#let me do nothing because ive had to do school a lot

[doctorwhoisadhd]

im Posting today clearlyq

[olivexii]

⁀➷ ┄─ ˑ IV . ☆ ──ㅤ Knee Socks

Joseph Descamps x reader

Chapter 4

Masterlist

Warnings: Smoking

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

“What’s going on between you and Descamps?” Simone asked me as we walked to school. The weather was worse than the last couple of weeks, clouds looming over and turning everything gray.

“What do you mean?”

“Some people saw you walking with him after school yesterday.”

“Oh right. I didn’t have an umbrella, so he let me use his. There’s nothing going on.” I reassured her.

“Good. Stay away from him, he’s bad news.” Michèle warned as we neared the school, pupils now flooding around us.

I didn’t respond to them, only focusing on not walking into someone. Simone was looking off towards Jean-Pierre, I guessed she was happy that he only got off with a warning, but there was something else in that look.

“Why are you looking at Jean-Pierre like that?” I whispered so Simone so Michèle wouldn’t hear.

“W-what?”

“You’re looking at him funny.”

“I’m not.” She stuttered out, a mix of happiness and concern on her face as she looked between me and the older boy.

“Do you like him?”

“Do I like him? I’ve barely spoke to him why would I like him!” She whispered.

“You compared him to Alain Delon the other day.”

“Yeah but… Just don’t tell anyone, please.” She turned to look at me, holding her pinky out.

“I wouldn’t do that to you.” I replied connecting our fingers.

“Thank you Y/N.” She smiled.

As we walked past Jean-Pierre and his friends, Simone kept turning around and smiling at him, Michèle completely oblivious.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The previous week we had been doing multiple, beginning of term tests. Revision for it took up most of my time, meaning I hadn’t been able to go out a lot, only rarely for errands.

“Laubrac, some progress. That’s 4.” The teacher said as he handed the marked tests back. Most of the class laughed at this, while some remained silent.

I averaged in most classes, earning between 12-15, which I was proud of considering I didn’t really pay attention in some of the classes.

Annick usually scored higher than everyone, as well as Felbec. They both always came top of the class. Descamps however, didn’t do as well, scoring around 7 or 8 on every test.

The teachers forgave him though, considering he had lost an eye and experienced trauma. The bandage was soon replaced with a brown eye patch, which suited him more.

The next class I zoned out in, watching as the rain dropped down the window and made a soft patting sound.

“You are all going to prepare a presentation, but in pairs.”

My head snapped towards the teacher at this. Presenting in front of a class, especially with boys in the room, is horrible.

“I’m going to be picking these pairs, because if you were to work with your friend, you will get nothing done.” The teacher says as he looks towards Descamps and Dupin, who just laughed in response.

“Every pair of students will then present their work to the class.” I internally groaned at this, anxiety already building up inside of me. The teacher then began listing names off of the register.

“Sabiani and Pichon?” This pair made the class laugh, especially the boys in the back corner of the room, knowing they were going to bully Pichon because of it.

“Hey look, Pichon’s blushing. He’s turned pink like a pig!”

“That’s enough, Dupin.” The teacher called, sounding fed up of them.

“Do we have to work together in pairs, sir?” Annick raised her hand, Pichon looking at her in sadness.

“That’s the whole point of this exercise, and most importantly, your pair’s average, will be your grade.”

He then continued to rattle off some more names. Michèle was partnered with a random boy, and Simone was partnered with Applebaum.

“L/N and Descamps?”

I internally groaned again at this, picking at my fingernails before slowly looking back at Descamps. He had a small smirk plastered on his face, looking at Dupin before turning to look at me.

I wasn’t happy to be working with Descamps, knowing I would probably be the only one getting work done. But I wasn’t disappointed either, this way I get to know him a bit more.

“How does that sound?” The teacher asked happily once he had partnered everyone up.

Nobody replied, some looking at their partner and smiling while others just faces the front, not amused.

The bell rang, and everyone scrambled to grab their things.

“I feel sorry for you Y/N, having to work with Descamps. Surely you can ask to change?” Simone said as we walked down the school stairs, heading for break.

“I’m sure it will be fine. He won’t do any work anyway, so I can do the presentation on whatever I want.” I smiled back.

“Yeah, I guess that’s an advantage.” Michèle shrugged as we went to sit down on the benches outside.

“Me and Simone are going to ask if we can work together. We don’t really feel comfortable working with a boy after what happened a couple of weeks ago.” Michèle said, fiddling with her hands on her lap.

“I don’t blame you, I don’t feel comfortable either but, it’s either Descamps or a random boy I don’t know.” I shrugged and they agreed with me.

Michèle starts talking, while Simone smiles, looking into the distance. I look in the direction she is, and Jean-Pierre is walking towards us, a book in his hand.

“Here, this is yours.” He says to Michèle, holding it out to her, “I put it in my bag by mistake.”

“Thanks.” The girl smiles.

“Bye then.” He walks away abruptly, Simone’s smile fading when he didn’t even glance at her.

“English isn’t the problem for me, it’s maths.” Michelè begins to rant, “I got three out of twenty on the last test.”

“Three out of twenty isn’t so bad.” Simone sighs, still looking at Jean-pierre. I nudge her slightly with my elbow, smiling.

“L/N. Can we talk?” A voice comes from behind. All three of us turn around at the same time. Descamps is stood there, not looking at the other two, just me.

“Uhm sure.” I say wearily, looking at the other two girls, who are just glaring the boy down. He starts to walk away, and I stand up to follow him, leaving my bag with the two girls.

Once we made it a fair distance from Simone and Michèle he turns to me, leaning his back against the wall that we walked towards.

“We’ll have to go to your place, for the project.” He says, not looking at me, just pulling a cigarette and lighter out of his pocket.

“Why mine?” I ask, pulling my cardigan closer to my body, the September air hitting me.

“Because we can’t go to mine.” He blows smoke, looking straight ahead.

“Why?”

“Because. We can’t go to mine.” He says more sternly this time.

“We can’t go to mine either.”

“Why not?” He turns to me.

“My brother, he doesn’t like it when I have boys in the house. My mother is the same.” I cross my arms over my chest and look up at him.

“What? What if you tell them it’s for a school project.”

“I don’t know how they’ll feel.” I shrug.

“Oh well. Meet me after school. We can go straight to yours.” He turns away to take another drag of his cigarette and blow the smoke away from me.

“Okay, by the school gates?”

“Yes.”

I nod at him awkwardly.

“Is there anything else you wanted to say, or is that it?” I ask him, tilting my head.

He hesitates for a moment, before mumbling that he had nothing else to say, and walks off towards his friends.

I stand there for a few seconds, watching him, before turning on my heel and walking back towards the two girls on the bench.

“What was that about?” They asked once I had sat down.

“Nothing, just the project.” I shook my head, still thinking about the interaction.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Like he said, Joseph was sat on a wall by the school gates, smoking again. As I approached him he turned to me and threw the cigarette away, stomping on it once he had came down from the wall.

“Sorry if you waited long, I was talking with Simone and Michèle.”

“It’s fine, had the chance to have a cigarette anyway.” He nodded, “Are we going?”

“Yeah.”

Everyone had left by now. The streets were silent except for the occasional rumble of a passing car.

“So, what did you want to do the project on?” I asked, turning to him as we walked up my street.

“Not sure, you can figure that out.” He replied, looking between his feet and the street ahead.

“Okay. Are you going to do anything in this project?”

“If you tell me to.” He replied, smirking at the ground.

“Descamps you have to do something, it can’t just be me that would be unfair.” I said when we approached my house.

“I will do something. I’ll be emotional support for you.”

“Oh, as if you know what emotional support is.” I laughed, opening the door, “Michael!”

My brother came out from the kitchen as we stood in the doorway.

“This is Descamps. We have to do a project for French.” I told him.

“Why are you with a boy?” He asked, chewing on an apple.

“We got paired up by the teacher.” I shuffled on my feet, gripping my bag tighter.

“Right, okay. Keep your door open and both of you don’t sit on the bed at the same time.” Michael replied, pointing his finger between us as he glared Descamps down.

“Yeah I know.” I sighed and walked past him, Descamps closing the front door and following.

“Door open!” My brother called as we walked up the stairs.

“I know!”

As I walked into my room, setting my bag down on a chair, taking my cardigan off and putting it on the back of the chair as well. Joseph stood in the doorway, looking around.

“What are you doing?” I asked, turning around to him and leaning my hand on my chair.

“You live here?”

“Yes…”

“You look like you do.” He said, taking his jacket off.

“Is that supposed to be an insult?” I took his jacket off of him and hung it on a hook with my cardigans.

“No.” He replied simply, turning around to slightly shut the door, leaving about a 4 inch gap.

“So,” He turned to me, “What do you want to do the project on?”

“Camus?”

“Sounds good.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

After about 15 minutes of me researching books and writing notes, Descamps finally spoke up.

“Why do you hang around with Michèle?” He said, leaning against the headboard of my bed.

“What?” I replied, sitting on the floor and leaning against the bed frame, open books scattered around me.

“I don’t get why you like her so much.”

“She’s my friend.”

“She’s an attention seeker. You don’t deserve to be around people like that.”

“She’s not an attention seeker.” I sigh, looking up at him and putting down the book I was holding.

“Did you see the way she was dressed on the first day.”

“It was a hot day. Anyway you could have ignored her but you decided to pour water all over her.”

“She’ll get over it.” He said, sitting up more and looking away from me.

I continue to look at him before picking up the book and going back to reading.

“He only got off with a warning.”

“Hm?” I hummed, not looking up from my book.

“Jean-Pierre. He only got off with a warning, while I’m stuck with an eye patch for the rest of my life.”

I turn around fully to face him, leaning my arm on the top of the bed by his legs.

“Yeah it’s not fair, I get that. You have every right to be mad at him. Besides, you look cool with an eye patch.”

“You think?” He turns to look at me, smiling and sitting up more.

“Yeah, it suits you.”

He laughs and gets up from the bed, moving a few books to the side to sit next to me on the floor.

“You should sit on the bed for a bit, the floor can get uncomfortable.”

“Won’t you be uncomfortable though?”

“No, I’ll be fine.” He shook his head and looks down at his lap.

“Thank you.” I say, putting my hand on his shoulder to pull myself up and going to lean against the wall, my legs now a few inches away from the back of his head.

“Is there anything I could do?” He says, turning around to look at me.

“Umm… I guess you could make a few notes on the context of L'etranger. I was going to do that next anyway.” I replied, sitting up and leaning down to pick up a book and give it to him.

He takes the book as I stand up. Walking over to my desk to get a pen and some paper for him, I feel his eyes following me. I smile slightly and turn around.

“Here.” I say, handing him the stuff.

“Thanks.” He takes them and opens the book.

I go to sit down next to him on the floor, picking up my own book and carrying on reading.

“Aren’t you going to sit on the bed?” He turned to me.

“I’m making sure you don’t mess the project up. It goes towards my grade as well.” I reply, leaning my head against my bed frame.

“R-right.” The boy says, maintaining eye contact with me but not saying anything else.

“Y/N?” I hear from down the corridor, my mother’s footsteps becoming louder, before she enters the room. “Your brother said you’re working on a project with a boy.”

“Y-yes. This is Joseph Descamps.” I say, sitting up straight.

Descamps stands up and goes to shake my mother’s hand, “Hello.”

“Are you staying for dinner?” She asks.

He turns to look at me questioningly, and I give him a nod.

“If that’s alright.” He looks back around.

“Yes that’s fine. It’s nice to know Y/N is actually making friends and she’s not just hauled up in her room like she always is.”

I feel my face turn red at this and rest my head against the palm of my hand. Joseph turns around laughing at me, putting his hands in his pockets as my mother walks away.

“I like her.” He carries on laughing as he goes to sit down next to me, closer this time.

My face goes even redder at the close distance between us, and I try to distract myself by reading.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“So, Joseph, have you lived here for a while?” My mother asks, trying to break the silence around the table while we eat.

“Yeah, my whole life, in two different houses though. The first one was just outside of the city, but now I live a few streets down from here.” He replies after swallowing a mouthful of carrots.

“That’s nice. I’m guessing you like it here then.”

“Yeah, sometimes.” He replies, before turning his head to me, asking me to say something so he could get a break.

“How was work?” I ask my mother.

“It was alright, a lot of customers at the shop.”

I nod, not knowing what to say next. My brother, sat across from Joseph doesn’t say anything, just eating his food and staring down the boy across from him, making the whole situation more awkward.

When we had finished eating, I took all of the plates to the kitchen, offering to help my mother clean up.

“Should I go pack away the books upstairs?” Joseph asks me.

“Yeah, thank you. I think we’ve done enough for today.” I smile, which he returns and starts making his way up the stairs.

I clean everything up for a few minutes before making my way upstairs. Descamps is sat down, stacking all of the books neatly at the foot of my bed.

“Thank you.” I smile at him.

He looks up at me standing over him before holding his hand out to me. I take it and pull him up.

“I should probably get going now, it’s getting dark.” He says, walking past me to my door and taking his coat off the hook.

“I’ll walk you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I have nothing better to do.” Walking to grab my cardigan, I notice it’s not in its usual place, placed on the seat of the chair instead of the back of it. Weird.

I put it on anyway and turn to Joseph, who’s stood watching me.

“C’mon.” He says, and walks out of my room. I smile at him behind his back.

Once we made our way downstairs we go to my mother.

“Thank you for the meal madam.” Descamps says as he sticks his hand out towards her.

“You’re welcome. You’ll have to come over again, I have a lot more questions to ask you.” She smiles, shaking his hand as he laughs.

“Let’s go before it’s dark.” I tell him, smiling at my mother as I gently grab the boys arm and walk towards the door.

We exchange goodbyes, and as soon as I close the door behind me I let out a sigh.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“Are you sure.” He says, stepping towards me.

“I’m sure. Let’s get going, it’s getting dark.”

“Want to get rid of me that easily?” He smiles.

“Yes.” I say sarcastically, laughing as we start to walk.

After a few minutes I notice we had gotten closer to each other, our shoulders almost touching. I look up at him, admiring his face underneath the golden street laps. Why is he so horrible to Michèle, but completely fine with me?

The boy turns to look at me, and I quickly look away, now focusing on my shoes as he laughs quietly to himself.

“This is my house.” He says and stops outside of a brown door. He turns to me, not saying anything.

“Oh, you don’t live that far away.”

He shakes his head, still looking at me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I start, not knowing what else to say.

“See you tomorrow.” He replies, smiling as he goes to open his door.

Quickly, I stand on my toes and kiss his cheek before quickly turning around and walking away, not wanting to see how he reacted.

After walking a few feet, I turn my head back, and he’s still stood there looking at me, hand on the doorknob, and a blush on his face.

I smile to myself and carry on walking home.

└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘

A/N: how on earth do i put a submission box on my profile i don’t know how to use tumblr 😭

[these-posts-arent-real]

(masterpost link)

Aaand we have returned to the madness on a larger scale! What are these cats up to...

#sighh #i know i've been away from dash sim posting for a while #was dealing with my last few days of school #but #that is Over Now #i can return to fulfilling everyone's need for Warrior Cats But Tumblr

57 notes

🐦 s3afow1s--sc0wl Follow

PLEASE stop talking about the most recent TTDV slates without spoilers, it hasn't made its rounds to ShadowClan yet and I don't want to know what's going to happen before I read it!!!!

#ttdv discussion #ttdv:rp #through the desert vast #ttdv: rattlesnake path #ttdv #through the desert vast: rattlesnake path #especially since i heard the newest slates have seafowl in them a lot #he's my specialest guy...

9 notes

🔁 🛤 carnation-stem-02 reblogged

🍲 ex-thundrclan-kipper Follow

I think the worst thing about no longer being a Clan cat is that a lot of the time I have no idea what y'all over there are talking about. What is TTDV?

🦁 lionsight-x3 Follow

TTDV stands for Through the Desert Vast. It's a new slate series everyone's going bee-brained over... I haven't read it yet because I prefer for a series to be finished before reading, but I've heard good things. Queer rep within the first couple chapters of the first slate-set, a non-traditional setting and cast (a rogue group living in the desert), and complex characters... needless to say I'm excited for when it finishes and I can read it!

#it's been on my to-read list for a while #maybe this is a sign #it seems pretty cool #ttdv

2,070 notes

🔁 🐦 s3afow1s--sc0wl reblogged

⛰️ fc-rockpaint Follow

In honor of Through the Desert Vast becoming popular, I've decided to make a rock-dye project on all of the main characters. Today's character is... Seafowl!

Unfortunately I don't have the right paints to portray him accurately (I haven't been able to find any white herbs for his patches, but I'm still on the lookout!) but this is mostly accurate to how he is described in the slates.

🌠 nightshade-tast3s-yummy Follow

Pssst... @s3afow1s--sc0wl

#eeeek! seafowl! #i looove him so much... my precious boy... #art #ttdv #ttdv seafowl #thanks for the tag!

162 notes

🔁 🌻 l1llyst3m reblogged

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

Aahhhh I've finally gotten into TTDV and... NOBODY was gonna tellme that one of the characters is heavily implied to be transfem? Nobody thought I'd find this interesting????

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

SCRATCH THAT. IT'S CANON. PIT VIPER IS CANONICALLY TRANS.

🐚 hermitcrabfriend Follow

I had wondered if you were talking about Pit Viper when I saw this post a cople days ago! Apparently so ^w^ yeah, it's canon, gets confirmed in the second slate set.

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

This makes me wonder. Why is everyone on this site talking about Seafowl saying he gives "egg vibes" when we have. An actual confirmed trans character. Right here.

Nothing against Seafowl but the only vibe he gives off to me is traumatized.

🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow

He's your typical prettyboy cishet protagonist type and everyone is pissed off that he's a side character rather than ttdv's ✨️specialest boy✨️. So they're trying to make him special by claiming he gives off trans vibes when he clearly does not and is happy as a tom.

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

#wait till op reads rattlesnake path

What do you mean by that-

#what do you MEAN by that— #im gonna need context #is this /pos or /neg #does something bad happen in rattlesnake path?? #help someone pls #through the desert vast #ttdv

103 notes

🔁 🥬 rxttencatmint reblogged

🥬 rxttencatmint

Im so fucking irritated... my mom wont let me read TTDV because it's "inApPrOpRiAtE." Which. Of course. Is because it has lgbtqia+ characters.

🥬 rxttencatmint

WONDEDFUL NEWS. MY MENTOR LET ME BORROW HIS COPY OF THE FIRST SET. AHHHHH!!!!! I GET TO READ IT!!

#YIPPEEEEE #òwó im so exCITED!!! #ive been wanting to read ttdv for a whileee #i love my mentor sm

5 notes

🪵 i-eat-moss Follow

My unpopular opinion (TTDV:RP SPOILERS INCOMING)

Keep reading

#ttdv:rp #ttdv #rattlesnake path spoilers #ttdv spoilers #ttdv:rp spoilers #nothing against pit viper!!! #i like her as a character #i just dont get why we got a whole book explaining her backstory

203 notes

🐚 hermitcrabfriend Follow

I LOOOOVE RATTLESNAKE PATH SO MUCH. IVE JUST GOTTEN TO READ IT AND IM SO EXCITED. OMG.

Not only is it a whole set dedicated to my favorite character !!! like a dream come true!!! It ALSO contains good intersex rep (Ball Python my beloved!!!). Over all just a FANTASTIC set in a fantastic series.

12 notes

🌱 dirtdigger-23 Follow

I'm... back?? I'M BACK ON CLANBLR!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO

#i thought i'd never get back #stuck on Tumblr...

0 notes

🍽 the-post-maker

I hope y'all enjoyed this insight into what the cats do when they get fandom-y... and if you want to discuss TtDV further... well, there's a server for that ;) now back to your regular dash

[thestarsloth]

I believe it is time for me to talk about piper again

Something i really dont like about this fandom is that we were quick to hate her even though the main reason wasnt her character

People generally hate her because of her relationship with drew. The problem here though is not piper, but the way drew was portrayed by the author. Drew was a flat character, and to me she was a lot like Nancy Bobofit (who didnt appear a lot tbh). In my opinion, if we knew drew a bit more, hers and Piper's fight would be much more interesting.

They also hate her because she ONCE said that the aphrodite cabin was shallow. We all know how rick has treated the aphrodite kids, right? Percy has said many things like that about them but noones hating on him. I know that is not an excuse but see the difference on how we treat the white boy?

Another reason is that she is not as traumatized as the others (??whywouldthatbeareason??) and people say she complains a lot, which, to be honest, i did not see in the books.

To start with, she was most of the time neglected by her dad who didnt understand her needs and never paid attention to her (to the point she had to steal a freaking car thank you very much). We' ve seen she was treated really bad from the kids in her school (racist comments and also comments about her family) and lets not talk about how bullying affects teenage kids. Lets just say that we all sympathized with percy when he was bullied and changed schools all the time but noone talks about the fact that piper was also bullied (and not by having pb&j thrown at her, which is also bad but...)

People also say that she is a "pick me" and "not like other girls". First of all, shaming her because she doesnt wear makeup or isnt stereotypically "girly" is more misogynistic than anything you say piper did.

She has never ever said anything that implies shes doing so for boys. Sje genuinly didnt like those things and people straight up attacked her for being a teenage girl with MASSIVE OTHER PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH.

She did not shame drew for liking makeup as far as i remember, she only called the cabin shallow because they treated her EXACTLY like her bullies.

Also she "only talks about jason" and is "possesive". Hmhm. Reminds you of anything? OH! ANNABETH! But the white blond girl was excused because she was a "teenager", yet ive never seen anyone defend PIPER'S mistakes with that excuse, even if it is the truest thing for both her and Annabeth.

I have nothing against percy and annabeth, or people who headcanon piper as girly, but we should remember that canon piper was a teenage girl and support her just like we do with annabeth.

Thanks for reading my rant and i would love to hear opinions. I hope i didnt sound too agressive defending a fictional character hehe.

[bqstqnbruin]

Anthony Beauvillier Teacher AU

Hi this is set in the same school as Sidney and Ivy enjoy :)

Teacher AU Series

Warnings: Swearing

WC: 1393

______________________

“Mr. B, do you have everything planned?” Anthony looked up from his desk, practically jumping out of his skin at the sound of anyone in his classroom. It was nearly four on a Friday afternoon, when all of the students should have already been home. Two of his homeroom girls, Ciara and Demi, were standing in front of his desk, both of them looking so excited that alone was scary enough to make him want to run.

“Yes, girls, I do.” 

“I can’t believe you’re going to ask Ms. Ingram to marry you,” Ciara squeals, Demi mirroring her friend’s excitement.

“Hey, hey,” he shushes them, gesturing to his open door. “She could be walking down that hall right now.”

They roll their eyes, running out of the classroom to check to see that Callista was still sitting at her desk like her boyfriend still was. The entire school knew the two teachers were dating, but Anthony had let it slip to his homeroom that he was planning on proposing, somehow, all of them keeping the secret. 

She was nowhere in sight, even though they knew her car was still in the parking lot. 

“Oh, shoot, I forgot my art project,” Demi says, dragging Ciara to the classroom.

“Ives, I don’t know, he’s been acting weird,” they hear Callista’s voice inside the classroom. They stay outside the door, around the corner so she couldn’t see them if she suddenly burst out of the classroom. “What if he’s breaking up with me.”

“He’d have to switch schools, and he’s not that great of a teacher for someone to hire him midyear.”

“Ivy!” Callista scolds, the girls trying not to laugh too hard. They loved Mr. B as a person, but they weren’t going to deny that Ms. Reid was wrong. “I’m being serious.”

“I could have Sidney kill him for you.”

“Your boyfriend is not killing my boyfriend.” The girl's jaws drop, Ciara mouthing, ‘I knew it’ to her friend.

“He won’t be your boyfriend if he’s dead.” 

“Come on,” Demi whispers, grabbing Ciara by the wrist and dragging her into the classroom. “Oh, sorry. I forgot my project.”

Callista waves them off, grabbing her bag. “We were just finishing up, you girls are fine. Have a good weekend.” 

Ciara and Demi watch as their teacher leaves, neither of them moving until they were sure Callista was out of earshot. 

“Do you know what's happening this weekend?”

Ivy scrunches her face at her students. “I don’t think I want to.”

“Mr. Beauvillier is proposing to Ms. Ingram,” Demi squeals, Ciara jumping up and down next to her. Ivy just looks at them and nods, clearly unamused by them. “Come on, it’s exciting.”

“I know, I’m the one who helped Mr. B plan the proposal.” The girls look at her shocked. They thought they were the ones who helped plan it. “What, we’re friends.” Ivy looks at her watch, yawning. “Alright, Demi, your project is over there. Grab it and let’s head out for the weekend.”

Ivy shoos them out, the girls giddy to wait to see what happens this weekend. 

I found her insta, Demi texts Ciara later that night.

LINK! Ciara responds immediately. It’s private.

She accepted my request! 

How???

Finsta

Has she posted anything????

NO

Ciara and Demi checked on Callista’s account religiously, practically obsessively, as was requested by their homeroom group chat. Nothing was posted, though; no story, no actual posts, no reel, nothing.

That Monday, the girls get to school, waiting outside of Mr. Beauvillier’s room for homeroom to start, the rest of their classmates standing outside and waiting for him to unlock the door.

“He’s never this late,” Alex points out, checking their phone to make sure the time was right.

“Maybe he’s not here today,” Max shrugs, sliding down the wall to sit while everyone waits.

“Oh my god,” Demi says, panic ripping through her as she grabs Ciara’s arm for balance. “What if the proposal went bad?”

“You don’t think he’d skip school because of that, do you?”

“He works with the woman he’s asking to marry him. If she said no, do you think he’d want to come back?”

The students look at each other, guilt and anxiety filling their heads. They were so enthusiastic and excited for the idea of Mr. B and Ms. I getting engaged and eventually married. They had sent him places he could propose (though, they weren’t sure he took any of them into account when planning), they sent them rings she would like (they knew he didn’t use their ideas), they were the ones who spent the entire week emailing him tik toks and reels they saw that they thought would be cute for him to incorporate. 

Anthony comes to his classroom, not saying anything and not looking like he was in the mood to say anything either. The students look at each other with horrified looks on their faces as he stormed past them, heading to the little room connecting his room to the next to put his stuff down. They shuffle in, all silently, all trying their best to not mess up the desks, keep the chairs where they are, not do anything that could potentially set him off.

They sit in silence as Anthony opens his computer, looking around the room to take attendance without saying anything, a frown plastered on his face. 

He starts typing on his computer, not saying anything. Demi and Ciara look at each other, eyes wide with fear. This was their fault. His bad mood for today and the rest of his life was because of them. 

Anthony turns on his project, not saying anything as he sits back in his chair and stares at the screen. Before he can say anything, other students, underclassmen they don’t recognize start shuffling into the room, not saying anything but taking the seats in the back or standing against the counters, clearly as confused as Anthony’s own homeroom was. 

He presses play on a video pulled up, the students whispering to each other in confusion. No one was on screen, just a stage with a flower arch and lights strung through them, a fence or something behind it. 

“You’re being weird,” Callista’s voice comes off camera, the students looking at each other, it finally clicking what this video was.

“You don’t think he’s showing us her saying, ‘no,’ do you?” Ciara whispers to Demi.

Anthony pulls Callista into the frame, getting up onto the stage and glancing at the camera. Callista looks at it, making a face at Anthony when she looks back at him. “What are you doing?” she asks, a smile on her face. Demi gasps when she sees Callista, the white dress on her teacher making her look more stunning than the girls already thought she was, while Anthony was there in a blue suit (there was no way he didn’t know that Callista was better than him, mostly because they told him whenever they had the chance). 

Without saying anything Anthony gets down on one knee, his homeroom students starting to cheer while the other students looked at the screen with their mouths open. They had no idea what was happening as they watched Callista stand there with her mouth open, her right hand on her chest while Anthony took her left, opening the ring box with his free hand.

“Callista Belle Ingram,” Anthony starts, the students not hearing the rest because of their excitement. They all looked at Anthony, still staring at the screen with a tear rolling down his cheek, trying his best to hide the smile that was forming on his face. 

He pauses the video before they get to what Callista responds with, the screen frozen with Callista and Anthony beaming at each other. 

“No,” Ciara screams, Anthony bursting out laughing.

“What did she say?”

“I said yes,” Callista says, standing in the doorway with her hand in the air, showing the students her ring. 

“Holy shit, you scared us,” Demi yells, draping herself over the desk.

“Dem, language. Ms. Ingram’s freshmen are in here,” Anthony scolds, the children in the back finally understanding what’s going on.

“We thought she said no,” Alex says.

“Who cares what we thought,” Ciara says as Anthony walks over to Callista, taking his hand in hers. “Kiss her! We’re planning a wedding!”

[satoriberry]

niko ikki crushing on you!! :>

❥ summary: headcanons with a pining niko [requested by anon]

❥ pairing: niko ikki x gn!reader

❥ watch out for: nothing!! just cute stuff with some crack + reader is oblivious asf btw not proofread

- let me preface by saying that i love this guy so much

- ok lets start

- you're a student at his school and you just happen to catch his attention

- maybe it was your charm, maybe it was the kindness that you treated everyone with unconditionally, but whatever it was, it pulled on his heart strings and made him a sucker for you

- you're just so perfect and beautiful and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA <- representation of his thoughts about you

- everytime you walk past him, he just feels the urge to turn around and pull you into his arms but he can't because no.

- that's not how real life works

- even if you're not in the same class as him, he'd still try to find where you're hanging out in the school so he can sit far away and.....observe you.

- he does that a lot. his afro allows him to hide his eyes so you wouldn't tell whether he was staring at your or not

- doesnt have the courage to talk to you directly, but whenever he can, he tries to join conversations with mutual friend groups. he gets to hear your voice more closely :)

- he's an avid anime watcher (canon) and what he watches is influenced by his current life status

- so when he falls for you, you bet your ass he's watching all them cheesy shoujo anime where the male love interest is a suave, cool hottie so he can project onto him

- but at the same time, he feels so cringe because he thinks you'd definitely see him as some kind of weird loser with no social life

- tries to understand you by piecing together stuff his friends and classmates say about you, like favourite colour, food, celebrity, movie etc

- buys merch of your favourite band in hopes that it'll catch your attention and you'll walk up to him to talk :(

- he's bad at dropping signals and thinks that the most subtle gestures will attract you. they don't. you're too fucking dumb.

- his friends tease him for that a lot

- "bro, doodling their favourite character on your notebook will not make them notice you" "shut the fuck up, you don't know shit."

- seriously, he's so romantically inexperienced and doesn't know how to go about it

- during a particularly windy day, his bangs flew up and revealed his eyes when you were sitting on the rooftop (him alone and you with your friends). he ran off from embarrassment but left behind the book he was reading

- later that day, you walked up to him to return his book and while doing that, you slipped a complement about his eyes and how they were cute

- he screamed into his pillow when he got back home.

- but!!!! he can now talk to you!!

- buys your preferred candy by "accident" and gives it to you because "he pressed the wrong button on the vending machine"

- loves the little smile you wear when enjoying it ♡

- started to give you little acknowledgement nods when crossing each other in hallways. his brain melts when you nod back with a grin

- he daydreams about you a lot and even does that dreamy sigh thing with his cheek against his palm

- he....

- he has a manifestation journal and sporadically writes affirmations with your name in them...

- anyways.

- wants to invite you to soccer practice so you can watch him pull off sick tricks but doesnt know howwww >:/

- asks his friends to say good stuff about him so you can think he's cool

- "yeah niko regularly helps at a cat shelter", "he tutors my brother every sunday", "ive seen him adopt strays"

- at some point they started to say some ridiculous things so he had to force them to stop 💀💀

- watches your mannerisms closely and subconsciously copies them

- the way you open your drinks, tap your feet against the floor to make sure your shoes fit right, pop your neck in specific directions

- when he realizes what he's doing, he buries his face in his hands and lets out a high pitched scream with his face turning into a dark shade of pink

- gets really mushy when thinking about you, writes your name in hearts a lot

- turns into a mess when you're cheerfully talking to him about something you like

- once caught you napping in the library and took it upon himself to sit next to you and make sure nothing bad happens

- by the way that's a lie because nothing that bad could've happened and he wanted to gaze at your calm sleeping figure

- literally squealed as he watched you softly adjust your head on your arms

- so. we can conclude by saying that niko is really awkward when it comes to you and he has some pretty unorthodox methods of expressing his feelings, but he never loses hope that, maybe one day, you'll see him in the same light (he's a dumbass that can't see you already do)

[kindlingkeen]

I need to know if I’m alone in this or maybe missing something.

It always bothers me when people say Tim’s childhood was so much worse than Jason’s, or even says they’re the same kinda thing. Am I the only one in this?? (More specifically when they compare them) Like it feels like they’re minimizing Jason’s story to nothing, when it makes his character up as much as his death does. (I’ve even seen people compare Tim’s childhood to Jason’s death, which is. A choice.)

Granted, I’m not a big Tim fan (he’s a cool character, just not the one I focus on) so maybe I’ve missed some part of his canonical backstory or ive subconsciously got something against his character idk.

But from my understanding, Tim is a rich kid who was taken care of (as in, he always had what he needed), just his parents were neglectful? Or away? (Not to say this isn’t bad, of course wouldn’t wish that on a kid either)

But Jason’s lived surrounded by crime and poverty, hell we see panels where he’s hurt and generally not havin a great time.

And I’m fine with people making angst worse because like, favourite character. I’m sure I’m guilty of doing the same to Jason (fave character bias and whatnot) it’s just something that strikes me as odd. But hey, maybe I just don’t know about some canon panel that shows Tim’s childhood as a tragedy where he almost died countless times (another thing I’ve seen fans use)

So yeah. Generally, what do you think about this? I am not too great with character analysis & whatever else, but I like the stuff you’ve said in regards to characters. I know you’re a Jason fan, unsure about how you feel about Tim/how much you know, but curious about your opinion anyway. Thanks.

You are not alone, anon.

You’re also not missing anything in canon, Tim’s childhood was not a tragedy (his parents traveled a lot and he spent his time in boarding school). Were his parents on the neglectful side? Yes. Does that equate to being parentless and living on the street before the age of 12? No. I answered an Ask about Tim a little while ago explaining why I don’t really care much for Tim in the comics or a lot of fanfics. And I only ranted a little about how projecting Jason’s trauma onto Tim is Not. Cool. So maybe check that out.

As for my opinion on this … *takes a deep breath* Let me start by saying that everyone should like what they like, read what they want, write what they want, etc. No judgement or shame intended at all.

But … my opinion is that the enemy-to-caretaker trope is to blame for the over abundance of this dynamic in the fandom.

It seems like this trope grew out of/is a Gen take on enemies-to-lovers. I have absolutely no problem with this trope in general. In fact, I quite enjoy it in certain settings. But the thing is, lovers can be equals. But a caretaker, that has an inherent power imbalance to the relationship. A caretaker takes care of a person who is in some way weaker or less able than them.

So, to make Jason a caretaker for Tim, you somehow have to make Tim weaker, and with time and repetition that’s gotten amplified to much weaker.

The easiest way to do this is to jack up the angst and trauma of Tim’s origin story and increase his overall vulnerability. Because in reality, the inherent power imbalance between Jason and Tim is not that significant. Jason is only two years older than Tim. They’re both supposed to be badass vigilantes who can fight and solve crimes. Tim’s home life was loads more stable and supportive.

Play a few games of fanfic telephone, and all of a sudden you have a baseline of touch-starved Timmy who was made to sleep in a cupboard under the stairs as a wee little niblet and then Lazarus-mad Jason came along and tried to murder him repeatedly (nope), slit his throat (‘twas but a scratch), and generally traumatized him beyond repair (Tim is Robin, pretty sure he’s been beaten up before). 🤦‍♀️

That’s my opinion, anon! Thanks for the ask! 💙

[vampziry]

some things i’ve manifested using the law of assumption —note that i’ve been using it to manifest for years, i was around 8 or 9, so it’s a lot—

1- when i was 8, i remember leaving the church and going home. i really wanted to go to the mall that day because it was almost xmas eve and there’s a lot of activities in my country, i also wanted to see the big xmas tree by the electric stairs. i remember that i affirmed everyday only one affirmation, i didn’t pay attention but lately i realized that ive always been living in the end and didnt realize because my affirmation stated the desire already fulfilled. i affirmed the whole day, i even went to the backyard and looked at the sky as if i was talking with god or something similar. i started affirming around 11 am and by 5 pm my mom was getting ready and i asked her “where are you going?” and she literally told me: i received your school grades, they are all good for me so im taking you to the mall. i lived happily the whole week because i thought that was my first encounter with god or something 😂😂

2- this was in my freshman or sophomore year, i really cant remember the time really well in this one but i do remember that my friend and i had fought and i was really scared because he ignored me everyday and we used to be really close so i reminded my subconscious everyday for like 3 days straight that they were not mad, they were just dealing with stuff or busy (yeah the gaslighting 😘😘) and nah, by day 4 he talked to me again and everything was back to normal like nothing happened.

3- food. yes, the thing i manifest the most is food because i adore eating. i used to live with the assumption: my mom is bringing me chocolate/cheesecake or pizza from work today. EVERY WEEK. and it would happen, i got used to it and stopped assuming random things that had to do with food.

i cant remember any other one, dementia patient right here 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

as for my recent ones, ive got a bunch. im a very anxious person and tbh manifesting before was way easier than now. the pressure is killing me but i still managed to manifest stuff from 2021 to this day.

1- a boyfriend. yes, i manifested a boyfriend around april 2021. i didnt go into detail but he had everything i was looking for + he was amazing (at first ofc), he later changed and i had to start attending to therapy sessions cause i got diagnosed and im still traumatized. i forgot to script the loyalty part… so yeah he definitely did cheat and gaslit me. but he made me feel amazing while it lasted. we broke up around 2 months ago and we had 2 years together. i didnt manifest the break up, he did. which is good. the universe sent me signs cause days later after the break up i found out messages and stuff of him cheating the same week of the break up.

2- i manifested for my attachment to go away. note: im the type of person to get attached emotionally to people, i was emotionally depending on my ex, so as soon as we broke up i had a dream where somebody told me to just go out the day after and spoil myself. buy whatever i want and spend some money cause i was working so hard to buy the flight to go and see him. 4 days later when i found out he was with another person i cried in my way to work and i was feeling so well that day that i literally did my hair and makeup but it got smudged :(( but that was the last and first time i cried over him after everything was over. next day i woke up feeling positive and i suddenly let everything go. bad people eventually get what they deserve in life so i just got over it and im not attached to him or the old story anymore!!

3- i manifested new friends plus i contacted my old friends back. most of them were in bad terms with me cause i blocked them out of nowhere because of my ex, everything was so messed up but they forgave me and they are very good friends after all, they text me and hype me up every day so i cannot be more grateful :D

4- i manifested my sp :D after these 2 months i thought to myself: if that person could move on, you can too. so i did, although my sp and me are not fully prepared for a relationship rn, we’re both aware of our mutual attraction and promised to give us time until we were both fully healed 🫶🏻

5- MONEYYYYYY. yeah it sounds like im too ambitious when it comes to money but im soooo silly. i spend everything i get plus i need to pay for my own stuff at school. i dont like bothering my parents with my expenses —even though they are supposed to provide for me but i feel like a problem when i do that so—, i manifested money like 4 times this year??? first, my parents never give me more than 100 for my birthday and all of a sudden they gave me 500$??? i even posted about it my happiness was out of the roof. i went to the cinema w my friends to watch an anime movie that got released on my birthday yayayaya. later, i started working and got like 1,200 in the summertime and now i manifested more money this week TO SAVE. i literally by assuming got into the void and manifested a bag full of money. i wont stfu about it IM AMBITIOUS in a good way with money, i need to move out and start building my future (bro im still 17 😔)

6- clothes and makeup. uMmm im not a fan of makeup tbh buttttt i wanted to have some in case one day i decide to put some on, my skin has always been clear and pretty, my lashes are super long and my eyebrows are really thick so i only worry about doing a perfect lip combo. i got a box and 2 bags full of makeup <3 especially makeup of my favorite brands 😙😙😙 i also was able to buy clothes online very similar to the ones that i had on my pinterest boards ^^ but i kinda forgot to buy shoes.. BFFR 😭😭😭 ive been repeating the same 5 shoes, but im gonna buy some new ones soon!!

7- colognes and jewelry 😘😘😘😘😘 yes, im a fan of these too!! my dad gave me a box full of earrings and rings. but not any kind of earrings, LONG AND BIG EARRINGS W UNUSUAL DESIGNS just how i like them. and some cute rings w rabbit, figures, etc. the colognes smell really well!! i got the nicki minaj perfume in all versions, dior colognes and a box with like 8 different types of victoria’s sprays 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

8- a good school year. its only been a month but ive made friends and i find a lot of people WHO SUDDENLY KNOW ME, waving at me in the hallways and im like OH YEAH HI even tho idk who they are?? it feels so goodddddd i feel like an it girl omg 😭😭😭 and also my grades are MAGNIFIC, i got accepted in our honors program and im currently a staff cadet in our military program I DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO ACQUIRE A HIGH RANK HERE BUT I DID ITTTT I DID ITTTT IM LEADING :D

yeah i cant remember more but thats all i’ve accomplished so far, see u dont need the void to fucking manifest 🥱🥱🥱🥱 gurllll-

[rrenzwrld]

if you catch my drift IV

fourth part, third part here

been a long time comin😔

You went to the cafe later on that day when Sasha had class and sat in a spot you and her normally sat in. You were comfortable eating and vibing by yourself until you felt the presence of someone else.

“Hey, y/n.” You looked up and saw Reiner standing in front of you with his plate in his hand. “You mind if I sit with you?” You shook your head and watched as he sat across from you with his stuff. Now that he was in your presence, all you could really focus on was what Sasha had told you. You didn’t understand why it consumed your thoughts so much but you wanted it to stop.

“How was your day?” You initiated conversation.

“Pretty good so far, now that I’m seeing you today.” You paused in the middle of chewing. “Yours?” This man was going to be your downfall, slowly but surely.

“Pretty good…” You knew the conversation would lead to nothing but small talk because you still weren’t comfortable enough with Reiner to try to talk his head off. But you didn’t do that with many people anyway.

“You don’t…talk much do you?” You looked up.

“Not really, there’s not a lot I need to talk about. Y’know?” Reiner nodded in understanding.

“I understand. I don’t like to talk a lot either but that doesn’t always work out.” Reiner never really striked you as much of a talker but being such a prominent part of your school’s community including talking and interacting as part of the role.

“You play the role well, though.” Reiner furrowed his brows.

“Role?”

“Of the whole ‘model athlete and student thing’. Y’know, Mr. Popular.” Reiner chuckled slightly as he looked at you.

“Yeah, I guess.” The two of you sat eating in a comfortable silence until you broke it with a question.

“So do you plan on going pro after college?”

He shrugged. “That really only happens to a few people, and you have to be really good for that to be a possibility.”

“Yeah but you’re really good right?” He smiled, appreciating the compliment.

“That’s what everyone else says. Coach even said I can leave to go pro this year but there’s a lot to it.” You were happy for Reiner if he had the opportunity to go pro because you knew that he was good enough to do so. The only thing stopping him would be his own insecurities.

“I say go for it. Do what you love and you love football, right?” He nods.

“Since I was little.”

“There you go. Do what makes you happy.” Reiner knew he should’ve been listening more at your words than he was but he couldn’t help but use them as more of a reason as to why he loved you. But he couldn’t tell you that.

“Thanks, Y/n.”

“Of course.” You started to get up and throw your things away and Reiner did the same.

“So what are you doing later?” He asked as the two of you walked out the cafe.

“I have a class at 3 but after that, nothing really. Why?”

“I wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out before practice if you didn’t have class, but we can do that another time.” You didn’t have a problem having your 3pm up until now.

“Okay, just let me know when.”

“You have class tomorrow?” You shook your head.

“Oh that’s good. Here, I’ll give you my number so we can…talk more.” Reiner held out his phone to you and you gave your phone to him, exchanging numbers. You still weren’t sure if you were living in a dream or not. “I’ll text you later.” He said as he left, waving behind you.

[deedala]

☀️ weekly 🌴 tag 🌴 wednesday 🌊

hello it is thursday!! not wednesday, alas, we persist. big thanks to a one lil miss ✨🌟🌙 @celestialmickey ✨🌟🌙 !!!! for writing this weeks game and for tagging me!! + @gallapiech @blue-disco-lights @heymrspatel @jrooc @mmmichyyy @too-schoolforcool @lingy910y @crossmydna @energievie @palepinkgoat 💖💖💖

name: deanna 🌱

pronouns: she/her

what year did you graduate high school? lets play a game actually, what do you think? did i graduate in 1998, 2002, or 2006?

tell me where you live without *telling* me where you live: woody harrelson and i know the same amusement park like the back of our respective hands

tell me what you do for work: digital coloring book

caffeine source of choice: brew my own hot coffee in which i pour oatmilk and french vanilla dairy-free creamer

do you have a skincare routine? super sensitive skin, had to do accutane in my 20s *and* back in 2019. dermatologist has me on a very strict routine of gentle salicylic acid facewash and oil-free fragrance-free sensitive-skin formulated facial moisturizer. nothing else allowed!!

how often do you do laundry? every single fucking day of life and if i dont i will be overcome and i will suffer

favorite flower: poppies!! (iykyk) but dandelions are a close second

your go-to karaoke song: i've never gotten to do karaoake for reals but i think it would be an absolute blast (and hysterically cringey) to sing wuthering heights by kate bush!!

what kind of phone do you have? mint green iphone 12

do you wear contacts/glasses? i wear a single contact lens because i had to have a bunch of surgery in my left eye in my 20s and one of them involved replacing my lens with an implant (hi im bionic, i have a serial number) that is a corrective lens giving me 20/20 vision (apart from the blind spots where my retina is destroyed) SOOOO i literally can only wear that one contact lens in my right eye to fix my (extremely bad) vision on that side. glasses dont work when you've got 20/20 in one eyeball and -7.25 in the other.

what color is your hair right now? its a 10

you’ve just been handed $10,000 cash, what are you spending it on? theres a lot of shit in my house that needs to be fixed. or maybe we can use it as a down payment for buying a new house? (probably not the market is so insane in my city because of the university and the landlords) but i guess...in fantasy world where this happens...yeah we use it to help ourselves buy a new house lol.

how many pets do you have? none

have you ever been on a train? many many trains! some in america, most of them in europe

and finally, tell me something about yourself people might be surprised to know: god im so uninteresting... i love olives and pickles and cilantro and mint but not garlic and i cannot taste spicy things (i deeply wish i could, ive tried so many times and all i get is like bitter charcoal numb tongue)

and now i'll tag some folks under the cut who maybe?? havent played yet?? maybe want to play????? if not consider this me handing you a dandelion + poppy 💐 under the cut!!

@darlingian @spookygingerr @mybrainismelted @creepkinginc @suzy-queued

@sleepyheadgallavich @thepupperino @iansw0rld @gardenerian @ardent-fox

@catgrassplantdad @whatwouldmickeydo @gallawitchxx @wehangout @captainjowl

@the-rat-wins @loftec @spoonfulstar @callivich @sam-loves-seb

@howlinchickhowl @rereadanon @softmick @burninface @sickness-health-all-that-shit

@sleepyfacetoughguy @transmickey @lee-ow @themarchg1rl @vintagelacerosette

@xninetiestrendx @michellemisfit @steorie @samantitheos

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

[spectrum-core]

STEPHCLAIR IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

Alternative title: a very angry (and tired) Full Stop fan's thesis.

ok, so me being the stephan/sinclair comparison's strongest hater is a bit i really like to lean into, but for the sake of keeping things semi-serious i will try to keep the actual essay content as free of me ranting my frustrations as humanly possible (which i mean commitement to the bit aside this will be hard bc it is frustrating to see people calling them both the same character, at best it shows a very surface level understanding of either character and at worst it shows just reducing them to cookie cutter meme fandom archetypes neither character actually fits into, so bear with me if i slip up and make unserious comments from time to time)

so before i start the actual essay let me say this: this essay doesnt even scratch the surface of how much i hate this comparison you guys cant even possibly fucking imagine ive been obssessed and i mean OBSSESSED with the full stop office since 2021 and im glad i wasnt in the limbus prerelease fanbase because if i had to see people comparing my beautiful boy and beloved best friend to a guy we had no info about other than "hes based of the guy from demian" i would have turned into the joker this is not even about saving my own mental health this is about sparing the entire pjm fandom of the monster i would have turned into

spoilers for ruina and limbus, universe terminology heavy and surface level references and interpretations of demian by herman hesse because imma keep it real with you guys the first and only time i read that book i was still in high school and i barely remember shit.

Table of contents:

Stephan - a summary

Sinclair - a summary 2.1. Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919) 2.2. Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

Addressing common arguments

1.- Stephan - a summary

And of course I will start with Stephan, because I love him very much, just like Liwei he's one of my favorite pjm characters (yeah i like him more than your favorite popular character don't ask) so it's not surprising that i have A Lot to say about him, right?

And of course, I do.

As I said in the serrated duo post, a core part of my perception of the Full Stop office depends on the fact that they are poor. Mentions of money are common all across many factions in the game, yes, but the Full Stops are extremely constant about money, how taking a wrong turn means losing more than they can afford, how they can't afford to drop their weapons because they were too expensive, how even getting the permissions to be able to buy and wield these weapons was ridiculously expensive and so on. Of course, Stephan is the one talking about this the most (something I will elaborate on later), but Liwei and Tamaki also make a few ocassional mentions to it in their dialogue and keypages and considering this is a shared business it just makes sense that this is something that affects all of them.

These are just some few of the callbacks to money that Stephan alone does in his dialogue, without focusing in keypage text or what Liwei and Tamaki have to say about it.

And idk man, at least to me the difference between social classes is an important aspect for their characterization, specially because of how constant the concern with money is for Stephan. From this point alone comparing them feels like erasing a core aspect of Stephan's characterization, a lot about Stephan (and the Full Stop office as a whole, let's be real here) starts making more sense once you read the office as lower-middle class (and I'm saying lower middle class because they can afford some place to live and their weapons, but to me these guys are the types who precisely because of their need to keep bullets at all times can't pay for water or electricity all the time and sometimes they simply can't afford food or if they do they can spend a week straight eating nothing but unsalted pasta).

Now, going back to Stephan being the most outward about his complaints with money, he is in general the most outward about all problems the office is facing, to the point in which he doesn't mind inconveniencing everyone else with his rants, being one of the few guests who interrupt Angela's introductory speech and getting into Tamaki's nerves (something he's well aware he's doing, as these two know each other) at least two times through the course of their pre-battle cutscene, even Roland comments after the reception on how he wishes he would always have been as open about his problems as Stephan was.

However, it's worth nothing that he doesn't spend the entire cutscene crying about his miseries, and he only starts losing hope at three key moments: when they can't kill Eileen inmediately (making them waste more bullets than needed), when Argalia shows up (forcing them to retreat and making them fail their mission, meaning they won't get paid for this after they already lost a ton of money, as well as turning the situation into something much more dangerous than what they had signed up for) and once they enter the Library (an Urban Plague grade threat they have little to no information about, when him and Tamaki are almost out of bullets so Liwei is essentially the only fixer with some chance of putting up a fight and, you know, making it out alive).

Now, while it's true that Stephan is someone who dislikes danger, he isn't someone who isn't used to seeing gruesome events, his instinctive reaction to seeing a guy getting his head put into a meat grinder was cracking jokes and calling the concept of thought gears "a load of horseshit", which is something that falls in line with him being a somewhat experienced Fixer (sure, grade 5 isn't amazing but we can assume it's still either in the higher side of average or barely above average, and for someone specialized in firearms, which are far from the best weapon in the city, getting that high means he must have some experience and skill, right? more so considering he's been at this for 5 years at most) who has seen a fair share of horrid shit and can be unfazed by (most of) it as long as his own safety isn't on the line.

Another point is... he dislikes danger and is always wary about money and expenses, to the point in which he enjoys checking his bank account (or at least he believes so, if we go for the theory of the artbook profiles being more a mix of what the characters perceive themseves as/would describe themselves as to others, which is a theory i go by, I see him as someone who's convinced he does that for fun instead as out of desperation), but this seems to be more a generalized feeling of impending doom at everything rather than something that can be traced back to a particular traumatic event (anything can be dangerous, anything can cost him money), dude's from the backstreets after all, he's seen shit and he's used to assuming the worst. How I see Stephan, he's a guy who already expects bad things to happen but once things go wrong he starts freaking out about how this time They're Screwed For Real, but he never really tricks himself into believing "maybe things will turn out just fine this time?" or who thinks "well, we've done this before, surely we can handle it again."

This is not very related to Stephan as a character in terms of personality but I think it's still an important point to make as it is particularly related to body mods, his physical condition and his body shape.

So we can easily say that Stephan is a strong dude, at least if compared to real world standards without the fancy and insane body mods we see people in the city have access to. He carries that huge rifle around with his bare hands, something that Tamaki doesn't do and that not even Stephan himself in earlier iterations of his dessign did, and his main talent (which based of my theories is something that can be assumed as "something he's proud enough of to consider it the thing he does best") is physical labor.

Pictured, Tamaki's talksprite, carrying a rifle almost as long as she is tall with a strap supporting the weight on her shoulders, like a normal person.

Also pictured, an earlier iteration of Stephan's dessign, carrying the same rifle his current version does, but also holding it with the help of a similar strap supporting the weight on his shoulders.

And finally, Stephan's current dessign, holding that shit with his bare fucking hands in an exhibition of his brute animal strength, what the fuck is wrong with this man (affectionate)

And Stephan's artbook profile, the important part here is his speciality being physical labor, not only he's strong but he aknowledges this.

However, I made a point about the Full Stop office being poor, right? Even Roland says that "giving a whole office augmentation procedures is cheaper than keeping a decent supply of bullets in stock" (not the exact phrasing).

At least personally, I see this as Roland essentially saying "it would be cheaper (and more efficient) to get body mods for everyone in the office and buy another (cheaper) type of weaponry instead", but as things stand, the Full Stops can afford to either buy more ammunition and maintain their weapons, OR to get body mods, and since their whole deal is firearms... well, they can't really Stop investing in them, meaning they have no body mods At All and they got their grades purely out of their own physical strength.

Similarly, Stephan makes a similar point about how body augmentations are required for people to be able to run while carrying their weapons around (specifically talking about the rifles he and Tamaki use).

And... you know, the whole point is that they couldn't run carrying their weapons because they were too heavy, Argalia mocked them for that, Liwei urged them to drop their weapons, something they refused to do because of the prices.

Lastly on this point, while it's true that Ruina talksprites have a very bad case of Long Anime Legs (to the point in which how Roland's legs take about 2/3 of his height is a common joke), if we focus only on his head and torso, Stephan looks pretty Wide, and not only because he's wearing thick, fluffy and multilayered clothing, as other characters wearing similar clothing styles still look thinner than him.

This is all to say: I don't think this guy is a twink, or thin at all. He's a prime example of the strongman build to me and this is yet another hill I'm willing to die on watch project moon turn him into a beanpole once he inevitably shows up in limbus and me turning into the first real world distortion as a consequence.

Finally, Stephan is very notoriously the most informal member of the office, not only being the only one who doesn't wear any sort of formal clothing fully prioritizing comfort and practicality over looks but also completely disregarding formalities with his attitude at work (again, he interrupts Angela's introductory monologue, and again, his first two lines when being introduced are him cracking jokes), being the only member of the office to swear on screen and using several informal expressions and metaphors through both the reception dialogue and his keypage story.

And for good measure, he's a compilation of Stephan being the creature he is.

The literal introduction of the characters, also known as the moment in which Stephan became one of my favorite characters because he's Just Like Me Fr

Very normal behavior for someone who hates blood and violence and isn't used to seeing it. This man is more than capable (and willing, assuming money is involved) to murder kill.

Which, I mean, this attitude is very different from what we see from Sinclair.

2.- Sinclair, a summary

In retrospect I probably should have made this one first because I'm gonna be honest with you, Sinclair is one of the sinners I care about the least (I still like him and think he's pretty cool mind you I just don't vibe too much with most of the tropes making up the character) so what I have to say about him is less me grasping for straws and subtext because I don't care enough about him to be bothered with a super serious and in depth analysis like I did with Stephan and more things we can explicitly see about him in game and things that happen in the novel Demian.

And if I can have a small parenthesis here, people saying that one of my favorite pjm guys Ever is in any way similar to a guy who despite being pretty cool is just Not the type of character I fully vibe with... really, it gets annoying fast. Anyway back to the serious analysis now.

2.1- Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919)

To be able to understand Sinclair as he is depicted in Limbus Company, it is important to first be familiar with the source material of the original iteration of the character, that's it we're doing your high school homework by compiling several literary analysis of a symbolic psychological early 20th century autobiographical novel i hope you guys signed up for this (and if you didn't, though luck! i will do this anyway, I love literary analysis).

In the novel, young Emil finds himself torn between the worlds of light (which can be equated to the Garden of Eden, but it's more tangible meaning for our protagonist is his childhood home and family, a serene and well structure/organized space where he can be innocent, untainted by the evils of the outside world) and darkness (basically all the scary shit that goes on outside, where people do evil things for the sake of it), he finds himself tempted by the violence of the outside world, particularly through the actions of his classmate Franz Kromer, which eventually leads him to consider that due to being exposed to this tainted world of evil he no longer can return to the world of good and innocence.

Here, the character of Demian acts as a guide, someone who helps Sinclair to trascend this binary perception of good vs evil and to see himself as someone worthy of happiness because him witnessing the world of evil didn't taint him as a person but rather merely showed him another face of the world, Demian here mentions the Mark of Cain as a symbol of mental strenght and freedom, considering that bearers of this mark are capable of making their own choices and should be able to go beyond their assigned roles, being able to embody aspects of both worlds. This is to say that Demian's view is less focused on good vs evil, instead taking a more order vs chaos approach (without giving an explicit moral character to either).

In the book, the symbol of a bird breaking out of the egg is frequently used to represent Emil's personal growth, the egg represents safety and innocence, but a bird must eventually leave the egg or it will die, and getting out of the egg is a process than can be seen as violent, as a bird must fight to get out of the egg, and getting out of the egg represents birth but also an irreversible change, it can be seen as breaking out of the world of light and getting permanently in the world of darkness since a broken shell can't be fixed, but it can also mean achieving the enlightment and personal balance to not feel permanently bound to a condition, place or state of being and therefore growing as a person by learning to see himself as a whole human instead of supressing his "evil side" by only forcing the "good side" to surface.

Max Demian is here to show this second meaning of growth/self improvement (while also explaining that Sinclair is permamently growing and must always keep this balance between all the parts conforming the whole being that is himself rather that trying to make parts of himself antagonize each other). This idea of personal growth being one of the core themes of the book.

2.2- Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

With Sinclair's source media analyzed (at a very surface level, mind you), we now can start talking about the depiction of Sinclair in Limbus Company, how it parallels the book, why the book symbolism is important for this instance of Sinclair and so on.

When we are first introduced to Sinclair in the game he's clearly nervous, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do as he hasn't worked for a similar company before and he isn't used to the gruesome sight of the bus eating people, this does fit inmediately in the motif of a naive person with limited experience about the world (well, to be fair to him most people won't be seeing man-eating buses at a regular basis, but the average backstreets dweller would be familiar with equally violent situations).

With this said, despite Sinclair's obviously nervous behavior... he isn't really a pessimist like Stephan was, in fact, almost every chapter (counting cantos, intervallos and the short mini chapters such as the Dante's notes update episode) have at least one key moment with him trying to rationalize horrible stuff as something much less violent, or simply going "but I thought this thing didn't work like this..." when confronted with the more horrible realities in the city. He thought the G corp veterans were really going to let them pass without a fight, he thought the people being controlled by headhens were just actors wearing mascot costumes, he thought mermaids were the beautiful half-woman half-fish creatures he heard about in fairy tales, and there's more examples but I don't really feel like looking for The Entire Fucking Plot Because This Guy Is An Actual Protagonist Instead Of A Background Guy Like Stephan Was to make my point clearer than it already is. And it's only when he realizes that the real world doesn't fit his expectations that he panics.

Well, there is one exception to this pattern: his own canto. Here, he panics inmediately as soon as K corp's nest is mentioned and spends the first half of the chapter pleading to turn back while saying that they are going to get killed. So what is different here with the rest of the plot?

Obviously, the fact that is related to his very own very personal very specific trauma. That is to say, unlike Stephan who is wary of anything that can put him on danger or cost him more money than it should, Sinclair has a very specific traumatic event that makes him act Like That (sure, he gets scared and nervous outside that, but these are more normal "I'm unfamiliar with this and I don't fully know how to react, this is normal behavior in a human being" reactions than outright "I am Actually Terrified due to being reminded of an actual traumatic event, this reaction is a textbook definition of post-traumatic stress disorder").

HOWEVER, Sinclair being someone who's deeply traumatized and kind of a scaredy cat when it comes to violence and unfamiliar situations... it doesn't mean that he's incompetent or a bad fighter. Almost all of his identities are terrifyingly good fighters (at least in their lore), Los Mariachis fear jefe Sinclair, Cinq director Sinclair is someone most association members are terrified to duel even during training, Blade Lineage Sinclair is considered a talented killer (it's also worth noting that save maybe for the mariachi one, in none of these mirror worlds Sinclair is precisely happy of being recognized as "the guy who's very scary when he fights people", unlike Stephan who I don't think he particularly likes killing but has a more "as long as I get paid..." mentality about it), the only "not very good at this" Sinclair id I can think of is the molar boatworks id where he's more a mechanic than a fighter so he fears he's lagging behind in that aspect. Hell, even the Canon Timeline so to speak (which is to say: his base identity) has him carrying that huge halberd, going on a frenzy attacking some already mutilated inquisitor's corpse, piercing through Guido's armor and dealing a fatal blow that finally killed him for real. To compare, Stephan is good at physical work, but we don't know about his close combat capacities other than the fact that he dislikes it, for Sinclair however we know he's terrifyingly good at physical combat.

Now, I've seen a lot of people call Sinclair a twink and while it's one of these words that nobody agrees on what it means, let's give it the benefit of doubt and say "alright, for the duration of this analysis let's settle on a twink being a young looking (regardless of actual age), thin man with almost no facial/body hair".

Since Sinclair is a rich guy (not just Any Rich Guy though, we're talking of someone whose family had ties to a Wing, probably not some elite guy like Daniel or Hong Lu, but not a self perceived "mediocre" nest dweller like Samjo either), and pressumably not very experienced in combat in most mirror worlds (we know he has no prior experience in the base one where he joined Limbus, at least), let's say that he has enough body mods for him to be much stronger than he looks like despite being thin, he does look thin and young and much to my dissapointment he also has no facial hair, so yeah, under this very broad definition of the term he is a twink.

However if you start adding personality archetypes to the definition he stops being one almost inmediately, as we've been shown time after time that his "submissive" attitude is mostly a result of him not knowing too well how to impose himself and just going along with what the rest say or do, but he's starting to grow tired of that ever since Hell's Chicken (even if he clearly still isn't great at that), as it should be more than obvious for anyone who even just googled "demian herman hesse literary analysis", Sinclair is undergoing a lot of changes even now, and the game is doing a good job at portraying that.

Honestly I also think he'd be hotter with a sleeper build but really, I don't care enough about him to argue about that.

And for the last point, precisely due to his upbringing as a rich guy AND his traumatic experience with Kromer, Sinclair is not only a very polite and mild mannered guy (again, unlike resident creature Stephan), but also he tries to take as little space as possible, both literally and metaphorically, as Dante notices near the end of canto 3 when they finally comment on how Sinclair never talks about his own problems until it's too late because he doesn't want to bother the others as they probably have it worse (again, unlike Stephan "i don't mind loweing team morale and making everyone in the room uncomfortable as long as i get to vent" Full Stop office).

3.- Adressing common arguments

Alright, now that I talked about each character, let's see some of the most common arguments I've seen people use to compare them.

"They look the same!" No, they don't. The only thing they have in common is being blonde but even their hairstyles are different with Sinclair having a simple bowl-ish cut with slightly wavy hair and Stephan having curlier hair (not to mention the whole point I made about body types because I'm the sort of lunatic who cares about that stuff). I won't even bother with this argument.

"They have the same personalities!" Again, they don't. Stephan is very cynical with a lot of his attitude being clearly derivated from him coming from a poor background and having stayed there his whole life, he also doesn't care about his cynism getting in the way and bothering everyone else. On the other hand, Sinclair is someone who could almost be described as naive due to having lived a sheltered childhood and only having his experiences with Kromer and his time at Limbus as moments of realizing that the rest of the world is Not Like His Childhood House, still believing that the world is a binary of good vs evil and expecting things to turn out fine or be much better than they actually are, just to be hit with the reality of the city Not being a nice place where people are nice and polite and not trying to kill him, this is not to say he doesn't have his own issues but even Dante notices during his Canto that Sinclair makes a point to avoid bothering everyone else with his personal problems, keeping them to himself even if that makes things worse on the long run.

"Both are opposed and harmed by a lunatic!" This is an argument I've seen a lot and is incredibly filmsy at best, half of the city's population are lunatics and the other half are people who got opposed by them some way or another. Will you say that Ishmael and the rest of the Pequod crew can be compared to the Full Stop office (or really, even mention the other Full Stop fixers instead of just focusing on Stephan because he happens to be blonde and can be compared to Sinclair) because of their situations with Ahab? Or the W Corp crew who got their train targetted by Jae-heon and Elena (or, you know, the train passengers who were turned into Love townspeople or puppets)? What about the Vermillion Cross who got killed by the Reverb Ensemble? Or the Cane office fixers? or the Zwei association section 6 who got beaten to death by Gyeong-mi just because he felt like doing so? Or the Liu association section 1 who had to deal with Argalia taking Philip away? Or the Kurokumo clan members when they were attacked by Tanya? You aren't comparing them to either Stephan or Sinclair, right? Not to mention that in her weird and fucked up perception of things, Kromer was less opposed to Sinclair as she was trying to lead him to join her and her cause, even the last things she says before getting killed are her calling him to follow her.

"Both are compared to birds!" Oh, right, because I forgot that a very directed symbolic comparison to a baby bird breaking out of it's shell as a symbol of rebirth, learning about the nuances of the world and self improvement/liberation that is consistently used in the source material Sinclair comes from is exactly the same as one (1) throwaway line the big bad guy uses to mock not only Stephan but the whole Full Stop gang, right. And if you want to say "but Tamaki compares him to a bird once too", yeah she calls him a parrot because he keeps repeating the same complaints over and over, it's still not the same as a consistent metaphor.

"Both are sad blonde twinks! They're essentially the same guy." Sad? Yeah, everyone in the city is sad but their ways to be sad are polar opposites, and neither of them is the pure cinnamon roll uwu crybaby archetype people tend to lump both into, Stephan was merely having a bad day and people decided to make that his whole personality (when honestly we get more insight on his actual personality before Argalia shows up, when he's making sarcastic remarks and getting impatient because they weren't starting killing people fast enough) but he's still perfectly capable (and willing) to murder people, and Sinclair is just... someone who lacks experience about the real world and how it works and has a tendency to get nervous because of this, but he can adapt quickly to situations once he understands them. Blonde? Yeah, but I guess if that's a point to draw a comparison then we should also compare them to Don Quixote, the Tiphereths, Lenny, Yun, Lulu, Olga, every single npc, librarian, and agent who comes with blonde hair from the generator... Twinks? Stephan absolutely isn't one, Sinclair depends on how you define twink as nobody seems to get to an agreement with that, if you define it as merely "young looking thin man with almost no visible body hair" then yeah he is one, but if you go for any more specific definition than that he stops fitting into the definition almost instantly.

In conclusion: if I see anyone else comparing them I'll start blocking people liberally bc I'm sick of seeing that shit (I do that already tbh but just so you know), now scram

[bengiyo]

Get to Know Me Tag :)

I was tagged by @telomeke and shaded by @lurkingshan.

do you make your bed?

Not usually, but I don't have a partner right now. I find that I'm actually really good at cleanliness when I have people in my space regularly. I am better about taking care of things when I'm doing them for the ease of others.

what's your favourite number?

14, but I couldn't tell you why. I think it has something to do with a girl named Ciara who I sat behind in elementary school.

what is your job?

I fix things for a government agency.

if you could go back to school, would you?

Probably. I didn't really know what I wanted to do when I went to college, and was far too much a mess at the time to study what I really should have. If I could do it and maintain my expenses, I'd retrain for my preferred profession.

can you parallel park?

Yes. I am the gay who drives.

a job you had that would surprise people?

I was paid for over two years to be really good at D&D.

do you think aliens are real?

So... I gotta be honest... I hate this question. This feels as loaded as the "Do you believe in God?" question. We are not aware of the existence of life on other planets, let alone sentient life. There is nothing for me to believe in. Do I hope that there are other intelligent beings out there? Yes. I think it would be really cool to engage in communication with a species that also crawled their way out of the muck and made it to space. I think there's much we could learn from each other about life and the universe itself. But belief is such a loaded term for me as a lapsed Catholic. I do not believe in aliens, but I hope that we'll get to meet some in the future.

can you drive a manual car?

Nope! Never needed to learn.

what's your guilty pleasure?

Hmm... Nothing really anymore?

tattoos?

Nah, I've always worked in the public sector in a way that hasn't made it an advisable choice, and I've rarely cared enough about something to mark my body with it.

favorite color?

Purple most of the time, but my wardrobe would say I'm in my green era.

favorite type of music?

I'm a soft rock 90s kid who embraced a lot of 2000s and later alternative. I've been on a huge synthwave kick lately. However, because I grew up in the 90s and remember the era of radio, I have a deep affection for Soul and R&B, classic rock, and pop.

do you like puzzles?

Yes? But not in a way that makes me yearn for them.

any phobias?

Probably falling, but that seems like a normal one for survival purposes.

favorite childhood sport?

Baseball! I was a shortstop.

do you talk to yourself?

Not often. I don't actually have an internal monologue, so I don't need to talk to myself often to get through it.

what movies do you adore?

This is...so difficult. I'm just going to name a ton of films: Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin, Pacific Rim, Ghost Dog, Master and Commander, The Man From Earth, The Sum of Us, Big Eden, Kill Bill 1 and 2, Knives Out, Muppet Treasure Island, Gattaca, C.R.A.Z.Y., Weekend, First Blood, Robocop, Starship Troopers, Drive My Car, Nine Days, Really Love, Set it Off, Make the Yuletide Gay, Shelter, Pig, Kiki's Delivery Service, The Digimon Movie, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Star Wars IV and V, Isa Pa With Feelings, The Way He Looks... and probably many more.

coffee or tea?

Coffee. Tea does so little for me.

first thing you wanted to be growing up?

A train conductor or an astronaut! Trains are so cool, and space is the final frontier! We have to boldly go where no one has gone before!

I'll tag @shortpplfedup, @negrowhat, @chicademartinica, @so-much-yet-to-learn and @happypotato48

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for kind of being a homewrecker?

some background: i (22f) met this guy (23m, let’s call him rick) freshman year of college, four years ago. we became really close really fast, and we basically had all the same friends (we went to a very small school, it’s hard not to be friends with most people). unfortunately i took a year off of school after freshman year, so i kind of lost contact with all my college friends. when i came back, my friends and i reconnected immediately, but especially rick. we uh… sorta made plans to hook up at that point (we were horny and dumb and mutually attracted enough), but we got to my room and we kissed (which was my first kiss) but it was bad and i changed my mind before anything happened. the thing is, we were still friends after that, and he even told me that he was in love with me and thought that i might fall in love with him. he’s also said multiple times since then that he was being idiotic and that would have been terrible for us, and i agree, so we’re both glad that nothing happened. but since we were now in different grades, we weren’t as close friends, so that year passed without further incident.

fast forward a year (my junior year, his senior) and suddenly we’re getting closer again— we’re in a mutual club and therefore hang out a lot more. i realize at some point in november that oh shit, i have a crush on him. (sidenote— i don’t have crushes. i’d never been in love. ive realized since this that i think i might be on the aromantic/demiromantic spectrum, and i’ve always just said i’m queer because i… have had a very queer experience wrt my romantic/sexual feelings. sooooo.. this was weird). i mention this to another friend, and she informs me that rick had started dating someone.

oof.

so i don’t act on my feelings and hope that they go away. (spoiler: they don’t.) in january we hung out with a group of friends almost nightly. and rick and i flirt. oh god, do we flirt. but i didn’t even notice— that’s just the way that i interact with people, and he mirrors how people around him behave, so it was just a feedback loop of flirting while one of us was in a relationship! and the worst part is that is girlfriend (i’ll call her anne) was peripherally in the friend group; she hung out with the group sometimes, but not super often.

so obviously, a couple of our more perceptive friends tell us to shut the hell up and stop it. at this point i think, you know what? i’ll just avoid him. this lasted about two days, and then one of our mutual friends (i’ll call him joe) tells me i need to talk to rick. he can’t tell me why but i just need to talk to him.

so i text rick and i set up a time to talk to him, which i’m sure was scary for him, but i say him down and told him that we need to stop, because he’s in a relationship and it’s entirely inappropriate and i’m in love with him and he’s my best friend and i don’t want to lose him. and then he laughs. he told me then that he thought i was gonna yell at him to dump anne, because he had told joe that he wasn’t in love with her and never had been. and he thought joe had told me that so i could knock some sense into him.

so uh… he told me that he was going to break up with anne that night. (which, btw, was 2 days after valentine’s day. ouch.) he also said that that didn’t mean anything for us, but… the next day we hung out one on one all day, and then the next day, and then the whole weekend, aaaaand it was kind of a relationship. we started dating. it moved very fast, because we were already friends and we had already talked about sex in the past.

the thing that really pisses me off, though, is that another mutual friend threatened to tell anne about rick and i, so rick had to tell her at a really inopportune time instead of later. she was fine about the breakup before that, but after that she was clearly pissed, and ignored us both for the rest of the year. if it hadn’t happened that way i really think that we could’ve stayed friends, or at least stayed civil, but the way that it happened is still really upsetting to me. rick and i have been dating for almost six months now, and we’re really perfect for each other and i honestly expect to spend my life with him, but the way that it started was just such a mess and it still haunts me sometimes.

(to be clear: rick never cheated on anne. he’s been cheated on before, and has a bit of trauma in regards to that. cheating is just not a possibility for him.)

so… i know that i’m probably an asshole here, but… idk. should it bother me this much? or was it more justified than i think it was?

What are these acronyms?

[lucyandthepen]

a lesson on style - vi . [ ljn | njm ]

pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv., pt. v, pt. vi

you’ve always been content with being associated with one word and one word only: average. average in looks, academics and social skills, you’re just looking to graduate high school without causing disasters you’ll have to live with until you kick the bucket. when you’re paired with school king lee jeno for the semester-long physics thesis, you can’t help but think the entire situation has pretty much set itself up for failure. that is, until you strike a deal with your partner. 

alternatively: an au tale involving lessons in popularity, eleven consecutive B­ minuses, a secretly sensitive, chess­-loving jock, and an amateur sex tape.

pairing: jeno x fem!reader, jaemin x fem!reader verse: high school au { jocks!nomin ft. a super cute whiny ap physics genius renjun } rating: M chapter warnings: none word count: 8.1k

author’s note: this was actually supposed to go on for a lot longer but... it might've reached a solid 13-15k and i just thought it would be better to split it into half-ish, so nothing major happens, although i definitely enjoyed yet another mc/jaemin real talk session that i also hope you enjoy! :^)

tagging: @justalildumpling, @spiderrenjunfics (no longer available, please give me your new url if you're still interested!)

You think now is as good a time as any for you to say something that’ll easily impact the trajectory of your life forever; after all, Jeno’s essentially given you the floor after such a strange and honestly shocking turn of events. You’re aware of the fact that his thumb is still traveling across your cheek, more idle as an action than anything else, but you seem to be experiencing the feeling as something closer to an out-of-body experience than an actual first-hand one; the tingles they send to your heart are weird and blurry, like your body can’t process his touch well enough to understand it fully. You suppose it’s because of your confusion at what he’s saying, which leads to your second option: asking him what he means. 

There’s little to interpret at face value, but what his words do is essentially unlock a torrent of other weird questions in your head. For instance: how long had he known that you liked him? Had he known this entire time? Did something you did make it painfully obvious? If he wants you to like him — and, as he says, only him — does that mean he’s essentially accepting your feelings? Does this mean… he likes you back? 

You assume this is one of those moments where, because your mind is going a million miles a minute, a lot of time feels like it’s passed even though it’s just been a small handful of seconds. This assumption is quickly broken by Jeno’s expression of concern. 

“_______________? Say… something.”

“Um,” you start before you can even figure out what you want to say. The easiest answer comes to mind: It’s always only been you. But that’s weird, and this isn’t a 90’s Western movie, and if it were, you certainly wouldn’t be the eloquent main romance interest, even if Jeno’s gaze could easily fool you into thinking that. You think about making a joke, but you’re befuddled and also fresh from tears that — if Jeno’s abrupt story is actually true — were totally useless and unfounded in nature. 

Also, you’re really not that funny to begin with.  

“I just…” you try again, and his eyebrows raise slightly in anticipation for your next words. Nothing else comes out after a few seconds, though, and he realizes this is just another false start, his hand falling onto your shoulder (maybe he’s tired of trying to coax it out of you with the thumb-on-cheek method, which admittedly had you clamping up more than anything else). 

“You can just tell me how you really f—”

“I think I have to go.” 

No. No. Why would you say that? The surprise on his face quickly morphs into something that looks almost crestfallen, an expression you’d never imagine seeing on bright, confident Lee Jeno, let alone ever be the cause of. His hand slips from your shoulder quickly, like he’s now worried touching you will electrocute him. 

“Oh. I’m sorry — I didn’t… mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m… I’m not.” You’re not, are you? “Maybe a little, but it isn’t really you —”

“Something I said, then—?”

“No, I…” Your fingernail digs into the pad of your thumb, with you trying to use the sting of the pain to jolt you out of this nervous, inarticulate state. “I just don’t think… I have anything of value to say right now.”

“What makes you think that?” 

“Because…” Grappling for words is like trying to break through the surface of water; you’re almost there, but somehow you’re still floundering, and that only seems to be making it much worse. “Because I never really thought about what I’d do… if you really found out I liked you.” 

When you say it, it suddenly makes sense. For some reason, you’d always lived your life shuttling between point A (liking Jeno quietly in the comfort of your own mind palace) and point Z (fantasizing about your life with him where you live in a quaint townhouse with a cute mailbox and three kids), but you’d never really given much thought to all the points in between, especially not one that contains a scenario in which he’d find out and seemingly be okay with it, which, based on the current conversation, somehow seems like a reasonable thing to assume about him. 

You’ve always wanted it — him knowing, him accepting it, maybe even him liking you back —  but it kind of felt like, deep down, you hadn’t really believed it would ever happen. 

And you were kind of content with that, because you wouldn’t ever really have to deal with the complications of it. Right now, you’re feeling unprepared and a little exposed, weirdly vulnerable to his gaze. It once again, for the hundredth time tonight, it seems, triggers some kind of flight instinct in you that has you looking anywhere but at him all of a sudden. 

“You can think about it… now,” he suggests carefully. Being put on the spot doesn’t really ever bring out the best in you — a fact that might be known to people who were actually paying attention to your failed impromptu speech about whale hunting in your sixth grade English class — so you just pretend that the silhouette of Jaemin’s front yard tree is supremely interesting to you all of a sudden, never mind the fact that it’s about a few inches from Jeno’s ear from your vantage point. You don’t really want to see his expression right now, especially if that means it’ll only fluster you back into speechlessness. 

“I don’t really know if I can,” you admit. From your peripheral vision, you see what seems like a flash of discomfort pass across Jeno’s face; you’re sure you just imagined it, considering you’ve never imagined cool, aloof, king of your heart Lee Jeno as exuding anything other than utmost confidence. Still, his next words do make you question that notion twice over. 

“Did I… misunderstand something? Is it that you don’t have feelings for me?” 

“No, I… you know. I… yeah, I do, but I just —”

“You’re seeing someone else?” 

“No,” you say more fiercely, and for a brief moment, you’re so appalled at the thought that your eyes flicker to his, which ends up being a terrible mistake because the confusion in his gaze is so profound that the guilt in you swells tenfold. 

“Because I thought… maybe the reason Renjun and you —”

“He’s — honest to God — he’s just my friend.” 

“And Jaemin is…?”

“My… next door neighbor?” You blink rapidly at the lights still coming from his house, wondering now what Jaemin has to do with all of this in the first place. For someone who seems like he would be extremely uninvolved in this general progress of events, he seems to crop up time and again, weirdly always around when you need someone. Maybe it’s a neighbor thing, or maybe he’s a little nosier than you thought. But thinking about another element in this situation is starting to give you a headache, and you’re way past the time you’re usually already in bed avoiding homework and watching shitty dating reality shows instead. “I don’t really understand what he has to do with this either. I just don’t think I’m prepared to have this conversation at all.”

“But you like me, don’t you?” 

It’s weird, actually, now that you think about it — why does he have to confirm the fact time and time again? It’s almost like he’s worried, although you can’t imagine why he would be. More than anything, you’d kind of assumed that he would find that information pretty repellent, but with the way he’s asking in earnest, it almost seems like he wants to keep the knowledge of that like a talisman. 

“I do,” you admit, mostly because it’s out in the open, but also partially because you’ve made the mistake of looking at him again, and you start wondering how he could even wonder when everyone seems to like him (you, perhaps, to a somewhat unhealthy degree). 

“More than them?” 

“I—” Your brow furrows, another wave of confusion washing over you. But his eyes are much too honest in their questioning, and you speak before anything else can come to mind. “More than anyone, Jeno.”

What looks oddly like relief settles on his face, and you notice only then that his shoulders have been tensed up because he seems to relax them all of a sudden. “Oh. Good. Great. So listen, now that we’re on the same page, I—”

Jeno’s interrupted by one of the guys in a university sweater calling out to him from across the two lawns, voice booming to a degree that sets off a few annoyed dogs in your area. Jeno raises a hand to signal him to wait, his mouth still open on whatever words he wanted to complete his sentence with, but the sounds he was trying to make quickly die into silence anyway, drowned out by a huge crash inside Jaemin’s house. 

You’re not entirely certain of what he wants to say — on the bright side, he could have been ramping up to a point that could easily make all your dreams from middle school to now a perfect reality, but he also could have been setting you up for some kind of grand, embarrassing failure — not by his design or by malice but just by the pointing out of the fact that you two lead different lives and things would likely never work out, anyway, but it’d be cool that you liked him in your own time, and he’d allow it as long as you didn’t get drool all over his notebook in class. 

Either way, you don’t think now, with a bunch of inebriated college people shouting profanities on Jaemin’s lawn and a gaggle of high school kids panicking about what sounds to be a broken table and a whole bunch of pizza on the floor, is the best time to be processing those things.

“I actually,” Jeno turns his gaze to you again, strangely alert, like you’d just whistled for a dog’s attention. You’ve never seen him like this, and it’s weird to think that, at this awkward moment, you can still find him painfully endearing. You have to shake yourself out of the grip of the already beckoning force that tells you to sigh dreamily about how adorable he is. “Think I should really be heading inside. Looks like they also need you for some kind of damage control, anyway.”

The same college kid calls for Jeno again, dragging out the vowels of his name kind of annoyingly. Jeno sighs, nodding slowly enough for you to know he’s caught on — this probably isn’t the right time to have such a weirdly heavy conversation.

“Yeah. I probably need to help clean up, anyway. No one’s going to want to do it, and Jaemin’s already chewed me out for bailing on mop duty a few times.”

“Why’d you bail?” 

“Just… got busy, personally.” He looks sheepish, and it doesn’t take a bunch of lightbulbs going off for you to cotton on as well. Now, you’re just wishing you hadn’t asked, so you didn’t ever have to imagine it. Still, what’s done is done. You have to focus on keeping the discomfort out of your face this time. “Um… that’s not important, though. Anyway —I’ll talk to you soon, okay, ________________? Like… maybe we can catch up at school? You know, talk about our thing — the project, I mean — and like… et cetera?”

“Yeah, for sure.” Your smile’s weak, and so is your joke, but you should at least try to hold up casual pretenses as much as he does, even though he’s obviously much better at it. “I’ll tell on you to Hwang if you don’t, you know.” 

His laugh is soft, but it at least sounds genuine; his smile still reaches his eyes, which already makes your heart feel a little lighter. But instead of trekking off immediately, he lingers, strangely, until his grin winnows down into just the ghost of a smile on his lips. Even weirder are his hands, slightly outstretched towards your waist, like he’s trying to cross the gap between you (even if it’s admittedly very minimal) but suddenly decides not to. The result is him looking strangely stiff and uncharacteristically hesitant, but you chalk it up to him simply not knowing how to end such a weirdly situated conversation. You know you’d have an even worse time doing it if it were up to you, so you can’t really blame him. 

In the end, he closes the dialogue with ‘see you around, ________________,’ and a quick pat on the shoulder, which, if you think about it, seems a little disappointingly different from when he’d had his hand against your cheek a few minutes ago. Then again, you’re not sure you could handle something like that again, anyway. 

You watch him walk off back towards Jaemin’s house, and some pitiful, pathetic part of you is expecting him to look back, say one last goodbye to you, or something, but the university guy that had belted his name out so vigilantly just swings an arm around Jeno’s neck and drags him to a corner where a bunch of other similarly dressed people, to whom Jeno starts talking to almost immediately. 

Cutting this conversation short was probably for the best, anyway; you have no idea what he would have said, but you’re very sure you wouldn’t have been prepared for it either way. You trudge into your house and up into your room, already mentally prepared to spend the rest of the night obsessively mulling over what it all meant and what he had really been planning to say at the end. The process starts some time in the shower, while you’re shampooing your hair and you embarrassingly remember the feeling of Jeno’s hand tangled in it. The moony expression that the thought of it leaves on your face is present up until you see how stupid it looks in the fogged up bathroom mirror. 

Renjun still hasn’t texted you, which is honestly starting to be a source of mild anxiety because you can’t be sure if he’s dead in a ditch somewhere or just ignoring you for some unknown reason. Whatever it is, you leave like three messages wondering where he’s at and asking him to call you. You’re on your fourth message, which is asking to confirm about tomorrow’s movie (something you’d almost forgotten about save for the fact that you’d remembered this would be a point of argument for you both once again if you spaced on it) when a notification pops up that once again gives you a heart attack. 

Lee Jeno: u looked pretty tonight, btw :) 

You: oh!! thank you…!

You: you looked great tonight too…! :) 

Lee Jeno: haha… cute :) 

Lee Jeno: goodnight, ____________ :) 

This is the most emojis you’ve ever seen used in a single brief conversation, and you can’t help but feel like it might be a little juvenile, but it doesn’t even matter because Lee freaking Jeno called you pretty and cute in the span of five minutes. Your thumbs are shaking as you type back a typo-laden goodnight that takes you a full other minute just to edit before waiting a little more, but nothing else comes. Maybe he’s driving home, or something. You toss your phone onto your bed, away from easy reach, before you can start overthinking what this silence means again. 

Your reflection in your window mirrors the same scene you’d encountered in the bathroom: you, hair bundled up in a wet towel, bare-faced with a stupid grin across it. You’re so caught up in the act of reeling from Jeno’s three texts that you belatedly notice a square of light beyond your bedroom window. You almost duck out of sight when you see a shadow there, thinking about crying bloody murder, until you realize it’s Jaemin, who’s watching the ridiculous expression on your face with a curious gaze from a distance. He’s still in the same clothes he’d worn to the party, but you can see, even from this far away, that there’s this dark patch on it that looks suspiciously close to the way your shirt had on the day his coke had emptied itself out on your back. That must’ve been from the crash earlier, you deduce. 

You think he’s just zoning out facing in your direction, and you find there’s no need to meet his gaze, but there’s still something a little unsettling about having someone spacing out in your general direction, so you reach up to pull your blinds down. Your hand almost reaches the string, but Jaemin’s hand suddenly starts going up too, like it’s trying to follow you, and you freeze in your movements. His keeps going, though, up until it’s close to his face, and suddenly, he’s moving it side to side, in some weird regular pattern.

He’s waving, your tired, overworked brain tells you belatedly. The string of your blinds tickles the tip of your fingers. 

Unsure and a little self-conscious, you wave back, hoping he doesn’t notice that you were about two strong pulls away from drawing yourself out of sight. This is clearly the right response, because even from this distance, you can see the brilliant white of his teeth as he smiles, fully and unabashedly, at you. 

The first thing you do when you wake up the following morning is check your phone. You’re not even really sure what you’re looking for — maybe a text from Jeno, who, if you think about it now, probably has nothing to say in response to your boring ‘goodnight’ anyway (but you can still dream), or maybe a missed call or two from Renjun, who should at least be offering you some explanation as to why he was completely out of sight after parting ways with you and Mark Lee last night. 

Unfortunately, there’s nothing on your screen, apart from the stupid 번장 notification that tells you the pocket punch board you’ve been wanting for no good reason has been discounted by the seller to a price you still can’t reasonably afford anyway. 

You certainly can’t do anything about Jeno’s lack of contact, and to be completely honest with yourself, you’re not even really that sure if you want to. Something about yesterday’s conversation, while not exactly a train wreck, makes you very nervous to have a full conversation with him, and you’d much rather it stick to very basic, kindergarten-level things, like ‘you look cute’ and ‘haha’ and ‘:)’, but since that isn’t completely in your control, you decide you simply don’t want to do anything about it.

Renjun, however, is a completely different matter. You don’t understand why he’s ignoring you if he is, considering you had spent the better part of the night (at least, the parts during which you weren’t crying on your lawn) looking for him, so this silence, if deliberate, doesn’t seem fair or even reasonable. You decide that it’s much too early to be getting an earful from you in the end, so you just send a very emphatic ‘WRU?????????????????’ through both text message, KakaoTalk, and Facebook Messenger to him, hoping the repetition of both sentiment and punctuation mark through multiple platforms is enough to faux-yell to him what you’d otherwise be real-yelling to him over the line. You can’t tell if it gives you any sense of comfort to see he hasn’t been online and active for the last 15 hours. 

All the tossing and turning of last night, courtesy of the endless loop replay of “I want you to like me — just me” Lee Jeno edition, had consequently left you worse for wear; you’d gotten up at the rising of the sun (something you’d sworn never to do during the weekend) and had opted to just stay in bed for another hour, trying so hard to get over the feeling of his fingers against your skin that you end up committing it to long-term memory. The sunlight peeking through your blinds is what gets you to throw off your covers and admit defeat to the fact that sleep would never come back at this rate, and you decide to just head down, rubbing the lethargy out of your eyes before you make a poor man’s breakfast. You’re halfway through the jelly slice of your sandwich when your sister comes through the doorway, yawning loud to announce her presence. 

“G’morning, bedhead baby,” she greets, and you use the non-knife-holding hand you have free to rake through your hair. “Big rager last night, huh?” 

“Yeah — wait, how’d you know?” 

“We live a door down from Jaemin oppa’s house? Na Jaemin? Our next door neighbor and his whole family? We can see out the window into his lawn? Sometimes we get our sidewalk trash cans mixed up with theirs? Hello?” Sooyeon smirks, albeit a little sluggishly, as you wave her grating words away. “I saw you out there with him, you know.”

“With who? Where? Who?” You demand, your jelly-laden knife freezing in mid-air, the grape blobs slipping dangerously off the edge onto the middle of your bread.

“You. And Jaemin oppa,” she says each syllable slowly. “In front of our house.” 

“Oh.” 

“So usually how these conversations go is: I bring up a juicy piece of information pertaining to you, and because you experienced it first hand, you have to then expound on the piece of information, thereby making it juicier. ‘Oh’ doesn’t cut it. Not by a long shot.” 

“There’s not much to tell.” You wonder, briefly, if you’re now obligated to bring up the Jeno aspect of the night — which, for all intents and purposes, honestly felt like more of a big deal than anything else — but you quickly decide against it, chickening out when she approaches you at the counter and starts unscrewing the lid of the peanut butter jar. That might be giving too much away, considering she didn’t even seem to notice that you’d been bawling when you’d crossed the property line. “He just walked me back here.”

“Oh, yeah, because that’s what people who live next to each other in a not-so-close-knit community do: walk each other two steps home, to keep the baddies away.” 

“He’s just a naturally nice person, I think. Most people are, aren’t they?”

“I thought you guys were close. Didn’t he give you his varsity jacket? That sounds like a closeness thing.” She knots her index and middle finger together, and you slap it away. 

“We’re close only in the same way as you are.” When she gives you a quizzical look, you sigh. “Proximity-wise.” 

“Still doesn’t explain why he was out there, caressing your hair lovingly.”

You freeze, as opposed to Sooyeon’s comically relaxed posture as she scrapes the peanut butter across your other slice of bread. “He… was not. Caressing me. My hair. Lovingly.”

“I have eyes for the sake of seeing.”

“There was just something in it. In my hair. A leaf.” 

You’re not sure why you lie; the largest part of the reason is that you don’t want to have to go into the horrifyingly awkward details of your emotional state last night, but there’s something oddly nagging at you that you can’t quite place. It takes a minute of staring at your sister spreading the peanut butter evenly across the bread and humming to herself while closing the sandwich up that you realize that you don’t want her getting the wrong impression about anything.

Which is weird, because there’s nothing to misunderstand. 

Jaemin, albeit the fact that he’s been chattier to you as of late, more so than any other time in your life, is still just your neighbor. Maybe he’s graduated from being your sort-of acquaintance to something that vaguely resembles an arm-distance-ish friend, but the notion that you’re anything closer than that makes you feel a bit strange — almost like it… scares you, which is extra weird to think about, because there’s actually nothing inherently harmful about being casual buddies with some guy who lives close enough to wave at you from his window. 

Maybe it’s because it’s Jaemin, and that’s what might be tripping you up the most. He’s not just Jeno’s friend; he’s practically some kind of counterpart to him, and it feels weirdly like a line you can’t cross. Or maybe it’s because… Jeno had asked you about him last night, which had made you feel even stranger. Like he’d been worried about something — like Jaemin was a no-go zone for him, specifically. 

As you dully watch your sister take a bite off of your breakfast, it dawns on you: maybe you just don’t want people to think you like anyone other than Jeno. 

“Okay, well, you know better than I do,” she singsongs in a tone that tells you that you actually don’t. Sooyeon doesn’t press, but she also doesn’t make you feel like the conversation is over — even if she trills I’m going back up; thanks for the sandwich in that same voice before leaving you alone in the kitchen with half of it on the plate. 

Because the truth is that you don’t really know; you don’t know what’s so unsettling about being associated with Jaemin. Your sister’s not aware of the intricate ins and outs of your (delusional) relationship with Jeno, apart from your (apparently evident to everyone) crush on him, but you also know she’s not really deeply invested in where your heart lies; all she does is make conversation, as is her personality, as a form of bonding you’ve never really quite been able to navigate well. 

You just don’t get why the mention of Jaemin, now, makes you feel… something. What that is, you’d rather not dwell on. So you just won’t. 

You’re walking out of the kitchen, cheeks filled with peanut butter and jelly, when you see block letters on cloth, spelling out a familiar last name: Na. 

You still haven’t given back Jaemin’s stupid jacket. 

Today is the day, you decide. This seems to have started the whole conversation to begin with: the jacket that somehow brought Jaemin two steps closer into your life, the article of clothing that had opened the door to what shouldn’t even be a talking point between you and anyone else. 

This should be the proverbial swan song for this whole topic; you snatch up his jacket (and immediately regret doing so in such a brutish manner, noticing you’ve got a few specks of breadcrumbs on the lettering) and head out of your house, your bedroom slippers absorbing morning dew as you march yourself over to your neighbor’s. You should’ve done this earlier, really; there was no reason for you to hold on to it. 

Honestly, you’d just forgotten, given that you were more preoccupied with things that started with L and ended with ee Jeno, but you’d rather not extend any more misunderstandings. 

And even if Jeno isn’t here to see this grand closing gesture, maybe, just maybe, this will help you stop feeling so cagey about everything he’d asked last night. 

I want you to like me — just me. 

Because why would he even think you liked Jaemin at all? Or make it sound like he thought you did? Ridiculous. Unfounded. Kind of alarming. 

There’s noise in the air the closer you get to the Na household porch; it sounds a bit muffled, like it’s fighting the breeze, but you realize thereafter that it’s music coming from a tiny speaker sitting on the hand railing. It’s playing Dongbangshinki’s Here I Am, and something about that song stirs your stomach into swooping ten miles down as you approach. 

Your initial plan was to ring the doorbell and pray that Jaemin was still knocked out cold on a Saturday morning so you could pass the jacket off to one of his parents and be done with it, but you’ve no such luck; it seems like he’s an early riser, considering how he’s seated right there, on a wicker chair by his door, hunched over a half-played chess board. There’s no one across him to block his view of you coming up the steps, and he looks up the moment he hears the creaks of the wood under your feet. 

“Hey, ______________,” he doesn’t look surprised; in fact, he looks a bit relieved, for some inexplicable reason. “Didn’t think you’d be up so early.”

“Could say the same for you.” You have no idea what causes heat to flush across your cheeks; has Na Jaemin’s gaze always been this intense? “Um. Good morning?”

“Morning.” His laugh is an easy one; it always has been, and it kind of suits him, you note, before you realize how weird it is to think that. “What’ve you got there? Gift for me?” 

“Wha — oh, yeah, I mean — no, but it is for you.” You hold up his jacket, hooked on your forefinger, to reveal it to him. “Sorry it took so long to give it back.”

This time, he actually looks a bit taken aback. “Did you stop needing it?” 

“Um… I haven’t really used it, if I’m being honest.”

“Oh. Well, there wasn’t any rush. You could’ve kept it for as long as you needed. No pressure, or anything. I’ve got others.”

“You don’t need it at practice, or anything like that?”

“No; most guys don’t even keep theirs. They give them away, for… you know. So it’s no big deal.”

You fall silent; for some reason, his tone makes it seem like he wants you to keep it, which is just preposterous. You instead hang the jacket onto the back of the wicker chair opposite him and step back, like you’ve just set up a land mine you’re afraid of detonating. 

“Well, thank you all the same. I really… appreciate your help. That day. You know.” You’re not sure why you can’t form any sentences long enough to signify you do actually belong in the same year level as him, but he at least doesn’t comment on your ineloquence.

Instead, he just stares for a bit, at the jacket and your retreating hand, before piping up over his music. 

“You wanna play a round?” 

“What? Oh, I’m…” You wave your hands aimlessly. “I’m not good at chess. Actually, I barely know the rules. Plus, you seem kind of busy playing against… your imaginary friend?”

He chuckles again. “Just playing myself.”

“Trying to outfox the old fox?”

“Sometimes it helps to know how you’d get out of a sticky situation you made by your own doing. Helps you see what your opponent sees when it all boils down to it.” He gestures again at the chair across him. “Humor me a little. It’s not as fun just talking to yourself.”

You hesitate for a second; you came here to return the jacket, and that much was done easily, albeit a little more awkwardly than you ever wanted to. Jaemin’s aura is laid back and friendly, but you’re not sure why you’re teetering on the edge of panic again. Jeno’s words seem to be echoing in your head.

And Jaemin is…?

Jaemin is your next-door neighbor, it’s true, but you can’t say that’s really your only point of connection; if it were, he wouldn’t be expectantly waiting for you to take the seat across from him. And when you look at his hand now, idle against the chessboard, you can’t say you aren’t thinking of the way it patted your hair soothingly the night before. All that does is make you wonder the exact same thing Jeno asked you. 

What is Jaemin to you? A friend, perhaps, and definitely a nice person — nice enough to help you out, keep you company during a few low points. He’s a person willing to listen to you, funny enough to lift your spirits, and genial enough to not break your fingers for returning his things way too late (a low bar, but a good one nonetheless). Na Jaemin is a good individual, with pretty good music taste (based on the fact that his playlist, trudging on next to him, is now playing H.O.T.’s Happiness), and a good disposition about him that seems to make no small amount of people gravitate towards him. 

But you don’t really want to dwell on what Jaemin is to you; more than that, you can only really be reminded of what he isn’t. 

He isn’t Jeno. 

And Jeno knows you like him; he’s not only noticed it but confirmed it multiple times in a single conversation. Surely, then, nothing else should matter to him — or, for that matter, to you. 

You swallow down the refusal and nod, trying not to read into the fact that Jaemin’s face lights up when you pull the chair back and settle down on it. 

“So let me get this straight; you don’t know how to play chess?”

“I know a couple of pieces go in weird directions,” you admit. “That’s about it.” 

“Perfect.” His long fingers drum against the wood of the table. “I’m going to whip you into competitive chess-playing shape, my young pupil.” 

What starts off as a casual, humor-filled lesson on the roles of each chess piece suddenly becomes an actual lecture; you’re not sure if Jaemin is getting a kick out of instructing a rookie like you on the different plays — which are infinite, a fact he’s drilled into you several times — or if he’s really just enthusiastic about the game (no, sorry, sport, since he’s chastised you about three times on this terminology already), but whatever the reason is, you have chess pounded into your brain for the better part of an hour. By the time he asks you to actually start playing against him, the sun’s fully up in the air and you’ve had to tie your hair up to keep it from sticking to your neck. 

“I’m glad you got home safe last night,” he hums, pushing his black pawn to meet yours in the middle of the board. The Italian Game, he called it — not to be confused with serenading someone over pasta, a different kind of Italian game. That had gotten a long laugh out of you. Your hands flit over the white pieces, unsure of your memory. You only respond when you’ve moved your bishop to the same row. 

“Well, it was a very long and tumultuous journey, but I managed, with some help.” 

His knight comes out next, smoothly and quickly; you pause, rubbing the back of your neck. Surely, there was something else he’d taught you? 

“What a chivalrous, ah, knight, that person must’ve been.” He raps a knuckle onto the table, starting you out of the act of racking your brain. “Perfect joke. Well-timed. Excellent chess pun. I think I deserve an award.”

“Does whooping my ass two moves into the game count as a prize?”

“I don’t want to rob you of the feeling of hope this early in the match. Take your time,” he chuckles, leaning back against the throw cushion behind him. He fiddles with the speaker, and the songs skip one by one, until he lands on a song you don’t know — some Japanese track that sounds suspiciously like an animation opening. It’s lively and admittedly a bit loud, and Jaemin hums to the guitar riffs with surprising accuracy. “Anything interesting happen when I left?”

You freeze for a moment, your fingers still hovering over your own knight in hesitation. You know what he’s asking, and for some reason, you’re tempted to tell him — then you remember that it actually isn’t really his business, and you don’t want to embarrass yourself. 

“Not really.” You feign casual disinterest as you move your knight above your pawn line; from here on out, you have no clue what to do. Jaemin, on the other hand, is so sure-footed about his own skills (which are infinitely more advanced than yours) that he doesn’t even take his eyes off you to look at the board as he moves his next piece. You’re stuck thinking about what to do again — in the game, that is. Not about his gaze, which you try to avoid. “Just, you know. Talked with Jeno for a bit. Nothing major.”

Nothing major to him, you remind yourself. To you, your entire world had just been flipped over onto its belly.

Jaemin hums again, this time in understanding, but you notice (from your very surreptitious glances of him) that this time, it seems like he’s choosing what to do. You think it’s for the game, but when he counteracts your own (poorly planned) move with a swift response from his own pieces, you get the odd feeling he’s trying to choose his words carefully. 

“Was it a conversation where you all got along?”

You hadn’t argued, but you’d never really thought about the whole stint long enough to classify it as good or bad. You supposed it wasn’t anything horrible in the end, although the fact that it had robbed you of precious hours of sleep wasn’t exactly the best outcome. But Jaemin’s not watching your expression now; he’s intently looking at the board, even if he’s not the one about to make the next move. 

You get the feeling he’s suddenly avoiding eye contact too, which is weird, because he’s never been one to shy away from looking you straight in the eye. For some reason, that makes you feel like he doesn’t want to hear an answer. 

“It was fine. Nothing… bad happened.” You know that’s true, but somehow you feel like it’s still not truth. “He explained… stuff. Who she was. Why it happened. Totally understandable stuff, I think.” 

You choose not to mention anything apart from that — that he’d asked you to like him, nor that he’d asked you about your relationship with Jaemin. More than deciding it wasn’t going to be anything contributive to the conversation at hand, you also just didn’t want to. 

Jaemin stays silent for a while; he moves his piece, then taps his queen — for some reason, he’s letting you know something about his next move. What it is, you haven’t puzzled out; it’s not like you know which direction he’d be taking, and even if you did, you’d surely not know how to respond to it, anyway. You guess he’s just throwing you a bone, but why he would, you also just don’t see the reason for. 

You’re pushing your pawn hesitantly diagonal to capture one of his when he speaks up again. 

“Did he tell you how it ended? With the two of them, I mean.”

He says it so calmly, capturing your bishop with his queen in the process, that you feel like you’re just talking about the weather and who won yesterday’s league basketball match. You shift uncomfortably in your seat, clearing your throat, but you only actually manage to shake your head. 

“She cheated on him. Some college guy that she met during her orientation; you know she’s older than him, right? He’s never dated seriously since then. I think he was really hung up on her for a while — until recently, that is. I think. He hasn’t been that close to many girls.” 

“That’s… that’s awful.” You’re not sure why Jaemin’s telling you this; it honestly feels illegal to know. “I didn’t think… anyone would. Cheat on him, I mean.” 

“Even good-looking bastards like him can have rotten luck.” Jaemin’s smile borders on wry. “I don’t know why she showed up, honestly. Word probably got around… but she probably just wanted to know what would happen if she stirred something up with him one last time. He likely didn’t see it coming.” 

You stare at the board, unsure of what to say. It makes sense, but something doesn’t really sit right with you either — why Jeno would let her come close to him at all, let alone allow her to completely eliminate the distance between his mouth and hers for longer than a second. Even thinking about it makes you want to throw up all over again. 

“But deep down, I don’t know if Jeno completely got over her.” Jaemin continues, snapping you out of your short trance. “For a while after, they kept in touch. I think they even tried to work it out, but… obviously, it wasn’t easy. Until now… I’m not really sure.” 

“Why,” you swallow hard. “Why… are you… why should I…”

“It’s not easy to be a player when you don’t know much about the game, is it?” He’s still staring at the board, but you get the sense that he isn’t just talking about chess. “Like I said, Jeno’s a pretty complicated guy. It’s not really my place to say anything, but…” Jaemin’s eyes flit upward for a second, and he offers you a small, almost pitying smile. “I think you need to know anyway.” 

“But it has nothing to do with me. His life… I mean, his ex, and stuff.”

“I’m not too sure about that. If you like him that much… doesn’t that just mean you want to be part of his life?” He topples a pawn of yours, but you barely register the clattering noise or the fact that he drags it unceremoniously off the board. “I think you should at least know what you’re getting into. Jeno hasn’t liked someone seriously for a while, but you seem… to be the opposite. How much do you actually know about what he’s like?”

You don’t know why that kind of hurts your feelings; maybe it’s just because you have to face some kind of truth about how you don’t know much about Jeno’s private life, as badly as you want to. You even have to hear about it from someone else — someone easily kicking your ass in a dumb chess match. 

“I think everyone has baggage,” you say slowly, pushing your rook forward. You realize it’s trapped behind two different pawns, so you’ve essentially backed the piece into its own corner. Jaemin doesn’t seem to care; he’s too busy executing what clearly is a ten-stage strategic win on the other side of the board. You don’t really care.

“That’s true,” he concedes, toppling your knight. “But some more than others, I think.” 

“If he wanted me to know, he would’ve told me, right? Yesterday, I mean.”

“That’s may also be true, although I can’t say that with absolute certainty.” He looks thoughtful, and the pause gives you a bit of reprieve — enough to make a bad move that you instantly regret the moment you put your one remaining bishop on a square. Something like amusement flickers across Jaemin’s face, but he doesn’t make a move immediately. “Do you know what makes chess such a great game? In my opinion, anyway.” 

“No?” The uncertainty in your voice is from a lack of understanding at the sudden shift in topic. 

“Whenever you play someone, you get to see what they’re like — what their priorities are, you know?” His finger lands on a rook, inching it back and forth with idle intent. “You see how their mind works, what they’re like when they’re winning or losing, and what they think of you. Check, by the way.” 

You’re silent as his rook captures your bishop, and he picks your fallen piece up and sets it aside with his growing pile of white. 

“I’ve actually asked Jeno to play with me a few times, just for the fun of it. Sore loser,” he laughs lightly, one hand reaching out to lower the volume of his music. You notice the opening bars of Winner’s Really Really come through moments before it’s toned down. “Doesn’t really know or care about the rules, but he really likes to win. That’s kind of what makes him the star player on the team, actually. He really hates being backed into a corner, but all that focus on winning kind of tunnels his vision sometimes. Leaves him open to some attacks from another angle. He really hates that — which is probably why we barely play chess together in the first place. Apart from the fact that he thinks it’s boring.” 

You’re staring at your pieces, now very pitifully winnowed down in number, and you feel stuck. You’re not sure what to do, but you’re pretty sure any move is going to make you look dumb in front of Jaemin, who’s clearly a pro — so much so that he seems to know what you’re going to do before you even decide yourself. 

“You know what I like about your playing style, though?” He interrupts your train of thought again. You look up from the board, bemused; you’ve just been struggling to humor him since your first move, and it obviously isn’t working, since he seems more invested in the conversation than in the game. “You’re just trying your best, even if you’re new at this — even if you think you’re going to lose.” 

“I just don’t want you to think I’ve forgotten everything you just said,” you respond, smiling weakly. 

“You can’t always predict what’s going to happen in a game, even if you know the pattern anyway. Isn’t that just natural about anything in life?”

“You seem to know, though,” you grumble, tugging on your ponytail. You throw in the only option you have left: pushing your queen in front of your king as a last line of defense. “You’re barely paying attention to the board.”

“It’s just constant practice — a lot of hard work on my part. I don’t mind the grind of it, if it gets me somewhere good in the end.” 

“So is that the kind of player you are? Just… a hard worker?” 

“Maybe. I like to look at things from every possible angle. I guess that’s why I like chess when most people find it a headache.” He picks up his queen, rolling it in his palm. “Although, I guess Jeno and I have one thing in common — as players, that is.”

“What’s that?”

“I also really hate to lose.” 

His queen knocks over your own with a pitiful clatter, taking its place on the board. When he picks up your piece, instead of adding it to his knockout count, he offers it to you. You take it gingerly, opting to focus more on it than on the soft smile that’s now playing on Jaemin’s lips. 

“Checkmate,” he announces lightly. “Good game, _____________. You’ve got the makings of a star player.” 

“You’re patronizing me, aren’t you?” You sigh as the two of you start resetting the board; you have to watch Jaemin’s pieces get rearranged to position your own. 

“Only a little bit. I see a lot of quiet drive in you.” 

You place the last of your pawns in a neat row; the board looks like it hadn’t even been touched. “Jaemin, how did you and Jeno become this close? You seem… I don’t know.”

“Yeah, we’ve definitely got our unique quirks,” he chuckles softly. “But Jeno and I… we just go way back, I think. When you’re friends with someone from a young age, you tend to grow with them. He’s a good dude, really, even if our personalities are different, and it’s always a fun event so long as he’s around. Well — mostly. I’d say a good ninety-nine percent of the time.” 

You pointedly ignore the sheepish smile he throws your way. 

“You said before that you’re not the type to… you know, share your feelings, and all that. Then how do you… like what do you guys even talk about?”

“What do you and Renjun usually talk about?” Jaemin grins. “Anything and everything, really. Movies, games, why the jerk from Yongsan International gets on our nerves when he chews his gum. We just… have a tendency to be interested in the same things, no matter if our perspectives are different.” 

While talking to Jaemin is fun, you can’t help but feel like he has a tendency to speak in riddles. You still don’t really see any strong similarities in their approaches to their interests, similar as they may be, but what do you know, anyway? It isn’t like you and Renjun are exactly peas in a pod on paper.

His eyes lose focus for a second, hitting somewhere behind your ear before they quickly turn back to you. You have no idea why this makes you feel a little put on the spot. 

“Hey, you want to have brunch here? My mom makes a mean soybean paste stew.”

“Oh,” you press your hand against your stomach, wondering if the swooping feeling in it is from hunger or something unrelated. “No, I actually just ha—”

“_____________?” 

You swivel around in the chair, and your heart stops; you're not the least bit prepared to see Lee Jeno standing at the foot of Jaemin’s porch steps, a quizzical look very clearly etched on his sharp features.

[jaehunnyy]

[10.05]

Genre: highschool!au, fluff

Word count: 0.9k

Pairing: highschool-boyfriend!San x gn!reader

Warnings: they are hs students but they r both legal and all (im just living my highschool love fantasy sorry), they r kinda rebel haha, pet names, kisses, San pins reader to the wall but nothing rlly suggestive its rather playful, san pouts—a lot, possible grammar mistakes

Taglist: @shakalakaboomboo, @bluehwale, @theficblog, @bluisheye93, @pinkimingi, @ssaboala

A/N: i do not encourage skipping school by any means aodosoao ive never done it actually BUT HERE ITS POSSIBLE OKAY.

Another sunny day in which you could have had fun anywhere else has found you in school. The halls of the big building you were in were filled with some of the pupils' laughter—but mainly with the others' exasperation for the new classes going to start soon. You were surrounded by the bothering motion around you, trying to spot the navy blue uniform you were looking for. Your phone started to vibrate in your pocket, but the fuss was too much for you to hear it. 

On the other side, your boyfriend was all pouty, the thought of not being able to see you during the break upsetting him. He kept calling and texting you, but it was in vain; you wouldn't be able to hear it due to the angry stomps belonging to the ones running to class. It was like the world decided against the two of you that day. 

"Sannie, c'mon, let's go. There's no way you would see them this break," Yunho told the younger boy, just to be met with a pair of puppy eyes, making him sigh. "San, you should stop skipping that much, you're doing it more often than Wooyoung!" 

The younger chuckled, his dimples furrowing his flawless face. "Please, just one minute! I promise it's the last time, dad." 

Yunho widened his eyes, frowning and hitting the other's shoulder playfully. "Don't call me—" 

"Look, it's them!" San exclaimed and jumped happily, opening his arms for you to jump when you reached him, forgetting about the blonde boy whose mouth was now hung open, the words aching to come out. 

The older sighed, though his lips ended up stretching in happiness when he saw how happy you made his friend. You landed in your boyfriend's strong arms, legs wrapping around his waist as he spinned you, not even noticing when the blonde saw an acquaintance of his and went to talk to him, leaving you by yourselves now. And your lack of attention was visible, cause you didn't bother to see the professor side-eyeing you because you were blocking her way—you two might have been in trouble.

"Sorry for interrupting you, Choi. And is that Y/L/N? Why are you not in class, when your teacher is already there?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, making you regain your posture immediately. 

San looked at you for a long time, words stuck in his throat, before you dragged him so the teacher could go to her class and leave the two of you alone. "Sorry, teacher." you replied rapidly, hoping she won't ask anything else. As soon as she left, you let out a relieved sigh, looking one more time at your boyfriend.

"I thought I wouldn't see you." he pouted again, his arms resting on your waist. 

"And I thought you were going to get both of us in trouble with the chem teacher!" you tried to bring him back to reality—but there was no reality when it came to you, he was in his own world.

"But I missed you."

"But it's already over, we are already late, so we should go…" you sighed, returning the pout to him. 

He smirked playfully, pinning you to the first wall he saw. You wanted to protest—but he got closer to you, the warmth of his breath making you forget your words.

"Not if I have a better idea, angel. Wait for me." he said and left immediately, leaving you no choice but to wait for him. 

He went to his class and gathered his things as fast as he could, coming back to you with disheveled hair due to running and his black backpack on his back.  

"Let's skip today, babe. Please?" he asked in a tiny voice, and there was no way you could have said no to him. 

You smiled softly and nodded, and he asked you to wait outside until he went to take your things as well. You did as he said, while he entered your classroom mindlessly, your teacher looking at him, flabbergasted. 

"Oh? Sorry to interrupt, I'm here to take my lover's things." he smiled innocently, and left almost as soon as he came in. 

You then started laughing at his antics, taking his hand in yours and starting to run to the stairs so you could escape your school. Your sweet giggles filled the hallway, making some professors shout after you. 

"Choi, Y/L/N! I'm calling your parents!" 

You and San only laughed harder, the adrenaline and love flowing through your veins stronger than anything. Couldn't they see you were in love?

"Thanks, for skipping school to stay with me." San whispered as soon as you reached the empty school yard, cupping your cheeks and looking into your eyes. 

“Who said I’m doing it to stay with you? I’m doing it to go home.” you teased him, looking at his poked out lips. 

You placed a chaste kiss on them, hugging his waist and resting your head on his shoulder. Even though you saw each other daily, he couldn't get enough of you. He has memorized your features from top to bottom, but everytime he looked at you, he saw something new in you, making him fall harder. 

“You were joking, right?” he asked with a soft voice, still unsure if you meant that or not. 

You smiled in return, linking your pinky with his. 

"Let's go, babe." 

And with a sweet kiss he placed on your forehead, the two of you started to walk peacefully, like the teenagers in love you two were. And even though you should have felt a bit bad for leaving like that, you forgot about it soon, cause everything felt right with Choi San by your side.

[dragonheart2497]

considering the actual definition of a tumblr sexyman these are who I'm advocating for

etho

tall lanky boy

Actually very awkward and silly but drawn badass/sexy by fandom you have no idea how many gay breakdowns I've had over Etho art I mean cough what

Mischievous 

Even his friends refer to him as an eldrich creature 

Usually portrayed as pretty masculine but no matter what, GENDERRRRRRRR

Xornoth

Now. The fandom was already down bad enough for him before his uncorrupted form was shown, and after that, OH BOY.

He's proud about having gone to 'demon high school' and 'demon college' why the fuck do we portray him as sexy as we do he's lowkey a loser he got trapped in a CRYSTAL 

His demon form's not just black and red, he's black and *VAPORWAVE PINK/PURPLE*. 

I'm going to be CLAWING for Xornoth to survive the round against Ranboo oh boy,,

AMENDMENT: I forgot to mention (cc!)Scott: "smash or [pass],,, Smash Xornoth- well, I can't say that, because he's my BROTHER, but... if he was NOT... then yes :3" (from Feb 16 2022 stream I don't have the clip but I have this terrible animatic)

cleo

"are about to let another cishet white man win another competition"

Fuck the skinny tall archetype anyway

They're a badass and that's all there is to it

Goodtimeswithscar

I really don't need to explain this one he's probably gonna win anyway

Doc

I think we're forgetting that Doc fans' reaction to Doc making a tumblr account was to mass-post art of him in a maid dress. This treatment has to qualify in some way

gets lumped into the villain role a lot but at least slays at it

Sparklez

Cg5 wrote a song about his abs. Like literally do I need to say more

I used to ruuuuule the woooooorld HES GOT THE MEMES. HES GOT THE HISTORY IN THE FANDOM

Sausage

..my TL. my poor poor TL. ive seen far too many sexymanified drawings of sausage (god damn you E. And sausage himself for encouraging it all)

Grian

He's only on this list because of Griande

AMENDMENT: also because of watcher fanon, cuteguy, the wacky gender stuff, he's basically our OC at this point like

Tango

OKAY SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU SEEN HOW PEOPLE DRAW TANGO??? HES EITHER DRAWN AS A HOT ENGINEER, A CLASSY GENTLEMAN, OR A BADASS EBOY. THERE IS NO INBETWEEN.

Mumbo jumbo

again. Pathetic guy who's drawn way too hot by the fanartists

He has the 'formal outfit' qualification! And tall he's literally 6'5

Jimmy

see above but x2 he's nothing but a loserboy in Canon why is his fanart kinda,,

He tries so hard to be a badass and the fanartists/writers are who actually give that to him

I know nothing about mp but Reigen reminds me of him

overall I think Etho Scar and Xornoth (might be biased on that one) are the most sexyman