#let me have a shower to sit on this
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wait ik i said college au vfv but ballet company/academy au..
#let me have a shower to sit on this#i might be cooking maybe i will whip out some hcs#as a dancer this is close 2 my heart and very self indulgent#im thinking male principal dancer louis... renee on a scholarship... alexandre being a talented teacher#cant dance anymore because of injury#but was on track to being one of the greats#maria theresa transferred over to the paris opera but plot is#she gets injured so louise was a shoein to be louis' leading lady until renee appears#philippe in his brothers shadow always. the thing with louis is that his technique is crazy but philippe just Gets artistry#WAIT ... OK GIMME A SEC
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Anyway this is what I mean by I want to see Adam and Jesus talk
#graphic design is my passion#listen while I'm super excited to hopefully maybe see angels & demons in the GO universe actually form an identity that isn't just not#their adversary and start taking actions based on something other than a game of spiritual Telephone#the symmetry of human raised Antichrist averting the first Apocalypse with humans and the Human raised (and killed sure) son of God (possib#le part of the Trinity?) help avert the second one#I mean I'm curious how we're gonna get all of them vs all of us with Jesus so. 🤷♂️#anyway. I literally could not sleep without expelling this awful thing#I have leave in in my hair bc I left my shower to let it sit when I realized I was not gonna stop itching to do this nonsense#do not @ me#I only use MS paint and meme generator and I did my best#cmo's log#I guess#also I fought for my life to get transparent Jesus and I am could not get the freeform crop on paint to work not to mention my hands are#so unsteady they evoke the concern of strangers#I might regret this in the morning#and by mornign I mean presumably like 3p tomorrow when I wake up#I untagged this bc it should never see the light of day#ok actually just execute me#good omens
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#jesus christ my new job has had me working literally every day all closing shifts so i dont get home until after dark#which like. TERRIBLE for the social life and ability to do anything else. but also. the paychecks are looking very sexy. alas.#god im so fucking tired though#and the job itself isnt bad and neither are my coworkers. theyve all been so sweet to me and are very patient with me learning the fucking#1930s-esque system they have going on. im enjoying myself i just also wish i wasnt scheduled so damn much#and i wish my brain would let me finish whats left of my responsibilities. the way my anxiety has SKYROCKETED lately and i#cant do a single fucking thing about it bc my brain just says. no <3#ill get it all done. i know i will. i just need to. idk. sit down and suck it up a bit#okay i need to shower and eat and also my feet hurt a lot so i need to mope about that too#KISSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#personal
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Since I really enjoyed doing BraMex what do u guys want for me to now? My OTP still is BrArg but it’s so much fun diving into other dynamics and damn we desperately need more latam related content in this fandom
#hetalia#latin hetalia#hws brazil#lh brazil#hws portugal#aph portugal#aph brazil#hws spain#hws argentina#hws venezuela#like we ColoBra shower lover couple#we also have the other hyper passionate star crosse love story in South America VeneBra#there’s also angsty to the core family tragedy BraGuay cousin destroying the other cs she cannot let anyone stand in her way to glory#we could always have BraUru and finally getting ro break free from toxic patterns and learning to let go#BraChile EcuaBra in the sense the enemy of my enemy is my friend#or BraPeru and why you can’t sit still for 5 seconds oh wait you’re also a sly cunning political oriented asshole?#don’t get me started in CubaBra with damn you’re the first person dad allows me to see outside smelly cousins and you’re a dream come true#UsBra getting toxic all the way to hell an beyond ✨I know u want to be me and I also need you for my own selfish interests
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hnghhhhhh
#vent#why can’t i keep up with anything#why is my executive dysfunction kicking in THIS fucking badly#i was fine last week and this week i just. can’t#i haven’t showered in two days bc my body refuses to let me get up to do so#i haven’t washed my sheets even though i know i need to bc i haven’t had time and guess what! my body hates me anyway!#i’m a week behind in all my classes and i have an entire essay due that i know i can do but i can’t make myself work on#i want to work and i want to catch up but any time i get back to my dorm i just sit here and do absolutely nothing#it’s not even rotting bc at least then i might be comfortable#im going to my classes but that’s about the extent of it. i feel like im half asleep and more focused on looking awake than processing#i just. i dont know#ive never really had seasonal depression but maybe this is that. who knows#reese’s pieces
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oh
#I’ve had the worst morning at work and feel really overwhelmed and burnt out etc etc#and as soon as I pulled into my driveway I burst into tears and after a few minutes I’m like ok let’s go inside have a shower and eat!#like we can turn this day around!#but i look up and my neighbour’s dog is sitting by my gate with her ball and it felt like my own lil guardian angel#and then I’m playing with her on the front grass and then my neighbour comes out and makes me laugh and yeah#the day is turning AROUND
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#you know. i never really liked the sound of rain or how it looks outside when it storms#but i moved into my apartment yesterday and last night while I was unpacking it was raining pretty bad#and I think theres something poetic about me stopping the video I was watching and sitting on my bed to listen to the rain for a while#i have a lot of good things in my life right now. im not used to having good things. im not used to letting myself have good things#its a process we're slowly learning. but im glad to be here. and im looking around my bedroom still processing that this is mine#i turn 26 later this month and my birthday is always a rough time for me bc I get older but I would always feel stuck#but for once in my life. i think ill be okay.#anyway all of this to say is I have a semi busy day ahead of me and I need to shower but im afraid bc idk how my new shower works#that thang looks like some sort of contraption and I havent learned the secrets yet but such is life and a part of growing up#cal.txt#sorry for my weird poetic rambling i didnt feel like there was enough here for my collection of poetry google docs
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how do i tell my mother that coming into my room calling me "lazybones" if i'm still in bed at any time past 7 a.m. for YEARS has done near-irreparable damage to my self-esteem and created shame about being able to just fucking relax?
#but she can rot on the couch playing mahjong on her ipad all day it's fine#i don't feel at all angry when i come home dirty and tired from work#and she tells me i'm making dinner#while she sits curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a book#sure mom. let me just take a shower and i'll get right on that#but please do let me know how hungry you are five times while i'm trying to scrape together some energy#i need to get out of this house#some small part of me kinda hopes she just doesn't come back from vacation#and. and .#as i'm giving her a VERY NICE vacation pedicure last night#she goes 'hey could i maybe use your hardcase on this trip? it'd just be easier in a customs search'#oh the brand new really nice hardcase suitcase that you got me for my birthday? that one?#not one of the four other suitcases you own?#sure. go ahead and take it#anythign else i can get you queen?#my belongings are not my own#my life is not my own#my time is not my own#yes i know i have control issues but i think i've earned them a little bit#i never learned to set boundaries and could never say no to my mom without being reprimanded#and i feel like a shell of a person because she's belittled my individuality if it doesn't conform to her worldview#and i feel like i'm dangling this husk in front of people and saying 'yep this is me. my whole essence'#all because i can't say no to her taking my fucking suitcase like it was never really mine to begin with#like she's just entitled to all my shit#i'm fine. i have a meeting with my therapist next week. i'm fine.
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ok one more thing. the way in robin hood leo just lore drops that him and keito at some point in the past went full fucking vigilante to protect little john which resulted in the fact that the archery club building is not actually officially on school grounds and-- as far as i know please tell me if im wrong-- thats the only time theyve ever gone into that.
you cant tell me that. you cant leave that image in my head and not elaborate. leo!!! leo fucking tell me!!!!
#i think its. the image got too strong at some point and its sitting in the back of the queue with the other fic nobody will read#i havent written it. its not just something i wrote and was like. this is the best thing ever let it not see the light of day for engagemen#reasons#but i have a fuckton of good ideas and i like when i post a fic and then get showered in kudos#which wont happen if i present the concept little john: origins (working title) and go GUYS PLEASE TRUST ME
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People who say just don’t allow yourself to use your phone/do fun stuff until you finish the difficult task! severely underestimate my ability to sit in the same place unmoving and do literally nothing for hours to end just so I don’t have to face the difficult task
#I still haven’t written the email#I haven’t eaten today or yesterday I also haven’t walked the dog or showered or worked on my assignments#it’s just a stupid fucking email#I barely even slept I was just sitting or laying there awake because I have to write the mail but my brain doesn’t let me#I have to head to work in. an hour#I was supposed to write the email yesterday#ITS LITERALLY TO HELP ME WITH THIS EXACT PROBLEM. I’m gonna lose my mind#I Know it’s not gonna be that bad#they said they could have something to give back to me by Monday#but. I need. to write. that. fucking. email#which I can NOT because whenever I try my brain freezes and no clear thought manages to form
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Me vs outlining a perfect plan for my day in my head which I can be the only one allowed to change the schedule vs my mom asking me to do 2 simple tasks
#she was like hey can you take the trash out I was like ughhhh okay yeah give me a min (I was still ordering weed)#my mom less than a minute later : hey if you want to break down all the cardboard out there I’d appreciate it Me: actually I’d rather not I#was about to shower right after I put this weed order in#then she gets all pissed at me bc I never do what she asks and blah blah blah blah blah#like. girl. I know she can’t see in my brain but I was not awake last night watching cleaning videos and psyching myself up for a day full#of cleaning my room and showering and doing laundry and cleaning funks cage and doobs cage and making my bed and dusting my ceiling fan and#taking apart my box fan to clean it and cleaning the water pitcher in the fridge and deep cleaning#like GAH I HAVE SO MANY PLANS TODAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING AND JUST SIT ON MY ASS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP#ripping my hair out and screaming banging my fists on the floor#I literally was like yeah I’ll take the trash out no I will not break down boxes right now and she went off on a whole fucking thing like#just shut up.#I hate it. why do I make plans in my head of the exact order I have to do things and if one person suggest doing anything differently or#pushing my schedule back further than I wanted to myself I get so annoyed I explode into a ball of flames#I wanted to shower dry off pick up weed let out funk refill the humidifier clean the bathroom mirrors throw sort and clean the bathroom#shelves sweep start a load of laundry clean off my desk which means cleaning and organizing my closet or my desk dresser thing to fit the#crap on my desk and I have to clean and reorganize the space next to my desk so I can fit my boombox there bc the humidifier took its place#next to funk and like I want to just cry why does everything have to be so fucking difficult for me why is everything simple for everyone#else and for me every simple task is composed of one million baby tasks that I have to do in the correct order forever or everyone around m#will think I’m stupid and dumb forever like WHAT THE HELL WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DO THING#IN WHATEVER ORDER AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN A 20 MINUTE SETBACK DOESNT COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR DAY#AHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT#BUT INSTEAD. I WILL GO TAKE THE TRASH OUT. AND NOT BREAK DOWN THE CARDBOARD BC THAT MEANS GETTING MY KNIFE AND MY HEADPHONES AND PUTTING MO#CLOTHES ON WHICH IS COUNTERINTUITIVE#TO THE WHOLE ABOUT TO TAKE A SHOWER THING#UGHHHHHHH#I am the worst human on the planet and I deserve infinite suffering#fuck this whole thing I’m pissed I’m gonna listen to music and rage clean after I pick up weed and shower
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Genuine shower thought time
I think. The highest form of physical intimacy (that isn't sexual) is brushing someone's hair
#i just remember sitting on the floor in front of my mom on the couch#and her just running a brush through my hair#maybe it was after a shower and she wanted to braid it#or maybe i just woke up on the weekend and i was too lazy to brush it myself#i can't remember the last time someone else brushed my hair#i know it would have been her#she was the only person i would let do that#only thought about this because my hair used to get super tangled when i was a kid#but it doesn't do that much anymore#fuck me. man#i miss my mom#ah crying in the shower#how cliche
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by no means have we gotten rid of fatphobia or making beauty standards actually somewhat “normal”
but body standards for masc presenting ppl. like even cis guys. absolutely wild
#i found myself looking in the mirror after showering and my brain just absolutely astounded me#it told me ‘that’s a perfect body. what a waste’#as in: if i was a girl i dont think id experience all that much body dysmorphia at this point in my life#i cant know that fs but it seems likely#bc my body dysmorphia is intrinsically related to my gender dysphoria#i have a belly but im mostly fine with that. the problem is the fat that sits on my hips#i think i have rlly good hips so the hip dips(?) might not bother me if i was a girl#in fact im basically so curvy 😌#but it doesnt align w my gender so my brain goes ‘what a waste’#in no time soon am i gonna be a skinny tik tok nonbinary guy#and its not even something that i hope in the distance to achieve even#which honestly is a big leap so even proud of myself for just that#but still! i sit down and curse my thighs#so yeah lets get fat guy rep thats not depricating 😤#rambles#winter shut the fuck up#body dysmorphia#body dysphoria
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first morning since my sister came back from her vacation and i already want to off myself
#i was taking a shower and she woke up and started banging on the bathroom door screaming for me to get the fuck out and i refused and she#started screaming like crazy about how im a lazy piece of shit and i dont do anything all day and im 25 and i havent done anything with my#life and i need to get slapped in the face by life#as if i didnt struggle every day. every single day with my mental health and feeling like i have a purpose in life because tbh rn it sounds#so so appealing to just k*ll myself. as if i didnt think about it every single day#but i keep trying even if my body and my mind are doing everything they can to convince me to just let go i keep trying and of course my#sister wouldnt know shit about how i feel because all she sees is a lazy ass who sits in her bedroom all day but doesnt know what i do#with my time#but whatever#she just has such a special power in triggering me
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honestly truly been having a terrible horrible no good very bad couple of days and....things keep happening!!! but at least we get fall out boy and pete images tonight <3333
#having terrible cramps right now#the shower head filter EXPLODED ON ME while i was in the middle of taking a shower like yucky water everywhere#like i was halfway through shaving my legs and letting my conditioner sit when this happened#so i had to make the cold trek across the house to the other shower to finish :(#and now i have to go to work and there's a big field trip#AND SOMEBODY BOOKED A PARTY TODAY. FOR TONIGHT!!!! WHICH IS INSANE TO ME!!!!#like personally i think this shouldnt be allowed SO WE CAN HAVE STAFF TO WORK THE PARTY#but yk anything that gets the owner a few more dollars she has to keep the internet on so she can watch us on her ring cameras#and harass us over text<333
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in our house, if mom or I say "want to play a game?" to the other it means Scrabble.
#Game#Scrabble#Yay I think we can play today bc my pet sitting was not canceled but dif than I thought#No wonder they paid me less I thought it was a mistake#And was going to let it slide bc they're at a funeral#The person who usually comes at 9 pm is there all day today#I was at the house this morning and . A person coming down the driveway#Anyway I didn't have to wake up early this morning 😪#😭#It was so hard to get get up bc cats were running around last night#I mean thunder#He didn't play before bed so.. was still wild. Naughty babee#I could've gone back to bed but I want to write#It's always hard to go back to bed once you're up anyway#Now I can write unless we go to my sisters earlier...#Now we can go without worrying about getting back#Talk about my other sisters baby shower#!#And tinier maybe scrabble after all!#*tonight#Can't whe n I have to go to pets at 6#Mom goes to bed at 8
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