#kind of having to go to work depressed
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Remember: The burning sensation is part of the process.
#Mouthwashing#blood#body horror#Emphasizing here that this is in reference to a media and character and not a cry for help on my end.#Mouthwashing is one of those games that tickles my brain and checks all the boxes for my niche interests -#-but it wasn't something that got the silly comic part in my cortex firing up. My analysis brain is eating well though!#What said...It is impossible for me to see this scene and not say out loud: “Me in the middle of my work day".#While there is a lot more going on with curly I personally resonated a lot with his struggles with burnout.#Burnout feels like mouthwash to me. That you keep rinsing out your mouth trying to get rid of the rotting smell#but it's just surface level solutions. The real cure requires something far more significant to actually make a difference.#The job 'is hard' and 'everyone struggles'. It's part of the process right? You're tired? Anxious? Depressed? Us too! Chin up!#Actually I resonated with a lot of things within Curly (this is a curly positive space - he's not perfect. He's just human).#One thing being his desire to see the good in people and believe in their potential.#Because here's the thing. Some people truly do just need someone in their corner who stands by them so they can grow and improve.#And some people will take advantage of your kindness. You focus so much on their humanity while you stop being a person to them.#The horrifically toxic relationship persists because Curly tries to see the bigger picture and believes in the good within.#Anyone who has lived through constantly trying to reframe the hurt as something else knows-#-just how many excuses your brain will make to avoid cognitive dissonance. It's human psychology.#Jimmy sucks so bad. But we the audience have the privilege of not having years of baggage associating him in our minds as 'friend'.
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random question, do you think it's possible for someone who has lost their creativity to regain it? ..asking for a friend..
im not sure what your situation is, but i believe everyone has creative potential just from being a human being and you cant just permanently lose your creativity. i struggle with losing creativity at times, usually its when I go into a depressive period. I usually just keep making art through it, ill look through old ideas I wrote down or work on commissions just stuff that doesnt require a ton of creativity but keeps me working on art. even if I dont feel good doing it just doing the work of making art helps me to eventually want to make art again
#i dont rly have any advice for this sorry#but this kind of sounds like burnout#idk if what I do will work for you or not all i can really do is share how i deal w it#i go in and out of depressive episodes kind of like bipolar but without manic episodes#i just feel like total shit for some weeks or months and then feel normal again and its independent of enviornmental stuff or triggers#i cant rly do anything about it except try to lessen the depression w meds and such
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also 4got to say but wORKING ON THE NEXT COMIC SECTION NOW
#THISSUNS GUNNA GET GREASYYYYY#slapping myself out of some weird discount depression episode bc wtf was that lmfao where did my week go gdi#get back from vegas after having a fun and relaxing time only to go into a blurry sludge of working and sleeping all day what kind of#BULLSHIT
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lmao it is undeniably true that I am Depressi Spaghetti but you know. fuck it we continue.
#red said#i am hoping!!!! that this is January Brain speaking#it FEELS as if I've been in an extended depressive episode since like. may or June#but depression is a Filthy Fucking Liar so that may or may not be true#either way it's very tedious. there is no reason for this. i am very loved and cared for. i am doing well. it is just that my brain is soup#SAD AND SELF-LOATHING SOUP#we cannot resist the Soup we can only swim on through#idk it is like. i feel as if i don't exist beyond work i feel like I'm losing myself i feel like I'm very alone#this all FEELS very true even though actually i have many passions i do many things and i am booked to the gills with social engagements#so you know. what's it all about? The Soup. possibly also The Dark.#possibly also also that many people i care about are going through really rough times and I'm kinda. not?#and that's WEIRD both that I'm not and that I've developed like a level of boundaries where people i live going through it#doesn't mean I'm in a constant state of panic.#and slash or. where I'm too depressi spaghetti to have the energy to be there for them#i don't THINK it's that. that's never been a thing for me before really.#but idk i think it's like when i reach the end of my to do list i panic that I've forgotten something vital#i am not panicking and that makes me feel. strange and empty and immobile.#even though in actuality I'm in constant motion like. barely a free moment. but i FEEL static i FEEL inactive#because I'm not in 24/7 crisis mode#and then bc i feel inactive i don't understand why I'm so tired. I'm so tired because I'm ALWAYS DOING THINGS.#but also i do feel kind of. numb. everything is just running past me. except sometimes i feel spasms of grief cause like#I've ended or majorly changed a lot of relationships this past year#but yeah i think the numbness is PROBABLY the January of it all and will PROBABLY lift in March/April#and if it doesn't. well. fuck it. we continue. i am yet young.
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...so my laptop finally died
#its me the mun#died right after i finished a reply. colour n all. im so sad#i cant even upload it anywhere now!!! cos my laptop is now unresponsive!!!!#i literally had it in thr drafts i was typing out the tags n then my laptop crashed i wanted to cry#i was so close..........#im gonna try n see if i can at least save that one reply#god i owe like 90% of the blog to this laptop. i know its about time but..... not like this........#i was just typing in the tags before my laptop crashed. i kind of wanted to keep this blog with art from my laptop#since it looks a little different from my ipad sketches. cleaner. neater. consistent colours#but i guess now i dont really have a choice u-u#well not like the inbox is that full. ill see what i can do with the two or so asks i have#i will set aside time to draw thats my new years resolution i refuse to fall back into work induced depression#anyway fifi pls give me more time to get to ur reply im so sad i couldnt get it out before it died......#i spent half an hour trying to get it to go past the welcome screen...... sighs.....
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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🥲
#just a heads up if it seems like I'm blogging and normal: I am not#have genuinely been struggling between planning either... suicide. or to run away from everything#idk all I can even say is I'm just capital t Trying. right now. for anything#so I'm distracting myself somewhat with stuff like finishing fgo stories and whatever#All I want is to be treated with a little dignity.#and I feel like lately nobody does or people just assume the worst of me and then blame me for it#or infantilize me or act like I'm some fucking animal to be observed and trained#this is on top of the amount of stress I'm going thru at work being the person who comes in clutch while Everybody calls out sick#so yeah I have been contemplating ending it all lately because I can't fix myself and I kind of don't want to#regular posting may return idk#we'll just have to see how this next week goes#I just ask people to not take out their frustration on me I am already dealing with everybody I ever known taking it out on me right now#and treating me badly and blaming things on me because they know I can 'handle it'#so I'm struggling between 'it's really me that's irrevocably bad everyone else is right' and 'everyone is taking their depression out on me'#and I just. can't. take it. anymore.#and I don't have the energy to defend myself because every day someone asks me to take responsibility for some nonsense or try to mediate#and i don't have time for my own feelings right now so I'm just driven to try and hurt myself#and I couldn't even talk about this for a week. I would hear myself or another alter telling me to shut the fuck up and stop being dramatic#I couldn't process anything#I couldn't physically or mentally even conceptualize telling anyone anything because it all just seemed so stupid to me#and it kind of is?#but I don't really know what to do about it.#so here I am. Still here for now. I don't know. I don't feel like anyone can actually help me. I'm well aware that nobody Can help me#so rose is forced to be alone once again while whatever this is passes or changes shape. idk#long tags //////92829
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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as a little treat i am sharing with you little Aya doodles I've done over the last few days to unwind ww just little expressions based on lines in-game because those are always fun to draw. nothing too special just biscuit
it's Aya because upon doing bizarrely throughout playthroughs of the game for still unspecified project purposes I've gained a soft spot for her she's my daughter now my mental tier list on my favorite characters is so confusing right now
#re:kinder#fanart#aya re:kinder#aya hibino#i state shes my daughter NOW because before i didnt pay too big of a mind to her#but honestly in each different playthrough of this game i gain new appreciation for each character#because fun fact ryou was my favorite character at first just because he seemed nice and was a healer and was nice#second playthrough brought in rei and shunsuke in my mind because they ate it up wirh their roles in the story#meanwhile as time passed yuuichi started to grow on me as i realized he was a little too relatable BASICALLY THINGS LIKE THAT#and spoilers for the unspecified project mentioned in the text just because i feel like it#i also did this because having a transcript of every line just spurred me on becquse of how easy it made things#its much more fun to start doing these kind of line based doodles when you dont have to manually go througj hours of gameplay to find stuff#so just being ablr to ctrl f through a document made me very glad HEUEHEHEBEHR#im still working on it it needs proofreading and polishing on some sides but overall it should be here soon i hope#if anyones interested in it do let me know HUEHEHEBRB i will post it regardless but it would be nice to know if anyone is interested#ANYWAY#as to why Aya seems to have a purse when her sprite doesnt its because her equipment mentions her carrying a yellow pouch#its meant to be that!!!#she looks very goofy with it on made me giggle ngl#(as in. amusement)#it adds more interest to her visual design so its nice to have it there im glad its there#OH YEAH SOME COMMENTARY ON ONE OF HER LINES HERE THAT REALLY PIQUED MY INTEREST#if sayaka dies and shes there to see it (thus. you chose to bring her with you) she has this line#where it implies that shes afraid of dying which makes things sad when she's suicidal#she already states i think her desire is more to disappear than to die exactly but even then it's quite sad#like even if she wants to disappear with how gloomy she's feeling and all the things going around with her parents#shes just a little girl who doesn't want to die😭😭#it really adds a sense of realism to how depression is tackled in game at least for me#that when one is depressed and suicidal a lot of the time it's the wish for this state of suffering to end rather than to actually die#SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER ITS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT UPPED MY APPRECIATION FOR HER
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unfortunately i have the kind of autism that makes people have to explain things to me/i have to bounce my ideas around with people who know things before thoughts become anything for me
#when i did cape literature it was the first time i had actually read shakespeare in its like. original english dialect#and i would read the play on my own at home‚ not understand anything much less connect themes or anything#then go to school and sit in class while we read it and it would feel like i was reading it for the first time#much of my existing is masking like. pretending i know things i think i'm fr stupid at heart#<- i got away with a lot of this at school like i never spoke in patois i never wore braids my parents were still super helicopter-y#so i was generally unaware of like. school gossip or jamaican pop culture because at first i didn't have a phone and then later on#i straight up stopped caring about pretending to care about that stuff#i was pretty quiet but at the same time i had a lot of friends but didn't have a friend group etc etc#i Appeared like the perfect student so i got away w cheating on tests or not knowing stuff etc etc#especially towards the end of highschool when my depression got really bad and my overall average was in the 60s#very often i would submit assignments and tests thinking i got my point across perfectly or answered questions right according#to what i studied then id get the grades and commentary back and i fucking failed or something#so now whenever my profs or people in fandom r like you're so smart or you articulate your works very well i'm like What the fuck thank you#and it imprints in my brain forever because this is new to me#jamaican academia and jamaica in general is like so much about following roles than it is being a person#and when you're neglected and outcast and autistic it becomes impossible to be jamaican at all#and now people both here (jamaica) and in ghe us ask me shit like “wait you were born and puved in jamaica your whole life??”#it's. anyway#this post was originally about how i'm actually kind of stupid#*
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#I can't believe my computer broke just a couple of days before the new chapter came out.#Not to be dramatic or anything but this was my last straw#It means everything to me 😭😭😭 My puter has my whole life in in. And endless resources of everything#That's why people tell you to backup stuff 🤦🤦🤦#Okay before I get too dramatic it's not gone like I can turn it on just fine.#Except there's no cursor to be found anywhere and I can't find a way to fix it#(Yeah it's not the f4 key I've tried that. Repeatedly)#So since there's no way to turn the puter off without mouse I had to kill it the hard way 4-5 times today#(aka every time I tried turning it on again in hope everything got fixed on its own)#And when I turned it on again five minutes ago. IT DIDN'T START NORMALLY. AND IT ASKED THE SYSTEM LANGUAGE AND STUFF#I lost like. Half my lifespan. I was terrified it got formatted out of nowhere and I had lost everything#It didn't. It seemingly is fine (from what I can see from my desktop).#But man I really didn't need this kind of stress on top of average exams depression#Idk what to do... I want to go to the guy in my dorm who studies computer science but it'd be the third time I ask him for help–#and I'm a little embarrassed now. Asking for help sucks in general#But I don't have money to pay consultation...#I think there is a chance my touchpad just worn out since. Like. I use my computer extensively#But even that seems a little excessive? Not even the buttons work. I've only had this computer for three or four years...#Anyways I don't have a physical mouse. And I can't spend money to buy it when there's a chance that wouldn't fix the problem. Ughhhhhhhhhh#random rambles#If I stop posting in the next days. It's simply because I can't 😭😭😭#Goodbye people please keep posting ss kk for me
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my dog might die tonight
my mom's depressed and emotionally exhausted, to the point she slurs her words and feels like a zombie most days
has said to my face she doesn't want to fix it
that soon her mom will die and me and my sister are grown so...
we don't need her
and my dog's old and sick
in pain
at the vet getting oxygen and medication
to see if he'll make it through the night
and thank god he's there, so he doesn't have to suffer
but he's not next to us
he might die alone away from us
i think there's some poetic bullshit there
he would die in pain by our side
but he has a chance to survive away from us
and if he doesn't make it till the next day he'll die alone, but without pain
i just want to take everyone's pain away
but I can't
i can't fix it
it's not up to me
i can't do shit
#i was already expecting it#my dog's old#and he hasn't been well for a while now#it's fine#just want him to go in peace#i'd like it if he was comfortable near the people he loves#but like as long as he isn't in pain i'm happy#it's everything else that's making me have a breakdown#i was already tired and mentally unwell before learning WHY my mom had been like this#when she finally fessed up about the depression/exhaustion it took away the weight of not knowing how or why she got like that#but it's not easy hearing your mom basically says she wants to die#don't worry my sister already scheduled an appointment with a psychologist for her#she also got tests done to see if she had signs of dementia and shit#and she's working where i am right now#and i can see how hard it is for her#but i can't do much to help her#and i can see how everyone else is kind of done with her#but she isn't incompetent...she's smart and a good worker#but her brain is fucking cooked and i dont think she should be working#by now i'm literally just venting#in the tags#and just ignore this#ignore me#this was just a long time coming#everything is fine#mine
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tennis is a really fun sport and all the players are freaks which is enjoyable i suppose but then seeing ppl in other sports having a good time its like. oh my god none of these people are any fun!!! why is everyone weird and sad always!! i was thinking about the differences in socmed from hockey and tennis at work today like tennis players typically only post match results but hockey players often post them goofing around. and now these olympics all these athletes are constantly showing off fun little moments of the village and interacting with other countries and sports and all that. idk why are we kind of lame….
#the only people who i could count on to make at least a fun little video about it is aryna and dasha and neither of them are thereeeee#oh actually no naomi is doing it at least#not that i want everyone to have a social media presence like idc i wanna be offline too#but like. isnt it kind of weird how kind of un fun everyone is 😭#its not an issue with the players its just. the culture in this sport and the way it is structured#the media and fans are so brutal whenever anyone tries to have fun idk#kind of the worlds most depressing sport to play professionally lowkey#agh never do an individual sport. u will get ISOLATED and also ppl will have to cling to individuals over teams#not that they dont also single out individual players in team sports but at least the pressure is lessened#tennis#sportsball#re socmed. if u scrolled willy nylanders instagram u would have no clue hes a professional hockey player#which slay. work life balance#not that u cant post about ur job but idkkkk like. jannik? ass social media presence#depends on the player of course. idk where im going with this. i want people to be happy and have fun#and im never so sure that they are#social media does not actually factor into this but i still think this sport#is lacking in that regard in comparison to others; because the target demographic is fucking middle aged white people#idk. anyways. going to bed
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#not to be like a boomer rn but#i just got a notification from windows on my computer telling me to try ai#the state of the way technology is going in the world actually worries and depresses me#i tell my therapist about this a lot when we talk about the world 😅#its horrible to me how fast ai is creeping into so many parts of everyday life#i feel like its kind of a train wreck in the making and its possibly going to get to a point where#theres not going to be much we can do about it because itll be so ingrained in everything#okay sorry my elderly person jumped out for a minute but that notification really got me#id rather have no technology than ai in everything change my mind#and not to mention how ai and the people working it are like actively destroying every aspect of art in the world...#dl
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it’s like. i love being trans. and also if there was a loving god he wouldn’t do this to me
#usually my mental illness is emotional Nothingness. when i take wellbutrin i can feel again!#and when the wellbutrin loses efficacy i keep the feeling but lose the good ones so i just unlock Regular Depression. which fucking Sucks#and a couple weeks ago i ran out of t gel and it is a controlled substance so they wouldn’t give me my refill until the full 60 days were up#which meant i had to be off t for like a week. and i was so so hopeful that it wouldn’t do anything to me.#but it restarted my cycle so i’m bleeding rn. and it is so fucking awful#it Hurts and it feels Humiliating and Wrong#cramps and stomach issues And dysphoria and bleeding. nothing more evil to do to me right now#and it’s worse cause i was done with that. i literally GOT RID OF IT. I PUT THE WORK IN. I WAS FREE.#but i couldn’t have my medicine and now i no longer control my own body. horrifying. so horrifying#wore a kind of ill fitting binder today too and it kickstarted Other dysphoria on the drive home so. messed up rn.#i just want to be able to live my life man. i want to have a body that looks and functions like me#and can feel things and do things#and doesn’t subject me to hurt in multiple multiple ways. that would be really cool.#genuinely it does not fucking matter if god loves me. cause if this is what i go through when he loves me#then i don’t want his fucking love.#i hope god kills himself actually#i want to wake up and just be able to put a shirt on and leave the house. can you imagine a fucking world#gonna try nd sleep for like five minutes and then go to dinner with my mom. i can be okay. i can be stronger than my struggles#i just need to be really fucking angry with god.#great time to be reading paradise lost#valentine notes
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Hey babes, sorry I've been dead, but I coulda been literally dead if I had not gone.
I didn't hurt myself and we're still figuring things out. I would love to share but I've already forgotten what I've learned. I hope I get more guidance and time for healing and learning on how to lead my life in a better direction than where I was. But that takes time and effort.
I hope to get some rest, get some support, and get it together. But right now, I don't think it's healthy for me to worry about art in the way I do now. I may not express it here, but trying to maintain my art endeavors/projects while there's so much bullshit going on backstage is not helping me. Especially since I'm not even obligated to do so. But trying to force myself to do something I am currently unable to do will just make me feel worse. I'll follow my dreams and passions one day, but I've been putting off the healing process for years.
So I guess it's better to get better now so I can get the ball rolling again. Why drive on a flat tire?
#i was in there for a week and ill continue partial hospitalization for a few weeks#i hope i learn more and i hope i get specific help to my issues. because whay i learned there didnt directly pertain to me#but having structured daily life felt nice. but it wasnt all relaxing because there were still responisibilites on the outside world#tapping on the window or calling me on the phone. chose the best time for a meltdown. i have taxes and credit card bills to take care of#but if i stress about it now ill jsut be going back to the ER and thats no good. the hospital was so cold dude im glad im home with blankets#this is mr octopus again. im glad i broguh hom to work. i went straight to er from work and if i had no plushie with me#i probably would have stayed longer or be even more mentally unstable and distressed. its good to have comfort items#i dont think i want to know ehat if be like without some kind of companion or grounding item with me. i dont want to imagine me without em#its okay to have a little friend with you. i would be so distraught. everyone loved me there#the nurses the patients the residents yhe social workers the students#mr. octopus made them happy because of his big smile and mine too. the people there did not expect the mass amoutns of stress and depression#in this bubbly happy baby witb a happy pink octopus. one of the patients thought it was the meds the happy pills they gave me#no im jsut naturally like this. or artificially like this. i still dont know how to express or understand my feelings#if what im showing is real or not because i know ill be the happiest in the room wherever i go. maybe its a front or a mask#but when im like that kinda hard to know whats really underneath. they always ask me if im okay but i turn to myself#and its nondescript like ive put a blanket over how i really feel. its weird. the bubbly energy is blinding.#words#mr octopus#mental health#doodles
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