#just because I'm a lonely soul with no one to discuss it with

[changbunnies]

Moonstruck (18+)

♡ Pairing: Changbin x Ghost Fem!Reader

♡ Genre: very loosely inspired by corpse bride, horror in a goofy + silly + fluffy sort of way, ghost / human relationship, love at first sight vibes, smut, takes place vaguely during a time where ppl still use landlines more predominantly than cellphones

♡ Word Count: 6.5k

♡ Summary: Changbin is a scaredy cat– and despite that, he likes to read to the deceased in the cemetery, likes to help the souls that may linger there feel less lonely, likes to let them know they aren’t forgotten. His poems of choice are sweet things, full of love and joy– and his utterances of true love stir you; a soul who died before knowing love, and who craves it even in death. And Changbin decides, then and there, that he wants to give you what you couldn’t have in life.

♡ Warnings: discussions about death ofc (reader is quite literally dead and a ghost lol), i thought making reader the ghost instead of bin would be a fun lil twist as that usually isn't the case in fics like these? just wanted to try somethin a lil different :')

♡ Smut Warnings: sweet + tender smut because i'm a yearner for bin first and foremost!, no intended dom/sub dynamics but i did write a lot of bin begging so :), pet names (baby, honey), exhibitionism, voyeurism, some nipple play, mutual masturbation while cuddling

♡ Notes: my kinktober opened up dark but we are returning to standard form with my precious sweet binnie!! i did originally have something dark planned for bin too but i scrapped it pretty early on cause it didn't feel right lol i couldn't do it!! also the poem binnie is reading at the beginning of the fic is "since feeling is first" by e.e. cummings!

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

Changbin curses the autumn sun for setting so early– why on earth is it already so dark at 6 o’clock?!

The full moon hangs over him, and gosh, he wishes he could've gotten here earlier in the day– maybe then he wouldn’t still be here, in the local cemetery at night, with nothing but his poem book in hand.

He wishes even more that he at least had a flashlight– but the batteries were drained in the one he has sitting in his car's glove box, and it's not like he can leave spares in there; that's dangerous! So all he can do now is keep turning in the moonlight, trying to get it to hit the page of his book just right so he can keep reading. 

Perhaps the reason he's here is silly, but Changbin fully believes in ghosts. Well, to be more precise, he thinks that there are many souls in the world, and that not every soul is here physically. 

Most souls, he thinks, depart for a better place when their flesh dies, but he also thinks there are many that don’t– many that stick around because there is something they still wish to do, or because they have someone they still wish to see. 

That’s what always brings him here when he can spare a moment from his busy life. Because he believes that if spirits do still linger in this world like he thinks they do, if they haven’t yet found peace and moved on, they must be lonely. 

It must be sad– to exist in the world you once knew, but be unable to interact with it the way you used to. For others to no longer be able to see you, touch you, or hear you.. He doesn’t want anyone, alive or otherwise, to feel forgotten or ignored. And if he can make a difference somehow, in whatever small and silly way it is, he’ll do it; because he’d want someone to do it for him. 

Naturally, he didn’t intend to still be here at night; he just got caught up at work, and arrived here later than he typically would. But still, he didn’t want to just turn around and go home– he promised last week that he’d come back today to read! 

And maybe ghosts, or spirits, or whatever you want to call them aren’t real; maybe he spends his time here reading to nothing and no one. But if there’s even a chance that someone can hear him, and who looks forward to the days he returns to keep them company, then he has to keep his promises. 

Still, he’d be lying if he said he isn’t more than a little freaked out right now. He’s been here during the day plenty of times, and you’d think that’d mean he wouldn’t be scared of the place at night, but oh, you’d be so sorely mistaken. 

He jumps every time the crisp, freshly fallen autumn leaves rustle from the wind, and from every shadow cast from the newly bare tree branches. He constantly glances over his shoulder, alerted from every small noise, whether it be an owl hooting or a cricket chirping.

And when a black cat appeared out of nowhere to bump against his leg, he let out the shrillest shriek before erupting into a fit of sneezes. He even jumped out of his skin from accidentally kicking a can while walking– and why is there litter in a cemetery anyways? Whoever left their trash here is so disrespectful! 

Suffice it to say, Changbin really wants to get out of here– but there’s only one more batch of graves he hasn’t read over yet, and he doesn’t want to skip them over. It wouldn’t feel fair to them, especially not if they're waiting for him– the last thing he wants to do is disappoint someone.

“H-Hi everyone! Changbinnie’s back to read again, uhm– s-sorry I came so late, I’ll still read to you like I promised! J-Just give me a sec,” he says, trying to temper the fear in his voice as he continues to adjust the position of his book in the moonlight. Finally, he finds the perfect position for the moon to make the words in his book clear, and for the shadow he himself casts to not obscure them.

He takes one more tentative glance around, takes a breath to settle his nerves before he clears his throat to start. And thankfully, the fear does naturally start to dissipate a bit as he reads– serves as a good enough distraction from his eerie surroundings. "Since feeling is first, who pays any attention to the syntax of things, will never wholly kiss you. Wholly to be a fool while–"

Changbin pauses when he hears an unfamiliar sound, goosebumps erupting all along his skin as he looks up from his book. It was a soft, light and airy sound– almost like a voice, though he’s certain it couldn’t have been; because when he looks around, he doesn't see anyone. He’s as alone as he’s been from the start; so he assumes he's just psyching himself out, mistaking the steadily blowing wind for something it isn’t. 

"Aish, it's nothing! Stop scaring yourself!" he whispers to himself before he continues to recite the words on the page. But he pauses yet again when he hears fallen leaves crinkle and a brittle tree branch snap just feet away from him. It spooks him good, it does– and he lets out an awkward laugh at himself when he realizes it was the black cat he saw earlier that made the sound; hopefully it keeps enough distance that he doesn't get the sneezes again.

Looking away from the cat that is currently working overtime to fray his nerves, he turns his attention back to his book. There's only a tiny bit of the poem left to go, and Changbin is confident he can get through it! No more being a scaredy cat over the little things, no more trembling breaths and anxious stutters– he can do this!

"The best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids' flutter, which says we are for each other; then laugh, leaning back in my arms. For life's not a paragraph, and death, I think, is no parenthesis."

With a sigh of relief to be finished, he closes his book and prepares to bid the inhabitants of the cemetery, that may or may not actually exist, a pleasant goodbye; and a swear that he's never staying past sundown again. He’ll stay longer next time, he promises, but he has to go home before he loses his mind. 

He really hopes they do exist– he doesn't want to think he stuck around while scared out of his wits for no reason; he hopes someone heard him, and was comforted by his presence. And honestly, he thinks he deserves a pat on the back after all the trials he's gone through in the last 30 minutes!

And as he finishes tucking his poem book in his arm and looks up, he sees someone. Translucent, hazy, floating, just a few feet in front of him– he can see straight through them, can see all the dark trees and short, stone headstones that live in the ground that the figure should obscure were they physically here.

Changbin blinks, almost wanting to cartoonishly rub his eyes and slap his cheeks to make sure he's seeing properly and not losing his mind like he fears. What he does instead is shriek, positively jumps out of his skin once again as he drops his book and falls back on his behind from the fright.

He scrambles backwards, ducks behind a nearby headstone and brings a hand over his racing heart. He takes a few breaths, does his best to calm down before he slowly peeks out from behind the headstone to see if the figure is still there. 

He doesn't see anyone anymore– was he just seeing things? He has been really scared, so he doesn't think it impossible that his mind would start tricking him. But what if he really saw a ghost? The thought makes goosebumps rise on his skin again– God, he needs to go home already. 

"Hello? Can you hear me?" he hears a voice, airy and otherworldly, just behind him. His breath hitches, and hesitantly, slowly, he starts to turn toward the source of the voice. You float there, brows furrowed as you call to him, glowing ever so slightly in the palest shade of blue. 

A chill runs down his spine, and it's not just from how frightened he is– it's because cold air is quite literally radiating off of you. "Y-You��� You're– You're a–" You're a ghost, he's trying to say, but the word catches in his throat. It doesn't help that his teeth are chattering now– he can even see his breath with every word he manages to choke out.

And yes, he already thought ghosts were real– the whole reason he comes here to comfort spirits is because he believes in them! But he’s never actually seen one before, nor heard their disembodied voices calling to him. And now that it’s actually happening, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

“You can hear me! I knew it! You can see me too, can’t you?” you exclaim joyously, clapping your hands together in utter delight. You’re less transparent than before, your form less blurry– but you don’t look solid either. If he stuck his hand out to touch you, he’s sure it’d pass right through you. 

He swallows as he watches you dart side to side in your glee, the motions so smooth it’s unnatural. You look around his age, he thinks, though it’s impossible for him to tell exactly how old you are– or rather, were. Your hair is wispy, floats around you in a way reminiscent of being underwater; your long dress does too, light and delicate in appearance. 

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Changbin,” you tell him earnestly as you float down to his eye level, “I didn’t mean to, I just got so excited you could finally hear me– I'm so happy!” 

“You– you know my name?” Changbin questions, bewildered– honestly, he feels like he’s going to pass out. “Of course I do! You come here every week to read to me,” you reply with a giggle, as if the idea that you wouldn’t know his name is a silly one.

“O-Oh, right, yeah, of course, that makes sense,” he mutters. He’s still shocked, but he’s not as scared as before, and he manages to relax just a little. “You, uhm– you listen to me read often then..?” he follows up hesitantly; and it’s probably such a silly question, but you’ll have to forgive him because he’s never had a conversation with a ghost before. 

“Yes! I love when you come to visit and read your poems, it always makes me happy,” you tell him, adjusting your position so you’re sitting down with him– though you aren’t actually sitting on the dirt like he is, but levitating off the ground.

You introduce yourself after that, smile happily when he repeats it, because it’s been oh so long since someone said your name. “If you’re always here, why couldn’t I see you before?” Changbin can’t help but ask after, because now that the fear is dissipating he’s full of questions he wants to ask you.

“Well, the conditions have to be right! You can’t see me when it’s bright out, and you never stay 'til dark. And now I know why, scaredy cat,” you tease him, giggling when he pouts and huffs. You honestly find it endearing that someone as seemingly strong as Changbin is so easily frightened by little things.

“Hey, you’d be scared too!” he complains, though he can’t help but smile as you keep giggling at him. He never expected to befriend a ghost, but you’re obviously a kind spirit, and your delight to be talking to him is evident. And now that he’s over the shock and the fear, and really looks at you, he thinks you’re pretty too– beautiful, even. 

Is that strange? Maybe; but you are still a person at the end of the day. You float, you’re a little transparent, you glow pale blue and cold air surrounds you, but you’re still a person.

And at the same time, he can’t help but feel sad too– death comes for everyone, he knows, but it feels unfair that someone like you is already gone from this world. Someone as young, kind, and beautiful as you should’ve lived a long, full life.

“You need to have strong emotions to manifest, y’know? And the moon helps– when it's full like this, it gives me more energy than I usually have,” you continue to explain when your giggling subsides, and Changbin hums contemplatively, thinking for a moment before he responds.

“You have strong emotions then? Something that keeps you here?” It makes sense that you would– as far as he knows, strong emotions are the only things tethering spirits to the physical world; so if you’re not at rest, it has to be because there’s something within you that feels unresolved, something you needed or wanted but never obtained. 

Tentatively you nod, fiddling with your fingers and averting your gaze slightly. “I do, but.. It’s– it’s silly,” you mumble, and Changbin’s previous lighthearted, curious expression shifts, suddenly turning serious as he gazes at you with a slight frown.

“If it mattered to you– if it still matters to you, it’s not silly,” he says, and the sincerity in which he says it would make your heart race if you were still alive. If you’re being entirely honest, you’re in love with Changbin– and that’s part of the problem.

When you were alive, all you’d ever wanted was love– to meet someone that knocked you off your feet with just a glance, someone sweet, sincere, and tender. Someone that you could marry someday, maybe start a family with while living together in a quaint little idyllic house. 

But that never happened– and the sense of despair and unfulfillment you felt from having your dreams taken away from you are what kept you here. You didn’t know what to do when you realized what happened to you– spent your days wailing in frustration and sadness to the few other spirits inhabiting the cemetery with you over the unfair circumstances. 

What were you supposed to do? How were you supposed to find peace and move on? Maybe the only way would be to learn to accept it– accept that your dreams would never come true, and just let them go. You didn’t want to, but if you kept holding onto them, who knows when you’d finally move on from this world? 

And around the same time you were grappling with such thoughts and feelings is when you first saw Changbin, who came to the cemetery for no reason other than to give you and the other inhabitants some company. And he wasn’t talking only to you, but it always felt like he was– like every word that left his lips was entirely for you alone. 

“I’m here for you, you’re not alone as long as Changbin is here,” “This poem is my favorite, I hope you like it too,” “Did you have a good day today? It’s okay if you didn’t– Binnie’ll hopefully make it better!” 

That’s all it took, really– and suddenly, you weren’t bound to this world because you never knew love; you were bound to this world because you felt it too much. You love him; not just because of his sweet personality, but every little detail about him– from the swoop and curl of his hair, to his chubby cheeks, to his cute, pretty and pouty lips. 

And you long to kiss him, but Changbin is alive, and you very much aren’t anymore– and there’s no way he’ll fall in love with a ghost. Still, you believe him when he says that what binds you here isn’t silly– or that he won’t think so, at least. 

“It’s just.. Well, I can’t have what I want, I know I can’t, but I still want it anyways; like, even though I should just let it go, I can’t bring myself to. I think that’s why I’m still here,” you tell him, deciding it’s best to keep your desires down to their vaguest parts.

Changbin is sweet, and he looks at you with so much care that you’re certain he’d be understanding and sympathetic, but it’s probably for the best that you don’t pour your heart out beyond that. 

“Is there really no way for you to have what you want? If there’s anything I can do to help, you can tell me! I’d do my best,” he expresses sincerely, and though you can’t physically cry anymore, it almost makes you feel like you will. He’s just too sweet, you can’t take it.

“M-Maybe, but I wouldn’t ask for it,” you reply, and his brows furrow a little. “Why not? You don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to, but I hope you know that I mean it when I say I'd be happy to help you," Changbin says, smile so patient, gentle and sweet that it if you were still alive, your cheeks would definitely be heating up right now. 

Should you give it a shot? What's the worst that could happen? You're already dead, so it's not like you can die from embarrassment if he shuts you down. The worst he can say is no– and that would be okay too, because maybe with his rejection you'd finally be able to let go of what keeps you here.

“You could.. kiss me?” you say after a moment of hesitation, and Changbin almost squeaks from how surprised he is, blinks at you with the cutest flustered expression you’ve ever seen.

“Th-That’s– that’s what you want?” he stutters out, and even in the low light of the moon, you can tell he’s blushing, the soft pink spreading over his cheeks and crawling up to the tips of his ears.

“It’s– it’s what I wanted when I was alive. To kiss someone I love, I mean,” you answer, and it gets Changbin’s heart racing. Not just that someone as pretty as you, ghost or not, wants to kiss him, but the implication that you love him that definitely wasn’t missed by him. 

“It was the poems, wasn’t it?” he says with a bashful little downturned smile a moment later, and you laugh, in your delightfully light and airy way as you nod. “They helped. But really, I just think you’re very cute– and very sweet.”

It’s a little strange, being complimented like this by a ghost, and learning that said ghost has very deep rooted feelings for him– but he likes it. And maybe it’s a little unorthodox, but he’d be happy to give you what you want; especially if it will help you find peace.

“I’ll kiss you,” he tells you, and it’s not because he feels obligated, or like he should– it’s because, believe it or not, he sincerely wants to. He thinks you're pretty, you're sweet and earnest, and you love him– so who cares if you're a ghost; why shouldn't he kiss you?

“A-Are you sure? You really don’t have to,” you assure him, and Changbin smiles at you as he nods, entirely certain. “I know I don’t have to. I want to kiss you.” Your spiritual heart soars and burns with joy– and slowly, timidly, you return his smile before you float your way closer to him, and reach your hand out to touch his cheek.

He doesn’t feel your touch, not really– just the cold that pours from you. Regardless, he closes his eyes for you, purses his lips and slightly tilts his head the way he would if he were kissing anyone else. And again, he doesn’t feel your lips, but the cold– that is, until the feeling suddenly starts to become fuller. 

Slowly, he can begin to feel the way your hand rests on his cheek, can feel your lips slotted against his. He can feel your other hand resting on his chest, right over his heart, can feel the weight of your body on his lap, and he shivers– not because of the cold, but because he can actually feel you now.

Instinctively, he moves his hands to try and touch you– and is pleasantly surprised to find he can. His hands don’t phase through you like he thought they would earlier– he can feel you under his fingertips, as if you’re just as corporeal as he himself is. And so he holds you close, kisses you slow and sweet, over and over until he’s out of breath. 

“You’re still here,” he can’t help but whisper when he pulls away; he half expected you to dissipate the moment you got what you wanted, though he’s not sure if that’s actually how it's supposed to work. And he’s left with a strange feeling– on one hand, he’s sad for you because he really did want to help you move on. On the other hand, he likes that you’re still here, that he can still see you and feel you. 

In reality, you feel like his kiss tethered you even more to the physical world. You’re the happiest you’ve ever been, and instead of it giving you the peace you needed to move on, it bound you here stronger. You're filled with a strong desire to remain here, to be with Changbin, and you feel that it has made you manifest more than you’d ever been able to before. 

You’ve tried many times before, but have never been able to manifest yourself this much; to the point that not only could you be seen and heard, but felt– and whether it’s because the full moon is helping, or because Changbin’s kiss gave you more energy and purpose, or a mix of both, you’re happy.

“I think I like you too much to move on.” you tell him, and he giggles as he squeezes you closer, his nose scrunching cutely whilst he hugs you. 

“I’m sorry– I feel like I shouldn’t be, but I’m happy you’re still here,” he says, and you shake your head, returning his smile as you share the sentiment. “I’m happy I’m still here too.” 

It’s a bit strange, having a ghost for a partner. Sharing a kiss attached you to him; and no longer bound to your grave, but to Changbin himself, now you go wherever he goes. You don’t need to always be right on him, of course– but you do have to be close; and every time one of you steps too far out of that radius, you always end up snapping back to him. 

It’s a generous radius, really– you can go several miles before the invisible tether connecting you snaps you back to his side. It’s more than enough for you to exist in his house while he goes to work– and really, he’s happy to share his home with you; he’s sure it beats staying in the cemetery all day, every day. 

And even when he can’t see you, whether because the sun is too bright in the sky or because you don’t have enough energy to manifest that day, he can feel you– and you make yourself known in little ways. His house is always cold now, but it’s especially cold when you’re nearby. You flicker his lights and turn his tv screen to static to get his attention, or leave a message in the steam from his hot showers on the mirror. 

He’ll get a phantom phone call to his landline, where all that exists on the other line is static– but even if he can’t hear it, he’s sure at that moment you’re saying something sweet. And while he's mostly used to these occurrences now, he'll still jump when he hears a sudden noise before he remembers it’s you; a tapping on the wood of his bed frame, usually– 8 knocks meant to signify “I love you.”

Nights of the full moon are always when you can manifest yourself the fullest and easiest, and you both take full advantage of the time you have before you eventually start to become hazy and transparent again. Tonight is one of those nights; the moon hanging high, bright and beautiful, illuminating his dark room in the same pretty, pale blue that glows off you. 

“Baby, please–! You’re so cold, warn me first!” Changbin cries when you first touch him. He already knows you’re not going to waste any time in getting to touch him when you first manifest, but the chill that radiates off you still jolts him every time.

“You’re just so warm,” you muse happily as you snake your limbs around him, sap him for all the warmth he’s worth under his fluffy comforter, “my big teddy bear.” He huffs, but smiles as he does– he can’t actually be upset with you, after all. 

“You should let me take your warmth anyways– you were so mean, ignoring me all day,” you pout as you snuggle into him, burying your head in the warm crook of his neck.

“Hey, hey! Don’t say that, that’s not fair! You know I couldn’t see you!” he wails dramatically, and you have to make an effort not to giggle, bury your face further into him so he can’t see you smiling.

Of course, you know it’s not his fault in the slightest that he couldn’t see your or hear you earlier today, but you still like to tease him over it just a little– his reactions to it are always so cute. “So mean,” you repeat, your voice muffled by his sweater.

He knows that you’re doing it to get a rise out of him, and you know that he knows. But he likes doing this with you– it’s silly fun, and he loves the precious smile that spreads on your face when he plays along and inevitably dotes on you while begging for your forgiveness.

“Aigoo, my baby is really upset. Guess Binnie just has to make it up to you, huh?” he says, and you lift your head just enough to peek an eye at him. “Tell Changbinnie what you want, he’ll give it to you. He’s really sorry,” he entices you further, and the cute smile he was expecting and loves so much makes its full appearance.

“Want a kiss,” you say, pursing your lips at him in that cute duck shape as you wait for him to comply. He tries to coo at you, but it comes out more like a giggle before he’s lifting his head from the pillow to kiss you, tender and sweet.

“Do you forgive me now?” he asks when he pulls away, and you hum as you pretend to think about it. “Mm, I don’t know. I think I might need another one to decide.”

Changbin fully laughs then, shakes his head and mutters something about you being cute before he kisses you again. He shifts onto his side as he kisses you, making it easier for you to tangle your legs with his. He hisses when your cold toes touch the backs of warm calves, and you giggle an apology, though he knows you’re not actually sorry about it at all.

You always tell him how much you love his warmth, and how it radiates from every inch of him. And he’ll pout and shout, half-heartedly complain when you surprise him by touching him with your cold digits, simply because he knows it makes you laugh; you both know that in reality, he’s happy to be your personal heater.

He shivers when you snake your hands under his sweater; your hands aren’t as cold as they were when you first touched him anymore, but it’s still enough for goosebumps to follow the path of your fingers– or maybe he just has goosebumps because he likes you touching him.

Changbin gasps when you brush over his peaking, puffy nipples, and you take that moment to slip your tongue into this mouth. He moans when you pinch them between your fingers, tweak and twist just enough to have him squirming.

“Honey,” he breathes in a near whine when you pull away from him to kiss over his jaw, and the scar that sits on his chin, while your fingers continue to play with his body. 

“I missed you,” you speak against his skin as you press kisses along his neck, “I heard you earlier– saw you touching yourself in the shower. I wanted you so bad, but I couldn’t do anything about it.” He whimpers at that, squeezes you where his hand rests on your waist. 

Naturally, the fact that you can hear him and see him even when he can’t see or hear you always exists in the back of his mind. Every time he starts to touch himself, it’s something he considers– and he even likes it; likes knowing you’re there, watching and listening.

“I’m sorry, couldn’t help it,” he whines an apology, though he knows he doesn’t have to. You’ve both talked about it, of course– how you like watching him, and how he likes being watched in turn. There’s something naughty about it, and it always leaves him feeling extra desired and sexy when you later tell him what you saw, how much you want him because of it. 

And when he feels a sudden chill run along his body and down the length of his spine, is hit with the inexplicable sensation of being watched, he knows it’s you. It always fuels him, makes him fist his cock faster and run his mouth, hoping you like everything he’s spilling. 

Really, it’s no wonder that you always jump his bones the minute you can. Changbin thinks he’d go insane if the situation were the opposite; if he could see you touching yourself, could hear every little noise of pleasure you release, and not be able to join no matter how bad he wanted to. He’s already desperate for more intimacy with you as is– he doesn’t think he’d be able to take it. 

“Can you do it again? Touch yourself with me right here?” you ask him, and he can’t help the way his face flushes as you continue, “I want you to see me watching you this time.” You can feel the way his heart thumps in response to your request, how it picks up speed ever so slightly before he answers. “Y-Yeah, I can– I can do that for you, honey.”

You meant it when you said you like watching Changbin get off. You like watching his honeyed skin slowly take on more and more pink as he strokes his cock. You like watching his broad chest puff out, his stomach clench, his toned arms flex with every motion he makes.

You like watching the sweat build on his brow, and like to listen to his moans become more breathy and whiny as he gets closer and closer to release. And though Changbin isn’t naked now, you’ll still enjoy watching all the same; because he's beautiful, and handsome, and so utterly perfect when he's feeling good.

He reaches between your bodies, manages to get his pajama pants and underwear down just enough to release his still hardening cock from their confines. He bites his lip as he takes the short length in his hand, looks down at himself as he strokes it slowly before looking back at you.

There’s still enough lingering sensitivity from before that he squirms more than usual, but that’s not all there is to it– it's your attentive stare, the way you gaze into his eyes as he moans before you trail them away to watch him stroke himself, and back again. And you’re so close, body so tangled with his, that his fist keeps bumping into your thigh with each pump of his cock. 

Changbin keens when you kiss him, so affectionate and tender that it makes his head spin. You can feel his thighs twitch as he starts to stroke himself faster, and you pull away to watch for a few moments before you tilt your head back up to kiss him again. He's fully hard now, dripping pre-cum so steadily that the glide of his hand becomes slick and effortless.

He whimpers when you pinch his nipples again, parts his lips so you can slip your tongue back into his mouth. His breathing becomes steadily harsher and uneven, his every moan and whimper muffled by your lips against his. He brings his other hand to your ass, squeezes it as he pulls you even closer to his body, as if the fact that you're not already mere inches apart with your limbs tangled together is enough for him.

And truly, he can't get enough of having you close like this. The way you kiss him, touch him, look at him, all while he’s stroking his cock for you– it really does something to him; makes him feel so good and so desired that he swears he could cum purely from the intimacy of it alone.

“You too, please?” Changbin pleads in a breathy exhale the next time you pull back from kissing him, “Please, want to watch you too.”

“Yeah? You want to watch me?” you smile, almost giggle from the eager nod and the whiny, desperate “please, want it so bad,” he gives in response. You’re sweet to your Binnie, oblige him in an instant, and he watches with eager eyes and bated breath as you dip your hand between your bodies.

Even with your dress already hiked all the way up your thighs, you’re so closely pressed to him that he can’t get a clear sight of your pussy; but watching your hand will be enough of a view for him. He'll be able to tell what you're doing, and that's all he really needs.  

All you can reach while this close and tangled together with Changbin is your clit, and he watches you shudder at the first bit of stimulation to it from your fingers. He mimics what you’d done– alternates between watching your face and your hand, and God, every time your eyes meet again it takes his breath away. 

It’s not the same as if you had a physical body like his– your face doesn’t flush, you don't sweat from exertion, and you don’t grow breathless the way he does, but you feel the pleasure all the same. He can tell from the furrow of your brow, the tremble of your body, and the bite of your lip as you gaze at him.

And you're so pretty, face so close to his that your foreheads touch, that his every breath tickles you. "Oh my god, baby–" he whimpers when you start to moan with him, picking up the pace of your hand when he does, matching his speed.

It makes him dizzy– because when he closes his eyes, he can pretend he’s inside you; pretend that the sloppy, squelching sounds his fist creates are from your pussy instead. He can pretend that when you moan and whimper, it’s because he's stretching you out perfectly and hitting your spot just right. 

He holds your gaze when he opens his eyes again, completely stops watching the motion of your fingers between your legs so he can strictly observe you, take in your pretty face and how you look when you're feeling good with him. It’s intimate, staring at you like this; it makes him squeeze his cock tighter, the motion of his fist quickly becoming erratic as he drives himself closer to release. 

“Does it– do you feel good?” Changbin asks, because even though he knows, he still wants to hear you say it. “Do you like this? Tell me– please tell me.” 

“Feels so good, Binnie, love this, love you so much– you can’t see it, but I always touch myself with you like this, always make myself cum watching you,” you tell him, and he whimpers from your admission, high-pitched and squeaky. 

“Oh, ‘m so close– will you cum with me? Please, need you to cum with me,” Changbin whines and pleads, every inch of his body trembling as he tries to hold his orgasm back long enough to hear your answer. 

“I will, ‘m gonna cum for you, Binnie, just for you,” you promise, reaching your free hand out to cup his face, keeping your eyes locked with his as you watch each other unravel. Your paces are frantic now, bodies bucking together with every combined motion of your hands between your tangled legs. 

You lean forward to kiss him just as your high takes you, and it sends him right over the edge with you, eyes rolling back before they flutter closed. Noises of pleasure muffled by each other’s lips, his hips jolt as his cum spills over his fist, onto your thighs and the hand you have nestled between them. 

He’s sure some of it got on his comforter too, but he doesn’t care– he just keeps kissing you as he comes down from his high, because despite how breathless he is, it's all he wants to do. “I love you so much,” he tells you after another sweet kiss, and you smile at him, tell him you love him too as you wipe the sweat sticking his curly hair to his forehead away. 

You stay like that the rest of the night; tangled together, hugging each other close and kissing tenderly until Changbin’s fatigue prevents him from doing so any longer. He falls asleep like that, holding you to his body as much as he can; and even when your physical form starts to dissipate with the rising of the sun, you stay right against him.

When he wakes in the morning, he can’t see you anymore, but he knows you’re there. He tells you he loves you, and he smiles when you reply with your 8 little knocks to his bed frame. He talks to you throughout his morning, as he always does, because even if he can’t see you, he knows you’re listening. 

And when he decides to go back to the cemetery to read to the other spirits that still linger there, as he promised them he would, you go with him. He saves your grave for last, and you watch as he puts flowers on your headstone before he settles in to read to you; and even when he can’t see you because the sun is just too bright, he can feel you there, sitting next to him and listening to his poems. 

When he’s finished reading, he’ll feel a sudden touch of cold on his cheek, and he’ll know it’s from you kissing him. He’ll smile, place his hand over the spot and tell you again that he loves you. And when Changbin returns home, and the light of the moon helps you manifest again, he’ll kiss you all over and squeeze you tight, with a million promises of forever on his lips.

[cheekylittlepupp]

Can we talk about Ascended Astarion and how he actually seems to be lonelier than ever? If you talk to the non romanced version of him he says that even with all of this power and wealth, he feels lonely. I'm starting to think that this is the sad route just as much as it's the evil route.

If you've romanced him, his whole world now revolves around you, he will lovebomb you and never let you go, if you talk about freedom he gets visibly annoyed and replies with "Gods, not this again." How many times was this discussed before? I'm almost 100% sure that you are never getting out of a relationship with him, ever, if you find a way to die this man will probably scour all of Faerûn for a way to bring you back. Or if you want to go the angsty route.

Once he ascends he pushes everyone away and if tav doesn't agree with him he can easily compel them to, talk about an echo chamber. Afterall, he knows best. Everyone is beneath him, their only purpose is to bow and serve and of course, offer their necks.

It reminds me of something he said before about someone, hmm ~

Everything that has happened up to this point, everything you've gone through with him from act 1 up until he ascends is erased. He is once again closed off, unbelieving of love, belives that every type of relationship is just a transaction, that his former self was pathetic, powerless, undeserving of anything and that everything in this world happens only for power. Power, Power, Power.

Sharing his power and wealth with you, providing you with pleasure, what is all of this, if not, love? (funny, this ties up to act 1n2 again huh, intimacy being only transactional) Oh you wanted, love, love? Honesty, sincerity, respect, mutual understanding and all of that crap? Don't be ridiculous, darling.

He is incredibly pushy about making you his spawn because in that way you will never be able to run away from him, you will be forever his.

I do believe that you are special to him, afterall, you were his first everything. The first living creature's blood was yours and we all know how important and special that is, you were the first one who saw him for who he truly is, you were the first one who he was intimate with for the first time after he escaped and wasn't compelled to do so, he had other motives at the time but we all know he caught feelings soon after, you were the first one who listened to him pour his heart out, you are the first person he's ever truly cared for, you were the one standing by his side when you faced Cazzador, you were the one who helped him with the ritual, you helped him sacrifice all of those souls, you pushed him, you were there through all of it, YOU.

So once he finally receives the power that he's lusted after, he will secure you any way he can, he will promise you everything, he will say everything that you want to hear, god forbid he is ever alone again and lose you.

All of this ties up to him being possesive, he's co-dependent on you, always watching, always having his eyes on you, his prized treasure, his beloved pet, his dark consort, the only thing he truly has. You will be together forever, until the world falls down, be it by force or your free will.

[owlwithanapple]

You’re Late ❤️‍🔥👄

Content : Adult Content/Romance/Passionate

Characters : Bruce Wayne x Y/N

Bruce: Dinner🖤?

Y/N: Ok♥️.

A man and a woman, spending some time together in bed, neither sex buddies nor lovers. Beyond friendship, maintain an ambiguous relationship, enjoying the bitter and sweet time. The taste that you have only tasted once, the process is deeply engraved in your mind.

For attend the date tonight, you pay great attention to elegance and temperament. You put on a delicate makeup, curled your hair, chose an elegant and noble dress, matched it with a pair of stilettos.

You arrived at the place early, which was the live music bar that Bruce chose. The atmosphere was great, the service attitude and environment quality were great. You sat down close to the stage, while waiting for Bruce arrive, you ordered a glass of water.

You know, waiting for someone may be lonely and sad. But when that person appears, you will feel indescribable joy and peace of mind. You are willing to wait, but may not be able to wait until he appears. You spent the most precious two hours here, he didn't respond to a single phone call.

"Miss, would you like to order?" The considerate waitress stood next to you.

You choked up, with countless sorrows in your heart, but still keep smiled and said, "I'm sorry wasting your time here. Give me a black pepper lamb chop and a portion of mashed potatoes."

The songs played by the live band very beautiful, with melodious and rhythmic melodies. You sit there quietly listening to every song. Music is a good medicine that can heal the soul, but you don't feel anything.

You tap fingers on table and say bitterly, "I'm so free."

The waitress refills drink and looks confused, "Huh?"

Because of waiting, you gradually think about it, and you are still indulging in fantasy, which is ridiculous. Everyone will willingly wait for someone until they meet. You have wasted a lot of your youth, why do you repeat the same mistake again.

You sorted out emotions, stood up and walked backstage, shaking your hair as you walked, exuding a breath of confidence and vitality. Remind yourself all the time are shining, as dazzling as a star.

When you get backstage and see the band about to go on stage, you step forward and gently tap one of the members on the shoulder, smiling and asking, "Do you mind having more singers?"

The band members looked confused. "You want to go on stage? Why?"

You stood there and smiled slightly. "I was stood up."

They gathered together discuss for a while. At this time, the lead singer went to rummage through the boxes and found a microphone handed it to you. "Shall we sing together?"

You curled your lips and smiled, nodded slightly. "Of course."

It was your turn to go on stage with the next band. The lead singer noticed your stiletto heels , he took the initiative hold your hand lead you to the stage. You sat on the chair to adjust the microphone, while the other members adjusted their instruments.

"Ahem, we have a new friend in our band today." The lead singer looked at you with a gentle look.

You shook your hair, smiled confidently, waved and greeted everyone, "Hello. Just call me Rosie. Today I will sing a few songs with the band."

The people in the audience applauded and cheered, and some even screamed. In your low mood, someone accepted your willfulness and a group of people tolerated your shortcomings. It's good that he didn't come. You like to have fun like this all night.

"First of all, this song is called You Are The Reason. It's a gift for my new friend Rosie." Suddenly he said this. You covered your mouth but smiled. The lead singer flicked his tongue a few times then snapped his fingers. The members played the music, the music sounded and you two swayed to the melody.

He held the microphone tightly, humming slowly to the rhythm of the music, looking at you with a gentle and firm look. You closed your eyes listened to the beautiful melody lingering in your heart. The prelude was shocked by his beautiful voice.

The whole world seemed to be enveloped by his singing, so beautiful and harmonious. The audiences sang together, the music and singing blended together to form a wonderful atmosphere. You put the microphone to your lips and sang with him.

I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason

As your soft, flower-like voice and singing sounded, the audience burst into warm applause. The lead singer's eyes stayed on you, he held your hand tightly sang the song with you until the end before letting go.

The audience and the band members gave you applause. It was incredible that so wonderful and full of energy. You applauded with them. Immersed in this wonderful atmosphere, Bruce stepped in and noticed your face became solemn on the stage, and there was another woman holding his arm.

"Wow..." You smiled helplessly.

"What's wrong?" The lead singer patted your shoulder.

"Nothing. I want to play drums." You smiled slightly.

"You can?!" The lead singer was surprised.

"Who are you looking down on?" You took off your high heels and ran to the drummer, he gave you his seat. You picked up the drumsticks and played with them in your hands, then hit a rhythm on the drum. You winked at the lead singer confidently, he stood up and opened arms to clap his hands.

"Rosie! You are the best!" He pointed at you and shouted.

You raised the drumsticks and shouted "One more song!"

This is the first time Bruce saw you singing and playing drums here, the scene was very charming, you were a flower blooming in the crowd. He felt very guilty and had very complicated emotions. He completely forgot about the date with you. Two hours had passed, you still at the place.

"That girl is really amazing, right, Bat?" Selina took his arm.

Bruce rejected her tactfully and avoided her physical contact. He couldn't take his eyes off you at all, he fell in love deeply with your charm "Yeah."

She held Bruce's face and faced her "Where you looking at? The girl ? She is young and energetic."

He looked away coldly "I guess."

Selina noticed Bruce didn't see her, and said sarcastically "Bat? What's wrong? You are so absorbed in looking at that young girl."

He looked at Selina and said coldly "It has nothing to do with you."

You thought Bruce was different, believed he would come, just like last time. He did come, with another woman. From a distance, couldn't hear the conversation between the two, and they seemed unhappy. The woman dumped Bruce and left, leaving him alone enjoy your stage performance.

Waiting is so painful, it brings back your unpleasant memories. When the music started again, even your breath was colliding, you enjoyed the swaying steps, and every moment the music sounded, kept venting your emotions and feelings in your heart.

It was late, the happy time was over, the audience who spent time with you had left, the band members were packing up and preparing to leave, the music bar was closed, and you were left alone on the stage, looking at Bruce in his seat.

The lead singer whistled over, "Rosie, I take you home?"

You shook your head and declined, "No thanks."

"Mr Wayne, we're closed." The waitress said nervously.

"I know. Lend me this place." Bruce looked at you silently.

It was quiet, with only two lights on. There was no one around, you and Bruce were staring at each other. He walked towards you, kneeling on one knee to put on your high heels for your bare legs, and you willing to get down from the chair.

"Two hours. You are so cruel." You looked disdainful and hypocritical.

"I'm sorry." He just treated me coldly.

You were ready to leave, a hand grabbed your arm and pulled you into his arms. He hugged you tightly and buried his head in your neck. His breath was transmitted to your neck, which was puzzling.

"Are you happy with her?" You asked with a disdainful tone.

He calmed down and thought about it before speaking, "I talked to her about work."

You broke free from his arms and told him seriously with a dissatisfied expression, "Work? Are you sure? She doesn't look like that."

"Y/N. Listen to me."

When he was about to continue, you stopped him impatiently, "Stop. You left me here for two hours and I haven't started to argue with you."

He scratched his hair and sighed, "I'm sorry."

You crossed your arms in front of chest and stamped left foot helplessly. There were a lot of dissatisfied and unconvinced words in mouth that wanted to burst out, felt so disappointed but speechless. He is not what you expect, you take yourself too seriously.

When calmed down, you heard footsteps approaching, he was walking towards and stopped in front of you. He gently moved your hand, held your upper hand with his left hand, and hugged your waist with his right hand, our bodies close to each other.

"I haven't forgiven you yet." You looked away unsatisfied.

"I didn't ask you to forgive me. I just want to dance with this beautiful woman in front of me." He guided you to follow his dance steps step by step.

You looked into his deep eyes "Who is she?"

He smiled faintly, as if there was something hidden in his expression. You moved slowly and steadily with his dance steps until he said calmly "She is my ex-girlfriend."

You stopped and looked at him indifferently "Why you two here?"

He noticed that you had stopped and locked his eyes on you "Work. She and Batman are both people who act in the dark."

You nodded and smiled, "She is the one who made you late for two hours."

He hugged you tightly in his arms, slowly stroked your back until stopped at your waist, "I owe you a good night."

His tone revealed unspeakable pain, you hugged him and patted his back gently, "I am waiting here like a fool."

"You are not. The moment I stepped in and saw you, I fell more deeper than before." He let go of you and fingers gently stroked your cheek.

You held his hand on your cheek and stroked it gently, he moved closer to your face, and was felt on your face. You blinked and looked at him, and gaze were locked each other.

"She will jealous." You said teasingly.

"I don't need to know, I want you to be jealous." He left a kiss on your lips, he broke the kiss and looked at you again.

You hugged him and tilted your head to smile. You bit his neck, although it was just a light bite, but you didn't let go until satisfied. He had no intention of pushing away, and you heard him laugh softly.

"Are you satisfied? My love." He pouted and smiled, his hands restlessly touching your hips.

You pouted your lips to smile cutely, "You owe me a good night. I want you with me today until I satisfied."

He laughed and looked at you, "I'll listen to you."

You thought about it and took his hand pull him away. In the middle of the night, he held your hand tightly. You led him to a Japanese barbecue roadside stall and ordered two beef skewers to take a bite.

"Wow. Eat this?" He watched you eat the skewers.

You handed him "I like it."

He leaned down to chew a bite, his eyes lit up, "Not bad. Delicious. Give me another bite."

You ate all "Oops. Sorry."

He lowered head and laughed, then came close to slapped your butt, took out the money from his pocket and ordered two more, "My love, so naughty."

You took the initiative to bury his arms between your breasts and poked his face with fingers, "You are even worse, just teaching you a lesson."

He took a bite, pinched your face turned it to him, then passed the food in his mouth to your mouth and licked your lips. You chewed the food, he was fanning the flames, your confident look became shy.

He took another bite and chewed it, smiled confidently, "Delicious?"

You swallowed it and licked your lips once, "It's delicious."

The thick, slightly drunk and sweet atmosphere was ignited in an instant, he fanned the fire of desire and ignited it, your seductive and incomparable sexy temptation, he couldn't resist the desire in his heart and pulled you deep into the alley.

He pushed you against the wall, put his hand under your skirt between thigh, his fingers exploring your skin. You looked up at the sky and moaned with pleasure, he was playing with your clitoris through a layer of underwear.

"Fuck - Bruce -." Your sensitive clitoris was rubbed by his fingers until it was soaked, he inserted two fingers and kept fucking, make you feel excited in an instant.

He looked so proud, it was the most satisfying when he fucked you so wet with two fingers. He unzipped his zipper and showed his cock, you really wanted to be held tightly by him and fucked.

He looked like a big wolf wanting to eat a rabbit. He took out fingers that covered with your love juice and looked satisfied. He said in his magnetic and deep voice, "Turn around."

You obeyed and turned around. You raised hands and placed them on the wall. His rough hands pressed your hands against the wall. You bent down and raised your hips. He lifted your skirt and pulled down the panties. His cock rubbed your private parts until it was filled with your love juice and then inserted it.

His cock came in directly. The feeling made your legs sore and weak, but was very pleasant. You kept moaning, letting his cock hit you violently. He reached into your underwear and kneaded your breasts.

"Ah—fuck—there—Bruce—." In this position, his cock hits your insides so good, making you climax repeatedly and moan non-stop. He slaps your buttocks without any rest, the feeling reaches your private parts.

You climax and ejaculate love juice inside your body, but he doesn't intend to stop or let you catch breath. He increases the intensity and thrusts quickly, fucking you harder, and you feel his collision inside your body.

One night in a quiet alley, your unbridled moans can be heard. The two of you can't resist the temptation, and boldly take a unique and romantic adventure, making love in the alley without restraint, enjoying this intense process without scruples.

Time passed bit by bit, until his cock was at the edge, his movements were faster and bigger, he pinched and rubbed your nipples, his cock kept pushing deep inside you.

"I can't hold it anymore - fuck!" You moan louder as reach climax. You pinch your hands. He come directly inside you. His cock stays inside you. He leans on your shoulder take a breath. You feel the thick and hot semen staying inside.

He lets go of your hands and hug your waist tightly. Leans on your shoulder to take a breath. You touch his hair and say naughtily, "Don't forget take it out."

"Hahaha. My love, you are so comfortable and suitable for me." He lifts your hair and kisses it gently. At this time, he notices your hairstyle has changed, from straight hair to slightly curly hair. "Your curly hair is also beautiful.".

"Thank you. Today's dress is not wasted." After finished, he pulled out his cock. During the process, you stood for too long. Once relaxed, your legs were weak and couldn't stand steadily. He quickly came forward to hold you and took the opportunity to kiss his charming lips.

Today you are wearing high-cut lace panties. As soon as you put them on, can feel a sticky feeling in private parts. It is the stuff from him. Some of it has even flowed out between your thighs. You feel so shy and helpless that can't clean it up right away.

You can feel the liquid flowing as soon as you move a little. Your legs are sore and weak. You pull Bruce and ask, "Hold me. I can't walk."

He curled his lips and smiled when he heard your request. He bent down and picked you up in a bridal hug. Fortunately, there was no one around. Otherwise, exciting to have sex outside, but it would be embarrassing to be discovered.

You were swinging legs leisurely and suddenly heard him say, "My love, your new high-cut lace panties?"

You were dumbfounded that he actually noticed it. You poked his cheek, "Dear Bruce, do you like it?"

The corners of his mouth slightly raised, "You are really good at choosing. I love it."

You smiled slightly, "You actually noticed it."

He winked at you, "I also noticed your bra is blue."

You laughed until tears came out, "Fuck you."

"Come home with me tonight, I want to hold you to sleep." He suddenly mentioned to you.

"Hm... OK." You smiled slightly.

— The End —

[heavencanbeaprisontoo]

Hello! May I request a headcanon for how Tommy Shelby would pine/crush over a reader maybe one who has rejected him in the past because she worked for him or because she wants to keep their relationship as friends/professional! (Since you’re writing you can make the scenario as to why she said no whatever you like) but truly i’d just love to see a headcanon on him falling in love and longing for someone who he can’t have so easily :)

Imagine Rejecting: Thomas Shelby

Tommy x fem!reader

Trope: Right person, wrong time. Warnings: Angst, pining, toxic romantic tendencies, infidelity.

You worked under him as Lizzie's replacement as his secretary, you saw his books and you knew the red on his suit collar wasn't always lipstick. You went with him almost everywhere, memorized his schedule, and completed small tasks that often caused him headaches. Long hours in the office stopped feeling so lonely. And that's where the trouble started.

When he found himself growing fond of you, he tried to fight it. He really did. But feelings grow over time and before he knew it, he started to see you as a partner. At first, he told himself that you reminded him of Grace. It was easier to tell himself that he was projecting her image onto you. However, there came a point where he couldn't lie to himself anymore.

His eyes would follow you as you left a room. His head would turn upon hearing your voice. The smell of your perfume was enough to give him pause at times. When he was at home, he would sometimes go into his office to call you from your desk in Birmingham. Just to have a conversation, even if it was to go over a detail for a meeting he "forgot."

Tommy confessed his feelings to you one late night at the Midland Hotel. You sat with him at the hotel bar, not a soul around except for the two of you and half a bottle of whiskey. Maybe is was the whiskey that did it, but he took your hand and said: "I've been trying to think of what to do about you. The things that you make me want to feel, make me want to do. It shouldn't be this way, but it is. I want you."

You slowly took your hand from him, and stood. The look in your eyes was enough to make him sober. Quietly, you gave your reply, "I'm going to call for two cars to take us home. I'll see you Monday morning, Mr. Shelby."

Thomas Shelby is not unused to rejection. It hasn't bothered him in years. With you, however, it's different. You aren't a political rival, a gang leader, or a position he's being blocked from obtaining. You are a person. A woman who has denied him access to your heart.

That is very, very different.

Not to mention a blow to his ego. Tommy knows he's attractive, and he knows that most of the women he interacts with are more than a little interested in him. Ladies from poor families see a man that can provide. Ladies from wealthy families see a man of danger that can make them feel alive. You didn't seem to fall into either category. You didn't seem to need him the way most people did.

He wouldn't discuss that night at the Midland with you for several months. When it finally did get addressed, you seemed surprised. Had you assumed he was drunk? It hardly mattered. You tried to turn him down, again "We can't, Tommy."

"Of course we can."

You scoffed, "We shouldn't. You have a wife and two children, and I am merely your employee."

Tommy got closer to you, his eyes caught between staring at your rosy painted lips and the look in your eyes. His fingertips gazed your wrist. It would be so easy to just kiss you. To take you into his arms and just hold you. Did you truly not want him? As he stared you down, the answer was found in the tears that welled in your eyes. No, you were just as sick in the heart as he was.

"Lizzie understands. Or marriage is a partnership, nothing more. We can be as we like, she wants nothing to do with it," Tommy takes your chin in between his thumb and index finger. "Tell me you don't want me, and I'll leave you alone. Tell me that."

Tears stained by your dark mascara roll down your cheeks, a shudder runs through you. "Tommy," you sigh "that's precisely why I'll never give in. I can't live my life as your whore. It's almost as cruel as being your wife."

He let you go. You took two steps back, then left him there. As the door to his office slammed shut, Tommy almost chased after you. But, he didn't. Because you were right.

[monstersinthecosmos]

Do you think Marius still loves Armand in the last books? Does he want Armand to return to him? Marius seemed to have left him in the past

The short answer is YEAH OF COUSRE HE LOVES ARMAND TO DEATH but let’s talk about this for a minute!

The question of whether or not Marius loves him is the easier one to answer. Armand is one of the great loves of Marius’s life! In the beginning of TVA (when he’s just spent however much time thinking Armand is dead) he’s a DISHEVELED MESS! And at the beginning of B&G he’s super lonely and isolated and seems worried about stuff he’s done recently and people in his life being mad at him. (Benji & Sybelle Incident? Something else?) I think when you look at a vampire like Marius, it’s remarkable that he makes it 2000 years only turning THREE fledglings (not counting when we get to B+S and Viktor bc that gets into like, vampire favors and isn’t really for himself LOL), vs a character like Lestat who made 3 fledglings in his first 11 years. These are the great loves of Marius’s life and not decisions he made lightly! And while I think we can (and have) sort of untangled selfish vs. selfless love in Marius’s life, I think it’s really important that 500 years later he couldn’t forgive Santino. Is that on his own behalf alone or on Armand’s? There’s a lot of unpack but! He loves Armand! He does!!!!!

But anyway on the topic of returning to each other;

I think their last conversation in BCtu sort of opens a door that they’re going to speak to each and work things out. Canonically, that’s all the information we get. We also never explicitly get information about like, what exactly is wrong between them presently. We know that

they had a big fight at the end of TVA but that they calmed down

Armand has been afraid of Marius because he's scared that Marius doesn't still love him like he used to

in ROA Marius said he had the savage & ignorant soul of a child.

I always assume there's just 500 years of tension and conversations they've avoided, but we also never get a confirmation that they HAVEN'T had these conversations off screen anyway. So canonically, all we know is that they just had a traumatic experience and want to talk to each other.

Also canonically, they’re making another attempt at Vampire Commune and we don’t have an answer of like, will it stick this time, will it dissolve like Night Island, is it sustainable AT ALL to have a small group of the elite making rules and holding dominion over an entire culture???????? Reader’s choice lol.

But it leaves a question of like, what does returning to each other look like in this setup—they’re in touch now, they can find each other, they have cell phones, Armand can come and go at the Château as needed, Marius has a room at Trinity Gate, etc. Their relationship is civil and functional at this point. And does “returning” mean to be exclusive companions and to fuck off? Will Marius leave Court? Will Armand come and stay more often?  Idk ! 

These are questions that have 100 different answers because it’s all headcanon, but, what we know by the end of the series is that they’ve gone through something traumatic and Armand and Marius are going to talk to each other. What is that conversation about? What is the result? We don’t know. Armand is letting his FEELINGS THE FUCK OUT in this book as if he's had therapy, and Marius says he thinks Armand is ready to open his heart, if that gives us any clues! But does opening his heart mean "I am feeling vulnerable and brave to tell you how I feel because I almost lost you" or "I'm gonna read you the fuckin riot act because I did that to Lestat as well" ? lol Either way the thing here is that it's ARMAND'S decision and not about whether or not Marius left him in the past.

I think something that often goes overlooked in character discussions is their inherent inhumanity, and I really dislike the “thEyRe MonStErs” easy out of a lot of analyses, because it’s more than that. The entire purpose of the series and the reason the series was unique is that built a world where they’re MORE THAN. It’s not about simply being a monster—there’s nothing simple about it. And not being human doesn’t mean it’s all negative and all evil. What it means is that it’s Extra. They feel things on such a deeper level than we do, their brains function differently, and they’re immortal. They have all the time in the world to forgive each other when they want to, and they’re social creatures who want companions! The older you are, the scarier it is! It’s horror! Like even Marius’s relationship with Mael is so fucking special because like, as much as they put each other off, it’s like, someone they each still have, that’s been constant, and the world would look so different without them.

It just reminded me of this line in Six Feet Under (sorry I’m obsessed, I think everything always comes back to SFU for me LOL) but when Brenda says she used to think as she got older that she’d have more people in her life and that the opposite was true. So anyway for Marius like, regardless of if we want to get into selfish/selfless, Armand is one of the most important people in his life, and has been around for a quarter of Marius’s life, and nothing would be the same if Armand wasn’t around. 

And without the distraction of The Parents in the modern age I wonder if he’s like especially fragile and traumatized about losing people? Is he still traumatized by losing Pandora? And losing Armand the first time? It’s great that they have cell phones and a community now so no one gets too far from each other, but gosh.  

I don’t know what returning to each other looks like, as far as where canon left. Like, does the Château collapse? Is Daniel with them? Asking if Marius wants it is like, yeah maybe he would want Armand around Court more for moral support. And maybe if he decides to step away, and get space, maybe he would want Armand there with him as a safe place to land. When the Court inevitably collapses, will he want someone around? 

In the past, Marius tended to isolate himself in times of stress; is he still like that? Has the loss of The Parents changed this for him? Will Daniel and Armand allow him to isolate? Idk ! !!! 

But anyway sorry I’m rambling but my point about not being human and about being Extra is that there are a lot of parts in the series where vampires have a relationship or forgive each other even after they’ve deeply hurt each other or committed atrocities. Louis and Armand come to mind, so do Louis and Lestat, David and Lestat, Pandora and Santino. Even Marius calming down enough to be in his situationship with Avicus and sorta metamour to Mael. They are not human, they are capable of forgiveness. There are atrocities that humans are capable of never forgiving because we don’t have time to get over it. How can we even know how much time it takes to heal a grudge if we don’t live long enough to test it?

Even knowing that, 500 years still wasn’t enough to forgive Santino for what he did to them. Like sure if we wanna dunk on Marius and remind ourselves that he’s an arrogant self-centered jerk sometimes, and we could say that he’s mad at Santino for what he did to MARIUS—it’s not just the ego this time. He took Armand. He separated Marius and Armand. He destroyed their home. And even if they cooperated a few times in the 20th century, by the time B&G happens, he's been able to read TVA and knows what happened, what Santino did to him, what he did to the boys. (Like, did Marius read TVA? Did Armand ever tell him this privately? We don't know! But we do know that this is now been published for EVERYONE to read which is probably re-traumatizing for everyone involved and now everyone knows hajkgsdl)

So anyway, like. I know this has kinda been a non-answer because we’re talking about stuff that didn’t happen in canon and everything past BCtu is going to be our own headcanons. But I can say: Yes, Marius loves Armand deeply, and vampires are capable of incredible levels of empathy and forgiveness for each other, because their lives are too long and bleak and painful not to.

As to the idea that Marius left him in the past, personally I don’t agree! 

Marius not rescuing Armand from the cult is often misunderstood in fandom, but I could see why someone would point to that as a clue that Marius has left him in the past. It’s not that simple, though. Marius is too injured to save him, doesn’t even know if he’s alive,  and by the time he finally finds Armand he finds the cult situation too complicated to navigate. Don’t forget that Marius has pretty severe religious trauma, and is one of the characters who was turned against his will. By a cult!!! So to see Armand thriving with a cult is so triggering and disappointing, and I don’t think he’s strong enough to risk being rejected if he goes to rescue Armand only to learn he no longer wishes to be rescued. 

I would say that’s very unlike leaving him in the past, it’s more like seeing him as another one that got away. 

And then when they reunite in QOTD it’s during another extremely traumatic event in Marius’s life—we don’t know details about how everyone left Night Island or where everyone went, but what we DO know is that Marius lost The Parents—>Armand attempts suicide about a decade later—>Marius commits the big B+S Fuckup shortly after learning Armand is okay—>Marius fucks off to Scandinavia with Daniel to lick his wounds because everyone’s mad at him. 

VC skips around a LOT, and there’s so much that we don’t learn about, so much that happens between books and off screen. Like, we don’t KNOW how Marius wound up with Daniel. We don’t know exactly how much longer he stuck around in New Orleans after TVA, we don’t know what he and Armand were gonna talk about in BCtu before the series ended. And that’s the enD oF IT THERE’S NOTHING ELSE!

Marius truly doesn’t leave anything in the past, that’s the thing about him.

He’s still traumatized by the way he was turned. He still tries to sculpt his identity around what his life was as a Roman. He committed to the burden of The Parents for 2000 years, even when he was overwhelmed and wished he could stop. He spends centuries painting Pandora’s face over and over and over when he can’t find her. He still thinks Mael is a bumbling redneck from the woods. He still wanted Santino killed, even when they’d been civil with each other in QOTD and up to TVA.

And in BCtu when he’s living at Court he’s like, trying to embrace himself, allowing himself to be a weirdo because he’s around his own kind now. HE QUITS PANTS, YOU KNOW WHAT? HE ALWAYS HATED PANTS, LET’S NOT. 

I think even as humans there are so many things that shape us forever, that we never really move past. Even when we leave something in the past, it shapes us, it allows us to leave it in the past. People and events in our lives carve into us, whether we like it or not!!! And part of the horror of immortality is that it goes on, and on, and on, and on, your physical body gets hard and cold and monstrous, more and more uncanny, physically impervious, but their BRAINS AND HEARTS ARE STILL TENDER!! 

So no, no, I really don’t think Marius ever left Armand in the past. I think he left him to the cult because he thought Armand wanted it, I also think he gave Armand space after a disastrous fuckup. When he goes to speak to him at the end, he says it like ARMAND is the one that’s ready. He’s waiting for Armand! Marius was there the whole time, ready to be called upon if someone needs him! He lives to serve! 

Armand was his baby and one of the great loves of his life, the first (and only) fledgling he made because he truly wanted to. Marius loves him so much!!! 

[anavilante]

@doriennnnn

I’m absolutely terrible at saving and cataloging fics I like, so I’ll name three that I remember by heart and a couple I managed to save across various sources.

Blue by Kalenderen (@urbanspires on Tumblr). This fic and everything around it stir up so many emotions in me, which is why it will always hold the number one spot. It’s a love-hate story between actors Callum and Austin, filled with jealousy, love, anger, pain, and the constant need to pretend to be something you’re not just to get somewhere in this cruel world. It feels like someone pulled this fic straight from my own mind—I feel it with my own nerves, my soul. I don’t even know how to describe it.

But the fic’s journey hasn’t been easy. The morality police went after the guy writing it with idiotic accusations that Callum and Austin are real people and that he shouldn’t be writing about them (as if John Egan and Gale Cleven are not real people, right?!). The author initially tried changing the names (which was completely ridiculous, because Callum and Austin were still painfully obvious), then went along with the other demands of this so-called morality police, whose appetite only seemed to grow. Eventually, he just abandoned the fic altogether. There was a brief moment when it seemed like his inspiration had returned, but these disgusting vultures managed to push him to delete the story completely from AO3 and Tumblr. I feel like crying that I didn’t save at least part of what he’d written.

God, this is one of those moments when I don’t want anything to do with this fandom.

2. bite tongue, deep breaths, by uzimaki, 14K words. https://archiveofourown.org/works/55328026?view_full_work=true Omegaverse Dune fic. The author has an absolutely incredible imagination and a talent for seeing things from a different perspective. Even the names are a treat—meet AUSTIN ATREIDES and CALLUM CORRINO! Callum is the prince of Corrino, and Austin is Bene Gesserit. You have to read it—it’s fantastic!

Oh, and Austin has a vagina in this fic (beware, vagina-haters!), which is pretty much my go-to for Omegaverse where omegas can give birth naturally.

3. Such stuff as dreams are made on, by WonderGinia (@amiserableseriesofevents on Tumblr), 103K words. https://archiveofourown.org/works/55636504/chapters/141217963 An intriguing theater universe, intense slow burn. Even though I’m not a theater fan, never have been, and probably never will be, Gale in this story is incredibly compelling with his combination of psychological trauma and insecurities—he’s sensitive, vulnerable, and desperately in need of love. He’s a character I genuinely enjoy.

Normally, I’m not a fan of long fics that update once a week, because with real life happening, I tend to forget what came before, and unfinished stories start blending into an indistinguishable mess. But somehow, the stars aligned back then—I wasn’t reading many other fics, and this universe was unique enough that I remembered it well. Plus, my long comments and many questions to the author stood out to me as memorable. I rarely do that since authors usually reply briefly, clearly not interested in much discussion. But WonderGinia answered eagerly, making it engaging. Part of the story was in the written text, and the other part was what came out in the comments.

A March in April by defnotanarc

Another First (Work) by JoeyAlohaDream

below deck (Work) by consors

Darling, Make It Go Away (Work) by RambleOnWaywardSon

How to survive being the new hot teacher (By Gale Cleven) (Work) by PinkSiames

Love at second sight (Work) by WonderGinia

The Boy Next Door (Work) by JoeyAlohaDream

Do They Collide? (I Ask and You Smile) by MaShEd_P0tat_0s

feel you on my fingertips by joeyjello

My King’s Crown is made of Flowers by DonotNomi

maybe i'm amazed by teukchul

this august i began to dream of drowning (in you) by simplykayley

Lonely Traveler by RambleOnWaywardSon

'Til Death Do Us Part by RambleOnWaywardSon

Blue Days by QueenKaterina

dive for dreams by Avonne

Wait, WHAT ? by Amethyste_Blanche

And I also recommend this—check it out, you won’t regret it, even though it’s not a fic: Our Baby by V13ENYA

[burialapplicant]

From The Members to The Fans

〈 RUKI 〉

At the end he said, "I hope the GazettE will last forever," I think REITA meant he hopes the best view, that he saw from the stage in 2023, is what will continue forever.

The view he saw with the fans Your happy faces The place we could all scream together

It's a treasure that cannot be replaced.

I think he hoped it would be nice if that moment could last forever.

I remember you said you wanted to do a live show soon.

He was a kind and passionate man, someone who could openly say, "Even if something goes wrong, I have the most fun when the members get together and we can laugh like this."

I loved his honesty.

Every birthday, we jokingly tell each other that we should take care of each other's health, this year is no different.

The band will never be just the four of us. No matter what anyone says.

You are our only bassist.

I believe you will always be next to me.

Everyone will feel your presence even if they cannot see you.

REITA's life he built with the GazettE will never disappear, it will always live on.

I will continue singing so it will be as if REITA is right next to me.

We won't become the kind of the GazettE REITA would hate.

I don't want to make you sad.

I believe we all have a limited time here but the human soul remains.

REITA's, the members and mine. And the fans.

I want to continue to perform so everyone that has loved us, even when they become souls, can come to our lives forever.

It can only happen with each and every one of our fans, we can create this view that he wished to see forever.

That is why I want you to stay by my side and be there with us.

I know he would appreciate it if you remembered him with a smile, instead of sadness.

We will be determined to protect this band more than ever before.

We will make the forever that REITA wished for come true.

So, REITA, make sure to come to every live down from heaven.

There will always be a seat for you.

Things are going to be really busy now.

I will reach out again when there is a schedule made.

〈 麗 〉

To all the fans who supported REITA.

I think he was a tremendous source of support for everyone and myself. I still cannot accept and face the fact that he is no longer with us and we will not be on stage together anymore. Maybe this is one of many things I will gradually come to understand. However, I strongly feel I need to have the strength in order to move forward, if I remain in sorrow, I will not be able to guarantee the forever he wished for. I believe the path he had taken alongside everyone was invaluable and will live on in his heart, for everyone and himself for a long time to come. He has given me so much and walked beside me for so long, he will remain as my best friend forever. Please remember his words, memories and the love he shared in your hearts. REITA will live on in everyone's heart.

I want to express how grateful I am for everyone supporting the GazettE and REITA.

〈 葵 〉

Of all things after working with the members and our staff, this is the one thing I did not want to do. There were moments in the past where I almost gave up on my dream. Every time, we would have a discussion about it, the members would push and pull me to not feel discouraged. That is why the GazettE was able to keep moving forward. REITA, you are not the one to wish for eternity, you are eternal. I can't say something wise like "I'll carry your burden." I wanted to play more music with you, I wanted to see more with you. Even if it's the 5 of us surrounded by our fans, any kind of view would be amazing. I wonder, it's difficult that I have so many things to say knowing none of it will come true. Once I'm up there, I'm giving you a stern talk. You must be lonely because we're suddenly gone, so until we meet again, please rest up. I have a little more work to do here.

Thank you for joining us on this long journey. Rest in peace.

〈 戒 〉

REITA had an big presence in my life, more than I can describe; all his words, saving me with his sound, the mood maker of the band, all I remember are the fun things, and above all, the way he shined on stage.

He was the best partner to have in the rhythm group. That has not and will never change.

I want to carry his memory with me to continue the GazettE with a greater determination.

Lastly, to the fans and everyone involved in supporting us for the past 22 years. Thank you so much.

I want to continue running forward with the five of us, I hope you will stay with us.

REITA Thank you for your hard work. With everyone by our sides, we will continue to protect the GazettE...I promise.

I don't want your 22 years go to waste, there are a lot of friends who don't want that either. Don't forgot to come to the show!

Let's have another good drink together, yea?

[slackerlifeofcale]

OG!Cale is cursed too?

Now that I think about it, Cale(OG!KRS) shares the curse with White star because their souls touched when WS was reincarnating right?

This curse makes the bearer loose everything they ever cherished and we can see what happened to OG!KRS...

Now, take a deep breath and look at OG!CALE's life....Lost his mother, neglected by his father, his family feels uncomfortable around him,Ron left him without saying goodbye, His own territory's people hate him, The county was ruined, he was the lone survivor, finds out his mother's ancient power was taken by the one who murdered his family and he is only able to find peace and truly live after he leaves the world which for OG!KRS....was the factor that broke his curse!

And this is not that farfetched when you realise that WS's current body is most likely from a Thames, Cale is aa thames, They are the same age, and he most likely exchanged bodies with his soul cousin.

There must be a connection so what if it has something to do with them sharing the same blood???

(This just popped into my head and I'm open to a discussion anytime.)

[hsslilly-blog]

What kind of things do Hunt and Claire agree on as they plan to have a kid?

Like hypothetically, if your parents are a famous movie star and director, you’re gonna naturally be curious about film and tv. So maybe they say, like, you can be in the school play if you really want to, but we’re not letting you work as a child star

i think most of their conversations about it revolve around this exact topic. this ended up too long, i'm so sorry.

claire has lots of anxieties about being a mother: it is something she wants to be ("eventually... one day... in the future") but she feels very insecure about it. sometimes she thinks she's not cut for it. i think claire just fears repeating what both her parents did to her when she was a child. "planning" a child feels very weird to her, and i think it is a topic of conversation she Avoids (just like she Avoided the topic of marriage.) this is a theme in claire's character: for someone who demands clarity from her partners, she sure likes avoiding topics she finds uncomfortable. and, well, hunt does not.

so these conversations are not something she can escape from. i think it takes a while for hunt to figure out if: 1. claire wants to marry; 2. claire wants to have a child; and then, finally 3. how this is going to happen. at first claire says they shouldn't plan at all, that things are going to work out just fine. hunt tells her this is absurd. she says it's not fair to the child to have everything set in place before they're even here! hunt asks her if bringing a child into the world without any preparation is any fairer. as always, conflict moves them, so this is when they start having a productive discussion.

(it takes her a while but claire eventually understands that "planning for a child" is different from "planning their entire life ahead" and that her parents were complex individuals.)

as a former child star, claire would be terrified of putting her children in the same situation. the stress and pressure of it all, plus her dynamics with her parents (and her mother's fixation on her acting career) greatly defined her person. and she's a bit weirder because of it. i believe hunt shares her sentiment; he's more than aware how ruthless the industry can be for adults, let alone for children.

there are two things they agree very early on: their children may be interested in any art form (or whatever else they may like), but they're not going to pursue it professionally until they're old enough to understand what it means; and that the less exposition the better. the public wouldn't know grace's face until her 10th birthday. does baby #2 have a name? who knows. i think this is true of their relationship prior engagement as well.

most of all, i think they just want the kids to have a normal childhood. neither of them had one. they want the kids to explore who they are, try things out, make mistakes, etc, without fearing judgement (from them, or from others.) <- these are two overly critical people, and they know what criticism does to your soul. they don't want that to their children. so being kinder and accepting the babies as they are is also something hunt and claire agree on. learning experience.

i also believe they'd try to be present for their children. claire had her whole situation with her parents (one was Not There, the other one was only there when she was acting), and hunt had a very lonely childhood. so they agree on trying to be less weird about work. not easy for either of them! this is when claire has her... crisis. it does work out in the end. i think they're a happy little family.

[messymindofmine]

911 Lone Star Redemption Week!

Thank you @lemonlyman-dotcom for tagging me and @lonestar-s5countdown for starting this!

1)Which 911 Lone Star character redemption is your favorite?

Owen hands down. Tbh, with the exception of maybe TK, I can't think of any character that has specifically had a "redemption journey" as such. At least not in the way I would define it. Mistakes and growth is obviously a central theme of the show but I think Owen is the character that has had a series long redemption arc. And I think Owen is actually very important in what he represents. This is a man who lost his entire crew in a tragedy that quite literally changed the course of history as we know it. And that wasn't even the beginning of his trauma. He carried the guilt of his brother's death into adulthood and that guilt and trauma was compounded throughout his life. People can dismiss Owen all they want but I think that in many ways the type of representation he brings to the show is just as important as that of Tarlos, Paul, Marjan etc. What we see with him is the reality of how a lifetime of loss and trauma scars a person. And you know what? Owen is actually the ideal scenario because even at his worst, he still loves and cares for the people around him. Even his most annoying moments are borne from his desire to help others. Most of all, Owen makes sure that the people he cares about don't make the mistakes he did. Had it not been for him, who knows how Judd would have survived his PTSD? And I know people have mixed feelings on this but I think him bringing the 126 together the way he did was far more about him bringing together kindred souls who needed each other than him saving anyone. And I will never understand the people who say Owen is a bad parent because while he is obviously not perfect, nobody can deny that he loves his son more than anything in the world. And actually, that is another reason why I picked Owen for the best redemption arc. I think his redemption is so beautifully intertwined with TK's. Owen's grief and trauma obviously affected TK as a child and as he got older that childhood trauma of watching his father spiral led him down his own dark path. I think TK and Owen are the most beautiful and realistic example of a parent-child relationship not only because of how much the love each other but also how a parent's trauma can impact the child. But despite it all, they remain so close and are unafraid to openly express their love for each other.

2) Is there a character you think deserved an more of an onscreen redemption moment than we got on the show?

Hmm I don't really know. I guess I would have liked to see more discussion regarding Owen's father and how it would have felt knowing that Robert got to experience all the things Owen never did. I don't know how they would go about redeeming a dead character that we only had about 5 minutes of or if that even counts as redemption but I would be interested in exploring that more. And I would like to see TK be a part of that as well. I wish we'd gotten a scene of Owen actually telling TK about Robert.

3) Is there a recurring (or even one-time guest) "villain" that you would like to see return with a redemption arc? Or if not, is there a "villain" you absolutely would not want to see get a redemption?

I know he did kind of get redeemed in s3 but I wouldn't be opposed to seeing Billy Tyson again. Actually, I think it would be interesting to see him now after everything. Now that he and Owen have reached a truce and there is no more rivalry over the firehouse, what is Billy doing? Are he and Judd still in touch? Has he retired? I'd be interested to know what's going on with him now.

4) Are there any unresolved conflicts from the first four seasons that you wish were reconciled onscreen?

I know that the popular answers to this are usually the Push arc or 4x01-4x04 and I totally agree with both of those but for the sake of the post, I'm going to go with something different. I wish we'd gotten to see more of Mateo coming to terms with what happened to his cousin and how it impacted his family. He carried that guilt of his cousin going to jail for the first time to cover for him but we don't know what his relationship with the rest of his family is like as a result. Do they even know that Marvin was just covering for Mateo? Do they blame him for the path that Marvin took? Did Mateo see or talk to them after Marvin's death? All we got onscreen was his cousin calling to tell him that Marvin was dead. I just found that storyline interesting because it added depth to Mateo while also connecting two separate characters played in different shows by the same actor in a really fun way.

5) Which character would you like to have a more developed backstory?

Nancy. As things are now, she is the only one who we really don't know anything about for sure. I like that LS doesn't do "Begins" episodes the way 911 OG does because I prefer how we have slowly gotten more backstory for the characters and there is still more about all of them that we don't know but I would like to have some solid backstory for Nancy. We do know she has a sister and she was picked on in school. I feel like that could be potentially interesting and allow us to see how she ended up as a paramedic. Maybe she was a science geek and ended up performing first aid on a classmate which inspired her. Maybe her sister has a chronic illness and she was inspired by helping take care of her. She resuscitated that woman against her will so I feel like there is a strong basis for the latter theory.

As always, I'm going to leave this an open tag and invite anyone who wants to participate to do so. And if anyone wants me to tag them, please let me know!

[readingcoco]

TW: eating disorders, recovery

Hello, I don't normally make posts like this but I feel ✨compelled✨

I am a 31 year old lady and I rejoined this website last year to scream into the void about Arthur Morgan (which I have very much done) but I have also made amazing friends and started writing, a hobby I had never considered before, in part because of how inspired I was by the people around me. All of which was unexpected.

The last time I was on this website was over a decade ago, when I was 17 and things were very very different. I was here primarily to find community with other people who were in the depths of their eating disorders, just like I was. It made me feel less alone but it also made me sicker in many ways that I still struggle with today. The only way I was able to find recovery was from removing myself from those spaces and thus leaving this website and others like it for the next 14 years.

I bring this up because I have just come across someone with an ED focused blog interacting with some of my posts. I'm not trying to shame anyone, certainly not the person, because if they are anything like me back then I can only empathize with the level of pain and self hatred they are experiencing. But I can't deny it made me feel weird. And it constantly shocks me that even 14 years into my recovery journey I can still feel unbelievably triggered by discussions of goal weights, calorie counting and thinspo pics 😬

I'm not sure what the point of this post is really, maybe just to articulate the complicated mix of feelings I had towards it. But it did make me think that the biggest thing that I was looking for back then was community, I felt so lonely and thought a space built on the shared experience of being depressed and starving would help ease that loneliness in some way. It in fact had the opposite impact. We were just making each other sicker and I lost more than one friend during that period.

I wish I had found fandom back then instead, which is all about joy and creation, even though many of the people participating are experiencing many of the same issues. It forces you to connect around shared excitement rather than struggle and feeds the soul rather than starves it.

[bootstrapparadoxed]

Happy STS! What part of your story has been your favourite to write, or what part are you looking forward to most? (feel free to share a snippet 👀) - @trixierosewrites

I'm gonna answer for FrankensteinWIP because I think I answered a similar question about Up the Entropic Hill at some point (but I am to lazy to find that ask,,, maybe I'll do it later).

So far my favorite part to write was a long conversation that Kristian and Leith have at one point in the story because it is basically the moment Kristian falls in love. He doesn't know that in the scene, and he probably wouldn't be able to point to that conversation as that moment in retrospect either, but that is how I see it. And the scene has some fantastic dialogue in it, in my opinion at least. I'll include a small bit at the end.

And the part I'm looking forward to writing the most is the actual horror! There's going to be some very disturbing and unsettling scenes in this book and I want to get to them so bad. The story takes a while to get there because I am spending thousands of words to set up the relationship properly but I hope it will be worth it in the end.

Snippet under the cut:

By the time we were both too sore to keep walking up and down the shore, the streets were rapidly emptying of visitors. I glanced at the lock screen of my phone; it was fairly close to midnight.

“Don’t you need to go home?” I asked, once we picked a bench to rest on. “Get some sleep?”

“This is my normal routine,” he responded. “I don’t sleep much.”

“You’re a night owl, too?”

He did not confirm nor deny that, gaze drifting away into the distance. I decided not to push it further.

My leg bounced on the ground while my eyes passively scanned my surroundings: the air after-rain fresh, the sky cloudy and starless. Occasionally some drunken British tourists would pass by our bench, their booming voices carried an impressive distance. Apart from us, the only living soul around was a lone figure of a fisherman, stood knee deep in water a hundred or so meters away. Having concluded most of our discussion threads, we landed in a silent interlude. The conversation, though exhilarating, wasn’t exactly easy. Leith and I agreed on very little, and constantly changed our minds when presented with compelling arguments. Increasingly, I felt like my head was full of warm scrambled eggs.

“So yes.” Leith said, after a solid few minutes of utter silence.

“Yeah,” I agreed. We both shared a moment of laughter. “That was… yeah.” Suddenly, I blushed. I felt like we had just hooked up in the supply closet at the institute and were hurriedly dressing each other, afraid of being busted by a cleaner or a curious undergrad.

“You don’t have much people to talk to,” he told me – a statement, not a question. “And you are so, so bored. Even in this program, even surrounded by scientists. You’re so bored, it must be excruciating.”

“I think I am lonely more than I am bored,” I suddenly confessed. Up until a few minutes ago, I did not know this about myself. Feelings were a rare occurrence, and it usually took me days if not weeks to identify them. “All my classmates graduated and moved, and I don’t get along with younger PhD students. I don’t… connect to people particularly well.”

“What about your family?” Leith leaned back in the bench, looking away from my face.

“I haven’t spoken to anyone in years,” I responded calmly. “They did not take well to me being queer.”

“Ah.”

“Not that I got along with them much before coming out. My dad is a recovering alcoholic who did not get his shit together until most of his family stopped associating with him. He’s yet to gain back their trust. My mother did not want to have me, I think; I spent my childhood listening to her lament on how terribly my basic needs interfered with her work. And my grandparents, who basically raised me, thought it would be kind to bully me for my weirdness before my classmates did. Being disowned felt almost like being released from the obligation to like them. Still, that was my entire financial safety net I lost.”

“Did you know that living alone has comparable health effects to smoking?” he asked, in a very matter-of-fact voice. “They say the same about breathing the air in Krakow, so I must be at death’s door by now. Even now that I quit the actual smoking.”

I blinked, unsure of how to react. The remark felt like a dagger to the back.

“Unfortunately I can’t quit either Krakow or being alone,” I muttered.

“Oh,” his voice changed in a split second, “I didn’t mean to say you made yourself lonely on purpose. Really. The opposite. Actually,” he gave a nervous chuckle, “it was a, well, an attempt of a…” he made brief eye contact with me, and I could have sworn he seemed almost panicked. “Never mind,” he waved his hand, dismissing the topic. “Let’s just pretend I did not say that.”

[ineffable-endearments]

Mort by Terry Pratchett

According to his response to an ask on Tumblr, one of Neil's favorite books by Terry is Thief of Time. It's the last in the Death series, and the Death series is one of my favorites, so I'm reading/rereading all of them in order, starting with Mort, which was originally published in 1987. A year before I even existed. Three years before Good Omens was published.

Here are some vague thoughts.

A tiny note: while I enjoy the central premise of Mort a great deal, it's got some humor based in racial stereotyping (think Klatchians speaking in overly formal terms and discussing "honor" in a way used to stereotype Eastern cultures on Earth). Fortunately, none of it matters to the plot, but if you find stereotypes frustrating or triggering, you should know they're in the book.

Super simplified summary with spoilers:

Mort is an awkward, thoughtful young man who can't seem to find anywhere to belong in his own community. However, Death decides he wants an apprentice and chooses Mort. Mort meets Ysabell, Death's adopted daughter, instantly disliking her just as she dislikes him. Mort also meets Albert, Death's mysterious servant. Death leaves Mort with the reaping duties while Death curiously explores what human lives and pleasure are about and reveals himself to be rather lonely.

At one point, Mort finds out that Ysabell has been reading people's life stories in Death's domain and leaving their books out when she isn't supposed to; however, realizing this is a sensitive issue for Ysabell, he conceals this fact and takes the blame for it instead, which endears him to her. It turns out Ysabell has been reading about young women's lives on the Disc because she doesn't get to have a proper social life here in Death's domain.

While on the job as the Reaper, Mort tries to save a princess named Keli, whom he is attracted to, when he discovers that she is about to die; he chooses to reap the soul of her assassin instead. But because Keli's death has already been fated, her survival leads to an awkward alternate reality situation, which can only last so long before she dies anyway. Mort and Ysabell frantically attempt to find a way to save the princess for real. During this adventure, Mort bonds with Ysabell, and Keli bonds with a wizard, Cutwell, whom she has enlisted to try to help her be crowned before her imminent death. Most of all, Keli does not want to die without being officially crowned queen. Meanwhile, Mort is slowly being taken over by a part of Death and risks losing himself.

Mort also discovers that Albert is an extremely old wizard who has stayed close to Death as a servant in an attempt to avoid actually dying. While Mort is trying to save Keli, Albert in fact betrays Death, getting a bunch of Unseen University wizards to try to summon and bind Death as an attempt for Albert to escape his servitude and live on the Disc again. However, the summoning just brings Death back to himself after his adventures in human society (he's not happy about this). It also restores Mort to normal, as it summons the portion of Death that was taking over Mort, too. The Unseen University's Librarian keeps Albert from escaping and Death takes him up as a servant once again, seemingly oblivious to Albert's betrayal.

Eventually, it is too late; Keli isn't crowned as queen, reality closes in on them, and they all end up back in Death's realm, facing a Death who has learned about Mort's attempt to tamper with fate and is very angry. They have a duel, and Death wins. However, when Mort points out that he actually understands now what it's like to be Death, Death decides to ask the gods to change fate, so that Mort and the princess both survive. Ysabell has fallen in love with Mort, and he in turn falls in love with her, and they get married. Although wizards can't formally get married, Keli and Cutwell also get together, with Cutwell as "Master of the Queen's Bedchamber."

Themes:

Here are some interesting themes in Mort, each of which charmed me and reminded me a bit of Good Omens in one way or another. Some of them are reminiscent because of their similarities, and some of them are reminiscent because of their stark differences, but they're all fun and interesting.

An immortal being who exists on a scale that is incomprehensible to us humans (that's Death) becomes fascinated by mortal life. He tries a lot of things before discovering that he really loves being a cook at a restaurant.

This immortal being, though well-intended, exerts control over mortal lives in a way that isn't fair or healthy; in the end, though, he puts it right.

"True love" is unexpected and quiet and most of the intimate moments are left to imagination. And yet, by the end of the story, that love is also undeniable.

We've got a situation where a human is trying to take on a cosmic role, and the role starts instead to take over him; the more of Death's job Mort does, the more he begins to embody Death. Ultimately, Mort doesn't triumph over or control this - the Death aspect is removed from him by Albert's summoning spell. Meanwhile, the more Death lives as a human, the more human-like he becomes.

Our immortal being puts in a good word with the gods for our mortal protagonists and succeeds in changing their fates.

Death's loneliness is a recurring issue that comes up. It seems like one of the things that makes him fascinated by humans is their social lives, which he tries to emulate. The moment that seems to push Death to ask the gods for a reprieve for the mortals is Mort pointing out that he may in fact understand how Death feels about reaping.

With that said, the characters' motivations are allowed to drive the story without always being bluntly stated. You can see them, clear as daylight, outlined by the way they define the action, but just as real people don't stand around declaring their intentions, the characters don't say everything they're thinking and feeling. I think this is the standard in both Terry Pratchett's and Neil Gaiman's work, but I'm feeling compelled to mention it.

Ultimately, both Mort and Death are struggling with their "places" and feelings of loneliness. Spending time in each other's roles gives them much-needed perspective. This perspective does not cause them to leave their former roles on the Disc (human and anthropomorphic personification, respectively), but it helps rejuvenate their approaches.

Mort starts the book lonely and lacking in conviction; he figures he might as well become Death's apprentice because he has no other options. Through his adventures as Death's apprentice, Mort bonds with people who are every bit as lonely as he is and gains conviction about the kind of person he wants to be, making a place for himself on the Disc.

Meanwhile, Death starts the book curious about human pleasures, and just when he is beginning to understand them, he is torn away. As a result of this rude reminder that he's outside of human life, Death starts his final confrontation feeling rigid and insistent that fate is written and he must enforce it. It's the very moment Death realizes Mort, a human, might be able to understand him - he isn't completely alone - that he decides to go ahead and ask the gods to change Mort and his friends' fates. It's both understanding and feeling understood that make the difference.

Tying it back to Good Omens:

Naturally, Death of Discworld is an immortal fascinated by humanity, and so are Aziraphale and Crowley. That's a pretty core similarity. So, of all the differences between their places in their narratives, what are the most substantive?

I'd suspect that it is reasonable for Death to remain outside of human society because he represents a real force of nature, an essential part of the universe that life as we know it can't exist without. On the other hand, I think Aziraphale and Crowley have been given contrived jobs; I don't believe the core of the Good Omens narrative holds that it is necessary to split people into Sides, so it makes more sense for there to be upheaval in Heaven and Hell, and for Aziraphale and Crowley to choose not to do their jobs.

Those are my main thoughts for now. The two works really do share thoughtful themes of mortality and love, flavored, of course, with charming absurdity.

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog 8: Episode 5, AKA the one where we discuss Kerubim's dead family again

Since I made pointing out the food they eat A Thing we do here, let's start out with that for this episode.

First of all, their household is so fish-centric. An octopus? A lobster?? A different lobster and a fish?? Plus, multiple bags, one under the lobster, and one under the giant veggie on top of Joris's other veggies. Probably some grain, I guess. Simone is also carrying some greens in a bag.

Basically... Man, they love fish and veggies, I guess?

Yet again, we see Kerubim's low self esteem and need for validation in action.

Yes, he thinks he's amazing. Yes, he uses magic to force people to laugh at his jokes. And yes, it makes him very happy and proud.

Don't worry about it. :)

I find it kind of interesting that Joris is resistant to the magic, but the simplest explanation is that his soul is intermixed with a dragon. I won't think too much about this.

Joris should have a salary for the way Kerubim's reputation hinges on him not talking about the shit that goes on in their house.

Like the deadly swords and cursed items everywhere. Or having mold and rotting meat at every corner for his whole life.

Considering that bamboo milk is alcoholic, I am fascinated by the in-universe implications of this line.

I wish boil-able, alcoholic oat milk was real.

The best way to get Kerubim to do something stupid is to make fun of him. Again, his low, low self-esteem making an appearance.

Genuinely, instead of being at the bar, he should have been in therapy.

Very small note, but we can see an amputee among the many patrons who listen to Kerubim's scary drunken rambling. I wish more cartoons included this sort of thing.

Though, this might be a bit of a brick-joke, considering what we learn about YeCh'Ti and his arm collection.

COUGH COUGH COUGH. ANALYSIS EVENT LEVEL 10 ALARM WEE WOO WEE WOO.

Firstly, god. The sheer insanity of going from his child self's grief and pain over losing both of his parents, all of his sisters and brothers, to making jokes about this, jokes about having no family and being lonely.

Is it really funny to you, Keke? Or are you just pretending again?

Second of all... I could talk for hours about how much I love/despise this man, but fuck, the sheer level of cruelty in this line knows no bounds.

Are you really The Last Crepin in your family, Keke?

Or are you just being cruel and facetious again?

Cruel, and towards the only other person in the whole world who would understand what you went through, because he also went through it?

(This is, yet again, your signal to go read The Wheel of Destiny #8: Kerub Crepin and Dessous De Dofus)

No wonder Atcham wants to turn him into a coat. I would fucking hate him too.

Though, with Atcham kind of using his hate for him as a coping mechanism for not having control in his life, and canonically not thinking that Kerubim really... mistreated him, when they were young, it's far more complex than that.

Especially with the way Kerubim's own conflicted feelings on their relationship are portrayed in-canon.

I'm so normal about them. Haha.

...Aaaanyway, onto the rest of the ep, while trying to pretend this doesn't make me feel all sorts of emotions:

This moment is a continuity error, because Ogrest hasn't started his quest for Dofus yet. Also, he may not even be alive yet. Yes, Kerubim and Joris are that old.

It's too cute of an easter egg for me to mind, though.

God. Joris needs better loved ones. His standards are so low he's looking at Kerubim like 🥺

Something-something Kerubim would genuinely kill himself if it meant people thought he was funny and cool.

I don't think he learned anything from this, actually.

I think we have to kill this guy with hammers.

[otemporanerys]

A playlist for my species swap Shakarian fan fic set during Mass Effect 2

The playlist | The fic

Liner notes below the cut (tw discussions of suicide)

Happiness is a Warm Gun - The Breeders

I always like to start my playlists with something to set the mood - this is definitely an atmosphere song. I also like using covers for species swap, and a different one kicks off the ME3 playlist lol if I ever get around to writing that. The defamiliarisation sets up the AU

2. In the Wake of Your Leave - Gang of Youths

OK so technically tracks 2 and 3 are cheating because they're actually for Interregnum, leave me alone

Anyway! Sad bangers are my jam, and I wanted something that conveyed the grief of losing someone, but giving the energy a bit of a kick after the Breeders song

3. I Don't Smoke - Mitski

I'm a basic bitch who loves Mitski, what can I say?

No, this song is for the Gareth sad spiral (TM) and for the fact that sad smoking is cool, actually (don't @ me)

4. Peel - Weakened Friends

This is a Shepherd song, you know, the beginning of her terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad nervous breakdown.

There was an earlier version of LBEL which was much more actively about Shepherd trying to bring Cerberus down from the inside: but actually now I think the lyrics speak much more to Shepherd feeling like she always has to fit the mold of the pragmatic, practical soldier

5. Toy Soldier - The Menzingers

This is thee Garrus song, sorry I don't make the rules. The lost friends! Carrying on despite that loss!!! Dutyyy

6. Wicked Game - Chris Isaak

Gareth is kind of an old soul, which is why his songs lean slightly more retro - and just the deep well of yearning in this song always gets me. It's very much his feelings after Shepherd saves him, loving her and wishing he didn’t

7. Born to Lose - Sleigh Bells

I primarily associate this song with Shepherd being discarded by the Hierarchy and the struggles she has with knowing protocol is to kill herself

8. You've Got to Hide Your Love Away - The Beatles

Gareth: conceal, don't feel 😢 I have always loved this song and it's very much Gareth knowing that he can't be open about his feelings

9. Quitter - Weakened Friends

More good mental health time for Shepherd, excellent. I don’t mind repeating artists in my playlists but I do tend to keep it to one

10. Bullet with Butterfly Wings - The Smashing Pumpkins

The one thing I am actually a snob about with playlists is not using too many "popular" songs, but I did like this one for Horizon. Shepherd's really starting to spiral here, folks

11. Anybody (Stripped) - Dead Sara

Horizon sex, Shepherd POV. She's so lonely in this fic, really longing for connection, and this song is the words she doesn't know how to say

12. Baby I Got the Death Rattle - Los Campesinos!

Horizon sex, Gareth POV

This is one of those songs that doesn't start as a blorbo song, but if you tell me you've heard a lyric that's more "Garrus Vakarian down bad" than "Baby I got the death rattle and baby I got it bad | I've been digging my own grave for quite some time when I'm not digging up the past" then I would love to hear it

13. Bedroom Eyes - Dum Dum Girls

One of my favourite bits of LBEL is the quiet intimacy that Gareth and Shepherd have when they're sleeping together, and this song reflects that

14. Hopeless - Screaming Females

Shepherd dumping Gareth because she likes him too much 😭 I'm fine. The lyrics and the vocals are so plaintive, again the emotions Shepherd won't allow herself to express

15. Something Bigger, Something Brighter - Pretty Girls Make Graves

This isn't a terribly literal inclusion, it's a good angsty-sounding song for where Shepherd's at post-breakup

16. Heavy Metal Heart - Sky Ferreira

This is just. Shepherd's song 💖 I love it, and her

17. Apocalypse Now (&Later) - Laura Jane Grace & the Devouring Mothers

This is a great Mass Effect 2 song more broadly but man is it perfect for Gareth and Shep reuniting just before the suicide mission!!!

18. The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails

Fuck Cerberus, part 1. There just is not a better song for being done with someone else's bullshit

19. Search and Destroy - Peaches

Fuck Cerberus, part 2 (or, how Shepherd got her groove back). Peaches always has such brilliant swagger and I adore this cover - Shepherd coming back into her own power and recognising how dangerous (and unpredictable) she can be

20. I Would Find You - Oceanator

I adore this song, the softness and kindness at the end of the world. It's really the thesis statement of the fic, and a promise for Gareth and Shepherd going forward, even through the hard times. It was the perfect grace note to end on

[34saveme34]

I kinda expressed that with my opinion on why I don't think marware is abusive

and I genuinely think it has the most potential

but I really don't. think that other pairings are as bad as some people put them

as in, calling them proship

like I said it before, you can make any ship problematic if you try hard enough

like I'm specifically talking about 3ware here

I don't ship it, obviously I sold my soul to marware but

it genuinely does have potential and I think if you'd take it in the right direction, it could be really nice

especially cuz they could end up relating to each other over feeling lonely cuz 3 was very much lonely before he joined the crew

also just. your plans not working out

It would be very interesting if 3 turned out to be the guy to help Puzzles get redeemed or something and I feel like with those 2 the theatre nerd that I just. can't believe isn't there inside 3 would come out

I think it would be really fun, if stuff went in a positive way, they could be friends in my eyes

and before you're like, ugh, but Puzzles did Bad Things and that is hilarious because 3 did some BAAD things too and if you think that bad people can't change well- feel free to join Thomas Astruc, I think director of Miraculous Ladybug who said that Chloe, a 15 year old girl can't be redeemed because she'll always be mean or whatever, although this is a more extreme example

but yeah I'm tired of pretending 3 didn't do shit and that maybe in some aspects 34 absolutely had some vibes where you could've shipped it in a toxic way. so are THEY proship now because there's the possibility of them being in a toxic relationship? I mean, I did see someone on twitter say that that they would be (ughh)

also like. I know, we like healthy relationships but... the toxicity can be one hell of a drug, even while yknow, knowing that hey, this isn't like, couple goals, but you can OBVIOUSLY still explore relationships like that without making it your ideal

like I describe The Hunt thing with marware, with Mario chasing Puzzles till the end of the Earth to get his Entertainment

like. that's OBVIOUSLY not a healthy relationship but it's still fun to think about and discuss. I think yandere shit also has like, the same appeal

and all the while, I'm actually kind of a collected person in a happy relationship where I practice openness and looking out for boundaries like a normal fucking person. while I sometimes look at not entirely happy or healthy ships and admire their dynamic in a character studying way

like I think some of yall need to put down the pitchfork about Puzzles ships, block some tags, ask people to tag ship (which is why I tag marware btw!! I'm thinking about people and their comfort because I know not everyone likes it even if that's kind of sad to think about!)

so yeah like, chill out, let people ship weird things

this is also not to say that I condone like, noncon or any of the sort, I just want to say in case someone starts to think that

I'm just saying that when someone ships 4ware and makes art of them being evil together maybe you should just block the ship's tag if it makes you feel so uncomfortable instead of going on the person's post and accusing them of vile things and telling them to end their life