#just out of general allegiances

[muirneach]

we could get carlos/holger AND carlos/jack AND sincaraz matches in the same tournament……… cincy you made such a messy messy draw i do love you. another win for polyamory i suppose

[communistkenobi]

a prof in the department retired last year and was like just raid my office for whatever you want idc im not cleaning it out so it was like book whalefall. and because nobody in my department cares about theory i got to take all of his books on states and revolutions. I’m finally getting around to looking through them and he had some gooooood fucking books dude, I got Lineages of the Absolutist State by Perry Anderson, States and Social Revolutions by Theda Skocpol, Social Origins of Dictatorships and Democracies by Barrington Moore Jr, an edited collection on apartheid, and a book about settler colonial policy in Canada

[sporeclan]

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First moon(s) of 2024!!! WOOO!!!

[plaguegirll]

americans love a good conspiracy what’s with that. like are they just the loudest about it or are they particularly weak to the call of the tinfoil hat

[deanpinterester]

rewatching the scorch trials for reasons and it's actually appalling how this movie had a budget of $61 million and looked and sounded amazing while allegiant, also a YA dystopian movie with a similar plot of the characters travelling through a lifeless desert wasteland, looked like absolute ass with a budget of $110 million

[iwieldthesword]

I need to talk about this because it's making me feel insane.

Last week, my white leftist goyisch friends sat me, a wholeass antizionist Jew, down for a "talk" because they "needed to check in about Palestine" and make sure "our values aligned before we hung out again". They apparently needed to "suss out" where I stood on Palestinian rights, despite having had several conversations about Palestine and them being some of my closest friends. They needed to check, to search for and uncover my true values, because I had said some "disturbing things" that had made them "suspicious".

Disturbing things included:

Supporting IfNotNow which is a "liberal zionist organization" because it normalizes Jewish heritage in the Levant

Not bringing Palestine up enough, despite them also not bringing it up (this was apparently a test)

Mentioning that the Houthi's flag talks about cursing all Jews

Saying Stalin was antisemitic because of the "all the paw-grihms"

...and apparently other things they wouldn't specify, but had been tracking for months.

To clarify, I am an antizionist Jew from three generations of antizionist Jews. I have been vocal in my support of Palestinian liberation and in my condemnation both of Israel's actions and its violent founding as a state, and of zionism in many of its forms. I am a regular donor to Palestinian and Jewish NGOs and advocate for Jewish antizionism in person, at temple, and online. I have been talking about Palestinian liberation before they could point to Gaza on a map. But they needed to make sure, they needed to "suss out", they needed to check. And it's notable that the majority of moments that made them suspicious of me were times where I talked about antisemitism: not about Palestinian liberation, not about Israeli decolonization, not about anything actually relevant to Palestine. It was talking about antisemitism that made them check to see if I was a cryptozionist.

One of the most pervasive and insidious forms of antisemitism is the idea that Jews are inherently untrustworthy and suspicious. You have to constantly be on guard, track what they say and do, "suss out" the real truth. You have to keep them in line and and watch them carefully because they're liars and sneaks, and if you're not looking closely they'll return to their real values (and drag you down with them). This is where the idea of "cryptozionist" comes from and what it's directly building off of: the inherent untrustworthiness of Jews and the need to check. Because no matter how close you become you can't actually trust them, and any upstanding gentile should make sure to avoid associating with Jews before "sussing out" their real allegiances and intentions. You have to make them turn out their pockets, just in case.

I'm the first and only Jew they actually were friends with; I know because they've told me (strangely proud of it in the way white Americans are proud of that kind of thing). They've asked me questions about Judaism and fawned over how beautiful and unique it was for me to be connected to my community and culture. Pre-October 7th, one of them had even mentioned being interested in coming to services at my temple. She still has my copy of our siddur. But now she needed to "check" before she could be seen with me in public. Which is what it was: it wasn't a "you're my friend and I need to give you some feedback because you're fucking up" kind of intervention (which is normal and important to have), it was a trial. It was a last chance for me to prove to them that I'm clean-enough that they could afford to risk being seen with me in public, just in case someone noticed them fraternizing with a hypothetical Enemy and their leftism was compromised. It was a test to make sure that I behave properly when required to, that I'd play along and do what I'm told and turn out my pockets if asked (because any refusal would validate the notion of having something to hide). And above all it was an opportunity for them to reaffirm their own cleanliness by putting my imagined immorality in its place.

I did what I needed to do: I smiled. I apologized. I "didn't know that". I "appreciated the feedback". I turned out my pockets because what else could I do? They'd decided who I was and what I believed, regardless of what I said or did, so there was no point in explaining that they were wrong about me. If I had told them they were being antisemitic, it would just have been proof that they were right. Caring about antisemitism is a dogwhistle in the spaces they've chosen: it's not a real form of oppression, it's a tactic for sneaky, lying Jews to weasel out of admitting their true alliances. There was nothing I could say.

Nothing's really changed for me. I'm going to continue my activism for Palestinian liberation rooted in my culture and my faith. Antizionism is still not antisemitism. But I got a reminder that many white goyisch leftists fundamentally just don't trust Jews, and that the activist spaces they're in not only exacerbate their antisemitism in an increasingly insular echo chamber, but also allow them to finally vent their internalized bigotry in a socially-acceptable way. In my former friends' eyes, what they did was activism—disavowing a Jew (and making me feel humiliated, scared, and unclean in the process) as a cathartic stand-in for doing fucking anything for actual Palestinian liberation—but for me it was a grief that I'll be feeling for a long time: not only over losing friends I loved and trusted, but also over my sense of belonging and security in leftist spaces.

[just-let-me-see-accounts]

If I could kill people instantly with impunity I would be better. Give me blood explosion magic.

[liloinkoink]

one thing i think people get wrong about Martyn in the life series is he really isn’t loyal

like yeah, we all know him as the Hand, following the Red King as far as their shared grave, but that is… truly the outlier and not the norm with him

i mean, let’s take a brief look at other seasons. i can’t speak to Secret Life, as it came out when i was incredibly busy and i haven’t yet had time to watch it, but what about the others?

he won Limited Life because he’s a chronic traitor! he betrayed Scott, his ally for the whole season, so that he could win, and said he’d been planning it / wanting to do it the whole session. spent a whole season protecting and helping Scott, and laughed in his face to betray as soon as he saw a shot to do so

Double Life was a whole mess of Martyn and weird loyalties. just one example: he spent all of the first session hanging out with Pearl in favor of even looking for either of their soulmates, with no regard for how he’d been putting his soulmate in danger. when their soulmates dumped them due to being ignored all session and stormed off, he dumped Pearl just because. one session in and he’s betrayed both his soulmate and his day one alliance!

Last Life he teamed with the Southlanders and then made the Shadow Alliance in secret, so he was on two teams and never truly committed to either. he tried to kill Grian basically immediately when he got boogeyman, for example, and in the final fight he tried to lure Ren to himself by offering to team and then tried to blow Ren up

of course, i’m simplifying and ignoring a lot. he doesn’t earn the loyal reputation for nothing. he does a lot of things to help his teammates, like giving a life to Ren in Last Life, trying all season to win Cleo over for all of Double Life, or working to protect Scott for all of Limited Life. it’s not like Martyn doesn’t play the part of a loyal friend well, but, well.

the thing about Martyn is that he’s selfish. he’s basically always going to prioritize his own survival over anything else. he’s never going to roll over and die, especially not for another person. he’s good at looking loyal, because having allies will help you survive, and he knows making outright enemies is a bad idea. he knows he can’t make it obvious he’s a traitor, because then he’ll certainly be killed. but, when it comes down to the wire, he will generally bail at the last minute to save his own skin rather than protecting the people around him. when his loyalty is tested, nine times out of ten, he will not only fail, but do so completely without remorse

it doesnt take a lot to become Martyn’s ally, and once you’ve got a foot in the door, he will take his allegiances seriously (at least, to a point). but it takes effort to really earn Martyn’s trust. and, even when it looks like you have, there’s no guarantee he won’t yank the rug out from under you if he decides having you alive is more detrimental to his survival than seeing you dead

and yes, you can especially see all of this in Third Life. Martyn was absolutely not instantly ride or die for Ren—for a lot of the earlier episodes, he won’t say he’s on Ren’s team or that he lives at Ren’s base, and often tells other players he’s simply Ren’s employee rather than teammate and that he’s wandering or homeless. he trusts Ren so little due to Ren’s inability to keep a secret or stand up for himself that even Ren acknowledges in the third session that Martyn is probably going to leave him and find someone else. Martyn’s loyalty had to be earned, and it very nearly wasn’t. if Ren had taken a session more to grow a spine, Martyn probably would have left

but Ren became an ally that Martyn could rely on, who could stand up for himself and keep secrets. it became more beneficial to Martyn’s survival to have Ren around, so he stayed with Ren for the rest of the season, and committed hard to their kingdom. Ren earns Martyn’s trust by becoming a more dependable ally, and because of that, Ren earns Martyn’s loyalty…. probably

(half related, bc i want it in the post and i don’t know where to put it: after the execution, two sessions after Ren officially earns Martyn’s loyalty, Ren admits to being genuinely convinced Martyn was going to take him out of the series as soon as Ren gave him the chance!)

because yes, even here, even after Ren earns his trust and Ren trusts Martyn to execute him and they become King and Hand, Martyn was okay with killing Ren to save himself. Martyn has said he was going to betray Ren in the final session of Third Life. his entire plan was that when he and Ren hit the final 5, he was going to kill Ren. end Red Winter, usher in Red Spring. even the most loyal version of Martyn was a traitor!

now, you can decide for yourself if you believe he could have actually gone through with this—he and Ren were 6th and 7th out of the game, after all. maybe he wouldn’t have been able to steel himself. maybe his loyalty would have, for once, been too strong to kill Ren.

but it’s very possible that even the most loyal version of Martyn—the version of Martyn who has created this “loyal” image of Martyn in fanon—was only loyal because he died too soon to show his true colors

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Podcasting “Capitalists Hate Capitalism”

I'm touring my new, nationally bestselling novel The Bezzle! Catch me in Torino (Apr 21) Marin County (Apr 27), Winnipeg (May 2), Calgary (May 3), Vancouver (May 4), and beyond!

This week on my podcast, I read "Capitalists Hate Capitalism," my latest column for Locus Magazine:

https://locusmag.com/2024/03/cory-doctorow-capitalists-hate-capitalism/

What do I mean by "capitalists hate capitalism?" It all comes down to the difference between "profits" and "rents." A capitalist takes capital (money, or the things you can buy with it) and combines it with employees' labor, and generates profits (the capitalist's share) and wages (the workers' share).

Rents, meanwhile, come from owning an asset that capitalists need to generate profits. For example, a landlord who rents a storefront to a coffee shop extracts rent from the capitalist who owns the coffee shop. Meanwhile, the capitalist who owns the cafe extracts profits from the baristas' labor.

Capitalists' founding philosophers like Adam Smith hated rents. Worse: rents were the most important source of income at the time of capitalism's founding. Feudal lords owned great swathes of land, and there were armies of serfs who were bound to that land – it was illegal for them to leave it. The serfs owed rent to lords, and so they worked the land in order grow crops and raise livestock that they handed over the to lord as rent for the land they weren't allowed to leave.

Capitalists, meanwhile, wanted to turn that land into grazing territory for sheep as a source of wool for the "dark, Satanic mills" of the industrial revolution. They wanted the serfs to be kicked off their land so that they would become "free labor" that could be hired to work in those factories.

For the founders of capitalism, a "free market" wasn't free from regulation, it was free from rents, and "free labor" came from workers who were free to leave the estates where they were born – but also free to starve unless they took a job with the capitalists.

For capitalism's philosophers, free markets and free labor weren't just a source of profits, they were also a source of virtue. Capitalists – unlike lords – had to worry about competition from one another. They had to make better goods at lower prices, lest their customers take their business elsewhere; and they had to offer higher pay and better conditions, lest their "free labor" take a job elsewhere.

This means that capitalists are haunted by the fear of losing everything, and that fear acts as a goad, driving them to find ways to make everything better for everyone: better, cheaper products that benefit shoppers; and better-paid, safer jobs that benefit workers. For Smith, capitalism is alchemy, a philosopher's stone that transforms the base metal of greed into the gold of public spiritedness.

By contrast, rentiers are insulated from competition. Their workers are bound to the land, and must toil to pay the rent no matter whether they are treated well or abused. The rent rolls in reliably, without the lord having to invest in new, better ways to bring in the harvest. It's a good life (for the lord).

Think of that coffee-shop again: if a better cafe opens across the street, the owner can lose it all, as their customers and workers switch allegiance. But for the landlord, the failure of his capitalist tenant is a feature, not a bug. Once the cafe goes bust, the landlord gets a newly vacant storefront on the same block as the hot new coffee shop that can be rented out at even higher rates to another capitalist who tries his luck.

The industrial revolution wasn't just the triumph of automation over craft processes, nor the triumph of factory owners over weavers. It was also the triumph of profits over rents. The transformation of hereditary estates worked by serfs into part of the supply chain for textile mills was attended by – and contributed to – the political ascendancy of capitalists over rentiers.

Now, obviously, capitalism didn't end rents – just as feudalism didn't require the total absence of profits. Under feudalism, capitalists still extracted profits from capital and labor; and under capitalism, rentiers still extracted rents from assets that capitalists and workers paid them to use.

The difference comes in the way that conflicts between profits and rents were resolved. Feudalism is a system where rents triumph over profits, and capitalism is a system where profits triumph over rents.

It's conflict that tells you what really matters. You love your family, but they drive you crazy. If you side with your family over your friends – even when your friends might be right and your family's probably wrong – then you value your family more than your friends. That doesn't mean you don't value your friends – it means that you value them less than your family.

Conflict is a reliable way to know whether or not you're a leftist. As Steven Brust says, the way to distinguish a leftist is to ask "What's more important, human rights, or property rights?" If you answer "Property rights are human right," you're not a leftist. Leftists don't necessarily oppose all property rights – they just think they're less important than human rights.

Think of conflicts between property rights and human rights: the grocer who deliberately renders leftover food inedible before putting it in the dumpster to ensure that hungry people can't eat it, or the landlord who keeps an apartment empty while a homeless person freezes to death on its doorstep. You don't have to say "No one can own food or a home" to say, "in these cases, property rights are interfering with human rights, so they should be overridden." For leftists property rights can be a means to human rights (like revolutionary land reformers who give peasants title to the lands they work), but where property rights interfere with human rights, they are set aside.

In his 2023 book Technofeudalism, Yanis Varoufakis claims that capitalism has given way to a new feudalism – that capitalism was a transitional phase between feudalism…and feudalism:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/28/cloudalists/#cloud-capital

Varoufakis's point isn't that capitalists have gone extinct. Rather, it's that today, conflicts between capital and assets – between rents and profits – reliably end with a victory of rent over profit.

Think of Amazon: the "everything store" appears to be a vast bazaar, a flea-market whose stalls are all operated by independent capitalists who decide what to sell, how to price it, and then compete to tempt shoppers. In reality, though, the whole system is owned by a single feudalist, who extracts 51% from every dollar those merchants take in, and decides who can sell, and what they can sell, and at what price, and whether anyone can even see it:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/03/01/managerial-discretion/#junk-fees

Or consider the patent trolls of the Eastern District of Texas. These "companies" are invisible and produce nothing. They consist solely of a serviced mailbox in a dusty, uninhabited office-building, and an overbroad patent (say, a patent on "tapping on a screen with your finger") issued by the US Patent and Trademark Office. These companies extract hundreds of millions of dollars from Apple, Google, Samsung for violating these patents. In other words, the government steps in and takes vast profits generated through productive activity by companies that make phones, and turns that money over as rent paid to unproductive companies whose sole "product" is lawsuits. It's the triumph of rent over profit.

Capitalists hate capitalism. All capitalists would rather extract rents than profits, because rents are insulated from competition. The merchants who sell on Jeff Bezos's Amazon (or open a cafe in a landlord's storefront, or license a foolish smartphone patent) bear all the risk. The landlords – of Amazon, the storefront, or the patent – get paid whether or not that risk pays off.

This is why Google, Apple and Samsung also have vast digital estates that they rent out to capitalists – everything from app stores to patent portfolios. They would much rather be in the business of renting things out to capitalists than competing with capitalists.

Hence that famous Adam Smith quote: "People of the same trade seldom meet together, even for merriment and diversion, but the conversation ends in a conspiracy against the public, or in some contrivance to raise prices." This is literally what Google and Meta do:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jedi_Blue

And it's what Apple and Google do:

https://www.theverge.com/2023/10/27/23934961/google-antitrust-trial-defaults-search-deal-26-3-billion

Why compete with one another when you can collude, like feudal lords with adjacent estates who trust one another to return any serf they catch trying to sneak away in the dead of night?

Because of course, it's not just "free markets" that have been captured by rents ("Competition is for losers" -P. Thiel) – it's also "free labor." For years, the largest tech and entertainment companies in America illegally colluded on a "no poach" agreement not to hire one-anothers' employees:

https://techcrunch.com/2015/09/03/apple-google-other-silicon-valley-tech-giants-ordered-to-pay-415m-in-no-poaching-suit/

These companies were bitter competitors – as were these sectors. Even as Big Content was lobbying for farcical copyright law expansions and vowing to capture Big Tech, all these companies on both sides were able to set aside their differences and collude to bind their free workers to their estates and end the "wasteful competition" to secure their labor.

Of course, this is even more pronounced at the bottom of the labor market, where noncompete "agreements" are the norm. The median American worker bound by a noncompete is a fast-food worker whose employer can wield the power of the state to prevent that worker from leaving behind the Wendy's cash-register to make $0.25/hour more at the McDonald's fry trap across the street:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/02/02/its-the-economy-stupid/#neofeudal

Employers defend this as necessary to secure their investment in training their workers and to ensure the integrity of their trade secrets. But why should their investments be protected? Capitalism is about risk, and the fear that accompanies risk – fear that drives capitalists to innovate, which creates the public benefit that is the moral justification for capitalism.

Capitalists hate capitalism. They don't want free labor – they want labor bound to the land. Capitalists benefit from free labor: if you have a better company, you can tempt away the best workers and cause your inferior rival to fail. But feudalists benefit from un-free labor, from tricks like "bondage fees" that force workers to pay in order to quit their jobs:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/21/bondage-fees/#doorman-building

Companies like Petsmart use "training repayment agreement provisions" (TRAPs) to keep low-waged workers from leaving for better employers. Petsmart says it costs $5,500 to train a pet-groomer, and if that worker is fired, laid off, or quits less than two years, they have to pay that amount to Petsmart:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/08/04/its-a-trap/#a-little-on-the-nose

Now, Petsmart is full of shit here. The "four-week training course" Petsmart claims is worth $5,500 actually only lasts for three weeks. What's more, the "training" consists of sweeping the floor and doing other low-level chores for three weeks, without pay.

But even if Petsmart were to give $5,500 worth of training to every pet-groomer, this would still be bullshit. Why should the worker bear the risk of Petsmart making a bad investment in their training? Under capitalism, risks justify rewards. Petsmart's argument for charging $50 to groom your dog and paying the groomer $15 for the job is that they took $35 worth of risk. But some of that risk is being borne by the worker – they're the ones footing the bill for the training.

For Petsmart – as for all feudalists – a worker (with all the attendant risks) can be turned into an asset, something that isn't subject to competition. Petsmart doesn't have to retain workers through superior pay and conditions – they can use the state's contract-enforcement mechanism instead.

Capitalists hate capitalism, but they love feudalism. Sure, they dress this up by claiming that governmental de-risking spurs investment: "Who would pay to train a pet-groomer if that worker could walk out the next day and shave dogs for some competing shop?"

But this is obvious nonsense. Think of Silicon Valley: high tech is the most "IP-intensive" of all industries, the sector that has had to compete most fiercely for skilled labor. And yet, Silicon Valley is in California, where noncompetes are illegal. Every single successful Silicon Valley company has thrived in an environment in which their skilled workers can walk out the door at any time and take a job with a rival company.

There's no indication that the risk of free labor prevents investment. Think of AI, the biggest investment bubble in human history. All the major AI companies are in jurisdictions where noncompetes are illegal. Anthropic – OpenAI's most serious competitor – was founded by a sister/brother team who quit senior roles at OpenAI and founded a direct competitor. No one can claim with a straight face that OpenAI is now unable to raise capital on favorable terms.

What's more, when OpenAI founder Sam Altman was forced out by his board, Microsoft offered to hire him – and 700 other OpenAI personnel – to found an OpenAI competitor. When Altman returned to the company, Microsoft invested more money in OpenAI, despite their intimate understanding that anyone could hire away the company's founder and all of its top technical staff at any time.

The idea that the departure of the Burger King trade secrets locked up in its workers' heads constitute more of a risk to the ability to operate a hamburger restaurant than the departure of the entire technical staff of OpenAI is obvious nonsense. Noncompetes aren't a way to make it possible to run a business – they're a way to make it easy to run a business, by eliminating competition and pushing the risk onto employees.

Because capitalists hate capitalism. And who can blame them? Who wouldn't prefer a life with less risk to one where you have to constantly look over your shoulder for competitors who've found a way to make a superior offer to your customers and workers?

This is why businesses are so excited about securing "IP" – that is, a government-backed right to control your workers, customers, competitors or critics:

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

The argument for every IP right expansion is the same: "Who would invest in creating something new without the assurance that some­one else wouldn’t copy and improve on it and put them out of business?"

That was the argument raised five years ago, during the (mercifully brief) mania for genre writers seeking trademarks on common tropes. There was the romance writer who got a trademark on the word "cocky" in book titles:

https://www.theverge.com/2018/7/16/17566276/cockygate-amazon-kindle-unlimited-algorithm-self-published-romance-novel-cabal

And the fantasy writer who wanted a trademark on "dragon slayer" in fantasy novel titles:

https://memex.craphound.com/2018/06/14/son-of-cocky-a-writer-is-trying-to-trademark-dragon-slayer-for-fantasy-novels/

Who subsequently sought a trademark on any book cover featuring a person holding a weapon:

https://memex.craphound.com/2018/07/19/trademark-troll-who-claims-to-own-dragon-slayer-now-wants-exclusive-rights-to-book-covers-where-someone-is-holding-a-weapon/

For these would-be rentiers, the logic was the same: "Why would I write a book about a dragon-slayer if I could lose readers to someone else who writes a book about dragon-slayers?"

In these cases, the USPTO denied or rescinded its trademarks. Profits triumphed over rents. But increasingly, rents are triumphing over profits, and rent-extraction is celebrated as "smart business," while profits are for suckers, only slightly preferable to "wages" (the worst way to get paid under both capitalism and feudalism).

That's what's behind all the talk about "passive income" – that's just a euphemism for "rent." It's what Douglas Rushkoff is referring to in Survival of the Richest when he talks about the wealthy wanting to "go meta":

https://pluralistic.net/2022/09/13/collapse-porn/#collapse-porn

Don't drive a cab – go meta and buy a medallion. Don't buy a medallion, go meta and found Uber. Don't found Uber, go meta and invest in Uber. Don't invest in Uber, go meta and buy options on Uber stock. Don't buy Uber stock options, go meta and buy derivatives of options on Uber stock.

"Going meta" means distancing yourself from capitalism – from income derived from profits, from competition, from risk – and cozying up to feudalism.

Capitalists have always hated capitalism. The owners of the dark Satanic mills wanted peasants turned off the land and converted into "free labor" – but they also kidnapped Napoleonic war-orphans and indentured them to ten-year terms of service, which was all you could get out of a child's body before it was ruined for further work:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/26/enochs-hammer/#thats-fronkonsteen

When Varoufakis says we've entered a new feudal age, he doesn't mean that we've abolished capitalism. He means that – for the first time in centuries – when rents go to war against profits – the rents almost always emerge victorious.

Here's the podcast episode:

https://craphound.com/news/2024/04/14/capitalists-hate-capitalism/

Here's a direct link to the MP3 (hosting courtesy of the Internet Archive; they'll host your stuff for free, forever):

https://archive.org/download/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_465/Cory_Doctorow_Podcast_465_-_Capitalists_Hate_Capitalism.mp3

And here's the RSS feed for my podcast:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/doctorow_podcast

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/04/18/in-extremis-veritas/#the-winnah

[theriverbeyond]

Ok so a part of the NtN epilogue that has always bugged me is how Alecto very specifically doesn't know who Harrow is until she bites kisses her and tastes her blood

Which on its own wouldn't necessarily mean much, except that Harrow is shown repeatedly to look almost exactly like Anastasia, and Alecto-in-her-aspect-as-Nona is shown to be very observant and aware of physical features. It's not, like, a vision issue, after waking up Alecto immediately recognizes Pyrrha, and knows the general features of Harrow i.e. "black-eyed infant". And in her aspect as Nona, she is keenly observant of physical features. She waxes poetic about all the little ways Honesty and Pyrrha's red hair differs from Kiriona's, and more than that, she immediately recognizes Kiriona's corpse as the girl from her dream. So why doesn't she recognize Harrow?

The other Lyctors recognize Harrow. The first thing Augustine says upon meeting her is: "Harrowhark the First—ninth saint, then, looking at you I can tell that’s appropriate", and then in the same scene he calls her "Anastasia come again." Mercymorn insults her ("You're not as pretty as Anastasia") but in that insult, she again emphasizes the physical similarity between Harrow and Anastasia. These statements are way more significant when you remember in this scene, Harrow has just woken up after travel through the River, and is still wearing a hospital gown. no black vestments, no Ninth Aesthetics, the only things really "Ninth" about her are her physical features.

And the first thing Alecto does after she realizes that Harrow is Anastasia's blood is to apologize about Samael and reiterate her "vow", which she specifically did not remember until after she remembered Anastasia.

So like. What does this mean? I cannot help but have a feeling that this relates to blood wards being broken by the blood of a relative, the Ninth House being the House of the Sewn Tongue, and the established fact that necromancy can fuck with memory and perception. I guess I had always assumed the original "sewn tongue" referred to Anastasia but like what if it referred to Alecto? And the established blood ward (the Tomb) could only be spoofed by a close relative (because John wouldn't program it to let anyone but himself in), but theoretically what is stopping Anastasia from whipping up a theorem for a blood ward that simply requires any kind of direct genetic link? Why would Alecto have forgotten her vows, how does this relate to Samael, why was she swearing allegiance to Anastasia? If she was made to forget because that vow was a secret, who was it kept secret from (John, presumably), and why, and how will this impact Alecto's motivations and actions in the next book? John seemed happy/relieved to see Alecto when she woke him up via sword-to-the-chest, but the Alecto he put to sleep (presumably) didn't remember her vows to Anastasia, and the Alecto who stabs him does, and what could this mean? How does this all connect to Anastasia's bones being nestled by the Rock on the inside of the tomb? Did Anastasia have a long term plan, or was she just hoping that the next time Alecto woke up that things would be Different? What could she possibly have hoped or assumed would have changed in that interim time? How does this connect to Alecto calling out for Anastasia right before John leads her into the Tomb? What HAPPENED between Anastasia and Alecto, and John, and Samael, and—(I am pulled off stage with a large hook)

[silver-studios]

How Shang Qinghua Ends Up Conning a Sect

AU where everything happens as it does in canon right up until the Mobei-Jun mission.

Shang Qinghua's system warns him earlier than it does in canon to be prepared, and he connects the dots, at which point he freaks out because he does not want to become a canon fodder spy. So SQH starts to protest being assigned to the mission, doing his best to get out of going by grovelling before his shixiong. Unfortunately, the Peak Lord happens to be passing by as this is happening and expresses disapproval at SQH trying to shirk his duties, forcing him to go and also ending up in him being saddled with even more chores while he’s at it much to his fellow disciples’ smug pleasure.

Not that the smugness lasts for long since they all end up dead. SQH does what he does best and just plays dead instead of pledging allegiance and then runs away once MBJ passes out (no moshang in this AU rip). He makes his way to the Sect alone because he isn’t even sure if they’ll send someone for him and makes it there just as the search party is leaving, bursting into tears from exhaustion and relief and admitting that everyone else is dead because of a demon attack.

He’s mostly numb and in denial in the aftermath because what do you mean he’s just subverted his major death flag?? Does he just live normally now until Luo Binghe swings by to massacre them?

He’s debating this when SQQ swoops in suspiciously to question how Shang-shidi alone managed to survive and crawl his way back to the Sect, to which SQH freaks out and kind of implies (or outright states) that he can see the future. SQQ is immediately disbelieving and YQY intervenes because SQH looks close to having a stroke, and SQH figures that since he has already stuck his foot in his mouth, he may as well buckle down and run with his technically-not-a-lie. So, he tells them that he knows their whole lore, even name dropping Xuan Su, the Qiu mansion and Wu Yanzi because he's pretty much obligated to commit to the bit at this point.

YQY pales and SQQ immediately goes on the defensive, telling him to keep his mouth shut, to which SQH protests because he’s known this whole time and hasn’t said a word. He really just wants to lay low and mind his business, guys, he swears. This is YOUR toxic doomed yaoi, not OUR toxic doomed yaoi.

YQY tells him that SQH clearly has a gift and they should inform the Peak Lords. SQH protests because obviously there’s no gift to speak of, and his ass does not need to risk being exposed like this. SQQ— still clearly on the fence about the whole seeing the future thing— agrees and practically drags SQH to face judgement for his crime of bullshitting.

Surprisingly, the An Ding Peak Lord actually appears to consider this farce because he remembers how badly SQH didn’t want to go on this mission. Appearing horrified, he asks, “Is this why you didn’t want to go? Because you knew what awaited you?” SQH just goes with it, nodding along and looking extra pathetic. “Well, why didn’t you tell me?”

Because he’d look like a crazy person??? “This disciple is aware that his…foresight is hard to believe in.” Great, now his Shizun thinks he has a tragic backstory like Cassandra or something. Good. Feel bad. You sent SQH into the jaws of death after all. Some guilt is exactly what you should be feeling.

The Sect Leader who is also present is less quick to trust in SQH’s claims since he isn’t angsting over the death of a bunch of disciples, and he proposes that they test SQH’s abilities somehow. Shit, SQH should have written this guy to be stupider; now he’s about to be executed or something for lying. He wracks his brains desperately for the plot he only really half-recalls, and manages to give out the location of some super mystical artefact to convince them. Just to be safe, he also says he knows the courtesy names of the entire Qing generation to come, though he refrains from telling them exactly which pupil will inherit the names. It takes a few days to confirm both his ‘predictions’ but soon enough SQH has been dubbed a certified Seer.

He ends up having to spend some time with Qian Cao and the divination/feng shui Peak Lords so they can make sure he’s physically and spiritually alright while they try to work out the extent of his powers so he isn’t hurting himself somehow. Since there are no powers to speak of, SQH knows it’s all useless but just lets them do whatever. The divination/feng shui Peak Lord is a little puzzled because usually divination involves seeking visions out through ritual, sacrifice or calculation. Seemingly random visions that are involuntary and inherent are exceedingly rare. They can’t sense anything inhuman or demonic off him either so it’s 100% all him, which is a trait of an extremely rare form of shamanism. SQH is mildly hysterical listening to them puzzle over his bullshit but needs must.

”Shang-shizi must have encountered some powerful god or spirit as a baby or in a past life.”

Sure, yeah, let's go with that. Why ever the fuck not.

They inform him that evil spirits and demons are often attracted to people like him for their qi, so he needs to learn how to defend himself. Caught in a lie of his own making, SQH can only curse in his heart and agree.

The An Ding Peak Lord offers to let him transfer to the feng shui peak (still wanting to compensate SQH somehow) but System immediately starts threatening SQH who bursts into tears from how stressful this ordeal has been and begs on his knees to be allowed to stay on An Ding. His Shizun is deeply touched, mistaking his desperation as love for this peak, and of course allows him to stay, remarking over how he had no idea “Hua-er was such a good, filial child” and that “this master is so lucky to have such a devoted disciple.” The misunderstandings between them continue to grow.

Since he’s stuck spending inordinate amounts of time learning various chants, prayers and rituals to protect himself, he has to do some serious bootlicking if he ever wants to be promoted to Inner Disciple. Thus, SQH doubles down on sabotaging his seniors and currying favour with Shizun in every spare moment he has. At least the others are discouraged from giving him too many chores because of his tighter schedule and Shizun's guilt. Shamelessly, SQH employs some of the tricks he’s learning (like talisman-making and minor spells) to his advantage so that he’s positively hovering around his Shizun like a very dedicated housefly over an attractive pile of garbage.

His shizun is none the wiser and is convinced his little disciple is a dutiful angel. Soon enough, SQH bags his promotion and subverts System-given punishment.

Rumours about his “power” spread, and people want to prod and see for themselves if it’s legit. Most of the time, he has to turn them away because fuck you he’s not a fortune cookie and he has no powers to speak of anyways, but sometimes someone will ask him something that he actually does know. For example, A Qian Cao disciple needs to know where to find this super niche herb, or SQH knows how to cure this obscure predicament, or Qing Jing needs to know about some culture or beast, or Wan Jian wants to find a super rare ore. Shizun is struggling with a contract, but SQH recognises that name as wife #465’s backstory and spills the tea, allowing them to be “talked into” better terms. Sometimes, he just makes educated guesses about the economic scene based on modern trends and statistics, and people hail him as a prophet. As a gift, his Shizun gives him a journal they recovered from a former shaman. SQH is horrified by the fact that he now essentially possesses a grimoire.

Then one day, he receives a request from his juniors to investigate a shed they swear is haunted. It is haunted, but SQH manages to banish the ghost and it’s fine. No biggie. Why are they looking at him with stars in their eyes? He also realises atp that the more he learns to use the spiritual arts, the more he’s able to interact with spirits (very double-edged sword) and great now that’s one more dumb fucking way he could die. He decides to say fuck it to xianxia social norms and tattoos himself with protective seals because hell nah. There may or may not be a small fan club growing in the background but that's not important (it is to me I want him to be appreciated).

Inevitably, he’s assigned to a mission. Unfortunately, he’s stuck with SQQ, who specifically requested to work with him much to Shizun’s delight (his Hua-er is making connections!) and SQH’s dismay. They’re supposed to appraise some rare book or whatever and negotiate a trade because Qing Jing’s Peak Lord really wants this one fucking book. SQH spends the entire trip to the collector’s home sweating while SQQ glares at him. It just gets worse because once they get there, the place is closed which pisses SQQ off even more who acts like it’s SQH’s fault.

Before SQH can apologise for daring to exist, a woman peeks out at them from inside the shop and appears to be greatly relieved to see a pair of cultivators. She tells them her husband has been acting super fucking weird but the doctors’ haven’t been able to help, claiming that he’s just gone insane, but maybe the cultivators can take a look and make sure it’s not some demon. SQH wants to protest because this is so far above his pay grade but SQQ silences him with one look and asks to be taken to the husband since “My shidi here is particularly gifted with the spirit arts.” Shen-shixiong, please this one is sorry, have mercy!

Anyways, SQH takes one look at the guy and is like “No yeah he’s definitely possessed lol.” He has to perform some ritual to determine just what is possessing the husband though and learns that it’s a ghost that will have to be forcibly ejected out of the dude’s body. SQQ is dubious about his skills but goes along with it begrudgingly, helping SQH gather supplies for the exorcism since they’re stuck seeing this through now because of him. He’s being prissy, and Qinghua is already nervous about an impromptu exorcism when he’s never done one by himself so he ends up snapping at him about “I’m not out to get you! I didn’t mean to learn your tragic backstory, but I’ve known all along and could literally not give less of a fuck, so can you stop being even more of an asshole than usual and just find me some fucking flowers so we can be done with this and go home!” And SQQ is so startled by the uncharacteristic outburst that he goes along with it.

The exorcism is…fine. The ritual is ok, but SQH wasn’t expecting quite that much resistance, so he has to have SQQ distract the ghost while he works on banishing it back to whatever hole it crawled out of. It’s tiring work, especially for his first solo exorcism, and he pretty much passes out as soon as it’s over. He wakes up in one of the collector’s guest bedrooms and awkwardly apologises for fainting and also for screaming at SQQ earlier. SQQ looks at him and sniffs, graciously forgiving him. SQH earnestly reiterates that he’ll keep his mouth shut about the stuff he knows. SQQ doesn’t respond to that but tells him that the collector is giving them the book for free as thanks so they can fuck off as soon as SQH is well enough.

They give the book to QJ Peak Lord but before SQH can fuck off, SQQ corners him again. “Earlier, you mentioned something about Xuan Su that Yue-shixiong clearly wanted to keep secret. What is it?” SQH tries to dither “ah, it’s really not my place…” Then he sees the look on SQQ’s face, remembers that he actually values his life and promptly rats YQY out before scurrying off to safety while SQQ immediately flies over to Qiong Ding to rip YQY a new one for keeping such a huge secret from him.

SQH is tasked to tidy Shizun’s office before some guests arrive and ends up rearranging the furniture because the feng shui in there sucked ass tbh and his Shizun is so pleased by the gesture that he decides to start grooming him for head disciple duties. Not that SQH really realises what’s happening. He just knows he suddenly has even more grunt work to do and is silently cursing his Shizun out over it.

He’s on Qiong Ding for inventory when YQY corners him much to his horror because YQY is wearing his super creepy empty smile as he brings up how SQH snitched on him. SQH is already halfway through apologising for breathing when YQY cuts him off to thank him for the intervention, assuring him that if SQH needs help or a favour, YQY will have his back. Great. Thanks I guess???

Anyways so thanks to his connections, his Shizun is even more impressed and officially makes him Head Disciple. First order of business is actually a mission with Liu Qingge since SQQ is going with YQY. Their mission is to investigate a haunted mirror that causes hallucinations and basically tricks its victims into violent self-destruction. Before they can even enter, SQH is making LQG promise that he won’t try to attack or provoke the mirror because if LQG goes crazy and tries to kill SQH, he might actually die. LQG scoffs, mutters something about weak cultivation, begrudgingly promises, and then promptly gets impatient halfway through SQH extensive diagnosis and packaging process and tries to stab the mirror because it reeks of evil and should clearly be destroyed.

Luckily, SQH’s idiot system actually has its uses and it doesn’t allow any other sentient being to influence him meaning he’s pretty possession proof. Unluckily, LQG does not have this built in immunity and starts trying to kill SQH who is suddenly stuck fighting for his life against the soon-to-be War God of Bai Zhan. He runs and screams the whole time and kind of blacks out in his blind panic, but next thing he knows, he’s slapped LQG with a temporary qi disrupting talisman and locked him in a room. It won’t hold him for long, but at least he’s bought himself some time with this. SQH then has to go about exorcising the fucking mirror. Halfway through his chanting, LQG escapes his enclosure and bursts in, so now SQH is hysterically fighting him off while simultaneously finishing his chant because if he stops, he’ll have to start over and it might legitimately kill him. He manages and then chucks some stray debris to shatter it for good measure just as LQG tackles him. The spell breaks and LQG just kind of freezes, supremely disoriented and trying to figure out what is happening when SQH just fucking decks him, punting him through the already damaged wall and yelling, “I asked you not to do one thing, and what do you do?! You do the thing! The thing I specifically asked you not to do!! You fucking clown, Liu-shidi! You’re lucky you’re so pretty because, right now, it’s the only thing keeping me from ripping your face off and beating you to death with it” before promptly bursting into tears.

It’s a really awkward flight back home because SQH is straight up refusing to even acknowledge LQG’s existence (partly out of anger because what an idiot and partly because he just threatened someone who could definitely eviscerate him???), and LQG is unusually contrite in the wake of the mission that he almost botched and his usually timid shixiong’s fury. When they make it back to the sect, he goes to apologise (because SQH is a really fast flier and LQG could barely catch up to him the whole trip, let alone speak), but SQH cuts him off and orders him to go to Qian Cao and have them do a post-possession check up while he goes to give his Shizun a report on why they destroyed the mirror they were actually supposed to bring back for storage. LQG sulks harder but actually does as asked because SQH still looks to be in no mood for arguments.

Once things have calmed, SQH is mortified and determined to just avoid LQG because it’s super likely the guy will just forget about his existence so long as he stays out of sight. LQG does not forget. LQG keeps trying to seek him out and leaving monster carcasses for him to find, which SQH assumes with horror is meant to be a threat to his life and just avoids his shidi even harder. He’s not above fainting to get out of confrontations too! LQG has no idea what he’s dealing with.

A very frustrated and determined LQG finally manages to corner SQH after a Peak Lord meeting that the Head Disciples got to sit in on to learn since their shizuns are going to ascend soon. SQH decides that SQQ is actually the lesser of two evils and shamelessly dives behind him for cover which instantly pisses LQG off because “You’re willing to use him to avoid me?”

SQQ: Ex-cuse me? What is that supposed to mean?

SQH: Yeah! I love hanging out with Shen-shixong!

[collective disbelief]

YQY: (fake smiling and subtly hiding SQH behind him) Did you need something from Shang-shidi, Liu-shidi?

LQG: …wanted to thank him. and apologise.

SQH: Wait why????

LQG: for the mission. I screwed up and you had to complete the mission on your own when it was my job to protect you and provide backup. You could have left me since I was a hinderance to our objective and went against your orders but you didn’t. Thank you.

SQH: Well, it’s fine now, isn’t it?

LQG: (insistent) You saved my life

SQH: We’re martial siblings, haha, no biggie

SQQ: (immediately catching on and suddenly very smug) So you owe Shang-shidi a debt

SQH: He does????

LQG: I do

SQH: You do????

LQG wants to know how to repay the debt but SQH just waves him off, saying he’ll let him know if he thinks of something, mostly just to be rid of him because he’s really intense and it’s not good for SQH’s heart. LQG just thinks that SQH is dismissing him because he probably thinks LQG is unreliable after the disaster mission. Well, LQG will just have to prove him otherwise. And so begin the misunderstandings between these two as well.

Meanwhile, SQH’s Shizun watching with fond eyes: Ah, my Hua-er is making so many friends. He’s so popular. I’m so proud.

Qian Cao’s peak lord: Actually, I think he’s having a heart attack right now. Someone should probably get him.

The battle against TLJ takes place and most of the martial siblings have to go help the effort, though SQH is not one of them because the sect does have to keep running while everyone's gone. He’s helping SQQ double check that the Qing Jing supplies are up to par and he can tell SQQ is nervous because he's even more snappy and irritable than usual. Finally, SQH turns to him and says with certainty, “It will be fine, shixiong. You will be fine, Yue-shixiong will be fine, Liu-shidi will downright thrive.”

SQQ: Who’s worried about that meathead?

SQH: I’m just saying.

SQQ: …You’ve had a vision

SQH: Sure

SQQ asks for details and SQH admits YQY will have to unsheathe his blade but he will survive and his newly earned renown will really boost the sect’s own reputation once he becomes Sect Leader. Suspicious about the way SQH says that, SQQ prods about casualties. SQH admits that they will be ascending as Peak Lords very soon though he doesn’t elaborate on who it is specifically because “Knowledge of the future is a heavy weight to bear, shixiong.”

SQQ: What, you think I’m too weak to know?

SQH: I didn’t say that. I know exactly how strong you are and I admire you, but…I wouldn’t wish this burden upon anyone else, shixiong. Not truly. It’s dangerous and disheartening. People shouldn’t be privy to their fate. It’s unnatural.

SQQ lets it go because SQH looks abnormally intense as he talks about how he views his gift, but it does leave him thoughtful about just what kind of futures SQH foresees.

Anyways, the Sect Leader gets fatally injured in the battle, and the Peak Lords ascend hastily before he can actually die so that they can all pass on together. SQH finally succeeds in his longstanding mission, but he can’t say he’s thrilled about the promotion considering he has to really hit the ground running. An Ding can’t afford transition phases as things stand. So, he spends a month categorising which systems to keep, which to overhaul and how he’d overhaul them. All the staff is ruthlessly vetted, and he’s basically functioning as a one-man army just trying to keep on top of all the requests being sent his way too.

Needless to say, when he stumbles into the first official mandatory Peak Lords meeting, he looks like death itself. He’s straight up dissociating through most of it, only listening with half an ear when he’s directly addressed. He doesn’t even remember what he said when it was his turn to speak because he’s so out of it. At some point, he lifts his tea, misses his mouth and just pours it in his lap without blinking. SQQ watches him with equal parts clinical curiosity and disgust. The agenda is finished and it’s open floor for anyone who has anything extra to mention. Someone requests something from him and he nods along without really hearing it because if it’s not on paper, it’s not important right now.

Someone starts an argument and Qi Qingqi is being extra loud to be heard; they still haven’t been dismissed even though all of this is unnecessary and SQH has a killer migraine. He turns to god and prays for patience. SQQ, sitting next to him and listening, corrects him because he’s using the wrong phrase. “You mean strength,” he says.

SQH snorts and mutters under his breath, “If the gods gave me strength, Qi-shimei would be dead.”

In a room of Peak Lords, whispering is pointless. There is silence as everyone stares at an unusually vindictive SQH. QQQ looks baffled, affronted, and impressed simultaneously.

Then, LQG mutters, “I thought I was the only one he threatened like that.” He manages to sound both relieved and put out.

SQQ, like a shark smelling blood, turns to stare at him judgmentally and, in a condescendingly sweet manner, asks, “Is shidi upset about not getting special treatment anymore?” The provocation works, of course, and a new argument errupts.

SQH watches blankly, hands twitching to his sleeves where he keeps talismans, tired and unhinged enough to actually contemplate literally cursing his martial siblings when a pointed “Shang-shidi” draws his attention to YQY who smiles emptily and says, “No.”

”But, shixiong—”

”No.”

Then, one day, YQY, SQQ, SQH, QQQ and LQG are on their way back from some formal sect event or the other when they come across a growing mass of supernatural resentment flying right towards them. Naturally, as the ‘psychic’ SQH is looked upon to figure out what is going on. He’s reluctant to really get close and is kind of mumbling while he places diagnostic arrays, “Man it’d be convenient if you could just straight up tell me so we’d all save time.” The mass kind of pauses for a moment and then clears just enough for SQH’s more supernaturally attuned eyes to see.

”Su Xiyan?!!”

Su Xiyan the Bog Monster is clearly trying to tell him something but he’s not psychic enough for actual ghostly communication so it takes him a second to make out through the garbled moaning and pained shrieking that she says baby at some point. “Oh, Luo Binghe?” he says, happy just to have caught something. The Bog Monster projects surprise. The Peak Lords watch with dispassionate confusion.

“Yeah I know the whole story. Sorry about what happened to you by the way. I couldn’t really do anything to stop it unfortunately. Something about fixed points in fate that can’t be changed? Not that that’s like fair. To you, I mean.” Great now he feels guilty and SQQ has the creepy contemplative look in his eyes again. “So, how can I help you?”

More convoluted bog monster charades ensues. Finally, he guesses she wants him to go find LBH and take care of him because he’s just been orphaned. Again.

So, SQH turns to his fellow Peak Lords, shrugs at them, offers no other explanation and accepts that he’s about to change the fate of the world as he knew it. In the end, it’s maddeningly simple really. LBH is a tiny thing, all of seven years old, big eyes in a precious face framed by adorable curly hair. SQH tells him he’s an immortal master who knew his birth mother and LBH, after some explaining that his mom actually loved him and was forced to abandon him because she was dying, agrees to go with him. So, SQH is officially a dad now. Su Xiyan, satisfied that her baby is ok for good, lets go of her resentments and moves on to the afterlife.

SQH has the dubious honour of explaining to his martial siblings that he has adopted a half-demon child because his ghost mom asked him to, admitting to the full story of what actually happened between Su Xiyan and TLJ. Understandably, they’re shocked. There’s initially some questions about why SQH didn’t say anything sooner when an innocent Su Xiyan was imprisoned. SQH says that he couldn’t. SQQ deduces that his gift of foresight actually comes at a cost.

There’s no gift so there’s no real cost, but SQH isn’t above lying. He just openly says that if he tries to change certain things he knows of, it would cost him his life. He didn’t even want to come to Cang Qiong initially, but every time he even thought of changing his fate, he knew he’d die. He knew about YQY’s qi deviation before YQY had even become an inner disciple but again he couldn’t stop it. He hadn’t even thought of intervening in LBH’s fate because he’d assumed he couldn’t. He doesn’t know why he’s being allowed now.

SQQ catches onto the implication that LBH is important to fate somehow then, and SQH haltingly admits that, as far as he knew, LBH would have the power to end the world if he so wanted. If Cang Qiong looks after him and supports him though, they’d have all that power devoted to them. In the end it doesn’t take much convincing to be honest. LBH does have that white sheep protagonist halo thing going for him after all.

SQH ends up freeing TLJ, claiming that he’s just diverting the potential end of the world. TLJ is revived and told the full truth of what happened. He meets LBH who is very confused and very shy, but not averse. At least until he realises he might have to go away with TLJ at which he point he bursts into tears because he doesn’t want to leave SQH. Since TLJ is now stuck co-parenting, he agrees to a secret alliance with Cang Qiong and goes to make sure the demon realm hasn’t forgotten who’s boss.

LBH grows up in both realms, learning under LQG and his dad and fully coming into his own as a supremely powerful cultivator and heir to the demon throne. SQQ asks if SQH ever foresaw his own death and SQH admits that he did. He saw all of their deaths. SQQ asks if fate really can be changed to which SQH is happy to report that yeah, not everything is set in stone.

”And what do you see now?”

”Nothing actually. I haven’t had a vision in years.” Or ever.

”Doesn’t that make you nervous?”

”Everything makes me nervous, shixiong.” Pause. “But, this once, it’s not too bad. Not knowing what the future holds means that anything is possible.”

Fate will be what they make of it now, and this is just the beginning.

[fabled-fiction]

Temptations of the Wolf

Cregan Stark x Targaryen!Reader

Summary: Being a Targaryen meant sacrifice. Being a Stark meant sacrifice. Both these houses know the service of duty well. But when war is amiss, and two leaders of these respective houses meet to discuss allegiance, feelings for one another bubble to the surface and get in the way. Oh how the winds of war turn would be lover on would be lover.

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: MAYBE POSSIBLE SPOILER ISH FOR EP 1. Angst, Foribbiden-ish Love, Use of (Y/N), proof read only by author.

A/N: I AM A HOTD TV SHOW PERSON ONLY!!! I did research on wikis to try and write Cregan correctly, however I am but a simple man that writes fanfiction, so mischaracterization isn't totally unavoidable. ENJOY!

A dragon does not get cold.

A dragon does not feel the cold as they have fire brewing under their scales, penetrating not only their bones but also their soul. The soul of a dragon is a fiercely burning one, said to run so hot that their touch alone melts the thickest of ice.

(Y/N) Targaryen knew of this fire better than any dragon. Or that is what the people of King’s Landing had quickly grown to best know them by. Growing up within the tense house of Targaryen, especially during war times, justly called for you to have more than just a spine of a predator.

To survive amongst dragons, you must be able to breathe their fire.

Making every other tense occasion feel as though you were walking on air.

Perhaps there was another reason as to why you felt no fear as you flew North. A reason that bore the Stark symbol.

That is why, as Polarxes rode through the winter chill, with the wind daring to snip at your skin you felt calm. At peace almost, even as the great Wall came into view.

It was realized that in order to keep the throne that was meant to stay in the hands of your brother Aegon, relations had to be made. Families and Houses had bent the knee for King Visery’s heir not long ago, and it was soon made apparent that your family would have to make the same bend the knee again for Aegon. Just to make sure that loyalties lied with the correct Targaryen.

Whilst you particularly did not care for such politics, or politics in general, your mother had other plans. Seeing as you and Aemond stood as…the most intimidating of the family it was an easy decision to send the both of you out to ensure alliances were made and pacts bonded.

You knew that the decision to send you to the Wall was laced with more than just truce in mind. Your mother was a cunning woman, and recalled the times that whenever the Starks came to make your acquaintance you favored the nip of the cold family over the burning of the dragon pit. The touch of their ice, and the gaze of one particular wolf.

As your dragon landed, her talons digging in to break, you took a moment to yourself to feel the snowflakes rest on your warm cheeks and melt into the white of your roots. The cold felt nice on your skin that had grown used to the humidity of King’s Landing. To feel at ease in your skin, to have even the opportunity to cool off was an unknown blessing of this trip.

“I hope the ride here was not too tiresome for your dragon here, the winds can be quite hard in preparation for the change of season.”

Looking down at the boy, who looked no older than four and ten years of age, you smiled as you slid off your dragon with ease. She shook her head in response, her ivory scales offering her a sort of camouflage to the elements around her as she settled down. The heat of her breath alone melted whatever ice laid around her, the rest becoming swept up as her wings folded in. 

Whilst you looked at her with admiration, you could tell that this was the first dragon the boy had ever seen. It was a mix of awe and fear that flooded his eyes, which you did not doubt also kept him frozen still in fear of her eating him to remain warm.

“Do not worry about her, she is not the dragon that will eat you alive should you make one wrong move.”

A wolf does not get cold.

A wolf does feel the cold because the wolf knows how to bear the frigid winds. Their fur having grown to shift with the winds that come with winter. They stand strong against the chill of winter, and stand headfast at the front of the storm. 

The gaze of a wolf alone makes one question whether or not the storm bends to the wolf’s howl.

Cregan Stark knew that his house would come to be called upon soon enough. That is what comes with the winds of war. He just never felt bothered enough to actually busy himself with the calls of the storm.

But it became increasingly hard to ignore as a dragon landed at the gates of the Wall.

Especially when it was a dragon he recognized, that held a rider that had occupied his mind in the dark of the night as he stared into a fireplace. The lick of flames taunting him the same way a certain Targaryen had whenever in their presence.

He had begun to regret not knowing what exactly this storm of war would make him face.

The warmth of a Targaryen was hard to ignore, it made the men wish for the comfort of home as they were reminded of just how cold winter really was when left in their absence. A reaching hand hoping to grasp onto the hearth that was your soul. 

Even as he looked up toward the wall, the announcement of your presence was made when he felt sweat beghin to build on the back of his neck.

Turning towards you he noticed the sea of men that had parted to make a runway for you,almost as if they were presenting you to him. Or maybe it was the other way around as he noticed the way your predatory gaze ate up every inch of him.

He should have felt intimidated just by that alone.

You stood there before him, adorning only the one coat that seemed to mock the furs that he had adorned in order to retain even a fraction of the heat that you held onto. Your head was held high as you looked upon the Stark, giving him the smallest courtesy bow as your hand reached to shake his. He should not have been so eager to be in your presence upon the precipice of war.

Cregan Stark was no fool, he knew the reason for your visit. But still, appearances seemed to be becoming more and more important in this age.

“Lord Stark, I hope I am not intruding? There were some important business I’d like to discuss and well…dragons are faster than ravens.”

He offered you a curt smile as he stood to his full height, hoping to give himself an advantage on the conversation. Or at the very least to provide some distance to distract from the pit that had been lit a flame from your very speaking of his name.

“You’re not intruding in any way. Would you like to take this discussion somewhere more private, if the matter happens to be so important?”

You were not used to the Northern accent. The regality of the South had become your norm as you dealt with many affairs there, instead of bending to the will of the many Lord and Lady that wanted an audience with the great Targaryen rulers of the day. Thus you were used to their customs, clothing and accents.

Everything about the North always took you by surprise, and assaulted every sense that you had.

Cregan Stark was no different. If anything he made the divide even more stark as you set your gaze upon him.

He stood tall, and unbroken as he looked at you. The Wolf of the North was everything that had been said about him. Tall, broad, strong…handsome. His steeled eyes locked you in your place almost instantly. You weren’t sure if it was because you feared a single wrong move from you would provoke the beast or because you wanted to soak in every minute of his undivided attention. Never had you met someone with the same resolve as you, nor the same gaze.

You knew now why people were so intoxicated by you.

He always had that effect on you.

Taking his hand, stepping onto the lift you couldn’t help but be drawn to the cold that laid on his hands. The chill that ran up your arm from his touch alone made you want to keep a harsh grip on his gloved hand.

When the both of you were locked in, it was only then did your hands regretfully break apart by the jostle of the cables.

“I’m sure you know why I have made the trip all the way out here?” 

“Was it not to take in the view atop the wall?”

The chuckle that left your lips resonated throughout the cart, it made Cregan want to fill a book with quips that would draw similar sounds out of you. He smiled to himself as the ride came to a halt, and the two of you made the trip to a balcony overlooking the edge of the forsaken wall.

“ While that is a plus, I have come here as a courier from the Queen Mother. Whilst I believe you are busy with the responsibilities of defending the South from that of which come from those blasted woods, it would shock me to find you do not know of the developing situation within my family?”

His suspicions were confirmed. While there was no doubt you had come to discuss the usurping of the throne, it lifted some weight off his shoulder to know that you had been the one to broach the topic first. For some…unknown reason he felt hesitant to the idea of bringing up a topic that would only bring a scowl upon your face. Or any topic for that matter that would cause a crease to form between the bridge of your gaze.

But upon the question he found that you were calm and collected. As if you had not just brought up the topic of a deed that often led to disorder amongst the throne and council. Many of the men that served the wall had been sent here for just the discussion of mutiny alone.

Your confidence alone shook him, and confused him at the same time.

“I’m sure even the farthest reaches have heard of your brother taking his seat upon the Iron Throne. I'm confused however on what this has to do with me?”

Taking your gloves off, Cregan watched as you placed your hands on the edge of the ice that formed this pocket amongst the wall. Your shoulders dropped along with your head as you took in a deep breath. It was interesting to take in your mannerisms when it was just him instead of him and an audience. You behaved…well like a dragon. A foreboding presence that did not easily reveal their intentions, a ticking trap of anguish and fire. A continuous stream of steam left your nostrils as you took a moment to contemplate.

The dread that spilled from your exhale had Cregan convinced there was something more amiss this meeting of allegiance. 

“I truly do not care of the affairs of my brother, he has rarely acted on his own accord. Thus why I am here, to gather support of others that will make sure whatever whims he does hold are defended from those that aim to make all of this harder than it has to be.”

Looking at the palm of your hand that had been grasping the ice with a fury, you noticed that it had only now just started to turn pink. Whereas you were sure if anyone else had dared to meet flesh with ice, it would be purple and dead by now. It was a calming reassurance to feel the calming touch of ice. When looking into Cregan eyes, you felt a similar calm as his brows furrowed into a look that resembled something of sympathy.

He understood more than anyone the weight of duty.

“If I may ask, it seems as if you do not have much desire in the battles that are brewing? So why come here to make a play with a house that is known to keep their oaths?”

Of course he knew the weight of duty. The Stark house was known to be one of the most noble houses when it came to keeping a promise. They had bent the knee for your half sister years ago, so why must you have come out all this way to try and turn their tides? You truly did not want to come out all this way, only making the trip at the request of your mother who had become a thorn in your side ever since you made your indifference to the throne known.

You knew coming out this way would not sway the Stark, but instead sway you. 

“Who wishes for war? Only mad men desire a battle that would take their life,” Taking a moment to compose yourself, you straightened your back.

“Which is exactly why I come in hopes that you share the same sentiment.”

Your eyes seemed to hold all the emotions of the seven kingdoms. Cregan took a moment to compose himself, and remind himself that he was the Warden of the North. He does not need to consult himself on ways to keep the blaze of your heart lit. He had a job, just as you had yours.

Which is why he felt himself faltering.

“A Targaryen that does not wish of war? You are a rarity amongst your family (Y/N).”

Your name should have felt foreign to say. It was not dressed with honorifics, and he meant it. The lack of title that came before your name was with the purpose of bringing this conversation down to a more personal level. 

He watched as you tensed with him saying your name. But he knew it was not in offense, he could never offend you. It was in realization of the fragility of this conversation.

His informality was sealed when he rested his hand on the small of your back. The both of you just took in the moment to look beyond the wall. Cregan knew that this simple action could warrant reaction from you, it would be justified for you to take his hand and his tongue for even speaking to you in such a casual way.

Instead you melted into his touch, turning to face him.

He took this as an invitation to invade your space once more, taking a step forward to move a piece of hair that threatened to obscure his view of you.

“You flatter me, Lord Stark. But a compliment such as that will only do so much to sway me. I was sent here for a reason.”

His title wavered on your tongue as you spoke to him. This just drew more a response from him as he did not move, humming almost in agreeance as his hand found its place on your cheek. For a moment he felt jealous of the leather that dressed his palm, for it had the honor of holding you truely.

“Hmm yes, you were sent here for a reason. But could there not have been another? One that you hold instead, that trumps the duty you feel to your house?”

He was always good at reading you.

Perhaps you should have felt unease in coming here, to think it would just be a simple trip to the Wall that would just lead you to return home with nothing but a word that the Starks were not aligned with your house.

You were blinded by the urge to see him, the want to make his acquaintance one more time before the realm tore itself apart. “Cregan…”

His name fell from your lips with a whisper, as if you were praying to the gods above to harden your resolve.

“Tell me the real reason you came here.”

He was incredibly close now, his presence shadowing over yours. He covered you in a shroud of snow, his touch almost paralyzing you as you remained locked in a fight of wills.

Who would win? The fearsome dragon or the unbending wolf?

“To speak with you. There are…alliances that need to be made in order to keep my family from tearing itself and the world apart.”

This earned a frown from him as he leaned even closer to you. He assaulted every sense you had now. His eyes burned into yours, rivaling your gaze as his scent came over you. There was a reason you favored the smell of leather and musk. It reminded you of him.

“Could you just this once make a decision that was not dictated by your family, but rather made in lieu of what you wanted?”

Your hand reached up to hold his wrist of the hand that grounded you. Your touch was searing, Cregan knew that had you touched his skin he was sure there would be a burn where you had touched him. And he would wear it with honor.

He wondered if a kiss from you would be just as searing. If steam would rise from the both of your lips as you became one.

The fan of your breath over his cheeks threatened the very resolve he was known for.

This very act alone could be considered taking a side. The both of you would seal your fate if you fell blindly into your passions right at this second. A thought crossed the wolf’s mind, how truly awful would it have been to give in, even for just a moment?

Your hand on his cheek, a mirror of his own action, made him clasp his eyes shut as a shaky breath escaped his own trembling lips. 

He looked beautiful, in this very moment, you thought.

The both of you were so close, the desire of one thing burning in your mind as you stared at him.

You were never one for politics, but could that argument alone be excuse enough to betray the whims of your family for a single kiss from a man that would stand against them?

You wished to lite his lips ablaze with the passion of your touch.

He wished to swallow the fire that burned in your throat.

A dragon does not feel the cold.

A wolf does not feel the cold.

But right in this very moment they both wished the winds would freeze them in place, if not to hold onto the memory for just a moment longer.

“Cregan..”

“(Y/N)..”

The side of his nose seemed to fit perfectly against yours as he leaned in. Your hand rested up against the nape of his neck perfectly, anchoring both of you in this stance. 

Just as the both of you felt a graze of the other, there was the annoyance of another made present.

The squealing of the lift cables broke the silence, and thus breaking the tender moment of the two of you.

It wasn't until they came to a halt did you finally step back, and Cregan was left to imagine the moment for only a second before opening his eyes to the reality of the situation.

“Lord Stark, Prince Jacaerys Velaryon of house Velaryon has arrived to speak with you.”

With a small huff of a laugh, you straightened your cloak and looked out over the wall once more. 

This would probably be the last time you saw winter…the snow…and him.

Feeling his hand grip your chin, making you face him you could only chuckle as you held his face again. Only this time with longing and remorse. You were already mourning any possibility you had with him, and he knew it too as he looked down at you.

“I wish it were that easy…”

Leaning forward, you played with fire one last time as your lips came to rest on the corner of his. It was a quick moment, only giving yourself enough of it for the small gesture. You knew if you lingered for even a moment the Northerner would take it upon himself to seize whatever he could. And then you truely would be gone to the whims of a lovely passion.

Pulling away, you watched as he held where you had kissed him, before breaking away from your eye as you made your way to the lift to leave him.

But when his hand found your wrist, you could feel the fire brimming in your throat.

“Just…think about what I said…before its too late.”

Looking over your shoulder, you couldn't help but take the moment to study his face. Commit it to memory. Perhaps that is truly what you came here for. Not some silly test of allegiance, for you already had that answer before you even mounted your dragon.

No…it was to take in one last memory of the cold.

[lovelywyenn]

“Demon Doll”

★Muzan Kibutsuji x demon fem!Reader★ Synopsis★Muzan hates when you play with his favorite toy★ Includes★Edging, clit rubbing, wet pussy, crying, slight objectification★ ★W.C★0.9k

“I-I’m sorry master” you sob, staring down at the demon between your legs. Muzan very rarely smiled but right now, his lips were curled into a sinister grin. It was like he got off on your fat tears. 

A wicked finger was rubbing on your clit. And he was so mean with it. Speedy fingers never even giving you a break from the incomprehensible pleasure. 

“Are you really sorry? Or are you just saying that because you got caught?”Muzan growls, slapping at your clit. He laughs at the way your hips jump. What a pathetic little thing you were.

“M Really sorry sir!”you whine, choking on a moan as he toyed with your pussy. He spelled his name on your clit, over, and over, and over again. As if you didn’t know your whole existence belonged to him already. 

Muzan just tsks at you, “first time walk in here and your playing with my favorite toy with our asking” he says, “and now you're lying to me”

“I usually kill people for touching what's mine you should feel lucky all I am doing is denying you release” he sneers. 

But of course you're barely listening, there wasn't a thought in that pretty little head of yours other than the excitement of feeling your peak grow close again. 

You whine as Muzan pulls his hand away from you, cleaning off his fingers against the side of your thigh. 

And all you could do was cry. Whimper as tears fell down your face and the ache in your clit got worse. You would have taken anything and everything at that point. Just something to take away the almost painful displeasure at this point. 

You had been here, in Muzan's quarters nearly all night. Ankles flailing near your ears, hands holding your legs in place on the underside of your knee. The limbs were shaky by now, you were shaky by now. Craving any form of release your master might have the kindness of granting you. 

But he didn't seem to have a kick of mercy for you in his blackened heart. 

No, the sight of you like this below him was exciting. 

You were his best girl, loyal from the day he had turned you. Anything he asked of you was done flawlessly and with our question. You held no struggle like others, your only goal to serve your master just the way Muzan liked. 

And you were a gorgeous little thing, a pretty doll with booming tits and an ass Muzan could bite on for hours. 

The man didn't have many rules for you. Most were generic. Pledge allegiance to him or you die…never say his name… blah blah blah. 

Only you had an extra rule to follow. Never touch his favorite toy with our permission. 

But what did he enter his quarters and see? His doll stuffing her cunt with fingers he knew would never reach as deeply as he could. A thumb swiping over your clit with strokes that could never be as practiced as his. 

By the looks of you, you had been trying to get yourself for a while. Probably frustrated that you could do it right. 

Muzan would never forget the look of fear in your sharp eyes when he caught you red handed, it left him straining against his slacks. 

And seeing you crying from actual hours of torture, being denied from what you were promised over and over again, wasn't making his pants any more comfortable. He had half a mind to feel bad, to rub you into a state of euphoria. But he couldn't do that. What lesson would you ever learn? 

You hiccup as Muzan presses a finger back on your clit. Rubbing the bud in the right circles that had your tears starting up all over again. Because you knew, you just knew the pleasure would disappear soon. At this point, you were sure you wouldn't get your release until the sun came up. 

As much as Muzan wanted to peer up at your weepy eyes, he couldn't stop staring at your crying cunt. Such a messy girl you were, slick sliding down his fingers, stringing along your folds as he spreads the juices leaking out of you all over. 

He loved the way your hole twitched, desperate to be filled with something, anything to fulfill the pit full of pleasure that had been built up over the night. 

And his resolve slowly let's up. Maybe your insubordination had a decent enough explanation. It had been a while since he had played with his doll. He had shown you real pleasure after all. Curled his fingers just deep enough within you, rubbed your clothes expertly. 

Of course your cunt had grown greedy, wanting to be stuffed the same way he did so. 

He could learn to forgive you, after maybe another hour or two. Then he'd bury his head between your thighs and miss after your cunt until you were begging for the pleasure to stop. 

But until then, he'd let you whine sorry after sorry. Going insane as you say the same thing over and over again just for the result to be the same. 

~ Kinktober Masterlist|2024

[gay-dorito-dust]

lmao this is my first time giving a request. Could you maybe do dick Grayson head cannons?

Most of these hdc come from my little brain that I thought fit Dick in general, it’s not based on stuff (some of them are but not all) if ppl agree or don’t agree, I couldn’t care less honestly. Also thanks for the request anon, hope you like it! 🫶

I know I write him as a little goofy goober but he tends to play up this character so that he doesn’t have to open up about anything. Is it foolproof? Not entirely and it solely depends on the person and their relationship to him,those of whom that pick up what he’s putting down, and those (you) who can easily see through this facade and know something is up.

He’s more often than not the type who will become more affectionate in private where it’s just you, him and Hayley. Dick doesn’t need anybody else other then you two, his confidants as he so playfully called you both one day, and he’s more then content then he’s ever been.

Older sibling syndrome is strong in this boy.

Foot wars are a common occurrence in your shared apartment as you push against the others foot with your own to see who’s going to be victorious, only for you to accidentally smack him in the face with your foot and the foot war becomes ten times worse, seeing as how as Dick often wins them more then you did.

He will never stop feeling guilty about Jason’s death. Never. That boy who was filled with love and life and claimed that being robin was magic was still within Jason somewhere, dick just knows this to be true, even if Jason loves to claims that that little kid was gone.

And while he’s glad that Jason is back in his life, dick couldn’t help but feel as though he could’ve done better by him at times, holding onto that guilt and shame for not being their for his brother that still killed him inside to this day whenever he saw Jason laugh and or smile at something. It hurts but Dick will never stop being in Jason’s corner, not once. If Gotham was against Jason then Dick will gladly be by Jason’s side, to show that his allegiance to his brother would outweigh a lot of things.

(I’m so normal about dick and Jason being brothers can’t you tell 🥲 leave me here and be delusional)

The same applies to Damian also, which is why your mostly acquainted with both Jason and Damian in comparison to the rest of his family because they often come over by pure coincidence, or because dick dragged them by their ears with a smile on his face.

Insists that you cling onto his legs while he does pull ups and or sit on his back while he does push ups as he lets you count.

Complains to you when he looses the nightwing look alike contest, and to Jason no less, which no one that knows him personally allows him to live down.

They (Tim and Stephanie) even make memes out of it.

Has Hayley as his Lock Screen, you as his Home Screen. Both wearing cute matching pyjamas. So when he’s on his phone people think he’s smiling at his picture of Hayley -which is true- but he’s also smiling at the picture of you also.

His family pester him about you a lot, even Bruce asks when he’s going to meet you, claiming he’s not going to get any younger should Dick hold back on introducing you to him.

Even Alfred gets in on this as well but Dick always has an excuse locked and loaded when these questions are asked, but even he knows that Bruce knows that it’s all bullshit, however he doesn’t say anything outright incase Dick didn’t feel comfortable introducing you to them yet.

Wears only boxers to sleep or boxers and a light blue shirt, it depends on what he’s feeling really.

Loves living in the moment with you as you enjoy the others company without feeling the need to fill the air with chatter, you could just both exist and still love each other regardless because Dick didn’t feel the need to talk all the time, so moments like these were what he longed for most.

Ungracefully fell on his ass in fuzzy soaks once and hurt his tailbone in the process. It was funny until he asked to you put a bag of ice on the afflicted area.

Loved narrating what you and or Hayley do in a goofy voice that never fails to make you smile.

Doesn’t open up immediately but once he does it’s a sign of trust. He admits to his flaws in past relationships and how he wasn’t the most faithful and often saw commitment as a challenge. He understands if you see that as a sign to leave the relationship, he doesn’t expect anything from you, but if you did stay then he’s more then happy to not repeat those mistakes in your relationship.

Knows that people see Bruce when they look at him, he expects it because after being with him as long as he has it was only logical that he picked up some habits along the way whether he liked it or not.

Has a big heart but claims that Jason’s heart was twice as big because he’s so full of love and believed in love.

[thrashkink-coven]

Ended up renewing my vows with Lucifer today! I was gonna do it tomorrow (Venus Day) but I’m gonna be working and might not have the time to do it properly. I felt his presence a lot today and felt now was the right time.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions from you guys about how to make a contract with a deity, or what my contract looks like, so I figured now would be a good time to make a post about it. Some specific details will obviously be left out, in particular I’m not going to be providing my entire initiation ritual. This is just the general outline of my contract.

My Contract with Lord Lucifer

In the initiation ritual I did this process backwards, starting with bounds, then terms of service, and finally concluding with the oath. I sealed my contract with a personal sigil, a kiss, and blood. It’s up to you how you’ll seal your contract.

Oath of the Initiate.

My personal oath is based on a pact written by Kindra Ravenmoon in her Devotionals to Lucifer.

Pledge:

“I, veneficus [your chosen name], hereby scribe my name into the Holy tablet of Venus, the Black Book of Lucifer, and in turn, I scribe his name on my flesh, Lord Atshtari Luciferi. For you, Light Bringer, I pledge myself to the path of Enlightenment, the Internal Flame of Godhood, of Blood, of Thorns, of Shadows, the crooked left path that leads to the Truest Self. I, now and forever, will be under Lucifer’s light, no other God shall come before He. To Venus, to Lucifer, I pledge myself, I shall accept his gifts along with the challenges He has sent for me. Lord Eosphoros is my God! Every path I have taken in the past has lead me into his welcoming arms. I will serve Lord Lucifer with my whole mind, body and soul, my existence is a temple in which he is glorified. I swear to give my full allegiance to Lucifer and to accept his wisdom without hesitation. I am a faithful servant unto his majesty. A soldier of his principles. I am his dear beloved child and holy disciple, forever I shall be a testament of his wonders. If I ever betray this oath, I hearby declare that I shall be cast away into the darkness of oblivion, never to see the glorious light of Truth again.

My soul is sacred and beautified with the loving mark of Venus. With signing the Light Bringer and the Dark Lord’s book, I dedicate myself to freedom. I am the bearer of the Blackened Flame, the gift of Lucifer and the shadow path. This veneficus steps through the Gates of Becoming, the Gates to His Kingdom. I pledge myself to this oath of secrecy and of loyalty to Ashtari Luciferi and will forever dedicate myself to His Great Work. I hereby am the dear devotee and eternal initiate of the Liberator, Lord Lucifer.”

[*Sign Name*]

Ave Lord Lucifer! Hail thyself forever more!

The laws:

After each declaration a ring of a bell can occur, or the initiate can repeat the affirmation: “I do, Forever and always, in the name of Lord Lucifer.”

*Never shall the initiate place themselves lower than any man nor God. By the signing of this pact, he has affirmed his sovereignty.

(“I do, forever and always, in the name of Lord Lucifer”)

*The initiate must always fight to uphold the principles of freedom, knowledge enlightenment, and liberation. They must dedicate their life to freeing the oppressed and uplifting the down trotted, they must always seek wisdom and to expand their understanding of the world and themselves. The initiate turns his back to ignorance and misinformation, for he is now a truth seeker. The intimate must dedicate himself to radical education.

*The initiate must love humanity and embrace it with radical empathy. Even when mankind is cruel and wicked, the initiate must always fight for love and freedom. The initiate may never hold a view that is discriminatory or hateful towards humanity.

*The initiate must never choose cruelty. They must be willing to defend themselves and others from evil without becoming evil themselves.

*The initiate must never perform any act which causes intentional harm to oneself.

*The initiate may never hide anything from his Lord Lucifer, for he knows that the light of Eosphoros reveals everything. There is no path that the initiate will walk alone.

*The initiate’s body is a temple of Luciferian gnosis. Never shall the initiate allow this body to be disrespected or defied for the benefit of others.

*The initiate is a liberator of natural world. He must always protect the principles of Mother Nature and all of Her creatures and wonders. Never shall the initiate disrespect the beautiful planet and home he has been given. If the initiate uses the natural world as sacrifice in magical workings, he must do the least amount of harm possible, and give back in equal or greater fold to what he has taken.

*The initiate respects all of Lucifer’s spirits of Hell and Heaven.

*The initiate may never use these gifts received from his Lord Lucifer to harm the innocent or to disgrace the honest.

*The initiate must understand that they are deserving of luxury, as they are the precious child of Lord Lucifer whom he holds dear. They must treat themselves as a valuable treasure deserving of the finest things in life. They will never allow themselves to be mistreated. They will never disrespect their own boundaries.

*The initiate must have great humility and be willing and ready to change. The intimate must admit his mistakes and dedicate himself to becoming a better person.

*The initiate will allow his Lord Lucifer to burn away all that does not serve him. He will walk though the flames and emerge a diamond of Luciferian gnosis.

*The initiate will always continue to explore himself in all ways, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually.

[*Sign Name*],

“I do, forever and always, in the name of Lord Lucifer.”

Terms of Service ~ Contract of Consent

This is where Lucifer outlines all of his expectations for me and the perimeters for our relationship.

When you call me, I will answer. I will never forsake you.

When I speak you will listen. When you speak, I will listen.

You will make your own decisions. I will advise you.

I will protect you. You will honour me. As I will keep you with me, you will keep me with you.

I will never hurt you. I will never be cruel towards you.

You will be tested. You will be forced to change your mind.

I will lead you. I will teach you. You will follow me. You will learn.

You will accept what you are given. I will give you what you deserve.

I will reward you for good behaviour, I will punish you for bad behaviour.

I will be gentle and careful with your body. I will love you as you prefer.

You will receive my approval when opening the circle to any other person or spirit. Your relationships with other spirits may not contradict or disrespect your relationship with me.

You may call me whichever name feels right to you.

[In some relationships, only honourifics, (Lord, Lady) are used.]

I will never lead you astray. You will trust in my direction.

If ever we are separate, you will search for my Light.

You will never be forced to worship me, but you must promise to worship yourself.

We will always communicate with each other.

I will respect your boundaries. You will head my command.

I will love you through all of your mistakes. You will always be perfect to me.

[*Sign name*], I do, forever and always.

Bounds

Here is where I outline all of my boundaries for Lucifer to follow.

Never will Lord Lucifer overstep my bodily autonomy without consent. Never will he take possession over me without my permission.

[Here is where you would specify how comfortable you are with having your body manipulated]

Our craft requires no harm to any living animal or human being.

[Here is where you would specify if you are comfortable performing animal sacrifice, herbal sacrifice, etc.]

Lord Lucifer will never harm anyone dear to me without my explicit intention and permission.

[Here is where you would specify your boundaries surrounding other people in your life]

My relationship with Lord Lucifer may never contradict or disrespect the relationship I have with my human partner(s), [*full name(s)]

I will offer blood, tears, hair, semen, and other DNA to Lucifer through the least harmful method possible whenever I feel called to. I will never be forced to offer if I do not have the means, either practically, mentally, or emotionally.

[Here is where you would outline whether you are comfortable giving blood or other bodily offerings, how often these offerings will be given, and the methods that’ll be used to provide these offerings]

I will give my pleasure and sexual gratitude to Lord Lucifer as an offering whenever I feel called to. I invite Lucifer to use my sexual energy in workings and in the ritual space for manifestation or communication.

[Here is where you would specify if you are comfortable with doing sex magic or giving sexual offerings, and how often this will occur.]

I will wear my devotional jewelry and markings for Lord Lucifer and make him aware before taking them off. I will respect and cherish my devotional wears and keep them in good condition. I will not allow others to wear or handle my devotional jewelry, with the exception of my human partner, [*full name*].

[Here is where you establish if there are any rules regarding devotional jewelry or tattoos]

Lucifer is encouraged to contact me in my dreams and in trances.

[Here is where you would specify if you are comfortable being contacted while unconscious or between states of consciousness without first giving explicit permission]

Lucifer is encouraged to touch my energetic and physical body or otherwise provide me with physical sensations an visualizations in the ritual space.

[Here is where you specify how much physical touch is appropriate for your relationship]

Lucifer may call me by chosen name, [*name], as well as any other terms of endearment he may use to refer to me.

[Here is where you specify if it’s appropriate to for them to call you your common name, a special or secret name, or something more formal]

Lucifer will not force me through any test he does not believe I am ready for.

Lucifer will protect my lover and those who are dear to me.

[Here is where you specify if there are any specific people you’d like Lucifer to look out for]

Never will I reveal the details of our relationship or workings without explicit permission from Lord Lucifer.

[Here is where the rules about the secrecy of your practice are established. Some spirits will demand that you do not share anything you do with them.]

I will love myself as I have loved Lord Lucifer.

[*Sign Name*], I do, forever and always.

Ave Lord Lucifer! ✴️Hail Thyself! 🔱

[sanguineterrain]

redamancy | steve harrington

Summary: redamancy (n.) - the act of loving someone who loves you back; a love returned in full // or, four times you kissed Steve Harrington, and one time he finally kissed you back.

Pairing: Steve Harrington x fem!reader

Word count: 5.2k

Warnings/tags: friends to lovers, 5+1 fic format, no use of y/n, FLUFF, PINING PINING, injured s4 steve, hospital setting, general vecna angst (eddie's alive bc i will never kill eddie in my fics), bed sharing, happy ending, and kissing. if that wasn't clear. :)

A/N: fun fact: this is the first time i've written a 5+1 fic! technically it's 4+1 but whatevs. if you enjoy this fic, please give it a reblog and support your local steve harrington tumblrina.

divider by firefly-graphics

i. the promise 

"Would you ever get married?" 

You open your eyes. The setting sun nearly blinds you through the windshield. Immediately, you stick out a hand to block it. 

You're still reclined all the way back in the passenger seat, because Steve's fancy schmancy BMW can do that. He frequently lectures you about doing it while he's driving. Have I taught you nothing? Road safety! 

"I mean, I guess so," you say. "If someone ever wants to put a ring on me."

You sit up and pull down the sun visor. Steve turns. His hair lightens in the summer, shades of reddish blond peeking through. He insists his hair has never been anything but brown, fiercely pledging his allegiance to brunettes. You coo at his highlights all the same. 

"I want to," he says after a minute. "I wanna get married." 

You're parked down the block from your house. You should've gotten out ten minutes ago, but there's never any rush when you're with Steve.

"The line to wed you will be out the door, champ," you say around a grin. 

"Hm. I dunno." He stretches in his seat. "Maybe if I was the same guy I was a few years ago." 

You wrinkle your nose. "I doubt that."

"But what can I really offer?" he continues. "I'm just some guy who can't get into college."

"That doesn't mean no one will marry you. Some people who go to college are dumber than dirt. They get married. College has nothing to do with it. You can go, if you really want to. One rejection doesn't say anything about you, Steve." 

"I guess."

You pull the lever on the side. The seat shoots up with a brrrap! It clicks as you straighten. 

"Where did all this come from, anyway?" you ask. 

Steve shrugs. "Just thinking."

"Dangerous."

He smiles. "I like to live on the edge."

"Contemplating marriage like the world's biggest sap. Definitely edgy."

Steve hums. His hands are in his lap. He picks at a cuticle, a habit he’s recently developed. You wonder why he’s so anxious. 

"Two people from our graduating class got married last week."

Your eyes widen. "You're kidding."

"Nope. Lisa Schell and Gary Brewer." 

"Wait, didn't she cheat on him?"

"Yeah, but he slept with her sister, so I guess they called it even."

You shake your head. "That's insane. They're literally babies, Steve. That's like Dustin getting married."

Steve scowls. "He's not allowed to get married before me." 

"Not even to his possibly fictional Suzie?" 

"Not even to her."

You stare at the freckles on Steve's face and how his frizz kind of looks like a halo in the light. You imagine the feel of his hair in your hands, the warmth of his scalp.

"I'd marry you," you say. 

Steve's eyebrows shoot up. 

"What?"

"Like, if you were in a pinch."

He looks at you sideways. You flatten, then scrunch your hands over your knees. Your tongue feels too big for your mouth. 

"I'm talking about spending the rest of my life with someone, you know. Not borrowing fifty bucks."

"Fifty bucks is a lot of money for some of us, Harrington."

"That’s probably how much Lisa's wedding dress cost."

"I hope she kept the receipt."

Silence descends. A soft breeze blows through your cracked window. You want to search Steve's glove box for gum, but you've just told him you'd marry him, so you can't do anything except think about the fact that those words came out of your mouth. 

"Are you…" Steve begins, then pauses. "Why did you say that?"

"Because you're worried, for some incomprehensible reason, that no one will marry you."

"I scoop ice cream for a living."

You level him with a look. 

"Steve. We're kids. Cut yourself some slack."

His eyes turn hollow. They've been doing that lately. You wish you knew why. 

"I don't really feel like a kid these days," he says. 

Something about the way Steve sounds makes you want to climb over the console and curl into him, cradle his head to your neck. Which is crazy. You guys don't do that. Steve isn't yours to do that with. 

"Let's make a pact," you say softly. 

He meets your eye. "A pact?"

"Mmhm. Let's say if both of us aren't married by… thirty, then we'll get married."

"Well, I don't want a pity marriage." 

You roll your eyes. "It's not a pity marriage, Steve."

"Thirty is so late! You really think I won't be married by then?" he asks. 

"No, I don't think that. I already said folks will be lined up to marry you," you say. 

"I can't wait till I'm thirty." 

"Or you'll turn into an old maid?" 

"Meh meh meh," he mocks without any heat. 

You purse your lips so you don't smile. "Fine. We'll split the difference. Twenty-four?"

Steve considers that. Really considers it. It suddenly occurs to you what you're promising and who you're promising it to. You wonder if you'll both forget about it. Or brush it off. Oh, what did we know? We were kids!

Except Steve doesn't feel like a kid. And maybe you don't either, as much as you wish you do. 

"Do you mean it?" he asks. 

"Of course I do."

"No, seriously." He's serious. "I mean it, so if you don't…"

"Steve, I said I mean it. I do."

"You'll marry me?"

"I will."

"Swear on it."

You hold out your right pinkie out, waiting. Steve hooks his finger over yours. Impulsively, you kiss your linked pinkies. To show that you really, truly mean it.

You try to picture it. What walking down the aisle to meet Steve at the altar would feel like. You wonder if he'd keep his hair long, like it is now. You like it long. Would he keep it long for you?

"Will you buy me a ring?" you ask. "If we get married, I mean."

"Of course I'd buy you a ring," Steve says. "I'd get you anything you wanted."

"Okay." Your heart hammers in your chest. "I'm gonna go home."

"Alright. Want me to pull up to the door?"

"No, it's fine. Walking is good for digestion. Those milkshakes were no joke."

Steve smiles. He has such a lovely smile. His Cupid's bow is shaped exactly like a heart. 

"Same time tomorrow? It's movie night." 

Right. Your movie night. A semi-regular occasion that includes you, Steve, Robin, and the kids, sometimes. You've watched at least a dozen movies this summer together. Only this time, you're watching a movie after promising to marry Steve. 

"Sounds good," you say. "Will you pick me up?"

"Always."

Another promise. You hadn't realized how many Steve makes to you. 

"'Kay. See you."

You get out. Steve waves as he pulls away from the curb. 

Your ring finger feels bare. You rub it, hoping the feeling will go away. 

ii. the wound 

The plastic chair has turned your legs numb. Your butt is about to follow. 

Can butts go numb? You're not sure. You'll find out soon, though. 

You rub your eyes. God, you need sleep. 

Across the room, you catch Joyce Byers' gaze. She smiles at you, though it's brittle. You try to smile back, feeling distinctly like you might break if you stretch your mouth too far. 

She looks away, and your not-smile falls. 

"They'll let us in soon," she says, like she knows. She does know. Better than you, certainly. 

The hospital smells cold. It smells like a place people go to die. 

Your heartbeat ratchets. You shouldn't think like that. 

"You don't understand," comes Dustin's voice. He's at the receptionist's desk, flanked by Mike and Lucas. Dustin's face is red and blotchy, near tears. 

"I need to see him. You won't let me see Eddie, so—" 

The receptionist rears back, like she can't believe three children are daring to speak to her. 

"Neither patient is cleared for visitors," she says icily. "Now, for the last time: have a seat."

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Joyce begin to stand, ready to herd the kids away. You beat her to it. Out of everyone in this room, you're probably the only person who has the strength to stand. 

"Guys, c'mon. It won't be long." 

They don't look at you. You don't take it personally. An hour earlier, you'd cornered Dustin and forced him to tell you what happened. What's been happening. 

So he did. And now you're here. 

You don't blame them for glaring at the prickly receptionist. But you know that won't do anything. It won't heal Steve quicker. And it won't make anybody feel better. 

"Hey, Dustin." You lay a hand on his shoulder. He looks at you like you're not Steve. You wish it was you in surgery instead. 

"Come sit," you say. 

"I need to see him," he tells you. 

"I know." Your throat tightens, threatening to trap your words altogether. You rush to get the rest out. "I do too. But this isn't going to make that happen faster. Come sit with me. Okay?"

"He'll be fine," Mike says quietly. "They don't wanna get sued by his asshole dad."

You nod, because yeah, good point. Quite possibly the first time Richard Harrington has brought anybody comfort. He's in Cancun, last you'd heard. You hope he chokes on a margarita. 

Dustin follows you. Mike and Lucas sit next to Joyce. The five of you wait. 

At some point, you fall asleep. When you wake up, it's to the contentious receptionist peering over you all. 

"Mr. Harrington is awake," she says primly. "You may see him now, young man."

Dustin flies out of the chair, Lucas and Mike at his heels. 

A part of you wants to go home, and you feel terrible for it. You feel terrible that Steve almost died, but you're the frightened one. You don't know if you can bear to see him tied to tubes and a heart monitor.

"Go on."

Joyce tracks you sleepily. Her hair is more knotted than before you fell asleep. She nods to the hallway. 

"Go see him."

You can’t voice every thought, every fear. I don’t know if I can see him like this.

“It’s good he won’t wake up alone,” she says.

“He’s got a family.” You wave your hand weakly. 

Joyce watches you for a moment. Then she gets up.

"Yes, he does." 

She holds out her hand. 

You don’t know Joyce Byers very well. This is probably the longest conversation you’ve had with her. You realize, then, that you're wrong—you’re not the one who’s strong enough to stand.

“Let’s go see him,” she says. "All of his loved ones should be there." 

God, are you really that obvious? 

You take her hand, and the two of you go down the hall.

Steve is nearly unrecognizable in the hospital bed. The kids are speaking to him, unusually quiet. They look up when you enter. 

Steve’s eyes lock with yours. 

“Hey,” is all you say.

“Hi,” he says, voice rough with disuse and getting choked by what Dustin had described as demon bats. 

“Boys, come on,” Joyce calls. “Let’s make a cafeteria stop.”

You see Dustin about to protest, but Lucas tugs his arm like he knows, and goddamn, you really are that obvious, aren’t you? 

You wait for the door to close behind you. Then you walk to Steve’s side. 

The gnarled ring of flesh around his neck makes you queasy. The rest of him isn’t much better, red and purple smeared across any skin that’s not covered by the chalky hospital gown.

You sit in the chair. It’s the same plastic kind as the ones in the waiting room, but this one doesn’t feel so hard.

“Robin called me,” you say.

Steve closes his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you’d better be.” Your voice cracks. “Can’t believe you went dimension-surfing without me.”

“You’re mad at me.”

Your breath is punched out of you. 

“No,” you say softly. “My God, Steve. I’m not mad at you.”

His hand creeps to the edge of the bed. His fingers are scraped.

You take his hand and lace your fingers together. He slow-blinks. He’ll probably fall asleep in the next half hour. 

“It’s okay if you are,” he whispers. “Mad, I mean. I’d be mad too.”

You know he wouldn’t be, though. You know Steve would forgive you in a heartbeat.

“I’m not mad,” you say, equally as quiet. “I just… I was scared." 

He nods. "I'm sorry for scaring you." 

You bow your head and close your eyes. When Robin had called, you'd run to the bathroom and coughed up stomach acid.

They say he’ll make it, she'd told you, and you'd realized with violent clarity that you love him. 

But Steve doesn't need that right now. So you bury it.

You lean in and bring Steve's knuckles to your lips, taking care not to jostle him.

His eyes widen. Part of you hopes he won’t remember this conversation.

"Don't do that again," you say. “Not without me.”

"Okay,” he whispers. “I won't." 

You wait until he falls asleep, hand in his. 

iii. the brand

“There’s no way I’m getting in your death van, Munson!” Robin whines.

“Death van is an exaggeration, Buckley. If anything, it’s a life van. I’m still here, aren’t I?” Eddie asks.

“Definitely not because of that heap of metal,” Steve murmurs to you. You snicker.

It’s nearly dark, but a summer dark, where it doesn’t actually turn to night until well after nine PM. The top two buttons of Steve’s dress shirt are undone, and you can’t stop staring. It’s embarrassing, really. You’d nearly missed Eddie’s walk across the stage because of that damned triangle of tanned skin and dark chest hair.

“Why can’t we take the station wagon?” Robin asks. 

“I think Nancy already left,” you say. “Sorry, Rob.” 

“And I’ve put my car jacking days behind me,” Eddie announces, flinging his arms out. “So my van it shall be!”

Robin whips her head around to glare at Steve. 

“This is your fault,” she accuses scathingly.

“Me?!”

“You just had to go and get a flat tire yesterday.”

“Yeah, Steve,” you add cheekily. “Why couldn’t you have foreseen the dreaded timeline where Eddie drives?”

“Et tu?” Eddie asks. “I’m hurt. I’m a great driver, y’know. Better than Steve, some have told me.”

“Dustin only told you that ‘cause you were high on morphine and about to burst into tears,” Robin says.

As they bicker, Steve draws closer, so your arms brush. You close the distance, crowding him.

“Y’okay?” he asks quietly.

“Yes,” you say, startled. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just checking.”

“Are you okay?”

He turns to you. He looks like he’s searching for something. You don’t know what.

“Yeah,” Steve says after a minute. “I am. Better than, actually.”

“‘Cause I’m here, right?” you ask with a gooey grin.

“Yeah. ‘Cause you’re here.”

He sounds honest, so you turn away, because you can’t handle that and his chest hair. 

"I should get to choose where we go," Robin says as you arrive at Eddie's van. "Since it may be our last trip and all."

"Funny you were in Band and not president of the drama club, Buckley," Eddie says dryly. 

"Pot, kettle."

"How 'bout Rita's?" you suggest. "Unlimited refills and no one will hassle Eddie."

"Aw, you care about little ol' me?" Eddie asks. 

"If you get us there in one piece, yes."

Eddie huffs. "No wonder you and the Hair are like this." He crosses his fingers. 

"Damn right," Steve says. "We even finish each other's—"

"Terribly cliche sayings!" you say. 

Robin looks at you for a moment, unusually smirky. Then she looks at Steve. 

"You match. Blue dress, blue tie."

"That's so if she gets lost, they know who to return her to," Steve says. 

You scoff. "More like the other way around." 

He pouts. "Hey."

"Hay is for horses," you sing, skipping ahead to Eddie's van. 

"I'm sorry, are you excited to ride in the Hell Van?" Robin asks. 

You shrug. "We could use some excitement around here, couldn't we?"

"No!" all three say.

"I've had enough excitement for ten lifetimes," Robin mutters. 

Eddie pulls the door open. Your smile quickly drops. 

"Uh, Eddie? Where the fuck are the seats?"

"Right, so, usually I only have Gareth and Jeff ride with me. Gareth always calls shotgun—"

"Shotgun!" Robin hollers, and races to the front seat. 

You stare at the single backseat chair. There's no way it's big enough for you and Steve. 

"Holy shit," Steve says, taking stock of the "backseat."

Eddie rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah… listen, if I'd known we'd be taking her, I would've put the other seat in, swear! Usually we take it out for the equipment." 

"Well, what are we supposed to do? Lay down and pray? This is how people get head injuries, Eddie," you say, arms folded. 

"Maybe we can call a cab," Steve suggests. 

"At this hour?" You shake your head. "No way. This isn't Indianapolis."

"Oh my God." Robin groans. "The solution is so obvious. Sit on Steve's lap. Boom. Now come on, I'm starving."

You tense. Steve is tactile, sure, and you've become acclimated to that over the years. 

But this? This is way, way beyond that. 

"Uh…" Steve glances at you. "Do you… I mean, if you don't mind?"

You glance at Eddie, who's got the tiniest smirk. You glower and he clears his throat, hiding his mouth behind a lock of hair. 

"I don't mind," you say, more confident than you feel. "It's a short drive."

Eddie nods. "Definitely. I'll step on it."

"Please don't step on it," Robin calls. "We're already chancing fate by letting you drive in the first place."

Eddie huffs, walking to the driver's side. "Y'know, Buckley, you are just…"

You look at Steve. He smiles at you, sweet as always. 

"This isn't gonna aggravate any injuries, right?" you ask. "Me… sitting on you?"

You wince at the wording. 

"No, should be fine. My PT gave me the all clear a month ago."

You nod tightly. "Right. Okay. You go first."

Steve climbs in, planting his feet on the floor. You go next, stooping in front of him. You catch each other's gaze for a moment. Then you laugh, suddenly trying to look anywhere but at Steve. 

"Right, so I'll just…"

You slide onto Steve's lap, trying to hold some of your weight so you won't crush him. He splays an easy hand over your belly and leans over to pull the van door shut. Your heart thunders in your chest. 

"You can sit back, y'know," he says, breath tickling your ear. "’M not made of glass."

"Didn't want your legs to go numb," you joke weakly. 

Steve makes an unhappy noise and tugs you back so you're fully seated on him. You angle yourself so you can look at him. Steve looks up at you, lightly tracing a pattern on your hip. Like you do this all the time. 

"Hi," you say, too jittery to crack another joke. 

Steve smiles gently. "Hey."

His tone is fond. You feel sick. 

"Everybody good?" Eddie asks. 

He adjusts the rear view mirror and you watch his eyebrows shoot up in the reflection. 

"You two look cozy."

"Shut the fuck up, Munson," you mumble. "Just drive, already." 

Eddie giggles like a gremlin in reply and turns the ignition.

It’s not bad, at first. Eddie takes it easy driving through Hawkins. Part of it is because he doesn’t want to attract attention. The other part is that Hopper promised Eddie a night in jail if he caught him running the stop signs again. 

You personally think it’s a bluff. Robin does not; she’s enthusiastically annoying about road safety, and points out every single sign and red light. This causes Eddie to start slamming the breaks in retaliation. 

“Holy fuck!” you yelp when Eddie hits the breaks particularly hard. “Eddie!”

Steve is quick to tug you backwards, considering you’re not belted. You scramble to grab his shoulders and twist to look at him.

“Thanks,” you say breathlessly.

He smiles, then leans away, glaring at the front.

“Really, Munson?”

“She started it!” Eddie insists. “Blame your BFF!”

“Can you drive like someone who doesn’t have a death wish?” Robin shoots back.

Steve’s hands are now on the small of your back and on your hip, respectively. Your legs hang over the side of the carseat, butt nestled quite firmly on his thighs. 

God, you’re never living this down. 

“Y’okay?” 

Steve’s breath in your ear makes you squirm. You turn to look at him.

“Fine,” you murmur. “I’m not crushing you, am I?”

“No,” he says. “Don’t worry.”

Eddie breaks again, harder than before. You slip. 

Steve reacts instantly, his hand grabbing the meat of your thigh. Your dress rides up, so it’s skin on skin. 

The momentum is worse, however, because you jerk back. Right into Steve’s face.

Your nose mashes into his, which isn’t great. But then, your lips smush against his cheek. When you pull back, there’s a smeared lipstick print.

Maybe you’re the one with a death wish.

Robin is screeching incoherently but you can't focus on anything but the smudge of pink on Steve's cheek. Your chest feels tight. 

He looks like he's yours.

"Yeah, we're fine, " Steve says, voice close enough to startle you back into the conversation. 

He looks up at you. Your hand lands on the lipstick, like if you cover it, it'll go away. Steve tilts his head, mouth open in a question. 

"Sorry," you rush out before he can speak. "I got some of my, uh, lipstick on you." 

He relaxes. 

"Oh. Thought I was bleeding or something," he says with a slight laugh. "'S okay, I can wipe it off when we get there."

"Uh-huh." 

You drop your hand. You can't stop staring. Stop staring.

The print isn't exactly in the shape of your lips, but it's close. You can see the divots and where your lips parted. If someone were to see you two, they'd assume a lot of things you're not. 

Steve's collar is wrinkled from the van ride from Hell. His neck is flushed. You wonder how your lipstick would look there. 

Eddie presses the brake, softer this time. Steve's fingers dig into the meat of your thigh anyway. More marks. 

"Alright, relax, gang," Eddie says. "We're almost there."

You touch Steve's cheek again and hope he'll forget to wash you off of his face. 

iv. the secret

It's raining. You're in Steve's bed. 

Thunder shakes the sky. You curl further into your—Steve’s—pillow. It smells like his soap and detergent. 

You used to like the rain. Not so much these days. Rain makes you think of blood on asphalt and being alone at twenty-four. Rain silences you. 

"Do you think he'll come back?" 

You've never dared to ask anyone. Not even Joyce. She'd know. She wouldn't tell you the truth, though. 

Nancy Wheeler probably could. She'd face you with that steel brow of hers and give it to you straight. 

Yes. The monster's back. You're not getting married. 

You slip your hand into Steve’s. He squeezes your fingers. Outside, the rain roars. 

"I don't know," Steve says into the darkness. 

You can't see him like this. It makes you mildly claustrophobic. Maybe you should turn on the hall light. 

"Hopper said he was dead. So did that other guy—uh, Murray. And like, Eddie's okay. And Max. El would tell us if she sensed something. It's not like he could come back without making a sound. I mean, from what she told me, she basically, like, unraveled him from the inside out. Which is pretty gross, but also a good way to keep someone dead."

He's rambling. He's rambling to distract you. 

God, what the fuck are you going to do when you're twenty-four and unmarried and Steve's forgotten all about you? 

"I don't want anyone to die," you whisper. 

Steve squeezes your hand harder. 

"No one's gonna die."

You shift closer. You can barely make out Steve's silhouette. The ends of his hair tickle your knuckles. 

"Hey," he says, and you try to find his eyes, but you can't. "Nothing's gonna happen, okay?" 

"Yeah," you say, even though something did happen, something that almost took him away from you, and you don't know if you can handle that again. 

"You can stay here as long as you want," he says. 

"I can go back to my room."

Steve threads his fingers with yours. You can't see his eyes but it's okay.

"Don't," he says. 

"Okay."

You scoot forward, closing another few inches between you two. Now, you feel Steve's breath on your face. He smells like minty toothpaste. He is alive. 

The rain batters against the windows. You could kiss him. You could kiss him right now, and no one would know except for you and him. 

His breath has begun to even out. You lean in blindly. Your lips land on his hair. 

It's hardly a kiss. It’ll be your secret anyway.

+ and, finally, the first.

"Dustin wanted chocolate milk," you say, not looking up from the tub of yogurt you're searching the date for. 

"Yeah," Steve says, parking the cart to the side. "Kid's addicted."

He opens the giant fridge door and a burst of cold air nips at your arm. You shy away. 

"Six dollars? Jesus, does it come from gold cows?"

You snort, finally putting the yogurt in the cart. You stay at Steve’s house more often than not these days, so there’s no point in getting a separate cart.

"What?" Steve asks, looking at you. 

"You're funny, that's what."

"I am?"

"You sound like somebody's grandpa."

"I do not!"

"Do too," you say sweetly. 

"Do not."

"Do too infinity."

Steve rolls his eyes. 

"Yeah, whatever. I'm a grandpa 'cause I don't wanna spend a leg and an arm on chocolate milk for the little shit? So be it."

"Steve," you begin, eyebrows drawing together. "It's his birthday. Have a heart, old man." 

"Oh, good grief," he mumbles, but he takes the carton and puts it into the cart. 

You smile. Steve shakes his head. 

"This is why I don't go shopping with you. You're an enabler."

"I am," you say happily, walking alongside him as he pushes the cart. 

"And you don't push the cart."

You tut. "Pretty girls don't push shopping carts, Steven." 

"Oh, they just find some poor sap to push it for them, huh?" 

"I'm so glad you're on board," you say, skipping ahead to the chip aisle. 

You look through the shelves and land on two types of Doritos. Cool Ranch and Original. It’s a tough decision.

“Steve, what do you think?” You hold up the bags. “Which do they like better?”

“Ranch. According to Mike, liking the original flavors of snacks is lame.”

You snicker and take three bags of the Cool Ranch. Steve pushes the cart to you. 

“I feel like we’re shopping for our kid,” you say. “We’re the awesome house everybody wants to visit because we have the best snacks and the biggest pool.”

You look up when Steve doesn’t reply. He stares at you, expression unreadable. Your smile dims.

“What?” you ask.

Steve shakes his head.

“Nothing,” he says quietly. “It’s nothing.”

“Steve, seriously. What is it?”

He shakes his head again. 

“Nothing, really. Just zoned out for a second.”

He continues to push the cart down the aisle. You watch him for a moment, then follow. The two of you quickly check off the remaining items on Steve’s list (yes, his actual, physical grocery list), and then you check out.

The cashier smiles at you both in line. She’s an older woman, with the typical poofy blowout nearly every woman over fifty gets at Brenda’s Salon in downtown Hawkins. You busily put the items on the conveyor belt while Steve takes out his wallet and makes conversation with the cashier. It’s a good routine you two have established. 

When the cashier’s done, you squeeze past the cart and grab half of the bags. Steve takes the receipt and the rest of the bags.

“You two are very sweet together,” the cashier says, her round cheeks blush-red like apples. “Have a wonderful day.”

“You too, ma’am,” Steve replies, and heads to the exit.

You’re frozen for a moment, startled until Steve calls your name. You heft the bags in your arms and hurry after him. 

Steve stops and takes two of your bags before crossing the parking lot. 

“Steve,” you say, and huff. “I can carry them.”

“Pretty girls don’t push carts or carry bags. It’s the rule, remember?”

You watch, unimpressed, as Steve then proceeds to try and get his car keys with an armful of grocery bags. When he almost drops a bag for the third time, you sigh and take pity. 

“Which pocket?” you ask, snaking your arm around.

“Back left,” he says, smiling sheepishly.

You roll your eyes, feeling disgustingly fond. You shove your hand down Steve’s back jean pocket. He wiggles his eyebrows at you.

“Take me out to dinner at least,” he says.

“Pretty boys don’t get taken to dinner until the pretty girl has been asked out properly,” you shoot back. 

Steve smiles, but the joke doesn’t land like it usually does. You step away as soon as you get the keys, clearing your throat. 

“Well, I hope you’ve learned your lesson about carrying all the bags, Popeye.”

You open the trunk for him, then go to open the passenger side door.

“If I don’t carry all the bags, how else am I meant to show off to the ladies?”

You pull the handle on the driver’s side for Steve and he gets in, beaming cheekily at you.

“The only person who’s watching you make a fool of yourself is me, big guy,” you say. “So, mission failed.”

You open the glove compartment and start fishing through for gum. You find a Juicy Fruit packet but it’s empty. 

“Damn, that’s what we forgot,” you say, defeatedly crumpling the cardboard. “Gum.”

You start to turn to Steve. “Do you think we—”

You’ve wondered, probably more than you should, about how Steve Harrington kisses. 

Now you know: tenderly. 

He cups both sides of your face, and you have to brace yourself on the center console for balance. Your other hand tangles in his hair. It’s as soft as you imagined, free of product, and you scrunch the baby hairs at the base of his scalp. Steve makes a quiet noise. 

You kiss until you need air. Even then, Steve doesn’t let you go far. You part with only an inch or two between you. 

“There’s gum in the middle compartment,” is the first thing he says.

“Huh?”

“In here.” He pats the compartment between the seats. “Hubba Bubba. I got it last week.”

You giggle and grab Steve’s face with both hands. His hands slip to your arms and he squeezes, smiling gently.

“What?” he asks.

“Fuck, I’m glad I know you,” you say. 

Steve kisses you again. Two. Steve Harrington has officially kissed you two times. 

You hope you’ll lose track at some point.