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starry-eyes-love · 7 months ago

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Calm Me Down

Main Masterlist Joel Miller Masterlist

The next chapter in the Marriage Dynamics series

Pairing | Husband Joel Miller x Wife F!Reader- AU, No Outbreak

Summary | You wake up having a panic attack, and Joel calms you down. This results in the two of you talking, calming each other’s fears, and finally working through your problems. You feel movement in your pregnancy for the first time while Joel silently talks to his unborn child, asking for a gift that he doesn’t know yet but will receive.

Work Count: 5.5K

Warnings | Series is 18+, Minor DNI

Age difference (implied), language, descriptions of anxiety/panic attack, flashbacks, marriage dynamics (these two finally communicate), hurt and comfort, tenderness and love, mentions of pregnancy, you feel baby movement for the first time, mild reference to past cheating (your father and Joel's ex-wife, not from Joel or you), mild references in the past to physical abuse by your father, references to berating your father did to you in the past.

A/N: Sorry for taking so long on this next part, but here you are. As a reminder, I no longer do tag lists. Make sure to turn on notifications for when I post new written pieces.

“Baby, look at me,” Joel said sternly, turning you around to face him. He immediately searched your eyes to get you to look at him. Joel reached out instinctively and placed a steady hand on your belly, slowly rubbing it and feeling the soft swell of your stomach that was holding and caring for his child. He was trying to help ground you and reassure you that you were okay and that your baby would be alright, too.

These moments come out of nowhere: the sheer panic, the sweaty palms, the narrowing vision. You don't know why, but suddenly, it feels like the whole world is crashing down around you, like you are falling fast off of a cliff, unable to save yourself from sudden death. Your heart races, and you're stuck believing the lies in your head. The lies that you know are not true.

“I'm not good enough. I can't do this. I'll never be more than what I am now: a failure. My husband doesn't love me.”

This feeling inside seizes you, holds you tight, and doesn't allow you to take a proper breath. And that's ok, you think. You don't need to breathe, not yet. But the feeling doesn't stop, and your body eventually screams for another breath. The thing is, though, you can't get any air in, so you panic once again. The cycle never ends. It keeps repeating until you're drowning in your sweat and anxiety. You're having a goddamn panic attack, one that you haven't had in many years. To say you're embarrassed doesn't even come close to describing your emotions. The word you require fails to come to you, so you settle for fear, embarrassment, and loneliness.

You've been way too stressed your entire pregnancy. You're a week shy of being 20 weeks along with your third baby and your fourth pregnancy.

Yeah, we won't talk about that pregnancy. The daughter that you lost at 22 weeks pregnant. To this day, you still don't like thinking about it.

Even though this is a different pregnancy, things seem to haven't gone how you wanted. You finally did tell Joel that you were pregnant at your doctor's appointment when you started spotting blood. You were scared of admitting pregnancy to him, especially when you two had barely talked since Halloween. You didn't know why; you just weren't getting along. It's funny how life does that sometimes, isn't it?

Even though your 20th-week ultrasound was just a few days away, you felt embarrassed that nothing seemed to go as planned this time. You hadn't told Joel you were pregnant technically until you were having bleeding problems. You weren't sexually active with your husband. There was no celebration of being pregnant, just awkward silence, mostly of which came from you. Joel attempted to speak with you, but you'd always clam up and not talk. If you were being honest, it wasn't until late at night on Christmas Eve that Joel and you started to talk and get along again.

Now, you lay awake in bed, your mind racing, running wild with panic at all the scenarios that weren't even happening. But it felt like they were happening now, and you were scared. You were drowning in panic, unable to slow your mind down, wishing for anything to stop it.

I'm not good enough. My husband doesn’t want this and doesn't want to be with me. I'm such a horrible wife for not telling him.

Your thoughts wouldn't stop. Your mind kept racing, and you felt like you were drowning. The walls were once again closing in around you, sucking you underneath the surface. You desperately needed a lifeline to grab onto, something to save you from yourself. That's when you felt your husband reach out to you and pull you tight against his chest. He wrapped his arms around you, securing you to him while gently whispering, “Baby, come on now, breathe.”

Earlier in the night, Joel had decided not to sleep with his shirt on, something he hadn’t done in a long time. After his shower, he noticed the way you were looking at him. Eyes wide, lips slightly parted, you looked at him like you desperately needed something primal from him.

“What's that look for, baby?” He said, glancing over at you and raising just his eyebrow. He was taunting you, wanting you to voice all those dirty little things that he knew you were thinking. He could tell by the look on your face, the way you were breathing, and how you were slowly squeezing your thighs together that you were turned on and sexually aroused. Joel may not be able to give you penetrative sex yet, but dammit, he could eat his wife's pussy if she wanted it. And Joel secretly hoped that you wished to do that tonight.

“I-uh, I-'' you said, stuttering and stammering at the words. You couldn't voice it or say it out loud for some reason. You were never afraid of dirty talk in the bedroom. But considering it has been almost 20 weeks, nearly five months since the two of you have done anything sexual, you were a bit nervous.

“Why don't you finish getting ready for bed, baby, then come over here, and I'll get ya all nice and relaxed for bed.”

“What did you have in mind?” You asked, hoping Joel would voice it for you.

“Oh, darlin’, you know what I have in mind,” he said, slowly sticking his tongue out and moving it up and down like he does when he licks at you fast when he goes down on you.

You quickly nodded your head and then ran into the bathroom. You needed a shower and desperately needed a shave. You spent the next 20 minutes making yourself feel more sexy and presentable. But when you entered the bedroom, you noticed all your work was in vain. Joel was lying down and loudly snoring already. Immediately, your heart sank at seeing him fast asleep.

Joel intended to give you, his wife, some much-needed affection and attention. But he underestimated how tired he was. When his head hit the pillow, he was out like a light and asleep within seconds. You, however, had laid there with your eyes open, overthinking stuff once again.

You loved being pregnant, but you hated the first part of pregnancy, where the anxiety was horrible. Your doctor said because your hormones change so much in the first stages of pregnancy, anxiety is common among women. And boy, did you ever have anxiety, especially this time around with being pregnant in your late 30s.

Even though your hormones were already leveling out, you were still nervous about knowing if your baby was growing healthy inside of you. You knew that after your 20-week ultrasound appointment, you would calm down. But you just had to get there first. You were nervous about losing this pregnancy. You remember the pregnancy you had lost; that 20th-week ultrasound showed significant problems. If everything would show that you were ok, just like the two other pregnancies did with your boys, you knew you'd calm down. You kept telling yourself that everything would be ok. But that crippling anxiety kept sneaking up at you at the worst times and holding you tight, like tonight.

The longer the night continued, the more you wanted to reach out and have your husband hold you tight to help calm your fears. But he looked so peaceful lying there sleeping; you didn't want to wake him. You both were getting along again, and there was no more fighting between you. So you didn't know where this anxiousness was coming from tonight. Your body felt off, and you didn't know why. You had tried to fall asleep, struggling with your mind to get any rest. At one point, you had dozed off a little bit, but you quickly woke up in a panic, sweating profusely. You were smack dab in the middle of yet another bad panic attack. You haven't had one of these episodes of panic for many years. Usually, stress or something larger would trigger them, but nothing unusual has happened recently. So you lay there silently, trying to will all of these bad feelings that you were having away. But no matter what you did, you could still feel your heart race and your chest constrict. It felt like you couldn't fully take a deep breath. You were drowning fast in terror and panic, not knowing if you could get yourself out of it anymore. You didn't realize in your panicked state that your husband woke up. But then, all of a sudden, when your chest constricted the tightest, and you thought you were going to die from lack of oxygen, you felt Joel’s strong arms wrap around you. He gently pulled you to him, where your back met his chest. He let out a long exhale while slowly whispering, “Baby, come on, breathe.

After Joel had laid down, he had fallen asleep suddenly, too suddenly for his liking. He wanted to cuddle you and give you much-needed attention and affection. Joel could see that you were stressed with work and raising the boys, and Joel's chaotic work schedule didn't help you. He recently hired a manager to work out in the field with Tommy so he could stay back in the office more and focus on the business side of things. His contracting business was expanding, growing at a rapid rate where Joel didn’t need to be out in the field all the time working. He could take that much-needed break and focus his time and skills on the best ways of growing his company.

Joel suddenly was jolted awake by something, but he was unsure of what. When he opened his eyes, Joel saw your back as you were facing away from him. Joel thought maybe it was a bad dream that had woken him up. Slowly, he ran his hand down his face, slightly shaking it and yawning to clear his head. Upon looking over at you again, Joel saw that you were curled up into a ball, looking like you were resting peacefully. He smiled silently, admiring you and what looked like your peaceful slumber. But then he heard it, the small sob that left your chest as you struggled to breathe in air. Joel frowned, knowing all too well that you were panicking and having a bad panic attack yet again.

Baby, I thought we stopped these, he thought, not enjoying seeing his wife struggle. He knew you were drowning in your head, unable to get your head above water as gulp after gulp of quick spurts of air were leaving your lungs. You were like a lost ship out to sea, desperately looking for a way back into port. Joel knew he was your only lifeline, and it broke his heart that he needed to be this again. He loved you and always supported you, but seeing you panic like this broke his heart. Something was bothering you, and he hoped, like hell, that someone wasn’t him.

“Baby, come on, breathe.” He said, slowly reaching out to you and pulling you into his chest.

But you couldn't; your heart was hammering in your chest, and it wouldn't slow down. “I can't breathe,” you said, hyperventilating and sobbing. You didn't know what was wrong or why, but it felt like you couldn't breathe. “Something’s wrong, Joel, I can’t- I can’t breathe.” You said, rushing air in and out of your lungs fast.

As soon as your eyes met his, you started sobbing and saying, “I can't do this. I'm a failure. I'm always fucking up. No one cares about m-me or loves me.”

“No, babe. Come on now, look at me,” Joel said, cupping your cheeks and forcing you to open your eyes to look at him. “Come on, with me, yeah? Breathe.” Joel then took a slow, deep breath, and you mirrored his actions.

“That’s it, sugar, nice and slow,” he said, breathing with you. He was trying to slow your breathing down. After readjusting himself, Joel sat beside you, gently taking your hand and placing it on his chest, holding it tight against him.

“Feel how I breathe, darlin', now match it. Come on now, slow breath in.”

*Joel took a slow breath in.*

“Now, slowly breathe out.”

*Joel slowly breathed out.*

“And again,” he said, getting you to focus on slowing your breathing down. One of his hands held yours against his chest so that you could feel the pattern of his breaths. The other hand was protectively lying over your bump, gently stroking the skin, centering both you and him that everything was alright with your baby.

After several moments of slowing your breathing and getting you to breathe normally again, you finally sighed and said, “Thanks, Joel.”

Still sitting above you, Joel furrowed his brow as he looked at you. He didn’t know why you were having a panic attack tonight. It stressed him out and worried him, especially since you were pregnant. He didn’t want you to get too stressed out and put the baby you were carrying under any more stress. After a long moment of observing you, Joel finally sighed and asked, “Why d’ya think you’re a failure?” As he waited for your response, he slowly started stroking your belly once again.

“I don’t know, I- I was upset and spouted my mouth off. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Don’t give me that shit of ‘didn’t mean anything by it.’ Christ woman.” Joel said, pinching the bridge of his nose with his hand while removing his other hand from your belly.

You frowned slightly at his movements, knowing that now he was agitated. You didn't want to have any more arguments with him. You two have been finally getting along for a while, and you weren't in the mood to go back to the way things were, where you hardly spoke, and if you did, it would result in an argument. To you, those days were behind you.

When Joel felt you stiffen below him, he froze. He was frustrated at the situation tonight. Something was bothering you to the point where it made you panic, and he wanted to know why. Why did you think that you were a failure? He felt his heart ache when you continued to look up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at him for fear that it'd start another argument.

Since when did Joel Miller become such an asshole that his wife didn't want to look at him? Since when did he become your father?

Joel took a deep breath and sighed, realizing how harsh his attitude had been these past few months. Yeah, you two haven't had sex since Halloween, almost five months ago. He reasoned with himself that the lack of sexual intercourse was because of the doctor's orders. But you two haven't done anything else either. Joel didn't blame you; he blamed himself for the change. Tommy even commented the other day to Joel that his brother had changed, but not in a good way. Yeah, Joel Miller was an asshole. But what bothered him the most was he's been an asshole to you, and you've never deserved it.

Sighing at this realization, he turned towards you and gently touched your chin. “Hey, look at me, will ya,” he said, cupping your cheek with his hand. When you finally decided to look at him, he smiled tenderly and whispered, “I love you. You know that, right, baby?”

He felt his eyes sting when you didn't answer and just stared at him. Joel Miller has been drastically fucking things up.

“I'm so fucking sorry, darlin’,” he said while gently placing his hand back again on your bump. “I’m sorry for makin’ this. For fucking everything up where I wasn’t there for you emotionally like I should have been.”

You just glared at him, struggling to keep your tears from falling. “Y-you didn't, shit,” you said, brushing a single tear away from your cheeks. I’m not doing this right now. I’m not going to break down again, you thought.

Joel could see you were struggling not to get emotional, and he was trying so hard to find ways to fix what he had already broken. “Baby, I was so mad at what ya told me on Halloween. That I wasn't rockin’ your sexual world anymore. I got, fuck baby, I got mad and jealous.”

“Seriously? What could you have been jealous about?” You said, snapping at him with more force than you intended. You were confused and slightly irritated at your husband. Joel was the one who shut you out after Halloween, not you. He barely spoke to you, held you; hell, he still hasn't even fucked you since that night. Sure, you pulled away, too, and you didn't tell him you were pregnant. But every time you tried to open up, he'd shut you down, yell at you, or treat you like you weren't his wife. You sat in silence, not knowing how to respond to your husband. Joel wasn't moving or answering you either, and for a minute, you thought that maybe he'd fallen asleep. But then you heard it, a sniffle, followed by a choked-off sob.

“Joel-” you said softer, looking over at him as you noticed tears streaming down his face. He placed a hand over his eyes, sobbing into it. You didn't understand what was happening or why he was giving you this emotional response.

“I'm s-sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that you d-don't want to be w-with me anymore.” Joel said, continuing to sob into his hand.

Where the hell was this all coming from? You thought. “Baby, what are you talking about? Of course I-”

“Don’t,” Joel said sternly, quickly brushing his tears away. Joel hated crying by himself, and he hated crying in front of you. After taking a moment to collect himself, he leaned down and whispered to your belly, “I'm so sorry that Daddy has fucked this up. I-I love both you and your mama so fucking much, ok?” He gently kissed your belly and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes away. When he sat up, he looked around the room, admiring the home you two had built together, with the front of him facing away from you.

Joel wouldn't look at you, even when you asked him. You were scared, scared of what was coming next. You knew this scene, knew it well from your father. It would be the moment that Joel would tell you he’s been sleeping with someone else. He’d tell you that you were too much for him and that he couldn’t help it, that it was an accident. You also waited for the words ‘you ruined my life’ to come to his lips, just like your father told you before. But the longer you waited, the longer it was apparent that those words would never come. That’s when you felt your heart begin to race again.

“I can practically hear those gears turning in your head, love. Stop overthinking things. I just wanted to say that you deserve better; you both do. And I know I'm not your favorite human right now and that you’re ashamed to carry my child-”

“Joel Miller, what are you even talking about? I'm not ashamed of-”

Joel stopped you by raising a hand, silencing you, saying, “Please, just let me finish.” He then continued when he knew you wouldn't interrupt him again. “I've, I'm- shit- I'm not good with this stuff, with words. I just- fuck.”

Joel didn't know what he was trying to say. He felt sorry for Halloween and for the miscommunication you two had. He’s been moody since then and not present in his marriage. He was also very sorry for not making you feel comfortable enough to tell him things again, like when you were first pregnant. But most of all, he was sorry for disappointing you as a man and husband.

When Joel realized the last admission in his mind, he felt tears well up again. You had opened your mouth to speak again, but Joel interrupted you by saying, “Ya know, I think my ex-wife was right all those years ago.”

“How so?” you said, tensing at the mention of her.

“She said I always fucked things up, and that's why she was- uh- why it didn't work out between us.” Joel almost said it. The thing he hadn’t told you. That his first wife was unfaithful because he wasn't present in their marriage and didn't give her enough support after Sarah was born.

“Joel,” you said while slowly grabbing his hand. “Baby, I'm not her, and for the record, you ain't fucking things up.”

Joel snorted at your comment, saying, “Darlin', we both know that ain't true. You're pregnant with my child. And you didn't even want to tell me because of it, because of me.”

“Joel, I didn't tell you because I was scared. I'm a woman in my middle thirties who told her husband life was stale in the bedroom. On that same night, he also knocked me up. I wanted to tell you immediately, but as soon as I attempted, you weren't there. You were working 16-hour days and moody because of no help at work. Yeah, I fucked up. I should have said something, but I was scared. I was scared I was trapping you in a marriage you didn't want.”

“What do you mean a marriage I didn't want? Baby, I love you and want you, always. I've never felt trapped, not ever. Why are you thinkin’ that?” Joel said, screwing his face up and not understanding why you thought he didn't want to be married.

“I don't know, just something my dad said when-”

“I ain't your old man,” Joel said, grinding his teeth and flaring his nostrils. At one time, your father, Pat, was Joel's best friend. But that abruptly ended when Pat laid his hands on his daughter and unforgivably hurt her.

“I know it's just- I was worried you didn't want this, want me. I know I'm a lot, a handful, that-” Your voice started to tremble, and your lip was quivering. You couldn't say it out loud. But Joel knew it was the last thing you heard your father say before you walked out of his life, forever.

Flashback

“Joel, I know my daughter, ok? She's a handful, a complete pain in the ass, and a liability. One that I wish like hell wasn't my damn responsibility anymore. So do yourself a favor; don't get involved. She'll just ruin your life. She’s already ruined mine.”

You had stood there and heard your father tell Joel, your new fiance, he didn't want you as a daughter anymore. That you being around was a burden to him and his life. You were standing in the kitchen as Pat, your father, talked to Joel in the living room. You weren't supposed to hear the conversation, and you knew that. But with what you heard, it had shattered you. You walked out of your father's house with tears in your eyes, never returning. It was good that you walked out before you heard your father's last comment. The one comment that yet today made Joel grind his teeth and see red anytime he thought about it.

“Joel, that girl of mine is nothin’ but a goddamn whore. A bitch, just like her mother. She'll just hurt you in the end. My advice, make sure you have a little something on the side, a nice piece of ass as I did, just as a pick me up. Trust me, you'll get sick of looking at her pathetic ass day in and day out. I did with her mother, and it felt great to go and get some much-needed attention from the girls I had on the side…”

After your father called you a whore and told Joel what took place when Joel had you hang out at his house, he felt sick and saw red with anger. Your dad's weekend trips and late-night house calls were due to him fucking around on your mom, a woman who was battling cancer and eventually lost. But the worst thing that Joel found out was that all those black eyes you were supporting in high school and college weren't because you got into a fight or that a boyfriend hit you. No, Pat was getting drunk and using his fists against his daughter's face. Joel also had a sneaky suspicion that the two cracked ribs you had in college also came from Pat. Joel couldn't believe that his best friend did that, and worse, you never said anything. Joel would have stopped it immediately if he had known. Pat was no longer in either of your lives anymore.

Present Day

“Baby, you ain't too much, so stop thinking that. C’mere.” Joel said, having you come and sit on his lap while he placed his back against the headboard.

He helped you straddle him, putting your hard baby belly against his softer belly. Your bump prevented you from getting as close as usual, but it was close enough that Joel could still wrap his arms around you and rest his forehead against yours.

“Now, darlin’, I want you to take a deep breath for me, ok?” After you took a deep breath and slowly let it out, you felt your heartbeat return to normal, along with his.

“I’m so sorry, Joel, that I didn’t tell you-”

“Don’t. Please darlin’. I-I don’t care what we’ve done before. I care about the right here and now. Please.”

You could feel how stressed Joel was. How his muscles tensed with you, referencing you were sorry again for not telling your husband at the beginning of your pregnancy that you were pregnant. If you could do it again, but differently, you would. But that’s not life. Life is about living in the moment, feeling emotions, and allowing yourself to experience it in its messy glory. It’s about making mistakes and then learning from those mistakes. But most of all, it’s about forgiveness, hope, compassion, love, and understanding. You both understood that the choices made these past few months were out of anger, frustration, and loneliness.

With your eyes closed and your understanding of the situations that have surrounded the two of you for a while, you quietly said, “I love you, old man.”

Joel let out a small snort at your teasing. ‘Old man’ was a nickname you gave him long ago when the two of you started dating, and now it was a term of endearment.

“I love you too, baby girl,” he said, slowly nuzzling his nose against yours.

When you pulled back and opened your eyes, you saw your husband looking at you lovingly. His eyes were so soft, tenderness seen behind them. He was your lifeline that tethered you to this world, keeping you anchored and not drifting. When he slowly kissed you, you felt him tell you in the kiss that you were loved and that everything would be alright. He was your rock, your protector, your soulmate. But more importantly, he was your Joel. The man who saw you for what you were inside. He saw past your faults and insecurities, of you believing you were too much. He gave you a safe place to land and be in the moment. You had a lifetime with him, helped him raise Sarah, and gave birth to two strong-willed little boys you loved dearly. And now you were pregnant again, with a baby that was half him and half you growing inside of you. This little one was very much a surprise, but the best possible surprise. It forced you both to stop your chaotic lives and slow down to remember what life was all about Love.

After several tender kisses, you started to giggle against his mouth. Joel pulled back at your giggling, confused at your antics. “Darlin’, are you laughing at me?”

You continued giggling and said, “No, Joel, I’m not,” but then you giggled again.

“Baby, please-”

“Joel, I just felt the baby move.”

Joel’s eyebrows shot up, surprised, looking at you with excitement. “R-really? Just now?”

“Yes, just now, when I was thinking how much I loved you and how much this child is teaching us that we need to communicate still, to be strong, and-”

Joel slowly moved his hands down to your stomach and rubbed it tenderly. He knew he wouldn’t feel movement for another few weeks. But seeing you feel life for the first time was the best possible gift one could experience with you. The joy on your face at the realization that a baby was growing inside you, one that he helped create.

“There it is again,” you said, smiling and giggling. You placed your hand right over Joel’s hand, right where you felt movement. It felt like a cricket, or something ran across your stomach, but from the inside. It was always the oddest feeling that you’d feel. It wasn’t a full kick yet; those would come in a few weeks. But in this movement, it always made you laugh when you’d feel it for the first time.

When you looked up at Joel, you were beaming with the biggest smile, while he had the most tender look in his eyes. Softly, he rubbed his thumb back and forth over your skin, giving you and his baby affection. “She's telling her mama that she loves her.”

“Joel, it’s too early. We don’t-” you said, choking up with emotion. Joel knew you wanted a girl so badly, especially after the two of you lost the only pregnancy before where you were pregnant with a girl. It was a sore subject for the two of you.

Before, when you were pregnant with a girl, Joel had come home early from work because you said you weren’t feeling well. He noticed you were sleeping on the couch when he entered the house. Joel quietly went upstairs and showered, but you yelled for him while he was washing his body. Joel quickly rinsed himself off and ran out to the living room, wearing nothing but a towel with water still dripping down his back. When he got to you, you were sitting up and crying. When he had asked you what was wrong, you pulled back the blanket, and Joel saw a large pool of bright red blood on the couch. You were rushed to the hospital by ambulance, but it was already too late. The girl you were pregnant with had no heartbeat detected. You stayed in the hospital for observation, delivering the tiny baby that night.

After you were asleep in the hospital, Joel had gone home. He took the sledgehammer to the couch, tears streaming down his face while hitting it. Tommy found him beating the hell out of the sofa, crying and screaming at how much he hated the world for taking the one thing that you wanted away from you: a little girl.

And now, all these years later, when you hear Joel reference a girl, you can’t help but get scared. Sure, you hoped for a girl and dreamed of it again, but you also didn't want to go through losing another baby once again.

“It’s just a hunch, darlin’, and don’t worry, mama; I’ll keep you both safe. Now come on, time for you both to go to bed.” Joel said, wrapping you in his arms to help silence your fears.

Joel laid you down and got you situated after he brought you some water to drink. He pulled you tight to him, your back against his bare chest as he traced small circles on your belly, helping you quickly fall asleep. After Joel knew you were sleeping soundly, he quietly whispered, “Little one, please stay in here no matter what, ok? I don’t know if you’re a girl or a boy, but I think you may be a girl this time. Regardless, your mama needs you to be healthy, and Daddy needs you to be healthy. You’ve heard bad words these past few months when your mama and I have been arguing. But please know, I’m beyond excited to be a dad yet again, your dad. I love you both so much, ok. Stay in there, and let your mama have a nice, easy pregnancy, ok? I love you.”

Joel stilled his hand on your bump, gently holding it snug while he drifted off to sleep. Neither of you knew that deep inside your belly, a tiny baby girl was growing nice and strong. Even though this pregnancy was difficult at times, that baby had no plans of leaving anytime soon. She would be the miracle and the one thing that helped you focus on fixing your marriage once and for all.

They say that life throws the most challenging curveballs when you least expect them and that sometimes those challenging events shape you into a better human being. That’s always been the story for you and Joel, and now, you both are about to enter the exciting part of your pregnancy—the one that will reshape your current Marriage Dynamics.

End of Chapter

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jeankirsteinsgrlfrnd · 11 months ago

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Can you do ex-husband Levi please?

ex-husband levi headcanons

definitely wore a suit to the divorce lawyers

honestly i think right after the the divorce settled, he wouldn’t talk to you for a long time due to pride and just being upset

eventually he understands that you two still love each other, marriage just wasn’t working out

after that realization, he slowly starts talking to you more, feeling like shit for casting you out when you were going through a hard time too

he still thinks of you as his best friend, checks in on you from time to time

he has trouble referring to you as ‘ex-wife’ when you are brought up in conversation. he keeps having to correct himself

he never stopped wearing his wedding band. it just became something he’d essentially forgotten about. he was so used to it always being on his finger he never bothered to take it off

he knows that he should take it off but he doesn’t feel ready yet.

when he does decide to take it off, he’ll keep it in a box somewhere.

he won’t admit it but he feels incredibly lonely and sad.

he hates being divorced. he hates that people know that. he hates the reputation that comes with it

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m1ssunderstanding · 9 months ago

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Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 3.3

John having to get high out of his mind because he knows he's invited Paul to come play with him is so so sad. These are the same guys who used to sit facing each other on a bed playing guitars for hours, and now this is them?

Is John calling Paul “Jack Lemon” a reference to “some like it hot”? Because if so, I have questions. Anyway, when your estranged best friend shows up to hang out with you and a bunch of people, talking about being in love again and getting jizzed on is extremely normal and acceptable behavior.

This jam session is so fucking painful though. Paul's doing his best to just push through and get them to actually play something and John's just too far gone.

My theory: there's two reasons he did this. 1. He's avoidant and the last thing he's going to do is let on how bad he needs John in his life and how scared he is that if John gets back with Yoko that that'll be difficult. And 2. He couldn't live with himself if he didn't. If he'd kept it from John that Yoko wanted him back and later John cried to him about how much he missed Yoko or something? Paul can't have that.

John singing a snatch of Yesterday before a take of “Whatever gets you through the Night”??? Did either of them ever write a song where they weren't thinking about the other? Did they ever have a minute of peace without the other rattling the bars of the cage in his brain?

“Hold me Darling, come on, listen to me. I won't do you no harm.” Duh it's about Paul. Oh my gosh.

And with Bless You I'm always so torn. There are so many obvious references to Paul which the doc points out beautifully, but situationally it could also be about Yoko. Maybe it's about both of them in the same way that don't let me down is about both of them.

Anyway the cosmic visuals are gorgeous.

Why'd you have to phrase it like that though? Twice?

Hall of Fame moment. It's a high point for him career-wise and he chose to pull Paul into his spotlight. Not only to sing Paul's song, not only to name-drop him, but to publicly call him an official romantic title. Not “boyfriend” or “ex-wife” which both could've been much more mocking if that's what he was trying to do. But “fiance”. It's official and respected, but it's still got the lustful, unsettled, connotation that something like “husband” lacks.

Johann Weener, everyone. What a loser.

Everyone who still refers to Lennon Remembers like it's the fucking Bible listen to this. It doesn't go on for the next five years, let alone fifty.

John refusing to walk to blocks to sign the papers when George and Paul flew over the ocean. And only on the basis of astrology. He really didn't want the divorce. My heart aches for him. But he made his bed as they say.

I'm putting on my tinfoil hat again here, but I do just have to point out that one of John's first songs, “Hello, Little Girl,” has a line that goes, “you never seem to see me standing there”. And the earliest draft of WISHST, which was started soon after, answers that line. “I saw you standing there.” (Yes, it said you originally, not her). So maybe. Just maybe. That song wasn't just a Paul song, but a song that John knew Paul had put a message in for him. Okay, I apologize for the insanity. On another note, I do wonder if he ever found out what Paul thought of that.

Interviewer: ≈ at this point, do you like writing by yourself, or do you want to write with Paul again?≈ John: ≈well it's a bit of both. It's the same for Paul. We were talking about it a week ago. Okay, cool. So they definitely talked openly and honestly about potentially writing together again.

John, about their partnership, “There was always the feeling that someone was there if you needed it.” Paired with the gayest picture ever taken and then Paul singing “if I can do anything at all, let me help.” Thanks. I hate it.

John was so excited for New Orleans! What happened? I mean I have my theory based on May's book and the sudden shift in behavior. But it's pretty dark.

You know how crazy Paul is about John in interviews now? How he can't seem to keep John's name out of his mouth? John was worse in the seventies. He's promoting his Rock’n’Roll album, talking unprompted and romantically about how he met Paul, when the interviewer reminds him what relationship he's supposed to be romanticizing right now. So John remembers too and dedicates the album to Yoko who he's just got back together with.

Biconic quote.

Interviewer asks, after John's brought him up, if John's pleased with how well Paul's doing. John expresses his relief that Ringo has "found himself a niche" and then

I really do think that last bit sums up a big chunk of how John feels about Paul, and why he feels alright playing dirty against Paul or slagging Paul off. Why it would have been the furthest thing from his mind that Paul actually struggled or was insecure. Why Paul had to remind him, “I'm only a person like you, love.”

What an insane thing to think, let alone say. What if Julian had heard that? I'm pretty sure Julian and Paul weren't in contact, really at all, until the eighties, right? So John's doing better than he is at this point (I mean he's his dad, he should be). John is insecure about every possible thing and compares himself to Paul in every possible way.

Baby. He needed some serious help. The thing that sucks about being ahead of your time is that you also have to live in a world that's behind your needs.

And then. “There's always a friendly tv channel to turn to that's going to make you feel less alone.” I wonder if Paul “Call Me Back Again, John I know you're not that tired from the baby just let me in the fucking door” McCartney heard this? It's possible with how obsessive they were, but it's also impossible with how busy he kept himself.

Okay, here's the first story we've been missing about Paul experiencing negative emotions. And, of course, as always in this doc, it's paired perfectly with “Don't Let it Bring you Down” which is the musical mission statement of Paul's clenched-jawed smile philosophy.

"I tend to get a bit absolute in my statements." Yes, John. Yes you do. Another quote that Big Lennon fans should keep in mind.

John on the three weeks he took to decide if he wanted to continue the band after the first Hamburg trip: The others were mad because we could've been making money. Yeah, John, Paul suddenly had to work in a factory after he'd thrown away an educated, white-collar career (the first in his family) to be in your band. I'd be pissed too if you just didn't even bother to call. Anyway I just hate how casual John is about it. Someone who never had to worry about money is just never going to get that.

John doesn't even remember a ballpark number of how much they were making. Paul remembers exactly bragging to his professors that he was making fifteen a week in Hamburg. Sorry to go on and on about this right before Paris, but to me it's an important difference between them.

Anyway, the fact that Paris was more than just a vacation for them. The fact that – according to Stuart and John at least – they might not have come back. It's dizzying. They really thought about just running off together. I wonder what made them decide to come back and continue the band.

No offense if you do, but I don't personally believe in this stuff. What would the motivation have been for the tarot reader to tell him that? Either way, fuck him.

Gosh the live version of “Call Me Back Again”. You feel it, physically, how bad he wants this phonecall. And the desperation from such a successful man is fantastic. Literally, John, how did it feel to be the only man in the world that could get Paul McCartney to beg? “Pretty baby” “what can I do?” “Boohoohoo babe.” “I tried the operator, but I just can't get through.”

Reporter at the Wings over America tour: No John Lennon, no George Harrison, and no Ringo Starr, just Paul McCartney. And for everyone here tonight, that seemed to be plenty! Obviously he's loving this praise after all the negative press. Anyone would, and Paul needs it more than most people actually. But I bet part of him is like “stop. Don't say it like that, they already hate me enough as it is.”

How many times has John admitted that he finds Paul attractive? “It was no surprise, you know, when the kids – girls saw him, they go ‘ooh! Ooh!’ right away, you know?”

“I know it's true. It's all because of you.” Playing over this? Are you kidding me? Anyway I've never seen the picture version of this, so I thought I'd screenshot it.

But actually, in a way, the original written lyrics to Now and Then are less depressing than what he sang on the demo. “I know it's true, I'm still in love with you, and if I make it through, it's all because of you,” is obviously sad because they're both married to other people. But at least in that version, John's saying his own personal resilience to life's struggles comes from his relationship with Paul, which is nice. Whereas when John, who is sliding into a self-hating deep depression I'm comparing himself to Paul's phenomenal success, sings “it's all because of you” in a general sense, it almost feels like a callback to the ‘I'm shit and I couldn't do anything but be a Beatle (and ride Paul's boat)’ quote. Which is heartbreaking. I wish he could've recognized his own genius.

But yeah either way it's enough to make your heart heavy. If anyone needs a good cry, just go to the last five minutes of this. That should've been the now and then music video, but Paul's too scared of feelings. Which. You know. Considering how much it affects me, I can't even imagine how much it affects him. So he gets a pass.

“Why must we be alone? It's real love. It's real.”

#mclennon #paul mccartney #john lennon #the beatles #ringo starr #george harrison #understanding lennon mccartney #ulm

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outlanderskin · 1 year ago

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The Thing About Rationality and Logic

Someone who was stopping shipping once told me that she was doing it because she was a very realistic and rational person and her life was based on logic. So I asked her if by that she meant that people like me live in fantasy or are irrational. So, I patiently explained that what made me a shipper was exactly logic, more than imagination or fantasy. Because the logical explanation for many events in S&C's trajectory would be that they are together, but they don't want the outside world to know that they are.

I'll cite some examples: when you have a best friend and someone in that person's family dies, what logically do you do? You see, we're talking about best friends, very close people who publicly say how much they value each other and are close. The logical thing would be for you to show solidarity, post condolences and behave publicly in a discreet manner, in solidarity with the loss of that person you love so much, especially because you (by logic) probably have known the deceased relative. The logic would be stay by your best friend's side, support the family. But what we saw in that sad august days, (showed ostensibly for us to believe) was something that no logical answer about "best friends/siblings" could explain. The only way to explain the narrative created in those days would be that they are two people with a cordial, but superficial, relationship and I believe that from what has been stated by the two all these years, not even the Antis deep down believe that they are not close. . Again I ask: what is the need to hide that you were supporting your best friend in an extremely painful moment in anyone's life? Many people (famous or not) do this publicly, because after all it is not a crime, it is the expected logical behavior. So... Why hide it? We know what really happened because this a logical thing, but the others believe firmly he was not there for her.

Let's move on to another point: the man of the year award (or something like that); How can you logically explain that you chose your mother, your best friend and your co-worker to thank, as the most important women in your life? You who apparently had many "girlfriends", who still gets along well with your discreet ex-girlfriend who lives on another continent, who has others close female friends, but didn't mention any of them along with your co-worker. I've seen several men receiving tributes and the Acknowledgments always include the mother, another older woman of reference and the wives, girlfriends, fiancées. The only time I saw a co-worker mentioned (and that was after his mother, grandmother and wife), was when the achievement was due to his work at the company, so it was logical to mention the department secretary. What would then be the logical explanation for that speech?

Something that also defies logic: if I have a best friend and that person is in a relationship, I will obviously include that person's boyfriend/girlfriend on my list of people with whom I am always cordial. I'm not going to publicly act like the person doesn't exist in my best friend's life. We have a wonderful example of how CD & LL treat each other's boyfriends/girlfriends and they don't hide it. This is how it is when we think logically.

Another little point where logic calls us: your male best friend might talk about a female artist with admiration...you don't need to tell him "behave", after all he's not your husband. The most you can do in the case of friendship is admire her or say you don't like her, never act like you're jealous.

Maybe it's just me, but I never went on my best friend's social media to complain because everyone in the photo was wearing a suit and he wasn't. I also never apologized or justified why he didn't wear a tie. I do this normally with my husband. Because it's logical for wives to do this.

These are just small points, where thinking logically justifies what we believe. So anyone who thinks that we are not rational, live outside of reality or do not have logical reasoning is mistaken, or has not yet stopped to think logically.🙃🙃

#outlander #shipping #samcait

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liuhko · 10 months ago

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ㅤʕ ྀི UR MOM ㅤ ݁ ˖ Carla Jaeger drabble headcanon things (?) requested by mootie @cindol

THIS WORK INCLUDES: female reader, mommy kink, nsfw, dominant character x submissive reader

NOTE: Today (January 29th) is Carla’s birthday!! Giving this post my nice layout cause ily cin (pls stop dissing yoosung). PLS SHE’S SO NGH~! Not proofread *frowny face*

Dealing with Eren was a handful, this was nothing new, but being his teacher came with a lot of perks. Perks such as meeting his mother. Carla Jaeger is the perfect woman. Smart, polite, and so gorgeous. Your first meeting with her was a parent-teacher conference. It was after school, in your classroom, she was the last parent you needed to attend to. You’d never been one to get butterflies, but when you locked eyes with this woman those bugs started soaring! The conference was quick, mostly because you had very little to say about Eren. He was a good kid, just a bit odd, but that’s just how kids are. Carla had praised your teaching abilities repeatedly during the meeting; you struggled to control yourself that day. Meeting her was like rainfall in mid-summer Arizona. However, you had noticed the pretty ring she wore and that soured your mood. “Of course, she’s married.” You grumbled to yourself once she had left. It was a rather sad predicament, her marriage ruined just about every fantasy you had. Until…!

“My parents divorced.” You furrowed your brows at the young boy. Eren had a bad habit of sharing everyone’s business, his included. “Divorced?” You asked him, a comical lightbulb flickering on in your head. A divorced woman needed the most love, surely she needed someone to talk to, someone she could trust. That someone would be you.

Carla was sensitive after her divorce, so it was easy to get close to her.

She grew comfortable with you instantly and was the first one to suggest contact outside of school.

She ranted about her ex-husband often, which pissed you off, but you knew it would pass with time.

Carla shared custody with Eren, and you often followed her when she had to drop him at his dad’s. She knew you disliked him but she had begged you to be cordial — you refused.

Carla and Grisha divorced because he had lost feelings for her and rekindled his love with his previous wife. This led to Carla becoming a bit critical of her appearance, and it drove you mad.

You showered her with affection and affirmations. Praising her face and body, often referring to her as the perfect woman, she always laughed at that title.

Carla often gave Eren an extra lunch to give you at work. Her food was delicious and you resisted the strong urge to eat HER (out) when you’d personally return the lunchbox to her the following day.

SUGGESTIVE/NSFW WARNING!

Your close friendship with Carla benefitted you in various ways. Once, her towel had slipped after getting out the shower. You were in the room and your eyes widened at the sight of her naked body. She apologized profusely but you just grinned. “It’s alright, we’re both women. I don’t mind.” The intentions behind your words were anything but innocent but they led to Carla being a lot more open.

She dressed/undressed in front of you. Asked for your help with changing, and sometimes showered with you to “save time”. You never questioned it. It was incredible.

Carla Jaeger was a bold woman. You had caught her searching a box in her bedroom, and she was completely unbothered. She proudly showed you the contents of the box and watched as you grew embarrassed. She even went as far as to explain how each object was used. “Oh, (name), there’s no need to be so shy. I’m sure you know how lonely I can be at times.” You scoffed at her. “Why would you be lonely when you have me?” A grin spread across her face upon hearing your words. “Then why don’t you help me with these? We’re both women after all. It’s not a big deal.”

If there’s one thing Carla loves, it’s toying with you. She enjoys taunting you and gets a kick out of watching you beg.

She also loves sitting on your face. Partly because you’re good at eating pussy but mostly because she loves seeing your cum-stained face.

Carla’s very accepting of your preferences and doesn’t judge you in the slightest, even when you accidentally call her mommy. “Do you like that, sweetheart? Should I keep going?” She cooed. A soft giggle escaped her lips as you let out a loud gasp, your legs shaking, when she increased the intensity. “Mhm…feels s-so good mommy…!” You responded through labored breaths. It didn’t take long for you to realize your mistake and begin explaining yourself, but Carla quickly shushed you. “I don’t mind, sweetie. If you like calling me mommy, you can…it just means I’m making you feel good.” The puzzled look on your face made her smile. “Are you sure you don’t mind? Cause if it makes you uncomfortable then I understand—“ She rolled her eyes and increased the vibration setting, effectively shutting you up. “I’m perfectly fine with it, you don’t need to worry.”

Carla records. She’s so attached to you and gets so lonely when you aren’t around. She’ll usually watch a few videos and play with herself when she misses you.

She sends you videos and pictures of herself all the time.

Carla gets DOWN with the strap. She never fails to make you cum. Never!!! She’s also interested in the craziest positions whenever she uses a strap. “(name), we should try this! All you have to do is get into a bridge pose, the yoga one!” She will persuade you into having sex in these abnormal positions.

Carla likes to get straps that are bigger than what you usually use just to see you with a stomach bulge. Watching you struggle to take a larger strap gets her much more excited than she should be.

Carla has a slew of pet names for you and they’re adorable. They’re nothing unique but still so cute, she loves using them to guide you through your orgasms.

She doesn’t love scissoring because she isn’t as close to you as she’d like to be (Carla’s very clingy) but she does enjoy the feeling of your wet pussy rubbing against hers, so she can’t complain too much!

Being a mom is stressful, and sometimes Carla just needs a day to de-stress. If you allow her to de-stress by using you, you’ll likely wake up sore and covered in bite and/or scratch marks. She apologizes when she’s done <3

Her aftercare is unmatched. Carla will cook you whatever you want if you’re hungry, pepper you with kisses and take her time cleaning you up.

She fantasizes about sexually torturing you.

Carla loves your tits, size is irrelevant. She plays with your nipples all the time.

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lightlycareless · 9 months ago

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I was reading your scorned ex husband Naoya and I was wondering how much worse he’d be if him and Y/N had to share custody of a child(How the Zen’ins let Y/N get a divorce AND get joint custody idk. Maybe it was Naoya’s last act of kindness to his wife). Hehehe, I feel like it’d be so messy

Heya anon!!

Couldn't get this idea out of my mind because I needed the angst :> I gotta say, your child here is the true victim. And yes, it would be messy. You'd end up hating Naoya for it—

But I won't say much, I'll let you read it instead :)

warnings: naoya is your ex-husband. you have a daugther named naomi. naoya's a jerk. naomi is a victim of his idiotness. toxic relationships. physical violence.

also, this is the work anon is referring to (can be read independently.)

Happy reading!!

Sharing custody of your beloved daughter Naomi with Naoya is, as expected, the most surprising, frustrating, and difficult (if not borderline impossible) things to do.

And no, it’s not because you must arrange your schedule to fit this new lifestyle—nothing that ever related to Naomi could be that.

Rather, because of the things Naoya was doing to spite you. He might deny it as much as he wanted, but what else could you call these… questionable behaviors?

First, through setting up thousands of excuses as to why the place Naomi was to visit with him was not good enough.

Sure, you could argue that as her father, he was entitled to… voice his opinion and choose an option that would also be of his liking—it’s their time together, after all, which didn’t happen every day; restricted to the weekends, per previous agreement.

But his suggestions were just so stupid, if not inappropriate for a child!

What made him think that spending the weekend over at this office was any good?

Or going to all these fancy restaurants that limit Naomi when it comes to her behavior?! She’s a kid, for god’s sake—the weekends are supposed to be a break from the boring school routine she’s subjected to on the weekdays!

“The amusement park is too noisy.”

“There’s too many germs at the water park.”

“She if wants to see a movie, she can do it at the house.”

Just to state a few.

It was highly infuriating, to say the least, to see how dismissively he behaved towards his own daughter. Angering enough, that the next time he said one of those stupid comments of his, you couldn’t help but lash out, wondering—

“Do you even love Naomi?”

Naoya remains quiet at your accusation, before opting to scoff in response, rolling his eyes, and leaving.

You believed that it wouldn’t get any worse than this. That it couldn’t.

But oh, how wrong you were.

By the next time Naomi returns from spending the weekend with her father, she runs to your arms as soon as she steps through the door, teary eyed and highly distraught, confiding you with words which prove Naoya can indeed be worse.

No, not worse.

Straight up atrocious.

“Naomi, pumpkin, what’s wrong??” you fret, taking the poor child in a tight embrace as she begins to cry.

“I don’t want to go with papa anymore…” is what she confesses, and at the notion of Naoya doing something stupid, yet again, your chest tightens with anger.

«Just what did he do this time?!» Your mind would frantically wonder, going through a long list of possible causes, hating each one more and more as you went past them.

And yet, no amount of preparation would be comparable to what Naomi eventually confessed.

“Papa made me call a… a woman mama.” She begins. “I—I didn’t want to, but he—he told me I couldn’t go back if I—if I didn’t do it…!”

That’s it.

Naoya has done it.

Officially.

You could respect his intolerance when it comes to doing something genuinely fun, or his lack of tact when being a father—hell, even you were accepting of it, outside of what the law said. Because deep inside you, you still believed he deserved to be in Naomi’s life.

And now that this new advancement rose to the occasion, regardless of how much it hurt you, you were also willing to accept the fact he was moving on with someone else.

But this…

This was beyond your limits.

Because if Naoya had any issues. it would be kept between him and you.

Naomi is nothing but an innocent girl that deserves to have parents that love her, and have nothing but her happiness in mind, doing all what it takes to ensure such a thing!

Not a father that immaturely tried to spite the mother of his child for bitter reasons.

And certainly not a mother that allowed this to go on for far too long.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” You’d shriek the moment you got a look at him in his office, Naoya freshly out of a meeting, and rightfully taken aback by your sudden, unannounced visit—any other time, you would’ve cared enough to not have caused a scene, but when it came to Naomi, you didn’t care if this was all his employees and family would talk about for the upcoming weeks.

You just bothered to know what was inside his stupid little fucking mind to have demanded such absurdity from your daughter and disrespected you in the process!

“What are you doing here, Y/N—"

“I can respect you seeing other people, really, I do.” You cut through his words; this isn’t his moment to talk, after all. “In fact, I’m glad you have! Great, you’re moving on!

But I will not tolerate disrespect towards my daughter, or my role as her mother! Did you know Naomi came back home crying because you forced her to call a woman she doesn’t even know her mom? What were you thinking?!”

“I was thinking of what was right.” He quickly interjects, a prominent frown on his face. “Do you think it’s acceptable to have this—this arrangement??”

“No, it’s not, because I should’ve gotten full custody of her!” you cry back. “I can’t believe you managed to convince the judge you were actually a good father to her! But let’s be real, that was your family’s money talking, wasn’t it?”

“Y/N—I won’t allow you to—!”

“Oh, but I have to?!” you gasp. “I have to take the way you treat Naomi weekend after weekend? Dismissing her like she was just a random kid, and not your daughter? Which you wanted to have if I need to remind you! And after all this, you still have the nerve to tell me I’m being disrespectful?!”

“Well, now that we’re talking about reminders, you’d do good in remembering you’re the one that filed for divorce! The whole reason this is happening at all is because of you!”

“Fine! I’ll play the villain if you want to—But I won’t stomach you hurting Naomi!” you cry. “She is your daughter, Naoya! At least have a bit of decorum when it comes to her!”

“Ha! I don’t recall having a daughter so insolent against her own fa—”

Naoya doesn’t even finish his words before your hand lands a slap across his face, a movement so harsh that effectively turns his head to the side, with a sound equally resounding in both his mind and office, that left him both speechless and startled as everyone else quickly exited the room, understanding it was best to leave in their own terms while they still could.

While you, on the other hand, frantically tried to wrap your head around the fact that not only was he comfortable insulting you, but your innocent daughter as well.

The one person that did not deserve any of the horrible things he was doing.

The one act you could never forgive.

“Do not, ever, talk about Naomi like that!” you hiss. “Naomi has been nothing but accepting of your irresponsible parenting! Far more than she should be! In fact, she’s—she’s always excited to wait for the moment she’ll get to see you again, since you don’t bother reaching out to her any other way!

And you still dare talk about her like that?! What is wrong with you, Naoya?! Why are you doing all of this?! You literally don’t have anything in your odds to be behaving this way!

You have a good job, no—you have your whole life set, and you’re moving on with someone else too! So, why must you keep hurting me and your daughter? Are you not satisfied with what you have? With your new life without the wife you hated oh so much?!

Or do we—do we have to be miserable just for you to be happy?”

But even then, Naoya doesn’t respond; instead, he just keeps silent, as if deep in his thoughts while placing his hand over his cheek, carefully feeling the marks of your attack underneath his fingers before eventually glancing back at you.

And you don’t know what it was—perhaps the silence following the turmoil allowed the depths of your emotions to finally settle, or maybe it was the disbelief of reaching your breaking point and hurting Naoya, an act you greatly came to regret later on, pushed you to it— but you’d end up revealing far more than what you initially wanted.

Offering a glimpse of your true feelings, a question that erupted the moment divorce crossed your mind, and filed the papers, continuing to torment you to this day, more so when doing what you did…

“Where—where did we go wrong?”

“You did this.” Naoya accuses—there was fury in his eyes, an expected sentiment after all that transpired. And yet, underneath that fire, something inside you was still able to discern that far from pained by the act… he was sorrowful both got there in the first place. “All of this is your fault—”

“What was I supposed to do, Naoya? Stay behind in a household where I was nothing but miserable, where your family wouldn’t bother respect me, or our daughter, and with you—you allowing all of it? Like we were deserving of it?” you breathe. “Did you…. all this time—Hate me?”

“No, I don’t hate you.” Naoya disputed. “I—I don’t—I never did.”

“Do you hate Naomi, then?” you fret. “How—how could you do that, Naoya? She’s your daughter, for fucks sake! A child! What could she have done to you to earn your hatred?! You—you even wanted her!”

“It’s not—It’s not against her—it never was. I couldn’t do anything to hurt—”

“Then what is it?! What is it that has you so—so angry at us!”

“Y/N—I—I don’t know—”

“Just tell me!” you cry. “Tell me!! Why is it always so hard for you to tell the truth?!”

“I never wanted to hurt Naomi! I could never!”

“Don’t lie to me—not after all the horrible things you’ve done to her! Do you really need us to be miserable just to be happy?! You have everything in the world! Why can’t you just let us go—"

“Because I never wanted you to leave!” He suddenly confesses, a shocking truth that hits you across the face, perhaps much sharper than the slape you gave him, leaving you silent all air leaves your lungs. “I never wanted that—that stupid divorce! Or for you to act like I wasn’t even important to you!”

“Naoya—what does that even—”

“You know damn well what I mean!” he hisses, burning tears beginning to pool in his eyes. “I—I could never hurt Naomi, I wouldn’t dream of it—but it was the only way to get you to look at me. The only way to see you again—or even—or even react to me!”

“Wha—what?”

“Ever since you… ever since we got divorced, is like I don’t exist to you anymore.” Naoya continues, lowering his gaze to the floor, the weight of his actions, as well as your hardened gaze, too much for him to take. “I call you, text you, even try looking for you at your house, but you’re nowhere to be found. Or even… interested in seeing me again.”

“And why would I want to do that?” you murmur, frowning. “With the way you treated me—the way you’re treating our daughter, why would you even think I want to do that?”

“Can you say with certainty, that you don’t feel anything for me anymore, then?” Your ex-husband adds. “That in your heart, there’s nothing—nothing left for me?”

“That’s… that’s not what matters.” You pause. “Not anymore.”

“So that’s it? That’s what you’re going with? You’re just going to abandon this marriage, like it didn’t mean anything?” Naoya takes a step closer to you, and while you move away from him, you don’t do the same at the second attempt, less when he placed his hand over your cheek, gently touching you the same way he’d done many, many years ago—when the two were, perhaps, still in love.

“It meant the world to me, Naoya.” You say, voice trembling, doing your best to not let the tears in your eyes slide down your cheeks—to no avail, caught by his gentle thumb. “There was nothing more than I wanted than to make this marriage work. But… it wasn’t meant to be, no matter how much I tried, or how many children we had—”

“We can still do it—we can still go back and make it better—right this time."

But deep inside you, you knew that wouldn’t be possible.

Because what you hoped Naomi would represent, the one last chance to save this marriage… simply became its doom, a tool for him to use against it as well—a declaration that truly, not even a blessing, like was meant to be for you and him, could do the now impossible task.

After all, if it didn’t happen during the marriage… what security did you have it would happen after? More so with the things he selfishly did to grab your attention?

It was unjust for Naomi. The one person you’ve long accepted to shift your whole existence for, and would willingly continue to do so, even if it meant letting go of what once made you happy.

Or wished that one day would.

Your work was carved out for you, you just… needed to stop being the delusional mother that wished for a happy, healthy marriage with the man you considered the love of your life…

And walk away from the father that is still unwilling to let go. the father from not letting go.

“I hope you enjoyed your weekend with Naomi.” You begin, moving away from his hand and getting a glimpse of his shocked, if not confused, eyes, which gave you the impression he knew what you were to say—

Or perhaps, the reluctance to accept this was to happen.

“Because it’ll be the last.”

Ex-husband was too merciful of a title to give him.

With at that happened, and all you needed to do…

No one was more fitting.

Oof, that was angsty :s well, it's safe to say Y/N and Naoya are not happening again.

I honestly always liked the idea that if Y/N and Naoya break up/divorce, they wouldn't date again. Sure, they'd try, specially with Naoya's family, but they would never move on. They can't—their fates were destined to be with one another, and if not possible, then that's it—no other person can come into their life.

Gee, how... dramatic of me lol. But, well, I like tragic stories :)

Anyways, I hope it was to your liking! Thank you so much for this angsty ask heheh. Take care, and hope to see you soon!! ❤️❤️

#ask #naoya zenin #naoya zen'in #naoya x reader #naoya zenin x reader #naoya zenin x you #jjk naoya #naoya zen'in x reader #jjk x reader #jjk angst #jjk x you #prompt series: jujutsu kaisen

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avelera · 2 years ago

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Random thoughts on the D&D movie in no particular order:

I loved the jokes. All of them. All the stupid jokes. I was their target audience and they succeeded at making me cackle at dumb shit while my partner's soul left his body

The landscape shots were breathtaking and honestly made me tear up at the beauty in places. In the theater, I remember thinking, "Yeah, FUCK yeah, these guys understood the assignment!" Nine out of ten times, I think fantasy should be animated, because if you don't pour millions into the budget, the action looks like crummy LARPers wearing silly costumes in the woods. This movie understood that if you're doing live action fantasy, you owe your audience some damn beautiful landscape shots and damn did they deliver on some beautiful landscape shots.

(cut for spoilers)

I sincerely appreciated Holga and her husband being divorced but still amicable. I'm so tired of the trope of exes being evil or awful. They just seemed like two adults who wanted to love each other but the circumstances of being together doomed them from the start. It was played for laughs but it was just a moment I genuinely enjoyed as divorcee. I also loved her ex's new wife looking exactly like her, both for the gag, and for what it said about both of them being each other's type even if it didn't work out.

I also cackled like a hyena at Holga's halfling fetish while also finding it rather sweet and enjoyed imagining all the reasons why she might have that preference lol

As a basic Drizzt Do'Urden loving bitch, I squeed when I saw Icewind Dale on the map. Then I had a moment between that and the Underdark of wondering, "Am I gonna see him? Even in the distance? Am I going to see my first love, Drizzt Do'Urden??"

And then I realized: the Paladin. The Paladin is Drizzt. Only good person who came out of a nation destroyed by evil. Too good for this world, too pure, to the point of being sanctimonious but is also a hottie. Xenk is Drizzt.

Oh, I also squeed when I saw the Underdark.

I appreciated how knowledge of D&D improved certain story beats (like the gelatinous cube or the displacer beast) but wasn't required to enjoy the plot. That's how references should be done.

The most agonizingly cringe moment for me was when Holga was dying. Just. I appreciated the beat. It couldn't go any other way. They delivered on their set up with the tablet, the only question was ever, "Who besides his wife is going to get saved with it?" And it made perfect sense who it was. I'm glad they didn't try to pull a fast one. But the scene was like... 10 seconds too long of her dying for me to not roll my eyes. We know you're going to use the tablet on her, dipshit, please keep this moving.

BUT I think the reason they did it was to land a sincere moment with the daughter, and I appreciated that. I think the scene could have been improved by Holga being like, "Don't you fucking dare use that tablet on me!" and then smacking him when he did it anyway and then he'd have to explain that he set out to save his daughter's mother, not his wife, who has passed on, etc etc. but I'm not sure that would have been much better so maybe the drawn-out opera death scene and the sincerity was better in the end idk.

I KINDA wanted to see the actors as the players playing D&D BUT I know why they didn't and it was a wise choice, it undermines the drama too much to say it doesn't matter because it's a game. Maybe if instead they'd should the characters playing D&D in universe as normal humans? Idk

I thought there'd be more Xenk? I thought he'd be in the arena with them? A little bummed but I also loved his GM NPC energy.

The combat and camera work was great! Genuinely enjoyable and well made, I appreciated the artistry that went into it.

Loved the bardic distraction scene for truly capturing the chaos of a D&D party's attempt at breaking and entering

Loved the portals bit for truly capturing the strategy and planning that can go into a functioning D&D campaign's clever heist, even if I'm sure it would have taken 5 sessions to plot out IRL

Honestly, it was just a fun, solid film! It's been a while since I've seen such a fun, solid film! I would buy it and put it on in the background to just enjoy and not angst over it! It was worth the price of admission, it was faithful to the spirit of D&D instead of sneering at it the way the early 2000s one did, and I had a good time! It wasn't the highest of art but it would have been weird if it had been! I liked it a lot!

#DND #honor among thieves

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love-sapphirerose · 8 months ago

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Rin: Bad Inuyasha Character

Another bad damsel in distress in the Inuyasha series. I never really liked Rin since I've always thought of her as a weak girl who was clingy and obsessed with Sesshomaru. Rin is like a younger version of Kagome except she's not an archer.

Her Character

In the original, rin was an annoying and obnoxious little girl who had a dark past and a major obsession with sesshomaru but in yashahime it was much worst.

For the majority of yashahime, rin was frozen in the tree of ages. In the first season of episode 1, it was a flashback of a manga chapter in the final act. But in episode 15, she lacked character as she let sesshomaru, who just ignored her, take her newly born twins away with no explanation other than it was a rite of courage and cowardice and was completely obedient and okay with it. Suddenly in season 2, she was reverted back to her original annoying character and so on but worse.

In episode 27, I know why rin wants to protect towa and setsuna because she's there mother but she makes this over dramatic and whiny speech as she wants sesshomaru, who is her husband, to kill her to protect them.

When she confronts kirinmaru, she pathetically tries to fight him, someone with no kind of power at all and no combat training is going to take on a very powerful beast king yokai who can instantly kill her as she is all talk and no action.

When rin finally meets towa and setsuna together closely, instead of hugging them immediately she decides to wait not like moe, ms higurashi, and kagome who did despite the circumstances.

Even after zero tried multiple times to kill towa and setsuna and terrorized them, rin still wants to save zero who ended up committing suicide by riku anyway.

2. Appearance and Age

Despite what the creators of yashahime tried to explain through jaken and tree of ages that rin is 18 and later 32, she is actually 15 and later 29.

The true creator, Rumiko Takahashi, explained databooks and interviews that rin was 7-8 years old but disgsting sessrin shippers want to ignore it and agree with yashahime creators.

The timeline of rin's age in order. In inuyasha, rin was 7-8, in the 3 year time skip of the final episode of the final act she is 11, in since then is 11 and 1/2 but yashahime said that 18 years have passed so 11 plus 18 is 29.

Despite yashahime falsely claiming she is 32, majority of the time makes rin look like she was still 11 and sometimes the exact age as towa and setsuna.

3. Marriage

rin's marriage to sesshomaru is creepy and disgusting as he knew her since she was 7-8 years old. Rumiko Takahashi said in interviews and databooks that sesshomaru and rin have a father-daughter relationship. rin should've been with kohaku because they are close in age and have great interactions with each other. The sick reason for the yashahime creators pairing sesshomaru and rin together was because they wanted sesshomaru to have hanyos and rin is the only female that wasn't taken, has some kind of relationship with him, and is alive. They could've made Kaname Kururugi and Janis canon in yashahime and created a story where one of them returned to the feudal era and been with him or created a human female character for him but instead they choose someone that was like a daughter to him.

In yashahime, sesshomaru and rin's relationship is basically the same in the original except rin's is less rebellious and more obedient. rin still calls him 'lord sesshomaru' and doesn't see herself as his equal or even his wife as seen with her conversations with towa and setsuna, she refers to them as 'sesshomaru's daughters' and not both of theirs. sesshomaru doesn't see rin as his wife as he continues to give commands to her like she's a dog.

Ex. ordering her to stay in the tree of ages, him waking and orders her to follow him, orders her to stay and watch closely of him and kirinmaru fight, and in the last episode he orders her to follow him.

sesshomaru doesn't even take care of the towa and setsuna, especially when they were babies as he doesn't even change their diapers and rin just made excuses for him saying 'changing diapers doesn't suit lord sesshomaru' and dumbed her down.

4. Sudden Change

In the yashahime series, rin worried about towa and setsuna and was even willing to sacrifice her life for them in the last episode with a conversations with them she completely changed.

rin was worried about kohaku and kagura but she had said to towa and setsuna 'since they're hanyos she's sure they'll more hardships and they'll be attacked by strange demons just for being the daughters of lord sesshomaru' while being cheerful and laughing.

While kagome, who is majority of the time an awful character, wife, and mother, who worried about moroha and wanted her out of debt immediately.

#anti hanyo no yashahime #anti yashahime #anti princess half demon #anti kagome #anti rin #anti sesshomaru #anti jaken #anti sessrin #anti sesshomaru x rin #anti kagome higurashi #anti inukag #anti towa higurashi #anti towa #setsuna

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rinrinx2 · 2 years ago

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The other woman

Alone

Nanami x reader (Gojo x reader)

Summary: The other woman may please your husband but you have his heart and what a better way than breaking his all in the name of revenge

Warnings: Angst, Cheating, adultery, mentions of depression, semi-smut, language, Mature themes.

All text in this font indicates Mistress (Y/N) P.O.V as well as when she speaks.

All text in this font indicates Wife (Y/N) P.O.V as well as when she speaks.

The Other Woman Masterlist

“You sure about this?” Gojo asked as he held you hand, looking at you with those cerulean blue eyes that you once feared would hold a lonely void of an empty was now filled with the warmth of something you never knew you craved so badly.

“I’m positive” you replied, slipping the divorce papers back into their envelope.

That Wednesday afternoon you had sent that envelope that held your future, it was also the last time you ever saw that envelope again.

That slightly creased envelope that was labelled to Nanami, that you had sent 5 years ago never returned. You never received any indication if he had received it or not, and as much as it was a relief to not hear back from him as if his reign of torture was finally over, apart of you ached for him to disagree, to come storming back to you asking for one more chance even if you would reject it. Just some sign that maybe deep down inside he cared even a little for you.

But Nanami never came storming to you, banging onto your apartment door, he never called or sent a message and you never bothered to reach out to him either. It was as if a mutual agreement had been made between the two of you, one that the two of you did not need to talk about. That Nanami would leave your life and you would not follow him as you once did.

It hurt in the beginning of course, you were so accustomed to having someone, even if they weren’t an active member in your life, you no longer would refer to him as your husband or your ex-husband he was just Nanami.

But your pain was not left for you to suffer alone through as Gojo was by your side, day and night. Coming over to your apartment with you favourite childhood snacks and cheesy rom-com movies that you would complain about but enjoyed watching, and in those moments with Gojo the pain in your heart didn’t feel that bad anymore.

Your affections for Gojo was always present in your heart, a special place was always kept for him, ever since he offered you that job as his personal assistant; and you could feel as that place in your heart for him began to grow until eventually all your heart was filled with affections towards the white haired man.

It was only natural that when the time arose that you would move in with him, to share one living space. Enjoy each other presence as much as possible, you and Gojo spent as much time together like any two people who were in love would and it didn’t matter that the two of you were unable to put that love on paper. You and Gojo didn’t need to be married in the eyes of the law, to understand how much you cared for another.

Secret ceremonies in secluded parts of Okinawa were to know your love for one another as you would exchange the words of pure love and rings to go along with them.

When Tatsu and Takato found out that they would be moving in with Gojo they were ecstatic. They would get to spend as much time as they wanted with their friends now, being able to just walk into he next room and talk to them all night long if they pleased.

But as much as the boys loved staying with Gojo and being apart of this new family apart of them longed the life they had before this. Tatsu missing when the three of you would sit at the dinner table and eat ramen as an easy dinner back in Aichi. Tatsu understood that this life you were currently living was what he always wanted for his mother, for her to be happy whether it would be happiness found in another or not.

Takato was not to far off from Tatsu’s feelings. Every time he felt those nostalgic feelings of a memory, he would become upset at himself, feeling bad for his selfishness that he clings onto the past, and that a part of him was always secretly hoping that his mother and father would somehow end up together again. He knew what his father had done was unforgivable and that you had every right to not forgive him and move forward with your life, but he would be lying to himself if he said that he didn’t want to have his childhood dream of having his father and mother together again.

“Sometimes I wish Dad never fucked up so that we could have a normal family” Takato whispered to himself barely above a whisper, one Monday morning before school, as he and Tatsu walked side by side on the icy pavement. Tatsu kept his gaze on the ground taking a shaky breath as Takato’s words met his ears.

She patiently waited for Nanami to come back, for him to come looking for her as he did before. That he would tell her to stop acting childish and for her to get in the car so that they would go to the apartment, where they’d have makeup sex, the best kind of sex, where Nanami wasn’t to rough or to gentle. Makeup sex always felt like passionate love making that what she assumed married people must do on their honeymoons, something she hoped she would have with Nanami.

She waited for Nanami, until her patience ran thin and she messaged him over and over again till her fingers hurt and called him till that ringing noise was permanently playing in her ears, going as far as going to his apartment.

“Nanami!” she called out as she knocked on the door like a mad woman. Knocking non-stop till the door came flying open.

Revealing a tall man with black hair and rectangular glasses. His aura much different from Nanami, as he stood in the doorway of what you assumed was still Nanami’s apartment.

“Is Nanami home?” you asked nervously as you twiddled with your fingers.

“Nanami? I’m sorry but no one by that name resides here” the man said as he closed the door before you could ask another question.

Watching as the door came closing in front of your face, the door you remembered making love against on the other side, the door that hid your secret affair with Nanami from his wife was now closing right in front of you. You felt as your throat began to tighten and you knees felt as if they were going to buckle in as the realization washed over you that Nanami had abandoned you, and now you would have to abandon the dream you had that you would be his. That you would become Mrs Nanami, that the two of you would be able to start a life on your own.

Your mind began to race coming up with assumptions on why he had abandoned you, ranging from he had gone back to his wife that maybe he had finally seen her worth and had gone back to the life he had before meeting you.

‘No’ your mind shouted at you.

‘He can’t be back with her, his probably with some other woman’ your mind screamed at you causing the tears you held back to spill as you cried in front of the apartment you once deemed as home.

“He can’t love another woman, he can’t. I’m supposed to be the other woman” you wailed out as you threw yourself to the floor crying like a child that had just lost its favourite toy.

You starred at the booth that Nanami sat in that faithful day when he gave you his number, starring at it hoping that by some miracle Nanami would come in and ask for black coffee. That he’d come back to you.

But it was already five years since you had last seen Nanami, five years since he came to your apartment telling you to come back with him only for you to push him away, still the biggest regret of your life. As your life without Nanami was hard, extremely hard. You had to start acquiring a normal job again, no longer having the luxury of living off Nanami’s wealth.

Your love life was no better as well, as no successful man dared to come near you. You had forgotten how easily men got away with cheating and how women were left with the brunt of it. No man with a decent job would even approach you, as you were labelled as nothing more than a mistress. A woman who men would fill their free time with, even if that wasn’t true and the only man you entertained was Nanami, you had no one to defend you against these claims, so you suffered the consequences of it.

The once young and woman, who had the world at her feet was now a carved-out shell of the woman she once was. He eyes that were once filled with hope were now empty orbs that lived day to day, no longer believing that a miracle would save her. Forever trapped in her own personal hell, the one she created herself by being the other woman.

You forgot how busy Shibuya crossing was in the late afternoon, as people would be coming back from work and attempting to quickly travel back to their homes, but not Gojo as he was in yet another late shift at the office stuck reorganizing the same files over and over again as his secretary had messed them up again for the second week now.

And you just as the week before were currently on your way to help him, as you knew how much he disliked staying late and not being able to spend time with the kids and you.

‘I have to make it to dinner, it’s the most important meal of the day cause I get to hear about everyone’s day’ you recalled Gojo’s words causing a smile to stretch across your face as you continued walking.

So, lost in your thoughts that you weren’t paying attention to where you walking till you straight into another person. Your face clashing with their chest.

“I’m sorry” the other person said as they quickly reached down to grab the papers that fell out of their hands.

“No it’s my fault, I wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking” you replied as you were now also crouching down grabbing at the pages before they had the chance to fly away.

The person who collided with stood their feet stuffing the lose pages into their briefcase while you collected the last of the pages scattered on the ground.

“Here” you said handing the pages to the person, with your gaze still fixed on the ground trying to see if you had missed retrieving any page.

“Thank you” the person said as you looked up coming eye to eye, with man you thought you’d never see again.

Nanami Kento.

Your eyes remain locked onto Nanami’s, as images of the two of you flashed before your mind, images of the two of you cuddle up in bed, with your first child, enjoying your second child birthday, having family lunch and many more imagery played in the fore front of your mind.

“Thank you (Y/N)” Nanami said as he broke the eye contact turning away, while you stood still, your mind still trying to figure what had just occurred and what was supposed to happen next.

But before your mind could give you the answer your mouth was already speaking.

“Nanami” you called out loud enough to get him to turn around, his attention once again on you.

And your mouth quickly regretted not thinking before acting as you had no idea what to do after regaining his attention.

You starred at Nanami, while your mind wracked for something to say anything. Watching as Nanami starred at you, his gaze slightly softening as it looked like he bit down on words.

But before you could think of anything Nanami began to speak.

“(Y/N) are you free now?” Nanami asked hesitantly,` his question taking you aback slightly, as it was not what you expected him to say.

“I – urhm- yeah” you replied sloppily as you decided to take the opportunity as your mind had finally settled and the happy thoughts of you and Nanami were tucked in the back parts of your mind and now the painful memories of how he had treated you 5 years ago crept into the forefront. Taking the opportunity as you would finally be able to ask him why he never sent those divorce papers back.

-------------------------------------------------------

You sat awkwardly across from Nanami at some coffee shop you had hastily walked into, as your mind had finally come down to its full senses.

You starred at Nanami, watching as he starred at the coffee in front of him while you fiddled with a sugar packet. This went on for awhile until finally you heard Nanami say your name for the second time in that hour.

“(Y/N)”

“I just wanted to apologize for everything, everything that I put you and the boys through”

You starred at Nanami watching as he swallowed hard, while he tried keeping eye contact with you as his apology replayed in your head.

“Nanami, some apology on some random Wednesday afternoon 5 years later isn’t going to fix anything or heal anyone’s heart” you said matter-of-factly, stating the honest truth.

“I know but I thought I’d at least give it a shot” Nanami said as he reached for his coffee take a gulp of it.

You looked at Nanami and then at the door the two of you walked into, your mind telling you to leave as it was pointless to sit and speak with a man who had stayed the same throughout these five years, but as you were about to reach for your bag you stopped yourself, allowing yourself to ask that question that always sat in the back of your mind.

“Why didn’t you sign those divorce papers and send them back to me?”

Nanami’s eyes looked down for a moment as if trying to process your question, before looking back up at you.

“I wasn’t ready to get divorced”.

“Are you ready now?” You asked your eyes starting him down waiting for any sign of an answer to appear.

Nanami broke his gaze off of you as he looked down mouth open as you waited patiently for an answer.

“I remember the morning I received that letter, with the divorce papers in. I remember how I felt when I held them in my hands. I felt so anxious it was like apart of me wanted to be a free man and another part desperately clung onto the life I had with you, and then all those emotions I had while I was with you came rushing forward. The day I met you, the day I asked you to marry me, our wedding day, when you told me you were pregnant with Tatsu, when Takato took his first step. Do you remember the week after we met, I came to your house with five bouquets because I wanted to impress you” Nanami said with a sigh of content as he recalled the memory as he looked down at the black coffee.

“Signing those divorce papers would of meant I was erasing that past, so no I’m not ready yet. I’m sorry” Nanami said as he starred back at his reflection in the black coffee.

“That’s very selfish of you, you know” you replied honestly, as you looked at him.

“I know, I’ve realized I’m a selfish man. I wanted you for myself but at the same time I wanted other things as well”.

You sat quietly letting Nanami’s words sink in, a silence washing over the two of you as you tried to comprehend his words, until Nanami began to speak again.

“I did cheat on you, I know you’ve always wanted me to admit this. I know I denied it for so long but I was a coward then, I was ashamed of who I was but not anymore I can be honest about it now. I shared a bed with other women, and I use to blame my fathers affairs for making me that type of man, but I’ve come to realize that others can’t be blamed for my own actions. I slept with those girls because I wanted to be desired by someone younger, to feel like I was still wanted at my age. I’m sorry for that”.

“You don’t need to keep apologizing” you said as you held back tears, as you kept your gaze down.

“I know I don’t but I want to, I’m not apologizing to try and gain sympathy. I don’t want you to live through life thinking that I never felt bad for what I had done, like I never suffered from my actions. Because I can assure you I did, I was in hell for these past five years. I barely slept in the beginning the thoughts of what I had done kept me awake day in and out. I hated myself more than anyone else. I felt like everything beautiful and pure I encounter I destroy, that’s why I never reached out to you or the boys again, whatever happiness the three of you found I didn’t want to ruin it again”.

“I’m honestly a miserable man, I don’t even know why you agreed to see me again”.

“I guess I missed seeing you” you said now looking up at Nanami, feeling as the tears ran down your cheeks.

“As well as to ask that question” you said with a little chuckle trying to lighten the mood, as you wiped your tears away.

“I’m glad to have seen you again” Nanami said as he reached for his briefcase, standing up as he readied himself to leave.

“Nanami” you said as you called out to him just as he did to you earlier on. Nanami looked at you with softened eyes as he patiently waited for you to speak.

“I think you should see the boys, maybe spend some time with them. I know they won’t admit it, but they miss you. I can tell”.

“The boys hate me” Nanami said as it was his turn to awkwardly laugh.

“They do, trust me. Even if all you do is apologize to them, they would appreciate it”.

You knew your sons better than anyone in the world, it wasn’t long for you to realize their slow melancholic attitude. From being once excited to having what you would assume is a completed family, but you were unsure if what they longed for was the life the three of you shared before meeting Gojo or if they wanted was what they thought they would have had in Aichi was Nanami being a father figure.

“If you really changed how you’ve claimed then I think the boys deserve an apology as well, not just me alone” you said as you stood up, giving Nanami one final glance before leaving the coffee shop.

“What took you so long?” Gojo asked with his head peaked up from where he sat hunched over his desk.

“I just ran into an old acquaintance” you replied as you walked over to him placing a soft kiss on his pouty lips, before he looked back down at the page he was reading.

You walked over to the other side of his desk, grabbing at a stack of papers that you would file and organize away, but just as you grabbed the pages you heard Gojo’s voice.

“Was it him?”

You stood still now, hands grazing over the pages as the question settled in your mind.

‘Was it him?’

It was simple question, yet the weight it held over you was intense. You didn’t wan to make Gojo feel as if you’d betray his trust, but lying about seeing would be exactly that ‘betraying his trust’. So, you did what felt right and what you’d hope Gojo would do if he was in a similar situation.

“Yes” you replied simply, grabbing the stack of paper as you made your way to your designated spot on the office floor where’d you had been filing for the past week.

“I think you should take his offer” Gojo said casually as if he wasn’t talking about the man who caused you literal hell.

“What offer?”

“I thought he was going to ask you to lunch, along with the boys”

“He didn’t ask me anything along those lines” you replied trying you best to move past the topic.

“How do you know about this?”

Gojo let out that iconic laugh as he took off his glasses, his gaze going to your figure on the floor that had a curious expression etched onto it.

“Nanami called your phone two weeks ago, trying to get in contact with you, but you weren’t home when he called so I picked up and obviously I first told him to go fuck himself but then I decided to hear him out. I think he wants one more chance, I am obviously against the idea itself of you ever going back to that scumbag. But I want your heart to be fully healed as well as the boys, I know that they’ve been trying to deal with this internal conflict of Nanami, trying to make sense in their mind that if he was a better father you’d be a happy family. So, I want this for you and the boys to heal your hearts so that we can be a happy family, you know”.

You quickly stood up walking back to where Gojo sat at his desk, as you wrapped your arms around his sitting figure. Hugging him tightly. Gojo was one of the most kindest caring man you had ever met.

“But I understand if you decide to go back to him, I mean technically he still is your husband. I mean like by the law his your husband” Gojo said with a slight snicker, but you knew he was being sincere, hiding the hurt of the thought of you going back to Nanami as a joke to spare his feelings.

“You are incredible Satoru Gojo” you said placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

“Yeah I know I’ve been told before … guess I’ll have to go phone that fucker later and say you’ll be seeing him for lunch”.

You sat awkwardly at the table, Tatsu on your right and Takato on your left with Nanami opposite you. Having your whole ‘family’ together was something you were never expecting again in your life. The appetizers sat untouched on the table as your sons starred at each other, when you had informed them about what would be happening there was little resistance, a sign that they wanted to heal from their hurt.

“Why don’t you try the bread” Nanami said as he passed it over to Tatsu, who simply looked down at the breadbasket his father held in front of him before looking off to the side, not acknowledging his father any longer.

There was an awkward silence as Nanami reclined his hand back, placing the breadbasket back on the table. Tatsu head was turned to the side looking down to the floor and Takato starred down at the table hiding an expression you couldn’t decipher.

“Why now?” Takato asked as he snapped his head up now starring Nanami dead in the eyes, your once meek son had grown into a headstrong young man.

“I just wanted to take use for lunch” Nanami replied in that stoic tone that had Takato irritated.

“You wanted to have lunch with us five fucking years later”.

“Why now, why decide to be a father now?” Tatsu asked as his eyes met Nanami’s as well, his eyes held the same dead expression that Nanami once had for his sons.

“I’ve realized that what I have done, neglecting you and Takato as well as your mother was wrong of me and I want to right my wrong doings”

“You think you can just decide to come back and be forgiven” Takato laughed out at his father ridiculous request.

“We know what you put mom through, with the cheating and the lying, making it believe it all’s her fault”

“Treating us like shit so that you could go play housey with some woman to make you feel happy” Takato said with venom, watching as each word wounded Nanami.

“I know I’ve made mistakes in the past but I’ve been bettering myself and I’ll continue to do so, I’m not asking for your forgiveness”

“Then what are you asking for?” Tatsu asked.

“Another chance”.

“How did it go?” Gojo asked watching as you, Tatsu and Takato entered.

“Just know we might not ever be able to eat at that restaurant again” you giggled out as you walked over to Gojo placing a kiss on his cheek.

“Why what happened?” Gojo asked looking over at the boys.

“Tatsu punched Nanami in the face, shit was hilarious you should’ve been there dad” Takato laughed out. Gojo’s heart sped up at the mention of the term of endearment. ‘Dad’ he was Takato and Tatsu’s dad and they saw him as there father, something Gojo had been dreaming of.

“Is your hand okay, Tatsu?” Gojo asked now walking over to Tatsu to examine his hand.

“It fine, Dad. I can handle the hits I hand out” Tatsu said in a cocky tone.

“You’re just like ya old man” Gojo commented at Tatsu’s remark.

“Why don’t you boys go help Itadori and Megumi, theyre busy moving around Itadori’s room furniture”

“That’s like the fifth time this week” Takato said as he walked in the direction of Itadori’s room.

You laughed at your sons comment, watching as the two of them walked to Itadori’s room till they were out of view. Now turning your attention to Gojo.

“So, what now?” Gojo asked looking down at you.

“Now we get married legally” you said flashing him the divorce papers signed as your face shone with a toothy grin.

You hadn’t heard from Nanami again after that, he had removed himself from both your life and your son’s never reappearing again, having to live with the fact that he had ruined the most precious thing in his life. As much as you hated the idea of someone suffering you revelled in the fact that Nanami’s was suffering, that he would have to wake up alone every morning with no wife or kids to keep him company only the lonely thoughts of how he destroyed the one happy thing he had in his life for short lived pleasure.

Nanami was alone.

As for you, you and Gojo could officially be married legally, with you becoming Mrs Gojo. Tatsu and Takato now having a father figure that wanted to be present in their lives, enjoying each other’s company as well as receiving three new siblings as well. Tatsu and Takato were grateful for seeing their father for that one eventful lunch as they were able to find clarity, no longer having thoughts of doubt or melancholy, as they were finally being appreciated by both a mother and a father.

----------------------------------------------------

You watched as Gojo, Tatsu and Itadori attempted to build a crib, reading the instructions for what must have been the fifth time.

“You guys aren’t reading it properly” Gojo said as he grabbed the discarded instructions on the floor reading over them once again.

“You’ve gotta use your intuition about stuff like this” Itadori said as he picked up another piece of wood shoving it into whatever place he thought it had to be.

“See its working”.

“Yeah Itadori’s right, we’re nearly finished again” Tatsu said as he examined the crib.

“Well I guess you boys are right” Gojo said as he stood back now examining their work, but just before they could bathe in the hard work, the crib came undone as planks of wood clutterd to the ground causing you to wince.

“There is no way Mom is going to let the baby lay in that thing” Tsukumi commented as she sat beside you watching as what was suppose to be a crib lay on the floor in shambles.

“The time they figure out how to assemble this crib the baby will already be here” Megumi commented as he stood beside the couch watching as they struggled.

“If its so easy why don’t you do it” Tatsu said.

“Fine I will” Megumi said as he walked over to where the crib was supposed to be standing as he grabbed the instructions from Gojo reading them.

“You idiots you didn’t use any screw or nails to keep the wood in place” Megumi commented.

“We don’t have screwdriver, so we couldn’t use the nails and screws. Takato went to go get one” Itadori said looking at Megumi.

“I got the screw driver” Takato said as you heard the front door open, watching as your son waltzed in with the smallest screw driver imaginable.

“Now how are use going to use that” Tsukumi commented looking at the miniature screwdriver.

“Don’t worry toots, us boys have it under control” Takato said as he handed the screwdriver over to Gojo, causing Tsukumi to roll her eyes.

“Just let me fix this” Tsukumi said as she stood up joining them as they attempted to assemble the crib.

You watched as you children bickered amongst each other causing you to giggle.

“Mom this isn’t a laughing matter” Itadori stated causing everyone to look at you.

“Yeah (Y/N) we need to get this crib ready before Gojo junior comes out” Gojo said seriously.

“Okay my bad, I wont laugh at your efforts” you said trying your best to hide your giggles.

“Thank you, Mom” Megumi said turning his attention to the instructions as everyone congregated around him to read it.

------------------------------------------------------

“I’m so glad we got that crib done today” Gojo said as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Use really put your all into making that crib” you said turning to face Gojo.

“You think she’ll be here soon?” Gojo asked as he placed his hand on your eight-month bump that continued to grow.

“It won’t be too long till she’s with us”.

“I’m glad cause you can barely walk”.

“I can walk, I can do a lot if stuff still Gojo” you said with fake anger in your voice.

“Oh really, so since you can do so much why don’t we try making another one” Gojo said as his hands came to the hem of your panties.

“That’s not how it works Gojo”.

“Well it was worth a shot” Gojo said laughing out as his hands came back around your waist cuddling into you.

You smiled watching as Gojo held onto you tight, causing a smile to form. You had everything you wanted in a marriage, a loving husband and wonderful children. You were finally free from heartache and despair, going from a woman who was constantly plagued with the thoughts of another woman to being a woman who was expecting her third child. These thoughts alone causing a massive smile to stretch across your face.

“I love you ,Satoru”.

“I love you more, (Y/N)”

Alternative ending (Nanami happy ending)

“Dad can you pass on the salt” Takato asked, as you watched Nanami reach for the salt shaker.

“Thanks Dad” Takato said as he took the salt shaker from his father.

You smiled at the sight before you, your husband and two sons sitting at the kitchen table like you had always dreamed of, without the fear or lingering thoughts that another woman plagued your lives. It was only you, your husband and your son’s now. The life that Nanami had promised the three of you at that eventful lunch.

Nanami had kept all his promises, as he remained a dutiful loyal husband and well as a caring and present father. It wasn’t always as he was now, as both you and your sons had to overcome many difficulties to get where use were now; having to trust that your husband would keep his word and you were grateful that you believd in him that he would as you finally lived the life you would dream of in those teary nights.

“Hey Mom, we’re going to go to Megumi’s later” Tatsu said as he took a bite oh his food.

“Yeah, Gojo got him a new game console and we’re going to check it out” Takato added.

You smiled at the mention of Gojo’s name, he was one of the kindest men you had met to allow you to go back to your husband. Even after sharing special moments with Gojo, you knew deep within that your heart still longed to be with Nanami and you were grateful that Gojo cared for you enough to allow you to go back to Nanami without judgment, going as far as still being your friend. Even if you didn’t see Gojo often as you once did you were grateful for everything he had done for both you and Tatsu and Takato and as much as Nanami would not admit it he too was grateful for Gojo as he allowed the stoic man to realize the worth of his wife.

You and Nanami watched as your sons left for the evening, leaving the evening for the two of you to enjoy each other company.

“So, what do you want do, my love?” Nanami asked as he looked at you with smile.

“I don’t know maybe something that doesn’t involve so much clothes” You replied as you walked over to the bedroom dragging Nanami along with you.

“I didn’t know my wife was so naughty”.

You eyes rolled to the back as you felt Nanami thrust into you over and over again, like a pussy drunk man. Feeling as his hips met down with yours while the fat tip of his cock nudged up against the sensitive spongy spot deep within.

“Shit you feel so good” Nanami moaned out as he buried his head into the crook of your neck.

You could feel your orgasm approach, as your walls began to push out against Nanami causing him to only shove his cock deeper inside you.

“Nanami” you moaned as your nails dug deep into his back.

“Cum for me” Nanami said feeling as your walls pulsated around his cock, as he felt the semen in his shaft drip out into your pussy just waiting to shoot into you.

You screamed Nanami’s name over and over again until the burning sensation within came to a stop, feeling as you pussy spasmed around Nanami’s cock as it tried to suck him in further.

“Shit” Nanami said as you walls clamping so tightly down on him became to much, Nanami thrusted one last time before he felt his cum filled balls release inside of you, feeling as hot rope of warm semen shot deep within your pussy.

Nanami took deep breathe trying to calm himself after such an intense orgasm, his eyes looking at you watching as you starred at him with stars in your eyes.

“You, okay?” Nanami asked with his cock still buried inside you. You nodded in agreement causing Nanami to let a sigh of relief out.

Nanami carefully pulled out of you letting out a groaned as he slipped out of your warm walls. He watched as a wave of cum dripped out of you pussy.

“If you don’t fall pregnant after tonight then ill be surprised” Nanami commented as he lied down beside you pushing the damp hair from your face as he placed a soft kiss on your lips.

You looked at Nanami with so much love in your eyes, as you savoured your moment together.

“I’m sorry” Nanami said as he continued to look you in your eyes.

“You don’t need to apologize” you said with a giggle as everyday Nanami would say sorry to you for his past actions.

“I have to till the day I die” Nanami said as he his arms now came around your waist holding you closely to his chest.

“I never want to lose you again (Y/N)” Nanami said as he placed a soft kiss to your forehead.

“You’ll always be my woman”.

Taglist: @05-redacted @missthatgirl @zeniiin @eddie-swhore @watyousayin @denypipa @venicefuckingbitch @cloudsinthecosmos @kinkykuhh

Thank you all so much for the love , support , analysis and memes for the other woman, its truly been amazing to write this. Thank you so much, I hope you enjoy this last chapter and that this satisfies both the gojo and nanami stans.

Special thanks to @vnsomniac for making a playlist for this series ♡

Lots of love RinRin

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letmetellyouaboutmyfeels · 2 years ago

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Hi! I’ve been following you for a while and so have seen a lot of your 911 content and it’s made me pretty interested in watching the show. (I thought Buck/Eddie was canon for the longest time because of your blog and was genuinely disappointed when i realised they weren’t😭)

I’m very aware though that it may be another queerbaiting situation and I don’t know if I have the energy to invest in that D: Do you think there’s any hope for Buck/Eddie? Should I watch the show despite that?

I'm going to be very firm in my answer here: it is not queerbaiting.

Regardless of whether or not the show goes canon, it is not queerbaiting.

When the Rizzoli & Isles marketing team from day one (literally before the pilot even aired) were putting out billboards and advertisements in magazines going "ooh are they just friends or are they partners in more ways than one?" - that was queerbaiting. They did this throughout the entire run of the show.

When the Teen Wolf team had the actors for the popular ship Sterek cuddling on a boat making shipping jokes and telling us to tune in to the new season of Teen Wolf and winking at us - that was queerbaiting.

When the BBC Sherlock writers threw in line after line of third parties stating that John was married to Sherlock, that Sherlock was John's boyfriend, that John was clearly in love with Sherlock, only for them to turn around and literally make fun of viewers for thinking that they were being serious - that was queerbaiting.

When the Supernatural writers made wink wink references to Dean Winchester knowing about/visiting popular gay bars in Miami and suggesting he and Cas run away to the one state that had gay marriage legalized at the time - that was queerbaiting.

The 911 writers haven't done one of those wink wink references since season two. They have not used the Buddie ship in marketing tools and advertisements. They have not had third parties joke that Buck and Eddie are gay for each other.

The fact that the writers are crafting a story where we, the viewers, see the only logical conclusion to the character arcs being Buck and Eddie falling for each other and dating is not queerbaiting. Queerbaiting is a tactic to lure in a queer audience without any intention of following through.

This 'queerbaiting' accusation is especially heinous in regards to 911 because 911 is a show that has five significant queer characters: Hen Wilson and her wife Karen, Athena's ex-husband Michael, Michael's fiancé David, and Maddie's coworker Josh. Michael and David are currently not on the show due to Michael's actor refusing to follow vaccination guidelines, but Hen and Karen just got a huge damn backstory episode showing how they fell in love.

911 loves and respects its queer characters and storylines, so to have the fandom constantly accusing them of queerbaiting because the ship they want to happen hasn't happened (yet), is insulting and disrespectful, in my very, very, very tired opinion.

So, to wit: whether or not they go canon, Buck and Eddie are not queerbaiting. 911 is not queerbaiting us. Full stop.

Now, we do not know for certain that they will be going canon. The show writers are not going to confirm that ahead of time, just like they wouldn't for a het ship like Bones/Booth, Castle/Beckett, or most recently Chenford over on The Rookie. That would be spoiling a big plot moment if that's where they're headed. So asking for confirmation from them is rather unfair. As I've said before and will say again: no, het ships do not get a guarantee and a pre-canon confirmation. If you think they do, then I would've loved to see where you were in the late 90s/early 00s when I was in the trenches.

However, with het ships, writers will play with the audience and tease them a bit more. Because with het ships, if they do that, they won't be queerbaiting if it doesn't happen. Therefore, the 911 writers are going to stay mum. We won't know from the writers if Buddie is going canon until it's shown on screen through a third party love confession or other means.

Although we do not have a confirmation that they're going canon, I have faith that they are. The writing points to it. I don't have time to list all the reasons. If you go into my blog and search '911 spec' or 'meta' you should get some good results. Otherwise if you go to @extasiswings blog and do some searching you'll see a lot of great meta from herself and others. @yramesoruniverse also has great meta. There are others but I'm fried and rushing out the door so can't think of anything specific at the moment.

My point is, people in this fandom have outlined how the writing in this show, to them, points to Buddie going canon, and I agree. Do some light digging and you'll see.

Finally, a ship going canon or not is not why you should ship something. Ship something because you love the dynamic. Geraskier is never going canon but I'm still having a rip-roaring good time with them. But at the end of the day, nonny, it's up to you.

If you want to wait and watch from the sidelines to see if Buddie goes canon before investing, that's totally valid and your choice. I can't decide that for you. I know what it's like to ship something and hope it goes canon only to have it not come to fruition (RIP Garcy, among others), and it sucks, so I get it if you don't want to do that. But it's your choice and yours alone.

I will say that 911 is a fantastic show even without Buddie going canon, and that I adore every single one of the characters, and I don't even like medical dramas. So I think it's a worthwhile show to get into, Buddie or no Buddie.

To summarize: We don't know if they're going canon yet but it's not queerbaiting, the show is good either way and worth a shot, only you can decide if you want to invest in a ship that may or may not go canon.

I hope you have a good day and take care of yourself. Stay safe.

#lincoln answers things #the ability to turn off reblogs is such a gift #I can answer this anon without worrying some asshole will reblog it #and start bullshit wankery #edit: it is now rebloggable because mistmarauder asked nicely and I'm a sucker lmao

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nestastits · 5 months ago

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I like your take in nessian even if there are still things that don’t feel right coming from him in the books. I hate that Nest always has negative connections with her sex life while he had a bunch of positive references. There was even a positive association with an ex. I’m not looking for that in a romance novel about my favorite character. What are your thoughts? Also I’d love to hear your thoughts about the almost romantic thoughts he had for Mor in the beginning of acosf. Part of my thoughts are that he would also think these things for Nesta but she just never let him in to do that. I just still feel disappointed because this is a romance novel and the most romantic things he does for Nesta in reference to Mor is say Nesta’s coochie and sex was the best. Just not very romantic. Can you help?

Hi I’d love to touch down on both of these!

1: I have made a post regarding my thoughts on Nesta’s sex life before so I’ll briefly describe here how I interpret it. We know that Nesta’s mother conditioned Nesta to be ‘the perfect prize” for a man. We know that mama Archeron emotionally abused Nesta and forced ideals on her at a young age. Nesta grew up with this mindset of being the perfect wife to a husband who would likely beat her. But still prided herself in becoming what a man would want because of her misplaced love for her mother. Since the books take place in the time of high society, it is likely mama Archeron and granny taught Nesta that her body and specifically her virginity was of worth, perhaps the only thing of worth that Nesta had to offer someone. Through Nesta’s pov she talks about how unworthy she feels about herself and her body. In acofas we learn that Nesta has begun drinking and having sex as a way to torture herself because of her “unworthiness”. Nesta begins having sex to punish her body for being unworthy and to punish her heart for what she truly wants but won’t let herself have (cassian). She tells him it was her punishment. Through her pov in the beginning of acosf Nesta speaks about how the sex wasn’t always bad and sometimes even good but that she didn’t enjoy it like she thought she should (😔I’m so sorry babygirl). In fact, it’s not until she starts a physical relationship with Cassian that she comments how sex had never been so good and felt so right before. And how she’d never be able to go back to not being with him. I do agree Nesta didn’t have a positive relationship with sex BECAUSE of her mother/granny’s ways always being in her head. But when she started having sex with Cassian, she began finding worth in her body during it. And started not thinking so little of herself. She also started realizing that her body wasn’t the only thing she had to offer. The sex with Cassian helped heal that part of her.

2: Cassian’s treatment of Nesta in acosf makes sense if you take into account what happened between them in acofas (Nesta not speaking to him after the war. Both of them being traumatized. Cassian not wanting to push her but also being in love with her so he’s conflicted. Nesta ultimately pushing him away and him respecting her wishes of not wanting anything from him. Cassian even says that he could not bear to have his heart broke again right after this then throws her present into the Sidra 😭). We as the readers go into acosf knowing that he cares about her but has put up his own wall because of her saying she wants nothing from him. I feel like a lot of the readers expected him to be head over heels for her in acosf but that just wouldn’t make sense considering how they ended things between them in the previous book. And I’m glad that he wasn’t overly soft on her in acosf because Nesta needed tough love. She would not have responded to coddling well💀. I also wanna say that both of them only returned each others energies in every scene they had together. Both of them are also stubborn as hell and are not good at communicating due to their feelings for one another(I love them for this cause same I too am bad at telling someone how I feel when my heart is quite literally in my hands). Cassian is in a delicate situation of loving her and wanting to tell her everything but also knowing that if he had said that right at the start of her healing journey it’s more than likely Nesta would have either pushed him away forever or jumped off the house of wind lols. When they start not being able to fight their feelings and desire for one another to eventually starting a sexual relationship, it is always Nesta who is in complete control and who initiates it. Always. When she gives him a handjob and delievers the most iconic line ever “someone’s quick off the mark” 😭 it’s HER who started it and finishes it. Through his pov we know that he wants more with her, this is why he compares his feelings for her to Tanwyn (a past lover) because his feelings for her is the only thing close to how he truly feels for Nesta. It is perfectly fine for him to understand his feelings for Nesta by comparing them to Tanwyn because she was the only other person he ever had romantic feelings for. (I know I’m gonna get hate for this but sometimes comparing a past relationship to a present relationship is important to understand what you want and need from this one).

3: Cassian is more a man of action rather than words cause he fumbles when it comes to words lmao. (Except moments where he just lays himself bear to Nesta like during the battle scene and the whole “I’m beyond lies right now Nesta” scene and a few other times in acosf) It is important to note that Cassian thinks that Nesta wants nothing from him BECAUSE of her saying that to him in acofas. So when Nesta says she wants sex from him and only sex, he respects this wish even though it hurts him because he just wants to love her openly. And he makes sure that it’s only sex so she doesn’t shove him away. I know people were mad at him for leaving after every one of their joinings but to me it made perrfect sense. He’s just doing what Nesta asked- sex and nothing more than sex. With this being said, of course Cassian is gonna comment on the sex with her cause it’s the only thing Nesta was willing to give him at the beginning. It’s perfectly fine for him to think about how sex with her was the closest thing he’s ever gotten to a religious experience (I feel like people moved on to fast from how Cassian literally sees Nesta as a god 😫 and he’s so real for that cause I too would be on my knees for her) or how it was the best sex he’s ever had, or how her kitty is the most beautiful he’s ever seen, or how he only wants her. These are the only things Nesta has allowed him to think about when she ensured their relationship would be just sex and only sex. However, when they begin getting closer to one another and allowing the feelings for each other to show, he starts doing little things to show he loves her like giving her his own personal war book to read and her devouring it and wanting to talk to him about it. Or telling her how beautiful her hair is when it’s down. Or comforting her and holding her tightly to his chest while she breaks down. Or being proud of her for showing interest in things and letting his emotions for her show in front of other people. Or how about him learning to dance so he could dance WITH her cause he knows it’s something she loves to do. Or him giving the gift of music to her so she could have it always (I will NEVER get over this. As a music lover myself having you’re partner make sure you’ll have it at all times is so wonderful). Or how about when she just tells him how broken she is he tells her fiercely “There’s nothing broken to be fixed” Or when he tells her “I’ve needed you from the moment I first met you. And now that I get to have you. I don’t think I can stop”. Or when he finally decides that they are each others always and says “There will be no one else for either of us. Ever” Or when he’s being commanded by the crown and is ordered to kill he drives the knife into his own heart to keep from hurting her (he would not be able to do this if he was not in love with her. I’m tired of people arguing that he doesn’t love her when he does so many actions and thinks highly of her even at her lowest through out acosf even when she shoves him away entirely). He loves her so much but always does what she asks of him including staying away when all he wants to do is be with her.

4: Regarding his relationship with Mor. They were teenagers when they met and have been friends ever since. If Cassian had feelings of love for Mor he would be with her or would have tried to be with her. but he never has and you know why? Because he doesn’t love her! Not like that. Him and Mor both say them sleeping together ONE TIME was a mistake and that neither of them enjoyed it. Yes he says she’s pretty so does every acotar character INCLUDING Nesta. And you know what? It’s fine for him to say Mor is pretty, he thinks of her as his sister. I call my sister pretty all the time so what. Nesta calls her sisters pretty and no one says anything. Why is it a problem when a man says his sister is pretty? The gifting of underwear in acofas was meant to be taken as a joke between friends and if it was Feyre who gave cassian underwear the fandom would praise it.🙄🙄 also the fandom brushed over the fact that the underwear was Mors idea and she got them he just gave them to her. Cassian didn’t even put any thought into it. And when you compare his gifts to his friends versus the person he’s in love with you’d see how much he cares. He gives his friends swords and dumb shit but gave Nesta, a known book lover, the oldest book in fae history and her own personal music box cause she enjoys music.

5: I want to go ahead and share my thoughts about Mor/az/cass. Please don’t hate me 😔. In wings and embers cassian talks about the mistake of sleeping with Mor. He talks about why he did it. Many people claim both Cassian and Azriel had feelings for Mor when they didn’t! Cassian, who grew up on the streets and hated became friends/brothers with Az and Rhys. They have years of friendship together then all of a sudden this girl just swoops in and “steals” his brothers away? Cassian was upset at this. He has grown accustomed to the attention from his friends and was upset how they had just “forgotten” about him just for some girl. Cassian was not jealous of Azriel for liking mor, he was jealous that mor “stole” Az’s attention. And you can not tell me Mor didn’t know this. She did and that’s why when the whole marriage thing came up and she wanted to ruin herself she went to cassian knowing that he wouldn’t say no to someone in distress but also knowing he would be mad enough at being forgotten to go through with it. She used cassian for her own agenda and it backfired on both of them. When Cassian realized what Azriel felt for Mor he regretted what he did. And I do believe him and Azriel had a conversation about it. To me they are closer to each other than cassian/rhys or az/rhys. They feel like an actual brother relationship to me, I loved their dynamic and friendship in acosf and hope to see more of Az/cass in future books. And this is why Cassian acted as the buffer between Mor and Azriel. But not for Mor, he did it for Azriel so he wouldn’t have to be so upset over mor leading him on but also not wanting him. And yes Mor did lead Azriel on, in acomaf and acowar her looks toward him and the way she acted felt like it. I would be confused if I was az too 😭. Im hoping in future books this is touched down in more and I hope Nesta/how gang saves these precious bat boys from mor’s claws 👏

6: I know that’s it’s likely we’ll never get another Nesta/Cassian pov book 😣. But I’m sure we will get to see their relationship through other characters pov which is something I’m excited about. I want you to know and anyone else who interacts with this post that I am a pro Nesta, pro cassian, and pro nessian person. You can be all three at the same time and it is perfectly fine to be 🥰. You can also see the things in their relationship that they still need to work on while loving them both. I want to say both of them have said/done dumb things DUE to their strong feelings for one another and that’s okay. Because that’s something real life people would do! Which makes me love them more cause of how realistic they are. I’m so tired of perfect people getting together and being the perfect power couple😒. Like no give me traumatized people who learn to love one another while doing things that may hurt each other but coming back because of how much they care for one another and growing together.

Lastly, I hope this post helps you as best as it can;) I know how hard it is to continue to love them with all the antis only shouting about the bad things that apparently only cassian does but brush over the bad things Nesta has done. 🫢

#nessian #acosf #pro nesta archeron #pro cassian

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