#just watched a little video on bad decisions that actually turn out well

[invinciblerodent]

From now on, I'm just going to assume that anyone who calls Gale any variation of "pompous", "arrogant", "annoying", "a jerk", or anything to that effect, and talks at length about how they hate him and/or have killed him, is just bellyaching and being a baby over them not understanding his speech. That's right, at this point I'm ascribing a literal skill issue to being wrong about a fictional character.

Aww, poor baby, did the Mean Wizard hurt your tiny, smooth widdle brain by saying "adroit"? Did his correct use of "foeti", the latinate plural of "foetus", frighten you? Aww, I'm so sowwy. That must be so tough for you, being so scared of fun words and the general concept of whimsy. I can't hear you over myself tongue-kissing the pretty man with the calf-eyes and the slutty waist.

[theyhavetakenovermylife]

USA vs Europe Fans (Cracky)

Bayverse!Turtles x European!reader

A/N: Based on banter I have with my American friends, hehehehehe. Fun fact, my city’s club is actually in the video provided. Enjoy hehehe💚

Warnings: Football.

“Hell no!”, Raph said, dropping down next to you and the others in the main living area of the lair. “You, our little Euro -”, Raph continued, poking your shoulder as he did. “- seriously expect us to believe that Europe has better sports fans than the US? I think not!”

“Why is that so hard to believe?”, you asked, crossing your arms, narrowing your eyes at the turtle in red.

“Because the US is so patriotic, and Europe is just so, Europe-ie”, Raph said. “We invest more in our sports, okay”.

“And what makes you think that?”, you asked, feeling your blood slowly begin to boil. How dare he.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N)”, Leo said. “It’s not to insult or insinuate anything about your home country or the whole of Europe, but the US does have a thing for their sports”.

“And you seriously don’t think that Europe has a thing for sports either?”, you asked, fighting the urge to snap at him.

“Well”, Mikey chimped in. “We do have the Super Bowl”.

“So?”, you asked, cocking an eyebrow. “Eurovision has more viewers than the Super Bowl”.

“Hey!”, Raph said, almost sounding insulted. “Don’t lie like that!”

“She’s not lying”, Donnie said, looking up from his laptop, where he had just pulled Google up. “The Super Bowl 2024 had 123.7 million viewers, while the Eurovision Song Contest that same year had 163 million viewers”.

“What?!”, Mikey yelled out, running to see Donnie’s screen. “People actually watch that shit?”

“Watch it!”, you called out, pointing at the orange turtle. “That competition had made music that even you guys listen to!”

“Okay, but the US has better sports chants”, Raph said, allowing Mikey to retreat back to his seat.

“High doubt that”, you said. “Nothing beats a good UK chant. If I remember correctly, England played a friendly against the US, where the US fans started chanting “I believe that we will win”, to which the English chanted “what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking hell was that?”, until the US decided to stop and not chant the rest of the game”.

“Yeah, “I believe that we will win” is an awful chant”, Leo said, scratching the back of neck.

“Doesn’t matter”, Raph said. “We’re talking about real sports here! Not soccer”.

A loud gasp came from the other’s watching in horror and fear at the scene in front of them. Even Raph seemed to realize his mistake. Never had he called football soccer while you were around. Not once. Well, until today. And already now, he realized how bad of a decision that was, when you suddenly jumped up from your seat, beat red in the face, turning toward Donnie fire in your eyes.

“Donnie! Computer, television, now!”

Without missing a beat, Donnie was quick to connect the computer to the television, before allowing you to type in whatever you were looking for. You wasted no time pulling up a YouTube video titled something along lines of “Football fans and atmospheres. 100.000 Americans vs. 1.000 Europeans”, with a picture of an American football field as one of the first.

“I have a feeling we’re screwed”, Mikey said, bracing himself as you hit play.

(Watch until 01:29)

“What’s wrong with that?”, Raph asked, as you were halfway through the part about the American fans. “People are chanting and having a good time. That’s what sports enjoyment is all about!”

“They are just as dreadful and enthusiastic to look at as an alcoholic drinking water”, you said, clearly still raging, causing Donnie to almost choke on a laugh.

“Excuse me?”, Leo asked, clearly taken aback by your statement. There was no denying that you had some more colorful expressions than what the turtles were used to, but this was a new one.

(Watch until 02:18)

“I’ve heard people cheer louder at the opposing team”, you said, crossing your arms.

“But look, we have cheerleaders”, Mikey said, wiggling his brow muscles. “I’m pretty sure Europe doesn’t have those”.

“We do but we don’t need them”, you retorted. “Cheerleaders are for people that need something other than a game to cheer for”.

“Well, ouch”, Mikey said, shaking his hand as if it had been burned, all while Donnie tried to hide his face in a pillow, hoping he was able to hide his laughter.

(Watch until 03:12)

“Finally”, you said, as the word EUROPA came up on the screen. “Some good stuff”.

“I still don’t see how Europe can beat that”, Raph said. “US has bands, cheerleaders, chants, I mean, how can you top - why are they in a tunnel?”

“Just keep watching”, you said with a small smile, just as the volume warning flashed across the screen, along with police guards along one tunnel wall and the distant sound of chanting.

“Oh, we’re definitely screwed”, Mikey whimpered, just as the words “Actual player entrance tunnel” came up along with more police and loud sounds of explosion like bangs.

(Watch until 05:08)

“Are those flares?”, Leo asked. “Is that even safe?”

“Don’t mind the flares! Look at them jumping!”, Mikey exclaimed.

You turned to Raph with a smug smile, seeing how he was staring at the screen with his mouth open. “Not a real sport huh?”

(Watch until 10:00)

“They look like they’re going to war!”, Mikey exclaimed.

“Well, if it’s a derby, you can very much expect it to turn into a war”, you shrugged.

“Has anybody ever gotten injured?”, Donnie asked.

“Probably”, you answered with another shrug.

(Finish video)

“And that is the kind of sports fans and atmosphere I’m used to”, you said, leaning back with a smug smile.

“I’m going to bed”, Raph said, getting up from the couch, and heading towards his room.

“But it’s the middle of the day!”, Leo called out after him.

“Don’t care! I’m tired”, the red clad turtle said, before disappearing into his room.

“Let him sleep!”, Mikey said, turning his attention towards Donnie and his computer. “I want to watch more European football!”

[ishaslife]

Astarion has been breaking my poor heart.

This post will contain spoilers for the game and Astarion's romance/backstory. Before anyone comes at me, I want to say that you are the main character, you are supposed to change the fates and behaviours of your characters, especially if you are romancing them. It's a video game, that's kind of the point.

This post is extremely long and I apologise.

This analysis is based off my playthrough.

(*) means check notes at the bottom of the post.

I wasn't expecting to like him as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, I really liked him during EA and I thought he was funny, charming, flirty with a dark past and all that was just a means to cover his trauma but since the full game has come out and we've gotten to know more of him, it truly breaks my heart to see and know what he has been through. My sister and I were watching his reactions to be being rejected, being told that Tav only wants sex and forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do, it is truly heart-wrenching.

Many people expected Astarion to be this "I am so sexual and my romance will mostly be sex, also I will betray you the first chance I get." and it couldn't be further from the truth. Astarion is extremely loyal, and yes he has that air of flambouncy to him, will often make japes and say evil things but most of the time, it is just a facade. It's his shield in a way, he has been treated with utter cruelty for two hundred years of his life and now that he finally has some control over himself, he doesn't wish to be hurt again.

I don't think Astarion is ever completely evil, even in the beginning. He just wants to have fun and enjoy life after so many years of slavery. He likes it when you are snarky, say mean shit to people for fun but, he doesn't like to see innocents get hurt, and he doesn't support fighting for people who don't fight for themselves. Yes, he will support some of your evil decisions but they will lead to a bad ending, for you and your characters. It'll make Astarion wallow more in his greed and he'll lose the little humanity he has left. He doesn't really have a clear sense of direction in the beginning of the game as he's just found freedom and obviously wants to live life to the fullest, being evil comes naturally to him, it's instinct as its what he's been doing for two centuries.

This is my assumption since we don't know his actual age but since he's an elf who was well-respected in society, had a pretty prestigious job and was rich enough to be corrupt. I'd assume he was at least 70-100 years old before he was turned into a spawn. (EDIT - in a recent post by @deluxetrashqueen I saw the translation of the dates of birth and death on his tombstone:

"Astarion Ancunin

229-268 DR" to which he adds, "458DR - "

which shows that he was only 39 at the time of his death, which explains his emotional immaturity for an elf.) My point being, I believe he has been a spawn for longer than he's ever been a regular person. He has spent the longer part of his life doing evil things for an evil man, that was what his life was on a daily basis with Cazador. And his former work experience probably helped, he likely learnt pretty quick how much he took for granted as a living person and the harshness of his master, peers and people he seduced made him harsh and unforgiving in return.

Once you start getting close to him, you start to learn that he is only mean to people because of how life has treated him. In his romance, he says "no one ever looked out for me, no one ever said a kind word to me. You're the only one, no one is like that." Astarion starts to see, because of you that there is kindness in the world, and he finds kindness in you. Especially after his quest, as much as he'd hate to admit it, he also sees friends in your other companions as they do in him. By the end of Act 2, he starts to get more soft towards you and the decisions you make, often even disapproving of evil decisions. People often tend to forget that a lot of Astarion's evil personality is a front, it is not who he truly is.

These points will be better explained individually so I will talk about some themes.

Power: power plays a big part in his entire storyline. In the beginning, he wants to harness the powers of the tadpole to become powerful and at first, you think that it's simply because he's an evil character and he wants power for the sake of having it. Then later, he wishes to take over the power of the ascendant but mostly only to spite Cazador and take something important from him, not fully realising the true power of the rite.

As he slowly starts opening up to you, he tells you "the mind flayers tore me from that place" and you realise that its the tadpole that let's him walk in the sun, do things a vampire or spawn would never be able to, you learn that he hates being a vampire because he can't even remember what he looks like. He seeks power outside because he has had no power over himself for about two centuries, he thinks that having this power will fulfill his needs but it won't, we know it won't because in truth he only needs to reclaim his autonomy, physical and mental. Of course Astarion would never truly admit to this for a long while, even when he's romanced. I personally really love his good romance arc where he doesn't have sex with you, not because he dislikes you or doesn't want you but because, as he says "any kind of intimacy was something I performed to lure people back for him. While I know things between us are different... being with someone still feels tainted. It brings up all those feelings of disgust and loathing." He has spent 200 years or so bowing to Cazador's whims, done things to people he didn't want to do and I assume since it's heavily hinted at, were very sexual in nature. In a relationship, he simply wants to be seen as a person and I think that's really sad because that's how low the bar is for him.

In the ending of his quest, you can persuade him and tell him that going forth with the ritual won't set him free even if he thinks it will and I agree. If he's a slave to Cazador now, later he'd be a slave to power and greed. Just look at Cazador, despite being one of the most powerful beings in existence, he still wanted more power. That kind of greed and hunger never ends and Astarion would lose himself and who he has become while he was with us. Yes, it makes him walk in the sun again and do things a regular vampire can't but at what cost? 7,000 lives and his humanity. He would never be able to enjoy this "freedom" because he'll only strive to seek more power. In his ascendant ending, he becomes everything he's ever hated about Cazador, the cycle repeats itself, from Vellioth to Cazador and from Cazador to Astarion. And it will never end. Astarion even refuses to turn you into a vampire and wishes to keep you only as a spawn. With an insight check, you can learn that he thinks you're degrading yourself and he doesn't care. He now sees you as something to own, something to possess, not love. All his good qualities, wants and needs get twisted. Astarion truly only needs to feel like a person again but he doesn't fully realise this until you show it to him, through good deeds and actions, through simple acts of kindness. As he says in his "good" ending "I've been dead in the ground enough. It's time to try living again. With all that life has to offer."

Safety: Astarion wants to feel safe. He is so scared of being found by Cazador, he knows he's looking for him and the only thing giving him some form of safety from Cazador is the tadpole so of course he wants to harness its powers that is until he finds out it'll turn him into another kind of monster, a mind flayer. He doesn't wish to lose himself and his freedom again hence is vehemently against taking on the tadpole's powers but he doesn't stop you because that is of course, your decision to make. He says "if such power would please you, darling, I won't stop you. But do be careful, I want you to remain you." Now the only thing left that can properly give him his freedom is Cazador's death and he wants to kill him himself which I think is perfectly acceptable, Cazador deserves to die and if it is by Astarion's hands, all the better. But, in his romance, he makes it clear that he's doing it for safety, and he tells himself that he wants to take the power of the rite for safety as well because in truth, he is terrified of being powerless again. He does want revenge yes, but he also wants to keep you and himself safe from Cazador, even in the dungeon, if you run an insight check, the narrator tells you that he is losing his mind because of the power that's on offer and the smell of blood in the air. It's almost as if to say "he's losing his mind, please stop him before he forgets who he is." Astarion NEEDS your guidance*, eventually he even thanks you for 'saving him from himself.' In his good ending, he sees that in taking the power, he would be no better than Cazador and would become everything he's ever hated about him, and inflict on others what his former master inflicted on him, starting with you. His ascendant ending is honestly a very sad ending for his character, all that growth, change and development you bring to him throughout your journey just gone down the drain as he becomes an unfeeling, evil, narcissistic arsehole who only craves for more power. In his good ending, he will be safe, with you and with the friends he has made along the way. He is proud of himself and so is everyone else, it offers him a kind of friendship that's afforded to very few in the D&D world, especially a vampire/spawn whose very existence is hated. It is a bond based on trust, loyalty and to a degree, even love instead of fear like in the ascendant ending.

Abandonment and Fear: Astarion is driven by fear but he also knows facing Cazador is inevitable and something he needs to face rather than avoid. Even if he isn't outright seeking it (but he does seek it) I think he is braver than he likes to think and he definitely has some anti-hero traits. He likes the tadpole because it helped him get away from Cazador's authority and he enjoys bending others to his will since it makes him feel more powerful compared to how he's felt the past two centuries. But if you choose to not do the same, he doesn't really care. He doesn't except it of you nor is he disappointed (since he neither approves or disapproves. He only disapproves helping people who didn't ask or didn't want to be helped) he only gives a snarky comment or two about what he would've done instead and follows you anyway. He realises you're a good person. If you indulge too much however, I would argue that he agrees simply because he doesn't want you to turn against him. Perhaps he believes that you can turn on him and kill him as easily as you killed the tieflings or other innocents. He probably thinks it's easier to turn a good person evil than an evil person, good (tbh he wouldn't be entirely wrong.) And making bad choices does negatively affect his character of course but I just thought I'd put that out there as I think it's very likely for him to do so. He is definitely extremely paranoid, he hardly ever says how he truly feels out loud but when you break up with him (it's so heartbreaking omg) he says "I was beginning to think someone truly wanted me. I shouldn't have deluded myself." and "From the start, I was rather counting the hours until it was going to end. Midnight chimes, eh?" As heartbreaking as it is, the latter line shows how terrified he was of being abandoned or only be used for his body, he kept obessesively worrying that Tav would leave him after he bore his heart out to them. There's another bit of dialogue in Act 1 where he is trying his lines with you to get you to sleep with him a second time and you can say no which he is fine with but if you outright reject him there, meaning "I never want to see you like that again" he gets extremely sad: "Well, excuse me while I die of a broken heart. [slight chuckle] In all honesty, it's a shame. That time was special to me. I've gotten on my back 10,000 times or more and forgotten half of them. But you, I'll remember. [long pause] Have a fine evening... dear." Mind you, this is after you've only slept with him once. His dialogue makes it seem like he was already catching feelings for you, and not realising that himself until this happens. Seeing this made me realise that you're the first person he's slept with of his own volition, even if it was to seduce you. For the longest time, I think Astarion doesn't even want to believe you'll like him as something more than someone to sleep with, he hopes you might as his rejection line says so but astarion is nothing if not careful and well, paranoid.

That's why he's so shocked when you choose to not let him bite Araj at Moonrise even if it gave you something powerful in return. He sees that you chose his comfort over a genuinely useful commodity. Biting people or using his vampire, well, anything makes him extremely uncomfortable since it reminds him of things he needed to do for Cazador. If he bites her, it makes him feel like being a slave again, but bending to your will and wishes instead of his former master's. He realises he doesn't know how to say no. Which is another thing he says if you wish to pursue only a sexual relationship with him. He feels played.

Freedom: this is probably the main theme to his character arc. He wants to be free, not only from his master but also free to make right decisions and make decisions for himself, something he hasn't been able to do for years. This is why respecting his decision to not sleep with you is important to him, he doesn't feel comfortable being physically close to someone in a sexual way as it makes him doubt the person's true intentions and feelings and of course, makes him feel loathsome and disgusted with himself. He needs that time where you just connect as people to really see that you are in fact genuine and he wouldn't be hurt if he trusted you or gave you his heart. Towards the end of the game, he is still quite ruthless, but mostly only towards people who do wrong and are criminals. Astarion has a very strong set of ideals, he believes that people who do wrong deserve to die no matter the crime. I don't think this is entirely true, every crime deserves a different punishment but most criminals, those who do severe wrong and still get away with it, do deserve to die but this is just my opinion of course. He is ruthless towards bad people because that's how people have been to him, at least Cazador and I wouldn't be surprised if he was treated badly during his sexual encounters with strangers while working for him.

Why I think the Ascendant ending is a tragic ending for Astarion's character and for you.

I won't lie, there are some aspects of ascended Astarion that are pretty hot and I'm a sucker for (pun absolutely intended) powerful, gothic vampires but this ending comes at the cost of way too much. One simply being: Astarion isn't Astarion anymore. All his snarkiness, playful nature and strange innocence is gone. In his ascendant ending, that is, when he takes the power of the Rite of Ascension for himself by carving the same rune on Cazador's back that's on his own, Astarion loses himself. In D&D lore, full vampires are unfeeling, ruthless and have all their good traits twisted into something more malignant and evil. If Astarion loved you, that love turns into possession, if he cared for you, it turns into obsession. He doesn't truly care anymore... as a vampire, he is manipulating you and telling you things you want to hear instead of what he's actually feeling. He never truly got that moment of catharsis by killing Cazador as he does in his spawn ending. That simple bliss of killing the man that enslaved him and worse all these years; he never gets to experience that because he ends up using Cazador for the same power Cazador killed Vellioth for in the past, albeit worse. It's a never-ending cycle. And if he turns you into his spawn, you will go through the same fate Astarion went through and probably turn on him the same way he turned on Cazador. He has absolutely no sympathy for you or for anyone that is not him, in fact he feels almost disgusted by you because he thinks you're degrading yourself in front of him. There is a conversation between him and if you refuse to become his spawn, and I think it sums up his character perfectly as a vampire, it goes like this:

(choosing different options will have different dialogues but they more or less lead to him saying the same thing.)

ASTARION: Just so you know, I have everything I've ever wanted. Everything lies ahead. I can see my path to a waking dream. From the Crimson Palace, I will govern day and night. Create a city of spawn who bow before me, cast a fog over the world for my children.

TAV: But the Palace halls will be lonely.

ASTARION: You'll be lonelier than I. Very soon I will discover how to call my legions of wolves, become a sea of mist, run wrongside-up on roofs. [laughs] Everything vampires do best.

You could have, too. [sniggers] What a waste.

TAV: You don't really have anything at all.

ASTARION: I can take anything I want. I should've made you a spawn just to teach you that.

And there we have it, that last bit of dialogue shows how Astarion is now everything he hated about his own master. He is Cazador's literal and spiritual successor, he thinks you need to be punished for rejecting him. He doesn't feel for you anymore, at least not in a human way. He has become someone else entirely, for the worst. His drive for taking the power of the rite was to be able to walk in the sun again but as a full vampire, he wants to "dominate it (the world) until the sun melts and give ourselves over to the night."

Astarion NEEDS change, he needs to see that the world can be a kinder place than the one he's lived in this whole time. Just a bit of care and love with him goes a long way. In his spawn ending, he comes to realise that you gave him his life back even if it was as a spawn because that is true freedom. He is free from his master, and greed & power which was in the disguise of safety. He may never be able to walk in the sun, but he is free to make his own decisions that are driven by his choices. One of them being; wanting and loving you, living a full life with you, whatever that may entail.

If you went into the game thinking that Astarion will betray you no matter what then giving him the ascendant ending brings your fears to life. Astarion doesn't learn anything, by making him a full vampire, you basically tell him that he can only be powerful and worth something if he has super vampire powers, and in turn, you lose everything too. Astarion may have gained unparralled strength but now he has no need of you, you gave him everything he wanted and nothing he needed so now he can do whatever he wants with you because you are lesser than him, literally, he is much stronger than you are and his power will only grow as he discovers more of it. He tries to manipulate you into turning you into a spawn. A dialogue being:

TAV: After everything you went through with Cazador, you're going to make me a spawn?

ASTARION: Oh that was completely different, I'd never hurt you. I love you. That's what you've been waiting to hear, isn't it? That's what you want?

Which just shows you how he's only saying "I love you" because that's what you want to hear, so you agree to becoming his spawn. He doesn't mean it, it doesn't really have any feeling behind it whatsoever. And if he turns you into a spawn, you have basically lost everything. Because he is obsessive over you, he'll never let you go and since now he is properly evil, he likely won't turn you into a vampire either, even if he says he will.

This is just my take on the ending though, I think we can all agree the ascendant ending is the evil ending for his character, even if it is an ending you prefer. I'm not trying to hate on anyone who does like this ending, only stating that I think it is meant to be evil and I personally don't like it.

CONCLUSION

Once you get to truly know Astarion, he's a pretty decent guy. I can't speak much for people who didn't romance him, I'm not entirely sure how his non-romance route plays out. The good conclusion of his quest is so wholesome, where he says he feels "truly, honestly free" and tells you "you saved me from myself. This is a gift, you know, thank you. I won't forget it." getting full circle to the first time you let him bite you (the only time in my case.) It shows so much character development and pure joy in the way he thanks you (it doesn't need to be said but props to Neil Newbon for bringing the character to life.) He will always be a spawn and yet, he feels like "anything and everything is possible" because of you and the choices you made with him, you believed in him when he didn't believe in himself, you showed him that he is enough just the way he is and he doesn't need to become a full vampire to be strong and powerful. Astarion comes out of his finale, a much more positive person, who actually cares even if he won't show it and the best part is, he always keeps that tiny streak of evil and mischief within him. He hasn't lost sight of himself, he's just less spiteful now and feels free to actually enjoy life rather than constantly being scared of what might happen to him. He finds trust and happiness in you and it makes him happy that you find the same within him. You are his home and he hopes he is yours.

I understand that my analysis may not be perfect and my interpretation of the character may be different from someone else's but that's fine, he is a video game character that can be played so many ways and people can go around it however they like, interpret his character however they wish. This is just what I think.

NOTES

'Astarion needs your guidance.' - no, this is not gaslight-y. Astarion is a deeply troubled character and clearly finds it hard to differentiate between right and wrong. He often asks for your input and what you think by Act 2 which isn't a bad thing, he's asking for help and I think that shows how far he's come. In the final scene of his quest, he is overcome by the promise of power and the safety it would've provided which would've consumed him as it did Cazador, Astarion admits to this himself too later on once he can think clearly and is in a more positive mindset. There is nothing wrong with guiding your partner towards something that will eventually be better for their growth as a person in the long run.

[crimsonender]

Why do you care so much about Lily Orchard

Actually getting this a little backwards. I took notice of Lily Orchard as an individual earlier this year, back in January to March, when she was listed amongst a series of trans creators that are unfairly scrutinized. As she was the only one who had a Tumblr at the time I began following her because I wanted to basically spite transphobes. I've come under fire myself for being trans in the past.

What I discovered in the months I followed her is that she had awful takes and was really dismissive and sometimes outright mean to her fans. I went to a live stream or two, and I watched a couple videos. I soon became critical of her, and decided to do some research. This lead me to Hiding in Private and Sai Scribbles. At the time, I was focused on Lily being a bad YouTuber, both in terms of content and how she treated her fans.

I knew that no one else was going to cover her video on the Coffin of Andy and Leyley because most people dismiss this gothic horror game as problematic and incestuous. As a fan of the genre and the game itself I decided to cover the video. Then as a spur of the moment decision at the end of that stream I decided to cover her latest Kingdom Hearts video as well. This would turn into a an edited video later on where I was very insistant on not focusing on Lily's actions and the allegations. I was mostly concerned with her rhetoric and behaviour as a YouTuber, because I had been wanting to talk about media analysis for a long time. As you can see from my coverage on MatPat, Anita Sarkiseen, Anthony Gramgulia, and iDubbbz. I think there is something fundamentaly flawed with the way the modern internet analyzes media. Each of these individuals has contributed negatively to this rhetoric in their own way, but where people like Anthony and iDubbbz and even Sarkiseen have tried to improve (and in Anthony's case a large reason for the majority of his writing that is worthy of criticism was how he was editorialized by the publications he worked for) Lily has always doubled down and gotten worse. Moreover my biggest issue with Lily right now is how she interacts with her fandom, which is unique to her. She has been publically very sexual towards them, she encourages anti-intellectualism, has a history of abuse, so yeah that definitely is a factor. My last two videos were less about her media analysis and more about how she interacts with her audience and the world around her. I think people like Lily are dangerous.

I don't hate everyone I cover. I'm friends with Anthony and I like his videos and style of writing. He's not perfect but he's also very open to criticism. iDubbbz I'm not a big fan of but for the most part I'm fairly indifferent to. MatPat's videos while I'm highly critical of them, are somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me and I've been watching him since he released his first Starfox video. Sarkiseen I am more critical of but acknowledge she was one of the first people to make videos about feminism in modern media on the scale she was doing it. I wouldn't say anything these people are doing is dangerous.

If Lily was just some woman on the internet with a bad opinion then I probably wouldn't care. It's Lily's control over such a large number of people that worries me. Dismantling her rhetoric is how we show the people she has control over a way out. It's how we teach people that have been trained to turn their brain off that they should think for themselves. Videos like Joon the King's covering her allegations are important don't get me wrong, but unless we teach people to think for themselves, they're just going to fall for the next grifter to come along. The crux of the matter is that no one person should dictate what your opinion is based on how big of a fan you are of them. This problem is so much bigger than Lily. Lily just represents this issue to such a large degree.

[alicefromwhichplanet]

(For the kids)How do you feel being your parents’ child? What kind of person is your carrier/sire?

Skystrophe:

Oh, these questions are… unusual. (Look around anxiously) So am I allowed to say anything..? Will they watch this show…? Ok…

I wanna say that many bots say it’s lucky for me to have Optimus and Megatron as my parents… but the truth is, having them as parents really brings me a lot of pressure. It’s… not so easy to be the only child of two extraordinary people, and you know you’re not so extraordinary yourself. I mean, I am only “just ok” at many things they can easily do great. It’s just… I’m still trying to figure out.

My carrier is a very strong bot. By that, I mean he’s powerful, not only in battles and strategies, but in the will. I think there’s nothing in the world that can defeat him, or make him feel defeated. When he’s with us, he’s always happy, confident, full of energy. When sire feels unsure, he is there to boost his spirits. When I feel insecure, knowing that he is there for me, always makes me feel better.

My sire, on the other hand, is umm, stricter. I know he means well. He told me all about those stories of heroes and primes, and responsibility comes with strength. He’s a lovable bot, of course. And he’s gentle with me. It’s just, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way he talks. He makes me feel… nervous.

Jinglestorm:

Being my parents’ child, it’s a lot of fun! They both like to play, so I’ve got plenty of time playing with them. We go racing on the plains, have a picnic in the woods, or play chess and other board games at home. Oh! And they love video games too! We also play video games.

And my sire, he’s a wonderful bot. He’s fun, energetic. He talks a lot, which is sometimes a little bit annoying. Hmm. But he’s actually the decision maker in our house, kind of? Him and my carrier take turns being the brain. But because of my carrier’s “unstable” issue, sire did play the brain most of the time, though he sometimes came up with bad ideas and I had to stop him from dragging us all in.

My carrier is— very well known among us kids. The cool triple changer, the only one alive by now.* He is also not very stable, and we know that. Besides that, my carrier went through a lot in past wars. Sometimes he’s still haunted by his past ghosts. But he doesn’t need to worry, because I am always there for him.

*It’s my headcanon and part of the plots of Heroic Nonsense, where Blitzwing’s triple changer form came from a secret experiment project carried out by autobots. The project failed because most of the subjects suffered serious complications— they developed split personality disorders and became overly aggressive and easier to get killed in the battlefield. Blitzwing is the only survivor.

Clobber:

Hmm, I don’t know. I guess I’m lucky to be my parents’ child. I’m happy and comfortable living with them. My parents knew each other for very long before I was born. They have a tacit understanding that made everything simple. We three are quite alike as well.

My carrier is the brain of our family. It’s easy to tell. Sire even calls her “General” as a loving nickname. And also, she’s really my role model. Her talents go beyond military strategies. She has wisdom and courage to deal with a lot of trivial stuff as well. As for my sire, he’s more of a kind-hearted, good tempered bot. He cooks really well and takes all the gardening work. By that I mean, work like making a fishpond in our backyard. More delicate job like planting is done by me. I heard that they were notorious decepticon war machines in the past. I always imagine how badass they can be! But I don’t have the luck to witness that. All I got are two big bots fond of their own hobbies and get along well with the neighbors.

Just for the reminder:

Skystrophe— Megatron and Optimus’s son, Megatron is the carrier

Jinglestorm— Blitzwing and Bumblebee’s daughter, Blitzwing is the carrier

Clobber— Strika and Lugnut’s daughter, Strika is the carrier

More worldbuilding see my fanfic Old World, New World

[ganondoodle]

i am so extremely confused on how you can acknowledge belly dancing not needing to be sexual yet. still insist that nintendo is sexualizing young gerudo with the attire. the makeup, heels and how impractical it is to wear the shit they wear in the desert i understand. im not defending those design mistakes. but??? jfc.

oh. so, assuming you are the same anon as before, you WERE asking in bad faith then, or are intentionally missunderstanding what im saying, got it, and now you are trying to twist my words around to fit your little narrative about me being the problem and not mega corporation uwu nintendo with a history of racism (to which this issue is extremely attached to)

so, since you apparently didnt understand what i said, and didnt watch the video i attached either, bc that goes into detail of everything as well, im gonna spell it out once more, and i will even EMPHASIZE words like THIS, so its easier to understand, just for you <3

i did NOT say that the 'belly dance' outfit doesnt NEED to be sexual, i SAID it is/was not sexual IN ITS ORIGIN, BUT was TURNED INTO what boils down to nothing else but a sexy strippers outfit by western people and has been used as NOTHING BUT sexual for decades in the vast majority of media of all kind-

which MEANS, that although in ORIGIN it might not have been sexual, the unfortunate PROBLEM is that through its extreme popularization as such you now have to assume IT IS sexual, bc that is pretty much ALWAYS the intent, people dont even know it as anything but a sexual thing

and before you can even say the "well maybe they didnt intent it a such" blah blah, this is NOT SOLELY about the outfit itself being the only problem here, its the whole package, even if they DID have good intentions or did it subconsciously (which, mind you, should also tell you just how much this kind of picture of middle eastern people has been spread, how common it is to see them like this that its what most people actually think they are like) it nevertheless sends a certain message, and again, ITS THE WHOLE FUCKING PACKAGE, everything, from outfit, to design elements, to dialog, to lore, to even camera angles, you cannot view it as a seperate thing bc it is, inherently, not able to be seperated from everything, its as if you took an incredibly racist caricature, zoomed in and said "LOOK they used a realistic kind of skin tone, its totally not racist!!"

you also called these design decisions "mistakes", but they are not, in fact mistakes, a mistake is when you notice after posting a drawing that you forgot to color in a strand of hair, however, ALL of these design and writing decisions are deliberate, they had to sit down, in a giant team of people, to come up with it, then proceed to design and write it, approve it, make it, and ship it, and saw no problem with it, which is a problem

now, im not saying nintendo personally is telling you "its ok to fuck kids", but things have meanings, and if you are making something, ESPECIALLY using something that isnt of your own culture, you should think about things, and what meanings a thing can have attached to, they are a giant corporation, not a single, very uninformed at best- or very racist at worst, human being, they have the means to do research, but they did not do it or think its fine, maybe even good, which deserves to be called out

i am a big, and longtime, zelda fan, but beign a fan of something doesnt mean you cannot criticise it, or aknowledge that its in many ways flawed, part of being a fan is being able to recognize things that are bad and demand better

if you send me another ask spouting bullshit or purposefully missunderstanding what im saying im gonna punt you into the filthy barrel of blocked porn bots, bc i dont have anon messages enabled to receive shit like this but to allow people who might be too shy to send normal asks to talk to me.

jfc.

[captainsophiestark]

Sleight of Hand

Jimmy Woo x Reader

Masterlist - Join My Taglist!

Written for Fictober 2024!

Fandom: Marvel

Day Twenty-Four Prompt: "You didn't do anything wrong!"

Summary: Jimmy gets a little help from his spouse to master the card trick he saw Scott Lang do.

Word Count: 1,118

Category: Fluff

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

She cautiously stepped around the corner, coming face to face with...

I froze, my attention drifting from the book in my hands at a weird noise behind me. It sounded like some kind of fluttering, but when I didn't hear it again, I went back to my book.

...coming face to face with-

"Shoot!"

I set my book down. The noise had come again, along with something light hitting our hardwood floors before my husband, Jimmy Woo, huffed. I marked the page in my book, set it down, then turned around to look over the back of the couch.

I frowned when I saw Jimmy with one empty hand out in front of him, like he was waiting for a handshake from someone invisible. He hadn't noticed me watching him, and after a moment of intense concentration, he jerked his arm quickly like he was trying to shake something out of his sleeve. Lo and behold, a card fell out. He tried to catch it between his fingers, but he missed, and instead it fluttered to the floor.

"Argh!"

"Honey." Jimmy's head snapped up to look at me as soon as I spoke. "What are you doing?"

"It's this card trick thing... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your reading."

I shook my head, turning on the couch to face him more fully.

"It's okay. What card trick thing?"

"You remember that guy I told you about? Scott Lang?"

"The ant guy? Yeah."

"Well, the last time I checked in on him, he did this card trick where he just made a card appear in his hand, like out of nowhere. It was actually really cool, so... I've been trying to teach myself how to do it."

I stared at Jimmy for a minute, processing. He stared back. Finally, I smiled.

"Okay. Let me help."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I stood from the couch, strecthing a little before walking around to join my husband. "I need a break from all the bad decisions the main character's making in my book, anyway. Let's learn some couples closeup magic."

*****************

I'd assumed it would be a fairly easy trick to learn. Don't ask me why, but I just figured it would take us maybe an hour, tops, and we'd both be making cards appear and disappear like pros. That was very much not how it went.

A few hours after I'd first noticed Jimmy practicing, we were still watching videos and trying to do the trick slowly, quickly, and everything in between with no luck. Technically, we were doing a little better than when Jimmy had first started, but the trick was still escaping both of us.

I watched carefully as Jimmy tried to do it again, and to me, it looked perfect. But the card still dropped to the floor instead of sliding smoothly into his hand.

Jimmy sighed, shoulders slumping as he looked up at me.

"What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong! That should've worked! What the fuck is it with this trick?"

Jimmy laughed, shaking his head as he leaned over to pick up the card again.

"I'm glad you decided to help me. I was getting pretty frustrated, but seeing how much more frustrated it's making you is weirdly making me calm."

I huffed and crossed my arms. "Glad I could help. But seriously, I feel like you're doing everything right. I can't tell what's wrong, or why it's not working."

"It has to be the finger movement," he said, setting up the card again. "I'm fumbling it when I'm obviously not supposed to."

"Frankly, I'm not convinced it's possible to pull this trick off without fumbling the card. Are you sure that Lang guy wasn't messing with you?"

Jimmy laughed again. "Pretty sure, but I guess you never know."

I just sighed as Jimmy prepared to try the trick again. I watched, but not as carefully as before. I'd been looking for some clue as to where we were going wrong for hours now, and hadn't been able to find it. Maybe it was just going to take a lot more practice, no matter how we tried to do it.

Jimmy took a deep breath, then extended his hand. I didn't see the card move, but suddenly, it appeared in his hand. Nowhere near the floor. Exactly how the trick was supposed to work.

"OH MY GOD!" I shouted, jumping up in the air the moment the shock wore off. Jimmy grinned, laughing in disbelief as he stared at the card in his hand. I didn't give him much time to savor it before tackling him with a hug. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY DID IT!"

Jimmy laughed again, absolutely joyous, as he wrapped his arms around me. I pulled back a moment later, just enough to kiss him. After all that work and frustration over the past few hours, it felt amazing to see him pull off the trick perfectly.

After a moment, the two of us calmed down slightly, taking a step apart even though the gigantic grins were still on our faces. Jimmy's had more of a lopsided tilt to it, which made my heart race.

"...Do you think we're celebrating this a little too much?" he asked. I immediately shook my head.

"Hell no we're not. Do it again."

Jimmy took a deep breath, resetting the card and actually starting with his hand by his side this time. He lifted it, and in one smooth motion, the card appeared in his hand, extended towards me. I actually screamed, jumping up and down, and after a moment Jimmy joined me.

I pulled Jimmy in for another kiss, and when we finally broke apart, he was still giddy. He did the trick another few times in a row, and although he stumbled a little on one of the moves, the card still didn't hit the ground. He was getting smoother every time.

"This calls for a celebratory dinner," I decided. "I'll get something started, you grab some wine. We toast to the defeat of the magic trick that thought it could defeat us."

Jimmy laughed. "Sounds like a plan to me. Thanks for all your help. I can't wait to use that trick the next time I need to give somebody one of my cards."

"You know I'm always here for you, including and especially for stuff like this. No card trick, random guy you see at work, or Avengers-level threat can stop us."

"Damn right."

Jimmy grinned at me, and I leaned in for one last kiss before heading to the kitchen. Sometimes the smaller, less important victories felt the best, and one of my favorite things about my amazing husband was how willing he was to celebrate those moments with me.

Although, after all the time we'd spent today, this victory felt far from small.

****************

Everything Taglist: @rosecentury @kmc1989 @space-helen @misshale21

Marvel Taglist: @valkyriepirate @infinetlyforgotten @sagesmelts @gaychaosgremlin

[woso-dreamzzz]

hate exam szn. i was late to the fateful jenni agenda day 🥲

i didn’t even realize the summary for alexia’s version was you come home and so when i read jenni’s summary—you go home—my stomach actually dropped. was like damn shots fired, feeling bad for alexia but yk she made her bed (unknowingly of course… but still)

bambi being strong and weak against alexia and feeling suffocated when she hugged her? calling out to her only to GIVE HER BACK THE TRAIN? spain without the s.

the (sort of) putellas erasure and feeling content at the thought of just being a hermoso actually hurts 😭 i’ve lowkey wanted this outcome the entire series and now that it’s here i’m sobbing. getting the “worst traits” from alexia and thinking she’d have let bambi stay if she were good at football oh my. jenni having always supported bambi’s interest in ballet feels right though. do you think jenni ever posts about it (perhaps not bambi’s face specifically, more so things related to bambi and to ballet) with so much pride and it gets back to alexia like a slap to the face? or even eli/alba visiting in mexico to watch a big recital and eli’s posts are more private so there are just videos on top of videos of bambi dancing—how does alexia react to all of this? alexia makes the decision that jenni’s better for bambi, but do you ever think she hates that fact? does it ever frost her relationship with jenni?

i was also wondering how olga reacts to bambi leaving. does this mean there’s never a true relationship between the two? bambi wouldn’t get a lot of time with alexia so i feel like alexia would inadvertently push olga to the side when bambi’s here. is olga just jaume’s mother? do you think bambi ever reflects on the fact that the addition of olga into bambi’s life was definitely a turning point? (so many questions omg… sorry) does jenni ever speak about olga and alexia in a bitter sense? does alba ever confront olga as well?

i hope that bambi’s a little more expressive of her feelings with jenni in this alternate outcome. the “so’s mine” and no one hears… the guinea pig comment too. bambi i’m getting you out of all the pain you’ve ever endured. i hope that she’s able to (in both outcomes) overcome this fear of speaking up for herself… because she won’t be able to realize that none of this was her fault if she doesn’t express she feels this way 🥲

also: holy shit. the mami never wanted you to you think mami is special to you know she’ll be the best mami in the world to jaume too LASHED ME W SO MUCH PAIN. SPAIN WITHOUT THE S. bambi’s always held alexia to the highest regard and despite her experiences alexia is never hated/despised. this might be a result of unreliable narrating given bambi’s reflection of her family and “how things are” are most definitely influenced by how she feels… but bambi thinking she was lucky alexia loved her ENOUGH to look after her until someone else could. NOT EVEN CARE FOR HER. look after. pain. her reflection of jenni always having loved her cements my feelings towards my internal jenni/alexia debate. (it’s always favoured jenni) of course alexia never meant for this to happen… “this” meaning bambi (from the beginning she’s faced difficulty on if she even wanted to go through with the pregnancy) but also this as in what’s occurred to bambi in general. to me though, alexia had full autonomy to end the pregnancy. she chose to have bambi. to me that signifies consenting to take on the responsibilities of a parent, and alexia failed that. though people make mistakes… this was dragged on and obviously has long-lasting consequences and haunts not just her, but bambi too. jenni’s constant and unwavering love for bambi hopefully will mend this trauma and heal her from the pain she’s been put through at such a young age

honestly after all this, even if i feel for alexia and we see how happy she is to get bambi back… we see more of how affected bambi’s been in this situation—and if we think about it, this is how bambi feels when she’s not forcing herself to accept alexia’s love especially when it feels so foreign. it matters that alexia tried but i think that train being broken was symbolic of her relationship with bambi… even when olga mended it it’d never be enough—it’s broken now and bambi hands back the new train (the one that should’ve been her birthday present) and to me that feels like bambi passing on this sort of responsibility to alexia with regard to jaume. this is a new train (a new child) and bambi wishes for alexia to take care of it and not break it the way she broke bambi.

still crying though. i love this series. thank you for always choosing the most painful words and sharing such a nuanced story <3 sorry for all the long rambles! there should probably be a feature to hide my asks bc i feel like it must be annoying have to scroll through it if you don’t want to read it 😭 you are the best though and everything you write is always a pleasure to read <33333

ps. princesse’s “mapi who doesn’t play football” HC is my most favourite. mapi’s the most supportive tattoo-acquiring, stray cat feeding girlfriend in the world and ingrid deserves nothing less

another ps. the first time i met my youngest sibling i lifted the blanket and got punched in the nose too. cub i love u <3

Long anon! I missed you! 😘

Bambi giving Alexia back the train was being planned for so long. It was always going to happen. It was just a matter of time that I put it in somewhere.

Jenni definitely posts about Bambi. She's such a proud Mama. She's careful with it though. None of the pics on her actual account fully show Bambi's face but she'll show Bambi's face on her story. There's countless photos of Bambi showing off her new ballet shoes (and then her pointe shoes when she's old enough to have them) and there's so many of the back of Bambi's head surrounded by her trains.

Eli definitely has more freedom in posting about Bambi because her account is private. She adores Bambi and practically all of her recitals end up on Eli's account, where Alexia usually gets her unfiltered information about Bambi from.

Olga and Bambi only really have a foundation of a relationship, the one that was made in the hospital, and it kind of stays that way. It develops a little bit as Bambi gets older but not much. Olga is mainly Jaume's mama and Alexia's partner. As Bambi grows up, she definitely comes to understand that her life changed the day that Alexia and Olga sat her down to talk about giving her a sibling.

Jenni doesn't really like to talk about Alexia and Olga to Bambi. She doesn't want to remind Bambi of them because she knows she's going to bitter about them so she just doesn't talk about them. Alba doesn't really confront Olga about anything. Her main job was getting Bambi out of that situation and she's done that now. She does keep a careful watch for the same warning signs for Jaume just in case.

Also about the train symbolism. The Bambi Train was ceramic. It looks strong but it's actually so fragile (Alexia dropped it and it completely shattered) while the Jaume Train is a proper model train. It's actually strong and if someone drops it, there's not going to be a lot of damage. It kind of signifies Alexia as a parent. She got a lot wrong with Bambi and she knows that but in the end, she ended up shattering the train (she broke their relationship). But with Jaume's train (and his and Alexia's relationship now and in the future) has stronger foundations and can take a few mistakes along the way without ruining it. Alexia has changed as a parent and giving Bambi to Jenni makes her want to be the best parent she can be to Jaume so neither of her kids have to suffer again.

I love reading your long rambles and I was so excited this morning to wake up and see you in my inbox again! I've got a few more parts of Injured stocked up with the first appearance of teen!Bambi that I'm so excited about!

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hiii, miss me?

Now you want to kiss me (or have to? Wasn't there a song like that?)

This month my blog turned two years old. I got the notification in my email. Last year I made an entire celebration post by publishing the funniest/ridiculous asks I got. There were good times back then. Still. Not so much afterwards.

I wasn't the nicest presence in the last few months leading to me abandoning the blog. And I wasn't too discreet about it. Although there was more to it, a lot more. But I'll get there.

First things first. Why am I here when on the 24th of March I dramatically declared that I'm leaving forever? Well, that was a very emotionally-charged post and the result of a few factors. I'm not entirely proud of how I made my exit, but it's also a true reflection of my personality so there's no point in making excuses. Nevertheless, I will explain as much as I can (I still care about privacy, just like before).

On that Friday, I woke up excited. I took a day off from work (yes...I know), I listened to Face, watched the music video. All good. But I was also dreading a bit having to come here because I knew there was this expectation of me to come up with some thought-provoking analysis, say something smart and all that. I was exhausted on all levels, emotionally and intellectually. I had also promised to leave after the promotions were over, somewhere in the middle of April (who would have thought it would last 9 days? Not me), but the plans changed. Not to drag it too much, but on that day I also officially announced to some concerned parties that I'm changing career paths. You know, just something I thought I'd be doing until the day I die and I've been working towards for at least 10 years. No big deal. I was planning on doing it anyway, but actually saying the words and make it real is a different story. I felt extatic, full of adrenaline, so happy with my decision and at that moment, it felt the right time to close BMT. It was somehow directly connected. I made the blog as an escape and now I got the opportunity to turn the page over. It was perfect. Best day ever. I clicked post, I logged out, and then I sat. And after a while, the reality of my decisions hit me in the face. And I felt sad and empty because what the hell am I doing now and what is my identity? I closed my blog too which was my main hobby. And so followed some difficult days. And then it got better. And then bad again. And so on, because it's a roller coaster.

The thing is, I can change my interests, but I can't stop myself from being opinionated. And getting excited. And wanting to talk about it. And share all that on a public platform with some strangers that are interested in what I have to say. Or they used to. It's who I am.

This blog won't remain Bangtan Media Thoughts because I want more than that. I will rebrand this page. I could start fresh with a new blog, but this is still my space and I know some people were interested in reading about other things as well from me, not just BTS. I hope I can built something from that.

The blog won't reflect only a specific niche of interests, but everything that I like in terms of pop culture. From movies, music, fashion, gossip, you name it. Including Kpop. And if I feel the need to rant about Hybe after talking about Ryan Gosling's Ken, I will. Same about JM, JK or whoever I feel like it. If there is a good advice that I got in the last few months, is to adapt and not force myself to abandon something completely. Because it's not as easy as it sounds. And to be honest, it was easier to give up smoking than completely lose interest in kpop. It's a habit. Perhaps this new blog will reflect the way I try to deal with that. A bit more honestly, a little less discourse, certainly less essays because I don't have them in me at the moment. But never say never. This blog will be all me, not just BMT.

I will change the name and url 24h after I post this. This will be an opportunity for all my followers to decide if they want to stay or they are not interested in the new direction. Feel free to do as you please. I welcome new people and greet the old ones who didn't hit unfollow for some reason.

It will go like this:

Bangtan Media Thoughts > Reflections in a Critical Eye

New theme, new profile photo, new beginnings.

All the old posts will still be here. I don't plan on deleting anything. They are all a product of me and my brain and they have their place. I'll probably pin some new posts these days that have to do with the rebranding. It will be like a construction site, but it will be worth it.

One last thing though. After I abruptly left, I received some DMs. I saw them back then. I do feel sorry about those who wanted to check in with me or with whom I used to talk regularly. But I do hope that some of the things I said today will explain my behavior. I also won't start communicating again like that, at least for now. I always felt a bit pressured and I'm not the best at maintaining conversations in private. If that changes, I'll make that clear.

That's it for now. I'm excited. I feel like writing again so here's to another chapter.

My inbox is open and will be, just as usual. No more messages to BMT, but you can call me M. Like in the Bond movies 😉

[alphabetboyluvr]

WIP TAG GAME

rules: post 3 snippets from published work, and 3 from your wips

tagged by: @btsgotjams27

tag: literally anyoneeee who sees this!! lemme see ur work he he (tag me in it!!)

PUBLISHED: BD 42, THROTTLE 4, OTTE WIPS: BD 49, OTTE 2, MONSOON

PUBLISHED WORK

BAD DECISIONS - #42 (x)

"You sound just like him."

If you thought Jungkook looked devastated before, then you've no idea how to describe the way he falls apart now.

Though he remains on his feet, body strong, his eyes sink into a darkness you've never known. His posture slopes. Everything about him reduces like wood to ash in the midst of a forest fire. 'Anguish' sounds far too violent for the gentle way in which Jungkook quietly crumbles, but it's the only thing that's remotely apt for his current expression.

"Don't compare me to him," he says. Swallows. "It's not fair."

But love and war never is.

"Don't do the same shit he did," you counter. "Then maybe I won't."

THROTTLE - 4 (x)

“Hey,” he calls through, his voice muffled slightly through the sliding partition doors. The glass is frosted, but you can make out his silhouette as he kicks his shoes off by the door. “Just been on a job. Emergency at an office building downtown. Some bad wires. Tripped.”

The lies roll off his tongue like butter in a hot pan. They sizzle. Spit. Burn you and scar you with the portrayal of a man who isn’t who he pretends to be.

Thing is, Jungkook is exactly who he pretends to be.

He really does get too hot in the night, and genuinely does find videos of kids falling over far funnier than he knows he should. His hair sticks up on end when he wakes up, and he loves his car more than life itself. The way he winces after taking shots, and his dimples, which form in moments of contemplation beneath his cheeks, are entirely natural to him.

None of it - none of him - is a lie. At his core, Jungkook is the idea in your head; the yellow of midafternoon sun before it sets.

He’s the amber light that flashes before fading into red. 

That’s his issue, though. Inevitably, he will always, unavoidably, turn red.

ONCE THE THRILL EXPIRES (x)

The softness of his lips as he presses them against your sternum, long lashes splayed across the top of his cheeks, has you spiralling. Kind of feels like he’s twisting a corkscrew through your heart. You know he’ll rip it right out - but maybe you’ll let him, if it means he’ll kiss the wound better.

“Hmm?” He hums. One of your hands rests on his shoulder, the other in his hair, and that’s how Jungkook knows he’s rectified the damage done for a short while. It’s like putting washi tape over holes punched in the walls - useless, and bound to fall off eventually, but ever so pretty in the meantime. Another washi-tape kiss is pressed to your skin, a little higher this time. “We had a good night, didn’t we?”

The tenderness of his voice rewrites the events of the evening. A good night. 

Not one with tears, and jealousy, and arguments that people who claim to be just friends have no business having. A night shared together, perhaps, with no one else to intrude.

Didn’t we?

WIPS

BAD DECISIONS - #49

He thinks he’s subtle. Thinks you’re none the wiser. Believes he’s good at hiding how he feels about it all.

Or at least he does, until you start laughing, “It’s one night, Kook. You can survive without me for a night.”

“No, I don’t actually think I can,” he replies without missing a beat, decidedly needy in his lack of denial. “In fact, I think I might-“

“You’re not gonna die,” you smile, reaching out for his hand. He doesn’t resist as you pull his knuckles to your lips, pressing a pretty little kiss upon them, then lowering them to your lap. Your clasp is warm. Welcome. Just like home. “It’s just a night-“

“Just a night,” he echoes, before arguing against you. “Just a night where you’re gonna look all fancy and nice, and I’m gonna have to watch another man taking you to bed-“

“He’s not taking me to bed!”

“Well, then he’s a fool.”

OTTE - #2

Because Jungkook doesn’t care how good you make him feel.

He doesn’t care how comfortable he is with you.

Doesn’t care that he buries himself inside you like it’s the only grave he’ll ever need.

He wants danger. Adventure. To constantly be moving and changing and evolving. Hates who he is, and somehow thinks he’ll love the person he’ll grow to be.

And so even though you’re safe – home – he doesn’t want that.

He wants new beds. New tastes.

Even if he returns home in the morning unfulfilled and disappointed, it still beats spending the night in his own room. Gives him a story to tell. A life experience.

He won’t remember their names. Their faces. How they felt, or the scent of their perfume. Will one day be just a notch in his bedpost.

But you’ll be mentioned at family dinners – How’s she doing? Did she get the job she applied for? – and Jungkook will forever remember the sound of the tiny bell on your anklet as you used to run up and down the hallways of your shared accommodation. He’ll recognise your perfume in a crowded subway station, and whenever he’s alone at night, restless and in need of sleep, he’ll always think of you.  

Come the morning, and a new tinder match is saying hello, he’ll forget you again.

Because they’ll be new, and exciting, and ever so nice, and the kind of girl he’d be lucky to have but–god damnit–they’ll never be you.

He met you too soon. Both of you know it. Both of you struggle with it.

MONSOON

elemental magic au - jjk x oc

“Oi,” Jungkook barks when Yoongi ignores him. “Hand it over.”

It’s always the same. Sometimes the colour changes, and more often than not the gas volume varies, but it’s always the same shitty brand of plastic lighter, with the same identifying initials written on the side of it. Fuckin’ idiot.

With a displeased frown on his face, Yoongi shrugs as Jungkook pockets yet another one of his lighters. “I’ll just buy another.”

“Try it,” Jungkook laughs. “I’ll get you banned from every fuckin’ convenience store in our part of the city if you’re not careful.”

And now Yoongi smiles too. “Gyu would never turn me away.”

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Beomgyu'll most definitely turn Yoongi away from the convenience store he works at if Jungkook tells him to - but he’ll also smuggle the lighters home for Yoongi, regardless. 

“Gyu’ll do whatever I tell him to do,” Jungkook assures Yoongi. “Kid doesn’t need to get wrapped up in your little schemes.”

[pics-pizza-peace]

Lost Colts!AU post pt. 2

(a crossover between The Lost Boys, Bill & Ted, The Breakfast Club, and Back To The Future, all in a loosely-MLPG4-based universe)

more notes/basics in no particular order

also I know I started the other textpost abt this story with "no Emersons, no Laddie, etc." but I've changed my mind because. idk I don't hate Michael anymore?? I'll probably get to more info on Laddie & Gramps & the Frog bros next time but yeah

character-specific fears:

David - veloxrotaphobia; rollercoasters(all kinds, excluding only ferris wheels/merry-go-rounds)

Marko - faded astraphobia(milder fear of thunder/lightning), xylophobia(wood/wooded areas), submechanophobia(older shipwrecks, wood-based dark rides, etc.)

Michael - musophobia(mice)

Max - ailurophobia(cats, they dislike him anyway)

Dwayne - claustrophobia(small, cramped spaces)

Luther/Lucy - arachnophobia(spiders)

Marty - fear of heights(can't fly or climb well)

Ted - strigiformophobia(owls, bad early experience) and astraphobia

Bender - fear of mirrors(not eisoptrophobia, but they do make him nervous)

Edgar - nyctophobia(fear of the dark)

Laddie, Grandpa Emerson, Paul, Star, and Alan are the only characters with no known phobias.

Also in this AU, Michael doesn't get turned into a half vampire(or batpony/nightpony), but somepony else does. There's an understanding that's eventually reached about his decision. It's not quite the same process either(to 'turn' someone else), but that's for later...

It's about compromise. He says he'll sleep on the idea, but something happens/is revealed that makes such a change for Michael individually unnecessary. The whole thing is like a trust exercise for both parties.

Lucy, is instead Luther, Michael's father. He doesn't have a son named Sam, but Michael does himself read comic books and dress a little different(& has a similar sense of humor). The Emersons are also pegasi instead of earth ponies(Star is an earth pony). Grandpa's still around, the potential local 'Lady Vampire'(Gramp's failed date) that Max may have missed in the film is still around.

This opens up to my two favorite questions about the film as well: 1.) Why are The Boys banned from Max's video store? Well, personally I believe that early-on, once the guys found out what their favorite things to watch on TV were, they could barely get anything done. Like, they were too distracted to hunt or spot each other properly because they got 'addicted' to the screens? I imagine that it'd be easier to get hooked on something like that, having as much time as you'd have. Being as bored as you might have to be sometimes, given the circumstances. That's just my guess. Otherwise it's because Max didn't need to be seen with them(too easy; setup for the 'get these ruffians out of my store' routine), or that he'd really just lost too many Actual employees trying to work in the place.

2.) Now I haven't seen a lot of people asking this yet, but I found myself curious after my most recent rewatch: What happened on Grandpa Emerson's date? This is mainly asked because he finally admits(funnily enough) to knowing of the existence of the vampires in Santa Carla, and after he returns from a botched date-night with a woman who'd been mentioned earlier in the film. I personally believe what happened was that His date turned out to be a vampire as well, and that he lived through the experience to tell of it. It's a theory of mine that I think holds well and also helps play into how I'll be utilizing Grandpa E.(+ the Frog bros)'s character in this story.

Max likes to watch Cheers when he can. Dwayne wouldn't admit it, but he likes to watch Star Trek, and that it's also one of the only things that he has in common with Max. Laddie likes cartoons, Paul & Marko both like music videos and knife/jewelry ads(?). David likes westerns, horror movies, and cooking shows. They all happen to like nature films.

Since I am mixing what at first seemed like Two Separate crossover concepts into One, we'll put down some more basics to organize for later. The order in which the others arrive in Santa Carla, for instance; first Michael & Luther(& Nanook), then Ted & his dad & stepmom, then Marty & his mom, and finally Bender(+ a runaway parrot).

Max and The Colts' conditions are a little more difficult to explain in this AU. I'm still trying to put elements together that might work for this purpose. This Max used to collect haunted/cursed/otherwise magical artifacts, and either sell them to unsuspecting ponies or keep them for himself. That is, until he came across something much older. Something which wasn't as easy to control or protect oneself from the lasting effects of. He had routinely worked alone in the past, but over the years found little other choice than to share his powers with others who might help him.

While still a little more on the animal/bat side, behavior & trait-wise, their particular group doesn't actively seek out and drink blood(being only Half dead from prolonged exposure to a specific artifact's effects, they can still eat some pony foods & be out in the sun at will), but they're still nocturnal. One of their powers is that they can instead siphon energy/magic off of others, should they need to. Max and the rest have made sure not to stir up any kind of trouble for a long time, and they had planned to keep it that way, before new neighbors(& eventually threats) started showing up.

David and Max have bad history with the Frog family, Edgar & Allen's grandparents had nearly run them both out of town, being experienced and well-known vampire(batpony/nightpony) hunters at the time. They've since opted to treat Santa Carla as a place where they're seen as Guests, and little more. Hardly a 'home', but we'll of course touch more on that later.

Also, one of the pieces from the first pinboard post I made abt the 'Boys has stuck with me, and makes me wonder how I'll use it in this crossover. "Oh, you misheard! I'm a paranormal Instigator, not Investigator :)" - I might be using this as another 'power' that the 'Boys and Max have at their disposal. They can communicate with stronger spirits, and often cause hauntings(with or without meaning to).

Since Luther and Max both have dogs, and Marty's going to be missing Einstein, I've decided(so far) that eventually Marko gifts Marty a stray kitten(her name is Strat). Also Bender being a 'runaway' himself, I figured it'd be appropriate if another one joined him, for better or worse. He gets a parrot, whom I've not named yet. Paul has a pet snake that Marko found for him, and David's close with a couple of families(generations) of bats who've lived in their cave with them a long time. Dwayne's favorite animals are crows and rabbits, but he doesn't own any pets. Nor does he plan to.

[ohchosen]

AUTHOR PORTRAIT ... get to know the author behind the blog! repost, don't reblog !

BASICS

NAME:        val AGE:         24 PRONOUNS:         she / they YEARS OF WRITING:          ok how specific are we talking. because i can say like circa 2010 i was on facebook writing bad twilight fanfiction + rp ( which then progressed into bad thg fanfiction ) or i can say elementary school and my little short stories i was always ad - libbing. regardless, it's definitely something i've had a knack for my whole life and it was literally just a matter of time before i found out about rp. and yes before you ask it was my personal facebook. when i was 11. that had all of my relatives added. yes they saw it. years writing on tumblr is different and i think i jumped ship and found out about tumblr rp around 2012 / 2013 and with that came my first formative decision which was to watch supernatural. you know where this is going. yes it was bad. no i'm not showing anyone.

REFLECTION

WHY DID YOU PICK UP WRITING?           i needed a hobby and had unrestricted internet access. i kind of answered this in the question before so jokes on me blah blah blah but without getting too personal i had a very difficult time in school with mental health and tumblr, known weird kid haven, was my little safe space where i could freely pursue what i enjoyed and was really my first venture into fandom spaces. i started in the supernatural rpc [ horror music ] and slowly meandered my way through book fandoms, to animanga, and finally settled on the video game community where i've been good and SAT for like six years now.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WRITING ROUTINES?          not necessarily. it's a miracle if i'm able to sit down long enough to open up my drafts and get going, but if i can lock in i'm all set. i find it hard to listen to music while writing because my brain cannot separate the two and i will accidentally start writing down the lyrics but i've never actually considered tuning into instrumentals so ,, thank you vos. writing that down............

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT WRITING?         stealing from vos in stealing answer solidarity but the rp community aspect. it can be awful and exhausting as some of us know good and well but it can also be incredible depending on who you surround yourself with. it's so validating finding people who share your little niche interest or even niche - er pairing ( hi vos ) and then to just completely devolve into sending memes and posts and screaming until 2 am in dms. i've met so many of my closest friends through rp, and stealing vos' answer again, but the characters i write who turn out the most developed are those who have been shared with friends. noctis would be nowhere near as fleshed out as he is if not for the people i met in the ff fandom all those years ago.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR WRITING.         oughhghh, um. i'm bad at taking compliments and even worse at complimenting myself so bare with me.

i've definitely grown a lot in terms of style and prose, and i'm actually pretty happy with what i'm able to spit out in terms of aesthetic styling as compared to even a few years ago. one of my biggest insecurities ( that still pops up here and again mind you ) was never being able to match length, and i was in the worst writers' block for a few years that i finally managed to escape out of around 2020 and now i can confidently say i'm writing more regularly than i ever have. so to answer the question: it has been my personal growth in my writing and it turning into something i can be confident in and proud of.

i really do enjoy the mundanity of editing my replies. i love to see the progress i make edit by edit and how cohesive and put together a piece of writing becomes the longer i work on it. i fully 100% devote myself to one reply at a time, which is a nightmare for quantity but sooooooo rewarding if it means i can put something out to the best of my ability and not stress myself out worrying about whatever else i owe. i am a self appointed slowpoke, and i've learned over the years to not let myself feel guilty about that because as long as it can become something i devote time on and put effort into, then it really shouldn't bother me how long it takes.

three things is too much to ask for lets all just walk away slowly.

A QUESTION FOR THE NEXT PERSON

HAVE  YOU  MADE  ANY  STRONG  CONNECTIONS  /  FRIENDS DURING YOUR TIME WRITING?          i'm pretty sure this question was intended for vos only but its way too late now and i've already written your accolades so you have to deal with it. this post is just going to be exceptionally long now.

vos @stagehunt my right hand man who has been with me for every gacha related poor financial decision. everything you said i'm literally sending right back to you. i knew no one in that fandom and was in way out of my depth before stumbling across you and your blog. i am so thankful we crossed paths and shoved our little barbie dolls together and said kiss because developing, and i mean really developing tomo would not have happened without your input. at this point you definitely deserve writing credits on him too because the way he turned out would be nowhere near the same if not for your influence. i've had a blast experiencing genshin's story with you and knowing without fail you'll be thinking the exact same thing whenever hyv fumbles the bag again, and yes. one day i GUESS i'll play more than 7 hours of hsr. luv u xoxo.

plum, @sherez, my love, my heart. it's crazy how fast the years have flown by and now all of a sudden i've known you since 2018??? i still remember seeing you from afar on ez and always being blown away by how much love and devotion you put into your characters. we are quite literally bonded for life after surviving the [ redacted ] rpc and i can't think of anyone better to come out beside than you. you can't get rid of me bitch!!!!!!!!! the amount of effort and care i've seen you throw into v, and how far she's come in terms of development blows me away. she is easily one of the best written characters i've ever had the pleasure of reading and i am so excited to keep following her growth. besides how freakishly talented you are, it's astonishing how much we have in common. bc who tf else would i be talking to about forgotten mcr lore in the year of our lord 2024. if no one got me, i know plum got me. booket....... booket for my sweety.......

lu @tactition its crazy how in the short little time we've spent together how much i've bonded with u. if i got down on one knee and pulled out a ring would u say yes.... my yaoi soulmate........ its INSANE how well our character Types (tm) mesh together, and i know karma is coming with its kiss for me when i finally download nier and have to atone for what i put u thru when i made you play final fantasy. please be gentle with me im delicate........... real talk tho.. you have so quickly become such an important person in my daily life and i literally feel myself go !!!! whenever i see a new dm from you because i know its always gonna be good. your character takes blow me away and even for myself who's nearly 7 years deep into the final fantasy scene, it amazes me how you still manage to shed light and new perspective on characters i've known for years. let’s kiss freaky style.

i've very much condensed my little bubble into people i actually want to surround myself with atp, and there's always a handful of mutuals on every blog that i don't necessarily talk to but who have been with me for years now so. sorry you can't leave or i'll become a danger to myself and others. kisses :*

WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE MOST INSPIRATION FROM? this is definitely a muse - specific question since it varies from character to character. with noctis specifically, it's mostly music. i have a few different playlists for him after writing him for so long, and while i can't listen while i write they all offer different types of mood setting for him. other times, its media involving fantasy tropes or characters that have similar struggles to him, off the top of my head ( and something i connected early on ) is the character u.enoyama r.itsuka from given. there's a lot i could say here regarding which aspects i took inspiration from but the majority was the similar personality he has to noctis, the internal thought process he offered when i read the manga, and the way he struggled with his sexuality that struck the loudest chord. don't quote me on any of that since i haven't been caught up with given for like 5 years now but !!!!! yeah the end.

NEW QUESTION: how do you relate to your character personally? are there any overt similarities to the two of you?

tagged by @stagehunt my lover..... tagging - @lunabrae @tactition @sherez

[bwobgames]

Previous First

The man makes a phone call

"Vivi! Turn on your location. I am coming over!"

"Wh- dont say it like that! No, we didn't do anything, just chatted"

"I wouldn't say disappointed. I mean, it's too early"

"That is an old nickname, and it does not reflect the man I am today"

"Lovingly: shut up, I am going there with him, so be nice"

"Yes, yes, bye!"

"... nickname?"

"Due to my poor decisions in previous years of my life that I do not plan on repeating, I was known as 'Goatman' for being 'Hornier than someone with horns'

I am now regretting giving her this information"

Oliver tries very hard not to laugh

"Ok, I know where she is. Let's go"

They get to a corridor

"Well well well, if it isn't Ángel and a little buddy, what bussiness could you two have with a lady like me?"

"So his name is Ángel"

"Job bussiness sadly"

"Man, and here I thought we would have a new person for our dnd campaign"

"That could be arranged"

"Before we start being boring, have any of you seen a photobook anywhere?"

"I wanted to take pictures of the storm, but without a photobook, they will get all crumpled in my pockets! I have been obligated to use my phone's camera like a measly instagram influencer, Do you see what that does to a vibrant soul like me? The pain? The shame??"

"I'm sorry, I'm sure we'll find it eventually"

"A lost photobook, that's another mystery.

Logically, I know it's probably just a misplaced item, but

Something feels bad about it

Dangerous

What if it was stolen?

By someone with bad intentions?

What if something bad happened?

What if something bad will happen?

What if it's happening right now?

Is there someone behind me?"

"No. Of course there isn't. I must be on edge from what Ángel told me. Ugh, this is not the time for new phobias to be created"

"Time to get into business"

"Excuse me, We were actually here to ask you about Eugene Coli's speedrunning incident. Do you happen to know about it? Why would he do that?"

"Yeaaahhhh no, I only know what happened afterward, I mean, I wanted to know! But the guy didn't want to give any interviews!

And then the guy went to jail for like, a week, only to disappear from public eye until this party, so he's probably here somewhere. If i find out, I'll tell you!"

"But you are then one who found out first, can you tell us about that?"

"It was an anonymous link sent to the place i work at. It led to a speedrunning website with the mans run in a video"

"Did you watch the video?"

"Yeah! It was taken off the site days later, but i managed to download it! It was like a tour to the man's factory. You could see him talking to whoever was recording. Although the sound was replaced with some techno music for some reason.

The video even had accidents! Like, blood and burns! I have no clue how the moderators accepted it, I'm blaming money"

"It was listed as a satisfactory gameplay ironically enough."

"Did you know that the guy used to be a speedrunner? He used the same account to upload this one"

"I don't have any knowledge on psychology, but maybe this guy is just obsessed with speedrunning"

"Well, this does tell us some things. Thank you for your help"

"Also, we must warn you, we think this event might be some kind of disguise for crimes that could hurt us"

"That blows"

"You don't seem very worried"

"I've reported dangerous situations live. This isn't my first rodeo, mister"

"Yeah, but this is more serious. You might be killed here"

"Well, if it's my time, then it's my time"

"Don't say that. You're sending yourself to an early grave if you're this careless all the time"

"Me? Aren't you the guy who can't be two days without injecting cancer gas directly into their lungs?"

"That's not the same"

"How is it not the same? Is that and your crazy stunts of dubious legality not also sending you to an early grave?"

"I quit that! And I can quit smoking anytime! I just don't have the need to"

"Right, right, of course, I'm just being careless unlike you, mature and responsible man"

"Is, is this a fight? A friendly fight? Should I intervene, or is it more like a sibling fight where this is a normal thing that happens. Can we leave?"

"Listen, I get it, I was stupid and unsafe, and I probably should've died thrice by now, but I don't want that life anymore!"

"I want to be safe now. I dont want any of us to be in danger"

"I don't want us to die"

"... It's going to happen eventually, you know this"

"I don't want it"

"Yeah, alright, I'm getting involved"

"...It is normal to fear death. It's unknown and out of our control, but only with death, we have life, yeah?

So let's not waste it by bickering, and let's keep going"

"I've never been good at pep talks, but if we really are in danger, then there's no time for existentialism"

"... Right, keep your location on Vivi"

"Maybe I will. Maybe I won't"

"... I'm sorry for calling you careless"

"...Ugh, Fine, I'll keep it on, stop looking at me with that mopey wet cat face and leave already"

"Well, we didn't find motive, but we have some information.

Do you know anyone else who might have something on the speedrunning stunt?"

"... Someone comes to mind"

"Alright, we'll go now, bye Vivi!"

"Yeah, yeah, run along, bunny boy"

"Did she just ...assign me a fursona???"

"She does that"

[alligatorpawnshop]

Rapture - Chapter 1

word count: 2617 rating: mature

In the aftermath of the Great Hawkins Earthquake and the death of Vecna, Robin and Steve find themselves a job at a new mascot-based children's entertainment restaurant. Nancy soon discovers all is not as it seems at the Party Palace.

---

This is a Ronance-centric story focused on creating a fun and believable alternate season 5 for the show. Definitely not a thinly-veiled FNaF AU (I promise it's more than that and has actual cool lore)!

read on ao3

next chapter

---

"And so, we played the game again, for one last time. It didn't matter that there were no maps, or dice, or no monsters. Pardieu saw the monsters. We did not. We saw nothing but the death of hope, and the loss of our friend. And so we played the game until the sun began to set, and all the monsters were dead."

- ♁ -

August 2, 1986.

"That was a shitty movie," Dustin said, rolling his eyes and setting his paper plate, slick with pizza grease, on the coffee table. 

"What'd you expect? It's called ‘Mazes & Monsters'. Dumb from the start," Lucas' laugh rolled over the credits music as he finished his own pizza. It had arrived, late, three-quarters through the movie.

Mike huffed, but the light in his eyes showed he was just as entertained as his friends. Bad movies with friends always made for a fun time. "It's just crazy that so many people think that about a game, even outside of Hawkins, enough to make a weird-ass movie about it."

"They just don't realize how cool it is," Dustin turned up his nose, smirking in a very uncool way.

Steve held his hands up. "Woah there, don't get ahead of yourself," He said, having only tolerated the horrid movie because the boys found it so entertaining. He had found it pretty boring. Thank God it was over. "Just because the movie sucked and people hate your game doesn't mean you're cool, buddy."

"Be nice," Robin, sat beside (partially on, her legs sideways over his) Steve in the beat-up armchair next to the couch, playfully slapped his shoulder. "Let the dorks be nerds. Haven't they gotten enough shit for it already?" She tilted her head slightly, grinning.

"Can't let them get big heads, Robin," Steve said with a roll of his eyes, pushing his friend off of him to go and collect the group's used plates. He was always the one keeping their apartment clean—if he didn't pick them up, nobody would.

Yes, their apartment. Over the summer, following the earthquake that practically destroyed a fourth of the town, Steve and Robin had gotten an apartment together. Steve hated being alone, as his parents were always out on trips, and Robin hated living with hers. They rather liked each other, so it was an easy decision. Robin wasn't going to college ‘till ‘87 (at least) now, anyway. The earthquake had wrecked her family's house so much that they couldn't afford to send her to college anymore, so she'd be working for quite a while to save up a little money before the loans got her.

Much else had happened in the few months between the Hawkins earthquake and where they were now, the party huddled up around Steve and Robin's TV watching shitty movies snatched from Family Video by its two responsible, trusted employees. For one, the Byers and Eleven had moved back to Hawkins. Tragedy seemed to follow them wherever they went—they might as well stay close to those who could share in the grief it brought.

Max had awoken from her coma in May, blind and unable to walk. In the two months since, she'd regained her vision—somewhat—and had learned to walk again with a cane. She had been spending a lot more time with the party than she did before after Starcourt, unable to do much else and not wanting to sit around at home. She sat on the couch now, sandwiched between El and Lucas, arguing over exactly how stupid the movie really was. She seemed to be doing better, but Steve still worried about her a lot. He worried about all of them a lot.

Steve worried a lot nowadays.

The worrier tossed the plates in the garbage can by the kitchen, just a few steps from the sitting area. He crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, watching with a small smile as the group exploded into a lighthearted argument about the worst movie of all time. It was nice to see the kids laughing—Robin, too. None of them had laughed much anymore. It was hard, knowing all that they did.

Steve had watched as his kids retreated into themselves over the months following the raid on the Upside Down. He saw them become shells of themselves more than ever before. Most painfully, he watched Robin do the same. Himself, too. But it was over. It was over, for good this time. El had eviscerated Vecna's mind, and Nancy, Robin, and Steve had destroyed his body. The gates…they'd opened, the earthquake happened, but just as soon as that big, ugly gash in the earth had opened, it collapsed in on itself. It left no otherworldly trace, only massive earthly destruction. 

The Upside Down was gone, for good. No more Vecna, no more Mind Flayer, no more Demogorgons or Demodogs or whatever weirdo nerd names the kids gave every Upside Down creature that reared its ugly head at them. At least, Steve hoped.

They'd never been able to figure out if destroying Vecna had destroyed the Upside Down, but it had definitely destroyed all of the gates, barring the other world from theirs permanently. There was no mastermind to force gates open, and El knew now how the original one had opened (though she never told Steve himself) and said there was no possible way it could be opened from their side again. He believed her. He wanted to.

"You zoned there, Steve?" Robin leaned her arm over the back of the armchair, giving him a funny look as the rest of the group continued arguing over the credits scrolling endlessly down the screen. He knew that look well. Are you just chilling, or having an episode, bud? 

Steve ran his hand over the back of his neck. "Just taking in the scenery," He said. Not quite sure on that, Rob. "I didn't think such a shitty movie would have them in such a good mood."

"Movies, no matter the shittiness, are an art, my friend," Contrasting the pretentious tone she took on, Robin climbed out of the chair and over the back with very little grace, sliding over the arm and onto the ground at an awkward angle. She grabbed some stray, crumpled-up napkins and threw them out (Robin Buckley? Cleaning? Maybe Steve should be the one checking on her) before sitting on the counter next to Steve. Voice low, the brunette learned over to him and said, "We oughta tell ‘em."

"Oh, it's not that big a deal," Steve hand-waved her head away. "It's just–"

"What's not a big deal?" El's ears practically perked up like a cat's, and soon did the rest of the kids' as they all turned to look at the two adults in the room. Steve could swear El had super hearing in addition to all her other stuff with all the little strings of conversation she'd caught before. Or maybe it was just the urge to know, to never miss out on anything again. Never miss something that could be a sign of upset, or danger, or…

Or maybe he was projecting.

Robin shot Steve a bemused glance and nodded him along, earning a sigh from the poor man. He stood up, pushing himself away from the counter to clasp his hands together. "Alright, kids, here's the deal. Robin and I aren't working at Family Video anymore."

"What?" asked Dustin.

"Why?" asked Mike.

"So?" Max raised an eyebrow.

"We got a better job," Steve raised his hands, shaking his head dramatically. "At one ‘The Party Palace.'"

"Oh, come on dude, seriously?" groaned Dustin, chorused by the rest. "That's so lame."

The Party Palace was once, in another time, known as the Palace, a cool arcade the boys and Max used to hang out and play games at. However, following the earthquake, the former owner put the business up for sale, and it was bought and turned into a Showbiz Pizza-style establishment just in time to spoil the gang's summer. The kids hated that it was gone; Steve had said that maybe, if he got the money, he'd buy a Nintendo for the apartment for them to go crazy on instead. That had yet to happen, but it remained a possibility, since…

"They pay almost two whole bucks more there, you know. It's a business decision," Robin said, kicking her feet from the counter. She almost caught Steve's back, but he was just out of reach, on purpose.

"A business decision? It'll be a net loss with all the money we'll have to spend at the video store now!" Lucas said, exasperated.

"Yeah, what about us?" The kids huffed and puffed, their nearly endless supply of movies Robin and Steve snagged for them free of charge now at an end.

"Contrary to popular belief, our lives don't revolve around you, dipshits," Steve said, dodging another Robin kick by simply moving one inch forward. "I already pay for pizza at least once a week for the entire pack of you, you can buy a movie or two."

"Lame," El said quietly, followed by many sage nods from the others.

"You guys just suck," Steve said, glancing at the clock. 11:38 PM. "You're all probably cranky from lack of sleep. It's late, go home, get out of my house."

"One, it's not that late, two, it's not a house, it's an apartment, and three, you're zero fun," Mike said as the kids gathered their bags. "No wonder you're working at the loser arcade."

"Go home, loser," Robin threw an empty plastic cup at the boy, thonking him in the head. "It's s'posed to rain in a little, anyway," That earned quite the scoff from Mike, but the kids all went somewhat willingly toward the door. 

"When do you start?" asked Max as the group was corralled through the door and down the outside stairs of the short apartment building, Steve helping her down the stairs as she hadn't quite grasped those with her cane yet. It was obvious by her question and the look in her eyes that she was calculating the amount of movies they'd be able to obtain depending on the length of Steve and Robin's remaining employment at Family Video.

Sadly for the redhead, Steve said, "Monday, why? Want to come visit the dumb baby arcade, Max?"

"Forgive me for asking a question," Max rolled her light blue eyes and climbed onto the back of Lucas' bike. He'd been ferrying her everywhere since she gotten out of the hospital.

Steve watched, hands on his hips, until all the kids had vanished from sight. It had begun to sprinkle. He ran a hand through his hair—can't have that getting messed up, no sir. But man, those kids would be the death of him, he was sure. They already almost had been at least five times. At least.

He turned to climb the rickety wooden stairs leading back up to his apartment, not daring to risk the splinters of the handrail, despite it becoming increasingly slick as the rain began to fall in thicker, heavier drops. He opened the red-painted door to find Robin back on the armchair, ignoring the remaining mess of disposable cups and napkins strewn around the room. Oh, Buckley. He knew her cleanliness couldn't last.

Robin remained silent as Steve began picking up the refuse littering the floor and coffee table, playing with the many thick rings that adorned her hands. "Kids always leave a fuckin' mess, I swear," Steve muttered as he tossed the garbage into the can. "If they don't clean up after themselves next time, they're never allowed over again, and I mean it this time."

"Quit being such a housewife, Stevie," Robin hummed, looking up from her rings to shoot Steve a smirk.

"Oh, shut it, you're just as bad as them," Steve chastised her, getting a paper towel to make sure the coffee table didn't get too many cup rings on it. If only those damn kids knew how to use coasters. "Worse, maybe. If I didn't pick up after you, this place would be a dump."

Robin laughed, a sound Steve had always liked, even when they were nothing but coworkers at Scoops Ahoy. Jeez, that felt like such a long time ago. "I picked up those napkins earlier! Just for you."

It thundered outside. "My hero," Steve grimaced out a smile and fake-half-curtsied as aggressively as possible, causing Robin to grin. He went to wash his hands in the sink and was about to tell her to turn off the TV before the bulb went out when all of the lights suddenly flickered in the apartment.

Steve jumped nearly through the ceiling, going pale as the lights fizzed and flickered before stabilizing again. He steadied himself with a wet hand against the counter, sink still running beside him, and took a deep, shaky breath. Just storming. That's it, that's all.

"You okay, Steve?" Robin's voice, far shakier than it had been moments before. Steve looked up from the blank spot he'd been staring at on the counter as he tried to calm his racing heart to see his best friend's pale face peering over at him from the chair, eyes wide.

"I'm good, yeah," Steve replied, letting out a sigh. He hated being so jumpy—he'd never been before…well, everything. But now, it just seemed to keep getting worse.

He knew Robin was dealing with the same thing. The other week, a black snake (Steve was unsure of the type, but Robin said it wasn't poisonous) got into the apartment and scared the shit out of both of them, who had mistaken it for a tentacle. Every time a lightbulb went out, every time their neighbor's loud-ass grandfather clock chimed, every anything, their hearts jumped into their chests. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Robin nodded. She waited a minute before saying, in a slightly less shaky tone, "Got any beers left?"

"No, but I have some vodka, Coke, and some Twizzlers," Steve moved to open one of their cabinets. Drinking after a little Upside Down-memory-thing had quickly become tradition in the Buckley-Harrington household after a night spent celebrating their brave removal of the snake from the premises. It probably wasn't healthy, but what were they supposed to do?

"Oh, gimme that, then, Harrington," said Robin, who got up to change tape in the player. They were always quick to move on from the topic of the Upside Down—unless they were drugged up by Russians, it was hard to get either of them to talk about their feelings. "What movie?"

"Uh, I dunno," Steve shrugged, pouring them each a nice concoction and tossing the bag of Twizzlers onto the couch. "What do you wanna watch?"

Robin sifted through the stack of rented movies the kids had left on the TV stand and picked one at random. "Oh, hey, they got Back to the Future."

"Bet that was Henderson," Steve brought the drinks to the coffee table and sitting on the couch. Robin shoved the tape in and sat down next to him, putting a Twizzler in her drink to use as a straw. Eventually, it grew too slow for her impatient brain, and she ended up chugging the whole thing.

Steve gave Robin's arm a gentle slap. "Woah, Buckley, slow your roll," He said, concern drawing his eyebrows together just a bit.

"Chill, we don't have work ‘till Monday. It's Saturday," Robin said, grimacing after swallowing the last of her drink.

"You handle drinks as well as I handle not housewifing," Steve replied, taking a sip of his own. Eh. Not his favorite. "I'd love for you to be alive in the morning." "Gee, thanks."

[moviemunchies]

Right! Back to the dystopian action.

[Side note: I watched this on YouTube, free with ads. I still don’t recommend it, because it puts ads at really weird places (like it does with all videos). None of them were as frustrating as the time I watched Solomon Kane, but still a bit annoying.]

Katniss has been recruited by the rebels of District 13 after escaping the Hunger Games and her home District being bombed out by the Capitol. But she’s not just called to fight–President Coin of District 13 and Plutarch Heavensbee want to make Katniss into the Mockingjay, the face of the rebellion, to help inspire their p people and rally the citizens of the Districts into open rebellion against the Capitol. Of course, Katniss has complex feelings about that, and she also wants to rescue Peeta, who was left behind in the Capitol–and it turns out! Has been brainwashed into becoming President Snow’s mouthpiece! Ohes noes!

In the wake of the Harry Potter film series, every young adult film series and massive blockbuster type made the questionable decision to split their final installments into two parts. The result is often a third film that’s almost entirely set up for a fourth film that’s almost entirely action sequences. I was worried about that going into this movie, but I didn’t find it too egregious. It is a problem, on reflection–there are a lot of sequences of hunkering in the bunkers that could have been shortened or cut. But it didn’t feel like the cliffhanger for this movie was any more abrupt than the ending of Catching Fire.

I thought that an interesting aspect of this movie is how much it focuses on media and propaganda. The rebellion doesn’t want Katniss to just go out and lead troops in battle and shoot all the bad guys (though I don’t know if that’d mind that), they want her to film public service announcements about how much the Capitol sucks. Which of course, doesn’t work, because Katniss isn’t an actress. Haymitch points out that the best way to capture her being inspirational is to let her just do her thing. But this also means putting Katniss in rough situations and pointing cameras at her to see what she does.

I don’t know, I feel like a lot of movies (or other , especially movies involving rebellions, don’t talk about the aspect of public relations. I liked that take on the subject.

Still, that also means that there aren’t that many action sequences. Which is fine, but apparently that’s a sticking point for many–that they wanted to see more of the war itself. It didn’t bother me much because I think many people don’t like thinking about how little of a war is actually, y’know, combat compared to other considerations, but I’ll admit it is also a little annoying that they’re probably going to pack the next movie with more action sequences and so this one will seem quite boring by comparison. I’ll let you know if that holds out to be true when I get to the second part.

Performances are great across the board, but I can’t help but miss President Snow. He’s not in this movie that much; which is a shame because he’s loads of fun to watch. He’s a bastard, but he’s an entertaining bastard.

That being said, while  I think that Jennifer Lawrence’s performances are good, it isn’t always fun to watch, because you have scenes of Katniss trying to act, and Katniss isn’t good at acting. So yeah, in-universe, it works, but it’s still a bit cringey to watch. 

It’s fine, but I don’t know if I will feel the same after the second part. And this is a thing that I hate about this whole ‘Part 1-Part 2’ thing Hollywood used to do. I watch a movie, and then I have an opinion, but then it turns out that it’s an incomplete opinion because the story’s not meant to be taken on its own.

[Then why did you write a movie review for just half a movie? Well, because I got over halfway through writing this before I came to this realization.]

So I didn’t mind this film being a bit slower, but it IS a bit slower, and I can’t help but think that I can’t make a final judgment. Right now, it’s fine, and the movie’s enjoyable enough, especially if you’ve been keeping track of the story thus far. But we’ll have to see if it all comes together well in the final installment.

Especially because the actor playing the major character Plutarch Heavensbee, Philip Seymoue Hoffman, died after filming his parts for this movie?

[hangonimevolving]

The Horror Movie - Part 2

I actually am not a fan of horror movies. Just don't love the genre.

But, alas.... this fall, I found myself LIVING OUT a real life horror movie. No, I'm not exaggerating. And I'm gonna be honest here and say that even now, nearly 3 months later, even in my normal day to day life - every so often, I get a flash in my mind, a snapshot back to the horror movie I lived through. Photo snapshots, or short bursts of cinematic video clips, just to remind me that the world is different than it used to be. I am seeing a therapist about this (heh, here it is - I'm just gonna let it all hang out). She says I have PTSD. Like, the real thing, not just using that as a buzzword for being stressed out.

Okay, so what happened. I'm gonna tell you. Note: I am going to copy/paste this narrative from a few places, because I had to recount this story at least 3 dozen times - via text message, WhatsApp, emails, etc. to say nothing of more phone calls than I can count. So, I've written it many, many times and have it availabe to copy/paste. But I'll be adding in some info here wherever I feel is relevant.

My family has endured a living nightmare.  Around 10:30 am on Monday 10/28, my dad stepped out of his house for a morning walk in his neighborhood (normal for him).  But - as of 12:30, he hadn’t returned yet.  Dr. Spouse and I were at the grocery store on a rare/unique day off from work for him - we'd had a pleasant walk in our own neighborhood that morning, and we decided to be organized for once and go grocery shopping together b/c we had discussed some meal planning, and were getting excited about a health kick. I'd finally gotten back into running nearly ever morning for the last 6 weeks, and we were both doing well with diet and exercise.

But then, we get this call while I'm in the produce aisle, and any positivity/optimism - nay, any focus on ourselves - instantly evaporates. My dad only goes walking for about 45 mins usually, so my mom got concerned and called me to see if he’d turned up at my house or something.  Long story short - the day snowballed into a frantic search for him, with me, my mom, and Brijesh driving around our entire town looking for him.  We called the cops and they launched a full-blown Missing Persons protocol, complete with police helicopters, a K-9 unit, and a Drone Search unit, and about 10-20 deputies circulating in/around my parents’ house for most of that 24 hours.  

Note: "snowballing". That's how I summarized it in my emails to people. But here, I'm gonna elaborate. This "day snowballing" thing is a euphemism for an infinite, agonizing string of little heartbreaking and anxiety-flooded moments, each one horrifying in its own right. The first one is my initial reaction to my mom that maybe she was getting worried and worked up for nothing, and wanting to call the cops around 12:00 pm that day - okay, at that point, he had been gone from 10:30-12 noon, but perhaps he was somewhere perfectly okay and safe. At least, that's what I thought. After all, just a month before, he'd had an incident and had said he wouldn't take off on long walks like that anymore. I thought it was premature to call the cops and set into a motion a whole THING. It would leave a record, they'd be on some sort of list for senior citizen welfare checks... I didn't know for sure, but I felt like it would be a big thing and what if it was all for nothing? I wasn't convinced we needed to take that step at that point. But then, the trickle-truth started. She then admitted, they'd had a little tiff that morning and he'd taken off in a bad mood - intentionally. This IRRITATED me to no end. How immature. But, I told her, "give him a chance to make the right decision." Surely he'd learned from the other thing last month? But in the next hour or two, she shared that at home, she'd found his phone, Apple Watch, wallet with ID and all credit cards.... and that in their cash envelope they keep at home, there was only about $120 missing. Now - the light bulb was going on that he had done this intentionally. Alarm bells. It was only at this point that I told her, okay, let's call the police. My logical brain tells me, my initial hesitation to call the police was totally not an under-reaction. I didn't know all the facts initially, and even so - I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, taking his words at face-value that he wouldn't make irrational decisions about exertion. But I was wrong. We initiated the whole police thing around maybe 1:15-1:30, so we lost about an hour or so of time. Would it have made a difference? That's the part I keep circulating around.....

Another pearl in the string of anxiety of that time: Waiting at the bus stop in my car for Dey to come home from school at exactly 2 pm, and suddenly becoming aware of the whirr of helicopter blades high above my head - - throwing open the sunroof of my car to realize there is a police chopper in the sky, looking for MY DAD. Like, what.

(sidetone: it is at this point I'm gonna start peppering my blog post with weird pictures, many of which are screenshots from footage from the dash cam of my car. Weird snapshots that capture the bizarre horror movie that my mind keeps replaying)

Telling Dey to put on his seat belt, because today, instead of going home, we are going for a drive. "To where?!" he asks suspiciously, because this is not the norm for us. I am thinking on my feet, and have no plan - "UHHH, to Starbucks!" I blurt out. What?! I never go to Starbucks. But in that flash of a moment, I think - what if Dad is at Starbucks? We drive to Starbucks, but make a string of ridiculous pit stops and detours on the way, and the entire time I am convinced Dey is suspicious and on to me that something is going on - but my heart is breaking in real time and I don't know how to tell him from the driver's seat of my car that his grandfather is missing and might be dead. So we stop at Walgreens "to look for posterboard" (?!)

and we do a long and asinine "detour" to Starbucks (makes no sense based on the routing) through a nearby neighborhood "to look at Halloween decorations", and all kinds of things.

(Photo of some impressive Halloween decorations that we saw on this random drive. Random photo for this story though? yes. But it's part of the Horror Movie highlight reel that keeps playing in my mind, so I'm sharing it with you, and now you know too.)

We wind up eventually at Starbucks -but then, to my horror, I see that there are no fewer than four police squad cars outside of the Starbucks, and my heart flies into a panic. Have they found him?! Or worse, have they not? And what do I do with this child in my backseat if I'm about to get bad news?!!! I throw the car in park, put on the hazards, and tell him to stay right there because I'm gonna buy him a cake pop (?!) and then I LEAVE MY CHILD IN THE CAR while I run like a maniac into Starbucks, only to find two cops in there but no Dad.

I talk to them for a few moments, tell them who I am ("I'm the daughter of the Missing Person"... and inside, mentally to myself, "Oh my god, I'm the daughter of the Missing Person") and after a few moments hearing their plan, the places they've looked, the places they're gonna look, making sure EVERY single one of them has my personal name and phone number as well as Dr. Spouse's, and AirDropping a more recent photo of my dad to them than the one they have (HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE photo which is at least 10 years old and in which he is at least 30 pounds heavier and has dyed hair) - I get back to my abandoned child with a cake pop. He asks me what has taken so long, and again I'm just paralyzed. And right there, in the Starbucks parking lot, with a raccoon-shaped cake pop in my baby's hand, I have to find the words to tell him that I'm sorry I've been acting weird, and actually, there's something going on today.... and I tell him what has happened. And I cringe. And absurd thoughts fill my mind. Is he traumatized? Is he scared? Have I officially created a core memory for him where forevermore, cake pops will be associated with shock and grief?? It's possible.

(This photo has PRIME REAL ESTATE in the Horror Movie highlight reel. I can't stop seeing it in my mind. Literally within seconds of taking this picture, with my child holding this cake pop in his hand, I break the news to him about his grandpa's situation.... and life would never be the same. Can you hear that cracking sound? That's my heart)

This insertion of material ends with Dey and me driving back from Starbucks to our neighborhood to await Vev's return from school via the school bus, where I decide straightaway to tell him what's going on right there in the car, before weakly handing him his bag with his cake pop. Another child with cake pop trauma. I'm just sick.

*End inserted story, returning more or less to copied/pasted email*

As night fell and went to the wee AM hours and he still hadn’t turned up, we - our whole family - were preparing ourselves for bad news. Don't they always say "if you don't find them in the first 12 hours, the odds of finding them alive go down?" Or is it 24 hours? Or is it "find them during the day, because after night, it gets weird?" See, I don't watch those weird Law & Order/police/crime type dramas, so I don't know these things. Whatever. The point is, once Dr. Spouse got home from work around 5 pm, I was able to leave my house with him watching the kids, and go to my mother's house to be by her side.

I arrive to her home, to find not one, not two, but something like 6-7 squad cars in her driveway and cul-de-sac, and at least 9-10 police officers from various units and specialized departments coming/going.

(*oops, here we go, more inserting of details) Bizarre and irrational thought bubbles into my mind, a thought that makes zero sense under the circumstances - but I think to myself oh geez, they're wearing their boots in and out of the house! We are a shoes-off-in-the-house culture, it just jars me to see this. Of course, then my rational mind interjects: "WHO CARES?! THE FLOOR IS GONNA GET DIRTY, BUT YOUR DAD IS MISSING." Why are you wasting brain-space on the shoes?!" And I instantly feel sheepish, just to myself, in my mind. But then my defiant, defensive, confrontational mind goes "hey! She's only human! She's having natural reaction to seeing something out of the ordinary! Calm the fuck down, let her feel her feels!" I feel crazy. A whole internal conversation in the blink of an eye. We are weird creatures, we humans.

There are three who are standing around my mother as she sits at her breakfast table with her reading glasses on, looking over various forms they have in front of her. One officer, who happens to be a very tall, muscular African American man, is leaning against the table in his tactical vest and boots, with a giant black boxy-looking laptop open in front of him as he is typing a bunch of notes in. Several officers' walkie-talkies keep bleeping and beeping at random. I see two Caucasian or white-presenting Hispanic officers, one male, and one female, walking out of the house back to their cars and driving away - and it catches my eye at the last minute that their tactical vests say "K-9 unit" on them, and their vehicle is a large SUV with "K-9" emblazoned on the side. A late middle-aged short Hispanic officer in my mom's kitchen sees my eyes darting around and nonchalantly says "yeah, they're gonna send the units out right now with the bloodhounds to try and trace his scent. We took your dad's slippers, hope that's ok." My dad's brown, fuzzy bedroom slippers. I think to myself, what if he suddenly shows up at home and is irritated someone took his slippers. Weird thoughts again. Said officer also tells me that there is a Drone Search/Rescue unit in the air at the moment, along with the Helicopter Search Unit, and my irrational mind immediately goes "Wow, Vev would love that!" before my "shut your mouth" mind goes "whaaaat are you saying, this is terrible!" Egads, there's a whole symphony of voices up there.

The minute my mom sees me, she starts crying and I give her a hug - and immediately, I'm happy to be there for her, but I also feel it. The TRANSFER OF POWER. She had been somewhat composed and in problem-solving mode before I had arrived, but now that I'm there, I feel her tacitly hand over the torch of "HANDLING THE SITUATION," and I know that from this moment onwards, its gonna have to be me that is the spokesperson of the family, the one answering questions, the one steering the ship of whatever our next steps are going to be as a family. And, I am ready for it. I was born ready. Its fine. But also, dang.

I settle in a little, and my senses settle down into some sort of calm autopilot. I introduce myself to the officers who make it known to me that they're are from Missing Persons, and they explain what protocols have been set into place, what steps are being taken, and what the plan is going to be overnight to continue search and rescue. I tell them that I'd already seen and met some officers in town who were doing foot patrol, and they are glad to hear it. I share multiple updated pictures of my dad, I take an officer into my dad's closet in his bedroom and show him the type of clothing my dad ordinarily wears. They want to know what shirt that my dad was wearing that morning, and I don't know - and my mom doesn't either, and she's all broken up about the fact that she doesn't know. The officers (with only good intentions) ask me how come they don't have a Ring camera system installed at their house, and I have to sputter an explanation that is at once mindful of protecting my parents' feelings, while also kind of being honest with them about my own frustrations that my parents had vehemently refused my REPEATED ADVICE to do this very thing. I have to control my own frustration while answering questions like this, and its not much fun.

A detective walks me outside to the sidewalk, away from my mother, and it turns out he has to ask me some really sensitive questions and doesn't want my mother to be uncomfortable. I tell him I'm here for it, let's go - I'll answer anything you ask me. I can already tell what this is going to be about, and I am prepared to answer him without any hesitation. He asks me all the things one would wonder about in this situation. Does my father have a drug/alcohol problem? Is it possible he did, and we didn't know? Is it possible my father is having an affair? Is there another secret woman, a secret family, where he has perhaps run off to? A woman or family that would be complicit in letting him hide out there and evade discovery by the cops? Does my father owe anyone money? Is he in debt? Does he have a gambling problem? Is it possible there's someone out there who has a bone to pick with him and is holding him ransom? Does he have any other vices or secrets that would be worth considering as reasons for his disappearance? It's almost a relief to hear these questions and discuss it all with the detective, because the answers are easy. No, none of the above. My dad is a boring, cranky old man who struggles to use even basic technology. He wouldn't know how to find a mistress if a woman appeared in front of him and took his top off. He has zero debts and zero sketchy business deals going on. His problem is he is BORED and frustrated with his life, because inside his mind he feels like a much younger man who is trapped in a frail, aging body, and he's frustrated about it. And of course I feel for him. HOWEVER. He and I have always butted heads, and in recent years I have not been able to help feeling frustrated with him, because he is refusing to age gracefully, and he is taking out his own feelings on my mom and all of us, and it hasn't been much fun. He balked at retirement till it was way past the time to do so, and it got so complicated because he didn't pull the trigger on it at the time that it would have been convenient - instead, he waited till he was recovering from heart surgery, there was a global pandemic and a recession, and the real estate market got complicated. He missed the timing, in my opinion, and made it harder than it had to be. How do I say all this to the officer? DO I say it? My father has one problem, and one problem only. He is angry that he's getting old, and he thinks it's unfair. This is a man who is a doctor, and whose life work has been helping human beings with the natural problems of aging. And yet, he is acting like he thought it wouldn't happen to him. (*and oooh, sidebar - now I've officially devolved into just writing current thoughts and memories, not returning to email. I think I just have too much to say that hasn't been said)

At the precise time where I should be more soft, worried, empathetic and emotional about my family - I am feeling infuriated and my patience has run out. It's occurring to me that my dad has done this intentionally because he's just having a hard time dealing with himself, and I'm just super angry. He's putting us through the wringer because he can't get a handle on his own emotions, and I'm pissed that he's being immature and super unfair to us all. But. I can't say this. I keep it to myself.

By the way - its about 6 pm, now, and I just want to say that all this time, from the very start of like 12:15 pm - I've been in touch with my sister Rithers in Washington DC, and she's been involved in the situation the entire time by phone and text. And she's worried sick. Her husband K is worried sick. Her kids H2O and Nini come to know, and they're worried sick. My mom is worried sick. Dr. Spouse is at Threat Level Nine of anxiety. My kids are worried and also feeling my absence, because I've had to unceremoniously dump them afterschool that day, and it's outside of our norm and it just amplifies the gravity of the situation. They can feel the tension in the air, and it's super uncomfortable. This will get worse as time goes on. LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE THIS IS AFFECTING. I'm just building a dark storm cloud in my mind thinking of it, of all the people affected, and how his unhappiness and rash decision is now pulling so many people into a vortex of despair. And I'm balancing my calm, rational, take-charge and problem-solving personality and calm, problem-solving outer affect, with my inner fury that all of this has been caused by a Man-Baby having a Tantrum.

Anyway. Its about an hour or two of this controlled chaos of cops at my mom's house, before finally, they announce that they're all going to be leaving for the night - that certain departments are going to continue Search/Rescue overnight, but that they themselves would be resuming after sunrise in the morning. My mom and I say goodbye and shut the door, and then suddenly - it's just us. Silence. We don't even know what to say. Eventually she just goes, "let's eat dinner," and we both fix ourselves a bowl of rice and rasam and eat unceremoniously standing at the kitchen counter. I don't know if we even tasted our food. Afterwards, we get in my car, almost without talking about a plan, and start driving around. Just driving around. We go up and down the streets of her neighborhood, then out to the town center, then up/down some of the long suburban boulevards with sidewalks where people sometimes walk. We drive slowly through some strip malls, paying attention to some of the benches and bus stops in case he is resting or has fallen asleep somewhere.

We do the rounds at the three small and normally super-quiet hotels in our town, make inquiries at the concierge desks. Nothing.

We pull up to three separate (LOCKED FOR THE NIGHT) public parks, and I recall my Spartan Race training days and haul my 45-year-old, out of shape ass up and over several metal fences, and jog around in the dark with my iPhone flashlight on, hoping maybe I'll see this guy. No dice.

(I am leaving my elderly mother alone in a double-parked car outside a desolate, dark park each time I do this - which also helps my anxiety TONS. And it helps her anxiety tons to know that her beloved daughter who has left her husband and children at home is now running solo in the pitch-black night in desolate, dark parks. Lucky us.)

We go to a couple of gas stations that are still open, and talk to attendants, show his picture. But its the night shift, and anyone who was working earlier in the day is long gone now, The night shift folks are kind and promise to bring up the issue to their bosses and relief shift folks who come on after sunrise, and we thank them - but we know its all a really long shot at this point.

(Is that a random photo? Yes. Random phone number from one gas attendant, who was trying to be helpful and providing her the number of the station's general manager to see if we could get some security camera footage. Again, random picture. But it lives in my memory of the Horror Movie night, so here it is.)

By the way - I've got to pause and bring up a whole other thing here. We are alone in this. And yet, we are not alone. I don't realize it entirely in the moment, but we are not alone.

There is the Missing Persons report and press release, which begin a life of their own at this point.

I have shared the Missing Persons report and press release with a few WhatsApp groups I belong to. There is a Whatsapp group for fellow people of Indian origin who live in our suburban town, and I share it there. I share it with my mom's subdivision WhatsApp group. I share it on NextDoor. A PTA friend of mine texts me to say hi, unaware of this - and in our conversation, I say "hey, sorry, can't talk much, my family is dealing with an emergency right now," and I copy/paste the link. She flies into a panic - understandably - and asks, hey I know this is really personal and I'm sorry you're going through it, but I want to help, and I know many others do too. Do you mind if I share this? Do you trust me to share this in a way that might help your family? And I think to myself, fuck, what do I have to lose - and I give her the green light. CHIIIIIIILD - does she share it. Does she ever share it. She shares it to our entire PTA board, to the broader chat for important members of our elementary school community, and then she goes and shares it to my older child's middle school chat boards. Within about an hour of my first share - - the press release has now been read by over 6000-7000 people in my community, AT LEAST. And of course from there, likely more - people then shared to their church groups, their kids' scouting and activity groups, to their gyms, to their biking clubs, to EVERYTHING. EVERYONE KNOWS. And it is very, very overwhelming to think of that..... a part of me is cringing and dying.

But, also, a bunch of candles suddenly start flickering in the dark - - and I realize, there are total strangers out there who jump into action to try and help us. A biking club circulates my dad's picture, and every member of this 200+ member biking club is biking around town looking for him. People in my parents' subdivision each get on their Ring cameras, looking for evidence to help us - -AND ONE OF THEM FINDS a video of my dad walking down the street, and we FINALLY SEE THE FUCKING SHIRT HE WAS WEARING. We screenshot and send it to the cops, who are all excited to have a photo.

(Isn't that photo random? Random shirt from the Gap Factory Outlet website. This is the shirt my dad was wearing, that we saw on a neighbor's Ring camera footage, and then looked up on the Gap Factory Outlet website because my mom recognized it as "the shirt I bought him from the Gap Factory Outlet a few months ago!" Random photo. But again, it has a permanent place in the Horror Movie film reel).

THEN. Then, then, then. HERE they come. Here come my people. The ENTIRE board of our school PTA, my new friends, my new partners in crime. Remember the Suck Zone? The tornado that I got sucked into?! The hardest job I've ever worked for no money?! THOSE PEOPLE. The people who have been working it with me. THEY SHOW UP. EN MASSE. It is like an entire Marine Squadron metaphorically assembling on my lawn. They are suited up, in formation, READY. MANY of them - not one, not two - MANY of them - - drop everything they are doing that day, hit the pause buttons on their own lives, their jobs, their families, their kids. They GET IN THEIR CARS, and they start driving around. And they get their SPOUSES to drive around. And two of them call all the others and say "drop your kids off at our houses, we will watch them, and you go drive around, and you find Evolver’s dad." CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT. They did this for us. And a tsunami of gratitude just knocks me over, standing there in the kitchen.

One of my best friends - my closest friend in our town, and I'm gonna call her Aunt Lynchpin, b/c her name starts with L and my kids call her Aunt L - has left her husband at home with her two daughters, and is driving around nonstop looking for my dad. She has known what we've been going through the last few years, she knows the whole backstory. And she says "you are going to do WHATEVER you need to do the next few days, and we are here for you. If you call to ask me if I can help you or if you can do X, Y, or Z - I'm going to be upset. CALL ME, or show up here, and just say 'do this.' And we will do it. I am your family." I take her up on this like five thousand times over the next two days.

Last but not least - my two college besties that live out of state, Y-Clef and Bonez - we have been on the horn in our group chat on WhatsApp since long before everything devolved into a tailspin. We are all three navigating the woes of the sandwich generation right now, with aging/infirm parents, and we've been supporting each other through that for a few years now... so they were the first to know, and were a constant source of support via text throughout the day.

Anyway, back to me and mom..... after our rounds, we drive back home around 10-10:30 pm, and we both take showers and get into our pajamas. But then, we walk out to the living room, look at each other silently, and almost without discussion, go back out to the car - - and do it all over again. Driving around aimlessly, without a plan, without leads, just looking out the windows. It's very late at this point and the streets of our sleepy suburban town are empty, with zero cars. I can drive with my high-beams on for most of the time without disturbing anyone else, but it's all to no avail. No sign of my dad.

Around midnight or so, we return home. By my car's odometer, we have logged over 45 miles of driving in about 2 hours, just going back and forth within our own small town. We know we've covered everywhere there is to cover at that point that (we believe) is within walking distance, since we was on foot. Demoralized. We silently head to our beds - my mom to her room, and me in the guest bedroom where my kids frequently spend the night. I don't fall asleep though. I'm texting my sister for awhile, then Dr. Spouse for awhile... and when they both fall asleep, I call around to three or four hospitals in my area, speak to the Emergency Room staff if there have been any John Does, and then I ask to be transferred to the Morgue. No unidentified bodies. Then I spend a few hours online researching funeral homes in my area that offer cremation services. Then I start looking at flight option for my sister to fly in from DC, and for relatives and friends to fly in from New Orleans. I am preparing for a funeral. I am positive this man is dead. I create a OneNote in my phone with a list of family members that we are going to have to notify, and I put stars next to the names of people we are going to have to fly in from New Orleans, from India. I visit the URL's of several Hindu temples from Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, and I jot down email addresses and numbers. I'm going to have to fly in a priest to perform the last rites. Tomorrow is the day that I'm going to get the call that they have found my father's dead body. So I am going to have some basic information and resources at my fingertips so that in the morning, WHEN we have to deal with the next part of this - I am not caught unprepared. I am going to have to drive this bus, I am going to have to steer this ship. So I better be ready. I'm completely in command of my emotions. I don't shed a single tear. I am in battle mode. I know at some point I go to the kitchen for a glass of water, and I see a faint light from my mom's room. I glance in there - she's in her recliner chair, sleeping. She's not in her bed.

I wake up (wake up? Did I sleep?) around 5 am and decide to quietly drive back to my own house, eat breakfast, take a shower, and be a part of my children's morning routine before school. They don't know it, but this is going to be their very last morning of their lives where they believe their grandfather is alive. I should be there.

Social media has blown up overnight. WhatsApp has blown up overnight. My voicemail starts blowing up before sunrise. Hundreds of people are DMing me saying "I think I saw a guy here! I think I saw a guy there!" and 100% of it is not fruitful. Most people mean well and are trying to be supportive, but it is all taking time and energy to deal with. I am filled with a sense of dread. I author 3-4 boilerplate responses and save them on my phone, and I start copying/pasting.

Also, the police reports have gone out to all local news outlets. Again, overnight, the links have been shared across social media. Our entire community is going to know about this by 7 am, and their friends are likely going to know at school. I fire off emails to the kids' teachers, principals, and school counselors to give them the information, and I write a heartfelt, desperate paragraph at the end of each asking them to please help me shelter my children from unkind comments or any breaking news of gruesome discoveries. I haven't been emotional about anything for nearly 24 hours now, but if anything gets to me a little, it's this moment. I need help to protect my kids from what we are going to find out today, and I need to beg the help of strangers with this.

BAM. IMMEDIATELY. A phalanx of people from Dey's elementary school assemble and report for duty. It shocks and overwhelms me at their individual, and yet coordinated, responses. Dey's teacher is PHENOMENAL. She calls me, ON THE PHONE, like a human being. We talk. She is besides herself, but then at the same time, ANOTHER PERSON STEERING THE SHIP, and I am sooooo grateful to have another set of hands holding the wheel. I have 100% that she is going to Mama Bear RAGE-defend my child from any and all scariness and negativity. Then elementary school vice-principal and counselor call me on speaker. They are a FORTRESS. They all metaphorically link arms, mount up, and tell me that they are enveloping Dey with an invisible shield of love and protection, and that they've got our backs. I am verklempt for the first time.

As for Vev's school community - his principal, his school counselor, his two most trusted teachers in middle school that I've reached out to. Do I hear anything? ..... Alas. I don't. And, of course my rational brain understands. This is all relatively breaking news, and I can't expect people to drop everything and immediately come running for me. But, I confess the Mommy Heart And Mind are a little anxious, and disappointed. I would have hoped to have heard from someone, ANYONE, that they'd gotten my message and would at least give a nod of assent that they'd do whatever little thing they could to help my kid. But - my kid is not at a warm, fuzzy elementary school anymore. He's in the Lion's Den of Middle School. Aside from it being middle school, with all the coordinating social intricacies and pressures - it is also HUGE! Over 2200 students. I think it's just a lot to navigate at every level. I am worried... and apparently, to my even greater heartache, Vev is too. He has social awareness, and he's not a baby anymore. He's very in tune with his family and friend group dynamics, and he's growing up fast - he can read between lines, and he can read silences. He's been observing the events of the last day, and I KNOW he's definitely connected plenty of dots along the way.

Over breakfast, Vev quietly asks me, "are there going to be paparazzi at my school?"

......... (heart breaking emoji)

I hug him tight, and take a moment to find some words. My head is swirling. I can't even imagine how he feels. Middle school is medieval enough without having to juggle the sickness of worrying if your grandfather is alive and well, the sympathy you're feeling towards your own parents and grandma for their anxiety, plus the social anxiety of worrying if you're friends are gonna talk about this issue to you, gossip about this, tease you about it, or if you're going to forever be branded "that kid whose grandpa went missing." Jesus. I spin for a few seconds.

Then, I woman up, and have a mom-conversation with my firstborn son, where I coach him on some responses he can say, some actions he can take. I tell him that this whole experience isn't just about his grandpa - that its an experience we are all going through, and we all have the right to feel our own feelings about it, and do whatever we want to help ourselves through it. I tell him he's allowed to say whatever he wants to say in response to people - - or, he's allowed to say nothing at all if he doesn't want to talk about it. I tell him that it is perfectly okay to tell people "Thanks for your concern, but honestly I don't wanna talk about it." That's allowed. And lastly, I say that if anything gets to be too much today, TURN YOUR WATCH ON (I don't even care if it's not allowed) and call me or daddy immediately. I will pick you up.

Not much else to do after that. I had told BOTH kids before school that day that if something happened and we had an update on their grandpa, that I might get busy that day and we'd all need to adjust as a family - so to be prepared that their Aunt Lynchpin (my close friend that I mentioned above, might be picking them up from school today and having them hang out with her till I-don't-know-when. They are agreeable to this.

It's about 5 minutes before Vev has to be dropped at his school bus that it happens. So to my relief in some ways, he got to be present for this next moment that happened. He got to take off for school that day with at least some solace and answers. My phone rings - and it is my mom. She is gushing a mile a minute. Around 8:30 am that morning, on Tuesday, October 27th, my mom gets a call from a strange number.  OMG, it was him. It was my dad.  

To be continued.