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piss-pumpkin · 7 months

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🌲way back when🍀

Dipper pines x reader, Douce amere chapter 11, ~2.7k words Prev Masterlist

A/n: obligatory prequel chapter

Sometimes, you meet somebody, and forget what life was ever like without them. Sometimes you meet somebody who makes you better, sometimes they bring out the worst in you. Sometimes you forget who you were, or what you did before them. And somehow Dipper was all of that, all at once, way back when. An eternity ago now, it seemed. Back when you were thirteen.

His hands clutched his journal, squinted eyes trained on the messy ink drawings dotting the pages. For rather unfortunate reasons, his shoes were absent from his feet. He grumbled as he walked through the forest, and mindlessly stepping over tree roots and brambles. “Ugh,” he sighed to himself, looking up. “Stupid leprecorn.”

He stepped on a particularly branched twig. “Fuck,” he winced, fists clenching around the book. He shook his foot angrily as he picked the splinters out of his sock. He grumbled again, more like a growl.

As he started to walk again, an unfortunate gust of wind broke through the trees, knocking his hat off his head. His arms flew to shield his face from the wind, and he turned his head away from it as he moved to pick up his pine tree cap. He clenched his jaw, seething out another curse as he kept moving, following the trail of gold coins.

Because of course it had to be a leprecorn, according to Ford, the most annoying creature in Gravity Falls. The worst half of both a unicorn, and leprechaun, and he made the mistake of having any kind of interaction with it. Ford would not be proud. And of course it had to run off with his shoes.

“Fuck!”

Dippers eyes widened a moment. The leprechaun wouldn’t curse, he was far too friendly, and just the slightest bit condescending. Like he was above cursing, and looked down on Dipper for using some rather colourful language when he made off with his shoes. Dipper slowed down, creeping up to where he heard the voice. Sounded pretty human. He carefully tiptoed around a few trees, lips pursed and feet carefully navigating the brush and twigs as not to hurt himself, or make a sound.

As he got closer, he heard more in incessant yelling. Quietly, he stood behind a wide pine tree and listened, thankful the forest wasn’t too dense to hear.

“I swear to fucking god, you’re gonna have to come out of there eventually,” they shouted. Dipper flinched as he heard a banging sound. “Just give it to me and I won’t kick your ass!”

A muffled voice came next. “Never, bitch!” He shouted. “It’s mine!”

”It’s not!” The other voice yelled, seeming baffled at the others obstinance. Dipper heard another thud, and the second voice let out a startled hiss.

Dipper winced, and despite his better judgement, he peeked out from his hiding place. He saw, among other things, a person kicking a decaying half a tree with a fury that left him furrowing his brow. That’s. Something. He watched from behind a tree for a few moments, until something rather unfortunate happened.

As he leaned over, his foot slipped. And he had enough grace to recover, of course. But not quietly. And just icing on the cake, another sharp twig stabbed his foot, making him suck a breath in through his teeth.

The person whipped their head around, a sneer painted across their lips. “And who the fuck are you?” They accused. They turned again to the tree, and Dipper noticed a hollowed out hole in the tree, a burrow of some kind, and a pair of eyes peeking out from its darkness. “What,” they said, slapping the tree. Or maybe it was more of a tall stump. “You call backup or something?”

Dipper put his hands up trying to say no as he shook his head. As he tried to deny, the words didn’t come out. Why was he doing this? He could just go catch that leprecorn. This was suspicious as hell.

The mysterious angry person scowled, and shook their head. “Whatever man,” they sighed. “Are you… not backup?” They asked curiously, not taking their eyes off the hole in the tree.

”Um, no,” Dipper managed. “What’s going on there?” He asked, pointing at the tree.

The muffled, gnome-y voice broke through the tree again. “Hey wait, is that Dipper?”

Dipper cringed, wincing as the stranger scowled at him. “Fuck, you are with him!” They said, mouth ajar and face fallen.

”Hey, Dipper, get me out of here, this asshole is crazy!” The gnome said. Dipper sighed, fist clenched in anxiety. It sounded a lot like one of Mabel’s boyfriends. He glanced at the person again, and the anger on their face.

He pointed at the tree hole, “yeah, uh, I don’t really like that guy,” he stuttered, trying to recover his reputation.

“Hey!” The muffled gnome yelled. “We have history, and they stole my hat!”

The stranger kicked the tree again, presumably to shut up the gnome. “Hey, I gave it back!” They said, slapping the tree. “Unlike some people in this situation.”

Dipper sheepishly stepped closer, more than curious. “Yeah, I’m not with him,” he said, closing his journal. “He dated my sister and then tried to kill me.” He smiled as they snickered. Maybe he could calm them down? “So, what’s going on?” He asked cautiously, eying the hole in the tree.

The stranger pursed their lips, and kicked the bark. “Little bugger in there stole my phone,” they said. Finally looking Dipper in the eye. Wow, they look pretty intense, Dipper thought.

What? Dipper squinted, not sure what to make of… this. The people of Gravity Falls didn’t go into the woods. Even after the society of the blind eye stopped mind erasing them. Most of them didn’t want to see the horrors or the mysteries. Who is this? Gravity Falls was a small town, quaint, even. And Dipper was pretty sure he’d never seen this person around before. “Uh- who are you?” He asked, confused. “And why are you out here anyway?” He crossed his arms, “and why did he steal your phone?” he added carefully. Exactly how supernatural or dangerous was the situation?

“I’m Y/n,” they said simply, sticking and arm into the tree hole. “A gnome ran off with my phone while I was… recording shit around here,” they said, attention mostly on trying to fish the gnome out of the hole.

Recording? Are- are they trying to document Gravity Falls mysteries? Research? Dippers mind raced, and he didn’t manage to say anything. Where are they from? Surely not here, right? He furrowed his brow. Who is this? That seemed to be the key question.

“You seem like you’re thinking a lot of thoughts right now,” they said, squinting at Dipper and eyeing his socks.

Dipper shook his head, “Wait, are you researching the mysteries of this town?” He asked, nearly desperate. He stepped closer, abandoning the tree he once hid behind to stand closer and get a better look at them.

He watched intently as they pursed their lips, still scrounging around the tree for the gnome. “I guess you could say that,” they shrugged nonchalantly. Their casual attitude was quickly contradicted by a smirk tugging at their lips, almost excited. “Why?”

Dipper smiled, coming closer, pine tree journal in hand, fingers flipping through the pages until he landed on his entry on gnomes. “What do you know?” He asked excitedly, “I’ve been doing research too, trying to find out whatever I can about Gravity Falls, maybe we could join forces an-“ he stopped, looking up from his pages.

They were still smirking, leaning against the tree, and Dipper was struck with a thought. Maybe it was something about the smile that set him off. Is this a trap? He trailed off his words, and stopped mid step, watching as they tilted their head in confusion. Maybe in suspicion.

“Can you open your eyes wide?” He asked, hesitantly holding his journal to his chest.

“What?” They asked, squinting as if to intentionally deny his request. “Why?”

Dippers brow furrowed, and he stepped back. God he was an idiot. A random person, that he’d never seen or heard of, just standing in the woods right in his path, doing exactly what he would do. Why wouldn’t it be a trap? “C-can you just do it?” He asked. More like demanded.

They raised their brow, but didn’t relent in opening their eyes. “Um, no you weirdo. Why?” They asked, shaking their head.

“Yeaaaah, what are you doing, get them off me,” the gnome yelled. They quickly kicked the tree again to quiet him.

Dipper shook his head. But Bill’s dead. That wouldn’t make sense. “I’ve never seen you here before, why is that?” He asked cautiously, stepping away once more.

”I’m just in town for the summer,” they deadpanned, glaring at him.

Just like him. Ugh. Dippers face scrunched. Like everything they said made it more suspicious. “Can you just open your eyes?” He asked. More like pleaded.

They looked him over, and he suddenly felt smaller as their eyes seemed to scan him intensely, still half lidded as to deny his ask. “Fine,” they spat. They widened their eyes, staring at him like he was just a small little bug.

Dipper sighed. Normal pupils. Of course. Was he losing it? He sighed again, looking at the ground. He didn’t have any shoes on. “Uh, thanks,” he managed.

They raised their brow. “You’re a weird guy, Dipper.”

He winced. Did he tell them his name?

“Haha, tell me about it!” The gnome laughed from inside the tree.

“Shut the fuck up,” they said, punching the tree.

Of course it was the gnome who said his name. So much for any bit of… privacy? Mystery? What was their name again? They definitely said it. He pursed his lips. Did that not hurt their hands?

An awkward silence followed. Dipper stood, a few paces away from them as they once again started to dig through the tree and try to taunt out the gnome. Like he wasn’t even there. Dipper wiped his palm on his shirt, and cleared his throat, “um, is there anyway I could help you get your phone back… uh- what was your name, again?”

They sighed, looking Dipper over yet again. They waved their head back and forth in a contemplative gesture as they groaned out a hesitation. “Uhhhhhh,” they started. “Yeah, I could take you in a fight,” they nodded. “So once again, I’m Y/n, and yes, you can help.”

Dipper opened his mouth to retaliate, but nothing came. They were probably right about the fight comment. He approached the tree, a little further from you then last time.

You looked at him, crossing your arms. “With two of us we might be able to kick it down,” you said, eyeing the bark. Decaying, but not quite dead yet.

“Uh,” Dipper said, “I could try something else first.” He knocked politely on the wood. “Ummmm,” he trailed off a moment, trying to remember the name. “Jeff?” He asked, praying he got it right.

”What,” the gnome snapped angrily.

Dipper sighed in relief, and leaned against the stump. “Okay, what if I could get you a date with my sister, would you come out and give their phone back?”

The tree stump was silent a moment, and you raised your brow at him, curious but quiet.

“I’m over her, we want a different queen now,” he said finally.

Dipper and you sighed in unison as he shook his head. “Dude, why haven’t you formed the big gnome with your buddies yet, why are you even in here?”

The stump was silent for longer this time. Each of you got a few blinks in as you glanced around waiting for a response.

”They’re on the other side of the forest.”

You put your palm to your face, “Jesus fucking Christ, gnome, give it back and we can all move on with our days. Are you a big fan of seething in the stump?”

A few beats of silence past, and Dipper started to hear bored tapping of your foot on the dirt. And just then remembered he didn’t have shoes on. That’s a little embarrassing. Hopefully they forgot about that.

“What if I like it in here,” Jeff said smugly.

“I could change that,” you growled, winding up to kick the tree again.

Dipper stopped you, putting and arm up between you and the tree, “No, no, has that worked at all?”

“No, but it’ll make me feel better.”

The gnome started to yell, “Well my feelings matter too!”

You seethed for a moment, and Dipper watched and you gestured wildly at him, mouth open and contorted in rage. “You see what I’m dealing with, here?”

He nodded, “Okay, Jeff, what can we do to get you out of there?”

The tree was silent. “Gah,” Dipper managed, shielding his face from the wind. Another gust blew through the forest, and once again his hat was knocked off. Luckily this time, somebody was there to catch it before it blew away, or hit the dirt.

You handed it to him wordlessly, still waiting for the gnome to speak. Carefully, he took it, making eye contact once again, and staring at your pupils. They really weren’t a trap. He smiled sheepishly as he took it, trying to recover any goodwill he had before his accusations. “Uh, thanks,” he said.

“Promise they won’t hit me,” the gnome said, before you could reply.

Dipper looked over at you, as you clenched a fist in anger. Grumbling and sucking a breath in through your teeth, nodded, barking out a “fine,” as you crossed your arms.

“And I want you to delete the pictures.”

Dipper raised his brow as you sighed again, reluctantly agreeing.

The gnome poked his head out, hat and phone clutched in his hands. He looked skeptically at you, squinting his eyes as he cautiously climbed out of his hole. He landed with all fours on the dirt, and hunched over as he settled his hat on his head, and handed Dipper your phone. “Now let me see you get rid of the pictures.”

Dipper sheepishly handed you your phone, trying not to meet your glaring eyes. You knelt down for the gnome, and let him watch your phone screen.

Dipper stood as you did it, awkwardly trying to preserve your privacy by not looking at the screen. He pursed his lips and scanned the forest floor, trying to find the trail of gold coins he abandoned to help you.

And with a small hiss, Jeff dashed off into the thicket, and suddenly you were standing beside him again, arms crossed and glaring at the brush where the gnome ran off. You side eyed him a moment, and he nearly froze.

“Thanks for the assist,” you said, looking back at the trees, face considerably softer. “Is Dipper your actual name, or was he being a dick?”

”Uh,” Dipper stuttered. “No, I actually do go by Dipper,” he said, holding his journal close to his chest.

”Well Dipper,” you said, turning over to him. “You really helped me out, anything I can do to repay you? Did a different gnome steal your shoes, or something?”

Dipper blushed, suddenly acutely aware of how his feet were dirty, and a little wet. “Uh, leprecorn, actually,” he winced.

Your brow raised. “Oh? I’ve never seen one of those,”you said, following his eye to the gold coin trails. “Can I kick it for you to get them back?”

“A-alright,” he laughed nervously. “If it comes to it.”

…

Not the smoothest first meeting. Far from the best. But you both pulled through. Even if Dipper thought you were possessed, or some sort of creature out into get him. Even if you wanted to bite his head off for a few moments. Even if you ended up losing your selfies wearing the silly gnome hat.

Eventually, you found the leprecorn, and you ended up drop kicking it after taking the shoes. But it didn’t end there, lucky you.

One thing led to another, and you were friends. And then some years later, more than that. What a crazy life.

Anyway I wanted to do a cute little break chapter. Like the confession arc just ended so we get a little intermission before the next arc. Like this chapter doesn’t even meet my word count minimum. Anyway I get a little silly with it for the next part ngl. I got a little goofy. And a little Angsty.

Actually let me just tell you I decided like so long ago to write an angst arc, then I got to writing it and was like “wait I hate writing angst and also I’m bad at it” so I changed a few things. Anyway.

Tag list: @cipheress-to-k-pop @dead-esque

#x reader #dipper pines x reader #my writing #douce amere #gravity falls x reader #dipper pines #dipper x reader #gravity falls

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minijenn · 6 years

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Universe Falls Chapter 59

Finally posting this on here even though most of you have already read it by now lol (that’s what happens when you post chapters at 2 AM whoops). But yeah this one is a fun one for sure. I don’t have a whole lot else to say about it other than enjoy!!!

Previous: http://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/178357889284/universe-falls-chapter-58

Chapter 59: Peridot in the Wild

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“Log date 6 20 2. This is Peridot, reporting in once more. Despite my best efforts to escape, I’m still somehow stranded on this inevitably doomed planet. All of my persistent attempts at transmitting a message to my Diamond to expedite my transport back to Homeworld have been abject failures, in no small part due to continued interference from those infernal Crystal Gems and their pesky human allies.”

Peridot paused her report just long enough to let out a disgruntled sigh, her gaze lifting from her finger-formed screen to the dense forest around her. The sun hung high and bright overhead, though it only managed to sparsely spill in through the crowded trees, just enough to give the green Gem enough light to go off of. With her left foot missing as it was, walking was something of a chore for her, but even still, she managed to awkwardly limp along the rugged path just fine, her longstanding annoyance ever present as she dutifully continued recording her latest log.

“Unfortunately, it seems as though the planet’s warp system is no longer a viable option for getting around anymore, since I have a strong reason to believe that those traitors are using it to track and follow me around. As if taking down my ship and making off with my escape pod wasn’t bad enough…”

“And so I’ve found that I have no choice but to travel on foot. Literal foot since those Crystal Gems also decided to steal my other gravity connector after I forcibly had to detach it in my latest escape from them… All the same, I’m determined to press on and get off this miserable excuse for a planet before the Cluster finally wipes it from existence once and for all.”

The green Gem stopped short once more, glancing around her unfamiliar surroundings, surroundings that were not at all akin to the Homeworld she was so used to. “…I repeat, I am going to get off this planet and get back home… no matter what it takes…”

And on this assurance largely meant for herself more than anyone else, Peridot finished her report, her screen dissipating back into her usually disjointed fingers as she continued on her way. Despite her bold resolve, she couldn’t deny that she was still rather frustrated, both with herself and with the largest obstacle that had been keeping her from getting safely back to Homeworld thus far: the Crystal Gems. No matter what she did or what method she tried, those rebels always seemed to be right on her tail, undermining her mission every step of the way in a series of interferences that had been ongoing even before she had ever stepped foot on the planet Earth. For reasons completely beyond Peridot’s understanding, those bothersome Gems and the numerous humans that often tagged along with them were intent on capturing her and keeping her from even so much as returning home. And in light of such unending aggravation, the green Gem found herself growing quite fond of the idea of eliminating the roadblock that they posed to her, once and for all.

The only problem (on top of countless other problems) was that she had no idea how to claim such sought-after revenge, even if she could.

Which was why Peridot had no choice but to forge on ahead, hoping that a long-awaited solution to her plight would come to her eventually as she continued her journey. A journey that really had no destination at all, save for Homeworld, though she hadn’t even begun her passage back there yet at all. With the warp pads no longer serving as an option for her, lest the Crystal Gems find and apprehend her, the green Gem had taken to wandering for the past several days, largely not paying much mind to her direction or location. She knew well that such aimless traveling was something of a waste of precious time, but it was really the only thing she could think of at that point. All her other options had been exhausted or ruined altogether by the Crystal Gems. The best she could hope for now was for a brilliant idea, an unexpected miracle, or both.

But, in reality what she ended up getting was even more annoyance to add onto her already palpable amounts.

“Ugh, stupid clump of a planet with its stupid minute organic lifeforms…” Peridot grumbled to herself as she attempted to shoo away the cloud of gnats that had taken to following her around. On sheer luck alone she managed to swipe one of the bugs out of midair, catching its tiny wings between her fingers as she held it close to get a better look. “What functional purpose do you even serve outside of being a complete nuisance?” When the now-dead insect offered her no response, the green Gem simply rolled her eyes and let it fall to the ground before finally chasing off the rest of its kin with a sharp, succinct blast from her finger’s laser. “And I thought humans were annoying… This place is-” Peridot cut herself off the moment her remaining foot stomped down into a rather sizable puddle of mud, splashing dirt all over her otherwise pristine leg. “Augh! Oh come on!” she yelled, hobbling out of the mud so she could clean herself up. “Why anybody would wanna preserve a planet as useless and backwards as this one is beyond me. Those Crystal Clods must be out of their Gems to think this pathetic rock is worth protecting. Well, too bad for them because once the Cluster emerges there won’t be an Earth left for them to protect!”

As caught up in her frustrated rant as she was, the green Gem didn’t even notice the forest behind her begin to shift somewhat, trees bending just the slightest bit as something, or rather reached through them. In fact, Peridot only realized what was happening when a massive hand composed of nothing but shingled tree bark launched out of the tree line only a few feet away from her, easily grabbing a deer that was wandering by before pulling it right back into the woods from whence it came. Needless to say that the green Gem was aptly startled by this, and as the hand disappeared back into the forest, she inevitably ended up tumbling to the ground as a result of the resulting heavy rumbling.

“W-what in the stars…?” she muttered to herself, her eyes wide as she shakily stood to stand. Alarmed and curious, Peridot decided to take a cursory peak into the rather sizable gap the giant hand had left in the trees only seconds ago. However, instead of finding whatever huge figure that huge hand might have belonged to, she was struck by another bizarre anomaly altogether. Quite literally in fact as a creature resembling both a hawk and an octopus came flying at her, its several short tentacles latching onto her fact as she fell back, straight into the puddle of mud she had stepped in earlier.

“H-hey! Get off me, you freakish clod!” Peridot shouted, frantically trying to pry the hawktopus off her face despite its insistent grip as it continually pecked away at her, screeching wildly all the while. After what seemed like ages of angry struggling, the green Gem finally did manage to rip the creature away, even if it did leave several suction marks all over her face as she tossed the flailing hybrid to the ground, her outrage with its unexpected attack quite clear. “Oh, screeeee yourself!” she mocked the hawktopus as it limply picked itself up and rose to fly off with few further signs of aggression. “And good riddance, you grotesque abomination.”

Regardless of this startling encounter, Peridot was quick to pull herself back together and move past it, turning her nose up at the mysterious woods as she continued on, hoping to not come across any more bizarre, vitriolic creatures along the way. She maintained her haughty manner for quite some time, until she met yet another roadblock, this time in the form of a small wooden sign that she ended up walking directly into.

“OW! Oh, what is it this time?” the green Gem scowled, backing away from the sign to read what it had to say. “‘Now entering Gravity Falls’…” Peridot paused briefly for a moment, raising a cynical eyebrow at this before staunchly moving on. “Uh, of course it does, Doesn’t gravity fall everywhere on this cruddy planet? Why even bother putting something so obvious on a location marker like that?”

The green Gem simply shook her head, the strange logic of the inhabitants of the Earth completely lost on her as usual. Not that she really cared too much to look into them and learn about them; doing so would be an utter waste of time she simply didn’t have. The Earth’s time was running short, which meant that trying to examine whatever resources the planet might have had would certainly end up being all for naught once everything was said and done.

Once again, it wasn’t very long before Peridot was broken out of her ongoing train of thought as she ventured into the threshold of a clearing, one that forced her to stop in her tracks on how bizarre its sole inhabitant was alone. Sitting squarely underneath an inexplicable rainbow was a small, stout creature with a bright, cheery smile, a petite green hat positioned next to an ever-glowing horn, and a multicolored beard and fail as it stood upon four short and shiny hooves. Bewildered by such a sight, Peridot simply stared down at it in complete bafflement for a moment before, surprisingly enough, the creature somehow spoke up instead.

“Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, lassie!” it quipped, maintaining its effervescent, somewhat ignorant grin. “Wha’ brings ya lot out here to this neck o’ the woods, to the magical clearin’ of ye here enchanted Leprecorn!”

“…What?” Peridot asked, completely lost thanks to the Leprecorn’s nigh incomprehensible accent.

“Oy, hold that thought there, lassie, is’ time for me half-hourly trad,” the Leprecorn interjected before brightly closing his eyes and pointing his horn up towards his nearby rainbow. Against all logic, the horn began emitting a rather blaring rendition of ‘Oh Danny Boy”, to which the Leprecorn seemed to absolutely relish, though Peridot was much less amused.

“Riiiight…” the green Gem scoffed, only sparing the Leprecorn another dry glance as she prepared to move past him. “I’m just going to go then… You can just keep doing… whatever it is that’s going on right now…”

And with that, Peridot was more than ready to simply continue on her way and leave the Leprecorn completely behind. That is, until the Leprecorn decided, for whatever reason, to blithely follow after her, continuing its Irish serenade all the while. At first, the green Gem tried paying him no mind save for a brief, bitter glance over her shoulder at him every now and then. But as he went into about his seventh round of “Oh Danny Boy”, she was quickly starting to crumble underneath the immense aggravation the creature was apparently intent on giving her.

“Augh! Will you stop following me already with that incessant noise of yours, you frustrating, unintelligible, over-colorful clod!?” she shouted, towering over the Leprecorn fiercely as he finally paused his music and grinned up at her sweetly before offering a simple, terse response.

“Nope!”

With this, Peridot was no longer able to contain her mounting fury. On a sheer burst of anger alone, she lashed out, swinging her leg forward to kick the Leprecorn away from her, only to end up falling to the ground as a result of her missing over foot to steady herself. As a result, the creature only ended up flying a few feet away, seemingly unharmed and unphased as he quickly trotted right back over to Peridot to begin gnawing on her leg in apparent retaliation. Further outraged by this, the green Gem decided to not hold back, her fingers instantly forming into her laser, which she didn’t hesitate to fire at the bothersome Leprecorn.

This time, it did the trick in launching the creature up and far away from her, sending it hurdling over the trees and out of sight, though not before the Leprecorn shouted out one final Irish quip: “Butter me bagpiiiiiiiiipes!”

“Hmph, I’ll do no such thing, you… something-corn!” Peridot crossed her arms as she picked herself up off the ground once more. “That was by far one of the most infuriating creatures I think I’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with. But… look on the bright side, Peridot; the probability of you running into any similar annoyances around here is likely very low. Or at least… I hope it is…”

Even despite her high hopes, Peridot didn’t get too much of a chance to press on once more before she stopped once again, this time on her own volition as she ventured into an entirely different part of the forest, one that carried an air of magic and mystery in the very air itself. Though somewhat curious of the practically glimmering trees surrounding her, the green Gem’s attention was immediately caught upon seeing the sparkling stone structure afar off in the distance.

“Oh, finally! Civilization!” Peridot sighed in relief, hoping that this landmark could give her something to go off of as to her current location. Not wasting any time, the green Gem began hobbling over to the apparent stony fortress, paying its fancy gold accents and large wooden doors little mind as she prepared to slip in through them, completely unaware of the very disgruntled trio resting just on the other side of them.

“Be careful with that ice pack!” Celestabellebethabelle snapped at her attending faun as he anxiously positioned some ice on her very bruised back. “The last thing I need is spilt ice all over the place. The blood stains are bad enough as it is…”

“Yo, C-Beth, could we get in on some of that ice maybe?” the red unicorn asked as he tended to his own various wounds and bruises.

“Yeah, man, my hoof is KILLING me over here!” the blue unicorn exclaimed, holding up his practically broken foot as much as he could.

“No!” Celestabellebethabelle staunchly refused. “I’M the one who was injured the most yesterday, which means I’M the one who gets the most medical attention! It’s only fair.”

“Pffft, says the unicorn that ticked the pack of humans who beat the stuffing outta us off in the first place,” the blue unicorn muttered, rolling his eyes.

“I HEARD that, Maurice!”

“Ha! You just got called OUT, bro!”

“Oh, shut up, Barry,” Maurice scowled, swiftly kicking Barry right in his injured leg.

“Ow! My leg!”

“Um… excuse me?” Peridot boredly interjected as she stepped into the unicorns’ glen, overall unimpressed by the trio of mystical creatures before her. “Where-”

The green Gem was almost immediately cut off as all three of the unicorns shot to their feet, crowding around her with their sharp horns poised to attack and their shared manners fierce and hostile right from the start. “You!” Celestabellebethabelle shouted sharply. “Y-you’re one of those bothersome Crystal Gems, aren’t you?!”

“What?!” Peridot scoffed, unable to hold back a harsh laugh at the thought. “Of course, I’m not a-”

“Don’t try to deny it!” the unicorn countered hotly. “You have one of those stones on your head, just like the pale brute who came through here yesterday with that rowdy group of mannerless humans! Well, I’ll have you know that since then, we’ve established a strict ‘no Gems’ policy across our entire enchanted realm!”

“Yeah, its on that sign over there!” Maurice exclaimed, pointing over to the sign on the wall that read “Crystal Gems: DO NOT INTERACT”.

“But I’m not a-”

“SILENCE!” Celestabellebethabelle barked, edging her horn just the slightest bit closer to the startled green Gem. “We’re not about to fall for any of your shameful tricks! Now, begone from the mystical glade of the unicorns or ELSE!”

“Oh great, just what I need,” Peridot huffed, rolling her eyes. “More ‘corns’. Listen, I don’t know what you corny clods are on about, but I’m telling you that I’m not one of those infernal Crystal Gems!”

“Oh yeah? And why should we believe you, huh?” Maurice asked, glaring at the green Gem distrustfully. “Why, just yesterday, one of your buddies came in here with a whole bunch of humans, kicked our butts, and stole all our treasure!”

“Well, it was our treasure until we handed it over to them to get them to stop hitting us…” Barry pointed out.

“SHUT UP, BARRY!” both Maurice and Celestabellebethabelle snapped to their innocent companion.

“Anyway…” Peridot spoke up, her tone casual enough as she slowly pushed Celestabellebethabelle’s horn away from her. “You can believe me because I’m actually on the exact opposite side of those Crystal Clods. And by that I mean, the winning side. In fact, if anything, those Gems have been nothing but a nuisance to me since the moment I first made contact with this pathetic planet. What I wouldn’t give to hunt those traitors down and make them pay for what they’ve done to me!”

Upon hearing this incensed proclamation, the unicorns couldn’t help but exchange a round of smug, knowing grins, all three of them largely having the same idea at the same time. “So… you’re seeking revenge against those unbearable Crystal Gems and their human compatriots too, hm?” Celestabellebethabelle asked, her tone much more calm and affable than before.

“Uh, didn’t you hear a word of what I just said? Of course, I am!” Peridot exclaimed, her disjointed fingers curled up into tight fists at her sides.

“Well then, it seems as though you’re in luck,” the unicorn said, shaking her mane gracefully. “From what I’ve heard, their base isn’t too far away from here. Certainly with such close proximity it would be quite easy for you to find your way there and… hm… you know, engage in some much-needed… vengeance, perhaps?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Peridot shook her head in disbelief at this claim. “You’re telling me that the Crystal Gems’ base is somewhere nearby, completely defenseless and just waiting to be attacked by someone with the proper ambition and resources?”

“That’s EXACTLY what I’m saying.”

For a brief moment, the green Gem took pause, seeming to take such serendipitous news in before breaking down into a delighted, devious snicker. “Aha! This is perfect! All I need to do is make it to those traitors’ base and conquer it as my own like I should have done from the second my ship touched down here on Earth. And then, from there, getting back to Homeworld will be as easy as commandeering whatever resources they previous stole from me to get the Galaxy Warp up and running again! Its so simple, yet so brilliant! I can’t believe I’d never even considered it before now!”

“Yes, yes, that’s very nice and all,” Celestabellebethabelle said, her tone rather dismissive as she began pushing Peridot out of the glen using her horn. “Now run along and get that glorious ‘revenge’ of yours and don’t forget to get a few knocks on those nasty Crystal Gems in for us. And with that, you’re off, never to return to our mystical home again, goodbye and good luck!”

“But wait! I-” Peridot didn’t get a chance to finish as the glen’s gates slammed shut on her the moment she was shoved out of them. Back inside, all three of the unicorns let out a shared sigh of relief as they plopped back to their usual spots on the ground to continue tending to their still-healing wounds, glad to be rid of their unexpected and unwelcome guest.

“Hey, C-Beth, you really think that she has a chance against those Crystal Gems?” Maurice asked after a moment of relaxed silence.

“Are you kidding me? Of course, she doesn’t,” Celestabellebethabelle scoffed incredulously. “I mean, did you even see her, she looks absolutely pathetic with that missing foot and all. I just told her all that to get her to leave us alone.”

“Heh, same ol’ C-Beth,” Barry chuckled. “Once a scammer, always a scammer.”

Unamused by such a callous comment in light of recent circumstances, Celestabellebethabelle quickly retaliated it, landing yet another kick on Barry’s banged-up leg. “Shut up, Barry.”

With renewed purpose in her step, Peridot set out from the unicorns’ glen, heading off in the direction Celestabellebethabelle had pointed to in the hopes that it would lead her to the Crystal Gems’ base sooner or later. Despite the rather harsh reception she had received from the unicorns, the green Gem hardly gave them a second thought, since her thoughts were now all completely focused on the revenge she hoped was very soon in store for her. In fact, she was so excited for her upcoming retribution, that she began plotting it out aloud to herself as she trudged along to her now concrete destination, knowing that she had to have the perfect plan ready to carry out the moment she arrived.

“So I’ll start by laying low with a careful surveillance operation to pinpoint any inherent weaknesses or chinks in their defenses,” Peridot mused, tapping away at her finger screen as she recorded her plan thoroughly. “Once I find a suitable, I think I’ll take the Pearl out first using my blaster seeing as how she’s clearly the weakest of the group. While the other two erupt into chaos, I’ll sneak into their base and reclaim my escape pod, using it to crush the Amethyst and that abomination of a fusion once and for all before rewiring it to function as a proper space-faring vessel.”

As distracted with her plotting as she was, the green Gem didn’t even happen to notice the several sets of eyes that had been peering out through the increasing darkness of the forest as the afternoon sun began to transition into dusk. Eyes that continued following her every move as she traversed the path through the trees, completely unaware of their watchful gaze.

“And finally, I’ll make quick and easy work of the Steven, the Dipper, and the Mabel before blasting their base to smithereens and taking off back to Homeworld with no further obstacles or aggravations whatsoever,” Peridot finished, grinning in smug satisfaction as her screen reverted back into her fingers. “Maybe if I have a little extra time, I might even track down that irksome Stepper and make it pay for destroying my attack robinoids!”

The green Gem let out a vindictive chuckle at the thought of such vengeance, still not noticing as the trees around her began to subtly shuffle, a handful of quiet whispers spreading throughout them, none of which Peridot heard whatsoever. “All the same, I’m sure that the moment I step foot back on Homeworld, my Diamond will be beyond impressed with me for taking out the last of the Earth resistance. I might even get a promotion, my own Pearl! Or even my own squadron of lower-level Peridots to lead! Who knows? Maybe this whole getting stuck on Earth thing could be the best thing that ever happened to me!”

No sooner had the green Gem finished detailing her lavish fantasy to herself than she was quickly broken out of it the moment something fell out of the woods and onto the path in front of her. Peridot stopped short right before the small lump on the ground before her, one that she curiously poked at with her finger before it sprang to life and hopped to its feet.

“Oh here we go again…” Peridot groaned, scowling down at the small, bearded man before her. “I know I shouldn’t even bother to ask this but… what in the name of the Diamonds are you supposed to be?”

“Schmebulock!” the tiny man proclaimed blithely.

“A ‘Schmebulock’, hm?” the green Gem raised an eyebrow as she picked the gnome up by the tip of his pointy hat. “Well, at least you’re not another irritating ‘corn’. So tell me, you ‘Schmebulock’, how far away is the Crystal Gems’ base from here?”

“Schmebulock!”

“Yes, yes, I know the name of your bizarre species already,” Peridot huffed impatiently. “What I want to know is how close I am to exacting vengeance upon my enemies!”

“Schmebulock!”

“Oh forget it!” the green Gem snapped, throwing the repetitive gnome to the ground. “I don’t know why I’m even wasting my time with any of you earth abominations! You’re all just a bunch of infuriating, exasperating, completely useless clo-”

Before Peridot could even get the rest of her insult out, she was suddenly tackled from behind, a massive force shoving her roughly to the ground without any warning whatsoever. The green Gem gasped in shock, but that was all she had time to do before her unknown assailant pulled a large sack over her head, effectively blinding her and gagging her at once. Of course, she struggled against whoever her attacker was, yet said attacker was apparently quite strong as they managed to pin her arms behind her back, tying them up tightly to the point that even her detached fingers were restrained. Peridot continued shouting unheard threats and insults out at her captors, largely believing them to be the Crystal Gems, especially as she felt not just one, but several sets of hands hoist her up into the air and begin to carry her off to parts unknown.

The journey to whatever destination she was being hauled off to seemed to take ages, but by the time Peridot was finally set down into an apparent seat, she was more than a bit miffed with her captors. In fact, she was already spewing several harsh words towards them out, even as the sack over her head was at long last removed.

“And if you think I’m going to go easy on you Crystal Clods for this then you’ve got… another thing… coming?” Peridot trailed off into confusion as she finally caught sight of exactly who her attackers were. And needless to say that as soon as she saw the large group of tiny men who had managed to so easily subdue and kidnap her, she was quite surprised.

“Well, hellooooo there, gorgeous!” the supposed leader of these small men exclaimed brightly as he stood upon the shoulders of two of his fellows. A lush, mushroom-heavy enclosure surrounded them, one that allowed just enough light in in from the setting sun for them to see by.

“…What?” Peridot asked, completely lost by such a forward greeting.

“You know, I gotta hand it to you guys,” the lead gnome ignored her to grin to his many surrounding companions instead. “You weren’t kidding when you said this one was a looker. I mean, just get a load of her hair! Its almost as pointy and sharp as our hats are, which is saying something, since they’re all considered to be grade-A weapons!” To prove his point, he tapped the tip of his own pointed hat, only to instantly draw his hand back with a hiss of pain. “Ow!”

“Hey, hey!” Peridot shouted, wiggling a bit to try and get out of the tight ropes still binding her. “I don’t know where all you Schmebulocks get off with attacking and restraining me like this-”

“Uh, only one of us is Schmebulock,” one of the other gnomes spoke up, pointing to the aforementioned tiny man beside him.

“Schmebulock!” Schmebulock exclaimed in his usual absent-minded way.

“So what are the rest of you, then?” the green Gem asked, not really caring as she discreetly continued trying to slip out of her bonds.

“We’re gnomes, toots!” their leader exclaimed, his tone still quite flirtatious. “I’m Jeff, and… let’s see, there’s Carson, Mike, Kyle, Tito, Bobby, Kent, Dan, Andy, Jason, Liam, Ro-”

“I DON’T CARE!” Peridot interupted quite early on into the extensive list of gnomes. “Now, you listen here, you ‘gnomes’, I’ve had just about enough of you meddling Earth creatures getting in my way. So either you release me this instant or I’ll make all of you diminutive beings pay just as much as I plan on making those insufferable Crystal Gems pay for what they’ve done to me, so get to it right now or suffer dire consequences!”

For a moment, the collective group of gnomes was silent upon such a direct and outraged threat, though a moment or so later, a murmur of approval stirred through the crowd, much to Peridot’s confusion. “Wow! And she’s feisty too!” Jeff exclaimed, quite impressed. “We like that in our future queens, don’t we boys?”

“Wooo!” a rambunctious cheer rose up throughout the rest of the gnomes, all of them clearly celebrating something that Peridot obviously didn’t understand, though she didn’t get a chance to ask as Jeff continued.

“But as for the whole ‘letting you go’ thing, I’m afraid that’s a no can do,” he said, his tone casual and playful as he leaned against the green Gem’s shoulder. “First off, we fixed you up with some extra strength, enchanted troll-hair rope. That stuff’s pretty much unbreakable, no matter how much you try to bust out of it. Second off, we’re in a bit of a… pinch, so to speak. A pinch that you just might be able to help us all out with, sweetheart!”

“I’m not interested,” Peridot huffed, completely opposed to the idea of helping any Earth creature, especially those who so brutishly captured and imprisoned her.

“Well, maybe you will be once you hear us out,” Jeff smirked knowingly. “See, we’ve been suffering from a bit of a queen shortage around here ever since our last one was eaten by a rabid badger. We had our eyes on a few… replacements from time to time, but none of them have really… worked out too well. So… we were wondering if…”

“If… what?” Peridot asked, still not following.

“If you’d marry all one thousand of us and be our new gnome queen for all eternity!” Jeff grinned, kneeling down on the other gnomes he was standing on to offer the green Gem a ring composed of twigs and an acorn. “Sorry this ring isn’t anything too fancy. Our nicer one got blown away in a… leaf blower incident.”

Initially, Peridot said nothing, looking between the ring Jeff was offering her to the massive group of gnomes before her, all eagerly awaiting her response. When she finally did address them, however, she posed a question that none of them had really been expecting. “What’s a ‘queen’?”

“Oh, well, ya know, its… uh… a queen is… hm…” Jeff trailed off, unsure of how to explain.

“Well, the last queen tucked us all in every night,” one of the other gnomes spoke up.

“Yeah! And she made us cookies!”

“Oh, I remember she used to put bandages on my boo-boos!”

“And she cleaned up after all of our wild and crazy game nights!”

“Pfft, you really think I’m going to do all that for you tiny clumps?” Peridot scoffed, turning her nose up at the thought. “You all must be seriously damaged then. I’m much too important to be subjugated into the role of nothing more than a glorified servant for a bunch of-”

“Oh wait! I almost forgot!” one of the gnomes interjected. “The queen also told us all what to do all the time!”

“Oh yeah, that’s right!” another gnome exclaimed. “And we’d do whatever she said, too!”

“Yep! Cause she was the one in charge!”

“….She what?” Peridot asked, suddenly quite curious upon hearing all this.

“Oh yeah, the queen was the boss, no question,” a gnome nodded seriously. “There was this one time when she ordered us to all stack onto each other to form one giant, super gnome so we could attack the neighboring fairy colony for stealing our measuring cups. That’s become one of our signature moves ever since!”

“So… your so-called ‘queen’ is essentially your supreme leader then?” the green Gem pressed intently. “The one who rallies you to battle against your enemies, whoever they may be?”

“Yep!”

“Pretty much!”

“All our queen has to do is point out who to attack and we’ll beat em’ to a pulp for her!”

With this convenient information in mind, Peridot couldn’t help but smirk deviously as she formed an immediate plan, one that would certainly serve her much better than simply trying to do things entirely on her own. “So… suppose I do decide to be your new ‘queen’,” she began, calm and confident. “Then that means I’ll be completely and utterly in charge of every single one of you, correct?”

“Yep, that’s the deal,” Jeff nodded.

“And that also means that I can command you to do anything I please, right?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s right.”

“Which means… if I order you to attack the Crystal Gems and shatter them into itty bitty bits, then you’d have no choice but to do it, right?”

“Um… I-I guess?” Jeff frowned, the other gnomes sharing his worried sentiment as the green Gem started to let out an unhinged chuckle.

“Ha! Then it’s the perfect plan!” Peridot proclaimed triumphantly, completely consumed with her thoughts of vengeance as she looked back to the gnomes with a winning grin. “I choose to accept your offer to be queen under the grounds that you help me lay siege on their base so I can take back what’s rightfully mine!”

“Uh… ok, sure, I guess we could do that?” Jeff shrugged, not too concerned with such violent intentions. “To be honestly, those three have always played hard to get with us anyway, so who knows? Getting back at them for all those years of rejection could be kinda fun.”

“Yes!” the green Gem cheered, still laughing manically. “If this works, I’ll be back on Homeworld in no time!”

“Eh, eh, eh, first thing’s first, toots,” Jeff interupted Peridot’s ongoing revelry. “Before we can go on any sort of revenge rampage, we gotta have ourselves a wedding.”

“Wedding?” Peridot asked, unfamiliar with the concept.

“That’s what I said, and that’s what we’re gonna do!” Jeff proclaimed, snapping his fingers. “Untie our dear bride-to-be here, boys! She can’t hold the bouquet with her hands strapped behind her back like that!”

At this, several gnomes scurried forward and did just that, finally releasing Peridot from her bonds and allowing her to properly stand once more. “Alright, fine,” she huffed, wiggling her previously restrained fingers around a bit to get used to using them again. “Let’s get this ‘wedding’ thing over with as quickly as possible so can hurry up and get those abysmal Crystal Clods already!”

“You got it, sweetheart!” Jeff winked to the green Gem. “All we gotta do is set up the podium and find a good rabbit to serve as our priest, then we marry every single one of us off to you, then there’s the reception, not to mention the post-reception party, followed by the pre-honeymoon party, the honeymoon itself, and then the post-honeymoon party. So I’d say all that chalks up to be somewhere in the ballpark of… 287 days? Roughly?”

“278 days?!” Peridot repeated, absolutely aghast.

“Roughly,” Jeff reiterated.

“I don’t have that kind of time to wait!” the green Gem snapped fiercely. “This planet isn’t even going to exist anymore 278 days from now! I need to attack those Crystal Gems and get back to Homeworld now!”

“Hey, that’s not our problem, toots,” Jeff shrugged apathetically. “You wanna be our queen? Then you gotta go through all the right processes and ceremonies, whether you like it or not.”

“I think I have a better idea,” Peridot scowled, pulling herself up to her full height as she towered over a majority of the gnomes. “I say, we call this pointless ‘wedding’ of yours off, you instant me as your leader and we strike the Crystal Gems’ base immediately! Or else!” To show that she was serious with this demand, the green Gem swiftly formed her hands into her blaster, taking aim at the entire group of gnomes as she charged her laser up to fire at any instant.

In light of the clear danger they were in under the green Gem, the gnomes took pause, all of them looking to Jeff for word on what to do next. And fortunately for them, their leader had a plan, as always. “Well, when you put it like that…” he smiled, snapping his fingers once more as the other gnomes quickly followed his unspoken command. “I think maybe we have an even better idea…”

“Oh yeah?” Peridot scoffed, still keeping her blaster aimed at the gnomes, even as they began to congregate close together. “And what exactly might this ‘better’ idea be, you miniature, half-wit, overly-forward bunch of clo-”

The green Gem instantly cut herself off as the gnomes finished pulling themselves together, all too quickly rising to a height far greater than her own. Together, the gnomes had indeed done as they had described, forming a massive “super” gnome of sorts, composed of the entirety of their number and controlled by Jeff from atop its exceedingly high up head.

“You were saying, toots?” he asked, sending a smug grin down to Peridot far below him.

Though the green Gem’s expression was awash in shock at the imposing monster before her, she still had enough wits about her to put a finger up and take in a breath, almost as if she was going to say something. Inevitably though, she didn’t, instead wisely opting to flee from this newfound danger almost as soon as she saw it. Swiftly turning on her one remaining heel, Peridot sprinted (or rather hurriedly limped) off in the opposite direction, knowing she was far too outnumbered and overpowered to try and fight back against the gnomes with just her blaster alone.

“Wha—Hey! Get back here and be our wife!” Jeff shouted, commanding the mass of gnomes to run after her. Peridot nearly lost her footing from the rumbling steps of the gnome monster behind her, but even so, she maintained her footing and hurried out of the cave, not even caring about her direction whatsoever as she ran and only occasionally looked back at the beast still in hot pursuit.

“C’mon! Don’t you play hard to get too!” Jeff goaded somewhat angrily from his high perch. “I promise, as soon as we get done with all of the parties and honeymoons and everything else, then we’ll go get that sweet revenge of yours.”

“If you had your way, then by time we’d actually get around to doing that, this entire planet and everything on it would be gone!” Peridot shouted back just as fiercely, though as she did, she was quick to notice that the gnomes were quickly starting to gain on her. In fact, they were getting so close that their large, collective hand soon started to swipe at her in an attempt to capture her once more, though the green Gem narrowly managed to dodge their grasp.

After another such closer call, Peridot decided that her lack of two feet was really getting her nowhere fast in this frantic escape. Which was why, as the gnomes went in to try and grab her once more, the green Gem quickly threw her arm up, her fingers starting to spin rapidly until they were moving fast enough to propel her upwards. Peridot kept herself small and scarce as she helicoptered up and away from the gnomes, finally getting higher than they were, though it was clear that they didn’t intend on giving up so soon.

“Whoa, hold on there! You’re not getting away that easily!” Jeff exclaimed, commanding the gnome monster to point directly at the fleeing green Gem. At this, several smaller gnomes shot out from the monster’s hands, their sharp, pointed hats all aimed directly at Peridot as she sailed through the air. With a panicked gasp, the green Gem haphazardly maneuvered herself out of the path of most of them, save for the one gnome that managed to directly strike her in her other shoulder, sending her flying completely haywire all over the place.

“Ow!” Peridot cried, sparing a brief glance back at the gnomes as she tried her best to right herself. “Leave me alone, you puny pebbles!”

“Not until you agree to be our queen!” Jeff shot back just as harshly. “We seriously need one, in case you haven’t noticed! Can’t you see how desperate we are for love?!”

“A bit too desperate if you ask me!” the green Gem retorted, only to be struck by yet another gnome. This one hit her directly in the back, and it was enough to send her plummeting, her helicopter fingers no longer able to sustain her as she fell directly into the thick of the woods, crying out fearfully all the while. Fortunately, as she landed, several tree branches cushioned her fall on the way down, though only barely as she still hit all of them before finally dropping into a dark, crowded clearing. Still, Peridot barely even had a moment to gather her bearings as the gnome monster’s booming footsteps echoed through the surrounding area, accompanied by Jeff’s rather grating, very persistent call.

“Future wife, are you still out here?!” he shouted from some unknown distance away as Peridot rushed to hide herself out of sight behind the nearest tree. “If you come out, we’ll let you pick our honeymoon spot! Well, as long as its not some beach or something. Sand and gnome beards to not mix!”

Peridot waited for what seemed like ages, not even daring to move an inch until the gnome monster’s rumbling sounds finally faded off into the distance. At last, the green Gem finally gave herself time to let out a sigh of relief over her daring escape, barely even noticing the several twigs and leaves sticking out of her hair, the multiple rips and tears on her bodysuit, or the copious dents in her lower arms and legs.

“Ugh… stupid gnomes…” Peridot grumbled to herself as she set off once more, limping more now than ever. “Stupid unicorns… stupid leprecorn… stupid everything!” The green Gem let out another severely aggravated sigh as she brushed some of the dirt off her chest, though clearly there was still plenty left everywhere else. “Nothing on this worthless planet makes any sense! Its inhabitants, from the humans, to the Crystal Gems, to… whatever kind of creatures I’ve been encountering lately, are all completely infuriating! It will be a relief to watch the Cluster destroy this miserable place once and for all so I’ll never have to so much as think about it ever again!”

As frustrated as the green Gem currently was, she still forced herself to regain some semblance of calm as she remembered exactly what her current objective was: to find the Crystal Gems and make them pay for trapping her on this loathed planet in the first place. In her eyes, this feat alone would make all of the annoyance and toil she had been through to get there more than worth it. And yes, as she continued along in pursuit of this vindictive scheme, she gradually began to realize something alarming: the events of her capture at the hands of the gnome as well as the trajectory of her sudden, disastrous landing more than likely sent her far off the path the unicorns had set her on towards the Crystal Gems’ base. Which meant…

“I’m lost…” Peridot stopped short, her jaw dropping in disbelief as she looked around the dark woods surrounding her. Night had finally fallen in full, casting everything in dark, ominous shadows and leaving only the pale green light that the gemstone on her forehead had to act as a guide. Other than that, there were no makers telling her where to go, no signs indicating any sort of direction, no leads to off of whatsoever. And as the green Gem came to grips with that, a certain sort of despair, one that she decided to express in the only way she really knew how: through a log.

“L-log date 6 20 2… a-again…” she began uneasily, her screen materializing as she slowly moved to lean against a nearby tree. “I’m… still no closer to getting off this awful planet than I was before and… and to be honest, I’m not really sure how things could get any worse than they currently are now. I’ve wandered around this infernal forested biome for what seems like eons and all I have to show for it are a bunch of encounters with several strange, hostile creatures who, as far as I’m concerned, shouldn’t even exist, much less function as they do!”

Peridot paused for a moment, glancing up at the woods around her just as she barely spotted what she thought was a shadow, though it disappeared much too quick for her to even catch. Somewhere in the far off distance, a group of manly, rowdy shouts rose up from a group of manotaurs on the hunt, though the green Gem had no intention of going to see them for herself. In fact, she hardly even cared to acknowledge the large, rather majestic creature that was something of an elegant mix between an owl and a dragon that suddenly glided through the clearing swiftly and silently before disappearing back into the forest. Really, after the harrowing day she’d just had, it’d take a lot more than that to startle or surprise her at this point.

Of course, the dragon-owl deciding to land its droppings squarely on her shoulder as it passed by did catch her off guard quite a bit.

“Ugh…” Peridot groaned, flicking the unsavory substance off of her. “Its official. I hate everything about this planet. Still…” She sighed sadly as she brought up an image of Homeworld on her touch screen. “It seems as though I’m doomed just as much as everything else here. Why am I even kidding myself at this point? I’m never going to make it back to Homeworld in time and its all because of those enraging, interloping, despicable Crystal Gems! I would have never even came to this planet in the first place if not for their constant interference with my mission! But even I could have never guessed that they’d crash my ship and trap me here to die along with the rest of them! This is all just a game to them, and it’s a game they’ve clearly won since I’ve done just about everything in my power to leave the Earth and return home! But… nothing’s worked…”

Peridot’s finger screen split at this, her log officially coming to an end, though she still continued talking, more to herself than anyone else as she slowly slumped down to sit against the side of the tree. “My Diamond’s not coming to get me… No one is… I really am stuck here, for however long the Earth has left… And its time I finally accept that. Its hopeless… I’m finished…” The green Gem was unable to deny the hint of genuine grief mixed with fear as she leaned her head back against the tree so she could get a proper look at the clear night sky above her. She was almost on the verge of tears, completely and absolutely dejected, especially as she caught sight of the distant star she knew to be Homeworld, which, as she sat there, alone and sad in the dark, seemed so very close, but was ultimately still so very far away. “Still…” she said to herself, a single tear finally falling out from under her visor as she submitted herself to her eventual dark fate. “What I wouldn’t give to be there again, even just one final time…”

Peridot continued to stare up at that far off star for quite some time, the nighttime noises of the forest filling in for her despondent silence. For the briefest of moments, the green Gem almost felt herself relax amidst the sounds of the easy breeze wafting through the trees, the crickets chirping somewhere in the distance, and the glistening radiance of the stars up above. However, this relative calm was not destined to last. For just as Peridot was almost starting to enjoy it, she happened to steal a glance down at the ground below her, only to gasp in shock to realize that the color had all but drained from it. This odd phenomena continued as greyscale filled all of her other immediate surroundings, from the trees, to the grass, to even the night sky above. Startled, by this, the green Gem quickly hopped to her feet, spinning around to investigate the now colorless tree behind her. She didn’t get to look for very long however, before she was caught off guard once again, this time by a simple tap on her shoulder. Not wanting to take any more chances with any potentially hostile magical creatures, Peridot swiftly turned back around, her fingers already formed into her blaster as she faced whatever was behind her. Yet, as for exactly what was behind her was perhaps the very last thing she could have ever expected.

“Heya, Greenie, how ya doin’!?” the bizarre triangular being greeted with a bright salute as he floated apace away from her. “Wait, I don’t need to ask you that since I’ve basically been watching you all day, and lemme tell you, based on what I’ve seen, the answer to that question is: not too hot. Ha!”

Needless to say that Peridot was easily caught off guard by this being’s sudden and bewildering appearance, which was why she maintained her blaster as she gave him a cold, scrutinizing glare. “And who exactly are you supposed to be?”

“Who am I?” the dream demon repeated in faux offence. “I’m none other than the one and only Bill Cipher, duh!”

“…Who?” Peridot asked, still staying on the defensive, despite Bill’s apparently upbeat tone.

“Come on, Greenie, I’m shocked you’ve never heard of me,” Bill remarked as he easily circled the green Gem. “After all, we’ve got a LOT in common!”

“Oh really?” Peridot asked, eyeing him suspiciously. “Like what, exactly?”

“Well, for starters, there’s that incredibly handsome shape we both have going on,” the demon quipped, snapping his fingers to outline a glow around Peridot’s triangular hair.

“Are you referring to the uniformly angular shape of my hair?” she asked, picking a stray twig out of it.

“Sure am! Looks mighty familiar, doesn’t it?” Bill asked, pointing to his own triangular form.

“Hm… from a purely geometric standpoint, I suppose,” Peridot mused, gradually lowering her blaster. “Though even so, that’s highly coincidental considering you’re a… whatever it is you are.”

“I’ll tell you what I am, Greenie, I’m the answer to all your problems!” the demon exclaimed, gliding up a bit higher with a showy flair.

“I… highly doubt that…” the green Gem remarked, quite unimpressed by Bill’s chipper presentation thus far. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wallow in misery elsewhere.” Peridot prepared to press on, refusing to let herself get distracted by another bothersome pest from the surrounding area given her last several aggravating encounters. However, Bill apparently wasn’t content to simply let her move past him so easily, which was why he somehow managed to shift her position entirely on simply a whim, knocking her back right to where she had started in what seemed like an instant. “W-what the-?!”

“Hey, what’s the rush, Greenie?” Bill asked, pulling his cane out of nothingness as he spun it around playfully. “Its not like the Earth’s about to explode from the inside out or anything, is it? Oh wait, yeah it is!”

“Wha-” Peridot gasped, her eyes wide with surprise as the demon laughed callously over this grim fact. “H-how do you know about-”

“Please, Greenie, I know just about everything there is to know about this boring blob of dirt,” Bill rolled his eye. “Including that big, bad ‘geowepon’ your dear ol’ Diamond shoved into its crust centuries ago! Heck, its been down there so long that I’m surprised its not common knowledge by now, but then again, most of the meatskins on this planet are about as dense as they are easy to maim.”

“Ugh, tell me about it…” the green Gem groaned, still exasperated by her previous encounters.

“Still, kid, you’re so ready to just run off that haven’t even given me a chance to mention the OTHER thing the two of us have in common.”

“And that would be…?”

“We both wanna see a certain group of Crystal Chumps shattered right out of existence, if you know what I mean…”

Peridot stilled at this, her surprise growing even more upon hearing such a bold, yet relatable claim. A claim that she couldn’t help but seek a follow up on, even if she had no idea where that follow up might lead. “Let me get this straight,” she began evenly enough. “You want to get rid of those impertinent Crystal Clods too? Why?”

“Isn’t is obvious?” Bill asked with a hint of genuine aggravation towards the Gems in his tone. “Because they’re a bunch of pain in the neck goody-two-shoes! Not to mention… Well, let’s just say there’s this special little… trinket one of their human pals has that I’d really like to get my hands on. Most of those chumps don’t even know about it yet, but the minute they find out about it, it’ll make getting it ten times as hard for me.”

“Hm, sort of sounds like my escape pod that they rudely decided to steal for themselves without any kind of thought or reason whatsoever,” Peridot noted, not particularly caring too much about whatever the specific ‘trinket’ Bill was describing actually was.

“Yeah, just like that!” the demon exclaimed with a thumbs up. “Good news is, I’ve cooked up the PERFECT plan to finally crush those Gems like the bugs they are once and for all. And, since we’re both barking up the same tree with that whole goal, Greenie, I decided I might as well see if you wanted to jump in on that plan with me and knock them and their little human buddies out for good. After all, its like I always say; two triangles are better than one!”

“That is an… interesting proposal…” Peridot said, genuinely intrigued by the thought of teaming up with someone who already had a concrete plan in mind to get rid of her continual foes. “What exactly did you have in mind?”

“Well, I can’t tell you all the juicy details JUST yet…” Bill said, his tone ever cheerful, even as a hint of malice began to enter it. “But what I CAN say is that if everything goes off without a hitch, not only will we wipe those ‘dangerous rebels’ off the face of the soon-to-be non-existent Earth, but I’ll make sure you have a one-way ticket, all expenses paid ticket back to Homeworld, Greenie!”

“WHAT?!” Peridot gasped, completely floored by such incredible news. “Y-you can get me back to Homeworld?!”

“Yep! And it’d be real easy too!” the demon assured cordially. “All I’d need from you is your help in snuffing out those Crystal Chumps, which, hey! You were gonna do anyway, right? So, its like you’ll be killing two birds with one stone! Or, I guess in an analogy, you’d actually understand, Greenie, it’d be like killing a bunch of stupid pests then making it back home just in the nick of time to watch this planet go KABOOM!” At this, a loud, violent explosion seemed to rattle the entire clearing, throwing Peridot to the ground as she shook her head to clear it from the now settling din.

“A-as… interesting as all that sounds,” Peridot began, slowly and shakily rising to stand again. “I’d still like to know what specific methods we’d be using to obliterate those traitors before simply diving right in.”

“Ah, you don’t need to worry you’re pretty little triangular head about any of that, kid, I got it all covered!” Bill said with a nonchalant wave of his hand. “Honestly, you sound a whole lot like Yellow with all those questions about ‘battle plans’ and ‘tactics’, like anyone’s ever needed anything like that to win before!”

“Y-Yellow?!” Peridot asked, once again startled by the demon’s boldness. “As in… my Diamond?”

“The one and only!” the demon exclaimed blithely. “Then again, its not really hard to confuse any of them. I mean, they’re all conveniently color-coded, plus there’s only four of them. Well, technically there’s only three since one of them isn’t really much of ANYTHING nowadays, but ya know what I mean.”

“And what precisely would someone like you know about my Diamond?!” the green Gem asked in a huff, knowing that certainly, the illustrious Yellow Diamond would never associate herself with someone as roughish and uncouth as Bill came across.

“Oh, a ton!” Bill said as though it was obvious. “Me and Yellow go WAY back, back to before you were even a pile of unformed minerals in the ground, Greenie! She trusts me for just about everything, you know. I’m sorta like her eye in the sky when it comes to this hunk of rock here. Both literally and figuratively!” The demon laughed as his singular eye flashed brightly, illuminating the entire clearing for a brief moment before retuning it back to colorless darkness.

“B-but that doesn’t make any sense!” Peridot shook her head dismissively. “My Diamond is flawless, a pillar of order and reason. Two things that a being like you clearly doesn’t possess.”

“Aw, thanks, Greenie!” Bill quipped, genuinely flattered.

“A-and besides! There’s no possible way you could be in alliance with my Diamond,” the green Gem staunchly concluded. “Because if you were working with my Diamond, then certainly her loyal court, which includes me would have heard about it! Which, for the record, up until now, I certainly haven’t.”

“Which is totally your loss, kid, I’m a pretty interesting guy to know!” the demon chuckled, amused by Peridot’s frustration. “Still, you’d be pretty darn surprised by all the things Yellow’s never told any of you lower level grunts. Guess it goes to prove that even Diamonds aren’t completely transparent, ironically enough.”

“But-”

“Eh, but enough about boring ol’ Yellow,” Bill interjected quickly. “Let’s get back to talking about our plan to turn those Crystal Gems into Crystal DUST. Now, this is probably the best bargain you’re gonna get anywhere around here, Greenie, what with the whole free ride back to Homeworld and everything bundled right in, so what do ya say?” The demon extended his hand at this, alight with bright blue fire as Peridot took an anxious step back from it on instinct alone. “Would you rather be stuck here on this miserable rock until it’s finally wiped clean outta this galaxy or do you wanna get even with those Chumps and finally get back to where you’re supposed to be? Its all up to you…”

At this stark, heavy offer, Peridot naturally hesitated, her gaze captivated by the azure flames before her as she took a moment to carefully mull it all over. What Bill was promising her sounded like an absolute dream come true: a chance to take out the Crystal Gems and to get off this doomed planet all in one fell, easy swoop. On that simple aspect alone, the green Gem was almost very inclined to take this deal right then and there, no questions asked. And yet… she couldn’t help but wonder exactly what the demon intended on doing on a practical level to off the Gems and send her home. By all accounts, he had been very terse and vague in his explanations, not giving her very much at all to go off of save for mere promises alone. Promises that she didn’t even know would carry any actual weight at all.

And then, of course, there was the matter that Bill was apparently in league with her Diamond. It was a bold, audacious claim, one that Peridot wasn’t sure if she completely believed, given how stern and solitary Yellow Diamond usually came across as to her. Certainly, a being as radiant, powerful, and wise as a Diamond wouldn’t need the aid of someone as rowdy, ill-mannered, and chaotic as a dream demon. And certainly, if her Diamond wouldn’t need the help of a demon, then Peridot saw no reason as to why she’d need to seek his help out either. Which was why, despite all of the lofty promises Bill had made to her, she ultimately, coldly gave him her answer.

“I… think I’ll make do on my own, if its all the same to you,” the green Gem said, pulling her hand away from the one the demon had presented to her.

“Well, hey then, no worries!” Bill retracted his own hand, his manner surprisingly still bright and amicable, despite this rejection. “After all, if anyone’s equipped enough to handle a bunch of dull ol’ ‘clods’ like those Crystal Chumps, then it’s you, Greenie!”

“Wait… really?” Peridot asked, surprised by the demon’s apparent confidence in her.

“Really!” the demon confirmed. “But still, if you DO find yourself needing a hand in breaking a few of those rebellious space rocks, then my offer’s always on the table! All you gotta do is ASK.” Bill’s tone turned startling dark and ominous at this, enough to elicit a small gasp of surprise out of Peridot before he quickly resumed his usually cheery ways. “Oh, by the way! Here’s a free tip: that fancy temple of theirs is actually right through that bunch of trees over there.” He pointed out a thicket only a few feet away from them. “Figured I’d give you a decent head start on that good old fashioned ‘revenge’ of yours, right?”

“O-oh… well, um… that’s… much appreciated,” the green Gem nodded gruffly, unsure of how to properly thank the demon for such genuinely valuable intel.

“Anything for you, Greenie!” Bill exclaimed as he rose high into the sky above Peridot. “Well, I gotta run. Still, I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you again VERY soon. Just remember, that if you’re ever in a pinch, just call your good buddy Bill to bail you out. I’ll be there in a SNAP!”

With a swift snap of his fingers, the demon completely disappeared and the world instantly reverted back to its usual nighttime color pallet. Peridot gasped by the suddenness of it all, still largely bewildered by her rather bizarre encounter with Bill alone. Still, out of all the strange creatures she had encountered over the past several hours, he was by far the least irritating. And that was saying something, since the demon was, in fact, rather annoying on his own.

Still, the green Gem cautiously decided to heed his directions, making her way over to the small break in the nearby trees in the hopes that it would finally lead her to the Gems’ base. All the while, however, she couldn’t help but wonder exactly what might have transpired if she really had taken Bill up on his mysterious offer. Would he have really gotten her back to Homeworld, or would he have just ultimately left her high and dry like everyone else around these parts seemed to have done? Peridot supposed she’d never really get a chance to know, though she did hold onto the fact that Bill’s offer did still apparently stand. Not that she thought she’d ever really need to take him up on it but still, it was the thought that counted.

At the same time, the green Gem couldn’t really get the thought of the demon and her Diamond working together out of her mind either. The thought seemed completely preposterous and out of the question, yet some small part of her still wondered if it could somehow be true. Yellow Diamond was a reliable, logical leader, yes, but she was also known to be somewhat distant from her Gems, ruling over them with a tight, authoritarian fist, but never really engaging with too many of them on a personal level. Perhaps, as a ruler, she could harbor a few secrets or alliances she kept hidden out of her court’s sight for their own good, but why then would she hide her dealings with someone like Bill away? What would even be the point of that? Why wouldn’t Homeworld, or at the very least her own Gems, be allotted to such simple, unassuming information?

These were all questions that Peridot had no answers to, nor did she believe she needed to have answers to them because she was still quite confident in the fact that Bill had completely fabricated such an alliance from the start. Crafted it as a way to draw her into agreeing to his terms, so to speak. It was a clever argument to be sure, one that the green Gem nearly fell for, but even then she was much too wise to be fully duped by it.

Still, Peridot was quick to put such worrying thoughts aside as she finally peered through the trees, a wide, excited, admittedly relieved smile spreading across her face at what she saw. Though a small, ramshackle shack rested in the darkness immediately before her, just up the hill from it was a structure she instantly recognized from her initial landing on Earth weeks ago: the Crystal Gems’ temple itself, standing tall and proud over the surrounding area, completely unsuspecting of the intruder it was about to receive.

“Yes!” Peridot cheered to herself in an triumphant whisper, knowing that her long, aggravating struggles were finally, finally about to come to an end. She was going to eradicate the Crystal Gems and their human allies like the simple nuisances that they were, she was going to repair the Homeworld warp, and she was going to make it back to Homeworld at long, long last. And most of all, she was going to do it all on her own, without any help from unicorns, gnomes, or demons alike. “Prepare yourself, you Crystal Clods… Because I’m about to settle this, once and for all…”

#jen writes #universe falls #peridot in the wild #peridot #unicorns #gnomes #leprecorn #bill cipher #gravity falls #steven universe #crossover #au #fanfic #keyword is clod

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