#killing myself killing myself i am so tired

[verdantwyrm]

Anya, The Virgin Mary or the Vengeful Bitch

Or, shorthandedly, the Anyalysis.

I'm going to be occasionally stealing some points from my Curly thread over here, which you should absolutely also read. And also some segments from here, my small analysis of Jimmy and him being a monster vs choosing to be.

This analysis will be going over partially some of how she's treated in-game, but also how she's treated outside of the game as a representation of sexual assault and abuse victims, which is to either make her a mournful, bleeding heart virgin Mary, or a vengeful, final girl that's a violent, hysterical she-bitch. Which she is neither.

I think it's perfectly fine to orchestrate fictional characters killing their abusers, there's nothing inherently wrong with just that, it's more how people actually write it.

Just like any other trope, there are ways to go about it that are extremely harmful and ways that are generally inoffensive. As a victim myself, I personally see so many issues in wishing harm against your abuser, and there is nothing wrong with acting that out in characters you feel comfortable and relatable towards, but there are ways to do this that don't end up doing more harm than good— which is where most people fail. It's an objectively hard topic to address, because it requires nuance and understanding, possibly even lived experience to truly understand why someone would want this. Grieving, the absence that comes with being a victim, is not straightforward or black and white, it's an uncomfortable topic thats often on a spectrum of anger, grief or sadness that most people do not want to engage with because they have a very nearsighted opinion on how a victim should react– the perfect victim.

No one actually likes her as a character, they only like her for what she represents.

The Sexism of the Final Girl

I am sick and tired of people making up the realities in their heads where Anya overcomes Jimmy and kills him,

The trope of a "Final Girl" is not the feminist girl boss you want it to be and is incredibly misogynistic. The definition, as told by Wikipedia

"the final girl in many movies shares common characteristics: she is typically sexually unavailable or virginal, and avoids the vices of the victims like illegal drug use. She sometimes has a unisex name such as Avery, Chris, or Sidney."

There are feminist ideals and intentions behind it, but it is not inherently feminist as a concept and is often very misogynistic despite its intentions to display the woman of the group to be strong, better or uphold moral superiority for declining sex, drugs or any of the vices mentioned forehand. It is a sexist trope, and all it does is ridicule women for "falling" for said vices as if that inherently makes them inferior or deserving of murder or assault.

On the surface, the use of the final girl trope may seem like a progressive portrayal of feminist strength and ideology. It can be satisfying to see a strong, independent "girl boss" overcome an otherworldly predator or rapist. However, upon further examination, it is clear that this trope perpetuates prejudice and reinforces societal expectations for women. The final girl is typically portrayed as a straight, white, morally superior woman who abstains from "immoral" activities like drinking, drug usage and sex. She serves as a voice of reason and represents the ideal woman in our society.

Most importantly, she survives while those who deviate from societal norms face violent deaths. This trope is a subtle commentary on the expectations placed on women in our society - good girls will prevail while those who do not conform will suffer a violent and brutal death, usually at the hands of a man. Ultimately, it seeks to shame women for behaving in ways that are not considered "ladylike."

The film industry as a whole has a history of using females as vessels for pain and suffering. Hollywood loves to profit off of female suffering. These male directors may believe they are earning brownie points with audiences by having female survivors in their films, but in reality, they are simply using feminism as a disguise while indulging in the fetishization of female pain.

It is rather exhausting seeing who we are being reduced to one note Virgin Marys with bleeding hearts, scorned mothers or wounded victims of assault who will never recover, never love or never will have sex again. I do think Mouthwashing does an excellent job of telling the story of a rape victim, but how other people treat her beyond that, it's almost impossible to even have a character like Anya or even Angela from Silent Hill 2 without people stripping them and violating what their character is and instead of focusing on what they represent, a victim.

But back to Anya specifically, she does not even exert any interest, desire or want to murder or harm another person. People dehumanise her the same way Jimmy dehumanises her. They strip her of everything she could be, everything she wanted to be and make her out to be a perfect victim, a bleeding heart, a weak and pathetic woman.

How about Anya has a nice day, how about Anya smiles, and she's happy and safe. What about that? Huh? Or do you only like her when she's a victim. People care more about Anya being a victim they can save, a victim they can nurture and heal and rescue than anything else. They care more about her being weak, sad, frail and miserable. Always the mother, always the victim, always the virgin Mary and a sacrifice but never ever a woman and most definitely never a person.

It's even worse when I see people continuously writing and "re-imagining" Anya being Raped just so Curly, Daisuke, Swansea or even a self-insert reader situation to save her. I totally get that you want her to be happy, and to be rescued and for that to never happen but you severely miss the point of the story that there was no one there to save her. And constantly rewriting it to put a man in the favour of the situation comes off as very shallow and misogynistic the way you're all so ready to have someone rescue her like she's some distressed maiden in need of a big strong man, it also takes the point away from her entirely.

The horse that bites

Jimmy's constant dehumanisation of Anya affects how other people perceive her character as well, that she's weak, small or a crybaby in some sense because of how she responds to situations - emotionally, which is then amplified by Jimmy's pre-existing hatred and lack of respect for her.

Jimmy tears her down every chance he gets, makes her feel little and even compares her to Polle in his hallucinations. And Anya knows that he and Curly have a very lengthy history, so her caution and anxiety about even mentioning the incident, let alone saying the word “rape” is borderline impossible for her. It’s a manifestation, it’s a verbal acceptance and confession that it’s even happened. Something she has been trying to avoid coming to terms with.

And when she does eventually tell Swansea what happened, as much as you want to think she told him- she most likely told him to not do anything, to try and keep the peace for as long as possible.

Again, her vagueness is not her fault, nor is it her responsibility. It was Jimmy’s responsibility to not abuse and rape her.

It’s also very present that Jimmy is verbally abusive to her, putting her down at every opportunity by ignoring her very talented medical skills by saying Pony Express only hired her to cut corners in an attempt to reduce costs because she failed Medical School and that she’s not a “real nurse” because of that, and how he constantly questions her skills despite keeping Curly alive for such a long time in such a state.

After being insulted by him multiple times, she fawns to get him to actually do something beneficial because she knows he responds well to praise, and he complies, all while still insulting and belittling her for being "weak" and "sentimental"

Anya shows a clear fear of Jimmy and has consistent fawn responses around Jimmy. She is extremely careful not to make him upset and praises him to keep him amused and compliant to a degree.

Just like Anya says, our worst moments don't make us monsters. It's one thing to fuck up, and immediately suffer the consequences and acknowledge your mistakes— But it's another thing entirely to purposefully make it so you never have to deal with the repercussions and then make yourself out to be the victim. Jimmy takes every opportunity to blame everyone around him. All the time and Anya is no stranger to this.

Curly genuinely saw the good in Jimmy, in the same way, Anya sees the good in others and possibly even tried to see the good in Jimmy despite the pain as one of the key important things about how everything went about is that Anya never directly refers to her rapist as Jimmy, nor does she ever actually insult or talk badly about him, she only expresses her disinterest in talking to him because of his reluctance to cooperate with her. They both believe that our worst moments don't define us, and Curly had his own interpretation all of how we're defined by our past, but not slaves to it.

She is scared, she is terrified at this point and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that nor should we rush to change that. Her being scared is realistic, she is a scared lady in a very scary situation with an even scarier man who constantly switches between dissociation and lashing out depending on what's going on around him. And she is not that person to fight back, to be violent or to hurt him and that is perfectly fine. She doesn't need to be a girl boss feminist and fight back, she can just be a scared and quiet woman stuck in her own terror, and trying to infer that one Is the "better" option downplays victims who freeze in their own terror and makes them out to be weak or a hapless damsel because they're incapable of "standing up for themselves"

She has every single right to be absolutely terrified and that is in no way a bad thing. I actually really, really dislike the interpretation that Anya is angry, resentful or has any revenge towards Curly, or that she has to be this, hysterical mad woman sent out to kill or hurt Jimmy. I don't believe she's either of this. Anya deserves peace, and I think it's extremely important to understand just how similar she is to Curly. And I'm full of the belief that if Anya had actually done something to Jimmy (hurt him, kill him, whatever) she would be demonized and the misogyny she already faces in the fandom would be worse tenfold. Do not lie to yourself.

Not to even mention one of the many, many reasons as to why Anya OD'd in a room with a lock in the first place. It was to make sure Jimmy could never touch her again? Or do something awful to her body, even when it was lifeless and cold? It was to keep the gun safe, to protect Curly, to protect herself, to take control of the situation, to finally not have to worry about him ever touching her again. And Jimmy still violates it, even after she's dead.

He touches her, drags her body, and props her up in that chair. Even after death, she is never free from him. She thought she was going to finally be free of him, his rage, his desires, his touch, and she died thinking this, that he would never ever be touched or hurt by him ever again. She died thinking all was well, that it would all work out in the end, it had to. She died thinking Daisuke and Swansea would somehow make it out of there, tell her story, and make Jimmy face the consequences of his actions, it was the ultimate sacrifice, it was the greatest thing she could ever do.

Jimmy ruined her life, and he ruined her death, her sacrifice. To keep herself safe, to keep Curly safe, to keep the gun away from him, it all meant nothing.

Thinking outside the Ship

Anya is fun, she is enthusiastic, loves to make jokes, draw, play board games with Daisuke, read, and teases Swansea about his love for sweets which he doesn't even bother to object to and Swansea hands her a note so that she could give it to Curly during his psychological evaluation,, implying that they're casual enough for an exchange like that to occur, and even has what seems to be a budding relationship with Curly himself, taking to his comment about being fit to fly in her eyes like it's a common exchange of flirting between the both of them and she even teases him at the birthday party to "hop to it" in terms of the cake. She is at ease around him, her walls have dropped, and she feels safe to talk to him, and even attempts to try and get him to open up more to her.

She reads psychology books, she is extremely determined having applied to Medical school on total of eight different times and obviously has the skills and interest to keep doing it despite failing and only joined Pony Express so she could make money and keep trying to get into medical school.. She also has good taste in music, one that Swansea and Curly enjoy very much. She also seems to get along well with Daisuke and even allows her emotions to show with anger when they play games they seem to have much of the same sense of humour, judging by how Daisuke is genuinely worried about her when she locks herself in the Medical, they seem to have a positive relationship. We don't know much about her relationships with the others beyond what the wiki can provide.

She seems to have the best relationship with Curly, although. And after the crash, she can't bear to give Curly his pills due to him being in visible agony and her own trauma of forcing him to do something he very obviously doesn't want to endure, likely due to memories of her assault being triggered by both the act of forced insertion and the sounds produced by Curly during it.

Anya also spends most of her free time studying. She runs to clear her head. And when she really needs to destress, she binges on the worst reality television and fast food. She is a very free-spirited woman who is eternally doomed to be reduced to nothing but a hapless, miserable victim.

Final Comments and Thoughts

I don't have much to say here unlike my last analysis, but the situation on the Tulpar is not as straightforward as people would like, I understand it's extremely cathartic to think of a situation where Jimmy gets what he deserves but it isn't realistic, and thats what this game is trying to say. Abusive corporations, exhausting capitalism, this environment breeds Abusers like Jimmy and victims like Anya and Curly. There was nothing that could be done. Pony Express is what doomed them all, they're the catalyst.

Anya deserves to be written and viewed as more than just a representation, a victim or a vengeful hysterical bitch. She deserves to be happy!

Thank you for reaching the end of the thread, please don't be scared to share your thoughts in the tags or in my inbox, I'd love to hear them! good job! (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) ♡

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

NPD (I guess ASPD is there to) culture is realizing I’m mentally ill. Doesn’t sound like anything but I’ve dug myself so deep in the delusions that I’m fine. I’m mentally ill, my mental illness has destroyed me, it has destroyed people around me. I cannot be cured. I cannot be saved. I will be a narcissist until I die, I can’t live anyone else’s life once I inevitably get bored of mine. I am not God, I am not a angel. I am a mentally ill human being. There isn’t anything inherently “special” about me, I’m just a dude. I was born this way, I couldn’t prevent it, inherited genes from my mom or whatever the hell. And that kills me inside. I don’t know why? I don’t actually view people as humans, everyone is a NPC. I don’t like you, I love people. But not the way neurotypical people love, I love 1 person in my life, because I just like them. I’m so tired, and it can’t stop because I’m “too good” to kill myself and waste my life. So I’m rotting alive.

Anyway bye.

- ™️

.

[aishangotome]

Azel Radwan: Chapter 6

Chapter 5

Thank you @shatcey for providing the video for this chapter!

♡———♡

Under the pressure of the Living God, Izzet quickly retreats.

I also feel the intimidating aura, as if we had incurred the wrath of the God—

To shake off the unfathomable fear I felt for a moment, I also set out for the town with the errand memo in hand.

-

(I… I can't move another step from here.)

The desert is dyed golden, and the light begins to weaken as the day draws to a close.

The setting sun peeking through the huge window is a breathtaking sight, one I could gaze at forever.

(I have to hurry back or I'll end up walking through the desert at night, and I need to push myself a little harder…)

(...I might be getting sleepy…)

(I'm too tired…)

Azel: You're in the way.

A merciless voice rains down on me as I doze off, sitting on the stairs.

Looking up, I see the God, devoid of any compassion, looking down at me.

Emma: …I'm sitting in the corner.

Azel: This isn't a resting place.

Emma: Is there any other room I'm allowed to enter?

Azel: No.

Emma: Then there's nothing I can do about it, is there?

Azel: There is. Get back to the castle quickly.

Azel: How can you even think of sleeping in someone's doorway?

Emma: That's how tired I am. Thanks to a certain God who overworks people.

(I made two round trips between the town and the temple today, so my legs are killing me.)

Azel: Poor you. I look forward to working with you tomorrow as well.

(This person… no, this God, doesn't know the meaning of kindness, does he?)

The Living God sits down one step above me and rests his chin on his knee.

His face, bathed in the setting sun, is irritatingly beautiful and divine, with no hint of the darkness within.

(...It's no wonder everyone is deceived.)

(I wonder what happened to turn him into such a merciless, evil God.)

Azel: … Sigh…

Emma: Why are you sighing?

Azel: I was thinking he came sooner than expected.

Azel: That crazy old geezer must be very interested in you.

(What's he talking about?)

Azel gestures toward the entrance with his chin.

I force my sleepy head to turn and see a person standing in the red sunset.

???: Living God, thank you for allowing me to enter this sacred domain.

My eyes, now accustomed to the light, see an elderly man.

A gentle smile graces his face, the kind that calms the heart of anyone he meets, and he exudes a kind and compassionate aura.

(He has the same atmosphere as Azel when he's playing the role of a God in public.)

Azel: I didn't allow it, but you have business with Emma?

(Could this be the High Priest!?)

As I hurriedly try to stand up, Azel grabs my shoulder and pushes me back down.

Azel: Please be brief. We're in the middle of something right now.

High Priest: My apologies for interrupting your conversation.

(There's a bit of a bite to his words… I wonder if Azel doesn't like the High Priest.)

The High Priest is unfazed by Azel's haughty attitude, and his compassionate gaze turns towards me.

High Priest: Lady Emma, it is a pleasure to meet you. I came to greet you after hearing the rumors.

High Priest: I am one of the God's messengers, bestowed with the important role of High Priest, and currently serve as the administrator of the sanctuary.

High Priest: It is my duty to spread the glory of the Living God throughout the country. I look forward to a long and prosperous relationship.

Emma: …Thank you for your greeting. Please forgive me for speaking to you in this position.

High Priest: Not at all. The Living God's wishes should be respected above all else. Please remain as you are.

(What is this feeling?)

(His words, attitude, and demeanor are all soft, yet it makes my heart uneasy…)

I sense an inexplicable discomfort within his gentle gaze, and I'm at a loss for words.

Azel: I said, "Be brief," didn't I?

But with Azel's interruption, I'm freed from the High Priest's entwining gaze, and I secretly let out a sigh of relief.

High Priest: Then, if you'll permit me, I'll get to the main point.

High Priest: Living God, in light of this recent matter, we are urgently preparing the harem.

(Harem… What!? )

High Priest: We can have Lady Emma move to her chambers immediately.

Azel: No, thank you. Please don't do anything unnecessary.

The highest authority in Tanzanite expresses his disapproval bluntly.

That was my only salvation.

Azel: I've said it many times, I don't need a harem. Didn't I give it to Enis?

High Priest: Enis is merely the administrator. Our country's harem originally belongs to the Living God.

High Priest: Recently, many false divinators have appeared in the city, causing concern among the people.

High Priest: The Living God's favor towards a woman could be a ray of hope to dispel the anxieties of the desert.

Azel: It couldn't. It's just a change of subject.

Azel: Instead of thinking about deceiving the people, why not investigate the cause of the increase in false oracles?

While letting out those barbed words, Azel twirls his fingers in my hair.

When our eyes meet, he gives me a chillingly affectionate smile. If someone who didn't know the situation saw us, they might really think I'm being favored.

(...I'm sure my face is stiff right now.)

This is not the face I want to show the High Priest, so I reluctantly meet Azel's gaze.

Azel: Oh, and also, I've decided that the God's favor will be bestowed on only one person.

Azel: Please don't send any other women my way. They're an eyesore.

The finger that slid from my hair to my cheek lightly presses my skin.

It feels like he's pressuring me to "act," but I don't think I can do anything about my stiff face.

High Priest: To think he favors you so much… I was inconsiderate. It is my fault.

(Oh no, my situation is getting worse and worse…)

High Priest: Lady Emma, may peace be with the Living God's heart.

High Priest: And I sincerely pray that the blessings of the moon be bestowed upon you.

Perhaps Azel's silent pressure of "Go away quickly" got through, as the High Priest bows his head politely and quickly leaves the temple without changing his calm expression.

Emma: What did he mean by the "blessings of the moon" at the end?

Azel: Who knows? Probably the ramblings of a senile old man.

The moment we're alone, the deceptive smile disappears, and Azel's face becomes weary.

(As always, his conman skills—no, his acting skills—are impressive.)

Azel removes his hand from me and looks up at the sky decorating the huge window.

Azel: …The worst way to end the day.

Emma: Do you dislike the High Priest that much?

Azel: It's not just dislike. I never want to see his face again.

Emma: Why…

Azel: Is there anyone who could like an old geezer who keeps sending women my way even though I refuse?

Emma: …That's true.

*flashback to earlier*

Enis: If the precious bloodline of the Living God is cut off, Tanzanite has no future.

Enis: The High Priest will not give up, even if he has to gather all the women in the country.

*flashback over*

(The High Priest is the one who protects the glory of the God, and he may not necessarily respect the Living God's will.)

(Even if they have faith, people don't always act according to the God's wishes.)

(...If even a God has troubles, what's the difference between them and humans?)

Azel: Don't betray me.

Emma: What kind of situation would be considered betrayal?

Azel: It's simple. Don't do anything I dislike.

Emma: I'll try my best.

Azel: That's a good answer.

Emma: I understand better than anyone the pain of being forced to do something I hate.

Emma: In order to build a friendly relationship with the Living God, I want to avoid "unconscious harassment."

As I declare this with a puffed-out chest, Azel, who has shifted his gaze back to me from the sunset, furrows his brow noticeably.

Azel: Build a friendship? I'm an evil God, you know.

Emma: That's true… but I have the experience and wisdom of Belle.

Emma: I know that a person's true nature isn't easily discerned.

During my stay at Rhodolite Castle, there were princes with all sorts of problems: the bloodthirsty prince, the misanthropic prince, the prankster prince, and the prince with a flamboyant love life.

But what I learned from facing them were the values and beliefs that weren't apparent on the surface.

Once I grasped those, the glamor surrounding those noble beasts peeled away, and I could see their true selves.

Based on my experience, the God in front of me must be the same.

The God I see is like a mirage, still far from his true essence.

Emma: Only after knowing their true nature can you see whether you "like" or "dislike" a person...

Emma: No matter how unreasonable the situation, I want to make an effort to understand the Living God.

Azel: …Is that so?

(He's been making a scary face this whole time.)

Emma: Did I say something unpleasant?

Azel: No? It's just that, unlike that idiot, I have no intention of getting along with you.

Azel: I just thought, "What a waste of effort."

He pinches my cheek with his fingers and pulls it.

Emma: I unnershtand you have no intenshun of gettin' along wiff me!

Azel: I have no idea what you're saying.

(I want to get along with him… but what's irritating is irritating!)

(I wonder if this will someday turn into a different emotion once I grasp his true nature.)

He releases my cheek, and I rub it with my hand to make sure it's not stretched out.

Azel: Anyway, if you intend to get along with me, don't side with the geezer.

Azel: If you can't even do something that simple, there's no point in talking.

Emma: Of course. It's a piece of cake.

-

The next day, after confidently making that declaration—Azel greets me with a terrifying look as I visit the temple again.

Azel: Hey… I told you not to betray me, didn't I?

Emma: …Yes.

Azel: You also said, "It's a piece of cake," didn't you?

Emma: …Yes.

Azel: Then let me ask you—

Azel: …What is that state you're in?

Emma: I'm the one who wants to ask that!

Azel looks down on me as I kneel on the ground, my breath hitching just from standing.

A sweet, heavy scent rising from my skin gradually increases my body heat. It's something different from the heat I felt when I was exhausted from running errands the other day, something that's eating away at my mind and body.

(I had a bad feeling about this ever since I was on my way here…)

*flashback*

Azel: Be careful with your belongings from tomorrow onwards. You never know where they might plant aphrodisiacs.

*back to present*

(...That's a harsh joke.)

Azel: Any ideas?

His star-filled eyes are cold enough to blow away the desert heat, and that in turn cools my head.

Emma: Come to think of it…

*earlier*

Aisha: Good morning, Lady Emma. How about this outfit for today?

Aisha: Since you're in Tanzanite, please enjoy our country's fashionable attire.

Nadia: And we've prepared this perfume for you today.

Nadia: It might be a bit too sweet at first, but the scent will mellow out over time.

Aisha & Nadia: "Now, let's get you ready."

*back to present*

Emma: Before I left… It might be the perfume the maids prepared for me.

(I had the same breakfast as Clavis and Luke, so it can't be that.)

Since I told the maids my schedule for the day, they must have known I was going to see Azel.

(I didn't feel anything immediately after it was applied, so maybe it was slow-acting… I didn't know such aphrodisiacs existed.)

Azel: Perfume is an aphrodisiac for beginners. Why do you fall for such an obvious trap?

Emma: …I didn't think they would actually put it in the perfume!

Emma: To begin with, I've never used or even seen an aphrodisiac, so I don't know what it's like…

Azel: Huh? You've never seen one in your life?

Emma: Of course not!

Azel: There are people like that?

(Is that something to be surprised about…?)

Azel looks genuinely surprised, not as if he's joking.

(I think anyone would be unfamiliar with aphrodisiacs if they live a normal life.)

(But maybe aphrodisiacs are something Azel is familiar with.)

(…Judging from his attitude, it doesn't seem like he uses them willingly…)

(I'm starting to feel sorry for him.)

Azel: Don't look at me like that, don't pity me, it makes me want to cry.

Emma: S-sorry…

Emma: Is there, like, an antidote for this?

Azel: No. We just have to wait for it to wear off.

Azel: But fortunately, it doesn't seem to be that strong.

Azel: It's rare to see a woman this unsexy even after being given an aphrodisiac.

Emma: That last part was unnecessary.

Azel: How honest.

(...Even if the effect is weak, my body feels strange.)

I don't know much about aphrodisiacs, but I do know what kind of effects they have.

The heat generated just from my clothes rubbing against my skin is enough to make me feel ashamed.

On top of that, the outfit the maids prepared for me, while covering my legs with a long skirt, is similar to a dancer's costume that boldly exposes my chest and stomach, which makes me want to cry even more.

(If I had known I was drugged, I wouldn't have come today…)

I'm not in any condition to walk back to the castle through the desert, so I grip my clothes tightly to hold back my tears.

Azel: …I do feel bad about this.

Emma: …? Did you just say—

Emma: Wait… What are you doing!?

Suddenly, Azel lifts me up roughly like a piece of luggage, throws me over his shoulder, and starts walking.

Azel: If this continues, you'll be attacked.

Emma: Huh!?

Azel: I'll teach you how to deal with being given an aphrodisiac… for a fee.

.

.

.

Chapter 7

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)

[insert-game]

anyone else about 1 more wrong thing happening from exploding

[mythicalcoolkid]

You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side

[bleppybeans]

New Chaggie Headcannon: Vaggie used to pull at her hair when she was stressed, so Charlie got her the bow as a present so she would pull on the bow instead!

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

So, I cannot show support to Palestine at my university (flyers for protest, the colors and the flag, you get it...) because it's "encouraging violence and antisemitism" but when my university was tagged with antisemitic symbols, they did NOTHING. When the students union was targeted with threat of violence and their office was destroyed, covered with neo-nazis symbols, they did NOTHING.

The Neo-Nazis student association (which has been multiple times reported for their hate-crimes) were distributing flyers at the entrance yesterday WITHOUT ANY ISSUES, because they support Israel.

[marblerose-rue]

click for better quality!

the hush of rain / scourge

[sevenyeargap]

reappearing from my migrainebound state to say that im reaching a BIG milestone on here and AO3 soon so tell me what is YOUR 🫵 favorite ace attorney Momence!!!!!

[pilonciillo]

lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety

[ellie-the-awesome-11]

This might be way too early in the show to start spouting theories but I think Dai has a greater role to play in the Arthurian apocalypse than his 'Nameless' status would suggest.

I think he's a Narrator, or maybe the Narrator.

With one of the main themes of the show being stories and narratives, a crucial aspect of that is there actually being someone to tell the story in the first place, there needs to be someone to pass on the tall tales and weave them together so that the audience can feel specific emotions. Joy, catharsis, sadness, hope.

Also Dai has been the only one to have a solo piece before each episode where he's talking directly to us dear listeners. His monologues set the stage for the emotional undertones of the episode And the fact that he sings before it feels so important, too (his va has a lovely voice btw). Almost every story I can think of that started as an oral tradition was originally told with some kind of musical accompaniment or with a set beat and metric structure. It's like it's harkening back to these old practices.

And with that I think Nameless folk as a whole have more importance than Kay's 'lambs to the slaughter' stance suggests, because who else would be their Audience? Who else would hear their stories if everyone outside of the Named died because of Phenomena?

[bandsandwristbands]

Vent post

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

girl help i came on tumblr to avoid yk. freakin cutting myself rn. saw a clip from lotr that included someone holding up a knife sword or dagger. helloooooooo urges theyre back

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 7 thoughts

my very first thoughts: a CANCER MAN episode??? are we gonna get some backstory?? some CSM lore?!?!? 

part of me is deeply curious, but part of me also wants agent time, so… hmm! i’m intrigued. my curiosity? it’s been piqued.

and the lone gunmen have been mentioned!!

author's note: woah... i was expecting a lot of things, but cancer man being a flop author was not one of them. it's kinda sad, but mostly just pathetic.

judgement aside, i actually really liked this episode. there are things i would change, but i thought it was super intriguing to see certain parts of what is hidden beyond the curtain, but never enough to fully satisfy you, which i do love about this show (even if it is occasionally infuriating). the multi-part structure was also an interesting and unique choice that worked well, but i do have some... questions on writing/character motives and if they were well-received. but you'll see what i mean in a bit.

a lot happened in this episode, which i shall begin to recount below!

OH! we open with a shakespeare quote!!! “for nothing can seem foul to those that win” oooookay i suppose that is relevant to our ciggy man. damn. couldn’t be me. a lot of things are foul to me. such as killing melissa. 

we see a rat! a rat! cute little critter. oh. cancer man arrives, and is less cute. he's looking at some broken windows… damn, why is s4 so dark? i keep having to turn my brightness up. it's annoying!!

his lighter says “trust no one” omg… he’s so weird. just an overall strange fellow. seriously, who gets a custom lighter that says that? way to draw attention to yourself while trying to Not Do That.

so he’s opening a suitcase…. WHAT!! he is somehow listening to a bunch of conversations, including the “not everything is a dark labyrinth of conspiracy” one, which means he must have had bugs in all of the rooms where mulder and scully chat!!! who has time to sort through all of that audio content to find the juicy stuff?? probably his freak interns that i KNOW he keeps scattering about

okay, so he’s listening to a conversation now between the lone gunmen and mulder. frohike is freaked tf out, but mulder says no one would kill him because “you’re just a little puppy dog”. aww. that's a cute thing to say.

GAG!! the lone gunmen put on a special audio filter to hide their conversation, and CSM just pressed a button to totally ignore it, and turns to the camera with a smirk. EW! EW! creepy man. ugh, i can’t believe i paused and had to look at that awful creepy smirk for more than a few milliseconds.

oh my goodness, scully is also here during this conversation between the lone gunmen and mulder that we are listening to via CSM's technologically aided eavesdropping. frohike is saying he found stuff about cancer man, while cancer man loads what looks like a SNIPER RIFLE, and aims it out the window??? “what did you find?” “possibly everything”

GASP! i’m hooked. i DO want to know possibly everything. 

(watching the intro and that scene where they burst in with the gun always gets me, but today it’s making me ache in my chest because of how beautiful they are. so feel free to psychoanalyze that)

frohike is describing trotsky’s assassination. this is an area of history i am weak in, so i am seated for my lesson. it is actually entirely unrelated to the plot at hand, and is just some frohike nerd lore, but that's cool, i like a dude who knows these things.

frohike says “he” (presumably CSM) appears on august 20th, 1940, in louisiana. and his father was a communist activist, executed for espionage before his son would walk!!! and his mother died of lung cancer before he could talk!

damn. tragic backstory for this fellow. he pretty much said "i know cigarettes killed my mom but i'm different"

he was sent to various orphanages where he spent his time reading and not making friends. then he went off the grid until a year and a half after the Bay Of Pigs. weird way of measuring time- before and after the Bay of Pigs

OH! we get more text… “part 1: things really did go well in Dealey Plaza” hmmm....

some army men are jogging, while another dude reads the manchurian candidate, saying he would rather read the worst novel ever written than the best movie ever made. he must not know about the novels that are out there… i assume this is cig man?

OH MY GOD! he’s talking to MR. MULDER! wait, wait that means….

! MULDER LORE REVEAL ! his first word was JFK

that is... actually really adorable. and will make his toddler stage difficult as he has to break certain news to baby mulder.

why do i get the feeling, from the shaky way CSM just set the photo of mr. mulder’s wife and child down, that he is fighting suppressed romantic feelings for his buddy like the cold war depends on it? hmm....

these fancy looking men want to talk to the guy i assume is cancer man. they ask if he was involved in any of the big events from the early 1960’s, which he denies. you know, assassinations and whatnot.

oh! when they ask if his father was executed as a spy, he says his only regret is that “i was too young to throw the switch myself” which is kind of a crazy thing to say. "yes i never knew my dad but i wish it was me that killed him" is a wild hill to die on. but i guess this is what the 60's did to people.

OH! he also denies a cigarette when offered, saying he never touches them. well. some things went down between then and now, i assume. and hopefully, we shall gain a glimpse into what changed.

this general dude is yapping about extraordinary men and i assume he is referring to himself. and his father. and young CSM, too, can be an extraordinary man! 

“communism is without a doubt the most heinous personification of evil mankind has ever confronted” <- said by a guy who likely fought the nazis, this is an absolutely crazy line... but again, i guess that shows how deep everyone was into the propaganda

they are offering baby CSM a very important job… so important, his army service will be erased… he needs to assassinate an american civilian, former naval pt-boat commander…

OH MY GOD, DID HE KILL JFK???

this is wild. how many different characters across various medias have been responsible for killing JFK? does anyone have a spreadsheet? if not, DM me and let’s make one 

so what is the reason in universe for why JFK had to kick the bucket….

because of the bay of pigs failure??

i get it was bad, but i didn’t think it was THAT bad. that makes no sense though timeline wise… they said bay of pigs was “last week”, but that was 1961, and obviously he didn’t get shot until 1963. so are we expected to believe that they waited 2 years to kill him? 2 years in which a lot of stuff happened? or is this some sort of factual oversight i’m supposed to ignore. or am i misunderstanding the episode structure. did i mishear/read a line?

(digs my claws in) you guys i cannot ignore a JFK anachronism i’m sorry

and now we're off to texas to witness the inevitable. this dude playing lee harvey oswald is lowkey cute, a thing i never thought i would have typed more than a few minutes ago. CSM yells at him about how smoking is BAD!

baby cancer man is talking to lee harvey oswald (another wild sentence), telling him he’ll see the president today. he calls baby cig man “mr. hunt” which i assume is a fake name… and he lies and says he loves the movies!! how simply do the falsehoods slip from his tongue!

ooooookay i see what is going on here. “mr. hunt” is a member of a cuban loyalty group telling lee harvey oswald to hide some weapons. a fall guy is being carefully crafted.

and lee gives him his cigarettes… the same cigarettes baby cig man scolded him for smoking…. omg…. foreshadowing

you know, in all my years studying history, i have never imagined what the inside of the book depository building looked like. and OMG! in googling to try and see if this was an accurate representation, i learned that dealey plaza is where he was shot! so i guess i’m good with JFK lore, but bad at geography. but that answers what the whole opening quote was about.

baby cig man is getting in a sewer to do some crime… very eugene tooms of him. he's getting his gun out in the sewer for a sneak attack…. while lee gets a root beer… and it seems umbrella man was giving a signal on when to shoot! fascinating.

(jackie’s outfit that day looked less fuzzy irl than it appears in this episode, so please take note of that wardrobe people)

nah, this is gonna make me feel bad for a FAKE lee harvey oswald…

and while JFK was dying, baby cig man stayed in that sewer the whole time… wow. i feel like someone should have taken a peek.

soooo realizing he is a patsy, lee shoots a cop. which is actually just far more incriminating than had he done anything else. then he goes to the movies. where the cops find him. and baby cig man was watching all of this…. he pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. OMG was that his first?? to cope with the Guilt?? damn.

it’s a bit of a ludicrous story that makes me giggle when i consider the real-world implications, but i will take it for what it is.

but back to modern cig man, listening to all of this being explained. he says nothing, seeming to confirm the accuracy of what is being said.

“part 2: just down the road from graceland”

no, don’t tell me he killed ELVIS, too?!?!?

wait, i read that wrong. “just down the road aways from graceland” okay, not sure if that clears anything up. but we hear the voice of martin luther king jr.

no… don’t tell me he killed HIM, too…..

notably, this whole part is in black and white. cigarette man is tap tapping on his typewriter. he’s writing a book! “take a chance: a jack colquitt adventure” <- sounds boring 

he’s listening to MLK talk about Marxist revolutions… is baby cig man a closet commie? no, for it appears he is deeply upset by these words!

he’s still in black and white, at a meeting about MLK, talking about how some claim he wishes to wage war against white america. baby cig man says “wouldn’t you?”, and i begin to wonder if he is based, but these hopes are quickly dampened as he explains that MLK's existence and activism are no longer civil rights issues… because he said something about communism. bro. what. is this how people actually felt…?

(you read about the paranoia and the terror of the red scare, but seeing an attempt at putting it in context still makes you think damn, times were weird)

this council is now talking about how they can best discredit MLK, and we see a guy who is blamed for the “there is but one way out for you” letter, which baby cig man says is stupid. oh, he blamed the director of the FBI for that. damn!

cigarette man says we need another patsy, and to make it a white man, so “it” (referring to king’s assassination) looks racially motivated. and oh! he says he’ll do it himself.

“i have too much respect for the man” <- so you’re gonna be the one that kills him? bro… what. we don't usually kill the people we look up to where i come from.

so. cig man lights up as he stands outside a building where MLK speaks. 

AND HE PULLS OUT THE PHOTO OF BABY MULDER AND HIS MOM???? WHAT THE FUCK

(is this like a “he’s grieving because his work demands that he never has a family” kind of thing or a “he’s longing for the embrace of mr. mulder” kinda thing….? does he love mrs. mulder….? what is this….)

cancer man gives the dude he’s framing a couple hundred dollars. and then gets in the bushes behind where dr. king is staying. i'm still processing the photo reveal.

and bam.

wow, i feel that this is… weird. idk, the whole “this character killed JFK” thing has been going on for so long that it doesn’t really feel that shocking, but dr. king’s death is a tragedy in a different way, and i’m not sure that using it in fiction is like, super appropriate? um.

while i am unsure if i feel that using a civil rights leader's assassination in your alien story is something we should brush past, i do understand what the writers are attempting to do here, which is show how dedicated to the anti-communist cause cig man is, and how he'll stop at nothing to do what he deems needed, no matter how ugly or horrific. i recognize what they are trying to tell me.

LMAOOOO WAIT. place my moral pondering aside for a brief second. if you pause, you can read the rejection letter baby cig man gets for his book. “my advice? burn it!” <- DAMN that book must have been god awful 😭

oh god. now the TV is mentioning RFK… don’t tell me cig man did that, too…

(author's note: thankfully, he was not involved with the killing of this kennedy brother; no clear statement on whether or not he was responsible for ted's whole thing)

AND WHY was cig man putting that photo of mrs. and baby mulder in his drawer…?!?!

cig man seems to be almost crying while quoting aeschylus along with RFK on the tv, as he speaks about the grief of losing both his brother and MLK…. damn. am i supposed to feel bad for CSM? because i don’t. 

back to modern cancer man. we now enter “part 3, the most wonderful time of the year”.

jump to 1991. he has saddam hussein on the phone?? and tells him to call back. and some other dude is working on the oscar noms LMAO wait... i lowkey love the idea that the government controls those... need to think what that would imply for every single winner ever

AND he rigs the superbowl so the bills don’t win LMAO what is his beef with buffalo?! AND he rigged the olympic hockey game in ‘80?

we’re getting the impression he kinda controls everything. message received loud and clear.

OH! now they’re talking about mulder… “that ‘spooky’ kid”, is how they refer to him. and CSM says that mulder is his to keep an eye on. i'm sure that's part of his decades long plot, to keep mulder under his watchful eye and use him as a pawn in his schemes. also, gorbachev has just resigned. no more enemies to fight.

and CSM gives his men some presents for christmas. how thoughtful…..? 

his men invite him to come with them to virginia for a family get together. damn, they like this guy? it seems they honestly do!

he got them all ties…. very strange fellow he is.

okay, so he lied and said he had to go see family to escape the gathering. and then ominously walks outside mulder’s office door. dun dun DUN!

he has some mail… and opens it to see something that displeases him. THEN HE STARTS WRITING AGAIN!! it seems like auto fiction, when you write about yourself but pretend it’s happening to a character. damn. crazy coping mechanism. good to know that he is kinda a loser all around. 

so, some days he longs for a second chance. okay, yeah, we all do cancer man, and most of us didn’t kill JFK.

the phone rings. it’s DEEP THROAT! my old friend!! were they tight?!

it seems that on christmas eve of 1991 was when a weird alien spaceship arrived to earth. and the occupant is in “critical condition”. also, deep throat mentions the UFO he had claimed to see before in vietnam, so we know he wasn’t lying entirely about that.

they have this fleshy pink alien hooked up to life support, which has me wondering how alien life support works, and also how many types of aliens we are dealing with in this universe. but i’ve mentioned that before. still! worth mentioning again!

lore reveal that is unsettling... DEEP THROAT’S NAME IS RONALD???? 

idk, i was expecting something like abernathy or shackleton or cromswell!

deep throat gives cigarette man the gun to handle the alien situation- but CSM protests, saying that a “living EBE” could advance bill mulder’s project by decades!!! MR. MULDER MENTIONED?!? he'd be willing to break protocol to help his buddy out?!?

but no, deep throat recites the rules from the security council resolution, which makes him remember what they came here to do.

can you just… shoot an alien??? to kill it? well. you can shoot some of them to kill them, but not the kind that need the special neck stabbing device. okay, keeping track of all this, just seems like maybe all aliens would need something a bit cooler to vanquish them.

they’re fighting over killing an alien…. cig man doesn’t want to do it, so he tosses a coin. so he makes deep throat do it?!?! deep throat says that this is their new enemy. honestly, the sad little alien does not look like he can hurt you, but okay.

(i mean, do they really need the gun? he’s an alien on life support, just pull the plug)

oh…. cig man rips the bandage off his neck as deep throat climbs into some gear to… gas the alien? now what is the significance of this bandage that has been on his neck but ONLY for part three of the story?

that alien is creepy. deep throat really does shoot the damn thing. and cig man lights up while this goes down. is every cigarette one dude he killed….? damn. that’s like 5 packs a day….

“part 4: the x-files”

OOOO, info on scully being brought in!!!

OMG!!! we see parts of her thesis.

did we know she went to the university of maryland? well, i didnt, so that counts as a…

! SCULLY LORE REVEAL ! she graduated from the university of maryland in 1986!

(looking back, i realize this was all flashback stuff from the pilot. but i didn't KNOW at the time that this show would do such things to me, so i wasn't taking detailed notes! wow! how much has changed)

but it’s cancer man reading her thesis. stay away from her!

okay, now we’re back to one of the earliest times we ever saw scully, in her pilot episode fit. and was cig man actually there in the pilot? i think he was, right?

aww, we get to relive the “FBI’s most unwanted” moment through cancer man’s listening. it’s creepy, but still a heartwarming time.

back to the modern day- frohike is talking about how cancer man is “the most dangerous man alive”, because he believes these actions are all that life allows him, and he can never escape himself. damn. that’s deep.

and then back to the 1991 christmas eve scene… an editor loved CSM's book! he used the pen name “raul bloodworth”… have we heard that before? well, i’ll keep an eye out on various shelves. so he calls the number they gave him… he is desperate for validation… and he’s going on about how he wants the cover to look. there’s a cutting comment about “working with young authors”, and the publisher says he’ll have to “relinquish some control”. and cancer man is SO excited.

oh my gosh… wait, why am i lowkey emotional now? but that emotion is very specifically second hand embarrassment.

so he’s typing his RESIGNATION LETTER?? for the day the story gets published. for some reason he thinks that getting one story published = a life of steady income. HAH! if only.

he even takes a wistful look at his cigarettes and crushes them in his hand!!! wow, a time to begin again.

lmao i see a reference to darin morgan in the background magazines… do not think you are slick, props team!

CSM’s going to go pick up his story from a newspaper… and his story was published in a porno… and they changed his ending… 

this is NOT a good thing omg

and the newspaper salesman says that the magazine is garbage…

we just watched his dreams die in real time. and with the magazine, he buys another pack of cigarettes. damn. no chance for a new life, i guess. 

CSM’s now monologing about how life is like a box of chocolates (disappointing), and this is an interesting juxtaposition, because he is next to a man who is digging through garbage while he says all this, so clearly his material status could be a lot worse but it’s probably a mental prison, being rich and important and also sad.

Frohike clarifies that this CSM theory is based on a story he read, but he’s going to check with some hackers. as frohike walks out the door, cancer man mumbles that he can kill him whenever he pleases, but chooses not to do so today. 

woah… very different, but i actually really liked this episode!

i liked getting a peek into the mystical lore surrounding CSM, but also it wasn’t THAT much of a peek, you know? we know a few of the things he did, and that he did them in the name of fighting communism. i guess when he thought that communism was “defeated” they switched to aliens, but also aliens had to be there the whole time, because they did make the agreement about it after ww2. so he’s been up to a lot of stuff.

do i feel a little bad that he can’t get his writing published? yeah, but like i said in a “it’s cringey” kinda way, which i think was the intention. it’s funny that he has amassed all this power but is still a flop. 

like i said, i feel weird about the whole MLK thing. i think the coloring going black and white was to illustrate CSM's black and white thinking, about how you are either right or wrong, and to be wrong requires punishment, no matter what anyone else says on the matter. that was interesting.

hmm, i'm pondering. what will happen next to our smoky- well, i was going to say "our smoky friend", but we are not friends at all, are we? where will our tobacco-filled creep lead us?

i liked this one! it was really different from the traditional episode structure, so it felt special and nice. i liked getting an idea of his line of work and how he got involved with it and why, even if the killing post-Bay of Pigs thing was weird, but i GUESS it did bring the soviets and cuba closer together, so i GUESS if you thought anything that advanced communism had to be avenged, you would think that is a logical conclusion.

hmm, i can't afford to try and figure out who actually did it IRL! too much on my plate. it's an interesting theory... i shall have to give it a long contemplation.

[worthless-misery]

Dear diary...

I've always... Wanted to be a singer.

That had always been my dream, and I remember thinking before I graduated that I would make that a thing for me no matter what.

I thought it would be a way to at least make life a bit bearable for myself.

...but here I am, afraid to do anything about it.

I have recorded myself singing and composed some songs, but I'm always too afraid to share any of it.

I hate my voice, and I'm ashamed of it.

And I feel like... I don't even deserve to be heard.

[ariesvibe]

.