#just can't hold my attention
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#cats#outing myself once again as someone whos not attune whatsoever to human culture but - in all honesty I do not know#what 'psspsspss' means despite loving cats my entire life hghj.. I've just seen people online describe that as how you call a cat#but I have never in my life witnessed someone call a cat by making that noise or made that noise myself. I can't even think of an example o#it so I genuinely don't even know what that's supposed to be but. Included because I've seen it so much it must be something to someone#even when I was a kid I pretty much always just meowed to cats and tried to sound exactly like them or whatever meow I associated with them#obviously not literally saying “ME OW” but doing an actual cat meow. often times a kind of 'prrrow' sort of noise where you trill your tong#ue then lead into a softer vocal tone .. maybe like 'mrrrrauh' or something? Or sometimes just a trilling chirp immitating the#cat's ''mrrrrp'' they do sometimes. I used to mimic small kittens to get the attention of cats#with their like very high pitches squeky whine with a little bit of air out the nostrils at the end to imitate the sound of them having#tiny lungs that don't hold much air so with a long loud 'mew' it's sometimes a little strained near the end#Though usually I just imitate the cat that I'm around at the time. Sometimes I have done kind of a combination kissy lip sort of noise#tongue clicking. almost like tapping on the back of your front teeth with your tongue and sucking in. almost makes kind of a squirrel noise#ANYWAY... curiouse....
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do you think it counts as a toxic lesbian situationship if you didn't realize you were a girl yet?
#the person it was with identified as a lesbian at the time#my best friend of several years#who 'liked me back' and would be physically affectionate with me#not just affectionate but like. very intimate#they'd sit in my lap with their arms around my neck#they invited me camping. when we went swimming they had me hold them while they wrapped their legs around me#we held hands as we fell asleep in that tent every night#we were inseparable. texting every night. sitting next to each other at every opportunity. shit like that#but they didn't want to date because they 'felt too connected to their label'#which could have been the end of it#but a couple months later they were asking me for advice on how to get the attention of some Guy they had just met#it hurt so fucking bad dude.. then it was even worse when they brought their Boyfriend to my mom's funeral a few years later#**y if my some fucking chance you're seeing this. no you don't#and I'm sorry i can't let you go. i really loved you. a whole lot. and you really hurt me. a whole lot#and thinking back on it i deserved to be treated better. but i was so stuck to the idea that maybe you'd change your mind#and you did. just not about me
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Six Ears, and being left.
#mhw09 personal#gif warning#*screaming into knees*#can I draw your attention to his HAND PLEASE#I didn't realize that was going to be a *thing*#that little WAVE#I paid subzero attention to the closing and it was because I was subconsciously protecting my heart apparently#listen to me listen#it's about 'and a double-edged sword cuts your heart in two'#torn between Stone Monkey and *gestures to everything else in his life* *like literally everything*#it's about Stone Monkey going where Six Ears can't follow#and where the line is between staying behind and being left behind#and so he's stuck in place. watching him leave. weights around his ankles.#whether those be his duty to his troop or the demons in his head#always holding back. always in-between. always feeling like he's going to lose *something*.#six ears and that fear that's inside him#I've only seen 11 episodes and have just One Major Spoiler in my pocket am I barking up the wrong tree? MAYBE#but here we are anyway#also Jade Rabbit looking at him in concern from the background! this missing scene is gold. too bad it's on eternal mute.
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Aforementioned Flipnote
https COLON SLASH SLASH files DOT catbox DOT moe SLASH x7rw64 DOT jpeg
Sorry for weird link, I’m anonymous and shy rn lol
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???
black DSi
#im not joking i was fucking decrypting the link and not really paying attention. i press enter and it does the fucking.#slow internet line by line loading. im holding my breath as it slowly gets down to the bottom screen#and its just!!!!!!! some fuckin pixels!!!!!!!!!#you can't do this to me#im actfually tearing up what the fuck man#asks#black DSi#DSi post
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((If anyone ever wants to write with a scruffy, kind of (unintentionally) goofy, sweet but still totally animalistic, former prisoner, werewolf-esque, character (complete with wolf tail) who has read a bunch of self-help books and who is super committed once he falls in love, and who also just so happens to be from a post-grand-fairytales fairytale realm full of magic and chaos and all that good stuff... just, ya know, let me know <3))
#ooc.#about:Wolf#((He's still my favorite and I love him so much <3 I've rewatched this series at least once a year since it came out.#And if you want to watch a miniseries that deals with mental health issues and the relationships between mothers and daughters#and fathers and daughters; a mini series that offers silliness but also a lot heart and also a surprising amount of insight;#a series that deals with trauma and PTSD and abandonment issues in a way that's approachable and relatable but also so heavy hitting#that it makes you want to cry just a few minutes after you were laughing at something else#and also which handles it through the lens of familiar fairytales / fairytale tropes and (as such) reminds us of some of the actual morals#in these fairytales and also the lessons we can learn from them WITHOUT just retelling the stories we're all at least somewhat familiar wit#(because the parts of it that take place in this fairytale world take place AFTER the grand period of these fairytales and we're now seeing#the aftermath of them all and the cyclical nature that exists in history / the human experience even inside of a world of fairytale logic)#then this is TOTALLY the show for you. Seriously I can't say enough good things about it.#AND IT'S ALL ON YOUTUBE WITHOUT ADS! SO EASILY ACCESSIBLE!!!!#It's about a girl and her father in NYC who (through some shenanigans involving a dog who is actually a prince trapped in the BODY of a dog#end up in the realm of the 9 kingdoms where all the fairytales are true- or they WERE at one point. Now things are a bit... different.#They have to try to find their way back home from here and there's a ton of life lessons along the way#and a lot of self discovery and a TON of silly antics. And it's a bit dated in parts for sure but not really overly so. It still holds up#really well. ANYWAY- I just think it's the best and it deserves all the love and attention <3#And now that the podcast interview my friend did with Simon Moore (the creator) has come out I can FINALLY say-#THERE'S A SECOND BOOK COMING SOMETIME SOON! SO ALL THE MORE REASON TO GIVE IT A WATCH!))#((ANYWAY- I'm very passionate about my love for this show and in total it's only about 7 hours so it's a fairly quick watch all things#considered. And I know it's not gonna be everyone's cup of tea but my GOD is it so hard hitting and satisfying especially at the end <3))#((I'LL SHUT UP NOW))
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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I know it's irrational but still!
#this is legit the only thing holding me back from getting a Spider-Punk tattoo#and while I don't think it's gonna happen a part of me still worries!#he was written so well in atsv but it wouldn't be the first time a character got screwed over by the writers/directors#or the entire story (yes GoT I'm looking at you)#I've even seen some theories that Hobie is gonna be a twist villain and while I think that's ridiculously stupid and super unlikely#I still have a small fear that they're gonna do something to mess his character up especially if they're in a rush to finish btsv#but the writers seem really competent but if the higher ups tell them to do something they can't really do anything about it right?#so if they thought Hobie got too much love and attention from the fans in atsv#they might have him do something out of character in btsv to make people like him less?#this is just me rambling don't take it too seriously#hobie brown#spider punk#across the spider verse#atsv#spiderverse#my post
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Happy Easter, guys! And April Fools!
Here's a doodle of Pretender hearing the rumors of the "Easter Bunny" and hiding eggs around the house for K. (He's a hare, and also K doesn't like the Eggs. They tried tho 🙏)
Oh, and Kale is from @oodlesndoodles !
#utmv sans#utmv art#my art#spot!drawn#doppletale#utmv au#pretender!sans#pretender#don't pay attention to the bottom left#there's nothing to see#I kinda just drew this rq to show Pretender's shape-shifting ability#it's not his natural shape so he can't hold it too long but he's way better at Monsters than Humans lol#kale#kale estrella
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hey has anyone ever considered doing shinjiro smut for after the fade to black but he lays you across his lap, like has anyone ever considered the canon praise kink with him more—shinjiro who scolds you, calls you trouble and tells you to stay close to him like a "good girl", shinjiro who acts tough, pretends to be fed up with you pushing him around (he loves it, but that doesn't mean you're not gonna hear about it), ignoring what he wants, so two can play that game, and you think, god, he's not holding back anymore, he's going to kiss me, finally, we're going to— but no, he settles on his bed and pats his lap and tells you that you need to "take responsibility" for teasing him like that, messing with his feelings �� "be a good girl." remember, you started this.
#shinjiro aragaki#suggestive#i also like the idea of asking him to do something and he outright scoffs like fully has an attitude about it#tries to remind you what he said about ignoring his needs and asks you what makes you think he's gonna pay attention to yours#you think you get to ask him anything? that's cute#i love playing into that though like i know everyone is all in on the 'i ain't holding back anymore bit' but sorry#man says 'you think you can just push me around? ignore what i want? yeah. well. two can play that game' in that VOICE too? whew boy#like i think he should get to do that a little bit i think he should put me over his lap until i behave#fuck i think it should be more than that though like imagine him lifting you and just. like. tossing you onto the bed.#trying to sass him about the noise and he's like 'you think i give a shit about those guys when i got you right here?' like#i want him to take the wind out of me ya feel i want to talk shit get bit#hit a little too but like open handed#or maybe he tosses you on the bed and you're like 'oh shit oh shit' and then he sits at the foot of it and fucking#PULLS you onto his lap and rucks up your skirt just like that and there are a few moments - a hitched breath#'under negotiated kink' i don't CAREEE that's part of the fantasy like how hot would it be to just have someone tick those boxes untold#either way whether he gets wild or not (preferably yes but maybe needs time to warm up)#it's like. god. he should get to y'know. like (some of) my autonomy being taken from me without him ever overstepping is hot. hot. hot.#he should bend me over his lap and make me keep count while he very tenderly very lovingly mocks me#condescending about the great leader letting herself be treated like this and enjoying it literally makes you turn around#and finally finally touches you properly but he fucking laughs and you're red-faced and he goes 'isn't that embarrassing' and ramps up#so you can't even answer him#god should i try to write this#i think i'm too much of a perfectionist to do this sometimes because i'll stew and never get it done ugh#anyway.#filth#pure filth#thank you#i think we outdid that suggestive tag#smut#(for safety)
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Pivotal bright spot (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#The Captain#Hhhhhh <3#I am once again ''Who am I without you'' - ZEX relies on Zelnick to affirm who he himself is! His Captain is a huge comfort!#It's the codependency for me <3#The way Zelnick comforts him is so sweet ;; He can be quite attentive! When he chooses to be hehe#He's hesitant and concerned but overcomes it to give ZEX what he needs in the moment ahh he's deserving of being a leader ♥#Like covering his eye for him - and repeating back his greeting! ;;;; How many times has ZEX introduced himself that now it's repeated back#How many times has he said those exact words so confidently that Zelnick can repeat it back to him#So confident in his identity until it's all brought into question - too many pieces that align Just So to know one way or anything!#How would his human love know so many details - but such specific details are concerning as well! What's real and what's not!#What's experienced and what's mentally real - or false! There's so many tricky mental traps set agh it's so good <3#It's so interesting how their character flaws interact with their self-assuredness hehe <3 Zelnick is brash and bold!#ZEX is careful and prideful - so which takes a harder hit in matters of the mind? ZEX is at a disadvantage in Max's body of course#Hghh there's so much about this scene that's so good tho ah#ZEX's worries of his own level of self-delusion bleeding out into accidentally telling lies - he's quite honest! Mostly ♪#But here it's all just deep concern - not of Trying to manipulate but being so far gone that he can't Help but do so! Being out of control!#Of course that would be very scary for him :( And of lying to himself? The kind of thing that's wholly repulsive to him </3#Ughhh this scene breaks my heart because they really love each other and ZEX wants him and needs him but I know what will happen ;;#At least they're able to give each other a bit of comfort in the moment - whether it's true or not (it is true haha) the contrast helps#Even in Max's body and even unsure of himself getting to hold his human - this human - feels real and right <3#He's still worried afterwards of course - takes something convincing to pull him out of it! - and Zelnick continues to comfort him <3#I love palm kisses as well ugh they're so sweet ;; <3 What a lovely way to show his solidarity! Hehe ♥
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Sigh i hate being on yt
#vent#I said i was gonna make a 4k sub special. But quite frankly i get get myself to work on it#Im not fixated on sprunki as much. I still like it but my motivation is gone#My adhd has been rlly bad recently and im bouncing around like crazy#I never expected to get 4 thousand ppl to follow me. That's so many ppl#I missed when ppl didn't expect so much from me. I missed when ppl were ok with me only making an animation like. Once every 3 weeks at most#Missed when i didn't have so many eyes on me. This is so stressful#'dw im still working on the 4k subscriber special!' a fucking lie#Cuz i don't want ppl to hates me. I don't want to loose fans. And im pretty sure nobody cares ant sprunki anymore so i don't think its gonna#Get any attention anyways#Holds my head#I hate yt i hate what it's done to me. I wish i could go back in time and stop myself from uploading that stupid twiddlefinger animation#I HATE IT HERE IM SO TIRED. I.M LITERALLY JUST SOME GUY WHO LIKES TO ANIMATE. IM NOT UR ENTERTAINER#How do ppl deal with this. I hate it. I hate it i hate it i hate it. I would delete my channel if i didn't have a petrifying fear of#Having something of mine being lost media#I love all those who truly love my work. But those who expect me to upload stuff that they only like forever and ever is less than the#Number of genuine fans. I can't keep doing this. I might need a break again. Im spiraling again#Im sorry. Im so tired. I rlly am. I missed whenever i only had 600 subs.#Sigh. Ok im done#text#text post
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I can't begin to tell you how many times this week I've been thinking about Doctor Who... My brain hasn't been hijacked by fandom stuff for so long, I low-key feel more alive but I also can't focus on any other shit 😭
#dw#like when I have my attention on stuff at work and all it's good#but the second my brain wanders#it's all fucking doctor who#and the worst best part#is that 80% of this is just#rose fucking tyler#my woman wasn't even here#but she holds such a power on me#that when i think about the show#i think as much of her as i think of the doctor#i just can't dissociate them 😭😭😭#the other 20% are just my brain randomly going 'donna donna donna donna'#try to focus with that#rtd has permanently damaged my brain y'all 😭😭😭😭#(wish i had time to make gifsets but also i need to concentrate on one idea first)
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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(therapy stuff so if you're uncomfortable, you don't have to read!)
me: *talking about my anxiety, did, hyperfixations and other stuff* but WHY did i learn to do this. why did my brain learn to do this. why did it come up with this whole. idk. survival guide
my therapist: because it was the only thing that could help you survive back then
me:
#like. like. like yeah she's right but also.#sometimes i just think about my childhood and go man. why the hell did this happen to someone who was so young#and also it really hurts that i can't open up to my family about it bc. they don't really take this stuff seriously#“oh your memories make you sad? well just forget about them!” *holding my three (and possibly more) alters* BOY DO I HAVE N E W S FOR YOU#“wdym you suffer from a lack of attention you're literally the most spoiled person ever”#you know there are different types of attention right.#and like. they accepted my did but they're also kinda. idk like they make jokes about it and it's kinda. hhhhh#[ 💚 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐬 ]
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*Exhale*
Alright, I've been teasing it long enough. Anyone that's been paying attention has probably figured out what my oh-so secret project has been (not that it's going to stop me from vague-posting about it), and he really is close to being finished.
Face-up. Done. (Though I would like to touch-up where the paint has chipped)
Clothes. Painted.
Wig. Styled.
I literally just need to put the fringe on his scarf, but for whatever reason, I've just been hit with this wave of fatigue since about the time I wrote the last confessions post (frankly, if you ever see me writing/posting long-ass posts, it's because I've lost the energy to use my hands to make things).
I guess I just burned myself out from making both him and Kun3h0 at the same time, that when Kun3h0 got finished, my whole body shut down having felt relief from "completing" the project. To be fair, this has been going on since at least mid-Janurary, so I am more than ready to close the book on this one.
I'll try to finish him within the month, but there are also a lot of other things going on with me ATM, so I wouldn't hold me to it.
#i'm thinking that part of it is that he honestly turned out *worse* than kun3h0#so i may be subconsciously trying to avoid having to post him#the plan was that he was supposed to be the first one finished#because his construction is a lot simpler#i didn't need to sew any clothes for him aside from the scarf fringe which is holding me up#so the idea was that I would take what I learned from making him to apply to kun3h0#but the way things worked out i wound up working on them simultaneously#which split my attention so i made a lot of mistakes on him#and since he's an already established character it's easier to notice the design errors#whereas kun3h0 (despite more or less completing her pngtuber model) still occupies a vague space in my brain#so it's not a big deal if I don't add every white stripe to kun3h0's outfit or if her eye is a little wider than it is tall#but it does bug me when I can't get his face to look exactly as it does in-game#frankly. he's too *cute* right now#i have never considered him (in his original appearance) to be 'cute'#i don't even think he's particularly handsome. he just hits a lot of my bias points#but the base doll was designed to be *very* handsome and i can't do much about that without making it a total mess#i just don't feel like i've captured his 'essence' as well as i captured kun3h0's#but i'd rather he be inaccurate than ruin it entirely trying to do something beyond my means
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i got welt as my first five star in hsr is he any good?
#my account is only at like. level 6 dkfjdkfjkd#and i can't be bothered to actually look up guides about the game#i tried to the other day but it just wasn't holding my attention#so i guess i'll just wing it for now
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