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chu-diaries · 1 month

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100 days of mental healthcare: day 100/100

Well, it's over! I genuinely can't believe it's been 100 days since I started this challenge (even more than 100, since I skipped a day or two when I couldn't post).

For those who just arrived, I started this challenge in April, the day after my birthday, when I was really in bad health. I had severe panic attacks about 4 times a day, which made me unable to do anything. I dealt with constant suicidal thoughts, I barely slept anymore and I was spending everything I had on doctors, self-knowledge courses and therapies. I found myself with two options: the first was to invest in medications that would make me dependent and drugged, but that would fix my brain. However, there was a risk that I wouldn't get the dose or medication right in time and my situation would get worse. The second option was longer and more difficult: studying how my body, my brain and my limits worked, and then adjusting day after day what wasn't going well. You know that I chose this option and that I created the 100-day mental healthcare challenge to track my progress on this.

In these 100 days I learned a lot that I want to share here. As we are all unique and different human beings, you may not agree with what I applied in my life, but I ask for respect and empathy, because all of this saved me. Also, some points have a scientific basis in research I did and books I read.

1. mental health and nutrition

This was one of the first things I learned. I realized that when I was hungry, my body didn't give me clear signals. Probably due to my autism and ADHD, I was always disconnected from my body's needs and didn't know how to identify hunger (which I expected to be something like a growling in my stomach, but it never was that way). What actually happened was that, instead of hunger, I had a critical increase in my intrusive and suicidal thoughts, which made mealtimes much worse than they should have been. Our mind is more vulnerable when the body is not properly fed and hydrated, and many of us neurodivergent people will not feel hunger like neurotypicals do. Our body wants us to move to find food, so it sends us successive stimuli through our brains to fight for our lives and, well, eat. Some of these stimuli can be very negative and, instead of propelling us forward, they drain our energy and make us even more depressed, which also doesn't happen to the same extent with neurotypicals, who deal with this type of thing much better. To avoid this, I started eating every 3 hours, and not because a doctor told me to, but because I realized that my crises happened with this frequency. By eating regularly and preventively, my body stopped depending on this resource to nourish itself and I became more mentally stable.

2. mental healthcare and intestinal system

The gut is not our second brain for nothing. The health of our mind is completely connected to the health of our gut. You have certainly heard the phrase “you are what you eat” and it is true. What surprised me most in my studies was discovering that neurotypical and completely mentally healthy people develop mental disorders if their gut microbiota is altered. In other words, we must nourish our gut to maintain our mental health. The more diverse our microbiota is, the better our mental health will be. This means eating various foods per week, as colorful and natural as possible, because food industrialization is also partially responsible for the number of mental disorders that exist today.

3. mental healthcare and eating meat

This is a difficult topic, since I was a vegetarian for many years, but I want to share what I learned with you. The incidence of mental disorders is directly associated with the levels of omega 3, taurine and tryptophan. Omega 3 is a good fat and essential not only for maintaining memory, but for all of our cognitive functioning and, although it can be supplemented in a vegan way, it is not as accessible to everyone in the appropriate dosage as fish. Similarly, meat has high levels of taurine and tryptophan, which regulate anxiety and depression and improve sleep. For many years I did not eat meat, supplementing protein with vegetables and whey, and for all those years I suffered from anxiety and depression. I never imagined that my blood type would also suffer more from this lack of protein: blood type O struggles more to maintain mental health and ideal mood levels with vegetable proteins. It is a blood type that needs animal protein. Going back to eating meat was not an easy decision, but I decided to test it out: even though I ate a small amount of animal protein per day, my cognitive function improved a lot in these past 100 days. I became more mentally stable and stronger, my mood improved, my gut responded positively and suddenly the things that haunted me were no longer so big. I never thought that mental health and animal protein had any connection, but I was very surprised to discover that eating meat (or not) influences our mind.

4. mental healthcare and intrusive thoughts

Well, I studied psychology, but it was a theory that didn't deal with intrusive thoughts. In these 100 days I discovered this term and delved deep enough to understand that we all have intrusive thoughts. Neurotypicals deal with them better, while neurodivergents deal with them much worse. Unfortunately, I suffered a lot with these thoughts and suffered even more trying to understand why this was happening in my head. If you suffer from intrusive thoughts, start by understanding that they are not real and that they do not come from you consciously. An intrusive thought is something that crosses your mind and is similar to a scary radio station that you accidentally connected to. It does not belong to you. I learned to think (and I like this theory) that this is a way for the brain to prepare itself for various possibilities, even the most absurd and impossible ones. We are animals and our body wants to survive, so I understand that the brain explores various probabilities to always be prepared, no matter what happens. Of course, for anxious and depressed people this has the opposite effect and makes us want to die. Over time, you learn that you can’t control when these thoughts appear, but you can control how much power you give them. I deal with obsessive intrusive thoughts every day, but each day I’m becoming more and more able to not get emotionally involved with them. “It’s just a glitch in my brain,” I think, taking a deep breath.

5. mental healthcare and joy (which is worth more than solving problems)

I've always had a very fast-paced mind, cluttered with things and addicted to solving problems. In recent years I thought I should focus more on relaxing and opening up spaces in my mind, but I discovered that an empty mind can be treacherous for neurodivergent people. Our mind is, in fact, addicted to solving problems. That's how our species evolved and prospered. Our mind has an organizational structure that seeks, through connections and associations, to process past and future events, resolve pending issues and find solutions for what was left behind. We do this with everything, even with things that are not in our control. I spent a lot of my life trying to solve what was going on in my head and I was unsuccessful because I wasn't the one who created this situation. Although solving problems is a pattern of the mind, it is a sweet illusion. Many things are not actually solved, we only think they are. I discovered that the time I invested trying to solve mental problems that I did not create could be used to create happier foundations to strengthen myself. I learned that it is actually joy that heals, not obsessively thinking about the problem until it is solved. Every time I focused my energy on doing something good, laughing or contemplating nature, I became a little stronger and remembered who I am. I won't deny that I felt guilty - the cognitive rigidity of autism screamed at me that I was ignoring my problems and that I was creating a silly fantasy world. Even so, I fought to break out of this pattern. It is still difficult. But today I believe that I’m meant to be happy and that cultivating moments of joy makes life worthwhile.

6. mental healthcare and feeling useful

Feeling useful is essential for mental health. We all want to be part of something and be recognized as necessary. In these 100 days, I decided to resume some volunteer work within my community and I also opened a new company, with handmade products, so that I would also have the opportunity to produce something that was not only in the intellectual field (handicrafts are very good for those who suffer from anxiety). Having a dynamic routine in which you have an important role is great for mental health and your sense of self-authority. Also, getting in touch with other people's personal stories helps to decentralize our gaze from ourselves, which is very useful if you suffer from OCD. As tiring as it may be, the more diverse activities we do, the better our cognitive function becomes.

7. mental healthcare and moving the body

It's interesting that to take care of your mind, you need to get out of your head and move your body. Many of the tensions accumulated in our minds can be released by running, walking or playing some sport. It doesn't matter what it is, but move your body. We were not designed to stay still, but to do various strength, balance and endurance exercises. Our ancestors walked for days in search of shelter and food, and that's how our bodies evolved. Especially for those who suffer from anxiety, high-impact exercises not only help regulate your mood and release neurotransmitters, but also generate a stress spike that will do your body good for the rest of the day. When we trigger these spikes, our body answer quickly and creates new pathways to respond to stress, which helps us better deal with anxiety, depression, instructive thoughts, etc. Our sleep also improves, as we use our stored energy and tend to think less before going to sleep.

8. mental healthcare and sleep hygiene

I have always tried to force myself to be silent. I forced myself to meditate for many years, without much success, but after the panic attacks returned, meditating and being silent were torture. It was as if I made room for all my inner demons to dance in my mind and I always felt worse. I recently discovered that neurodivergent people struggle more with silence and that it does them a lot of good to distract their minds with sounds, images and other stimuli that allow them to emotionally engage with something real and outside of themselves. I see that it is a controversial topic, but I no longer believe in sleep hygiene without screens and complex content. My best nights of sleep were those in which I distracted myself with something until I fell asleep or listened to someone talking until I fell asleep. So if you want to test what works best for you, know your limits and do not blindly obey the orders that someone has set. Maybe you work better at dawn, maybe you only need 6 hours of sleep, maybe you are different from the average. Your life's work is to discover yourself and be true to it.

9. mental healthcare and developing self-authority

This was very important to me. I have always had low self-esteem and I have always believed in others more than in myself. I sought answers and cures for what I suffered from various doctors and therapists, but all of this only made my situation worse. I became dependent on diagnoses, consultations and sessions that never really helped me. At a certain point I decided that I would educate myself on the subjects that bothered me. I studied, and studied a lot, about psychology, neurology, neuroscience, nutrition and about the functioning of the body as a whole. Today I no longer accept any diagnosis about myself because I have developed my own authority. I am the authority when it comes to myself, you know? I don't need others to tell me what I am feeling because now I know what it is and where it comes from. I also know, fortunately, how to solve it. When I go to a doctor or have an exam, I know what I am investigating and what I need to achieve. It is very sad that today medicine is just a search for money and that you only get good care if you pay a lot for it, so it is important to get educated about yourself so you won’t fall into standardized speeches that will lead you to the ever-increasing consumption of pharmaceuticals and drugs without, in fact, looking at the cause of the problem.

10. mental healthcare and time

There are things that only time can heal. There is nothing like letting time pass. A few months ago, all I could think about was how I wanted to end my life and it was tormenting to think about living for even one more day. Waiting for time to pass was difficult, but I was rewarded. Time has a way of overcoming some things if you allow yourself to create new memories, new connections and new laughs. If you are suffering a lot, wait a few more hours. Live one more day. Let time pass and life bring you better things.

See you guys again on my next challenge (maybe a productivity one?). Thanks to everyone who liked and reblogged my previous posts! 💕

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maya-hadler · 1 year

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Greetings From The Past || Self Para

“My mom’s here.”

“What?” Jonas replies back in shock, whipping his head from side to side so he can try to catch a glance of Emilia Lang.

It’s the night of her graduation. Not her undergrad degree, which she secured three years ago nearly to the day, but her grad degree. She’s been in school now on and off for over ten years, and it’s about damn time. She’s fucking earned this. This celebration her friends and Jonas have thrown at Hotline is well, well deserved and long overdue. Through the ups and downs, and of course with the help of her partner Jonas and friends, she made it through.

Even after her father’s passing, and the toll grief took on her, Maya still managed to pick herself up, and move forward. Cut to now, nearly four years later, and she’s better off. So then why, oh, why the hell, has she just seen her mother in the crowd of Hotline, staring back at her? And with a look that’s so intense, it causes her heart to slow its pace?

There are many, many questions that arise in Maya’s mind when she first sets eyes on her mother standing still in the weaving crowd. Seriously? Her attendance in general, is laughable, at best. Almost an insult to not only Maya, but her father. For years and years they struggled without her to manage medical expenses and the toll cancer took on her father’s body; and on top of Maya’s schooling, the bills, and debt that came with that. It nearly wrecked both of them mentally, physically, financially…it definitely contributed to the slow deterioration of her father’s health just before he passed away. Even now years later, Maya’s dealing with the consequences of said debt. But still, even with those expenses racking up, Maya manages to continue on and complete her undergraduate and graduate degree in architecture in under nearly four and a half years.

It was a lot of fucking work, and a lot of sleepless nights. A lot of accidentally falling asleep at her desk, and Jonas coming home from work needing to put her to bed. A lot of forgetting to eat, needing Jonas to remind her by quite literally stuffing a bowl of soup in her face. Not that he minded, of course he says he enjoys taking care of her, but Maya never likes to feel like a burden. And then of course, a lot of rants about the current state of architecture that her partner never quite grasps, but bless his heart, he tries his best. He listens at least, and nods at all the right times. But that’s four and a half years of love and support, right there. Jonas saw Maya through her father’s death. Through his funeral, the ceremony, and the years of grief that follow.

Not once has her mother called to check in, not in all this time. Did she show up when dad passed away? Yes, briefly. Maya saw her standing in the back of the room, sunglasses covering her eyes, when she gave a eulogy at her fathers funeral shortly following his death. Emilia left not too long after without a goodbye. Predictable. In fact, she packed up and left when Maya was ten, so as far as Maya’s concerned, she’s a nonissue. A nonexistent one.

So yeah, the first question that arises in Maya’s mind is why?

Why are you here?

What the actual fuck, do you think you’re doing?

Who do you think you are?

Once anger passes through her like a tidal wave hitting a rock, she manages to turn away and grab hold of something, the nearest thing. That thing, just so happens to be her partner of almost four years, Jonas.

“My mom’s here.”

“What?” He looks around a bit frantic-like, eyes scanning the crowd. Jonas is highly aware of the relationship, or lack thereof.

“Where?”

“There,” Maya nods in her mother’s direction, trying not to draw attention to herself. She shifts into Jonas and his personal space, easily ducking to hide in his chest. Even with her slight height, Maya fits perfectly under her partner; so her head bumps into his chin.

His arm slides along her waist, pulling her in closer while the other twists through strands of loose hair from her messy updo. “Hey, look at me, Maya. You don’t have to say anything to her, okay? Not if you don’t want to. You don’t owe her anything.”

Maya blinks, her face blankly staring back at him for a moment while she contemplates. “You’re right, I don’t…”

How does she go about this situation? Talk to her mom, or ignore her? Or option C…kick her out, cause a scene. She’d rather not have to go with option C. Looking past the crowd, and her friends, Maya looks at her mother. Their eyes meet. Fuck. She’s staring right at her. Maya looks away and instead chooses to focus on various members of her little Grid Gang. They dwindled over the years because of life, in general, getting the better of them. But a few remain in Boston; or close by.

Their friends are scattered about; some dancing, others ordering drinks and/or drinking them, and they’re waiting for Javier’s wife, Zara, to go on stage and perform. Over the years, the infamous singer, musician, and part-time DJ grew somewhat of a following in Boston. A lot of people came to see Zara perform, and she’d invited them to have Maya’s graduation party the night of her set at Hotline to see her in action. Seeing how crowded the place is, Maya’s finally getting to see firsthand what all the hype is about.

She’s seen Zara perform a handful of times before; she and Javier are quite close, which means Zara and Maya talk as well. They get along well enough, though they’re definitely not, and probably won’t be, as close as she and Javier are. The rest of the group consists of Riley, Bailey, June, Sal, and Sebastian, who are all off, scattered around Hotline.

Maya smiles as she watches them simply exist, still trying to ignore her mother’s eyes wearing a hole into the side of her head. Hell, if she’s gonna be so intense about it, why not come over and have a conversation, then? Why all the intense staring from afar? What will that accomplish?

Maya’s eye roll. “I’m trying to be the bigger person here, but she's really pissing me off. Like, I just don’t…why the hell did she even come here? Did she seriously follow us from the ceremony to here? I’m- I can’t be bothered with it. Seriously,” Maya finally gets out, hands in the air with her head shaking back and forth.

The answer is no. No to all of it. If she can avoid her mother, she would much rather just go ahead and do that. Right now, though…she’s making it nearly impossible to ignore her. She’s standing near the exit, her back close to a nearby wall, clutching at her handbag. From where Maya stands, Emilia almost looks a little…desperate. Distraught, and uneasy. There’s something Maya sees in her eyes that makes her heart summersault. Emilia parts her lips slightly as if she’s got something to say sitting just at the tip of her tongue, threatening to spill over. It’s not like Maya could hear her from where she’s standing, feet away, anyway. Over the music, and patrons talking.

They stare at each other over the music, which is somehow much quieter than their eyes. She can feel Jonas’ gaze on her, worried. He leans forward to press his lips gently against her cheek, skin grazing skin, raising heat. Jonas lingers there for a moment, pressing endless small kisses into her skin.

“I can tell her to leave,” he offers gently, still eyeing her. “This is your day. You worked really hard for this.”

“I did,” Maya agrees, nodding as she looks up at him. A soft smile presses against her lips as she leans up to capture them with hers. “And it can still be a celebration, I think,” she murmurs when they separate, letting her eyes remain closed for a moment longer.

“I just need to go talk to her. Get it over with; break the seal, or whatever.”

“You sure? You want me to come with you?”

“No, no…or maybe stay a ways back just in case…” Maya bites down on her lower lip, suddenly a little more nervous than she had been moments ago.

Shit. What the hell is she going to say to her? What the hell is her mother going to say to her? Well…‘hi,’ is a good start, she supposes. Giving Jonas’ hand a small squeeze, she takes a deep breath and starts out towards her mother, passing by a couple people she knows in the process. A cordial smile here, a wave there, even a small pat on the back, and hand hold of, ‘congratulations on graduating,’ came from a few. All the while, Emilia Lang stands still as a statue, frozen in place when her daughter finally approaches.

A chill runs down Maya’s spine and she contemplates walking past her mother out the door. No, hold steady. You’ve got this, Maya. You’ve got this, she assures herself, taking a deep breath in and releasing it with her words.

“Hi Emilia. Did you see the ceremony?”

“H-Hi, Maya. How…yes, yes I saw. You look lovely, dear. Beautiful. And I’m- I’m really proud of you. You’ve done so well for yourself, I mean…a masters degree in architecture.”

“Yeah, it’s uh…it’s certainly been a journey,” Maya agrees, her hand tightening on the glass of red wine she’s holding. It takes everything in her to hold back her comments about her mother leaving them almost 20 years ago.

Another deep breath in and out.

“I know it hasn’t been easy, Maya,” she begins, and Maya snorts. That’s putting it lightly…looking around, she becomes highly aware of the space they're in and having the conversation they're having in it…doesn’t add up. Maya gently takes her mother’s hand and begins to lead her outside Hotline.

“Let’s talk out here,” she reasons, as she leads the way. Once they’re outside, she lets go of Emilia’s hand once they’re finally outside, in the fresh air.

Emilia goes on, “I can’t…I simply can’t imagine what you must have been- what you are going through. I…I know I left, but that had nothing to do with your father, or you. Your father was a good person. The best, actually.”

Jesus… “Okay, so then why did you leave?”

Emilia pauses. “Maya…”

“No seriously, why did you leave then?” She goes on, arms folding in front of her chest.

“That’s…it’s a hard question to answer.”

“Well obviously it wasn’t because of dad or I. We’re perfect. We’re better than you, so it has to do with you then, right? You’re the problem?”

Maybe it’s mean or harsh, but Maya thinks Emilia needs to hear it. If not now, then when? When is the best time to tell someone the goddamn honest to God truth? Never any time like the present; and Emilia’s quiet and stunned enough into submission to listen.

“What? You just, ‘couldn’t handle it?’ Couldn’t hack being a mom? Being responsible for someone else? Because I sure as hell know it’s got nothing to do with me. I know it. Years, and years of therapy taught me that, Emilia. Like I may doubt myself at times because I’ve got anxiety, but I know exactly who I am, and what I want. I’m loyal, I’m brave, I’m strong, I’m there for the people I care about. I don’t leave when I’m scared. I don’t bail on people I love because I’m scared. I fight through it because I’m strong. That’s how I know this thing, this rift between us? Has everything to do with you not working out whatever issues you have being there for me. Quite frankly, dad did enough for the both of you. My friends, and my partner, and myself, do that for me now. I’m there for me. That guy back there, the blonde? Jonas? He’s there for me. My friends are there for me. So you really don’t have to show up here now, to be here for me. That’s already covered. And I’m shocked you think you have the right.”

Jesus, that came out in a bit of a word vomit. Maya breathes deeply, and silences herself while she takes a minute to examine her mother. Tears are forming in the woman's eyes and Maya can’t help but feel guilty for that. Is she angry with her mother? Yes, but she doesn’t want to see her cry, either.

“I- I’m…sorry I raised my voice. I’m sorry I sort of just…attacked you,” Maya mutters, eyeing her mother cautiously. Tears won’t take away the fact that this woman abandoned her for over nineteen years. That fact can’t and doesn’t escape her even if she’s apologizing.

“No, no, you…you have every right to be upset. Every right. I left you, I didn’t give an explanation, or say goodbye. This is on me, Maya, and I do know that.”

Maya wants to believe her, and she sort of does. It’s coming off as genuine. She sure as hell hopes it is, because this conversation is all she’s ever wanted, for nineteen years. It’s a long damn time coming. So she should hear her out, right? She wanted a mom for so long, but shut that want off years ago to preserve herself, for protection. Now that it’s right in front of her, an actual possibility, well…it feels like a lot.

“I think that’s why I felt so compelled to come out here and see you. For so, so many years I let the regret and guilt of leaving keep me from trying to develop a relationship with you again. I was scared you wouldn’t accept what I had to say, or the apology I wanted to give. I’m sorry. Truly, Maya, I am. And you don’t have to accept my apology, or invite me into your life. I know I’m not owed that after what I’ve done,” the older woman finishes, wiping tears away with the back of her hand.

Jeez…this went deep. Maya doesn’t know how to respond at first. She hasn’t forgiven her mother, not even when she apologizes can she even consider beginning to forgive her right now, after all this time…it just hurts too much. Quite frankly, she still wishes she hadn’t shown up at all, and left it the way she did. Maybe if this meeting happened before her father died, she’d feel differently. But now…well, her heart’s got walls up. She’s guarded. She isn’t as willing to let others in as she once was, and she’s definitely not as willing to trust in the same way. That scar came from her mother, when she was ten.

It took years, and years to see it before her father passed away, but it took that act for her to finally bring it to the surface. All the trauma surrounding her mother walking out and her absence after came up with the grief she had for her father. The grief she still has. It’s hard. It almost feels like her mother subconsciously feels as though Maya needs her now that her father has passed. She doesn’t. Maya has lived without her before, she can still do it now.

It’s her father she misses. Her father who took care of her throughout her entire childhood; who raised her. Maya clears her throat and looks down. She’s unsure of what to do with her hands, so she uses one to tuck loose hair behind her ear, and the other to fold across her chest when the breeze picks up a little. Both the women shift uncomfortably where they stand. More silence passes before Maya finally speaks up.

“I appreciate you saying that, mom. I really do. But I think…I dunno. I don’t think I can forgive you yet. There’s been so much time that’s passed by now, and I can’t forget the nearly twenty years you weren’t there.” Her mother looks down when Maya says the last bit.

“Dad may have died four years ago now, but it still feels fresh to me. I’m not gonna replace one parent with another, if that’s what you think will happen here-”

“I’m not trying to do that, Maya, never,” Emilia says almost in tandem with her daughter speaking.

“-It won’t. Okay, well, I’m almost 30 now. Just to be clear, I can take care of myself, and have been. But…maybe one day we can try to be friends, or…something. I don’t know what, but we can try. When I’m ready. Just, not right now. I do appreciate the gesture though, I’m, um…glad, you did it. I am. It’s a step forward, at least.” And that’s all she’s willing to give her mother after this extension of an olive branch, twenty years later. Emilia doesn’t deserve it, not by a longshot. But Maya’s father would have liked to see his daughter and ex-wife rekindling their relationship all these years later. He always wanted that for them; he died wanting that.

So for him, and right now at least, only him, she gives her mother the opportunity to make up for lost time. To redeem herself, if that’s even humanly possible. They’ll just have to wait and see, she supposes.

“I can accept that,” Emilia nods, smiling gently towards her daughter. “I’d like for us to be friends, or something. Anything…when you’re ready. Can I…” she hesitates, but then reaches into her back pocket.

“Can we exchange numbers? Your dad used to keep me updated, but I didn’t know…”

“My number’s the same as it always has been. Here,” Maya says, reaching over to take her mother’s phone. She types in her own name, and when it pops up, she clicks on it, and presses the call button. Once it’s connected, she hangs up, and hands the phone back to her mother.

“There, now I have your number too. And I can um…reach out. When I’m ready,” Maya repeats with a nod of her head.

For a moment they both just stand there in silence, looking awkwardly at the ground, and then each other. Well…that’s it then, isn’t it? Maya’s said all she can say. Now it’s time to go back inside to her graduation party; to her celebration with her friends and her partner. This is about her for once.

“Thank you. I’ll um…I’ll see or talk to you later, then?” Again, Emilia hesitates in her movements, but eventually reaches out to hug her daughter. Maya accepts it, awkwardly, not knowing exactly how to fit into her mother’s arms.

It’s so…foreign. She really doesn’t know this person; Emilia’s practically just an acquaintance. After a moment of standing in their stiff awkward embrace, Maya breaks it, and begins to back away slowly towards the club.

“See or talk to you later, Emilia. Nice seeing you,” she says politely as she waves goodbye and turns to walk away. Without realizing it, Maya releases the tension building in her shoulders, dropping them almost instantly when she’s back inside Hotline. Despite being outside in fresh air, it felt almost more suffocating being out there than it did here.

“Oops!” Maya exclaims, nearly running into someone on her way back in. Oh. It’s Jonas. Immediately, her arms wrap around him. “Oh thank fuck,” she breaths into him, closing her eyes. “That was rough.”

“You okay?” Jonas murmurs into her hair, tilting his head so his chin dips just above Maya’s forehead. He kisses that spot gently a few times as his own arms wrap around her. “I was just coming to grab you; Zara’s going on next… that looked a little intense out there at first.”

“Oh she is? Good timing... I’m okay, just…tired. I’m, like, exhausted now, actually. But just mentally exhausted, like I’m still extremely ready for all this,” Maya clarifies quickly. “I’m here for Zara performing okay? Like…I just need to forget about that for a little while and have fun, you know? This is my day. I worked hard for this!" Maya hypes herself up, trying to forget the slight pain of nerves growing in her chest. Seeing her mother is a lot. But it's important to her she's present in the moment for this celebration of her hard work. Her mother would not, and could not take that away from her now.

"We can talk about it later, though, because I want to. For right now though? I wanna just forget about it, about her, and I wanna dance with you.” Maybe her partner can tell something's off about her; especially after all these years of being together, he's gotten good at reading her. But he lets it go, instead choosing to believe her words and follow them through. They'll talk later.

Jonas smiles, leaning down to nuzzle his nose against hers. “I think I can manage that.”

Maya scrunches her nose when she smiles back at him, tapping his nose. “I knew you could.”

With that, she leans forward, catching his lips softly against hers. Even if things weren’t perfect, they’d be okay. Even if the relationship she had with her mother was strained, they could begin to repair that relationship. Even though her father passed away, he’s still present in her life now. All those things are true. All of those things are true. All of those things are true. She reminds herself of this again, and again as she takes Jonas’ hand, leading him towards the dance floor just as Zara takes the stage.

#self paras #paras #me #inspo #muse #mother: Emilia Lang #family #mother #partner: Jonas Hartmann

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