#just like. to look up chords and tabs. that is all i need to do

[ettiqu-rtz]

ultimate guitar is such a horrendous app. plus it’s so slow and constantly crashing. does anyone know of any (preferably free) alternatives?

[angelsleepinggurl]

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐠𝐨 𝐚𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐢 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐢𝐭

cw: masturbation

.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲

you’re defeated. wrapped up and consumed by your solitude and despair at how dire this situation has unfolded to be. you’ve lost all that you have of yourself and this may be the lowest moment in your life. shaking it off, you stand back up, making your way back to your bathroom yet again, to wash your face of these tears. are you really killing yourself to get into a good school?

the cold water sends a shock through your system as it makes contact with your skin as you wash and wash your shame away, failing to scrub the permanent stain etched into your vessel. sighing you raise your head, the droplets plunging down your neck and soaking your shirt. you slowly drop your head, watching the water spread so quickly, drenching your blue t-shirt. it’s almost as if a well has been dug in your heart, carving out all your sentiments and feelings. turning off the water you turn to dry your face before leaving to retreat in your room again.

your room is a lifeless little hole, with no shade or depth of life to it. a simple white-walled room, built to fulfil its purpose. you have no posters, colourful rugs or dangling displays. your mother would say it looks like a zoo either way. pale sunlight strains its way into the room as you sit down on your swivel chair, solemnly placing your glasses on your face today. the really bitter fact about this situation is that you have no form of solace. no girls to lean back on, no one to empathise with your sorrows and situations, no one to fight for you. just yourself. a fundamental truth you have grown to learn. no matter how loved you are, or may think you are, once the seasons change and the time comes, you’ll be alone like you always were. no one will be there when you need them the most, and they shouldn’t have to be. this life is your own, you get what you work for, and it’s not any other way.

sure that belief could've stemmed from the blubbering jealousy you’d feel when seeing a group of girls in the hallway snickering and giggling behind lockers, or groups of friends walking home together talking the entire way. certainly not. because you knew you were right.

the door opens silently, but not quiet enough. it’s like you can feel your mother’s presence hovering from outside your door. her negative aura could easily be recognised by you. “ good afternoon mother.” you greet, momentarily tearing your eyes away from your laptop to look at her. the look on her face is rigid and undecisive on how to treat you today.

“look at your shirt. didn’t know i had a toddler alone in this house. how on earth could you make such a mess of yourselves and be so unbothered? you ruin my reputation, child, you really do.” the wicked words don’t plunge as deep as they used to. they don’t twist the chords of your heart anymore, they simply deflect off of you. she leaves your room, her chilling presence following behind her shortly.

you don’t know why your mother is this way, nor do you care. you have money, you have food, a bed, and yourself. and you’re doing fine, just as how you’ve been doing all your life.

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹

days roll into the night and your mother is asleep, preparing for her next early shift and the maids are asleep leaving you to be the only person up, again. the issue with tonight is that there are 3 more course assignments due that you want to finish before going to sleep if there’ll even be sleep. but you’re not sure if your mind can carry on with you anymore, you’ve been stuck reading the past few paragraphs over and over and over again, making no progress.

there is only one thing to do. destress.

you click off all of your study websites and open a new incognito tab. you know it probably doesn’t do much, but it’s the feeling of security it provides that makes you use it. your practised fingers type the name of the specific website you’re looking for. after a couple of seconds of slow website loading the erotic home page has taken over your screen. videos of butts and cocks and vaginas are all over the place.

as you scroll you don’t notice anything new, just regular videos with absolutely vile titles of “dumb blond gets fucked by stepfather.” or “petite redhead taught a lesson.” unimpressed you keep scrolling, fearing this is one of the days where the is nothing to watch. until you see it.

a thumbnail of what appears to be a very muscular tan-looking man with dark wavy hair. the still image is focused on his rippling back, the light in the video hitting all the right angles and some woman beneath him. looks promising.

you stand up, checking your door is properly locked before returning to your seat and placing your earbuds in. once you make it past the ads, the video begins. at first, it’s nothing more than sensual kissing and groping on a white sheet bed, nothing unusual. but when the shot angle changes and focuses on the woman sopping cunt getting fiddled with by his large fingers, you start to feel the usual tingle of excitement break from within. his finger movements were so precise, and you could only imagine what that would feel like for you.

eyes glued to the screen, you slip your hand down your pyjama shorts, lifting a leg unto the chair for extra space. you’re biting your lips as you mimic his movement, his strokes, his flicks his pauses. “there’s a good girl.” he purrs on camera, his face still out of the shot. such a shame. your fingers rub faster and you feel yourself getting wetter and wetter. you bite your lip to suppress a moan, reminding yourself that it’s late at night. “you like that huh?” he says again, something about his voice, fueling your arousal. you hear your own cunt, drenched in the silence of your room.

He coos again, “You’re so wet f’me baby, want me to slip it in?yh? there’s a good girl.” you watch as he rubs his leaking tip around her entrance, moving slowly as he traces in, before nuzzling the tip inside. you don’t even have to think when your hands do the same thing, slipping into your snug cunt a groan of ecstasy slipping past your lips. your free hand seems to have been groping your breath in the meanwhile, fingers squeezing around your clothed nipple, giving you pleasure.

his ridiculously thick cock pushes in an out of her, struggling to fit itself back in. a thin white layer coating its length as he pumps faster. your free hand now slips under your shirt, holding and squeezing your breast, fiddling with your nipple in your fingers again. the back arches of your chair and you close your eyes sinking into it all, listening to his voice groan in your ear, praising you and calling you sweet things like “ good girl.”

you’re close. you feel it when your walls start clamping down on your fingers and your hips can’t seem to stay still as they rock back and forth. you allow your soft moans to escape your lips as you fall into the building pleasure more. peeking your eyes open to notice he’s got his hand on the other’s head, pushing her down unto their bed as he thrusts into her mercilessly. your gingers brush up against your g spot and your moth goes agape. “you’re close aren’t you, why don’t you come around my dick huh? i want it all over.” his ridiculously attractive voice is distracting you from the fact that this would be over faster than usual times, but you don’t mind. you feel yourself tightening and wondering how much longer you can go on, your fingers slipping in and out at an incredibly fast pace.

“give me the best you’ve got come on.” you’re coming undone, pulling your fingers as your cum flows out of your fluttering hole, rolling down your thighs and drenching your panties and pyjama shorts. “good girl.”

.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲 ‧₊˚ ⋅.⋅˚₊‧ 🜲

(please send a dm or comment on my the pinned blog to join the taglist.)

taglist: @slutkoo

𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫…

[piratefishmama]

Crossing the Line | Part 2

For Eddie Munson, it started with a tweet. A random little tweet in his mentions that ignited his incredibly hard to control impulsive curiosity. One of his long-time followers and his best friends little brother, a boy with a love of DnD who only begrudgingly followed him after he recorded one of his campaign sessions and posted it to YouTube, pinged him a mention with a single link in it to Instagram captioned “roast him he’s ruined Crazy Train!”

Michael Wheeler you little shit. He’d get Nancy on that one, Mike’s obsession with roasting people was getting mildly out of hand.

But Eddie was a curious soul and someone had apparently ruined an Ozzy masterpiece, so of course he followed that link, he didn’t even hesitate, even let out a cute little “boop” out loud as he clicked it.

Now. Eddie Munson, could have probably been classed as a bit of a music snob. He wouldn’t go too far with his snobbery, but for some people... it was just an unwritten rule that some people deserved the snobbery to the max. They deserved the shit storm that came with Eddie’s brutal honesty and lack of verbal filter.

And Nepo-babies with nothing better to do than *fix* legendary metal tracks with their top 10 bubblegum bitch bullshittery were 100% deserving of the roasting his bitchiest of little sheep had called for.

Did he go a little overboard over the following week while bored shitless in between customers at his shitty non-chain coffee shop gig? Absolutely. Did he feel bad? Absolutely not. It’d taken him all of five minutes to decide Steve Harrington was the worst.

Even if the nepo baby thing wasn’t enough, he was spotted with a different piece of arm candy every month, he had girls and guys falling all over themselves to get a glimpse from him in their general direction, like, there were articles about fights breaking out in the audience of his shows because fans couldn’t decide which one of them he looked at. He lived in some fancy ass house if his insta photos were anything to go by which no doubt his parents bought for him, he did way too many PR stunts to make it seem like he was a good guy, and while his voice was… okay, it wasn’t bad… passable, it was passable…

It sure as fuck needed to stay in its own goddamn lane.

So, the boredom in between the rare rush thanks to the Starbucks down the street was filled with what could only be described as obsessive online bullying, his ADHD hyper fixated so hard, but no way was he even going to notice it, so Eddie didn’t even feel bad about it. The guy had so many people falling all over themselves in hopes he’d notice them that his measly little insults would probably wind up just buried in the sea of hormones and the occasional desperate “COME TO BRAZIL” hashtag Brazilian flag and several thousand heart emojis.

And just as a fun little topper on the ice cream sundae that was his weeklong bitchfit into the void, a lovely little cherry on top, he covered Crazy Train on his channel. Not just the guitar bits, but he made chords and tabs for the lyrics too, letting his sweetheart sing for him, he never sang on his channel, vocals were just for the band gigs, his channel was primarily game music covers but this one, this one he declared “This is what it’s supposed to sound like” in the intro then rocked it.

Eddie was all about freedom of musical expression, but Steve Harrington could go suck a fat one if he thought he was getting away with ruining a masterpiece with his croony bullshit.

“So” The week after he’d finally put his one sided feud to rest, found one Nancy Wheeler, the instigators older sister sidling up to the counter mid-way through the most boring Sunday shift Eddie had ever worked in his life.

“Wheeleeerr, my sister from the most boring of misters, what can I get you babydoll?” He didn’t even need to ask, and she didn’t actually need to say it, he was already halfway through making her fancy little favourite, a cinnamon hazelnut latte with soy milk knowing she probably only had five minutes before she’d have to bolt again.

“Eddie… why have you spent the better part of a week harassing a celebrity on Instagram?”

“I think you mean an entire week, your little brother released the dogs of war. Aaaand the ADHD told me to do it.” He grabbed one of the little honey buns from the treats display and popped it onto a plate for her “forgive me honey bun?” A pet name AND a treat combined. She rolled her eyes fondly before accepting the free treat. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” There was absolutely a reason, but… honestly he brought whatever was coming to him upon himself. Sort of. She'd stand in his corner if shit got real. “I’ll handle Mike, don’t harass celebrities until you’re actually a celebrity, and even then, don’t harass celebrities.”

“It’s not like he’d notice, let’s be honest he has more fans than there are stars in the sky, all of them, and I do mean all of them, fully up for bearing his children.” Seahorse dads in the house! But also, mpreg too, ass babies unite. “It’s not like some rando having a questionably obsessive and lowkey aggressive meltdown over his ‘I’m bored as shit’ experiment would ever grace his radar.”

“I’m just saying Eddie, you never know who you’re going to reach with your online nonsense, if you ever want to get out of this place, you’re going to have to play nice with people from all walks of life, including nepotism babies.” The bark of laughter that erupted from Eddie Munson would have probably insulted most people, but Nancy had known him for years. He was listening, he was, there were just layers upon layers of automatic reactions to get through before he’d visibly take in what you were saying. “He could be nice, you never know.”

“Oh yeah, his royal highness seems lovely. Did you know people used to call him King Steve?” Seemed like the worst person on the planet masquerading as a semi-decent guy. Eddie wasn’t fooled in the slightest. “Your drink, mademoiselle!” He presented her with a large to-go cup filled with her favourite beverage.

“Don’t you have some odd little moniker on your youtube channel?” She asked behind the lip of her cup, before taking a sip and humming in appreciation. Even if he was a little shit, Eddie could make a mean latte.

“That’s a persona, it’s an online personality! People calling me Kas is different, people just called him that cause of how much ass he got. It’s weird, I bet he started it himself and paid his cronies to use it until it caught on.” That was good, maybe he’d pick his feud back up just to lay that one on him. “Seems very nepo baby of him, y’know? Can’t get a good nickname circling so he’s gotta buy one.”

“Wouldn’t his parents have bought it for him?”

“Ohhhh Wheeler good one! Nice nickname, did your daddy buy it for you? Babe, sugar plum, I love you. Imma write that one down for later.”

“Please don’t.” He was already off, and she caught sight of her smartwatch beeping about some meeting she was close to being late for. “Shoot! Gotta run, no more harassing celebrities!”

“I promise nothing!” Ah well, it probably wasn’t that big of a deal that Steve Harrington’s best friend had DM’d her, probably not a big deal at all, probably meant nothing... probably.

Part 4

[forevamark]

preview! time lapse (l.mk)

remember when i said ‘would be posted tomorrow.’..? 

... and that was months ago? well i lied. LOL life has been rough lately. but here’s the preview of what i’ve been working on very very slowly.

genuinely, trying to post by next week i swear this time yall hehe

Pairing: mark lee x fem!reader

Tags: pre idol debut to idol au, christmas and new years time line, slice of life moments, college student reader, substantial plot leading to smut, very dialogue heavy, angsty moments, slow burn, relationship struggle, lovers to exes to lovers

Intended for 18+ readers, minors do not interact.

Preview Word Count : 2k+

Projected Word Count: 10k+

Summary: Mark has always had the dream of becoming a big music star, meanwhile your aspirations lied with academics and coexisting with Mark. Mark struggles with telling reader that he will be leaving for Korea to pursue his music career very soon, in fear of losing what they have.

warnings are under the tab.

Warnings: cursing/swearing, teasing, oral male receiving, unprotected sex (wrap it up ya’ll!), breeding kink, possessive domination, spanking, slight choking, praise

not really edited- so sorry.

--

“What do you think about this?” Mark asked as he sat above you strumming on his guitar. You were sat on the floor between his legs focused on your eight page paper.

“In a sec,” you reply while wrapping up the sentence you were on.

“Take a break…” Mark whined trying to pry the laptop from your speedy fingers.

“Mark, it’s due in two days. I will listen in a sec.”

“Mhmm.” He sulked, leaning back into the sofa continuing his chord progression.

Days like this were stressful- due to the plethora of assignments that piled on- but soothing in a way. Your schedules never aligned this often, but Mark was so entirely enamored with you he’d do anything to spend his free time just being with you. 

“I can’t believe it’s been three hours and I only have my thesis done,” you sighed while resting your head on his knee.

“You got this,” he replies while running a hand soothingly through your hair while the other wrote something down on the notepad next to him, “I believe in you.”

“Do you need anything to help you focus? Am I being too loud?” he asks while going to the kitchen and lighting your favorite candle, “I can make you a snack?”

“Do you mind getting me some fruit? I feel like I need some brain food.” You asked while cracking your knuckles and continuing to type away.

Mark nods and walks back over, handing you a cut persimmon with the skin peeled off. He always knew what you needed before even saying it out loud.

Humming in appreciation you immediately start chewing on the sliced fruit.

Eyeing him from the corner you see him looking out of your apartment window. It was raining hard outside, Mark’s favorite. 

“Anything else you need to work on?” you ask. He shrugs his shoulders. 

“Not much else, I want your opinion on what I have then I’ll see what I can add from there. Don’t worry though,” he turns to look at you with a small smile, “I can wait.”

Mark has always been supportive of your dreams and aspirations. It was a shock when he told you he wouldn’t be joining you at university, but rather pursuing music instead. Although an adjustment, you supported him and he rooted for you. It seemed to be working out, he passed the first two rounds of auditions for a big music company and it looked like things were finally looking up for him. 

Some days you wouldn’t see him at all, and some days he picked you up from class and would stay glued to your side. He claims that he ‘soaked up inspiration from you’ hence the constant quality time and skinship. He knew you were working hard, pursuing a higher education was so important to you and your family, and he wanted to be present every step of the way. 

Unbeknownst to you, Mark also had a dark cloud overlooking him just like the city in front of him. He hasn’t yet told you that he passed the third and final round of auditions for his company and would be slated to move to Korea before the end of the year to begin his training. He couldn’t bear to break the news to you, not yet. Not when you were so close to finishing one of your hardest semesters yet.

“I think I can pull you away from that screen now y/n,” he says while tugging you away from the black and white screen.

“Hey! I’m not finished yet! I thought you said you could wait” you pouted trying to get loose.

“You’ve been working non stop, you aren’t being as productive anymore.” He chuckles while slotting you to the seat across from him.

“Hi.” he smiles at you.

“Hi.” you respond back.

There’s a moment of silence shared between you two. The only sound being the soft pitter patter from outside hitting the patio. Mark stares at you lovingly, you can tell something is wrong but you can’t find the words to ask him just yet, too entranced by the current hold he has on you.

“So, the song, yeah?” you finally whisper aloud. 

“Hold on,” he replies, licking his lips and searching every inch of your face, memorizing this very moment to inspire him for what he’s about to play.

“What’s the hold up? Don’t get stage fright in front of me now Lee,” you lightly say while giggling.

“I, I just want to make you proud, okay?” he finally says with sad eyes.

“You always will, Mark.”

Guilt washed over Mark. Things were great, perfect even. But he just had to aspire for more. He should be satisfied with what he has now, he’s close to home, a stable music career here in Canada, and most importantly, you. But just like you, he had the moon but he wanted every damn star in the galaxy. He didn’t want change, but nothing could satiate the hunger for something more. He was leaving, because he knew that this life, now, isn’t enough.

“Okay.” he takes a moment to gather himself, taking in some deep breaks and shaking his nerves out through his hands.

“Let’s hear it!” you shuffle sitting up straight in your chair.

Mark lets out one final breath before starting a low strum on his guitar. Flashes of memories over the course of your relationship flashes before his eyes. Your first snow day in Canada when you couldn’t get the ice off of your windshield, to the countless nights of watching reruns of Glee in your small shared apartment. 

He hits the chorus for the first time, opening his eyes to look around the room, unable to look at you just yet. Pictures of you two littered the walls, filled with your smiling and laughing faces. 

Mark mumbles small noises of nonsense to fill in the parts he doesn’t know what to put in between, sometimes trying out some lyrics at the top of his head. He shakes his head and chuckles when words don’t rhyme or quite fit, in return you share a smile enjoying him delving into his craft.

It’s something about the way that Mark is able to lose himself completely, in his own little world and for brief moments you’re able to enter his mind, envisioning every note in a flow of synesthesia. He’s able to create color and landscape through sound, and what’s crazier is that he doesn’t even realize the extent of his art.

“And… I guess that’s it. What’d you think?” He asks as he lets out a final strum. The warmness of his music is still palpable in the room, despite the cold and dark weather that demands to be let inside. 

You take another moment staring at the man in front of you. Mark bit his fingers in anticipation. His large white tee hung loosely on his shoulders, his ripped jeans bounced waiting for your feedback.

Everything is perfect.

Nothing can take this moment away from you two. 

No words could exactly encapsulate how you felt so you decide to throw your arm around him. 

Mark lets out a sigh of relief as he sets his guitar to the side, “so I guess you liked it?” then reciprocated by pulling you into his lap.

“I loved it, Mark. I can’t wait to hear it all together, I really liked that chord progression, I can definitely hear it on the radio one day,” you mutter into his shirt.

The pitter patter of rain outside was accompanied by the soft whimpers from the man whose chin sat upon your head.

“I’m always going to be here for you y/n,” he jaggedly says.

You two sat in each other's embrace for what seemed like eternity. 

“Let me show you something,” he says, breaking the silence and adjusting your position to where your back was flush against him.

Mark sat the guitar in your hands, “Let’s start from the top, yeah?”

That night Mark taught you the song on his guitar, sometimes you filled in lyrics that felt right.

“They know we got the chemistry…” Mark sings.

“Love how your body feels on me, when you get back let me get that…” you finish with a small laugh.

“Yo!” he jumps up, lifting your laughing frame into the air, “That’s a bar!”

“Are you jealous that I may be a better rapper than you?” you giggle back.

“You’re coming for my career, babygirl!”

—

Six more hours.

Six more hours until this paper is due, and you’re almost done with this last page. 

Six more hours until the hell that was this semester is finally done.

Six more hours until you can crawl into bed with Mark and take a long deserved nap.

“Almost there baby,” Mark says while massaging your shoulders.

“I got this,” you say while typing furiously.

“Hell yeah you do.”

Your train of thought was interrupted by Mark’s ringtone going off from behind you.

“I’ll be right back, when I come back you better have this paragraph done!”

Sending him a stiff salute you continued to trudge on as he stepped into your bedroom and closed the door.

“Mark! What’s going on my man! Happy holidays!” his new manager cheered into the phone.

“It’s going well, just spending some time with family and friends while I can,” he replies while laying down on your bed and grabbing a stuffed My Melody to hold against him.

“Well, I’m glad you have been enjoying your last moments of freedom while you can. Speaking of which, I do have an early Christmas present for you!”

“Awesome! What is it?” 

“Well, the company wants you to start as soon as possible. I played them your audition and they think you can finish your training in less than a year!”

“That’s amazing!” Mark shoots up and runs his hands through his hair, “when do I fly out? Next year I hope?”

“Mark, I did say Christmas present didn’t I? You’ll leave the day after the 25th. I bought you some more time to spend with your family, but you’ll be spending the new year here, in Korea!”

Mark felt his heart drop. That was in two weeks. 

Two weeks to eat all the food he can.

Two weeks to brush up on dancing.

Two weeks to say goodbye to his family.

Two weeks to erase all traces from his friend groups’ antics.

Two weeks till he has to leave you.

“Uh… two weeks… wow that’s really soon.” 

“Absolutely! Now rest up Mark, this year is going to be the craziest experience of your life!”

His manager kept going on about the potential future he had coming for him. But Mark couldn’t seem to focus on all the new found information. Slowly feeling the aroma of you envelope him fully, being surrounded by you everywhere, it was suffocating. 

How is he going to tell you?

“I finished it!” he heard your jumps of triumph in the distance, echoing all the way to the pits of his empty stomach, “I’m finally done with this God awful semester! One more year till graduation!”

You burst through the door interrupting Mark’s pensive state, wrapping yourself into him.

“You okay babe?” you realize pulling away slowly, eyeing his sweating frame, “you look a bit sick, want me to make you some ramen?”

“Oh no I’m fine, just fine really,” he shallowly laughs pulling himself away from you and moving to turn on the fan, “just got a little warm is all.”

“Who called?” you asked before flopping on the bed and sighing, “was it your manager? Did you get the job?”

“Uh yeah…” he shuffled, not meeting your eyes, “It was my manager, he had some good news…”

“Oh my God, did you pass?” you pounced on him awaiting the news.

“Uh… yeah, I did.” he lied.

“Markie!” you showered him in kisses and tight squeezes, your love for him unfaltering, “When do you leave?”

“Not for another year,” he smiled, not looking at you.

“Hopefully you’ll still be here for my graduation…” you sighed, “but nonetheless I’m glad I get to keep you to myself for a bit longer.

---

anddd that’s it for now! see yall in a week! any and all comments appreciated, and as always, tag list is open! 

xoxo, eva <3

[unpaintedhuffines]

Some Sounds Some Burdens Can Release

Thoughts on cover songs, the loss of meaning, and whether you can lose the point if you never even knew what it was…

While I have played some form of musical instrument for most of my life, I can only very loosely be considered a musician. The most formal training I’ve had was during 5-9th grade when I played trumpet in school band. I’ve played guitar since I was about 10, with a sizable 15-year gap of not playing anything. Like most people that look like me who play guitar, I was largely self-taught: first with Hal Leonard chord books, then guitar tablature that I first sought from guitar magazines that they’d sell at the local Walmart before transitioning to a purely online collection of tabs of dubious quality and accuracy. It was an odd, brackish time - the transition between hard publication and online curation.

I had a couple of opportunities to play with bands. But my innate insecurities and the terminal inertia that beset the self-taught “experts” left me questioning what the point of playing music with no end goal even is. I still have those questions, but I now play with far more frequency than I ever have in my life. I’m even writing some music that mostly lands as naive jams landing somewhere in the pocket of The Replacements and Wilco.

And yet, I still question the point of it all. The only thing I don’t question is how easily and deeply music can make you feel.

My Intentions are Good and Earnest and True

I am someone who was diagnosed as a ASD Level 1 well into adulthood. This diagnosis did not shock me as much as I thought it would. I always had social difficulties. Fitting in was a problem. I was an easy target for ridicule. I was overly sensitive and didn’t know how to relate to my peers. When responsibility wasn’t tied to any sort of task, I had issues with organizational skills and planning. When I did have to be responsible, I relied on my secret ADHD superpowers to help me get stuff done.

Still, the one struggle that I’ve never been able to shake is to be seen/heard/understood. That said, I just mask this shit well.

Naturally, in a need to be better understood, I turned to music - listening, not playing. My parents had a big record collection that mostly stayed with my dad after their divorce. For the first couple of years after the split, I would often be left home alone while my dad worked overnight shifts. As such, I’d hang out with my dog and deep dive into the records. I made mix tapes and mix CDs for friends. Unlike the stereotypical mix makers, I never did so with any romantic undertones. I just wanted to share good music that I felt expressed facets of personality to which I would often align. I most often would make cassettes for people. I’d pull from my CD collection and pepper in selections from the crates and crates of vinyl in my house. Each tape would have 30 minutes a side. Compiling a track list to fit on Side A and Side B with as little dead space at the end became a fun puzzle that would take up an entire evening.

In all that time, I never thought to try to train my ear with my guitar. I never thought of this as a means to improve my own fledgling skill set. I never thought about how this was how musicians who taught themselves got better. Moreover, I never realized that people could find inspiration in a song and cover it in their own way. When I did learn other people’s songs on guitar, I understood that it was helping me to add to my skill set. I never thought of it as a way to use someone else’s songs to take any relationship I had to the sentiments contained therein as a means to express myself.

Cover Me Up, or: I Heard There Was a Secret Chord David Played and It Pleased the Lord

But you don’t really care for music, do ya…

There are great cover songs out there. I think I may prefer Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from My Friends” to the original by the Beatles. The best covers songs take the original and change it in a way that uncovers new, possibly even deeper meaning. Compare and contrast “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails and the subsequent cover of the song by Johnny Cash. The original is cold, sterile, bleak. It sounds like someone in a deep depression or lost to dependency. There is an almost adolescent anger to it. Johnny Cash approaches the song as a reticent look back, because there is no point in looking forward. Guitar and piano, plaintive in their interplay and my God, that voice. It is very much sung from the perspective of someone recognizing that their grip on life is loosening. It is a song about mortality. It is a song about the last dying embers before our ashes return to ashes and our dust returns to dust.

This says nothing about the fact that Bob Dylan wrote “All Along the Watchtower” and, upon hearing the Jimi Hendrix Experience’s cover, declared that the song was now Jimi’s. It was no longer his.

Some songs work their way into the zeitgeist that were perhaps too cleverly and subtly written and are thus clumsily interpreted as something that they are not. This is particularly the case with Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” Cohen had written up to 180 different verses of the song and referred to it as a joyous affirmation of life using religious allusions and references to capture vignettes of emotionality and enthusiasm.

It also was undeniably horny, with the shapes and sentiments of BDSM hiding in the shadows. And yet…

It has been co-opted as an almost funeral dirge. Kate McKinnon, as Hillary Clinton, famously performed it as the SNL opener the Saturday after Trump was elected in 2016. One of Biden’s first official acts as President was to preside over a televised memorial to the Americans lost during the Covid pandemic. “Hallelujah” was the song of choice.

None of these versions had a hint of the irony that Cohen peppered throughout the song, much less horniness.

Sometimes, the songs are so personal to the original writer that even famous people covering them becomes problematic. This is reflected in the recent blow up about Morgan Wallen arranging a version of Jason Isbell’s “Cover Me Up.” Isbell’s song is a love song first and foremost about his (now ex) wife, Amanda Shires. However, the story of the song is Isbell’s detox and recovery from deep substance abuse and alcoholism. When he sings in the chorus “It’s cold in this house and I ain’t going out to chop wood / So cover me up and know you’re enough to use me for good,” he is at his most his most vulnerable, literally having the shakes. The only person he trusts to see him in this state and to see him through this is his wife. There’s nothing inherently sexy about it.

And yet, people like Wallen cover this song as a love song with an almost horny delivery of the chorus. Girl, leave your boots by the bed; hang your dress up to dry. We ain’t leaving this room. To his credit, Isbell doesn’t pass judgement on covers of this incredibly personal-to-him song, saying that he’s grateful for the life it has given his song and that “"It was my real life s*** and now I’m once again reminded that I was not alone in that particular storm."

God, It’s Brutal Out Here

Still, there is an inherent problem with performing a song that is so singularly personal for the composer and their story. It’s especially problematic when such songs are used to woo an audience and perhaps get into someone’s pants. Is there a solution to this? I don’t know. Maybe not.

But maybe we should use the parts of these songs that inspire us, that touch us, that move us to tears (and yes, even horniness) to figure out our own songs to sing. Maybe we do what Elvis Costello suggests when, in defense of Olivia Rodrigo, he said, “It's how rock & roll works. You take the broken pieces of another thrill and make a brand new toy. That's what I did."

I would like to give credit to the songs from which I pilfered lyrics for this post’s title and headings: “Sleep On the Left Side” by Cornershop, “Satan Is My Motor” by Cake, “Cover Me Up” by Jason Isbell, “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen, and “Brutal” by Olivia Rodrigo. I’m just as guilty as anyone in using covers to attract attention. But maybe in using them as a framework to guide my writing, I’m making a brand new toy. Thanks for reading.

#music #coversongs

[melestiasworld]

enneagram > MBTI ?? (am I really saying that !?)

I was researching my enneagram type lately and I have a lot to unwrap

Amidst my attempt to organize the endless tabs on my phone, I stumbled upon an old Enneagram test result. It was surprisingly spot-on, articulating behaviors I've long recognized but struggled to articulate.

I'm a 9w1, and I've been watching Dr. Tom LaHue's videos about my type.

He was saying that 9s can, if not careful, mistake the taste, goal of other's for their own- something I know I tended to do a lot when I was younger Back then, I craved uniqueness so intensely I wanted to dress up differently, listen to different music -being like everyone else was disgusting to me. Looking back, I might have resembled a type 4 during that phase

but I'm glad I had this phase, it helped me cultivate my confidence and identity

I've also noticed a pattern where I struggle to voice my opinions naturally. It's something I've had to learn the hard way.

it takes effort for me to really put myself in thinking mode to connect with my true self and figure out what I truly desire Yet, when a topic strikes a chord, I don't hesitate to speak up. Tom was also saying how my default response to a question or a request is always “yes” when it should actually be “no”, so that I accept only what I truly desire

“you can find your real “yes” only by saying “no””

I mean, I already knew that of me, and what really helps me is seeing other people being assertive in their opinions

I love people-watching and seeing people stand their ground inspires me

I've recognized that I sometimes fear expressing my voice because I don't want to burden others. I'm capable of understanding multiple perspectives, making every option seem acceptable—but what do I truly want?

Combining assertiveness with kindness has been a struggle. I've been aware of this aspect of myself for some time, and I'm committed to improving.

We all have patterns that emerge when we're not in a healthy place. and the enneagram helps you see more clearly on this. In the vid, mr tom was going through the levels of health of 9s going from the worst to the best, I've stopped to the first because it resonated too much with me : My brain will do anything to keep me away from feeling any type of negative emotion, this actually has been really detrimental at one point in my life

I will get lost in my priorities and the things I need to get done so I’m doing fucking useless tasks like cleaning my shoes, cutting my bangs, or sorting the tabs on my phone when I have more pressing matters

I became aware of this problem a while ago when speaking to a therapist, did I buy a book to help me regulate my emotions? yes

did I read it? no

when will i read it ? who knows

dr. really putted the finger where it hurts, i think i really got to work on that

that was also said in some of the videos, 9w1’s are scared to be a burden or to be a burden because our biggest inner fear is being rejected by the ones we love

deep down I know that it is very true -nothing can keep people from leaving me

but what’s interesting would be to discover why do I harbor this fear of abandonment? Why do I crave safety so desperately? nobody really abandoned me, nor left me, I never had problems making friends, so where does it come from? I’m going to look into that during the several hours of reflections I have during my nightly reflections

I thought I had myself all figured out, that I’ve spent too much time pondering my identity, my values, and desires Yet life just keeps impressing me and putting me in situations where I have to work on myself again and evolve

its like rediscovering myself, or building a new version of me

I do not want to die knowing I haven’t achieved the final version of me; I want to reach my full potential

but I'm so thrown between the melissa who strives for greatness and has all of those crazy goals and the melissa who wants to rot in bed and do absolutely nothing - a topic for another rant

[doctor-fancy-pants]

Finding pieces of yourself that you thought you'd lost

I have no idea why, but after several years of not doing so, somehow this year I started writing songs again. After shipboard karaoke reminded me that it’s not just Broadway While Driving, I can actually sing and people like it, I’ve been thinking about recording something.

That being said, I never developed the “ah this song is in this key and should have these chords” skill, as that was Shayne’s job as our lead guitar, and he was VERY good at finding the bones of a song if I sang him a melody line.

He’s a metal guitarist and has the requisite chops for that — mostly what I’m after is a folk/rock vibe, so we parted ways musically many years ago.

Meanwhile: I played bass and sang. I was… okay?

(I am much better now, vocally - but from memory this gig at the Old Bar in 2009 went pretty well. That's Grace the Bass, by the way. Easy action Ibanez that didn't brutalise my hands to keep the strings down. And yes, that is my hair colour under stage lighting. Rach has pretty much nailed it in my Sea Witch profile pic.)

I played bass because no one else wanted to and I figured if I was going to pick up a stringed instrument, low end and four strings seemed easier. Also bass riffs are super fun ("Baby, I got you on my mind...").

I set all that aside when the band disbanded and the PhD got painfully intense.

I never developed the skillset of figuring out the root-note-harmonic bones of a song - so I figured I was probably not a good songwriter. Like. At all.

But the songs have just come at me this year, and old songs I wrote that I’d forgotten about, and those I always remembered…

And this is the space between Xmas and New Year. This is the time between finishing the voyage and finding the threads of my terrestrial existence.

This is the perfect time to drag out my acoustic and my bass guitar, dig out my tuners, and tune them both.

A perfect time to pick up “what is a song I know that is easy to play” so I can learn enough basic guitar to help with songwriting.

(the easiest option for me would involve the piano, which I can actually play. Again, not a virtuoso, but I muddle through. However, my great grandmother’s piano is still up on the mountain.)

A perfect time to grab some bass tabs for songs I know because that will give me a jumpstart since at one point I could, in fact, play bass.

(side note: Adele is extremely fun to sing, but there are two songs on the first album that seem to be carried by bass lines, and that has my attention.)

A perfect time to do all this and not feel self-conscious because normally there’s a voice in my head that tells me not to do this.

That voice can fuck right the fuck off. I don’t expect anything amazing to come out of my songs. I just want to have a record of them. I want to be able to play it for someone and say “I made this, and I am happy with what I’ve made.”

That voice that tells me I’m not a musician and never have been…?Jesus fkn christ I can’t actually play guitar and haven’t tried in years and my fingers still found the frets for the chords I do know without even fucking trying. There’s something there.

And in terms of practice and physical skills, I think about playing Beat Saber, and how I’m fucking good at a rhythm dance game, because I’ve played hundreds of hours.

That reminds me I can acquire physical skills.

At least, I can when the voice in my head - the one that says I look ridiculous- shuts the fuck up. Because who the fuck cares if I look ridiculous? I might as well just lean all the way in and get somewhere.

I haven't done any Beat Saber bragging in a while, but I managed to get through BTS Not Today on Expert+ and score an S on the first try, which is not too shabby.

And I’m going for achievable goals: not aiming to be a virtuoso. I just want to be able to find the structure. I want to piece together the parts of the song I don’t have, and build it up the way it deserves.

Breaking that down further: I know I need interim goals to learn new skills. It’s why I had trouble trying to teach myself coding — I need an immediate use-case, and I didn’t have one.

So: I’ll learn a song I know.

Magpie (Mountain Goats) is a set of chords I already know - bam.

More immediately: Need a capo and some picks, because I have no idea where mine ended up. Fortunately those are very cheap items, and there’s a music shop in Upwey, very close at hand.

One step (fret? Semitone?) at a time.

-Doc out

[chowtrolls]

& A Conversation with the Recovering Rockstar, too.

Google Docs | Part 1 | Part 2 | X

His coffee was going to get cold. Your own cup was half finished. You had left the door unlocked with a sticky note instructing him to just come in. Your prosthetic leg was bothering you something fierce today, couldn’t be bothered to stand up and let the eventual visitor inside. You continued your work as you waited. Annotating another textbook for Odesea. You were in the middle of jotting something down about the example chord being a bad choice because it wasn’t truly diminished, when you heard the door creak open. 

“Kitchen.” You announce, looking up from your work. Your eyes felt heavy with a lack of sleep, hair pulled back in as neat of a bun as possible. The man who enters looks…eerily like your brother. Which meant he looked eerily like you, too. 

He smiles, somewhat confused as you gesture for him to sit. His mouth opens with questions but you cut him short, “It’s fuckin’ stupid t’ think you could go talk to Leo wit’out me hearin’ about it.” You close the textbook with the pen marking your last page and push it aside. The older troll takes a seat, folding his coat over his lap carefully. 

“So, y’think you c’n go around and…what?” You sit upright, “Pick up th’ pieces? Puttin’ bandaids on the cuts left by ole Dickbite? You got Leo feelin’ all fluttery inside, so I guess you did somethin’ right by him. I ain’t ever met the fucker. He never did shit t’ me. Not sure why you’re here, Mr. ‘nnililation.”

He laughs, soft and light. It sparks a fluttery feeling in your chest. You almost laugh as well. 

“My, straight to the point then, hm?” His smile is…something. You’re not sure what. “I’ve looked for you for a while. Searched high and low…always blocked, always cut off. Missed in the knick of time. And I’ll admit I don’t know much about you, dear Bruuno.”

“I have a Wiki page.” 

“Yes, you do.” He nods, “It tells me you’re eight-foot-four, that you’ve played guitar and saxophone your whole life. It told me the sweep you lost your arm, the hiatus because of it, and even included an incredibly long list of your accomplishments. And my, aren’t you accomplished!” He pauses, thinking, “But, Bruuno, I couldn’t find anything else.” 

You narrow your eyes. You preferred it that way, after all. 

“Bruuno Monark never existed on paper. Only Bruuno Sinopa. I thought that to be strange…after all, looking at you, my dear…it’s like looking in a mirror! But no matter how hard I tried, I kept getting blocked. Told to drop it. Leave it be. Usually the Empire keeps very close tabs on its musicians, and a man of my position should be allowed access to whatever information I may need…but not your’s.” 

“Good.” Your response is curt, to the point. 

“Someone must really love you, to keep you so safe.” There was a disgusting look of hope in his eyes. You scoff. 

“Love ain’t it.” 

“Then why? Who is holding you so close to their hearts, to keep you so safe from the grasp of the Fleet?” 

“Is that why you’re here?” You pick up your mug to keep from being overexaggerated with your hand gestures, “Information? Unlock secrets? Find out what fucked up shit I ain’t tell the world yet? You fuckin’ Fleet trolls are all the fuckin’ same- diggin’ up shit t’ use against people. Idiotic-” 

“No, you misunderstood me.” His voice raises slightly. Not out of frustration, but simply to get you to shut up. It works. Was it the audacity, or were you actually intimidated? “I can’t imagine someone going to such lengths to keep someone they don’t love so safe. But clearly, love isn’t what happened. I can’t fathom the hurt, the trauma-” 

“Aye, I ain’t fuckin’ traumatized.” It was your turn to raise your voice, setting your mug down with an angry thud. Flecks of cold black coffee decorate the textbook you had been working so hard on. 

“Bruuno, look at yourself.” His exasperated tone takes you by surprise. The ancestor reaches across the table to grab your robotic arm, holding it in front of you, “This arm wasn’t your choice. Your leg either, right?” Shaken, you pull your arm free from his grasp, shooting a look to kill as he continues without missing a beat. “Son, you look like you haven’t slept in at least three days. You smell like a smoke shop, and look like you crawled out from the depths of one too. There isn’t a single used dish here beyond your coffee mug- have you eaten recently? Cigarettes don’t count.” 

“The hell’re you goin’ for old man?” 

“If you aren’t traumatized, then who are you trying so hard to impress, by working yourself to the bone?”

Now, unlike the ones who share your blood, you did not freeze, you were not overcome with a revelation, you did not look into his warm eyes and feel love. You felt rage. After all, you had been trained to react defensively. 

“Now why the fuck would you of all fuckin’ trolls give a damn who I’m tryna impress?” You sneer, “You come int’ my damn hive ‘n start accusin’ me of this shit? Look at you! All fuckin’ high ‘n mighty, thinkin’ yer so much better than everyone else for figurin’ this shit out. You fuckin’ Fleet assholes are all the same. Tryna dig up dirt t’ use it against me.” You do little to hide your scoff. You wanted to tell him to leave. But, for some odd reason, you didn’t. You let silence fall. Though it didn’t last very long. 

The older troll leans back in his seat, looking stumped, tired, somber. A deep sigh leaves his shoulders slumped, “Oh, Bruuno…can it not just be that I care?” 

You scoff in disbelief, looking off to the side. You run your tongue over your teeth, shooting daggers at the ground now. 

“I want to know why you’re so difficult to reach- if not out of protection, out of love, then I fear what it really is. And I can’t imagine the kind of hurt that’s given you. I’m not here to find out who it was or to force you with me. Had that been the case, we would’ve been gone by now. I’m here because I care. Genuinely, I do. Just as I do with Leonra, with Jawska.” 

“How can you care ‘bout someone you ain’t ever met before?” You finally look back to him cautiously, as if expecting to see malice. 

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” His voice is soft and genuine. There is no malice. 

You look down again. Silently, he extends a hand across the table, holding it out to you. You eye it suspiciously. The scars decorating his palm reminded you of the symbols you once carved into your own, now lost to abuse and time. After several beats of stock-still silence, you finally rest your hand on his. 

“Talk to me, Bruuno.” His gaze is so soft, so warm. It reminds you of your lusus, CatMom, who raised you when Boe failed to. Her memory causes you to get momentarily choked up. 

“....I don’t know how.” Your voice isn’t your own. It felt far too small, far too childish. You were a kid under his loving eyes. So small in his company. 

“Try for me,” His head tilts slightly, “I believe in you.”

“Why?” 

“Because, despite your name, you’re a Monark. The blood in your veins isn’t the curse you were told it was. You’re a fine example of how strong and resilient we can be. And you deserve to be happy. To let some of your burden go. You deserve to heal, and grow, move on and be happy.” 

You stare at him silently. 

“Do you need help getting started?” His words aren’t patronizing, they aren’t sarcastic. It takes you a moment to realize that. You nod softly. 

“How about we start with who you’re working so hard to impress? Does that sound good?” 

After a moment of thought, you nod again, and begin to speak.

[twstinginthewind]

[PLAY] (senses meme) Lazaro to Punch? Dorm buds, yo!

Five Senses prompts

Punch poked his head into the Ignihyde lounge nervously. It was usually empty, but he could never be too cautious. He didn't want to invoke the wrath of his more introverted dormmates, after all. But the acoustics in his room were, quite frankly, crap. And he needed to get some practice time in. Normally, he would have headed to the campus courtyard for this, but the weather had been absolutely miserable all day, and there was no way he was about to expose his precious Harmonia to the elements.

Satisfied that he was alone, he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. Punch gently set down the soft case that he held under one arm, and undid the zipper. And there she was; sweet Harmonia, all compact curves and gorgeous lines. He lifted the ukulele from her case gently, and gave each string a gentle strum.

And winced. Oof. She needed tuning.

And although Punch was trying to be quiet, the tell-tale bending pitches of a string instrument being coaxed into tune made their way outside of the lounge, catching the ear of a passing student. A wide smile spread across the young man's face, and his eyes brightened. Ohhhh. Lazaro knew Ignihyde had his people, but he wasn't expecting another musician.

Lazaro listened to the sounds of the ukulele player tuning up a moment longer before hurrying to his room to retrieve his own instrument. His guitar was an heirloom, but well-maintained, and sang out under a quick preliminary strum. Beautiful. Lazaro made his way back towards the lounge, his prize in hand.

Meanwhile, Punch had just completed a few warmups. He always felt a little bit awkward when he first picked up his beloved Harmonia; since his last growth spurt shot him past six foot two, he was afraid he looked awkward holding such a small instrument. But running a few arpeggiated chords beneath his fingertips brought back the comfortable groove he always felt while playing. He took a moment to flick his phone on, already open to a tab and lyrics page in his browser, and he set to work.

Punch started to play through the first verse of the song, singing along as he went. He was so focused, he didn't notice the door opening behind him, and Lazaro slipping in, his guitar already strapped around his neck.

Laz recognized the tune; it was the theme to a movie that had been popular a few years back, and he was pretty sure he could fake along. He waited for just the right moment, and as the song's chorus began, he began to play along with the other boy.

Punch just about fell out of his seat, but he didn't stop playing. He turned toward the guitarist, doing a stunned double-take before grinning at the newcomer. The two played through the rest of the song, harmonizing on the vocal lines and improvising through the solo section, before they even spoke a word to each other.

Punch offered a hand. "I don't think we've met, bud. Punch Carder, how ya doin?"

Laz flipped him a lazy salute. "Mucho gusto. Lazaro Muertinez. I didn't know we had anyone else who played here."

"Me either!" Punch bounced slightly with enthusiasm. "I was worried it'd be too, I dunno. Obnoxious? Me playing out here. I wasn't expecting a duet!!"

Lazaro looked down at his guitar. "This one, it's not how I usually make my music. I'm more at home with electronic than acoustic. But you gotta be flexible, right? Never know what opportunity'll pop up for fun."

"You're absolutely right." Punch looked a little awestruck, holding his Harmonia close to him like a talisman. "So, um. Do you wanna play another one?"

Laz grinned. "Name the tune."

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary303

7/18-19/24

thursday-friday

wow...303...like the tb 303 bassline synth... crazy.

the fact i can make the day text in that stupid font is like endlessly entertaining to me. i might keep doing that but like having one day like that is really funny too.

anyway, i didn't do very much today w/ music. feels stupid, like it makes me feel stupid and bad and like guhh like i guess i feel like i have to be writing riffs like have have have to. but maybe i should rest a bit on that. think about what i want from grind and pv riffs... what i wanna play. what's something that feels and sounds good? it's hard to figure that out when my gf is home all day. also hard to figure out when guitar rig crashes ableton sometimes. and then not other times. !!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, today was not a bad day or anything, i called my work about my check, and they said last time, they mailed it to my address which is my parent's place, so like i called them, they were all we didn't get it, i was like okay, i need to call my job again to get them to mail it again. i called them, they said oh we have it here. i was like why!! they were like well we got paid and that's where tha checks go. and then my ex boss said if i want it mailed it's just going to take longer and like why did you tell me it was being mailed to me????!!! so whatever. i walked over because it was a little rainy and weird today, the cloudcover was really not the best but i brought my umbrella cuz it was raining sometimes / sometimes not, so it helped me not feel like death, obv i was sweating the whole way there cuz it's crazy hot out here in vegas + humid cuz of the rain but the humidity is kind of nice, i don't mind sweating a lot it feels kind of good for you and humidity keeps your skin moist in a way so i like that also. it's not like your insides are being evaporated out of you by the sun. instead the world is a pool you're always trying to get out of but failing.

i got my check, as usual the people there were oh so confused by me dressed how i normally dress and a little put off or something like there's some kinda crisis and they don't know who i am or how i know my boss' name. what ever!! i never have to see them again. it's not even everyone, i have no hate for all the people there just the fucking management. why would they jerk me around like that??? it feels intentional, such scummy shit.

also, i didn't take pics but i think my outfit today was cute and i think i looked kyute too. i am happy about feeling good about myself.

anyway, i listened to this record today, this is a song off it i'm a little obsessed with, cuz the riffs are so simple but they've got that slide shit i always hear and get envious of cuz it's harder to get right on the stuff i do:

it's good to listen to this stuff though. i wonder if they have any tabs out there.

good they have a tab for this song:

happy to have access to that. it's funny how this song's main riff, to me it sounds more complex but it really is just these 4 chords, one's low but then it's this chromatic move kinda, the kind i'm a fan of where you start in the middle, down a half step, then up a whole step up from that half step, so it's like a half step from where you begin there but it's a little abstracted feeling. i also like how most of the song is just all this disso chord thing into a dead note bit.

their 2 records i've heard are really good.

also, while walking, i got to listen to something i haven't listened to in a while, this record:

as well as a couple others, the compilation of the encyclopedia of american traitors, glad i was reminded of them, i ought to listen to that comp more, lots of interesting riffs and the vocalist really loses his shit when he screams, you can tell he's not really feeling good doing that, he shreds his chords it seems, hopefully he did no permanent damage. anyway the closing track on this ep:

i really like the bit he does about how issues of race, gender, environment, do not distract from class struggle, but are in fact part of class struggle, it really moves me to be honest... how are people regressing from that point!!! this band from years ago got it, these are factors which are part of people's struggle for material security, and part of their exploitation and how they're exploited... idk. it's so strange how a lot of the political stuff in screamo/emoviolence really does feel watered down. you had so many bands talking about hating shitty men, talking about issues of gender, men making some kinda effort, and i know a lot of it was also really annoying breakup stuff, but that's what it seems to mostly be now... or maybe not actually. i do know some of these new bands, especially the grindy ones, do take after the other grindy earlier bands, orchid being so political i suppose helps keep that in their minds.

now i am listening to arab on radar... i got someone to listen to them... that's so crazy to me. he was listening to solo john lennon. now he's listening to arab on radar.

this song really is a masterpiece. i mean this double comp is some of the best music evarr, their whole discog is basically perfect.

anyway... i'm getting sleepy. for some reason i did waste a good chunk of the day looking at that rnc stream to see what anyone would say. basically it's the usual racism/everything else, trump did decide he had to talk about "men playing women's sports", which is crazy to me. i mean not really but it's baffling people care so much, they think they see it everywhere. i do wonder, somewhat often these days, if people are gonna get more bold about hating anyone who is not cis.

obviously though, the big deal is racism, these are the things the reactionaries seem to be focusing on, tales of murdered women and foreigners. hideous ways to frame this information. anyway it's best to not dwell, another take away is how hollow and pathetic that whole thing was, how sad it is, also these photos are insane to me:

there's more but this one's like got everything going on. her face, her earring is crazy, why is it like a safety pin, why is she kind of trying to be punk rock. is that what punk rock is. i mean obv not. but it's really funny.

anyway like i sad: sleepayy so i should just go now, before i go to bed at 3 am again. we're going to my gf's friend's birthday @ korean bbq tomorrow. i am excited for that, though i do not want to overeat. though it's not like i really ever do, it seems like. the worst i ever feel is bloated from salty food. not like... heavy with too much food. just kind of gross at times. i am looking forward to that, though last time her friends saw me i was wearing a one piece swimsuit and i guess they're all like, now unsure of what pronouns to use, or one is, i don't really ever like saying what anyone should call me, if he asks idk what i'll say. though i guess at this point i sometimes feel like saying "everything's okay" is maybe, it's like only half true, like it basically is, but idk, there's times where people use he with me and it doesn't feel good. sort of like they say it in a panic, to make sure i really am or something. and then because i'm... well floaty's not the right word because i am entirely feminine, in how i present myself, even if i am androgynous generally i do think it's heavily feminine, so it's not like loose in that way, it's just like, i'm whatever, but whatever in a funny way. i am just my self!! i don't want to ever be made to feel like i am anything in particular..

with that ,, , ,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[papercherries]

I try to refrain from writing full pieces on my phone but I don't think I can bare to turn on my computer and look at all my tabs. It's too much to think about. I think the touchscreen keyboard removes a sense of physicality from my writing. The actuation of the keys is a cathartic experience for me and helps me feel physically connected with the things I write.

I'm not depressed, at least not at the moment. I'm not happy either. I don't want to sleep but I am tired. I feel like there's a hole in my chest. Shot straight through. My chest is tight and my throat is raspy. I am ill but I feel fine. I keep thinking, I wish I existed. I know I exist, these words are proof of that. Sure it could all be a simulation of some kind but that doesn't take away from the fact I exist, even as a line of code or a jolt between synapses.

I think it's because I felt today wasn't very productive. However I have had less productive days. I went to the shops to get bread and carrots (not for the same meal), I finished a game I had been playing, I received a reply from a message I'd sent to an actor. But I think the real issue comes from one of my daily activities.

Everyday for around 1-6 hours, I'll play guitar. I mean that very loosely, whether I'm just playing with chords or playing short instrumentals I know off by heart. At minimum, an hour of that time is spent singing as well. It's how I release a lot of energy and emotions. If I'm sad I'll usually play sad songs (not exclusively mind you), if I'm frustrated or angry ill play heavier songs (though 90% of the time they're played with bare acoustic with no amp because I don't wanna annoy my flatmates anymore than i do). If I'm happy I'll just play whatever I feel like.

It's extremely rare that I am ill (not including hangovers and physical injuries from violence), usually it doesn't affect me too badly either. I'll have small headaches and my shoulders tend to hurt but besides that I look fine. However, sometimes my throat will dry up. Usually it's not too bad either, sometimes happens after shows and such. Just a mixture of illness and concert screaming. But very rarely will I not be able to sing afterwards. Mind you, I'm still able to sing songs that don't require that part of my throat. Though it's difficult I can play around it. Though recently I've been playing heavier songs and testing with more shouting and heavier vocals. I find it incredibly fun though I imagine my neighbours don't. It's also great for letting off lots of energy I tend to build up, I always have pent up energy so it's always nice to get it out.

I dare say I'm quite good at singing as well, though you may not be able to tell from my practice as I tend to try to push myself and experiment and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. If I had to curate something though, it probably would be a ok show. Though my stage fright is quite bad, though I can shake it off. My guitar is probably much less commendable but I haven't been doing that one my whole life so it's fair. Plus I'm completely self taught, though I have reached a point where I feel I just need to get physically better before I continue learning more mentally. Once I can play barre for 10 minutes straight I'll feel happier. Got weak little hands.

My point being, I couldn't do that today. I did some songs that had that more heavier feel, I even leaned into the sickly, rough feel with some bright eyes songs I knew would fit it. But I was really in a screaming and shouting mood, it just wasn't possible. I can't even talk in my normal voice, I'm like an octave lower than I usually am. So I've been singing a lot lower than usual today, a lot calmer as well. I probably shouldn't sing at all but I don't think that's possible. I'm the type to pipe, I'll sing to myself at every given moment of silence. For kitchen tasks, I find country songs are the ones that usually show up. Hallelujah comes up a lot in general (Leonard Cohen). When I'm cleaning, lots of indie songs. Sometimes I even have my own songs. I made a lovely little song that has a repeating chorus that is probably the catchiest thing I've ever conceived. Not being able to do that consistently as well has been awful.

Other small things it has affected. Me and my housemate are like blind cats. We meow to alert one another of our presence. If they don't meow back then they're not in their room. I mean I think we just do it out of habit but I need to give a real reason. I can't make a realistic meow. That pitch is completely locked off from me right now. I also can't make funny sounds! I can't say yipee! In a high pitched voice. I can't do a muscle man impression. The best I can do is a rough aussie accent where nobody else gets what I'm referencing. This is peak comedy my friends are missing out on. They're gonna love it when I rewatch big lez.

I hate being without the full potential of my voice. It's driving me up the fucking wall. I need it to fix itself within 3 days or I am fucked. I've got a concert and it's gonna be shouting and screaming and moshing and jumping. I need my voice. Throat soothers, whiskey and ice cream. Though I can't afford any of those so I'll just have to steal the throat soothers and ice cream.

Anyway rant over, this one will be interesting to explain at therapy.

[maliciousmalfeasance]

If I typed a live review of my spotify discover would you read it? Too late- (Indie-rock/pop, punk, ???, mid-west emo, math-rock,etc Be warned I am a hater about some petty shit lmao)

Carousel- CJ the X 

This song is beautifully produced, the melody of “everything will be alright” sounding just slightly off kilter and perfectly fits the teetering vibes of the song. I love the carnival vibe- lyrics flow so effortlessly. The RUNS BRO. Really perfect window into a probably fucked up breakdown. Hope things got better CJ <3 “I don’t blame anybody but me/ You’re too kind, I am a disease!” oof.

A big brown dog named bagel- Nep

“I kind of wanted to bite-” I love the incorporation of bossa grooves into this indie rock, gay as hell love song. “I feel like we’re gonna marry way too quickly” This feeling. Really cute. Vocals are so sweet- you just kind of want to scoop the vocalist up and hug her. 

PINEAPPLE UPSIDE DOWN - QUEEF JERKY, ethan is online

The best of the worst or the worst of the best? The beat switch up had me actually grooving- good shit. "Go to the zoo and see some fish."

Spirit Week- happy trendy

So cozy, comfy, fuzzy. Whenever I hear fuzzy vocals it feels like my ears are being hugged idk why. Sad but in a kind of melancholy optimist way? If that makes sense. Chords got a little tired by the end but I forgive all sins for fuzzzzzzzz

Glow- Alice Phoebe lou 

Aussie vocals perhaps? "When you were dreaming, I looked in. I saw everything." What a sweet, dizzy tune. Sounds like getting drunk in a carpeted room that looks like it’s from the 70s. “I’m a lover, just never knew how” Relatable. Vocalist has this really nice vibrato that reminds me of judy garland or ella fitzgerald, such a nice warm tone. Lots of hug songs in here. I’m a lover of this one. C:

Wasteland- wooded fang

Surf rock type of vibe? Feels like something I’d listen to as the sun sets on a long car trip- about to have a delirious few hours outside of time. I cannot fathom my man’s lyrics but he’s got such a relaxed delivery it’s real fun. Good vibe. "dododododododododo"

Feelin down- primrose

Drum good. Fr the production/recording on these drums is so nice. I feel like im sitting in the drummers lap but in a comfy way- like the rest of the song is absolutely great also but man.. I appreciate the work that went into getting these drums so nice. Also love the moments where the band stops. Love a stop. Satisfying. Ngl the vocals are nice but I wish he’d put a lil more OOmf in it y’know? Just like SEND IT.

 I Fade Away- Tulips Ballad, M.E, CAT DAD

The high vocals really made this for me, just came in and I was like aaah yeah. Then together?? Lovely. Such nice harmonies. Only wish there was a little less repetition but Idk that might just be me listening too hard rn lmao. I like the more subtle production bits but like, the main guitar loop doesn’t have much movement and it left me a lil like… what if you did more? Bass good. I like the piano but what if.. different chord?

Grade A- Spill Tab, JAWNY

I… might be getting fatigued from listening to all this stuff but these chords at the end feel like the same as the last song bro I’m a lil disappointed. It’s just so quick and so… clean? In a bad way? Lmao I think it feels overproduced to me. So many production decisions that don’t feel like they serve the song and only a couple that really feel earned. (cheated and gave it a second listen because I felt kind of bad about having mostly negative comments. Both the vocalists are great and the quality of production is real nice, I just think the producer needed to pull back a bit and let the vocalists do their thing, y'know?)

Only At Your Convenience- Graham Kartna

Big Jack Stauber energy.. Perhaps… too much Jack Stauber energy? I can’t tell if this was a deliberate attempt to emulate the style as an experiment or not. The drowned chords, the vocals that jump down suddenly, all the little cartoon samples. OK I had a look and he’s def got a voice and a sound this song just happens to REALLY sound like it’s going for a Jack Stauber vibe, most of his other stuff is similarly drowned and sample heavy but like… distinct enough that I wouldn’t think to associate the two- it’s literally just this song so he is forgiven in my eyes. Peace and love on planet earth. Honestly I’d forgive him emulating Jack really hard too I mean fuck it man do what satisfies ya. (gave this a second listen and idk why I thought it was so close actually this is good and fine.)

easy - waveform*

Oh! I’ve def heard this one before, love the big warm acoustic guitar+sad vocal. Gay and cute. “I’m on the stairs in a beautiful gown, and you look so stupid your teeth on the ground.” Love the imagery in these lyrics. 

Diane- Dad feels, Yelle 

Holy fuck I hate this man. I haven’t listened to the song yet I’m just like- before I make any comment you have to know I’m severely biased against him lmao He sucks he makes me incredibly uncomfortable to watch. ANYWAY presses play hm. Ok. wow. BAD. First song of his I’ve ever listened to and holy fuck. Worse than I thought. Nothing to like about this. It's so low effort. I’m just trying desperately to tune this trash out while I wait for the next song. Holy fuck. OH THANK GOD

Kill your radio- Heartsrevolution

Cute! Feels like something that would play in a scene while a stereotypical girly character beats the shit out of someone. Is that insane? Idk man. maybe I’m just thinking about violence because of dad. It’s fuzzy. The guitars and vocals got that sweet high fuzz on them. This toes the line for me of being like slightly over produced also but I think it’s just my taste. 

Becky- Be Your Own Pet

I’ve heard this one too! It’s just such an edgy teenage hatred song. Just real petty and fun to yell along to. Love the story and the little moments where the band all yells BECKY AAAAA. Good shit. 

Dark matter- Little Big League 

Oh such a sweet sleepy vocal with nostalgic guitars. Love the way the main vocal kind of leans around the notes, feels so effortless. The slight edge in the tone is used so sparingly but so well, such a cool voice. Oh man!! Sorry band you’re great too I just love these vocals!!! I want more growls but I’m feral for growls- the way that tone is used so sparingly to great effect is lovely. 

Better Go- Mel blum 

Familiar with this one too. Just a really catchy, chill tune. Love the stops and little rhythm guitar moments. “Guess I ain’t using my body anyway.” Yeah. Solid tune fr. Love the floaty vibe of the vocals.

Random Firl -Late Of The Pier

Glanced at the band bio and apparently the band formed when they were 16/17 which is cute. They haven’t released anything in a long while but I wanna believe they’re all still friends. Feels like a song I’d have played on repeat in 2015 when I was in a Smallpools phase. The vocal harmonies are very sweet, such a nice wall of sound. Left me wanting more!! AA

You Make me smile- Mamalarky

This squishy bass is fun. Another soft, floaty voice- I guess Spotify is recommending all of these because I listened to so much Stella Donnelly last year. Really like the structure of this song, the way that the synths swell and fall again to make room for the guitar and piano… Just really cool vibes. Love that blending of synth and ‘real’ instrument. Yeah. Just kind of vibing here. Adding this one to my likes for sure. I feel like what sets this apart from some of the others is that the instrumentation is interesting and thick without drowning or outshining the vocals which is hard as heck to do right!!

IDC- carpetgarden 

First few lines are like. Damn. Yeah. Lyrics are heavy but in a fuck this kind of way. Their vocals are so sweet and yet kind of bored sounding? Genuinely really like the vibes. There’s a great energy to the guitars that makes you wanna dance around, real sad but happy at the same time. Kind of song I’d listen to while on the way somewhere to get myself in a good mood lmao. “Worms in my brain and my eyes are full of daisies, My body’s melting and it feels a-fuckin’-mazing” 

Wicca Kids- Pacific Purgatory

This song is underwater! Pull it out!! AAA! Fr tho it’s so muffled it feels like I’m listening through a wall. Kind of a vibe? I do kind of want it a little less muddy tho. I really like the vocals- feels like they’re hiding I wanna drag them out to the front of the mix. This is prob intentional. It is nice, I’m just making grabby hands at all the high frequencies rn. Baby come back. 

Vampire- Lupin

The shades in that title and song name. Chefs kiss. These vocals are great, confident and straight shooting. They cut through really well. Oh no wonder I like this, he’s the vocalist from hippo campus. Solid song. Not super my current taste but it’s definitely hitting every ball it’s trying to hit… if you get me. Knows what it’s about. 

You’re Terrific - LoudFoxCult 

I love the way the two vocals play off each other. This came out in 2018, real cute highschool indie rock vibe and yet- like way better than you’d expect from a highschool indie band so like.. Yeah. Terrific, even.

Scott Pilgrim- Plumtree

Omg I love Plumtree. Punk girls from the 90s kickin ass. I love this band. This is a great song, I like In The Sink better tho. The main lick is super catchy though I can see why this is their most listened to.  “I’ve liked you for a thousand years” Repeated over and over and over because yeah dude I’ve liked you FOREVER. 

WasteUrTime- Kevin Walkman

Bassline hits. Licking my fingers baby this shit tastes GOOOOOD am I going insane? Idk man this song just has a really satisfying groove going, vocalist has a great laidback tone. Feels perfect for the vibe of the lyrics. Horny songs gotta have a goood bass line and y’know. This one did it. 

brittle (wake up)- Meltycannon

I know this band but can't place them. Really love the grunge/hiphop vibes??

When You Are Not Around- The Band Ice Cream

Breakup song if ever I heard one, “I like you more, when you are not around.” Angry and mean in a satisfying way, feels like a diary entry I wrote about an ex. Just like- raw and unfair amounts of bitterness, you know? Kind of shit you’d never actually say. Well idk maybe you would. I’m only mean in my diary tho. Mostly. Cough. “I don’t fucking care if it hurts you” 

How Could You Ever Think I Hated You?- Cloning

HAHA opposite vibes completely and holy shit a band from perth!!! The aussie accent feels so comfy to me in music mwa. Feels lik the accent is almost going american in parts- maybe that’s just the Perth accent tho idk any perthians. Jumpscared by the stop in the middle of the song lmao i was like NOO. Guitars are lovely, feels like a real lived-in sound. Love the vibe

Meet me in Montauk- Retirement Party

“Had a head so big it sank into the ground.” The noodles in the guitar always make my heart happy- very midwest emo. Just a very cozy angsty song. This is the type of music that turns my brain to like nostalgic goo. “I’m not sure if i don’t believe in a God or if he doesn’t believe in me” - something my 11 year old self would cry about fr. I love how raw and unornamented the vocals are- it’s a mark of the genre for sure but it just makes the lyrics hit even harder. 

I Dropped Out- And The Kids

Feels like I’ve heard this one a thousand times and yet it’s not in my likes. The vocals are swimmin' in reverb and they’re just- asufghdsuigifih I Love The Dreamy-ness. The “I went to graduation" line coming back with altered timing/tone always hits so good idk it’s such a simple thing but with the force of the band crescendo behind it- it’s like. Fuck yeah, you did!

Been thinking- Fishing In japan

SO laid back, these lyrics flow so naturally- the vocals sound half asleep in the best way. Solid band. Nothing really stands out to me more than the silly sleepy vocals which are a very good vibe, kind of wish the guitars were played a little less straight to emphasise the drag of the vocals. It’d be different song. Better? Maybe? But this song is nice too. 

And that’s all wowweeeee

[zneilson]

My Development - Entry 5

Description - What Happened?

(Demo Track Development)

During week 5 of this project, I began re-recording my demo track of Black Hole Sun using the GarageBand project I started last week as a template. By doing this, I continued to develop the skills I have been learning in my production tools classes:

As I am recording everything from home, I decided to program in the drums using midi on the piano roll in Logic, our week 2 production tools class was about midi, and we looked at the velocity tool and how it can change the intensity of a note. This technique was imperative when programming the drums for my demo as it helped to make them sound more realistic and less robotic. Playing ghost notes is a technique I learned from my experience as a drummer and this technique features very heavily in Black Hole Sun, using the velocity tool I achieved this sound. To know the drum part, I referenced this YouTube cover I found through research and I also used some drum sheet music which I read, programming in each beat as it was tabbed out. The following images show the piano roll on my midi drum track with the quieter ghost notes, the drum sheet music and the cover I found on YouTube.

To help achieve the bass sound I wanted for my track, I recorded my bass directly into Logic and created an initial tone using the bass amp designer. I used the multi-band equalizer to bring out some of the upper mid-range frequencies to help the instrument cut through the mix better. I also applied the low pass filter to remove any high frequencies which won't be needed in the mix, the latter two are techniques I learned through just trial and error and experimenting with the different stems we are given in our production tools classes. These are two screenshots from my project, showing this process:

Since we have been using Logic Pro during our production tools classes, I found a free trial of the software which I downloaded and used, this benefitted me so much during my recording as there are several tools which aren't available on GarageBand, like using a bus to apply the same reverb to all of my separate drum tracks or adding headers so I can easily identify each section of my song.

(Warm-up Routine)

Last week I set myself the target of creating a proper warm routine which I can apply before my guitar practice sessions. The reason I did this is that I feel like I want to get more out of my guitar practice and I often find myself reaching a plateau when I'm learning, so a proper warm-up could help me through this and be more consistent.

To do this, I carried out some research into some guitarists that I like and the warm-ups that they use.

The first exercise I found was by John Petrucci (of the band Dream Theater) from an article in a guitar magazine which also has an accompanying video. This is a legato warm-up which essentially gets the blood flowing.

The next exercise is one from guitarist Nita Strauss from an article she published in Guitar World magazine. This warm-up is designed to help with finger independency and syncing up the fretting and picking hands.

Finally, I found this last exercise (used by Joe Satriani) to be helpful as it focuses more on playing chord shapes which would set me up better for rhythm playing as opposed to lead playing like the first two might.

I compiled all of these warm-ups into a short routine which I will start trying to apply to get more out of my guitar practice sessions. This video shows me going through these exercises and I have also written it down and stuck it to my desk so I remember what I have to do each time I sit down and play.

(Risk Assessment)

I created a risk assessment this week, detailing all of the potential risks during the project and some control measures I have for them, it applies to both rehearsals and live performances

Feelings

When it came to recording my demo track, I definitely felt happy with how it was all coming together. I had the preconception that my drums would sound too fake as they are midi but they ended up sounding a lot more genuine than I thought they would, this can be attributed to me spending extra time playing around with the velocity settings. I also feel proud to have recorded everything on my demo by myself.

After trying my warm-up routine for a few days, I have had this moment of clarity or this realisation where I'm wondering why I haven't been doing it the whole time, I feel like my playing has been much more consistent and my mindset towards playing the guitar also improved. I will have to keep trying it indefinitely to see if these effects are a true result of my warm-ups or not.

Evaluation

What went well? - I achieved what I set out to do, both in recording my demo and working on some new warm-up techniques, Iv learned the importance of warming up and how it can benefit my playing, especially before doing something important like recording this week. This can most certainly apply to my career as a guitarist as I will need to warm up in other scenarios like gigging for example.

My demo track is sounding good and all of the research I have put into it so far has paid off, especially with the guitar tones.

I have also taken up work on two other projects, recording the backing tracks for both Ela's and Paris' formative demos, I approached these the same as my own one, using a copy of the Black Hole Sun file as a template for theirs, tweaking things like the guitar and drum tones.

What didn’t go so well?

Despite not having the goal of recording a completely finished demo of the entire track, I wished that I could have gotten a little bit further with my progress as I only made it to the solo section. The reason is that I was working on two other projects which ended up being a lot more time-consuming than I thought, I also underestimated how long it would take for me to program in midi drums for each of these songs. Something I would do differently next time would be to organise my time better and work on each song separately as opposed to all at the same time.

My demo is only an instrumental at the moment but having vocals would have benefited it much more.

There was also a target I set for myself last week which was to research some live performances of guitarists I like to find some new performance techniques. I didn't get around to achieving this as my other research took up most of my time so I plan to try this again next week.

SMART TARGETS -

Research some live performances of guitarists I like to find some new techniques which I can apply to my performance.

Begin planning how I will perform the song live for my summative.

Find a singer to perform vocals on the song as it is only in the instrumental stage right now.

[eempxth]

Freak

Insecure eddie is comforted by s/o !!

Eddie Munson x f reader

Soundtrack : Iris - Goo Goo Dolls  /  Freak - Surf Curse (any of the two, honestly)

TW: angst, and fluff at the end 

*quite short, but I hope you guys like it! not proofread *

 You could sense Eddie was feeling off, ever since he came home that one Tuesday afternoon.  In public, his usual confidence and snarkiness was gone. Instead of flipping them the middle finger, he would just straight up ignore them. The people would just laugh at him more, calling him a freak, and other hurtful names. He really wasn’t usually bothered. But now, his face would crumple into a hateful frown, and you could clearly see that he was trying to hold back tears.

 He would spend hours playing riffs on his beloved guitar, and learning even more complicated tabs and bar chords, as if he was blocking everything out. He would spend even more time playing D&D with his friends, but being more quiet than usual. You asked Dustin, and he said that Eddie was acting weird.

 You were just looking for the perfect opportunity to talk to him. His feelings were clearly getting hurt, and you had to approach him with caution. You gave him space, only talking to him when you needed to, and made sure to show him you were there for him. You carried off your usual everyday routine; working with your bestfriends Steve and Robin at the store. That night, you promised yourself, you would talk to him.

 When you got to the trailer after your shift, you already found him there, sitting on the stool, arms on the table, and he seemed to be looking at something far away. Instead of just saying ‘I’m home,’ and him responding with a nod, you put your things on the table, and sat beside him.

 “Eds, I can feel you’re battling something in your head.”

“It’s nothing.” He responded, he seemed like he was stopping himself from crying.

 “Please talk to me. I care about you, Eddie, and I want to make sure that you are happy. You’re clearly not, and I know in my heart that something’s wrong. I promise, I will try to help.” You assured, rubbing circles on his back.

 It was silent for a few moments, and before long, he burst out crying. Damn, he could never learn how to hold it in around you. You broke his walls so easily. “I just….” He couldn’t get the words out at first, his words were muffled by sobs and tears started flowing down his cheeks, his eyes clamping shut, a futile attempt to stop the tears from escaping. His body shook, his hands playing with his rings.

 You immediately swiveled his stool to face you, and you helped him up, leading him to the bed. You helped him sit, all the while repeating, “You can let it all out Eds. I’m here. I’m here.” He pulled you into a hug. You began to rub his back again, trying to get to calm him down.

 It took him a while, but the crying subsided, and you could hear audible words coming from his mouth now. “D-do you think I’m a freak too?”

“Oh, Eds, no, of course not. Why would you think that?” You asked, bewildered by his question.

 “It’s just….you seem to be avoiding me now. A-and now you’re talking to me all of a sudden. Is this the so-called ‘Break up talk’?” He dryly chuckled, trying to wipe his face with his hands.

 You were silent for a few seconds. “See,” Eddie said, even more tears staining his face. “You were going to break up with me because I am a freak and I never do anything right and I am no hero you want to be with-”

"Eddie Munson! How dare you think that lowly of yourself! I wasn’t going to break up with you at all.” Getting up, you searched the room for a handkerchief, his eyes following your figure as you hurried around. He sniffled, “You weren’t? Really?”

You finally found a clean handkerchief, walking back towards him and sitting down, caressing his face gently, before placing a kiss on his forehead. That alone gave him intense butterflies all over again. As you began wiping his face, he tried to ask you questions again, while keeping his eyes on the ground, like he was embarrassed.

 “I don’t want the world to see me, because I just know they wouldn’t understand me. I was scared–d..” He was hiccuping from crying hard. But you stayed still, patiently waiting for him to compose himself.

 “-that you would leave me because of the freak that I am.”

“No buts, Munson! You aren’t a freak. Those people are cruel. They don’t know the real you.” His eyes darted up at you, surprised by the statement.

You paused, smiling softly, while looking into his beautiful eyes. “They only see you as the bad influence, the freak, the leader of a satanic cult. But no. I would scream as many times as I need to. To the whole world that Eddie Munson is not the person you all think he is. He is the most cheesy,”

His lips curled upwards into a faint smile.

“The most caring, the most pretty and talented boyfriend in the whole world.”

He shook his head, “Come on, that’s how I know you’re sugarcoating stuff.”

“Nuh-uh, not true. Eds, you play a freaking electric guitar, you have friends and people that accept you. You gave them a place to belong. You make me feel so loved, and you are a hero in your own way. Don’t care about others, just like what you do before. Their opinions, their mean remarks, don’t matter. It’s your life, and I love you for who you are.”

He was crying again. You pulled him into a tight embrace. “I-I love you so much.”

 “I am always here for you. And I love you too.”

  He pulled away slightly, before holding you close and putting your foreheads together, smiling at each other, gazing into each other’s eyes. He was thankful for the light of his life. He was thankful for you.

[suhojunmyeons]

A Guy Called Joshua

pairing : joshua × fem reader (ft. mentions of mingyu)

genre : fluff , strangers-to-friends ? / strangers-to-lovers!au (ig) with a twist! haha

word count: 1.3k -ish if u don't count the lyrics lol

warnings: mentions of alcohol and that's pretty much it

A/N : it's my first time writing fluff pls be nice :'> and please do tell me what you think! since i'm not that good at writing fluff hehe.

The windchimes by the door made a light tinkling noise, signaling that a new person came in the pub. The woman was greeted with nods and smiles by the bartenders and waiters of the place, and she gave them a small smile, sitting by the bar.

It was a tiring day at work and summer just came in. Even at night, the cold breeze can't be felt.

All she needed was an ice cold beer to relieve her from everything.

The dim orange lighting of the place dampened her mood even more as she swirled her bottle by the neck, releasing a sigh.

She was bored of everything, feeling like her life was dull and she's just moving by itself like a machine. She always felt like there was something missing but she never bothered looking for it, because she doesn't know what she's supposed to look for.

A plucking of guitar strings cut her away from her thoughts. The people up front started hollering, making her turn her attention to the commotion.

A guy that was standing on the small stage at the front was tuning his guitar, head leaning down to focus on the sounds of each string as he carefully turned its knobs.

When he finally got the right tune, he gave one of the staff a thumbs up, signaling them that he was good to go.

Suddenly there was a small buzz filling the room. He tapped the microphone in front of him, checking if it was on.

"What's your name and who are you?" A guy shouted from the crowd.

"I'm a guy called Joshua," he said.

"Yeah, Joshua!" Another guy cheered, making Joshua chuckle.

"And I'm originally from L.A."

Joshua started strumming the chords of the intro of the song, and everyone started clapping along the familiar beat.

She finds herself swaying along with them.

Sunday morning, rain is falling.

The moment she heard his voice, her heart started to pound.

She doesn't know why but his voice sounded familiar to her the moment he sang.

Joshua was happily singing while smiling at everyone up front. Then he looked her way.

She didn't want to assume he was looking at her but she was alone at the bar, and the bartenders were facing their backs, busy making drinks for other customers.

Her cheeks started to feel warm. She didn't know if it was from the beer or from the way that guy called Joshua was looking at her.

That someday it would lead me back to you.

He smiled while singing the word 'you,' as if he was singing it to her. His eyes turned into crescents as he sings the chorus, never taking his sight off her.

That maybe all I need, in darkness she is all I see.

People were singing along and swaying with their hands up through out, completely drunk.

The men filming him at the side were singing louder than him, making her giggle.

Everyone was feeling good by his singing and so did she, forgetting that she was sad in the first place.

And I never want to leave.

Strumming the last chord, Joshua finished singing Sunday Morning.

Evryone cheered, giving him a round of applause. Some were even chanting his name and whistling at him.

He shyly thanked everyone and stepped down the stage, making his way towards the bar.

She quickly faced the counter again and started look busy, pretending to be interested at the print of the beer bottle. But she felt his presence beside her.

Of all the stools he could've sat on, he sat next to her.

"One stout, please," he ordered from the bartender.

At the corner of her eye, she saw him reach out in his pocket and pull out his wallet.

The bartender placed his drink and just as Joshua was about to hand over his card, she interjects.

"It's on me," she said abruptly, making the two men freeze. "Please put it on my tab."

The bartender gave Joshua a look, mentally asking him if he wants to accept.

"Okay then." Joshua gave the bartender a nod, putting his card back into his wallet. "Thank you."

He lifted his glass and clanked it to hers before taking a sip.

"Nah, thank you for that amazing performance."

Joshua laughed at her compliment, his head throwing back a bit and covering his mouth with the back of his hand as he did so.

'Cute', she thought.

"Well I'm glad," he said with a smile, and she felt her heart skip.

It's like one of those scenes in movies where a guy flashes a groups of ladies a smile, and they faint from it—yeah it felt like that.

She was so mesmerized by him, staring at his face, while he animately talked about something.

He's so beauti—

"So are you from here?" His question snapped her out of her thoughts, almost slipping from her seat.

She quickly sat up straight and leaned her arm on the counter, regaining her composure.

"Oh, yeah, I'm from here. I actually work nearby."

She mentally cursed herself for giving out such a personal information to a stranger.

A beautiful and talented stranger.

"So, how's life treating you lately?"

She didn't know what it is, she really can't pinpoint it. But there was something with the way he asked her that suddenly made her feel comfortable around him.

The night went by so fast, the two of them didn't even notice the time was nearing 2 a.m.

They talked the night away, discussing almost everything they could think of, their forgotten drinks turning warm.

She poured out everything on him as it felt like he was this long-time friend trying to catch up after not seeing each other for years.

"Sorry to interrupt," a tall guy chimes in, breaking their conversation. "It's getting late and we still have a flight to catch." He apologetically reminded Joshua.

Joshua looked at his wrist watch, wide-eyed, seeing the time.

He looked back at her, seeing that she's already looking at him with sad eyes. But her lips still formed a polite smile.

His heart broke. He wanted to stay here with her, wishing everything would just stop and freeze, never leaving this moment. He finally got to spend time with her but their time was limited and sadly, he can't stay.

"Hey it's okay," she reassured him. "I had a great time. It was nice meeting you, Josh."

The moment she said his nickname, it pulled his heartstrings.

He wanted to combust right then and there.

A smile slowly crept up to the corner of his mouth, trying his hardest not to show how much saying his name affected him.

"Want to exchange numbers? Or usernames?" She offered.

~

"So, how did it go?" Mingyu finally asked as the lights turned red, stopping the car.

"She's the same like before. She never changed," Joshua found himself smiling at the thought of her.

Mingyu looked at Joshua's way, shaking his head and laughing at how giddy his friend was right now.

"Do you think she'll remember you?" Mingyu cautiously asked, tapping on steering wheel as he stares at the stop light, waiting for it to change colour.

He knows not to bring that topic up, but tonight's events made him curious as he saw everything unfold from afar.

"I don't know," Joshua sighed but his smile never left his face. "But I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I guess it's better if we start anew." He shrugs.

Ding.

The message alert got Joshua scrambling to get his phone out of his pocket.

Mingyu snorted in laughter, never seeing his friend act like that before.

A huge grin appeared on Joshua's face as he read the message Y/N sent him.

"I think she likes me," he murmured happily.

"Of course she does!" Mingyu chuckled.

The light finally turned green and Mingyu continued driving, attention going back to the road.

She may not remember the past she and Joshua used to have, but even though the circumstances are like that, he knew that someday it will lead her back to him.

[proherowriting]

Hey, I was wondering...what would it be like for Aizawa and Present Mic (separate please!) to fall in love with someone? Thank you and look forward to seeing what u think!!

||What it's like for Aizawa and Present Mic to fall in love||

Aizawa; If Shouta were to fall in love, it would be a relationship that was slowly and steadily growing into something more. These feelings would’ve been flying beneath his radar—something he wasn’t keeping tabs on. I say this because in normal circumstances, I believe Shouta would be naturally turned away from romantic situations thrown right in his face. He’s a busy man. A teacher, a pro-hero, etc.; he has a lot of hats to wear and a lot of people that count on him. So, this would have to be someone who crosses paths with him a lot with jobs/life pressing them together.

Now once these feelings have time to root themselves, and Shouta actively recognizes them, he will feel terribly conflicted. He would sit at his desk, dragging a hand over his face wondering what the hell he was going to do. It’s simple for Shouta to turn away something he has no connection to, but once it gets to this point it’s not so easy anymore.

The time in-between would be the hardest for Shouta. It’s nearly agonizing when he sees them or, god forbid, to have an actual interaction. Now, Shouta doesn’t have any problem covering things up on the outside. It’s very easy to put on a face and an attitude that he sees fit. Instead, it’s the turmoil wreaking havoc on the inside that makes him miserable. So much so, that this is what drives him to come to a decision as soon as possible.

But really, if Shouta is this far gone, the truth is inevitable no matter how much denial he forces himself into. He would have to confess. Ignoring or pushing his feelings away isn’t an option anymore. So, he does confess, and to the other person, his confession almost sounds a little exasperated, but this is only because of how much emotional warfare he’s gone through. Needless to say, the falling in love part is the most difficult for Shouta. But it’s assured that once he’s decided to fall that way, Shouta is all in.

Yamada; Hizashi wouldn’t immediately throw an abrupt confession or feelings out the window. He feels more in-tune with being adventurous and taking chances, but like Shouta, he’s still a busy person. So, I believe Hizashi might struggle to evolve his relationship to something deeper. Shallow feelings are fine. Small talk and meeting up every once in a while is fine. But the moment a certain chord is struck within him, it’s as if a fast-moving train has been forced to a grating stop. Hizashi’s head starts to feel a little slow, but he quickly reverses the effect. He’s not ready to accept this just yet.

Hizashi doesn’t try to avoid who he’s seeing, instead he grounds himself in things he finds familiar. He falls into old habits and interactions with them; on the outside nothing’s changed whatsoever. But Hizashi hasn’t forgotten what’s happened—this is an annoyance to him on some level. Hizashi is really trying, but his thoughts start to slip and the longer this goes on, it begins to manifest itself physically, as well. Unfortunately for him, this is more noticeable than the former. Hizashi might drum his fingers on the table a bit more, tap his foot, bounce his leg—and the worst of all, he begins struggling to make eye contact.

That’s the one that does him in. For a confident man to suddenly struggle keeping eye contact after he kept it so easily before, is a weird thing to feel. Not only for Hizashi, but this time, also to who he’s with. I think this might be a ‘tipping point’ moment. This is what Hizashi would need before he spills everything and anything. Ultimately, Hizashi would need to be questioned for his change in behavior. Maybe, eventually, he’d confess on his own, but this would move things faster. The moment they back Hizashi into a little, emotional corner, he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and the truth would come right out.

((thank you for the ask! this was a lot of fun to write about! <3))