#this art is pissing me off thooooo. but i havent drawn in about 2 months and i had worked the night before i drew this and hadnt slept yet

[radicalhighway]

hey..... im not dead! apologies if i worried anyone. july has been a rough month for me mentally the past couple years or so. ill explain what happened under the cut bc it gets a little personal and a tad ventish. with that being said...

tl;dr: i needed a break bc i was having a bad mental health crash and only intended to be gone a week at most. then shit hits the fan, i blink, and its been a month. im back now, though!

so uh. as stated before, ive been experiencing rough mental health crashes in july the past couple years or so. i tend to act more dodgy and maybe a bit snippier than normal, im not sure why. i only intended to take a week off to recover, but life had other plans i suppose. i ended up getting real busy with changes at work, then got hit w/ the sick + period wombo combo, and if the universe didnt hate me enough already, i got hit with the sickening revelation that i really dont know who i am or what i want. ive been so detached for like 2 years or so at this point. im just cruising through life, letting everyone else decide what i should do next. i dont know my desires or dreams, i just. dont have any goals anymore. im lost, im stuck, im stagnating. i know people say its fine to not know what youre doing and to be lost, but. im genuinely stuck. i dont know what im doing. what i want from my life. who i am as a person. ive just been surviving these past few years and its just. so. exhausting. and discouraging. so im like. trying to discover myself, i guess. im not entirely sure how im going to go about that. all i know is im sick of this all encompassing feeling that im stagnating and permanent state of detachment. im tired of being alone. i want to right my wrongs if at all possible, i want to be better. i just... need to discover myself somehow. i guess.

anyway.

im back now. im very, very sorry for disappearing like that, it was wrong of me to not even update yall on if i was okay or not. im sorry i keep doing things like this. i promise though, this time was not intentional. life just threw some curve balls my way, and a month passed by before i even knew it. ill try my best to not let this happen again, at least not without some pop ins for updates to let yall know im okay.

as an end note. im a scared animal. the thought that theres long, angry messages awaiting me on discord is... discouraging. to say the least. so i may take a bit to work up the courage (and spoons) to face my consequences for my shitty habit and check discord. im also lowkey a little scared ppl are gonna leave me over this nasty ol habit. not to say it wouldnt be warranted, yall have every right to since its a shitty thing for me to keep doing but. still hurts even if deserved. i truly never seem to learn, huh? sick of being alone, but refusing to be vulnerable enough to allow people to help me… crazy.

thank you all for being patient with me, and thinking of me if you did.

cheers