#just bc it didnt scare you in the way you thought it was supposed to does not mean it is overhyped!

[stevethehairington]

people shitting all over a movie bc it doesn't live up to the "scariest movie you'll ever see" hype is SOOOO stupid. like hello ever horror movie EVER uses that line as part of their marketing. you absolutely cannot put THAT much stake into that. be so serious.

[itsalwaysdark]

i do need 2 work on rewiring my brain so that my immediate very first thought whenever i dont do a small task (like brushing ny teeth taking a shower picking up my room etc) isnt 'We Should Kill Connor ." this would be pretty good for me to do. putting this on the list

[madame-fear]

Okay but like am I the only one that thrives on angst?? Because imagine if Jacaerys and his young wife, who he by the way only married for the support of The Arryns, had marriage problems because there’s always been tension between her and Baela (just an idea, I love my Baela bc she’s my girl!!) as Jacaerys was supposed to be married to her instead..and might I mention that reader was shipped off to Dragonstone by herself to give birth to her son and she’s been alone and scared all the time, until she’s brought back to Kingslanding after her mother in-law, Queen Rhaenyra, finally claimed back the throne with a peace treaty between the Hightowers. His wife is so so shy and alone because she’s only used to being with their baby, and Jacaerys is just absolutely worried for her because he hasn’t visited her at all due to his duties as heir and it just so happens that his wife thinks he hates herr 💔💔 (this was a bit long..but idk)

𐙚 𝐐𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐀 𝐉𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐀𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐆𝐎𝐍.

ೀ amira speaks.ᐟ : the so awaited Arryn reader fic is here !! Hope it was what you expected, and overall enjoy it! Thought this was longer than 3.6k words! 😭🤲💗 ˗ˏˋ ꒰ summary : ∿ request above! ˗ˏˋ ꒰ word count : 3.6k

˗ˏˋ ꒰ genre : angst to fluff. ˗ˏˋ ꒰ pairing : Jacaerys Velaryon x Arryn!Wife!Reader.

After many years of a long, nearly never ending war, it had finally subsided— bringing peace for once and for all. It had been the same war that provoked the death of innocent people, and the one responsible for your marriage with Prince Jacaerys, as well.

A rather complex marriage, you’d say it was— though, it was an engagement that could only be expected. Betrothals and marriages had never been done for the sake of genuine love, but only for the sake of allies & tying deeper bonds between the Houses; helplessly falling in forced, unhappy marriages.

There had been little to no time for any of you two to establish some sort of proper relationships between each other. It worked as an engagement with the sole purpose of gaining support from House Arryn amidst the war with the Greens. “A betrothal, in exchange for support”, and it served with it’s purpose as it should in a way, you guessed.

Except, for the looming tension that came along your marriage.

Jace’s previous betrothal to Lady Baela, firstborn daughter of the Rogue Prince, wasn’t unbeknownst to you; a betrothal that had to be broken off when you appeared in the picture, as the support from the Arryns would be placed as number one priority— with Jacaerys marrying you as the one and only condition for yet another ally. It was inconvenient, but very much needed.

The growing tension between you and his previous betrothed notoriously loomed in the air as soon as you both met one another— being presented with little to no words from Baela, and most of the time, all the endless attempts you did in order to establish a good relationship with her, were dismissed; thrown into the wind, as you were given a cold stare, with no words said... Being walked right past, left ignored.

Often times, you could feel her contemptuous stare fixed on you, each time you were sat next to Jacaerys.

Solitude had leisurely grown as a frequent monster lurking in your surroundings. “I can’t do anything about it, I can’t act as an intermediary to your relationship.” was the strict response given to you by your future Lord Husband, when speaking your mind regarding how the Lady Baela gave you a cold shoulder, despite the constant friendliness you had to offer.

Jacaerys didn’t seem to care much at all. You swore that the eldest Velaryon prince was as indifferent towards you, as his previous betrothed was— maybe, he even resented you for breaking off his already arranged betrothal. And you couldn’t say you didnt understand the situation, however.

Years of having known, trusted, each other, growing by each other’s side... Having their betrothal arranged for years— you could even silently observe the way in which they gazed at each other, occasionally. All of that had only been for it to turn into ash & dust when the time to seek support from allies had come.

But what other choice did you have, except none at all? Had you any blame, at all? Were you truly the one at fault? The growing solitude and the hefty weight of guilt was nearly asphyxiating. You felt desperately trapped in an escapeless labyrinth, being fully aware of how you had no one at all to release each one of your thoughts to— with your betrothed often giving you a cold shoulder as well, or simply, being far too engaged in his duties. Each private conversation, managed to quickly be dismissed; you had been forced to be kept to yourself, in a way.

All for a war between kin. All for the sake of allies. And you, right in the middle of it all.

Things hadn’t grown to become any better at all by the time you fell pregnant with your first child— with his child. Much less considering it was all still under the looming tension of war felt in the atmosphere.

Dragonstone had become your temporary home; one you had been sent to all by yourself, still being with child. Taking proper care of yourself throughout your pregnancy had been a difficult task, considering how the general situation provoked a constant state of fright and concern to you. Alone, with no one else to rely on; finding mere solace in talking to yourself... Or, rather, talking quietly to your unborn child.

It wasn’t exactly the healthiest thing for the fragile conditions you were mentally experiencing— it simply deepened that inner void, those bitter feelings of loneliness; poisoning you slowly with every quiet tear you dropped late at night in your chambers, after holding on to the knot that formed on your throat during the day.

The rocky castle had been the same place where you had birthed your child— a healthy boy, much to your fortune. Something that the Gods had finally graced you with. And that grace was, providing an heir for your husband... Though, you had given birth to your babe in the mere company of a few maids, and maesters. Your own mother-in-law couldn’t be there by your side, as much as she deeply desired to. Your own husband, with his duties as Rhaenyra’s heir, couldn’t assist, either— and much less, your own blood.

The Gods have a strange way of treating you, you thought. Blessing you with an heir to your husband, and, simultaneously, remaining to provide you with solitude throughout the entire way.

Not long passed after you gave birth, that war had finally subsided, moving from Dragonstone to King’s Landing with a small babe in your arms. Queen Rhaenyra had made peace treaty with the Greens, allowing her to claim her birthright, the Iron Throne, for once and for all— bringing a wave of relief, tossing aside a hefty weight burdening you.

Of course, just one small bit of a burdening weight had been removed from your life, and you dared to say, it was the most important heaviness lingering on the atmosphere— yet, you still had your own issues to solve. Moving all by yourself with a small baby boy towards the Red Keep wasn’t an easy task either, it simply stirred the occasional anxiety you suffered, along with bitter loneliness.

Those series of events happened in, what you considered, to be such a short time lapse— barely allowing you to process your wedding ceremony, the looming tension between you and his previous betrothed, not being able to have properly bonded with your husband as you married for mere alliances, having very little bonding with your mother-in-law, living in a whole different place from one day to another, having a babe, and moving once again this time with your child after the peace treaty...

... And you could keep naming each, and every single one of the little things that provoked an asphyxiating knot on your throat; one you had to bitterly swallow and keep to yourself. How could you not be overwhelmed with the circumstances?

You had grown used to being alone, with only the company of your little boy to keep your sanity hanging from a fragile, fraying thread. You briefly, and very feebly managed to interact with the rest of the members of House Targaryen— but you never throughoutly engaged in a deeper bond with them, or were often seen walking around the large halls, once the war had finished and you moved to the Red Keep.

The war had passed immediatly after the peace treaty with the Hightowers. No usurper on the Throne, no more dead men and innocent people— and all the burden you carried behind of you now, was that of the lurking solitude haunting you. It was just your small, sweet boy and you to spend time together; the one whom you found some warmth, despite still being practically a babe. Though, you couldn’t occasionally help but long for the company of anyone else from your new family.

At the present moment, you spent time on your private chambers. your little boy rested on your lap, as you quietly sat on the ground. On his hand, was a dragon wooden toy which he played with— making some cooing sounds. He had been your only companion for the moment, managing to spare you from any feelings of loneliness from the moment you had learned you were with child, being the one you often spoke to despite not receiving back an answer.

A faint grin graced your lips, with your hand gently caressing the back of his hair. You craned your head gently, releasing a soft chuckle at the sight of your boy engaged into his own world. You both were almost headed to sleep, but you preferred to spend some more time together— enjoying the quietness of the night, and the peace that came along.

The stillness looming in the atmosphere had been interrupted by a soft knock sounding twice against the wooden doors of your chambers. Raising your sight curiously as your boy remained playing in your lap with the wooden dragon toy. Not often having many visitors at the late hours of the night, you softly muttered “Come in.”

The door was gently swayed, revealing to be your Husband the one who knocked, closing the door behind him— which, it wasn’t a common occurence, for him to visit you in your chambers. The constant duties of the eldest Velaryon prince, on his role of being his mother’s heir to the Throne, were more than time-consuming; occupying the entirety of his attention.

But of course, with you being his wife, mother of his son, having shared little to nothing — plus having married only for alliances — and having some previous marriage problems regarding his broken betrothal, could only burden his thoughts. You had done an important effort to be a proper wife to him, one that couldn’t pass unnoticed.

You married to support what his mother fought for, you managed the notorious tension there was between you and his previous betrothed— you had given him a son, birthing all by yourself, and moved to Dragonstone, and then the Red Keep all by yourself, as well; only for him to spend his days focused on what was asked of him, leaving little time to even pay you and your baby son a short visit.

Guilt was overriding him in a constant, haunting manner. It was only natural for Jacaerys to be consumed by his preoccupied feelings towards you. Perhaps, you didn’t often engage or bond together in a convenient way, and you might’ve had troubles before when it came to discussing about your uneasy relationship with Lady Baela— but that didn’t mean he didn’t love you, much less notice your strenght in every sense.

It was only fair to show his appreciation, and his concern for your wellbeing.

“Hope I’m not troubling both of you with my presence?” Jace said in a lighthearted manner, with a faint grin appearing on his rosy lips, tilting his head briefly. His presence had been quite a surprise for you, and that expressed on the looks in your features, along with some tension in the air— not being used to being visited by Rhaenyra’s heir, your husband. Which, if anything, it deepened the looming guilt on him.

You shook your head gently, looking down at your son timidly, using your index finger to delicately caress him on his cheek. “Not at all, we were spending some time before heading to sleep.” you muttered in response. “Is anything the matter? Has something happened?” you inquired with slight concern, furrowing your eyebrows, lifting your gaze once again, staring into his dark coffee eyes. The innocence on your features were most beloved by him, managing to properly appreciate them as, now, it was just the two of you in the room— no duties in between, no one else to bother you.

Jacaerys shook his head. “Nothing’s the matter, fortunately.” he answered, with a tone of relief. His lips frowned for a split second, thoroughly processing his words before continuing. “I... Simply wished to pay you, and our son, a visit— as I haven’t been able to do so lately with my duties as my mother’s heir.” his eyes lingered on the ground shyly, before returning to stare at your own. “I wanted to know if you were doing alright as well, and if you felt comfortable around, of course.”

The expressions on your face softened leisurely. “Oh,” your lips partly opened in surprise, stuttering for a moment, before closing them rather quickly. You had been momentarily taken aback by his unexpected statement, as you had never shared a private moment like this with him before. It had been a situation you would have never guessed you would ever experience, yet, here you were— and it felt as if the world surrounding you stopped for a second.

You swallowed thickly, looking down over your boy, who stared at his father, and then at you. “Keep playing with your toys, my love. I will be right back.” pressing a smooch on your son’s forehead, you carefully moved him so he would sit on the rug decorating the room beneath both of you. A wide, almost toothless smile graced his features, before continuing to play with his own toys as you stood, and approached Jace.

It was almost admirable how much of a dedicated, loving mother you were, Jace thought to himself, staring at the scene— with a grin helplessly increasing on the corner of his lips. Your hands turned into fists, meekly fidgeting with the fabric of your dress. You almost couldn’t stare at him in the eyes, allowing him to notice as well a growing fluster in your cheeks.

“I-I’m... Doing quite alright.” the words came off whispered, and stuttered, from your lips, “We have been managing together all this time, after the war.” you mentioned, staring at your boy — who was absorbed into his own innocent world — before returning to stare at Jacaerys. “Thank you... For asking.” the eldest Velaryon smiled sweetly at you, noticing how you very faintly stared at him in the eyes.

“I’m quite relieved to hear so.” he replied back, in a low, casual tone, continuing to offer a kind grin to you as his eyes guided themselves towards his baby boy playing in the background. Brief moments of awkward silence passed, with a palpable tension in the atmosphere.

You had been given little time — to not say , none at all — to bond with each other, before your wedding ceremony. You knew nothing about one another, and it could only be expected that you would be awkward in each other’s presence. But now that the war had ended, the possibility of engaging in a proper, sweet manner with each other was now given. You could softly hear Jace take a deep breath, before continuing to talk with you.

“I came to visit you to offer my apologies, as well.” furrowing your eyebrows, your stare darted at his own— which lingered on the ground, noticing a rosy taint beginning to cover his cheeks. “What for?” it was a rather innocent ask, or at least, Jace considered it to be that way. With a lingering guilt that weighed constantly on him, offering his apologies felt very little with everything he actually owed you, after all the things you had done for him.

The heir nibbled on his lower lip for a moment, allowing himself to properly process in words each and every single little thing he had to thank you, and apologise for. “For many things, I dare to say.” he scoffed in a teasing way, provoking a frowny grin to grow upon your lips, as you kept delicately fidgeting with the fabric of your dress in a discreet manner. “One of the things I would like to apologise for the most, is for... Not simply not visiting you, and our baby son due to my duties as heir— but for having given you a cold shoulder all this time, in a way.”

Your expressions began softening, not uttering a single word to allow him to continue. The looks on your face were almost puzzling to him, as it contained several emotions— all mostly ranging from surprise, to a... relieved one. But mostly, a shyly relieved look began expressing itself all across your features. “I never expressed to you my admiration for your strength and courage. Much less, I have given you my gratitude for marrying me and giving me an heir, all in order to gain new allies amidst war.”

“You have done everything by yourself. Moved to Dragonstone alone, birthed alone, and moved to the Red Keep after the peace treaty all by yourself, with our boy. I often scorn myself for not having done the slightest effort of accompanying you.” it was true. All this time, you had grown to be used only to the presence of your little child offering you solace, and company.

Hearing his words shed a light of understanding to the implicances of war when it came to the perspective— after all, being heir to the Throne is not easy at all, much less when your birthright is usurped. But for Jace, being an heir occupied with his duties, before and after war, was no excuse to give offer you a piece of his genuine love and admiration. If anything, he resented himself for not having visited you earlier.

“There hasn’t been a single moment where I haven’t thought about you, or haven’t grown any more preoccupied. And I’m sorry for not having shown it earlier, when I should have. Your efforts have never passed unnoticed.”

A gentle sigh spurred from you, nibbling shyly on your lower lip, with your gaze meekly darting towards the ground. Hearing such statement coming from him felt almost surreal, considering each moment you spent alone, wondering to yourself if your husband felt mere disdain towards you after breaking off his previous betrothal to Lady Baela. You had to process the moment for several seconds, leaving a few seconds of silence to hang in the air until you gave your response, but you couldn’t deny that a part of you was satisfied to know his true thoughts about you.

“I would’ve thought you... Resented me for breaking off your betrothal, and occupying the place of Lady Baela.” you muttered timidly, maintaining your eyes gazing at the floor. His eyes widened faintly in surprise. Gods, your words didn’t help with the intensely growing guilt-feelings he suffered, almost as if your statement sharply stabbed him in the heart— how could he ever resent you?

You had nothing to do with anything. You simply did your required duties, what was asked of you.

Jace stood silent for a moment, “How could I ever resent you?” he began, a certain desperation, and disbelief, vibrating on his tone upon hearing your statement. It almost shattered him, knowing you thought that— and all because his mind was consumed in war strategies and responsibilities as heir. The tip of his index finger placed itself on your underchin, delicately — yet firmly — lifting your face so you would stare at each other.

His dark coffee eyes stared profoundly into your own, “I could never resent you for something that was not your choice, much less after all the efforts you did.” you swore you could feel a knot beginning to form on your throat, from both the overwhelming sensation of having thought all this time that Jacaerys disdained you, and from content. “The idea of breaking off my betrothal to Lady Baela and become used to your presence for alliances might have been complicated initially, but I could never resent you for it.”

“Quite the contrary, I have grown to love and silently admire you.” both his hands had gone to cup your cheeks affectionately, taking the moments of quietness to admire every inch of your features. That was, before his arms rapidly embraced themselves around you, tightly wrapping you into a hug. One of his hands went to the back of your head, interwining his fingers in between your hair, as his other hand softly moved up and down, caressing your back; nuzzling the tip of his nose against your hair in a discreet manner— finding comfort in your sweet scent.

For a moment, you stood there, being firmly hugged by Jace, as you leisurely processed the — quite abrupt — situation. Your eyes had widened slightly in surprise, only to feel your body relaxing a few seconds after the eldest Velaryon held you in the warmth of his arms, slowly giving into the embrace. Your arms delicately wrapped themselves around his own body, hiding your face in the crook of his neck. A wide range of emotions came afloat at the moment, but all you could feel, was a gleeful sensation of relief.

What you had so longed for, had been finally given in your life— to seek and find comfort in your husband.

“All I can only do, is constantly cherish the lucky fact of your existence, I have never felt a single ounce of resentment, or hatred.” he muttered, continuing to nuzzle his nose against your hair in a loving manner, before firmly pressing his lips against your temple for several seconds. “I hope you can forgive me, and know that I’ll be visiting and spending time with both of you more often— because I adore you, immensely.”

The ghost of a soft, shy grin began growing on the corner of your lips. You knew everything would be alright, from now on— it would all be less dreadful, and less lonely, knowing that your husband would now be accompanying you in a proper manner.

The Gods did have a strange way of treating you, but all for an ultimate good.

◞ ꙳ ๋࣭ ⭑ ` taglist .ᐟ

@damatheirin @jacesvelaryons @keiratonks @kyuupidwrites @tchatso @mstxdes @valeriecash @cookielovesbook-akie @zzz000eee @bellarkeselection @feliuuuksks @visenya-reigned @maria699669 @mariaelizabeth21-blog1 @sweethoneyblossom1 @jamiemydeer @snowprincesa1

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@embersfae @lady-ashfade @tallrock35 @alyssa-dayne

@cupids-mf-arrow @happinessinthebeing

[milaeth]

୨୧┊ 𝐈𝐈. 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐒. ( charles leclerc )

ꖛ ─ you’re reading part two ∿ part one ∿ part three

✧.* pairings ─ charles leclerc x fem! singer! reader

✧.* genre ─ social media au ⨾ fluff & chaotic

✧.* summary ─ in which your best friend George gets fed up with watching you and Charles secretly yearn for each other while claiming to be just friends. so, when you lose a bet to George, he takes control of your social media accounts for 24 hours, using the opportunity to help you make a move on your crush.

✧.* face claim ─ suki waterhouse

✧.* warnings ─ some suggestive jokes, other than that this is just as chaotic as the first part

✧.* mily’s thoughts ─ part three is coming soon! hope you enjoy mwah <3

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ charles <3 . ✧ ˚

y/n: hey charles i really don’t want to be a bother but i quickly wanted to apologize for the insta post that was made about us a few hours ago!

charles <3: Hey, don’t worry, you’re not a bother! :) And I don’t really care about the post.

y/n: wait

y/n: you don’t care?

charles <3: Nope, I thought the whole flirting thing (the comments etc) was just a joke between friends, yk. At first I was a little confused, to be honest, since we don't usually joke like that, but I figured it was just the way you interact with people you feel more comfortable with!

[ seen 1:29pm ]

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ princess george . ✧ ˚

y/n: i’m so scared

princess george: WHAT DID HE SAY

y/n: he thinks it was a flirty joke between friends

princess george: HUH? So I did all that painfully obvious flirting for nothing💀

y/n: AHA

y/n: SO YOU DID DO ALL THESE THINGS TO GET ME TO CONFESS TO CHARLES.

princess george: Someone had to do it! I'm sick of watching you guys literally be in love with the other and still claim to be "just friends" 🤓

y/n:🧍‍♀️

y/n: that isn’t the point now

y/n: the point is WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY

princess george: YOU HAVENT REPLY YET??

y/n: NO I LEFT HIM ON READ BC I PANICKED IDK

princess george: i'm going to have to call carmen to give you some girly advice if you don't start getting bold💀

y/n: OKAYOKAY BUT WHAT SHOULD I SAY

y/n: HURRY UP HES BEEN ON SEEN FOR FIVE MINUTES NOW

princess george: IDK ASK GOOGLE

y/n: GEORGE WTF

princess george: DONT ‘GEORGE WTF’ ME! YOU KNOW I DONT WORK WELL UNDER PEER PRESSURE

y/n: you’re a racing driver💀

princess george: your point?

[ seen 1:37pm ]

princess george: hello???

[ seen 1:38pm ]

y/n: I ASKED GOOGLE LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO AND THEY DIDNT DO SHIT

y/n: they had the audacity to correct me too

princess george: 💀💀

[ seen 1:40pm ]

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ charles <3 . ✧ ˚

y/n: you think it was a joke?

charles <3: Well yeah

charles <3 I mean

charles <3: It couldn’t have been anything more

y/n: what if it was tho?

y/n: hypothetical ofc!!!!

charles <3: Well I honestly don’t know

charles <3: If we are speaking hypothetically, I think I would be flattered.

y/n: and if we aren’t speaking hypothetically?

charles <3: Then I would probably still feel flattered.

charles <3: Y/n? Hello?

y/n: SORRY MY PHONE FELL DOWN

charles <3: LMAO

charles <3: Does that mean those flirty jokes weren’t just jokes?

y/n: well.. to me, they’re not jokes, but i’m not the one who made them. i wasn’t supposed to tell you yet but i’m getting sick of george so idc

y/n: i lost a bet to him and had to hand over my main social media accounts for 24 hours, meaning all the comments/posts you saw from my main accounts were made by george😭

charles <3: That explains why I saw your private accounts constantly fight with your main accounts in random comment sections💀

y/n: yeah he was really messing with me

y/n: i’ve gotten lots of angry mails from my pr team

charles <3: I can imagine😭 It's only fair that you get back at him.

y/n: oh absolutely.

charles <3: Can I ask a question though?

y/n: sure!

charles <3: Is your newest single actually about me?

y/n: yes it is. i’m sorry you have to find out like this but i really like you, like a lot. i’ve liked you for a while now but i was too scared to talk to you about it because i thought you don’t feel the same.

charles <3: That’s not true

charles <3: I actually do feel the same, and I literally had the same dilemma!

y/n: WHAT

y/n: YOU ALSO LIKE ME??

charles <3: YES!! I really like you :)

y/n: SINCE WHEN

charles <3: Probably since the day I first met you

y/n: no way i thought you hated me back then💀

charles <3: No don’t worry I didn’t😭 My brother Arthur said I always have this certain look to myself when I meet new people. He said I tend to look a little “off” when I’m overwhelmed, so that was probably it lol

y/n: oh yeah, george said the same about you

charles <3: Aha very nice of him💀

charles <3: Btw I don’t want to make you uncomfortable by asking this, but what are we now? I’m just a little confused

y/n: how about we take it slow and start going on little dates? like trying this whole thing out and seeing if we can actually be more than friends.

charles <3: I had the same in mind :)

charles <3: And George still has control over your main accounts?

y/n: yep for the next 2-3 hours :’)

charles <3: alright, ready to get back at him?

y/n: ABSOLUTELY

[ seen 1:59pm ]

˗ˏ ➶ IMESSAGE ➜ w/ princess george . ✧ ˚

princess george: Y/N DID HE REPLY YET?

[ sent 1:43pm ]

princess george: Y/N?

princess charles: HELLOOOO

[ sent 1:44pm ]

princess george: CMON I CAN SEE YOURE ONLINE

[ sent 1:46pm ]

princess george: DONT BE SO CRUEL

princess george: PLEASEEE

princess george: I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SAID

[ sent 1:50pm ]

princess george: UGH fine

princess george: Guess my finger slipped again🙄🙄🙄

[ sent 1:55pm ]

yourusername

liked by danielricciardo, georgerussell63 and 8,379,158 others

yourusername save a horse, ride a char- COWBOY

tagged: charles_leclerc

view all 268,368 comments…

user375 HELP ME WHAT

user121 girl you gotta stop being horny on the internet😭

georgerussell63 Oh. My. God.😲😲 Y/n this isn’t your private account

user54 you’re acting very sus there mate

user488 well someone needs to get laid💀

user224 simp of the day🫵

pierregasly i can’t watch this

yourusername then look away🤷‍♀️😂

user865 you’re so relatable

user308 cowboy charles😍😍

urusername_alt🔒 YOU DID NOT

yourusername I did xx

urusername_alt🔒 DELETE THIS RN

yourusername Nopee

carlos55sainz I’m so confused

charles_leclerc my lap is free🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

yourusername WHAT

urusername_alt🔒 wait- fr?🤭🤭

landonorris pause. stop right there.

yourusername | 📍 paris, france

liked by senelagomez, carlos55sainz and 21,488,321 others

yourusername feels good to finally have this account back

view all 170,325 comments…

zendaya stunning as always✨

liked by yourusername

user965 mother is mothering🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

user233 does a stronger word than mother exist??

user355 @/charlesleclerc you better wife her up before i do

user212 there’s no way they’re actually together, now that she revealed that george was behind all those comments/posts

user593 i was NOT prepared

charles_leclerc come to monaco, we miss you

landonorris who’s we

yourusername @/landonorris stfu you salty bitch, you’re just jealous i didn’t visit you last year💀

charles_leclerc just added to their story !

∿ taglist ─ @81astri @ch3rryknots @cs55version @fdl305 @remuslupinsbtch @kissesandmartinis @teenagedreams-cl @headinthecloudssblog @mrsmaybank13 @glai1023-blog @luvrrish @hevburn @charlespear @bibissparkles @siovhanroy ( my taglist if you want to get tagged in my works )

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© milaeth | 2023

[kwwthings]

i like to think of 100 days in end barrens as like. a challenge wato made for themself. so initially ken joined in bc she thought it would be fun to do, but then broke off from wato to find something else and after not finding anything else, fully left the world expecting wato to do the same in a bit.

a little later ken of started worrying about wato bc. she did expect wato to be home already bc the challenge seemed impossible to her. i think ken sent wifies to check how wato was doing. thats why wifies kind of knew about some things ken and wato did. maybe the weirdness with wifies was bc it was supposed to be a singleplayer world?

i think after wifies leaves he like. retellls ken how wato is doing and while wifies himself not severely concerned (clone things? maybe?) ken is like. Horrified at the mental state of wato. so she intervenes some time after 100 days. (she was still a little impressed at the fact that wato ended up getting to nether but was upset that it was at expense of their mental stability)

wato is probably a little reluctant to return bc they waited so long, they did so much, and now they're expected to just. leave? but also they understand that yeah, theres nothing else they can do unless they want to build, but they can do it somewhere far from endermen and this grass moss/mold

some time after the 100eb wato has troubles with looking at people. especially so at someones face, but it takes an effort to look even at someones hands or shoulders (you know, what if they accidentally move while youre looking at them and you accidentally look in their eyes and they will get mad and its gonna be a problem and a nuicance to del with and- these are just people. people you love. why would they get mad at you for Looking at them...???). ken and wifies scared wato first days by showing up in their line of sight (ken is a cat hybrid so shes usually pretty quiet when she steps, wifies is usually fast when moving around the house so the blurred images of him jumpscared wato a lil). ken started making noises before showing up next to wato while wifies is a little less elegant with it. he usually fully calls out wato.

wifies is also the one who started dealing more with another problem that came out of 100eb - wato being getting un-used to some texutes? and being tactile with ken and wifies? it was normal for him to ask for hugs or patting on the hands or hand holding or anything else but wato started feeling like he started doing that even moreso now. it maybe because of just. missing wato in general or bc to make them used to being touched again. either way it worked out.

(at some point when wato and ken were sitting on a couch, wato just straight up laid on kens lap. she definitely didnt squeak at that. wato laughed. after that ken also began holding hands more frequently again.)

[uniformbravo]

since i've spent the past few days essentially staring at nothing but natsuyuu volume covers i thought it'd be so fun and silly to try and redraw them all from memory tee hee. all 30 (thirty) (三十) of them!!! wheee!!!!

i haven't actually looked at them next to the originals yet so guess what time it is!!!! LET'S COMPARE

starting with volume 1. iconic. show stopping. masterpiece. the mona lisa of natsuyuu SURELY i reproduced every single detail perfectly such that it kickstarts my career as a forgery artist RIGHT

well feast ur eyes

(im using the english volumes for comparison btw they have a good clear view of the art)

CAN U TELL WHICH IS WHICH OOO THEYRE SO ALIKE BET U CANT!!! SPOT THE DIFFERENCE LEVEL 1000 WHICH ONE DO U SHOOT

all i remembered for this one was GREEN and it's not even the right shade of green ajgosugdjfkdgj i even made the fuckin. what do u call it. i'll just say yukata??? I MADE IT GREEN AND ITS SUPPOSED TO BE RED i stg if u held a gun to my head & asked if there was any red on vol 1 i'd be DEAD

but i remembered the book of friends is like. weirdly purple? ok well in this pic it looks p gray BUT ON OTHER COPIES...... IF U UP THE SATURATION GKSJKDNFKDG

why is nyanko sensei smack dab in the middle HUH i couldve sworn he was bottom left this is so fucked up and scary. haunted manga volume??????? i bought it from a grarage sale idk you guys-

at least natsume's pose is like kind of right but also that's most definitely a complete accident i can ASSURE u (im rereading this the next day and the pose isnt even CLOSE what are u TALKING ABOUT)

anyway can i just fucking point out the kanji on the book of friends bc that is from MEMORY YEEHAW here's what it's Supposed to look like: 友人帳

LIKE even tho i got the last one wrong ITS LIKE STILL PRETTY CLOSE??? i think i deserve 100 points for this objectively

MOVING ON THO....

OK NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT SURPRISINGLY im actually like. i thought i bombed this one completely but liKE THE COMPOSITION??? KIND OF ON POINT. KIND OF GENIUS TBH

i remembered Blue and Madara and like what else do u need rly. butterflies are optional in all scenarios imo

also i NEVER have any idea what natsume's wearing in any of these so i always just like default throw him into his school uniform LMAO u will see a pattern

why is the book of friends burgundy in this one btw. it was GRAY i mean purple definitely purple aha

ok volume 3 im actually scared for i know i fucked up SOMETHING

HGLKFKGLKFKGFN OK!!!!! OK NOT SUPER AWFUL!!!! just noticed i forgor to color the book of friends fukg

main thing i remembered abt this one was the color of natsume's... attire.... and which characters were present. whats sensei doing all the way up in the top corner tho 0/10

return of the school uniform lmaooooo hm. irrelevant who cares plus didnt ask. all things considered this wasn't as bad as i thought. THE NEXT ONE HOWEVER,

hsngjfgnfjn okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

sensei's way cuter in this one than i realized wait wtf this cover's cute af how did i never notice. underrated cover -10 @ me. look at his lil BLEP >:O!!!!!!!

i knew there was some fuckshit going on w the yukata in this one ourhg i was just like hehe greeennnn also sensei's there. my work here is done

what is natsume's pose even hgnkg i was straight up making shit up at this point LIKE the first 6 or so covers are SO hard for me to distinguish in my head i should get a free pass for the poses in all of them like i can do whatever i want IM the artist now

oh god whats next vol 5

OK!!!! like a straight 5/10 TBH i literally forgot i was planning on rating these LMAO

i remembered the like white v-neck shirt thing and his pose kind of??? i had NO idea what to do for the yukata tho i just made it orange and u know what?? close enough. my rule of thumb is just like pick a color and then throw flowers all over it u cant go wrong

taki looks so much more mysterious on the original and also wearing a skirt. i gave her a big stick bc i thought i remembered her having one in general but i think i made that up tbh wouldn't put it past me. got her hat right tho hee haw

cant believe i didn't get natsume's beautiful artwork tho look at that little shit sensei up there god hes so ROUMD literally moma material

PROBABLY my best one yet uhhhh but i maybe cheated JUST a little for this one ITS LIKE BARELY CHEATING STOP BOOING ME

as i was toying w the idea of doing this redraw thing i was still working on collecting my Images and Pictures so i kinda started taking note of a few small things here & there and one of them was just. the general gist of this cover SO LIKE that's why it's so good LOL

forgor the flowers tho. i literally forget everything that isn't a character like immediately BUT OK CUT ME SOME SLACK like after a point the covers start being whole ass scenes which are SO much easier to remember shit abt than the fuckin Green Void (p sure this is the last green void cover tho)

8/10 composition is gr8 but details like the shirt & the yellow flowers are wrong, also the stick is backwards. i literally looked up what that thing is called and forgot already tee hee

OK WE'RE NOT DONE W THE GREEN VOID I REPEAT-

fuck dude. fuck. i rly thought vol 6 was the last one LOL not to spoil but as i was grabbing these images i saw a Preview of what's to come and the green void lasts until fuckign volume TEN LOL collapses onto the ground and dies

so erhermrm this is vol 7 lolllll i remembered the bg flowers this time can u believe hahaha distracts u from the fact that LITERALLY everything else is wrong auhghg

u know what the green void turned into bushes and i think that's beautiful.... like points for creativity on my part tbh. like to be completely honest. 3/10 i got the characters right

YO????? GATE CONFIRMED LET'S GO?????? it's definitely the school gate but i choose to believe natsume & tanuma r in jail for crimes and u should too

actually this is shockingly accurate for how much i goddamn struggled w this one gkjsldkg the CHARACTERS are right the OUTFITS are right SENSEI'S THERE urgh i knew one of these covers had tanuma holding sensei like that but i couldn't remember Which

i can't believe i actually got tanuma's pose that close i rly thought i was bullshitting w that one wtf. +5 points instantly

do u like how i just scribbled sensei wherever lmaoooo i drew natsume & tanuma & went like. i think sensei's in this one. PLOP

6/10 honestly closer than i thought

OK........ I SEE........ literally dies

this one i was getting MASSIVELY confused w vol 4 bc i could remember nothing distinct abt either of them except Green and natsume w Big Doggie

i remembered the BARE essentials of the composition but not much else... since i thought the green void was gone i put the green i remembered into natsume's yukata (and then put him in the school uniform again LOL) and went WELP. GUESS I'LL DIE NOW

2/10 honestly one of the worst fucking ones lskdjflsdkg

OK THIS ONE.... i almost died irl trying to remember this shit, even before i started and i was still viewing the covers i was like there is no way in HELL im remembering this shit for vol 10. and i was right

like. Purple. White Mask. Antlers. WILD layered clothing. at first i drew the mask as an actual deer skull but later had a straight up epiphany and redrew it like that which... still not correct but I MEAN.... IT'S PRETTY GOOD

i cant believe most of the purple is the bg oughgh his clothes are WHITE..... this is fucked up. i DID remember the stick tho, bells and everything!! actually bells and nothing else!!!

7/10 ok it might seem high but CONSIDERING this design..... i think i did shockingly well TBH

NOT...... the worst...... one....... i could've sworn he was sitting on a pile of books this is so sad that woulda been so cute 😭

for a second when i saw the real cover again i thought he was sitting ON the bookshelf and i was about to RIOT but its okay it's a step stool. still physically possible

my version of natsume here is so much more like Proper gksld he looks like a school boy... studying in the academy's library... hardworking student.... but no the real one is just sitting there like a wet puppy orz he's not even READING i rly thought he was reading. this is such a huge L

cannot fucking believe i was right abt the window tho. like wrong shape but the fact that it's even there.... giving myself a whole ass point for that one

5/10 i rly thought i nailed this one gksgndfkj

also RIP TO THE GREEN VOID U WILL NOT BE MISSED o7

ah shit ok. well one of them was in the school uniform at least fjgugjdkf

why is my natsume lying there like hes abt to start a therapy session, boy would NEVER-

also the plushie hmnmhnmhngnf i dont KNOW i knew there was some kind of prop there but like gun to my head i woulda died again. main colors that stood out to me for this were green and that bluish purple so i got those into mine but i mean. well u can see

once again a random window in the bg i got correct let's gooooo 5/10

LMAO SPITS OUT MY DRINK WHOOPSIE!!!!!!

this is so fucking bad im choking im gurgling LOLLLL i was SO sure natsume's paper had an eye on it i was POSITIVE this is so fucked up. i mean obvs i picked that up from sensei but like i didn't even KNOW sensei was there. or that there were bg characters at all uuuuuououohghh (matoba ignored +5)

i was like. black yukata red flowers CHECK piece of paper w eye CHECK horns CHECK i even went back and edited the horns to be more accurate i was so proud of myself sobs

ok but i knew it was shit trasjh when those were the ONLY details i could remember bc obviously there was gonna be more going on I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH MORE.....

straight up dookie/10 no jk fr like 3/10 @ me u need to use ur EYES

OK..... I WAS VERY CONFIDENT ABT THIS ONE..... except for his outfit i knew i was bullshitting that BUT I THOUGHT I NAILED THIS ONE....... the one fucking time i didn't just default to his uniform LMFAO

even remembered the pink flower ball smh and for WHAT. i knew he was sitting in a pile of plushies & blankets or smth but no way in HELL was i even gonna attempt to draw them with a speck of detail. but HEY the plushie i drew for vol 12!!! i knew he existed Somewhere. he doesn't even have a horn tho thats so fucked up i thought he did

obviously the most striking thing abt this cover is the bg w that deep burgundy & the circular window so that was the main thing i nailed down right away (my palette was more muted tho). also natsume sitting there w paper in his mouth but i thought he was mid return when rly hes playing like keep-the-balloon-off-the-floor or whatever the fuck he's doing. i love u natsume

(if i thought he was in the middle of returning a name WHY didn't i include the actual book of friends flksglkd automatic fake fan/10)

8/10 this was like my ace in the hole i was like if i got nothing else i got U volume 14!!! and then

NOT THE FAMILY PHOTO......... FUCKING DIES

man idk shit just end me. whats even going on in this cover im gonna deck u natori. dont ask why this makes me want to commit violence hes just so. URHGHGHnH

i dont know whats happening to me rn looking at this im losing my fucking grip dude who let this happen im gonna hurl this volume into the sun??? i think???

why did i add the other two youkai i just thought they should be included but i played myself i had to draw them from memory and for WHAT. pls tell me i got them at least a little bit right i stg

it's the crossed legts dude if he was just sitting there like a board the way i drew him id be like ah shit it was just natori sitting not natsume too but he just HAS to cross his legs and the fucing elbow propped up holding the glasses im S MAD IM SO MADdestroy him

it's 1am i gotta go. i have to go. right now my mom is calling me i have to fukcng. 4/10 i got the couch colorr right. bye

---

tumglr...... only allows 30 pictures per post..... bc im not on desktop? or is that a site-wide thing now. in any case this is getting long so i think im gonna split it right down the middle into 2 posts so there u go, first 15 volumes. so far my score is ermmm

well i didn't rate the first few volumes.

vol 1: 6/10 decent

vol 2: 6/10 also decent

vol 3: 5/10 composition is Scramboled

vol 4: 2/10 it's SO BAD

so now my overall score is 74/150 fjggudjofjdkgjk doing gr8!!!!!!!!!

ok bye for real ✌️

[x1uizy]

(⚠️spoilers for startlight boys finale!⚠️)

i somehow guessed 7/9 like two weeks ago (i say as if 5 weren't predictable)

the lineup is....alright. it seems that neither xingxing or daeul wanted to debut (xingxing kept saying no apparently and daeul kept making an X with his hands...?) so this is...interesting. im thrilled that zai made it in, i really wasn't expecting much but he was quite safe in the end. im a bit sad for daeul and xingxing but what can you do at this point...the most surprising part to me were the top 9 candidates actually (and hangyuls rank but im valiantly ignoring it). yoojun was definitely on the way up but i wasn't expecting rank 10...i wonder if hangyul fans tried to save him (and zai, maybe)? given the way this group was looking i think xilong wouldve fit well, but clearly he dropped quite a bit. i also haven't talked about congb, but i think he was kind of screwed over by the show being so short & all of the trainees who came in with large fanbases. i dont think he fits the top 9 but i wouldve been super happy to have him. anyways, ill do some brief member by member commentary:

shao ziheng: clear center from day 1, im glad he got it

junhyuk: my heart was beating so loudly when he wasnt called, i didnt realize he had so many rich fans since i never saw his name when galaxy donations were popping up. im proud that he's #2 but also still confused lmfao. im so happy that i didnt really have to worry about him on this show but the fear when 6 - 4 were called and he wasnt there kind of made up for that 😭

xu shihuan: i dont hate him but him being top 3 is annoying, sorry. i hope his family buys a lot of albums. also annoying that the ppl who do paid votes dont even start early to give the rest of us time to adjust to that person being in the top 9. like 37 to 3 just doesn't look good my guy

xinche: im a xinche supporter sorry. the problem that a lot of nugu groups run into is that they have a lot of talent and no stan attractors and well. that will not be a problem here. i almost expected them to be more of a variety group than a music group (unfortunately) and xinche's bond with hangyul, junhyuk, and zai especially will come in handy. plus, another rich fanbase. do i like his rank? no. is he ready to be a musician? no. but i think he'll be very popular and an asset to the team

pentor: there's not much to say about pentor. i love him, i think he's great, im glad he's debuting, that week where he dropped a bunch was scary, but all was corrected in the end. i think he'll be a great idol (again), i almost just wish he was on a better show actually. he seems to have a good bond with everyone so im not *expecting* issues, but i hope he doesnt run into an issues being the only thai member/only member without others who speak the same language. i know his mandarin is pretty good though so that's great. wow, more to say than i thought

hangyul: his rank bothers me but i suppose this proves that his fans are poor but dedicated. from to 2 to 6 does kind of make sense with the paid votes, i just had no idea that junhyuk's fans were richer 😭 tbh with his enduring popularity from the unit till now i think hangyul will still socially be treated like a top 3/5 member. plus he has a good shot at being the leader which will help his visibility

zai: my boy made it 😭 i wasnt scared about my main main picks bc i couldnt conceptualize them not making it but i was voting for zai like my life depended on it. i liked him ever since that pic of him in that hat dropped (i was having grandiose visions of an exo 2.0 and he was giving chanyeol) but then realizing just how close he was to hangyul and especially junhyuk made me a bit more desperate 😭 i almost bought firefly votes for him and the only reason i didnt is because iqiyi kept buffering lmfaoooo.

donghwa: so uhm. did the slb 9 pick make anyone realize that f4 isnt real or what 😭 anyways hes talented and im not mad at him debuting but i did stop voting for him in r1 because i was uncomfortable with his past. idk how that's gonna impact the team in the future. i think the prodction shouldve switched to highlighting han jeongwoo once calls not to vote for ydh started getting a lot of attention but by then "f4" was already locked in. we'll just have to see i guess. also lowkey, im not a hater but some of the things he does makes me side eye a little but that'll hopefully go away lmfao

lee daeul: kind of already said my piece but i feel sort of bad for him. at the same time, if he didn't wanna debut he should've dropped out instead of thinking that there wasn't a chance. to be blunt, and I've said this before: this was not the show for daeul. he needed to find a company (now we know that 143 is absolutely awful-boycott madein, support gaeun- but theoretically that shouldve been a good place for him if they hadnt dropped him, which didnt really make sense in the first place) and train for a bit before making a debut in a cuter group that gets to wear sweaters a lot. instead he is here. i think he would be more popular in a standard korean group so this probably wont do his career many favors. unfortunate

polarix as a whole: i like a lot about this lineup. this could go well or this could go poorly and it all depends on the company. if they dont get gen1e'd (activities in china only for the chinese members while the rest get nothing) and they dont get classy'd (trapped in a money laundering scheme) and they dont get loona'd (stuck in a contract where they cant profit) and they dont get uniq'd (where the market doesn't know where to put them and thus they dont get many group opportunities) and theyre not just straight up unpopular, it could be okay! i hope a company that wants a successful group takes them. money is super important but wanting your group to promote and do well is pretty much even more important and that's the true killer of so many groups. pls promote them well. whatever company they end up under 😭🙏

[dandyshucks]

realizing i wanted to ask - how did u first fall in love w/ guzma (irl) ? :o (@dmclr)

ougghh (/happy) Clara you always ask such good questions omg 🫶

umm... okay so. i should give a general "abuse CW" label i guess fjfkdl but I'll keep it vague and to a minimum of mention! also putting it below the cut because I RAMBLED SO MUCH, SORRY IN ADVANCE

tumblr kind of went crazy for the guy when the anime finally introduced him in 2019 (it took SO long to get to him, over 100 episodes in the su/mo arc 😭) and at first i didnt think much of him rly, but then somehow eventually (a few months later) i found out through osmosis that he's got trauma going on and my ears kind of perked up a bit LOL

(underwater just to set it apart from the rest of the post so it doesnt blend in and get confusing fndkdl) screenshot of the post i rbed where i first mentioned liking him fdsjkl

around the same time, i was having some realizations about my own experiences with childhood and family etc, and there was some other stuff going on in my life (also. the plague started so uh. that too.) that was just kind of culminating in like. A Lot of stress and fear and stuff. so seeing this character who has experienced somewhat similar things was ... comforting in a way? shared experience or something, idk. plus I've always been a sucker for misfit archetype characters, especially if they make a little family out of other misfits :')

another big part of the intrigue (because my crushes always start with a sort of 👀 phase fdsjkl, I have to think somebody is interesting in some way and want to find out More about them, and then feelings develop from there) for me was just the fact that he was Angry. like... the way I've personally learned to deal w abuse has been to always be meek and fawn. so seeing someone who went in the opposite direction, to become angry and strong and defiant instead, was SO fascinating to me and I was very curious to learn more about him.

so I looked into him more, loved what i found, related to him a bit, accidentally by some random occurrence stumbled upon some bf audios of him somehow??, wished he were real so we could hang out, thought about how I'd act around him and started to feel a little flustered about it ... it's all downhill from there once u reach that point smh 😔😔 (/silly)

for a long time i didn't really fully step into s.elfship territory w him - i dabbled a little but he wasnt The Focus™ in my brain yet. also we (as a system) have had a host change since then, so there was a previous juno that was not Me (even though we kept the same main name between us two parts), and they didn't like the guy as much as Current Me does djfkdl - theres also some ... relatively significant personality differences between the two versions of Juno, so I think Juno2.0 (me) meshes with him a lot better now than Juno1.0 did in 2020/2021

and then last year, i found and joined the s.elfship community and um. I absolutely did not mean for him to become The Main Guy and never would've guessed he would be, but... well,, we dont always plan things i suppose, feelings just happen 😭

anyways. it maybe seems kind of messed up but his ~tragic backstory~ is what drew me in initially bc it helped me feel less alone and scared when i was Going Through some pretty major shit lol. and then after that, i just kind of took the character base that pkmn had in place and ran with it to build on it and sort of make my own version of him that I could be friends with and eventually fell in love with ^^;;

TL;DR it was a mix of timing, similar history of abuse, intrigue bc of our opposite reactions to the abuse, and um... the way he is like,, strong and builds a safe place for other young ppl who feel unsafe or not accepted in general society fdsjkl

i get embarrassed talking abt it bc ppl seem to really hate it when abuse victims are weak in any way and need help, but ... i do really like that he is strong in some ways and would be able to give me a sort of safe place to let my guard down and receive help and care (as shown by the way he provides a safe place for the grunts, all the misfits and outcasts of Alola) ^^;;;; honestly kind of a Big part of it for me (and for pretty much all my s.elfship dynamics) is that he is able to protect me and care for me, because I have not like. experienced that ever. at least not properly. when your parents are the ones being abusive, you not only do not experience protection and care but you're also being actively hurt in some way by the people who are supposed to keep you safe. so to be freely given care and safety is kind of crazyyyy to me LOL, that is something i like a lot about him :')

OKAY RAMBLE OVER. i really tried to keep this as short as i could but,, brevity is not a strength of mine (esp when it comes to him) LOL. THANK YOU for the question !!! its fun to look back at how it all happened tbh :]

[radicalhighway-moved]

hey..... im not dead! apologies if i worried anyone. july has been a rough month for me mentally the past couple years or so. ill explain what happened under the cut bc it gets a little personal and a tad ventish. with that being said...

tl;dr: i needed a break bc i was having a bad mental health crash and only intended to be gone a week at most. then shit hits the fan, i blink, and its been a month. im back now, though!

so uh. as stated before, ive been experiencing rough mental health crashes in july the past couple years or so. i tend to act more dodgy and maybe a bit snippier than normal, im not sure why. i only intended to take a week off to recover, but life had other plans i suppose. i ended up getting real busy with changes at work, then got hit w/ the sick + period wombo combo, and if the universe didnt hate me enough already, i got hit with the sickening revelation that i really dont know who i am or what i want. ive been so detached for like 2 years or so at this point. im just cruising through life, letting everyone else decide what i should do next. i dont know my desires or dreams, i just. dont have any goals anymore. im lost, im stuck, im stagnating. i know people say its fine to not know what youre doing and to be lost, but. im genuinely stuck. i dont know what im doing. what i want from my life. who i am as a person. ive just been surviving these past few years and its just. so. exhausting. and discouraging. so im like. trying to discover myself, i guess. im not entirely sure how im going to go about that. all i know is im sick of this all encompassing feeling that im stagnating and permanent state of detachment. im tired of being alone. i want to right my wrongs if at all possible, i want to be better. i just... need to discover myself somehow. i guess.

anyway.

im back now. im very, very sorry for disappearing like that, it was wrong of me to not even update yall on if i was okay or not. im sorry i keep doing things like this. i promise though, this time was not intentional. life just threw some curve balls my way, and a month passed by before i even knew it. ill try my best to not let this happen again, at least not without some pop ins for updates to let yall know im okay.

as an end note. im a scared animal. the thought that theres long, angry messages awaiting me on discord is... discouraging. to say the least. so i may take a bit to work up the courage (and spoons) to face my consequences for my shitty habit and check discord. im also lowkey a little scared ppl are gonna leave me over this nasty ol habit. not to say it wouldnt be warranted, yall have every right to since its a shitty thing for me to keep doing but. still hurts even if deserved. i truly never seem to learn, huh? sick of being alone, but refusing to be vulnerable enough to allow people to help me… crazy.

thank you all for being patient with me, and thinking of me if you did.

cheers

[tojiscrack]

okay first of all liar liar is literlaly my favourite thing ive ever laid my eyes on?? its so good and every time you release a n ew chapter i SLURP it up like the details?? the backstories??

like omg just relaese a book atp.. i found liar liar during the tiem i was procrastinating for my english final and i kept reading until like 5 am (im a slow reader) anyways i was supposed to be preparing for my english final oral exam but i DIDNT! i was supposed memorize the 10 minute essay i wrote and present it to my class!!! but i didnt! ur fic was tew good... i ended up just winging it and i didnt do that bad (90) i like to think that it was because my brain vocab capacity epxanded after reading your extremely detailed scenes on mercupine the happiest moment of my life mustve been when i finished reading ch 8 (i think?) and realized there werent any more chapters and got scared u abandoned it (i have ptsd from all those otther authors 😣) and then YOU UPLOADED A NEW CHAPTER LIKE 5 MINUTES AFTER I FINISHE DREADING CH8 ??? ummm i swear it was like magic or smth i pissed tears of joy

i was also part of the readers that got fooled by kamo... i reallhy thought he liked mermaid at first and just thought it was a silly crush and we'd get a silly little scene of megumi being a teeny bit jelly! but then you wer like IMPLYING THAT KAMO LIKES TSUMIKI? so i was like wow what a plot twist didnt see that coming haha! AND THEN YOU REVEALED HE LIKES MERMAID????????????????????/ wow okay um 😱 and then the tutor trope like i love that

what i dont love is how i feel like mermaid might actually like that two banged freak back (im not a kamo hater i just get emotional sometimes 😞 just thinking about them being a thin g makes me worked up) becaues why was she like.. talking to him?? like hwat you should be talking to PORCUPINE. HE'S RIGHT THERE OPEN YOUR EYES.

but honestly cant blame my girl because megumi is suchhh a loser like gosh i love him but like grab your cheeks and MAKE A MOVE. like pls!!! and honestly kamo is such a sweet little thing like aww you really did all that just to be close to ur crush but also like back off and let my mercupine be i just want my two babies to be together like plss!! but also im scared that kamo and mermaid ARE going to end up together bc ummm megumi is NAWT doing anything... and if the do get together im rioting, mercupine has to be endgame.. but um i also love kamo tho and i dont want him to be sad too 😣 my two personalities guys

have you seen ao haru ride/blue spring ride/???? it lowkey reminds me of whats going on rn because WAIT WAIT SPOILER!! im new to tumblr but like KIND OF SPOILER FOR AO HARU RIDE!!!!!! IDK IF THERES LIKE SOME COVER I CAN PUT ON THIS BUT LIKE ITS KINDA A SPOILER SKIP SKIP SKIP IF UR WANTING TO WATCH AO HARU RIDE AND YOU KINDA DONT WANNA SPOILER I MEAN THE SPOOILER IS KINDA OBVIOUS AND ITS LITRO JUST THE PLOT BUT I MEAN LIE JUST SKIP YK

but THIS IS THE SPOILER PART LAST WARNING like basically the main character is kou and futaba and kou is also a nonchalant baddie like my bae megumi.. but hes like such a coward and CANNOT make a move just like someone ik... (hint hint) and then this other guy (i forgot his name, yk the feeling whenever u watch a new anime or kdrama and you know EVERYTHING that happened but not their names? gun to my head i would still forget immidiately) so anyways this other guy also likes futaba cuz shs a baddie (LIKE MERMAID!) and he shoots his shot and lowkey acts like a desperate loser bUT IT WORKS and they end up together but futaba still has feelings for her ONE TRUE LOVE and she admits to her bf that she doesnt like him and lowkey i felt bad for him... i dont want that to happen to kamo too

but like kamo needs to take a hint... BUT ALSO HE'S VERY CRUCIAL SINCE HES THE ONE TO PUSH MEGUMI TO ACTUALLY DO SMTH AOBUT HIS FEELINGS!!! like i loved seeing megumi jealous, but also the way i literally felt like this

when yaga called kamotionless and mermaid LOVEBIRDS?? like my heart ached for porcupine and the way he just said KAMO SHOULD GET BACK ON THE FIELD!! urgh like pls megumi this is ur sign to acc do smth!! atp if he doent so anything he has to take the L when kamo does end up getting the girl..

thats the end of my rant live laugh love liar liar... i will also probably be ranting a lot the next few decades unless i just want to brain rot lik usual and not work out my finges by typing also sorry if its SO LONG and all the spelling and grammar mistakes i just dont want to think while writing iykwim.. im in full winter break mode and my brain has turnd to mush LOVE YOUUU mercupine forever pls be endgame PELASPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLESAESPLEAESEPSELAESPLEASPELASEPLAESPLESAPLESASPLESAEPLSEASPLSEASPLSEASPLSASPLSEASPLSAEASPLSEASPLSEAESPLSEASPLSEASPLSEAESLPSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEASPLSEAEPLSEASEPLSEAPLSEAPSLEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSPALSEAPLSEAPLSEPALSPALPLSEAPLSPEAPSLEAPLSAPLSEAPLSEPALSPEALSPSLEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSAPLSEPALSPEALSPALESPLSEAPLSEAPLSEAPLSEALPSLEAPLSEAPLSEAPL

HIIII 😋 (a long juicy juicy art, ohh i’m gonna be eating so well rn 😝)

firstly, i’d like to apologise for answering this so late! ik you sent it in a while ago but (unusually) my inbox seems to be getting new asks every day — which i assume is ‘cause of the growth of LL (hooray? 🥳🫶🏽). not complaining at all btw, this ‘problem’ isn’t even a problem, i love hearing from everyone!!

but anyway, let’s get to the good stuff 😼

‘okay first of all liar liar is literally my favourite thing i’ve ever laid my eyes on??’ — it’s 4am rn and i should be sleeping for my law admissions exam tmr but i’m too stressed to even get some shut-eye time and this isn’t helping ‘cause now i’m not sleeping out of excitement 🥴 i wrote LL for my own personal gain but in doing that, i seemed to have attracted attention from you which just so happens to be a plus point, ilysmmm 😭🫶🏽 words can’t explain how glad i am that you’re enjoying the story so far!

‘like omg just relaese a book atp’ — HAHAHA STOP OR I’LL START LEVITATING 🤧 i really did consider being an author at one point in my life and then scrapped the idea, not sure why but what’s done is done lolol

GIRLYPOP WDYM YOU NEGLECTED UR ENGLISH ORAL EXAM?? 😭 i mean, i’m super relieved that you ended up acing it anyway (well done! 🥳) but don’t ever do that in the future 🙁 if my fic is ever the reason of someone failing their exams, i’ll literally dissipate on the spot 😭 but on a separate note, i’m flattered that you say your results were good ‘cause of my detailed scenes of mercupine 🥹 that’s genuinely such a creative way to compliment my writing, i appreciate it ml <3

‘the happiest moment of my life must’ve been when i finished reading ch 8 and realised there weren’t any more chapters and got scared u abandoned it, and then YOU UPLOADED A NEW CHAPTER LIKE 5 MINUTES AFTER’ — omg no wayyy 😭 i have a nasty habit of releasing chapters LATEEE into the night (uk time) ‘cause bonus scenes end up taking a little extra time than i initially expect to write up. it worked in ur favour! genuinely crazy ‘cause i was contemplating going to bed and uploading chapter 9 the next morning instead HAHAHA

‘i was also part of the readers that got fooled by kamo’ — muahahaha 😈 i’ll always react the same way any time someone comes in to lmk that my evil plan worked 😭 i found (and still find) everyone’s reactions to the reveal SO funny, like i sit there on my phone giggling like an idiot, and realise just how dad-like that is of me to be laughing at my own intentional trick 💀

‘what i dont love is how i feel like mermaid might actually like that two banged freak back’ — 👀

i mean, if it makes you feel better, she’s completely unaware of his feelings towards her rn 💀 like she had an INKLING during the tutor session, but that was shut down by her own brain 0.2 seconds after it even came up ‘cause of… reasons tsumiki

‘like what you should be talking to PORCUPINE. HE'S RIGHT THERE OPEN YOUR EYES’ — i can feel ur frustration through the screen LMAOO 🌝 and if this is you now… 👀

‘and honestly kamo is such a sweet little thing like aww you really did all that just to be close to ur crush but also like back off and let my mercupine be i just want my two babies to be together like plss!!’ — ok so this is how i EXPECTED my readers to react when kamo was introduced as the second male lead/love interest/whatever the hell else you wanna call him. but this is what i got from them instead: 🌝

‘(…) bc ummm megumi is NAWT doing anything...’ — now where have i heard that before 🫣

jk guys 😭

‘have you seen ao haru ride/blue spring ride/???? it lowkey reminds me of whats going on rn’ — i have!! i read the manga too, and let me tell you how pissed i was that the anime didn’t continue and they gave us that bland ass, ambiguous, friendship ending thingy 😤 will forever be mad about that

i truly appreciate you putting a spoiler warning before you wanted to say what you needed to say 😊 i’ve already read the manga and watched the anime so it’s not needed, but you didn’t know that so ofc, you decided to be a kissable human being by placing spoiler warnings, i could smooch u rn 🤧 can you tell i got the ending of outerbanks s4 wasted literally JUST as it came out in november on a tt comment section on a post that had NOTHING to fucking do with outerbanks omg i’m raging again

but yes! i’m well aware of who and what scene you’re talking about :) toma the ginger-haired guy, second LI for futaba 😟

LL wasn’t inspired or made from anything to do with ao haru ride so dwww!! the ending’s actually undecided as of now but… i think i have a clear outline of the events that should take place just before it. and a lot of things are influencing my decision rn hahaa 😁

‘thats the end of my rant live laugh love liar liar...’ — live, laugh, love LL indeed 🥹🫶🏽

‘also sorry if its SO LONG and all the spelling and grammar mistakes’ — nooo dw about it! 😭 it wasn’t difficult to read at all and i enjoy long messages! i actually encourage my readers to send them in :D

tysm for popping in and leaving such a wonderful message! the memes you put in for every part of it had me GASPING FOR BREATH, like idk why the reaction pics paired with ur literal reaction towards parts of the story had me dying in my bed 😭😭 i think it’s just the way you literally did not address them throughout the message LMAOOO 💀

you are the sweetest person on the planet. it’s nearly 5am now and i’m so tired but no matter how hard i try, i cannot sleep :( but now i have no hope seeing as i’m gonna be thinking about this for the rest of the day <3333

[akaakeis]

sav the terriblest thing has happened......... i joined english coaching.............

okay its not that bad the guy was my ninth grade english teacher and hes kind of a w

i also found out my current english teacher is mentally ill and not one of her students got 90+ in english like..

#notmepls

ANYWAYS

this Means that i shall be offline when ur usually first online during the day on sundays tuesdays and thursdays throws up

ive alr been so busy and i was like omg #textingsav and then i realised we probably wont talk today and also the only time we'll talk is

wait omg no school tmr we WILL talk tmr which will be ur today

the way im just. rambling in ur inbox but its ok bc ur u and im me #neverdoingthisanywhereelse

next thing . wait i forgot im remembering

oKAY remembered 👍 ERM i got like a. 68 on my english test and apparently this mentally ill woman marked it wrong and i shouldve gotten an erm. wait calculating. at least an 88 LIKE GIRL WHAT THE FREAKKKKKKKKK

in other news erm why i cried in the last four days list .

i love my sister

i love my friends

english grade

teacher yelled at me

there was no garlic bread at home

i got disconnected from dti

i didnt want to get up and change

the electricity cut off five times and i couldnt play genshin properly

tumblr wasnt loading

86 eighty-six

hashtag periods i love periods

in other news i also love maths like i WAS a maths girl i AM a maths girlie i will always BE a maths girlie it is THE subject of all time and if anyone disagrees then they're wrong (unless it's u because what can i say. i always agree with cute girls🤷‍♀️)

also like i said id tell you about the smau but literally erm. i forgot.. what was supposed to happen.. i have two lines ill dm them to u or something 😭😭😭😭 WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING ELSE AND THEN I FORGOT IT IM GOING TO SOB.

OH YES spilling school tea

our chem teacher used to tutor this one girl and he flirted with her mom at 1am on wahtsapp and facebook and then his wife divorced him😭😭

this one girl's picture got taken. like a norm picture. and then her bf and some people fought over it. like physically. at coaching. LOL INSANE

english physics and chemistry departments of our school are failing everyone is underpaid and leaving

my english teacher is senile but we mentioned that already i think

ANYWAYSSSS UNINTENTIONAL YAP ASK I LITERALLY JUST CAME HERE TO SAY IM MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE LMFAO. look where we are. oh omg im so #scared #excited #terrified for us w/o u part 2 thats flipping SCARY IM SCARED anyways how are u? feel free to yap in the answers if u do answer it and uhhh take care stay safe love u mwa mwa dm me whenever

LINA MY LOVE!! this is gonna be long i fear. oh dear.... ok so english coaching is not fun good luck with that 😕

well at least the guy is cool ‼️

im sorry but lowkey... #wbk about that one i fear!! I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS A LITTLE MENTALLY ILL? IS THAT JUST ME OR

anyway if u dont get 90+ in english send her my way I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR GRADE SO HARD you deserve a good grade!!! i can tell you've been putting in the effort + im proud of u!!1!!1!1

NOOOOOO WE WONT BE ABLE TO TALK AS MUCH 🙁 lwt me think so today is thursday and youll be on on mondays wednesdays fridays + saturdays as normal presumably? THATS OKAY i usually wake up latw on thursdays because i sleep late and its a whole mess... i was nearly late this morning harhar ANYWAY POINT BEING WE WILL STILL BE ABLE TO TALK TO WE'LL BE GOOD

girl me too <//3 was so locked in on tuesday you should've seen me writing my article for the magazine + writing out the rest of my speech and finalizing ITS SO BUSY RN ICB IT

these timezones are confusinf me hello i am so lost as i read this! 12 hrs apart w you ahead is all ik regarding this

ANYWAY WE WILL FIND TIME AND WE WILL MAKE IT WORK ITLL JUST TAKE A MINUTE FOR ME TO FIGURE IT OUT

its okay i live laugh love for ur asks actually im sitting in my room smiling as i type out this reply to ur ask... inbox yap hour MY FAV

A 68 IS ACTUALLY INSANE GOODBYE how did she screw up the grade so bad 😭 she can catch these fists for that one LIKE HOW DO U GET IT 20% OFF THIS IS NOT A CLEARANCE SALE MISS!!

HELP all of these reasons are equally valid 😞 periods really get me fucked up fr i think im about to get mine too smh

that is SO valid lina math is honestly a good subject 🙂‍↕️ not my fav but i honestly enjoy the class cause it's 1) simple for me 2) my tablemates are so odd to the point of being hilarious and 3) my teacher is gay and we found his grindr profile so i always giggle when i think about that HAHDBDN so math class is just heaps of fun

NOOOO I WAS SO EXCITED TO HESR ABT THE SMAU U NEED TO SEND ME THE TWO LINES U HAVE SOON!!1!!1!1 STOP I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS BUT IT HAPPENS TO ME SO OFTEN ITS AWFUL

ok THE CHEM TEACHER??? wow okay so thats crazy! HIS WIFE DIVORCING HIM TOO PLEASE SO DESERVED everyone point and laugh!!! L man!!!!

HELP WHY WERE THEY EVEN FIGHTING IF IT WAS JUST A NORMAL PICTURE THATS SO WILD?? 😭 like guys its not that deep </3

WHAT. so like is this hyperbole or is literally everyone going to leave bc of being underpaid and whatnot CAUSE THATS SO BAD 

senility✊😞 what a trooper/j

ITS OKAY I ENJOYED READING ALL OF THAT!!!  PLEASE PRIORITIZE ALL YOUR STUDIES THEYRE THE MOST IMPORTANT <3 I HOPE YOU DONT BURN OUT FROM BEING MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE BC I KNOW I DEFINITELY DID WHEN I HAD VOLLEYBALL.. SO TAKE THINGS EASY AND DONT STRESS YOURSELF TOO MUCH PLEASE!!! ILY ILY ILY!! oh okay so us without me pt 2 is probably gonna be BAD BAD cause it will b talking about how he was actually in love w eden since BEFORE he had moved and all that so itll be extra angst talking about before he had moved 😸 basically timeskips briefly showing how he gives you less and less affection as the time he leaves draws near AHAHAH ITS GONNA BE BAD

+ im alright!!! no homework for once in a blue moon so im sitting here relaxing i feel so good rn <3 i have an iced matcha latte and a cake pop I AM LIVE LAUGH LOVING

so i dont have much to yap about at this moment but i just got back from school SOOOO ill yap about that!!

starting off strong i woke up an hour + 15 mins late and had 20 minutes to get ready and eat... i was almost late this morning BUT i have fitness first thing in the morning on my a-days (we work on an a/b schedule!!) and my teacher always comes late to that!! so i had time to dress down and i BOOKED IT to the weight room + made it!! in that class we basically just do weightlifting + my usual partner wasnt there bc she had a golf tournament... so i was with some of my other friends for lifting!! was kinda thriving bc my other partner usually does heavier weights + they did lighter ones SO I WAS REALLY REALLY FAST W MY SETS i was very proud!!

then i went into second period (i have bio) and we were doing a lab where we examined some cells in onions, tomatoes, + the inside of our cheeks (ew) but basically we had to group up and im not rly fond of one of the girls that r in my group cause she doesn't talk much she just squeezes in to look through the microscope so it annoys me 😞 ANYWAY THE LAB WAS LIGHT WORK GOT IT DONE IN 30 MINS and then i had like an hour of free time after that so i asked for a hall pass and i roamed the halls for a bit 😸 after that i have to go to advisory + i was just helping people w math hw and doing some of the nyt games to kill my boredom (oh and drivers ed stuff!!)

at lunch i was just sitting with some of my friends and playing imessage games with them 😭 then we went into the gym and played volleyball for a bit!!

after lunch i had geo and i was taking notes like a madman i fear... dk if ive said this before but like ohhh man everyone makes a point of telling me how small my hand writing is its so annoying 😭 i heard that three times during class today and i was literally done LIKE STOP LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE ‼️

theeeen i had my speech + debate CLASS not to be confused with my club!! i already finished my oratory so i just played games the entire period 😻 lots of fun would recommend!!! i just hate the teacher cause he's always telling me to go back to my seat WHEN IM HELPING HIS STUDENTS CATCH UP ON WORK like ok! sorry for trying to help you fix the mistakes you made when teaching them how to make their speeches! goodness! my bad! anyway hes my opp 😒

AND THATS MY DAY!! anyway take care stay safe i love you!!! MWAHH <3

[tojisun]

Sorry it turned into a depressing rant

Anon who asked about your fav studio ghibli movie here!

I love howls moving castle so much, I love the part when Sophie starts cleaning the house, I love how comforting it is

I love the sass from everyone, I love how kind Sophie is

I love howls line “I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful” as much as it sucks I agree with him. I’m not smart so the only thing I can offer is my looks and personality to people I meet. If I’m not beautiful, then what’s the point? Sorry if it sounds shallow but when you have nothing to offer in this world, the only thing I can work on is how good I look and present myself. I know I shouldn’t think like that, it’s damaging

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, there will be people who find you attractive and there will be people who won’t. People you find attractive, others won’t, so sometimes I try not to think too much about it since we never know.

All my life I’ve been slow academically. My siblings are all smarter than me so I’m always the dumb one. I’m not skinny but I’m working on it, even tho it’s so hard, but I have to be skinny, my life will definitely turn around when I’m not too self conscious about my body. I know I’ll still have those negative thoughts and even after I’m skinny I won’t be happy but, as of now, I never leave the house, my anxiety about how I look keeps me from taking in person classes. I never want to leave the house unless I look good, because I don’t want anyone seeing me at my worst, I want everyone to see me as the best version of myself. So I never leave, my social skills have tanked since 2020 since that was the last time I took a in person class, and that was in high school 😭😭

I feel so immature and stupid, and people my age (19) are doing better than me. I just give up before I even try, and I’m so behind since I’m in my third year of college and I still don’t have an official major, I’m so behind, and last semester I didn’t take any classes cuz I was so depressed and embarrassed, since I failed two classes. It’s an horrible cycle of pity and dread and I’m scared I’ll never get rid of it. And I’m scared of talking to men, but I’m supposed to get married and have a kid before I’m 30 since you’re more fertile and it’s better to have kids young, and I’d love that but I’m scared my kids will turn out like me, disappointments. And I won’t know how to fix them.

So yeah… we veered off of howls moving castle.. my bad💀

re:

!! this got long im so sorry

first of: pls dont apologize! u are welcome to vent here in my blog, im happy to just be a bouncing wall to u guys (if my usually long responses arent what u guys wanted to see). thank u for trusting me (us) with this and im truly sorry for how late im responding

i do love those parts of howls moving castle! i never understood why howl was lamenting about his looks when i thought he looked beautiful w orange hair. orange used to be my favourite colour ^v^ it isnt one rn but i am still fond of it.

i loved orange even when howl didnt – u are correct that beauty in the eye of the beholder. beauty also goes a long way. it’s a horrible reality but when u grew up fat, u get told so many times about how much better life would be if u could just lose weight. i truly cant tell u when i stopped thinking so little of myself.

honestly love, its just so recent when i felt good enough in my own skin – blemishes n all. i never thought itd get better tbh; i thought itd stay this way but it got better. and im scared to promise to you a range of when it will get better, but i do know that it will.

u feel immature bc u are still young! 19 is so young so pls dont punish urself for feeling young, for thinking young, for not knowing anything past being young yet. as a younger sibling, ik for a fact im still so immature. it took me getting a job (during the weekdays) n going to uni for me to mature up, n i was 20 when that happened. so recent!

i also completed my associates slowly bc i was struggling in college! i once took a sem where i only had one class bc i was so overwhelmed that i had to slowly pace myself so i can keep going. high school babies u n then boom, u get hit w juggling responsibilities in college that kinda makes u wanna quit – but u didnt. u took a break and then bounced back!! my love, if that isnt resilience, then what is?

ive never wanted to settle down. i think its bc i thought id be gone by now that i just dont see myself having a family of my own so i apologize for not knowing how to empathize about the ‘deadline’ but u are just 19. before age 30 is so far away! u have sm to live for in between those years. sm to experience and to meet and to love!

also, not having a major yet is also fine! i declared a minor just this year – and im a fourth year already. pls dont worry. u have time – that is something i wanna keep emphasizing. u have time. it feels like the world is collapsing rn bc of fear and anxiety which, my old therapist told me, is a sign that u (and i) wanna keep going. that u wanna keep living.

and from what i could see, especially coming from me who wanted to just give it all up, that is enough. i know that the reasons behind u working on urself isnt a sustainable mentality, but hopefully one day u will wake up and own ur hard work for urself. not for others.

aaaa this got too long im so sorry, im being emotional on my end but i just want u to know: u are not a disappointment. u arent.

ur alive and ur making connections and ur trying ur best (even though it doesnt feel like that on ur end but u are!!) so how could u be a disappointment? and even if u dont wanna do anything, ur also not a disappointment. not even then.

ur future kids will be so lucky and happy to have u as their mom. and they too will be beautiful; they wont need any fixing bc there isnt anything broken to fix.

i love you. i dont know who u are but i love you. i love all of you.

[sspidrwebz]

nights reflection | tw, sui

i think its obscene how you treat how i feel

you really think im bluffing, dont you?

to you im just an angsty teenager who says these things for kicks. 

as if its a trend.

and its sort of odd because in a way, it is.

it is a trend.

do you think thats a good thing?

do you think thats safe?

do you care?

sorry, i forgot.

i could be crying on my knees before you, begging for you to notice me.

i could be screaming. 

screaming the words i need to say.

the words i wish i didnt mean.

but you wouldnt listen.

i know.

ive tried.

i try my hardest not to cry in front of you anymore.

you call me weak for it.

im not weak.

i used to think i was.

i used to think i was weak because i couldnt get myself to hurt myself enough.

i was always too afraid of the pain.

but im far from weak.

because despite what goes on in my head every day.

im still here.

sometimes i wish i was as weak as you say.

instead of telling you, i act out.

i throw any object near me, i let the dishes crash as i wash them, i punch the walls as hard as i can.

i do anything to get that attention, to be noticed by anybody at all.

for you to see just how badly im hurting.

i do this in hopes youll come into the room and talk to me.

in hopes youll stay by my side.

in hopes that, even if i say i wont kill myself, youll stay here.

i hope to god you dont believe me.

because i don’t believe me.

but you dont come. 

so i cry.

because i know you wont see me.

do i have to try?

do i have to jump?

do i have to bring a knife with me?

i know you wouldnt notice.

do i have to hurt myself? 

do i have to want so badly to die?

is that what it takes?

will it ever be enough?

when will my suffering be enough of an excuse to be loved?

i dont think it ever will.

not until its too late.

the other day you showed me how to use your gun like it was nothing.

that scares me.

i tried to distance myself.

because i knew what that knowledge would do for me.

but you insisted i learn.

lucky me, i suppose.

i hate it. 

i hate that i want to be the one you worry about.

i want to be the reason you hide the knives in the house. 

i want to be the reason you worry if i dont get home on time.

i want to be the reason you call me to see if im okay every day.

please ask me if im okay.

if you care, maybe i wont say yes.

please care.

i need you to care.

i want to stay.

dont make me leave.

_____

i found this in my notes app. from a month ago, im okay now but i thought id show it bc its good i think

[drifloonz]

The multiple miki thing might be because Miki could've been based on Charizard M and that thing is known for cloning itself.

Tbh i cant fault shadowmalerenamon for completely changing doors open when rewriting it. Having missingno be the main antagonist was miles better than how Steve was in the original.

( mention of suicide ig )

i respectfully disagree . i see where you're coming from but i think all of the rewritten strangled... duology i guess bc strangled red itself never got one

( thank fucking god to be honest. it needs No change. although at the same time its kind of funny it never got one bc its the most popular one and going more into him as a Person if smr didnt fuck it up would be nice ... but im too attached to my own interp based off of his canon implications to care about what smr kind of has to give. and he already did that in og strangled red, to a degree, although it focuses on the tragedy there is character stuff to be extrapolated from the implications of the story if youre very deeply ill. like me. )

- is a lot less character-focused, at least on steven specifically, and is focused on explaining or rewriting shit that never needed to be explained or rewritten. it is a revisit and reinterpretation of the story, that to me, is just purely kind of . Not good or fun to read. and the new shit it introduces is fucking stupid imo. steven being banished by the town instead of... fucking. killing himself ( especially specifically by cop. that's lame and way more boring + FUCK THE POLICE !!! + It feels out of character for steven he would just do it himself like actually. Also yk. hanging yourself is narratively thematic and ironic. ) or whatever goes so much harder .

guy who loves his town and home region and wanting to be a role model and wanting to be cool so badly being driven mad and then the entirety of kanto, his homeland, forsaking him and walling him off goes crazy . Also because it implies they're scared of him to some degree which also makes me go crazy as an implication.

[ more put below bc i love to fucking yap about strangled red and how much i dont like the rewrites ]

i Will not step down from 'the rewrites arent good' . Doors open is mostly bad because stevens characterization is garbage. even though its random and from left field ( why the fuck is he in sprout tower ) it couldve been handled well if it was written better characterization-wise.

also i supposed the 'M charizard makes sense. not. not really i don't actually think smr thought that through. if he did, which he couldve because she is named #'M# in Strangled Red, cool, but i still think it's just to make the "miki" name thing with 4 party members he has. which is cool admittedly. it's just that i hope it is never explained why he has 4. and it never has since, doors open rewrite didnt do anything with that thank god.

and bc he wouldnt have any other mon other than miki post-incident and afaik that thing only replaces existing partymembers, and steven canonically releases all his team in SR + pokemon avoid him. but yea. Doors open i treat as a 'spinoff' in a sense bc nothing from it really makes sense when properly thought through, and its basically there to make the lost silver crossover i feel. also, yk, he literally says "Never." in strangled red when you press switch on 'M / missingno/revived/whatever you want to call miki post revival. its kind of out of character for canon-compliant steven to have anything other than miki post-incident for these 3 reasons - i only made a team for him post incident bc im autistic about pokemon and pokemon teams so that was for fun.

basically it makes more plotholes and questions than not the more strangled reds plot stuff tries to be explained or added upon esp in the remakes which i think are not fun reads if you like steven as a character anyways. and also bc strangled and doors open in the ogs are easter eggs. trying to explain what is supposed to be an in universe easter egg in pokemon would obviously be kind of a lesson in futility. not. not exactly but at least in the way smr does it.

strangled makes sense, you just go to his fucking house and hes there. yea. doors open is like. Yea hes in johto now. dont ask. but its also easily explainable as... He just fucked off to johto. For what reason? idk. hates kanto bc theyve forsaken him and banished him to the Woods, just wanted fresh air i guess, or just for fun. these are all more plausible reasons.

iirc the rewrite doesnt even say why hes there and if it does the reason is convoluted and not needed. i think its just 'hes a ghost hallucination... thing??? following the mc which is the most boring route to go for with steven and the most uninspired thing ever, and missingno was not the antagonist just a plot device in the og story Why are we focusing on it so much.' and its still a plot device in the rewrites! it isnt explained ( good the explanation would be kind of awful ) and i cant see any good way to explain missingno other than the way i do as a fun idea. which is biased but the 'failed clone of mew number 3' is a fun idea.

this is an insane ramble from a deranged person. if you can't tell i fucking love steven as a character and smr does him dirty except in strangled red, really. strangled... is fine but bc he barely talks in that one and when he does its like. yea. that checks out.

no hate to you btw none of it was directed at you specifically just smr and strangled reds various canons. you just gave me an excuse to ramble about how much i dislike the remakes tbh. I fucking LOVE analyzing why i hate things esp involving steven bc hes not greatly written by his og creator and not often greatly written by the fandom either .

[thekidsarentalright]

atlas bestie i’m so genuinely terrified for my show after seeing last nights setlist… XO?!? GET BUSY LIVING?!?!?! SPIDEY?!?!?! every time we think they can’t get more unhinged they Do!! i’m the best kind of scared for my show bc it’s soonish and i feel like they’re abt to snipe me lmaooo 😅 between whatever tf pete was doing during get busy living and the whole spidey thing and xo with like… no warning. this is so much. like wtf else could they possibly do and why are they the scariest lil guys ever and how are we meant to survive this??

also not to get emotional but that speech before spidey made me kinda tear up! like this band genuinely wasn’t supposed to make it this far and they Did and patrick overcame so much self doubt and just 😭😭😭 he’s playing songs he wrote for a spiderman cartoon at a SOLD OUT SHOW at madison square garden with his best friends!! never thought i’d be crying over spidey but that happened lol… sorry for the rambling but the patrick emotion is so strong rn, everything he said abt impostor syndrome was super fuckin validating and just. how do they do that? how does fob always do that?? i’m gonna be an emotional wreck at my show and the 8 ball is Not gonna help lmao

(alsooooo this is hella late but AHHH CONGRATS ON GETTING ALLIE!!! <3 u won SO hard fr fr!!!!! genuine question, how did u not like… collapse when that started? like anything from soul punk is insane but especially that song?? holy shit 😭)

- 🧋 anon

GODDD BFF I KNOW RIGHT??? the madison square garden setlist was sooooo crazy and tbh last nights was too like.... i swear each show theyre just getting more insane somehow i am SO scared in the best way too for my next show and u are in my thoughts for yours 😭 like every time i think there isnt more they could do, they find something so like. truly we're in for it for these last 9 shows!!!! we are not surviving!!!!!

also YEAHH WAUGH that speech made me soooo emotional too do Not be sorry for the rambling bc literally the fact this band was supposed to just be a fun little side project and is now This big, to where patrick can play his scoring "day job" songs to sold out audiences of thousands for Fun because he Wants to for his passion project is just. so much??? seeing him, like, overcoming imposter syndrome in real time??? it is so so sweet and inspiring literally how do fob always manage to be sooooo healing and beautiful and inspirational i can't handle it!!! manifesting thee most insane emotional 8 ball for you tbh fkjsnfds

alsooo AUGHHH THANK U i still cant believe i got allie live like. tbh idk how i didnt collapse either i think i was just in such shock it was happening 😭 i remember turning to my mom and sister w my jaw fucking dropped repeating "THIS IS SOUL PUNK??!!??!" over and over... he was so insane for that

[upsidedowngrass]

you ever think about how, on top of the other assorted traumas the main cast had to endure, they now have to deal with the fact that they know what the afterlife is like, and it sucks?

i DO and i think about it a LOT!!!

as is. probably expected. i think abt it the MOST wrt liam. because the way i see it, he does NOT like dying at all and he also KNOWS what it Really looks like. he KNOWS that theres nothing actually there, and all he knows of the waiting room is 1. a radio that is basically a device that is most likely to just get you killed, and 2. if you dont use the radio, you are trapped Forever. thats. not a pleasant way to view what awaits you

i actually think that eventually the waiting room would come to look like Something for liam years later once he gets home, and that it just looking as it truly is to him largely has to do with the immediate traumatic experiences he was going through all the times he saw it (something something, the waiting room showing you what you want or something you miss etc, but him not having anything to go off of because hes not thinking of much and is a bit detached from the stuff he COULD be thinking about, blah blah blah. my ideas on what determines if you see smth ARE a bit rough bc its so vague tho i also tend to think it has smth to do with if you were 'supposed' to die at that moment, like how stones knowledge of stuff clearly favors certain events over others. its hard to explain and i dont wanna derail this post. its not completely relevant) and that, once he Dies dies itll be Okay! but i think the fact that he knows what the waiting room can be at its worst would probably assume that, when he dies, everythings gonna suck for ETERNITY and id. imagine that is a very haunting thought process to have. i think death scares him a LOT because of this (he SAW julien, and i think the idea of that happening to him and no one ever helping , since it was so unlikely for julien to be saved anyway) and its. probably one of many things hes gonna HAVE to work out in therapy or smth . the guy went through TWO situations where he was trapped somewhere for Possibly Forever, the idea of that being what hes doomed to experience For The Rest Of Time is probably Not Pleasant and Not Helped by his other trauma

the other characters i think have a very different view of it, but not necessarily in a 'better' or 'worse' way . but its because all of them DID see soemthing in the room (or in amelias case, likely wasnt there long enough to even know WHAT she was looking at, let alone assess it.). bryce eventually saw it for what it was yeah, but he def KNOWS what it Can be. for bryce, then, i think its also. complicated? because it seems to be a tipping point for him in the series. and i think its because, when things go wrong and theres no Direct Person To Blame, hes like. almost sluggish? idk how to describe it, its almost similaar to how liam responds to things being fucked up, but feels fundamentally different, and hes just kinda There. if i had to guess, that has to do with his preexisting trauma and how he responds to it, but he generally comes across as if hes in shock the Whole time. the fact that he Died, For Real is uncomfortable to him, but it doesnt seem to mean Much wrt what the room is Showing him. i think the fact that its 'not real' is irrelevant, and i think thats ALL him. because its the exact thing he would Want to be real. id imagine its very dreamlike. and most people jsut Go Along with things in their dreams

even when he comes to see the room as it is, it seems to have more with the fact that him and liam had to work together for a WHILE. we dont know how long they tried to get to stones world (other than that they were killed More than 20 times), but its safe to assume they Didnt realize theyd be able to get BACK home (given bryces surprise at teh san francisco note). so when they actually find stones world its like. bryce DOES care abt liam, and has the whole time (with him going up the smokestack being the biggest indicator. 'i want my car keys back,' as many have pointed out is. a reason, but an obvious excuse). the notes ARE saying something, texty JUST found something important. but liam is upset to not have gotten ANYTHING out of dying 20 times, and while bryce was mostly just Going Along before, now it seems like theres an Actual possibility they could stop airy because they just DID, and liam DOESNT notice it??? and i think, then, his primary goal becomes something the room cant replicate, not really (side note, that we dont see what bryce sees because its a Show. and i think many people assume Right when texty brought them back that he saw it was. but i think it Stopped showing the suburbs AS he was talking to liam, hence the surprise! i imagine it was visually similar to when a setting changes in a dream. but thats not important to this post). from here, he doesnt seem more OPTIMISTIC, but it seems like hes more. content? determined? which i imagine has to do with 'thought he was dead Forever, and was in shock' -> 'thought he was dead Forever, but might be able to help the other contestants! which is good!' -> 'hes NOT dead forever. but like. he STILL can help them!' which i think is a weird combo of Good News and a New Goal RIGHT after smth Super Fucked Up

anyway, the conclusion that tangent was supposed to visualize is that. i think the waiting room might be. mostly positive to bryce??? but in the same way someone might think positively of something saving them from smth fucked up. like that isnt to say the bryce likes it but i think its a complex appreciation?? im not sure. he talks a lot abt how he doesnt want to throw everything away Again, and i think the waiting room almost Contradicted everything about that? like. dying SHOULDVE been the end of everything. but it??? wasnt??? it ultimately didnt help anything substantially, but like. he went through All That and came out alive, somehow? endorphins were probably also at play

but then also it DID lead to him dying 20+ times. so its certainly not just positive for him. but i think overall this would make how he feels about the waiting room. pretty complex? and probably confusing for himself. given that he saw it as it was for a relatively short amount of time, and the two didnt take too much time trying to figure out WHAT the room even WAS, i dont think itd be easy to connect everything together. and it wouldnt be unreasonable for him to assume that itd be the suburbs if he ever went back, or that if it WAS that orange and pink place, maybe thats not fully bad? but eeither way, itd certainly be disorienting to think about. i think the idea of it not having been Real would be confusing and maybe a bit upsetting, but he doesnt strike me as caring TOO much if its 'real.' though i think the idea of spending the rest of existence in something Fake would also be. unnerving

charlotte also definitely saw Something. its never clarified WHAT, but the fact that she saw something is Clear. and i think shed probably be affected by it in a more subtle way, because she NEVER saw it as it was. as far as she knows, when she died, she was shown something (and likely someone) that she wanted to go to, so i think shed see it as mostly a positive place. a very desirable place to be!!! but that has little to do w how shed feel abt dying itself. because i think the idea of death not being smth Bad would be comforting, but also the act of dying itself would be the unsettling in itself. that, and the fact that she can be brought back Easily, potentially. which ALSO isnt necessarily negative but also i think would be Weird to think about. that you can be somewhere great forever, for the rest of existence, but at any moment that place could be taken away. Really, its not that much different from the trauma of the plane (though, given her life beforehand, the idea of being taken from someplace definitively Good might be more unique to her having died) but its likely smth that would Still impact her

amelia then is the most complicated to figure out out of the four? bc we dont even know how much she SAW. it likely wasnt MUCH but like. she seems to know she Died, at the very least, and knows how temporary it Can be (however unrealistic that may seem) . as such i think her feelings on the waiting room are probably hazy, and what ideas she DOES have are closer to charlottes. most of what she knows about it would likely be based around what the others tell her. really, for amelia, i think the more haunting aspect is the Dying part. i think it affects her sense of self, and that having been brought back partially Didnt happen. that amelia died, and scenty was respawned. as such, i think the waiting room COULD be a negative concept for her, but only on account of it having been the last thing that the idea of amelia probably ever saw. that, or the first thing the idea of where scenty begins starts. just a extremely brief glimpse into somewhere dreamlike, and then a huge shift in self. i think post canon this feeling of having Died lingers a LOT, and what would haunt her about the afterlife has more to do with the idea of ANOTHER loss of self. which would also have to be smth Worked out in therapy or smth of that nature

basically i think they all would have verrry different thoughts on the waiting room , but even those among them that dont have a completely negative view of it wouldnt necessarily see it positively. and i think itd suck for them . SO bad. but i think someday it would maybe suck a little less!