#like all my disabilities can be frustrating or confusing or hard to cope with at times but like

[a-walking-fandom-reference]

me/cfs sucks so bad like 0/10 do not recommend

[not-that-blog]

Sometimes the cruel things that make you feel insecure were never the things aimed at you.

My sister is the most critical voice in my head, her opinion is the one I valued most growing up and I wanted to be her… this cool, powerful, protective, unstoppable force that no one was capable of hurting. (Aka; I was a very isolated and abused child who couldn't stop feeling so I idolised my older sibling and cousin who seemed to be able to avoid/cope with the pain.... they were not, but a small child looking at an older punk teen who manages to seem stronger than the cruel adults is always the 'cool' one).

But the thing with the person who raised me and was my default background voice (and often still is) being an angsty teenager who was grunge/alt in the 90's and early 00's; is that voice is cruel and judgmental af just in a super different way than the rest of the family's impacts on my brain.

And today it hit how much that hurts.

So I am still okay and I haven't relapsed into anything; which is probably an important note to add.

But I had a photoshoot today and I was vulnerable and my insecurities were on display, but so was my body. And I haven't seen myself in a full length mirror outside of a shopping centre since early February.

And I have gained weight and my body and face has changed on T and I very much look like an incredibly different person.

And I still think that I look great, I am fat, I am plus size, there's no arguing that and I give very few shits about it; because I don't see that as insulting or bad... it's my body and it's neutral and the only frustration I have is knowing that I have been bed bound a lot lately and I can see the early stages of certain pressure sore prone spots starting to get into the red and irritated warning sign stage. (Because I am disabled and I do have to keep those in mind)

I also look like my family members that my sister and other family members whose voices were my internal dialogue for my youth spent a lot of time insulting physically.

Mostly my grandmother and my aunty.

I look like them, eerily so sometimes to the point where I recoil because the last person I want to feel like I look like when taking photos of myself in lewd poses is my aunt... but like ignoring that context where anyone would have a 'oh that feels too similar' moment; I as myself never looked at these women and thought of them as anytime but beautiful.

But I can hear the insults that were made about them and the dieting rambles of theirs and it hurts.

Because my sister would never say those things to me (I think anyway, if she did they would be shut down with full harshness) but those comments about my grandmother and my aunt are imbedded into my brain to the point where I know that is a perspective she would potentially have about me.

That she may have given her children about bodies like mine and they may never be able to look at people around them with the knowledge that a body is just a body and people are beautiful.

I look at photos of myself and regularly hear my father insulting his sisters appearance (the sister who you could put photos of us together and not know whose belonged to whom) and my sister and mother also commenting on her weight and appearance and their comments on my grandmothers body and weight.

I remember the 'chicken wing/turkey neck/lunch lady arms' comments and I was so confused for years.

Because all I could see was women who had been strong, women who carried heavy objects and had rough pregnancies and hormonal conditions and who fought really hard.

I never looked at a body with that cruelty until I was taught to.

I am so angry that their insults at other people, people who even if I despise for other reasons; I can still acknowledge are beautiful in their own right, have impacted how I see myself to a point where I had a viscera reaction of fear and horror at first to seeing my weight gain.

I'm so beautiful and I am so proud of myself for gaining weight back after years and years of killing myself because of anorexia, and I still have to fight those voices.

And the worst part is; they're crueler than my eating disorder.

Yeah; the comments that my family made were bitchier and crueler than the mental personification of a disorder that was determined to kill me or control me.

But my disorder didn't make me feel irreparably ugly. My family did that.

And honestly, if my father didn't have dementia, I would make their life hell for it.

'Why'd you do something like pierce your face'

'Because I wanted to and you were calling me an ugly toad every time you call your sister it because I am her fucking clone; so… like I give a fuck what you say anymore.'

'Grandma was fat'

'Yeah, and I am the same body type as her; there's valid reasons to call her a bitch, let's go with one of those... including her obsession with policing everyone else's bodies because she felt insecure in hers and that if we actually grew we weren't the kind of target her abusive husband wanted'

'That thing looks so ugly, why tf would you do that?'

'Idk Megs, probably because I just don't give a flying fuck about being pretty when no one good or kind gives a fuck if I'm not'

And that's really it isn't it; no one worthy of my time gives a fuck if I'm not traditionally attractive. So why should I be.

[cripplecharacters]

Hi! Do you have any advice specifically about writing a disabled character that wasn't born with their disability but that was critically injured? Like the first few months. The mindset of going from being abled to disabled and figuring stuff out. (I don't necessarily plan on writing from their pov because I can't speak on it but they're still a main character and having more knowledge about it would be helpful while writing!)

Hi there, thanks for your ask!

Keep in mind that the way you write this character will likely vary depending on what the injury is, and what the resulting disability is.

I'm going to answer this as someone who became physically disabled with fibromyalgia in adulthood due to a serious injury (spontaneous pneumothorax/lung collapse with long-term healing complications).

Here are some of the things I experienced that a newly physically disabled person might feel in the first months after their injury:

Some degree of confusion or denial. They might still wonder why they haven't fully healed from their injury and can't live their life the same way, because they've internalized their sense of ability so deeply.

They'll likely push themselves too hard multiple times, trying to test out how far they can push themselves without consequences.

They might initially refuse or be too afraid to ask for help when they need it and instead try to push through.

Experimenting with available treatments, like medications, physiotherapy, etc. These might vary depending on your setting.

They'll have a hard time letting go of anything that was important to them that they can no longer do the same way and search for alternative ways to do them where possible.

Reliance on their support system more than ever before. There will be good days and bad days. They might ask for reassurance more often.

They might feel frustrated and lash out when people try to push them past their limits, make insensitive comments about their disability, or draw comparisons between who they are now and who they were before their injury. Comments like, "Once you get better...," or "Stay positive, you never know what might happen," will make it harder for them to go through their natural grieving process.

They will notice ableism far more than they ever did before, especially if they now have mobility issues. If your story is set in the real world, this will feel overwhelming, depressing and infuriating to them, because ableism is everywhere.

They might re-organize their living space to be more accessible to them, and become more comfortable doing things in an unorthodox or unusual way if it works for them.

Re-evaluating their goals, values and desires. They'll start to let go of things they didn't actually want all that much, and focus more on the things they genuinely love.

Seeking connection with other physically disabled people! This will help them accept the changes in their life more than almost anything else.

Keep in mind that these are all personal, subjective, and dependent on a person's circumstances when they sustain debilitating injury. For example, it's easier to cope with acquiring a physical disability if you're financially well-off and can afford specialized medical care, compared to someone who can't.

Writing a newly disabled character can be very difficult as your instinct might be to write self-loathing, depressed characters. I'd advise to steer clear of this, and instead try to write characters exploring new lifestyles and learning new things about themselves in the process. Don't shy away from writing grieving characters, but that shouldn't be the only thing you depict the character feeling! Sure, my life might have been easier on the surface if I hadn't sustained that injury, but it's taught me a lot and I appreciate the emotional growth it fostered in me and the relationships I've built and strengthened in the process.

Overall, remember that a newly disabled character is struggling first and foremost with losing access to things that are designed to be inaccessible to disabled people. The problem the character is facing shouldn't be that they feel bad about being disabled, it should be the fact that they're now reckoning with societal inaccessibility and ableism in a way that they never had to before.

As always, this ask is open for input from anyone who's acquired a disability after an injury!

-Mod Faelan

[hellonoblesky]

Happy Saturday it’s past 2am here’s Harbinger Angst. Because I’m up late and I’m havinggg thoughts.

So here’s my hcs about the Harbingers reacting to/dealing with the news of Signora‘s death :)

(CW For like. Mental breakdowns and guilt and general emotional instability because no one is having a good time here. Oh also cussing, anddd some familial angst in Childe’s bit? Also I am so sorry about any misspellings n whatever it is. Very late and I already have two other posts in my drafts collecting dust that are also HCs so.)

Dottore:

So if you don’t follow my art blog or haven’t seen my Harbinger hcs (which are under the process of some change with new info being released and whatnot), you don’t know this but I HC Dot and Signora to be like sorta just evil siblings

Now because death is such a commodity in Dot’s uh… specific line of work, he doesn’t register that Signora is dead until like two days after he hears the news

He picked up the phone (rotary perhaps?) to go call up Signora‘a office to see if she has any good gossip and then stopped halfway through dialing because it hit him that she’s never going to be there to pick up the phone on the other end. Ever.

He usually listens to music when he’s working but with the absence of Signora ranting he has to take up listening to the radio on top of the music

Problem is: the radio doesn’t have the same charm and cadence to it that Signora’s rants did, because normal people are boring and it’s going to drive Dot up the walls if he has to listen to one more commercial or one more anxious ramble about how cool and great the Fatui are from some stupid radio host trying not to overstep the Tasritsa’s favor like she listens to some boring ass radio station in her spare time!!!

HE HATES IT. But is forced to make do because if he shows weakness he will be torn apart (or so he thinks)

So this leads to him locking himself away in his office even more than he already did

Because he was already intrigued by the traveller after their actions in Mond and their victory against Childe, but them beating Signora in a duel before the Shogun? Oh now that kickstarted a whole new line of study

Especially because his only coping mechanisms are Be Destructive and Dive So Far Into Work You Don’t Think so within about three days he has a comprehensive analysis of everything he can possibly get his hands on regarding the Traveler (without interacting with other people) and is about to pass out because he hasn’t slept

Oh and the funeral was absolute hell for him.

Mainly because while he was barely conscious he agreed to play violin at the service and then promptly passed out and forgot about it so he woke up and was hit with the consequences of his own actions in the form of sheet notes

He endured, obviously, he’s not going to back down from playing something at the funeral of one of the few interesting people in the organization, that’s what tools and cowards do and this might be the Fatui but if he’d survived the wrath of dead gods he would make it through this

Went right back to locking himself away after that though

He actually got bad enough that the other Harbingers took notice of his state and MADE him come out of his labs and eat (mainly at demand of the Tsaritsa because she just lost the Crimson Witch as an asset, she wants the rest of her Harbingers in good health god dammit, the Traveler is becoming a genuine threat)

Broke down at dinner a week after the funeral

Swears that if any of the other Harbingers bring it up ever ever again he will kill their bodies and keep their consciousnesses trapped in a machine that he controls forevermore

Really he’s just glad that no one immediately pounced on one of his few shows of weakness

Maybe he’ll risk it again if it means he can cry it out for another hour but he wouldn’t dare say that out loud, won’t even finish the thought

But you know what he will do?

What he does best, of course

Look at an oddity in the world (in this case the traveller) and seek to pick it apart until he can put it back together without looking and still have it work

The only way he can actually get through his grieving is by finding something to take the edge off

And it just so happens that the traveller is a perfect candidate

Childe:

By no means has he ever liked Signora, in regards to personality or method, but her death still hit him

He had to travel back to Snezhnaya for the funeral, and it did absolutely cheer him up to see his family again and get to spoil them all silly, but with a mind whirling with thoughts it was genuinely hard for him to keep a smile up

Mainly thoughts about battle, because that’s really the only way he can interpret the world at this point

Like he keeps thinking about weather the Traveler was holding back with him, or if they had gained the strength to fight off yet another Fatui plot just in the month or so since Liyue? And if they had gained strength, how had they done it so fast? If they’d been holding back against him had he not shown himself to be a fighter worthy of their strength? Had Signora even faced the Traveler‘s full strength?

Overall his head is much too full of too many things, and it wears him out to the point that he ends up sleeping in late enough for his family to actually worry because usually he’s up before dawn training and they don’t see him until the afternoon

But he’s back on track as soon as he can, because the training helps him think, and once he can resolve most of his thoughts (or repress them so they don’t bother him too often) he’s absolutely alright and fine and ready to go! Totally. Fine. It’s fine.

The thoughts were very much There during the funeral, especially as the first harbinger read a (somewhat summarized version) of Signora’s life to the assembly of Fatui

(Oh and Pierro didn’t really care weather or not Signor wanted people to know her life after she died because she was dead now what was she going to do??)

The reveal that Signora had been fighting for the Fatui because her lover had been killed by the actions of the Anemo Archon, and she desired nothing more than to see him again… it got to Childe. It got to Childe more than he’d like to admit

Because suddenly the woman who he had always known as the embodiment of frostbite and frozen barbed wire fencing had someone she had cared about, genuinely cared about, to the point where she had become the Mondstadt legend, the Crimson Witch herself

And she had lost that lover to the actions of a fool of a God

He swore silently to himself that when the Tsaritsa‘s future came to pass he would make a little monument for Signora. Nothing big, probably a plaque on a nice stone where Mondstadt would have been before the Tsaritsa’s success, but a monument nonetheless

This promise was a spur of the moment thing, and later he would be like “Man she was a jerk, lost love or not why did I promise her that?“ but he doesn’t go back on promises

Besides, actually watching Dottore break down in a grief and sleep-depravation induced haze was also something that got to him because of course the two people he happened to simply Hate The Most in the organization were close that makes perfect sense but also wow it is weird to see Dottore cry and it feels Wrong because after murdering and tormenting so many people… Signora is gone and he breaks then??? What the fuck

Avoids most of the Harbingers after that, just heads home to Morepesok to spoil his siblings silly before going back to Liyue

Oh and his siblings can tell something is up, Teucer especially because when his brilliant big brother, the greatest toy salesman in all of Snezhnaya, is suddenly struggling to keep a smile even though they’re at home… he notices

Childe’s other siblings are all avoiding the subject, they heard about the death of Signora and all, they just assume the organization is going through it tight now and frankly most of them are a little afraid of him weather they‘ll admit it or not

Not Teucer though, he’s confused just because he still has grasped how Snezhnaya works yet, so he goes ahead and asks anyway

Childe just says he’s sad because he has to leave again so soon! And he hasn’t even been able to take Teucer fishing this time, isn’t that sad?

Teucer can tell that he’s lying

But Teucer is also beginning to sense the danger that lies behind Childe’s eyes, so for the first time? He doesn’t push it or say that they could go fishing now if they hurry

Just a grin and a “Next time!! Promise?” Makes it all better and he doesn’t have to think about why his big brother feels unnerving to look at sometimes

Childe is oblivious to Teucer’s growing awareness

He heads back to Liyue and makes himself focus on work

Scaramouch:

Now he didn’t particularly like Signora either, and didn’t really care about her life’s story, because blah blah blah we get it lady you lost someone, we all did, cry about it or whatever

But he does feel… he feels guilty for leaving her to face the Shogun

He had the Gnosis, he had finished Signora’s mission for her without even meaning to, and he had thought it would be funny to just let her face the Shogun without knowing that

To some extent, it’s his fault she’s dead

And it’s not the fact that she died because he didn’t go get her that weighs on him, it’s that he left her to the Shogun of all things

I don’t know if puppets like Scara can feel things like people and such do, but considering how the Shogun expressed frustration and stress when Ei disabled the majority of her functions, I’m going to assume they can

And because of the meddling of ‘some eccentric scientists’ his emotions are probably toned down a tad but he can still feel guilt all the same

And leaving Signora to the Shogun makes him feel guilty because he and the Shogun are essentially kin

Disowned and disavowed kin, but you know

He may have been able to easily counter the Shogun, or even help Signora prevail in her duel, but he. Ran. Off.

He happens to think that that was very cowardly of him

It causes a spike in his aggression which everyone unfortunately has to notice every time he walks by because the sheer static electricity that snaps in the air when he’s in the room now? Haha. Ouchie

Fun fact: he has no idea how to cope with guilt

He channels ALL of it into SHEER RAGE

Ever seen a couple hundred year old man go absolutely apeshit in the Harbinger‘s shared training arena? Well now you have!! It’s not a pretty sight!!

He’s crying and can’t tell why, which fuels his anger, which fuels stress as a fun side effect which just makes more tears and now he has to snap someone in half because he needs it to stop he hates it here he hates it here he hates it here

And in the beginning the guilt wasn’t even that severe for him, it was just so immensely magnified by his lack of coping skills that he very nearly broke himself down

He tried going to Dottore to get it disabled but Dottore had his doors all locked so Scara couldn’t even get a word through to him

Oh and the funeral was fine with him he just left early because he didn’t want to deal with looking people in the eye at the time because, again, his lack of coping skills with guilt magnified the whole feeling so it was almost unbearable

It’s a lot of fighting and breaking things before he’s able to resign himself to some semblance of how he was

[sibsteria]

cheatercheater [rob benedict]

prompts: ''I'm going to kill you!'', ''I can't believe you.'', ''she's not yours'', ''thanks for nothing''

summary: your fiancé and partner of three years cheats on you, little to your knowledge it's not the first time, but this is the first time at a con.

characters: Rob Benedict, Richard Speight, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Sebastian Roche, Mark Pellegrino

warnings: big time angst, fluffy rob, damn this was long [2139 word count]

part 1/2 | part 2 here

---

It was the end of the con and I snickered at the banter between Rob and Rich as we walked to drop me off to Jensen, he told me to meet me by the public restrooms, romantic right? He said he wouldn't be long out.

''He literally just stood there! I'm not even kidding.'' Rob's voice frequented between pitches as we laughed at the anecdote.

''Seriously, how do you cope with each other?'' I cackled as I held onto Rich for support. We entered the small hallway before the disabled toilets and waited for my mans. I looked at Rob, someone I could never have, this put a damper on my mood. Way before I dated Jensen, I sort of had an eye for the bubbly rock god, but he was always in a relationship. So, of course when I get engaged, he's single.

We waited for around in silence on our phones for ten minutes, the disabled toilets locked, I knock on the door.

''Um, be out in a minute!'' I hear a girl yell, followed by a giggle. I tighten up, Rich notices this and whispers to me.

''I'm sure we're just at the wrong ones, text Jen.'' I do as he says and pull out my phone and message him, hearing a ping come from behind the locked door, this is too much of a coincidence.

''Fuck, I'm late.'' That is so clearly Jensen's voice that I don't even miss a beat before taking out a penny and hijacking the door. Kicking it open, with a blank emotion surging through my face, I don't believe what I'm looking at.

''What a lovely surprise.'' My voice dripping in sarcasm, the venom was paralyzing.

''Shit! Y/n, no! It's not what you think, I promise. God, I said to wait outside here.'' His voice is cracking and frantic as he zips up his fly.

''I really don't think arguing about this is wise, you literally have lipstick on you're mouth and I don't fuck with that. I can't believe you. I get that we aren't doing great, but really?!'' My voice began to raise at the end of my speech.

''What the shit, Ackles?!'' I hear Rob's voice from behind me, not in the usual tone I'm used to.

''I-I don't want to hurt you, never have-'' I cut him off, scoffing.

''Never wanted to hurt me? Well it's too fucking late for that, isn't it?!'' I slip off the beautiful engagement ring entrapped around my finger and flick it to his direction, not really caring where it ends up.

''Please, can we talk about thi-'' This time it wasn't me interrupting.

''Can't you see, Jensen? You've fucked up. She's not yours anymore, and to be frank I respect her for not punching you. You're lucky I have self control, right now.'' Rob's eyebrows are lowered, fierce. His eyes radiating an anger I'd never seen on him, his jaw stiff.

''Shut the hell up, Benedict! This is your fucking fault!'' I could kill him right now.

''No, you don't get to talk to him like that, not after this. I'm leaving, find yourself another hotel room to sleep in, because you're not coming back to ours. We're so done.'' My pitch is lowered, fragile, vulnerable. ''Thanks for nothing, Ackles.'' The hurt reflected from my eyes into his and he looked away, cowardly, unable to face his mistakes.

''Come on, it's time we go, I'll walk you back to your room.'' Rich wraps a comforting arm around me, whilst glaring intensely at Jensen.

''I will too, just to reassure you not all men deserve the death penalty.'' Rob rolls his eyes at the cowardly Jensen and leads the three of us out of the venue. The hotel wasn't far, the car ride back was silent, but not awkward.

---

''Can you believe him?'' I whimper out, the volume of my voice small and meek.

''No, I seriously can't. He had everything anyone could have wanted, a loving fiancé and a happy life. What a fucking waste.'' Rob looked at me, a hand stroking the back of my head as the three of us sat in an arrangement of positions in my hotel room.

''He'd better not show up, I don't think I'd hold back like you did Rob, I'll kick his skull in.'' Rich stirs the brews he had been occupied with, bringing one over for me and Rob before reaching for his. Just as irony would have it, a knock sounded from the door.

''I'll get it.'' Rob stood, bee-lining for the door. ''I swear to- Jared?'' He raises an eyebrow, confusion underlying on his lips.

''I-I heard what happened, he asked me to share my hotel room but I said no and I asked why, it got all emotional and- well, I'm here to confess something, can I come in?'' Jared's hand rested on his neck, a pink-ish embarrassment settled on his cheeks.

''Of course.'' Rob gestured for him to come inside, before texting Sebastian and Mark to meet at your room in twenty.

''He doesn't know I'm here, I had to tell you. I don't know why I didn't say this sooner, maybe due to my loyalty to Jensen but- that...that wasn't the first time he's done that, Y/n. There was another time, on set, with one of the makeup girls. I'm so so sorry I never told you, I wish I di-'' I stopped him from his pity. We never talked much, he didn't know me like he knew Jensen. I respected his honesty, in a way.

''It's okay, there's no use now. I just wish I hadn't been such a...a fucking dumb bitch.'' For the first time since the incident, I cried, I cried hard. Rob nodded for Jared to leave it to him and Rich and he half-smiled back, complying.

''You are not a dumb bitch! He's the dumb bitch.'' Rich kissed my head, consoling me with my head buried in his chest. Rob unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt, trying too cool himself.

''He's right, he's not worth your time or tears. You hardly work with him on set, if he talks to you, I'll break his face.'' I couldn't help but snort at that.

''You're not capable of breaking his face, you're the softest guy I know, no offense. That's a good thing.'' I shrug, tears still rolling down my face.

''You know, I'm not even that angry or sad about our break-up. Just at him for cheating on me, that can't be all I'm worth. I guess I could see what was coming with us, I just didn't think he's stoop that low.'' My voice breaks at multiple points.

''You're worth so much, I promise you, priceless. Were things not running smoothly with you guys?'' Richard asks, more concern on his features, if that was possible.

''Ha! Things running is the way to explain it. Things were just running.'' I wipe the tears and snot off my face before lying my head on Rob's lap.

''Why didn't you say anything? You know we support you, everyone does.'' Robs runs his hands through my sweaty hair, not caring about the state it's in from my distress.

''I thought it was just a rough patch, he thought I liked this guy-'' Rob cuts me off.

''Me? He said something back there and I'm just putting two and two together.'' He shrugs, although I couldn't see it.

''Yeah, he wouldn't listen to me when I said we were just close, like I am with both of you.'' I motion to Richard.

Another knock rapped at the door, Rob once again answered, I sat up from his lap and curled my legs into my chest on the sofa.

''Sebas-'' He stops. ''You.'' His voice is gruff and angry.

''Oh, so you're having a threesome with R2 now? That took you no time at all, Y/n.'' Jensen looked at the shirt that fitted Rob, the hurt in Jensen's voice wasn't overlooked, but no one cared.

''No. We are simply putting together the woman you shattered into pieces.'' Rob spits out.

''Just let me talk to her. That's all.'' Jensen's voice erupts from the echoing hotel hallway.

Rob laughs in his face, ''Talk? Of course you can, bud! Are you kidding? You are way past talking. Don't come near her or talk to her, unless it's for a scene on set which even then hardly happens.'' The passive aggressive mode of expression he used at the start was noticeable.

''Please-'' Sebastian and Mark see the commotion from the end of the hall and hurry to your hotel room.

''Woah! More people joining the party, way to be loving fiancé!'' He snaps at me, I storm up to the door, pulling the arriving duo inside.

''Did you even hear what I said? We. Are. Fucking. Done. I'll give you're luggage to Jared, later. Actually, no, I'll give it you now.'' I let go of Sebastian and Mark's hands, they go to ask Rich what's happened.

I grab his luggage still unzipped, aggressing across the room before throwing it out the hotel room, doing the same for all his cases whilst he shouts like a deranged Rachel Berry.

''Are you fucking serious, I love you!'' He screams, gripping on to my shoulders.

''Well, I don't love you! I tried to make it work, it's just not us!'' His grips tightens. ''Ow, you fucking bitch boy, get off!'' I growl, Rob punches him in order to get him off me, the hotel residents must be complaining now. I gasped, not expecting such a move from pacifist Rob.

''Don't fucking touch her, I'm going to kill you!'' Jensen stops before it could go any further.

''Fine. Have your way. Fuck Rob, fuck Rich for all I care. I knew you were in love with Benedict, this was all the confirming I needed.'' He hold his jaw, a gruff force in his vent. He zips up the two of his cases, barrelling the contents back into them.

''Fuck you!'' I screamed, red hot face, tears streaming down.

''Fuck you!'' He shouted back, it echoed through the building floor, I guess we can expect a call from reception soon.

I was shaking before Rob took me into his chest, sobbing.

''I-I-'' He shushed me, in a nurturing manner.

Rich started to explain to the two men that were awkwardly seated on the ugly red couch. All I could do was listen to the heart beat of the man holding me while I broke down, hearing the anger from the three behind us.

---

After a frustrating call from the hotel lobby, we break out the alcohol.

''He's such a hypocrite, he cheats and then comes in here, accusing me of shagging you all!'' I laugh at the hysterics of it all yet still fuming, I've calmed down after a couple shots of liquor from the mini bar- and I mean mini bar.

''Yeah- and then tries to say you're in love with Rob.'' Mark chuckles into his scotch.

My laugh is weak with no smile and R2 notice it, the others too busy loud-mouthing.

''Okay, it's late, and it's been a long day. I suggest we pack ourselves up and let the lady sleep.'' Rich takes the array of glasses to the sink, before ushering the boys and himself out, winking at Rob beforehand.

''Look, Y/n-'' Before he could start, I did.

''It's not a secret that I like you, Rob, not now. Do with it what you will, I've got baggage, whether you like me or not.'' I huff, wiping my hair from my face.

''I do, I really like you. I never said anything, because I thought you loved Jen, before you even dated. I thought there was a connection, I was wrong. But you and I? There's a connection and I know it, I've got baggage too. Please, not right away or even- right away, but give me chance to be the love he couldn't be.'' It was surreal to hear the words leave his mouth.

''As long as no one hears about this, apart from Rich because he's a fucking mind reader. I'll give you the biggest chance I can. It's been my dream since I met you.'' I confess, leaving his speech in the dust.

''Can I kiss you? Unless you're not ready for tha-'' Damn boy needs to shut his mouth.

I kiss him like I've never kissed anyone, pouring everything I have into it, his hands holding my head with care.

''Don't say anything, just be here tonight?'' He knew I wasn't asking to fuck, I just wanted comfort and company.

He nodded and joined me in the open bedroom, he stripped down to his underwear and I did the same, fishing out a shirt for me as well. We had changed in front of each other before, awkwardness, who?

''Sorry I don't have anything for you except a random shirt that fell out of his luggage. And you're not wearing that.'' He smiles and brings me into a hug when I lay on the covers, too warm for the duvet.

''I don't care.''

[doof-doofblog]

“It’s Wrecking Us!”

Tuesday 24th March 2020

Good Evening folks! How has your Tuesday been? I hope you've been able to keep yourself entertained during our time in lock-down! I'm sure you've all been looking forward to EastEnders this evening as much as I have! Shall we get right to it?!

I thought it was a good episode tonight, let's start at the beginning. Sharon clearly had no idea Ian that blackmailed Karen into leaving with Kayden. I was so hoping Karen was going to convince Sharon to reconsider and take Kayden back once she was good and really, however long that may take. I'm curious whether Sharon will wonder why Ian blackmailed her? Maybe that will be a conversation that will happen in the next few episodes? When Karen first mentioned it, you could see the look of confusion on Sharon's face as she peaked through the door. Sharon has so much support around her but it looks as if she really doesn't care anymore, it was sad when she spoke about people not deserving to be parents, it's obvious she was speaking about herself. I found that quite upsetting, it's really sad to hear those words come from her, she did everything she could for Dennis when he was alive, she doted on her son, it's a crying shame she can't feel the same way about Kayden. How will she ever be able to get through Dennis's funeral, I have a horrible feeling that episode is going to be a tough one to watch!  

Awwww, does anyone else feel proud of Linda for standing up to Shelley?! I sure as hell do!! It's been a long time coming for her, that's for sure, I'm so happy Linda put her in her place! I know it was just a small part of the soap but it was a moment that really stood out for me! It was lovely to see the old Linda back and sticking up for herself! Even when Mick showed his love for her, it was just so sweet to see! I hope this is the Mick and Linda we'll be seeing again for the foreseeable!

Ooooh also a bit more of flirting between Habiba and Jags! I don't know whether i'm finding it funny or sweet ... possibly both! They are both quite quirky characters, I think they would gel really well as a couple! Will it even get that far? Will it just be a bit of innocent flirting? We know they're due to spend a night together and possible share a kiss, will that lead to a more permanent relationship? What are your opinions on the possible new romance? Do you think Habiba and Jags suit each other? Let me know what you guys take on these two, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Awwww man, does any else feel for Whitney? How is she going to get back some form of normality? I mean, yes, it's good she's finally out of prison and is eating again (Even though she threw it back up) ... but what she said is right, how can she feel safe in her own home after what happened there? I mean, did you guys see the way she jumped out of her skin as the doorbell rang?! This is going to be a long journey for her to overcome, yes Leo is dead and her trail will be in 9 weeks time, but she'll probably feel like she'll be looking over her shoulder all the time? Will she possibly get counselling to help her move forward? I know i'm asking loads of questions, its just the thoughts going through my head. One thing is for sure she has a long way to go to overcome what she has been through. I was happy to finally see her eat something! I was hoping she'd be back eating something when she'd be free from prison ... thing is though, is there a chance she could possibly go back? She's due a trial right, could she still go to prison for murder or manslaughter? Or will the court actually listen and realise it was all self defence?! Ooooo so many questions about this story-line, i'm really looking forward to seeing how EastEnders continue with Whitney's story-line!

Awww gosh, Ballum were sad tonight! Oh, if only Kathy had keep sh-tum about Ben's possibility of cheating on Callum. Did you see the look on Callum's face?! I mean, he didn't but I think the intention was there! But would Ben ever forgive himself if he did? But luckily we don't have to worry about that as he didn't cheat on his boyfriend! But the look on Callum's face was devastating, after all they have been through including the boat crash, you can understand Callum's disappointment and feeling upset. What is it going to take for Ben to actually realise he loves Callum?! To be honest, I think he knows he already does, but perhaps he feels scared to say anything yet? When they were having that argument in the kitchen, you could both see how they were both hurting in different ways. Callum feels that Ben doesn't care that much about him at all, his recent behaviour hasn't been the best recently, but then again, how else is he supposed to react to losing his hearing? It's a difficult one I feel, Callum is doing all he can to support Ben and yet his boyfriend is just lashing out in anger because that's the only way he knows how to react ... he's scared, upset, frustrated ... lashing out is only the way Ben can cope! I think Jack spoke some true words to Ben, will he really take his advice and keep a straight head now?! When they were arguing, Ben was constantly say "I'm sorry!" ... did you see his look of panic when Callum said he couldn't carry on with it all, Ben does not want to lose him! He needs Callum! Ben's hearing loss is another hard story-line to watch and I think EastEnders and Max Bowden are portraying it brilliantly! When Ben broke down crying"I'm sorry!" Callum knew he couldn't walk away, Ben needs him now more than ever. For a moment, I did think Ben was going to shout out those three little words ... we know that moment is coming, and I for one, can't wait to see it when it happens! I can't wait to see the look on Callum's face when Ben says the words he's been longing to hear! Does anyone know when that will happen? After tonight's episode, it's got to be pretty soon right?!

Ahh, so Karen is considering the possibility of leaving with Kayden? I don't really want to see Karen leave, and personally, I don't think she will. If she does come to the decision, I believe something will stop her in her tracks and she'll stay in Walford with her family and bring up baby Kayden into the Taylor household. Can anyone tell me why Keegan looked as if he was the only one who didn't want his Mum to leave? Everyone else seemed understanding, as Bernie put it, baby Kayden is the one who needs looking after right now. We know Keegan is struggling right now, after the way he was treated by police due to the colour of his skin etc, but does anyone feel like he's kinda responsible for Bailey feeling upset? It was Keegan who had words with Mitch about it in the first place, do you think he probably feels guilty for putting those thoughts into Bailey's head that she can't achieve anything?! I think so! (Although I could be wrong). I'm kinda glad Ian told him, basically "Welcome to adulthood!" ... and THANK YOU TIFFANY .... I have been saying this for a while now, I feel the same as Tiffany, I don't get why Keegan is feeling like the colour of his skin is some form of disability! I had no idea that that kind of thing was still happening, if it is, then i'm shocked and I agree it shouldn't be! But she spoke some really true words there, "Every girl has had "The Talk" about what you should wear, where you can and cannot go!" and "Gingers" ... I had no idea society was still like that! I, personally, don't even look twice at a coloured person, because they are just the same as everyone else ... they have two eyes, one nose, two ears, one mouth, two arms and legs and feet just like the rest of us! They still breathe the same way as us, so why should the colour of their skin make them different?! I can kinda understand Keegan's frustration, but i'm glad Tiffany told him some home truths, I hope Keegan will kinda snap out of it now and really start focusing on his future and really trying hard to make something of his life, as he so wants!  

What did you make of tonight's episode? Sadly, that's all of EastEnders we'll have this week and we have to wait until next Monday now for the next episode. I hope you are all keeping yourself safe and staying home! Keep yourself clean and try and entertain yourself as much as possible during these hard times! We will get through this together! Hopefully EastEnders will be back on our screens as normal in a few weeks time? We can only hope, right?! Goodnight everyone! Keep safe! Please feel free to message me anytime you like, I'd love to hear your thoughts on anything EastEnders related! Love you all xXx

[vsag23]

Don’t Jump In! Moon conjunct Neptune.

Don’t Jump In! Moon conjunct Neptune.

Imagine this scenario: someone you know has come to see you and on their way over they have got stuck in traffic, had an argument with a co-worker on the phone and discovered that their husband spent the housekeeping on a hooker, then they call in at your house, and actually, they like you very much and just want to hang out for a while so they don’t mention any of that bad stuff, but inside they are angry, upset, hurt and frustrated, as would only be natural for anyone who had experienced such a frustrating and upsetting set of circumstances. For most, this visitor would appear agitated perhaps, maybe a little off and flat and for anyone without Moon conjunct Neptune it wouldn’t represent much of a blip on their personal radar, off their friend would toddle, and they might think to themselves “hmm, they seemed a little odd today, no matter”, and they would carry on about their business and probably forget all about it.

Not so for Moon conjunct Neptune. Not by a long chalk.

For anyone with Moon conjunct Neptune, they can feel the anger, resentment and frustration from their friend almost as a physical force in the room. The hostility would be profoundly uncomfortable, they feel so uncomfortable in fact that they may even begin to physically sweat, or shake, or feel a little wan and pale. And even before their friend was out the door they will already be running through the list of all possible misdemeanours they could possibly have committed to have caused such an upset, because it is entirely possible that their friend is angry because of something they have done, or said, or not said, or not done, or implied, or inferred or failed to anticipate.

Moon conjunct Neptune is sensitive.

So sensitive in fact that they can walk into a room and feel something in the walls. Moon conjunct Neptune doesn’t like hospitals, or asylums, or even places where somebody else has been in a bad mood in the last hour; and they really absorb the ambient and prevailing feel of people and places; they’re so sensitive in fact that you might even consider it a kind of social disability, because people who don’t have Moon conjunct Neptune simply have no clue how to behave around this person. Moon conjunct Neptune often wants to simply shut herself away if only to feel normal…

It’s not all bad though. There is no more refined possibility of feeling than that which exists as a potential within this aspect. It is entirely possible indeed to experience a sense of near-rapture when the conditions are just right. There is a deep well of feeling and compassion possible within this blend that probably exists nowhere else in the astrology, it creates many difficulties, peculiar ideas and strange notions, a feeling of being unsatisfied and misunderstood, a very difficult level of sensitivity to people and events, but by that same token it creates a sensitivity that when tweaked positively can open up a wide and verdant vista of communion with life that is truly rich and rewarding.

The most difficult consideration of Moon Neptune conjunctions however is found within this very deep pool of feeling that is created within the psyche, because all too often, and most especially in times of adversity, it is all to easy for them to simply “jump in”. It becomes something of a siren call for the native, not so much to wallow in their sense of being misunderstood, but actually to dive head-first into it and actually revel in it just a little. The most important advice I can possibly offer to anyone with Moon conjunct Neptune is to learn to recognise this tendency and when they hear that seductive song, to resist: “don’t jump in!” Skirt around the edge if you have to, paddle a little if you want, but keep your head above water: self awareness is the key, and the eternal refrain: “don’t jump in!” Make it your mantra.

The sense of Moon conjunct Neptune through the signs can be easily delineated by studying some examples.

Moon conjunct Neptune in Leo works rather well, because Leo is among the most naturally affectionate of the signs, so there is a route out of the adversity of this aspect through allowing that natural predilection to feeling human warmth shine through. At its worst Moon in Leo can tend to the vain and snobbish, but wherever Neptune is configured there is created a predilection to the immaterial. Those with this aspect who pursue the inclination to love of luxury found in the Moon placement will invariably experience disappointment as a result. Neptune in Leo though is profoundly melancholic too, so the tendency to jumping in to the lake of sorrow is decidedly exaggerated here. Jack Lemmon, Anne Frank and Peter Ustinov all demonstrate the gentle and kindly warmth of the conjunction in the eternal flame of the sign Leo: consider Nancy Reagan, Queen Elizabeth II and George C. Scott, all of whom evinced both Moon and Neptune in Leo, but without the conjunction, the quality of the blend when viewed in this context, is unmistakable.

In Virgo then, compare the three examples above: the Dalai Lama, Dustin Hoffman and Marvin gaye with any three other natives born with both Moon and Neptune in Virgo but out of the conjunction: so, for example, Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson and Lou Reed. Immediately you will get a sense of the conjunction, the blend, which sensitises, softens and creates an often difficult vulnerability in the manner. Moon in Virgo alone is not the greatest placement for Selene, since it creates an incompatible practicality where the head rules the heart, a love of tidiness, method and order but also, in its best manifestation a tendency to simplicity and frugal habits. At its worst, Neptune in Virgo is pedantic, fault-finding and difficult to work with (which is a criticism very much associated with Dustin Hoffman for example), but it also gives an intuitive understanding of others and a profound interest in natural health. When these influences are brought into the conjunctive blend then we have a potential for great sensitivity to environments, especially cluttered, chaotic spaces. It makes one hyper-sensitive to working relationships (which explains Dustin Hoffman’s reputation almost perfectly) and gives a profound interest in simple, healthy lifestyles and philosophies: which rather gels with the Dalai Lama’s admirable message of compassionate simplicity. Any Moon – Neptune contact speaks volumes about the relationship with the mother too, perhaps she was fault-finding and practical but in some other sense vague or hard to understand or especially sensitive herself. Maybe she was a clean and tidy drunk. Possibly she was profoundly spiritual and methodical in her habits too; the blend always plays out through the maternal experience in one way or other.

Libra creates a subtle leaning toward the Other, thus any configuration in the sign of the scales profoundly affects the entire process and approach to relating, and the Moon – Neptune blend is no exception. Neith put it this way, which speaks to this exact potential:

Having spent many years dealing with a Moon-Neptune conjunction in Libra making it very difficult for me to see the reality of what was going on in my relationships, I have some experience and a few thoughts on coping with Mr. Fogbank.

All of that innate sensitivity and confusion is experienced through close relationships, and nowhere more so than in the marriage, although it can potentially create a similar ambience in business or creative partnerships too. Moon in Libra alone creates a need for love and affection as well as a measure of dependence on the partner for security and comfort and when Neptune in Libra is configured there is a genuine requirement for friendship with the partner too, so all of that sensitivity that is implied by the conjunction must in some sense be played out through the partner, who must be a friend of the most supportive kind otherwise the native will tend to become melancholic and confused and – as ever with Libran concerns – slightly off-balance. Sting, David Essex and Benazir Bhutto all shared this conjunction.

Moon conjunct Neptune in Scorpio creates a very different ambience to Libra, although the vulnerability and sensitivity engendered by the aspect is still its standout feature. Consider the three examples of John Cusack, David Schwimmer and Greta Scaachi and contrast them with three natives having both Moon and Neptune in Scorpio but without the conjunction of the two in force: Will Smith, Liz Hurley and Jennifer Lopez. The softening and emotionally refining influence of the blend in these latter cases is absolutely conspicuous by its absence. Moon in Scorpio alone creates a tough, resilient, emotionally tenacious and frank impetus, while Neptune in this most emotionally intense of signs creates a very peculiar disposition, one that is rather difficult to fathom which simply increases the potential for being misunderstood that is already inherent in the aspect itself. Scorpio is of course deeply compassionate when evolved, and this aspect certainly encourages that outcome in those affected; this set of circumstances makes the Moon – Neptune in Scorpio native most likely to withdraw from the world – a fairly natural condition for the Scorpio in any case – since the sensitivity is increasingly tweaked by the experiential incomprehension which is the result of this blending. Neptune in Scorpio creates a tendency to soul-sickness and states of low level melancholy too and often this, when integrated into the emotionality of the Moon, creates a soft but world-weary ambience. When all is said and done however, Scorpio on the Moon is required to survive on meagre resources, they can nurture themselves on Spartan rations, emotionally as much as anywhere else, so there is at least an intimation of balance in the equation.

At its very best, in whatever sign it is found, the contact of Moon and Neptune of any type creates a great sympathetic ability in the astrology, a person who can understand and empathise with the difficulties of others, but the conjunction feels those self-same difficulties more directly and immediately than any other type of contact, and very often the sense is entirely involuntary. Vivid dreams are another factor in any of Moon’s applications to Neptune. At worst, the contact creates a tendency to fantasy, delusion and dishonesty, most especially with the square or the opposition, but even in such difficult cases, the overriding impression is one of profound sensitivity.

https://chirotic.com/2008/12/03/dont-jump-in-moon-conjunct-neptune/

[goodguyjean]

I've noticed one of the main differences between your interpretation of Jean and other interpretations of him is that you view his honesty and morals as a choice or a standard by which he holds himself to rather than a more involuntary process or personality trait. For example, reading him as having a commitment to honesty vs lack of filter (or an under development filter). Or reading him as having ethical standards vs compassion born out of human "weakness." Could you speak to this a bit more?

Jean’s defeatism in the draft of chapter 1, published in Englishin the first Attack on Titan guidebook. Sorry for the fuzzy picture!

Hiya, anon! No worries, I got the meaning of your messages :) Ican speak to all these questions a bit more and defend my interpretation ofJean; I think there’s enough evidence to support my reading in the manga, evenwhen it is separated from the initial draft, although I see where yourquestions come from. I agree with you that Jean is much more explicit aboutsome of his thoughts and motivations in the draft of chapter one, but I don’tthink they’re any less present in the actual manga, and may actually bepresented with a greater degree of subtlety in their published form.

(Preemptively, I’m going to say that I don’t think we should use the word sp*zzy; many people with disabilities consider it derogatory. I’m sure you didn’t mean it as such! But just soyou’re aware! I myself am currently trying to unlearn ableist language)

More under the cut :)

Tospeak to your first question, I do think Jean’s honesty is a conscious choicebased on the way the text frames it, but I also don’t think him valuing and choosing honestyis automatically at odds with it being an aspect of his personality. He has animpulse towards honesty and openness (just think of how he blurts out to Mikasathat she has beautiful hair or of his fight with Eren where he vents hisfrustrations in chapter 17; he also calls it his “bad habit” in chapter 15, suggesting it’s kind of automatic for him). I’ve argued elsewhere that by chapter 90Jean has developed a sense of kairos (timingof an argument) which I believe he lacks in the opening of the series–part ofhis evolution might be that he learns to distinguish when honesty is mostimportant and useful, whereas in the beginning some of his honesty might becounterproductive, I admit. But I think people do misunderstand Jean when theyportray his honesty as a complete lack of a filter, unthinking and uninformed.Because Jean does have a filter: he does make choices about when to say certainthings, and when he’s honest it mostly does seem related to important subjectslike the value of individual human life or his criticism of Eren. Tellingly, we actually see him apply a filter early on in the manga: after hisinitial encounter with Mikasa does not elicit positive results, Jean completelyclams up about his feelings for her, only thinking of revealing them when he ison the verge of death, when Mikasa is not even present herself.

Chapter 7. This scene comes before weknow about Jean’s crush on Mikasa in the manga, so it was very confusing for mewhen I initially read it—in the anime it comes after the training sequences, sowe know that Jean is probably talking about Mikasa. Still, the Englishis vague. According to @mirandafandomette who checks the French translation forme whenever I have a question (thanks, bro!), Jean says “faire ma déclaration”here, which has a heavy romantic connotation.

Jeandoes not flirt with Mikasa, he does not hound Mikasa to earn her attention(despite fandom portrayals). He leaves her alone. He creates a filter, andalthough he develops a rivalry with Eren after this event, he keeps thisparticular motivation for it under wraps. Hardly what we would expect of someone whohad absolutely no ability to control his speech or did not care about hurtingpeople. This is not to say that hiding his feelings for Mikasa is dishonest: he never denies them, forinstance, and as such I don’t think his secret-keeping runs counter to hisvalues or his personality. It’s just that, in this instance, he can and does recognize aboundary, and upholds it.

Ibelieve we also see Jean choose to be honest at an early stage of his career inthe military. When Shadis asks him why he’s enlisted, we have a panel whereyoung Jean pauses before answering. He doesn’t just blurt his motivation out,but grits his teeth and gives an honest reply.

Chapter 15.

Ithink it’s important we get this panel of pausing here: I think it shows that Jean isthinking, being deliberate in what he says as a response. For Jean, even at soyoung an age, being honest within the military is a political move. He’s openabout his motivations, refuses to go along with the charade of wanting to do aservice for the king or wanting to be a hero for fighting the titans. Hecritiques both Eren and Marco for their idealism, believing it masks their fearand insecurities. Instead, he chooses to live with his fears exposed.

Chapter 3.

Chapter 15.

Jeanprides himself on knowing the stakes. He doesn’t claim to be something he’snot, even when it makes him look bad or runs counter to military discourseabout bravery and service. This honesty serves him well: as Marco says, peopletrust him because of it, following him when he’s willing to put himself at riskfor a cause because they believe he’s adequately assessed the situation andthought through the risks.

Chapter 18.

Chapter 23. Jean successfully gets Reiner and Armin to follow his plan.

Allof this honesty goes beyond just not having a filter. Sure, Jean canoccasionally pick inopportune times to voice his opinion, but he never does sowithout fully comprehending the risk involved in doing so. That facet of hishonesty, more than anything, is calculated and brave. We see Jean, forinstance, pause and consider before telling Levi that he thinks he’s going toofar with Historia. Jean is the only one who voices a direct critique, and wesee him building up to confronting Levi about his methodology beforehand.

 Chapters 55-56.

So Ithink my answer to your question is that Jean both has this natural impulsetowards honesty, but also chooses it as his life philosophy, which he nuancesover time and as he gains experience.

Tomove on to your second point, I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but I actuallycan’t think of a moment in the manga where Jean behaves in a particularlyimmature or goofy way ^^’. Which scenes were you thinking of, in particular? Ithink one would be hard-pressed to read him as a comic relief character in themanga. And sure, he’s growing and maturing post-chapter 50, but he’s notstarting from a really immature point, particularly because he’s alreadyundergone a lot of growth since the beginning of the manga. We don’t see thetype of immaturity and shenanigans incorporated into the cooking contest OVA,for example, and Jean pretty much never gives us the cocky grins he’s known forin the anime—in the manga he’s almost always frowning or making creepy faces,actually ^^’. I’ve read the interview where Isayama claims to have beeninfluenced by the anime’s portrayal of Jean and his VA in particular, but Ipersonally don’t see this influence coming through very strongly (perhaps inthe HS AU Jean?). Jean is pretty consistently serious, and scenes that aremeant to be humorous involving him often involve Sasha and Connie—Sasha stealingbread and Jean and Armin lecturing her, Jean and Connie trying to prevent Sashafrom eating up all the meat at a feast, Sasha and Connie dunking Jean in theocean … I guess Jean drinking from the ocean can be read as goofy, but Iread the ocean scenes as people being giddy and ecstatic at having encounteredthe ocean at last—an understandable reaction! And when Jean challenges Erenafter the events of the Reiss cave, he seems genuinely worried about him andlike he’s trying to provoke him into a fight to get his old spark back—it’s nothim being goofy and stumbling into something that works, it really seemscalculated on his part, given how many times he tries (three!) and Armin’sknowing look.

Chapters 70, 72. My close-reading ofthese scenes can be found here.

Mypoint is, if these scenes are funny it’s because Jean is so serious andsomething distinctly not serious is happening to him, or because everyone iskind of in a lighter mood, or because Jean is actually saying something kind offunny. These jokes don’t really seem to about Jean’s immaturity or naturalgoofiness. I’d be curious to hear if I’ve missed something, but I just don’tsee this behavior you’re talking about, I’m sorry.

To goon a bit of a tangent, I think the comparison to Reiner is apt though, and Ithink it is something that pops up within the manga itself. While Reinerinitially disparages Jean as “not a real soldier,” Jean actually turns out tobe someone Reiner desperately wants to be: someone who lives by his convictionsand never actually hides himself. Whereas Reiner is confused about hisloyalties and develops multiple personas to cope with the disconnect betweenhis feelings and his actions (as well as to just manage everything that’s goingon around him), Jean balks at pretending he’s someone he’s not (Eren, onmultiple occasions, and possibly now Helos) and is very open about hismotivations. We even see them compared in their reactions to a former-comrade-nowenemies’ death, and we can tell they’re being compared because of theirpositioning in these panels.

Chapter 77. These incidents, the former aflashback, both occur in the same chapter. Reiner and Jean both address theircrying comrades, whom they have been leading, after they have killed a formerfriend.

Althoughit pains him, Jean honestly owns Reiner’s “death” while Reiner disassociates tocope with Marco’s death. Now, Jean has not been put under the kinds of stressesthat Reiner has by any means, and I don’t mean to imply that Reiner’s responseto death is somehow a moral failing since it is really beyond his control, butit strikes me that Jean becomes the honest compassionate soldier that Reinercannot be because of his circumstances (not necessarily in the above scene, but elsewhere, even earlier in the manga when Jean suggests to Reiner that they put themselves as risk to give the Survey Corps time to retreat). They’re both “cool,” as you and Isayamasay, but Jean’s the one who is actually practicing what he preaches—again, thisis not to come down too hard on Reiner, who is in a very tricky situation andis suffering severely, but merely to point out that Jean is actually Reiner’sideal and the vision he tried to live out for himself, but couldn’t. And Reinerstill thinks of Jean as his antithesis, a lazy guy who cares for no one buthimself. Tragic irony!

Chapter 94. Reiner’s recollection of Jean. Reiner may also be trying to talk himself out of his fondness for Jean.

As toyour third question, I do believe that Jean is aware of the stakes of thattitan war and is still a genuine defeatist in the published manga. Although he is less explicit that he thinks the titans are going to burst through the walls, I think that probability has to be on his mind as he talks about the Cull.  It comesthrough pretty clearly to me in his discussion about how humanity doesn’t havea chance.

Chapter3.

Jean issomber here. He’s incredibly clear-sighted, as we learn from other places inthe manga, and he can’t be unaware that if the titans broke through the Wallonce, they could do it again, especially since they outnumber the humans. His statement is a blanket one: humanity doesn’tstand a chance against the titans. They can’t fight them, they can’t outlastthem, and they’ll never be free from their influence. It seems pretty clear tome that Jean is under no illusions about the ultimate fate of humanity in thisworld, and that his decision to make it into the MP is about making the most ofwhat time he has.

Chapter3.

Ialso think this mindset is suggested by his reaction to the titans’ secondappearance in the manga. He asks “Why did it have to be today?”

Chapter4.

Not,“oh shit, they actually came back,” but, “just my luck, it was today, the day I wassupposed to make it to the MP.”

Jeanis horrified and has a visceral reaction to the reappearance of the titans, butit was not entirely unexpected to him. As I said at the beginning of this post,Jean’s defeatism may not be as explicitly expressed as in the draft of thefirst chapter where he essentially says they’re all waiting around to die, butit still seems implicit in the way he frames the titan threat. It’sinsurmountable, it’s coming for them, and when it arrives it’s terrifying, butnot a surprise.

MaybeI’m reading too much into these scenes, but it seems to me that Jeanreally does think the titans are coming, and what he wants is to experience theinterior and make the most out of whatever kind of life he has. Jean is not afool, although Eren often reads him as one; he doesn’t seem to have anyillusions that the titans are going to stay outside Wall Rose, or that humanityis truly safe inside the Walls. Just that the interior is the safest spot within the walls and the highest quality of life available to him.

Hopethis answers you questions about my interpretation, anon! Thanks for the notes:)

[feministtraysh]

Sometimes, its really fucking difficult to apply disability theory to your life or current situation in a helpful way when your body is hellbent on destroying itself. Being chronically ill and being in pain constantly does not fit nicely into the narrative of disability, and its constantly ignored for that reason. Yes, my body is different and has specific needs that are often at odds with the current systems of domination in place. Yes, my body is treated differently because of ableism and has had so many different types of subtle and not-so-subtle traumas inflicted upon it BECAUSE it is different.   Yes, accessibility improves the quality of my life and allows me to participate in things that would otherwise not be an option for me.  But with the (neo)libfem takeover of disability theory (because it’s very trendy to have a fancy, unheard of axis of domination to flaunt to others in their communities, ready to strike at any moment to callout their so-called comrades for their “ableist language”)(as if that is what us actually disabled people are preoccupied with), it’s very hard to find a space where those of us with bodies that don’t cooperate with what we want, that put us in pain constantly, that are intent on killing us, can express the frustration of having a disabled body. There’s no doubt that I love my body, and I even poke fun of how confused it is that it would attack its own tissues or insist vis-à-vis pain that there is an imminent threat of tissue damage when there is none. But there are moments I feel incredibly trapped by it, and when turning to most disability theory or activism, I only find commands to love my body anyway, or show my suffering to others (able-bodied people) so that they can see how hard it is and change their ableist ways. Sometimes I have the energy or wherewithal to do just that. But often, I am left with a clear impression that the people saying those things have no idea what it is like to actually be disabled, or best case scenario, they have no idea what it’s like to be chronically ill, to be sick all the time. It eerily rhymes with the “self-empowerment” discourse that is utilized by mainstream “feminism” as a method of encouraging capitalist consumption. It is true that the personal is political, in that systems of domination act upon individual undesirable bodies, and us undesirables must identify those actions for what they are and resist. My physical body has been harmed and violated and traumatized because of a combination of ableism, misogyny, and lesbophobia -- phenomenons that exist on a global scale, that percolate into our sense of self and the world via socialization, and are violently enforced.  BUT, disability justice and activism cannot reside solely within millions, billions of individual bodies. It must expand to dismantle the entire system of ableism (as well as other systems it’s entangled with) -- this is a fact true of all social movements: it must be class-based analysis, followed by class-wide action if it is to be successful. Disability is not an exception to this reality.  What is specific to and different with disability than with other forms of class-based oppression and resistance, is that when all is said and done, we are still left with broken bodies that put us in pain, in bed, in the hospital, and/or in the ground, too soon. That’s not socialization folks, that’s the definition of our illnesses & disabilities. And while unpacking the socialization that teaches us our bodies are useless, unworthy, not ours, up for medical experimentation, etc. is helpful, it cannot, and does not, comfort me when I am in bed for the fourth day in a row, left with sleeping for 15 hours/day as my only effective pain relief option.  I don’t know what I am left with, as disability theory helps me when my disabled body needs to interact with the world, with other people, but it does little to nothing when I am left alone with my painful, broken body. As many disabled/chronically ill people know, alone is the majority of the time I exist because of my illness -- alone, in bed, in conversation when I am suppressing the pain that I am in because people hear me talk about it too much already, in my thoughts about how little treatment options I have to take my pain away. I am in no way devoid of hope and I want to live as long as I can. But moments like these, when I am overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness, it would be nice to have something, some theory or idea to sit with and roll over in my head, because being lonely and alone in spirit and actuality, is scary and also really, really boring.   Any thoughts or methods of coping from chronically ill womyn are encouraged. 

[allthethingswecoulddo]

Being a Bi Survivor- 11 Reflections

This Bi Visibility Day I want to share my story of being a survivor. Before we begin, some content warnings. 

Read with care.  ❤️

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In this post, I talk about coercive relationships and sexual violence including mentions of rape in an intimate relationship. I explore my experience of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other mental health issues including thoughts of suicide. 

I’ve used asterisks for some difficult words e.g. I write s****l violence and r**e  

You can find links to services in this post. If you don’t feel like reading on, that’s cool!

When I read the statistics on bi experiences of s****l violence, a whole cacophony of feelings surface. I see myself and my friends reflected; surviving, processing and trying to pave a way through the rest of our lives after abuse. I hear echoes of the invalidation and ridicule that permeates public consciousness about bi identities. I’m reminded of the voices within the queer community that erase and degrade bi people, with off-hand comments or sustained attacks. And it’s not easy to find the words for those feelings or the words to explain that biphobia leads to deep and lasting harm.

Bisexual women are five times more likely than heterosexual women to be abused by a partner. In one study, 10.8 per cent of bi women reported having been abused, compared to 8.2 per cent of lesbians and 6 per cent of straight women. *

Bisexuals who experience multiple oppressions, such as trans, BAME or disabled people, face even higher rates of sexual violence. Evidence from America shows that while trans people face higher rates of sexual violence, bi trans women are the most at risk.*

I hope that by sharing my experience, other survivors will feel less alone and discover tools to navigate their way through the uncharted terrain of trauma. The role of biphobia in the abuse I experienced might not seem obvious, but it is front and center - biphobia made me vulnerable to abuse, biphobia played a part in sustaining my self-doubt and biphobia strengthened my fear that no one would believe me.

It’s important to emphasize that abuse can happen to anyone. Whether or not you are bi or LGBT+, I hope that this is useful for you.

I was trapped, and only when I left did the fear flood in.

Whilst I was in an abusive relationship, I couldn’t see it. My mental health spiraled, and my friends expressed concern about the dynamics of the relationship. I was much better at finding flaws in myself and other reasons I felt tangled up than I was at recognizing the ways my boundaries were being crossed, and my trust abused. In other words, I blamed myself from the start.

Only after I had left the relationship did I start to recognize what had been happening; that coercion and manipulation were at the heart of the way my abuser had been communicating with me and treating me. The dislocation between my inner world of turmoil and the realities of the relationship suddenly make sense, and that’s when I started to feel the fear.

I felt it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

It might seem like a strange concept, to ‘realise’ that you’ve been fearful of someone or to ‘realise’ that you’ve been harmed. How could I not know that I’d been s******y assaulted?

The saying ‘the penny dropped’, ‘it hit me like a tonne of bricks’ and ‘my world turned upside down’ had never felt so literal as when I started to recognise that I’d escaped an abusive relationship.

My body kept secrets until I was ready to survive them.

Even at this time, when symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) kicked in and I was at my lowest, I remember being so grateful and in awe of my body. It was as if it had held onto all the feelings I couldn’t have processed and managed within the relationship.

My body waited until I was safe to release all the feelings that you’d expect in a situation of threat. I could feel the chemicals in my bloodstream, keeping me awake, alert, poised for defense. 

Hypervigilance plagued my days and nights - it was exhausting, and at the time I didn’t understand what was happening. I felt like I was losing control, and didn’t know what to believe.

Fight. Flight. Freeze. 

I’d heard of the fight or flight response, but I didn’t know you could freeze. It makes sense. When it happened I left my body, I left the room, I went into another world because the one I was in was unbearable. That’s how my body and mind protected me.

But then dissociation became a way for my mind and body to cope in the aftermath too. For me, it felt like a powerful anesthetic, numbing out every feeling indiscriminately, even the good stuff.

Random things would trigger panic or dissociation - most annoyingly, for a long time, I couldn’t listen to the song Golden Years by David Bowie. If I smelt damp clothes or saw a red rain jacket, a whole string of associations fired through me and I was hurtling towards a panic attack.

She told me to respect my coping mechanisms. I hated them. 

My therapist (who I could barely afford - that’s a whole topic of its own) explained that this was a coping mechanism and that I should respect it and work with it. But I was impatient and frustrated. I wanted to get over this, quick.

Looking back, I was struggling to accept what had happened. It was like a story I was telling myself, about someone else’s misfortune.

Time was my enemy.

This period of time, in my memory, feels warped and strange. I remember feeling minutes passing, and time was like sinking sand - it was so hard to keep moving forward and I couldn’t see a future.

I started to have thoughts of suicide. I hadn’t experienced that before and felt really scared and confused. Above all, I felt completely alone, like no one would understand - even if I had the words.

Just above the city, our dinghy, my lifeboat- Survivors’ Network.

Something that surprised me and I’ve never forgotten is how a reserve of resilience and determination, an energy that I never knew I had, surged forward just when I thought I wanted to give up. 

I found Survivors’ Network and started to go to group meet-ups. At first, I’d sit in the circle and drink the tea, eat the biscuits and smile like I was at a community meeting about, I don’t know...a litter problem in the city!?

I fooled myself into believing I didn’t belong there, that it was inconsequential and I was just coming along for the ride. I was keeping my own experience at arm's length so I didn’t have to face the fallout. But as I listened to other survivors’ stories and got to know them, I became comfortable enough to start sharing and chipping away at my shame. 

The group became like a transient family, and a lifeline when I needed it most. 

She told me she believed me.

Only a few friends knew what was going on. I started using other services like Samaritans, RISE and Rape Crisis for extra support. One night I called a hotline for survivors and confessed (to myself as much as the volunteer at the end of the line) that I couldn’t tell anyone what had happened, because I was scared they wouldn’t believe me. They just paused and said, I believe you. I felt relief radiate my chest and hot tears melting the frozen numbness I’d been trying to break out of.

Every good night’s sleep is a Fuck You.

After that, barrages of feelings were set free. One of the most difficult being anger. I didn’t know how to channel it or what to do with it.

I played Golden Years really loudly in my room, pushed myself to go places I desperately wanted to avoid because they were associated with my trauma or ran the risk of seeing my abuser by attending things I would usually go to.

I later learned that intentionally triggering yourself after abuse isn’t unusual. It was partly a way of feeling alive through the numbness, and partly my rage starting to bubble to the surface. I wasn’t going to be kept silent and hidden.

But over time I learned to redefine defiance. I remember the first time I said my abusers' name in therapy without disappearing into dissociation, I called them a wanker and my therapist - who was quite posh and quite serious- said, ‘I see your strength come back when you say that.’

My successes in recovery were small, slow and quiet - I learned to celebrate every single one. And to start sharing my journey with the people I love and trust.

It took a long time to feel like a ‘survivor.’ 

A friend who supported me at the time told me once to ‘make the abuser small, in your mind.’ For me, PTSD flashbacks were not the only way that I felt I was ‘reliving’ the trauma. Fear had permeated every aspect of my life, making me feel as if I was still living through it. The idea of shrinking down my abuser in my mind started to help me see that there was no looming, invisible threat, ready to strike at any moment. It was over, and I was safe.

It became something I had survived. Bit by bit I befriended my body again, and started to heal - recalibrating into the present and mapping my ‘new normal.’

My ‘new normal’.

I wish I had known that although trauma would devastate my life, it would give me an opportunity to rebuild it with self-compassion at the center. When people told me, ‘you won’t always feel like this’, or ‘you’ll adjust’- I thought they meant that I would get used to living in darkness.

Survival for me has meant a lot of private, proud moments. Managing to sleep through the night, laughing with friends, finding coping mechanisms that make me feel safe and above all, learning to open up to meaningful connection with others in a way I don’t think I did even before all of this.

Recovery is a process and one that isn’t always linear. There’s no right way to do it. If like me, you take two steps forward and one step back - just know you are never alone.

Thank you so much for reading.

Here’s that post featuring some survivor services again.

Want to know about any future posts, zines or projects about I do about being a survivor? Pop me an email at mollymaher93@gmail.com

* Both stats are taken from here: https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/bisexual-lgbt-pride-sexual-assault-violence-invisible-minority-survivors-a8435226.html

*Here’s a definition of bi from Stonewall: https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/glossary-terms#b

[shes-healing]

Recovery is a choice <3

It’s the end of mental health month so I thought I’d share my story, to show you that no matter how disabling or debilitating your illness is, you always have the power and the choice to change things. (Please read until the end.)

I’ve struggled with dealing with my intense emotions ever since I was little. Where I lived then, there was essentially no mental health awareness, so by the time I was 11 I was self-harming, purging, having suicidal thoughts, and struggling badly with perfectionism. My thoughts and emotions became more and more unbearable, but because I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t reach out until it was too late; by then I’d become horribly depressed and painfully suicidal. I was put on fluoxetine, but it didn’t work for me. 7th April 2016, I was admitted to hospital after a suicide attempt. You don’t want this.

I know this is all negative atm, but please keep reading.

My first psychiatric unit was a high dependency one, so I was under supervision 24/7 - including the toilet and showers and at night. It was so embarrassing, so degrading and frustrating. You don’t want this. Far away from home, the other patients and staff had to put up with my daily hysterical sobbing and screaming on the phone to my parents, begging them to get me out of there. I couldn’t sleep feeling the nurse’s eyes watching me every night. Terrified, confused, and utterly miserable, I had no bedsheets, no clothes in my room, no nothing, because of my risk. I felt abandoned by everyone I knew as I had no contact with them, which just worsened my state. I had no control over anything. I’m telling you: you don’t want this. 

Still with me? So far it’s just a sob story, but I promise you my post has a real purpose.

I was put on citalopram, quetiapine, promethazine and zopiclone, and after a month I made enough progress to be transferred to a lower-risk unit where, although I had incidents and more attempts and lows, I learned a lot and improved. Through the help of the amazing staff there, and through my motivation to get well enough to go home, I was discharged in August, with a diagnosis of a depressive episode, anxiety and emerging EUPD. I regret keeping my purging habits a secret; if you hide things, you’ll get worse. The doctors will find out eventually and intervene, and you’ll have to deal with the implications, as I do now. I’ve now been home for almost a full year, working my arse off to recover.

I’m not there yet with my independence. I still rely on my mum to help me cope with a lot of things (too many); I only go outside if she’s with me, I only eat if she portions out the meals and tells me to and sits with me, and I panic if I’m in a room on my own for too long. I have four therapy sessions a week. My mum has to put up with my meltdowns, my “stroppy toddler” moments, my sensitivity and my incidents. My sisters are used to their big sister having crying fits. My school made a lot of adjustments for me. In other words, my illness affects a lot of people daily, and whilst I’m forever grateful that I have their support, it’s not normal. You don’t want this.

What’s the point of me telling you this? Well, I think only after knowing the context of my illness will you see that I’ve made progress.

I can now cope without constant supervision. I can now sleep on my own. Most days I can cope at school, and if I can’t I know what to do and have a support system. DBT is the best thing that’s ever happened in my recovery - I’m learning to cope with my struggles in healthy ways instead of clinging onto unhelpful behaviours. I’ve finally found meds that work for me: sertraline, quetiapine, and melatonin for sleeping. I’m eating enough most days, I’m a healthy weight, and I’m purging way less. Yes, I’m not there yet. Yes, it’s easier to give in to my urges. Yes, my thoughts are still disordered, and there’s still A LOT to change. But I will recover. And right now I’m taking my GCSE exams like most 16-year-olds in the UK, which is also a huge achievement. 

It’s taken LOADS of hard work to get to where I’m at right now. There hasn’t been a day when I haven’t been terrified of recovery, but despite that, I persevered and I’ll continue doing so. I refuse to have my life be controlled and defined by my illness.

You can either let your illness win, or you can do what you can to make the most of what’s available to you. You can get better. Don’t be ashamed of having therapy and taking medication, and don’t give up if things don’t work at first. You just have to bite the bullet. I promise you: it will pay off.

Maybe my problems wouldn’t have escalated if there’d been more mental health awareness, and if I’d known how to cope healthily with what I was experiencing when I was little. So please look after your younger siblings. I’m teaching my little sisters all about healthy coping skills. Early intervention is so important, and I hope that in the future more and more people will have a better knowledge of mental health. 

[gordonwilliamsweb]

Must-Reads Of The Week From Brianna Labuskes

The Friday Breeze

Newsletter editor Brianna Labuskes, who reads everything on health care to compile our daily Morning Briefing, offers the best and most provocative stories for the weekend.

Happy Friday! In news that is technically really good and exciting but is also kind of icky: yarn made from human skin could eventually be used to stitch up surgical wounds as a way to cut down on detrimental reactions from patients. As CNN reports, “The researchers say their ‘human textile,’ which they developed from skin cells, can be used for knitting, sewing and even crochet.” My face has been stuck in the scream emoji since I read this story, so please join me. (Also for those who think neat!, make sure to check out Philadelphia’s Mutter Museum, which has a journal bound with human skin and is actually very cool.)

Now on to what you may have missed this week.

It’s that time of year! President Donald Trump gave his State of the Union address to Congress, where he declared the nation’s future to be “blazing bright.” During his speech he promised to “never let socialism destroy American health care,” encouraged Congress to send him a bill on drug pricing (to which Democrats began chanting the name of the legislation the House has already passed), and touted his administration’s push for price transparency in health care.

He also said that Democrats were trying to provide health coverage for immigrants who are in the country illegally; called for a ban on abortions that are late in term; promised to always protect Medicare; said more than 7 million people have been shifted off food stamps during his term; and took credit for a drop in health insurance premiums. Various outlets fact checked these statements — which range from completely false to misleading to true — so I’ll link to a collection of them.

Fact Checking State Of The Union: Premiums, Pre-existing Conditions, Price Transparency, And More

The New York Times: Six Takeaways From Trump’s 2020 State Of The Union Speech

Stat: Dems Interrupted The State Of The Union To Chant For Their Drug Pricing Bill

The Friday Breeze

Want a roundup of the must-read stories this week chosen by KHN Newsletter Editor Brianna Labuskes? Sign up for The Friday Breeze today.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

Sign Up

  And now for the coronavirus roundup, where I sifted through hundreds of stories so you don’t have to. Before we dive in, just a reminder that there are still only 12 confirmed cases in the U.S.

— As coronavirus cases in China skyrocket past 30,000 (with 636 deaths), Chinese officials are now performing house-to-house searches in Wuhan, collecting the sick and warehousing them in quarantine centers. In the city, there’s a growing sense that the residents are being sacrificed for the good of the rest of the country. “There must be no deserters, or they will be nailed to the pillar of historical shame forever,” said Vice Premier Sun Chunlan.

The New York Times: China Tightens Wuhan Lockdown In ‘Wartime’ Battle With Coronavirus

— The death of one of the first Chinese doctors to warn about a coronavirus outbreak sent waves of grief and anger through a nation that’s growing more and more frustrated with how its government is handling the outbreak.

The New York Times: A Rare Online Revolt Emerges In China Over Death Of Coronavirus Whistle-Blower

— After a week of cases jumping by double-digit percentages, health officials still say it’s too early to declare that the virus has peaked.

The Wall Street Journal: World Health Authorities Warn Virus Hasn’t Peaked After China’s Deadliest Day

— Hundreds more Americans were evacuated from China and will be quarantined by the U.S. government. But the outrageous fact I learned this week is that those people (and their insurers) are on the hook for any medical costs that arise from being quarantined. For those who are deemed unable to afford health insurance, the government will pick up the tab but it might outsource some of those costs to programs like Medicaid when possible. The evacuees also have to pay for their flight out of China and the cost to get to their final destination when the quarantine is over.

CNN: What It Means To Be Under The Coronavirus Federal Quarantine In The US

— In what seems a bit like the start of a dystopian reality TV show, thousands of cruise passengers are being quarantined on two ships off the coast of Japan and Hong Kong. A third cruise has been turned away from multiple ports.

The Washington Post: Trapped On Coronavirus-Ravaged Cruise Ship, Diamond Princess Passengers Struggle To Keep Spirits Up

— This story is an interesting look at how the first case in the U.S. was discovered, and more broadly showcases local public health officials who are often the ones on the front lines of a new outbreak.

The New York Times: Inside The Race To Contain America’s First Coronavirus Case

— The majority of human diseases, including the coronavirus, are zoonotic, or passed from animals to humans. If you want a brief summary of some notable ones throughout history, check out this piece from WSJ that includes a shout-out to a 5,300 mummified man who, before he died from an arrow, suffered from Lyme disease.

The Wall Street Journal: Plagues From The Animal Kingdom

— Not to be all doom and gloom, it seems to be humans’ lot in life to constantly be at war with pathogens. That means even if we contain the coronavirus, there’s just another deadly pathogen waiting in the wings.

Bloomberg: Man Vs. Microbe: We’re Not Ready For The Next Global Virus Outbreak

Meanwhile, this year’s strain of the flu is hitting children particularly hard. More than half of the positive flu tests from public health labs this season have been in children and adults under the age of 25.

The Wall Street Journal: The Flu Is Hitting Children Especially Hard This Season

It might be hard to focus on anything but the results snafu at the Iowa caucuses, but advocates for disabled voters are also reporting back on how the efforts to expand access played out. The Iowa Democratic Party took strides this year to better help disabled voters participate, and for some the experience was positive. Others, however, said that reality looked a lot different than what the party’s messaging promised.

Stateline: Confusion Reigned In Iowa Caucus — Even Before The Chaotic Results

Stat: Amid Iowa Chaos, Some With Disabilities Got An Accessible Caucus Location

In theory, employers pay their workers less because part of their benefits package includes health insurance. But if the country moved toward a “Medicare for All” model, would workers see their wages increase dollar-by-dollar of what was being spent on coverage? Not necessarily.

The New York Times: Would Your Wages Rise Under ‘Medicare For All’?

Although the Trump administration’s roll-out of the “Healthy Adult Opportunity” program that would encourage states to shift toward a block-grant style of funding drew lots of attention, a little-noticed change that could lead to big cuts flew somewhat under the radar. Governors of both parties, however, are sounding the alarm that an arcane fiscal accountability rule could lead to cuts up to $49 billion a year.

The Associated Press: Trump Rule Could Lead To Big Medicaid Cuts, Governors Warn

As is often the case with bans, teenagers are already finding a way around the e-cigarette flavor restrictions that went into effect this week. The FDA only regulated reusable vaping products, but disposable pods (with flavors like pink lemonade) are widely available at gas stations and the like.

The Associated Press: FDA Crackdown On Vaping Flavors Has Blind Spot: Disposables

VA Secretary Robert Wilkie abruptly fired his undersecretary, James Byrne, this week in what he called a “simple business decision.” Wilkie was forced to defend the decision because Byrne was well-liked by the veterans community, and the loss was just the latest in a long string of turnovers at the top of the troubled agency. Some also questioned if the dismissal had anything to do with the investigation of sexual assault allegations by Navy veteran Andrea Goldstein.

The New York Times: Deputy Secretary Of Veterans Affairs Is Abruptly Dismissed

And in the miscellaneous file for the week:

— Following the recent deaths of 15 inmates, the Justice Department has opened a civil rights investigation into the Mississippi prison system, which seems to be in the grips of a violent crisis.

The New York Times: Justice Dept. Opens Civil Rights Investigation Into Mississippi Prisons

— Anonymous reporting systems that have been set up to help prevent school shootings have actually been helping combat the epidemic of suicides in teens. Schools and local officials are pouring billions of dollars into preventing the next mass attack, and yet self-harm and suicidal ideation are what students are reporting far more often than any kind of suspicious activity. Public health officials say this should be a wake-up call about the real threat to young people.

NBC News: School Tip Lines Were Meant To Stop Shootings, But Uncovered A Teen Suicide Crisis

— How do you raise kids to prepare them for the projected negative effects of climate change without causing more trauma, anxiety and depression in a generation that’s already struggling to cope with such mental health issues? It’s a fine line to walk, experts say.

The Washington Post: Eco-Anxiety Is Overwhelming Kids. Where’s The Line Between Education And Alarmism?

And that’s it from me! Have a great weekend.

Must-Reads Of The Week From Brianna Labuskes published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[dinafbrownil]

Must-Reads Of The Week From Brianna Labuskes

The Friday Breeze

Newsletter editor Brianna Labuskes, who reads everything on health care to compile our daily Morning Briefing, offers the best and most provocative stories for the weekend.

Happy Friday! In news that is technically really good and exciting but is also kind of icky: yarn made from human skin could eventually be used to stitch up surgical wounds as a way to cut down on detrimental reactions from patients. As CNN reports, “The researchers say their ‘human textile,’ which they developed from skin cells, can be used for knitting, sewing and even crochet.” My face has been stuck in the scream emoji since I read this story, so please join me. (Also for those who think neat!, make sure to check out Philadelphia’s Mutter Museum, which has a journal bound with human skin and is actually very cool.)

Now on to what you may have missed this week.

It’s that time of year! President Donald Trump gave his State of the Union address to Congress, where he declared the nation’s future to be “blazing bright.” During his speech he promised to “never let socialism destroy American health care,” encouraged Congress to send him a bill on drug pricing (to which Democrats began chanting the name of the legislation the House has already passed), and touted his administration’s push for price transparency in health care.

He also said that Democrats were trying to provide health coverage for immigrants who are in the country illegally; called for a ban on abortions that are late in term; promised to always protect Medicare; said more than 7 million people have been shifted off food stamps during his term; and took credit for a drop in health insurance premiums. Various outlets fact checked these statements — which range from completely false to misleading to true — so I’ll link to a collection of them.

Fact Checking State Of The Union: Premiums, Pre-existing Conditions, Price Transparency, And More

The New York Times: Six Takeaways From Trump’s 2020 State Of The Union Speech

Stat: Dems Interrupted The State Of The Union To Chant For Their Drug Pricing Bill

The Friday Breeze

Want a roundup of the must-read stories this week chosen by KHN Newsletter Editor Brianna Labuskes? Sign up for The Friday Breeze today.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

Sign Up

  And now for the coronavirus roundup, where I sifted through hundreds of stories so you don’t have to. Before we dive in, just a reminder that there are still only 12 confirmed cases in the U.S.

— As coronavirus cases in China skyrocket past 30,000 (with 636 deaths), Chinese officials are now performing house-to-house searches in Wuhan, collecting the sick and warehousing them in quarantine centers. In the city, there’s a growing sense that the residents are being sacrificed for the good of the rest of the country. “There must be no deserters, or they will be nailed to the pillar of historical shame forever,” said Vice Premier Sun Chunlan.

The New York Times: China Tightens Wuhan Lockdown In ‘Wartime’ Battle With Coronavirus

— The death of one of the first Chinese doctors to warn about a coronavirus outbreak sent waves of grief and anger through a nation that’s growing more and more frustrated with how its government is handling the outbreak.

The New York Times: A Rare Online Revolt Emerges In China Over Death Of Coronavirus Whistle-Blower

— After a week of cases jumping by double-digit percentages, health officials still say it’s too early to declare that the virus has peaked.

The Wall Street Journal: World Health Authorities Warn Virus Hasn’t Peaked After China’s Deadliest Day

— Hundreds more Americans were evacuated from China and will be quarantined by the U.S. government. But the outrageous fact I learned this week is that those people (and their insurers) are on the hook for any medical costs that arise from being quarantined. For those who are deemed unable to afford health insurance, the government will pick up the tab but it might outsource some of those costs to programs like Medicaid when possible. The evacuees also have to pay for their flight out of China and the cost to get to their final destination when the quarantine is over.

CNN: What It Means To Be Under The Coronavirus Federal Quarantine In The US

— In what seems a bit like the start of a dystopian reality TV show, thousands of cruise passengers are being quarantined on two ships off the coast of Japan and Hong Kong. A third cruise has been turned away from multiple ports.

The Washington Post: Trapped On Coronavirus-Ravaged Cruise Ship, Diamond Princess Passengers Struggle To Keep Spirits Up

— This story is an interesting look at how the first case in the U.S. was discovered, and more broadly showcases local public health officials who are often the ones on the front lines of a new outbreak.

The New York Times: Inside The Race To Contain America’s First Coronavirus Case

— The majority of human diseases, including the coronavirus, are zoonotic, or passed from animals to humans. If you want a brief summary of some notable ones throughout history, check out this piece from WSJ that includes a shout-out to a 5,300 mummified man who, before he died from an arrow, suffered from Lyme disease.

The Wall Street Journal: Plagues From The Animal Kingdom

— Not to be all doom and gloom, it seems to be humans’ lot in life to constantly be at war with pathogens. That means even if we contain the coronavirus, there’s just another deadly pathogen waiting in the wings.

Bloomberg: Man Vs. Microbe: We’re Not Ready For The Next Global Virus Outbreak

Meanwhile, this year’s strain of the flu is hitting children particularly hard. More than half of the positive flu tests from public health labs this season have been in children and adults under the age of 25.

The Wall Street Journal: The Flu Is Hitting Children Especially Hard This Season

It might be hard to focus on anything but the results snafu at the Iowa caucuses, but advocates for disabled voters are also reporting back on how the efforts to expand access played out. The Iowa Democratic Party took strides this year to better help disabled voters participate, and for some the experience was positive. Others, however, said that reality looked a lot different than what the party’s messaging promised.

Stateline: Confusion Reigned In Iowa Caucus — Even Before The Chaotic Results

Stat: Amid Iowa Chaos, Some With Disabilities Got An Accessible Caucus Location

In theory, employers pay their workers less because part of their benefits package includes health insurance. But if the country moved toward a “Medicare for All” model, would workers see their wages increase dollar-by-dollar of what was being spent on coverage? Not necessarily.

The New York Times: Would Your Wages Rise Under ‘Medicare For All’?

Although the Trump administration’s roll-out of the “Healthy Adult Opportunity” program that would encourage states to shift toward a block-grant style of funding drew lots of attention, a little-noticed change that could lead to big cuts flew somewhat under the radar. Governors of both parties, however, are sounding the alarm that an arcane fiscal accountability rule could lead to cuts up to $49 billion a year.

The Associated Press: Trump Rule Could Lead To Big Medicaid Cuts, Governors Warn

As is often the case with bans, teenagers are already finding a way around the e-cigarette flavor restrictions that went into effect this week. The FDA only regulated reusable vaping products, but disposable pods (with flavors like pink lemonade) are widely available at gas stations and the like.

The Associated Press: FDA Crackdown On Vaping Flavors Has Blind Spot: Disposables

VA Secretary Robert Wilkie abruptly fired his undersecretary, James Byrne, this week in what he called a “simple business decision.” Wilkie was forced to defend the decision because Byrne was well-liked by the veterans community, and the loss was just the latest in a long string of turnovers at the top of the troubled agency. Some also questioned if the dismissal had anything to do with the investigation of sexual assault allegations by Navy veteran Andrea Goldstein.

The New York Times: Deputy Secretary Of Veterans Affairs Is Abruptly Dismissed

And in the miscellaneous file for the week:

— Following the recent deaths of 15 inmates, the Justice Department has opened a civil rights investigation into the Mississippi prison system, which seems to be in the grips of a violent crisis.

The New York Times: Justice Dept. Opens Civil Rights Investigation Into Mississippi Prisons

— Anonymous reporting systems that have been set up to help prevent school shootings have actually been helping combat the epidemic of suicides in teens. Schools and local officials are pouring billions of dollars into preventing the next mass attack, and yet self-harm and suicidal ideation are what students are reporting far more often than any kind of suspicious activity. Public health officials say this should be a wake-up call about the real threat to young people.

NBC News: School Tip Lines Were Meant To Stop Shootings, But Uncovered A Teen Suicide Crisis

— How do you raise kids to prepare them for the projected negative effects of climate change without causing more trauma, anxiety and depression in a generation that’s already struggling to cope with such mental health issues? It’s a fine line to walk, experts say.

The Washington Post: Eco-Anxiety Is Overwhelming Kids. Where’s The Line Between Education And Alarmism?

And that’s it from me! Have a great weekend.

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/must-reads-of-the-week-from-brianna-labuskes-33/

[stephenmccull]

Must-Reads Of The Week From Brianna Labuskes

The Friday Breeze

Newsletter editor Brianna Labuskes, who reads everything on health care to compile our daily Morning Briefing, offers the best and most provocative stories for the weekend.

Happy Friday! In news that is technically really good and exciting but is also kind of icky: yarn made from human skin could eventually be used to stitch up surgical wounds as a way to cut down on detrimental reactions from patients. As CNN reports, “The researchers say their ‘human textile,’ which they developed from skin cells, can be used for knitting, sewing and even crochet.” My face has been stuck in the scream emoji since I read this story, so please join me. (Also for those who think neat!, make sure to check out Philadelphia’s Mutter Museum, which has a journal bound with human skin and is actually very cool.)

Now on to what you may have missed this week.

It’s that time of year! President Donald Trump gave his State of the Union address to Congress, where he declared the nation’s future to be “blazing bright.” During his speech he promised to “never let socialism destroy American health care,” encouraged Congress to send him a bill on drug pricing (to which Democrats began chanting the name of the legislation the House has already passed), and touted his administration’s push for price transparency in health care.

He also said that Democrats were trying to provide health coverage for immigrants who are in the country illegally; called for a ban on abortions that are late in term; promised to always protect Medicare; said more than 7 million people have been shifted off food stamps during his term; and took credit for a drop in health insurance premiums. Various outlets fact checked these statements — which range from completely false to misleading to true — so I’ll link to a collection of them.

Fact Checking State Of The Union: Premiums, Pre-existing Conditions, Price Transparency, And More

The New York Times: Six Takeaways From Trump’s 2020 State Of The Union Speech

Stat: Dems Interrupted The State Of The Union To Chant For Their Drug Pricing Bill

The Friday Breeze

Want a roundup of the must-read stories this week chosen by KHN Newsletter Editor Brianna Labuskes? Sign up for The Friday Breeze today.

Sign Up

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  And now for the coronavirus roundup, where I sifted through hundreds of stories so you don’t have to. Before we dive in, just a reminder that there are still only 12 confirmed cases in the U.S.

— As coronavirus cases in China skyrocket past 30,000 (with 636 deaths), Chinese officials are now performing house-to-house searches in Wuhan, collecting the sick and warehousing them in quarantine centers. In the city, there’s a growing sense that the residents are being sacrificed for the good of the rest of the country. “There must be no deserters, or they will be nailed to the pillar of historical shame forever,” said Vice Premier Sun Chunlan.

The New York Times: China Tightens Wuhan Lockdown In ‘Wartime’ Battle With Coronavirus

— The death of one of the first Chinese doctors to warn about a coronavirus outbreak sent waves of grief and anger through a nation that’s growing more and more frustrated with how its government is handling the outbreak.

The New York Times: A Rare Online Revolt Emerges In China Over Death Of Coronavirus Whistle-Blower

— After a week of cases jumping by double-digit percentages, health officials still say it’s too early to declare that the virus has peaked.

The Wall Street Journal: World Health Authorities Warn Virus Hasn’t Peaked After China’s Deadliest Day

— Hundreds more Americans were evacuated from China and will be quarantined by the U.S. government. But the outrageous fact I learned this week is that those people (and their insurers) are on the hook for any medical costs that arise from being quarantined. For those who are deemed unable to afford health insurance, the government will pick up the tab but it might outsource some of those costs to programs like Medicaid when possible. The evacuees also have to pay for their flight out of China and the cost to get to their final destination when the quarantine is over.

CNN: What It Means To Be Under The Coronavirus Federal Quarantine In The US

— In what seems a bit like the start of a dystopian reality TV show, thousands of cruise passengers are being quarantined on two ships off the coast of Japan and Hong Kong. A third cruise has been turned away from multiple ports.

The Washington Post: Trapped On Coronavirus-Ravaged Cruise Ship, Diamond Princess Passengers Struggle To Keep Spirits Up

— This story is an interesting look at how the first case in the U.S. was discovered, and more broadly showcases local public health officials who are often the ones on the front lines of a new outbreak.

The New York Times: Inside The Race To Contain America’s First Coronavirus Case

— The majority of human diseases, including the coronavirus, are zoonotic, or passed from animals to humans. If you want a brief summary of some notable ones throughout history, check out this piece from WSJ that includes a shout-out to a 5,300 mummified man who, before he died from an arrow, suffered from Lyme disease.

The Wall Street Journal: Plagues From The Animal Kingdom

— Not to be all doom and gloom, it seems to be humans’ lot in life to constantly be at war with pathogens. That means even if we contain the coronavirus, there’s just another deadly pathogen waiting in the wings.

Bloomberg: Man Vs. Microbe: We’re Not Ready For The Next Global Virus Outbreak

Meanwhile, this year’s strain of the flu is hitting children particularly hard. More than half of the positive flu tests from public health labs this season have been in children and adults under the age of 25.

The Wall Street Journal: The Flu Is Hitting Children Especially Hard This Season

It might be hard to focus on anything but the results snafu at the Iowa caucuses, but advocates for disabled voters are also reporting back on how the efforts to expand access played out. The Iowa Democratic Party took strides this year to better help disabled voters participate, and for some the experience was positive. Others, however, said that reality looked a lot different than what the party’s messaging promised.

Stateline: Confusion Reigned In Iowa Caucus — Even Before The Chaotic Results

Stat: Amid Iowa Chaos, Some With Disabilities Got An Accessible Caucus Location

In theory, employers pay their workers less because part of their benefits package includes health insurance. But if the country moved toward a “Medicare for All” model, would workers see their wages increase dollar-by-dollar of what was being spent on coverage? Not necessarily.

The New York Times: Would Your Wages Rise Under ‘Medicare For All’?

Although the Trump administration’s roll-out of the “Healthy Adult Opportunity” program that would encourage states to shift toward a block-grant style of funding drew lots of attention, a little-noticed change that could lead to big cuts flew somewhat under the radar. Governors of both parties, however, are sounding the alarm that an arcane fiscal accountability rule could lead to cuts up to $49 billion a year.

The Associated Press: Trump Rule Could Lead To Big Medicaid Cuts, Governors Warn

As is often the case with bans, teenagers are already finding a way around the e-cigarette flavor restrictions that went into effect this week. The FDA only regulated reusable vaping products, but disposable pods (with flavors like pink lemonade) are widely available at gas stations and the like.

The Associated Press: FDA Crackdown On Vaping Flavors Has Blind Spot: Disposables

VA Secretary Robert Wilkie abruptly fired his undersecretary, James Byrne, this week in what he called a “simple business decision.” Wilkie was forced to defend the decision because Byrne was well-liked by the veterans community, and the loss was just the latest in a long string of turnovers at the top of the troubled agency. Some also questioned if the dismissal had anything to do with the investigation of sexual assault allegations by Navy veteran Andrea Goldstein.

The New York Times: Deputy Secretary Of Veterans Affairs Is Abruptly Dismissed

And in the miscellaneous file for the week:

— Following the recent deaths of 15 inmates, the Justice Department has opened a civil rights investigation into the Mississippi prison system, which seems to be in the grips of a violent crisis.

The New York Times: Justice Dept. Opens Civil Rights Investigation Into Mississippi Prisons

— Anonymous reporting systems that have been set up to help prevent school shootings have actually been helping combat the epidemic of suicides in teens. Schools and local officials are pouring billions of dollars into preventing the next mass attack, and yet self-harm and suicidal ideation are what students are reporting far more often than any kind of suspicious activity. Public health officials say this should be a wake-up call about the real threat to young people.

NBC News: School Tip Lines Were Meant To Stop Shootings, But Uncovered A Teen Suicide Crisis

— How do you raise kids to prepare them for the projected negative effects of climate change without causing more trauma, anxiety and depression in a generation that’s already struggling to cope with such mental health issues? It’s a fine line to walk, experts say.

The Washington Post: Eco-Anxiety Is Overwhelming Kids. Where’s The Line Between Education And Alarmism?

And that’s it from me! Have a great weekend.

Must-Reads Of The Week From Brianna Labuskes published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

[briellebouquet]

i’m sick and i don’t know what it means. what with. how to fix it. i guess i haven’t tried hard enough. going to doctors a bunch over the last year doesn’t make up for the fact that i ended up cutting off of meds cold turkey. and then ruining christmas.

trying first to explain to my younger brother B how hip hop isn’t actually dumb or bad. he used to love hip hop. it was confusing and difficult to understand. shortly after mental health came up. he used the word ‘pussification.’ i tried to explain that it isn’t something that can just be controlled. turned off, or gone around even. turns out he’s as stubborn as i am. pussification. i couldn’t even communicate the latent sexism. and the fact that i was trying to sort out my own, uh, pussification. in the sense of weighing the how-to, pros, and cons inherent in transitioning. that i had only within the preceding few months even solidly accepted that i was into guys, and would be pursuing what at the time would’ve been a gay relationship. it stung, hearing what felt like an assault on my emergent trans identity, sexuality, and mental health struggles all at once. but i held on tight.

i broke later. discussing something related to capitalism, wages if i recall initially though it branched out, with my aunt. then my brother A jumped into it. and my dad. and B again. and from the periphery my other aunt. me against the world. it was polite enough at first but ultimately, i ended up so buried trying to communicate disclaimers and softening my arguments so as not to offend anyone, that the people arguing against me would interrupt me before i’d even gotten to the point i was trying to make. the interruptions at a certain point got aggressive. i was passionate, but i didn’t get heated until right before i broke down. i got flustered and panicky and said “i need to stop” and hurried past everyone from the back corner of the room over to the stairs, then down into the basement. i sobbed and cried. my dad came down and apologized and cried too. he often does. it means alot that he cares enough to regret these things. but it doesn’t stop them from happening.

strung out on meds after being denied long term disability by insurance (Sun Life) on the grounds of it being a pre-existing condition. I was under a month (might have been just a week but i can’t remember for sure) from the ‘pre-existing condition’ clause no longer applying. i went off of work for having panic attacks and breakdowns. hyperventilating in the bathroom. crying on shift. picking beard hair out of my face to the point of it leaving patches and having to shave. they paid me short term disability, then denied me long term after leading me to believe it was just a matter of paperwork going through. which left me out of money and out of work. no money, no meds, i thought. i mean, while waiting for their decision, i had lost upwards of 30 pounds. unable to afford food. going a day or two at a time on an apple poached from the fruit dish upstairs. then caving and stealing eggs and making them while my dad and his wife were at work when i got so hungry i stopped being able to move. that was my life. i stayed on meds through a bunch of that, but when they turned off my income, i lashed out and immediately dumped by remaining meds, shortly before the christmas shitshow. a couple of weeks prior i think. if i didn’t have an income, i didn’t owe it to anyone to keep taking them. they weren’t working. and i wouldn’t even be able to afford a co-pay for renewal. might as well get withdrawal over with, i thought. i stopped going to therapy after the third appointment where she shrugged and told me change how i think about things. it wasn’t working. i wasn’t having success. and it got so awkward and uncomfortable trying to explain why the treatment wasn’t making sense to me, and having her respond the same way, that i couldn’t get over the threshold when the next appointment came. i canceled via email and made up an excuse and said i’d reach out again to reschedule if that was okay. knowing i never would.

losing my income, i sold both of my guitars, still a bit before christmas. got nickel-and-dimed pretty bad. got like $800 which i paid $400 to dad for rent, and the rest, i used for groceries and fast food dopamine chasing. i didn’t have much in my life. giving in and irresponsibly getting a sub for $8 honestly kept me going. especially after losing my guitars. i still love singing, and occasionally write bad poetry, but music was my capital O Outlet. i miss it so much. i miss having ideas and being able to fumble my way through the process of trying to pull it out of my head. i don’t know when i’ll be able to get a guitar again. in this time period, i continued losing weight and struggling to find food. especially once the guitar money ran out. it didn’t last terribly long. somewhere in january i went to social services and now i’m receiving a small monthly stipend that i usually burn through by the 15th or 20th. sometimes i burn it at bars. i go to bars to read. i can be at a bar and feel like i’m socializing even when i’m not. when i’m there alone. shallow pleasantries with a server. chatter all around me. it helped. coffee shops too, but most of them close early, and i stay up all night so i don’t have to be awake while my dad is home and active. coffee shops don’t work as well. but alcohol and pub food is extremely expensive when you’re dead broke. so, like i said, i run out by the 15th or 20th. between a few pub trips, coffee shop runs, fast food weakness, and groceries.

i went the long way around, but it’s been a few months on social security payments and weeks at a time being pinned in the bedroom with dad and his wife periodically expressing frustration with me for being here. it’s led to me trying to be invisible. but i also run out of money and ultimately poach food from the fridge. when there’s cans of pop i break down and take them sometimes. i hate myself for it. i try to replace them when i do have money, but then i drink those too. i get panicky to the extent that i haven’t been able to refill my water when they’re awake and home, let alone use the stove. even when i have food. even going to the bathroom i try to time out so i only have to leave the room when they’re in bed or not home. i know this is messed up. they’re not being directly cruel. it’s more passive aggressive. and apparent in how they speak to me, when we’re in situations where we speak. situations that are occurring less and less frequently as i back away, and they back away too. i can feel the frustration. sometimes dad lets comments slip i think by accident. it’s clear that i’m not welcome here. and i get it. i’d want my place to be my own place too. but it’s also been a terrifying experience for me, trying to cope with being unwanted. it’s been just about a year now, here. not for one second has it been good. it’s humiliating. i’m 33. i just want to live on my own and not starve. god i want to live on my own and not starve so bad. so that’s where i’m at.

i’ve been reading lately about autism. i’ve been diagnosed with cluster B BPD which shares symptoms with autism. and there are some autism indicators that i at least don’t think i share. but also lots of accounts from autistic people that i’ve experienced directly day to day. or have figured prominently in the leadup to gruesome lifequakes (i’ve had 4 or 5 at least.) so now i’m thinking, am i autistic? or have i created confirmation bias as i desperately search for a diagnosis that will lead to effective treatments? i had told my therapist and my psychiatrist and my parents and my MD that i think if i had a safe, private place to live, and enough money for food, that i could at least do a better job working on treatment recommendations. i think that would go a long way. maybe the BPD treatments and meds, thus far completely ineffective by any tangible noticeable measure, would work better if i weren’t breaking down at work, or freaking out about not making rent. the System couldn’t make that happen i guess. so now i’m living in an immensely unhealthy environment, eating poorly for 10-15 days every month, too afraid of people to even socialize let alone go jobhunting again, and trying to diagnose myself with something that will get me help. real help. i’m suicidal. i’m fucked up. i’m hoping i can get on EI disability soon, but even that only lasts for a few months so it’s a bandaid.

i have a doctor’s appointment re: HRT for transition and i’m going to cut my food budget so i can buy makeup and a wig in the meantime. femme clothes will have to wait unfortunately. i’m fighting back suicidal ideation by imagining my future as a woman, planning to volunteer at Pride (god i hope i can make a friend or two, being alone hurts so much i can’t stop crying about it) and hoping that i can get a referral to a new psychiatrist soon. One that’s trans friendly. i had a rough experience with the last one when i came out to him. a new therapist too probably. i can’t see myself getting over the discomfort and trying to get back in to see my old one. my visits with her were limited by the province anyhow - her job isn’t to have permanent patients.

if i can get EI disability, move out into my own place without a roommate - a bachelor suite that’s safe and comfortable would be enough, - buy some thrift store femme clothes, start learning makeup, and get on HRT + a referral to a good psychiatrist and therapist... if i can have some of those things work out, even. maybe it’ll start getting better. maybe i’ll be able to look in the mirror again. maybe i’ll be comfortable going out in public. maybe i’ll make a friend or two through volunteer work. maybe this year, i’ll be able to at least conceive of a way to buy a decent electric guitar. but i mean, all of this stuff, even making and keeping friends, requires money. and i’d very sincerely rather die than get the customer service work i’m ‘qualified’ for right now. i’ve been to the ER after screaming about suicide and bawling at work twice in the last couple years. i can’t honestly say i’d go to the hospital again if things got that intense. stabilize first, then work.

i guess all of this depends on whether or not the canadian safety net is strong enough to keep me afloat. applying for EI has taken forever and will only last i think 4 months. the government absorbed my tax refund into my outstanding student loan debt. social security doesn’t pay enough to cover rent literally anywhere. housing assistance may or may not approve me - i can’t even apply usefully until i have EI income, since housing assistance does not = free rent and i sure as hell don’t have a damage deposit saved up.

things don’t look good. i don’t know what i’m sick with. i have no money. and i’m living in hell. this isn’t coherent or well written, i know. it serves no functional purpose. but it feels better to dump it on the internet than it did to scrawl it in my diary in apoplectic fits as it was all happening. maybe some day i’ll try to tell a real story. to tell a story, usefully. to some end other than weakly grasping at small measures of catharsis. i hope some day i can. for now, it’s enough to scream “i’m hurting” and walk away. so now i’m gonna go outside into the violent wind, and walk away.

goodnight. if you read, or even skimmed this, thanks. it’s bad and heavy, i know. so thanks. goodnight :)

[invisiblenotbroken]

Gas Lighting: Searching For Chronic Illness Diagnosis in American Healthcare System (Its' funnier than it sounds and just as frustrating)

Did I get lucky! I got to make a new friend. I hope you enjoy listening to Jen. She is an amazing poet and at the end of the interview you can hear two very powerful poems. She is hilarious and strong. She has been dealing with being sick and frail even though she has made massive changes (loosing 100lbs) and has just started in on her 40's. We talk about parenting with a chronic illness, the American healthcare system (buckle up its' about to get political), the importance of art when you can't get out of bed, and how important friendships are especially when you are dealing with chronic invisible illness. 

Ms. T's Answers {More Bad Ass Than Mr. T}

Jen Toal (with her amazing poetry she did not Age 40

Conditions

PTSD, Chronic Pain, Extensive nerve injury  nerve injuries in both arms, Not Quite Fibromyalgia (is that a thing?), planters fasciitis, Anxiety/Depression

(...Hang on, maybe Ehlers-Danlos?? Amazing the things you can learn doing podcast interviews...) After watching Jen through the interview I was impressed at all of the crazy shapes she was making while stretching. She also has the swan deformity and so many other symptoms of the disorder I have.

I can remember school officials started stepping in around middle school to try to help Mom and I address my symptoms. They couldn't find much obviously wrong with me, except for some scoliosis. In high school I was given special locker accommodations each year to try to help reduce the load on my body and as an eighteen year old, our family doctor explained to me that I was experiencing the same daily pain as most eighty year olds. This was before the injuries of my twenties and thirties.

I didn't get far working with that doc because growing up means losing access to health care in our country. 

 In my early twenties I was working in tech support and saving for further college when all the nerves on both my arms were blown out by repetitive stress from typing. I spent the next several years in surgery and disabled. I got LOTS of doctor attention, but only on the subject of my work injuries. They were there to repair me from what they had done, not heal me overall. 

 The worst part of those years was being unable to draw. 

 In my thirties I found reasons to stop giving up on my life, most notably my husband, John, and our sweet child. John and I changed so many of our daily habits that together we lost three hundred pounds. 

https://www.facebook.com/shapeshifterconfessions/

 Losing 45% of my pre pregnancy body weight has done amazing things for my health, but it's not the miracle cure it *looks* like from the outside. For one thing, jumping up out of my sick bed to chase my snugly little kettle bell around gave me a wicked case of Plantar Fasiitis. It's a remarkably painful addition to my dappling of symptoms, but was acceptable collateral damage to me.

 1. Who were you before your illness became debilitating?

A child. 

 2. Is there anything you would do if you were not sick? 

There are so many things. I would have so much more of a career. I would travel. I would go out in the evenings and be around people. I would make so much more art. 

 3. What should other people know about our daily life?

That it's super easy for them to forget, but it's always there, reminding me. That it's exhausting to manage pain.

 4. What would make living and moving in the world easier for you?

Single Payer Healthcare and Universal Basic Income. 

 In my twenties I spent a lot of time with people who liked to play, "What if we won the lottery??" My answers always began with access to doctors and therapists.

 5. Life hacks?

Tennis balls are my latest favorite backpack staple. I sit and lean on them for point massage. They are especially magical for car trips, which have always been rugged for me.

My backpack itself is my favorite tool, but like many medications that come with side effects, the magic bag does sometimes get ridiculously heavy.

 6. Support from family or friends?

I married really well. My husband is marvelously supportive and encouraging. My mother would help more if she were closer. 

Friend community cares from afar, but we are all spread so perilously thin...

I saw this art show with a display that said, "We are living in an era that is testing the limits of everyone's compassion." I worry about all of us. Times are tough, and getting tougher, and I don't feel like my communities have the space to hold me up. Not because they don't care, but because they're fighting so hard to keep themselves going.

 7. Do you find that people do not believe you are sick because of your appearance? How has this affected you positive or negative?

Yes. All the time. It's horrible. I spend a bunch of time disappointing the humans around me because I look so healthy, especially after my weight loss, but I am still frustratingly limited.

 8. How has this affected your relationships?

It torpedoes them sometimes. On the other hand, it can allow for deep bonding when we understand each other.

 9. What are you afraid to tell even the people closest to you?

How bad the pain is. How pervasive it is. How scared I am of the future.

 10. Does the fact that your disease is invisible change how healthcare professionals treat you?

Yes. They often disbelieve me. I've been accused of being drug seeking. Which is pretty funny, given how much time John spends trying to convince me to take something.

 11. Best coping mechanism?

Diffuse awareness. Forgetting. Drawing.

 12. Favorite swear word?

John says if hell counts, it's hell. Lol

I have a hard time picking. Shit, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, godsdammit.

 13. What are you the most fearful of and what are you the most hopeful for in the future?

I'm terrified that I'll be unable to support my family in the ways they need me. I'm hopeful about the ways I have learned over the years that people make their livings with skills I totally retain access to, even as my spacesuit gets quietly wonkier...

Cardboard Decades

 when i say ricky was my best friend, what i mean is 

he was my first consensual sexual partner

i turned 5 while mom and i lived in his mother's house

he was 6

 i once pulled his little brother, fallen-comrade-style, 

across train tracks in the very nick

wouldn't know for decades how scared i should've been

 they taught me prank calling and ladybug sailing 

how to be kind to the kind doberman 

and keep my dolls far away from the angry one

 ricky and i were softness and exploration 

in an already cruel and confusing world

  i remember being 8 or so 

sun-drenched in the back of my grandmother's very nice car

i wouldn’t know for decades about love languages 

but i knew in california i was given things, but few hugs

and in texas, hugs, but few things

 i preferred hugs

 but it was well known that "daddy warbucks" 

and family had more money than made any sense

and they didn't get as much time to be affectionate

so it made sense

that they'd want me to have touchstones of affection

when i went back to my mother's wars

 how could they know?

 mom would send them letters, 

as she says, "full of things we never did. 

places we were never going to be."

 it wasn't just that we couldn't get above the poverty line

 i wouldn’t know for decades the term “human trafficking” 

 my poor mother.

 i also hadn't learned the different ways a car can sit 

that day i was walking home

with ricky

mom pulled over

countenance confusing

told me only i could get in

drove away

before telling me we'd never go back

 i would never say goodbye

 i wouldn’t know for decades

that the reason no one understands 

what i mean when i say 

we “moved a lot” when i was a kid 

is because i don't understand 

what i should be saying 

is we were homeless 

for more of my childhood

than i had realized.

 only way to explain 

we have to move whenever someone gets mad

 or

 my doll protects me from the mean girl

i share a bed with 

 or

 we take my most evil stepdad back

eleven times

 he's charming

and when he's around churches don't have to bring us things

 or

 the motels. national parks. so many places 

i stop calling where i sleep anything other than "the house"

know if i learn the path from house to grocery, it’s probably time to go

 try out different versions of my name in different schools

  sometimes compassion is a shovel to the gut

often my mother wakes up screaming

 i’ll never know how many trains she pulled us from the teeth of.

 only reluctantly came to see the damage of 

rootlessness on a childhood

 perpetual motion was our only way of survival. 

 i ran into ricky a couple years later

awkward amongst other kids

eons away from the life we had shared

 i’ve been trying to shift my relationship with cardboard

dismantling all my boxes

learning to build some belief

 i might just get to stay

 advice i am giving myself

upon meeting new soul mates

 stand solidly 

if you are able

hold your form fluid 

brace for beauty

 and the way it always 

knocks you over

 notice press of globe

up through soles

 marvel at the moments experience

and universal 

shake hands

 trade knees

 compare the roads you have run

the trees you jumped out of

the places your jeans have worn through

 skip right past groins and sex

this isn't that poem

 and connection

can be better

for being less obvious

 instead

press your belly buttons together

a meeting of absences

 shared space to frame things

 frame things

redo this if it

feels more truthful

  consider the strengths of your mat

let the space placed around

your best work

have its own things to say

 say things

out loud

 experience is meant to be shared

 and no one needs your 

perspective

more than a soul mate

 trade scars stories 

(tattoos totally count)

 tell each other tales of the ways 

the world hasn't ended

even if it left a mark

 breathe

 feel belly press belly

laugh

 you've been sucking down discord

all day

 like too little sleep

too much wireless

and a fundamental disconnect

from how our species evolved

to thrive

 agree to thrive anyway

 slice out space for each other

in the places you

forget to feel shame 

 allow yourself

and each other

forgiveness

  for everything you’ve ever believed was wrong with you.

 there’s never been anything wrong with you.

except not knowing there was nothing wrong with you.

 forgive yourself 

for lying to yourself

in order to stay small

 it’s okay to not be everything

 we are all of us everything together

and we forget we don’t have to 

do it alone

 give up the notion 

you may somehow 

be on the same page

 you’ve only just collided 

from across the cosmos

 the particular constellation 

of harmonic convergences 

your empty spaces 

express

as you pass through each other

 are not the same

as being the same

 we are stronger for our differences

 befuddling though they be

 decide this is the game

and that you are always winning.

 because you are.