#killing myself killing myself i am so tired

[milgram-en]

Trial 3 - Mikoto Voicelines (English Translation)

カヤノ…　ミコト…　だよな？　ぼくは…　そうだよな。あはは。何言ってんだかって感じだよね？ Kayano... Mikoto- That's me, right? Ah ha ha... What am I even talking about anymore?

僕は許されたんだよね。そうっか。イヤァ、それは…　うれしいよ。やってないんだよね。ぼくは何も…　ね？ I was forgiven, right? I see. Ah, it's... I'm happy about it. I didn't do anything, right? I didn't... do anything... right?

何か、自分の中からなくなってしまったような、不安……　不安なんだ。もう疲れたよ、やめたい。何もかも。 I'm anxious... I'm so... anxious- It feels as if something has completely become lost from within myself. I'm so tired- I want to stop... everything. I'm tired of everything.

はは……　三審って言ったって、これ以上…　これ以上何を話すって言うんだ。だってぼくは…何も…だよな。でも、じゃ……　これは…… 殺したのか……　ぼくが。 Haha... You say it's the third trial but... what more is there to talk about? Because I... have nothing... anymore, right? But then... This... Someone was killed... by... my self?

殺した…　殺したんだろ…　本当に…？　ぼく…ぼくが…知らないうちに……　なんて…　どうしたら…　いいんだよ、こんなの…　一人で…！ (Retching) ...killed someone. I... killed someone... didn't I...? I... Me... without even being aware...!? What... what am I supposed to do? How do I... all alone on my own what should I- what do I do...!?

T/N: Translator's Notes will be found in the replies. Check the original post before reblogging as TLs are occasionally revisited and edited.

[berryispunk]

What I Didn't Say

pairing: Frankie Morales x gn! reader

tags: mention of mental health struggles, depression, inner turmoil, comfort, fluff, Frankie being the best boyfriend ever, soft! Frankie

notes: This was written mostly for myself but if even one person finds comfort in this too, my job is done. unbeta'd

word count: 1,9 k

It is a regular Tuesday. Same process at work. The same dumb questions, the same people. But something is off, something inside of you. Something buried so deep you almost forgot yourself it was there. But it crawled onto the surface slowly and gradually over the last days, tinting everything darker, muting the colors around you. 

The signs were there for a while now, building up one by one. You should have known better, but you decided to ignore them all instead.

Throwing yourself into work, listening to music on your earphones constantly, never a minute alone with your own thoughts, too afraid of what they might reveal.  

It makes you feel heavy, slowed down and every day feels endless. 

Tasks you’re usually able to solve in minutes dragged on for hours. 

You feel numb, dissociated and irritated and after a while you weren’t able to lie to yourself anymore. 

Your unpleasant visitor inside your mind unpacked its baggage once again, making himself comfortable in your brain and wouldn’t check out any time soon.

When it is finally time to go home after work you feel particularly drained and still the thought of returning home into your tiny apartment, which mirrored your inner mess perfectly at the moment, makes you feel even more uneasy.

So you drive around the city for a while with no real destination in mind. 

Your window pulled down, the cool evening air a welcoming distraction of your whirlwind of thoughts. Your mind wandering around, not able to form one clear thought, too many voices but still you feel utterly alone. 

As alone as ever. Isolated even if you’re not. You have friends, colleagues, a loving boyfriend but you feel miles apart from all of them. Nobody is able to understand your pain and you are too tired to explain. It’s not that you didn’t think about opening up to someone, you did. But how can you explain this big sadness inside of you when you don’t know how to put it into words?

After a while your bluetooth speakerphone ringing brings you back into the present and without even knowing, or caring, who’s on the other end of the line you pick up. 

“Hello ?”

“Hey, beautiful” the voice on the other end is rich and warm, making you smile for the first time today. It was your boyfriend Frankie. 

“Hey… sorry I didn’t call you earlier,I-uh…was busy” you try to lie, masking your inner turmoil. But he does know you better or at least he knows something is off.

“You’re not at home, are you?” he asks, a hint of doubt in his tone.

“No, I'm still driving. Why?”

There’s a deep rumbling laugh on the other end.

“Well, I am in front of your apartment door and nobody’s opening, so safe to say no one’s home…”

Your first instinct is to ask why the hell he’s standing at your apartment door without telling you first, but then you remembered that’s just who Frankie is. He always let actions speak louder than words. Showing up when you least expect it is just one part of the Morales package. He’s a rare gem in the world of macho-dickheads. Sometimes you still wonder what he sees in you out of all people he possibly could’ve be with ? But you count your blessings every day. 

“I’ll come home now. Give me about…” you glance at the digital clock in your car dashboard “15 minutes” you add and he hums in agreement before you hang up. 

Honestly you’re not really in the mood for small talk or any other form of human interactions in general, but you’ve been avoiding Frankie for a few days now. Mostly for selfish reasons but also because you don’t want to drag him down into your abyss so you decide to dive in head first.

15 minutes later on the dot you kill the motor in front of your apartment complex, making your way up to the third floor with heavy steps. 

You can’t shake the tiredness off, it still lingers even when your heart flutters in your chest as soon as you spot Frankie leaning against the wall next to your front door. 

His signature cap worn deep, his arms crossed over his chest, making him look as broad as ever and whistling some melody to himself. 

The moment he spots you his whole face lights up, his eyes crinkling and his face so full of genuine joy by just seeing you it makes you feel incredibly guilty for not wanting to see him just seconds ago. 

He steps towards you, his smile only widening and making your stomach do somersaults.  

He wraps his arms around your waist and dips his head to kiss your cheek, the visor of his cap touching your temple. 

“Sorry you had to wait for so long… I–” you contemplate telling him the whole truth, but decide against it, not wanting to drag his mood down too. 

“Work was a lot”, you lie again and he just shakes his head. 

“‘s alright, I don’t mind. I mean, I could’ve at least texted you beforehand, but where’s the surprise in that?” he laughs as you fumble with your keys to let you both inside. 

It just dawned on you that your place isn’t particularly tidy right now and you feel heat creeping up at your cheeks in embarrassment. 

“Sorry.. didn’t have time to tidy up. I know it’s a mess…” you sigh as you let your bag slump  to the ground and kick off your shoes, trying hard to not let him feel how disappointed you are about yourself, but Frankie doesn’t say a thing. 

He just kicks off his shoes as well and places the plastic back he was holding onto the kitchen counter. 

“I brought some Chinese take-out” he says, making it sound like the most obvious thing to do when in reality it is not. You’re not used to this kind of attention and it makes you feel all kinds of emotions. Mostly good of course, but it also makes you question if you’re able to give him the same amount back or if you’re losing in the partner department, especially the last few weeks.

“Why did you do that?” you ask, the words coming out quicker than your mind has time to process it.

“Do what?”

“This” you point onto the bag of food he’s just about to unpack and he stills his movement.

“I thought you like chinese…” he says, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

“I do, it’s just.. you could’ve texted first,you know” you say irritated, regretting your harsh voice immediately as you see his shoulders sag slightly.

“I am sorry, it’s just–” he trails off, rubbing his neck sheepishly. 

“I had the feeling something was off and you’re kinda short and snippy the last few days. I just wanted to check on you and… “ a short breath “I’m sorry if I overstepped or anything I’m just, argh, i don’t know… worried?”

His rumbling leaves you speechless for a moment. Too much to unpack for your depressed mind. You slump onto the stool next to your kitchen counter, running a hand through your hair. You should’ve known he notices your change, he’s a really attentive person after all.

“I am sorry, Frankie” you simply say and you mean it but the words have greater meaning than just an apology for your behavior.

“You have nothing to be sorry for” he assures you and it doesn’t ease your mind in the slightest instead it makes you feel even worse. 

You don’t know how to bring this up because you’re not good at communicating your feelings, you never learned how. So you say nothing in return and the silence is deafening. 

You feel his big hands gently caressing your arms and it almost causes you to sob, the gentleness of his touch unlike everything else. 

“Please, talk to me” he pleads, his soft brown eyes searching yours and you can’t stand it any longer so you rise up from your seat and wrap your arms around his midsection, burying your face against his chest. 

“I’m not good at this, Frankie… I wish I would be but I am not. I am a mess, simple as that” you mumble against his shirt, your voice muffled by the fabric. 

He stays silent for a moment, his hand crawling the back of your head before he murmurs against your hair “It’s okay… you don’t have to explain anything if you don’t want to. I am here, even if you don’t wanna talk at all that’s also fine with me” 

The tears prick hot in corners of your eyes, his voice like a balm for your troubled mind but it doesn’t stop your inner world from colliding. He should run as long as he has the chance, find someone better that isn’t as broken and as complicated as you are. The next words start to bubble up before you have the chance to stop them.

“I’m sorry for pushing you away the last few weeks, it’s just my default response, you know. Didn’t want to burden you with my shit.”

“You don’t burden me with this, lemme’ carry some of that weight with you, okay?” he reasons softly with you, his hand still cradling the back of your head gently, placing a soft kiss on the top of your hair. 

“I don’t know how.. everytime I tried to share my darkness with someone, they left. I’m scared to lose you too, because you–” the following words are chocked “You are the best thing I ever had and I really don’t wanna fuck this up” you admit. 

“You won’t lose me just because you have some demons to face, beautiful. We all have, believe me I do too. It’s getting easier once you’re able to talk about it, I promise. I am here to stay, okay?” he lifts your head gently from his chest, his thumbs stroking your cheekbones and the honesty of his words written all over his face. 

You nod as he kisses your forehead, his lips lingering for a moment on your skin. 

“Let me in, okay? That’s all I ask. We figure the rest out as we go…” 

“Okay” you ultimately answer, your voice strained with barely contained emotions. 

“But don’t say I didn’t warn you, yeah?” 

“I served in the army. Nothing scares me off that easily anymore, trust me” he chuckles deeply before he lets go of your head to get some silverware. “Let’s eat something okay? And afterwards we can watch some movie you like.” 

“Even a cheesy romance movie?” you retort with a smirk as you take a seat on the kitchen stool once again. 

“Even a cheesy, cringey romance movie if that lifts your spirits, but you have to at least let me make some comments…” he grins as he places some fried chicken and noodles on your plate first like it’s the most natural thing to do. Which for him it might be. 

“Deal” you say as you start munching on some of the food, watching him putting some Chinese food on his own plate. “Thank you” you murmur and words aren’t enough to express the extend of your gratitude.

“It’s nothing” he shrugs off while taking a seat next to you. 

“Wrong, it’s everything”, you correct and he holds your gaze for a long moment before he smiles warmly and starts eating.

And for the first time in a while you feel like maybe happiness is in reach again. 

[the-stove-is-divorced]

Scar erasure is horror is so peak, never seen it used? Lil bit of body horror. Give it to Mark Grayson, why not <3

Debbie be defined by something OTHER than men challenge (failed). I am so tired. Make her a person. Please. Can she ever be a person? Can she please?

Oliver does scream plot device, which I feel neutral for, small children tend to be I suppose. Tho it irritates me more when his actions/thoughts don't actually reflect how he's parented by Debbie and/or Mark. Which we've discussed before already, but what really ticks me off is why he looks like a purple human child. Cosplay dye gone wrong ass baby. Who dunked him in grape juice. NOBODY IS PURPLE. And I KNOW this isn't a unique mutation thing because they NEVER bring up how being a hybrid impacts their biology/culture/genes/what have you (at least in show?). THRAXANS ARE ALL BLUE. They're not even different shades of blue. HE'S PURPLE. I am calming myself down. I am calm. Back to the point, Cecil raising Oliver is such a concept...scribbling that down for a oneshot cause, truly, what would that look like? Though, there's something so funny about Oliver still being a little shit and Mark blaming himself anyway. He's such a guilt magnet (affectionate).

AND GASP. Mark failing so hard at raising Oliver, rather than dragging Debbie into it, it's CECIL? The fucked up parental/mentor dynamic of the CENTURY? HELLO? You can't just say this to me, my brain is spinning. At what point does he realize he's over his head? Like, does Cecil get an emergency call only to realize it's a sleep deprived, painfully frantic Mark trying to ask him how to put a shrieking, fussy toddler to sleep? Cecil refusing to change diapers. What does that look like, omg. Does Oliver live there at the GDA and Mark starts visiting like crazy, and there's in-house babysitters designated to Oliver? Shared custody omg. I can potentially see Cecil agreeing only to use as leverage, Mark owes him, and Oliver can be potentially loyal to him?

Why would Oliver be so aware? And, yeah, it's the framing of his origins that's driving my curiosity, here. Because yeah, if he remembers the utter destruction of his own home and his dad's people killing others, would he not have some hostility towards Nolan? Like, is Nolan just described as a "bad guy"? A hero who did "bad things"? Have they ever tried framing murder/death/etc in a way Oliver can understand, he's a child, no? Like how does Oliver like his dad so much? HOW???? Is Mark telling Oliver the fun stories about their dad as he processes how he feels about Nolan? Like it'd be one thing if Debbie doesn't talk about it at all + Mark can't process the full what Nolan did, thus telling romanticized stories. Then it makes Mark's inability to articulate why it's so bad make sense, because he has to face what Nolan did to others/him/Debbie/etc himself. But that's not what they're doing here? This is why this show makes me squint. They just have a dynamic but not how we got here, and it's not quite clear why they'd even act that way to cause this outcome.

CHEW HIS FOOD? I FORGOT THAT?? JUSTICE FOR DEBBIE? WHAT ABOUT A BLENDER BRUH? Also fr, Debbie did SO MUCH for this AFFAIR CHILD and this mf names himself Omni-Man Junior/The kid whatever. TRULY WHERE DID HE? It can't even be a "oh viltrumites genetically/biologically find it difficult to emphasize," 'cause look at Mark??? HE'S ALSO A HYBRID? Why wouldn't Debbie point out Mark used to be the same way if she's raised both? Nolan, like you said, ruined lives. Ruined Andressa's! Oliver would REMEMBER THAT ??? Oliver would SEE any article / post / video about Nolan is HIM DESTROYING ANOTHER CITY? Outright trying to kill his BROTHER. If anything, Oliver could've been so hostile to Nolan he'd want to kill him, just SAYING that, and not quite understanding the depth of death/murder, THUS Mark's inability to refute that THEN stems from a) the shock b) dealing with the thought he doesn't want his Dad to die and still misses him c) acknowledging his Dad has continuously hurt people and hasn't stopped yet, would that be right? Boom, morality dilemma. Or, solidify Mark TRYING to be consistently anti-kill, batman style.

Like this can work, at least for me, but the current setup is confusing????

Also give Oliver ability to make insect-like sounds. Like legit anything. I'm trying to push through wip's, and I keep including Oliver makes a clicking sound (like predator movies) as a baby 'cause it's a noise Thraxans can make, like give me something different??? WHY IS A PURPLE CHILD.

Also curious how you're finding the newest 4th episode! :)

Mark agreeing to go hang out on a beach w Debbie instead of refusing and the beach is Beach City (am now officially thinking too much about this crossover lol)

The way I got caught up on our back and forth I almost forgot this, lol! AND OH MY GOODNESS, IMAGINE? I forget exactly what which point Debbie makes the beach offer, but I’d love when exactly in SU/SUF-timeline they’d go? There’s something so fucking funny to me about them going during the SUF-timeline and always narrowly missing the strange, Steven-shaped mental breakdowns in the back. I know those don’t occur in a single day, but it’s tickling me. How could they miss anything? I don’t know I just think it’s funny.

Though, post-SUF is interesting if Gems can see the similar “world on your shoulders”, Mark has going on! Steven can shunt the narrative in the Gems’ minds, which I think is neat, if I’m not misusing the phrase since the guy’s on the road far away. Or maybe it’s just before Steven goes and they stumble into each other. I’d kinda love Pearl and Debbie interacting, honestly, if they could talk about loving someone who hurt you, hide things from you, even when you thought you knew them so deeply, and they left you to raise a child. Pearl being in a well adjusted space, and Debbie still grieving.

Honestly, the gems could help train Mark, they’re got experience and similar-ish powers in strength, sturdiness, and they can jump/run fast enough for flying to be vaguely similar enough to lecture about, I think. Or Lapis Lazulis, haha! Peridot with her trash can lid! Garnet, I’d love to see if she told Mark anything about his future in vague, well meaning advice. Or even giving relationship advice considering Amber. Or, importantly, how to convince an entire reign to end their colonizing ways, lol. Is Mark perhaps willing to start a war, take advantage of being related to any leaders, or fake his own death to varying results?

In general, there’s something so fucking funny to me about Nolan, in the sake of comparison, being Pink Diamond coded. Like OH, did an important or well respected of the colonizing empire come to earth and learn the beauty of its people and nature, including faking/lying/omitting things about his identity and background to being in, only to feel conflicted when his responsibility still remained, and he tried to free himself from them? Yikes! We’ve been through that before! Like gimme Pink Diamond and Nolan outfit swap rn. This is tickling me so much oh my goodness.

[insert-game]

anyone else about 1 more wrong thing happening from exploding

[mythicalcoolkid]

You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side

[bleppybeans]

New Chaggie Headcannon: Vaggie used to pull at her hair when she was stressed, so Charlie got her the bow as a present so she would pull on the bow instead!

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

So, I cannot show support to Palestine at my university (flyers for protest, the colors and the flag, you get it...) because it's "encouraging violence and antisemitism" but when my university was tagged with antisemitic symbols, they did NOTHING. When the students union was targeted with threat of violence and their office was destroyed, covered with neo-nazis symbols, they did NOTHING.

The Neo-Nazis student association (which has been multiple times reported for their hate-crimes) were distributing flyers at the entrance yesterday WITHOUT ANY ISSUES, because they support Israel.

[simandy]

Yesterday: rain clouds and thunders. Only a few drops here. No alert on my climate app. Ridiculous storm going on the next city. We got the gov alert. They didn't.

Today: rain clouds and thunders. Heavy rain here. Orange alert on my climate app. Ridiculous storm going on here right above me. Nobody got the gov alert. Anywhere.

Clown country (sertanejo ver.)

[fernsproutxx]

WAIT FUCK DUDE I JUST REALIZED THAT ALL MY WIP PAGES OF THE “THAT UNIQUE PLACE” COMIC ARE INSIDE MY DEAD TABLET FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK—

AND MY ANIMATIONS TOO I’M—

[wh0r3zzz]

Why the fuck am I still here.

[tpup]

my libido on T: I can get hard from seeing the sunlight on her arm hair. I need to grind out an hour or two of orgasms before I can function for the day. I want to knock someone up in a truckstop bathroom.

my libido on E: I want to slowly, carefully remove the skin from a face with surgical tools. I am not hard but this is somehow sexual. I don't think I could cum if my life depended on it

[marblerose-rue]

click for better quality!

the hush of rain / scourge

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

Nazis are a threat to everyone. We know this, we understand this. HOWEVER. Goyim, non-Jewish people, I'm asking you to think before you speak on Elon's actions.

Yes, the people trying to insist it was just a "Roman salute" and meant nothing are infuriating, but I have seen responses to it that do nothing more than encourage neo-Nazis and their sympathizers. I've seen "comebacks" where people say "Go do a "Roman salute" in a crowd", "go do it in front of a Jewish person". I just saw a video of someone saying, "Better yet, find yourself a synagogue, and go do the "Roman salute", and see how that goes... bet you won't."

You are putting Jewish people in danger. You, leftist who thinks you're being so smart and witty with your comeback, are encouraging neo-nazis to threaten Jewish people. "Better yet"? Go find a synagogue? Go find a synagogue, go there to do the Nazi salute, and that's the better option you're suggesting to them? What you're doing is telling a Nazi that they need to actively harm Jewish people to prove their beliefs to you, and I can tell you that encouragement is embraced by them.

Jewish people are already going to be one of the main targets of any Nazi or white supremacist group, but half of you are actively offering us up for your "gotcha" moment. Y'all don't think before you speak, and you need to examine why you would ever think to give specific ideas on how to harm Jewish people to neo-Nazis who have just been emboldened to a level we haven't seen in decades.

[sevenyeargap]

reappearing from my migrainebound state to say that im reaching a BIG milestone on here and AO3 soon so tell me what is YOUR 🫵 favorite ace attorney Momence!!!!!

[downtownhannah]

was literally sick & bedridden last week yet i agreed to finish a 5 person group project all while trying to finish the 4 days of in class work + homework i missed and battle with the shitshow that is my personal life

im genuinely so tired

[pilonciillo]

lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety