#journal entry 7

[ladybugjournal]

Notice

26 August 2024

Drafting notices of departure feels a little too much like writing a final goodbye note, except it's far less damaging mentally, and people are encouraging me to do it.

Currently, I'm getting ready to move. I'm leaving a bad situation, I'm leaving bad friends/roommates, and I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I want to first make it clear that while my current roommates and I were classmates and co-workers before we moved in together, we were not best friends prior to living together. That being said, we are not friends anymore and it is for the best.

So, because of a lot of stuff that has been going on, I am drafting notices of my departure. I am putting in my 2 week notice at a job I have worked at for 3 months shy of 6 years. I am giving my roommates a (basically) 60 day notice of moving out. Then, at the end of the month, I will be giving my building manager a 30 day notice of moving out (when our lease is up).

I'm currently drafting all of these notices to get out any petty or off handed comments that come from being pissed off at my current situation/roommates, so, when I do have a final draft, I can leave them on the best terms possible.

This is more for me so I don't look back and regret being mean or feel guilty or bad for how I acted. I am trying to do what's best for me while also taking into account how other people may feel. I am giving a "2 week notice" at work, but if my manager needs me to stay on and train someone a little longer, than I am more than willing to talk about the options. I am giving my roommates as much notice as I can while also helping them as much as I can with the transition and moving process. I don't want to fuck anyone over, but I need to also protect myself and do what's best for me. It's quite the balancing act I'm doing.

It's strange, writing these notices, mainly because they are a final goodbye. I do not intend on coming back to this job once I am gone, at least, not at the same location. I do not foresee my roommates and I rekindling our friendship down the road. I also know I will not be coming back to these apartments, though, I wasn't here long so it's a little less sad (I do love this apartment though, the layout is perfect and I love my room).

These goodbye letters, in the form of a written notice, are cathartic. They're also giving me a lot of hope and something to look forward to. I like to feel like I'm moving forward and even these little steps of me typing out a silly little letter on my laptop makes me feel like I'm doing something.

I bought some boxes today, I'm going to start packing tomorrow, I have a draft written to my roommates, and I will have another draft written to my manager. I have a timeline, specific dates I know when things are happening, and each tiny step, each new detail of the plan, is bringing me one step closer to freedom and making living here a lot more bearable.

[anatomic-adoration]

6/12/24

The plant didn't make it. I tried, I really did! I did a bunch of research, then when that didn't work I did more, and still nothing! Underwatering made roots start growing from the body(??) so I messaged an old friend from high school who said to add water and to pull out the new roots. That was... it was dead within a day. A day!

Despite that, I still have it in the window sill. A part of me is hoping I'm wrong about it dying. Seasonal plants are a thing, right? I bought it at the turning of the seasons, so maybe it was just bad timing. Tomorrow I'm going to go back to the shop with a picture of it to see if someone who actually works with plants has any insight.

On the bright side (literally) it's been gorgeous out. The warmer it gets the more energy I have! I've been walking to class and it's done wonders for my mental health. I wish lab could be outside too. Speaking of being outside, I've been out so much that I've got a few "regulars" I see like clockwork. There's this woman who's outside at 8pm gardening who I always say hi to, this couple (I'm assuming) who are always wearing matching hats and sunglasses no matter how sunny it is, and there's this person who I see walking in the opposite direction of me every time no matter where I see them. It's funny, I've been living over here for a couple years, but it isn't until now that I'm really feeling like I'm getting to know the area and the people.

We're all creatures of habit. Familiar schedules, familiar routes, and familiar neighbors (though I use the term to loosely describe anyone within around a five mile radius haha). There's something so charming about seeing people be themselves and live their individual lives.

Admittedly I've gotten a bit attached to the people I see. I've gone a bit out of my way- just a bit- out of curiosity about what they're up to. Mostly they're just on a normal walk, same as me, but sometimes they're going somewhere with intention.

By far the person I've seen the most is that guy from the coffee shop. We must have really similar taste and schedules! The poor guy probably thinks I've been following him with how much our paths have crossed. Because of that I've been trying to keep my distance so it doesn't look like I'm deliberately following him. I guess I kinda am, but I don't know; something about him just intrigues me. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of being punk while still clearly having anxiety? I don't just mean his body language (though the tense shoulders and the way his eyes flick about at small noises and movements is a dead giveaway). It's more the fact he looks simultaneously young and old. Not that I've looked that closely, but in the few times I've seen him up close the type of exhaustion that usually only comes from age is painted clear as day all over his face. I know I'm rambling, but there's just something that's making him stand out from the other people I've seen lately. He doesn't quite fit in, but why? Maybe the heat is getting to me. I need to occupy myself with something else before I keep myself up needlessly ruminating.

[katcantstopthinking]

is it a red flag to say she's so me?

[afairycreature]

[thingsarentgreat]

I don't know how to tell you that you should care about other people.

I keep reflecting to determine if there's something more within me that's causing me to still feel so incredibly sick by it all. Really trying to expose the raw roots of the feeling to see if it stems from some kind of selfishness. And I suppose it does. But to reduce it to just that would also be lying, because it's a combination of poisons down in that soil. It's betrayal and a feeling of isolation amongst a group I thought I once knew, and then that selfish and bitter root grows in like a weed. I can only quietly observe to myself: "ah. this is where the radicalization and rampant nationalism come from. this is why I see it flowering in my family."

It's because I feel my trust breaking all over again each time I forget about it and try to go on with my business. I remember that I still can't mourn publicly without someone educating me on why obviously if I'm mourning, I must have Insert Political Alignment Here. I remember the utter silence and the downright celebration of more civilian deaths because "oh, fuckin Yaya or whatever deserved it after what Israel does."

For the record, Yaya-Or-Whatever didn't deserve it, and I still remember the lead dropping into my stomach upon hearing that from a friend. No one deserves it. No one ever deserves it.

I don't know how to tell you that you should care about other people.

Maybe that's a quote leftists recognize, but I realize now that few of them actually stick to it across the board. And I'm admittedly selfish, because I hoped that leftists could at least have a moment to care about my people suffering too before getting back to helping the people who currently need the most help. But instead we got "Yaya-Or-Whatever Deserved It." And I've been laying here for months watching everyone on the left just go back to the usual armchair activism as if they didn't just fucking say that, and when I do bring it up, suddenly I'm the problem for pointing out that it was fucked up.

You won't erase it, fyi. We saw you say it. Some of you said it with your full fucking chest. You were callous and let the antisemites into the bar by openly celebrating Jewish death. Then you pretended we were talking about Palestine when we pointed out your antisemitic actions. You know that's not what we were even pointing to as an example. But it's very convenient for you to pretend we don't know the difference, isn't it?

I don't know. It's just a reminder that most of you are actually all talk and virtue signals. There's no actual substance behind your ideals, you're just adhering to the party line, same as conservatives do. I guess I was naive to think otherwise. It's disingenuous for you to wonder why people leave the leftist movement as a whole and "suddenly" flip sides. You know why, and it's reasons like this - you're just covering it up and pretending it's a totally different, more convenient reason.

Tldr; you're hypocrite ass leftists and fuck you. You should be ashamed of how you acted.

[vio-starclad]

Wanna draw but 645 fucking Barrows Chests and still haven't completed Guthans are you kidding me Jamflex?

[rubiatinctorum]

I'm back from the mall. I didn't have a good time. I bought pillows, though. And some snacks, which I'll enjoy later. According to my step counter on my phone, I've walked 3311 steps today. It's the first time all week I've walked so much.

[ljubimaya]

Vampire f/o eating you out when you're on your period

[the-mafia-bear-old]

It's a good thing I haven't slept

I can hear them. Shuffling just out of sight, guns loaded. I have mine on me at all times, with ammo to spare. They ain't getting the better of me.

[talesfromthebandgeekmafia]

I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who keeps a journal so as a birthday gift to myself I bought a really nice one with an embroidered cover off Etsy a couple weeks ago, it came yesterday and I finally sat down to use it today and I’ve discovered that I absolutely love it. I wrote 6 pages (2 of which were about OFMD lmao) and I feel great

[bbeelzemon]

im looking at the neocities activity page and GOD i wanna work on mine so bad now. The Inspiration

[snak-showdown]

for the record i wont be voting on finals :) so i can't see the results!! i leave this to the people!!!

[i-c-u-p]

My Dream Journal #12

i was a twink in love with an older man..... where does the subconscious come up with this stuff

[jackle-fundashii]

As I stand at the front of the sliding door, eye wondering aimlessly. I recall of a time when I was younger, though during that time I was in the countryside. Ah, how the city differs.

[grosvetements]

Dinner time! I had 3 tablespoons of white rice, 1 tablespoon of soup, 2 vegetable leaves, and 1 boiled baby potato. For dessert I had a Kirkland probiotic vanilla yogurt.

We have apples again! ^_^ I'm going to eat them with breakfast now instead of cashews.

[xaviergalatis]