#kinda vent so you can ignore it
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idk
#kinda vent so you can ignore it#my drawing skill vanished i think#if i draw anything its only portraits bc the whole body scares me nowadays#and i hate it#i used to bullshit my way through anatomy and now#and now i cant#im trying to go slow and learn to love making art for myself#but its hard#i think its burnout#i want to create freely again
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turns out a brief moment of feeling ok doesnt mean im done grieving
anywho, heres a vent doodle with a pose i saw online, might not reblog the road trip thread posts for a bit (i feel bad for not being able to participate in my own trend but as long as people enjoyed it then i dont mind all too much)
i dont wanna call it a break bc i cant help but be on tumblr, but things might go quiet in terms of art or me talking.
hope yall are doin well today/tonight/timezone n ill see yall when i see you :3
#oz rambles#aaaaaaa sorry for the venting#i try to not do so much on the sideblog bc i wanna make this a place to chill#but i dont want anyone to think im ignoring in reblogging their posts#i see every road trip post n i love it when yall tag me in stuff#i just dont have the spoons for the next while to respond in a way i can properly express my gushing towards them#i love how i say its just a silly little event but i also get beaten up by the fact i cant properly do the prompts atm /lh#anywho impromptu ramble in the tags over#also if anyone who has reblogged my earlier post abt my situation sees this. tysm for your messages. /gen#i cant properly find the words to express it. but they mean a lot and i thank you for taking the time to write em#gonna go and rest mentally now#love you all#cw death#vent#artswin#kinda#tis just a doodle#naroz#ozrator#digitalmuse#selfship#qpr selfship#self ship
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animal jam is great as long as you dont find out about the racism
#guess who found out about the racism#tbf idk why it took me so long. genuinely i thought ppl were just unaware#as opposed to being culturally appropriative knowingly & simply not caring#i know its just a video game but doesnt it make it worse then if you are unwilling to avoid using a literally racist item#the justifications i have heard for trading or wearing it are INSANE#and also proof that even in a video game appropriation can do damage like. oh my god?#in case it wasnt clear im talking about headdresses in animal jam. You know.#the item removed bc it was appropriative#but golly gee gosh its rare guys. better trade it and wear it to prove ur rich#also somebody got passive aggressive with me in an aj based disc server when i pointed out it was appropriative#“you cant control people” im not trying to im asking that they stop being racist#also yes its just a video game but its a popular one and i would fully argue it is teaching ppl to ignore their actions if it benefits them#then again ig i shouldnt be shocked there#game with rampant hacking and scamming also has a tendency to teach players to benefit regardless of consequence?#who couldve predicted this#animal jam#vent#<- i guess?#it feels kind of dumb to vent about animal jam of all things tbh#but also. like. idk its a beloved childhood game#and im allowed to be kinda disappointed that so many ppl on aj are willing to be mildly racist
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i just want to know if anybody else on tumblr is taking health and social in college because i am, and today we had to fix our feedback except (this isn't me bragging.. i promise.) i didn't have any, and i am literally never in lesson - i always waffle, but like maybe it's cause of all the extra explanations and definitions??
#i am so confused.#if i do so well here why can i in my english lessons?#i wanna cry.#but like i do kinda wanna brag-#hehe.#🤭😭#college#i hate college.#this morning i spilt milk down myself and had to change and then i got stuck in the rain#but then my mum brought me mcdonalds#and then i had a test so my teacher let us leave an hour hour#so i got to have a second lunch and i saw my friend from another class#then i thought i was going to class late but the teacher was late#OH!!#i also forgot my english book but it didn't matter#anyways..#during lesson the teacher basically ignored me cause she was helping other people.#and then she was like if you've done this you can leave but i left anyways.#so i got home at 5 and only finished it at 8 but like idk if i was even supposed to do half of the work i did in the assignment#and i still have 3 tasks.#DID I TELL YOU IT WAS MY FIRST DAY BACK?#personal#vent
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➥ ps: tuesdays will probably be ask game day if it happens since that’s my day off (or wednesday if you’re in one of the more eastern time zones)
#not akito#[kinda rant/vent below oops]#do i…do i tag this angst#like i know it’s my blog and i can do what i want#but at the same time i definitely did not post a ton of extra stuff frequently when i was starting out#so in the (i admit unlikely) event there’s actually a significant portion that doesn’t really want to see it#i’d at least like to know that before i make a decision#can you guys tell i got some kind of anxiety/rsd problem#is it bad#<— y’all can fuckign ignore me if i’m highkey cringe#i don’t really care and i kinda doubt people sending me hate would actually bother me at all?#but at the same time i do respect you guys and enjoy seeing those of you in my notifications frequently so like idk??#i know i generally try to not get super personal here cause i can do that on main and all that#but i do not have my shit together as much as my posting consistency might suggest lmaooooooo#hooooo boy if you read this far uhhhhhh…look closely at the bonus akitos from the neo 2DMV but kinda unreality warning#;) wink wonk
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I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops
#m thinking now and im like#i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything#in genuinely so long#and i was like kinda becoming ok w it#my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it#part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me#deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care#im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao#my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me#and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me#like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok.#he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when#he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time#and he was like yeah bc you are worthless#and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao#i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something#nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol#m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should#vent
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Today was the second birthday this year of a friend that I thought I was really close with that i didn’t get invited to
#birthday#fake friends#friend group#I’ve literally counseled this girl through half her shit this year and then she doesn’t even invite me to her birthday that she invited#people she barely talks to too and then after that she turns around and hangs out with my fucking brother of all people#I can’t wait for a new school next year so I can finally get away from the people who stopped appreciating me a long time ago#I know it sounds kinda selfish but I truly have not done anything (in the last 4 years) to ever hurt or fully disregard them and I really#don’t know what happened#one week we were waking to and from school together everyday and now I feel like I’ve been rejected from our walking group and I’m literally#uncomfortable walking with them in the mornings because they just fully ignore me the entire time#this isn’t even about just the one friend anymore#this is also happening with someone else who was supposed to be my best friend and now she barely talks to me anymore#and like I can accept that we’re not bffs anymore cause it happened a year or two ago so I’ve moved passed it#but she just pretends I don’t exist anymore#we have like three classes together and on snap she got an send it that’s said like tag your fav people on each class#and when I tell you i was in the room with her when she posted I and she didn’t even mention me#istfg#im gonna stop now because this is getting extremely ranty but I can’t really talk to anyone about this irl so this is just my vent space now
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I had to skip therapy this week and I’m handling it really well. I’m definitely not filled with a sadness and rage that threatens to consume me whole.
#and I ate some hushpuppies#don’t worry. I’ve got therapy again in uhhhh January#I feel so stupid and selfish complaining about it but I really kinda needed that little 1 hour outlet to vent to someone I trust#but uh…. god it sounds so stupid and trite to say ‘hey I’ve been thinking a lot about killing myself lately’ but uh ‘hey…’#and I don’t want to complain about specifics on here because that’s annoying for people#my birthday is Sunday and my mom is still in the hospital not doing well and I’m just… done with everything#I’m ready to be done#but I’m too full of worry about my family after I’m gone.#and I frustratingly always hold on to things long after they’ve gone rotten. my life included.#maybe if I hold on things will improve. probably. but that’s a future issue and I’m here living now#to me. for me. it feels disingenuous to post online about being self destructive.#so I guess… I’m just upset 🤷🏻♂️ but when am I not?#it was a long. frustrating. terrible day.#it’s whatever#you can ignore this#text
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Google didn't give me any answers to my question (womp womp) sooo...
Question.
What's it called when you start thinking a sentence but then you have to start over because you didn't "think it right"?
#i know that no ones gonna see this but eh#and like. its not that i lost my train of thought#the train of thought is still there#its just that it has to restart its thought journey#i know that this post probably makes 0 sense whatsoever but google isnt giving me answers and im not gonna talk to anyone irl about this#but yeah#vent#would this actually count as a vent post? eh. whatever.#also its been happening for quite a while (im pretty sure) but i started noticing it more often recently so. do with that what you will#also it didnt start off as thoughts. when i first noticed it it was (its kinda hard to explain it) more like#having to do this kinda “clicking” noise with my tounge? and i had to redo it whenever i did it#because my brain decided that i wasnt doing it “correctly”.#maybe the clicking thing isnt related to this but i think it is. also the clicking thing still affects me so. ye.#ALSO ANOTHER THING#usually when it happens its like. to the tune/rythm of a song (no song in particular just whatever song im thinking of at the moment) so ye.#thats weird.#oh and also it happens with blinking sometimes.#no clue if any of the things i said are related but ye. my brain is just very funky i guess.#idk its just kinda annoying whenever it happens.#also i CAN ignore the urges but it just feels kinda? wrong? for some reason?#not wrong as in morally wrong but like. wrong.#long post#actually more like long tags but eh
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every fandom ive been in always has people who engage in so much fandom discourse and like 9 times out of 10 I fully agree with their opinion but they’re just. so mean about it
#how can someone be so mean that i (person who literally agrees with them) feel hurt?#kinda fucked up if you ask me#why are there people like this in EVERY fandom. why is that#also these are the same people who start the discourse. they say they aren’t but they’re always the ones who make vague rude posts about#random posts in the general tag that they are probably just not the target audience for#in most of the fandoms ive been in it was just kids like that which still sucks but also sometimes it’s adults? which is so weird to me?#why are people like this why do people CHOOSE to be mean#I mean for some of it it was because it was on twitter and twitter is Twitter but still why do people have to be mean on there#I have not looked at that wretched site for YEARS now and holy shit is my fandom experience (and life in general) is better for it#this is. kind of a vent i guess? i’ll tag it as one just in case lol#vent#also ive blocked all these people lol dw#I guess some i don’t have blocked because they make funny shitposts and aren’t SUPER mean but I ignore them when they’re not being funny#which is usually easy enough
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TW/CW: uhhh grief n death I guess lol
Don't you just LOVE when someone says you should be over someone's death by now. Thanks asshole I'm magically over it😀
#Literally heard this less than a year after his death AND my own mother just said a minute ago lmao#“it's been almost four years” congratulations you can kinda do math#Not even good math bud it's been 3 actually so#Y'all can. Idk ignore this I just need to vent I guess.#Also maybe never say this shit to someone
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oh boy i'm finally having the "i'm not LGBT enough" existential dread!
#vent#my art doesn't look like i went to college#it also doesn't look like i'm lgbt+#my characters are ace until proved otherwise#which means no sexy pin up art (not that i would ever cause. ya know. sex repulsed)#no silly shipping wars or will they won't theys#no romantic subplots (cause i kinda hate them)#“you can still have romance if your characters are ace!” i know that#but i hate romantic sub plots#and then theres the “this is ace eraser!” crowd who forget aro exists#i don't have any characters who would wear the flag so thats bad#my stories don't have characters advertising to the camera their sexualties#its all just lame and “safe” and “inoffensive”#i already feel like if i made a comic it'll get ignored and my efforts would be wasted#i don't also need THIS#aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh
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I feel so abandoned lately.. it's like I'm a little girl and today is my first day of school and I know no one once again. sigh
#vent in tags?#so aheem. yeah it happens that my friends and i always play together#but when one of us can't make it none of us play because we want to be together yknow#but it happens that today I wasn't going to be able to join. and one of my friends just went-#”oh nevermind. the two of us can join to advance and you can come another day when you're able”#and i just ? idk it kinda freaked me a bit because it's the first time they say that?#but well i agreed because idk. my first thought was that they were very excited to play or something. but it did make me feel a bit. uneasy?#and yeah i tell them that i may be able to join around 11 but they just. ignored my messages#and i waited for them to reply but the reply never came#and i still opened our disc server to see if they're there and yeah. they're talking. they were projecting something a while ago too#and idk it's not that deep but i do feel a bit bad. if it had been any of the other two we would've agreed not to play till another day#but the very first time this happens it had to be with me as the subject#I've always had a rooted social anxiety that i thought i had overcome in the past but i don't think i have#my thoughts are spinning and i feel bad and the recent friendship paranoia i got is not helping#if i was normal i would probably join the vc and ask them directly why they aren't answering my messages but I'm not brave enough#so i guess I'll play alone tonight and tomorrow we'll see#but i feel very sad and lonely right now#:(#vent#rant
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eugh........ i forgowr how to draur
#ignore the tags#so frustrating havent drawn in months#those moods when u come back feom a depressive episode and u feel okayer. but now you cant do anything that used to make u happy#u know.#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#and ive been trying really hard to stay hyperfixated on bnha because im scared of going into other fandoms#but i got into trigun and orv and other things and now i dont feel as attached to bnha as i once was. it feels like i lost something#ofc i still love everything but not like i used to. like i can draw. but not as good as i used to#im kinda sad about that..#like. i dont like the idea of changing to the point where idk what im doing#but it feels like im already doing that#everythings going at full speed and i cant catch up..#it feels like the only thing i can do is read and stare at a empty screen and idk. do nothing#hhhh this got lengthy#vent#personal#delete later#hae shitposts
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My dad has this theory about “project-based friends” that I’ve been thinking about lately. A project-based friend is someone you meet through fandom/hobbies, and they’re usually really easy to get super close to while you’re both invested in the project, be it an actual project or the same fandom/fixation or whatever else.
But as soon as one or both of you moves on from the project, you fall out of touch. Because the project-based friend doesn’t really care about you as a person as much as they care about what you bring to the project. Or even if they do care about you, they just don’t know how to keep a friendship up when you don’t have a project together.
This isn’t necessarily a selfish thing, it’s just… the friendship isn’t personal. A project-based friend will have fun with you while it lasts and then either move on entirely or stay kinda half in your life, never really reaching out or holding real conversations. And I think a big part of my problem is that I’ve been expecting project-based friends to stick around for me when really we just liked the same work of fiction for a while. I keep thinking I’ve made a new best friend and then they get into some media I don’t like and the whole friendship kinda disappears.
#this is hard to accept because it’s some of the people I consider my best friends. but my dad is probably right.#they’ve gotten a new project and that doesn’t mean they hate me it just means I’m like. not on their radar how I once was.#do I cry about it every weekend? of course.#but I am trying to learn to not take it personally#cause I don’t think it’s about me. I think it’s about them having new interests and me not being able to join in with that#I’ve TRIED to join in but it just doesn’t work. I just don’t like the current project.#and maybe when the project is something I do like we can talk again#that’s another thing about project based friends is it seems like I am always the one making an effort to get into their new thing.#almost never them trying for me. and if they do try it is very short lived. oh well#Calvin talks#vent#I guess#personal#I dunno. it’s been over half a year. I’m getting tired.#also WHY is it that 9 times out of 10 my project based friends will get me into the damn thing and then move on before I do#dude I did this for you!!! I got into this shit so we would have something to talk about!!! and now you are ignoring me!!!!#sorry. I’m having a rough evening#I kinda don’t know if I should post this actually#I don’t like to get personal on tumblr#and this isn’t intended to vague anyone it’s just some ruminations on the nature of almost every friendship I’ve ever had.#even tho it DOES feel especially bad lately#like I care more than ever and people are either stringing me along or ignoring me entirely#but like. again. I just tend to get too invested in relationships that don’t matter to the other person#or that do matter to them but not as much#delete later
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idc if ppl think im problematic i just want it to be for the actual real reasons i am
#like... im kinda aggressive and might attack if provoked... i intentionally exude a threatening presence and personality to#scare ppl away but also bc i will actually try to fuck you up if you fuck with me too much. i also struggle with not knowing#how to handle my cat yelling besides yelling at him which reinforces him but it doesnt matter bc he does it anyways even#if i stubbornly ignore him so idfk what to do i think he just think thats the normal way to talk atp and it driveS ME INSANE BECAUSE#HE IS MOEWS ARE SO LOUD AND SOUND LIKE A FUCKING BABY CRYING WHICH TRIGGERS A PRIMAL PARENTAL THING IN#ME AND HES MANIPULATING THAT TO GET MY ATTENTION FOR SHIT HE DOESNT NEED HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#LIke. im problematic in some ways. no im not as problematic as you might think but like. i still recognize i got a lot of shit to work on#over here yaknow. its shit i think about all the time and keep trying to figure out what i can do about.#which is also why i dont need ppl riding on my ass about shit that i already know better about#i honestly think yall think me being inflammatory online makes me a bad person... idk. and i dont really think im all that controversial#or inflammatory in what i say but anyone being that in any capacity in your opinion makes them Bad for some reason?? idrk.#im trying to figure it out. like you either just have to believe any lie someone tells about me or you just hate how annoying i am to you#on the internet. something you can easily avoid by blocking me.#also the things i say online... dont necessarily directly translate to offline? im not really like this irl... im definitely a lot more#aggressive online than i am off...#offline i try to keep things calm and gentle and i try to be considerate and nice to those around me. ig i dont feel like tumblr#has earned that side of me yet 🤷#i literally have an idyllic ass garden and essentially green house ok. i dont talk about the happenings of my daily life on here#much bc i worry talking about it on here will taint it somehow.#maybe im too superstitious. maybe im worried about being stalked. maybe its a combo of many things but theres certain info#i dont trust with certain types of people and if tumblr was a person i would not trust that person with that info.#the friend to get drunk with not to watch your cats and house while you're out of town. etc.#ill vent about my trauma but i dont want you... in my life... Like That lmao. we just go to the same bar...
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