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pandorafallz · 1 year

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Vampire AU | To the Forests

Jake kept his gaze on different people as he ate. Mostly the avatar group to see which ones actually were eating. Again, the usual two weren’t. A third wasn’t but that was because he looked near asleep and inhaled the vapours of his coffee with reverence. Not a morning person.

He was still warming up a few ideas in mind but he had no access to proper data he wanted to see possible location. He was sure that…even if Reza said no to coming herself, she’d give him her Samson and claim ignorance than risk him going and stealing someone else’s and possibly getting hurt. He’d certainly needed supplies to go. He had seen vending machines about; he was sure he could get some emergency food and supplies via there or directly at the store cupboards once he knew where those were.

Still, he’d give himself a week to properly get everything gathered.

His attention turned from the table as a shadow moved into the corner of his eye, turning to see a pilot but not the one he knew.

“Hey, you Sully?”

“Uh-hum” he confirmed slowly.

The woman nodded away towards the door “The Coronel wants to see you in the amour bay. Come on.” She patted him in passing as she led the way.

Jake dropped his cutlery and rolled after her.

“I’m Trudy.” She offered as they went, though he felt a mild prickly sensation that… Augustine was watching him but he forced that from the forefront of his mind. Not his problem.

He let Trudy do most of the talking as they went, informing him about her job here, like moving the science ‘sorties’ around Pandora, passing through to the large bay where there were a ton of metal AMP Suits were lined up. Some being repaired or replaced or basic maintenance. Overly large weapons were being moved around and Jake almost got hit by a selection of Samson missiles on wheels.

“There’s your man,” Trudy gutted her chin out to a makeshift gym that was covered mostly by metal cage walls.

He fist bumped the pilot as she left then wheeled onwards to see the Coronel was bench pressing a series of weights. Almost impressive before the reminder that Pandora didn’t have the same gravity; humans would press more to get the same effect of a lesser amount. Otherwise, their bodies would get too used to Pandora and struggle when back to Earth Gravity.

Still, he had a feeling this display was for a show.

“This low gravity makes you soft,” Quaritch spoke, pushing up the last rep. “You get soft, Pandora will shit you out dead with zero warning.” Quaritch racks the bar and sits up, sweating but not winded. “I pulled your record, Corporal. Venezuela -- that was some mean bush. Nothing like this here, though. You got heart kid.” He rose to his feet calmly.

Jake considers what to say for a moment, before shrugging. “I figured -- just another hellhole.” Playing ball would certainly keep off anything on him; no one was expecting him to bail but he wasn’t going to raise any flags if he could help it.

Quaritch chuckled with some level of respect though looked past him out to the suits and made forwards. Jake rolled back to allow the Coronel to pass.

“I was in First Recon a few years ahead of you. More than a few. Three tours in Nigeria, not a scratch. I come out here; day one“ He pointed to his scarred face. “Think I felt like a shavetail louie? Yeah, well they could fix this if I rotated back. Make me look pretty again, but you know what? I kinda like it. Reminds me every day what’s out there.”

Jake chuckled humourlessly, though he could respect the man wearing his trauma how he wanted to. He rolled along towards the lift platform as the Coronel made to climb up the AMP suit’s leg.

“The avatar program is a bad joke –buncha limpdick scientist majors. However, this does present an opportunity both timely and unique. Clear!” The Coronel continued, adding the last to the mechanic to back off from the back exhaust vents.

It make Jake’s eye twitch a little at the insult towards his brother’s job and…another reminder that he was a tool. Sure, he was no scientist and would be in a different sector but this was far different to what he expected; a guard if best if he had any plans to stay.

Quaritch continued as he fit on the AMP suits gloves.

“A recon gyrene in an avatar body. That’s a potent mix. Give me the goosebumps. Such a marine could get me the intel I need on the ground, right in the hostiles’ camp.” Quaritch turned his focus fully onto Jake as he continued, “Look, Sully, I need you to learn about these savages from the inside, and gain their trust. Find out how I can force their cooperation, or hammer ‘em hard if they don’t. Maybe you can keep some of my boys from going home bagged and tagged.”

Jake dropped his gaze down for a moment, his hands tightening on his wheel bars for a moment to consider. A mole. A smart move not going for one of the scientists, they weren’t trained for it and could certainly cave to any pressure Augustine put on them if she suspected them of answering to other people.

But, being around soldiers would interfere with his bail plans.

“I still with Augustine?” Of course, being around a vampire was even harder but there weren’t as many of those around so he thought he had better chances.

“On paper. You walk like one of her science pukes, you quack like one, but you report to me. Can you do that for me, son?”

Jake nodded softly, composing himself to look convinced. “I can try, Sir.”

Quaritch moved, the huge suit shifting as he stepped out from his line. The massive suit mimicked the man’s actions as he tested out the range of motion “Look, son – I take care of my own. Get me what I need, I’ll see you get your legs back when you rotate home. Your real legs.”

Jake smiled, “That sounds real good, sir.”

“Well, alright then.” Quaritch nodded, swinging his arm down to bring down the canopy of the suit and walked off with heavy KLUNKs.

Jake’s smile vanished immediately, his eyes dropping down to his failed legs. A mole for legs. If he wasn’t committed to bailing, it may well have been a tempting offer. But that was committing a lot of time and emotional input into the Na’vi people and any failure on his part would lead to the fact the operation for his back would be taken away. They may not like humans but to get into their clan…to be trusted and to stab them in the back…. He could see that would only end poorly. For the Na’vi, they’d lose all trust in humans. Him, he’d lose his avatar. His brother’s avatar.

No, thank you.

He could live with his disability in peace at the cost of nothing. He had his avatar now, after all. He could live through that.

Jake had noticed Augustine’s colder looks which were somewhat amusing as the day went on, given she hadn’t talked to him despite knowing what transpired between him and Quaritch. She couldn’t, not without questions. He counted two others also in the program, other drivers which set his current count to four vampires.

Jake had since realised that…the vampires were doing their best to remain a secret. Not a total take-over just yet. Hence why Augustine hadn’t addressed anything with him, why they looked to put in the effort to be at the mess and… why they were using clearly forged biomarkers on their link-bed readings.

It presented an opportunity he would capitalise on. Their desire to remain secret would be his gold card to escape. They needed humans to survive, and all the humans here, he doubted would be happy to know they were on the menu. He didn’t know all their weaknesses or what was yet true against what was fictional but he had downloaded a lot more books onto his hard drives from the Hell’s Gate entertainment systems that he had missed out on.

The whiplash with interacting with Augustine in either forms was still a very jarring experience. From someone who was cold (in a few ways now) and critical but in her avatar, she was far warmer and open… looking like she had an enjoyment for life. Was she still a little snide today, yes but it wasn’t nearly so obvious as she worked and showed him about their plants in the avatar compound as they kept building up their avatar’s body.

She also gave him a fuck-ton of data-pad books and told him to get reading. He hadn’t but he kept the data pad anyway because she had given him a ton of useful information. Norm had been suckered to his side, probably on her orders to try and start learning the language but the scientist had been far too interested in the plants and telling him about them to get around to it. Jake didn’t seek him out on it either.

It took three days before things happened.

Jake had been stolen…or more accurately, he had convinced Norm to give him a load of dried seeds from a few of the fruits and vegetables from the Avatar compound garden to ‘study’. His mother’s jewellery box was open and a ton of earth seeds in little baggies were scattered about his desk as he inventoried on what he actually had.

Tom was a genius, Jake had realised when he had first really paid attention to this. Tom had planned to take all of these with him, and possibly for his own benefit as well; fresh seeds were hard to come by on earth. He had spent a lot of money to secure these, Jake had seen the amount he had paid for for a small bag of corn kernels and carrot seeds. Thousands of dollars worth of seeds now lay adorned on his bed from years of collection. Tom was a botanist; he was sure that he had a plan for them to be grown here on Pandora.

Jake hoped they’d germinate and grow here as well; if he had human food for his human body, then all he’d need to worry about is Pandora food for his avatar. Which he now had a handful of seeds for as well, also bagged and labelled so he didn’t get mixed up.

All he had to hope for now was…that this planet could actually support Earth plants. He could try a few seeds out and hope to god it worked. He made sure to download the manuals on gardening from seeds.

Jake was just putting them back into his mother’s box before there was a knock at the door.

“Come in.”

Reza stepped in, poking her head in first. “Sup. I’ve got—is that a cocoa bean?” Her sentence diverted instantaneously, coming in and immediately picking up the bag with a single white bean inside. “Oh my god, this is a beautiful sight!”

Jake twitched a little, holding his hand out for it. “If it’s possible to grow them, but I’d rather not just yet.”

“This must have been so…expensive!” She gaped, “Did he sell a kidney to get this?”

Jake gave her a tired look. “No….”

Reza looked away from the bag with a raised eyebrow. “You’re not sounding certain, Jake.” Nonetheless, she handed it back with reverence. “What else does he have?”

Jake slipped the precious bean back into the box, collecting up the remaining packets though didn’t entertain the question. “I take it you’re here for a talk, Nadine?”

She pouted a little but brought her leg up onto the side of his bed and tugged up her pant leg until her metallic leg was exposed. From her pocket, she pulled out a thin piece of metal and shoved it into the side panel and…lifted away a small section of it.

“Contraband, my dear.” She pulled out a thumb drive from the small space inside the mechanics “One stick of weed.” She winked, holding out a thumb drive.

“You keep weed in your leg?” Jake laughed because she did look to have a very small joint on the inside of the panel. “Neat.”

“A girl has to be creative with her severed limbs.” Reza sighed, “Why not for the short thrills?”

“I could do with this, thank you.” He abandoned his remaining baggies and reached for his tablet and held it out for her.

[What’s on it?] He typed.

[A virus. It’ll freeze SecOps external cameras for five minutes before the system detects it and removes it. For when we leave.] She grinned down at him as he looked at her sharply, brightening up.

Reza was going to leave with him. It made his heart skip in relief and excitement. He had better chances and company. He could relax a little bit as well. As much as he hated his limits, he could live with them and there was certainly a benefit with someone a little more able. And…well who was going to suspect a double amputee and a paraplegic escaping.

He just needed to get his avatar away first, lie through his teeth to not only security but to a vampire who would certainly know he was lying—he needed half-truths to support himself there when the questions with her present came up and blackmail to keep her off his ass. He may not have video proof nor was he looking for it but he could install some doubt and have Quaritch look into her or let them see what the group were doing to cover their asses.

Quaritch may be a hard ass but he was head of security; he’d find it a good project if he thought another department head might be ‘corrupt’ or hiding something. Jake could respect the man’s resolve to see it done.

[I’ll try and get my avatar lost once we have a location in mind. I’m planning to go to get more intel tonight.] He typed. [Get packed and ready. Get your Samson stripped of trackers and the black box ready to discard. Try and get it with extra supplies in advance.]

[Can do. But the longer we wait, we have higher chances of getting caught decking out my ship] she reminded, [a link shack isn’t easy to carry either.]

[We’ll make it work, Nadine.] He assured, reaching forwards to pat her arm.

Reza eyed him for a moment, then nodded.

Jake pondered his next move as he pushed his way from the mess one morning before he opted to find Quaritch and talk to Selfridge about his options. If it wasn’t for the fact there were people with super hearing, Jake could have suggested to Quaritch that they set up an ‘accident’ that winds up separating him from Augustine to give him a chance to run and be ‘found’ without it being suspicious on her part that there might be another alternative.

But there were people with super hearing so he had to be careful still on what he said to him. Augustine didn’t have super hearing through her avatar so he’d take advantage of the avatar’s limits on her to make something happen more naturally when they were out taking samples.

“Ah, Sully.” Quaritch’s voice echoed as he entered the control hub. “Just the guy I was hoping to see. You’re with Augustine tomorrow, aren’t you?”

Jake wheeled towards him, “Yes. First day out of the compound and into the jungle. It’ll be nice to see what the fuss of nature is all about given how much the plant nerds keep jumping about when they peek through the microscopes.” He remarked dryly. “I was hoping for a…better debrief of what’s expected of me if and when the Na’vi approach?”

Quaritch looked more interested and then nodded him along towards the holographic table though Selfridge was there, all too happy to see him getting into gear.

“That’s what I like to hear.” Selfridge grinned, “An action man. To put it straight, our mine close to Hell’s Gate is running low on ore deposits, to keep Hell's Gate running and for Earth’s needs, we need a new one. Our next best option, unfortunately, is in Omatikaya territory.” Selfridge spoke, adjusting the image to a huge tree, the 3D scans underneath showing huge veins running underneath. “Now… the best case we can do is get them to move and then no one gets hurt which is where you come in.”

Jake stared at the image for a moment, taken aback by the grand nature of the size. By the structures on the holograph, it was easy to see…it housed a huge village of Na’vi. For a tree to be this big and this big and this well established meant that the Na’vi clan that lived here had been here for generations and generations…thousands of years no doubt.

They were not going to move, short of death. No amount of convincing will even get far and even if he did follow Quaritch’s plan, they’d kill him first and give the RDA plausible reason for burning down this tree.

“That’s one…big tree. Must be thousands of years old,” He whistled, “and a lot of people.” He added, sparing a glance to Selfridge. “It’d take…a lot to even get them to move.”

“You need to figure out what we can do or offer to get them to move. We know Augustine plans for Spellman to be the next go-between given he’s a new face and fits her ideals of communication between the RDA and the Omatikaya but you’re also new and should…also be of interest should you see that opportunity arise.” Quaritch spoke, “We have dozers set to move in, an estimate of three months so you’ll have that much time once you’ve got in to gain their trust and give us a nugget.”

“I see…” He hummed thoughtfully. Three months…not a long amount of time. He knew not to cross them but…if he could help a little, then maybe that might give him and Nadine some breathing room in their territory.

“It’s either….you go in and get them to move or we forced them to move with a lot more heat. I know it looks bad killing the ingenious but there are worse things than bad press and that’s a bad quarterly statement. I don’t make up the rules here.” Selfridge waved off casually as if he wasn’t suggesting the worst possible option that would ruin and kill so many innocent people.

“We have the firepower,” Quaritch added.

“Alright,” Jake agreed, his heart twisting anxiously. “Less amount of bodies, the better. But…if I do this, I need to have a map of the areas, the dozer route, the clans and try and come up with a solution that I can offer them when I get them to go.” He asked though Quaritch looked a little less certain than Selfridge, “Sure, there’s a fuckton of trees but it needs to be as suitable as the old one, or better than the old one. It’d be better to have one not in the way of the dozers either. I don’t know shit about this planet.” He reminded.

Quaritch turned his gaze to Selfridge. “Think it’ll help that much?” but the hesitation was easy to see in his posture.

“Would you rather know your best alternative options than some new guy telling you to leave with nothing else to pull out his ass, sir?” Jake asked, adding the last to be more polite.

Selfridge hummed in agreement, “Alright but I want the tablet back by tomorrow morning before you leave. I can’t let you keep it all.”

“Oh, fair enough.” Jake agreed wholeheartedly with them. He’d see if Nadine could copy it all onto her tablet instead. He didn’t need the original, just a version.

After accepting the tablet, he wheeled off back to his bunk to study.

From the tablet, he looked through to find the abandoned link shacks and their locations first and only focused on shacks that had link beds. From there, the general locations in which they could end up at; a river or lake would be ideal. The flux vortex was a must to cover his ass. He found a viable location and memorised the coordinates.

It seemed that Selfridge in all his occupied glory had forgotten to even log out or secure the rest of the files on his data pad. The RDA Mining plans for the tree, the Bulldozer’s records and schematics and, by gods grace alone, more RDA secrets.

Also, another thing he had Nadine save as well when she had popped in briefly before he gave her his plan of action.

He had a location, he had means to leave and he had a link shack to steal as well. All he needed now was the escape. Twice.

ISV Destiny was dark.

It still thundered on with the velocity of its trajectory outside towards Pandora despite the near-empty fuel tank. The Vault pods of people remained unbothered and only one of the two Valkyrie ships remained where it was. The other was gone and signs of damage were not unnoticed but the ship was surprisingly stable.

“So, to put it bluntly….we have three months before we…crash into Pandora.” The first of the four medical technicians and engineers spoke as they eyed the monitor of the craft and mathematical model of working and compromised systems.

“We can’t stop?”

“We’re two years off course, there’s barely enough fuel to start deceleration nor power for the system to access the emergency fuel supplies or equipment.” The engineer pointed out. “We should send out a distress warning if we’re able to get an ISV to catch up and resupply in motion…we could have a chance. Or give the RDA a chance to stop us before we crash.”

“You mean to kill us?” The fourth medic piped up nervously. “We have a hundred people in cryo! And two avatars!”

“We’d all still die if the RDA did nothing, Teresa. We’re on a collision course with a huge fucking moon.”

“Shut up, Elroy.” Teresa hissed.

The second technician remained quiet as the three continued. Looking over the reports the computer system had pinged up. “We can stop in time.” She announced after a moment. “Cryo vaults are sealed so if we go back into a cryo stasis had have the backup AI aid us. We can turn off life support from the rest of the ship and redundant systems, that’ll give us enough power to access the emergency supplies and keep the AI System running on emergency systems. We’ll stop in time… but the RDA will have to send a ship for more power to activate life support and awaken us and the crew.”

“That’s very risky. We have to help monitor the avatars still.”

“No, we don’t. They’re not been on growth hormones for months; only life support that runs on the same operating system as the cryo vaults, not the ship’s life support. They’ll be fine if you change out the drug systems for a cryo drugs to reduce their metabolism intake and use effectively use the amniotic tank as its own cryo pod.” The second one spoke, typing out their method and idea for the others to check over.

The engineer spoke. “We lost a ton of fuel... We’re still at risk of over and underfiring here…”

“I know,” the second spoke, handing off the data pad to be verified by the others first. “But you’re assuming we’ll be pumping the breaks all the way and the fact we’re still a month behind than a typical deceleration pattern and timings but you’ve not accounted for the fact we were still knocked off course. We start the deceleration as typical and run a slightly tweaked variation to account for being off course and for plenty of warning of the RDA ships that may be in orbit. We’ll avoid the resupply groups.”

“The math looks right,” Elroy spoke out, as he sim red it “It could work. Our chances would be far better.”

They all looked to the first. “Teresa, you deal with the avatars. I’ll get our pods sorted. Elroy, reprogram the greeting chime to inform greeting parties when they attempt to make contact and shut down the pilot’s cryo pods from auto-activation when the manual drive is important. We don’t need them to suffocate by accident.”

“I’ll get our pods sorted,” the third spoke, pushing off down the long corridor.

“Elena, double-check that supplies are secured and run a last check over each vault before we get in. I’ll get the AI systems active on minimum power and see to deceleration has started. Each of us, packs an Exo-mask in case we’re ejected out without life support active. We can’t help each other if we’re dead.”

“Yes, sir.”

As the crew began to power down areas of the ship, the few lights they had started to go off. Areas. The engines started to kick into life as the first vault of two closed before the latter two joined them asleep.

All was quiet. All remained asleep.

Jake had half expected Augustine on his ass the moment he stepped into the bio lab, though instead she was busy and so, he didn’t seek to open the option either as he packed his Avatar’s bag pack; adding his personal tablet into it as well as and subtly adding an extra canteen of water and snacks into it before putting it on the rack to be taken off to the longhouse.

“Okay, we’re on the flight line in ten minutes, let’s get going,” Augustine called as Max jogged ahead to the link room..Her eyes turned to him for a moment, her gaze surprisingly sharp. “However, a word, Marine.”

Norm was quick to finish up his last bag and scurried ahead with a final look back.

Jake swallowed his discomforts, setting his jaw though it did occur to him that Augustine’s lips and cheeks looked far pinker than the day before; it made him queasy thinking about it so he thanked the poor bastard internally for keeping her too occupied to overhear his talking with the bosses.

“As an avatar driver, you’re in my world. Okay. I know what we’re dealing with.” She spoke intently, “We’re about to enter Omatikaya territory. I get you’ve never been in a forest so I’ll cut you some slack but I expect you to behave with a gun. No shooting everything that moves because the chances are, you’ll piss something off.”

Jake twitched a little, feeling very patronised but it certainly coloured how the woman saw him. A jarhead following orders. He’d be offended about that later. “I have common sense, Dr Augustine. I’m not as dumb as you think I am.”

“Did you read anything that I sent you?” She clipped her fingers, gesturing him towards the lab.

Jake forced himself to roll after her, irritated. “I glanced at it.” He answered snidely. “I’m not a scientist, remember. Don’t expect me to be a replacement for my brother. I’m not him.”

Her head turned, her face schooled carefully though she looked more annoyed than anything. “Clearly, but ignorance will get you and your avatar killed. If you get lost or separated, the Omatikaya will kill intruders that aren’t in a travelling group.” She warned. “Avatars and their drivers have died before.”

For a second, he thought she was hinting at him that she knew his plan, his heart lurching for a second but the words were also hardly a comfort if it was true; he was dancing with death with his avatar so he’d have to be quick to make sure to get his avatar safe. She wasn’t even looking at him as she shrugged off her lab coat and handed it straight off to the other vampire technician who didn’t bat an eye.

“Wait, died?” This was Norm, peeking above his link lid in alarm. “Who died?”

“Three years ago, two avatar drivers went missing in the Tipani territory after a clash between the Tipani and the RDA, their avatars as well. A jawbone and rib were the only human remains returned to us that indicated their deaths. Another human went missing but no remains were recovered.” Augustine spoke, her nose wrinkling a little. “René also died in the conflict as well.”

“Who?” Jake asked, pushing himself to sit in the link.

“Dr René Harper. He was…the head of the Avatar Program before Dr Augustine. Clearly, after his death, she got his position.” Norm spoke, “I…did some catch-up reading…and people gossip.” He added, noting both Jake and Augustine’s quizzical look.

“He was a good man,” Augustine spoke though this time she actually sounded genuine. “Tipani were…unwelcoming, yet he was the only one who could talk to them….be friendly with them even. I only met the clan twice. The first time, I was refused.” She shook her head, almost sad but also amused. “One day, maybe we’ll actually start talking to the clans.” Her head turned to Norm. “At least with the Omatikaya, they’ll be less likely to kill you once a dialect is established.”

Norm swallowed thickly though nodded nervously and just got into his link.

Jake remained uneasy, even as they landed in the forest, though he couldn’t deny the forest wasn’t overwhelming… the smell of soil…the plants were one thing. But…the sounds of bugs, and the chittering of animals were equally distracting. His grip on the gun was tight, but he tried not to raise it too much as they walked.

He had heard of the school; the building was run down and decaying and so he stood back to let the two collect shit for their work. He could see the effort put into the place, the books and toys even… the blackboard that still had writing on…that had bullet holes in. Behind the board, the entire blind was gone. It wasn’t until he saw Augustine lean more forwards that he noticed the scar on her back that became visible as the fabric lifted, watching for a moment how she straightened up it was near level with the bullets in the board.

“What happened here?” He asked, after a moment.

Her jaw tightened, yellow eyes narrowing intently. “You gonna help us with this equipment or not? We got a lot to do.”

Fair enough.

Delicate subject.

Jake followed along as Augustine led them through a particular route, pausing briefly to gather slice the trunk of a tree and collected it’s sap then rubbed it into her blue arms and face until it was absorbed and encouraged them to do the same to get rid of the insects and to smell like a predator; to avoid viperwolves. He made note of the tree type as he lotioned himself up.

He stood back as they worked, though it was tediously dull, Jake wondered for a moment how far he could get naturally before he was lost or found a way to make his escape. He could probably blame getting lost after wandering too far…

Jake eyed the treeline around him for a moment, though idly followed his impulse to at least explore a little. He smiled a little, still…amazed at how much life there was around him. He watched for a moment as a jelly-fish like plant seemed to float towards him. Dancing on the wind.

Curiously, Jake followed it, passing quietly through the foliage. Its body was...kinda cute, though he wondered what it’d feel like to touch. He dropped his gun as it stopped, forgetting it wasn’t strapped around him and reached his hands out, palms up for it. It drifted down coming to settle in his hands and its touches feeling like little kisses even, before he realised one thing;

Two huge fucking eyes were staring up at him through the foliage right in front of him. Hungry eyes.

[X]

#avatar #avatar au #avatar james cameron #avatar the way of water #grace augustine #jake sully #norm spellman #avatar rda #max patel #vampire au #vampire grace #vampire #trudy chacon

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aeide-thea · 2 years

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anyway totally apropos of nothing i'm just thinking abt like. i really hate DNIs that are—i mean, i could've stopped there, i really hate DNIs period, i think they're performative and useless and naive, but. i really hate DNIs that use identity as a shorthand for the (mis)behavior the poster expects from people of that identity

like there's a Respected Butch Blogger on here who years ago posted something about a man at a bus stop, idk, attempting to strike up a conversation/hit on her*, something in that line, and made some comment to the effect of like, look at me, i'm obviously a butch dyke, he should've known i wasn't available to him! and i thought at the time, and still think now—the problem here was the creepiness/entitlement of this man's behavior! nobody should be chatting anyone up at a bus stop or grocery store (real example from a past stage of my own life 😞) or other practical public venue where like‚ they're just trying to do their thing and get home! but framing the problem as instead being about, essentially, an IRL failure to respect an implicit DNI, as though someone who presented differently would've been fair game for predatory treatment—i hated that then and i hate it now

[ultimately of course it's like. people sometimes frame things in shitty ways on their perblogs when they're upset and it's good to cut them a little slack abt that... but also like. in venting veritas]

and i just like. this is a disconnected patchy sort of post but you just see people going up these ladders that are like 'i assume Men are looking at me and having Gross Disrespectful Fantasies abt me in their heads and so i don't even want them clicking a silent heart on my posts'

and ultimately everyone's entitled to set whatever boundaries they like! but it just feels to me like. tbh you're spooling out a whole Gross Fantasy of yr own abt Men when like. instead you could just set a boundary about what kinds of comments are welcome. and even from whom! but like. why are we collapsing Man into Person Who's Inevitably Gonna Behave Invasively and Disrespectfully. like when the traditional model of masculinity also says that but with an accompanying smirky thumbs-up, and then you're saying that with a thumbs-down... idk. just like. where's the vision of a better world. bc like. i thought that was actually what we were trying to open the door for, personally!

ultimately i guess it's just like, our approaches are not compatible and i shd be grateful 2 their DNIs for making that clear to me, but. i really don't see how the master's tools (framing identity as shorthand for/inevitable predictor of undesirable behavior) ever dismantle the master's house (kyriarchy)

#* i may or may not be getting this person's pronouns right‚ this whole thing is very lost in the mists of time #-----#like yeah lots of men irl DO behave shittily! but frankly the beauty of online is that you can slam the block hammer and be done #so you don't actually have to set a boundary way farther out than is necessary as a precautionary defensive measure #idk i just like. it's one thing to center certain people in yr life and decenter others #and it's another imo to go full-on barbed-wire separatist #idk just like. a whole lot bound up in this abt thoughtcrimes too. like. actually if someone privately fantasizes abt you #and you have no idea whatsoever #they're doing a good job and they should keep it up! that's called politeness and respect!#but literally some anon on OTNF the other day‚ like‚ laid out a whole thing where they were imagining other ppl fantasizing abt them #and feeling deeply uncomfortable with that #and it was like. i get it but also—what if YOU didn't spool out extensive fantasies abt these imaginary fantasizers #it's like. you're running a whole non-con exhibitionism fantasy factory and you don't even enjoy it! what if you stopped!#anyway idk. this feels like a dangerous sort of post 2 make tbh #but i just don't think separatism is actually better when it comes from the trauma of disempowerment #than when it comes from being taught to disempower and depersonalize others #both angles on it are like. you're viewing people with reductive hatred actually #idk. this could be pithier and better but. i'm tired lol #does this count as a #long post #?

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kafus · 1 year

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i wrote about my feelings over kanzaki's departure in a journal entry back when fukakai sou happened, i'm pasting the parts relevant to him now here since kaikou's mv just released. i still feel very very strongly about everything i wrote here and my feelings have not changed other than the pain settling a little bit. i'm excited for what comes next for both of them independent from each other even though it still stings

the stuff i wrote in february is long so i'm putting it below a cut. the "..." dividers are me cutting out unrelated concert stuff

kanzaki iori is the man who wrote all of the songs i have talked about at length in this journal entry. he is the man who wrote the songs that have held my hand over the past 2 years of my life, which have been some of the hardest years of my life. his words, his lyrics, have guided me through reliving my terrible childhood and guided me to slowly but surely becoming an adult despite the pain, despite the fear. to say he has had a deep impact on my life would be an understatement. he is present in all of kaf's old music - kaf has said in interviews that she is bad at expressing her emotions, but kanzaki's lyrics give her a way to express them. when she bends her voice in such a way that it makes me cry, it's kanzaki's words that she is screaming. as well as any of her own, it is his sorrow that she is expressing. i don't know kanzaki in real life, and i don't know what he struggles with, but he has said that his music is a way for him to vent his own emotions, and i do, from far away, relate to being an adult who cannot completely move on from how painful childhood was, but has to.

for a while now, it was kind of easy to tell he was in a bit of a slump. weeks ago, i realized that kaf's music was changing and probably not going back to how it used to be. the past year, during the "tsubame era" as i like to call it, kaf has not done very much music with kanzaki despite that being almost entirely what she used to sing. she has branched out, which is good! but kanzaki's trilogies had wrapped up and it seemed like he didn't know where to go next. at first, this realization really hurt me, as i held onto kanzaki and kaf's music as a duo for comfort, and this is actually what spurred me to reread the lyrics to kyoukankaku and come to some acceptance about it. that is to say, i kind of knew this was coming and i was partially emotionally prepared as a result, but barely. not being completely caught offguard eased me into accepting that it was happening, but it was still very, very difficult. i am still struggling with this somewhat as i write. it's one of the reasons i started writing this journal in the first place.

...

i took to twitter to send a message of support to kanzaki and eagerly read the note he put out about why he was leaving, with the help of DeepL and the rest of the kamitsubaki english fandom, since my japanese is not near good enough to read something of this complexity and length. it nearly made me cry again. i can only hope that kanzaki is able to rejuvenate his artistic passion and finds peace with his work as he moves down his own path. i am deeply appreciative that he was given the time and space to say goodbye to kaf during a concert and perform a couple of songs with her, that they turned his goodbye into art, because kanzaki is deeply important to everything that kaf was as a work of art, and him leaving will have massive effects on the future of kaf. he has touched so many lives. he deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated and remembered, and he deserves to be happy wherever he goes next.

...

i can't quite say that i'm "over" it yet, even though i kind of knew this was coming, and even though i experienced a sense of closure and moving forward with kyoukankaku and everything that came after. it's not that linear, it's definitely more complicated. but, i can say that it's not all sad: kanzaki and kaf will continue to make music that i love and hold close to my heart as i move into a proper adulthood and grow up, just like they taught me to do.

#kanzaki iori #kaf #kamitsubaki studio #kamitsubaki #kiki was here #kiki.txt

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avellanas-nutty-empire · 2 years

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In an attempt to attract more kalego simps to the m!lk simps discord server, here is a little thing I managed to write from my kalego x oc fic that im calling All Cacti Bloom Flowers. This peice originally came about in congregation with @snippychicke in this post (snippy wrote their own lil oneshot in there too i reccomend checking it out) thru our reblogs. But here it is again, bc I'm currently the only kalego simp in the server

What started out as occasional bafflement at your actions, swiftly yet slowly grew into agitation at the extent of which you make him feel these.... soft feelings. As the guard dog of babalis, a member of the Naberious clan, and an esteemed teacher, he has little to no experience with such things. he didn't know what to do about it all, and lately the effect you have on him has become far too meddlesome. Thats when he decided to confront Balam with this situation.

In addition to holding an interest in the school system at babalis, you had also grown fairly close with Balam - often times meeting up with him to talk about imaginary creatures, evolution, and other shared interests. Thats why Kalego thought he would be the best demon to talk to about this - that and Balam being the least likely to further irritate him with his reaction to the situation at hand like Opera or the other babalis staff would.

Balam let him vent about how troublesome your effect is, how its been affecting his train of thoughts often and frustrates him beyond end. Surely your behaviour was unusual enough to warrant some level of suspicion, and surely Kalego was not the only one being affected by you - if not to the same extent. But while your behaviour is quite unique and has had certain affects on other people, the reality was not as Kalego hoped.

“It appears to me this whole thing is starting to affect your evil cycle,” Balam started once Kalego had finished with the brunt of it.

“Indeed. That’s why I’ve come to you looking for an answer on what to do about it.” He responds, still a bit riled up from talking about it all.

“Well, I think the better question is, outside of the obvious stuff like affecting your evil cycle and train of thoughts, why do these feelings upset you so much?”

This statement Balam had presented Kalego with caught him off guard. The frustration had in fact, functioned as a wall that stopped him from addressing the core of the issue; which was the fact that you made him feel soft - a feeling that immediately triggers a warning light in his strict guard dog brain. The realization left him clutching at his head and finally taking a seat since coming in.

“…having a more soft-natured relationship with someone doesn’t necessarily make a demon weaker. In fact, it could even make one stronger.” Balam said after a while, allowing his friend to process what was currently running thru his brain. “All cacti bloom flowers.”

~~~

Kalego left that night with more thoughts than he bargained for - tho not before running into you. with a stack of papers and books in your arms, you swung around the corner and swiftly stopped yourself just before bumping into Kalego himself, who noticed the way in which you brought yourself to such a quick stop by going up on the balls of your feet and leaning backwards with the grace of a dancer.

“Oh, sorry Kalego. How is your class doing with their new workload so far?” You said, aiming for a conversation revolving around one of your interests (education). But Kalego, having just finished that conversation with Balam, was not ready for an interaction with you.

“Not right now.” He grumbled out, brushing past you.

“oh…sorry” You responded in a soft tone, anxiety starting to form. Kalego is just about always as prickly as a cactus, but your intuition was saying that this was something else; anxiety telling you that you did something wrong. Regardless, you had to give Balam the stack in your hands and thus tried to push it back as you walked into his prep room.

“Hey Balam, Profe Dali asked me to give this stuff to you.” You said, placing it down on the table. As the demon thanked you and began sifting thru the pile, you sat down as the anxiety started flow again.

“…Is something up with Kalego?” You hesitantly asked, fidgeting with the hem of your clothes. Balam looked up from the stack at you questioningly. “I just ran into him on the way here, and my intuition is telling me somethings up is all. I know that, some of the teachers have chosen to avoid telling Robin about the whole Familiar thing, but…. you’d tell me if i did something, right?”

“Well… there are somethings I don’t have the place to tell you about, but I believe that everything will turn out alright, he might just need some time first. try not to worry too much.” Balam says, ruffling your hair with a pat.

~~~

The following Monday school was cut short for a special event. The Three Greats organized a Ball every 5 or so years for the teachers and staff of their respective schools; along with anyone else who had a strong interest in working in the field of education and a recommendation to the field by someone already inside of it. The instructors of Babalis were already dedicated enough to work on improving the school for their students outside of work days, sometimes even late at night, but this Ball was a chance for the 3 different schools to commune amongst each other to discuss, learn, and develop new and different ways to improve their respective schools. Bragging and competitions breaking out was not uncommon due to the nature of demons, but the one thing they could all agree on was their duty to protect and take care of the students as they developed.

It just so happened that this year, you were in attendance as Sullivan has recommended you to the field. Your strong interest in joining the same field of work as him did not surprise Kalego, rather your attendance was a bit startling - alto he should have suspected you might show up, what with the Principals wishy-washy attitude. Your appearance tho, thoroughly surprised him. You were wearing a lilac coloured one shoulder dress, with ruffles and a hair style that made you look like a flower. You looked as soft as a petal. The soft feelings swiftly bubbled up again inside of him as he watched you walk around with Sullivan and Opera - but instead of blocking them off with frustration, this time he allowed himself to feel light and fluffy at your appearance. It felt…. nice, calming. Like pruning one of his cacti.

Since his discussion with Balam, Kalego has decided that you were worth getting closer too. Approaching you with Opera and Sullivan next to you though, was not going to happen; Kalego had other people to converse with anyways, so he could wait.

You spent a lot of time at first sticking close to the two demons who had accompanied you, both out of shyness and feeling insecure about your right to be at such an event even with Sullivan’s recommendation into the field. There was also the issue of someone finding out that you are a human, but your dress covered up enough of where a demons wing roots are located and you had spent a lot of time learning about the netherworld and demon ways; Opera and Sullivan even helped teach you how to formally dance just in case. Eventually you got confident enough to wander past your escorts, talking deeply amongst the demons - and once you had found yourself alone searching for Opera and Sullivan to join back up with them, Kalego approached you. The time was now, and he was ready.

Because while most cacti need specific requirements met, all cacti bloom flowers.

#avellanahablando #kalego #naberius kalego #kalego naberious #kalego naberius x reader #kalego naberius #naberius kalego x reader #naberios kalego

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moemammon · 4 years

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When I was in High School, my crush and I got into a fight and neither of us were talking to each other. One day I was headed up the stairwell to get to my science class, when I saw them coming up from behind... I don't think they had even noticed me yet considering that they were busy talking to their friend BUT I am slow going up stairs so even if I rushed up the stairs roadrunner style they would have caught up to me, well; the little corner that connects the steps going up to the second floor and the steps heading down to the ground floor had a large open window... and I jumped out, like I literally just jumped out. I didn't even think it through, I just saw the window and my body was like "Yep, IK what to do." I landed on a bush or tree? It's too big to call a bush but too small to call a tree, landed in a squat before my feet gave out and I fall onto my knees and got two large grass stains on my jeans knee part, couldn't walk right either after that landing, I was shaky all day lol but it was a risk well calculated bc the whole thing would have been so awkward. I mean we used to be like BFFS before the rumors began and then they started and we just stopped talking without warning, we couldn't even look at each other. Our science partners, bc we were in groups of four, literally got fed up of our bullshit bc we literally refused to acknowledge the others existence... anyway, I digress...

Anyway, this whole story is a long winded way of me requesting how the brothers would react to an MC that literally just jumps out windows to avoid awkward moments, or to dodge people that want to ask them for favors, or when they straight up want to avoid someone?

And sorry about the large ass message, but thanks for letting me vent

You have a special place in my heart, window-jumping anon. Just uhhhhhhh look down next time okay? Ily

The Demon Brothers react to GN!MC jumping out of a window to avoid an awkward moment

(Mario jumping sound effect)

Lucifer

He approached you after class to ask exactly what you were snickering at your D.D.D. about during class.

Must've been real funny if you weren't listening to your lecture, huh?

"I imagine you've somehow found something worthy of laughing about in Demonology 101?"

You do not have the guts to tell him that you and Mammon were texting back and forth, abusing a new photo editing app to alter pictures of the eldest himself.

I mean, take a wild guess about how he’d react to seeing how big you edited his head to be-

The avatar of pride lets his eyes pierce into you, like he's trying to stare a hole through your blanket of "uh"s and "um"s,

You don't exactly see a way out of this one, but you can NOT let Lucifer see your photo gallery.

So you glance to your left to the open classroom window, and do the only thing you can think of: you jump.

Luckily you're on the ground floor so you??? really didn't have to jump so dramatically. But the fact that you yeeted yourself into a bush JUST to escape has left Lucifer speechless.

Honestly? He so impressed with your dedication that he's not gonna stop you. Besides, he's gonna see you back at home anyway so-

Also thinks you might be hanging around Mammon too much because that 100% seems like a stunt he’d pull.

Mammon

GIVE GOLDIE BACK RIGHT NOW

He KNOWS Lucifer told you to bring the credit card to him, and he demands to know where it's hidden! He's positive you know where it is!

But you don't really though?? You just brought the card to him like you were asked. If anything, you're the victim here!

But Mammon isn't having that. The avatar of greed is circling around you like an angry cat, patting you all over like airport security to see if you've got his beloved card.

"Where is it, huh?! Ya really think you can steal from THE Mammon?! Even if Lucifer told ya to, who do ya think you are?!"

When he has confirmed that you don't in fact have his previous Goldie, he's now cornering you up against a wall.

If looks could kill, you would've exploded into a fine powder

And you feel like your mental strength is about to do just that. So what do you do after you notices the slightest of breezes caress your face?

You jump outta that open window, before Mammon can even finish his "Wh- Oi! What're ya-"

Even though you just face planted into the garden, you're up on your feet and making a mad dash for somewhere that wasn't here.

Mammon lets you run for ten while seconds before he's hopping out after you. You think you can outfox the Great Mammon?! Think again!!!

Levi

You... weren't interested in this movie in the slightest, but you didn't have the heart to tell Levi that. Especially not after he’d begged/harassed you for the past week about watching it with him!

Reluctantly you agreed, and now you were suffering,,,But Levi was ecstatic! This movie was a classic! Sure it was an old one and the acting was a little bad, but you could overlook that if you watched it with your heart, not your eyes!

According to Levi.

You managed to keep your eyes open for the grueling one and a half hour movie, enduring every corny line of bad acting, horrible CGI, and lame sound effects straight out of a 90s super hero movie, and now the hell was finally over...

Or so you though, until Levi followed that up by immediately pulling out a cosplay outfit worn by one of the supporting characters in the show.

Funny how it seemed specifically tailored to your measurements. Even funnier how Levi was looking at you with those damned eyes.

You knew what he wanted without him even having to say it. But one look at the gaudy outfit he presented to you made your heart burn with a sudden indescribable urge.... to escape.

Honestly you caught him so off guard by suddenly getting up and sprinting out of the room, that he makes a sound that's pretty much the noise equivalent of "?!?!?!?!?!?"

He watches you run down to the end of the hall, throw the window open, and fuckin JUMP. Pretty sure he just witnessed your death??

Also this kinda solidified his 'gross otaku' mentality, seeing as you literally jumped out of a window to get out of cosplaying with him. A simple no would've sufficed, MC.......,.,,..,,,

Hey gamers... can we get an F in the chat? 😔✌️💦

Satan

Satan lent you a book to read last week that he was sure you'd be interested in! He found it pretty interesting himself, so he wants to see if you'd like it as much as he did.

That being said, you don't have the heart to tell him that you,,, didn't read any of it. Well you kind of did, if the cover counts for anything.

You doubt he would accept that as an answer, considering how you told him how much you appreciated receiving the book, and how you'd definitely read it and let him know how it was.

So now, Satan had come into your room with two cups of tea, ready to settle down and have a nice, long talk about your thoughts on the riveting plot that you promised you would indulge in.

"I'm really glad you decided to read it. I found that the protagonist reminded me a lot like you. I'd like to know what you thought about it."

Satan sets down the tea cups, and one sip tells you that he brewed it exactly the way you like.

His expression is eager and warm as he waits for you to begin gushing about just how deeply the story touched you... how absolutely moved you are by the sheer majesty that was the book he lent you...

Okay yeah, you're sweating bullets. You can't imagine how the sparkly eyed avatar of wrath would react to learning that you chose the company of your D.D.D. over Satan's book.

You don't have such an ice cold hard that you can just crush this book nerds dreams like that! And every time you look at his expectant face, the weight of your crimes weigh heavier on you until... you break.

Satan watches in shock and awe as you almost perfectly reenact the big scene where the main character leaps out of the window of a building rigged to explode, before making their escape. And you did just that.

Wow.. he never thought you could be so moved by a story, but he completely understands...

Asmo

How many outfits, Asmo. HOW MANY OUTFTITS WILL IT TAKE TO APPEASE YOU?

He's made you model TWELVE outfits so far, and you swear if you see another ascot, you're gonna lose your mind.

Asmodeus doesn't seem to notice the way the light slowly fades from your eyes, because he's pulling out outfit number thirteen with that cheery smile of his.

"Isn't this one absolutely adorable? Look, this part will look lovely around your waist! This part here hugs your body in all the right places, and this-"

You can't do it. You've gotta get out of here. You'd love to stand around and get mild rug burn from trying on a billion different clothes, but-

Actually no you wouldn't.

You DID promise Asmo you'd hang out with him today, but this wasn't really your idea of a good time.

"-Oooh, just thinking about it makes me want to eat you up~! Here, put it on for me, will you? I'll give you a kiss as a reward!"

You would do no such thing.

You make a mad dash for his ornate window and push it open. He has no time to stop you as he helplessly watches you vault yourself out like the room was on fire.

"MC?! Wh-where are you going?? Come back here! Grass stains are impossible to get out of that fabric!!!"

Beel

He means well. I swear he does. It's just that Beel can be a little... overbearing when he's worried about you. He cares, okay?

But he hasn't seen you eat anything all day! You tell him it's because you've got a stomach ache from who knows what, and you promise you've had little snacks here and there to keep from starving, but he can't accept that!

Eating is important, and you need it to survive. So Beelzebub was currently trying to nudge your mouth open with a pizza slice, while you vehemently refused. "Just one bite. And then another after that. You have to eat, or you'll go hungry... and I don't want that."

Beel knows the true pain of being hungry, and he’d never wish that on you! So just forget about your stomach ache for two seconds and open up-

Not that you really can. The aroma of that pizza was not sitting well on your stomach, and you were pretty sure you needed a fast escape or you'd risk losing your lunch. Greasy foods didn't exactly mix well with sour stomachs...

Beel still won't let up. He has a strong hand planted firmly on the small of your back, as if trying to prevent you from leaning back any further in your attempt to escape the pizza.

"If you eat this, I'll treat you to dessert at Madam Screams," he says, as if bribing your refusal of food USING food will somehow work out.

You can't break his heart, but you seriously can't eat that! Your head is spinning, thoughts racing, face becoming greasier and greasier from the pizza pressed against it, and-

You snap. In a sudden burst of strength you break free from Beel's grasp, and sprint toward the nearest window. All you see is your chance for freedom, and you're taking it.

You leap out and tumble into the ground, all while Beelzebub wonders what?? Just happened???? Did you really hate pizza that much...?

He never knew you were such a picky eater... To think you'd go so far as to jump out of the window though...

Belphie

You thought it was cute at first, when Belphegor wanted you to join him for his naps. And you didn't mind much. It was the weekend, you were tired, and he makes a pretty good body pillow.

But you didn't realize he planned for this to become an everyday thing. The youngest might not act it, but he sure could be spoiled.

But seriously, if you slept any longer, you might never have a normal sleep schedule again! It never occurred to you just how often Belphie sleeps.

He's definitely not human, because there's no way you can keep up with that, and maintain a normal lifestyle.

But the way he quietly, gently grabs your sleeve to cue your next nap session makes your heart clench. Why was it so damned hard to say no to this gremlin??

You were trying your best though, but the words always seemed to get caught in your throat. Belphie picked apart your excuses, doing everything in his power to take you back to the attic.

"You can study when you wake up." "Mammon wants to go shopping? Reschedule." "Lucifer told you not to be late to the board meeting? Just hide."

You're starting to get sucked into the sleepy lull of his voice, and it feels like your entire body is becoming heavy with fatigue. But no.... you resist!

Since there's no escaping this through words, you have to think fast. Fortunately, your fast thinking has led to an amazing solution!

Jump out of the window, baby

Belphie is just??? Did you fuckin???? Are your legs okay??????????????

He probably stops asking you to nap with him for a while, since you're willing to almost break your legs just to get out of it. You're gonna make him have weird dreams....

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enderparty101 · 2 years

Text

”FINAL SONG OF THE NIGHT! GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!”

(This was started in a Tethertale server stream, but I finished it offscreen due to anxiety XD)

Y’know.. what to say in a livestream, being too personally quiet unless there’s other talkative people in the voice chat, taking too long in the drawing process, and being easily overwhelmed in general. I wish HARD that this entire thinking process didn’t blast my mind every time I start a freaking livestream, but here we are. Unless it’s purely doodles, I might not streams these kinds of things anymore. Of course, this is the present me saying it. All of this might flip on its head in the future.

And of course, there’s also me wanting to talk about things I’m hyper fixated on and my inspirations behinds these characters, but I know more often than not that many wouldn’t be interested in it. That’s natural. It happens, though that’s never to say it doesn’t effect me..

I guess that’s why I draw the Mettatons so much. It’s easy for me to imagine being like them, not worrying a single minute of what it’d be like without being autistic... Not to mention that I’ve preferred more and more to work on my Tethertale content than the skelebros. Simply put? There’s thousands of things created for Sans and Papyrus, Underverse, AUs, things surrounding them already. I thank those who’ve enjoyed what I’ve contributed in terms of that. Reading the comments and connecting with others through it will never not bring a smile to my face.

But I do wanna do things outside of that. There’s thousands of skillful creators already doing that, and I encourage everyone to explore them all! Personally though? Drawing those comics (even Suho and Wally) have brought tremendous anxiety onto me. I’d constantly think: Am I getting this right? Does this look weird? Am I respecting the original creators behind this character? Is my interpretation too OOC and such? (To answer that, I already know my past Horror Sans interpretation was OOC as HELL. Sorry Sour Apple Studios XD) I’d always think about that when making that content… And then the thing about drawing the skeletons’ noses too big? That’s weighed on me to this day, too. Back then I’d bark my mouth off about it being “jUSt My aRtsYle!”

…it’s a major yikes on my end. And now, y’know, I know better, and I’m still growing past that stingy habit. Eh. ALL of this just built up over time to the point of me not wanting to draw Marrow Manor content anymore. I’m still developing Suho and Wally in the background, but those same questions earlier stated pricked away at me, too..

As well as that? I think I should’ve stated WAY far at the beginning of sharing Tethertale that I want my intended audience for it to be late teens and up. It’s not because of what’s usually seen in NSFW (and to this day I’ll keep that content OUT of my own art oof-). It’s just that whenever I wanna draw scary/gorey stuff and/or darker topics, I feel unable to due to how many younger people see my art. I’d get uncomfortable with that… As for the audience intended? I’ll keep placing content warnings for you guys just in case, of course!

….all this to say to you guys, HELL no I’m not staying away from Candy Chronicles. Yanbunny’s still my son XD. But I’ve needed a break from the AUs outside of Tethertale, if the absence of said AUs on my account lately didn’t convey that. At least with Tethertale characters themselves, I know them inside and out because I created them. If I wanna be cringe with ‘em, there’s WAY less anxiety to do so… Now, uh, how does one end this vent- 😂

✨ANYWAY ENJOY THIS DRAWING✨

#tethertale #undertale #undertale au #tekuno #dj exie #tyrus rockwell exie #tenor #times new roman #megafont #animyne #tethertale fusions

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dollslayer · 3 years

Text

Champagne Problems

Bartender!Bucky x Reader

Summary: When your ex-boyfriend makes a surprise appearance at your sister's wedding you find help from an unexpected source.

W/C: 4,642

Warnings: NO MINORS, Smut, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected sex, swearing, alcohol consumption

A/N: Hey! I know it's been a minute (sorry), I wrote this for @saiyanprincessswanie's writing challenge using the bartender au! If you like this please reblog and comment and check out my other fics!! Cheers!

Main Masterlist

You sighed internally before slapping on a smile for yet another group picture. Your bridesmaid dress was itchy and you already regretted spending the entire night in it, as the reception was just starting. But it was your sister’s day and you decided that if what she really wanted was for you to wear this itchy monstrosity to honor her wedding then damn it, you’d do it. So you leaned in close with the rest of the wedding party and posed some more.

When the photographer had finished with his photos you were ushered to the family table and wedged between your mother and your aunt. You mentally cursed your sister for seating you with them because they were going to spend the entire night trying to set you up with someone while simultaneously lamenting that you’d dumped your boyfriend of 4 years just a month earlier. Your mother wanted grandchildren so badly, you didn’t know why she couldn’t just settle to get them from your sister.

“Sweetheart, you and Steve were so good together though! Remember when he surprised you at Christmas with that puppy? I don’t know how you let a man like that go…” Your mom chided.

You grabbed the attention of a passing server and grabbed the champagne off their tray. If you were going to have this conversation again you needed liquid courage to do so. You downed it in three sips and your mom scoffed at you.

“Mom, we've been over this. I didn’t ask him to do that, we agreed we weren’t ready for a dog. Ugh, oh my god, anyways, we just didn’t work together. Sometimes things don’t work out, Mom. You’ll still get grandkids, just not from me.” You patted her on the shoulder but she just pursed her lips and looked past you to your aunt.

You wanted nothing more than to get wasted but you couldn’t do that to your sister. You wouldn’t get blackout drunk, but you were definitely getting drunk tonight. The reception was being held in a hotel and the wedding party had a block of rooms reserved so it’s not like you had to drive. You just had one thing to do before you did that.

The moment you’d been dreading had finally arrived, the toast. You held your freshly topped-off glass of champagne and brought your fork to it to get everyone’s attention. Someone handed you the mic and you hesitated before taking it and nervously cleared your throat.

By what you assumed could only be the grace of God you managed to deliver the perfect toast about finding the right person and soulmates and anything else you might find in a hallmark card with only minor stumbles. Everyone clapped and your brother-in-law wiped a stray tear and everyone finally dug into dinner. You just hoped that would mean your mother would be quiet about Steve for the next 20 minutes and then you could escape to the open bar.

____

You almost made it through dinner scott-free and sat back to watch your sister’s first dance. Just when you thought you were in the clear it was your aunt that threw a wrench in your plans. She was three glasses of wine deep and had that glassy look in her eye when she grabbed your elbow and pulled you closer. She spoke to you in a low voice while trying not to fumble her words.

“Listen kiddo, I know your mom is hard on you about Stevie but she just wants what’s best for you. What you two had… it was so good even I liked him! I don’t like anybody y’know that. So.. so why don’t you jus’ give ‘im another chance, make your mom happy? Couldn’t be that bad, could it? Maybe he’ll even… surprise you”

You mentally blocked out her words halfway through her speech, hoping neither of you would remember it by the end of the night. Right now you just had to get her to stop so you could get away from the table. You didn’t think you could take one more second of being shamed for leaving Steve.

You smiled sweetly and nodded in understanding towards her words.

“I know, Aunt Linda. I know. Sometimes things happen, I love mom but I’ll find someone else.”

With that you patted her on the shoulder and took off in search of the bar.

There were two bars and you wanted to go to the less crowded one. Looking around you had spotted it just past the dancefloor and made a beeline. Weaving through the now open dance floor and escaping the invitations to join your family you finally made it and leaned heavily against the countertop with a sigh.

“Rough night?” Your eyes follow the gruff yet amused voice and find that it belongs to a very handsome man with a defined jaw, clear blue eyes, and long hair that was tied back.

You smiled and rolled your eyes.

“You don’t know that half of it. Nothing like a wedding to remind you how single you are” You joked.

“Ah. Yeah, that’ll do it. That’s rough. You look like you need a drink, what can I get you?”

“Dealer’s choice. Just no vodka.” You requested.

He smirked and nodded, perusing the lines of bottles that were in front of him. He bit his lip as he concentrated on what to make and you tried not to stare. You watched him get to work on your drink and couldn’t help but notice the way you could see his muscles move underneath his dress shirt.

He turned back around and proudly presented you with something fizzy in a highball glass.

“My own concoction, I even used the non-watered down liquor. Just for you” He says with a wink.

You try your best to hide your shy smile and accept the drink.

“Thank you, how sweet of you.” You tell him.

“It’s nothin’. So how’s a gal like you single? If you don’t mind my asking. Seems pretty impossible to me.”

You're caught somewhere between flattery and embarrassment and just hope it doesn't show on your face. You take a long sip of your drink and gear up to answer him.

“Well, I just got out of a 4 year relationship, actually. He’s really sweet but he always had a tendency to steamroll my needs and just do whatever he was going to do. Eventually that shit adds up.” You sigh.

“Like for example - last year we had talked about getting a dog and I said I wasn’t ready, we’re just both way too busy and then on Christmas day he shows up with this puppy! And then I’m the villain for telling him no! The puppy ended up going to a good home but he did stuff like that all the time. It just became too much. Anyways now my mom won’t get off my ass about leaving him.” You shook your head.

“A puppy? Wow, that’s… intense. That’s a lot, I’m sorry. You finish that drink and I’ll pour us both a shot” He laughed.

You nodded in agreement and downed the rest of the cocktail. He held up two shot glasses and extended one to you.

“A toast, to… wait. I don’t even know your name!”

His shoulders shook as he laughed and he answered you.

“I’m James but you can call me Bucky” You made a face at that.

“What kinda name is Bucky?” You asked before giving him your own name.

“Whatever, I’ve got two shots of tequila, you want one or not?” How could you say no?

“A toast,” You continued, “To you and your weird name, Bucky.”

He laughed and you clinked your glasses together, then against the counter before downing them in one go. You tried your best not to make a face and looked up at Bucky to find him extending you the lime chaser, which you took gratefully.

“Hoo… I could use like, 3 more of those to get through tonight. So, how’d you get into bartending?”

“I needed somethin’ to put me through school and I figured this beats stripping. Though, with some of the customers we get sometimes I’m not so sure”

You laughed at that and Bucky went on to tell you anecdotes of all the crazy people he’s had to serve, disastrous weddings, and the time he got a lapdance from the bride herself. You hadn’t even realized how much time had passed but you were enjoying talking to him, forgetting your mission to be drunk.

The two of you kept swapping stories and were getting to know each other a bit more. He let you vent about Steve and just listened, it was refreshing to talk to someone and not be told what it is that you should be wanting. When you pictured the night you didn’t picture yourself confiding in the bartender tonight but if you were honest you were enjoying yourself. It beat awkwardly dancing with your family and enduring more disappointed remarks from your family.

You had hoped you could hide out at the bar and spend the entire night unscathed when the double doors to the ballroom opened. Your heartbeat in your ears as time slowed down around you as a blond head of hair made its way through the archway. Your laughter died in your throat when Baby blue eyes found you across the room and you froze like a deer in headlights. No. Nononononono this isn’t happening.

Time has somehow come to a halt while simultaneously hurtling forward since you can’t get yourself unstuck from this moment yet fail to realize that Steve is now standing right in front of you. His hair is swept back perfectly and he flashes you that million dollar smile of his that shows off his dimples perfectly. You scold yourself for checking him out but damn did he always clean up nice.

“Hey, sweetheart” he says shyly, as if he’s not crashing your sister’s wedding to get with you.

“What…? What are you doing… here?” You ask quietly, trying to avoid a scene.

Before he can answer you your mom comes up behind Steve and squeezes his shoulders tight, all with a big, bright smile on her face. Of course. How did I not see this coming?

“You made it!” She exclaimed as she leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Of course, sorry to have missed the ceremony but there’s still plenty to celebrate, right?” He asked with his signature boyish smirk.

Shock was still in full effect on your features as you stood stock still. But that shock was soon giving way to anger as you slowly pieced together everything that was happening. Your mom had brought back Steve to try and get you back together and Steve was steamrolling you again.

“I… I, can��t. I can’t-” You started

“Sweetheart, how many of those have you had? You need some water.” Steve motions to the drink in your hand and you feel the anger running through your veins about to take over. You have to move this out of the room. Now.

“Why don’t we move this to the hall?” You suggested quietly.

You didn’t give him a chance to respond before you started moving towards the exit but you did spare one last panicked glance towards Bucky. He looked confused and his brows were quirked in a way that made him look upset, almost. You sent him a pleading look before turning back around and preparing yourself to deal with this shitshow that had slowly unfolded before you.

Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Hold. You got this. Your hand begins to push the door open when Steve’s much larger one covers yours and gets the job done. An action that you once would’ve thought was sweet, one that you would’ve made you swoon, even, is currently pissing you off.

You two made your way to the hallway and you looked around before you started in on him.

“Okay, what the hell, Rogers? Crashing my sister’s wedding? Really?! I don’t give a shit if my mom put you up to this I-”

“Sweetheart, please. She thought you might be having second thoughts and maybe us seeing each other would… patch things up. We just want what’s best for you, sweetheart” Steve attempted to console you, reaching out to try and rub your arm but you pulled back.

“No! I am so sick of you running me over! You never listened to me or what I had to say and this is exactly why I broke up with you, Steve! You’re being so fucki-”

“Hey, babe, everything okay out here?” Bucky’s voice surprised you but not as much as his lips pressing a kiss into your hair and his arms wrapping around your waist.

You had to crane your neck to look back and up at him. It took all of two seconds for you to piece together what you’d hoped was the truth. Bucky raised his eyebrows at you as if to say “come on” and in all your desperation you went with it. You supposed that his formal uniform made him pass for a regular guest.

“I, ah, yeah, yes. Steve here was just leaving, right?” You asked him.

Steve raised his eyebrows in a stunned expression, mouth slightly open in disbelief. His hand reached out towards your shoulder but Bucky pulled you back gently.

“Doll, are you serious? Who even is this guy? Does your mom know about this?”

“No, she doesn’t. It’s… new…” You told him.

“Right,” Bucky cuts in, “It’s new so we weren’t telling anyone just yet but she figured I should at least be here for the reception”

“Seriously?” Steve scoffs, “Man bun? What does he have that I don’t? C’mon, you know what you and I have is real.”

“What you and I have is over, Steve. You never listened to me, always pushed me further than I was ready for. We’re done, it’s over. I’m sorry for whatever Mom told you”

Steve took a harsh breath inwards and you watched him try to decide whether he should walk away or blow up. Based off of the veins popping in his forehead, he was opting to blow up.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re up to but-”

“She said it’s over, punk. Move along” Bucky cut in. He took a protective step in front of you and pushed his shoulders back, squaring up to Steve. Steve seethed quietly and you two exchanged very tense glances.

“I’m telling your mother about this. I doubt she’ll be happy to hear you brought some random person to your sister’s wedding.” Steve spat.

He walked past the two of you and bumped shoulders harshly with Bucky. Bucky’s jaw tensed and his grip on your waist tightened but he didn’t retaliate. Instead he took a step back to get a proper look at you.

“You okay?”

“Why did you do that? You didn’t have to.”

“I know, but you looked like you could really use the help.”

“Well… thank you. I appreciate it, more than you know. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you weren’t there.” You laughed to yourself a little and added, “We’re not even together 5 minutes and you already have all my emotional baggage”

Bucky laughed at that and shook his head.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. I’ve got some crazy exes too. So what now? You going back in?”

You became a little flustered at that but moved past it with a sheepish grin.

“No,” You shook your head, “I think it’s best for everyone if I just go up to my room and avoid a whole scene.”

“Well at least let me walk you up. I wouldn’t put it past that creep to follow you.”

“What about the bar?”

“We’re overstaffed and the party’s winding down anyways. They’ll get on without me”

“Alright then” You accepted and started off towards the elevators.

You two were standing in the elevator waiting for the doors to close when you spotted the doors to the ballroom open. Your mother was looking around, her face a picture of anger. Lucky for you the doors closed before she could look in your direction and you let out a sigh of relief.

“You know as far as fake boyfriends go I’d say you’re pretty good”

“Just good? C’mon I had that guy on the ropes.”

“Yeah alright,” You relented with a grin.

You exited the elevator car and made your way down the hallway until finally you reached your door. You fished your keycard out of your wallet and turned to Bucky.

“Hey… do you wanna… maybe come in? Hang out? I know you’ve got work but if you’re overstaffed maybe…” You trailed off. There was a beat of silence and you felt regret instantly, thinking you’ve asked too much of him. “Y’know what nevermind, you don’t have to, I’m sorry I-”

“I’d love to hang out with you, if you’re okay with that. Plus it’s probably better I wait to get back until the wedding’s over. Can’t really show my face as your boyfriend and then get back behind the bar, can I?” He said with a soft smile.

“Suppose you’re right,” You swiped the card and cracked open the door.

You stepped inside and felt like you could finally breathe again. You kicked off your heels and went to turn on the lights. You reached back to get the zipper of your dress but couldn’t quite get there.

“Will you get my zipper?” You asked Bucky. He nodded and came closer to you.

You could feel his warmth radiating from him when he was this close. Your nostrils filled with the heady scent of his aftershave. He smells so good. He unzipped you halfway and left the rest for you.

You thanked him and grabbed your change of clothes and headed to the bathroom. Relieved to finally be free of the itchy monstrosity of a bridesmaids dress you sighed and put on a tank top and pair of shorts. You realized the tank top showed a little more of your cleavage than intended but you shrugged it off and exited the bathroom.

Bucky’s eyes landed on you and he took a sharp breath in but tried to play it cool. It half worked, you caught him staring a little bit and giggled to yourself. When you looked at him again he was undoing his tie and the first two buttons of his shirt. Wonder what he’d look like if he unbuttoned just a few more… You stopped yourself in that line of thinking and joined him on the couch.

“I think your phone’s gonna zap itself into an early grave with the way it’s been going off” Bucky said as he pointed to your phone on the table.

You picked it up to find you had several missed calls from your mother, one from Steve, and one very long text message from him that was already inducing a headache. You opened it, forgetting you had read receipts on. Oops. You weren’t going to read this now in front of Bucky, so you shut it off and put it aside.

“So how are you feelin’?” He asked.

“Better now that I’m out that damned dress. As for my family, they'll get over themselves. I don’t know why who I’m dating is such a big deal to them anyways.”

“You do look more comfy now that you’ve changed. If you don’t mind me sayin’ you’re just as gorgeous now as you were all dolled up”

You felt heat flood your cheeks instantly and eked out a thank you. You and Bucky talked for an hour more or so and in that time you’d found yourself nodding off with your head on his chest. On instinct he brought your whole body closer to him and put his arm around you. If you were less sleepy you’d be embarrassed but right now you didn’t care.

Bucky had moved slightly and inadvertently jolted you awake. You shot up and realized that you’d cuddled your way into Bucky’s side and now the embarrassment was catching up with you. You instantly scooted back to give him some space.

“Sorry, I uh, didn’t mean to cuddle you” You said while avoiding his gaze.

You felt a hand on your thigh and finally looked up to find him smirking at you.

“I didn’t mind it. It’s getting late though, I should get back.”

You were slightly disappointed but nodded your head. You rose and followed him to the door. He went for the handle but turned around when you grabbed his hand. He stepped away from the door and was in your personal space. You looked up at him with a shaky breath.

“Thank you, again, for what you did. It was really sweet of you.” He smiled down at you and brought one hand to your face. Oh God, I didn’t prepare for this. Your heart was beating just a little harder as you looked into his clear blue eyes.

“For you? Anytime. I had a really fun time with you tonight.”

“Me too.”

With that his other hand came up to cup your face and he kissed you sweetly. It wasn’t until you kissed him back that he pulled away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, I don’t wanna make you uncomf-”

You grabbed him by the shirt collar and brought him in for another kiss. This time more demanding but just as sweet. He let out a small moan and you swear you could’ve melted. His tongue explored your mouth while his hands moved their way down your body and brought you even closer to him. You could feel that he was hard and it only made you want him more.

Without breaking the kiss you started to move backwards towards the bed until finally you were just at the edge of it. You broke apart for air and searched his eyes only to find his pupils blown wide in lust. You cupped him through his pants and he groaned. He was big. Maybe even bigger than Steve.

“We don’t have to do anythin’ you don’t want to do,” He breathed out. You shook your head and kissed him again.

“I want you, I’m sure.” You panted out.

“I don’t have a condom”

“Doesn’ matter, I’m on the pill” You told him. With that his hands were up your tank top and you’d helped him to remove it. He worked on his shirt next and while he fumbled with the buttons you took off the rest of your clothing.

Bucky was every bit as devastating as you’d thought he’d be and you let out a genuine sigh. His toned muscles rippled throughout his arms and torso and you watched him remove his boxers and you’re not entirely sure your jaw hadn’t dropped. He noticed you gawking and chuckled as he leaned down to join you on the bed.

“See somethin’ you like?”

He didn’t give you the chance to answer though, he pushed you backwards onto the bed and kissed you again, this time trailing his kisses all the way down your body. He stopped and took his time to admire each of your breasts, licking and biting your nipples. You’d gasped in surprise and pleasure. He moved his way down finally to your pussy and looked up at you.

“Can I? You could only nod and let out a shaky breath as you sat up on your elbows and watched him get to work. He kissed and caressed your thighs until finally his fingers were prodding at your entrance. He groaned at how wet you were and pushed two fingers in. You let out an obscene moan and your hands went into his locks. His tongue lapped at your clit before he sucked on it, all the while pumping his fingers in and out of you in search of your G-spot.

You’d pulled his hair out of his bun and guided his tongue where he needed to be. Finally getting the right angle you were whimpering in pleasure, back arched almost to a point of pain. He’d finally found the spot he’d been looking for and your eyes shut closed in pleasure.

“Please,” you begged, “Please don’t stop I’m so close”

You pushed his head harder against you and his fingers sped up. It was only a matter of moments until your toes were curling in pleasure and you writhed on the bed in the aftershock of your orgasm. Bucky continued to lap away at you until you pushed him off. He came back up to eye level with you and had a wolfish grin.

“Who knew you’d make such noises? God it was so hot”

You pulled him in for another kiss and reached down to grab his cock. You pumped it a few times before you moved down to return the favor when he stopped you. You looked up at him with brows pinched in concern.

“Don’ worry about me, I just wanna feel you”

He moved you beneath him and you spread your legs apart for him. You were still sensitive in your post-high when his tip brushed your clit but you didn’t mind the bolt of pleasure. He aligned himself with your entrance and looked you in the eye as he pushed all the way inside of you slowly. You let out an involuntary moan, trying to accommodate his full length.

“You good?” He asked.

“I’m good, you’re just...big” He smirked at that.

“Can I move or do you need a second?”

“No, you can move, please move.”

One hand on your hip and the other on your breast he started thrusting in and out of you at a steady pace. You swore you could feel every bump and ridge of him with every inch he put into you. His pace picked up and he kissed the column of your neck, finding the one spot that drove you crazy. Your small mewls turned to full moans and he began fucking you harder.

“‘M not gonna last much longer” He told you. You didn’t say anything in response, just brought him in for another kiss and grabbed a handful of his ass to push him further inside you. He chuckled at that and took the hint.

He was going the hardest he had so far and you were holding on for dear life and loving every minute of it. His panting breaths were heavy in your ears and you reached down to toy with your clit so you’d cum together. His thrusts were getting a little sloppier and your hand moved faster, quickly approaching both your peaks. He let out an almost pornographic moan as he came, He fucked you through his orgasm and not a moment later you came for a second time. Your bodies melded together as you rode out the last waves of each other’s orgasms.

Finally Bucky stopped and held himself with one hand, trying to catch his breath. You were slightly dazed, trying to compute how your night had ended up like this. Bucky rolled over onto the bed and you felt the mess between your thighs. You looked over to him with a hazy smile.

“So, I know we’re doin’ things a little backwards here but, maybe I could take you out some time? If you want?”

Your smile grew even wider and your heart felt so light in this moment.

“I’d like that”

You didn’t know what tomorrow would hold or how to even begin cleaning up the mess with your family. You’d deal with it all in the morning, for now you’d just bask in the afterglow with your fake boyfriend and be grateful for chance meetings.

#missys writing challenge #bucky barnes x reader #bartender!bucky #fake dating #marvel fic #marvel au #marvel x reader #smut #bucky barnes fic #fluff #slight angst

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lilysdaydreams · 4 years

Text

Praise Bingus (No fucking way)

→ I do not claim to know corpse- therefore please don't think that this is what he would actually act like, or that any details about his life are actually true. this is fiction.

→ Pairing: Corpse Husband X Fem!Reader

→ Genre: Angst and fluff. (FLUFF IS COMING I SWEAR)

→ Words: 3.9k

→ In a world where everyone is born with a mark on their wrist, two souls come together over the power of bingus.

→ (this isnt crack lol)

→ Warnings: Lots of swearing, um self-depreciation? rejection (kinda) and negative thoughts overall. Sorry im new to warnings.

→ Authors Note: this is the first time im doing like angst so please tell me if I did well? Um also, I’ve already started on the part 2 so keep your eyes out for that. If you wanna be tagged for part two please comment and lemme know. Also check out my other fics if you want!

→ Buy me a coffee

Part two →

~~~

Soulmates were a phenomenon. They'd been there for ages, drawn into the Egyptian tomb paintings, seen in the cave paintings from millions of years ago, talked about in stories passed down from generation to generation. They could be matching drawings, first words, names; all black before the soulmates met and turning gold the moment they talked to each other. There wasn't a scientist in the world who could explain the phenomenon.

You'd received your mark at birth just like everyone else, a sentence running around your wrist,

"No fucking way."

Your parents weren't that happy when you asked at the age of 4 what "fucking" meant but it wasn't that bad. You were happy that you had something unique, something other than the "Hi," or "Excuse me," that was on every other arm.

When you were 13, a little girl on the train pointed to your wrist and asked her mom what it meant. Ever since then, you'd taken to wearing bracelets over it. This had turned out to be a good idea because a few years later you started making Youtube videos. At the age of 16, you started a Youtube channel where you focused on a variety of things; makeup, fashion, games, art, skits and a whole lot more.

At the age of 20, you had a steady following of a little more than a million subscribers, and you had moved to LA to be closer to all your Youtube friends. You hadn't just grown on Youtube, you'd also started a lot of side projects. You were known for the art that you did on the side, along with the makeup palette you'd come out with a year ago. Soon you were planning to release a merch collection, one that you had been working on for a whole year now.

You hadn't met your soulmate at this point but honestly, you didn't really mind. Balancing Youtube and study (along with all your other side projects) was hard. There was no need to add the struggle of love into it... Or that's what you told yourself anyways.

There were days though, days where you wished you had someone to hug, someone to cuddle in bed with, someone to go on long walks with. You didn't let yourself wallow on it that long though. Crying about it was gonna do absolutely nothing.

It started on a rainy day. The story of you and him. You were editing your soon to be uploaded video, an e-girl outfits lookbook, which had been requested by your followers. Your personal style was all over the place and your previous soft girl and cottage care look books had done well, so you decided to continue the series.

You eyes blurred as you looked at the same point of the video, and you sighed, removing your glasses and rubbing your eyes. Your editor was sick and had let you know that they wouldn't be able to edit it by the deadline so here you were, editing it yourself. You stretched in your chair letting out a yawn. You were contemplating on whether to make coffee or not when your phone pinged.

"Nooooo" you whined when you noticed it was on the coffee table that was just a little out of your reach. Stretching your foot out, you tried to grab it between your toes and then sighed when the phone fell.

"I have zero luck, I swear" you muttered to yourself, bending to pick up the phone.

The text was from Rae, asking you to join a game of Among Us. You and Rae had been friends for a bit now, which all started when she came across your art and decided to order something from you. You had chatted and clicked immediately, immediately becoming fast friends. Ever since the lockdown started, she often asked you to join in on Among us games and your friendship had really grown over these past few months.

You sent a quick "sure!" and then went to your table, waiting for the PC to turn on. Quickly tweeting out that you were streaming, you opened up Youtube and turned on the stream, saying a quick hello and letting them know what you'd be doing.

"Rae just invited me guys, I don't really know who's there," you mumbled, replying to a comment asking you who you were playing with.

You squinted your eyes, joining the voice chat and then opening your phone camera to quickly check that you didn't look horrible. Sure you didn't really care about how you looked but it was always good to check that you didn't have anything stuck between your teeth before you turned on the camera.

There was already a conversation going on, between who you thought was Corpse and Sykkuno, judging by their voices.

"Yeah I could totally do that. Get a cat and name it Bingus. I wonder if th-"

You gasped when you heard what they were talking about and unmuted yourself immediately yelling "PRAISE LORD BINGUS" and effectively shocking everyone in the chat.

A moment of silence and then Rae yelled: "OH MY FUCKING GOD Y/N, YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME."

You giggled as everyone groaned and whined, saying hi as they realised who it was. You had played with Sykkuno and the others a few times before but you'd never met Corpse before. You'd heard his voice though, as he was trending on twitter constantly over the past few weeks. Once they all quietened down, you realised Corpse hadn't said anything. Since you knew everyone else in the lobby, you introduced yourself, wondering if you'd scared him a bit too hard.

"Hey Corpse, I'm Y/N from Y/C/N, its so nice to finally meet you," you said gritting your teeth at you awkward introduction. For a second there was no response and then three words were said that made your jaw drop to the floor.

"No fucking way"

He had whispered it, obviously still in shock, and your eyes widened in surprise as a tingle spread all over your body. So this was what everyone meant by "you'll just know," when you asked them about how you would recognize your soulmate.

"Holy shit" you thought frozen in your seat.

Never had you been more glad that you hadn't turned the camera on yet.

"Uhhhh-" you started, but stopped now knowing what to say.

What the fuck were you supposed to do now.

"Wha- Whats wrong?" Rae asked after a moment passed.

Corpse cleared his throat and started "Its um, shes my -" and you cut him off, heart beating in your chest.

"Nothing. Its nothing." you said talking over him. "Who else are we waiting for Rae?" you asked joining the lobby quickly and choosing red as your colour.

"Uh one more person," she said slowly, still a bit confused.

"Oh awesome!" you said fake enthusiasm prevalent in your voice. "So Sykkuno," you started, wanting to keep the conversation going. "How's Bimbus doing?"

Sykkuno launched into a story of Bimbus and you blew out a sigh of relief, mind still numb over the revelation.

Corpse was your soulmate.

The guy who had literally went viral the past few weeks was your soulmate.

You'd finally found him.

You heard Rae cut Sykkuno off, telling everyone she was starting the game and muttered a "Thank god" when the words "CREWMATE" appeared on your screen. You would not have been able to play imposter at the moment, your mind pretty much stuck on the fact that Corpse was your fucking soulmate.

Heading down to admin, you realised you hadn't said anything yet to the stream so you quickly turned on your cam, saying a quick sorry to the viewers.

"Sorry guys, I forgot to put the camera on," you smiled focusing on card swipe.

"I hope everyone's been okay, I know this was quite sudden, but Rae invited me and I was like why not you know," you said rambling as you moved to comms and did the task there.

Lights were called and you moved to electrical, arriving there just as Leslie fixed them. You moved into the back of electrical doing the three tasks you had there when Sykkuno suddenly came in and went straight to standing on top of the vent.

You giggled already knowing his trick.

"Okay guys," you mumbled watching Sykkuno wiggle on the vent. "do we trust Sykkuno or not?"

"You know what," you said making a split second decision. "Its the first game, we might as well."

Joining him on the vent, you stilled for a second and then breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't automatically kill you.

"See, what did I tell you guys huh?" you question smiling straight at the camera. "I knew Sykkuno could be trusted."

You decided to follow Sykkuno going into reactor with him and starting 'Simon says' and just as you were on the last part, a body was found making you let a whine out.

"Guysss," you whined to the camera as Rae started talking about how she had found Daves body in admin.

"Um, I havent been in admin since the start of the game," you said, "also I can clear Sykkuno, for the last part of the round, he's been with me since lights went out."

Sykkuno confirmed it, "Yup that's right, also I can hard clear Y/N cuz guess what? She stood on the vent with me and none of us died."

Everyone chuckled as he said "Thats good enough for me."

"Uh, I was in navigation mostly." said Lily.

"Poki, can I just ask what you were doing?" said Sean, an undercurrent of mirth present.

"Me?" asked Poki speaking for the first time. "What was I doing?"

"You weren't doing any tasks, you were literally just walking from one side of medbay to the other when I peeked in."

Poki started laughing, trying to get her words out at the same time.

"Okay so-" a giggle. "okay okay- I was just, I was trying to um do the beep test," she said finally breaking down and making everyone else laugh as well.

"What the fuck?" you said, laughing at the image in your mind.

"My chat told me to do it last game so I decided to do it now, I was literally just playing around," she said finally, adding "I swear I'm not imposter" at the end.

"Hmmm," you hummed, bringing a hand up to stroke your chin. "Are you sure it was last game Poki... hm...."

Giggling at Poki indignant "YES it was last game", you quickly skipped voting like everyone else as the timer went into the last ten seconds.

Humming a tune under your breath, you went back to reactor, taking a minute to carefully do Simon says and then moved to the other task counting out one two three as you pressed on the numbers. Humming, you moved out of reactor, only to come face to face with Corpse. You paused for a second, and then moved ahead, refusing to show anything on camera. For some reason he followed you as you went to storage, looking at you while you did the trash.

"Why is he just staring?" you mumbled, biting your lip. God, you really didn't wanna think of him right now. You started walking to shields, him still walking with you when lights were called and not a second later a body was reported.

Suddenly there was screaming your ears as Toast and Rae both started accusing each other.

"Wait- Wait WAIT" yelled Poki trying to get them to stop. "What happened?"

"I'll explain" declared Rae, not letting toast get a word in. "We were in navigation okay, me, Toast and Leslie. Lights went out, and suddenly a report buttons there. It's either Toast or someone came in just as lights went out and killed but that doesn't seem likely because I didn't see anyone anywhere near us at all. Anyways I'm fucking telling the truth guys, its Toast, he's the one who did it."

"Toast, do you have anything to say for yourself?" asked Corpse, his voice making your insides shiver.

"Holy shit, this is my soulmate", you thought for the fiftieth time.

"Uh yeah," replied toast. "I didn't do it."

Everyone laughed as he continued.

"Like seriously, I wouldn't do anything like this because it'd be a stupid move from my own part, and I think Raes smart enough to not do this as well. I think someone else came in just as lights went down and killed immediately, which to be honest, was pretty smart of them."

"Okay so I can clear Corpse," you cut in noticing the timer was close. "he was with me in weapons when it happened, he wouldn't have had time to go all the way up, or even vent there because we were literally walking in."

"Yup that's right," confirmed corpse.

"I'm in cafeteria" said Poki.

"Yeah, I saw her on my way to weapons," said Sykkuno, "and I'm in weapons right now,"

"I'm in lower engine" said Sean, and Lily said she was in reactor.

"I think it's Toast," you mumbled and then rose your voice to talk over everyone. "Look okay fine, maybe he said it was a stupid move and he wouldn't do it but maybe he did it for that exact reason. He thought he could get away with it because no one would expect him to do something like that."

As the timer started going down by 10, you voted for Toast and it turned out 3 had skipped the vote while five had voted for him.

damn.

"Guys you actually voted for him?" you said in a high voice, re-enacting one of Sykkunos most said lines.

You heard a "oh for gods sake" from Rae before everyone went silent and you giggled as you moved back down to weapons to do your tasks.

You finished all your tasks and decided to go to security to check where everyone is. Humming as you moved through the electrical hallway, you narrowed your eyes as Corpse came out of electrical and went towards storage. Quickly ducking in you didn't see a body so you headed back out, going into cams and gasping as you saw the body. Reporting immediately you were shocked to see the four kills that had happened. Now only you, Corpse, Sean and Rae were left.

"Oh my god," you mumbled confused. Either there were still two imposters, and Toast wasn't the imposter or the imposter literally killed and did nothing else. Now either that could mean that its definitely Rae if Toast wasn't the imposter, or that it was Corpse as the only imposter left. That was a bit weird though becuase he could have totally killed you at the start of the game. You didn't suspect Sean at all.

"What the fuck?" mumbled Corpse, and Rae made her animal noises expressing her shock.

"Okay," you said taking charge and relaying the kill and your theory to everyone. "So either it was Toast and there's only one other imposter, who is Corpse. Or Toast wasn't an imposter and there's two of them left. I-" you took a deep breath in at the end, very confused. " I don't know anymore,"

"I think its Corpse as well,"

Corpse who hadn't said anything up till this moment suddenly started stammering out "hey-hey uh let-lets not gang up on me okay. It's not-"

"No, wait, its because Y/N said you came out of electrical right, and I saw you in upper engine literally a bit ago and you went down. I went towards cafeteria so I don't know exactly where you went but its totally possible that you killed."

You voted form him after that, convinced it was Corpse, and the other followed quickly.

"Guys what the fuck, at least give me a chance to explain my self" he whined when his body was thrown off the ship seconds later. You cheered when the "VICTORY" sign was displayed across the screen, bringing up your chat and laughing at Toast as he pretended to be angry at me.

"That was a great round, good work Y/N"

"Thankyou" you mumbled staring at your chat. You were confused when you saw the absolute influx of messages on there, and you were barely able to read them because they were going so fast. You scrolled up, and read through the few of the messages;

"You've made corpse sad."

"Corpse has literally been so quite since you came in, can you leave."

"Omg stop with the hate messages, its not her fault if corpse isn't talking to you"

"are you his ex or something? What was that reaction at the start?"

"what did you do? Corpse literally hasn't said a word since you came in."

"Um..."

Corpse POV

Corpses heart stopped for a minute, his breath catching. The words on his wrist glowed gold, and he stared at the little red character standing there.

This person was the reason that he had "PRAISE BINGUS" stretched across his wrist.

They were the only reason that he had searched "Bingus" on google for all of his life. The only reason Corpse knew about the meme before anyone else was because he was constantly monitoring the word online. Ever since March, he had been waiting with bated breath, anxious that he could meet his soulmate at any moment. and here you were.

For some reason, he had never expected that he would meet you in among us, or while he was on stream. He always thought it'd be someone outside. It was a bit stupid in hindsight as all he did nowadays was play among us.

He heard you introduce yourself to him but the only thing that came out of his mouth was “No fucking way”.

Immediately after he wanted to slap himself.

“Idiot” he thought to himself. “At least try to make a good impression.”

When Rae asked what was wrong, heat sprung to his cheeks as he started revealing that they were soulmates, but Y/N cut him off, saying that it was nothing.

Corpse’s heart sank a little then.

'Maybe she’s just a private person,' he reasoned with himself.

'I shouldn’t have tried to say it on stream either. God, I’m a fucking idiot, if I said it, literally everyone would know and not only would I have hated the attention, she probabaly would have as well.'

Convincing himself that she was right, he reassured himself that it wasn’t because of him. She wasn’t revealing it because she probably didn't want all the attention.

For some reason though, his heart sank even more when Y/N didnt talk to him, instead talking to sykkuno about his dog. Like sure he could understand not wanting to reveal they were soulmates but shouldn’t she at least wanna talk to him? At this point he wouldn’t even mind if she talked about his voice like everyone else.

He groaned when the word "Imposter" came across his screen, his and Toasts character standing together. He was not in the right mindset right now to be able to be a good imposter. Breathing in deeply he continued in the game, with the first round passing by quick. The second round, he saw Y/N and stood with her for a bit wondering if he should kill her. Her red character moved to weapons and he sighed moving the mouse over the kill button. Just as he was thinking of clicking a body was found. Corpse swore as Toast flew off the ship. Deciding he needed to speed it up he killed four people in the round, hissing when the meeting was called. The moment Y/N accused him, he knew it was over. He didn't even bother defending himself much, just hoping the game would end soon.

When they were in the lobby, he quickly told everyone that he was going to leave because his internet was acting up. Turning off the stream after saying a quick thank you to everyone, he leaned back in his seat breathing through his nose.

What the fuck was his life.

Even his soulmate didnt want him. Honestly, he should have expected this. Abandoned at 12 with no one around him, why did his expect his soulmate to even give a fuck about him. Tears pricked his eyes and he blinked trying to get rid of them. He breathed in deeply, grabbing the water on the table and taking a big gulp. He had never hated himself more than he did right now. Why couldnt he have an easier life.

“Why cant I just fucking be NORMAL” he yelled throwing the empty bottle of water at the wall.

Throwing himself into bed, he scrunched up his eyes, hoping that sleep would come today, not noticing as his phone lit up with a single message.

Your POV

You stayed for another game and then ducked out apologizing and making an excuse up.

"Sorry it was such a short stream, everyone," you said pouting at the camera. "It was fun though so hopefully I get to do it again." Waving goodbye, you turned off the camera and leaned your head back staring at the ceiling.

What the actual fuck.

Grabbing your phone, you stared at it for a bit. Everything that you had pushed to the back of your mind in the game, was suddenly in the forefront.

The only thing you knew about Corpse was that he had a really deep voice, he narrated horror movies, and he maybe did music?

'Rae mentioned that once right?' you thought to yourself.

You unlocked the phone and then locked it again, too scared to actually do anything.

Unlocked.

Locked.

Unlocked.

Locked.

"Oh get a grip," you muttered to yourself, opening the phone and sending a text to Rae.

‘Hey Rae, do you have corpses number? Do you mind sending it to me, I need to tell him something.’

A reply came in a minute,

‘umm, why. he's pretty private so idk i don't rlly wanna give his number if he doesn't want someone to have it’

You sighed, and decided you might as well tell her. You knew Rae wouldn't betray your trust.

‘He's my soulmate’

Immediately a ‘AHDJHAKJKAGDAK’ came as a reply and you giggled at the string of emojis after it.

‘Don't tell anyone,’ you sent quickly, trying to calm her down.

‘Okay okay, its XXX - XXX - XXXX, ASHAGDH IM DYING OMG. GO TALK TO HIM.’

Biting your lip you added Corpse into your contacts hesitating before putting a small black heart next to his name.

"Already simping," you mumbled under your breath, hands hovering over the keyboard as you struggled to think of what to write.

You finally decided on 'Hey, its Y/N, can I call?' thinking that something short would be the best way to go. Hand hovering over the send button, you sucked in a breath and pressed it, waiting with bated breath.

A minute passed.

And then five.

And then, without you even you realising, it'd been half an hour of you just looking at your phone.

An hour later, you were slumped on your desk, eyes closed and snoring lightly, the phone still open, the message you sent lighting up the screen.

tbc.

#corpse husband #corpse x reader #corpse #corpse husband x reader #corpse x y/n #corpse husband fanfic #corpse fic #sykkuno #corpse husband imagine #corpse husband headcannons #corpse husband one shot #lilydaydreamsfics

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eclipsednodes · 4 years

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SHADOW WORK SIMPLIFIED

What is shadow work?

If I had to describe shadow work in one word, it would be introspection. Introspection is the examination of your own mental state and is necessary in order to learn more about your fundamental nature. Although it may sound off-putting and even scary at first, shadow work is a necessary component in the process of healing. We all have aspects of ourselves that we’ve rejected and hidden away out of fear. Through shadow work, we’re able to reflect on our thoughts, emotions, and habits so that we can find the root cause of our suffering and heal ourselves. By reincorporating those aspects of ourselves that we’ve denied, we feel more fulfilled and can begin to love ourselves fully.

Where does shadow work come from?

The concept of the shadow self comes from Carl Jung who believed that our shadow self is the subconscious aspect, or “dark side”, of our personality that our conscious ego doesn’t identify with. However, I would like to clarify that “dark” does not imply or equate with bad. That which resides outside of our consciousness can be either good or bad, but aren’t inherently reflective of our value or “goodness” as a person.

Although these repressed aspects of ourselves can manifest negatively, it isn’t because those parts of us are “bad”, but that the process of repression is inherently painful and toxic. This is reflected by Jung when he states, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” He believed that until we’ve merged our conscious and subconscious selves, that our conscious would be “the slave of the autonomous shadow”. This is due to the shadow self overwhelming our conscious selves by falling victim to our own self-imposed traps.

Through assimilating this shadow self, not over-identifying with it, Jung believed we go through the process of enantiodromia, thereby integrating the subconscious by reincorporating our shadow selves into our personality and allowing us to solidify ourselves through wholeness. He best described this by stating "assimilation of the shadow gives a man body, so to speak.” However, don’t fall into the misconception that shadow work is a short-term practice. Shadow work is a continuous practice and integration of the shadow self is a will take place throughout your life.

How do I do shadow work?

In the last question, I identified that practicing self-reflection is a key component of shadow work, but what does that mean? What am I supposed to be reflecting on? Well, the first thing that you should focus on is being present throughout the day. Identify feelings that come up throughout the day and observe them objectively. What situation or interaction triggered these emotions? How did I react to those emotions? Were my emotions controlling me or was I in control of my emotions? Why did this situation or interaction cause me to feel this way? How did I cope with those feelings (self-harming, lashing out at others, communicating my feelings, journalling, etc.)? Did I punish myself for getting upset? If so, why?

There are numerous ways to reflect on your feelings and experiences in order to get a better understanding of yourself. Through evaluating how you react to situations, which situations upset you, and how you managed those feelings, you’re able to build the foundation to understanding your emotions and bridge the gap between your subconscious and conscious mind.

Once you’ve done this, you’ll find that the emotions you feel in the present are reflective of unhealed emotions from your past. Perhaps the reason you feel that you’re unable to set boundaries as an adult is because as a child, your parents never respected your boundaries by going through your phone or diary, yelling at you when you said no to a request, forcing you into situations that made you feel you had no choice.

By identifying the root cause of your emotional pain, you’re able to address it in the present and heal from the trauma. The simplest way that I’ve found to address them is through journalling. You can purchase a physical journal or even use your notes app, either way, you’re writing out your feelings and reflections to gain deeper insight. It’s important to remember that this looks different for anyone and that the best way to approach shadow work is by doing what feels most natural! You can choose to stick to self-reflective journal prompts, vent about whatever is upsetting you, write letters to whoever has hurt you, etc. Ultimately, you can guide yourself based off of what you feel you need and where you are in your journey.

What parts of yourself do you find yourself rejecting the most? Many of us have experienced the pain of rejection in some aspects of our lives and sometimes, it’s incredibly painful and leaves us with long-lasting wounds. We end up going through our lives carrying baggage that we don’t even know we have! Many times, I’ve found myself wondering why I felt so repulsed by aspects of myself and why I felt so strongly that they needed to be locked away forever. I couldn’t allow myself or others to see my truest self, my whole self, out of fear. I was scared of being rejected, shamed, humiliated by the people around me. I was scared of hurting other people by being myself and of being hurt by others. That’s no way to live, is it? When we tell ourselves that aspects of ourselves aren’t good enough, we end up going through life devaluing ourself. We’ve broken our own trust by rejecting ourselves, we’ve told ourselves that we aren’t good enough or worthy of love. In shadow work, you’re called to go inward and unpack everything that we’ve kept hidden for years and sometimes even decades.

Bring the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed to the surface and nourish them with love, allow yourself to see that ALL OF YOU is deserving of love and support. For you, that could mean unlearning your unhealthy beliefs about food or eating, allowing yourself to be emotional around the people you love (despite how much you were told that you were too emotional, a crybaby, too sensitive in the past), allowing yourself to relax without feeling guilty about not being productive because you recognize your needs (even though you feel your sense of worth is tied to being productive at the cost of your own health).

Common misconceptions about shadow work?

Shadow work is evil or bad, the shadow is evil or bad

The purpose of shadow work is healing through working with your subconscious to release repressed aspects of yourself and heal from painful, traumatic experiences. Your shadow side is simply your unconscious and to believe that it’s bad is to believe that you are bad. It’s merely the part of yourself that you aren’t aware of consciously and shouldn’t be feared.

Certain emotions are “bad”

When you let go of the idea that emotions are either good or bad, you’ll allow yourself to just be and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to feel “good” all of the time. Happiness isn’t a constant state of being so stop expecting to be all of the time, we have a range of emotions for a reason so stop being ashamed of them. Your feelings are natural and if you feel like they’re out of control and something to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with that! It’s okay to feel like your emotions are controlling you because that isn’t permanent. Your feelings aren’t permanent and are completely manageable with proper guidance! The reason you feel like your emotions are controlling you is because you probably don’t have the knowledge to cope with them in an effective and healthy way. It’s helpful to sit with your emotions alone and look at them objectively without placing any judgement on them, this will help you calm down and assess your feelings. From there, you can identify what you need to relax and recover as well as acknowledge to yourself that your feelings are natural. When you stop categorizing your emotions as bad, they’re no longer shameful to experience and therefore you can see with better clarity how to cope with them and move on.

I’ve already released it so…

Why am I still upset?

Why does it still keep popping up in my head?

Why haven’t I moved on?

Why am I not making progress?

With the rise of self development and spirituality, I find that more and more people are rushing to complete their healing. Healing is a continuous, life-long cycle and not a destination. Putting the pressure on yourself to reach the place of ultimate healing is not only toxic, but it impedes your ability to actually heal anything. Healing is about love, compassion, and patience and it’s not going to happen according to a timeline. Allow yourself the time to experience your emotions, see them objectively, forgive yourself and others and move on without the pressure of expectations.

Another reason that you could be experiencing this is that despite the work you think you’ve done, it hasn’t been sufficient. I’ve found that a lot of journal prompts provided online are surface level at best and can be more pacifying than revealing. If you’re not feeling anything while doing your inner work, you’re not doing it correctly. Ultimately, this is about uncovering what makes us UNCOMFORTABLE and moving through those feelings. When you allow yourself to experience the sadness, hurt, anger, and/or frustration than you’re telling yourself that these feelings are okay and don’t need to be suppressed. The reality is that no matter what you’re feeling, you are allowed to experience those emotions and it’s only human! Unfortunately, many people associate lower vibrational emotions as bad, but this is a huge misconception! Telling yourself that anger, sadness, etc. are “bad” implies that you shouldn’t experience these emotions and that you have to get rid of them which is not only wrong, but unhealthy. There is no right or wrong emotions so don’t buy into the belief that you should feel a certain way, simply allow yourself to be and you’ll find that it’s much easier to navigate your emotions and needs. The only way to make it to the other side is by wading through the water, be patient and know that you’re feeling exactly what you should be. When you stop censoring yourself, you’ll discover a newfound sense of freedom and wholeness.

If you find yourself circling back to certain topics, for example, your ex-boyfriend than perhaps there are triggers in your environment that remind you of the situation, you have more that needs to be addressed that you may not have been ready for or aware of previously (hence why shadow work is a practice that is ongoing), or they’re representative of a deeper issue that you’re repressing. Whatever the cause is, the same methods as earlier will apply and can be discerned through your own intuition.

What are some basic journal prompts that I can do?

What feelings come up when you think of ____?

How did that experience make you feel emotionally? How did it make you feel about yourself? How did it make you feel about the other person or people?

Write a letter to yourself, your inner child, the people who’ve hurt you, and the people you’ve hurt. Express how you feel honestly, without holding back and then forgive yourself and the other person.

If you could say anything to yourself or another person for closure, what would it be?

How have these situations and experiences impacted your mental health? How have they affected your belief system about yourself, other people, and the world?

What about yourself are you ashamed of? What about yourself are you embarrassed of? What about yourself makes you angry? What do you regret? Why do you feel this way about yourself and where do these feelings stem from?

What makes you feel most alone? What makes you feel most loved? How can you incorporate that knowledge into your life to make it better?

What’s the most hurtful thing someone has said or done to you? Why did it hurt you so much? How does it still affect you now? How can you heal from it and allow yourself to move on?

What do you need to forgive yourself for? What do you need to forgive others for?

Where do you feel you lack security in your life? Why? How does this impact your life and your relationships?

This is a list of generic prompts for you to start with, but feel free to message me if you need help with more specific topics or I can make another post altogether for journal prompts.

#shadow work #spirituality #witchblr #carl jung #witchcraft #energy work #healing #shadow self

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kotos-and-smiles · 3 years

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The Parallel between Ch.32 and Ch.103

KoT Spoilers all the way through Chapter 103!

Firstly, thank you all so much for the support on my first post! It means a lot and I’m really happy so many of you enjoyed it!

Secondly,

I’m still not over this parallel from chapters 32 and 103, like at all. Chika and Satowa are both revisiting dark times in their lives through these videos but facing it together this time. Even the simple act of being with each other, lending each other their strength, allows them to face these events that still so strongly affect them. Both of these videos are ones of them hurting people and being in so much pain themselves.

For Satowa playing that song and then her mother telling her that her koto playing is like a weapon is probably her single darkest, lowest moment. Then everything went from bad to worse in her life after that. The video of her playing the song is representative of her relationship with her mother deteriorating and of all that came after it for a while, how she ended up alone and cast out, the hope she had and how it shattered. It’s the song she bet her very self on, that hurt her mother, and that finally broke that already fractured relationship. Her mother’s reaction to that song still affects Satowa, yet she faced this song first with Chika and then with everyone else. Satowa must’ve been really worried about everyone’s reaction to this song, about if it would somehow hurt them too or that they’d judge her failure of a sound, but she’s still able to open up about it and ask Chika about what he heard in the song and listen to what he had to say because they’ve already been through quite a bit together and really trust each other. Despite her fear and apprehension of ever playing this song again, or even listening to it, she was able to perform it and grow because first she faced it with Chika and was earnestly able to see the emotion she put into the song and how much her life had changed. Even just sitting down with Chika and finally listening to the song resolved some of her inner turmoil surrounding that performance.

The video Uzuki posted of Chika is part of a string of similar moments in the darkest time of Chika’s life when he was a person he wasn’t proud of, when he felt alone and was venting all his anger, frustration, and depression into fighting. It was a time Chika was hurting random people, but it was also connected to a parental relationship falling apart, the one with his father. Chika isn’t proud of his actions back then, but he will face them if he has to.

But for Satowa to see him the way he was, as that other person, the one with dead eyes where nothing in life seemed worthwhile, he’s worried about how it may affect her view of him, which is why he tried to stop her from seeing it at first. She’s only gotten to know him after he joined the club, she only knows the person he is now, the person he wants to be, not the one he used to be, and so it makes perfect sense that he’d be worried because he really cares about her and cares about her opinion of him. However, Satowa starts getting really upset only after she sees the comments on the video, which builds up to what she says in ch.104. So while Chika was probably very worried about Satowa seeing the video, it obviously didn’t have the effect he was worried it would have on her. Of course, with the video being newly uploaded it’s bringing Chika’s past into the present, which is something Chika doesn’t want and shouldn’t have to deal with, especially right before nationals, which he and the rest of the club have worked so hard for. But Satowa is willing to face it all with him, just as he was willing to face her darkness with her. Just as long as they’re together, they can face it.

In both of the videos, they’re so alone and each hurting so much, in so much pain themselves that it spreads to others, whether intentionally or not. Both Chika and Satowa are “venting their own pain and suffering” at the time of their lives these videos represent, and now they’re in a place to realize that and have grown past it. Both of these moments led to them losing their homes and their parents in some way. But now, they’ve found a new place that feels like home (the club) and all the people in it, who feel like family, and they’ll protect it, including each other, no matter the cost. They accept each other wholeheartedly. In fact, accepting one another’s pasts and who they are now and how they’ve changed but also never backing away from who they used to be is a theme with both the entire club and Chika and Satowa specifically, which is shown in these 2 moments.

Also in ch.103 when Satowa makes this face and determines to watch the video that was uploaded about Chika, to me it’s expressing “I’m not afraid of who you are or who you used to be. I know you now, and your past won’t change how I see you.”

I could examine these scenes for ages! And, as you can see, already have.

I love how Satowa’s friends react, they’re so great. Honestly, with the video coming out I thought they might be judgmental of Chika and possibly tell Satowa to stay away from him? But I love how supportive and worried they were about both of them, not just Satowa, and immediately asked if the club was okay. I love Tetsuki’s reaction, too, and how he’s trying to be protective over Chika while understanding that Chika needs to face this and can handle it.

In conclusion, stab me through the heart, I bet it’d hurt less. I love Chika and Satowa so much and they are so in love I can’t handle it!

I’m hoping to post more frequently, especially as I have some things I’m hoping to post before the new chapter, but posting might stay kind of sporadic. First fanfic coming on Chika’s birthday, so yeah.

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