#knowing the people around you arent real HAS TO effect how you treat them

[laauranenn]

Thinking about c!Martyn, about how he believes every other character is either an NPC or a C.H.E.S.T agent. The way he doesn't let himself believe they could be real people out there.

Is that why hes so willing to lie through his teeth? Why hes so willing to screw everyone else over? Why he would abandon everyone else soon as it is beneficial for him?

It must be such a lonely existence, being surrounded by all these people, when you know they aren't real. How your only connection to real people and the outside world has been radio silent after dropping you in the middle of the ocean.

[gibbearish]

smth i think ppl who werent raised christian need to understand is that a) fear of death will make you do things you wouldnt otherwise do and b) being raised christian fundamentally kneecaps your ability to process death. most christians are the way that they are because if the bible isnt true, if god isnt real, then neither is heaven. if there is no heaven, then all their loved ones who have died arent actually waiting for them, there is no place theyll get to spend forever with the people they love now, there is no eternal reward for being good, there is no guarantee of any afterlife whatsoever. and as science progresses and christianity becomes harder and harder to maintain, as various claims in the bible get disproven and we learn more about how life actually came to be, that possibility that Death Might Actually Be Something They Have To Fear After All gets stronger, and so that protection of the idea must get stronger too. the bits of the bible that are too hard to defend have to be removed or papered over or talked around, the rules that dont make sense have to be explained or maintained without question, the people who dont believe must be agents of satan sent to damn their soul to hell. the way they learned to cope with death is to say it didnt happen, not really, not in a way that mattered, theyre still out there somewhere, youll see them again someday. and with that came a promise that their death wouldnt be permanent either. it all has to be true, that heart has to be maintained, because otherwise. otherwise, this is it, and we dont know what happens next. otherwise, death becomes scary again. otherwise, death is no longer the loading screen before your eternal reward. otherwise, they have to think about what might come next, how their actions affect others here and now, fully grieve the people theyve lost, grieve the eternal life of happiness and love they were promised from birth. and that is. hard. and while obviously none of this excuses the way they treat people, i do think that like. keeping that in mind during interactions with them, being aware of how high the stakes are for them, can very much effect the way you approach those conversations.

at the heart of every horrible christian with bigoted views and worse actions is a scared little kid who doesnt know where you go when you die, because the answer they were given when they first asked is turning out to be full of holes. and while you may not be able to work with the adult in front of you here and now, maybe you can at least find that little kid for a moment. maybe you can sit down with them and say yeah bud, that is pretty scary, isnt it? it's scary not knowing what's gonna happen to you. it's scary learning something you thought was true might not be. maybe you can tell the kid that theyre allowed to be scared, that being scared doesnt have to mean hurting others. and maybe the kid wont listen, maybe youll have wasted your time, who knows. but maybe not. and even if you did, youll have learned something about how to find that kid in others, so was it really a waste?

[snoopyliker]

okay so. still trying to piece this all together before you know its done for me so Pausing the episode heres what im understanding

the santo berço is a town that exists in a place where the membrane is incredibly weak and the reason the people look different is because we know that bodies begin to shift and change when they stay too long in these areas so i believe the gray skin, point ears, and such is a side effect on these people who were once “ignaro” they transform the longer they stay. my thought process at least rn regarding their appearances

the reason the black eyes stood out to me is because during the 6th episode with the fight when they were losing the power checks and theyd lose control and their eyes would get blacker as if consuming them right? and theyd begin to have black tears running down their face. which is really fucking specific so im wondering if the black eyes there is the same type of scenario we’re seeing here. sorta implying some sort of controlled state? or heres the thing they call themselves lucidio? i forgot how to spell it kekw which is im assuming derived from the word lucid and that sorta represents an awareness of a dreaming state. unsure if that plays into something here with their consciousness and awareness of everything it seems

the blacksmith said the tree represents their life in a way and i found it interesting that the trial is this three year thing where when they return they chop down that tree. its like a metaphor for what happens when they choose to stay in santo berço right? this tree is growing their life and when they return its cut its no longer able to continue growing it stays in that state forever now. staying in santo berço is like ending your life the growth of it. and i wonder if thats what its meant to basically mean.

what i found interesting was that the gatekeeper was brought when he was 8 and he remembers his life before santo berço and the fact children can be brought here was really interesting to me because they generally lack a sorta agency when it comes to making decisions? idk if the gatekeeper talks more about his backstory but im assuming he was brought by his parents or guardian to live here. hes 23 now so this town has existed for a Long Time. a fucking while.

what i found interesting was they themselves dont quite understand the maze and treat it as this legend and tale. but it has this thick mist around it which we know to mean an area with a very very weak membrane. which isnt surprising with all of this. but they dont seem to know that themselves. the 5 statues i assumed were the doctors but i havent gotten there yet to where anything is said about them. so im just assuming the 5 guardians are them but the thing is their documents were recent years like 2019 and 2020 and we know FOR A FACT this town has existed way longer. so either the 5 guardians arent the doctors who were doing this project and founded this town and instead someone else OR IT IS THE DOCTORS AND THERES SOME TIME TRAVEL AT PLAY.

they all are relatively aware right like they knew about caprizinha and they knew about other towns nearby and they know how cellphones and the seemingly how different the world is outside their town etc the only real confusing discrepancy is how they bring people. supposedly just asking? and people accept? and stay forever? and are seemingly happy forever? murcilos case was really odd because when we met him he really seemed to love his girlfriend jessica but when asked about her here he said well you know theres other things to life and generally the notion that its fine he doesnt care he left a life behind with no warning to anybody. like it holds so little value? thats where im like okay clearly theres some trickery something isnt adding up for people to just vanish and leave their lives. but again theyre in this town right now and dont seem to be manipulated in any way? they still have that option to leave according to the blacksmith but again they did enter in an unexpected way.

now when they found the town they did pass by a fog where they couldnt see anything except the path and an illuminated way that led them to santo berço so i wonder what exactly happened there. because they were looking for The Cave and instead found this town and its like okay how does that fucking happen. i keep going back to cesars reaction where they were going to enter the forest. the feeling that there was no going back and that shiver.

now i think back to what the doctors were doing and trying to achieve and the major question remains as Why? i wish i had taken photos of all the documents so i can read them all myself again lmao. whats the reason? they live without names just titles they have no technology or electricity they called those things aberrations. why why why why whats the point? how is this town used in an ulterior motive. its not just a town it functions to do something clearly. but what?

ok ima play the episode again ive just been ranting kkkkkk

Still so confused about the old man fml. ik on one of his papers it was written “im the blacksmith” but like was he really? is the symbol burn mark on his back one of those markings the people of santo berço seem to have on their faces the same? do all blacksmiths have that marking on their back? was his tongue cut because he left santo berço? i need to understand how he plays into this meu deus. did he even write that paper? was he just holding it? he clearly knew enough to run down that basement and release subject whatever the fuck

[st5lker]

im pretty sure people are already calling this post "reactionary" so let me clarify some things:

believe it or not i am a transfem. i have been speaking from the beginning of this stupid debate about how centering conversations of transmisogyny almost exclusively around the concerns of a handful of people online with a few thousand followers on a dead website complaining, while doing no irl activism or work against legislative bigotry (transmisogyny or otherwise) is wasting time, yours and ours, against transmisogyny and racism that has a tangible effect on people's lives. i guarantee none of you had this much energy during the 2020 blm protests. i guarantee none of you are standing in at state senate hearings until you're dragged out to defend gender affirming care.

I know you all would have worshipped truefaggot's cartoonishly racist ass if he was still on this website.

this post is NOT saying that this topic is completely divorced from transmisogyny or that it has no place in the conversation. literally two days ago i posted about how trans lesbians get treated worse than tme people or even trans people who arent attracted to women when it comes to sex and thats directly bc of transmisogyny and people subconsciously seeing us as men. i AGREE with that.

what this post is actually saying is that debates about whether or not x fetish is okay or weird or normal or should never be made fun of, should never start and end with transmisogyny. because be real for a second now. do you think trans women are the only ones with these fetishes? the only ones on the planet? you really think that someone saying vore or schoolgirl outfits or animalgirlboob urls are weird in reaction to nobody on their own blog is a thinly veiled attack on all trans women? you dont think that maybe these debates can be separated and still intetwine. that its possible to acknowledge trans women get treated worse for their sexuality without saying that anything besides publicly posting "i love furry vore and everyone who posts about it is so hecking valid" is actually an instant checkbox that makes you a "vile transmisogynist".

its also saying that all of those listed debates are fucking pointless because there will never be an objectively "correct" take on an inherently subjective subject. you think your trauma justifies your consumption of something, other people are fueled by that same trauma to think it's unjustifiable. its a neverending debate. the entire point of this rant is that if you TRULY are confident youre healthy, that youre not hurting anybody, then you should be able to be like "i don't care what you think bc i know me, my friends know me, my partner knows me," and just keep fucking exploring your kinks. my entire point is that if you're trying to make it into an objective moral stance that's a sign that you are in fact not secure in your own sexuality and you acknowledge that your opinion of your own sexuality is possible to be swayed by other people's opinions.

and for the love of god this post is not saying theres anything wrong with any fetishes or that everyone should make fun of peoples fetishes. this post is specifically taking a non stance because the point isnt what fetishes you have its about how you react to other people's opinions of them.

before im called a puritan who just doesnt Get it. believe it or not i have fetishes. i consume porn real and drawn. i am genuinely hypersexual. and no my fetishes dont end with armpit sniffing that's just what I talk about publicly because I'm a private person and i don't see reason to talk about them all. i hear people even friends of mine call my interests weird without knowing and I don't take it as some "reactionary" hate speech because im secure enough in my own mind and sexuality to know that there will Always be people with "ick" reactions the majority of which just come from it being something they dont understand, and that's not going to change or affect my own ability to explore my sexuality in private. and trying to get on some soapbox about how everyone who makes fun of my fetishes is An Enemy Of All Leftism is just fucking pointless and stupid and does nothing and gets us nowhere.

if this post doesn't apply to you then its... not fucking about you?? feel free to ignore it. sorry everyone caught up in the Popular Discourse thinks everything posted on the internet is a direct vague about them but just because you don't see people acting like this doesn't mean it's not happening

im just gonna post this rant because i am so tired and angry i hate everyone on this website with such an intense passion.

[relaxxattack]

on the torture thing i know it was a while ago but. i feel like downplaying the whole torture thing that happens in dsmp is so. hm. people will be like "think about all the pain c!whoever is going through!" but. you are defending torture. like c!tommy literally had a whole turnaround bc with c!techno he would torture ppl (also i wanna remind that c!connor got tortured canonically- he forgave c!tommy but he is still traumatized from it iirc. its more cemented in canon than c!fundys torture is, where the latter seems to be more that the yelling is canon but the torture was exaggeration and had no bearing on the plot, just one of the few times where a cc is messing around w their friends in a semi canon way) and as such tommy like. grew out of torturing ppl and Doesnt Want That To Happen Ever. tommy torturing others was resolved and he decided not to do so because its immoral.

and then theres the other three torturers. c!sam, c!quackity, and c!dream. obviously c!dream is just completely in the wrong. theres no debate to be had there. c!sam was completely in the wrong as well, also no debate, he cut off his (at the time i think freshly exes iirc?) boyfriend's arm and tortured him and took his first life over worthless things- yes while spiraling but mental health deteriorating is a reason, not an excuse. spiraling does not justify irrational torture of a loved one. people who gloss over this moment, or hell, even praise c!sam for it are.. uncomfortable to be around at best. especially if excessive (and there are people who praise him for it and not in a "c!sam is an interesting and complex character" way but in a "he was in the right" and even girlboss comments kind of. are icky here. [also not to bring race but hm as a poc maybe the fandom could stand not to romanticize the torture of a poc by a character played by a white man. i dont blame cc!sam, not at all, and i think it fits in the story and is not something to criticize the creator for. but please god fandom be normal towards c!ponk. treat him as a person who was hurt by c!sam not just someome c!sam is still in love with after torturing and killing and amputating him. please. hes a person outside of that relationship.])

and then.. c!quackity. even more complicated than c!sam, really. but i still think its immoral to torture a prisoner who cant fight back, abuser or not. i genuinely think dream deserves to die over getting tortured, or at least just. left alone in prison. at most wait a while and then maybe make attempts at getting through to him and if they dont work let him be. but torture is immoral regardless of who you're doing it to and id argue that saying its okay takes away c!dream's humanity. c!dream is a terrible and disgusting person but to treat him as less than human (and i dont mean from like. a design point. nonhuman dreams fuck i mean this in a morality sense) feels.. off to me? like as an abuse victim treating an abuser as just some toy to fuck up is,, idk. it feels off. like im sorry to break it to the fandom but terrible people are still people and treating them as less than people because theyre terrible just doesnt work. it takes away how serious it is that people hurt each other and that the pain will stay. people die, killing c!dream, if anything, actively acknowledges that hes a person who can die like everyone else. torturing him does not. i dont care as much about like girlboss or w/e statements w c!quackity bc yeah hes doing somethin about an abuser but its a terrible solution and c!quackity is an immoral person for doing it, understandable motives or not. c!quackity is more sympathetic than c!sam and c!dream (and while not currently more sympathetic than c!tommy, their reasons for torture do differ and id say that c!quackity has a more sympathetic reason than c!tommy did) but hes still wrong for doing this.

like. idk. dsmp fandom learn how to realize that just because source is full of gray morality doesnt mean that you should start genuinely defending immoral actions just because they arent equal to real life. theres a difference between how dsmp government and pandoras vault just cannot be compared to irl government and prison because they dont function the same and how, in the roleplay, the fictional torture is like irl torture whether you like it or not. the way that the characters' mental illnesses and deteriorating mental health mirrors real life and the way that the abuse c!tommy and others go through mirrors real life is the way that the torture that characters who are canonically effected by it mirrors real life.

of course i could just be more pissy than i need to be but like. i also do not think its Super Serious. i just think that while people can joke around maybe theres some stuff that just shouldnt be treated as Not Serious and Definitely Justifiable just because its fiction. have fun if you want, make girlboss jokes and continue to enjoy the characters because theyre written amazingly and be lighthearted about it if you dont want to be super serious. no one can or will stop you. just. yknow. make sure you arent genuinely defending something horrible. dont be like the people who defend how c!tommy was and is treated just because he fucks up. c!tommy has done some fucked up shit but he doesnt deserve to be treated as less than human and that spreads to everyone in the story. sorry for the super big ramble i just think about this a lot idk - (the dsmp fandom is scary so im not revealing myself just yet. so like idk. im just gonna be 🎭🎪 anon for now)

anon you are so smart i really don’t have anything to add 

[roundedloaf]

Vina Jie-Min Prasad's writing is SO GOOD, yes! She also has a short story in Uncanny called "Fandom For Robots" if you haven't already seen that one! And now for some mood whiplash, I'm just going to copy and paste in my original 10% of a fic idea that I had started writing in the tags: yes, give Three a hobby! And cooking has recipes to follow so it's even like having protocol. oh, but wait, SecUnits can't eat, so Three can't enjoy the food (1/?)

((2/?)  it makes, and I made myself sad about this concept I have known about for all of 30 seconds :(. but wait, I feel like it's implied at the end of the book that Three goes with the PreservationAux humans, so it could cook for them! and then Murderbot comes back to visit, and it is very definitely not having an emotion about its humans being all endeared to Three and Three's cooking and no, Amena, it definitely is not jealous it doesn't know what you're talking about anyway it's going to go

(3/3) patrol the perimeter now while all the humans are busy with dinner because it doesn't need to be there because it doesn't eat. And okay Murderbot has certainly emotionally matured over the whole series, and over the course of NE specifically, but also, consider: making it have New Baby Syndrome about Three amuses me, so sometimes you gotta gently nudge canon to get it to do what you want. Anyway I hope you enjoyed that long ridiculous ramble!

First off sorry for taking so long to respond! I had a lot of thoughts about this and uni has been a whole mess :(, secondly I have read “Fandom for Robots“, i love it so much and I didn’t realize it was by the same author!  

Thirdly onto Three, I have a lot of feelings about three and i love your idea!

Three is far more the sort of sad robot that Mensah and the rest of the humans were expecting Murderbot to be. Murderbot even from the start of ASR has a very clear sense of identity and individuality. It’s had the time from watching media and thinking and having to directly deal with a whole load of emotional pain. While it doesn’t really know what it wants, it at least knows a lot about what it doesn’t want. It doesn’t want to be looked at, It doesn’t want to be trapped, It doesn’t want other people to decide what’s good for it.

Whereas with Three, the clearest idea we get of who it is and what it wants is through the line “There is a lot about what is going on here that I don’t understand. But I am participating anyway.” Three hasn’t had the chance to build up any real internal identity for itself, all it knows is that it would like to help people (the other two SecUnits included). It is far more likely to accept help when offered, it is more likely to attempt to learn human protocol through trying it out. If given the same offer as Murderbot at the end of ASR it would take it.

I think also it’s still fairly unlikely to want to ask questions or to ask things of people. It was able to ask Murderbot for additional files, but from the sounds of things it took quite some time to work up the nerve to do that.

So after the end of Network Effect, it takes everyone quite a while to get everything sorted out, murderbot takes its time getting close to Peri’s crew, but eventually, possibly after a pit stop at preservation, murderbot goes off with ART and Three is on Preservation.

Amena is the person who insists on Three staying with her family. Ratthi offers, and so do Overse and Arada. Three gets a choice. This is important. Mensah and maybe someone else idek makes sure it knows that it has a choice, and that it’s welcome to make another one later if it doesn’t want to. (Three finds this confusing, but the HelpMe.2.file lets it recognize that this person can be trusted). But Amena seems very excited and tells it the most details about her home, so Three goes with her.

(sidenote: ratthi lives next door to overse and arada, and overse and arada are totally the friends who just show up on the couch, to the point that a number of ratthi’s friends get confused when they realize that theres only one bed because they know that the three of them arent all together (the times murderbot stays over it sleeps on the couch))

If i was going to write a fic, this is where it would start. Three is at the family farm, the very place Murderbot didn’t want to go. Mensah and Thiago are still busy dealing with some stuff, so the only person there who actually knows Three is Amena. Three is very confused, and i think a few of the humans try to treat it like murderbot? or how they think murderbot wanted to be treated.

(The children are of course excited, and ask it if it wants to share media. It doesn’t have much to share but at least one of them tries to share their favorite show with it.)

Anyway things are a bit awkward but Three is trying, and they’re all trying, The actual inciting cooking incident is Amena making something for a potluck, because tying in the social side of cooking/food is important. Amena gives an explanation of what she’s doing and attempts to give more of that social background on it. She also tells it that its welcome to use whatever in the kitchen if it likes? (Amena is aware that secunits dont eat, but either she’s distracted, thinks they dont need to eat but can, or is more trying to give an introduction to the way food works as a part of preservation culture)

Three takes her at her word, and when no one else is around it attempts to cook. Options: either replicating what amena made which gives the fun idea of it making cookies and then everyone thinking it was Amena, or attempting to make something else and making a total mess, having to entirely start over, just for the humor part of it. But when it starts to make halfway decent food (by it’s own confused standards) I think it leaves it out, or in areas that are known to be marked as communal food.

It’s a big family so maybe it takes a couple of days for people to notice that it’s Three cooking this extra food. There’s a bit of confusion, and I think its Farai that ends up talking to it, making sure this is okay, that it knows it doesn’t have to help, that its okay to cook when people are around, etc etc. Point being, at the end of this conversation she offers to cook with Three, if it wants to.

Smash cut, cute scenes of three occasionally cooking (and being taught how to cook) by farai and the kids and maybe even the other adults around. (a couple of times there are too many people in the kitchen and it freezes, they give it space when this happens). Three gets multiple checks from people that cooking is something it wants to do, rather than something it feels obligated to do.

Murderbot is incredibly confused when it gets back and this is happening. Like for a moment its offended because it feels like someone is forcing three into a more bot servant role, and is yet another person checking in with three about this. There is a bit of jealousy there, that Three seems to be interacting with the humans a lot better, but i think it’s more confusion. This is a person that Murderbot could never be, and frankly doesn’t want to be. It still wishes it was better talking to people but that would involve, ugh, talking to people. By the end of Network Effect i think its comfortable enough in it’s friendships to not worry so much about anyone replacing it. Plus i think the sort of relationships Three would build through this would be different to the ones murderbot has built.

(jeesh this got long)

[r0sebutch]

more entities love martin because i said so and i think he deserves some powers now

martin can have a little powers. as a treat.

namely, since the web was the first to lay claim to him, hes got some bitchin web powers

yes, our dear martin is naturally silver-tongued, but maybe people find him just a bit easier to believe than they should

he would never do this on purpose! he doesnt know its happening and just thinks that he’s gotten more convincing bc of being around annabelle

this especially helps him in his role as Supernatural Mediator for all the spooky scary eldritch fear entities

nikola and jude are fighting jared because wax vs. meat? hey, please calm down, my apartment is a safe place, no fighting in here.

michael and mike are fighting bc war of the michaels? hey, names arent real and neither are we, so be polite or i wont get you those cinnamon biscuits you both like

etc. etc. being able to pull people a lil towards calmness and peace makes mediating soooo much easier!!!

annabelle is the first to be aware of his powers. he accidentally nudged her a lil when he was trying to stop her and jude from fistfighting in a denny’s parking lot and she was like “wait huh?”

she lets the others know and now that theyre looking they can kinda notice it and theyre worried!

does martin know? when did this happen? if he knows, why is he only using it to soothe interpersonal conflicts?

they realize that there’s no way martin knows he’s doing this, because he’s martin and he would never use eldritch fear powers for personal gain

annabelle calls up the mother of puppets all like “hey is something up with martin?” and the web takes a hit and goes “yea lol i gave him sick ass powers” and annabelle is like “cool cool cool good to know” and tells the others

at first, many of them are furious at the web for giving martin powers that he never asked for or wanted. he would be so upset if he knew!

theyre furious with annabelle. she was the first of them to meet him, the first to take him under her wing, and that makes her responsible for whatever eldritch effects she’s had on him.

but.... the web chose to give him these powers. annabelle may serve the mother, but she is not her. she didnt do this to him.

and........ even if he’d be upset............. they have been talking about how he needs to be able to protect himself

and if he can nudge people towards not wanting to hurt him, then that’s some pretty good protection right there

they decide its a good thing that he has some powers, at least. they also decide not to tell him.

its not that they think he would use them if he knew! its quite the opposite, really: they think he would feel terrible and end up hurting himself trying NOT to use them if he knew.

so they just........ wont tell him.

and if he calms them a bit too easily in fights, they make a little note of it. they keep track of that, just like they keep track of how many vitamins he gets, because they want him to be healthy and to feel good

and if you starve the eldritch fear entity powering you, you feel the starvation more than it does.

they’re not okay with martin starving, even if its spookily rather than physically. they super arent okay with martin figuring out why he’s starving and then letting it happen because he feels bad.

if they have to deal with a teensy bit of manipulation to let martin not starve, then they’re fine with that? they love him and want him to be happy and healthy

at some point, though, he does figure it out. maybe he subconsciously nudges jon and gets called out on it because archivist knows when hes being manipulated, or maybe he doesnt have control and pushes someone a bit too far and notices on his own.

either way, when he finds out, he’s distraught. he tells his family, and they react with significantly less shock than he’d thought they would

he figures out that they knew. when he asks why they didnt tell him, they explain. they were scared he would feel bad, or try not to feed it and end up hurting himself, and they arent okay with him hurting himself.

hes frustrated and sad and scared and he just. shuts down. he spends days catatonic, curled in a little ball. his family, monsters they may be, were supposed to be his haven. the people he could trust above all others.

and they hadnt told him.

they cannot comfort him. they cannot get him to come back to himself. when he sleeps, he does not dream. when he wakes, he does not see.

but after a couple days, the web takes notice. she reaches out to him, tries to soothe him, offers to take away his powers

he asks her if she can give him more control over the powers, instead. he doesnt want to be manipulating people subconsciously, but he wants to be able to soothe conflict if it might end up hurting people

she agrees, and he gets up and applogizes to his family

they apologize more profusely, over and over, covering him in hugs and kisses once he signals that he’s okay with physical contact right now

big family apology and forgiveness time :)

martin gets to be happy and accepted and loved AND he gets bitchin web powers :)

[smileinyourface73]

Theres also so much more than issue with memory. It affects all aspects of your brain's functions as it affects the whole brain. Idk anything to do with psychicallity directly or if it even have any real effect on it. But something else i experienced was the almost complete lack in empathy/sympathy. Maybe emotions too but i remember crying in my therapist's office because i thought i was going to be like this forever because it lasted months and months with no change.

I already have trouble with feeling emotions because my own mental health, but i know for certain i lacked less and less emotions than usual. I would only cry if i tried to talk about how much i was unhappy. Thats probably all i could feel. So much depression within dementia.

I believe even if you arent depressed and have dementia, your emotions r still down-trodden somewhat.

I feel like it has part to also do with the inability to have thoughts with words attached to them. I claimed not to be able to think, but that was mostly because i associated thinking with an inner-thought-voice. I could think, but i cant explain how or in what way just yet. Since i couldnt think, i really couldnt analyze what was going on around me. I couldnt form emotions towards most things because i didnt understand what was going on.

One thing that i see usually noted with dementia is IRRITIBILITY. Its so true. Being being percieved as stupid is so frustrating because you knew you didnt used to be like this. You know how capable you use to be and now you cant read a children's book and remember what happened a sentence or word ago. People thinking you have Something Else wrong with you because you cant speak in a way that makes sense. You cant respond with your funny retorts. Its not on your mind and that requires a lot of thining even though you think it didnt.

Being told this and that so u dont forget. You know theyre being helpful but it sucks because to you, you seem like some child. You know they dont see you like fhat but its how you are until an undefinate forever. The inability to change whats happening to you, how you are treated, and the anxiety of how those will percieve you.

On the other side you also get yourself so down for not remembering things. Another thing you were capable of but not anymore. Its very scary when you realize you had something in your hand two seconds ago and you cant even trace back your steps. You are constantly CONSTANTLY pissed off about how bad your memory is. I see this in my grandma. I see this on a quote from a notepad magneted to her fridge about "dont tell me to remember".

She doesnt know how much i can (or could? But its not like i stopped relating) to that.

No one really knows the inside of dementia. P3ople with dementia can only express a limited amount about the experience, especially as it becomes more severe.

I dont really know the word of what i went through, but the symptoms had alligned so much with dementia related diseases. Its terrible.

They literally cannot express to you the full extent of whats going on unless they come out of it miraculously. One of the things i remember from it was i could not think or form thoughts other than "WHY CANT I THINK" "THINK, SAY SOMRTHING" it would repeat like an echo. Whenever i tried to talk to someone i would forget the last word i had said. I had no idea what i was talking about and could not think of what the other person had said before my response. I would have to ask multiple times what they had said to me (NOT BC MY AUDIO PROCESSING PROBLEMS but it made it worse).

Imagine a sentence like a string of beads. Each word is a bead on the string. Whenever i would hear someone speak, the string was not held. Each bead fell off the string. I would hold the beads individually, even loosing a few by dropping them. I would not be able to cohease the bead back on the string for my brain to be able to read. It meant absolutely nothing.

[chikkou]

Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true 

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them. 

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER. 

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors. 

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after. 

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence. 

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be. 

[sepublic]

With what Dana revealed about the Blight parents and they arent what they appear to be in either a good or bad way, do you think she's going to reveal that they arent abusive? Because honestly with the whol thing with Willow and Amity's hair, the fact she never felt close to a parent, that she didnt have a place to go and that she still called a teacher Mom are all red flags. Maybe it will be that not both of them are horrible, maybe Mr Blight is also a victim?

           (TL;DR at the bottom)

           Let me get this clear; Abuse is abuse, intentional or otherwise. That it doesn’t matter if you didn’t realize how much you were hurting your loved one (like Emira and Edric), or if you were doing it ‘for their own good’ (Like Camila and Lilith). Emotional abuse is REAL and nothing can justify that, and after seeing the very elitist, almost disgusted way Mrs. Blight regarded Willow? How she’s so quick to blackmail her own daughter and someone else’s kid, and treats it like it’s all fine, implies to Amity that if she’s upset about the situation then she’s just being a silly little kid?!

           This lady is AWFUL, there’s no room for interpretation. Whyshe’s awful and in what specific ways is interesting… But she’s awful regardless. I’m pretty sure Dana was alluding to the Blight Parents having more nuance than anticipated while still being terrible people, just as Lilith had her reasons for cursing Eda but was still a bad person for never telling the truth, supporting the Emperor’s Coven, mistreating Luz, etc.

           In general, if I had to pull together my current read on the Blight Parents, and combine it with my own personal speculation and ideas…

           Mr. Blight seems like the kind of person who’s at least… straightforward and honest about his abuse. Like he doesn’t bother with the pointless, ‘sweet’ façade, acting like he’s oh-so kind and caring, that this doesn’t REALLY matter… He seems rather blunt with his feelings. Like he doesn’t try to undermine your feelings by gaslighting you into thinking they don’t matter, mostly he’s just saying, “They don’t matter to me.” Which is still, like, AWFUL, but…

           Then we have Mrs. Blight, who seems to be actively smiling at Eda’s misery in the flashback; That or she’s smiling at Lilith, but regardless. She comes across as a lot more willfully sadistic, and more intentional of a gaslighter; Someone who makes you doubt yourself by getting into your head, making you question yourself and if you’re right… Really playing it up like she DOES know best, that you’re just a silly little kid, you’ll learn and grow up eventually… It’s so dismissive and condescending.

Like, Mrs. Blight is the kind of person who when called out bats her eyes and is oh-so innocently like, “Oh, me?” As if she never did anything wrong, that at worstit was some mistake or misunderstanding… That you can still LOVE her, because she totally still loves you and always did! And then you start wondering if you were too harsh with your accusations, if you’re assuming too badly of her, that maybe Mrs. Blight didn’t ACTUALLY mean it, maybe you’re just going too far…!

           …Like let’s be real. They’re BOTH terrible. But something about Mrs. Blight rubs me the wrong way… And it’s even MORE aggravating considering how much she looks like Amity and Emira. I suspect that it’s her way of sugar-coating her abuse, dressing it up in a little bow, that REALLY contributed to the Blight Kids internalizing a lot of toxicity without even realizing it, and thus transmitting it to one another and outsiders as a result, under the impression that they’re not actuallybeing that bad, right? That if they other doubt their harshness, Mrs. Blight’s abuse undermines that doubt by reassuring the kids that they’re totally in the right and that at worst they’re just misunderstanding things!

           In Lilith’s childhood flashback, Mr. Blight doesn’t really seem to be reacting much.

          He seems mostly apathetic, aloof, and chill about the whole thing… Meanwhile, you have Mrs. Blight who very clearly has a much more willfully malicious smile to her about the situation! Though it’s hard to say what him and his wife were reacting to specifically in that moment, as they can be seen glancing at Lilith, who has just been inducted into the Emperor’s Coven…

          But their expressions could also be hold-overs from their reactions to Eda, who they likely looked down upon for being a troublemaker and defying the Emperor’s Coven in that moment, getting cursed. Knowing Mrs. Blight in particular, she was probably smugly vindicated by the moment; Like this commoner dared to spit on the very values and ideals that nobles like her held themselves up to, and was karmically punished by the Isles for this! Meanwhile she’s looking down proudly upon Lilith for actually ‘knowing her place’, for ‘learning to be one of them’, for ascending past her lowly peers and whatnot… You get the idea.

          Given the way Mrs. Blight was smiling at Lilith in that flashback, I have to wonder if in general she approved of Lilith was one of those few ‘humble beginners’ who became acceptable for the Blights to hang around, which coupled with her status as Belos’ head enforcer, led to Amity being her apprentice…

          Though I have to wonder how Mrs. Blight reacted to the Covention Incident and what Amity had to say, especially since she knows firsthand that Lilith and Eda –sort of- had their feuds in the past? I wouldn’t be shocked if she believed Amity about Lilith resorting to the Power Glyph, but still punished her daughter anyway because she’s an abuser…

          So, when you combine this with what we’ve heard from Dana herself, about the Blight Parents appearing in multiple ways that could be ‘good or bad’ for our protagonists, and Mr. Blight being an interesting person to write for…

          …I think it’s likely that Mrs. Blight was born into the family. She’s the one who has power, given how she dictates that Amity have green hair like her… She definitely has the more elitist look to her in childhood, and her VA was specifically mentioned as a guest-star and everything!

          (Getting into some baseless speculation, we know the Abomination Head can’t be the Blight Parents as they were appointed when the Coven System began, when clearly the Blight Parents were kids in its earliest years… Dumb idea, but the Abomination Head’s hair is tied back in a bun, like Mrs. Blight…?)

          So in all likelihood, Mrs. Blight is probably the one who wields the power in the family, and I have to wonder what her husband thought of it when she prioritized making Amity look like her, in the process removing the main visual connection his daughter had with him! Did he have any doubts, did Mrs. Blight have to reassure her husband that it was all in good-nature, that surely he understood as an outsider? Or…

          In Amity’s flashback, Mr. Blight specifically states that Blights only associate with the strongest of witchlings. If he did marry in as a technical outsider, this would obviously be a very conceited thing for him to say, that he considers himself worthy and strong enough to have joined the family… But after seeing his generally aloof expression, slightly unruly hair, and what Dana said? Amidst my observations of Mrs. Blight having the power, and Mr. Blight seeing more like an enforcer what his wife has to say?

           …I have to wonder if Mr. Blight was like, perhaps. The FIRST person that his wife abused and began to take control of. Like, Mrs. Blight WAS interested in him as children because Mr. Blight was genuinely charming and also pretty strong… But somewhere along the way, she used her greater social status to be in charge of him. Maybe Mrs. Blight began dictating how her significant other acted and behaved, to make sure he was ‘worthy’ enough to be a member of the Blight household. And while some of this could’ve been motivated partially by a genuine desire to see him fit in with her, as well as her own conditioning…

           …It’s still kind of an awful way to treat your beloved. Maybe Mrs. Blight intentionally abused and gaslit or him, or maybe Mr. Blight was always used to being in a position taking orders from her, out of a genuine sense of loyalty and love… And one way or the other, that twisted into him only caring what she had to say. That to him, his self-worth hinged entirely on whether or not he matched the Blight standard, if his beloved wife would approve…

           Perhaps Mr. Blight was someone who was also indoctrinated into the Blight family, not allowed to become one of them until he changed who he was? Like his relationship with his wife as kids was similar to Boscha and her friends, just sort of a follower who got roped in… But with a dash of genuine love and you’ve got him unquestioningly carrying out her orders, helping Mrs. Blight abuse their children together because can’t you see your beloved mother knows best???

           Maybe he has experience with what they’ve gone through, albeit from a more sympathetic angle from Mrs. Blight… And regardless, to Mr. Blight, he’s someone who survived the abuse and came out better, stronger for it! He knows it’s a good thing and pays off in the end, those children of theirs just need to understand…!

           Because it’s worth noting that he has brown hair. So to Mr. Blight, his wife may be the world to him in a rather toxic sense… That HER lineage matters more, that SHE graced him and his ‘humbler’ backgrounds… I have to wonder if Mr. Blight purposefully cut off ties with the rest of his family to be with his wife, either because his wife specifically demanded it or simply as a side-effect of absorbing her elitist, classist attitudes over time.

           …Like, what if Mr. Blight dyed his hair green, too?! To match with his wife… Like he’s the one always making concessions for her because SHE is the noble Blight, and he doesn’t even realize or consider how toxic it all is; Because to Mr. Blight, he takes a personal pride in serving his wife, because there really IS a genuine love there… But that real love is unknowingly hindered by Mrs. Blight needing to enforce some elitist hierarchy within the family. To Mr. Blight, he’s just repeating his wife’s mantra, he sees himself as serving his rightful place in the world, no doubt thanks to Belos and his Coven System encouraging such a viewpoint…

           And, like. There’s still some genuine, legitimate trust between these two. I wouldn’t be at all shocked if Mrs. Blight had indoctrinated her husband without either of them realizing this, because they were both kids and this is how she’d always lived! But alas, it’s worrying… That too much of his self-worth is directed towards his wife and neither of them consider this, that Mr. Blight would gladly lay down his life for her because she showed him kindness… But he’s still dependent upon her, and conditioned to be so like many others with the Emperor’s Coven!

           I also have to wonder if Mrs. Blight will be an extreme version of Lilith; Someone who legit thinks she knows best and casually gaslights others into doubting their objections without even thinking about it, without even self-reflecting upon it… Like a part of her is willfully ignorant of the harm she’s causing, or she’s taught herself to be outright dismissive of it in the end; Because surely she knows best, right? Perhaps she’s someone who casually steamrolls over what others have to say because while there’s some genuine love and interests she’s also very elitist and patronizing, and was taught that she’s the one who should be in charge.

           Then there’s my speculation, half-joking, on the idea of Luz being wholly accepted into the Blight Family, because look at this clever human who managed to wound Emperor Belos! Clearly she’s VERY powerful… Not to mention, Luz is very friend-shaped! So we could have Mrs. Blight trying to assimilate Luz into the family, dye her hair green, make Luz hang out with her kids more and more…

          And Mr. Blight is just watching it all, and when Luz expresses doubts he pulls her to the side, explains that he understands and empathizes… But then he tells her to keep going with it, because who wouldn’t want to be where he is now? That obviously it’s worth it in the end to be with your beloved Blight… Not for social status or anything, but simply to serve a higher cause, and someone you love.

           So this could be a very ‘twisted’ form of acceptance, kind of like how Lilith initially loved Eda but more the idea of her up until the season finale… Of the Blight Parents wanting Luz, but wanting a specific version of her that’s fully integrated into the family! I can see them using their influence to cut off Luz’s ties with her other friends and family, to make her more entrenched and dependent upon the Blight household…

          And naturally, Eda and Lilith and the rest, have a lot to say! Amity definitely has reservations, she wanted to keep Luz from her parents for this and other reasons… While Emira and Edric possibly take it in stride, because they don’t quite realize what’s going on, or they’re just too thrilled at having Luz be accepted to consider the implications of what’s happening! Maybe they think it’s okay because they can teach Luz how to still be her own person, or they’re just glad to have her and don’t think much of it, because while those two certainly try, they’re not always self-aware of the toxicity their parents passed on.

          Either way, Luz is inevitably going to have to make a stand and insist on still maintaining her own connections and who she is, Amity will stand up for her… And things will get messy, because I REALLY do not want to see the Blight Parents be angry! Maybe the Twins stick up for Luz and Amity or just stay to the side, because they didn’t really see the issue beforehand? Either they’re neutral and/or they take Amity’s side, there’s no story where they side with their parents!

          And, there’s the possibility that. The Blight Parents just REJECT Luz, immediately! And we’ve already seen plenty of speculation on how THAT will go… Such as the idea of them sabotaging Luz’s enrollment at Hexside, even if Belos himself doesn’t care about persecuting her as of the moment.

          TL;DR Mr. Blight was an outsider and got fully-indoctrinated into the Blight family mentality and dutifully serves his wife. While he’s still a victim of toxicity, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s now complicit in it as well, something the show addresses with characters like Lilith or Amity. Mrs. Blight is elitist and definitely more of the ‘mastermind’ who has the final say in things, but whether or not she’s actively, intentionally spiteful or is just devoid of self-awareness (or both), I can’t say!

[pestopascal]

why are you defending cyberpunk so much? its a really buggy mess, it barely works on even some of the best pcs, they lied when they advertised it working on the ps5 but not ps4, and there were a ton of issues even before release happening with their social media team

my point is that people pick and choose when they wanna throw their arms up over the standard that is AAA gaming releases, and has been since prooooobably da2′s release (14 months to produce and release a game). maybe even earlier if you consider kotor2′s release (aka, given 11 months to make a game).

my point is that fallout 76 was an unplayable, game breaking, exploitative game riddled with many of the same issues. and i dont know anyone who continues to play it to this day but i know faaaaaar more people who refunded it or cancelled their orders just prior to launch because they didn’t want to brick their consoles.

my point is that one of the biggest blowbacks towards crunch was in regards to rockstar and red dead redemption 2′s release, a game which is now heralded as one of the best of all time, despite the way it treated everyone who worked on it. the moment it fixed everything, people forgot about just how hurt people working on that game were

my point is that skyrim is treated with this gentleness and fondness for dragons flying backwards and giants leaping into the sky and glitched quests (and how trophies, still to this day, sometimes will never work so you will have to put in another 100+ hour playthrough to be able to MAYBE get something). the irony in sony going after cp77 but STILL not forcing companies to fix broken quest lines

remember daa, with the silver mines? how if you happen to get that bug, that’s it. you basically have to restart. all ur items are gone, you can’t proceed. boom. bioware has never made an effort to fix it. they just released awakening as is, and proceeded onto their next project.

you also have to take into account that, okay sometimes they can’t pick up on all the glitches prior to testing like one or two are gonna slip through! but there’s a difference between that and a glitched out unplayable mess. cp77 honestly isnt unplayable, in fact it is one of the better games ive played at launch in a long time. do you know what gets these ppl notes and likes on the internet? blowing this shit out of proportion. in my 30+hrs of playing already, where im still just wandering around and picking up side missions and checking out clothes and whatever, sincerely have not seen half the shit ppl have said. not that it isnt true! the screenshots and vids are there! but people are piling it on, completely and totally, just for the sake of interest.

remember when mass effect andromeda dropped, and they had that beta test version that like journalists got to play, and how the models for cora and ryder had weird kind of motions and how sara ryder’s facial expressions are still a meme to this day? and how it kept getting piled on sooooooo much when it was like... not actually like that gameplay wise, and the story was quite nice, but who actually talks about that when you can talk about how bad the game looks ugh loading sequences ugh 360 head spins. fallout 4 had those weird smiles coming from npcs that are quite haunting, weren’t fixed.

you can actually tell that cdpr paid attention to writing a story that works, the endings are cathartic and not 2edgy2bedifferent like me3′s fucking starchild bullshit. also speaking of games who spent so long in production their story fucked up: persona 5 and final fantasy 15 are examples of spending too long being worked on with the story that despite how good it looks, it is a vapid excuse of a game that you HAVE to play either sequels or the dlc to get the full brunt of it. remember persona 5′s advertising? COMING SUMMER 2013. final fantasy 15 was ff versus for the lonnnngggeeesssstttt time too before square enix took it upon themselves to fuck it up and then GET MAD when ppl pointed out the story was kind of shallow (and also “why arent you releasing ff7r already”)

oh and then we also have things like kingdom hearts 3, which was quite frankly? awful and was FULL of corporations just getting their hands on it and doing whatever with it story wise (disney wanted frozen to feature so bad they intervened completely). borderlands 3 which keeps messing with the dlc and im amazed they even keep trying. bl3 was the sequel no one asked for, because it had no idea what it was doing. it was setting up to a story that i think very few ppl are now interested in.

yes cdpr lied. yes there are issues with their social media team. who do you actually blame though? the investors? corporations like sony and microsoft who no doubt wanted the game released as well? project managers, their bosses, the CEO? shareholders? fans who wanted the game now instead of putting up with another delay because lets be real: if a company needs to delay the game, they need to delay the game. its a demand and supply thing going on and the ppl who sit behind desks just see numbers they dont give a fuck about the people and we all know this. it fucking sucks.

this is not the first company, this is just the most public blowup because this game was teased in 2012 and people have held out for years and i get it! i do! ive been waiting for this game for years as well. and we can argue about how you shouldnt preorder games or not play stuff at launch or like how you should already have the latest console that has been sold out since it was announced and wont arrive in your country until march ! this can go back and forth and we can talk circles around cdpr but the point is: this isnt the first instance of it. it wont be the last.

if sony actually gave a fuck, they would review every single goddamn game that has been released to this day and has had bug reports. they dont. this is to clear up their public image. these companies truly dont give a fuck. bethesda admits to relying on fans to make their games playable with modding and to ALSO keep track of their story because it doesnt matter to them.

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Do the autopsies of George Floyd agree, or not? News reports from last week suggest the report produced by the Hennepin County medical examiner and the one produced by an examiner hired by Floyd’s family disagreed on his cause of death. The county ruled the cause to be “cardiopulmonary arrest complicating law enforcement subdual, restraint, and neck compression.” It also cited heart disease and drug use as factors that could have contributed to the death. The secondary autopsy, by contrast, specifically said Floyd died from asphyxia.

So who is right? Well, both of them, experts who weren’t affiliated with the case said. In fact, according to forensic pathologists and medical experts, the two autopsy reports aren’t actually all that different in their conclusions. “They are just different ways of describing the same thing,” said Dr. Joye Carter, forensic pathologist to the sheriff of San Luis Obispo County, California. What’s more, experts told me, the autopsies of George Floyd help show the complexity of medical examinations, how those examinations work and what they can and cannot tell us.

Some of the public confusion over Floyd’s autopsy reports can be blamed on misinterpretation by the media and the public, said Dr. Judy Melinek, a San Francisco-based forensic pathologist . “Anybody suggesting asphyxia was ruled out by the medical examiner is wrong,” she said. Indeed, lots of people suggested just that, with media describing the reports as “drastically different” and nearly describing the county report as absolving the white police officer who pressed his knee into Floyd’s back for 8 minutes.

The Hennepin County autopsy may have mentioned factors beyond police conduct, but it was really just saying Floyd’s heart stopped while police were restraining him and pressing on his neck, said Melinek, Carter and Dr. Michael Freeman, professor of forensic medicine and epidemiology at Maastricht University in the Netherlands. It’s not a claim that he died of a heart attack, drugs, or pre-existing conditions, they told me. “The cause of death is police restraint,” Melinek said, just like in the autopsy Floyd’s family commissioned.

The reason it might seem like the exams disagree, they said, is because people expect a single cause of death in an autopsy report. But most people don’t die from just one thing. Instead, both death certificates and autopsy evaluations are set up to tell as detailed a story as possible — death happened, as a result of something, complicated by another thing, and maybe with other factors that were present. You’re supposed to compile the full chain of events and all the possible compounding factors. But documenting potential contributing factors isn’t the same as saying that’s what caused the death.

These reports — and the public confusion around them — also highlight how complex forensic pathology can really be. Take the confusion over asphyxiation. As he was dying, Floyd told the police officers that he couldn’t breathe, eventually stopped speaking and then went limp. So it surprised a lot of people when the autopsy reports came across as saying that they’d found no evidence of asphyxiation.

That is both a misunderstanding of the report and an example of the difficulty in identifying cause of death, experts said. It’s a misunderstanding because an earlier legal document, put out to explain the charges against the officer who kneeled on Floyd, said the county had found no injuries consistent with asphyxia caused by physical trauma. But the actual autopsy report doesn’t mention the word “asphyxia” at all. It does, however, describe “neck compression” as a direct cause of Floyd’s death — meaning the blood flow (and, thus, oxygen) to Floyd’s brain and heart were cut off. It doesn’t take physical trauma to asphyxiate someone.

And that’s where the difficulty of pinning down cause of death comes in, said Dr. Karl Williams, a forensic pathologist who is the chief medical examiner of Allegheny County (home to Pittsburgh), Pennsylvania. “After that video we know why he died,” Williams said. “But it doesn’t necessarily mean, OK, that there’s going to be any evidence of that.” You can make someone lose consciousness just by compressing the arteries and veins in their neck, cutting off blood flow to and from the brain, he told me. Williams said he has watched experts demonstrate this effect at conferences. People will lose consciousness after 7-to-10 seconds, he said. “It’s very reproducible. We vary on where the point of no return would be, but if you block those veins for three to four minutes, you’re dead.”

But there’s no medical literature of what happens to a person’s body when someone kneels on their neck for more than eight minutes, as Derek Chauvin, the Minneapolis police officer now charged with second-degree murder, did to Floyd. So no medical examiner can call up that data and compare it to what they found in Floyd’s body, Williams told me. The result, he said, has been whole listserves full of medical examiners going over the evidence in the Floyd case and arguing back and forth for the past week about how they would write the report. “There certainly is individual variety,” Carter said. “Medicine is a practice and everything isn’t rubber stamped the same way.”

Everybody agrees Floyd’s death was a homicide, Williams told me. But when you get to the specific cause of death, and the order of priority of multiple causes, subjectivity comes into play. “If you were to present that video to 100 different board certified forensic pathologists, you’d get 20, 30, 40 different ways of turning that into the statement of death,” he said. “This happens with about 5-to-10 percent of the cases we do.”

Another good example of an issue where forensic pathologists don’t agree: the existence of a controversial diagnosis — “excited delirium” — which was discussed by the officers at the scene of Floyd’s death. (Neither of Floyd’s autopsies mentioned the condition and none of the experts I spoke to believe it applies to him.) The basic idea behind excited delirium is that someone who is high on stimulants, such as cocaine or methamphetamines, can get into a place where their mind is no longer functioning normally. “They become agitated and violent and hyperthermic, so their body temperature goes up and they undress and act inappropriately. They might break glass and be unaware of their environment. They’re hallucinating,” Melinek said. That situation can often lead to someone being restrained by multiple police officers while they fight back violently. Sometimes the person dies — and the death ends up attributed to excited delirium, rather than to the restraint.

Melinek, Carter and Williams all believe this is a real diagnosis that really does cause death in some situations — though Carter added that restraint can contribute to those deaths. But Freeman isn’t so sure excited delirium is a legitimate cause of death. The dead people diagnosed with it tend to be young, black males who died in police custody, he said. “There’s been cases where the [medical examiner] has done an exam, found 12 broken ribs, a history of extreme restraint and all sorts of things going on,” he said. “But they find a relatively small amount, a recreational level of methamphetamine in the blood and they say, ‘Oh it’s excited delirium.’ Which completely exculpates the law enforcement from causing the death, which they clearly did.” Freeman’s research team currently has a paper in the process of being published that reviews scientific studies comparing excited delirium with cases of agitated delirium syndrome — a medical diagnosis that gets applied more by doctors treating a person who lived, while excited delirium is primarily used by forensic pathologists examining a person who died.

While both syndromes present with roughly the same symptoms, Freeman’s team found that restraint was used in 90 percent of the cases that turned out to be fatal. Only 2 percent of fatal cases involved no restraints. (The rest were unknown.) Forceful restraints such as manhandling or hog-tying were also significantly more likely in fatal cases. The point, Freeman said, is that there’s evidence it’s not the excited delirium that kills people. It’s the way they are restrained.

All the experts I spoke to see no evidence of excited delirium in Floyd’s case. In the video of his death, Melinek pointed out, you can clearly see that he is not sweating excessively, nor is he dressed inappropriately. He communicates clearly with officers and bystanders and is coherent even as he is pleading for his life. But the fact that one of the officers at the scene suggested this diagnosis, and that legal scholars believe it will come up in Chauvin’s defense, demonstrates how medical analysis can be used in cases like this. And how disagreement among forensic pathologists about how to describe the evidence in a case can muddy the legal waters.

“There are very few checks and balances, and that’s really the issue here,” Freeman said. “There’s nobody to second guess your work [as a medical examiner]. If there is somebody doing something in a biased fashion — systematically always doing it wrong … it’s disadvantaged populations who are getting these diagnoses.”

[teddy-feathers]

look my problem with the au megamind where Roxanne is the alien and megamind is the reporter is i cant stop thinking about what i want out of that and how its probably not what other people want out of that which should mean 'oh shit i gotta write it' but really means 'in the next couple of months im going to rewatch megamind and be extremely frustrated because idk how to write these people as is let alone in an au'

but here are some thoughts

Itd have to take place on megaminds home world so like. have to develop that culture and frame it as the usual and other things as oddities

metroman still shows up at the same time the baby human does

roxan richie and metromans rivalry is less of a game and more of a metroman one up'd her ome to many times so now shes gotta take him out

its fine not because shes incompetent- in fact her death rays and pointy sticks are ingenious and have 0% public property or civilian causalities - but because metroman is not only impossible to kill, he adapts to anything that gets close (anything that doesnt kill him makes him stronger literally)

i guess this means theres a good chunk of the story that is centered around human adaptability vs perfect hero dudes adaptability

Roxanne Ritchie is actually a noted scientist or something at the local research facility - i figure blue people planet is really advanced and everyones at least a little technosmart but while it doesnt come as easily or naturally to Roxanne her way of thinking is really unique n shiz and shes an asset to every team....

but if you see her in a mask with some project from the lab macguivered into a gun trying to kill metroman well, no ones getting hurt and humans need hobbies and everyone respects the mask desptie the fact shes the ONLY human on the planet so its not like its hard to figure out who she is

she does spend a lot of nights having to rebuild projects and apologizing and such but basically everyone plays the plausible deniability card and asks her questions abiut what went wrong and okay so the masked menace failed after you let them steal our project but lets pretend for a moment the goal was to fix crops how would you say this did? and grumply shed revamp the guns weird side effect into an alien pollinating crop duster or whatever

got carried away when REALLY all I WANTED to say was

Whille Roxanne Ritchie is adaptable ingenuity and gets away at the last minute NOT because no ones trying to catch her but shes just that CLEVER and thinks ahead and shiz....

Megamind is the guy trying to interview her in the middle of a fight like he thinks he's cute - i mean he is but shes chasing after metroman and skids to a stop because this jerk stepped in for a comment. or shes lining up the perfect shot but theres a close up of megaminds reporter bag in the way

the thing is that maybe... blue people arent violent. a natural disaster hit recently and theyre coming back from it and if the two adopted alien kids want to play extreme tag well no ones getting hurt and Roxanne Ritchie will grow out of her competitiveness no doubt caused by just how superior EVERYONE on the planet is by finding her own niche and metroman will grow up and stop bating her because maybe he IS still better than everyone else and thats met with "oh very nice we're proud" but it doesnt really validate him or make him feel special because its just treated as a special thing he can do by everyong but Roxanne Ritchie and once he's found something that makes him feel good regardless of the attention or lack of it he'll stop playing too

but megamind? megamind has an imagination that loves drama and blowing things out of proportion and thats part of why his reports are so popular? like yeah everyones treating this super hero showdown with indulgence but megamind is good at framing theatrics so that this news story is actually a compelling narrative? and also everyone can see the tension is going to have one of these three "kids" confessing live someday

and maybe he gets carried away. one of those 'aw well next time you could do x or y' or has some technological creation that accidentally actually makes Metroman flinch during an interview

and Roxanne Ritchie starts paying attentionto him for the first time.

and minion warns him but he doesnt listen. minion is lower class and is afraid of being replaced like a pet like some people do but Roxanne Ritchie Ritchie doesnt have a minion and even if she did theyre Best Friends not like those other blue people minion uperclass people.

and he carelessly says something unforgivable and Roxanne Richie uses his ideas and actually succeeds in killing metroman

so she goes to prison - a place they had to build just for her because this hasnt happened since stars knows when

and somebody else is doing the camera because minion left just is gone and megamind looks defeated but testifies against her and is quiet and subdued and stpps being a reporter for a bit

and.... idk. i feel like we'll have to resolve the whole class system so minon goes underground and finds other minons who are unhappy with the way of things and if theyre ALREADY rebuilding society after that huge natural disaster that DIDNT blow up their planet thanks TO a minion well ehy cant they fix this too?

so theres a rebellion going on and theyve got a secret weapon to make blue people listen and idk but i feel like it's Metroman

and... how do stories like this go ive forgotten

minion wouldnt tell megamind or he would

metroman would break Roxanne Ritchie out of prison during the first riot of the minion revolt?

they talk and compare why they hated eachother and slowly work together and are actually a great team?

and then they need a reporter to make themselves heard as something other than minions going crazy

and so of course they go to megamind for help getting the story out

something something megamind is minions sidekick for this adventure

"Roxanne Ritchie was raised by the planet and turned against it and instigated civil unrest and killed a person who was also the good child etc etc instead of just growing up to face your problems"

"actually im alive and i finally found my place? helping out the real heros?"

"i mean i did try to kill him, but he forgave me and we're kinda working together because planet of moms and dads that raised us? yall actually are the ones who need to grow up and let go of the traditions that dont serve etc etc"

and megamind does a huge public apology to minion

and... uhhhhhhhhh fuck i really dont know how these storyies go

the blue people start making amends

metroman basically becomes a social worker for minion childern because finding their original families is a bit hard and most of these kids are just going to end up being raised by super dad but at least the rebellion minion families are actually geting to be their own family units and in a couple gens thatll be normal

Roxanne Ritchie goes back to being the token human in the lab and hangs up her super suit and is generally dissatisfied with this

until one night a hero breaks into her apartment to make her answer for her crimes and so for a legit hot second theyre fighting and megamind says something and Roxanne apologizes and then fighting stops being an argument and goes into banter flirting

the worss "where theres evil good will rise up to fight it" peob comes up a lot in this fic in different iterations

anyways megamind isnjust basically like hey wanna do this like. for the rest of our lives dramatic battle showdowns like its entertainment but like no theyre doing this for real?

the answer is hell yeah

and its a polyship and sometimes Roxanne is helping with the kids and then Megamind bursts in to "save" the family from her evil clutches and 90% of the time everything is improve

megamind kidnaps Roxanne to make metromind save her and a good half of the conversation is that hes an idiot for coming shes tried to kill him three times this week and hes bitching because do you know how hard it is to find a sitter for 30 odd minion kids this short notice and they better make it up to him

Roxanne is not superdad but the 30 odd minion kids adore when she comes over because they mob the villain so hard until finally mega comes to save her because hes actually very good with the kids

of course this poly ship isnt complete without minion and at some point minion and mega realize theyve actually been married for years and Roxanne and metro tease them shamelessly for it

minion and his race need a real name obviously

when Roxanne was a... graduate her senior project theses thingy was essentially "im going to go back to planet earth itll be great ive figured out were im from and how to go there in a reasonable amout of time" and everyone had to sit her down and explain that unlike metroman they knew where she was from the planet was just destroyed.

they never figured out where metroman was from because his direction sharply changed to follow baby Roxannes course and mirrored her coding despite very obviously how he had originated from elsewhere

this is important because his race is basically coming to conquer the blue people planet soon - the group finds out - and will download all the survival upgrades metroman has gotten to become unkillable and then just come down to the surface and be unstoppable taking the place over and whiping out the planet like theyve done many many times

a good chunk of the time trying to figure out how to stop them when this planet is REALLY against murder war and violence for good reason and even if they WOULD do that its impossible over looks some alone time that leads to megamind and metroman figuring out how to like kill him so when the bad guys show up theyll go "whelp better not fuck with them" and leave but between roxanne and minion they manage to not only stabilize metroman (Roxanne blood transfusions maybe???) but they manage to scare the aliens so bad they tuck tail and leave speading rumors that these are the scariest mfs in space (go minion)

metroman never lets Roxanne live down saving his life

eventually space humans show up to check the place out

megamind loves everything human despite most of the planet thinking theyre primitive and showing it

roxanne is reluctant to meet them at first but then really relates to them?

for a good long while it REALLY seems like megamind and Roxanne are just going to go on space adventures with the humans leaving metroman and minion - who really doesnt like them and also they kinda rub him the wrong way because he's non bipedal and they kinda make fun of him in a 'we totally dont mean anything by it lighten up' sort of way.

they don't go of course but they may have stolen a lot of atar charts n shit and who hasnt wanted to take a road trip through space with 30 odd childern who will need names and personalities and may be chopped down to a slightly more reasonable number by this point?

metroman loves space karaoke and his natural abilites mean he learns languages fast but no he still cant carry a tune

megamind and Roxanne still duke it out on various alien cityscapes

minion usually breaks them out of jail if theyre not to be let out the next day because nothing was actually damaged that didnt belong to them.

one memorable occasion it was metoman in a fight with megamind and they wont say what its about but both look very put out and minion looks smug

it doesn't matter in the end because Roxanne teams up with the childern to propose to them first

apparantly i had a lot more ideas about this then i meant to? i mean its not well thoughout out and despite the drama a good half the fic is just going to be cute relationship building stuff between the four of them

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Lost In Japan (Jimin x You)

A/N: this idea just popped in my head while I am taking a bath, and I rushed through my skincare routine just so I can jot this down 😂 anyway, I am going to combined this request with another. This being part one and the other part two. but it can also be read as a oneshot. I had wanted to do a story based on this song ever since I heard it (Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes) bcs it just reminds me of the feeling you get at night on your holidays when you are just strolling around after a long day of exploring the city and met someone exciting ❤ and I dont know from what country you are anon, and I am not from Japan either, its just based on this song so you can imagine elsewhere ❤ Sorry if this is not what you have in mind

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

A/N: I cant just keep a good thing to myself, so for those who are looking for a variety and affordable BTS and KPOP merchandise. visit this link right here okay

"Ahhh finally!" Jimin dropped his carry on on the floor and lie down in the middle of the bed, spreading out as wide as he can after taking off his stuffy jacket and mask. Airport arrivals are fun. Fun seeing their fans coming out all the way just to catch a glimpse of them and to welcomed them to their country. But as much as it is fun, it is also damn tiring. Especially when they are mobbed by crazy fans. Jimin is thankful he and his brothers managed to get out from the commotion as fast as they could and arrived safely at the hotel. And he is more thankful that they  have individual rooms now.

Dont get him wrong. Sharing a room with Taehyung or Jungkook or even one of his hyungs are fun. Theres someone he can talk to and do fun vlive clips with, but sometimes he needs some space without anyone breathing down his neck too. Times like this, where he juat want to rest his tired body.

Japan.

A country they are so familiar with already.

Two days of concert here and three days of free days for him and his brothers to roam about before they fly back to Korea for their other schedules.

Jimin cant wait to shop, sightsee and of course eat. He had learn long ago to treat every tour like a vacation in order to make the whole journey less tiring, more fun and less stressed. Just like what the others told him, it doesnt matter as long as they have fun performing, their fans will surely have fun with them too.

But Jimin can feel that something more exciting is going to happen this time.

He can just feel it.

/////

"Y/N, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!"

Y/N calmly look up from the table shes wiping. Shes so used to her bestfriend yapping around like crazy. She used to get excited at first, but now, she learns that its better fir her to actually hear the news first. Mika can get super excited about a rock for all she knows.

"What is it that I wont believe Mika?" Y/N laughs. Thank god the cafe she works in has less customer today.

"BTS is coming! For a two days concert!" Mika shrieked.

"Okay... and?" She give her friend a short glimpse and turn back to her task.

"And?! What do you mean and?!" Mika went around and shakes her shoulders.

"Mika, they come here fir a concert every year! Sometimes even twice a year. Its not really a huge news," Y/N rolls her eyes.

"Oh right, I forgot," she giggles.

"You forgot they have a tour here every year? Every year that you become crazy everytime its announced?" Y/N eyed her friend, tapping her foot.

"No. I forgot about the news that you will not believe. The great news is...." she paused for dramatic effect before jumping and yelling, almost breaking Y/N's eardrum. "I got us two VIP tickets and a special fansign invite for both days! Both! Aaaahhhhhh!"

"Oh, thats great Mika! No wonder you are excited!" Y/N's smile grew. Mika has been trying to get tickets every year but she never made it. Online or physically lining up, she never gets the chance to get one. Y/N wonders how hard she work to get the tickets this time.

"Well, arent you?" Mika looks at her weirdly. "I know you are an ARMY too. And arent you excited? You can actually meet them, and converse with them! What if they fall in love with one of us?!" Mika exclaimed, already excited at the thought.

"Well, I am an ARMY," Y/N laughs at her friends cuteness. "But I only like them as a talented idol Mika. I dont even know what to talk to them about. And falling in love?" She giggles. "That only happens in fan fictions my friend. They will most probably already forget about you once the next fan came in view," she shakes her head and continue to clean the table, making Mika pouts.

"Sometimes I hate how practical you are. Cant you just let me dream a little?" She crosses her arm across her chest. "But still, you are coming with me right? Riggght?"

"Well, if you are willing to take me, then of course Mika," Y/N grins. "Of course I'll go with you. Who knows, maybe one of them will really fall in love with me," she giggles at the ridiculous statement.

Or she thought so.

/////

"Lets go people. We can do this!" Namjoon calls out behind the curtains, a few minutes before they are meeting their lucky fans who won the fansign event. After some peptalk and group hugs they went out and start the event.

The crowd is packed and loud, as usual. Girls screaming out their names and waving, trying to get their attention. Each of them did they usual routine, smiling, asking basic questions, answering the questions given to them, making aegyo, handshakes, posing for photos, wearing cute headbands and all sorts of fan service. Jimin is enjoying his time meeting his fan. He loves the attention they gives him and he appreciate all the support they gave to him all these years.

"Next!" The security calls out so the line will move as the fans switched to the next members. Jimin reaches out for the album and booklet in front of him, still looking down at thr album, flipping to the post-it where he should place his signature. But the post-it came empty, its just there as a mark to where he should place his signature. Iy seems the fan has no questions for him, which is a first. Their fans always have multiple questions for them to answer

"No question?" He looks up and immediately stopped blinking. In front of him stood the most beautiful angel he has ever since. Well, shes an angel to him, at least as everyone else seems to be perfectly normal.

"N-no question to ask?" He stuttered and mentally slapping himself. Shit, what is wrong with me. You are Park Jimin, composed yourself!

"Oh," she laughs, the most beautiful sound Jimin has ever heard. "No. Just an autograph will do,"

"Uh.. o-okay," with shaky hands Jimin put down his signature. God, what is wrong with me. I have met so many girls before and I am never like this. Calm down Park Jimin, composed yourself before she thinks you are weird. Come on, say something!

Jimin look around at the laughing fans by around him, talking to to the other members, talking to Taehyung and Jungkook, who is on his right and left side and he realized how quiet and awkward he is with this fan.

"O-oh right. I am Jimin. Whats your name?" Introducing yourself at your own fansign? Are you stupid Park Jimin?

She giggles.

And Jimin's heart skipped a beat. How unusual.

"I know you are Jimin. How can I come here and not know you," she leans forward to a whispering gesture, making Jimin's heart thumped faster at her close proximity. "ARMYs will kill me if I dont," she giggles more and leans back to her normal position in front of him. "And my name is Y/N,"

Jimin smile. How bold. How interesting. And what a name. Beautiful. Just like her.

"And Y/N.. how come you have no questions to ask? Arent ARMYs always curious?" He taps her post it to show the blank paper and Y/N shakes her head.

"No. Not really," she smiles. "Nothing that I want to know,"

"Just nothing for me or for everyone?" Jimin feels the need to ask. He felt like he needs to know if Y/N is just not interested in him or she really doesnt have a question for everyone.

"Well, its not just you. I dont have a question for everyone," Y/N's smile got bigger. Jimin raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Well, because everything you are allowed to tell me, it will be published in the news, or articles or something anyway. And if I asked you a real question, you wont be allowed to answer truthfully anyway. Isnt that right?" she laughs. "So no. No questions,"

Jimin was stunt. Never has anyone ever throw that cold hard truth to his face. Its true. Whatever they are showing and potraying in public, the character that they show, all of it is something that they want their fans to see. There are still parts of them that their fans doesnt know. A part of them, rhat is the real them that they didnt show the world. Mouth agape, Jimin looks at Y/N's face, not knowing what else to say.

His gut js right. Jimin is right, fron the moment he looks up to her face, he knew theres definitely something special about her.

"Well, whats your real question?" Jimin finally find his voice and the bravery he needed.

"When you are allowed to answer it, then I'll ask about it," she giggles, just in time for the security to shout next, and Y/N waves a hand and move aside before Jimin could say anything else. Y/N move to Taehyung, leaving Jimin speechless, and fascinated.

Y/N... hmmm.. his feelings is right then. Japan is going to be interesting this time around.

/////

Jimin knew he is going to see Y/N again at the concert. Everyone who attends the fanmeet has a VIP ticket, which is a particularly small section that is made special for them right in front of the stage. He is sure if he look hard enough, he will see her. Shes too beautiful, and too special to him now for Jimin not to notice.

And sure enough, the moment their went on stage, Jimin saw her face, smiling brightly with her Army bomb in hand, giggling with her friend. A surge or energy runs through him. Jimin suddenly feels like he needs to do the very best tonight, no, extra best tonight. He needs to show her that he is Jimin, and he is up here, looking at her  and apprently, only at her.

Jimin never kept her eyes off her, which is a little hard to do considering he needs to sing and dance and converse with his fans, well, other fans too. And its a stranger feeling for him, when a pang of jealousy hits him hard when he saw Y/N waving and taking photos of Taehyung, jumping and singing along to the other members' part.

What the hell is wrong with me? Shes a fan! She didnt pay for the tickets only to see you alone Jimin.

Without realizing, Jimin suddenly feek the need to futher make his existabce known. Known to Y/N. And keeping his eyes only on her, he starts to show off his dancing skills, making extra sexy moves and flirty gestures, which of course, make the packed stadium roared with cheers but reveiving weird looks from the other members.

It doesnt matter.

The crowd. The music. The members.

What matters is that if this will make Y/N looks at him, it was all worth it.

At least he hope she understand the sign hes trying to tell her.

/////

"Woah, what is wrong with Chim today?" Mika stares at the satge, mouth dropped opened. "I mean, I know he is sexy and all, but thats like being possesed with a sexy spirit or something," she points to Jimin who was grinding on the stage floor. "I dont remember the cheography being like that,"

Y/N shrugs.

"Maybe its a concert only special performance," Y/N justified.

"How are you so calm? He is even looking at you while doing all that. Oh my god, he really is!" Mika jumped, waving her Army bomb with excitement.

"Not at me Mika. My direction. Our direction. He cant even see the crowd with all those blinding lights. And look around you, theres thousand of people here," she laughs. "You think he wouls pick me out from the crowd?"

"Hey, you never know. You personally met him at the fansign. Maybe he remembers you," Mika giggles at how practical her friend. Girl, dream a little!

"Hello," Y/N rolls her eyes. "Everybody here went to the fansign Mika. This is the VIP section!"

"Oh my god. I forgot! Maybe you are right. But hey, its not wrong to imagine!" Mika laughs, Y/N joining her.

"Stop imagining useless things and just enjoy the rest of the concert!" Y/N yells through the noise, laughing. "Besides, its Park Jimin, being sexy and flirty on stage is his thing. I dont think thats anything extra anyway,"

"Okay, okay, you are right. Lets just enjoy this!" Mika grab her shoulders and starts bouncing, waving her Army bomb around. Y/N joins in, singinf along and recording videons of her and Mika, totally not realizing how hard Jimin is trying to wink her way.

/////

"I did everything I can, and she still dont even acknowledge me!" Jimin huffed.

"Are you serious? Shes a fan and you still cant get her to even look at you? Wow Chim, you really have no jams," Namjoon laughs.

"Hyung, its not funny! What do I do?" Jimin grumbled.

"Okay, okay. Lets think. The whole two days. She didnt look at you? At all?" Namjoon inquired, trying to help the younger man.

"Well, she does look at me..," Jimin ponders.

"Okay. Then whats the problem? You did talk to her at the fansign yesterday right? And today? Did you guys hit it off? Did you two share any interest? Maybe you are just not her type. What did you two talked about? Tell me everything from A to Z," Namjoon pulls a chair and sits in front of him, giving Jimin his full attention.

"T-talk?"

"Yeah. Talk. Like what we are doing right now. Hi I'm Jimin, I like you, can I have your number so I can take you out sometime, that kind of thing," Namjoon eyed him carefully.

"W-well... I didnt really talk to her hyung.." Jimin trailed off.

"What do you mean? You get her name. What else did you ask her? You met her twice at a fan sign Chim," Namjoon eyed him curiously.

"Well, at the first meef, I asked her for her name, so I can sign her album. And she explained to me why she dont asks any questiona, and then I blanked out and before I know it, it was already Taehyung's turn," Jimin pouted. "The time is too short for each person!"

"Well, you never complain before!" Namjoon roll her eyes. "Them what about today?"

"T-today?" Jimin stutter nervously as the memory of today's fansign entered his mind.

He was in no mood at all today After the concert on the first day, Jimin was frustrated. Y/N didnt notice him. After the concert she went back like everyone else. She went out so fast he didnt even get the chance to ask security or his managers to call her out. Jimin knew that he wont evenr see her again. Having that in his mind ruin his whole mood.

He went by fan by fan, signing their album and giving small smiles when required. When asked, he only says hes a bit tired and his fans will express their worry and tell him to get some rest. Never would have thought that he would hear the voice again as a a flatten box of their offical light stick and the photocarda were slide in front of him.

"You already sign all my albums and posters yesterday, so this is all I have left for you to sign," Jimin look up to the smiling face of Y/N and he thought hes dreaming.

"Y/N?"

"Yeah," she smile. "Wow, you remembered me!"

"O-of course I do!" Jimin tries to calm himself. "I didnt think you would come again, and both fansigns? Wow,"

"Well," she giggles. "I guess I am your biggest fan. All of you were great last night,"

"Yeah? But you went off so fast!" Jimin pouts and cursed himself for saying that when Y/N gives him a weird look. Now he sounds like a stalker.

"So fast? How did you know?" Y/N asked him curiously. Did Jimin really saw her in the crowd?

"Uh well.. call it intituition," he laughs awkwardly and Y/N just nodded.

"Well..." Y/N looks around, feeling awkward as she waits for the fan in front of Taehyung to move and lets a breath if relief when she does. "Okay, I'll go now,"

"Wait!" Jimin panics. This might be his last chance to have any sort if way to contact her. "Do-you-think-you-can-give-me-"

"And oh, good luck for tonight," Y/N suddenly say at the same time as his word jumble and patted his hand. The moment her hand touched his, eventhough its just a pat and for a second, Jimin blanked out, all his senses gone, heart pumping so rapidly it almost burst out. Bedore he can calm himself down and find words again, the security already shouted next and Y/N quicy waved and move on to Taehyung.

"Both times? Seriously? You blanked out both times??" Namjoon is shrieking out now. "God, you are hopeless!"

"Y-yeah..." Jimin look at his hyung, scared. "Its not my fault she touched my hand hyung!" Jimin try to defend himself.

"Touch Chim. Not even hold. And you have done this with countless fans! Girl fans!" Namjoon is at the brink of giving up.

"But hyunggg," Jimin wailed. "Thise firls are not Y/N! She's so pretty and smart, and not startruck and everything she said to Tae and Kookie are funny and smart then I'm the one who kinda got starstruck..."

"Oh my god, you are a bigger idiot than I thought," Namjoon hissed and slap Jimin's forehead, making him rubbed it  "Okay, fine. But if you barely even talked to her, why are you saying she didnt acknowledge you? I mean... even if she does, which I think she should with your stupidity, she didnt even have a chance to say it, right?"

"But hyungggg, even if I didnt directly say it, its obvious I am flirting with her. And only her!" Jimin answered as if his effort is the most obvious thing in the world.

"Flirt? How?" Namjoon asked, curious on what Jimin meant by flirting if they never even have a proper conversation.

"Didnt you see my extra sexy moves on stage? My winks, my flying kisses, my hip thrusts, how many times I run my hand through my hair, and seductively too if I might add, during these two concert?" Jimin smile proudly.

"Wait, are you saying your little cabaret show this past two nights is you flirting with her?" Namjoon rubs his chin.

"Duhh, of course hyung. What else? I am not a man slut like Kookie who do it for fun hyung,"

"Idiot!" Namjoon slap his head hard this time.  "That is what you call flirting? We thought you were possesed by some strip club ghost or something!"

"Ow hyungg, what the hell??" Jimin rubbed his forehead.

"How the fuck is Y/N supposed to know you are flirting with her when you do that in front of a packed stadium you dimwit? A stadium full of screaming girls too! And you always do those shit, yeah, its a little extra this time, but she will just think you are doing your typical flirting with the crowd thing," Namjoon hissed

"W-what?" Jimin panics. "Do you really think she thinks like that? That I am justsome big flirt to my fans?"

"Duhhh," Namjoon roll his eyes.

"But its all for her!" Jimin wailed.

"She didnt know that dumbass. You should have shown your interest during the fanmeet. Both freaking times!" Namjoon sighed and stands up.

"Wait, where are you going hyung? We are not done yet!" Jimin stands up and follow his hyung like a puppy.

"I am not entertaining this dumb shit. Im going,"

"But what am I going to do?!" Jimin wailed for help.

"Nothing. The concert is over Chim. Just pray that you will see her again," Namjoon shrugs before he leaves the room. "You have three days before we fly back home. Make it count,"

/////

Their free day was filled with sight seeing, shopping and eating. Jimin had fun, yes, but he cant help but feeling down whenever he thought about his lost chance of getting to know Y/N more. He has never been this interested in a woman before, nor has he even felt this kind of amazing chemistry towards a girl. Y/N is special, Jimin know she is. And although he doesnt know for sure if she really is the one for him, but he is sure that he atleast wants to get to know her better. And he wants to see where they will go from there.

"Cheer up hyung! Its only a girl. You will forget her soon. I am sure of it," Jungkook smile and roughly hug his shoulder, dragging him into the anime store. "Atleast your amazing favorite maknae is still here with you,"

"Yeah. Annoying maknae," he laughs. "I am in no mood to look at animes abd robots Kook, and also in no mood to hear you and Tae arguing about whos the better hero or whatever," he looks around the street. "I am going to head there, the coffee shop. Meet me there okay?"

Jungkook shrugs and pulls Taehyung to the store instead as Jimin make his way to the coffeeshop. Securing his mask and cap, he enters and nothing surprised him more than seeing the perfect girl smiling at a customer behind the cashier counter.

Y/N.

/////

"Okay.. if thats Y/N.. why are the three of us hiding behind this huge flower pot like some criminal?" Jungkook asks Jimin in confusion. His hyung rans in panics and drags both him and Taehyung to the coffee shop. And with panting breath, he nervously points towards a girl and only one word comes out from his mouth. "Y/N" and they have been hiding behind a huge flower pot in the coffee shop since then.

"Well, because I dont want her to see us. See me. What do I say?" Jimin wioes his sweaty forehead.

"Thats it? Thats the reason you ran all the way, drag me and Tae-hyung here, and hides behind this pot for 40 minutes now?!" Jungkook looks at his hyung, not believing his reason. "Thats it, I'm going in and introducing us and getting you her number!"

"Wait. What?? No!" Jimin drags Jungkook back behind the pot.

"Why? Isbt that what you want hyung? Her number? You have been moping since last night!"

"Y-yeah.. but how can I just ask her. Thats Y/N. Y/N! What if she say no? O-or she laughs at me? Or thinks I'm weird?" Jimin is freaking out and even he hinself doesnt know why he is like this.

"Well, we dont know if we dont try Chim. Let me and Kookie go and ask for you," Taehyung speaks up and stands up, revealing himself. Jimin panics and pulls him back behind the pot.

"What the hell! No! Sit Tae. Let me just think of something okay? I need to impress her somehow. So she would never ever say no," Jimin rubs her chin and the three sits behind the pot for a while longer, all in silence before Jimin suddenly shouted. "Okay, I got it! She will say yes to be my girlfriend after this! I am sure of it!"

/////

"From Park Jimin? The Korean idol Park Jimin?" Y/N eyed the flower delivery man curiously as he smile and nods. "Is this a prank? Tell me, who put you up to this? Its a girl right?"

"Uh no.. its really Park Jimin. He came to the shop. With Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jungkook. I know its them because I am a fan and also," he taps the note on the flower, "Park Jimin put his name there,"

"So right now... you are saying.. that the world famous idol, Jimin, Jungkook and Taehyung, just walk into your store, in broad daylight, and ordered flowers.. for me?" She points to herself.

"Uh.. yeah. Thats about right," the deliveryman nods again and smile. Y/N lets out a loud sarcastic laugh.

"Okay, good one. I am pretty sure this is a prank now," she received the flowers and sniff it. "Atleast I get flowers, prank or not. Thanks,"

The delivery guy shrugs and leaves, but not before looking at Y/N as if shes crazy.

"It must be Mika. Shes the only one who thinks Jimin is looking at me at the concert," Y/N shrugs and continue her work, the flowers forgotten.

Or so she thought.

Throughout the day, many more weird deliveries were made. More flowers, big, expensive ones too, cupcakes, balloons, choclates, chocolates bouquets, and even a puppy, which Y/N immediately asked to be sent back. At this rate she knows it couldnt be Mika. Is it really Jimin?

But why?

How does he knows where she works?

Even if he did finds out, did he really remember her?

And even if he did remember, why is he sending her all this stuff?

Y/N was confused for the whole day, and shes also embarassed when the customers and even her supervisor keeps complimenting how sweet her boyfriend is. Truth is, shes nor even sure if its really Jimin whos sending her all this stuff.

The gifts continue for the next three days, and Y/N just accept and places it all at the store room, even fivinf out the food to her colleagues and loyal customers. After a long hard shift, its finally time to close up. And deciding to leave everything she receives today at the shop, she cleans up and cloaed up the shop. While locking the door suddenly someone tapped her back.

"A delivery for Miss Y/N..."

"Seriously?!" With a frustrated and tired sighed she turns around. "Its almost 12 am at- J-Jimin?"

Y/N couldnt ever imagine thats its really Park Jimin standing in front of her, holding a huge bouquet of flowers. His face is covered with a mask, yes, but theres no doubt that its him.

"Well.. yeah. Are you expecting someone else?" Jimin cocks his head. Even he is nor sure where he gets his sudden confidence.

"Well... no. But I didnt expect it to be you either. Is it safe for you to roam around Japan like this? Are you lost?" Y/N furrowed her brows. How can he be lost? Where is manager?

"No. I am not lost. Unless you count loss of words everytime I see you," he smile.

"Huh?"

"Uh.. no, no, nothing. Uh.. you dont sound excited to be receiving all the gifts I sent you?" Jimin suddenly remembered hows frustrated she sound earlier when she thought he ia the delivery man.

"Well, to be honest. Not really. I mean.. I am not even sure it its really from you. And even though it is, I am still curious as to why? I mean... you dont really know me... and we are not really friends. Right?" Y/N looks at him.

Jimin is speechless. Doesnt girls like that kind of stuff? Especially from someone like him? But as he look at Y/N who is standing in front of him, face full of confusion, he realizes, Y/N is not like normal girls. thats why he felt attracted to her. Look at her right now, standing in front of him bur isnt starstruck at all.

"Uh.. to be honest, I kinda feel a chemistry between us when we first met at the first fansign..." Jimin takes a deep breath. Courage dont leave me now. "And.. I uh.. would like to talk more with you. To get to know you,"

"Okay..m so you decide to stalk me?" Y/n take a step back, a little scared. Jimin raised his hands up defensively.

"No, no! Its not like that. I didnt stalk you to find out where you work. I accidentally found out where you work 3 days ago, so I thought I could send you gifts, as a way to break the ice-"

"Wait, so you had known where I work for three days, and instead of coming in and say hi, like a normal person, you decide to flaunt your money and buy me stuff?" Y/N is trying to understabd what is the man trying to do.

"Well.. uh.. it sounds bad when you put it like that...but-but I thought you knew about my interest in you!" Jimin tries to safe whatever dignity he has left as Y/N eyes him carefully. "I have been flirting with you for the two whole concert days!"

"Flirting? When??" Y/n questioned him. "You barely even talk to me during the fansign Jimin-ssi," Y/N reminds him.

"D-dont you see me malong eye contact with you on stage? All those dance moves? Those extra stuff I did?"

"Huh?" Y/N looks straight at him. "Are you telling me that is you flirting?" Y/N didnt know if she should laugh or be pissed right now. "Thats the way to show me that you want to talk to me?"

"Y-yes,"

"Jimin... If you want to talk to me you can just ask. To be honest, I find you interesting to talk to too," Y/N smile.

"Really?!"

"Yeah... but after this weird gift giving thing... I am not sure..."

"What? No! I am not weird! Uh actually," Jimin panics. Is Y/N really going to just shut him away now? He has to do something. The thing that he planned to do when he came here. "Actually, I'm flying back to Korea tomorrow but before I leave... I just uh... wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend," he quickly pulls out a box with a white gold diamond bracelet inside. "And give you this,"

Y/N was silenced for a moment and Jimin hope that thats a good sign. He knows its rash, but hes leaving to Korea tomorrow and he needs a way to stay in touch with her. To just... make her his.

"Are you seriously kidding me right now?" Was Y/N's answer after the silenced.

"N-no?"

Y/N scoff.

"You never even introduce yourself properly to me. Or get to know me. Or even talk to me for the matter! How do you know you even really like me? If its only a blind atttaction, only because you like how I look, then I dont want any of it! Yes, I am your fan and I kmow mostly everything about you, but I dont want to know you as BTS' Park Jimin, I want to know you as Park Jimin... do you get it? And giving me ridiculous expensive gifts for three days is flirting and a way to talk to me?? And please know that hip thrusting and swiping your hair back on stage doesnt count either. What are you trying to do? Do you think I am that kind of girl Jimin?" Y/N look softly at him.

"I want a guy to ask me out, to ask me if I have plans and take his time to know me. I dont need your money or your fame Jimin. If you really like me, you would know thats the kind of girl I am. I am leaving, I am sorry, I have to declined. Have a safe flight back to Korea," Y/N bows and walks away, leaving Jimin alone.

Jimin was silenced by her unexpected outburst. He really didnt think ahe would say all this, nor did he think about how stupid his plans are. Taehyung and Jungkook has warned him, even suggested to just greet her and ask for her number, but noooo, he has to feel like he needs to impress her with expensive gifts. Now look what happen.Everything she says just make Jimin realized that she is excatly what he wants, who he needs in a woman. In a life partner. He wants to get to know her, all of her, but it seems like hes too late now.

/////

"Hyung? You okay?" Jungkook sat beside him on the bed. Its been a few days after the tour, and Jimin has been sad and locking himself in his rooms ever since.

"Yeah.. I guess?" Jimin answered lifelessly.

"You dont look okay Chim. You look... lost?" Taehyung sat at the other side of him.

"I am lost Tae. I have never been this lost in my entire life. I think I lost myself in Japan, I acted the way I would never have, and because of it, I lost my love,"

"Well.. if you lost something in Japan... I guess you have to go and get it back. Simple Chim," Taehyung grins and pat his back, hoping his best friend will understand what he meant.

/////

What happened last week is still a blur to Y/N. Did Park Jimin really sent her gifts for three days straight? The Park Jimin? Worldwide idol Park Jimin? And did he really showed up to her coffee shop and tell her he lijes ber, and wanted her to be his girlfriend? And did she rejected him, just like that?

Everything is like a dream to her. She is not even sure if it really happened it shes just imagining it all. But the wilted flowers and uneaten chocolate bars proves that all of it is too real.

She cant lie to herself. Her heart did do a little flip at the sight of Jimin that night. Yes, shes practical, but theres still a part of her that wants a fairy tale ending for herself too. She almost say yes, her heart is beating out from her chest. She cant believe its happening, Park Jimin likes her... but then her practical side takes over. Reminding her that they barely knew each other, what if Jimin ends up not liking her? And what she told Jimin is true, she wants someone who will ask her out, who will take his time to learn about her, just as mich as she will learn about him.

Maybe Jimin is only a drean afterall.

As she walks along the sakura covered park, Y/N sighed. Shes at her happy place. Her beautiful home, but she has never felt so lost.

/////

"Thank god I found you here," the voice behind her pants. Y/N immediately turns around only to see Park Jimin panting, holding his knees. Is she hallucinating in broad daylight now?

"Jimin? Is that really you?" She looks at the figure closely. Jimin looks up after catching his breath

"H-hi. I'm Park Jimin, and I came all the way from Korea just to find you, and someone told me that you are at a sakira park, but theres a lot of sakura park during during spring in Japan and I went to like 30 of them and then I got lost all over Japan, but I dont care, because I can handle being lost in Japan, but I cant handle losing myself again and worse, losing a chance to know you," he smile at her stunt reaction. "Y/N.. I got lost all over Japan, just so I can ask you..," Jimin wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans as Y/N smile at his stuttering form.

"Yes, Park Jimin?" Y/N flashed him a wide smile, easing his mind and making all his doubts dissappear, a surge of confidence suddenly surfacing in him.

"Do you... do you perhaps have any plans tonight? Because I want to take you out. I want to spend the whole night getting to know you, all about you," He took a step forward and bravely hold her waist, grinning widely.

"And why would you want to do that when you just met me three times Park Jimin?" Y/N hide her smile any longer.

"Because I.. well, because honestly Y/N..." he tuxks a stray hair behind her ears and look straight into her eyes, "I cant get you out of my mind,"