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eternitas · 7 months ago

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They never learn

A small one shot about Ava, once again, being challenged to a duel, with his opponent making a particularly bad move.

For the sake of convenience all languages have been reduced to be in english.

"What's going on?"

"Ava got challeged to a duel!"

"Ugh, again?"

The young rain division member looked at his Vincenso rather confused. Was this a common occurance? Noticing the young members look, the older man crossed his arms, seeing the crowd around the windows growing bigger as everyone tried to get a glimpse of the outside where the two opponents would hold their duel.

"Oh, there is constantly someone who comes here, new and with a lot of pride, believing that Ava got his position out of pure nepotism. Everyone who has been here for longer than a few months knows that that is absolute nonsense, but those kinds of people usually have more ego than common sense."

Sergey grinned when he heard the lightning division member explain the situation. These duels might've been a big annoyance to Ava, but to Sergey they became a source of entertainment. There was a certain pleasure he got from watching his collegue utterly obliterate his opponents, humbling them in the process. It was far more than simple Schadenfreude.

"Move."

He looked up when he heard the familiar voice.

"Oh, hey Lorenzo, welcome back, how was the mission?"

"Boring, did someone-"

"Yup. Fernando, one of your storms."

The tall man that had just arrived clicked his tongue in annoyance and crossed his arms, leaning against the frame of the open window.

"Jackass. He probably took the opportunity of me not being around."

Sergey laughed at that.

"Wouldn't be surprised! You're usually the only one in the storm division with enough common sense to stop people like that."

"Well, guess we'll have to see who takes over his work this week. He won't survive this."

Almost on queue a familiar voice started to advertize this rounds betting pool. Sergey looked at Lorenzo.

"Wanna bet?" They never joined the official betting pool, but they liked to still make a bet. Never if Ava would win or lose and rather how long these duels would last.

"500 Euro?"

"Are you crazy? I'm short! 50!"

"100."

"75!"

"Deal."

Sergey sighed.

"Okay, so? You have an advantage, the guy is in your division."

"I wasn't at the evaluation last time, so I don't know anything about him, aside of the fact that he is annoying as all hells." Sergey chuckled at that, eyes wandering back to the two opponents. Fernando was stretching, clearly showing off his muscles as he flexed and swung his big sword that was as 40cm wide and about an adult mans height. Ava was standing completely still and watching. Only ocassionally he moved to stretch and keep his body from going dormant.

"So?" Sergey asked and waited for Lorenzos estimation.

"Mh. Fiiiivv- no wait 7 minutes."

"You think he will pose such an issue?"

"No. Something else." Curious, Sergey looked back at his colleague.

"What?"

"Like I'll give you pointers. So? What you bet against?" He pushed air out of his nose, but then looked back towards the two swordfighters. Ava seemed to keep himself nible for the fight and already studied his opponent while Fernando wanted to boast and attract an even larger crowd.

"Then I'll say 5 minutes!" The two men shook hands, just before Sergey felt a tap to his shoulder and turned his head around to Leonard, a tall blonde guy, who looked especially anxious and signed in italian [I have a bad feeling about this.]

Sergey pat his best friends side.

"Don't worry. These things always end the same." Even if he said it to calm his best friend down, he knew that Leo wasn't particularly worried about Ava.

Slowly Avas patience was running out. How much did this guy want to stall? His eyes wandered up towards the open windows where he spotted Sergey and locked eyes with him. He signed him [Time?] and got signed back [16:48].

This is ridiculous.

"Fernando, could we please get on with this duel, I would like to be done with this before 5 o'clock." Ava heared a few people give a soft "oooh!" as if he had just deeply insulted his opponent, when what he said was 100% genuine. Fernando frowned and almost demonstratingly cracked his bones, moving his head from side to side. How pretentious.

"Yeah, sure. Didn't think you were so gung ho about getting your ass beaten, but sure! Let's give the people a show!"

"I'd rather end this quickly. I have a meeting with Captain Squalo." he said, watching Fernando wrap his hand around his big sword. Ava remained unmoving.

"Don't worry, I'll send your remains to him on time!"

Fernando was definitely quick, despite how heavy the weapon must've been, but it was still a big blade that Ava could sidestep-

Just as Avas foot touched the grass again he strongly pushed down to jump further back. His eyes were focused on the intricate swirls carved into the metal. Even if he had dodged the initial swing, they must've created a strong enough current that would've sucked him back in if he hadn't widened the distance.

"Not bad! You're the first one to dodge it right away! But that doesn't mean you can escape!"

He moved in quickly again, closing their distance and swinging his sword, using quick changes in his grip position to change the swing trajectory. Not bad. But predictable. Ava managed to dodge them all with just enough distance to not be sucked into the created vortex, when suddenly he felt a strong pull, way stronger than before and relaized he wouldn't be able to dodge this one. Instantly he yanked at his swords scabbard, the loop to his belt ripping, before he slightly drew his blade out and blocked the big sword with the steel.

"Ya think I'm that weak?! That the moment someone got behind the trick, I've run out of options?!"

Can't he just shut up and fight?

Repeatedly Fernando pulled Ava back in, forcing him to block with his sword and be pushed around due to the difference in their strength.

Up on the first floor a commotion began as people started to make space and mumbled, some even hushing a name and title. Sergey looked up as the people behind him quickly made space. Before he even saw his Captain the face of a blackhaired young man came into his view, leaning over the edge of the window.

"Isn't that, Ava?!" Yamamoto asked in japanese as he watched his mentors younger brother get pushed around the field. Squalo stood behind him, observant and calm. The rain division was so used to this whole ordeal, that it at most got annoyance from it's members and excitement at best. Nobody explained anything for the first seconds, before Sergey took pity on the confused young man.

"Ava gets regularly challenged to duels, because people think he got his position due to being the captains younger brother."

"But Ava is a great swordsman, he's really strong!"

"Ding ding ding! Exactly! That's why the only people stupid enough to try and fight him are those that need to be severely humbled. It's almost an initiation ritual for the new batch of recruits. Watch one of your colleagues get absolutely destroyed in front of everybody by the tiny shark."

"What's wrong, Ava?! All ya do is just defend! Are you that scared?!" Fernando yelled with another swing at the other, forcing Ava to widen their distance again. However Fernando didn't follow him anymore to pressure him. He seemed to get agitated. Just as planned. His ego demanded more.

"Will you properly draw your sword already and fight back?! I'm gonna look like an asshole, if I beat you without you attacking me too!"

"Shut up and just fight Fernando! We don't have all day!" Someone from the sidelines yelled towards him. It was someone from the Rain Division too.

"Ya really don't have any comrades here, huh? Not surprised, considering you are Squalos baby brother."

This again. Ava took the opportunity to get up properly and check for the snapped loop. Luckily he still had one he could use, but it was unfortunate-

"Honestly, don't even know why everyone's idolizing the guy anyway, he lost to a fucking middleschooler and tried to off himself in absolute shame! Honestly you're both pathetic. I'll go for him next! Then you two can at least reunite in hell!"

Immideatly the entire area grew absolutely silent. It was as if someone had already died. Squalo was the first to break the silence with a deep inhale and exhale, followed by Sergey sighing disappointed.

"Well, there we go."

"So, this will be over in about a minute." added Lorenzo.

Confused Yamamoto looked between the two swordsman and Lorenzo, then back at the fighting field and back at Squalo.

"Wait, what's going on?"

"Fernando just insulted the captain. And Ava is known for that being one of the few things you should NOT say in a fight against him."

Fernando yelled again.

"Go on! I'll even give you one freebie, goldfish!"

"Ooooh- yep, he's dead now." Sergey said once more as Lorenzo pinched the bridge of his nose. He had specifially told the others not to use that on Ava.

Everyone seemed to hold their breath, waiting for Avas next move. Just as Fernando got impatient and wanted to yell again Ava moved, carefully reattaching his scabbard to his side.

"I see. Very well then."

Ava drew his sword, slowly and deliberately.

"No turning back now."

In an instant it was as if the air pressure had trippled, as if all of a sudden a cold gust of wind straight from the peaks of the alps swept over the entire area.

Murder intent.

That slight moment of perplexity was enough to make an opening for Ava. As if he appeared out of thin air Ava was in front of Fernando ready for his swing. He could barely move his big sword into a block, but as the Katana hit at slight an angle a weird vibration seemed to go through Fernandos body. His muscles were suddenly not responding anymore and he abandoned his weapon to jump back to distance. What the hell was that?!

"What's wrong? Running away?"

Up at the window Sergey gave a chuckled "Oooh!". Now it was getting interesting! The surrounding members, especially from the Rain Division had now relaxed and were eagerly watching the fight, cheering Ava on.

Out of a weapon it was now Fernando who was dodging, though to anyone familiar with swordfighting it was clear that Ava wasn't seriously chasing him and more shooing him around a bit, leading him back to his weapon that Fernando picked up with still some trouble. When the blades crossed, Ava striked before the big sword could gain any momentum and overpower him. He always swung at a slight angle that pushed every attack of his opponent back, but-

Sergey frowned.

"Why is he stalling?" he wondered loudly. With a hunch as to what the reason might be Lorenzo looked over to Squalo, who had been watching this entire time without saying a single word. It was as if he was completely turned to stone.

Fernando grew more frustrated with every blow that he tried to land and ultimately got interrupted in. This guy was not just half his weight and size, but also half his fucking age! There was no way that this child could already have such skill and strength! This BABY and the clown with his stupid needle were supposedly stronger than him?!

A grunt of anger left him as he swung again, this time he wasn't blocked, but merely redirected as Ava used his swords blade like a slide to guide the others weapon away. His opponent lost footing as the sword dug itself into the ground and next thing he knew he got a kick to his face that send him staggering back. Cursing under his breath he held his face, blood running out of his nose and a broken lip. This fucking brat! Ava actually moved away from the others sword.

"Pick it up. Or are you scared?"

"You-!" Fernando growled deeply and ran to pick up his sword. Both had clear rage inside of them and were ready for a final confrontation when the loudest voice of all cut through the air.

"VOI! AVA!"

It got instantly quiet again, Sergey pressing his hands against his ears as Squalo pushed Yamamoto aside to be properly visible in the window. Then he stretched his arm out, thumb up, before in the next moment he turned the thumb down like a roman emperor at the colloseum. Once he was sure the order was registered he pulled back from the window and left without another word. Disgruntled Lorenzo sighed.

"Not like we're already short on members."

"Squalo!" Yamamoto called out, ready to follow the captain before his curiosity pulled him back to see what Ava would do now.

Fernando had frozen the moment he heared Squalos voice. A deep part inside of him had wished the Varia captain would've called his brother back, but now he knew he had made a mistake. When they had tried to stop him he should've had listened. And now he had to survive. At least survive! Then he could still get the hell out of this place that bred nothing but monsters!

He leaned against his blade that was still halfway stuck in the ground, trying to get his body to calm down while Ava slowly lowered his stance, every muscle tense and both hands on his blades handle. what followed next was hard to see with the naked eye, but those who realized what Ava was doing could follow his movement.

In an instant he had passed Fernando, stricken once through his blade and his torso. And yet there was not a single sign of anything having happened except for a stain of blood from Fernandos chest. Ava had pierced his heart. His opponent stood there absolutely unmoving.

With a swift swing of his sword Ava rid his blade of any stray blood and then reached for a handkerchief to wipe the metal clean before he sheathed his katana. Yamamoto blinked.

"Well that's done now- Fuck! 11 minutes?!"

"Pay up, bitch."

Sergey grumbled before Takeshi turned to him.

"Wait, what happened? Ava clearly cleanly struck him!" Sergey seemed surprised at that. He had expected Yamamoto to realize what had happened, but then with a serious tone he spoke.

"Then there is only one explanation, right? It was level." Sergey said simply and passed the young man, fishing for his wallet.

"You're impossible!"

"You were the one that wanted to bet. Pay up."

"Yeah yeah, whatever."

Yamamoto noticed movement next to him and only then realized that next to him stood a guy almost 2 meter tall. He looked pale, hand in front of his mouth as if he was about to throw up in horror and disgust, even shaking a tadbit. What was wrong?

"Leo! Let's go buddy. Ya don't have to see that." Sergey said and the tall guy just nodded and turned away from the window, to follow his friend. Yamamoto looked back out the window only for his breath to hitch in his throat.

So that's what Sergey meant when he said "it was level"

Ava had struck the other man completely level to the ground in one clean cut, that it had taken almost a whole minute for the body to fall into two pieces, as did the sword. They had been cleanly cut. Yamamoto swiftly looked away. If he had stared for longer the sight of the spilled organs and the blood- the sight of a corpse would've made him sick.

Yamamoto had known from their one spar that Ava was insanely strong. But this was the first time he had realized something that he prior to that had dismissed, because they were both swordsman and in his eyes sportly rivals.

Ava truly was the sharks brother.

#unseen varia #khr #katekyo hitman reborn #reborn!#yes fucking sue me for using the main tag #khr oc #khr ocs #my writing #it's not the best I have ever written but hey it's late #varia #idk what else to tag #Lorenzo now has to rework everyones shifts to make up for one lost member #Ava also takes his sword maintenance VERY seriously so he always cleans his sword afterwards #one surefire way to piss him off is to insult Squalo #also I love depicting Squalo usually as a p calm and collected guy and just yelling and being erratic when stressed #also yes the rain division loves seeing Ava assert dominance #he and Sergey are actually quite popular as second in commands #I hope people got the few slight references I made #okay imma shut up now #tho please feel free to comment and reblog! i would appreciate it a lot!

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physalian · 5 months ago

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How to make your writing sound less stiff part 2

Part 1

Again, just suggestions that shouldn’t have to compromise your author voice, as I sit here doing my own edits for a WIP.

1. Crutch words

Specifically when you have your narrator taking an action instead of just… writing that action. Examples:

Character wonders/imagines/thinks/realizes

Character sees/smells/feels

Now not all of these need to be cut. There’s a difference between:

Elias stops. He realizes they’re going in the wrong direction.

And

Elias takes far too long to realize that it’s not horribly dark wherever they are

Crutch words are words that don’t add anything to the sentence and the sentence can carry on with the exact same meaning even if you delete it. Thus:

Elias stops. They’re going in the wrong direction.

I need a word in the second example, whether it’s realizes, understands, or notices, unless I rework the entire sentence. The “realization” is implied by the hard cut to the next sentence in the first example.

2. Creating your own “author voice”

Unless the tone of the scene demands otherwise, my writing style is very conversational. I have a lot of sentence fragments to reflect my characters’ scatterbrained thoughts. I let them be sarcastic and sassy within the narration. I leave in instances of “just” (another crutch word) when I think it helps the sentence. Example:

…but it’s just another cave to Elias.

Deleting the “just” wouldn’t hit as hard or read as dismissive and resigned.

I may be writing in 3rd person limited, but I still let the personalities of my characters flavor everything from the syntax to metaphor choices. It’s up to you how you want to write your “voice”.

I’ll let dialogue cut off narration, like:

Not that he wouldn’t. However, “You can’t expect me to believe that.”

Sure it’s ~grammatically incorrect~ but you get more leeway in fiction. This isn’t an essay written in MLA or APA format. It’s okay to break a few rules, they’re more like guidelines anyway.

3. Metaphor, allegory, and simile

There is a time and a place to abandon this and shoot straight because oftentimes you might not realize you’re using these at all. It’s the difference between:

Blinding sunlight reflects off the window sill

And

Sunlight bounces like high-beams off the window sill

It’s up to you and what best fits the scene.

Sometimes there’s more power in not being poetic, just bluntly explicit. Situations like describing a character’s battle wounds (whatever kind of battle they might be from, whether it be war or abuse) don’t need flowery prose and if your manuscript is metaphor-heavy, suddenly dropping them in a serious situation will help with the mood and tonal shift, even if your readers can’t quite pick up on why immediately.

Whatever the case is, pick a metaphor that fits the narrator. If my narrator is comparing a shade of red to something, pick a comparison that makes sense.

Red like the clouds at sunset might make sense for a character that would appreciate sunsets. It’s romantic but not sensual, it’s warm and comforting.

Red like lipstick stains on a wine glass hints at a very different image and tone.

Metaphor can also either water down the impact of something, or make it so much worse so pay attention to what you want your reader to feel when they read it. Are you trying to shield them from the horror or dig it in deep?

4. Paragraph formatting

Nothing sticks out on a page quite like a line of narrative all by itself. Abusing this tactic will lessen its effect so save single sentence paragraphs for lines you want to hammer your audiences with. Lines like romantic revelations, or shocking twists, or characters giving up, giving in. Or just a badass line that deserves a whole paragraph to itself.

I do it all the time just like this.

Your writing style might not feature a bunch of chunky paragraphs to emphasize smaller lines of text (or if you’re writing a fic on A03, the size of the screen makes many paragraphs one line), but if yours does, slapping a zinger between two beefy paragraphs helps with immersion.

5. Polysyndeton and Asyndeton

Not gibberish! These, like single-sentence paragraphs, mix up the usual flow of the narrative that are lists of concepts with or without conjunctions.

Asyndeton: We came. We saw. We conquered. It was cold, grey, lifeless.

Polysyndeton: And the birds are out and the sun is shining and it might rain later but right now I am going to enjoy the blue sky and the puffy white clouds like cotton balls. They stand and they clap and they sing.

Both are for emphasis. Asyndeton tends to be "colder" and more blunt, because the sentence is blunt. Polysyntedon tends to be more exciting, overwhelming.

We came and we saw and we conquered.

The original is rather grim. This version is almost uplifting, like it's celebrating as opposed to taunting, depending on how you look at it.

—

All of these are highly situational, but if you’re stuck, maybe try some out and see what happens.

*italicized quotes are from ENNS, the rest I made up on the spot save for the Veni Vidi Vici.

#writing #writing advice #writing resources #writing a book #writing tips #writing tools #writeblr #for beginners #sentence structure #book formatting #literary devices

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