character. I thought he was like normie with esp that came into their life somehow#cool to finally get to know him though#I have to say I appreciate the way girls are depicted in this theyre just such. normal people? in a way I didnt even realize I was missing#ofc still taking more of a backseat/ side character designation but they get to be weird and human about it#and also ofc with the exception of tsubomi but that is a special case and even with mob's perception of her we still get to see#her far from perfect personality#and its pretty blatant to see it is him that idealizes her and not the narrative itself#of course hearts forevrr for autism coding and heartwrenching/hearwarming depictions. lovely beautiful#rounded#adoring seeing mob grow and learn to be more of his own person#learning to not let people walk all over him as much and value the good things in his life#but also keeping his morals in the process#becoming assertive does not mean becoming unnecessarily cruel <33#at times I was like “this is like steven universe if it was good” but like that show wasnt that bad.#i do like the way they conbey concepts and messages better in mp100 I think though#idk essay in the tags for my entire audience of 2 mutuals <3
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