#just pretend that its good thank you
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guys guys guys look its the character we dont know the name of
that will not stop them from being one of my favorites ever
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#ITS LITERALLY THE GAY PEOPLE EVER GUYS#DO YOU NOT SEE THE VISION#THEYRE A PAINTER GUYS#GUYS PLEASE#GUYS THEYRE A PHOTOGRAPHER#GUYS MUSICIAN X VISUAL ARTIST GUYS#SCREAMING#as you can tell i am super normal about this character#enough so to spend roughly 14 hours on a drawing#we're gonna pretend that the perspective makes any sense and that my linework is not messy#usually i would say where i got the lyrics from for my drawings but thats seemingly not possible here as the song does not exist#because i wrote it#sooo#uh#just pretend that its good thank you#fr though i really really wanna learn this characters name#i cant keep calling them badger it feels wrong#art#drawing#digital art#furry#sfw furry#sfw furry art#web comic#duncan and eddie#my art
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sometimes i think about sullivan and how his n iruma’s relationship progresses and what made him choose iruma. i mean it was probably something to do with delkira that made him pick iruma up but i also think about that comment he makes early on in the series, that the others in the 3 greats have grandkids and he doesnt and how hed love to have a grandkid. and how he sends iruma to babyls partly because thats what a proper caretaker is meant to do. and how at the beginning maybe hes playacting and thinking yes this is the boy i have brought over for unspecified reasons, My Grandson, and i am the Grandfather (yay!) but its only later on that The Grandson becomes Iruma Suzuki first and then Sullivan’s Grandson second. and then i get happy about it
#i think half of this has been cooked up in my head from that one offhand comment and also some common sense (i mean he still has some#affection or makes sure to show it at least but i dont know that its genuine . at least in the beginning. wouldnt it be strange if you love#a stranger immediately?)#(but then again the idea that he loves iruma immediately is also fun because i imagine itd be him projecting his affection for delkira onto#this kid and then later it becomes something real….)#but anyway the point is to say that i like that even if it wasnt real in the beginning he still tries hard to pretend and he does look out#for iruma#like. excellent behviour good sir you get an a* from me#ahh but i really really want a few chapters just to explore why the adoption happened in the first place like WHY DID HE AGREE#this is a question that bugs me forever WHAT IS IT ABOUT IRUMA#is it the same thing that makes him so charismatic ? is it why he radiates main character energy ?#i suppose we’ll get it when we get more information about delkira because i highkey think they are inextricably linked somehow#but ugghhhh can that chapter come sooner please thanks#m!ik#welcome to demon school iruma kun#yellow is blathering yet again#iruma suzuki#sullivan
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NVM I have no motivation to post anymore and I'm sick lol
goodbye
#its fine#its fine. theres nothing for me here anymore#no interaction. no friends. whats the point anymore.#im at the point where i regret this blog. i regret living.#im not good enough for anybody#not good enough for my work to mean anything anymore#no one cares. no one#this blog ruined me. i shouldbe never posted.#thank you to anyone i spoke to on here. thank you for the support.#ivwe fucking tried again and again and it doesnt matter. n oone wants me as a friend and thats fine#sorry i just can't pretend anymore.#I was never enough for anyone on here. never and I wish I had been I wish had friends here I wish I never made this blog in the first place
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Who up grieving the losses and mourning the ghosts?
#its dumb#its stupid#its painful#it just#idk#i miss someone very badly rn#someone who was like another half to me#someone i love and care for and miss so fucking badly i could cry#yeah im tired of pretending I'm not grieving#if ur reading this#i do miss u#and i want everything good for u#and you meant the fucking world to me#and I'll always love you and could never thank you enough for so many wonderful years#i probably wont reach out properly bc im a coward#and u know I've never been good at confrontation#and i imagine ur probably mad at me#(tbh i kinda dont blame u)#but so much good has happened over the last year#and every time#i wanted to turn to you and celebrate with you first#but i know u#better than myself#and i know you've probably moved on#and don't want me in your life anymore#i get it#but just know#I'll never regret a minute#ill always miss you#and nothing could ever make me love you less
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serious advice: i think you SHOULD cry in front of your Mom actually. from what you say, how much she cares about her dead husband, she is very empathic and she probably wouldn't just let you suffer. her empathy rn is perhaps misdirected (let the dead bury theor dead), you SHOULD show her her living breathing daugther needs her empathy and concern more. try this. it probably won't get worse
thank you anon but i cant cry in front of her. that will only make her feel guilty. she has enough problems and if i suck this bad at being her emotional support then the least i can do is not make this about ✨me✨
#like i KNOW i am in the wrong here. she has the full right to grieve and feel horrible and talk about it#its 100% my problem that i cant deal with it because of ✨many reasons✨ and i know i should be doing more and be supportive and all#and since i am like physically incapable of doing that then my job is to *at least* just shut up and bear it 🙃#thats why im bitching on tumblr 🥰 i dont have to pretend im a good person here lol#im not gonna pull a uno reverse card at her#but thank you <3#anon#ask
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last night i watched the substance and then talked about it with my best friend who i met in film school and his literal reaction to the movie was "WHY would anyone make this type of movie, what even COMPELS A PERSON to make something so horrific and gruesome and awful to look at. i dont think movies like this should exist" and i literally had to be like idk man i think it depends 😭 also fwiw i thought the movie was awesome lmfao
#personal#like i love him to death but he was really saying some puritanical bullshit that i could not agree with on any level and i did not shy away#from telling him that LOL and he was like well i guess youre right and thank you for listening to me be wrong but thats how i feel.#which is FINE.... its FINE for you to be this outraged at a movie in fact i would say its good but then you have to take it a step further#and examine WHY you feel this way.... instead of just writing off rhe movie entirely and saying its bad for society WHICH IS SOMETHING HE#DID SAY ABOUT IT LOL!!!#anyways. loved the substance want to pretend thats what im doing when i start T
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every time i so much as think about that scene where light looks at porn magazines while scowling i go into hysterics its genuinely the funniest thing i've ever seen
#the funniest thing is is that i truly believe he thought he was being 100% convincing. that that's normal behavior for a completely straight#completely allosexual man#light is fucking awful and i hate him but also there's nuance to him. and sometimes i can get a little like. oh thinking about his life#before the series. specifically factoring in my headcanons about him being gay aroace and autistic and stuff. ppl have written some rlly#good fics surrounding those topics.... but yeah thats not even canon stuff but i dont care#anyways its not in a way of making excuses for how he is i just think it adds more to his character#hes total garbage but i think theres really interesting stuff with him when it comes to how he's.... VERY disconnected from others#just in general. he's like aware of how to act ''normal'' on like the most textbook surface level without being like. Aware enough to#be able to make it more convincing. and as ridiculous as it is i do see some of myself in him in that sense#also that person who said light and L is just autistic guy who's been masking his entire life vs autistic guy who's never masked in his#entire life. LITERALLY EXACTLY. genuinely perfect way to describe them they are both so similar when it comes to this#but the ways they go about it are very different. light has been playing the part of the perfect son his whole life. L doesnt try to change#himself for anyone and doesnt care when people think hes weird. both of them arent very socially aware and havent had any real friends#their whole lives. its such a fascinating parallel between them#i could go on a whole fucking thing about how light was pretending to be someone he's not around his family and at school and everything#long before he got the death note BUT. i wont. at least not right now#jesus christ how did i go from laughing about him with the magazine to this. my bad#derailed my own damn post. idk swagever#will say rq tho. watched a vid on youtube that pointed out how light expected his family to think nothing of the fact that he's gone to#such drastic measures to hide his diary when making the plan with hiding the death note which is like#that level of dedication would NOT be normal. so the fact that light expects his family to think nothing of it......#i mean you could read that as light just once again being socially unaware. but it could also imply that light's family kind of Knows#he's hiding something and just doesn't address it. (he's gay. im talking about him being gay)#the video also referenced this comic that i didnt rb cause the actual premise of it (lawlight wedding) is um.#not at all my kind of thing. BUT it was light describing himself as a house with a basement when his family sees him as a one story house#and i thought that was such a cool analogy#ANYWAYYYSSSS i need to go to bed. thanks if you read my ramblings#serena.txt#death note posting#infizero.analysis
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Tumblr! You did something right!
ALL BILDAD ALL THE TIME
#I have no idea what the last one is... Swedish?#but this is funny as hell#i am absolutely cracking up over this#its like the tumblr algorithm just threw it's hands up and went#Bildad??? I'll give you BILDAD!!!!#Thank you all for posting these#bildad the shuhite#every day is bildad day#good omens shitpost#good omens crack#maybe i should stop pretending to be normal about this bwahahah
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dear google what is the most professional way to request time off for intrusive ideations of not wanting to work anymore
#really dont want to EXIST anymore but yknow apparently that has more consequences#i keep being told that the way i feel isnt permanent and boy howdy do people just mean its possible for it to feel worse !#which is impressive.#i have worked to try and prove myself at this company hand over fist and it doesn't. matter. im still stuck.#and it doesn't! matter! no one cares#no one cares that i have burnt myself out trying to show them im worth their time.#and i cant just leave because i have bills and there's no comparable jobs#i thought it would be somewhere that would see me and my value and it has been the opposite of my experience multiple times over.#i feel kicked and spit on and everyone thinks i should be good with a “thank you though!” like are you kidding me?#you gave a 10k promotion to the other person which could change my life but you want me to be content with being a close second?#im doing twice the projects they're doing but im a close second ????? wgauqgwuavwhwvajwvwjwbjagwuahs#i just. i want to scream and i want to break things and i want to stop thinking about it when im off work and i cant!! i cant!!!#i have to wake up every morning and keep going and pretending like i can handle this#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Literally the only reason I finish drawings sometimes is because a couple times in the past when I'd posted drawings I hated you'd say something like "WOAAA THIS IS AWESOME WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS IS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE" so yeah thanks buddy love you
"ahh im not so sure about this drawing i dunno if i wanna post it or not"
*fishes something out of their pocket*
"peter what do i do?"
"OMG YOU SHOULD TOTALLY POST IT IT LOOKS AWESOMEEEE"
#asks#headphonemouse#❤️❤️IM GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THE LIL PETER IN YOUR HEAD#i was kinda in a low mood when i got this ask and it made me feel so much better ghfjgjg thanks#i dont even know whats up with me. its not like im pretending i literally just always love your drawings#even when its of something i know nothing about gfjgk#i was thinking maybe its just bc we're friends? but i really loved your drawings even before we started talking a lot. but also the#first drawing of yours that i saw was literally a gift for me so i think you like preprogrammed my brain to always love your art GDHDHFJ#also your impression of me is so good i felt like i heard my own voice when i read that but not like its hard to do an impression of me😂#it might seem like im blabbing a lot but it wouldve been even worse if i answered this earlier when i first saw it GDHDHDJFN#i was like this🥹🥹🥹#and i love you too🥹👍
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Does Jiro has ghost like abilities (possession, ability to levitate things, etc etc) or does she just live in Shiro's head?
when i created this au, i thought the best option would be for her to be unable to interact with the physical world in any way(including possesion), beacuse i really wanted to lean into her isolation and how it affects her....... and while thats something i still want to emphasise here, lately ive been toying with the idea of jiro being able to impact the physical world somehow(though it still being fairly limited). i think letting her have some control could have a lot of potential! buuuut i also have no idea what abilities i want her to have lol
For now i think im not gonna give her any telekinetic abilities, bc i feel like it would be giving her too much power......... if she could throw shit, shed go APESHIT with it. it would made things too easy for her. i'm sorry babygirl but i'm NOT giving you the possibilty to throw knives and other sharp objects, i dont trust you to not kill someone:/
i really like the idea of her being able to temporarily posses her old body in certain circumstances tho- maybe when shiros uncouncious?? or like when hes is very tired or heavily injured she can kind of 'squeeze through' and take control back for a few minutes???? idk. i think this could be a very cool ability to give her- it cant be frequently used but can also be very helpful, and also theres so much potential for ✨shenanigans✨here>:) oh god i could put these fuckers in so many Situations with this..........
uhhh. so basically i think all of her influence on the physical world are through shiro. shes here bc of her connection to her old body, and thus its the only way for her to interact with anyone besides him- and shes NOT HAPPY about this(neither is shiro).
#ask#thank you for this ask!! it made me think more in depth about jiros abilities and come up with this so thanks<33333#if you have any ideas pls share them with me cause im still not really 100% set on everything lol#also im making a new tag for this au ->#two disasters au#bc. theres two of them.. and theyre both Mentally Unwell#also im gonna use this ask as an excuse to ramble about jiros motivation and character a bit-#okay. so i feel like the most importrant things about jiro are her tunnel vision and self-rightiousness#she gets really focused on one thing at a time and then fixates on it so much that she doesnt see how her behavior affects others#so when she gets evicted from her own body her first reaction isnt 'oh god this is such a messed up and dehumanizing thing to do to your#friend. what the FUCK guys'#its instead 'oh COME ON how am i supposed to be the black paladin without a physical body??? what the FUCK guys'#and bc deep down she KNOWS that if she ever stopped and thought about her situation for like 5 seconds shed just fuckin BREAK. so. she#doesnt do that.#and bc her self worth hinges on being the black paladin#she is really protective of tha title and tries her hardest to make sure shiro knows just how much better at paladin-ing she is than him#and that he wouldnt be able to keep the role without her help#she doesnt have any sense of personhood besides her job and so she clings to it desperately#the same applies to her gender#when jiro gets a new body(did i mention that???? i feel like i forgot to mention that. whoopsie???) he#(sometimes im gonna use he/him for jiro for when im showing things from a certain characters perspective cause thats what pronouns#she was using at the time)(if thats not okay i can stop tho) was trying very hard to pretend that hes just Shiro No. 2 and nothing more#to kinda 'make things easier for everyone' and bc he could FEEL the gender crisis approaching and was just. dead set on ignoring it and#hoping those feelings would go away(spoiler- they very much didnt. it just made things so so much Worse)#so anyway. basically jiro is a person obsesed with being Good Enough and respected but also lacks the experience patience and foresight#wnich results in her ignoring everyone and everything else to focus on doing her job Correctly#does this makes sense?? im still figuring shit out with her but thats what ive got rn
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That’s just how they flirt.
yeah your ship may have kissed but did they try to kill each other?
#and then someone managed to kill the immortal man and it Wasn't Victor#jokes aside I think Sydney killing him and saving Victor was a good resolution not pretending i don't#i just think its really funny that his entire motivation was to murder an immortal man and he wasnt even the one to do it#victor vale#eli ever#eli cardale#vicious ve schwab#vengeful ve schwab#villains series#i also like how it went full circle when Eli actually killed Victor#like#victor gets thrown in prison bc of eli and is haunted by him#and eli is thrown in prison bc he killed victor and is haunted by him even when he realizes he isnt dead anymore#the hallucination just sticks around#ive gotten off topic#no ones reading these lmao what am I doing#if you see these hi#how are you#I’m great#thanks for asking#thanks for asking <3
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being alive at the time i gleaned some general elements abt encanto but never actually heard we don't talk about bruno beyond awareness it existed popping off & i think i heard like the title recited off key off rhythm but in a way that indicates speak singing nonetheless lol so upon experiencing it it's like oh but it's the Verses? while the last refrain goes harder but prior to that it's comparatively underwhelming to said verses which feels appropriate like verses / pieces of a larger picture & that a "we don't talk about him" as a disappointing Lid on infinitely richer more characterful & dynamic "but: talking about him" instances. like well personally it'd be like um seven foot frame....anyway besides being able to firsthand go like oh damn Real (the kind of thing you know exists if alive at the time) it's like alright hang on lol. one thing when a core theme is yeah like "is it a refuge if 'especial' vulnerability ultimately gets pushed out rather than made safer" subset like the parties whose even observation of truths (problems) & drawing attention to them is seen as Ruining Things, like if you're painted as Making futures that aren't simply what's desired or reassuring rather than a guidance via just observing & sharing the truth. but then it's like whaddaya mean living in fear of bruno stuttering and stumbling you could always hear him sort of muttering and mumbling lmao like now that's just Association between the Truth Perceiving & Telling behavior & behavior that's just apparently distinctive of the same person. & like Not Accidentally when [what if people were magic] specifics are obviously primarily abt a metaphorical meaning & like, indeed it was made clear like oh this situation isn't Just b/c [boo we hate your prophecies] & that [an Ability that isn't directed towards what anyone Wants / is "weird" even by these magic standards] isn't Coincidentally given to someone who just so happens to already be "weird" in other ways & be set up to have a different perspective & be pushed away due to having the supposed "extra" vulnerability of unmet needs / insufficient support, same as someone who doesn't "correctly" have any kind of magic ability....like yeah banger and also like Oh Yeah Kind Of Devastating re: that metaphorical resonance allowing for like [set the metaphor aside] now hang on with this about this disabled family member lol. misinterpretation to The Ruinerrr / The Problemmm / The Maliciousss etc (i.e. the scapegoatinggg) despite their efforts likely entirely to the contrary. then despite like, efforts aside, Just Existing, always kind of muttering & mumbling like & what of it. & then like oh sorry weird pets. weird [auspicious for adaptable tenacious thriving surviving; either way simply creatures, existing] pets.
truly like As Is The Idea I'm Sure quickly becomes like hands behind back standing at the window Uh Oh Sisters musing on all the [disabled person] metaphorical & already literal elements there. blair witching it in contemplation like We've All Been There whether being so resented for the mere disruption of "existing in a group as the 'abnormal' odd one out" or like people talking shit abt anything associated w/you as soon as you've left the room, which is also made relevant like, this wasn't Only directed at this person when seemingly permanently gone, nor were they unaware / unaffected prior....pacing in the Musing parlor like things don't Have to be compared to billions but i only ever even see so many things & it's like billions sure is like "get scapegoated rword" & then said scapegoating is presented as only beneficial & we hate autists & even beyond that it's like, grabbing billions, Imagine If Things Meant To Be About Something Were About Something. quite a contrast when they are & furthermore like, deliberate thought & Care for [who gets scapegoated & why] & the truth of like, people getting pushed aside & out who have a key perspective & are primed / liable to come through for others similarly vulnerable & the supposedly Ruinous, Problems Generating disruptiveness is actually the strongest effort to make essential changes to a group. & come through with like, it'd be undermining thee point if it was "reassuring" us like oh haha people will be supportive b/c bruno will be more normal, so great that it Didn't like no, no Normality Reassurance(tm), presence of abnormalities(tm), Good, & everyone Can Deal b/c if you don't then it's pushing this person away, is exactly what happens, including even if they're still Around but are being mistreated b/c that is entirely part of that pushing away like anyone's victim blaming is ready to pounce at any time but if someone can't stand to stay / leaves b/c they can't see another option like that's not out of nowhere nor Regardless of what full support & flexibility they were getting lol. these Active Measures everyone loves so much, which are everywhere always & would include Staying & Trying To Make It Work & those efforts would be "disruptive" & resented & Bringing It On Oneself & etccc smh
that is to all say like. Woww when clearly basically the core thread was these beats of like, the crucial site of [thee scapegoated], & why that comes down on someone & how that plays out. endless ideas about how someone weird(tm) & disabled (&/or queer. but there's no Or here lol. & again like it's a Context like, to even be the one person without kids? likely not living up to "full" correct sexuality in that way alone; any oppression's logics of "inferiority" being logics of ableism, ready examples being that "inferior" race, gender, sexuality (& their experiences as people classed as inferior) all being pathologized as disordered) are seen & treated as someone Ruining Things & who cannot belong like whew. bracing. winding. which, i also recall like i was watching with headphones & during this one dialogue pause i was like "?? what's this Extra Sound i heard there" & had to go over it like twice before being hit upside the head like well it Was still the dialogue pause but it was also bruno Stuttering in a very quiet whisper for the duration of that pause before continuing like iiiiiiii x_x
#[sitting waiting right here] for billions to have its vulnerable weird scapegoated misfit outcasts actually band together lmao....#like Sure Doesn't b/c billions is like we all hate weirdos & we all love telling them to shut tf up & go away to die or w/e. correctly#can't believe ultimately the Different fund disappears w/o its scapegoat & the Correct ''weird'' char is full axe cap mode finally#& it's sure not a Comment when billions affectionately gives them their free heavenly reward & Ensure zero scapegoating consequences#the [imagine if something about something was about something] approach to Banished Relatives being thoughtful & loving like#& here you see how even As they're banished everything isn't Really fixed for it incl. that people aren't Really just happy he's gone#billions is like no we killed him And everyone has gladly & legitimately forgotten he exists (save the instant it's time to use him)#the hilarious(tm) tragedies surrounding rian like billions' can't make her ''care'' abt winston be anything save more violence#can't pretend rian was anything more than [again we all Know your nads like w/taylor like w/winston] bagina + dialogue source combo in s6#when it's still dimly relevant for prince in s7 but you miss Nothing re: rian if you have no idea that plotline exists#& speaking of actual ''weirdness'' rian was never allowed to have: the tragedy of the tension of Closeted Transness present on screen fr#just as billions has no idea / further willingness to let rian be so ''weird'' as to actually care abt winston or abt not being a bully Lol#meanwhile i figured like oh i'll like a scapegoat. did know ahead of time like bruno's just some guy; not even ''redeemable'' antagonist#but In Practice & w/all that beloved Disabledness & crucial appreciation like you Need this guy; the understanding is Key#like well ofc i would kill for him. ofc just constant like mhm go off king slay fire etc. god tier character cherished forever thanks#but then also like im sure a zillion [intention; inspiration; thoughts] going into Tfw Family Things characters; a zillion interpretions &#thoughts to follow like it truly is Arresting like this clarity on A Disabled Person In The Group like. much much to consider & whew.#reference point like when autistic ppl in some job see an obvious [problem to future mess] pipeline; so you know bruno madrigal. My Vision#When You're So Hated like hey i wanna live unseen w/my so hated little friends lol. just reread how to disappear completely never be found#when it's like grabbing people Who Cares if someone's being ''obviously'' disabled or weird just as how they are existing godddd#people get so mean like Who Cares just talk to them; be around them. some effort some mind your own business some You're Not Above Them#when it's obviously You like yeah. nonzero but limited applicability like [specifically my own nuclear family] but re: Weird; Disabled#as ever i'll Relate & be like but i probably seem nothing like that. or maybe i am very much like that. kind of difficult to tell b/c like#you Do get the disinterest lol & feedback is Not that familiar / in depth even if positive like well. the emergent So Hated / Scapegoating#noting like if a character just seems refreshingly familiar; Understood; comfortable; fun; what's the odds they're cishet allistic lol....#anyway the epiphany like oh it was figurative blink & you miss it stuttering....did [waiiit] Pace that one off like inhaaale Waugh#in fact i'm sure the Verbalizing Effort has staved off the kind of [thinks about all of it a moment] to go Aauughhh about again#which; again; also something happening 5 yrs in re: the clairvoyant soothsayer autistic neuroqueer quant on the show w/No Thoughts abt it#ppl being invalidated by others having to validate themselves (& others in the same boat); billions going & How We Hate Them For It lol#oh & encanto's [excluded party's effort to partake] tragedy vs billions' [where's winston in this office? this event?] good riddance idc
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i think I figured out what kind of ppl I dont like- it's ppl who treat life like a constant low-stakes comedy tv show where everyone forgets what happened yesterday unless its convenient to the plot
#hi can i talk to you about something serious without you trying to talk about memes or find a way to make it funny for at least#10 minutes please and thank you?#hi i'm trying to open up about some serious trauma over here and get some support and you keep trying to distract from that which I like#really need to heal actually you might not believe it#i get that your jokes are very funny and good but can we just for like. a second. yknow.#we can get back to it later but-- yknow?#i dont like pretending like everything is fine and funny all the time with you 😬 this is the only way i can smile now and as you can see#its more of a distressed pain than a smile anymore#save me from this hell by recognizing ANY other emotion for a minute PLEASE. IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE
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Got tagged again by @whimsipunk and i am literally always excited to share music so i will gladly do this again asdfghjk (thank u so much for tagging me my friend!!!!)
Share 5 Songs You've Been Listening To Lately
I did what I did last time and skimmed through my top songs for the month and picked a few!
lochness by julie
No Rest by Dry The River (i stopped making this list to listen to this one because i forgot how much i loved it until the past couple of days missing u zelgan hours)
Cowboy Dan by Modest Mouse (this one is actually not in my top songs for the month but i cannot stop thinking about it)
Venus as a Boy by Bjork
Creatures in Heaven by Glass Animals in honor of the amount of times I listened to it today (i'm inconsolable over how much it reminds me of sasha and august i literally cannot put it to words)
I'm not tagging anyone this time but please feel free to do this anyway because I want to see music!!
#cowboy dan is like...The modest mouse song to me like im not going to pretend i know all their songs#but like oh my god what they tapped into with cowboy dan like#what it's expressing??? what its getting across??? like it just....look cowboy dan is doing something it is doing something well its insane#i can't exactly put it into words concisely asdfghj but just god cowboy dan is a good song oh my fuck#and the way the last time the chorus comes around and it just HITS in such a different way like the horror and the dread of what cowboy dan#about to do or what we feel he is about to do its just oh my god oh my god oh my /god/#'fab have you been holding in this cowboy dan thing for a wh-' yEAH I HAVE ACTUALLY THANKS FOR ASKING#anywho venus as a boy keeps coming on at work like at least once a day asdfghjk#bjork haunting me in the retail store#also i cannot tell you all enough how creatures in heaven is making me so incredibly unwell
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Buttermilk
It doesn't take long to settle into the rhythm of your new summer job. Or: the babysitter x single dad au
Part 4 | masterlist
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There’s nothing else to do but pretend it didn’t happen.
In the morning, you’re surprised to wake up and find him in the bed next to you, still covered in old sweat and dried cum. You suppose even in your sleep you’d unconsciously expected him to avoid the incident altogether—wake up extra early to shower while leaving you alone in the bed, giving you a modicum of privacy to digest the situation and its repercussions on your own.
He does no such thing.
“Morning, sweetheart,” John rumbles, stroking your cheek with his thumb. “Feeling alright?”
Dangling precariously over the edge of oblivion. Some kind of abyss. The kind that says you might not like what’s down here, girlie, but still you sit by the edge and kick your feet.
“Yeah,” you croak, and Lord, your voice is hoarse. Scratchy and rough, like it’s been dragged over sandpaper.
“Good.” He lets his hand rest on the curve of your cheek for a second before pulling it away. “Why don’t you get cleaned up? I’ll shower after.”
The bed groans under his weight when he sits up, throwing his legs over the side before rising to his feet. You quickly avert your eyes at the sight of his naked backside, hairy there as well. A bear all over. Even his yawn reminds you of one. And the way that he stretches his arms overhead and every bone in his upper body cricks and cracks, the sounds of age manifold.
You scrub yourself with shaky hands in the shower, gnawing at your bottom lip when you spread your puffy folds to find his cum still slightly tacky inside of you. Very bad. Scooping as much out as you can with your fingers, watching it run down the drain. Very bad indeed.
John has breakfast on the table when you come downstairs and it seems, somehow, uncouth to just tell him you want to go home. So instead you force yourself to sit and eat, glad that he at least agrees that it isn’t the time for conversation.
At the door, he sees you off with a hug, watching you from the door until you reverse out of his driveway and drive off, waving as you leave.
“This is really bad,” you whisper to yourself on the drive home. “Really, really bad.”
Despite the morning after, the night you spent together is never explicitly spoken about. It’s not a ‘thing’ you discuss by any means. No sit down conversation, no awkward allusions to it, no talking around and around the events until the exchange becomes unbearable. It simply blips out of existence as soon as you change into your old clothes and John walks you to the door, seeing you out.
You still show up the next day, as usual. Nothing’s changed except everything, but it feels taboo to even mention that things feel different.
The world hasn’t radically changed since you accidentally slept with John, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. In the few delicate hours after leaving his house, you were sure he’d call at any moment to tell you that your services would no longer be required—that he’d send your last check in the mail before parting ways. So sure of that, in fact, that you’d put your phone on silent for hours before mustering up the courage to check your missed calls later that evening.
Only a few texts from friends. No missed calls from your employer.
He doesn’t fire you. He certainly doesn’t treat you any differently the next time you come to babysit. You still get paid every week—though, admittedly, the money makes you feel a little weird now after sleeping with him, but it’s not like you can just turn your nose up at making rent—and everything else in your life stays exactly the same. If you weren’t now acutely aware of the feeling of your boss coming inside you, you might even think you dreamt it up.
Still, despite John never bringing it up or even alluding to sleeping with you, there’s still a sense that he—
The soft, affectionate thanks, hun that he gives you when you bring him a glass of water on the rare day he comes home early to work out in the garage makes you shiver.
His need to touch increases tenfold, matched only by his proprietariness. He must feel like after what you did together, it’s nothing for him to squeeze your thighs when he tells you that you did a good job with the baby or hug you extra tight when you’re about to leave.
If you’re extra shy around him, he doesn’t remark on it.
You’re levelheaded enough to know that he shouldn’t be so touchy with his younger female employee—his babysitter no less—especially after what happened, but it’s not as though he treats you like sleeping with you is a given. When a week goes by and nothing happens, you almost relax. Almost. Enough to let your guard down.
But—
You can’t stop thinking about it though. It runs through your head every hour of every day, made worse by the fact that you see him six days a week, Sundays excluded. Sundays being your one day off, which you no longer look forward to but rather dread because Sundays mean no baby, no park, and no John Price.
So, you follow his lead and pretend like it didn’t happen.
You think it’s past you; a terrible mistake that’ll never happen again until it happens again.
Eight o’clock at night and the blue light from the television has begun to strain your eyes. Baby sleeping upstairs—you put him down a few hours earlier without much of a peep; had to check on him a few times, but otherwise the baby monitor sitting on the end table hasn’t so much as crackled, leaving you no choice but to doze off on the couch.
When the door opens, it startles you awake.
“Mr. Price?” you ask, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and clearing your throat.
John’s there when you twist around to peek over the back of the couch, filling out the door frame. Dishevelled after a long day’s work, his beard even more grown out than when he left earlier in the morning. A bit rougher around the edges, the day leaving its mark in the slight dark circles under his eyes and the set of his jaw, which only relaxes when he lays eyes on you.
“Just me, sweetheart.”
“Sorry, I…the baby’s been asleep for awhile, so I just thought I’d—”
“It’s fine, don’t worry. I know you’ve got it under control.”
“Let me just get my stuff and I’ll be out of your hair—”
He cuts you off with a wave, toeing his boots off at the same time. “No, no, no—you stay there and finish your movie. I’m gonna grab a drink and join you.”
There’s not much more you can say to that. Instead, you watch him take his bag upstairs to put away in the bedroom before you hear the sink turn on. Running water.
You carefully avoid looking at him when John comes back downstairs, the creaking steps signalling his descent. He heads to the kitchen without stopping by the living room first. The light switches on with a click. The fridge door opens and bottles clinking together when he roots around for something to drink.
And then you hear him make his way back to the living room.
The unspoken pact to not bring up what happened the last time you spent any alone time together imbues you with a false sense of security. Part of you expects him to take the single recliner next to the couch, if only to put some distance between the two of you.
Except when he comes back into the living room, he plops right down in the middle of the couch like always, close enough to you that you’re forced to scoot away, pressed up against the arm of the sofa. You shiver when he cracks open his beer and takes a swig, resting his arm on the back of the couch with the can held in a loose grip.
“What’re we watching?” he asks, blatantly adjusting himself to get more comfortable on the couch. Even soft, the outline of his cock is visible through his trousers.
You stare over at him nervously, unblinking.
“Sweetheart?” John prompts when you don’t answer.
“Oh, um…” You clear your throat again. “It’s just a Hallmark movie.”
“Cute. Well, we can keep it on. No sense changing it now.”
It’s tense for a little while. You keep your hands folded in your lap like a good girl and your eyes on the television. So you can’t stop inhaling the heady scent of tobacco and vanilla. So you can’t stop blinking your eyes, each blink heavier than the last until they spend more time shut than open. So you yawn and burrow deeper into the cushions, your head tipping back and nearly jarring you awake when you lean too far and topple over the side.
When you lean the other way and start to doze off on his shoulder, he pulls you onto his lap. You squirm, initially resistant, but he shushes you before you can put up a fuss.
“Just don’t want you to drool on my shirt,” he teases in a low murmur, smoothing a hand down your side and then it’s lights out for you.
You wake to a blunt intrusion at your entrance. Half-awake and squirming, you vaguely feel him rub the tip of his cock up and down your pussy, teasing himself. The second you squirm just a little too much, he uses that little bit of movement to push the tip in. It pops in without much resistance; then the slow, methodical press inward, your walls squeezing around the thick length thrusting up into you.
“Wha—” you whimper, keening when a big hand glides up your chest to squeeze a tit, rolling your nipple between his fingers.
“S’alright, baby, it’s just me,” John murmurs, his voice right in your ear.
You come to gradually and then all at once, aware of your back pressed to his clothed chest and your legs spread around his, your ankles hooked around his calves. Skirt rolled up and panties pushed to the side, one of his arms locked around your waist like a seatbelt to hold you in place.
“John, I’m—we c-can’t do it again—”
“Sorry, honey,” he apologises into your neck, kissing the area he just spoke into. “Had to be inside you again. S’all I’ve been able to think about since you came on my cock the other night. Promise it’ll be easier this time, okay, baby?”
He guides you down his length until he bottoms out, slick lips kissing the base of his dick. The pressure is overwhelming; in your belly, in your throat, in your head. Heart beating a million miles a minute. Walls throbbing around his length, thicker and heavier than you remembered.
All you can think of now is the last time he had you like this, legs spread for him and pussy dripping wet. Taking his cock all sleepy and sweaty under his giant comforter, whimpering into his neck.
It’s not as frantic this time, no rush to the finish line. He seems to like just burying his cock in you while he plays with your breasts, pinching and plucking your nipples until they’re pebbled and sore. His hands aren’t particularly soft either, callused from years of hard labour. When you whine and try to push his hands away, he shushes you again, not paying your protests any mind.
“Fuck, these are pretty,” John praises, staring down at your tits from over your shoulder. “No, baby, jus’ watch your show. M’gonna use your pussy for a bit, okay?”
It’s just that it’s—
When he lets go of your breast to play with your clit instead, you melt, any resistance going up in flames. The heat fans over your cheeks, your eyelids too heavy to lift, vision blurring even when you try to focus.
He helps you grind your hips down on him, big hands like manacles on your waist. Little undulations of your hips. Short, shallow thrusts that keep you both right on the edge, drenching his lap with your juices. When he gets bored of playing with your clit, he switches back to your breasts, pawing at them and then bending down to suck a nipple into his mouth.
Any time you get distracted by what he’s doing, he stops, holding you down on his cock and coaxing you to focus on the television in front of you instead.
When he jiggles your clit, you seize up, heart hammering in your throat.
“Good girl, c’mon—jus’ like that.” John presses a hot kiss to your temple, arm tightening around your front to keep you close. Sweet talks you through your orgasm, all vaguely paternalistic and patronising in the best and worst way.
He makes you lean forward so he can bounce you on his dick after, your hands braced on his knees to keep yourself upright.
“Ah, ah, ah, ah—”
“Almost there, honey, jus’—fuck, perfect, yeah, tighten up like that. Good fuckin’ girl.”
He comes with a strangled moan, still cognizant enough to keep the volume down even if you can’t. Shuttles you down onto his cock a few more times until you’re filled to the brim with cum.
In the aftermath, he sits you back against his sweat-matted chest and pushes his cum back into your sore cunt with his fingers when it dribbles out. Ignores your wounded little sounds like they’re just background noise. He even makes you suck his fingers to clean them up, the digits coated in your combined juices.
“Best fuckin’ girl,” John growls, pressing another kiss to the side of your head. Your fingers twitch feebly in your lap.
Pretending like it didn’t happen after the second time around doesn’t seem wise, but still you don’t know how to broach the subject.
Especially since you know it’s going to happen again.
John doesn’t say it outright, but his actions speak for themselves. An arm looped around your waist casually in line for coffee. Paying for the two of you in any situation, you having your own source of income be damned.
“It’s my money anyway, sweetheart,” he says when you point that out. “Might as well just pay now.”
And doesn’t that just send you into a tizzy, head spinning and mouth agape. Embarrassingly so.
Not to mention you still have this strange, sycophantic need to please him, even after everything. The complicated nature of your relationship aside, it still makes your heart flutter to hear him praise you for anything.
That’s how you end up in his bed on a Saturday afternoon, taking a nap with him after a long day out in the sun. Two hours spent at the botanical gardens, the sun beating down on your head, lathering sunscreen on the baby’s sensitive little arms and legs, and swiping it over his cheeks. John sporting a mild sunburn near the collar of his shirt where he forgot to apply sunscreen and when you have the audacity to giggle, he pulls your baseball hat down over your eyes.
It’s almost too easy for him to coax you into his bed, even though you’re adamant about keeping it clean. A hand firm on your back up the stairs. Already yawning when you put the baby down for a nap, so why not take one too? Ushering you into the bedroom when you say you can take the couch, but why, he presses, take the couch when you’ve already shared the bed before?
Well, because the last time—
He draws the blinds shut and climbs into bed, pulling you into his chest.
You wake up to John plastered against your back, bare cock nudging against your cunt while he snores into your neck. You don’t remember him curling up next to you without any clothes on, but he must have taken off his pants in his sleep, now somewhere rumpled at the end of the bed.
When you try to quietly pull away, his arms just tighten around you more, grumbling in his sleep. The sound makes you freeze, going quiet as a mouse. A few more minutes go by before you feel confident enough to try moving again, carefully trying to slide out from his hold.
You wiggle a hand out, reaching for the other end of the bed.
The hand resting on your belly dips low, shoved between your legs and feeling you up before you can do more than gasp. The man behind you gives a short exhale, shaking off the last vestiges of sleep, rising out of it like a wave now that he feels something wet under his hand.
“Oh, honey…why didn’t you tell me you needed my cock again? You’re leaking right through your panties,” John rasps, dragging your underwear down to mid-thigh.
A big bear hand clamps over your mouth before you have a chance to protest. There’s nothing you can do to keep his knee from spreading your legs and feeding his cock into your drenched centre with his other hand. As soon as he notches the head against your entrance, it’s a smooth glide in.
“There we go,” he pants into your neck. “Big stretch—ah, yeah, nice ‘n tight. That’s my pretty girl.”
He keeps your legs spread with a hand on the inside of your thigh. All you can do is moan behind his hand, humid breath blowing back around your face as you pant. So hot for it that you’re almost nauseous.
You’re a bit too tight for him to fit his cock in you, so he has to work to stretch you out, bullying another inch into you with every thrust. The angle makes it tricky though; means he can’t get more than half of his cock into you. It’s hardly comfortable for you either, your leg already cramping.
“My leg’s got a cramp,” you whine, unsure of what you want to happen. All you know is that you can’t keep this up.
He readjusts his grip, but that just makes you hiss, wincing when that makes your leg twinge. Suddenly the world spins, the pillows going from comfortably under your head to right in your face, John manoeuvring you onto your tummy and hiking your hips up a few inches. It lets him get even deeper, the angle letting him slide right to the hilt.
“Oh god, oh god—John, I can’t—”
“Shh—you’re alright, honey. Much better like this,” he breathes, settling on top of you. It takes him a second to get comfortable, nudging right up against a sensitive spot inside of you the whole time, so deep you can almost feel him in your throat.
He weighs a ton on top of you, rutting between your thighs like he can’t hold himself back, his self-control snapping like brittle glass. Bristly beard chafing your neck when he buries his head to suck on the tender skin there, smothering you under his weight. Thighs trapping you in place, your memory jumping back to that time at the beach, but now there’s nothing between you. Just a thick cock pounding into you and moulding you around its shape.
His hips slap against your ass with every thrust, the lewdest sound you’ve ever heard.
“Gonna make sure it takes this time,” John grunts. “Wanna take care of my baby so bad? I’ll give you a couple to mind.”
That rattles you right to your core; shakes you to the foundations of who you are. You don’t know what to think, what to say—tongue tied and loose lipped all at once. You’ve let him come inside of you so many times that if it hasn’t taken already, surely it will soon.
It slips out before you can take it back. “D-daddy, please—”
That makes him lose his mind. Just a bit.
“Fuck,” he snarls. “Again.”
He wedges his arm under you to curl his hand around your throat, tilting your head out.
“Daddy—daddy—please, I wanna come—” you pant, repeating the same word until it sounds like nothing, tongue puffy in your mouth.
His dick slips out at some point and he wrenches himself off you long enough to wrap his hand around himself and slap it against your ass a few times, cum tagging your skin. Your breath catches in your throat, whining when you clench down on nothing. One stroke after repositioning himself and he’s all the way back in, hammering the spot that makes you go cross-eyed and squeak.
“Make daddy another baby, okay, sweetheart?” It’s not sweet. It’s not doting. It’s growled into your ear like a demand, punctuated by the way his hips snap forward, nearly sending you into the headboard.
You’re practically an old hat at taking his cum now, squeezing up when you can feel it coming and giving him a nice little treat. He sinks his teeth into the back of your neck when he does, muffling the sound roaring out of him, and it hurts.
He’s tender with you after though. Lavishes the line of your neck with soft kisses; murmurs sweet nothings into your ear while you cry fat tears onto the pillow. Even twists and turns so you’re no longer on your back but rather splayed across his chest again, urging you up for a deeper kiss with tongue.
“‘Know you’re tired, sweetie, but this is for your own good,” John murmurs as he wedges a hard thigh between your legs and makes you ride it, grinding your sensitive, throbbing clit down on the muscle. “Can you come, baby? Jus’ like that—that’s good, baby—”
It hurts so good that you don’t even notice when you squirt, the emotions too big for you. It’s like being squeezed too tight, unable to catch your breath or say anything but the same word on a loop. John’s sweet about it though—wipes the sweat from your hairline and upper lip, talking you through it until you slump down on his chest, legs akimbo.
For a bachelor, you think in a daze, he’d make a good husband.
The days grow colder and the sun sets earlier.
A while ago you thought maybe this babysitting gig would be temporary. That at some point you’d move on—maybe go back to school or apply for a more standard nine-to-five job. That’s how the trajectory of your life was supposed to go, you think.
But the timing never seems right. Maybe you’ve grown too attached to the baby or maybe the pay is just too good to give up or maybe you’ve just become habituated to someone getting you off at least every other day. Still, it feels a bit weird to get paid for what essentially boils down to fucking a man and taking care of his baby.
It comes up when you’re sitting out on the porch with him again, this time in his lap in the same adirondack chair, a blanket wrapped around you to keep you warm. John laces his fingers through yours, thumb stroking over your finger, burning a line into the skin.
“Doesn’t it make you feel weird to pay me for…” you say, trailing off with a cocked eyebrow. Surely he must catch your drift.
He chuckles. You wait for the joke.
Your eyes must be big as moons staring up at him.
“Don’t think of it as a paycheck, sweetheart. That’s your allowance.”
You sink your teeth into your bottom lip and swallow.
“Okay,” you whisper. Then let him reel you back in for another kiss, his thumb resting over your ring finger and pressing.
#ceil writing#cod x reader#price x reader#price/reader#price x you#john price x reader#john price x you#captain john price x reader
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