#also general thought process of “cant control time”

[speckled-biscut]

DAY THREE- CONTROL

[badass-queer-couples-battle]

Propaganda:

For Orufrey: "They're tragic wlw who have devoted their lives to each other since they were kids. They live together, they cook together, they're raising four girls together and they're doing the best they can. Olruggio would do anything for Qifrey if Qifrey would just Let Him 😭 but Qifrey is dead-set on protecting Olruggio and keeping him safe and in the dark no matter what it costs... i cant 😭..."

"Man I don't know they just have the vibes. They have toxic yuri energy but they are two grown men. They've known each other since their apprentice days and have stuck together ever since. Qifrey's main magic type was something he took up because Olruggio proposed that he learned to control the water he feared. They live together away from most of society with Qifrey's four apprentices, living the sapphic cottagecore (ateliercore???) dream. Qifrey, due to the fact that his eyesight is very much failing, something which is very problematic when it comes to witches, who need their eyesight more than most, is getting very desperate to get all he lost to the Brimhats, the witches who took one of his eyes and his memories, and Olruggio ends up noticing this pursuit and is implied to have done this more than once. Qifrey does not want Olruggio to know about both his failing eyesight and his goals, so he ends up completely wiping Olruggio's memory of those things, and laments that Olruggio is a kind person, and one who would most likely forgive him again, but also one who would try to save him, even when he didn't want to be saved. He also apologized right up until the moment Olruggio's memories of his secret were gone. In general I think chapter 40 is the somewhat toxic guy yuri chapter ever. I'm very tired so I do not know how to explain any of this, I just thought "wow Orufrey reminds me of this one poll I saw on Tumblr" and then spent three days straight hunting for your blog before completely forgetting my reasoning for Orufrey being yuri right before I submitted this."

For Joongdok: "Well first of all Yoo Joonghyuk has a whole arc that is transfem coded as hell (has a power/technique that can technically only be used by women but somehow he can also use it, for a time he even turns into a woman to wield it and it's. Actually just let me get the quote "The ines of the face had changed but it was clearly Yoo Joonghyuk. No, it was even more than before.") that just kinda happens,, and doesn't get brought up again but anyway. Second of all just look at them. You see the vision. Also a bonus observation is that these two often get shipped in a poly ship with Han Sooyoung and whenever I see people make a "regular couple, yaoi couple, yuri couple, I see no difference love is love" meme with them the combination of which pair among these three is which of the categories is always different"

Note: This submission also mentions Han Sooyoung, but I decided to count this polyship submission as guy yuri as well.

"They love each other, they pretend they don't care for each other but all their actions prove they care too much, if you remove someone from the trio then the resulting duo is extremely dysfunctional, as evidenced by more than a million words of canon. Is it technically guy yuri? Well, Han Sooyoung is a woman, but in a way she's one of the guys. Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk are men, but the text heavily hints that Yoo Joonghyuk is a trans woman who's just too busy and stressed out to transition yet, and Kim Dokja has just never thought about his own gender a single day in his life. They made the world for each other, they went back in time countless times and waged countless wars for each other, they wrote and read and lived a story, their story, for each other and that's what saved them all. The way Han Sooyoung writes Yoo Joonghyuk's story to save Kim Dokja and loses herself in the process, the way Yoo Joonghyuk voluntarily lives the story to the point of losing himself too and even forgetting why he originally decided to do it, the way Kim Dokja read Han Sooyoung's story which was Yoo Joonghyuk's life and that's how he found himself, they all took so much from each other and gave so much of themselves to each other, this is all very yuri."

"they're so yuri you have no idea. they have every staple of a yuri ship. unwavering devotion. waiting dozens or thousands of years for each other. dooming themselves and the world for each other. so much yearning. i also see them genderbent a lot (including inn canon in the case of yjh) and they're right both of these people are women. i genuinely can't even see them strictly as men at this point they're just yjh and kdj and they are yuri do you understand."

"they're so yuri. the abscense of yuri is the presence of yuri etc etc. these two guys are all ABOUT abscenses. also one of them is a part time woman. the other guy is a guy but like in the same way a square is a rectangle. anyway they're so guyyuri to me. bonus points also because they have a mutual girlfriend and when she's present they're girlyaoi but that's not relevant to this specifically"

[stillfrownyclownlol]

@moonbiine got me with the Aiden bug

I thought a lot about how to start this and none of them were good so, here's this;

Frowny's Thesis on Aiden Clark having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) based on the DSM-5 criteria, living with people with BPD (hi dad!), being...me!, and general vibes.

What is BPD?

Borderline Personality Disorder is defined by a prolonged disturbance of function marked by depth and variability of mood, pattern of unstable personal relationships, unstable self-image, marked impulsivity, and other symptoms. They can manifest in very different ways (the way it appears between my dad and my grandma for example is not the same), but generally includes this.

1. Fear of Abandonment

Nobody wants to be left behind, that's a given, but for people with BPD this fear can spiral into a paranoid phobia that impacts all their personal relationships. Because BPD is influenced by environmental factors, this often stems from children being abandoned in their youth (ex. My father was the child of a teen pregnancy and his parents couldn't care for him for the first few years of his life, letting him be raised by his grandparents. I also grew up alternatively without my mom and withouty my dad, and once for a time with neither of them)

It's been shown to us before that Aiden's parents are often absent from the house, for even months at a time. He seems very used to this and it's likely he grew up very isolated or passed around between different relatives. And I do think this shows in his attachment style; he is a very clingy and sort of "decides" to hyperfixate on a certain person (Ash *coughs*) in the hopes that they'll become friends, and he does this very quickly. Already so scared of losing Ash on that roof even tho he's only known her for like 3 months at this point. He really can't bear the thought of her not being with him.

On the subject of Ash he's idolized her sooooo bad she's so screwed. Pls the Angelic lighting filter he puts on her?? SHE CANT SAVE YOU AIDEN. YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF. (But i get it its hard) Ties back into how people with BPD see the world in strict black and white, he can't see Ash's flaws and that's how he defends her so much, she's literally like a savior to him and here comes the disciple complex.

He's been forced to move so many times, he's probably made friends who just couldn't keep up the effort of maintaining a long distance friendship and ghosted him, or even him doing the opposite, pushing people away just to avoid the sting of abandonment again. They can't hurt you if you hurt them first.

2. Unstable self-image.

He bleaches his hair end of story /j

No but really, tell me Aiden doesn't put up a persona- he's gone through the phases from quiet gifted kid to an impulsive extroverted mischievous mess. Don't you just look at him and feel the self-hatred coming off in waves?? Dyeing his hair, getting contacts, the ever present grin that must be painful at this point, it's like he can't...look at himself. Like he doesn't want to look at himself.

He can't even face his own problems; he literally paints a clown face on himself after dying cuz he doesn't want to process his feelings about it lol 🫠

Like genuinely, how exactly does Aiden want to be perceived? What is the point of this facade? For himself? For other people? I think he's just trying to shut away his past and start fresh without having to confront it, but...when the root is rotten, nothing healthy can grow, so he needs to get to the source of his issues.

3. Anger regulation problems

Unpopular opinion probably but he seems so angry to me. It's definitely WAY more present in the early chapters like when he goes tf off on Tyler, he was barely controlling himself there asdfghjkl- but I think it manifests more in him attacking the phantoms, it's obviously an adrenaline thing for him but I think he's taking out a lot of anger at the same time too. Even if some of this anger is coming from a righteous place; the desire to protect his loved ones (which ties into the abandonment too, you are still abandoned even when it wasn't their choice), because peope with BPD see the world as smth very...dangerous, I guess is the word? Even if maybe that doesn't apply to themselves

(Fastpass spoilers)

He's also not above taking his anger out on humans either considering he was about to take Alex's eyes out with that paintbrush and was gonna choke the life outta them-

(Done.)

4. Consistent feelings of sadness/worthlessness.

5. Self-injury, suicidal behaviour, suicidal ideation.

Aiden do be a sadboi even with all the smiley faces on his clothes. I think this is probably smth that was way worse when he was younger that led to that depression where he was locked in his room eating junk food and disassociating, and while he's probably coping with it differently it's still smth he struggles with. I mean shiiiiiit, because of his impulsiveness he does kinda cause problems but God he feels SOOOO goddamn bad about it lahdlsj, he was so guilty about the Ash situation, he probably beat himself up so much about that-

Emotions are very extreme, it's 'similar' to bipolar disorder with manic and depressive episodes, except they happen at a much quicker scale (in the same day for ex.) which seems to me how Aiden only lets himself experience positive emotions even tho he's in a deeply stressful situation (even tho there's good parts too like his friends) because he just can't handle having to fully experience those negative emotions.

Check, check, check! Aiden has zero self preservation instincts, he throws himself off walls, gets up close and personal with phantoms that could easily kill him, actually didn't give a fuck about dying?? Actually ENJOYED IT? But didn't wanna do it again because his Favourite person was worried about him and the absolute high of that feeling completely beat out anything else?? Okay man, we get it, you're living for somebody else at this point-

People with BPD suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and pain is the best kind of distraction for Aiden (cue: him slamming his forehead on the table because he's bored)

6. Impulsive behaviors (aka a bunch of shit which can be summed up as addictions)

Well, for starters, he's an absolute adrenaline junkie, because he feels so constantly empty Aiden wants something to make him feel alive. And adrenaline is the flawless, biological, factual answer to this. Ergo all his octane hobbies and impulsive behaviors. Ties back into his obsessiveness, which, don't get me wrong this doesn't make him a bad guy or anything, we all get a little obsessed with things sometimes, that's just things humans do- but when you have bpd, it's very...difficult to just STAY happy, like an addiction, when the high wears off, they're empty again.

Maybe a bit of a stretch, but considering all the Ramen packets in his room when he was younger I wouldn't be surprised if he had some sort of ED or binge eats (Same bestie.)

Also for sure a reckless driver I'm 99% sure he crashed all those go-karts he drived before.

---

I don't really know where I'm going with this. It's hard to live with somebody who has BPD, it's hard to live with it yourself, it's hard to see other people go through it even when it's hurting yourself. I hate pushing people away, but you get so caught up in your own thoughts, and it just...happens...and when it's done...you really regret it, but it's too late...and you just wonder if things are better like this, being alone and not hurting anybody anymore, cuz they're certainly happy on their own

I don't think anybody who has bpd is automatically a bad person, they just have things harder than normal. People with BPD....they can be amazing artists, or good with animals, or really very kind. They have very big hearts, thats why they feel so deeply. And I think Aiden is a good person, because he has so much love to give, but has never been given an outlet to express that properly, but you can see him making great strides in learning how, with the help of his friends 🧡

Might edit this later when I get my thoughts more clear it's midnight here lol

[stilljuststardust]

heyy, everything ok??

i just want to ask you something, today i tried to assume something with my girlfriend, we were on a break, we started talking again, she was acting just the way i wanted, but suddenly she stopped and went back with all the thing that happened in our relation, as i saw about, this is something that i'm assumimg. today i tried to assume that she would do certain things, but this didnt happen, when im speaking with her, as she say the things i start to only listen her and my body reacts as the things she say, and my i'm drowned by thoughts opposite as the thoughts that i want to have, and even when i think, no bro thats fine you are in controll of everything, i just cant be calm and assume the things propperly.

so said this i really want to know what to do, i'm kind lost right now, i really want to know what can I do to avoid being like this and enter in the state of fullfilment and just one last thing, i also want know about the time that things are manifestated, is there some cooldown? i control this to?

thank you VERY much by now and i'm sorry if there's some mistakes in my written, english is not my first language kkkkk

Don't go back to the old assumption even when it reappears because you know the truth.

You're scared and I get that, relationships come with a lot of emotions, but you just have to persist in the knowledge that it's all ok.

When you affirm for something and it doesn't happen you keep going anyway. Affirm and PERSIST.

You don't have to be perfectly calm, just repeat repeat repeat, your realtionship is perfect your relationship is healthy.

Don't try to justify the 3D, because you know that you two are in a very healthy relationship. You know that you both treat each other so well and with so much compassion.

As for "cool down" that depends on the person. Everyone has their own assumptions about how long it will take. It can be instant or it can take as long as you assume it will take.

Manifestation is not a process or something you chip away at. People often view it that way because it can be hard to accept the power you have.

When do you think your relationship issues will be resolved?

That is when. That is your assumption about when it will materialize.

If the answer to that question was longer than you want it to be then you know why it's taking longer than you want.

If you have the assumption this is going to take a while the 3D will prove you right.

Assume that it's already resolved and it did so quickly, repeat to yourself through affirmations or through visualization that it's resolved, and through persistence you will be proven correct.

Take a deep breath. It's ok. She loves you, you have a happy healthy relationship. She is kind to you, you are kind to her. You always communicate perfectly. You're both so happy.

Also just general relationship advice:

Remember that relationships are not about fighting each other but working together for a solution. Resolution is reached through empathetic discussion where you both truly consider each other's feelings and talk about how you can accommodate each other in the future.

[bulbabutt]

hhhhhhh lemme just vent about something im real ashamed about that i feel i gotta get off my chest as a uh. process of grief?

so like. two of my pets died back in april right? 2 weeks apart to the day. first the cat, then the dog. and its been uhh... miserable. hard to grapple with still to this day. shit feels bad for everyone, but like the real issue is the one pet we still have?

shes not the pet anyone would have wanted to be the survivor. like. its not her fault, shes just not and never was anyones favourite. she also has her own health issues and stuff, so it was just... a shock, to say the least. shes the last one left but shes not as cuddly as the other cat was, or as in need of attention as much as the dog. shes just... not who anyone would have chosen to survive. but thats not how life or death work i guess. you dont get to choose that kind of thing, loss of control over things. idk.

and shes very much my cat, and that feels bad. like she likes me more than everyone else and yet even i wouldnt have picked her to be the last one left. i was already struggling since moving to somewhere completely unfamiliar, feeling kind of suffocated by the idea that i had these two cats i begged for at 20 and then i was stuck with them for the foreseeable future while barely being able to handle being a person whos alive right now. and then one of them died and i realized how fucked up that was of me to ever think, and now its worse cuz i think i wouldnt have wanted her as much. and i still cant deal with her as much. its hard. dreams about the other one, dreams that i have to remind myself arent real when i wake up cuz hes still gone despite my brain forgetting it still. like uhhhh waking up talking to myself where im literally telling myself hes dead without realizing thats whats happening.

and then hhhhh the dog. that big stupid untrained mess of a dog, everyones best friend. its really hard to be without that dog, he was everyones first dog. but my mother wants a new one and i just cant deal with that concept at all, that was the dog. but then when he died we were so fucking. fresh off the tail of losing the cat its taken so much longer to process. so its been so much worse about the idea of a new dog recently cuz i just dont fucking want that at all. that guy was like... like he was never my dog, i didnt walk him, but you know. big stupid thing who was always in my face when i was home alone. he was hug sized, patient. you could cry into that dog with ease. thats what he was.

so really i just fucking. i stare at my cat i still have whos still here and i just think. why you. why are you all i have left. i resent her, its not fair, but i do. she cries for attention and i just shut her out cuz i cant deal with it half the time its too much. and i know shes probably lonely but i just cant fucking deal with it, and everyone else is obviously trying to put more of their love into her and thats good she needs other people more than me cuz all i see is the wrong cat. which is stupid cuz shes not, she was the first choice cat, but shes just... not him. i dont know.

fucking. pet loss is a mess grief is a mess and people think its easier than it is. its been fucking 6 months and yet i am still just as fucked up about it as i was and who can deal with that.

so maybe ive stopped being so nice in general, started being selfish, stopped making things for other people. started being weird. i dont know. i dont know why im even saying this shit, i just know immmmmmm you know. not dealing.

but maybe as mean as my thoughts are someone else needs to hear em to feel like their own feelings are normal. i think my thoughts might be more normal than i think, its just shameful to fucking say them at all. idk.

[brandycranby]

You have Ari wips? ☺️ if you're up for it, may we have a nibble of something ip?

hi needle ☺️🫶🏻 have a snippet from one of my oldest wips, arranged marriage a/b/o duke!ari x princess!reader AU, (asian/desi coded as always but no description)

His hands guide yours off your clothes but he doesn't try to loosen your skirts. Instead, he slides closer on the bench, pulling you onto his lap and enclosing you in the fold of his arms.

"This is a hug, sweetest. Have you… have you never had one?"

Muted by the cloak of his scent, you shake your head. His heart beats under your ear, a steady even pound that soothes the bristling creature in your head. It's so warm, so dark where you're pressed up against his chest, hidden away in his arms. Safe. You're so safe cradled here. It makes you want to nuzzle his neck and breathe in his thick musk until you’re lightheaded, take liberties with this kind Alpha without his leave.

The wetness of your tears doesn't register immediately, but when it does, it's with a jolt of panic that makes you twist away.

long rambling under the cut :^))

i've wanted to write a palace setting ever since i started writing fic, especially during quarantine when i was consuming stuff like bajirao mastani and a shitload of tvb historical dramas. i think about what it must have been like to grow up in a harem, to fight for dignity and respect that should have been given to you, to have to hide your softness and be strong and sharp and smart unless you wanted to get killed by another concubine.

i also think about how physical touch is something so forbidden in many asian cultures and how much im starved for contact. i think about how emotional i am, how many tears i can cry at a time, and how my mom never ever cries when things get tough because it's natural for her to process rationally and logically. she's not broken or missing anything in the same way that someone with autism isnt broken for experiencing life and emotion differently. im not looking to demonizing one culture or another and i definitely not making this into an east vs west white savior thing.

but growing up, i didnt know what to do. it was a big learning process solved by communicating what i needed. i recommend this comic by ruth chan which is very healing

so, this fic is an illustration of the balancing act i've finally kinda mastered after 20 years. duchess isnt there yet, she's still struggling to accept that she's more emotional than what her culture prescribes as proper and appropriate and that she can't control it. because she was never taught why or how and how to feel safe communicating this with someone she trusts.

i thought it'd be interesting to put all of this in the context of a/b/o which we know deals a lot with physical touch and instinct and emotions. i wanted to see how different origins and traditions create miscommunications. and ari is the perfect vehicle for this. it's going to hurt so much (sorry duchess) and then he's going to be a soothing balm for us all.

it's all so very very complicated and close to my heart. thats why it's taking so long :'))

i also understand that this is reader with a lot of personality, one that you (general you) may not vibe with and i say thats valid. jjst please move on if she bothers you or if you feel like you cant connect with the fic.

that being said, even if she's was not written for you, i hope you can still try to understand her and feel affection for her and the story

@punemy-spotted duchess mention <3

[antiendovents]

heyyy its ussss! its r (or maybe Eva idk) (nope yeah its r) and I just wanted to say you're awesome!!! (EVA GET OUT) we think you are super cool,sorry, but evalynn wanted to say smth to ya.

hiiiiiiii I think you're so cool and um I'm back and feeling way better and anyway yea love you (platonically) you're so cool yeah 💕💖

well that was rather embarrassing. the love letter we were referencing was our second message to you, in which saturn got way too in detail about me.

we are not dating lol, I have a gf (well, me and Eva share her, I think Saturn is aroace and evalynn is a child so yeah) (and our other alters almost never front) (cept one but I do not want to introduce her to you because she sucks and I really hate her) (shes very abrasive and generally assholey, she yells a lot at r and the rest of us).

anyway uhhhhh yeah I have like a quick question. can an alter have a backstory that's basically me but kinda tweaked? so evalynns backstory is basically mine (I'm the host), except I have a lot of trauma from COVID so for her COVID never happened. shes like forever in third grade, before COVID started and um kinda like a fictive but from real life. she also hates reminders of COVID so I'm gonna make sure she does not read the rest of this message cuz her mental health is already sorta iffy!!!

OH I NEED TO WARN YOU BOUT SMTH. my parents raised me z!onist and I'm not anymore cuz like... a lot of very obvious reasons, but evalynn does not have the skills to process this, so she generally does not talk about any of this. I've been doing my very best to make sure she doesn't know anything, so she may be a bit oblivious. we were never the sort of z!onist who wanted to like, kill everyone (tho I know some of those) we actually thought that the west bank and gaza should be allowed to be its own country even when we were younger, but she is still very connected to israel (we are Israeli, but again, stand for Palestine) so ummm please ignore her lol anyway bye lol (insert nervous laughter)

PLEASE DONT HATE US

-🌌🌠

hi again you two!! Thank you so much! You seem cool too (all of you) :D

And hi Evalynn! You're awesome and I'm glad you're feeling better now! Love you too (platonically ofc!) and I hope you have a great day(or night depending on where you are in the world!)

Also I didn't even notice that lol! When I go back now yeah that kind of was a love letter lol! but I guess a platonic love letter since you have a girlfriend and they're aroace?? Either way it's kind of cute (like in the way where you see best friends or siblings give eachother gifts or care about eachother a lot and you just go "awh")

And don't worry about that, we kind of get that! We'd probably introduce ourselves too if we didn't switch so much, infact we still need to work on introductions on our personal blog, we just don't know who to do cause they either stop fronting for a long time or cant be bothered to do it (and also we have a few alters like that, so we get why you might not want to introduce her to us, but either way you should know she's welcome here even if she is a bit "assholey")

And yeah, it is possible for alters to have similar but different "backstories" or whatever one would want to call it! I'd assume it would be that your brain just witholds memories of COVID from her due to it being too traumatic or stressful for her to handle, which might explain why she only seems to remember what happened before COVID and why she doesn't like reminders of it? (I don't know, I'm making assumptions based on how our system works a little, but our point is yeah it's entirely possible!)

And that's fine, we don't hate you for that. You cannot control how you were raised or what your parents believe in or even where you were born, you've changed and recognised that the belief is harmful and that's good enough, that's literally all you can do. It's understandable that some alters may not be able to fully process it, sometimes these things can be incredibly complicated and trying to change what you grew up with is hard, we're proud of you for doing it anyways, even if not all of you understand it perfectly

[limpfisted]

So in dnd canon player characters CANT turn into devils. And in fact, if bg3 went by regular rules, wyll would just have been punished by having a few devil features

But the game INSISTS his soul was dragged thru hell and he's a devil now

Tbh this makes no sense bc he doesn't look like any of the many kinds of devils. He just has horns and a tiefling eye

But there are fun ways to play with wyll and being a devil regardless

As well as the fact that his "soul" is owned by a devil

So here's a quick round up of some of my own homebrew wyll is an actual devil now hcs

Wyll is naturally lawful good. As a devil, he is tempted ever more by violence and taking advantage of others, but also "deals." While wyll cannot make a contract himself, he is hungry and greedy for high emotional connection and intimate promises. His own charred, damaged, and sold soul longs to nibble and draw the energy off of others, almost vampirically.

He doesn't act on these feelings. It doesn't mean he doesn't have them. Wyll even before the transformation was a person about control and repression. He thought he could CHOOSE and take advantage of his powers with mizora, the tadpoles, etc. Ironically, it may be his transformation into a devil and the want to make "deals" that helps nudge him in the direction of wanting to deal with mizora more to get out of his contract

Physical symptoms

Devils are hot, devils are smelly. Wyll is not used to his own blood and heat and smell. Its overwhelming. He feels feverish near constantly, he's almost always slightly damp with sweat

The weight of his horns and the new positions he has to sleep in give him headaches, and muscle aches. Hes used to being sore, but this is a new extra level hes not used to

In general I have the hc that bc mizora had a grip on his soul---he felt an icy grip in his chest and stomach all the time that made him feel uncomfortably full all the time, sometimes to the point of nausea

Now he STILL has that, but now he also feels hungry all the time, in a way food can't fill

There's also in general mood swings

Wyll is a very clean person who takes great care of himself and the way he presents himself

As a transmasc person going thru a THIRD puberty of sorts, he is now even more methodical about his skin care routine. He hates how much he sweats and he hates how he smells and he hates that his teeth don't fit in his mouth and he has to practice saying all the pretty things he wants to say even more than he already does in his head

Also its a cop out he turns back into a human, thats boring, these changes are just Forever and he gets used to them

In general I think wyll is growing wings! For a fun treat. Over time, wyll will be able to develop his own powers as a devil. He doesn't have mizora, but also he doesn't need her. He has claws and fangs and can develop his own magic if he practices. He doesn't know how to, so this would be an extremely long process that would probably only take place in his blade of avernus path

Tho he doesn't realize it he is now also functionally immortal except if he is killed in Hell

Why would mizora do this to him, u ask. Give him all this power. Its clearly not just a punishment

Well he wasn't supposed to get out of his contract... it was just a sneak preview of his life when he died and got sent to the blood war. These past 7 years wyll HAS been fighting the blood war as one of zariels minions honestly. I dont think mizora or zariel ever thought he would legimately break his pact. And even if he did. Hes a 26 year old human with a good, good, self sacrificial heart who thinks he can take on any evil and HAS to. Hes easy to manipulate

And furthermore. I think zariel and mizora have been watching "the heart of baldurs gate" all his life just waiting to strike

There are ends for wyll where he's in a pact with a devil, and is a devil, and is the grand Duke of baldurs gate

Even if wyll ISNT the grand Duke of baldurs gate

His father talks about being hellstouched himself now! (A story for another time, he says)

Wylls Origin bio straight up says he's a pawn in a war he doesn't understand

Will we ever know the hells plans for wyll! No! But I doubt even getting out of his pact is as big a wrench in mizora and zariel's plans as we are led to believe. If mizora legit cared that wyll wasn't in a pact anymore. Why is she still fucking here. (Go away no one wants u here wench. But I digress.)

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

2 + 3 + 12 + 33!!!!

had to fish around to find that ask game again!!!!! also hiiiii better late than never :))) :}}}}} <3 i need to tell u smth abt kleo i have Thoughts (not big thoughts this sounds as if its big it isnt i just reconsidered my initial statement that u might not like iiiiit)

2. anything that you'd like to write but feel that youre unable to??

oh yes!!! so much!!!!! even the things im writing bring me constantly into a situation of hair-tearing-out crying-clawing-screaming hitting-head-against-the-wall. i flip-flop between thinking i cant even write what im writing and thinking that im kinda decent. hhhhh. anyway!!!!!

i want to write a solid longfic with extensive worldbuilding. it doesnt matter the genre, just solid and rich worldbuilding where the writing stays consistent and steady until the end is already good. but if i could specifiy, i yearn for it to be a canon compliant/canon divergence/canon era fic with a unique take on canon. i want to write canon era fics in general, but im always hesitant to. i know what happens when i fall into a research hole, it fires up my anxiety. and i want to write scifi or a cool space opera. and i want to be able to write novel fic (of tyk) and not want to die during the process. all these things feel impossible to me :]]]]]]]]

3. how would u describe ur writing style?

i had to think about this for a bit!!!! because my writing style is unfortunately directly connected to my mental stability which is not always. stable. huehe. hmmmm i think my style (given that im doing good!) leans very hard into economical but evocative storytelling; like, i mean the rhythm of oral storytelling. stream of consciousness. prose poetry. poetry slam. i want the words to explode in your mouth and i want it to paint a very clear image in your head. i want people to hear me telling the story! even if the reader (or listener!) cant be there to experience it for themselves, at least i can tell them about it! thats probably because my first experience with story as a concept comes from audio dramas and generally someone reading something to me. thats honestly still the medium i prefer, tbh.

12. if you write in more than one language, whats the difference?

TvvvvvvT

currently i dont write in more than one language, if u dont count non-fictional handwriting bc i write all my notes in my native language. but i still remember how it used to be to write creatively in german. like im always whining about how difficult it is to cast the same image in english as in german; i just dont have that fine motor control over english as i have over german. i can easily switch between gears in german but english still ,, befuddles me pfft. its most noticable when im mucking around drafting and spend more time thinking about fun stuff like correct grammar and correct sentence structure and which word means what in english, than about the story and the characters. it takes so much energy and effort to think about and of all of this, there is barely any space left for the story that im trying to tell. which is def a major drawback for me and one of the reasons that ive been considering to start writing in german again. even though i have uh some baggage there that i dont really want to face. language is so connected to identity and culture. and thats another reason why english is difficult; i know english, aside from school, mostly from usamerican books or from online interactions with usamericans or people talking usamerican. so that has ofc heavily influenced my own english. like, i set all my stories in germany for reasons, but its stupidly hard to draw up the cultural markers because the language itself that im using is already coming with cultural influences from another country. its really strange and confusing, and i would find it fascinating and interesting if it wasnt so frustrating. sometimes it feels like there is a veil between me and what im trying to say, and also as if my thought patterns dont work as they would because the language that should just be a tool to tell a story is already so dominant. thats def smth i hope to change in the future

33. give your writing a compliment!

hmmm. its very earnest. reading my own stuff, even old stuff, i can tell what sort of struggles made it hard to get smth specific onto the page. and sometimes what ends up on the page is not what was supposed to be there in the first place. but its earnest and i can see that. its always the best i can do in that moment, and its always a piece of me because i give so much of myself during the process. thats not always a good thing but its how i am. im glad the earnestness, the sincerity, the love, the faith, the hope, is so visible to the bare eye.

yet another writing ask

[multiplicity-positivity]

hey, we're a newly discovered system ("newly" being kinda loose here. its been something ive (🐦) experienced for so long in my(?)* life that i thought it was normal and no one talked about it. and at least a year since properly established contact with another headmate)

we've all been participating in looking up resources and whatnot for this kind of thing bc there's words for this stuff??? and we just never knew???? but im incredibly scared by the sheer size of it all

just earlier today fell into the rabbit-hole of sys-course and it has me doubting everything. again. i frequently worry (and frequently another headmate speaks up and reminds me he can hear my worrying and its lowkey annoying to him LOL) but like. augh.. it tears me apart and makes some of the others nervous too because im so loud about it accidentally

i feel like im faking because i cant remember anything traumatizing (or anything before a specific age range really), we still function as a group fine enough, we're not particularly switchy + are often blurry, and we have really robust communication that almost sounds too good compared to the other experiences we've read.

but on the other hand... i (personally) know roughly when i formed, what of "my" actions were not actually performed by me, tug each other around over control and time management, do understand and feel the change from switching, and just. cant deny this experience. its confusing for me. but just me personally. there are other headmates who don't see any issues and are fully aware and accepting of our multiplicity.

i guess i'd just really like some positivity for alters who are confused and trying to figure things out, even if some of the others seem to have it all down

-🐦

Hi! We’re so sorry that y’all have been dealing with this!

Syscourse is honestly a nightmare. It causes so much stress and anxiety for systems and doesn’t actually help resolve differences or bring the community together. It’s mostly just the same handful of people shouting at each other endlessly, so we’d definitely recommend you and any system avoid it if they can! Involvement in syscourse can absolutely diminish healing and encourage self doubt, and it has the capacity to hurt systems in the long run!

Remember that, while trauma is a requirement for systems with DID and OSDD-1 to form, there’s way more types of plurality than just these! You don’t have to have been traumatized as a child to end up plural. It’s also worth pointing out that these dissociative disorders function by hiding, masking, or disguising trauma. Many people with complex dissociative disorders grow up entirely unaware of their trauma history. We ourselves did not think we were traumatized when we first discovered our system! Since then, however, we’ve learned that we do in fact have tons of trauma to process, along with a CPTSD diagnosis.

If you’d like to learn more about dissociative disorders or plurality in general with hopes of learning more about your system, we definitely recommend checking out our master post of resources! We’re trying to keep it up-to-date with any plural, dissociative disorder, or ptsd recovery content we can find - I’ll link it below!

Finally, we would be more than happy to write a positivity post for confused alters, headmates, and systems. We’ve queued this post for tonight at 8:00PM EST! Please keep your chin up 🐦, we sincerely hope things get better for you soon!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

[ryuuthefluffybunny]

< ~crossroads~ 2 of swords: choosing to be better >

there’s going to be 2 piles and i’m using the ethereal visions illuminated tarot deck by matt hughes. ill do a little channeling first and then ill go into it more in depth

Pile 1

3 of wands, 2 of swords, hermit

nights crying in bed hurt alone and scared of what's to come anxiety unconscious negativity underlying conditions revelations under attack eradicating karma you are on a path of chaos and you don't know where to go next at this crossroads you look out or in and not both and you cant see which is right logic or emotion the future or your past experience do you keep hope or dwell in the mud of despair that is holding you down only

you are having a hard time with balance. your past experiences hold you back immensely when new opportunities present themselves to you. your emotions are tied to the past. you understand the future can only present itself when you put yourself out into the world and explore it, but the thought of it makes you sick to your stomach. normally people have difficulty accessing the deep insides of themselves but not you. you in fact, may have been dwelling in this for far longer than needed, to the point where its hindering you. you look for the meaning in everything. you spend your mental energy trying to put together the puzzle that is your life when the pieces were never meant to fit. instead of looking for the right pieces, you try to finish with the wrong ones over and over. its time to step out of your hermit robe and bare yourself to the world. there will only be productive thought in hermit mode if you continue to take time to intake stimulation from the outside world. without stimulation, you will continue to process the same things over and over again. there is a new experience that has been offering itself to you, if you stay grounded in the present you may finally notice it :p and when you do, take that opportunity with open arms. i know you like being a hermit, so think of it as the faster you do this the faster you can go back :^) keep the wheel of fortune turning in your life, remember that stagnancy leads to death. aware or not, your actions during this time in your life are related to past life or generational karma. you may have opportunities or experiences that are healing on a soul level. 

Pile 2 

chariot, two of swords, king of pentacles

magic realizations science fiction library butterflies mating call coincidence levetating flying piloting cadence canine foul red card scheme tv eyes liquid nitrogen crushing crush crush crush dahlia daisy kain deluxe

i strongly get that this pile is a person who would like to or already identifies as a witch. not only is the first word magic, which i admit is a little on the nose, both of these pictures happen to depict an individual holding a wand. the first thing you must be thinking is “i dont practice enough” or some variation of that. and its true, you dont really take control and take things into your hands. the thought of staying grounded and letting things come to you makes you feel not only powerful, but it makes you feel like it really MUST be for you if it came with no chase. but, there are some things that you NEED to chase if you want. some opportunities are just waiting for you to find them. you are powerful at manifestation with a strong energy of the magician, and i have a feeling you not only have heard that before you kind of scoff at it or dont take it seriously. this is because you havent actually used it :o youre like sure im so good but how would you really know? its funny because you do have parts inside you that want to believe but then your mask is so opposed to all things magical. you may call yourself or be interested in being a witch but then you also find it ridiculous and impractical. there are some who can practice witchcraft once in a blue moon and still feel and know they are a witch but you are definitely the type who would benefit emotionally from practicing on a more regular basis. some moon water every full moon would be a good start, because once you have it then you have to figure out what to do with it. you have more creativity about how you'd like to practice than you realize, and you'll only discover it if you start actively pursuing this. there may be something you immediately know you want to do or are interested in. or you may be dumbfounded with what to do. if this is the case, a spell you could start off with is writing or speaking an affirmation of something you desire a x number of times for x number of days. it could be as simple as writing i am confident 3 times a day for 3 days or if you want to put more effort you could write i am a radiant being full of confidence and inspiration 33 times a day for 33 days. the point is that you are actively working towards things consistently. it doesn't have to be grandiose, just consistent. magic is definitely calling to you, and you should follow it like a dog following a butterfly, or like alice with the rabbit. there's been enough foreplay between you guys already, gosh! get a room and solidify that bond already :p there was also an extremely heavy scorpio energy in this pile, so if you have any scorpio placements im calling you out rn. lastly idk why i got crushcrushcrush which makes me think of the paramore song so there might be something there for you or just confirmation. 

[fipindustries]

hey, remember a couple of months ago when i went around giving arguments for dualism? lets give that another go!

so, let's take it as a given that the human body is just a biological machine, it is deterministic, ultimatly its behavior is out of our control because we ourselves, our own desitions, our preferences, our thoughts, are going to be dictated by the state of the chemicals inside our brain.

now the thing is, we do know how this feels, this is not that hard to imagine at all. my heart beats because my brain is making it beat, i dont put any concious effort into it, i dont choose at every moment to make it beat because i really like how it fees when it does. i cant move the muscles in my heart the same way i can move my finger. same with breathing, i can try to hold my breath for a long time but eventually my brain will override my efforts and make me take a gulp of air. same with my eyes, i cant choose to keep my eyes open if something crashes against my eye suddenly. same with coughing, if something goes down the wrong pipe my body will make me cough wether i want it or not. same with goosebumps, same with sweating, with producing white cells, with moving my intestines to help the waste flow, with sweating and with a bunch of other things.

and the thing about all these processes is that they feel like they would expect from a biological machine, they feel like nothing, it doesnt feel like we "want" to do them and so we do them, they just happen, without us even being aware of it, with no thought, no feeling, no conciousness of it.

so

why is not every process in our body like that? why is it that when it comes to other things like eating or walking or fucking there is an internal process, an awareness, a feeling? all of those things are just bodily functions like the heart beat or the bowel movement or the shiver due to the cold. all of those things are also ultimatly produced by the mechanical processes of the chemicals in our brains, so why those feel different, why do those involve internal feelings at all? we dont do them automatically or on autopilot as it were. we have to internally feel like we "want" to do them and then internally "choose" to do them and then "will" our body to do it. why?

what is going on there? how can there be a "want" codified into ourself through chemicals and why does that want which generate bodily actions feels diferent than other bodily actions?

i understand that making the brain a general problem solving machine and then giving that brain goals and letting it figure out the means to reach those goals is much more effective, versatile and powerful than merely making all of our survival actions hardcoded like heartbeats or breathing is. and i understand that the question can be answered as "because that is the solution evolution came up with" still doesnt really explain how did evolution did it.

how did evolution summon the right combination of chemicals such that certain actions taken by those chemicals are completly unconcious and others generate an internal awareness, if its all chemicals in the brain then it should all be unconcious or it should all be deliberate but we have this weird mix instead

[lottiecrabie]

hey! im actually really interested in your writing process tbh. i know you have a graveyard full of fic ideas, but how do you go about it when the inspiration strikes? do you stop what you're doing and write it down straight away? or do you let it process in your head for a few days?

whats happening up there in the lottiecrabie control room?

🖤 lastnightwaskindofablur (this is my second account and you cant send asks from it so i have go to anon-mode? literally why?!)

i am rubbing my feet together like a cricket after reading this ask Oh i love talking about my writing process. thank you for asking!!

it depends, but in general if i have an idea even if it’s vague i note it down in my Hot Sauce List which is just. a collection of ideas i keep if i don’t know what to write and also to have the satisfaction of checking a wip. for example you might recognize some of these titles lmao

most of the ideas in hot sauce are things i am almost 100% sure i won’t actually get around to writing, but i like to keep if i ever lack inspiration. i already instinctively know which ones i'm interested in actually writing and i start them by just going at it. every single one of my graveyard fics was just something i sprouted out of my brain quickly with little plan beyond the vague lines or themes or faraway scenes i might have thought of. galatea, take one started as just this jack and lorde inspired fic with the theme of cheating, and i wrote the first few scenes completely aimless. i didn't find the overarching plot until, as i've said, i randomly stumbled onto the concept of galatea for a song. pfms1 and pfms2 i wrote in a sitting with just Religious kink in head.

but then, if i write it more or start daydreaming about it regularly, i end up with very precise plans. they're always changing as i delete the parts i've written and add new ideas as i think them. for example, here's a few of the evolutions the linecook smut went through.

the paragraphs i make is something i do to separate the smut into mini-scenes and tell myself i'll write this small part today. it makes it a much more manageable endeavor and a lot more motivating. it tends to happen when i am in the homestretch and know i am almost done and have a much clearer view of what the fic would look like and how long each part is.

with fics that have been hauting my brain for a long time —cough pfms cough— you can imagine that the series is very precisely planned. especially when i start writing a specific part. i'm kinda always thinking about my own aus bc i have a Rich mind palace so i am always noting down ideas. i have been Burned too many times with a fickle memory to not do it. if i think of the dialogue of a scene or even the entire prose of it, i write it down too, though i do often get convinced by my falling asleep brain that i'll 'remember tomorrow' and i, indeed, do not.

hope this was interesting to more than me lmao! thanks for the question again my sweet friend

[jazzafterhours]

thinking about sebastian and anders lately

rape play / consensual non-consent, processing trauma through kink

so ive thought a lot about sebastian's Issues With Demons. the desire demon plays a big role in his personal mission and, especially being so connected to the chantry, he's very disturbed by the encounter. then in the quest night terrors, he refuses to go into the fade because thats "no place" for him, i cant remember his exact dialogue but he words it as more of a general thing than a personal thing. this could be a real character opinion, or it could easily be a development issue, more of a "we dont have the time and resources to add extra content to that quest for him" thing but i like to think of it as a him having personal struggles with facing the fade and demons that he hides behind a more broad statement. as a man of faith, and someone whose family died because of a demon's involvement, demons are truly nightmarish. he's also a man with personal demons, and has given into temptation before. he could fear a demon using this against him, might be afraid that his will is weak. most demons go after mages, but it seems desire ones dont need a mage in particular to get exactly what they want

i could see him really getting in his head about it, and needing an outlet. he needs to explore what might make him susceptible to giving in, he needs to combat his fears by expressing them, he needs a chance to process some things in a safe environment. he needs to exorcise the demon, metaphorically, so he doesnt have to fear demons, literally.

then there's anders, who has experienced abuse at the hands of templars. anders who is too familiar with being a victim, and he's full of anger about it. he would never, ever do anything like that to another person, but maybe he has fantasies about being the one whos getting the better of someone else. of taking and keeping control, of knowing he cannot be overruled. theres catharsis to be had in a scenario where he's wholly in charge, getting a chance to really internalize that he's free and can choose for himself. in a way, getting to play a dominant role here makes it easier for him to allow himself vulnerability later.

the scene is that anders is a lust demon who is preying on sebastian's secret desires, all the things he used to partake in but has sworn off. sebastian fights back, he resists temptation, and anders takes what he wants anyway. it feels real. sebastian does experience flashes of fear--anders is legitimately dangerous, and the scene is intense. sebastian gets to experience and then release that fear. anders gets to forget, for a while, that he ever had to be afraid.

they know from negotiation and prior sex with each other that they can be rough, they can fight each other, can bruise each other, can even draw a bit of blood and anders will heal it after (or sebastian may want to keep some of it, as long as it isnt a risk. he likes the physical reminder of what he "withstood").

they can be soft with each other though, too. anders can go slow and sweet, ask sebastian if he likes having a demon fuck him like a lover. the scene feels real, but it isn't entirely, they're doing this because they want to, so yeah sebastian does enjoy it. he can resist and he can give in eventually, let anders fuck him to exhaustion. he gets to experience what it might be like to give into an actual demon and be satisfied in the end without any real danger. anders gets to feel liberated and let go of his own fear, gets to process something similar to what he's been through, but from the position that won't just trigger him.

in aftercare, they reiterate that they trust each other, and thats how any of this could work in the first place. anders would not be able to take such an aggressive role without believing sebastian was good with what they were doing and would stop him if he needed to. sebastian wouldn't be able to make himself vulnerable if he didn't believe anders has no real desire to hurt him. both of them feel lighter. theyve gotten messy things out of their head and put them into straightforward action that they can move on from. sebastian feels more steady and confident, anders feels more relaxed.

i think they'd only do something like this once, and then contently move on from it. theyve gotten it off their chests and feel better for it

[enneamage]

hi i dont know how to start this so im just going to get right into it

i never understood why twitter got so mad at this clip ever since i saw it live i actually thought i was more good than bad? that might sound crazy but the fact as a 16 year old cis guy got called a lesbian and didnt go "ew im not a LESBIAN!??!" and actually thought about it for a second.

i think thats perfectly normal at that age to wonder that to wonder about your sexual and gender identity. hell i did and i think if i never did that as a teen i would have never accepted the idea of me being a trans guy.

now this brings me to the point of this essay. i think if twitter didnt have a shit party over that clip he would be more comfortable expressing himself femininity and accepting his bisexuality.

sure he doesnt have a problem flirting with guys as we've seen but they've always been less "masc" than his whole "big man" persona i think he finds it easier to flirt with guys (with the exception of ranboo of course) if he views them as more fem or even as a women perhaps

im not one to truthing him being trans or clem being real but im not against it. this also isnt me truthing him as being trans. i think cis people expressing femininity and masculinity is so important male or female (femininity and masculinity are ALWAYS put as things that go inherently together, but for some reason theyre never put as things that compliment eachother but thats a whole different topic)

but what do i really know? i dont have an audience of 12 million on youtube and 7 miliion on twitch i cant imagine that many eyes on you just waiting to judge you on your every move

Anon I admire the drive but I’m afraid you’ve sent this to the person who authored the “Tommy being Bi won’t fix him” post, so I must stick to my convictions on this one.

(As an aside, for those who don’t know, meet Clementine!)

I was not directly around for The Lesbian Moment, but I think I heard the gunshots down the street. I think it’s hugely under-emphasised how everyone was on the back of a world-changing mass death event spread out over the course of at least two years around that time, and the way that it (reasonably, all things considered) affected the way people handled stress. People were very sensitised to a lot of things, and it doesn’t surprise me that this would be a case where zooming out from what the problem was ‘supposed to be about’ would reveal a massive soup of situational stressors looking for a fracturing point to express themselves.

As thousands of people were all suddenly shoved online to share the same spaces, the social processes involved with creating norms and group standards had tons of gas thrown on them. It was going to be messy no matter what, people were electing scapegoats left and right to set social standards about what was and wasn’t acceptable. This is grim but important context (Tw), lockdown was horrific for rates of at-home physical and sexual abuse. Being a woman online in general is a state of psychological warfare against an objectifying culture. I remember talk about how his audience was divided even then, a group of lesbians were like “hell yeah we can let Tommy join /nsrs” and then another group were not even remotely okay with that even as a joke.

People were sensitised to feeling invaded in a time where lockdown had personal agency down to record lows, especially for teenagers and children. In a world where you have next to no agency or personal control over your circumstances, having a say in dominant moral narratives and the accepted behavior of people skyrockets in value, because you’re constantly in other people’s power. People were profoundly invested in the few square inches of control that they could/did have, so they were deeply reactive with it. A lot of pandemic reactivity was the behavior of people who felt over-activated and cornered, so while it’s possible to critique the outrage and take it apart on the terms that it presented itself on, it’s important to understand it as part of a whole as well.

👏 ON TO THE GAY SHIT

I feel like what goes into Tommy flirting with each of the men he’s flirted with in the past has been a little bit different. Tubbo seemed like possessive best friend claiming mushed into a straight lens with a side of teasing (I like girls, I like Tubbo, Tubbo is girl.) Ranboo was a fascinating intersection of girlfriend sublimation and flirtation to raise his self-esteem, also a bit of an apology for the not-so-passive-aggression from when it looked like Ranboo had “stolen” Tubbo. I wasn’t around for TimeDeo, but fuck it, that counts too. I don’t think that the majority of his homosocial flirting was to make himself seem more masc, especially with Ranboo. (I’ll spare you examples but that particular stretch has some moments.)

Tommy had a ‘playing toughguy’ problem when he was younger, and it contributed to some of his worst habits in terms of what came out of his mouth. I would have attributed a lot of this to his environment, the influences that he related to both positively (edgy youtubers) and negatively (macho schoolmates.) He was very teenage boy, but even then he had an off-beat streak that I impressionistically related to as more femme, even when he was being abrasive. Ever since being forcibly civilised through Wilbur and the forces of the internet he’s had much less of that, but his femme streak has stayed in some form or another, just evolving to fit what’s needed of him at a given time.

The rate at which Tommy being a cishet man comes up as a genuine issue that people feel compelled to try and see resolved is interesting, even as someone who occasionally feels it myself. Like there’s got to be something to unpack in that dynamic, that whatever behavioral issue he’s experiencing at a given time feels tied to his identity as a cishet male and something that can be revised if he had the right personal revelations. The issue is, I just don’t think it’s true, or at least wouldn’t make the difference that some people would want it to make. Some of his problems could even be tied up in his Englishness, and that’s straight up incurable. It’s hard for me to imagine that having a sexuality related revelation would make that big of a difference in the grand scheme of… him as a person. He’s got a lot of moving parts.

I do feel some frustration on behalf Tommy in terms of being a target of essentialist thought. He’s not allowed to be as camp as he probably wants to be because it comes off as offensive to gay culture, and he’s not allowed to be overtly femme because people are strict about policing gender expression right now if a given person doesn’t take on a certain label that corresponds with it. He’s assumed to have the worst intentions if he isn’t directly part of a certain group, and he really is clumsy with things that he doesn’t understand so he can be better off sometimes keeping his hands inside his box, but it’s still kind of sad to see the roundabout way that these binaries re-enforce themselves with someone like him. At the same time, try not to mourn over ‘what could have been’, because it’s still a form of essentialism to think that having traits more commonly associated with non-cishet identity would solve his problem-of-the-week, and there’s no guarantee that’s the case.

[sunset-bridge]

P3 THOUGHTS NOW

THANK. sorry it took me a bit i was in the Horrors BUT IM JOE BACK..

OK SO . just. collection of thoughts i had these last days about p3. also sorry for being an ocd haver . evrything is about anxiety to me but i think im not misinterpreting things

my thoughts with some p3 spoilers under cut (I MEAN IT OK dont read if . spoilers)

The evoker:

it makes sense cuz its like staring death (fear) in the face every day to live (use your persona) it forces the user to face their fear in a way that seems very Real to their brain but . it wont actually Kill you it never does even if it feels like it Will . like. controlled shock of Dread to call your little guy out and its probably needed actually like the. fear. if u didnt feel fear while using the evoker ur persona probably wouldnt come out at all Something about being alive.

Fear(the dread):

how fear shows that ur Alive. and thats like the main thing. we all know dread of death in specific is the theme in p3. but its also about how to deal with the Dread (dread about. anything in general) Like in burn my dread, how it says that the daily dance of fighting with the shadows (shadows being your. fears and unconscious) reminds you that you still live. And how aigis first real Human Emotion was fear and Dread. Something about how only things that are alive and have a soul can feel fear and bleed. Etc etc

also noting how everyone (yuka, junpei, akihiko, mitsuru, ken, shinji, koro, fuuka...literally everyone) faces their fear of death or their own type of dread at some point. and they all react differently. because everyones different. but they are all alive. and thats wonderful.

Tartarus and shadows :

ok hear me out. this may be more specific to ocd havers BUT ALSO. ocd its doubting anxiety disorder. i definetely feel dread about stuff and . the fear of death in particular is like a Theme you can have in ocd. so. to me! tartarus... its life. life arena. as i said. like in burn my dread. the daily dance with your anxiety and fears. YOU HAVE to confront them if you want to keep living . BUUUUT I REALIZED! i understand! you know how SEES at first fought and tried to defeat the big shadows, and they thought this could end the whole thing? but it turned out thats exactly what nyx and ikutsuki wanted to happen? THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. trying to fight and "defeat" and antagonize your dread to try to "get rid of it forever". it does not work. not like that. in fact, arguing with it Fighting with it. it only wears you down and makes your Dread stronger. exactly what happened. the team tried to combat and "erase" the fears, but they only made them unite and become stronger in the process.

so then what? just ignore them..? NOPE

the real way (real)(the real)(not the ideal):

As a verified ocd and Dread(tm) haver. You have to acknowledge the thought. dont cover ur ears and pretend its not there. BUT ALSO dont argue with it. dont try to combat it; it only wears you down and makes the fear stronger next time. Acknowledge it exists. And move on with your life without interacting further with it. Dont obsess over it. Wayyyy easier said than done, but . This is where the burning the dread comes in. Burn your fucking dread and keep walking even if you're so scared.You WILL BE so scared but you have to keep running. If you want to see light again you cant just sit there. keep moving keep living keep running. with the dread? yes do things scared but DO THEM! Your fears cant get the best of you, they cannot prevent you from living in the first place!

With death in particular, its a bit tricky, because this is one fear that is True and Inevitable. You will die. BUT the dread shouldnt paralyze you into not living at all in the first place! Again way easier said than done when you have a death anxiety and obsession. But the process is the same. acknowledge. move on. keep living. the dread will come . Burn it. keep walking and walking and walking and lose yourself in the present and keep running and never stop moving.

burn my dread final battle (i love the song):

ok it gets its own section.. I LOVE THIS DAMN THING...i also love normal burn my dread tons but like. this one ooooooh boy.

its no mans land. (the dread) if you conquer this you will be king cuz no ones ever been here like you been here before. its daunting but you can do it. invisible hands (your friends) are always behind you.

the "race against rage" SO TRUE race against trying to "fight" the thoughts the fears.

what sees did fighting the shadows WAS in vain as we have seen. but this show isnt over yet. and it does feel like ur being chased by something beyond you. (the dread) (you gotta live it persecuted by heaven)

the anxiety. it comes from nowhere at any time (comes from the direction no indication). but as mr lotus juice says. let it move first. let it out let it loose. just . let it do its thing dont even argue with it. let the dread wash over you. drop the hammer. dont fight remember? dont argue.

get scared. then lets get it up! keep living. the best thing you can do to put your methaphorical middle finger to the dread is to . keep living . enjoying things. it feels so straining at times BUT it will get better . you are all beaten up but you're not gone yet no. not done here. get up and at em boy!

pride of the living :

id like to close my thoughts with the idea once more of. fear reminds us we are alive. it sucks ass but its a part of living and personally i. never felt more alive as when i realized i feel fear because I AM human and I AM alive. dead things dont feel fear. objects dont feel fear. its such an. alive creature thing. of course you feel fear. dont be tough on yourself. but again. regardless. you cant let it paralyze you into not living at all. keep running !