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queenofspades6 · 1 year ago

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Greatest Investment | Kaz Brekker x reader

Summary: You eavesdrop on Kaz and Inej, you watched as they get closer, and well, it doesn’t go as planned…

Based on this request I received:

”Hiii! I haven't watched the second season yet, but I saw a Gif of a kiss (or almost kiss) between Kaz and Inej, and I was wondering if you would write about the reader having feelings for Kaz since they met, but she doesn't have the courage to talk, so at some point in the day she goes to check if Kaz needs anything and ends up witnessing the kiss (or almost kiss) between Kaz and Inej, and the reader feels like the silliest person in the world after that.”

Warnings: Angst. (Sorry…)

A/N: Hi! I hope you’ll enjoy what I wrote, I took some liberties since I was so inspired by the request!! I love some good angst! Did I use again in a Kaz Brekker fic title the word ‘investment’? Oops…I think meeting Freddy and Amita made me that way! They are so incredible!

———

Being Ketterdam’s most famous assassin wasn’t an easy life. You were one of Kaz Brekker’s Crows, always here if needed. Since you were part of the Crows, there was something unspoken between Kaz and you. There was some sort of tension from the beginning, even Nina and Jesper had noticed.

”How is the most beautiful woman in Ketterdam doing?“ Jesper asked, taking place to the bar counter next to you.

You rolled your eyes and repressed a grin.

“What do you want, Jesper?“

“Can’t I just compliment you without needing a reason?”

You stared at him meticulously, but Jesper couldn’t look back. Interesting. He needed to ask you something then...

“Fine! Fine! I need your help.“

You sighed but smiled.

”What? It’s not my fault, Y/N, if you give good advice! Don’t blame me!”

”Jesper, what do you need me for?“ You questioned, taking a sip at your drink.

“You see...“

Jesper was trying to avoid your gaze.

”Jesper. My patience has its limits.”

“Alright! Fine! I want to prepare a date for Wylan and I need your help.” He spitted, playing with his gun on his hand.

You nodded.

”I’ll help you. What do you need me for?“

”I don’t know what to plan. Maybe something he’ll like.”

You laughed, thinking about your previous conversation with Wylan about a sweet and wonderful place you both wanted to go to escape for once the cold streets of Ketterdam.

“Jes. You know what? Bring him to Butterfly’s Heaven, you declared, a smile already drawing on your lips at the thought, it’s a greenhouse where all the species of butterfly can fly freely. There’s also an endearing cafe there to drink something while watching the butterflies.” You replied, stars already dancing in your eyes thinking about all the marvelous butterflies.

“Do you think Wylan will love it?”

”Definitely! We talked about it all week, and he was desperate to go. You should bring him. He’ll love it. And buy him a stuffed toy, he’ll marry you right after.”

Jesper was smiling at the thought of Wylan asking his hand in marriage.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

“You and Wylan deserve to be happy.“

“What if it’s not enough, Y/N? What if I am not enough?” He opened up, not caring if he was vulnerable in front of you.

“You are enough, Jesper, you always have.”

You looked at him and smiled, hoping one day you’ll find someone that will care for you as much as Jesper wants Wylan.

“Wylan thinks you are enough, he loves you, Jes. And even Kaz knows it, even if he won’t ever admit it.”

You took another sip of the whisky in front of you and heard someone giggling.

”Hi Y/N!”

Wylan was embracing Jesper with his hands around his shoulders.

“Hi you.” Wylan said to Jesper.

Jesper didn’t even reply and kissed him tenderly as if he were the most precious thing in the world. And at that moment, you swore he were. They broke the kiss, and Wylan blinked several times as if to recover from the intensity of the kiss. It warmed your heart, even if you said nothing.

“What were you talking about?” Wylan asked, coming back to his senses.

Jesper almost jumped off his seat.

”We were talking about Y/N’s feelings for Kaz!“ Jesper answered spontaneously, too scared to reveal what he had planned.

”What? We were?” You almost spitted your drink on the counter of the bar. Now you were facing Jesper and Wylan. How dare he expose you like that?

”Oh seems interesting.” Wylan said, waiting for you to say more.

“There’s nothing between me and Kaz.”

Wylan looked at you wide-eyed, and Jesper sighed, before saying:

”Lie, Y/N. Haven’t you noticed how Kaz always checks on you after a heist, how you always have dresses, jewels, food, everything you want given to you for nothing in shops, you think it’s because of your fine looks? No. Even if you’re beautiful, Y/N, no offense! It’s Kaz’s doing. He made me went with him to each shop, each café, each place in Ketterdam you would want to go to pay, or should I say ‘bribe’ them for you to always have what’s best, no matter the cost.”

”That’s not true, that’s-”

”And what about this time you almost died, and he stayed at your bed an entire week, ordering every Dreg not to disturb him, and how you always have your tea and waffles ready for you every morning? Even Nina is jealous!” He confessed.

”I thought it was you or Wylan who was making me breakfast every morning!”

”It’s not.“ He muttered.

”He’s right, Y/N.” Wylan nodded. ”Even Nina told me last time about how his heartbeat jumped when you are in the same place, and how irritating it was for her to feel both of your heartbeats jumping when you’re together.”

“You should tell him how you feel, Y/N. You are the one who encouraged me to be with Wylan, because life is short, and in Ketterdam, death is always near. He cares about you, more than he’ll ever admit.”

”I don’t have feelings for Kaz fucking Brekker!” You almost screamed and avoided Wylan and Jesper’s gazes.

You took your glass of whisky and finished it all. The feeling of alcohol burning your throat almost soothed you.

”You do.” Jesper smiled and teased you.

”No, I don’t!”

Wylan rolled his eyes at his boyfriend’stuborness.

”Y/N! There you are, I thought you were with Kaz!”

You jumped off your seat. Fortunately for you, it was only Nina and not Dirtyhands himself.

”Nina, you scared the hell out of me.”

She grinned as if she had planned it all along.

”What are the three of you up to?“ She questioned, eyebrows raised.

"We are talking about Y/N’s feelings for Kaz.” Wylan answered before you could even speak.

”Not you too, Wylan!”

He smirked, almost shyly, and even if you wanted to blame him, you couldn’t blame his cute silly face.

”Hmmm, you and Waffles are not so discreet with your feelings.”

You sighed and tried to ignore Nina’s voice. You knew that if you listened to them, you would probably end up in Kaz’s office confessing your feelings for him, because on some missions, it became unbearable. The need to protect him, to check on him, how he could make you feel powerful and useless at the same time.

“Y/N. Heartbeats don’t lie.” Nina whispered to you, and you were sure Wylan and Jesper would not hear.

”Stop Nina. I- I- He’s not in love with me. Kaz Brekker can’t be in love. Love is a weakness, and I am only his latest investment.” You repeated, only to convince yourself of it.

“So how do you explain how his heartbeat go faster when you’re here, how I can feel his heart trying to get out of his chest when you’re injured. He cares. He tries to hide it, but the heart doesn’t lie. Never.”

You looked at her blue ocean eyes, and she caressed your shoulder in encouragement.

”Try to tell him, try to tell him you care, if only that. Love is a fragile thing, cherish it while it lasts.”

You swore you saw an ounce of sadness and regret flashing in her eyes as she remembered Matthias.

“I think you can help him with his past.” Nina muttered.

You looked at your empty glass, and noticed how your hands were trembling. Maybe they were right. Maybe it was time for you to tell him, that at least you cared for him. More than him being just your Boss.

You stood up, levelled up your chin, and took several steps towards Kaz’s office.

You were Ketterdam’s most notorious assassin, and you would not be afraid.*

You advanced towards the door slowly, you wanted to knock but the door was already ajar.

You could do it, you had done so much worse. You took a deep breath before-

You heard voices in his office. You heard him first, talking with a female voice, a voice you didn’t not recogn-

it was Inej’s.

Kaz and Inej were in his office talking. Your instinct was screaming at you to leave and come back later, but curiosity got the better of you.

You stayed, you tried to understand what they were saying, but you couldn’t. Slowly the most slowly possible you pushed the door and waited. Kaz and Inej were still talking, you took it as a sign they didn’t hear your presence. You weren’t Ketterdam’s best assassin for nothing. You took a silent step and looked at Kaz’s office.

You didn’t expect what you saw.

Kaz and Inej were close, too close for your liking, dangerously close. Too close that any of them could bear. So how was it they were here, almost touching each other. You swore Kaz could feel Inej’s breathing on his chin.

Watching them so close together made your heart beating faster. You wanted to scream but no sound came. No explanation came to your mind. Why was Inej here? You tried to focus on the words you heard, but none of them made sense. You were near but you couldn’t hear them clearly, it was as if your brain didn’t want you to eavesdrop. You heard some words like ‘crows’ and ‘family’.

You pushed the door again, without a sound. You leaned on the door and focused on the voices.

“Inej.”

You heard Kaz’s voice as it broke, and you needed to take a glimpse at what was going on right now. You took a deep breath and looked at them. Kaz’s gloved hand was on Inej’s shoulder. They were staring at each other like nothing else mattered in the entire world. Even if you were not close, you could decipher Inej’s surprise at Kaz’s sudden touch.

”Let me go, Kaz.”

Kaz removed his hand, and an ounce of sadness and rejection passed on his face.

“We need you, here.“

You watched as Inej shooked her head.

“Stay, Inej. Stay. Please.”

Her name sounded as a prayer in Kaz’s lips.

”I can’t, Kaz, and you know why.“ She whispered.

“We need you, Inej, please. We- I... I need you.“

Without noticing, Kaz caught Inej’s arm with his gloved hand, preventing her from leaving.

You couldn’t see them clearly; the door was blocking your path. You tried to lean on a bit further but failed miserably. Why did you push your luck? Your whole body had been trembling the whole time, even with the multiple tries to steady your heartbeat and calm yourself. The door opened slightly, and your face was greeted by the floor.

All you felt was numbness, shock and realization. Kaz and Inej were staring at you in wonder. You could already feel Kaz’s grave gaze at you.

“What? Did you never see someone fall before?“ You questioned, trying to hide your discomfort.

Feeling ashamed, you stood up awkwardly and crossed Kaz’s eyes.

“Y/N.“ Kaz declared.

You nodded.

“It’s not what you think.” Inej replied immediately, trying to maintain her composure.

Kaz was leaning on his cane, and his eyes never left your form.

”Don’t worry, I didn’t see anything. I won’t tell a soul. Keep going. I am leaving right now.” You gestured to the door and fled.

”Y/N, wait.“ Kaz said.

You ran through the Crow Club, not caring what the Dregs thought.

”Y/N!” Jesper screamed, hoping to catch your attention.

Why were you running?

Kaz followed after you, even if his leg hurt. He tried to, but you were too fast for him. After all, you were an assassin. A clumsy one at that...

You didn’t care. You ran until your lungs couldn’t bear the feeling, until your knees broke under the weight of your exhausted body. But where could you go in Ketterdam? A place where no Dreg could ever find you.

You knew the perfect place.

Months ago the Crows had gone on an heist with your help. The goal was simple, Kaz had said: ‘we enter, we take the painting, and we leave unnoticed’. He had insisted on the word ‘unnoticed’ looking specifically at Jesper. You had agreed to help them steal the damn painting if it pleases them. Truth be told you couldn’t say no to more Kruge. When you entered the grim manor Kaz had depicted, you noticed how silent and peaceful it was. No soul lived here. Was it the place where the painting was hidden? Maybe Kaz had made a mistake. But he had confirmed it was here. The manor was abandoned long ago by a duke trying to escape his demons. That’s all Kaz had told you, and you hadn’t asked for more at the time. Now you wished you had, because you were headed towards the old manor. A place where just the ghosts could disturb you. Ghosts were better than men, right? Better than some Bastard of the Barrel.

It could be the only place where you could scream and cry without someone noticing Ketterdam’s best assassin being vulnerable. Sometimes being the greatest assassin was a weakness, a weakness you couldn’t afford. It meant never showing too much emotion, never crying in front of your enemies... Wait. Was Kaz your enemy?

You didn’t know anymore. Falling in love was a weakness. Something not allowed in the dangerous streets of Ketterdam, a feeling that would destroy everything if not careful. In fact, love was a weapon, and if not used with parsimony and care, it could kill you.

You broke in the manor, remembering the precise path you used last time and found the closest room, the one you had discovered and found surprisingly pleasing. And strangely peaceful.

You closed the door, and sat on the floor, your body curled up, hands around your knees. You tried to forget the memories with the Crows and Kaz, but it was too much. You remembered your times with Jesper talking about guns, the hours eating waffles and ice cream with Nina, the walks with Wylan, the looks of approval coming from Matthias, and this cane... The cane you would never forget, even if you wanted to. You remembered the day when you had ended up wounded after eliminating a slaver. You were injured, sitting on the cold pavement. You were trying to catch your breath before escaping, but you had felt a soft but firm tap on your thigh. And without looking, you knew who it belonged to.

It was the Bastard of the Barrel.

He wanted you to think he was invisible, and unpredictable, but what he didn’t know was that long before killing the man, you knew Dirtyhands had followed you.

“Enjoyed the show, didn’t you?” You had questioned, showing your white teeth that must have been covered in blood.

That was the day when he had asked you to join the Crows, and since you had nothing more to do, you had accepted, already thinking about the free drinks you would benefit at the Crow Club.

You also remembered the day when you had wanted to leave the Crows because of some decision Kaz had made. You were angry and had prepared everything to leave in the morning. However, Kaz had watched you wrapping your clothes with a spectacular meticulousness, and had whispered:

“Stay. Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me, Y/N.”

And you had stayed. Of course. When Dirtyhands asked you to stay, you stay. The morning he had woken up at dawn in case you wanted to leave without saying goodbye. He had found you in your usual attire, your knives and guns on your waist.

“You did not leave?”

He had asked, almost as a prayer.

”No. Something keeps me in Ketterdam.”

Kaz had said nothing, but you swore you had seen a grin on his lips this day.

You also remembered the day when you had been badly injured to save Nina from a fatal injury. You had been severely hurt; you weren’t even able to stand up. You remember watching the pitiful looks of the Crows at your broken body sprawled on the ground. Deep down you knew you were now a liability for the Crows, and especially for Kaz, so you had told them to leave you here, and escape before the men you had stolen from were back. You knew the risks and costs of each heist, and already accepted your fate.

Kaz had none of it. He had ordered Matthias to carry you, while Nina would tend to your wound as much as she could and control your heartbeat. Jesper would protect your backs, while Inej was sent to scan the path, and look for any danger. You would never forget the look Kaz had given you when he told you to rest for months if needed and had given you a room close to his own in the Crow Club.

Later, you had asked him why he had saved you instead of leaving you to perish. He had said with conviction:

”We are Crows, Y/N, we never leave our own behind.”

That was all of his qualities and flaws that made you love Kaz Brekker. He was broken, but you had always been a sucker for broken things to tend to. You had offered him everything an assassin could possess: your loyalty, your weapons, your ability to kill, and your heart, ready for the taking...

But now you remembered the sentence Dirtyhands had told you a week ago, telling you all you had to know about what you were to him, and what you could be.

”You’re my greatest investment, Y/N. Don’t fail me. “

He had told you once what you were to him, but you hadn’t listened, you had fallen in love, and now you knew. You knew you had always been an expensive investment, but only that, nothing more.

You had been his greatest investment, and that was all...

———-

Tell me what you thought about this one! I am seriously considering writing a part 2! Likes, shares and comments are appreciated, it makes my day, I really need it!

———

If you liked this fanfiction, you’ll love this one, it also has the word ‘investment’ in the title like this one:

⬇️ ⬇️

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whosthatfunkyrat · 1 year ago

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Chapter 26 of Crooked Kingdom is so well written,

Literally it is a chapter of conflict. And I love that So much. Everything conflicts.

The way Kaz describes things, distance distorting, feeling too far and not far enough.

The way Inej makes him feel, her gentleness making him want to not be gentle.

His thoughts, the conflicting wants.

Helping/destroying

The way she looks at the world in contrast to how he does.

The way Kaz relies on Violence to help heal her. Direct opposites. He’s been so used to being dirty hands that he doesn’t know how to be gentle without relying on the experience of violence to help him.

Also the line “I can best this” in contrast to “he could not do this”

_______

|”creating a gap, feeling both regret and release as he broke contact with her skin”|

(Not pictured bc tumblr pic limit)

Feeling both regret and release when he stops touching her.

_______

| “He secured the knot. 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. He did not step back.” |

(Not pictured because tumblr pic limit)

Disregarding his own commands.

How the sickness is there, the need to run, but so is the need for something else (alluding to his longing to be close to her)

“Kaz thought he knew the language of pain intimately, but this ache was new.”

“After all she’d endured, he was the weak one.”

How it hurts for him to stand so close to her, but it also hurts to be so far away.

“ 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐’𝘮 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘸 he thought wildly”

Despite the pain, he pushes himself close to her.

Him waiting for her to reject him, her accepting him.

His imagination running wild the moment he kisses her. Images of her, alive, well, images of love. Only to be replaced with images of loss, her dead body before him, eyes that were once filled with life replaced with coldness. He feels Disgust and longing twisting in him.

Kaz is always at battle with himself. His wants are constantly conflicting depending on what side of him is talking.

I think the reason the chapter conflicts with itself so much is because this is the first time we see inside Kaz’s head as he directly is confronted by his other self. Kaz Rietveld is the boy who wants to love. Who wants to beg Inej to stay. Who wants to kiss her. It was Rietveld who bent his head to her neck. It was Rietveld who wanted the net. It was Rietveld who took his gloves off. It’s Rietveld who keeps pulling on Brekker’s strings. Loosening him until he gives. Kaz cannot hold off his other self. He cannot hold off who he is deep down. The farm boy who was filled with wonder. Who is 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 filled with wonder every time he looks at Inej.

And what makes this stream of thought horrible- is that when you follow it, everything Rietveld does, everything he Wants, everything he tries- touching her- kissing her-

Every time Kaz tries- Rietveld dies again. In the harbor, with his brother’s body in his hands. Every time Kaz allows his softer side to take hold- he’s brutally murdered again. He drowns. And eventually what’s left standing is Brekker. Cruel and inhumane.

When Kaz kisses her neck, he gives into Rietveld. His mind is flooded with images of love, things he scarcely let himself imagine because he scarcely let himself Be Rietveld. Only when he hears her laugh, sees her smile, looks at her hair, her eyes, does his mind wander to the soft side- the tender side of himself. Only when he’s near Her does he wonder “what happens if I move closer?”.

He kisses her and desire corses through him, love corses through him. But then Rietveld dies at the harbor again. Her body turns into a corpse’s and all the lovely lively things about her die with all the same things in him.

He jumps back, and stops her when she tries to draw nearer. He becomes cruel again. Brekker. He snarls on about who he tortured, who he killed. He see’s her flinch and a pain goes through his heart because beneath the layers of Brekker he’s built atop his heart will Always be Rietveld trying to reach out.

He covers himself in a facade, a mask, layers of clothing, gloves, armor. Layers to protect the boy inside him, still raw and hurt and in need of warmth, in need of love. He has armor in more ways than just his gloves. He builds walls nearly impossible to scale. But Inej is The Wriath, and there is no wall she can’t scale, and no secret she can’t steal.

“Then you can steal my secrets too.”

The hard truth Kaz has to face is that no matter how hard he tries, he will Always Be Rietveld. Deep down he’s not a demon. He’s a human boy. He needs love, companionship, friends.

“Tell Jesper he’s missed… around the slat.”

He cannot face the world alone despite the reputation he builds around the lie that he can. He cannot keep from Loving Inej. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how scarcely he lets himself think about her- he always will eventually wind up thinking about her when he lets his guard down, let’s himself be human, even if it’s for but a moment when her hair is freed from its braid and the sunlight dances through the window behind her. When she laughs. There’s no way, no matter how inhuman he believes himself, he can keep himself from wanting human things to want. Everyone needs love. It doesn’t matter in what capacity you’re talking- everyone NEEDS it. Friendship, romance, companionship, a pet, a kind word from a stranger, opening the door for someone, any of those things- it’s human nature and there’s no avoiding it.

Kaz Brekker Thrives being called a demon. He thrives on the mystery, the myth, the cruelty. He breathes it in because he can’t survive without it. His reputation is quite literally all he has. And his friends are even a result of it. The violence Fuels him. And he’s gotten so reliant on it that he doesn’t know how to be anything else. He doesn’t know how to be anything for anyone unless it involves a scheme, a score, a bit of blood. He quite literally cannot help Inej with her bandages unless he thinks about it as if he were drawing a weapon on someone. Violence was easy.

But the truth is he cannot be Brekker solely.

And he cannot be solely Brekker happily or even contently because he knows Inej will not have him with his armor. So the only option he’s left with is to indulge in Rietveld. To let himself die again and again at that harbor, for her. To use her voice as a tether so that he may not die again. So that she may pull him out of the sea. So that Rietveld can live to give her the love he longs to. He NEEDS Rietveld because he IS Rietveld. And there is no reasoning behind it, no scheme he can concoct to keep his truest self away.

“Dirty hands would have cut his losses and moved on”

But still he says “I would come for you”

Still he reaches out, grabbing Inej’s hand, staying with her, desperately fighting back the waters.

Still, he catches her when she falls, holds her up with worry in his eyes.

Because he’s not JUST Brekker. He’s not JUST dirty hands. He cannot be. No matter how much his hurt self wants him to be. He has to fight to stay alive in the harbor every time he touches her, but he will. Over and over again. For her. For them. He has to.

I’m not suggesting Kaz has some sort of personality disorder or something-

I’m saying I think his past is who Inej sees behind the cruelty. She understands the language of pain intimately, and knows when someone is responding out of pain. I think she sees him for all he is, Brekker and Rietveld, and loves him. He isn’t two people- but one- a very hurt boy who behaves like one, who’s built his life on pain. He conflicts so much with himself because he KNOWS Rietveld was too weak to survive in the barrel. He knows he cannot let himself be too soft. His tell is his love for Inej, and when all that mattered was for him to keep his cool, he looked at her- and Van Eck took her from him. His life is the same story written again and again with a different victim of his love each time- and he’s afraid that should he love anyone, go soft for a second, he’ll lose them. But there’s no way to avoid loving people. There’s no possible way to keep from caring about his friends.

So his only option is to let them have him, have Rietveld.

His only option is to balance both sides of himself, Rietveld and Brekker.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

#six of crows #kaz brekker #soc #crooked kingdom #inej ghafa #shadow and bone #grishaverse #kanej #ck #kazzle dazzle #inej x kaz #kaz being kaz #kaz brekker x inej ghafa #kaz x inej #kaz tag #inej supremacy #sankta inej #jesper fahey

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monikatzu · 4 months ago

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guys why does my art style keep changing am i that inconsistent

i just started drawing again too 😭

aged up kanej btw :33 forgot to mention that cuz i purposely made them look older

#crooked kingdom #kaz brekker #six of crows #shadow and bone #kaz brekker fanart #shadow and bone fanart #six of crows fanart #kanej #kanej has my whole heart #soc kanej #kanej fanart #kanej au #inej ghafa #inej ghafa fanart #kaz brekker x inej ghafa #kaz x inej #inej ghafa x kaz brekker #inej x kaz

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daysofloveandlife · 2 years ago

Photo

Thanks to Freddy Carter and Amita Suman for giving what the fandom want !!

Don’t own those photos

#freddy carter #amita suman x freddy carter #freddy carter and amita suman #fredmita #amita suman #kanej #kanej supremacy #inej gafha #kaz brekker #kaz x inej #kaz brekker x inej ghafa #inej x kaz #shadow and bone #shadow and bone interview #shadow and bone season 2 #asocas2 #convention #six of crows #six of crows spin off

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catdoingblep · 2 years ago

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Jesper, trying to live an almost crimeless life: Now I understand that, love really makes you a better person, like I feel it now, do you also feel this? How love makes us all better versions of ourselves? Wylan who proposed to drown Kuwei in a canal: yes, absolutely Kaz who ripped out a live person's eye: sure Jesper Inej who threatened Pekka using his son as leverage: .......

#shadow and bone #six of crows #grishaverse #kaz brekker #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #wesper #jesper x wylan #kanej #incorrect six of crows #six of crows incorrect quotes #kaz brekker x inej ghafa #crooked kingdom #inej ghafa #gunpowder

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jahayla-parker · 1 year ago

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Stuck : Kaz Brekker x Reader

Description: 3.3k wc, y/n plans to stick it out with Kaz no matter how many times or how hard he tries to push her away. Hurt-comfort, slight angst-fluff, fluff

Warnings: typical SoC topics and warnings, including but not limited to; thievery, risk/danger, potential attack, touch-phobias, trauma, drinking, etc.

Y/n yawned and stretched her legs underneath the bar countertop. She rested her head on her palm with her elbow propped up on the counter. She desperately needed some sleep. The Crows’ latest heist didn’t go well; they hadn’t been able to get their hands on the item they were trying to steal. In addition, they’d also almost been captured after being discovered. As such, it has been a long night already. Not to mention, Kaz had been in a foul mood ever since.

Jesper ordered another drink from the bartender as he drunkenly placed his arm around y/n’s hunched shoulders. “I don’t get it,” he muttered, lazily shaking his head at her.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that, Jes?” Y/n questioned with slight amusement. Drunken Jesper always had thoughts that he just had to get off his chest. Usually they were incoherent, illogical, or simply hilarious. Despite her exhaustion, Y/n was therefore curious as to what the sharpshooter was going to say tonight.

“Why you put up with the Basssstard,” Jesper slurred.

Y/n squinted at Jesper in confusion. Sure, her boyfriend Kaz could be difficult at times, but that was true about everybody. She also didn’t understand why Jesper was bringing that up currently. It wasn’t Kaz’s fault the heist went sideways. So why was he commenting on Kaz?

Nina laughed affectionately. She was seated on y/n’s other side. She had noticed the confused expression on her friend’s face and decided to explain the reason behind Jesper’s drunk questioning. “You’ve been looking over at him to check on him since we got back,” Nina teased as she playfully rolled her eyes. “Even as you’re about to pass out on the bar top”.

Y/n’s eyes flickered down to the counter bashfully. “Oh,” she whispered shyly. She hadn’t realized she was doing that. Much less that she was doing it to the extent others noticed.

“Soooooo,” Jesper butted in, tugging y/n by her shoulder to his side.

Y/n bit her lip and shook her head at Jesper softly. “I'm with him. For better or for worse,” she declared tenderly. Her eyes floated over to Kaz after her whispered comment. She sighed as she watched him leave the club, anger still radiating off of him.

"It'll probably be worse,” Nina replied, earning a head nod from Jesper in agreement.

Y/n shrugged as she pushed herself up from the counter. She slipped out from under Jesper’s embrace. "I knew that the day I met him,” y/n shrugged. She knew Kaz had his struggles and that being with him wouldn’t be nearly as easy as a relationship with anyone else would be; but she didn’t care. Her heart belonged to The Bastard of the Barrel. And she wouldn’t change that for anything.

Y/n stifled another yawn as she slowly made her way out of The Crow Club and to The Slat. Though she wasn’t traveling far, she knew showing any kind of weakness, even so much as a yawn, could make her a target. It would show her tiredness which someone might mistake as a vulnerability that would make her easy prey. As such, when she felt the presence of someone near by, she halted in the middle of the dark street. She turned sharply on her heels to face the direction she’d sensed someone. As y/n’s eyes located The Wraith a few feet back, she sighed in relief. A kind smile formed on her lips as she took a few steps back towards The Crow Club in order to greet her friend.

Inej had been on the hunt for intel per Kaz’s request order after their unsuccessful heist. As such, she and y/n hadn’t seen each other since before things had gone wrong. Inej ignored the slight frustration at how Y/n had once again been able to detect her presence. She and Kaz were the only two who could somehow do that, and neither one would tell Inej how. Regardless of the slight irritation she felt, Inej was overwhelmingly pleased to see her friend.

Inej and Y/n shared a short embrace as they stepped to the side of the street so there weren’t stopped in the middle. “Headed home?” Inej asked, nodding towards The Slat.

Y/n nodded and placed a hand over her mouth, turning her head towards the brick wall beside her as she fought off another yawn. “How was intel?” She whispered as she turned back to Inej. Y/n chose to ignore the way Inej’s amused expression told her that Inej had caught onto her yawning.

“It was just a fluke,” Inej simplified.

Y/n sighed. “Lovely,” she responded sarcastically.

Inej nodded, “yeah, Kaz wasn’t pleased to hear that discovery.”

Y/n hummed quietly. “Understandable,” she whispered. She knew Kaz was already blaming himself for not seeing the chaos of tonight coming. Now that he’d been told there was no way to see it coming, one would think he’d relax some. But, y/n knew better. She knew it was only going to make Kaz more frustrated as he felt there was always a way to be prepared for things like this but hadn’t determined where the oversight was for tonight.

Inej nodded her head towards The Slat again in question. “Ready?”

“You headed there too?” Y/n asked.

“Yeah,” Inej smiled softly. “I just finished checking on the others, so now I can go rest”.

Y/n smiled and nodded. “And, by checked on.., you mean stared at them from out of sight as they encouraged Jesper to keep up his drunken antics?” She teased.

Inej laughed loudly, quickly covering her mouth with her hand as her laughter echoed in the street. She bashfully nodded with a casual shrug.

Y/n smiled at the Wraith’s admission. But, the grin left her face as she recalled Jesper’s insulting question his drunken episode had caused him to ask.

“What’d he do tonight?” Inej asked. It wasn’t hard for her to catch onto the shift in y/n’s emotions; she knew her friend too well by now.

Y/n sighed and shook her head. She silently resumed walking to The Slat. She wasn’t intending to complain about Jesper, it just frustrated her to think of his insinuations behind the question.

“You know I can find out for myself,” Inej smirked. She softly nudged Y/n as they walked away from The Crow Club.

Y/n chuckled lightly at Inej’s soft threat. She hummed as she nodded her head in acceptance. She sighed softly. “He was just annoyed with Kaz again,” she said vaguely.

Inej hummed. “And said something insulting, or something you found to be insulting at least?” She guessed

Y/n sighed and nodded.

Inej let y/n remain silent as to not push if she was not wanting to talk about it any more. After a few moments, she elected to offer a general statement of support. “You know, they’re like brothers, he likely didn’t mean whatever he said”.

Y/n shook her head. “He didn’t say anything,” she explained. “He was questioning me.”

“You?” Inej gasped lightly. “Over what?“ she asked protectively. As the girls stepped into The Slat, the Dregs paused and looked their way. Once the Dregs realized it was just them and not anyone from a rival gang, they resumed their conversations and rambunctious behaviors.

Y/n gazed up the stairs as a way of signaling towards Kaz’s room and office. She looked back at Inej to see if she’d caught on.

Inej sighed sympathetically and nodded. “He wonders why you chose him,” she interpreted vaguely so if any Dregs were listening they wouldn’t understand who the girls were talking about.

Y/n groaned and nodded as they reached the stairwell. “It’s not even his business,” she complained as she started up the stairs. She shook her head at her own attitude. “But, like.., it’s not even a choice, you know?” Y/n asked rhetorically as Inej followed one step behind her. “And even if it were, I’d still choose him.” She puffed her cheeks in exasperation. “I don’t know why that’s so hard to comprehend!”

“To be fair, Y/n,” Inej paused. She rested her hand on her friend’s arm. “He’s different with you.”

Y/n shook her head. She’d seen Kaz interact with the others for years before they even started dating. What was Inej talking about? She rolled her eyes and kept going up the stairs. She truly was in need of some sleep and everyone else clearly was as well as they were all talking nonsense. Kaz was rough on the outside, sure. But, he cared about all of his Crows and even his Dregs; more than they’d ever see.

“Y/n,” Inej sighed. She moved up a few steps and grabbed y/n’s hand to stop her. “We’ve both known him a long time,” she acknowledged. “You know him better, but I saw him before you came along,” Inej pointed out tenderly.

Y/n squinted in confusion. Where was this going?

Inej pulled y/n to the side, closer to her so she didn’t have to speak loudly. “When I first met Kaz…” she sighed and shook her head. She took a deep breath as she started again. “Since I met him, he carries more anger and pain than a thousand armies could ever bear. He was betrayed, deceived, hurt.” Inej sighed. “And while we all have been,” she acknowledged. “Believe me when I say he has already crossed Hell.” Inej saw the frustration and protectiveness bubbling up in Y/n. So, she continued. “And, the only time I saw peace in his eves was when he saw you,” Inej concluded.

Y/n faltered. Her mouth was slightly parted as she processed the statement. She knew she was something special to Kaz. But his source of peace? That seemed far fetched. Y/n wanted nothing more than to believe Inej. After all, that’s all she wanted for Kaz; for him to be happy and have some semblance of peace after all he’d gone through and done for others (even if he wouldn’t admit those things was done for that reason).

Inej smiled widely and tsked jokingly. “I don’t know how you don’t see it,” she teased her friend, “but it’s true.” “Regardless of whether we understand your reasoning for being with him, it’s clear that it’s good for him.” She rubbed y/n’s arm sweetly. “The only thing that matters is if it’s good for you too.” Inej already knew it was, but she wanted y/n to think it over.

“It is,” Y/n whispered. It was a hushed response as she was still in shock.

Inej nodded and smiled before marching up to where her room was.

Y/n smiled to herself as she followed Inej the rest of the way up in silence. In a slight daze, she went to her own room and changed into an undershirt and sweatpants instead of her standard tighter clothing she had on. She then smiled at herself in the dirty mirror briefly as Inej’s words of how Y/n benefited Kaz echoed in her mind.

Y/n paused briefly outside of Kaz’s door as she tried to compose her excitement over Inej’s statement. She knew Kaz was likely experiencing the opposite emotions after what had happened tonight. She smiled once more and licked her lips as she put on a stoic look before opening the door.

Kaz’s eyes shot up at Y/n as she entered his room. He watched her silently as she gave him a soft expression in greeting as she walked to the foot of his bed. His heart beat loudly as she casually picked up the stuffed crow Kaz had gotten her a few months ago.

Kaz remembered seeing the stuffed plush animal at the market a few weeks before he’d bought it. Y/n had pointed out how cute it was and joked about it possibly being a mini-Kaz if she got it and made it a small top hat. A few months ago, he sought it out when she was having nightmares and brought it up to his room. It was meant to help her have something to hold since Kaz himself couldn’t offer much solace in that that area. While he knew she cherished the tiny stuffed crow, the sight of it tonight made him angry.

Kaz had overheard Inej and Y/n talking as they made their way up the creaky wooden stairs of The Slat. He knew it was wrong, but that didn’t stop him from focusing in on their conversation as he drowned out the noises of the Dreg’s downstairs. In his defense, he wasn’t expecting to hear what he did. The heist tonight had gone wrong, and his girl and the rest of his Crows had almost been captured as a result. He had to know what Y/n and Inej were saying about it. He suspected he’d hear something he could use to confirm his own self-blame. He hadn’t been expecting to hear Y/n sound upset as she mentioned something about Jesper taking a shot at Kaz. But, it wasn’t too surprising as Kaz knew how undeservingly protective she was over him. What did surprise Dirtyhands, was hearing Inej’s statement of Y/n being his peace and how positive of an influence Y/n was on Kaz/ in his life. Kaz didn’t disagree. But, he hadn’t been ready to disclose such a vulnerability to anyone yet; not even to Y/n herself. Yet, evidently Inej noticed and took it upon herself to do so.

Kaz wasn’t angry that Inej said what she did. While at first, he thought he was, if he was honest with himself that anger was misplaced. He was actually mad at himself. He should’ve been the one to tell Y/n such sentiments. She deserved to hear it from him. Yet, even though she’d already heard it, Kaz knew he still wouldn’t be able to bring himself to say it out loud outright to her even now. He just wasn’t there yet.

The stuffed crow Y/n was presently snuggling as she sat crisscrossed on his bed was another sign of how far Kaz still had to go. Of how little positivity he could bring to y/n’s life. It wasn’t fair. He was taking and not giving. And even when he gave, he couldn’t give the way she deserved. He knew how she felt about him. But right now, that just made him feel like she was stuck with him. That she had to put up with his failures because of her feelings towards him.

“Kaz,” y/n mumured softly as she suppressed a gasp. She’d been watching him silently as he stared blankly at her, clearly deep in thought. However, the single tear that escaped his right eye and rolled down his cheek broke her silence.

Y/n’s voice pulled Kaz from his thoughts. He felt the dampness on his cheek and grimaced. He aggressively wiped his eye before looking down at his desk. “I need to work on the next heist,” Kaz stated firmly.

Y/n wanted to talk to Kaz about what was happening. She wanted to know what has caused him to tear up. But, she knew he already was on the defensive and trying to push him to talk wouldn’t get anywhere. “Okay,” y/n accepted, her tone light and casual.

Kaz gripped his pen tightly. “Alone,” he grumbled.

Y/n silently raised her eyebrows as she stared at him. Usually whenever he’d react in a way that was him trying to push her away, a simple look would get him to stop and adjust his behavior.

“Y/n,” Kaz groaned, looking over at her with a sharp expression.

Y/n mentally sighed; it wasn’t working tonight. Yet, despite the sharp expression Kaz donned, she could see the emotions swirling in his eyes. He wasn’t mad, he was deflecting and trying to put up a wall to keep his distance. “Yes?” Y/n questioned, her tone innocent.

Kaz sighed. He looked away, unable to say what he needed to say while looking at y/N’s face. “Go away”.

“No,” y/n replied casually. Her fingers stroked the fuzz on the stuffed animal crow in her hands as she watched Kaz.

“Y/n,” Kaz groaned, looking up from his desk again. “That was an order,” he said, less resistant this time given her unexpected response.

Y/n nodded in acknowledgment. “One which I’m going to ignore.”

“Excuse me?” Kaz squinted narrowly. He loudly set his pen down as he stared at y/n.

Y/n propped the stuffed crow up against the wall beside Kaz’s bed. “Kaz, you can try and push me away all you want, but I’m not going anywhere,” she stated as she turned her gaze back to him. “You’re only doing this because you let yourself be slightly vulnerable just now.”

When Kaz said nothing in response, y/n sighed. “I don’t know the details of why…,” she admitted. “But, there’s nothing wrong with things impacting you, Kaz.”

“I’m fine,” Kaz argued defensively.

Y/n huffed. “You’re keeping something from me,” she rebutted.

“Let it go y/l/n,” Kaz ordered.

Y/n hummed and stood up. She walked slowly over to Kaz’s desk. She set her hands down on the opposite edge of his desk as she stared down at him. “You realize there is nothing in this world that you can tell me, that'll ever make me hate, fear, or leave you,” y/n promised.

Kaz shook his head, his jaw tight.

Y/n sensed Kaz was about to argue, so she shrugged. “Sorry if it pisses you off Brekker,” she mused. “But, you're stuck with me, I’m afraid,” Y/n explained. “It's part of the whole friendship and relationship thing. Whatever you go, I go. So even if you try to push me away, I’m still going to be here."

Kaz groaned and rubbed his gloved hands over his face. “I'm not a good guy.” He sighed, lowering his hands back down to the table. “l'm not saying I don't want...this... us,” Kaz rambled vaguely. “And, no matter how defeated and unworthy I am, l'lI keep trying to get to the point I need to be at, to be the one who deserves you,” he vowed quietly. “But, l'm not there yet.”

“I never asked you to do that,” y/n pointed out, leaning forward on Kaz’s desk. “But, regardless, l'm staying with you throughout that. Even if you’re stuck in the mindset that you need to change, as incorrect and biased as that mindset is, I’m going to be there. You don’t need to push me away while you try to work on yourself.”

“I don't now that I'll ever be able to be perfect,” Kaz confessed. “But I’m willing to-,” he began.

“Perfect's never been my type,” y/n hummed, “I prefer morally gray”. She smirked at Kaz’s uncharacteristic blush. “Unless we’re talking looks, then yes, perfect is my type,” y/n flirted with a wink.

Kaz’s flushed cheeks darkened as his eyes widened slightly.

“Which, by the way,” y/n spoke softly. She wanted Kaz to understand that she was serious. “You've already met that detail,” y/n smirked.

“Zenik would disagree given my haircut,” Kaz joked. His knew his cheeks were still crimson, so he stared bashfully at the papers on his desk.

Y/n rolled her eyes. She knew Nina meant it as a playful insult. But, y/n also knew that Kaz’s trauma and correlated haphephobia were the reason for his haircut. He’d not been able to handle the sensation of someone cutting his hair so he’d do it on his own. “I think it looks great,” y/n reassured him, smiling even Kaz looked up from his desk. “But, if it bothers you, I could always don a pair of gloves and try to help,” She proposed. “If you'd like to try that sometime,” y/n added softly to reinforce it wasn’t something she felt she needed to do and that it was only offered for his own benefit.

“You'd do that?” Kaz questioned. His voice carried its usual gravelly nature but was otherwise light.

Y/n grinned as she sat down in the chair across from Kaz. She nodded. “I told you, you're stuck with me Brekker”.

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