#just to see her hang out with that ex friend that gave me trauma over and over again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

butrflyho3 · 11 months

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This will be my last post

I want to say I haven’t been on here in years and I came to say goodbye. Goodbye to old friends goodbye to old ways, and here’s to my present self. I do not resonate with my past at all any longer. I do realize everything that happened in the past was to help me grow and to realize my true potential. Ive been fucked over and hurt by many others. My ex who gaslit me and abused me, cheated on me why do you think he did that? Trauma. He couldn’t face his trauma so he projected onto me, and why did I accept that? Because I believed that is what I deserved. Do I still believe this? Absolutely not! I was the biggest enabler for the longest time because I wanted to fix him and I felt if I stood by his side and let him treat me badly that eventually he would see me in a different lens…but that didn’t go as planned. It was a vicious cycle. He would do something that hurt me, I would push him away from me, think about it, miss him and take him back and tried to give him ultimatums. He would agree to them but then just go behind my back and do what I didn’t want him to do anyways. I want to say I haven’t been on here in years and I came to say goodbye. Goodbye to old friends goodbye to old ways, and here’s to my present self. I do not resonate with my past at all any longer. I do realize everything that happened in the past was to help me grow and to realize my true potential. Ive been fucked over and hurt by many others. My ex who gaslit me and abused me, cheated on me why do you think he did that? Trauma. He couldn’t face his trauma so he projected onto me, and why did I accept that? Because I believed that is what I deserved. Do I still believe this? Absolutely not! I was the biggest enabler for the longest time because I wanted to fix him and I felt if I stood by his side and let him treat me badly that eventually he would see me in a different lens…but that didn’t go as planned. It was a vicious cycle. He would do something that hurt me, I would push him away from me, think about it, miss him and take him back and tried to give him ultimatums. He would agree to them but then just go behind my back and do what I didn’t want him to do anyways. For 5 years this went on until one day I decided that he would never change for me. I had to accept that even though it hurt and made me angry. I gave my all to him and he just took it without giving anything back to me. It’s like being a child and holding onto your favorite broken toy and your mom keeps telling you to just throw it away get a new toy and you never do. It’s like playing outside on a cold rainy day and your told to come inside until the rain stops and you stay outside anyways with no jacket and the next day you are sick for a whole week.

An old friend of mine (who I’m not friends with anymore) did many things so evil towards me. We met in middle school. She was very sweet and quiet at first but once we were friends for a few years I saw who she really was, although I saw her for who she really was I kept forgiving her and letting her continue to treat me like shit. I disregarded my intuition because I wanted to believe she was truly my friend. She went through a lot as a young girl and I wanted to be the one that stuck by her through thick and thin. Let me tell you why that was the worst mistake I ever made over and over again. Again here I was being the biggest enabler for poor behavior. We would hang out and she was always doing something impulsive, like if we went to the mall she would be shoplifting, if we were inside a public area she would light a cigarette up and smoke it, when we were at the movies she would talk very loudly and almost get both of us kicked out. She had no care or regard for others, she thought those behaviors were cute. Whenever we got into disagreements or arguments it felt like the end of the world. I would be made out to be the bad guy because I didn’t want to tolerate the behavior anymore. And every time I tried defending myself I got knocked down because at the time I didn’t know how to speak up for myself. Don’t get me wrong there were times where I did the wrong thing too! I’m not perfect. I was always honest and upfront about my wrong doings and mistakes and if I knew I hurt someone I apologized right away. I would love to go into detail on how badly she hurt me and what she did but I feel there is no need to because it’s not going to fix what happened. It’s not going to make me feel better. She doesn’t understand how her behavior and actions affect those around her, and I’m not sure she ever will.

She did hurtful things because she was hurting, she did not want to face her own issues so she projected onto me. She hated her life and herself so bringing me down and hurting me is the only way that made her feel better, and I can no longer judge her for that because she is on her own path and journey and I am glad we parted ways because I realized during self reflection and meditation that I was always her friend but she was never mine. I learned real friends will tell you the truth. Real friends won’t be sneaky and hide things from you. Real friends care about how they make you feel. She thrived and laughed at my pain, and when she was in pain I was always emphatic towards her and always comforted her.. You see there is two paths you can take in life… you can be fucked over, hurt lied to, etc and chose to do it back to others or you can chose to learn from that pain and never wish that on the most horrible person in the world. She obviously took the first path and I took the second. I do not want revenge or even an apology because I know she never will admit to her wrong doings let alone apologize for it. I have a beautiful life now I am happy and thriving.. do I have my moments of sadness and grief? Of course who doesn’t? But I don’t let it consume me anymore. Want to know why? Because I am not just this body. I am energy, spirit, and divine. I know I am beautiful,talented and creative no matter what others say I now know who I truly am and no opinions and insults can’t even get close to me anymore.

I learned to transmute that negative energy into positive. So although I am still hurting from all the people in my life I have to leave behind I do wish them well and wish them endless love light and healing! The real revenge isn’t hurting those who have hurt you. It’s to live your beautiful life and see the beauty in the things around you and to smile and be happy and to find your own peace.

People believe after you die you go to heaven or hell which I honestly don’t believe in at all. Heaven or Hell is felt on this earthly plane. Life is what you make it. It can either be heaven on earth or hell on earth. My fiancé actually taught me that. He’s taught me a lot and I am so grateful to have him in my life because he’s been my biggest supporter yet. So that is all I have to say. I hope everyone heals and lives live to the fullest.

#goodbye

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blondrichclosetwitch · 1 year

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I don’t want to have schizophrenia*

“Dear father bob

I am sorry it has taken me until tuesday to start this. I’m looking forward to seeing you on thursday. I will be referring to the tarot throughout this letter as my main teacher in nyc has been a tarot reader who I believe is one of two women who was at the head of this whole thing.

In 2006 (the strength card) I had alot happen. My mother’s cousin john messina who i considered my “guardian angel” committed suicide, the czech boy honza who renamed me died of aids, i was ganged up on by a self-described “coven of witches” at work and lost my job, my best friend left me for nyc, an abusive chef moved in as a roommate and psychologically terrorized me, and in this time i met an old astrologer named Random, who was a friend of my friend Brenda and insisted on meeting me based on my birth chart. He said i was “the second coming of Persephone”.

At the time I had no idea what that meant.

We only spent three months together. I was a bad student. I wasn’t ready. Too full of trauma. He died in 2012 before we got the chance to make peace. I was devastated when I found out.

I came to nyc on feb 28 2012 (the star card, 17, new beginnings) to talk to my ex who had left me over six months before. I was very traumatized and nyc was very hard. I had 9 sublets in my first year. On may 19th 2012 i met Jakk( the judgement card, awakening 20). We had a date that lasted 10 hours. He was in an open relationship with his girlfriend Blond. I had chosen to go on a date with him because i wanted to get better at jealousy issues and sharing ( at that time I only wanted to get back together with my ex). But in a short amount of time, jakk became my closest friend and i fell in love with him. He was truly my best friend.

On 8/26/12 we became pregnant. We wouldnt know for quite awhile. That date comes to the world in the tarot. Completion, reward, success, triumph, liberation. It would be the most tender love-making we would ever ever have.

I was pushed, hard, into terminating the pregnancy in my 12th week. We found out in my 9th, and at that point i was smoking marijuana daily just to deal with my anxiety. I had no sense of self intact. I went back and forth, asking others for guidance. No one believed in me except for my mother. I cancelled the first appt. And Jakk yelled at me in such a way that i was shaking. There was a girl who had texted me and said i was creating destruction and practically gave me the steps to make it all happen. I was cracking under the pressure. My mother was in the ER and unreachable when it came down to the final hour when it was still possible and so i let jakk take me. 10/24/12 the hanged man. Life suspended. Transformation of personality. Prophetic powers. It was the most violent experience of my life, more violent than any rape or even being hit by the car, and i always felt like part of me died on that table. The hurricane came mere days after and i went out screaming in it. You lose yourself when you give up a child and when you are already psychically open like i am. I was already open before that.

I never met blond. She yelled insults at me twice on the street but we have never had a verbal conversation.

I wanted to.

I think i started to go a little crazy after the termination. I do. I became less here. But it wasn’t until march that the baby started hanging out around me as the duedate was approaching (5/17/13 19 the sun joy and happiness), and I started to talk to her. At this point I started writing plays to deal with my experience (not very good ones). Right before the duedate was when the TR emailed me for the first time. She was a tarot reader in nyc that “somehow” i came across and she messaged me on 4/5/13 (the devil card #15 discontent, depression, illness, misuse of force, materialism, ignorance, overindulgence, negative magic). I believe the mind control had already started way back then. I had already started working with her “life partner” a jungian astrologer and follower of amma’s and in a state of desperation had reached out to the TR wanting a tarot reading to which she had not replied. “Life partner” does a project based on the astrology and different themes., and I have been working with different energy intuitives since 2002 ( I had a very dysfunctional family)so i needed something to sink myself into. At the time i did not realize that the TR and “life partner” worked together.

5/19/14 (4 the emperor stability/ oppression, depending how you look at it) our anniversary. Blond and Jakk had gotten engaged, and i was informed that he didn’t know what this meant for us. He had found the ring in his blazer pocket and she wanted a special dessert that was only for special occasions, and voila. This event had happened on a “sun” day and he told me that he thought Blond probably knew the ring was there when she brought him the blazer which hadn’t fit him in over a year.

7/16/ 14 saw jakk and he told me he knew we were frustrated because we wanted full-time relationships with each other but because he was promised to Blond we couldn’t.

I started seeing a psychoanalyst. Very established.

7/18/ 14 hit by a car right after midnight that threw me the distance of four cars. (the hierophant: captivity, servitude, fear of being the outsider and accepts conformity without question) i was shaking nonstop for hours in bellevue. My body could not stop. Later it was explained to me that random had created a vortex to pull me up up save my life. i would not walk for 12 weeks. During the day jakk brought me books and videos, including one from blond titled witches nurses and women healers with a burning bush on the cover….which seemed odd.

After the accident jakk disappeared pretty much,(partially preparing for the wedding which would take place in october) and i started to go crazy. I finally started to deal with the baby that i hadn’t had, in therapy, and i would say that i was in dangerous waters that entire fall/winter of 2014.

In january 2015 i did the project based on goddesses that “life partner” and the TR were doing together. Before this i knew nothing really about goddess, wicca or the like.

Jakk and i hadn’t spoken for 4 or 5 months but then during the goddess project we started again. I kept asking for a face to face to talk about the baby. In April 2015 the TR and I did a tarot reading in her apartment and she said we weren’t done. From the moment I did that tarot reading The TR was part of my life. I wrote her my thoughts. Starting the next day. Told her I wished i had known her when i was ten. I’d save my money and do tarot readings about jakk and blond basically every -3 months, or whenever an emergency happened. She was an instagram model and i would save images of her on my phone. I also had pictures of blond on there, partially because i had feelings of love for blond. I would always ask how blond was doing.

I have 10 recorded sessions(many phone or video) with the TR in 2016. 2016 is the year of the hermit. This is one of the most mystical cards of the tarot. I spent pretty much the entire year in seclusion. She was my closest ally and teacher. The hermit is both silent cousel in the positive and vices and foolishness in the negative.

On my bday the TR did a reading at my house that was 4 hours long, and then she took me out to dinner to lanza’s. She explained that I was so sensitive because I was a special kind of healer, a rarity in the world. At this point she told me to start working with the baby by making her candles, and that jakk’s dead mother was in the room, upset at what jakk was doing with his life (at being with blond). She told me blond had cut herself with a mirror when jakk tried to leave her. I started disassociating like crazy at some point( i believe it was at dinner) and felt very sick (the TR is absolutely obsessed with al capone) and got the sense that i never wanted to see the tr ever again. The subway ride home was the most painful ever. I couldn’t quite put it all together.

Shortly thereafter was the tarot project that “life partner” and the TR co-led. It was at this point that i truly started to go off the deep end. I thought it was because the neurologist had finally found damage from the accident and she had me on the wrong combo of meds, but i now have come to find that blond “life partner” and the TR were doing spells together every day to make me go crazy. They stopped on day 21 when i wrote life partner an email saying i realized i had misjudged her the year before.

Jakk and i had a fight on the street on 6/18/16. It was considered our breakup. The hierophant. I was destroyed. I saw him once on the street after that and then i have never seen him since which is strange since he lives around the corner.

On July 14, 2016( the hermit card) the Tr came to my house to do our last in person tarot reading before she was moving to chicago (where i originally was from and where my family still was) and brought me a painting of a tarot reader she was selling me for 300$ (most of her artwork was at least double that). She was pushing me at that point towards a trip to Italy with Life Partner that had been presented. I had just seen Life Partner for the first time in a year and she showed me pictures of where it would be and for the first time in my life I felt compelled to go to Italy (I have Sicilian roots). In this reading she said how the Magician the Hierophant and the Hermit were showing up and how all my magic would happen there.

August 14th(the emperor) ( I have records of this is when I started to get ill. On Aug. 19th (the hermit) I went into ER for 9 hours. My stomach was bloated so I looked 6 months pregnant. They thought I needed my appendix out.

The TR instructed me to do a working for communication between me and Jakk and so I brought all the materials with me on a work trip despite being ill and on aug 23rd i had a fire in my hotel room(the emperor) that could have taken over the whole room. I had had a house fire as a freshman in college in which we lost our dog. I spent the next two days sobbing in my bed, or bath, trying to figure out how i was going to explain this to the manager and also reliving my young memories.

On Sept 5th(hierophant) I found the pendulum that had been in the fire. At that point I only used a pendulum for asking about clients. That night I had a dream about the baby. The baby’s name came to me. Louise Sutton. Sept 8th (the strength card, positive: love over hate/ negative: abuse of power , lack of moral force) I went to my friend Cyrus who is a psycho analyst who said that it came to “i lose you suddenly” or “i lose a ton”. I started to use the I went to the park near my house and had my first vision. It was of Jakk and Blond divorcing, followed by Blond being outside of my house with a gun the following night. In those 36 hours I started to see so much violence, I cannot tell you. I was using the pendulum whenever I wasn’t working to find out what was going on (“hooked on the drama”) and to me, I actually thought all this was happening. For 48 hours. I thought Jakk got shot and was in the hospital, and then that he was in the police station pressing charges, and left him voicemails, and when he finally texted me back to say it was “totally imagined”, I cracked.

To be clear, this was the beginning of what I consider my psychic opening. I never openly heard spirits before then.

This was the first time I remember touching a tree for support. Because i couldn’t stand. Before this I was being told that Jakk wanted to get pregnant asap and that it was possible for Louise to come back to us. I’m telling you all these details because I am fully convinced now that they were trying to drive me crazy or to suicide with the baby or divorce storyline. The TR knew more about me Jakk and blond than anyone.

There was obviously a question as to whether to go to italy or not but my analyst pushed me to go. As did friends. I told my friend joy that i kept seeing myself drowning in ana capri. I left on the chariot day with a completely breaking body (9/16/16) which continued to break down over the next 4 days. Whatever condition i had in late august was intensifying, and I had no idea what was happening. I finally saw a doctor who put me on a super strict diet of chamomile tea and rice. Around this time i started to bond with the tart cards on my own, without the TR and it sort of took me out of that death mentality. I started to fall in love with italy and i started to hear the birds, see the sky, feel like i might survive after all. I was extremely sick but i was starting to feel like there was a morning after. I have since realized this was the moment that Gina came to me.

When I got back to nyc i felt whatever had been giving me information around me once again. Within the hour. The calm had left me and i was overcome with an edgy panic. I picked up the pendulum that i had left at home asked it’s name. It spelled out gina. I asked if she was good or bad. She said good. The next day i found out the other spirit, the one who had been giving me info before, was random, my astrologer who had died in 2012. This was around sept 27th. They started running the story that Jakk was divorcing Blond by Sept 30th. After my return from Italy i started taping my sessions with Random or Gina, bit by bit.

On oct. 5th I did a session with the TR and she explained that Gina was an italian strega who had connected to me to teach me my magic and who was invested in my relationship and the baby.

On Oct. 6th again there was talk of Blond having a gun and her coming after me and Jakk. I was told to warn Jakk who still was not talking to me or responding to me despite the fact that I had been diagnosed with a semi-serious stress-related disease.

On Oct. 7th my niece was killed in a car accident, she was inside the car that her mother was driving. Niece was my kindred spirit. She was 9, and I hadn’t seen her since 2014 because of my accident (I really had nearly died, and coming back into the world was hard, andmy family had issues with me...my brother and I had had a fight the year before when I had been raped and he basically had cut me off from the kids at that point.) My mother called me the morning of the 8th to tell me and I went into complete shock. I told Random to bring her to me, and within the hour I was communicating with her. I cannot explain to you how different her energy felt from Random or Gina’s but I can tell you it was my niece and we were overjoyed to be together. Learning to communicate with a 9 yr old who had just transitioned was so intense, i couldn’t even grieve because i was with her all the time, trying to communicate and ask her questions and let her know i was there for her.

I’ll spare you the details but let’s suffice it to say niece was with me all the time. All the time. We walked to coffee together and i was never without the pendulum in my left hand. I took my job as aunt very seriously. She started playing me songs as ways of communicating her thoughts. The first three were angel, knockin on heaven’s door, and paradise city. She told me these were connected to my brother and that he was suicidal. She liked me to sing to her and do dance routines, and eventually she got me going to the trees.

On 11/16/ 16 (the moon) the TR instructed me to do a “cut and clear “ spell right before thanksgiving and by this point i believed i could read jakk’s responses to my emails through the pendulum. Or to my text messages. Even though he would not respond. The idea is it cuts out what’s in the way so you can “see”.

On 11/23/16 (the chariot, moving forward) i finally saw that my father has sexually abused me. I asked gina about a dream i had had since i was a child. About what truth there was to it. She told me it happened. I did a session with the TR about it and she sent me to do a shamanic journey with her friend Langston.

On dec 18(the hanged man) that is when stuff really started to come into my mind. First it was the accident. All this time i’m being told Jakk is in the process of leaving blond , mind you. On the 18th i was shown that blond did a spell to cause my accident. On solstice i was told the shooting happened again ( i saw the vision of the shooting at least 4-5 times) and that blond too was in the hospital and they convinced me to talk blond into coming into the light which i did for three hours. I even went to the park and lit a candle for her since it was solstice. Shortly thereafter i did another cut and clear specific to blond, instructed by random, and i started to see that blond had done a bunch of spells on me, and that the car one was specific so that jakk would never be able to get me pregnant ever again.

The spirits told me I needed to do a banishing to make blond stop doing spells ( i didn’t even know what a banishing was) and as I was looking through a box for something I found a postcard of Nusch eluard and sonia mosse by man ray that I had bought at age 19. I asked niece if it meant anything to her, and she told me it was us. She proceeded to tell me over the next couple of days that this was one of our past lives, that she was Nusch, that Jakk was her husband, that I was her lover Sonia, and that blond was Pablo Picasso. I sent this to Jakk via text on my birthday 1/3/16.

My last reading w/ the TR was right before New years.

The spirits said on the 15th that Blond was still doing spells, so I messaged that to Jakk and then at the spirits suggestion facebook-messaged Blond’s mother asking to meet the next time she was in NYC. *Immediately* my work started getting attacked. Niece was saying Blond had called the cops on me. The phone had been ringing off the hook.

Niece had already started getting me going to the trees in December in a daily ritual integrating song and touching trees. It calmed me down. We had a special song, and eventually we had a special tree. Eventually i found out her name is sarah. One day i was told to bring a big branch home and now i carry it with me at all times. Niece then got me to CT for work to get me away from Blond’s influence.

*Up there it was introduced to me while doing the tree ritual that Niece had been my child in a past life. She said I had been the Virgin Mary and that she had been Jesus Christ (I am just telling you what I was told). I went into shock. At this point God started talking to me. Whether it was Him or not I do not know. I was told if I started working with the Bible he would protect me from Blond: I was to read the ten commandments at they are in the bible, 3 psalms a day, psalm 91, and do a cord cutting against Blond and my father. I started doing this and before you knew it, the bible started working on me. It started resonating.

Shortly thereafter “nusch”/Niece said to fix things in the past life between me jakk and niece we needed to let the sexual energies merge. I told you a little bit about this on the phone. They would have melook at innocent pictures of Niece & Jakk while I self-pleasured with the pendulum in my mouth. It was explained to me that Niece could “bring” Jakk to me somehow and this is why i am convinced that it was mind control, that someone was either pretending to be Niece or controlling Niece. They would have me put the branch under my feet while i did this. I made unbelievable creature-like sounds. It became unreal, but I never caught on. I thought it was because I was spending so much time with the trees. Meanwhile they were telling me i was becoming daphne and that i could not use the phone or the internet, and that Jakk was now schizophrenic, and that I needed to get him to a hospital. I’m going to send this one and get started on a follow up.”

#may 17 2017 #read the pamphlets and watch the tapes

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missing-wires · 1 year

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But I thought you couldn’t save Discord convos?

Technically, you can’t and it’s against TOS, but I used a third party app that extracted everything to html.

Ah, I see, how does it look?

Kinda shitty, tbh. Some of the images don’t load, but text wise everything is there. But maybe you could find a really good html viewer, that’ll make it look really good!

Haha, maybe, I’ll have to see what I can find. So what’s with these stalking claims? How did you find out where she lived?

Well, she initially she told me her name “Elizabeth,” haha so that much was never a secret. Later on, she sent me an unedited Venmo screen shot of a guy we referred to as Staff Sgt Scotty, who was this Navy aircraft mechanic, who enjoyed luring her off live streams.

White knight type of thing?

Exactly, he would pay her like $50 per hour to talk on the phone with her. One time, he wanted to talk to her for free, because he was being deployed again and asked for my advice.

Haha, what did you say?

Haha, I don’t even recall, to be honest. Maybe “Fuck that shit, charge him double” but I’m sure it’s in the convo. Anyway, she had 4 friends on Venmo, all of whom were publicly visible. I literally just typed in her ex’s name on FB, and searched “Elizabeth” on his friend list and her name popped up. I was concerned about how easy it was to find, so I told her.

Ahhh I see! And what about the pizza and the address?

Well for starters the pictures she sent me via text message were geo-tagged, so it was p obvious where she worked and lived. But even then, I wasn’t like 100% sure or anything until she confirmed it when she posted the pizza on FB.

Yeah, I mean, despite all the evidence, it was possible she could have like slept somewhere else and just been hanging out at certain place?

Haha, I mean of course. I never really cared to know her daily schedule. But like the geotagged shit was blindly obvious, why pretend like I don’t notice that shit?

Haha, bet, say how much did you pay this little bitch?

Haha, good question. First and foremost, everything I paid towards her streaming was completely refunded. Then I paid her $60 for 1 month of Snapchat access, but she cut it short after getting mad at me. My bank covered me the amount lol. I don’t know if it was a chargeback, but I told them what had happened and they covered it.

Aw that’s cool.

Yeah, so the first time i actually gave her any money at all was in early November. I sent her $100 to help with an unexpected tire/tow expense. I felt bad because she had literally just got a new car, and tried calling some “friends” but nobody would come out to help her. Left stranded, she turned to her mom, who’s always been there for her. She just sort of broke down and dropped some childhood trauma shit on her and I wanted to give her a little something to show her that I still cared, even though I had known what was going on, at that point

You knew at that point?

Haha, of course, I really just wanted her to admit it. I tried dropping hints about it, but had a hard time disguising my frustration.

Ah, that makes sense. So what, you only gave her $100?

No, I also sent her a $50 Amazon Gift Card as an early X-mas present, as well as a surprise donation of $6.66 to celebrate her reaching 666 IG followers

Aww, that’s a nice touch! Did she thank you for it?

Haha of course not, but by that point, I was never doing it for the thanks, haha. Or honestly, I don’t think I ever was doing it for the thanks. I just decided that I liked her and that was that.

Haha, I see, so in total you gave her $156.66 over the course of a year or so?

That is correct.

That’s not a big return for a year plus

Haha, no, it’s not

#Spotify

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skatetragedy · 2 years

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3/12/22

lately therapy has been pretty intense, i feel like i’ve had a couple therapists before that mostly only touched on surface level trauma. my new therapist is pretty intense, shes very sweet but sometimes i genuinely feel like my brain can’t process whats happening because it’s not use to digging as deep as she wants me to. It’s a bit humbling, hearing her consensus on why i act the way i act, its very vulnerable and embarrassing. i want to be better tho, i want my brain to get as deep as it can so i can be the healthy. in other news updates on some relationships :

athena and i have been talking more, and i think its good. nick really clouded me on many relationships because i was just too embarrassed to admit and talk about it to some friends that knew the extent of how he treated me and how we worked together. i missed her and i dont want a man to make me feel like i cant talk to my friends ever again. shes still with kayla, which is good i believe shes very calm and collected with her and i think shes been needing stability like this for a while.

ive seen nathalie a couple times recently, shes been talking to ali again which is disappointing but as ive said, i know how it feels. nathalie and i are always good, theres really nothing that will keep us apart or anything like that. we locked in forever nothing to really say about it.

sal and i are good as well. I do feel a bit of sadness when i think of putting sal thru what i put him thru with nick. i feel embarrassed and like a bad friend, but i dont understand why i couldnt help it. i wouldnt talk to him about it because i didnt want to put him in the position of listening to how his friend is with me and vice versa. eve though nick would never stop complaining but it was two sided when it came to complaints. i would just never say anything. i feel guilty and i dont know how to express it or make up for it. ill try my best.

nick and i havent spoken. he texted me to wish me well with therapy/work/school and i didnt respond at the moment. i called him one night to express i couldnt/didnt want to be friends with him. i dont think its okay to be friends with an ex let alone one that got you pregnant. he told me i could get over the pregnancy but its just not that easy, i was in n out of the ER, received chemo therapy, and had to be locked in my room for two weeks. it was mentally and physically taxing. he really has no emotion or regard to how i could feel, and i dont understand why i hadnt realized that sooner. i hope he gets the help he needs and that things go well for him, with me excluded from his life. he asked why we couldnt be friends and i gave him a list of reasons, he gave me solutions, then i said i had been seeing someone new and im trying to go my seperate ways, he said “oh so you only called to tell me youre seeing someone new i dont want to hear that” why ask for reasons, give solutions and only fixate on one reason you dont like. i hope he matures, he cant stay alone for very long and his toxic cycle he learned from katie will just continue.

i have a new friend, named mark. hes very attractive, funny, and sweet. we only recently started becoming a bit romantically involved. i had liked him from a distance when i first met him and i didnt understand why. i was talking to n*ck at the time and he was all rocky over the fact sal andi had become friends again and we were hanging out regularly. i believe i met mark on halloween, with a group of others with us. we didnt talk much, i just offered him poppers and he thanked me. end of story for halloween. i pursued him, embarrassingly enough not much came of it, until recently as im used to men being horny and ready to fuck whenever i say hello. i guess thats nice though, we went on a first date to a couple different bars and i had a great time, many embarrassing things happened around him and hes still stuck it through so im hoping that means something good. our first date was refreshing for me, he was gentleman and very fun to be around. aesthetically we are very different people, but mentally very in sync with anything we say or want to do, which was a little scary at first. i do like him, he stayed the night yesterday for the first time and i havent felt someone that comfortable and happy around someone for a long time. we spent all morning giggling and being silly in bed and i dont remember the last time i did that with someone without having sex. its refreshing that everything isnt about having sex at the moment, that he could possibly be around me because he likes who i am. i hope that doesnt change.

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comfortbucky · 3 years

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hey hey! can u do some fluffy bucky about having to share a hotel room w u and there’s only one bed!!!! and he’s trying to be respectful n stuff but man does he have the fattest crush on u! thank u <333

HEY HEY YES OMFGGG THE ONE BED TROPE (ur mind😌🤝)

i’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE I DIDN’T EXPECT IT TO COME SO SOON

𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗱, 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗼𝘁𝘀 ⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆ ｡˚

pairing: bucky x fem!avenger!reader

tags: enemies(?) to lovers BABYYYY, angst, fluff

A/N: i almost always write about tfatws!bucky in mind but let me try and branch out by writing about avenger!bucky hehe

i hope u enjoy🥺💗i absolutely loved this prompt and loved writing this!!!! (it is almost 4am for me as i am posting this :) i’m insane :))

this oneshot will not be following the canon timeline!

word count: 2k

my masterlist!

completed requests!

“Stick to the plan, Y/N.” Steve’s voice came through over the intercom. She rolled her eyes at his warning. He always seemed to be extra cautious with her, making her feel like an unimportant member of the team, and this mission was no different.

“I got this,” she said, completely ignoring his request and charging headfirst at the enemy. Her brash decision resulted in her receiving a heavy beat down, ending up with a split lip and fractured ribs.

Needless to say, Steve was pissed. He and Y/N developed a close friendship over the years, during his search for Bucky. She was oftentimes the one who would stay up all night with him, looking for any trace of Bucky’s existence online. She’d become one of the closest people in his life, which is exactly why he was upset with her, endangering her own life.

After the mission, he confronted her at the base camp.

“You could’ve gotten killed!”

“But I didn’t,” she snapped back. “And the mission was a success anyways, so I don’t get why you’re so mad right now.”

Steve closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing.

“It’s reckless behavior like this that’s eventually going to get you killed, Y/N.”

Bucky walked into the room and immediately regretted his decision as soon as he laid his eyes on Y/N. He’d come to foster an animosity towards her, after seeing her close friendship with Steve. After Bucky joined the Avengers, he noticed how much time they spent together, and jealousy started to fester within him. Steve was the only person he felt comfortable being around in the tower and she constantly took him away from Bucky. Everyone else seemed to have an aversion to him, or so he assumed. He never gave anyone the chance to get to know him, locking himself up in his room most hours of the day. Bucky didn’t think anyone would want to get to know an ex-assassin, especially one that killed the Tony Stark’s parents. She was the one thing that kept Steve away from him and he despised it. So Bucky did what he did best and avoided any sort of interaction with her.

Steve looked at Bucky and suddenly, an idea popped in his head. He had noticed how closed-off Bucky had been since joining the Avengers and refused to let Y/N be alone, worried that she might make another brazen decision. He hatched a plan to kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

“Bucky,” Steve said, making his way over to him. “You and Y/N will be assigned to the same room tonight.”

Bucky choked on his own spit in response and Y/N began to protest.

“You’re not serious, right?” Steve turned to face her with a stern expression.

“You’re not giving me any reason to trust you to be alone.” She let out a defeated sigh and crossed her arms across her chest.

“Why me?” Bucky asked, trying to figure out how he ended up in this situation.

Steve placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and looked into his eyes. “Because I trust you, Buck. I need you to do this for me.”

Bucky could see the desperation in Steve’s eyes and reluctantly nodded.

Steve was able to obtain another key card to the hotel room that Y/N was assigned to for the mission. He forgot to take into account the logistics of the sleeping arrangements, leaving Bucky to find a single bed as he entered Y/N’s room.

Bucky froze, his right hand on the door handle, keeping it open, his left hand by his side, holding his duffel bag. He racked his brain, trying to figure out what to do, when Y/N’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“Relax,” she started, motioning for him to come inside. “I’ll sleep on the floor, alright?”

Y/N knew that Bucky didn’t like her, despite Steve trying to convince her otherwise. It hurt her feelings a bit, especially after she’d learned so much about him through both Steve’s stories and the time she spent tracking him down. He was such an important person to Steve, her close friend, and Bucky hated her. At first, she figured he was shy and wasn’t ready to open up to anyone else, especially after all the trauma he endured. But she realized he actively disliked her over time, with Bucky always leaving the room when she entered or ignoring her offers to hang out with her and Steve. Eventually, she gave up on reaching out to Bucky, as she only seemed to upset him further, no matter what she did. She figured it was for the best.

Bucky stepped into the room and shook his head.

“Bed’s too soft for me anyways, I’ll take the floor,” he grumbled.

Y/N shrugged in response, knowing that Bucky would be too stubborn to try and argue against. She turned around and picked up the phone, calling the front desk to ask for extra blankets and pillows. When she hung up the phone, she turned back to Bucky to see him nod in thanks.

The rest of the night was silent, as they both prepared for bed, taking turns going into the bathroom to wash up and change. While Y/N was in the bathroom, Bucky arranged the extra blankets and pillows into a makeshift bed on the ground, something that he’d done countless times before. Y/N exited the bathroom in an oversized t-shirt that covered her shorts, and placed her toiletries bag in one of the hotel dresser drawers.

“Bathroom’s all yours.” Bucky grunted in response, grabbing some clothes and a bag headed for the bathroom.

“Don’t do anything stupid,” he stated, just before shutting the door behind him. Y/N scoffed at his comment, gently climbing into bed, in an attempt to not further injure her ribs. She winced as she tried to get into a comfortable position before settling to sleep on the side of her unaffected ribs.

Bucky emerged from the bathroom to see Y/N lying on her left side, her back towards him. He assumed that she had already fallen asleep and quietly crawled into his makeshift bed.

Approximately 10 minutes had passed, when he heard her sniffling. At first, he thought the noise was coming from outside the window, but he traced it back to her. He remained lying on his back for a moment, deciding whether or not to say something. Bucky sighed before speaking.

“You okay?” Y/N immediately stiffened upon hearing Bucky’s voice. She was hoping that he wouldn’t hear her crying, despite his super soldier hearing abilities.

“Yeah, ‘m fine,” she replied back, her voice wavering as she spoke. Y/N hated how weak and pathetic she sounded in that moment. Her fractured ribs made it hard for her to breathe and the adrenaline, that was previously shielding her from the pain, had faded, leaving her to lie there in agony. On top of that, she also felt that this mission solidified her belief that Steve had little faith in her ability to be an Avenger. The last thing she wanted to do right now, was to confess her insecurities to Bucky.

Bucky’s attitude softened, hearing Y/N’s voice crack when she spoke. He knew she’d gotten hurt due to her own, dumb, decision during the mission. Bucky quietly pulled his blankets off and stood up, leaving the room without saying another word. As soon as the door shut, Y/N burst into tears. Bucky did exactly as he’d done in the past many times before, leave. She wasn’t sure why this time upset her more than the rest. Probably because she knew that he was aware of her crying and he’d still chosen to abandon her completely.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening, causing her to stop crying. Y/N listened to Bucky’s footsteps growing closer, and felt the bed dip under his weight as he sat on the edge she was facing towards. She peered over the blanket she was covering her face with, to see Bucky facing her, holding a bag of ice, wrapped in a towel. Bucky’s heart sank at the sight of her glossy eyes and tear stained cheeks in the moonlight.

“For your ribs,” he spoke softly, gesturing to the ice bag in his hands.

“Oh. Thank you.”

Y/N took the bag from him, attempting to slowly sit up. She closed her eyes as she grimaced, and suddenly felt a hand on her back, helping her up. Her eyes opened to reveal Bucky, with a soft smile on his lips. She silently thanked him again, placing the ice bag on the right side of her ribcage.

“Thought you hated me,” she mumbled, keeping her gaze down on her lap. He furrowed his brows, keeping his eyes on her.

“I don’t hate you.”

“Well, you definitely don’t like me.”

Bucky paused at her comment, thinking about his next words, before responding.

“I don’t like that you take up all of Steve’s free time,” he grumbled, causing Y/N to quickly look up at Bucky, his eyes averting her gaze. Her face fell, immediately realizing why Bucky had treated her so coldly all this time. He just missed his friend.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky.” She placed a hand on his shoulder and he looked up at her in response. “I didn’t realize, I’m sorry.”

Bucky didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t expecting her to be so kind and understanding, even coming up with multiple points to argue back at her. He realized then that he didn’t know her at all, but that he wanted to now. In an instant, she became an entirely different person. He studied her eyes and wondered if they had always sparkled like that, if her cheeks were naturally rosy, or if her lips had always been so pink and plump.

His expression softened and he cleared his throat. “It’s fine,” he muttered, tearing himself away from her gaze to look down at his lap. After a moment of silence, Bucky stood up to return back to the floor.

“Stay.” The words left Y/N’s mouth before she had time to process them. Bucky froze and turned to face her. “I mean, if you want to, of course. Just figured the floor must be super uncomfortable for you.” Y/N felt a blush creep up onto her cheeks and kicked herself mentally. She looked down at her hands, regretting the words she spoke, before feeling the bed dip again. She looked up to see Bucky. He smiled and she almost melted at the sight.

She shifted over, putting the ice bag on the nightstand, as Bucky crawled into bed next to her. The two rested on their backs, both staring at the ceiling in silence. Bucky remained at a respectful distance away, not wanting to overstep any boundaries. Y/N turned on her left side, her good side, to face him.

“I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

Bucky turned on his side to face her before responding.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you.”

A strand of her hair had fallen in front of her face and Bucky, instinctively, reached out a hand to tuck it behind her ear. Immediately, he regretted it, about to pull his hand back when Y/N took her hand and placed it on top of his, guiding it to rest on her cheek. He cupped her face in his hand and she leaned into his embrace. Bucky felt his heart rate increase as she moved her body closer to his, wrapping the arm she used to hold his hand on her face, across his side. He shifted towards her as well, wrapping his arm around her body, bringing her closer to him.

“Is this okay?” He whispered, nervous that he might have somehow misinterpreted the situation. He hadn’t been with a woman in such an intimate way in years and had no idea what he was doing. Y/N looked up at him and nodded, before snuggling her face into his chest and Bucky felt a wave of calm wash over him.

“Can you stay here tonight?” Y/N mumbled, her face pressed into his chest. He chuckled at the vibrations from her voice and kissed her temple, smoothing her hair back.

“I’ll stay as long as you want me to, honey.”

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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 2 years

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Whomst Rambles: To My Star Season 2, episodes 3 and 4 (spoilers)

I don’t know how they keep doing this, but this show subverts my expectations in the best way possible.

The ex, aha at last. I’m on the fence about her characterization. On one hand, I can respect that she’s an individual, she seems smart and self-aware, and her conversation with Seojoon was hilarious. She is definitely suspicious, but she’s not digging. Yet. What I don’t get is her motivation. Trying to see it from her perspective: she moves back home after a long absence and runs into her ex (maybe high school sweetheart?) who she knows is back in the area. They seem to be on okay terms, so if this is their general dynamic, it’s a little perplexing why she keeps trying to smooth things over, because he is distantly but genuinely nice to her, and that’s not a bad thing—I have this dynamic with an old ex from back home when we meet, and it works well for us. You don’t have to hate each other or be pining for each other, you can just exist as two people who used to date. I’m actually interested in why she was hanging on to the couple bracelet. My real question (and hear me out) is why is she still interested in Jiwoo? Tbh there is (perhaps deliberately) no chemistry there, even in the “look we are cooking together and there’s a kid running around, there could be a future” scene, he doesn’t seek her out or try to subtly do anything special for her outside of a polite neighbor friend, whereas after 24 hours of Seojoon in the house, the guy who loves cooking already started altering his meal prep for him. In a weird way, she’s similar to Jiwoo, calm and stoic in appearance, blunt and practical. I wonder if that had something to do with it.

On that note, I do now have a working theory about the breakup, based on both the little we know about her and some of the things Jiwoo has voiced aloud as (concealed) fears: I think they dated and he very quietly fell for her very hard but she got the opportunity to study abroad and broke up with him before she left. Jiwoo has a chip on his shoulder in the first season about the idea that he’s just a passing interest to Seojoon, a brief thing to play with, and I wonder if that has its roots here—it would explain both her guilt and the reason she still seems fond of him.

So, theories on the breakup between Jiwoo and Seojoon—I agree with some others on here that we get cues about money still being an issue between them, and that around a year ago, Jiwoo was uncomfortable with the car Seojoon gave him. However, I don’t think it’s just about the money, either—he doesn’t list it in his fake little “why I dumped you” speech, and he’s had no trouble bringing it up with him before, so why wouldn’t he just say it? I wonder if it’s the whole package that’s become too much—Seojoon’s sociability and stardom that’s taken off again, the busyness, maybe someone he’s sees with a crush on Seojoon who he thinks would be better for him. Whatever it is, he clearly didn’t realize what breaking up with Seojoon would do—he isn’t cruel, just a little socially awkward and stubborn, and I wonder if his insecurity made him think Seojoon would be better off without him—which as of this episode, it finally seems to sink in that Seojoon is not doing okay. Interested to see how this will develop.

Those last few moments seemed crucial, not only for confirmation that Jiwoo has not remotely moved on from Seojoon in his heart (duh), but also because of what we learn about Seojoon’s mental health. Kim Pilhyun mentions he isn’t taking his medication anymore but doesn’t elaborate, and we’ve seen some signs of depression and reckless behavior. Im worried about our golden retriever pup. I think we must be getting closer to the core of Seojoon’s trauma, too—there’s something there about glass breaking, a weird light flashing in front of a child that almost looks like the light on a set, and anxiety over a child being lost and alone and frightened, especially with that casual mention of knowing what it’s like to not have your parents at an important school function. I have a feeling we are going to learn something awful happened when he was a kid that he has some kind of PTSD-related trauma about in addition to his general anxiety about things. Jiwoo’s slow shift in this episode says so much with so few words, and the sleepless nights are as much a cue to the audience as the gentle tone he eventually takes with with Seojoon—he can’t stop wanting to take care of Seojoon, he tries to comfort him in his own blunt way, and admits that the only reason he is being calm about the little girl missing is because Seojoon is panicking (with the unspoken implication that he is forcing himself to repress his own panic to watch over Seojoon and reassure him while he’s scared).

He actually comes to him, walks over and extends a hand/olive branch. It’s so curious that he asks Seojoon if he’s hungry before telling him the little girl is safe—maybe he’s so relieved he doesn’t think before essentially asking Seojoon to get food with him? Let me know if you have thoughts on this, I may have just been oblivious to some underlying tone and I am a little confused about what that question was about. He gets close to Seojoon willingly for the first time this season, and the kisses leave no doubt that he loves Seojoon.

So WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED I SWEAR—

Anyway. I need it to be next Sunday right now. I need Seojoon to be wrapped in a blanket asap and I need Jiwoo to keep up this honest streak and I need our boys to start communicating. (Please)

#whomst #to my star 2 spoilers #to my star 2 #jiwoo x seojoon

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lavaffair · 2 years

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Begin Again - Rated T

It's been a while since I've written anything, and it just so happens that I'm not writing a one-shot. It's a story with 9 (ish) chapters!!!

It's my first one ever so I hope you guys enjoy it if you decide to join me on this new journey.

_________

There is beauty in starting over when you get to let go of what happened and who you were in the past.

Kagome has moved into a new apartment, and she looks forward to a brighter future where she leaves the baggage of a toxic relationship behind. Rooming with her best cat Buyo, Kagome starts to experience the fun of living alone. Although, she didn't count on her neighbor being a cute half-demon.

She also didn't expect to develop a crush on him either.

you can find it on AO3! (Multi Chaptered)

__________

Chapter One

After unloading the last box into her new and empty apartment, Kagome felt like she could finally take a deep breath and begin analyzing the situation. She still needs to unpack her belongings and place them where they belong, and with her best friend's help, it will be done faster and efficiently. Her apartment complex was decently sized with multiple three-story buildings swarming the land. Rent was a decent price, one that she could definitely afford and live comfortably on her own, and the layout of the unit itself was really nice. Bunking with Sango and Miroku for eight months helped her to save up for the new move, and she was excited for this new phase in her life.

Moving into this place was like a breath of fresh air, so clean and free of the pollutants that once claimed her life. With this, Kagome was ready to leave her ex-boyfriend and all the pain he left her behind. The way the relationship had ended could be compared to a work of fiction, even to the point where she had to move in with her two best friends until she got back on her feet. The first two months had been terrible as she dealt with an aching heart and a broken spirit. Insecurity and doubt etched into her mind, haunting her while she continuously blamed herself for not being enough for him to stay faithful to her.

‘If he cheated on me, it’s clearly because there is something wrong with me.’

Although she had convinced herself that those words held true, with time and patience she began to heal. After days and nights of consistent crying, emotional breakdowns, and girls' night-outs for distraction, Kagome was beginning to glow differently. As weeks dragged on, she faced the trauma and pain head-on and allowed herself to feel it. Processing what had happened gave her a new, outsider point of view of the relationship. Journaling became a new hobby, giving her a canvas to write about any thought that crossed her mind.

Pros and cons lists were made, and Sango would scream with her in large, empty parking lots that were far from civilization with Miroku tagging along as their designated driver. Therapy sessions with her mother and hanging out with her brother Sota helped too. If it hadn’t been for her best friends and family; Kagome would have lost herself months ago. The days were rough, and it felt like the tears she cried would never cease, but they did. Just like that, all the love she carried for this man vanished as fast as he had turned into a stranger.

Kagome had learned her lessons, and now she could see the red flags that she once ignored. While focusing on herself, she landed a position as lead editor for the publishing company she worked for. It was a fantastic opportunity, and it made really good money.

The confidence that was ripped apart had returned, the self-doubt had disappeared, and she realized that what he did was not a reflection of her but a reflection of who he is. Truthfully, she’s not too sure if she’s ready for something new; there is still fear latched to her heart about trusting someone and falling in love all over again.

She shook her head to brush away that thought clouding her mind. Focus on the present!

“Okay, that’s the last of it.” Miroku declared. He locked the door behind him and observed the empty apartment.

“Don’t you think it’s cute?” Kagome asked, her voice filled with nervous excitement.

“Yeah, I really like the naked white walls and hardwood floors. Reminds me of our guest bathroom at home. ” He sarcastically replied.

“Ha-ha,” Kagome replied dryly. “Give me a few weeks to make this place mine and you’ll see.”

“I think it’s got a lot of potential.” Sango chimed in. “Plus, you’re great at decorating. Unlike Miroku when he was in charge of the said guest bathroom.” She cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Hey, I never agreed to decorate the bathroom,” He retorted, “You told me to do it.”

“Because it’s next to your man cave.” The girls replied in unison.

He pouted, clearly in defeat. “I like things simple.”

Kagome clapped her hands. “Perfect! So then we can all agree, my apartment is cute, especially when it looks like Miroku's guest bathroom.” Kagome cheered.

“Just like you.” Sango complimented.

Miroku chuckled at the scene before him, admiring the way the girls enjoyed each other's presence. “Alright. While you guys flirt with each other I'm gonna go ahead and order us some pizza.”

Kagome looked around at the unopened boxes and sighed. “While we wait for the pizza, wanna help me unload some of my stuff?”

Sango smiled softly at her best friend. “If I don’t help you, you’ll do it by yourself, and you’re clumsy enough to break something.”

Miroku put his hand over his cell phone's speaker and loudly whispered, “You may even break you!”

Kagome sent Miroku a mock glare, failing to conceal the grin on her face, and swiftly turned on her heel towards the kitchen with a huff. “Fine, then come help Miss Clumsy unload her dishes first!”

Carefully, the girls began unloading the boxes with Kagome’s fragile items one by one. Together they cleaned the cabinets and drawers before adding her dishes, pots, and pans. Miroku joined after placing the pizza orders and helped unload her cooking and eating utensils. Since she will be living alone, she didn’t have a lot of dinnerware, but she fell in love with a glazed set and she is very capable of dropping them all.

Once they completed unloading the kitchen items the pizzas had finally arrived, and they happily plopped down on the dusty floor to eat.

“Your next move is to get some furniture in here.” Miroku managed to say with his mouth full. He thought it was a good idea to add extra cheese to the pies, but now it’s so cheesy that he is having a hard time with it.

Kagome nodded before taking a bite. “I won’t have any for another week. My pick-up orders have been delayed, so I’ll be eating on the floor for the time being.”

Sango shrugged her shoulders and grinned. “Good thing you had your own bed. The floor is comfortable, but use a pillow if your butt starts to go numb.”

“Oh no, not my butt!” Kagome giggled, “My most prized possession!”

The group was quick to eat the large pizza, the quick meal helping them tremendously. It gave them enough fuel to continue unboxing as many of Kagome’s possessions as possible, as long as there was a place to put them. Together they built her bed and put her clothes away in her closet, as well as loaded her bathroom with all of her hygiene products and various soaps. The number of boxes left was manageable for Kagome to unload by herself, and all the heavy-duty items were already in their spots.

Sango dusted off her hands and exhaled, looking around the little empty apartment that will now be her best friend's home. “Guess that’s it.”

“Yeah.” Kagome breathed, joining her in taking in the empty living room.

Miroku shook his head and laughed, “You guys are acting like we don’t live five minutes down the road.”

The girls rolled their eyes and scoffed, “You just don’t get it.” They said in unison.

His eyebrows shot up, his eyes averting their gaze. “Well,” he laughed as he patted their heads. “Call us if you ever need anything. I won’t miss watching you eating my snacks while you binge watch movies on the couch.”

“Your Doritos are now safe once again.” She laughed.

“Nah, my oreos are safe. His Doritos were always your second choice.” Sango chimed in with a smirk. She pulled Kagome into a hug, squeezing her tightly in her arms. “I’ll miss seeing your grumpy face every morning.”

Kagome laughed, squeezing her back with the same vigor. “I’m down the street, you can come to see my grumpy face whenever you want.”

Sango squeezed her harder, “Call me whenever. We’ll run right over if you need us.”

“Babe, you’re gonna pop her like a balloon if you hug her any harder.”

They let each other go, laughter echoing around the empty apartment. They made their way to the front door, giggles still leaving their mouths as the reality set in that this would be the first night that they don’t live under the same roof together. Kagome opened the door and leaned on it, a sad smile now decorating her features.

“I’ll see you guys later.” Her hands fiddled with the doorknob, turning it back and forth within her hand. “Text me when you get home.”

Their car’s lights blinked twice as Miroku unlocked the doors, the finality of the day beginning to set in between them.

“We will.” He held Sango’s hand with his and pulled it to his chest, a common thing he does whenever he knows she needs comfort. They said their final goodbyes, and Kagome silently watched them open their doors and climb inside.

“Don’t talk to strangers!” She heard Sango’s voice yell from the window, her boisterous laugh reverberating in the parking lot.

She waved goodbye as their car pulled out of the spot, happy little giggles leaving her mouth for no one but herself to hear.

_____

Two weeks had already passed since Kagome moved into her new apartment, and in those fourteen days, she had already made it into a home. She surprised herself when she successfully built her new furniture without any extra help, being convinced she would have to call Sango to come over to be her second pair of arms. Her dining table and chairs, couch, and lounge chair had already come assembled; but her coffee table, dresser, and nightstands were easy to puzzle together with her small toolbox and little knowledge of assembly.

She padded herself on the back for her skills in interior decorating, thanks to the internet, she had already bought everything she needed before moving in and added them into their designated spaces once the furniture was added. With her home office now set up, and all the other rooms organized; she could finally lay around comfortably in her own home.

Work has been eating up all of her time, no thanks to the move, and she felt like she had been drowning in paperwork. Playing catch-up would never be easy for Kagome, as she usually sucks at staying level-headed under pressure. Luckily, she’s getting the hang of it thanks to her promotion, the mountainous piles of paperwork and tasks were slowly becoming no match for her quick thinking.

Her stomach grumbled loudly in the silent room, telling her that it was going to shrivel up and die if it isn’t fed soon. Again, she had prioritized her job over her hunger and now her body was complaining. Exhausted, she pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. Guess I need to go eat before my stomach decides to eat itself.

The chair pushed back with resistance against the floor; a piercing squeal followed the movement, and it made her body shiver in reaction. “That can’t be good for the floor, but right now, I’m too hungry to care.”

She sauntered to her little kitchen and pulled out some leftover dinner from the night before, along with an extra helping of rice because she deserved it, and threw it into the microwave.

“Buyo!” She called for her cat, “Come for dinner!” Her foot tapped on the hardwood floor, an old habit she picked up from her mother to summon the cats back home, and filled his little bowl with his favorite food.

While she set it back down to the ground, the microwave beeped, and she excitedly grabbed the plate full of food and set it on the counter. Her stomach flipped as it continued to growl and complain, her hunger was really starting to set in the longer she waited to eat.

Without caring about whether or not she burned her tongue, Kagome scooped the salmon rice into her mouth and hummed happily. She danced where she stood, too happy to take a seat at her dinner table to eat like a normal person, and stuffed her face faster than usual. The hours she had gone without any food, even a snack; had been a terrible idea and as she took her last bite she promised herself to never do that again.

A promise she had been breaking the last two weeks.

“Dinner was good huh, Buyo?” She asked her cat, the fullness in her stomach finally settling in.

Looking down towards the food bowl, she realized it was still filled to the brim, with no chunky Calico cat in sight.

“Buyo?” She called a second time, her voice raised with concern. “Where are ya bud?”

Kagome checked every corner, nook, and cranny in the hope she would find her cat hiding somewhere he couldn’t get out. She looked in his favorite spots, under her bed, and even in the bathtub, but she could not find her cat.

In a last-minute attempt as panic set inside of her, she decided to look for him outside of her unit. Buyo was an inside cat, and if he managed to escape somehow, she was convinced she was never going to see the beloved feline ever again.

His little bell is attached to his collar, I just need to be really quiet and focus on hearing it. With her two bunny slippers and oversized cardigan thrown onto her shoulders, she fought a heart attack and stepped outside.

“Buyo!” She cried out, her voice echoing in the parking lot. “Buyo, baby, come here!”

There was no sound, not even a little jingle or a pitter-patter of tiny paws on the concrete to alert her that he was around. Cars were searched underneath, flowers and shrubs were moved around, and she even crouched on the ground to look in between small areas.

“This your cat?” A male's voice called out to her, gruff and deep, yet welcoming.

In her crouched position she looked over to find that the owner of the voice was her neighbor, although this is the first time she has ever seen him in person, she was finally able to connect his voice to his face.

Kagome had to squint to make sure the giant, round fluffball in his hands was indeed her cat, but as soon as he loudly meowed in his arms it was confirmed from there.

“Oh my god, Buyo!” Legs wobbling from anxiety, she ran right over to the man and hugged him. The impulsive action hit her immediately upon feeling just how big and muscular the man she randomly hugged was.

“I-I’m sorry!” She stuttered, pushing herself off his chest. “I’m just so happy you found my cat.”

“You hug every person you meet?” His voice sounded rough as he asked her, but the flush on his face told a different story. This girl was cute, and he had definitely not expected to get hugged by his pretty neighbor.

“N-no! I’m just really thankful.” She repeated. “He’s my first cat, and I’ve never lost him before.”

The color of her cheeks matched his own, and it wasn’t just because she decided to hug a stranger, it is also because this stranger was the most attractive person she’s ever seen and it had her internally spiraling. With his long, white hair and piercing gold eyes, it was no surprise she was a blushing mess.

“I-It was nothin’.” The man replied, the cat in his arms becoming more interesting than the girl in front of him. He gently scooped him out of his arms and into hers, the furry cat nesting himself comfortably into her chest. “Ya gotta lay him off the cat food.”

“Hey!” She guffawed, “Take that back! Buyo’s shy.”

Her handsome neighbor chuckled, the sight before him was a lot cuter than he’d like to admit. “Shy enough to walk into my apartment while I’m making lunch? That’s even bold for me.”

Kagome couldn’t keep her smile back, the action causing his cheeks to redden deeper. “If Buyo likes your food, I’d take that as a compliment.”

Something about her smile had him reeling, it was inexplicable how this girl he just met could have such a strange effect on him. The same girl who just moved in two weeks prior, who he could hear singing songs to herself while she did her chores and babbled about things to her cat. The new sounds and smells that came out of her apartment were definitely welcomed, especially because he found her entertaining and new.

“What’s your name?” He found himself asking before he could stop himself. He already knew her name, but he wanted to hear her confirm it.

Her finger stopped wiggling around Buyo’s face at the sound of his curious voice, the feline deciding to paw at the finger to make her start moving it again. “My name’s Kagome. And yours?”

Kagome. He thought to himself, her name reverberated in his head. “Inuyasha.”

“Inuyasha.” Kagome smiled again, his name coming off like honey out of her throat. “And you’re a dog demon, right?”

Normally, that question would have turned him off and he would tune out the rest of the conversation because it usually never ends well; his minuscule amount of friends is proof of that. Although, with the way she asks it, he feels the need not to turn a cold shoulder towards her, because the tone in her voice is filled with innocent curiosity instead of malice.

“I’m half. Why do ya ask?”

“No particular reason,” she readjusted the now sleeping cat in her arms. “I just really like your ears.”

Heat flared up in his face again, the innocent compliment catching him totally off guard. The only people who verbally compliment his ears are his mother, the little old ladies he sees at the grocery store, and kids. Besides those experiences, he’s never received something so genuine.

He cleared his throat to play it cool, a smirk painting his face. “Flattery will get you nowhere, but I’ll take it since I saved your cat and all.”

Kagome rolled her eyes, playing along. “Technically, all he did was walk into your apartment to eat your food. He was safe the entire time”

“What if he wasn’t.”

“But he was.”

“I could have kicked him out into the street.”

“But you didn’t.”

“But the option was there.”

“But yet,” she grinned, “You didn’t.” Her gaze stayed glued to his own, the smirk on his face now dimming into an annoyed frown. She knew she won the little game, because instead of sending her cat into danger, he probably let Buyo sleep on his floors instead.

“I’m going back into my apartment. I’ve been out here long enough, and your chunky cat is back where he belongs.” He announced, knowing he wasn’t going to win against the raven haired beauty. He briefly opened the door and stepped inside, and decided to lean on it; knowing he wouldn’t go inside his home until he knew she went into hers first. It’s something he learned from his mom when he was a kid, and he always followed it, especially with girls.

From what Kagome could manage to see from his entryway, his apartment was simply decorated and dark, something she would completely expect from him even though they had only just met.

“Don’t hate on the chunky, Inuyasha!” She giggled at his unamused expression staring back at her. “Chunky cats have more to love.”

“Yeah yeah, go back inside your apartment.” He waved her off, closing the door.

Kagome smiled at his unit number, 200, before turning swiftly on her ankle to enter her house. With Buyo snuggled in her arms, his little body rising and falling with every breath he took, she suddenly felt sleepy as well and decided to turn in for the night.

What Kagome didn’t know was that her unamused, half-demon neighbor had quietly watched and waited for her own door to shut close, followed by the click of the locks to signal that she was safe.

#inukag #inukag fan fic #inukag fan fiction #inuyasha and kagome #inuyasha x kagome #fan fiction #fan fic #inuysha #kagome #ao3 #lavaffair #neighbors au #inukag neighbors au #inukag au #fluff #pining #neighbors to lovers

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goddessjynx · 3 years

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Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

#send help #please reblog #mental health #parents #mother #father #moms #family #reblog #important #self care #self love #self help #self esteem #self healing #my story

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anagentinwriting · 3 years

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Lifeline - Part 16

Summary: (First Responders!AU) Moving to Los Angeles and living with your brother, Thor, was never part of your plan nor was being a 9-1-1 dispatcher, but plans change when you are faced with your own emergencies. In your case, it was leaving behind a relationship that wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. Will this be the fresh start you were hoping for or will your past find a way to catch up with you?

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Odinson!Sister Reader

Word Count: 3600+

Warnings: Blood, angst, kidnapping, hospitals

Lifeline Masterlist / Main Masterlist

Thor whistled, clutching onto your Tupperware as he punched in the gate code to your condo, hearing a dog barking in the distance. “Dogs, such noisy creatures. This is why Darryl and I agreed to no dogs, but I will admit they can be adorable at times,” he mumbled to himself, pausing on the last digit, noticing the gate partially opened. “Huh? That can’t be right.”

He pushed open the gate and stepped in, turning to close it until he heard it lock in place. He reassured himself with a nod and continued up the path to your house, hearing the barking get louder. Thor rubbed his lips together as his eyes traveled to the small porch, spotting a dark figure lying on the ground.

“What in the name is…” Thor's eyes widened, getting closer and recognizing the figure to be Steve. Thor dropped your Tupperware to the ground, sprinting to him, and kneeled down next to him. “STEVE, STEVE. HEY, HEY, WAKE UP?”

The motion sensor lights flickered on, and Thor’s mouth dropped open, taking in Steve’s appearance. Steve was lying on his side in a small pool of blood. A gash on the side of his head glistened in the light with blood coating one side of his neck. Thor gulped, zipping off his sweatshirt, and pulling his phone from his pants pocket, dialing 911.

“STEVE, STEVE...YOU THERE BUDDY? STAY WITH ME…” Thor shouted, placing his phone on speaker and setting it on the ground. He rotated Steve onto his back, placing two fingers on his neck to check for a pulse while applying slight pressure to his head wound using his sweatshirt.

“911, what’s your emergency?” A male voice asked on the other side of the line.

“I need medical and police response to 761 High Ridge Drive Unit 1. We have an unconscious adult male suffering from some sort of head trauma.” Thor’s eyes traveled down Steve’s form, seeing a knife sticking out of his torso. “Scratch that, a head trauma and a stab wound to his torso.”

“May I ask who I am speaking with?”

“Thor Odinson. I’m a firefighter with the 107.”

“Wait, Thor…this is Bruce; is everything alright?”

“The victim is Steve Rogers. He is bleeding from both his head and his abdomen.”

“Units are on their way. Do you know what happened or how long he has been down?”

“I don’t know. I just came to drop my sister’s Tupperware off, and from the amount of blood, I would assume it hasn’t been long.”

“How’s his pulse?”

“It’s weak, and his breathing is shallow. Come on, Steve, wake up. Help is on the way.” Thor tapped him on the cheek, hearing a small groan leave his lips. “There you are. Good, good.” Thor let out a sharp, relieved breath, taking in his surroundings. His mouth went dry as he glanced over his shoulder at your front door, hearing a dog whining inside. “Steve, Steve, Where is YN? Is she still here?”

“YN,” he wheezed with his eyes closed. “Jig.”

Thor narrowed his eyes at him, not understanding what he was saying. “Jig? Steve, what are you saying? STEVE.” Thor tapped in on the cheek again but got nothing in response. He sighed, rechecking his pulse and nodding to himself when it was still there. “Hang on, Steve.”

“Responders are nearby,” Bruce stated through the phone. “Keep doing what you’re doing, Thor.”

Thor’s head snapped to the street upon hearing sirens, and the gate clicked open, having given Bruce the code earlier. Paramedics came rushing in, taking over his current position and examining him even farther. Thor stood off to the side, hearing nothing, but the sound of his own breathing, watching the medics work quickly. His mind was in a haze, and before he returned to his senses, Steve was on the stretcher going down the walkway. One of the paramedics was standing in front of him, staring at him with wide eyes. Her mouth was moving, but he couldn’t hear what she was saying.

“Are you going to be okay?” She asked again, placing her hand on his shoulder.

“Ahhh...yeah,” he nodded at her question. “Of course.”

“The police will be here shortly.” The paramedic patted him on the shoulder, handing him his phone before following her team.

“You still there, Thor?” Bruce asked as Thor watched the flashing lights disappear in the distance.

“Yeahhhh,” he dragged out, bringing the phone to his ear. “YN.”

He opened the door to your condo, and his stomach dropped at the carnage before him. The pillows and blankets that laid on the couch were scattered all around the living room. The small glass entry table Nat gave you was shattered to pieces along with what looked like a broken wine bottle. Photos hanging on the walls were no longer straight, and a few laid broken on the floor.

He gulped, staring at what stood before him. “No, no, no,” he chanted to himself, racing up the stairs. “YN, YN, where are you?” He shouted, looking around your room and bathroom upstairs. He ran back down the stairs, stopping at the bottom. “YN,” he bleated, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Thor, did you find anything?” Bruce questioned from the phone in Thor’s hand.

“She’s uh….she’s not here. She’s gone,” he sniffled, squeezing his eyes shut. “All her stuff is here, but she’s gone.”

“All units responding to 761 High Ridge Drive, please be advised we also have a critical missing adult female: YN Odinson Russo.”

“He found her.” Thor’s voice dropped, making his body tensed up. Every nerve in his body felt like it was on fire, causing the hair on his arm to stand up straight. He let out a deep calming breath, but it did nothing to calm him down.

“Hey, man. We’ll find her.”

“Bye, Bruce,” Thor grunted, hanging up the phone. He let out a frustrated sigh, running his hand through his hair. This wasn’t supposed to happen. How did he let this happen? He was supposed to protect you, but he failed you again. He promised you, and now, he broke that promise. He gave you to Billy without even giving you a chance, and Steve almost died in the process.

A noise behind him made his body jerk around in one swift motion with his hands raised, ready to throw a punch but dropped them once he heard it coming from the closet. He took a cautious step towards it and pulled it open, jumping back with his fists raised. He dropped them, seeing Cosmo whining and staring up at him. “What happened here boy?”

Cosmo stepped out of the closet, and that’s when Thor’s eye caught the red marks around his mouth. “Did you bite him?” Cosmo whined, forcing a slight smile to Thor’s lips. “Did I call your kind noisy earlier; well, I meant amazing.” Thor leaned down, scratching him on the head, staring at the stained fur around his mouth. Thor’s mouth spread into a closed-mouth smile with a single tear escaping down his cheek.

___________

Thor watched the crime scene unit take pictures, seeing the flashes repeat themselves over and over again. He bit his lip, picturing Steve lying motionless on the ground as he tried to imagine a better outcome for you. Were you okay? Were you hurt?

“Hey, big guy. How are you holding up?” Nat asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged in response, not breaking eye contact with the front door. “Do you know what happened?”

He shook his head, catching her eye. “He did it, Nat. I know it was him; It was Billy.”

“Hey, we can’t assume it's him. For all, we know he is still in New York. We will figure this out as long as you let us do our jobs.”

“Are you kidding me?” He stood up straighter, pushing Nat’s hand away from him. “My sister, one of your best friends, goes missing, and you think some random asshole off the street came in, hit Steve over the head, and stabbed him, and then, what...for shits and giggles was like BLEUGH, let’s kidnap her. I mean, come on, who else would want to hurt her, Nat? Who?”

“You don’t think I know that. You don’t think I know what that asshole put her through. You don’t think I suspected it was him when the call came through because I did...and if you think you’re the only one hurting right now, you’re wrong,” She countered, poking him on the chest. Thor clenched his jaw, staring down at her to see tears threatening to fall in her eyes. “You need to trust us and let us do our job. The same way people put their trust in you to save their lives.” She pursed her lips, stepping away from him to go inside to look at the crime scene.”

“She’s right, man,” Clint added, standing off to the side. “Let us do our thing, and we’ll catch him.”

___________

Thor looked down at his watch, still standing in the same spot on the grass. He was supposed to be getting questioned but like everything else. They were taking their sweet time when they should be focusing on finding you.

“Hi, I’m Detective Nick Fury, and from what I understand, you're YN’s brother.” Thor tilted his head, sizing up the man with an eye patch, noticing Nat and Clint behind him.

“Yes, how can I help?”

“From what my associates have filled me in on, they say you believe it was her ex-husband--” he flipped through his note pad “--Billy Russo. Yet, he lives some 3,000 miles away in New York City, so at this point, he isn’t guilty of anything.” He arched an eyebrow at Thor. “Did he know she was here?”

“Well… no, I don’t think so…but he did tell her if she ever left him, he would kill her.”

“Did YN tell you this?”

“Yes.”

“Did Russo threaten and/or hurt YN before this?”

“Yes.”

“She did file for divorce a day or so ago. It could have put her back on his radar.” Nat spoke up from behind him, and Fury nodded his head, writing a few notes in his notepad.

“We will look into him. Now, you mentioned to dispatch that before Rogers passed out, he mentioned someone by the name of Jig. Does that name sound familiar to you or you two behind me?” Nat and Clint both arched a bow, looking at each other, and mumbled no.

“No, I don’t know him,” Thor answered, furrowing his brows together before his eyes shot open wide. “WAIT, Fury. I remember Steve mentioning this new friend he was playing pool with; I never met him, but now, I know why because it was Billy. He got close to Steve so he could get close to YN.” Fury stared at him, trying to wrap his head around it. “What, you don’t believe me? I mean...look at Steve’s phone. It’s right by the door; check for yourself.”

Fury sighed, looking at him. “It’s a good theory, but unfortunately, the phone is locked. We can’t open it without the victim's consent.”

“He’s in the hospital right now after almost dying. I think that gives you consent to look at any of his things as long as it pertains to finding my sister,” Thor shouted, standing up taller and pointing at the front door.

“They will subpoena his phone records, but it’ll take time,” Nat added, crossing her arms. Thor shot her a hard glare, shaking his head with a vengeful smile.

“This is ridiculous. What if YN doesn’t have time? For all, we know she could be dead already because all of you are wasting time here instead of going out and looking for her. Come on, Billy did this.” Thor said, slapping his hand into his palm. “It’s like every crime documentary I've watched; it’s always the husband, boyfriend, lover, or ex...” Thor rolled his eyes and started pacing back and forth. “He almost killed Steve, and he could--he could kill her next.” His voice drifted off, rubbing his forehead.

“But he didn’t…” Clint stated, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Maybe you’re right; Billy did this. He found out where she was and hurt Steve, but YN’s not here...and if all he wanted to do was kill her…”

“...then I would have found her, too,” he sniffled, clenching and unclenching his jaw.

“And you didn’t.” Clint squeezed his shoulder. “She was alive when he took her, and we have to hold onto that right now.” Thor gulped, staring blankly at the front porch.

“You’re right,” he breathed, staring down at Clint, nodding to Fury and Nat. “I should let you work. I’m gonna head to the hospital to see Steve...that is if we are done here?”

“We’re done for now,” Fury nodded, watching Thor go to his truck.

“You don’t think you’re gonna find her alive, do you?” Nat asked Fury, crossing her arms across her chest.

“In these situations, the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves her abuser. YN knew this, that’s why she was hiding, but if it is him…well, these scenarios usually don’t come with a happy ending.”

“Do we have any witnesses?”

“None.” He shook his head. “At this time, we are still trying to access her security footage, but we did manage to get access to a street camera across the street. The image is a little grainy, but it did catch what looked to be a man forcing her into his car. All we got is a dark-colored sedan, which doesn’t exactly narrow down our search.”

“Nope, it just sounds like a bad guy's car,” Clint added, nodding his head.

____________

Thor sat on one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, leaning his head against the wall. Steve was still in surgery, and by the looks of it, no one found you yet. Bucky and Val showed up a little while ago and were both in the corner talking with Carol, who got there first. Thor sat there quietly, staring at nothing with his blood ragging and fighting the urge to punch something. He leaned forward, hunching himself over rubbing his face with his hands. He sighed, removing his hands, spotting a pair of workbooks in front of him. His eyes traveled up to see Val standing in front of him.

“Mind if I sit?” Thor pointed to the spot next to him and nodded with pursed lips. “I drew the short straw,” Val confessed, forcing him to scoff. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good, great even. The rage, vengeance, and anger coursing through my veins is nothing compared to what Billy is going to be feeling when I find that bastard.” He forced a smile, letting out a soft determined chuckle. Val placed a hand around his wrist, and he stared at her hand, feeling his invisible vail start to slip from his face.

“Everyone is feeling that way right now, but how are you really?”

He cleared his throat, glancing between Val and the floor, letting out a shaky breath. “I uh...I told YN that she didn’t need to keep running, that she should stay here and start over where she would be safe. I would keep her safe,” he sniffled, rubbing at his nose. “She had this dramatic plan all laid out, I was only her first stop, but then I convinced her to stay. I promised her I would protect her and keep her out of harm's way.” He stared off into the distance. “But, he still found her, and I broke our promise. If she left like she planned to and she kept running, he never would’ve found her.”

Val sighed beside him, squeezing his wrist before letting go. “It’s not your fault. Yeah, sure, you might have promised her things, but I know YN wouldn’t want you blaming yourself. Hell, she would smack you upside the head if she knew what you were thinking.” She knocked her shoulder with his, and he smirked, nodding his head. “There is no telling what would've happened if she kept running. He might have caught up with her, he might not have, but if he did, she would’ve been alone and scared.”

“She’s alone with him…now”

“But, I don’t think she is as scared as she would’ve been if it wasn’t for you being there and helping her through this.” Thor caught her eye as a stray tear fell down his cheek, but he quickly wiped it away, hoping it would go unnoticed.. “Dude, she was happy here, and I bet it was the happiest she's been in a long time.”

Thor was about to say something when his phone started ringing. He pulled it from his pocket, seeing Loki's name flashing on the screen. “It’s my brother; I better take this.” Thor stood up, answering it while he walked to a quiet hallway.

“What happened, brother?”

“Why would you assume something happened? I could’ve just called to see how you’ve been or asked about the movie you’re working on.”

“It’s a theatre production, not a film, but seriously brother, what’s the problem?”

Thor walked back and forth in the hallway, not knowing what to say or how to say it. He breathed into the phone, leaning against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Say something?”

“What do you want me to say? That I messed up again. And our little sister is yet again in danger because of me. Or how one of my good friends is in the hospital, fighting for his life.”

“What? She’s gone? How did this happen?” Loki shouted into the phone, forcing Thor to remove it from his ear. “Thor. You had one job, just the one; keep our little sister safe. And you couldn’t even do it,” he snapped with an exasperated tone.

“I did keep her safe. Sorry, I wasn’t coddling her like you did in New York. I, at least let her have a life, make friends, and have fun without me being…”

“I beg your pardon, we had fun here, and she has tons of friends here,” Loki interrupted.

“Well, at least I encouraged her to stay and start over instead of galavanting around like a chicken.”

“Why a chicken?”

“It’s a saying, I don’t remember the other half of it, but it’s not important. YN managed to find a new life, and she’s happy here.”

“I never said she wasn’t happy, and she wasn’t unhappy in New York either. It all comes back to the sleazebag she married.”

“We finally agree on something,” Thor added with a knowing smile. “If only sister could see us now?”

"She isn’t to know about this.”

“She wouldn’t believe us anyway.”

“You have a point there.” Thor could picture Loki’s wicked smirk on his face.

“When can you get here?”

“I’m leaving for the airport now. I’ll see you soon, brother.” Loki hung up, and Thor closed his eyes, letting out a deep breath.

Thor came back to the waiting room to find Nat and Clint there with their notepads out, probably asking them questions about Steve. He returned to the chair he was sitting in before, hunching himself over and twirling his phone around in his hand with his leg bouncing. He caught Nat’s eye, and he shot her a hard glare, shaking his head. She didn’t even care that one of her best friends was abducted; instead, she was more worried about her job and following orders; when did she decide to finally become a rule follower. Thor heard footsteps approach him, and he looked beside him to see Sam.

“Hey man, I heard what happened. Sorry, I’m so late. I took an extra shift. Everything alright? Do you need anything?” Sam asked, taking the seat next to him.

“No news and I’m doing fine,” Thor gulped, leaning back and resting his hands together on his stomach.

“Any news on Steve?” Thor shook his head, staring straight ahead. “Do the police have any leads on YN?”

“None. As far as I am aware.” He shrugged, pointing to Nat and Clint. “They haven’t told me anything yet.”

Sam nodded, glancing between Thor and Nat, sensing something happened earlier. “How were Steve’s injuries? Was he still conscious?

“They seemed severe, but we’ve both seen worse. He had a gash on the side of his head, a knife sticking out of his torso. There was quite a bit of blood. He was unconscious, but he did manage to say YN and Jig before he passed out again. Never met him, so I don’t know if he has something to do with this. I have my theories, but the police aren’t looking into it. I told them to check his phone to see if Jig’s number matches her ex-husbands and that maybe he was lying about his name, but it’s breaking the chain of custody or some nonsense.” Thor crossed his arms, shaking his head.

“Wait, Steve said Jig,” Sam questioned, and Thor nodded, having explained this multiple times so far. “You know I suspected him to be a little off when I met him at Happy’s. He seemed a little too full of himself with his hair gelled back, and his... “

“You’ve met him,” Thor asked, sitting up straight with wide eyes. “If I bring up a picture of him. Do you think you could recognize him?” Sam nodded, and Thor scrolled through his phone until he found a picture of you and Billy. “Is this him?”

“Yeah, that’s the guy. How did…” Sam’s eyes grew wide. “Oh, shit.”

“I knew it.” Thor shot out of his chair heading straight for Nat.

____________

AN: Thanks for reading Part 16. Oh snap! How did this happen? Things were going so well, her and Steve were going to go on a date, but now she got kidnapped, Steve is in the hospital, and Cosmo got shoved into a closet. And just when Thor was starting to forgive himself for past events, this shit happens! And what is going on with Nat being a rule follower all the sudden? Interesting...And now, Loki is on his way to LA. (I never wrote him before, so I hope I did him justice!!) And for those of you that are 9-1-1 fans, it is similar to the kidnapping episode, you know the one. I like how they concocted it, so I worked off of that, but I did tweak it to my liking. As many suspected, Jig turned out to be Billy. It's a good thing Sam met him that night otherwise who knows how long it would've taken for them to realize. Also, I am curious if any of you Googled the name Jig with Marvel because I did, and he popped right up! Haha! Or did my subtle hints help you figure it out? Anyways, any theories as to what's to come? Will Thor ever be able to forgive himself? Is Steve gonna pull through? Are they going to find her in time? So many questions...I hope you all enjoyed Thor's POV in this part, I thought it would be a good change of pace. Anywho, my ramble is done, comments always welcome! Thanks again for reading!

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7wanderingpaws · 4 years

Text

Captain Bucheon 01

(gif is not mine)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader (Lee Nari)

Genre: policeman AU; enemies to lovers AU

Warnings: langauge

A/N: First chapter! Yay! Super excited! Also, the feedback I got for the prologue - THANK YOU SO MUCH. Im super excited and happy and grateful. Hope you will enjoy this one! ^^

story masterlist masterlist

: prologue

>>>First<<<

Loud screeching was what woke you up. Thundering of footsteps down the corridor made you groan and turn in bed because for god's sake, it was Saturday morning and they just had to be loud at 10am!

Your roommate, lying in the bed just four feet next to yours, stirred awake too, though considering her eyes were fully open, she must have been up for a while now. “I’m glad it’s them waking you up and not me.”

You sighed and managed to smile but you were tired. Life in dormitories sucked, but yours even more so since you were assigned probably the worst dorms in the campus. Having to share bathroom and shower rooms made you leave your comfort zone. But finding toilets in the terrible state you did just purely horrified you. Why weren’t some girls flushing the toilets?!

“You know very well I won’t kill you if you wake me up, Yuyeon-ah,” you mumbled, your voice hoarse. Having Yuyeon as your roommate was the only positive aspect of the dorm life. Some would argue it’s the most important one but you were selfish and you wished you had a private bathroom like the other, more advanced, dorms had. There wasn’t even a kitchen where you could cook your ramyeon deliciously!

“Doubtful,” muttered Yuyeon, amused, and she moved to sit up and start her morning routine while you decided to lie around for just a little bit longer.

Working tirelessly many evenings made you tired and the exhaustion always caught up with you during weekends, where, frankly, you didn't have work. Also, it being the beginning of your second semester, the tension and stress were on but you decided you wouldn't let it affect you too much. You have had enough stress in your entire life and you swore you would become your usual cheerful self.

And you had been, indeed, working on it. But that meant getting over, and hopefully, forgetting everything that happened almost one year ago. Your brother was still in prison and your family, terribly disappointed and in pure shock at what had become of your brother (plus your underage drinking fiasco), you all decided it would be better for you to move to the dorms for the time being. Another story was forgetting about the person who was behind the entire turn-over of your life.

Byun Baekhyun.

You never saw him after that one time he came to your high school. In that moment, you were numb, paralyzed and it hurt to see him. He dared to act like he cared. But over the time, you grew hate towards him. A hate that was weirdly combined with some emotions you really didn't want to pay too much attention to, because they were all based on a fake relationship. A relationship, that was something so beautiful, just for it to end up becoming a complete nightmare. A trauma. A terrible trust issue that you might never be able to get rid of.

It was safe to say that you, Lee Nari, would rather spit at Byun Baekhyun than ever start a conversation with him let alone acknowledge his presence were you to meet him. Not that you were expecting to meet him. After all, you had been incredibly careful - especially around Oh Sehun - in avoiding him by never-ever-ever-ever even coming as much as close to the street where the main Bucheon Police Station was located (but too bad for you; it was literally in downtown Bucheon) and even if you had to cross it, you whined and had to be dragged by your wrist (by Yuyeon). On the good side, there was never a chance for you to cross his apartment building as he lived in a different neighborhood. So that was, thankfully, out of the possible trouble inducing locations’s list.

But still, you couldn't help feeling anxious about spotting him somewhere. The first few months, you might have been looking around with too much hope, wanting to see his real self instead of the ogling at the few photos you had together stored in your phone. Just one glance of his eyes, nose, lips was what you wanted; it was maddening.

Then the flashes of that day came back, ruining every sweet memory, every sweet touch of his engraved into your skin, every stroke of his lips - it all vanished, instead morphing into his stern, burning gaze of which you were on the receiving side. The way he blamed you, the way he wanted to arrest you, and then the way he wouldn't let even your own mother hit you yet he gave you the harshest of punches… The moment of you overhearing his conversation with his tall colleague (you already forgot his name) until your entire world crashed on you. He lied. He never liked you. He never wanted a real relationship with you. He used you to get to you. Byun Baekhyun wanted to arrest you and then he arrested your brother and smashed your heart into tiny pieces. How could you ever recover?

“What, you're not getting up?” shrieked Yuyeon when she came back from the bathrooms, towel hanging around her neck. “The results of the votes are today so you better get up and prepare. You're the school's star, missy,” she grumbled and went over to her table, continuing her complex skin-care routine.

Right.

The way to get over Byun Baekhyun was to live and you could do that thanks to your friends.

Pfft, you had places to be. Forget about Byun Baekhyun.

Because of your communications major, you somehow ended up in the university’s student council. You were representing your school year but it was still unclear how the hell you managed to win over more than half of your classmates when all you ever did was hide or be with Yuyeon.

You entered Bucheon University with pretty damaged self-esteem, your cheerful self still recovering from the scandal. However, despite always doing something mischievous with Yuyeon neither of you had a huge circle of friends. It was only natural that the two of you did everything together. Even now, it was mostly you and her, plus Sehun and some other friends. Unfortunately to you, many males voted because of the nature of your chest. The quiet girl with huuuge boobs, they were saying with hushed voices.

“Don’t pay attention to them, it’s you winning at the end of the day,” advised Yuyeon at the time.

So when the both of you waltzed into the seminar room with a round table in the middle and took seats (Yuyeon was there for your moral support), you could only glare at one senior who was sitting opposite you, his eyebrows wiggling as he shamelessly drunk in your chest which was, as per usual, hidden under an L-sized hoodie. It seemed you could never escape.

When the president of the student council, Chul, appeared you all stood up and bowed to him respectfully even though he was a student just like you. He was the oldest though.

To your surprise, he walked straight over to your chair, throwing a charming smile at Yuyeon, who let out a quiet scoff in return, before leaning down to whisper in your ear, not forgetting to touch your shoulder gently: “May I have a chat with you? It’s rather private.”

When he leaned away, you blinked twice but nodded and followed him outside for a moment. You could hear whispers erupting after you left though you paid no attention to them.

“What is it, Chul?” you asked, crossing your arms over your chest. Chul was one of the very few who never got distracted by it and you were thankful. He helped you a lot in your first semester, like finding you a job and teaching you how to drive a scooter so that you could easily do the deliveries while introducing you to some other interesting people on the campus.

“So about the spring festival - I have two things,” he started, his gaze set on your eyes, always making sure he reciprocated the eye contact. “First, you are taking part in the relay running for our team with representatives. Second, you have been requested as the MC-“

Before he could finish, you sighed holding out your hand to stop him, feeling the nerves kick in, not even paying attention to the first news. “Those votes aren’t even valid. They are all mocking me, Chul. Besides, I don’t wanna do it.”

Chul let you finish, patiently nodding. “Well, hence me stealing you from the meeting.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been requested,” he repeated, emphasizing the last word, “by our main star.”

“I thought we haven’t heard back from the agencies yet?” you asked. You’d written countless emails to various agencies, asking for special famous idols of theirs. To your utter distaste, it also included Siamsa but you couldn’t tell anyone you knew what an annoying, fake bitch she was.

He shrugged. “Well, we heard back from a couple. Siamsa agreed to be the main star of the festival under one condition,” he murmured, lowering his voice. He pointed his index finger at you. “If you’ll do the MCing for her.”

That left you speechless. That delusional woman wanted what now?! “I don’t want to, Chul,” you shook your head, frowning.

It made you wonder why you were getting nervous in the first place. Was it because of her status and having to stand in front of your entire school or was it because of the connection you both shared and that was Byun Baekhyun? Just the idea of having to face her and having to be reminded that she dated your ex made you weirdly sick in your stomach.

He sighed, scratching his neck. “I’m sorry, Nari, but I’m afraid I’m gonna want you to accept it. She is the hottest idol out there and everyone wants her the most. Imagine the attention our university - and especially us, the school council, could bring in. Don’t let us down,” he added gently, though you could sense authority in his voice. Chul was always fair, you had to admit. He never asked you to do anything that made you uncomfortable, never asked you the reason for your reluctance in the past but now he insisted and it showed in his intense gaze.

“I’ll help you with the preparations,” he added, smiling encouragingly. “You’re much more outspoken and talented than you give yourself credit for, so I’m sure you’ll be a star just like Siamsa.”

Well, he really didn’t have to say that last sentence. If there was someone you wanted to be like, it was your good old self. Of course you had more talent, after all you were the big-mouthed one.

Chul patiently waited, seeing that you were mulling over the options. When you looked up at him, you slowly nodded while hating yourself. “Fine. I’ll do it. But-” you stopped him from smiling widely, “what happened with the original voting? Who won?”

“Obviously, you.”

You shook your head quickly. “But I mean who is the actual winner?”

“Not important,” he muttered, brushing past you. “Let's head back inside. Not everyone has the time to sit around waiting on a Saturday.”

Once the meeting was over, you couldn't wait to spill the news to Yuyeon but needed to wait until lunch time, when you would meet Oh Sehun. You had sent him a text earlier asking if he was still grabbing lunch with you and Yuyeon (secretly you were writing these messages for obvious reasons - you couldn't risk he would be with Baekhyun). Since he had agreed, you and Yuyeon were speed-walking to the cafeteria, both of you hungry.

Once sat down and joined by the tall friend, you looked around varily just to make sure he really came alone.

Sehun sighed, tired with your dramatics. “I'm alone, Nari,” he rolled his eyes as he was mixing his tuna bibimbap. “And now spill. The both of you have been acting like rabbits on energy drinks.”

Shooting him a frown, you still rambled away for ten minutes, telling them what had happened. Yuyeon knew about Siamsa and your past experience with her and Sehun also knew the vital triangle connection of Siamsa, Baekhyun and you. He still seemed shocked and even uncomfortable when he heard your entire story.

“What made her request you?” he asked after he swallowed a big chunk of food. “I mean - does she even know your name? Your university?”

“And you literally met her a year ago,” added fervently Yuyeon, deep frown wrinkling her forehead.

Just like your friends, you also had many questions but no answers. Mulling over various possibilities, Sehun finally spoke up: “Should I ask Baek-”

“No.” Your answer was abrupt, but cold, empty and harsh to which Sehun winced the slightest bit. Even hearing his name made your heart race fast and hence the sudden cold behavior. Sehun knew you as a cheerful, kind girl so seeing you being affected by his friend to this extent made him quite perplexed but nothing he wasn’t used to by now. It was his fault; he should have known better than to bring him up.

Yuyeon shot you an unsure look but this time, you ignored it, focusing on shoving around the rice in the steel bowl with the spoon.

“You should have declined,” tried Yuyeon.

“I did decline,” you answered eagerly. “I feel like that bitch might have something up her sleeve. If she does, I should be ready.”

Sehun was flicking his gaze between you and Yuyeon, thinking over your words. Surely, things you didn't know about could hardly hurt you, right?

After lunch, Sehun bid his goodbyes to you.

“Where are you off to?” you pouted, looking up at him with puppy eyes. “It’s Saturday, let’s do something fun!”

“I’m going to the running tracks today with my friend,” answered Sehun and ruffled your hair in amusement to which you pulled back and away from his sneaky hand. “Maybe later, hm? I bet you’re gonna do something with the student council anyway.”

“You and your running, aish!” grumbled Yuyeon. “Go, go, we don’t need you anyway.”

“Don’t get into trouble!” Shouted Sehun as he turned to walk towards the gymnasium and the track field. He waved one more time before he had his broad back on you.

You scoffed and grabbed Yuyeon’s hand, yanking her towards the dorms. “Well, making trouble has been more challenging since we are old enough to do trouble,” you exclaimed, jumping a few times to make Yuyeon walk faster. She whined and tried to pull away but your grip tightened and you snickered. “But that doesn’t mean we still can’t go and have fun tonight!”

“Let’s do one more round.”

“Hyung,” groaned Sehun tiredly, feeling the sweat dripping down the sides of his face. “Enough.”

“One more.” Byun Baekhyun shook his head once before he took off for another round. “Losers will keep losing!” he shouted with a cheeky, handsome smile, running backwards for a bit to check on Sehun and when he saw the tall male run after him in challenge, he snickered and turned back, dashing off into a sprint.

It’d been like this for almost a year. Baekhyun was always a gym buddy with Sehun but in the past eleven months, Sehun became a small, indirect punching back. Whether it was because he suddenly became a mutual friend with a certain someone or whether it was a punishment for being there that night with her, he didn’t know. He didn’t want to know.

One thing he surely did know was that running helped him ease his mind and relax, maybe make him feel a little bit more numb like he so wished to be.

Getting rid of any intruding thoughts of Lee Nari was difficult. He felt sorry for her, the victim of his job. Fooling around with a young girl was not his plan but he knew he did it for the better good. He tried to persuade himself that he did it for the better good while pushing back the need to search for her and make sure she was doing alright.

As he was nearing the finish line, Sehun caught up with him and they both jogged towards their bags nearby the tracks to freshen up. Sehun was heaving like a parched horse which made Baekhyun chuckle as he reached for two bottles, throwing one to his friend.

“Cheers,” exhaled Sehun harshly and quickly opened the bottle, gulping down the needed liquid.

Baekhyun hummed in reply and waited for his heartbeat to calm down before he would have a sip. “How’s everything?” he decided to ask. “The new semester just started.”

Sehun swallowed and closed the bottle. “It’s just the first week. You know the drill - introductions and boring stuff.”

“Nothing interesting happened then?” Baekhyun was very subtle in hints. Sehun was, thankfully, quick-witted.

“We will have the university festival in May,” he replied with the slightest of smirks on his face. “Siamsa is confirmed to perform.”

Baekhyun wasn’t looking at Sehun and even the information he just heard wasn’t worthy enough to make him pay attention. “Cool. She is an artist after all.” He noticed some girls approaching the track and he felt a small tinge of dissatisfaction. He really liked when the track was only his.

“One of my friends will be the MC. Actually, guess what! Siamsa made a special request. Funny, right? In what universe does a singer of her caliber ask for a mere first year student?”

Baekhyun snapped his head to Sehun. “Why?”

Sehun shrugged. “We don’t know why she wanted her out of everyone... though-“ Sehun pulled a thinking face. “It might have something to do with you.”

Baekhyun sighed, already feeling tired. “I don’t like that one bit. Siamsa is sneaky.”

Sehun nodded. “She didn’t want to do it but her senior kind of ordered her. So I guess she doesn’t have another choice.”

“What kind of senior is that if he makes her do stuff against her will?” huffed Baekhyun, his hands on his hips. “Isn’t he supposed to be there to support her?”

“Well, yeah. He did a lot for her so she feels like she has to do it.” Sehun decided to not share any more than that despite sensing Baekhyun’s questioning stare. He knew Baekhyun wanted to know what that “a lot” meant.

When Baekhyun knew he wouldn’t be getting more out of Sehun, he sighed and tapped his shoulder. “Thanks for telling me.” He moved to grab his bag from the floor when Sehun stopped him.

“Hyung.”

Baekhyun raised his eyebrows in question, waiting.

Sehun opened his mouth but then ended up closing it. Baekhyun was a tough nut to crack. It was obvious he was always interested in Nari’s well-being but him pretending not to do so was frustrating.

“I think-“ he re-started, remembering Nari’s emotionless face when he mentioned Baekhyun earlier that day. He opened his mouth to talk but Baekhyun was faster:

“I think it is better to leave everything up to her, Sehun. She is a smart young woman. If anyone can do well, it is Lee Nari. After all, she is finally able to do everything she was pretending to be doing.”

Sehun snorted a laugh, mockingly rolling his eyes. “And since when did you become so-ugh, respectful about that? Nari is stubborn and doesn't know anything about life.”

“It is none of my concern, Sehun,” replied quietly Baekhyun, looking somewhere off in the distance. “But I know she is stronger than you give her credit for.”

“She might hate you and she might not be over what happened between you two-”

“I locked up her brother,” gritted Baekhyun, “and before that, I wanted to lock her up. What makes you think there is any way for both of us to function normally even if we do meet?”

Sehun sighed. It was difficult to communicate with the both of them. Yes, they were both hurt but goddamn it. Anyone could know they cared for each other.

Baekhyun sensed Sehun's dilemma and so he stepped to the taller male and gave him a curt smile. “Don't push it, Sehun. She will be fine.”

Sweat was gradually collecting around your hairline until it turned into one huge tear drop travelling down the side of your face. The text message was as clear as the night sky.

Unknown number

drop it at the 1047 unit

top floor

“It's impossible,” you muttered, feeling yourself becoming nervous. You were standing in front of 1047 and it was definitely not the top floor. It was the first floor, just like the first number indicated.

Gnawing at your bottom lip, you raked your head about possible connections you could contact when you couldn't deliver the boxes as you were supposed to. There was never a responsible person, only an unknown number sending you messages with the quest and a requirement to always be careful (you supposed the carefulness was concerning the boxes). You would receive a confirmation message when the box was in safe hands. That was it. No unnecessary contracts; just you and the job at hand.

You tried calling Chul, you senior. After all, he was the one who fetched you the job but even he wasn't available at that moment.

When you were just about to lose your mind, your phone rang making you almost drop the box. Thank god for your reflexes. “H-hello? Chul?”

“Hey, what's up?” he chirped.

You told him quickly your problem but you weren't expecting his light voice to become more serious. “You can't find the place? Are you sure you are in the right building- shit, the time is almost up. I'll be there right now:”

Heaving out a breath, you checked your wrist watch. The box was supposed to be delivered within fifteen minutes. How would Chul make it in time for you, you weren't sure but you soon found out when you heard his rushing steps, his phone's screen lit up with the exact information you were provided with.

“Hey,” he breathed, taking in your worried gaze as you gave him an apologetic smile.

“Sorry for the fuss.”

He shook his head once, muttering a single “no need” before he took the box out of your arms and put it down in front of the door. Grabbing your hand he started pulling you downstairs. “We gotta get out of here.”

“Huh?” you looked back at the box helplessly, before you couldn't look anymore, instead watching out for your step on the stairs. “Wait - Chul, I need to fulfill the task.”

He shushed you and before you knew it, you were outside in the chilly air. Dragging you a few more metres, he heard an approaching car's engine and he was fast to push you into a small alley that was barely lit by any street lamps.

“Chul-” you started, frowning. You didn't like him manhandling you like that.

“Do you trust me?” he whispered as he made you press your back against the wall.

“Yeah,” you breathed, eager to hear any information he could provide you with to explain what the hell was going on.

To your utter horror, a police car drove by, but you weren't terrified about why the police car was there. You were terrified about a certain someone sitting in that car and you possibly having to face that certain someone. Just the thought of having to see his shocked or disappointed face yet again made you inwardly whimper.

When the car was far enough, Chul turned to you. “You are doing a great job, you really are. But you mustn't, by any means, get caught by the police while doing deliveries. Got it?”

Feeling your heart thumping loudly from the adrenaline, you nodded. “What about the box then?”

Chul cursed when he looked at his phone. “Three minutes left. Go in and check the box. If it's still there, take it to the top floor as per request. Sometimes they give misleading information to you in case your phone gets stolen. Next time, make sure to double-check all the information they give you, okay?”

You were nodding eagerly and already started walking back to the small apartment building.

“I have to go but write to me if the mission is successful. Now go, quickly,” he said and without waiting, took off into the opposite direction.

Due to the stress, you didn't even stop to think about the weirdness of the situation. Rushing back in, you went to the first floor where you left the box. You were rendered motionless when the box was no longer there.

Someone took it.

Feeling fear creeping into your system, you took out your phone to call Chul just when you received a confirmation message.

Unknown number

the box has been successfully delivered

#exowritersnet #baekhyun #policeman au #baekhyun fanfiction #baekhyun angst #baekhyun fic #baekhyun scenario #kpop au #kpop fanfiction #exo fanfiction #superm fanfiction #CB #mywritings

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davids-cartoon-corkboard · 4 years

Text

I have said a Lot about the “Raph is a system” theory over the past several months, so this is something of a compilation post. It’s got some new stuff, it’s got some old stuff. (You’re reading Part 1) (Part 2 is here) (Part 3 is here)

---

Firstly, “system” is the term for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID. (The term can also apply to some folks with OSDD.) Someone might develop DID after experiencing long-term trauma at an early age- roughly five or six years old. To paraphrase the DSM-V:

1. We’ve seen three (possibly four) distinct personality states who speak, act, and perceive others differently.

2. The personality states, or “alters”, don’t necessarily share memory, and Donnie insinuated in “The Clothes Don’t Make the Turtle” that Raph has a bad memory in general.

3. Problems arise when alters don’t get along or aren’t on the same page. That none of them seem to be quite aware they’re a system doesn’t help either; it’s hard to work on communication and cooperation when you don’t know they need to be worked on!

4. This whole situation isn’t a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice, or just Raph playing make-believe. (Though I wonder if he had “imaginary friends” when he was younger...)

5. It’s also not because Raph’s been smoking the devil’s lettuce or whatever. “Pizza Puffs” was one long weed joke and he was the only one “sober” (not poisoned) throughout! We don’t see this happen to other mutants, so it’s not a bizarre side effect of mutagen either.

(I’ve seen a few people joke that Mikey has “multiple personalities”, but that’s a tad yikesy and also just plain incorrect. His “doctor” personas are something he does deliberately, and youngest siblings are just Like That.)

So yeah, Raph is pretty heavily DID-coded. We’ve seen four alters so far:

“Host” Raph (HR): He’s our everyday Raph. A “host” is an alter who fronts most of the time and takes care of “business as usual” situations. They are often unaware of past traumatic events, such that they can appear “normal”. (Ex: the host of a child who lives with an abusive parent could be unaware of the abuse. Otherwise, they might cry or be uncooperative whenever the parent is near, further invoking their wrath. This unawareness allows them to be a “good child”, and stay under the parent’s radar sometimes.) Some systems have more than one host, but that the others have shown up so rarely in this story suggests HR is the only host (for now?).

Savage Raph (SR): Debuting in “Man vs. Sewer”, he’s a survival-oriented alter. HR probably could have defeated the Sando Brothers on his own under normal circumstances, but being in the middle of a breakdown doesn’t do much for your fighting skills. SR got pulled to the front to deal with them instead.

“Red” Raph (RR): “Red” is just a placeholder since we don’t actually know his name yet (or even if he has one, not all alters do), though I’ve also heard folks call him “Angel”. He’s got a “tough love” approach to problem-solving, which was probably a helpful thing in the past. LDM were no doubt rowdy children! We were (officially) introduced to him in “Pizza Puffs”.

Mind Raph (MR): MR could just be a manifestation of HR's thought process via Cartoon Goofery, but that possibility doesn’t give me anything to work with so I’m ignoring it. He’s pretty similar to HR, maybe a tad more upbeat. We (officially) met him in “Raph’s Ride-Along”.

When “Pizza Puffs” first aired, I was like “ah yes, this is the alter who has the cranky edgelord tendencies we’ve seen in previous iterations of Raph. He probably broods on rooftops in the rain when he’s in a bad mood.” Combining that with the whole “Red Angel” thing gives off some Batman vibes. And, of course, SR is similar to the Hulk. Those two heroes are pretty different, but they do have one major thing in common...

A sudden, violent loss. Given how prevalent rushing water is throughout “Man vs. Sewer”, I’m thinking a flood came through and separated Raph from his family. (You could probably argue that turbulent water symbolizes a turbulent subconscious? 🤷) Again, DID stems from long-term trauma, so Raph must have been gone for... a while. A couple of months, maybe more? It’s hard to say exactly; we have a little wiggle room when applying human developmental psychology to a human/turtle mutant. Since Splinter still needed to care for the other three, he wouldn’t have been able to devote much time to searching for Raph, and the New York City sewers go on for miles and miles. The longer Raph was alone, the more convinced he would have been that the others had drowned and he was the only survivor.

How old would he have been? I know the turtles are “different ages”, but they were all mutated at the same time so I’m pretty sure Splinter was just like “the littlest one is the youngest, the biggest one is the oldest, and the medium-sized ones are the middle children.” They’re all probably fourteenish by “Finale”. Back in “MvS”, Leo said, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone”. He didn’t say anything like, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone ever since such-and-such an incident happened”. This suggests that LDM straight-up don’t know something traumatic happened to Raph; they were too little to retain concrete memories of that time. In their minds, Raph has always been like this. Draxum isn’t known for his patience, so even though he wasn’t able to immerse the hatchlings in mutagen for long, they probably mature a bit faster than humans. And since humans usually can’t remember anything from before four years of age, three sounds about right for the turtles, though they would have been stronger and steadier on their feet than any human toddler. I doubt Raph would have survived otherwise.

I think he’s sort of... “stuck” back in that trauma. Catching food, building a fire, making a weapon, and getting camouflage aren’t the behaviors of someone who’s only been gone for a few minutes.

When SR called for help, I don’t think he was expecting anyone to answer.

But Raph did manage to hang onto something as he was swept away! It wasn’t much, but that little ragdoll gave him comfort while he was scared and alone.

(The rabbit design on Bruce’s pajamas is probably a coincidence, but...)

Raph seems the type to have sympathy for odd-looking toys. His knockoff Mrs. Cuddles plushie was the emotional crutch he needed back then.

And then he was separated from that as well. Lowkey associating Mrs. Cuddles with this traumatic event would explain why HR was so scared of her. That he doesn’t remember the trauma means he has no context for this fear, making it seem silly and baseless to him (and to the rest of his family), which is why he denied being scared at all in the first part of the “Mrs. Cuddles” episode. It would also explain why he collects teddy bears instead these days, they are a “safe” toy. (The moral of the story is to not make fun of triggers that seem silly.)

(I wonder what would happen if Mrs. Cuddles encountered Savage Raph? Perhaps he’d be quite sympathetic towards such a lonely little raggedy thing! Timestuck as he is, he probably wouldn’t question why a stuffed animal can talk... and it wouldn't be hard for her to persuade her “new bestest fwiend” to get rid of some “mean ol’ nasty sewew monstews” for her.)

That whole “sewer monsters” thing suggests Raph ran into... something while he was wandering alone. Y’all have heard those rumors about alligators living in the New York City sewers, right? Encountering Leatherhead could trigger a flashback.

It would be pretty easy to introduce Leatherhead into the narrative. One of the episodes the Rise crew had planned was titled “The Island of Dr. Noe”, and alligators have very impressive teeth. The Mirage comics had a story where Leatherhead and several cryptids were brought to an island to be hunted for sport.

Noe seems to have quite a few cronies/friends/rivals he could entertain this way. Since he’s got that obsession with Raph, Noe captures him as well, knocking him out with those darts so he can’t waste his energy trying to escape too soon. (Let’s just assume everyone’s powers are glitchy because they all hit another wave of puberty, meaning they can’t just curbstomp the lower-level villains lol.)

HR wakes up on the island and, of course, starts to panic because he’s lost and alone. While wandering, he runs into Leatherhead, which would trigger a flashback to getting attacked by that alligator all those years ago. But Leatherhead doesn’t want to fight! He’s just as scared and confused as HR is, and could really use a partner to help him survive this island.

HR and SR come into conflict because Leatherhead is/isn’t/is/isn’t/is/isn’t a threat. HR eventually wins out, reasoning that even if Leatherhead is that alligator, it wouldn’t be fair to judge him for what he did back when he was an animal.

But time and dissociation can make memories unclear. That our first look at Leatherhead was in Draxum’s “bluh bluh I’m gonna mutate all the humans” bit in “Bug Busters” means he’s a human-base mutant. He wasn’t the alligator back then, but the hunter tracking it. Leatherhead isn’t one of Noe’s targets, he is one of Noe’s guests! And he wants no one to interfere with his quarry, so he’ll play nice long enough for him and the snapper to take out the rest of the hunters and the freaks. Then the two of them will have the island all to themselves...

Years and years ago, Jack Marlin was a big game hunter prowling the New York City sewers in search of an alligator. He did manage to find and kill one, only to realize it had also been hunting! He had inadvertently saved the strangest little turtle creature.

Marlin had become too skilled at this point, the hunt held no challenge for him. This turtle sounded very young, and he was quite big and strong already. An adult could be tough and intelligent enough to entertain him. Marlin tried to get Raph to lead him back to “the others”. But Raph had been lost for some time, and as far as he knew, his family was dead. Hearing that put Marlin in quite the sour mood. A little mutant snapper is a better catch than none at all, so Marlin tried to haul Raph off. Raph fought back and bit off Marlin’s hand. He escaped, but lost his rabbit in the scuffle. Marlin retreated as well, taking some time to recover, scheme, and hunt other game. (And to pocket that rabbit. The blood loss had made him woozy, and he wanted to have some kind of proof he hadn’t just hallucinated the snapper.) Perhaps he turned that alligator’s hide into a vest, which provided the genetic material for his mutation when he eventually got bit by an oozesquito. Like his Mirage counterpart, Marlin didn’t take losing a limb as a sign he should retire, and instead got a tricked-out prosthetic. Who knows what he could do with it in such a mystic setting as Rise.

Raph eventually reunited with his family, but those distrustful, high-strung survivalist traits he had picked up weren’t helpful anymore. He once again had to be the good and patient big brother who didn’t bite when someone play-tackled him or shook him awake at three in the morning because they’d had a nightmare. Those two states gradually got partitioned off more and more, and now they know little, if anything, about each other.

So Leatherhead and HR are chasing away some mothmen or whatever, and things are going pretty well... until one of them knocks Leatherhead over and a familiar ragdoll rabbit falls out of his pocket. SR realizes that Leatherhead is Marlin and switches in to fight him off again. They’re evenly matched, or perhaps SR is even in danger of losing, when LDM arrive to provide support. Leatherhead is enough of a tactician to know that he should retreat. Donnie and Mikey pursue him while Leo stays behind, placing the rabbit in his stunned brother’s hands. “Remember when Pops made this for you? You were always really gentle with it, ‘cause he wasn’t good at sewing back then...”

(This thing really needs patching up, he’s got sewing stuff for whenever he needs to fix his bears/Blue isn’t a threat on his own/Wasn’t he just back at the lair?/Blue gave back the rabbit/Why does he feel like he got hit by a train?/Blue doesn’t want to fight?/ ...Leo?) And that’s enough for HR to switch back in. He’s probably missing memory from his whole time on the island, so while Leo does his best to tell him what happened, they don’t have enough puzzle pieces between them to truly figure out what's going on.

They defeat the bad guys, release the cryptids, save the day, etc. (Leatherhead managed to lose Donnie and Mikey in the woods. A battle for another day.) Once they return to the lair, HR gets help from Draxum to modify the memory spell from “E-Turtle Sunshine” so he can try to fill in the gaps. Surely he wouldn’t get rejected by his own subconscious... right?

Cue part three in the saga of Raph Punches Himself In The Face. SR isn’t happy that HR is essentially trying to poke at an improperly-healed wound, and attempts to chase him off. HR assumes that SR is just a psychic white blood cell like the Lou Jitsu constructs in Splinter’s mind, and retaliates.

But, of course, fighting is not the answer here. All that accomplishes is giving the body bruises. Eventually HR realizes “stay away” and “back off” are a little different than “get out”, and that SR is just scared. So HR tries another tactic. Over the following days and weeks, he tunes in to calmer memories and just sort of... talks. About what happened yesterday, about his teddy bear collection, about how he finally managed to get a good picture of that pizza pigeon. It takes a while to establish a connection, and even then, it’s spotty at best. Using the spell too much can cause headaches and nightmares. There are days when SR is nearby, and days when he’s not there at all. But he shows up when he can.

And then there’s awkward, stilted conversation and questions neither of them know how to answer and questions neither of them want to answer and more scrapes and bruises and strained silences and apologies, but they finally, finally reach a compromise. SR still doesn’t let HR near those memories, but he tells HR what happened as best he can. (The audience would see those memories, with SR as a voiceover.) Afterwards, HR still visits the mindscape that’s starting to become more solid. They talk some more, they watch light and shadow flow around them, they listen to half-forgotten lullabies on scratchy old cassette tapes. Eventually, HR doesn’t even need to use the memory spell, meditation is enough.

They’ll never get along all the time. But it’s a start.

(SR is going to be so clingy when it finally clicks for him when he finally lets himself believe that his family is alive.)

---

This took eight million years lmao. Parts 2 and 3 will come out eventually, they’ll focus more on MR and RR. Let me know if I need to tag this stuff as anything.

The usual disclaimer applies, I am not a system or a mental health professional so if you’re one or both of those things then feel free to give me some of that good good constructive criticism.

#you called for help... but nobody came.#rottmnt #rottmnt theory #the 'raph is a system' theory #rottmnt raph #savage raph #mrs. cuddles #leatherhead #jack marlin #plot bunnies free to a good home lmao #long post

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unmaskedagain · 5 years

Text

Gabriel Agreste Must Die

I have no idea what inspired this but I just thought this would be funny. It Salt towards Gabriel. So enjoy. Warning Gaslighting ahead

Nino never thought that, out of everyone in the entire world, he would be the one to figure out Gabriel Agreste was Hawkmoth. Granted, it wasn’t like he had done he any searched or used any expert detective or journalism skills. No, instead he had been hanging out at Marinette’s; getting his butt handed to him in Ultimate Mecha Strike III. Alya chilling as she scrolled through her phone. Chloe, who they somehow managed to become friends with, was taking selfies in Marinette’s newest design outfits.

Nino knew it was because the blonde had proven herself to be a good hero and loyal ally. So when Marinette, the new Guardian now that Fu was gone, that more permanent heroes were needed, she brought in Chloe, along with Nino and Alya. It was then that Ladybug and Chat Noir revealed their identities to them and to each other.

It had been one hell of a shock. But they all became really good friends. Though any crushes the original heroes had died. It turned out Marinette thought of Chat Noir as a brother. And Adrien just couldn’t see Marinette in that light. It was for the best. Alya had been pissed about the love square thing.

That had been over a year ago, and the heroes had all become really good friends; banding together against anyone (Lila or Gabriel) who tried to tear them apart.

They had been talking about the recent akuma attacks, when Nino got a text from Adrien apologizing for not being able to hang out.

“Adrien can’t come,” Nino glared at the screen. “His dad’s got him working late.”

“Again?” Alya asked. “He does know what child labor laws are right?”

Chloe scoffed, “Like he cares.”

“Still, we should do something,” Marinette frowned as she rapidly pressed buttons on her controller. “This isn’t right.”

“Like what?” Nino asked, already gracefully accepting yet another defeat. “He’s Gabriel Agreste. He’s as big of an asshole as Hawkmoth; and I didn’t think that was possible.”

As soon as he said those words, something just clicked. Everyone in the room suddenly paused as they processed the words in their minds.

Nino slowly put down her controller, “It’s not possible, is it? That level of asshole-dom can’t possibly be reached by two different people in the same city, at the same time, in the same universe. There’s no way.”

“Even my mom left once Gabriel took power,” Chloe added. “And she’s a total bitch but she knew that Paris couldn’t handle both a Queen Bitch and the King of the Assholes fighting it out.”

Marinette’s eyes narrowed as she considered everything they knew about hawkmoth and Gabriel Agreste, “When did Adrien say he last saw mom.”

“Three years ago,” Chloe answered. ��Sometime near the end of January, I remember. It was before Valentine’s day as I had been planning yet another amazing party.”

“Alya, when was the first akuma attack?” Marinette asked.

“One sec, I’ll look,” The glasses-wearing girl said and as she frantically researched. When Alya was done, she looked up at them with a dark expression on her face. “February 4th, three years ago.”

“Gabriel has a book on Kwami,” Marinette told them. “He uses it for ‘inspiration.’”

After that, suddenly they were recalling all the little ‘coincidences’ they overlooked involving anything Agreste related and Hawkmoth; it all added up to something no one could deny.

“Gabriel is Hawkmoth,” Alya whispered stunned. “Adrien’s dad is Hawkmoth. We always said Gabriel was a monster but damn, really?”

“What do we do?” Chloe asked. “What can we do? Hawkmoth is too powerful; especially with Mayura on his side.”

Marinette nodded but there was a thoughtful look on his face, “Hawkmoth is strong but Gabriel is human like the rest of us. He has his flaws, his weaknesses; cracks in his facade.”

“Mom always said Gabriel was nuts,” Chloe said. “On the edge of his sanity. One good push…”

Marinette shrugged, “If we can’t defeat the villain…”

“…Then we break the man behind the mask,” Alya smirked,

Nino growled, “Gabriel Agreste Must Die.”

…

The next day after school; the heroes met up again at Marinette and sat Adrien down to talk.

It turned getting Adrien on board with the plan was difficult. He wasn’t hard to convince him that Gabriel was Hawkmoth, though it did take a while for him to stop throwing up. However, there was thing the blond boy wouldn’t budge on…

“You’re not killing my dad!” Adrien told them.

Nino nodded calmly and folded his hands on his lap, “I get where you’re coming from, dude. I totally do,” He told his best friend. “But hear me out. Your dad? He really sucks.”

Adrien shot his friends an incredulous look, “And you think that’s a good enough reason to kill him?”

“Well, yeah,” Nino shrugged. “I mean we talked about this before.”

Alya pushed her ex-boyfriend turned one of her bestie out of the way, “You’re dad is a megalomaniac magical terrorist that’s been destroying Paris, turning people into monsters, and killing innocents. Sure the damaged gets reversed but the victims, who aren’t Akumatized, still have to deal with the freaking trauma.”

“There are support groups for it,” Marinette said. “People remember dying; drowning, burning, crashing; it’s terrible.” She sighed, “However, we can’t just murder someone. It’s wrong.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It would be wrong not kill him,” Chloe told them. “The amount of time and effort it would save us is nearly too much to count. And the amount of relief all of Paris would feel knowing he was gone is out of this world. We can stop SO many people from getting hurt if I call my mom’s guy Fredro, and Gabriel has a little ‘accident’.”

Nino shot up, “See! Chloe agrees,” He shot a victorious look at Alya and Marinette.

Alya snorted, “Chloe thought burning Gabriel at the stake was good idea.”

“What?!!” Adrien looked at his oldest friend, shock on his face. “What?!!”

Chloe shrugged, “There’s no such thing as a bad idea. And It was a suggestion..”

“A good one,” Nino added. “And why does it sound like your mom has a hitman on speed dial?”

Chloe scoffed, “Hitman? Don’t be so crass. Fredro is former MI6. My mom used to work with him. He’s so good even Shield only had the slightest idea he exists.” She looked at her childhood friend with a softest expression anyone had ever seen on her face. “No one would ever know. If you want, he doesn’t even have to feel like a thing. Gabriel goes to sleep one night, and doesn’t wake up in the morning. It’ll look like a heart attack. Trust me, my mother only works with the best.”

“I have a lot of questions about your mother,” Alya said. “And what type of work she did with a former MI6 agent. But we’re gonna circle back to that. That fact is, Adrien, it’s up to you.”

“He’s your dad,” Marinette agreed. “Plus; its two to two. Me and Alya who don’t want to go to prison. And the two psychos who are more than willing to.”

Nino huffed and moved to stand next to Chloe, “Well, I’m feeling a little called out right now.”

“I told you we should’ve just handled this last night,” Chloe crossed her arms. “Just the two us. Ditch the Halos at home,” She motioned to Marinette, who didn’t like the idea of killing, and Alya, who didn’t want to make the choice with Adrien’s approval. “Bury that asshole alive.”

“Nah, they’d have known it was us,” Nino shook his head. “The second Gabriel doesn’t show up for something he’s supposed to, Marinette’s knocking on my door. I’m always a suspect. Gabriel nearly got killed by a falling headlight during a fashion show in New York, and Alya still gave me suspicious looks for days. Jerk’s literally on the other side of the world, and I’m still the primary suspect.”

Chloe looked contemplative, “…Didn’t you say you had a cousin in New York?”

“You a cop?” Nino asked. “No? Then stop asking so many questions.”

Adrien sighed, “I’m sorry, guys; we can’t kill my dad.”

Alya nodded firmly, “Then option two. We’re rip apart his sanity, destroy his reputation; tear apart everything that makes Gabriel Agreste, Gabriel Agreste until there’s nothing left except the miserable, sorry excuse for man and father, that he really is.”

“Oh but I’m inhumane?” Nino glared. “I was just gonna cut the breaks in Gabriel’s ride. Take him and Nathalie out at the same time. But, yeah, sure, breaking him to the point where he’s ripping out his own hair and locked away in a padded room is a noble cause as any.”

“And yet we’re the evil ones? Really?” Chloe rolled her eyes. “Fine. Whatever. Let’s gaslight the bitch.”

Adrien looked up at the ceiling just so freaking done with world. “What we do first?”

“Your dad’s a total control freak,” Alya said. “We got to make him feel like he’s losing control.”

Marinette looked over Adrien, “You’re gonna need tight leather pants, chapstick… And how do feel about piercings?”

“That they look like they hurt!” Adrien protested.

Chloe shoved his shoulder, “Beauty’s pain, woman up!”

“Why do I need chapstick?” Adrien whined.

“You can’t make out with Scott with dry lips!”

“Make out?” Adrien’s face turned bright red. “And who’s Scott?”

Nino shook his head, “You’re asking a lot of questions for someone who was against the Murder plan.”

It turned out Scott was Marinette’s cousin. His mom Melissa was Tom’s half-sister. He was handsome tall sixteen-year-old with olive brown skin, curly dark brown hair, and a crooked jaw. When Adrien met him he was wearing a leather jacket and big happy smile on his face. Adrien couldn’t stop looking at him.

He had come out as bisexual to his friends months ago but had only briefly experimented with Luka in the kissing department. Marinette had stumbled upon and quickly squeaked, turned red, and scampered off. Though Adrien did have to deal with her grumbles about having dips. To which Adrien replied, “You snooze, you lose.”

Scott was with a brown haired, pale skinned, gangly guy, with lots moles and a rather pretty redhead.

“Oh come on!” The pale guy complained when he saw Adrien. He looked at Scott. “What leprechaun did you sacrifice so that you got the fucking luck in the world? First the Disney princess Alison, then badass ‘she could stab me and I’d thank her’ Kira, and now Apollo’s freaking love child. No! It’s not fair.”

“Dude!” Scott complained. “Stiles, you’re dating Derek.”

Stiles suddenly looked really smug, “Yeah I know,” He smirked. “But this isn’t about us. This is about all the other Scotts and Stiles’ of the world who are still growing out of their loser stage. Give them a chance, bro.”

The redhead rolled her eyes, “Hi I’m Lydia!” She introduced to the young heroes. “The loud moron is Stiles. The moron who’s been drooling since he saw you is Scott.”

Scott reared back, and started to quick wipe his mouth, “Man, am I drooling?”

“A little,” Stiles shrugged. “I just thought it was moon thing, you know?”

Lydia ignored them, “I love your dress. It’s an MDC, yes? Up in coming designer, so chic!”

Marinette smiled, “Thanks. It took forever to design this.”

The redhead paused, “You designed?” She looked stunned for a moment before glaring at Scott. “Is your cousin MDC? Did you not tell me your cousin was MDC?”

It was a little hilarious how quickly Scott stepped back in fear of girl a foot shorter than him.

“About why we’re here,” Alya decided to intervene before blood was drawn. “Adrien, this is Scott. He’ll be your boyfriend for as long as he’s Paris.” She looked between Scott and Adrien and smirked. “And I have no idea who I should congratulate.”

“Me,” Scott let slip as he stared at Adrien in a daze.

Pictures of Adrien Agreste making out with Scott were everywhere an hour later. Adrien tweeted his response, “I’m Bisexual. So what? To quote Taylor Swift: You need to Calm down.”

The tweet was the first thing that made Gabriel realize something was very, very wrong.

Adrien went home and was met the angry expressions of his father and Nathalie. It was time for step to.

Before either could yell at him. “I quit,” Adrien said. “No more modeling. No more anything I don’t want to do. This is not up for debate. I’m not asking. You can’t make me. And if you try to take me out of school; my friends will public with all the evidence of all times you broke child labors. And if you think I’m bluffing, a copy of the evidence was sent to Nathalie’s email.” He gave them hard looks. “You will go to prison. Try me. It’s over,” Adrien told them but didn’t add that it was in more ways that one.

He walked passed them; only sparing a glance to see the stunned looks on their faces.

Adrien knew his father wouldn’t back down. This was only the beginning.

Unfortunately for Gabriel, he would be far too busy putting out the fires of his burning empire to have any time to rein back in his son.

During the middle of the night, while everyone was sleeping, an anonymous user *cough Alya* released videos of Gabriel verbally berating his employees for the smallest things, and firing them. It was not a good look.

The Gabriel brand took a hit. The first of many.

Over the next few weeks; Gabriel found himself forgetting things. First he found a box of imported silk that Nathalie swore he called her himself to have her order, and he saw the call logged in his phone but for the life of him he couldn’t remember making the call. Then it was scheduling meetings, ordering lunches or coffee that he couldn’t remember doing. Then he forgot where put things.

For example, one time Gabriel swore he took out his sketchbook from his briefcase and sat it on his desk and left for a meeting. However, when he returned, it wasn’t there. And He nearly went raving mad trying to find it. Only for Nathalie to take it out of his brief case.

The suit he had laid out for him the night before would be an entirely different color than the one he remembered putting out but then Nathalie would tell him that he ordered her himself to have it pressed.

It was little thing and big little just slightly out of place that started to grate on his nerves.

“The stress,” Nathalie told him. “It’s getting to you. Perhaps a vacation is in order”

“I’m fine,” He waved her off. “How is the plan to pull Adrien back in?

Nathalie frowned, “Nothing. He’s still going strong with his boyfriend, a young Scott McCall. Every time we try anything, a new video of Adrien, uh, at work, is released to the media. CPS and the police knocked on our doors three times already. Next time, I fear, they may take him. Amelie Graham de Vanily has been spotted in town, speaking with several lawyers. My sources say she will attempt for custody if CPS deems you unfit.”

“Nothing of the sort will happen,” Gabriel sneered. “I will not lose my son; not to my sister in law, and not to some American boy. Tell Adrien, we will have dinner together. I will talk some sense into him myself.”

That was his plan at least.

However, Gabriel found himself waking up in the morning, in his pajamas, utterly confused. “Nathalie, when did I go sleep?”

She looked confused, “Around midnight, sir. You had dinner with Adrien, and then had to rush off to take a call from Audrey.”

“I… had dinner with Adrien?” Gabriel asked. “Are you sure? I don’t remember. And I didn’t talk with Audrey, did i?”

Nathalie suddenly looked very concerned. “Sir, I was there. Adrien and you had a lovely conversation about his school and him going back to modeling. Adrien decline. You tried to protest but Audrey called. You two argued for an hour. I was there the entire time. You really don’t remember?”

No, Gabriel didn’t.

A week later, after a series of incidents. One of which apparently he had ordered Nathalie to take him to a salon and walked out with blue hair, but couldn’t remember when he woke up the next day. And swore he hadn’t.

“I’ve scheduled a meeting with doctor,” Nathalie told him. “We’re going to get you looked at, okay.”

It was the first of many, many doctor visits. Until one day Adrien came home and His aunt was there with Nathalie. They told him that his father went on a little “vacation” for a while.

It turned out the vacation was a very luxurious mental institution.

#ml fic #ml salt #gabriel agreste salt #marinette dupain cheng #adrien deserves better #adrien agreste #alya sugar #nino sugar

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sierraraeck · 4 years

Text

Love Somebody

Spencer x GN!Reader

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Summary: After your big fight, both you and Spencer are filled with guilt. Is there any way to salvage your relationship? Part four.

Category: Angst and fluff.

Warnings: Cussing. References to past fights, and a very brief mention of drug use.

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: Inspired by the song “Love Somebody” by Maroon 5. If you wanna give that a quick listen, go for it, if not, that’s chill too. Also, I tried to make this gender neutral, but if I did not, please let me know what I need to correct.

Start by talking to Spencer.

You’d been mulling over those five words for days now and it was driving you absolutely insane. The whole reason you wanted to talk to a therapist in the first place was so you could find some peace and be able to focus better at work. Instead, you were even more distracted than you had been before, thinking about all of the different ways that the conversation could go.

Start by talking to Spencer. Oh yeah, sure, I’ll just talk to him. You know, like ‘hey, Spence, remember when you said you never wanted to see me again? Well I’m here now because I wanted to see you and work things out.’ Like what? That was never going to work.

Hey Spencer. I know it’s been a over a month since we talked and we basically broke up and the last thing I said to you was about your drug addiction, but-

Your mind faltered at the thought. It was painful to go back there and remember how cruel you’d been to each other, and then another thought popped into your mind. Is he back on drugs? Oh god, could he be passed out somewhere?

You shot straight out of your chair before thinking through what you were doing. What would you even do if you showed up and he was just fine? Plus, it’d been a month, you were sure his team could handle whatever was going on with him. Then you started wondering how he’d been handling everything. You certainly hoped better than you had. Than you were. Maybe his team would know. You weren’t super close with them, but close enough you could ask them, right? No, definitely not. Actually, now that you were thinking about it, you hadn’t seen any of them for a really long time. Not even accidental run-ins with them coming or going from work or in the break room. You started to wonder what they were up to. What he was up to.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

Spencer felt awful. The moment he slammed the door to his own apartment after your big fight he broke down into a heap of tears. So much had happened over the past 13 months, and the full weight of it all was just now coming down on him. He lost Maeve. He found you. He lost you. He lost himself.

Spencer never thought he would say things like that. He never thought that he could be so cruel as to tell the person he loved that he would have rather died for his ex-girlfriend than be with them. Granted, he never thought you would say what you said either, but perhaps he deserved it. He’d treated you poorly leading up to that, and he’s a profiler, it shouldn’t have come as a shock. But it did. Because he was blind. All the pain and trauma and desperate attempts to stitch his life back together using your needle and thread blinded him. He couldn’t see how much you were doing for him and how much you were struggling to keep your relationship together, and he couldn’t force himself to see how much he was struggling to hang on to any semblance of the past. Any semblance of a normal, trauma-free life. He couldn’t see it. He refused to see it. And it cost him.

He took the rest of the week off and then the weekend to himself, fighting a constant battle between feeling pathetic for not being able to go into work like you probably had, and feeling like he made the right choice considering he could barely force himself to eat. He blamed you, he blamed himself, he blamed the whole damn universe for constantly fucking him over. He used Maeve and his social awkwardness and his past as excuses for his behavior, and immediately hated himself for it. He hated himself even more for fantasizing about doing exactly what you’d told him to. He knew who to call, he knew he probably still had a tourniquet around his apartment somewhere, and he knew how much it would hurt you to know that the last thing you said to him came true.

Then I guess you’re real happy you know where to get the drugs that can help you finally do that.

He hated you. No, that wasn’t it. He hated that he drove you to hate him. Did you hate him? He figured you had to after everything he put you through. And for what? So he could feel better after what he’d lost? So he could ignore the grief and the sorrow and bury it in your selfless compassion? So he could, as you said, rip apart your life?

No, that couldn’t be the end. He couldn’t have yanked you from your life for nothing. He had to make it up to you. But he didn’t even know where to start. You probably didn’t even want to see him, let alone give him the air space to explain himself. He deserved as much.

But you didn’t. You didn’t deserve that, he kept repeating to himself. He was going to make it up to you somehow. You were the most important thing in his life, one of the only people who supported him through everything, and he cared about you, more than anything. And he loved you. He would not have the last thing he said to you be ‘fuck you.’ But first, he had to make it through his first day back to work.

No one questioned him. No one said anything about his absence, and he was both grateful and irritated. Grateful that he didn’t have to explain himself, but irritated that it seemed like no one cared. Maybe he’d gotten too used to that, no one seeming to care. Maybe that’s why whenever you asked him how he was doing, and pushed him for more than a simple ‘fine,’ he felt like you were interrogating him. He wasn’t used to having to communicate like that, especially about his feelings, which he’d never been able to communicate well. Not like he’d ever practiced that. Not like dad stuck around long enough to have him practice that. Not like his mother ever noticed or remembered long enough to make him practice that. Not like any of the people he considered family ever pushed him far enough to practice that. The most frustrating part was that even Spencer didn’t know which way he preferred to go about it, talking or not talking. Neither, he supposed.

But, communication is key, something you seemed to understand to a nauseating degree, and a concept his big brain couldn’t seem to wrap around.

He didn’t see you at all that first day. Or that first week. Or that first month. He started wondering if you’d requested a transfer to a different field office, or maybe asked for your old job back. He wouldn’t know either way. He could ask you, but that would require actually talking to you, something he’d been trying to force himself to do for what felt like forever.

The first time anyone actually questioned his behavior was when the team got back from a case and were headed out for drinks. He declined the offer, making up some excuse about a head start on paperwork. The team exchanged some glances before packing into the elevator, leaving him alone with his thoughts, an occasion that was becoming way too frequent for Spencer’s liking.

He’d just started reading through his third file when the sound of the glass doors swinging open caught his attention.

A very colorful Penelope marched over to him in what he thought would be uncomfortably high heels. She grabbed the rolly chair from the desk next to him, rolled it over to his desk, and plopped down right in front of him.

“What is going on with you, my Boy Wonder?” she asked in a soft, yet demanding voice.

Spencer shrugged, “What do you mean?”

Penelope gave him a pointed look. “I thought you and Y/N really liked coming out with us?”

“Not tonight.” Spencer kept his answers short, not wanting to lie to one of his best friends, but also not wanting to get into it.

Penelope reached out for Spencer’s hands which he hadn’t realized were trembling until then. She kept them tightly pressed between her own and looked him straight in the eyes. “I know I’m not a profiler, but it doesn’t take one to know when a friend is hurting. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. I just want you to know that I’m always here and ready to listen.”

Spencer swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling the water brimming at the surface. He nodded at her, and she gave his hands one good squeeze before releasing them. She waited for a few moments longer, hoping that he’d decide to say something but he didn’t.

It wasn’t until she’d almost reached the doors to leave when he called her name. “Penelope?”

She turned around and took a couple steps back toward him. “Yes?”

Then, in one quick motion, he stood up and enveloped her in a hug. Tears were already flowing down his face as Penelope held him as tight as she could, wanting him to know that she was going to support him no matter what. “Shh,” she tried to comfort him, moving her hands in soft strokes up and down his back, “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not,” Spencer’s voice cracked, “I messed it all up.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Penelope cooed. “Would you tell me about it?”

He told her everything. How you’d gotten the job at the FBI, how you constantly fought, how his mother started getting worse, how you found out about Maeve, and how you’d left each other that last time. He was a blubbering mess spouting about how much he still cared about you and how he’d certainly screwed it up, and Penelope tried to keep her composure, even as she felt all of his pain so deeply. “Nothing is irreparable, Spencer. If you really love Y/N that much, I think you should try to make it work.”

“But I’m not sure if they still love me.”

“I’m willing to bet they do.”

“How can you say that? You didn’t see them the last time we fought. I think I might have really destroyed us.”

“Because I’ve seen the way they look at you. If after everything you’ve been through together, you still feel this strongly for them, I bet they feel just as strongly for you. You know what, I bet Y/N is having all the same thoughts you’re having right now. If you really want to be with them, you should talk to them,” Penelope encouraged.

“What would I even say?”

“Exactly what you said to me.” Spencer gave her a questioning look. “About how much you love and miss them. And how much you want to make it work.”

She gave him a soft smile and he sighed. “You think that will work?”

“I think that it’s the best thing you can do.”

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

You were sitting in your car outside of Spencer’s apartment trying to talk yourself up. You could do this. You could knock on his door and talk to him like an adult. You could tell him how much you wanted things to work out. This is what you wanted, and even if it went horribly, you knew that it would put your mind more at ease knowing where he stood.

You walked confidently up to his door, but right as you were about to knock, you panicked. God, maybe it was better to just leave things as they were and see if he came to your first. Yes, that was a good plan, you could just wait and see what Spencer wanted.

You hadn’t driven all the way over to his apartment just to chicken out at the door, though. You knew that for better or worse you needed answers, so in a bout of confidence, you knocked on his door. Then you waited. And waited. And waited. After about five minutes, you knocked again, calling his name, but there was no answer.

You let out a sigh of relief. It seemed like a sign from the universe or whatever that this just wasn’t meant to happen. Or maybe Spencer was inside waiting for you to leave, and that would be answer enough. Either way, you only had one place to go from there, and it was back to your apartment. You wished you would have been able to talk to him, but you didn’t want to do it over the phone and you definitely weren’t going to do it at work, so you felt like the opportunity had been missed.

At least, that was your theory as you climbed the stairs to your apartment, nearly getting run over on your way up.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” Spencer exclaimed. Spencer?

“Spencer, what are you doing here?” you asked, taking the final steps up to the landing now that Spencer had moved aside to give you the room.

“Oh, um, I was here because, um, I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I-I wanted to apologize. For everything. For the way I handled our last argument, a-all of our arguments, but especially that one. I realized that I had been trying to use you to cover up the grief I was feeling, and I know how wrong of me that was. It wasn’t fair to you, any of it. I know that you know how bad I am at expressing my feelings, and how I’m even worse at talking about them. I’m trying to get better. You don’t owe me anything, and I understand if you don’t want to, but I want to try again. I know it will take a while for you to trust me again, but, Y/N, you make me want to be better. I want to be better for you. You make me feel whole, a-and I know that it’s not fair of me to put that on you either! But it’s true. I love you, and if you’ll have me, I want to try again.”

You stared at him as you tried to process everything he was saying, his demeanor getting more nervous by the second. Then, at the irony of it all, you started laughing. Which was definitely the wrong approach to the situation, but before Spencer could get really uncomfortable, you explained, “I just came from your place to tell you the exact same thing.”

His eyes got wide, and a shy smile crept its way onto Spencer's face. “Really?”

“Yeah, really. I hate fighting with you, and miss being around you. I’ve been driving myself crazy these past few weeks going over and over what I said to you, and I know I can’t take it back, but I want you to know that I regret it, so, so much, Spencer. It wasn’t right of me to expect so much out of you after everything you’d been through. Everything you’re going through. I want to make this work.”

“Me too,” Spencer said with a sheepish smile. “I know that I’ve been trying to make this into our old dynamic, and you were right when you said that we don’t really know each other for who we are now. So I want to start all the way over, if that’s alright with you. I want to get to know Y/N Y/L/N, the successful FBI lawyer, not Y/N Y/L/N the person I used to know from high school.” You nodded your head, a curve to your lips. “Well, then if you don’t mind, I’d like to introduce myself.”

You pressed your lips together, unsuccessfully holding back the small laugh as Spencer walked a few paces from you, just to turn around and walk back toward you. He extended his hand and you reached out to shake it. “Hello. I’m Spencer Reid.”

“Y/N Y/L/N. It’s good to meet you, sir.” You bit your bottom lip, knowing exactly how he’d respond.

“Actually, it’s Doctor.”

You feigned surprise. “Wow, doctor, huh? What do you do, Doctor Spencer Reid? Are you a surgeon of some kind?”

He gave a small laugh, trying to compose himself. “No, actually, I work for the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI.”

“That’s impressive. You know, I actually work for the FBI as well.”

“Really?” he asked, eyes going wide.

“Yes. I’m a lawyer, but just recently started working for them. I worked for a successful firm just before this.”

“Wow, that sounds very interesting,” he enthusiastically said, eyes shining. “Now, I’m usually not this bold, but I saw you from over there,” he gestured to the spot behind him he’d just come from, “and I must say that you are very attractive. I would love to take you out for dinner and get to know you better sometime…” he trailed off.

“Sounds amazing Doctor,” you agreed.

As he started idly moving around you to get to the stairs, he said, “Well, it’s been really great meeting you Y/N Y/L/N, the FBI lawyer, and I’m excited to get to know you better.”

“As am I, Doctor Spencer Reid of the BAU,” you grinned. God, you two were so cheesy.

“I hope that I will get a call from you soon,” he mirrored your grin, but his voice was a bit less confident than it was before.

“You might not have to hope for too much longer.”

Spencer tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, eyes wide and sparkling. He looked like your Spencer, the Spencer you’d fallen in love with.

He practically skipped down the steps, pausing only momentarily to glance back up at you. He shook his head in disbelief and smiled to himself as he travelled the rest of the way down, and you looked after him with fondness in your eyes. You’d have to say, this was so much better than all the other times you had to watch Spencer walk away. This time, you were overwhelmed with hope for what this new beginning would mean for your relationship.

A/N 2: This was the fourth and final part of this mini-series! I hope you all enjoyed it, and thanks again to the anons that encouraged me to turn this into the series that I wanted it to be! Much love!

#dr spencer reid fanfiction #spencer x y/n #spencer x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #gn reader #dr spencer reid fanfic #dr spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid #reid #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfiction #cm

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