#last month or so has been pretty rough overall but these books have been helping me a lot

[tea-time-with-frogs]

the guy ever

[tleeaves]

Gush about your favourite TSC characters and ships! It's a free-for-all.

This is an incredibly sweet opportunity and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out who and what I want to talk about first. It's probably no secret or surprise that most of my favourites of anything in TSC come from the TLH series. See, with such open-ended gushing opportunities as this, actually, there are sooo many characters I want to talk about. I'm beginning to fear everyone's going to regret you calling this a free-for-all.

James Herondale is by far my favourite TSC character in existence, and I think about him and have talked about him (elsewhere, before I had any Tumblr blogs) the most. If you've read some of my longer fanfics at all, this likely hasn't come as a shock to you, but I love the guy, which is probably why I'm a little weird when it comes to others' posts about him (maybe Jane Austen was onto something when she said that if I loved someone less, I'd be able to talk about them more). We all come away from reading books with different takes on characters, and that's a perfectly normal phenomenon. Because I feel so deeply about James, I tend to dance around the topic of him unless I do agree with someone else's analysis or I have something substantial to say, and even then I tend to curb myself because I don't want to sound like a raving lunatic... and now I realise how long that sentence was. (I'm already a raving lunatic, aren't I?) Anyhow, this is an opportunity to gush, and gush I will (very extensively).

See, I've seen it going around the fandom that people dislike the characterisation of James or the way he was presented in earlier short stories pre-TLH publications and then post when some might argue he was a completely different person. Honourable mention to my fellow countryman, musician, and fanauthor, @faithfromanewperspective, who has some fascinating posts discussing the neurodivergence of the TLH cast, which help further explain their personalities and some of their characterisation across their written existence (seriously, go check out some of Silver's analysis posts, they're such wonderful and interesting reads). Similar to Silver, I like to observe the essentially four different Jameses that exist across the timeline of James Herondale's written existence.

We have the James from the Shadowhunter Academy era, James in The Midnight Heir set several months before the events of The Last Hours, and then, of course, who we have during TLH pre- and post-bracelet influence. I once embarked on a research rabbit warren when I hit a rough patch in fanfic writing where I was trying to decide how best to write James post-bracelet while still remaining as canon-compliant as possible, while also filling in the gaps I and other fans have been frustrated with in James' evolution, all before Chain of Thorns was released. I reread all the stories that involved James and constructed an approximate timeline where I explored the ways his personality was presented at various points. From there, I tried to make sense of him by connecting, essentially, these four Jameses.

James holds a number of insecurities and burdens that pretty much sealed the deal for me when I was reading about him the first time around (don't ask me to count how many times I've read about him overall). Similar to when I discussed the topic of Jem Carstairs and chronic illness (see here), I connected to James Herondale through the avenue of chronic conditions. Other content creators like to interpret characters through lenses of mental illness or disorders, for instance, which definitely have a wealth of analysis and discussion to offer. My go-to instead, I suppose, is chronic illness and relationship dynamics, and how that affects a person's character. I may have talked in part about this before somewhere on here, but I'm too lazy to comb through the James Herondale tag that exists on my fandom blog (@streettealee, where I'll also be reposting this ramble). Anyway, burdens and insecurities.

Goatface Herondale

The academy days were especially rough for many characters, but here I'm talking about James (obviously). He was around the age of 13 when he attended the Shadowhunter Academy (a year, give or take a bit, before Grace would ask him to retrieve her bracelet and wear it, and a little closer in time to when he went to Cirenworth and had scalding fever). We see that he was a rather shy kid, generally self-conscious as one tends to be when reaching teenage years especially, and also quite insecure.

He has a close relationship with his parents and also his sister. We know he's very protective of Lucie, and they were playmates, which naturally lends itself to bonding and frequent squabbles (take it from me, an eldest child with a younger sister born right as I became a toddler -- we were each other's only friends in many respects and we got into a lot of fights, yet I would do anything for my sister, even take ownership for her mistakes just because I didn't want her to suffer the consequences). The nature of his relationship with Lucie is something that does not change as the series progresses (it would have been interesting to see her reaction to him in TMH though). As for his parents: James is what my friends and I in primary school would have mockingly called "The Golden Child" (and not for his eyes, mind you), because he's not simply a mama's boy or father's boy. James is the dreaded combination of both, in which he is always trying to do right by them in some way, shape, or form, without much particular favour for one over the other. It wouldn't surprise me if Lucie was ever bitter about him being the oldest and something of a goody-two-shoes, or if James regarded it the other way with Lucie always getting away with everything because she's younger and so innocent-seeming (she definitely play-acted her way out of things as a child).

As has been examined by others already, James carries the burden of his parents' love (we'll get to more of this in the next section). Not only is he the miracle child of a Shadowhunter and a warlock, never seen before, he is also affected by the trauma Tessa carries as an outsider within the Enclave, and the concern she and Will have for him that borders on overbearing. We see in his academy era that he will not say goodbye to his father because he knows he cannot bear it and does not want to be seen as weak. We also see that he refuses to go home and or do anything that would reflect badly on his mother, because she is already alienated for being a warlock in Shadowhunter society. Furthermore, James is resentful of his father particularly at this time, because James is constantly being compared to him (again, we'll come back to this). He wishes Will Herondale were less than perfect so that James would be allowed to be who he is: less than perfect, a Nephilim child with demon blood.

As a kid, it can be difficult growing up in an environment where you are from two cultures, and everyone around you is constantly trying to get you to pick which you most are between them, instead of unifying them both as elements of your identity (this is from my personal experience). James has been an odd Shadowhunter for most of his life, up until the point at the academy where his warlock powers (thanks to Belial, yay) suddenly manifest. From that point on, where it is seen that some magical capability is possible, James is caught between two worlds. It was bad enough for him to have strange yellow-gold eyes ("Goatface Herondale") which he tried to hide by wearing his glasses more often than necessary, he then had to contend with a more noticeable, alienating feature of his demonic heritage, which drove away even the mundanes he had previously been befriending (outsiders to a particular majority tend to flock together, up to a certain point, as demonstrated).

So, there's that aspect of his shadow powers. When I read about James, I drew connections also with the earlier mentioned chronic illness view. His demonic heritage is not a condition, but his experience of their manifestation in uncontrollable and traumatising episodes of shadow magic are what I would call one. As if he were not insecure enough about not being extroverted enough to break out of his loneliness and enter social circles he's always skirted at the edges of, he is afflicted by a condition that betrays his body and will. This loss of control is difficult for anyone. It's easy to feel helpless, even after a diagnosis of something, because it is incurable and or unpredictable in nature. Self-loathing lends itself to those left vulnerable by such a violent change in their body's nature and their identity. There is a lot to be said about the labels given to us and the ones we assume. To James, this is just another way he is less than perfect, less than his father, a weakness to his mother and family, no longer on totally common ground with his sister, different from his peers, and his ability to tamp down this part of him and appear as some semblance of "normal" for Nephilim becomes tied with his self-esteem.

As a quick side note: it is my theory that James feels like an outsider among Downworld circles and that is why he has always been rather awkward around them. We see he does fine in The Devil Tavern when he gradually makes a second home of it, but there are other instances, such as a brief moment that lives rent-free in my head where, at his introduction in Chain of Gold, he walks past a vampire and avoids eye contact because "[unless Downworlders broke the law, it was none of his business what they did]" (I'm paraphrasing there) and I think there's been a bit of shame instilled in him. James is not wholly a Downworlder, and he is not wholly Nephilim, and because he was raised as a Shadowhunter and alienated anytime he was not quite resembling one, he does his best to try and follow Shadowhunter values and norms and further avoids some aspects of Downworld in some contexts, like when he's just come off a patrol.

Of course, good things come to James too at this time: Matthew finally manages to befriend him, and the two are both insecure people who find security in each other. He also leaves the Shadowhunter Academy, and Matthew declares he and James are going to be parabatai and must therefore stick together, which for James would feel pretty damn good -- not only because Matthew wants to share such a special connection with him, considering his demonic heritage and the inherent angelic ties the parabatai ceremony holds, but also because his father places a lot of stress on parabatai as one of the greatest forms of love that exists (again, we come to that burden of love idea) and so James, I believe, would find this an opportunity to live up to the expectations his parents hold.

AND ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: I THINK IT IS BRILLIANT THAT TLH IS BASED ON GREAT EXPECTATIONS I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THE ENTIRE TLH CAST IS SADDLED WITH ALL THESE THINGS EXPECTED OF THEM FOR VARIOUS REASONS, I COULD GO ON ABOUT THIS FOREVER AND THE CONNECTIONS THEY HAVE TO THE ORIGINAL NOVEL BY DICKENS.

All that is to say: this first sort of version of James that we see is shy, insecure, sweet, generally well-intentioned, clever (he's funny and I didn't get time to try and go back to the book to pick up all the instances where he says something amusing, keep off), and reaches this first turning point of burden -- the burden of love and expectations, and of his heritage and abilities/condition. All of this has already brewed into a hero complex (it does not quite rival Cordelia's, but it's up there -- James really likes to handle things himself and on his own, and now it's got me thinking about Batman... anyway).

Helen of Troy

This boy had shining golden eyes, like a crystal glass filled brimful with crisp white wine and held up to catch the light of a blazing sun. If his skin was luminous, his eyes were radiant. Magnus could not imagine these eyes as tender. The boy was very, very lovely, but this was a beauty like that Helen of Troy might have had once, disaster written in every line. The light of his beauty made Magnus think of cities burning.

The Midnight Heir is perhaps the most contentious piece written about James, and I would like to point several things out before we proceed: Cassandra Clare wrote this (as well as Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy) with co-authors who, as far as I know, were not as heavily involved in TLH. Furthermore, this is from Magnus Bane's perspective, and he is known to dramatise just as much as the TLH cast themselves like to drape their lives in drama. Now, going forward...

This occurred before TLH and I have my practical writer theories as to why James wound up so different in TLH compared to TMH. Clare changed her mind about the story's trajectory, about who the main characters would be, what the romances would look like, who she wanted James Herondale to be. And this is where I have to admit, Clare as a writer -- like any other -- is flawed and has a history of inconsistencies. As frustrating as it can be, it happens, and so there is obviously the issue of "well who is the REAL James Herondale? What/who is canon?"

This brings me to my exercise in interpreting James: the different Jameses that exist and my way of uniting them all so that they do indeed make one coherent character who can have the mildness of his academy era, the wild intensity of his midnight era, and have all that remain consistent with who he is by The Last Hours (during and post bracelet).

As you may have gathered from the Goatface Herondale topic above, James' turning point at the academy was just the start of the disasters he was written for--disaster written in every line--which leads up to TMH or his Helen of Troy period. There are some interpretations that his wild and unruly behaviour was simply as it was presented to us: heartbreak taken to the extreme "because he's a Herondale and they love only but once blah blah bullshit blah" and heightened by the cursed bracelet he was wearing at the time (there is textual evidence he had it on him, and we are told Grace merely sent a letter that made him despair and things were quickly made up after). Then, such as done by Silver, there is the interpretation that James may be bipolar or have some other disorder in which he experiences manic episodes, which lead to the vast, seemingly inexhaustible energy he had that night in TMH where we first meet him as he's grown older and the complete mood swing that almost resembles an entire change in character (also look to the dialogue of his parents who say he never used to be like this, he was always so studious, so good, very mild and well-behaved, kept his parabatai in line and shared private jokes). This is where I would have really liked to know Lucie's view, because as his sister, she is more than likely to share a view that is different from the adults gathered (Magnus, Tessa, Will, and Jem), and I almost think she would say he's being dramatic and she doesn't know what got into him except he's still treating her all the same and then she'd just roll her eyes (I'm not saying she wouldn't be concerned, but just that she'd easily disguise it as a mockery of her brother doing dumb shit).

There is also something to be said about masking and "the Mask" that James dons. However, I do not know enough about this to comment much on it. I direct you once again to @faithfromanewperspective who I know has covered this topic in more detail. What I have to add around it (as someone with some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence, but leaning toward ADHD and C-PTSD (I do not yet have the funds or ability to seek professional opinions)) is that this is plausible, and yet not my first thought when I'm considering the totality of James and how we can unite the different stages of his timeline. I say this because I experience bursts and lulls of certain behaviours, and so far I do not have anything concrete to attribute it to, and it may sound stupid, but I have found (in my experience) that sometimes we lose our inhibitions as a result of extreme emotions in difficult circumstances. Who I am when I am at home is different to who I am in the classroom and different again to who I am when I've been drinking alcohol and who I am when I'm wandering the streets of a city late at night (always with friends, notably, because I don't feel safe enough to wander alone at night as a woman). Sometimes, I do not even need a drink in me to loosen up certain aspects of my mentality, but a few hours of sleep deprivation (sort of a lie, I'm almost always sleep deprived and it's yet another chronic issue I'm working on since it affects other areas of my health). I believe I am a product of my environment in many ways. And so is James.

There is some merit to the original idea that James has been ensconced in such profound love his whole life, that when his love life goes wrong and is not at all like the beautiful fairytale he resents his parents for having and pushing on him, it destroys him inside. Admittedly, I'd say this would have greater impact and would be a much more compelling narrative if the bracelet was not cursed and James was allowed to break the dumb Herondale myth of loving once (furthering that alienation but ultimately providing him liberation). But even with the bracelet: James believes himself in love, believes he is damned because he is demonic and nothing good can ever become of him or anything he wants in life, he is going to always get the short end of the stick because the expectations placed on him are too great, and he has received a devastating letter as a hormonal teenager with access to an entire city to terrorise and alcoholic drinks to consume. I'd say it's not far-fetched to assume he was just incredibly drunk and heartbroken that night, and was simply embracing the drama that teenagers lean toward.

It is, though, the sheer cruelness that James demonstrates in front of Magnus that pokes a hole in this framework. The James we knew previously, and even the James we see in TLH, is not who you would call cruel. So where did this come from? Was it his resentment against Downworld rising to the surface, an extension of his insecurities raging inside him? Rebelliousness against his parents? If he embraces chaos and cruelty and vice, can he convince himself he is merely being who he was always meant to be, as someone who is part demon? (Sound familiar to anyone? *cough* Jace Herondale *cough*) Was he as drunk as Magnus thought he was? Was James, in reality, experiencing some sort of manic high where he could be wickedly precise with a gun and still be entirely out of his typical character?

I have no definite answer, except that I urge you to reflect inward. Have we not all at least once experienced a time where we "have not acted ourselves"? Where, for one reason or another, we shed our usual attitudes and embraced a different side of ourselves that only seems out of character because others around us do not know us as we know ourselves? I know I have. I know I can be cruel and nasty when I let go of care, and that a part of me believes sometimes that it is my truest nature because of what some people drilled into me for many impressionable years. That sometimes it is a form of self-harm, because I can still feel empathy and I know what I am doing is hurting someone else, and it hurts me too because I am so aware of it and the whole vicious mental cycle goes on. I know that if I simply stay up long enough at night, I indulge in reckless behaviours and say whatever comes to my mind with little to no filter. I know that I can have periods of energy fueled by recklessness, by some social interactions, by many other factors, and can lead to be attempting to perform feats I typically would not.

James trying to make love to a lamppost and a dog and what have you? That I could attribute to drinking or sleep deprivation. It could just as easily be something else, but I will stand by the fact that this is not out of the ordinary when one is in an extraordinary sort of mental state. I also believe Clare's intentions when writing that was more for humour than anything.

Returning to my earlier point, I do believe James might have been cruel in TMH because he simply could be, because he is unloveable (in his mind), demonic, and for that period of time, dreadfully tired of how hard he had to try to be someone everyone believed he was not. And perhaps because this rebellion, this reckless behaviour, as chaotic as it appears, is actually his form of taking control over his life and his image. If he acts the part of a wild, half-warlock, if he embraces wickedness, he is in control of that and no comments or misfortune that might be attributed to it are as bad in his mind. To him, under the curse, Grace is perfect and he's just Ken James, barely a Herondale. This night in TMH that catches glimpse of his character as of late is actually just the snowball effect of his insecurities that we already saw in the academy.

So, how does that connect to the Jameses of TLH?

Barely a Herondale

Let's revisit my favourite topics of chronic illness and control. We see by TMH, and with context provided in Chain of Gold, that James had begun to master his shadow abilities, so that they became actual abilities and not just a condition that he was struggling with. In a way, I see it as a remission. James has developed this precious view of control because of this, I would argue, and we see him grapple with control and his insecurities in TLH more. When we open the series with Chain of Gold and we see James enter the shadow realm against his will in the middle of a fight, there is a deep sense of body betrayal, I find when reading. I feel for James when his friends go "I thought that had stopped happening/all that rubbish was over" and he goes "me too". I cannot count the times in my life when I genuinely thought my health troubles were over, that the rollercoaster was only going up, just to have a horrible shock when suddenly my body gives out on me and I am plunged for months into chronic pain and illness all over again for usually unclear reasons. I have no cure, just as James doesn't. We simply have methods of managing our respective conditions, if that makes sense. It is a constant fight for control over ourselves. There have been times where I will not tell a single person that my symptoms of something have come back, simply because I am exhausted and I already know the drill of management techniques I'll have to employ myself.

James reaches for his knife, for the pain to bring him back. He contacts Jem because he's worried and has no idea what's going on or why it happened. I am so, so obsessed with this. I can't stress enough how much I relate to his whole shadow dilemma from a perspective of chronic illness. I am shaking you, reader. Please understand. I don't care how flawed this guy is or the fact that Clare might not have intended this interpretation, this is my form of projection like everyone else has theirs and it is so comforting to me, as someone who also struggles to feel in control of my own body, who exerts control over other things in other ways just to cope.

This is one line of consistency I draw from Goatface to Helen of Troy to the James of TLH. Now, moving on...

We see that in TMH that Will and Tessa have been trying to get through to James for ages to try and coax out of him what his problems are and why he is acting out. I discussed this once with an old writing partner, how when the Herondales learned of the Carstairs coming to London to save their reputation and required their help, that Will and Tessa likely approached James and demanded he be on his best behaviour so that they can help the Carstairs. For if the Herondales tried to help while James himself was out ruining his reputation, then the Carstairs would surely be doomed.

And so, we have the image of The Perfect Gentleman™ developed over the next few months ready for the arrival of Sona, Cordelia, and Alastair Carstairs in London. This coincides with the fact that over the summer (after the winter period when he had his wild streak and the spring when he would have been getting his heart and act together) he did not go to Idris to see Grace for the first time in years and the bracelet's hold on him was weakening significantly, which I believe, would mean less of the heightened hurt and insecurity surrounding the topic of love for at least a little while, because he would simply care about Grace (in a romantic sense) less. Who knows? Perhaps becoming the model gentleman was his form of revenge against Tatiana and others, because if he conforms and commits heavily to Shadowhunter society and the rules of propriety, then he cannot be faulted for his heritage so easily by that point. Plus, this is much easier to follow when he thinks he has total control over his shadow abilities at that point in time. For about six months, he can simply put it out of his mind (and get extra weird about interacting with Downworld and how he feels about it. This also brings me to a side tangent about how I think his interest in the occult is the little demon/magic intrigue he allows himself in private where only his friends are likely to be aware of the books he keeps. He says, if I recall correctly, at some point that he finds it fascinating what mundanes think of magic and how close or far they are from it sometimes, and I propose there's like this secret third thing to it about how he likes looking at magic and demonology from the perspective of a third party -- someone who is not Nephilim or of Downworlder origin, because it is the closest kinship he might find).

Also, let's not forget how much people in real life, let alone characters, can change over a period of time, much less several months to a year. I truly do not think his character is as inconsistent between books as it is made out to be. I think the real issue is that Clare left out elements of context that would have helped when characterising James and his journey, hashing out who he is and who he is not. I think another blog brought it up once, how TLH should have been multiple books and not just a trilogy. I agree, I think the dense character work would have benefitted from being more spaced out, particularly when exploring the bracelet in regard to James. Because the James after Chain of Gold especially feels rather like a blank slate that Cordelia is usually projecting upon. Which is valid. I have another theory about this, where the reason James was suddenly the It Guy at social gatherings was because he had "cleaned up his act" in the recent year and the bracelet meant that he was a blank canvas for the girls of the Enclave to project their desires onto. Perhaps it's an allosexual thing, but I know of myself and many others who tend to form crushes on people we know next to nothing about simply because they're beautiful and we make things up in our head based on what little knowledge we have, and the gaps are filled to suit. In Chain of Gold, it felt very purposeful, and the changes between James while wearing the bracelet as opposed to without was much more noticeable.

Genuinely, I think Clare dropped the ball once she got to Chain of Iron, and then dropped even further when writing Chain of Thorns. But still, for the sake of outlining the consistencies of James' character rather than the flaws, we'll ignore my personal frustration with those books and continue on.

We still see his insecurities manifest in various ways throughout TLH. Before we get to that, I'd like to point out that James remains clever throughout this series, always introverted even if he knows how to navigate social situations better now, forever a bookworm, loyal, but no longer so much of a people-pleaser as he seems much more prepared to be an adversary in any given situation as well as embrace rebellion, which I think gets overlooked a lot (do you see how quickly he goes "lock up your daughters and your greenhouses, James Herondale is on the loose and has a penchant for property damage etc." after getting in trouble in Chiswick? I swear, this guy had my heart in a chokehold). LIKE. CAN YOU NOT SEE IT? The way he is still the same guy we saw in TMH? His personality did not change so drastically that he is someone else -- it's still him! He's still there! He's just evolved over the months! And here we are, this is one such place where his insecurities are still pronounced, but in such a way where he tries to own it, to control it, once again.

And in spite of all the Herondale traits James definitely carries, he is still not the typical Herondale like Will and Jace or even some of the others we've seen. James is also Tessa and her trauma and Jem and his teachings and his father and his legacy, and he is influenced by disaster (hello? He was thirteen when he saw another dead kid? Got diagnosed with Greater-demon-for-a-grandfather? Has been brainwashed since fourteen?).

Remember how ready he was to believe he was a murderer? That's his insecurity and history talking. These horrible nightmares he's been having too. James tried so hard to be a hero, and yet he believes he inevitably ends up being someone against the heroes. He is surprised when Cordelia says he's the leader of the group because that's not how he sees himself. And this is what I find so fascinating about James. There's how other people see him, and many people see him differently, and then there's how he sees himself. (I will note that I find the idea of the Merry Thieves having any sort of leader laughable. I truly feel that's not how their group dynamic works. It felt like an excuse for Cordelia to fawn over him (as you do when you have a crush on someone) and have that weird shoe-horned on-the-nose moment where James goes to comfort Thomas and waves the others over when Barbara dies).

Most of what I have to talk about admittedly deals more with Chain of Gold, simply because kind of got lost between Chain of Iron and Chain of Thorns. He's still there, and I still see the strings of his personality, I think Clare just let some of his key character issues fade into the background. Also, I still only read Chain of Thorns once. I haven't been motivated to pick that one back up.

One thing I do like about Chain of Thorns though is that James was allowed to be the bad guy, even if it was via being a puppet for Belial. There was something almost cathartic about him crowning himself King of England. He didn't save the day; Cordelia did. James was merely fulfilling a prophecy he had made for himself.

Also, we don't get to see much of James without the bracelet. I think he's still trying to figure out who he is now that the curse is gone, then after Belial is gone and so are the main aspects of his warlock abilities. James has to redefine himself beyond many of the securities he held (so fucking mad that the "technically I did only love once because it was always Cordelia under the curse 🤪" happened because it would have made more sense for James to also break through that insecurity, but whatever).

In conclusion... um, this guy's just neat? I think he's beyond interesting. People who say he's boring and blank, I hear you, I just can't say I totally agree with you. He's my favourite character. I'll make all the excuses. I just wrote this to try and defeat the idea that his personality is inconsistent because I think it can be argued that it actually is not when you consider, well, all of the above. Anyway, I spent almost the whole day writing this. Whoops.

My other favourite characters are Matthew Fairchild, Cordelia Carstairs, Jem Carstairs, Magnus Bane, and Ragnor Fell. Love them all so much. I love a great many characters but these ones most of all.

Ships? Look, as much as I will criticise it and absolutely agree with other critiques of them, I love Jordelia. I project on and relate to both characters, what do you want from me. Also, I keep saying I have no faith in TWP and that I will not be actively seeking it out but... I do like Kit and Ty. Sue me. The drama is so delicious. For ages though, I've been wanting an equally juicy lesbian ship, I feel like the ones we have just... aren't it. You know? I think there was a missed opportunity in making Cordelia bisexual and a girl crush for Grace. OH BUT I ALSO LOVE GRACE AND LUCIE. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, I LOVE THEM. THEIR DYNAMIC COULD HAVE BEEN BRILLIANT.

Anyway, The End. That was a very long gush.

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

15 QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

Tagged by @izzy-b-hands Thank you so much!! I know tag games are slowly fading from fashion, but they are a lovely excuse to rant a bit!

1.) ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Nope! When my mother gave birth she randomly chose a name from a book she liked! She was between two, one becoming my name second becoming my middle name! (My middle name being -Amaya!)

I have been debating changing my, but it's a misspelling of a common name. If someone says it there's a 50/50 chance they say the male spelling, so I can't *not* appreciate it. That and it flows off the tongue with my last name.

[BUT OMG- Izzy would be *such* a good nickname. My ongoing gender crisis makes it hard to choose just 1.(Though I will 100% get a spade/swallow/Polaris(4-pointed star) tattoo on my hand at some point)]

2.) WHEN WAS THE LAST NIGHT YOU CRIED?

I don't know. Probably around 2-3 months ago??? I've been very busy lately, and usually only cry with fic or when it just *naturally* happens. I've been stressed, so I think I'll plan out a good cry this weekend!

Recently I've been frustrated after I received critiques about how I write in a few college classes, which has been a bit rough, but I'll learn from it. A lot of this has to do with how having a bad attention span affects how I write(if you're a follower of mine, you've definitely noticed my errors). I've noticed this in my fanworks as well, a lot of missed words or autocorrects incorrectly editing my work. I am debating going back and re-editing everything out of embarrassment. A combination of ADHD+ Dyslexia is hell when you like writing.

3.) DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

No! No hate to those who do, but I don't think I could be a parent. I know I CAN but I haven't beaten my demons yet, and I wouldn't want to pass them down. I want to make sure I can work through my own habits first.

If I could afford them? I would be much more 50/50. In a few years if my partner REALLY wants them, and we have a support system to help raise them, and we can afford them? MAYBE. I'm the eldest in my family, so maybe I'll get to be a cool uncle.

4.) WHAT SPORTS HAVE YOU PLAYED/DO YOU PLAY?

I'm very uncoordinated. I tried out for the volleyball team when I was around 13, and didn't make the team. On top of having issues showing up consistently that would have made weekly practice hell, I have always been a twig. In High School, after I figured my own habits out a bit more, I was in band/marching band and theater!

Today, I work on my feet, and enjoy indoor rock climbing and weight lifting. Though it really doesn't look like I do!

5.) DO YOU USE SARCASM?

Yes! But it doesn't land unless you've known me forever. I think I'm a hoot, but if I take the energy I bring hanging out with family into the real world? It doesn't transfer. My humor is very dry and half the time people end up explaining how 'you don't understand___' when in reality, I was making a joke. Now I'm getting a lecture.

6.) WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Besides outward appearance, I tend to notice moods pretty well before they start talking. Stress, anxiety, anger, happiness, etc, someone's body language. Might be a survival mechanism from growing up with my parent, but it's helpful. THAT and I have a really bad resting bitch face, and 'sad' looking eyes that make me not, look happy 90% of the time. If I do, I'm purposefully smiling.

The 'energy' someone brings to the conversation usually determines how it's going to go. I'm awful with names and faces. At my current job, I've been there since November and can only name 5/40ish coworkers. It's currently March.

Body part-wise? Eyes. I force eye contact like it's no one's business.

7.) WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?

Brown! Dark brown, not yet black. I usually wear brown glasses to match my brown hair+eyes. Plus a brown jacket/boots. Overall, I also dress in a LOT of browns. Very 70s-style white hippie meets flannels!

8.) SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

BOTH!

I'm joking, but in all actuality, I just need narrative consistency that fits the tone of your story. Realize if it's a tragedy or comedy and give it a fitting ending.

If we assume this question is more 'do you want to be scared/sad from the stuff you watch or do you just want comfort media?' I heavily lean more comfort. Though I love taking these shows and turning them a bit horrific, it's always to serve a central idea of character growth.

'Character A from show needs to learn a lesson'. Alright, what if the thing that teaches them this lesson is a ghost. Or if a character is thrown into the world suddenly alone-they to have them learn they are competent and not helpless. If that makes any sense.

I enjoy horror/tragedy as a group of tropes but enjoy it more as a way to tell a human story.

9.) ANY TALENTS?

I would frame them as hobbies more than talents, as I've never been naturally good at anything.

I enjoy playing bass guitar/guitar, I embroider, and of course, I write. But I am trying to improve in all of these as I go about my life.

For my instruments, I rely on Rocksmith! I love hooking up an instrument, turning my mind off, and letting my fingers do the work as I listen to songs I like on repeat. As I mentioned with being uncoordinated above with sports, it's slow progress, but I'm having fun doing it!

When I write, I know I have issues really editing my work. I'll change a sentence, and miss a few words in the edit, so now the entire paragraph doesn't flow. That, with dyslexia and the writing platform I use having a less than reliable spell check? Yeah. I wish to improve in how I write. My sentences often don't flow together. I jump from thought to thought, but I'm getting better at catching my thoughts. I only just started writing again in 2022, so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.

I've been told I'm good with lecturing, but that's just from my love of writing essays.

10.) WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Small town in Montana, USA. I've lived in Texas, Hawaii, and Virginia due to family being in the military until I was in my early teens. I would say I'm a Montana'ian, as I've spent over half of my life here. It's not awful, the price of living is getting bad as nature lovers with money take the property, but things could be worse. I wish I could leave the US. However, I've realized I need to grow my career and have experience before any country would let me emigrate. So I'll be in my thirties before I have the chance to. (I have no idea if that GIF is in Montana but it fits the vibe)

11.) WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Writing, reading, drawing(it's god awful, but I doodle), listening to music, and I've been trying to get into recording podfics for a year at this point. My hatred of my own voice is seriously holding me back.

12.) DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

Yes! I currently have two cats of my own, Polly and Cricket. Both of whom I have inserted into the random fic, as some overly proud pet parents can admit to. They've been with me since early high school, 2016ish. As I currently live with family and do online school, they live with me, and have since 2020. But, due to me going back to in-person classes this fall, my mother will be taking them back. I highly empathize with @izzy-b-hands as I will be in a similar situation soon. Shit sucks!

13.) HOW TALL ARE YOU?

5'9/5'10. Taller if I'm in my boots! I enjoy it.

14.) FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

Even with my issues keeping a consistent thought, and god-awful dyslexia, I loved English. I averaged around a 90% even if I tried my hardest, but I just fell in love with story analysis and literature. Back then I was convinced a STEM field would save me, so I graduated with 7 math courses and 6 sciences completed in 4 years. Only indulging in the 1 required English in all four years of school. If not for the pandemic and college making me realize I hated most sciences, I wouldn't have fallen back in love with writing. Not taking the schools english classes was my main regret in Highschool.

So either English or History. History was easy for me-I had A+'s in all my courses. Mainly because I memorized historical events like one would a story. Good stuff though.

15.) DREAM JOB?

Writer-teacher-therapist. I am working on becoming the ladder but honestly, the retention rate is so low, most leave the field in their first ten years. I wouldn't want to be a teacher to gen alpha kids, given how most are years behind their grade. But a professor wouldn't be a bad job.

My want to be a therapist comes from controlling some of my hours, and in-depth interactions with the public that go beyond fake customer service smiles. I hate dehumanization and all my jobs so far have been putting on more masks that I already have been struggling to take off for years. That, and I have issues doing work I'm not passionate about but I already see myself falling in love with the field. Especially drug rehabilitation work. My main hesitancy is how our current healthcare system in the US is unaffordable and hard to manage for the insured or uninsured.

If being a therapist falls through, I've enjoyed most of my janitorial jobs. I enjoy working at warehouses right now, given how they let you listen to music and the work is independent, but I've most enjoyed being a janitor in a hospital's kitchen. Maybe I can take the analysis I do here and make YouTube videos? Who knows. I don't dream of labor, but a menial 9-5 where I clock out and have a life sounds perfect. I am not what my job position says I am.

But @izzy-b-hands is right, any sugar-baby situation is preferable!

[katnip225]

So remember that au where the dream smp is a comic book in the manhunt universe. Well more of that. This is what manhunt!Dream thinks of each character. Now I will just be using the real names but in the comic the names are different. Not doing the tales of the smp characters. Might also get some backstory for Manhunt!Dream

Techno - As stated in my prev post, this is Dream's fav character. He has regularly copied ideas from him. He loves all the pets that Techno has. And how no matter what Techno always follows his beliefs. Might also remind him of his childhood rival.

Phil - finds the character very funny. The 3 months thing. Through does have some very good serious moments like Nov 16th and Doomsday. The guy is clearly not perfect but he really has a hard time hating the guy. Only time he did hate Phil was during Doomsday for letting Friend die and hurting Ghostbur.

Wilbur - easily his 2nd fav. The way his fall was done. It was so heartbreaking. Then his revival. To find out about being alone for 13 years was rough. Dream feels for the guy since being on the run is very lonely. The only people he talks to is when the hunters get close enough for banter. He really hopes that Wilbur gets the help that he needs.

Ghostbur (yes counting this as a different character) - loves the guy. so sweet and just wants to help. Through feels very sad because of the memory thing and the blue. Plus the speech that he gave on Doomsday.

Tommy - this kid can't catch a break. He feels so bad for the kid. Tommy is a good kid that overall does not mean harm. The only thing that Dream hates Tommy for is killing the cat. Dream likes animals and while can understand why Tommy did it, still found himself crying over the cat's death. Dream always wanted pets but his life before on the run was rough and now there is no way he will get one

Tubbo - another kid he feels sorry for. Dream feels bad for Tommy but for some reason Tubbo hits harder. Maybe it is because Tubbo reminds him of one of his neighbor's kid. They are pretty similar in personality from what he remembers. He was sad when the neighbors moved. The scene of Tubbo crying hurt so much. He really wanted to jump into the comic and comfort him.

Ranboo - Easily his 3rd fav. The memory book. The ender walking. The weird connection to main bad guy. The begging to be locked up in the prison. Plus love the marriage to Tubbo. Really hopes they can talk to each other. This comic needs one healthy relationship that lasts. Reminds him of this enderman hybrid that helped. Found the kid lost in the woods and badly hurt. So helped get the kid back to help then took it to the village with the nice baker lady. It was a nice village so hopefully the kid is okay.

Michael - yes doing their son. Super cute. The in comic reason for keeping Michael inside is for safety. I like to imagine there is a small mini series of Michael playing pretend or sneaking out to meet the other kids.

Fundy - neutral. Does not like him but does not hate him. Through is curious about the seeing the future thing. Wonders if this is his god's blood in work. (in the comic, Wilbur is confirmed to be a demigod. Only Phil and Techno know about it but it was confirmed)

Yogurt - cute kid. Hangs out with Michael when he sneaks out.

Puffy - a cool pirate and therapist. Kinda wish that she was his mom. He does not have any parents but he feels like Puffy would be a cool mom. She went feral when Foolish was killed.

Niki - reminds him of a baker he meet once while on the run. This was before he was well known so he could risk being seen. She gave him some free cookies and gave him a discount on the bread when she saw that he did not have much money. Super sweet and nice but also not one to be messed with. He saw how that baker handled an attempted robbery. Sad to see her wanting to hurt Tommy but was so happy that she is healing.

Jack: Feels bad for the character since he is put through so much. Even had to crawl out of hell.

Karl - love the guy. The time travel spin off series is super cool. feels bad for the losing memories things.

Quackity - flip flops between feeling bad and hating the guy. Quackity has been through a lot and Las Nevadas is cool. But he is just doing what the main villian did. Please just heal so you can be at peace. Hopefully him and fiancés will get back together

Jschlatt - great villian. hated the guy. Also reminds him of his neighbors. The father. Through was a much better person. Actually wanted to give a better life for his son (Yes in this au, DadSchlatt is a thing and he is a good father)

Purple - felt bad for the ufo being blowen up but does not feel anything towards him.

Punz - He respect the guy. Reminds him of a mercenary person that once was after him. Through stopped after realizing that the pay was not worth all the chase. Needed to be payed more

Ponk - felt bad for losing his arm but otherwise neutral for the character

Skeppy - over all neutral. Nice guy and feels bad for the possession thing.

Eret - liked the guy then hated the guy then went back to liking him. Glad the character was making up for the whole betrayal thing.

XD - does know what to make of this character. Through does not trust the god with George

Drista - a fun character that can cause a lot of chaos. Would want as a sister. Yes he might get attacked by a fork but hey he already has a younger brother.

Kristen - not much is known about her. Only that she is Wilbur's mom (in the comic, Wilbur does say his mom is a fridge but I am going on what Phil said. Which is that Wilbur got confused when Phil pointed to the fridge which had a pic of his mom)

MD - fun guy. So sad to see him die. Was really helping Tommy

Mamacita - another fun character through has not been seen since MD's death.

Sally - in the comic Sally is a shapeshifter through the writer wanted them to be a fish. Their editor refused to allow that. Not really shown much outside flash backs. I go back and forth on how good of a mom she was. So if she was good then Dream liked her. If not then he hates her.

Slimecicle - very confused. not like conflicted. Just confused.

Sam Nook - like him. Only one he trusts Tommy with. If he could becomes friends with Hunter!Sam would totally ask if he can build something like Sam Nook

Sam - really hates the dude. Does not care that the main bad guy asked Sam to build it. Sam has control so everything is Sam's doing. Plus the whole thing with Ponk. Part of him does remind dream of Hunter!Sam but that was earlier in the comic. Hunter!Sam would never hurt his partner (Yes Hunter!Sam is dating Ponk)

Ant - again the character remind him of Hunter!Ant. Through overall neutral. Does feel bad for the whole possession by the egg thing

Sapnap - hopefully gets back with Quackity. The dude really gets the short end of the stick. Also reminds him of Hunter!Sapnap. Through hopefully his relationship goes better then dsmp!Sapnap (yes Quaickity and Karl are his boyfriends)

George - reminds him of Hunter!Geroge. The weird dream comics were funny. feels bad that the character can't tell what is a dream and what is real.

Bad - again remind him of Hunter!Bad. Only reason why Dream does not hate dsmp!Bad is because he is being possessed by the egg. He did not like Foolish being killed. Also finds it sweet that the character was willing to do something for Skeppy. (yes. Bad and Skeppy have the same relationship as canon)

Dream - is a great villian. very evil. Through as stated before. Does not like the prison treatment. Does see himself in the guy but it is like all his more negative traits were turned up to 1000. Through Dream is lonely and does not make attachments, there is one he can't get rid of. Since that attachment is why he is doing all of this

Foolish - can probably tell he really likes Foolish. reminds him of his younger brother. Foolish being killed was the one time he needed to put the comic down and take a break.

that is everyone. There are a few more that I really don't watch so have no idea what Manhunt!Dream's opinion would be.

[flyingcookierambles]

sadness over a3! eng i guess

oof just on my 700th day.....

kinda sad because of the announcement about A3! ENG server shutting down soon due to financial difficulties at LIBER/CYBIRD in the past two years (covid-19 related, etc.). according to a rather in depth reddit comment that had links to LIBER's publicly available financial reports + some financial reports from LIBER's parent company, Aeria, in english, covid-19 really hit LIBER hard since they had to cancel many money making events, from pop-up shops for the typical anime merch trinkets (keychains, plushes, pins, etc.) to the huge in-person events (voice actor meetups, the stage plays of MANKAI LIVE, etc.). due to shrinking player base on the ENG server + major loss of profits on both JPN and ENG servers, LIBER had to choose one or the other and they chose the JPN one, which i totally understand since it's way bigger there and the JPN fanbase will continue to give the franchise money more often. also, another person found a financial report/estimate from the google play store or something, and A3! ENG only made ~$20K to ~$10K in the past few months, which i guess is not enough to keep a server and localization company afloat. 

i got pretty attached to the characters and it was a great game to help get by during college. and honestly, while i am very sad about this, again, i understand why LIBER did this, looking at their financial report from 2020. I would LIBER save the entire franchise rather than shut all the servers down, making us all unable to see our favorite actors ever again, even if it means that we ENG fans will have to go thru the extra steps of finding/reading fan translations, wikis, etc., to read any further stories from where A3! ENG left off. still, A3! ENG's localization was something special. i'm saying this as a TKRB JPN player who read the wiki for all the character voice lines and then had to see the official TKRB ENG localization make Yamabushi Kunihiro a rapper for some reason? lol. it was....weird.... meanwhile, all the memes and slang in A3! ENG didn't seem out of place and all fit their personalities because 3/4 of the troupes were all high school to college age and 3 of them were ~Gamers~. Out of all the gachas i've played, i feel like the only other F2P gacha game that had this incredibly smooth, all cultural jokes/puns translated in a way that still makes sense/fits the character/doesn't require a galaxy brain and some TL note to understand, is probably dragalia lost and that's only because it has frickin Nintendo localizing/publishing it globally for CyGames. Nintendo. i'll eventually read the fan translations of A3!'s Act 3 on the wiki, but it won't be the same without Kazunari's super high-energy influencer slang of "'whoa fam! that's totes 'blammable, gotta take a pic!" or Itaru's gremlin Gamer speak of "lol get rekt noobs" or Tsuzuru's tired dying breath of "that ain't it chief." the appropriate slang and relatable meme speak of the localization really helped humanize these characters as people of their respective ages, rather than just a typical formal speak or some directly translated JPN slang -> ENG that turns out super awkward that can be found in bad localizations.

going back to the reddit comment too, the death of A3! ENG servers could have bad repercussions in the future for other joseimuke games. josei, if you for some reason have been in the anime fandom but still don't know this term, is basically the genre of stories/video games/media/etc aimed at women. it's the mature adult counterpart to seinen, media aimed at adult men. basically shoujo/shonen = elementary/middle school/high school aimed while josei/seinen = high school/college/adult aimed if that helps. Joseimuke is a part of josei that is not specifically romance. while some josei/joseimuke can overlap with otome, aka female aimed dating sims/romance media, they have many things about them that make these all separate genres. one of the official A3! ENG translators and a known fan translator of another joseimuke gacha, Mahou Yaku/Wizard’s Promise, minami, goes more in depth with this in a twitter thread. 

A3! was an actor raising game, and a big part of it was found family and relationships that were platonic. yet it got advertised as an otome, which has more connotations with dating sims and brings to mind other shoujo/otome games and anime where the cast is all high schoolers and the setting is most often in a high school. but, other than some characters making flirty jokes or implied to have crushes on Izumi/player character, many character relationships with Izumi are platonic and not romantic at all. Spring Troupe in the game also jokingly calls themself a family. the entire Mankai Company is basically found family. plus, since the game actually has time passing in story and the characters age with each year, half of the characters aren’t even in high school anymore. a large majority of them are in college or are graduated by now, with only a few still in high school. i’m not surprised if a reason that some people left the game was due to feeling bored with the slice of life/not romantic story, feeling that they were lied to about it being an otome, which was falsely advertised since it is a game meant for the older teens/adults demographic of josei/joseimuke.

i’m worried that other japanese companies will look at this shut down as a “josei/joseimuke doesn’t work well in the west” and never localize other josei/joseimuke gacha games like Mahou Yaku, EnStars, Twisted Wonderland, Helios, etc.

while i like otome and shoujo, i, as a 23/soon to be 24 year old college graduate and now tax paying adult, want more stories that have more mature themes and characters that are more my age so i don’t have to feel awkward when i’m playing some dating sim and i, a literal 23 year old adult, and trying to woo a 16 year old. it’s...a little awkward to say the least. i would gladly welcome more mature media that is categorized as josei/joseimuke.

sorry if this is all over the place, but overall im just sad that A3! ENG is shutting down. i don’t know if i’ll join the JPN server yet. i’m def going to read the Act 3 story via fan translators on the wiki, but A3! gameplay was...boring lmao. as much as i love A3!, im sure that the constant event grind/burnout and boring rng gameplay turned people off too and i dont blame them. i felt the burnout bad since i participated in basically every event since day 1. it. is. rough. i’m not joining the hellish thunderdome that is the JPN server and im not ranking anymore as a F2P player lmao. literally had to play almost every waking free moment to get into the 30%-20% bracket as a F2P person and i never got to top 20%-10%, much less top 1% lmao. i’m don’t whale enough lol. 

i feel like i should probably just. crack open my genki 2 textbook and uhhh totally legal pdf copy of tobira. so i can just. get the JPN version of games in the first place so i don’t have to worry about getting shafted since overseas fans are often considered expendable. 

i wish that, when any games that are online end, gacha or mmo or anything, anything online, companies will let fans archive things. or like. release a book that is just the story text or something. like. CYBIRD is letting us still technically play the game and have the story and all, but what if they eventually later shut everything down? why not just release a pdf/ebook that’s just the text of the eng localization for some money? i’d buy it. for nostalgia and rereads and all and also archiving purposes. i think i’ll try to help with any english localization archive projects if i can so that the hilarious and incredible localization that was a work of love from the translation team doesn’t just disappear forever.

well.

that’s it for now. as i said, guess i’ll head to the app for one of the last times to read the last unread stories and mini stories i have left, then the wiki for Act 3, and then i guess i’ll crack open genki 2 and bunpo.....

some fun random links for you to think about!

random ffxi article that came to mind (if ffxiv ever shuts down in the next 20 years or whatever i’d be cool to get a statue of my character at the end)

and death of a game playlist by NerdSlayer Studios on Youtube that has me thinking a lot about game preservation and losing MMOs and games

the lost media wiki  and blameitonjorge’s lost media iceberg

other gacha games i’ve played that have shut down that i think about sometimes because the loss of A3! ENG isn’t my first rodeo:

terra battle & terra battle 2 (1)

AFTERL!FE

(related kitsu post link for archive reasons)

[forevfangirlwrites]

I love your how to handle fame series and I totally get if you’re six of writing for this AU but if you aren’t I’d love one with them making the relationship official like Annabeth telling Percy he can post a picture of them for the first time or her telling him she wants to make it official and post on social media and Percy just being happy to tell the world that she’s his and vice versa

CONTINUATION OF: PART 9

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 , Part 7,  Part 8

If Percy ever decides to pick up the memoir business again, the entire thing could be about the past two days, which have downright been the weirdest, most surreal days of his whole life.

On second thought, maybe he wouldn’t be able to write it because he’s spent all weekend trying to compartmentalize it and it still feels like a blur.

Like one really long day.

And you’d think, given the magnitude of the events that had occurred, he’d remember it better.

CHB had been the first to report the news, courtesy of that lady shoving a mic in his face, but the interview had really sealed the deal. Zoe Nightshade is acclaimed for reporting facts not fiction in the celeb news world, so going on her show to talk about it had been the best way to get the right version of the story out there.

All he remembers about the set are the hot lights, the white couch (that he was immediately worried about ruining) and Annabeth by his side, holding his hand.

Overall, it had been good. The entire thing had been premeditated by Annabeth, who had started off the interview explaining how they wanted to go public on their own terms instead of someone else leaking it, but that they still wished to keep their personal lives private.

Percy had also kept to his premeditated script, saying he’s a barista from New York, and shifting the dialogue (as Annabeth called it) to their meeting.

After the interview Annabeth had given him a big hug and told him it was a success.

But then…..oh then, came The Notifications™.

As if he didn’t already spend too much time on his phone, he’s been glued to it all weekend.

“It’s going to be rough,” Annabeth had said with the same worried face that she had when the talk about going public had come up a month ago.

And Percy knows, right, he’s been in the service industry and knows how people can be jerks. He knows there’s going to be backlash.

Maybe that’s why Annabeth had rented a beach house far down the coast and been by his side constantly the past two days.

He glances over at her, leaning back on her comfy wicker chair with her feet propped, reading a book. As if she can tell he’s looking at her, she puts down her book and turns to face him.

“What’s up?’

Her long legs look golden in the sunlight filtering through the light curtains and she’s practically glowing with the beach air wafting through the open window.

Long story short, she looks beautiful.

Focusing his brain from the detour it took to admire her, he shakes his head.

“Nothing…just wondering how I got here.”

She picks up her cup of tea from the table beside her. “What do you mean?”

Leaning back against the headboard of the bed, he stares at the high planked ceiling.

“I don’t know…just everything. I mean for one, I’ve never seen so many pictures of myself…even my mom’s albums would have a tough time competing…actually, they might still win now that I think about it.”

Annabeth chuckles at that. And while it’s true his mom has an absurd amount of pictures, him and Annabeth have been plastered a fair amount on various articles and social media. He’d kept his Instagram private, but his Twitter hadn’t stopped blowing up.

“And I’ve never had this many people talk or…speculate about me.” He drops his gaze from the ceiling to once again land on her. “Like, it’s the most hate I’ve ever gotten…”

The inevitable comments on him being a gold digger, though expected, had been hard to see. It stung a little to think people thought he was anything other than hopelessly in love with his girlfriend.

But no one had been more pissed than Annabeth and it had taken kisses from him to distract her.

He sees the same anger and worry start to flare up now, her eyebrows already creasing together, and rushes to complete his thought.

“But it’s also the most support I’d gotten.”

Luckily, an overwhelming majority of Annabeth’s fans had been super supportive of them. One picture in particular, one of them standing at the red carpet staring into each other’s eyes, had gone viral and “Percabeth” (as people were dubbing them) had been number one on trending for a whole day.

So many people not only calling them cute, but also describing him as hot. Percy had almost laughed out loud when he’d first read comments gushing about how attractive he was. (Take that, Nancy Bobofit, who called him ugly in middle school.)

“It’s just really crazy I guess, I never expected this from my life.”

He really should write a memoir. Other people need to know how almost comically absurd his life is now. (It would start with riding the subway to school every day.)

Annabeth sits up in her chair, still wearing the frown from earlier.

“Do you regret it?”

She asks calmly enough, but he can see the worry behind her eyes and the fear creep into her tone. He slides off the bed and walks to her, sitting on the footstool she’d been propping her feet on a second ago.

“Not at all.”

Reaching for her hand, he raises it to her lips, keeping eye contact. She needs to know that he’d take it all if it means he gets to be with her.

The day after the interview, Annabeth had told him to pick out a picture of them to post on her Instagram. And though it had immediately become her most liked picture, it wasn’t just fan service. The smile on her face when she posted it had made Percy’s heart melt even more.

Because the truth is, despite everything, it feels so good to call her his in front of the whole world.

Annabeth smiles, pulling their intertwined hands close to her and resting her cheek against them.

“Good.”

His phone vibrates and he can’t help but look over. Annabeth smiles, amusedly. “Who is it?”

He reaches for the device, unlocking it with a swipe. “My mom.”

“What’s she saying?”

He smiles as he reads the text. “That her friends are blowing up about this.”

Annabeth chuckles. “Don’t worry, it’ll blow over soon.”

Almost automatically, he opens up Twitter. It’s become a bad habit over the past two days.  “Well, we have been trending for a while…”

His sentence veers off as he checks the trending tab. Number one this morning had been a kpop star whose birthday was today and “Percabeth” had been second.

But now number one was…Jogan Paul, who had apparently been caught in some money laundering scheme and become the center of all public outrage. Number two was still the kpop star and number three was #ultranatural.

“Percabeth” was nowhere to be found.

“You’re right…we’re not trending anymore, some other guy, Jogan did a—”

“Money laundering scheme?” Annabeth finishes and he looks up from his phone to see her smile over her tea.

“Yeah…everyone’s talking about him….and then it’s a k—”

“Kpop idol? Yeah, it’s P-Dawn’s birthday,” Annabeth finishes again.

Percy stares at her.

Annabeth, after posting the Instagram photo, hadn’t checked her phone almost all weekend, letting him look at everything going on.

So how could she know all this? He’s pretty sure she hasn’t checked her phone in hours, instead working her way though her book.

“Yeah…” he continues, still confused. “So we’re not trending anymore. This Jogan guy really messed stuff up…”

Annabeth shrugs, still smiling. “That’s how it goes, people move on from things quickly.”

He nods. He knows this. And personally he’s glad that they’re not the main topic of conversation now. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He puts down his phone with a smile.

“Yeah, it’s fortunate that this guy messed up, really took the eyes off of us.”

Of course, not all the eyes. Annabeth’s fans will still talk about it, but now the media has something juicer to report on.

“Yeah, fortunate,” Annabeth repeats, lifting her cup again to take a sip, but she can’t hide her smile.

Something about this feels…

“Did you know about this?”

Annabeth just takes a sip of her tea.

Peering over the cup, she replies sweetly, “Did you know the season finale of Ultranatural is on tonight?”

And that’s all the answer he needs.

(So he naturally responds by picking her up and tossing her in bed, letting her laughs bounce off the high ceilings as he wraps her in a hug, thinking that there needs to be a whole chapter in his memoir about just how smart his girlfriend is.)

A/N: As I said in the beginning, this is the continuation to the last chapter in the how to handle fame series. Thank you for sending in the prompt! It’s been a popular one and I had a whole storyline for it (though I did include the insta pic :)

When I came up with this plotline I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head that Annabeth would totally mastermind the entire thing and make sure that their relationship didn’t get too much heat.

Plus, let’s be real, news moves fast, and their relationship, while a big thing, isn’t the only thing going on the world for people to talk about. And stories that spark outrage blow up more than two people dating, so I tried to keep this as realistic as I could.

Part of the reason it’s taken so long for this is because I truly wasn’t sure the best way to tackle this whole thing while still staying true to reality as best I could. So when I thought of the Annabeth planning out this whole thing I thought it was fun and cute and went for it. I mean this entire series has taken off in a way I had truly never imagined.

A lot of people had requested the whole going public thing and how it would play out, so I really hope you guys liked this! (And thank you anon for sending in the prompt I used to post this :)

(Also a lot of references to things that have happened semi-recently so lmk if you’ve figured them out, not that they’re that hard lol)

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 5x03-- And the court had a clerk...

Hello again! It’s nice to have this show back. This episode was a bit less of a standout than the previous two, but I’m still happy with the overall direction for this season. More under the cut (or here, because tumblr sucks). 

When Robert King tweeted the episode title, I asked him if all the titles this season were adding up to one long sentence/story, hoping he’d confirm it and give a little more information. He did! He said it’s “in the Farmer in the Dell mode” and while I think I get what he’s saying, I’m very curious to see how it plays out. Haven’t been able to track down 5x04′s title yet, but the promo is out. (As of this morning! It’s interesting they’re not putting them after the episode this year; I kind of like it.) 

Kurt’s job is up in the air given the new administration. I think this scene exists mostly just to remind us where Kurt works and the stakes.

What month is this supposed to be in? The transition seems recent but no one is wearing masks.  

Kurt spots a poster asking for help ID’ing people at the Capitol on January 6th. He thinks he recognizes someone...

And now we’re in case of the week land. This case is about a small business owner whose business went under after someone created fake news articles accusing him of pedophilia.  

I think the whole point of this (kind of long) scene is to show that this case is a pretty small deal. Low stakes, inexperienced opposing lawyer. (Not even sure why Liz would be arguing this in court, but whatever.)

Tbh I thought this was going to wind up in 9 ¾ court.

Now that we have junior level characters, we get scenes showing that there are, in fact, people at RBL who are mid-level. Liz asks an associate to work on something, he asks another associate to work on it, she delegates to other associates, and they delegate to Marissa and Carmen. This work seems terrible.  

It’s so funny to me how this is probably more realistic than most of the lawyering on the show and yet it only shows up selectively. We only see the hierarchy here to make it clear that Marissa and Carmen are at the bottom.  

David Lee interrupts and asks for Carmen. He’s very rude to her. Interestingly, she’s hesitant to leave her grunt work and follow David, even though she must know he outranks the associate who gave her the grunt work.

“Why am I supposed to know you?” David asks her as they walk through the halls. “I don’t know if you are,” Carmen responds. “Why does Benjamin Dafoe know you?” he asks. She doesn’t know who he is.  

“Who are you?” Dafoe asks when Carmen enters. She states her name, again. “Why are you important?” he asks. “I don’t think that I am,” Carmen responds.  

Then Dafoe says his top client, and it’s a name that the characters all know. I’m glad this scene is free of any “he’s the white OJ” expository lines (that’s from Sweeney’s introduction) -- it’s clear from the reactions and the discussion of police and rape that the top client is a bad guy, probably a rapist. The rapist wants Carmen to represent him.

Putting 2 and 2 together, Carmen asks if the rapist knows Rivi. He’s not, but he’s at the same prison. As soon as Carmen says she’s representing Rivi, David Lee switches gears, understanding the situation and trying to sign the new business. He’s so shameless!  

Marissa sorts ALL the papers. There are a LOT of papers. I’m swamped. Look at all this paper.

She catches the associate who assigned her the task leaving for the night just as she finishes up, and cheerfully notes she’s finished the task. Then the associate mentions this was only half of the bills. Marissa does not like that. Since her goal in wanting to be a lawyer is mostly just to give her something exciting to do and earn respect... this hierarchy thing is not going so well.

Marissa decides that after her rough day, she’s going to stop by Wackner’s court. He’s in the middle of a case about Emily in Paris fanfiction and he’s very happy to see Marissa.  

Wackner’s night court has a program—it notes the sponsor is Copy Co-op (I thought it was Copy Coop?) and the paper products were also provided by them. And “there will be regular intermissions at the discretion of Judge Wackner.” It’s very theatrical.  

Wackner takes a recess and calls Marissa to his “chambers.” He asks for her thoughts on the case. “All they want is attention and to feel like they’ve won,” Marissa notes. Wackner’s on the same wave length and compares it to the Scarecrow’s diploma at the end of The Wizard of Oz. So, he makes copyright certificates and some minor modifications to each of the fanfic books. They say “I respect you and I love you” and that’s that.

Wackner catches Marissa before she leaves and asks her to be his law clerk—part time or full time, 10% of all the legal filings and unlimited use of copy machines. She is hesitant because she “doesn’t even know what this is.”

Wackner says his court is “the future.” Marissa turns him down; notes she wants to pass the bar. “You know why all these people are here? ‘Cause the courts and the lawyers and the appeals have made justice... unattainable. Out of reach. To anyone who doesn’t have a shitload of money to wait it out. That’s why Exxon beats out Mr. Nobody. Read Kafka’s Before the Law.”  

I just read it, and you should too! It literally is a page, but tl;dr, there’s a man who wants to get to the law and instead he spends his whole life trying to win over the first of many gatekeepers on the path to the law. He never gets through the gate.  

“Justice is only just if it’s available to everyone,” Wackner says. Marissa thinks about that.

As I said last week, it’s smart that Wackner makes so much sense. Hearing him say all this, knowing that it’s true... it makes it very easy to get on board with the thought experiment. Of course there would be huge repercussions to this kind of system, but it makes so much sense it’s compelling TV!

Kurt’s showering when Diane gets home, which gives her time to stumble across the WANTED poster and notice that Kurt has drawn facial hair onto one of the pictures. “Who is this?” she asks him. “No one,” he says. “Well, you drew in a beard and a moustache on him,” Diane notes. Kurt says he was doodling, but Diane calls him out as he is the “exact opposite of a doodler.” Kurt says he thought it was someone he knew, but he’s not sure. Diane pushes him to tell the feds. Kurt reiterates he’s not sure, but it’s someone he went shooting with. “Oh my God, then it’s him,” Diane jumps to (not incorrect) conclusions. Kurt says he didn’t talk that way; he’s a veteran. “Kurt! That’s the profile!” Diane argues. Kurt isn’t convinced and he doesn’t want to be responsible for naming names. He notes he’ll be threatened with indictment for not naming names and then only lawyers will end up benefitting. Diane is not convinced.

I think this is an interesting conflict for Kurt and Diane. I understand why Kurt is hesitant to speak out before he’s sure. And I understand and agree with Diane that it’s important to identify the attackers and prevent anything like that from happening again.

I don’t mean to blame Kurt, exactly, but I feel like all of what happens next could’ve played out differently if Kurt had been just a little clearer with Diane about why he was hesitant to ID the man. Like, the threat of indictment for not naming names sounds like some typical anti-government rambling. Saying you specifically are afraid that this will turn back on you and you need to weigh your options and come up with a plan first would put Diane in a very different mode, in which they’d work together to craft the best strategy. Because this man would’ve been ID’d by someone, sooner or later, and Kurt would’ve needed to be prepared.  

Diane stares at the wanted poster at work and asks Jay to find his identity. He’s on the FBI TEN MOST WANTED? Ten!? Ok!  

Diane shares the extra information she has—the gun range and that he’s a veteran—and Jay gets to work.  

Turns out there’s no money in the case that Liz, a name partner, is working on and Marissa just spent all those hours sorting bills for. I could’ve told you there was no money in that case lol.  

Jay IDs the guy very fast. He’s faster than the feds because they didn’t know where he shot. The range had his license on file, and Jay got ahold of it.

“Well, we don’t pay you enough,” Diane says. “Oh, I know that,” Jay laughs.  

Diane says she’s going to think about calling the feds—it's definitely the same guy.

Marissa notes someone high profile (David Cord, who I presume is a thinly veiled stand-in for David Koch given the name, his role in the plot, and the fact that he is “David Cord of the Cord Brothers”) in the lobby giving a fake name and goes to tell Liz.  

David Cord is performing magic tricks for the receptionists (they don’t recognize him) when Liz and Marissa show up. “I knew your father. I hated your father,” Cord says. “Yes, well, he hated you too,” Liz says. He says he gave a fake name to see what the reception would be like since he’s kinda infamous.  

Liz introduces Marissa as one of the law clinic lawyers. Marissa knows what to say in this situation. Specifically, she knows that it is the exact right moment to name drop her father.  

“Democrats as far as the eye can see,” Cord notes. At that, Liz asks Marissa to get Julius involved.

More good expository work! (No, editor feature of Word, I do NOT want that to say “Better expository work,” that would change my meaning, go away and please stop grading my recap??? I don’t know how I brought this up but it’s telling me my score is 72%, so a C, and it’s driving me crazy. Oh, now I’m a 71%. It had me at like, 50%, because I had written “Wackner” and “Wackner” is not a word. No shit.)  

Anyway, back to the exposition. I like that we don’t get a line like, “Liz! David Cord, the Republican super donor, is here!” We just get to see Liz’s reaction, Cord’s hate of Liz’s father, and the line about democrats. Then it becomes clearer who Cord is.

Just noticed Liz is wearing an Apple Watch.

Liz stands for her meeting with Cord, likely to maintain power. Cord says January 6th changed everything to him and now he’s all about unity and loving America.  

Cord has something to say about Liz’s case, the one that’s not making any money, and he seems to know quite a lot about it. That spooks Liz.  

Then Cord offers her $12 million to continue the case for another six months (all of these months, seemingly, will play out in the couple of days the rest of this episode takes, but, whatever). He just wants them to go after the social media company that distributed the fake news... and Section 230.

Don’t know what that is? Now you do, because there is a Good Fight short! These work so much better when they’re actually needed (explaining concepts, etc.) than when they’re trying to force one into every episode (remember that Downton Abbey one? What... was that?)  

I was talking to @mimeparadox about this short and he pointed out that this short has a VERY clear POV on an issue that actually doesn’t seem to be all that straightforward. If you’re like me and only had a vague sense of what Section 230 was prior to this episode, this short is telling you what to think of it—it isn’t just explaining what it is.

I do tend to agree with the show’s POV on most things, but this is an issue I’d like to read more on. I love how Section 230 was something I hadn’t really read up on prior to this episode and now that it’s been on TGF I realize it’s something that actually, yes, I would’ve been interested in knowing about earlier. Is this because things that are on TGF are interesting to me because they’re on TGF or is it because TGF generally only discusses things that would be interesting to me? Probs a little bit of both.  

Diane asks Jay how to make an anonymous phone call and he hands her a burner phone. She calls the FBI with the rioter’s name. She doesn’t leave her name and then she dumps the phone.  

Credits! Did you catch there’s a Jordan Boatman in the credits? She plays one of the associates who passes down the grunt work to Marissa, and she’s Michael Boatman’s daughter in real life! She’s also been in one other episode, in season 3.  

I never get tired of these credits!  

The RL partners (and some associates who are on the case? I think these are the same ones who delegated the work to Marissa?) debate whether or not they should take Cord’s money. Madeline notes that he’s funded a lot of Republican campaigns; Julius notes that both Republicans and Democrats agree that Section 230 is flawed and this is an opportunity for unity.

Diane notes that the right doesn’t want to stop conspiracy theories from spreading, so is this really that bipartisan? “It would help if the boomers would stop falling for those conspiracy theories and sharing it with their friends,” an associate (I believe this is Michael Boatman’s daughter again) notes. That quiets the room and the partners all glare at her. Yeah, that was a kind of stupid thing to say. First of all, it’s just not appropriate to say to the partners, and it’s also, like, missing the point? If it’s easy for conspiracy theories to spread among boomers, maybe just expecting each member of that generation to suddenly have a millennial’s understanding of the internet is the wrong strategy? Maybe there’s some structural issue here? That maybe, just maybe, this case is actually about?  

The associate also points out that the internet is currently a place where people can speak out about sexual harassment-- “they repeal section 230, and there would be no #MeToo.”

One of the partners says he doesn’t believe that—if they regulate section 230, then newspapers can actually be competitive and there’s still free speech online.  

“We’re not going back to reading newspapers, grandpa,” some associate says. What the actual fuck, dude? Who talks like that to their boss?! It’s so condescending. He’s also wrong! “Newspapers” are not just physical things... reporting by major publications still matters and will continue to matter. Like, is he suggesting that in the future all news will just be random people tweeting things they think are true with no fact checking or curation? Sure, journalism is struggling right now—but I don’t think that’s because there’s a lack of desire for well-reported news.  

I am glad the partners call him out on saying “grandpa” and honestly I’m shocked he isn’t asked to leave the discussion after that rude remark. Unless this young looking dude is a partner too? But I don’t think he is.  

Julius notes that if they’re going to pursue this case, they need money like Cord’s. At that, Liz starts to leave the meeting. “We haven’t decided if we’re taking this Cord money yet,” Madeline protests. “Of course we are,” Liz says and leaves.  

Now that’s more like it! I’m not sure if this is necessarily the best way to handle this, but she’s a) correct, they were always going to take the money because it is $12 million and an issue of interest and b) using her authority. Should Liz be making decisions totally on her own? Maybe not. Does Liz making this decision and then leaving (with everyone accepting that she’s correct) cut through a lot of bullshit and establish Liz as the one in charge? Yup.

Diane says, “Ooh-kay” with a little bit of an eyeroll after Liz exits, but she’s still laying low. I think in a different season Diane might’ve tried to push back.  

Is it me or does Baranski get a lot of material this episode we haven’t seen before? Lots of really good reaction shots/tones in this episode I don’t really think we’ve seen from Diane before. I’m impressed there’s still new stuff after 12 years.

At some point maybe I will actually write the essay I’ve been wanting to write for ages about how TGF is still so relevant despite being in a universe that should be showing its age by now. I wish I could find the first time that I called TGW a period piece set in the present day (I know it would’ve been during season five) because I think that’s the key to TGW/TGF’s enduring success. The shows always feel timely because they try to capture the present moment (which is, of course, always changing) and don’t get stuck in any one moment in time. Further, the fact that the writers are always so tuned in to events and skilled at quickly reacting to what happens in the world makes them VERY good in a pinch, which is (I think) why they’re able to make the most of unexpected situations (Josh leaving TGW, the pandemic).  

Liz and Julius bring a suit against ChumHum to attack 230. Judge Friend is initially skeptical of their argument that 230 is unconstitutional; then she’s intrigued. I am too. This argument about the press is a very interesting one. I obviously have a lot of reading to do on 230, but my take after this episode is pretty much that social media platforms have to be held responsible in some way, but I don’t think it’s feasible or desirable for them to be responsible for every single one of billions of posts. I think there has to be some way to regulate social media giants that would allow everyday people to share things and speak out but would prevent the curated (even by an algorithm) spread of fake news and make social media giants accountable when there are very public bad actors using their platforms. What that regulation would be I have no idea. I just refuse to believe that our options are to give the social media sites full immunity or to regulate the internet so strongly that no one is able to speak freely because all the platforms are worried about lawsuits.  

Over at the VA, people are being fired. When Kurt gets into his office, Madeline Starkey (wait, are there two characters named Madeline in this episode?) is waiting for him. She’s still very quirky and scary.  

Starkey says the guy that Diane reported is now saying Kurt trained him on using assault rifles and buying ammunition in bulk. Kurt notes these were topics covered in a group setting, which Starkey knew—and what she’s really after is the names of the others in the group. (She may already know them, since she knows there were five of them.)

Kurt refuses to name names and just stares at her.  

Case stuff happens! (I liked the last two episodes a lot but it’s much faster for me to just write, “case stuff happens” for some of the scenes.)

Hey, surprise Aaron Tveit! (Not really a surprise; he is in the credits. But still yay!)  

I don’t really know why Liz and Julius are talking about newspapers specifically and not all types of fact-based journalism/press? I feel like their argument is most convincing when it’s about actual newspapers (especially local ones) but still would apply to cable news...

Marissa’s still hard at work sorting papers when the associate comes back in and informs her she can stop; they’ve changed strategies and everything she’s done is now irrelevant. She also says “I forgot to tell you” at the start of that thought, meaning that she neglected to tell Marissa this important information earlier and wasted her time. Marissa is not pleased and so she goes to Wackner’s court, where Wackner now has a deli ticket machine and is wearing super-sized novelty sunglasses. Why not!

He sees Marissa and calls a five-minute recess. In “chambers,” Marissa tells him she’d like to work for him part-time but keep her RL job.  

Wackner needs her help processing more copyright certificates. He’s priced them competitively at $20 and found that a lot of writers want these certificates, even though they have no legal value. (Neither do actual copyrights, Wackner notes. And he notes that if anyone plagiarizes, they can sue in HIS court.)  

“Marissa, I’m building something here. I want you to join me. I want your advice on cases. I want to bounce legal theories off you,” he says. “What are your legal theories?” she asks. “I don’t know. That’s why I need to bounce them,” he says.  

Marissa gives him from noon to 2 and 5-7, which seems awfully ambitious for someone working at a law firm!

“That’s how revolutions are made. Back rooms of copy shops,” he says, accepting her offer.  

Kurt is sulking in the dark when Diane arrives home. He lets her know about Starkey’s visit and she immediately goes into lawyer mode. Notably, this scene does not spend much time on how Starkey found out the rioter’s name. Curious if they’re saving that for later or if Diane and Kurt both know what Diane must have done or if Kurt think’s it’s a coincidence.  

Kurt SET UP A TOUR OF THE CAPITOL for one of the veterans in his shooting group, and that tour was ON JANUARY 6TH! I really do wish he’d told Diane that upfront.  

Maybe the long pause where Kurt refuses to tell Diane which congressperson arranged the tour even after she promises she won’t say is him letting on that he knows that Diane ID’d the guy? Or maybe it’s just Kurt.  

I do not like the dead birds in Starkey’s office, mostly because I do not like thinking about dead birds.

Starkey compares Diane and Kurt to the Conways.  

And now more case stuff happens.  

Julius gets to question a witness for the first time in two years! He’s a little shaky at first but then he does a fantastic job! Yay Julius!

When Diane arrives at the office, reception is filled with around a hundred teddy bears. “What?” she asks. “Build-a-Bears. They were sent to Marissa,” the receptionist explains. “Okay... why?” Diane asks the logical next question. The receptionist does not know.  

“This one’s a Marissa bear,” she says, showing Diane a bear wearing boots and a wig. It does not look much like Marissa and it says “Hug me.”

Diane looks confused and furious at the same time. Her look here is, like, a milder version of the death stare she gives Alicia in Outside the Bubble when she learns about Alicia and Cary’s plan to leave.  

“Why don’t we, meaning you, take all these stuffed animals and put them in the conference room,” Diane instructs the receptionist. She is NOT! HAPPY! The receptionist seemed to be having fun with the bears, but clearly the right answer was to have done something with them and... not to have put them over every surface in reception. Eeek.  

Carmen’s new client, the rapist, arrives at the firm before anyone can hide the bears. “This may not be the firm for you,” his advisor/lawyer (I’m not totally sure what this dude’s job is) warns.  

Madeline notices the rapist and glares at the receptionist. “I know. I’m putting them in the conference room,” the receptionist says, thinking Madeline is upset about the bears. She is not upset about the bears.

Diane finds Marissa, who’s working with Carmen again. She asks Carmen to give them a moment.

“Why are there hundreds of teddy bears in our reception?” Diane asks. Marissa is confused. Diane shows her the Marissa bear. Marissa looks horrified and amused. “That doesn’t even look like me,” Marissa notes, completely missing how pissed off Diane is. I don’t think we have seen Diane be this direct/no-nonsense in ages.  

“That would seem to be beside the point. What is going on, Marissa?” Diane demands. Marissa suspects this is based on some advice she offered to a client who was buying a Build-a-Bear franchise and thinks this is a thank you gift. “What client? You’re not a lawyer! Why do you have clients?” Diane says exasperatedly.  

Marissa gives her a look, and Diane immediately understands that she’s been back to Wackner’s court. “Oh my God, this is about that Copy Coop court?”

“Marissa, no. By participating in that simulacrum of a courtroom, you exposed this firm to malpractice, sanctions, and God knows what,” Diane says. If that were really true, she wouldn’t have sat there and argued. I mean, I don’t know the legality of this all, but I feel like it’s a bigger optics issue than legal issue if Diane and other lawyers are willing to even consider participating?  

“If you wish to continue your employment at this firm, you will never do anything like that again. Do you understand?” Diane says. She will not hear any arguments.  

I love that Marissa is the thing that keeps Wackner coming back. It’s a good plot for her, but structurally, it also allows the show to keep Wackner around without many contrivances. Wackner sees that Marissa would understand what he’s up to, she sees that he shares some of her frustrations with the law, and they both want to work together again. It’s not like suddenly everyone’s talking about Wackner’s court and all the cases somehow end up there or anything.

The receptionist, who is having a truly terrible day, comes into announce that Kurt and Starkey have arrived. “Don’t put them in the conference room!” Diane commands, knowing that the teddy bears will be there. It’s too late, though, because the receptionist (who previously seemed to be fine at her job if bad at recognizing public figures and understanding that partners might not find teddy bears amusing) has already put them in the conference room. I feel bad for her, and don’t think the other things were her fault, but I feel like she could’ve seen this one coming...  

I find the teddy bears HILARIOUS, mostly because the reactions to them are so funny. It’s kind of the same gag as the balloons for Lucca in season two, but I don’t really care, because I’m getting to see Diane Lockhart treat hundreds of Build-a-Bears like they are a real work problem.

Starkey jokes about the bears; Kurt is silent.  

The rioter from the poster is now accusing Kurt of coming up with the STRATEGY for January 6th, which Kurt and Diane both dismiss as bullshit.  

I could do without Starkey’s musical cues.

I can’t tell if Kurt is in trouble here or if she’s just pressing him to name names. Why wouldn’t she just have rioter guy name names if he’s so eager to blame Kurt? I guess maybe if the others were actually there, he might be less likely to name the names of his actual co-conspirators? Or, Starkey might already know the names (surely the shooting range has logs) and be using this to raise the stakes.  

No one (except maybe the partner named Daniel) is happy about the rapist in reception. “Since when are we representing people like Wolfe-Coleman?” Julius asks. Didn’t these people help both Sweeney (though I think Sweeney was in some weird police brutality case and they didn’t actually want to represent him) and Bishop? And Rivi? But they draw the line here? Sure.  

Ah, there we go, an expository line-- “he’s the next Jeffrey Epstein”. Almost made it the whole episode without one of these. I’ll forgive it since it’s so late in the episode lol.  

“Did you approve this, Liz?!” Madeline demands. Liz did not. Daniel wonders if that means Diane approved it. Liz doesn’t think so and calls Diane (who happens to be walking past) in.  

“I know, the teddy bears. I’m working on it,” Diane says when she opens the door. I think the teddy bears are a bigger issue to Diane than to anyone else.  

Diane didn’t approve representing Mr. Rapey either. She’s uncomfortable that a meeting was happening without her; Madeline notes that she is standing there specifically because they wanted to involve her.  

David Lee pops up out of nowhere with the answer: one of the new associates (not Marissa, “the real one”) pulled in Mr. Rapey. Are there only two associates now even though orientation was for a big group?  

Firth is gone, btw. David Lee is the new Mr. Firth. I have no idea why David would want to be STR Laurie’s guy for managing RL but... sure, whatever? David Lee is an effective antagonist, especially in small doses, and this allows the writers to keep him around and continue the STR Laurie plot without a key guest star. If STR Laurie is still a thing, and it seems like it is going to be a thing for a while, then having David Lee take on this role makes sense for plot. Otherwise they’re going to have to shoehorn him in to every plot somehow. At least now he has a reason to be around.  

Liz and Diane take a walk to chat. Diane is worried about having David as their boss. Liz says she has a worse worry—David Lee knew exactly when to come downstairs with information, suggesting he know what they were talking about. “Would he do something like that?” Liz asks when Diane wonders if there’s a bug. “Oh, yeah,” Diane replies. Hah, yeah. He absolutely would.  

They decide to have Jay search for bugs and Liz is frustrated with how much time they have to spend on things other than lawyering. Yup.

“What is going on with all the teddy bears in the conference room?” Liz asks as they head back to the office. “It’s a long story,” Diane sighs. I also love that the teddy bears link the various pieces of the episode together—it feels like all of these threads are happening simultaneously because of that constant.  

I don’t get RL’s approach to clients. Bishop and Rivi are ok, Wolfe-Colman is not (except that actually he is fine). Cord is okay too. Do they draw the line anywhere? I know Liz was right when she said that OF COURSE they were taking the money, but is there really nothing that differentiates that situation from this one? I feel like there should be.

Marissa goes back to see Wackner. Since someone refuses to say “I respect and I love you,” Wackner reverses his ruling. This is part of the “Bad Loser Law of last Wednesday,” so the rules of Wackner’s court are clearly a work in progress.

Marissa explains she can’t be the law clerk because of Diane. She tries to connect him with a real lawyer, still not understanding exactly what Wackner’s after. “You know just enough not to crush what I’m doing here,” Wackner explains. “A real lawyer will look for reasons why not. I need someone to look for reasons why.”  

Case stuff happens. I cannot read Cord’s handwriting. Liz and Julius lose the case because Judge Friend says what’s happening isn’t fair, but it is constitutional. (So here we have, at least in the show’s POV, a good and attentive judge who can’t make decisions that make sense because she’s bound by a document written before anyone had ever dreamed of the internet.)  

Cord is waiting for Liz in her office. He’s prepared to bankroll an appeal. Did they blow thorough that $12 million already? Impressive; it’s been like a day.  

Cord says they are definitely the firm he wants. Interesting.

Now Liz wants a meeting with Carmen, so it’s Marissa who leaves the room. This scene seems like it was meant to be a different day?  

Liz wants to talk about Mr. Rapey. Carmen is, yet again, chill about the case. “Carmen, is there anyone that you would not represent?” Liz asks. Funny, Liz, I could ask you the same. Being hesitant about it is not changing the fact that you’re representing bad people. Carmen’s just cutting the bullshit.  

“I don’t understand. Is there someone you don’t want me to represent?” I love how Carmen’s incredibly polite responses always seem very pointed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Carmen’s reply, and yet it puts Liz in a place where she can’t dance around what she’s trying to say.  

“I’m just trying to get a sense of who you are,” Liz explains.  

Then Liz decides she’s going to help on the Craig Wolfe-Colman (Mr. Rapey) case, and they will keep talking about her career path. Liz, this does not seem like the right solution! You're worried about your associate representing bad people so you’re like, I know, what if I ALSO represented bad people? If your goal is to convince Carmen not to take clients like this, you’re kinda shooting yourself in the foot!  

“Are you worried about me?” Carmen says, again turning things on Liz. “I don’t know what I am about you,” Liz replies. Me either. Well, I know I'm intrigued, but beyond that, no clue!

All the bears have ended up in Diane’s office, where Wackner is waiting. He jokes about how his court is always seen as informal, yet this real fancy law office is covered in Build-a-Bears. Then he says he wants to hire RL—he's willing to pay. He wants consultation from Marissa (“consultation on legal issues”) and he’s prepared to spend a lot. And, if there’s one thing we know, it’s that they’re always going to take the money. So, they do.

I love that Wackner’s goal is to “perfect my little clubhouse of the law.” It’s a fun plot, and it also allows for the rules in his court to change (I’m sure we’re going to be treated to/subjected to a lot of whimsical gags around changing and ridiculous rules). It's also a good way to work through the thought experiment over the course of the season. It’s not like Wackner already has a system set up and it’s perfect—I'm sure we’re going to see his system run into issues and explore that more, too.  

Wackner monologues a bit here about why he’s running fake court, and he lets us know he’s going to monologue. Basically he thinks people no longer want to help people and are only motivated by their own self interest. He notes that no one talks about the Peace Corps anymore and asks the last time Diane heard anyone say those words. I’m sure I’ve heard a reference more recently but my mind went RIGHT to season one Cary Agos saying “Peace Corps. Belize,” as some kind of smarmy pickup line. This is likely not where my mind was supposed to go.

Wackner wants “A new Peace Corps. For America.” Diane’s sympathetic to that and agrees to take him on as a client.  

Wackner asks if he can take a bear. Diane instructs him to take two.  

Aaaand Wackner and Cord end up on the elevator together. Wackner hands Cord a bear, the elevator doors close, and the episode ends. Since last episode ended with Marissa and Carmen in the elevator together, I’m hoping this will be how every episode this season ends. I think using the Kings’ favorite liminal space to transition between episodes is kind of fun, and it fits with the ellipses at the end of every episode title.  

Speaking of... did you see today’s elevator-themed episode of Evil? It was written by the Kings. Those two have been obsessed with elevators for at least a decade.  

[megumis-lashes]

Love, but make it Magic!

Werewolf! Hwang Hyunjin x Reader

*Contains*: mentions of blood/fighting, slight angst (if you squint), bullying, fighting, slight swearing, Enemies to lovers if you squint, school based on western standards, werewolf Hyunjin, witch/vampire reader

Nothing too bad overall. Mainly fluff. I sometimes use italics for emphasis. I use typical quotes for speech :)

Narrators POV

In today’s society, supernatural beings like vampires and werewolves are believed to be mythical creatures. Few people believe in their existence and have many false stereotypes surrounding these creatures’ existence. In reality they do exist. Supernaturals or whatever you like to call them, live a life hidden from society. They play the role of innocent humans in a world where they aren’t accepted. In certain areas, schools and housing are built to house strictly supernatural creatures. Despite their separation from the world, they still have many disputes between each other.

Name’s POV

My life has never been easy. From a young age I’ve been pressured to fit into a society that I was not designed for. I’m half witch, half vampire, a deadly combination in today’s world. Not only am I hated by humans but I’m also hated by other supernaturals due to some dumb disputes among species. I lived among humans for the the first portion of my life. I was constantly in fear for what might happen to me if I was discovered. I had to live and act exactly as a human, which was never an easy task. Thankfully, for college I was able to go somewhere I better fit in, an all supernatural college, NX University. My parents were opposed to me going due to their meek status against humans, but I needed a change in lifestyle. Thankfully I managed to get multiple scholarships to the school.

I had been living on campus for a few months. Everything was going smoothly. My stress and anxiety of blending in was long forgotten and I was able to express myself through my supernatural abilities. I took courses on witchcraft and alchemy, things I never would’ve had the opportunity to learn in human society. I shared a dorm with a fellow witch from my classes. Her name was Sunghee. She was what could only be described as text book beauty. She had glowing ginger hair that flowed over her shoulders and large green eyes. Her face was littered with freckles and she was rather slim. To go along with her innocent looks came her witchcraft. She was what humans would describe as a ‘good witch’. She practiced strictly healing and protection magic and had made a pact with herself to never engage in battle. She often spent her days collecting and researching herbs she discovered around campus.

After a long day of classes I was heading back to the dorm. I had what could be described as an infinite amount of homework and I wasn’t exactly excited to lose sleep working on it. As I approached the door I noticed something.

“Hmm? The door is locked? That’s strange. Sunghee usually leaves it open...” I mumbled to myself as I shuffled through my bag, searching for my spare key.

“Maybe she went to the shops for more herbs..”

As I unlocked the door and entered, I was greeted by emptiness. The place was sparkling clean, which was very unusual for Sunghee. She was more like the ‘messily organized’ type so seeing the place so clean was shocking. As I approached the small kitchen table, I noticed a crinkled note taped to the fridge. It read :

‘Hey name! Sorry for the sudden departure but I had some family business to attend to. I’ll probably be back by the end of this quarter. As an apology for leaving so fast I tidied up the place! Also, you don’t have to worry about caring for my plants and such! My friend Hyunjin will be staying here to take care of them! Hopefully you won’t mind!

- xoxo Sunghee ♡︎

“Only Sunghee would do something like this so suddenly and think nothing of it.” I sighed. I guess I had to get used to living with someone else for a while.

“I should really start my homework....I don’t want to be up all night.” I shook my head.

My head had been buzzing with witchcraft and algebra work for what seemed like hours. I was so focused on finishing my work before the clock struck midnight that when a knock on the door sounded through the dorm, I nearly fell out of my chair.

“Who in their right mind would arrive at this hour...” As much as I disliked the idea of talking, I still ran to open the door. As the old wooden door creaked open, the sight behind it almost made me fall over again. Standing at the door was a tall and lanky boy with longer blonde hair tied up in the back. He was beautiful and his perfection was accentuated by the small birthmark under his left check. I couldn’t put a finger on his name but I had definitely seen him before. He was deemed the school’s ‘pretty boy’ from what I could remember.

“Excuse me but what do you need? It’s quite late and I’m not exactly sure what you want from me?” I questioned as I leaned on the door frame in exhaustion.

“Oh hi. You must be name. I’m Sunghee’s ‘childhood friend’ you could say. She asked me stay here for a while to watch over her plants or whatever.” He shrugged as he pushed his hair back. Now that I looked at him closely I noticed he was carrying a large duffel bag packed to the brim.

“You? Stay here? There must be some sort of confusion. I thought a girl by the name of Hyunjin would be staying here?” I blinked in confusion.

“Oh she never explained fully then huh?” He chuckled. “My name’s Hwang Hyunjin. I’m not exactly a girl but I understand your confusion. You were probably thinking of Kim Hyunjin. She’s a girl in the shapeshifter division.” He suffled around awkwardly. “So are you gonna let me in?”

“Hoooold on there. I have no idea who you are! You expect me to just casually share a place with you for months? When I’m just meeting you for the first time now? Plus you’re a werewolf aren’t you? Bold of you to assume I could naturally just trust you!” I was beyond shocked at his audacity.

“Come ooonnn! I’m just tired ok! It wasn’t exactly my idea to stay here. Sunghee kinda sprang it on me this morning.” He sighed once again, rubbing his neck.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? If you’re trying to convince me to stay with some guy I just met than you’re doing a terrible job.” I chided.

“Look, we don’t even have to see each other or talk to each other. Ok? I’m just as unenthusiastic about this as you are but I know Sunghee would skin me alive if I didn’t care for her precious plants.”

I huffed. “I’m honestly too tired to continue with this conversation. Fine you can stay, but you better keep the place sparkling! Pull your weight in chores and maybe I won’t kick you out.” I didn’t plan on caving so easily but I was exhausted and needed sleep. I let the boy inside and then shut myself in my room for the night.

The next few weeks were....rough. Living with a teenage boy was hard enough but with him being a werewolf it was even worse. Despite trying to keep the place clean, everyday the place would be in shambles. He slept on the couch but would often shift to his wolf form while sleeping and ravage the place. Even with his sudden outbursts, Hyunjin did try his best to keep true to his deal. He rarely bothered me and the only time we really had a conversation was when he accidentally ate Sunghee’s herbs and needed information on which ones he should buy in replacement. One thing I did notice about Hyunjin was his habit to get home quite late. I was typically up into the late hours of the night doing homework so I always heard him come home. He would always be panting and out of breath, as if he had been chased back to the dorm. I did wonder what he was up to but I never confronted him about it, that is until one specific time.

It was a dreary Friday night in early October and I was finishing my physics homework for the week. Due to my growing hunger I decided to make some popcorn and maybe watch a movie later. As I was pouring the popcorn in a large bowl, I heard the front door slam open. Hyunjin must’ve been home. I didn’t greet him, as I didn’t typically do so but I could tell something was off by how he was breathing. He was panting much heavier than I had ever heard and seemed to be groaning in pain. I decided to ask what was wrong and finally discover what was happening. When I turned to question him, I was shocked by his appearance.

Standing in the doorway was Hyunjin. He was drenched it what appeared to be a mixture of blood, sweat and rain as it had been storming outside. What shocked me the most were the large scratches and cuts scattered throughout his body. The most noticeable of them were placed near his heart, from which blood seeped into his shirt. He also appeared to have some bruises forming on his face and his nose was bleeding. The last feature I noticed were the pitch black ears and tail that sprouted from his head and lower back. He was in partial wolf form.

“What the hell happened to you?!” I exclaimed. I wasn’t exactly expecting a bloody Hyunjin to walk through the door.

“Uhh....” he spun around, eyes wide in shock. He was like a deer caught in headlights. “I got into a small fight...” He mumbled, scratching his neck awkwardly. He wasn’t expecting me to be home.

“Bullshit! You wouldn’t look like walking road kill if it was just a small fight! Tell me what really happened!” I huffed. I wasn’t usually one to get mad easily but I had been suspicious of Hyunjin for a while and wanted answers.

“Fine...fine... I guess I owe you an explanation at least...” he stumbled forward out of shock and exhaustion. I quickly set the bowl down and went to help him walk to the couch. He was still badly injured.

“Fine but before you explain we better fix your injuries. You may be a werewolf but those wounds are deep. Without treatment they could get infected.” I quickly jogged into Sunghee’s room to fetch a first aid kit.

“Unlike Sunghee, I’m not a herbs and healing witch. I’ll have to patch you up the old fashion way.” I snickered. This would’ve been a lot easier with Sunghee.

“Fine, just get it over with.” Hyunjin sighed. I could still sense his distress from his previous experience.

I started with the cuts on his face. I washed them with a damp cloth followed by alcohol wipes. Hyunjin cringed in pain. I placed small bandages over the wounds and moved on to his chest. As embarrassing as it was, I was forced to lift up his shirt to access the scratches. Any other day the blonde would of teased me for being shy but he was currently in too much distress to do so. The wounds were deep but just shallow enough to not need stitches. I applied the same treatment as I did with his face but used a wrap of bandage instead.

“Ok Hwang, explain.” I crossed my arms as I huffed.

“Fine, fine.” He shuffled in his seat, cringing in pain as he felt his injuries stretch.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I got into a fight, but it was definitely more serious than usual. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now but I usually get home late and after a run in with some not so great people. They’re a group of vampires and shapeshifters that are a part of my gym class. I do excessively well in that class and I guess they were jealous of that so that’s why they first approached me. They wanted to ‘knock me down a peg’ and put me back in my place. It probably would’ve ended there but I’m so terrible at controlling my wolf form that I snarled at them. They chased me home after that. The past few weeks I’ve tried to avoid them, more for their safety than mine. I would sprint home each day in hopes of not starting any drama. Today was the one day I didn’t run home and those punks took advantage of it. They picked a fight with me and out of exhaustion I partially turned and swiped at them. They were pissed. My accidental turning led to them ‘beating me up’ except I was far stronger and managed to do more damage.”

“Wow.” Despite my suspicion I was still a bit shocked to hear the whole story. “I never would have pictured your lazy ass to be a fighter Hyunjin..” I chuckled. “That’s hilarious.” I subtly laughed into my hand. My exhaustion combined with the fact that Hyunjin ran away out of embarrassment made the situation seem hilarious to me.

“Don’t laugh! Hey! I try to keep the place clean! I do my best!” He chided, dramatically waving his hands around in exasperation. Now that I focused on him I realized he was still half turned.

“Hyunjin..” I giggled “You dumbass! Your ears are still out! Can you even tell?!” At my examination he quickly slammed his hands against his head, feeling that his ears were in fact still showing.

“Dammit! I swear these things have a mind of their own! If it weren’t for these dumb ears, I could’ve avoided all that drama!” He groaned as he tried to push his ears back into his head. I giggled and rolled my eyes. “You really do suck at controlling your wolf! As much as it pains me maybe I could help you out?” I stifled my laughter as I wanted Hyunjin to take me seriously. “Oh really? And how do you plan to do that?” He questioned, tilting his head to the side like a lost puppy. “I’m part witch! don’t you remember? I could make you something that can help you control your wolf better! For the time being I can cast a spell on you to alter your appearance! I’d have to be with you during school though...” I mumbled. Despite being ‘roommates’ I didn’t consider us to be close friends

“You’d really do that for me? Ya know you’re a lot cooler than you let on.” He chuckled.

“Hey!”

“Could you maybe tutor me while your at it?”

“Don’t push your luck, pretty boy!”

Over the next few months, Hyunjin and I spent a lot more time together. Initially it came as a shock to the rest of the school. He was a werewolf and I was part vampire, both species that had strongly disliked each other for years. Along with this, the blonde was far more popular than I was. I was more the ‘nerdy witch’ type, who’s only care was grades. Despite all our differences, we got along extremely well. Someone who had never met use before would’ve thought we had been friends for years or even lovers. Due to our tight knit relationship, it was a common task to deny relationship rumors. As promised I did start working on a formula that would help Hyunjin with his transformations. For the time being, I simply cast an illusion spell on him each morning and would check with him throughout the day to assure it was still in effect. Throughout my growing relationship with the boy, I began to feel confused. I felt strong emotions for him, emotions I had never felt before and didn’t understand. I finally figured them out when on the phone with Sunghee. As I described to her my new found friendship with Hyunjin and how much I wanted to hang out with him, Sunghee pieced together that I must’ve liked him , or in her words had a ‘crush’. I immediately dismissed the idea, but over the following week I noticed just how much I liked his company. There was no other way to explain it. Thankfully it didn’t appear to hinder our friendship at the time so I simply pushed the thoughts to the back back of my head.

Currently it was approaching the end of October meaning both finals for that semester and Halloween were in the upcoming week. Hyunjin was stressed to say the least. Despite all the tutoring I gave him, he was still adamant on needing my help to prepare. I decided to make a deal with him. For my witchcraft class I had a final project which required a non-witch partner. If he agreed to do the project with me I could tutor him again for free.

“Wait so what is this project again?” Hyunjin questioned as he took a bite out of pumpkin pie. We were sitting in the kitchen discussing our study plans for that week.

“Well it’s for my witchcraft class, it’s my final project. I need a non-witch partner and I thought you’d be perfect for for it!” I chided, throwing my arm over his shoulder.

“The premise of the project is to develop the three main elements of witchcraft through a secret mission into human territory-“

“What?” His eyes widened in shock as he choked on the pie he was practically inhaling. I patted his back to help with his coughs. He sighed and wiped his mouth. “What do you mean human territory?! It suuuuper dangerous over there! How could they assign that as a school project?!” He was surprised to say the least.

“Look Hyunjin I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not like I didn’t live half of my life surrounded by humans. Just because you’re some rich prince boy who has never seen a human in their life doesn’t give you the excuse to back out on me now.” I sighed as I rubbed my temples.

“The majority of humans are pretty chill. They won’t notice anything if we keep a low profile. All we need to do is collect an item for each element of witchcraft, that’s three in total. We’ll be in and out of there in no time!”

“Ughh... As much as I hate the idea of us walking directly into danger, I can’t afford to fail this test. Plus with all the things you’ve done for me, I think I owe you one.” He chuckled.

“Then that’s settled! Well leave tomorrow!” I clapped my hands together. “Better start packing Hwang!” I shouted as I dashed to my room.

That night I packed the necessities I would need for the small trip. I packed a map, money, a change of clothes, water, snacks, and some tools for spell-craft. Hyunjin and I were to be disguised as travelers who were stopping at the nearest town for some materials. The disguise had to be convincing so I told Hyunjin to wear old, battered clothes and bring nothing too flashy. The only downside to this town was their utter fear of supernatural beings. Many humans could care less but for some this fear had evolved into hatred. If any supernaturals were discovered in or near the town, they would most likely be executed on the spot. In order to keep our cover from being blown, I could not risk the use of the spell I typically used on Hyunjin. He questioned me about it before leaving.

“Wait! What about the spell? You know I still suck at control right?” He questioned, lugging his tan backpack from his bedroom.

“I can’t risk anyone noticing. You’ll have to survive without it for one day. Just wear a hoodie or something to cover your ears if they happen to appear.” He nodded, nervous as ever. “Don’t worry it’ll be fine!” I smiled. “Let’s get going.

The beginning of the project went perfectly. We were able to slip into the town with few people noticing our presence. For the grade, I needed to collect three objects to represent the three elements of witchcraft : defense, offense and recovery. The recovery object was the easiest so we decided to gather that item first. We stopped at a small tea and herb shop, which they surprisingly had, and I bought multiple bags of herbal tea along with healing incense. We did get some strange looks in the store but nothing crazy, they probably weren’t used to teenagers visiting a dusty shop like that. Next was defense. It seemed easy enough. Hyunjin suggested we buy a plank of strongly crafted wood and have it shaped into a shield. He went and gathered that part of the project while I purchased solvents from a scientist that I could use in defense spells. The final element was definitely the most difficult. Offense or in short, something that could kill. Sure we could’ve found a sharp stick or snatched a spear from some old museum but those wouldn’t get me a good grade. I needed something special.

“Hey Look! A weaponry shop! That’s exactly what we’re looking for I chided, pulling him behind me by his sweatshirt sleeve. “We can probably get a gun or something here...” I mumbled. As we entered the small shop we were greeted by an old man. He didn’t say anything directed towards us but a simple ‘Welcome. Shout if you need help’.

“Let’s go quick Hyunjin. I wanna get out of here as soon as possible.” I whispered to the boy as I signaled him to follow me into the store.

“Okay, okay. What do you want me to look for?” He whispered back.

“Find a dagger or knife of sorts, I’ll find a small handgun. Don’t buy anything too gaudy though, we don’t wanna draw attention on the way out.” I walked to the back of the store that was labeled as the gun section. I picked out two small handguns along with a couple packs of ammunition, keeping in mind how they would fit in my pack. I quickly met Hyunjin at the front counter. He had picked out a dark green Swiss Army knife along with what appeared to be a hunters knife. If the store owner didn’t walk out at that moment, we probably would’ve slipped out without paying.

“Hello! Is this all you want today?” He questioned. We both nodded placing the weapons on the counter. He wrapped the items lightly then packed them into a small bag. He handed the bag to Hyunjin as I shuffled through my bag for cash.

“Why you both look pretty young! You wouldn’t mind showing me your weapons license by any chance right?”

Shit. I didn’t think of that. I shuffled through my bag in despair.

“Umm you see sir I think I must’ve lost it while traveling....” I rubbed my neck, hoping he would buy my childish lie.

“I’m sorry but I need to see it in order for you to buy these weapons miss.” He smiled, an eerie smile at that.

“I’m so sorry sir but I can’t find it....” I awkwardly smiled back.

“Well then missy, you’ll have to give those back!” He reached and grabbed at the bag which Hyunjin had handed to me. Out of instinct I pulled it back towards me, effectively loosing my balance and stumbling back into the blonde. It didn’t take long for us to trip over each other and fall to the floor.

“You...you monsters! I knew something was up with you!” The man at the front screeched, flailing his arms about wildly. I furrowed my brows in confusion. It made sense when I finally caught sight of the boy beside me. The fall had effectively knocked the hood of his head and thanks to our luck, his ears were out on full display. We were screwed.

“Dammit Hyunjin!” I yelled throwing myself up from the floor and grabbing at him to get up. “Time to run!” Finally grasping the situation, the blonde sprang up from the floor and dashed out the door beside me. As we sprinted through the city, we heard what sounded like gunshots. I assumed they were signal flares, something to notify the people that supernaturals were there. It didn’t take long before a group of crazed humans were chasing after us with spears and guns. Just as the gunshots began to sound, I managed to put up a protective barrier around us.

“Hyunjin we gotta get out of here as fast as we can! We can’t risk dying or letting them know the school’s location!” I huffed. Running was hard. “I can only keep this barrier up for so long! Do you have any ideas?” I desperately shouted as we made a mad dash away from the town. His eyes seemed to sparkle in excitement at me asking for his help. He had an idea.

“You might not like this idea but I think it could work!” He shouted back.

“What is it?”

“I’m gonna need you to trust me fully! On the count of three, I’ll transform into full wolf form and run out of here with you on my back! There’s no way they could catch up to us!” He panted, his golden eyes shimmering in the sunlight.

“You’re really crazy sometimes Hwang, but this time I’m willing to trust you! Just don’t let us get killed ok?!”

“Alright it’ll take me a minute to transform fully! If you can hold up this barrier for that long we should be fine!”

“Alright!” We stopped suddenly. I closed my eyes in concentration as I chanted the spell for the protective barrier. As I did so, Hyunjin transformed into a beautiful, sleek black wolf.

‘Hop on!’ I heard him speak to me through subconscious thoughts. It didn’t take another word from him for me to swing my legs over his back and latch onto his fur. “Go Hyunjin!” I shouted, causing the wolf to sprint forwards, almost three times as fast as the pace we were previously at.

We ran for what seemed like years. The sounds of gunshots and angry shouts seemed to fade into the distance long ago. We had lost them. Upon passing the school gates, we both collapsed on a grassy area, Hyunjin returning to his human form. I rolled onto the ground in exhaustion. I wasn’t exactly the ‘athletic type’ and that amount of exercise was painful. I chuckled as I saw Hyunjin collapse beside me.

“What are you laughing at?!” He jeered.

“Heh, at least we didn’t die! Now you won’t fail your finals since you are guaranteed my help in studying! Aren’t you happy about that?” I chuckled again.

“Ignoring the fact that we almost died, that was the most fun I’ve had in years! Who would’ve though you to be my best friend-“ I was cut off by the sensation of warm lips against mine. Hyunjin was kissing me. I could feel my face heat up but I kissed back. His feelings were clearly reciprocated. Upon breaking the kiss, I faced away for, him and covered my face in embarrassment.

“Huh? Is that the great and fabulous name being shy at a simple kiss? You’re so weak!” He laughed as he rubbed his face against my neck, similar to how an animal would treat its mate. I chuckled. Two could play at that game. I faced him again.

“Is the great, dumb wolf Hyunjin in love with me?” I smirked as I saw the slight blush bubble up on his cheeks.

“Well maybe I am!” He chided. I smiled

“Well maybe I love you too.”

AN: This was from Halloween buuuttt imma post it now cuz y not 😗. Also I watched the Skz concert this weekend and it was AMAZING. I am currently still in post concert depression buttt maybe I’ll have some motivation to write again soon! Peace out ✌🏼

[anarcoqueer1994]

You Are My Sunshine

A little Shrinkyclinks fic I am working on. Not beta read so ope.

Steve had retired a few months back, giving Sam the shield. His life had been quiet enough since then, getting a two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn with Bucky when Bucky returned from the blip. Bucky, though,would still go out on missions with Sam and did some freelance work for the government. Steve would never admit that though his friend was more than capable, he would still get nervous when he was away for days at a time, worried that he would lose his friend for a third time. But overall, it was going fine. That is until one day when one of Bucky's jobs followed him home.

An unfortunate result of the recent Flag Smashers attacks, some anti-super soldier terrorist groups rose-up out of fear. Some wealthy elites, both part of world governments and independent ,backed these groups in secret, supplying tech and money, as they see super soldiers as a threat to their power. They weaponized these people’s fear. These groups were ruthless in their pursuits, ordered to not care who they hurt, as long as they eliminated super soldiers. 

Bucky and Sam had faced one of these groups recently, when they attempted to come after and kill Bucky while they were out on an intelligence mission. The two men thought that they had taken care of the group after a long, drawn-out battle, rounding them up to deal with the consequences. What they hadn't had counted on was a second team following Bucky back to Brooklyn, after he and Sam went their separate ways. He had done well to keep he and Steve’s location a secret, but got careless this time, letting his guard down.

So now these militants were in New York in front of their apartment building, threatening to hurt other people, to get to Steve and Bucky. Of course the men don’t  back down, not waiting for backup to arrive. The fight had been tense, Bucky and Steve vs 10 well-armed men, but nothing they couldn't handle. So they managed to subdue them. But as a last-ditch effort, one shot something right towards Bucky who had been occupied with another one of the men. It appeared like a red laser beam, almost something out of a sci-fi film. Steve noticed it coming, and not having the time to warn Bucky, jumps in front of his friend, taking the hit. He goes down hard to the ground, unconscious instantly. "Steve!" Bucky yells out, heart sinking. When his friend doesn’t  move, he is urged back into action, protecting his now defenseless friend. It takes everything in him not to revert to killing, like the Winter Soldier, but the man who shot Steve was definitely in bad shape by the time backup,government agents, arrived. They round the would be terrorist up and get them hauled away.

As the men are being taken away, Bucky runs towards Steve who is unresponsive on the ground but still breathing. He yells for an ambulance. He scoops Steve up in his arms, and against his chest, kneeling on the ground, whispering "Come on, Stevie…" he feels like this is all his fault. He was the one who brought them there, he was the one the gun was aiming for, and now the love of his life, however unrequited that may be, is lying unconscious on the ground, and god only knows what that laser did. He feels a tear well up in his eye, forcing himself not to shed it. This is not the time to break down. But he is terrified. He hasn’t seen Steve completely unresponsive in years, not since they were kids and he would get into fights and get knocked unconscious. Bucky, then too, would often lose his mind, beating up anyone who had touched his Stevie, whether Steve knew it or not. 

But before the ambulance arrives, Steve is opening his eyes again, smiling at Bucky. “Hey Buck.” He sounds completely fine.  

Bucky lets out a sigh of relief, it looks like whatever the laser was intended to do didn’t work on him. “How ya' feeling, pal?” Bucky smiles back.

“Great, just a little tired, but I don’t feel any different otherwise.” Suddenly, Steve becomes aware of Bucky’s arms still wrapped around him, pulling him close to his chest. He blushes as he clears his throat. “You planning on squeezing me to death, bud?”

Now Bucky is going red, trying to laugh it off as he lets go. “I thought you were dying, punk.”

Steve just laughs back, sitting up right as the ambulance arrives. They bring him to the truck and check him out, giving him a clean bill of health. So, Steve and Bucky return to the apartment. Both showering and then Steve opting to go lay down. Seriously injured or not, being knocked unconscious took a lot out of him.

Bucky sat in their living room, trying his best to block out the events of today. For those few minutes, when he thought he could lose Steve, he had felt like everything around him was going to crash down, burying him in a pit of loneliness and sadness that he knew he wouldn't be able to escape. The thought of losing Steve again made him sick to his stomach. Steve was his everything, even when they were kids in Brooklyn, when sickness would ravage the blonde’s body and he would spend days at the Rogers’ home, sitting near his bedside, or sliding into bed to pull him close to keep him warm. Worried that he could lose his Stevie at any moment. Terrified at the thought. And seeing Steve unconscious today, brought all those feelings back. It was worse than seeing him roughed up in battle, because at least those times he had been conscious. But this time was different.  He doesn’t know what he would do without his favorite person in the whole world, the one person who understands him. The person he would do anything for, be anything for, just to make him happy. But Steve was fine, he reminded himself.

So, he tries to shake away those feelings, sending mindless texts to Sam, who had messaged him as soon as he heard what happened. Bucky filled him in, told him Steve was alright. Then deciding to read, he picked up where he left off on The Lord of the Rings. He has to say, he loves these books, always liking The Hobbit, so being ecstatic to find out that the author had written more later. One good thing about waking up in the future. This did the trick, immersing himself into the story, melting away any lingering thoughts of today. 

That is until a couple hours pass, and he hears rough coughing from Steve’s bedroom. This catches him off guard. Steve (and himself), don’t really get sick thanks to the fantastic immune system afforded to super soldiers.

He gets up and makes his way to Steve’s bedroom, knocking as he hears the continued coughing fit, punctuated by wheezing. When Steve doesn’t answer, Bucky just opens the door, too worried to care about etiquette. When he enters the room, he stops dead in his tracks. There, sitting up coughing, is Steve. But Steve is different then when he went to lay down, He is much shorter, lacking any muscle mass, skinny, drowning in the navy t-shirt and grey sweatpants he went to sleep in. He looks like he did before the serum, give, or take a few years due to the time he has spent outside of the ice.

Bucky steps closer “Stevie?” He is shocked and worried again.

When Steve finally catches his breath, he looks down at his own hands instead of meeting Bucky’s stare, mortified by his sudden appearance change. The other man stepped closer to the bed. “Steve, I think the ray wasn’t so harmless.” He tries to say plainly, not showing the worry in his voice. For as much as he had been angry at Steve back in the day for letting the military experiment on him, he was ultimately grateful that the serum had helped his body fight back diseases that had tormented him his entire life. 

Steve’s bright blue eyes, which always stood out more against his paler, sicklier skin, shoot up and meet Bucky’s and he snaps “You think?” His harsh tone caused Bucky to recoil slightly. Steve, seeing this, quickly apologizes, feeling guilty. “Sorry, Buck…” Bucky nods and steps forward again, taking a seat on the edge of Steve’s bed. "Don't  worry about it, it was a dumb thing to say. "Bucky blushes slightly, cursing himself for being such an idiot sometimes. 

Steve sighs, not towards Bucky but in general, towards the room.“I’m just frustrated. I woke up a few minutes ago and I was this…and then it got hard to breathe and for the first time in years it felt like I was having an asthma attack. Isn’t that pathetic?”

Something switches in Bucky’s head when Steve calls himself pathetic, something more protective like how he used to feel when they were much younger. He reaches over like it is nothing, placing his hand on Steve’s bony knee. “I’m going to tell you like I did back then. Nothing about you is pathetic. You can’t help what your body does. And you…you jumped in front of a gun to protect me. I wouldn’t call that pathetic. I’d call that being a hero.” 

Steve cracks a small smile. “Whatever you say…” He does not believe him but knows Bucky won’t back down on this, he never has. He lets out a shiver. The apartment is freezing. It is February but they keep the heat low since both men had such a high tolerance to cold. Bucky notices his friend shivering. “Oh shoot, I sorry Stevie. Let me get the heat and then…I’m going to call down to the Avenger’s Tower.” Pepper has been keeping it going and he knows she will know who can help them. 

Steve nods, hating feeling so useless, but knowing Bucky is there to help. That he can rely on Bucky not to make him feel worse, just be there to support and help him. He used to hate the way Bucky would always step in. He used to think it was because Bucky thought he was weak. But in reality, its because Bucky is the best friend a guy could ask for.

Bucky turns the heat up before making the call. It’s pretty late at this point, so Pepper tells them to come down tomorrow and they will take a look at him. Bruce can be there in the morning to help. Bucky hates that, hates that he has to wait. He is worried about Steve and wants answers now. But he knows she is right. They should just rest, but first thing in the morning Bucky will be down there with Steve. 

He makes his way back to Steve’s bedroom not bothering to knock on the half-opened door, wishing he did though. Steve was facing away from him, but he was naked, ass in full view of Bucky. Even when he was small and skinny, Bucky thought he had a fantastic ass, not that anyone would have been able to tell back in the day, Steve always wore clothes too big for him. Bucky blushes as he tries to get out without Steve noticing him, but he is distracted, clumsily bumping into the door framing, causing a loud bang. Steve, turns around, suddenly covering up with the shirt that is in his hand and turning red.

Bucky stumbles through an apology. “I am so sorry…sorry…I…uh...” before just running out of the room like an embarrassed school girl. 

Smooth Barnes. He thinks to himself as he slumps down on the couch. He doesn’t know why he got so flustered, it's not like he hasn’t seen Steve naked before, changing around each other all the time as kids. Well, until his dad said they were too old to be getting dressed around each other. That was also the same time his dad had told him that they were too old to be “hugging like that”, too old to be holding hands, “Boys your age don’t need to be that affectionate with their friends'' and “Do you want folks to think you are a pansy?” Bucky closes his eyes, unsuccessfully trying to rid his mind of that memory. He thanks god that his dad never found out how he really felt for his best friend. Not that Steve felt that back, so nothing happened but still. Steve was just a good guy. He sits and tries not to drown in his thoughts. 

~

Steve can’t believe Bucky just walked in on him like this. He feels so unattractive, so weak, and sickly. His mom had told him once that he was just a "late bloomer, but he was still a very handsome person that any girl would be "lucky to have", a sentiment that Bucky would back her up on. He never believed them, and without the serum he would have never "bloomed." To be fair, he also didn’t want "any girl". He just wanted Bucky. And he knows Bucky is not checking him out, why would he be? But if Bucky were to see him naked, he would have preferred it would have been in his serum enhanced body, strong and not so fragile. 

He sighs to himself and goes back to what he was doing, looking for something, anything he could wear without it practically falling off him. It's hopeless, so he settles on a pair of boxers that happened to be too small prior to today, now having to roll the waistband to get them to stay up. As far as clothing though, he doesn’t even have a pair of sweatpants he could pull tight enough to prevent from falling off. He frowns to himself, knowing Bucky was a little smaller than him, not quite having the same muscle mass. Maybe he has at least a shirt he could wear and a pair of sweatpants he could pull tight. Bucky does have some pretty tight shirts he wears when he is working out. Steve begins automatically blushing, picturing the way they cling to his muscular chest after working out, before shaking his head back to the current moment.

Given the embarrassing situation that just occurred, he is a little apprehensive about asking. But he knows he has to, already feeling terribly cold in just these oversized boxers. He calls timidly from his room. "Buck?"

His voice snaps Bucky out of his thoughts, instinctively jumping to his feet to see what Steve needs. Walking in this time, he is met with Steve staring at the floor, obviously embarrassed, clad only in some comically large boxers and socks. He feels bad for his friend, who is clearly struggling with this. He tries to stay calm, not letting it show that he thinks Steve looks absolutely adorable...and fucking hot. 

Honestly though, Bucky has thought Steve has looked hot, both when he was skinny and when he was muscular, but he has always had a soft spot for his pre-serum appearance, loving how perfectly Steve fit under his arm when he used to pull him close "to keep him warm." He is also very careful about not staring down at the boxers, knowing from accidental glimpses when they lived together in the tiny one bedroom tenement, that even before the serum, Steve was packing a lot more than you would think by looking at him. Bucky had spent countless nights picturing what it would feel like if it was inside of him, ultimately just hurting himself more with fantasies that would never come true.

Realizing quickly that he had been standing there awkwardly in silence, Bucky speaks up. "Um, what did you need pal?"

Steve refuses to look at him, Bucky understanding that this is definitely pretty hard for him. The blonde shyly asks "Um...all my clothes are too big. And um...I know you wear a slightly smaller size. Do you have anything that is tight on you that I could wear?"

Bucky lets out a small huff from his nose, smiling as he says, "Sure thing, give me one moment." Without another word, Bucky turns around and walks out of the room towards his own. 

His thoughts have been in a constant struggle with themselves since this happened. He is worried beyond belief for Steve, and what this all means to him. Will he get sick again? Can he be changed back? Should he be changed back? Is it safe? But then a part of himself, a part that he hates, is so turned on by Steve right now, having not seen him like this in years. He is having feelings he has no right to have. He is always attracted to Steve (inside and out), it's always there, and punctuating all their interactions, even if Steve couldn't see it. He was head over heels for the man. But he hates that right now while Steve is in such emotional distress, that he had the nerve to still let his head wander into fantasies. He is appalled by himself and his fucked-up head.

As he reminds himself of his continued shortcomings, he grabs his tightest pair of pants, a pair of compression running leggings, the ones he usually wears underneath some of his other pants. He hopes the stretchiness of them means they are small enough to fit on Steve. He grabs a t-shirt he recently got that is too tight on him, never wearing it but buying it at a yard sale because he had to have it. It's a little embarrassing though, pretty sure Steve has not even seen it before. It was a Captain America shirt from the 80s with a fade shield across the front of it. Bucky had tried it on once, though it was too small for him to even justify it as a workout top.

He anxiously walks back to Steve’s room, trying to make up a lie about the shirt other than "I like it because it makes me think of you and sometimes I take it with me on missions so I can pretend you are with me." Luckily when he hands Steve the clothes, Steve only raises his brow for a second, before smiling and nodding in gratitude for the clothes. Bucky sees himself out Steve could get dressed. 

After a little bit, Steve joins him out into the living room. Bucky has to hide a smile when he sees Steve in his clothes. The shirt is still too big for Steve and he can tell the pants must be pulled up high above his waist. Steve chooses not to acknowledge it, opting instead to sit down on the couch next to Bucky.

Steve doesn’t want things to be weird. Today has been weird enough, and the last thing he wants right now is his best friend being freaked out around him too. Steve, in the most casual voice he could muster says “Want to order a pizza and watch a movie?” His blue eyes stare, waiting as Bucky turns to look at him.

He simply replies “Sounds good, Stevie. I can call and you pick out the movie?” Steve nods before bending down to look at their collection of VHS tapes (they like those better than a million different streaming services.) He listens as Bucky orders, as he grabs their copy of Snow White. It always serves as a comfort, something connected to their time. He and Bucky went and seen it in the theater. Bucky had secretly saved a little extra to take Steve. Steve cherishes that memory, one of many.

Bucky for his part does everything in his power to not steal a glimpse of Steve’s ass in those leggings, scolding himself when he does anyways. Little does he know; Steve always takes any opportunity he can to check Bucky out. 

Once the pizza arrives, they settle onto the couch, and watch the movie. The pizza box starts between them, on the middle cushion as they eat. But halfway through the movie, Bucky can see Steve is shivering, the apartment still too cold for him and his body, that was lacking the ability to properly circulate his blood. He says quietly “Stevie…do you…” he blushes, embarrassed for what he is about to ask, turning his cheeks pink. He reminds himself that it is for Steve’s good. He continues. “Do you want to…cuddle?” Steve gives him a questioning look, so he quickly adds. ‘Because you're cold. I can tell you are shivering, man. Like when we were kids, you can steal my body heat. I’m basically a human radiator.” He jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

But Steve, regardless, looks anxious as he tentatively nods, moving the pizza box to the floor as he scoots closer, moving very close to Bucky. He looks expectantly at the bigger man to raise his arm so he can press against him, hoping he doesn’t come off as desperate and weak. But Bucky smiles as he obliges, lifting his arm and pulling Steve to his side, arm fitting perfectly around him, like Bucky was made just for Steve. He wants to melt into the feeling. He wants Bucky to never let go.

Steve is careful to keep looking forward, to not let himself get distracted and drawn in by his friend. But it is hard. He has been in love with Bucky since he was 14 years old. He always walked a thin line between appreciating Bucky’s touch as a way to get warm, like when he was sick, or in the one bedroom tenement they were living in together didn’t have proper heat, and loving Bucky's touch as something more. Just wanting to feel Bucky's skin on his, even if it was a selfish little fantasy. But he always craved that touch. Even little things like when he would put his hand reassuringly on his shoulder, or when Bucky would playfully throw his arms around Steve.

But he noticed that since the serum, Bucky had touched him less. Less casually pulling him in by the shoulders and just walking with his arm around him, or climbing in bed to keep him warm. Obviously, he didn’t need that second one any more, but he was desperate for something. Anything. Sometimes he would just squeeze Bucky’s  shoulder, or pat him on the back just to feel him. Sometimes when Bucky had a nightmare, Steve would hold him, but that was only because Bucky was scared. No joy in that touch. On rare occasions  they would hug, and if he thought about it too long, he could swear something more was there.

Lost in his thoughts, he does not realize the movie has ended until Bucky yawns, snapping him out of his head. "Hey, Stevie I think I'm going to hit the hay. You should too, we are going down to see Bruce and Pepper early tomorrow. Night, man." Steve is still staring ahead but he feels Bucky start to untangle himself from him. As Bucky stands up, Steve does not want the sensation to end, not wanting to lose the touch he desperately needs, the only silver lining of this whole ordeal. 

Without putting any thought into it, he reaches for the bottom hem of Bucky's shirt as the other man had turned to walk away. Bucky freezes as Steve hurriedly lets go of his shirt, feeling ridiculous. Steve whispers in a voice that is barely audible. "Can I sleep with you? I'm cold." He feels guilty, knowing he isn't saying the whole truth. He is cold but could have done with a pile of blankets, they aren't in the depression anymore with only one blanket each. This was 2024 and they are way better off now. But he wasn't ready to lose Bucky's touch again.

Bucky clears his throat, suddenly hard to breathe, lump forming before he can swallow it down. Steve wants to sleep with him and Bucky wants this so bad. But he has to remind himself that this is for Steve to stay warm, not because he wanted him. His love fogged mind coupled with his own self-dislike, prevented him from putting together that Steve had blankets to keep him warm. He looks back to Steve, whose face seems torn by something,  maybe guilt? Bucky didn’t want his friend to feel guilty so he finally replies. "Of course, Stevie."

Steve’s eyes light up for a moment before he reminds himself not to be so…obvious. Bucky thinks he saw something but plays it off as Steve being relieved over Bucky not making this situation any more awkward. He watches Steve smile shyly as he gets off the couch silently, ready to follow him to his bedroom, so he leads the way.

Once in there, Steve just crawls into bed like it was nothing. He figured he might as well rip the bandage off and just do it. He stays completely dressed because he really was freezing in the apartment. Bucky on the other hand was extremely warm, not used to sleeping with the heat on so high. He doesn’t know how uncomfortable Steve would be if he slept in his boxers but decides to do it anyways. It would be more suspicious of him not to. He knows Steve isn’t dumb and has to realize that he would be extremely warm in these temperatures. 

So, Bucky slides out of his sweatpants and T-shirt, throwing them into his hamper. Steve tries his hardest not to watch, turning on his side to avert his eyes. He pretends to be preparing to fall asleep, but, in reality, he is attempting to bargain with his heart to not pound right out of his chest and fly away. They haven’t slept together in more than 80 years, not since before the war. 

While Steve is busy forcing himself to pretend to try and fall asleep, Bucky sneaks a look over at the blanket, letting himself smile at the lump under the hidden beneath, blonde hair peeking out. He makes his way over to the other side of his full-sized bed and slides in under the covers. It feels like the most normal thing in the world, like things are more normal than they have been in a long time. He reaches over, turning out the light, before scooting close to Steve. Again, he reminds himself that he is just helping him stay warm. He pulls Steve’s back against his chest, wrapping his arm over his hip. For a moment, Bucky wonders if he is over doing it, if this is too far for Steve. 

Steve forgets how to breathe for a moment when he feels himself pressed against Bucky’s body so tightly. He worries he may have an asthma attack. He doesn’t remember them ever being so close, well when they were awake that is. Usually they would only get like this in their sleep. Steve remembers one particular time when he was 19, when he woke up in this position, with the still sleeping brunette’s morning wood pressed against his ass. He had to force himself out of bed and into a cold shower after that. All of this is to say that his position really did something to him, and it took all his energy to keep his breath steady. 

They lay in the dark, quietly like this for a while. For all of Steve’s worry, and all of Bucky’s self-doubt over this, both men were content. Both men lie together, keeping their secrets, but cherishing this moment. They lay for a long while before it is obvious that neither man is sleeping. It may be subtle, but it was impossible to not feel the electricity that filled the air around them and every space in between them. It was an energy that has been there for a while.  It was something that should have been obvious from the start if it weren’t for the fact that both of them were painfully oblivious. 

Steve shifts in the bed, turning so he is facing Bucky. Even in the dark, Bucky could see the light blue tones that make up Steve's eyes. He would be lying if he didn't admit they were the most beautiful things he has ever seen. He has been around the world, has seen so many beautiful things, He has seen sparkling oceans, the large majestic sweeping expanses that surrounded Wakanda, tall, purple mountains throughout Europe, but nothing he could think of could make him feel the way he felt whenever he stared into Steve's eyes.

There are some things he has never admitted to Steve about his time as the Winter Soldier. One of these things being that every so often, he was able to bust through, have a moment of clarity before frozen again. In those moments of clarity, he would think of these eyes, of being home.  Staring into Steve's eyes, whether Steve was hulking and muscular, or skinny and small, felt like home to him.

Seeing him like this, back to the way he was prior to war has reminded Bucky that beneath all the bravado and responsibility that came with Captain America, he was still Steve. His Stevie. He knew that though, but he has been so wrapped up in guilt for all Steve has done for him, as well as countless atrocities he has committed as the Winter Soldier, he had refused to think about it. Refused to get comfortable. Refused to just be with Steve, always feeling less then, undeserving. 

Steve was like the sun, bright and powerful. Bucky had always been content to be sucked into Steve’s gravitational pull. He felt like Steve was the reason he existed, giving him life. He was just a planet who was lucky enough to be pulled in by the sun. But the sun didn’t need the planet that revolved around it, and he always felt that at some level, Steve didn’t need him. He was afraid that if he tried to be more than a planet, wanting more from the sun, Steve could easily destroy him, reject him. 

But Steve has been there all along for him, never changing. Bucky had fallen all those years ago, losing his sun, ripping through space aimlessly. The sun had fought, got himself trapped in ice in the name of his planet. Waking up in the future, getting new planets, people finally seeing what Bucky had seen all along in Steve. But as soon as Steve saw that his planet was alive, he was willing to rip his new galaxy apart like it was nothing, to pull his first little planet back in. 

Steve had always loved Bucky, and Bucky had been so wrapped up in the fear of losing his sun, that he never let himself appreciate that. Maybe...maybe it was okay for Bucky to want more out of their friendship...because maybe Steve wanted more.

He doesn't know what makes him do it, but he reaches towards Steve's face, and rests his flesh hand on the golden-haired man's face. Both lay perfectly still for a few seconds before Steve closes his and lets out an anguished sigh. When they open back up, Bucky sees a tear running down Steve’s face, worry is coating his features, his brow scrunched up in a way that Bucky just wants to reach up and smooth out. In a soft voice, the brunette asks "Stevie....what is it...."

Steve closes his eyes again, taking a pained sigh as he moves his own hand softly over the hand resting on his face, doing his best to hold on for a moment longer before he comes clean. "I don't want you to hate me..."

Bucky feels his chest tensing up, not knowing what could have prompted Steve to say that. "What makes you think I could ever hate you? I don't think that is possible. " Bucky replies truthfully.

"It’s...just..." Steve takes a deep breath, before sitting up and staring down at Bucky. Bucky frowns at the loss of contact before sitting up as well, facing the blonde who looked like he might break if Bucky stared too hard. He continues, "It's just, I didn’t need you to keep me warm, Buck."

"What?" Bucky stares back, genuine  confusion on his face.

"We have plenty of blankets now, I would have been fine in my own bed. But since this happened, earlier I hated it. I hated feeling small again, weak and sickly. But...there was some good. You...you were holding onto me again, like you would when we were younger….and I missed feeling your arms around me. " Steve is blushing like crazy. "And when we were on the couch, it felt so good for you to be holding onto me, and so I lied. I didn’t want it to end...so I told you I needed you to keep me warm. I'm so sorry, Buck. You must think I'm a freak." Steve takes a deep breath, steadying himself, before pulling the covers off, readying himself to stand up. He stutters "I'm going to go to my own room now…I'd appreciate it if you never bring this up again. I am so sorry."

Bucky is confused, trying to put together what is happening. Before he could respond, Steve had shuffled out of his room, leaving him alone.

~

Steve drops onto his bed, mortified at himself. He really was pathetic, too scared to even stay and find out the fall out of what he has done. He just admitted to his best friend that he lied to him and used him all because of he wanted to be touched. He wishes he didn’t have this weird crush on him. But he does and for him it has always been Bucky, and probably will always be. It wasn't fair to push that on Bucky, though. He buries himself in blankets, dreading what the morning will bring. 

He lays there for a few minutes, mauling over what will happen. Will Bucky move out? Will he not talk to anymore? Did he just mess up everything? All the worse scenarios play in his mind like a horror movie. He feels a tear run down his face and he just lets it happen. Soon tears are covering his pillow,the dam broken, his body shaking. He feels like he will never stop, terrified he just lost his best friend.

He is so wrapped up in his own mess, he doesn't hear the door opening. But then he feels the nattress shift as someone gets inside the covers on the other side. He doesn't turn his head, afraid that he is just imagining it, that he is going to lose whatever is there if he looks. But then he hears "Hey Stevie…I'm cold."

Steve’s head is spinning, what is going on. He finally gets the nerve to turn around,  finding a beautiful brunette, his Bucky, smiling at him. "Buck….what are you doing?"

He softly replies "I just told you, I'm cold and need someone to cuddle with, is that okay?"

Steve can’t help the smile that comes to his face as the last few rebel tears fall. Something tells him that the shirtless man in front of him was in no way cold, but he plays along. "Yea, its alright. Will alway be alright…."

With that, Bucky pulls Steve into his arms, Steve’s head falling onto his chest as the other man holds him close. Both men able to fiy fall asleep.

Maybe not quite a confession yet, but its babysteps. As long as they keep moving forward,they could take their time getting there.

[yee-fxcking-haw]

What Happens Next?

Summary: You begrudgingly go out dancing with your best friend, but you're consumed by the fear that you'll run into James Barnes. You two shared a wonderful afternoon in highschool and somehow ended up at prom together. Unfortunately, James ruined everything with a horrible prank at your expense. Of course, at the most popular dance hall, he shows up.

Hi guys! This is my very first fic ever so pLeAsE be nice. I apologise for typos and for being long winded. I want to preface this by making it clear that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing I just hope y'all have fun reading the story. My comic book knowledge is eh, it's set in the 1940s ish?? LOL I suck y'all are in for a wild ride. Maybe four or five parts if you guys like it?? Maybe??? Please like it????>

Warnings: Mentions of death. Asshole guy tries to get reader to leave with him without consent. Eventual smut. More specific warnings will be at the beginning of each chapter.

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 "Molly I do not want to go dancing." You bite off the end of the sentence as you put the rest of your clothes away. 

   Your best friend is sitting on your bed, touching up her makeup in a delicate handheld mirror. She rolls her eyes in a dramatic manner then slapps the mirror down on the bed and huffed at you. You can't help but laugh at her theatrics. 

   "It's not my thing." You say in a softer tone, trying to ease the tension you'd created with your snapping. 

  She looks at you with her soft brown eyes and pouts her red lips. 

   "Oh for Pete's sake I don't even own a dress." You say as you motion at your overalls. 

   "That is a sorry excuse and you know it, they're all I wear- you can borrow one of mine." She says, stressing the last half like you're hard of hearing. 

   "Yours are all too nice! I rip things and spill things and lose things, no way I'm using one of yours." You take a glance at her lovely yellow dress, decorated with a delicate white floral design. Of course she could pull that off, but you could never.

   "I have plenty I don't wear anymore, you can just have one."

   You cross your arms and scowl. You know how this is going to end, but you won't go down without a fight. Molly is one of those girls that just got what she wanted, like it was a fact of life. She's too pretty, too convincing, and dangerously clever.

    "There's going to be people from highschool there. Please don't make me do this." You beg, maybe the pity card will work. Graduation was only two months behind you, so a lot of the humiliation still stung. 

   This was true, the majority of your highschool career was indeed filled with self induced bullying. 

   "What if he's there?" You ask, feeling much more serious. 

   Molly's hands stop and she looks you in your eyes, they soften a little as she sees your genuine anxiety. Your mind goes to that horrible boy, James Barnes. Handsome enough to get himself out of any trouble, heartless enough to ruin highschool for you. Against every ounce of good sense in your body, you had developed a crush on him the last two years of highschool. It was probably those blue eyes that looked silver in the right light. The contrast of those eyes against his chocolate brown hair that always laid so well combed on his head. He had this way of walking down the halls with such confidence,  you'd swear he had every intention of owning the building one day. You assume it was the hormones, the desire to be wanted by the most wanted boy in school. Any girl could fall victim to those looks, even you. You had even grown to find his childish antics somewhat amusing. All of his pranks and obnoxious behavior had become something adventurous that you'd always longed for, something that had been missing from your life. 

   She interrupts your thinking by running her hands through the rest of your hair to undo the last half of the braid. 

   "Well, I say we get you all dolled up and show him how blind he was." She offers you a soft smile and a pat on the shoulder. 

   Your eyes drop to the floor, trying to give off the impression that the carpet has suddenly become very interesting to you. You hear her sigh while she reaches a small hand up to tilt your chin towards her face. 

   "He can't ruin dance halls, he can't ruin our fun, he especially can't ruin college boys." Her voice takes on a mischievous tone and you see that light in her eyes that only means you've already lost. You can't help but smile at her endearing girlishness. 

   "Fine, but I will not wear pink." 

   Like a five year old who's just been told she can have a sleepover she squeaks and runs to collect her makeup off the bed. 

   "Please no lipstick. I'm begging you." You smile at her, knowing full well she will pitch a fit over your reluctance to wear that awful stuff.

   "Just a little, to give you a touch of color?" She says, using her sugary voice to convince you. 

   Another easy victory for her, you roll your eyes and throw up your hands. She's on you immediately, doing God knows what to your poor face. She works with light touches, most of the application is not so bad. The mascara is the worst, it tickles and makes your eyes feel heavy. You can't find it in your heart to object though, given how joyful she is about the entire ordeal. She runs her finger through your hair a few times, pulling some pieces forward to frame your face. She steps back and crosses her arms in a very self satisfied way. 

   "You really are pretty." She says, not beautiful, just pretty. 

   "I'm not ugly." You shrug and turn to the mirror. 

   Slightly shocked, you take in your rather foreign reflection. You did look pretty. She had been very light with the makeup like she had said, she had given you just a touch of color in all the right places. Your lips look rosy, your cheeks blushed gracefully, the color to your eyelashes gives your eyes lovely definition. She tosses your hair to one side and smiles. She had given you the appearance of a girl who knew what she was doing with her looks. Perhaps you could fool a college boy into a dance with you. The overalls stood out sorely, but that would be remedied with one of her elegant dresses. 

   "So… what do you think?" She asks cautiously. 

   "I think you might be right." You smile softly at her. 

   She replies with another triumphant squeak and grabs her bag. She hoists out a bright red dress and thrusts it at you. 

   "Red? Molly this is the most attention grabbing color you could put me in! Did you pack this before you left, before you even asked me?" You're slightly offended, but mostly impressed. Of course she had, she knew she would get her way. 

   "Oh just put it on you big baby." 

   With a huff you toss the dress over your chair and unclip your overall straps. You give her a glare as you shove them down your legs. You discard your shirt to the pile in the corner of your room and she sighs at your messiness. You hold the soft dress in your hands before throwing it over your head, admiring the way it glides over your skin. A very welcome contrast to the roughness of denim. It falls down your body, you have to tug a few times to get it all settled. It hugs you a little tight in a few places, as Molly is slightly more petite than you. You turn again to the mirror to inspect your transformation, again shocked by what you see. The red brings out the blush and lipstick even more, making you look like you've just been caught doing something not so lady-like. Molly walks up behind you, that same satisfied smile on her face. 

   "Now that's a lady." She says smugly.

   You sigh in defeat, not only had she convinced you to go dancing, but she had made you somebody worth dancing with. You reach up to try to flatten your hair a little and she snatches your wrist. 

   "Don't you dare ruin that volume. Grab your shoes, let's go." She scurries off downstairs, you assume to let your mother know of your plans for the evening. You take a moment alone in the mirror to run your hands over the dress. It really is a pretty dress, delicate neckline with a bow to tie the waist. It brings out your curves in a very flattering way, giving you that much envied hour glass look. You had that going for you, you were full in all the right places. As much as it pains you to admit, Molly had made you look pretty. Pretty, just pretty. You wonder what it would take to be beautiful. 

   You go to grab your boots instinctively, but catch yourself. You wander over to the closet to fetch the little black dress shoes your mom bought you for graduation. They looked almost like black ballerina slippers, very sleek and feminine. They feel very strange once they're on your feet, but Molly would have an absolute meltdown if you tromp down the stairs in your boots, so you suck up the slight discomfort. On your way downstairs you hear Molly and your mom laughing about something, probably at your expense. 

   "Well I'll be! How hard did you have to fight her to get her in that thing?" Your mom exclaims when you round the corner into the kitchen. She takes in your appearance with a dropped jaw. 

   "Oh Molly you did wonderfully." She touches your hair, smoothes the shoulders of your dress and steps back.

  "Thank you ma'am, she's a lovely canvas." 

  Growing slightly irritated at the gawking, you shove past them to grab the keys to your truck. 

   "Alright y'all this ain't a museum quit your staring." 

   They both chuckle at your grumpy state. 

   "We're just saying you're pretty is all." Your mom says gently, knowing too well your hatred for dressing up. 

   You turn and sigh, you know they mean well. They don't know how difficult it's going to be to go out and just be pretty next to Molly. Molly is gorgeous, and she'll be told that by any man who sees her. You'll be given a once over and they'll move on to her, you'll become her shadow all evening and the truth of it fills you with dread. Your hand sneaks to your stomach to try and calm your nerves. You think maybe you can feign an illness, get out of this whole charade that will inevitably end in you watching Molly be swept off by countless men, while the most action you'll see is the root beer bottle touching your lips while you sit alone. 

   "Oh no you're not doing the sick act." Molly is all too familiar with your tricks. She grabs her purse while your mom laughs. 

   "Molly get her out of here before she has the most sudden case of the flu known to man!" They both laugh deeply at this and you grumble while they usher you towards the front door. Your mom gives you each a kiss on the cheek and smiles fondly. 

   "Be safe, stay away from soldiers, and always keep an eye on each other. I will allow a small amount of mischief but nothin' that requires me getting dressed to come pick you two trouble makers up." 

   You and Molly chuckle at her little speech. She was well aware that you two could very well get yourselves into a right mess, given the years of shenanigans. You lean in and hug her tightly. 

   "It's just the dance hall ma. Nothin' we can't handle." You reassure her. 

   "Oh I know that. I'm worried it can't handle you." Another round of laughter, Molly opens the door and bows with a dramatic sweep of her hand. 

   "After you Madame." She says through laughter. 

   You roll your eyes, at her, at your mother, at the absurdity of this entire evening. Maybe it won't be so bad to get out and have fun again. Since you graduated you've been hesitant to show your face anywhere around town. Going to the dance hall was a big deal as it was just outside the city. James and his best friend Steve were there often during the weekends in highschool. You always admired Steve a little, he reminded you of yourself. A shadow to an attention grabbing best friend. Steve always seemed sweet, you wondered how he could be best friends with such an ass like James. Then again, James seemed harmless until he proved to be heartless. 

   "Very well, but I'm driving," you announce, Molly tries to object but you whip around quickly and give her a warning look. 

   "Fine that's fair, you've already budged on a lot tonight." She ends her sentence with a sweet giggle. 

  "I love you both! Keep her from biting any heads off Molly!" Your mom calls out as you walk to your truck. 

   "As always!" Molly calls back. 

   You climb into your old blue truck, the only thing you have left of your father. The war took him, not an uncommon story around these parts. This truck has become a thinking spot for you, a little sanctuary made of cracked leather and discarded soda caps. You smile fondly as you start up the engine. Your father and you had a friendship that you believed to be rare. He never once made you wear a dress, or brush your hair. He admired your stubborn nature, he used to tell you the world had another thing coming if it thought it was ready for a girl like you. Swallowing the tears that threatened to spill, you reach over and pop the lock of the passenger side door so your best friend can join you. Molly hops into the passenger seat and gives you a wide grin. 

   She says your name softly, you glance over to offer her confirmation of your attention. 

   "Thank you for coming with me. I owe you." She's set aside the joking to genuinely thank you for stepping out of your comfort zone for her. While Molly was at times irritating due to her ability to always get her way, she was a genuine, loyal friend. 

  "You sure do." You laugh, flick on the lights and shift the gear to drive. 

   Your dad had taught you how to drive at 14, something he was very proud of while your mother was horrified. 

   "If I'm gonna send you out on the road, you're gonna know how to handle a truck. I want you surrounded by all this metal, much safer than all those little show cars people got now." You can hear his strong voice reciting his speech for why he wanted you to start so young. 

   He had succeeded indeed. You could handle a truck better than anyone you knew, every time you drive you thank him for it. There probably wouldn't ever come a day when you'd part with this ugly blue truck, not when it held every memory you love. 

   The drive to the dance hall is filled with Molly yammering about all the fine young men that will be there. You try to listen, but your mind is stuck on James. It's a Friday night, of course he'll be there. You were a fool to think there was any maybe about it. He would be there, you would see him, and you would have to relive his most horrible prank all over again. Your only hope was that Steve would be with him, if Steve was there James would somewhat behave himself. You hoped so at least. When you pulled into the dance hall parking lot your stomach began to tie itself in knots. A white hot embarrassment clawed at your lungs and your stomach. You could already see faces you recognize from highschool, you wanted nothing more than to run back home with your tail between your legs. You pulled the truck into a spot along the road, so you were turned away from anybody that might see you. The thought of somebody seeing your face then leaning over to whisper to their friend was enough to make your eyes water. You curse yourself for being so damn sensitive about the matter. It was only prom right? Only a stupid dance, that's what you always said. That was until that arrogant coward James went and- 

   "Are you ok?" Molly asks quietly. 

   You hadn't even heard her calling your name. Your thoughts consumed by the horrible shame eating at your insides. 

   "Just worried." You say, almost a whisper. 

   She's quiet for a moment, contemplating your anxious state. She reaches over and covers your hand with hers, rubbing it with her thumb affectionately. 

   "He can't take this. You get to smile, you get to have fun. People like him peak in highschool and end up miserable the rest of their lives. People like that don't get to ruin things for people like you." Her voice is calm, resolute, it brings you the peace you've craved since you left the house. 

   You think of your dad, how livid he would be if he knew you were letting some stupid boy steal your thunder. You could never let him see you this bent out of shape over somebody like James. You take one deep breath, begging the air to steady your nerves. Looking over at Molly, you smile at the honesty in her eyes. She's right, he doesn't get to have this too. He had his moment, his last hoorah. Prom was all he was ever going to take from you. You fluff your hair a little, tossing it to one side like Molly had at your house. Taking one last breath, you square your shoulders and smile at her. 

   "Let's give 'em hell." You say. 

   "Atta girl! You're a knockout hon, you'll see." She hops out of the truck and runs around to meet you on your way out. She hooks her arm in yours and pulls you towards the building. So far none of the people heading in have turned to throw any rotten fruit at you, so you allow yourself to relax slightly and follow Molly's lead. As you make your way to the door you notice a group of soldiers leaning against the wall, a few smoking, a few cradling beers. Naturally their eyes wander over to you two. You anticipate the eyes that land on Molly, but not the eyes that land on you. You're especially caught off guard by the low whistle that leaves the lips of a particularly handsome soldier. You must look like you've never even seen a man before, let alone had one compliment you. Molly doesn't miss a beat, letting out a soft giggle and raising her free hand to wave. 

   "Evening boys, y'all here to dance or cause trouble?" She says with her flirty voice. They all chuckle. 

   "How's a little of both sound, sweetheart?" The one that whistled says with a deep husky voice. You blush and try to hide your sheepish smile by looking down when his eyes meet yours. 

   "Sounds like a plan." Molly winks and ducks into the doorway. 

   The lobby is absolutely packed with people, some saying excited hellos, some couples all over each other, all far too busy to even notice you two have entered. This brings you even more relief, maybe you would make it through tonight without having to relive any painful highschool memories. People probably didn't even care anymore. That's what happens after highschool anyway, it all gets forgotten while everyone finds their own way. That's thinking optimistically of course, an event like prom was sure to be remembered, but for tonight you're determined to pretend it never happened. Clinging to Molly like a life raft you let her lead you into the dance hall. You are absolutely floored by all of the movement, the bodies wrapped around each other, the band blaring on the stage, the twinkling lights illuminating the entire event. It's all so incredible. Everyone seems to have completely lost themselves in the movement of the band's driving melody. They're playing In The Mood by Glenn Miller, a song you've learned is a hit at places like this. You crane your head to take in the entire room, out of the corner of your eye you notice the soldiers from the front door, the one guilty of the whistling has his eyes glued to you. You offer him a shy smile, he returns it with his own confident grin. 

   "Molly that soldier won't stop looking at me!" You say urgently.

   "Well then let's go." She says it like it's obvious. You don't even get the chance to object, she yanks you around and you're on your way over to the group of charming soldiers. Your eyes are glued to your admirer, who looks pleased with Molly's decision to bring you over. 

   "Hello again." She says with her signature confidence. 

   "Hi there." His friend says, giving Molly a long look up and down. 

   "I'm afraid no young man has had the guts to ask either of us to dance, either of you up to the challenge?" She asks. 

   The two men give each other a knowing look. The friend offers Molly his hand immediately. 

   "It would be a pleasure darlin'." He says with a goofy smile. He's very handsome, warm brown eyes with tight curls to match. A strong jaw and a bright look in his deep eyes. Built strong and broad like most soldiers, dwarfing Molly. You hear her giggle and ask him his name as he sweeps the off into the dance floor. You're left with your soon to be dance partner, tongue tied and full of nerves. You glance up at him through your lashes, hoping you don't look too helpless. He offers you a small smile. His eyes are a deep brown like his friend's, but his hair is a rich auburn. Freckles decorate his handsome cheekbones, pairing beautifully with his rich eyes. 

   "What's your name sugar?" He asks with confidence while he steps forward, placing his left hand on your waist, moving his other to hold yours up in a typical pose for dancing like this. You're so very thankful for his obvious experience. If this was all left up to you, there would be nothing but awkward silence and a sorry excuse to duck and run out of the building. His confidence puts you at ease, so you settle into the dance, a slow easy pace to match the new song the band had begun to play. You tell him your name softly and give him an awkward glance. 

   "Thank you for the pity dance. That girl that stole your friend is my best friend. She had to practically drag me here." You add a chuckle to the end of the sentence, making sure it comes out soft and feminine. 

   He smiles down at you, a look you can't quite decipher crosses his eyes. Before he speaks again his eyes drift to your neckline quickly then dart back up. You try to stuff the uncomfortable feeling it gives you deep down so you don't ruin the dance. 

   "Ain't no pity dance sweetheart. You're a vision in red. My name's Daniel." He says, eyes dancing over your collar bones briefly. You suppose this is the kind of attention that you should expect at a place like this. This is the kind of attention girls come here for isn't it? You sure hope so. Finding yourself lost for what to say next you think about what Molly would say. Despite your nerves, you let your free hand slide to play with his collar, you bat your eyelashes and give him what you hope is a flirtatious smirk. This seems to boost his confidence a little, he lets the hand on your waist drift down slightly. You swallow that uncomfortable feeling and ignore the gesture. 

   "So Daniel, how long have you been a soldier?" You internally kick yourself for the disgustingly ditsy question. This is why you don't go dancing. 

   "About a year, joined right out of highschool." He says, shamelessly watching your neckline now instead of meeting your eyes. 

   Channelling Molly, you utterly shock yourself with the sentence that leaves your mouth next. 

   "Well if you think I'm a vision in red, you should see yourself in this uniform." 

   This apparently sparks something in him, because he drops his hand so his fingers are on the side of your ass, and the hand holding yours drops to mirror it. You grab his shoulders to steady yourself, he brings you flush against him and drops his head so his lips are at your ear. 

   "You should see me out of it hon." His voice is low and sinister and you positively hate it. You plant your palms on his chest and look up at him with as much alarm as you can convey. 

   "Look dude, I'm new to this but I'm not an idiot. You need to find another girl if this is how you want tonight to go," you snap.

   He doesn't drop his cocky smile for a second. Before you can even react he has you by the wrist, dragging you into the lobby and out the door. The bastard had positioned you for a quick escape while you were dancing. 

   "Hey knock it off!" You holler, looking around wildly, pleading for someone to notice. They're all far too caught up in their own activities to notice, just like when you and Molly arrived. Your legs betray you as you stomp along behind him, desperate to avoid a scene. Your stomach starts to flip and you dig your heels in once you're in the parking lot. You yank your arm back and call out to him again. 

   He turns on you like a wolf, grabbing the sides of your face with a crushing grip. You let out a whimper while your hands fly to his and attempt to pry them off your face. 

   "Look hon, you got two options, embarrass the hell out of yourself, or come with me and have the time of your life." Now that he's this close you smell the alcohol on his breath. 

   "You pig!" You snarl, your foot comes down on his right foot hard and you spit in his face. He hops back and howls, grabbing his foot and wiping his face. You turn on your heels to run into the building but his strong hand is around your wrist again. He yanks you so your back is against his chest. Before you can object to this horrid action, a strong and smooth voice echoes from behind the both of you. 

   "I ain't no genius, but I don't believe a woman wants to be held like that by a man that she's just called a pig." 

   Daniel's arm releases you and you stumble forward, not even sparing a glance back at your rescuer, you run into the lobby and find a table to brace yourself on. You swallow as much air as you can to still the rattling of your bones. You hear shouting, maybe the sound of a fist connecting with a face. Daniel let's some colorful language fly at his assailant, followed by heavy footsteps and a slamming car door. 

You let out a huff, flattening your fingers out on the cold wood of the table. Willing yourself to relax before you see Molly again, the last thing you want is to ruin her night out. 

   "Are you alright doll?" That smooth voice from the parking lot asks from behind you. You feel a wave of calm wash over you. It was just a voice, a stranger's voice, why did it bring you so much peace? Dropping your shoulders, you turn to face whoever this bold savior is. 

   "I am now, thank you for-." You freeze, suddenly feeling like you're in even more danger than you were at the hands of Daniel. You stare directly into eyes so blue they look like silver. Your throat closes, Your heart hits the bottom of your stomach and you bring your arms around your abdomen. Those beautiful lips part and he says your name gently, like you're some wounded animal he doesn't want to scare off. You damn the butterflies that flutter in your stomach at the sound of his voice saying your name like that. Those eyes have you trapped in their gaze, you will yourself to run, to rip your feet from where they're planted and run like hell. You can't fucking move though, not away from him.

   "James." You whisper. Embarrassment burns white and hot in your gut. You swallow thickly and grab your elbows, wishing to hold yourself tightly, hoping maybe if you squeeze hard enough you'll crumble and disappear.

   "Uhm, th-thanks for that." You blurt out then turn to run to your truck, hoping to hide until Molly comes out to find you. You need the safety of that dingey cabin, to smell the leather and the oil and have your nerves stilled by memories of your father. 

   He calls out your name, hot on your heels as you stomp to the truck. You won't turn around. You will not fall for it again. 

   "Doll please, hear me out." That damn name always turned your legs to jelly. Not tonight. You whip around, hair flying wildly around your shoulders. He comes to a jolting stop and looks at you with begging eyes. Your finger comes up to point at him, you take two stomps forward and place it firmly on his chest. 

   "Do not fucking call me that. Stop fucking following me." You say as firmly as you can, trying to hide the pain behind the words. 

   "Please just listen." He says after a breath. His eyes soft and honest, those stunning eyes. Shit. You fell for it. 

   You cross your arms and look to the side, following some tail lights down the road. 

   "I am so sorry…" He says with a weak voice. 

Part Two

[rayshippouuchiha]

Consider this: Naruto remembering how bad his time at the orphanage was, so he makes his own orphanage where he takes care of a bunch of kids and he just one big mother hen?

First things first for this shiny new AU we take the vast majority of canon and we just … shove it over there and put a tarp over it.  It’s my playground now.

And it’s not, exactly, what you asked about but my mind took a sharp left turn so uhhhhhhhh…. here?

So Sarutobi is old right? He’s old and he’s tired and Minato, his precious successor and tragic predecessor, has left him with a shattered village out for blood and a babe weighted down by burden far heavier than one small child should ever be forced to carry.

Sarutobi, with his age catching up to him and his beloved Biwako gone now too … well in the end he only has the strength to handle one of those things.

He tries at first of course.  Places Naruto with minders and nurses.  It ends … poorly.  For the babe and the one’s assigned to watch him.

But Sarutobi still tries.  For four years he tries.

Until the time comes when he’s left staring down at Naruto on a hospital bed, too thin and too wild, with two dead matrons left in his ANBU’s wake.

In that moment Sarutobi knows he’s just … stretched too thin to keep doing this.

And the needs of the many have always took precedence over the needs of the few, or the one.

So when Danzo comes to call, hands out stretched and whispers of strength and protection, promises of training and loyalty on his lips ….

Sarutobi weeps that night, closed in the privacy of his office.

He weeps but he doesn’t call for the child back.

Still a part of him knows that he will carry the shame of choosing the village over Minato’s son for the rest of his life.

And he will.

By the Sage he will.

~~~

Danzo sends him updates of course, glowing records of Naruto’s growth, his strength, his wit, his raw sort of power and the sheer ocean of chakra the boy contains.

There’d not been such promise seen at such an age since Kakashi himself and then Itachi after him.

For three years Sarutobi is able to place the matter mostly from his mind.  Even when Kakashi asks more and more often after the boy.  Even when Mikoto comes calling month after month for her godson.

And then … then it all goes wrong.  Or, perhaps, it goes right.  Either way everything changes.

There’s whispers of a uprising, of Uchiha discontent. Danzo advocates for force before Sarutobi gets through to him and the war hawk retreats to his perch to let diplomacy handle the issue.

Or so Sarutobi thinks right up until the night Uchiha Itachi comes to him, tears streaming down his face and a black banded scroll in hand, and begs for his family’s lives.

Sarutobi stares down at this boy, this child of 13 if that, on his knees begging not to have to murder his own family and knows that Danzo has been allowed to go too far.

So Sarutobi goes to Danzo, to the heart of Root that he has so long overlooked.

Only what he discovers … what he walks in on …

Carnage.  Blood and bodies and death all around.  Danzo, body shredded, laying discarded like a doll to the side.

And there, in the center, is a boy.

Small and lean with muscle, thick golden hair long and shaggy, Minato’s son stares up at him from where he kneels in the middle of so much destruction.

In one hand he clutches a bloodied, black banded headband, the claws of his other hand are caked in blood.

“Konoha is our home,” Naruto whispers, eyes a burning blue and pupils slit like a fox. The words sound like a vow.  “The Tree must be protected.  The rot burned away.  We could not allow him to cut away an entire bough that could still be saved.”

‘Oh,’ Sarutobi thinks somewhat helplessly as he stares down at the prince of two villages that he left to be tainted like this, ‘oh may the gods see me damned.’

This is how Root ends.  At the hands of what was meant to be its greatest weapon.

Because what Sarutobi and Danzo both did not know was this:

The Uzumaki blood breeds ever true and mixed with a child nurtured for 10 months in an Uzumaki mother’s womb saturated with Biju chakra?

That child was never going to be mindless.

~~~

Sarutobi cleans up the mess as best he can. Makes peace with the Uchiha at long last.  Enfolds the remaining Root members into ANBU or various other secure sections for deprogramming.

But Naruto …

Sarutobi owes him, owes Minato and Kushina both, a debt for what he’s allowed to happen, for what Naruto has prevented from coming to pass.

And yet …

What to do with the boy?

~~~

In the end Sarutobi does what he, perhaps, should have done the first time around.

He gives the boy a new headband, an apartment and a stipend from his parent’s accounts, assigns him a watcher, and steps back and away.

~~~

The reports read that Naruto lives like a machine in so many ways.  Too regulated and strict for a child his age.

He takes mission after mission, clearing out entire swaths of D ranks per day since he’s not yet allowed out of the village.

His spare time is spent in relentless training.  There are no friends, no one he speaks to.

Sarutobi isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to salvage what’s been broken here.

He’s not even sure if he has the right to try.

But Naruto is, if nothing else, loyal to the village and has shown no more outwards signs of violence.

So perhaps a hands off approach is for the best.

~~~

Then, a little over a year later, Naruto’s schedule abruptly changes.

The alert from Cat comes three weeks after that.

Sarutobi stares down at his kneeling ANBU and feels completely at a loss.

~~~

“No one wants him,” Naruto says softly.  Because that’s how he always speaks, always does everything.  Softly.  Right up until the moment that softness becomes viciousness.  “The matron didn’t want another mouth to feed.”

“Naruto, my boy, you can’t keep him.” Sarutobi tries to explain.

“Why?” Naruto asks, arms gentle around the baby boy with his light green hair.  Cradling him like something precious.  “I got the books and the supplies.  I can care for him.”

Sarutobi glances around the small apartment, takes in the stacks of parenting books and the rigidly organized crates of supplies.

The boy does look prepared and yet he’s only …

Sarutobi cuts the thought off before it can form because it’s not true is it?

Naruto’s not a child.  Never has been.  Sarutobi’s own foolishness had seen to that.

And Naruto is, Sarutobi think, so obviously, achingly, lonely.

“No one wanted me but that man,” Naruto whispers then, something wounded in his voice that Sarutobi has never heard before.  “I won’t let that happen to him.”

Sarutobi’s eyes clench closed for a split second.

And his decision is made.

~~~

The child, a boy that Naruto names Masahiro, is the first.

Only the first in what becomes a line of many.

~~~

It becomes a modern sort of legend in the village quickly enough, the unwanted children who disappear.

The orphanages are no longer the only option.

Children turned away to sleep on doorsteps and in alleys don’t stay there for long.

The blossoms from the Lotus District will occasionally leave their unwanted buds and shoots in baskets by the roadside shrines.

They’re never there by morning.

Leaves stolen by the wind.

~~~

Sarutobi knows the truth though.

And the kindest thing he can do is make it all easier for Naruto.

Shifted funds here, an opened account there, property titles signed over and delivered on a warm evening.

It’s not much but Sarutobi does what he can to help Naruto and the little family he’s growing thrive.

~~~

Time passes.

The children Naruto takes, children of various ages but all of them to a one unwanted, blossom like flowers in the sun under the boy’s care.

Even the ones Naruto takes in that are older than him look to him for care and guidance.

Some eventually enter the Academy, more leaves for the great tree, and they are all, to a one, strong and fierce and already so well trained and loyal.

They love the village.  They speak of Naruto only in whispers and never by name.

Time passes.

Sarutobi hates himself more for reasons he can barely understand.

~~~

Itachi, like so many of the jounin and off duty shinobi in the village, goes to Sasuke’s graduation.

It is, after all, a year supposedly filled with Clan Heirs so it’s a bit more of a production than normal.

Amongst the crowd his precious little brother is pouting but proud all at the same time with his headband firmly in place.

What he’s not expecting is the sight of another graduate standing with a fresh headband in place.  The boy’s six or so at best and his green hair is bright in the sun.

“That’s Masahiro,” Sasuke grouses from Itachi’s elbow after the students have been allowed to mingle with the crowd.

Itachi blinks just a bit in shock.  His duties keep him far from the Academy besides walking Sasuke home every so often.  Somehow he hadn’t realized the Masahiro Sasuke always complained about, this year’s rookie of the year, was so young.

And then Masahiro, face calm and even, abruptly squeals, expression breaking out into such unbridled delight that all of the gathered shinobi and civilians take note.

“Papa,” Masahiro shouts, practically vibrating with delight.  “You came!!”

And then the boy’s moving with almost breathtaking speed.

Itachi’s not the only shinobi to turn to see who might be the father of this boy.

Only Itachi’s shocked by what he sees and almost certain he’s misheard.

Because Masahiro, is wrapped around another child.

The boy’s pretty in a delicate but rough sort of way that makes his age hard to pin down but he is obviously young.  Sasuke’s age at most but obviously well trained with his hair long and jagged where it’s pulled back from his face, kimono blue and flowing and headband wrapped around his waist like a belt.

Itachi, for all his familiarity with the shinobi corps overall, is sure he’s never seen him before.

“Papa,” Masahiro’s voice is loud and vibrant.  “You came, you came!”

“I promised,” the blond says softly, voice husky and surprisingly deep.

Around them the crowd murmurs.

And then others begin to move forward much to Itachi, and many of the other jonin’s shock.

“Big Brother,” a genin graduate from the year before calls out as he moves closer.  Itachi’s sure the genin is older than the blond and yet ..

And then there’s another and another, a genin here, a chunin there, all of them rustling Masahiro’s hair and turning towards the blond like flowers to the sun.

Itachi watches, confused and curious all at the same time.

And then, the blond looks up, and for a split second all Itachi can see is blue.

~~~

Later, once the crowds have dispersed, the shinobi more than likely headed toward the Tower to question Sarutobi, Itachi finds himself walking home Sasuke.

And there, on the street ahead of them, stand Masahiro and his Papa.

For a long moment all Itachi can do is stare.

And then the boy, head tilted to the side and Masahiro clinging to his kimono sleeve, steps closer.

“I remember you,” the boy says softly, golden hair gleaming in the sunlight as he brings a clawed hand up towards Itachi’s face.

“I don’t know you,” Itachi replies honestly, aware of the way Sasuke has gone still and silent beside him.

“Hmm, no one did then but you helped me once, on a mission.” The boy says.  “You were kind.  And no one was ever kind to me.  And then he told you to kill them all, the Uchiha Clan.”

Itachi’s breath catches, his heart skips a beat.  Danzo.  This boy knows about Danzo.  At his side Sasuke sucks in a sharp, ragged, breath.

“You said you loved your village and your family and then you cried,” the boy sounds almost awed by the memory as he presses his fingertips to Itachi’s cheeks.  “I’d never seen anyone else cry before.  I couldn’t let him take your family from you.”

The boy’s eyes flick in Sasuke’s direction then.

“I’m glad I killed him,” the blond whispers and then he smiles.

And in that moment Itachi falls completely in love.

[residentlesbrarian]

The Fourth Book I Read In the Dark: Of Expectations and Other Relatabilities

Of Gryphons and Other Monsters by Shannon McGee

Hey, guys, sooooo...this is aaaawwwkward. I wrote 95% of this review when I wrote the other Books I Read in the Dark series for the blog, but the ADHD hit me and COVID was still you know...a thing! So I am gonna post this review, finished of course, OH, but also pay extra close attention to the conclusion alright! Hmm...this is a bit like a time capsule...here are my concentrated thoughts from 6 months ago while I was slightly delirious on books and darkness. So go forth and uh yeah this one is...you can just feel the feral “I haven’t had access to proper internet so I’ve been curled in the corner like Gollum with my books” energy coming off it so...enjoy?

Okay, so yeah, I really didn’t have a reason to end my last review that way I just wanted to, so sue me for injecting a little excitement into a series of posts about me literally sitting in my house reading nonstop for 2 ½ days, my reviews my rules. Back to manufacturing my own excitement shall we!

It’s Day 2! I’ve just finished my last library book, whatever will I do! I could always reread The Neverending Story for the 1,273rd time, but I have a need. A need for GAY! I rack my brain, there has to be a solution. My town is without power, my local library won’t be open, but then it hits me. It’s so simple! It’s meant to be really! Like the universe knew this was coming and it made sure I was prepared! Like a prepper stockpiling mental SPAM for my stimulus needing ADHD riddled brain! I have an entire shelf of books that I haven’t read yet! Way back in Clexacon 2019 my best friend (Lookin at you @justalifelongphase) gave me way too much money from missed birthdays and Christmases all at once before the con started because the world has deemed it impossible for us to live geographically close to one another. Anyway, I went a little book-buying-crazy and have not had the time or opportunity to read any of them since then. Their time has finally come!

I figured after going full whimsy with The Lost Coast and sci-fi superhero with Dreadnought and Sovereign why not take a dip into more traditional fantasy, also this one was first in line on the shelf, yay for not having to actually make a decision! No more dawdling, let's get right into the review!

Unicorn Rating:

Blurb: Taryn always loves and hates gryphon season. She finds the lesser gryphons more cute than anything but the ever present fear that a greater gryphon might be just out of sight is terrifying, and this gryphon season proves to be the one that will change her and her families lives forever! Just let a girl herd her sheep in peace!

Disclaimer: I will try my best to not spoil anything from the book, but my book loving rambles may give more away than a traditional review. Here we go! Ramble time!

Review:

I genuinely enjoyed this book. It took me a bit longer to get through it than the others, but I think that was a combination of three things: A. I was starting to feel the fatigue of reading so much in such a short amount of time. B. Our local Wal Mart had power restored on Day 3 and our entire household went on a trip to buy non-perishable food stuffs and I was like a solitary confinement prisoner being let out into the yard for the first time in months when my phone picked up a wifi signal and it was a bit hard to get back into the swing of reading after talking to other humans, even virtually, that weren’t imaginary or in my head. C. Our power was finally restored on the afternoon of Day 3 so yet again I was inundated with the draw of technology and all of my friend-os I hadn’t talked to, but the book had drawn me in enough I did the most unmillienial thing and left my phone in a different room to charge while I finished this book before going back to the land of technology and interwebs. That should tell you something.

McGee was able to write this story in a way that pulls you in so you care about what happens to these characters and this little mountain town. You learn just enough about the world to understand where they fit within the overall weave of it, but you aren’t given a Tolkein-esc dissertation on the world lore. I felt the worries and the fears. I was concerned when the routines had to change. I mean she made me care about the freaking sheep! Sheep, people! One of the reasons I think this works so well is we are so firmly rooted in the head of our protagonist, Taryn. Imma use that lovely bridge I just built to skip right on over the plot section of the review to get to the characters first, don’t worry we’ll circle back round to the plot. I always do, but I just wanna talk about my newest set of brain babies.

Taryn is a character that, if the title of this post is anything to go by, I found very very relatable. Now I know relatability can be pretty subjective, some people can latch onto something with the all consuming, “It me!” While others just stare on dead eyed not understanding the appeal. I feel like Taryn could be that kind of protagonist. You are either going to really relate to her or you won’t understand where she is coming from at all. I obviously fall in the former category. I was the quintessential middle child, still am really, though my relationship with my parents has shifted now that I’m an adult. More mutual respect and friendship than parent to child. I always did my best to pick up the slack, if ever there was any, and just tried my best to be as little of a burden as possible to my parents. I see so much of that aspect of myself in Taryn and how she sees her place at the farm and even in the town, she has her place and her role, but those expectations are heavy. One of those expectations being that she will inevitably get married and help take over the farm from her parents and have kids to continue the line. The fact she finds the lesser gryphons that flock near the farm far cuter than any of the local boys that she will eventually have to choose from to fulfill that inevitable expectation is just...sad at best and down right tragic at worst. And her family doesn’t help matters either. They won’t let her forget that she will have to settle down with one of these local boys, a boy who would make a good husband and take good care of her and the farm. She knows that, logically, but she also wants to be in love, like her parents, and she just doesn’t feel like that for any of the boys in town. She doesn’t know how to make those two things line up. It’s a struggle between her head, the obligation of what she has to do, and her heart, what she really wants for her future, to be happy in doing what she has to do. Wow, I went off a little bit there, but this was my long winded way of saying I have never read a protagonist that really captured the utter confusion of being raised in a heteronormative environment without it being drenched in internalized homophobia and fear. Protagonists like this seem to always know something is off but just don’t have the words for it so they just hide it because they know it’s “different” and out of the norm, but Taryn is just livin’ her sheep herding life and ain’t got no time for these boy crazy fools. She knows her mom wants her to find a good boy to court her so she can marry someday but she’s still young. She’ll think about that tomorrow, and she just repeats that ad infinitum. The thought that maybe she doesn’t fancy any of the boys because well...girls...never even occurred to her. It's not how things are done in this small mountain town, not because of homophobia reasons, but just stubborn tradition reasons. We are even told there is a gay couple living in town who are staples in the overall dynamics in town, instrumental even, but the idea of having a lineage, being able to pass your land down is so ingrained no wonder poor Taryn was so in the dark about her own probable gayness till it slapped her in the face. As someone who was raised in a medium sized Oklahoma town...girl I feel you. I was 22 and in the middle of Appalacia, way up in the mountains for college when my gay awakening popped up and said “Hello!” Everything that never quite made sense in my life came into perfect clarity. Not quite what happened with Taryn, but the arrival of Aella surely helped, as pretty girls are want to do. Oh look a segue, good, cause I could talk about Taryn for literal hours and I’ve already gabbed about her too much for this review.

Aella, you smooth motherfucker. Like I wish I could possess a quarter of the smoothness that you do. Like I’m lucky to string sentences together around a pretty girl, but here you are just strutting about being the smoothest of smooth. Honestly, I just...I can’t with you Aella. On a serious note though Aella is a character that served as showing Taryn a glimpse at the world beyond her small mountain town, as much as she had no desire to leave, unlike her brother. Nope, sit down, we’ll get to you, Michael! Oh, we’ll get to you. She’s traveled and has stories from all over and she is fairly open about the fact that she only likes girls, but she doesn’t have land, responsibilities, and a family line to continue. She just gets to live her life the way she choses. And y’all know I am a sap for the hard dark characters that are totally softies underneath that rough exterior. I think Aella was a great foil to Taryn and great at showing her what she could have if she was willing to leave, to stretch what she was allowed to wish for, but of course the biggest issue with her wishing for anything was...Michael.

Michael was such an interesting character. I loved him. I hated him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to punch him. Again as with the town and the people of the town I was so deep seated in Taryn’s head and feelings that her conflicted feelings about Michael and how he was acting became my feelings on the matter. Not enough to not separate a tad and see what was coming or at least try to predict it as I always do when reading, but emotionally I was right with Taryn the whole way. The one thing that really pushed Michael from just a character I was conflicted about to one I really wanna give a swift kick in the nads to, is that he knew. He knew all about Taryn’s absolute lack of romantic inclinations toward any of the boys in town and her doubts that she would ever find someone to love and marry to take over the farm. He was the only person she confided these fears in and he still selfishly followed his own pursuits with little regard to her or her worries. You sir, are a terrible brother and overall a shit human, so sit your ass down and shut your mouth.

The plot for this book was so embroiled with the characters and their journeys that I can’t talk on it much but the twists at the end and the final climax was very satisfying for me and left me excited to dig into the next book. Also something of note that I didn’t talk about in the character section cause I felt it was dragging on a touch, I really only talked in depth on our three biggest players but there is a very colorful cast of side characters ranging from Taryn’s nervous pony to the boy-who-cried-gryphon neighbor no one can stand to the troupe of hunters led by Aella’s mother to Taryn’s best friend Nia, all of whom play important parts in building that sense of caring about the people of this town and the town itself, which in turn made me deeply care about the outcome of the plot at the heart of the story. And the sheep! The god damn sheep!

One thing I do want to say before my final thoughts is that whoever designed the cover of this book in a genius because as I dug into the story I found myself constantly closing it to spout off about theories of what I thought was happening on the cover and what it all meant, I was kind of reader fatigue delirious for most of those theories but some of them I was right! I might have reenacted the Captain Holt “Vindication” gif IRL just because it felt too good not to. I just love when a “cool” cover turns out to be so much more than that once you’re “in the know”. So yeah, now y’all know to pay attention for that.

My final thoughts on this book are pretty positive. I can tell the author is building us toward so much more, hence the name of the series, Taryn’s Journey, and it feels like it. This is only the beginning and I honestly can’t wait to take the next steps with her.

Queer Wrap-up:

Hey it’s me from the future...present...whatever...so, this is when I stopped writing the review six months ago and there is a reason for that. I, kind of, agonized over what to rate this book on the scale. Multiple times having to call my brother and go back and forth just to then repeat the same arguments with myself as soon as I got off the phone. Now why was this such a hard terrible no good awful back and forth well...SPOILER WARNING...seriously anything past this point will be spoiling some character beats for the majority of the book...okay? We understand one another. DANGER ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE...or you know scroll on.

So, Taryn is never confirmed to be queer in the text of this book. Now you would have to be wearing the tightest hetero goggles in known history not to see the heavy HEAVY subtext saying THIS BITCH GAY! It’s basically a full grown elephant painted sparkly rainbow trying to hide behind a dead shrub aka not hiding at all. I so desperately wanted to give this book four of those darling unicorns but in this rare case I just don’t think I can justify it. We have a protagonist that is still figuring herself out, which is amazing that we get to see that and go on the journey with her. Some of the things Taryn does and thinks are queer coded as hell, especially if it involves Aella who is explicitly gay on the page, but Taryn herself never express whether she herself is queer. Which, fair, other really important and traumatizing things were going on and I love that about her as a character, she didn’t meet Aella and suddenly that was all she could think about. Aella, of course, is representation who I’m counting because even though she shows obvious interest (you smooth motherfucker) in Taryn she is so much more than just a love interest and her character isn’t just boiled down to her sexuality. Now in this wrap up I’m also including the doctor and his husband in the town. They are very minor characters but they give us interesting insights into the town and the people. They are accepted and treated well in town even if some do almost, pity isn’t the right word, but they seem sad that they won’t be able to have any kind of legacy or lineage. As I said in the review it’s not homophobia it’s being stuck in your ways and it’s an interesting take.

Links:

Shannon McGee Website

The Storygraph

Okay so this one is a bit of a mess. Pieces of it were written 6 months apart and most of it was written while I was kind of delirious but hey at least I can say it’s honest. I still stand by everything my past self wrote and I still really enjoy thinking and talking about this book and am excited for whenever I get around to reading the sequel to continue on Tayrn’s journey with her. This is a book I probably would never have known even existed without ClexaCon and trolling through artist alley for literally every table that had books on them. I guess, moral of the day is maybe you won’t just find great books on library shelves but on unassuming convention tables too and it never hurts to look. Trust me, I’m a lesbrarian.

Oh bet you thought this post was over. I did the sign off and everything but oh no no! I have some info and such to impart. I am WELL AWARE these reviews have been fairly inconsistent to down right sporadic. Well, this is just a little info dump letting you guys know I am gonna be putting up one more review after this one that I wrote ages ago and I mean AGES (think years, as in multiple) and just never got around to posting and then the old blog is probably gonna be going through a PLANNED dormancy while some pretty big stuff is coming down the pike. You may notice visual changes and other stuff before anything else is announced but just keep an eye out. To quote the Fates from Hercules, “It’s gonna be big!”

Okay now for the actual sign off, I got shit to do! No one look behind the curtain, it’s a surprise!

[bibliophilicwitch]

Okay this is going to be a pretty big update related to work. And it’s gonna be pretty big because I haven’t been writing my rambling posts lately because I’ve been too busy at work when I normally would’ve gotten my feelings written down. idk how many are interested in this these days, but I know I’ve had followers that found my work updates interesting.

As you may remember I worked as a supervisor at a fabric store for many years and was worked into the ground with a horrible pittance for my effort. That company folded and I worked at Target for just over a year at the front end to utilize my management skills, but I realized that I had basically learned everything I could in such retail settings and I wasn’t happy. So I left and ended up working for Shopko pharmacy... for about a year until they also folded.

So the last two years I have been working at a Kroger pharmacy. I will be blunt - I am not a fan of Kroger though the reasons why are not specific to just Kroger but are evident in most retail pharmacy chains (and corporate customer service in general).

When we started administering COVID vaccines it was... rough. It wasn’t quite as horrible as the first few months after opening the new pharmacy because now we have learned a lot and know how to do most of what we’re doing and overall our patients are not abusing us as they had early on. But we are running around 26 vaccines over the course of two hours and not processing and dispensing medications during that time so we then spend the rest of the day frantically attempting to catch up while all of our patients that had to wait until we resumed daily services flooded us at once. We were short a tech for nearly three months and she has just returned and I already noticed the difference this past week. This means that now we are not spread thin with no extra coverage but instead no longer have to pick up tons of extra hours on top of having no extra coverage to help catch up from the vaccine clinic.

A few weeks ago I stayed over five hours after my shift, two of which during closed hours, and even two techs working literally all day including after closing with the pharmacist and getting caught up on several projects wasn’t enough because by noon the next day we were already sinking. It was at that point that I determined I was done. It didn’t matter how much we tried, we couldn’t get ahead and this meant that every day it felt like we were terrible techs unable to do our jobs competently. 

I didn’t have any deadlines or programs at the library the following Monday so I decided to use my first vacation day in over a year for a three-day weekend only to be asked if I could come in Monday evening at the pharmacy because it was such a shit show. I decided not to go in because we are very limited on what we can do after 5 anyways but I felt so damn guilty about it so a few days later I started job hunting with the goal of looking for something that will use the different skillsets I have developed at the library hopefully I can find a part-time job running a local business’s social media though that isn’t very likely in the small community I live in. All I know is that I am Done with pharmacy.

Meanwhile about ten years ago I started working at the circulation desk at my local library and found I was truly passionate about libraryship as a career. I’ve wanted to work in technical services processing books full-time for years, but technology and the changes of how libraries run means this is not a likely option unless I am at a much larger library. Around five years ago I kinda fell into the program and volunteer coordinator position and while I have had to manage many challenges and work to improve myself to meet those challenges it has been a good experience. Unfortunately it is only a 20hr position and after years of telling my director I would like more hours and I could bring so much more to the position if I had those hours, she kept hesitating to explore that.

This past year my old director retired and we hired a new director. This director has experience at libraries that had dedicated positions for building and managing an online presence and reaching communities in a variety of ways, so when she heard the ideas and suggestions I made throughout the pandemic while we were offering services virtually and determining that we had a HORRIBLE online presence it became an interest to her to possibly utilize my skillset to build that online presence. She tasked me with working on social media plans only to realize I was overburdened with programming at 20 hours and unable to put time into social media so she stepped that back.

The need to build our online presence hasn’t gone away though as Youth Services posts all their virtual programs via Facebook Live and has been sharing many other posts and Adult Services has stepped up their game as well meaning posting conflicts have started to be an issue since everyone has basically just been posting whatever they want with little to no consistency or branding. So my director tasked me with herding cats even though there has been no recognition of my role as a leader leading to me not wanting to overstep.

I asked my director in my bi-monthly meeting about a desire for more hours as well as a better understanding of my role in the future of our library. My city fucked up their budget a year or two ago and with COVID our hours and positions are actually on a freeze so I cannot get more hours though my director does have the goal of getting more hours to a few positions including mine. We are joining our local system this year which may mean we do not need our technical services positions so if any of them leave those hours could be allocated elsewhere. I just have no idea when these hours could become available. But this conversation did lead to giving all of programming to Adult Services and having my job become marketing and volunteer coordinator instead of program and volunteer coordinator.

My only concern is that this change may mean my position doesn’t need more hours later down the road? And that is literally all I want: a full-time position at my current library (since I am settled into this community) so I can work one damn job and have benefits. (My teeth have been a mess for years and yesterday I ate a nut wrong and was in so much pain I left one job early and called in sick to the other.)

Over the past couple of years Youth Services has started tasking each of their staff with planning and running their own programs and our goal is to do something similar with Adult Services. The biggest issue with that is that my current programs may not really play to any of Adult Services strengths, so some of my programs may be dissolved later this year.

I suspect Garden Guru which we market and host but is planned and presented by Master Gardener Volunteers will continue as it is fantastic series with minimal work on our end. We will probably end up changing around book club a fair bit which is fine as it has always been in a state of flux as I worked to figure out how to make it work well. Paint & Sip hasn’t been run in over a year due to the pandemic but will likely continue in some form. Make & Mingle has been monthly kits which is EXTREMELY time consuming and will likely be changed a fair bit when taken over by Adult Services at least during the transition and probably afterwards as they plan for its future.

Paint & Sip’s popularity has been my biggest frustration over the years but it and Make & Mingle have also been the most gratifying for me as I have always gotten the most positive feedback during and after those programs from participants. Also my office is basically a craft storage space and I am going to miss being known for the crafts.

I need to write up a new job description. I need to write out my programming planning and organization for Adult Services as a guide as they take over. I need to continue moving the Google Drive folders from my personal Google to the library’s new Gmail so that Adult Services will have control over them. I need to make sure these programs are all planned out enough to make sure transition is relatively smooth (Adult Services staff will either shadow my programs a few times or I will shadow with them as they take over and I figure I will work with the staff picking up different programs for transition plans).

So yeah... a fuck ton has been going on the last several months both overwhelming and exciting.

[all1e23]

Between the Stars [Pt.3]

Pairings: Past!Steve x Reader, Bucky x  Reader

Series warnings: CHARACTER DEATH. Grief. Overall sadness. Depression. It’s pretty angsty if I’m being honest. Things mellow out as the series goes on. TW: Military/Spouse death

A/N:  Each chapter is a month since steve has been gone as a reminder because this chapter does pick up the morning after Bucky arrived home. Big thanks to my pizza love @moonbeambucky​ for looking it over for me. As always for this series, flashback are italicized. If you like it write a book report, sing me a song or come scream at me. Remember not to judge everyone too harshly till all the secrets come out. ;-)

***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam, though! Thanks!****

“What’s missin’ in here?” 

Bucky stood in the living room, surveying the 420 square feet, coffee in hand, and squinting. You were both tired even after finishing off a pot of coffee between the two of you. Last night ended much like it started; in tears. You weren’t sure how long you cried or how long Bucky held you. There was a lot you needed to get off your chest, a weight you let Bucky carry for a few hours. This morning the burden was back resting heavily on your heart. It was your hardship to carry after all, not Bucky’s. 

He had his own you suspected. 

You stayed quiet as you watched his eyes move around the open floor plan, glancing from the dining to the living room. His eyes flicked along the bookcases lining the staircase, the tan leather sectional, and the two cream color chairs that Steve hated. You had a massive fight over those chairs, a real knock-down-drag-out. Steve didn’t want them. “Why would we buy white furniture when we are going to have kids? They will be covered in stains.” You had argued they weren’t white, they were cream. Things only escalated when you told him you wouldn’t have kids for a few more years anyway, and by then, they would be old enough that a few stains from sticky hands would be okay. Steve had thought kids would come along much sooner, it seemed. You simply couldn’t see how that would work while he was enlisted, and he thought the two of you could get through anything together; lack of communication and assumptions. Steve slept on the couch that night. If only you could go back and say sorry, beg him to come back to bed instead of being stubborn and staying mad to prove a point. 

What you would give to be able to go back and relive it all again, even the bad moments because they always turned into the next good ones. 

Bucky took a step towards the empty space by the front window, the sound of his boots on the hardwood made your heart clench. It was hard to miss now. The whole room looked uneven, looked off. Bucky spun back around to face you and asked gently, voice barely above a whisper, “What happened to your piano?” 

You’ve been waiting for the shoe to drop since Bucky showed up yesterday evening; he spotted the change faster than Sam had. 

“I sold it.” 

Bucky didn’t move or make a sound at your admission. His face stayed impassive, and after a few moments of silence, he simply nodded. The subject was dropped. Sam had flipped his lid when he saw that you had really gone through with selling it, “You loved playing! You shouldn’t be making big decisions like that right now, ones you might regret later.” You didn’t understand why Sam was so shocked, you made it clear that you were done with that life. It didn’t bother you, so it shouldn’t worry Sam. At least, Bucky didn't care. Perhaps he was only better at hiding it; if Bucky was disappointed in you, he made no outward show of it.  

“What plans do you have today?” 

You regarded Bucky with a blank stare over your steaming mug and shrugged a shoulder. You couldn't remember the last time you made plans or filled your day with something over than hiding away in your house. Over the previous two months, your days have consisted of avoiding everyone that you could and staying locked in the safety of the walls you built with Steve. It was the one place no one could judge you for still loving your husband. 

“All right. All right.” Bucky blew out a breath and rested his elbows on the kitchen counter, immediately going into fix-it mode. “Here’s what I was thinkin’ for today--”

You couldn’t help but take in the way Bucky was leaning against the white stone as he talked about the plans he had in mind for the day, what he thought the two of you should try to accomplish today, but you weren’t listening. It wasn’t that you were actively trying to ignore him, but there was something about his hair cut that short, and the way he was watching you as he spoke made you think of times that had long since past. When you were just a bunch of kids with no idea how the world worked or what it meant to be in love. 

“Hey, Trouble.” 

The deep voice calling you made you jump, you turned to see who the culprit was and narrowed your eyes when you saw Bucky holding back his chuckle. The scowl you were giving him looked menacing enough to scare most men off, but it only made the hold Bucky had on his laughter break. You dug an elbow into his ribs, and the groan that slipped from his lips was for your benefit, you were sure. Stupid cute boy. Bucky leaned against the railing, resting on his elbows and doing everything he could to keep his eyes focused on the water rippling under the wood beneath your feet. 

You weren’t sure what reasons Bucky had when he came looking for you because he was actively avoiding meeting your gaze now that he was by your side.

“Sorry,” Bucky said, soft and unsure. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

You smiled at the sincerity in his voice. Bucky rarely let himself be soft and vulnerable when everyone was gathered together like this, in party mode, but that was the side of him you saw more often than not; a secret piece of Bucky only you got to see. 

“It’s okay. I’ve seen one too many horror movies. I feel like Jason is going to come up out of the lake or something,” you said with a shiver and instinctively slid closer to Bucky, letting your arms brush against his. This time you only glanced at him out of the corner of your eye, and he was grinning as if he found something so funny about the situation the two of you were in. 

He wouldn’t find it funny when a swamp monster trudged through the mud and ate you both. 

Bucky leaned his head towards your, still eyeing that same dumb piece of wood bobbing in the rough motions of the lake, the proximity of his lips to your ear made your skin tingle, and he whispered in your ear, “I’ll protect you, Y/n. I promise I’ll always protect you.” 

You turned to face him, and he finally pulled his attention away from that ugly log so he could stare into your eyes. How could they look so blue when it was this dark outside? You swallowed the lump in your throat, worrying your already reddened lip between your teeth and whispered so softly you were scared he wouldn’t hear you, and you wouldn’t find the courage to repeat it.

“Always saving me. How’d I get so lucky to have a friend like you, Buck?”

You have no idea why you said that. It was so stupid! Yes, you were friends, and if you kept saying things like that, things would stay that way. At this rate, you were never going to get a chance to find out if there was something beyond this silly little crush you’ve developed. 

Why didn’t you tell him? Your brain hissed at you. You’re just a big scaredy-cat. 

“Y/n?” 

The firmness in Bucky’s voice brought you back, you shook your head to clear it of the times past and quickly followed it with a nod as if you were answering a question, but you had no idea what was said. Bucky didn’t mention your momentary blackout, but he did take the cup from your hands because your fingers were trembling, and you had yet to notice. You wrung them together to stop them from shaking, but they continued on.

“Have you been by to see Sarah?" Bucky asked again, picking up where he left off without missing a beat.  

You cleared your throat and shifted from one foot to the other, your guilt was shining through loud and clear. No, you had not been by. You had intended to and even tried a few times, only ever made it to the end of the driveway before you retreated back inside and crawled into your bed. It was too hard, and you didn’t think you could face her after everything. It was as if Steve was staring back at you, and that hurt more than your heart could handle. Bucky sighed and pulled your jacket off the hook hanging in the kitchen, holding it out for you to take and gently urged you, “Come on Trouble. I’ll go with you.” 

You grumbled something snarky under your breath that Bucky couldn’t make out, but it made him smile regardless. Your jacket was still hanging off his fingers, so you yanked it off and tucked it under your arm, refusing to let him win every battle today.

“I was thinkin’ we could stop in at Dixie’s on the way.” 

“I’m not hungry,” you grumped, a sour face and firm pout in place.

Bucky held the screen door for you and raised a brow with a smirk curling up the edges of lips, “I didn’t say you had to eat. I’m starving, and I’ve missed their stuffed french toast.” 

Your frown deepened at Bucky’s words and trudged across the yard through the snow to Steve’s truck. There was that stomach sinking expectation that he was trying to force you to eat, the same way everyone else did when they saw you. As if they were trying to cure your grief with casseroles and baked goods, not Bucky, though. He opened the door, and you climbed up into the passenger seat without second-guessing the action. Bucky made his way into the driver’s seat and pulled Steve’s keys out of his pocket; you never even saw him grab them.

It was quiet in the cab as Bucky fiddled with the radio, leaving it low once he had found a song he liked. You turned your gaze towards the window, and after several minutes of silence, you rolled your eyes, admitting with a huff, “I do like their french toast. They do that thing where they put the caramelized bananas on top, and the one with the cream cheese in the middle is pretty good.” 

A small smile formed, but Bucky didn’t say anything. He was smart enough to stay quiet. 

---

Despite having to face your mother-in-law for the first time in two months, you surprisingly felt better than you had this morning. All that sugar from Dixie’s helped. Even though you didn’t want to admit it, it felt good to do normal, everyday things again. Things you would have done with Steve or even before him. It didn’t make you a bad wife to go to breakfast with a friend or to order Steve’s favorite instead of avoiding it. It was okay to laugh a little when Bucky dribbled syrup down his grey Henley and missed the bit in the stubble that was beginning to grow back. Spending time outside the darkness didn’t mean you loved Steve any less or that you had to move on if you weren’t ready to. It simply meant the world continued on, and it was okay for you to do the same when it was time. 

That was a nice reminder, though, standing in front of your mother-in-law's door made it feel as if everything was at a standstill once again and the high from all that sugar was fading fast. You raised your hand to open the back door four or five times, but you couldn’t force yourself to touch the handle. Sarah had her own mourning to work through and didn’t need to add yours on top of it. She shouldn’t have to comfort you, and you were in no shape to console her.

Bucky’s knuckles ran up and down your spine to soothe the jitters you were emitting, he encouraged gently, “Go on, Trouble. She loves you. I know she’ll be excited to see you.” 

You took a deep breath and pushed the backdoor open, it creaked which made you smile. Steve would have complained about adding a little something to grease the hinges, so it wasn’t so loud. Sarah would say no, she liked to hear it squeak when you came in. Sarah’s eyes widened when you stepped through the door, but they quickly lit up with excitement. She was in the same spot as always, sitting at the kitchen table with the newspaper in front of her, thin blonde hair pulled into a bun on the top of her head, and you might have been wrong, but it looked like she was wearing one of Steve’s old shirts. Sarah pulled her glasses off, rising from her chair before you could tell her to stay. 

“Hey, sweetheart. I didn’t expect you to drop by…” 

Her words died off, and her smile quickly fell when Bucky stepped through the door, dusted off his boots on the mat, and smiled at her. It was obvious she was excited to see him, but there was a shake in her hand and a mist in her eyes no one could miss when he spoke, "Hey, Mama R." 

“I-I spoke to Winnie this morning. She didn’t think you would be stopping by right away,” Sarah stopped to give you a hug and whispered she loved you before she reached for Bucky and pulled him into a hug only a mother could provide. Bucky seemed happy to be on the receiving end, “Are you kiddin'? I had to come see you. I’m not home till I do.” 

Maybe it was what Bucky had said or the tenderness in his voice when he said, but it broke whatever glue Sarah was using to hold herself together. You took a few steps back and let your weight sag back against the counter, Bucky stood in the doorway holding Sarah, and you heard her choked whispers from where you were hiding, “Did it-- Were you there? Was it--” 

He shook his head, answering her unspoken question, was it bloody and painful. Bucky assured her, “Yeah, I was there. It was quick, and he wasn’t in any pain. I promise.” 

You met Bucky’s eyes over her shoulder, and he quickly dropped your gaze, his focus back on Sarah and comforting her the best he could. Bucky was lying. You knew him well enough to know when he was telling tall tales and right then was the tallest he’s told. Either he wasn’t with Steve when it happened, or it wasn’t as quick as he was claiming. 

Sarah was quick to wipe her eyes and pretend it never happened. She offered to make lunch, and despite your efforts to stop her by informing her you just came from breakfast, she began cooking anyway. You wanted to protest, but Bucky shook his head, so you let it go. Sarah was only trying to fix what she could, she couldn’t bring Steve back, but she could make ridiculously good turkey Reuben. Steve wasn’t mentioned the rest of the five-hour visit, and you had a feeling it was done for your benefit. It should have been a relief because the last thing you want to do is breakdown in front of Bucky or Sarah, but it only made you angry. 

Would they talk about Steve if you weren’t around? Would they share secrets and memories? Would Bucky have told her what happened to Steve if only you hadn’t come? It wasn’t fair of you to be angry with either of them, but nothing was fair about any of this. 

The ride back to your house was silent. You barely spoke five words to Bucky through lunch, and even though you promised you would soon, you weren’t sure when you would go back to Sarah’s. It wasn’t as hard as you expected, but today had been exhausting. Bucky never turned the radio on, and you were grateful. The quiet gave you a chance to hear the whistle in the wind as the trees rustled and listen for leaves blown by your window. It was a pretty whisper that made your skin prickle, you had forgotten how pretty spring could be. 

Bucky gave you space you so desperately needed once you got home. You bolted towards your bedroom the moment the front door opened. It wasn’t him you were running from. You hoped he knew that, so you left your door cracked. The stale air of your bedroom felt like you were suffocating, and the sight of your blankets in a heap on the top of your mattress only added to your unease. With the window cracked and one of Steve’s shirt now replacing yours, you slowly started to untangle the sheets and gathered your throw pillows off the floor in the corner of the room. Baby steps. That was what Sam was always telling you. So, maybe you start with making your bed. It wasn’t like anyone would know if you gave up. You were all alone. There was a soft knock on your door, and you looked up to find Bucky standing awkwardly in your doorway. 

“Everything okay?”

Bucky cleared his throat and gave you a curt nod. There was something dark in his hands, and he was gripping it so tightly you thought for sure it would rip in two. The stiffness in his frame made you stop, drop the throw pillow in your hand onto the end of the bed, and you took a step towards him. You inspected the hand he was holding out, and your chest tightened when you realized what it was.  

“I wanted to make sure you got this back.” 

Bucky brought your scarf back home. 

“He would want you to know it was with him when it happened. He had you with him when it happened.” 

You ran your fingers along the frayed threads and the new holes that were littered throughout. You could see spots where the sun had faded it, the darker pieces where he tucked it into his shirt. “I, uh, I didn’t wash it. I kept it wrapped in one of his shirts. I didn’t know if...” 

You brought it up to your nose to take a breath and smiled at the familiar earthy citrus scent. When they told you Steve was lost during a mission, you assumed you would never see it again. It was nice to hear Steve wasn’t lying all those times he told you he took it with him, it never left his side just like he promised and it was nice to have that piece of him back.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

Bucky shrugged his shoulder and gestured towards the end of the hall, where he would be if you wanted him. You weren’t going to say anything. The plan was to stay in your room for the rest of the night and wallow, but now… you didn’t want to be alone and holding that thin fabric between your fingers; you had to ask. With Steve’s scarf resting on the corner of your bed, you called out for Bucky before he could leave your sight. 

“Hm?” 

Bucky stopped short and leaned against the doorframe as if he was preparing himself for what you were about to ask. You’ve always been able to read each other, there was no doubt he knew what was coming. 

“It wasn’t quick, was it?” 

Bucky only shook his head in response. It wasn’t an answer to your question, he wasn’t going to answer you right now. He didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe that was for your benefit, or perhaps he simply couldn’t talk about it yet. Either way, you wouldn’t push him.

“W-would you want to, um, have dinner with me?” Your voice cracked when you asked. He caught it, but you pressed on, ignoring the concern darkening his eyes, “I don’t have any groceries. I haven’t been getting out much. There was a thing with a pie--” 

“Thing with a pie?” Bucky interrupted with a curious tilt of the head and playful smirk forming. 

You rolled your eyes and brushed it off with a wave of your hand. 

“It’s not important. People are nosy, and sometimes baked goods make you emotional, okay? It’s normal… Just-- nevermind. I was thinking we could heat up one of those stupid frozen dinners everyone keeps bringing by and stuffing in my freezer.” 

Bucky chuckled and waved his hand, silently telling you to lead the way, “Yeah, let’s go see what we’ve got, but I’m handling the stove.” 

“It’s just warming it up, Buck.” 

“Still,” Bucky whistled lowly, wearing that silly smirk. “I don’t wanna risk it, Trouble.” 

As hard as you tried to fight, you found yourself smiling for the first time in a long, long time. 

--

The next four weeks continued to drag on like every week since Steve has been gone. The hours crawled by, the minutes took forever to pass, and you counted the seconds until you could hide away in your room. Bucky didn’t smother you, but he did hover. He liked to check-in by walking by your room, never saying anything, just glancing towards your bed where he often found you. Bucky didn’t crowd you the way Sam had, but you knew he was taking notice of your lack of sleep and your poor eating habits from the moment he arrived. It wasn’t that you were purposely skipping meals; you had no appetite and forcing yourself to eat felt like torture some days. Your appetite had improved some since Bucky came home, but you still rarely venture out of the house or do much of anything.  Most of your days were spent hiding in your room, and your nights were spent on the back deck. 

It was the best place to stare at the stars.

That’s where Bucky found you yet again, you heard the sliding door rolling along the tracks and Bucky’s bare feet getting closer and closer with each step. Bucky was getting a glass of water like he did every night. He wasn’t the only one paying attention. Bucky slowly sat down next to you, letting his legs hang off the deck like yours but didn’t say anything. It was becoming somewhat of a nightly tradition, and most nights, you didn’t talk. Sometimes you didn’t even mind having the company, other nights weren’t so giving. You turned your head after several silent beats and looked at the man sitting next to you. Bucky gave you a small inquisitive smile, and you shrugged your shoulder. Bucky grinned and leaned his own arms on the railing, mimicking your stance and followed your gaze to the sky.

“So, why are you always out here? I come down every night, and I see you sitting in the same spot.”

It was a fair question, but the answer wasn’t so easy to give. 

“I don’t sleep much anymore.”

Bucky understood that better than most. He really did. Bucky had once told you between the things he had seen and the things he had done, he found it hard to close his eyes and rest. Sleep often meant nightmares, and lately, you had a feeling those were filled with images of Steve. Bucky gazed up at whatever set of stars you were trying to spot through the tears in your eyes, the ones you tried to hide when he came outside. 

Thankfully, Bucky would never bring them up.

“The house feels confining sometimes, but I’m not ready to leave it. It’s quiet, and my bed is cold. Empty. I don’t like it. And…” You sighed heavily and quietly admitted, “I like looking up at the stars. I feel like wherever he is, maybe he’s looking down at the same time I'm looking up. Feels like he’s not fully gone when I do that. It sounds stupid, I know.” 

“It doesn’t sound stupid, Y/n.” 

Bucky tore his eyes away from the sky and looked back at you. He shook his head and let out an amused sigh, "He used to say the same thing. A lot actually. Which didn’t make a lot of sense because our night was usually your day, but he said he liked to look up at the stars hoping you were doing the same and thinking about him." 

You smiled at the thought.

“Why are you downstairs every night? Checking up on me?” You nudged Bucky with your shoulder, and he gave you a gentle nudge back before answering.  

“Hmm. Nightmares. Things I’d rather not see a lot of. I try to avoid them if I can.” 

You hummed in understanding. Even if he hadn’t confided in you years ago about the things that haunted him when he closed his eyes, you knew about nightmares. You were constantly running from yours. The bags under your eyes and the constant yawning was the first sign that sleep no longer came easily. 

“Come on, Trouble,” Bucky urged you as he slowly stood and held his hand out for you. You looked up at him, brow furrowed with a question burning in your eyes; it was three in the morning, where could he possibly want to take you?

“Come on?” you repeated, hoping he would elaborate. 

“Let’s go lay down.” 

Your face went dark, and you looked back up at the stars, shutting down the offer. You couldn't sleep. Bucky tucking you in wouldn't change that. The bed was far too big now, with a cold side that never felt right and left you with an empty chest when you woke. 

"I’ll hold you until you fall asleep. I’ll stay with you, so it doesn’t feel so empty,” Bucky whispered as if he knew all the thoughts bouncing around your head. You slowly reached out and took his hand, letting him help you to your feet. He didn’t let go. Bucky held your hand as he led you through the house. He paused at your bedroom door and waited. It was the space you shared with Steve, and he wasn’t going to step into that territory unless you made it clear it was okay to do so. 

“Can you wait a second?” You whispered. 

Bucky nodded and released your hand so you could slip behind the door. A few minutes later, you stepped into the hallways wearing a baby blue tank top and matching cotton shorts, holding a pillow to your chest. It was Steve’s. You both knew it was. There was no reason to dwell on it or make an outward admission. You waited for Bucky to grab your hand and lead you back to the guest room that he had moved into, staring at his bed covered in more than enough pillows you’re filled with a bit of embarrassment and remorse. 

Bucky was only trying to help. 

“I’m sorry--” 

Bucky quickly pulled you into his arms and shook his head, soothing you with all those pillows bearing witness, “Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for. Some wouldn’t understand, but I do. I get it. We’re okay, Y/n."  

You nodded even though you didn't feel any better about it, and glanced at his bed. It was the same size as yours, but this one looked much smaller now that you were sharing it with someone else. It’s been nearly two years since you shared a bed with someone else, and you weren’t sure if it was better or worse than sleeping alone.

Steve was always the big spoon. Always. There were rare moments when he would let you carry his troubles and let you hold him, but those didn’t come along often. You didn’t want to do that. It felt wrong even though there wasn't anything indecent about Bucky's offer. The offer was derived from his love for Steve, and for you, he was worried about you, and it was plain to see despite his best efforts to show you otherwise. You could give him an inch, and sleeping didn’t sound so bad after all the nights you have spent struggling to rest. Bucky waited for you to get comfortable; finally, you settled on your side, facing him with Steve’s pillow resting comfortably behind your back as if Steve was holding you, and he gave you a small smile. 

You were stiff when he wrapped his arm around you and pulled you towards him, so your head rested on his chest. It felt odd to let someone other than Steve hold you. Not that you haven't curled up next to Bucky on the couch during a movie or held his hand at Coney island. You’ve felt his lips on your forehead more times than you could count. That was a long time ago, though. Back when you all were just friends, and you thought maybe Bucky had feelings for you. Before that night, the night that changed everything, before vows had been exchanged and the Army, Bucky always seemed to be buzzing around you. He would walk you to class, bring lunch by your dorm whenever he could, Bucky would stay long after everyone else went home and held your hand whenever it was free to hold. 

There was a second, a fleeting twinkle when you thought he was finally going to admit he had feelings for you but, Bucky never said anything. 

Then Steve happened. 

Things between you and Bucky changed fairly quickly once Steve kissed you. Bucky no longer reached for your hand when it was bare. He was quiet. Distant. It took a few months before Bucky finally seemed to be himself again when the three of you were together. Things had changed, you didn't blame him. Steve had, only a little before you talked some sense into him and assured him it would take time for everyone to get used to the new dynamic. Steve had said, Bucky better get used to it because this, you and him, was forever. Forever wasn't quite as long as you or Steve thought it turned out.

“Did Steve ever tell you about the time I caught him fighting two guys double his size behind that old Pizza Hut, holding nothing but one of those red plastic trays as some sorta shield?” 

You chuckled through your sniffles and shook your head as best you could against his chest. The tension in your shoulders lifted enough that you began to relax, and Bucky ran a hand up and down your arm to help take the rest of the weight you were forcing on yourself.

“No, what happened?” 

Bucky snorted, and you knew the look he was wearing. The same look of indignation he wore every time Steve ran headfirst into trouble without thinking of the consequences. 

“Nothin’ good. Little punk ended up with a broken nose, and I lost most of my paycheck tryin' to cool them off enough to leave before they pummeled him into the ground. Then he gets mad at me for stepping in.” 

You tucked your head further into his chest to hide your smile and mumbled against the soft cotton of his shirt. “Lemme guess, he had it under control?” 

Bucky gave your arm a squeeze and confirmed, “Yeah, he had it under control.” 

“Tell me more stories.” You begged quietly, “Please?” 

Bucky was quiet for a few moments, and then his chest rumbled under your ear, “Let’s see, all right. All right. I got one. In fifth grade--” 

Bucky talked until your breath evened out, and soon you were snoozing soundly against his chest. He hoped tonight your nightmares would give you both one night of peaceful sleep, but he wasn’t counting on it. 

The night was coming to an end, and you spent most of it watching Wanda attempting (and failing) to stop Pietro from flirting with every girl present, Clint and Nat making out by the fire all night long and Sam having several serious conversations with Bucky. Dot was still fawning all over Bucky after she got her claws in him and pulled him off the dock and away from you. Not that, that was unusual when everyone got together. She was always all over Bucky. Everyone seemed to have someone and that someone wasn’t you. Even Steve was avoiding you tonight for a reason you couldn't begin to understand. Maybe it was time to throw in the red Solo cup and head home. 

“Y/n?” 

You spun around to see Steve standing behind you, looking out of sorts and a little nervous.  “Hey, Stevie.” 

“Hey. Hi...” Steve gnawed his bottom lip and stared at the fire in front of you, trying to process something by the look in his eyes. He was struggling with something, and you were starting to worry something was seriously wrong. 

“Are you okay, Steve?” 

“Am I okay?” Steve echoed your words. You giggled at the way his brow crumbled, and his nose scrunched up while he thought your question over, making him grin.

“Screws this,” Steve whispered. 

Steve tossed his cup in the fire and took two long strides into your space, cupping your face in both hands, and his lips were on yours before anyone knew what was happening. There were a few whistles and shouts from your idiot friends, but you didn’t notice any of them. All you could see at that moment was Steve. His lips were softer than you pictured, and your heart jumped in a way you didn’t think was possible from one silly kiss. It wasn’t anything indecent, but it was enough to make your knees go weak, and your breath stutter when he finally pulled away Steve pressed his forehead against yours, still cradling your face in his hands when he apologized. 

"Sorry. I really love that laugh." 

Your heart fluttered, and your fingers tightened around his wrists, hopeful it would be enough to keep you standing when the ground drops out from under you a second time.

"You kissed me because you love my laugh?" 

Steve’s cheeks turned a pretty rosy color. His embarrassment wasn't enough to make him let you go just yet. "Yeah, I guess I did.” 

You paused for a beat. 

“How long have you wanted to do that?”

Steve smiled in that sweet, shy way you’ve always liked and whispered just loud enough for you to hear over the noise of the party and the fire raging next to you, “Pretty much from the moment I met you. I mean, It’s you, Y/n. Who wouldn’t want to kiss you?” 

A bright grin stretched across your face, and you stepped back out of his hold, holding your hand out for him to take. Steve took your hand but pulled you back into his arms, this unusual display of confidence coming from him was disarming.

“I was thinking about heading home, but I’m suddenly starving. Wanna go get some cheese fries and drive me home?” 

“Yeah, yeah, we can do that.I’ll go anywhere if I get to go with you,” Steve promised with a grin.  

Your eyes snapped open, and you stared up at the guest room ceiling, trying to catch your breath without waking Bucky. You hated that thinking about that night, let alone dreaming about it and having to see it all play out.  It used to be one of your favorite memories. You would beg Steve to replay the details as if he was reading from the pages of some silly storybook and now you couldn’t stand the slightest hint of that night. Your breath wasn’t steadying, it was only getting worse, and you could feel the panic building, clawing at your throat. You slowly slipped out of bed, leaving Bucky sleeping soundly and retreated to the safety of your room. Closing the door behind you, you flipped the lock, and your legs finally gave out from under you. You slid down the wall, unable to stop your tears you’ve been holding in since you woke.

Sam kept telling you to give it time. It would take time, lots of time to heal, but you didn’t think you could keep going on this way. Not when your own memories are there to torment you. You would give everything you had to simply forget. Forget it all -- his death, the phone call, all of your fights and the makeups, too. The bad and the good. You’d trade the memory of all his kisses if you could just let go of this hurt. 

This wasn’t how fairytales were supposed to end, maybe it was all a lie from the start. Perhaps you were never meant to end with a happy ever after. 

Previous //  Next 

[piratejct]

* 𝐣𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐲, 𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 + 𝐡𝐞 / 𝐡𝐢𝐦 | you know 𝐚𝐝𝐚𝐦 𝐛𝐚𝐮𝐞𝐫, right? they’re 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐞, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐣𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐬 by 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞 like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole 𝐨𝐢𝐥-𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬, 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐦𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭, 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is 𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐥 𝟑𝐫𝐝 so they’re an 𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

NAME: adam bauer NICKNAME(S): n/a, but you’re welcome to change that xx D.O.B: april 3rd, 1992 AGE: 29 BIRTH PLACE: san diego, california CURRENTLY RESIDING: irving, north carolina  SEXUALITY: bisexual OCCUPATION: freelance mechanic & bartender at scuba 

BACKSTORY: 

tw: mentions of kidnapping, attempted murder, drugs, overdose, death, drunk driving, car crash, self-loathing. 

80% of your life has been all but worth it. are you in the right place? failure, guilt and persistent hollowness occupy your entire being, nibble at the slab of meat inside your head, keeping you up night after night. where did things go wrong? were you destined to be this way? you were born into a middle class household that lasted only a couple of years. you were six, your sister three when the police came knocking on the door. the last time you saw your father was on the tv, the very next day when he had officially become the town’s own boogeyman. later, you learned he’ll spend the rest of his days in prison –– a punishment still not good enough for a kidnapping and two counts of attempted murder. 

frantically, your mother packed the bags and not even a month later, you could officially consider yourself a resident of irving. it was a promising new beginning, until it wasn’t. your mother found a man, an alright man –– or so she had thought at the time. he always remembered to say hi to you, smile in the doorway, so you used to think he was okay, too. after all, he was not locked up in a cell, and that immediately made him better than some. after a year of a seemingly healthy relationship, your mother had the third baby and the thought of a happy family was ever so exciting. but of course, before they could even decide on a name, the man was gone. vanished, with any hopes the now single mother of three had had. 

you grew up faster than most of the other kids in class. you didn’t have a choice. every day, you’d help your mom around the house, and while you wouldn’t realize it, you were her rock. and she? she was your best friend. at one point, your only friend. the kids at school wouldn’t die for you. they thought you were stupid, because whenever you’d read out loud, your voice would shake. you’d get nervous and you’d stutter, which made your voice shake even more and barry with the crooked teeth laugh even harder. they didn’t understand why you couldn’t just read the words, and for the longest time, you didn’t either. not even after the doctor gave it a name: dyslexia. 

but you couldn’t blame it all on a learning disorder. sure, it was difficult, but it’s not like you had the drive to try, despite it. school wasn’t your forte and being book-smart would never be on your resume. even though your grades were known for being just a tad below average, you graduated, but didn’t leave it at that. god, you probably should’ve. but you wanted your mother to be proud. and so, you applied for university in a different town. to everyone’s surprise, they accepted the half-assed application without even acknowledging the numerous spelling errors. your mother hugged you tight, cried into your chest. she told you she loved you and you genuinely believed her. and then like every man in her life, you went off to disappoint her. 

you changed your major twice before dropping out altogether. instead of attending lectures, you started selling drugs around the corner, always keeping yourself sufficiently high, too. it felt like an easy life, until they busted your ass. the student loan was cancelled and you were kicked out of the dorms. for months, you’d go between couch-surfing and sleeping in remote locations, all while doing heavy drugs and calling home every tuesday to tell your mom everything was going just great. then, they found you unconscious in a bathroom stall. accidentally, you had taken one too many. 

after that, you had no choice but to come clean and return back home, where you’d spend months in rehab while wondering if being a person is really your calling. no matter where you went, you just couldn’t fit in. while your siblings were close, you were an outsider, an intruder in your own home and the prime example of what not to do in life. your half-brother was the polar opposite, and every day, you’d watch him succeed, no matter what it was. highest grades, captain of the football team, the perfect boy next door –– the complete package. he knew he was better and you hated him for it. 

he had just started studying business at the local university. he was eighteen, his spirits always high. he was the life of the party, of every party. that night, he had driven himself, taken your mother’s car with the promise of returning it in one piece. the plan was to stay overnight, but due to issues you couldn’t even be bothered to hear about, it wasn’t a possibility. he called around 3 in the morning, drunk and asking if you could be a good brother, just this once, and pick him up. naturally, you were too tired and too bitter to cooperate. “figure it out, buddy.” 

and he did. 

the police said the body was near unrecognizable, the car wrecked, in pieces on the side of the road. you fucked up. you fucked up real bad. and your mother? fuck, she was too nice to you. too supportive. she only blamed you once, wine drunk and miserable. “tell me, adam. where did i go wrong?” and “if you weren’t so awful to people all the time, your brother would still be with us.” in that moment, you wished it would’ve been you. and three years later, you still do. 

PERSONALITY, OR LACK THEREOF: 

+ self-sufficient, loyal, protective  - aloof, stubborn, hotheaded 

x rough around the edges. resting face screaming “permanently pissed off”. favorite party-trick revolves around looking as unapproachable as possible. not a horrible guy, but he is a deeply unhappy person. at this point, however, he’s pretty much used that being the norm. has learned to live with it. 

x has a hard time letting his guard down. tends to isolate himself, doesn’t let people too close because he genuinely seems to believe he’s better off on his own. at the same time, persistent loneliness is what keeps him up at night. can someone please hold him? but.. instead of establishing deep, personal connections, he does tend to sleep with people and not talk to them again. thinks that if he doesn’t let anyone close enough, they won’t be able to fully hate him for who he actually is. 

x can go from being this chill, mellow, i-don’t-care to full blown anger. temperamental, confrontational when provoked, stubborn enough to stick with whatever he believes in. don’t catch him on a bad day. that being said, he’s much gentler around women. guys, on the other hand? piss him off just enough and you’ll get your ass kicked. men can make his soul angry and his dick hard. 

x overall, there is some suppressed softness there but you’re not getting any of it unless you’ve unlocked level 109 friendship. <3 sorry <3 

x because of past experiences, he tends to stay away from heavy drugs. however, he does like to smoke some weed every now and then. (read: everyday, bro.) and even though he doesn’t really deal, if you need a bud or two, you can hit him up and hope for the best. 

x sarcastic and tends to act unbothered, but is actually very protective of these few people he’s actually allowed himself to care about. don’t mess with his folks, folks. 

x chainsmoker. smokes everywhere, even in bed. 

x is currently renting an apartment with one or two other people. works as a freelance mechanic while also bartending at scuba. on the side, he also dabbles in music, mainly synth but he can also play guitar. however, it’s not something he talks about because, um, he’s insecure. :) to be fair, though, he definitely doesn’t suck. 

x his alcohol tolerance is spot-on, so at least he’s got that going for him. he’s also pretty street smart. and despite usually not being one for physical contact, boy actually gives amazing hugs. 

x momma’s boy at heart. king of cool hairstyles by choice. 

x don’t talk about his brother. or do! how much do you need teeth, really? 

WANTED CONNECTIONS: 

everything basic, essential and beyond. give me: 

housemates

best friend

some other close friends

hook-ups

exes (good and bad terms)

enemies. someone to fistfight with!

childhood friends

drug/party buddies

co-workers

and whatever your heart desires x

[goldstarnation]

Q2 2021 GOLD STAR MEDIA SCHEDULES & REVIEW

Members may earn up to 18 points for writing, by the end of June 30 KST:

Up to three solo paras of 400+ words based on their quarterly schedule (does not count toward your monthly limit). (three points each)

Up to three threads of eight posts (four per participant, including the starter) based on the monthly schedule. (three points each)

Threads and solos do not have to take place directly during an important date listed on the schedule, but must be related to what the muse is mentioned to be doing in the paragraph explaining their schedule/the company’s schedule and/or their thoughts on the mentioned activities or lack thereof.

These schedules may be updated if new information needs to be added.

Reminder: Please do not post schedule posts in the fmdschedule tag.

Schedule posts for this quarter can be tagged with #fmdgsrq221.

OVERALL COMPANY

News of Element’s disbandment spreads fast through staff whispers even before the news is publicly announced. They’re the first group Gold Star’s ever debuted that has disbanded, and the preparation of a new boy group and girl group debuting under Gold Star as a result has the company staff spread thinner than they had already been. It’s not yet apparent if having three new groups debuting under Gold Star in the next year will help the company thrive or be its downfall, but with their soloist leaving earlier in the year still being talked-about news, Gold Star can only hope it at least diverts the talk around them to something else.

Important dates:

June 8-13: Triple Fantasy Festival in Indio, CA, USA.

SILHOUETTE

Riding high off of their latest comeback’s success, Silhouette continues to prepare for their Japanese comeback this quarter up until the single release in May and the album release at the very end of the quarter. It’s also not long before they begin preparing to make their Korean comeback, and they’ll record the songs off of their new album in May. Once their album is finished recording and off for mastering, in June, they’ll quickly fit in the rest of their pre-comeback preparations, from rehearsing the choreography for “Kill Bill” and b-side “Recipe”, shooting the photo book, and filming the music video to wrap up the quarter. It’s a faster comeback preparation process than usual, but after eleven years in the industry, their team trusts they can handle.

Important dates:

April 5: Pretz CF filming.

April 26: B.L.E.S.S.E.D. comeback teaser photo and photo jacket shoot.

May 10: “B.L.E.S.S.E.D.” M/V filming.

May 28: “B.L.E.S.S.E.D.” M/V release.

June 3: Black Box photo book shoot.

June 28: “Kill Bill” M/V filming day one.

June 29: “Kill Bill” M/V filming day two.

June 30: Release of B.L.E.S.S.E.D. Japanese album.

ARIA

This quarter, Aria will hold the concerts they prepared for last quarter (which include the solo stages they prepared) in Seoul and Tokyo. On their tenth anniversary on the nineteenth of April, they’ll release their new fan song and will also hold a special lottery fan sign for their fan club members for a special physical edition of the single. In June, they’ll leave their round of concerts behind to begin to prepare for their second comeback of the year. This comeback will be with a full album, but there won’t be that many more songs for each member to record than usual since several of the tracks are solo songs. At the end of June, with the rough versions of the tracks ready, the Aria members will turn to choreography practice of the title track, “Firework”. The solo tracks are assigned as follows:

“Stay There”: Leader/vocal/rapper

“Two Of Us”: Main vocal

“Actually, This Is A Secret”: Main dancer/lead vocal

“Hush”: Lead dancer/vocal

“Diary”: Main rapper/lead vocal

Important dates:

April 10: Pink Collection: Red and White concert at SK Handball Stadium in Seoul.

April 11: Pink Collection: Red and White concert at SK Handball Stadium in Seoul.

April 19: Release of “Everybody Ready” fan song, Tenth anniversary fan sign in Gangnam, Seoul.

May 1: Aria Japan Live Pink Collection concert at Toyosu Pit in Tokyo, Japan.

May 2: Aria Japan Live Pink Collection concert at Toyosu Pit in Tokyo, Japan.

ORIGIN

For the year’s second quarter, Origin is once again set to pumping up company profits (and meeting fans) with their continued world tour. This quarter, they see Japan, England, Germany, and Spain over the course of several flights out and back into (and back out of) Seoul. In mid-June, they’ll release their Japanese single which is, as everyone is expecting from them at this high a point in their careers, a success. When they’re in Seoul between tour stops, beginning in May, the members will start to prepare their next Korean comeback. Though it will be considered a Korean comeback, it will be their first all-English single — “Dynamite”. Recording will be done by the end of that month and, in June, it will be time for them to use the extra free time that comes with fewer tour dates to spend hours rehearsing the choreography.

Important dates:

April 25: Map of the Soul tour concert at Fukuoka PayPay Dome in Fukuoka, Japan.

April 26: Map of the Soul tour concert at Fukuoka PayPay Dome in Fukuoka, Japan.

May 7: Map of the Soul tour concert at Twickenham Stadium in London, England.

May 8: Map of the Soul tour concert at Twickenham Stadium in London, England.

May 12: Map of the Soul tour concert at De Kuip in London, England.

May 15: Map of the Soul tour concert at Olympiastadion in Berlin, Germany.

May 16: Map of the Soul tour concert at Olympiastadion in Berlin, Germany.

June 4: Map of the Soul tour concert at Estadi Olímpic Lluís Companys in Barcelona, Spain.

June 5: Map of the Soul tour concert at Estadi Olímpic Lluís Companys in Barcelona, Spain.

June 18: Release of ‘Stay Gold” Japanese single.

IMPULSE

They come back pretty early into the month and the comeback is well-received by fans, though also slightly overshadowed by the news that Element will be disbanding that comes out less than a week after Impulse releases their new album. Public attention directed at Gold Star may be diverted, but fans are paying attention and they have to be given content, so the members will have several promotional videos to film over the course of their comeback promotions, as well as a few fan signs. They’ll also make two television appearances on live performance shows. Fan support also earns the fans a special “angel version” dance practice. After Impulse finishes promoting, they’ll be mostly off the radar save for a fan sign in their role as ambassadors of the Face Shop as they dive into rehearsals for the tour they’ll be embarking on beginning next quarter. They’ll perform their recent songs, so they’ll need to brush up on their last few comebacks, and each member will also get to choose a solo stage to perform (as long as it matches their position).

Important dates:

April 6: “All Night” M/V reaction video filming.

April 7: Release of “All Night” & All Light album + press showcase, music show promotions continue through May 7.

April 8: Relay Dance video filming.

April 10: Yoo Heeyeol’s Sketchbook appearance filming (to air: April 23).

April 11: Open Concert appearance filming (to air: April 18).

April 15: Fan sign in Yeouido, Seoul.

April 17: Fan sign in Yeongdeungpo, Seoul.

April 22: Mannequin MV video filming.

May 2: Fan sign in Yongsan, Seoul.

May 3: All Night Special Dance Practice video filming.

May 7: End of music show promotions.

June 15: The Face Shop fansign in Yongsan.

↳ PULS2

No schedules for the quarter.

Important dates:

N/A

FUSE

April proceeds similarly to what Fuse’s schedules have been for the past few months. They begin the month with a photo shoot for the US edition of W magazine and at the end of the month, they’ll give a military performance. In May, the Fuse members not in Fuse B&W are given a mostly free month before June comes around, when they’ll finally begin working on their next comeback, which will release just over a year since their last release. Gold Star has only approved a digital single comeback for them, but by the end of June, they’ll have it recorded and ready to continue preparing for their comeback next quarter.

Important dates:

April 4: Photo shoot for W’s May issue.

April 28: Performance (Psycho & Umpah Umpah) for military at Seoul Air Base in Seongnam (also performing: Lipstick and BEE).

↳ FUSE B&W

Choreography practice continues to be a pivotal point of focus leading up to the actual song releases, but April and the beginning of May will also involve shooting music videos and other promotional videos for the era, as well as photo shoots for the album jacket and teasers. Once they make their subunit debut, they promote for almost two months straight into the next quarter. “Monster” outperforms “Naughty” by a lot, but the latter is intended more as a follow-up track to extend their promotions than a true single focus anyway, so Gold Star isn’t too bothered by it and the fans are happy for the sub-unit to promote so long after an extended period without as many schedules as fans would have liked to see them have.

Important dates:

April 12: Monster photo book and teaser photo shoot.

April 20: “Monster” M/V filming.

April 30: “Naughty” M/V and episode 2 filming.

May 2: Episode 3 (Uncover) filming.

May 17: Release of “Monster” & Monster mini-album + press showcase, music show promotions continue through June 17.

May 30: Fan sign in Mapo, Seoul.

May 31: Fan sign in Yeungdeongpo, Seoul.

June 7: Fan sign in Jongno, Seoul.

June 15: Fan sign in Gangnam, Seoul.

June 17: End of music show promotions.

June 21: Release of “Naughty”, music show promotions continue through July 21.

ELEMENT

Last month, the Element members were informed shortly before their planned late March comeback that their comeback date was being pushed back to mid-March. The next day, this information was shared with the public. Answers weren’t given much at first, but at the beginning of April, the members are pulled into a meeting with a very serious mood if their managers’ expressions are anything to go by. In the meeting, they’re told by a staff member that You will be their final comeback after reviewing the company’s profits and speaking to investors and the company’s board in recent meetings. Element will be disbanding and the company will be re-debuting the members in new groups. They are told not to share this with fans, as the company will take the initiative to announce the impending disbandment the day after Element makes their comeback and the news about re-debut will be made public at a latter time.

Promotions for the comeback itself are kept to a minimum other than fan signs as closure for final meeting with fans as Element, Gold Star apparently seeing little purpose in a big budget for the group’s farewell. Element officially disbands on May 13, 2021, and the members will henceforth be under the schedules of Element’s new upcoming boy group Quicksilver or their new upcoming girl group Marigold. Element members must be moved out of their dorms into their new dorms between May 13 and May 31.

Important dates:

April 5: Company meeting.

April 12: Release of “You” & You mini-album + press showcase, music show promotions continue through June 17.

April 18: Fansign in Gangnam, Seoul.

April 27: Fansign in Mapo, Seoul.

May 10: Fansign in Gimpo.

May 11: Fansign in Yeouido, Seoul.

May 12: End of music show promotions.

FEMME FATALE

Femme Fatale finish comeback preparations in the first few weeks of April before they dive back into promotions at the end of the month after more than a year since their last comeback. The song is received well, as most anything seems to be with Femme Fatale’s name attached to it recently, and becomes their third number one hit. It breaks their record for highest charting in the US as well, and by the time they come to the end of single promotions, fans are once again reinvigorated despite the low quantity of promotions for the release. Luckily, fans won’t have to wait another whole year for their next comeback and in June, Femme Fatale will record their next single, “Ice Cream”, and learn its choreography to prepare to once again comeback in late July next quarter.

Important dates:

April 3: “How You Like That” M/V filming.

April 20: “How You Like That” Performance Video filming.

April 23: Release of “How You Like That” + press showcase, music show promotions continue through May 23.

April 24: Performance on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.

May 23: End of music show promotions.

VIVE

The rumors that Gold Star is already planning to debut another boy group on the heels of Element’s disbandment puts pressure on Vive to cement their place in the company (as much as a supposedly temporary group can) before they’re facing direct competition form within the same company. Their debut rollout is no small task though and they’re getting the most dedicated resources of any other group under the company at the moment. Their debut album sells well, allowing them to mark their place as the company’s third best physical sellers behind the much more established Impulse and Origin right at debut. They manage to chart, too, not a small feat for a brand new boy group relying on fandom power. They’ve got music videos for almost every track on their debut mini-album to show for all of the attention they’re getting, too, and a first win in their second week of promotions. At the end of their debut promotions, Gold Star will reveal their fandom name (’Vivid”), their fandom colors, and their lightstick, and they’ll begin to prepare to perform a series of US showcase shows next quarter. By June, they’ll already be back in the studio to record their first full album so that they can release it before the end of the summer.

Important dates:

April 4: “Crown” M/V filming.

April 10: “Blue Orangeade” Lyric Video filming.

April 19: Release of “Crown” & The Dream Chapter: Star mini-album + press showcase, music show promotions continue through May 19.

April 22: Relay Dance video [2] filming.

April 24: M2 Be Original video filming.

April 26: “Cat & Dog” M/V & “Cat & Dog (English Ver.)” M/V filming.

May 1: Fan sign in Gangnam, Seoul.

May 3: Fan sign in Yongsan, Seoul.

May 11: Fan sign in Mapo, Seoul.

May 19: End of music show promotions.

May 27: “Nap of a Star” M/V filming.

MARIGOLD

The former female members of Element and two trainees newly confirmed for debut will in early May. After Element finishes promotions, all four members will take a trip for four days to stay at a house on Jeju Island together to get to know each other better with all expenses paid for by the company. When they’re back in Seoul, the members will begin to work together, though not yet officially on their debut this quarter as Gold Star needs to get them used to working together first. The team has been picked to have both standout vocalists and standout dancers, but that won’t mean much if they look as thrown into this as they are. Tthey’ll begin to learn and rehearse choreography they’ll eventually record and release only to reveal the members one by one. The choreography is as follows:

Main dancer/vocal/rapper: “16 Shots”

Main dancer/vocal/rapper & Main rapper/lead dancer/vocal: “Baby Don’t Stop”

Main dancer/vocal/rapper & Main rapper/lead dancer/vocal & Lead vocal: “No Tears Left To Cry”

All members: “River”

All members must be moved into Marigold’s dorm by the end of May.

Important dates:

May 13-17: Group trip to Jeju Island.

QUICKSILVER

The former male members of Element will meet their new groupmates in early May. After Element finishes promotions, they’ll all start moving into the new Quicksilver dorm and all members must be moved in by the end of May. At the beginning of June, they’ll follow in the girls’ footsteps and take a trip to Jeju Island together to get familiar with each other. Gold Star is conscious of not letting Quicksilver directly compete with Vive, so their debut will be later than Marigold’s, meaning there’s a bit more time for a predebut rollout for them. In June, they’ll be spending time in the studio learning choreography for some predebut videos Gold Star will upload. They aren’t filming the video just yet, but the following are the choreography they’ll be rehearsing: 

“Pick It Up”

“Lick”

“CoCo” (Main dancer/lead vocal solo)

Important dates:

June 1-5: Group trip to Jeju Island.