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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #422

“i will not become a figure of my mistakes / i will not become the mask that is not my face”

Have you ever been told you were a good writer? I've been told that's one of my "gifts." What do you put on your baked potatoes? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits. Gooood shit. What are you listening to? I'm re-watching Gab Smolders play Parasite Eve. Love that game to bits, and I really enjoy how she has a legitimate appreciation for it despite its age. It's so great watching her fall in love with a game she knew nothing about. Did you ever have braces? Yes. Are you afraid of flying? I acknowledge the risks of it, but I don't really actively fear it. Are you short? No; I'm your average height for an American woman of my age. Have you ever used a fire extinguisher? No. Would you want your future children to date someone like you as a teenager? I was a fine teenager, so sure. Are you unhappy at the moment? That's quite the understatement. When’s the last time you got in trouble with your parents? *shrug* How many children do you want? None. It's funny though, I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a daughter I of course named Alessandra. Have you ever watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians? No. Do you have any career ideas in mind? I have no desire to talk about this right now. Do you have any gay friends? Yeah. Are you gay yourself? I'm bi. Are you doing anything this weekend? Of course I'm not. But that's a surprise to nobody. How many brothers do you have? One. Do you like Mexican food? Only very few things. What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? Oh man. Some are family pets more than hers, but regardless, there's Buster, Beasley, Winter, Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Doris, Raisha, and a bunch of other fish. Did you go to work today? I don’t have a job. .-. How old are you? How old do you act? 25. I think mentally I'm capable of acting older, but as far as "being an adult" goes, taking care of mature responsibilities, I'm a child. What size shoe do you wear? I... haven't worn anything but flipflops in so long that I barely know. I want to say an 8? 7 1/2 depending on the shoe? Are there any spiders in your room right now? I dunno. What was your favorite class during your sophomore year of high school? Art, for sure. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Probably Dory. Are there any framed pictures of you in your house? With my sisters, yes. Do you wear bandanas in your hair? No. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not interested. Do you need to shave? My legs look like a gorilla's. My armpits, slightly. I shave them every time I shower, so I'll shave them soon. Are you wearing makeup right now? No. I never do nowadays. Do you know anyone named Laura? Not off the top of my head. Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? A few things. How many living grandparents do you still have? None. What are your plans for the rest of the day? Nothing, really. I hope I read today, though. I haven't the past couple days and I refuse to totally lose my habit of it again. How many times have you been sick this year? None. What colour is your toothbrush? White. Do you have a favourite author? No. How long do you usually take in the shower? Barely even 10 minutes. I do nooot understand how some people take so long. Clean yourself, get out. Like I get it if you're shaving or doing "extra" stuff besides washing your hair and body, but generally, how???? Have you ever worked in an office? No, but as I prepare to job search again, that's what I'm aiming for, I guess. It sounds like something I (including my legs, given I'd be sitting) could possibly handle. But yeah, you need experience in absolutely everything nowadays to get any job, it seems. Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? Yes. Have you ever kissed anyone under the mistletoe? I actually don't think I have. What’s your go-to activity when you’re bored? Watch YouTube. Who was the last person you texted? The lady who works in my psychiatrist's office to verify my next appointment date. Do you see yourself married in the next five years? Probably not, really. How long does it take you to get ready to go out? Barely over five minutes, or less, depending on what I have to do. Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. Have you changed much this year? I haven't changed at all. And that's not a good thing. Is there a girl that you truly hate? A corner of my mind says yes. Even though I have no right to. Do you have any candles in your room? No, but I do have a wax warmer. Have you ever had to dial 911 before? A couple times for Mom. What’s something in your past that you’ll always remember? I'm almost certain even dementia couldn't take away my memory of the breakup. Did you have a good birthday this year? Yeah, it was good. How many people have told you they were in love with you? Two. Do you find smoking unattractive? Yes. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? I eat way too fast, but I literally can't figure out how to change it. I try to slow down, but it just... doesn't stick. It's so engrained in me as a habit. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I was too young to remember this. What do you think of people who always wear make-up? You go for it, you look great. What’s a smell that absolutely makes you gag? Severely decaying roadkill is very high on the list. Is there a smell that gives you headaches? Gasoline. What about one that reminds you of the past? Play-Doh, for one. Childhood things like that. Also like those really fruity lip glosses, etc. What’s your least favorite thing about summer? The fucking heat and humidity. What’s your least favorite thing about the holiday season? The knowledge I don't have the money to buy like anyone presents. Especially my niece and nephew. Mom helps me buy something for them, but still... I feel like such a bad aunt that I can't do it myself. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Whoever reads these, probably, ha ha. Do you have any embarrassing qualities and, if so, what are they? I'm just awkward in general. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core. It's awful. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? I would just go to the library and do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. It's questionable that I myself may have high-functioning autism. Has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you? Yeah. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Yes, because I'm bisexual. Have you ever dressed like or worn clothing belonging to the opposite sex? I would wear Jason's pj pants sometimes. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've always believed I'm ugly. Have you read the Twilight series and do you like it or dislike it? I never read the series or watched the movies. Have you been on any type of online messengers today? I've used Discord to message Sara. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 an hour. Disgusting. Do you own a tablet of any kind? No. If you eat eggs, how do you eat them? I only enjoy scrambled eggs or omelettes. When you’re upset, do you vent to people or do you keep to yourself? Nowadays, I tend to keep it to myself or vent through surveys. Have you ever watched a meteor shower? No, but I would love to. Do you like Slim Jims? OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSS. I want one now. What’s your opinion on the color turquoise? I think it's very pretty. Have you ever been in a castle? Only the Disney World one. When you were little, did you ever play with Play-Doh? Of course! I loved doing that. Would you rather write a mystery or love story? Hm... probably a love story. Are you afraid of getting shots? Kind of. I just hate the feeling of the medicine being injected, and long needles puncturing skin makes me want to squirm a bit. Needles in general though, I'm not afraid of. Would you ever run away and get married with no notifications to your family? Uh, no. I'm close with my immediate family and would want them to know. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so very boring, not to mention I would feel WAY too awkward. Who was the last person who unexpectedly texted you? No one unexpectedly texts me. Have you ever voluntarily read the Bible? Some of it. Have you ever thought that your life was so bad you wanted to give up? Many times. Do thunder & storms scare you? Actually, since I started having recurring tornado nightmares, I started to sort of fear them again. What are two foods you think only taste good with whipped cream? I hate whipped cream. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? Cheeseburgers. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? No. Would you ever think about doing porn? NOOOOOOOOO, even if I was in good shape. Would you ever cheat on someone if they cheated on you? No. That's not going to fix anything. Do you like getting jewelry or do you not wear any? I don't mind it, but I don't really wear it. When you were in high school did you ever have bomb threats? Once or twice. He was a... troubled kid. Did/Do you get school cancellations because of snow? Oh yes. My area flips shit if there's even a risk of like an inch of snow. Who knows ALL of your secrets? Nobody. Do you eat dinner with your family every night? No. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a baby right now? No, not really. That would be fucking awful. There's no way I'd be able to raise it. Have you used Limewire before? Back in the day. Are you/Were you in a band? If so, what was your band name? No. Have you ever tried cocaine or heroin? No thanks. Do you own any shirts with a peace symbol on it? No. I'd wear one, though. Have you ever dyed your hair light auburn? No. Ever had ice cream dots? Dippin' Dots? Yes. Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? No. Would you ever go to Japan? I'd like to. Have you ever been in a choir? When I was a kid in Catholic school, yes. What did you eat for breakfast today? Honey Nut Cheerios. When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? Preferably never.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''disguise'' by motionless in white

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arcticdementor · 3 years ago

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The hilarious headline in the Daily Beast yesterday read like a cross of Clickhole and Izvestia circa 1937: “Is Glenn Greenwald the New Master of Right-Wing Media? FROM HIS MOUTH TO FOX’S EARS?”

The story, fed to poor Beast media writer Lloyd Grove by certain unnamed embittered personages at the Intercept, is that their former star writer Greenwald appears on, and helps provide content for — gasp! — right-wing media! It’s nearly the exclusive point of the article. Greenwald goes on TV with… those people! The Beast’s furious journalisming includes a “spot check” of the number of Fox items inspired by Greenwald articles (“dozens”!) and multiple passages comparing Greenwald to Donald Trump, the ultimate insult in #Resistance world. This one made me laugh out loud:

In a self-perpetuating feedback loop that runs from Twitter to Fox News and back again, Greenwald has managed, like Trump before him, to orchestrate his very own news cycles.

This, folks, is from the Daily Beast, a publication that has spent much of the last five years huffing horseshit into headlines, from Bountygate to Bernie’s Mittens to classics like SNL: Alec Baldwin's Trump Admits 'I Don't Care About America'. The best example was its “investigation” revealing that three of Tulsi Gabbard’s 75,000 individual donors — the late Princeton professor Stephen Cohen, peace activist Sharon Tennison, and a person called “Goofy Grapes” who may or may not have worked for Russia Today host Lee Camp — were, in their estimation, Putin “apologists.”

…

For years now, this has been the go-to conversation-ender for prestige media pundits and Twitter trolls alike, directed at any progressive critic of the political mainstream: you’re a Republican! A MAGA-sympathizer! Or (lately), an “insurrectionist”! The Beast in its Greenwald piece used the most common of the Twitter epithets: “Trump-defender.” Treachery and secret devotion to right-wing politics are also the default explanation for the growing list of progressives making their way onto Fox of late, from Greenwald to Kyle Kulinski to Aaron Mate to Jimmy Dore to Cornel West.

The truth is, Trump conservatives and ACLU-raised liberals like myself, Greenwald, and millions of others do have real common cause, against an epistemic revolution taking hold in America’s political and media elite. The traditional liberal approach to the search for truth, which stresses skepticism and free-flowing debate, is giving way to a reactionary movement that Plato himself would have loved, one that believes knowledge is too dangerous for the rabble and must be tightly regulated by a priesthood of “experts.” It’s anti-democratic, un-American, and naturally unites the residents of even the most extreme opposite ends of our national political spectrum.

…

Follow the logic. Isikoff, who himself denounced the Steele dossier, and said in the exchange he essentially agreed with Meier’s conclusions, went on to wonder aloud how right a thing could be, if it’s being embraced by The Federalist and Tucker Carlson. Never mind the more salient point, which is that Meier was “ignored by other media” because that’s how #Resistance media deals with unpleasant truths: it blacks them out, forcing reporters to spread the news on channels like Fox, which in turn triggers instant accusations of unreliability and collaborationism.

It’s a Catch-22. Isikoff’s implication is a journalist can’t make an impact if the only outlet picking up his or her work is The Federalist, but “reputable” outlets won’t touch news (and sometimes will even call for its suppression) if it questions prevailing notions of Conventional Wisdom.

These tactics have worked traditionally because for people like Meier, or myself, or even Greenwald, who grew up in the blue-leaning media ecosystem, there’s nothing more ominous professionally than being accused of aiding the cause of Trump or the right-wing. It not only implies intellectual unseriousness, but racism, sexism, reactionary meanness, greed, simple wrongness, and a long list of other hideous/evil characteristics that could render a person unemployable in the regular press. The label of “Trump-defender” isn’t easily removed, so most media people will go far out of their way to avoid even accidentally incurring it.

…

The consistent pattern with the Trump-era press, which also happens to be the subject of so many of those Greenwald stories the Beast and the Intercept employees are complaining about, is that information that is true but doesn’t cut the right way politically is now routinely either non-reported or actively misreported.

Whether it’s Hunter Biden’s laptop or the Brian Sicknick affair or infamous fictions like the “find the fraud” story, the public increasingly now isn’t getting the right information from the bulk of the commercial press corps. That doesn’t just hurt Trump and conservatives, it misinforms the whole public. As Thomas Frank just pointed out in The Guardian, the brand of politicized reporting that informed the lab-leak fiasco risks obliterating the public’s faith in a whole range of institutions, a disaster that would not be borne by conservatives alone.

But this is only a minor point, compared to the more immediate reason the constant accusations of treachery and Trumpism aimed at dissenters should be ignored.

From the embrace of oligarchical censorship to the aggressive hawking of “noble lies” like Russiagate to the constant humbugging of Enlightenment values like due process to the nonstop scolding of peasants unschooled in the latest academic jargon, the political style of the modern Democratic mainstream isn’t just elitist and authoritarian, it’s almost laughably off-putting. In one moment it’s cheering for a Domestic War on Terror and in the next, declaring war on a Jeopardy contestant flashing the “A-OK” sign. It’s Dick Cheney meets Robin DiAngelo, maybe the most loathsome conceivable admixture. Who could be surprised a politically diverse group finds it obnoxious?

During the Trump years conventional wisdom didn’t just take aim at Trumpism. The Beltway smart set used the election of Trump to make profound arguments against traditional tenets of democracy, as well as “populism,” (which increasingly became synonymous with “the unsanctioned exercise of political power by the unqualified”), and various liberal traditions undergirding the American experiment. Endless permutations of the same argument were made over and over. Any country in which a Trump could be elected had a “too much democracy” problem, the “marketplace of ideas” must be a flawed model if it leads to people choosing Trump, the “presumption of innocence” was never meant to apply to the likes of Trump, and so on.

…

By last summer, after the patriotic mania of Russiagate receded, the newest moral panic that the kente-cloth-clad Schumers and Pelosis were suddenly selling, in solidarity with famed progressive change agents like Bank of America, PayPal, Apple, ComCast, and Alphabet, was that any nation capable of electing Trump must always have been a historically unredeemable white supremacist construct, the America of the 1619 Project. The original propaganda line was that “half” of Trump supporters were deplorable racists, then it was all of them, and then, four years in, the whole country and all its traditions were deemed deplorable.

Now, when the statues of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt came down, there was a new target, separate and apart from Trump. The whole history of American liberalism was indicted as well, denounced as an ineffectual trick of the oppressor, accomplishing nothing but giving legitimacy to racial despotism.

The American liberalism I knew growing up was inclusive, humble, and democratic. It valued the free exchange of ideas among other things because a central part of the liberal’s identity was skepticism and doubt, most of all about your own correctitude. Truth was not a fixed thing that someone owned, it was at best a fleeting consensus, and in our country everyone, down to the last kook, at least theoretically got a say. We celebrated the fact that in criminal courts, we literally voted to decide the truth of things.

This new elitist politics of the #Resistance era (I won’t ennoble it by calling it liberalism) has an opposite view. Truth, they believe, is properly guarded by “experts” and “authorities” or (as Jon Karl put it) “serious people,” who alone can be trusted to decide such matters as whether or not the Hunter Biden laptop story can be shown to the public. A huge part of the frustration that the general public feels is this sense of being dictated to by an inaccessible priesthood, whether on censorship matters or on the seemingly daily instructions in the ear-smashing new vernacular of the revealed religion, from “Latinx” to “birthing persons.”

In the tone of these discussions is a constant subtext that it’s not necessary to ask the opinions of ordinary people on certain matters. As Plato put it, philosophy is “not for the multitude.” The plebes don’t get a say on speech, their views don’t need to be represented in news coverage, and as for their political choices, they’re still free to vote — provided their favorite politicians are removed from the Internet, their conspiratorial discussions are banned (ours are okay), and they’re preferably all placed under the benevolent mass surveillance of “experts” and “professionals.”

Add the total absence of a sense of humor and the inability of “moral clarity” politics to co-exist with any form of disagreement, and there’s a reason why traditional liberals are suddenly finding it easier to talk with old conservative rivals on Fox than the new authoritarian Snob-Lords at CNN, MSNBC, the Daily Beast or The Intercept. For all their other flaws, Fox types don’t fall to pieces and write group letters about their intolerable suffering and “trauma” if forced to share a room with someone with different political views. They’re also not terrified to speak their minds, which used to be a virtue of the American left (no more).

From the moment Donald Trump was elected, popular media began denouncing a broad cast of characters deemed responsible. Nativists, misogynists and racists were first in line, but from there they started adding new classes of offender: Greens, Bernie Bros, “both-sidesers,” Russia-denialists, Intellectual dark-webbers, class-not-racers, anti-New-Normalers, the “Substackerati,” and countless others, casting every new group out with the moronic admonition that they’re all really servants of the “far right” and “grifters” (all income earned in service of non-#Resistance politics is “grifting”). By now conventional wisdom has denounced everyone but its own little slice of aristocratic purity as the “far right.”

#matt taibbi #substack #glenn greenwald #journalism in action

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katsukikitten · 5 years ago

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Hey :) would it be possible to have a fluffy scene with Bakugo taking care of s/o reader who has bad period cramps and suffers panic attacks when they can't take the pain? (The suffering is real lol) Please and thank you 💛

Period Panic

A/N Thank you for being so patient bb. Here is your request and I hope it is fluffy enough and that you like it 😊😊

Your quirk was unique and tricky to get right at first.

You had the ability to make the smallest paper cut feel like a laceration that was bone deep.

Pain amplification is what they called it and for the most part there was no draw back to your quirk.

That was until you got your first period.

Any pain you had amplified was done unto you during those seven days while your uterus shed, angry that you would not be used as a vessel for new life.

Crippling, imobilizing pain that only heightened your anxiety.

Most men and even some women thought you were exaggerating. Brushing off your agony as mere teenage dramatics.

That was until you pushed through the horrific cramping to make it to school only to end up collapsing.

Doubled over, clutching at your gut as if your apendix had burst.

That or your uterus literally burst through your abdomen wall. At least thats what it honestly felt like.

So nothing was new this month, the usual heavy flow and cramping except this particular week your sweet boyfriend demanded he stay home.

It was something you hid from him for years, a mixture of embarrassment and fear of discredit causing you to shy away from his gruff helping hand.

He said he needed to see it all, especially if you were to ever bare his child, how would he know what to do to help you.

But sometimes you didn't even know how to help you. Sleeping most days, getting obscene amounts of overtime and using all of your PTO every month to get out of work since uterus go stabby stabby wasn't a valid enough excuse.

You're curled into his neck, breathing in his sweet caramel musk as he strokes your hair. While his free hand holds his phone watching videos with his wireless head phones.

So far so good. Your period has been mild, Bakugou has been attentive if not borderline smothering although you'll take it considering he is not normally so lovey dovey, and there hasnt been a bad cramp in sight.

Maybe you had grown out of it.

It feels as if a knife is suddenly plunged deep into your gut, before being removed to be swiftly plunged again only a few inches away.

Your bite your lip to keep in a groan, curling into him further. His hand goes from your hair to your back, bringing it up your spine slowly still beautifully ignorant to the intensity.

You needed to keep it this way. Bakugou did not take kindly to weakness and showing how pained you really were was the very definition.

The invisible knife takes a new route, plunging into your back before multiplying, twisting as it finds purchase before stabbing you between the legs.

That one makes you grunt and worry compels the hot head to move.

"Oi." He says voice husky with disuse, "Are you okay?"

You nod in way of answer as your heart rate increases, your skin becoming flush as you feel the rise of panic begin to take hold.

But nothing grips you tighter than the disembodied hands that hold fast onto your uterus, wringing it out as if it were a rag.

You push away from him quickly, between the panic and the pain you're about to empty the contains of your stomach.

You rush to the en suite bathroom in your small apartment sure to lock the door as you grip onto the cool porcielin. Inhaling the all too familiar oddly fresh smell considering the things done to this particular throne.

The scent alone earns a retch that encourages your stomach to heave and heave hard before an even more concerned ash blonde is at the door.

"Y/N." He snarls when he finds it locked.

"Go away Katsu I'll be nnngg." You cannot finish as another column of pain shoots right through you. Your breath hitches and you fight the bile rising up your throat trying hard to even your breathing.

But you lose, you flush as the last of your stomach empties itself into what was once clean porcielin.

"Like hell you were going to say okay. Open the door or I'll open it my God damn self." He growls and this is what you feared most.

Not of his aggression or his inability to take your word for it that you were fine but of him seeing you like this.

Hair damp, clinging to your forehead, cheeks flushed from panic and raise blood pressure. Splattered bile on your shirt and underwear that was now heavily bleed through from the exertion.

He would see you looking every bit repulsive and never want you again.

A loud bang takes place in the bedroom before the door falls off of its hinges landing with a harsh slap on the tile km the bathroom.

His scalding gaze turns tepid with worry when he sees you, going to gather you up but you push away.

"S...stop..." You gasp for breath with sharp inhales, spots begin to form in your peripheral as your body overheats. Useless sweat dripping down your brow.

This was it.

This was the pinnacle moment in time where Bakugou would see you for what you really were.

A fragile glass cup sitting on the edge of a high counter top.

Tears prick your eyes as you think of your uterus falling out of your fucking body with a wet thump.

And Bakugou was going to pack his shit and move out promptly.

The room spins.

He clutches onto your hand with his own strong palm, fingers lacing with yours.

"Copy me baby." He snarls, harshly contrasting his pained look. He holds your gaze as he breathes in through his nose deeply, holding it for a moment and letting the air naturally push out of his lungs through his mouth.

After a few tries you mimic him perfectly slowly regaining your thoughts.

He smooths your hair out of your face before picking you up and setting your on the cool counter.

He steps away to yank up the handle to the bath, steaming hot water pours out, filling the tub. He turns to the linen closet produces a fresh towel and two rags.

He dips one beneath the steaming water before setting the other two items on the vanity top.

"Bakugou..." You fight back tears as he wipes your mouth, folding the rag as he moved along your face. He places the dirty rag in the bowl of the sink before pulling at the hem of your shirt.

"Arms up." He hisses when you resist, you meet his gaze and obey. He pulls the dirty shirt over your head before pulling at your underwear.

"NO!" Embarrassment floods your cheeks and pain bites into your stomach again.

"Fine. I'll turn around but you better get in that bath." He sucks his teeth at the end. He listens as you finish undressing, waiting for the sounds of sloshing water as you adjust yourself.

You see now he has put Epsom salt to help ease your muscles.

Suddenly your chest is tight from a feeling other than panic, as you look at his strong back flexing as he reaches for something at the top shelf of the medicine cabinet.

He produces an orange bottle with white top that you hate. Shaking out two pills for you before wetting a rag in cold water.

"Here." He holds out his hand but you refuse the two white pills with a shake of your head, "Why not?"

"Makes me too numb." You admit and he gives you a look, slamming the pills on the counter before pressing the cold rag to your forehead.

He sits next to you on the floor, scarlet eyes roving over your body for any physical pain that he can see.

You watch it bother him that he cannot help but in these last few moments you've been more in love with him than you ever had.

"S..sorry I'm so weak." You whisper and the air becomes charged.

"When did I say you were weak? When did you need to apologize for something you cannot help?" Your cheeks burn when you realize he did not once look at you in such a way.

"Now focus we are going to do an exercise." He gets up enough to turn off the rushing water before returning to his sit by the tub.

"What do you do to amplify the pain in someone?" He asks and you think of how to word it, normally you just acted on instinct.

"I...I concentrate on their nervous system. I make their body panic and send distress to the brain."

"Can you see your own nervous system like that?" You blink at his question slowly before answering

"Yes. It's difficult but when I really close my eyes." Another sharp pain sinks into your abdomin causing you to wince.

Sharp eyes cut to your feminine pouch he loves so much, he notes that it is a little swollen and silently vows to look up diets better suited for less painful periods.

In his mind food fixed everything.

"So close your eyes." He says, sliding the cool rag over your eye lids. It some how soothes the second heartbeat there that you did not realize you had.

He begins to breathe deeply, like before and out of habit you follow suit until your nervous system stands before you.

A mess of angry nerve bundles through out your lower back and stomach constantly sending messages to your brain as your uterus contracts.

"I...I see it."

"Now do the opposite of activating the nerves. Slow them down or turn them off."

"Bakugou I can't." You go to move the rag, moments away from breaking what you can see before rough hand settles over your eyes.

Applying just the right amount of pressure as it rests there.

"I didn't ask you if you could or couldn't." He says flatly but you can imagine the harsh look in his eyes.

So you listen, you try as you focus, mentally stroking the nerves, begging them to become less hyperactive, one by one they begin to obey.

And your mind numbing pain begins to dull to a light ache.

For the first time since you were eleven you didn't feel as if you were Kane from that iconic scene in that 1980s movie.

You felt like a normal woman who had normal cramps.

You pull at his hand to make eye contact, gleaming with excitement.

"I did it!"

He just smiles in confirmation, as if he knew you could do it all along that is until your face twists and your uterus is being rung out again.

The pain comes flooding back and with it frustrated tears. A slam of a fist agaisnt tile as you let out an audible sob. Bakugou smooths back your hair before tilting your face towards his.

"I will be with you until you can ease your own pain." He kisses your lips gently before adding, "And if for whatever fucking reason you can't I will *always* be here."

He presses his forehead to yours gazing into your eyes and you had never realized how much you needed this.

Him.

That even his support was enough to ease your suffering. He stands, rewets your rag with cold water, places it gently onto your forehead as he returns to normal rough self.

"Now soak in this bath and don't fucking move while I make dinner." He plays soothing music on your phone before slamming the door to the bedroom shut.

Hastily opening google onto his own phone as he makes his way to the kitchen to prepare you a meal plan that will help strengthen the nervous system and dispel inflammation.

Thinking only of how he will always support you, even if it meant putting everything on hold once a month for the rest of his life.

#bnha ask #bnha ask prompt #bakugou fluff #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bnha x reader #bnha x y/n #bnha x you #bnha prompt #bnha fanfiction #bnha fluff #bnha katsuki #bnha bakugou #bnha kacchan

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texanredrose · 5 years ago

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Since it was the first of your stories I found, I would love to see the director's commentary on "Omega's Strength" if you're willing.

Yo, Omega’s Strength is definitely a passion project (that’s nearing completion!) that I love with all my heart. I’m almost to the scene that sparked the whole story and I genuinely can’t wait, the anticipation is killing me!

Aside from being extremely self indulgent, Omega’s Strength is the first time I’ve actively re-written the rules of something established. Sure, I love my AUs, but when it’s an AU of my own design, I can make my own rules. Omegaverse AUs, on the other hand, are almost defined by the fact they all use the same rules. Most of which, I hate, because they’re stupid. So, I decided to make my own AU of an AU to incorporate elements I actually wanted to see- using heat and scent marking and such in a positive, conscious way rather than... well... the borderline-not-consent way most stories use them.

This is arguably one of the stories I put Yang through the most shit. It focuses heavily on Yang’s poor state of mind and self image following the amputation of her arm and really dwells on it, for the purpose of showing how to overcome it. That’s the main thing about Omega’s Strength that I don’t think gets mentioned enough; yeah, I put Yang through shit, and her bad headspace allows her to make some bad decisions, and she hurts herself almost as much as the events she goes through hurt her. However, through the course of the story, she gets stronger. She picks herself up, puts herself back together- and that’s a big thing for me. It’s not someone else fixing her. It’s not someone else making everything okay. It’s Yang reaching her lowest, realizing it, and saying ‘fuck this’, and then clawing her way out. She has her friends and family for support, sure. She can lean on them when she needs to, even when she’s being too stubborn to ask for help. But, she’s the one being proactive and taking the steps she needs to heal. Confronting herself, her situation, her reality. Gritting her teeth and doing the work to get back to a better state of mind. Rediscovering her confidence.

There’s a companion piece to Omega’s Strength that I’m working on as well, told from Winter’s POV, which is something I generally don’t do for my fics. Offhand, I’ve only done this one other time with Monochrome, and fairly recently; once I’ve told a story from one perspective, I typically don’t revisit the same events. For this one, though, I feel like I have to, because Omega’s Strength, for all the angst, only tells a small fraction of the story. It’s taking a world spanning trek to save the people of Remnant and giving the reader only one set of eyes to see it through. It’s limiting- which works, in some respects, to amplify the drama, because all the events are only examined in how they affect Yang- but it leaves a lot unsaid. We see how Yang interprets Winter’s actions and intentions, but not how Winter intended them to be taken, so I look forward to finishing the story, and then releasing Winter’s side of things. I’ve often said that, for all that Yang suffers through the story, Winter suffers just as much, it’s just not shown. While the saying goes “show, don’t tell” sometimes not showing everything and not telling everything ends up painting a much more interesting picture in the long run. Stories like Omega’s Strength are more akin to puzzles, each piece of which an agonizing journey to find and fit together, but when you step back and see the whole picture... it’s something else.

This is also one of the few fics where I incorporate a ton of OCs. Amusingly enough, Terry Cotta (the first of their name) and their team was designed back in V2 as a direct response to someone else claiming there was only one way to make an OC team in RWBY. Long story short, the person claimed that the team ‘motif’ shouldn’t be decided until the end, after character creation. So I said ‘fuck that’, picked two motifs to blend together, and created the characters that way. Terry Cotta, Dal Semper, Aegean Forecastle, Rudy Cirrus, and one as of yet unintroduced character draw their inspiration from the five branches of the American Military (also, fuck, now I have to make a sixth for the dumbass space forces, good grief) and five branches of emergency services. Terry Cotta, of course, represent the Army and Police, that’s where they get their name, and why they’re both Winter’s best friend and her worst enemy, depending on the AU (I might fall into both categories myself but I’m also highly critical of my chosen professions). Dal Semper represents the Marines and Firefighters, which is why she’s characterized as being stubborn, direct, and hotheaded. Aegean Forecastle is the Navy and EMTs/Paramedics, which is why he’s the polar opposite to Dal and often watching her back. Rudy represents the Air Force and Search and Rescue, specifically mountain rescues, which informs his quiet but dependable nature. The last member of the team represent the Coast Guard and Dispatchers and as the Coast Guard is often neglected when talking about the branches of the military while Dispatchers are often forgotten in terms of emergency services, she’s often in the background getting shit done rather than on the front lines with the others. Together, they form Team TARDIs (which I admittedly offered as a cheeky joke to piss off the person mentioned earlier) but formally named the Atlas Rapid Response Team, or ARRT for short, keeping the color themed naming convention intact. Because of what they represent, I’ve always headcanoned that ARRT would be opposing Team RWBY in some way, because they represent organizations that should benefit the public, but can be misused to the public’s detriment, and I always wanted that to be a recurring theme with the characters. It’s why Terry’s such a little shit in almost every incarnation, whether they’re allied with Winter or not. Terry- and the rest of their team- ultimately has the best of intentions but not so great execution, and it entirely depends on who they’re following. When they follow Ironwood, they get used to devastating results, but when they follow Winter/Team RWBY, they’re much more helpful.

On the other hand, there’s Team SNOW. They are as much a result of me being cheeky as me interpreting the color rule to its logical extreme. Stryker, for instance, has a predominantly predominantly black and white color scheme. This isn’t because she’s from Atlas; it’s because she’s a soccer ball. Her name makes me think of soccer (football, for you non-American folks), and that makes me think of the black and white balls used for matches. Nigel? Makes me think of Nigel Thornberry and his ridiculous orange mustache, which is why he’s Inexplicably British(tm). Oswald? Makes me think of that one otter Pokemon, which is predominantly blue. Wisteria? A running joke in some of my other Elderburn fics, a rejected name for Winter and Yang’s kids because Yang wants to follow the ‘W’ naming rule but Winter doesn’t. Ergo, makes me think of white and yellow and blue and purple and all the other colors associated with Winter and Yang. There’s a lot of ways to read ‘evocative of color’, and I took it to its furthest possible conclusion, not just literal translations but more of a word association exercise.

Also, yes, I hate Stryker with a passion. Is it because I used to be a goalie? Possibly.

#TRR asks

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gayasianminimalist · 5 years ago

Text

Dear Future Deanna,

You are about to go off to college, and afterwards starting your great big life. Therefore you may never see this message future Deanna. But I won’t lose hope because maybe you’ll have this with you without knowing it. Anyways, good luck in college, hope you make the most of it because you only get once chance in college. Make good choices, but at the same time take some risks or else you will forever regret not being bold. It’s okay if you make any mistakes because I’m sure you’ll learn from them and become better. And another thing future Deanna, live in the moment and don’t think too far ahead.

-Deanna Wong June 1, 2015

Dear past Deanna,

Well 2 years later I managed to find this mini notebook and see what I wrote to myself awhile back. Past Deanna, I have certainly made some mistakes and done things I couldn’t imagine myself doing 2 years ago! I have met some of the most important people in my life these past couple years, especially this past school year. I hit the gym pretty often which is a very necessary thing in my life but I don’t exactly have access to a gym at the moment. I’ll make do this summer with @ home exercises and probably running in the mornings hopefully starting tomorrow. I kind of hit a big wall at the end of my 1st year at UCSD, I failed 2 classes and passed with a B and I’m waiting to take the other class still. My gpa definitely tanked but now I have above a 3.0 again which is my goal gpa to maintain for the rest of my years here. I see my handwriting hasn’t changed too much so I’ve reached my max as far as writing legibility. I’m cleaning out my desk right now and there are definitely a lot of old Deanna history hidden in these drawings. Hmm so I’ve left my college journal at school, but I only wrote in it probably twice this whole school year. Way to keep record of what’s happening. So something that has definitely changed my life was starting my rave life. EDM really has had an impact on me and I decided to give ecstasy a go. It is quite the euphoria, but in great moderation. Gave me the happiest feeling in the world. I’m so glad my friends have been gracious enough to let me have this experience. So I’m not saying drugs are good, but they’re sure really fun. This past spring quarter I tried shrooms and that trip definitely gave me one of the weirdest days of my life. Everything just felt sort of off, but I saw everything a bit differently visually. And then more often than not I had those nights of being drunk, stoned, or crossed af. Like I knocked out pretty hard on some nights. Next year I definitely need some self control over these type of nights. IDK if my body can handle such tough treatment anymore. Anyways I joined a frat, and now I have 2 littles in my frat. They’re super cool but I need to find a way to connect all of us next year because they’re kinda polar opposites. I don’t wanna think about this too hard though so I’ll just continue on this much needed spheal. Also an update on my love life: non-existent. I’ve been single for a solid 20 years since I’ve been alive. Also I’m 20 what... how dis happen. Going off on a tangent, I think I have found that photos are very important to me. All the memories I have captured, I can’t even begin with how blessed I feel forever with such great memories. I would say my second year of college was definitely better than my first year. I wanna stop here past Deanna since I’ve given you the gist of my college thus far. Now to write to future Deanna again.

-Deanna Wong July 12, 2017

Dear Future Deanna,

So what past Deanna said, keep living in the moment, take lots of pictures, and make more new friends, but remember to keep your old ones. Maybe try dating someone before the end of college, or not but you need a person in your life I think, or maybe I’m wrong and it’s better that you’re independent all through college. Whatever happens, happens. Also keep living your healthy life, go gym, hike, eat right, and so on. And don’t feel so bad on not so good days, stress eating gets to everyone. Try to say no to people, you can’t be influenced all the time. Otherwise you’ll never learn to have things your way. You can be helpful to people too, but sometimes you should make sure you get your own shit together first. I think you have all the tools needed to succeed in the rest of college and life, so make your choices wisely.

-Deanna Wong July 13, 2017

Dear past Deanna,

I think I’ve gotten college life down, better than my first 2 years for sure. I still am making mistakes though, kind of had some bad incidents as far as my behavior record with UCSD, but on my way to fixing that. Nothing that’ll put me on hold for graduating, I just have to deal with business and this should all be over next quarter. Long story short I passed out at an on campus event and I have some consequences to deal with but it’s all on me, I have to fix things. On the bright side, everything in my academics are right again. Above a 3.0 and I am on track to graduate by next spring. It’s really hard to write into this tiny notebook. I’m writing very intensely I’m sweating a little. It’s also not the coolest temperature. Sacramento brings the heat. In terms of my social/party life, this past year of college, and within the last quarter, has exceeded my first 2 years. Well part of the reason has been because I turned 21 this year. Legal drinking is a whole new game. You would think I can control myself at this point, but I still can’t some nights. I’ve definitely opted out of drinking a lot more this year. Self-control is getting better. A lot of seniors I grew close to this year are graduated now. It makes me really sad but I need to learn to get through this year without them. They are all going on their own paths for the future, and I wish them all the best and to visit me next year! My love life got a little bit spicier this year, but nothing drastic happened where I need to announce it. Still no girlfriend and I really want to have one more and more. Still actively using dating apps. Well just more recently since its summer now and I don’t have much else to do. Just trying to recharge myself mentally. I think a lot of things that happened this year has given me a bit of a mental drain. I think i actually like attention but I may have gotten more than I need for a year. My 21st birthday is the most extra day I’ve had in my life. Everything was funny, everyone was dressed up, and there were a lot of gifts. The best thing was all my friends being there just to celebrate my friend Nat and I turning on year older. Like it shouldn’t be that huge of a deal, but it became a big deal just because we wanted it to be. This really should be more of advice for future me like the 2 past me’s, so I’m gonna do that instead of blabbing about my life. i’m supposed to do that somewhere else. Alright it’s there, peace past me.

-Deanna Wong July 5, 2018

Dear Future Deanna,

Not sure what to say. Well if past Deanna has been able to accomplish all she has up to now, future Deanna can keep up this level of excelling life plus more. You’re literally about to enter the actual adult world after this year. You need to figure out your plan even if you don’t want to. You gotta make moves to get where you want. Such as staying home or moving out as soon as possible. Get a woman, it’s time to be more proactive about your love life because if you don’t make moves, no one’s gonna do it for you. Maybe tell people how you actually feel if you feel for them. Still have to take risks. I don’t think past Deanna has taken any REAL risks. Like a risk that makes you sweat and super anxious beforehand but could be very worth it. But you’ve always had a logical side, so maybe listen to it if it’ll make your life better in the long run. I’ll continue later but I have to eat first. You are your own grown ass adult now, speak up for what you want. You can’t let other people dictate your outcome of situations. Take control of you situation. Take control of your situation. Be a good friend. You’ve gotten better at it by leaps and bounds, but there’s always room for self-improvement. Be appreciative of how far you’ve come. Don’t beat yourself too much, you still tend to do this from time to time. Take your own advices? I don’t think you’ve had to apply this yet, but you could try giving yourself a few pointers. Keep yourself tidy. Clean your room more often when you’re at school. Things pile up, and a cleaner space tends to give you a clearer mind. Keep in touch with those you don’t see as often. You tend to spend all your time with one group of people instead of reaching out more. This is why you don’t see some people enough. Develop this skill now and it’ll translate in the future. I think I’ll keep it to this for now, you’ll gain more wisdom as you endeavor into your final months at UCSD. Stay lit, stay safe, and be you. :)

-Deanna Wong 7/30/18

This is just some back and forth between myself that I had for the first 3 years of my college life. I’ll save my last year for another post. I feel like between each year I had some improvements, but a lot of the stupid stuff I did more or less are from all my non-sober nights in college. It’s kind of the same thing over and over but just with different people and different circumstances. Looking back at everything now, I’ve really become a lot more of a stable person. I don’t regret a single moment of undergrad. Although I find it really strange I felt like I needed to have a girlfriend at some point. I honestly with so occupied with my own life that I really did not need to add someone else to the equation. And even now I’m still kind of ok with my independence, maybe a bit too ok with my independence. I think honestly the right person will just come at the right time. I really think I need to give the meeting someone in the real world a shot. Well not now since California is in a lockdown but after this pans over I’ll try to go out there and find the love of my life.

Stay safe out there y’all and don’t go spreading too many germs. I’m out gonna be raving in my house haha.

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magicalgirlfumiko · 5 years ago

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2. An early OC I remember making

I am a loser nerd that has been on the RP scene since 2006 in various means. It really wasn’t until 2009 that I can say that I established a strong world setting and character feel. So I’ll just post two of my main characters from a science fantasy thing I should be writing on as a book but I don’t feel like it:

"We all have to endure crap. No matter the form it takes, no matter what species you may be, hardships come with the territory."

"When it all comes down to it, I'm just a brat who, having spent most of her life doing for others, just wants to live her own life and make her own choices and mistakes. WHO JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN!"

"There are times I feel if I were to vocalize what really went through my head at times people would look at me much differently. With either awe or disgust or a combination of both. Heh."

"The biggest thing I've ever wanted out of life is to become a strong, ever-evolving person who is more than capable of following her curiosity, exploring and meeting head on whatever comes her way. I definitely have the fire inside of me to do so, but until recently...what I realize what I lacked most is a specific focus for all that energy."

GENERAL CHARACTER STATISTICS

Character Name: Skie JungbluthName Meaning: Simply from the English word sky, which was taken from the old Norse word for “cloud.”Alias: NoneGender: FemaleClan: AetherAge: 24B-Day: March 21Zodiac Sign: AriesPlace of Birth: Eternium, Zeledin

Current Residence: The airship, Ethereal (she did not wish to name it that. Skie lost a bet with her boyfriend Mel. It marks the only time she has ever lost one). Skie is almost always on her custom airship which serves as her main home since her 'assignments' take her all over the known world. As a result, most of Skie's work takes place on her ship.

Occupation: Smuggler, Aryeh's mentor. Professional Gambler.

School/Grade: Finished College

Family: Joshua Jungbluth (Father), Lassilsa Jungbluth (Mother), Bill Jungbluth (Brother)

Gemstone: Diamond

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

Height: 167.64 cm

Hair: She has brown hair. Her curls help to soften her square face shape, while the long side-swept bangs bring the focus to those piercing yellow eyes. Skie keeps her hair shoulder length or just a little below. Before she became a smuggler, she often wore her hair long and flowing just like her mother but has shortened it to be look less like a kid in her mind's eye.

Eyes: Yellow and catlike. The reason for this is because of her usage of arcane magic. Unlike Rane, who used external energy from others, Skie is attempting the same kind of mysteries but at the cost to her own body.

Distinguishing Marks: None

General Appearance: Skie’s eyes are usually sharp, alert and often almond shaped. She typically flushes when she feels excited. When Skie hears good news, red color will flood her face. Angry: You can always tell when she is truly angry because she will turn quite red. She also flushes when she is embarrassed or when she over exerts herself such as when exercising. She is handsome and she knows it. Skie is powerfully built but still has a womanly body.

General Clothing: Skie likes to dress classy but comfortably. Her normal wears are a white button shirt, a brown waist length jacket, black slacks, and sometimes a tie. In colder weather, she wears her father’s old brown leather trench coat which is held shut by short leather tabs.

Strengths: Skie is very adept with Aether magic. This is the power from WITHIN. It is based upon the soul, the powers that are deep within the essence of who you are. The lesser known of the styles, Aether powers are often channeled through emotions and desires.

As a swordsman, Skie's abilities are lackluster; however, those around her have noted that her fighting style, however unrefined, is heavy hitting and vicious. As it turns out, Skie's style and progress mirror that of her father.

Weaknesses: The weakness of her magical style is that it comes completely from her own body, so if she is injured or drugged or unconscious, those powers can be interrupted. It is also based upon strong desires, so her emotions must be in tune with what she wants. One of the fundamental issues with her is that she literally has a well of power inside herself. She has to constantly use magic to prevent too much from building up inside her at once.

Skie is prone to have headaches, particularly migraines, and depression because of these powers.

More: Weight: 51 kg, Breast: 81 cm, Waist: 53 cm, Hips: 84 cm

MENTAL CHARACTERISTICS

Allies: Mel and Aryeh. Skie is a good friend, she always looks out for her friends with caring and generosity and will protect them should the need arise and encourage them with her natural optimism.

Enemies: Medus and the Yellow Brother's are her main rivals, but Rane is the bigger danger.

Current Goal/Purpose: She is sent out to find Medus by her brother. He has promised her a lot of money to do so.

Aspirations: She wants to succeed where others have failed. Skie wants to explore the world, change it to fit her whims and do her best at life.

Hobbies: Skie likes activities that involve mobility and less concentration like war games, fast sports, motor racing, gambling, and vibrant music. However, she also likes to grill and come up with meals.

Likes: Action, Coming in first, Challenges, Championing Causes, and Spontaneity

Dislikes: Waiting Around, Admitting Failure, No opposition, Tyranny, other people’s advice

Talents: She’s skilled at games of chance. Skie is also skilled with fixing up and redesigning airships.

Inabilities: Selfish and quick-tempered, Impulsive and impatient, Foolhardy and daredevil, if confronted, Skie can turn to be quite childish; she will fight back with her aggressive nature.

Fears: Feeling that her identity is threatened. Self-preservation is a primal instinct and goal for her.

General Personality: Skie loves to explore new ground. She reminds her friends that every moment is new and that life is about experimentation and discovery. It is through experiences that we develop and mature. We are here to advance our soul growth. We are not here to find a static, comfortable situation. We are here to go for the gold and to answer the call of our soul. We are engaged in an on-going process to release our resistance and to transmute all forms of fear into courage and compassion.

Skie is a courageous leader with a genuine concern for those she commands. Being a responsible lady, it is rare that she will use her subordinates to obtain her own objectives as a leader, but occasionally it does happen. She does not make a very good follower because she is too "taking charge".

Skie may be unwilling to obey or submit to directions for which she can see no reason, or with which she disagrees. She is much concerned with self, both positively and negatively - self-reliant but also self centered (sometimes) and concerned with her own personal advancement and physical satisfaction. Her immense energy makes her aggressive and restless, argumentative occasionally, headstrong, quick tempered, easily offended and capable of holding grudges if she feels affronted.

Skie is intellectual and objective, but can be in rare situations bigoted and extremist in politics. She is a champion of lost causes and last-ditch resistance.

Inner Personality: Skie is quick-witted but sometimes foolhardy and over-optimistic, lacking thoroughness and the ability to evaluate difficulties regarding the undertakings into which she often rushes impulsively. The great need of Skie is to exercise an iron self-control, to discipline the qualities and tendencies of her character to the advantage, not the detriment, of the society in which she moves.

Fondest Memory: Winning all the money out of the casinos that are present in Eternium.

Biggest Regret: None so far, she has lived a pretty good life so far and rarely decides to focus on the past.

Secret: She also loves the color pink.

SPECIALTY CHARACTERISTICS

Special Items: The Ivory Cross that Skie wears. It is the symbol used on Chenoan flags. This is used to show her support of the Chenoan cause against Rane.

Magic: Aether Lightning, Skie’s only usable combat spell as an arcane magus. Raw Aether magic arcs from her hands as lightning allowing limited ranged combat capabilities.

HISTORIC BACKGROUND

General History: Skie's upbringing was fairly typical for an upper middle class family in post-war Zeledin. After the Zeledin War, her father stayed out of the limelight. While Joshua was one of the founders of the Category following Rane's disappearance, he never sought a lot of personal wealth. He believed that it was better for his children to grow up modestly. When she was younger, it never crossed her mind that she’s the daughter of Joshua Jungbluth. Most of her childhood she moved around a lot since Lassilsa didn’t want to stay in the former capital of her queen. Skie and her brother didn’t get along even from this early age.

Lassilsa was her main teacher, since Joshua himself never mastered any magical abilities. Like her father, Skie’s genes were “overspecialized” with a connection to Aether. Thus, with her magical prowess in aether magic allowed her to attend the Eternium Military Academy. At age 22, she graduated with Study in Arcane magic. It was attending the school that she became close friends with Mel Rogero. They have been dating ever since.

Shortly after her graduation, Skie enlisted into the Category's AeroCorps, in Zeldin's capital city of Eternium. She wished to distance herself from the legacy of her father while enlisted, so she was made a junior officer on the CAC Drake. It was an unremarkable time for her on the airship. Her time in the military was very short. She was kicked out for being too hot headed.

At age 24, Skie left the AeroCorps and enlisted herself to be an aging bounty hunter. He gave her a new task; being a pilot and mentor figure. Her new role was to train Ary Fairwater in Arcane studies, which puzzled her. She dislikes being a teacher and doesn’t want a teen getting in her way. To this day she continues to indirectly train Ary. Though, it seems that it is Mel that does a lot of the mentoring.

Skie was recently hired by her brother to force Medus Tenpenny into the Category's Elite Unit. In response, Mel Rogero was hired to be her bodyguard by Lassie. Skie is more than aware that The Category might have plans to make Medus their trump card when they finally intervene on the war between Chenoa and Rane's forces.

Why not? One's gotta feel confident in a uniform."

"Because Skie is amazing. She has been putting in so much hard work and it payed off big time. It doesn't matter if she's not considered a "real" magus by Category standards. She is amazing as her own kinda woman."

"Once, I had a fortune told to me and usually I never take them into thought...This one I did. It said,"Greet your friends with open arms and happiness will come to you." I seriously sat there, frozen while reading it. I took it as, I should stop being so distant and accept my friends...Bring them back into my life, even if I'm not with them. I hope I can though."

"Don't you hate when you really want to say something,but don't know what?"

GENERAL CHARACTER STATISTICS

Character Name: Mel RogeroName Meaning: Mel is a pet name of Maethelwine, which means “Meeting Friend.”Alias: NoneGender: Male

Age: 25B-Day: 2/26Zodiac Sign: PiscesPlace of Birth:ChenoaCurrent Residence: Skie’s AirshipOccupation: Skie’s Body Guard. Seat of Water, Unit ZeroSchool/Grade: Finished High SchoolFamily: MJ Rogero (Sister). Other relatives not mentioned.Gemstone: Moonstone

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

Height: 180 cm (5’11”)

Hair: Mel wears his black hair (almost violet) really long, which is considered the sign of an unmarried warrior in the Moon Clan. It is kept braided by white wraps.

Eyes: Blue

Distinguishing Marks: He wears one beaded earring in his left ear.

General Appearance: Mel is a gentlemen and not sloppy in his overall appearance.

General Clothing: Mel loves the color black and wears a military inspired tunic and trousers. When not in combat, he wears a purple cape to add to the ensemble, the sign of his family. This has more to do with tradition than anything else. Since Mel is the only male son in his family, it suggests that he’ll inherit the title of his father someday. It also keeps him warm in the colder regions of Mirabella.

Strengths: Some think of him as weak because, like water, he takes the path of least resistance. But by flowing on, resisting nothing, Mel overcomes all and his freedom from self (his greatest secret strength) provides him with limitless access to imagination (his second greatest secret strength). His emotions are known to guide his heart and his mind. Mel possesses a great trait that allows him to come in contact with a variety of emotions and not pass judgment on an individual.

Weaknesses: Mel does not have many combatant spells, since he put most of his focus on using overclock and natural smarts. Mel is also very meek, while this could also be considered a merit; Mel cannot take the life of an enemy, for he is a very religious follower of the Moon Goddess.

MENTAL CHARACTERISTICS

Allies: The Category

Enemies: None.

Current Goal/Purpose: Mel is Skie’s bodyguard and boyfriend. He is a man who enjoys helping and serving others. Mel is very observant and examines each person and situation closely. He is a dreamer, which allows him to relate intimately to Skie. Mel gives to her, a certain peace and security. He always tries to avoid all possible arguments with her.

According to Ivy Veyado, Mel makes Skie more docile and convenient. He shields her against her enemies and is able to pacify her fears and give her the emotional security she needs. Mel often possesses the fiery command and gentle nature which makes a perfect blend to keep her satisfied and affectionate.

Aspirations: To help everyone he meets to the best of his ability.

Hobbies: Mel finds infinite pleasure in the simple things, like the smile of a stranger, the touch of a child, or the tweet of a bird as it feathers its nest. Mel likes telling stories, painting, cooking, watching good cinema, and collects clothes from foreign nations.

Likes: Solitude to dream in, mystery in all its guises, anything discarded to stay discarded, the ridiculous, likes to get 'lost'

Dislikes: The obvious, being criticized, feeling all at sea about something, know-it-alls, and pedantry.

Talents: Healing magics, cooking, making tea, etc.

Inabilities: Escapist and idealistic, secretive and vague. Can sometimes be bossed around by Skie.

Fears: Upheavals are abhorrent to Mel, and stay with him for days but, it is not always understood, that he absorbs all kinds of atmospheres like a sponge and, just as the power of the sea takes time to settle after a storm, so Mel needs to be allowed time and space alone, to recover his inner calm.

General Personality: Mel possesses a gentle, patient, malleable nature. He has many generous qualities and is friendly, He is good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around him, and responds with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering he encounters. Mel is deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because his easygoing, affectionate, submissive nature offers no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters.

He accepts the people around him and the circumstances in which he finds himself rather than trying to adapt them. Mel patiently waits for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. He is more readily concerned with the problems of Skie than with his own.

His nature tends to be too otherworldly for the practical purposes of living in this world as it is. He sometimes exists emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually. Mel longs to be recognized as greatly creative. Any rebellion he makes against convention is personal; however, as he often times does not have the energy or motivation to battle against the Establishment.

Inner Personality: Mel has an intuitive and psychic ability more than any other character in the series. He trusts his gut feelings and if he does not, he quickly learns to because he realizes that his hunches are usually correct.

Mel’s downfall is his sensitivity and his inability to reject another person. He does not like rejection and se tries to treat others the way they want to be treated so he will rarely say no to a person for fear of hurting their feelings.

He will help another person with their problems and like to do so because making others feel good in turn makes him feel good.

His inner conflict is extremes of temperament and conflicting emotions. He wants to learn to use his powers and his imagination in a positive, productive way.

Fondest Memory: He has many. But in reality, his fondest memories always involve spending time with Skie and making sure that she is always smiling.

Biggest Regret: He has a tendency to act like a “savior” and these are a number of times in which he was not able to help everyone that he deems needed his help.

Secret: Mel loves Skie with all his heart and secretly wishes to marry her someday. She is one of the few people who have faith in his dreams. His qualities create an excitement within her and she respects Mel whole-heartedly. To him, Skie has enough fire to spark his desires and lead him to great accomplishments, and give him the faith he needs to stand for dreams and wishes. She has always fiercely defends him in the past against those who judge him inaccurately due to his dreamy nature. She brings excitement and vigor to his life and teaches him to be a bit more practical.

SPECIALTY CHARACTERISTICS

Special Items: The Purple cloak that he is often seen wearing. It is a sign that he is from a long family of knights that work for the crown family of Chenoa. While this is more of a honorary role in the present, he is still proud of his background.

Weapons: A blade for back-up. Mel is a technical pacifist; meaning he is willing to beat people up as much as he wants. He may even get a few fatalities through. However, once it comes down to a choice between killing and not an opponent, Mel will not kill. He uses his sword in non-lethal ways to defeat his foes and to defend Skie.

Whip of the Rip Tide: A whip forged from the strongest batch of ather ever found thus far, it is a Class A weapon that is capable of causing major flooding and water spouts. It is a highly dangerous weapon that only Mel can wield with proper effect. It can also be used as a normal whip or lasso.

Magic: Mel’s magic is focused on using Overclock as his main area of study. In this case, he can separate the processes of his brain and excels at multitasking on things like paperwork and cooking. This is how he is able to use his sword effectively.

Mel does have access to using the powers of Dark Flames, which are a purple flames that extend from his palms and quickly engulfs foes in a cold binding chain. Mel’s other magic includes portal openings and displacements of weapons.

The common belief is that no one can best Mel in non-lethal combat.

HISTORIC BACKGROUND

General History: Mel is the youngest child in his family. His mother went out of her way to spoil him and make sure he excelled at something other than the normal soldiery activities of the Rogero family. Though, in the end he still chose the mantle of being a knight.

Being a member of Chenoa’s court, he had access to many of the best schools in the nation. There Mel learned all the trades to be a Knight in the royal court. However, he soon decided that he’d be better off working within the Category, since Chenoa didn’t have all the fun of the modern world like Zeldin did.

After finishing up his basic schooling, he went on to the Military Academy. During his time off, Mel would wander around the city day dreaming. It was on one of these walks that he first met Skie following one of her storming off from her barracks. She was a very different girl from the ones in Chenoa. One could almost say that she was exotic to him. .

Mel would then become an acquaintance of Lassi, Skie’s mother. Lassi’s goal was to attempt to get them to become a couple. Her greatest fear is that Skie will die a soldier. When Skie left the military, Lassi requested that her daughter be barred from Unit Zero. Skie was then recommended to become a mentor, a job not suited for her fiery spirit. Knowing that her daughter might try to run off and doing something foolish, Lassi has hired Mel to be her bodyguard. Mel was more than happy to take the assignment. While still very shy to Skie, they have known each other for a long enough time that he feels that he can get closer to her this way.

#meme #ooc #thx-memorabilia

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cthulhuoflongisland · 5 years ago

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Honestly not to get Controversial but like.....I don’t know how much stock I can put into cognitive behavioral therapy, at least for treatment in general. Like maybe my one bad experience w/ it is influencing my perceptions but I’m just not sure my depression is caused by “disordered/irrational thoughts.” I’m not sure if it has a specific cause at all. I can’t trace my depression back to disparaging thoughts I’ve had about myself, or traumatic events. One day it just kind of....happened. And got worse as the years went on, even when the outside circumstances of my life got better. My symptoms never seem to be lessened by trying to rationalize a situation, or forcing myself to do the things I need to do despite being miserable. My feelings and symptoms before and after I clean the house, feed myself, shower, make important phone calls or any other sort of necessary function don’t really change.

In fact, constantly forcing myself to take care of things had the opposite effect after a while in that I literally could not force myself to keep going to class, doing my homework, eating, sleeping and showering all in one day without having a complete breakdown, as if my brain just physically could not handle doing all those things at once no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted those things. Even things that I enjoyed just became one more chore that was tipping my brain into overload territory. The constant fatigue and lack of energy never, ever went away, and they still don’t, no matter how much I exercise or eat well, or how many times I tell myself I can do it and must do it. I don’t constantly feed myself a negative line of thoughts; I don’t seem to have a ton of active thought in general when it comes to these symptoms. They don’t seem to be triggered by thoughts or negative experiences. They’re just...there, suddenly, sometimes before I even realize what’s happening.

For a long time I thought it might be environmental factors, too, and I honestly hoped that it might be a contributing factor for a while, because then moving or going to college would improve it. But I went to college, and despite everything I still felt the same, in both my first and second schools. I eventually moved from a rundown basement to a nice, cozy apartment, with lots of windows, beautiful architecture, basic utilities that could be replaced if they broke, no constant threat of mold and bugs and rats, a backyard that was huge and full of flowers and landlords that don’t completely suck. But that didn’t change anything either. I didn’t feel grateful or happy that I had all these things I was deprived of from childhood. I just stayed on that same numb-miserable scale. It’s like it didn’t register at all.

Maybe I’m overlooking some things or just don’t understand myself like I think I do but....I don’t think that a lot of my symptoms will be alleviated by analyzing my thought process, or trying to find disordered thoughts to fix. I can’t help but think that a lot of this is chemical, and not something that I’m inadvertently causing by negative thinking. I wish I could at least speak to a psychiatrist, to see what they think. It doesn’t help that every professional I’ve seen has told me wildly different things about what I should do, and about if medication will help me or is just a crutch I’m trying to use that I don’t really need, but God I’m so tired. I don’t get why getting in contact with someone who can help you is so hard but then trying to figure out what will actually help you is harder.

#This is really long and may not make a lot of sense #But it's mostly just me trying to work through stuff and understand what the hell is going on with me #I mean maybe I can't trust my own ~disordered brain~ full of irrational thoughts to really understand itself #But so much of the theory behind this just doesn't seem to make sense to me #I just can't really say I trust it even if it was done 'right' by a #'good' therapist #Negative/#Therapy/

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fit-as-fxck · 6 years ago

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HRV and the Autonomic Nervous System

(pls, I just wanna ramble)

Lets talk Heart Rate Variability and the Autonomic nervous system. Nerd alert- this is something I heckin’ love. What we’re looking for here is fine scale variability across physiologic systems. Those little movements between rest are measured when you do a variability analysis. What you’re looking at is information about the autonomic nervous system- how much is rest and digest (parasympathetic) and how much is stress (sympathetic). Besides this, there is something that is called RER (respiratory exchange ratio), using the same algorithm (measuring HRV etc) to measure how the body uses (metabolizes) carbs and fat during training which is really interesting but super difficult to explain. This checks for something called metabolic flexibility using this fine scale variability. The more fine scale variability you have the more parasympathetic your system is, the more you are under rest and digest. As you lose that fine scale variability your risk for heart problems rises. Maybe someone on paper seems that they should be seeing certain results or in a certain state however, if something is off, checking this fine scale variability you may find out that this person is losing the capacity to use carbs for fuel or transition to fats for fuel during certain specific style training etc and you can adjust from there. This is all advanced science though, I don’t see the average person in a gym particularly caring about this but the high level athlete might. The average person doesn’t have an understanding of the short term or long term implications of this. BUT, I think everyone can agree that we all need the ability to manage or even flourish under stress. If you don’t have the ability to be parasympathetic at rest, your body’s ability to buffer stress is going to be impacted. Later I’m going to link this information to where I currently am in my training (which is royally fucked amen).

Let’s look at an example of a client on paper who seems great. HRV is really high, resting heart rate is really low. But how did she feel? Like shit. She could barely get off the couch, couldn’t train, couldn’t even work. By grabbing that snapshot where she probably went though a massive amount of sympathetic stress and at some point her body went from being very sympathetic but her ability to do work kind of gets worse. You don’t feel very good. Sleeping less, training harder and drinking more pre-workout to fix it is the wrong approach. You can get by on it for a period of months, even years, but your system is fucked. Wham, out of no where you become super parasympathetic almost overnight. If you think about the body as a survival based organism, it’s saying “Hey you’ve had all this stress and were trying to shut you down slowly over time. We’re cutting your performance but you keep doing all these things to override it. I’m gonna flip the light switch and make you so parasympathetic you’re not even gonna make it to the gym.” Reaching this point is extremely difficult because your body doesn’t have any sympathetic area to go to. It makes sense in the case of your body being survival based. When you get here we are shutting you down. To recover out of that massive hole takes time, months or years to even get back to baseline.

Now, let’s take someone at rest and make them more sympathetic. Let’s make them do 5x5 deadlifts at the gym and in that instance you WANT the ability to become more sympathetic. You want the ability to use more carbohydrates as a fuel source to create more ATP fast enough to fuel that exercise. On the flip side, when you’re done with that you want the ability to down-regulate (take a stressor and absorb it), to become more parasympathetic. When you’re more parasympathetic we see the body’s ability to use fat is greater. The tricky part is what are the cross over periods. Can we look at someones HVR to see how someones using those fuels or see what those ends of the spectrum are? In general what we see is that someone who is more on the sympathetic side has a much harder time reaching their body composition goals. But let’s go back to heart rate for a minute. If we make your heart more aerobically efficient, an adaptation to that will be a lower resting heart rate. If we’re trying to make someone more aerobically efficient we can use heart rate variability to see if someone became more parasympathetic overtime especially if a taper or deload is involved (pull all the other training stresses away). Resting heart rate can give you a pretty good idea of where you’re at. Again, we’re looking at how high and how low you can go.

Something to note:

Let’s talk about a study done on Monster energy drink. For the sake of research, the caffeine dose was based on body size. The HRV was measured etc what they saw was not too much of a change in HRV, resting heart rate was changed and performance was enhanced slightly with a fair amount of variability. People who were at both ends of the spectrum were analyzed so massive data came out and a conclusion could not be reached very well. BUT the interesting thing about caffeine used in the study like this is sometimes people went very parasympathetic before going sympathetic. Coffee was an entirely different story though!! Variabilities included: caffeine tolerance, absorption rates, and personal neuro-associations with it. Some people drink a cup before they go do something fun, sometimes before lifting. So for someone with a notion about it already, that plays a part on the effect they receive. Take someone who slams 2 cups a day before heavy ass deadlifts, well, their neuro associations was more on the sympathetic side (heavier dose, smell of coffee triggering to get amped up to lift). So this data gets hella messy quite quickly. I just thought that was super neat to mention. Don’t mind my word vomit.

Let’s take HRV and resting heart rate to see how someone should be training. Maybe we take look at it and decide someone shouldn’t be doing anymore sympathetic type training because their system cant recover from it as much. In this way, training can be manipulated to reach different goals- lets say we manipulate it in a way and then they come back and we test their aerobic capacity etc and find out that by adjusting it they essentially saw a better HRV over the long term. Finding that balance between wanting more of that capacity because its indirectly supporting something VS moving away from the thing you’re trying to get better at, is where its at. There are ways in which HVR can be used to manipulate training to reach an end goal that may leave the person better off.

Perception of Lifestyle stressors: (finally, this is what I wanted to get to)

-Take someone whose training should be the most stressful thing in their life right now, their lifestyle stressors should be relatively low or stable. But what we’re finding is it’s actually inverted. Different things dictate this: resting heart rate and also perception. If we have someone training super hard, we pull back the training for a period then what should happen is their HVR improves because we’ve essentially pulled back the biggest stressor in their life. If it doesn’t improve, then something happened that week or there’s some other baseline stress that’s going on. This can be evaluated by getting some context information. What else is going on in your life? Is your life outside the gym feeling like a goddamn dumpster fire?? It’s like filling a water bucket and multiple things can effect the water level if you have multiple things going in and going out. Here’s an example: An athlete whose HRV dropped but he just started his taper and it should be going up over time. Keeps dropping for 4 days. So what else is going on? because the graph isn’t making sense. Well, turns out his wife is getting pregnant, they lost one of their coaches at their gym, and he’s thinking of selling his house, all within the last 4 days. Yeah thats a lot of stress and that makes perfect sense. Eventually things get back on track, his HRV starts going back up but if we didn’t have that context marker we would assume it was his training or body that was going wrong. In a lot of cases we have unconscious stressors too, things we don’t even notice.

-Most stressors are on an individual basis and most of it is based on perception of it. How much of this is based on how we perceive something as a negative or a positive? Take this study for example: Maids at a large hotel we’re split into two groups. First group was told their work was enough activity to satisfy the daily recommendation and was going to help their weightloss. The second group wasn’t told anything but they all moved the same amount. Well, the first group actually lost weight over a series of weeks because they thought what they were doing was effective for weight loss. Take another study: People were given a set amount of pain in their finger and then they changed the visual input to the finger. They had them look through binoculars either the normal way or the opposite way - so the finger looked bigger or smaller. When the finger looked bigger they reported more pain. What’s even crazier is they had a measurement of the local inflammation of the finger itself and in the case where they reported more pain, they actually had more local inflammation. So the body literally listened to the perceptions of the brain. Let’s take another study done on the milkshake: The first group was told the milkshake was super “blah”, the second group was told the milkshake was super thick and fancy and calorie dense with tons of fat. Of course the perception of what they reported as tasting was different and even their hormonal changes were actually different even though it was the same thing. So how much do we actually understand on this? On another note: how much do we know about EMF (electromagnetic fields)? But what are we going to do? Walk around in a bubble? So when you take people’s control of this away and amplify the psychological profile of it, what the heck do u think? But anyways.

Nutrition:

Take someone who is very sympathetic and has a very low HVR. If they’re already very sympathetic what we probably want to do is counteract some of that cortisol and introduce them to more calories and carbs. IN theory the hormone that is opposite of cortisol that we can control is probably insulin. Are we purposely bumping up insulin a little? Yes, but we’re trying to buffer some of the stress in their life. Other interventions are breathing practices, meditation and relaxing more. Take someone who is very active in the gym and ask them what they do to relax and they CANT say go to the gym. The vast majority of the time they’re like idk. The fact is, you need a movement to handle stress and you need a non-movement to handle stress. But if you’re trying to handle stress by adding more stress all the time? Prob not gonna go well. Breathing is probably the biggest intervention to acutely change HRV (more sympathetic to more parasympathetic). Even the eyes can be involed. There is a condition called tree blindness. A person cant tell the difference between trees anymore. In Japan they talk about forest bathing aka walking in the woods and there’s even more interesting information about looking at fractal patterns. Distance is even involved, if you’re staring at your screen all day those little muscles that control the eye get tight because of lack of use. This muscle should be really really fast. When people get really stressed the fine scale muscles of the eye become less and that makes sense because if someone runs into the room with a knife then we’re going to immediately look at that person and we’re not going to try to look at anything else. We’re going to become hyper vigilant because that thing is the biggest threat to us. But some people’s baseline stress is so high that they walk into a room and their eyes don’t even move around much at all, or their head moves with their eyes all the time. This is a tell-tell sign that they’re on the sympathetic side.

I mentioned cortisol above but someone who is sympathetic with low HVR and tries to measure they cortisol, well, it may not always be accurate based on the measurement. But by measuring their HVR and resting heart rate every day they get to see a better pattern. Lets take that person and tell them to meditate every day for 15 minutes. They report that they don’t “feel” any different after 4 days, but lets pull their data and we see that their resting heart rate is getting better and their HRV is going up a little bit. So, that gives them feedback and they get a little bit of a win, a little bit of a dopamine hit to keep moving in the right direction. This can be applied using sleep too. If they have a massive sleep dept then they’re probably gonna need to sleep more for a bunch of nights in a row before they really feel any different. But if they can see their HRV data then they can see that they’re moving in the right direction by seeing a physiologic marker of their system to reinforce those small changes. You’re probably not gonna feel better right away but you can see that its beneficial.

Supplemental Interventions:

Higher calories seem to help most of all because it takes your body out of that state of constant stress. Personally, I fucked up regarding this. I didn’t eat regularly (or enough) and lost my appetite completely for the past 4 weeks further driving my body into this unwanted state. I’m building calories back up again to practice recovering my body back to normal but I’ll get into this later. A few other things are adaptogens (Ashwagana, maca) and reishi mushrooms. Removing caffeine completely is a huge part for me right down. I’m almost completely off caffeine (decaf coffee for me >:[ thx). Currently, I am supplementing with Ashwaganda, Magnesium, An adrenal reset, B vitamins, C vitamins for immune support, Maca root as another adaptogen/stress, Iron, Vitamin D, Fish oil is a given. It sounds like a lot but I shot my system into the ground over the past 2 years due to physical and intense psycho-social stressors (which I wont get into) and never let myself recover from it. Yeah, I fucked up. And then I got super sick and stopped being able to even eat. I carry constant fatigue, my arms feel tired all the time. Another part is how much light exposure do you see (not behind sunglasses or a windshield) to regulate your circadian rhythm? That is an anchor we need. Being tired during the day and then being wide awake when you try to go to bed is absolutely a marker of having a screwed up rhythm. Taking a walk outside and looking up at the trees, no matter how simple that sounds, makes a difference. Cold exposure: I’ll talk more about this when I talk about a recent book but applying cold therapy and thermogenic heat conditioning is a way to apply an acute stressor to combat chronic stress (releasing cortisol and adrenal etc in order to respond correctly to the psycho-social stressors). Dr Rhonda Patrick has amazing information on this. This may not be the best tactic to apply for the average person on the daily (I'm not talking turning the water to cold at the end of a shower to activate the acute stressor, I'm talking more than that). The problem we get into is that fitness is a culture of extremes and sometimes extremes like this don’t need to be applied. Some things we can get a lot of adaptation from with minimal effort. There is a time and place for everything and as much as I love hot yoga, right now I have to stick to normal yoga until my system can take it on.

The average person has decoupled movement from stress. They’re sitting at their desk all day, their boss yells at them and what do they do? They type faster but they don’t have much movement at all under a huge amount of stress without any outlet. If someone is buffering that with high intensity exercise they’re already doing the one thing that is trying to get them more coupled to that stressor. How do we fix those better? I tried and ran myself into the ground. Of course the stress I was under was paired with an intense lack of sleep, getting sick, literally not eating for over 24 hours every day, getting hardly any calories in, not resting and over caffeinated to cover up the weaknesses I was experiencing but eventually it all stopped working for me. Okay, I'm almost done.

HRV is essentially the overall cost of all the stress on the autonomic nervous system. And it’s in charge of a lot of stuff in the body. But it’s not a single predictor of performance. Most people have a very low awareness of their life stressors. Oftentimes, they don’t realize how much of a factor it’s playing until they see the data in front of them.

Personally:

So this is where I am right now. I’m having to learn to be super gentle with myself. I’m tracking several things along with how I feel every single day and sleep etc.

supplementing

sleeping

resting

meditation and breathing exercises

light yoga and mobility

walking and sunlight exposure

managing psycho-social stressors

eating enough calories

tapered myself off of caffeine (its almost non existent for me right now, thank you adrenals for shutting down on me, you motherfucker)

learning to relax

#personal #rambles #march 2019

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actuallylorelaigilmore · 7 years ago

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Schneider + the romances of Penelope Alvarez: meta ramble

So I’ve seen a lot of people discuss the ways that Schneider and Victor mirror each other in S1. And I think that in terms of major story arcs, that comparison is the most important, but we don’t talk enough about the way Schneider mirrors the best aspects of every guy Penelope goes out with.

Victor:

likes to seem tougher than he is

believes nothing is more important than looking out for his family

except maybe his patriotic ideals

struggles with trauma and addiction

Schneider does all of the above, but in much less toxic ways. He’s a big marshmallow who wants to seem like a tough guy--except not if it means hurting people. His pride isn’t more important to him than other people’s feelings. Ever.

He would do anything for the Alvarez family, and they’re not even his. Except they are, because they mean the whole entire world to him. He’ll bust in without hesitation to protect Elena from being alone with a boy who might try to take advantage of her, he’ll have a panic attack over the slightest possibility that Alex might not be safe in his charge, and he’ll let Penelope stab him where it hurts without fighting back if he think it’s what she needs. Because they’re his family.

And unlike Victor, that’s all that he needs to know. It doesn’t matter what they’re dealing with or who they turn out to be, he’s there. Above everything else, he’s always right there.

Victor goes back into active combat because 9/11 makes him feel like he owes it to his country, and to his daughter. I totally get that, for his character, and it helps explain him a bit better when we learn about that in S2. But he’s comfortable making that decision on everyone’s behalf, knowing the risks and knowing that he and his wife had a plan--which didn’t include him deciding to put his country and his fears for his baby’s safety ahead of everything else.

Schneider decides to become an American citizen despite benefiting greatly from being a rich Canadian living in the US...and he does so because Elena convinces him that he might risk losing them if he doesn’t. And the only moment he seems actually worried about the dangers of outing himself as undocumented is when he realizes that getting sent back to Canada would mean never seeing them again.

Victor’s family and love of America is why he does things that change his entire family’s future--without them getting a say.

Schneider’s family and love of America are completely intertwined, and it’s his love for them that motivates his best decisions--not just risky ones.

The decision to go back into the Army is what messes Victor up, with the addictions and the trauma. And his pride and need to be ‘strong’ means he refuses to face it and deal with it, because he’d rather not seem weak by admitting he has a problem or needs help or can’t fix himself on his own.

Schneider’s emotionally barren childhood and loss of what little support system he had as a young adult gave him the trauma that fed into his addictions. And while his is nothing like Victor’s, you can still see it haunts him.

He’s desperate to give and receive love, but terrified of losing it, which leads him to bounce between ‘no strings’ relationships that don’t scare him but do hurt...and considering marriage to anybody who’ll have him, while he puts all of his love on a family that he has no actual rights to, simply because they let him.

Where Victor won’t admit his problems, Schneider goes to rehab six times. And he’s honest about how hard it is to stay sober. Where Victor insists he’s right just because he’s the dad, or the husband, Schneider will apologize when he’s called out--or correct himself. Victor isn’t willing to seem vulnerable or ‘weak’--even when he tries to win Penelope back it’s with smirking bravado and lies. Schneider is willing to rehash the most pathetic, broken parts of his own history to give Penelope courage.

Victor was Lydia’s adored son in law for almost two decades, and when she might die he’s nowhere to be found. Schneider gives her mood lighting and tries not to cry at the thought of losing her.

Schneider doesn’t share Penelope’s culture, like Victor does...but he makes an even larger effort to try, because of his privilege. He learns Spanish, he joins in their meals and events and does his best to be a good ally.

Max:

focuses his life on helping people

loves children and is very family focused

is willing to have a casual relationship, but really wants more than that

charms Penelope’s family, especially her mom

Again, Schneider shares all these traits, they just manifest differently.

He doesn’t need to work, but he uses his time to mentor kids, or teach exercise classes, or give his entire apartment complex the love and attention they each need. He spends his time figuring out, unasked and unpaid, just because he cares, what will make each tenant happy beyond the landlord business he’s actually called for. He doesn’t have the specific type of strength that saw Max (and Victor) through war, but he has the same drive to help others.

Max enjoys Penelope’s kids, and has always dreamed of having a family of his own. In the one exchange we see him have with Alex at the dance, he seems pretty good with him, too.

Schneider claims he’s never really thought about kids for himself, and I think that whether he really hasn’t, or he claims he hasn’t because he already decided long ago that he’s not dad material, it’s easy to understand why he doesn’t have kids of his own. His parents growing up were completely disastrous--neglectful, distant, cruel, inconsistent. His best role models were family employees.

But whatever his thoughts on having kids of his own, he’s really good with them. He supports Elena and looks after Alex and is trusted to watch tenants’ grandbabies---a really high level of trust, especially placed in someone who can come off as careless or incompetent.

And so as a guy who has endless piles of love to give, who learned that he couldn’t expect to consistently receive it, Schneider is completely obsessed with the Alvarez family. He puts them in his art projects, he joins all their family gatherings, he tries to contribute and help out and makes them the center of his world.

He doesn’t need to have kids, to start his own family, because he already found the one he wants. And they let him keep them.

When it comes to his relationship with Penelope, because that’s how we know him, Max is open to a casual relationship from the start, because he likes Penelope and it’s what she wants. But the moment she starts to show signs of wanting things to be more serious, he’s more than ready. It’s actually what he’s wanted all along. He also says ‘I love you’ first, and is the first to bring up kids.

Schneider has casual relationships only, and extolls their benefits to Penelope, but like Max he’s really open to more, and trying to follow his partners’ lead. He considers marriage twice in two seasons, in one case with a woman whose name he doesn’t even know--this is a guy desperate to belong to someone.

He tries to get more affectionate with his non-girlfriend then does his best to look like it doesn’t hurt when she rejects him. The moment she claims him as her boyfriend, in complete opposition to what they agreed their affair is, his response isn’t to try putting things back the way they were. He leaps right to a proposal, as though he was just waiting for her to decide they could be more.

Max wins Penelope’s mom over before they even admit to dating, and Lydia holds him up as the ideal specimen of a man forever after. But despite their styles being totally different, and Lydia coming to see Schneider as more of a sweet idiot who she adopted...before there was a Max to literally sweep her off her feet, Lydia was groping a shirtless Schneider and getting him to check out her ass in public. If he weren’t already family, Schneider would almost certainly win Lydia’s approval as a tall, handsome, charming guy, in spite of not being Cuban.

Ben

supports Penelope through her coming to terms with Elena’s identity

tolerates her mother’s quirky intrusion into their dates

respects Penelope’s boundaries

We have less to work with here, as Ben is only around for two episodes. But he’s the first man we see Penelope date, and it’s very telling that the basic reasons he’s appealing to her are also characteristics Schneider shares.

Because of his own experience with his brother, Ben is able to reassure Penelope that she’s still a good mom and she can love her daughter while she works out her own issues. This is how they bond, enough so that she’s actually willing to date him when she’s been hesitant thus far.

Funnily enough, though, after Elena comes out to her and she realizes she feels weird, where does she go? To Schneider, at one in the morning. Before she meet Ben and he gives her hope that things will get better, it’s Schneider who talks her through her feelings in the immediate aftermath.

Ben never makes it to the stage where he would be expected to meet Lydia. But she intrudes on their dates virtually anyway, even hijacking his phone to keep tabs on them. He is pretty cool about that, where another guy might be bothered by it.

At the same time, Schneider’s entanglement with their family means that Lydia sometimes does the same to him, meddling with his one night stands and sussing out his potential future with a woman he’s willing to take dance tips for. He never minds even a little bit.

One of Ben’s best qualities (that we know of, anyway) before Penelope breaks up with him is his respect for her boundaries. She doesn’t have recent dating experience when they start going out, and her self-imposed rules are a little old-fashioned, but he goes with them. Even when he makes jokes about the number of dates remaining until they take things to the next level, it’s clear he’ll wait.

Schneider wanders around her apartment in a towel, agrees to play her husband at a car dealership, and intimates that he would willingly have sex with her if she wanted because he’s ‘a good friend’...but he is completely respectful of her, he never crosses any lines or even edges near them. No uninvited touches, no lewd remarks, no blatant ogling. With Penelope, he is a total gentleman.

Schneider:

is always there for not just Penelope, but both her children and her mom

is the one she trusts with secrets she won’t even tell her family or her dates

includes her in his hobbies and his relationships, and supports hers

doesn’t lie to her, or encourage anyone else to lie to her

loves her unconditionally, with no expectations or demands

TL;DR Schneider is the guy who Penelope can’t see has everything she’s looking for in a partner, because he’s already standing right there next to her.

#feel free to add to this if you have additional thoughts #schneider #alvareider #odaat #one day at a time #penelope x schneider #schneider x penelope #meta #I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS OKAY #rambling #long post

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years ago

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Survey #192

“i’d love to give you wings, but babe, you’ve got to grow them.”

Where have you lived throughout your life? The same general area in North Carolina. Do you find your job rewarding? N/A What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? I'm sure it was red velvet. To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? I enjoy both, but bagels. Do you paint your nails? No. What’s the last website you signed up for? Good question... maybe a feral dog RP forum I was considering making a character on? Do you check your email everyday? I'm getting into the habit. Have you created any pages on Facebook? Yeah. Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? Social studies/history, math. What’s your favorite song by Dave Matthews Band? I have no idea who that is. Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? Maybe? Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? No. Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? Nooo, not at all. Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover? No. Have you ever had a panic attack? Plenty. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Have you ever had a mouse in your house? Yeah. In our old one, anyway. Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? Not personally, I think. Is anyone you know really religious? Welcome to the South. Yes. Are your eyebrows naturally thick? I'd say they're average. Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? No. I haven't spoken in front of an actual audience since my senior project, though. It was hard, but I think I did well. What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? I'm not sure. Moana may have gotten me a bit teary? But if no, Coco absolutely did. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? I think "hate" is a strong word for it. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes. I legitimately had dark spots on my right leg for a long while. Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow? Juan. Who was the last person to flip you off? Idk, but I'm sure it was playfully. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? Miiiine! And my friend Alyssa's. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? Sure, in rare circumstances. Are you good at following directions? No. I have zer-O sense of direction. Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? Sara. From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? Yeah, behind me. When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? Not unless I'm with my grandmother. She's extremely "proper" about things. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Electric. Are your biceps at all noticeable? No. Have you ever seen a walrus? Are there any at SeaWorld? Otherwise, no. When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? HELL NO. I'm a germaphobe with that stuff. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure? Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer? I don't recall the science behind this theory, so idk. When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? Oh yes, especially if it's someone I'm very close to. Particularly, I can't handle Mom, my sisters, or Sara crying. I've never seen Dad cry, but if he ever did, I know I would bawl. Do you tend to jump to conclusions? Was this written as a direct @me??????? Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? NOPE. I only remember... Sara's, Connie's, Caleb's (just because it's on Halloween), Shaylee's, and that's literally it out of friends/acquaintances. Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? Actually use WiiFit. I'm doing periodic exercises throughout the day, but I need to dedicate more and be able to see my center of balance. Ever pop someone else’s pimple? NONONONONO IT'S SO GROSS TO ME How long does it take you to fall asleep? No less than 15 minutes, I think usually more. Do you crack your neck often? I can't. Did you have a weird dream last night? OH MY GOD YES. I was awkwardly with one of my acquaintances at his house somehow????? and we both seemed very uncomfortable??????? and I think I was high or some shit???????????????? I don't even know this person well enough to like-like him?????????????? Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? My sisters and successful friends. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. But I aim for both. In what way are you your own worst enemy? I criticize. The. Hell out of everything I do. What activities make you lose track of time? Video games. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” Full offense, you're an absolute dick if you do that. Who do you tell your secrets to? Nobody really unless there's reason to, and only ever Sara, Mom, or my therapist. Who do you live with? Mom and the pets. When did/will you graduate? '14 for high school. Idk when I will for college, gotta get there first... When are you moving next? Probably when Sara and I are ready for our own place. When is the last time you took a vitamin? I have to twice a week now, so Thursday, because I have an incredible vitamin D deficiency, and that's probably what's causing my knee problems. Why are you stressed? The everlasting weight loss struggle. Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No. Where do you keep your birth certificate? It's in a safe. How many books are in your room? Uhhh like three? Then one coloring book. Have you ever been IN a wedding? I was the immensely triggered and ugly bridesmaid at my older sister's. Weddings were a very sensitive thing to me at the time, so while I was so happy for Ashley, I had a very difficult time and cried numerous times. What was the last thing you laughed out loud at? I think during a Mark video? Do you have a nickname? Why? "Britt" for obvious reasons, and Mom's called me "Twinkie" since I was a baby. She gave all her children sweets-based nicknames. Fuck out my face if you think that ain't the cutest damn thing. Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No. When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? I think the last time was when Sara said I looked really pretty with eyeliner on and I just eeeeeeeeeek. I'm not often told it. Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? Not romantically. I'd like to see Girt as a bud; I'm gonna invite him to my birthday dinner to hang out. Hopefully he doesn't have work. Want someone back in your life? Yes. Are you currently sad about anything? Weight. Unbelievable difficulty getting my fucking transcript and inability to find my ACT score so I can go back to school. Are you wearing anything shiny? My lip ring has gems on it, and they shine a bit in the right light. How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? I need it. I don't think I could really enjoy a constantly serious person as a partner. How many followers do you have on Twitter? Idk, don't care to check. I only ever use it to be able to like Mark's shit lmao. Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Open so Roman can go in and out. Have you ever been to the beach? Multiple times. Can you handle blood? Doesn't bother me a bit. Do you pay your bills or do your parents? My parents. I have no source of income to. What’s your best friend’s middle name? Jane. Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? In college courses when my mental state was at its worst. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No. Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? No, I don't think so. Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? "Very" is unlikely, but I am dead serious about being at least perfectly financially stable one day. I refuse to live how I have my whole life so far, wondering if rent will be paid each month 'n things like that. Do you remember your first time going to the movies? No. Does eating breakfast make you sick? No. Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute? No. Well, not dying to, but after this whole revelation I had, I really want to apologize to Jason. I wasn't without evil in how I responded to and treated him after the breakup. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I haven't read a series in years. Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? Nooo. Summer sucks and lying in grass is super uncomfortable. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? No. Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Not fading, but literally gone from the keyboard because this one is horrible, even after being "fixed" or replaced (idr). No joke, 21 are gone. Sooo I have to smash those buttons for the sensor or whatever to understand I'm pressing them, to the point my fingers, especially right pointer, are mildly callused. Do any of your close friends have children? No close ones, but one I'm hoping to reconnect more with it expecting. What do you plan on having for dinner? Probably a sandwich and nutrition shake to get enough calories to take my medicine and get the intended effect. Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? The only things I enjoy now are fried rice and eggrolls, but I used to like sweet and sour chicken and bird on a stick or whatever its proper name is. Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? Once. Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? We're not like, "real" friends, but I know a good number of and get along great with the employees at the parlor I'm a regular customer at. I want to work there so badly. Small, environment I feel at home at, great people. Have you ever played flashlight tag? Don't even know what that is. Could you call yourself a movie buff? Not at all. Have you ever had a piercing get infected? A second hole in one of my earlobes, and the first time I got my tongue done, there was an abscess inside that indicated one was likely to form. Thank God that the rollercoaster of The Tongue Piercing Woes has ended. Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? Mom does occasionally. Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? NOOOOO MY LEGS ARE NOT OKAY. Plus I chafe. Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy? Ohhhh I'm sure. I haven't been to her house since I was a kid, but I remember it being like, pristine. Her rooms at her son's is neat as hell too. About how much can you bench press? I have no clue. Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? Yeah. Is anybody in your family a carpenter? Not to my knowledge. Are you avoiding someone? No. Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? I have a gf, and I have never in the least understood how that's a term of endearment. What’s your favorite primary color? Red. What were you for Halloween? Nothing, ugh. I haaave to dress up this year. Do you have any clothes from Walmart? Yeah. When did you get a Facebook? I have no clue. What color are your eyes? Grayish-greenish blue. What motivates you? How far I've already come, wanting a better future than I have now, encouragement from friends, family, my therapist, and psychiatrist, the drive to thoroughly enjoy my one mortal existence. Can you walk in heels? Not well. When was the last time someone asked you your age? Ummm, last time I got something done at the parlor, I think? Do you keep a journal? No. Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? No. Do you wear a ring on your finger? One, my friendship ring with Sara. What are you doing? This, listening to Asking Alexandria's "Closer" NIN cover (no shame), and waiting for Girt to reply on Facebook. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? A bit of vegetable. Do you currently have a sunburn? No. Who did you last text? Mom. Who’d you last call? About what? My old college to find out why I couldn't get my fucking transcript after weeks upon weeks of being directed to different people about it. I regret going there immensely. Complete waste of time and money. Are you currently frustrated with someone? I'm really frustrated at myself. Do you drink water or soda more often? I'm actually not sure... Do you straighten your hair? No. When did you last talk to your brother or sister? One, not since Christmas, and the younger, a few days ago. All my half-siblings have been forever, and one I've never spoken to. What is your least favorite vegetable? Probably asparagus. Or beans. Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. Sara, Mark, Shane Dawson. In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? English or art, idr. Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? No. When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? Being into what's called "vulture culture" now (at least to a certain degree), I searched for quite a while for the bones of the very first opossum I photographed (I have a photography "series" focused on exposing the horror of roadkill to hopefully influence people to be more careful and vigilant), but despite thorough searching, I couldn't find it. Gruesome, but Mom speculated the remains were destroyed by whoever mows the grass there. Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? No, and never. When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing? Describe it. Uhhh. I seriously have no clue. Maybe some underwear months ago. Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female? Idk who the last person was. Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. No. Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? I can literally almost guarantee Colleen shared our whole goddamn conversation and shit on Facebook after our last talk, as she did the first time too. Too many times our business became everyone's. I'd forgive her, but I refuse to ever be friends again. Nastiest thing you've ever done? I hate talking about this, but okay. When I was deep into my suicidal depression phase, I had a hard time brushing my teeth as needed. Like... I wouldn't for days. I avoided brushing my hair as long as I could too. Anyone who doesn't believe in how deeply depression is capable of chaining you down and making vital things almost impossible, go get fucking educated. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Ideally Domino's, but sometimes Little Caesar's. When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone? Yesterday. Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? Oh yes. I rarely try something new. What color is your bike? N/A What word can you not stand to hear people say? The “n” word. What room of your house are you in? My bedroom. What is the temperature in your city right now? Apparently 38 F. When did you last use a post-it-note? No idea. Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? No. Do you have a fan in your bedroom? I have three lmao. My room is unbearable in the summer. Who is the last person that you took a picture with? Sara. When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam? A couple months or so back when there was an accident. Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? All my friends. When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 2016 visit to the beach. We went to the aquarium there and it absolutely sucked. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? Just lettuce (but I can also handle cucumbers) and the Olive Garden dressing. If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? Occasionally. Rn I have tattoo ideas written in it. Surprised? How good would you say your memory is? Absolutely horrible, lately worse than ever. I worry about it quite a bit. About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? Once or twice. Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? Not currently on or anything. What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently? Improved on picking up the phone when I don't know the number. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Well, I've talked about flirting with my friend's bf as a pre-teen, and it wasn't always innocent, if you count that as "sexual." I regret the hell out of it. Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? NO. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? Yes, Tyler. I wasn't like, terrified, but preeeetty uncomfortable. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? I can, but I'm not that great, and I absolutely hate it. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes. Do you like french fries? Hell yeah. Have you ever eaten so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? People whose opinions I care about. Would you rather go to Greece or France? Probably Greece.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #lyrics: ''get up'' by mother mother

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babblingbat · 6 years ago

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Various Characters I meant to post Months ago

Various Characters of mine

I have so many I want to write (some) of them down! This is a suuuuuper long post so more under the cut! Includes a spy, a crime lord/activist, and a bargaining warlock (I have to reblog this later bc tumblr threw a hissy fit about the length)

- Kinda in a Bond-esque spy agency, but more of a contractor

- When everything goes to shit, you can count on them to fix it

- Nonbinary protege of whoever is in charge of the tech division (Mezza? Sloane? Dixon? idk, but they have a hell of a shady past and there’s like… noooothing that can keep Sloane out of computer systems)

- X isn’t formally recognized by APO (authorized personnel only, the spy agency) but they do have access to all information because of a backdoor Sloane made

- So I guess the name is Sloane

- Anyways, X goes on the black ops of black ops, typically with either mercenaries or no back-up at all

- Thus trust issues and like the opposite of dependency - they have so much trouble asking for things but are willing to help anyone or offer material assistance - if they have it

- X is nonbinary and really doesn’t have any preferences on pronouns, as long as they aren’t he/him or she/her

- They’re also autistic and shut down if there’s too much loud noise or if they’re just too tired for some reason - sometimes this means going nonverbal or just Not Functioning and their favorite way to feel better is to sit on the ground, wrap themselves in a blanket and listen to music - so in conclusion they don’t really use guns unless there’s a silencer, and they aren’t v good with them

- A huge part of their espionage function is language!

- They speak German, Spanish, Japanese, FSL, and ASL all idiomatically

- They also speak Russian, French, and Afrikaans, but not fluently

- They can swear and count to ten in Korean and Czech

- They’re pursuing a PhD in computational linguistics, though APO gets in the way

- They’re 24, and have a bizarre set of skills because both of their job, previous jobs and jobs they hold as a cover to pretend they pay their taxes, and special interests

- Sloane is only 7 years older than them, and recruited X out of high school

- At first it was small things, like ‘pick up this book from Elm Street and drop it at Main’ but it got bigger after they graduated

- When X turned 18, they went through formal training - protocol, combat, and analysis

- They’d done some martial arts before hand, but not much punching, mostly kicking, throws, and staffs (5 and 6 feet)

- X’s main job is to clean up messy situations, usually by stealing things or extractions, and their own ops are less combat oriented than the clean ones

- X is not the best at math, not by a long shot, but they can see patterns from a mile away

- “I am the fact guardian, guardian of the facts!” “Puzzles quiver before them!” “FUCK OFF”

- They do simple division when bored and solve a lot of math things by finding patterns and using them

- X is both their designation in the agency (as in ‘x factor’) and their actual name- they use an alias for college

- They live with a few people, most of whom complain at their erratic sleep schedule and ask that please, for the love of god, X gets sleep meds and just a solid 8 hours, for once

- Sloane eventually sends X on an op to extract Mel, Sloane’s girlfriend and top operative

- X doesn’t know what to tell Mel, so mostly they just tell them that things will be answered later

- Mel asks Sloane, who reluctantly explains X’s role, and this sets some things into motion of X eventually being brought into the spotlight

- They have several hearings about their activities

- Eventually, Seville (who runs things? I guess) tells them to carry on as they do, reporting directly to Sloane, but they are recognized now by the APO

- There are three other things I want to fit in:

- Goes missing for [period of time], leaving a very close friend behind, comes back after being presumed dead and no memories, apparently solved a conspiracy and now has many illegal friends who all enjoy thievery

- Magic is a thing (because it wouldn’t be my words if it wasn’t lmao) and common enough that people know it exists but rare enough that it’s kinda intimidating and sometimes people will freak out about it, despite plenty of people having it.

X has/develops magic at some point but is terrified to tell anyone and tries to hide it from their team (which is now their family, love that trope) because they don’t want to be barred from the APO, but it comes out accidentally during a mission

- X’s infodumping saves the day somehow

The Celestian

- K so this is more about an organization, but the Celestian lives in a like a 1920s fantasy setting and likes dancing

- They run a social activism group masquerading as a crime network that uses queer bars and stuff as fronts

- To get money, they dance competitively with their bodyguard and d8m8, the BFF (butch femme fatale) who identifies as a nb lesbian

- To get into any of the places where actual political dismantling and activism happens, who have to have very specific patterns on your nails - nail painting is a method of communication and is also a huge teambuilding exercise

- There are different codes for everything

- When cops try and get in (they can only find the places if they have a member of the Queer Folk), the code is “blue denim” and then the person caught tells the police they need nail polish and then laugh as they get caught, as if they were bullshitting the whole thing

- Other things are called “10:50 am” which looks like a sleepy eye

- Or “songbird rhapsody” which is also a popular song that the Celestian sings at clubs

- Or “money” which is just a green splotch on all the nails

- If you’re a member of the Queer Folk, you get a crate monthly of money and nail polish, and special things on birthdays and holidays

- The Queer Folk do everything from organize protests to take kids in and try to pay for their education through crime - as in robbery from different places

- Their crimes always have a certain flair to them - they value creativity and snazziness

- The Celestian is like 5’ 3” (which, to be fair, is 3 inches taller than I am) and the BFF picks them up a lot

- They don’t like alcohol or caffeine but drink herbal tea 24/7

- If they don’t, something is very, very wrong

- They have a prosthetic leg

Red

- Literally in high school

- A warlock! They traded their gender and all “gender identifying features” to a trans demon for magic powers

- The demon mostly asks them to get coffee and stuff because the demon isn’t very good at bargaining and just wanted Red’s gender, but it’s expected of a patron to keep using the warlock for things

- (on the demon phone) “hey so this is super duper important and if you could get it in the next half hour that’s the best thing”

“what is it”

“alright so go to the corner of Lincoln and Greenleaf, turn three times to your right, once to your left, and a door should open behind you. Don’t try to turn towards it, just fall backwards”

“if I fall onto poison ivy or concrete I’m breaking my fucking contract”

“No, no no no, you’ll appear in that good good heaven spot”

“… the coffee shop?”

- Red focuses on science in their school

- Every interaction is a deal. E V E R Y I N T E R A C T I O N

- Breakfast? “I’ll give you the salt if you hand over the pancakes”

- Entering a building? “Hold the door open and I’ll give you praise”

- School? “You want me to tell you what I do in my spare time? Give me an A on my midterm and I’ll tell you”

- The last one has left a lot of teachers confused and more than a little scared of the silly little nerd in their class

- Honestly, they have straight A’s because they make deal after deal about grades. They never cheat on tests, but they make deals, hold people to them, and know what they’re doing

- Red’s demon is getting a little worried with all the deals

- Red is most accustomed to deals rather than anything else because they think that unequal exchange (i.e., gifts) is really suspect

- That said, Red has no problems altering “equal” exchange to benefit them

- If they ever became a business owner, they would be terrifying

- They want everything to turn out the best it can for every one but… are not fans of laws

- They have many Opinions on law, its enforcement, and the government

- That cousin that will tell you constantly about how the government is corrupt and should be rebooted with the youngest people as the primary interest

- Anarchy? Not quite, but revolution? Most definitely

- No angst, just high school silliness and chaos

- Has no idea what’s going on 90% of the time - a kid on a sportsball team did something amazing, people started treating him like shit for adults liking him, and Red had no idea until like 3 months later

- Red just kinda lives in their head

- Did they hear what you just said? Nah, but they sure did hear that wristwatch every time it clicked on the second.

- Likes the sound of adventure, but mostly gets lost in Ikea and makes deals with the eldritch monsters in the mattress section

- SUCH A SHITTY SENSE OF DIRECTION, COULD GET LOST IN A GRID WITH MAPS AT EVERY INTERSECTION

- Charismatic, but mostly in the sense of lying their ass off and persuading people

- Once tried to go a day without making a deal (on a dare), ended by making a deal to not have to ever do that again

- Businesses both hate and love them - they pay for nothing but will bargain away odd things of equivalent value every time and catch shoplifters, dislikes shoplifters because it’s not a fair trade

- Bizarrely good luck with finding things in pockets, particularly to “pay” for things

#my ocs #red (oc)#X (oc)#the celestian #crime #warlock #dnd #d&d #dungeons and dragons #there was another dude that was supposed to be in this collection sort of thing but tumblr screamed at me when I tried to add them so ¯\_(ツ)#my writing #how am i supposed to tag again #please ask me about these kiddos #thanks

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trangs-studyblr · 4 years ago

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~기 (Changing Verbs to Nouns)

The simplest and most common way is to change a verb into its noun form is to add ~기 to the verb stem. This is similar to using verbs in the “to do [verb]” and “[verb]ing” format.

보다 = to see → 보 + ~기 = 보기 = to do the act of seeing; seeing 먹다 = to eat → 먹 + ~기 = 먹기 = to do the act of eating; eating

By changing a verb into its noun form and adding the verb 하다, it literally translates to “to do + verb in noun form + also.” Try to think of ~도 하다 as a set when it comes to using ~도 with verbs.

보기 + ~도 하다 = 보기도 하다 = to also see, to even see 먹기 + ~도 하다 = 먹기도 하다 = to also eat, to even eat

Verbs in “noun + 하다” form already do not have to be changed in this manner. Just separate the noun from 하다 and add ~도 after the noun.

공부하다 + ~도 = 공부도 하다 = to also study 청소하다 + ~도 = 청소도 하다 = to also clean 요리하다 + ~도 = 요리도 하다 = to also cook

Examples:

컴퓨터를 고쳐요 = I fix computers 컴퓨터도 고쳐요 = I fix computers as well (in addition to other things) 컴퓨터를 고치기도 해요 = I even fix computers (in addition to doing other activities with computers - eg: sell, buy, recycle, etc)

If you want to use this method in other tenses (eg: future, past, etc.), you just conjugate 하다 to the desired tense.

저는 영어를 가르치기도 할 거예요 = I will also teach English 저는 영어를 가르치기도 했어요 = I even taught English

Difference between ‘~는 것’ and ‘~기’?

Adding ~는 to a verb stem allows you to describe nouns (것, 사람, 음식, etc…). Adding ~기 to a verb stem does not allow you to describe anything. It just turns verbs into nouns.

But, turning verbs into nouns is one of the functions of ~는 것. Remember, there are two main functions of ~는 것:

To change verbs into things that can describe nouns: 밥을 먹고 있는 사람 = the person who is eating rice

To change a clause into a noun 사과를 가져오는 것 = the noun form of “to bring apples” – “bringing apples”

Adding ~기 is essentially the same as the second function described above. That is, you can use ~기 to turn a clause into a noun – but you cannot use ~기 to describe nouns.

내가 사과를 가져오는 것 내가 사과를 가져오기 essentially have the same meaning, being “the noun form of “to bring apples.”

Which means you can use ~기 in sentences like:

여자친구는 제가 사과를 가져오기를 원해요 = My girlfriend wants me to bring apples

Technically, this is correct, but verbs are rarely turned into nouns using ~기 in that way. If you ask a Korean, they will say it sounds fine, but it is not used as much as “나의 여자 친구는 내가 사과를 가져오는 것을 원해.”

However, there are certain cases where using ~기 is more natural than using ~는 것.

~기 시작하다

When one “starts” an action, you can attach ~기 to the verb that starts to occur followed by 시작하다.

나는 밥을 벌써 먹기 시작했어 = I already started to eat 다음 달에 저는 한국어를 배우기 시작할 거예요 = I will start learning Korean next month 어제부터 사람들이 거기서 모이기 시작했어요 = People started gathering there from yesterday 쌀을 물에 넣은 후에 쌀의 색깔이 변하기 시작했어요 = After I put the rice in the water, the color of the rice started to change 이상한 행동을 한 다음데 사람들이 저를 쳐��보기 시작했어요 = After acting strangely, people started staring at me

To say that you stop something, it is more common to use the ~는 것 form:

다음 달에 한국어를 배우는 것을 그만할 거야 = I will stop learning Korean next month

~기 싫다

It is also very common to put verbs before ~기 싫다 to indicate that you don’t want to do something. Literally, this translates to “I don’t like _____”

밥을 먹기 싫어 = I don’t want to eat 가기 싫어요 = I don’t want to go 쌀을 씻기 싫어요 = I don’t want to wash the rice

It is possible to use this with the word 좋다 (the opposite of 싫다), however, it is not that common in Korean. Instead, it sounds more natural to use ~고 싶다.

Actual Words

There are also a handful of words where it is common to use the ~기 form as an actual word.

달리기를 할 거예요 = I will go for a run 줌넘기를 잘 못해요 = I’m bad at (jump-rope) skipping

When writing a test, there will often be many sections, such as “writing”, “reading” and “listening”:

쓰기랑 듣기는 너무 어려웠어요. 하지만 읽기는 너무 쉬웠어요 = The writing and listening (parts) were really hard. But the reading (part) was really easy.

Making Lists

When making a list of things to do, it is also common to end the phrase by using ~기. This essentially makes the entire phrase a noun, which is similar to what we do in English.

커피를 만들기 = Make coffee 책상을 정리하기 = Organize my desk 방 청소하기 = Clean my room 쌀을 사기 = Buy rice 인터넷에 자료를 검색하기 = Look for data on the internet

매일매일을 즐기기 = Enjoy every day 집 청소를 매일 하기 = Clean the house every day 숙제를 매일 하기 = Do my homework every day 감정을 표현하기 = Show my emotions 책을 매일 읽기 = Read books every day 운동을 등록하기 = Register at a gym (to exercise)

Computer Buttons

On a computer, to “zoom” (확대하다) in on a picture, you would press the “zoom” button. On Korean computers, they usually don’t put verbs on buttons – instead they put the noun form of the verb. For ~하다 verbs, the noun form is found just by removing ~하다 (확대하다 → 확대).

Other verbs are transformed using ~기

To see something or click on the “view” button at the top of every screen, press 보기. To open something, press 열기. To close something, press 닫기. To search, you might see a 찾기 button or 검색 button To send an e-mail, press 보내기.

In summary, the applications you should be aware of are:

Turning any verb into a noun: 사과를 가져오기, 달리기

Put before 시작하다: 먹기 시작했다

Put before 싫다: 먹기 싫어

Making Lists: 쌀을 사기

On buttons: 보내기

Resources

How to Study Korean: Unit 1 Lesson 4 HTSK Unit 2 Lesson 29: Changing Verbs to Nouns with ~기 and 음/ㅁ Talk to Me in Korean: Level 2 Lesson 13 Talk to Me in Korean: Level 2 Lesson 14

Examples

Korean street sign video

#korean #notes #grammar #~기 #~는 것 #verbs to nouns

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morethannotenough · 4 years ago

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...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back.

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard.

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar.

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now.

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it.

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am.

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable.

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago.

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings.

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.”

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight.

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years.

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

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aquarianlights · 7 years ago

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The story of how I gave my psych an anxiety attack yesterday....Whoops.

Giving my psychologist an anxiety attack is something I never thought I would be able to cross off on my bucket list because it wasn't on my bucket list but now it is and now it is crossed off.... 😂😂😂😂😂

"...[huge breath coz I had just said like...a 30 page essay in one breath as fast as humanly possible, jumping back and forth from topic to topic, but staying on track with the main point and tying it all together at the end] AND, in conclusion, that's basically how I'm gonna fix everything." [smiles] My psych is literally not breathing at this point, looking at me over his glasses, tousled mousy brown hair falling into his eyes as his jaw hangs slightly ajar and he is just speechless for a second.

"....Drew. Drew? Dreeeeeew. HEELLOOOO?" Literally get up off my chair and start waving my hands in front of his face. "LEONARD!!!!" Snapping fingers at him.

He blinks and looks up at me and literally just grabs my shoulders and gets up and sits me down on the other, larger couch and he sits---more like collapses---down beside me... and is like "We need to do some deep breathing exercises."

"You know I don't d-"

"Not for you, Kills. For me. For me. Just LISTENING to all of that is giving me anxiety. I feel like I need to breathe into a paper bag. Oh my god. Just...just hold on. Wow." I start snickering. He holds up a finger sharply. "You be quiet, you tiny little blonde ball of chaos." I purse my lips as he breathes a little bit and then opens his eyes and goes back to his chair and swivels around to look at me and goes "Okay. So. I KNOW that you know that I and every other doctor and psych and just about every human being on this PLANET knows that you have the most drive and...damn, EVERYTHING I have ever seen from a human being. I'm sure you've been told this. About how driven and passionate you are?" "I literally just had a back to back rheumatology and chronic pain appointment and they both said they wish they could book me to quote on quote preach to their chronic pain sufferers because 99% of them won't fight against their illnesses and just give up and won't do physical therapy at all or decide it's not worth it for this reason or that and they say that my passion and drive and my energy on stage would probably motivate them to get off their asses and do something to get REAL RESULTS like I have gotten. LIKE LIKE LIKE" I roll up my sleeve as much as I can, jumping up off the couch. "I lost 20lbs and gained 10lbs of muscle in about a month or so with just pure physical therapy and now I can do things I've never been able to do in my WHOLE LIFE!" My psych is back to just staring at me, only just barely breathing. I had my hands raised in a hallelujah position and was practically about to do some parkour tricks on the couches but the bottom ligaments in my spine are so slightly out alignment that if I make one wrong move, it could permanently paralyze me in some way or at least trigger some bad scoliosis. So I restrain myself and clench my fists and bring them down in front of me, bouncing on my heels. "Drew? DREEEEEEEEEEEW? YOU'RE DOING IT AGAINNNNN!" He does this all the time with me coz, as with p much every since psych I ever see (psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, counselor, and all inbetween alike), I am always their "most interesting patient. And on top of that, I either turn out to be their "least favourite" patient (the patient from hell) or their most favourite patient (the "can I put you in a trial please or at least have one of my colleagues come sit in on a session?" patient). I'm the latter with him and he loves me to death because I make him laugh constantly throughout the sessions we have.... and since coping skills don't work for me, I make up my own and they are usually fucking hilarious and he finds them hilarious, too. We have a lot of fun and he always wishes we could have more time because I'm like... the thing he looks forward to in his days (his words, not mine) and it makes me laugh because sessions with him are things I look forward to. BUT WHEN I GO OUT OF CONTROL OR SAY SOMETHING TOTALLY RIDICULOUS, HE DOES THIS THING WHERE HE PUTS ON A REALLY MOCK-DRAMATIC LOOK AND LOOKS AT ME OVER HIS GLASSES WITH BROWS RAISED, BUT FURROWED...AND LEANING BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND RAISING HIS ARMS IN THE "WHYYYY" OR "NOOO" POSITION AND JUST LOOKING AT ME TOTALLY AGHAST SO I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON COZ I CAN'T READ PEOPLE AT ALL. But no. He was legitimately having an inward, controlled anxiety attack. He goes "Killian. I went through medical school. Do you understand that? You KNOW what medical school entails. I know you know it because YOU'RE LIVING IT..." Taking a deep breath and laughs shakily. "Fuck, Kills. You uh... Your thoughts are way too fast for your mouth so you're definitely going into the right field, I'm sure you've heard that. I really hope you go into trauma. You'd love that, I'm sure, with the bloodlust you have and the quick pace and high pressure and high stress you need. I KNOW nothing can be slow for you but......" Another REALLY deep breath, this time eyes closed. When his eyes opened, he was very serious with me and we NEVER get serious. It's always comical in SOME way. The serious things are even comical because I'm just.... "that guy" who is pure puns and finger guns and all fun, y'know. He goes, "My point is, medical school entails the stress you never imagine you can handle... But what you're taking on right now? ALL the things you just listed off---and I know that's just the major things and that there are plenty of little things that you didn't mention in your ...rant...---are too much for even ME to handle. Are too much for a PROFESSIONAL to handle." Me: "But...I'm handling it like a boss ass bitch. I've got all of this under wraps and like I said, as soon as everyone else falls into line and does their parts, which they all obviously are needing my help on since they're all either coming to me or are lost without me, then all of my problems will be cleared up because I just now cleared up all of my major stressors." Then I go into rant mode and get excited, forgetting that my psych is already on the verge of an anxiety attack. Basically ranting about "BECAUSE YOU SEE I DID, X, X, AND X AND Y, Y, AND Y HAPPENED BECAUSE OF MY TAKING INITIATIVE WITH Z, Z, AND Z AND EVERYTHING IS FALLING RIGHT INTO PLACE DUE TO MY EXCELLENCE except like, you know, this chronic pain thing is a bitch, BUT I'M HANDLING THAT TOO BECAUSE I GOT ANOTHER MAJOR ANSWER I NEEDED and now I just need to follow through with that on Monday and then ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD AND-" Total tangent mode, full on pacing his office, jumping on the couches like a fox, waving my hands, playing with my hair, laughing, spinning coz I'm excited and proud at how well I'm doing and suddenly.... I turn around.... My psych is literally face down on the floor, planking position, just... total defeat, slid out of his chair onto the floor kinda, RIP Drew. Lmao. I stopped mid-sentence and dropped my hands to my side and cocked my head like a puppy and blinked twice and approached him and slid down into a sitting position on top of my legs....and put my fingers on his neck to take his pulse. When I hear a grunt of "I'm not dead, I'm just taking a break from hurricane Killian, who is a category 10." I purse my lips and snicker. "I was born and raised in Florida. There's no such thing as a cate-" "KILLIAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN I AM GOING TO WALK OUT OF THIS OFFICE WITH MY ENTIRE HEAD OF BEAUTIFUL, LUSCIOUS FULL HEAD OF HAIR BALDING AND GREY. BE QUIET, LITTLE BALL OF CHAOS." I snicker a little more and start poking him. "Hey. Hey, Drew. Drew. We're wasting time. OH There was a breakthrough in neuroscience about mapping the active distraction versus passive distraction part of the brain so let's just induce some active distraction of our own since we don't have anything in pills to do that yet or anytime soon. That meaaaaaaaaaaans....." [long groan from Drew] "GAME TIME!!!!" Drew pushes himself up off the floor and sits cross legged opposite me and takes my face in his hands and goes, "No. You listen to me. I am naming you Kill Switch both in hopes that it will somehow slow you the fuck down and because your mind and your words and you, yourself move so fast and have so much energy and so much drive that you just shut everyone else down around you because no one can keep up. Hell, /I/ can barely keep up. Not bragging, but I can keep up with almost anything. That being said..." He literally squishes my cheeks together and gets up close and personal and I'm trying to suppress laughter at this point and trying not to grab his wrists to pry him off of me coz he was in serious mode now and I am almost never serious anymore unless I'm being a drama whore and having a bad day and need attention and writing about it everywhere in rants about what bad, awful thing happened and how I need everyone's support and way more attention than usual (which isn't a lie, but it's still just me being a drama whore) AND HE KNOWS THIS....but when we first met, he DID say "Under all the jokes and puns and that...that thing you do [finger guns] and all the running around and smiling and laughing... You seriously have some intense pain. I mean, I have never felt that kinda pain radiating off of someone before. You're coming back to see me again, right?" I played it off like it was nothing, but then went out to my car and cried coz he couldn't be more right and no one knows or notices that all of that is just a facade for the pain. (Or if they do notice, which is highly unlikely, then they definitely don't care.) He squished my cheeks together and got up close and person and practically put his forehead against mine so that our eyes were literally locked and I COULD NOT look away even if I wanted to. That's the first time I noticed his eyes were green. He spoke very quietly, which is not in EITHER of our nature. We are both very loud and very up-front, blunt, confident, pretty ridiculous people. The loud part is important because he was speaking quietly which never happens. If I speak quietly? Run. So that's when I stopped laughing...and also WHY I stopped laughing and swallowed instead and looked him in the eyes and DID NOT blink. "The amount of things you are taking on right now... in addition to everything else... is a cocktail for being institutionalized. Or, at the BARE minimum, hospitalization." He paused for a moment to let me take that in, because we both knew the implication of it. The last ward I was in...the psych found out the pattern of my 20+ other institutionalizations and how I was playing the system and my "ward persona" and had a whole report written up that is now in my record stating that all of the times I had been recommended for permanent state ward transferal that had been shot down by my lying and manipulation via the "ward persona" I put on to work the system and get out as quickly as possible... should be dealt with and taken seriously and gone through with the next time I was institutionalized. It's in my record. We've both read the report. We both know the next time I get institutionalized will be my last... I will be sent to a state ward and I will never get out or at least not get out in a very, VERY long time and I will be a hollow shell of the amazing, driven, passionate person with an actually attainable dream I have turned myself into if that were to happen. So I just...took a moment.. and swallowed and averted my gaze and pulled away from him and tried to laugh it off. "Leonard." He hates it when I call him by his full name. I go into my signature pose and smirk at him, eyes glinting with playfulness. "I am a boss as bitch and I am handling all of this better than I handled by entire life. I have learned and implemented more actually healthy coping mechanisms in the past...almost a year now... than I have ever even tried in my 8 years in therapy and pretty much LIVING in and out psych wards. I've got this. You know I've got this. And even if YOU don't know I've got this... /I/ know I've got this. And as long as I have faith in myself, I am unstoppable." I raise my arms like I am the christian/catholic god him or herself and look up to the sky, close my eyes and smile, then back down to him, eyes open, locked, focused, driven, and dazzling with utter passion as the most genuine and sadistic of smiles crosses my lips. Drew sighs, cups his chin in one hand and leans his arm on his knee, both of us still on the floor, and he smiles back, the warmth of it spreading even into his eyes. I lower my arms and cross them and shrug. "All that matters is what I think and as long as I'm pragmatic about it, it's all uphill from here." Drew just shakes his head, eyes closed now, but warm smile spreading wider on his face before he starts chuckling and looks at me again, tears at the corners of his eyes. "You are like the one roller coaster ride that every kid wants to ride when they're little but are too scared to do it but get dared to by their friends and they all end up riding it anyways and all of them end up practically traumatized from the fear of it until they get off and wander back out into the park and catch their breath. ....and then they turn to each other and suddenly all scream at once that they wanna ride it again and run right back into the line for the same terrifying roller coaster that just almost traumatized them permanently." "You always have the worst metaphors, you know that?" He starts laughing. "And you gave me a literal anxiety attack and I'm guessing you didn't even know it until just now so I get a free pass on my horrible metaphors." He pulls himself up and then helps me up off the ground and I fall back into the couch and he collapses back into the chair. We're silent for a sec which is VERY rare. Then I look at him and go "Did I SERIOUSLY give you an anxiety attack?" He didn't even hesitate. "YES!!!!!" practically pulling himself out of the chair, laughing, but being totally serious. I purse my lips. ".....yikes." Another rare pause as he settles himself back into his chair and sighs, shaking his head. "What exactly did I do to give you an anxiety attack?" He stares at me in disbelief. "...Well, I guess this guy that diagnosed you as a sociopath was pretty spot on." He smiles at me and thinks for a second, holding up one finger. I hate it when he pauses to think because everything comes so quickly for me and I pause for nothing and when things are slow and/or stagnant, I feel this weird bubbly feeling in my chest and my throat feels like it is closing up and everything gets hot and I start clawing at myself and it's really awful because NO ONE is ever going as fast as me in mind, body, and DEFINITELY not as articulately as I do with my words when I go into rant/tirade/monologue/speech mode. No one can EVER keep up with me.... ever. "Killian. I'm gonna give you some resources on anxiety coz I know you have been asking for them and I managed to compile some and now I see you REALLY need them coz I know you HAVE the ability to comprehend it, but you're going to need a lot of help to do so. I see you putting in the effort every session that we talk about it... but you're still not grasping it. So I've compiled some more, uh...easy-to-learn resources for you on it." He reaches in his drawer with papers and sticky notes and hands it to me. I skim through it while he says; "Oh, and by the way? All of the things you listed? All the things you're taking on? All of those leadership roles you're playing right now in your personal, professional, and every other life you have...? All the... Okay, I can't. I cannot go over all the things because I'm going to stress MYSELF out. So..." I look up from the papers. "THAT is what gave me an anxiety attack. Luckily, I can easily control mine, but I am exhausted just by LISTENING to everything you're doing right now. I don't know how you're still standing alert and energetic and driven and passionate after all the times you've been knocked down so far....and after everything you've gone through... and with ALL of these things you're taking on? You need to............ you need to do EXACTLY what your physical therapist said, only for your MIND, not just your body and..." "...no..." "Slow..." "...don't..." "...DOWN..." "...GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, DREW. IS2G, I'M GONNA-" And that's possibly the most serious therapy session I have had in a long time and it was also possible the hardest in a long time. And I crossed a thing off my bucket lisst that I didn't know was on my bucket list and didn't even want to be on my bucket list. There is the story of how I gave my psych an anxiety attack. ***Story is obvs not verbatim because I do not have an eidetic memory. But this is p much exactly what happened and I’m not exaggerating in the slightest because we are both VERY dramatic people...which is probably why we get along so well....Lmao.

#personal #psych #psychology #psych session #therapy #therapy session #anxiety attack #mental disorders #psych issues #idk what else to tag #tell me if you need anything else tagged and i gotchu fam

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