#let me cook oh my god

[joejhang]

no cos aftg shadowhunter au when. neil as clary because they're both redheads (auburn whatever) and evil fathers. the parabatai bonds would go CRAZY. cos i feel like jean and neil would be parabatai because kevin and r*ko would be. oh that's a little crazy.

[grimlyink-but-creative]

“Head In The Flowers.”🌷👁️

[whatudottu]

Combined with the mortifying realisation that loopified Odile (now named Nokosu) took me multiple hours to draw the first time, I decided to try and make one speak in Japanese :) :) :)

The Japanese sentences will be under the cut plus a more literal translation and some research notes-

自分は遺残の神である。「遺す」と呼んでもいいし、「残」の字を使ってもいい。お前 の草白鳥は、すでにお前 の小烏から 「イサ 」という名前を取っている。二人の人間に同じ名前を使うのは混乱しないか？ヴォーガルド語の「サ」の発音は「ザ」に近いので、特に必要である。そうだろう？

or in Romaji

Jibun wa izan no kamidearu. 'Nokosu' to yonde mo īshi, 'zan' no ji o tsukatte mo ī. Omae no kusa hakuchō wa, sudeni omae no ko karasu kara `Isa' to iu namae o totte iru. Futari no ningen ni onaji namae o tsukau no wa konran shinai ka? Vu~ōgarudo-go no 'sa' no hatsuon wa 'za' ni chikainode, tokuni hitsuyōdearu. Sōdarou?

Literally translated Nokosu says;

I am the god of remains. You may call me “Nokosu", or you may use the [Chinese character] for “remain". Your grass swan has already taken the name “Isa” from your little crow. Isn't it confusing to use the same name for two people? It is especially necessary since the pronunciation of “sa” in Vaugarde is close to “za”. Wouldn't you agree?

And for the explanations of a monolingual English speaker with barely even surface level understanding of Japanese.

Throughout my entire journey, Jisho.org kanji dictionary has been my saving grace and backbone in my choice of Nokosu's name and what first and second person pronouns one uses. My initial goal was to find a name for survival or persistance which lead to me finding terms like; 存続 (sonzoku) meaning survival, 存 meaning exist and 続 meaning continue; 耐久 (taikyuu) meaning endurance, 耐 meaning the affix -proof (of bulletproof or soundproof), 久 meaning long time; and finally 遺残 (izan) meaning persistence, 遺 meaning bequeath, 残 meaning remainder.

To kinda help expand my knowledge of the terms I was using, I also used a combination of google translate (primarily for the pronunication of words less the actual translations) and DeepL to kinda get the sweet deets and found that izan had meant - a more common definition - remains. It. Was. Perfect.

Perfect save for one thing... Isa- Sure, Isabeau is his full name and written down Isabeau and Izan are unique enough, but technically functionally the 'sa' in French (and thus in Vaugardian) is more voiced than the 'sa' in Japanese and sounds more like the 'za' in izan, and to have Odile refer to Nokosu as Izan when "only [Siffrin] call[s] him Isa" is an in-game quote; to say I was miffed was an understatement.

But then... I turned to words that use those individual kanji and hoped to mix and match to find what I wanted.

My first direction was to turn each kanji into hiragana to find their pronunciations and piece together a word from that; 遺 in isolation is noko, 残 in isolation is zan. Finding the term no ko zan-kiri (のこざん切り) on google gave me 'chopped into pieces' which well- look at my design that's a lot of pieces! のこ残 or nokozan (turning the first character into hiragana of course) lead me to 'remnants of a servant's body' as it's main translation on DeepL, but it also provided 'backbreaking exertions' as well as 'remnants of a defeated soldier'. Plus using DeepL again izan itself full kanji gave me 'vestiges' 'bequest' 'afterlife' and the ever present 'remains'.

None of these however were getting me closer to an ample replacement for izan however, not until I returned to jisho.org to pick out words from a list using either kanji.

Turns out, both 遺 and 残 can be pronounce 'noko' so long as it is followed by the hiragana す or su. And guess what either spelling of the word translates into? The 遺す version meaning to leave (behind), to bequeath, and the 残す version meaning that same thing but more, to leave (undone), to save/to reserve, to stay (in the ring).

SO! SO! That is how Nokosu came to be named! But- what about the Japanese phrase I wrote?

Well- let's stay on the Nokosu theme now that any Japanese readers in my audience have already processed the meta-joke that can only really exist in Japanese writing (or maybe not a joke but like... a fourth wall acknowledgement). Nokosu already introduces oneself as 遺す though doesn't mention how to spell it (since it's already spelt out to the reader), then introduces the second variant of the spelling exclusively referring to the second kanji of Izan 残 as zan. Maybe it's not really a joke but it'd kinda be like the 'you use he/they, it's in your profile' equivalent.

I suppose an attempt at a joke was Odile thinking 'a very wordy Expression', but that's mostly from observing that translations through DeepL stopped run on sentences occuring from English to Japanese so... I have no idea if constant uses of commas isn't particularly Japanese, at least the joke would be that Nokosu is particularly more chatty than Odile might normally be.

And once again, people who know Japanese may have noticed the use of jibun (自分) and omae (お前) for Nokosu's pronouns. Lowkey I was thinking initially of making Nokosu's first person pronoun oira a la sans undertale 'country bumpkin' but found more interesting things with jibun and omae that I settled on those versions. jibun, a neutral formality pronoun literally meaning 'oneself', when used as a personal pronoun (like Nokosu does) it's with a sense of separation of distance to the self; I also found out in my translation hunt that jibun can be used as a second person pronoun which is very fucking fitting given who Nokosu talks to, but that's specifically from in the Kansai dialect and - well - I can't say for certain where Odile hails from especially since Japan in ISAT is Ka Bue, but she'd be well educated enough to connect the dots that Nokosu lays down. On the other hand, Nokosu's second person pronoun is omae (Fist of the North Star fans will remember it from the very iconic 'omae wa mou shindearu'), which is incredibly informal and very rude when said to elders (though in age technically Nokosu is older) as it's meant to express the speaker's higher status in non-casual relationships.

To note, though omae can be used by both genders, it and jibun are mostly used by men and in the case of omae it's more commonly used to refer to their wife or lover. This has a little extra significance to background headcanon where Nokosu calls Odile Nanafushi (七節) or literally walking stick AKA a stickbug as ones version of 'Stardust', but sometimes Nokusu would split the word in half and refer to Odile as 'Nana' which in English sounds like one is referencing a grandma but (BUT) I'm specifically using the French term which translates to 'chick' 'babe' 'girlfriend'. So when I saw that omae can also be used for that purpose, it really goes to show that at some point Nokosu had the time to perfectly craft a version of oneself that does get on Odile's nerves and has the gall to get away with it at least initially under the assumption that one is an Expression.

I've been trying to make this flow from one point to another but I don't know how to jump to Japanese nicknames, at least not the metaphorical ones that I used here (and took inspiration from the Word of God Odile nickname for Siffrin 'Little Crow'). What little I do know about Japanese nicknames is that they may take alternate readings of single kanji as a nickname or repeat a character, though that is in reference to Japanese names in the first place. I did see something about the metaphorical sort of nicknames that have connotations in the language itself but- honestly this is my most monolingual English moment yet. I will explain however what I did decide.

草白鳥 or kusa hakuchou is the character for grass 草, and the kanji combination for swan 白鳥. In DeepL however 草白鳥 translates to grasshopper and though I signifcantly lack the cultural context to know what grasshopper symbology has in Japan, I do know in English you call someone a 'grasshopper' because they're tall. But why start with grass swan at all? Well- maybe it's a stretch for whatever fantasy time-period ISAT takes place in to use an internet term but, 草 has been used in internet slang to mean lol or haha since 'w' is also a version of lol or haha, and when spammed like so - wwwwwwwwwwwww - it looks like grass. The reason for swan would be because of I guess this idea of beauty? Less due to Odile specifically considering Isabeau beauty and more so taking note of his care to his appearance - whether it be how he presents his perception of his appearance or how he makes people belief a different thing about what his views about his appearance are, white swan or black swan - and that whatever the case is, he does take pride in maintaining that appearance; a retroactive meaning to the nickname, especially when Isa starts more casually bringing up the fact he *had* Changed, would be an incidental reference to the ugly duckling, who ended up not being a duckling at all and was a swan all along. Whether the nickname actually works or not I don't really know, but what it boils down to Odile's nickname for him (and thus Nokosu's only title for him beyond fighter) would really mean 'funny (tall) beauty' which would probably fluster Odile to admit it as Isa would hearing it.

An interesting thing I found while finding kanji for little crow (specifically 小烏) was that there is actually kind of already a word for it already, Kogarasu Maru or 小烏丸, AKA "Little Crow" which is a unique tachi sword rumoured to be crafted by a legendary swordsmith like-! I don't know if that was at all intentional on Insertdisc5's part (and if I should change the pronunciaton of the romaji version of the original text to kogarasu), but beyond Siffrin's little habit to collect every little thing that shines and doesn't, what do you mean there's a unique tachi sword named 'little crow' that's like literally so Siffrin-coded I SWEAR TO GOD!

Oh, and I played ISAT in Japanese to get the correct spelling of Vaugarde and 語 (go) is just the suffix for language AKA the difference between Nihon the country and Nihongo the language okay BYE!

[mayowayo]

tsukasa with a personality disorder. he based his entire life off of his sister he needs to question if this is what HE actually wants.

tsukasa resenting saki because their parents only focused on her. he feels so bad for it but he also doesnt. hes only human.

tsukasa realizing that his parents are ignoring him. theyre barely present in his life, and they barely ever were in the past. sure saki needed more attention, but they didnt need to ignore him like that.

tsukasa, a little younger, wishing that he would get sick so that his parents would pay attention to him too. not understanding why he's not as loved as she is.

tsukasa looking at the stark difference in the way they parented him and saki. wondering what he did wrong to make them act this way towards him.

tsukasa wondering if he was a girl, maybe he would get loved a little more. treated a little better.

[swordmaid]

the way ive been SCREAMING over this wip christ.

[agdreamtale]

CJ I JUST SAW WHAT YOU SENT YOU BET YOUR ASS THAT IS GETTING ANIMATED BUT I'M ON MY WAY TO A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING RN SO IT'LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I'M HOME

-wyllaztopia

[zzoupz]

I actually made daisuke trans bc he reminds me of myself a lot. if it wasnt seen as so sexual i'd have drawn him with tits

[speckled-biscut]

DAY THREE- CONTROL

[a-driftamongopenstars]

eris lore?? drifter lore?? osmium siblings lore???? drifteris lore?? we are SO ON. WE ARE SO ON. i'm going to AHHHHH.

[hiatedateus]

I hate it when dan and phil say words what do you mean i associate simple nouns to them now

[lalizah]

The lovely and talented @serenpedac tagged me for WIP Wednesday (in an alternate universe, somewhere, it's totally Wednesday so I'm not late 😁) and the absolutely amazing and incredible @grapecaseschoices , @fauville , @carriehobbs , @itsmistyeyedbi and @wayhavenots tagged me to share the last line I wrote! I have a piece that's just Liz's POV that I wrote right after re-reading and re-watching Pride and Prejudice (:D) so it has a slightly different style than my usual writing! It's just Liz and her misery™ and idk if I'll be able to fit it somewhere but it's definitely Liz lore intensive and great to go back to when I'm writing about her! Also shared the last line I wrote which is ALSO the first line for something new hehe I decided to rewrite it from the start and only got the first line down lol

Read below!

ELIZABETH LANGFORD'S MISFORTUNES WITH LOVE

As much as Elizabeth Langford believed in love, she was unfortunate, always, to find that no one believed in it as much as she did. "Perhaps," she'd think every now and then, "I have been in love." "It was wonderful when I believed it to be," a small afterthought would follow. The reassurance would last for about a month or three before she'd be painfully reminded of her insignificance to those who had vowed their undying adoration in a manner most extreme. Every memory her mind sifted through turned from rose pink to a violent blue, every word and action now a ploy to dissect, as she felt she had been played a fool once again. "How dare I," she'd ruminate in disappointment, "How dare I believe I was worth so much when I was, in fact, worth absolutely nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing!"

You see, a hopeless romantic she was (and she had naïve, brown doe eyes to show for it), and as soon as she'd meet someone she'd admire—oh, as soon as they'd take a step (more like feign taking one)—Miss Langford would cross an entire ocean, climb mountains, and brave the worst storms to fulfill her part as a faithful, ardent lover. Her love, despite her "lover's" absence, would keep her content and patient for days. Months later, a nightstand devoid of letters gleaming in ink-black, passionate reassurances and cold, lonely, painfully silent nights would force her to look reality in the eye, its face twisted in amusement, mocking her childish behavior. The wind beating against her hotel room's window almost sounded like it was tutting.

Not even a single phone call or half-attempts at parting with some civility.

She would not throw fits of rage or cry herself to sleep. She would not drink herself into oblivion or dance with so many faces that she'd finally forget the one she'd think of night and day. No, Miss Langford would laugh. A mockery she had made of herself, and she played her part quite splendidly. The fool. Fool, fool, fool.

"How foolish," she'd say with a smile lacking all its mirth, eyes glazing with tears that refused to fall, heart beating solemnly in her chest. The same heart that landed her in that mess would ultimately comfort her with dull thuds that almost felt like pitying pats on her back. Almost.

Something better, shinier, far more dazzling than herself would take her place and make a debut, and she would—

What could she do?

Crying and jealousy demanded acceptance, anger required that she admit defeat, and Elizabeth Langford detested the very thought of losing. So indifference it was. A skill honed to perfection, a craft she had labored over day and night, providing her with results so fruitful she could now fool herself just as well as anyone—and everyone—else.

How miserable! Lying to oneself, believing it to be self-pre­­­servation.

---------------------------------------------------

Last line:

—Wayhaven, two years after Agent Khan-Langford's passing. Three years after Murphy's blood experiment —

[pilmyeol]

guy in this thing im reading is on a reality show n the editors are making it look like hes into one of the other people to the point where even she thinks he might be and sometimes she does something that makes him stare at her with a weird expression on his face and he keeps helping her out with stuff even though hes also half trying to avoid her. and this misunderstanding cant be cleared up because her older brothers violent death in his arms was so traumatic for him that he wont even tell her they knew each other. she asked and everything and he just said nothing.

[akkivee]

CONGRATS TO BB FOR THEIR VICTORY WINNING THE STREAM ❤️❤️❤️

my brain is at it’s limit so i processed and retained very little of the movie lmao, but my general impressions/likes/whatnot:

GODDAMN EVERYONE LOOKED GOOD HOLY FCKING SHIT BRO

like there were several moments that made me shocked these were 3d models like they’re incredible 😭😭😭

i loved the op lmao like it was so fun seeing everyone walk around their cities godzilla style, seeing 360 3d interpretations of everyone’s base png and the individual looks they gave at the camera like ichiro flashing his fangs, hitoya smirking as he smooths down his hair, rei winking at the camera

LIKE THE WHOLE MOVIE HAS ALL THESE LITTLE TOUCHES ITS SO FANTASTIC THEY DEF KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING WHEN THEY MADE THIS MOVIE PURPOSEFULLY REPEAT WATCH CINEMA YOU NEED TO REWATCH IT MULTIPLE TIMES TO CATCH EVERYTHING

i need to save the kuukou meltdown for later bullet points lol but bat’s pre battle meeting was my favourite (says the bat fan lmao) like iirc that was kuukou summoning his team at dawn to mediate on their upcoming battle and to show what he did with their bat victory banner. kuukou the absolute madman hung that banner up on nagoya castle, the like actual jp cultural heritage marker and jyushi and hitoya were rightfully appalled LOL but the sun dawns at the reveal and kuukou sets forth with it HES SOOOOO—

also shout out to hifumi for like, murdering one of his fans out in the open in the middle of the street

i probably shouldn’t be since this is both a continuation but also an entry point for casuals/returnees, but i was a bit taken aback by hifumi needing his jacket to talk to girls still, and rosho having stage fright. but again, it’s a gateway movie lol!!!!

on that rosho note tho, sasara’s little tv show bit was so funny lmao, rei being the producer was frying me and rosho snapping out of his stage fright at rei’s reveal was so funny LOL

i already yelled myself raw about bbbat’s battle but they apparently weren’t done making me scream cry and throw up when kuukou was launched out of their entrance stage style and ichiro felt that impact from across the field and like. exposéd about their past that he still carries with him and kuukou doing the same on his end. but they’ve got their teams to fight with now!!!!!

i sure hated watching bat lose lol but it was nice seeing kuukou standing firm and telling jyushi and hitoya to stand with pride too 🥹🥹🥹 and his face when he decided to talk to ichiro before setting out god if i could get every sINGLE EXPRESSION KUUKOU MAKES IN THIS MOVIE TATTOOED ON MY FCKING BODY—

ichiro looking like a kicked puppy for beating kuukou!!!!! but kuukou smiling at him and telling him to not waver as he fist bumps his heart!!!!! soppy sappy lovey dovey fond ichiro gigging even tho that apparently hurt!!!!!

KUUKOU SERIOUSLY LOOKING AT ICHIRO AND TELLING HIM HES LEAVING IT TO ICHIRO!!!!! ICHIRO TELLING KUUKOU TO LEAVE IT TO HIM!!!!!

AND THEN KUUKOU SMIRKS AT HIM HIS LIPS SLIGHTLY PURSED LIKE THAT WAS A WHOLE ASS SMOULDER AT ICHIRO DEAR GOD THAT MAN WANTS HIS MAN

AND ICHIRO THUMPING HIS OWN HEART RIGHT WHERE KUUKOU HAD AS ICHIRO CARRIES THEIR SHARED WILL AND GO FORTH TO THEIR NEXT BATTLE

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I LOVE THEM SO FCKING MUCH

i actually really liked the beat on out of harmony!!!! it was a little offbeat but it was simply that; an out of harmony beat lol!!!!! like it wasn’t doing too much and it felt like rap in that sense lol

and i loved the additional like symbolism behind making dhmtc’s speaker reveals mirrors of each other’s and yet their song is again, called out of harmony lol

samatoki’s vocals were really cool in this song lol

samatoki was also really cool when he lost lmao

i’ll never understand why juto takes off his glasses when he’s frustrated but it was fun to see that trait of his brought back lmao

i wish i could remember what their conversation was, but fr my heart kinda skipped a beat watching mtc console each other on the loss samatoki was really really cool when he lost LOL

posse seeing thru ramuda’s nerves and messy feelings about jakurai was sweet but props to gentaro reading him on that first glance bro, ramuda’s mask was firmly in place when he said he wasn’t nervous and i fully believed him 😭😭😭

and sensei not quite understanding his own feelings about ramuda until dohifu talked him thru it, he wants to be friends with ramuda again 🥺🥺🥺

sensei’s hair is really pretty in this movie btw lol

just getting that out there now bc like

JEEZUS THE RMJK IS THIS MOVIE IS CRAZY????? LITERAL ROLLING AROUND ON STAGE GET…… GET A ROOM????? IN FRONT OF MY METAPHORICAL SALAD?????? WONT YOU THINK OF THE CHILDREN I THINK YOU FORGOT TO ASK CONSENT FROM THE US THE THIRD WHEEL—

and maybe that scene kinda just like broke my brain bc i can’t remember what the song itself sounded like LOL

also the scene where jakurai and ramuda making up but not making up (ramuda: there’s no need for us to be friends bc we’re already friends right??? but actually >:PPP) started out so poorly lmao

jakurai: you have lost the battle

ramuda:………i mean duh we just had it????

but sensei calling ramuda ‘ramuda-kun’ 🥺🥺🥺

the full mvs were really cool!!!!!!!!! someone in kr is a die hard kendrick fan i will say that about bb’s three kings lmao

shomonrafuku is so fun i just wish i knew what folktale it’s riffing on 😭😭😭😭 and see i def need to watch that one again bc i swore at the beginning that mask had two green eyes behind it and not just rei’s heterochromia at the end 😭😭😭😭

i read a dojaku fic forever ago about jakurai accepting his fate and sinking into the depths and was pulled out by doppo. i was thinking about that fic watching bless u’s mv lol

the symbolism in that mv was going crazy like actually lmao

anyway good for the bros, rallying for both the panel and stream good show great movie let me talk to you about kuukou tho

HE WAS UNFATHOMABLY COOL AND GORGEOUS IN THIS MOVIE I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EYES LMAO

LIKE HIS STILLNESS DURING HIS MEDITATION SCENE THE SLIGHT GLOW TO HIS EYES THE WAY THE COOLS IN THAT SEEM MADE HIM GLOW I SWEAR IM NOT (TOO) DELUSIONAL LOL

THE WAY HIS EYE MAKEUP SWEEPS UP ONTO HIS UPPER EYELID WHEN HE CLOSES HIS EYES I LOVE HOW WIDE HIS MOUTH IS IM ACTUALLY NOT DONE CRYING OVER HIS EYES THEYRE SO EMOTIVE JUST LIKE IN THE MANGA

I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF KUUKOUS HAIR A BIT ON THE THINNER SUDE BUT ITS SO FULL AND FLUFFY AND BOUNCY

HIM HOPPING OVER NAGOYA CASTLE AND SLIDING UNDER WHAT I THINK WAS HORI BRIDGE

AND THE WAY HE STRUTS UP WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS SUKAJANS POCKETS

AND THE WAY HE SOMERSAULTED OUT OF THE LAUNCHPAD STAGE ENTRANCE HES THE SAUCIEST CHARACTER BRO HES SO COOLLLLLLLLLLLL

[winterrinpariss]

i’d like jaytemis more if the writers made jason the girl in the relationship

[boxtens-askblog]

is voxy fronting in some of the photos? by that i mean... was it in control of the body during some of those times?

uhm.. I guess so.. maybe back after Shrimpo twisted.. I don't think I was all there for that bit..

[kangaracha]

daffodil + chan

a song

the prompt: daffodil (a god bows before a mortal)

read it on ao3

---

"You have no power over me."

running through his hands like water, and suddenly the earth is not his to control. The skies do not turn with the twist of his head, lightning does not fork in the air when his eyes, dark as night and yet still lit by some unearthly light, fall upon you, his mouth wide as if to gasp for a breath he cannot take-

And yet, still, it shivers down your spine; the magic that draws you here even as you rip it apart, the prize of your conquest to rip the world into two.

"Take it back," he hisses through his teeth, the ground trembling with every syllable that slides down his tongue. You watch his mouth as it forms the words, the flash of teeth behind thin lips reminding you of the way that the swordsman you'd fought through to get here had smiled at you - the last of his seven challenges, the last of his demons, or angels, or citizens of the sprawling, damned city he claimed as his kingdom.

And here you stood, at the pinnacle of the eighth, and stared him in the eye without cringing away because now you knew the truth. Now you knew that what he whispered in the dark was a lie and what you saw with your eyes wasn't always true, and though he may be a god and a king amongst beings that you could never hope to rival, a god can only hold as much power as you give him. A god can only claim dominion over a beast that bowed to his dogma. 

You see now that you are no beast. You are no believer in any lie he utters to the darkness.

"Take it back," he says again, the note of his voice changing. He pleads, his brow furrowing and his shoulders curling in as if waiting for the final blow. "Take it back now, before it's too late."

"I can't," you tell him, and you watch him fall to his knees, and you know that it's wrong and your heart pounds in your chest and it

like the ground does at the impact of his knees, crumbling into the pieces it was in when you first took his hand, alone on the side of the road with only one thing to call your own. And what was that thing, the little warmth you'd held to your chest in the dark and the cold? What had you traded away for the comfort of the house that crumbled around you now? Why had you destroyed him to get it back, where was it now, why did it not appear within his hands at this, the hour of his reckoning?

"Please," he spits into the cold ground, the dirt and the leaves and the curl of ivy that grows up the walls around you, old and ancient and not yet sprouted from its roots all at the same time. His hands curl in the dirt like he can reach down and pull the earth to him, like he can stop the wane of his power if he just tries to hold on a little bit tighter. "I know what you want, and I don't have it. I can't lose-"

Broken, fragile thing. Small god of limited earth, crouched at your feet like he might worship you instead. You'd thought him all-powerful once, and then you'd thought him severe and his servants and beasts and playthings petty, and then you'd thought him

because he'd smiled at you in the garden that bloomed from his own hands when you expressed your desire for a flower to tuck in the braid of your dark hair, and his hand had been soft in yours, and when he looked out across his kingdom and the clamouring faces of the people he'd brought to live there, he'd looked at them the same way that he'd looked at you.

Beneath your foot, the ground cracks, fracturing outwards like a spiderweb. It's your heart, you realise morosely, sinking from your chest and into the depths of the earth, disappearing with whatever he'd taken from you; and it was a wretched thing and it had betrayed you a hundred times over, but you still mourn at the loss of it and all the dreams it had carried with it. It blooms in your flowers in the corners of the room, embeds itself into the land and sings along with the song of his power, a thing you can hear but cannot touch, a beast once born that now does not belong to you.

"I'm sorry," he says, his breath like mist in the cold air, and even without your heart, you can't bear to see him so cold.

Your hands reach for him without permission, your body kneeling in the dirt before you can stand your feet firm upon the earth and refuse to move. He flinches away, but your fingers are soft upon his chin and the curve of his jaw, gentle when they brush the soft dip of his neck. "I only wanted to know what it was," you tell him with a voice that cannot hold itself steady. "I thought if you loved me, you would give it back." It's the only voice you have - you are not like him, or like Felix, speaking with many tongues. You don't have any power of your own.

"It's because I love you that I can't give it back." His voice is hoarse, every word a knife that he swallows without ever once flinching. "It's because I love you that I couldn't tell you what it was."

"But didn't I deserve to know?" you question. "Doesn't my life belong to me?"

Finally, his eyes rise, looking up at you with a fire that belies the cold of his skin. "Of course it does," he gasps, and his hand reaches up, dirt-stained fingers dragging at your cheek. "That's why I gave it to you, and I never asked for anything else."

"But you wouldn't give back what you took in the first place."

The sudden violence of his voice crumbles the walls and fractures the sky, the clouds blooming te dark colours of a bruise. The absence of his hand on your cheek stings in the cold; his face turns away, screwed up in regret and a pain he won't allow you to feel. You lurch forward before he can disappear, drawing him into your arms; stiff shoulders, spine of beaten steel, slow beat of a heart you once held in your hands. 

He'd stood so tall and unmoving in the morning light, when you'd first walked down this path, and now in the dark of the setting sun and the ending of the earth, his weight slumps into your grasp, his resolve melting into the warmth of your body. "I didn't want you to suffer again," he says to the soft cotton of your shirt and the curve of your collarbone, his breath a whisper against your skin. "I couldn't watch that, when you asked me to make sure it would never happen again."

Surprise comes in the pause of your breath and the still of your arms, the jump of a heart you're not sure you still possess. "I asked you to make me forget?" you question the world behind his back, and into your neck, he sighs.

"You couldn't forget," he murmurs. "She was dead before I found you, and when I took her from your arms - you couldn't forget. There was nothing I could do to fix what had been broken. And then you begged me to let you forget, so I remembered her for you." He pauses, his throat hitching like he's swallowing something down. A sob maybe, or the tears he will never let fall. "I can't give her back though. She's not here anymore."

You push him upright, your hands on his shoulders, his neck, his face. Brushing away the hair that falls in his eyes, wiping at the blood that drips from the cut on his cheek. "Why didn't you tell me?" you ask, because the answer is incomprehensible. "Why did you let me go this far?"

"Because I was scared," he admits, and his teeth clench and his spine stiffens against the urge to hide away from you again. "Because I'm a wretched, evil, stupid thing who thinks they can-"

His words die in your throat; vile, wretched things that you store away to spit out later, into the ground where they belong. He is none of that; he is soft, and hesitant, until your fingers find the sharp curve of his hip and the lines of his back, dragging him closer and his lips open like there is nothing in the world to devour but you and