#ive never really had seasonal depression but maybe this is that. who knows

[starstruckodysseys]

hnghhhhhh

[t8oo]

By all accounts the lupin fandom has always prided itself as a drama free ship war free open to polyamory and wildly different headcanons fandom. And I can name a few people that have worked hard to keep this place very friendly. And I really started in this fandom in a friendly place. I even managed to make friends that Liked Luzeni maybe even just as much as me. I was ecstasic. I really loved those people so much, I talked to them daily. Some of them I respected so much for their craft. Great.

Id always been upfront and very clear that they were befriending someone who was fucked in the head. And i dont mean seasonal depression type I mean Bipolar and Bpd and all the symptoms it entails. Im not even going to mention the upbringing and the life ive had. All of it was a complete and violently abusive catastrophy.

Last year I exhibited symptoms that were intense. TOXIC. It didnt mean that I was toxic to my friend, because I was rational enough to know about boundaries. I was at the end of my rope. For undisclosed reasons I had to be interned. Great. During the ultimate time that lead me to become crazy, not a single person i thought was my friend gave me a hand. I received a message from one friend while I was litteraly perched on the windowsill about to jump telling me about their life. Not asking abt me. I sent some Hey thats cool but im about to kill myself and they didnt reply. Days after I was interned they told me that my message triggered them so they had to have an emergency meeting with their psychiatrist. Cool. Nothing abt me still. Sorry ? Fallout 1

During yhat whole shitstorm and despite everything a friend became my like. favorite person in bpd terms. Just really fucking embarassing shit really. I tried to prevent it, i tried to pull out not to make it worse, which not only was making it worse but was making it toxic. I aparently blew out, which of course my memory conveniently forgot. I said something ahout their partner. They never explained what. Again, after internment I apologized. They told me they needed time. They bsolutely deserved it. I was probably horrible to warrant that reaction. I might even have been toxic. Again, I do not remember what I even said. Im not a demonic entity it couldnt have been like I desacrated them and insulted them beyond repair. Even in my anger I have always been limited. But all i can do is speculate. They never explained, just took my apology. And then They never came back. That friend I liked so much that despite everything I did to control myself became a person i liked beyond wat was normal. We have had so much fun. Not enough to mend bridges or explained anything. Fallout 2

During that blow out one friend meddled, asking that other friend for information ? I asked to pass along a message to friend B. which friend A refused. Like it was not their business, even tho they were clearly invested in the business enough to talk to both of us about it lol. No problem. 4 days ago thou i confronted a group of friends that were friends As friend, for kicking them out of an rp group for no reason, even bordering on racism. My friend feels hurt about that event, has always hinted at it. it even stopped them from rping, something they did for 12 years. They had no closure and so I tried to bring it to them. Asshole move or empathic ? Thinking back i may have been taking the situation personnaly because i was already on my way out menrally. I dont know. All i know is that four days later, after i talked for hours to that group and the reason why they treated my friend so poorly that they still had scars over it, i was experiencing a mental crisis and that friend refused a request. Great. Fallout 3

The last friend litteraly stood by and said nothing. Not before the fallout and not after. I dont even know'if that counts as a fallout. This girl was so cute, so fun, so talented, so FUNNY. And when it came to a heed she said nothing. No side taking. Neutrality. Okay

At this point I no longer had anyone to talk to I think. I was documenting my attempt and the horrible conditions of the psych ward on twitter for everyone of my "friends" to see. One i particularly loved so much because they genuinely were on the same level of insanity related to luzeni made a tweet about the late hystix, a person i did not know but a lot of the lupin fandom did. A beautiful soul that was always supportive and kind. Everyone was mourning her. It was truly heartbreaking. I hope she is in peace. Our attempts matched in timing, it was actually mindblowing. Mine just fucking failed because of nosy neighbors. I feel so close to her in spirit still. That we both struggled so much that we came to the conclusion that nothing could save us. She did not have the nosy neighbors. That friend mourned her publicly.. on twitter. Ok. Logical, its a depressing, horrible and sad situation all around. All we can do is mourn. Still, it was a friend I was genuinely close to. That never showed the empathy they did to me. Hey dude so im kind of facing the exact same issues but you never reached out ? While my torment was there and documented on twitter because again. I did not fucking know wat was going on. I was in a strict mental ward under a lot of dosage from nurses who refused to give me insulin even thou i was type 1. Friend said that they tweeted at me. No mention of the years and years of discussions we had on discord and me checking up on them everytime they pulled out for severe family matters and i was genuinely concerned. Nope they aparently tweeted something at me. Okay. Thank you for the concern. Your investment really shows. Fallout 4

after that I stopped friends all together. The fact that friends I was talking nigh on everyday to each revealed their lack of concern for me during an extreme mental health crisis was abyssmal to say the least.

Fallout 5 came with Sheen. I was managing a charity zine for Palestine, and the lack of investment from so many artists brought me to the edge. I took it out on Sheen in the softest way possible. I told them I was disapointed in their piece and that it looked low effory. Sheen, a person I had knwon for the entirety of my investment in the lupin fandom, decided that an offense was enough to block me and never speak again. Once again i was on the verge of yet another blow out. And it happened. Lol. Its just so funny in retrospect that everytime I start acting weird alluding to a breakdown people shun me out despite, you know. me being clear abt my medical record. I realized that I was rude to Sheen and it was uncalled for. Apologized publicly not in the attempt that Sheen sees it but just so that everyone knows that if they hear abt the story, at least they know its all been my fault. Online friendships are so cool because it just takes the block button to burn bridges without coming back. With no chance of mending or at least a genuine apology. so Fallout 5

Is there a reason that all of these issues happened within one fandom ? I do think so. Unless i am incredibly unlucky. Or an abusive piece of shit unbeknownst to me. I think that the lupin fandom is surface level niceties. If they dont like you you will know. It will be passive but you will be muted and eventually just ostracized. You will not be invited in fandom events, or group discussions. It did not help that my mental health was constantly deteriorating and I started developping a persecution complex, thinking that people were making secret discords where they were telling others to avoid me or something. Ive endured all of this for one thing. One Humiliating thing : i love luzeni. I love it so much I want a tatto of it. I love it so much that after years before sleep I pick a random fic and then imagine their discussions. I love their dynamic so much. I love their romance I love how fucking inhinged they are i love that they hurt and love each other the same, i love that they cant live without the other, that they genuinely complete each other in a really ugly but complete patchwork of mental illness and really elaborate kinks.

I gave up thou. Another depression, I blew out, attempted again with the window, got caught and sent to the hospital. It pulled me back from the fandom. I realized i was allocating so much of my thoughts to it and how I could be better perceived, how I could make friends again to talk about the fictional thing i loved the most in the world. And I realized that in giving up and keeping to myself, that I could be more stable. That the damage was done and I cant really enjoy this fandom anymore, but Im still attached to the hip to luzeni and so in the words of a really brilliant man... Nah... Ill do my own thing.

U might be wondering why the hell is this bitch airing their laundry publicly. Its therapeutic. You dont have to read or care. If those friends see it, and make a comment of their own about how the events did NOT happen like I told, I would love to hear how they perceived it. I do not give my friendship freely and easily and these people have done profound damage to my abilty to trust. And most of all, I never had any closure. I kept rethinking, blaming them, then myself, then miscommunication, then them and then myself again. To this day I dont know why all of this happend. Did I act like an unfathomable monster, or did my friend simply not give a shit enough to help me through this. I dont fucking know and I cant deny either options. Maybe I am talking through a completely selfish wrapped sens of perception that is not to be trusted. I wouldnt be surprised. I have a very hard time relying on my own brain lately. My health is deteriorating very fast, and shit is getting worse.

The second reason is that I am going to be interned for psychiatric issues for the next 3 months. For the first time in my life I think Ill finally get all the professional support i need, available and close. Im not going to be investing any time in the fandom, if simply talking to the psychiatrist abt this catastrophic strings of fallouts. I might be posting some luzenis, but frankly i doubt it. I only make fanart when I am happy, or sad enough but still capable. Im neither right now. You are not entitled to any of these informations, but I just wanted to write them out of my mind because I have a LOT of baggage to go on through and this is an extra bag I dont need so im throwing it out.

You cannot gauge an entire fandom from your perspective, the same way you cannot gauge an entire userbase. No, tiktokers are not the worst people in humanity. Neither are reddit users. Being on tumblr is cool, but it doesnt make u better than being on twitter. And so this is only my opinion of the lupin fandom. I met some amazing persons that i wish the best for, for ever and ever, but in all the niceties and welcoming you might see, I dont think that extends to a person with mental illnesses that are villified, or out of their control. I can fairly say that my experience was disapointing, and I dont intend to rekindle anything. Ill just be on the fringe maintaining the spirit of luzeni alive because fuck you monkey punch these are my characters now by law.

If you read until this bro get a life. Also im joking, youv given me more consideration than most people i met have. If your take after this is that I am deranged, then youv read right.

Thank you for reading. This blog has always been a pleasure to post on, even my most cringe and embarassing shippy stuff. Ive been met with nothint but support, and I truly enjoy being here because of you. I hope this isnt a 3+ month long goodbye. I hope I draw my lovers again. But I cant guarantee anything. I wish you all health most of all, and love and compassion.

[pumpkinsy0]

Autistic cherry hcs pleek :3 + any other mental illness’ + neurodiversity you can see her have if you have any in mind. basically just a deep dive on her psyche but also autistic cherry #real

im ngl i barely rlly think about her so my thoughts may change but aye,,,lemme cook,,,

yknow i could actually see cherry havingg 3 major things, anxiety, imposter syndrome, and seasonal depression

BUT FIRST THE AUTISM!!!

when it comes to cherry, theres two ways u can see it, either she gets diagnosed as a kid or she doesnt, and since i feel like i would be going down the same rabbit whole as before talking about her not being diagnosed, ill just say she is!!!

she was diagnosed as a kid and her parents dont look too highly on anything that goes against the norm, anything that “makes them look bad” they want to have the perfect life and the perfect daughter, so they just tell her to “act normal”. cherry had basically been masking her wholleeee life, partially bc shes forced by society and her parents, part bc she wants to. any yknow what??? she does a damn good job of it!! when it comes to her stims, theyre things ppl write off, clicking a pen, her humming, and her chewing gum is just her trying to keep it together when shes overstimulated.

is her autism something shes open about??? nope, i dont think so, nobody outside her immediate family rlly knows about it and she would like it to stay that way cause she doesnt want to be knows as “the girl w that condition” she wants to be seen as herself, yknow??? i dont think thats something she grows up to rlly accept about herself either, the ppl around her never taught her how to accept it, so it would b very hard for her to do it on her own</33

when it comes to her special interest btw, i can totally see her like french history!! especially when it comes to the fashion (specifically rocco i would think) and the revolution, i cant explain it, she just gives off the vibe. maybe its bc i hc her as half french??? perchance????? POINT IS, shes super into it!!! she has some old letters from past family members from france around that time she looks at allllll the time, its like her prized possesion

when it comes to cherrys anxiety, its comes from a multitude of things, ive already mentioned the societal pressure shes under so i wont go into that, but what also runs along w her anxiety is her impostor syndrome!! cherry is a girl who genuinely wants to work for what shes got, she doesnt want it handed to her on a silver plater. but she never knows 100% if shes actually working hard for something and got it all by herself bc of her own skills or if she was just pushed to the top for being a pretty soc. and it was only worse when shes in hs, bc all shes known as is a result of her family being popular in town and or her being a cheerleader, noticed mainly bc of her looks, both r superficial reasons. she has no room to show who she truly is and thats suffocating to her, making her question if the relationships around her r genuine, she will lowkey quiz ppl close to her about herself to see if they really listen to her and the only two ppl who passed was marcia and bob

nowwww w the seasonal depression to b fair, she did get better. she got depression, got TECHNICALLY better, and now shes got seasonal depression. not much i can say for this part tbh and thats bc a lot of ppl think she isnt depressed. she keeps on pushing like eveythings ok just to get ppl off her back so they ask no questions, but when shes alone, she clings onto this sweater of bobs and his cologne and wishes he was there. she keeps pushing for his sake though, she knows he wouldnt wanna see her all down in the dumps, no many how many times hes upset her.

[sunnynoki]

We don’t talk a lot - We haven’t talked in probably about a year or so now, since I left the fandom space we met in. I’ve changed usernames since then - I went by Wheat on discord. Sorry I’ve been so distant. I never knew how to talk to you since it’s been a while.

Even still, I want to tell you that you were important to me, and still are. I wish we could talk more. I want to talk about your new interests. What are you into these days? I’ve been getting into some older games these days, but I’ve been missing pokemon a bit. I want to get back into it. Do you still draw Sky? I never asked you about them with as much detail as I wanted to. I was always worried about being too intrusive, but I regret that now. Your OCs are really imaginative. I know you’re into tensura now, right? Season 3 is coming out soon. I’m excited for that.

I want to get to know you again. I don’t know what happened with whatever you left behind, and I don’t know if this is a weird message to send, but you’re important to me and I want to let you know that you are. I wouldn’t be who I am if you weren’t there in the beginning. Thank you for being you.

i dont know how to talk either. every sentence i say either feels fake or self centered, selfish. and dont worry about being distant; it happens, especially when interests change. i dont blame you.

youre important to me too. i wish we could talk more. im not into much right now. i just feel empty. i gave up su/bmas, after everything. it was too much, not knowing who i could trust not to fucking ship them, or think its ok in any circumstance. yet sometimes i still crawl back to the tag, despite blocking it a while ago. i dont touch anything though, just look. it doesnt bring me joy anymore. i think im finally letting it go. i dont know how i feel about po/kemon yet. its kinda just. there. maybe im just feeling particularly apathetic right now.

i don't really draw anything right now. i dont know if i can go back. it was my only hobby, yet my therapist said that it wasnt enough, even when i was at my lowest. well, at the time. ive set a new low score at this point. i dont want to draw. i don't know what id draw. i dont think i can. my computer is kinda a no mans land at this point. i don't really touch it anymore. im glad you liked sky though. i never understood why she garnered so much attention. i could never write a good enough character for her. she was a mary sue in that way, with no real character flaws, let alone the... everything else. either way, like i said, im glad you liked her regardless. it means a lot. the attention i got because of her made me really happy.

like i said, im not really into anything right now, but i guess tensura would be regarded as an "interest." im... looking forward to season 3. i read one of the light novels thats going to be adapted a month or two back though, so i guess its gonna be a moment before i get to "new" content.

i dont know if theres anyone to get to know anymore. i was already in a depressive episode before this disaster, now i dont know if theres any going back, if theres any way to recover. it isnt a weird message to send, and its appreciated that you care for me but. im not sure if i can trust anyone again. im not sure if i can even trust myself. even in the aftermath, the people i thought i could trust either no longer talk to me or still interact with those who hurt me. i guess its selfish to ask them to cut off those friends too. but ive always been selfish. self centered. egotistical.

regardless, im glad i had some positive impact despite my mess of a personality. thank you for your words

[gregorygerwitz]

Moustead + The Hockey AU

warnings: brief mention of chronic/terminal illness and death, implied alcoholism, depression, behavior that could be considered self harm

Gregory Gerwitz IV liked hockey. It was his favorite sport. He had the family pull that let him get tickets to every home Blackhawks game, and he usually spent every minute at glass level, watching all the action with only the protection of the plexiglass shield a foot in front of his face. But that was the Hawks, NHL, the big leagues, even if their playoff outlook wasn’t very high.

What he didn’t particularly care about was the minor league team that his father bought between seasons when he was a teenager, like adding to the weight of the family business he was supposed to inherit was somehow a birthday gift. He’d wanted a car that year, or the freedom to spend more time at the stables with Phil and Amelia, or even better, to not be forced into a business track at a college barely half an hour away from home. He definitely didn’t want to be promised the Chicago Mice, a hockey team that no one had heard about because they sucked, had never won a single game, and gave him the mocking nickname Mouse for his entire senior year of high school.

So, he ignored it. Greg ignored the family name on all of the merchandise and swag he saw around the city. He ignored the change in the Mice’s record when they started winning games. He ignored all of it. It was easier to ignore it than acknowledge that he’d have to handle that some day, too. It was another weight on his shoulders he didn’t want to deal with.

But he could only ignore it for so long.

After college, and after he established himself working in the office with his father, he got pulled from a meeting early to go to lunch. Only, lunch didn’t involve food, just a mostly empty arena and a warm up for the team on the ice. Besides the coaches and the players, they were the only ones there, and it wasn’t exactly fun.

He got a bag of popcorn for his midday meal, and glass level seats, and normally, that would be just fine with him. He’d done it at a few matinee games, living off junk food and rooting for his team, but this was different. Because one day, it really would be his team, whether he wanted it to be or not.

And he really didn’t want it.

Jay Halstead didn’t know what he wanted to do when he finished high school. He knew it had to take his attention, be a good distraction from everything going on at home, not let him linger on any of it. With his brother off to school in New York and his mother in and out of the hospital with medical bills to keep up with, he didn’t have a lot of options. It had to be something with a steady income, enough to keep up with unforeseen expenses.

Hockey had started as a hobby, something he did at the local rec center when he had free time and a few extra bucks. He’d tried out for the Mice as a joke - maybe they weren’t a great team, but the paycheck would be enough to make a dent in the medical debt he was helping with while still paying for his own apartment. The fact that he made it on the team at all was some kind of miracle, and it felt like the universe, or some other force, was telling him he was doing exactly the right thing.

It was the final game of his first season with the team when he got a phone call from the bench. He didn’t even get to see the rare victory, too busy rushing to the hospital on the other side of the city. He picked his brother up at the airport the next day, and by the end of the weekend, they had to shift their efforts to planning a funeral instead of any other medical next steps. It meant the owner of the team wanted him gone, wanted him and his odd penchant for never showing up on time off the team.

He got lucky again. He was one of the players who had gained them as many small victories as they’d gotten in the months he was playing. He got another chance.

But after such a loss, it was hard to go back to live as usual. He could keep playing the game he’d grown to love, but it wasn’t enough of a distraction anymore. And, after another season, he didn’t exactly need that much money when the bills were paid and no longer accumulating. He was free and clear, he could quit and go off and do whatever he wanted with his life. He could even stop making money all together and live in his childhood bedroom where the fridge was always stocked with snacks and more beer than he could drink. It’s what he wanted to do, some days, give up and retreat, let the sadness take him and swallow him whole.

When that wasn’t an option, he did something else. Every single play that seemed a little too rough could end in a punch. He could skate a little faster and push a little harder. He could leave the ice with bruises or a bloody nose that made him feel a little more solid, like he was still a part of his own life instead of just floating through it. It wasn’t healthy, and it got him more penalties than he cared to count, and it almost made him lose everything. It almost got him kicked off the team, again, and that was when reality forced him to look it in the eye.

So Jay pulled himself back together again, made himself play the way he knew he could. It was less aggressive and more calculated, passing and scoring and improving the team’s record year after year.

It wasn’t like he did it singlehandedly, but he knew he was a big part of it, the Mice going from the worst team in the league to the top five in almost no time at all. And, when he heard whispers of the owner of the team coming to watch a practice one afternoon at the start of the season, he didn’t let that opportunity pass him by. He showed Mr. Gerwitz that keeping him around was a good idea, that he was very capable of playing at the level he needed to in order to keep his position on the team.

And, when he turned around and took his helmet off after scoring a warm up goal, he found that the only person near the bench who was even looking at him wasn’t the owner of the team at all - just his son.

[iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife]

Για το ask game Edgeworth και Ανδρέας

Miles Edgeworth 💅

First impression: OH I SHOULD GET INTO ACE ATTORNEY IMMEDIATELY THIS MAN IS GOING TO RUIN ME.

Impression now: I was one hundred percent correct in my assumptions. He did in fact ruin me. This man has the range honestly. He is kind. He is an asshole. He is traumatised. He has every subtype of daddy issues known to man. He is a bitchy gay queen. He is aroace-spec (to me). He is autistic. He has NO idea what to do with himself when he is not in a courtroom. He is insane. Ive seen it. I enjoy it. Amen.

Favourite moment: "thanks to you i am saddled with unnecessary.... feelings....". Everything about turnabout goodbyes. The talk with Franziska at the end of aa2. The talk with phoenix after the earthquake in aa3. I could literally never pick Just One moment sorry.

Idea for a story: ... I've brainstormed two (2) aus that involve Edgeworth with two different mutuals. The first one is the Eurovision au where vk just sends miles to represent germany in Eurovision and the second one is the ace attorney/παρά πέντε crossover me and @alalumin have been driving ourselves insane over. Out of the two, the first one is the most fleshed out but the second one i might actually sit down and write for one day. Thats about all the concrete story ideas ive had for this man so far dkskks. Everything else is just a jumble of vague angsty daydreams.

Unpopular opinion: hmmm a lot of people tend to ignore the fact that he was canonically suicidal after aa1 so i suppose that could count as an unpopular opinion? Like if he wasn't actually suicidal, the note meant that he straight up faked his death which makes him an even bigger asshole that he usually is, which in turn makes phoenix's misdirected anger and blame seem a lot more justified? Also a lot of people tend to ignore the fact that phoenix would NOT handle Edgeworth admitting that he meant the note literally well. And honestly im not really blaming anyone here. Their aa2 dynamic is sooo complex, Edgeworth hurt the people that cared about him by hurting himself and not all of them are ready to forgive him immediately and thats fine. I just wish more people would explore this whole thing instead of oversimplifying it yknow?

Favourite relationship: narumitsu obvs but honestly? The Franziska and Miles fucked up sibling relationship means the world to me, its like a really really really close second.

Favourite headcanon: does it actually count as a headcanon if its strongly supported by canon? Idk but he definitely avoids elevators as much as he can and considering that his office is in the twelfth fucking floor the man walks up a lot of flights of stairs. He must have thighs of steel skkskaka. Also i like to think that at some point after the investigation games he went to therapy and he finally (!) got some help for that unmedicated and undiagnosed canon ptsd hes been drowning in since he was nine years old. Also he got Pess because i love her. Maybe she is trained as a service dog. He would love her with all his heart and her death would kickstart a major depressive episode because god knows this man can't handle grief but in the end he could get over it. Maybe even get a second dog or learn how to deal with loss in a less self destructive way. Also i don't think he would ever be able to fully enjoy Christmas? Like sure his fathers death doesn't hurt as much anymore but i like to think that the nightmares rear their ugly head during the Christmas season. Sure, he IS doing better but some things never really go away. He can hang out at the prosecutors office or Wright anything agency Christmas parties without feeling utterly miserable but he doesn't enjoy the holidays as much as everyone else. Some people don't understand why or think thats its just another aspect of his charming personality but the people who do are sympathetic about it.

Ανδρέας Καλογήρου 🔪

First impression: γουαου ποιός είναι αυτός ο μαλάκας λολ. Ειλικρινά νομίζω την πρώτη φορά που είδα το παρά πέντε δεν με ένοιαζε πολύ σαν χαρακτήρας.

Impression now: κοίτα. Έχεις δει το μπλογκ μου. Ξέρεις πως νιώθω για αυτόν τον άνθρωπο. Ο Ανδρέας έχει θεματάρες. Έχει παγιδεύσει τον εαυτό του σε μια θέση στην οποία είναι και θύμα και θύτης και από την οποία δεν έχει τρόπο ή ιδιαίτερη θέληση να βγει. Κατά την διάρκεια του σόου πηγαίνει από την αδιαφορία για τους ανθρώπους που σκοτώνει, στην εμμονή με το να πιάσει τους πέντε και μόνο όταν τον συλλαμβάνουν και όλα τελειώνουν συνηδειτοποιεί πόσο μάταια ήταν όλα αυτά και πόσες ζωές έχει καταστρέψει συμπεριλαμβανομένης και της δικής του. Επίσης ο άνθρωπος είναι μούναρος 😔😔.

Favourite moment: το τηλεφώνημα στον Σπύρο στο φινάλε με στοιχειώνει τα βράδια.

Idea for a story: πέρα από το ο Σπύρος επισκέπτεται τον Ανδρέα στη φυλακή fic που βρίσκεται αυτή τη στιγμή στο wip hell μου έχει καρφωθεί στο μυαλό εκείνη η ατάκα που ο Παυρινός αποκαλεί τον Νίκο πρεζό��ι και το τι μπορεί να υπονοεί για το Ανδρέας/Νίκος μπακστορι. Επίσης εκείνο το όνειρο που είχα δει ότι έχει κόρη και redemption arc, angst fic για την γενική κακομεταχείριση που τρώει από τον Παυρινό, το Ανδρέας/Νίκος καφενείο au το οποίο κάποιος πρέπει να γράψει σας εκλιπαρώ και το προαναφερόμενο ace attorney/παρά πέντε crossover στο οποίο εμφανίζεται ως μάρτυρας στην δίκη της Αγγέλας. Το πόσα από αυτά θα καταλήξω όντως να γράψω ποτέ είναι πολύ αμφιλεγόμενο τβχ αλλά το γεγονός είναι ότι μου τριβελίζουν συνέχεια το μυαλό.

Unpopular opinion: δεν ξέρω είμαστε στο παρά πέντε φάντομ, είμαστε δέκα άτομα όλα κι όλα κάθε άποψη μετράει ��ια unpopular κσκσκσ. Αλλά απλά και μόνο για να πω κάτι. Νομίζω όντως προσπάθησε να αγαπήσει τη Ζάνα. Ο γάμος τους ήταν ότι πιο hand in unlovable hand και σφάζονταν όλη μέρα αλλά προσπάθησε να φτιάξει τη ζωή του στην αρχή τουλάχιστον, εξού και ο ευτυχισμένος χετεροσεξουαλ γάμος. Στο μυαλό μου ήταν από αυτά τα ζευγάρια που έχουν ημερομηνία λήξης και το ήξεραν και οι δύο. Μετά έπεσε στα βαθιά με τις δουλειές με τον Παυρινό και πήρανε επιτέλους διαζύγιο. Επίσης δεν νομίζω ότι με τον Νίκο τα έχουνε, έχουνε. Νομίζω έχουν μια ελαφρώς fucked up relationship όπου δεν επικοινωνούν τίποτα εβερ, απλά πηδιουνται περιστασιακά on and off και μετά απλά πηγαίνουν και τα φτιάχνουν με άλλους. Τουλάχιστον στην αρχή. Τώρα αν μετά το τέλος της σειράς βγουν ποτέ από την φυλακή θέλω να πιστεύω ότι θα μπορούσαν να φτιάξουν λίγο τη ζωή τους αλλά αν δεν βγουν ποτέ. Well. Πώς νιώθεις όταν συνηδειτοποιείς ότι αγαπούσες τον καλύτερο σου φίλο χρόνια τώρα αλλά δεν έκανες ποτέ τίποτα για αυτό επειδή απλά δεν τολμούσες να αλλάξεις τίποτα στην μοναδική σταθερή σχέση που σου είχε απομείνει στη ζωή σου και ταυτόχρονα ήσουν πολύ απασχολημένος να σκοτώνεις κόσμο; Πώς νιώθεις όταν συνηδειτοποιείς ότι τώρα μπορεί να είναι πια πολύ αργά; Γενικά head full many thoughts.

Favourite relationship: Νίκος/Ανδρέας δαγκωτό.

Favourite headcanon: ναιιι δεν νομίζω ότι αυτός ο άνθρωπος είχε καλά παιδικά χρόνια. Ή καλό πατέρα. Ο Παυρινός κυριολεκτικά του πετάει πράγματα και αυτός ο καημένος σκύβει να τα πιάσει 😔 babyboy έχεις τραύμα. Η μάνα του είναι νεκρή (ναι κυριολεκτικά αναφέρεται έτσι throwaway σε ένα επεισόδιο και δεν το έχω ξεχάσει ποτέ) και επιλέγω να πιστεύω ότι την σκότωσε ο πατέρας του. Μισεί τον πατέρα του και κατά βάθος μισεί και το γεγονός ότι μεγαλώνοντας έχει γίνει σχεδόν ακριβώς σαν αυτόν. Ξεκίνησε να καπνίζει στο γυμνάσιο. Επίσης δεν πιστεύω ότι τελείωσε ποτέ το λύκειο.

[wandringaesthetic]

Some very belated thoughts regarding Final Fantasy XVI (and Game of Thrones)

If you've ever had a conversation with me about A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones, you would know that my exhaustion regarding it is endless. I read the first three books circa 2003, when I was in highschool.

There was the slow release of the books. There were the absolutely depressing things that happened to the characters. There was the show, which I initially viewed with enthusiasm but then I couldn't stand the mention of for reasons I couldn't articulate. I fell behind on the show, and then it caught up with the manga, and then the show was about to end, and I thought, well. If I ever want any closure on this story I had better finish watching the show, because god only knows whether or not GRRM is ever going to finish the books. So I watched every season so far in preparation for the last one, some 15 years, two college degrees, a marriage , a child, and several jobs later than when I first started this journey.

And we all know how that ended. D&D apparently had information regarding how GRRM is planning on ending the story, but I'm pretty sure they misunderstood the themes badly enough that GRRM, if he ever gets there, is going to take a very different route to those conclusions.

Meanwhile, Jon Snow is still at least mostly dead in the books.

I will never know peace regarding Westeros. It's fine. (It isn't).

Other than being left hanging, a major reason A Song of Ice and Fire absolutely exhausts me is the misery train. I remember seeing a gifset, early in the show days, with images of the Stark Family with the words "we are never ever ever getting back together." Nothing good ever happens here. No one is getting back together.

And this is where FFXVI departs from Game of Thrones. You'll get your childhood friend slash adopted sister back. You'll get your brother you thought you killed back. You'll get your dog back. You'll get your beloved chocobo back. (Reuniting with Ambrosia made me maybe the most emotional that anything in the game did, I so did not expect it.) You might die at the end (maybe, it's up to interpretation) but there will be some relief from your loss and misery.

Allegedly, early in development for FFXVI, Yoshida made the whole team watch the first four seasons of Game of Thrones. There's a kinship here, and it's intentional. As much as part of me groans at this, there's a precedent for this in Final Fantasy. Yoshida has long been an admirer of Matsuno, and Matsuno directed Final Fantasy Tactics, a game that was not influenced by Game of Thrones (I don't think it was translated into Japanese at the time), but that was influenced by The War of the Roses, especially as told by Shakespeare, something A Song of Ice and Fire was ALSO influenced by. Yoshi-P should have made the whole team watch Henry IV part 1, 2, and 3

Anyway! FFXVI has a kinship with GoT, especially early in the game. There are a lot of warring factions. There's a lot of moral dubiousness. There's sex and violence and swears. But somewhere in the middle it breaks down and becomes so extremely Final Fantasy. Perhaps (as someone who really loves Final Fantasy) TOO Final Fantasy.

Early in the game, you have human enemies. The ironblood, the empire, Benedikta and Kupka.

But pretty soon, you find out that there's something Beyond, gunning for you (Clive) specifically. Arranging his life in a certain way so that he will acquire certain powers.

Something Final Fantasy does Very often is a villain switcheroo. Either a henchman of the villain overthrows who you thought was the main villain and becomes the main villain, or some Dark Force was influencing the main villain this whole time. This is done sometimes well and sometimes poorly.

So, Ultima, he's some kind of ancient alien. He claims he's a god and probably isn't, exactly. He's going to suck up all the lifeblood of the planet and cast the spell that ends the world. He takes up all the light and air from any part of the plot that does not involve him.

He is playing Final Fantasy villain greatest hits, is what I'm saying. But he sucks. He sucks so bad. He is near the bottom in my ranking of Final Fantasy villains. If I had to choose villain rep from this game for a future Dissidia game, I would choose Barnabas Tharmr over him.

(I feel the Final Fantasies that don't have strong villains are that way because the real villain is organized religion, or time, or despair, or something like that, but that's another essay)

This kind of singular, definitely evil, otherworldly antagonist is the opposite of what makes the morally gray, messy, many factions storytelling of Game of Thrones work. So in the end all of the GoT stuff is set dressing. It means very little.

Part of me wants to see an FFXVI that didn't pull its punches, in which Joshua really died in the prologue, in which none of the dominants or their nations are really right or good. Where it's about power. Where we maybe focus on the messy liberation of the bearers.

But that story maybe ends more like A Song of Ice and Fire might end (if it ever ends), where most of our characters are dead, where the people left just barely survived because they banded together against the oncoming night or blight rather than fight each other over scraps.

And that story is... Exhausting.

[gh0st1nth3shell]

Te extraño

Its been a while since I was last really invested in Tumblr. Lost the one I had since middle school 4 years back and had to restart. Kinda demoralized me so I just haven't been on it. I have like 2 followers and I haven't bothered to even see who they are. I doubt they know me so that makes this a lot easier. Besides using Tumblr to cope and escape as a kid, I also used to be very invested in writing as a medium for release and clarity. Starting now, I guess Ill be combining the two.

Abuela, to you I dedicate these words to. Pero primero, I must apologize to you. I'm currently off two grams of shrooms, 5 blunts, and 4 shots of tequila.

Ill start by saying Im not sure what Im trying to accomplish with this. Maybe Im just looking to vent without a response or judgment. Im not certain if these words and the sentiment behind them will ever reach you but I pray in my heart they do. Ive always been better at expressing myself through pose rather than articulation and I guess that's for the better. Speaking is a waste of breath anyway.

Lately youve been popping up more and more into my mind. Its more than likely the seasonal depression Ill never escape from, but I also just feel like maybe you've been trying to reach me. These last 4 months out of the year are always the hardest for me.

You dont know this, very few people do besides now I guess the people who come across and read this, however, I was 4 in 2001. I was in Manhattan at daycare since neither of my parents could take care of me. We were only a few blocks down. I'm not sure why, but the memories of that day have been coming back to me and more vividly each time. I can recall being fetal position lined against the wall. Your daughter, my aunt, was the one who picked me up. You already know she was a New York City EMT, as well as her service during the attack. She escorted me to the medical van. I didn't get to enter before seeing the second plane hit. I can only see smoke now, the brilliant flash of orange and dark red, a fireball that was enveloped by smoke, and screams and panic. Im 27 and only able to conceptualize now, the fact that I watched hundreds of people die with my own eyes.

October Isnt terrible, but its cold. It brings me back to Melrose, South Bronx. My mother used to try and force some feigned happiness between her and her children. Everything she did was for show and tbh the hassle of getting dolled up in whatever costume she decided to put me in at the age of 5, made the shit more traumatizing than anything. Her birthday was last month but seeing as to how we don't talk at all anymore, or rather she denounced me as her son, these two months together kinda rub salt into an open wound. I can only recall the anxiety associated with her. Everything she wanted was a mandate. I realize now that I had no free will, opinion, choice, or respect when it came to my place under her. I have nightmares of her a lot now starting around 2 years ago. Im always running from her. Always hiding in some way or another. Always imprisoned or trapped, anxious or afraid.

December is most-likely the reason for that. I was 3. I don't remember shit from my younger years. I was always switching boroughs since I was a victim of a stupid ongoing custody battle for 10 years. Most of my time focus and energy by the time I was 3 was dedicated to raising my younger sister and brother. The thing is they weren't in the picture when this happened so I must've been just 1 and this would've been my first Christmas. We would've been living in Flatbush, Northside of Brooklyn, since that's were I was born. I can still generally remember the day decently well. My mom and dad weren't married long at all and when they were I could tell they weren't in love. The same way I feel around my mother is the same she felt around my father. That was obvious then and it is now. She cooked for my father and me and Im certain Brussel sprouts was in the food because it the one thing I wont eat besides olives and I remember your son bitching at me about it, to be respectful and grateful for the food my mom spent all day cooking. (He was decent on solemnly rare occasions). There always seemed like their was a static in the air that day and even now, I will never understand what it was... I just know that my first Christmas and my first exposure to domestic abuse was on the same night. Lights were up, there was a tree, there was my goldfish Elmo (sesame street was my shit), presents... all of it was destroyed by the end of the night. I unfortunately cannot escape the memories of seeing the different weapon, the rage and fear, the helplessness. My dad using anything he could to break down the door where me and my mother were behind to try and get to her. 1 year old me really tried holding the door back as if I could do shit.. it felt straight out of a fucking horror movie. I don't think Ive ever truly escaped that panic and fear. I can still recall my mothers bloodied face, bruised and bloodied body and her busted lip and tears as Brooklyn police took my father out in cuff. Nothing but wreckage and my futile attempts at consoling my mother by offering my teddy bear. I was never aware that that same exact abuse would be targeted at me.

While thats is probably the most tragic, unfortunately, Its very close with having unknowingly lost you in November so many years ago.

I apologise again, because I wasnt there in your final moments. I never thought the last time I would ever see you would be when I was 11 or that the last time I would ever hear your voice was when I was 13. Im convinced your son and daughter, my father and aunt, both very much hated me. Nothing else really seems to make sense. Everyone was aware except me. My brother and sister knew. My mother fucking knew and it feels like legitimately everyone held that information from me the whole time. I didn't know your last moments were spent bed ridden. I wasn't aware there severity of your mental condition and your overall health. No on told me you had passed. No one invited me or told me about the funeral, the burial service or the wake. My father had denounced me before that point sure, but to have been neglected in such a way as to deny me a chance to see you off, it kills me in ways I cant describe.

You have been the only woman in my entire life to show me unconditional and consistent love. You were the only one who allowed me to cry and to be aware of my depression instead of trying push it down. You were probably the only person who saw things for what they were, I was traumatized since 1, I was a parental child by 3, deeply traumatized by the age of 4 and suicidal since the age of 5. You saw how smart, loving, and full of light I was but also all the darkness around me. Spending nights under your care in Queens was probably the only time I felt safe and at peace in my forsaken childhood. You exposed me to arroz con leche. You put cinnamon sticks and nutmeg in it. Ive been in love since and if I had to think on it, its my comfort food and overall second favorite meal.

I felt safe snuggling in bed with you and watching Telemundo news and dramas even tho I never knew what they were saying. I can barely remember what you smell like anymore. Im starting to slowly lose sense of what your voice sounds like. Its getting harder to remember what you look like. Ill never forget your name though. Ill never forget the feeling of warmth and safety Ive felt in you arms and in your grace. Thank you for doing your best to protect me. Thank you for being the only person who was ever proud of me. Thank you for being the only one to see and accept me for everything I was and am. Thank you for being the only woman and the only person to love me with no condition, expectation, judgment, or sacrifice. Lastly, please forgive me for not being able to stop crying almost ten years after your death. Youre Johovahs witness so I know your up with Father God in your rightful place in heaven. You don't like Halloween at all, but you made Thanksgiving warm when I was blessed enough to share it with you.

Ill be alone for the holidays this year. I know at the very least you'll be with me so Ill try to cook something nice for us for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I at least want to make Arroz con Leche for you, by your recipe.

Abuelita, Grandmother Ilma. I miss you so much I want to fucking die. But I push on in your honor and love. Please continue to protect me, my love. Rest in peace and Heaven, my angel.

-With so many tears, sincerely Junior.

[solardick]

Hurry up and syart ww3 already. Instead of sissy slapping each other. Sanction this and sanction that. You think Iran goves a shit?

I want to watch a missile fly over canada and hit my apartment building.

We’re all peace and love bitch. But we’ll sanction youninto a suicidal depression if we font likebyou.

It’ll be just endless years going back and forwards as far as the eye can see. Nervous tension. In a system at the core and perimeter of existence.

Nervous system. Get it?

Stupid fucken pills dont even work.

Wow that demon that leapt in with my mother sure did fuck that family up. That added to the….. i hate my fathers family. They’re just i dont know off. Don’t know much at all about family. Not at all. Indont know any of them. My little brother some. There was some good bonding there. Litle sis too. But she only comes accompanied by a parent. The story goes

Like this. The cast away from the mother and the tragic death of a brother. Both narative drive together and merge into the offspring. Its collective karma. The chosen one, will bare all the weight of all their bs. Two naratives that flow togwther tangle together and create together something from them. This is not to be primarly thought of as genes. Or dna or whatever all that crap is. Its more of being beyond the physical. Maybe meta maybe no. No where near all that.

And the story goes quite literaaly as the cast away whi dies tragically. The fool from the father the arroganve from the mother.

And has nothing to do with me. I want it to go away. But. Sadly. Trajjixally as it is. Brushed off the shoulder cuz ya too much a pussy to own it.

Welcome to life mother fucker.

No one cares. No one knows you. And neither are you spart of the decisions for your life. Thats fantastic. The entire reality from birth on. What am i suposed to do with all of it. I can see all the “building” from media. How ot all flows together to mind control. Or more as in a means of a path from given asdociates that later play into life experiences. And then one has fate” wispering in your ear.

Four sibblings. Middle child. The dot in the center of five. The dot in the center is chaos. A dark reverberating orb. And is a phase. The cutting of. That which is past and future. Finally a girl!

Tarot card five is the pope. Two and two? One white priestess one black priestess. Or perhaps better termed the Hall. To russian its the tower.

Dont beleive ehat i say, o got that lying disease thing. Got a do it.

The chances of finding someone to share life with has gone down to about 5%.

🎶Im gonna be dead, im not surviving. Im gonna be dead. Im not…🎶

At least im not shitting mucous anymore. Still. My sanity is draining. Focus and attention. Gone. This keeps up. Im gonna need assisted living.

Lets see if i survive to my next birthday. Not even depression season yet.

Intellectual motivation gone. Esoteric motivation gone. External acheivemtnet motivarion gone. I wanted someone to do it with me. A fair delicate touch. The voice of command to subtlety. Becaus eif i do it. If i try to do it. Its not going to pan out. 30 years have taught me that. Locked out of life. Then i tried. And i got raped. So. I dont know if i want to try anymore.

Scorpio is nothing but criminal and bs. Iam a lesser person anyway. How ive always been treated. The quip sense of elation to superiority. Scorpio. Or simply hilding a power of someones soul. Gives a sense of grandeur. So ive seen.

Ive seen that expression often enough that theres an extended sense for it.

I dont know people. There zero life there. So much “energy” rippling through the consciousness. Not something i know. A functional relationship. Never had one really. Here and there perhaps. Ow everyone knows me for who there are. All holding inside information. Nothing is direct. Its too dangerous. You go for direct and they shot you down. They may attack you. Put themselves over me. Domination. Someone always has some heavy leaning of power when it comes to my person. Always. This is no different just a grandeur scale of what always was. They think the hold that power and they trip on it. But they don’t. Just pons.

Pons are maniacs. They kill or they sacrifice. Or they cockblock the king.

I used to go

Buy a dvd once teice a week and the guy in the store started stalking me. Shadowing me trying to seize an opportunity to exort his will over mine.

Some gay guy also started bashing me in. Because i didnt want him to blow me.

Wearing an hawieen shirt, i dont know how to spell it, and some fag basher started giving me a hard time by exerting his influence.

I can go on at length.

Playing hide and seek as a kid. Brother found me. But he prettended he didn’t. And he kept walking by. Did that a few times.

Ok ill stop……

Ive soemt everyday for most of my life fearing for my life. Now theyr trying to rob the rest of my life with more perversion. Ill mever know whatbits loke to be a person.

Well as weary as i am about the bible’s goal of passifying and subordinating mankind.

And it seems the only life i get to have is one of secrecy. Have to prevtend like i dont exist. Kept the evil at bay. And do nothing or ill be attacked for no reason. 40 years on the reveiving end of people eill to

Dominate. So i cant be a man. Because thats part and parcel of being one. Apparently. I dont know. Ive never been human. A reason why i have cock written on my forehead. Cuz thats all that matters. Thats all people

See of me. Eat the rooster. Call the sunrise. Bring a new day into the world. Apparently not. My day. They just seem to be sucking the brains out of my head. Makes me more malleable. Im not even allowed to learn how humans are like. Its just solitude and watrangement. Caus they all evil. And the good is juat absent.

But, i question somethign else. How does it work? Its like inhad the system. Whatever that is. Speaking through me to me. Prophetic intimate knowledge. As i walk through the valley and am touched by providence.

Providence is a word ive really ever used. Though it should have over the last several years. I can see how someone would say “its your higher self” whatever that means. But what about the providence. You cannot understand the pressence of an entity. Presence fits better. And then past that there a whole world pretending yo be it. And your like….. nothing.

[gaysexunfortunately]

something confessional 01.rtf

It’s been. I don’t know. Like two months sinc e I stopped taking wellbtrin. At one point this spring I just noticed my pill minder had like a 4 day backlog and I still felt fine as opposed to every other time I forgot my meds two days in a row and immediately wanted to kill myself. So I said fuck it and stopped taking wellbutrin. I made a deal with myself that I wouldn’t tell anyone for two weeks because I have a tendency to tell a bunch of people when I first start a project and then enver fllow through and it makes me feel like total shit and a fucking retard for ever saying anything. 

So like 5 days in I told Shannon that I had gone off the pills after consulting my psychiatrist and I couched it in that lie so she woulndt worry about me like she always does and I fucking hate it more than anything else when people WORRY about me. sinc e she thought I did it like a normal person would she was supportive which was nice and after that I don’t think I really said anything about it to anyone else for a while.

eventually I told my therapist who I don’t really like but I still keep seeing because I think people would be concerned if i stopped seeing her that I had gone off the m unsupervised or maybe I told the same lie because I just repeat the fucking lies I tell otherwise I know I’ll slip up and reveal the truth that’s behind all these small facades and diversins I maintain i n my everyday life for some fuckng reason so now she knows and the last person who doesn’t whwo “should” know is my actual psychiatrist who is some kind of hog from fenway health who prescribes me adderall which is the only drug other than estrogen I’m still taking.

I fucking hated taking the wellbutrin. and the hydroxyzine. and the folic acid. and my multivitamin. so many fucking pills just to make me function normal instead of lying in my bed all day thinking of creative ways I could paint my brains on a wall as a copiing mechanism for never being able to live up to the expectations I set for myself which is a problem costar predicted I had when I signed up for it recently. but I’d miss two doses in a row, or even one day’s dose, and 48 horus later I’d be horizontal, eyes fixed upwards, thinking about how it is not worth it at all to live a life where i have to take like six pills a day and inject shit into my thigh muscles once a week just to remain barely fucntional in the long run (adderall doesn’t count because it makes me feel like a god) and how I was going to have to do this routine for the rest of my life and every time i missed one pill I was going to have a day of feeling like this for the resto f my life.

im so fucking sick of seeing my therapist. i feel like ive done most of the work myself to get anything out of therapy which is probably to be expected because other people cant fix you but I feel like she hasnt even offered any ideas she just kind of mm-hmms me and sometimes tells me i forgot to zelle a copay and once every three months or so she brings up the time she was late to an appointment in 2019 and I tweeted “my therapist is 15 minutes late which is already making me feel a lot bnetter about myself” and I really wish she shouldn’t but much like flat out not going to therapy any more I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to hear about that any more.

and im on cypionate so therapy days are injection days which keep my internal clock pretty steady all things considered.

I don’t think you’re supposted to stop taking 300mg of wellbutrin cold turkey because your seasonal affective wore off but it’s worked out well for me so far. im alot more tired lately and find myself sleeping a lot but that’s sort of eased up in the last couple months but I find myself constantly fighting the urge to sort of slip back into the depressed sorry state I was in from before I started taking antidepressants. I had a really good day yesterday where I saw like four different friends over the course of the day and I felt really good and today I felt like shit and now I’m in bed drinking johnny walker and writing this. 

I think I maintain a facade of white lies to keep everyone around me from asking if I’m ok. I hate it when people ask if I’m ok. I feel guilty if I express how I really feel and they get concerned for me so I just tell them I’m fine and I”m plugging along doing what a normal human being should be doing like filing job applications and practicing bass guitar but ost of my free time I”m jsut fucking sitting in my room killing time because I”m scared of trying something and failing. And I was cool with that feeling on wellbutrin because I didn’t really get depressed about ityou know. But now I’m off it and I am fucking terrified. maube it’s because I stopped taking the anti anxiety pills too but I have been holding back the urge to cry and fantazise aboutall the cool ways I could kill myself like I used to from like 2010-2022.

I’ve never cried in therapy or in front of anyone really. I don’t like to show that weakness because when I did in childhood my parents would blame it on each other look what you did, you made him cry so I just tell my therapist “I want to get my money’s worth haha” like I’ll tear up or stay quiet for a while but I’ve never really broken down and sobbed infront of anyone. when my boyfriend would stay for the night in like 2019 and I had to cry I’d go to the bathroom and weep into a folded towel so I wouldnt make any or too much noise. 

I really don’t want to start taking antidepressants again. it’s like a compressor and it flattens out all the highs as well as the lows. I’ve had some good moments in the time since I stopped taking them and I think now that Im not smoking a ton of weed any more I actually have perspective on when things are good and bad and how much time has passed between those points. but I think I’m going to cointinue to make not a lot of noise. I don’t want anyone to ask me if I’m ok. 

[ur-a-banditlikeme]

ive seen other people talk about this, but it’s one of my biggest grievances about st4 so i need to rant about it; max deserved so much better this season.

throughout all of s4, it’s very obvious that max is very depressed and clearly not okay, and obviously i don’t expect any of the other characters to be mind readers but vecna targets her for a reason, and seemingly nobody cares about her or why she could be struggling except for lucas. (you could of course argue that there are worse things going on in hawkins at that moment that they needed to focus on, but still)

she kind of got the will byers treatment, where the group kind of just stopped caring about her after she escaped vecnas curse, as if she was now out of danger (which she obviously wasn’t). 

what confused me the most was the fact that nobody tried to stop her when she offered herself up to distract vecna. the only person who tried to stop her was lucas, but other than that, everyone was radio silent on trying to figure out a safer way to do things. i posted about this earlier but when nancy said she wanted to go back to the upside down, everyone freaked out and told her that it was too dangerous, but when max offered herself up everyone was just chill about it?? the only people that really cared about her this season were lucas, el, and erica.

it felt very ooc for them considering steve is literally known as the babysitter who would protect them from anything, but he said nothing either. and max knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she came up with that plan. she knew there was a very high likelihood of her dying. this is even confirmed when shes talking to vecna and tells him that she just wants him to take her away. that’s why she wanted to do this, she was so tired of living that she didn’t even care if she died in the process of this plan. she even said that she doesn't care what happens, as long as they just ‘don’t miss’. 

even when the plan comes to fruition, they just send lucas and max on their own with no back up?? obviously everyone was important in the overall plan, but if maybe robin had stayed behind to make sure they were okay, (because let’s be real, nancy and steve would’ve been fine on their own) none of this would’ve happened.

idk i just hope that in season 5 the group at least acknowledges the fact that they let her down and that they should’ve stopped her from doing that. the whole ‘2 days later’ bs was just not the move tbh. like max is quite literally on her deathbed and barely anybody seemed sad about it. even when the cali gang come back they only ask where lucas is?? like they know that max’s life was literally on the line which is the whole reason why el needed the tank but once they actually get back they don’t even seem concerned about her? and dustin just responds ‘oh you don’t know?’ like BRO BE A LITTLE MORE SERIOUS lol ur friend literally died and barely came back. max’s fate is literally the result of the whole groups negligence. (obviously it’s nobody’s fault the plan went to shit, but it still sucks that nobody seemed to care enough to stop her, or at least protect her a little better)

anyways the party never seems to really care about max (except for lucas) and im so sick of it she deserves so much better. rant over.

[mjulianwrites]

wip inspiration tag — next day after dawn

thank you max @goose-books for the tag!! the rules for this one are list as many inspirations/influences as you would like for your current work in progress, and explain how they’ve shaped your project!

next day after dawn (or, the project formerly known as historieswip) is a second word political fiction novel that's basically a mishmash shakespeare's histories with 90% less battle scenes and 90% more insane family dynamics. after everyone's favourite boyboss war criminal king gets deposed, his inner circle gets locked up by the new regime, and we follow them as they try to figure out what to do next and slowly drive each other insane.

tagging: @wren-is-writing @athenapollo @avi-why and anyone else who wants to do this!

henry vi part 3 (aka the whole wars of the roses tetralogy): there's a reason this project is just nicknamed historieswip. ohhhhh babygirl we got histories and i am not preserving shakespeare's timelines at ALL, i am just throwing those babies in a blender until i get 1. vaguely medieval english political structures 2. war with not-france 3. huge royal family with so much wrong with them. but from the henry vi plays specifically! this is where like half of the characters come from. the prince cyrus/cassandane/darcy dynamic is just the henry vi/margaret/suffolk love triangle, the house of lunares is the house of york: girlboss edition, and everything about the prince cyrus and mona dynamic comes from me Thinking about henry vi and richard iii foils moments. i could say more but we'd be here all day.

henry iv part 1 (and kind of 2): so. king cyrus is hal but that's also so mean to hal because king cyrus is SO much worse. however. he does have the hal backstory, by which i mean he was a rakish little alcoholic prince with a gay little boytoy until his dad died and then he had to get Serious and banish all his besties. and renan is his poins except if poins didn't get banished and stuck as the world's most depressed advisor faking respectability instead. ALSO kane my best friend kane is basically my hotspur <33

henry v: again, king cyrus is basically just henry v with the war crimes dialed up to 11. this one is the main inspiration for his conquering hero era and also the conflict with not-france and the not-french wife. it's also where i stole the title from!

king john: most of the histories i'm stealing from are at least like. connected to each other. king john is not but i love philip the bastard so fucking much so he's here (with extra transmasc aroace swag). that's helios — the war hero king's bastard who shows up to rise above his station and annoy everyone around him. and maybe be terminally loyal to a king who really doesn't deserve it

succession: the elevator pitch for this project is basically shakespeare's histories meets succession. specifically, season 1 episode 2 of succession, where the all-powerful patriarch is suddenly out of commission and maybe never coming back and the rest of the family is left losing their minds and wondering what the fuck they do now.

the hunger games: here's where i put on my clown shoes and admit that. um. you know how i said kane is hotspur. well he is but he's ALSO cato from the hunger games, as characterized in the criminally long fanfiction i wrote in middle school. and drea is um. clove. ANYWAY. thg is also an inspiration in terms of worldbuilding because i'm going for something kind of post-post-apocalyptic where there are vast disparities in technology in different parts of the country after decades of war and inequality. so we get modern tech plus medieval weapons, thank god.

darkling: this is partly a hatecrime against max my best friend max @goose-books because once upon a time i started jokingly shipping the two horrible old men in this book and then got so attached to the dynamic that i fully imported it into this project and made it canon gay. sorry bestie. but GENUINELY darkling is one of the best fucking books i've ever read and such a huge inspiration for how i do shakespeare retellings and also fucked up family dynamics.

gideon the ninth: this book is really nothing like gtn but i have to give it a shoutout because reading gtn was what inspired me to create this project! basically because i remembered how much i love ensemble casts and decided i wanted to write one. there are some similarities in terms of the vibe of everyone being locked in a big fucked up house together and everyone having super on the nose themed names but really just shoutout to tamsyn muir for being such a good writer that she made me want what she had (so many blorbos)

thank you for coming to my ted talk <3

[danepopfrippery]

What we do in the shadows rewatch part 4

The farewell needed its own recap. So i love how the super slumber send off basically begins with Nandor whining ‘i thought this was going to be more about me but whatever’ when Colin revealed he was crying cuz be thought Nandor was just avoiding his party.

Someone pointed out the last two seasons he and Colin Robinson spent a lot of time together. Im not sure if that was more friendship than connivence but they did. Colin was with Nandor when he seen his ghost off with John which was a pretty big moment. So for his last words to him to be basically hey this is my attention whoring time (even after being told it was Colin’s bday and previously roasting him to death that he didnt know his name) and Colin’s to be telling Nandor to eat shit (while correct) was really sad.

I think it also says how little thought vampires give to consequence. Laszlo couldnt even remember Nandor’s name when hed been gone a month. Must be a Liza Minnelli style coping mechanism. We werent told when Nandor joined up with Laszlo and Nadja, but it has been at least 200 years as they came to America with Simon the devious. Colin Robinson was said to have come with the house, and assuming he had some pre adult form that would be at least 80 years ago. So when he really thinks Guillermo will be around in 100 years it shows they just have no concept of actual time.

I think it could be said the whole arch of season 3 comes down to this ep with Nandor being a depressed weepy baby, and Colin dying but the others minus Laszlo not knowing it.

I have a new theory of little consequence: u know how some of these vampires look like that star trek guy? David Cross’ character is one. Hes said to have burned the library of alexandria (with another guy). So hed be quite old, probably 1000 minimum with Nandor being 700-750. Maybe as they age they get more alien looking? The barren was about this guys age and he didnt look well pre burnt. Sire is the oldest and is mentioned as having aged into that sad dog gargoyle form.

Another thought of no note: i want that woman’s red cape. God damn thats a cape!

Im also 100% convinced on rewatch the supreme vampires heard Nandor’s whining ie the dick thing was just to mess with him. Also loved Donal moaning about eternal life when he cant have been a vampire for more than 30 years. And while i know shes dead i am so waiting for at least a throw away line that theda bara was a real vampire in this world…or nadja in disguise.

A lot was made of Guillermos face during the dick squeezing. That was some funny shit. But Nadja had the same look. The Guide, unaware hes not dead, just seems down for the show.

Also other fans have noted and i want to know why too: the gloves? Guillermo puts them on to board up the room only then removes them. Is this a handyman thing i dunno or wtf is that about?!

At the banquet there are about 5 vampires for Colin’s bday. They arent mentioned beyond that. One looks very 1910s woman. Id wonder if that was his apparently still living mother, but in guessing not given she doesnt appear at the bedside. It was said they got the house (with Colin in it) from an acquaintance who is never named. Wonder if its any of these people.

And sorry Nandor, now its no longer about you.

Ive mused on what Laszlo knew in my previous rants. I maintain he genuinely knows no way out of this for him. I think this was one of the best twists ever. Laszlo has always been pretty much as Nandor ranted: lazy with a silver dick in his mouth (well not silver now ouch). He gave no fucks just literal ones. Hes been a fun ride for the past 2 seasons but beyond loving his wife and pitying Sean, he hasnt had much depth. This to me is reminiscent of that tho given his reason for killing Jesk all those lives is he makes Nadja cry, not that he cares she wants to bang him. Sean goes from ur wife should strangle u with ur own asshole to my stinky cheese. He actually cares about people around him rather he wants to admit it or not.

Colin is dull, but he drains to live not live to drain. Laszlo even let him think he was hanging with him cuz he was lonely with Nadja busy, not cuz he felt bad for him. Season 1 they cared so little about the man that came with the house they didnt know where his room was. Now when told hes dying everyone but Nandor is immediately upset.

Before the news their all ‘fuck that guy’ but given that news yeaaah they cared. They just dont like to show it. Guillermo probably interacts more with him than shown given hes a daywalker. And i think even tho Colin Robinson was being a smart ass with that ‘we’re all family’ line in the Casino ep, Guillermo actually said it first in the season premiere. Maybe Colin wasnt being smart…he just wanted to fit in being smarmy too.

Seriously Matt Berry prbly wins this season, and Laszlo is a teddy bear sorry bro. But u know…given the resolution of the ep…i think there may be a lot of Nandor regretting his behavior in the finale. He was always a teddy bear too and made a horrible mistake before realizing nope he dead. That will prbly shock him out of his whininess for the finale. And prbly is also what sends him on his eat, prey, love journey. Or at least inspires him to.

That also leaves fertile area for ghost Colin, as Nandor not being there prbly hurt him, it is unresolved. Plus the obvious fact he never learned how or why he was an energy vampire. If his mother is a dif form he may know thats coming, but she could also be a full vampire. We have no idea the rules here.

But man that fart laden death was hard. And a brilliant piece of writing to boot. Alright that concludes my recap…4 days to go!

[duskdragonxiii]

dusky in what ways do you think therapy would help q4?

I'll be honest i dont know the exact benefits of therapy ive only had counselling a couple of times bc it was free and i was on the brink but i do have so many many thoughts DJSKLBF

Every character in vanguard has thier own issues and while some of them are nuanced some of them are really really obvious

Aichi is very clearly depressed it's not even subtle and as someone who's been through situations that make Aichi's story relatable I think therapy is something he really needs but I've stressed before that Aichi even goes through relapses and such. Vanguard is what's helping him through it its the closest he's getting to therapy. Maybe it's from being bullied in school but Aichi has serious self esteem issues and the core of Vanguard is imagining yourself as the best version of yourself- It's really not a subtle message. Kai brought him into the world of Vanguard and it completely changed his life. Slowly but surely. Even his family note how happy he becomes after getting into vanguard and meeting Kai again. The development on aichis part is really slow but in fairness depression is just like that.

Misaki canonically has PTSD after the death of her parents (this was more severe in V series but at the same time it felt really brushed over which is a real shame) and similar to Aichi was depressed and had little interest in anything before being dragged kicking and screaming into a game she was so scared of. Once again Vanguard is the key to getting through- not over- her issues and she's far happier with her life now.

Kamui is easy to overlook bc he's younger and isn't as clearly distressed as the rest of the team but I think he has serious social issues. He's a popular kid among his peers and he thrives on enthusiasm but he's also vulnerable in his own way. He's intimidated by change and finds it hard to understand other people I think. He has a hard time feeling he belongs with people. One of those people who has so many friends but rarely lets any of them close. He found where he belongs in Q4 and thats why when he finds Kai hard to deal with he finds is especially hard. It's really hard to say what Kamui's issues are tbh but I don't doubt therapy would benefit him too. (I hc he has adhd and dyslexia but that's more of a me thing) Kai in particular has serious issues with running and hiding from his problems. He acts all cool in order to push people away. Obviously he's already fucked up from his parents death and the first person who got him to open up after that was of course Ren (and Tetsu) unfortunately as a result he didn't realize how high a pedestal he was putting Ren on that it absolutely shattered him when Ren turned out to not be the person he had been in his imagination (Don't give me any of that he changed bc of psyqualia thing, that's a metaphor and you know it and you're missing the whole point) and instead of trying to accept Ren as he was he ran away. This is addressed again in the Psyqualia Aichi arc when Aichi starts to get lost in his own power- giving Kai the painful reminder when once again someone he's connecting to might not be the flawless and innocent person he imagined them to be. The difference is, Aichi brought him close to a whole lot of other people and Aichi himself made him realize that he can't keep running and that's what brings him to his senses and able to face it.

Not Q4 but relevant; Ren has abandonment issues probably due to his shitty parents (although this is only really established in V series where things are quite different but i still think that's the case in the og) so when Kai didn't approve of his new self and worst of all walked away without even saying goodbye it sent him over the edge and he became the nasty and aggressive cardfighter we know him as in season 1- all because he wants Kai to come back to him. He has a single minded OBSESSION with Kai that's really not healthy- and while after season 1 he starts to get better he never truely lets go.

Kai and Ren could BOTH get over their issues if they would just talk about it but unfortunately they both have issues with communication that make it impossible- hence why cardfight is so important to them now. with thier imagination and putting thier true selves in this game it gives them something in common and a way to communicate through all the issues they have with eachother and at the end of LM though it's been really slow its clear that they ARE healing. It may sound silly, but Kai making an off comment about how he doesn't like the way Ren is dressed is a BIG thing for him. I could analyse this moment till the cows come home because its the first time Kai manages to express himself with words, clumsy as it is. What "I don't like the old you" really means below the surface is I know and accept that you have changed. And Ren's playful response being "Then you like me as i am now?" while he is being playful that in itself means I'm still not the person you want me to be I will never be that again but I'm happy that you can finally see me as I am. It's really important to me....

Anyway Sorry for this ramble i really feel strongly about cfv LOL welcome to my KaiRen agenda--

[whump-town]

Moments Too Late

In honor of spending too much time on my own Universities quad because of the nice weather (which is promptly going to shit because it’s going to be cold again Monday) and because of @olivinesea college AU I give you...

The false promises of March lure them from the comforts of their dorms. Each morning now a little warmer, the sun beaming down forgiving and loving as it’s not the quiet time for it to swelter down great beams of heat that melts clothes off the skin off muscles off bones. Today it heats the ground, enough to encourage them out of their shoes to feel the still slightly chilled nature of the not yet up to pace earth beneath their toes.

Derek laughs deeply, unabashedly as he chases Spencer along the grass. Seemingly all the more pleased the louder he can get the younger boy to screech in terror as Derek pins his thin arms in contorted positions as they wrestle. The only mediation, the only warnings they get, comes when JJ looks up from her textbook. More often to tuck strands of hair behind her ears than to break from her reading. “Don’t hurt him, Derek,” she warns. Not because she’s afraid he will but to continue these halves of theirs. Where she stands to allow Spencer this idea that she will step in if need be.

“The winter,” Emily says softly. “I think the winter depresses him.” She’s laid out on the jacket Dave spread out on the ground before them. He’d given a little “hmph” of disapproval but not altogether displeasure when she laid herself out on it. Her legs break out in rashes and the shorts she’d chosen to wear leave her too exposed to rest comfortably in it.

Dave rests back on his elbows, chest lifted to take in all the rays of the sun that he can. He cracks open his left eye, scowling over at her as he processes what she’s just said. The raised eyebrow of doubt -- of further need for contemplation and clarification on the generally just vague statement she’s just made -- goes unnoticed as she watches Aaron. Dave’s eyes follow suit and while he might not understand the full complexity of what it is that she means, he might be able to gather what she sees.

“Winter depression?” he whispers. There’s no way that Aaron could be anything but… well, Aaron. By definition, that means dark and spirally with a complexity not a single soul, at least Dave suspects, knows him in his entirety. They are all bound by bits and pieces, half-truths that they have put together like children and those little cheap boxes that are covered half-hazardously in Elmer’s glue and macaroni shells.

Aaron lays out on his back, eyes closed and more relaxed than they’ve ever seen him. Shoulders sinking into the ground and limbs open. His ankles set aligned with his hips and shoulders. Palms up, a sunflower turned to face the warmth. He can feel the heat crawling up his body, nearly too warm with the sweater on his arms and the jeans that don’t quite fit the length of his legs. Softly, he clears his throat doesn’t even bother cracking an eye open as he says, “the word the two of you are looking for is seasonal and I’m not, nor have I ever been, depressed.”

Though Dave shoots Emily a look that says it all -- leave resting snakes to lie, don’t poke a bear you’re not ready to kill -- she sits up and observes him further. Letting his head thud against the dirt, Dave lets her poke that hornet’s nest knowing he’ll be the one to soothe Aaron’s buzzing anxiety and pull the stingers from Emily’s skin.

“You locked yourself in your room for two weeks,” she reminds him. As if she wasn’t the dead girl in the freshmen dormitory wrapped around a toilet and sent to the emergency room where they know her by name. Where they take turns picking her up in the lobby, waving to the doctor’s as she signs out against their advice with her arm still bleeding where she pulled too harshly, too angrily at the IV snaked under her flesh. Who is she to point fingers at his oddity? At least he can go a weekend without visiting the bottle.

The two weeks in question were from hell. He’d been with them Tuesday, present in a way that they reflected on as oddly so. They also thought he’d killed himself, a theory started by JJ too good to pass up so their application might be flawed. For two weeks, there was nothing but radio silence from him. His dorm was empty and they couldn’t even find him in the library, a place they more often than not have to drag him from.  He didn’t show up until Thursday, so he was actually gone for sixteen-days, and looked like maybe he had died and dragged his corpse all the way back to them.

Not yet adults and very much the children raised by their parent’s hips, how could they not think in the extremes that they have known their entire lives? Too young to know the complexities of the life ahead of them but too damaged to ignore it. JJ knows what her sister did and Derek could feel his father’s blood hardening on his hands, could understand and see what JJ was telling them.

One. Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself; Eyes closed and back sinking further and further into the blankets behind him. Nearly unaware of how close they all are, of the hand on his knee or the shoulder on his hip. “It would be nice… I think,” he whispers. “No stress. No obligations. Like sleeping.” He doesn’t sleep well.

Two. Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose; The warmth of his eyes has frozen over, the helpless desperation that he feels bubbling over. The carefully orchestrated faux look he’s spent years building burns at his feet. Leaving behind the broken child that he is at his core, searching for something that makes sense. For a father that loves him and a mother that protects him. “It doesn’t matter what I do,” he rasps. “Nothing matters because all I do is fuck everything up.”

Three. Sleeping too little or too much; He pulls from the hand that JJ gently reaches out with, flinching. “I -- I just don’t sleep well,” he defends, avoiding her eyes when she tries to look harder. To really see how pale he’s become. “It’s just -- just insomnia.” Nightmares are what he means but twenty-year-olds shouldn’t have that kind of horror built up into them so he lies. It’s easier that way.

Three strikes. You’re out but… they just couldn’t find a body. Dave had told them about how old dogs will drag themselves away from their homes to die and Spencer had cried for hours after that. Maybe that seemed a little too on the nose, Aaron being compared to an old beaten dog. They yelled at Dave out of fear but knew he was right.

Then Aaron just showed up to campus Thursday, a lump of human underneath his comforter as if he’d been there the entire time.

“We couldn’t find you for two weeks, Aaron. That’s -- That’s crazy, even for you.”

JJ looks up from her textbook, sees Dave, and looks back down. She’s certain that they’re about to have to deal with one of Emily and Aaron’s nuclear fallouts.  With hindsight, she can see how that’s been festering up. Every semester they have one of these martial spats, bad enough to leave Spencer (who loves nothing more than to be one of their shadows) afraid to be left alone with either for a few days. Rightfully so, Aaron gets a little dark and Emily never pulls her punches, it’s a scary thing to witness.

“My father died.” The group freezes for a moment. Spencer and Derek’s wrestling had died down, both watching Aaron and Emily. He’s sitting up now, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “My father died and it wasn’t any of your business.” Emily opens her mouth but he’s shaking, having opened something not so easily contained. He doesn’t know how to put it all back. “Sean called, what was I to do, Emily? Would you prefer I tell a scared nine-year-old to fuck off?”

He wanted to. Despite how scared Sean had been, how small he’d sounded sucking in little sobs. Aaron lost his father ten years ago but he couldn’t tell Sean that. He’d gone out of obligation and the strange weighted sense that this might be the last time he truly sees his little brother. And he couldn’t know it yet but it’d be the last time he saw his mother too.

“I wasn’t out mixing my name up with Jack Daniels.”

Well…  it was only a matter of time.

She stands first, fist clenched at her sides. “We’re your friends, we would have been there. You’re just too much of an insufferable bastard to notice!” She seethes good and properly angry. Misplaced but firm. “If you spent half as much time locking yourself away, pretending to be someone you’re not--” She pulls in a deep shuttering breathe. “Everyone knows, you know? All of us. We’ve seen the scars.” She’s not sure if it’s what she wanted but he flinches as though he’s been hit and that’s not enough to stop her. “Do you think we wouldn’t notice the flinching? That we can’t touch you? You’re not as good as you think you are, Aaron, and we’re not stupid.”

Silence.

Emily always knows what to say.

“Ex-Excuse me.”

Penelope comes up just as Aaron’s stumbling to his feet, pale as a ghost and trembling. He nearly runs into her. “What’s--” she’s brought them snacks. Little pieces of fruit she’s painstakingly cut for this little snack. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head and mumbles another “excuse me” and tears past her.

Penelope looks hopelessly at them, confused and hurt. She turns, watching Aaron stagger and wipe furiously at his eyes. “What… What did you do?” She looks back and forth, settling on Emily. Penelope watches tears gather in Emily’s eyes, her lower lip trembling.

“Oh God,” she whispers, hands raising to her lips. Emily looks over at Dave and to JJ, Spencer, and Derek still watching in terror. Her own words coming back to her, funneling through moments too late. “Oh God, what did I do?”

[themortifyingordealofbeingloved]

back on my bullshit yet again ive held off posting since i started season 5. im on 164 rn. anyway so i have like. a shit ton of thoughts on 161-163.

okay. when 161 started and i realized what exactly was going on i literally had to pause and take a sec. like i haven’t heard sasha’s voice in FOREVER. them giving jon a surprise birthday party is so soft. man should’ve appreciated them more when he could i hate to say it. elias not being subtle lmao. also him calling jon the archivist during the happy birthday song was a nice touch. also outside of the tapes but the very casual i love you from jon to martin excuse me??? how long has it BEEN exactly?? more on them later though i have a LOT to say.

alright 162 right off the bat gerry and gertrude have such a great dynamic i love it lmao. honestly so far he seems like the only person she actually cares about. and SPEAKING OF GREAT DYNAMICS, sasha and tim??? excuse me please??? like i knew there had been something between them but we’ve never had a one on one interaction i appreciate them so much more now. like hes so supportive of her career (honestly, are you even friends with a will-they-won’t-they storyline if you don’t threaten to murder the person that got the job instead of your friend?; that sentence makes no sense whatsoever but who cares). we have been absolutely robbed of their content anyway.

and this leads to me to a thing that i talk about quite often: jon and martin. alright so this is like. god well it’s certainly something isn’t it. so i have no idea how platonic this little arrangement is but i CAN confidently say it isnt the healthiest. martin is trying his best, and i honestly believe that he does love jon, but jon has to WORK for it. he cannot keep taking this for granted. or maybe he can, what do i know. but anyway. jon is being depressing (which i guess i can’t blame him for but onto my next point) while martin is trying his absolute hardest to make it a little less horrible. good for him though in 163 saying that jon couldn’t just dump all of the depressing things he Knows™ onto him. i said that they needed to stop liking the idea of each other and i stand by that so this is good but like. there is some definite work that needs to be put into this and im gonna be honest as much as i love jon a lot of it has to come from him. the monologue he had in 162, the whole rotting heart one, does not paint a very nice picture on the way he views the arrangement between himself and martin. i don’t even know how to verbalize this right, this is so frustrating. but to say it very simply, what i am really TRYING to say is that i think that while martin is trying, jon is using that to make things more bearable without feeling anything, at least to the magnitude that martin does, in exchange. god i don’t know just some thoughts. might go back when im done with tma and start a tag of my rants on it